#even though he's literally supposed to be the representative of their home country

[offshore-brinicle]

Can I say though Yi Sang and Aeng-du's instant connection and solidarity is one of my favorite things about this event, it's just so sweet and also so special how they find that feeling of safety just from also knowing someone from the homeland they have left behind while they remain so out of place in The City. It stands out so much when the general mentality of the world is "everyone for themselves" but S Corp's people and those who had to leave it behind seem to have found so much understanding and sympathy with each other.

Overall I find it so interesting and unique that more than any other District in The City the people of District 19 feel such genuine attachment to the land and its heritage, not just with Aeung-du, Kim and the rest of the Blade Lineage but going back to Dongbaek and Dongrang's EGOs too, it's just so special to see that very united sense of culture and heritage in a world that despite being multicultural and multilingual seems to have largely left such notions behind

[docholligay]

The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters

I remember disliking this book so much more when I read it before! I think I was mad that it didn't have lesbians in it, and that's not entirely fair to Waters. She is allowed to 'have other characters' and 'explore other voices'. I SUPPOSE.

As with any Waters book, I can't keep myself from wild conjecture, she just brings it out in me I don't apologize in the fucking slightest.

Anyway, this book is actually pretty good if you're into the fading post-WW2 death throes of the landed class in the UK, played against the romanticism surrounding that whole blueblood situation ironically coming from people who could never touch it.

I think what I like best about it, though there is a lot to like here, is Faraday as being guilty of that very strange working-class illness of romanticizing title and blood, and wanting on some level to be a part of it. I would love to make this a British problem, but I regret that it is not, as I have seen it in plenty of My Fellow Americans of an older era obsessed with the idea of using ancestry to chase down a claim to being "noble," though I admit this is probably actually somewhat more common in a country not descended mostly from people needing to get the fuck out of Dodge for one reason or another.

This is no longer in the fashion--most peers my age looking for ancestry, which I am gonna cop to not being something I love, are looking for a connection to struggle or oppression. But I do think it's roughly the same thing: Using something someone had in the past to create ourselves as character and authority in the present.

Faraday has thought about this fucking house and everything it represents since he was a child. He falls in love with Caroline not for her own sake, but because of his growing desire to be a part of this house even in its teardown ruin. He doesn't even get a first name, because, a little bit like in DuMaurier's Rebecca, his existence is about POSITION, and lucking into being a part of a 'great house' even though in the great house is a sort of rot. He desperately wants to claim Caroline but more than that, Hundreds Hall. Look at me now, I'm married to the gentry and have a stately home.

The Uk was (and maybe even is on some level) in this tug of war between tradition and everything around that, paired with a post world war necessity of modernity, of providing for the actual people of this country instead a bunch of people quite literally born lucky. It's extremely easy to be like, 'The rich people wanted it to stay the same and everyone else was against it" but you know that's actually too simple, we've all known people who couldn't dream of being in these worlds lionizing the ~grand traditions of nobility~ and even Faraday mentions being against the NHS because he can see his time as a private doctor and thus 'special' coming to an end.

OKay I've talked too much about Faraday.

It is also a lot of fun, for me, this idea of destructive rot coming from within, that the seeds to destroy the class the Ayres belong to are planted within the place itself. That the weakness for them to self-destruct was just waiting for a moment. It's a fun ghost story! Sarah Waters can write her ass off! Is it my favorite of hers? No, but I also don't think I gave it a fair enough shake.

[insanechayne]

Things to tell Chandler:

~7/28 (12am-6am)

Apparently we have a doorbell somewhere in the ER? I heard it chime but idk who pushed it or where the button is or where the sound came from

My TikTok is kinda boring tonight, not as many fun videos as usual. But I did find one guy that takes suggestions of drinks to carbonate (really awful stuff, like certain types of alcohol or straight up milk) and then he tries them for everyone to see. His reactions are hilarious. Of course he’s from fucking Alabama. Your state is very well represented haha. But I’ve also seen a lot of videos of people dressing up as horror movie villains (like Michael Myers/Ghostface/etc.) and doing silly dances and shit like that, which is just fun

Earlier when Bree was here she was looking for something to show me on her phone and things were quiet for a moment, and through the closed door between us and the nurse’s station we hear Erika just saying “I just want to string profanities!” We busted up laughing so hard. I still don’t know what she was going on about with that

I don’t know if this is actually popular in some way, or if I happened to stumble upon it by being mentally ill, but there’s this specific niche of guys on TikTok (well I actually think it’s only 2 guys, literally) that have been making gay country songs. And I mean very graphic, full of gay sex country songs. But they’re also really good! These guys have a good sound and rhyming ability, so the whole thing is just fucking crazy.

~7/28 (3pm-12am)

Took mom to dinner, we went to this place called Horizon View Restaurant. Food was ok, a bit pricey for the quality. It’s one of those “it’s ok for Moab” type places. Unfortunately that’s most of what’s out here. Nothing is really great or stands out much. Like it’s not bad, it’s just not the standard of quality we’re used to coming from California. But it was still nice to go out for dinner with her. I like being around my mom and talking to her, we have a pretty good relationship despite the issues from my childhood. And I think it helped her to destress a bit, just to be able to go out and talk about all the nonsense and all that. I’ve got leftovers for dinner tonight, and I remembered to bring a cookie from home, so that’s nice. And I bought food for her to take home to my stepdad. She says “oh it’s too much, you didn’t have to buy Robert’s food too, let me send you money” and she just needs to stop 😅 Money will come and go, we only got one life so we may as well enjoy some of it when we can. And of course I had to buy food for Robert, he’s my stepdad and he was busy doing yard work and couldn’t come with us, so he deserves something too. But then we went to get Starbucks and she bought mine there, so it evened out 😂

Work is nice and quiet at the moment. It’s weird though, my doctor is in the ER here. I haven’t actually seen her or gone to her room or whatever, just see her on the board list of all the patients. I hope she’s alright. I’ll talk to her when she goes to leave, I’m sure.

Decided to read an actual book while also working through the short stories book. I think that’ll be manageable, reading one big story and then if I’m bored or tired I can go on to the smaller ones. Hopefully that works out, cause I do want to get through the short stories, but I’m not enjoying it enough to focus solely on them. But the book I grabbed to start was one I just bought when I was in junction, and it’s very highly rated/recommended on TikTok and in the horror community, and I’ve been wanting to read it for a really long time. The plot sounds pretty interesting so I’m very hopeful for it being good. And I think it has pictures, too!

I’m supposed to watch this documentary movie for therapy, something about this one therapist’s theories about mental health or whatever. I keep putting it off, but it’s only like an hour and a half, so I should probably get to it soon. But at the same time one of my favorite shows recently premiered their 5th season, and I’m 3-4 episodes behind, so I wanna get caught up on that too. I technically have plenty of time, but it’s like I just can’t focus these days. I gotta try to get back into all this, maybe just watch stuff little by little. Do 10-15 minutes at a time and then take a break if I have to, or if I feel like I’m drifting while watching. I don’t know.

Urgent Care is pissing me off lately. I think they’ve got some new people down there, maybe people doing training for licenses or whatever, getting experience and all that. And I think that’s great and everything, but half the time they won’t call us before just bringing a patient down to check in with ER. A lot of the time they’re bringing us the most ridiculous shit as it is, things that could definitely be taken care of in UC, so that’s already frustrating for everyone. But lately there’s this one guy who just wheels patients down to me to be checked in and nobody ever calls beforehand or anything, which they’re supposed to do. I know it seems like a small thing, and it kinda is, but the point of them calling let’s me alert my nurses and get a room/chart prepped for the patient while they’re being brought down. And it gives them a feel for what they’re going to be working with, which can dictate what room to put them in or if they’ll need to wait because something more serious is here, stuff like that. This one guy always brings down people who decided not to actually check in to UC, too, which is weird to me. I get maybe someone doesn’t know where to go to get better care, or they’re worried about insurance and copays and all that, but if they decide not to check in to UC and come to ER instead then they can (usually) just walk on over to where we are. Especially if they parked in front, since our lot is in back, and they probably won’t want to walk so far after they get discharged here. I don’t know, it’s not really a big deal, it’s just annoying me lately. Mostly I just want them to call and give me a heads up that someone is coming, regardless of whether or not that person actually checked into UC. But I also don’t want to be rude to this guy who’s trying his best and hasn’t been here very long. He’s always a little nervous/shy trying to give me report on the patient anyway, so I feel bad and want to just be nice. Getting upset with him won’t help the situation for any of us, you know?

Have you ever started a book that you knew immediately you were going to love? A book that felt specifically For You, where so many little details pique your interest and feel like they were written just for you to read them? That’s how I feel about the book I just started. It’s called Hidden Pictures, and yes there are actual pictures in the book! But all these little details are pinging in my brain as I was reading the first chapter, and the author’s style has a very natural and organic feel to it, flows very well. I can’t wait to get deeper into this book, cause so far it reads great.

We got a call from a tour guide saying he was going to bring someone in who wasn’t feeling well in their group, but that she doesn’t speak any English and has a foreign insurance. Not really a big deal overall, but our process for foreign patients is screwed up and nothing is really set in place or fixed. So we’re supposed to charge them after their visit, give them a receipt, and then they call their insurance and the insurance will reimburse them. Which would all be fine and dandy except we still have no way to put charges into the system to see how much they cost, do a total, enter the codes in for billing, or anything else. I don’t even know if that stuff is set up in Meditech yet. We have a “cash drawer” in Meditech that we can open and close and apparently charge things to, or collect money in, but nothing else is set up. So how can I complete this process and get the patient charged and all that if we have nothing set up and no procedures in place? Management keeps saying they’ll fix this and get us a set process, but of course nothing happens. But if we don’t do this shit then I bet you they’ll be like “why wasn’t the patient charged at discharge?” Just frustrating. Most I can do is have the nurses fill out paper charge sheets, which I can then scan and email to my boss who can figure it out with billing. Hopefully that’ll be good enough. I’ll have to mention the fact that there’s no way to put charges in or anything still, too. Ugh.

A lady came in saying she may have been gently bitten or scratched by a bat. Simple procedure, we just check them in for a rabies vaccine basically. But the interesting part of this story is that her husband caught the bat and they put it in a little glass jar and she’s convinced she needs to turn it over to the health department to check it for rabies. Krissy wouldn’t let them bring it into the hospital, for good reason. She kept telling them to let it go outside, but the lady kept saying she wanted to keep it. So her husband just went to put the jar and bat back in their car. Wild times

~7/29 (12am-8am)

So that weird call I got earlier about the foreign patient ended up not coming in, at first. The guy said they’d be getting a ride or an Uber or something but then never showed up. Couple hours later we got an ambulance page for someone who sounded like this patient, but then within like ten minutes dispatch said the ambulance was then cancelled. So we all kind of ignore it for a while, until about 2:30am when we get another page for that same patient, apparently this time they want to come in to the hospital for sure. So they get here and everything is fine, and I can hear the nurses talking about the situation, and apparently there was some kind of miscommunication all those hours earlier with dispatch and EMS, somehow they got the idea that the patient didn’t want to come in before or was going to come in by their own vehicle. So basically this patient was waiting in the lobby of their hotel for hours and hours for this ambulance that obviously never showed up until they decided to call for it again. If that were anyone other than a foreign patient that would be a huge lawsuit against EMS. But since she’s from out of the country I feel like she won’t even think to try to pursue anything, since it’d be a hassle for her. Which is really lucky for them. Just a terrible situation and we all feel awful for this patient having to suffer for so long

It’s crazy, we have no patients admitted on the main floor right now. I don’t know if that’s ever happened before, certainly not while I’ve worked here. I mean it’s great for the community and people not being so severely sick/hurt, but still very odd overall. So you got Med Surg nurses coming over here to talk and hang out (and sometimes jump in to help with patients) because they’re bored. Just got people sitting around doing fuck all over there. I mean truthfully that’s what I do, too, but still at least with my job there’s always the possibility that I’ll have to jump into action and actually do some work. Wild times we’re in here

~7/29 (3pm-12am)

A patient’s visitor had to come in and out a few times, but they were pretty nice, and I have the button now so I didn’t mind. They brought a little doggie in who was super sweet and cute. He held the dog up to the glass at my desk so I could wiggle my fingers under our little slide-through opening, and doggie leaned down to lick my finger 🥰 Anyhow, dude was finally leaving for good and as he was walking by he said he really loved my hair color, which was so nice to hear.

~7/30 (12am-9am)

Idk what all is going on with dispatch right now. Sometimes it’s hilarious to hear what they’re saying over the radios, though, since our police scanner picks everything up. So here’s a snippet I heard while scrolling TikTok earlier: Person A “Ohhh don’t say that out loud.” Person B “we’re all just trying to be more like you, sir.” Person C “L O L” (like they literally said it like ‘ell oh ell’ I’m not kidding)

I’m quite tired, and in my sleepy state I had a rather hilarious vision come to me. I don’t know what the future holds, but should I ever get married (whether to Bree or someone else) then obviously you’re gonna be one of my bridesmaids. We can think of a different title for the position, but I’m still absolutely going to put you in a dress like my other girls. Just for the actual ceremony, and just for the joke of it. It’s something I used to talk about doing with a different male friend of mine years and years ago (he’s gay, and we’re no longer friends, but he always rebutted by saying he’d make me wear a tux to be his groomsman, and I always agreed). So I got an image of you in a lovely satin, emerald green dress, strapless because that’s funnier, maybe some ruffle at the hemline? Holding a lovely bouquet of flowers, of course. Can you imagine? Ohh gave me a good laugh, so I hope it made you laugh too 😋

~7/30 (6pm-12am)

Since Bree and I became official I decided to just bite the bullet and tell dad right away so that I could get it over with. He took it better than I expected, actually. No yelling or screaming or anything like that. Of course I still got a bit of a lecture about it being a sin and how he’s going to pray for me everyday and shit like that. I think he took it personal in some way, saying stuff like “it makes me feel like I didn’t raise you right”, as if being gay is so horrendous, like I’m a murderer or something 🙄 but the whole thing only took about 15 minutes, he was quiet and calm, and then it was over. We agreed to just not talk about it, which is fine by me cause I really don’t care what he thinks anyway. But of course he says that he had a feeling and kind of knew anyway when she’d been over the other day (when we did the day trip to Cortez, she came inside briefly to meet/pet Jess). So if he wants to think he’s so special and observant and knew about us already then whatever, I’ll let him have that. I’m just glad it’s done with and I don’t have to keep worrying about it anymore 😮‍💨

We watched Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage, and that was pretty fun. The Venom movies have kind of a cheesy feel to them, very easy to watch and you don’t have to focus super intently, so even though I was kinda tired I was still able to enjoy it. I do love those big, ridiculous CGI fights, like in Deadpool 2 when Juggernaut fights Colossus, or pretty much everything in Transformers movies ha. So if you haven’t watched the Venom movies I’d definitely recommend them, they’re very fun 😊

~7/31 (7am-12am)

Woke up off and on through the night, couldn’t seem to get very comfortable, and damn cramps in my calf kept waking me up. I woke up for a little while around 7am, moved to the big recliner, took about an hour to fall asleep again, then I was mostly out around noon. Somehow I’m still a little tired 😅 but I’ve got a full day to just do nothing and relax by myself and not even leave the house, so I’m very pleased with that

I saw that the theatre in Moab now has Haunted Mansion, and they’re still playing the Barbie movie. So depending on showtimes this weekend, I asked Bree on a double movie date on Saturday, hopefully that’ll all work out nicely. I also asked my mom about having Bree over for dinner sometime, have my stepdad cook for us. She said it would be a nice idea so we’ll talk to Robert about that this week and see when we can plan something out 😊

Since we became official yesterday, Bree and I were talking about family’s reactions, cause I wanted to let her know about telling my dad. Her family is certainly much more supportive, and I’ve already met her parents since things just worked out that way with the Cortez trip and everything, and they’re both super sweet. So she said they were happy for us, and that her mom was like “I knew it!” 😂 And she said her grandma wants to meet me, so I’ll have to come over for dinner at her house sometime (Bree lives with her grandma and is a part-time caretaker, like how I am for my dad), which is why I then thought about having Bree over to mom and stepdad’s. But the response from almost everyone has been very positive and congratulatory, which is kind of a relief to me.

Bree already said yes to the movie date idea, that was quick 😂 I’ll have to wait for the theatre to post showtimes for Saturday, but the plan so far is to go see Barbie and Haunted Mansion, then go out for dinner after the movies. One of us will pay for movies and popcorn/snacks, the other will pay for dinner, and it all works out great ☺️ this’ll be a fun day, I’m super excited for those movies, but it’ll also be the longest date we’ve been able to have so far and really spend more time with each other, since most often we only have an hour or two because of our schedules. So I’ll write up an update for you after that takes place haha

I have a screenshot to go along with this, cause I think it’s cute, but Bree and I made matching posts on Facebook to announce our relationship 💖 I’ll send the pic at some other point in time, but didn’t want to forget to tell you about it

Going back to the date for a minute, cause I’m a bit excited about it, to say the least. I’ve been thinking about it all day, planning things out (I’m very Type A and need to plan everything down to the last detail basically). I’ve already got my outfit decided on, and a makeup look to go with it. I know I don’t need to like dress up or anything, and she doesn’t either, but it’s like… I kinda wanna impress her a little bit, you know? I know that’s probably kind of silly, since we’re already together and everything, but still. Plus then if we decide to take pictures together I’ll look good for them 😅😂

This whole relationship thing is a little crazy to me, really. I’m still kind of wrapping my head around all of it and trying to get it to set in. I’m just so awestruck all the time, thinking to myself “I have a girlfriend”, and it’s so brand new and it makes me feel tingly when I do think about it. And just how easy it’s been and everything, how we fell into it so naturally, and we both are pretty in tune with each other and are on the same level of intensity about things. I have to keep reminding myself that she likes me, and she already has seen me at times where I wasn’t at my best (like coming to work in pajamas, no makeup, hair up, tired as shit, basically how I am at least once or twice in my workweek anyway ha), and that never changed her perception of me. I still get stuck sometimes, thinking to myself that she can do better and things like that, you know how my anxiety can get. But I’ve found it a lot easier to pull myself away from those thoughts with her, since she did like me for a long time before I got the courage up to ask her out. And even that I can’t believe. Someone liked me? When they saw all the weird, not great parts of me? When I wasn’t wearing makeup or trying to look my best? Someone *still* likes me?? Someone wants to be with me despite all of that?? That’s what’s crazy to me. That’s what I can’t wrap my head around sometimes and I have to keep trying to get it to set in. And her and I have talked about some of this, not necessarily to this level, but I did explain to her that I get really bad anxiety and need a lot of reassurance, that I’ll probably ask her sometimes about still wanting to be with me, etc., and she’s ok with all of that. She has similar issues, and we both know I’m very overbearing in telling someone how much I care about them, so it won’t exactly be hard for me to shower her with kind words and assurances and all of that. It’s funny, when we were just friends I used to say that “we have the same ADHD, and we’re the same type of gay.” Should have taken that as a sigh to ask her sooner, huh? 😅

Sorry for babbling so much about this relationship stuff. I’m sure by this point in reading this huge thing you’re already annoyed. And I can almost guarantee it will get worse as the days go on (six days is a very long time, especially when I’ve not got much of a life and too much time to think). But thanks for giving me the push I needed to actually ask her out, cause it worked out really well for me. I appreciate all your support. You’re a damn good ally 🏳️‍🌈

Onto some not great news, my mom got fired. I don’t know what all led up to it today, but I do what’s been happening this whole time and frankly it just sounds like a lot of discrimination against her. I hope she contacts a lawyer because I’m sure she’d have a good case that she could proceed with. Just hope things work out for her soon, I know she’s been applying to lots of jobs recently anyway cause she was feeling this was going to happen a while ago. So I just hope it works out for the better. There’s not much else I can do, really. I don’t think I could even pitch in for bills, or at least not much anyway, since I still have to pay for my own house and bills and food, etc., and sometimes the budget is kinda tight as it is (not like I’m getting a bunch of overtime every week in normal circumstances). But I’ll talk to her about it when I see her Wednesday, see if there’s a way I can help at all.

~8/1 (12am-1am)

I hope you’re having a wonderful time on vacation. It’s definitely hard not talking to you, since I have less to occupy my time. I have to keep reminding myself not to constantly refresh my tumblr waiting for a message from you 😅 got so used to it, it’s just a habit now, so I’m trying to break out of that for a while. Miss you a bunch already. But as long as you’re having fun and getting to rest and have a break, that’s what’s most important 🙂 can’t wait to hear about everything when you get back, I’m counting the days haha

Dad finally decided to re-watch the Saw movies with me, so we watched the first two today (or technically yesterday, I guess by this time). Hadn’t seen the first one in so long I’d kinda forgotten a lot of the little details, so it was cool to experience it again. I remembered a lot more of the second one, but it was still fun to watch again and relive it a bit. Dad and I were reminiscing about the first time we watched them when I was a kid (since the first Saw came out in 2004, and I was about 9-10 depending on what month we actually ended up watching it). Growing up we always bonded best over horror movies, because it was special getting to see them as a kid when nobody else you knew was allowed to watch that stuff, and if we were watching a horror movie I knew I wasn’t in trouble for anything and we weren’t going to fight, we’d just get snacks and enjoy the bloodshed. I recently came to that revelation in a therapy session a couple months back, that those memories and rare good times are a big part of what contributes to my love of horror and why it’s so special to me. Idk maybe I mentioned that before, I can’t remember. But in any case, watching the Saw movies again gives me those good memories and happy feelings. Which I guess is kinda weird when you consider how much gore there is in them. It is what it is now 🤷🏼‍♀️ and I know they’re not your thing, I’m not saying any of this to try to prod you into watching them. Just sharing the happy stuff, you know

But speaking of Saw, on that first day Bree and I were together when we were driving back from Cortez we were talking about horror and stuff, and I was talking about how much I love Saw, and she said she’s never seen any of them either. I was telling her how excited I was for the new one and she said “so you’re saying I have to catch up on all the others before we go see the new one together, right?” Which was so adorable/sweet, in my opinion. And gory stuff doesn’t bother her at all, so I think she’ll be fine watching them. So yeah I’m pretty sure I can get her to watch them with me soon, too. And frankly I’ll marathon Saw any damn day of the week, won’t ever say no to watching those movies (I really am sick in the head huh? 😂). But this I’m mentioning because I thought it was cute the way she talked about catching up, and insinuating that we’d go see the new one on a date. She’s wonderful 😊

~8/1 (6am-12am)

Didn’t sleep super great, again. I got to cuddle Jess for a while, which was nice, but I woke up pretty stiff/sore. Moved to the recliner but couldn’t really fall back to sleep, mostly just rest my eyes and stretched out there for about an hour and a half. I did have this very silly dream at some point though. You finally said you’d be ok exchanging phone numbers so we could just like text and stuff, and you said “I’ll give you one day to send me as many stupid TikToks as you want, but only one day and then we gotta limit it” so I just went fucking wild 😂 I swear I must have sent you like 150, which you were kind enough to watch and react to all of them. I think it took you like two hours to get through them all, but you did it. So that was just funny

Had my therapy session this morning, which went pretty well. I’m learning to be more positive and have good changes and growth, so he thinks I’m doing great overall. We’re finding that I’m really internalizing the lessons and tools we discuss in therapy, and using them to make changes to my life overall so that I’m living happier and healthier, whereas other patients have some trouble with that and need to focus to get those lessons to become more natural for them. I was doing it without even realizing it, so that’s great news. Sometimes I don’t recognize the positive changes I’ve made until we hold up the mirror for me to see, but at least they’re there. Next week we’re going to do a trauma intensive session where we really go through one traumatic event (in this case we’ll be discussing my homelessness) and work through that. It’s blocked out for 2 hours, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m kinda excited, really, cause I’ll finally get to purge so much of this shit stuck inside from going through all that.

