#even more sadness
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I'm Not Built for Helping Myself
chapter index | chapter 1 (you are here)
- JEREMIAH -
Nothing at the summer house felt the same without her there. That was the one and only thing I was confident would never change. Sometimes I wished I was back in Boston, with too many bad memories to make it a happy place. There I could be mad at her, at Dad, at Conrad, even. Here all I can picture is her smile, the one reserved for summer, for Cousins. The rest of the year were tight-lipped, plastered on smiles that never reached her eyes. I couldn't blame her, though. I wore the same one. Dad and Conrad, however, prefered a blank slate. Cold and bitter, telling everything and showing nothing.
I almost think that if I could leave, I would. I would go and never come back, never remember her smile, or the dresses that were still hung in her closet. When I was little Belly and I used to sneak into her room and play dress up. Belly wore her button down (the only one Susannah had owned) and made me wear her heels and her frilly dresses she'd buy for the fancy dinners Dad took her out to. They had stopped doing that when I was 12, they started back up as apology dinners when I was 14. We'd leave the place a mess, and looking back, Mom definitely knew what we were up to when we'd run off scheming, giggling to ourselves — unbeknownst to us that we were giggling to everyone else, too. Dad found us once, I was dressed in my mom's favorite shade of blue, Belly and I putting on her brightest red lipstick. I haven't touched makeup since, made Conrad put the contents of her vanity in a tote to go in the attic.
I think that if I ever really did leave, Conrad would kill me. I don't think Conrad could ever let people know how much he cares about them, not without hurting them. He's trying, I have to remind myself. Maybe he wouldn't kill me, maybe he would track me down and never stop texting and calling. Not to convince me to come back, just to yell at me. Just to hurt me enough to make sure I know Conrad cares about me, but not to care about me enough to make sure I know I hurt him. Maybe if I couldn't read Connie so well that approach would actually work.
"That's stupid," I think. I don't even make sense in my own head. I get why everyone wants me to be happy all the time now, it's so much less confusing for everyone.
"Jere, c'mon man. Liam's having a party tonight. You're the DD!" Steve yells as he runs past me, not waiting for me to object. I'm excited, excited to get out of my head a little. Spend some time with my brother, Steven, and — mainly — Belly.
I should go check on her. I'm so in love with her that sometimes I think it might kill me. I've never felt anything good so strongly, nothing that hasn't crushed my lungs. I know Conrad feels that way too, know about the panic attacks. Maybe I'm a bad brother for not telling him I know, but Conrad has always shut down when people notice things about him. The problem with me is that I never stops noticing, but I know how to pretend. I'd help, though, in a heartbeat. If I was there when he had one, mysterious older brothers be damned, I would help him. Would ask him for 5 things he can see. I don't have the heart to tell Conrad that anxiety is genetic, that I get them too. I can't tell him about how I get sick when I'm anxious, how I sit in bed and cry and have panic attack after panic attack when the weight of this house and the last get to be too much.
I want to. I want to look at Conrad and find what used to be there. But I can't. I try and bile rises up my throat, and really, that's the problem in the first place. So what's the point? I've never been one for holding grudges, and I'm not. If accused of it, I wouldn't deny it, but that's not what this is about. It's about trust. I trusted him, I needed him. And he wasn't there. I knows it's not fair, not fair to ask Conrad to take care of me, look after me, care about me. I know it's not fair, but I can't help thinking that I do it every time. Conrad thinks he's the only one that carries everything, but he isn't. I'm the one there to pick up the pieces and glue them back together whenever Conrad drops it. I've always looked up to Conrad, but more, I've always looked after Conrad. When Dad went to London for two weeks because he was mad at me, I was there for Connie, not the other way around. It's not fair, it never has been. But I can't help but want Conrad to care about me the way I care about Conrad. I know he cares about me as much, but I don't care how much he loves me if he won't say it, won't talk about it. I want more than for Con to love me a lot, I want him to love me well.
By the time I get upstairs, Belly is already dressed and putting on her makeup. God, I'll never get over how I can't breathe in a good way whenever I see her. Not like the world stops, like I stop. Because in the entire world all I'm thinking about is her. The world is still there, I just couldn't care less when she is too.
