#i wasted so many years being miserable because i assumed that was the way to be

[kaisollisto]

[soulmvtes]

bojack saying "i wasted so many years being miserable because i assumed that was the only way to be"... crazy stuff

[lawofangie]

Hello. I just saw your post about your manifestation journey while struggling with depression and I’ll probably just be another rant about “how difficult it is to manifest”, but honestly I just want to talk a little bit.

I’m at work right now. I’m a trainee in a law office and my relationship with my boss is deteriorating gradually.

While I was at school, I would always think that I would be happier at a job, because I like to feel useful and competent. But now that I have a job, I just feel miserable.

I already received complaints twice about “being distracted” and “not doing my best”, which came as shocking because I’ve been doing my best. I have two bosses and while one looks like she really appreciates me, the other one might be the contrary.

I always fails to do what she wants me to do.

So I have been having really tiresome dreams. I had one where they asked me to type a document and after a while it turns out it was a “you are fired document” and asked me to sigh it.

They laughed and said that “I wasn’t doing enough” and “I wasn’t attending my classes at college” which I WAS but it didn’t matter.

I actually can’t imagine my life better. It’s like my mind just blocks it from me. I feel like I can’t delude myself even if that’s what I want the most.

I really want to just escape and live happily but I just feel trapped and miserable. I think I can predict what you are going to advice me but…I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared.

this is actually kind of relatable. i've felt similarly at many points in my life, i struggled to function, i thought external things would make me happy, applying the law was difficult. i couldn't imagine my life any better either. i understand where this is coming from, i'll try to give less generic advice, but i'm going to be brutally honest, and, this still won't be anything special. its important to remember that regardless of what i say here, manifestation is still just assuming you have your desire and persisting in that fact.

anyways, it honestly gets to a point where you have to realize that you're just wasting your time feeling trapped and scared. you're doing yourself a disservice. no one and nothing can save you, nor is anything or anyone going to. as unfortunate as your circumstances are, you have to do it yourself.

you have to take what you want and prioritize that above how you feel, anyone's made you feel, and how anyone feels about you. your life is meant to revolve around you and no one else. its YOUR life for a reason.

you SHOULD NOT waste the best years of your life being miserable, feeling like a failure, like a victim, like you can't change, like you're trapped like this forever when that's completely illogical. everyone and everything changes. people change in age, appearance, personality, sexuality, preferences, etc. it's physically impossible to be incapable of change unless you're not alive. people change all the time.

you genuinely do not have the time to be so self loathing and miserable, not when you're going to literally grow old one day. and according to those who've made it there already, that day comes fast. do you want to look back at your life at 80 and see what you wasted it doing? when all this information was right in your face? when all you had to do was take a chance and have some faith in yourself?

changing yourself isn't impossible, you're just too scared to assume anything good about yourself, perhaps because you've gotten so used to being miserable. "changing yourself", by the way, just so we're clear, simply means to assume something new about yourself. for example, you already believe you are a failure, and to change would be to simply assume you're successful. that's quite literally it. you just believe in something without physical proof, that's assuming. we assume all the time. you're just assuming about yourself now. the law is extremely simple to utilize, but it's the simplicity that leads to people overcomplicating it themselves.

also, delusion is, by definition, a false belief that is resistant to change, even when presented with evidence that it is not true. an assumption, by definition, is a belief that is taken as true without proof or evidence. you need to realize the difference here. we are telling you to assume, not to delude yourself. we are promising you that the "proof" comes after you've fully accepted it as true. we're not telling you to actively deny something despite accepting it as true. what would be the point in that? if we're telling you that your assumptions, aka the things you believe to be true without proof manifest, why would we tell you to continue to accept something you don't want as true? does that make sense?

being delusional and making an assumption may seem similar in theory, but in practice, they are completely different. one is literally the result of a mental illness, the other is a very normal, very human behavior that we do every day. we make assumptions about ourselves, people, and situations. all. the. time. it seems like it's only a problem and called "delusional" when it's about yourself, and it's something good.