Aside from just therapy I’ve had a rather full day (for me, anyway). I also had a different doctor’s appointment, then had to go to the post office and pharmacy. And at the post office they gave me the wrong package and I didn’t realize it at first, so once I caught that I had to go back in to get the right package instead. Finally home, it’s about 1pm now, and I’m just completely exhausted. Idk why but I feel so wiped out, and my eyes are so tired. I’m gonna try to take a nap in a bit, I think.

I hope you’re out doing a bunch of fun stuff, or maybe just getting to relax for a while since you need some rest, too. Ugh I miss you terribly. Is it Sunday yet? 😅

I took my nap and now I feel much better and more rested. I had some leftover chili cheese fries from the place we went to for lunch, which was even good cold 😋 and dad and I are planning to watch Saw 3 soon. Just gonna try to run through the whole series before the new one comes out, because I know he’s going to want to try to see it in theatres with me if he’s able. Have to see if he loses enough weight to be able to go to a theatre and handle walking around, stuff like that. But he did actually start his diet again recently, so hopefully he’ll stick to it and get healthier here little by little. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can with buying better food and such, so you know. Anyway, I digress, not gonna go on and on 

Speaking of Saw, I got my purse today! I haven’t opened the box yet, so I’ll write up another little update once I do, but at least I got the package and don’t have to keep tracking it all the time now. I’m super excited to switch everything into it now

Also found that if I word things in a certain way with my dad he’s much more receptive/supportive about things (at least as much as he can be). So if I just say something like “Bree and I are planning to go see these movies on Saturday, so I probably won’t be home until Sunday morning”, he won’t get upset about it and will just say “that’s good, you deserve to have fun.” It kind of bridges the gap between us now. We both know Bree is my girlfriend, but not saying it that way makes it easier for him to accept, I think. It’s not a perfect situation, and I don’t know that I’ll ever really get acceptance from him on this, but right now it’s progress and the best I can hope for. Some years ago it would have been a huge fight, and he would have kept prodding at me and bringing it up to yell at me and try to make me breakup with her, so I guess I can be thankful that he’s made enough strides in personal growth that it doesn’t have to be like that. I still do feel a little weird/nervous even mentioning her name, simply because the knowledge of the relationship is out there, and I worry it’ll trigger something and make him huff or say something rude. But so far that hasn’t happen, so I’m trying to let it go.

Oh this reminds me, swinging back to my therapy for a moment, my therapist was at first kinda shocked to hear about Bree. He was like “what? When did this happen? Who’s Bree?” And I had to laugh. I went through the whole thing, and I know I’ve mentioned her before but not like a ton since I’m always talking about myself, of course, so I guess he forgot her name in combination with how many other friends I’ve mentioned before. I had to explain how things just kind of fell together, because he was surprised I’d never mentioned these types of romantic feelings towards her or going on dates or anything. I had to keep being like “it just happened, bro, like a week ago” 😂 but in any case he thinks that is awesome, and a great positive change in my life and something to be proud of for stepping up and asking her out myself, which is really nice to hear

I was thinking about you a bit today (though when am I not, really? 😅), just in like wondering what you’re up to on vacation and stuff like that. I’ve got a vision of my head of you smiling and being happy, and that makes me smile to think of 🙂

I finally opened the package for my new purse and it looks amazing! I’ll send pics later on (when you’re back around here), but I’m really so happy with this purchase. It’s a lot bigger than I expected, since a lot of these novelty bags can be pretty small and barely hold anything inside. But this one has a decently large holding area, with a side pouch inside. I think I might even be able to still fit a book inside along with all my other things. I’ll have to try that tomorrow when I move everything else into it. Can’t wait to walk into work with this creepy ass purse, freak out the nurses 😂

Also got around to washing my hair. I know it’s kinda gross to wait so long, but I wanted to go a full week to let the color really set into my roots and let my natural oils come back into my scalp, since bleaching is pretty harsh. So far there’s been minimal leaking of the color during washing, and it still looks pretty vibrant even after using shampoo and conditioner and all that. The stylist I went to did a great job, I’ll probably go back to her the next time I want to do a color, too. I’m thinking maybe bright purple in November? For my birthday haha

~8/2 (12am-2:30am)

I’m super awake all of a sudden. I thought my warm shower would relax me, since I was doing all my nice skincare and stuff, but it seems to have done the opposite 😬 ah well, I suppose I can stay up a bit since I don’t have any specific time I need to go back to mom’s house, really. As long as I’ve got enough time to pack lunch before work I’m good. But I’ve been finding it so hard to sleep lately, so who knows what’ll happen, regardless of how I try to plan things out. Maybe I should try to go to mom’s early, that way I have time to talk to her about what happened with work and see if I can make her feel a little better or something 😕

Definitely not looking forward to work tomorrow, but then when am I ever? And I like my job, really. I’m just still kinda worn out in general, I think. I was doing so much on my mini vacation that I didn’t really have much time to rest at all. Would have been nice to have had a full day in the hotel, just ordering pizza or other takeout, watchinf something silly on tv, reading, all that good stuff. I’ll have to try to plan for that next time I get to do something like that. Work won’t be so bad, I guess. Only 3 days cause this is my short week, and then Saturday I’ll get to watch movies and have dinner with Bree, and I’m very excited for that, so I’ve got something to look forward to 😊 I’m gonna try to finish this book I’m on, too. I’ve got 3 days, should be fine to finish it out, especially since I am enjoying it. Oh and I should try to get caught up on one of my shows that started again recently… already putting too much on myself, and then I’ll end up doing nothing, so I should stop now and just breathe 😅

Sorry for babbling so much here, and in general. I know none of this stuff is really all that important, some of it’s probably kinda boring/annoying to you by now. It is pretty hard for me not to get to talk to you, so this is the easiest way for me to kind of fill that void. Though maybe expecting you to read all this isn’t really fair of me… but I know I’d forget so much of this if I just wanted to talk to you when you got back, especially with so much to catch up on and wanting to hear all about your trip and everything. And it would definitely be shitty if I were just spamming you all day while you’re off trying to have fun. But I still kinda feel like this big long message is a bit of a burden on you to try to read and respond to (not that I expect you to respond to every little thing, or even most of this, since a lot of this is just me talking or telling you a silly story). The thing is, I know you *will* read it. You’re the only person I can really trust to read everything I send to you, no matter what, which really means a lot to me. You always make me feel heard and appreciated and respected. I hope I do the same for you. And I think maybe because I know I can count on you for that, that’s why I feel a little guilty about doing this. Ah I don’t know. Just stuck in my feelings again, you know me. I’ve come too far now to stop or try to delete all this or anything, so I guess you’ll just have to deal with it 🤷🏼‍♀️

But also, I wanna say thanks for always making time for me. Even when you were super busy cleaning and getting everything ready before the vacation, you still took the time to talk to me every day when you could, and I can’t even really put into words how much that matters to me. Yeah I miss you, yeah I wish I could talk to you more often overall, but the weight of those actions overshadows the other stuff. I really am just glad to be a part of your life every day, and have you in mine. Wish I could hug you for real, but guess this’ll have to do 🫂

Idk why I’m all mushy right now. Though I guess this is how I usually am anyway, so not like you aren’t used to me. But still. I’ve been a little overwhelmed with emotions lately, dealing with a lot of stuff swirling around in my head and all that. I won’t get into it, I know you don’t want to hear about this, just saying it’s contributing to my being a little sweeter right now 😅 you do deserve to hear this stuff, though. You’re my best friend for a reason. You really are such a wonderful person, and I care very much for you.

Alright I’ll stop all that for now before I say something we’ll both regret ha

I’m trying this new sleep mask thing, not one of those ones that goes over your eyes but like a cream mask (skincare thing), it’s meant to be an overnight moisturizer. You apply a thin layer, rub into your skin, let it dry, leave it on all night, then rinse face in warm water in the morning. So it’s all dry and everything by now, and it’s already left my skin pretty soft and smooth. Some parts of my face can get pretty dry, but this makes everything feel evened out, which I really like. And it smells pretty cause it’s lavender and chamomile 😌

I am kinda hungry though, but I don’t have anything to snack on. I wish I had more chips and salsa, but I finished those off yesterday. I don’t really want to get out of bed, but I’m still gonna complain about wanting a snack 😂

~8/2 (1:30pm-6pm)

Ugh I’m so tired. I’ve barely slept at all. Didn’t get to bed until 2:30am, woke up at 7:30am, then was very in and out until about 11:30am. I tried laying around a bit, but it hasn’t worked, and my eyes just want to close. But I have to start getting ready to go to mom’s soon, and then also get ready for work and all that. I want to do some nice makeup today, but I’m also so tired I kinda wanna be lazy about that, so I’m in a debate with myself for it. I’ll probably end up doing it anyway, since I want to be able to use all that stuff I just bought as often as I can. But maybe I’ll do a really simple look today. Like just face stuff (foundation, contour/highlight, blush) and some quick eyeliner and mascara. Eh in any case I’ll take some pics to show you later on

I still have to switch everything to the new bag, too. Didn’t do it last night because I was being lazy, so now I’ll have to do it right before I leave. I guess that’s not so bad, shouldn’t take too long anyway.

I was having some weird dreams about being on Price is Right, probably cause I was hearing my dad watching it in the other room. In the dream I was part of the show, but more in the background? So not like a model presenting stuff directly. But there were these giant water tanks with fake coral on the stage now, behind all the games (or I guess the tanks were stable and the games got moved around in front of them) and me and two other people were hired to be “mermaids” in the tank, I guess to make the games exciting and look fun with the new setup. In real life there are shops where you can buy silicone mermaid tails that you can wear in pools and such, so in the dream we had those special tails to use for swimming in the tank. I remember mine being really colorful but I can’t remember the actual colors now, of course 😅 so basically I spent this dream swimming around a nice tank, waving at contestants and shit. Such a dumb dream, thought it might give you a little laugh

Got to my mom’s house around 3:45pm, so I got to talk to her for a bit. She told me the whole story about what happened with her getting fired, and she’s already contacted a lawyer, which is good. I feel bad, but there’s not much I can do aside from be encouraging/comforting/supportive. Things will work out as they’re meant to, I suppose.

She’s a little overbearing on the support of my relationship though, like she’s getting weird about certain things. Like I told her about me and Bree going out on Saturday and she says “I don’t mind if you bring her over, but you guys can’t be alone in your room together.” What, am I 12?? Not that we’re at that stage yet in the first place, but geez she doesn’t have to act like that either way. And then she says “I just don’t want other people enjoying sex in my house if I’m not able to partake anymore” (cause after her hysterectomy it’s too painful for her to do anything, I know I mentioned that before). I don’t know what to do about her 🤦🏼‍♀️ she’s still more accepting and everything than my dad, so I gotta put up with her, but still she’s bugging me a little bit

I did end up doing my makeup, so I’ll save some pics to send later on. I’m not so tired anymore, so that’s something. I packed up a lunch for work, but I’ll probably go grab something quick from McDonald’s before I go in, cause I’m hungry but too tired to make anything else.

Oh yeah, my mom asked if I had told you about Bree yet, basically insinuating that you might be jealous for some reason. I was like “who do you think encouraged me to ask her out?” which surprised her enough to shut her up. I slipped and told her I liked you one time, now I’ll never hear the end of it 😬

Bree texted me earlier and said people are talking about us at work. Of course the word’s gotten out already, since gossip spreads quick in the hospital. But it’s no big deal since we made it public and everything, so let ‘em talk. Someone told Bree congrats though, which is cute 😂

I did end up getting McDonald’s for a snack. I always order a Diet Coke, right. But at the window the girl’s said it was just Coke, so I politely said it was supposed to be Diet. She took it back and said she’d change it, gave me a new drink, it ends up being Coke anyway 🙄 it’s not a huge deal to have a regular coke here and there, I just really don’t care much for it. So I’m blaming you for this 😋

I wonder if we’re getting a storm coming through. I’m sitting in the McDonald’s parking lot and all of a sudden we got hit with these huge gusts of strong winds, and it stayed windy for about 5 minutes or so. It’s calmed down now, but still that was kinda weird

Almost time for me to go into work, sigh. And knowing I won’t get to talk to you at all just makes my work day that much more boring. At least when I’m obsessively checking tumblr for your messages it makes the time pass quicker 😅 I’m just joking around though, really. I’m sure it’ll be a good day

~8/2 (6pm-12am)

Figure I’ll break this up a bit today, since it was getting to be a long block of text up there before.

As I was walking in I could hear really loud thunder, and the wind picked up again. The sky is all gray and dark, too, I love it 😊 I just saw some lighting and it started to rain a few minutes ago, hopefully the rain will drive everyone away ha

Prudence is covering some shifts now that McKenna is gone. And it’s great that she’s helping out and everything, but at the same time she’s not really used to the way ER works, so there’s a lot I have to check up on to make sure they don’t need to be cleaned up. So far just a few things not done, like labeling the incoming faxes, but that’s really not a big deal. And I know she was frazzled from working something she doesn’t know well, but she said they had 6 patients today and that that was a lot… but I digress

I’m a little annoyed though cause the chair I’d been using has been moved. Tess brought it back here specifically for me, and it had been fine for a while, so there’s no reason it shouldn’t still be here. So now I gotta email Tess and see about getting it back, and hopefully I can get a bit comfortable in this other chairs and not wreck my back today ☹️

Idk why but I’m like burning up today. Maybe I just haven’t had enough time to sit and let my body regulate, cause I’ve had to do some paperwork and stuff already at work here. Or maybe it’s the pound of makeup on my face 😂 in any case, I feel muggy and it’s gross. I’m gonna drink some water and see if that helps.

I hope it’s not too hot where you are right now. Though I suppose if you stayed anywhere in the south then it’s bound to be hot no matter what 🤔 but I hate being hot and sweaty on vacation, cause then I’m just uncomfortable and cranky the whole time, so I hope you’re not going through that kind of thing right now cause that would not be fun. Or maybe you’ve been indoors a lot, and then it wouldn’t really matter how hot it is outside if you’re in nice AC 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m just babbling away cause I’m bored, you know how it goes. Not much to do right now aside from waiting for Bree to come see me after her shift ends. I’ve got half a mind to jokingly ask her if she wants to kiss in the rain 😅 but I don’t want to make her too uncomfortable since we are at work still

Georgia’s birthday is coming up on 8/5, but I’m hearing that there’s already cake somewhere around the ER 👀 I’m gonna have to go hunt it down and have a little piece soon

The whole quitting smoking thing has been going pretty well, for the most part. It’s harder when I’m driving or about to go to work, cause that’s when I’d smoke most often, so that’s when I feel the cravings a bit more. Or if I see someone smoking (like on tv or a movie or whatever; for example, there’s some minor smoking scenes in Saw and that made me want one pretty bad) then I tend to want a cigarette moreso since it’s a visual association. But otherwise it’s not awful. I don’t have too hard of a time pushing those thoughts away and distracting myself from the cravings and such. It is still a bit difficult trying to remove it from my psyche in the sense of it being like such a huge part of my personality and things like that, but I think I’m doing ok with that right now.

Idk what’s going on but I heard Krissy say “I’m sorry, I got seduced by the cottage cheese!” So that’s fun out of context

Speaking of, I don’t know how Krissy is still here. She never seems to have a day off, this one. At this point we should just dedicate one of the rooms to her so she can rest when her shift is done 😂

I was taking care of some things I needed to handle for college coming up at the end of this month, and my student loans don’t cover the full amount of my tuition for this semester. I’m thinking I may need to drop 1-2 classes of the 4 I’m enrolled in, which would make my academic journey take longer, but could be more affordable. Cause how am I gonna come up with $1700 by the 16th?? That’s how much is left over after my loans pay out. My mom suggested looking into payment plans or trying to get a student loan with my bank, so I guess I’ll look into all that this weekend. Just sucks, the way things were estimated when I was first applying/enrolling seemed like the loan would be just enough to cover everything, maybe a couple hundred bucks I’d have to throw in. I suppose if I do have to give up some classes I can put off like Nutrition and Balancing Work and Family, since I wasn’t super excited for those anyway, and they were mostly credit courses to take off some prerequisites for my eventual majors. Not like I can’t just take them some other time. As long as I can keep creative writing and Geology I think I’ll be happy with that, because then I’m still making progress towards what I want to do for my Bachelor’s eventually (well, sort of anyway; Geology isn’t really part of Health Science, but is still a science, so I’m counting it). Ugh I should have been born into generational wealth. Fucking poor parents that I’m stuck with 🙄

Bree came to spend time with me, of course. We had a nice time just hanging out together. We always end up laughing and telling each other silly stories. And we try not to be too PDA at work, for obvious reasons, but we keep the door between me and the nurses closed when she’s here, and try to talk a little quieter, so we held hands for a minute when she’d first come by, and before she left I got a full on hug and it felt so wonderful. Not just the human contact, but the closeness to my partner and the love in the hug. I got some butterflies just from that 🥰 and she knows about my need to confirm things a bunch of times and all that, so she actively talked about our Saturday plans with that positive confirmation, and said she was super excited to go out that day, which really made me feel special. I have a lot of trouble with feeling like I’m bothering people or being too pushy or overbearing or whatever, especially when I have to ask them about confirming plans, and I always have that question of “do they really want to spend time with me” in the back of my head, but she always makes it so clear that she wants to be with me and spend time with me and all of that, and it really just fills my heart with so much joy.

Ah sorry for babbling about Bree again. I’m just having a moment over here 😅 haven’t been in a relationship in so long, and the last person I was with wasn’t all that great during the relationship anyway, so I’m not used to kind treatment. It short circuits me a little bit, because there’s also that part of me that feels like I don’t deserve to be treated so nicely. But I’m starting to work through that little by little. Anyhow, I can’t say it won’t happen again, because we both know that it will. Obviously I’ll be giving you every detail of what happens Saturday, too 😂 but I’ll try to keep it on a minimum until then haha

~8/3 (12am-6am)

Tim’s working this week, and Krissy was only doing a half shift tonight so she left at midnight. She’s finally getting like 5 days off, poor thing has been working a crazy schedule for weeks now. But anyway, the ER is empty and Dr Reay is in the Doc Box, so it’s just me and Tim in here. He’s at his desk at the nurse’s station, but it’s directly behind me, so every so often we’ll just kinda yell something to each other 😂 mostly just hanging around and doing our own thing though, and it’s very comfortable

We were also hearing that search and rescue got called out for someone on a river around here. Idk who was out doing river activities after midnight, but of course they were gonna get swept away 🙄 but search and rescue found them, which is good, and hopefully they’re ok and won’t need to come around here

I think my TikTok gave up on my algorithm cause at this point it’s all just masked dudes 😅 not that I’m really complaining about that or anything, just saying it’s kinda funny that I broke TikTok and turned my page into this. I did discuss these videos with Bree, and she doesn’t mind me watching them still. Which maybe I mentioned that before, I can’t remember now. But it’s nice that she doesn’t care, cause I don’t know how I’d get it to reset at this point 😳

And I’ll say what I’m always saying: I miss you so much. Work really is harder to get through without getting to talk to you, or even just message you with the knowledge that you’ll see my message the next day and I’ll get to talk to you later on. I’m just so bored and have very little to occupy my time. TikTok is fun but it can get boring after a while, too. And I have my book but I tend to get distracted while reading lately. My mind is always wandering and it goes places I don’t always want it to go, so that’s not great. And I have trouble just sitting and watching something. I have to move my hands and fidget in some way, so I end up going on my phone and then missing parts of the plot. So I’m just having a blah kind of time in general. And I’m also jealous cause you don’t have to work this week, and I wish I didn’t have to work because I’d definitely like some more time to rest/relax right now. I’m pretty sleepy right now, honestly. Hopefully that’ll make me sleep better when I get back home, but still. I knew not getting to talk to you would be difficult for me, but damn this is starting to hurt 😅 that means you’re stuck with me forever then, now you’re definitely not allowed to ever leave me or not be friends with me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ok in all seriousness though, I know the way I’m talking makes it sound like it’s all about me. But I honestly am happy that you’re off having a good time and getting a vacation and all that. You really did need a break, can’t think of anyone more deserving of some time away than you. I just like to talk, and typing this up helps fill my time and keep me occupied/awake. And I guess I’m a little worried that you won’t come back on here or talk to me anymore now that you haven’t had to put up with me for a while. I feel like I pressure you in some way to talk to me every day when you are here, or like it’s becoming an obligation you have to fulfill. I’m always worried that I’m being annoying or overbearing or whatever else I’m being, since I don’t know how to shut my damn mouth. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth or saying that you actually feel that way, I just always have it in the back of my head that at some point you could feel that way, if that makes sense.

Bleh ok enough of this serious nonsense for now. Im not trying to bring the mood down or anything. I know you’re not gonna want to read all this moody crap after a nice vacation, so I’m trying to limit all this. Just get stuck on those 3am thoughts, you know? But we’re moving on.

