#even though I've actually been able to imagine a future for myself

[thepenultimateword]

Too Tall Part Six

I missed my awkward space babies

||Part One||Part Two||Part Three||Part Four||Part Five||

Antolin held a hair tie in his teeth as he gathered his hair into a half-knot. His face was still pale, and his leg throbbed like hell, but he finally had the energy for an outing. Though, conscious to preserve that energy, he currently sat on the end of his bed, the wall mirror taken down and propped haphazardly in an open dresser drawer.

He turned his reflection from side to side as he ran his fingers through the top layer of tangles, scrutinizing the deep blue cross-wrap shirt from all angles. It had been a rather long time since he'd been on shore leave, so It had taken forever to find an outfit that wasn't a uniform or lounge clothes. The shirt's neck plunged a little low for comfort. It looked strange. Was that out of unfamiliarity or because it actually looked bad? He hadn't minded the look before, but now after several years of tight, high collars, he felt almost indecently exposed.

“You can’t be serious.”

Antolin briefly met Zae’s glaring eyes in the mirror. “What?" He took the hair tie in his hand and pulled the tail through two and a half times. "It’s just a walk.”

“You aren’t actually interested in that bloodmonger, are you?”

He picked up a hairpin with dangling blue glass beads and paused. Interested? Unai had been interesting since the moment she arrived on-station. But Zae was talking romantically, wasn't she? That was a much harder question. Antolin had always planned on having a relationship with another human--if his job ever gave him the time that was. Unai was about the furthest thing from a typical future that he could imagine. The culture, the planet...the height. Not bad...but complicated. Different. However, he had grown used to her presence. And the idea of going out to do something un-work related did make his heart speed a little fast. Not that any of that was enough to make sense of.

“I don’t know," he said. "Admittedly, it is a little strange. But I do like her. To what extent I’m still not sure. In any case, we're friends."

Zae frowned deeper, folding her long, slender arms. "She’s arrogant."

Antolin offered a half-shrug as he slid the pin into his bun. “She’s arrogant because she has a right to be. She does her job with a proficiency and vigor I’ve rarely seen.”

“Only because she’s trying to impress you. I swear, the rumors I've heard around the station since she's arrived. Does she have no shame?"

Rumors? He'd have to probe around about that once he was up and able again.

“I highly doubt she would have reached the rank of captain without a good work ethic.”

“Alright, but that doesn’t change that she's Ke'turian--an incredibly violent species. They take whatever they want by force. And you're human."

Antolin frowned at the implication. Did everyone see him as weak? He'd proven himself multiple times on the Zenith, enough times to get this position. Yet, sometimes, he had the impression that everyone was simply humoring him. His stripes held the threat of federal discipline, so they did as they were told. But they didn't actually respect him. Obviously whoever was letting in their enemies found him an easy target. And now Zae felt the need to fret over him as if he were a child. He even doubted his own abilities after that terrible fight with the Lasters.

But then there was Unai. She had said she'd battle alongside him. Surely a Ke'turian would know best about battle. It hadn't felt like a lie, even with her abrupt retreat after saying it.

He drew himself up in his seat. "I'm quite capable of defending myself against any threat. Ke'turians included." The cold tone clearly struck Zae because she immediately dropped her gaze. Satisfied, he allowed a little warmth back into his words as turned away from the mirror to face her head-on. "But I can hardly picture Captain Unai attacking me."

Zae remet his eyes, clearly unconvinced. "Be careful."

He rolled his eyes. "I will. Promise. Now," he grasped his crutch, shoving himself to his feet and limping a couple feet out from the bed. "How do I look?"

Zae sighed. "Like you think you're going on a date."

***

Unai's long stride had brought her to Hayes's door too quickly. She was at least 15 clicks too early. Knocking on the door now would be an embarrassment, another overeager display of her one-sided affections. That was...if they were one-sided. Because this was a date. Right? She'd at least intended it to be when she originally asked--or tried to ask. She wasn't certain what it was now that Hayes had taken ownership of the excursion.

Unai leaned back against the metal wall. She shouldn't ask. If Hayes hadn't intended anything by proposing a walk--which he probably hadn't--it would be uncomfortable to bring it up. Not to mention the recent gossip on the topic. She'd never been subtle, but it was a little ridiculous that her connection to Hayes was being so blown out of proportion now. She really hoped Hayes hadn't caught wind of any of it. She'd specifically left mention of it out of their conversations in case the bother affected his health or his opinion of her.

She checked her communicator's clock function. Still 13 clicks early. Maybe it was alright to be at least 5 clicks early. Punctuality was a virtue. So that only left 8 to go. Manageable.

She smoothed the front of her plain black tunic for probably the fifth time since putting it on. The collar settled comfortably just below her throat, only a little lower than that of her uniform, but the sleeveless nature of the garment had her a little uneasy. On Ke'tukar, bared arms to a potential mate were as obvious a signal for courtship as shouting it aloud; she doubted Hayes knew that, but it hadn't stopped her from wanting to do so anyway, just as her own personal declaration.

Another glance at her communicator. 5 more clicks. Well, maybe 10 clicks early would actually be fine.

Unai raised her hands to the door and hesitated. She'd been letting herself in these past weeks anyway. And Hayes didn't always hear the knock. Maybe she should simply enter as usual. That might even let Hayes know the stooping level of her expectations.

She pressed the door button, moving forward as the door slid open. And nearly ran into Lt. Zae in the process.

Unai backed up quickly as the Lieutenant's initial surprise faded, and she stepped into the hall, punching the door button back to closed as she did so.

"Captain." Her address was chilled as usual, and her silver eyes roamed up and down Unai's frame with an almost sick regard.

"Lieutenant," Unai returned through gritted teeth.

"Subtle are we?"

"Forgive me, Lieutenant, but I don't understand what you're implying."

Lt. Zae nodded at one of Unai's arms. "Ke'turian females woo the males by exposing their arms. A show of the strength you have to offer. I hope you are not expecting Commander Hayes to fall prey to such a spectacle."

Unai fought down the flutter of her collar and set her jaw.

"My clothing has no intention outside of its flattering fit, and even if it did, I don't see how it's any of your business."

Lt. Zae rose up to her full stringy height--a little higher than midchest--the already pinkish hue of her skin darkening with contempt. "Commander Hayes is my longtime colleague, commander, and friend. You expect me to be delighted at his dalliances with a Ke'turian military officer?"

Unai wished she could roar in the face of this disrespect. Bare her fangs, raise her collar, and challenge Lt. Zae to a combat of honor. But that would only upset Hayes and satisfy the Lieutenant's bad opinion of her. Instead, she let her fangs only show slightly. "Xersians and Ke'turians may have differing ideals, but I never knew a Xersian to be openly prejudiced toward an entire species."

"It's not the Ke'turian species trying to initiate courtship with Antolin. It is only one."

Unai knew it shouldn't matter, but that casual first name drop made her insides twinge. Lt. Zae really was on closer terms with Hayes. But that still did not excuse whatever she was being accused of. "Am I missing something, Lieutenant?"

"You Ke'turian’s are as aggressive when courting as you are when fighting. You expect me to trust a species that takes their mates by force?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play innocent; I've read up on Ke'turian customs. Fighting other females to the death. Taking the males to husband--sometimes by physical force--without allowing any sort of choice. It's disgusting."

“What?” Unai cried, her collar flapping up irritatedly. “Maybe a few centuries ago! Where did you read that, a history book?"

"It was a modern study on various species' courting rituals."

"Written by who? A Xersian?"

"The libraries on Xersa have an extensive collection of research. All of which is heavily peer-reviewed and fact checked."

"Sounds like your libraries are trash, if that counts as heavily fact-checked. Ke'turian courtships are consensual. If I am denied, I will give up my pursuit entirely." It hurt to say aloud, like a rock sinking to the bottom of her stomach. But it was true. Her advances only went as far as Hayes accepted them. Maybe that was another reason she wasn't being totally forward. Once she received the official no, it was done. She'd rather bide her time in hopes of a one-day yes.

Lt. Zae blinked a few times. Taking in the offense and the claim all at once. Her face contorted from enraged, to considering, to flat. "I...will check a few more sources. However, my current trust remains nonexistent. If I hear of anything unsavory occurring on this 'walk', I will use my current commanding power to dismiss you from the station. Clear?"

"Perfectly," Unai growled. She maneuvered around the Xersian, pressing the door button with a large, intentional gesture. As it slid back, she stepped into Hayes' quarters without a second glance at the eyes piercing her back.

Hayes hastily pushed himself up on his crutch as she entered. "Captain Unai!"

"Commander!" she returned, nearly on choking the greeting. He wore a blue tunic-style shirt that cross-wrapped over his chest, but not before dipping just below his clavicle.

No. No. She was not going to be accused of ogling again.

Unai forced her gaze away from his elegant neck and the peeking portion of--despite his months in bed--a toned chest. She didn't know why she had expected him to be in uniform today. Maybe because besides the sleep clothing he wore in his quarters, she'd never seen him in anything else. He seemed like the type who would sleep in his uniform if it weren't for the discomfort and possible damage to the material.

It turned out averting her eyes from the outfit did nothing to save her. Haye's long, dark hair, fell in full curls over his shoulder, and the little tendrils that were too small to be pulled into his half bun framed his face in a messy, tousled sort of way. His eyes, as dark and deep as ever, studied her intensely.

She looked down at the floor before he could see the full extent of her admiration.

