#even though ive always struggled with these kinds of transitions

[themainannoyance]

Thinking about the time that i told my former roommate ex bff that "hey at some point im gonna get really mentally ill and im so sorry about that" and then a few months later i got so mentally ill that i scheduled meals to avoid people and would straight up refuse ti leave my boyfriends room bcus i thought i was gonna be accosted by an entity every time i left. Thinking about how earlier this month i told my current roommate current bff that ina few weeks im gonna be so mentally ill that i have to set a precedent of a clean apartment NOW or else when i become suicidally depressed the apartment will be so fucked and so evil.... boys.... you will never guess how long its been since i said that (a few weeks) (im uhhh in a really bad place)

[lu-is-not-ok]

This fucking guy.

Anyway have some of my incoherent ramblings about this man under the read more because I have a lot to say about him.

Alright, let me split this into three sections because otherwise this ramble will be even more of a mess than it already is.

I'm gonna discuss Yi Sang in the mirror, or Sang Yi, under a couple of different lights.

One, how he relates to the concept of being the opposite reflection to Yi Sang. Two, how he ties back to Yi Sang's wife from "The Wings". And three, some of my thoughts about how he might fit into the wider scope of the plot and world of Limbus Company.

Strap in lads.

Sang Yi as a "left-handed" reflection

Something that becomes increasingly clear as we're shown interactions between Yi Sang and Sang Yi, and what is directly spelled out by the latter at the end of Canto IV's dungeon, is that Sang Yi is effectively the antithesis of much that makes Yi Sang, well... Yi Sang.

Yi Sang, at the core of everything, is a very sentimental and kind man. He cares a lot about the people around him, even if he doesn't always show it outwardly, and struggles to move on from whatever losses he experiences. Though he may claim otherwise, he's also constantly thinking about everything he's going through, which is what eventually leads him to the Mirror as a form of escapism from his curel reality.

Sang Yi on the other hand... is none of that.

Most of the 'comforting' words or advice Sang Yi offers to Yi Sang can be boiled down to "Stop caring or thinking about every little thing.", a sentiment that's directly in opposition of who Yi Sang is as a person.

Sang Yi finds the idea of feeling joy or despair over the past pointless. He thinks Yi Sang shouldn't feel guilty about his technology being used to exploit others because he already knew what he was getting himself into. He doesn't understand why Yi Sang would have trouble moving on if he were to lose Sang Yi.

Whereas Yi Sang is caring and emotionally-driven, Sang Yi is... I don't want to say uncaring, since he does seem to care about Yi Sang to some degree, but at the very least he is rather distant and logically-driven.

I think the moment that exemplifies that the most is when Yi Sang tells him Gubo doesn't care about him beyond using him as an accessory to prop himself up in the limelight, to which Sang Yi responds that it doesn't matter, that Yi Sang should use this as an opportunity to be in that limelight as well.

And, actually, speaking about that. Sang Yi doesn't really seem to think things through nearly as much as Yi Sang does. Or, at the very least, he doesn't care to look deeper than the surface level.

Sang Yi sees Gubo's attempts at connecting with Yi Sang as genuinely caring about him, whereas Yi Sang is able to see through them and realize Gubo is being entirely selfish here. Sang Yi sees the new League of Nine as something worth joining, while Yi Sang notices that it is nothing but a mockery of the old League. When Sang Yi learns of the new League's plan to destroy mirror worlds, his only reaction is that of mild curiosity without even a sign of concern.

All that being said, the biggest example of this might just be the fact that Sang Yi did not even realize just how badly Yi Sang was feeling until Yi Sang straight up told him there was nothing left for him in this world outside of Sang Yi.

Though we can't know for sure what exactly Sang Yi was feeling at the time, as all that we know about him is colored by Yi Sang's own bias towards him, I think it's fair to say that was the moment where it finally hit Sang Yi just how badly he fucked up by keeping Yi Sang stuck there all to himself.

Which, now that I think about it, transitions nicely to the other angle I want to look at.

Sang Yi as Yeongsim / Yi Sang's wife

First of all, just to lay it out there in the open, as fucking hilarious out of context as it sounds to say Yi Sang was his own wife all along, it's... actually not all that far off.

Beyond the fact that the Mirror is directly named after his wife in "The Wings", there's some other obvious signs that point to it. If you were to take the letters Yi Sang was writing to Sang Yi out of context, you could absolutely mistake them for something one would write to a lover too far away to be easily reachable. Plus, the way Yi Sang's first reaction to seeing Sang Yi is to call him "beautiful" in his mind?

Yeah, there's something to that.

And, of course, there's something to be said about the similarities between Sang Yi's role in Yi Sang's life, and the role Yi Sang's wife played in "The Wings".

That being the way both of them end up isolating Yi Sang, how both of them actively withhold information from him, and how Yi Sang sees them as perfect and without a fault even as they're hurting him.

I don't feel like talking about "The Wings" in depth right now as it's almost 5 am and I want to actually finish writing this fucking post at some point, but if you want to know what I'm comparing Sang Yi to, it's a short read that's easy to find a free pdf online for.

The fact that Sang Yi was trying to keep Yi Sang inside is probably the most spelled out one out of everything I'm talking about in this post. Not only does Sang Yi directly tell Yi Sang to stay with him (mind you he doesn't even ask), but Ishmael, as an outside observer, notes how Sang Yi was trying to keep Yi Sang in the room by making him afraid of the outside.

Actually, looking at when he finally offers Yi Sang the choice to leave, it's in a... very interesting way, shall we say?

Not only does Sang Yi try to make the option of staying sound as appealing as possible by bringing up that Yi Sang will be able to continue doing what he loves (or at least what Sang Yi believes Yi Sang loves), like continue working on the Mirror and keep talking to him.

On the other hand, Sang Yi is reluctant to even bring up the option that Yi Sang can leave, and when Yi Sang shows interest (note that Yi Sang's immediate reaction isn't a "I don't want to leave", it's a "I don't think I can leave"), he continues to make the option sound as unappealing as possible, while still making it clear that it is possible.

How Yi Sang doesn't need to be able to fly to leave, but he will struggle endlessly if he does. How Yi Sang can eventually find somewhere to call his home, but he will have to walk until his feet hurt and will have to settle for wherever or whatever he ends up resting at.

I don't know about you, but that doesn't seem like the kind of encouragement or advice someone who had a person's best interest in mind would make.

Now, let's make some other facts clear while we're at it.

Sang Yi knew that Yi Sang had wings as well, after all, he calls that fact 'obvious' when he finally mentions it. However, he never directly told him he does, even as Yi Sang lamented to him about how (in his eyes) he himself had no wings. He only brings it up when Yi Sang is truly at his lowest.

Sang Yi knew what the effects of supplements Yi Sang was taking were, as he can tell exactly what will happen if Yi Sang stops taking them, or takes several at once. However, he never directly told him this until he gives Yi Sang a choice, even though he was clearly aware they were not beneficial.

Sang Yi knew that Yi Sang's room was always open, as he was confident that Yi Sang would be able to just leave on his own once the effects of the supplements cleared away. However, he never tells Yi Sang that, even when Yi Sang is making it clear he doesn't think he even can leave. It's actually one of the thing Yi Sang ends up finding out by himself.

Despite all of this... Yi Sang never stops to consider that Sang Yi might not have his best interests in mind. Sang Yi is his everything. He's perfect, flawless, the ideal self. He's the only thing Yi Sang has left.

Call me cynical, but it paints the ending of the Canto in a somewhat bittersweet light to me. After all, Sang Yi never has to apologize or even admit to anything, and Yi Sang still views him as positively as he always has.

I guess at the very least it's accurate to the book. After all, Yi Sang in "The Wings" ends up holding on to that perfect image of his wife to the very end.

Sang Yi as an entity

Okay I have no clever transition here like I did last time, but this is probably the thing about Sang Yi that's been bugging me the most.

Have you guys noticed just how much Sang Yi seems to know about Yi Sangs from different worlds? Those sweeping general statements about "All versions of Yi Sang" or "All Yi Sangs" that he makes with full confidence.

When Yi Sang assumes that Sang Yi can "be anywhere he wants" thanks to his wings, just how correct is he?

With the way Sang Yi talks about other Yi Sangs, it gives the impression that he's met a lot of them in the past. In fact, if that's true, it would recolor the meaning of Sang Yi's comment about his meeting with his particular Yi Sang "peculiar".

What's so peculiar about our Yi Sang specifically, if Sang Yi has met so many of them? Is it the method, the fact that it's through the mirror? Is it that Sang Yi finally found a Yi Sang that also had wings? Is it because our Yi Sang is the first one to contact him rather than the other way around?

And while we're on that topic, isn't the way Sang Yi talks about Yi Sangs kind of odd? It's always "All Yi Sangs" or "All versions of Yi Sang", as if he's not part of those Yi Sangs himself. It's like he's putting himself in the role of an outside observer, seperate from the concept of being a 'Yi Sang'.

Just what is Sang Yi, really? He implies he's the version of our Yi Sang that's inside the mirror, the one that "needs to be opposite, yet is quite alike" to the one outside, to explain why our Yi Sang would have wings if he saw them on Sang Yi, but like... He never directly says that's the case.

