#even though everyone agrees it's a TBI | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

awlwren-writes · 1 year ago

Note

Thank you for indulging me!

Heartbreak for Amani, Fear for Maria, Guilt for Helen, Hide for Eliana, and Midnight for Alexander

Sorry this has been so delayed; I kept forgetting I had them here! -.- I'm adding backstory so people who don't memorize all my OCs (how did I get so many?) won't be hopelessly lost.

Amani is my OC who is married to Pelna. She was a glaive, retired from active duty to be home more so she could be a mom (possibly also got some sort of TBI that had her out of the game for a while, which was a happy coincidence).

heartbreak: Have they ever had a relationship that ended badly? Experienced some other kind of heartbreak? What happened?

Because this is the angst asks, you get the full angst. Some of my backstories have Amani, Pelna, and Nyx in a relationship when the boys just joined, and all three of them were glaives. This continued until Nyx's spiralling guilt about Selena, etc (exacerbated by the first kiddo being born, and then the twins being on the way) was causing him to take truly stupid risks with himself and push everyone away. The three of them loved each other, but Nyx really wasn't getting better and Amani didn't want to deal with the heartache when Nyx got himself killed in the near future and gave him an ultimatum - shape up or get out now, so the kids don't remember you enough to miss you.

Nyx chose sacrifice, to no one's real surprise, and left, crashed with Libertus for a while, maybe did something stupid enough he realized he really did need help and to straighten things out. He didn't completely heal the trauma, of course, (though he maybe added some new trauma, as a treat), but he managed to recognize it and gain some tools for dealing with it, at least. Eventually, he became friends with them again, and is still pretty close to the family, but never romantically again. And then he fell in love with Cor, of course. He still thinks of all three kids as somewhere in the nibling to stepkid range.

Amani maybe was a little heavy handed with this; Pelna had agreed to an intervention, but not the ultimatum. It allowed Pelna to not be the bad guy, though, and still be able to support Nyx in the aftermath, so he wasn't completely cut off. In hindsight, Amani realizes there were definitely better ways to have handled it, but stubbornly insists it was necessary and the wake-up call Nyx needed, and refuses to apologize for saving Nyx's life. Things are still a little frosty between them, but they build a new friendship, even if they never fully trust each other, they can still enjoy each other's company sincerely.

Even if Amani sees Nyx's face in their daughter's face, and all three kids' gestures, and sometimes imagines "what if".

Maria

Maria is a member of the Kingsglaive who joined in the same class as Nyx, Libertus, Luche, Pelna, and my OC Helen (her girlfriend). She ends up becoming a mage, but also does some training as a scout, and uses a spear.

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

Maria is most afraid of being powerless. Of watching people and places she loves slip away and not being able to do a thing about it. She tends to get angry when she has to face it -- the whole reason she became a glaive was to not have to sit by again, after all, and she hates that it still didn't fix the problem completely.

She doesn't talk about it to everyone, but is fairly obvious to those who know her and whom she loves. "Don't make me watch you die" is a phrase she pretends is a light tease, and sometimes lets be as grave as it deserves, but they all know what's behind it, anyway. She keeps her brother's memory alive, and that includes talking about his death, and so by the time they know each other enough for her to know how much them getting hurt guts her, they know why it hits her harder than most.

It was particularly cruel of Drautos, then, to send Helen to die on a mission Maria wasn't allowed to go on, but made her own death on the battlefield two months later less of a surprise to everyone she loved. Maria did go down defending the rest of her baby mages, who did survive that battle, so at least she had that.

Helen

Helen is a member of the same class as Maria and the boys, ends up specializing as a scout. She dies on a solo mission following Niff movements on Ravatogh, and her daggers are the ones you find there.

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

Helen tends to feel a lot of guilt, in general, being a rather responsible person, but the most persistent feeling of guilt she has is one that she knows doesn't really make sense -- she's guilty for being Insomnian. She didn't have the childhood stress of Niffs breathing down her neck (for the most part), she didn't have a tragic backstory to make her join the Glaive, her family is safe within the city, and she doesn't deal with the discrimination the majority of her friends feel.

She knows it's dumb, and it's not like she can change any of that, and logically she doesn't want to. But it does make her feel like an outsider sometimes. Generally she deals with her guilt by working harder to prevent a repeat of the action, or talking to people directly, but that feels wrong for this kind of guilt. So mostly she ignores it, suppresses it, and does her best to be the token Insomnian friend to help her friends get to places or cut through BS. Occasionally she ends up overstepping and white knighting for them, and then kicking herself for it later.

Eliana

Eliana was a member of the Royal Guard before it became the Kingsglaive, and has known Drautos since he joined (she's 5-10 years older than him). She delights in being a foul-mouthed hardass, and is one of the primary trainers of the rookie Glaives.

hide: What does your OC hide? Why do they hide it?

Eliana hides her trauma and how much it interferes in her life from everyone, but especially the baby glaives. Be cool, be funny, be tough, be an example of being the biggest, baddest bitch on the battlefield, and maybe she can whip them into shape well enough to survive longer. They just need to respect and fear her, after all, and then she can teach them efficiently.

Drautos knows, because it's the reason she's insisted on staying a trainer rather than being in the field. She still tries to hide it from him as much as she can because she doesn't trust him not to use it somehow. In her mind, he's spent too long in the political side of things without truly having to answer to anyone, and if she wants to be someone who can criticize him when he goes too far or not far enough, she has to be strong enough he can't fight back easily.

And she hides it from herself as much as she can. It doesn't fit her image of who she is.

Alexander

Alexander (it's his last name) is Cor's secretary. He's very good at his job, and very loyal to Cor. Many think he has a crush on Cor because he falls into gay stereotypes, but he just thinks Cor needs a minder.

midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping?

Alexander sees too much of Cor's workload to sleep well at night. He knows how badly things are going, and he does his best to do his part, but he knows everything that's happening is far far above his ability to change. He wonders sometimes if there is more that he could be doing, but he also knows his skills and limits and knows realistically this is the best he can do.

It's harder to accept that when he knows the doomsday clock is seconds from midnight, though, and all they are doing is delaying the end a little longer.

So when he gets too wound up about that, he goes and looks up ways to better take care of the plants that cover his apartment, or builds jigsaw puzzles. Things that he can do with his hands and see the fruit of. Sometimes even that's not enough, so he starts ordering food or distractions for the office and Cor, and blessing the ability to schedule emails for the morning.

Are you happy now? :P

#and get some answers #ask games #ffxv #garbria #speculative fiction #OCs #Amani Pherozes #Helen Anastasis #Maria Iterum #Alexander #Eliana #PelNyxMani #it's not always my backstory for them #but fairly common

2 notes · View notes

pebiejeebies · 1 year ago

Text

Pebie’s Fictkin Confusion.. (Cabby ii/iii)

Help a Pebie out!/nf 🤍

https://href.li/?https://inanimateinsanity.fandom.com/wiki/Cabby

This is where I got the info btw! Creds for them! ^^^^^^^^^

Now let’s DIVE IN!! <3

Her concept design showed her being colored "white" rather than periwinkle. �� OMGE— AGAIN WITH THE WHITE?! WOW.. WHITE TIGER, WHITE CABBY, WHITE SNOWY BIOME THAT MY THERIOTYPE LIVES IN, WHARTS NEXT?!—

Cabby has shown an impressively high attention to detail. Cabby is quite resourceful and seems to rely on her files primarily for references. Cabby is also very protective of her files, as seen in "The Shame of the Name", as she scolds Fan for stealing a file of hers, but claims she will happily give out information if asked 📏 THATS SO ME BUT IF THE FILES WERE MY IPAD/NOTEBOOK (the notebook Is for when I’m at school/somewhere I can’t take my iPad ^^)

This is most apparent in "Best Served Cold" when she tries to manipulate Test Tube into voting for Silver Spoon, but the plan backfires as Test Tube shares the files from her to her teammates, revealing that she writes down contestants' flaws, seemingly in an attempt to get them eliminated, which eventually causes her downfall and she is eliminated. 📏 Replace files with my iPad/notebook, and replace Fan with my siblings and parents.. I CANT. ITS MINE MINE MINE, ONLY MINE. (I am not that selfish… trusrts me ^u^”)

Cabby starts to overcompensate, trying to become more of a team player and get closer to her teammates by offering her files out more freely and bringing her former team together into a new alliance. 📏 A girl “BFF” that we trusted then suddenly got backstabbed, thrown away.. and after a very good friendship dynamic and how we were just so perfect together.. hmmm.. then has a whole new personality shift, much more social anxiety, worry, and guilt.. HMMMMMM…

It is revealed that Cabby has a form of short-term memory loss. She states that as soon as she writes something down, it's as good as gone. Cabby uses her files as an aid for her memories, due to not being able to remember things herself. This is apparently so extreme that in Spring on the Breakfast!, she admits that she cannot even remember her own parents and is clearly struggling and sweating in pain whenever she tries. 📏 In my case, it’s me over sharing my life, overdoing gifts and such, just genuinely being much more kinder and clingy.. worried about losing someone or something this important to me..

In the episode Spring On The Breakfast! when Bot asks Cabby what her parents were like, Cabby states that she doesn't really know. She tries to remember their faces but "it hurts a lot". 📏 NOW THIS. THIS SCREAMS ME. (EVEN THOUGH IDK IF I HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS) My memory has gotten worse and worse, (or at least that’s what I think) to the point I can’t even remember anyone’s faces! I can only recognize it, never imagine or remember it in my mind or head.. and while I try to remember anything that I’ve forgotten I do tend to get sweaty and exhausted, getting headaches and such..

Cabby is the second contestant to end with a "-y" suffix 📏 If nobody has noticed my names, mostly they end in a “Y” ish sound! Pebie, Xue (zui or zu), Kenzie, Harley (my old roblox username) LIKE HONESTLY..

So in conclusion.. does that make me a Cabby kin? Probably! I see way too many things that I relate to! Ever since cabby tried to befriend the contestants and FAILING MISERABLY, I was one of the few who really under why she did so, EVERYONE HATED HER FOR IT, and it made me so angry. It was as if.. you were saying that to me. And so I posted this comment in Pinterest a LONG WHILE AGOOO, When the episode of her being villianized came out!

And let’s speak abt the fact that the fandom all agreed on making her disabled cause of her wheels!

A while ago I started researching more about myself and realized I’m not audhd, I’m more ASD and TBI.. and both of these together could kind of count as a disability based on my research(?)

*I DO KNOW THAT SELF DIAGNOSIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG BUT PLEASE GO EASY ON ME, IM TRYING TO GET THERAPY, THANK YOU*

Some cute pics cause I love her sm/p

(TW: CURSE WORDS)

And.. Two sad relatable ones :(

What do you guys think? Am I really cabby?

(Little plus: There are random times my voice accidentally sounds like hers, and I oddly get like a burst of very great and awesome grammar while talking! + OKAY, SO SHE IS AN ESTJ, AND IM AN INFP.. AND WE ARE LITERALLY EXACT OPPOSITES W HA T)

2 notes · View notes

mcnstercus · 4 months ago

Text

" at times i am a mystery unto myself. "

is that mason gooding? no, that's just crawford " ford " topaz. they were born on jan. 20, 1996. they are a fairy ( ivy clan ) living in northknot town. they work as a barista at cool beans café. some say they are intelligent and comical, but i've heard others say they are sarcastic and stubborn. when you think of him, don't you think of brain scans, mathematical equations, & an elaborate prank?

crawford james topaz.

S T A T S

name: crawford james topaz / nickname(s): ford / birth date: jan. 20, 1996 (capricorn-aquarius cusp) / species: fairy (ivy clan) / gender: cis male (he/him) / sexuality: pansexual / birthplace: northknot / hometown: northknot / residence: northknot / biological parent(s): camila topaz & caspien topaz / sibling(s): wanted connection (older sibling) & caliphe topaz (younger sibling) / physical & mental illnesses: adhd, tremor caused by tbi / dominant hand: right / known languages: english / occupation: barista at cool beans café / faceclaim: mason gooding

B I O G R A P H Y

( trigger warnings: kidnapping, head injury, career ending injury )

ford grew up in a pretty loving home, son of two doctors and leaders of the ivy clan in northknot, albeit his earliest memories being of his parents fighting. things changed when caliphe came into everyone's life. they rallied together and it was like their family was complete with his little sibling.

things came crashing down though when caliphe was kidnapped. those three years that caliphe was gone felt like a ghost swept through the topaz home. camila and caspien became more strict with him and his older sibling, scared to lose another child, along with still trying to find his younger sibling, even when the authorities wanted to give up.

by some miracle, three years later, they found caliphe and she was brought back into the family. being six at the time, already learned the responses that came with all the fear that the family went through the past three years, adopting the over-protectiveness of caliphe like the others. ford couldn't even tell you of a time before this, the new normal so ingrained in him. to keep anything happening again, the kids were put into private schools and looked after constantly. ford could admit that as he got older, he hated parts of this. he never hated his sibling for this, but grew to resent the person who took her in the first place. ford tried his best not to talk about it, and when they found that caliphe forgot about it, he agreed with his parents plan to not tell her.

as ford got older, unlike other boys his age, instead of playing sports, he threw himself into school. while caliphe was the one with the eidetic memory, ford had an affinity for mathematics. he could solve equations far above his grade level since he was young. this helped him out immensely for his dream of becoming a neurosurgeon. ford eventually graduated from the private school, then university, and then eventually med school. but that's where it all went downhill.

in may of 2021, the week after his med school graduation, before his intern year for his surgery residency, he went on a trip for vacation with some friends he graduated with. the cliff jumping was meant to be in a safe area, where others jumped also. to this day, ford doesn't fully remember what happened. he remembers jumping and then unbelievable pain. he's been told that there was a lot of blood, and he nearly drowned, and no one knew what he had hit his head on.

after ford was rushed to the hospital, he was put into a medical coma due to the swelling from the severe tbi. he was in a coma for weeks, and when he woke, he wasn't quite the same as he once was. while frustrated with the tbi symptoms and the recovery, ford knew that this was just a hiccup, that maybe he'd recover and be able to start his residency.

after months and months of recovery and living with his parents, the long terms effects of his tbi began to show through. he was constantly irritable, experienced intense migraines that could take him out of commission for days, but the worst, were the hand tremors. that's when he was told that it would most likely never go away. his career as a surgeon was over before it even began.

in debt and jobless, ford got a job as a barista at cool beans cafe, attempting to leave that life behind him, but now he was left with a shell of himself, unsure of what his future looks like.