You mean attraction, she corrected internally. Who do you think you're kidding?

Well, if this wasn't a date, hopefully Hayes.

After a few moments, when no reproach or teasing remarks came, Unai forced her gaze back up. Hayes was still staring at her. Not the piercing, soul-exposing way he usually looked at her, but like...like he was caught up in a thought.

"Hayes?"

Hayes jolted and cleared his throat. "You, uh, look nice."

Unai mustered every bit of her strength to keep her collar pinned taughtly against her neck. "Thank you. So do you." She awkwardly extended her arm. "Shall we?"

Hayes limped forward and took gentle hold of the crook of her arm with his free hand. He smiled briefly up at her with what seemed like...nerves? No, it was probably just uneasiness about going out for the first time. His leg was probably pretty sore.

"So, Captain, what did you have planned?"

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

How Do i even post about it ...

Ok so i mentioned in my previous post how two hummingbirds were circling me today when i got to the summit of the mountain, and i knew it was my father. But in that moment i was thinking, who is the 2nd one? And my thoughts were, Oh it must be another angel who's following him around

Well. I just opened up youtube and saw my favorite psychic posted a new reading, the title something like "Your father's spirit called upon an angel for your healing" .. I got shivers .. for context, i don't watch very many psychics as i don't find many of them to be trustworthy, but this girl is like on a totally different level her readings are always extremely specific & her energy is soooo beautiful like truly ethereal she is a true channeler , she also barely ever posts , you can tell it's not like a 'hustle' to her like she hadn't posted anything in like a month before this, idk she's just very sincere

the basic gist of the reading was, she said she sees "your father standing there, and to the side of him, a much larger figure, an angel" .. And he has called upon the angel to assist him, in assisting me, in healing this wound, as well as communication, because he does not have the power to heal it himself. (At one point she mentioned how he was not a spiritual person in life, he does not have psychic gifts, which is why he had to call upon this angel, which made me laugh cus it's true as fuck my dad hated all things woo-woo)

But i was like oh my god.... that was the 2nd hummingbird i saw earlier... i heard it in my mind.. There's another angel with him, but i didn't know who, and i even wondered why i didn't know who, because usually i know, when i see something and it has a message for me i know who it's from...

It's so crazy, she specified that "you lost your father very young" but also "you moved around a lot, part of the wound is that you've never been able to root in your life, you desire to root and establish something for yourself but the wound has kept you from this and that's what he's called upon this angel to heal for you" she also said the word "nomad" and i was like fully sobbing at this point cus. that's been my WHOLE life like from early childhood up until this exact moment, before and after he died, i move and move and move i never stay still ..

i've never had roots and when i'm feeling sorry for myself that's where my mind goes, "You never got to have roots". I see & know so many people who just have that they just have a home and a family they have a hometown they take it quite for granted to be known and familiar. it's like yeah i'll never see any of my childhood homes again even from the outside. i have like 5 childhood homes split in different countries. i dream of them and that's all there is.

But ok, she said like, omg dude. She said the angel is bringing you "freedom". And i fucking gasped even though that sounds vague as fuck, i have been repeatedly praying lately for My Perfect Freedom. Every night. A few weeks ago i finally took action into seeking legal help for my immigration situation and since then i've been receiving nothing but good news about it, better than i ever imagined. Especially in the past week. I'm not rly trying to talk about it online but i feel like it's important to note for the timing of this message that i literally AM getting my freedom and it's FELT angelic.

Like i've been feeling this new sense of vitality and hope and optimism in my heart that i can stay. I can just stay here. I never have to move again. I literally can root. i've been walking with denji every night, and i just look around at the neighborhood and the sky and the trees, i listen to the cicadas, i'm like holy shit, this is it, this is what it means to have joy, this is what it means to be present, nothing feels mundane, i'm just so happy to be here, i'm giving thanks every moment, i'm seeing my future unfold, the way i can get a job again, actually start saving up for a life that's real, tangible, the uncertainty i've lived with for my entire adult life is fading away, literally so recently like so so recently

and today at the mountaintop felt like a climax of this feeling, the gratitude, the panorama of opportunities, angels communicating, presentness, just not wanting or needing to be anywhere else, not needing to run away anymore

She said about how "you were best friends with your father" which i was, and she said "you share your gifts but he acknowledges you do it better than him" which cracked me up cus like. My father looooved drawing and photography which are obviously big things for me too, part of our friendship was that he pushed me to do art and make a real career of it like he wanted to.

i think i've spoken of this on here before but taking photos is something i do with him, not even like "im honoring him" but we literally do it together, it's a form of channeling. i think sometimes i channel him when i draw too but mostly my grandpa. My grandpa had very similar drawing style to me but my dad's was a little different. However when i see my dad's photography it's like yeah, we have the same eyes, physically and spiritually, same vision

Lol ok last thing she said that freaked me out was that i have a son waiting to be born who will be either my grandfather or great-grandfather reincarnate. And no joke i HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS !!!! Like its really the biggest reason i feel strongly compelled to have a child. I always thought it will be my great grandfather who died a few months before i was born. i really feel i have a son and a daughter waiting to come through and i can't deny them. i can't say it's true confirmation since it hasn't happened yet but it was just weird to hear her say that when it's something i've never even spoken of just a total hunch.

And having my children will be a huge milestone in healing this wound of almost 18 years since my dad's been gone. plus the lifelong wound of yearning to "root".

Like if what she says is really true that a new force has been summoned recently to assist me with this, it explains so much of what i've felt lately. i feel it's only come in in the past few weeks, definitely after pochita's surgery, maybe that's where my dad drew the line and said THAT'S IT WE'RE CALLING IN REINFORCEMENTS

She said whoever this father is he has a very sarcastic dry sense of humor about him. Just another lil confirmation idk hehe. The hummingbirds rly told me everything i needed to know though. in that moment i knew it was one of the craziest things that's ever happened to me even before seeing the reading but wow i rly didnt expect this. She said so much in the reading that felt like it was literally specific just for me. There's probably more i'm forgetting

Wow this is became a looooong post :) Don;t mind me. i've just.... i've been doing a lot of secret practice lately, a lot of things i don't talk about on tumblr, or tell anyone at all, because the silence gives it power. But this one i just felt called to document here for some reason. i don't question it. Goodnight fr this time....

PMD(9)

[reilly310]

Outlander: Blood of My Blood

art credit: @SimonWrightSays

I'm dusting off my blog for the first time in a looong time with some thoughts about the new prequel series.

I've been on the fence about the new series, but after learning that Claire's parents' story will be included, I found myself more intrigued. Then seeing this (amazing) sketch of young Jamie and Claire got my imagination flowing.

I'm mostly interested to see how the writers will integrate the two storylines, as I would think they'll have to do. Given at least one (and perhaps both) of Claire's parents can time travel:

Will one of them be from the past (her father, I presume) and, in a kind of reverse Outlander, meet/fall in love with the other in the future?

And/or will both of them travel back to Jamie's parent's time (purposely or by accident) and will they meet/be friends (or foes) of each other's for a time?

Will they give birth to Claire in the past or the present? Will Jamie and Claire know each other (or at least meet briefly) as very young children but be too young to remember that encounter/relationship? (See picture above..and yes, I know there's a 5 year age difference in OL but just indulge me here because that picture is so cute. Maybe, more realistically, when Claire is 5, they are present for Jamie's birth instead. Isn't one of the rules of time travel in OL that you have to have a connection to where you're traveling to? Since Claire went through the stones the first time by accident, could she have landed where/when she did because of that connection to Jamie / his family from her past even if she didn't consciously remember it?)

Do Claire's parents actually die in a car crash or was she just told this by Uncle Lamb as a way to explain their absence? Did they get stuck in the past instead and spend the rest of their lives trying to return to her? Do Jamie's parents find out their secret and try to help them in this endeavor to return to the future?

Or maybe they perish in the past and Uncle Lamb, a time traveler himself, brings Claire to the present to keep her safe.

Because (I don't think) there's any book reference to Claire's parents other than her mentioning how they died and that she doesn't really remember them, the possibilities related to their storyline are endless.

Having put these thoughts out into the universe, though, I'm likely setting myself up for disappointment if/when the series airs and does none of these things. However, a connection of some sort between the two couples will have to be established in order for the series to have a flow that makes sense and is not disjointed.

PS: I read the first 3 books and part of the 4th before setting them aside years ago, so I don't consider myself a book reader. Perhaps there's information in the later books that would make the potential connections I've imagined for this new series impossible. If so, please let me know.

PPS: . Do we know if this prequel is intended to be a limited series (like the Yellowstone prequel "1883") or a series with multiple seasons? If it's a limited series of 10 episodes, they might be able to get away with two separate storylines that merge in some way only at the end. I just don't think I would find it as intriguing as one that's interconnected.

[liskantope]

Three weeks ago I attended the NYC rationalist Secular Solstice and, as I said back at the time, I've been intending to record something about my experience there like I did the last two times. I'm not sure I have as much to say this time around (or not as much interesting to say), and also some of my memories already aren't as fresh since three weekends ago, but here are some comments about the evening.

First of all, my strong feeling about the whole thing is that, while the solstice event itself is great and well done and worthwhile, just showing up for the solstice event is just not the way to do things: it's only one part of a much larger rationalist "megameetup" which -- I now get the feeling more strongly than ever -- would be really fun and interesting. I was convinced enough of this the previous time to make some effort (limited by the sheer hecticness of my November this past year) to figure out a way to be in NYC for the whole weekend, preferably without paying tons of money for lodging. But I just couldn't figure out any feasible way to do this, in particular because of the timing right around my students' final exams. I wish I had managed somehow, though: the people who attend the solstice event are just so visibly interesting and engaging and overall seem fun to spend a whole weekend with; and I imagine I could learn a ton on rationality- and EA-related topics if I did the Megameetup.