In fact, when Yi Sang asks Sang Yi about what the outside is like, Sang Yi weirdly dodges the question, saying it's all "the same tiring stuff". Another example of him withholding information aside, this all makes him seem rather fucking suspicious to me.

Just. What is he really?

God I hope we get to see him again, cause I really want to know what the fuck his actual deal is.

[ambiguouspuzuma]

The Fairy Shareholder

Kitchens Inc had endured another torrid year; the crumbling capstone on a miserable decade. The old board had been out of ideas: revenues were down, profits were non-existent, and the whole company was circling a drain of its own design, making and installation. They could have done with a fresh start, but that had been years ago. At this point, they'd needed a miracle.

"Shall we start with introductions?" It was the first shareholder meeting since the takeover, and board were ready to face judgement. As the shareholder present, Juliana took the lead. "Juliana Merryweather, owner and CEO"

"James Barentin, former CEO," one man followed. He was the spitting image of the company founder, sharing his nose as well as his name. "Now head of sales and shareholder liaison."

"William Barentin IV." The man next to him also shared in both; another chip off the old block. "Former head lobbyist. Now responsible for white goods."

It hadn't always been this way. This had been the first business of its kind in the state, producing and fitting kitchens for office and home, and in those early years the market had been theirs: able to set the price of their wares, and decide where they wanted to set them, with a choice of customers waiting for a consultation. Their founder, William Barentin III, had led them from strength to strength in those halcyon days. There had been a bust of him in the lobby, a sign of their prestige, until the recent desperation had come to pass.

"Blane Lumber, former chair of this office." The introductions worked their way around the room. Blane was another man, this time with no remarkable features at all. "Now in charge of surfaces."

The problem with coming first was that the race never ended. Today, the market was awash with competitors, all with more unique names and better brand recognition: locking down the 'Kitchens' trademark had felt like a coup at the time, but it was less useful in an era more focused on Search Engine Optimisation. It took something more catchy to seize a modern customer's attention, a sense of originality - and being the actual original didn't help.

"Harry Goldman, water tank specialist." Another completely average-looking man. Looking across the desk, Juliana saw that most of the others were. She really had to get better at that, with workplace diversity and all. "I look after plumbing."

Of course, Juliana knew who each of them were, even if a few did look a little too alike. She'd given them their jobs, and given most of them their names. James had brought her in, and survived as the only remnant from the old board, helping with the transition to her new regime. Everyone else had gone, and their salaries had been the first costs they had saved.

She'd actually wanted a complete overhaul, but then James was a salesman, and he'd managed to convince her of what he could add: Juliana supposed she wasn't the first the step into the showroom wanting a clean slate, only to be upsold to the speckled marble tiles and countertops instead. She was glad of him, though. The others could be difficult to manage, and it was good to have an experienced hand to show them how things worked - hands included.

It hadn't been hard to convince him of her own resume. She'd started off as a godmother, like most in her industry, but corporations were people in law, and 'minority shareholder' felt roughly equivalent. They called them angel investors: venture capitalists who came in to support struggling businesses, management consultants who helped them to turn things around. She was a new kind of patron for the consumerist age, giving a makeover to miserable companies and helping to change their fortunes as a result.

Juliana had been used to making coaches out of pumpkins, their drivers out of mice; now she turned them into career coaches instead, or made do with computer mice to drive the business on. It was a massive saving on staff costs. They only cost her an arm and a leg, or two, and the rest of the body to attach them to. She arrived in a shower of sparkles, slashed expenses, found a few efficiencies, and sent them on their way. If that was their dream, even the most down-on-their-luck company would go to the IPO.

"Blane, if you could go first." With the roll-call out of the way, she moved onto the numbers. It was largely good news. "Worktop installations are up twice on last quarter. Are we sure these figures are accurate?"

"Well, we do employ a number of counter-fitters." In exchange for her investment, Juliana had told James she would need a seat on the board. That was Blane. He'd been an office chair until she gave him a promotion, and liked making her regret it. "But yes, business has been good. We've focused on the areas you suggested, and it's really working out."

"Excellent." She turned to Harry, who had once been the office goldfish. "Did the savings on sinks work out?"

"They're still working," he said. Harry had been his original name, which had saved her from having to think of one. He'd always known his way around a bowl, but the promotion had been a whole new learning curve: having to find his feet, and then figure out how to use them. "We have a steady flow of work coming in, but most of it's still in the pipeline. You'll see it in next quarter's numbers."

The puns were a side effect: on receiving the gift of language, her creations felt the immediate urge to play with it, like a child unwrapping a new toy on Christmas morning. Juliana had tried to tone them down, but at the end of the day there was no harm in letting the board have fun, provided the business was running smoothly. They might not be around for too much longer, and they might as well enjoy it.

"Okay, if you're sure." She thought about making a joke in turn, but didn't want to faucet. "But remember what's at stake here, gentlemen. We can't afford to let this company go bust. No offence, William."

"None taken." William was the old head in the room, having been in the company for generations. He'd been the bust of the founder in the lobby, now transformed from marble into flesh: it was easier, when Juliana had something similar in appearance to start from. It gave her more to work with, rather than having to come up with the details by herself.

"I'm confident," Harry assured her. "I'm basin everything on solid data from James's team. And yes, we know the stakes. How could we forget?"

She'd given them that briefing on day one. The company needed to get back into the black before the clock struck year-end, or else the spell would wear off: the business would fold, and the board would return to their original forms. That was their motivation - literally working for their lives, or their new ones, in Harry's case. She'd thrown him into the deep end, and it really had been sink or swim.

[nonbinarygamzee]

what are your thoughts on gamkar (esp as it is presented in the comic) ?

ehehehehe. well. i like dem :]

ummm um to be like #thoughtful or whatever though i always struggle to put my investment to words because i simultaneously feel like a lot of what draws me to them feels self explanatory but Also every time i think that about hs i turn out to be wrong. that sounds so mean i just have autism and 0 frame of reference lol.

but anyways for me like ive basically been invested in gamzee and by extension gamkar from the beginning. at risk of being kind of nice for once i actually think homestuck did a pretty decent job wrt the introductions of the trolls in establishing the levels of importance and especially the dynamics at play through when we see them interacting, so it always felt Important that the conversation that established gamzee and karkat as good friends was so early on. in general i dont really think hs has many transitional spots that are not being used intentionally to create subconscious association between the subjects. so by extension theres the more obvious literal conversation we have between the two of them that both establishes them as close (at least in gamzees mind) and establishes a rift in that relationship, but theres also things like the conversation gamzee and terezi have about playing the game together, that while not about karkat explicitly, kind of centers him from both ends and is literally sandwiched between the introductions of these two, which to me sets up the assumptions that their dynamic is going to hole relevance, which we end up seeing later on. dare i say that gamzee/terezi conversation even kind of ends up being the earliest nod that both of these trolls are in some way vying for karkats attention. theres like plenty more of these moments of association but im not willing to go looking atm, get back to me. good way to read the comic in general though, imo.

and like so its pretty obvious from the start then that gamkar was always going to be something, right? their personalities are written in a way that both compliment and counter each other, and theres that interest then in murderstuck when it is flipped on its head but idk if you go here i think by now it is clear i dont really agree with all of that. my interest lies in the fact that gamzee is the type of person karkat resents because to him, as somebody who both has been denied entry into society and who desperately WANTS it, even to the point of internalizing and glorifying the very oppressive violence that keeps him an outsider, gamzee has Failed. shes an addict, shes stupid, shes toothless, and above all she is weird and wholly unrelatable and karkat is simply not in the position at that stage of his life to sympathize because he is still running on the assertion that the Right way to be a troll is to conform to the expectations of the empire (and prove himself as one of the Good Ones). so when gamzee has their breakdown and all of a sudden karkat is not only unable to shove all of the responsibility he insisted upon onto another person, or ignore the fact gamzee spent all of her time haunting the meteor asking Him for help..... he does it. sort of.