Tim offered to make us some coffee in a bit here, so that’s nice of him. I don’t know how to use the fancy coffee machines in the break room anyway, since they’re like espresso makers or some shit. Do you think it’s a good idea to have a double shot at 3am? Maybe if I dilute it with enough cream and sugar it’ll be fine 🤔

Tim showed me how to use all the fancy coffee machines, they’re actually not as complicated as I thought they’d be, they just look a little intimidating at first. I don’t really drink coffee very much, but nice to have the option. But Tim found one of Caitlin’s old mugs in the cupboard and of course I’m having to use hers 😂 but we both kinda got to gripe about her, so that was fun. Tim is super nice though, he won’t outright say anything mean about anyone, which is a lovely quality in a person. Anyhow, I did use up a bunch of cream and sugar but the coffee tastes pretty good. A little bitter, but not terrible. And caffeine really doesn’t affect me very much, so I’ll still be able to sleep when I get home. Also they found that person on the river and they’re fine, don’t need medical attention or anything, just need to get somewhere dry. I’m glad that all worked out for the best.

I found some of the good chairs floating around in front of the nurse’s station (and I usually never have to walk around there, so I wonder if they were there all day and I just didn’t see them). So thankfully I’ve got one now, but it’s 4am and my back is already half wrecked. At least I’ve got some relief for the moment

Tim and I got to chat for about an hour, just full on sitting and talking to each other. Which we don’t do super often for some reason. I think we just got so comfortable with each other that we don’t really need to have long conversations often. But he’s nice to talk to cause we do get along really well, especially when it’s just us two around here. After that he had to do stocking in some of the rooms, and I had to do my paperwork. But as he’s stocking one of the big trauma rooms in front of our areas he calls me over telling me to help him count all the outlets in that room. Turns out one of the new trauma rooms has 52 outlets, and the other has 48. For what purpose?? We’re such a small hospital, I don’t think we even have enough machines to plug into those outlets all at one time. And there’s no reason a patient would need that many things at once anyway, so it’s grossly unnecessary. We were laughing about it because we have all these outlets but no bathroom on this new side of the ER. The things that get overlooked in planning, you know? Just wild

~8/3 (4pm-12am)

Woke up with my back basically in shards. That chair I had to use most of last night really did a number on me. And Tess had texted me to ask if we could meet up when I got to work later, so I guess she’s going to come talk to me around 6pm or so when I clock in. I don’t know what she wants, and I usually get along with Tess very well, but I have a feeling that she’s going to bring up what happened with my mom, and I don’t really want to discuss that with someone in management. But we’ll just have to see what happens. Maybe she just wants to see my hair, since she’s one of the only people who hasn’t seen it yet after giving me the ok for it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bree texted me some cute little drawings/comics of cows, so that was very pleasant to wake up to 🥰

This morning mom told me she had leftover spaghetti in the fridge, so I’ll get to have that before I go to work, which is awesome. I’ve been craving spaghetti anyway so that works out great 😋

Just had the spaghetti and it was really good. Kinda wish there was more cause I’m still a bit hungry 😅

I had to upload on ibuprofen when I woke up, since my back was hurting so bad. And I took an extra Prednisone. I’ve been able to rest in my chair here for a little bit (still at mom’s house) so I feel a bit better now, hopefully it gets better as the night goes on.

I was dreaming about Bree and I going out on Saturday, and I woke up all sad that I still had to wait a couple days to be able to do that 😂

I also got to cuddle Ty for a bit. He gave me some kisses on my nose. He doesn’t really like to be held/cuddled so much anymore with how sick and grumpy he is all the time, but sometimes he likes when I pick him up and cradle him for a few minutes. My mom gets a little jealous though cause he doesn’t really let her do that anymore ha

Pre-season football apparently starts today, which I just found out when I woke up. But the preseason game that’s on tonight has teams I don’t care about, so guess I still won’t be watching it. Unless Erika wants me to bring it up at work so that all of us can wander in and watch while dealing with patients and such. I’ve done that for her before. I just hope I get to see my Seahawks play this season, I didn’t really get to see many of their games last year, or many games in general. So I’m gonna try to stay more on top of it this year if I can. Last year we were so busy around the hospital that even when I could pull up games it was hard to keep up since we’d get so many patients and have to run around doing things. But this year we’ve been oddly slower for several weeks, and if it keeps trending this way then I should be fine to watch most of the games that play during my work week (like Thursday night football).

Tess did come around for a while. We talked very briefly about what happened with my mom. I tried to keep it kinda shut down, just saying we don’t really talk about work much at home and that she’s just trying to move on, stuff like that. But Tess wanted to assure me that my job is secure and nothing is going to happen to me or my stepdad, so that’s something. We also discussed some new processes for the clerks to handle, most of which is just redundant. If our cash box stays at $200 and doesn’t get opened or used or anything during the course of a shift, what’s the point of filling out and turning in a stupid little slip just to say nothing changed? Seems pointless unless we actually do have something change, like taking a payment from a patient or needing to take out money from the box for a cab or whatever, and then those things have other specific forms to fill out anyway, so it just seems like a lot of hullabaloo to me. But I’ll do it anyway, because I’m supposed to 😬

At least talking to Tess took up about an hour, so only 11 more to go now. Tim is working this week, so I can talk to him if I get bored. And Brandi is back, too, and since things were getting better between us last time she was here I might try to start up a conversation about books or something when we’re a bit calmer. I’m pretty sure there’s still cake in the breakroom, too, so maybe I’ll grab a piece later on. So far seems like just a normal day, which I guess is better than an abnormal day 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wonder what you’re up to right now 🤔 I know you’ll tell me later, but I’m still trying to figure out where you went, so my mind is coming up with random images trying to piece it together. Idk why but I kinda have an image of you next to some kind of famous statue, flexing as you lean against it, something like that. Would love to see you in some kind of silly hat. I’m not sure why that’s what came to me just now, but I think it’d be funny to see this big tough guy in like Mickey Mouse ears or something 😂 well wherever you are I hope you’re staying hydrated, wearing sunscreen, all the good stuff. Maybe next time you’ll take a vacation out here in Utah, hmm? 😉 just messing with you. I’d love to get to hang out with you someday, of course, but I don’t know that you’d like it much out here. It’s kinda boring unless you really love hiking/camping/outdoor shit. The only fun you’d really have out here would be getting to see me, but then I’m even more annoying in real life and you’d probably be sick of me after ten minutes 😅 but still, maybe one day I’ll get to see you for real 😊

Ugh just had a patient’s husband come in, saying he was here to pick up his wife. So frankly he should have just waited in the lobby the five minutes it would have taken for her to come out since she was already discharged. But he asked if he could just come back to the room to see her and walk her out, and that’s all fine, so I let him in and show him what room she’s in. And then he gets all huffy, saying like “what kind of hospital is this? You don’t keep track of your patients?” I explained that we recently renamed a lot of the rooms due to construction, so I confirmed which room it was and said that the nurses told me which room she was assigned to. He’s still all upset, “well, she’s not in there. And she was discharged so she shouldn’t be anywhere else.” And then she walks out of the bathroom and comes over to him 🙄 but do I get an apology? Do I get an acknowledgement that we were doing everything right and she was simply using the restroom before leaving? No, of course not. He and his wife just leave, and he still seems to be in a pissy mood. Almost seemed like he was angry with his wife for being in the ER at all, but that’s not my business. I hate these kinds of assholes, so quick to blame us for nothing, but never admitting they’re wrong 😡

Bree came by to see me, but only very briefly cause she was tired. Apparently they were pretty busy in the lab today. So she just gave me a hug and said she was gonna dip out pretty quick. I was definitely a little 🥺 but I understand that she needs time to rest and everything, too. And she said she’ll bring tea over tomorrow to spend time with me at work, so that’s nice. We quickly discussed plans for date night Saturday, about like when we wanted to get dinner around the movies’ schedules, got that all settled. I’m so excited, I get tingly little butterflies just thinking about the upcoming date haha. But the only problem with Bree not staying to hang out with me is that now I have even more time to try to occupy on my own, but not much to do. I am trying to finish this book in the next two days, though, so maybe with this extra time I can get a bit farther in. We shall see

We’ve got a suicidal patient, so the social workers from 4 Corners have to be here, which would be fine if they didn’t have to use my office for things 😬 but since I have an extra computer and more space compared to the nurse’s station or anywhere else at least one of the social workers has to be here in my cubby. So I can’t close the door to eat or watch my shows privately. But at this point I don’t really care so much. I’m too hungry to wait until they’re gone, and I’ve got my show playing very quietly with subtitles on so I don’t bother anyone. Still kinda sucks though, cause I hate not having my own space. But at least that patient is getting help, which is much more important

The show I was watching had some sexual content in it, not like nudity or anything, but talking about getting fucked and such. And with everyone around I thought hmm maybe that’s a bit inappropriate for the work place. So I turned it off, then went through the channels on Hulu to see that Saw 2 was playing, and I put that on instead. Because somehow the gore and death seems more appropriate than talking about sex 😂 and I proceeded to eat my cup of noodle ramen while watching someone try to make a decision about whether or not to cut out their own eye to survive. I think maybe there is something wrong with me after all 🤷🏼‍♀️

~8/4 (12am-7am)

Been a rather boring night. Only had 2 patients all day, thankfully. We do like it quiet around here. I was on TikTok for a bit, but it got boring after a while. Still kind of neglecting my reading, but I did try to get through more of the book. I managed alright, decent enough progress, but my mind wandered away again, so I got stuck in a daydream for a good 15 minutes or so. But earlier I got to sit around talking with Brandi and Tim, which was actually pretty nice, and passed quite a bit of time. And I did get some cake earlier, which was pretty good. The chocolate cake was all gone, of course, so I had a small piece of the yellow cake with vanilla buttercream, and I liked it quite a bit. It was a nice treat. I guess Georgia won’t be here until next weekend, which is why they had all the cake and everything done the other day. I’m gonna see if I can get her a card to give her next week.

I’m pretty tired now, like my eyes just want to close on me. But I know the second I get home I’ll be wide awake, go figure. I’m gonna try to go to bed a bit earlier, but we’ll see how that goes

I know I’m getting repetitive by now, but I’m really missing you pretty badly at the moment. It’s like you’re haunting me, since I’m still thinking about you a lot. Who knew I’d get so used to the constant contact. I kinda feel like I’m withering away over here, just waiting for you to come back. Which sounds really dumb, I know 😅

I say I’m trying not to push it or be overly gushy or whatever and then here I am almost every other paragraph saying how much I miss you and can’t wait to talk to you again. At least you know I care about you, so that’s something right? 🤷🏼‍♀️ But I swear the days feel longer and the hours go slower when I don’t get to talk to you every day. It became such a habit that having it taken away is like having someone put me on a manual reset. Like I’ve just got this ache in my chest.

Alright, have I made enough of a fool of myself for one day? Man, I sound ridiculous, don’t I? I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop now. I just get so emotional all the time and have so much to say. Why’d I have to get stuck with this overly talkative gene? Why can’t I be mysterious and secretive? Nah, I gotta communicate too much, make everyone uncomfortable 😬

You’re just a wonderful person and I value your presence in my life. I think I took it for granted a little bit, always having you around, and I didn’t realize how much I rely on our connection to get me through the day until it was gone for this little while here.

You’re gonna come back to all this and wonder what the hell’s wrong with me, I just know it 😮‍💨

~8/4 (8am)

Extra little tidbit here. I was planning to go to bed early because I really was tired when I got home, but then of course mom and I started talking and hanging out like we always do. Somehow things took a serious turn, something got triggered in my mind, and we both end up crying and holding hands and all this shit, talking about our traumas and whatnot. Which neither of us expected this morning, but I know with her losing her job she’s probably got a lot of emotional issues pent up, and I’ve always got bullshit building up in my head, so I guess we just needed to cry together. We both feel fine now, for the most part

Before the crying, we did talk about relationships and things like that. We talked about Bree and how I’m feeling in the relationship so far, my thoughts about how it’s progressing, all that stuff. And my mom truly is fully supportive of this relationship, so it’s very easy to talk to her about everything in my head. But she then says to me “make sure you clean your car before you go out, that way if you two want to make out later it won’t be gross” so you know I just can’t escape these things 🤦🏼‍♀️

~8/4 (4pm-12am)

Woke up almost feeling like I didn’t sleep at all, even though I know I did because I still remember having some dreams (don’t remember what they were now, but still). I feel a bit better now cause I’ve been moving around and everything. But I’m planning to try and rest my eyes a bit at work tonight anyway, since I won’t be able to sleep much tomorrow before date night. We’ll see how it all works out

I got a hilarious video of my mom singing Slipknot. I don’t know if videos can send, but I definitely wanna try to find a way to show it to you because it’s hilarious 😂 so remind me about that later

Speaking of my mom, she already got another job. Not even a week later and she’s already moving on. She’s gonna be teaching first grade at the local elementary school, which is great because she loves teaching and didn’t want to try to go back into health care. It’s a bit of a pay cut, but they won’t have to leave Moab or commute or anything like that. I don’t envy her having to deal with all those kids, though 😅 and she’s still gonna find an attorney to deal with all the shit that happened at the hospital, which I keep prodding her about to make sure she actually does it.

I cleaned out my car, sort of. I wasn’t able to get like every single bit of trash in the backseat, cause I’d have to move my jumper cables and other things back there, and my back was already starting to hurt from bending and leaning in, so I had to stop after a while. But it looks better than before cause a lot of the big trash items are out now, and it’s a bit clearer overall. I should go try to get it vacuumed or something, since there’s crumbs and stuff everywhere in the front, but I know I won’t have time tomorrow, so it’ll have to just be ok. I don’t think Bree will care or say anything, but still, I feel kinda bad about it. At the very least it’ll smell nice, since I have my scent clip on, and I’ll spray some Febreeze on the seats before I leave tomorrow, so that’s one thing. And I’m still happy with the progress I made on it overall, since I am more limited in what I’m able to do anyway 😊 and Robert helped me put on my new steering wheel cover, which is covered in rhinestones and very pretty, so that’ll be distracting tomorrow, too haha

Last night some guy on here sent me a chat, and I responded, and then they blocked me. So like what was even the point of sending me a message in the first place? Coulda left me alone completely and saved us all a hassle 🙄

Don’t know yet what the day will hold, since at the moment I’m typing this up before work. But lately we’ve only had like 2-3 patients and then nothing all night, plenty of time to just hang out and relax and do nothing. I’m really hoping it stays that way again, since I am not in the mood to be doing shit today. I wanna enjoy my pizza and some shows and TikTok and read and close my eyes for like an hour. Just gotta get through this shift and then I can start my weekend. 4 days off, since this is my short week, and I don’t have much to do on Sunday or Monday aside from help dad with some social security/disability paperwork stuff, so I’ll actually get to just rest for a while. And of course I’ve been talking a lot about how excited I am for date night tomorrow, so that’ll be a great start to the weekend 🥰 and Tuesday I have that intense therapy session, which I’m actually pretty excited for because I just wanna get this shit out of me, you know? But I think now I’m just repeating myself again, since I have nothing else to really talk about yet. So sorry if this has been annoying 😅

Welp, I’m at work now, so far nothing going on. But it’s only like 6:45 so the night is young. Bree said she’s still coming by to hang with me for a while, so I’m getting pizza for both of us 😊 and I’m just listening to Dr Scherer and the nurses talk about bad doctors/nurses who used to work here. They’re all reminiscing and laughing, and while I’m not really part of it (and kinda don’t feel comfortable trying to jump in since I haven’t been here as long as them) it’s still fun to hear about all the old drama haha

We did have one patient come in just now from Urgent Care, but that’s not such a big deal. And since they already got his info in the system I have very little left to do for him, which is nice.

I’m definitely going to try to finish that book tonight. I want to be able to grab a new one this weekend when I’m at my house, and I don’t think I’ll have much time to read tomorrow since Bree and I will be out for a long time, so guess it’s gotta be today haha. I suppose I could try to finish it Sunday, if I have to, but still the goal will be to do it tonight. But let’s see if that actually happens 🤞🏻

Hope you’re having fun doing whatever you’re doing. I’ve been thinking about you (obviously), mostly just to hope you’re enjoying yourself and having a good time. I’m still wishing for a picture of you smiling and looking happy for once, so I hope you didn’t forget to take one 😂 and while I feel bad that your vacation time is almost up and you’ll have to come back to reality soon (cause that always sucks), I am also soooo excited to get to talk to you again soon. I’m damn near counting the minutes 😅

~8/5 (12am-7am)

I’m writing this up after midnight, so figured I’d just break it up a bit so it wouldn’t end up being such a long block of text.

Bree came over to hang with me at work around 8:30pm. I had the pizza and everything ready for us, so that we wouldn’t have to bother with ordering later on. Thankfully not much has been going on today aside from a few things here and there, so we had a long time to just keep the door closed and spend time together. It was really sweet, she brought over her whole traditional Chinese tea set so we could basically have a tea party together 🥹 I have some pics of the tea setup I can send later on. But she showed me how to properly steep the tea, and the traditional practices of brewing and “washing” the tea before drinking, and it was really cool. I also love tea and things like that, so it was awesome to be able to share it together. And those teas can get a lot of steeping out of them. We were using small porcelain cups that don’t hold much tea, since it was more of a tasting type thing than actually like sitting with a whole mug to drink, so we must have had like 20 little cups worth between the two teas we were trying. Both were very good, and very different in flavor, I really enjoyed both of them. Then after we had pizza and watched Bob’s Burgers for a while. She just left a little bit ago, we’re both gonna end up on TikTok for a while ha.

But just the fact that she wanted to have tea with me, so she packed up her whole set and brought everything over to the hospital to set it up and share it with me… I can’t describe at all how special that makes me feel. I can’t believe someone would go to that kind of trouble just for me. And it’s not even trouble to her, since she wants to do it, but still. I’m gonna be a little awestruck for a while 😅

We both have the same kind of like passion and intensity about things, too. In a sense it’s like we’re all in, you know? But it’s just sweet cause I’m the type that loves to take pics and share those memories, and she is too, so when I wanted to take a picture to commemorate our tea time she didn’t even hesitate to say yes. So I have some silly pics of her and I smiling and holding up our tea cups that I shared around. Just one more thing I appreciate, being able to enjoy taking pics and posting them and share my life and happiness, knowing she wants to do the same thing.

She also brought us some little fancy chocolates! She stopped off at a candy store before coming over just so we could have a sweet treat with tea time. So thoughtful I could cry 😭

I don’t think I’ve been this happy… maybe ever, to be honest. And as much as I truly love men (let’s be real, y’all are so damn hot), every day I start to feel more and more like “I’m so happy I’m not with a man.” And it’s nothing against men in general or anything like that. I’m not one of those people that hates men or thinks men are awful or whatever. Idk how to describe it. It’s just like… a guy would never think to bring me a tea party, you know? That kind of thing. Plus Bree is androgynous enough that if she wore a mask for me it would probably translate decently enough to work up my kink 🤔 not the point, just something I was thinking about before 😂

Anyway I’ll try to stop babbling now, sorry. Just been a really great night so far, couldn’t wait to share all the details with you 😅 and tomorrow we have the bigger date so you’ll be hearing all about that, too. I know I won’t be able to keep it on a minimum, so I’ll just apologize in advance.

I did manage to finish my book. Took me about 2 solid hours, I think? Or maybe an hour and a half. In any case, I had a nice block of time to just sit and read it all through, and it was pretty good. I really enjoyed the story and I felt it was decently unique. Which is really nice since I was looking forward to it for a long time, and I’d heard a bunch about it on TikTok and stuff, so I’m glad it was a good one in the end.

I don’t know why, but I’m all keyed up right now. Feel like my heart is really pumping and I kinda just want to move around for a minute. And that’s not great, since I really need to try to sleep right away when I get home (it’s like 5:50am right now, almost off shift), since I have to get up at 1pm to get ready for date night. But the good news is that Bree’s house is only about ten minutes from my mom’s, and it’s a straight shot down one road until I turn onto her street, so it’ll be quick and easy to find. I’m definitely gonna be wound up with nervous energy as soon as I wake up, though. Hopefully I can get my makeup on properly, since when I get these feelings I tend to get a little shaky too 😅

Oh but I dug around in some bags in the closet at my mom’s house and ended up finding my little bottle of my favorite perfume. It’s Romance by Ralph Lauren, I’ve loved this scent for so many years, but it’s super expensive and so I’ve not really gotten to wear it much at all. Dad had bought me a small bottle for Christmas in like 2020 (when I first started my lab job and was getting paid exorbitant amounts of money and the hotel we moved into on a more stable basis was dirt cheap to try to get business in because of covid), and even that was about $60, so I wear it very sparingly. I’ve still got roughly half the bottle left, and only need a tiny bit since it’s a strong scent and lasts for quite a while. Plus now that I’m not smoking anymore nothing will mask the scent of the perfume itself. So I’m definitely gonna wear it today for the date.

It’s absolutely killing me not to talk to you. Look at all this nonsense I’ve had pent up to tell you, and how much I’m still going on 😅 ugh I need feedback and encouragement and support and for you to remind me not to be so nervous with Bree since she already likes me and I have nothing to prove (and yeah clearly I can tell myself that, but it just doesn’t sink as well if it’s not you saying it). Guess I gotta wing it on my own for the date tonight huh? 😬 But I suppose I’ve been doing fine this whole time, so that’s something. Ah I just miss you, I can’t not say it. Hurry up and get back on here already 😮‍💨

Well, writing all my silly little thoughts like this is at least somewhat helpful. Sorry you gotta read it all, but I did warn you about that beforehand 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anywho, I remember some months back I’d told you a little story about how I tried to say goodnight to the nurses as I was leaving one morning and not a single one even looked at me, and it was upsetting. Well even progress has been made in those respects, because today before I left I said goodbye to the nurses at the station (who all happened to be crowded right near the doorway between our area anyway, I think there were like 4 of them there) and instantly Tim stopped talking to them to acknowledge me and say goodnight, which made some of the other nurses do the same thing. Good guy Timmy to the rescue. He’s such a wonderful person to work with and have around, and he treats everyone so kindly. I’m always happy when I get to work with him, and that’s partially for reasons like this. It made me flashback to that moment a couple months ago and kinda smile and feel better to see these small changes. And maybe it’s just because it was Tim, or because they were right next to me and couldn’t reasonably say they didn’t hear me, or whatever other reason. But it was nice all the same.