Anyway, I managed to arrive late again to the start of the event (for at least the second year in a row), just because I had too many things to take care of at my home before setting off for NYC, and Hofstadter's Law always applies to my journey to any particular part of NYC. What's funnier is that I also missed the beginning of the "second act" as I got caught up in conversation with several people during the intermission who weren't actually doing the solstice and didn't realize I was, and I didn't realize for a while that Part 2 had begun. I followed the semi-tradition (at least from two years ago) of arriving at and doing the event on no dinner, but some free snacks provided by one of the organizers outside the room helped a lot here.

I found the songs as meaningful as always and recognized many of them -- the main one that's stayed with me since is "Bitter Wind Blown", but there were some others that I remembered distinctly. There was a song I didn't recall from previous programs where part of the chorus was about not being able to "find my tribe, find my tribe, find my tribe", and I found that one spoke to me quite a lot. Altogether I'm ready to forcefully repeat what I've said after previous rationalist solstice events: the content of this music and the vibe of the whole event touches me more deeply than any type of religious service I've been to.

At the same time, I feel that my mind was elsewhere this time perhaps even more than the last time. I was tired (partly just from having rushed for hours to get there mostly on my own steam) and had generally been stressed out for weeks, and somehow the continuity of doing this for the third consecutive year brought up feelings that weren't entirely positive: I feel like my life is in a holding pattern over the past three years, with being at the same non-permanent job and not knowing what the next step is (along with, of course, being perpetually single and having no idea still in my late 30's where to expect my personal life to go). At no moment is this brought to my attention more forcefully than the part where members of the audience are asked to stand up in stages based on their involvement in EA, and there's still not much I can say for myself on that front -- I can't bring myself to do much until I know better what my financial and professional future looks like, and I hope this will change in the near future. Moreover, I began thinking of how this was the first rationalist event I'd been to where I could say that a solid decade ago I already knew and was very enthusiastic about the rationalist movement and had (a decade earlier) dreamed of becoming heavily involved, and ten years later almost none of that has happened -- it's not something I long for in most of my day-to-day life, but there's something inspiring about seeing some of the people at the forefront of the main Northeastern US branch of it in their element organizing stuff. Regardless of all this, for me there's something wonderfully moderately relaxing about singing along with a bunch of mostly-strangers that I still managed to enjoy quite a lot.

A major, major plus to the arrangements this year was that the solstice event was at the same convention center as the entire Megameetup, and in particular this meant that the after party was directly within and outside of the room the solstice ceremonies had taken place in. It's hard to overstate how much easier this made the evening as a whole (especially when compared to my experience two years earlier when I had made the mistake of attending by car!). My time at the after party was still limited, as I had to think about making the journey home without being up most of the night, but I was there long enough to have a bunch of conversations and appreciate how delightfully visibly autistic and rationalist-y and distinctly young-to-early-middle-age the whole crowd was. Again, the after party made me wish I could have spent the whole weekend and actually gotten to know more of the people there.

In terms of meeting familiar faces/handles, I saw a lot of @drethelin, whom I'd gotten to know in person at the previous NYC Secular Solstice (after being acquainted with him from Tumblr and SSC comments sections for most of the past decade). My impression of him as an unfailingly pleasant and affable person has been further cemented. He had to listen to way too much of me grousing over the academic job market and having no idea how things will be for me geographically in a year's time (primarily this was in the context of being able to attend further NYC rationalist events). In addition, I saw a bit of @taymonbeal but didn't speak to him beyond literally just saying hello and almost certainly not giving him enough time to have any idea of who I was. I'm pretty sure that during the event I was sitting directly behind Zvi and his family, but I remembered less about Zvi than I used to back when I was seeing his blog posts regularly (I don't know why I don't anymore) and remember only that I used to follow his Wordpress(?) blog and that I think he gave a speech at the solstice event two years ago. Again, I was at the cusp of cementing a number of new acquaintances, but time didn't allow me to pursue this much. Conversation was always fun and interesting. An unexpected theme was dating prospects for a single guy seeking women in different part of the country (in which several people emphasized the usual wisdom that NYC is the best place for this), which I don't recall actually bringing up myself, which at one point led to advice about how to increase my own dating prospects: I was told to... I think the phrase was "make myself bigger", which was clearly a euphemism for building up the muscles in my upper body (a goal I've already had for a while but am currently barely any closer to figuring out how to do). The gender ratio was not great, and there was definitely (as one may guess from the subject matter just mentioned) a "young-ish nerdy male" vibe in the after party, but most everyone appeared to be enjoying themselves and not to be hiding in their shells, whether a guy or not.

I had quite a journey just to get to the secret free/available parking spot where I had left my car (in a different part of the city altogether), and just around midnight I was buying a gyro for a very late supper from an outdoor seller and thinking over how one day not long from now I may lead a more responsible and tied-down life and feel nostalgia for the time when I could be alone on a public street at midnight in freezing cold getting food. Then I had a very spooky but not-unpleasant-to-look-back-on experience wandering the completely vacant streets of a park near one in the morning looking for my car before I had to make the long drive home (during which, strangely, I managed to stay wide awake much more easily than on the drive there).

I'm tempted to resolve never to attend the NYC Secular Solstice again without attending at least part of the Megameetup or without living closer to NYC, but we'll see. (There actually is a small but not insignificant chance, which I didn't have evidence of three weeks ago, that I may get a job closer to the city than I am now.)

(I kept my name tag somewhere in my home -- it shows my handle on one side and my IRL name on the other, so I guess if I die an IRL people look through my stuff one day they'll figure out I'm Liskantope, although probably there was some way or other to figure out such a thing anyway by looking at what came from my IP addresses or whatever.)

[lavenderhorns]

there's a lot of rage swirling around inside me right now I think, just at how things have ended up where I've done all the "right" things that everyone says you should do, gone to college and followed every bit of resume and cover letter advice, and have gotten literally nothing from literal hundreds of job applications. this feeling of being stuck and unable to move forward in life is certainly not a new one to me but it's been amplified so, so much by the fact that I can't find anything for work and am stuck at my dad's place slowly getting more fed up with him each day. there's a lot of anger in watching all my friends struggling with these same issues, about 3 of my 25-ish friends in town have jobs, previously 5 but two of them just got laid off, one when the entire building of 250+ people was unceremoniously canned. there's a lot of simmering fury in how everyone over 30, from friends to family to strangers to people literally working for the career service attached to the government, that just ignore the labour issues going on not just in general but also specific to my province, yknow how unemployment for people my age without that "2+ years work experience required" is approaching 20%, a number that would cause stammered outrage in any of these people if it actually applied to them, but is just quietly ignored when it only applies to the younger generation I guess. like, what is even the emotion that comes from "jobs are so heavily ingrained in society in capitalism that not having one will kill you in many ways BUT you're not allowed to have one no matter how hard you try" aside from just. I'm so goddamn angry, even though I don't like being angry. and there's really nowhere to direct this anger aside from vaguely in the direction of society and established norms and the government, and there's really nothing I can personally do to drag myself out of this situation. I can apply to thousands of jobs and make the most perfect resume ever, but at the end of the day it's not me who decides if I get the job. it's up to whatever shitty ai garbage program is throwing 99% of applications in the shredder to somehow notice mine which then passes it onto an uncaring hiring manager who just picks the person with the most experience and ignores the other 99 resumes the machine spat out because just about every single job here gets hundreds and hundreds of applications because, get this, no one my age is fucking able to find any work! and throughout all of this I'm just doing my best to deal with the creeping dread of slowly feeling that depression (that I don't like thinking about how close got to killing me back in high school) start to rear its head again because it's getting less and less easy to see any sort of future for myself like this. and this is all on top of the canadian housing market meaning I'm never gonna actually own a home, and every bit of daily necessities has been ruthlessly price gouged to 400% of what it was a few years ago and blamed on "inflation" while rent has skyrocketed because landlords imagined a bigger number, and while just about everyone in the country is angry at the PM because of all this it's terrifying to know that the general population political lean is worryingly conservative, as if that isn't the fucking cause of all this. all while I desperately want to transition more and figure out my personal style and dress the way I really want as if that wouldn't kill any and all chances of possibly making it through a job interview assuming I ever even get one.

and like, things aren't all bad for me right now. I'm not actively going broke yet, I have a wonderful long distance partner, I've been getting better at cooking and digital art and meeting even more local friends (many of whom are trans), and in terms of coming into my own as a person I feel like I've finally been settling into who I am.

but like, it kinda pales in comparison to the job market trying to kill me, yknow?

[savagewildnerness]

Part 2 of VII Ancient Magic, Ancient Mysteries - from chapter 9…

Random TVL thoughts time again....

QUESTIONS:

P441 Q So are vampires’ emotions amplified actually due to the demon in their blood, who so desired to FEEL?  Are there further implications to this?

P465 What do you think Lestat thinks about Vampires as pagan Gods, meeting out justice and drinking evildoers’ blood?  I can’t decide if he’d find something morally fitting in it or find it repellant, and he doesn’t say….

I cringe at how Anne describes Eastern philosophy in this section, but I wonder if the TV show might use the differences between Eastern and Western world views in a more nuanced way?