Then she turns around. And she's wearing the same dress that Mom used to love. The same one Dad once caught me in. The first of two times Adam Fisher ever laid a hand on either of his sons. And suddenly that good feeling of can't breathe, of too much is very much a bad feeling.
"Jere, what's wrong?" But I can't, I can't, I can't. She always could read me too well.
"I-" and I don't get the time to finish my sentence before I'm running to the bathroom. Pulling up the seat and dropping to my knees in front of the toilet. There's a soft hand on my back, rubbing it while her other one grabs a hair tie, pulling my hair back for me. God, I love her.
"It's okay, Jere. Shhh, it's okay. Let it out, I got you" she continues to whisper sweetly into my hair, kissing my head when the worst of it's over. I'm panting, trying to get rid of that feeling of not being able to breathe.
"Ew guys, no being in the bathroom togeth- Oh. You okay man?" Steven walks over, looking like he wants to help but would also rather be anywhere else. He does have a fear of throwing up, afterall.
- BELLY -
"It's fine Steven, he'll be fine. I don't need you throwing up on the floor, get out of here. You and Conrad go, we're not gonna make it." I'm not mad at Jere for being sick, how could I be. But I will be mad if Steven doesn't get out of here and throws up all over the floor because of it. I'm not cleaning it up, and I'm definitely not rubbing his back.
"Are you sure you don't want us to stay here? We can go out and get some crackers," Steven offers, his back turned but still listening intently.
- JEREMIAH -
"No, you go man, I'm good. You've been looking forward to this all day, have a good night" I'm practically begging him. I like to think that if things were different, if I wasn't sobbing over a toilet, begging him to go, Steven would stay. I don't usually get what I like though.
"Yeah, alright dude. We'll see you tonight?" Steven walks out before he gets an answer, I wasn't sure he was really asking a question though.
#tsitp#jeremiah fisher#the summer i turned pretty#tsitp jeremiah#belly conklin#conrad fisher#belly x jeremiah#tsitp belly#tsitp conrad#ik this is a lot#and not very plit or jelly focused#but the next part will be#i promise#so much jelly#so much plot#even more sadness#happy at the end tho!#i swear!#please comment if you like it!#or reblog!#that one paragraph is the longest paragraph i've ever written in a story before#i coukd go on about the fisher sibling dynamic forever#belly taking care of sick jeremiah#writing jenny's wrongs
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well 🧍♀️ as a reminder this blog is NOT a safe space for trump supporters but it IS a safe place for women, queers, trans ppl, people of color, undocumented people, and any marginalized group.
#if youre feeling upset or disillusioned i am right there with you#but now more than ever#i want to remind you of the importance of community#check in on your friends#advocate for your friends#protect your friends#protect your community and who you love and care about#and we will get through this#my dms and inbox are always open#even if you just want to vent#im also so sad right now but we have to be strong and stick together right now#(also if youre not american pls understand this affects us all and to not invalidate the feelings of americans)
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William Afton winning that “idgaf” award in FNAF
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf fanart#fnaf movie#vanessa shelly#fnaf vanessa#vanessa afton#william afton#steve raglan#happy spooky month everyone!!#almost fnaf movie anniversary coming up so wanted to draw some stuff for it#MORE VANESSA THOUGHTS LETS GOO!!#now featuring some William thoughts#I can imagine that shooting her own dad was hard for Vanessa#even though he’s a monster it’s obvious that like#she still cares about him in some way from the brainwashing he’s don’t to her#kinda proves she’s different than her father#meanwhile William did not have that much of a problem#like I know he looked sad for a second after stabbing Vanessa#but he did decide in a split second that was the best choice#William when you catch these hands
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THAT'S A LOTTA DAMAGE (emotional damage that is)
FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT
MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)
#undertale#deltarune#undertale fanart#deltarune fanart#comic#crossover#utdr#crossover comic#twin runes#twin runes comic#twin runes au#art#my art#susie deltarune#chara#you thought we were done with the trauma?#I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED#i had this idea of mind-reading parasites that take the form of the traditional comedy masks for a while now#originally they were more sack shaped#they were based on the bags of dirt in asgore's store#mainly because I wanted to call em “sad sacks”#but then I questioned myself why they should be here of all places#I then turned them into the kinda clamps that keep glass displays together and stable#because that is what the labyrinth is#it's the glass display in asgore's shop
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my campaign hiatus has gone on for too long so to cope ive combined my interests at their maximum potency and had some dnd-strawhats thoughts
thoughts in depth under read more... :)!
