#even tho the lyrics still make me uncomfortable

[goodnightwindy]

controversial tally hall opinion incoming. i actually kinda like two wuv as a song

[k0yaz]

https://www.tumblr.com/k0yaz/758473618729615360/arlecchino-x-married-man-reader-please-oh-wait

Pause- this gave me a vision

Good Luck, Babe! by C.R lyric angst fic Arlecchino x Reader 😼

With happy ending tho 🔫

Like Reader married some mf from the male species when her and Arl were younger (18-20) because she was in denial abt her feelings for Arl and married him as a ‘f u, I totally love men’ but even after a few years Arlecchino can still tell she’s MISERABLE

Wait- double the angst and make Reader someone who’s known for being smart, powerful and just super cool in general but her husband is constantly trying to make her be seen as just his wife and never acknowledges any of the amazing things she does ☹️

I told you so.

Pairings: arlecchino x fem!reader

CW: sfw, female reader, modern au, angst, comphet, more than usual swearing, girls kissing bro why is this even a warning it’s obvi, sexism, misogyny, bad husband ewwww, arle’s real name used at the very beginning, mentions of ugly ass guy inappropriately touching without consent ew, arguing, mild violence, fluff at end, not proofread.

A/N: needed to desperately write this my girlkisser ass is in code red rn cause of my parents 💀‼️ ALSO I DONT LIKE HOW THIS CAME OUT IT SUCKS 🕯️

“I don’t! I could never be into girls, Peruere!”

Back flush to the roughened couch, your aching body stretched backwards into a domed arch as your arms flailed out for leverage. Those words you had so foolishly uttered all those years ago echoed over and over in your brain like a broken record, clouding your mind like a plaguing guilt weighing down every waking moment of your life that followed. You let out a defeated sigh, the exhale dragging out longer than it should have to the point where you felt as if your own breath had tickled your lower lip. The small rush of air…it reminded you of when you felt Arlecchino’s breath gently caress the side of your face as her lips hovered over your cheek, her looming frame inching closer and closer to you as you reciprocated.

Everything. Everything reminded you of her.

The crimson lipstick resting atop the bedside table, the intoxicating scent of the perfume she always used to wear—being inhaled so deeply by you to the point where it tickled the tightened crevices of your throat. You’d spray a little on your pillows often as well, the dizzying smell with a hint of fresh roses accompanying the comfort it burned into you, and helping you fall asleep often. After all, sleeping turned into more of a hobby whenever you found yourself sharing a bed with the said “man of your dreams.”

His weight bundled onto the side of the bed situated beside you only sent a pit of sickness bubbling up within you, teeth gritting as you would lay on your side. The silky pillows enveloped your head as your nightgown loosely covered your body, hand slipped below the side of your head as you faced away from your husband. Sleeping with that man was nothing short of a clawing nightmare. Every damn night, you’d uncomfortably writhe within the blankets draped over your shoulders as you silently prayed for him to fall asleep as soon as possible, the wait getting so awful over all these years that you’d always count the digital clock situated atop the bedside table next to your head.

10:01…10:02..10:03..10:04. Finally.

The earliest he’d slept was 10:04. Giving you enough time to get lost in your maelstrom of guilt and ambiguous thoughts piled up within you.

The dotted red glow of the broken numbers displayed on the clock beside you illuminated the corner of your face dimly, eyelids low as you mindlessly gazed at the smooth wood of the table your head almost shifted onto after nearly falling off the pillow. Archons. You fucking miss her. You miss Arlecchino so much it hurts. You wish that you didn’t marry this awful, entitled man child just to prove a point that only consisted of you placing another mask of suffering upon yourself to conceal your truth. A mask that was cracked and easy to see through anyway. His irritating snores continued to buzz along the vicinity of the room, sounding more like a rumbling growl shaking the bed to be frank.

You hated him, to put it simply. You only married him to prove that you couldn’t fall in love with a girl. He was the one that was at the other end of the table with his chin resting on his hand as he gazed at you in a covetous manner, cocky grin pasted onto his vile face. The was the first suitor you thought would accommodate to your delusion.

“(Name) will you marry me?”

Each syllable hung in the air for an extended in a way that made you want to choke, blood rushing to every part of your body to seep into your sunken heart. With a stiff nod, your shaky hand slowly inched forward palm down, veins protruding along the tightened flesh as you fought the urge to hold it back and prevent him from grasping it. Swallowing back a sob, your bottom lip quivered between your teeth as his rugged hand dragged along your skin, tainting it with his unkempt, rough touch. Heads of goosebumps blistered along your hand as the freezing metal circled your ring finger tightly, suffocating your finger between the tight ring like a corset. He didn’t even bother to affirm your size. But you knew full well that she would’ve made sure that ring slipped seamlessly in perfect fit.

The gyrating ceiling fan above you whirled in rapid motions as the cool breeze emitted from it brushed along your skin, all the way up to fluffing your hair. Your eyes remained lifessly tracing the swift afterimages of the fan as you lounged on the couch, not minding your husband’s exasperated complaints piling up one after another with each venomous word he spoke.

“(Name). I told you to make me dinner when I got home from work, so where the hell is it? I’m fucking starving over here you good for nothing whore!”

Your brows furrowed together at his degrading words, face scrunching up with prominent wrinkles of irritation adorning your features. Upper body carefully elevating off the arm of the couch, you brought your palm to your forehead, before pinching the bridge of your nose with a sharp inhale. Silence swallowed the room from your lack of response to his insolent remarks and insults, only cut through by his heavy breathing vibrating against his throat. Clearing your throat finally, you were able to articulate your words in the small window of time you had before he could cut your off once more. Even the mere scratch of clearing your throat felt relieving once he ceased to speak, feeling as if there was a pass way of freedom which released you from the cage of his grasp.

“I’m exhausted. Cook your own dinner, I physically and emotionally can’t do this right now.” You replied coldly, collapsing back down onto the couch into your returned comfort as the fluffy cushions pressed flush against your spine. His face only contorted into anger, slightly reddened like an unstable child rather than a grown man. “You’re my wife. You’re supposed to cook for me! That’s your job not mine!” He bit back, hands folded over his chest and gaze staring daggers into your relaxed form.

Tilting your head over to his upright figure, you simply cocked an eyebrow, staring back at him with heavy lidded eyes as if he was just a mutt ordering you around.

“I’m not only your wife, you know. I’m my own person. I don’t have to cater to everything you want.”

“You know that you’re inferior to me. Ever since we got married that’s how it should’ve been! But no you had to go do your own little thing!”

“Then how should it be? Come on enlighten me.”

Your annoyance began elevating to a boiling point with each little thing he spat at you, every remark of inferiority made you fall further and further into a hole of sorrow and anger as he spoke each revolting “truth” about his twisted views. You couldn’t help but grasp the fabric of the cushion below you forcefully, wrinkling the fabric in every direction with your husband’s endless remarks spilling from his undignified lips.

“And once a woman is married to a man, they become his wife, and his wife only!”

Slamming a hand down onto the couch, you rose to your feet in one quick motion, glaring up at your husband’s wrinkled face of rage. Letting out a quick huff, you only took in the simmer of the broken air conditioner enveloping the silence once more as a means to tranquillize your boiling anger, breathing ragged as your heart rate skyrocketed from everything you bit back through the course of the argument.

“…I’m going to bed.”

“This early? I wanted a night with you (Na-)”

“You’re not fucking getting one.”

You winced slightly, hunching your shoulders as your skin grew hot from discomfort. Closing your eyes, you only braced yourself for the string of unending curses spewing from your husband’s mouth. Simply, you lowered your gaze as everything surrounding you was manually shut out. Mind enveloped in a pitch black void of emptiness, the only noise flicking at your cold ears being the unnerving ticks of a clock.

How much longer would you have to endure this?

The floorboards only sang out a ghastly creaking noise as you set your foot down upon each elevating slab of wood, the faint yet evident noise reminding you of the man below you having his eyes utterly fixated on your every move like a hawk eyeing its next catch. It was nothing short of disturbing and unsettling for you. Slowly, you made your way over to the entrance of your unfortunately shared bedroom, pushing open the heavy door with a fervent shove.

You couldn’t help but finally take in a deep breath as you flopped down onto the bed, body comfortably sinking into the plush of the silk mattress accommodating your exhausted self. Head still continuing to swirl with a wave of unresolved emotions, and a caged feeling confining to gnaw at you endlessly, you reached into your left pocket to whip your phone in front of your face. Rolling over onto your stomach, you thumbed aimlessly through the various contacts rowed out along your glowing screen, scrolling until you found the one you were looking for.

The contact you are calling does not exist.

Shit.

You just stared at Arlecchino’s inactive contact with deadpan, hopeless eyes, blinking twice to process it once more. You truly couldn’t reach her could you? Having lost all hope, you simply set aside your phone as it fell flat onto the wood with a knock, and you rolled yourself onto your back to combat the pure insanity of your fate enveloping you.

“I told you so.”

The already wrinkled bedsheets below you only bundled together further as you swayed onto your back and side alternately, holding the pillow up to your face with a muffled yell. Her words only continued to return to you with every moment you were awake, perhaps even in death your regret wouldn’t cease to eat away at you for locking yourself into this awful pact. Dim slivers of pale light brightened the left half of your face, glowing from the burning lamp on the table as you squinted upon the sudden flood of light blinding you.

The one thing you longed not to hear at this moment was your husband’s footsteps drawing closer and closer to the bedroom, heavily bellowing against the floorboards. Remaining on your side, your arm tightened slightly from the pressure of your torso cushioning it into the mattress, the mattress sinking deep upon your husband making his way beside you on the bed.

“(Name). Turn off that light.” He grumbled. The stinging odor of his excessive cologne only caused you to choke back a retch, gagging from the pungent smell assaulting your nostrils. You merely decided that he wasn’t worth any more trouble, and you remained too exhausted to even snap back at such a childish individual. Slowly, you reached over to clasp the handle of the switch, thumb fitted against the teardrop shaped steel of the end. For a moment you hesitated, gaze flickering behind you for a brief second—only to catch his eyes tracing your every move. In a sudden, burly voice, he cleared his throat to speak to you, tone remaining arrogant around you as if he had authority over you.

“Tomorrow we’re going to some big event with a few rich people here and there, nothing much. Dress nice tomorrow, we leave at 3 pm.”

You scoffed, squinting your eyes back at him while your body remained facing away. Of course. As always he goes and makes decisions for the both of you without even considering your words or plans.

“And you’re telling me this now?” You retorted, cocking an eyebrow while sharp breaths emanated from the man beside you, indicating his loss of patience. Not that he had any to begin with. “I can do what I want, bitch. Try not to embarrass me with your usual displays of arrogance, ‘kay, (Name)? There’s gonna be a couple rich people there.” Rolling your eyes, you only delivered a small nod in response, not wanting anymore trouble especially when you desperately needed some rest. “Yeah.”

Finally, your tugged down onto the cord of the lamp, the pale yellow light dimming and blowing out completely. Your husband was completely knocked out by the time you lowered yourself onto your side, facing away from him. Rumbling snores reverberated throughout the room, ringing in your ears repeatedly as you folded the edges of your pillow over either side of your head in an attempt to block out every noise.

