#even if you ultimately still disagree with it or wish it had been done differently idk i think it helps to at least understand why

[avale-reves]

sometimes you do have to remember that kh is a videogame designed to be played first and foremost. so many 'odd' seeming decisions make a lot more sense when you take this into consideration. that and just the realities of game dev and having a budget and resource constraints lol

like do people know that the biggest reasons for worlds to be included or excluded from a game has nothing to do with its story or disney or popularity and often just has to do with the game environment/setting being different enough from the other worlds they've chosen lol.

like this is why jungle book keeps getting cut, because they pick other (better) worlds with jungle environments over it every time for the final roster, as an example.

[sailoryooons]

are you on here2bbtstrash’s side bc they are your friend or because they are right, I’m really concerned for the world if everyone allows behavior like this (THAT THEY HAVE NOT EVEN APOLOGIZED FOR) just because they are friends w that person. Also it doesn’t matter that you are poc and don’t feel bad or hurt abt the situation bc guess what you don’t speak for the entire community. i would have really expected some maturity at your big age but ig anything can be excused when one is friends w someone

Hi, I already talked about essentially everything you're addressing in this post here. Being that you have additionally sent another message to someone else that is, to be fair, a lot meaner than this one, I'd like to say a few extra things here: TW: Mentions of racism/ethics and harassment

A majority of what has been said in regard to this topic from anonymous users has not felt like it's coming from a place of good faith, which I talk about in the post above. Your ask immediately going to insult me about my 'big age' and lack of maturity shows that you are more eager to insult me than to pose questions of racial ethics in your ask

I have never, and will never, as stated in my previous post, assert that I am the mouthpiece for a community or anyone besides myself. So you don't have to worry, I am not narcissistic enough to believe that I represent a single person outside of myself. And again, I am a white Latina who absolutely benefits from my whiteness and I mention the intersection between my whiteness and the way I've experienced racism in the above, but I feel the need to belabor the point that I am coming from a white Latina perspective

Perhaps you're someone who has blocked or been blocked by M, but they did apologize and attempted several times to talk about why it was included, but ultimately agreed that if one person was offended, it wasn't worth keeping. And what happened? Nothing, M was still being harassed because no one cares about 'accountability' or 'an apology' they only care about M (and now those who are still friends with M) being wrong. That's what you want everyone to do, right? You want them to say they were wrong and you're right.

You, and the others submitting to the tea blog who have been calling bipoc members of the community 'ass lickers' because they have a different point of view essentially negates your entire argument that 'it doesn't matter that you are poc and don't feel back or hurt abt the situation bc guess what you don't speak for the entire community' because... the second anyone else in the 'community' disagreed with your point of view, you attacked them. So what is it? Does only your experience dictate what should be said and done here?

This is the only time I will be talking about this. My blog is not a place for you to use as a platform to trivialize topics of racial justice by a poorly disguised personal vendetta against another user. The refusal to accept that others might not agree with you seems to be incredibly triggering so I'm sorry for whatever experiences that you have had that causes you to refuse to let this go.

Moving forward, if you wish to scream at someone about how people don't agree with you, please do it elsewhere, because I will no longer be signal-boosting your issues by honoring them with responses.

[fanfic-inator795]

**ELEMENTAL SPOILERS AHEAD**

Okay so, I was reminded of this (thanks random clips on Youtube), and since I never made a post sharing my thoughts on ‘Elemental’ despite seeing it a week ago, I wanna give my thoughts on this particular moment now and see if anyone agrees/disagrees with me, cause I’m curious.

Alright, in the typical 2nd act Break-up Scene, I understand that Wade was looking out for Ember's happiness, but he basically called her a coward and for me, that crossed the line. It may have been done with good intentions, but it was also ignorant and arrogant. 

