#even though i KNOW that's not how it works. these ppl are genuinely offering me good wishes and i want me to succeed

[ahaura]

i've gone out driving twice today once with my mom and then my dad after he got off work. this time around i've only had 1 and a 1/2 days to prepare bec they had a cancellation and on one hand. i havent been driving lately so i feel a bit rusty but also maybe not being able to over-prepare is good? and since i only had less than 2 days warning my dad says it's no big deal if i dont pass but i WANT to pass and this time im exhausted and tired which is both better and worse. the good news is that my dad is able take part of tomorrow off so he can take me to my test.

[suhkusa]

EGOIST 13.

PAIRING. Atsumu Miya x f!Reader

CW. plot, feelings, comfort if you squint

A/N. uh oh

-> MASTERLIST.

The ride home is as silent as it was on the way there. You don’t bother trying to fake-sleep to avoid conversation, as conversation never bothered to occur.

Your eyes are locked on the window, watching as the colors of the outside blur together into one. 

It’s hard to reflect on what happened last night, because you don’t even know what came over you. You want to forget it all, but sadly, the one time where you wish you were drunk enough to forget, you weren’t. Which makes it all the more confusing, because you could’ve stopped it. You had enough awareness, control. You just didn’t.

You don’t like Atsumu. Not romantically anyways. Though, after his apology, it felt like you were finally ready to move past everything that occurred. No, you didn’t forgive him, but there was too much on your mind to dwell on things that occurred in high school or months ago. 

Cordial and mutual was all you were willing to offer Atsumu. At least until last night. Boundaries that shouldn’t have been crossed, were definitely crossed. And you’d have to make a mental note to not let that occur again.

The car finally pulls up to the Jackal’s facility. The boys are in the middle of practice when the two of you walk in. You’re greeted by many questions and smiles. You can cry at how happy you are to be back home in familiar territory.

“Y/N,” Coach Foster intervenes with a welcoming smile, “We’ll talk about how the experience was later, but for now I need you to run some errands,”

You smile nervously before grabbing a clipboard from your bag, back to work you go.

———

You’re exhausted when practice ends. Having to come back from a two day trip and get back straight to work definitely took a toll on you. You gather the notes you’ve taken from the videos and leave your office before dropping by Foster’s.

“Here ya go, Coach,” you smile.

“Thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he replies before getting back to clicking on his computer.

You wave goodbye before closing the door and exiting. 

“Y/N!” A voice calls. 

You weren’t so sure if you were really ready to talk to Atsumu, but you had no choice now.

“Hey,” you greet, tugging your bag to readjust it onto your shoulder.

“I’ll walk you out,”

“No, you don’t have to-” 

“I insist,” he smiles. 

You give him a slight nod before going on your way, him right beside you.

“I’m sorry about last night, I know you were drunk but I don’t want shit to be weird between us or anything,” Atsumu says with a genuine tone.

“No yeah, it’s alright. We can put it past us,” you want to put it past you, “don’t worry about it,”

Atsumu nods at that.

The rest of the way is silent but somewhat comforting. When the two of you get to your car, he helps you load your bags in.

“I’m sorry about what happened with Gora,” he catches you off guard with that, “if you ever need to talk to anyone about it, I’m here,”

“Oh, alright. Thanks,” is all you manage to work out, albeit awkward.

He waves you off as you enter your car and drive back home. 

It felt like there was so much your brain had to unpack. But so little you actually wanted to think about. 

You were on autopilot on the way home, you only snapped out of your head when you reached your parking spot. 

Hauling all your bags into your place, you let out an overdue sigh before collapsing onto your couch. Your body nearly melted into the cushion. It was only 2 or 3 days, but you’ve never been more happy to be home.

A ping from your phone interrupts your comfiness, you nearly curse whoever texted you until you realize it was Sakusa.

Kiyoomi [9:36]: how was the trip?

You [9:36]: it was okay, got to meet lots of ppl tho

Kiyoomi [9:38]: yeah i went last year, it’s not that fun

You [9:39]: no ya but i mean it was technically work for me so

Kiyoomi [9:39]: lol at least you weren’t at practice, it was hell

You [9:40]: really?? sucks ha

Kiyoomi [9:43]: mhm

You think back on the night with Atsumu. You wonder what it would’ve been like if instead of him, it was someone else-

Kiyoomi [9:47]: anyways ill see you tomorrow, goodnight

You were so lost in thought you forgot to respond, nonetheless you type out a quick goodnight text before turning your phone off. 

Gathering every bit of strength in your body, you muster up the energy to pull yourself up and make your way to your bedroom.

As the playoffs grow closer, you can feel anxiety pulling at your heart. There was nothing you could do except sleep it off and hope for the best. 

———

There was approximately one more week before the match that determined whether or not MSBY would make it to championships. During every practice, you could feel everyone on their toes. Tense and nervous.

Even so, it felt like Atsumu was staring at you way more than often. Way more. Even when you weren’t making eye contact, you could feel like there were holes being burnt into your head. Did he need to tell you something? Or was he just keen on making you feel uncomfortable?

After a couple practice rounds, the coach called for a water break. The boys gathered around you to grab their water bottles. 

You watched as they stood around and chattered, using towels to wipe off the sweat beads collecting on their foreheads.

“Y/N,” 

You turned around to find the voice who called you,

“Oh hey,” you greet the blonde.

“Did you get back home safely last night?” he asks before taking another big gulp of water.

“Mhm,” you turn back to your clipboard, remembering to take down some notes from the matches earlier.

“That’s good,” 

Before he’s able to continue with whatever he was going to say, Sakusa walks up to you.

“Were you able to catch anything wrong with the new technique I was using?” 

Turning your attention away from him, you went on to discuss with Kiyoomi what he needs to improve on, leaving Atsumu in the dust.

After that, he’d start to talk to you whatever chance he got. Even if it was a small “hey” or “thanks” in passing. Sometimes he’d get ballsy and start a full-blown conversation. 

If that wasn’t enough, he’d text you everyday, every night, whenever he possibly could. Whenever you’d answer at least.

It felt like whenever you’d try to put walls up between you and Atsumu, there was always something that brought them back down. And while you always told yourself that you’d never let him in, it began to feel like he somehow just broke in and made himself at home.

And while it happened against your will, it doesn’t feel like you want to complain about it.

© all writings belongs to suhkusa 2024. do not repost or change.

[helluva-shit-show]

So I was re-watching "Oops" grabbing some screenshots for a different rant when it occurred to me, damn, Striker really should not have been in this episode. I know it's not a hot-take, lots of ppl have said this already, but I mean even for the way the writers want the show to go, right down to tone, they really botched an opportunity. I'll let someone else talk about how Striker working with Crimson makes both antagonists so much less intimidating, right now I'm just gonna focus on the narrative so far, and unfortunately for a lot of critics of the main ship it's pushing, this will have a lot to do with Stolitz.

So when we first meet Striker, it's in "The Harvest Moon Festival". The episode starts with Stolas inviting Blitz and the gang to be his royal guests at said festival. Blitz makes him promise it's neither murder work nor a sex thing and Stolas agrees. This is (to the audience's knowledge) the first time Stolas has invited Blitz out to be seen together publicly without any strings attached. He's not being bought, he's not acting as a bodyguard, and he's not expected to bang anyone at the end of the day.

Blitz meets Striker, Striker boosts up Blitz's ego immediately, they enter the pain games together, split the win, have a general good time, and at some point off screen, Blitz offers Striker a job at I.M.P.

And then Blitz catches Striker trying to kill Stolas. He's pissed, but not as pissed as he gets when Striker almost causes him to shoot Moxxie.

Blitz bites the man and puts a hole through the wall during the fight. They really go at it, it's a pretty intense fight, and you can really feel the rage in Blitz during it.