It wasn’t too early in the morning, rather the darkness spread out within the frame of the window accompanied by the low glimmer of light outlining the moon suggested it was sometime in the middle of the night still. Deep quakes of breathing racked the vicinity the moment you took in your surroundings, alerting you awake altogether. Of course. It was him again. Letting out a subtle, quiet groan, you buried your face into your cupped palms, fingertips tracing along the flat of your forehead as you cloaked your face within your hands.

Was this all you were now? Nothing more than his trophy wife just like he wanted?

A light buzz from your phone lit up the device, making its glowing screen noticeable from the corner of your groggy eyes. You leaned over, inspecting the notification you had received so late at night. There was a single gray bar with the calendar icon in a box to the left of it, the lines: “Rich people dinner at 3” displayed along the margins of the bar. Great. Not only does he set notifications on your phone without asking, but he also doesn’t even formally address the dinner. You simply sighed, breath shaky as you constantly found yourself struggling to come to terms with your current reality clawing at you.

—

“(Name) come on! We’re gonna be late and the fancy pricks’ll look at us like we’re broke!”

You scrunched up your upon hearing him calling you like a barbarian, your dress halfway hitched up to make a few adjustments for a good fit. Loud bangs against the door only heightened your brewing annoyance, causing you to manually drown out his calls as another screeching white noise in the background. The silk of the dress tightly fitted your figure, framing every inch of you and hugging each blooming curve of your body. You hunched your shoulder forward, turning to your side to inspect the dress as a smile crossed your face. For once you felt quite confident in yourself rather than sulking about your husbands antics.

It didn’t take long for you to suddenly be snapped out of your daze as the and of the door swung open against the wall, revealing your husband with his arms folded in the doorway. You nearly choked on your own breath, coughing in shock as the sudden thud of wood banging against the wall had startled you, making your body jolt.

“Well, you look like a snack don’t you?” He sneered, causing you to instinctively brush your hands along your elbows as you folded your arms, physically recoiling from his forward advances. You thumbed at the fabric anxiously, sucking in a breath of fearful anticipation with each step he took. That was until his arm grasped at the dip of your waist tightly, fingers digging in as if he wasn’t going to let you go. There wasn’t much you could do besides hold your breath as you felt yourself being pulled against him, perturbation screaming at every single mental alarm, every possible sense you had before yanking away from him to fix the front of your dress.

“Please. Enough. You said we’ll be late, right?”

He only flashed you a grin, taking your hand in his, which you almost immediately yanked away from.

“Yeah. Get in the car. Remember no smartass remarks. And if anyone asks, you’re my wife. Nothing more.”

You averted your gaze at his statement, only walking over to the door of the sleek rental car before climbing into the back seat. No way you were about to get into the passenger seat next to him. Once you seated yourself into the back against the smooth leather, you proceeded to draw in the remaining droops of fabric your dress hung out of the car before shutting the door and leaning back into the head rest.

The ride felt like it was driving past various roads and buildings for hours, each time you gazed out the window to see a tree flash by quickly feeling as if it had been a century since you had first gotten into the car. However, you found yourself lazily parked—courtesy of your husband—before a opulent hall towering above you and lit up brightly despite the sun peeking behind the clouds in the afternoon. Two large doors framed the opening carved around the center, adorned with outlines of black steel, and large knockers stuck on the inner part of the door frame. A lanky man in a suit stood upright beside the parted door, arms tucked behind his back as his eyes scanned each person who made their way in and out of the building hall.

You exited the confines of the car, ducking your head to avoid hitting it along the roof before standing straight and closing the car door behind you. Your husband only shoved your shoulder in response, grasping your wrist as he dragged you along with him with haste before the doors. You didn’t even bother to protest, and flashed the guard a weak smile as your heels dragged along the rolled out carpet leading into the hall. Just get this over with. You’ll be fine.

He finally released your hand carelessly, not paying any mind to you while you shook your wrist and blew on it to subside the effects of his tight grasp. The chandelier decorated with candles rocked back and forth above your head, while various bars and tables stocked with food and drinks furnished every corner of the hall. Along with that, a large screen flashed at the very front of the hall blared loudly along with the speakers situated on both sides of the screen.

—

The entire event had been nothing but a bore. Rich man after rich man bragging about his company which he knew nothing about. The people who came up to you and your husband when you both were standing by each other attempting to converse with the two of you, and inquire more about you, were only met with your husband’s constant boasts about how you were merely his wife. Your achievements were his too, and therefore he was the one credited. This only led up to you isolating from him, and practically everyone at the party, drowning your sorrows away in glass after glass of champagne. Thankfully, your high alcohol tolerance allowed you to remain appearing sober, only needing to tighten your hand around the table for support occasionally.

Heavy lidded, you brought another glass to your lips as you tilted your head back in one jerk, gulping down the alcoholic beverage and squeezing your eyes shut. You let out a quiet hum as you set down the glass on the table behind you, dragging along the table cover as you examined the vicinity through droopy eyes. The same. Everyone was just wearing suits and that god awful smug expression. You simply rubbed your forehead, stress lines forming along your skin as your massaged it.

That was until a dashing figure caught your eye. Someone familiar.

You squinted your eyes once more, catching a single streak of black hair blended into white, a thin ponytail trailing down her nape to the back of her white suit. At this point, you were sure the drinks had definitely done something to you. You just missed her so much you were going insane and hallucinating like a typical drunkard. Yet, you couldn’t mistake that piercing gaze—near glowing red crosses embedded into her pitch black pupils within heavy eyes.

Despite still being drunk, you shouldered through the crowd, halting upon reaching the circle of people crowding the alluring woman who held a glass of wine between her sharp, black faded fingertips. Her crimson lipstick glistened as a hint of wine smeared across it, expression remaining indifferent to the heaps of people surrounding her while she leaned onto the table. You couldn’t believe your eyes. It really was her.

Arlecchino. Where have you been this whole time?

Steep breaths caught in your throat, you pushed past the crowd, stumbling occasionally and not minding their complaints. You wanted to do so much. Cry, hug her, apologize, run away from your caged marriage, talk to her, catch up—everything. She simply turned her back to the crowd before you could even reach a viable proximity near her, stepping away to a more secluded location. Your heart sank as you began to lose sight of her, gaze fixated on her white suit with the emblem in the center of her chest as you continued to keep your eyes on her in the crowd no matter what.

You paved through each bundle of people blocking your path, staggering occasionally due to your own drunkenness as you finally caught sight of Arlecchino leaned against a polished wall near a table, eyes fluttered shut as she sipped her refined glass of red wine. Breathing heavily, you staggered over to her, resting yourself at her side before slowly trailing your sights up to her face with bleary eyes and a near pleading expression.

“Arle..?”

She only cocked an eyebrow in response, staring down at you with a cold gaze lacking recognition. “Do I know you?”

Hurt burned in your throat as you fought not to cry upon hearing those words from Arlecchino’s lips, your own bottom lip being dragged between your teeth to prevent making its fervent trembling noticeable.

“Arle, it’s me, please.” You choked out, placing a hand on your chest while panting heavily as you locked eyes with hers. “It’s me, (Name)..” you mumbled under your breath in a shaky voice, tears threatening to sting the corner of your eyes at any given moment. Arlecchino suddenly set down her glass, coming face to face with you before her own eyes widened at your familiar features.

“Ah. It really is you isn’t it?”

Although her tone remained calm and collected, it wasn’t hard to tell how her voice softened for you, growing sweet like nectar dripping from her crimson lips. You nearly sobbed upon feeling her hand gently brush along your cheek, your own hand resting atop hers as you leaned into her touch, trembling. You could barely articulate what you wanted to say, each word coming in short breaths as droplets of tears pricked at your eyes subtly.

“My darling. You haven’t changed much. Still as beautiful as the day I met you…” her thumb circled the skin of your cheek, eyes roaming down to the same crimson lipstick she used decorating your own lips. “…and the day you departed from me.”

“Arle- I’m so sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you then! I can’t live like this any longer! I can’t! I knew it was you ever since I didn’t listen to what my feelings told me! Please! I love you, Peruere!” You gasped out desperately in one breath in a near sob, clinging onto Arlecchino like a lifeline as you grasped at the fabric of her coat. She only let out a soft hum, resting her chin onto your head as she took in your scent. You were wearing her perfume. Soothingly, her fingertips traced a repetitive pattern of comforting circles along your back, something she always did when you both were in your youth to calm you down.

“(Name). I’ve never once lost my feelings for you. I love you. And you only. I’m just, pleased that I get to see you again.” She sighed, burying her nose into your soft tufts of hair at the top of your head as she hugged you. She hemmed her arms around your vulnerable form holding her tightly, almost like a promise to never let you go again, to protect you from any harm that dared cross your path. Wiping your eyes, you cleared your throat as you pulled away from your moment of weakness, standing straight before Arlecchino as your palms nervously clasped together in front of you.

“Tell me, how awful is he to the point where he broke you like this..?”

“Terrible. Straight from hell if I could say. I’m stuck. I’m so fucking stuck you don’t even know.”

“I see.”

She paused, proceeding to say her next words.

“Would you reprimand me if I said once more that I told you so?”

You shook your head, contrasting the initial reaction you had when you first lashed out at her all those years ago.

“Nope. I’d affirm that you were right. I shouldn’t have complied with what society wants if it means I have to suffer.” You replied, gritting your teeth together as you looked away in shame. Arlecchino only placed a hand on your shoulder, running her arm down the curve of your shoulder as her sleek hands traveled down the flushed skin of your arm. “You would always get warm like this when I touched you.” She reminisced, letting out an exhale of contentment.

All of a sudden, the comfort of the moment was shattered by your husband’s voice, slicing through the tranquility harbored between you and her mere moments ago.

“Ah! (Name)! Who’s this? A friend?”

He eagerly shook her hand, while Arlecchino’s gaze grew resentful and repulsed of the man before her, her own hand clasped around his with every ounce of hatred she possessed. Brows furrowing, she immediately pulled her hand back, manner remaining distinctive, yet subtly aggressive.

“Ah, you may talk to me now in fact. This woman is my wife! And she’s just my wife don’t worry about it. Anything she told you is my achiev-“

“Shut your fucking mouth. Before I shut it for you—nauseating son of a bitch.” She replied harshly, eyes locked on him with nothing but murderous intent.

“Don’t speak to me that way you slut-!”

He was cut off by Arlecchino’s firm grasp on his wrist, nails digging into his flesh barely. Although—her mere strength alone was enough to nearly shatter his wrist, making him cry out for mercy and forgiveness from the woman looking down upon him. Fear clouded his eyes for the first time you had ever seen as Arlecchino looked him in the eye, his pupils shaking from anticipation and fear. “Refrain from speaking about her like that, or treating her poorly. If I find out about your disgusting antics again I’ll personally tear you apart limb by limb, understood?”

Before he could respond, she tossed him aside like a ragdoll as he gripped his arm in agony lip quivering at the searing pain ripping at the aftermath of his wrist. In the meantime, you felt Arlecchino’s lips brush against your ear, staining the shell a light blood red color as she whispered softly.

“May I?”

You smiled genuinely for the first time in years, nodding as you felt her warm breath caress the side of your face once more. God, you missed that feeling. Her arm circled the wide ends of your waist, pulling you tightly against her as she held you close under her watchful eye. It was simple. She’d never leave you again.

—

“Peruere..since when did you even get such a nice modern home like this? I’d die to live here.”