this is kind of the spot where i have the most trouble articulating my thoughts because i guess they are sort of contradictory. because i think the gamkar moirallegience was not only at that point in time important to the integrity of the plot, but has always been an important part of the story in terms of culminating the themes and messaging going on. and i do stand by that, i think on top of the fact we were ROBBED, to erase that without ever addressing any of it again in the retcon is like.... a major misunderstanding of the functionality of the moment in the first place! which like yeah yeah its homestuck we should be used to that. but UGH. it undermined so much of karkats character to retcon what imo was always his peak moment of personal empowerment. everyone talks about karkat as somebody who is deeply caring despite his exterior and like... i do think that is true. but the story simply is Worse from then on having stripped him of the pivitol moment that truly defined that trait as vital to him, and i think it frankly has no small part in why karkat feels like less than a character by the end. that said i dont really think it was a "good" relationship. just not for any of the reasons anyone ever seems to say. so many conversations i see wrt gamkar is people talking about loving it but not the "toxic way it went down in canon", or calling it like mutually abusive, or just in general making karkat out to be some kind of victim of his ex when like......... thats all kind of just completely made up? for starters not that i dont Get it and not that i think it means he was being entirely disingenuous, but from the very beginning karkats establishment of their quadrant was done in a way that centered the people around them, not gamzee. and i say not gamzee exclusively because i think aside from the obvious of keeping their friends safe, karkat was also centering himself; we know the Point of moirallegiance is to keep an unpredictable party "in check", and that is what he did, but i can both understand the functionality of the relationship marker in the context of the universe And understand that to be a means of subjugation of the trolls involved. and karkat, being both obsessed with romance and holding a deep feeling of inferiority, of COURSE would look at this as an opportunity to prove he can live up to that expectation of pacification. we get his side of the story when things fizzle out, gamzees religion apparently becoming such a frontal obsession she doesnt pay him any mind, but we dont get to hear anything from the party whos not only being mind controlled, but also has to approach this dynamic with the knowledge it wasnt for her and that karkat continued to covet terezi "in every quadrant" (LOL!!!!!) when he wasnt openly mocking them. and well i just think that is very interesting. karkat is in a powerful position, narratively, that gamzee is never ever granted, that gives him the benefit of the doubt from the audience that he is right and she is wrong, even though we know that hes like... literally always wrong!!! i am not about to start trusting him NOW!!!

um ok this god long sorry. basically i think they are extremely complimentary to one anothers stories and flaws; karkat desperately needs to see and understand people that vary from the expectations he has grown up chasing. he needs somebody who understands what it is like not to meet those expectations. he needs a reason to choose growth or else he fizzles into the disgusting excuse for a character we have of him by the end! gamzee by contrast needs to be seen by somebody who is both in the position to treat her like a person, who holds power in this narrative they are all trapped within to Grant her the choice of depth. where he needs a reason to grow she needs somebody willing to grow to meet her where she is! you cannot pull somebody from their abuse but you must be willing to understand their reasonings and have a hand at the ready for the day they choose to go! ive never understood the debates surrounding gamzees agency because we are shown explicitly the ways it is denied, and shown her awareness to the fact she is trapped, the fact she is a character and the narrative cannot be upheld without her roles; karkats ability to "help" her to me was never as much a question about whether he could literally get her out of that, but whether he could act as the lens through which people understand gamzees situation As one of coercion. they are utena anthy forever ok im done

[tojisun]

Not me running on liquid courage again. 💀🥂

I mean we all know canon toji is an asshole ❤️, but domestic?!?! It just makes you wanna bash a keyboard 😗 like how can you not! It's so fucking frustrating! He IS beautiful indeed its frustrating!

🥺🥺🤧 ahh this response! I know I said thank you already but like 🥺 thank you. I'm happy you found a healthy outlet. It takes a lot to acknowledge when you're not feeling well AND to doing something positive about it, so virtual hug 🤧 bring it in 🫂!

I wish school systems would actually give a fuck and do a better job preparing students for uni (dont we all). Everyone has a different situation but uni will always be there. I mean they want your money loans, right?? Take all the time you need while you're in uni. This is just my experience, but I feel like this is really only one time where you'll have a chance to work on your adult life before it becomes an expectation.

I just miss being a student for leeway at work. 0h and bc I like learning.

Omg I feel you on a personal level. Taking a 18 hour semester and a +50hr job for WHAT!!! In the end, I changed my major when I had 3 more classes until I graduated, so i graduated in 6 years 🙃.

Truly, please be kind to yourself. We only have 1 fucking day in the week to not think about work. I'm channeling my spirit energy to you. I wish you the best! Please take care and stay safe.

(Sorry for any typos)

omg hey!!! howre u!! sorry it took a while for me to respond ahdjwjs

no no bc that’s exactly me!! canon toji was so much of an asshole that i had a hard time writing him being soft and domestic and kind (ie: my first established fic was toji leaving the reader for mamaguro bc ik that man would choose her in any universe </33) but then i was like fuck canon. i want toji who’s in love w the reader; toji who cares for the reader; toji who’s moved on and healed from mamaguro and loving the reader for them and not as mamaguro’s replacement!!!! (most of my fics tend to follow this au)

i remember when i was drafting one of my first fluff fics (not headcanon or drabble), one of my besties told me, “ur projecting.” like maam, do u think i dont know 😭 but yea i wrote my soft toji whose scarred lips are gentle when they kiss the reader because toji is so pretty, we need him being happy with reader!!!!

thank u so much for the hug!! ive been having severe bad weeks and i needed this <3333 hugs you tight too 😚

and absolutely!! my school did ok in preparing us for post-secondary; college did amazing in helping me transition from high school setting and into post-secondary setting; but fuck. uni is a whole different level. can’t catch a break fr like AHHSHSHH

but yes thank u so much for the advice!!! i can absolutely see what u mean. like rn, even if i have work and back-to-back lectures, i still have the opportunities to ask for time-offs to prepare for my midterms and finals and papers which has helped me greatly! the life experience is helping me lots while giving me some form of coddling and ik this wouldnt really last into (greater) adulthood so that kinda sucks :((

and omg u switching majors is nerve-wracking but amazing at the same time!! ik sm of my friends who just suck up with their majors even if theyre fr struggling so im glad that u were able to pursue something more your style. im sorry it took long for u to grad though but still!!! im so happy for uu!!!

and i will be kind to myself, i promiseee!! ive been doing better these past few days and hoping to have more kind days moving forward!

thank you again for this kind mssge! ur words and kindness truly means a lot to me. take care darling, and have a happy and safe drinking 🥹🫶🏼

[toontowncreepypasta]

Miles Upshur headcanons because ive been real autistic since outlast went on sale on the switch

heres just a huge dump of all my miles headcanons and interpretations im sorry it’s so fucking much ive been obsessed with this fag since i was like 13

 I think Miles grew up pretty poor, his father in the military and his mother was a stay at home mom who struggled with drug addiction. he had four other sisters with him being the oldest. He ended up raising most of them, the third sister being nonverbal autistic. He was responsible at home but not really anywhere else. He also didn’t get along with his mom very well. He left the house the moment he turned 18 and didn’t look back. He’s transmasc and gay, i can’t see him being into women im sorry. hes like the only horror protagonist i can think og that isnt like oh my gof.ds...... oh my god boobs....

I think a lot of Miles very strong core values come from how he was raised and that mostly pushed him into journalism and needing to shine a light on things. i also think he was in a band when he was in highschool, and still plays guitar pretty frequently (or well, heh, did when he had his fingers.) i also think he sold his adderal and any other meds he was put on all through out highschool and college and got in trouble for it a couple times. He was one of those shitty highschool kids who were like way too smart for their own good so they spent all of their time trying to break every rule they could.

Miles and Lynn Langermann became extremely close in college, and Miles and Blake also dated in college for like two months before that imploded on itself and they never spoke to eachother again.

He’s an aries, he has ADHD and c-PTSD (and you know, now regular PTSD) and is a HORRIBLE chain smoker like it’s really fucking bad. he’s jewish. He is EXTREMELY drawn to anything dangerous or mysterious like it’s a problem he has almost no survival instincts. He is an animal to his own emotions and desires and it’s a problem, if he gets scared of something he chases after it, he doesn’t back down, he’s insanely stubborn, he’s quick to anger. But I will say he is pretty good about assessing situations, he’s lived off blind luck his entire life because he is GOOD at what he does. he always acts like he knows what he’s doing and shit usually ends up in his favor so it’s hard not to believe him.  He is unaware of how mentally unwell he is, mostly because he has a habit of repressing pretty much anything traumatic that happens to him. Puts it in a little vault and keeps trudging on.

He’s anti authority and has a hard time taking orders or directions, even just from people he loves/respects. He resents any kind of restraint put on him. Miles biggest fear is death, him dying, specifically. He is scared to die before he’s ready. His second biggest fear is being forgotten/ignored. He’s somewhat of an attention whore, negative, positive, he likes to act out or preform or be wild and “out there” and have everyones eyes on him. he wants to be THE guy. no matter what hes doing he’s doing it with a hypothetical audience. That’s specifically something he struggles to drop at any time, its hard for him to be intimate with people or slow down because of it. he isn’t a narcissist though, it isn’t to an extreme extent. it’s just enough to be noticable in times of crisis. Despite all of these, Miles biggest and most dominante traits are his empathy, passion and his fixation on justice. he’s a good person all around, even if he’s a bit of trouble. he rarely if ever has ill intents to anyone who isn’t a dangerous person, and even then, he can find himself sympathizing and understanding almost anyone if given enough time.

he’s pretty fashionable but... doesn’t utilize it what so ever. he dresses like a very stereotypical binary trans masc, with a bit of occasional gothic/southern flair. he’s no stranger to eyeliner. before his transition he was very similar but in a “feminized” way, think those white southern punk girls with the chunky blonde/black streaks and bedazzled black ripped tanktops and flannels. He just went from one end of the spectrum to the other.