P468 “"I am immortal," he said, "truly immortal. To be perfectly honest, I do not know what can kill me now, if anything. But that isn't the point. I want to go on. I do not even think of it. I am a continual awareness unto myself, the intelligence I longed for years and years ago when I was alive, and I'm in love as I've always been with the great progress of mankind. I want to see what will happen now that the world has come round again to questioning its gods. Why, I couldn't be persuaded now to close my eyes for any reason.”” - Has Marius ever felt TRULY hopeless?  Well, he will in the future… we know…

P469 Marius tells Lestat he needs to live out a mortal lifetime in order to endure… but on TV he is made 14 years later.  34 is not young.  Mozart died at 35.  Marius says Gabrielle is fine (p471) and can endure as she has lived a life, despite her life being a dismal prison in 99% of ways… so Lestat has lived a life on TV… and so he will not *need* to live out a lifetime in New Orleans as Marius tells him he needs to here.  This seems as though it alters a lot, especially considering Lestat’s Father is also not a motivation for him to go to New Orleans.  Will it merely be as he must get far away from Akasha and Enkil that Lestat will need to go to New Orleans on the show?  Lestat might not even have wandered as a roaming outsider as Marius says if he Nicki lives less time and Lestat goes into The Earth?  So the change is even more striking…

P477 What exactly ought Lestat to learn from watching mortals die?  The cruelty and senselessness of The Savage Garden?

P492 “She and I were walking down a hallway together -- not here but in a place I knew. I think it was a palace in Germany where Haydn wrote his music -- and she spoke casually as she had a thousand times to me. But tell me about all this, what do the people believe, what turns the wheels inside of them, what are these marvelous inventions ... She wore a fashionable black hat with a great white plume on its broad brim and a white veil tied round the top of it and under her chin, and her face was merely beginning, merely young.” - what are the implications of this?  Akasha has planted herself in Lestat’s own memories… It’s very invasive… also Akasha has seen and felt all Lestat has known, loved and experienced, this implies to me…?

Notes:

Bonkers to imagine Alexandria as being only 300 years old!

Immediately when Marius arrives in Alexandria, a “curious feeling” comes over him.  In this section, elders appear to him and Akasha puts thoughts in his mind.  He knows how capable Akasha is to do this with Lestat…

If Marius is turned by Teskhamen, made by Akasha in the first brood - why is he more burned than the elder vampire Marius encounters here, who says he is only 1000 years old (p444) so WAY younger… yet way less burned….?????

Even the old ones question existentially if more vampires ought be made.

P433 Marius talks of feeling the elder’s thoughts, but not being able to hear them - all ties in with TV lore and Madeleine’s words in S2E6.

I didn’t write a huge amount of notes on the first part, but I wrote “Lestattian” over and over again.  Sometimes I worry Marius is *too* like Lestat in how he thinks/. Will this be retained on TV?  Or does Marius need to be more different?

P446 Vampires can hear each other and find each other due to the web/vine of the spirit-blood that connects them… how could this be used on the show?

So many visually striking images of Akasha with Marius and then Lestat!

Why the elder out TWMBK in the sun: “" 'To free myself! To say, "I will keep you no longer. Move. Speak." To see if it was true, the old story, and if it was true, then let us all die in flames.’” P455 & p468 - compare 

“I saw the two possibilities as seductive suddenly -- rousing them or destroying them. Both tempted the mind. I wanted to pierce them and commune with them, and yet I understood the irresistible madness of trying to destroy them. Of going out in a blaze of light with them that would take all our doomed species with it.

Both attitudes had to do with power. And some triumph over the passage of time. "Aren't you ever tempted to do it?" I asked, and my voice had pain in it. I wondered if down in their chapel they heard.”

Interesting that Marius describes that as a mortal he did not know how to kill any living thing… unlike our wolfkiller, Lestat..!

Marius telling the elder he is free reminds me of Lestat telling Armand similar…

They could make Akasha and Enkil so creepy and HORROR vibes, particularly with their existentially terrifying slow movements with time itself passing differently to them; like they are out of time.

Some of Marius’ story feels way more ‘action’ than the ‘existentialism’ of much of TVL.

Pandora knowing what Marius is (p464), is very like Lestat’s dream, (p338) “I’d imagine friendship, conversation, intimacy that we could never have. In some magical and imaginary moment I would say: "But you see what I am," and this human being, in supreme spiritual understanding, would say: "Yes, I see. I understand.””

Love this quote: “"All the stories I have told you are finally as useless as all ancient knowledge is to man and to us. Its images and its poetry can be beautiful; it can make us shiver with the recognition of things we have always suspected or felt. It can draw us back to times when the earth was new to man, and wondrous. But always we come back to the way the earth is now.

"And in this world the vampire is only a Dark God. He is a Child of Darkness. He can't be anything else. And if he wields any lovely power upon the minds of men, it is only because the human imagination is a secret place of primitive memories and unconfessed desires. The mind of each man is a Savage Garden, to use your phrase, in which all manner of creatures rise and fall, and anthems are sung and things imagined that must finally be condemned and disavowed.

"Yet men love us when they come to know us. They love us even now. The Paris crowds love what they see on the stage of the Theater of the Vampires. And those who have seen your like walking through the ballrooms of the world, the pale and deadly lord in the velvet cloak, have worshiped in their own way at your feet.

"They thrill at the possibility of immortality, at the possibility that a grand and beautiful being could be utterly evil, that he could feel and know all things yet choose willfully to feed his dark appetite. Maybe they wish they could be that lusciously evil creature. How simple it all seems. And it is the simplicity of it that they want.

"But give them the Dark Gift and only one in a multitude will not be as miserable as you are.

"What can I say finally that will not confirm your worst fears? I have lived over eighteen hundred years, and I tell you life does not need us. I have never had a true purpose. We have no place.””

Lestat is the very first vampire to go to America, and Louis, the first American vampire!  (Although, Bruce exists on TV, so….)      

I imagined Sam and Rufus Sewell doing these scenes and they were sexy: “"Then come now, with me!" Ah, painful echo of Armand. And of the vain plea from Gabrielle ten years after.

"It's a more tempting invitation than you know," he answered, "but I'd do you a great disservice if I came with you. I'd stand between you and the world. I couldn't help it."

I shook my head and looked away, full of bitterness.

"Do you want to continue?" he asked. "Or do you want Gabrielle's predictions to come true?"

"I want to continue," I said.

"Then you must go," he said. "A century from now, maybe less, we'll meet again. I won't be on this island. I will have taken Those Who Must Be Kept to another place. But wherever I am and wherever you are, I'll find you. And then I'll be the one who will not want you to leave me. I'll be the one who begs you remain. I'll fall in love with your company, your conversation, the mere sight of you, your stamina and your recklessness, and your lack of belief in anything -- all the things about you I already love rather too strongly."

I could scarcely listen to this without breaking down. I wanted to beg him to let me remain.”

#EverydayRomanSexism, Marius on Marius’ views on women *eyeballs to eternity* (p471/2… I shan’t quote it, thanks!)

Quite a few quotes on this section relating to “vampire loneliness”

Interesting that Lestat instantly knows he wants to drink Akasha’s blood to make himself even more immortal… and has just arrived at Marius’ following feeling suicidal (and he shall feel this way again!)

P476 makes me imagine Lestat must be proud on some level when Louis writes the first public account of the vampires, as he has always wanted!

P478 This is why Marius didn’t tell Armand of TWMBK and all of his story “Besides, if these fledglings are children of the Christian god, if they are poisoned as Nicolas was with the Christian notion of Original Sin and guilt, they will only be maddened and disappointed by these old tales. It will all be a horror to them that they cannot accept. Accidents, pagan gods they don't believe in, customs they cannot understand. One has to be ready for this knowledge, meager as it may be. Rather listen hard to their questions and tell them what you must to make them contented. And if you find you cannot lie to them, don't tell them anything at all. Try to make them strong as godless men today are strong. But mark my words, the old legends never. Those are mine and mine alone to tell.””

P480 “We are evil things finally. We are killers. Better that those who unite on this earth be mortal and that they unite for the good.” The show could use this… both comparing to Akahsa and to where they end if they go to the end of all of the books…?

I enjoy how in taking the violin to Akasha, Lestat kind of brings Nicolas to Akasha.  I hate that the violin is broken and crushed and part of me can never forgive Lestat for it… but I also wonder whether in the violin’s destruction…. Does it enable Lestat to let Nicolas go?  (Also, OBVIOUSLY this whole section is Akasha drawing Lestat to her - not Lestat’s action, no matter how guilty he feels.) [Sidenote… if Lestat can play violin so effortlessly… why can’t S2 Louis be The Best Photographer Ever? I mean…. It’s so silly that Lestat could play instantly!]

“And I lifted the violin to my shoulder, braced it under my chin, and lifted the bow. I closed my eyes and I remembered music, Nicki's music, the way that his body had moved with it and his fingers came down with the pressure of hammers and he let the message travel to his fingers from his soul.” Beautifully poetic, if also daft!

Akasha’s mouth is a perfect O which reminds me of Lestat’s first existential crisis in the inn with Nicki “Oh, Oh, Oh!” P56/7

P487 - “I felt the unmistakable sensation of her fangs going into my neck.

Out of every zinging vessel my blood was suddenly drawn into her, even as hers was being drawn into me.

