#even though i only had one class | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kkyaka · 1 year ago

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I was actually in love with my outfit today

#even though i only had one class #i had been trying to make it work but couldnt lol #but today it was so good!#im so happy bro #🥝.rambles

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crybaby-bkg · 1 year ago

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cw: Bakugou dies but comes back to life, “comes back wrong” trope, implied fighting, angst

When Bakugou died, you’re not sure how you went on living. Grief had taken over your life, sat you in the passenger side while it cruised off the highway into icy waters. And even then, you couldn’t find the energy to drown.

It’s why there’s a sudden uptick of energy when you’re promised to have him back. Some top scientists contact you months after his death, tell you to hurry down to the headquarters labs, come and rejoice for what you’re about to witness. And you’re horrified, to say the least.

“This isn’t my husband.” Are your first words when you walk in, watch the figure on the other side of the glass examine its own hands. It looks like your husband but—but his hair isn’t the right shade of blond all over. His nose bridge had a slight bump after a scuffle with a villain. He had a scar on his hand but—but it never looked like it was to sew a pinky beside the other fingers.

“Is that really my husband?” You ask next in disbelief, slowly entering the room. Bakugou’s head snaps up, his eyes a little brighter than you remember but—they hold so much emotion. So much memory, so much panic, so much guilt.

“I left you.” He mutters, his voice raspy and ragged, and you wonder if it’ll always be like this now. It makes you cry a little harder than it should, but you only embrace each other. He’s cold and his shoulders don’t hold the same mass and his back doesn’t carry the same scars. There’s one, jagged and rough, running down his back, and you think, you think that’s where they slipped a new spine in.

“Welcome back home.” You tell him, weeks after meeting him again, new and not totally—Katsuki. He’s stiff and he doesn’t immediately take off his boots when he enters, and it worries you. Makes you think if you’ve just let a stranger into your home, one that has stolen your dead husbands face. Makes you wonder if he’ll be as loving as Katsuki once was, or if he’ll become your monster looming over you with the guilt of not being able to rest anymore.

“I’ve missed you so much.” You whisper against his mouth one night, a little while after he’s moved back. You don’t know why you lay under him, why you let him nestle himself inside of you, why you let him hold you against his chest. Katsuki always ran his hands over your cheeks and neck whenever he held you like this, but this…man, only holds himself up with his hands resting beside your head. It’s alien, how he looks at you, how his hips are methodically measured with every thrust, how he kisses you every 8 seconds. You wonder if he’s more robot than Frankenstein monster.

“Why did you come back to me like this?” You ask him one night, barricaded in the bathroom away from him. You can hear his sobs on the other side, his pleading to be let in. He tells you he never wanted to come back if he had to be like this, that he’s sorry, please let him in, he misses the warmth of your skin, he’s never been so cold before, he’s never liked the cold.

“Is this considered cheating?” You ask yourself aloud one night, when Bakugou is forced back to the lab when he becomes too…un-Bakugou. To sleep with a man that is your husband in every way but? Your husband has been dead for a year now, and yet you stroke the chin of the man that tries so hard to be him everyday, but fails so miserably at it every time.

“I’ll come back to you right this time.” Bakugou promises to you when he’s strapped down to leave for the lab and before he’s sedated. But you don’t believe him—you never did. Your husband is dead, and this animated corpse has been nothing but a cheap mockery of everything you’ve lost and something you will never truly get back.

#I was writing this and then checked my dash and saw another post about this #and felt so guilty and almost didn’t post it aidjdkfj #but I love this trope too much to delete it!!!!!#I’ve written about this in my published book before and it’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever written #there’s just such a deep heartache about having to grieve someone #and then the grieving process being interrupted by the one you lost #and battling with their death even though you still look at them everyday again #but it’s just not right?? it’s not the same??#they have the same face (kinda) but it’s truly not hem #not them* heck #it reminds me of a convo I had in a psych class about making a new cloned version of yourself #where the question was ‘is the clone/new version still you? or are they an entirely new person now?’#and at first I said they’re still me you know? they have my face n body n memories #but my prof told me no!! after they have been cloned they are sentient and are now their own person making new memories apart from you #and I thought that was soooo interesting and it makes me fall in love w this trope every time #you’re my person but only a version. you’re who I love but a newer person. you’re not them. you’re everything I’ve missed about them #so heartbreaking I LOVE ITTTT #sorry I’m rapping it’s the sleep meds kicking in #okay bai #bakugou treats! 🍬#—new treat in the streets! 🍫

