#even though that will never happen because that's the way of things in this sad world we live in

[kirbmey]

　 ྀི︶˚̣̣̣⠀⠀⠀arguing w bigbrother!caleb⠀⠀⠀˚̣̣̣︶ ྀི

synopsis: as much as you love your older brother you end up second guessing him, tired of only being allowed to talk to him and wishing you had some friends like other girls did ૮𐔌っ˕ -｡꒱ྀི𑁬

tw: angst, caleb slaps reader, they argue (obviously), tons of manipulation, rape mentions, drug mentions, caleb’s a fake to people, pathetic reader, overall this is really toxic, etc.

caleb was waiting for you parked in front of your uni, toying around with the necklace you gifted him when you were kids while his mind drifted away.

he was so excited for today, friday’s being his favorite days of the week since he took you out to eat and then had a walk by the meadowy park near your house. it was simple but he enjoyed every second he shared with you.

he didn’t need much more than that, really. he just needed you.

all the girls at your uni were hands down for your handsome older brother, trying to approach him every chance they’d get and getting politely rejected, even though he felt disgusted by them and thought they were vulgar whores; he was pretty good at hiding it.

you, on the other hand, started to feel lonelier each passing day.

ever since you were a kid you shared all of your time with caleb up until now. you told him everything, lived every moment together. there was no memory in which he didn’t appear.

and you really really liked that, you wouldn’t want that to change. but there’s been the longing for a friend, someone who wasn’t caleb, someone new.

you’ve always tried to get to know some of your classmates, feeling a little bit guilty when you disobeyed your big brother’s orders. it wasn’t hard for you to socialize, you were actually very good at it!

a nice sweet girl with a pretty voice and soft smile? who wouldn’t want to be friends with you?

well, every single time you thought you made a friend they would separate ways with you in a couple days, which made you feel sad and insecure.

why are they living you so fast, were you rude, said something bad, appeared weird perhaps?

far from reality the only one to blame was caleb, who had his eyes glued to you every second of the day and didn’t miss on how you tried you break free from the brainwash he managed to give you throughout the years.

he learnt this would happen every so often, and stopped confronting you about it long ago.

yes, he used to argue with you about this kinda thing, complaining about you getting along with other people and playing the victim, crocodile tears down his face as he begged you to never leave him.

so what he’d do now it’s confront the person in question directly, maybe to threat them, maybe to beat them up, maybe to kill them if they got too annoying.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“hey, pips, how was today?” he asked with a boyish smile plastered on his round lips, frowning when he noticed your crossed arms and pouty face, not even greeting him and looking out the window to avoid his purple eyes.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“i’m talking to you.” he mentioned your name in a serious manner, locking the doors before grabbing both your cheeks with one of his big hands to make you face him.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“i want to go to the party.” you simply muttered, avoiding his gaze while you tried to pull away from his grip, making him wrap your throat now. “we’ve already talked about that, princess. and it’s still a no.”

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“but mom and dad said i could go!” you complied, crossing your arms again. a tantrum is the last thing he needed from you today.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“mom and dad don’t know what’s best for you. i do.” he spat, letting you go and mimicking your pose now. “you wanna know what goes down at these frat parties, hmm?” caleb challenged you, tracing the shape of the steering wheel while speaking.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“there’s people getting high on anything they can find, fainting, vomiting because of how drunk they are, fucking everywhere.” he knew the party you wanted to attend was nothing like that, your classmates telling about the party to your parents and describing it as ‘chill’ and ‘safe’.

caleb totally believed that, they seemed fucking boring.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“what? no, that’s not true! you’re a big liar!” you yelled at him, feeling how his hand collided against your cheek; you knew you crossed the lane when you raised your voice at him. so you just took it, going silent after that.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“if you wanna get drugged and raped by the whole fucking class the go ahead, i’m done with this conversation.” he spat, engine vibrating beneath your feet as he drove you two back home. what a failure of a friday.

the whole drive you sat down there, tears rolling down your face as you quietly whimpered, cleaning them with the sleeves of your sweater.

you just wanted to make friends and go on a party for once to at least die knowing how it feels to be like the other girls. but that made your gege upset, and you loved him more than anything, more than you loved yourself.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“it hurts me more than it hurts you.” caleb broke the silence after parking in front of your house, resting his head against the headrest and sighing, looking at you now.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“‘m sorry, gege. i’m being selfish.” your voice trembled, reaching out for his hand to hold it up against your lips, kissing it several times, tears wetting his pale skin.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“i don’t like hurting you like this, you know that. why you make me do it, doll. why can’t you just listen?” he kept on questioning you, his palm pressing against the cheek he slapped minutes prior, caressing the imprint his fingers left.