it's like being confident in yourself, believing in your abilities despite what others have to say about you. for example, you have a great confidence in a talent or skill, and the you believe that you will get better as you get older/more experienced/more knowledgeable, and you'll make it places and have great opportunities in the future. let's say some random person decides to insult you and say that you'll never make it anywhere in life. would it be "delusional" to not listen to them? to not let someone else dictate your future? or would that simply be having some faith in yourself and not letting others define you?

this is literally all we're telling you to do, believe in yourself even if your reality seems to be against you. don't fight it, just accept that the unfavorable isn't true and move on. continue to believe in yourself.

and besides, if any person successful to date operated with that "i don't see it so it's not true" mindset, they wouldn't have become successful, would they? would anyone accumulate any kind of success with a mindset like that? the people who have came from nothing and made it to where they were now, had an unwavering confidence in their abilities and the fact that they'd be something one day. despite what anyone's told them, or tried to project onto them, it didn't get through to their unwavering sense of self.

the point is, we are promising you something. all it takes is for you to have some confidence in yourself. to quit hurting yourself. is that so hard?

anyways, the point of manifesting is when you change yourself, the things in your external reality change.

assuming is easy. believing things to be true without proof is easy. you just have to get comfortable with the fact that you need to change before anything changes externally. again, instead of believing you are a failure, that you are trapped, you simply assume you are successful, and you are not trapped.

people also change their minds all the time, they grow to have a different opinion, they realize they were wrong, they want to give something else a chance, or without a reason, they simply change their mind. these things are not impossible, they happen all the time.

i'm saying this to say that manifesting isn't being delusional. to be delusional is feeling stuck and like things can't change, when they so clearly do, all the damn time. you're not special enough for the concept of change to not apply to you. for instance, you are certainly not the same person you were when you were 6 compared to however old you are right now. you changed, therefore you are capable of changing, and i proved it to you with that simple example.

you only feel stuck because you decided you are, you decided that you'll never be unstuck, and so you haven't been. the law is working, just not in your favor. everything you see in your reality right now, perfectly matches whatever you've assumed to be true. that is not a coincidence. it's important to remember that the law isn't a thing with feelings, it does not care about you or your situation. all it does is continue to operate. it's up to you to use the law's indifference to your advantage.

also, you seem to have a victim mindset. it's very obvious in the way that you try to explain yourself, that you were doing as you were supposed to, but it still 'didn't matter'. you're putting so many things (your job, your bosses, proving yourself) on a pedestal, over what really matters, which is yourself. do you even like your job? did you pursue something you were passionate about? because if not, then you have no business subjecting yourself to any kind of mistreatment, not when you didn't even want to be there in the first place. you should be putting yourself and your desires before even thinking about pleasing anyone or meeting any kind of requirement.

your own standards and requirements should come first. remember : you chose to work for them. you have a choice. you also need to remember that your bosses and colleagues are regular people. outside of work (and in the workplace if we're being honest) they have no kind of power over you. you shouldn't be letting such irrelevant people in your life have the power to instill so much fear in you, to the point where you're having literal nightmares.. about typing a document incorrectly.

also, about feeling useful and competent, that's something you have to decide about yourself. are you useful? are you competent? do you honestly feel this way about yourself? definitely not, which is why you're seeking validation from others. but at the same time, it is what's made you so miserable, because you're definitely not getting that validation. and any you get only gives you a short lived feeling of satisfaction. your opinion on yourself matters more than what anyone has to say. that's literally why confidence and insecurity exist. and either way, you still feel a certain way about yourself that outweighs anything anyone has to say about you.

here's another example, let's say you've been insecure about your looks from a young age. if one day, someone randomly tells you you're beautiful or they think you're pretty, is all the insecurity you've felt for years suddenly going to go away? or will your mind find reasons to reinforce the fact that you don't feel beautiful? and if someone confirmed your insecurities, saying you weren't their type, they didn't find you attractive, wouldn't you just justify that reaction in your mind since you feel that way about yourself already?

