#even though that genuinely helps no one you can’t help others if you’ve neglected your own mental health because that fucks up

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

anyway before I go to bed I think something a lot of people forget when it comes to stressful situations and activism is that you have to have your own lifejacket on before you help others like legit burning yourself out and focusing more on activism than your own health will lead to you being unable to help. but also there’s people who say that and mean they’re just going to like, ignore everything which is. not how that’s meant to work. i don’t know how to explain to you you should help others. don’t, like, sit back and watch people drown when you’ve got that life jacket on, that’s defeating the whole point innit. you need to be healthy to be helpful, and that means caring for your own mental and physical health and taking breaks if you need to (which doesn’t mean ignoring things it just means like. working on restoring yourself first so you don't have a mental health crisis which genuinely does not help anyone) it doesn’t mean just being an asshole who doesn’t care about other people who are suffering and deliberately does harmful acts without any need for “self care”.

[siriusremusblack]

Uh, welcome to my TED Talk I guess?

Imagine this. From a young age, ever since you can remember, your father was abusive and neglectful. Your mother also neglectful but is a bit more caring. At the age of nine you meet someone that is similar to you in one way or another and you become friends. That person is the only one that can bring you any semblance of love, appreciation, kindness and happiness- that you as a small child need. You know at age eleven you will finally be able to get away from your abusive household because of a wizarding school that is similar to a boarding school. You know of it from old books your mother owned, hearing about it from her and some others, and usually is a topic in your parents fights.. you think you will finally have some peace from the abuse, a safe space where you can just exist normally like any other person there.

But… then you meet the rich, popular, pureblood, well known kid and their friends. They immediately start hating on you for simply wanting to be in a specific house.. and the next thing you know. Your sanctuary you would’ve had for seven years has been turned into another hell for you.

The staff and other students don’t care for your situation. Even your best friend you’ve known since you were nine seems to be drifting closer to your tormentors and farther away from you. Then when you’re in a highly stressful situation (being SAed in front of everyone) you say a slur referring to your best friend (which also applies to yourself) you feel horrible, and you apologize. Yet, your friend asks you to leave them alone for good and you do. You have lost the only person that has ever cared about you.

So, you join a group that promises you affection, power, authority, care, etc. You feel accepted for once, like you belong. Then, that group puts your former best friend and her family in danger, so you ask the big boss to spare your friend as the target was her child so you couldn’t ask to spare the kid and the husband was your main tormentor.. so you only asked him to spare your ex best friend. But you’re worried he won’t keep his word because you’ve seen first hand how he is like.

So you go back to one person you’ve met, that you know likes them. Even though they’ve never shown you any concern or cared for what happened to you. You seek them out for help. You ask them to save your friend, then to save their family. Including your tormentor. You practically sell yourself to the man to have this done. Yet. Your friend still dies, only her child survived and you’re tasked with protecting him subtly when he goes to the school as a first year, much later and on top of that you’re to be a double agent, spy and a professor with many many tasks and responsibilities in the very same school you were traumatized and abused. With the very same people who ignored your needs, your trauma and your pain in favor of your abusers.

The kid you’re tasked to protect from year 1 to year 7 is almost an exact carbon copy of your tormentor look wise. Which is a huge trigger. Not only that but they have the eyes of your former best friend. Those eye they use to stare at you with contempt from day one because they automatically assume upon seeing you, that you’re bad and out to get them. When you’re not. Those eyes you see everyday on the carbon copy of your tormentor triggers you, it brings you unimaginable emotional pain you can’t express or explain to anyone. You still have no one.

Not only that, but you’re autistic. You’re misunderstood and have been for your entire life. You don’t know what genuine affection is and you base your actions on how those around you act because those are your role models. Your role models are witty, sassy and sarcastic. They have obvious bias and favoritism towards their own houses and students. They ignore what they want. You act like them. You copy them but yet, you’re still hated while they’re adored by everyone, because you’re favorites aren’t the same as theirs…

Everyone is upset that you’re too “bitter” and “petty” and too sarcastic and sharp tongued. When really you’re an autistic wizard who has been traumatized and vilified all your life with little to know support. You’re seen as petty because you couldn’t get over something that happened years ago, even though it was so traumatic it will always affect you and you have no support system to get the help you need. You’re seen as bitter for being prickly around others and careful about who you get close to, even though you’re surrounded by people who never cared for you constantly seeing triggers wherever you look.

How can you be nice when everyone around you doesn’t seem to be? How can you be nice when you never been on the receiving end of someone genuinely being nice? How can you be nice when you’re in constant stress over multiple taxing jobs? How can you be nice when you’re triggered everyday by constant reminders of your trauma? How are you expected to open up and be nice, caring, happy when you’re silently struggling with immense pain because the people around you never cared to help you? How can you be expected to act in a way when you were never taught or shown how to do so? When all your life you’ve been abused and neglected and unappreciated? You can’t be.

Those with support systems can improve if they want to. They can manage the symptoms of their trauma. But without a support system it is extremely difficult almost impossible to improve and heal. How can you expect someone to be a happy go lucky person when all their life they were beaten down and abused by everyone around them? Trauma affects people throughout their entire lives. Without the proper support and care a person cannot properly heal. It is the same for physical wounds, if you don’t get the proper treatment for it, it won’t properly heal. If it doesn’t properly heal it can and will hurt you more later on. You cant expect someone who was hit by a car and paralyzed to be a track star racer. The same applies to someone who has gone through so much abuse and hate and trauma, you can’t expect them to be this loving, happy, extroverted person.

[theduderdrew]

I’m An Old Man Now

I am now deciding at the ripe age of 26 to write my thoughts out on a *public forum.

It’s been a while. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I was on this app. Which is good. In regards to what I want to use this app for, I’m okay with that. I can’t afford a therapist so I’m good with a bit of discretion.

Where to start, though? So much has happened in my 26 years of life. I kinda wished I would have done this earlier so I could bounce some of these ideas off of something. 26-year-old me and 23-year-old me had vastly different perspectives of the world. Wish I could talk to that kid nowadays. He was bright and bubbly. Hell, 17-year-old me was even more joyful than him. Would be great to get a room with all these versions of myself and discuss what kind of music we like. Maybe what kind of actors we’re obsessed with. Who we are chasing after at the moment romantically. Now that’s a good source of a lot of my unresolved issues lol. Whatever, this is a tangent.

I guess these things will be kind of free form…stream of consciousness?? Sure, whatever comes to mind. That sounds good. I just want to leave something behind I reckon. Something I can look back on and say, “Yeah, that’s me at 26 FOR SURE.” Something to look back on and cringe. I used to write a lot on notebooks. I have a trusty stack of them, but pages are missing. Torn from them because I couldn’t stand to look at stuff I would have wrote while I’m drunk. Or high. Or sad. Or angry. Or happy. Everything involving me gives me the ick. Also, you’ve picked up the lingo “(insert thing here) gives me the ick” Future Drew. Good luck shaking that off.

Where was I? Current way of thinking. So you are in a relationship that has you torn. Torn in a way you were not expecting. All of the friends you have cultivated since high school/college are now contemplating cutting you off (or already have) because you are isolating again. You’ve spent a lot of time with your partner. It’s a personal choice. You really feel completely comfortable with her. She has a ton of flaws, but you love her. You kind of feel trapped because of the amount of love you have for her. But it’s a partner you have actually felt something for. That’s not a dig at the past s/o’s. You have a soft spot for all of them but they set your entire being on fire like this person does. That’s why you can’t get away. You’ve cancelled plans. Cut off your friends. Haven’t reached out. All of your energy belongs to her. Which no one could possibly understand it. It’s unhealthy. You’ve never had healthy relationships to set a system of role modeling on.

Your parents were dysfunctional. Your step dad and mom divorced after a tumultuous 10+ years. They sucked for each other. It wasn’t until your mom and biological sperm donor got back together that you wished for the previous dysfunction. Well, not exactly. That’s not fair. You are so emotionally distant that you can’t possibly give a shit about what your mother decides to do with her romantic life. You only hope she gets the help she absolutely needs. Could be a projection of your own problems, but we all need help right?

Back to the friends. They are tired of my shenanigans. They don’t like the neglect. I don’t blame them, though. In some ways, I believe I’ve outgrown them. But that would imply that you have grown since 17 (*spoiler* you have NOT). To be fair, however, I do have a yearning to reach out to other people. Visit other places. Ingrain myself in other environments that isn’t Atlanta, GA (that is where you live at the moment). The only problem is where you live now (previously mentioned) is owned by one of said friends. You’ve also really hurt her apparently. She cried in front of you, citing that you haven’t been a great friend. The house has been super AWKWARD since. How were you supposed to know though? You were so far up your own ass you couldn’t see the damage you were causing. Now that you are out, smelling the roses, the roses are dying. They have been relocated. Away from you. You’re gonna be alone for a while, so you need to get used to it. Just like your dear old dad.

You have been spending a lot of time with John. He is still selfish. Still a loner. A hermit. A republican? Didn’t see that one coming. You allotted time to spend with him, usually on Monday nights. This is football time for your old man, so you don’t have to talk much. It’s better that way. Better to not address the years I haven’t seen the guy. Keep that elephant in the corner. However, since the breakup, you’ve neglected mom. You can’t even place her. Mom’s divorce has taken her out of the home she knew for 10+ years and into the unknown. And you’re watching football. Fuck you. I don’t care if you are working and it’s the only convenient place, you need to be there for Mom. And you’re not. This Christmas will be the only time in a month you have bothered to hang out with her. That’s hurtful, man. Do better. Stop putting your energy in the things that you have lost before and could lose again (i.e. relationships, your father). That’s a bit unfair. You desperately want to rebuild these relationships into your version of happiness. It could work. But you’ll need to neglect those who were there before your Dad and your current partner. What can you do? How can you juggle? You friends hate the girlfriend you have now. Your mom hates (but actually fucking LOVES) your father. Will the balls stay in the air or fall down with every other lost relationship or friendship you’ve managed to fuck up in the past. Only time will tell. That’s the beauty of this immersive sim game we call life. You can make it your own.

I’m gonna call it a night. I’ve made an ass of myself enough. Hopefully I can private this shit. Good night.

*Touch The Sun - Cryalot*

[hillbillyoracle]

Fuck Goals, Fuck Vision Boards

Task Management for Planning Averse

AKA Even People with Zero Direction in Life Deserve Nice Things

So if you don’t already follow Dana K. White on YouTube, you should. She’s the author of the blog A Slob Comes Clean and several books. What I’m going to talk about below is heavily inspired by her work which is why I wanted to cite her upfront but also seriously go check her videos out if you’re trying to declutter and get organized. 

Right now I’m mostly using her videos and it’s genuinely the only decluttering method that has ever worked for me. And one of the reasons it works for me where others haven’t is that it is a system that doesn’t rely on feelings or valuation. 

I realized that as I’ve gotten better at task management in my life - though lord knows the move has made that more complicated - I realized that not using feelings or judgement based questions is what really helped me. I also realized that I had 100% completely given up on goals. I had neglected to set goals for a couple years now and weirdly I got more productive, not less. What gives? 

Step 0: Give Up on Goals and the Fantasy Self

What I realized is that goals were really just a product of what a lot of decluttering folks call my “fantasy self”. My fantasy self woke up at 5am and did little work out videos but trying to leap to become that fantasy self fucking sucked. It was not enjoyable once the novelty wore off and it largely didn’t present enough benefit to justify doing it. 

Which meant I would stop and then I would feel bad about myself and I’d pick up bad habits to cope with the feeling and then I was worse off than before. 

So when I stopped setting goals, I stopped declining at least because there wasn’t that rebound effect where I self soothed using way too much ice cream and binge watching whatever I could find. I hit a baseline that wasn’t amazing but the stability was helpful. Only when I gave up on the fantasy life did my actual life get better.

Capitalism loves the fantasy self. People spend so much money to try to become their fantasy self and often don’t even benefit that much from it. Then the guilt of seeing that stuff around can lead folks to by more stuff to cope with the guilt. The only people winning are the companies who you buy from. 

Also, folks with executive dysfunction have a very hard time picturing what done looks like. So trying to picture your “ideal day” is low key a nightmare experience for someone like me. Mission Statements can be real intimidating when you’re not totally sure what those words will mean for the decisions you make. Vision boards...I’m sorry I know some folks love them but I really do not enjoy them. They’re a sensory overload of an experience to me from the crafting to taking them in. I’ve never made a vision board that really did much for me. 

I’ve also recently learned about The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin and I am definitely a Rebel. So too much pressure internal or external and I will find the quickest exit possible. Rebels are a small but sizeable portion of folks according to the authors research. Which means there are likely other people out there who also find goals to be way too much fucking pressure. 

This is all to say - fuck goals. But you’ve still got a life to live so how do you move the needle in the positive direction? 

Step 1: Initial Brain Dump

People would always tell me to brain dump but never really explained how. They were like “Yeah just get all this stuff in your head out on paper” and I’m like...I don’t even know what’s in my head unless I go looking for it. 

So I offer you two questions and two methods of gathering answers. 

When trying to brain dump, ask yourself: 

What do I spend a lot of time thinking about? 

What are the specific tasks associated with these subjects? 

If you can’t think of next specific tasks associated with those subjects, it does necessarily mean you need to strike it off you list, it’ll just be a little tougher to know where it fits. 

Sometimes I’m able to sit down and answer these questions all in one go. And sometimes it’s much easier to keep a running list in my phone and when I realize I’ve been thinking a lot about something I add it to the list. Then later I can sit down and come up with specific tasks or process it in step 2. 

Step 2: Task Punnett 

In step 2 I look at my list and ask myself two questions:

Do I already spend time doing this? 

Will I face a negative result if I don’t do this? 

This gives four categories a list item can be sorted into. 

Yes/Yes

The goal here is to prevent burnout so you don’t stop spending time doing these. Common ones are cooking, cleaning, or seeing friends. So it’s important to look at each of these and make sure they’re as easy and enjoyable as possible. 

It also helps to know what your minimum is for each so that if you’re burning out you can scale back to your minimum effective dose is that allows you to avoid the material harm but give you a break - like getting take out or having freezer meals on hand, knowing what the most important cleaning tasks are and only doing those, and at least sending texts or voice memos to friends to connect.

Yes/No

The goal here is to protect this time as much as possible. It’s what tends to go when Yes/Yes and No/Yes tasks start to get out of hand. That will look different for different people but it almost always involves capping Yes/Yes and No/Yes time and not allowing yourself to go over. As you might have guess most hobbies go here. 

Some people will need other people to help encourage them to keep doing it. Some people will need flexibility so it feels like they’re truly choosing it. Some people will need to refresh their memory that these kinds of activities are just as necessary as other types of tasks. 

Guilt and shame is a big one that keeps people from having many things going in this box but it can also be a lack of self knowledge too. We’re not exactly encouraged to explore what we truly deeply love. Mental illness can also make this box tricky as anhedonia can make everything feel bleh. 

In all of these cases, I really suggest making some sort of reflective practice something you try to keep in this box so you can notice what triggers guilt, what sparks joy, and what just isn’t working after a while. Doesn’t have to be journaling in the traditional sense. I used to turn on my computer cam and just talk but now that I need more audio privacy, this has been really helping me.  

No/Yes

I fucking hate this box in all honesty. It’s the one that drains me and makes me feel like shit to look at this list but also I feel the most badass when I actually complete something off of it. 

The goal with this box is to figure out what’s blocking you from this being a Yes/Yes. Basically finish the sentence “I don’t really want to do this because...” and you’re on your way. Most barriers can be dealt with. I used to not believe this but I promise it’s true. 

This is where having a therapist, good friend, or community where you can bounce ideas off of can really make all the difference. A reflection practice can also really help get a different perspective too.  Sometimes the barriers loom so large in our mind that adaptation seems ridiculous or impossible. Take advantage of different perspectives. 

Automation, delegation, and congregation (body double or a group) are incredibly useful tools here. Don’t do more here than you need to. 

What’s key in the second question for this section is that this is something you have the power to impact the outcome of. If you don’t have the power to change the outcome or you’ve done all you can, then the task is bracing, mitigating, and accepting, not dealing with the topic/task head on. 

No/No

There are 2 main things I find in this category - shit I agreed to because I felt obligated and someday maybe projects. For shit I agreed to, the only remedy is to just get out of it, to bail in the most graceful way possible. I also try to prevent stuff from winding up here to begin with (no more event planning for me for a while). 

For someday maybe projects, I like to keep a space - usually Notion - where I can collect my thoughts on it, projects, and pain a picture of what it would take to make it a Yes/No task someday in the future - always keeping in mind what I could do with the materials and time I have available right now. I’ve picked a quite a few of my No/No tasks this way and made them things I do regularly because I left myself those breadcrumbs for later. 

Step 3: Prioritizing without Feelings

So now you have your tasks organized into these buckets and know what to keep in mind with each. So...what do you do with them? 

A lot of people will tell you to prioritize and do the hardest first while your willpower is strong but I say fuck that my willpower is never strong so we’re going to do easiest first to build up some confidence. 

No/No - For obligations that no longer serve me, I bail. For someday maybe projects, I write up some quick notes in my little system in Notion.

Yes/No - gather and prep materials, block out time, ask someone to do it with you or find a group if needed

Yes/Yes - gather and prep materials, if burning out, switch to minimum viable

No/Yes - figure out the barriers, automate, delegate, congregate, list next steps

Stuck Tasks - Too much to go into here but this video is helpful.

Sometimes I bounce around a bit - dealing with a Yes/Yes task will suddenly give me the guts to deal with a stuck task, getting out of a No/No obligation will make a No/Yes task look easier. So I don’t limit myself to this. But when I’m having trouble I go back to the list and just trust. 

If I have avoided doing a No/Yes task for anywhere from several days to several weeks - it’s official a stuck task and I bounce it there while I work through other No/Yes tasks to deal with later. 

Sometimes time pressures will dictate that things need to be handled before others - that’s fine. But usually a crunch will either show you that you will not in fact face a negative consequence after all or give you a motivation boost to carry you through some of the difficult tasks. 

Step 4: Doing it again

So when do you do it again? 

I do my brain dumps on Sundays and sort them into area of life lists so I can work on them by theme or focus but honestly whenever. When I was really in the throws of some bad mood shit I’d only do it every few weeks or so. Any amount of doing this generally had lead to a better life though. 

What about stuff I’m not thinking a lot about? 

That usually means either you’ve got such a good system for it that it’s running on autopilot so why mess with success, the possible reward is not appealing enough, or the possible consequences don’t freak you out enough. 

This isn’t really a system I use for creating like...a good life by a neurotypical standard. It’s what I use to manage the stress, concern, and daydreams I’m having right now, to get things off of my plate and grow my confidence. 

So will this mean everything gets managed? No. But it does mean the stuff most likely to keep you up at night does. Which is a huge fucking boon. 

Conclusion

There’s some more intricacies in this too like moving No/No projects to Yes/No and No/Yes projects to Yes/Yes - it’s not the same strategies in my experience - but this is already running long. 

Hope this helps someone else out too! 

[almatiarau]

DE-RAILED (JJK x F. Reader One Shot)

Pairing: College Student!Jungkook x College Student!F.Reader

Genre: fluff, angst, smut, basically PWP, Strangers to Lovers

Rating: M (18+) minors strictly don’t read!

Warnings: cursing, hints of parental neglect, oral (f.receiving), kissing, make out, boobplay? jk’s big diwk, safe sex, penetrative sex, praise kink?

Word Count: 11k

Disclaimers: I don’t own BTS - they simply inspire me! Also don’t mix up the visual for this fic with their real life, be wise 😉

Summary:  Life has always been a smooth sailing for you, but it’s the other way around for Jungkook. Driven by motivation to succeed, he doesn’t need anything or anyone as distractions, but you, you might be the one he want to get derailed with.

A/N: Hi All! I’ve been wanting to write a pwp with JK, so finally this story comes through, hopefully you’ll enjoy reading it just as much as I enjoy writing it. Please leave any feedbacks or comments if you do, it would mean the world to me. Also, please stay warm and hydrated, stay safe!!

 “Thank you for coming to Big Johns!”

 You let out a defeated sigh once you see the couple walk out of the door of the small burger joint. Cracking your neck to the side, you massage your shoulder gently. No matter how many times you’ve told Soo Ah, your manager, how you don’t like the closing shift, she always manages to give you at least two in a week.

 You have reasoned with her saying how it’s hard for you to get home after closing hour, usually around 11 PM in the night to your college dorm, even though it’s not that far away. She always says that she has to be fair for all the part-timers to get the closing shifts too.

 You look over the clock on your register machine showing 9 PM on the dot, means you still have to wait another hour to finally close the shop and start the closing routine. You hear giggling sound from behind and you peek around to see your colleague, Mi So, on her phone with who you thought must be her boyfriend.

 As you are about to fold another set of napkins, the front door clinking and a guy with black leather jacket, baseball cap and a rather big backpack coming in, walking few steps before he reaches across you.   “Welcome to Big Johns, what would you like to order?” You plaster a smile.

Sparkling doe eyes look up from behind the cap, eyebrow piercing glistening under the lights on his right eyebrow, a ring lip piercing also shines on the corner of his pink lips. Both of his ears also adorned with several set of studs and one dangling earring.

 You can’t help to stare at him as the contrast of those accessories, usually associated with rough guys, or guys in gangs or something, while his face is gorgeous, boyish like-handsome, and with those round big eyes, he looks almost like an innocent school boy.

 “One hot Americano and…” He scans the glowing menu above your head. “medium fries please.”

 You blink several times to resume to your usual headspace and plaster another smile. “Sure, one hot Americano and medium fries will be 7500KRW.”

 He takes out a brown leather wallet and hands you a 10,000 note. The first time those wide doe eyes find yours and you can’t help to feel your heart skip a beat. He is one handsome guy indeed. You immediately hand back the change and pull out a tray to begin preparing his order.

 “One coffee and freshly fried fries.” Few minutes later you push the tray his way and smile, genuinely now as you can’t past over how dreamy he is.

 “Thanks.” He takes the tray and walk towards the table on the corner. You peer to his table slowly trying not to make it too obvious. He’s already sitting and pulling out a laptop out of his backpack, lips purse, he’s busy typing something while slowly sipping his coffee.

 Another clink sound of the glass entrance door and a group of three girls entering while giggling. You pat your hands on the apron wrapped around your waist and start taking their orders, wiping your thoughts about the handsome guy sitting in the corner.

It’s been almost a month since the first time you saw the handsome guy in leather jacket and basketball cap, and every time you have your closing shift, this guy always coming in at around 9 PM, ordering the same cup of coffee and a snack, varies between fries, chicken nuggets or chicken fingers. He always sits at the corner table, tucked away behind his laptop. He would always stay until the shop is closed at 10 PM and you always inform him when you would start the closing routine so that he could packed up and leave.

 Closing shifts no longer being something you hate and dreading now. Of course, you’re still wary of taking the late-night bus alone home, but the excitement of seeing this dreamy guy makes you excited. You’re always timid around guys and you’re just plain looking in your opinion, that’s why you rarely getting approached by guys. You always wanted to dress up but clueless on how to, so you always resort to wear a simple shirt and jeans, while many of your peers are wearing cute dresses and styled their hair cutely. Many of your friends had tried to set you up on dates with guys, but after a few attempts of blind date where you met guys who only look for a hookup, you lost interest in it. You think you haven’t really past over your Disney phase, wanting a love like a fairy tale where a prince charming will come along to sweep you off your feet and shower you with adoration and love.

 So, you thought, until that prince charming came along, you’ll just live with your fantasy, which one of it involves this handsome guy who’s now a regular night customer on your diner. One day, he came and took off his jacket and you gasped a little when you saw his right arm was covered in tattoos, from his wrist all the way up to the skin exposed just under his tshirt’s arms’ hem. You’ve never knew someone with a whole sleeve of tattoos, and it surely intrigues you. He looks like a bad boy, but his attitude and the way he concentrates on his study (you saw him taking out some science or engineering textbooks from his backpack once or twice) is not giving you a bad boy vibe at all.

You glance at the clock and it’s already 10 PM, time for you to approach him as usual to inform that you’re closing. Even the simplest gesture of a nod from him already make you giddy every time, and it’s always enough to give you a daydream. What kind of a person is he? What’s the story behind all those tattoos? What major is he in? Does he have someone waiting on him?

 “Hi, sorry it’s already 10 PM, we’re gonna start closing.” You tell him as you stand not too close to his table. You can see he was scribbling something on his note with furrowed eyebrows before he looks back at you.

 “Oh, okay.” He nods slightly, thumbs and point finger slowly massaging his eyes.