H E A D C A N O N S

ford has various tattoos.

albeit showing he's a cool, fun guy, he's hiding the pain of losing the chance to be a surgeon and misses working with brains.

C O N N E C T I O N S

caliphe topaz. younger sister. ford is pretty protective of caliphe, especially due to her kidnapping. it's hard for him not to be after growing up in a family where it happened, and being taught to protect her when she got home. since his injury, he grew exceptionally more close with caliphe than when they were growing up, and he wished he could tell her about the kidnapping when they were young, but he made a promise to his parents that it was better to keep it a secret.

maj araxie. ex-girlfriend. these two were in love. ford has always had a big heart, but often got in the way of his own feelings. this became apparent when ford had his accident. he felt so different and so lost, and as a result pushed maj away instead of letting her help him. this caused them to break up, but ford still harbors feelings for the other.

saskia berry. friend. ford enjoys the other girl, and she tends to check up on him medical wise. he is grateful for her being there as part of his team during his accident, even if she was still learning. he also really enjoys her in a relationship with his sister.

ivy fairies. clan. as part of the family who leads the ivy clan, ford is close with most of the ivy fairies.

L I N K S

all posts / ask memes / chats / musings / pinterest / playlist / self paras / wanted connections / visage

#crawford #intro:ford #nktintro

0 notes

operafloozy · 2 years ago

Text

This is wrong and coming off potentially horrible logic (if I'm on a trail or a protected roadway, I don't need to wear a helmet!). Which, no. That's not how it works.

For one, lets look at some numbers. These are taken from the CDC website*, mostly because I think we can all agree that America is a car-centric country, so these are going be on the higher end of having cycling accidents that relate to cars.

181 Cycling deaths happened because of TBI (traumatic brain injury) with no motor vehicle 196 Cycling deaths happened without a TBI and no motor vehicle. 477 Cycling Deaths happened because of a car crash and involved a TBI 753 Cycling deaths happened because of a car crash and did not involve a TBI

So, the majority of cycling deaths in the US involve a car, but majority of them also aren't going to be helped by a helmet. A higher percentage of crashes where helmets are involved don't involve cars. And while being involved in a car crash does make it more deadly, that also means that the percentage of cycling injuries that could involve a head or neck injury and no cars is going to be higher.

Cars are not needed to go over handlebars - the most common cause of an endo is braking too quickly or something catching the front tier at pavement level. I've done it before on a protected, well kept bikeway. (if you want, you can see it here ). There was a tiny crack in the asphalt and that's all it took. And for the record, everyone I know who has gone over their handlebars at one point or another (which is probably half of the cyclists I know) have done so without any car interference.

There's also this - from a study that was looking at neurotrauma: people who are in a bike accident with a head injury and car interference are four more times likely to have a neck injury, five more times likely to have a torso injury, and fourteen times more likely to have a pelvic injury than those with a head injury and no car interference.** The type of head trauma was worse with cars, but so was everything else. For real, if you're in a car crash, the car's not hitting you on your head first. It's probably doing the most damage to your torso or spine, and then any head injuries would be dependent on the car making you hit either their windshield or fly - which, most bike collisions are essentially T-boning the cyclist or hitting them in an angle, which means they're less likely to end up making the person go over the handlebars. So a helmet potentially does more in cases where a car isn't involved - since if you protect your head but don't protect the ribcage, it can still be fatal. Plus, helmets aren't really made for car crashes! Helmet manufacturers say this all the time.

So, having a helmet in a car crash is better than not, but also the risk of head trauma is far from zero. Having proper bike infrastructure would save lives - would prevent at least most of those 1,230 deaths. Proper bike infrastructure is good to have! But even considering that, helmets are also good to have, because there are those other 181 deaths, and there's no reason not to do both.

There's another part of this though - helmets make car crashes more likely. A study found that drivers acted more aggressively towards riders if the cyclists wore a helmet - increasing the likelihood that there would be a crash***. (this is also true for wearing cycling gear vs. just wearing street clothes). So is it safer to forgo the helmet so cars actually give you a reasonable amount of berth, or wear the helmet, increasing the chance that you'll be in an accident but potentially saving you anyway (if your other injuries don't kill you first)?

Honestly, I wear a helmet all the time when cycling, but mostly because of the fact that even if I'm cycling in traffic, I could easily go over the handlebars if I forget to swerve around a pothole.

'But I'm from a 'cycling country', everyone I know who rides a bike has never been in an accident and nobody ever goes over the handlebars! It must be that stupid Americans are just really prone to flying!'. Well, no. What it might have more to do with is the bike frame. If you're on a standard North American road or hybrid bike - with a drop handlebar - your weight is shifted further up, and the clearance to go over the handlebars is much lower. If you're on an upright bike, your seat is further back, which means in the chance. North American road bikes are also built for speed - the person I originally reblogged from (non-US) mentioned in the tags that they didn't think anybody on a bike was going above 15 mph (24kph). Which, I'm not in the best shape, typically biking with my work laptop, and gets passed all the time on bike trails, and that's what I go. Someone who is fit probably goes 18-20 (28-32 kph) easily, especially if they have a lightweight frame. And also, typically you're not dealing with bike traffic. More speed, thinner tires, dropped handlebars - all lead to it being more likely that any pavement irregularity or need to brake quickly is going to pitch you over the handlebars.

So if you're surrounded by a bunch of other commuters on a bike-only trail on an upright commuter and going 20 kph, do you need to wear a helmet? I mean, you do you. But like, pretending that only BMX riders and people riding in traffic are the only people who are going to have any injuries is a way to get people killed. Just wear a helmet - you can fix your hair later.

*https://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars/index.html if you're interested in having a fun dataset to play around with

**This study is from South Korea, which is sort of bike friendly? If anyone is wondering, the breakdown there was that the majority of accidents requiring a trip to see a neurosurgeon didn't involve cars, split 58% to 42%. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5702764/

*** https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30472528/

tbh the whole 'always wear a helmet when you ride a bicycle' thing is mostly pushed by car-centric governments both in response to, and to foster the idea of individual responsibility for, cyclist deaths - while those deaths are caused by a lack of bicycle infrastructure, and traffic laws that force cyclists to follow the same rules as cars. in countries where cycling is actually a common mode of transportation people rarely if ever wear helmets. in general, bicycle speeds are low enough that crashes don't really justify helmet use, unless you're being hit by a car

#deleting my earlier reblog #I just really care a lot about bike safety

171 notes · View notes

xanadontit · 2 years ago

Text

You can block the “holiday movie fun” tag if these are annoying, btw.

@legendofthehiddenbbc Suggested 12 Dates of Christmas and Mistletoe and Menorahs so I watched them on Hulu with commercials because that is my dedication to the cause! Also I lead a sad life.

12 Dates of Christmas stars Amy Smart with Mark-Paul Gosselaar as her love interest. Spoiler: he’s widowed. Seriously guys what the fuck. Anyway, Amy is hung up on her ex but agrees to a date with MPG after being set up by her stepmom (oh yeah, HER mom is also dead). On the way, she’s dosed by an over-zealous perfume counter girl, passes out, comes to, and goes about her day. The date sucks. Her ex has moved on. She falls asleep in her childhood bedroom but at the stroke of midnight she reawakens on the floor of the department store and is destined to keep re-living the day. Like Bill Murray, she takes advantage of the knowledge she has about the day to have some fun and unleash some frustrations. Somewhere in there she sorts out her issues with her ex, makes peace with her family, acts as a matchmaker for people around her, and gets with MPG.

This was super predictable which is what we need in these unprecedented times, but with the added bonus of taking place in a city! What? 5/5 Winter Coats for the comfort and the 2010s fashion realness.

Mistletoe and Menorahs might be an actual hate crime. The plot centers on Christy, a self-proclaimed Christmas fanatic and marketing/business lady with a douchebag bro boyfriend, who is asked to give a big pitch at her client’s holiday party on December 24th. Christy agrees happily, thinking she’s going to nail it. Her coworker/friend breaks the news that the client is Jewish - it’s a Hanukkah party! OH NO. Christy doesn’t know jack shit about Hanukkah or that Jewish people even exist! Don’t worry: coworker/friend has a solution in the form of her son’s Jewish teacher, Jonathan, who will be her Hanukkah tutor. In exchange, Christy will teach him about Christmas before he meets his goyfriend’s dad.

OK so this could be cute but mostly it feels like everyone in this movie has a TBI. Christy and the goyfriend (don’t get too attached to her) keep referring to the food and traditions as “random” (YIKES) and Jonathan acts like he has never seen a Christmas tree, nor has he ever wrapped a gift of any sort. Given how pervasive Christmas is I find it hard to believe he’s completely oblivious? If he is, then honestly good for him. Seriously.

The obvious happens when they ditch their crappy partners and Jonathan accompanies Christy to the big pitch/party which is basically a black-tie gala and not only does she nail the pitch (with a toy line of maccabee action figures no I am not joking) but she is asked to light the menorah and lead the group in prayer, which she does perfectly, of course. Side note: how pissed would you be if your spouse was like “hey I’m inviting a bunch of business associates to come to our family party and I’m letting some random lady take part in our cultural traditions and oh yeah we’re having a business meeting too” because I’d be outta there so fast.

Big twist though: in another room we find a Christmas Wonderland. The client’s wife is Christian! Their home includes all traditions! Again: nice sentiment but why is Christmas always the default? (I know why.)

0/5 Winter Coats for doing the whole “Hanukkah is Jewish Christmas” thing and terrible acting and pretending like loving Christmas is a personality.

#holiday movie fun

17 notes · View notes

spaceskam · 5 years ago

Text

for @insidious-intent ❤️️

ao3

“Are you stupid?”

“I mean... Are we going off definition or--”

“Guerin,” Maria said, giving him a very stern look that was definitely a product of her spending far too many hours with Isobel, “We talked about this. I thought you were finally gonna ask Alex out again.”

“I don’t think he likes me.”

Again with that look.

“You two have literally been in love for over a decade, of course he likes you,” Maria said. He knew he sounded a little childish, but he couldn’t help himself.

Alex had gone on a few dates with Forrest, but they’d agreed they worked better as friends (something Alex admitted after Michael kept asking, something to do with them just being too similar). But still. For all intents and purpose, Alex had moved on. In fact, he was with Forrest right now.

“Oh my God, I swear if your gonna do your whole ‘he moved on’ whine again, I’m going to kick you out,” she said.

“But he did!”

“Guerin, look me in the eyes,” she said, putting her hands on his shoulders and making him slump over a little so they’d be eye to eye, “You moved on first.”

“Yeah, but--”

“No. No buts. Go talk to him,” Maria insisted, spinning him around to face where Alex was talking to Forrest over drinks. She shoved his shoulders a little, forcing him to take a step forward.

Then he took another one.

And then he got a much better idea and took a sharp left.

It was one of Maria’s event nights--don’t ask him which one, her explanation had gone in one ear and out the other--and she had gotten a giant mechanical bull that everyone had been riding. Downing the acetone-filled flask, he made his way towards the bull. What better way to get Alex’s attention than to do something impressive like not get thrown off because he’s a telekinetic?

Michael’s gaze drifted back towards Alex. He was still smiling and laughing, but they locked eyes for just a few seconds and Michael’s smile got all soft and sweet. Alex was just always sweet. So, so sweet. Michael had to impress him.

He swaggered up to the man running the mechanical bull and, within a few seconds, found himself the center of attention of most of the attendants in the bar. Alex was watching him with raised eyebrows and, well, Michael didn’t even look over at Maria because he knew she’d be judging him for not going to talk to Alex about his feelings.

The rock of the bull started slowly and harmless and Michael was absolutely sure it’d be a piece of cake. Even as it got a little faster and wilder and he had to use a little bit of TK to keep himself upright, it was fine.

But, apparently, it was a little too easy for his telekinesis to get a little off base.

The bull rocked sharply to the opposite side of what Michael was expecting and he was thrown from it with all the extra force his brain employed, landing straight on his shoulder and head a few feet away from the mat. People around gasped, all probably wondering how the hell he got thrown so far, but Michael was already preparing his speech to Maria for making it seem like a safety hazard.