I saw it, the shimmering circuit, and more divinely I felt it because nothing else existed but our mouths locked to each other's throats and the relentless pounding path of the blood. There were no dreams, there were no visions, there was just this, this -- gorgeous and deafening and heated -- and nothing mattered, absolutely nothing, except that this never stop. The world of all things that had weight and filled space and interrupted the flow of light was gone.”

Why don’t vampires make this circuit of mutual blood-drinking more often?  It’s so sexy and feels transcendental… wouldn’t you do it all the time???!?!?

This whole section is such a lovely mix of beauty and horror and will be SO good on TV!!!

P489 “Her presence was all over me like a fragrance, only she had had no fragrance, except that of the incense and the flowers that must have somehow managed to permeate her hard white skin. How strangely fragile she had seemed in spite of that hardness.” - Like Akasha has crawled inside Lestat’s soul…

Lestat apologises over and over, but Akasha made Lestat do this… and Marius knew that this was possible from his own past… and may be part of why he brought Lestat here, no?

The scene where Lestat looks in the mirror I can really imagine on telly…

“I knew that I had come to the most forsaken outpost of the Savage Garden, and that this was my country and I would remain in New Orleans, if New Orleans could only manage to remain. Whatever I suffered should be lessened in this lawless place, whatever I craved should give me more pleasure once I had it in my grasp.

And there were moments on that first night in this fetid little paradise when I prayed that in spite of all my secret power, I was somehow kin to every mortal man. Maybe I was not the exotic outcast that I imagined, but merely the dim magnification of every human soul.

Odd truths and ancient magic, revolution and invention, all conspire to distract us from the passion that in one way or another defeats us all.

And weary finally of this complexity, we dream of that long ago time when we sat upon our mother's knee and each kiss was the perfect consummation of desire. What can we do but reach for the embrace that must now contain both heaven and hell: our doom again and again and again.”

I love this ending and the New Orleans part is also very “I am she, she is me” (or whatever way round that is!)

Also, I think Lestat *is* the (LUMINOUS!) magnification of all our human souls, right…?

[s1nfu7h0r53f7y]

This fandom means so much to me. It came to me during a very bleak point in my life. As much as the Hazbin character I relate to the most would have to be Lucifer, the Helluva character I relate to the most is Blitz because there have been times when I've cast others away in the case the last partner and a mutual friend of ours. It was mainly because I received advice that I did not realize came from a very toxic source as at the time I did not recognize just how possessive and abusive my father actually was. Following that bad break up it, I entered a state of self imposed near-isolation, and soon after quarantine happened. It was extremely painful. Hazbin and Helluva came about a year after the initial isolation started and, it gave me something to cling to, something to look forward to, that gave me a creative drive.

It was not until my father passed from old age and poor health that I was finally able to get away from him, but even then it was only In 2023 that I wasn't able to be borderline isolated anymore due to extenuating circumstances (unable to drive) I could still keep in contact with others I just did not have anyone living with me. It was from last year onwards that I’ve been taking steps to help remedy just how much of a failure to launch situation I've been due to my father's influence. It's been a slow process, but at least now it's starting to bear fruit. I'll actually be moving into a place with roommates hopefully the week after Thanksgiving. The Prevoc program I’m in will be able to help me find some work after I finish some paperwork, so I'll be able to be productive instead of just basically being that SpongeBob situation of “what do you do when I'm gone? wait for you to get back”

During this year the fandom gave me a lot more socially than just what the prevoc training did. As one can imagine from being borderline isolated for so long I wound up developing extreme social anxiety and any progress I had made before the break up had regressed significantly. But earlier this year I began to reach out more on social media. it started simply with Tumblr. I began posting some of my Hellaverse ideas on there, and people responded positively to a lot of it, which was surprising to me. I eventually moved onto Twitter initially thinking that I would just be going there for the art given the admittedly deserved reputation of it being a septic cesspool, thinking I'd basically just be shifting through shit to find the occasional treasures in the form of art. As cliché as it is though, I'm surprised at the absolute gems of people I managed to find on there many of which have gravitated towards Bluesky either completely or partially, which I do not blame them for in the slightest. Made one on there myself to keep up. It's in this fandom that I found so much more for my social anxiety than prevoc training. I'm still very shy and admittedly quite clingy another Blitz and Lucifer esque trait I'm sure. It still boggles me how so many actually want to keep in contact with me, let alone so many talented individuals. I never would've thought the fandom revolving around two shows mostly situated in hell would be basically my own Heaven, or at least Eden. Will never be able to thank you guys enough for that it's crazy to think how my life is turning around so much both in and out of this fandom, and I hope even when this hyperfixation fades, there's still enough to keep us connected together and that I can at least be someone worthwhile for you to keep around as I value all of you. I hope that I can be a bit less clingy in the future too. I would like to reach out more and deepen some of the bond of me but I'm also a bit worried about overstepping or otherwise coming on too strong. If there's ever a point where I'm too much, please tell me.

It's not even much of a stretch to say that with some of you I find a kinship, and I hope that's not coming too strong. Even within the two series themselves there's been much that helped my personal growth. Like the fact that in the earliest of days when I was figuring myself out, Angel became a bit of a comfort character. I was often visualizing him validating my identity, not in a romantic way, just a supportive one. Thankfully the fandom also provided plenty of validation. That meant a lot especially since I can't even get that from some of my family, including my own watered-down Sera esque mother who despite being in the medical profession thinks “You're not actually bisexual and bigender, you're just confused because you're autistic”. The bottom line is to those I know or even just watch in the Hellaverse fandom, I can never thank you enough for what you've been able to grant me and I hope I can grant you at least some of the same joy in turn, and to Viv and the majority of the cast and crew that helped bring these two magnificent series to life, I can never thank you enough either. Here's to the future. Thank you Hellaverse

@metalatias5 @actuallynickels @animatedmau @anneboleyns-wife @heart-of-the-morningstar @sonicwind-01 @puzzledjasper @thetaterdragon

[donnerpartyofone]

This morning I went over to the church to see my favorite guy, who is so often surprising and challenging. He seemed a little out of sorts today, stammering and losing his place; I sometimes worry about this old guy, and I was paying attention. Then at the end of the mass he said that they're having air quality problems in the rectory and the EPA is involved. I hope he's not getting brain damage!

It was sort of funny, though, because the homily was about having trouble focusing--not being able to concentrate, and having anxiety about the future. That was pretty relevant to me, medically and otherwise. I'm writing this on the morning of the new moon, just to be extra flaky, about how much trouble I have forming goals.

Pursuing goals is also hard, but step one should be having a vision, and that's the really impossible part. When I was a little kid I had two ambitions: to be a writer, and to be dead. The latter thing represents one of the main motivating forces in my life, which is pain avoidance. I think this is the chief motivator of many people without them even realizing it; comfort-seeking itself can be a form of pain avoidance. Pain avoidance is not a legitimate goal, it's more of a reflex, and it can become a preoccupying distraction from any kind of actual ambition (especially as fulfilling ambitions often involves some amount of discomfort). Focusing on what you do not want is not equivalent to focusing on what you do want.

I never had a very good idea of what I want. I found this out when I went into therapy as an adult; I couldn't formulate any notion of what I wanted out of life. I couldn't even come up with any masturbatory, pie in the sky fantasies. I might vaguely be able to say something like "a bigger, nicer apartment", but I can't come up with any compelling ideas about what that would even look like. I try, but I know I'm faking it. Certainly part of my interest in religion and occultism is the idea that I could train myself to really clearly conceptualize any kind of goals or desires. In the case of occultism specifically (and, let's be honest, many forms of self-help), visualization is always a key element. In recent years I learned that I am abnormally incapable of forming mental images, and I have come to believe that this is intimately connected to my inability to figure out what I want or how to get it.

Nearly all of my thinking is verbal. I found out what aphantasia was while talking to my dad, who is extremely visual with an excellent grasp of spacial relations (something I have almost no concept of). He was shocked when I said I can't really picture anything, asking me "Then how do you do anything?" He said when he decides to make a sandwich, for instance, he automatically sees himself performing the actions of sandwich-making, and sees the aspirational sandwich in his mind's eye. Visualizing is essential to his entire executive process. It so happens that I am aphantasic and I have a lot of executive dysfunction. I no longer think this is coincidental.

(I'm also very faceblind, and I think this is connected; something to do with the ability to reconstitute a visual memory and relate it to something that is presently in front of me. But anyway...)

Perhaps oddly, I am an artist, or at least I have been. But I've never been able to draw from my imagination, like at all. The best work I've ever done is all swipes; I am a great believer in swipes, it can reveal a lot about your personal style and obsessions and when you re-draw someone else's art. But I can't just sit and think up something fun to draw, even when I try to just doodle I'm usually responding more to the lines I see emerging on the paper than anything I'm thinking or feeling. I think this is related to the fact that I'm an obsessive scopophile; I take in a lot of detail from my environment, and I watch movies with the same attitude and frequency with which most people listen to music. Recently I started to joke that I have an image deficiency and that's why I have to consume huge amounts of visual media, I need the external infusion. But like, it's not that much of a joke, maybe.

In my 30s I randomly developed this condition where scar tissue grows over your corneas, and I had to have a series of freaky eye surgeries. My doctors always asked if I grew up somewhere warm and sunny and windy, if I do a lot of outdoor sports (sometimes this condition is called "surfer's eye"); I thought this was pretty funny since I couldn't be more of an indoor kid, although maybe cycling is somewhat at fault. Still, my preferred diagnosis is that I watch so much trashy and violent crap that it literally scars my eyes. It's as good an explanation as any! And it does have this weird synergy with my other visual problems.