She breathed out a quiet laugh, tidying up an area quickly with her back turned to you as she stood in her nightly wear. “No need. You will be living here if you’d like, darling.” She glanced over her shoulder at your form splayed out on the mattress, comfortably hugging the pillow to your chest. It was evident that you’d never felt this safe or happy in quite some time. She put down the cup she was rearranging near an odd table in her room, seating herself on the bed as she motioned you to come closer. A light chuckle escaped her lips as you complied, shifting close into her arms comfortably as you basked in her warmth.

“What about my husband?”

“What about him?”

“Well- I am still married to him. I’m legally still stuck.”

Laying back, Arlecchino just exhaled in response, threading her slender fingers through your hair.

“I will get you out. Trust me. For now, just rest how I wanted us to. You have a lot of love you missed out on, and I’m here to help us catch up on that.”

You sighed peacefully against her at those words, curling up at her side as you nuzzled into her. For the first time, you could sleep peacefully with a weight beside you. This was all you had wanted. Safely enveloped in Arlecchino’s embrace, being able to bask in tranquility and solace with the woman you loved as you sought an escape from the cruel torment of your husband.

Perhaps it all worked out in the end.

No.

It did work out in the end, as you slumbered in your beloved’s arms.

A/N: HOLY SHIET THERES SO MUCH I WANNA SAY

first of all tysm for 1k followers I genuinely appreciate all the support and I hope my writing has improved over the course of the past year and a half or so!

Second guess who’s alive again yay but writing is a little rusty

Third I am in fact going thru a little internal struggle atm so if my works are a bit late or kinda ass bear with me please 😭‼️

Other than that ily all I love how the second half of this turned out and yeah 🕯️

I’m kinda cold ngl

[barblaz-arts]

Hey! Since you mentioned "Soul Eater" before, can I ask what you think about it? From the anime, from the manga (if you read it), the powers, the story in general, the ships, the chops, the humor, etc.

The anime was stunning! I love that it managed to translate the gothic but campy vibe the manga had. The soundtrack was insane too. I used to be so obsessed with Paper Moon and the second ED. Even the character OSTs like Kidd's theme and BlackStar's theme were really good, even if the lyrics didn't make a lot of sense.

The character designs and powers/fighting style for each character was soooo cool btw. The aesthetic for this whole show was just so good. Like. If Tim Burton and Doctor Seuss went and collaborated on an anime idk what I'm saying.

And the animation for the fight scenes were just mesmerizing. Bones(the animation studio) are just real damn good at what they do.

Seeing Maka fight with that giant scythe changed my life. At the time shounen rather than shoujo/slice of life anime were my thing. It was my first time seeing a female main protag for a shounen anime, that was probably one of the reasons I was as obsessed with the show as I was. I saw myself in maka for many reasons, i loved her a lot.

I had my gripes with the anime. Like. The ending was a lil weird with how they defeated Asura, but I did love that it had Maka also be a weapon. Also the fact that Crona was alive and well by the end is a nice bonus.

I vividly remember being obsessed with this scene in particular. I had such a huge crush on them lmao

Also not to like out my cringey 12 yo self, but I used to ship Crona/Kidd. Looking back it's so funny.

Soul/Maka is still one of my favorites anime ships ever tho. Ships that start off being besties that gradually turn romantic are just always gonna be my favorite i guess

Also just... Soul's dedication to always keep Maka safe was so dang sweet??? He'd catch a sword on the chest for her. He'd break her fall for her. He'd really do anything for her. Like damn...

As for the manga, yes I did read it! I think it ended when I was in high school? I followed the manga as it updated along with other mangas like Pandora Hearts and Reborn etc. Soul Eater was the only shounen I finished reading (Unless PH counts as shounen. I don't think it does...).

The direction it went with was so painful. Crona leaving Maka and going back to Medusa was my NaruSaku fallout istg. It sucks that things didn't end happily for Crona in the manga, but I still enjoyed the journey it put me through. As dark as it was, the chapter where Crona finally kills Medusa was kinda cathartic.

And although the manga didn't have weapon!Maka, i like the upgrade when she honed the abilities of her grigori soul. Maka riding scythe!Soul like Cardcaptor Sakura with her magic staff was so cool. And the way she had Soul's blade turn into piano keys and turned the black blood into a dress was kinda badass. I wish we get to see these in reboot FMA brotherhood style someday

The humor was great. My brothers and I still quote/reference a lot of the funny stuff from it. I just wish it wasn't one of those animes that can get so pervy to the point it's uncomfortable....

Anyways, loved it a lot. Sorry I probably could have talked about Kidd and BlackStar too and I love them, but this reply would be a lot longer than i have the energy to do lol. They're popular anyways. This show had one of the best female anime characters in Maka and it will probably always have a special place in my heart.

And the chops? Great as always

[abiiors]

i meant cozy making dinner at home/movie night blurb with ross my bad 😭😭😭 still love matty tho lmao (now that i think about it can we make it dad!ross too 👀)

aaah lol got you!! i love writing dad ross very much 🥹

april is always a little ball of excitement—even at almost three years old, she wants to know everything! from “why can’t i eat the ball from the avocavo, daddy?” to ���can i help?” even when she barely reaches his knees and is strictly not allowed near an open flame. 

you, at 10 weeks pregnant, dread stepping foot into the kitchen at the risk of angering the tiny fetus inside you who has not stopped making you throw up every single item of food they do not like. (the list is long)

and ross happily takes care of it all, one hand holding april’s as he stirs the stew with another and answers her endless questions without faltering. 

you can’t exactly see them—what with your reluctance to go near food smells—but you can hear her babbling away, mispronouncing words and using some big ones (albeit incorrectly) that she’s no doubt learned from her uncle matty. you decide to pick a film instead. 

the little mermaid is the obvious choice considering your daughter’s newfound obsession with the ocean and her self-declared wish to become a “sea expert” when she grows up but there’s also coco, which you’ve cried over multiple times both before and after april’s arrival. you even remember the day when she declared that uncle matty should sing poco loco at the next show. today, however, you do not trust pregnancy hormones enough to put that on. 

“picked a film yet?” ross calls from the kitchen and you frown. 

“not yet, can you send april here?”

there’s some shuffling, and then the sound of you baby toddling over to you. the second she sees her picks on the screen, her eyes go round and she lets out an extended oooohh.

“feel like watching any of these?” you laugh at her and then make room as she climbs onto your lap.

at this stage, there’s still space on your lap for her to snuggle in but ross has told her endlessly to be careful around you now. (“we can’t let mummy get hurt okay? you and me, we have to take care of her.” which makes your heart melt every time.) so even when she wiggles around, she’s careful not to do it too much. 

“ooh, ooh,” she claps her hands, “can we watch daddy’s show? please please!”

now you know what she means by this. every once in a while she begs and begs to watch the msg recording, singing along to whatever songs she can with broken lyrics that she doesn’t fully know yet. if ross is home, he lifts her up in his arms and dances with her, singing the songs to her in a soft voice and changing any not safe for children lyrics at the last minute in a way that makes you laugh every time. 

from the kitchen ross cheers. “yeah! that’s my girl.”

and so you relent, quickly finding it and putting it on amidst the sound of your husband and daughter cheering. 

“right!” ross appears dramatically from the kitchen, food in hand and right in time for the claps and cheers on screen to echo around the room. 

he grins. “my biggest fan! learn a thing or two from her,” he teases much to your indignation. but then he sets the plates aside and bends down to kiss her and just like that all of it is melted away leaving you a pile of mush. 

while april puts on her own show, singing and dancing along to the songs on tv, ross makes his way to sit next to you. the food on the plate actually does look really fucking nice, and for the first time in days you feel the urge to eat properly. 

“keep this down for me, will you? i don’t like seeing you so uncomfortable.”

the concern in his voice is heartwarming, and your bottom lip starts to wobble at the thought of how sweet he’s been to you so far. 

“your baby thinks the food looks good,” you joke, “i might even go for seconds.”

the palm of his hand rests flat against your stomach, caressing the bump that’s barely even there at this point but he’s attached to it just as he was the first time with april. 

“good,” he smiles, “just wanna see both my girls happy.”

[assassinsnek101]

what my self aware genshin experiences.

following up on real events but make it sagau.

A/n; i am just sharing a few random or funny moments while i was playing genshin.

as Cyno, Kazuha, Xingqiu, and Baizhu approached the electro regisvine, they start to hear the instrumental of a song rock song on full blast, the guitar sounding through their heads. Cyno's grip tightened on his polearm (that was stolen from Hu Tao) as he recognized it.

switching to baizhu, he started to panic internally. he shouldn't be fighting this thing! right before the regisvine noticed him the lyrics started

"I don't need your forgiveness."

he jogged up to the regisvine and the fight started as he slowly chipped away at it's shield.

"I don't need your hate I don't need your acceptance So what should I do? I don't need your resistance I don't need your prayers I don't need no religion I don't need a thing from you

I don't do what I've been told"

the shield broke and his ult was used, then Xingqiu's, then Kazuha's.

"You're so lame. why don't you just go"

then Cyno's ult

"DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE!"

as the song screams for it to die Cyno and Xingqiu's ult's along with the hyperbloom reaction tore it's hp bar to shreds.

afterwards, all rewards were collected and they could do little but chuckle to themselves at the song's timing, even their creator was laughing at it.

*-__________________________________________________________-*

Wanderer was just walking- mostly flying around- collecting rukkhashava mushrooms for himself while it sounded like the creator was listening to some two guys talking, one sounded like the General Mahamatra and the other was deeper voiced.

the voice that sounded like cyno spoke "I have people come up and ask me 'if you weren't an animator and if you weren't a youtuber, what would you be?' and i was like; 'a puppeteer.' "

a soft click and then silence as wanderer stayed still, floating mid air. he could feel the creator zoom in on his face, looking him in the eye.

"you hear that? Be weary around Cyno, he just said he'd become a puppeteer. you know what that means?" an uncomfortable silence as his flight stamina ran out and he fell to the ground. "both you, and your younger sister should fear him." another pause "You're still adorable tho and we have more mushrooms to get!"

*-__________________________________________________________-*

let me know if i should do more because i definitely have more of these to share. i also did time the song and it was epic.

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

Hey. You were talking about meditation, I saw your post, I wanna stay anonymous tho, but love your post. You were talking about meditation and my question is, how do you do it? Bc like, I've tried, but I can't seem to do it. And how are you sure it actually happened and that it ain't just you daydreaming? I'm really insecure about these kind of stuff.

Hey! Honestly anon your question is so painfully relevant, because those are both things I struggled with for a long time.

Meditation is something I always thought was overrated- and tbh, still kind of do. You don't have to meditate. Figuring out what works for you might be a process, and ultimately the answer might not even be meditation at all. It's useful, sure, but it's not needed. Even as much as I enjoy it, I only do it a couple times a month because I'm often too busy. I'm not trying to discourage you of course, I just feel the need to put a disclaimer that meditation is not something you need to do to be valid as a witch/have a fulfilling practice.