Putting a pin in Stiker for a minute, let's skip to the next episode, "Truth Seekers" we get a peek into Blitz's headspace surrounding Stolas. He feels chained to Stolas, but through his expressions during the staircase climb, it feels like he wants it to be more than just transactional. Well, at the least, hopes it can be more. Stolas swoops in at the end of the episode and (not without belittling Blitz verbally) saves Blitz and the people he most cares about. And then Stolas asks for a "reward". This 100% highlights Blitz's torn feelings. Does he let himself believe the care is real, or is it just for sex at the end? Well...

He got his answer didn't he? Stolas doesn't stand up to Ozzie for him. He doesn't make a clear statement that Blitz is more than just a cheap lay. And that hurts.

At the end of the night Blitz can barely get the words out to set a boundary for himself.

The next time we see these two interact is in "Seeing Stars". Do we get to see the resolve of the night at Ozzie's? Nope. But something has clearly changed since then, bc not only does Blitz show genuine concern for Stolas and try to reassure him, at one point, briefly, he's even receptive to Stolas's flirting again.

Two episodes later, Striker is back. Blitz very much so has complicated feelings surrounding Stolas at this point, but he shows not just concern, but both fear and rage again at the thought of Striker harming Stolas.

One could definitely argue at this point that this is about his means to continue his business and source of income and that of his employees, but there is something to be said about him almost cancelling Loona's doctor appointment to go save the rotten owl. Loona is always Blitz's first priority, and though a single vaccine might seem small in comparison to a life, if it really took five years for an appointment, that could be his daughter's life as well, assuming "hellbies" is just rabies but it's in hell. He thought about it. He was ready to turn the car around when Millie and Moxxie stepped in.

And even though Striker got majorly character assassinated in the episode, he tore up Stolas really bad. Him and his angelic weapons do carry real stakes with them, however much they want to make him a joke character. (Again, such a waste of potential)

With the narrative we know the writers are going with, Blitz does care about Stolas. The realization he can get hurt is probably shocking and terrifying to Blitz. He'd probably both be angry with himself for not going, but getting to the original point, he'd probably be furious at Striker.

Now I know Helluva has a huge tone issue. Is it a comedy? A lot of the time, yeah. Is it a drama? There's definitely drama in it. Romance? Highly debatable. Horror? I mean, it does take place in literal hell, so. Action? It's mixed in there too.

Personally though, I would like to think that the next time Blitz saw Striker, he'd tear him to shreds. I'd think the tone would be on the more serious side. He's hurt Millie and Moxxie very badly in Harvest Moon, he's hurt Stolas to the point he was hospitalized, that's three of the four people Blitz is currently close with. Narratively speaking, Striker could easily be Blitz's main external antagonist. It works both from a more action based tone, but also if you want to push Stolitz, which we know they do. And yet...

He's just an irritation for Blitz.

He didn't need to be there, it could have just been Crimson and his sharks. Would it have felt weird having him be a stand alone villain again just 3 episodes after he was first introduced, sure. But not any weirder than Stella's personal hitman looking for work in Greed and just happening to find it with said Mafia boss.

I know this was a Blitz/Fizz episode, I get that, I'm not complaining about that, hell, it literally could have been just them figuring their shit out together. But that just makes it even more glaring that Striker shouldn't have been there. This wasn't about him, this wasn't for him.

He's cowboy themed, right? And he's given Blitz plenty of reason to beat the absolute shit out of him? After hurting Stolas like that, (narratively speaking) his next showdown with Blitz should have been some high noon duel shit. Blitz rocked the vest in Harvest Moon, just give him the duel revolvers and start counting steps.

[winged-cries]

Sorry if you've already talked about this before, but what do you think about the notion that horror is generally bad because it has a misogyny problem, and that exploitation / r&r films are problematic and the ppl who watch them are suspicious? i don't really know how to explain what i mean too well but i know you usually have very nuanced takes about this kind of thing 🤍

i think i understand what you mean, no worries 🖤

honestly i don't think horror has a greater misogyny problem than any other film genre, though how the problem presents itself may be different. it's maybe more blatant within horror but not necessarily worse. movies have a misogyny problem across all genres, i don't think horror is special in that. horror films do inspire some strong reactions though, so i can understand why it prompts more discussion in that vein.

rape & revenge is a particular case, and it's difficult to discuss. i have a lot of thoughts about it, but i find it hard to put it down in writing because they're not very cohesive. i actually did a little research and asked around for material about r&r because i wanted to give an informed opinion but i didn't find much. it'd be easier for me to discuss particular movies anyway, because i don't think i've explored the genre deeply enough.

there are some &r movies i really really love and i know some people watch them because they find the degradation of women titillating -- that upsets me but it doesn't stop me from enjoying or admiring the movie itself. some r&r movies are, in my opinion, really interesting and engaging and i'd go so far as to call them beautiful and thoughtful. of course for each of those you'll probably find a greater number of misogynistic drivel -- but i can't affirm that for sure because so much of my experience has been guided by what other women have watched, enjoyed and recommended, so i've probably avoided whatever didn't have much to offer. but then that's always really subjective -- for example, i don't care for i spit on your grave but my mom sort of loves it. i don't think her opinion is any less valid than mine, and i find opinions differ a lot when it comes to r&r.

i do have a question that i'd like to pose to you but also anyone else reading this, which is -- what you think of when you think of rape & revenge? do you consider only exploitation movies or do you also consider titles like the virgin spring or kuroneko? because of course there's a lot to be discussed about exploitation films, and how some directors managed to make genuinely interesting works while trying to remain commercial and please a certain audience. like, there are things in r&r exploitation films that i could do without but i can still admire the final result. but then sometimes i think of like, thriller: a cruel picture and how the pornographic scenes impact the movie in a way that i personally find interesting because it makes it all the more brutal, and the director really managed to make it all very non-erotic and even cold and distant... sort of going through the motions in a way that imo fits perfectly with what's going on.

but there's just so much to discuss about exploitation and about r&r specifically, a lot of my thoughts are not very cohesive or well informed. i'm curious to know how others feel about it, especially other women, and i'd love to discuss it more. but it's hard to give a solid opinion because i can see the matter through many different angles. like, of course the fact that r&r often targets a male audience while exploiting the suffering and degradation of women is a problem and reflective of a bigger one. but many r&r movies have genuine value and, more importantly, have real value to a lot women.

[whataboutsimple]

As the Gabriel loving anon you make a very good point about Gabriel offering his armour to Jesse instead of Magnus and Ellegaard and how while it would take a lot of time for the developers to figure it out (having the choices from saving Petra or Gabriel impacting the plot and what not which I imagine would be quite a hassle to program), it would really flesh out Gabriel more and we all know if given the chance Gabriel would have given his armour to Jesse not only to help but also to protect Ellegaard and Magnus by preventing them from giving up their armour.

At the same time though, would any of us be able to handle the angst of Gabriel dying as a result as Ellegaard, Magnus and Soren mourn the loss of their closest friend, the one whose the most genuinely heroic out of the entire order and Ivor later realising and discovering that his wither storm killed his friend Gabriel in his attempt to expose the truth?

YYYEEAH!! YOU'RE BACK! Welcom, dear Gabriel loving Anon:)

I'm gonna call you G

First of all: I would've probably close the game and cry if they really killed him, I was very emotional child (still emotional child lolz-)

Number two: yeah, but imagine the angst?? THE ANGST it would've been so tasty- not talking abt how it would raise his popularity in fandom, bc rn? He's just a guy who was with Order and that's all. Literally no personality outside of it and it makes me sad because the guy has potential to be a very good-working character and it doesn't even matter who you're going to pair him with and in which way - he works with everybody and with every dynamic!