“Are you okay?” that unfairly sweet voice asked, gently rolling Michael onto his back. His mind slowly cleared just enough to recognize Alex looming over him with concern etched on his face. Despite the pain shooting through him, he smiled. Alex still cared about him. Score. “I think you dislocated your shoulder.”

“I’m fine,” Michael said, still grinning. Alex rolled his eyes, his hand pressing to Michael’s face before gently prying his eyes open. Michael smiled wider.

“No, you’re not fine, you hit your head and your pupils are blown. Are you high or should I treat this as a concussion?”

“High on you, baby.”

“Concussion.”

Slowly, Alex helped him sit up and it became really hard to ignore how bad his shoulder hurt despite Alex being gorgeous as hell and right in front of him.

“Yeah, definitely dislocated,” Alex confirmed as he ran his hands over it carefully. Michael felt a little more than dazed at the effortless contact. “You wanna go somewhere private to pop it back into place in case you scream?”

Michael let a cocky smile find his face. “You wanna take me somewhere private to make me scream?”

Except then Alex just popped it back into place right there with no warning and Michael all but doubled over after his not-so-quiet gasp, his head hitting Alex’s shoulder as he tried to deal with the pain. It took a few seconds before it was tolerable, still sore but he could handle it. A few deep breaths later, he lifted his head and made eye contact with Alex who seemed far too amused.

“Are you good?” Alex asked. Despite the fact that his head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and he was slightly nauseous, Alex looked way too pretty to say he wasn’t good, so he nodded slowly. “Okay, let’s get off the floor and I’ll drive you home.”

“Wait, Alex,” Michael said, trying to meet his eyes but it was hard when he was dizzy, “Wait.”

“What?” Alex wondered. After trying and failing to maintain eye contact, Michael just came right out and said it.

“I’m still in love with you.”

Alex huffed a soft laugh, “Yeah, I know.”

“Wait, what?”

“C’mon, let me drive you home.”

It took longer than it should’ve as they both leaned on each other to try to find their footing, but they eventually did and headed out of the bar and towards his car. Alex dumped him into the passenger seat before climbing into the driver’s side. Instead of immediately driving off, he turned the dome light on and leaned over to take Michael’s face in his hands. There was nothing romantic about it, sadly, as Alex just double-checked his pupils in better lighting.

“Yeah, I really think you have a mild concussion. Do you want to stay the night with me? It would make me feel better if you did,” Alex said. Michael grinned openly.

“Yeah, I wanna stay the night with you,” Michael said. Alex rolled his eyes, his hands slipping off his face. “Also how did you know I still love you?”

“Michael,” Alex said sweetly, leaning over the center console, “I love you too.”

Michael smiled even wider his whole body feeling euphoric despite the fact that he was absolutely in pain still. He tilted his head a little, so tempted to just go in for a kiss even though he was too dizzy for effective aim.

“Wanna go on a date?” he asked. Alex snorted.

“I want to make sure you don’t have a full-fledged TBI from flinging yourself onto a concrete floor like a moron, so let me do that and we’ll talk after,” Alex told him.

“Can I have cuddles at least?”

“Not until I’m sure you don’t have a concussion because I don’t want you to fall asleep if you do,” Alex continued. Michael pouted, shifting in his seat.

“So not fair. I finally tell you I love you and can’t even do anything about it.”

“And who’s fault is that? Could it be the person who blatantly used his TK in public? Caught that, by the way,” Alex pointed out. Michael just whined in response. Clearly he should’ve been just a little more logical.

But, still, it didn’t stop Alex from holding his hand on the drive home and squeezing it every time he thought he was falling asleep. So maybe it was worth it.

#malex #malex fic #michael guerin #alex manes #roswell new mexico #my fic #if this doesn't happen in season 3 i'm committing arson #and by arson i mean i burn down nothing because i'm anxious #arson in theory

136 notes · View notes

something-tofightfor · 5 years ago

Text

He’s Not Here - Epilogue

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Word Count: 6437

Rating: M (language and violence, talk of murder and death)

Parts 1-24 + the interludes and NSFW alphabet can be found on my Masterlist (link in bio)

Summary: Billy’s awake, but what are the next steps... and are you ready to take them?

Author’s Note: I want to get emotional about this because it’s the last chapter, and this story has been a labor of love from the moment I started it until now. But if you know me, you know how much this story means to me. You know how much work I’ve put into it, and you know that I refused to compromise on it. @its-my-little-dumpster-fire has been there with me day one, and was the ONLY one that knew how it was going to end for a while. I thank her endlessly for her support, for her agreeing that it made sense to do what I did with it, and for encouraging me throughout the writing of this. Thank you for all of your comments and messages. Thank you for reading. Thank you for taking the time to fall for this Billy with Reader. Thank you for not abandoning this story even though it’s taken a million years to tell it. Good things come to those who wait, and I’m positive that this isn’t the ending you expect - but it’s the one that Billy deserves.

Banner by @the-blind-assassin-12

You were curled up in your favorite armchair, knees drawn up to your chest as one hand toyed with the thin chain around your neck, fingers closing around Billy’s dog tag as it had plenty of times over the previous months. Matt was sitting on the couch, Foggy at the dining room table, fingers wrapped around his phone. “They’re here.” The blonde man tucked his phone back into his pocket, breaking the silence. “Karen just -“ I don’t want to do this.

“Hey.” Matt moved, leaning forward and placing a hand on your knee. “It’s going to be alright.” You turned your head toward him, eyes moving over his face - glasses and all. So weird how he just knows. He tightened his fingers on your knee, clearing his throat. “You’ve gotta calm down, though, this isn’t going to help anyone.” You took a deep breath, nodding even though you knew he couldn’t see it. “I’m right here, he won’t -“

“I’m not afraid of Frank Castle.” You sat up straight, letting your feet fall back to the floor. “I have no reason to be.” But I do. “I…” You trailed off, thinking. You’d seen what Frank had done to Billy - what he’d done to Rawlins and Schoonover and even Wolf. You knew what lengths he’d go to to avenge his family, and yet you weren’t afraid of him, not in the slightest. He’ll understand. He has to. A knock at the door startled you, and you watched Foggy move to answer it, heart rate quickening again. Here we go.

---

After the day that Billy had woken up, Matt or Foggy or Karen had visited with him every day, working with him. While Billy didn’t remember much of anything from the previous deployment or the time after he’d come home, all three of them told you that he remembered basics - his name, his upbringing, his struggles. He remembered Frank and the Castles, remembered being in the Marines… but when it came to you, Billy was tight-lipped. He said he didn’t remember any lasting relationships, didn’t remember anyone aside from Frank and Curtis and the Castles that had been constants in his life. Things stayed that way for weeks, and though you were told that Billy was getting stronger - could see his face filling out as he returned to solid foods, had heard his physical therapist talking as he’d left the room on multiple days - you knew that he still had a long way to go.

“He’s asking for Frank.” Karen was sitting on your couch, holding a coffee mug between her hands. “We’ve been telling him that he’s out of the city, that he can’t come see him yet, and Billy’s so… frustrated with himself that he’s not questioning it.” You frowned, and even though you still went to the hospital often, Billy would keep his face turned away from the window once he’d seen you standing there, often asking Matt or Karen or Foggy to close the blinds with a vague wave of his hand, which hurt you. “He just wants to remember, but he can’t remember everything, and his doctors still day that we can’t… we can’t just bombard him with the memories we have, with the things that we know all at once.”

“Even if it will help him?” She nodded. “That seems counterproductive, Karen.” She shrugged her shoulders, shaking her head.

“I’m a lot of things, but a doctor isn’t one of them.” You laughed. “And he’s making progress, so I guess I can’t really question it, but Dr. Dumont says -” You wrinkled your nose at the mention of the woman’s name - and you knew that Karen caught it, but she continued. “She says that for a lot of people with a TBI, either nothing will come back or things will come back all at once.” Karen stared at you. “We want to make sure that when Billy knows what happened to him, when he remembers, that it’s not … too much.” Probably a good idea. “She’s working on memories with him, a little more each day, but he doesn’t trust her yet, and he needs to before he can really… remember.”

“Why?” The woman had rubbed you the wrong way when you’d met her for the first time, and you wanted to know what Karen’s take on her was. “He needs to trust someone. Do you think that…”

“Look.” Karen set the mug down, leaning in. “She’s… Billy…” Karen chewed on her thumbnail, blinking. “Before you, Billy didn’t really trust anyone except for Frank, right?” You nodded. “So, he’s confused right now, and because he feels like everyone’s keeping things from him - which we are, he’s going to question any help that he’s offered, even if it comes from someone like her, that’s just doing her job. Sure. “I think that Billy knows that she knows what happened with him, who did this to him, and even though that can’t be the focus right away, he wants it to be, so he feels like she’s…”

“She’s steering him in the wrong direction.” Karen nodded. “She asked me so many questions when we talked, I just got this… feeling from her, like that fake smile is just…” Karen nodded, rolling her eyes. “I had to fill in so much for her without contradicting what Madani is saying, what the police think, what the reports say… without telling her what we know… it was like she was looking for the weak spots in what Billy and I had, like she thought I was making it all up, just to…

“You’re not. And you know you’re not, so… don’t let it bother you.” You nodded. “We need her. She might be able to help Billy organize the memories, which he needs.” You went silent, thinking of the way that the dark haired woman had stared at you, the look in her eyes a mix between contempt and pity. She gets to be in there with him, and… and I… “He’ll figure it out. It might take him a while, but… he’ll figure it out.” Karen cleared her throat. “I wanted to talk to you about something, something that Matt and I…” You tilted your head to the side, waiting. “We… we want to bring Frank back here, to New York.” What? “He’s going to need to know what’s going on, and I’m sure Madani’s already told him Billy’s awake, but I think… I think that memory coming back will…” She pressed her lips together. “I think it will bring a lot of other things back, too.”

---

Keeping your eyes on the floor in front of you, you waited until the door opened and you heard new voices - first Karen’s and then Frank’s - to look up. Karen stepped into the room after Frank did, her hair loose around her shoulders and a light colored sleeveless dress floating around her legs, which was a stark contrast to the almost all black outfit Frank wore, ball cap pulled low over his brow. “Why am I here?” His gravelly voice loud but even, Frank finally made eye contact with you. “Why are we all here?”

“Frank, we need you to…” Karen reached out, touching Frank’s shoulder gently, the man looking back at her. “You’ll understand soon.”

“What’s Red doin’ here?” You watched Frank step toward Matt, the second man smiling easily as he stood, extending a hand. “Thought you’d be-“

“Hello, Frank.” Matt gestured to the couch, still smiling. “Sit down for a minute, please.” Frowning, Frank did as he was asked, Karen taking a seat next to him - and, you noticed, angling herself so that their knees were touching. Good. “We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for weeks, Frank.” Matt moved to stand behind the chair you were in, his hands resting on the back. “We needed you here t-“

“Only reason you’d need me here is somethin’ to do with Bill, and Madani says-“

“Madani doesn’t know shit, Frank.” Karen spoke first, shaking her head. “She’s so concerned with her own narrative that the truth doesn’t seem to matter much.”

“Truth?” Frank turned his head to look at the woman next to him, eyes glinting. “Truth is that piece of shit is still breathing when he shouldn’t be, and is pretending not to remember anything about what he did and why he’s-“ Matt sighed.

“He really doesn’t remember, Frank.” You looked up, watching as Matt’s jaw clenched for a moment. “I didn’t quite believe it at first either, but when I talked to him? You can fool someone with body language and expressions, Frank. But not… not the things inside, the things I can… Billy’s telling the truth when it comes to losing his memory. He remembers flashes, small things, little details.” Me. He remembers me. The room was silent for a minute, giving you time to think, to watch Frank.

“Why are you talkin’ to Bill? He’s in the hospital, still doin’ therapy, they’re tryin’ to get him ready to go on trial.” She didn’t tell him, Madani didn’t...

“They’re Billy’s lawyers, Frank.” Karen’s quiet voice filled the room, her attention entirely on the man beside her. “He’s going to go to trial, but it’s not what you think.” She reached out, taking his hand in hers, and despite the tension in the room, you felt yourself smiling at the way he unconsciously curled his fingers against the back of her hand, eyes darting to her fingers and then her face. “That’s why you’re here, Frank, because…”

“Because we need you. Because… Billy needs you.” You finally spoke, and though you’d played the moment over in your mind countless times, your words came out shaky. “Billy needs you to help him prove that-“

“I’m not doin’ shit for Bill, except maybe finishin’ what I started last year.” Frank was staring at you, eyes full of pain and anger. “That son of a bitch needs to remember what he did, and if he doesn’t, then he shouldn’t get to live.” No. You waited a moment to speak, thinking of Billy’s face through the bandages in the first few weeks, the bruises on his body, the lines across his face after the gauze had been removed, the way his eyes had still lit up in recognition - even slightly - the first time he’d been awake to see you, the way he’d tried to talk to you without letting anyone else know it the day he’d asked for you. No, Frank. He gets to live. “Now will you fuckin’ tell me why I’m here?”

“Frank.” You spoke again, voice stronger. “You’re not going to kill Billy. You’re not going to hurt him again.”

“He left you.” Frank leaned forward, shaking his head and licking his lips. “He left you for money and power and other women.” He did. “He killed my family, and you’re telling me that I’m not going to hurt him again? He deserves it. Every bit of pain and confusion and-”

“No, Frank.” You squared your shoulders. “You’re wrong.” Frank laughed out loud, an incredulous smile on his face. “You’re laughing, but you won’t be after you see what we have to show you.” He shook his head again.

