#even more sadness

[frogsare-friends]

I'm Not Built for Helping Myself

chapter index | chapter 1 (you are here)

- JEREMIAH -

Nothing at the summer house felt the same without her there. That was the one and only thing I was confident would never change. Sometimes I wished I was back in Boston, with too many bad memories to make it a happy place. There I could be mad at her, at Dad, at Conrad, even. Here all I can picture is her smile, the one reserved for summer, for Cousins. The rest of the year were tight-lipped, plastered on smiles that never reached her eyes. I couldn't blame her, though. I wore the same one. Dad and Conrad, however, prefered a blank slate. Cold and bitter, telling everything and showing nothing.

I almost think that if I could leave, I would. I would go and never come back, never remember her smile, or the dresses that were still hung in her closet. When I was little Belly and I used to sneak into her room and play dress up. Belly wore her button down (the only one Susannah had owned) and made me wear her heels and her frilly dresses she'd buy for the fancy dinners Dad took her out to. They had stopped doing that when I was 12, they started back up as apology dinners when I was 14. We'd leave the place a mess, and looking back, Mom definitely knew what we were up to when we'd run off scheming, giggling to ourselves — unbeknownst to us that we were giggling to everyone else, too. Dad found us once, I was dressed in my mom's favorite shade of blue, Belly and I putting on her brightest red lipstick. I haven't touched makeup since, made Conrad put the contents of her vanity in a tote to go in the attic.

I think that if I ever really did leave, Conrad would kill me. I don't think Conrad could ever let people know how much he cares about them, not without hurting them. He's trying, I have to remind myself. Maybe he wouldn't kill me, maybe he would track me down and never stop texting and calling. Not to convince me to come back, just to yell at me. Just to hurt me enough to make sure I know Conrad cares about me, but not to care about me enough to make sure I know I hurt him. Maybe if I couldn't read Connie so well that approach would actually work.

"That's stupid," I think. I don't even make sense in my own head. I get why everyone wants me to be happy all the time now, it's so much less confusing for everyone.

"Jere, c'mon man. Liam's having a party tonight. You're the DD!" Steve yells as he runs past me, not waiting for me to object. I'm excited, excited to get out of my head a little. Spend some time with my brother, Steven, and — mainly — Belly.

I should go check on her. I'm so in love with her that sometimes I think it might kill me. I've never felt anything good so strongly, nothing that hasn't crushed my lungs. I know Conrad feels that way too, know about the panic attacks. Maybe I'm a bad brother for not telling him I know, but Conrad has always shut down when people notice things about him. The problem with me is that I never stops noticing, but I know how to pretend. I'd help, though, in a heartbeat. If I was there when he had one, mysterious older brothers be damned, I would help him. Would ask him for 5 things he can see. I don't have the heart to tell Conrad that anxiety is genetic, that I get them too. I can't tell him about how I get sick when I'm anxious, how I sit in bed and cry and have panic attack after panic attack when the weight of this house and the last get to be too much.

I want to. I want to look at Conrad and find what used to be there. But I can't. I try and bile rises up my throat, and really, that's the problem in the first place. So what's the point? I've never been one for holding grudges, and I'm not. If accused of it, I wouldn't deny it, but that's not what this is about. It's about trust. I trusted him, I needed him. And he wasn't there. I knows it's not fair, not fair to ask Conrad to take care of me, look after me, care about me. I know it's not fair, but I can't help thinking that I do it every time. Conrad thinks he's the only one that carries everything, but he isn't. I'm the one there to pick up the pieces and glue them back together whenever Conrad drops it. I've always looked up to Conrad, but more, I've always looked after Conrad. When Dad went to London for two weeks because he was mad at me, I was there for Connie, not the other way around. It's not fair, it never has been. But I can't help but want Conrad to care about me the way I care about Conrad. I know he cares about me as much, but I don't care how much he loves me if he won't say it, won't talk about it. I want more than for Con to love me a lot, I want him to love me well.

By the time I get upstairs, Belly is already dressed and putting on her makeup. God, I'll never get over how I can't breathe in a good way whenever I see her. Not like the world stops, like I stop. Because in the entire world all I'm thinking about is her. The world is still there, I just couldn't care less when she is too.