[4shfur]

not really a vent im just talking about stuff so uhh no one feel obligated to look at this im just talking and its probably going to b extremely long and make no sense (because its late)

2022 is over honestly 2023 feels like its out of a dystopian film 😐 not very cool. i wish it was the 2010s anybody remember that? i loved that. stuff is changing a lot and idk if im ready for it. my new year resolution to do more stuff. like hang out with my friends more and do more things. idk about anything else. i want to do better in track but im not sure if i can. all my cousins are in track/cross country but theyre all better than me. my brother's only done cross country once but even hes better than me. its kind of petty to complain about it, idk i also wanna do better in school but i also hate school. its frustrating, i used to be really good at it but now im just average, it feels like. thats dumb to complain about too though because i know people who really struggle with school and im being sad because my brother got a better grade on the sat than me when he was my age. i think im a weirdo but not in a good way (transitioning topics) that sounds dumb but idk im not sure ive been thinking about it lately and i think maybe im actually really unlikeable. this isnt a weird internalized thing i think i might just be super annoying and idk how to fix it. its not on purpose. and idk how to ask my friends if they like me or not because thats super wierd????? and obv theyd say yes right bcs you cant just tell someone you dont like them. and im worriwd i come off as insensitive or pushy to ppl and they secretly hate but like?????? idk i dont ever know bcs i cant tell with people and i really dont mean to i really do like these people. i really dont wanna be that one annoying kid who keeps hanging out with people even though they clearly dont like them, but its not clear, and idk how to tell. also my new years resolution is to be nicer to people. bcs im kinda judgy about people (usually in my head but sometimes i talk mean about people) and i dont want to do that bcs usually im wrong and i dont have the whole picture and i just want to be nicer. (transitjon again) im actually doing better mentally i think, i guess i was just going through that whole "i hate my parents phase" everyone always talks about but i feel like i should be worrying about things more. idk its hard to explain but i wish i was worse. that sounds super fucked up 🤷 but im nostalgic for when i felt terrible all the time and hated myself, i guess. thats as simply as i can put it and idk whats up. i know people who are struggling and i want to help them but i dont know how and i hate that. ik this makes me sound super gross. but who knows. maybe ill get my wish and this year will be terrible or something. 21 days till for the future comes out though ✌️✌️✌️

[teddyextrapaw]

eidolon’s gender diaries: 7/6/2023

i thought it might be fun to document my medical transition here! i may even show photos of myself when relevant. today was just intake, though, so no need yet.

so. ive known i was trans since i was 11. came out to my entire family and school at 13. and ive been wanting top surgery and HRT the entire time

however i was super mentally unstable in my teen years, trauma, abuse and mental illness made it a hell of a struggle to stay alive. i was drowning and the possibility of testosterone making that worse concerned my mom.

we tried to get me on hormone blockers, but the guy i saw was a transphobic dickwad and deemed me not trans, even tho i thought i was a binary trans man at the time. he said i was just hormonal and sent me to the womens ward to go on birth control

ive been on just that, birth control, for 8-9 years now. my periods cause me severe dysphoria, but honestly it was not even sort of enough to help. it was a bandaid solution to a bigger problem

over the past 13 years of learning and growing and figuring myself out, ive come to love my body and identity the best i possibly can. but as my mental state stabilized yet my dysphoria stayed consistently horrific and disabling, i realized i might have to make the jump and start gender affirming care

it was scary. my dream has always been to be gender non conforming. ideal gender presentation for me is like... beard, makeup, long hair, no boobs and a dress. lol. tho tbh, clothes wise i dress different all the time. but u kno

given the bad experience with the highly acclaimed gender specialist at 16, i was highkey terrified but my experience at the lgbt clinic i went to today was literally insanely positive

first off, my doctor is trans. they are not 100% sure on pronouns yet, but they do not identify with their assigned gender. love it! they are super passionate, kind, and caring. they love to say “beautiful” when they mean “great” (i.e. “do you know about xyz side effect?” “yeah!” “beautiful :D”) and theyre just... so cute lol.

i got my blood drawn for tests on diabetes risk, blood cell count, and testosterone and estrogen levels. i just got it drawn for other health issues recently so thankfully that lessened the amount of bloodwork. i haaate bloodwork.

i also had to sign So much paperwork so my doc is not legally accountable for if i misuse the meds or dont like the results. he wished he could just give me testosterone today but that and the bloodwork needs done first

im a little afraid of the lifestyle changes ill need to make, namely with making sure to exercise more as there is a higher risk of cardiac arrest and similar issues on testosterone but staying in shape can help lessen it. but i think itll be good for my mental health in the long run, and a good motivator

next week i have an appointment where we will do everything and ill get my first prescription of testosterone... shakes like a chihuahua in excitement

also, apparently my insurance is very lax about top surgery and i may be able to get it within the month. at the latest, within the year!!!!!! my bmi/weight does not matter and i got a recommendation of a surgeon i was already impressed with the results of!!! hes done a lot of top surgery for “obese” patients and it all looks amazing

im literally so excited. i honestly thought i might not live to see the day i got to medically transition... but here we are :D i lived!!! i lived bitches!! im 24 and i have a long life to continue!!! and i will be so much happier and my body will feel like MINE!!!!!!!!!

[frosnpls]

cw vent,, doin bad tonite lads

idk if i have PMDD or if it's the SAD or if it's the work stress or if it's the state of this country and the fact that I'm slowly losing hope of both living independently/being able to afford such as well as ever being able to ever begin to transition properly or just whatever the fuck but man im not having a good time

i keep thinking lately about how ive never been able to catch a break and like sometimes i feel like im blowing it out of proportion and that its not fair because i do actually lead a fairly privileged life but also like. i was literally bullied at the age of THREE by my nursery teacher because she mistook the clear signs of my neurodivergence as misbehaviour. i struggled through school because nobody noticed i was neurodivergent and the people who did didnt want to admit it. i developed body dysmorphia by the age of like 8 iirc. i was bullied throughout all of my childhood and struggled so badly because i didnt have any support in place because somehow nobody noticed the very clear signs of adhd and autism. i lost my teenage years to severe bullying which caused permanent trauma and then lost the four years of my life after finishing school to essentially becoming a carer for an abusive suicidal boyfriend and then spent months after his death blaming myself for "not doing enough" when i had literally become a recluse because i was afraid that if i went out he might need me and i wouldnt be available. this year was the first year i think ive ever actually felt Right because i felt like i had myself figured out and i was doing what i wanted and i felt free and i just. i think theres an element of grieving for probably like a good sixteen or so years of my life where i was consistently traumatised by something and had no chance to find myself as a person

i feel consistently selfish for it but i just want someone to see how much im struggling and acknowledge it yknow like. offer some help or take care of me for a bit. i dont understand why but im in this role of a protector and caretaker for others and whilst i want to look after people and i care so so deeply about the people i do look after id also like to be looked after occasionally, you know? like. the day my cat died my partner was there and i got out of bed and my mum gave me the news and i went downstairs and i held her and i went back to my room and got in bed and started crying and. my partner put their arm around me and said he was sorry and i just curled up into them and cried and i genuinely think its the most ive ever felt cared for in at least my working memory

when i was younger sometimes my dad would try to comfort me when i cried and when i tried to explain why i was crying he would say "oh, [deadname]" in this really sympathetic tone and i remember always hoping he would do it when i cried because it made me feel like someone was actually acknowledging how much i was hurting and there came a point where he stopped saying it and idr if it was just because i was getting older and it sounded condescending or if it was at the point where i started hiding from my parents when i was upset because i didnt want them to worry but there was a period of time where i would actually miss that exclamation every time i cried even though i wasnt coming to my dad for comfort

i want to ask for help and seek help and comfort and be vulnerable enough to let people know i need it but also theres people who rely on me and i worry that if i dont seem positive or up to it they might think they cant come to me and i want them to be able to come to me i really do. then also i feel like if i bring my hurt to others all im going to do is upset or inconvenience them and i dont want to do that

im just trapped because i dont want anyone to worry about me but also i kind of do and it makes me feel so selfish like why would anyone ever want people to worry about them but its just in that way that like. iwould maybe just like to be asked if im alright before ive expressed that im not. i would like someone to notice that im quieter than usual or that i dont seem as enthusiastic or upbeat as i do most of the time and ask how im feeling. even that makes me feel selfish though and i hate it because i know realistically that isnt selfish but equally any normal person would just seek out the comfort they need right?? but i cant because if i initiate it then it means im annoying someone or upsetting someone or taking up someone's valuable time

i dont understand how i can be both looking after others, taking time to check on them and make sure theyre alright, give advice and welcome people in if they need me, and then also at the same time feel like the world biggest dickhead if i even dare to think about asking for the same from someone. or refusing to take my own advice. i need a mental health break from work desperately and my partner keeps telling me this as well but i keep refusing because we had 4 staff members off sick this week and if i went off as well it would make things hard for them. i just cant,, prioritise myself

im tired of england and im tired of the world and im tired of having to figure out how im going to manage to exist in the way i want to one day and im tired of feeling selfish for desiring human contact and im tired of waking up before the sun's up and im tired of feeling sad and not understanding why and im just. im just tired

[angel-anoetic]

halllooo 🐌 anon here! i know i havent requested anything for a while but thats just bc i didnt have any ideas and ive been kinda busy but im back and ive come with another c!ponk request! okay so reader (gn or he/him) works with las nevadas but ponk doesnt know that but one day they get curious and follow reader to las nevadas and hes pretty surprised and i dont really have any idea of what happens next so u can decide! it can also be fluff or angst or whatever u feel fits best! anyways make sure ur eating and drinking enough and getting enough sleep and taking ur meds if u take any and byeeeeee

hi 🐌! no worries i'm glad to have you back! i chose to use he/him and make this kind of angsty, if that's okay. stay safe and healthy anon!