⠀ ⠀ 　　　“i know, i know, i’m truly sorry. please forgive me, please gege. i love you.” you kept on apologizing, rubbing yourself against the attention he gave you, feeling the tears fall again and again.

he wasn’t faced by your crying. sure, he didn’t like to see you cry, but he knew he had to be strict with you in order to make you behave. you really hurt his feelings and you had to know your actions had consequences.

it took him a few days to completely forgive you, days in which you had to wake up without him, in which you had to cook for yourself and come back home by foot all alone.

days in which you remembered your gege was all that mattered in your life and realized that you didn’t need any friends, because no one would know how to treat you or take care of you like your old brother did.

and just like that caleb got away with it again, torturing you to make you behave, obliging you to live without him even if it was just a couple of days to make you see how much you actually needed him.

you finally understood after all; no friends, only caleb. you made yourself believe you were okay with that. ⠀ ⠀ 　　　

a/n: this was a request from an anon! I hope you like it, bunny. I feel like i outdid myself with this one, this is how i see caleb in my mind fr ᥩྀི ´ ᩳ ` ꒱

— masterlist.

[astroidology]

astro notessss - part ???

mars in pisces easily catches feelings because they won’t ever stop thinking about that one person. Most of times they don’t even know the person, it’s just what they feel. And they tend to have a very sweet approach to love, lots of emotions, kinda like not being able to fck around with other people once they’re in love. They also feel like they have to vocalize it to get over it.

mercury in any fire sign (leo/aries/sagittarius) are always having to tell people it’s just a joke lol they tend to be very direct and their type of humor is usually so stupid, it sounds like their making fun of everyone but it’s also usually their love language. they love when people match their energy, they feel free to say anything and they lovee ittt. another thing is If they don’t fck with you, they won’t even bother to talk to you.

moon in pisces struggles a lot to open up. it’s such a weird thing because they wear their heart in their sleeve so everyone knows they’re not doing well, people notice there’s something off, you can even see it in their face and eyes, but a moon in pisces will never be able to fully talk about it, it’s almost like talking about it makes it real and they don’t want any negative feelings. We all know they live in their own dream world, where it’s safe and peaceful and happy. and it’s all good until it hits them; reality. And they hate it. they want to crawl back in bed, fall asleep for days. They need to shut their minds off so it’s very common for them to develop escape mechanisms. really bad habits that make them feel so good.

venus in aquarius is an interesting placement. it reminds me a lot of venus in virgo and I do think they have a lot of things in common but even when they happen to be very similar, I still think venus in aquarius is more complex than that. They need reassurance in any way possible because it makes them feel safe but they are too afraid to committing to someone and having to emotionally depend on someone. And it’s not that they’re disloyal, if anything they’re one of the most loyal placements. they love imperfections, they love the real and raw. they understand there’s more to people and they accept people. but they’re afraid of it. they don’t think someone will be able to love their imperfections, so as soon as they start feeling too much, they take a couple steps back. they suddenly need some space. or at least that’s what they think they need. and it’s always something that they can’t even understand themselves.

Mars in sagittarius are the most passive aggressive unlike the other fire mars (aries/leo). They will never want to be seen as the crazy ones but they say and do things to push people’s buttons. It’s interesting how they can turn the table on others lol they be doing sht and acting so surprised if you do it to them. Usually mars in aries or leo are more out there and direct, they don’t care to look crazy lol … Alsooo sagittarius is very open when it comes relationships, they are prone to cheat because they need the excitement and the adrenaline to keep them motivated. They’re likely into threesomes or polyamory. And are definitely big flirtss lol

Moon in leo are full of strong feelings. This is when leo is taking over the emotions so if they’re sad, they’re going to feel really sad. If they’re happy, you’re able to see it from a mile away. Leo usually wears their heart in their sleeve even though they try to hide their feelings a lot. Leo naturally loves attention but only the good kind. This placements almost feels like wanting to just throw yourself out there but being too afraid to be judged. Pride also plays a big thing here. Whenever they feel offended or unwanted, they’ll go away. They don’t talk. Being alone it’s sometimes not a good thing for this placement because they get so lost in their sadness, they need some good people and some good words to lift them up again.