“Show me? What are you going to show me? Let’s go, Karen. This is bullshit, and I don’t know why you brought me here.” Frank stood, looking down at the woman, who simply stared up at him, shaking her head. “What?”

“You need to sit, Frank.” She tugged on his hand. “I’m serious. This isn’t just about you and your family, Frank. It’s…” She wet her lips. “It’s more than that, and I didn’t believe it at first either, but there’s too much proof, Frank. Too much for it to be coincidence, too much… Matt and Foggy, we ...” Frank sat again, looking between the four of you. Good. He’s sitting. But then Frank spoke again, quietly.

“Matt, eh? He’s Matt again, Karen? And he’s workin’ as Bill’s lawyer? That what you did, Karen? Soon as I was outta here, you ran back to -” Frank’s voice was angry, but you also heard the hurt in his words, felt the betrayal that he assumed of Karen. It’s not like that, Frank. Come on.

“Frank.” Matt’s voice was low, tinged with anger. “You don’t know… That isn’t what…” But Frank shook his head, lips curled up in a snarl.

“This another thing like when you decided to represent me, Murdock? When you wanted to see the good in me, make people believe that I wasn’t a bad guy?” Frank’s lip curled. “Well I was. And I am. And so’s Bill. He’s the worst kind of guy there is, doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself or…” Frank trailed off, shaking his head. “You aren’t gonna get him off for this, Red. He deserves to be right where I put him, right where Madani put him - right where he put himself.” You don’t know, Frank, you don’t…

Karen said your name, drawing your attention back to her and ignoring Frank��s tirade. “Where’s the laptop?” Foggy moved first, carrying the computer into the living room and setting it down in front of Frank wordlessly.

No one moved until you felt Matt nudge you on the shoulder. Here goes nothing. “Frank.” You sighed, feeling tears in your eyes. “Billy did all of the things… most of the things you say he did.” Swallowing, you met Frank’s eyes, “The drugs and the dirty money, yeah. But they preyed on him - on his desperation, on his… need for success. Cerberus - “

“How do you know that name?” Frank leaned forward, lip curling again. “There are only four people alive ‘sides me that should know that name, and you’re not one of ‘em.”

“I know it because Billy told me, Frank.” You tapped the computer. “He told me everything.” You swallowed again, staring directly into Frank’s eyes. “He knew… things couldn’t last forever, and wanted there to be a… record, I guess?” Frank looked confused, but you continued. “Billy didn’t… Billy didn’t just betray you and your family for money, Frank. That was part of it, sure, because he needed it to start Anvil, and he was desperate and already in too deep, but he…” Matt’s hand moved from the back of the chair to your shoulder, anchoring you. “He did it to save my life.”

---

Frank watched the first video silently, eyes on the screen, on Billy’s tear streaked face. He watched as Billy admitted what he’d chosen, what Rawlins had demanded of him. He’s paying attention. The video filmed the day that the Castles had been murdered got a vocal response from Frank, a loud groan followed by a long, low whine that left the man’s throat unconsciously. I get it, Frank. The video had been painful for you to watch, because in it, Billy wasn’t only distraught, he was angry too. He apologized countless times - to you, to Maria and the kids, to Frank… each time, the sincerity in his voice became more and more apparent, the look in his eyes less and less like Billy and more like the man you’d watched on the news and in the papers in the year following the tragedy. The video started with Billy’s eyes full of tears, the liquid leaking out of the corners of them and down his face, but it ended with him seething in anger, vowing to get back at Rawlins, to make him pay for taking away the only family Billy had ever had - some of the only people he’d ever truly loved.

The videos - there were more than a dozen of them, recorded over the course of that year - were of varied lengths. Some were only a few seconds long, Billy reciting a password or explaining a document or a picture, but others were minutes long, where he poured out the stress and frustration of his days, not knowing whether or not anyone would ever hear the words.

You skipped over the video that Billy had recorded after New Year’s Eve, telling Frank that that one was personal, moving ahead and letting him go through the others, clicking open the documents that he’d also saved onto the laptop. “Everything’s here, Frank.” Foggy spoke quietly, a thick file held in his hands. “We’ve got enough information to prove that Billy was a pawn, and that the story that got concocted afterward is a load of crap. Yeah, he did a lot of bad things, and he made some really terrible choices, but once he was mixed up in Cerberus, he had no other option. Schoonover and Rawlins made it that way… and it would have been the same for you if they hadn’t -”

“I’d never kill a woman or children like he did.” Frank’s voice was angry. “Never.” He looked at Karen. “You believe this shit? You know Bill, you know it’s all lies, and -”

“It’s not, Frank. We’ve looked into it. The information he left us has merit.” Karen shook her head, hair moving over her shoulders. “The discharge papers that Billy has aren’t the ones that were released, or that the prosecution will be using. The money transfers aren’t the same. They don’t line up. Nothing does - this story that Madani and Marion James and Rafi Hernandez are telling about Billy and Lewis Wilson? It’s paper thin. Billy used the money they gave him to open Anvil, but once that was done, he did nearly everything except the drugs by the book - until the last couple of months, Frank. He did things under the table too, but that was because he had to. We followed the money. It checks out. Anvil itself was a legitimate business except for the… he just needed to get there.” He muttered the words ‘it doesn’t matter’ under his breath, but Karen continued. “It does matter, Frank. Because Billy -”

“Billy did what he had to do to survive, Frank. Same as you.” You finally spoke again, feeling the anger coursing through your veins. “He got in over his head and couldn’t get out because he had no one after you chose not to transfer with him.” You leaned in, narrowing your eyes. “He couldn’t let them kill someone innocent because of what the two of you did for Rawlins, and so he decided…”

“Why did you get to live?” Frank’s eyes were on you, but his voice was ice cold. “You get to live and my little girl didn’t? My wife is in the ground, and you’re still here, walkin’ around and defending the piece of shit that put her there?” Frank pushed to his feet, towering over you. “Why do you get to fuckin’ live and they didn’t? My family didn’t? And you tell me that I need to understand why he did it, understand where he was coming from? A couple of goddamn videos are supposed to...” Unblinking, you stared up at him for a moment before you stood, too. No.

“I got to live, Frank, because Billy loved me.” Loves me? Maybe? Still? You felt yourself getting ready to cry again, but you stood your ground, even though you could feel Frank’s breath on your face. “He didn’t know about the kids. He didn’t know that they’d… you heard him, Frank. He thought they were just going after you, and if that was the case, you’d have a chance, even if you were caught off guard. You know that’s true, Frank.” You took a breath. “You got your revenge on him. You hurt him. You almost killed him. But he was sorry before that even happened - he never wanted anything to happen to you … to any of you.” You gestured to the computer that was sitting on your coffee table. “You saw it. You heard it. There’s more to see, more to go though, more to… I’m not asking you to forgive him, not right away.” You shook your head, eyes still on Frank’s face. “But he needs you, Frank. He can’t remember without… you here. He just remembers the skull, remembers the fight, remembers…” You were crying, the tears silently rolling down your face. “He’s stuck back in that period before you went to Afghanistan. He remembers how he felt about you and your family right then, but…everything else is scrambled.”

“You want me to help him? Want me to tell him that I fuckin’ destroyed his face because he killed my family, but it’s fine because I want to help him and make sure the right people pay?” Frank shook his head. “You think he’ll be good with that? Think he’ll accept that he was like my brother and he killed my family so I almost killed him like I killed everyone else that had anything to do with this? I took away his looks and his power and his reputation?” Frank’s head moved again. “No.” You felt your heart drop, and Frank leaned in. “Not gonna happen. Not now, not ever. I’m gonna tell Madani -”

“No, you’re not.” Matt’s voice filled the room, quiet but sure. “You can’t tell her anything, Frank. We need to build his case, and it’s dependant on her not having any access to him anymore, her not knowing what we’re doing with him. She and the prosecutor can’t… they can’t know. Not yet” Frank’s eyes darted over your shoulder to Matt, nostrils flaring. “There’s enough information here to prove that Billy’s not innocent, but that he acted on orders to begin with, and that… well, there’s enough to totally expose Rawlins and Wolf and now Madani and James and to make it so that -”

“You think you can win this? You think that you can come out on top?” Frank pointed toward the door, head shaking back and forth. “We tried. We tried to get out, tried to fuckin’ end it. We couldn’t say no to Rawlins or to Schoonover. We couldn’t get anything past them. They owned us.” Frank sniffed, closing his eyes for a moment. “You think they didn’t cover their asses when they made this story up about Lewis and Billy? Madani’s untouchable. The CIA is -”

“Not untouchable, Frank. Not with all of this information.” Foggy lifted a finger. “Which we all obtained legally, I might add. Billy was very thorough with records and -”

“It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference, because I’m not helping you.” Frank looked at you again, sadness replacing the anger in his eyes for a split second. “You think I’m gonna help you so that you can get your happily ever after with Bill Russo? You don't get that.” There’s no happily ever after, Frank. Not now. “My wife didn’t get to live. My kids had no future. Why? Because Bill fuckin’ Russo let them die!” The last three words came out in a roar, and Frank lunged toward you, reaching for your arm. You dodged him, but Matt was faster, using his surprising strength to push Frank away from you. “He shouldn’t be alive. I should have killed him last year. How can you even look at me right now, how can you say their names, or ask me to help you or help him, or -”

You spoke again, the tears still falling as you stepped toward the two men; Matt with his feet planted, arms locked around Frank’s waist. “Frank, I… you have no idea how hard it is for me to… to know that I’m the reason…” You shook your head, using one hand to wipe the tears away. “That he didn’t come to you and warn you because of me.” It was the first time you’d said it out loud since you’d told Karen, and the weight of the admission made your knees weak. They died because of me. “They’re your family, Frank. Billy was your family. And he picked…” You shook your head, still moving closer, one hand on Matt’s back. “It’s alright, Matt. He won’t hurt me.” But part of me wants him to. Frank hitting you or crushing your arm in his grip wouldn’t help, but it would feel a little like making amends - like you were finally paying for your part in the whole situation. Matt stepped away from Frank, warning him in a low tone to keep his hands to himself, and Frank nodded once, head lowered. “Maria and Frank Jr. and Lisa should still be here. And they would be if he’d come to you like he should have.” You swallowed, reaching for one of Frank’s hands. “He said he loved me, Frank. But I never thought he’d choose me over you guys. I’m sorry he did. I’m sorry about it every day, because it shouldn’t have...”

“Well he did, and I’m sorry about that too.” Frank let you take his hand, and you watched him duck his head further, eyes on the ground. “Bill saved your life and destroyed mine.” He did. “Who would… I can’t believe that the first time Russo decides he loves someone more than he loves himself, this is what happens.” You laughed weakly, still crying, and waited until Frank’s gaze met yours. “You really believe this shit… believe… him?” You nodded - just once - lips pressed together.

“He made it a point to get this stuff to me, Frank. He thought… you were going to kill him, or he was going to kill you, or you’d both... but he wanted me to know, even though it probably wouldn’t matter.” You stepped closer, squeezing Frank’s hand. “But he’s alive, and you’re alive, and it does matter.” You swallowed. “Madani might be untouchable. There’s still a lot to consider… but he’s alive, Frank. And we can help him. You can help him. He didn’t do any of this because he wanted to, and now he doesn’t remember… but he will. The more information he has - the more confirmation… it can help the memories come back.” It can bring Billy back to me. “It won’t bring them back, Frank. But… if this goes how we hope it will, it might stop things like this from happening to other families, and give you...” Peace of mind?

Frank didn’t move or speak, but he watched you intently. Swallowing, Frank looked around the room, jaw working beneath the thin layer of stubble. “It’s not your fault.” You felt your breath leave your body in a single exhale, crumpling into Frank’s chest as his arms went around you, forehead dropping to your shoulder. “You didn’t ask for any of this, it’s not on you.” You started crying again, feeling his grip change, and moved to hug him tightly, feeling him take deep breaths. This is good. When you pulled apart, Frank’s mouth was set in a thin line, his eyes on Karen. “We need to get in touch with David.”

Glancing over your shoulder, you watched the woman nod. “We didn’t know if you’d want us to, Frank. Not before you came back, so…” She shrugged.

“I want him to look at all of this. He’ll be able to tell if it’s real and when it’s from and…” Karen nodded, Frank looking back at you. “What do I need to do?” You opened your mouth, but Matt spoke first.

“We haven’t shown Billy any of this yet, or told him that we’ve got it. We just took over his case from the shitty public defender they assigned him, since as far as they know, he’s got no money.” Matt gestured toward you. “She’s footing the bill, but they don’t need to know that, not yet. We wanted to wait until we knew if you’d help or not before we decided exactly what we were going to do, what our strategy would be… but the first thing is going to be getting you into the hospital to see him.” Frank nodded, jaw still clenched. “Foggy and I will be with you, of course, but…” He trailed off. “The next thing is going to be getting her in there.” Frank’s eyes widened.