this is SO self indulgent. their designs literally did not change. but i am a firm believer that dnd doesnt have to be european high fantasy. and also one piece literally IS fantasy. no changes are necessary to fit into dnd. ive already imagined plenty of campaign/oneshot ideas inspired by one piece. so this was basically just an exercise of trying to replicate their canon abilities in dnd 5e as much as possible without totally homebrewing everything. well. aside from luffy. you just cant take away or change his stretching.
LUFFY: (human monk. drunken master subclass. outlander)
the only plain human of the crew to balance out with the fact that he still has rubber powers. obviously a monk. but drunken master subclass specifically because i think the flavor(not the fact that its about being a drunkard) and abilities both fit him really well. this line in the subclass' flavortext especially fits him: "A drunken master often enjoys playing the fool to bring gladness to the despondent or to demonstrate humility to the arrogant, but when battle is joined, the drunken master can be a maddening, masterful foe."
ZORO: (tiefling fighter. samurai subclass. bounty hunter)
a fighter with the samurai subclass is so very incredibly obvious... but i actually had a lot of fun geeking out while comparing the abilities to what he can do in canon; Fighting Spirit, Rapid Strike, and Strength Before Death especially! tiefling is also pretty on the nose for his demon pirate hunter shtick and asura form, but i thought he'd be really human-passing for a tiefling and theorized about his tail getting cut off at some point or another before joining the strawhats. initially wasnt gonna give him a feat, but i gave sanji a feat so i thought itd be unfair to not give him one as well, so sentinel fits the bill pretty well i think!
NAMI: (tabaxi rogue. arcane trickster subclass. criminal)
cat burglar -> full grown literal humanoid cat. this one is INCREDIBLY self indulgent... i love... cats... theres nothing deeper to this and no other reasoning. i took cat burglar and ran with it. can you tell that i love izutsumi dungeon meshi? rogue for the aforementioned burglar-ing as well, and the arcane trickster subclass for when she picks up climatact! the mage hand will be very useful for her pickpocketing. in the future as she levels up with timeskip, i can totally see her multiclassing into wizard as well! weather wizard!
USOPP: (lightfoot halfling artificer. artillerist subclass. urchin)
I HAD SO MUCH FUN THINKING ABOUT HIS CHARACTER SHEET. halfling's Naturally Stealthy ability lets him hide behind his crewmates since theyre (almost) all bigger than him, so its perfect for hiding behind zoro or sanji all the time. Lucky is also perfect for him, and I think Brave fits pretty well too when he puts on the sogeking mask. artillerist artificer is also very fun! tinkering and making magic items for his crew, and i think Eldritch Canon or Arcane Firearm could both be easily reflavored as kabuto or any of his inventions. for emphasizing his sniper-ness, the spell sniper feat was also necessary. i think hes my favorite of all the concepts. big ears and long nose combo is so cute to me.
SANJI: (half-elf monk. drunken master subclass. guild artisan (cook!))
race was mostly based on vibes i wont lie. squints. and that vinsmoke balogna or whatever too ig. but mostly vibes. along with the idea that i think a dwarf zeff raising him would be really funny and cute. monk is also obvious, and same subclass as luffy for mostly the same reasons. though the flavor fits him much less, i think the abilities still fit him perfectly, and this blurb specifically; "Your martial arts technique mixes combat training with the precision of a dancer." i really wanted to give him a different subclass from luffy, but i dislike all the other monk subclasses a lot and i found none of them fit him as well anyways, so to try and give them SOME differences, i gave him the crusher feat.