Then she turns around. And she's wearing the same dress that Mom used to love. The same one Dad once caught me in. The first of two times Adam Fisher ever laid a hand on either of his sons. And suddenly that good feeling of can't breathe, of too much is very much a bad feeling.

"Jere, what's wrong?" But I can't, I can't, I can't. She always could read me too well.

"I-" and I don't get the time to finish my sentence before I'm running to the bathroom. Pulling up the seat and dropping to my knees in front of the toilet. There's a soft hand on my back, rubbing it while her other one grabs a hair tie, pulling my hair back for me. God, I love her.

"It's okay, Jere. Shhh, it's okay. Let it out, I got you" she continues to whisper sweetly into my hair, kissing my head when the worst of it's over. I'm panting, trying to get rid of that feeling of not being able to breathe.

"Ew guys, no being in the bathroom togeth- Oh. You okay man?" Steven walks over, looking like he wants to help but would also rather be anywhere else. He does have a fear of throwing up, afterall.

- BELLY -

"It's fine Steven, he'll be fine. I don't need you throwing up on the floor, get out of here. You and Conrad go, we're not gonna make it." I'm not mad at Jere for being sick, how could I be. But I will be mad if Steven doesn't get out of here and throws up all over the floor because of it. I'm not cleaning it up, and I'm definitely not rubbing his back.

"Are you sure you don't want us to stay here? We can go out and get some crackers," Steven offers, his back turned but still listening intently.

- JEREMIAH -

"No, you go man, I'm good. You've been looking forward to this all day, have a good night" I'm practically begging him. I like to think that if things were different, if I wasn't sobbing over a toilet, begging him to go, Steven would stay. I don't usually get what I like though.

"Yeah, alright dude. We'll see you tonight?" Steven walks out before he gets an answer, I wasn't sure he was really asking a question though.

[rafeandonlyrafe]

well 🧍‍♀️ as a reminder this blog is NOT a safe space for trump supporters but it IS a safe place for women, queers, trans ppl, people of color, undocumented people, and any marginalized group.

[chloesimaginationthings]

The day FNAF Charlie Emily was shut out..

[akanemnon]

THAT'S A LOTTA DAMAGE (emotional damage that is)

FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT

MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)

[pineapple-frenzy]

Book 2 au: sparring sessions and short hair katara

They like to have sparring sessions in order to keep their bending skills sharp. They allow themselves to go all out and not hold back at all cause they know if anyone got hurt, Katara could just heal them

But anyways, wouldn't it be kinda funny if Zuko accidentally burned Katara's hair tho? Aofkqldkkajfjd

The "I think we can save the hairloops" line is from @linnoya-writes thank you for that!! :>>

[doomedclockworkdotmp3]

his therapist woulda had a field day at their next appointment

[wtfforged]

my campaign hiatus has gone on for too long so to cope ive combined my interests at their maximum potency and had some dnd-strawhats thoughts

thoughts in depth under read more... :)!

this is SO self indulgent. their designs literally did not change. but i am a firm believer that dnd doesnt have to be european high fantasy. and also one piece literally IS fantasy. no changes are necessary to fit into dnd. ive already imagined plenty of campaign/oneshot ideas inspired by one piece. so this was basically just an exercise of trying to replicate their canon abilities in dnd 5e as much as possible without totally homebrewing everything. well. aside from luffy. you just cant take away or change his stretching.

LUFFY: (human monk. drunken master subclass. outlander)

the only plain human of the crew to balance out with the fact that he still has rubber powers. obviously a monk. but drunken master subclass specifically because i think the flavor(not the fact that its about being a drunkard) and abilities both fit him really well. this line in the subclass' flavortext especially fits him: "A drunken master often enjoys playing the fool to bring gladness to the despondent or to demonstrate humility to the arrogant, but when battle is joined, the drunken master can be a maddening, masterful foe."