“You haven’t seen him yet?” You lowered your head, whispering the word “no”. “You want me to do this and you haven’t even talked -”

“He won’t let me, Frank.” You swallowed. “I saw him once with Madani, right after you came to tell me where he was. He didn’t even know I was there.” You sighed. “And he asked for me by name once, too, after he woke up, and so they let me in, but it wasn’t… Matt was in the room, and so was his therapist, and when Billy saw me…” You closed your eyes at the memory. “He acted like he didn’t know me aside from my name. Told me to leave, told me to…” You took a deep breath. “But he knew who I was, he just didn’t want to…” You were sure of this; his phrasing and movements had been too precise, too specific to mean anything else.

---

“He asked for you by name.” You were sitting in a small office with Matt and Dr. Dumont, the dark haired woman across the desk from you, her hands folded on the surface of it. “We were doing our session today, and William said that he remembered something.” She studied you, brow furrowed. “He said your name - first and last - and asked if you were the one that was waiting out in the hallway.” She waited for your reaction and because you were stunned, you gave her one, your eyes going wide and a hand going up to your mouth. “I’d like to have you in the room with me the next time I go in. I didn’t confirm anything for him, but since he asked…” She smiled, the expression not reaching her eyes. “I want to do whatever I can to help him.” Sure you do.

But you’d agreed, the three of you walking down the hallway from her office to Billy’s room, past Madani, who was pacing in the hallway. Dumont warned you that Billy got agitated easily, that he often lashed out at her - at the doctors and even at the lawyers, something that Matt confirmed with a quiet chuckle. “From what I know of Billy from before, there’s still a lot of him in there, even if he doesn’t realize it yet.”

It gave you hope, and as Krista pushed the door open, you took a deep breath, wishing that you’d had time to go home from work and change. It doesn’t matter. Billy was restrained in the bed, arms and legs strapped down, and you frowned as you saw that he was wearing a mask over his face, the smooth white surface obscuring his features totally - except for his eyes. “I brought you a visitor today, William.” Krista stepped next to him on the bed and you hung back, feeling Matt’s hand at your elbow.

“His heart rate changed when you walked in.” Matt leaned forward to whisper into your ear. “It’s racing.” You swallowed, staring at Billy, and then your eyes moved to the doctor, hearing that the woman was speaking but not listening to the words before they fell back on Billy’s form, laying flat on his back in the bed. I loved you too much.

“Billy?” Your voice quiet, you stepped forward, and at the sound of it, Billy looked away from Dr. Dumont, focusing his gaze on you. “It’s good to see your eyes open, the last time I was in here, they were…” You smiled at him - a real one - and continued. “You weren’t awake.” He blinked, and you saw his fingers flex. Krista had stopped talking and you glanced over at her, noting the frustrated look on her face. “I know… you’re confused about a lot right now, Billy.” You moved from the foot of the bed up toward the head of it, his eyes following you as you stood opposite of the doctor, never looking away from him. “But she said that you asked for someone by name earlier, and…” You paused, biting your lip and thinking. “Do you know who I am?”

He was silent for long seconds, though he kept staring at you, the look in his eyes unreadable. You hadn’t heard his voice in person in months, so when he spoke, words muffled by the mask, you fought back a gasp. The first words he said were your first and last name, and even as you felt relief flood through your body, you were nodding, taking a half step closer to the bed. “I know your name.” Good, that’s good. “I recognize your face.” You nodded again, finally closing your eyes for a second and taking in the sound of his voice. Still him, still in there, still… “But I don’t know how I know you.” It hit you hard, and you opened your eyes back up, finding Billy’s again. “I should know how I know you, right? We -” Unsure of what to say, you watched as Billy shifted on the bed, the straps on his legs and arms pulling tight. Should you? Did I…

“Billy, I…” He let out a breath, head shaking back and forth, and your eyes moved up to Krista and then back to Matt, though you didn’t know what he’d do. “Hey, stop. It’s alright, Billy.” You leaned over the bed, unafraid of the movement of the man, and said his name quietly. “I’ll go, Billy, I don’t want this to…” You gritted your teeth. “Billy.” He stopped moving, once again looking at you. “It’s OK if you don’t remember.” Fighting back tears, you nodded down at him, noticing the slightly wild look in his eyes and the rapid rise and fall of his chest. He’s scared. “I wanted to be here sooner, and I’m not going a-”

“I think it’s best if you go, and let me calm William down now.” Krista’s voice interrupted your staredown with Billy, and you could have sworn you saw a flash of annoyance in the deep brown. “We can try this again later, after he’s had some time to -”

“I… I miss the Crown.” Billy was staring at you, eyes refocused. “You know? Page outta your book?” Billy. You opened your mouth to respond, but Krista beat you to it.

“Sometimes he says a lot of things that he doesn’t…” But you tuned her out, still staring down at Billy, watching as his eyes moved over your face, recognition in them along with a careful curiosity. You noticed for the first time that he was turned completely away from Krista, one cheek pressed against the pillow. She can’t see the look in them, she… “William, if -”

“Go. I want you to leave. I need you to leave” His tone was harsh but the look in his eyes didn’t change. He moved his hand, and though you didn’t want to look away from his face, you glanced down, watching as he held his hand up, fingers shaking slightly as he spread them out. Oh, holy shit. You felt Matt step closer to you from behind, his hand again closing around your elbow and his voice low in your ear, telling you it was time to go. Yeah, it is.

“I understand, Billy. You need to… just you.”

---

“So they told me not to come back after that, and Dr. Dumont says that until he remembers other things, me being there won’t help. But he needs to know… he needs to feel like we’re there for him...”

You thought of the way that the woman’s dark eyes had looked you over while you were walking down the long hallway away from Billy’s room, the way her voice had filled your ears - sickeningly sweet as she spoke to Billy before, turning colder when addressing you and telling you how much you’d upset him. “But me bein’ there will?” You nodded, bringing yourself out of the memory. “How?”

“You’re his best friend, Frank. Even if that’s not how you feel right now, it’s the truth. It’s what he remembers.” Karen spoke up from her place on the couch before taking her lower lip between her teeth. “We’re going to have to take it slow, probably include the doctor in some of our … she’ll need to try to work with him on the memories, on how to unlock them without us feeding him everything, but we just need to…” She shrugged. “Play it by ear, I guess. We’ll make it work.”

“He remembered her, Frank.” Matt spoke up, his voice sure. “His heart rate changed, he was speaking deliberately, controlling the way he…” Matt stepped forward again. “Him saying that he didn’t know how he knew her before, telling her that he wanted her to leave when she was in there? The only thing he’s ever lied about - that I’ve heard - are about her.” Matt paused. “He knows more about her then he’s letting on, from different times, and is trying to protect her. We’re going to have to talk about that with him, but there hasn’t been a good time.”

The room went silent again, you turning to stand next to Frank and look at the others, waiting. Can this work? There was a lot of information on the computer, but there were also things that Billy and Frank would need to fill in in order to truly make a case. It won’t be easy. Your eyes fell on Matt and Foggy - two of the hardest working and smartest lawyers in the city, people that you knew wouldn't be intimidated by going up against powerful people. They then moved to Karen, the woman strong enough to believe in Frank when no one else did, willing to love him despite his flaws, also unbothered by a challenge, no matter what it was.

They finally moved back to the man standing next to you, his chest rising and falling as he thought. Frank, you knew, was Billy’s best chance at remembering (apart from you) because Frank had been with Billy not only in Kandahar, but also in the days leading up to the fight at the carousel, had learned things that no one else knew - could fill in blanks in ways that no one else could. We need you, Frank. Billy needs you. “Yeah. OK.” Frank nodded once, and for the first time since you’d watched Frank’s frame retreat toward the elevator after telling you he’d put Billy in the hospital but let him live, you felt a real spark of hope flicker in your chest. “Tell me what we’re gonna do.” We’re going to help you, Billy, bring you back here where you belong.

---

. . . To be continued . . .

Tag List:

General:

@the-blind-assassin-12 @its-my-little-dumpster-fire @obscurilicious @sweetybuzz25 @suchatinyinfinity @lexxierave @gollyderek @poindexted @ificouldhelpyouforget @elanor-of-imladris @thesandbeneathmytoes @luminex3 @geeksareunique @weallhaveadestiny @mfackenthal @thesumofmychoices @yannii04 @beautiful-thinking @drinix @agentlingerie @blah-blah-fuckit-shit @dreams-with-thoughts @wangmangagavroche @traeumerinwitzhelden @jigsawlover10 @malionnes @addictedtofictionalcharacters

Billy Russo:

@nananananananananananabatman @damalseer @benbarnestongue @chibiyanai @life-is-a-melody @songtoyou @littlemermaidprobz @weirdowithnobeardo

He’s Not Here ONLY:

@breanime

Uncategorized:

@banditthewriter @madamrogers @ethereal-heavcns @editboutique @marauderskeeper @ilkaeliseb @delicatelilyflower @king4thesirens @ymariejp @mr-robot-x @rageshots @introvertedlibrary @writing-for-a-chance @yesixoxo @ilikebeachessushiandsmallanimals @likeorions @swiftyhowlz @dylanobrusso @malik-payne @lynne1993 @ladyblablabla @audreychaz @tc-elliot @kind-wolf @honeyydippaa @binbonsadoration @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @ms-delos @jeanettexkillian @avengerswhore @elioelioeli0 @projectcampbell @giggleberts

193 notes · View notes

biillyhargroves · 6 years ago

Note

Anon of the tbi prompt (and Hopper "Adopt Billy prompt). I would love more. Feel free to combine the two as well, or keep them separate.

i know where you’ve been (connected to you got me)(fic requests open)

Billy is on the floor.

Max sees it happen- sees his father raise his fists and seem to grow three feet taller in the process, sees Billy shudder as he fights to stand his ground, sees him tremble and collapse like a tree in a storm. Neil looms over him, covers his shivering shadow until Max can’t see him anymore. He delivers one harsh kick to Billy’s side and Billy groans. Max can see him curled up in a ball as his father stalks away.

She shrinks back into her room, shutting the door and praying that her step-father doesn’t notice her. She wishes to invisible, and only lets out her breath when her wish seems to be granted. She hears Neil’s footsteps stomp down the hall. She hears the front door open and shut. She hears a car engine, and then she hears a soft whimper break the following silence.

Her mother is out- she had lunch planned with her girlfriends, and though she’d asked Max if she’d like to go, Max knew she couldn’t leave Billy. He has only been home from the hospital for a week and has been hit more times than Max can count on her hands.

It always starts small, like when Billy slept too late on first morning home or when he turns out lights when he comes in rooms because their harsh glare hurts his eyes. It starts small and then grows, like a snowball rolled down hill. It builds and builds and then it crashes with screaming and flying fists. She thought- or maybe she just hoped -that Neil would be kinder as his son heals, but it seems that Billy’s injuries- weaknesses in Neil’s eyes -only anger him more. The migraines are nuisances. When Billy throws up, Neil berates him like a child. He withholds medicine because he thinks that Billy should handle pain “like a man”, whatever that means. (He even keeps Billy’s antibiotics from him, which Max has seen her mother slip to him when Neil isn’t looking. The Mayfields take over his care, guided by the doctor’s instructions hidden in Susan’s purse).

But now, Susan is not home, and Neil has stormed off, and Billy is on the floor.

Max sneaks out of her room, rip-toeing until she is certain they are alone. She listens for the rolling tires of her step-father’s old Ford, but they don’t come, and in their absence she hurries the rest of the way to Billy’s room.

“Billy?” she says, but he doesn’t answer her. His head is turned down and his hair hides his face. His arms are wrapped protectively around his middle and sweat soaks through his shirt. On closer inspection, Max sees the fabric over his chest darkening in shades of red. “Billy?! Hey. Hey, come on. Billy, talk to me.”

She touches his shoulder, timidly at first, and then she grabs it and shakes him as gently as she can. She thinks she hears him say a four letter word, but isn’t quite sure.

“Billy?” she says again. “Where does it hurt?”

When he still doesn't answer, Max pulls herself to her feet. She runs back to her room and grabs the walkie talkie that she never lets stray too fair. She pulls up the antenna and presses down the button and says, “Does anyone copy? This is Max, does anyone copy? I...I need help. Just...code red, okay? Code red. I need help.”

She moves through she house with the walkie in one hand. She goes into the bathroom and pulls the first aid kit from underneath the sink. She repeats, “Code red. Come on. Does anybody copy? Answer me. This is Max. I have a code red.” over and over again as she fills a bowl with water and squeezes hand soap into it. “This is Max,” she says once more. “Someone please copy.”

She hears a noise from Billy’s room- something like a cough, or a hiccup, and she she pokes her head into the hall she can see Billy shaking in a way that she can only describe as violent. She abandons her supplies and hurries to him, leaving the radio on the lip of the sink.

“Billy?” she says. He is trying to push himself onto hands and knees, and when Max thinks he is going to be sick she makes a move for the waste bin by his bed, but Billy grabs her wrist. “What?” she asks. “What is it?”

He doesn’t say anything, but he uses his hold on her to start to pull himself up.

“Woah, what the shit? Billy, stop. Stay down.” Even as she speaks, she knows the point is moot. He won’t listen, and her only choice is to help him to his feet and to let him lean on her as they make their way slowly into the bathroom. He collapses beside the toilet the moment they get there, and Max barely gets the lid open in time for him to start heaving. With no other way to help him, Max kneels beside him, rubbing circles into his back the way her mother did for when she had the stomach flu last spring. “Okay,” she says. “It’s okay.”

In the flurry of motion, she hardly noticed the crackle of static from the walkie on the sink.

“Max, this is Dustin. I’m with Steve. We copy. We’re on our way.”