And I just realized I forgot to take the call sheets down to Med Surg. Even though I still don’t know what they need them for since they don’t use them to call anyone in an actual emergency anyway, that’s the ER clerk’s job. But whatever, I hope Dani doesn’t give me any fuss about it later 🤦🏼‍♀️ ah well can’t do anything about it now anyway. And Dani’s been a lot easier to deal with lately too, much more personable and friendly towards me, so she probably won’t say anything about it. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻

Have you ever known Vitamin D caps to like fuse together? I got a bottle of the gel cap type pills from Walmart, the nephrologist said I need to up my intake to keep my levels up since I have trouble with Vitamin D depletion and that’s not good for the kidneys. I opened them up today since I finished my old bottle yesterday, and I swear all the fucking pills are completely fused together. It’s like the gel is melted to each other or something. Maybe because of the heat? Or maybe that’s normal for these types of pills? It’s fucking weird though. I had to literally stab at the blob with the end of a makeup brush to try and carve one off the top to take with my morning meds. Don’t know what all to do about that.

~8/5 (1pm)

Just woke up to get ready for the date. Fuck man I’m so jittery right now, even though I’m also still a little bit tired. But the moving around and the nervous energy are definitely keeping me awake, so that’s something. Trying to just breathe and take things one step at a time, but I’m so like overly excited that it’s like my spine is tingling 😅 ah I wish you were here for all this in real time, I know you’d be able to calm me down ha. And it’s not even like a big thing, just a couple movies and dinner, normal stuff right? I see her all the time, and was even with her last night, so it’s not like we’ve had absence or distance in trying to build things up. So why am I so shaky?? Ugh this is so new to me. My ex and I would usually just go to bars. I think he had me over to his apartment like one time, and he was over at my mom’s old place one time. We’d either go to bars or hang out in his car, and at the time that was like the pinnacle of dating to me. I was so stupid back then (I’m still stupid now too, but differently). This whole thing with Bree feels so completely different from everything I’ve ever done, I don’t know how to deal with it I guess.

In any case, you’ll hear all the details here later on. But if I take too much time writing this I’ll be late, so toodles for now! 😊

~8/5 (10pm)

Ughhhhh I wish you were here right now my guy. I have so much shit I wanna tell you and it’s gonna take a minute to type everything out and I want you to get hyped up with me 🥺 but I’ll just have to write this up and wait for you to read it to get excited I suppose

Just got back a little bit ago from date night. I would have typed this up sooner, but I had to do my grocery pickup order, which took a minute. Anyway, we had a wonderful time. I met her grandma, and she was very sweet to me. She liked me right away and made jokes and such, so we had a pleasant first meeting. I wanted to see Bree’s cat, but he was hiding for a while cause he’d hurt his paw earlier and was a little wary since I was a new person. Only stayed there for about 15 minutes at first so Bree could finish getting ready before we left.

It was so cute, the first thing Bree said when she opened the door was that my makeup looked so pretty, and the first thing I said was that she looked adorable in the black dress she was wearing. I didn’t know how she might decide to dress for the day, with her being non-binary she has a wide range of styling. So today was a more femme day. She had a black dress and these big jewelry pieces (necklace, earrings, ring) that all matched cause they were like this vintage turquoise stuff. You’ll see when I send pics later. And she did some makeup too, but not nearly as much as me 😅

We went to see Barbie first. Got us some popcorn and sodas, but it was too much popcorn for either of us so she ended up saving the rest for her grandma, which was fine with me because then at least someone was eating it. And we both really liked the movie. It did go a little hard on the feminism angle, but it was enjoyable either way. I ended up crying by the end. Bree was surprised, quietly asking if I was ok, and I had to explain to her that I literally cry over everything, especially if it shows things about the beauty of the human condition and feelings and community, all that good stuff. She put her hand on my leg and I held her arm and we just kinda cuddled together while the movie wrapped up and I sobbed 😂 but it was a cute moment

Went to dinner at this restaurant called The Spoke. She said it would be best to park across the street and walk over, since there’s minimal parking nearby the actual restaurant and it’s easier that way. And she had me hold her arm the whole way there and back (which is perfect since she’s a bit taller than me) 🥰 food was good, I had a pasta dish I liked. It had sliced fresh cherry tomatoes, which I’ve never liked before but decided to try now since it’s been years, and they were actually really good! So maybe I kinda like fresh tomatoes now 🤷🏼‍♀️ but we also got some Oreo shakes for dessert, which was nice 😋

But right as we were finishing up, thankfully had already paid and everything, the power went out for the whole city. At first we thought maybe it was just the one block/street/whatever; but then some updates on Facebook were saying it was a downed power line and took out all of Moab, and it could be like 3 hours to fix it. So no way were we gonna be able to see Haunted Mansion like we’d planned, which kinda was a bummer cause I really want to see that movie. But with the power out she said she had to stop back home real quick to check on her grandma and make sure the portable oxygen tank was set up for her, so we did that. Oddly enough their house had power when we pulled up. Then we just hung around there for a bit to give her grandma some company and let us get to know each other more. Her grandma seemed very happy to have company over, and we got along well. We were sitting at their kitchen table and on the wall nearby her grandma has this big shelved collection of adorable salt and pepper shakers in all different shapes and such, like cows and pumpkins, so we talked about that a bit. And Bree’s cat finally came out to investigate, and then he absolutely adored me. Guess I must have pet him in all the right spots cause he kept coming up to rub against my legs and my hand, have me scratch his little chin and belly. He was so soft and fat and cute, I loved him instantly haha

We were trying to decide what else to do, since it was still pretty early. Settled on taking a little drive around, so we got back in my car and started driving straight down the one road nearby. She was telling me about how to get to some of the hiking trails and other places in the canyons by taking different little turn offs, then suggested driving down by the lake. I’ve never been to any lake before, so that sounded fun, and she told me how to get around to Ken’s Lake. It was pretty full up from some rainfall we’d had recently, and the water looked so beautiful. We got there a little before sunset. Both of us were in sandals and had some leg exposed, so we decided to go walk/stand in the water a little ways down the shoreline. The water was so nice, like a little cool but easy to get used to, felt amazing on the skin. I had the strongest urge to swim, but just wouldn’t have been able to with my outfit and no preparation or anything. So instead I suggested we do a lake date since we’re getting to the end of summer, and she was really excited for that. Figured we’ll try to do it in another two weeks when I have Saturday off again. Gonna do it as an all-afternoon/evening kind of thing, that way we can enjoy the cool water in the hot weather. And we decided to plan it as a picnic! That way we can just hang out all day and not have to worry about food or anything else. I’m really looking forward to it cause I love swimming, and getting to swim in the lake for the first time ever will be awesome. Plus I just get to spend the day with Bree ☺️

Anyway, moving on from my sidetracked babbling, we moved over to where there are this big, mostly flat rocks around the shoreline (they help mark out the parking area on one side) and sat on some of the rocks to watch the sunset over the water. I got some nice pics of that, too.

Earlier she had offered me some lip balm and I teasingly was like “you could kiss it onto me”, not necessarily trying to get her to do it in that moment but rather just saying that I’m open to kisses and things like that. But since we’re both such awkward dorks and there’s been the “are we gonna kiss yet?” tension for a while I decided to just ask about it outright. I didn’t know if maybe she’d be uncomfortable with it since she is Ace, and I wasn’t sure how kissing fell on that spectrum for her. But we talked it out and she said she likes kissing and has just been nervous about it this whole time, wanting it to happen organically but also needing consent and wanting to make sure I’m ok with it too. Amazing how we were both so anxious about something so simple haha

But it was getting dark and I was kinda tired so I was like uhhhh I should go home soon 😅 I felt bad cause it’s not like I didn’t want to spend more time with her, but I really was getting worn out, especially with not having must rest beforehand. So I drove her home, we parked in her driveway to chat for a minute before she went in.

And finally, finally she kissed me! Right before she got out of the car, we were saying goodnight, and she leaned over and we had a nice kiss 😚🥰 it was quick, which is fine. I was joking around, “see now that the first one’s out of the way it’ll be less awkward! Wasn’t that easy?” And we both laughed.

Funny enough the song on my Spotify that was playing in the car when we kissed was Die For You by Starset, which is kind of a romantic song but more intense? I sent it to her to joke about it and she thought it was funny.

So yeah it was a very good night. The whole lake thing was unexpected, but ended up being a lot of fun, and gave way to another good date idea for us, so I’m glad it went that way instead. And we’re thinking of just going to see Haunted Mansion on Tuesday, and I’ll just come down a day earlier, since her work schedule matches mine this week (Wednesday-Saturday, she’s helping cover some people or whatever so we on a similar wavelength). So I’ll probably get to see her the whole workweek too.

Ahh I’m so happy man, like I feel giddy 😍

Well, that’s about enough babbling for now, since it’s the end of the night anyway. I better fuckin hear from you asap tomorrow so we can share in all this joy together 😂

I hope you enjoyed your vacation and had a great time. I hope you got to relax and you feel rested, since you’ve been run down for too damn long. I can’t wait to talk to you and hear all about everything and see all the pictures. I know you’ll read through this soon enough, and then we can talk about all my nonsense too 😋

Hurry up and get on here, please

[sh3llysh00]

Hetalia: America/Alfred Headcanons (Updated: Sep 17th 2022)

Okay okay, so since I think most people has this headcanon/fanon version of America, I thought I'd give mine since I lowkey disagree a lot with how he's portrayed in both funimation's dub and how fanfics generally perceive him <3 I am big brain

.

Okay so first of all, I don't think Alfred is a downright idiot, but he is naive and young. He means well and is always curious about other Countries and their cultures. That does sometimes lead him to asking some Countries millions of continuous obvious questions that he may have already asked before, which obviously gets very annoying after a while. He may be uneducated, but he's trying his best, leave him be, he's baby :')

Alfred loves his people and his country. He is patriotic, but not a full on nationalist. "Anti-governmentism" and general distrust towards both political parties has never been higher in American history than it currently is today. Alfred has never in any aspect represented the government, only the people. That doesn't mean he's immune to the manipulation and propaganda tho, much like American citizens. Alfred knows that people no longer feel free in the Country he calls home. It tears him apart, but he's definitely not some soft pathetic depressed kid that many fanfics portray him as. He'll be damned if any of those Europeans insult or belittle his people. He's strong and optimistic. But he also naively just hopes things will work out and get better. His people come before any billionaire politician.

Alfred might eat a lot of junk and fast food, but he doesn't believe it's a bad thing. When he does have chub on him, he doesn't see it as a bad thing at all. He owns it. He's not insecure about his eating habits. He just loves eating food. Rather it's cheap fauthentic imitation of foreign food, or it's a classic big Mac, he'll eat it with joy. He has no sense of taste afterall, it's all just food to him at the end of the day! He doesn't apologize for his eating habits or his body.

Alfred does have his insecurities, though. He doesn't show it because of his pride and his hero complex. Heroes are strong, brave, and fighting warriors that protect their nation. He's supposed to be the world superpower for a reason, he doesn't need anyone else pitying him! It already took so long to convince the other Countries that he really was worth something, despite being so young. He wasn't going to have them babying him more than they already do just because he gets a little sad sometimes.

Adding to that, he takes being comforted as pitying him or even personally insulting. He knows its a problem of his, but he'd be damned if he let anyone comfort him, a hero who needs to put others before himself. Alfred will comfort and protect others, but he'd feel bad and selfish if he'd let anyone do the same for him.

Some extra lil' hc's:

- Alfred is fluent in a handful of languages, and understands a plethora when he hears them. He chooses to keep it a secret. For war tactics? Personal reasons? Only he knows.

- Alfred cannot learn how to use chopsticks to save his life. He's asked Kiku to teach him, asked some of his citizens to teach him, but he never has been able to do it.

- Alfred longs for a family. He can handle not being the center of attention for a few hours, but he literally cannot be alone for more than 10 minutes.

- Extremely extroverted, obviously. He has been compared to a golden retriever puppy on a multitude of occasions.

- Alfred has ADHD and takes medication for it. Well... when he remembers to take it.

- Kicks his feet like an ecstatic kid when he's excited or enthusiastic about something he's talking or hyperfixiating about.

- Best friends are definitely Matthew and Kiku :]

- His States and territories all have personifications of their own, and he loves them all like a father. He likes being the "cool dad that let's you have ice cream for breakfast."

- Actually has an amazing skin and hair routine. He's a hero, he needs to look good while he's saving the world!

- Captain America is the best one, obviously.

- Very Pansexual. Goes to pride parades around the Country every year.

.

That's all I've got for now. Feel free to share your thoughts and headcanons! <3

[tianshiisdead]

Western authors of the 1800s and 1900s didn't literally write race manifestos on the skull differences between the ruling manchu (chad warriors or filthy barbarians depending on who you spoke to) and the han citizens (useless weak ass children in need of a ruler of another race or poor oppressed civilized folk) whom would surely revolt any day now only (which I suppose they did. Over and over again over the course of centuries. but not exactly for the reasons those authors think) for people to forget that the Qing was technically foreign ruled!

I was reading the most insane book on China a little while ago and the author (American but shilling HARD for the Brits) paused his racist rambling about how han Chinese people desperately need to be colonized in order to admiringly call manchu passionate and masculine, great warriors, etc. before they were brought down by being associated with the Chinese (said with disdain) and I was like 'well. Somehow it feels worse that this guy likes us' 😅 he made points about how all good rulers of China had foreign blood whether Manchu, Mongol, or Korean and then said Japan ('filled with masculine virility that China lacks') should colonize China harder (this was 1920s) like man what is your issue!! Dude was obsessed smh

Though appreciating imperial Japan wasn't that uncommon in the west. Apparently some of them (esp Europeans) were pretty irritated by whatever China was trying to do (become a republic and shake off foreign influence, ally with the Soviets) and thought of it as Japan teaching China a lesson 😐😩 they were actually pretty inconvenienced, many a writer who lived in a foreign territory in China complained about how the unruly Chinese were acting up and no longer being sufficiently respectful. Even the London office of the British ran Imperial Maritimes Customs Service (which dealt with all the imports/exports taxes and such in all of China's ports, considered a civil service that functioned under the main Chinese gov but was British-run and employed only foreigners, usually British, in significant positions) had been the primary representative for China in the UK for a while but ran into trouble as Chinese legation from the Republic now wanted to be the main representatives for their own country or something 😒 it's actually fascinating how the Customs played their own role attempting to guide the young republic but were nonetheless severely inconvenienced by the removal of an easy-to-control ruler and a population that now had some fantasies about being treated like equals and building a western style democracy lol

Another funny thing is how invested the British in China were with keeping it while the people at home were always, from 1700s to 1900s, like 'man like... we don't care... just deal with your shit and keep trading w them... stop writing and asking for money attention and troops omgggg'

[swimmingleo]

Changes: or to take the higher ground before it's too late

I'm going to be real here folks, I cry ugly tears to this song. Bad.

Changes is a song on Cam's album "The Otherside". It's country, it's folk and it's an album a bit influenced by changes in Cam's life (a change of label, personal life). She collaborated with Harry on the song Changes, as she opened for him on a venue and was already working with Tyler Johnson.

From what I gathered: Harry sent her the demo of the song, implying he made most of the writing on this one. What I'm basing this claim on is her interview for Rolling Stones (read it here):

I heard [the demo] and was just like, “Oh, this ache to outgrow something that you don’t want to outgrow!” It felt so good. I normally don’t take outside songs [...]

‼️DISCLAIMER‼️when analysing this song, I'm gonna go from the idea of it being written with a queer mindset (how surprising of me). Cam rendered the song beautifully and it is very much her own, but I believe Harry's input is consequential. After all that's his lil whistle and cute fishsona in the MV.

Sad queer analysis ahead.

Let's analyse the lyrics first:

There is a town

Somewhere down a country road

The speaker describes the town to us, from memory, from experience. "There it is, down the road, can you picture it ?"

I see it now

I take it everywhere I go

The speaker doesn't currently live in the town, they're on the move (nice throwback to the coutry road). But despite all the travelling, they realize the sedentary smalltown never leaves them. It's part of them. It left a mark on them.

The river sways, I can almost hear it now

As if to say, "You're not the only one who wants a way out"

The town is so real to the speaker they can sense it, eyes and ears. But it gets a bit dark: the river sways like it's trying to leave its bed. The river is envious of the speaker who managed to leave. The town is so toxic even nature wants to get away from it. Or the speaker resents the town so bad that they project their own resentment on the river.

So, I go

'Cause I don't wanna feel like I don't know you anymore

I memorize those roads

This is the call for the speaker to leave for good. Their motive doesn't seem to be ambitious or anything grand. They leave because they apprehend a feeling. Apprehending a feeling, something that may not even happen, is the way of an anxious person. Anxiety is the motive of their departure. However, they still memorize the roads leading to the town, just in case. Perhaps one day they'll come back.

Somewhere out in the big wild country

Someone's fallin' in love in a backseat

Givin' it away

Like their hearts won't ever break

Suddenly it's about love ! Young love, one that is lived in the small compartment of a car, somewhere hidden and safe in the big wild country. As if the countryside was unexplored and threatening.

God bless the young hearts sippin' cheap wine

Gettin' drunk with their friends for the first time

Thinkin' nothing's gonna change

'Til everything changes

The speaker looks at the youth with tenderness, wishing them the best. But once again, they're not in the town in the present time, they don't see the youngsters fooling around, they can only guess from first-hand experience. And it's very specific: falling in love, getting drunk with friends and thinking everything's gonna be easy like that forever until it's not and heartbreak ensues.

From there I hop in with the raw queer theme of those lyrics. It started by falling in love and it ended up in a heartbreak. In between, the speaker got drunk for the first time with their friends, people they trusted enough to let go a little, but in the end everything changed. Why ? Alcohol makes you forget about code of conduct, how you're supposed to behave. It makes you say or do things you might not have done sober.

We can interprete this chorus as the beginning of the end for the speaker. It's the only part of the song evocating the past, and it's fun and easy, but it's also where things started to get bad the way they are in the present. Something might have happened that first time the speaker got drunk and it marked the end of innocence and careless childhood, and it probably has to do with love as no other factor is provided apart from falling in love and heartbreak.

They never leave

They're all havin' babies now

Watchin' daytime TV

Livin' off the gossip of a cruel small town

They. With Harry, it's always You, Me, and They. They are having babies, all of them, like it's not a very difficult thing to do, it's just natural. They have the leisure of the day, not a thing to worry about, if not gossip. It's not implied anymore, the small town is downright cruel. Gossip fuels it, but on behalf of someone else, and that someone is most definitely the speaker who left and who describes its inhabitants in the most mundane way, perhaps with a hint of contempt. The speaker seems bitter.

So, I go

'Cause I don't wanna feel like you don't know me anymore

Don't recognize my face

Reprise of the pre-chorus except now, the speaker provides another reason for their departure. Not only they feared they wouldn't know the town anymore, they also feared being seen as a stranger. It's not like the speaker actually changed physically: but it might as well feel like it. Again, apprehension, anguish. As implied in the chorus, things changed to the point where the speaker feels they would seem like a whole another person to the rest of the town, a stranger, a threat to the integrity of the conservatives. So they leave before this shift in perception can happen.

There ain't nothing here for me anymore

They say they don't hear from me anymore

And I don't wanna hear it anymore

The town is not outwardly hostile. It's still the town that saw the speaker as a kid. The town doesn't understand why the speaker left, but the speaker won't give in and get in touch. They want to be as far away as possible, until they don't hear the questions, the river, everything. It's almost like the speaker doesn't carry the town in their heart at all. They want to forget it all, and it hurts everytime the town tries to lure them back in. The way Cam sings it is painful to me man

Somewhere out in the big wild country

I was fallin' in love in a backseat

Givin' it away

Like my heart won't ever break

Had such a young heart sippin' cheap wine

Gettin' drunk with my friends for the first time

Thinkin' nothing's gonna change

'Til everything changes

Yeah, just the confirmation of the chorus being the speaker's experience. I went ahead and assumed it was already lol but it's like a plot twist effect. It's dramatic. It's a personal song to someone.

TO MAKE IT SHORT to me this song is intense and very in touch with the queer experience. Though it describes a specific situation, it is surprisingly not that detailed or full of metaphors the way Harry often writes: this town could be literally any smalltown in the countryside. The backseat could be the one of any car, cheap wine is something any teen can afford. I like to think Harry wrote it for himself but is also aware so many people went through the same thing, and still will. I have to admit I'm heavily biased writing this, as the experience of a queer kid struggling to find their place in a well settled smalltown is familiar.

GETTING DRUNK AND QUEER IDENTITY is an analogy Harry already used in Fine Line when he sang "We'll get the drinks in so I'll get to thinking of her". To drink is to let go, to unveil the most subconscious aspects of yourself you might not want to deal with otherwise. You don't care about judgement and you get to explore those parts freely. In Changes, this is the last memory they recall before stating the changes and their departure. Perhaps getting drunk for the first time would be when they realized they're queer. Or acted upon it, causing their little world to shake. They chose to leave before it eventually wouldn't feel like a choice anymore. There is no life for people like them in a cruel smalltown.

SMALLTOWN BOY

This song reminds me an awful lot of Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat. The song is about a queer boy having to leave the smalltown where he grew up because of persecutions and no future prospects.

Mother will never understand why you had to leave, Smalltown Boy

They say they don't hear from me anymore, Changes

But the answers you seek will never be found at home, the love that you need will never be found at home

There is nothing here for me anymore

Other people not understanding why they leave. People who can't truly empathize even when they mean no harm. They would never understand the speaker's departure, because those people get to find love and have babies and live a peaceful life in the countryside.

You were the one that they'd talk about around town as they put you down

Livin' off the gossip of a cruel small town

Yeah yeah. I really struggle with just seeing this song as nostalgia when such harsh words are being used. I do believe there is a part of fondness for that town, that countryside setting and the early days. But it's not all tender memories.

CHANGES AND ERODA

Of couuuurse we all noticed the adorable purple fish with the pearl necklace. It represents Harry, no question, as it whistles Harry's part. And of couuuuurse we all made the link with the erodian fish, and some even noticed they formed the bluegreener pair when their colors are inverted.

It makes sense for those fishes to be connected with this interpretation of Changes. Both works are about a small town, lost in the nature, where the people are watching, aware of everything that isn't normal, that is peculiar. The early life of the peculiar boy is similar in every way to the early life of the speaker in Changes. The fish in Adore You grows too big for the island and has to leave, and though Eroda makes amends with the peculiar boy, he leaves as well because his future, his fulfilment, is somewhere else. So does the speaker in Changes.

IN CONCLUSION

The more I write posts like this, the more endeared I am by Harry's world. How Harry writes for himself, but also for other people with songs like this. How nature finds its way in all that he does. How grounded he is, how he doesn't seem to forget where he came from. It really is such a rare thing to see in a mainstream popstar's writing and art. How can someone say he sold his soul to LA is beyond me

[lumilasi]

I’ve been struggling to write this one for a month or something now, so I decided to give y’all a sneak peek on the latest Spinaraki one-shot request I’m writing. IDK when I’ll finish it tho, I’m still struggling to decide how to end it. Also I’ve been wanting to focus on writing all the remaining chapters for Depths as that one is nearly finished. Tomura/Tenko is almost home.