 You walk back to the counter and sigh as you start to turn off the fryer machine. Mi So has left earlier tonight saying she had a late-night movie date with her boyfriend and she promised to pay it back to you on the next shift and let you go home first too.

 You notice the handsome guy has just walk out of the shop when two men entering the shop with tottering steps.

 “I’m sorry but we’re closed.” You step out of the counter carrying your mop.

 “Come on we just need a cup of soda, surely you can give us.” One man with blonde dyed hair comes towards you slowly, you can see his eyes are bloodshot and the reeks of alcohol hitting your nose instantly.

 “I’m sorry sir but I have turned off all the machines, so we can’t take any more orders.” You hold your mop tighter, ready to shove it into his face if he comes nearer.

 The man looks back towards his friend who leans back on one of the vacant tables, his eyes stilling on you. “What should we do now?”

 The other man gives you a sly smirk. “Are you alone sweetheart? Pretty little thing all alone here?”

You take a step back, brain trying to figure out emergency plan if these two men take it too far. However, as you are about to reply, the door clinking open again, revealing the handsome tattooed guy.

 “Is everything alright here?” He glares at the two men and look back at you questioningly.

 “All good man, we’re just here to pick up our girl.” The man who leans on the table answers cockily while gesturing his head towards you.

 You shake your head slowly while keeping your eyes on the handsome guy. You try your best to give a pleading stare so he knows that they’re lying.

“What the fuck you just said? That’s my girlfriend right there.” He put his backpack down on the floor and takes off his jacket. “You two assholes better get lost now or I’ll fucking kick your asses out.” He slowly rolls his shirt’s sleeve and clenches his fists.

 The blonde man who first approaches you tottering back to his smirking friend and pull him away. At first the other man glaring harshly to you and the handsome guy, but with another pull from his friend, they slowly walk out of the store.

 You exhale harshly, not even realizing you’ve been holding your breath. Your grip on the mop is also shaky as you lean down a bit, one hand reaching out to the counter on your right, trying to stabilize your breathing. You manage to see the handsome man approaching you as you mouthed a Thank You.

 “Hey are you okay?” He leans down to level with your head which you rest on your right forearm.

You can only nod, breaths still a bit unsteady.

 “I’m gonna wait for you here, okay? Just take your time.”

 You try your best to stand up and takes another deep breath, one hand over your rapidly beating heart.

 “Y-y-you don’t have to… I-I’m okay…”

 He smiles warmly and extends his hand. “Jungkook.”

 “Y/N…”

 “Hey Y/N, it’s okay I don’t have anything to do anyway, don’t you usually have another friend closing up with you?”

 “Yeah… Uhm… my friend went out earlier, so I’m doing it solo tonight.”

 Jungkook looks around him, even though the store is not that big, it’s still a lot of tasks to do alone. “Do you want me to help out a bit? Might finish everything faster.”

 You hesitate at first, but after the incident you feel more tired than usual and you really want to get to bed soon, he also looks like a genuinely good guy, so you ask him to help you swipe and mop the main floor, while you clean up the kitchen.

 By the time the clock turns 11PM, you both have finished cleaning everything up and you are now locking out the main door. The chilly wind of October night breezes by, making you a bit shiver under your jacket.

 “Thanks Jungkook for your help, I really appreciate it.” You bow a bit.

 “No worries, I’m just glad I was still around, you should have not stayed by yourself Y/N.”

 “Yeah you’re right, I’ll make sure to keep Mi So from getting off earlier next time.”

 You both stand awkwardly toward each other as you fiddle with the sling of your bag across your body.

 “So… how are you usually getting home at this hour?” Jungkook asks.

 You look around the mostly empty street, aside from one or two cars passes by. “I usually take a bus or just walk if I had the energy.”

 “Oh, do you mind me asking where do you live?”

 “I’m living at the dorm near University of Seoul.”

 “No kidding, what are you majoring in?” Jungkook’s voice fills with amusement.

 “Are you a student too?” Your eyes widen, remembering the engineering textbooks you once saw.

 “Yeah, I’m studying Mechanical Engineering. How bout you?”

 “I’m actually in Japanese Studies.”

 “No shit, are you guys studying anime and manga over there?”

 You lightly laugh. It’s very common how people usually assume the kind of things you’re studying as a Japanese Study major. Even though anime and manga surely parts of your studies under Society studies, but mainly you learn Japanese languages and kanji, and also literature from traditional up to modern authors such as Haruki Murakami.

 “Yea anime and manga at some point of time.”

 “Oh wow, you’re so cool!” He genuinely amused now, doe eyes sparkling and his nose scrunched up, he reminds you of a cute excited bunny.

 “Obviously not as cool as a diligent engineering student like you.”

 He chuckles lightly while scraping the back of his neck. “Nah, nowhere near diligent. By the way I’m living just near campus so we are heading to similar direction anyway, you wanna come along? I parked my motorcycle over there.” He gestures towards the parking lot nearby.

 “Are you sure you’re okay?” You don’t want to burden him further after everything he’s done to help you earlier.

 “No worries, I have extra helmet, let’s go.”

 So you follow him to the parking lot and put on the helmet over your head. He smiles again as he checks on the snap on your jaw. He flips his backpack towards his front so you can sit comfortably behind him.

 “Hold on tight Y/N, don’t wanna have you fall off okay.” His right hand takes yours and put it on his waist, so you grab his jacket tightly while heat raises on your cheeks. In minutes, he accelerates and drive you both home.

Ever since that night, to your pleasure, you grew closer to Jungkook. Every time you have closing shift, he will always wait for you to finish up everything and drive you home together on his motorcycle. You also learnt that he’s actually the same age as you, in his last year of school, he’s busy writing his final paper while also applying for scholarship in the US and UK. He’s determined to continue his study for Master’s Degree overseas, that’s why he’s coped up in his study every night in your little diner. Turns out he also has a part time job at a game shop just couple doors down, since they usually close earlier than yours, he usually goes to your shop after closing up.

 “Jungkook, why are you so determined to get a scholarship? I mean, you can just go ahead and apply for jobs after graduated, no?” You chew on a nugget while sitting in front of him. Since you’ve grown closer, you are now always spending your free time (when there’s no customer around) talking with Jungkook at his table.

 Jungkook hums, eyes divert from his laptop screen to your figure. “I need to have better job, better career Y/N, I need to make it.”

 You can see determination in his eyes, making you more curious about the underlying reason for it. Sure, we all wanted to be successful but this fire within his eyes is next level in your opinion, feels like it’s a hail mary type of thing.

 You chew your bottom lip. “Mind me asking why?”

 Jungkook looks you straight in the eyes and pokes his tongue in his cheek, a habit of his you pick up when he’s considering something.

 “Let’s just say the only option for me in this life is to go up.”

 You take it as a way of him to close the conversation about it, so you don’t want to push further.

 “That’s actually very admirable of you.”

 Jungkook chuckles and touch his left ear slightly. “Nah, you give me too much credit.”

 “No seriously, I mean I’m just trying to graduate at this point, get a decent score, look for a decent job and yea just living a decent life I guess.”

 He looks at you again, eyes a bit soft making you squirm in your seat slightly. You’re lying if you said you’re not attracted to him. You never thought that he would actually talk to you, you thought living by seeing him every other night is already enough, but knowing him more only making you aching for him more.

 “Why are you looking at me like that huh?” You throw a straw towards him as he easily catches it and laugh.

 “Nothing, I just thought it’s great for you too.”

 “What’s so great about being average?”

 “Well for starters, I’ve seen too many spoiled kids around who doesn’t even think about finding a job soon, they think their parents are loaded enough for them to just sit around and do whatever they like as if the money won’t stop running.” He runs his hand over his hair, and you can’t help to see the prominent veins of his arms and the glint of his eyebrow piercing.

 You clear your throat slightly to keep your mind back on earth. “Uhm well, they’re just lucky to born with privileges I guess.”

 “Yea I guess… anyway, Y/N since you’re a literature student, I mean, I assume you’ll be better with words than I am, so I’ve been meaning to ask you for a favor…”

 “Oh? Uhm… sure, what can I help?” You blink a few times.

 “So, I have this personal essay for the scholarship purpose that I need to submit, well, I have written it but maybe you can read it over just to see whether I wrote some dumb words or something.” He chuckles, a hint of pink on his cheeks.

 “Sure Jungkook, I can look it over, even though I’m not sure whether I’m capable enough to really proofread it.” You smile genuinely.

 “Pretty sure you’re better with words than I do Y/N.” He looks at you directly in the eyes and smirks, making your heart skip a beat.

 Clearing your throat, you gather the empty paper box and cup from the table. “Uhm, just email me later if that’s okay?”

 “Sure.”

You scroll the baby pink mouse on your right hand slowly, eyes skimming the opened Word document on your laptop’s screen. When you wish you would know better about what motivates Jungkook to be successful and to go up (as he said), you didn’t expect the answer to be within his personal essay.

 As you try to find any unfitted words or misplaced punctuations, you also get to learn about Jungkook’s background, family background that is. His essay is really personal, filled with his arguments of why he needs to be chosen, why he has this drive inside of him, why this opportunity would give him the tools to go further, one that he would never waste.

 Turns out he’s the youngest of two siblings. He has an older brother who are almost 10 years older than him, now with family of his own. His parents were divorced when he was only 5 years old. His mother had been the provider of their little family, working corporate job as well as having a small catering business on the side. His father was never around after the divorced and to Jungkook’s hard luck, his older brother was not as supportive as he should be, busy by himself, leaving young Jungkook to be by himself.

 When he just got into High School, his mom was diagnosed with Melanoma or Eye Cancer. She was slowly losing her eyesight, resulting her to completely quit her job 2 years later. By the age of 18, Jungkook had to find part time jobs to help provide for himself. His brother had married and blessed with a son. However, his bride was not keen with Jungkook and his mother, making his brother rarely visited them, even though he still supported his mother financially. But for Jungkook, other than for school, he needed accommodate himself.

 It was where the essay ended and your heart feels so heavy. You ache for him but at the same time also admiring his strength through all this. Shame creeps slowly inside you. For someone who never had to think twice about tuition fee (because your parents would surely provide you), and to be able to buy some knicks and knacks just for fun, you surely are living a lucky life. Yes, you work part time but it was because you wanted to buy more things for yourself and you don’t want to ask more from your parents, not because you HAVE to do it or else you don’t have clothes to wear to school.

 You take your phone to open your Instagram, to your surprise, Jungkook had just posted a new photo of a cup of black coffee and some books. His Instagram page doesn’t have his picture, only one for his profile picture, but it was a side profile of him which was a bit blurry. Most of the pics are aesthetic pictures of things he captured since he also has passion for photography and videography as well.

 [You] [7:15PM] : Hey, just finished reading your essay, I think it’s mostly good, even though I personally think there are some paragraphs that needs to be rearranged to make it more cohesive?

 [Jungkook] [7:18PM] : Thanks vm Y/N! I know I’m suck at writing for real, feels like I could use your help for rearranging it?

 [You] [7:20PM] : No worries, wanna meet up? I’m planning to get some dinner outside.

 [Jungkook] [7:25PM] : Wanna come over? I can cook us some premium ramen with premium toppings 😉

You hold your phone to your chest as your heart starts beating rapidly. You have never gone to Jungkook’s place before. He did say he lives alone in his home due to his mother lives away with his aunt. It’s also pretty near from your dorm. You got up abruptly and start rummaging through your tiny closet, finding the I’m-not-dressing-up-but-I-wanna-look-cute thing to wear. Deciding on a baby pink hoodie with a black legging and your white converse, you text a reply to Jungkook and put your laptop inside your bag before heading out.

“So, yes or yes did I make the meanest Ramen out here?” Jungkook grins widely, two empty bowls are placed in front of you. You sprawl on the floor just in front of him, hands dabbing tissue on your mouth.

 “Okay, okay, I have to give it to you, that was seriously good.” You give him a thumbs up with a smile.

 “Been cooking Ramen from the day I knew how to turn on the stove, so I’m taking the compliment.” He takes both of your bowls and put it away on the kitchen sink.

 Jungkook’s house is not big, but it’s comfortable and minimalist. A loveseat, coffee table and TV in the living room, a compact kitchen on the left and a little toilet just on the right, next to it is a stair to second floor which you assumed his bedroom located.

 You hear water running in the kitchen and you hurriedly stand up and make your way, you’ve been planning to do the dishes since he’s cooked for you, but obviously he beats you to it.

 “Jungkook, let me wash it please, you already cooked for me.” You walk around the kitchen small island and tap him on the shoulder.

 “No worries, you’re my guest, just sit there and prepare the laptop for me?” He nods to the living room and smile with his eyes. You can’t help but to get more smitten by him.

 By the time you opened the Word document on your laptop, Jungkook sits himself besides you and put down two cans of beers.

 “I swear I’m not planning to make you drunk but I always feel great to drink beers after a meal.”

 You chuckle lightly. “Never cross my mind that you would purposely getting me drunk.”

 “Well, you never know Y/N, I mean, you’re a gorgeous girl.” He winks at you, giving another smirk of his that can wet your panties anytime.

 “As if you ever saw me like one.” You try to calm yourself and start focusing on the document in front of you.

 Jungkook hands you the can of beer and your fingers brush against his when you take it. You can’t help to feel the electrifying emotion of touching his skin, even though it’s just merely brushing fingers.

 You gulp the beer down to ease the tension, but when your eyes peer at Jungkook besides you, drinking his own beer, his Adam Apple’s bobbing, you can’t help to squirm on your seat. He’s wearing just casual homey clothes, black baggy t-shirt and black shorts, but every skin exposed makes you yearn for him more.

 You hurriedly look the other way when his eyes found yours peering at his form. Slowly placing back his can on the table, he licks his lower lip for the remaining beer left there, ever so subtly biting his lip ring for a second, makes your pussy flutters.

 You clear your throat and blink a few times, trying to focus back on your laptop.

 “Okay, so… this is actually a decent number of words for essay, I have asked around from some alumni in my department who got the scholarship, they say it’s not too long…”

 “Okay great.” Jungkook swipes his hair back from his forehead. It’s a harmless act but blame your raging hormones to find anything he does arousing.

 “Yeah, so I was thinking this fourth paragraph is better to be placed after this one?”

 You point your cursor to the paragraph in discussion, and Jungkook leans forward, pulling your laptop closer as he also scoots closer to you until you are shoulder to shoulder with him. The smell of musk and fresh cotton fills your nose, how is it fair that not only he’s freaking gorgeous, he smells heavenly too.

 “So you were saying this to be moved here?” His right hand covers yours to move the mouse so he can edit the document, making your cheeks feel warm with his touch. You are utterly frozen, you don’t want to pull your hand away, but your heart is also beating rapidly.

 “Y-y-yes…” You squeak, feeling embarrassed on how weak and stupid you sounded.

 Jungkook raises his eyebrow on your squeaky sound, looking at you directly, his face is just few inches from yours and you want to run away, but instead you look down but with his right arm crossing in front of you, you bump into it.

 “Oh shit, Sorry Jungkook, I was just…” You scramble for words but when you look back at him, he just stares at you.

 You can’t decipher his gaze and somehow you don’t know what comes over you but you lean forward, lips aching to meet his pink ones.

 When your lips finally meet, you still yours, ready to just step back, but then his right hand which was over yours on the mouse, grabs the back of your neck as he deepens the kiss.

 You whimper at his movement; lips hungrily devour what you’ve been wanting all along. Jungkook other hand find your waist and squeezes on it, making you let out another small moan. After a while, you both comes up for air, lips both swollen, eyes hazy with lust. Your hands find its way to his broad chest, feeling how hard it is under your touch.

 “Jungkook… I…”

 Not letting you finishing your words, Jungkook pulls you to sit down on his lap. His lips finding its way to your jaw, peppering wet kisses along the way.

 “Jungkook…” You whimper again as he slowly licks his way down your neck. While you are lost in the sensation and lust overtaking your mind, you can’t help but think how silent Jungkook’s being and you don’t like that. So, you take a chance and grind your pelvis slowly against his soft bulge.

 “Ah fuck, Y/N…”

 With both of your hands, you hold his head back and return to kiss him. Tongues dancing around each other, lips sucking zealously as the coldness of his lip ring adds to the thrilling sensation. You grind again in search of friction to your throbbing pussy as Jungkook’s hold on your waist tighten.

 Pulling back slowly from the makeout session, you take off your hoodie and throw it away, lacy pink bra on display, covering your hardened nipples. Jungkook licks his lips once again, peering slowly to you as his tattooed hand roaming up to squeeze one boob. He then licks the flesh just above the bra’s cup, teasing you to desperation.

 “Jungkook, please… I want you…”

 “Yeah? What do you want Y/N?”

 With lust filled haze, you can’t seem to find any shyness left in your bones. “Fuck me, please…”

 However, just after your plea, Jungkook freezes on his spot. The hand that was cupping and squeezing your boobs falling to his side, head looking away frantically.

 “Shit, Y/N… I’m sorry, I… I’m sorry I can’t…” He lifts you gently from his lap to sit you down back on the floor. Your brain still can’t comprehend what is happening, but suddenly you feel goosebumps all over your skin from the sudden loss of heat surrounding you. Hugging your own arms, you finally can feel the chilling air against your body, wrapped only in your brassiere.

 Jungkook moves hurriedly to take your hoodie and help you to put it back on, his mouth still muttering sorry’s for God knows how much. You still can’t hear and feel properly, still shocked by the sudden turn of events. One second you bared your torso, pleading him to fuck you, and then the next one, he pushed you away. Humiliation is all you can feel, utter humiliation. You try to speak but your tongue feels icy cold and stiff, tears start to prick around your eyes but you realize that at least have the dignity to not cry in front of him. Cry because he just rejects you for sex.

 You blink your eyes a few more times, one tear sliding off your cheek and you wipe it away with the back of your hand. Rushing to put away your laptop back to your backpack, Jungkook’s hand stop your right wrist.

 “Y/N, listen to me, I’m sorry, it’s not about you…”

 You shake your head frantically. “It’s… It’s okay Jungkook, I’m just… I need to leave okay.”

 “No, please, don’t be sad, please…”

 Zipping up your bag, you look up to him in the eyes. His eyes filled with regret and sorry, and worry. But still you feel that hurt burning in your chest. Maybe you read the room wrong? Maybe he’s not interested in you that way.

 “Bye Jungkook.” With that you raise to your feet and make your way to his front door. Tears finally escaping your eyes, salty waters running down your cheeks. You can hear shuffling behind you.

 “Don’t.” You don’t look back but your voice stern. “Don’t come near, I… I will email you the rest of your file. Goodbye Jungkook.”

The beginning of Spring is really Jungkook’s favorite part of the year. When the snow melts, the sun shines brighter and the wind is just a tad warm. Flowers starting to bloom and the air feels lighter. But maybe, this year’s Spring will be his most favorite. Because after 22 years of living with uncertainty, with worry, he finally has the ticket to a better life, safely tucked within his coat.

 He was accepted, for a Master’s Degree scholarship in one of Ivy League University in the United States. The scholarship even offered him a full cover of living cost. The road to a better life for him, and his mother feels clearer for him, after all this time.

 “Eomma, I got in, I got the scholarship!”

 “Oh my God, Kookie, my sweet sweet boy, I’m so proud of you.” His mother’s voice warms his heart through the phonecall.

 “Are you feeling good eomma? Are you still taking your medicine on time?”

 “I’m okay Kookie, Aunt Yeon Su takes very good care of me, also you don’t need to send too much money son, I don’t need that much, you go buy yourself something, you worked very hard.”

“Nonsense, I will send you more, if possible, I don’t need anything eomma, I just want you to be happy and healthy. I will come back from the US and get the best job possible and we will live comfortably together, okay?”

“Okay… but please don’t overwork yourself Kookie, I want you to be happy too. You know Ji Sung, your cousin, he’ll be getting married soon, he seems so happy, why don’t you find your love too Kookie? So that when my time is up, I will feel relief to leave you to someone who will take care of you…”

 Jungkook sighs, it’s not the first time his mother talking about this and he hates it. He hates the fact that his mother might leave him someday. It’s not that he doesn’t crave love and affection, he does, but he doesn’t want anything to derail him from his goal.

 “Eomma don’t say that, you know it makes me sad. You’re gonna live another 50 years with me okay? Don’t leave me yet, not before I can buy you a big house with a big yard for you to live in. Don’t we need to give Gureum a big yard to run around? Imagine all three of us living together like that.”

 His mom chuckles lightly. Gureum is her guide dog, they have been talking about how great it is to have a backyard in their house so that Gureum can play around comfortably.

 “Yah… Who says I don’t want that? I still do Kookie, but we can always add another person there, a person who will take care of you, who will be your reason to move forward, to create another goal in life. Just because I didn’t have my fairytale love and marriage, does not mean you couldn’t or shouldn’t.”

 Jungkook remains silent, he looks up to the sky that slowly turning orange as the sun is setting down. The color emanates warmth. It does feel warmer, but why does his heart still feel cold. When he closes his eyes momentarily, your hurt face comes to his mind again. Even after almost 4 months since that day, he still can’t forget you, your fallen face, your trembling hands as you walked away from him, understandably so.

 “Kookie?”

 Jungkook opens his eyes and shakes his head a bit. “Yes, eomma, sorry…”

 “I think you already have someone in your heart, but you have always been so stubborn to pursue anything other than that related to your scholarship goal. Now that you got it, what else stopping you?”

 Jungkook realizes the same thing. Now that he gets what he wants the most, the one thing he worked so hard for, wouldn’t it be okay to finally want you?

 “But I think… she hates me now eomma, I… I treated her unfairly.” He lets out defeated sigh. Even though he can pursue you now, doesn’t mean you still want him too, especially after he hurts you that way.

 “Oh my son, my poor son, you have this determination to pursue your goal, isn’t she now one of it too? where’s that fire go then?”

 Jungkook chuckles slightly. “I love you eomma, I will visit you soon, okay? Until then, please eat and take your medicine appropriately.”

 “I love you too Kookie, go get her now!”

It was 8:30 PM when Jungkook steps into Big Johns. The burger joint is not crowded for a Friday night, only 5 tables are occupied by some college students and office workers.

 “Welcome to Big Johns!”

 Jungkook walks slowly to the counter, eyes searching for one person he needs to see the most.

 “Err… is Y/N in tonight?” Jungkook recognizes the girl attending the front cashier as Mi So, your usual mate for closing shifts.

 “Oh, it’s Jungkook right?”

 He nods slightly.

 “Sorry man, Y/N quits a few months back.”

 “Oh… do you know whether she works somewhere else?”

 Mi So shakes her head slowly. “No, I don’t think she works part time anymore, I just remembered her saying she wanted to focus on her final paper or something.”

 Jungkook tries to smile politely, even though he can feel how his heart drops to the floor.

 “Okay, thank you for your info.” Jungkook bows a bit and makes his way back out of the restaurant.

 He takes out his phone and scroll to your name on his phonebook. Apparently, you have removed him from your Instagram friends list, or maybe you block him, because he can’t access your profile anymore. Few months back, he thought it was for the better, so he could really focus on study and preparing his scholarship application. He could only rely on muscles memory of your faint vanilla roses scent, your soft supple skin under his touch, how your lips taste like cherry flavoured cola, your cute little moans when you grinded over his crotch. Fuck, he can’t get horny in the middle of the road like this.

 He presses call on your number, but apparently, you also blocked him because he couldn’t even reach your voice mail. He lets out frustrated groans as he clenches his fist, wanting to punch himself if he could for him being such an ass to you. Did he hurt you that much until you feel the need to erase him completely from your life? Maybe he did, and maybe he deserves this too. because he was horrible to you. After hurting you that much, he didn’t even try to reach out for you. Now, after almost 4 months past he wanted a way back to you? He’d be lucky you didn’t kick him in the guts.

 But he needs to make this right. After all, you were the one always in his mind these past few months. Before you, he always tells the girls he’s close with that he couldn’t afford relationship, if they’re okay with fucking and go, then he’ll be happy to do it. But with you, he couldn’t do that. You are too good, too virtuous for him to bring to bed without promising anything. He knew from day one, that you dream about fairytale love, about going on romantic dates, warm cuddles, celebrating valentines, white day and whatever romantic holiday that is.

 He’s too obstinate for you. He only has one highway in his life and he can’t slow down. He can’t take you on it too, he would ruin your dreams and he wouldn’t do that. That’s why he stopped. He slipped back then he knew. He had been trying hard to keeping it in his pants for you, because he couldn’t leave you cold in his bed afterwards, nor he could offer you the warm cuddles you deserve. He needed to continue his marathon towards his goal.