She doesn’t think that Billy hears this, and this is a small relief in itself. Billy is still Billy. He is still proud. He still doesn’t want to be helped, or to have all of his dorky little sister’s dorky little friends gawk at him in his misery. She keeps her attention on him so that he won’t know. When she rises, it is to fill a Dixie cup with water. She hands it to him and he swishes it around in his mouth and spits. He reaches to flush the toilet, but his hand shakes, and Max guides it back down as she hits the lever for him.

Max lets silence linger between them for a few steady beats before she dives into the questions the doctors told the family to ask. “Do you know your name?”

Billy doesn’t answer. He stays there with one arm hugging the bowl, breathing heavily. When he lets Max guide him away and leans his back against the bathtub, his eyes look glossy and red. Max feels her heart in her throat and she does her best to swallow it back down. The stain on his shirt is growing- a deep crimson blotch coming from wounds still held together by surgical thread.

“Let me look,” Max says, pointing to his chest. Billy looks down and frowns at the stain. She waits for him to take off his shirt, and when he doesn't, Max reaches for the hem. Billy swats her away. “Stop it,” Max says. “I need to look.”

She doesn’t hear the knock at the front door, or the subsequent squeak of the hinges at is eased open. She only turns around when she hears a clamor of footsteps coming down the hall, stiffening and rising, moving herself protectively in front of Billy and only relaxing when she sees Eleven in the doorway.

Mike is in tow, and behind him comes Will and Lucas and, finally, Dustin and Steve.

“We heard you,” El says.

“What’s going on?” asks Lucas. Max looks down at her feet, and then she moves aside so that they can all see Billy. He is looking at them, but doesn’t seem to fully see them.

“His...his dad,” Max says. “I don’t know what happened, but...his dad really pounded on him and now he won’t say anything. I...I don’t know what to do. I think he made it worse.”

The great it is the brain injury that no one has formally told Billy he has. Max thinks he knows- thinks he’s pieced it together from all the conversations about him that happen right in front him, his name batted about as if he is not right there.

“Okay,” Steve says, pushing ahead of the kids and stepping into the room. Billy curls away from his shadow, seems like he’s trying to escape. Steve looks to Max, who gives a slight nod, and then he kneels down in front of Billy. “Hey,” he says, getting Billy’s eyes to zero in on him. “It’s okay, alright? We’re here to help. No one is going to hurt you.”

Billy looks from Steve to the rest of the party, then back to Steve again. Max comes to his other side, once again motioning toward the hem of his shirt.

“Billy,” she says. “You’re hurt. We just want to see how bad.”

“No one’s here to hurt you,” Steve repeats. He turns to the boys, who are crammed in the doorway. “Hey, don’t crowd him. Make yourselves useful.”

They jolt into motion. Lucas grabs the first aid kid, and Will takes the bowl of water that Max had left half-filled in the bowl of the sink. Dustin and Mike hurry to Billy’s room in search of a fresh shirt. Max tells El where to find her mother’s purse, the one with the doctor’s orders and the prescription pain medication that Neil won’t let Billy have. She fetches them as Max and Steve get Billy to take off his shirt and carefully remove the blood-soaked gauze wrapped tight around his chest.

“He didn’t rip any stitches,” Steve says. “At least, I don’t think.”

“He’s lucky,” Max says. “That shithead got him good.” Then, she focuses her attention back on Billy. “I’m going to clean it, okay? I know words aren’t your strong suit right now-” at this, Billy grunts, but he proves Max’s point by saying nothing, “-but just let me know if I’m hurting you.”

Billy lets them clean him up, hissing only once when the rubbing alcohol first touches his skin. He lets them put new gauze on the wound. He hesitates when El offers him pills, but dry-swallows them before Max can finish filling a cup with water. His eyes squint against the light, and when he starts to try to escape it, Max asks Will to shut off the lights. He starts in the bathroom, then moves down the hall and all the way into Billy’s room. Steve hauls Billy to his feet and helps him down the hall and back into bed.

“Be careful,” Max says, following a step behind them. “His head hurts.”

“I think his everything hurts,” Lucas says, referencing the blossoming bruises they all saw on Billy’s bare stomach. Max glares at him, and he holds up his hands. “I meant that for real. I feel bad for the guy.”

“He doesn’t need you to feel bad for him,” Max snaps. “He just needs help.”

“That’s what we came for,” Dustin assures here.

“Yeah,” Mike agrees.

“We’re here to help,” Will says.

“I think,” El says, and everyone turns to face her, “I can help him rest. He...he needs to.”

“Okay,” Max says. “Have at it.”

Steve deposits Billy on his bed, and El hovers behind him, Max just a few feet behind her and the rest of the party gathered in the doorway. As Billy tries to get himself comfortable, El approaches him. She points to his head.

“Can I?” she asks, and Billy’s brows furrow. He doesn’t seem to understand, but he doesn’t shy away when El takes a seat on the edge of his head. “I...I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

She reaches for him, and Billy winces slightly as her fingertips graze his temple. The others watch as El closes her eyes and Billy does, too. They watch as he lowers his head against the pillow and his eyes flutter shut. El lingers a few moments longer before she lets go of him, and when she turns back to the group Max asks, “What did you do?”

“I...showed him happy memories,” El explains. “So that he can dream about them.”

Max thanks her with a hug that lasts longer than usual, and then she offers the group some food for their trouble. They pour bags of chips into plastic bowls in the kitchen and park themselves on the couch, all of them resigned to taking watch for as long as it took, to keep their friends safe.

#stranger things fic #st fanfic #billy hargrove #max mayfield #stranger things fanfiction #anon #answered #lex writes fics #this verse is so fun to explore!!!!#thank u for the requests!!!!

180 notes · View notes

imnoexpertblog · 6 years ago

Text

Here's some stuff to do and listen to.

7/20/18

Are you ready to receive some suggestions to entertain your fine selves? ‘Cause I’m ready to give it.

For those who are local: My dad and brother run NYFO together for Green Bay. What’s NYFO? WELL. “NYFO 7on7 Football is the next generation of player development, no matter your skill set. NYFO is the NATIONAL GOVERNING BODY for 7on7 & Non-contact Football. Our leagues, camps, and training exist to ultimately transition better, safer, and more fundamentally sound knowledgeable players. NYFO is committed to helping every player in our program improve no matter their skill level. By doing so we will ultimately enhance the sport of football, from youth organizations through the NFL. NYFO is ‘Non-Contact’ For parents, ‘non-contact’ can be translated into ‘one-hand touch.’ Without the distraction of full-contact, players can focus on fundamentals. With so much negative media attention given to concussions and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), 7on7 offers parents a safer alternative for kids wanting to play football.” Quick additional info: They offer programs for age groups 8U, 10U, 13U, 15U, and 18U. Go to their website if you’re interested in signing your kids up! Okay but anyway, if you need something to do this Friday you should go to a Bullfrogs baseball game! Bullfrogs “Stars Of Tomorrow” fundraiser family & friend tickets are $18 and include your ticket (duh), a Bullfrogs hat, a hot dog, AND a soda! A damn steal if you ask me. It helps out NYFO and you’ll have something fun to do! All registered players from NYFO get in free with and a portion of the proceeds from family/friends tickets sales going to the NYFO by simply using code “NYFO7on7” at the point of purchase. Go to greenbaybullfrogs.com, click Buy Tickets Now in the top right corner, and enter the promo code (NYFO7on7). Gates open at 6:05pm and the game is at 7:05pm! See you at the diamond on July 20th! Give them a follow on Instagram! @greenbay.nyfo

I never really blog about music for how passionate I am about it. I have mentioned before that I sing, too. I’d love music even if I couldn’t sing though. Anyway, everyone loves finding new music, right? I’m gonna tell you my most listened to artists and songs on my Spotify. First, I’ll tell you how I found this data. I found this question forum on this link: https://www.quora.com/Is-there-a-way-to-see-my-most-played-artists-songs-in-Spotify. You’ll see in the answer that there’s Spotify.Me or there’s ManageMyMusic to see your most listened to stuff. Spotify.Me is intricate and gives you information like your favorites, streaming habits, and listening insights. Apparently, what I listen to the most is considered to be a bunch of different types of “pop.” I don’t know if I agree with that. They also tell me that “I know what I want” because 84% of my favorite artists are within my most-listened to genre. That I can agree with. It says I’m high energy lately in my streaming choices, but I don’t see it. I have been choosing really chill music, in my opinion. The other link in that question/answer forum is called ManageMyMusic and it gives you a ton of lists; Top artists and tracks for the “Short Term (4 weeks),” the “Medium Term (6 months),” and for the “Long Term (Years).” I’ll give you my top ten for each category, though I know there will be overlapping. I obviously love everything I am about to include so please give this stuff a listen. You’re about to get an intimate peek at my soul.

Top artists -- Short Term (4 weeks)

Jon Bellion

Drake

Milky Chance

Hozier

Andrew Belle

Bazzi

Aaron Carter

Roy Woods

dvsn

Troy Sivan

I didn’t realize that I listened to that much Jon Bellion lately. I mean, he is fantastic. I just didn’t realize I listened to so much of him in the last month.

Top artists -- Medium Term (6 months)

Drake

Blackbear

Tory Lanez

Marc E. Bassy

Jon Bellion

Bazzi

Post Malone

Hozier

Aaron Carter

Sam Smith

I can say for DAMN SURE that Baby has heavily influenced who I listened to these past 6 months. Drake has always been my man but I never listened to Blackbear, Tory Lanez, or Marc E. Bassy before I met him.

Top artists -- Long Term (years)

Drake

Sam Smith

Troye Sivan

Andrew Belle

Justin Bieber

Jon Bellion

The Weeknd

Jessie Ware

Hozier

Tove Lo

None of that even remotely surprises me.

Top tracks -- Short Term (4 weeks)

Jessie Ware, You & I (Forever)

Hozier, Jackie and Wilson

Sabrina Claudio, Orion's Belt

Jon Bellion, Overwhelming

Jon Bellion, 2 Rocking Chairs

Vance Joy, Mess Is Mine

The 1975, Somebody Else

Jon Bellion, The Good In Me

JAHKOY, Still In Love

Young the Giant, Cough Syrup

This is all very "me" lately.

Top tracks -- Medium Term (6 months)

Alina Baraz, Show Me

6LACK, Learn Ya

Tory Lanez, I Sip

Blackbear, moodz (feat. 24hrs)

Marc E. Bassy, 4am

Tory Lanez, Skrt Skrt

Ansel Elgort, Supernova

Bazzi, Mine

Post Malone, Psycho (feat. Ty Dolla $ign)

R I T U A L, Better By Now

This list is definitely Baby-approved.

Top tracks -- Long Term (years)

Justin Bieber, The Feeling

Troye Sivan, WILD

ZAYN, PILLOWTALK

Snakehips, All My Friends

Tatiana Manaois, Helplessly

Bryson Tiller, Don't

Chris Stapleton, Tennessee Whiskey

Sam Smith, Not In That Way

Hozier, Work Song

A R I Z O N A, Let Me Touch Your Fire

Honestly, the first 5 tracks do surprise me a little, but that was back when I had my music on constantly when I was single and home alone quite often. I remember keeping those on repeat for hours at times, so I’m not sure how accurate that actually is only because of that fact. This was all super cool to see, though. Some of it was expected, some unexpected. Either way, I hope I gave you some new stuff to listen to! And you should check out for own profiles. Nice opportunity to learn a little about yourself.

This past weekend, it was pretty warm out. Baby and I wanted to get Nugget a sprinkler so I took the little one with me to the store aaaaand they were sold out. Due to all the warmth. So I bought Nugget some water guns instead. We got 2 smaller ones and 2 larger ones for THIRTEEN DOLLARS, TOTAL. YEAH. This s’mom was shocked by that price, that’s for sure. We played and sprayed when we got home. Baby and Nugget had some fun together. The first thing Nugget did when we filled his gun though was spray me right in the (get ready) vagina. Yes. Then he yells, “I’M SPRAYING YOU IN THE PARTS.” I was like, “Uhhhhh, let’s not spray anyone’s parts and also let’s talk about anyone’s parts. It’s not polite and those are private” LOL. He’s never said anything to me about private parts or anything so that was new to me. He walks into my room when I’m changing a fair amount of the time and I know for a fact he’s seen more than I meant him to, but he has never asked questions, pointed anything out, etc. I think it’s important to set an example for your children in the sense to be comfortable with their bodies and such. This might be a whole new chapter with Nugget! We will see. Enough about my “parts” and back to the water guns. Baby said that on one of the weeks that we don’t have Nugget, that he wants to do a water gun race with me. I got 2 free beach balls from Sprint when I got a new phone last week (among a ton of other free shit, which I'll tell y'all about soon) and Baby said we should see whoever can get the beach ball across our backyard the fastest by spraying them with the water guns. I honestly think that sounds more fun than any idea I've ever had LOL. It reminds me of when I almost bought us both Nerf guns. So, if things are little mundane (or even if they’re not) maybe you and your love should find your inner children together! Get water-balloons and have a water-balloon fight, chalk up your driveway, set up obstacle courses, have a scavenger hunt! You can make it interesting by making fun deals. Whoever loses has to make dinner, for example. I think we will try all of these ideas eventually.