That being said, Weightless by Marconi Union was my personal lifesaver. I spent a damn long time trying to figure out what worked. None of my current hobbies are mindlessly repetitive enough for active meditation, guided meditations just make me wildly uncomfortable for some reason, listening to personal playlists I focus on the songs too much, etc. etc. Weightless has no lyrics to focus on, no sudden changes from one song to the other, and it's outright made to calm you down as far as I'm aware. It may not work for everyone, but it's what worked for me. I use headphones so I'm only hearing that and blocking out any other noise. Since I mainly use it for communication, I don't bother trying to 'not think too much' and 'calm down' because that's what becomes a problem for me. I just sort of... lay there and chat with my deities. Eventually, it goes from just me thinking at them to getting clearer responses.

As for how I know I'm not imagining things... this one was really a big worry of mine for a while. Ultimately, it's pretty simple; When I daydream, I can control everything in it. I can rewind, redo, control all the characters. I can change things, and nothing catches me off guard.

When I meditate, though, they regularly catch me off guard. I only meditate- currently at least- as a way to talk to my deities/guides. I know I'm not daydreaming because they don't always act the way I expect them to, sometimes I can't change things, etc. etc.

If I'm feeling particularly worried, I'll confirm things with my cards. And as much as it feels like a copout answer- there's just this... difference. I can't really explain it, but it's the same difference I experience between when I'm writing fiction and a character "writes themselves" and when I'm using writing to channel a deity. I guess it would just be the feeling of their presence- which, once again, is completely not something anyone has to experience to valid. I just talk about it casually like it's normal because it is... to me.

[elviraaxen]

im new here, so im sorry if this is a question youve answered before but tumblr's search bar failed me in finding this to be previous answered but.. uhmmm

c... can we make ocs/personas for Felt World? or would you rather we not or we hold off until further in?? bc i would love to make a puppet give our cowboy a smooch before he is, i assume bc he is a fucking catch and a half, taken off the market in canon lol i assume he wont still be single by the end. im a tad bit too embarrassed to ever post such drawings, but i wanted to know in case i ever did become brave enough to make them public if such you would be welcome to be tagged in or if that would make you feel uncomfortable

and also, for that purpose: as someone with disabilities, im really curious how disabilities are translated into Felt World? obviously not all of them, that'd take forever. but i was curious if they use mobility aids just like ours or if they use ones we could not have (an example of what i mean could be like "seal-chairs" in "Witch Hat Atelier"? they are chairs with hooves that run and jump, as opposed to wheels). and i know you said music is really powerful in this world, in both singing and instruments, but i wanted to also ask how in a world with so much focus on sound are the deaf/hard of hearing accomadated? deaf/HoH people can still play instruments, obviously (the most famous example being Beethoven), but i meant other than that

(also, if i recall accurately you once said that "the puppets have to speak to be considered sentient beings"? i was wondering if in the future could that be amended to "have to be able to communicate"? because i assume nonverbal puppets would still exist, as well as puppets who just dont speak much (whether thats a facet of deafness or nonspeaking shutdown or just a quiet personality). or would that break Felt World's world-building's logic in some way? that's a genuine question. i wasnt sure how to word it in a way that would minimize the risk of one being put on their back-foot, but i tried my best, it really is a genuine question)

(also, because i never like to assume fluency in disability-knowledge: if you need a resource on media portrayals of disability at any point, i highly recommend the youtuber, Oakwyrm. they do a lot of really cool analysis videos on disability. i do apologize if i am overstepping, and you are already largely fluent in disabled portrayals in media and/or already aware of Oakwyrm's existence. i just like to shout at least one resource out because i know many people have no idea where to look to learn more about general disability representation advice and whatnot. you do not have to watch their videos if you do not want to ♡)

also a bit of a tangent, idk if this is just a "for now" aspect of Donna due to her adjusting or if this is a core pillar of her personality but... just, thank you for making a feminine character who cries a lot and is emotional with Big Feelings. ive always felt more connected to the Dorthy Gales, Cinderellas, Clarisse de Cagliostros kind of heroines who are a bit of a "damsel in distress" (tho i do think that term reduces a lot of their agency and bravery) and i feel a bit lonely that we dont see many emotional-vitality-driven heroines who need some help as much as badass heroines or sassy heroines, both of whom are fully capable of getting shit sone alone. makes my cry-baby disabled ass feel a little pathetic (im very physically weak because of my chronic health issues, and am the type of Autistic ADHDer who is very sensitive to getting big feelings), even tho i know those types of heroines are valid and needed. i resonate a lot with AJR's lyric about "But I'm weak. And what's wrong with that?" even though i know im taking it out of context

and im sure Donna will prove herself capable of being on her own and having her own agency, same as all the heroines ive listed, i dont assume she will be stagnant, but i just wanted to really thank you for making a character that i relate to. i dont get that often. it makes me feel a bit abnormal and strange, and i mean moreso than the "well youre neurodivergent and sickly" kind of abnormal that would be implied. like. Weird Kid sitting alone at lunch kind of strange. so its really cool to see Donna and feel less lonely, is what im saying. i wish there were more heroines like her for people like me nowadays, rather than the archetype being reduced to "archiac stereotypes" (which i both do and dont understand the logic of. it depends on context and the example given) and therefore shelving a type of heroine we dont see in a lot of contemporary media (in exchange for a heroine we didnt get to see often (if at all) in past media, the sassy and badass ones, i do get it, and im glad theyre being used more as they should have always been. there are a select few of both camps that feel like "women have to be as stereotypically masculine as possible to be worthy of being called 'a strong character'" when i think strong characters have less to do with personality and more to do with "do they direct the narrative's plot? do they have agency?". but i could be wrong about that and i am getting off-topic)

but yeah. just. overall: thank you for introducing Donna to be like she is. it means a lot to me to see a heroine like her in contemporary media. im really excited to see what youll do next ♡ but yeah, i know im babbling a lot here and you dont need to reply to this half, i just really wanted to stress my thanks and WHY you have my thanks ♡♡♡ i really appreciate having Donna sit at my metaphorical lunch-table with me, even if she has to go sit somewhere else later. its been really nice to be beside her

thank you ♡

ps. i wasnt sure how to format this Ask because i know some people like to have each section have their own Ask for compartmentalizing/tag-organization reasons, but others like it all to be together so they know its all from one person as opposed to the anxiety of "ahh why did i get so many Asks all at once, did i do something wrong, do people hate me-- oh. its fine. i went through that rollercoaster for nothing. dear lord, am i drained now". so i tend to rather assume the latter, just in case; but do feel free to screenshot and section these out into their own posts if you are the former, i wont mind if youd rather do that ♡ have a nice day!!

Oh my goodness what a long message!!! 0.0!!

I had to take a few hours to think about everything to make sure I answered everything. But I should start off by showing my gratitude for the amount of time and effort you put into formulating this! So thank you, this was a really cool ask to receive <3

As for OCs, absolutely you can! I've already had a few who've made theirs, and I have no rules at all when it comes to shipping or self inserts or anything, as long as everyone is being respectful towards each other ^^

As for the disability aspect, I have a few key points that I want to explore in regards to especially deafness and muteness (is it called that? muteness?), but that's further along the story and will be introduced later! Also how song vs instruments work in this world is a part of the lore itself that'll be explained further down the line too, so no need to worry about our fellow mute or deaf/hoh peeps!

I have of course thought about mobility aids and other disability accommodations (because they can be born with defect, illnesses, and be injured pretty much like us, their bodies are a bit more fantastical but there are still rules) but i must admit didn't think further other than to give them similar mobility aids that we use. But clearly it would make more sense to make something more fantastical! I'll give it a thought! That's probably gonna be a fun design exercise ^^

I'm not sure if I can answer the entire ask in a way that does it justice, it's quite frankly the coolest message I've gotten, I'm gonna try and not let it get to my head (lol),

but i'm so glad you and seemingly many others seem to like Donna and appreciate her specifically for being sensitive and reacting strongly. It shouldn't be but it's really daunting to write female leads because as we know people just don't like women in media generally, but I eventually just got over it because I realized I was starting to write a character that demanded the audience cared and respected, rather than showing a story that I had fun telling, in a world worth exploring.

And not to spoil but I've already decided I do not want Donna to go through an arc where she's forced to abandon her emotions or go through something physically traumatic in order to "become tough" to be respected, that's not only overdone but lame and harmful wish fulfillment. So no worries in that department!

But anyways, I don't think I can properly say how appreciative I am of this ask!!! It really warms my heart that you and other people are going out of your way to send me asks about my little story that I came up with on a whim!!! It's truly the best compliment as a creator.

<3

[squarebracketsmileyface]

Hi, I'm back, I have been rotating chapter 3 in my head all day.

...I'm Yours by Alessia Cara is Jam in this chapter to me...

Ooooooooooo another song to listen to awawawawwawa.

And damnit, the lyrics are perfect now I have to do a whole analysis on how they link up to Sorry it's locked lmao /nm

Andddd, this has turned out way too long. As always I swear. It's a whole damn essay, I'm so sorry, this fic has rotted my brain and I can't not babble everything I have about it. So:

SO lyrics.

Some nerve you have To break up my lonely And tell me you want me How dare you march into my heart Oh how rude of you To ruin my miserable And tell me I'm beautiful 'Cause I wasn't looking for love no

Obviously, Jay starts out reeeeeaaaaaally not wanting to fall in love again, not wanting to fall in love with Tim because of everything that happened with Alex. But he's also aware that he and Tim are kinda dancing around each other and that Tim is actively, though quietly, trying to make Jay realise that he likes him. Obviously Jay's a traumatised dumbass so to begin with didn't realise Tim actually liked him, and just thought it was a purely sexual thing, like what he had with Alex. Then he realised it was more than that and that scared him so he decided he wouldn't let himself get close with Tim in that way for fear of getting hurt.

Then, obviously, the "ruin my miserable and tell me I'm beautiful" bit is when Tim finally decided to say fuck it and tell Jay he likes him because Jesus Christ this man is either incredibly oblivious or purposefully dense. (it's a bit of both). The "how rude" part to me is about Jay feeling like Tim was lying when he said he likes how Jay looks, to make him feel better so that it'd hurt even more when Tim leaves him.

Nobody asked you to get me attached to you In fact you tricked me And I wasn't trying to fall in love But boy you pushed me

Basically about Jay feeling kind of like it's Tim's fault that he fell for him, like, not in a malicious way, just Jay kind of feeling perturbed by the fact that even given their situation Tim was and is still willing to try and make it work, to be kind and gentle with Jay. I don't know how to explain it, like, Tim flirting overtly, and also just generally being quietly caring and stuff, looking after Jay when he was out of it, encouraging him to get help too etc.

Jay almost feels betrayed by the fact that he's fallen in love again. Betrayed by himself, betrayed by Tim, even though he doesn't understand why he feels betrayed by Tim. It's just one of those muddled up feelings you get sometimes when your brain is panicking and just throwing out every thought and feeling to try and rationalise it. The actual reasoning is that Jay's subconsciously kinda assuming that Tim knows everything he knows (even though logically he knows he can't) about what happened with Alex. Which means that the fact that Tim is being so kind and caring and kinda flirting etc, makes Jay's brain feel like Tim's ignoring the fact that Jay doesn't want to fall in love again. Even though logically he knows Tim can't know he doesn't want to fall in love again. Y'know?