 He knew he shouldn’t have kissed you, but he barely can keep his hands on himself when you looked so cute that day. So, when you leaned closer, your scent took him over and his rationale thoughts went out of the window. For that moment, he thought at least he could have what he wanted. He’s been deprived of it all his life. But when you asked him, pleading for him to take you, he reminded again on how he wouldn’t be able to treat you the way you should.

 So he did the one thing he always know. Shut himself in, don’t let the things he wanted to get near him, the things that might derailed him from his one goal, to change his fate, his mother’s fate. He and his mother had been through a lot in life that he wanted, NO, he needed to turn back their life. He wanted to show his father, who abandoned them, that he could be someone even without his presence. He wanted to show his estranged brother, that his mother and him will never need his pity money ever again.

 While all these thoughts running around in his head, his feet move by themselves to the only place he knew he might find you. Your dorm.

 As he reached the intercom, he realizes that he never knew your room number. He looks around, hoping to catch someone who might know. He leans into the brick wall besides the closed door, waiting for someone to come in or out to ask since he doesn’t know any of your friends either, well besides Mi So.

 Luckily, someone approaching the door from inside, and when it swings open, revealing a girl in a blue coat, Jungkook steps out to her slowly.

 “Excuse me, sorry, do you live here? I wanted to ask about my friend’s room number.” He gestures towards the intercom.

 The girl looks at him a bit confused.

 “Sorry I swear I’m not a creep, but I’m looking for Y/L/N Y/N? My name is Jungkook, I’m from Engineering Dept.” He extends his hand for a handshake, to prove that he’s honest.

 “Oh, Y/N? Yea I know her, try buzzing 505.” She then walks away, leaving Jungkook to push on the numbers.

 He’s silently praying that you are home.

 “Yes? Hello?” The sound of your voice elates his heart immediately.

 “Y/N? How are you? It’s me, Jungkook.”

 You become silent and Jungkook hates it. He needs to see you so he can get down on his knees to ask for your forgiveness if he could.

 “Y/N please… I’m very sorry, please let me explain everything to you?”

 “Jungkook, it’s been months, let’s just save ourselves from unnecessary talk and just move on?”

 “I know, I’m an asshole to you but I really owe you an explanation, I can understand if you won’t forgive me, but I’m asking you for the chance for me to apologize, directly to you, as you deserve Y/N.”

 You chuckle sarcastically. “Asking? Are you pleading to me? Do you need a reminder of how hurtful it could be to plead and then got rejected?”

 “Y/N I know I messed up, but please, can I just ask for your forgiveness in person, if you don’t forgive me then, it’s okay, you will not see me again ever, I’m leaving Korea in a few months…”

 “Leaving…?” He could hear the confusion in your voice.

 “Y/N, I got the scholarship, you have helped me to get it, you’ve helped me to achieve my goal, I would not rest until you let me see you again Y/N, even if it’ll take me forever.”

 He then hears the door unlock, you buzzed him in, and with that, Jungkook runs to 505 as fast as he can.

You know you shouldn’t give up that easily to him. The one person who messed your life up for the past 4 months. The one you swore you wouldn’t even let him in your mind anymore. You quit your part time job because it would always remind you of seeing him for the first time. The place you grew closer together, spent some nights in each other’s company. You were also scared that he would come back to spend his time there, as if nothing changed, as if you didn’t bare yourself to him and asked him to fuck you.

 You knew he was too good to be true for you. He was supposed to be your daydream, not your reality. But he invited himself into your heart with ease, with no effort whatsoever. Because not only you obviously physically attracted to him, but also his determination and his kindness really pulled you in. You were almost sure he was your Disney Prince came to life.

 So when he reciprocated you (or so you thought), you were already floating to cloud 9. And as they said, the higher you fly the harder you fall, and fell you did. Fell on your face first, you might add, because you never felt that embarrassed and hurt at the same time. It took you a while to be able to accept yourself again.

 Sounds of knocking heard from your door, and you know, this is the time to face him, the source of your gloomy days the past few months. But he’s going away anyway, so you thought, just rip off the bandaid and again, go on with your life.

 You open the door slowly and met with Jungkook who pants a little bit, some of his hair sticks to his forehead, was he running while climbing the stairs?

 “Y/N, please listen to me, I’m very sorry, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

 “Uhm okay? Have a good life Jungkook.” You are about to close the door when he catches it.

 “Please let me tell you more?”

 “What’s there to tell more?”

 To your surprise, Jungkook gets down to his knees. “The reason behind my action, even though it’s still not gonna justified my action, but I need you to listen…”

 “Hey hey don’t get down like that.”

 “Then can I please come in and talk to you?” His doe eyes get even wider with plea.

 You kiss your teeth and tsk. “Fine, come in.”

 You walk back and sit yourself at the edge of your bed. Your dorm is small, very small indeed. It only has a bed, your desk and chair, and a living area consisting with a lazy bean bag type of chair, small coffee table and a TV.

 Jungkook walks slowly, afraid of pushing your stuffs around as he takes off his coat slowly and fold it neatly. He then sits on the rug just beside your coffee table.

 “So?” You try to sound nonchalant even though your beating heart can’t deny the fact that you still find him very much as attractive as he was when you first saw him.

 “First of all, I want to thank you for help me getting that scholarship Y/N, I swear you don’t know what it means to me…”

 You sigh as you hug your rabbit plushie to your chest. “I know what it means to you Jungkook, I’ve read your personal essay remember?”

 “Yes, so you know about my family, right? My mom and brother?”

 You nod slightly.

 “Again, I don’t mean to justify my action, but that day, no, my entire life up until just today before I received the acceptance letter, was a long marathon towards this piece of paper.” Jungkook takes out the acceptance letter from his coat’s pocket and put it on your coffee table.

 “I… I never indulged on what I want Y/N, I always been scared that any distractions would derail me from this.” He points to the letter.

 “So I was a distraction for you?”

 Jungkook massages his forehead in frustration. “No, that’s not what I meant, you are not the distraction, but you are the thing that I want.”

 You bite your lower lips, eyes looking away from him. “If you did want me, why pushed me away? I didn’t ask you to pay attention to me all the time…”

 Jungkook slowly raises and make his way towards you, going down on his knees again in front of you, his eyes search for yours.

 “What if I want to though? Doesn’t it maybe cross your mind?” His hands take one of yours, fingers tracing over the back of your hand.

 “You want to what?” Still pouting, you peer back at him, surprisingly, you find sincerity in his eyes, gleaming with hope and longing.

 “Want to pay attention to you all the time.” Jungkook’s left hand carefully reaching towards your face, when you don’t move away, he caresses your left cheek.

 “No you don’t Jungkook, don’t say things like that.” Tears start brimming on your eyes as you look sideways. Still insisting of not letting him seeing you cry.

 “That’s the point Y/N. I want to but I couldn’t… let me be honest with you okay… I… I’ve been depriving myself from what I want and like for the longest time… Once, I got carried away with gaming in junior high, my grades were slipping and my brother really went to town scolding me, calling me names and just…” Jungkook shakes his head slowly. “I don’t wanna live through things like that anymore Y/N… I don’t wanna give him any reason to trash-talk me, as if I’m just a useless kid begging for his mercy.”

 You can hear Jungkook’s voice starts quivering while mentioning his brother and you realize how seriously broken their relationship is, and you start to understand his determination about making it in his life.

 “I’m so sorry Jungkook…” You rub his shoulder slowly.

 “No, it’s okay Y/N, I won’t be affected by him anymore, I guess I’m a lot stronger now.” He gives you his smile while scrunching his nose lightly.

 “But the point is…” He takes your hands again. “It was never about not wanting you, I wanted you, no, I want you.” He kisses your hand slowly. “But I needed to focus on getting that scholarship, because I know, I was sure, that once I have you, I would always want you, everyday, everytime, and I… I would lose any motivation to do whatever I needed to, because I’d rather spend my time with you.”

 And there, you can’t hold it anymore, tears come streaming down your face as you sob. You don’t care anymore about Jungkook’s seeing your snot all over the face, because this moment was unreal to you. You spent months thinking he doesn’t like you, that he might found you unattractive, and now he’s pouring his heart out.

 “Y/N don’t cry, please, I didn’t mean to hurt you… I’m so sorry, but please don’t cry…”

 You shake your head frantically. “No no, it’s just… I don’t know, all these bottled-up feelings inside me, it’s like erupted at once…”

 Jungkook raises his knees and pull your whole body towards his for a hug. He pats your hair slowly, kissing the crown of your head.

 “I’m sorry, so sorry Y/N that I hurt you the way I did, but if you let me, I will try to make it up to you.”

 Your hold on him grows tighter as you continue to cry on his neck, wetting his shirt’s collar.

 “But I also have a rather bad news…”

 You stop and look up at his eyes. Eyebrows furrowed, lips pouting.

 “Don’t look at me that way please, Y/N…”

 “Then? Why are you always doing this thing to me, you told me you want me and then you wanna give me bad news? What games are you playing Jeon?” You push his shoulders off of you but he’s so well built making your attempt going futile.

 “Hey, hey listen to me, I want you, there’s no lie there, but I need to be honest now, so that I won’t hurt you again.”

 You peer at him again questioningly.

 “I will go to the US in a few months… But I come here today, to ask you, to be with me, and I will take any chances you’ll give me, even if it means for me to wait for you and come back again in two years, I will…”

 You put your finger on his lips.

 “Ssshh… listen to me, stop overthinking everything okay? Do what you want, say what you want Jungkook, you don’t owe anything to anyone anymore.”

 He kisses your finger before continuing. “In that case, I’m hoping for you to be with me, I know long distance sucks and everything, but I will try to make it for us…”

 “You won’t back out on me again this time? Because I swear to God Jungkook, I can’t take another one from you.” Your eyes still glassy with tears it makes Jungkook’s heart ache.

 “I promise I’m serious right now.” Another kisses to your hands. “I was such a fool thinking of you as a distraction while you could always be my goal.”

 You drape your arms around his neck for another hug as you nodded your head. “I would love to be your goal as long as you promise me, talk to me, tell me these things so I won’t feel shut out and rejected.”

 “I promise.” He kisses your temple.

 You move back from his embrace and cup his face. “So, about that wanting thing…” Your fingers thread against his jet black hair, pushing it back our of his face slowly.

 “Yeah, what about it?” He smirks and licks his lip ring slowly.

 You shrug a little, biting your lower lip. You lean back on your bed, both palms prop against your baby pink bedsheet.

 Jungkook’s hands slowly making its way from your knees, further up to your sweatpants covered thighs. His eyes darken as tensions building around you both.

 “I’m not gonna ask again Jungkook, you know what happened the last time I did.” You playfully pout but at the same time, spreading your legs a bit wider to accommodate him in between.

 Jungkook chuckles lightly. “Alright alright, fair play.” He squeezes your thighs, earning a small moan to escape your lips. He leans forward, lips just a few inches from yours. “Don’t worry baby, I’m gonna be the one who begs for you.” One peck on your lips. “Please… Y/N…” He bites your bottom lips sensually. “Please let me fuck you…” A kiss on your jaw. “Fuck you so good like you deserve.” A little lick on your earlobe. “Show you how much I want you, then and especially now…”

 You moan at his moves, one hand already running through his hair as he continues to peppering wet kisses along your jaw and neck. Your loose t-shirt allows him to move down to your collarbone, sucking and nipping to leave his mark on you. Your legs move closer against his torso to search for frictions as you feel wetness dampens your cotton panty.

 Jungkook slowly peers at you. “Can I take this off?” tugging the hem of your t-shirt as you nodded quickly. Moving along him to discard it somewhere. Your pants are next as he tugs on your waistband. You lift your butt from the bed to help him take it off.

 Once you’re only in your underwear, you lay back on your bed, pulling Jungkook’s shirt by the collar to kiss your lips. He devours you like you are the last glass of water on earth, hands roaming all over your body, hips rutting forward as you feel his erection starts to build under his jeans.

 “Fuck baby, you have no idea how badly I want this.” He pulls down your bra cup and envelope your boobs in his warm mouth, licking your already hardened nipple.

 “Jungkook… take this off, please…” You unbutton his shirt expeditiously, craving for the warmth of his skin to be against yours.

 He stands up and pulls over his shirt. You also sit back up, pulling his belt towards you as you hastily take it off. His pants and boxer follow immediately, discarded somewhere in your room. His now fully erected dick stands proud in front of your eyes, he’s definitely big and veiny, precum oozing from his tip.

 You slowly spread his precum with your hand as you already salivating over it, never in your life have you been wanting to suck a dick so badly before, but as soon as you lean forward to lick his tip, Jungkook’s cup your chin and push you away gently.

 “Today is all about you baby, let me eat you out first?” He hovers above you slowly as you lay back again in your bed. He kisses you down from your clavicles, to your boobs, squeezing it together as he curses under his breath. “Fuck, I think I can cum just by playing with your tits.” He then makes his way to your navel, licking it sensually before you feel his fingers grazing your inner thighs, then ghosting above your clit, stroking it slowly.

 “You’re so wet, bet you taste as sweet you smell baby.” He licks a long stripe across your pussy lips, makes you quiver under his touch.

“Kook… hnh…” Breathy moans escaping your lips as Jungkook inserts one finger in you, moving slowly, venturing to find your pleasure spot.

 His tongue giving kitten licks all over your throbbing clit. “Yeah, you like that?”

 You nodded frantically, but Jungkook needs more. “Use your words baby.”

 “Yes, oh my God yes!”

 “Can you take more? Be a good girl for me?” He sucks your clit lightly, earning another gasp from you.

 “Yes, Jungkook, please…”

 He pushes another finger inside, moving with come hither motion, making you squirm on your bed, sweat starts covering your forehead as your breath becomes more labour. You have done it to yourself, but in no way your fingers feel the same as Jungkook’s longer and thicker ones. When he hits a certain spot, you curse out loudly, earning a tsk from him as his mouth making out with your labia.

 “Fuck Jungkook don’t stop.”

 He smirks at your dazed state above him, while his right hand continues his assault on your pussy, his left hand reaches up to play with your boobs, kneading and squeezing, thumb running over your pebbled nipple. You moan loudly as you feel your orgasm building up.

 Jungkook can feel your walls tighten around his fingers, so he sucks your clit again to push you through the finish line.

 “Gonna cum gonna cum…” You arch your back from the bed as your hands tightly grip the bedsheet.

 “Cum for me come on, make a mess on my mouth.”

 And with that said, just like a command, the coil within your stomach snaps as orgasm hit through you like a tidal wave. Eyes seeing stars as your thighs jolt around Jungkook’s head. He slowly removes his fingers out of your pussy and sit back on his knees. Admiring your fucked out state, hair dishevelled, chest heaving as you manage your breath. When you look back at him, he’s licking off your cum on his fingers, eyes still dark with lust.

 “Taste so fucking sweet.” He trails his fingers from your cheek and tap your lips gently, without breaking eye contact, you open your mouth and suck his two fingers, tongue circling around it tasting the mix of your cum with his saliva.

 “Wait, I’m gonna take a condom.” He pushes himself off the bed and takes his wallet out of his pants.

You prop yourself with your elbows, admiring the perky butt and strong thighs of this man.

 He chuckles as he takes out the foil package.

 “What’s so funny Kook?” Your eyes follow him as he climbs back to your bed, ripping of the packet and sliding the condom down his length.

 “I only have this one left.” His eyes look down on his condom covered dick.

 You raise your eyebrow questioningly.

 “Well, I was hoping to do it more than once.” He smiles sheepishly, leaning forward to pepper kisses on your lips and trailing down your neck and shoulder. Hands squeezing your curves.

 You chuckle with him. “Do you even have the energy for that?” Your hands stroking his length in between your bodies, making his dick pulses.

 “Oh baby, don’t you wanna find out?” He winks at you and slowly pushing his tip inside your pussy, making you gasp on his shoulder.

 “Relax for me, take a deep breath.”

 You nodded as you spread your legs even further, welcoming his veiny length inside you inch by inch. By the time he bottoms up, your eyes shut and the only sound you can make are breathy moans as he’s filling you up so good, he’s big but not hurtly big, he’s perfectly thick to touch your pleasurable spots inside, he’s perfect.

 “Baby you’re so tight, fuck, pussy so good.” Jungkook moves slowly, taking out his dick until its tip, before thrusting it back with just enough force to make your boobs bounce against his chest.

 When he hears you moan louder as he thrust harder, he leans back to his heels, throwing your legs over his shoulders, he gives it to you harder and faster, making the bed ruts against the wall. But you don’t give a fuck at this point, let them complaint later, as you chase your own high, delirious in ecstasy.

 “Yesss, Jungkook hnhh… right there, please…” You tug on his hair making him groans against your chest.

 “Don’t beg Y/N, don’t, today is my turn to beg.” He manages the pace as sweats start to drop from his forehead to yours, but you don’t mind it, his skin feels so good around you, encasing you with warmth and scent that you know will crave for after this.

 You gather your power as your hands push his chest back slowly. He slows his pace and look at you with raised eyebrow.

 “In that case, I wanna ride you, see you beg for me?” You push him again as he rolls onto his back. You get up and make yourself comfortable on his lap, pelvis grinding over his still erected dick, earning hisses from him.

 You put a pillow under his head and he looks at you with adoration. His hands caressing your waist and hips.

 “I really don’t deserve you; you know.” He takes your hand again and kisses it. You can’t help but giggle, surprised at how cute he can be.

 “And why is that?” You lean down, kissing his neck because you also want to mark him as yours. One hand pumping on his shaft.

 “Ah fuck…” He hisses again. “Because… you’re so perfectly hot and cute at the same time.” His hands roam over your back, travelling down as he squeezes your ass cheeks. “And more importantly, for even forgiving me.”

 You position his dick on your pussy, and slowly slip only the tip in, before pulling it out again, lazily stroking it around your clit while still nibbling on his neck.

 “Fuck Y/N… baby…”

 “Beg for it.” You bite his earlobe playfully, hand still moving his dick around your pussy, covering it with your wetness.

 “Please…”

 You put the tip inside again, grinding on him slowly, before taking it out again.

 “Please what Jungkook?” Your lips travel downward as your back arch more, tongue lazily swirl around his nipple.

 “Shit, fuck, Y/N, please put it in, put my dick in baby.”

 Jungkook can’t help himself but to push his hips forward, searching for your warmth, his dick is aching badly to be inside your pussy walls.

 “Yeah? You want your dick inside baby?” You tease him again, lightly bite on his sensitive nipple while slowly pushing his tip back in.

 “Yes, baby please… please put it in I beg you.” He pushes your ass forward to move his dick inside further. You can’t help but gasp as your boobs bounce closer to his face. He takes the chance to thrust up while taking one boob in his mouth, sucking on it harshly.

 “Ah fuck, yes Kook, right there, yes!” You move your hips along with his thrusts, making the sound of skin slapping echoes throughout your tiny room.

 You both sweating bullets at this point. Lips crashing with each other as your kiss is just sloppy with more teeth and tongues clashing. Hands all over your bodies, finding more of your erogenous spots, determine to bring the most pleasure out of each other.

 “I’m close baby, are you?” Jungkook pants, kneading your ass cheeks harder you sure it will leave red marks tomorrow for sure.

 “Yes, yes, cum for me Kook, come on.” With the last energy you can muster, you sit back up, hands finding leverage over his tight abs as you bounce faster over his dick. Jungkook’s hand rubbing over your throbbing clit and you cum over him again in seconds.

 “Just a bit more baby, okay? Be good and take it for me?” Jungkook holds your waist tighter as he thrust upwards with more vigor, chasing his high.

 You fall onto his chest, but you determine to make him cum as hard as you were, so you brace through your sensitivity and move your hips to meet his thrust.

 “Come on baby, cum for me, I’m your good girl, only for you.” You kiss him fervently.

 “Ah fuck!” With one hard thrust, Jungkook’s cum spilling onto the condom, still heavily panting, he tucks a strand hair over your right ear and kiss your cheek gently. “My good girl indeed.” Whispering onto your ear, sending goosebumps all over your bare body.

It feels bittersweet for you that after everything happened, you find yourself back to the place you initially thought will only bring you bad memories. However, life sometimes throw a curveball and surprise us in the sweetest way possible.

  It’s officially Spring in March and you are seated in a booth at Big Johns, sipping on strawberry milkshake while your “boyfriend” busy typing away in your laptop. It’s a familiar sight for you, seeing him focus in his element, but this time, it’s different, because he’s determined to help you find a scholarship on your own in the US. So, same determination, just a different subject, and you are more than happy for it.

 “Baby, I think this one is quite near my campus, what do you think? They also have a very good Fashion Design courses.” Jungkook moves your laptop closer to you as you skim the webpage.

 You’ve been thinking that even though you both don’t mind the long-distance relationship for the two years of Jungkook pursuing his Master’s Degree, it would also be good for you if you chased your own dreams alongside him. You never thought about it, you always think that you will just find a decent job after graduating, but Jungkook motivates you to pursue what you really want in life. You did learn Japanese Literature because you loved it, but you know deep down you’ve always wanted to study Fashion. But since Fashion School costs a lot, you don’t want to burden your parents, so you chose the quick way out. However, you never stop doing fashion illustration in your free time, just a passing hobby. Now that an opportunity to really pursue it comes to you, Jungkook gives you the push you need to take the leap of faith, that life really worth the fight.

 You look at Jungkook besides you, he’s just casually eating a fry while reading the Eligibility Criteria of a grant from the school’s website intently, oblivious to your deeply gaze. But when he feels you’re too quiet, he looks sideways and find your eyes, filled with admiration and love, making your eyes sparkle with that twinkles he loves the most.

 “What are you doing?” He grins and gives you a quick peck.

 “Nothing… I’m just glad that I met you.” You kiss his cheek quickly.

 He caresses your cheek lovingly. “Me too… You are my delectable distraction.”

 You pout cutely, hating the word distraction, but at the same time, it’s inevitable from his previous point of view. After all, he does keep his words to you, now he gives you his whole attention and more, so why would you ever complaint?

 “I’m not, I’m your delightful destination.”

 You kiss him again, now slower, savoring the salty taste of fries still lingers on his lips, but also, this moment. You were never one to bother thinking about the future, but maybe, that’s just because you haven’t found the one you called delightful destination. Now, with Jungkook in your life, you think maybe, life does worth the extra fight.

Author’s Note: Thank you very much for reading De-railed, hopefully you enjoy it and do leave me feedbacks and comments if any :) Have a good day everyone!

[luveline]

you know, I'm coming right back [Fred Weasley x Reader]

summary: you're a lonely artist and Fred is your adoring model

word count: 2.4k

tags: reader insert, lonely reader, artist reader, seventh year, kids in love, first kiss, getting together, pining, fluff, friends-to-lovers

It was easy for you, usually, to act fine. To feel fine. Any loneliness that clouded your life was pushed firmly into the depths of your thoughts. You tried to focus on the things that mattered, essays and charms and your art.

You loved to draw. You had sketchbooks filled to the brim with sketches, some half finished, others coloured and lined. You drew everything, though you struggled to bring anything from your memory. Everything you drew had to be done right there, right then, with unsuspecting models. You sketched students eating their dinner, scribbled side profiles when you managed a spare minute in class. But you're most impressive artwork was done in the library, where nothing moved. Everyone was silent. You had pages and pages of bored, tired looking students. When exams approached, you hurriedly copied down the expressions of people on the edge of depression and panic.

You had friends, ish. You knew people. You'd had intense friendships that somehow always ended in awkward drifting aparts. Well, you thought. There must be something wrong with me. They liked me before they didn't, so the fault must've been mine.

You huffed out a sigh, pressing your face deep into the textured page of your sketch book, breathing in the smell of charcoal. You were sketching the illusive Fred Weasley, who you'd never truly drawn before. Maybe you had scraps from your second or third year when you'd still attempted to draw moving objects before getting comfortable and accepting that still life was your forte.

He was maddeningly good lucking when his eyebrows puckered in concentration. He seemed to actually be studying for once, sat at a table with his brother, George, and housemates Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet.

You were sat by yourself, and couldn't help listening to his lilting voice as he bantered with his friends. They were talking about Umbridge (the current victim of the Hogwarts' student body hate train), and quidditch, and their recent ban from quidditch. You'd never played.

"Watch out, dolly fell asleep," said one of the girls.

You bit your lip. You'd been nicknamed dolly by the girls in your dorm because of your porcelain doll you'd had since childhood. Even though this year was your last, you still hadn't felt the need to hide her away. She made you feel much less anxious and alone.

The whole school knew, naturally.

"Don't get any funny ideas," said Angelina,  to the twins.

"Come on Angie, you think so little of us?" said George.

"Yesterday I watched you trick a group of forth years into taking puking pastilles." Angelina said.

"It was hardly a trick. We told them they were multi-faceted," said George.