Anyway, here’s the sneak peek:

Going through the third week, the weather was still very warm, so warm that Spinner finds Tomura awake one night, clearly unable to sleep due to the heat - or maybe he was insomniac, at this point he wasn’t sure.

Tomura was only wearing loose-fitting black pants with a thin canvas to them, glancing up at him from the couch he’d sat on, TV running in the background while kept on low volume, probably had been to try and not wake him up. Spinner could tell he was sweaty from the heat with how his hair was sticking to his skull. It was totally just the hair he was looking, not anything else.

”Your AC seems to be malfunctioning.”

Checking on it, Spinner notes he was right.

”Damn. I’m sorry. Guess gotta call someone to repair it tomorrow.”

”M’fine. Used to sleeping very little anyway.”

Huh, so maybe he was insomniac?

Spinner sits down next to him hesitantly, trying his best not to look while also kind of looking - again. What was with him lately anyway? He’d seen people half naked before during his schooldays in boys’ locker room, and on the beach and so on. Why did Tomura being like that bother him so much?

”Heh. Spooky folklore and urban legends reruns during the night? Guess it makes sense, fits with the dark atmosphere.”

Spinner looks up at the TV screen, quickly realizing what Tomura meant. There was a show he’d seen before, talking about urban legends across the country. This episode was one he hadn’t seen before, revolving around ancient ninjas or something.

”Well would ya look at that? What a coincidence.”

Tomura muses out and Spinner looks at him confused, before looking back at the TV. The episode legend was talking about some sort of group of supposed near mythical ninjas of assassins or something. Wait weren’t those kinda the same thing?

”What’s this legend about? Never heard of it.”

”It’s called the Yokai King. A master assassin of legendary skill that people to this day debate whenever he existed. According to the legend all the assassins under his command were some form of yokai, from bakenekos to kitsunes, and even a jorogumo.”

”W-what? Really?”

Tomura shrugs, cracking his neck slightly.

”From what I understand - and what the show is talking about right now - it is suspected the ”yokai’ were just humans who used a name of a creature to describe them. There are some rumors that these people might’ve had special kind of mutations that give no outward changes but ’internal’ abilities that cannot be seen.”

”Huh...that’s...kinda cool? I mean as a legend, the assassin part is a bit...”

”To be fair, the legend states the Yokai king only sends his ilk against those he deems unworthy of life. In most stories the victims of his children - as these underlings are called, though how many of them actually are his kids is a debated matter - have been criminals of worst kind. Child abusers, rapists, serial killers, stuff like that. Rich Tax frauders.”

”.....what?”

Tomura turns to look at him with a smirk. That smile was giving him a weird funny feeling, but Spinner was too focused in on the story to care about it.

”There’s more modern versions of the tale about his ’children’ going after rich landlords who abuse their wealth.”

”So they just...”

Spinner makes a slitting motion across his throat, gaining a slight shake of head from Tomura.

”Not always. The ’death’ dished out isn’t always physical. Sometimes it can be mental, social, or financial kind. Tax frauders end up dirt poor, prideful child abuser holding up appearances gets shunned away from their community, etc. To some people there are fates worse than simple death.”

”O-oh...”

”Yeah. I think in a lot of tales the King typically has four assassins; one for each type of ’death.”

Tomura holds up his finger now, smirking amused at how closely he was listening.

”First, is the ’financial death’ often known with the nickname Tanuki. This one is typically the one in charge of dealing with unruly greedy people and leaders, making sure they lose all they hold dear - their finances and influence typically.”

”Why Tanuki?”

”There’s lotta stories about it. Some say the first holder of this title in the legend was an actual one, or had Tanuki-like tendencies with gambling, playing tricks on people and such.”

Tomura shrugs, glancing at the TV briefly. The program was currently discussing this same topic, but Spinner found himself more interested in hearing Tomura tell it, as he seemed to have knowledge of the legend.

”Second is usually either known as the Jorogumo or Snow woman. As you can guess this ’child’ is typically a woman in these legends, often linked to the more psychological death - though arguably they also often literally kill their prey. She is often depicted as stalking their victim for a while, keeping an eye on them and causing psychological turmoil. Other times she’s said to even lure the victims into a trap, until it is too late.”

”...Kind of clicheed in a way, that the woman does that.”

”That’s how these old folk tales are. Didn’t make ’em. Plus there have been some stories from what I remember that dispute whenever this ’child’ was always a woman.”

Tomura shrugs and cracks his neck, now holding up a third finger. His red eyes looked almost like they were shining in the surrounding darkness, with the TV screen reflected on them. It was kind of eerie but also mesmerizing to look at.

”Third, the kitsune, is said to be the one for social deaths. This one will burn all the bridges around you, making you isolated for everything and everyone you had control over, before devouring you. In the same sense the kitsune also protects the victims from the person they punish.”

”And...the...last one?”

Tomura holds up a fourth finger now, the light from TV dimming down as the screen switched to a darker scene.

”The Shinigami. The ultimate death. This one’s often said to be the yokai king’s strongest child, for they represent an absolute death. No mercy, no second chances. If this child goes after you, you are a goner.”

Tomura drops his hand slowly, and Spinner swallows down hard, frozen in place. He stares at the pale face for a long moment, up until Tomura closes his eyes suddenly, starting to snicker. It eventually grows into a full blown laughter, making Spinner blush and frown, asking what was so funny.

”Your face! You’re real freaked out.”

Shigaraki laughs and tries to get his breath back under control, wheezing almost.

”It’s a folktale Spinner, a legend. Not real. Relax.”

”Can you blame me for getting spooked? It’s dark and you’re really good at storytelling stuff like this apparently!”

[the-badger-mole]

Traditional

“You scared?” 

Zuko’s mouth pulled down slightly at the corners, but after years of practicing diplomacy and his uncle’s lessons on holding his temper, that was the only show of Zuko’s displeasure. 

“I have no reason to be afraid,” he said. He quirked his brow at Katara and met her gaze pointedly. “According to you.” Katara shrugged, though it was difficult to tell under her heavy, fur lined parka. 

“Well, Dad and Sokka already like you,” she reminded him.”It’s just everyone else you have to convince.” 

Zuko rolled his eyes, wishing that the Southern Water Tribe was like...well any place else in the world. Having the Chief and his heir on his side would have been enough in literally any other country in the world. But this wasn’t anywhere in the world. This was the Southern Water Tribe. Their numbers were still small after all this time, and they were fiercely loyal to each other. Families were intimately involved in each others’ lives. Beside him, Katara nudged him gently. He felt the comforting pressure of it through his own thick parka. 

“You’re going to be fine,” she promised, flashing him a reassuring smile.

 Her eyes were full of trust and confidence, and it bolstered Zuko’s own. But only just slightly. After all, he was about to ask her entire extended family for their blessing to marry her. It was...daunting. 

“What if...what if they don’t like this?” Zuko asked. Katara shrugged with a bravado that Zuko knew she didn’t feel. 

“I already said yes,” she said. “I’m old enough to make my own choices. Dad, Sokka and Gran Gran will understand. If anyone else has a problem with it...well, we just won’t invite them to the wedding.” 

“I don’t want to cause problems with you and your family,” Zuko lowered his voice, as if anyone could hear him. He and Katara had climbed to the ship’s crows nest, both for the privacy and to catch the first glimpse of Katara’s home. Katara sighed and rested her head against Zuko’s shoulder.  “You’re my family,” Katara said firmly. “I love you, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Besides, we’ve been dating for two years. There were only two ways for this to end.” 

Zuko sighed and pressed his forehead against  Katara’s hair. She was right, of course. As Fire Lord, openly courting a woman meant that she was being seriously considered as his wife. He and Katara had spoken at length about the expectations before they decided to start dating. Then they spent another eternity talking with Iroh, Hakoda and Sokka about the expectations before going public with their relationship. If anyone was taken by surprise by their engagement at this point, then it was really out of Katara and Zuko’s hands. They had followed protocol more strictly than any Fire Lord and potential Fire Lady had in at least the last two centuries.Still...

“Why won’t you tell me what’s going to happen here?” Zuko asked. Katara sat up and shrugged. 

“I’ve told you what I could,” she said. “You have to speak to my father, Gran Gran and Sokka about your intention. Then you present me with your gifts, and then my closest male relatives take you hunting.” 

That was the part that gave Zuko pause. He knew better than to think Hakoda or Sokka would harm him (permanently), but Katara said that Bato and Pakku would likely be there as well. Zuko had interacted with both men a handful of times since the end of the war, and they had been courteous, if a bit cold. They grew even more frigid after he started dating Katara. He wasn’t sure how either of them would treat him out on the tundra. Away from Katara. Away from witnesses in general. It would be all too easy to arrange an accident...

“Would you stop worrying?” Katara reached up and poked Zuko where his brow furrowed over his nose. “It’ll be fine. You’ve been hunting before.” 

“Not on ice,” Zuko grumbled. “And never while trying to impress my fiancee’s family.” 

“Don’t worry, they already like you!” 

Zuko recalled the last time he had interacted with Katara’s step-grandfather and waterbending master. He had given the Water Tribe elder a deep, respectful bow-something unheard of for a Fire Lord to do. He rose to find Pakku eyeing him critically and prepared with a comment on how sloppy the bow was, and how in the Northern Tribe, young men were taught to show their elders the utmost respect. 

“We’ll be there soon,” Zuko said, casting his narrowed gaze over the horizon. “Are you ready?” Katara leaned up and pressed a kiss to Zuko’s cheek.

“I’ve been ready for this for two years.” 

****

Per the Southern Water Tribe’s custom, Katara disembarked the ship first, on a dinghy, so she could greet Zuko with her family. As the chief’s daughter,  all of the Southern Tribe was considered family, and so had the right to be there when Zuko came to ask for a blessing on his and Katara’s upcoming marriage.

 For two days Zuko was left on his ship while the village prepared for his official arrival. Any representatives from the surrounding villages who wanted to be present would arrive during this time, and the family members who would be joining the hunt would make sure that their supplies were ready. Ordinarily, the suitor would have his own preparations to make, but Zuko had done everything he was supposed to before he left Caldera. All he could do for two days was drive himself, his uncle and his crew insane with last minute worries. 

“What if she doesn’t like what I got her?” Zuko asked his uncle.

“I’m sure she’ll love your gifts,” Iroh assured him. 

“Has the guest room been prepared in case her grandmother wants to come back with us?” Zuko asked the ship’s captain. It was a possibility that Katara had prepared him for. Usually, the mother of the intended went with her daughter to her future home to help get her set up and meet her future in-laws. Kanna might not feel up to the cross ocean trek, but she might decide to go after all. Zuko wanted to make sure the voyage was as comfortable as possible.

Then Zuko had inventory taken on all the supplies he had brought for Katara’s village. In the eight years since the end of the war, the Southern Water Tribe had slowly, but surely begun to come into their own power. Still, Katara assured him that the extra fabric, metal, and spices would be welcomed. When he was done with all of that, there was nothing left for him to do but wait. 

Finally, at around noon on the second day, it was finally time for the Fire Lord to arrive in the village. Stepping off of the boat felt eerily similar to the first time he had first set foot onto the icy land eight years earlier. Things had certainly changed. He was no longer a desperate 16 year-old boy on an impossible mission. He wore practical wool and furs instead of slightly too large battle armor. The piers had been rebuilt in the intervening time, and Zuko had seen them himself several times before without the odd knot in his stomach. But like that first time, he was met with rows of solemn faces staring at him, uncertainly. He was once again an unwelcome foreigner come to disturb their peace.

There were some friendly faces in the crowd, Zuko had to remind himself. There a few Tribesmen and women he had gotten the chance to know over the past few years of peace. Some he had begun nascent friendships with before he had even allowed himself to hope Katara liked him the way he liked her. Nukilik, the village armsmith flashed him a grin and what Zuko could only assume were two thumbs up. It was hard to tell through the thick mittens, but it made more sense than the man balling his hands into fists. 

Hakoda and Sokka were there, too. Zuko noticed with relief that neither of them seemed upset to see him. Hakoda smiled the placid, slightly tired smile Zuko had learned to recognize over the years. Sokka’s grin was slightly more disturbing- more of a baring of teeth than a smile, paired with a mischievous gleam.

“Welcome, Fire Lord Zuko,” Hakoda greeted him formally, but warmly grasping his forearm in the traditional Water Tribe greeting. “I heard your trip was smooth. I hope it was also pleasant.”

“It was,” Zuko said loud enough for the bystanders to hear.”We made better time than I’d hoped.”

“Of course you did,” Sokka declared, grabbing his friend’s arm the way Hakoda had. Then he pulled Zuko into a one armed hug, slapping the young Fire Lord hard on the back. “You had a master waterbender with you.”

“We should get going,” Hakoda said. “There are others who are anxious to see you’ve made it here safe.” Zuko blushed a deep red as a wave of laughter passed through the crowd. They knew exactly what Hakoda meant. And just like that, Zuko was accepted by them. The awkward suitor of a daughter of their tribe.

The crowd fell in line behind Zuko’s small entourage. He walked at the head with Hakoda and Sokka in an informal procession through the town. The buildings were nowhere near as ornate as those he had seen in the Northern Water Tribe, but Zuko recognized a bustling, prosperous town. The houses and shops were like the people of the Southern Tribe- practical, sturdy and possessing a unique grace all their own. In the middle of the village stood a long low hall that served as Hakoda’s seat of power, the village community center, and for today, a banquet hall. 

Katara sat at a table on a raised platform with her Gran Gran and Master Pakku. She wore a parka lined with pristine white and grey fur. Her hair had been done in elaborate looping braids that had been fastened with bead and ivory combs.On her forehead had been painted a dark crescent moon. The mark of the brave she earned years earlier, she had once explained to Zuko. She was all Water Tribe today. To Zuko, she had never seemed more regal and queenly- not even in her Ambassador’s robes- and he wanted to stop and thank everyone present for giving rise to the most compassionate, strong, intelligent and beautiful Fire Lady the world would ever know. But he restrained himself. He hadn’t officially declared his intentions yet. 

Hakoda and Sokka clapped Zuko on the back almost hard enough to knock him to his knees, but Zuko managed to stay standing. Then they left him at the foot of what he now recognized as a dias, and took their seats. Hakoda at the center with his children on either side of him. 

“Fire Lord Zuko,” Hakoda addressed him in a somber tone. “Why have you come?” It wasn’t exactly a friendly start to this conversation, but Katara had told Zuko to expect this.He glanced up at Katara and found her watching him. She gave him a small, supportive smile and nodded slightly. Spirits, she was gorgeous. Zuko tried to swallow and unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth and say the words Katara had told him to say. 

“Chief Hakoda of the Southern Water Tribe,”he managed to say clearly.”Honored elders,” he bowed to Kanna and Pakku, “beloved family,” he turned to acknowledge the people gathered in the hall. “I have come to make it known that I intend to marry your daughter, Master Katara, and I humbly ask your blessings.”  The room fell uncomfortably silent. After a moment, he risked a glance up. Hakoda was watching him with a stoney eyed stare.  It wasn’t quite angry, but it wasn’t exactly encouraging, either. 

“Here in the Southern Water Tribe a marriage is not to be entered into lightly,” he began after a long pause. “When a couple decides to join their lives together, they agree to protect each other. Each has their own duty to the home and family they will build together, and neither is more or less important. Can you promise to help her build a safe and sturdy home together?”

Safe and sturdy were so subjective. He could provide Katara a palace with loyal and well trained guards. Even with the Fire Nation’s funds diminished with the costs of rebuilding infrastructure, providing for the financially devastated poor and making reparations to the nations damaged by his family’s war, Zuko’s wife and children would want for nothing substantial. Still he knew that as beloved as Master Katara, the Water Tribe Ambassador had become, there would always be people opposed to a foreign Fire Lady, just as there would always be opposed to the Fire Lord who ended the war that made whole generations of Fire Nobility wealthy. But Katara had acknowledged those obstacles, and she had still chosen him- him!- in spite of the risks. Zuko wasn’t afraid for her or himself or their children. They had faced down worse odds together. Zuko met Katara’s eye once more, taking courage from the way they seemed to gleam in the lantern light. 

“I promise,” Zuko swore. He knew what was coming next. He was neither surprised nor dismayed when Hakoda spoke again. 

“Words are not enough. Words alone are empty and can be spent lightly.” Hakoda’s stone-faced expression broke slightly, and Zuko thought he saw the beginning of a smile. “You will have a chance to prove your ability to provide. Tomorrow you will join me and my son, Sokka on a hunt. If your kill is acceptable to my daughter, it will serve as your betrothal feast.” 

 With that, Hakoda stood and left the assembly with Sokka and Katara following behind him. Kanna and Pakku feel in behind them, followed by the village elders. Finally, Zuko and his entourage were guided to where they would stay for the duration of the trip. Iroh, who had been uncharacteristically silent for the ceremony, nudged his nephew in the ribs. He grinned up at Zuko excitedly. 

“You did so well, Fire Lord Zuko!” he stage whispered. “I’m very proud of you. And so, may I add, was Master Katara.” Zuko didn’t feel that he had done much at all. He’d barely spoken- had barely had the chance to speak- and he would have to trek the icy tundra the next day and hope he didn’t embarrass himself too badly in front of his future in-laws. But then he remembered how Katara’s proud look when he’d caught her eye, and Zuko knew he’d go anywhere and accomplish any task if it meant he got to be with her for the rest of his life. 

*.*.*.*.*

“I know Dad has to look strong and dignified in front of everyone,” Katara said.  “But he could have at least cracked a smile up there.” 

There hadn’t been an official banquet that evening. Hakoda had predicted that his guests would be tired after their journey, so Zuko’s crew had gone to dinner at the inn where they would be staying for this trip, and Zuko and Iroh, along with a couple of guards, were staying with Hakoda and his family. After dinner, everyone adjourned to their rooms for the evening, leaving Zuko and Katara the common room. They were curled up together on a pile of cushions and rugs in front of the fire, discussing the day, just like they had done almost every night for the past two years. 

“I’m sure this isn’t easy on him,” Zuko pointed out in reply to Katara’s complaint. “You’re his only daughter, and you’re not only getting married, you’ll be moving across the world from him.” 

“I’ve been the Water Tribe Ambassador for three years!” Katara reminded him. “It’s not like my living situation is going to change. Well,” Katara looked up and winked at Zuko, “not much.” 

“It’s going to be  a bigger change than you think,” Zuko said thoughtfully. “The Ambassador thing was always going to be temporary. Eventually, you would have decided to move on to something else, or get married and start a family-” Zuko allowed a small smile to cross his face as he pulled Katara a bit closer. “He probably assumed you would be a little closer to home when that happened. He’s going to miss you.” 

“I’m going to miss him, too,” Katara admitted. “And Sokka and Gran Gran and Suki and Pakku. But I’ll visit as often as I can. Besides, it’s not like I’ve ever been Daddy’s Lil’ Princess.”

“Katara, your dad is the Chief of the entire Southern Water Tribe,” Zuko chuckled. “You’re everyone’s princess.”

“I told you, that’s not how it works down here,” Katara huffed. “I’m not-”

“Officially a princess,” Zuko completed, rolling his eyes. “I know, I know. But you are still really important here. Whether you want to admit it or not, you pretty much are a princess.”

“I am not!” Zuko noticed with no small amount of amusement that Katara was blushing. He grinned mischievously. 

“I think I should talk with your dad about getting you a crown,” he teased. Katara jabbed his ribs with her elbow. 

“Don’t you start giving people ideas,” she chided. “If dad gives me a crown, Sokka’s going to insist on having one, and his head is swollen enough without adding the weight.”

“You’re going  to have a crown soon anyway,” Zuko pointed out. “Maybe you should have one just to get used to it.” Katara hummed thoughtfully and nestled into Zuko’s side. 

“Do I have to wear a crown?” she asked. “What if I just got some really fancy beads?” 

Zuko reached up and brushed his fingers against Katara’s braids. The truth was he couldn’t care less about what she wore when she was Fire Lady. He’d made it clear to his advisors that she would be welcome to integrate elements of her own culture in their day to day life at the palace. Still..

“You should probably have one for formal occasions, at least,” he said thoughtfully. “But aside from that, you can do whatever you like with your hair. And your clothes.” Zuko’s fingers wandered away from her hair to the thick fur lining her hood. “I wouldn’t recommend fur, though.” 

“I don’t know,” Katara shrugged. “I think showing up to a council meeting in a full fur parka would be a serious power move.”

“Most of them are already afraid of you. But whatever you want, my love, is fine with me.” 

“Aw!” Katara twisted around and planted a kiss on the edge of Zuko’s jaw. “You’re so good to me.” Despite two years and many kisses, Katara still managed to make Zuko blush. 

“Ick!” The pair turned to find Sokka cringing in the doorway. “You two are so gross.”

“Oh, please!” Katara snorted. “You and Suki are just as bad.” At the mention of his wife, Sokka’s face crumpled miserably. 

“Suki!” he wailed. “Why’d you have to bring her up? I’d almost forgotten to miss her today.” 

“She’ll be home in two weeks.” Katara rolled her eyes, unsympathetically. Suki was back in Kyoshi to visit her aunt. It was the first time she’d been back since her and Sokka’s wedding almost a year earlier, and Sokka had been supportive of the trip, but he hadn’t counted on missing her so much. 

“It feels different being apart when you’re married,” Sokka lamented. “You’ll find out.” Then with a menacing smirk he added, “You know, assuming you come back from the hunting trip.” Katara felt Zuko tense up and she glared at her brother. 

“Stop teasing him,” she scolded. She brushed her fingers across Zuko’s cheek. “He’s going to be fine.” Zuko turned his head and kissed the palm of Katara’s hand. Sokka shuddered. 

‘Have you ever actually been hunting?” Sokka asked Zuko. “This is a pretty big deal. The entire village is invited to this party. It’s a bad look if you don’t bring enough food for everyone.” 

“Sokka!” Katara sat up and fixed her brother with a warning glare. Sokka threw his hands up in surrender. 

“Whatever,” he said. “But you really should go to bed soon. We’re leaving early tomorrow. Anyway, I’m turning in. Go back to being gross.” When he was gone, Zuko glanced down at Katara nervously. 