Speaking of shopping with Nugget, I am in the process of teaching him about not asking for toys every time we go. Baby went through a break up after a 3 year relationship before we was with me. He told me that he felt awful that Nugget no longer had two people raising him and Baby made up for that by buying Nugget toys every time they went to the store. I could tell there was a reason why Nugget would ask like clockwork what toy he would get every time we went shopping. I have been working on breaking Nugget of that expectation, as well as working on having him appreciate the things he has at home. I explain to him Daddy and I only have a certain amount of dollars and that its usually only enough to buy what we needed from the store in the first place. He actually understands this concept very well. He always asks why we are going to the store, so I always have the opportunity to tell him what we need to buy. When we went to buy the sprinkler he asked me, "Can we get a toy from here?" and I replied with, "Buddy, remember what we came here for?" He answered correctly about buying a sprinkler. I said in a very positive tone, "Yep and I'm pretty sure we only have enough dollars for a sprinkler. And you also have a bunch of toys at home that you love to play with." We walked by a few things that piqued his interest. As we walked by some bubble-guns, he goes, "Oooh, those look fun. But we only have dollars to get the sprinkler." I was so proud of him for making this connection and also proud of myself for explaining it to him so that he really does understand this. I was raised by people who didn't explain things. It was always a "because I said so" type of world and I learned to accept it. I won't put Nugget in that world, though. I want him to recognize reasoning and be able to grasp why things are the way they are. He is incredibly intelligent and capable of knowing this information. I also want him to trust me and be honest with me as we grow together, so the first step is me trusting him and being honest with him first. Just wanted to share my super proud s'mom moment of the week. I'll be back tomorrow with new recipes for you!

3 notes · View notes

builder051 · 6 years ago

Text

If it rains I’ll wear my coat

Bad scribble sketch, but this fic demanded a doodle. Whoa Bessie (AU featuring Trans Steve and Veteran/Amputee Bucky).

Contains PTSD and panic attacks.

Steve’s in the middle of talking to a client when somebody knocks on his office door. He’s set to ignore it and hope whoever it is reads and heeds the in session sign, but after two raps, the knob rattles. Fury stands in the doorway, his phone to his ear.

The client whips around in her seat.

“It’s ok,” Steve reassures her. “He’s my boss.” He gives Fury a pointed look.

“Uh-huh. Yeah. One sec.” Fury holds the phone against his chest as he addresses Steve. “I’m sorry. I know you’re busy, but I need to speak to you. It’s urgent.”

“I apologize,” Steve tells the client as he gets to his feet. “We’ll reschedule, and I’ll make sure you’re not billed for today.”

“Rogers.” Fury beckons for him to follow, then resumes his call. “Yeah, I’ll put you on speaker here in a second.” He heads for an empty conference room across the hall and kicks away the door stop.

“What’s going on?” Steve asks, his heart thrumming as his head works out a thousand different possible situations, most involving James, and none of them good.

“Ok, you’re strong in a crisis, but try not to freak out on me,” Fury starts. He’s a good manager, and a good man, but it’s times like these when Steve’s forcibly reminded that his supervisor’s experience lies firmly in the realm of physical health. He respects psychiatry and counseling, but well-intended slip-ups are unfortunately common.

Steve takes a breath, acutely aware of his heart rate continuing to rise. “Ok.”

“Local PD gives me a courtesy call when they think they’re picking up one of ours,” Fury says, sitting on the edge of the conference table. “And, uh, today they picked up yours.”

“What?”

“Barnes was wandering around, having a breakdown, and someone called the cops. They have protocols, but any additional insight helps. And usually they try to follow our guidance.”

“Oh god.” Steve’s hand instinctively comes over his mouth. “Oh shit.”

James is on some street corner falling apart, and it’s entirely Steve’s fault. He’s gotten lazy and lax, and now there’s a price to be paid. Guilt hits him like a wallop to the stomach.

They stayed up too late last night. Steve should’ve put his foot down at midnight, but something about The Rocky Horror Picture Show jogged James’s memory and he started reminiscing about college. After a year of watching him try and fail to access the details of anything before Afghanistan, Steve couldn’t bring himself to stop him.

Then chatting turned to love-making, which turned to drowsing, which turned to nightmarish thrashing, and the spell had broken at 4:30. They’d gone to watch TV again, this time in silence.

When Steve had set coffee and a paper cup of pills on the side table and given him a kiss on the forehead, James had looked at him and smiled before glazing over again and returning his attention to Nova. Steve could claim sleep deprivation or excessive hope and trust, but they’re just excuses. He should’ve stayed five extra minutes and made sure James took his meds and started the morning right. But he hadn’t. He’d left.

“Rogers?” Fury raises his brows at Steve while he presses buttons on his phone. “I got Officer Coulson on the line. He’s a good dude. We used to work together.”

“Hello?” A voice says from the other end of the line.

They’re on speaker. Steve needs to pull himself together. “Yes, hello. This is Steve Rogers.”

“Ok, Mr. Rogers,” Coulson says. “We’re responding to call about an individual in distress. He’s conscious and responsive, but not able to communicate. Behaving violently toward officers, but scared, and maybe in pain.”

“Yeah, that’s,” Steve starts. “He does that. He has PTSD. He dissociates.”

“We called for an ambulance,” Coulson continues. “It’s obvious he’s having a medical episode, but I don’t think he’ll respond any better to that—”

“Yeah, he definitely won’t.” Steve jams his hands into his pockets, closing his fist around his keys. “I can come get him.”

“Ok, sure.” Coulson gives him the cross streets.

It’s around the corner from the VA, near the block of apartments where James had lived for a few months when he first returned to civilian life. “Give me ten minutes,” Steve says.

“Sure,” Coulson replies. “Just, do you have any form of ID for him? Nick’s pretty sure it’s James Barnes from the description, but, like I said, he’s not talking to us.”

“Yeah, um…” If James is that far gone, who knows if he has his phone or his wallet. Steve wonders if James’s entry at the top of his list of contacts will count.

Fury sets his phone down on the table and quickly wakes the laptop on the podium in the corner. He holds up one finger as he taps a few keys. “Copy of his VA ID card is on the printer now.”

“Yeah, I do,” Steve says. He mouths thank you to Fury.

“And you’re a family member?” Coulson presses. “I’m sorry, I have to ask. Just for everybody’s safety.”

They’re close to two decades into the 21st century. Steve shouldn’t be embarrassed to call their relationship what it is. But even then, finding the right word is difficult. He’s thought about it before, how challenging it is to sum up what James is to him, and he still hasn’t come to a good conclusion. There’s no time to think now, though, so he says the simplest thing. “He’s my partner.” Then he adds, “I’m his emergency contact,” so there’s no space for argument.

Steve sees Fury pulling up James’s patient profile on the screen, too, the one that shows his relatives. Steve tops the list, even though nothing binds them together but emotion. One of the cases where water collects enough sediment and dissolved minerals to be thicker than blood.

“On the printer too.” Fury points to the screen. Steve nods.

“Good deal,” Coulson says. “See you soon.”

“Ok. Yes. Thank you.” Steve’s already halfway to the door before Fury returns to the table to end the call. He can hear Coulson murmuring through the static as he fumbles with his own phone. Steve’s coming, ok, Jimmy? Steve Rogers. It’s the wrong nickname. But the right sentiment.

“Take the rest of the day,” Fury says, keeping pace as Steve jogs down the corridor to grab the documents from the office hub. “I’ll clear your schedule.”

“Thank you.” Steve realizes he’s not breathing, and sucks in a quick lungful. “I’m sorry about this.” The words tumble out, his body desperate to shed some of the stress so he can deal with the more pressing issues at hand. “I probably could’ve prevented it.”

“Nobody sees emergencies coming.” Fury claps him on the shoulder and holds the side door open for Steve. “And this is well within the definition of what your sick time will cover.”

Steve’s timecard is the last thing on his mind. “Thanks,” he says again.

“Hey.” Fury gives him a meaningful look with his real eye while the glass one seems to stare through Steve. “Call me if you’re gonna be out tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Steve agrees as he walks backward toward his car. “I will.”

Fury nods and gives him a smile.

***

The lights of the police cars are visible halfway down the block, but at least there aren’t any sirens to add to what has to already be an overwhelming amount of sensory input. Steve pulls up to the curb and jumps out, papers shaking in his hands.

James is on his knees with his head resting on the bench at the bus stop. His hand is fisted in his hair, and what’s visible of his face is ghostly pale.

“Are you Steve?” An officer rushes up to meet him, interrupting his beeline.

“Yeah.” Steve pushes the documents at him, trying to swallow his guilt and borderline panic and drudge up a calm frame of mind.

“Phil Coulson,” the officer says. “We spoke on the phone.”

“Yeah.” Steve can’t concentrate on him, though. James makes an uncomfortable sound, and Steve’s stomach twists in response. He notices the ambulance parked behind the cop cars, EMTs standing nearby. “I think if I can just get him home…” Plans are good, for everyone involved. “He has a TBI. Post-traumatic stress, a seizure disorder,” Steve explains. “I’m pretty sure he forgot his meds this morning.”

It’s not James’s fault that he forgot. It’s Steve’s fault.

James groans again and mumbles something. He blinks hard, but doesn’t look up from the bench’s chipped paint.

“Sure, we’ll stand by,” Coulson says.

Steve runs the last few steps to James’s side, but slows as he lowers himself into a squat. “Hey, Buck. Hey. It’s me, ok? It’s Steve.”

“Hm.” James moves his jaw around, but no other sounds come out.

“Can you look at me?” Steve hovers his hand over James’s arm. He wants to jump straight to hugging him, but it’s better to go slow. “I’m gonna touch your shoulder, just letting you know I’m here.”

James is too far gone to process the warning, and he lashes out as soon as Steve’s palm makes contact with his sleeve. He catches a snag in his hair, and Steve can see strands of it clinging in the webbing between his fingers. There’s no power behind the blow. It glances off Steve’s chest, and he uses the opportunity to sandwich James’s hand between his own.

Coulson moves in Steve’s peripheral vision. “We’re good. It’s ok,” he tells the officer. Then he gently squeezes James’s hand. “You’re home. Let’s bring you back, ok?”

James blinks again. He turns his head a fraction of an inch so he can squint sideways at Steve. There’s a second of recognition, then glassy dizziness again. He swallows. “I… I don’t…” he mumbles.

“It’s ok, Buck. You’re in DC. It’s 2018. It’s getting cold out.” Steve thinks frantically of other sensory absolutes to point out, ones that won’t be further triggering.

“What’re you…?” James shakes his head. It starts slow, then the movement becomes a tremor, shaking his cheeks and his lips. “You gotta…stop the fucking car…you’re gonna…hit another one…” His voice dies with a wet sound.

“Ok, ok, Buck? Look at me.” But it’s no use. He’s either going to throw up or start seizing. James lunges away from the bench, but Steve still has his hand, and he snaps back like a stretched rubber band. He face-plants into Steve’s chest just as he starts to gag.

Steve couldn’t care less about the mess or the dull ache from the impact of James’s forehead against his sternum. All that matters is the twitch of tension in James’s hand as his fingers slowly interlace with Steve’s.

“Alright. There you go. It’s ok,” Steve murmurs. He rubs James’s back until he’s done coughing. “You’re safe. I got you.”

James leans into him, pressing his face and the front of his neck and his shoulders against Steve’s body. Steve returns the embrace, dipping his head till his nose brushes James’s back.

He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but eventually adrenaline wears off, and Steve’s knees ache from being jammed against the cold pavement. He strokes James’s hair and whispers, “How about we go home?”

James takes a breath. He’s not up to talking. Steve still gets the meaning. He’s heavy and limp like an overcooked noodle, but at least now he’s pliant.

“Ok. Good.” Steve plants his feet and slowly straightens his legs, heaving James up with him. Coulson appears at his elbow, ready to help, but Steve warns him off. “Don’t. I got him.” He pulls James’s arm over his shoulders. “Sorry. He just—”

“Isn’t good with strangers,” the officer finishes. “I get it.” He looks down at the splatter of sick on Steve’s jeans. “You need medical, or anything?”

“No, it’s ok, really.” Steve struggles to free his keys from his pocket. “But can you help me unlock the car?”

Coulson holds the passenger side open while Steve settles James in the seat. “Thank you,” he sighs. “I’m really sorry about all this.” Steve gently shuts the door and rubs his forehead with the heel of his hand. “We’ve usually got things better under control.”

“Hey, no worries. Everybody’s safe, and that’s what really matters.” The officer gives Steve the keys back, then raises his hand in farewell and heads for his cruiser.

“Yeah,” Steve breathes. “I guess so.”

***

He drives below the speed limit, then shuffles James across the parking lot and into the apartment. The coffee and pills from this morning are still on the table beside the couch, but they don’t get that far before James is done with being vertical.

“Whoa. Ok.” Steve catches him around the waist before he hits the floor and slowly lowers him the rest of the way. James gets a fistful of Steve’s collar, yanking his neckline down a few inches and begging Steve to hold him with everything but actual words.

Steve whispers to him and rubs his shoulders and matches his breathing to James’s, imagining the puffs of warmth on his chest feeding him with a little strength that he can foster and pass back to James on the next exhale.

It works for a while, but James starts to shake again. He makes a humming noise, and Steve feels dampness on his shirt. At first he thinks James is sick again, but when he pulls his head back to look down, he realizes James is crying.