As I said before: Gabriel is literally Jesse but from Original Order!

Believe it or not, but I DID some researches by pairing him up with almost every in-game character (not with new order, blaze rods, youtubers or games players for obvious reasons.. it kind of feels wrong even though I believe they all are grown ppl-) and he DOES goes perfectly with anyone-

"Hey Jack, you lost a friend? Me too! Let's grieve together, don't worry I got u" "Hadrian, you're evil, stop, ppl can die forever. Lemme just beat the sh!t out of you and than give you a second chance bc I know I can help you" "Yo, Reginald! Cool armor, want me to help you to fight monsters properly? C'mon bud, let's warm up" "Ooooh, Harper, great mechanism! Ellegaard did those to. Wanna tell me abt them a bit maybe? I can listen forever."

Just give me ANY character you can think of and I'll write a whole book abt how they can be together with Gabriel. Like friends, like couple, like enemies - doesn't matter!

The funniest thing abt his character is that he's been through a lot - he lied himself, he saw the death of his friends, he cares about people, he does hero stuff, he felt ashamed and proud. He's not perfect and so is his life, but that's the main reason why he's so flexible! We can turn him to any of the sides and we will find an in-game proofes that he can be on this side! He can behave like that and like that and that especcially!

There's so many timelines, AUs and pair in my head abt him that I have, but don't want to put it all here cause don't want to create too much cringe content- I'm trying to do Gabriel Propaganda and not Anti-Gabriel Propaganda.

Ahhh, anyway- I think I talk too much-

Hope you have good day/night, G!<3

[kendrixtermina]

Hello.

I stumbled across your blog whilst trying to ease my mind about the whole Rammstein situation. I really have given up trying to reason with it by myself, so I'm not here for that. What I do want is to perhaps share some feelings as someone who was also inspired by Rammstein.

You suggested that you felt embarrassed for having advocated for their work, and I feel the same. I spoke at length at their amazing word choice, the well-considered framing, and just the storytelling in general, and now it all feels very hollow. I feel like I was an idiot. I tell myself the works still stand on their own. That there is too much evidence and consistency across their catalogue to suggest this wasn't done with forethought. You are not foolish. You read it correctly. They did not approve of these things.

I like to think one can find the truth of another's values by looking through their words, but now I wonder if that was the belief used to fool me.

This whole situation is a mess. I don't know what I really came here for other than to level with someone who I believe understands what I feel. I guess, what I am asking is: how do you feel?

Well, I wrote that initial thing when I was still in shock & very much trying to err on the side of caution cause it's serious stuff that you don't want to take lightly. I wanted to honestly consider that it might be true and what that would mean.

Having looked into it & read a bunch of accounts by ppl who were actually at the parties on reddit & just trying to dig up what information is there from newspaper interviews etc, I do not, at present, think that anything worse transpired than Till consensually boinking a bunch of groupies & some other people being uncomfortable with that & filtering everything they saw through Fear Brain.

The accounts consistently portray him as asking before doing anything, backing away when someone says no, and even the ppl who had genuinely shitty experiences say they agreed to everything & that there was continuous communication.

I think at very least the spiking stuff is definitely not true. There was a rule of opening drinks in front of the guests for the entire backstage area so exceptions would have been noticed (unless the crew & the other band members were all in on it - not impossible but unlikely.)

Apparently it's pretty common for ppl to fear they've been spiked when they just had too much booze but the symptoms are actually pretty different - from what I've heard of ppl who were actually spiked you would feel super groggy/sick within 30 minutes and be completely unconscious or nearly so soon after, out like a light. You aren't continuing to sit there let alone walking home on your own - the perps often offer to drive you home or have some nearby room ready to do the deed in.

Part of me wonders how much of this is Neo-Puritans getting up in arms over adult women wanting to screw a creative, intelligent & charismatic person of their own free will even though he's got a few wrinkles. (which is why I'm grateful that Schneider's statement adressed the paternalism issue) But of course some people having positive experiences doesn't mean that everyone did.

So another part of me is still reserving judgement in that if the prosecutors turn up something to the contrary of that, I want to be ready to accept that I was mistaken. Would be deluded to claim that it cannot be because my 1337 hipster art interpretation skills say otherwise or fancy myself some great detective when I'm just an internet rando who despite my best attempts probably cannot be unbiased.

If the spiking thing had been true or is proven to be true in the future, (or anything about people being unable to leave) that's Burn In Hell territory because of the sheer disregard for other human beings that such an act implies, but at present I just don't think the fact pattern suggests it to be true.

[easy-revenge]

Hii

So many people are calling Himeno a groomer and pedophile. What are your thoughts?

hellooo

oof.

ive seen the hate and slander for himeno on all platforms first hand. let me get some things out of the way first:

i do not defend himeno, nor her actions regarding denji. there is no defending that. it is what it is.

i can speak more on what ppl target her for though, bc i think its interesting.

(DISCLAIMER: opinions, in this case mine. no one has to agree with me. i have a lot to say but if you're not willing to listen and don't care about my pov, kindly move past this post. thank u)

the vast majority of ppl hating her that ive seen and/or interacted with online always find a way to get aki involved into the conversation. that's bullshit and i wanna speak on it before i touch on anything else.

aki is around 22 years old.

there is a tiktok here from one of my fav creators breaking that one down since a lot of ppl misread his introduction scene and thought he was 19:

with that said and done, there is nothing weird about aki and himeno whatsoever (ive seen ppl hate her for getting him into smoking which, ig fair, but lets be real for a sec and realize that even not knowing the spoilers, its pretty safe to assume that lung cancer is not what's gonna take them out). aki was around 19 when they met, which makes him a minor, but there was no hints whatsoever about himeno liking him until later on.

she didn't "watch him grow up" or "groom" him. she is in love with him in the present, when they are both of age. she knows aki has feelings for makima and doesn't cross any boundaries as we see both her and aki are comfortable being close with each other and initiating contact.

with the aki bullshit done, let's go back to the real thing: denji.

again, what himeno did to denji is inexcusable. there is no way around it. the fact that she was drunk doesn't serve as an excuse bc she still very much is the adult in the room and should've been more responsible.

i want to however talk about the terminology.

groomer.

a groomer is someone who builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

^ this is copy pasted from a dictionary. ring a bell? yes, that's literally makima.

himeno on the other hand did none of those things to denji. her offering him a kiss was more of a joke than anything else (plus she didn't know he was 16 back then) and she never had an ulterior motive for getting close to him.

im actually fairly certain that ppl call her a groomer more regarding aki than denji bc aki is the one she's known for a longer time and has had an effect on. i won't go back into this. utter bullshit. aki is not a child and himeno is not manipulating him. next.

the pedophile allegation is a bit of a rougher one to talk about. himeno initiated this playful flirting with denji at the start of the eternity devil arc, not knowing his age. she said explicitly right after that she "loves teasing boys" which implies that it was more a joke than anything else and considering that we proceed to get numerous flashbacks that let us know how deep her relationship with aki is and how genuine her feelings for him are, we can safely assume she does not give a fuck about denji.

the actual act that brought on the "pedophile" term happens when she is drunk. this, again, does not excuse her but i think can speak volumes about her state of mind. we know she gets extra flirty when she drinks and by the time the kiss happens she's tried to outdrink makima which means she's literally hammered. she is also drunk, significantly less but still, when she finds out denji's age. we know she is present enough for that info bc she remembers it the next morning when she brings it up, but again i dont think processing and comprehending information works just as well when you're half a dozen draft beers in. i dont have something more solid to say about this besides: she was really drunk and made some really bad choices bc she is irresponsible, flawed and generally messy as a person.

i dont feel comfortable calling her a pedophile. it doesn't ring that true to me. i dont think she is genuinely attracted to denji or would want to have sex with him while sober.

she knows it was wrong the next morning and she brings it up. that also shows that sober and with a clear mind she doesn't feel the same way.

the act itself is still horrible and inexcusable, but i think her thought process matters when it comes to assigning terms to her.

at the end of the day, i cant fight the ppl who do call her a pedophile. she did in fact attempt to have a sexual encounter with a minor. end of story. i mostly went into depth about this to talk about the aki thing bc it keeps popping up.

as for me, i choose to not erase her entire character over that one scene and reduce her to what ppl see her as. her arc is very well-written. SHE is very well-written. i keep recycling my words from my other posts but i think she is a perfect reflection of the universe she is in. we know she drinks and numbs everything out. we know the kind of dependency she has when it comes to aki and how it can cloud her judgment. she is very messy as i said and fundamentally flawed. but i loved seeing a broken character.

in a series like csm where denji can get cut in half and get back up to fight, its important for me to have characters like her to make u rly feel the impact of living in a world like this.

also the easy revenge storyline was dope as shit.

that's all about my thoughts on this, ive beem wanting to articulate them for a while, thank u for giving me the chance !!