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skrunksthatwunk · 7 months ago

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actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.

he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.

a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).

but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.

and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.

he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.

and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal

#i had a really big fundie snark phase a year or two ago so that's part of like. this. but im still not used to actually talking about #religious stuff so if it reads kinda awkwardly uhh forgive me orz idk #maybe it sounds dumb but i like that the message isn't 'religion is evil'. it easily could have been. but i think the show's points about #how fundie wasp culture in particular treats christianity and itself and others would be less poignant if they were like. and jesus sucks #btw >:] like. this feels more nuanced to me. i guess there's probably a way to maintain that nuance with an ultimately anti-christian #piece of media but i think it'd be like. wayy harder and it's difficult for me to imagine that bc i think a lot of it would bleed out into #the tone. + why focus on only These christians when They're All also bad? so you'd get jokes about them in general #and i think that's kinda less funny than orel and doughy screaming and running from catholics lsdkjfldksj #i think the specificity makes it more unique and compelling as comedy and as commentary. but that's just me #like moralton represents a very particular kind of christian community (namely a middle class fundie wasp nest)#you're not gonna be able to get in the weeds as much if you're laughing at/criticizing all christians. but they accomplish it so thoroughly #and WELL in morel and i think that's because it chose a smaller target it can get to dissect more intimately. anyway #moral orel #orel puppington #(OH also when i say wasp here i mean WASP the acronym. as in white anglo-saxon protestsant. in case the term's new to anyone <3)#maybe it's also relevant to say that i'm kindaaaaaaaa loosely vaguely nonspecifically christian. so there's my bias revealed #i was never raised like orel but i like to think i get some of what's going on in there y'know. in that big autistic head of his #but it's not like i can't handle anti-christian/anti-religious media/takes. i'm a big boy and also i v much get why it's out there yknow #christianity in specific has a lot of blood on its hands from its own members and from outsiders and people have a right to hate it for tha #but religion in all its forms can be positive and i appreciate the nuance. like i've said around 20 times. yeah :) <3 #(<- fighting for my life to explain things even though my one job is to be the explainer)

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dawnthefluffyduck · 4 months ago

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I think i doubt my ability to work faster under stress too much

#classwork #banana yoshimoto #kitchen #so much for lurking #sorry i just like how these turned out haha; this was one of the things that was bothering me so it feels nice to have it done #i don't like the second one as much as the first one but it *is* empty on purpose... metaphors and stuff #this is for my capstone; it's our only art assignment we'll have for the whole semester (intimidating)#we had two options for what to do depending on what kind of focus we've placed on our work #people who were focusing on content for studio work had to make something that represented themself as an artist #people like me who focus more on technique and meeting task requirements had to depict something based on... any... literature #so i took a middle ground and did two page inserts for a book that's important to me #i actually wanted to do only one really detailed insert but my prof wanted two so i had to divide my time #and also read the whole book again which left less time for the actual drawing #crying bc the dropbox for this closed five minutes before I got this done #even though this technically isn't due until the beginning of class tomorrow #it'll be fine since i'm bringing the files to class via USB anyway but it'd be nice to have it submitted so it could leave my conscious lol #uh i also have to type up something for this so i shall do that now #night night

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outlying-hyppocrate · 5 months ago

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MY SCHOOL SCHEDULE ABSOLUTELY FUCKS????????

#random thoughts #I BARELY HAVE CLASS ON WEDNESDAY AT ALL. JUST ART FROM 1PM-3PM. ASTOUNDING #AND I ONLY EVER START AT 8AM ON MONDAYS. AUGH I FUCKING LOVE MY LYCÉE THANK YOU FOR CHANGING.#also just had the most wonderful time out with friends. went to buy lots of lovely drinks and such #then we sat in front of the church and talked a bit. it was quite nice [:#home now!! one friend has gifted me a bubble wand and a grape-flavored mogu mogu. amazing.#i feel better than i have in weeks. like i'm opening a whole new chapter in life. so warm and filled with life <3 #even though my stomach suffers presently. a chronic tragedy.