Anyway, it's not as if I've done absolutely nothing with my life. Quite a few personal achievements piled up in just the last couple of years; certainly I've benefited a lot from luck and the good will of others, but nothing would have happened without my own creativity and commitment. I just wish I had more, you know. Vision. I spend too much of my life "taking one day at a time" and waiting for things to happen to me, assuming I don't have much control over my experiences. I'd rather be able to imagine something that I want to happen and act on it; regardless of whether the thing is going to happen, I'd like to be able to formulate a goal other than paying the rent, or like, not waking up and going to sleep in a state of stark terror. I'm not sure how to get myself to that place, but maybe saying that that's what I want can count for something.

Anyway here are some photos of the thoughtfully planted shrubbery from the church. I missed the full bloom of the weeping cherries, but as soon as they die off the shrubs below turn bright red, pink, yellow, and white. It's pretty inviting I must say.

[tellmegoodbye]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you @sznofthesticks for the tag!

How many works do you have on ao3?

10. I used to have around 30, but I orphaned a bunch of my old stuff recently.

What's your total ao3 word count?

112,750

What fandoms do you write for?

Shameless, 911 Lone Star, and hopefully 911 in the future? I really want to but I don't have any ideas atm.

Top five fics by kudos:

I excluded fics that I cowrote, so this is all completely my own writing. These are all more recent too, so this is much more representative of my current writing style.

shut the door and let go

lover, please stay

when all is said and done

our love will guide us home

will the pain stop (if we go deeper)

Do you respond to comments?

I try to respond to as many as I can! Sometimes I run out of words to say (communication has never been my strong suit) but I read every single one and they always make me smile.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

will the pain stop (if we go deeper)

This is the most I have ever projected my personal experience onto a fic. I was going through a breakup at the time and not handling it very well, and writing a breakup fic really helped me cope with it at the time.

I'm doing much better now, and my ex and I are on good terms. Even though the ending to the fic itself was angsty, I'd like to imagine that the characters are doing better now as well.

What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my fics tend to have happy endings, but if I had to pick the most satisfying happy ending it would be lover, please stay.

Most of this fic is pretty angsty, but the ending makes it all worth it I think!

Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully I haven't received any nasty comments. I did receive a kind of weird comment once, but I completely forget what it even was.

Do you write smut?

I never did before I got into the shameless fandom, and then I kind of went crazy with it after that.

Craziest crossover:

I've never written a crossover before. It's not something I've ever considered or even know if I would want to do.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Hopefully not!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Many times with my ex, back when we were still dating. It was a lot of fun and definitely something I'd like to try again in the future! I've always enjoyed collaborating with other people.

All time favorite ship:

Favorite ship I've written for? Tarlos. Favorite ship I've never written for? Tiva, aka Tony and Ziva from ncis. I also love Densi (Deeks and Kensi) from ncis la.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have not written a chaptered fic in years and it is something I would really like to do. I have several ideas including a detective au that I've floated between two separate fandoms, but I still haven't been able to make any progress regarding those wips.

What are your writing strengths?

Angst and introspection! I love getting into a character's head and psychoanalyzing them (I am a psych student, after all 😂) and I also love writing sad shit. I'm a sucker for pain, it seems.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Transitions. We all know them, we all loathe them.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

If it makes sense for the situation/characters, of course! I wouldn't go overboard with it though, since I don't actually speak any other languages myself.

First fandom you wrote in:

Minecraft youtube, but like the old school kind. Around 2014-2015ish. And I physically wrote everything down in little journals. Fanfic was only something that existed in my head at the time until I discovered the likes of ff.net.

Favorite fic you've written:

My most recent fic always becomes my favorite, and that holds true today too!

My push coda, my baby, our love will guide us home.

This is something I'm incredibly proud of, and it's also my longest fic to date and something I wasn't sure I would ever be able to finish. I'm still kind of in disbelief that it's finally real.

Tagging (with no pressure ofc) @strandnreyes @carlos-in-glasses @freneticfloetry @welcometololaland and @lemonlyman-dotcom

I do remember this tag going around a few months ago so if you've already done this, you can either do it again if you want to or just accept this virtual hug from me. 🫂

[hallowed-nebulae]

2025 Writing Goals

I admittedly feel a bit silly posting this, since it's been. . . a hot minute since I actually did things on this blog, but, I may as well make the effort! (this is entirely inspired by @corishadowfang doing the same -- if you like my writing, go look at theirs, especially if you're a fan of kingdom hearts).

i'll be putting this under a cut for sake of post length on dashboard, as i am Well Aware that i ramble, and i imagine i'll be rambling a lot. with that said!

i had a lot of goals and ideas for 2024 - i wanted to write a lot. it's something i'd started to notice, but this year i sat down and had to acknowledge that the times of 2019, 2021, 2022 even when i could sit down and churn out 3k words in one sitting, when i could update chapters semi-consistently every few weeks or so, is entirely gone. both because of my lower levels of energy, being chronically ill, and because of college work picking up, and things of that nature.

things have definitely changed a lot over 2024 -- i'd gotten diagnosed with POTS in late 2023, and this year by talking with my doctor, other friends, i've learned that i probably have EDS, which doesn't help with the energy levels. i'm trying to get better at managing my ambition with writing - that's a major goal, is to not start huge AUs or projects without pacing myself or being realistic about how long those things are going to finish.

another goal, most definitely, is to try to rotate my WIPs, and not just focus on only one WIP at a time. i tried that with crystal verse, last year, and it definitely led to some burnout, between all the exhaustion of everything else. being able to poke at different projects and not feel guilt about that is going to be incredibly helpful, i think.

also, i want to get better at actually working on my WIPs -- take some space every day, or at least every week, to at least add something. i used to have a goal to write 10 words, minimum, ever day, and i think i'll try to adopt that again as a 2025 resolution.

as far as WIPs that i've actually got:

Tempests Verse, my beloved, is over three years old, now. i started this thing in September 2021 and it's still ongoing, can you believe it? Storm Whispers, the current WIP, is going to be on hiatus for the forseeable future, until such time as @beastenraged has the energy or time to work on it again; it's written by both of us, after all, and i don't want to pressure them by writing a whole bunch on my end that they'd have to catch up to.

i do still want to work on this 'verse, though - since Dark Road has finished, i can now properly write out what happened with those sets of events, in this AU, and how they diverged from canon. more elaboration on the ghost xehanort, what happened with bragi, what happened with baldr, how Darkness even possessed xehanort's corpse, all of that. it's exciting, even if i don't know how long writing that fic will take or entirely where to begin. i do really love working with the mobile games, so i'm excited to work on this one, whenever i have the time or energy to do so. i reread all of Tempests Verse and took notes, last year, so hopefully i can be most consistent when writing this one, despite my poor memory.

Crushing Stones Verse! will still be poked on, as always. since it's become my warm-up exercises, writing a chapter of this AU's current WIP before moving to other WIPs once i'm warmed up, it's gotten a lot easier to work on this one. i finished outlining it, also, so while it'll take a good hot minute to finish, there is an actual end in sight! i look forward to working on this project and seeing how anyone reading reacts to some of the twists that happen.

Crystal Verse, my ffxiv AU (which has rambles related to it hidden over on @crystal-verse, my ffxiv blog), will get worked on as well. i'm trying to get better and not have there be an entire 7 months between updates like what happened last year; it's very ambitious, given it's a sort of novelization of, well, all of FFXIV, but i do also have an endpoint for this one -- currently, the plan is to write up to the end of Endwalker, and then stop. (that is, 6.0 -- no patch quests, no Dawntrail, nothing, just the end of the Hydaelyn and Zodiark saga.) given how large FFXIV is, this one will take a long while to finish as well, but i do really love it, so it's worth the work.

Miracles Verse will get its rewrite! to those of you who remember the original version -- please don't mention it, and i ask of you to simply read the rewritten versions with open minds. to those of you who've never heard of this au before -- good, the original was my first "got too ambitious and scrapped the project when i failed to execute it the way i wanted", so i'm hoping to do this story justice with the rewrite. this one will also take a long while, most likely, as i'm planning on using multiple digimon canons here, but i'm confident that as long as i rotate my WIPs and outline decently, i'll be in good hands.

Red Scales Verse, a new au of mine, is my first major RWBY au! you have @cheeseandcake-from-ao3 to thank for this AU, as they provided the initial idea, and have rambled with me long enough for me to decide to write this as an entire proper AU. no idea how large this project will be, we'll likely go to post-V9 for this one (and if V10 ever gets greenlit then who knows, we could adapt that one into this AU as well). i've only recently gotten into RWBY, so i'm not sure how well this will be received, but hey, who am i if not someone who writes niche fics that are for me and me only, right? (this AU begins with the premise of: what if ruby rose, and summer rose, were wyrms akin to the story of the king lindwyrm? and then things diverge and stick to canon in different ways from there)

i want to make room for more oneshots, also! i've got a couple that i'm poking at, one for RWBY and one that's for digimon frontier, but i miss just -- writing oneshots. writing a thing and being Done with it, and not having to plan for another chapter or work in the series or whatnot. i miss oneshots and want to do that more. so, that's what i'll try to do this year!

with all of that said -- please look forward to seeing more of the various WIPs, and if you have any questions feel free to ask! it's a bit ambitious this year, but i'm trying to be ambitious in a different way than i was last year, and hopefully will be kinder to myself as far as writing.

good luck to everyone else, in 2025, and may your writing be whatever it is that you desire to get done

[archaeren]

Hi Ren,

it's lavenderlight over from ao3!