CHOPPER: (awakened deer(shifter statblock) cleric. life subclass. hermit)
this ones definitely a mouthful im sorry. awakened deer for obvious reasons, but due to magic instead of devil fruit stuff. when i was struggling with his race, i looked a lot at shifter because of his forms, but it occurred to me that itd be super cool if he could shift between all of the different shifter options instead of being stuck with just one to replicate his rumble balls. something like heavy point/guard point=beasthide, horn point/arm point(?maybe?)=longtooth, walk point/jumping point=swiftstride, and brain point=wildhunt. hed definitely need some kind of nerf though to balance out that homebrew... and cleric for class. duh.
ROBIN: (high elf wizard. order of scribes subclass. criminal)
robin is definitely the one i struggled the most with just because of her class. elf came pretty easily- shes very elegant and i think shed look cute with super long ears- and i landed on high elf instead of wood elf for the int-based abilities. i was really on the fence between sorcerer and wizard for her because i knew shed be a full spellcaster, but i didnt feel that any of the subclasses really fit her. i ended up going with wizard for order of the scribes since it focuses on texts and knowing everything. but also because robin with a flying talking sentient book would be crazy cool. it could also be similar to how she spawns mouths and eyes places to talk to or watch people. my "fuck it, why not. this would be rad. its my house" mindset kicked in with her i will admit. also the One with the Word ability made me cackle out loud when i read it. thats the funniest ability ever. anyways, i cant really think of a way to replicate her powers, but maybe we could just reflavor a bunch of spells to be her limbs or clutch; hold person, maximillian's earthen grasp, or evard's black tentacles. thatd probably work okay, and theres a handful of spells to replicate her ability to spawn eyes or mouths. unrelated, but i imagine nico olvia to be a drow. why? her hair is white. i am a simple man!
#had a full on fixation explosion with this one Dont even look at me im posting this at 4am for a reason.#I HAD FUN THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. I MISS DND SO BAD. CAMPAIGN HIATUS OVER SOON. I MUST LIVE#not really like an au or redesign or whatever but i wanted to draw a lineup anyways to show just. very miniscule differences#i guess. mostly an excuse just to draw a lineup of the strawhats. i fucknig guess#will probably do a part 2 cause i have more thoughts; franky+brook+ace+vivi are on the menu boys#its bothering me so much that usopp and nami are both orange in the read more. but there is no yellow text-fill on tumblr. sad#also just fist fought this post in the drafts for an hour bc i dont understand the character limit#so if i fucked this up im moving to the mountains#wtf... art#one piece fanart#dnd#dnd 5e#mugiwara crew#straw hat pirates#monkey d luffy#luffy#roronoa zoro#zoro#cat burglar nami#nami#usopp#black leg sanji#sanji#tony tony chopper#nico robin
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the continued adventures of an internet user who was frozen in 2004 and defrosted in 2021: some things are just the way you left them
previous 2004 internet user comics are here: one, two, three, four, five; or just in my 2004 tag
#2004#art#comic#comics#internet#nostalgia#neopets#aisha#february 2024 art#2024 art#02132024#did i... forget to upload this one on tumblr in february lol#too distracted by mewtwo's birthday i guess#i have been playing neopets since elementary school#we're talking barely sentient#and i still play every day#it's not really my intention to make a low effort Relatable Comic here#but to capture a specific feeling i have when i feed my neopets#pet sims are unlike anything else to me#they just have this feeling about them that is more intimate than other games even when it's basic text and images#i guess that's why my comic is like#Pet Sim But Sad#lmao
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[ x ]
#enough heartbreak guys time to be happy#tho now that i think of it... it's really sad if that post was trey visiting restaurant jade works at while they never exactly be together#or trey is married to someone else; and when he got dementia even tho he didn't remember the wife he married anymore he still remembers jad#and was taken there to visit his restaurant again; or jade was called to deliver food to the aged care trey was at#augh...... also if anyone wants more clarification jade eating his own poison is implying he ended his own life#lmao what am i saying on this happy post let's get to tagging#twst#twisted wonderland#treyjade#trey clover#jade leech#fanart