You could hear your heartbeat if you focused. It was in your ears. It bump, bump, bumped.

Bump bump. You flinched, a hand settled on your shoulder quickly moved.

"Wake up, dolly. Library's closing."

You squinted up into Fred's face, head halo'd by candlelight. Lifting your head from the wooden table, you stretched your neck to the left. It clicked.

"Uh..."

"Hmm?" You prompted him, smoothing your hair behind your ears.

"You have - dirt. On your face. Here-" He said, reaching forward. You closed your eyes as he gently wiped the skin above your eyebrow.

"It's charcoal."

"What?"

"It's not dirt," you said, peaking at him through your eyelashes. "It's charcoal."

He looked mildly surprised. You shifted, hoping to cover your sketch before he caught sight of it.

It didn't matter.

"It's me. My gorgeous dolly, you've created quite the masterpiece right there, haven't you? I look vexingly handsome, of course. Thought if that's a consequence of your skill or my handsomeness is anyones guess."

You were lost for words. "Uh, quite."

"Yes, yes, quite. Say, could I keep it?"

"... You want the drawing?"

"I'd love it, if that's okay."

"I," you quickly dug your thumbnail into the paper, tearing carefully at the centre. The paper came away a little ragged and smudged. "Of course. It's yours."

He handled it with care.

The librarian jingled her little bell again.

"Thank you. So, see you?"

"Yep," you agreed.

He nodded his head and bowed out with his friends. You tried not to feel paranoid at their laughter.

-

You were curled up in a hidden alcove, though it was hardly hidden. Most students knew where to seek privacy in the castle. You just so happened to get there first that evening.

You were trying to sketch Fred again. It felt weird to be missing a page from your book, and weirder still that you couldn't remember his face when he wasn't right in front of you. You tried, but it kept going wrong.

When you finally managed one you liked well enough, you had accidentally ruined it with a heavy hand and the wrong shade of brown.

He looked much too brunette.

You carefully rolled your coloured pencils back up, securing the leather ties tightly so as to keep every pencil confined.

Sighing morosely, you flipped to a new page. Things got so complicated sometimes, it made you agitated. You doodled a little sad face in the corner of your page. When the one thing that you enjoyed in life started to go wrong, it set off your whole mood.

Your birthday was coming up. It had been on your mind a lot lately. You'd spend it alone. That's what you figured. Nobody would know it was your birthday, or if they did, you weren't friends now, so...

You began with an arching circle, bisecting the lines appropriately. Feeling out the familiar lines of your own face came easy, the slight upper tilt of your brows, your hair and your pursed mouth. You always looked sad in the mirror, and it showed, dotted here and there when the only thing to draw was your own face.

The rudimentary outline of a birthday cake took form. The candles were unlit.

In a fit of unhappiness, you scratched out your mouth. It was never smiling.

"What did that piece of paper ever do to you?" said a voice.

You jumped. Fred was peering down at you curiously, wringing his hands. You put your pencil between the soft cover and smashed it flat, closed.

"Hi, dolly."

"Weasley."

"Oh, not even a first name?"

"You neglected mine first," you reasoned, rolling the words. He smiled at your joking tone.

"How rude of me. Hi, Y/N," he corrected himself.

"Hi, Weasley."

He smirked.

"Anymore of me in that blessed vessel?"

"Nah. You never stand still."

"If I pose for it?" He asked. You patted the ground in front of you.

He was a lovely model. He stayed infinitely still, more still than you imagined possible for him. He sat at a 3/4ths angle, chin up but not too far, mouth tilted and eyes open.

His eyes were the one thing he couldn't keep still. You tried not to flame in the cheeks everything you'd catch his gaze on you.

You sketched fast, choosing to hatch rather than render, big swooping lines to give the illusion of a depth that wasn't really there. You would've loved to do a full render, maybe even a colour portrait, but he was beginning to look a little antsy.

You set the book on the floor to face him and pushed it into his eyesight softlt. He turned. He looked nice like that, face bent, hair falling into his eyes.

After a moment, he began scrounging through his robe pockets. He set down a box, a lighter, a pair of gloves.

Finally, he set a galleon onto the floor close to your crossed legs.

"For you," he said, smiling at your inquisitive look. "For the drawing."

"Oh, I can't accept that. And I'd like to keep this one, if it's alright."

Fred thought for a moment. "Alright, you keep it. And the galleon, too, for the one you gave me the other day."

You bit back a smile. "I can't take your money, Fred."

"I can't keep having you draw me for free. It's as valuable a service as anything else. Plus, I'm not sure if you know, but I run a lucrative business these days."

You picked up the coin, rubbing your thumb against the engravings thoughtfully. "It's hardly a service."

"A talent, then. A skill. You're very good."

You're neck almost snapped as you looked into his face, wanting to assess his expression for genuineness. He looked earnest, and kind. You blinked away the gathering heat behind your eyes.

"Thank you."

He waved a hand at you. "Think nothing of it."

"Really-" you cleared your throat, "-you're doing me a favour. I'm not good at drawing things that move."

"I'm sure you're better than you think," he said.

You shook your head, smiling smiling smiling.

"What's in the box?"

"Oh, this old thing?" Fred weighed the box in his hands. It was soft at the corners, like a simple jewelry box that you had in your trunk. He offered it to you. You opened it carefully, the lid sliding free with a shhhhh sound. Inside was an evil looking fruit pastille, a match stick and a dried up flower petal.

It felt like a very private thing to see, suddenly. Such an eclectic collection of items couldn't be random.

"The first puking pastille George and I made. Or rather, the second - the first was forcibly fed to Lee Jordan in our third year. The match stick is from my Uncle's matchbox. I never met him. And the flower was from Ginny, when she was 9." He sounded nervous.

"It's a memory box."

"I- yes. It is. Things are sometimes so miserable now, with Umbridge and you-know-who. Scary, even. I look at them when I feel like it won't ever end."

You took them in for a little while longer and then placed the lid onto the box with nimble fingers. You scratched the lid with a fingernail.

"It's nice. You're right. Things are so awful right now, it's good to have reminders of why we keep going."

"Exaclty. Dolly, can I interest you in a fruit pastille?"

"Not on your life."

"They're perfectly edible!"

"Sure, Fred."

-

The honest conversation you'd shared with Fred was a catalyst between you. He often came to find you, each time whining and nagging you to just sit in the library like most people do.

"What, so your housemates can throw paper balls at me?"

"They thought you were sleeping!"

A likely story, you thought. He sometimes asked you to draw him, posing with the elegance of a natural born model. It was great for you personally, you felt that you were really getting a feel for his face. Eventually, you were able to draw his face from memory, the details of his nose coming to your fingers as easily as a first year spell.

It became about capturing emotion. You could capture his likeness now without a second thought, but his emotions were much more complicated. How would you show his veiled frustration the day Umbridge kicked him off the quidditch team? Through the clenching of his jaw? The shy veins in his forehead? How did you showcase the fear when he'd come back to Hogwarts after Christmas break, through his eyes, downturned and squinting just a little?

Today, it was poorly hidden elation. "How come you're so happy?" You asked, pencil between your teeth. He grinned. You measured his face with your thumb in the air, forming an L.

"Is it a prank?"

"You're thinking too small."

"A new product?"

"Still need to go bigger!"

"Hmmm," you hummed. Measure twice, cut once. Or in your case, sketch once.

"George and I, we're gonna open a shop."

"A section at Zonko's isn't enough for you?" You asked, casually, though you were very very happy for him.

"It's going to be amazing. We're going to run it, just the two of us, and you won't catch me in these scrappy long sleeves anymore. The next time you see me, I'll be in a full suit and tie."

"The next time? Is that not tomorrow?"

Fred closed his mouth, realising his mistake. He had revealed something he hadn't intended to. "We're leaving," he confessed. "We were going to wait for our NEWTs but... Well, we won't need them. This is going to work."

"So. You're leaving today?" You asked, crestfallen.

"Hey," Fred said, rubbing a placating hand over the curve of your shoulder. "Tomorrow. During the DADA OWL. We have a plan."

"This is goodbye?"

"No! No. Not if you don't want it to be. Actually, I've been meaning to ask you something, and maybe now isn't the best time, I had this whole letter planned and I didn't want to distract you from your exams and-"

"What do you want to ask me?"

Fred straightened. "I wanted to ask - will you go out with me? Not, you don't have to be my girlfriend if it's too soon, I'd love to take you for food someplace, I was going to ask you to Hogsmeade, but when the shop officially became ours, the plans changed so fast and I didn't know if you'd still want-" you cut off his rambling.

"I'll be your girlfriend," you said.

"You will?"

"Sure, if you'll be my boyfriend," you murmured.

Fred moved the arm that had been on your shoulder to the nape of your neck. "That's a dealbreaker," he said, leaning in.

He kissed you chastely on the lips first and then pulled back to look into your face. You chased him, a moment of bravery, and opened your mouth to taste him. He was sweet, like sugar. Your sketch pad crinkled beneath you both as he pressed forward. Your chests touched, heaving.

"You're not gonna be my boyfriend?" You asked against his mouth, breathing hard.

"I'm gonna be much more than that, dolly," he said heatedly.

Your mouth was tingling. "Kiss me again?"

You gasped at the force of him, laughing. He laughed too against your lips, and the sound tickled. He gave you a multitude of short and sweet kisses before pulling away again.

He wiped the wetness from your lip with his pinky finger. "Godric, you're cute. Look how flushed you are! You're insane."

Something churned in your stomach. The butterflies had acquired a trampoline. You felt happier than you had in a very long time. "You're not half-bad yourself, Weasley."

[whiskehorange]

Hi, I’m so sorry to bother you but I’ve been feeling down lately and I really enjoy reading ur blog. Is it ok if you do Jason, micheal, bubba Thomas, Brahms ,pyramid head, asa and Harry warden if possible with an S/O who’s usually happy and willing and all of a sudden she breaks down one day bawling on the couch or something and she didn’t know they were there, not wanting to make them upset or sad? Sorry if it’s really sad, I just need a lil love, I love u and ur blog! Thank you! Take your time and drinks lots of water!

Jason

Uhm, excuse me bitch what in the fuck is going on? You gave you the right to scare the shit out of Jason like that?

When he first came home the weeping made him freeze. He was positive it wasn’t you, he had never even seen you frown before so this absolutely cannot be your crying. Yet, as he walked in to see you whip around, tears streaming down your face as you look at him in pure shock you almost send him falling backwards

He doesn’t even care what made you cry of feel this way he’s going to be up your ass the entire day. Coddling, kissing, rubbing, and doing any and all for of comforting that he knows how to do

Jason absolutely hates seeing you cry, especially as hard as you did. You’re more than welcome to talk to him about it for as long as you want whenever you want and all he will do is listen and comfort you

Jason is a very physically affectionate man, even though he is a bit hesitant at first, so when you feel yourself in a time like this, you bess’ believe that he’s going to be around you 24/7. Even a few days after that, he needs to be your therapist (which he’s real good at)

Michael

You won’t be able to see it, but Michael is panicking and sweating bullets underneath that mask. It’s an immediate fight or fight response

Michael, overall, isn’t too good with handling other peoples emotions, so don’t be surprised when he doesn’t come to you right away for any sort of comfort in those "typically ways"

Hugging, coddling, cuddling, and any typeof caressing is going to come later in the day when things have begun to quiet down. Not only is he completely unused to having to comfort you in anyway like this, but he's pretty pissed at whatever made you come to this point

The main thing Michael wants you to do is to talk to him, tell him what's wrong so that he knows just how to handle the situation: either to kill or to... not know what to do

It's very safe to say that he will get better with knowing how to comfort you if this does ever happen again, which he really hopes it won't.

Bubba

There is a lot that can make Bubba cry, at this is one of the times he wasn't expecting to. Everyday, no matter how hard it was for him, he knew he could count on your cheery face to great him when he comes running back inside

His first reaction is to panic; he's never been put in this sort of situation before with you and he really doesn't know how to approach you. He sort of just sits awkwardly next to you and whines

Comfort does eventually find your way with pets and hugs, there aren't really any verbal affirmations he can give you, but for what he lacks in communication he can make up with physical affection one way or another

A downside to Bubba, however, is that he almost has an out-of-sight-out-of-mind personality realistically. So don't get too upset if when you have some space from him that same day that he'll sort of forget you've been upset

In that case, be prepared for the exact same meltdown when he figures out how upset you've been for the second time

Thomas

Thomas' defense mode in immediately activated. Never would he have thought that he would have to be on the comforting side so you'll have to give him a minute, but it really isn't even that long

He's gentle and patient, he knows what its like to feel such extreme motions and most of all that they are pretty hard to get out, so take your time and he'll be here with you until you're back up on your feet. Literally

To say you scared him would be an understatement, but he pushes that aside to genuinely make sure that you are not physically hurt, because if that was the case whoever did it should be the one scared

Instead, Thomas has somewhere quiet for you to go with him, the least he would want is for Hoyt to complain about such "loud" crying in the house. It's better for him to give out physically comforting, too!

His go to's are hugs and petting/caressing, it's what he would want. It's comforting to say the least, but the fact that you can't even breath right doesn't go down well when he's crushing your spinal cord in a bear hug

Braham

However oblivious, he's oddly able to tell that you're acting different before you even get the chance to melt down. From all of the time spent watching you from within the walls, you can say that he knows you like the back of his hand

Brahms has absolutely no clue how to address you. Of course he's fended for himself for a long time but any sort of emotional help is foreign to him

He'll come around, of course, the moment that you do breakdown he's by your side and he's ready to do just about anything you tell him to do but he's on edge

However, the sort of comfort you will get from him will be physical, it's the best way he can quickly show any form of care for you that he thinks will work. Brahms absolutely hates seeing you this way because he want to be able to fix the problem and he just doesn't know how

He insists that you tell him whats wrong as he holds you, curled up, in his lap. Gently caressing your head and face as he listens to your soft cries and explanation. It's the best he can do for you and he knows that that he'll have to pay close attention to when you baby him next, that way he's prepared for whenever this might happen next

Pyramid Head

What the fuck even? Pyramid Head isn't going to catch on too soon, but the moment he hears your cries from anywhere he is by your side immediately

He hates it the most out everyone on this list, and I mean that heavily. Not only does he go on rampages because he doesn't know what's wrong, but it pisses him off to no end that he doesn't know how to handle it

Pyramid Head wants so bad to be able to comfort you and understand what's made you this upset that he can come across as a little overbearing, but mainly clingy. He doesn't leave your side well after you've stopped crying and makes sure to keep an eye on you from now on so that he can possibly be there before this happens again

While he isn't able to properly communicate to you, a lot of his body language displays signs of uncomforted alongside you. Just about any emotion you feel he absorbs and feels it right with you, mainly because its his way of showing you that you're not alone and he's here to spend this time with you

Just please don't ever do that again it's so stressful he likes seeing you bubbly not sad omfg-

Asa

Asa is the most unreadable, really. He's able to keep his composure the entire time as you bawl your eyes out before him, but inside he's shaking up a little. He doesn't like seeing you upset whens it's not for play of course, so it comes as a bit of a surprise for even him

He's a little hesitant to comfort you because he is surprised, but is also just one of the most distant when it comes to comfort in this way, While being used to your much brighter personality, eventually he'll get better at it for for the time being, you don't have to deal with much of him

There is some physical reassurance, so you're not completely neglected, but Asa does have other things to do. He gently takes you in his arms and leads you up to the bedroom where he lays you down, caressing your head and covering you up

He'll leave to get you water or a drink and some other small things like your phone or a small snack if you haven't eaten, but mostly your phone so that you can call or text him if you need him. From there he'll shut the lights iff and let you get a bit of sleep

Asa stays in the house and cancels any outside plans for the day and makes sure that his phone's ringer is on at all times. By the time you call him for something he'll be up to your room before the ringtone even ends

Harry

Harry is most definitely clueless and will feel like he's going to cry right alongside you. Harry is not good at handling his own emotions let alone yours

He adored being around your bright and shining face everyday, it was something that could regulate his own and he clung to you like a moth to a lamp. So, you can only image the confusion and terror Harry experiences when he comes home to you the complete opposite

It's a very frantic sort of comfort that he gives you, moving from one thing to another to try to figure out what's wrong and what do to. It's really almost as if Harry feels your emotions stronger than you do, but he wants to do everything in his power to fix you

He comes home extra aware in the future, always prepared to be there by your side in hopes to deal with your feelings better, but he still doesn't like it at all. He goes out of his way to do more things around the house of for you in general to lessen up any stress, even if there was none in the first place

[rin-itoshi]

mc’s departure | obey me

summary: how the brothers would react to MC returning to the human world after a year in the devildom

contains: fluff , angst , ?!!!!&;@;&:idk

♯ LUCIFER

he’s the one to see you off, reminding you of the many things he had taught you so that you’d never forget.

his pride is much too large to admit that he will miss you to death and that he loves you dearly.

after you’re gone, he’s gone for hours at a time, holed up in his room with as much as work as he can take on.

he overworks himself with the intention of getting rid of the heavy emotion on his heart.

everything reminds you of him, even the paper clip on his desk that you had once found under his bed.

he gets easily irritable, feeling rather empty now that you’ve gone and left him alone in this now quiet house.

barely leaves his room, only works.

never cries but gets quite emotional when he finds a belonging you left behind.

♯ MAMMON

he cried every single night up until your departure but never showed you that side of him once

after you left, he cried non-stop, not caring if he looked like a cry baby in front of his brother’s who watched him with pitiful eyes.

once his eyes dried up, he soon never returned home as he partied all day and night.

he forced himself to attend parties after parties in order to forget about you.

it never works because everything reminds him of you.

sometimes he sits in his car and just stares into space, wondering what you’re doing now that you’re back on earth.

literally cannot stand the mention of you or your name or he may break down.

pretends to be okay but can’t go a day without getting upset about your absence.

money soon becomes pointless when he realizes no amount of cash will bring you back to the house of lamentation.

♯ LEVIATHAN

curled up in his bath tub and cried himself to sleep.

stopped leaving his room in general, continuously playing games all day and night.

couldn’t look at his ruri-chan figures because they somehow reminded him of you and how much you used to admire them with him.

every inch of his room has your touch on it and it makes his heart ache painfully.

struggles to attend online school but manages to make it through the day by zoning out in class.

claims he doesn’t care about a normie like you but genuinely misses you

sends you messages, forgetting you can no longer contact him without your D.D.D

writes about how much he misses you on his blog fully aware you’ll never see it.

♯ SATAN

reading. that’s all he does.

he hides in his room and reads every single book he has stacked up along his room, even rereading them if he finished everything.

uses books to get his mind off of you—or more so the lack of you.

will sometimes get excited about a stray cat he sees but stops himself when he realizes he can’t tell you because you aren’t here.

gets angry. a lot.

the smallest things set him off and he can longer feign a smile when he hears your name or anything related to you.

he misses you so much that he wants to tear out his hair and rip apart all these book page by page.

his room is in shambles and he can’t seem to think straight anymore.

♯ ASMODEUS

loses his interest in everything.

forgets his skin care routine and lets himself go without caring about it.

forces himself to go to parties and tries to sleep with someone to feel better but when it fails, he stops sleeping around in general.

like mammon, he doesn’t come home often to avoid seeing the house he had lived in with you happily.

cannot forget about you no matter what he does, and that frustrates him the most.

wishes he had done something to stop you or at least slept beside you one last time.

neglects himself for a while.

♯ BEELZEBUB

poor bby isn’t hungry for once.

can’t seem to eat now that you’re not sitting beside him, giggling about something he had said.

spends a lot of his time doing weight training and exercising to get his mind off of you.

misses all the meals you used to make on the nights you were in charge of cooking.

sometimes forgets you’re not around whenever he’s about to go downstairs to eat dinner.

clings to belphie in hopes to fill the gap in his heart.

accidentally broke down your room door in an angry fit when your absence finally set in.

♯ BELPHEGOR

either he sleeps even more or somehow gets less sleep.

no matter what, he feels sluggish and blank.

locks himself in the attic, almost as if he was never released in the first place.

even though he hated humans, your absence affected him the most after he had grown to love you as a human.

nearly went demon mode on diavolo when he found out that you were being sent back to the human world.

partially wishes he never met you but cherishes his memories with you too much to ever wish for that wholeheartedly.

sleeps in your bed often to hold onto your lingering scent that was fading quickly.

complains to beel that you were nothing but a stupid human who turns their backs on demons like them, but he never means anything he says.

“Why is it so quiet in here?” Diavolo asks as he opens the front door of the House of Lamentation with Barbatos at his side. The man’s golden eyes scanned the entry hall, noticing how it was so eerily dark and quiet that it almost felt like something out of a horror movie. It felt like no one had lived here in over two thousand years. “Hello?”

Upon receiving message from Diavolo, everyone had exited their rooms for the first time in a while, looking like they were dragged through the mud. The state they were in made Diavolo jump with surprise, shocked to find that even Lucifer looked like he was ill. “What happened to you guys?!”

“What is it that you need, Lord Diavolo?” Lucifer asked as he ran a hand through his hair to compose himself a bit in front of the red haired man. “If is nothing important, may I kindly ask you to leave and return another time?”

Diavolo sighed, shaking his head lightly as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t know what’s up with you guys, but I brought everyone’s favorite person along with me so sing your praises now!”

Mammon huffed, “If ya’ talking about that butler of yours, ain’t nobody care right now! We got bigger things to worry about!”

Barbatos simply smiled, taking no offense to the sly insult thrown his way.

Diavolo cocked a brow in confusion. “What? Of course not! It’s-“

The person stepped out from behind Diavolo, catching the attention of every single male in the room. The seven brother’s choked, staring at the one person they had longed for these past few days.

“[y/n]!” They shouted in unison, practically flying down the stairs to get to you. Mammon was the first to reach you, wrapping his arms around your entire body as he tackled you to the floor. The other brother’s climbed on top of you two, hugging you so tightly that you feared this would be where you’d die. “You’re back!”

Diavolo chuckled boisterously. “This is amusing! You lot are acting like you didn’t know they’d return today!” His laugh came to an abrupt stop when he saw the flat expressions coming from each and every brother. “Oh- Did I not inform you?”

“Obviously you didn’t.” Belphegor scoffed with a roll of the eyes, burying his face in the crook of your neck to inhale your scent. “[y/n]...”

“Ya can’t ever leave again! I’ll seriously get angry at ya if this happens again! Ya either go to the human world with me or ya don’t go at all!” Mammon snapped, cupping your cheeks while getting dangerously close to your face to yell at you.

“I’ll severely punish you if you ever leave this manor without giving me a heads up as to where you’re off to. You’re not just an exchange student anymore. You’re special.” Lucifer explained, a panicked glint in his tired eyes as he reached out to pat your head gently with his gloved hand.

Satan sighed, pressing his forehead against your back. “If you leave again, I don’t know if I’ll be able to control my emotions, so don’t leave.”

The avatar of lust whined loudly, “my beautiful self can’t handle a life without you! Don’t ever go anywhere without me again!” He clutched onto her waist tightly.

“Don’t... Don’t go anywhere.” Leviathan said with a sad frown on his lips as he held your hand, bringing it up to rest against his cheek. “It’s so empty without you.”

“Let’s eat dinner together, [y/n].” Beel suggested, his voice full of emotions as he drooled at the thought of dinner with you.

A million emotions ran through your veins as you sat there, basking in the warmth of their touch. It was overwhelming to receive so much love all at once but it was amazing.

A smile slowly crept onto your lips as you leaned into their touch, enjoying the way they clung to you as if you’d disappear any moment now. “I missed you guys, too.”

“What a lovely reunion!” Diavolo exclaimed happily, snapping a view blurry photos on his D.D.D to send to the group chat later.

After the heartfelt moment, they quickly disappeared upstairs to fix up their appearance before rushing downstairs to the kitchen where you stood. They clung to you like bugs to a light, hounding you about your sudden departure, only to find out that you had gone up there with Diavolo and Barbatos to help the man experience human world activities he had never gotten to try before. Diavolo was sure he had told them that but seeing as they were genuinely distressed, he assumed the message never reached.

Even though they were beyond pissed with Diavolo and his carelessness, they were just glad you were back. Them being here with you really was their idea of a perfect life.

a/n: UH YEA K GOODNIGHT

[mrpenguinpants]

Razor:  Jealous HCs

Hey anon!! As much frustration I hold for crippling oblivious couples, I also love the trope so much. Plus I adore Razor. Even though I try to not call Razor a dog, I still google “jealous dog traits”. Also, I found out both Hanniejji and I secretly HCs Bennet is friends with Razor and Fischl. If genshin won’t give me character interactions then I’ll write it myself.