I'm crossing my fingers that the infamous tumblr-ask-box-situation won't swallow my message! xD

I hope I'm not overstepping (and I don't expect a reply) but I just thought I'd check in - I know you've got discord but I don't think I have the spoons currently to make an account lol

So, good old tumblr it is :D

Anyway - I wanted to wish you happy holidays and let you know that I've been thinking of you (and your depiction of Chui ( 〃▽〃) ) and that LC:LS meant quite a lot to me over the past year - and continues to mean a lot to me.

Honestly, I keep thinking (constantly!!) about all of the chapters so far, imagining how the story might unfold in the future -

So, yeah. I hope you're doing alright and I'll look forward to any possible updates!! <3

Wishing you nice company, a warm blanket and a hot drink of your choice for the holidays!!

OMG hello!! You're not overstepping at all, this is so sweet aaaaa!! <3 <3 <3 I don't know how to say that it means a lot to me that the story matters to you so much. I look forward to your comments on every chapter SO MUCH, they're so thorough and thoughtful, every one of them is like a little gift. I'm so curious what other kinds of things you find yourself thinking about the chapters so far and the ones that have yet to come! It really does mean a lot to know someone else is thinking about it so much. It's a rarepair--the number of English language authors including the migikisa ship at all (let alone focusing on it) can be counted on one hand!--in a tiny fandom. (Someone recently asked me about how many longfics were in the Eng JJ fandom and I was able to rattle off all their titles and author names... because there are only three of them, and one of them is mine. XD) In such a niche pairing, it's easy to feel lonely, especially as one of the sole creators for it. You can't help but wonder sometimes if other people think you're weird or even annoying for being so invested. It can feel isolating. So for someone to say it means that much to them... it's really validating. <3 I got a bit sidetracked lately by doing fanart instead of writing, which is most of why I haven't updated recently. The art brain has a stranglehold on the writing brain! (I started writing again on Friday so I could update on Sunday and then on Saturday I was gripped by the drive to draw Chui as a character from Cult of the Lamb and that consumed my entire weekend... oops.) Actually, you're the one that inspired that art shift. It was that comment you left on Chapter 14, where you mentioned reading a quote that said, “People hate their own art because it looks like they made it. They think if they get better, it will stop looking like they made it. A better person made it. But there’s no level of skill beyond which you stop being you. You hate the most valuable thing about your art.” I thought about that a lot after you said it and it really changed my perspective on my own art. I draw more now than I have in years, and I usually even like what I draw! Even though I can still see its flaws and still see my own influence on it, I've really made a lot of peace with that. It's been really eye-opening and empowering. I really want to get an LC:LS update out today or tomorrow because we're finally hitting the winter performance and the timeline of coinciding with IRL Christmas is just too good. I wish I could post one today and one tomorrow for the timing but I'm not sure I'll have time to finish them both and I'm not sure people would have time to read them anyway! I will probably content myself with one. XD Anyway, if you ever do decide to make a discord I would love to talk more! You can also just lurk in the server that's linked on LC:LS, though I feel like you would be a great addition to the culture c: Thank you so much again for messaging and I hope you have a wonderful holiday (with a few moments to spare for thinking Chui thoughts! I know I will be, hehe <3 )

[asterjennifer]

I'd like to talk about not wanting children.

A topic that really isn't spoken about enough, to the point it's hard to imagine I'm not alone with that mindset.

People always tell you, especially when you have a partner, that "in my age" ( 21) they didn't want them either. And that it'll come with the ages.

But I mean it when I say it. It's not just the typical "not right now at least" or "Nah not really interested" type of thing.

It's an actual fear for me.

I fear pregnancy the same way I also fear sexual assault, that is the same panic that spreads through my chest when only thinking about these things.

I don't know where that expressive fear comes from — might be trauma, might be personal priorities. All I know is that the mere thought makes me consider (rather want even though I'm not sure I could) I'll get rid of my life.

My reasons are something I've been discussing with my boyfriend before.

Worrying, since he'd like some maybe, at least one day, that he'll leave me because I don't.

So he asked me about it.

I have my reasons.

As a slim and thin girl, I've had to get the premature birth needles even though I was born at the right time.

I'm fragile to the point I don't believe my body could handle this kind of task in a healthy manner.

And if I lose my life, or my health for another person... Will I be able to enjoy parenting when knowing they either ruined my own life, or ruin that of the people around in case I would die?

The world is becoming expensive where someone like me, someone from a more poor background, thinks about children twice.

Children are unbelievably expensive.

And I want to persuade my career instead of a family.

I want to make a good living. Provide for my mother when she is older without worrying about a child.

I wish to have my own place, animals and make lots of travels with my saved money.

Persuade a career I love and live my life for myself.

The earth sadly gets destroyed and the aftermath of global warming already settles in today.

How could I not feel selfish knowing that these conditions will get worse from here on out, yet think I want my child to grow up in a climate disaster affecting their lives in every way.

How do I know I'll be a good mother? The thought of growing an human being is a lot of responsibility I don't trust myself with.

I have a little brother, and I'm neglecting him already. Depsite me loving him.

So how do I know for a fact it won't happen to my own child?

If I'd be a mother, I want to be a good one. But if I cannot trust myself to do it, then why shouldn't I listen to my intuition.

We talked about these. And he had points, too.

Adoption is something he brought up and I feel already much more okay with that.

We're overpopulated and so many poor children, who are not to blame for their fate, seek a good home. I understand that.

We talked about the raising part. How he says I'd be a good mother and he would give his all to be a good father.

He wants to be someone who has a well-payed job. He doesn't think I'd have to worry about these.

But how do you know the future? And for a fact this will be the case?

He agreed to some of my points, as I understood that he's right in some as well.

It scares me to think I'll be judged by people for deciding this.

But he respects it.

“What if one day, you want them so badly you leave me...?”

I asked him one evening. And he replied softly.

“I can't calm your fear in that regard as I don't know what will happen in the future... But right now we are going the same path. All I want is to be happy with you.”

Was his reply.

To all women out there:

If you don't want children and have your reasons, don't think you're alone.

Although we always see happy family's on the internet, and that often being portrayed as the goal in life — it doesn't have to be yours too.

Don't give up on your decision for someone else. And don't let people talk you into guilt.

You have nothing to but guilty of.

The only people who are guilty are the ones bringing bias into the world and who make their children miserable.

[sourbinnie]

4:18

je t'attends là sous la pluie | san x gn!reader fluff | on s'est plu comme si c'était écrit

a/n: i took french for three months and this is all i got ok, also i'm sorry about the short imagines (more like thoughts) i've been busy studying and you know dozing off.

i could see a figure through the curtain. it caught my attention all of the sudden as i was spacing out and not being able to focus on my book at all. as nice as french literature was, i sometimes dozed off to other planets where i imagined myself in different scenarios. but right now all my focus was somewhere else and it was my curtain to my house. there was no one home and i was the only one who could see it, curiosity killed the cat, some would say but i was tempted to move the curtain out of the way and just see what it was all about.

i could also hear some mumbling, a familiar voice invaded my ears but i could not place who it was. i decided to end the doubting cycle as i placed my hand on the handle at the door and sighed to myself 'cause this could be the most awkward thing i ever would have to witness. what if it was just some stranger looking at my house? or the mailman? or whatever (y/n) don't open the door, don't-.

"(y/n)? so this is your house?" i heard as soon as i opened the door and if the butterflies weren't there before, they sure as hell were present now. in all of it's glory there stood san and i could not do this today but then i realized it was raining so my first instinct was to grab the umbrella that we left hanging at the door and open it to talk to him outside. "you're so considerate, i totally forgot it was going to rain today."

considerate, i can't believe i was gonna blush because of this.

"what are you doing here? you're gonna catch a cold!" i said and if i didn't sound like a mother before when i was working in kq, i sure did now. that's exactly how we met, i used to be one of their managers but the future had other plans for me and i had to move to another company, separating me from my favorite boys and from my long time crush choi san. i know! it's so cliche but i do not write the story.

"i don't really care if i do, i'm on break right now and i needed to see you. it's been so long." he said smiling and oh god the dimples, the death of me every time i saw them. i smiled back trying not to make a fool of myself but you know how it is with nervousness around people you like. 

"it has! let's go for a walk?" i said, clearly not thinking straight because you know the rain. but to my surprise he took my hand and led me on as a sign of approval, fingers meeting each other as i took in how his hand was so big compared to mine. why the hell was i thinking that right now? and why was he holding my hand? either way i was gonna enjoy the feeling while it lasted.

"so what have you been up to? a new comeback on the way?" i asked curiously even though i already knew the answer. it was literally everywhere, on my feed, on the street, every single part of the country knew about the ateez comeback and if they didn't they lived under a rock. 

"yeah i'm enjoying my last days before the promotions." he said and i could see those dimples again, it literally melted my heart to see him so happy. "how's the new job? well i mean company."

"it's good, it pays good and the groups are really nice but they don't compare to you guys." i said which brought him to squeeze my hand a little tighter and if this what it was like to actually fall in love in such a pretty way then i don't know what i was gonna do. he was holding the umbrella to cover me more than him and we walked in such a safe & sound way that every step i fell a bit harder for the man i was right now. "i just miss what i had, i was used to it but i guess i'll have to adapt myself to the new life i have someday."