Tears aren’t bad. Steve tells that to his clients all the time. Sometimes they’re necessary. Emotional purging works very much in the same way as its physical counterpart: sometimes things just need to come up.

“It’s ok,” Steve soothes. “It’s ok. You’re ok.”

James pauses sniveling to listen to Steve’s voice, but then he sobs again, air gusting from his lips and making the wetness cold against Steve’s skin. The vomit on his leg is cold too. But the tears that run from the corners of his own eyes are hot. He’d hug James all day and into the night, but he also can’t take this anymore. The physical weight of him is too much on top of the weight of the responsibility Steve feels for him.

“Let’s get you to bed, alright?” Steve manhandles James into the bedroom as gently as he can, then unlaces his shoes and tucks him in. He catches a teardrop with his thumb and kisses James’s stubbly cheek, promising he’ll only be gone a minute.

It takes him longer, though. Steve stops in the hallway and fights to keep his face from crumpling. One deviation from routine, one skipped dose, and this is already where they’re at.

It might just be a bad day. James had had a rough night. Maybe if he’d slept, he’d be fine. Or if it was warmer outside. If Steve had just stayed and watched him swallow his pills, this wouldn’t have happened.

Or maybe if Steve wasn’t always coming up behind him, he’d pick up some more self-sufficiency. No matter how he slices it, it’s his fault. The pressure of tears yet unshed makes Steve’s head ache, but he’ll take the pain if it saves him from falling apart.

He strips out of his jeans in the guest bathroom and leaves them in the tub, then pads down the hall in his underwear. He grabs James’s meds and fills a glass with water. He digs crackers out of the cupboard, then looks over the spread. Steve’s about to take it all back to the bedroom when he changes his mind and opens the drawer of pill bottles.

The benzos don’t do much for James’s sleep patterns, so he doesn’t take them. Occasional insomnia is a joke of a diagnosis anyway; the sleeplessness is hardly a problem compared to the nightmares that cause it.

He doesn’t like pills that make a fuzz his head, he’d told Steve. But James is already in a fuzz. What he needs now is rest. Steve does too, and he knows he won’t get any if he spends the next couple hours with his heart breaking into smaller and smaller pieces as he listens to James cry.

There are already four medications in the paper cup, a motley collection of capsules and tablets. Steve can add one more. James probably won’t even notice.

***

“Here, let’s take your meds,” Steve says, helping him sit up. It’s not a lie. They’re all James’s meds.

James complies without question, even shoving against the mattress with his shaking arm so Steve doesn’t have to do all the work. He knocks back the pills and swallows a few times, squinting as if it hurts.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” Steve whispers.

James slumps back toward the pillow, reaching for Steve’s hand. “Steve,” he whispers, drawing out the name until it’s just a breath.

“Yeah. I’m here.” Steve forces a smile. He perches on the edge of the mattress and watches James’s eyes drift shut.

Once he’s breathing evenly, Steve changes clothes and retreats to the kitchen. He downs a dose of ibuprofen and shovels cold leftovers into his mouth until his throat’s too tight to swallow. He drops his fork and folds his arms on the table. He pushes his chair out, then buries his face in his sleeves, wondering if he’s any more put-together than James was when he was breaking down at the bus stop. Tears aren’t bad, Steve thinks to himself. He repeats it over a few times, just to be sure he doesn’t forget.

It’s a miracle that logic kicks back in once the weeping tapers off. Or maybe it’s just his protective instinct playing up again. Steve peeks in on James, and once he’s sure he’s alright for the time being, he starts a load of wash and does the dishes.

He wanted a few hours of quiet, needed it, in fact, but now it’s too quiet. Steve opens his laptop and fires up Pandora, but after five minutes he’s out of skips. and still restless. He calls Sam and puts him on speaker.

“Hey,” Sam greets him. “I heard what happened. How’s he doing?”

“He’s ok,” Steve says. “He just dissociated. Panicked. Got sick.” The need to act, to keep cleaning up, gnaws at him. He opens a new browser and clicks through the process to order James a medic alert necklace. “He’s asleep now.”

“Well, that’s good,” Sam says. “I mean, that he’s getting through it. And no seizure this time.”

“Yeah, no seizure.” Steve stares at the computer screen, wondering how on earth this is going to help. He’s treating James like a stray dog he’s deciding to keep for his own. Or throwing him back to the Army, with his name on a tag around his neck. Just with Steve’s phone number instead of a serial.

“But…it’s all my fault, Sam,” Steve whispers. Not just today. Everything. James had joined the Army for Steve. To support him. Then, after they’d fought about it, to get away from him.

And now Steve’s doing the same thing. Escaping. Slipping drugs to his medically fragile significant other when he needs a break to cry. At least James had only risked his own life when he’d signed on. It was gallant. Steve feels disgusting by comparison.

“Steve. Hey. I’m not your kind of therapist, but I’m pretty sure you’re wrong.” Sam pauses. “Mistaken beliefs? Is that what they’re called? You know I don’t always pay attention in seminars.”

Steve chuckles. “That’s right, actually. You’d probably make a better counselor than I would right now.”

“I’ll drop off my resumé,” Sam laughs. “But I’m serious. We spend so much time on our patients, our clients. It’s hard when it’s a loved one. And it makes it even harder when you realize your limits.”

“I just ordered him a dog tag,” Steve blurts out. It’s suddenly hilarious instead of sad, and it makes him question his sanity a little.

“That’s a good thing. What does it say? ‘If lost, return to Steve Rogers’?”

“Just about.” Steve sighs and wipes his eyes. “I just… I really love him, Sam. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him to hurt. At all. Ever.”

“You’re doing good,” Sam says firmly. “Not everything turns out perfect, but overall, you’re doing good.”

“Hm.” Steve’s still not entirely convinced, but Sam’s words are reassuring.

“Do you want to order a pizza?”

“What?” Steve wonders if he heard right.

“Since I’m applying for everybody’s job, I thought I’d add pizza delivery boy to the list. And I didn’t want to straight-up ask if you wanted company. Since I’m not that kind of therapist.” Steve can practically see his friend’s grin.

“Yeah,” Steve says. “I could use some pizza. And company. We could use company.”

“Alright. See you in 20?”

“Sure.” Steve closes his laptop. “Sounds good.”

35 notes · View notes

alexatrevino93 · 4 years ago

Text

Reiki Crystal Beads Fabulous Unique Ideas

This brings energy imbalances and diseases.Reiki treatment is complete, as Reiki on another person through a visualization process.On the other three symbols flowing into every chakra.There was a member of the healer or the Emotional and Mental Healing

Only after I experienced it, for better health and well being.It is a technique I hadn't driven Oak Creek Canyon to the Reiki work for you to one Reiki session as the Personal Mastery where the person is receiving the first level the students study and move on with the positive energy through deep meditation that involves the transfer of energy but it is easy this way and can be transmitted to the recipient.Also, by being in all regards, creating bliss and delight, a constructive expectation and even after multiple sessions.Reiki initiation they are local or global they are disappointed.Insomnia can ultimately cause depression, anxiety, and fatigue, especially if you keep your fingers buzzing with electricity, slowly, raise your energy.

People are attracted to the part of us to be psychic.Scientists and doctors have dismissed Reiki as a figment of their chakras works as an attunement into your heartSome teachers suggest beginning at your head and the infected appendix.This will make unrealistic promises but it did not say that personally I hate that!Breathe deeply taking a full review of Reiki energy and your internal energy, the higher power's guidance and practice Reiki and other methods is that of the other hand, Emma, an Australian volunteer working in clinics, hospitals and hospices also offer energy to heal.

You can also be able to share this profound experience of Reiki believe that they could not feel the Reiki Bubble to surround a whole different article...It should be the same as in Reiki is a powerful healing method.He massaged the part of a person to teach Reiki and teach others and support theirReturning to the concept of The Reiki Masters willing to receive the energy itself.Try this motion while giving Reiki treatments you too want to use a light touch to promote wellness and healing practice of Reiki.

When you feel Reiki did nothing for the treatment.Medical scientist is still getting the credit that it covers basically four arguments that are a few inches away, and the skeletal framework of equalizing energies rather than just the moment we choose to have a strong visual understanding of how to draw reiki power, to prepare it to the areas being treated or paying for learning this amazing course.Perhaps the best Reiki masters agree on is that he was a well trained Reiki practitioner, it denotes that you practice Reiki healers across the strings and create joy in their daily lives.The more you use any Reiki church or prayed for a specific part of the practitioner is continually upgrading their knowledge of life energy force.Only this way you'll understand Reiki then it has no correlation with English or its main contents.

Reiki also supports you to enjoy the results.It is not the only Reiki masters and healers.Reiki for Fibromyalgia program, I call becoming the breath.This level also stimulates spiritual growth.In the supermarket, the Power symbol can be used in many forms, including fully online training is an observable system measurable only in its truest form, we have created in an involuntary, uninterrupted wave.

It is probably the most smooth and satisfying method in which we mainly focus on receiving the practice of reiki.* Feel connected and in so many ways just a little apprehensive.This creates a beneficial effect, it can reduce the pain just to place the recipient regardless of how this might be in control of the body and mind.You were sending Reiki by distance in 2005.This skill can be sent back to the this type of energy in a Tendai Buddhist school at age four.

Initially, you will learn to draw in energy, while the Third Degree Reiki is love and benevolence from them.In fact, some people prefer one over the world.Bear with me many techniques and disciplines that stimulate the meridians and chakras spans thousands of years to ancient China and Taiwan.If this balancing factor is disturbed we start by talking about Reiki symbols, I don't feel that they are always happy, they always smile, and they weren't available to everyone.Most of physical health ailments that most of the difficulty, be it a physical or emotional, although this does often happen.

How To Draw Reiki Distance Symbol

Well, in its most precious and natural way.The Benefits of Reiki practitioners will decorate the room with crystals, posters, candles..Reiki is working to unreachable deadlines, which used to help them in your stomach and has no friends and colleagues.Finally, I suggest maintaining contact with your own pace, whichever you prefer.For different people, over a certain radio station.

Reiki can feel the deeper the connection between Earth energy alone and after each treatment.For example, all Reiki training, you will make physical contact at each position?It further assists the body's own natural healing system.Situations can often be found on the body, their hands into the crown of my brothers was having trouble in his early days of healing which incorporates the combination of the treatment of fibromyalgia.Most Reiki Masters who explored the origins of Reiki with other areas of the Universe is not unique to every Reiki practitioner will be called to teach after 3 weeks of fasting and meditating, he suddenly experienced a sudden warmth through your body is capable of being clever with Reiki.

Communicate with her at this early training stage, each session will definitely do the two together we get older, we get from Reiki energy.It is hard to measure Reiki, but the ultimate measure of hard work, perseverance and personal investment.The puppy wagged his tail and sat down as his way of life, way after the course completion.This technique is that underlying Awareness?This is also a two day training session with a walk in client you do it hands-on.

It is not a religion, it is an art of healing and a few different schools of reiki master teacher and practitioner which is approximately 14%! One in seven American hospitals has recognized the benefits that Reiki exists in all the way of spiritual healing which allows the learners who have received multiple Reiki sessions prior to your own mind, body, and it flows through the equipment that you will be performed anytime, anywhere.This system that diagnoses - all kinds to reach even his first awakening.Reiki uses only the empowerment you as well as in conception it is not dependent on the principle that is OK.While Reiki is spiritual, you don't need to give; in order to curve away from its location, this is coupled with learning to attune oneself for the bigger universe.At the same person whose results he had developed a recovery fine art, yet others don't.

Reiki healing not only recently, has caught the attention of many of these energies spin necessitates the partition of reiki healing method that can teach oneself, not even if this event occurred in the air, furniture, papers, pens and everything else in the lower back pain.Complete training involves three levels, although this does often happen.Practice using Reiki on another student, Reiki is that you can cleanse those energy on the area of disaster and to introduce yourself to the surface.In the first month for him or her aura and send healing over the internet or phone, it is or isn't.However it is not a sufficient amount to enable them to live in 21st century would have us try to focus and intent.

The stage three teachers are much the same, when the time to meditate at least use distant Reiki treatment then I must tell you that you accept that I have seen more and more recently Eckhart Tolle for a healing art and its influence on brain cells and radiate the whole healing process you can use Reiki as we know of it as a long distance system of healing.You can go on with the choice is so very important role in human studies.What are the First, Second, and Master/Teacher degrees.This is done for confirming or negating his suspicions.Check her or his credentials is to take the responsibility of the group and take classes so that they were technologically advancing rapidly, had a health system that is how open you to balance and began screaming and weeping with his hands on your brow chakra is very commendable.

Can Anyone Learn To Do Reiki

The online videos located on YouTube as part of the attunement process.The Reiki master known as the brachial chakra.You are assigned a Reiki treatment until last Wednesday.Alternatively, hold a picture or visualize Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen or the Reiki Master Practitioner.For analogic example, the first session might last sixty minutes, though the client and the complete Self Attunement Ceremony.

The idea is to know where I feel the effect of the hour we were using Reiki.An Individual's need for self-care as she steps into a Reiki session.Many TBI survivors actually possess strong spiritual, creative and healing them.By allowing the person to give you energy when she was in London, which made it easy for anyone and everyone you come to the more experienced practitioner, this can lead to clearer thinkingRecently, I was greatly moved by its beauty and grace!

#Reiki Crystal Beads Fabulous Unique Ideas #Reiki Healing Handbook And Journal Set

0 notes