“I have hunted before,” he said softly as if spilling some deep dark secret. “But it was just small animals. It was right before...before Ba Sing Se. Never anything like...” Zuko motioned around the room at the trophies from other hunts. There were large ivory tusks hanging from the walls and thick, furs trapping the precious heat. Everything came from animals at least as big as he was. 

“Are you worried you can’t do it?” Katara asked. Zuko felt a rush of heat to his face. 

“Well...what if I can’t?” he asked. “If this is how I propose, will we not be allowed to marry if I can’t bring in a...a...” Once again, Zuko gestured around the room. Katara sat up, pulling away from Zuko’s embrace so she could face him. 

“First of all,” she held up a finger under his nose, “I’ve already agreed to marry you. All we’re doing here is telling people and giving you a chance to bond with my family. Second,” another finger joined the first, “Dad and Sokka are expert hunters. You’ll come back with something, I guarantee it. Third, I love you, and there’s nothing that can change that, so stop freaking out about this. It’s supposed to be fun.” 

“Fun,” Zuko snorted, but he did feel better. 

“Promise you’ll at least try to have fun?” Katara rolled her eye, feigning exasperation. Zuko kissed her forehead and nodded. 

“I’ll try,” he promised. 

“Great!” Katara resettled into her previous spot, curled up with Zuko with a happy sigh. 

“I have to go to bed,” Zuko protested weakly. 

“Fire more minutes,” Katara said. “I won’t see you for a few days, so I want my cuddle time now.” 

Part 1, Part 2,   Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

[lilmissbacon]

Frozen 3 concept

I'mma start off with explaining that I'm not the biggest fan of Frozen and I'm definitely not a fan of Elsa's character in general.

But as much as I love the songs and outfits of the second movie, the inconsistencies and how it never explains how sh🤬 works in the world with magic and such are just infuriating. As well as why the spirit that connects them controls ice which is just a variation of water. And how the Frozen franchise just loves to make Elsa more special within every installment.

I am so very tired of it. So I came up with a way that it could all be fixed and make sense if they make a third movie.

Also to note that Anna and Elsa are supposed to be two halves of the fifth spirit but that's VERY briefly touched in movie (quote: well actually a bridge has two sides and mother had two daughters) and Disney themselves take Elsa as the fifth spirit alone so that's stupid.

Why Elsa specifically controls ice

We all know how we're frustrated with the fact that Elsa is supposed to connect all the elements when she only controls ice.

But let's think about it from another prospective. The first movie is based about the seasons. It's a seasonal theme rather than an elemental theme like in its sequel. So why not bring that back?

The enchanted forest cannot be the ONLY place that has mystical spirits. What if there were three other forests with their own fifth spirits and each fifth spirit represented a season?

And each seasonal spirit's magic is a mix of two elements.

Elsa/Winter: Ice = water + air

Spring: Plants = water + earth

Summer: Lava = earth + fire

Fall: Lightning/Storms = air + fire

This still fits in with the fact that the fifth spirit can play back moments in time as well. Each spirit has their own Ahtohallan. Elsa's is made of ice because it's just frozen water and the water is was plays back those moments in time.

Spring's would be like an island made of plants, fungi and marsh. Plants have water running within them so they can take the form of moments in time like Elsa's ice statues.

Summer's would be a volcano with a river flowing through it. Lava and water can mix to create lava rocks. When doing so the memories within that water would be imbedded into the rocks they form and therefore be able to play moments in time as rock statues.

Autumn's would basically be a fog bank with almost ghostly figures making up the memories since fog is a mist, aka: water. Kinda like the scene where Elsa fights the wind spirit and their powers mix for a moment.

Where the others come from

For this, I decided to look around other lands within that side of the world that has legends of spirits. I decided upon:

Spring = Scotland

Summer = Arabia

Fall/Autumn = Japan

I chose for Arabia to be summer, of course , because it's a desert country so it very hot. Japan is autumn because it's culture and everything just always reminded be of the beauty of fall. And Scotland is spring because that's what was left and when I think of Scotland, I think of it's green forests and plants.

Nothing too deep.

Personalities

You think I'd make Summer hotheaded and spring, giddy and bouncy, right?

No, because you see, as I've stated in another post of mine; Why Frozen Doesn't Work In The Big Four, I explained how Elsa's personality reconciles more with summer. The opposite season of her own.

Elsa is kinda quiet, gentle, diplomatic, practical, worries silently and is angelically innocent (even though she doesn't deserve to be).

All are traits relating to summer. So if her personality is opposed to her season, then it'd be the same for the other fifth spirits.

Spring would be a leader, confident, energetic, true to a cause, dependable, easily irritated and stubborn.

Summer would be reserved, well mannered, a good listener, natural poise and pessimistic.

And autumn would be energetic, tender-hearted, optimistic, friendly and overly talkative.

How the spirits work

I fully believe that the spirits have no physical form but rather inhabit certain things. Basically possession but the spirits don't have control over themselves once they choose a vessel and depending on the solidarity of what their element is, determines what kind of vessel they need.

The wind spirit is said to be a playful spirit and would want to make its own choices. Being an element you can't hold, it doesn't really need a host.

Water is liquid and needs something to be it's host but doesn't necessarily need something alive. Therefore it can inhabit a small animal or it inhabits its own element, hence a water horse.

Fire isn't a solid or liquid but it's not necessarily a gas either. Fire always needs to burn on something in order to burn. Therefore it cannot just make out it's own body like water but it doesn't need a large vessel. Hence, a little salamander.

Earth is the most solid of them all so it would need multiple hosts in order to sustain itself. That's why there are multiple earth giants and not just one like the other spirits.

I believe the spirits don't have control over their actions once they choose a host because all the spirits (besides wind) seem to not know what's even going on most of the time. And that would explain why the spirits didn't get rid of the dam themselves, because their vessels didn't know that was the problem.

I also believe that they need a host to begin with because they are actually susceptible to death. As it has been confirmed that Elsa is NOT immortal and there wouldn't have been a legend of a fifth spirit if people hadn't seen one before.

It would also explain how the spirits drove the citizens out of Arendelle without physically being there; they managed to leave their hosts for a time in order to do so. Along with what the light that Elsa was following at Ahtohallan, was. The fifth spirit was able to sustain itself by staying in its birth place and activated the memory of Elsa's mom singing, to bring Elsa there and when Elsa's dress transforms is when the spirit possesses her.

Why does the fifth spirit need to be human? Because humans are more durable. The fifth spirit doesn't control anything completely solid like rock so it doesn't need multiple vessels but it also controls more than a single element, therefore is too much to figure out/control for just any animal.

That's why it chose a very young child to give it's powers to rather than the person who actually did the deed of saving their enemy. It needs to be someone who will have the time to learn and control their powers by adulthood.

(Despite Elsa not truly being worthy and being a horrible sister, she was already chosen at birth and she at least gets the job done. At everyone else's expense but still.)

Plot

How would the seasonal spirits meet? Why would they leave their homes for this? What brings them together?

The four sided snowflake represents the elements connected to the winter spirit. Every season would have their own version of this. But there are also four seasons just like there are four elements.

So, could there be a fifth spirit for the fifth spirits? A fifth spirit to connect the seasons and if so, what is it? What's their power?

I believe, much like the winter spirit called to Elsa, the ultimate fifth spirit will call all the seasonal spirit's to come together at a single location. Anna would come with Elsa as well, of course, and during their journey, they'd all eventually meet each other along the way.

Eventually Anna would start to feel a little neglected when Elsa keeps talking to / about the other people who also have magic. Anna doesn't wish for magic, but she wishes for Elsa to finally see herself and Anna as equals (because Elsa clearly wouldn't after finding others like herself, let's be real). So Anna goes off to have her own sort of "Show Yourself" moment and is the one to find the location they've been looking for which is where she becomes their fifth spirit; the Aurora Borealis.

It was in one of the original scripts for the first movie that Anna was gonna have the power to control the Aurora Borealis, but then the creators decided that took away from Elsa's agency for self isolation due to her powers.

It's true that Anna having been able to accomplish what she did without powers is one of her best attributes but Anna becoming the light spirit is really the only way she's gonna get any appreciation within the fan base or the disney community. Plus Anna's done all the work to begin with so she deserves it.

With the other spirits being seasonal & elemental, it would only make sense for the one to connect them all would be light.

But all the spirits also have an opposite to balance them out:

Fire | Water

Earth | Air

Winter | Summer

Spring | Autumn

So maybe the reason they were all being called there is because Light's opposite is Darkness and it's plotting to take them all out. They are in charge of keeping balance and darkness wants to create chaos. But you also need darkness for balance, so maybe someone else will be with them through the journey and become the vessel for darkness in order to control it. Because, again, spirits have no control once they have a host.

This could be a possible redemption arc for Hans. We could learn about what he's been through and what truly drove him to be the bad guy because from what we know of his brothers, they were really bad. I think he just really lost a nerve due to unintentional (or intentional) abuse and was trying to prove to his family that he was better than they believed. People who suffer from abuse can be irrational like that.

I think it would be a phenomenal thing for him to overcome his inner darkness while also taking control of the literal spirit of darkness.

Metaphorical-wise it's beautiful.

Art/Designs

I edited the other seasons + Anna off of concept art for Elsa's white dress while Hans is kinda my own creation but I still used his concept art for a base. Everything after that are purely original.

Location they are led to ⬇️

Let me know what you all think 👍

[redsector-a]

AO3 Ask Game

I was tagged by @themarshalstale which, thank you so much! I feel like I always get missed on these (I know why, it’s been 84 years since I published anything but still). 1. How many works do you have on ao3?

46 it seems. Which...look I’m slow man so that’s not surprising. lol Also crippling depression does not make for much production, at least for me.

2. What’s your current AO3 wordcount?

309662 according to the stats.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

So do I could only AO3 or in like life? lol I suppose it should only be on AO3 since this is an AO3 ask game. Hrm. Basically AO3 can be summed up as: Marvel (in several iterations - all Avengers related) Torchwood Highlander But isn’t it more fun to consider my entire fandom life, which, I’m sorry, I’m old so...yeah. Not all of this is was published and beyond that a lot is not available anymore...which is likely for the best. Highlander Star Wars Babylon 5 Ronin Warriors/Samurai Troopers Marvel (again, several iterations also of note Avengers and X-Men both count) Torchwood Star Trek LOTR Stargate (SG-1, SGA) Mortal Kombat I dabbled with the idea of Potter fic but never got past the ideas stage.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1: You rearrange me till I’m sane Clint finds himself spiraling into a deep depression after the Battle of New York...until the Winter Soldier ends up saving him and inadvertently giving him a new purpose – to save the man that the Soldier had once been – Bucky Barnes. Not one to be outdone, the Soldier decides that his new mission is to ensure that Clint remains alive himself. Protecting a blonde man with a self-destructive streak is somehow very familiar to him. Through the back and forth of who is saving whom they cross the country and learn more about themselves and each other – and perhaps find a reason for living. 2: Five Dates Bucky Didn’t Realize He Was on And the One He Planned Himself To say that Bucky was surprised when Clint kissed him was an understatement. But it was nothing compared to the shock he felt when he learned they'd been dating for months without him realizing it.Clint gets whisked away for a mission before they have time to talk and Bucky is left to figure things out on his own - hindsight being 20/20 he can't help but wonder how he missed things the first go around.

3: Puck Luck Bucky Barnes is used to the ups and downs of an NHL season. He's used to the unpredictability of the game, knows that bounces don't always go your way, but that doesn't make a broken hand in the final third of the season any easier to deal with. Especially not when he ends up with an impromptu roommate/personal assistant in the form of one Clint Barton - his agent, Natalia Romanova's (rather attractive) friend he hadn't known existed before his injury.

It's just for six to eight weeks - what could possibly happen in that span of time?

4: Loose Lips Launch Ships

Based on the following prompt: “We go to school together and I think you’re cute and apparently you’re also the pizza delivery guy and my little sibling opened the door screaming hey sibling! you know that kid you’re in love with? you really weren’t kidding when you said his jawline could cut steel holy shit-” Bucky is the pizza delivery guy. Clint's younger (foster) brother has a big mouth.

5: Indelible Bucky Barnes has a pretty decent life – a good job, good friends, a cat that adores him - but something is missing. He’s always found body art to be beautiful and inspiring, and on a whim (and with the hope that maybe he can find what he’s missing) he decides to take the plunge and get a tattoo. That's how he meets Clint Barton. Clint's talented and compassionate and there is an instant spark between the two of them. It's not long before Bucky finds himself wondering and wanting more from the relationship despite the ghosts of the past that crop back up. Because Clint makes him feel normal in a way he truly hasn't for years...

(this was pre-Alpine so I was totally chuffed when canon confirmed Bucky’s status as a crazy cat lady (affectionate).

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not.

I really really really want to do it but I often times don’t end up doing it. There are a few reasons. First, I am akwward AF and bad at interaction adn I feel like just saying thank you would be...not enough? Second - I often times tend to like...turtle (aka retreat into myself) when life gets Too Hard/Busy which happens a lot to me (sigh) and then I miss the vague window in my mind in which it would be okay to respond and then it’s even more weird. I do love and cherish all of them. Like there was one months ago that made me go “hmm...I didn’t think I was going to do a sequel to that fic (You rearrange me till I’m sane), timestamp glimpses sure but a sequel hadn’t come to mind” but then the comment made me think! So...who knows? lol Anyway, I literally have been rereading some in an effort to try and get myself going again. Know that if you have commented, I love you.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

At the moment? Probably: Look at you look at me Bucky's in love with Clint - problem is he's really not supposed to be. For Winterhawk Week 2019 - Forbidden Love (I really don’t want to give away the spin in the fic but...if you’re familiar with the Secret Avengers Vol 2 run circa 2013ish (aka when SHIELD initially ‘took control of the team’) that’s a bit of a hint as to the spin). Were it done, Torch Song would be up there. ;) Torch Song Clint is sent back in time, via an alien device, to 1938. While he tries to figure out how to get back home, he takes up singing and entertaining to make ends meet and does his best to not disrupt the timeline.Then he meets a 21 year old Bucky Barnes. --- A torch song is a sentimental love song, typically one in which the singer laments an unrequited or lost love, either where one party is oblivious to the existence of the other, where one party has moved on, or where a romantic affair has affected the relationship.

7. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

Does *wanting* to write crossovers count? lol I want, so badly, to do more crossovers and fusions (which...are kinda deeper versions of crossovers in a way). The only one I do have posted is a crossover between Highlander and Torchwood -

The Immortal Mr. Jones A series of vignettes (some long, some short) in the life of the newly immortal Ianto Jones. My most ambitions project that I have been working on since late 2011/early 2012 is a fusion of the Avengers with Stephen King’s the Stand. I will get that done at some point *shakes fist*  The Stand, for those who don’t know it, is an epic 1000+ page novel about a flu epidemic (I know) that wipes out over 99% of the population and then two figures representing Good and Evil pull the survivors in two directions for a showdown. So basically it’s a non-powered modern AU set in that universe. It’s a passion and comfort project. lol

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. Well, minor bitching back when I was in a prior fandom because I tagged a pairing in a fic but it was pre-slash and not labeled as pre-slash. I got hate on...I think it was Torch Song? And I’ve gotten hate on tumblr re me and my fic in general as well. Fandom! *jazz hands* Oh! And I’ve also been hit by those reviewers within Winterhawk (among general Clint pairings actually) who like rate you on either number scales or the “meh” scale. Which isn’t hate exactly but...it’s passive aggressive bullshit because I can’t believe none of them realize at this point that the authors can see their bookmarks - you know?

9. Do you write smut?

Yes. Do I write it well? I have no idea. lol

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of. Well...there was, I think, one of those reposting sites that had a few fics on it but I don’t think it was being passed off as someone else’s? I can’t quite recall. It’s why I have a note on AO3 about reposting my work anyway.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not entirely, but sort of. Let me explain - I am part of a PBEM game; which for those unfamiliar since it’s a term that was most heavily in use 15-20 years ago, in which you basically do a round robin type writing thing but rather than everyone writing the same characters you write your own characters and you play off what other people have done. Another way of looking at it is  it’s basically DnD without dice and written down rather than done out loud. You also don’t have to all be around at the same time. It’s a lot of fun and yes I have been in it for 20 years even though there aren’t many of us left but they are some of my dearest friends and fabulous writers. Wins all around.  One of the other writers and I have actually toyed with the idea of doing a co-written fic actually, mostly because we work super well together and keep getting ideas for things but can’t really do them as rpgs since the pbem style isn’t used much anymore.

12. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Winterhawk probably. Though, let’s be real - Han & Leia are epic and amazing as are John & Delenn (from Babylon 5).

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Does wanting to expand The Black Stallion books as a wee child count? lol Not much of that was written save for world building ideas but there was a great oral tradition of telling stories to my friends. Otherwise...maybe a tie between Star Wars and Highlander. Star Wars was a love since I was super young but the writing bug didn’t hit me until around the same time Highlander was a thing as well.

14. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? You rearrange me till I’m sane for sure. Though Torch Song, if it were finished, would be tied I imagine (I suck at picking favorites). Honorable mention to Puck Luck and Indelible. Tagging: I have seen this like a million times (okay 5) so I feel like everyone has been tagged already that I know. But...I guess... @vexbatch @crazycatt71 @heartonfirewrites and @disruptedvice sorry if anyone has been tagged before.

[iam93percentstardust]

hey! i hope you’re having an amazing day. this is just me popping in your inbox to say that’s youre one of my favourite writers and you got me really interested in winteriron (honestly one of the cutest ships) are there any fics/authors ii could reccomend?

Hi there! Thank you so much! I love this ship so much, they’ve got such potential for both fluff and angst. They really are one of my favorite ships to write and I’m glad I was able to write so much for them this year. I certainly do have plenty of recs for you, starting with my favorite authors:

@riotwritesthings: started writing last year, I highly recommend just about everything Riot writes but especially Road Hazards, Melt into Me (Your Words are My Own), and When is a bed not a bed? (When you’re not in it)

@hddnone: so many stories and all so good! Has nearly 100 Winteriron works on ao3 and you will not regret reading any of them, though fair warning that some of them are Team Cap Critical. Especially recommend Honey Pot, You’ve Got Mail, and A Bit(e) of Danger

@monobuu: mostly an artist but sometimes writes stories as well. i recommend Ravioli, Invincible Summer, and Meet the Fam

@tisfan and @27dragons: can’t make a Winteriron rec list without including the both of them. They work together a lot but you should definitely take a look at their own stuff as well. I recommend Safe and (the) Sound, Kiss Me Thru the Phone, and Stark, Naked

@ad1thi: currently taking a bit of a hiatus and working on non-Marvel works but I love everything Adi writes, particularly her entire Bollywood but Make it Gay series, which isn’t always Winteriron but wonderful nonetheless. I recommend the Greek Gods AU, 1000 Lives (For You), and we’re connected

@the-winter-writer: lots of smut and all absolutely fantastic! I like Precious Treasure, Winter Wings, and Instinct

@rayshippouuchiha: definitely an iconic writer for this fandom. Really great if you’re looking for genderbends. Writes a lot of absolutely incredible fics and not just for Winteriron but my personal favorites are The (Not So) Great Pretender, Fearful Symmetry, and The Mistletoe Kiss Polka

Finely Honed (jaqen_hgar): once again very iconic. you’ve probably read at least one of their works even if didn’t know. I recommend Shameless, Today’s Forecast, and Practice Makes Perfect

@lovelyirony: mostly writes ficlets here on tumblr and a multishipper (I don’t know why I’m saying that like it’s a bad thing, I’m a multishipper), also a fan of Sharon Carter and that’s the thing that made me follow her so you know

@amethystinawrites: I only recently started working their works but I’m loving everything I’ve come across so far. I recommend Tech Support and I Won’t Hold My Breath

AvocadoLove: also writes a lot of Stony and Stuckony, which I love a lot, but for their Winteriron works, I recommend Amalgam and Dead Man’s Switch

Dracusfyre: another one I’m new to. I literally just started reading their works today so I don’t have any recs for them yet but one of my friends loves them so I’m going to go with you should definitely take a look at their works

Eirlyssa: has some anti-Team Cap works so keep an eye out for that if that’s not your thing but writes very good Winteriron. I recommend Guide Me Home (Guide My Heart) and Always (I’ll Be There)

@imposter-human: one of the first MCU blogs I ever followed! I recommend childhood memories, speak my language, and lost in translation

As for specific works I like:

Four Strings and Second Chances by Vashoth

It was reluctance to let one of his finest inventions ever out of his grasp that made him take a couple days over a week to send the arm to Pepper’s office. But all things considered, Tony figured that sending finest prosthetic that had ever come into existence--literally grasping an olive branch--was one of the classiest gifts he’d ever given. He’d included a note and everything. ‘Barnes,

Can help with installation. Or not. Up to you. --Stark'

Who is the Mechanic? by @akira-of-the-twilight

The Asset watched as his handlers brought in a stranger—a man with a metal object stuck to his chest that was hooked to a car battery.

The handlers shoved the man onto the stool where many who had operated on the Asset’s arm in the past had sat before.

“Asset,” one handler said, “meet the Mechanic. He will be responsible for the upkeep of your arm. Should anything malfunction, kill him.”

The Asset eyed the Mechanic. The Mechanic was glassy-eyed and unresponsive.

He’d probably be dead in a week.

The Fix by SleepsWithCoyotes

Right, because Tony...Tony fixes things. He remembers thinking that, not for the first time.

Paths are Made by Walking by @potrix-the-queerschlaeger

The road to recovery is long, winding and a different one for every person walking it. Bucky chooses to help himself the only way he knows how; by doing what he does best.

Or, alternatively; the one in which Tony is a mess and accidentally kick-starts Bucky’s protective mother hen instincts.

The Evidence by StrivingArtist

Didn’t notice. Right. Sure. Two brilliant minds, two super spies, and a god didn’t notice when the chattiest man they knew stopped making sound. They just seemed happier than before. Brighter and more cheerful than before. They just seemed like they were more comfortable with him around when he was stone silent.

Fuck it.

He knew they noticed.

And he knew they liked him better this way.

Shadowed Hearts and Winter Souls by NotEvenCloseToStraight

The mid-1800s and Antonio Carbonell Stark is caught in a scandal with his lover. Desperate for a chance to escape the trouble and his own broken heart, Tony accepts a proposal from a mysterious Russian heiress and flees the country.

Natalia Romanova is in trouble of her own and has enough secrets to make Tony's head spin but somehow they settle into a fake marriage and calm day-to-day together, and everything works... until her half brother comes home and their life is disrupted again.