[broodygaming]

.

Juuust venting.

Idk. I don't even expect ppl to read this, it's okay, I'm fine literally just typing it out for the sake of typing it out cuz I don't have anyone I can chat about it with.

But I'm 30 years old, disabled and living with my mom and things have gone from weird to bad to worse and idk what to do about it. I can't get a job, I can't work, I can't seem to qualify for disability. I can't seem to do anything.

My mom is a good kind person in so many things. But idk. I think she really genuinely didn't think that me moving in with her would be permanent. I think she just assumed I'd get it together and get a job and leave again. I was always the most self sufficient kid. I moved away! I was doing good! So it seemed from a distance anyways.

Now it's like, every day she's just MAD that I just can't do things. She gets mad that I'm forgetful or that my spoons are like 0 all the time. She gets mad that I'm not magically clearing the entire property by myself or I'm not building all these things or doing all these things. She just gets mad mad mad that I don't function. I think it just confuses her? Or scares her? Idk. And she'll weaponize my disability in this really weird way. She'll say things like "well if you're really THAT disabled maybe I should hire a baby sitter for you because you can't be trusted to be alone." Literally. And when I say no, that's weird I don't need that - it OF COURSE means I must just be lying about how bad everything else is!

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have one single friend in the universe and things are always kinda tense with her too. She's offered to let me come stay in her shed, haha. Her husbands a contractor so that's not as bad as it sounds. He'd make it nice and functional. But it would ruin our relationship.

It's not sustainable to just couch hop, I can feel kind people thinking of typing out an offer - but lbr, that's just not sustainable. I'm not going to magically get better. I'm not temporarily out of work. It's not just for until I get things "figured out". I need a permanent solution.

So I'm genuinely thinking of just refurbishing my truck and putting a mattress in the back and buying a recharable solar battery and a fancy bucket and going on the road. It's an old truck (almost 300K miles!! YES you read that right!! Old ass work truck!! but it runs really well and is stupid sturdy). And maybe just living off the cash assistance I get from the government and camping? I like to camp, I like being outside. And maybe I just sleep in my truck in parking lots and then for a few nights of the week stay at a campsite to freshen up?

Lots of people do it, so I know it's doable. It'd be hard to give up creature comforts like plumbing and really (I know this is dumb but) my computer. I like video games haha, it's one of my fav past times. I know my bigger hold ups should be like, security and warmth and shit. But still. I have so much time and energy put into these stupid pixels it's hard to imagine giving that up.

And my animals! I'd have to sell my goats, probably just give my chickens to my neighbors. And even though it's literally so so irresponsible, I'm taking my fucking dog. I've had to give up one dog previously because I was temporarily homeless and couldn't find a rentable space that was pet friendly. And I swore I'd never do it again. Plus - even though it's irresponsible and her food costs easily 80 bucks a month - I actually think I'd be a lot safer with her with me. And less alone. I think she'd love it, tbh. I don't think this would permanently burn bridges with my mom. She'd be mad, but if I called her and said Dahlia's sick I need money for a vet she'd give it to me. And if she wouldn't, my friend would and they have money to spare. So I actually think, out of everything that's not that big of a gamble. I have a safety net for her. And I'm good at doing yearly shots myself etc. So it's just emergencies, food and 3 year rabies shots I can't do myself.

Another reason I'm spitballing all this here is it's not for sure. Hopefully it doesn't come to this. But my mom and I have been fighting relentlessly and there's no end in sight. She's like, mad that I'm here. And comes home mad that I'm here. It's exhausting and it's not going to get magically better. She bought this property and is now throwing it in my face like I'm the one who forced her to do it. She's terrified she won't be able to retire and is blaming me for it. I don't want to be a burden and she clearly doesn't want me to be one anymore either and idk who else I can ask. Who else can I INFLICT my existence on to? This is why disabled people end up in abusive relationships and then stay. What are the fucking options? I'm so grateful I have my physical health and am able to even think of taking such a physically demanding option.

So it's like a 30% chance it comes to this. I'll try and just adjust and put up with things being weird and toxic because that's better than shitting in a bucket in the walmart parking lot. For now.

[mobblespsycho100]

waittt aventurine is from the ipc not penacony ... im rlly curious to hear that then

YES. OKAY SO , instead of just mentioning fav and why, I WILL ELABORATE ABT MY LOVE FOR THE IPC GUYS LETS GOOOOO

so we know how the IPC is an intergalactic corporation that basically has a monopoly on the trade routes and currency and is basically just a HUGE part of the universe in hsr. This is honestly so interesting to me because of how they dedicate themselves to Qlipoth the Preservation whos building Walls to seperate planets for some reason, but IPC wants to Connect planets while also helping the Amber Lord. its so interesting? almost makes u wonder if the IPC is even dedicated to Qlipoth or is simply an interastral corporate wanting their economic influence to dominate the entirety of the universe. But we do know one thing. WE ONLY HAVE *TWO* KNOWN EMANATORS OF PRESERVATION IN THE IPC, one is Taravan Keane one of the board members of the IPC whos rumored to not even be a follower of Qlipoth, the other is Diamond, Head of the Strategic Investment Department and Leader of the Ten Stonehearts...

THE TEN STONEHEARTS ARE ALSO KNOWN AS THE SENIOR MANAGERS OF THE STRATEGIC INVESTMENT DEPARTMENT. Their official like term / job title is "Non-Performing Asset Liquidation Specialists", theyre all handpicked by Diamond and given Cornerstones which are like a Gemstone that represents what theyre like good at and gives them the authority to borrow Diamond's power as the emanator of Preservation. So its like. They have powers too, but its from the cornerstones, and the cornerstones are given to them by Diamond who gets power from Preservation and the cornerstones are an extension of Diamond's powers.

ANYWAY. Topaz's cornerstone is the "Topaz of Debt Retrieval". Shes also the leader of the Special Debts Picket team and currently the lowest ranking (P44) and implied to be the or one of the youngest member of the Ten Stonehearts.

I love her a lot because of how assertive and confident she is while also prioritizing being kind to others and going with a soft approach first, shes like the customer service Queen. shes also rlly good at math which she actually hates bcuz ppl keep using her like a human calculator if she discloses that information.

ALSO ONE OF HER IDLE HAS HER SPEAKING IN ALL THE DIFF LANGUAGES HSR OFFERS (AKA EN, JP, CN, AND KR) ITS SO COOL ??? Also yes shes technically had to be in the IPC because of how her dying planet made a contract to basically all of them work for the IPC.