ZORO: (tiefling fighter. samurai subclass. bounty hunter)

a fighter with the samurai subclass is so very incredibly obvious... but i actually had a lot of fun geeking out while comparing the abilities to what he can do in canon; Fighting Spirit, Rapid Strike, and Strength Before Death especially! tiefling is also pretty on the nose for his demon pirate hunter shtick and asura form, but i thought he'd be really human-passing for a tiefling and theorized about his tail getting cut off at some point or another before joining the strawhats. initially wasnt gonna give him a feat, but i gave sanji a feat so i thought itd be unfair to not give him one as well, so sentinel fits the bill pretty well i think!

NAMI: (tabaxi rogue. arcane trickster subclass. criminal)

cat burglar -> full grown literal humanoid cat. this one is INCREDIBLY self indulgent... i love... cats... theres nothing deeper to this and no other reasoning. i took cat burglar and ran with it. can you tell that i love izutsumi dungeon meshi? rogue for the aforementioned burglar-ing as well, and the arcane trickster subclass for when she picks up climatact! the mage hand will be very useful for her pickpocketing. in the future as she levels up with timeskip, i can totally see her multiclassing into wizard as well! weather wizard!

USOPP: (lightfoot halfling artificer. artillerist subclass. urchin)

I HAD SO MUCH FUN THINKING ABOUT HIS CHARACTER SHEET. halfling's Naturally Stealthy ability lets him hide behind his crewmates since theyre (almost) all bigger than him, so its perfect for hiding behind zoro or sanji all the time. Lucky is also perfect for him, and I think Brave fits pretty well too when he puts on the sogeking mask. artillerist artificer is also very fun! tinkering and making magic items for his crew, and i think Eldritch Canon or Arcane Firearm could both be easily reflavored as kabuto or any of his inventions. for emphasizing his sniper-ness, the spell sniper feat was also necessary. i think hes my favorite of all the concepts. big ears and long nose combo is so cute to me.

SANJI: (half-elf monk. drunken master subclass. guild artisan (cook!))

race was mostly based on vibes i wont lie. squints. and that vinsmoke balogna or whatever too ig. but mostly vibes. along with the idea that i think a dwarf zeff raising him would be really funny and cute. monk is also obvious, and same subclass as luffy for mostly the same reasons. though the flavor fits him much less, i think the abilities still fit him perfectly, and this blurb specifically; "Your martial arts technique mixes combat training with the precision of a dancer." i really wanted to give him a different subclass from luffy, but i dislike all the other monk subclasses a lot and i found none of them fit him as well anyways, so to try and give them SOME differences, i gave him the crusher feat.

CHOPPER: (awakened deer(shifter statblock) cleric. life subclass. hermit)

this ones definitely a mouthful im sorry. awakened deer for obvious reasons, but due to magic instead of devil fruit stuff. when i was struggling with his race, i looked a lot at shifter because of his forms, but it occurred to me that itd be super cool if he could shift between all of the different shifter options instead of being stuck with just one to replicate his rumble balls. something like heavy point/guard point=beasthide, horn point/arm point(?maybe?)=longtooth, walk point/jumping point=swiftstride, and brain point=wildhunt. hed definitely need some kind of nerf though to balance out that homebrew... and cleric for class. duh.

ROBIN: (high elf wizard. order of scribes subclass. criminal)

robin is definitely the one i struggled the most with just because of her class. elf came pretty easily- shes very elegant and i think shed look cute with super long ears- and i landed on high elf instead of wood elf for the int-based abilities. i was really on the fence between sorcerer and wizard for her because i knew shed be a full spellcaster, but i didnt feel that any of the subclasses really fit her. i ended up going with wizard for order of the scribes since it focuses on texts and knowing everything. but also because robin with a flying talking sentient book would be crazy cool. it could also be similar to how she spawns mouths and eyes places to talk to or watch people. my "fuck it, why not. this would be rad. its my house" mindset kicked in with her i will admit. also the One with the Word ability made me cackle out loud when i read it. thats the funniest ability ever. anyways, i cant really think of a way to replicate her powers, but maybe we could just reflavor a bunch of spells to be her limbs or clutch; hold person, maximillian's earthen grasp, or evard's black tentacles. thatd probably work okay, and theres a handful of spells to replicate her ability to spawn eyes or mouths. unrelated, but i imagine nico olvia to be a drow. why? her hair is white. i am a simple man!