[old-lemon-tree]

How the Old Guard Deals with Grief

How about headcanons on how the old guard deals with grief/loss? They've all experienced significant loss and we see glimpses of how they deal with it.. Dutch channeling each loved one's death into justification for his anger, Hosea's fond reminiscence of Bessie, and how Arthur avoids it, buries it and only speaks of it to his journal or in passing.

Requested by @kelpiekidd

Thank you for requesting this! I had fun writing these (fun!?!) it was very challenging but also extremely rewarding. I may have wordvomited all over this ops! I hope it makes sense.

TW: talk of death and grief.

---------

Arthur

When the wound is fresh he won’t cry about it. Not unless he’s sure he’s completely alone. Even then he would feel watched all the same, not realizing that feeling is his own pesky mind. If it happens, though, he’s not too pressed about it. The tears are already out, what’s he to do? Trying to wipe them off would just make him feel more guilty (of what? Nobody knows)

Isolating is not quite the word. He can’t very well take his sweet time coddling his aching heart, not when there’s people that needs feeding and depend completely on him. He will keep to himself more often, though. He will avoid the campfire and retire to his tent earlier, and he will eat at odd hours so nobody else is around the table, so he can avoid their worried looks. He doesn’t like to be looked at like he’s broken.

Mostly, he talks to his journal. All those words he feels he can’t string together with his voice turn out not so daft once he writes them down. He’ll be honest with himself in writing, nothing to hide from those pages, they’ve seen all of his ugliness already, they may as well see his sadness. He will write their name and a short goodbye, draw sketches of their face before time washes away the memory. Sometimes he will return to the page when the ache of loss comes biting in the night, or when he’s too far to go visit their grave. He’ll sketch a flower then, right above their name, to make up for the one he couldn’t bring in person.

He won’t talk about it with others for a while, but when he does, is only with Hosea. (and maybe Mary-Beth, but only if he doesn’t feel too much like a pathetic beast that day). Still, he won’t tell Hosea all that his journal gets to see. He’ll be pragmatic about it, practical. He won’t talk about feelings, he will talk about tasks. He’ll express frustration he can’t shoot as good recently because sometimes his hands shake. He'll lament that he hadn’t found the will to walk too far from camp to hunt them some better game. He won’t link those things with his grief, but he doesn’t need to. Hosea knows.

---------

Dutch

Somewhere down the line Dutch forgot that not everything he does needs to have a purpose. Grieving shouldn’t need other purpose than to stop feeling broken. But he can’t live with it if he doesn’t turn it into something he can do. Vengeance is the easiest and the one that serves him better anyway. He’d rather fantasize about Colm’s undoing, than lay in his bed at night and reckon with the fact he doesn't feel as broken as he should about Annabelle. He'd rather wander a cave and ramble about all the way everyone is wrong, than admit he’ll never again get to ask Hosea if he's doing the right thing.

His grief is spoken of only among closest ones, and once Hosea dies the number of those closest ones is drastically reduced. Mostly, he will talk about how much he misses. What he’s lost, what was there, what is now gone. He’ll miss their voice the most. Their face, that was theirs, he will live with forgetting it eventually, but their voice– when they spoke to him, in that moment their voice was for him. That was his. Most of his longing comes from how easy voices are to forget, much easier than words. So, in the end, all he’s left with is his own voice, parroting the words back at him.

Dutch has a hard time coming to terms with the fact not everything can be taken back once lost. America steals his freedom and he takes it back, Bronte steals his dignity and he takes it back. How is it fair that he can’t take life back from death as well. Dutch doesn’t think himself a God, not in the biblical sense at least, but it’s hard to accept how powerless he is in those situations.

Raw, unguarded emotions are something reserved for the moments right after death. There’s something in death being so close that makes him feel raw, like there’s nothing he could possibly hide anymore. He’ll get angry before he'll get sad, and they’ll both be equally destructive. He will break things, leash out on what he’ll perceive as guilty; his gun if it didn’t fire quick enough, or their deathbed for not keeping them alive. And only once the fury has simmered down he’d cry. Not always. Sometimes crying doesn’t feel like enough. Sometimes all he wants is to sit in the wake of his rage, thinking of how to turn the hollow in his chest into something with a purpose.