Tim's been quietly, gently, respectfully, pushing Jay's boundaries, like with the walking around shirtless etc. If Jay asked him to stop, even slightly insinuated he was uncomfortable with it externally, he'd tone it all the way back or stop completely, whatever Jay needs. But it's like that thing of challenging your behaviours so you can get over them. Tim's challenging Jay's fear of intimacy and commitment, but still trying to let Jay be the one to make that first move. (Tho eventually he does kinda give him a little nudge in the right direction, because jesus Jay is emotionally constipated)

You know that video of a dam being opened for the first time in ages? And it, like, starts off slow and there's sooooooo much much and silt and rubble, and then it gets faster and faster until it's just power washing the valley thing it's in? That's Jay's emotions. Nothing nothing nothing EVERYTHING! TAKE COVER!!! That's what happened when he just broke down and blurted everything out to Tim in chapter 3.

So all that I'm asking Is that you handle me with caution 'Cause I don't give myself often But I guess I'll try today

This bit is kind of more about chapter 4 in my mind than chapter 3, though it still works for chapter 3 anyway, just not quite as much. Jay is tentatively trusting Tim with his mental health, his relationship issues, (eventually his issues around sex as well, because he definitely does have some of those lmao, he can't not in my idea of how the stuff with Alex has affected him).

In chapter 3 Jay tells Tim most of what happened with Alex, all the way from uni to two years ago when they were alone together last, it's mostly a breakdown and then Jay going back in and clarifying what got lost in the crying, but a lot of it, when he's clarifying it all, is him asking Tim not to do what Alex did. Does he tell Tim the full truth about what happened with Alex, no, he dilutes it a shit tonne to make sure Tim doesn't think any of it is Alex's fault.

But Tim can kind of tell there's things jay is holding back.

He knows Jay is asking him to "handle him with caution" he just doesn't know how to do that because Jay isn't telling him everything and he knows that. Even before they kiss, he can tell this is Jay's way of putting little feelers out to see whether Tim's going to hurt him. Then, once he starts to trust that Tim won't hurt him, they kiss and Jay is kind of thinking "hey, maybe this could work, maybe I can try, even though through all the time he's been without Alex (between uni and 2 years ago, then between 2 years ago and now) he hasn't really managed to "give himself" very often, because his brain always went back to Alex. He was kind of dependent of Alex in a way?

Is that the right word? I don't think that's the right word, but the thesaurus isn't giving me a better one. Reliant? Like, he was reliant on Alex for his own feelings of self worth, kinda? And then 2 years ago Alex well and truly crushed what was left of that lmao.

'Cause I've had my heart Broken before And I promised I would never Let me hurt anymore

Chorus 1.

Pretty simple this one. Alex broke Jay's heart, ripped it and his self esteem and self worth and everything, to absolute shreds and then jumped up and down on the pieces, just to make sure Jay's mental health was well absolutely pulverised.

(He did it for the same reason he killed people, to save them. If he could make Jay hate him enough for Jay to stop investigating and forget everything that happened he could keep him safe. I NEEEEEEED people to know that Alex is just soooooo morally grey and mentally fucked up by the Operator in this, just like he is in the actual series. He genuinely loved and cared about Jay, it's just that that love got twisted and warped by the Operator. Then back in uni he was downright terrified of the fact that he was queer, so he jumped at the opportunity Amy provided, because he was Bi and Scared and she was perfect. I 100% stand by the fact that he definitely talked to Amy about what he and Jay had had and she helped him with it, helped him deal with the internalised shit... and also gave him an absolute earful about how he'd treated Jay in the end and how he needed to go and apologise to him —Alex never did, he was too scared of what Jay would think for that, and by the time he was ready to apologise, they'd lost touch. Then everything with the Operator started so he couldn't anyway—)

Tangent over lmao, uh, after Alex, Jay made a promise to himself to not fall for another unobtainable man, another person who just wanted him for sex, another person in general. He was too scared, and with all the stuff with the Operator there was no way in hell that he'd be able to heal from all the stuff with Alex, so if he wanted to start dating again or anything it'd have to be after all the Eldrich horror shit had ended. If he was still alive by then.

But I tore down my walls And opened my doors And made room for one So baby I'm yours Oh baby I'm yours Oh baby I'm yours Oh baby I'm yours Oh baby I'm yours But I tore down my walls And opened my doors And made room for one So baby I'm yours

Chorus 2.

This is definitely chapter 4 (and the possible oneshot I have planned for getting to write some more smut for Jam) where Jay finally tells Tim everything (not technically everything everything, but, like, everything about what happened with Alex, he's still gonna be a lil idiot and keep his emotions about it locked up tight, but y'know, he's getting there I guess)

He tells Tim about the kiss, and that finally kind of "tears down the walls" and "opens the door" etc for them to actually start sort of working towards a real relationship. They definitely have a longgggggggg way to go, but it's a start. It allows Jay to start genuinely trusting that Tim won't hurt him, allows him to genuinely trust that Tim likes and cares for him etc. It's just that kind of thing that lets them feel a little safer in each other than that would have otherwise.

I think specifically the "I tore down my walls" bit, like, Jay did that himself. Tim didn't barge in and tear those walls down, Jay started dismantling them himself, sure he had Tim's help, but it was still his decision to do it. Y'know?

Is it going to last forever? No.

Are the events of MH gonna happen anyway and tear them apart just like in the series, make them stop trusting each other etc? Absolutely. Tho I don't think I'm gonna go into that in chapter 4, that'll mostly be a happy ending for them (tho rest assured there'll definitely be a bit of angst in it, because who do you think I am?)

But yeah. "Baby I'm yours" Jay finally feeling like he's able to fully give himself to someone, sexually, romantically, everything, whereas with Alex it was only ever sexually. He didn't get his other, emotional, needs met through that relationship, he will with Tim. Even though Tim definitely doesn't really know what he's doing either. He has more of an idea than Jay though, even if he's probably only really able to express it/talk about it in a kinda clinical way.

(Honestly I feel like Tim would really struggle with not being super clinical in how he talks about emotions and stuff, like, sure, he doesn't sound exactly like a doctor necessarily, doesn't use scientific words, but given his childhood in the hospital, he'd definitely speak in a way that's very detached from what he's feeling. Like he's trying too hard to be rational and logical rather than looking at it as a whole, in a realistic way. Because if you completely ignore the emotional side of something, you can't be rational about it because you're entirely ignoring a whole part of what's happening. That's what Tim does. He removes himself from the situation emotionally, even with Jay —though I'd say that he either hides his detachment from everything better with Jay, or is slightly, slightly, more attached and in the moment and letting himself experience his feelings, with Jay—)

I'm mad at you For being so cute And changing my mood And altering my rude

This bit's also pretty self explanatory I guess, Jay being kind of, not actually angry at Tim, but just kinda disgruntled at how easy it feels like it was for him to help Jay to trust him. He's mad that he finds Tim cute, attractive, kind, caring, whatever. He's mad at how easy it feels like it was for Tim to help him change his opinion towards relationships etc. Cos like, for Jay I feel like it kind of all happened in the background for most of it, like he was subconsciously working through some of his shit about Alex, and then he gets to maybe a few months before chapter three and suddenly he's falling head over heels.

Tim fell first and fell longer, Jay fell harder and faster, y'know?

Do they both like each other the same amount? Yeah just about, Jay's probably a bit more obsessive with it, but because it's Tim this time he'll be able to keep Jay in check and keep him from becoming viciously dependent on interactions with him in order to inform his mood for the day. Y'know? Does that make sense? Like when every part of your mental stability completely hinges on your interactions with another person and if you think anything is wrong it sends you absolutely spiralling? Had a relationship like that once lmao, not fun. Anyway uh

What's wrong with you You make me sick For being so perfect What did I do What can I do, oh

Just more of Jay being lightheartedly pissed that Tim is so "perfect".

Honestly I feel like if I wanted to I could take these two in a toxic direction too, with Jay putting Tim on a pedestal and obsessing over the fact that he's "perfect." Y'know? Because compared to the end of Jaylex's relationship, the start of Jam's relationship would be pretty damn healthy. But comparing ends to beginnings isn't really an accurate comparison, y'know? Anyway, to begin with, Jay putting Tim on a pedestal would lead to him not being able to see Tim as ever having done anything wrong, but once all the small things pile up, or Tim fucks up in a big enough way, it could send Jay absolutely crashing down in an incredibly destructive spiral, because suddenly Tim's not "perfect" anymore, which means he must be just like Alex, which means he must be doing this maliciously, which could lead to allllll the pent up anger from across both relationships getting let out all at once, all at Tim, which would not be good for either of them.

(because Tim, unfortunately, is gonna be very pissed at Alex when he finds out about the kiss, and ends up managing to convince Jay to see Alex the exact opposite to how he currently does. So instead of Jay insisting none of it was Alex's fault, he'll believe that everything was Alex's fault and that he did it all maliciously, rather than what actually happened, which is that Alex's sense of reality and what would keep the people he cared about safe was extremely warped and he genuinely believed he was doing what's right. He was trying to save Jay. —I wanna write Alex's pov of after Jay leaves in chapter 2 at some point so I can kinda show both sides so it's more clear that no one but the Operator is really to blame.—)

I don't think I'll do that, but honestly who knows, it could be interesting to think about. More angst lmao.

And I wasn't trying To melt this heart of iron But the way you hold me Makes the old me pass away

Again, Jay just sort of lightheartedly lamenting the fact that he fell in love without trying to. He wasn't trying to lower his walls, but it just sort of happened because Tim genuinely made him feel safe. Or safe emotionally. Physically? While they're being hunted and haunted? Nah, not possible really. But emotionally, yeah, Jay feels safe with Tim.

And of course, Tim is very free with cuddles and kisses and gentle, innocent touches, which Jay never really got with Alex unless it was under the guise of aftercare, so that's chipping away at the very old, very rusted on distrust of affection and romance etc. The way Tim holds him makes him feel so different to how he felt when Alex held him.

And I would be lying If I said I wasn't scared to fall again But if you promise me you'll catch me Then it's okay

Just Jay talking about his fear of falling in love again, simple simple. Him trusting that Tim will catch him, won't let him get hurt as he falls. Maybe not even that, maybe not even trust that Tim will catch him, more just that Tim has promised he will, so that on its own is enough for Jay, because with Alex the idea of them ever actually dating was always very quickly shut down because Alex was scared.

Chorus 1 and 2 again

Oh I hate that I Spend my days just wasting time Day dreaming 'til I see you again I'm not used to this

Very much kinda deviating from the exact lyrics of the song here, but to me this bit kind of could be about those months where Jay was all fucked up after they ran into the Operator at Alex's old house. He feels like they wasted time, that he wasted time daydreaming about Tim (because from what he remembers of that morning it seems like Tim was being extra caring towards him, which, unsurprisingly, he kinda daydreamed about and stuff, idk) but like, he's just not used to being taken care of like that, being taken care of like Tim clearly has. He saw it in the entries, he saw it when he woke up and Tim didn't realise he wasn't all fucked up anymore.

Oh I used to be so used to boys just using me For you to be you to me Feels new to me

Lmao well damn. Uh. Self explanatory. Very much self explanatory. Alex was never fully himself with Jay, because of all his internalised bullshit, and Jay honestly doesn't know what was real or not with Alex. Was Alex being nice to him two years ago the real Alex? Or was Alex yelling at him and insulting him and scaring him in the kitchen the real Alex? He doesn't know. Whereas with Tim it feels a lot more straightforward. He feels like he can tell what's real and what's not with Tim. And he feels like he hasn't seen the 'not real' part yet, and hopes he never will.