[batshaped]

the continued adventures of an internet user who was frozen in 2004 and defrosted in 2021: some things are just the way you left them

previous 2004 internet user comics are here: one, two, three, four, five; or just in my 2004 tag

[incoherentchanting]

this shit is so funny

[ryllen]

[ x ]

[souphamsters]

I've been hopelessly fixated on drawing one (1) sweetheart butchfemme couple ... they're all I think abt ... HELP !!!

(silly lesbian ocs that I love , chae🍓and lucky🍋!!!)

[justsomestuffreally]

I think the Batkids reaction to a Bruce who isn't de-aged to 8 but rather 29 (pre-Jason death, post his adoption) would be fascinating. 

Their reaction would vary wildly:

Dick: Oh. Bruce is soft again. Bruce calls them ‘chum’ and ‘buddy’ and gives head pats for no reason. He still isn’t perfect, his communication skills are still a work in progress, but compared to his future self? Without actively dying Dick is hugged plenty. Bruce asks him to go to the zoo, unrelated to any case, just to spend time together. Dick is hit with more nostalgia and longing for the past than he knows what to do with.

Also notable: his dad is younger than him. That is something. Second, holy existential crisis Batman, his dad is younger than him and already one adult and one teenage kid??? Dick is not ready to feel this old yet. Third, Dick has absolutely no idea how Bruce managed to stay patient through his no-pants years. He is going to thank reason every day from now on that Damian wears full protection.

Jason: After his death and League he clung to an image of Bruce. One many tried to beat out of him, but he still kept it somewhere close to his heart, buried deep enough even he couldn’t see it. When he came back Bruce wasn’t like this idea of him. How stupid of him to believe the mind of a traumatized kid. Trying to create one good thing before the kid drew his last breath. Making up memories that never even existed.

But they did. Every smile and hug and even his words reflect the image tugged safely against his still-beating heart. His dad very clearly, very deeply loves him. Which is so much worse. Because he can understand why a Bruce, who never cared, didn’t kill the Joker. But he cares. So why the fuck did he not kill the Joker?

Tim: The reason he joined the family, the reason why he became Robin in the first place was because he saw a problem when Bruce started self-destructing and thought ‘Someone needs to fix that!’. Therefore he went and collected Dick, who didn’t seem keen on fixing it. So, the job fell to him to fix it.

He thought he did a good job, he thought he fixed the problem. Except now he sees who Bruce was, and he knows he failed. Their Bruce is less soft, less affectionate, less like he was before. Batman needs a Robin and Tim didn’t manage to be good enough of one to save him. 

[Or: Tim has a guilt complex a hundred miles wide and blames himself for things that aren’t his fault part 52]

Steph: Jason and she are very similar. Both come from the Narrows, both have a mother addicted to drugs and a shitty father. The differences start when Steph keeps waiting on the roof of their apartment for Batman to whisk her away, while Jason tries to steal the tires of the Batmobile and is taken in.

When Steph started out as Spoiler Bruce tried to keep her off the field, and obviously this one would too (even if he would probably be less paranoid about it), but she knows this Bruce would have also taken her in. This Bruce would be the father she always wished for when she sat on their roof and couldn’t see any stars. 

And she didn’t get to have this because Jason went ahead and died. (Of course, she knows she isn’t fair to the guy. Dying isn’t fun… And she knows the only reason she lived is because he died. When Batman rescued her from Black Mask she was in such terrible shape that Leslie managed to convince the World’s Greatest Detective that she died. If Jason hadn’t died Bruce wouldn’t have been as paranoid, wouldn’t have noticed her missing so soon, wouldn’t have been as urgent in his response. Would have been just a minute slower, a minute which would have killed her. Just as it had Jason.)

For her, this Bruce is a distorted mirror into a past which never was. 

Cass: This Bruce and B are not the same person. They don’t move the same. In a fight, this Bruce is younger, faster, stronger. Doesn’t compensate for a previously broken spine. Less experienced. Still one of the most experienced she knows, but less. 

He still moves differently, outside a fight, less pain. More likely to engage in physical affection, more likely to hug and pat and talk. He talks more than B. B knows what she means without words. This Bruce doesn’t.