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anonymolly · 1 month ago

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#one of my silly little goals this year is to talk more about my accomplishments even though they aren’t super recent #I’m tired of resigning myself to being a burnt out former gifted kid. I studied at Oxford for a term.#I taught a college class. I TA’d for two other college classes. and volunteer TA’d for the department’s hardest course offering #because I was already being used as a TA that semester for a different class and the professor still wanted someone to run review sessions #I had professors fighting over me to do work and research for them! I had departments fighting over me! I did summer research!#I was the first person in my department in nearly a decade to ask to do a senior thesis. for fun.#I ran programs and clubs and I was a writing tutor for the writing center AND the resume lab/career center #I was the only person in my writing professor’s tenure to earn a 100 on my research paper for that stupid fucking class #in high school I was second in my class and did it while writing one-act plays for production and doing district choirs and acting #I’m so so so tired of beating myself up and falling to my knees and doing penance for the past 4 years.#I fumbled some stuff at the start of my 20’s. I’m an adult with ADHD that no one clocked while I was growing up.#I was supposed to go to St Andrews for an MLitt and then the pandemic happened and I had to withdraw.#I just need to get over it and stop agonizing over every misstep I’ve made since college #otherwise I’m never going to make it out of my 20’s alive #so yeah. for those of you who don’t know! I am a silly cumdrunk braindead good girl PART-TIME #the rest of the time I’m clawing my way back to the high standards I set for myself from first grade onward #my stuff #ignore me i’m rambling

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microwaving-tesilid-argente · 3 months ago

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hesphael makes me so gngnggnghhhh because on the surface ephael is the stupid and boisterous one, and hestio is the sullen and serious guy with common sense and who keeps ephael in line. And then you peel them back a little and you realise that actually they're both fun-loving little guys - both hestio and ephael will gang up on their nearest victim (tesilid/ash) with lots of cheer. And then you peel back them even more and you realise that actually, much more than Hestio putting up with Ephael's careless attitude, Hestio is the super prissy fussy princess and everyone around him are the ones who are indulging him. And at the same time, Ephael is actually generally very level-headed and calm, and there's been multiple instances of him holding Hestio back. And that in a world where aura users are quite rare, Ephael is a advanced aura user while Hestio is a weak fragile supporter who yells "Hey Ephael!!! Take better care of your delicate supporter!!" with zero shame. Ephael may be the one who's always getting scolded and snarked at by Hestio, but he's definitely the one who's in charge of making sure Hestio doesn't accidentally kill himself. Do you get it do you get it.

#a transmigrator's privilege #the perks of being an s class heroine #hesphael #EPHAEL'S GAPPPP #guy who is presented as loud cheerful always smiling and boisterous and a little stupid #but who is. when you look carefully. actually pretty quiet and calm and literally always watching #SHAKES HIM DOWNNNNN #i wish hesphael were more prominent characters SO BAD #canon is so tesi/lette focused that even though hestio and ephael are so much fun.#theres literally no chance of them getting the development that they hv the potential for #anw ephael simultaneously being the silliest guy in this story barring ailette and also #the guy who would be the first kill everyone in the room and then himself #he has as much range as tesilid himself and he didnt have to go through all those regressions first. guy came out the womb like that #(jk tesilid alr had a lot of depth when he was first introduced in the toy mansion arc as well)#(the 'why am i the only one who has to do this' and 'youre not anyone special. you dont have to sacrifice yourself.' my beloveds!!!!!)#(tesilid is the childhood era ML with the most depth i swear. he felt like a real little kid)

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roaringroa · 4 months ago

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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end

#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask #december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery #and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc #and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh #every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night #oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes #and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester #and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu #oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well #and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also #pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc #so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal #honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know #like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc #but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated #also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm #is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is #incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship #so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year #at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately #i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new #my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper #and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been #like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare #idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling #and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa

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moon-jellie · 2 months ago

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Liveblogging from mandatory resume workshop!: I need to be sedated

#I'm so freaking tired dude and I forgot I had to do this today #I've needed to cry for the last hour and a half but not a choice I suppose!#starting to realize that I've stumbled into the freshman dilemma again...are these people really my friends or do I just see them regularly #feel a great disconnect from the class I was most in love with at the beginning of the semester #don't have a relaxing weekend until the after the last day of classes #imposing myself on my acquaintances again because I just assume the world revolves around me #it didn't last weekend? my bad sorry for being annoying about it then. surely it will next weekend though!#___ remains an obligation albeit a fun one (but isn't everything)#& bless my acquaintances' hearts for trying to help me figure out my party planning but I'm not so sure I even want you guys there!#I'm actually getting nervous about this I feel like it could result in a judgmental affair...but only if x y and z are there!#mj has feelings

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mareastrorum · 2 months ago

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Brevyn isn’t a D&D goliath blood hunter. She’s a WoW Kul Tiran enhancement shaman.