---

Semi Part 1: General HCs

Semi Part 2: Pre-Relationship HCs

Semi Part 3: Cuddle HCs

[Masterlist]

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[taglist]  <- if you want to be added, please read this first.

 @mikeysbike @unionwitch @musekala @sunnshiii @stanzastic @akaasea @xoneaboveallx @adoring-ghost @asheseiler @childelover @dilucsz @dai-tsukki-desu @thicmitten @nonniechan @htnicayh @genshins1mpact @morthecreator @ aanne2601 @hanniejji​

Razor:  Jealous HCs

Bennet and Fischl are both foaming at the mouth at how deeply in love you BOTH are and yet you’re both equally blind. Fischl wants to grab you by the shoulders and yell at you that Razor returns your feelings and you need to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing. A sad Razor looks like a kicked puppy and even she can’t handle it. But Razor absolutely refuses for anyone to confess for him because he believes that you might just genuinely be uninterested in him. Plus, it wouldn’t feel right if he couldn’t confess himself. It’s his first love, this is important to him.

Bennet thinks it’s really sweet that his friend is in love. Even if he does get a bit pouty that whenever he get’s hurt, Razor will ask if he’s alright and leave it at that. But if you accidently trip Razor is already at your side and fussing over you. Bennet uses this as physical proof that yes, your feelings are returned and this man is in love with you, but you always brush it off as Razor’s nature to be caring. He’s smiling patiently on the outside but on the inside he has his hands in his hair and he’s screaming.

God forbid anything upsets you. Razor hasn’t been around other humans long enough to pick up on most social cues but he does have a good sense of smell. If you’re happy then the wind smells like sweet flowers. If you’re upset then it smells like mint. While Razor usually keeps himself in check and is somewhat indifferent, the second he catches any signs of distress from you he’s on high alert. Until you tell him what’s been bothering you - a group of hilichurls stole your bag of snapdragon flowers - he’s going to be on guard and stressed out. He’s already throwing his claymore over his shoulder to go and fight the monsters that tried to upset you. Wow, what a good friend you say to Fischl. Fischl is ready to punt you off a cliff.  

Razor tries his best to show that he likes you by bringing the things you need and looking like such a proud pup. He looks at you with such hopeful eyes that it takes you a second to register what he’s asking before you feel your own heart rate speed up and pound into your ears. You flush pink before you move to embrace him and ruffle his hair as praise as he nuzzles into your shoulder affectionally. You assume his affectious actions are apart of his wolf nature and how they act so you try not to read too deep into things. Even if Razor seems a bit too happy to be hugging you and receiving pets. Or the fact he doesn’t let anyone else pet him...

Bennet tries his best to help his friend out by giving Razor some advice but considering Bennet himself hasn’t been in a relationship yet, it’s all practical. Telling Razor that he’s seen couples bring each other flowers as a sign of affection, maybe Razor could find some plants to bring you? It ends horribly when he offers you a wolfhook and you just stare at him. He says that these are his feelings towards you but you’re just...so confused?? Wolfhooks have thorns so does that mean he thinks you’re clingy? Isn’t that a bad thing? Are you annoying to him?? But wolfhooks also symbolize wolves so is he saying you’re like family to him??? You’re internally screaming while debating if you just got family-zoned or if Razor is trying to subtly tell you that he doesn’t like you.

Just because Razor is, somehow, unsure if you actually like him or not. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t get incredibly jealous and possessive at any unknown presence. He’s still a bit wary of the City due to all the conflicting smells and noises but he can’t help but look so sad when you have to run errands and you can’t visit him. But when you mention that a really nice knight gifted you a flower does Razor see red. He gave you a flower?? Shouldn’t you be happy with his? Why do you need another one when you have his? Is his gift not good enough? Is this your way of saying you’re interested in someone else? This poor boy is on the verge of either running off to go sulk or find the man that gave you this flower, which up until his knowledge - courtesy of Bennet - is a sign of courting, and absolutely destroy him to prove he’s the better partner.

He tries to keep it under wraps since he's been told that while in the City, he needs to exercise restrain and understand that if he enters. He's expected to at least respect the laws and people. But this poor wolf is so feral over this new development and this new smell that's been clinging onto you that whatever worries and isolation issues Razor felt about the city flies out the window as his protective instincts kick into overdrive. He sees other people and even pets as a rival for your attention and love. He just wants to scoop you up and growl at everything as a message to say “this is mine, go get your own”.

Even when the both of you are far away from the city, Razor’s continued mood seems to hang heavy over both your heads. You’re not sure what exactly caused Razor to be on high alert. He’s snapping and growling at everything little thing that comes close, even a butterfly!

You abruptly stop walking to Razor’s surprise as you whip around and frown at him. He can feel a chill run up his spine as he stands perfectly straight as you study him before you hold your palm out and looked at him expectantly. He looks at your hand with a small spark of perked attention before his nose twitches and he goes back to sulking. You’re still waiting for him as he shuffles a bit, his hair that resembled a wolf ear is twitching, before he whines and trots over and places his chin on your palm. He’s looking up at you with the most kicked puppy expression and you don’t even know what you did but you feel like the worse person in all of Teyvat.

“Razor...what’s gotten into you?” you ask gently as you rub circles into his cheek as he nuzzles into your palm. He seems really conflicted as his eyes dart away from your face and he almost looks guilty. He just whines and turns and buries his face into your warm palm. You’ve never really seen him like that before as you awkwardly try and comfort him. Until the same flower slips out of your pocket and you hear something primal growl out of Razor. His teeth are pulled back and he snarls at the flower as his pupils dilate. You quickly get between him and the poor flower before Razor tries to do anything.

“Seriously Razor, what’s gotten into you?” you asked concerned. He quickly shifts his attention to you as he pounces and knocks you over. You left off a soft noise as the wind get’s knocked out of you but you peep when his hands cage you from above. Razor’s red eyes bore into yours and you’re suddenly thinking the air is getting too hot. 

“Do you like Razor?” he asks, tilting his head in a cute pout. It makes you internally coo before you quickly snap out of it. Stay focused! 

“Of course I do! Remember we talked about this?” you say as you remember back to your previous interactions but this only seems to frustrate Razor more.

“No. Not that like. More...” Razor struggles with his words as he tries to piece together the right string of sounds to try and convey what he’s feeling. He seems so conflicted that it breaks your heart a bit. So you reach up and gently rub behind his ear as he closes his eyes and relaxes. He breathes in deeply as his eyes open and his pupils return to normal, but vastly determined.

“Together. Always. Just...us,” Razor says softly as he looks at you hopefully. There’s a small pink dust to his cheeks as his fang digs into his lip in nervousness. You’re not sure why but your heart absolutely sky rockets at it and you can feel your face flush pink.

“Um, yes?” you nod along, you think you’re understanding what he’s trying to say. Maybe he was just upset you were spending so much time in the City and away from him that he felt your friendship was neglected? That would make you really upset. But the way he phrases his words makes you believe that perhaps...

Before you can think more on it. Razor’s face breaks into a grin that nearly blinds you from the pure affection that sprouts from it. He’s already hugging you harder as he starts rubbing his nose and cheek against your neck. Making soft and happy sounds as he nuzzles you. He’s never done that before but you assume he’s just so happy. You breath a sigh of relief that it appears that your message to him was clear enough.

Yeah of course, friends always, you think

Lupical. Partner. Mate, Razor thinks.

---

whistling as I pretend I don’t see your stares. Yeah ik but it’s ok. This is a sorta semi series. We’ll build upon it. But Xiao content is next lol. I’m taking inspiration from this. I mean, when I don’t feel like shit 😷

I’ve been listening to [  Softy - Dear Moon ]. This isn’t the usual kind of music I listen to but it came on shuffle and this is now my mental breakdown song.

Quick edit: Turns out this is an ost from “My Mister”. I’ve never been into kdramas (I think I’ve only seen goblin, she was pretty, and Hwarang) but the cover picture looks so upsetting? My friend is really into tgcf and I believe that had a live action as well. 

[yourtamaki]

i’m here

ushijima x f!reader

word count: 2k

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, neglect, oral fixation, fingering, unprotected sex, creampie, cockwarming

you never knew what to tell your friends when they asked what wakatoshi was like as a boyfriend. everyone wanted to know how the stoic man acted around his significant other. does he melt when he sees you? they’d ask with hearts in their eyes. does he turn affectionate behind closed doors? you never understood their fascination or why they expected him to be a different person just for you. 

no, that was a lie. you don’t know why you expected him to be different. 

it was coming up on your second year with toshi and you’d been friends throughout your high school years. you knew what he was like before you’d bitten the bullet and asked him on a date. so you had no one but yourself to blame now as you lay alone in your bed that felt far too big, wracking sobs so powerful your whole body trembled from the force. 

a month. that’s how long it’d been since you last felt like toshi was a part of your life. you woke up alone, did the chores alone, made dinner alone and went to bed alone. his absence wasn’t the worst part, much to your surprise. it was the signs of disturbance around your shared home. a used plate in the sink. a new load in the laundry. signs that toshi was there, he just wasn’t there with you. it made you feel all the more empty. 

you didn’t know why your body decided tonight was the night to give out but once the first tears slid down your face, you were helpless to stop the tidal wave of stress and loneliness and utter sadness from escaping. your only solace was how good it felt to finally cry. to get these corrosive feelings out of your system instead of continuing to let them eat away at you the way you had for weeks. 

if only your cries were a bit quieter. maybe you would’ve heard the bedroom door creak open in time to wipe away your tears and feign sleep. 

for a moment, toshi just stared at you, drinking in the details of your face illuminated by the light from the hallway. 

“it’s late.” the deep timber of his voice made you oddly nostalgic. the two of you hadn’t exchanged more than a scarce handful of sentences during this period, all your communication being limited to dry texts. you’d never minded his texting habits, had even found it endearing once. but when the brief, one word answers became your only lifeline to toshi, how could you not feel as though you were only bothering him with every text sent?

when you didn’t respond, toshi carefully closed the door behind him. you didn’t need any light to know exactly what he was doing. he was nothing if not a creature of habit. you could picture him first placing his gym bag in your shared closet then methodically undressing. but instead of heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed, you felt the mattress dip as he sat next to you. 

“you’re crying. why?” he said. you had to stamp down on the urge to reply with sarcasm. if you’ve learned anything from the years you’d spent with toshi it's that he was genuine to a fault. if he was asking you what was wrong, it meant he truly didn’t know. you needed to spell out your feelings for him on more then one occasion but once you did, he would be more than understanding, going above and beyond to rectify the situation. so why did you feel so hesitant to open up now? he could sense your hesitance though he didn’t understand the cause for it, his hand reaching out to find yours in the dark. “i can’t help if you don’t tell me.” 

the dam broke, fresh tears streaming down your face. “toshi i miss you. i know you’re busy but it feels like we’re not even together anymore. i don’t hear from you, i don’t see you and i’m stuck in this house all day. i’m just— ‘m just lonely.” 

your voice trailed off in a whisper quickly swallowed by the silence of the room, only broken by your sniffles. toshi was still as you cried before leaning over to turn the bedside lamp on. the sudden light stung your eyes and when you adjusted, you could see him already gazing down at you. 

“i apologize, y/n.” he kissed the back of both your hands and brought them to his forehead, head bowed. “there is no excuse. my priorities should always include you and they haven’t as of late.”

“it’s ok. i understand you’re busy, toshi i just wish i could see you a little more.” he nodded, lifting his head and his eyes piercing yours.

“i will work to change my behaviour and become a boyfriend more deserving of your love.” 

just like that you remembered why you fell in love with him. others saw toshi as someone incapable of understanding emotions, an apathetic person with only volleyball on his mind. it couldn’t be further from the truth. it was true he had difficulty reading your emotions but as soon as you put them in plain terms, he was there for you in any way you needed. “thank you.” 

“that is for the future. but that doesn’t change that you feel hurt right now. is there anything i can do to ease your pain?” the look in his eyes told you no ask was too large, the single minded focus that made him one of the top volleyball players in the country was now directed solely on you. 

“i just want to be with you.” you crawled into his lap, his arms coming up to hug you close to him. 

“you’ve got me.” he murmured into your ear. “for as long as you’ll have me i’m yours. and i’m sorry i haven’t been here to tell you that.”  

“you’re here now.” 

“i am.” 

“toshi…” it has been so long since you were last in his arms you couldn’t help how needy it was making you, desperate to feel him as close to you as possible. 

“what is it, love?” instead of replying, you rolled your hips against his, kissing his neck. with only his briefs you could feel his bulge harden slightly with the pressure. “if that’s what you want.” 

he lifted you both up off the bed, turning and laying you down carefully. he helped you out of your clothes, leaving you in your plain cotton panties, bra already removed for bed. if you’d known you’d be sleeping with your boyfriend you would’ve worn sexier pieces but judging by toshi’s ravenous expression, it didn’t matter to him. you felt beautiful in his eyes. 

toshi kissed his way down, latching onto one nipple and rolling the other between his fingers before switching over, giving each the attention they deserved. he brought one hand to your face and said, 

“suck.” 

you sucked his fingers into your mouth, glad to finally have something to make you feel full. he watched you, mesmerized by how your lips looked stretched around his fingers. 

“do you know how beautiful you look right now? my y/n. always need something in your mouth, don’t you?” you hummed, mind going blank as all you could do was focus on the slightly salty taste as you licked his fingertips.

once toshi deemed them wet enough, he snaked his hand down into your panties, teasing your entrance before dipping inside. 

“you’re so wet. can you hear yourself?” you could, the wet squelch as he pumped his fingers inside you made your face heat up with embarrassment. it wasn’t your fault nothing came close to how toshi felt inside you. toys, your own hands, nothing compared to what you were feeling now, so stretched with only two of his fingers inside you. they curled inside you, pressing against that spot that had your legs quivering, gripping toshi’s forearm hard. 

“where do you want to cum first, my fingers or my cock?” 

“your cock please toshi wanna feel you.” you begged. a moment later, your panties were pulled off of you. toshi took off his briefs and knelt between your legs, his blunt tip resting over your pussy. he tapped it against your clit a few times, smiling softly at how you jumped at the contact before pushing in slowly, rocking back and forth until his entire length was inside you. 

you expected him to move but he kept still until your eyes met his. he took one of your hands and placed it over your lower stomach, covering it with his own large hand. 

“do you feel that?” he asked quietly. you could, there was a bump there from where toshi was buried inside you. “i’m here.” 

“i know.” 

“i’m here.” he repeated with more emphasis, head lowering until his forehead met yours. “and i’m never leaving you again. okay?” 

an overwhelming tidal wave of love came crashing in, choking you so all you could say was, “okay.” 

why did it take you so long to understand? what toshi didn’t say aloud, he said with his actions. the brush of your clit with his calloused thumb was an apology, the squeeze of your hip a reassurance. toshi spoke his reverence into your skin with every open mouthed kiss on your neck and his worship with each roll of his hip against yours. all you could do was lock your ankles around him and accept the torrent of love he poured into you. 

“kiss me toshi please ‘m gonna cum.” his lips crashed against yours and you were gone, creaming over his cock as it continued to piston in and out of you. 

“does that feel good, love?” he mumbled against your lips. you nodded frantically, still feeling the effects of your high. “tell me what you need.” 

“more please.” your voice came out a whisper. you didn’t care about the overstimulation of your poor cunt. you weren’t ready to let go of this moment, of knowing you have toshi here with you, safe in your own small world together. 

toshi gave you a tender kiss before pulling back. he gripped the back of your thighs and pinned your knees to your chest, your pussy gushing from the new position. his cock was pushing even deeper now, hitting a spot within you that made your tongue loll out at the pleasure. toshi was fucking into you at a brutal pace and you knew he was close by the small grunts he was letting out. 

“hold yourself open for me.” you did as he asked, flushing at how dirty you felt with your pussy so exposed. with his now free hand, toshi placed his fingers back in your mouth. your eyes widened as the taste of your own arousal exploded on your tongue. 

“do you like how you taste?” he asked. you sucked at his fingers greedily, licking them clean and he hummed, “i knew you would.” 

the pressure in your abdomen was steadily building with every pump of toshi’s cock. his fingers were keeping your moans muffled and he seemed to realize he was missing out. he pulled his hand back, small trails of saliva stringing out as he did. he slammed his hips into your as though he was trying to make up for all the sounds he had missed out on and you did not disappoint, babbling praise for the man fucking you senseless. 

“you’re close i can feel it. can you cum with me y/n? can you do that for me?” 

“yes fuck toshi i love you i wanna cum for you.” 

“go ahead, my love. let go.” you threw your head back as you let go and came for the second time, the erratic clenching of your walls pushing toshi over. you held each other through your highs, chests heaving together as you caught your breaths. when he tried to pull out, you tightened your legs around him. 

“stay?” you wanted this moment to last, to be with toshi, connected for as long as you could. he shifted until you were both laying on your side spooned together, careful to not pull out of you. 

“go to sleep, my love.” there were still things you both needed to work on in your relationship but you chose to embrace the peace that was sleeping with the arms of your boyfriend wrapped securely around you. 

[cinnamonest]

//some horrendous gaslighting

I love my stranger-to-noncon very much but I don't give enough attention to consensual relationships taking a turn for the worse, or utterly toxic and abusive boyfriends and Kaeya is the perfect candidate for that so here we go.

-----

I've mentioned before the Kaeya would be exceptionally violent in comparison to other yanderes, but it's important to note that he's also among the most emotionally sensitive, and those two things do not go together well.

Not sensitive outwardly, of course, he's spent years developing that personality of his as a defense mechanism, can easily pretend he doesn't care about anything, but deep down that abandonment complex and those insecurities are strong and easily triggered. Some of the ways it manifests are mild, like how he gets overly attached to you within a week of knowing you, commits and tries to move way too fast even in completely mutual and consensual relationships. The kind of guy that suggests moving in together a week into the relationship, and dropping I love you so early on that you're left to merely blink in surprise because you barely know each other, but under the pressure and awkwardness you find yourself stuttering out a reciprocation, even though it's quite untrue. Guilt-trips and pressures his way into fucking you within a couple of days.

He's a very different person behind closed doors, it comes out maybe a month in when he lets the walls drop and lets himself trust you. He's more vulnerable, sweeter. Oddly... Eager to trust. It's like he desperately wants someone he can latch onto and show some vulnerability around and chose you to be that someone.

But also different in other ways. More... Bitter. More grumpy. More immature.

He's not sensitive in general, he doesn't really care about what most people say or do, but that sensitivity comes out once he's attached to a person, which happens rather quickly. You start noticing it rather quickly in a mutual relationship, and it likely shocks you honestly that he's so... immature. You spend the day with one of your friends -- just one, catch up with them, haven't seen them in a while... and when you get home things are rather quiet. He's usually a very talkative person, so you can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe something bad happened, but he insists no, it's fine. There's nothing wrong. And then you catch the last part, much quieter, spoken under his breath in that lighthearted tone he speaks in, yet with a bitterness to it.

You wouldn't care anyway, you're too busy with your friends.

It takes you by surprise at first because holy shit, really? It seems so petulant that it can't possibly be real, but... Maybe he really did have a bad day and is just getting his anger out by directing it at the first thing he can. That's not right, but hey, everyone has weak moments where they do some bad things. Besides, you weren't there for him, so he feels worse right? Still, you spent every day the past month except this one day with him... No, it's just poor timing, that's all.

Until it happens again. And again. And he swears he likes your friends, smiles at them, but it... Looks forced. Always complaining that you spend so much time with them and completely ignore him. Do you even care? Do you value the relationship at all? You try to not get angry and be rational, but still defend yourself because you spend almost all of your time with him don't you? You can't get much out before he just huffs and stomps away, rolls his eyes (well, you assume he rolls both of them, you can't tell but-- nevermind, not the point) and gives you a cold shoulder. Until you apologize, then it's like the switch has flipped back on, there's love and smiles and warmth and hugs again.

It starts to get on your nerves. You start to wonder if maybe this isn't healthy for you, if maybe you should end things, but you decide to give him another chance, right? We all make mistakes. He's under a lot of stress. Just... It'll be fine.

And the first time it gets physical he swears it's an accident. It leaves an ugly scar. You're going out because come on, it's my family, I haven't seen them in forever.

It just happens, he explains, it's unintentional, emotions get channeled through the vision like that. Comforts you as you sit on the ground crying and clutching your arm that he grabbed as you walked out the door, skin darkened and purplish from the freeze that's seared through a layer of your skin. He sighs and says he's sorry, really, he feels horrible already, so don't get mad, ok? He already feels terrible enough... Don't be mean. He didn't mean it. Don't be mean. Don't be fucking mean about it, stop fucking crying. You're making him feel worse.

He seems genuinely sorry, you tell yourself. It's not his fault. You can't blame him. It's ok.

It's harder to excuse the next time it gets physical. Maybe freezing last time was unintentional, and maybe it hurt, but you weren't terrified like this. A hand around your throat is different.

But can you blame him? You were threatening to leave. Honestly, you weren't approaching it healthily, you weren't trying to actually have a serious talk, you were trying to guilt him and gaslight him and it's honestly emotionally abusive, you know? You're the one in the wrong here. How selfish and cruel. How can you do that and not even feel guilty?

It makes you rethink. It makes you question your own sanity. And it makes you apologize. Makes you say you didn't mean it. You find yourself feeling dizzy, disoriented, like everything isn't real and everything is too much. You try to sleep it off.

And he doesn't like delving into the past. He tries to avoid it. Tries to not think about it. Doesn't even really tell you anything until nearly a year in, a drunken confession of sadness and misery. It makes you feel guilty somehow. Poor thing. He's been through a lot, you tell yourself. Maybe you should be more patient and understanding, help him work through it. You can fix him, per se, can't you? Sure, people say that never works, but... He just needs love, really, it's not like he's that bad.

He hates bringing it up like this even more. It just feels weak and vulnerable but it comes out anyway. You're threatening him again, and honestly, that's a sickening thing to do considering what you know, how can you be so vicious?

You're just like everyone else, aren't you?

You're just going to abandon him like this was nothing. You don't care at all. You're heartless. Ungrateful. He's done so much for you. And this is how you repay him, huh? Disappointing, honestly. He thought you were special. Kind. Understanding. Didn't realize you were just as cruel as everyone else in his life, aren't you?

He just has this way of making you doubt yourself. You pull at your hair and cry. I'm going insane. You keep the thought to yourself, but you fall to your knees and promise you're really sorry this time. He sighs. Fine, he'll give you another chance. He's a patient man. You just need to work on yourself, become a less toxic person.

But apparently that's not enough, and eventually you get dumped.

It comes as a surprise. But he says he's had enough of you being so emotionally manipulative and neglectful. You hardly ever spend time with him (like, only 29 days a month? Unbelievable!). You cry and try to make him feel bad, when the things he does aren't that bad. You always claim to be too tired to fuck. You try to gaslight him into thinking all that's acceptable. It's toxic and abusive, so, he's done.

You find yourself in shock. Confusion. It feels unreal. The first thing you worry about is if you can even find a new boyfriend... Your body is completely littered in freeze-burn scars by now, after all.

Were you really in the wrong? You're not too experienced in relationships, maybe he's right about everything he said... Maybe you really did him wrong...

Which is why you come crawling back. Crying. Apologizing.

Exactly as planned.

So he sighs and agrees. Fine. You can have another chance.

The second time, the third time, he always forgives you and takes you back. Even though you don't deserve it. He just loves you so much, you know? He keeps forgiving you.

Until one day you don't show up.

When you leave that time, you seem almost angry. You don't cry this time. Your hands ball into fists and for once, for the first time, as you storm out, you say--

Fine.

Unusual, but you were always moody like that. Odd choice of words. No matter, it's not like you're actually fine with it, you'll come crawling back any minute now.

It's already been several hours. Why aren't you at his doorstep already? Did he make you feel that bad? Maybe he went too far... You're probably just at home crying or something. You'll come back by tomorrow morning.

You don't.

Ok. Maybe you feel too guilty. Maybe you're reflecting on how awful you've been. That would take some time to get over, since you've done so many bad things. It won't be long before you come back.

A day passes. Two days pass.

What's taking you so long?

He finally swallows his pride. Maybe you're being stubborn. Trying to make him feel bad. Yeah, that's something you'd do. Or maybe you're trying to make him feel all alone, take advantage of the one thing you know bothers him. How mean. But he loves you. You know that. So you'll appreciate it when he checks on you, apologizes for maybe going too far, and he really loves you, he loves you so much, so how about you two just go home and forget this ever happened and have lots and lots of makeup sex and cuddle? And then you can tell him you're sorry and love him too and promise to stay forever? He's already got the speech practiced a few times in his head walking over to your place, the one you haven't really lived in for a while now since he demanded you basically move in with him. All your clothes and stuff are at his place now. You would have taken that with you if you ever actually intended to leave, so clearly this is a ploy to get him to come to you, as if that wasn't already obvious.