She likes this Bruce, warmth, and softness. But not as much as B. He knows what she means, when she wants a hug, when she tells him ‘I love you’ without words. B doesn’t need words. This Bruce doesn’t know her, doesn’t communicate like her. She wants B back.

Damian: At first, when this version of his father seemed uncanny and oddly familiar, he assumed it to be due to the stories of his mother. After all, she always told him tales about his father. He simply did not have the frame of reference to understand the kindness she spoke of. Clearly, the clash between the ideals of the League and the ones of his father causes these feelings, just as they did when he first entered the manor.

He presumed this to be the case until one day on patrol Batman laid a hand on his shoulder and told him he did a good job after no particularly impressive fight and he nearly called him ‘Grayson’. Because the stories of his mother may have painted the picture of this version of his father, however, it wasn’t what made it familiar; no, he knew this kindness. These hugs and compliments one would bestow upon a child. Compliments which, despite the indignity, still warm him. Because Grayson learned how to be a… caregiver from his father.

His father used to be like Grayson, used to be until his grief hardened him. Damian could have had this. Damian could have a brother and father who would- But he doesn’t because of Todd. He loathes Todd. Loathes him for ruining the life he could have had.

Why did he die anyway? Damian certainly wouldn’t have a problem escaping bonds created by the Joker, Damian would have disarmed the bomb in time, Damian would have never thrown this life away like he did.

[Or: Damian is a child who was raised by assassins and has unreasonable standards for fighting abilities and also is a child who needs to focus his rage on someone.]

Duke: He was neither there before Jason died nor in the aftermath [according to my math he was around 4 when Jason died] he joined the family when Jason was already back for 4 years or so. He mostly skipped all the drama. For him, Bruce is the way Bruce is because he is Bruce. It’s weird to see him so different, to see how grief shaped parts of Bruce which Duke assumed were just Bruce things.

He’s glad this Bruce is brighter, or not because it just highlights how much that light will dim? Who knows, certainly not him. 

What he does know is that, with their Bruce, he has a distance which, with his parents still alive, he appreciates. With this Bruce, he can understand why Dick struggled so much whether he wants to be his ward or son, how he doesn’t want to replace his parents but still have this Bruce as a dad. It definitely explained the ted talk Dick tried to give him after Bruce officially took him in as a ward.

He likes this Bruce well enough, but he doesn’t necessarily want him to stay this way. Yes, their Bruce is less happy, less open but he did heal, he did grow. Duke met a Bruce who tried to learn from his mistakes, learned to communicate better, and learned when to pull and when to push. For Tim, Damian, Dick, and certainly Jason there is too much baggage, too much history in their relationships, it’s difficult for them to ever move past- anything really.

Sure, when Dick and Bruce are on the same page they are essentially invincible but then the past catches up again and they don’t talk to each other for months. And honestly? Apart from Cass, Duke’s pretty sure he has one of the best relationships with Bruce simply because he got to know him at a better time.

Duke doesn’t mind this Bruce. But their Bruce loved Jason, cared for him so deeply the scars still show to this day. And he still chooses to open up again even if just a bit by bit. Even if just Duke can see it. He is used to being the only one that can see.

And maybe knowing this care extends to him, this love even grief can’t shake? Maybe it makes him feel just a little bit safer, a little bit warmer, a little bit brighter.

[sweetlullabyebye]

Made way too many posts about jealous Charles so here is Charles actually smiling for a change

[chloesimaginationthings]

William Afton winning that “idgaf” award in FNAF

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

real talk having the 2nd worst new years eve yet 🤢🤢🤢 (throat infection, twisted neck, banged-about-foot, ego AND the rest o' me all bruised like misjuggled peaches 🍑🍑🍑)

im bent outa shape and suspectin the universe owes me 8 buck if anyone wannsa chip in

[dootznbootz]

Sorry, not sorry but I see this too often and it bothers me :)

Before people get mad: Notice how I put “Me and Penelope fans” there? I know there's others. this ain't about you <3

edit: This is about how people in the fandom prioritize Odysseus and Telemachus (and even Diomedes, who is not in the Odyssey) despite the Odyssey also being HER story as well. I've seen many fics about Odysseus and Telemachus in their youth, and never really seen that for Penelope.