with that in mind, how much does anyone's words really matter? do the words of others honestly have any significance when they aren't reinforcing something you already believe about yourself?

your reality works in a similar way. whatever you decide to assume/ accept as true/ shift your awareness to/ decide is true/ feel is certain, your reality will reflect. as well as a bunch of reasons to continue believing whatever it is is true. the law is very indifferent and has no bounds. it does not care about your feelings, your specific circumstances, and so on. that's why i'm telling you, you only feel these ways and experience the things you do, because you decided you were. this goes for being miserable, being stuck, feeling useless, feeling incompetent and living in fear. there are no exceptions.

so, with all that said, what do i suggest? first off, you need to practice being secure in yourself. work on being confident in yourself first, then work on your self concept. i say "confidence" as in feeling secure in yourself within the 3d. so, your looks, your body, your social skills, your physical skills, etc. because "self concept" has to do with having confidence in your manifestation abilities. find a helpful method that works for you, like affirming, visualizing, scripting, rampaging, or just simply deciding something new about yourself and accepting it.

self confidence has to do with things like liking yourself, being your own validation, having optimistic thoughts about yourself, and self efficiency. you can't care about what others think, you have to put yourself first, and you can't let anyone dictate your future. be selfish. the only thing that should matter is you and how something makes you feel. nothing bad comes from putting yourself first and not worrying about others.

once you feel confident in yourself, or even while working on your confidence, practice using the law. you could start by manifesting something small, something specific that would prove to you that you can manifest, then work your way up. manifest bigger things or just a large quantity of things, just to prove to yourself that there aren't any limits. remember, manifesting is just assuming: believing something to be true without proof. i mean that in the most literal, simplest way possible. like the example of success i used earlier.

once you've proven to yourself that manifestation is indeed real, play around with it. also, work on your self concept. decide that things always go well for you, that you deserve good things, you're the creator of your reality, learn to mentally reject unfavorable things in the 3d, and so on. this is what i would do if i were you.

i know this was kind of long, but i hope you understand my words and find them useful. feel free to dm me or send another ask if you have anymore questions. 🩶

[plenilune]

tagged by @ghstbird~

last song: it's one of those grey days in the almost-winter when I'm going back and forth between the Stranger's Watching Dead Empires in Decay and Cate Brooks' little EP Winterfest all day. have also been listening to a lot of Godspeed You! Black Emperor while reading and walking around.

last movie: not exactly intentionally but also following threads I just did in three days Stalker (1979), Fury Road (2015), and Angel's Egg (1985) and I am thinking Many Things about lone wanderers and water and the world after the end of the world and belief and unbelief and also, ambient music. don't know why I decided it was Waste Land Wnovember but honestly, based.

last book: oh god I'm reading like eight things right now... last one finished was Stephen King's The Gunslinger, which Corey has been trying to get me to read our entire relationship and idk why it took me this long, it's absolutely for me. (though maybe Not for the me of ten years ago? hmmm.) the library has like one copy apiece of all of the Dark Tower books for some reason so I have bought a beautiful battered 80s paperback of The Drawing of the Three secondhand and passionately await its arrival.

also I'm shouldering my way through Frederic Jameson's Postmodernism: The Cultural Logic of Late Capitalism chapter by chapter. it is dense to absorb but actually very clear and it is making my brain shoot out little sparks whenever a passage finally settles. also Samuel Delaney's Dhalgren (again, lots of men with no names wandering waste lands and devastated cities for me lately, Who Could Have Predicted This).