D&D Blood Hunters:

Are a martial class with the crimson rite ability to spill their own blood to temporarily enhance weapons with cold, fire, lightning, necrotic, psychic, thunder, or radiant damage (there is no rock/earth/lava version)

Don’t use fist weapons because D&D has no such weapon category (requires homebrewing, or just unarmed strikes, which generally suck for every class but monks or BH lycans)

Some subclasses have limited self-healing (Ghostslayer rite revival, Lycan regeneration, Mutant reconstruction mutagen), but only the Profane Soul subclass with a celestial pact can heal others with blood maledicts

Can be goliaths, which is a D&D race of humanoids distantly related to giants (implying they are more human than giant) that have skin reminiscent of stone.

WoW Enhancement Shamans:

Are a melee specialization that, along with the other shamans, have/had the ability to enhance weapons with fire, water, earth (which went through multiple iterations before ultimately being removed from the game in 2020, but still exists in WoW Classic), or wind at no cost

Can use fist weapons, including an iconic set that is literally molten lava fists (player characters can use this appearance as long as they have previously looted the item, so this has been a popular farm drop for shamans for more than a decade)

Always have access to a standard healing spell that can be used on others despite being primarily a DPS subclass

Because WoW has race/class restrictions, the only humans who can be shamans must be Kul Tiran (human, but Bigger), a race which was first added to the game in 2018 and playable in 2019 (when Madeleine Roux played the game (especially Classic) to immerse in the lore while writing a WoW novel, which featured several shaman characters, but none of which were Kul Tiran)

Here's a picture of the in-game item:

Man, that sure looks like molten lava claws wrapped around fists, just like the names of the twin weapons: Fist of Molten Fury and Claw of Molten Fury.

Brevyn:

Spilled blood so that "[h]ard, black stone rippling with molten fire formed around her hands"

Otherwise used bare fists instead of a standard D&D weapon

Healed other characters and had no reference to a patron or Profane Soul abilities at any point in the novel

Was a “half-goliath” with normal skin, as opposed to a D&D goliath, implying even less giant ancestry than a typical goliath (human, but Bigger)

The only thing suggesting that Brevyn isn’t a WoW shaman is that she didn’t self-rez, but you know what? Skill issue.

#no main tags #because this is somewhere between a shitpost and criticism #not sure how far along that spectrum though #this post inspired by me listening to my old WoW boss battle playlists and thinking oh I miss my enh shaman #it was so fun to beat the tar out of bosses with those ridiculous lava fis— WAIT A MINUTE #like #what was madeleine roux thinking?#oh man I gotta be careful not to infringe WotC’s IP because we didn’t license anything for this book #so i gotta use different terms for all the races and classes and abilities #but I could totally use stuff from an Activision-Blizzard IP instead even though it has nothing to do with this media #they won't mind because i wrote a book for them under a completely separate contract #surely no one will notice anyway #that’s way better than engaging with the source material copyrighted by critical role #after all then I’d have to learn something new #and the last time I wrote about this red-eyed dead person bound to an apocalyptic-minded Big Bad #the only blonde blue-eyed white women weren’t my OCs #I had to write about all these monstrous races who were stand ins for minorities instead #now’s my chance!

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stemacademics · 4 months ago

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small update

ok so um I got my number theory paper today, and the TA had cut marks for me because i left the answer at 66^2 and not 4356 (fermat's little theorem) 😔 I even wrote the full proof

my friend told me I should mail the TA about this, I got 14/20 and should be getting 17or18/20 😔

scores aside, number theory is so much fun, so much fun. the only good thing here is that I know the concepts well, and I fully knew the paper (still fucked it up, because I'm so frickin slow while writing and time). and it hurts worse because there's not enough proof that validates my knowledge. which in turn makes me question if i actually do have any.

I am, in general, a person who does well in concepts but screws up the exams (70% of the time) and I'm trying, I'm trying to get myself out of this "exam paniK" that I often spiral into, just minutes before the exam. I hope I change and grow; I hope, I hope.