Don't forget to like to save and reblog to share!

c!Ponk x [he/him] Reader - Truth

genre: /rom, c!ponk, angst with happy ending, las nevadas!Reader

warning: none! (let me know if i missed something)

masterlist <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun was starting to rise, the morning dew shined on the grass outside the window. As much as you hated it, you knew sooner or later you would have to pull away from Ponk and make the trip back to Las Nevadas.

You sighed and looked over to him, sleeping so peacefully, quiet and calm breaths escaping their mouth. You smiled and began to roll out of the bed. You were almost out of the bed before an arm wrapped around your waist.

"No...don't leave me, stay here all day." Ponk groaned, half asleep.

"Ponk I've gotta go to work love."

"Nope, no work." You laughed, falling against him slightly. You placed a hand on his cheek, stroking your thumb against his cheekbone.

"I've really got to go. I promise I'll be back soon." You kissed his cheek, removed his arm from your waist, and got up, grabbing your jacket before closing the bedroom door.

You walked through the greater SMP, admiring the new pop-up buildings, and reminiscing on the old.

You didn't even notice a still half asleep Ponk following behind you. For as much noise as he was making you couldn't seem to notice. You were lost in your own thoughts. For the last few months, you had to keep your place of work a secret. You weren't sure how people would react to you working at Las Nevadas, and further, for Quackity. The only people who knew at this point were Quackity and the others who were beginning their transition to the new faction.

Ponk had struggled after the Red Banquet to forgive Quackity, even though it was Q who had technically freed her from the Egg's grasp, something not even you could do. But Ant had lost a life, and Ponk wasn't sure if they could forgive Puffy for that or Quackity for allowing it.

You waltzed into the Needle, Quackitys headquarters and took the elevator to the very top. Ponk hadn't risked getting spotted by anyone and stayed at the ground level, waiting, watching.

The elevator doors opened up, and you walked over to the railing, Quackity standing, looking over some papers.

"What can I help you with today Big Q? And we gotta make this quick, I have a lot to do today."

The man snorted, "Yeah, right. Now would I be where I am right now if I let people who work for me tell me about how much time they have? No, I wouldn't. Take a seat."

You sighed, quickly pulling out your message to send Ponk a text about how you would be late. Q sat across from you, going on and on about how the business you were chosen to help him start was lacking, as were you with your progress getting to Las Nevadas.

"I can't have slackers, but I really don't like the idea of anyone else having you working for them, so I'm torn. I could give you a second chance, make a new deal...or I'll just have to convince you another way to not go working for someone like Tubbo or Jack. Not even Techno."

You let out a sigh. "All right, just get to the point."

"Well, it's simple. Either you get settled down here completely in the next 3 days, or I'm going to convince you to."

You rolled your eyes. He couldn't force you to do anything. How could he?

"How's Ponk doing?" This caused your breath to get caught in your throat.

"Oh please, you think I don't know? I know everything about you y/n. Your history, your alliances, friends...partners. And I need to in order to keep you under me."

"He doesn't even know about this. They don't even know I work here. You have no reason to hurt them other than to hurt me."

"And if I have to I will." He checked his communicator, and the message catching his eye. "Sam and I have some business to attend to. Consider what I've told you, and come back to me with either an answer or through action. Have a good day, you're dismissed."

You sat shocked for a moment before you stood and stomped off the balcony. By the time the elevator stopped the tears had rolled down your cheeks as you thought over the choice you'd have to make.

The thoughts ran around your mind as you walked outside of Las Nevada's borders and into Snowchesters, a weight lifted off your shoulders.

You took a seat on the soft ground, not too worried about the cool air. You needed to think.

"Y/n?" His voice. His lovely, sweet voice. You turned and found Ponk standing there, rubbing his arms to keep warm.

"Hello love, what are you doing here?" Quickly removing your jacket you handed it over to her.

"I, um, I followed you from the house. I figured...well I wanted to see where you go when you leave me."

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry Ponk. I-I should've told you sooner, I was planning to but I didn't know how you'd react."

He smiled, resting a soft hand on your cheek. You relished in the touch.

"Don't worry about it. I don't care for you working with Quackity, as long as you're happy and safe. Speaking of...I heard what he told you."

"You did...?"

He nodded, a smile resting on his calm face. "Yeah, but I'm not worried. I'll always be there with you, by your side. And we're gonna get through this, together."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[spacedlexi]

Hello! I was wondering if you could please make a tutorial for colours? I absolutely adore your colouring/ effects and I’ve been struggling with it for years;;v;; so if it isn’t too much trouble that would be amazing! Of course if you can’t that’s fine too, I completely understand! Thank you sm for giving us amazing art💕💕💕

waah thank u so much thats so nice...🥰💕!!

i love to help when i feel like im able to give Real advice and not just “yeah idk this is just how i do things”. these are some basics ive learned from painting and drawing classes that i try to keep in mind while coloring (even though i dont always do it haha but it IS at the back of my mind)

i made these diagrams quick just to get some points across as easily as i can i hope its not too hard to understand (also i hope you can read my handwriting..)

its easiest to practice these ideas on white objects because theres no real local color to worry about. just the colors from your light source and your shadows. warm light creates cool shadows and cool light creates warm shadows. but shadows are also made up of the reflected (bounced, ambient, diffuse (theres lots of names for it)) colors of nearby objects. light bounces and so does the color it bounces off of. these reflected colors will be less extreme (more neutral (grey)) and mix with the color of the light source a bit.

from top to bottom: the highlight is where the light hits your object most directly. this can be a really hard light like in the pic or really soft depending on the source and the object itself. base tone is just the color of the object affected by the color of your light source (warm/cool). it may also have a saturated edge. halftone is where the light meets the core shadow. this area is usually less saturated as its further from the light source. the core is the darkest part of the shadow and occurs right where shadow meets the halftone. think of it like an edge. even round objects have this though it’ll be harder to see. then the real shadow which is...a shadow haha but aside from being a cooler version of your objects true color it’ll also be comprised of the colors from light bouncing off nearby objects. thats the reflected light.

now with color!

ive seen some “how to color” posts on here that say to avoid greys, and thats not true! neutrals are very important, especially when it comes to complimentary colors. sometimes its hard to tell that a color youre looking at is actually pretty grey, and that has to do with the colors its surrounded by. can you see the reflected light on the red ball? looks a little blue (or green depending on which youre looking at) right? but its actually just a neutral red! the blue affected color is cooler and the green affected color is warmer, but theyre both still neutral (grey) reds. even some of the red has reflected onto the green surface, making that a warmer neutral tone as well. neutrals are everywhere! its kind of hard to find (naturally occurring) highly saturated colors.

moving from yellow to green might not take many neutral tones because of their proximity to each other. but the farther your colors get from each other, the more neutrals you’ll need to transition between them. all colors have one thing that connects them, and thats grey haha. dont be afraid of neutral tones! but still dont shade with black!!

on top of going neutral i also always try to shift the hue as well. sometimes this is really subtle or extreme depending on the situation and what i feel looks best. subtlety can also go for neutrals. in the end, youre just looking for whats most visually pleasing. and thats subjective! and can tie into your style. i dont Always shade with neutrals. like with skin, sometimes it can be better to have more saturation (sometimes i just go straight down too only barely changing saturation, or not changing it at all). but for the most part i move towards the grey side of the box and not the saturated side.

this is pretty long and im not an expert or anything but i hope its helpful!! here are a couple videos on the subject as well that i feel do a pretty good job explaining these ideas, and go into some more depth than i do here. one about ambient light, and one about shadows and colors. it can also be nice practice to just color pick from photographs so you can learn to recognize colors better as well :)

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

I'm more mentally prepared for it to not be a dinof than I was expecting. I feel like BIG kinda marked the end of that era, and now he wants to focus on using his platform to be a positive and safe space for queer people more than anything else. I joined the phamily(I love that term) after he came out, so it might just be that because this is the only dan era that I've really known the transition is easier, idrk. I joined about a week after something we want to tell you came out, and I was just in time for the stereo era, so that is a very likely possibility if that makes sense. Idk I'm just really happy to have made it in time to see the two of them happy

🥺 i knowww

i was part of the phandom for a really long time, but i was always kind of in the background and never really active, up until big came out, and then i was like oh. he's like me and made more of an effort to give it more time, and then phil, and the hiatus, and when lockdown started and i was plunged into a perpetual state i dont know please help me i dont know how to do this whats happening please i dont want to die unless its on my own terms and just general panic, and my mental health did a barrel flip off a cliff screaming sayonara, so i used their old videos, mostly the gaming channel, as a kind of anchor, and it reminded me why i cared about them in the first place! and then we got the stereos and one thing led to another and now we're here! and its great!