last tv show: made a hellish pact with @endquestionmark and @weekenddracula which means I'm rewatching Firefly for the first time in like fifteen years. Analysis To Come,

last thing googled: "fluffy winter crows" shut the FUCK up did you know they grow little downy pantaloons to keep their legs warm DID YOU KNOW THAT

looking forward to: my next batch of library holds coming in. was going to be very bleak and say "next year, even though Things Will Get Worse, because at least my job at the grocery store will stop being turbo insane in that special holiday way" but it's not really like me to be that fucking bleak, I'm just very, very tired. hanging out with Corey's best coworker and her partner soon! going to see Hundreds of Beavers at the Esquire with a pal! I love Christmas really I just assume everything is going to be miserable and exhausting at the moment because retail has had a good crack at breaking my spirit. honestly, looking forward to my next proper morning off so I can re-bake the plum-pear linzer cookies I have from a favourite farmers market bakery in the freezer and do my proper tea service ritual with warm jammy linzer cookies for breakfast.

[grave-diggers-problems]

I wasted so many years being miserable

Because I assumed

That was the only way to be.

[teaveetamer]

I really don't want to be rude and I'm sorry if it appears that way, but why are you still engaging in all FE discourse? It's clearly not making you happy.

There's many cool project to focus on for FE ( there's a Blue Lions fanzine coming up!! ), and even outside of FE, I'm sure there's many games that could be to your taste? Idk if you already played it, but Baldur's Gate 3 has nearly everything cool FE have while being a really good game!

Discourse make us all miserable and we often end up doing things we regret, if not just for the time wasted talking to asshole. I know how it is, I was there before.

Blocking people and tag then moving on sometimes is for the best ( even asshole like Raxis, he might have stalker-ish behavior but the best that can be done is ignoring him ). I was sad to see your profile bc of random discourse, I would love to find you the same way but this time for speaking of something you love.

Anon I’m going to take this in the best possible faith here, and no I’m not assuming you’re being rude

1) I do have a blog which is ENTIRELY dedicated to just talking about things I love. It’s called my main blog, which used to be linked to this one, but I had to remove that link after one of the more deranged members of the fandom chose to follow it and comment pro-genocide stuff on my fun polls about which PNG is the sexiest. I also still write fanfic, livestream, participate in niche-r discord severs, and run several side blogs and accounts for events and tournaments, none of which I advertise heavily here because, again, a subsection of extremely deranged fans of a particular character seem to take it as an invitation to be extremely deranged.

2) I made this side blog explicitly to quarantine fandom negativity from my more positive endeavors, and frankly I have been trying (key word trying) to wind down its usage for years now because, frankly, I have better things to do and I don’t have that much more to say about 3H itself anyway but…

3) I have blocked the losers who are engaging in this kind of behavior. The problem is that they do not respect that block and continue to stalk, harass, and repost the things I say anyway to various social platforms, which has led to death threats made against me (among other things) because they are unwell beyond anything a block button can fix.

And 4) since I am not the only one these people do this kind of thing to, I figure the least I can do is warn people of their deranged behavior by using what little platform I have here.

So anon if you want to see me do something I enjoy, chances are you’ve already seen me doing it even if you didn’t realize it was me. And if you would like to see this blog stop posting, I highly encourage you to call out dangerous fandom behavior such as stalking, death threats, false accusations of pedophilia, harassment, etc. when you see it.

And sorry this took me a few days. I spent most of the week with a nasty sinus infection and I spent all my energy Thursday on going to work and class

[rise-my-angel]

Does reader ever get jealous over not being Jon’s first even though she completely understands it’s not his fault? and vice versa how does he feel about not being her first?

I think jealous is the wrong word for her. She does feel jealousy at one point, but it is much more out of insecurity and later guilt. She felt a jealousy when she first had an episode of genuine before her eyes visions that were not dreams, when she saw Jon and Ygritte in flashes before their own visions collided for a split second.

She felt a jealousy then, but more out of insecurity. It's fair to assume when a man goes to the Wall, he's not about to meet a woman. At most, some go to the brothel in Mole's Town, but not having a real relationship. So, I think she expected that Jon would eventually settle into his new life at the Nights Watch and hopefully for his sake. his feelings would fade away so that he didn't feel hurt and alone anymore. But suddenly realizing he seemingly moved on, loves someone else, and slept with them, it's a bit of a shock. It's a jealousy saying that maybe she just wasn't good enough for him and so it turns into a self loathing.