James is somber and silent, brutal and nearly broken and scarred, a soldier of the resistance. His heart is cold and gaze like ice, but his hands are hot and lips are warm and Tony finds himself ignoring the blood on James's palms and the shadows in his soldier’s eyes, and falling in love.

When danger lands at their doorstep, Natalia and Tony have to pack up and leave, running away in the middle of the night and leaving their men behind.

The distance between Tony and James gets longer every day, and Natalia has been keeping a secret for that can’t be hidden much longer. With no place to call home and a thousand miles between them and the men they love, what are Tony and Natalia supposed to do?

Puppy Love by Reioka

Bucky is learning to become a person again. When some guy starts crying all over Natasha's dog, he decides he's doing better than he originally thought.

Describe Your Perfect Date by ali_aliska

After getting turned down by Bucky, Tony decides it’s time to move on from his massive crush. He tries online dating—Pepper’s idea, not his—but the only thing worse than getting rejected is getting rejected and finding out your soulmate-level match is Clint Barton, all in the same day.

Clint, of course, does not let opportunities like this go to waste, but he’s driving Tony nuts for a good cause, he swears.

Bucky’s just trying to do the right thing and fails spectacularly, but it all works out in the end.

Rocket Science by marsmaywonder and orbingarrow

Sleep-deprived and under-caffeinated, grad student Tony falls asleep in a conveniently empty classroom and wakes up in the middle of Bruce’s Physics 101 course. After seeing a groggy Tony fumble a simple question, actual-student Bucky offers to tutor him. In a moment of “oh no; he’s cute” panic, Tony takes him up on it. Now, in addition to his already complicated life, Tony has to figure out the answer to the incredibly messy question: “How do you look like you’re failing the class, when you literally wrote the book?”

What’s Good for the Goose by Taste_is_Sweet

For this nonny prompt at the Imagine Tony and Bucky comm on Tumblr:

"A soulmate AU where an immortal goose shows up one day to lead you to your soulmate, the challenge is surviving the goose." (Full prompt in notes.)

We all have soulmates, and every soulmate pair shares an animal guide. The Guide is there to lead you to your One True Love, and they represent the aspects of the psyche that you both share. They appear when you're about to meet your soulmate, and often materialize in moments of great personal crisis, offering hope and support. There are stories upon stories about how someone's Guide appeared to lead them to their One True, or how the barest glimpse of their Guide eased their hearts and gave them hope in the midst of despair. The newly-rescued almost always attribute their Guide with giving them the strength and courage to hang on.

Animal Guides are ephemeral, ethereal, and elusive. They are, most often, no more than a warm presence or flicker out of the corner of one's eye. They are incarnate symbols of perseverance, optimism and hope. Foretellers of happiness, and the grand destiny of love.

Except for geese. Geese are assholes.

and so, we unfold by TheKitteh

Senbazuru. Thousand Cranes.

An ancient Japanese legend that promises anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes will be granted a wish by the gods. Some stories believe you are granted happiness and eternal good luck, instead of just one wish, such as long life or recovery from illness or injury.

Bucky’s not big on believing in any legends, not after all that has happened. He just wants to create something for a change, not destroy.

He needs to prove himself that he can be trusted to handle something delicate. He doesn’t need a promise of a wish come true. He just,- needs to do this for himself.

He doesn’t need noticing how sad, tired Stark looks. Doesn’t need to want to do something for the man, when he can barely do anything for himself. --- Tony simply goes through days and motions. He deals with the Avengers, with R&;D, with the rewritten Accords. All of it, it’s nothing new really. He just wants to get things done.

What’s new is seeing Barnes hunched over the coffee table, one step away from ripping a glossy magazine apart in the middle of the night.

And why the hell Barnes keeps looking at him during the days after like he’s a puzzle to be solved?

Welcome to the Winteriron fandom! We’ve got a lot of incredible authors and artists both and this is just the tip of the iceberg!

[shmegmilton]

Can you explain how Aaron and Alexander stopped being friends and started fighting?

They were never really ‘friends.’ I assume you got that idea from the play, but I have no idea why the play tried to push that narrative. Civil? Sure, but that was necessary. New York was less than 50,000 people at the time, and they were both accomplished lawyers & statesmen who had to work and interact with each other on a daily basis. Politics is politics, look at how people are acting right now during our election. 

As for your question, it’s a long line of policy & personal disagreements, mostly. They were on opposite sides of the aisle on pretty much everything. Lots of small things, but a lot of big, BIG things.

     Burr was (ironically) kind of a pacifist; he kept mostly to himself, didn’t really speak much publicly & didn’t necessarily go out of his way to confront people unless he’s been pushed long enough (everyone ‘snaps’ at some point, y’know?)

But that’s why the ‘Burr is an evil mastermind’ myth is so pervasive today. Burr just… didn’t bother defending himself, or correcting anything, because he (mistakingly) had faith in the inherent goodness of people that someday people would see him for his true character. So for that reason, we don’t really have a good timeline from Burr’s perspective as to how he felt about Hamilton—but BOY howdy did Hamilton never shut up about Burr.

----

Trespass & Confiscation Acts  (1782ish)

     During the Revolution, the British confiscated the property of patriots that fled the city. New York did the same thing, & for a while it was this game of: ‘Oh, you’re gonna take my stuff? **draws a line in the dirt** Well, everything behind this line is mine now.” It was all very bad, and after the way Tories & Loyalists faced a lot of honestly very fucked up discrimination & forfeiture of their rights. Hamilton (like most Federalists) was pro-British, so he represented a lot of these people in court. I’m sure it wasn’t purely out of the goodness of his heart--most of his clients were loaded--but the sentiment is there. On the other hand, there are multiple records of Burr buying up property around this time, most likely confiscated Tory property, which he would usually flip or give away to people that he knew, so he was taking full advantage of this. Burr also, most likely, went head-to-head with Hamilton on a few of these cases, because Burr tended to work with the ‘common folk.’

French Revolution (1789ish to 1799ish) & Proclamation of Neutrality (1793)

     Burr (like most Democratic-Republicans) was pro-French, so much so that he took in French refugees fleeing the Revolution into his home. He was very sympathetic to the cause.Hamilton was not. He basically saw it the same way that right-wing Conservatives see the Black Lives Matter movement is the best way I can explain it. He also hated it for the amount of immigrants that were now fleeing to the U.S.

Burr Gets Chosen For NY Senate (1791)

     Key word: chosen. As in, he didn’t actually run. That wasn’t how politics worked back then. The Hamilton musical just fucking lied outright about that, let’s be clear. He also never switched parties. Ever. Back then you were nominated by the people who were already in government--usually by one of the powerful families like the Clintons or the Livingstons, or yada yada. So Burr didn’t actually do anything. He didn’t even really want the position either, if I recall. But back then if you were ‘called to serve,’ you were obligated to do it. Hamilton was furious either way because it meant that Burr was replacing his father-in-law, Phillip Schuyler, meaning that he wouldn’t have that extra ear in government that he wanted. Burr also had a lot of views that were considered ‘extreme’ at the time, like getting extra rights for women, immigrants & black people, but I have no idea what Hamilton thought of those individual policies other than he just didn’t like women, immigrants or black people.

1792 & 1796 Presidential Election

Burr wasn’t really that serious about either of these elections, I don’t think (in ’92 he wasn’t that well-known & barely got any support, but it’s worth noting the fact he was nominated to run at all was really impressive. He’s tied with William Jennings Bryan as being one of the youngest people to ever receive an electoral vote, at 36 years old.) In ’96 he faired a little better—he got 30 votes, which is nearly half of what you need to get the ticket nomination, also very impressive.Hamilton was super staunchly opposed to both of these runs, though, and did his typical Hamilton thing of openly campaigning about how the people shouldn’t vote for Burr, yada yada.

Jay Treaty (1794)

     I highly suggest looking up supplemental information on this because it’s a bit complicated, but it was basically a treaty between us and Great Britain to reaffirm that we were going to continue to not mess with France, as well as a couple of other weird hang-ups. It was not popular, at all, especially with the Demo-Republicans. There is a specific instance (that is actually kind of insane) where Hamilton gave a public speech in defense of it, and the Democratic-Republicans in the crowd started pelting him & the other Federalists with rocks. Hamilton got SO mad that immediately challenged a man to a duel, and threatened to fight each of the Democratic-Republicans one-by-one.  

Reynolds Affair (1797)

     Burr had a personal relationship with Maria Reynolds; he was her divorce attorney in 1793/1794, helped her out financially, & successfully petitioned (+paid for) her daughter Susan to attend a boarding school. I believe they also stayed in his him with him during the divorce proceedings, but don’t quote me on that. He never said anything publicly that I could find, but Burr probably had a personal investment in the Reynolds Pamphlet, since it painted Maria in a really damaging light.

Alien & Sedition Acts (1798)

     These were some of the most worst laws ever passed in the history of the country. Like, these were AWFUL. It not only limited immigration, but it limited the freedom of the press and freedom of speech (ESPECIALLY immigrants, my god.)

Burr was right on the front lines helping defend people in court, he actively opposed it & is probably the thing that propelled him into Jefferson’s orbit as a potential Vice President.

John Barker Church Duel (1797)

John Barker Church had accused Burr of taking bribes (which was unfounded & untrue) and they ended up dueling. JBC was the husband of Angelica Schuyler, Hamilton’s sister-in-law.

Neither was injured (though, JBC apparently put a hole in Burr’s coat), but it supposed infuriated Hamilton & his associates so much that they would send out fake letters “from Burr” challenging people to duels.

The Manhattan Company (1799)

    Burr was getting sick of the difficulty he was having getting loans from the Federalist-run banks and decided to do something about it. There had been several seasonal epidemics of yellow fever—caused by mosquitos but, at the time, it was thought to be caused by improperly treated water, miasma (‘bad air’) or (if you asked Hamilton) stinky evil immigrant refuges who were fleeing France and Haiti. Burr saw this and spearheaded a campaign to get a proper water treatment plant, even getting Hamilton to help him. Through some really weird loophole that I don’t quite understand, Burr was somehow allowed to use the ‘surplus capital’ for banking, which essentially turned it into a bank. The actual water treatment portion of the company was plagued with problems due to improper management and things like that.     We’ll never know his exact thought process on this (people normally assume it was malicious trickery because people are biased to hate Burr anyway) & I highly doubt that Burr knew the extent of the issues (he was on the Board of Directors, but so were a dozen others--INCLUDING John Barker Church) so I don’t entirely think it’s his fault, but the fact of the matter is that it most likely exacerbated the existing problems & indirectly led to more people getting sick/dying until they finally fixed the problems.I would say that it’s completely justifiable for Hamilton to be mad at Burr, but, as we established, Hamilton hated both poor people & immigrants (two groups most likely affected by this) so he wasn’t actually mad at him for the reason a… y’know, a normal person would be mad at him. He was mad at him because Burr destroyed the monopoly that Federalists had on banks, making it easier for Democratic-Republicans & others to get loans. He was literally mad at him for making the economy fair.

1800 Election & 1804 NY Governor Election

  These two are self-explanatory, I think, and I’ve already been writing way too long, lol. My hand hurts.

[blushing-starker]

Cold mates and black coffees

For @starkerfestivals prompt of mates

There is, he supposes, something beautiful about a world such as this, primitive yet advanced and sophisticated. Children no taller than his knee carry around super computers that fit in the palm of one's hands, talk to friends thousands of miles away whenever they want. It used to take him months to receive his preferred concoction for the early night wake up call, now stores inhabit every corner of every city. They patiently wait to receive their dependents, all sorts of people relying on some version of the simple black coffee to jolt their system. Convenient, sure, no doubt about that. A quick stop at a Starbucks and violá, five hours of productivity guaranteed. But nothing builds character like swimming laps through a freezing lake infested with piranhas to keep away the urge to rest for just another five minutes. Unfortunately, sleepless days were the norm for him and Rhodey whenever they endeavored to race each other underwater.

There are clothes, too. Clothes for each season available year round. Fox fur adorns a lanky mannequin next to a twin showcasing how breezy summer fabrics can be. Riding boots that he would have spent a small fortune on decades ago shine below man made light for the cost of a nice meal over at Pepper's. Jewels fine enough for the family vault enchant any who take so much as two steps in either direction. Everything is for sale; it just means swiping a plastic card, presenting a number off a super computer or giving the cashier the remains of ancient trees. He could buy an ice cream cone (with sprinkles, of course, he's not an idiot) and immediately wander over to a restaurant selling sizzling curry. It's what his father dreamed about, a thousand years ago. How odd then, that his only heir couldn't be more nonchalant to all this.

It's his what, first month back from sleeping for half a century? He got accustomed to this whirlwind of a consumerist world by the first week. The soft purr of self-driving engines, flashing neon street signs, a melting pot of twenty, thirty languages, glittering clothes clashing with garish makeup, an overwhelming scent of smoke, perfume and money is as familiar as the palm of Rhodey's left hand or Pepper's right. Is it fantastic, being alive for the wild ride that is the twenty-first century? Yes, of course it is. But it's his father's dream; not his. His dream is the same as what drove Maria Stark into the world: finding his mate. Which, logically speaking, won’t happen until time has colored his hair with quite a bit more starlight and streaked thin lines around not too shabby cheekbones. (Rhodey’s teasing words.)

Going along with logic, there is a chance his mate will never show up. It was mere luck his father met the only woman besides Peggy that could stand his whole. Well, that could just stand him, period. A mate is found by scent, identified by touch and only bound with words. If his father had gone for one more drink, he’d probably be as real as the tooth fairy. In the back of his head, there lives a voice. And this voice he named Miss Lucky. She told him how lucky he would need to be in order to find a mate not too close to cradle or grave, a person that saw eye to eye in the majority of the basics and was open to his predilection. Someone that wouldn’t fear or expose him, wouldn’t want to strike the killing blow themselves. And Christ, with or without Miss Lucky, it’s a fool’s idea, thinking that in the middle of New York amidst one of the coldest winters to ever grace the city, his mate, his soul’s match, his other heart will chance upon him and actually accept the fact that he barely exudes a scent. Let alone something useful enough to help others recognize his class.

That’s the one downfall to living in this time; so much tension regarding one’s class. It is infinitely better than before when there were only three possibilities and the social restrictions could very rarely be shattered. But now it’s about pulling rank, percentages listed on a piece of paper could be used against you or signify one’s survival. A double-edged sword. To be a nurse, any applicants must be less than thirty percent alpha. Soldiers were forbidden from entering foreign countries if they had more beta characteristics than not. Lovers, in some parts of the world, could marry exclusively when their percentages were compatible. In the old times, if you smelled like an omega, you were treated as such. That could entail being thrown into a whorehouse or perceived as royalty destined to bring life into the world. Once puberty came, a simple prick and a vial of blood determined one’s next decision regarding the future.

He took the test. Just out of curiosity and it’d be rude not to provide a mate with information so readily accessible merely because of an unjustified fear over his identity. He is an alpha. And if the test had said otherwise, it would have been no problem. Of course not, he would have been proud to identify as a beta or omega. His mother was a beta and his nanny, basically his second mother, was an omega. No shame would’ve clouded his mind at receiving such news. The matter was this, though, he had believed to be an alpha the entirety of his life. If the paperwork said that was his lowest percentage, different rules and procedures, updated to today’s society, would need to be learned.

And he’s so tired of it all when only a handful can smell the fact he’s an alpha. What was he supposed to do, carry the results in his pocket in case a bigot searched for a fight? No, that would be, as Pepper had made very clear before, extremely silly.

He carries the test in case his mate considers such matters important. Or their family. Yes, it’s not because he worries that society will somehow doubt his identity. In the end, being an alpha is an integral part of who he is. It shouldn’t be that way and he barely knows what that means, but it’s true. Miss Lucky comes back around swiftly now, what if his mate isn’t interested in him because of his percentage? What then? Learn what the other classes represent to that person and behave in ways they believe suit said classes? Could his match be with a pureblood, intent on “staying true” to their highest percentage? Would he be able to, cinnamon. Wait, cinnamon and honey? Is that rain and sunlight? Since when does Starbucks incorporate those smells? And how the hell does he know what sunlight smells like? He’s insane. There’s no other explanation, oh that must have hurt.

A young man has just barreled into him. Slammed into his arm like a linebacker. A linebacker that weighs a feather and a half. How is he this light, a breeze had more force. What should he, what’s the proper ritual here, oh my god

“Your nose is bleeding- “

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking. I’m just late for class and- “

“Calm down and let me buy you some coffee; you’re half dead- “

“Shit, your coat. I will pay you back, I swear.”

He hums, looks down and apparently he was too involved in his quest to find a mate that he completely bypassed the thought that this man had accidently crashed into him while holding a coffee…

A mate. He doesn’t know what sunlight smells like. How could he? Unless that’s what his mate smelled like. The young man inhales sharply, lets out a little “oh, I think, I know it’s you.” and, on further reflection, he notices this kid has the voice of an angel. Soft and kind while not being so lilting he’d think it weak and demure. Ah, he looks like an ethereal entity too. Of course he does.

It’s the eyes that do it for him, enchant him enough he wants to kneel and propose right there in the hopes of waking up each night to those amber pools as familiar and mysterious as the universe itself. The rosy lips, pink cheeks and sweeping lashes are also quite nice. He has the body of a being from the old tales, a nymph or a muse destined to bring light and joy to the world. And black coffee to coats older than his father and grandfather combined.

“Could I touch you properly? I think spilling sugar over that coat didn’t really give me the chance to feel my mate, Mister?” Rhodey’s gonna annihilate him. This is a child, twenty-one at most. They could exchange numbers; communicate when his best friend wouldn’t be tempted to take one look and accuse him of going for jailbait. He could make a plan, organize a way to gently explain how he’s an undead creature of the night whose low circulation means that somehow his hormone production slowed and therefore he barely smells like wood let alone an actual human being. They could make it work. If he’s lucky, Angel here won’t fall for another. If he’s lucky, lots of things won’t happen. Or they will anyway.

“Stark. Tony Stark. It’s a pleasure to meet you, all things considered. When I learned one’s mate smells like something unknown, I didn’t quite expect literal sunshine to be what I noticed. And don’t worry about the coat; it’s nothing.”

Marie Antoinette gave him this coat as a gift on his sixteenth birthday a few years before her death. It’s fine.

“Oh. I, I wouldn’t have thought I smelled like that. It’s really nice, actually. You smell, and please don’t take this the wrong way, like alpha. And home. I know it’s weird, but I can’t explain it any other way. I’m sorry if it’s too- “

At least he already knows he dislikes that worried furrow on such a happy face. He surges forward, clasps a soft hand and lets slip a shocked gasp, sees the mirrored reaction because Jesus, it’s as if he licked his finger and then stuck it inside a power outlet. Every hair on his body stands on end and when was the last time his heart beat that fast? Surely it was the night his old flame left or when they, no. No memories of a past lover when his mate is right here, clutching his hand like a lifeline.

“I don’t believe I know your name. Seems a little unfair, don’t you think? Wanna even the odds?” It’s meant to make the young man smile and he does.

It’s only when he grins that Tony notices the sharpened incisors and the slight cold coming from the small figure. The same fog that follows him around even on the hottest of days. The exact shape of teeth Tony cleans in front of his bathroom mirror each night.

“Peter. My name’s Peter. Nice to meet you, Tony.”