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Book 2 au: sparring sessions and short hair katara
They like to have sparring sessions in order to keep their bending skills sharp. They allow themselves to go all out and not hold back at all cause they know if anyone got hurt, Katara could just heal them
But anyways, wouldn't it be kinda funny if Zuko accidentally burned Katara's hair tho? Aofkqldkkajfjd
The "I think we can save the hairloops" line is from @linnoya-writes thank you for that!! :>>
#zutara#zuko#katara#atla#book 2 au#my art#i mentioned in my last book 2 au post that i wanted to include short hair katara into it and y'all were so supportive of it!! 😭😭😭#so this is how i think it would go#it would happen as katara is trying to evade one of zuko's fire balls#she manages to avoid it but since her hair is long it still caught on fire#she'd be pissed so she water whips the hell out of zuko#and then promptly forgets about it akfhkakdkakdj#even after the sparring session she still hasn't remembered cause 'oh no zuko's in pain i have to help him!'#it isn't until zuko even mentions it that she remembers#zuko thinks she's more calm than i thought she would be after burning her hair so he mentions it to her#little did he know katara just forgor aldjlakdkaljd#n e ways zuko does feel bad so she offers to help fix it up for her#i think after the haircut katara would find herself looking in mirrors when there are any around cause 'zuko thinks i'm beautiful?? really?#zuko doesn't know this tho and he thinks katara is till sad about the unwanted haircut so he keeps telling her that she looks beautiful#and katara just keeps losing it aldjlakdlald#in conclusion they are idiots your honor
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I've been hopelessly fixated on drawing one (1) sweetheart butchfemme couple ... they're all I think abt ... HELP !!!
(silly lesbian ocs that I love , chae🍓and lucky🍋!!!)
#they are all I draw these days and I don't intend to stop#also hello it's been a thousand years#lesbian art#butchfemme art#femme4butch#butch#femme#lesbian#original characters#oc art#these two are the result of a funny thought that like .#flew waaaay too close to the sun#but I loved them so much I developed them into full ocs#they r so dear to me .........#it is so sad that I can't post the spicy art of them here#tumblr wouldn't even let me post like . nip showing through shirt#so devastating#but either way . I'm excited to share them#I love lesbians and I love being a lesbian !!!!#and I love putting that love into these characters#I have so many plans w them I will bring more . in future times#in the mean time . enjoy !!! I hope u are all well !!!#tags for me ->#lucky#chae#luckychae
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Made way too many posts about jealous Charles so here is Charles actually smiling for a change
#ngl this was supposed to be a happy post but the sheer amount of time his smile drops the minute he's not looked at#or realizes that people aren't matching his energy#is kinda sad#charles rowland#dead boy detectives#paynland#payneland#tagged paynland bc who do u think he's looking at in 10/14 of these#this is obviously not everytime he smiles it's more like everytime he smiles showing teeth while my wifi cooperated enough that i could see#actually not even every time he smiles with teeth just that one smile in particular
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On the surface 🌸
#zelink#skyward sword#zelda#legend of Zelda#loz#loz ss#I just can’t be fast at art it’s so sad#even tho I tried a more simple style and rendering it still took 12 hrs wtf am I doing in that time#loz sksw#loz skyward sword#legend of zelda skyward sword#skyward sword zelink#skyward sword fanart#loz fanart#personal favorites#my art#2024 art
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sometimes you gotta lure your overly-studious ravenclaw gf into spending time with you 🥰 📚 ( from 'Every Teardrop is a Waterfall' by Kat_12739 on ao3, GO READ IT!!! the first story is about seb falling sick and still pushing himself/not admitting he's sick until he ends up in the hospital, the second story is about the birth of seb and clora's daughter and seb's reaction to clora almost dying in childbirth, and the third is about dealing with a fussy newborn lewis😭🥹THEY'RE SO GOOD AND SWEET AND SOMEWHAT SAD (not to mention beautifully written) so go check it out!!💖💖 )