I love Topaz for her flaws and also her strengths, shes both incredibly . i dont know the word but its like when you rlly believe ur right and dont think anything else? Shes genuine in a sense that what she does she genuinely believes shes helping people, even though she also acknowledges the faults and bad sides of the IPC, she wasnt hesitant to literally say the IPC was going to use Belobog/Jarilo-VI for the resources and develop it in their own view of how they could improve the lands (aka basically a lot of restructuring and destroying the culture to improve it) but again shes like this because shes experienced it firsthand, how her planet with the most unliveable conditions started to Thrive under the IPC's influence despite it essentially giving up their freedom to work For the IPC. For Topaz she believes that the IPC IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE BELOBOG from its current slow recovering state after the stellaron crisis and corrossion that caused the eternal freeze to ravage the planet. That is of course until she saw that Belobog has its own way of survival, its own way of thriving without the need for IPC's meddling, that she steps down/backs off and immediately took the blame without asking for anything in return, just that shes only buying some time and it isnt possible to erase the debt completely. and in a way, I know that it didnt affect her much because she works for the sake of helping the world (in her mind) and not for the money, but it would still suck to get demoted and be known to fail at ur assignment even though you were doing a good decision for the sake of the native inhabitants of the planet. Like?? Oh my gosh. I need to hug her im so happy she has like friends actually like furry creatures and cats and Numby her constant companion because OH MY GOSHH HER character stories make me emo tbh.

shes the silliest gal ever in history of the IPC and I think she needs more fans FORREAL FORREAL ‼️‼️‼️ topaz main for LIFE i need everyone to experience her fun playstyle and numby running around with her and LOKE OMGGG HER SHINY DIAMOND PATTERN SCARF THAT SPARKLES IN THE LIGHT <3 best aspect of her design IMO. i like her thigh mole too but that sounds too 0///0 of me so ill shut up abt topaz now BTW HER LIGHTCONE IS THE BEST LIGHTCONE ART (SHE IS SO CUTE WITH THE CATS AND DOGS AND LIL NUMBY IN THE BG BEING JEALOUS AND WANTING ATTENTION) I WILL SCREAM THIS AND DIE ON THAT HILL . also meta wise her eidolons are All really good for her i need to get her to e2 when she reruns if possible <33 my BELOVED TOPAZ / JELENA U WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUSSSSS ♥️💖💖❤️💗💕💞❣️💌💘💝💖💞💕💓💟🫰🫶

anyway for Aventurine . HES A FREAKING MENACE <33 i love his "constantly smiling" persona and his gambling addiction. He is the epitome of a business guy imo, business guy to beat all business guys APPEARANCE WISE (except Reigen , Reigen is top tier business guy hes so me fr fr best character in history :3) anyway back to Aventurine. I like his angst a lot I think.... his persona... his hidden side ... IM SO EXCITED TO PLAY THROUGH IT BECAUSE HIS STORY IS SO DAMN RAAAHHH i cant believe he says "use me as you wish even stab me in the back if you see fit" what if i cry forever i love this guy. more ppl need to as well. ik hes morally gray btw he wants to #win and i for one support him GO AVENTURINE U LIL SMUG GAMBLER U CAN DO IT-- okay ill shut up now i just love his silly personality soo much.... and his voice <3 he makes me so ouhhwgwg emotional fr fr. The only two negative part abt Aventurine is his design not being a person of color and the fact that his iconic hat and sunglasses ARENT on his playable model. I hate hoyo for this /hj but srsly. man. I NEED HIM SO BAD I NEED TO PULL FOR HIM NOWWWWW AND PUT HIM ON MY TOPAZ/FOLLOW UP TEAMS RAAHHHHHH ‼️‼️‼️‼️

also i love the IPC's NPCs like Velite from Argentis Companion Mission and Wilder from the Aetherium Wars event ‼️‼️ and Owlbert our fav host in the youtube videos <3 silly silly

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

ask thing! 1, 2, 47 (although feel free to say bff or marry since these questions are weird LOL), 50, 60, annnnnnd 83? 👀👀👀

hellooooo friend thanks for sending the thingggg <3 1. What is your biggest turn off in a person? ooof a lot of things bc i am a Bitch ahahahaha. jk, i won't act like a bitch if i don't like you but i am veeery picky about who i actually choose as my friend. i really dislike cowardice in people, generally, but esp regarding personal relationships -- we are all little gremlins afraid of rejection, but i feel like that's no excuse not to at least Try ya feel me? it also makes my blood boil when ppl try to rationalise or explain their lack of empathy and human decency as some sort of natural selection like oh i am right to hate this person because they are WEAK like. pls chill :) you are allowed to hate who you want but pls don't be self righteous about it! this also applies to ppl rationalising bad things happening to ppl as something they deserved -- i am aware this is their defence mechanism so their brain wouldn't have to deal with the reality of a Bad Thing happening to them but it makes me so angry lol -- they apply this child-level analogy of like bad things happen to bad ppl and i am Good so therefore nothing Bad will Ever happen to me and usually those ppl have also read about law of attraction and heavily misinterpreted what that's actually about :) also -- selfishness is a biiig turn off! 2. What is your biggest turn on in a person? i will tolerate many things if i like your general vibe hahah! a really big thing for me is actually being able to have quality conversations during which i feel seen. i like people who are able to process and actually hear the things you say and then actually respond to them -- many times ppl will just wait for their turn to talk or not even try to understand where you're coming from, which is fine i guess, but pls miss me with that shit bc i have no patience for it! i guess that requires a high level of emotional intelligence and that's a trait i highly value in ppl! i will try my best to offer the same courtesy to them! i also love when ppl just... try, you know? i understand it can be hard but i really love it when ppl just show up in a relationship (of any kind), flawed and broken, i don't care, but they came and they put in the effort and i will also put in the effort and.... congratulations!! you are building a relationship haha. for real i just love when ppl care and then they show they care, and sometimes it's just as simple as showing up and getting coffee together even though you're busy. it's surprising how many ppl just act on their natural instinct to pull away or get scared of genuine connection (myself included but i am WORKING on it okay). 47. If you could choose one Disney princess to be your best friend who would you chose? i chose to read this as "wife" instead of "bff" and i will have to say megara from hercules, she's exactly the type of woman that i'd go crazy about irl hahaha 50. If you had to live in the world of the last T.V. show you watched where would you be living? thaaaat would actually have to be wednesday hahha! no complaints, any world that has larissa weems in it is a good world to me! as for murderous monsters, those exist in every world, i'm not too worried haha 60. What is a relationship deal breaker for you? my last relationship ended bc my ex had trouble showing me she cared about me in a way i could understand, which, now that i think about it, is a reason many of my relationships came to an end or fizzled out over time, i just wasn't feeling appreciated. so i guess if i'm not feeling wanted i will not waste my time being there, i no longer do that to myself (i used to tho!) 83. What was the last thing that made you laugh? i laugh a LOT ahahahah and i find the stupidest things very funny. i think the last thing that made me scream with laughter was a video of an escape room chase lol it was very scooby-doo-esque. i was watching it with my sibling and literally banging my fists on the table here's a link to it if anyone is interested but prepare to be disappointed bc my sense of humour is that of a 5 year old

[vancilocs]

Fuck it, tell me all you want how hot joe, miro and carmina are

two ppl i think are hot and then miro

🥵 : Is your OC perceived as physically attractive to others? Is it at first glance or is it something that takes more time to reach fruition?

Joe is tall and muscular and tattooed he gets a lot of people looking at him like oh damn

Some people maybe, he's pretty short and a bit chubby so people tend to glance over him but he's not ugly by any means

She's pretty, tall and slender with pretty big boobs so she gets some looks

💦 : Is your OC’s attractiveness based on looks or a more intangible aura?

It's a combo of him being hot and also acting confident and outgoing, he's approachable

I suppose most people who are attracted to him get to know him first and find out he's a fun guy and are then willing to overlook his appearance

Combo of looks and her weird but appealing aura. Who r u goth babygirl

💪 : What is your OC’s most physically attractive attribute? 