Though I guess that could be a little dangerous if Tim was being manipulative, because Jay's so caught up in the whole "the first thing Tim did to show him he likes him is the last thing Alex tried" that he wouldn't even realise if that kiss from Tim had purely been done to cause just this. A complete dumbfounded-ness in Jay because he was shown a bit of "genuine" affection straight off the bat. That's not what's happening. Tim just actually likes him and wants to date him etc. But ooooo the evil that it could be if I wanted to make all of Jay's lil love interests into toxic ones. Tho I guess he's a lil toxic too, so.

'Cause I usually cheer for the bad side Love under a bad sign So it makes me mad I'm Falling again Falling again

Self explanatory. Or I guess explained by everything else I've already said, because jesus this is so long and I do not need to reiterate the same thoughts again

Chorus 2 again.

Honestly if you read all of this shit, damn, because why did I write this much? It's a freaking essay lmao. I don't care tho because this fic has eaten my brain and I will rant about it for hours if I can. I love it so much. I get to put so much of myself into both Jay and Tim and awawawawawwawawawawwawawawa

[fourteenfifteen]

youre not stealing my sleepover monday we're just at the same sleepover !! how exciting im having fun. anyways: 🌻

we are Literally having a sleepover

i deeply love the band big thief they’re a band that took me a long time to Get but once they clicked for me i went oh my god. they’re amazing. because they are like genuinely adrianne lenker one of the best songwriters ever and i’m not joking or exaggerating i would not say that about like any other contemporary artist i listen to but i mean it. big thief are so good. anyways w them i tend to get into kicks on one song or another where i just keep putting it on and then sitting there not doing anything except for listening and maybe reading the lyrics and like Thinking and Feeling and lately i’ve been doing that with two songs called Haley and Masterpiece both of which devastate me and are wildly good. here are my thoughts on each

so haley is a love song but it’s a love song with a kind of ambiguously platonic ambiguously romantic tone where the speaker is talking to the titular haley and like thinking about the time that they’ve spent together and then saying that they’ll always have room for them. “if you ever want to come back / you know my arms are always open” (this kills the me it hurts). to me it all kind of reads like the speaker was friends w haley but always had some feelings for her and now they’ve both moved on and gone away and nothing is ever going to happen between them but there’s still that feeling of a person being special and important and wanting them to be cared for. that said tho it’s all very almost impressionistic like there are details but also it’s got these kind of hazy gaps and implications and places where the lyrics get very figurative which i love like the chorus where they’re offering space and a home to haley is the most concrete and direct part of the song. my actual fave thing about the song is the way the pitch rises and falls like the vocal melody is so beautiful and odd. especially especially the start of the chorus when lenker sings “and OH!!!” and jumps up a couple whole tones like it’s this very sudden airy high note that is so cool and lovely. great song

masterpiece. masterpiece fucks me up masterpiece gets to me okay like maybe it’s just the mommy issues but wow does it make me feel things. it is a song about having a complicated relationship with your mom lol and specifically like seeing your mom’s flaws and also knowing that you’ve inherited some of them and like both of you wanting to help the other and not totally being able to. and the turns of phrase in it are so so beautiful like “old stars filling up my throat / you gave ‘em to me when i was born / now they’re coming out” is just a very pretty string of words. i love the titular metaphor too like the first part of the chorus is “you saw the masterpiece / she looks a lot like you” and even just that like. seeing your daughter and/or mother as a masterpiece that looks a lot like you. the love and awe and admiration and also (sometimes uncomfortable) self-recognition. it gets to me. and really and truly i could keep listing lyrics i like from this song but i would eventually just have the whole thing lol it’s a great one. i don’t relate to every bit of it but the parts i do Hit and the parts i don’t Also Hit like it has personal resonance and also is beautiful and emotional and well made. masterpiece by big thief song of the summer

[simbelmyne20niniel]

So we both were exhausted. Alright, I'll try to remember to send you the photos after Christmas!

I still didn't listen to "God Only Knows", I'm stuck at their second album now and "Surf Jam" just got stuck in my head - that sweet drum intro, I am melting 🫠 I'll give a listen to "God Only Knows" tho!

Haha, in RuPaul's Drag Race in the best drag outfit ever! He was a true beast on drums and I love "Who Are You" video, especially the parts where Keith is just goofing around - the end of it tho is a peak. Pete wants a high five and Keith slaps his hand so hard that Pete yelps 😂

This video shows how generous he was, it was a great thing he bought them instruments. That's one of a few times we could see a good side of Keith in media 💜

He was right on that tho, she says, I can't hahahahahahahaha! Keith's shitposting on social media would be the best kind of shitpost - The Who would be known for the shitpost not their music anymore!

I didn't know Green Day took inspiration from "Tommy" when they were working on "American idiot" album, that's such a neat piece of info.

John really has difficult chords on bass. My bestie is learning how to play bass and she tries to play The Who's songs. She's cursing a lot while doing so, she told me it's very difficult, plus the rhythm is very fast.

"Roger's voice and hair are cultural heritage of rock" - truer words had never been spoken!

Alright, about the fic - it's published on AO3. Go in the movie section, go in Tommy tag and once you spot fic that's called "His Sweet Candy" then that's the one. Fair warning tho: it's explicit, read the tags before you click on it, I don't know how much you're okay with things in fiction, but I hope it won't make you uncomfortable because I would love to get some comments! And please, don't think of me as weird when you see it 🙏

I love your choice of their favorite songs!

Oh Gosh, believe me, I imagined myself dancing with David when I saw this scene for the first time!

NO WAY you like Rick Allen this much, he's one of my favorite drummers! I absolutely love his work on "High 'N' Dry", the song "No No No" might be my favorite of them mainly because of the guitars and Rick's drumming.

NO WAY (again) that you like Jim this much! He is the reason why I'm in the classic rock fandom. I heard "People Are Strange" randomly on spotify and it literally took the first three notes and his voice and I was swept off my feet! I also love his lyrics, his poems, he is a legend really 💜 Love that moodboard!

As for other bands - that we didn't talk about yet, I think - it would be:

The Jam - really new to them. I actually bought their album at random, a compilation of their songs and I fell in love, they sound so good and the drummer? Please, he's GOOD

Rainbow - Cozy freaking Powell, do I even need to say more?

Pink Floyd - I love their vibe. I need to be in a mood to listen to them, but "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" is my favorite (the whole song, whole 25 minutes)

The Police - Stewart Copeland, he's the entire reason why I listen to them. Heard "Roxanne" randomly, heard his drumming and thought: "This drumming is GOOD" and here I am, having his as my third favorite drummer

Wings - I listen to them mainly because of Paul McCartney, but not to every album. I have three favorites and atop all of them is "Red Rose Speedway". I love each song that is on it, this album is so calm 💜 But there's also "Back to The Egg" and "Rockestra Theme" and John Bonham drums there, I cannot walk past that

The Beatles - I have to be in a mood to listen to them, but generally I listen to them because of Ringo - I even have a small plushie of him! There's something good about his drumming, something very catchy (hence why I listen to his solo music as well)

Led Zeppelin - John Bonham, second favorite drummer. They sound absolutely amazing, but I'm being me and I listen to drums, probably destroying my hearing slowly

What are your thoughts on the bands that I've mentioned? Feel free to skip on the ones we've talked about or the ones you don't know!

Sorry!! I thought I had published my answer hahahaahha, but here it is!!! I hope that your friend gets to master all those chords!!! "And please, don't think of me as weird when you see it" WHAT???!!! Do not worry about it, I know it is fiction, and plus.... we are all weird in our own way!!! 

Yes, RICK ALLEN!!! I love that he got in the band thanks to his mom. If I ever have children of my own, I want to be that supportive!! Sometimes I think he doesn't get the recognition he should. There is a Rolling Stones Magazine about the 100 Greatest Drummers, but I don't remember seeing him there. He should be on that list!

Jim's poetry is just..... *chef kiss* It is sad that he died so young. The 27 Club is such a ROMAN EMPIRE. A lot of talented people there, that left us wanting more. People are Strange is one of my favorite songs too. And thank you! I'm so happy that you liked the moodboard! 

The Jam is a cool band. I do see why you like them. I've heard songs but not the full albums. They are one of the bands I want to listen to more. I think I'll do in this winter break. 

No way!! You like Rainbow!! Powell is such a legend. Blackmore and Dio. From them I like:

Catch The Rainbow

Stargazer

Stone Cold

From Wings, I don't listen to them a lot, few songs, like the most popular from them to be honest. But I do see why people like them a lot. I mean, Paul lyrics are great. Plus, Paul and Linda <3 ICONIC couple.

Ringo!!! He always looked to be in such a good mood while playing the drums. If my memory serves me right, in The Beatles: Get Back there is part where, after one of their many arguments about leaving the band, they went to Ringo's house, and they agreed to return the next day. They all relied on him at that moment, Ringo the real "chill guy" from the band.

Stewart Copeland has the looks, has the talent. I love the Walking On The Moon video. He's just there with his drumsticks playing different objects and that space rocket or spaceship (I don't what it is xD)

As I told you, I love Pink Floyd, but what you said is totally true for me too. You have to be in a certain mood to listen to them. My favorite of them are: 

Shine On You Crazy Diamond (full)

Wish You Were Here

The Great Gig It The Sky

Brain Damage + Eclipse (that transition!!!!!)

High Hopes

Echoes (full)

The Gnome

Bike

See Emily Plays

I also totally agree with Rick and David that "Wish You Were Here" is their best album. But, If I have to choose my three favorite albums from them... the order goes:

The Dark Side Of The Moon

Wish You Were Here

The Piper At The Gates Of Dawn

What I also love about Led Zeppelin is John Paul John's contributions. He was not only playing the bass but many other instruments. Bonham is so great!! I once read that Bonham was probably the only drummer to keep on and adjust to Page improvisations on live shows.

This is a jam!!!

I'm going to mention some artists and tell me what you think about them: Simon and Garfunkel, The Cure, T. Rex, Zombies, Rory Gallagher

And... How was your day? 

[rosenbraut]

CR's music isn't for me and i get actively annoyed by the way ppl hail her as the first ~important 'lesbian' singer (i think she has been open abt the fact she has dated both men and women), but i think saying she leaves her songs open to interpretation so as not to risk anything or as a marketing gimmick is kind of reductive, since in her music videos she kisses women, she hires drag queens as her support acts, and has been very open about the journey her sexuality took 1/2

as she grew up in a very conservative christian household. even tho i don't rly like her music (she has one or two i like), her pointing out when ppl yelled at her on twt for playing in US states that have bathroom bills that even so there are still lgbtq people in those states who need visible support was i think a good point. it's probably different in europe and not interesting to you, but here in the US where everything seems to be regressing i appreciate her msg if not her music

Firstly, thank you for reaching out and adding a "genuine USAmerican voice" to the discussion! :) You're also right, I am lacking an intimate knowledge of the current emotional states of the US. For the record: she seems very cool as a person and I don't mean to belittle her activism or the way she's using her platforms. I also don't think she's to blame for how she's hailed as the lesbian queen of music atm, that's just general biphobia (I also think we should keep in mind that sexuality is a constant journey of discovery, so me talking about her being bisexual now is me going from what she herself has said. if she later on says she's a lesbian, I'd never insist on calling her bisexual due to her past relationships with men, obviously. At the same time, I find it uncomfortable and harmful that so many people deny her mlw experiences with that sweeping "lesbian" diagnosis. Bisexuals exist.)