#READ SO I CAN YAP TO SOMEONE ABOUT THEM🙏😩💘#the seb sickfic made me realize how much i needed barely functioning and sick seb (but him still trying to be tough)#theres also a part that cracked me up bc at one point seb is so sick he cant even see straight but he just thinks to himself:#eh its fine.... ill just ask ominis how HE functions without vision later🤷 LMFAO#so stubborn...JUST LET CLORA TAKE CARE OF YOU MFER🤺🤺🤺#defs gonna be drawing more from it especially sick seb LMAO but also seb having a tea party with celeste🥹🥹#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian x mc#hogwarts legacy fanfiction#sebastian sallow fanfiction#hphl#choccyart#also i was never planning on writing anything about clora giving birth or abt the kids so to be able to read it WAS AMAZING#THERES A PART WHERE SEB IS HOLDING CELESTE AND CRYING AT CLORAS BEDSIDE THAT I NEED TO DRAW😭😭#LIKE SRSLY seb being conflicted and not even wanting to HOLD celeste bc he doesnt know if clora is alive or not... IT WAS SO SAD BUT GOOD#i honestly dont know what seb would do if clora died in childbirth tbh.......i could honestly see him resenting celeste#esp since she looks so much like clora😭😭#LETS JUST NOT THINK ABOUT IT!😃👍#(still thinking about it)#like this line in the fic: “Sebastian hesitated; if this was Clora’s last gift to him he wasn’t sure he wanted it.”#😭😭😭ITS SO GOOD UGHHHHH😭 TY AGAIN FOR WRITING THESE💖IM SO TOUCHEDDD💖💖
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- [Nimona]:You should be questioning everything right now. The will of Gloreth, the Institute, the wall. What's it all really for? - [Ballister]: For protecting the realm. - [Nimona]: Oh, you mean from villains like you? Or monsters like me?
#something something we win!!#and something something all the parallels that make me crazy#nimona#nimonaedit#nimona movie#nimona netflix#ballister blackheart#ballister boldheart#ambrosius goldenloin#netflixedit#mine#gif:nimona#gif:movies#all allegories and queerness its just beautiful!!#lgbt#lgbtedit#nimona spoilers#i still have too many thoughts about the whole story#especially nimona's sad realization about the kid being afraid of her bc the society taught her to be afraid of different things#ballister's journey is what makes it all even more visible bc he doesnt trust her at first#and has to unlearn a lot of things but he starts to see her as a person and sees her!! because theyre so similar! theyre the same in a way#and gloreth's journey is similar - where she was told what to think but she didnt question it and immediately turned against nimona#and then the way the director enforces the gloreth's will of keeping them all in something like a cage (wall) without questioning anything#and whover steps out is seen as a threat... yeah just overall really amazing movie.. i have a lot of thoughts
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Elizabeth Afton bets on losing dogs in FNAF..
#myart#chloesimagination#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf fanart#elizabeth afton#circus baby#william afton#fnaf sister location#William WHEN I GET YOU#I know I focus on Michael a lot but let it be known#I feel bad for all the Afton children#Elizabeth has such a sad story to her#all she wanted was her father to acknowledge her#but instead he made circus baby which I think he was more proud of then her#and refused to let Elizabeth see it the one thing she assumes her father made for her#and she dies because of it cause he didn’t watch her#even as baby he isn’t interested in her#he more so focuses on his hate for Michael#Elizabeth has always been an after thought#she deserved so much better#tell your baby that im your baby
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#book of bill#the book of bill#gravity falls#bill cipher#gravity falls axolotl#gravity falls bill cipher fanart#gravity falls bill cipher#1th image:the more trauma he collects the sharper he gets. no more the chonk :< </3#2th: same here#3th: gghhh I'm so sad I drew these for his interest in silly straws thing but after reading the codes on that new page this doesn't feels#the same anymore. what if what they were making him drink wasn't even medicine and just straight up acid? maybe sulfuric maybe nitric...
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REST IN PEACE, DEAR MOONBIN (1998-2023)
#moonbin#astro#moon bin#i don't want to be here right now honestly i just wanted my last post about moonbin to be the ones where hes smiling as my last memory#it kills me to see my posts reblogged with sad messages now#and i still can't believe this news either#i've been mia anyway but now im even less inclined to go on tumblr rn#im so sorry for everyone including family/friends of bin#and himself but i cant think about that bc it will break me apart#rest in peace bin i'll miss you more than anything
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