Boobs, arms, tattoos

Hair, piercings, tattoos

Boobs

🧠 : What is your OC’s most mentally attractive attribute?

How easy he's talk to, general friendliness

Calmness, goofiness

How attentive she is towards people she's talking to, gentle demeanor

👀 : Does your OC believe they are attractive? Do they use that to their advantage?

He doesn't work out that hard to not feel sexy. Definitely mooched drinks off Mirad before they broke up

Meh, he's alright. Working with hot and tall people like Gabe and Raven kinda left him thinking that he's below average but so what.

She doesn't think of her own attractiveness and when people call her hot or beautiful she's surprised

👃 : Does your OC smell good? Do they have a signature scent?

After he lays off that Axe bodyspray and switches to something less harsh yeah

Just deodorant and cigarettes so no he doesn't smell good

She's easily irritated by scents so she wears very neutral deodorants and just showers plenty often

👂 : Does your OC have an attractive voice?

If you're into Aussie accents, sure

No

Low, raspy, sensual, quiet, yes

🚲 : Does your OC enjoy playing the field? Or are they more monogamy-minded?

He's never had a one-night-stand and doesn't want to, he's not the kind to sleep around

Not the type to sleep around, though if someone mega hot offered he'd be like ah what the hell

Very monogamous

😍 : What does your OC find irresistible in others?

Sassiness, ass n titties, preferably in lingerie

Confidence

Level-headedness and smarts, strong physique

💘 : Is your OC a very good flirt? Are they charming?

He's annoyingly good at flirting, ask Mirad or Mae

He's good in the sense that he's just kinda straightforward and genuine abt it so it has its charm

She's also straightforward but very serious so it can feel threatening when she's just trying to flirt

💋 : Is your OC a good kisser? How do they do it?

The man can smooch (if you don't mind the beard)

He's alright

No complaints

🦴 : Does your OC have much sexual experience? What are they like?

He's pretty experienced with men and women both

He's had a few girlfriends he's gone all the way with

A couple of long-term relationships, not inexperienced

💞 : Do they treat sex casually or do they view it as something with a lot of emotional weight?

Not into casual hookups and tends to wait in relationships too

Leans on the serious side but like. Not a huge deal

Needs a lot of trust to jump into bed

🔥 : What’s a surefire way to make your OC get flustered?

Lingerie

Pick him up or pin him to a wall

Gentle, slow touch

🧸 : Into public displays of affection or are they more reserved?

Moderate, kisses, holding hands, arm around waist or shoulders, hand in back pocket

Also kinda moderate, reserved abt kisses though

Will link arms or maybe hold hands, that's about it

💌 : How would they plan a romantic evening for a significant other?

Get wine, get snacks, get a movie, maybe get a candle or two, get clean nice sheets for the bed, nice clothes and underwear and remember to brush your teeth, wash hands, cut and clean nails, trim wherever needed,

Clean, get some snacks, some wine bc that's fancy probably, get some music or a movie or something, wash hair and teeth, maybe swap piercings to something that won't get snagged on things

Make dinner, light a candle, set the table nicely, wear cute clothes and underwear (that isn't sensory hell), make the bed nice, shoo the cats out of the way

💐 : What is their courting style? How would they woo someone?

Ask them for a drink first, try and make a good impression with manners and clothes and all, remember important dates with gifts or dates, bring flowers, be attentive

Go out and have fun often, give small, inexpensive gifts or bring flowers maybe, remember small things

Go on dates and get to know each other, give handmade gifts, show pictures of cats, give compliments

👙 : What kind of underwear do they use? Is it pretty or functional?

Local man has 17 pairs of black boxers

Bunch of boxers but make some fun and patterned

Mostly functional and comfortable panties and bras (that give enough support though) but a couple of sets of matching cute lacy ones for racier needs

[episbep]

recovery day four - happy birthday to me🥳

I really struggled to get up today. Had the weirdest and most realistic dreams that just booked me out. I did forget to take my medication last night though- that combined with the insane/obscure dreams that come with abstinence after substantial drug use just made them even more intense I reckon.

my day started off as such a struggle, I was so sad, feeling v sorry for myself but dragged myself into the bath and out to meet my grandparents at lunchtime. (As I was just about to leave the house my big ex called me out of the blue to wish me a happy birthday? He said he felt bad about how things were when we last saw each other and that he still thinks the world of me, is proud of my sobriety (although he doesn’t know about the multiple relapses and he doesn’t need to. Our story is over now) and that he accidentally called his new girl by my name lol. I cried when we ended the phone call bc wtf but realistically he is right - we don’t work, we won’t work, and our time in each other’s lives is up. We are both following different paths now and I need people around me who are kind, supportive, sober and not controlling - all of which he is not. There was a time that his validation was everything to me, but that is no longer the case, and I feel better that I am no longer chasing him and trying to force something that is not in my best interests or helpful to my recovery, which right now has to come first.) Yesterday I felt so much better after getting up and out and today was exactly the same. I think the worst thing I can do while I’m struggling is to self isolate tbh. When I first arrived I was tearful and not feeling like I wanted to birthday, I opened a card and a present but the rest I’ve left there with the plan of opening them with my girl at the weekend. My grandparents and I chatted for a while and then Grandma and I made a cottage pie together - I’m ashamed to admit that that was the first time I’ve ever made one, but it felt so good to learn how to and to spend some quality time with my absolutely incredible and wonderfully kind Grandma. She gave me a wooden cross that she holds for support when times get tough for her. I’m still incredibly touched by it. She’s also offered to teach me how to make some more recipes as part of my recovery and to teach me to iron- I’m ashamed to admit that cooking and ironing are two things I know very little about how to do!! I’m pathetically grateful for her offer, especially the cooking part - chopping veggies and seeing a meal come together is really therapeutic and I felt so proud at the end of it, especially watching my grandparents enjoy what we had created. It was really lovely and I genuinely laughed for the first time in a while.

After I left I met two NA fellows and we shared a lift to a meeting an hour or so away with a sister group - the journey there was like a mini-meeting in itself, as was the journey back. There was a lot of hope, positivity and support but the major thing is that I cannot join the home group, get a sponsor or claim clean time while I am still on anti-depressants as they are technically mind-altering so they don’t class me as ‘fully abstinent’…feels harsh but I do get it. Trouble is that I’m on a major dose and can’t just stop taking them overnight, I’ve already been having brain zaps and dizziness from forgetting one days worth. Regardless I am going to speak to a doctor tomorrow and look at tapering off of them so that I can start really working the program. They recommended that in the meantime I get my head stuck into the book and reach out to other members with long clean time, reach out as much as possible and make connections (which I find very difficult bc I don’t want to annoy ppl! I don’t wanna be an inconvenience!). Every interaction I have with them just makes it that much clearer how much NA can/will change my life for the better, it’s not just abstinence but a healing way of life to help me become the best version of myself and I want it so bad. One of the guys I shared a loft with celebrated 30 days today and he was speaking about how much his life and mentality has improved already. (He’s also absolutely gorgeous but - no stop it!!) I shared in the meeting about how I never imagined that I would be spending my 28th at an NA meeting, but that I was so grateful to be doing so as I know if I was still using that I would have been alone in my bed, off my face and miserable. I’m just so relieved that there is an alternative way and that I don’t ever have to spend another day like that. This will hopefully be the beginning of one of my best years yet.

my bladder is so bad. I’ve not even been drinking much but I need to piss all the god damn time. I was really struggling to even hold it for the hour and 20 car drive. I’m lying in bed rn needing to piss again too🙃 I didn’t think it was that bad but clearly it’s not great. I’ve been having pains too but idk if that’s cos my periods coming or bc of my bladder bc I’ve completely lost track of when I’m due on… also my nose is killing me.