Your eyes narrow when you open the door and your face contorts with anger. And you snarl that you've had enough. He wants you gone so much, fine, you're more than happy to oblige, you say. You're done. You don't even need your shit, keep it, you'd rather lose your stuff than set foot in that place again. You finally came to your senses and you're fucking done.

You say nasty things. You say he made your life a living hell and you're happy to be rid of him.

And then you say something worse. Something that sets something deep inside off. Something that feels like a stab to the gut.

You say if you'd known the truth about him you would have kicked him out a long time ago.

Maybe it's not about the same thing. Not meant the same way. But it feels too familiar nonetheless.

You see him freeze up. He just stands still for a moment. Not saying anything. Face blank and empty. His eye twitches.

You couldn't care less. Besides, you already have a new boyfriend, one that's nice to you, you tell him with a prideful spite in your voice. One that doesn't have fucking issues. You're not a therapist, you say, and you tell him to figure out his problems on his own, and you slam the door in his face.

Or, you try to. He catches the door before it can close with one hand. Grabs your arm with the other.

For once he doesn't say anything, not until you make him. Just grabs you, drags you down the street by your shirt. It nearly chokes you, but you manage to start to scream. He slams your back into the nearest building, grabs your shoulders and says to shut the fuck up or I'll break your fucking arms. You go wide eyed and scared tears run down you're face. You're scaring me, you plead. Let me go.

But he doesn't. You figure maybe you can talk sense into him when you get there. You don't realize how far gone he is, you don't think that this might be the last time you set foot outside, the last time you see the sun not through a window. You don't think any of the things you'll wish you had down the road.

You've had rough sex before. Not quite like this, though. You can't breathe. You kick and wheeze and cry and claw at the hand around your throat and desperately gasp for what little air you can get in. He only lets go when you black out, lets you take a few breaths, then does it again. You're still so tight. New boyfriend must not have measured up, huh. It's raw and dry and it hurts. You whimper and you cry and you finally apologize like you should have days ago.

And yet, most importantly, you cum. See? You love him. So say it. Say it already. Come on. You do, you stutter, it's quiet and scared, but he smiles nonetheless.

It's ok. He knows you're sorry. He knows you didn't mean those awful things you said. You would never actually abandon him. You're different. Different. Special. Not like everyone else. You won't leave. You won't just leave him somewhere and disappear, you won't die out of nowhere, you won't kick him aside and leave him alone, you're the only person who won't. Different. That's why he loves you so much. You would never do any of that.

You just need help. You're so emotional, you're really not emotionally stable. Controlled by your wildly changing emotions. They make you say things you don't mean. Do things you don't really intend to do. Things you'll just regret if he didn't intervene and help you.

They make you vulnerable to other people. You're so easily controlled. You believe what they want you to believe. And that's dangerous. That could lead you to try to leave again. That's why you have to be helped. Kept away from becoming victim to your own impulses. The only way to do that is keeping you locked away. You'll come to understand with time. Appreciate it. Thank him.

You'll appreciate it because you're different. You'll never leave. You would never leave him even if you had the opportunity.

But maybe it's for the best that you don't have that opportunity to begin with.

[yeojaa]

feed me, fight me.

pairing.  boxer!jjk x f!reader.  rating.  explicit.  tags.  relationship issues, baby angst, comfort, unprotected sex (please be responsible!).  wc. 3.5k.  beta reader.  @hobi-gif​, always.  💖  author note.  i’m really into comfort fics rn so... 

What do you get when you mix a pissed off girlfriend with a neglectful boyfriend?  (Aside from trouble, that is.)

The answer is you - throwing punches far harder than you should be, completely disregarding the fact that you’re meant to be playing the part of perfect partner, meeting pads in the sequence he’s laid out.  It’s you throwing a hook when you should be swinging an uppercut.  It’s you, snapping your leg out with a satisfying thunk! of your shin when you should only be thip kicking.  It’s you, not giving a single damn as you take out all your frustrations on someone who’s growing increasingly more irritated by your childishness.  It’s you, blatantly disrespecting him in his ring - sending a reminder that there’s more to life than the four corners of this space. 

How can he blame you though, when he’s the reason?  When you’ve voiced your annoyance more than once - more than twice, more times than you care to count - and each time it’s met with a half-hearted apology (if you could even call it that)?  How can he hold it against you when you’ve asked, demanded, pleaded for more? 

“Cut it out,”  he seethes, quiet, under his breath, irritation igniting his expression, something hot and angry burning in the dark of his stare.  A withering wildfire in an empty field, smoldering coals flickering bright.  It presents itself in how his mouth curls, the hard line of his jaw as bone threatens to snap in half from the tension. 

“Cut what out?”  Your retort is punctuated by the smack of leather on leather, the worn edge of your boxing glove meeting the pad that Jungkook raises just in time to avoid a black eye. 

“What’s your problem?”  How he manages to snipe back - somehow sounding disgruntled by your behaviour - you’re not sure.  All you know is it boils your blood, searing heat within your veins when he effortlessly blocks your next jab.  He knows you well and knows the sport better, predicting each movement as if you’re telegraphing it all with a giant neon sign on your forehead. 

(You probably are.  You’ve never been good at hiding your emotions, pinning your heart on your sleeve, your sadness heavy in your mouth.  They wear you, rather than you it.  A weakness of yours.)

“You’re my problem.” 

“Shut up.”  It’s not the usual exasperated annoyance he levels you with, meaner and paired with a swat of your gloved hand.  He’s not supposed to be countering you, instead only blocking the punches you throw his way. 

(But then again - when did he ever listen to you?  When did he ever do what he was supposed to?)

(It’s not a fair assertion.  You’re just mad.  Livid beyond belief, standing atop this hill that you’ll happily die on.)

“Fuck you,”  you snap, offering the petulant comeback in the same instance you surge forward.  He blocks your jab - sees it coming from a mile away - and goes to block your hook. 

Except it never comes, your knee straightening out instead, hard edge of your shin slamming right into the side of his leg. 

He crumples more out of surprise than anything, eyes wide, all the anger swept away by something closer to astonishment.  It shines impossibly bright in his eyes, turning his entire expression upside down when his knee hits the ground.  By how he falls, you’re sure you’ve hit just the right spot, left his nerve endings buzzing uncomfortably as the feeling leaves the limb. 

“Are you serious?”  You know he’s genuinely baffled then, voice slipping, cracking in a way you’d normally find adorable.  (It goes to show how upset you are, the awkward split of his words doing nothing to soothe your temper.)  “What’s your issue?”  He’s still seated on the floor, rocking back on his heels, brow knit in consternation.  It’d take him seconds to jump up - to put you on your ass - but he chooses to remain where he is, staring up at you with that look on his face.

(That look you love.  That you hate.  That makes your insides turn to goo on his best days and misery on your worst.  That you’ve seen every single day for the last three years, as the first thing upon waking up and the last thing before passing out.  That makes you hesitate now, peering down into it.)

(Were you being unnecessary?  Unbearable?  Was this on you?)

“I’m going home.”  It’d be nice to tear your gloves off, throw them in his face and storm off in a huff.  It’d cause the scene you’re hoping for, push him to where you need.  (Because that’s the thing about Jungkook - he doesn’t react otherwise and you’re sick of it.)  Instead, you turn on your heel and slink away, silent as a mouse.  

You’re tired.  Too tired.  Why had you started something you couldn’t finish?

It shouldn’t surprise you that you’re home alone for hours that night, curled up in bed and half-asleep when light from the hallway spills into your bedroom.  It comes with hardly any noise, a tell-tale sign he’s trying not to wake you (or disturb you or get caught).  You almost let it slide when his figure appears in the doorway, broad frame swallowed up by the oversized sweater he wears.

He’s moving near silently, having already deposited his gym bag in the laundry room.  He doesn’t even switch the light on, moving around in the muted glow of the hallway, fumbling as he strips his clothes off and tosses them into the hamper against the wall. 

You expect him to head directly into the en suite, wash away whatever grime he’s accumulated throughout the day.  He’s always been this way, far too concerned with dragging in odour and dirt into your bed to do otherwise.

Except tonight, he doesn’t follow his usual routine.  Tonight, he makes a detour.

The bed dips before you realise what’s happening, grip on the pillow under your head tightening.  Words fit between your teeth, ready to spill out, lash out, tear out like a bullet deadset on landing a bullseye. 

“I’m sorry.”  Two words you’ve been waiting to hear, that startle you enough to throw your anger out the window, tossing them out with the wash.  “I don’t know why you’re upset but I’m sorry for whatever it is.”  He’s speaking into the quiet of your bedroom.  You can feel his hand settled on the bed, wrist somewhere over the line of your spine.  

Oh - he thinks you’re asleep.

“Things have been crazy.  I’ve been stressed.”  Here, under cover of night, he’s vulnerable, explanation tumbling forth uncertainly.  You can hear it in the way the words form, syllables slipping into each other - a sure sign of his exhaustion.  “I know that’s not an excuse, so I’ll be better.”  Though he readjusts, weight distributing differently over the bed, he isn’t touching you.  You can only imagine how he looks, the posture he’s taken on, arms leant over knees, hands twisting together in that way of his that begs a silent help me.  A version of him you’ve seen only a handful of times.  

(Jeon Jungkook does not let things get to him.  Never has, likely never will.  He’s immaculately put together, strung tight by years of growing up too fast, wanting too much and fearing it’ll slip away.  He goes and goes until he can’t any more and only then does he still, crashing headlong over a cliff of his own creation.)

It’s then that you realise while you’ve grown irritated with his preoccupation, coming second to the man you’ve only ever put first, he’s been suffering right alongside you.  Differently, certainly, but suffering nonetheless.  Holding his cards close as he’s always done, shouldering all the things on his own and hoping for the best.

Irritation flares first.  Anger at the fact that he hadn’t confided in you.  It burns bright, erodes everything else in its path.

And then it dims almost immediately, overshadowed by a tenderness that blooms in the small of your chest.  Rosebuds that fill the cavity and swath affection in broad strokes, colouring everything purple - a pretty mosaic made up of equal parts love and sadness.

“You should’ve said something.”  

Bambi-eyed baby is your nickname for your boyfriend - one he reluctantly wears, scowls at when you use it in public - and yet you’re still blown away by the glossiness of his stare, how wide it goes when you roll to face him, simultaneously flicking your bedside light on.  There’s embarrassment crowding his expression, lighting up every handsome facet of his features in technicolour.  He works to hide it almost immediately, moves back on the bed as if he might find himself a home in the shadows.

“I thought you were sleeping,”  he mumbles, not quite looking at you, stare focused on your pillow case, the white linen that you’d bought when you’d moved in together.  “Did I wake you up?”

Though his concern is real, you know it’s a distraction too.  His way of deflecting, shifting the focus back to you.  

(Jeon Jungkook doesn’t live in the spotlight.  Hates it, in fact.  It’s a curious combination - wanting to be praised, to show off, and yet fearing failure so strongly.  A worrying mix when he’s down and an endearing one when he’s up.)

You’re still cocooned, still held far enough away that he hasn’t run for the hills, locking himself in the bathroom to put a further physical barrier between you.  Should you move too fast, you know he’ll spook.  Push too hard, he’ll leave.  

“Couldn’t sleep without you.”  It’s true enough.  Dreams had evaded you for the better part of the evening, held somewhere by hands inked like his, blemished by scars and calluses like his. They’d been kept in his coat pocket, tucked behind his ear.  (So maybe it’d been anger, too, that’d kept you up.  That doesn’t matter now.)

The disbelief is evident, both in his words and the quirk of his mouth, bathed in dim light.  “Really?”

(You sometimes wonder how different the two of you see things.  What a day looks like from his point of view - whether he reads all of your interactions in the same way.  You’ve always been terribly incompatible in that way, opposites in so many respects that it’d frankly baffled your friends when you’d started dating.

You were intent - sometimes too intent - on resolving problems, never letting up.  Forcing conversations you felt you needed to have, demanding answers even before there was one.  He, on the other hand, was uncomfortable with conflict, choosing to ignore the things that bothered him until they went away.  It’d driven you absolutely insane at first, made you worry that it was you that was the issue, simply being too much.  

But over time - three long years, to be exact - you’d found a common ground.  Or so you’d thought.)

“Why are you so surprised?”  

“You were pissed earlier.”  There’s a lightness to his tone, careful consideration poured into each word he offers, as if he’s navigating a minefield.  You’ve had these kinds of disagreements too many times for him to believe otherwise, as if his caution is a part of him, stitched lovingly - forcefully - by your hand.  “Thought you wouldn’t wait up for me.”  

“I shouldn’t have,”  you retort before you can help it, still just a little childish, a little hurt.  “But you know I hate going to bed angry.”  Of course he knows.  He’s lost hours of sleep due to your insistence that everything be talked out. 

He hums a noncommittal sound - more of a grunt - and you know your window is closing.  Now that you’re not out for blood, he’s retreating as he always does.  Readying himself to rise from the bed, close this half-read chapter and move onto the next. 

You beat him before he can, curling your fingers around his wrist, over the dangling silver chain.  (His birthday gift this year, heavy metal that’s cold under your touch.)  

“Don’t.”

One blink.  Another.  Slow and confused - deliberately so.  Then he’s looking away, staring down at the ground as if you haven’t just read his next move.  The ring might be his domain but home is yours;  it’s the one place you hold the upper hand.  “What?”  

“Don’t leave.”  It’s easy to read the meaning in between your words, the unspoken request that might as well be brilliant red ink.  It’s far kinder than your usual demands, more pleading than begrudging, more need than want.  

“I need to shower.”  

It’s not a no - which you suppose is a win. 

“Just wait.”  Your request comes with an adjustment, whole tired frame rising from the bed only to sink back down - this time against your partner, your other half, your infuriating love.  He accepts you readily, dropping his ink-strewn hand over your covered thigh.  The weight is comforting over the warmth of the duvet, grounding you in the quiet of your home.

“I’m gross,”  he complains, though he doesn’t make to move away.  Stays right by your side when you drop your head against his bare shoulder.  “Now you’re gross.”

“We can be gross together.”  Because you’re not ready for him to leave you, to close the door as he so often does.  (And, for once, you’re not quite as angry, not seeking an argument that’ll give you the resolution you hope for.  You want communication, open and honest.  You want him, vulnerable and soft.)

A little sigh comes, a puff of breath that expands his doughy cheeks and sends wayward strands fluttering.  It’s less resigned and more endeared - you know how much it means when his acquiesces like this.  

Maybe he wants those same things, you think.  

“Do you wanna shower?”  You ask in perfect tandem, words folding together.  You nod in the same way.

Encased in the small space - it’s different.  He’s preoccupied, back turned to you, shielding you from the slow-heating stream.  It’s as if his mind is a thousand lightyears away, trapped somewhere with the stars as the water rains down around the two of you, fogging the glass and wetting his hair. 

“Babe?”  

There’s a delay before he reacts, peering over his shoulder at you, a faraway look in his eyes.  You wonder what he’d been thinking of, whether he’s still on the same page as you or if he’s skipped ahead as he tends to do.  When he speaks, you have your answer, his words flicking through paper to bring you two where you need to be.  

“Can you wash my hair?”  An indulgent treat he rarely requests, one he seldom allows.  He’s far too on the go, jumping from this to that to spend much time like this with you. 

It’s a sign if there ever was one. 

You reach for your shampoo bottle wordlessly, popping the cap and depositing sweet peach-scented liquid into your hands.  They fold into his strands carefully, tips of your fingers pressing into his scalp, delightful bubbles accumulating between your digits.  He doesn’t make a sound but you feel the way he relaxes, practically melting into your touch as you work the cleanser through his roots, careful to keep the suds from descending into his eyes. 

When was the last time you’d done this?  Weeks ago?  Months, maybe?  You honestly can’t recall.  (Not that it matters now.  You’ve found yourselves back here, terribly tender and intimate in the dead of night.  Almost as if no time has passed at all.)

Silence stretches between the two of you.  You don’t even need to instruct him to rinse, running seamlessly through the routine without hesitation. 

Conditioner replaces shampoo, deft fingers combing through the few knots in his feather soft strands.  Though there are hardly any, you know he loves when you take extra care, treating him in ways he’d never ask for otherwise.  He savours these quiet moments of almost-solitude, spoiled rotten by your familiar touch and comforting affection.  

You’d give it every single day if you could.  Had, in fact. 

That’s what’d brought you here, after all. 

“‘m sorry,”  he says - mumbles really - surprising you as you’re working your fingers into the nape of his neck, concentrating on the tension that’s carved out a home beneath muscle and sinew, turned bone iron-clad. 

“For what?” 

Any other time, it might’ve come across demanding, needing an answer that would soothe whatever inadequacy he’d somehow strung your heart up with.  Now, it’s genuine, asked more for him than you.  

You want to be let in.  Need it. 

“Being out of it, I guess.”  It’s a lot for him - admitting this.  “I’ve just been busy and I guess I kind of just—“  The imposing line of his shoulders rise and fall, a mountain range disturbed by the uncertainty in his voice.  

“Forgot about me?”  You don’t mean it meanly.  It’s a simple statement of fact, one the both of you have to face. 

“Yeah.  Something like that.”

You deliberate accepting the apology and moving on, sweeping it under the rug because he’s already come so much further than you’d thought he would.  But that’s not the kind of person you are, so you press just a little more, stand just a little taller. 

“I don’t think I ask for the world, Kook.”  Maybe more than some people.  Maybe less than others.  “If I’m being too much, I’d rather you let me know than shut me out.”

A sigh comes, so heavy you wonder whether he might be Atlas, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  

“No, I know.”  

“Do you?”

(At some point you’d stopped massaging the conditioner in, opting to crowd your hands over his back, working into the knots that run beneath his skin.  He hadn’t been lying - he’s stiff as a board, entire broad form twitching any time you press the pads of your thumbs into a particularly sensitive spot.)

“I thought I’d figure it out myself,”  he reasons, in that oh-so impossible Jeon Jungkook way of his.  “Didn't realise it was taking a toll on you.” 

“On us,”  you correct, not at all tactful.  

“On us,”  he agrees with another sigh, smaller this time, tinged blue with something that feels like guilt and fills up the glass space. 

“We’re a team, you know.” 

(You know he knows.  You just have to remind him sometimes, anchor him with the knowledge that it’s not him against the world.  That you’re in his corner - always.)

“I know.” 

When he turns to look at you - doesn’t even flinch when the sudden movement has you wobbling on your feet, catches you when you stumble - you don’t doubt that.  He loves you just as much as you love him, sees the whole world in the small of your stare.  

“I’m sorry,”  he says again, two hands coming to cradle your face, palms warm over each cheek.  “Just give me some time.”  For what, you’re not sure.  You don’t mind waiting to find out though - willing to weather the storm just to see him happy.  

Jungkook holds you close, threads his fingers through yours and peppers love into the silk of your hair.  Dresses your skin in the heat of his affection and sears his signature into the velvet of your skin, teeth dragging, tongue gliding.  

“Is this better?”  He means how he holds you, how he treats you like porcelain as he fucks you slow and tender, keeps one leg hooked back over his own. 

It’s not that this is the kind of lovemaking you prefer but rather the one you need, with him consuming you wholly, sweetly, filling you with each fluid roll of his hips and nothing else.  No elaborate dirty talk, no overzealous bouncing, just the two of you together, curled against each other like you might not survive otherwise.  

He’s not pushing you to your finish with deft fingers over your clit, not taking his fill with greedy hands.  He’s simply there, with you, feeling every curve of your body as he sinks into your aching cunt and sighs as if he’s in heaven.  (And maybe he is - because where he is could only ever be where you are and you feel like you’re floating, weightless and lovestruck, anchored only to your bed by the hand that squeezes yours and the mouth that purrs your name.) 

“Yes,”  you breathe, exhale in a breath that seems to take all of your effort.  It’s hard to focus when he splits you open so well, fills your pussy and your heart and makes your chest erupt with a kaleidoscope of butterflies. 

“I love you, sweetheart.”

When he says it like that - folds it like a promise and tucks it into the spot behind your ear - you know it’s true.  Even if you don’t always feel it, even if he doesn’t always show it, there’s not a doubt in your mind. 

In all the ways he can, he loves you.  And whether that means enough from one day to the next, you don’t mind sticking around to find out.  Not if it means more of this. 

(Of him, of you, of your life together.)

tag list.  @neverthefirstchoice @youwannabelostandnotbefound @snackhobi @codeinebelle

[bibbykins]

Vulnerable in The Dead of Night (M)

I wrote this QUICK, so if it’s bad, I’m so sorry, but I just wanted to get this out ASAP, so I hope you like it! Also, pls feel free to give me your thoughts or ask any questions, I love to answer them!

NOTE: This is part of The Household’s Bunny series, which I recommend you read before this bc otherwise, it may not make sense.

Summary: Taehyung finds himself consumed with self-loathing and crushing loneliness. You find Taehyung standing alone in the kitchen late at night, happy to see him again for the first time in weeks. The usually playful and flirty man is left with his feelings when faced with you in the dead of night.

Genre: Soft Yandere! Taehyung x Chubby! Reader

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: 18+, soft yandere tendencies, obsessive/possessive thoughts, crying, loneliness, self-loathing, abandonment issue, adopted person feeling unworthy of love, kissing, hickeys, cunnilingus, precum, blowjob, swallowing, dom/sub dynamics, dirty talk, this is a yandere fic so unhealthy relationships are throughout this series

Taehyung felt like he was losing his mind, and maybe he was. What could he be doing wrong? How can you not know how he feels? How can Jimin get his point across better than him? 

Do you not like him?

His pacing in the kitchen ceased at this thought. 

No.

Surely, no. You liked him, right? You told him you did.

Although, that was before he and Namjoon had basically disappeared from your life these last two weeks. Is he that replaceable? 

The nagging insecurity of his childhood crept up. Flashes of tears, isolation, and craving for love tugged at his mind. He shook his head. He wasn't a 6 year old watching his father leave him. He wasn't a 14 year old in a foster home. He just wasn't that 17 year old in a new home, trying to adapt. That wasn't him anymore. Taehyung was loved now, by many. So why not by you? 

He blew out a shaky breath before finishing his glass of room temperature water. He was still dressed in his suit, having just gotten home from the final session of the blasted weeks-long project that kept him from you. His tie was more suffocating than ever but could not find a reason he deserved to undo it.

Too enraptured in his own thoughts, he didn't hear the soft pad of slippers downstairs or the tiny pants of regaining your breath from the nine flights you just went down in the dead of night, "Tae?" Your breathy voice sliced through the chaos in his mind and he let out a breathy chuckle, thinking he was going insane, hallucinating your voice.

Truly, he felt useless. He felt sub-human. He felt every piece of shit adult who turned his back on him must be justified if this was the best he could do. If a smokescreen of lovability with no love was his peak. If being alone with only hallucinations was the closest he could get to companionship-

He nearly choked on his water when he felt arms wrap tightly around his midsection, "Tae, you're home!" Your voice cleared the cloud of self-loathing and he looked down to see your half manicured nails, most of the polish chipped off. He slowly placed his hands on yours and was relieved to find you weren't a hallucination, "I missed you." He could feel your mouth moving against his suit jacket as you squeezed him a bit harder.

He let his eyes close as he relished in the feeling of you nuzzling into him, missing him. 

Worried when he said nothing, you moved to detach yourself but he held your hands firmly, "Tae?" You questioned only for him to hum lightly.

"I missed you so much, little lamb." His voice was soft, the softest you'd ever heard it as his thumb stroked your palm, "I didn't know you missed me." His voice held a fondness you had never heard from him before. Usually, his tone was light and playful but now, he was almost melancholic.

Did he genuinely feel that way? The panic of one of the men you found yourself falling for each day thinking you didn't like him as much as you did take over and you moved for you both to face each other. Tae merely blinked before you were in front of him, hands holding his face, not searching in his eyes but looking to express something with yours, "Of course I missed you." You pouted, "You all mean the world to me." 

He searched for any sign of a lie. He'd seen it time and time again from people in the entertainment industry, but with you, it was nothing but pure honesty, "Little lamb." He commanded your attention even though he already had it as you let your hands settle on each of his shoulders, "You mean that?" 

"I would never lie to you." You didn't miss a beat before looking at him further, realizing he is not acting like he usually does, "Are you okay?" You asked lightly, eyes traveling over his form, hands working to undo his tie as you've done before when he asked you to help him, "Oh gosh, that must feel so suffocating this late at night." You mumbled and undid two of his top buttons. He grabbed your hands as you worked at the second button, making you look up.