i completely agree with big being the end of an era, but i think i always had this mindset of oh of course he'll take a break but he'll be back and then he wasn't. and he wasn't. and he wasn't. and now he's going to be! and i never had the chance to tell myself it would be different, so i assumed it would be a proper Dan Video, maybe like phil's one year later video, and now we've hit the second anniversary!! and things are so different!

and im so happy that theyre happy, bc its honestly... amazing. like not only everything we know about them and everything theyve done and everything theyve been through, but even just the basic, overhead view of queer people living happily and healthily, and being so lovely and loved and loving, its like... i dont know, ive been taught for so long that queerness = hate. and sometimes i still struggle with that. even though i push my pride out so often and i like to think im pretty unapologetic about it, i still wake up sometimes wishing i was straight and cis, bc its so much easier. and here dan and phil are, screaming at the tops of their lungs that queerness = love, and happiness, and theyve wrapped it all up in so many different kinds of love and held it up to the world like i dare you.

and its so fitting that two years after dan came out and all of this happened to them and to us, that he's teaming up with so many other queer creators like him who have audiences who probably love them the same as we love dan and phil, who are so incredibly grateful for the simple fact of their existence, and that theyve chosen to exist in the way that they do, and theyre all going to be doing something together to kick it all off again!

and all i can really feel is love. and thats amazing

[lichfucker]

hey ive been meaning to ask this for a long time but you work in movies, im guessing as a script supervisor? im in school finishing up a media studies degree but i want to go into tv or film production, maybe broadcast. could i ask if you have any advice for what to study or how to get started?

yeah, I'm a script supervisor!

uh this got like 3x longer than I thought it would lmao so I'm putting it under a cut

the tl;dr is: work on student films especially while you are still a student yourself; join facebook groups for productions/crew calls in your city; most people's entry into the industry is as a production assistant; befriend as many people as you can and make sure they all know what your specific ambitions are, so that when those opportunities come up you'll be the first person on their mind

I'll be honest, I studied screenwriting in college but I never took a single film production class and technically my degree is in "liberal arts." I definitely didn't go to Film School and real talk I barely feel like I can even say I was a film STUDENT lmao

so regarding "what to study," I think getting a degree in media studies will suit you just fine and is probably better than what I left college with!

(this is maybe a little disingenuous, because at the end of my senior year I did have the opportunity to do an intensive program where I went through seven weeks of preproduction and six weeks of production on a feature film. so I technically did leave college with some on-set experience and something to put on my resume)

I don't know what crew positions you're interested in (if you wanna talk more about script supervising let me know!!), but for like 99% of on-set positions, being a production assistant is a GREAT way to start out. the vast majority of people start out PAing and transition to other departments from there. every production is always looking for good, reliable PAs. sometimes it's a "you gotta have experience to get experience" kind of thing, but more often than not (ESPECIALLY in the low-budget indie world) producers will be willing to take a chance on a rookie because they could use all the help they can get, and because they pretty much all started out on the bottom as PAs, too. and if you're a PA who can drive (esp trucks but literally anything honestly) then you'll be even MORE valuable

now don't get me wrong, PAing sucks. I know a couple people who like it but I've always hated it. you're the first one on set and the last one to leave, you do a lot of odd jobs and gruntwork (so many folding tables. oh the number of tables I have unfolded). a couple times I was sent out to wait outside a dunkin donuts at 5 am so I could get the director an iced coffee as soon as they opened. you have absolutely no authority, BUT it's still your responsibility to make sure that everyone stays quiet during takes, the actors get out of wardrobe at the right time, etc. it's a lot! it's a lot and it's exhausting and it's THANKLESS work. but it's necessary work, which means there is always need for people who will do it

once you're there, befriend as many people as humanly possible. talk to all of them about your goals. if they like you, they'll remember you, and the likelihood they'll call you for the next gig increases exponentially

as for getting The First Job, though, there are film production facebook groups for every major city I can think of, and they are FULL of people posting jobs, as well as just networking and asking for advice and just chatting with other people in the industry

student films especially are a great way to get on-set experience and just add credits to your resume (trust me nobody will check them, they'll just want to see that you have any credits at all; my resume is full of five-minute shorts my friends produced that will never see the light of day). unfortunately 99.9% of the time they're unpaid, and I do NOT recommend working for free, but I understand that sometimes it's all you can do. (personally I only work for free for my friends, and only a select few of my friends, but it took a while before I felt confident enough to set that boundary for myself.)

now, while you're still in school, is a GREAT time to knock out some shorts and start building your credits. it's hard if you're studying remotely right now, but if you're on campus then ask around, ask your professors, find out who's filming their short for x class or y thesis and ask if they need people on set helping out (because I guarantee you they do. they probably have one person on camera, maybe one more helping w lights, and if they're lucky they found a single person on earth interested in doing sound. they'll be sourcing their own costumes and props, actors will be doing their own hair and makeup, etc. their crews will be BARE BONES and they will love you for saying "I'm here to help, use me however you need")

it's bullshit but this really is an industry built on knowing someone who knows someone who knows someone, so the best thing you can do is to just befriend as many people as you possibly can. befriend your professors. befriend your fellow film students! (they may have connections that you don't, and more importantly you'll all be newbies entering the industry at the same time and you'll need each other. trust me on this. these people will be a resource you tap into again and again, especially if you're in a department a little less common than production or camera. I get recommended for a lot of gigs because for most of my friends, I'm the ONLY script supervisor they know.) befriend the people in these facebook groups! don't be afraid to ask them "hey, would you be willing to let me shadow you for a day?" most people remember what it's like to be just starting out and struggling to get your foot in the door. most people are willing to help if they can. if you meet one asshole, you met one asshole. there are so many more who are kind and generous and eager to help. I promise

I hope this is helpful to you and not. overwhelming lmao. I'm sorry it's a lot sldfsdf if you have more specific questions please let me know! film work is grueling and intense and frequently utter horseshit but I feel so honored and privileged to be able to do it (on some level for me it very much is a function of privilege), and if it's where your passion lies then I hope you create every opportunity you can to go after it

[swampgallows]

five things tag game: I was tagged by @kleia five things you’d find in my bag...

various meds

kandi

tampons

clif bar

lens wipes

five things you’d find in my room...

books

vinyl & turntables

beads

the vacuum (usually)

me

five of my favorite things...

monsters

when music goes to your ribs

laughing

im thinkin about it and i really like stickers

really good transitions in mixing

i know this is six but i feel like i have to mention a food here. i love fresh cookies but i also love chicken pot pie (just the one not the three)

five of my habits...

clenching jaw (does that count)

biting my nails even though i know i shouldnt but sometimes they fray

waking up and being on the computer til i pass out from exhaustion

swearing

i guess habits can be good things but i dont think i have any. being negative counts as a habit maybe

five things about my personality or traits that I like...

um. i usually speak my mind i guess. to my detriment

i try to be prepared when i go out. maybe it results in some overstuffed luggage but the majority of the time i end up bringing something that someone also needs

i have a fairly solid network of friends and i do my best to keep them despite my brain saying otherwise and sabotaging myself a lot

i am inquisitive and curious. i do my best to actually read articles and do research and stay informed, or not to take things at face value. i hope that i will always have this trait because i dont want to become an older person stuck in their ways. i always want to be evolving with the world (even though i struggle to keep up with very basic things, i want to at least be aware of how things are changing)

though i need to work on manifesting it in a less aggressive way i guess it’s good that i care a lot. i always want the best for people i care about so i get frustrated easily by obstacles but do my best to keep track of what i do have control over and make things the best they can be. i tend to get pretty overzealous though and i think i overstep into a “this is for your own good” kind of territory. i like to be efficient and solve problems but my bedside manner is abysmal (or i overextend myself and burn out). but it comes from a good place i guess? ugh 

five things I want for this year...

vaccine (my dad got the first shot at least!!)

to be able to see my friends again

i really want to finish salt the roads this year. like it’s been almost 5 years. cmon now. i hope i can get the inspiration and dedication to finish it.

a therapist. please god. please i just want a therapist so i can function again

the same thing ive been saying since 2019. not gonna say it again

thanks for taggin me. uhhh i guess @ubersaur @steblynkaagain @redwitchpanda  @nelfs  @lokaror youre my fifth now

you guys do survey stuff right? lol. whoever else wants to can go ahead of course. and tag me too if you do it!

[writingstruggles]

Ben Solo/Kylo Ren: a character analysis

OK, first things first: THIS ISN’T A STAN OR ANTI POST. This is a character study, and if you can’t handle this character getting impartial concrit, just don’t read. If, however, you don’t agree with some of the points I’m going to make and want to have a healthy discussion about it, then I’m all ears. I don’t think my opinion is the only valid one, so feel free to try and change my mind.

And second things second: I tried so hard to love the sequel trilogy, but when it became clear after TROS that the studio had no plan other than making money, it became very difficult. I’m aware that the main problem for all the characters is the lack of general planing in this whole mess of trilogy, so keep this always in mind while reading this post: the first problem of this character was that the studio didn’t even know what to do with him.