#im so sorry for this meltdown once again #so sorry #and for the paper - many people got 20 #it was actually a very easy paper and yes 20 was doable #even i could've gotten a 20 had i not screwed up the way i did #and i feel so bad to even say “had i not screwed up...” the excuse sounds horrible to my ears #well what is done is done #i can only try better next time #this course might just end up being the easiest to get an A #let's hope that I don't fuck up this one too #after seeing my paper i just returned it and came back #and my friend was like “ok. why did u not ask them why you've lost so much when the concepts are all right there on your paper?”#and i was like “um so should i ask them?” she went “YES.”#but by the time i went back to the hall the TAs had left so i have to mail mine now #and im very worried that she wouldn't change the current grading #last time i missed an A in math by 1/2 marks and i don't want the same thing to happen this time 😔😔#oh god ONE good thing can help me right now please #ru's trying #JUST 1 good thing #just give me ONE #i was so out of sorts today i slept for ~5 hours during the day and missed my calc class #i deliberately missed it though bc i wasn't feeling up to mark #i regret not going but my brain simply said no we're not there atm so maybe it was for the better #once again im so so SO sorry for the meltdowns lately #it's been bad rains and cloudy days in my head for a while now #i hope for the sun soon

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autisticlee · 8 months ago

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sometimes I think about how when I went to college for a year before I dropped out (basically failed out,) the counselors/dean told me they can't help me at all or give any accommodations unless I have an official autism/adhd diagnosis. that might sound logical at first, but when you think about it more, it's actually quite fucked up. if someone is struggling really bad, what's the harm in helping them? why do they require a paper to get even the smallest amount of help? people who don't need help aren't going to be failing miserably without help! even NTs could benefit from some adjustments to the horrible school system! (but changing the entire system is a whole other conversation that the school system isnt ready for)

but even if you do agree to jump through their hoops, you realize it's even more fucked up that the diagnosis process requires YEARS in most cases (in my case it took 4 or 5 years, can't recall exactly now, for autism/adhd diagnosis, which would have meant i finished school before getting it if i managed to mot fail out, or i wait that long before going back, which is a whole struggle itself) and they also tried billing me for THOUSANDS of dollars because of insurance issues!!

so you put a ton of time and money into this, and then get told the only accommodation they are willing to give you for autism and adhd is "a little extra time on tests"

....

my test scores were the best part of my whole class experience. that was NOT what I struggled with!!!!! those tests were all online and could be done in the comfort of your home where you can accommodate yourself and have plenty of time left over when you finish them because you are comfy in your own space, (and also, no one was stopping you from having your notes/books/google open to find the answers,) and you don't even need a time consuming, expensive diagnosis for that!

SO WHAT'S THE POINT!!!!!!!

#mind you this was over 10 years ago now. it *could* have gotten better but id be extremely shocked if it has #autistic #autism #actually autistic #adhd #neurodivergent #audhd #school #school problems #yes i know theres rules or maybe even laws for this and its why they are like this but its bad and should change #if they offered smaller classes with less sensory overloading bullshit and other things i needed it would be great!#but they refuse to accommodate your actual needs and make up useless accommodations to legally say they help disabilities #ND people (not just audhd) and other disabled people that graduate with no useful accommodations are so strong and cool. proud of you!#ones who had to drop you youre also cool for not dealing with their bullshit snd allowing yourself to not suffer for a sheet of paper!#(though i know it can feel bad when everyone around you makes you feel bad for needed to drop out or failing out and not going back)#i completely stopped going to my psychology class because i started a week late due to scheduling issues and #suddenly we are told theres a paper due in 3 days and need to hse the textbook i didnt have yet as the source for it all #and it was in the syllabus i didnt get because i was a week late and didnt know we got one. the professor didnt notice me out of #the 100 other students in that large lecture hall. that room was also a sensory nightmare hellscape #too many students made things noisy and distracting. multiple fluorescent lights were flickering constantly and never fixed #the professor used a mic to speak to us and it had a constant horrible loud buzzing. it did that loud mic screech noise randomly #without warning. all the time. the quality of the sound was horrible so it was hard to understand her. on top of that she had a very thick #accent i wasnt familiar with so that on top of the horrible buzzing mkc quality that also cut her out constantly was auditory processing #disorder HELL. I dont know how ANYONE survived thst class but i seemed to be the only one struggling. everyone else turned in their papers #and i gave up and stopped going. was too late to drop the class to get my money back so i wasted probably a few thousand dollars #and THATS what i mean by give me reasonable and useful accommodation. test time would NOT make that class better at all #fix the mic and light issues at least or give me a smaller class with more attentive professor or something!#offer smaller classes for struggling disabled people! if the issue is not knowing who needs them then offer a switch to those struggling!#i got called onto a dean/counselor meeting because a professor noticed my horrible grades and stuff so its possible to catch us and help!#THESE SCHOOLS JUST NEED TO START BEING WILLING TO. dont make us do all the work to accommodate ourselves and expect to do well in school!

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definitelynotnia · 10 months ago

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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.