"Do you wanna know how I feel, baby?" He asked, eyes a little darker now as he drank in your form, wearing a mere long shirt that reached the middle of your thighs with no shorts in sight. You nodded and his grip on you tightened but wasn't painful, "Jealous." He rasped and you looked up, confused, "Jealous that you don't cum for me or crave me like you do everyone else." His voice was strained despite neglecting Namjoon's own lack of experience with you.

You blinked, "I mean if you want sex, that's okay." He let go of your hands, one of his hands moving to grip your hip as the other cupped your face, stroking your cheek with his thumb, "But you know that sex is just that, I mean, I like closeness and it makes me feel good, so I do it. But I also know that being sexually attracted to me doesn't mean you want me as your partner- oh!" He cut you off by pressing you roughly against the wall, his hand now cradling the back of your head to prevent you from getting hurt.

His gaze burned into you and you averted your eyes but the hand behind your head went to grip your chin, forcing your gaze to meet his own, and what a fierce gaze it was, "Who made you think that?" He snapped and continued when you struggled to respond, "Who convinced you that you're not just as worthy of pleasure as you are intimacy? Love? Companionship?" 

You were dumbstruck. Part of you wanted to ask how long he had because you had a list. You remembered every person who made you feel that way whereas they surely forgot you moments after you either did or didn't succumb to their desires. Instead, your eyes began to water, "Why are you…?" You forced out, blinking back your tears, "I don't...I don't understand." You shook your head.

"I don't want to fuck you so bad just because you're the sexiest woman I've ever seen." Your breath hitched and your mind couldn't properly process his words, "I crave you." He breathed, leaning down, "I've been agonizing over how to come to terms with the fact that I feel so fucking strongly for someone who has no obligation to feel the same." Before you could even respond, he placed his mouth on yours in a bruising kiss.

You responded immediately, trying your best to convey your feelings in this sloppy kiss, tongues intertwined as you needily moaned when his hand wrapped your leg around him, but he didn't grind into you, he just pulled your closer. The kissing lessened in urgency and increased in passion as he gripped you with a near bruising force, "Tae…" You groaned into his mouth and found yourself nearly crying. You held him closer and he squeezed you to him.

"Yes, baby?" He moved to kiss lightly at the corner of your mouth, mouth moving to. kiss at your tears. He didn't need to ask you why you were crying. He knew. He felt it too. He felt the relief that came with being held close, being kissed, and is wanted as much as another wants you.

"Do you mean it?" You asked, crying more now, "You…"

"I feel so strongly for you." He affirmed and you shook your head, having a hard time believing him, "And that's so frightening because you could just leave and I..." He breathed shakily, head tucked into your neck, "I don't know how everyone else is holding it together when I know they feel the same-"

"I do too." You had to say it before you wouldn't, "All of you, I do." You sniffled, "But I can't find a reason why you guys would feel anything for me too." Your voice was breaking and he just crushed you to him further, "And I don't know if they feel that way, and-" You cried further, "I-I need to go to bed, I need to-" You tried to pull away from his crushing embrace to no avail. 

You whined a bit at this. Your mind was scattered, and you didn't know what to do. There was so much going on yet nothing going on at all. You received a confession and so did he and yet, everything felt so complicated. The doubt of anyone wanting to be with you strangled your very being and made you want to stay in your room and never think about it again. Live alone in mediocrity and loneliness.

"Promise me you're not scared." His words were demanding but his tone was pleading, "I...I know it's a lot and I know I never act like this, but just, don't avoid it, don't avoid me." He sniffled and you relaxed, "The fact of the matter is, we feel the same about each other, the rest will come in time." He was regaining his composure and slowly you began to calm down. He was right. It was just you and him. Everyone else is at bay, they will get their time. You don't have to wake everyone up to know their feelings. You have time, "I know Jimin said his piece to you too, and we're not going anywhere, so please, don't go." His voice was stable again as he tucked in the scared and lonely little boy that haunts him sometimes and set his mind straight.

You nodded against him, honest and understanding of his words. You were nervous, sure, but only time would tell. If you run, you break your heart. But if you stay, you could either get your heart broken or get everything you want. It's a risk that you don't know how to calculate, but it's a risk you're willing to take. Maybe Taehyung is right and everyone feels the same about you in a way you could only dream. Just maybe.

He lets you go and you look at him, flawless as ever. His face was minorly red, tears minuscule and long gone by now, "We should go to bed." You murmured as Taehyung reached up to wipe away the stray tears on your cheeks and he nodded. 

He held your hand as he pressed the elevator button, lightly scolding you for taking nine flights of stairs in slippers with no traction, "Wow, you tell me you tell me you like me and now I'm getting chewed out." You giggled, the feeling of someone fussing over your safety was quite refreshing.

He looked at you incredulously, "If you fell or hurt yourself, all hell would break loose." He chided and you hummed.

You broke out into a goofy smile, "You like me." You giggled and the man next to you gave you a side-eyed glare before giving up on containing his own smile.

"Yeah well," He paused for a moment, smiling to himself, "You like me back." He chuckled and you felt your face heat up. 

He squeezed your hand and you watched the floors tick up to your own, "Tae?"

"Yes?" He asked, noticing your voice got quieter, more unsure. 

"Do you have anything to do tomorrow or do you want to stay with me tonight?" You forced out, nervous he would say no. 

Little did you see, he broke out into a cheerful smile and thanked his lucky stars before responding coolly, "I'd be honored to stay with you tonight." 

The elevator dinged just in time and you held his hand all the way to your bedroom before finally standing to face him. You studied his face for the nth time tonight. He was still beautiful each time and the moonlight only further deified his beauty further, "You're all so beautiful." You mused, reaching up to place a soft kiss on his lips.

"And all yours." He breathed.

You scoffed, "Sounds impossible." 

"Start believing, my darling." His voice was as smooth and deep as ever and you looked into his eyes and found an emotion you'd never seen before. 

Maybe you could do this. Maybe Taehyung was right and all 7 of them felt the same. Maybe you were deserving of sex and love.

And quite possibly it was your own resignation of maybe of the whole situation that made you reach up and push his suit jacket off of his shoulders. Confused, he still shrugged off the jacket, letting it fall to the floor. You reached up and began undoing the third button on his shirt. With more of his chest exposed you reached your hands up and feel the exposed skin of his chest softly, "Baby, what are you- fuck!" You cut him off, leaning up to suck onto his neck harshly before licking the spot. Your breath hit his neck, "You have got to be careful or I may not be able to control myself." You merely smiled before licking a stripe along the column of his throat and you could feel the vibration of his groan against your tongue before kissing along his jaw, "I don't want you to think I just confessed to you so I could come up here and-" He cut himself off with a strangled growl as you shifted your leg up for your thigh to brush against his erection.

"I like how cumming feels knowing you're still going to like me the next day." You spoke honestly and Taehyung wanted to find every person who didn't make you feel that way, "Unless you don't want to do anything, which is fine." You nuzzled into his neck, "I just, want to be close to you in more ways than one." 

He pulled back to look at you properly and found no doubt in your eyes. With Jimin, sexual acts had been a show of emotions. Now that you thought about it, even what happened with Yoongi and Jin felt like something different than what you were used to. In each sexual encounter, there was a level of care, making it feel so alien. Even with Jungkook and Hoseok, there was something there that you didn't know, intimacy. And yet, it felt so good.

Nevertheless, he asked, "Are you sure?" You nodded and he smiled, head dipping down to kiss you deeply. You continued your work on the buttons of his shirt while your tongues felt each other. Your hands went to his belt, undoing the Italian leather before you pulled away from his mouth and began kissing down his neck and his hands intertwined with your hair, "Baby, you don't have to make me cum." He breathed and you sucked at his neck to protest.

"I want to feel you in my mouth." You whined, hand reaching into the pants you unbuttoned to grip his dick over his briefs, "Please?" 

He nodded, eyes heavy, unsure how he could ever say no to you in the first place, "On the bed though, I don’t want you to hurt your knees." His voice was soft and you giggled at his wholesome request but nodded anyway.

You sat on the bed as he rid himself of his mostly taken-off clothing. You both tangled into each other as he kissed while he laid over you on your bed. You lightly pushed him to flip over so you were on top of him, legs straddling his hips. His hands glided over your thighs, squishing the skin gleefully as you continued peppering kissing down his chest, pressing your core into his bare erection, making you let out a needy moan, “You’re so hard.” You whispered, mouth sliding down his body.

Before you knew it, you reached his dick and of course, it was pretty. You wrapped your hands around the base and he sucked in a breath through his teeth before you licked at the precum at the tip before taking as much of him as you could in your mouth and he let out the most delicious grunt,” So good to me, my little lamb.” He praised you in a gravelly voice and you felt yourself get wetter as his hands curled into your hair, “Fuck, just like that.” He groaned as you hollowed your cheeks and sucked him further. The dark room was filled with sounds of you drooling all over his erection as he praised you and was very vocal with his pleasure. The praise made you moan against his dick in delight, “My little lamb likes to be praised, huh?” He cooed, voice strained and breath heavy as you nodded, never letting his length escape your lips, “So perfect for me, aren’t you?” You hummed in delight as he threw his head back, fingers tensing in your hair as he did his best to not pull it or push your head down. However, determined to please, you guided his hand to push you further, nodding to let him know it was okay. He was gentle as he guided your head, his other hand intertwining with yours as a sweet gesture. You bobbed rhythmically and you could hear his noises becoming less and less controlled, “Fuck, I’m getting close.” He warned and you responded with a strong suck that made his hips lift off the bed, “Where do you want me to cum?” He asked urgently and you answered by looking up at him through your lashes with a look way too innocent for someone about to drink down his cum. It was that look that sent him over the edge and you felt him cum in your mouth. You drank him dry before letting his dick go with a resounding pop.

“Did I do well?” You asked and, his hand still in your hair, pulled you to him as he nodded before planting a sweet kiss on your lips.

“Perfect, baby, perfect.” He was breathless but still intent on kissing you deeply as he sat up, hands going to your thighs to grip the hem of your shirt, “Can I taste you, little lamb?” He asked and you nodded.

“Please.” You whined as he kissed your throat, going over the hickeys you had from the other me in the house, all of them mostly faded except for the one Jimin gave you. He lifted the shirt, only detaching from marking you to strip you of your clothing. He laid you down as he slipped your panties off, groaning at how you were glistening.

“You this wet for me, sweetheart?” He spoke huskily and you hummed desperately as his finger slid from your clit to your drenched hole slowly, “I really wanted to go slow, but fuck,” His finger slid in with little resistance much to his delight, “You’re just so ready for me, aren’t you?” You nodded, panting as his finger fucked slowly into you and he raised a brow, expecting you to be verbal.

“Yes, yes, I’m ready Sir, please.” You gasped out, fighting the urge to wiggle your hips as you confirmed with the honorific you trusted him enough to give yourself fully.

“Just because you’ve been so sweet to me,” He leaned down, breath fanning over your drenched core, “I won’t make you beg this time.” He kissed your clit, making you twitch before his tongue licked a stripe from your clenching hole to your clit, making you gasp, “You taste so fucking good, no wonder Jin and Yoongi were so smug for days.” He rasped and felt you clench around him further, “Oh?” He chuckled darkly as his tongue flicked your clit, “You like when I talk about the others? You wish they were here watching you squirm around my finger?” You writhed in delight as he slid another finger in, “You wish they were here helping me get you off so pretty, holding you down so you’ll be still like a good girl?” He teased you and it only soaked his fingers and tongue further as he slurped you intently. Taehyung had been waiting what felt like his whole life to have you come apart in his clutch and feel your sweet cum on his tongue.

He tasted you intently, fucking into you a little quicker as he let you squirm around him. He would be lenient and kind this time around, because of both of your desperations and tearful confessions. There was so much to feel and so much to taste, and he just wanted to have you crumble in his clutch. You were well on your way to be his, theirs, and he would be yours in return. He wanted to channel his hunger for you as he moaned into your pussy. You were already getting off by making him cum and now, you were unsure how long you would last if he kept flexing his tongue and running it over your clit as he curled his fingers in your cunt, hitting a particularly sensitive spot that made your back arch off the bed.

He murmured dirty and sweet nothings into your pussy as you clutched the sheets with a death grip, doing your best to not push his head into your core. You wanted him to have total control over your body and pleasure in this moment, “You’re getting close.” He cooed teasingly and you nodded, spurring him to take his fingers out.

You cried out as he chuckled, sucking your juices from the two fingers, “Please, I wanna cum, please, please!” You whimpered, pushing your hips up as he let his fingers go from his mouth.

“Shit, you’re so fucking cute.” He groaned, hands pinning your hips to the bed as you squirmed, “I’ll make you cum, baby, don’t worry.” He kissed at your clit, eliciting a desperate cry, “You just have to be really good for me and cum while I fuck you with my tongue.” He licked at your hole as you nodded eagerly, “Can you be good for me and do that?” His voice was dripping with lust.

“Yes, Sir, I can, I will, please!” You babbled, having been so close to cumming just moments ago.

You calling him Sir made his teasing nature disappear as he slid his tongue into you with a groan on his end and with you nearly screaming as he fucked into you. He moved inside of you as your walls fluttered, slowly clenching more and more as you could feel your high coming. It was when his hand went to rub quick circles onto your clit that you came with a strangled moan.

His tongue fucked you through your high and he only pulled away when your back settled back onto the bed and you were trying to catch your breath. He kissed your stomach before going to put on his briefs as he slid your panties back on. He hovered over you, placing a quick kiss on your mouth as you wrapped your arms around him, humming in bliss, “You’re such a good girl.” You keened at his praise as he placed a kiss on your cheek before rolling over to pull you in his arms, holding you tight.

“Now you get to be smug.”You giggled tiredly, eyes closing as you listened to his heartbeat.  

He chuckled, equally tired as he kissed the crown of your head, “I already am.” He mused, “Goodnight, little lamb.” His voice was soft and sweet as you could only muster another blissful hum.

Now, you were starting to understand what was so different about all of your sexual, or near-sexual, interactions with almost everyone. It was the emotion in it. 

You’ve had people say they liked you, get what they want, and then never see you again. However, the guys, barring Tae and Jimin, hadn’t said they liked you, but they tried to communicate it. They held you close, they stayed to cuddle with you after. There was care in the way they touched your body and it was liberating. It was frightening, the idea of getting used to something that could just go away one day, but nevertheless, you let your consciousness fade, knowing he would be there tomorrow morning.

Tip Jar

[bubble-tea-bunny]

dive into you

[bennett x reader]

author’s note: lil fic for bestest boy benny inspired by the song by nct dream and the summer season :’)

word count: 3,600

There’s a bakery opposite of Angel’s Share, just across the cobblestone road, and every morning the smell of freshly baked bread wafts from its open double doors, ready to welcome patrons and the crisp air of the early hours. Bennett has easily fallen into the routine of making this his first stop of the day. When he wakes, eyes slow to open and greeted by little squares of light on the ceiling of his bedroom from the sunlight shining through the window, he swears he can already smell that bread and the pastries and the care put into each one. He doesn’t often find it in him to be lazy, to be sluggish this early, for a new day was a new promise of adventure, and whether he’s swept along by the wind to the wilds or to the bakery, it’s an adventure all the same.

He always picks out food for his dads. He considers carefully what they might like to have (some prefer to have the same each time, others don’t mind the variety and like to be surprised), and carefully, slowly he fills the tray. Usually it isn’t busy during the time he’s there, but he doesn’t want to take risks as he holds it securely with both hands whenever he’s perusing the selection. Even if there were no people to bump into, with his luck, he might bump into one of the displays in the middle of the shop instead, consequence of paying more attention to the shelves against the wall where there are loaves baked into fun shapes like fish or crabs, rather than to what’s in front of him. He’d hate to drop everything on his tray and waste it.

Sometimes the bakery keeps the doors closed, and while uncommon, it’s nothing unusual. On these occasions, the entry of each customer is announced by the small bell jingling just overhead. It’s the only sound in the shop, ringing several times in the past ten minutes but it’s mere background noise, easily ignored, as Bennett absorbs himself in choosing what to buy today.

“Good morning!”

Bennett’s hand freezes just above a loaf of bread that looks like a bear and he glances behind him to the counter because the sound of your bubbly voice, conversely, is much more difficult to ignore. Though to be fair, to him, you’re no mere background noise.

You’re carrying a basket of more loaves just taken from the oven, half of them regularly shaped into circles and the other half like turtles, and grin at the customers who have just walked in. He watches you make your way over to a shelf several feet away from him to arrange the bread, and he stares long enough that you’ve taken notice. Your smile is bright and reaches your eyes, and he’s embarrassed to have been caught. His cheeks grow warm and you can probably see the dusting of red across his face, a speculation which doesn’t help alleviate this embarrassment one bit.

“Good morning, Bennett,” you greet him, more quietly since he’s closer.

He likes when you say his name, and it never fails to make his heart skip a beat and he stutters out an O-Oh, um… as if surprised that you’re talking to him, much less that you know who he is. It shouldn’t take him off guard that you know, considering how often he comes to the bakery, so he supposes it has more to do with the fact that he can’t believe his name should be spoken by a voice as gentle as yours, honeyed tones like the softly plucked notes of the Holy Lyre der Himmel.

Finally he musters an equally quiet Good morning in response, smiling back but he’s certain it looks more like a cringe, owed to his nerves. If it does, you don’t point it out, and simply return to your task. Only when another patron comes up to Bennett’s other side, muttering a pardon as they grab a loaf from the shelf he’s standing in front of, does he break his gaze from you. His hand that had been hovering above the bread that whole time he drops back down to his side, and he scoots to make room with another stutter and a sorry.

You’re back behind the counter when Bennett is ready to pay. The pile of bread, cake slices, sandwiches, and other miscellaneous pastries had in the past led you to ask him if these were snacks for the road, for you’d guessed him to be an adventurer doing commissions for the guild by the sword at his side. He’d chuckled and explained his actual purpose for buying as much as he did, and your grin had widened, and if he wasn’t imagining things, you’d been extra careful when packing every treat.

I’m sure they’ll really appreciate your gesture, you’d said. That’s sweet of you. And it’s not frequently that events in the course of his life run smoothly, but that day they had, and with no falter in his words he remarks it’s thanks to you, for you’re the reason there’s anything to bring back to his dads in the first place. You’d laughed and his chest tightened and he thinks that’s the point where he started to fall (to where, he hesitated to state exactly). But in any case, it was true—without you, there was no bakery filled to the brim with delicious food, and if he had anything to say about that, Mondstadt would be worse off for it.

This morning, Bennett is digging around his wallet for the appropriate amount of Mora while you pack what he’d picked out. Having gone through this process many times prior, he knows approximately how much it should cost.

“Ah—”

A few coins slip from his hand and clatter to the wooden floor, and he bends to pick them up. But on the way down, his head knocks into the tray that he neglected to push all the way onto the countertop, so part of it still stuck out. You blink in surprise at the jostling of the tray and his subsequent Ouch!, muffled because he’s obscured by the counter.

“Are you okay?” You sound genuinely worried, but to Bennett the accident had been no big deal. At least none of the food had fallen.

“Yeah,” he assures you. He’s still trying to gather up the stray Mora, fingers failing to get a proper grip on them and he huffs in slight exasperation. His face once more is burning from the embarrassment of being so clumsy. He’s clumsy around everyone, and it’s something he has long since come to accept, but it matters a lot more when it’s you.

Finally he stands back up, the money clutched in his fist victoriously. “Yeah!” he repeats now that you can hear him clearly. “It’s no big deal.”

For a second you don’t quite believe him, but it’s hard to argue with that smile on his face. There’s no pain he’s trying to hide (embarrassment, on the other hand, is a different issue entirely).

Upon handing him his package you tell him you’ll see him tomorrow and he feels sort of special because you don’t say it to anyone else. To others, you say Thank you, come again! but you know his routine and you know to expect him at the same time each morning. Judging by the look in your eyes and the sound of your voice when you see and greet him, you anticipate his visit every time, and his heart wants to soar out from the confines of his chest upon this realization and he is exhilarated. The wind and the new day have fulfilled their promise of an adventure, and the clock hasn’t even struck noon.

One day you’re a little distracted, focused on a paper in your hand as Bennett approaches the counter with his tray of baked goods. For the most part, your face gives nothing away, but then your brows furrow slightly, a subtle action he doesn’t miss, and he proceeds to ask if anything is wrong. He asks it kindly, keeps his tone neutral, wordlessly conveying that you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. He would hate to pry.

You purse your lips, pausing like you’re caught between saying yes and no. He waits patiently for whichever one it might be.

“I ran out of sugar and had been meaning to make more,” you start, opting to share with him what’s been troubling you.“I bought out Flora’s stock of sweet flowers but it wasn’t enough, so I may have to set aside time to pick more myself later.”

The mention of heading outside of the city makes Bennett perk up, for he never turns down a chance to go exploring. He’s about to offer to do it for you, but it’s the thought of possibly going with you instead that makes him hold back and rephrase his question.

“This afternoon?” he inquires, head tilting. You nod, and up until now he’d felt confident in the offer he was going to present, but then his nerves get the better of him and it doesn’t come out quite the way he was hoping. “I-I could go with you! You know, if you want! To protect you… Just in case…” He trails off and he wants to go hide in a hole. There are few other ways this could have gone worse.

You don’t answer right away, and he regrets having said anything at all, but your beautiful smile soon follows the silence and it sets his mind at ease, and you agree with a concise and cheery Sure! Well, at least the worst way this could have gone had not come to pass. It was the small victories for Bennett—just as important as the big ones. The next challenge would be to avoid making a fool of himself out there, in what should be his natural element; he does want to impress you. But that’s a big ask for someone like him…

Both of you agree to meet at the front gate in the late afternoon. By then, the traffic in the bakery is slow enough that you’re able to step away earlier than the normal closing time. You’ve changed into clothes more appropriate for walking around: in lieu of a dress, your typical work attire, you sport a tunic and trousers you don’t mind dirtying. The trousers are tailored to fit properly but the tunic is a tad big, the sleeves a bit too long, but Bennett thinks you look cute in it. A basket hangs on your forearm and you wave as you walk up to him.

“I hope you haven’t been waiting too long,” you say.

Bennett shakes his head. “Not long at all.” Technically the agreed upon meeting time was only five minutes ago, so you aren’t very late. Though he does refrain from sharing that he’d arrived early, in fear that he could end up late somehow and you would be the one who had to wait. Really, it’s been more like fifteen minutes for him, but he just keeps quiet about that.

One of the nice things about summer is that the sun sets later. There’s still a sufficient amount of light to illuminate the fields as you walk around in search of sweet flowers. At first, the extent of your conversation is discussing where you might be able to find a high concentration of them, then silence filled with the sifting of grass beneath your shoes and the occasional exclamation of having spotted a flower to be picked and tucked away in your basket.

Honestly, walking with you around the wilds of Mondstadt hadn’t been anywhere on Bennett’s list to do today, or any day really, not until he could muster the courage to invite you out like this, and who knew when that might be. Your need for sweet flowers had dropped the opportunity right into his lap, and thankfully he hadn’t squandered it. But now he’s at a loss as to what to talk about; he didn’t think he’d ever get this far.

Maybe you sense his struggle to come up with a topic of conversation because you’re the one to speak up, asking about his adventures and the commissions he takes. Done anything exciting recently?

Bennett’s eyes light up, a reaction which you can't help but smile at, and he regales you of the goings-on of his latest missions. He omits the instances where his clumsiness had made things more difficult (of which there were many), but each story is still truthful. Most of his commissions the past month hadn’t been anything too bold—after a mission that involved nearly getting himself trapped in a ruin due to solving a puzzle wrong then getting food poisoning on top of that from the snack he’d prepped that day, he’s been choosing jobs that he knows he’s more capable of.

To him, they aren’t too exciting, and in the larger scope of things, perhaps they aren’t, but you don’t seem to think that as you hang on each word. You’re absorbed in his story about trying to dismantle towers in a hilichurl camp, and gasp at the mention of their reinforcements coming to attack in the midst of it. Wow, you remark after he finishes his recounting of the event. You’re amazing, Bennett!

His heart does a flip again at the sound of his name and he shrugs offhandedly. He’s not inclined to think so, but your awed comment is sincere and has him reconsidering: yeah, that was pretty cool of him, wasn’t it? For all his clumsiness, he doesn’t often see the feats for what they are, accompanied by blunders or not, but you’re the fresh perspective he’d been missing, and he wishes you’d stepped into his life sooner.

The entirety of your outing together has thus far been free of any monsters, but as soon as Bennett makes this observation it’s like the universe has heard: hydro slimes suddenly pop out from the ground, halting you in your tracks. You squeak in surprise and Bennett is quick to shift into a fighting stance, knees slightly bent and one arm out in front of you protectively.