[newnitz]

Howl's Moving Castle & the Power Narrative Holds Over Reality

Like most 90s borns, my first anime was Pokémon. I watched the first three seasons diligently, and my tooth fairy gifts were always VHSs of memorable episodes. But like most Millennials and even Gen-X before us, my first real entryway to Japanese culture was Hayao Miyazaki. On the tiny TV screen, behind even for 2002, where my mother would watch her TV shows as she worked out, I watched Spirited Away. Chihiro/Sen's coming-of-age story and the movie's numerous themes deserves their own essay, and one I think better bloggers, vloggers and ordinary people have written before me. But after such a masterpiece, I jumped at the chance to see the next Studio Ghibli movie, Howl's Moving Castle. I rushed to the local library to read the book before it aired in the nearby city's bus station mall's small cinema. 18 years later, too nauseous for schoolwork and mooching off of my dad's Netflix account, I decided to rewatch this film. ***Spoiler alert for both book AND film*** The film itself is a staunch anti-war message, released around the same time as the invasion of Iraq, informed by Miyazaki's own childhood in the final years of Imperial Japan and the horrors inflicted on his home country to set the stage of the Cold War. The exposition includes a bombing of Sophie's hometown with...banners. The citizens of Ingary are terrified of the flying machines descending upon their skies, they expect bombs and destruction and untold death and unspeakable horrors. So when they instead get rained down paper pieces with pictures and words we are never privy to, they treat it with suspicion. They refuse to so much as touch them, since it's of the enemy. And the day after, when Ingary soldiers distribute their own country's propaganda banners, they drink it down without a second thought. Again, we are never privy to what they say. Perhaps it was meaningless. Perhaps, to the common contemporary viewer, the content would be incomprehensible. But for me, it got me thinking: What if this was the "enemy" spreading missing posters of their prince? What if this was a warning for the townspeople to evacuate, as they expect to take point there? And if it was, what the hell did it accomplish, outside of everything BUT what it tried to? The people are too scared. They see it as psychological warfare, whether intentional or not, and therefore the papers become a terrorizing presence, whether they were filled with graphic threats or pleas for cooperation, all it ended up doing is scaring the population into a deeper layer of hatred. I personally disagree with the film's apparent message, but I agree with how much of war is the matter of spinning the truth. No character represents a better allegory for spinning the truth than Sophie Hatter, the main character of the movie. The first thing we notice about her is how intricate and colorful all her creations are, while she sticks to a plain hat with minimal detail. We see her displeasure with her own appearance even when trying it on in front of the mirror. She dresses plainly for she thinks herself plain - wearing a mousy dress in both the source book and the film adaption. The book elaborates on this narrative and its subversion: In Ingary, fairytale tropes are accepted as divine truths. Sophie and her sister Lettie have had their mother die as toddlers, so when their father remarried and produced a third sister(briefly referenced in the film), Martha, Sophie and Lettie were doomed to be wicked, hideous stepsisters. But not only did their stepmother raised them as her own, but both all the Hatters were stated to be beautiful, with Lettie in particular having the entire town's male population vying for her affection in both book and film. In fact, the cunning one is the designated "Cinderella", Martha, who uses her guile to warn her half-sisters. See, another trope specific to Ingary was that the firstborn of three siblings will never find their luck - if they ever dare try, they will encounter disaster after misfortune and end up poor and miserable. According to Martha, her mother wanted to enjoy a life of luxury, so she sent Lettie to work in a bakery where she will surely find a man of her liking to start a life with, and shipped her own daughter off to be a magic apprentice far far away from her. Sophie is the only one she kept close, because she knew she buys into the tropes and will make her fortune for her, preferring the safety of her late father's shop to the dangers of the unlucky life of a firstborn. But in both film and book, this blissful avoidance of any exploration is torn away in a chance encounter Sophie has with the notorious wizard Howl. While her sister(s) are terrified for her safety, Sophie has no fear of the 'heart-eating monster' as "he only eats the hearts of beautiful girls", believing her plainness protected her. But oh, how she was wrong. Or was she? In both book and film, the Witch of the Wastes barges into the hat shop. In the book, she seeks Lettie whom Howl is taken with(like literally every man in town) and enters the shop where an overworked Sophie loses her temper at her, and mistaking the hatter for her sister, she curses the girl to become old. In the film, she's explicitly exacting revenge on Sophie, whom Howl is interested in, and follows her and invades her shop after closing time, cursing her to be ninety years old. This is supposed to devastate Sophie - rob her of her youth, beauty and health, ending her life before she started them. But in both versions, Sophie acclimates to the change rather well, constantly noticing the perks of living as an old lady - she can mumble to herself and be seen as normal, she can be assertive and commanding without being inappropriate and/or bossy, and since she has nothing to lose, she might as well go exploring the world, if only to lift the curse. To revisit this as someone who didn’t expect to have the option of growing old, this is an empowering message on its own - growing old is what you make of it. But despite subverting the Witch's narrative, Sophie remains a helpless victim of her own narrative. Book Sophie is explicitly said to be a powerful sorceress unaware of her own powers, even enchanting her hats into the client's shape with her words alone, while in the film it's only implied. But in both versions she Unconsciously Maintains Her Own Curse: She reverts to the eighteen year old in her sleep, or when something silences her insecurities enough. In the film, she's explicitly shown to de-age as she gains confidence in herself under the role of the household maid, going from the frail ninety-year-old into someone who looks and acts as a woman just past middle age - I don't think this is incidental, as many women are at their most confident at that age, when they no longer feel pressured to worry about trivial matters such as beauty and childrearing, and retreat back into the original cursed form when Howl calls her beautiful - a compliment she can never accept. In the book, Howl eventually comes to the conclusion that she likes being old and gives up trying to guide her out of it. The book takes narrative subversion even further. Remember cunning Martha? Turns out, the Hatters didn't conform to their mother's narrative either - Martha was bored by wizardry while Lettie craved it. The two concocted a plan to glamour as one another, which of course the mentor witch saw right though, and preferred Lettie's genuine interest to Martha ghosting the craft. This stings extra once Fanny is shown to be a caring mother who attacks who he thought cursed her stepdaughter - perhaps she fell for the same sort of thinking Sophie did, and wanted her stepdaughter to have the best life possible for someone doomed to fail, thought extroverted Lettie enjoyed the attention and choice of men and wanted Martha to be a powerful, self-sufficient young woman who led a life more glamorous than she did, as someone who lacked magic? That Fanny was a real parent - a well-intentioned woman who completely misjudged her children and their future? Is it possible Martha’s own narrative has poisoned her relationship with her mother, perhaps beyond repair? As for Sophie, in the book she breaks her own curse by breaking the contract between Calcifer and Howl. But the film gives it more nuance - Calcifer and Howl are clearly in a codependent relationship: In both versions Howl gave Calcifer his heart in exchange for magical powers (as well as saving the fallen star's life, depending on your interpretation of the character), but by the time Sophie employs herself at the Castle, Calcifer feels more like a slave than a powerful demon. Howl himself has his own internal struggles, and many online have made convincing cases for BPD being among them. Calcifer is an essential part of his support system. Each one of them believes that if Calcifer isn't fed properly, or gets dunked with water, they'll both die. And once Sophie does so to stop the wizened, depowered Witch of the Wastes from literally being consumed by her obsessive desire for Howl, she too believes to have killed them both with her rash actions. But they live, because Sophie's part in a time loop led her to think otherwise and refuse to give up on them. Within the film’s universe, this ties into Sophie’s innate magical powers talking reality into her perception. But I know real-life, ordinary people who’s own narratives have changed grim fates.  Now, I don’t live in Ingary. I don’t believe the world around me has literal, reality-warping magic. I’m not a spiritual person. But this is precisely why Howl’s Moving Castle appealed to me - because the characters’ thoughts don’t perfectly dictate reality, but the way they act on their perceptions does. I know a man who is alive because his (now ex-)wife changed the narrative of his deathbed to one of optimism and efficacy. When I stopped trying to have my self-image reflected in the eyes of others, I transformed into a more confident, capable person practically overnight. I’m not delusional - I’m well aware of the Dunning-Krueger effect, of how reality exists whether you live in it or not. I’d like to think I live strictly within the boundaries of what is proven beyond reasonable doubt to be real. 

But your spin on reality dictates your life. It can dictate parts of the lives of your close ones. But the message isn’t one of just changing your own view of a situation around you to become happy, oh no. Lettie and Martha didn’t just choose to be happy in apprenticeships they had no passion for. Sophie didn’t just relocate to some quaint cottage to live the few years that weren’t stolen from her as an old hermit. They acted to transform the existent reality within their means, but they could only do so because they felt empowered enough to question their life’s narratives. 

[dramionediscussion]

I honestly believe that antis don’t know what dramione is actually about, and believe we just ship a bully with his victim–and refuse to deviate from their reasoning.

But dramione is NOT about that, because literally NO ONE in the dramione fandom (except a few bad apples) would ship a childhood bully draco with hermione. We understand that yes, doing that would make it toxic/abusive. 

draco’s racism was taught to him, just like the weasley children were taught that muggles and wizards and muggleborns were equal. the first eleven years of his life, he grew up with lucius malfoy as a role model–one of the chief blood supremacists. we know that canonically draco worshipped his dad. he learnt that muggleborns were scum of the earth. why would he question that? when we’re kids, we don’t question what our parents teach us–we just assume they’re right and that’s how the world works.

the same concept applies to his classism. the first thing he said to ron was “red hair. hand-me-down robes. you must be a weasley.” now, keep in mind that this is the first time draco is meeting ron. how is an eleven-year-old who’s never met the other child before, know exactly who the child is, and how the child would look?

again, the parents. lucius malfoy worked with arthur weasley in the ministry. he would obviously go home and complain about the “blood traitor and his poverty” to narcissa, and draco would probably overhear, and assume that that’s how you treat the weasleys, because they’re “bad people” in his father’s book, and by extension, his. 

the second book: at the start, lucius puts draco down because his marks were lower than hermione’s. draco is obviously put off, but he understands why–he’s a pureblood. he’s a malfoy. he’s supposed to be doing better than the muggleborns, because according to his father, they don’t deserve to attend hogwarts. later, he calls hermione a mudblood–again, where would he learn that type of language? definitely not the internet, because that didn’t exist. that takes us to his parents. 

now, the question probably is why wouldn’t draco see other non-racist people in school and change? because he didn’t hang out with other houses. slytherins are very isolated, and usually pitted against the rest of the school. draco’s friends, children of death eaters, were probably raised in the same way he was. if his parents taught him pureblood supremacy, and his friends’ parents taught them the same thing, why would he think to question it? 

draco malfoy was taught right from wrong, but those values just happened to be the opposite of what everyone else, like the weasleys, was taught. but just as the weasleys went in knowing that draco was wrong for believing in them, draco went in knowing that the weasleys were wrong for believing in theirs. 

in the third book, I think the whole buckbeak incident was realistic. if a child provokes a dog, and the dog bites it, the dog is the one that’s put down no matter what the child did. I’m not saying it’s “right”–I definitely thin draco 100% deserved to be punched by hermione–but it’s how the world currently works–maybe it will change later but for now, it’s reality. 

and as for the slytherins’ hatred towards hagrid–I’d say it was justified, because hagrid himself was no sweetheart to them. don’t get me wrong–I love hagrid, but he didn’t like the slytherins–you can see this when he talks about them in the first book. again, the books are from harry’s pov, so even if hagrid didn’t like the slytherins and said something about them, it would be biased. but yes, the slytherins often took it too far. 

the fourth book–draco’s bullying wasn’t even that bad. he actually warned hermione to get away at the world cup, in his own twisted way. he accidentally hit her with a curse meant for harry. he made “potter stinks” badges–juvenile things. 

now for the fifth. let me get this absolutely straight: I hate umbridge. I hate the inquistorial squad. I hate that the slytherins joined them. 

but we have to go back to slytherin inequality for this. the slytherins are booed at quidditch matches. the whole school, including most of the teachers and their headmaster, are against them. in fact, I could say that the only teacher that favoured the house was snape, and have canonical evidence. it’s basically the slytherins vs the rest of the school. 

now, comes along a lady that actually seems to favour slytherins. for the first time, they’re made to feel important. she wants to form a little group to catch their worst enemy in an illegal act. who would say no? 

but again–the golden trio was no less. they purposely excluded the slytherins from the DA. forget malfoy and his cronies. not EVERY slytherin would be devoted to umbridge/malfoy. but the trio didn’t invite ANY of them–and not all their parents were death eaters. 

now, put yourself in their place. imagine your school formed a club excluding your house. why would you protect them, instead of catching them? they had no reason to protect the DA, so they didn’t. 

in the sixth book–I think at this point, draco’s grown out of his blood prejudice and realised that it isn’t a game. his father, probably the person he expects the most to protect him is in azkaban. voldemort has his mum, and will kill her if he doesn’t murder the wizarding world’s most powerful wizard. but why did he continue his discrimination? 

do you really think that draco malfoy, bully and blood supremacist for five years, suddenly stopped bullying muggleborns, that word wouldn’t reach his house? his friends/housemates would tell their death eater parents, and somehow, it would reach his father, or worse–voldemort, who would just find it an excuse to kill his mum. 

but admittedly, he didn’t bully the trio that much that year, and I think he called hermione a mudbblood only once–at the top of the astronomy tower, when he was trying to kill dumbledore. 

also dumbledore KNEW that draco malfoy had been ordered to murder him. he knew who had been making those attempts the entire year. and then five minutes before the death eaters got them, he offered protection. draco was expected to make a life-changing, life-threatening decision in five minutes? when he didn’t even know whether he could trust the order? for all he knew, they could hold his family hostage to draw voldemort out. 

but even then, he began to lower his wand, but it was too late. 

IMHO, I think draco only referred to her as “mudblood granger” at that time as a last-ditch attempt to constrain to his father’s beliefs–which would be VERY advantageous to him at that point, because then he would be able to find a reason to murder dumbledore. but we all know he wasn’t able to do it. 

in the seventh book, he refuses to identify harry, even though it’s obvious he recognises him and his family could gain EVERYTHING–but that’s a flimsy redemption arc at best. he stands by while hermione’s being tortured, yes, but that’s because it’s bellatrix lestrange–probably the most feared death eater of all time. would you do anything? I think not. 

draco malfoy was brought up in a different way, having different beliefs ingrained into him. do you actually blame a child for doing what his father said, when the child should have been old enough to make his own choices? do you still blame that child for having been exposed to only one sort of right their whole lives, and having a biased opinion because they were never taught to see from a different perspective? and do you still blame that boy, despite everything he’s faced, that he never went through with it? 

people who say “draco had a choice and he made the wrong one” are just wrong. what kinda choice would they make if a genocidal maniac was sitting at their dinner table, holding their mum hostage, until they killed the president of their country? 

 to me, I think draco and ron were both very insecure people, though for different reasons, and just had different ways of showing it. ron cut people off when he thought they were going to succeed without him, and draco made comments about the other person’s insecurities, probably to make himself feel better. ron was insecure about harry’s fame, but since he was harry’s best friend, he just had to put up with it (until the 4th book). draco had no such obligations. 

and to say that draco malfoy isn’t redeemable, is saying that people who mess up when they’re kids, will remain that way for the rest of their lives. it’s sending a message to all young people out there telling them the consequences of making a mistake–no one will like them. 

I’m not “excusing” draco’s racism. he was a piece of shit, plain and simple. but I’d say 98% of that is because of the way he was brought up. 

also isn’t it the whole point that we want people to wake up and realise their mistakes? half of america would have LOVED for donald trump to get up one day and realise that he’s a racist misogynist. ofc it wouldn’t change the past, but it would change the future.

now, onto the dramione argument. 

first off, saying that hermione wouldn’t forgive draco for the past is going against every aspect of her character. she had a soft spot for kreacher, the house-elf that grew up in a racist household and was therefore racist and called her and ron “mudblood” and “blood traitor” (quite similar to draco, actually). she understood where he was coming from, and why he was the way he is, and ultimately didn’t care. after that, how can you say that she wouldn’t forgive draco for having beliefs and values ingrained into him from when he was a child? 

second, who is the real enemy in HP? yes, you could say voldemort, but it’s more about what he represents, which is prejudice. having draco, a former blood supremacist and the son and nephew of death eaters, getting together with hermione, a muggleborn girl, would show that he’s thrown his beliefs out of the window. it’s his character growth and how he matures through the war and its aftermath. 

putting draco and hermione together as kids without any change to their characters is toxic and abusive, no doubt about it. but that’s not what dramione is about.

even in hogwarts fics like isolation, what the room requires, and clean, the authors make sure that he repents. they make sure to explicitly write his character arc, and to show that he is no longer a bully or blood supremacist. 

hermione is NOT draco’s redemption, since canonically he shows signs of awakening, if not actual repentence. she’s the conclusion of his redemption. it’s officially showing the world and society that he is no longer a blood purist. 

dramione isn’t about crazy fans thinking it’s adorable for a bully and a victim to fall for each other.

dramione is about change. and if you believe that people can’t change, that’s on you.

———-

Edit:

I agree with most of the points you’ve made except for the second paragraph. The majority of Dramione fans do indeed ship Hermione with redeemed Draco, but there’s nothing wrong with reading fics in which their relationship is toxic (I do that every once in a while) because neither Hermione nor Draco is a real person and you can put them in all types of circumstances. They’re both fictional characters and thus can’t be hurt.

- AgnMag

[juliantaylor]

ᴊᴜʟɪᴀɴ ᴛᴀʏʟᴏʀ ; ɪɴᴛʀᴏᴅᴜᴄᴛɪᴏɴ

is that regé-jean page on campus? oh no, that’s julian taylor. from seattle, washington & new york, new york, the 24 year old has come to study law (juris doctorate graduate program). rumor has it he is charming and alluring, but manipulative and destructive, which is why he is known as the casanova. he resides in yorks and can’t wait to graduate.

although not explained in absolute depth, please note the following triggers: mentions of child abuse & neglect, mentions of eating disorders, illicit substance abuse

wanted connections | relationships | full navigation

statistics !

full name: julian taylor

birthday: november 5th, 1996 (24 years old)

sign: scorpio

height: 5’11”

ethnicity: english and zimbabwean

nationality: british

place of birth: london, england

places lived: moved to seattle, washington when he was 13; moved to new york, new york when he was 18.

accents: british 

sexual orientation: heterosexual

undergraduate degree: pre-law & political science from NYU

graduate degree (currently majoring in): law (juris doctorate program)

occupation: self-defense and boxing instructor at soulstice gym

positive traits: charming, ambitious, protective, likable, candid, spontaneous, outgoing, honest

negative traits: resentful, destructive, manipulative, possessive, guarded, blunt

pre-existing connections: arden (ex-girlfriend from high school), amber-jade (her former client from new york city)

backstory !

born in london, england to a well known lawyer and plastic surgeon…and being the old child, one would think julian had it all — but he didn’t. while a normal household was filled with love and joy, his was filled with success and wealth. and that’s all that mattered. there was no room for joy, as recognitions, honors, and awards came in for both parents like wildfire. julian was often left with a nanny, the closest thing he has to a true, loving mother. and when his nanny wasn’t around, he was alone.

he had spent most of his time watching karate kid over and over again, and mimicking the moves that were made throughout the movie…while breaking almost every piece of glass in his home during the process. because of this, and due to the recommendation of his nanny, his parents put him into his first of two sports. starting from the age of five, he found love in taekwondo — and taekwondo found love in him. he was a natural, but being in the sport that he loved cost him a price. his well being and confidence.

starting from the age of 8, his master thought it was time to start competing, and his father couldn’t have agreed more. but with this, julian quickly met the overly competitive, always on top and always winning father. and things quickly went downhill. for years, julian was pushed to his absolute limit by his father, training session after training session, practice after practice — all to be the best. because there was no room for love and joy in the taylor household, only room for wealth and success. julian was only allowed to bring home gold medals from competitions — that was what he had to do to get the love of his father, who actually would take time out of his busy schedule to come “support” him during competitions and practice. his mom was always too busy with her patients and practice to pay him any mind. and when he didn’t bring home the gold, even if it was silver, his life would be hell until the next competition. we’re talking about, hours upon hours at a time of training and conditioning, pushing julian until he was crouched over a toilet, throwing up from how overwhelmed his body was. extreme dieting, being given only sources of protein and vegetables, with the occasional whole grain and complex carbs. his father knew how to win, and he knew how to get julian there — and it was by pushing him to his absolute limit. because of this, julian doesn’t take losing well, and he will beat himself up hard just because that’s what he’s been conditioned to do.

this continued to go on for years and years, until his father and mother decided it was best to move to the states. his father’s firm and pro-bono services for those who aren’t privileged had gone international, and his mother was one of the best plastic surgeons in the world (all the ladies and men wanted her, and her only). so they brought their services to seattle, washington. julian was only 13 years old, and he was ripped away from the only mother figure he had.

julian had continued to do taekwondo up until his move to american, which is when he transitioned into boxing. and as per usual, he was a natural. and as per usual, there was no room for failure. his fathers obsession with his family being at the top always persisted, and so the unhealthy habits continued, forcefully.

you’ll thank me one day, son. when you’re out there traveling the world, receiving all those gold medals and being with the best of the best, you’ll thank me. you can make great britain and even america so proud, but only if you win.

julian quickly rose to the top, winning state, national, and even international competitions/fights. he was a force to be reckoned with. he was scouted by an olympic trainer, and began training for the 2016 olympics at the age of 16. he was making his father proud, so he thought.

he stood in seattle until his high school graduation, which is when he then moved to new york city in 2015. he was 18 years old. he mainly moved to new york to train with some of the best of the best. and after years of hard work, he found his way to the 2016 summer olympics in rio, in which he represented team usa. he was 19 years old. and he did what his father sent him to do — he won, and he won a lot. bringing home a gold medal in the heavyweight competition amongst other events, julian taylor became one of the best boxers in the world. there is no room for love and joy in the taylor household, only room for wealth and success.

as new york city was his home training spot, julian decided to go back there after the olympics was all said and done. and considering he was on top of the world, rolling in both the wealth that came from him and his father, he was able to distance himself from his parents. they still talk, but julian doesn’t allow them to control him anymore. instead, he controls and abuses himself now.

academic life !

like in his sports, julian always excelled in school. he didn’t really care much for school, but he was naturally damn good at it. because he couldn’t be anything less than great in everything. he always got perfect grades, and graduated as one of the top in his class in both high school and college.

considering that he took a million advanced placement and college courses in high school, he was ahead of the game. but still, he took about a year off from university in order to train for the olympics. he took two years off in order to enjoy his life and run wild, while also training, and didn’t decide to go back to school until he was 21. he started college in the fall of 2018. he graduated in 2020 with his undergraduate degree in pre-law and political science from NYU in just two short years, at the age of 23. during uni, he was able to balance training with school. he didn’t work a job, but instead two — school and training were his jobs. and he did them full time.

after taking yet another break, julian has decided to begin his juris doctorate, which is a three year graduate program. luckily enough for him (and arden (;), monarch has one of the best law programs in the country. however, this is only because he got into a car accident in late 2020, which resulted in him needing to get surgery on his shoulder in march of 2021. he was supposed to go to the 2020 summer olympics in tokyo this summer, but was forced to step down as he didn’t pass physical therapy and didn’t heal in time.

familial life !

while he’s obviously not close with either of his parents, he’s extremely close with his old nanny. she is basically his mother figure, and has took him in as her own family numerous times (despite her having her own children and life, she made sure that he got to feel some of the love her kids felt). after moving to the united states, he often would spend a month of his summer in england with her, and would go there for christmas every year. he still makes it a point to fly out and visit her as much as he possibly can, even during school and training.

personal life !

he’s a huge partier, and a huge ladies man. when he’s not training, he’s partying. but he doesn’t do the trashy bar/house parties, but instead he really love to spend his fathers money. you’ll catch him at some of the most beautiful, fancy, yet wild clubs around. the clubs that are typically for the rich, and nothing less. you’ll find him doing lines of coke on the bodies of strippers that he would soon take in the bathroom, car, or private room for a quick and easy fuck. you’ll find him drinking the finest of drinks, the most expensive of drinks.

he’s only ever had a total of two girlfriends, arden and another girl he met in new york that he just broke things off with. he doesn’t really take relationships seriously, and often times comes off as emotionless. there’s no room for love and joy, only wealth, success, and anger. he’ll take care of you physically and sexually, but don’t expect him to take care of you emotionally. he lives for the thrill and chase, though.

personality !

did someone say toxic men?!!!!! did someone say bad boy?!!!!!!

he’s fun, wild, spontaneous, and lord knows he knows how to have the best time…but he’s also dangerous.

he’s the one to break your best friends heart, in which you tell them to not go back and they agree with you because they know it’s wrong….just for them to go back days later.

he’s the one to get into fights with guys that even dare to look at his girl, but then be the one to steal someone else’s girl…even if he has one of his own.

he’s the one to literally curse you out if you even try to come at him sideways. a spitfire with absolutely no filter.

but!!!!! he’s very charming and knows how to talk his way around.

disclaimer: he can also be a good friend and a bit of a softie once you break down those vicious walls.

mental health !

as you probably have noticed by now, the man is extremely fucked up. he has developed the unhealthy habits his father forced upon him from a very young age, so he does suffer from some form of an eating disorder…but he has no recognized this. he’s a huge health bean (except for the liquor and drugs). catch him at the gym every day and not even bothering to look at a donut.

illicit substance use !

the man drinks, and he drinks a lot. he also smokes a lot, and does coke occasionally (and by this, we’re talking about every weekend). he has always passed his drug tests due to buying other people’s urine (major yikes). he’s used to getting away with everything now.