When she learns the real truth, its much more guilt. Now she feels guilty for not being ready that day. Sure, Jon wasn't either, but in her head maybe if she didn't stop them from going further, maybe they would've just gotten over it and had sex. And at least Jons first would've been with someone whom he had such a long and close relationship with, and it would be loving and genuine. She feels guilty for it because now she feels like she deprived Jon of that first time, and his own first time unlike hers, is now marred in a trauma he will never be able to let go of.

So, it's more jealousy at first of, "I wish I actually had what he sees in her, because maybe now that he's really in love, he thinks he wasted his time on me." Even though we know that's not what happened.

Jon though, jealousy is his biggest thought about your first time. If he was being logical, he would be able to say he's glad if it was with anyone else, it was with Robb. Someone Jon knew, someone he trusted, someone who wouldn't mistreat you or take advantage of you. He was glad if it wasn't with himself, it was with the only other person Jon knows would actually care about you like you deserve.

But that being said, he feels an incredible jealousness about it. Jon's been thinking about his first time being with you since he was 15 or so. He has wanted yours and his first time to be together. He was your first and yours his, for so many other things. He knew his first time being with you would be something special between you both, and knowing it went to Robb hurt a lot.

He doesn't blame either of you, Robb had every reason to want to have sex with you, and he didn't want you to be miserable with him either. He knew you'd do it that night because you would be far too overwhelmed with expectations and duty that you'd do it no matter what that time.

In a way, he's still jealous. The idea to Jon, that your only experiance together could've been each other is disgustingly romantic to him. That the only pleasure you both have ever known and ever will, is the other. That the only way you both know how to love is the way you love the other.

But, he doesn't have that. And while Jon doesn't blame you and certainly doesn't blame Robb, he still feels a bit of jealousy over it. He felt a lot of jealousy for years over it, and now that you've reuinted, it's lessened, but he certainly still feels it every now and again.

[mintnations]

there’s this one episode in the series where diane says “i’ve wasted so many years being miserable, because i assumed that was the only way to be.” fast forward to s6 ep10, where she begins taking antidepressants and suddenly loses all her creative abilities. her entire self perception based on her ability to produce real life, ‘raw’ pieces of writing get reduced to.. a mall detective story book. as a result, she stops taking her antidepressants, yelling “my book is supposed to be a profound treatise on damage, but i can’t even access my damage!”

i have a stupid relationship with my art. everything that i create is born of either anger, hatred, loss or grief. upon looking back, some of my personal favourites have been a product of prolonged isolation and solitude. as a result, now when i WANT to create, there exists a prerequisite need to undergo the most horrific situations known to mankind in order to be worthy of the pleasure of creating. and i fear this is what i share in common with some of my most favorite of artists, and with most of my closest friends. this is where diane calls herself a salad bowl - a broken one at that - hoping to be pieced together with gold, her own kintsugi. you indulge yourself hoping that the golden lining would somehow enhance or validate all your damage, that you end up breaking the bowl on your own. if you stick them with glue, how would anyone see the cracks existed in the first place? and if there isn't any damage, what makes it different from all the salad bowls in the world? the irony writes itself, because i sit here creating this, talking about her loss and simultaneously using it to talk of my own. what i’m getting at, is what a loss would it be to rob yourself of the pleasure of creating. what a loss to burden your immortality on your art while watching yourself slowly fade away in real time. what a loss, to confine your own endless possibilities. maybe choose that other, silly variation. maybe “this book will do that, too.”

[susiron]

Man I'm having so many frustrating thoughts about my jaw lately and I want to SCREAM!!!

Like ah, here is a long fucking rant.

Over a decade ago, pretty much overnight, my quality of life did a 180 with a host of symptoms starting up. Tinnitus, visual snow, pattern glare, light sensitivity, ocular migraines, an increase in headaches, some vertigo, brain fog, and just this like complete inability to focus my eyes like I used to be able to.