[troglobite]

klsdjflksdjf

don't read unless you really wanna--i'm being petty and mean under the cut. i'm not just saying that. i really, genuinely mean it--i am being petty, mean, and critical under the cut. (to nip any anxiety in the bud, this is not abt anyone i know, my friends, my family, or anyone i follow or who follows me)

[sits and seethes]

sometimes it's like people watching a show forget what it means to be a fucking person.

they forget what existing is like.

"THIS WAS OUT OF CHARACTER"

hey remember that time that you lashed out at your family and friends even though they'd done nothing wrong? remember that time you lied abt something that didn't matter and years later, you still have no idea why you did it? remember that time you made a joke out of nowhere, hurt someone's feelings, and when looking back, you still have no idea what possessed you, and therefore no satisfactory answer or apology to offer them?

or do you just ignore and shove down all your cognitive dissonance and human weirdness and insist that you are a consistent, narratively pure and perfect person all the time?

bc fucking christ what an existence that must be.

also

"this is so unlike you!"

no it's not. you've just never seen me in this situation before. so you don't know this side of me.

wild how that fucking works. almost like someone who's talkative, cheerful, and optimistic may eventually see the uselessness of words and explaining himself, bc everyone already knows what he'd fucking say.

i'm tired. y'all are exhausting. i'm fucking tired. what do i have to block so i only see shit i like or that's thoughtful and not the inane nonsense of ppl who forget what being a human is and that sometimes art tries to reflect life AND have themes AND have a narrative, and it manages all of them seamlessly, but you only recognized one of those things--or even none of those things--bc you demand flat characters that "make sense" bc apparently you were never taught to have compassion or thoughtfulness or critical thinking.

also for fuck's sake we need to take "abuse" away from y'all and put it on the fucking shelf. just like gaslighting. and unfortunately queerbaiting. stop that shit, if you can't be fucking responsible and accurate w your word choices then stfu, you are in fucking time out. christ.

[badedramay]

"That doesn’t mean we HAVE to watch her be with a tree!" I cackled ngl. I do wonder how much of this is Maya's choice tho. I don't see her schmoozing w/ industry ppl and isn't part of any cliques. She's picky & doesn't wanna do toxic crap, which is like 99% of stuff being made. I think she wants to do high quality projects, but for whatever reason is not considered a good enough actress (like eg a Yumna or Sajal) or maybe not connected to the right ppl to be cast in those projects.

i know i knowwww that the industry has very limited number of good projects to offer to actors and there's always many contenders in the line for them. Maya, bless her script sense, is usually quite sharp about the projects she chooses. it's not a 100% strike rate but it's good enough for one to say her filmography is filled with quality stuff. so i GET that her selectiveness + limited available options = less work for her. but idk..maybe it's my own disappointment in her not getting the better projects manifesting as anger towards her inability to be part of the projects? which now that I am typing this makes me aware of my OWN hypocrisy cuz i know for a fact that Maya has been offered projects that she said yes to only for them to be taken away from her without even mentioning her. so yeah..you are right. we don't know how much of this is her own choice. or how much of her choices are in self defense. or how much she misses out on because she just doesn't know the right kind of people in the right kind of places even though she's on good terms with most of the industry. THAT SAID i still don't 100% believe that she DOESN'T have ulterior motives in choosing some projects. i REFUSEEEE to believe she did PSM cuz it was some amazing project. Maya/Rakshi were the weakest parts of the show with her "friends" walking away with the praise. PSM became Hina's launchpad, Rabia's most acclaimed role, and Aslam was genuinely a dream role for any actor which Sherry got to fully sunk his teeth into. Maya's reputation was a mess and it was the surprise she pulled out with JBG that got her back in the game again. SO YEAH if she's done this once, she can do it again. with her the pattern is sometimes just so darn obvious...

[autistichanseo]

“He, and I cannot stress this enough, wanted to live so badly, and the tragedy is, once he gained the environment that offered him love and support, his priorities changed and he started putting someone else's life before his”

he was literally on survival mode his whole life, until someone turned that off and then he didn’t care about his survival anymore as long as he could save them.

ur so right its sickening he wanted to live.

he wanted to change babel and make it better, he wanted to do so much, he wanted to prove himself to his brother and then. then he stopped always having to be on survival mode, then he had someone who showed him love and. he put vincenzo’s life above all else and yes the whole “I knew for a while now I’d have to sacrifice my life” but. he sacrificed himself for someone he’d known for what?? a few months??? and the fact it was his gun so he knew how many bullets were in there, meaning he Knew there was only one left. its fucking so unbelievably tragic man…..

i think what was the thing that truly pushed him was the knife scene (I might be wrong ab this). hanseok says “I went too far again” (obviously not because he cares but because he’s now injured, and he knows if he pushes hanseo too far it’ll make hanseo snap and go against him, which it did exactly that.) hanseo knew hanseok would eventually kill him, but hanseok putting the knife to his throat saying he would kill hanseo was what pushed hanseo to fight back truly. while hanseo had the gun I assume he had bought that for safety and because the thought was brewing in his mind, that was what I believe pushed him to make it final. though I think what pushed hanseo to work with vincenzo was ofc the pigs blood scene, because this was one of the first times he’d been there to witness hanseok getting shit on, which before vincenzos arrival was not even possible in hanseos head. and yes vincenzo had helped give him someone to go to an an opening, but 100% hanseo saved himself (im so so proud of him for that.)

I genuinely could go on about vincenzo and hanseo for ages man maybe I should make a post about it but . they are so much less healthy then ppl think they are but then also its so hard to say any of this because despite how unfulfilling the last episode was as kwak dongyeon said its. its everything hanseo ever wanted because hanseo’s bar was underneath the fucking ground lets bfr and while we think he deserves SO. MUCH. MORE. his goals had been complete, he was happy and okay with dying which just . is so fucking tragic because that shouldn’t have been the case, he shouldn’t be satisfied with so little but he was because that was so much more then he’d ever gotten and he didn’t even dream of half of what he got. he took what he got and never asked for more in his life, it was the first time he had been able to help himself and escaped!! he helped someone!! he got an older sibling figure!!! but he should’ve gotten more. he deserved so much fucking more its so upsetting he’s such a fucking tragic character that had been so mistreated that he’d sacrifice himself for anyone who shows him even the smallest drop of kindness. hanseo had an emotional attachment to someone who had just shown him human decency and he immediately clung on I. thinking about the last episode makes me so sick they did him so fucking dirty and the worst part about it is that hanseo in his own pov is satisfied with dying there and. just. its so sad man. its so fucking sad.

(also I need ideas on how to rewrite ep 20 to be more jang brothers focused, and I forgot to say but ur so real ab chayoung should’ve killed myunghee cos that was her enemy but also idk if chayoung would’ve been able to set her on fire, but she definitely still should’ve had way more input ??? also if chayoung did set myunghee on fire that’d be such an amazing moment and would truly mean she got revenge for myunghee getting her dad killed.)

i know i'm biased af cuz i'm han-seo trash but hear me out. I think Han-seok's plan in ep 20 should've been more about Han-seo. Han-seo's betrayal hit him Way Worse than Vincenzo getting the woman he had a crush on (it didn't even seem that deep), especially considering Han-seo basically replaced Han-seok with his worst enemy. idk i just think they should've gone harder on the whole "you stole my brother" thing. Cha-young could still have taken a bullet for Vin, but not so bad that she couldn't see this plan through at Vin's side (yes I still think Vin should've let her have Choi Myung-hee, that was her archenemy, this revenge should've been hers)

[floorbe]

Kazuichi, Byakuya, Shuichi, Nagito, Hajime, Taka, Sonia & Mondo headcanons with a partner who is the Ultimate Dreamer? As in they have a HUGE imagination and creativity. They always ramble about ideas, are easily distracted/zone out a lot and get very emotional when an idea for a story or art piece doesn't go according to plan? I know that's a lot of people so you don't have to do them all, i'm sorry

ofc!! its not too many ppl at all, dw!!!