---------

Hosea

Hosea is open in how painful Bessie’s death was, in how much his life changed before and after her. The exact same difference goes for his grieving. He will never feel a pain as profound as he felt when Bessie passed. It’s not a lack of love or fondness, he will still feel sorrow. But now he is just incapable and unwilling of letting those feelings consume him, not again, not after her. Somehow selfishly, he’d like for that pain to only belong to her, no one else. Sometimes he fears going through the same with another would cheapen the feelings he had for her.

As soon as it happens, he’ll ask to be left alone. Which is unsettling for the man always first in line to comfort someone, but he’ll mean it, and he’ll be adamant about it. He needs the time to process what happened, he’s too dazed in the wake of it. Even before Bessie’s passing, death had an effect o him, like something utterly alien befell the Earth and he got left there to pick up the pieces. Loss is unsettling, as is the feeling of helplessness that washes over him in those moments. How does one cope with a thing so massive as the end of someone’s time.

He won’t cry, not after Bessie. Sometimes he’d joke he cried all his tears back then. Jokes. Yes, of those he still has plenty. Now the punchline has turned inwards, though. He’ll become the butt of his own jokes, the humor twisted meaner somehow, like he can’t let himself the benefit of too much pity. He’d hate if anyone pitied him, if he can help it, he’d rather they called him an idiot and moved on. Still, only because he’s flippant about it, doesn’t mean he will take it kindly if anyone takes it too far. God help him, Bill keeps testing him on that.

After, once the sharper edge of the pain has gone, he’ll come looking for comfort. An ear that would listen, a hand on his shoulder, just something to keep him grounded as he reminisces. He loves talking about the ones he’s lost. He may not had become a priest like he wanted, and never believed in any God up there, but that part of him that longs to celebrate the immortal soul is still there. And what better way to do that than telling stories, keeping the memories alive.

[longagoitwastuesday]

ngl it sort of pisses me off the way adults regard Gojo in Jujutsu Kaisen at times. Which could be a very interesting and poignant point in a good way if well written, but as it is it becomes mainly just frustrating and sad in a negative way.

Nanami saying Gojo never cared about anything or anyone other than himself crashes interestingly with Kusakabe saying the whole situation was just all his fault because he refused to kill Itadori. The students are very aware of those aspects of Gojo's personality, but overall they seem to regard him with way more kindness and fondness even when at their rudest, not truly coinciding with either Nanami's or Kusakabe's views.

[kaisollisto]

[tatsumi-rin]

Moral Orel doesn't seem 100% like a show I'd feel seen in if you don't know me but then I remember the episode with the special ed kids and underneath the usual satire on extremist bible belt religion it reminds me WAY too much of how actual special ed departments treated me and other kids growing up.

Like the writers must HAVE BEEN THERE IN LIFE, man. I'd kill to sit down with Dino Stamatopoulos and find out what the fuck inspired him and the other writing staff that day.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

[dreadful-luck]

GGS TEAM PAST!!!

[lionblaze03-2]

sometimes I think about writing and singing music not because I’m an incredible singer but because no one has my fucking voice, especially in popular music, and its disheartening to be born a girl, told you’ll only get girl roles or try to voice match other girls, or ‘sing with the girls’ and then only be able to match male voices because you’re a fuckin tenor and not anything higher. I can’t think of any girl Broadway roles I can hit all the notes on. Most songs I love I have to pitch down for myself or use falsetto for singing along to. It bothers me a lot less now because I’m an adult who’s more secure in myself but as a teen in kids musical theatre it FUCKED with me, BAD style. And I know for a fact that even now when I hear people with a voice like mine singing I get excited and immediately invested in their work because they’re like ME, finally, for once. A brother in this world of being afab and having the voice of a recently pubescent boy forever. Maybe I should be that brother too.

[flippedorbit]

i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth

[seaofreverie]

The Me who bought tickets to see TMBG in february 2023 and the Me who's going to actually go to the show next month are two completely different people

[luvsavos]

random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently

[jackass-jones]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

[harvestmoth]

Lo. Love your Rejuv art. Just wanted to ask if you have more ideas for the au where nothing goes wrong (lie) for Pokémon Rejuvenation.

thank you!! and im sorry to say i do not! im very bad at coming up with ideas but i would love to hear others ideas on anything, though i will say when i started posting about it i had a brief thought of flora, florin, and talon taking melia and the protag with them to terajuma when they cheak out the tyluric temple as like a way for them to. get to terajuma. but idk how well thatd work out continuity wise. or what the whole terajuma arc would be like because of it

[diabolicjoy]

.

[cornflowershade]

screaming crying (just finished Never Let Me Go ep. 9)