I've always been really sensitive to stimuli, but ever since this happened it's been cranked up to 100. I get disoriented extremely easily, with really no good way to avoid it. Like if the lighting changes in my room, I get disoriented and feel exhausted. If I go somewhere with fluorescent lights and walk around, I get exhausted. If I look at repetitive patterns I get fucking exhausted and confused and I hate it.

I kind of snapped honestly. And I let my anxiety take over my life. I convinced myself I had a tumor in my head or something, and I was so scared to look into it that when I got an MRI order for a brain scan I just ignored it.

And I just kind of lived like that for a long time, constantly worried there was something fucked up in my head that I was ignoring.

And I know that's a shit way to deal with concerning health problems, but I was scared, and I have OCD and it was just sort of a Mess. And arguably still am.

I've been trying to figure things out now, finally getting over my anxiety. I got that brain scan-- nothing. Didn't realize how much anxiety that was giving me, for a decade, until I did it.

But I still didn't have Answers for why I feel like shit all the time. I literally just spend most of my time on a computer, and have for years, because looking at a stationary screen is a lot easier for my shit focusless vision to handle-- and even then, I STILL wind up exhausted and confused if I have too much stimuli on a page. (And I'm sure the eye strain from the computer doesn't help in ways, but I cannot stress enough that being on the computer is like the only thing that keeps me sane and focused)

But the thing is, at the start of all of this I was having jaw issues. Like really severe jaw popping on my right side and a lot of pain. And I did look into my jaw Years ago, and found out through an MRI (of the jaw, not the brain, so it didn't scare me to get at the time), that the right condyle of my jaw is literally deformed. Like your condyle is supposed to be rounded at the top, but my right condyle is shaped like a lopsided heart, and it's surrounded by scar tissue.

And at the time I like was given a jaw splint to sleep with and told I'd probably need surgery to correct it, but the pain was bearable so I never looked into surgery. And I've just sort of lived with the constant jaw ache since then since I figured it was just a bum jaw and I could handle it so it wasn't worth looking into more.

And now I'm actually doing research on all of the havoc that TMJ can cause. And I'm just kind of feeling like something of an idiot, because it looks like I had my answer a decade ago and I ignored it. And now I'm just a miserable 30 year old who's struggling to just be a person because I can't focus, and I'm in pain, and I'm tired and confused and at this point I can only assume my deformed jaw I've ignored for years is the root of it.

And now I've gotta like get in contact with my dentist to ask about those old MRIs I had, and I gotta figure out going to a TMJ specialist through my current insurance and just--

Ugh.

I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. And I feel like I've wasted so much time and I've been trying so hard to do better and get better but it's a fucking mess.

And like my family is expecting me to snap out of the funk I'm in and be a functional person since that brain MRI o had came out clean, and it's just like-- I still feel like shit all the time??

Nevermind when my family says my screen time causes all of this, when I literally started having heavy screen time BECAUSE of these symptoms that made it difficult to enjoy anything outside of a flat screen

[rainstormcolors]

I know I just sent one but also, 3, 17, 37 and 41 for Seto Kaiba? Please and thank you!

Hello again! I don’t mind answering another ask from you at all. You’re sweet. I previously answered 17 and 37 for Seto, and I’ll copy/paste the answers at the bottom after the two new questions.

3. Obscure headcanon

I’m not sure what counts as “obscure.” I feel like writing fanfiction ends up developing our ideas outside of canon. I’ve encountered more than once the idea that Seto’s biological father may also have committed suicide, whether actively or passively, and even I’ve played with that idea in my head before. Readings of young child Seto seem to vary. I personally tend to lean towards a melancholy and more socially cold reading of him. These don’t feel obscure to me as ideas though.

I once included Seto not eating any roasted carrots in a fanfic, and a little detail like that feels more obscure to me.

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be?