~

Kazuichi Souda

-He’s right on your wavelength!

-He’s got a crazy amount of creativity, too, so he’s right there with you and egging on your ideas!!

-He even adds on to them if you want! He’s got a lot of suggestions for everything

-He also asks for suggestions from you when he’s blocked for ideas on what to build/examine next

-At first he’s kind of offended when you keep getting distracted while he’s talking, but once he realizes it doesn’t mean you’re not interested, he’s cool!

-Has no problem repeating what he said, even if he has to do it twenty times in one conversation

-Kazuichi can completely empathize with getting emotional when something doesn’t turn out right

-He gets the same way when it’s his own creations, so he knows exactly how you feel and how to help

-“Hey, Y/N, don’t worry about it, okay?! We can always try again! Plus, I think this turned out pretty damn cool, anyway...” 

-He’s always encouraging you and complimenting all of your works, even the ones you don’t think are up to par. And he genuinely means everything he says

-You can count on him to always be there to motivate you to try again or move onto the next project

Byakuya Togami

-He’s honestly really impressed with how creative you are

-You’ll probably never know genuinely how much, because the most he’ll say is a “That’s quite an idea, Y/N” 

-He’s going to get frustrated at first if you zone out often, so bear with him as he gets over himself a bit

-Once he does get more used to it, he’ll just sigh and repeat what he said. It isn’t much better than before, but at least he’s not rolling his eyes with a snarky reply anymore

-He kind of... nitpicks your ideas? He doesn’t mean it in a harmful way, he just wants to add on in his own way. He’ll add on his own suggestions for a more practical and successful approach

-He’s actually a pretty good listener, though you’ll mostly get hums and grunts as responses as he doesn’t have much to add onto your thoughts

-If you’re a writer, he’s fully willing to proof read your stuff! He won’t say that, of course, but you can tell by how quickly he gives in when you ask him

-When you get emotional that something didn’t go right, he’ll walk past you and take a look at it himself

-“...This turned out well, Y/N. Our minds expectations are always higher than what we can accomplish; or, you’re your own worst critic, as they say.” 

Shuichi Saihara

-He’s amazed with how many ideas you have?? It seems like you never run out, and he’s so interested in hearing every one

-He doesn’t really have much to add on (and he kinda feels like he’s imposing by suggesting stuff) but if you ask he’s more than happy to give his own thoughts!

-Doesn’t mind you zoning out at all! He actually starts picking up on the signs that you are and either 1. catches your attention again or 2. gives you a minute before going on

-When you start getting emotional over something that didn’t turn out quite right, he’s right there beside you to ride it out with you

-“I-I think it’s amazing, Y/N, really!” and he does! But he knows what it’s like to not meet your own expectations, so he tries his best to be there for you

-And when you eventually pick up the motivation to start a new piece/work on your project again, he’s right there supporting you

Nagito Komaeda

-He’s astounded by how many ideas you have, and he wants to know about every single one

-This man is one of the best listeners you’ll ever meet

-He’s dead silent while you talk unless you want him to add stuff in or ask questions, in which he’s got you, too!

-He loves watching you work, and will gladly sit by you for hours just chilling

-Doesn’t mind at all if you zone out, but he may take it way too personally in a self hatred way, so make sure to reassure him it’s not because of him

-He’s so, so supportive of everything you make!

-He really does not understand how you could think that something didn’t turn out well, because “everything you do is amazing, my love!” 

-He’s got so many compliments for every project you work on. It’s almost too much, but later on in the relationship he knows when to pull back

-If you’re a painter, he’d love to paint with you!! He has no qualms about getting messy, and he loves spending time with you!

Hajime Hinata

-He loves listening to all of your thoughts and ideas!!

-Secretly kinda jealous of how big your imagination is, but he won’t tell you that

-He doesn’t have much to weigh in tbh, he just likes listening, but he’ll give suggestions if you want!

-Tbh he zones out a lot, too, so he totally understands you! He’ll just gently snap your attention back if you ask him to!

-He’s also right by your side when he sees you start to get emotional over a project

-He tries his best to comfort you, mostly by complimenting the piece in question and reassuring you it looks great (and it does!)

-He’ll stick to just comforting you if you don’t want any compliments, tho. He’s a great hugger!

-If you draw, sometimes you’ll catch him sketching in his own little book after watching you draw. He only lets you catch a glimpse of it before he shuts it, but it looked... suspiciously like you? 

Kiyotaka Ishimaru

-This man admires you so, so much. He has so much respect for you

-He’s not really an art person, so if your projects are art based he is so enamored by it! If you’ll let him, he’d love to sit in and watch you while you work! 

-Your creativity is so fascinating to him. He loves hearing all of your ideas, and loves discussing them with you! 

-He’ll try to add in suggestions, but if you want him to just listen he’s fine with that, too

-At first he thinks you’re zoning out because you’re being rude/disrespectful (and he’s a little hurt on the inside at the thought), but once you clarify that that’s not the case at all he’s 100% okay again

-Offers to proof read your stuff if you’re a writer! He may not be that good at creative writing, but he’s damn good at proof reading and editing writings

-He’ll absolutely ask for tips on some of the stuff that he’s interested in if that’s what you also do! (“Y/N, please teach me how to draw the other eye!”)

-He starts picking up on early signs that you’re starting to get emotional over a project, and he’ll rush to your side early to try and help out

-Whether it be by complimenting the piece (which he thinks is just... amazing, really, he doesn’t get how you don’t see that??) or just rubbing your back as you lament over it, he’s right there

Sonia Nevermind

-She’s so excited!!! She loves listening to other people talk about what they’re passionate about!

-She could spend hours just sitting with you and listening to you talk about your new ideas!

-She’ll get so excited if you ask her to weigh in with her opinion, so excited that she may fill up the suggestion with curse words on accident

-She doesn’t mind you zoning out at all! She knows it’s not intentional and she has no problem just catching your attention again and asking where in her sentence you zoned out so she can continue

-Sonia is very observant about the people she cares about, so she can see that you’re starting to get emotional over a piece before you even notice it 

-At an instant she’s bringing you water and snacks, suggesting to take a break with her and relax for a bit

-If that doesn’t work, she’ll wrap you up in her arms to comfort you and remind you that even if this didn’t turn out exactly how you wanted, it still turned out amazing in the end, and that is something to be proud of!

Mondo Oowada

-Damn, he’s impressed. How do you have so many ideas up in your head?? He’s astounded with every one tbh!

-Sometimes he asks you for ideas for what he should build next! (He’ll also let you paint his stuff if you want)

-If you paint or draw, please ask him to join you one day. It will be hilarious and endearing (imagine him drawing a hideous stick figure and labelling it as you)

-He likes sitting you in his lap as you talk about your ideas, and he’ll hum as he listens to you; he’s more of a listener

-Doesn’t mind at all if you zone out! He’ll just hum and repeat himself; no harm done! If you’re apologetic, he’ll scoff and reassure you that he does not “fuckin’ care, babe, it’s not a big deal to say something again”

-He can tell if you’re starting to get frustrated by a piece not going according to plan, and he tries to coax you into taking a break before you get too frustrated

-If you still get emotional over it, he’s beside you rubbing your back soothingly and reassuring you that you can try again another time

-Brings you away from the piece to get your mind off of it, whether that be by motorcycle ride, movie, etc., he’s pulling out all the stops