“Just stay there!” he instructs before drawing his sword and rushing forward.

Luckily there aren’t many slimes to fight off, and they aren’t very big. His sword cuts through them easily, cleanly. They burst and spray water upon being sliced apart, so at the end, when they’re all dead, the only evidence they had been there to begin with is the slight dampness to his clothes and the squish of dirt turned to mud. With a sigh of triumph, Bennett resumes a relaxed stance, then sheathes his weapon and turns to you.

As instructed, you’ve stayed in place, but it seems to have been more out of being frozen in fear than anything else. You’re clutching your basket close, and once the slimes are gone, you follow Bennett’s lead and relax, shoulders releasing the tension they had been filled with for the duration of that fight. You let out a deep exhale of relief, hand placed over your heart which has yet to slow back down to its normal pace.

“Thank you.”

Bennett flashes a toothy grin and waves his hand as if to say It’s not a problem. “That’s what I’m here for isn’t it?”

You smile back. “I’m glad we went together.”

Together. He likes the sound of that. He thinks to himself that he’d go with you to other places too; you need only to give the word. To the edge of this world, and through a portal to the next? He’d meet you by the front gate at dawn.

He’s surprised that the encounter with those slimes had gone as smoothly as it had. It isn’t uncommon for him to get hit a few times, bruises quick to form on his arms or his legs. And it’s quite the run of luck, of which he’s ordinarily in short supply, that he should get through a fight with nary a scratch on him while with you. His efforts to impress are actually succeeding.

However, this is another case of speaking too soon, because he starts to walk back to you, but then his foot gets caught on a rock concealed by the tall grass, and he tumbles to the ground.

“Oof!”

His chest collides with the earth as he lands with a thud and the breath is stolen from his lungs. You gasp and close the gap between you, and in viewing you in his peripherals, he notes that you are much more graceful at it.

“Are you all right?”

Bracing his hands on the dirt, small bits of rock digging into his palms, Bennett pushes himself up to sit on his knees. “Yeah, I’m okay!” Here he thought he had handled himself perfectly well, but then just like that, his clumsiness returned, and once more before you he is awkward, blundering Bennett.

Unlike the incident at the bakery when he’d bumped his head into the tray, this fall had actually hurt, and he can’t hide it successfully, a slight wince of pain crossing his face in spite of his smile. Even if you hadn’t caught on to that, the injuries elsewhere on his body give it away completely.

“Your arms are all scraped up…” After Bennett stands back up, you gingerly take hold of his forearm and angle it to examine the scrapes there, thin red lines from tiny stones tearing the skin.

Your grip is light, like you’re scared to injure him further, and Bennett is thankful for the darkness that is setting in as the sun disappears and the moon begins its trek across the sky, for it conceals the way his cheeks redden to be this close to you, to be touched by you. The concern in your gaze as you look at his arm makes his chest squeeze but not in the good way, and he bends his knees slightly to duck into your line of view.

“Don’t worry! I’m fine.” And it’s true. He’s sustained worse, though he steers clear of sharing this part. He doesn’t like to see you worried.

He straightens up when you finally meet his eyes and dons his smile again, easy and reassuring. It seems to convince you, as you nod and let go. He drops his arm back down to his side but he’s already missing the feather-light sensation of your fingertips. Successfully reassured, your smile also returns, replacing the thin line of worry that your lips had previously been set in.

It’s dark now but the air is still warm, a consequence of the season. In the daytime the heat is more extreme, made even more so by the fire curling from the edge of his sword. At the conclusion of whatever commission he has taken, he’s left sweating, satisfied but exhausted. Missions in the summer are more difficult to get through, the sun beating down with little mercy and its heat lingering into the night, but he thinks that if he were to have you there with him, he’d hardly notice.

Your delicate gaze is the cool ocean breeze and your soft smile the deluge of waves washing over him, a force he receives gladly because he is falling into you, deeper into the expanse of your heart. He’s diving into the sea, the unbearable heat of summer long forgotten as he makes his way to the bottom. What he hopes to find he isn’t sure, but he’d be content to remain there forever, consumed by you and all the love you have to offer.

“Okay?” he asks, voice soft. You had nodded but he also wants verbal confirmation that you won’t burden yourself with worry anymore.

You catch on to his own need for reassurance, and he wants to sink into the refreshing fondness of your eyes as you watch him. “Okay.”

The moon up above illuminates your face, and he wants to run his fingers along all the parts it touches: the line of your cheekbones, the bridge of your nose, the cupid’s bow of your lips. He yearns to be closer to you than that moonlight adorning your skin, and maybe it’s strange that he should be envious of it, of that light which has the privilege to hold you so near, but the feelings he has for you are what’s written about in books, and in those stories, people do tend to do strange things.

In the morning, he stops by the bakery as usual but this time is surprised when you set a cake down alongside the other baked goods he buys. You answer his question before he can voice it.

“For yesterday,” you state simply. “For my hero.”

Your—?

“I think ‘hero’ is too strong a word for it,” Bennett replies, chuckling quietly and rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. After all, they had just been slimes.

You hum noncommittally, corner of your mouth lifted in a grin. “Maybe, but yesterday you were mine. So please take this as thanks.”

He’d like to be yours every day, and the thought of how nice that would be makes his whole world just a little brighter, like the crystal butterflies fluttering around him in the wild on the warm summer nights; and he hopes that the next adventure the wind guides him on leads straight back to you.

[earthlyyan]

Little Trainee (Platonic(?)Yan! Childe x Reader)

For @bye-bye-sunbird (thanks again for your help) Warnings: Abuse, Graphic descriptions of violence, Implied Torture, Eye Trauma, Unhealthy Sibling relationships, Childe being a sadist, Kidnapping? If you squint? Imprisonment? Betrayal 

Word Count: 3084

________________________________________________________________

He was gone.

Tartaglia held his younger brother’s fur-lined cap in his calloused hands, bringing it close to his chest. He’d taken off without it, wanting to be as far away from the killer that was his big brother so badly, he’d neglected to dress for the cold.

Despite his best efforts, Tartaglia had been unable to find him, and though tempted, he had refused to get the Fatui involved. It would further remind Teucer that his brother’s job was a terrifying one, too dark for the mind of a child to fully grasp. A child’s mind would never truly grasp why he had to kill, only that he had taken the life of another. And how that was an unforgivable sin.

He’d requested a day off work to prevent him from making any rash decisions on duty. He’d spent the day wandering aimlessly, desperately trying to gather his thoughts. He’d found himself in the familiar shambles of Dunyu Ruins. Perhaps he’d take out his frustrations on some ruin guards, or at least he’d considered it, until he saw you.

*

In and out and in and out.

Your sword found its way into the ruin guards eye again and again. It had been dead after the first thirteen stabs, but you didn’t care.

Your thrusts were becoming harder to maintain, your shallow breaths and sore arms halting your rage filled pursuit. Your legs straddled its large, heavy body, thick vines restrained its arms and legs.

It killed him. It killed your brother. The laser sliced his body while simultaneously cauterizing the wound, leaving him in two, unable to bleed. His face still frozen in that of agonizing pain.

It was going to kill you as well until a blinding green light appeared before you; a dendro vision.

You didn’t know how you did it, but now it was dead, and the gift of the archons laid on the ground before you. You hated it.

A gift of the gods, what a fucking joke.

You choked back the urge to vomit at the rancid scent before removing your sword from the gaping glass wound.

You kicked the hunk of metal as hard as you could before losing your balance and falling back onto the ground.

A man stood there; a couple years older than you. You’d fallen right at his feet.

He wordlessly helped you up off the ground before clearing his throat, as if to clear the air with it.

“You know, I’ve never seen someone receive a vision before.” His voice was light and airy. “I had been walking when it’s light blinded me. I regret not showing up sooner.”

You refused to look at the strange man, his words not registering. Your mind was too busy trying to process what had just happened.

“Hey,” His voice was louder, shaking you from your stunned stupor. He held out a handkerchief from his pocket. “You should probably get out of—”

“He’s dead.”

The man’s brow furrowed. “I’m sorry?”

“That thing killed him. He’s dead.” Your words were empty. You contemplated if you should be feeling anything else other than thinly veiled anger and disgust. You should’ve been sadder. The only thing you had felt at the time of you mindlessly stabbing the guard was desperation for your own survival, and fear that it would get up again. You were revolted at the sight of the corpse before you, but you weren’t terribly torn up about the death in itself. And that disgusted you.

Anyone else would’ve been. Anyone would’ve been devastated if they had watched their own kin get cut in two. But no, you were more worried about what you’d tell your mother.

You walked over to the remains of your brother and poked it with your foot, your blatant disrespect for the dead caught the man off guard. Your gut did flips in your stomach at the gruesome sight.

“You don’t seem too upset about it.” He seemed to lack the same feeling of fear at the sight of a corpse. You didn’t quite know how to feel about that. “Though, you don’t seem like you’ve got the guts to orchestrate it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He laughed. “The way you kept stabbing the poor ruin guard made me think it was self-defense, and that the death was an accident. But the fact that you’re not devastated at his death made me wonder that you did it intentionally.”

“And if it was?” “Then I think I’d applaud your ambition.”

*

The man introduced himself as Childe, a member of the Snezhnayan organization called the Fatui. He claimed to be a warrior of sorts, and that he had gone to Dunyu Ruins to take out some frustrations he had one some ruin guards. He then had stumbled across you stabbing a lifeless robot corpse.

He had treated you to lunch in Liyue, saying that leaving you to stew in your thoughts after witnessing something of that caliber was ill-advised.

“What were you doing in Dunyu Ruins?”

“My brother wanted to do something there. He wouldn’t tell me what it was.” You mumbled.

“And the sword?”

“The sword I have with me was the one he was carrying, but when his torso disconnected from his legs, his scabbard landed close to me. So I thought I might as well use it.” You stirred your soup with your spoon, not having much of an appetite.

“So why did he have the sword?”

“Archons know.” You sighed. “If I’m being frank, I think he was going to kill me.”

Childe lowered his tigerfish from his mouth. A light laugh left his lips, startling you. “What makes you think that?”

“I was father’s favorite, though I am the younger of the two of us. So when he found out he had left the inheritance to me instead of his eldest son, he thought it unfair.” You reluctantly brought the spoon to your lips and swallowed. “We had never gotten along; I was like a punching bag than his younger sibling.”

“And I suppose that’s why you’re not crying and mourning the loss?” His voice was mocking.

“Well, would you?”

Childe hummed. “I’m not sure, family is family, but…” his voice lowered into an inaudible mumble, pondering.

He was silent for a moment. He took a few bites of his grilled tigerfish. His eyes wandered to the scabbard at your hip. “You don’t know how to fight.”

“What? Where did this come from?” He hadn’t even finished his thought from before.

“The way you were holding the sword as you used it to kill the ruin guard was way off. Had you kept going, you could’ve gotten hurt. If you had held it properly you could still be stabbing it now. If you didn’t get that vision when you did, it could’ve killed you with how poorly you were handling yourself.”

“That’s the whole point of getting bestowed a vision. Saving you when you’re on the brink of death or something like that.” You shoved your spoon in your mouth again.

“Yes, true.” He sighed and set down the now empty skewer. “But if you hadn’t gotten it you would’ve ended up like—” “Okay jeez I get it!” You grumbled around the metal in your mouth. “What are you getting at?”

“Luckily for you, I’m quite skilled at the sword.” His chest puffed in pride. “And it’s not like you’re going to go home with half a brother in tow, yes?”

“So you want to train me? What good does that do you?” “I’ve always wanted to train someone in a weapon.” He smiled, though there was a tinge of sadness in his voice. Like he was looking forward to it before the invitation presented itself. “And now, I can.”

*

You were on the ground again, some shallow, superficial cuts littered your body, Childe’s blade inches from your throat.

“You left yourself open again. I told you this weeks ago and yet you can’t get it.” A disappointed sigh escaped his lips as he pinged the bridge of his nose. “Hunch, keep your legs apart, again.”

Some part of you wondered if Childe got off on hearing your groans and hisses when he slashed you. Something about the way he bounced on his legs and the way his grin seemed more genuine had you worried.

You slowly got yourself off the ground, your bones and muscles creaking in protest as you readied your brother’s blade again.

“If you’re sore it means its working.” His laugh echoed as he lunged himself at you again, leaving you a moment notice to swerve out of the way. “If you weren’t sore before it means you were doing it wrong.” He dodged an oncoming attack from your sword and swept your legs, leaving you on the floor again. Yup, he was definitely getting off on this.

*

Three months under Childe’s tutelage toned your body significantly. He seemed to be more eager to fight you these days. Saying that you were finally getting fun to fight or something like that.

“Despite your form issues in the beginning, you’re practically a natural.” He beamed as he extended a hand to you. “Fighting you is actually fun these days, and less boring.”

“It was boring before?” You were borderline insulted.

“Fighting against you was boring. Seeing you grow and mature as a fighter was interesting.”

“Uh huh.” You wiped the sweat from your brow. “Sure.”

He’d been gracious enough to let you room at his house. And for someone of his age, it was quite impressive for him to have one of this stature. You had your own room across the hall from his. He only had two rules when staying with him.

One: The lower levels were off limits. No matter what. He said that it had to do with his work, and that it would be unprofessional of him to allow someone to interfere.

Two: Don’t ask about his work.

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t curious about it. Sometimes he’d leave for days on end and come back beat up, other times you’d hear noises from the lower levels.

They sounded like screams.

You wondered what he’d have to do for a living to hear such noises from below. Sometimes he’d go down for hours and come up itching for a fight with you, other times he’d leave satisfied and covered in blood. You’d wondered if it was his own.

Something about it didn’t sit right with you, but a fight with Childe was not one you wanted to engage in. He’d know all your moves, considering he’d been the one to teach them to you. Whenever you’d try to bring it up, you’d be shut down with an uncharacteristic coldness from him. One that barely used, only when he was talking about his work, that is.

But tonight the screams were louder. They reached your room in the depths of the night, even with the door closed and pillows blocking your ears. You had to know.

You were sick of being left in the dark here, you were sick of hearing those screams from downstairs. You had to know.

Were you training under a serial killer? Childe didn’t seem like the type, or was he?

The strange amount of pleasure he’d get when watching you get hurt by his hand. The ruthless way he’d slaughter hillichurls and treasure hoarders alike. No matter who or what it was, its death was no different to Childe. It seemed to light him ablaze, having him itching for a fight with anything that moved, and when it stopped moving, he’d be disappointed.

 The screams had died down after a few hours. You had to wait until you heard his boots go back upstairs and into the room across the hall.

You had to be more quiet if you were going to get in and out of there before he noticed you.

After these escapades he would take a shower, the running water would be enough to cover your footsteps going down the hall, truly.

A minute after the shower started running you made your move. It was easy to pick out what door led to the basement, due to the sheer amount of deadbolts and locks keeping it closed. He’d left the key in the door, probably to stop whoever was in the basement from looking through the keyhole. Smart move for him when it came to living alone, but with company, it was practically begging to be used.

And use it you did. Deadbolt after deadbolt, you finally turned the key.

The basement was warm and sweet smelling. But not in the pleasant way sweets were supposed to smell.

It made your stomach ache and twist as you descended the staircase, closing the door behind you.

The clinking of chains got your attention before the sight of blood had. The lights had flickered on, illuminating the sight before you. You couldn’t hold back your vomit anymore.

Your suspicions were right, or so it seemed, with the sheer amount of bodies below. One was still living, trembling, and hunching away from you. “Did Childe do this?” You knew the answer but had to be sure. Perhaps it was an associate he worked with, or some weird fetish.

The man nodded, “I didn’t have enough money.”

“What?”

“To pay back the Northland Bank.” He stammered. “I couldn’t pay them back, so they sent him.”

“He’s a debt collector?”

The man shook his head. “No. He doesn’t care about collecting the debt, not like the others.”

There were others?

“He gets sent in after the warning deadlines are up. You pay with your—”

The man abruptly stopped, looking past you and onto the stairwell. Then he couldn’t see at all.

An arrow flew past you, barely grazing your ear before finding itself in the mans eye socket. He slumped to the ground, lifeless. You whizzed around to meet the source, only to find Childe, an arrow drawn taught in the bow you’d barely see leave his side.

“Well that’s disappointing.” He sighed. “I was hoping to make him last another day.” He grimaced. “That was a warning shot, by the way.” He walked down the stairs slowly, still aiming at you. “Put your back to the wall.”

He almost sounded sad. You were too shocked to move.

An arrow landed at your feet, standing straight up against the ground. “I said ­put your back to the wall. That wasn’t a suggestion.”

You tripped over the man’s corpse while making it to the wall. “Childe I—” “Nope, too late for that. Hands up.” He slowly lowered his weapon and made a show of putting it away. He wanted you to know he still had it. He leaned in close to your face. “Now that’s a look I haven’t seen in quite some time.” His voice was low, husky. “Betrayal looks so good on you.”

You could feel his hot breath on your neck. You growled and threw your head forward, colliding with his. He took a step back.

Blood ran down from his forehead, his eyes practically glowing with excitement. “Oh hoh~ Now that’s what I’m talking about. A real fight from you.” He drew hydro blades from his sides and threw one at you. “I’m expecting improvement from you, my little trainee.”

You picked up the cool blade from your feet, never breaking eye-contact with him. “I’ll kill you.”

“You better hope you do. For your sake, at least.” You lunged at him, swiftly finding your way behind him, ready to strike.

“Your stance has gotten better.” He smiled. “But I’m afraid it still leaves you open” He kicked off from the ground and into the air, his foot collided with your chin sending you reeling.

“You bastard.” You hissed, picking yourself off from the ground with the steadiness of a newborn deer. “Why not be more quiet about your escapades down here? If you’d had your victims quiet down, I would’ve never found about what you were doing.”

“I never said I never wanted you to find out what I was doing.” He ran at you again, slicing your shirt and your left shoulder along with it. “I was hoping you’d have enough faith in your teacher to follow my rules.” He sighed. “I didn’t take you for the curious type.”

“I’m not.” You said, you swept at his leg, but he narrowly escaped, jumping just high enough to miss it. “But I enjoy liking to sleep in peace knowing my upperclassmen isn’t a serial killer.”

“I’m no serial killer!” He laughed, landing a cut to your lower back, then stepping hard on it. You fell to the ground trapped under his heel. “I’m simply following orders. I have nothing against these people.” He pressed harder.

You suppressed a scream.

“I do have a problem with those who interfere. You were going to help him, weren’t you?”

You’d be lying if you said you were going to leave him to die.

“Weren’t you?” His voice was closer to your ear this go round.

“Yes! Yes, I was!” You sobbed. “I just wanted to—”

“I’ve heard this before. Suddenly you have the moral upright to save a dying stranger? But you sat back and kicked your brother’s corpse?”

“That was different!” “Sure it was. A man is a man is a man, yeah?” His foot lifted from your back and turned you onto your stomach. “See the difference between me and a serial killer, is that if I was a serial killer, I probably would kill you right now.” He sighed. “But see, I like you. So I think I’ll let you live. Though don’t expect things to go back to normal. I can’t expect you to stay quiet and continue your training in the open alongside me.” He leaned you up against the wall, easily fighting against your protests. He took your wrists and cuffed them to the wall.

The restraints were still warm.

You shuddered.

“See, here’s the thing.” He said. He cupped your cheek with his spare hand. “I don’t want to leave you the way you are, half trained. I do enjoy fighting you.” He finished tying you upright and smiled, admiring his handiwork. “I’ll let you go under one condition.”

For the first time since you’d met him, his smile finally reached his eyes.

“You’re free if you can kill me.”

[we-love-imagines]

hi i don’t know if you’re taking requests right now, but based on your recent post about rohan and his stand and jotaro’s dating hcs, is there anyway that we could see a dating headcanons with rohan? please and thank you!

Of course my dear! Head Cannons are way faster to write than one-shots so I tried to get this one out quick for you! :)

Rohan Dating Hcs

~Rohan is certainly the type to scoff at his own feelings and set them aside, so he really has to like you to ask you out. He doesn’t fall fast either, preferring to date people he’s known for a while and letting his feelings grow over time. However, when he does finally acknowledge his feelings for you, he’ll embrace them in stride. He’ll be trying to impress you and show off his best self at every opportunity. As you two get closer and become an official couple, he’ll loosen up a bit, but your first few dates are very expensive and flashy.

~You become his sole confidant. If you thought Rohan was mean, his private thoughts are a whole lot meaner; after a long day out on the town, he’ll return to you with loads of gossip and sassy comments about his friends. Especially Josuke. He really feels like he can be his true self around you, and can rant and rave about whatever is on his mind with little judgement. You put him at ease.

~If you’re in a relationship with Rohan, you definitely influence his art in one way or another. While he’d enjoy it if you modeled for him- Hell, he’d probably use your likeness for a Pink Dark Boy character if you were okay with it- he’d also respect it if you didn’t want to. However, he’ll sketch you regardless. It may be that you’re always so close, or how the warm feelings he gets from you inspires him, but he can’t help but draw out your face from time to time. He loves seeing how flustered you get when he shows you the finished product. Of course, these would never be published without your permission, but part of him secretly wishes to. It’s some of his best work!

~If you’re an artist, I pray for you. He loves your art, of course, but he’s not one to hold back constructive criticism. While he’ll try to be nice about it, he can come off rather blunt and sound harsh. He’s also a bit of a backseat artist; if he sees you sketching, he’ll watch over your shoulder and critique as you go. It can get rather annoying at times, but at least his advice comes from a genuine desire to see you improve rather than malice. 

~Strangely, he’ll want to move pretty fast with you. With his extremely busy schedule, part of him knows the only real way for him to spend any substantial time with you is if you move in. So, if you’re up for it, expect to be moving your stuff into his house pretty early on in the relationship. To both your surprise and his, he really enjoys cute little domestic things: getting matching mugs, making dinner together, movie-night cuddles on the couch. Though, his undisputed favorite moment of domestic bliss is waking up next to you every morning, kissing your forehead while you sleep before he starts his day.

~He claims to not be one for lovey-dovey stuff like pet names or excessive kisses, but you can certainly convince him otherwise. While he is strictly against PDA, in private he can be very sweet. While he’ll usually call you by your name, you can squeeze out a “Dear” or “Darling” if he’s feeling especially affectionate. Rarely will he initiate affection unprompted, but on a good day, he’ll hug you from behind as you cook something and place chaste kisses to the side of your face. If you catch him on a very good day, he’ll shower you with all the love he can muster. 

~Despite that last point, he eats up your praise and affection like he’s a starved man. You can never do anything just once- if you kiss him while leaving for work, he’ll demand another. If you give him a hug before turning over in bed, he’ll insist you two cuddle. Don’t even get me started on compliments! Any off-handed praise you give him results in a, “Really? You mean that?” egging you on for more. Of course, he’ll act like he’s somewhat unfazed by your kind words, but it always makes his cheeks go pink and his heart beat a little bit faster.

~While he loves your praise, Rohan tends to hold back a little when it comes to verbal affection. He tends to show his love through quiet actions. But, when he’s in the mood to tell you how much he loves you, Rohan pulls out all the stops. Seeing as he’s a mangaka, he is very good with words, and knows just what to say to make your heart melt. 

~Somewhat bad at comforting you when you’re down. He knows you well enough to tell when you’ve had a rough day, but part of him is scared to approach you. He knows he can come off as rude sometimes and he doesn’t want to make it worse. So, he’ll silently make you a warm cup of tea, have something sweet waiting for you in your room- and retreat into his studio. Of course, if you’re extremely upset and crying your eyes out he’ll be there to cuddle you and cheer you up. But on just kinda-crappy days? Yeah, he’s doing the minimum.

~Rohan vows to never use Heaven’s Door on you, unless you ask him to or it’s an emergency. He’s ignored people’s boundaries in the past by using it, and he knows how pushing said boundary might ruin his relationship. While sometimes his anxiety tempts him to take a peek- to check if you’re thinking of leaving him or if you haven’t been loyal- he always stops himself. He doesn’t want to lose you, and that level of privacy invasion is too much for healthy relationship. Though his nerves may flare at times, he trusts you.

~Speaking of nerves, Rohan is always a little afraid his partner would cheat on him. He’s an extremely busy man, and sometimes it feels like he never leaves his studio. It’s easy to feel a little neglected from time to time. So, he fears that you leave when you know he’ll be working for hours, sneaking off to meet with someone else. While you assure him that this isn’t the case, he still gets jealous from time to time when he sees you being a little too nice to others.

~While he can be a tad prickly, Rohan is whipped for you, and he wouldn’t have it any other way!