Man… this feels like a loaded question for Seto with all the ghosts in his life. I feel like some of them he’d be afraid to see and others he holds so many thoughts and questions for.

“Atem” kind of feels like an answer he gave in part of canon admittedly.

--

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them

The song The Last Day by Moby is a go-to for both Seto Kaiba and Noa Kaiba. The song Dark Star by Moby also feels Seto-ish to me.

For a poem, The Committee Weighs In by Andrea Cohen.

Some quotes:

“Why does tragedy exist? Because you are full of rage. Why are you full of rage? Because you are full of grief.” Euripides, Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides, tr. Anne Carson

“No greater desire exists than a wounded person’s desire for another wound.” Georges Battaille, Ecstasy, from Guilty, tr. Bruce Boone

“I burn, I freeze; I am never warm. I am rigid; I forgot softness because it did not serve me.” Catherynne M Valente, from Deathless

“I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed that was the only way to be.” Bojack Horseman, from Bojack Horseman

37. What they really think about themselves

Seto’s mind and heart are cloudy and tangled places in canon. I think he wants to see himself as strong and powerful and capable and that he does not feel lonely and that he does not need friends or warmth or love. He’s very defensive to cling to those ideas about himself. He holds himself to a standard he cannot reach. I think he has very complicated feelings about Gozaburo he can’t examine closely – it was easiest to ignore those feelings after Gozaburo’s death at first and then to realize how much he hated Gozaburo and to focus on that. The complications of these feelings leached out regardless. That Seto is lonely and feels his weakness leaches out regardless. If Seto himself answered this question, I think he’d write down lies he tells himself are true. I also think he does know on some level that something is wrong here and that he needs to change. He is trying to save himself but he's very clumsy at it. He does reach out to others at times but he does so in self-sabotaging ways.

[sarahtran]

"I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed that was the only way to be. But I don't wanna do that anymore."

BoJack Horseman (Season 6, Episode 3: Feel-Good Story)

[genxnarumi]

ugh dump

i’m so angry with myself!!!

i have a nice enough job. the pay isn’t great, but i’m treated well and i’m kind of popular among my coworkers (in the sense that, i’m the one who’s always chatting with everyone from different teams, kinda like a chameleon). people seek me out and that’s awesome. it’s like the highest honour i can think of. that’s a first, by the way, i’ve always been an einzelgänger at previous jobs.

just moved into my own place two months ago, which i fixed up all by myself and with the help of friends. friends i’ve had for nearly 20 years whom were more than happy to drag me back north by the ear. finally, we’re properly reunited. this also means i have been more social on a personal level, with friends randomly dropping by for a coffee or taking me out for lunch or w/e.

financially i’m doing better than before. i have some excess income i can spend on treating myself, and then some to save. it’s a bit of puzzling every month but it works out. i’ve repaid almost all of my debts.

recently i’ve been able to be less enigmatic (not to sound interesting, we just mask in here) and be more open about my struggles and feelings and that has really opened up doors for me when it comes to family. we were never close. i have an abuse background. still, it makes me feel kind of giddy to think of trying to heal and repair that. after losing dad, i’ve felt completely alone for much of my life. nowadays i can’t say i have. friends & family are one call away, and always willing to help, i’ve learned.

i have met so many amazing online friends as well, ranging from 15 years of friendship to brand new… i can’t say i’m ever truly lonely, or that im never enjoying myself.

so why. whyyyyy. am i struggling worse than ever?

it makes no sense. i cycle through mood swings too quickly, and i can just never feel something normally. either its supercharged at 200%, or i feel empty, nothing, nada, 0%.

i can feel like i’m on top of the world one moment, and something minor happens (…if at all) and “suddenly” i hate myself so strongly that i start clawing at my own skin. one moment i think im pretty fun to be around, the next i’m thinking of ** because i’m a waste of space and what not. i wake up every morning with a nightmare, somehow drag myself through work albeit like a corpse, feel euphoric for a while, then utterly miserable again and want or try to die. let’s be honest, i’m doing awful. even my boss pointed out several times the past few weeks that i’m not looking too good (i look dead, and she has told me multiple times i looked like i’m falling asleep any moment). it’s straight up a train wreck tbh

but like, objectively speaking, i’m doing great, aren’t i?