"i just wish you had stayed but i know it wasn't the right decision to hold you back like that." he said and i felt my heart leave my chest for a moment to explode because come on, if he wasn't the perfect man i don't know who else it could be. 

"i sometimes wish i had stayed too just because i miss the familiarity, the boys, the crew and mostly you." i can't believe i said that. i looked down as i couldn't face him but he just smiled brightly as he closed the umbrella slowly. pulling me closer to him and meeting me in the most perfect kiss, feeling the small drops land on my face and in my hair as my arms were wrapped around his neck instantly and the kiss deepened. i couldn't help but smile and blush at him taking initiative so suddenly and abruptly but it somehow made sense knowing it was san. it went with his personality the way he kissed with such passion but also so much love & sweetness with a hint of mint.

"i miss you every day but we can change that right? and also it won't be unprofessional to see each other since we work in different companies." he said with a cheeky grin and i just sighed as i was so fucking in love with this man as if it wasn't clear enough. i nodded but then i wondered.

"what would that make us?" i asked curiously and he shrugged, taking my hand again.

"i'll be fine with whatever label you decide because as long as i have you, i'll be happy."

[softpine]

@bb-enablefreebuild it's true, but asa says it himself, "I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have everything a person could want and a better family than some could ever imagine - but it’s not enough for me. I don’t know why. I want to be happy, but I don’t know how." it was important for me to include that part in there, because that has nothing to do with finn – well, only a little bit in that he knows he can come across as ungrateful given that his family is incredibly supportive and some people's families, like finn's, are the opposite. otherwise, this is entirely centered around asa's internal feelings. he's had depression nearly his entire life, it's just that when finn is around he's able to find reasons to take care of himself (going outside for long walks, sleeping regularly, paying attention in class because finn tells him to, taking his meds, etc.) and without finn there to ground him, asa is falling apart for more reasons than one. so yes it's the heartbreak of losing your first love, but it's more than that for him. it's losing the primary reason for living in the moment and looking forward to the future :(

he will be soooooooo pissed :( we'll have to wait and see if asa tells him the truth (or the full truth) about how he got to this point... especially after everything asa said in this post; he KNOWS finn wouldn't approve of any of his actions thus far, but he keeps digging his grave deeper and deeper because he's already gone too far, he's already broken finn's trust and he can't leave things like this now :(

that tag is so funny, i wasn't even referring to myself in Sim God terms i was just mad at him as if i'm a powerless reader like the rest of you jfkjsds and YEAH poor casper :( he'll come up in one of the next posts so i don't want to say too much, but the fact that his worst fear is missing out on something important while he's away, to the extent that he's calling constantly to check on his family is so..... :(

bro yes 🤭

thank you for sharing!! that makes complete sense to me and that's a really sweet way to incorporate your mom in that decision 🥺

RIGHT he needs the sense knocked into him fr

@forgotten-pixels ahhhh i love this question, i was JUST thinking about mac while i was making vegan chili mac the other day fjkjsds i'm actually going to save this in my inbox and take some pictures for you when i have the energy because i miss mac and honey too :') they're always hanging out in the same room while i'm taking screenshots, they just NEVER make it into any good pics. it's actually a curse i swear

i honestly have no idea, i'm sorry 😭 it'll probably be awhile though, i haven't been doing great tbh but i want the next post to look as good as it does in my head so i don't want to half ass it!!

@itsalwaysgonnabeher oh you caught that huh sjfkjsds don't worry (yet) 💖

@little-orphan-ant I'M SORRY 😭 i'm thinking brandi wtf at all times too lmao

omg okay so i'm saving this message in my inbox for later because i KNOW for a FACT that i listed everyone's favorite candy many years ago but tumblr's search function is so incredibly ass and i don't have the energy to keep searching for it right now but i will find it eventually i promise 🥺 and if not i'll just rewrite it and then when i inevitably find the original post we can compare my answers and see how well i know my characters' tastes fjksjds

absolutely yes i'm afraid 😌

in my head i still have to sound it out sometimes if it's been forever since i've typed her name fjksjds

@rebouks thank you so much 🥺🥺 the same goes to you!!! 💖

@moonfromearth thank you!! it's so sweet you thought of me ;-; 💗

[lockandkeyhyena]

hey, reaching out to you as a csa survivor who was abused in a very similar fashion to the victim in your hell story (though my abuser was an older student rather than a teacher) sending this on anon because ummmm anxiety haha

i dont really have much to say other than i think what you're writing is very important and needed. i personally had a really difficult time with the idea of a story that centers a possible "redemption" (for lack of a better term) of an abuser. it brought up an inner conflict that i've been dealing with in my head for a long while between a big part of my values being "restorative justice is absolutely the way to go and endless punishment will not help anyone" and the the angry, broken child within who keeps clawing at me and wailing "i hope they suffer and burn for eternity for what they've done to and took from me"

i suppose my hurdle is that the thought of seeing my abuser as anything more than a monster that took advantage of me is really really difficult, and something i still struggle with to this day. i'd much rather think of them as a demon that lurks in my memories rather than a person who is still alive and breathing today. that thought is just unbearable to me.

but stories like this and related topics have forced me to think genuinely to myself if i would actually feel better if i knew that they were being tortured for eternity for what they've done. it feels like such an elementary concept that has been taught time and time again (a victim's burning want for revenge and the impact such an angry mindset has on any possible healing is a concept that im exploring in my own story) but its one that i keep returning to with no definitive answer. im slowly beginning to land on the conclusion "no matter what i do or what becomes of them, what happened happened and i cannot dig at or punch or scream at the past to get it to change. all i can do is focus on myself, my future, and healthy ways to heal from it. i will never forgive them for what they did to me but i can only hope that wherever they are, they aren't hurting anyone else."

there's still a small but vocal part of me that hopes they die in the worst ways imaginable, but conversations like these and the media that sparks them allows me to realize that despite how awful and disgusting they are, abusers are still human. their actions cannot and should not be justified, but they're still human. and even though that thought process is still very difficult for me to fully comprehend - and i will never not hate an abuser, and i will never forgive them either - being able to examine beyond their actions and why the gut reaction of dehumanization can be destructive in multiple ways is important.

wow i did NOT mean to write this much haha im really sorry for putting an essay in your inbox, i just figured that getting a survivor's perspective and what type of inner conflict a story like this can spark in us would be valuable to you in some way. sorry if this is incomprehensible i have a lot of Feelings about it clearly.

but tldr this is a long-winded way of encouraging you to continue with this project. your intentions are clearly good and its obvious that you plan to handle this topic in a brutally honest yet respectful way, which is honestly all i can ask for lol

this is. just so kind, thank you so much for your words of encouragement <3 it means tons to me. this story is very special to me and i plan to handle it in the most responsible way i can

[toasted-leaf]

My experience taking meds

So, I've started taking antidepressants for the first time a couple weeks ago. And it has been an interesting experience.

The first change I noticed was a subtle one. Before, whenever I wasn't experiencing emotions or in a depressive/anxious episode, the way I'd feel in my most neutral state was "numb". I felt like I was inside my own body experiencing the world with a certain distance from my eyes, like I was living but through a screen. After I started taking the medicine I began to feel a little more "awake", like I'm truly experiencing things first hand now. It left me questioning "so that's how everyone else lives?" and it has been something fascinating to think about.

When I read or hear about other people's experiences taking antidepressants, their positive descriptions are usually extremely positive, like something shifted in their mind and they finally feel at peace with themselves, like they finally have the energy and motivation to actually do stuff. For me, it feels a bit bittersweet. I'm still in the first few weeks of the treatment so my body is still adapting, probably next month me and my psychiatrist will see if we need to change either the dose or the medication to have better results.

For the past 24 years (my entire life), melancholy was my default emotion, to the point where, at times it didn't felt completely negative, but more like a very close friendship. The first actual book I've read as a kid was the "A Series of Unafortunate Events" at the age 10 and, even though the story if full of disgraces and not a single happy moment, it felt weirdly comforting to me. My whole life I've been using dissociation and fantasizing about stories and different worlds in order to cope with reality. As a consequence, very rarely I felt bored because if for any reason I had nothing to do, I could just switch to being inside of my own head and continue the fantastical narratives I've been creating and farming for myself.

I was always a bit detached from the world. Whenever I had a pausing moment, whether in class, in between interactions (or even during them!), during car rides, at home... you name it; I was always half living the moment and half inside my own mind.

However now that I'm feeling fully awake at all times, I've found myself bored way more often. It started to feel unnatural to shift inside my imagination during the day (and night). I wouldn't exactly say my creativity is gone, I still have ideas and am able to put them into paper, but completely shutting myself into them and getting the same intense feeling of being engolfed, being swallowed and fully experiecing those narratives inside my head is much weaker now. Is that how people usually live?

It feels weird. Now I think I understand why people seek out social interactions so much. Cause if that's how they experience the world, then they get bored a lot more often than I initially thought. They too seek emotions and narratives for themselves, but in a very different way than I used to. For the longest time I could have those by simply shutting myself into my own thoughts. It's much harder to get them this way right now, but I'm still seeking it.

It's been around 2 months since I wrote this, I decided to post it because I stumbled the doc in my computer and thought it would be something interesting to share if there's anyone out there going through the same thing (and for me to have it saved somewhere to go back and read it in the future). I'm more adapted into the medicine now that it has been a while taking it and my experience with it has been mostly positive!