Just to clear up any confusion about what I meant re:marketability: Her using "you" makes the song open to interpretation. Straight people won't feel alienated by "and you're eating me out", because they can easily read the other person as male. That's a privilege other songs don't have. Even Lil Nas X, who uses 2nd person in Montero, doesn't have that privilege because, although the "you" is neutral, he makes it very clear who he's addressing. And of course she's completely free to sing about men, I just find it tiresome that her songs are hailed as gay anthems when they're ambiguous at best. If you want to make most of these applicable to the straight experience, you don't even have to change the pronouns, because there are none. And I do think it's intentionally ambiguous. "And she's eating me out" is going to get way less streams than "and you're eating me out", which fits neatly into the heartbroken Spotify playlist next to Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift, lyrics-wise. And, to make that clear, I don't think it's a bad thing to keep marketability in mind, especially since lgbt+ artists are held to such a high standard - look at Jojo Siwa or Sam Smith the second they are undeniably lgbt+. In short: My comment was strictly referring to her lyrics.

It's great that she supports drag performers and makes out with girls in her videos. Music Videos especially are very impactful - think of Hayley Kiyoko's Girls like Girls and what it did for the wlws of the 2010s (but also... again, do you think "girls like girls like boys do" is as relatable to a straight audience as "do you like this beat? I made it so you'd sleep with me"?).

Anyhow, bottom line: I'm glad she exists, I'm happy she makes music, I'm sure she's touching a lot of people, lifting them up and making them feel seen. Her looks are fun. I just think we shouldn't trip over our feet to hail her as something she isn't (the first lesbian singer ever to make music).

This goes to say: I agree with you! 🍓 I just wanted to explain better what I meant by marketability. Also tbh, it’s perfectly fine with me if she wants to sing about men. I feel like this whole answer came across more blunt than I meant it to be.

[tjsplace]

APR 27

i think i'd be a good manager. i love making artist plans. the strategy, the supervising, the creative ideas, and executing them for a project that i'm passionate about. something that excites me. the idea of managing an artist or a band sounds super cool right now. now i just gotta find a musical project like that. i still haven't found a group or person with that musical connection to the songs. sure,

my mom just called to tell me my godmother's mom died last night. it's a pretty tragic story. i didn't know the woman, and i haven't talked to my godmother in years. my mom said i should text her. but i'm too high to think of anything right now. but the thing i just wrote like 4 minutes ago feels so... stupid right now, my career aspirations are never as important as death. i guess. i don't know. writing is therapeutic. i hadn't written in a while, and i wonder why. maybe i'm just lazy and don't wanna handwrite in my journal. maybe. maybe it's always hard to take a look at myself because i always second-doubt what i write. feels like my writing goes fast but my brain goes even faster. especially with grammarly lmfaoo. because it always has corrections for me. which is great for professional purposes i guess. but when i'm free writing, it's kind of annoying. useful for another context, and also annoying. why do i keep checking them tho? been listening to benny nonstop since the ep dropped yesterday. it's such a good song. has a hopeful production but the lyrics are devastating and maybe that's what melancholy and nostalgia are, which is exactly what luke hemmings wants to evoke, according to the interviews. that campaign was insane. it was good but insane. too much content bombarding. such good ideas. that's where i got most of mine for the ep. i hope i can pull this off. start working as an independent artist or a manager or something in marketing, at the end of this year. something that will give me money. i feel so guilty about being privileged enough to get money for my parents to live, while i finish uni. i don't have a job. i should get a job but i'm focusing a hundred percent on my ep. is that wrong? should i not do that? it doesn't help that i chain-smoke every day. i can't quit. i'm terrified. i can't do it. i'm diminishing my cigarette intake but it's not fast enough. but i feel like i can't rush it or it'll be worse. but i'm also terrified about what to do with my anxiety if i stop smoking at all. nicotine gum is not the same and it's gross. besides, every time i stop smoking for a certain amount of time -be it a month and a half or two days- then i come back even more addicted. i smoke so much more and i can't have a nicotine relapse. it's so lame. is it lame? or is it just like "fuckkk, i can't do it, i need to smoke almost two packs a day." like, what the fuck is that? that's one thing. the addiction. the other thing is the privilege to have this one right now. because if i didn't get money from my parents, i wouldn't be able to smoke at all. but what would happen to me? would i go back to a really dark place because i don't have something to ease my feelings? would i start smoking more pot? oof, hard questions, man.

my mind spirals uncomfortably to the point that i can't do basic actions, like pick up my phone or type on my laptop. it gets so overwhelming in here, in my body. i just wanna smoke. i'm cold because i gotta keep the window open because i'm a dumbass that smokes in her own room. at least i'm not bothering my roommates by smoking in the living room. it would be cold and smelling of cigarettes all the time. i'd rather have just that to be my room. this song is so fucking addictive. i'd set myself on fire to keep you warm. the production! i'm obsessed.

2:50 pm

i really really want to write a song right now. pen and pad out. guitar on hand. chords to try out. i just gotta figure out what i want to say. what the song is about. i clearly have a lot to say, a lot on my mind. just gotta pick one. so hard but so therapeutic. it's gotta about my bpd, right? not only because it could be for my uni project, but also it's what i live in, right? i have bpd, it's getting better. i watched this video of bpd 101 and i could relate to so much. and it said you can be in remission for it as you get older. and i feel like i'm getting there. is it about to be a hopeful song? do i want it to be hopeful? what is the feeling i'm trying to convey? i'm really feeling this melancholia. The day is light but gloomy. my room is cold and i gotta clean it. what else am i seeing? okay. i gotta write now before i don't want to anymore.

9 pm

wrote chord progression sections for 45 minutes. then i ate something and i took a nap until seven. now i'm gonna mix. crazy.

9.30 pm

listening to benny while exporting stems on ableton feels surreal. maybe i'm high but i don't think that's the only thing. it's the vibe. night. dark outside. cigarette smoke in a cold bedroom. messy clothes on the floor. just when you think the song is gonna be predictable in the chords, they change for a third time in benny. i'm just amazed by the construction of this song. the contrasting sections. like fuck. amazing. okay, gotta keep mixing. stems ready to be mix in another session.

10 pm

maybe i don't know ableton as well as i thought. i've been trying to export these stems for half and hour now and it should've taken me only five minutes. i don't know which tracks to solo to export grouped stems. they're just five or six, i think.

my addiction's too strong, now i don't have any money.

the bassline in benny is very much like the meet you there (5sos) bassline. very melodic but not as distorted and with more reverb. it's also more opaque. the lyric in benny "am i being too cold, is this all i can be?" hits so hard when you watch a luke hemmings interview. and after you've grown up with him in your twenties like i have. i met 5sos by accident in 2018. my sister was blasting Youngblood (single) all day and i really liked the song. and once i found the album, i fell hard into this beautiful whirlwind of songs and lyrics. i admire them so much as songwriters, producers and musicians. and even as people, but i don't really know them so i can't be sure.

10.45 pm

okay if this thing doesn't work imma have to keep using the same session and pray to god it doesn't crash. can't believe i've been trying to figure this out for over an hour. i'm high and a little drunk and also hungry. as usual. hold on, i think it worked. i have the isolated bass stem. finally. sometimes i feel like such a nerd and that makes me feel good about myself for a reason. i like being the cool, nerdy about music and audio girl. it makes me proud of myself. the life i've created for myself. am i privileged to have this life? for sure. do i deserve it? maybe that's not a question i need to ponder on right now. or maybe ever.

[kats-midnight-shitposts]

Okay so I’m in a ✨s i t u a t I o n✨

I’m talking to two guys (I know I know I’m such a whore), and flirting with both of them

Which feels morally wrong even tho I’m not in a relationship with either of them

Boy A I’ve known a bit longer, and he’s really easy to talk to. We’ve had deep conversations, and I’ve had fun so far

Boy B is, fun to say the least. All caps texting, bonding over writing and memes. Non stop flirting from him, respectful and kind

For a bit, I was way more interested in Boy B, sure the first phone call we had was a bit awkward, but still!

Then I got on the phone with Boy A again, we talked for hours. The conversation flowed so naturally, he kept making me laugh. He let me rant about things I loved - there was never a moment of uncomfortable silence

I realized that I think I like Boy A. And any sort of feelings for Boy B - just vanished. Whoops

Boy B is still texting me, flirting, sending me lyrics of love songs, complimenting me. He told his friends non stop about me. He’s lowkey obsessed

I’m not. BUT I still want to be his friend. SOO operation let this guy down gently by explaining that we actually might have more of a friendship vibe and not a romantic one - and also we wouldn’t have worked in a romantic relationship because you are poly and I’m Not!

I also want his friends insta because she seems really cool and lowkey it was easier to talk to her than it was him on a call

Anyway just

✨y✨I✨k✨e✨s✨

[phagodyke]

bonus list of things that help me motivate to exercise!!

-sticking to a consistent workout timeslot – this way I don’t have to worry abt when to fit it into the day. this is tailored to me, 4-6pm is when I have the most energy + im normally done with any other tasks, I also like exercising just before a main meal bc I get hungry after (and I can’t exercise for 2-3 hours after eating a meal bc I get cramps…). im unemployed atm tho so thisll probably change once I get a job lol

-keeping it flexible – consistency is more important than intensity but theres no point in having a rigid routine if the whole thing blows up bc I missed a single day. working out ‘intuitively’ works best for me for this reason – I don’t feel bad taking the day off when I need it bc I can pick up my routine again whenever I’m ready to

-working out in a way I enjoy and that works for my body – sounds obvious but its rly hard to motivate urself to do any kind of exercise that doesnt feel good for u specifically. I suck at running for example bc I don't find it mentally stimulating enough to stop myself getting distracted and I find it REALLY uncomfortable so I can’t stick with it. taking no commitment classes/taster sessions is a good way of figuring out what you like, depends on where u live etc but I've found tons of friendly local queer sports spaces which rly encouraged me. lots of youtube videos out there too!

-similarly I wear gym clothes I like + feel comfortable in, make sure I eat well earlier in the day and after (fuel up!!) + don’t work out if I haven’t slept well enough the night before. nothing puts me off a routine faster than feeling like I have to suffer for it – negative reinforcement neverrr works. also I find eating regularly/getting enough sleep gets easier for me the more consistent I am with my workout routine so it encourages me to keep at it 💪

-figure out where the friction is and reduce it – for me, going to a gym daily isn’t realistic bc there are too many steps between deciding I want to exercise + doing it (packing a bag, leaving the house, travelling there, checking in, changing, if its busy then waiting for equipment…etc) which is why I work out at home 80% of the time cuz all I have to do is get changed + roll out my yoga mat. the easier it is to start, the easier it is to commit to a routine + resist the urge to give up.

-having an ‘on-ramp’, i.e., a small movement in the right direction to get me to actually Start a task. some days working out feels too daunting or I can’t be bothered but I’ll just go fill up my water bottle. and then I’ll get back to my room and I might as well put my gym shorts on. and then since I’m in the right clothes I can at least do a couple minutes of warmup stretches… etc like just thinking abt it one step at a time.