i can’t speak up on it much because, bpd havers, people assume right away you’re just being manipulative or attention seeking. at the risk of sounding ignorant, i would like these people to try and live with it.

i don’t wanna go back on meds tbh but at this rate it might be a necessity. also i need therapy obviously but i can’t do it under work hours bc i can’t afford to work any less than 40h.

genuinely, i don’t know how to keep it all running but alas, whatever will i do

the end is so jumbled holy mage cos of meds but it’s ok we move

[nevrush]

i wasted so many years being miserable, because i assumed that was the only way to be

[unbotheredbanahain]

"i've wasted so many years being miserable, because i assumed that was the only way to be." taking antidepressants and suddenly loses all her creative abilities. her entire self perception based on her ability to produce real life, 'raw' pieces of writing get reduced to.. a mall detective story book. as a result, she stops taking her antidepressants, yelling "my book is supposed to be a profound treatise on damage, but i can't even access my damage!" i have a stupid relationship with my art. everything that i create is born of either anger, hatred, loss or grief. upon looking back, some of my personal favourites have been a product of prolonged isolation and solitude. as a result, now when i WANT to create, there exists a prerequisite need to undergo the most horrific situations known to mankind in order to be worthy of the pleasure of creating, and fear this is what i share in common with some of my most favorite of artists, and with most of my closest friends. this is where diane calls herself a salad bowl - a broken one at that - hoping to be pieced together with gold, her own kintsugi. you indulge yourself hoping that the golden lining would somehow enhance or validate all your damage, that you end up breaking the bowl on your own. if you stick them with glue, how would anyone see the cracks existed in the first place? and if there isn't any damage, what makes it different from all the salad bowls in the world the irony writes itself, because i sit here creating this, talking about her loss and simultaneously using it to talk of my own. what i'm getting at, is what a loss would it be to rob yourself of the pleasure of creating. what a loss to burden your immortality on your art while watching yourself slowly fade away in real time. what a loss, to confine your own endless possibilities. maybe choose that other, silly variation. maybe "this book will do that, too."

[grave-diggers-problems]

So the thing I keep thinking about is, was it worth it to be happy for a little bit, even though it ended up sad? Or would it have been better if the whole thing never happened? The main thing I think about is how stupid I am. I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed that was the only way to be.

[tokyocyborg]

best of bojack horseman pt 02

(written out under cut)

i. bojack: " usually, when people ask how i'm doing, the real answer is i'm doing shitty, but i can't say i'm doing shitty because i have nothing to feel shitty about."

ii. bojack: "you know that i don't do the whole love thing. either you end up hurting someone or they hurt you. so, what's the point?"

iii. (*this one deserves some context, so here's the full scene transcription) bojack: "taneisha, nobody completes anybody. that's not a real thing! if you're lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, you sink your nails in and you don't let go, no matter what."

taneisha: "so what? i should just... settle?"

bojack: "yes! thank you, exactly: settle! because, otherwise, you're just gonna get older and harder and more alone. and you're gonna do everything you can to fill that hole- with friends and your career and meaningless sex, but the hole... doesn't get filled. and one day you're going to look around and realize that everybody loves you... but nobody likes you. and that is the loneliest feeling in the world."

iv. diane: "i wasted so many years being miserable because i assumed that was the only way to be."

v. bojack: "just pretend you are happy, and eventually you'll forget you're pretending."

vi. diane: "there's only so long before he gets tired of the real me."

vii. beatrice: "nobody gives a damn what you feel."

viii. bojack: "but no matter how many starts i get, there's always the same ending."

ix. diane: "you're responsible for your own happiness, you know?"

bojack: "good lord, that's depressing."

x. todd: "you are all the things that are wrong with you."