1. Does Ben Solo becoming Kylo Ren make sense?

I checked the comics to get his background better. He had a happy childhood traveling a lot with Han and Leia, but when she discovered about the First Order, she sent him to train with Luke while Han and Chewie ran undercover missions for her. This is important: up to this point, he had a good relationship with his family, even if he was already being pulled by the dark side of the Force. It was during his adolescence that he started to be really seduced by Snoke, hearing the voice he thought belonged to Darth Vader. After the Luke incident, he did explode the cabin and thought he had killed his uncle, but he was not the one who killed all the other students and destroyed the temple: that was Snoke’s thing. He did kill some of his fellow Jedi apprentices later on, though. So, his turning points were Luke’s treason and Snoke’s coordinated abduction. And I would like to point out: the Sith training involves torture and brainwashing, so the first wrong impression I would like to correct about this character is that he was not simply a dick and revolted teen who ran away to join a cult.

BUT, there are some huge problems here. The first one is that when you watch the movies, you don’t learn anything about that aside from Luke’s part. In the way he’s presented in TFA, he’s Leia and Han’s son who betrayed his family, destroyed his uncles’ dream and joined the dark side for no reason. OF COURSE half of the audience wouldn’t like him. That wouldn’t be a problem if they just wanted him to be a villain like Darth Vader was, but it’s very clear that there was a plan (at least for one director) to make him a supposedly redeemable character. And how can we sympathize with his character like that? Even after we get to know what Luke almost did, the next question is simple: ok, so why he didn’t go back to Han and Leia?

And here is the second huge problem: we learned that after Ben leaves Yavin IV, Luke vanished, and Han and Leia broke up and went back to smuggling/leading a rebellion. And I can’t stress this enough, this doesn’t make any sense. The sequel trilogy killed Luke, Han, and Leia’s characters. These three characters that we have known for years would never, ever, had abandoned Ben Solo. Leia F*cking Organa and Han shot-first Solo would have brought their son back or die trying. Luke Skywalker is not a coward, he wouldn’t go into hiding and abandoned his only sister to clean up his mess during another war, let alone close himself to the Force, knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to feel if she was in danger. Just remember Han risking his life to save Luke in Hoth; or Leia leaving the rebellion to rescue Han from Jabba; or Luke straight-up disobeying ghost Obi-Wan and ghost Yoda to save Han and Leia, even if that costed the war. They were older and different, for sure, but we are talking about the quintessential things, the things that make these beloved characters themselves.  

(THIS ^^. This right here is the spirit of Star Wars)

So no, in the way it was done in the movies, Ben Solo becoming Kylo Ren doesn’t make sense to the audience, and that’s a huge problem. A friend of mine suggested once that instead of being a rip-off of ANH, TFA should have been a movie about the beginning of the First Order (because after we defeat the Empire on episode VI, episode VII starting with ANOTHER all-powerful evil government already dominating the galaxy and exploding planets just throws away all the previous movies’ efforts) and about how Ben Solo becomes Kylo Ren. Just imagine if Rey, Finn and Poe had interacted with Ben Solo before he becomes evil: the stakes would have been so much higher, and it could have been well done. It would have made this character more human and likable.

2. Kylo Ren’s motivations: what does he want?

If the OT was about hope, I think we can agree that the ST’s themes are legacy and belonging. Having their protagonists, Rey and Ben/Kylo representing two apposite sides of those things was one of the best ideas for the new saga.  Rey looks for belonging in the past she doesn’t know, while Kylo wants to abandon Ben Solo’s past and find his place in his future as Kylo Ren.

In that sense, his character arc was somehow solid. In TFA, it’s clear he’s still struggling with the dark side and feels the temptation of the light: he loses control easily, and he’s not doing anything unless Snoke orders him to. Ok, but why? Why is he clinging to Darth Vader’s ideals and staying in the sith path? Basically because he thinks it’s too late, and he has no other options. Which brings us back to the problem with Han and Leia: his parents didn’t go after him, they chose to go back to their old lives – of course he would think there’s no going back for him now. “But he is an adult man and could make his own decisions.” It’s a fair point, but again: sith training corrupts you and even if he had escaped, the only thing that would happen would be Snoke finding him again. It’s kinda like leaving an addiction: you supposedly can do it by yourself, but it is so much easier if you have help. Not a simple promise or offer, but actual, constant, and present help. I can not stress this enough, but I insist that one of the main problems with the sequel trilogy was not explaining in a satisfactory way HOW and WHY he turned to the dark side and stayed there.

3. Han Solo

Okay, I will admit: maybe my opinion on this specific topic is biased, because Han Solo is my favorite SW character. You may call me out as a fangirl if you don’t agree, but my point is: making Kylo Ren kill Han Solo was a bad idea. They basically killed the character for half of the audience, with zero chance of redemption.

It’s because it’s fratricide. Unless your father is Satan, the Emperor, or someone as equally villainous, fratricide is just that bad. It’s not easy to redeem a character who commits murder, but one that kills his own father? Who happens to be one of the good guys? And one of the most iconic and beloved characters in the franchise? There were other options to give Kylo Ren a tipping point, a conflicted moment that didn’t involve killing Han Solo. But they did, and he killed him. And now he’s no longer a villain we can sympathize with: now we think he’s a monster.

4. His interactions with Rey in TLJ

(I’m not wearing shipper goggles for this. I don’t even own shipper goggles when we are talking about Star Wars.)

Kylo Ren is conflicted after killing Han Solo, (and I will make a small pause here to reinforce how good Adam Driver’s acting was. He’s the only responsible for all the likable parts of Kylo Ren, especially in this movie). Kylo is once again unstable and Snoke is displeased with him, and for a moment we think he finally turned completely to the dark side, until he pauses before shooting Leia’s ship.

The force bond was the most interesting part of the movie. I don’t agree that he used it to manipulate Rey: if anything, he was completely harsh and blunt and kind of a dick to her, but he didn’t lie. He told her things how he saw it, with so much conviction that she started to see his side of the story. And since she was probably the first person in years that actually listened to him, his decision of murdering Snoke and inviting her to join the dark side makes very much sense.

We are talking about motivations and his are simple: let the past die, forge a new path. When he kills Snoke and no longer has a master, he only has one option: to become the master. That’s why he takes over the FO, and wants Rey to be his apprentice. Does the character suffer from sith-tunnel-vision? Definitely. But it makes sense. His decision-making is not overly complicated: he feels alone, and he wants a purpose: he decides that the solution for both is Rey joining him in the dark side. When she refuses, he still has one purpose: the FO.

This is, however, the point where he turns his back to the light completely: on Crait, he orders the FO to explode the Rebel Base and kill everyone, knowing full well his mother was in there. He orders them to exploded the Falcon out of the sky, once again knowing that Chewie and Rey are on board. When facing Luke, he repeats that he will kill Rey and the rebels. His transition from conflicted sith apprentice to the new villain of the franchise was actually well done.

And exactly because of that, the next topic pisses me off so much.

5. The continuity problem between episodes VIII and IX

Introducing Palpatine here was bad for so many reasons: backtracking Rey’s arc, making us think about Palps’ sex life, insisting on beating a literal dead horse when there were new things to explore, etc etc. And it was also bad for Kylo Ren’ arc. As I said before, the way they finished episode VIII, everything pointed to Kylo becoming the final evil Rey would have to face, and that would have been awesome. We didn’t need Palps, or ANOTHER all-powerful evil army ready to conquer the galaxy with exploding-planets-tech (seriously, is Alderaan a joke to you, Disn*y?).

  But, in the third movie, they went back and decided they didn’t want Kylo Ren to be the ultimate villain anymore. They wanted him to be redeemed. And that’s not bad per se, but an actual redemption arc needs to be planned, and I think we can all agree, there was no planning in the sequels. And again, FRATRICIDE. So they introduced an old, more powerful evil to make Kylo Ren less evil and less of a threat in comparison. And evil so definitive, and with such a bullshit connection to Rey, that it makes Kylo reconsider his previous promises of killing the last jedi and going back to the plan of making her turn.

And so, his character spends the movie going after Rey, to tell her the bullshit truth about her parents, to convince her to join him. At least his arc is still somehow solid, because once he’s decided on his path, he doesn’t lose control like in the previous movies, and his body language is more firm and lethal. Which, honestly, thanks Adam Driver, he knew the character way better than the director at this point.

He finally comes back to the light when Leia dies. Although it was rushed, I agree that, at that point, it was literally the only thing that could have made him turn. Rey reminding him that he wouldn’t be alone if he hadn’t chosen the dark side helped, too. It was clear that the moment with Han Solo was supposed to be with Leia, but I’m really glad Harrison Ford agreed to come back to fill in the role for his old friend.

6. Ben Solo

Okay, there’s so much to unpack here. When Ben Solo finally comes out to play, it’s very good. We can finally see some things that explain Kylo Ren better – it’s so obvious how awkward he was in his own body trying to be an evil sith lord when he is clearly a natural disaster. He still suffers from tunnel vision, but at least now it’s Skywalker-do-or-die tunnel vision. It’s like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, and the way his actions scream Han Solo makes me, once again, wish the first movie had been about him, and not the whole “find a map/ Star Killer base was ANOTHER ridiculous idea / I know R2’s alignment is chaotic bastard but COME ON”.