-rewarding myself – my little treat after every single workout is getting my protein milkshake + a shower + flexing in the mirror when I’m done. some days most of my motivation comes from that alone.. tricking ur brain to associate exercise w a reward + praise rly rly helps especially if ur like me and don’t rly get an endorphin ‘high’ from working out (<- adhd thing I think). never EVER skip the little treat even if u feel like u didn’t work out very hard or spent less time or whatever!! very important. maybe this should’ve been higher up in the list

-keeping myself mentally engaged – adhd makes focusing a bitch. listening to music/podcasts/audiobooks is ESSENTIAL for me to not get distracted. the time I think most abt quitting a workout is inbetween sets so sometimes if its dire I’ll give myself extra tasks e.g., sometimes I leave unsorted laundry on my bed and race to fold as many tshirts as I can in the 20 seconds before I start the next set, or leave a book open so I can read a quick sentence or 2. during isometric holds (like wall sits, planks) I like to do mental math or try to recite song lyrics or poetry bc I haaaate keeping so still and if I think about that too much I’ll give up !! be creative w it

-being held accountable – I sometimes do sports socially, but when I do home workouts it helps to tell a friend or mention on tumblr that im gonna go exercise cuz then I feel like I’ve already committed to it + I have to keep my word! it also helps me to have a couple "role models" in mind when im flagging a bit, either athletes in sports I like or just ppl I admire a lot, or even physically strong/capable fictional characters (cringe ik but it works so) – just anyone who inspires u!!

that’s all I can think of rnnnn so I’m gonna leave it there thank u for sending me an ask I love talking abt working out + hope u got smth out of my monologue :-D anyway its leg day today so I gotta go do that I leave u with some recent arm pics i liked... muah <3

sorry if this is odd to ask but what is your workout routine? I’m trying to motivate myself into exercise again and seeing how other people do it helps. Have a good one!

meant to reply to this sooner but I forgor… getting round 2 it now tho! disclaimer I dunno as much abt exercise science as I’d like to + don’t rly have any 'training' so my approach just comes from personal experience - take this w a pinch of salt lol. I’ll split it in 2 parts: my routine first + then a list of things that personally motivate me in a reblog in case u find any of that useful >:-) (under the readmore cuz this ended up being kind of long 👇)

ok so: I try to ‘actively’ work out 5 days a week. this tends to be broken into 1-2 longer full-body sessions (around 60-120 mins long, at the mo usually bouldering/parkour or a full-body home workout) with a rest day before/after + then 3-4 shorter home workouts (30-60 mins long, usually some form of weight/resistance training, targeting specific muscle groups). e.g. a fortnightly workout timetable might look smth like this for me:

I don’t tend to plan specific workouts more than a few days in advance so I don’t actually follow an explicit timetable like this. instead I set aside an ‘exercise timeslot’ every day (usually 4-6pm) and I’ll intuitively decide how to work out on the day – i.e., what part of my body feels ready to go? what part feels tired + needs a break? do I have the energy/focus to do 45 mins or do I need to shorten it to 30? do i need a rest day? working out regularly means I have a good sense of how long I need for certain muscles to recover so if there’s an activity I want to do on a specific day (like a sports club I wanna attend) I’ll keep it in mind and plan accordingly so I’m fresh for that. as a rule of thumb, I avoid working the same muscle group on consecutive days + give myself a full rest day before & after any intensive full-body workout. I also try to never take more than 3 back-to-back rest days unless I’m sick/on my period/life gets in the way – otherwise its very easy for me to fall out of routine even if I’ve maintained it for months beforehand (<- adhd ass)

(also worth noting – my ‘rest days’ aren’t completely ‘inactive’ – I’ll go for a walk or do some stretches/yoga or another gentle activity instead. I need a lot of physical movement in my life or I go stir crazy <- adhd ass strikes again)

my ‘home workouts’ are the sort of movements u can do at a gym with the equipment there, but I replicate them with a yoga mat + my own weights + a sturdy chair. I have 6kg & 10kg pairs of dumbbells, plus yoga blocks + resistance bands for extra challenge. most of my workouts are based on resistance/interval training, which is focused on increasing strength by repeating sets of movements/holds at a consistent intensity/pace for specific lengths of time, with short timed rest periods in-between (e.g., a typical workout might look like 45 mins of 45 movements targeting 1-2 muscle groups, each done for 40 seconds followed by a 20 second break before immediately moving onto the next).  I like it bc I can rly feel the progress I make + find it satisfyingly challenging (<-masochist) but also bc its easy to tailor to my own ability/how much energy I have that day etc by changing weights/pace. it also works with my adhd brain bc I only have to do each movement for 40-50 seconds at a time before moving on to smth else so I don’t get as easily distracted (as opposed to doing like xyz number of reps for xyz sets). if you’re interested, I swear by caroline girvan – I’ve done her EPIC programmes a few times now + often cherrypick from her videos when I want to work certain muscle groups without sitting down + compiling a list of individual exercises + setting a timer myself. the ‘EPIC beginner’ series is a great intro to her longer ones, I sometimes use that to ease myself back into working out if I haven’t for a while, but be warned it isn’t aimed at ppl who are completely new to that style of exercise. I think she has an app now that comes with an ‘absolute beginner’ version + a 14 day free trial(?) so might be worth checking that out. I will admit some of her stuff is TOUGH - I still can't do all of them w the same weights/pace she does... I particularly struggled with wrist strength when I started out too and had to do some separate conditioning/strengthening exercises before I could even work up to doing like. a single push up on my knees... so if u do check her out try not to get put off by how crazy strong she is bc thats literally her career skfjkj the important thing is just doing it to the best of ur own ability/to ur point of hypertension + keeping good form throughout!!

full body home workouts are pretty much more of the same just longer since I'm hitting more muscles (i.e. 60-90 mins) + sometimes with cardio elements (altho I can’t do HIIT workouts involving jumping at home bc I’m a respectful upstairs neighbour 😔). If I go to the bouldering gym (I try to go fortnightly atm) I’ll usually spend ~2 hours, focusing on trying to send one route at a time until my arms give out. im currently getting confident with V2 grades and tentatively working on V3s. its probs my fave sport, there's a level of problem solving to it that I find rly mentally stimulating... even tho I boulder solo, trips to the gym are social for me bc I often end up chatting to ppl working on nearby problems + picking up technique/advice from them, its a v welcoming space (I'm also planning on joining my new city's queer climbing group!). the parkour sessions I go to are also social, they're run locally for free around the city + structured by more experienced members in the community. they usually involve a warmup, conditioning, drills focusing on certain movements/jumps etc, and then free 'play' trying to put those moves into context. again ~2 hours long. im def not a pro at climbing or parkour but theyre super fun + would 100% rec if ur interested + can find a friendly local group for either, u can teach urself using online resources too :-)

goes without saying but I also warm up for at least 5 mins before doing ANYTHING!!! I try to cater it to the muscle group im planning on working with but still cover the whole body cuz its important to get ur heart rate up + even when u focus on one muscle group there will be others that get dragged in. I don't rly have a 'set' warmup but again caroline girvan has some good ones on her channel 👍 likewise always good to cool down after with stretches cuz future me will be grateful for it.. altho sometimes I'm a bit lazy abt it 🤭

okkkk i think that’s pretty much the bulk of it, I’ll stick my motivation tips in the reblog 😁

[babyboybuckley]

it’s true romance is dead, i shot it in the chest then in the head

[mariesocuniverse]

Byeol’s Relationships: Maknae Line

HanByeol

You know how people say jisung is Chan’s first kid? Yeah that

the same thing basically goes for byeol as well

As much as they clown each other jisung really values her opinions and always asks for it

Whether it be music, lyrics or anything else he always asks Byeol for her opinion

he hasn’t told her this before but he tried writing a song for Byeol to sing solo but he’s too shy about it

also another person she forces to go to bed bc 3racha can wait i’ll fight you all myself if i have to

She’s the sister he never knew he wanted

he gets really sad whenever he does something that disappoints her and doesn’t want her to have that facial expression again

he also very much is very greedy whenever he wants byeol’s love and affection

like what do you mean hyunjin is her favorite? that’s a lie

very clingy and likes to hug and hold her hand whenever they’re going somewhere

he denies it but jisung gets very pouty whenever he doesn’t get enough attention

you know thats ppl who go “Byeoooooooooool” when calling someone? he’s like that

byeol pretends to be annoyed but hasn’t done anything to stop it so everyone knows shes lying

ByeoLix

byeol literally had to do a double take when she heard felix speak for the first time bc that face and voice did not match upon first glance

after that tho?

sun can’t compare with how much these two shine

she didn’t know what it was about Felix but she immediately wanted to become friends with him on sight

she wasn’t surprised at all when felix befriended chan even though chan had his whole dark and edgy persona

Byeol likes to call him her personal energizer

One time he made her brownies when she was on her period and she cried

They’re just so soft with each other it’s so sweet

She was so heartbroken when he got eliminated and needed a moment to take a break

She once again wanted to fight jyp when he came back

sometimes when he speaks english she repeats after him in tiny

Felix’s family jokes that she might be a lost Lee sister that they never knew they had and one of felix’s sisters said byeol might be replacing them

in another world, Lee Byeol would be the biological sibling to Felix

although she’s still very much like family to him even though not by blood :D

he’s very much the person who would go out and be like “Oh noona would like this” or “this reminds me of noona”, etc etc

they both have sections in the rooms of stuff they’ve both for each other

they giggle so much whenever they’re together its honestly so adorable

SeungByeol

this guy right here

Surprisingly these two were very awkward when they first met

Seungmin thought Byeol had a certain aura to her that intimidated him so he felt a little uncomfortable

Byeol did her best to make him feel comfortable while also trying not to push boundaries

But it worked!!!

Sometimes Byeol jokingly says she regrets it bc now?

This boy takes any opportunity to tease her without fail much to her dismay

one little mistake and it wouldn’t be missed by this little shit

seungmin is literally “i can be your angle or i can be your devil” to her

but its all in good fun so she usually lets it go

top tier banter with the two of them and sometimes they don’t stop until someone pulls them apart

he called her cringe once and byeol has never felt more offended in her life

he really is the annoying yet endearing younger brother byeol didn’t know she wanted

whenever seungmin records byeol likes to sit in the recording room and listen bc she likes his voice a lot

seungmin thinks that the two of them have a nice mix of voices and want to do a cover together with jeongin

he likes hearing her sing and play piano bc its calming to him

just a typical sibling dynamic

JeongByeol

Byeol’s baby!

She just has the urge to love and take care of the boy you know?

Does he take advantage of it? Depends on the day

byeol always make sure that jeongin is okay and that he knows he’s talented and worthy of being in the group and debuting

she always has this proud look on her face whenever he’s singing

she ruffles his hair and pinches his cheeks a lot like a grandma

sometimes byeol’s sister likes to joke that he’s basically replacing her as the younger sibling

its not yang jeongin anymore guys in lee jeongin

he accidentally called her mom once and everyone could not stop laughing for a whole five minutes

byeol is like an emotional pillar for jeongin to lean on whenever he needs to talk about anything

he’s the youngest so byeol knows that he needs to be taken care of 

she makes sure his voice is always heard during interviews and hypes him up during variety shows

jeongin also returns the favor by doing things like pulling her away from crowds whenever she gets too far

she’s very much someone he looks up to bc he knows how difficult it is to be in this type of group

he has the mindset of “if its this hard for me, it must be harder on byeol” so he does his best to help byeol even if its the tiniest bit