Star Wars has a notorious story with pulling Force powers out of nowhere, and I’m not going to pretend to be an expert in SW lore, so I won’t complain about the dyad thing (and the weird stuff with the light sabers). I honestly liked the concept. There’s a lot I have to say about the final battle against Palpatine, but I think it would fit better in a future character study about Rey (God, that’s going to be another long ass post). I just want to add that after Luke insisted on her taking both light sabers to Exegol, and after all the crazy stuff Ben did to get to her, they should have, you know, actually fought side by side against 85% dead Palpatine? Aren’t these two idiots supposed to be stronger than that?? I’m not complaining about Rey bringing him down “alone” since she is the protagonist yada yada, I just wished that Ben had done something, instead of being thrown into a hole.

(Palps did that out of spite because of his grandfather? I bet he did.)

I won’t say I didn’t cry hearing the voices of the past jedi talking to Rey, because I definitely did. If anything, it was great to see so many beloved actors getting a chance to honor such iconic characters. But are you freaking shitting on us? Where were ANY of those assholes when Luke, Leia and Ben needed them, like, ten years ago?? “Well, force ghosts should not be used as ex machinas, and they don’t see the future” Tell that to episodes IV, V and VI. Anakin, Obi Wan and Yoda can show up for Vader weird funeral/party with ewoks but they can’t send a jedi signal for the Skywalkers to warn them about Sith bullshit about to happen? “They were probably ahead in the world the comes next and they didn’t have a way to come back, they just talked to Rey because Exegol is a Force nexus and-” And so is Ach-To. And so is Yavin IV. And so is Dagoba (Yes, Snoke sent Ben there for training). Look, I have no problems with Force Ghosts, I love them bastards. I’m just so freaking mad with the lack of coherence in this trilogy. If they did not talk to the Skywalkers – and I’m sure at least Luke and Ben asked Obi Wan/Anakin to show themselves A LOT – they should not have talked to Rey. It was a crowd please moment, for sure, but it was another gigantic middle finger to Ben Solo (before he becomes Kylo Ren).

And then Rey died, and Ben brings her back. I know how many funny jokes are going around in the fandom about how resurrecting Qui-Gon or Padme would have saved the galaxy so much trouble, but again, I’m okay with that. It was previously established that since they were a dyad, they had this living Force between them (although it was rushed in the final like everything else). And it does make sense Ben doing that: he had just come back to the light, and his parents were both dead. Han and Leia were gone because of him, the last time he saw Chewie was as his captor, and before that, he got shot by him, etc, you get the idea. He had nothing else, only this: the chance to make it right by a person that genuinely cared for him. Exchanging his life for Rey’s was nothing: he knew that his family would be waiting for him in the world that comes after.

So, did I like the Bendemption? It. Was. Not. A. Redemption. It was the right choice, and it made things right between him and Rey, because she forgave him for everything. But that’s it. He did not face the consequence of any of his previous actions. “But he died for her!” And we just established that it was not a difficult choice, considering that he had literally no reasons to stay alive if Rey was dead. If you want to see an actual redemption arc, go watch Avatar the Legend of Aang.

And finally, the kiss and the death. Okay, I know I’m digging my own grave by addressing that, but my mama raised no coward. Here it goes: it was fan service, pure and simple. It’s there to make part of the fanbase happy. Good for you, reylos, but to us, not shippers, it came out of nowhere. And I’m not questioning if they had feelings for each other or not: I’m talking about pacing and characterization. I’m not 100% convinced that Rey, as a character, as she was presented to us so far, would have done that. It felt out of place, and it broke the immersion of the scene. I was emotionally invested on what was going on, I was happy to see Ben smiling at her and everything, but then suddenly they were sucking faces and the “FAN SERVICE” alarm was so loud in my mind that I immediately lost interest. If they wanted that in the movie so much, there was probably a better way to do that.

It makes sense that Ben had to die to bring Rey back: one life for another and everything. I still think that, story-wise, it would have been better if none of them had died a ridiculous death, and Ben had faced the consequences of his actions as Kylo Ren, but okay, moving on.  The main problem here is what happens after he dies: nothing. Absolute-effing-nothing. He dies, he disappears – which, again, I won’t question because Leia was involved and Skywalkers do whatever they want with the Force and I’m no expert – but that’s it. Rey, the same Rey that had just jumped his bones fifteen seconds earlier, doesn’t even mourn him. She doesn’t cry, she doesn’t do anything for him in the end, she just goes to Tattooine because it makes sense to the Skywalker saga to end where it started. She sees more of those Force Ghosts who never appear when they freaking should and that’s it.

Why is it bad? Well, first, like it or not, Ben Solo/Kylo Ren was one of the main characters and he deserved an actual final. Finn and Poe too, but those are long posts for another day. And second, it makes the fan-service in that kiss scene more evident. You can’t have the girl kiss him and in the next scene act like it didn’t matter at all. “Ok, then it was a thank-you kiss and there were no real feelings of loved involved”. But that makes it worse, it would be even more completely out of character for Rey – who avoids physical contact with people on the regular – to just kiss someone as a thank-you. Do you see how the math does not compute? If she had feelings for him, and therefore kissed him, she should have mourned him. If anything, she should at least miss her other part of the dyad thing. And if she didn’t mourn him because she didn’t have actual feelings, then she should not have kissed him. A little consistency, it’s all I’m asking.

7. Conclusions (aka tl;dr)

He was a somehow consistent character, but the lack of plot for the sequels was a huge problem. If the trilogy had been about Ben Solo becomes Kylo Ren – Kylo Ren kills Snoke and becomes the real villain – Rey faces Kylo Ren and she either saves him or kills him, it would have been so much better than the mess the studio did.

His story in the comics is so much more complex than what it is shown in the movies, but what they did to Han, Leia and Luke was a crime.

It was clear that one director had a vision to give him a redemption, and the other to make him the ultimate villain.

Adam Driver did what he could to make this character solid and somehow likable, let’s thank him for that.

There was no reason to bring Palps back,

Rey’s actions in the final are contradictory,

He should have stayed alive to face the consequences of his actions,

and the studio is charged guilt for getting our hopes up just to crush them with their lack of interest in doing something descent for the fans.

But again, that’s just my analysis of this character. Feel free to disagree with me, I would love to see what other people think about Ben Solo/Kylo Ren.

[daily-rubbersoul-redux]

who hurt you man? Like, mentally, we know who attacked you physically. Did you get bullied? Made fun of? Who are the other people you're trying to prove yourself to? baseball boy?

ok so i know this ask was sent yknow for a character response, but as it’s very hard to write in character for the issue im trying to without making it seem like an outside issue (which it kind of is, but thats not the core of the problem) i’m just gonna explain it here bc it’s something i struggled with alot in late middle school and early highschool.

the real problem is completely self inflicted.  not consciously, of course but... its setting unrealistic expectations for yourself, and it can impact people’s mindsets and actions alot, especially if they are suddenly underperforming those expectations due to things out of their control.

(putting then rest under a cut bc it gets kinda personal, and while i know other people have been through much worse it still is something that hurt me for a while)

and sometimes little harmless comments made by friends or parents can make you feel as if you arent good enough, even if there wasnt any malicious intent there.  it’s something that hit me especially hard when i transitioned from 8th grade to 9th, as most of my schooling prior to highschool i didnt need to but in much effort to excel.  but, from 9th grade onwards i was in what i like to call nerd school (tldr ive been in college since 10th grade, which hasnt really helped the situtation but also has alot? idk man it’s wack).  and like.... i wasnt the best anymore, i would get grades lower than some of my friends, but like it was ok i was still getting all a’s.  until i got like 3 b’s second semester, and like... i felt like a failure honestly.  my mom wasnt mad at me or anything, just kinda disapointed, but I internalized that as me being a failure to her and not good enough.  now, my mom isnt very strict about my education.  I get away with so much procrastination, its not even funny.  really all she cares about is me getting a good education and a good job, since she never was able to get her degree and has stuggled with finding work recently because of that (even though she has nearly 40 years experience, but i digress).  but sometimes the comments she made, whether they be about what i wanted to do as a career (which i didnt know at the time) or how i spent my time mostly drawing or gaming, they just... got blown out of proportion in my mind.  i felt like i wasnt good enough, like i was worthless, which wasnt fun considering i had just come out of the mental hellscape that was my 8th grade year (tldr i was borderline depressed, had to go to therapy, and lost any and all social skills i had built up my whole life. not fun.).  as of now, i realize that setting unrealistic expectations for myself is well.... dumb.  but it does happen, and the tiniest things can make it so so much worse.  

so yeah, basically tldr: setting unrealistic expectations because of the praise you recive can make you fall into a really bad headspace when you inevitably start underperforming or get outshone, but your mind will always warp it to not be your fault, but the fault of those who make little insignificant comments about your performance.  and that is what nathan is struggling with.