The movie makes it very clear that it's not a matter of Ember simply following her father's wishes like it is in something like ‘Turning Red’ - it's Ember wanting to make sure her dad can retire so he doesn't WORK HIMSELF TO DEATH. I can't blame her for being hesitant about revealing the truth to him. Yes, that may count as her being ‘afraid’ as Wade says, but it’s a damn reasonable fear to have! Also, I’d like to point out that if she had taken over the shop, she still could have made her glasswork art on the side, so it's not like she would be completely giving up on her dream. 

I get that yes, the truth ultimately was the right decision in this case - Bernie assumed Ember wanted the shop since that's what she always said/implied since she was a kid, and once he learned that she didn't want it, people in the community were able to take over the shop for Bernie so he could retire. 

Essentially, everything worked out... but it was very much an idealized best case scenario/Hollywood happy ending, so Ember was still valid in thinking that her rejecting the shop and being selfish would inadvertently lead to her father's death/them eventually losing the shop again. I could also see Ember being reluctant about leaving in general since, again, outside of the shitty customers she seemed to enjoy being at the center of the community and being an assistant manager/delivery girl. It was just being in charge of EVERYTHING and all the stress that came from it that made it a nightmare.

But in THAT regard it’s like - geez, Wade, if you're that concerned about Ember getting burnt out (ha) and being miserable, maybe YOU should offer to help run the shop with her so she doesn't get overwhelmed by awful customers (which seemed to be her main issue, given that she enjoyed the shop itself). At the very least, he should have tried to help her find some sort of compromise instead of only pushing her towards the 'tell the truth and follow your dreams' path - a path that, as Ember said, not everyone is privileged or lucky enough to follow, while Wade seems to think it’s the only valid path. 

I feel like Wade being willing to not just help her find happiness but also understand her duty and loyalty to her family would have been the TRUE sign that he was a good match for her. Instead it just feels like an ignorant person seeing the dynamics in a family from a different culture and calling that family 'abusive' because they don't understand said culture differences.

Given that I enjoyed the cultural and familial aspects of ‘Elemental’ much more than the romance plot, I feel like it could have been nice to have Wade - instead of declaring his love and following the rom-com tropes to a tee - find a way to be an actual supportive ally and have THAT be the true foundation of their love instead of it JUST being their ‘chemistry’ with each other.

Instead of him deciding to take a one-way ticket out of the city and being all sad, have him discover the cracks in Ember’s glass at the dam and have him still be there later on trying to still fix it for her when she comes across it herself. Show Wade actively caring about the fate of not just Ember but also all of Fire Town, fighting for their safety and wanting them all to be okay even after Ember rejects him. I feel like seeing that, plus him helping her save the blue flame, would truly allow Ember to return Wade’s feelings, as it would help her see that even if he doesn’t fully understand it, he still sees and accepts that Ember’s people and community are important to her, so he wants to help support and protect them too regardless of whether or not it earns him a date/relationship afterwards.

There was a lot of other things that could have been added in to further support this new climax - like, instead of Wade just introducing Ember to the wonders of Element City, Ember could be sharing Fire Land culture with him as well. I also feel like Wade needed to be more of a character in his own right and less of an overly-emotional manic pixie dream boy, as otherwise he just comes off as Jack from ‘Titanic’, complete with heroic sacrifice for his love interest. Except here it’s less ‘quirky guy wanting to save a rich girl from her abusive fam’ and more ‘quirky guy wants to date a girl he fell head-over-heels with and is putting her happiness above all else... buuut that unfortunately also includes putting it above the people his love interest cares about the most’, so it’s less charming. 

The fact that we barely get to learn anything about Wade’s backstory with his dead dad combined with his only real goal in the film being ‘help Ember/date Ember/save Ember, etc.’, it just makes him feel sorta shallow and a bit of an after-thought compared to Ember and the rest of the Lumen family. At best, he’s an overly emotional romantic who just cares a lot (which can be a positive or negative thing depending on the circumstances) and at worst he’s an ignorant optimist whose empathy only somewhat works on an individual level (like with Ember, or with that one airball athlete he got the arena to cheer for). Either way, I feel like Wade is the main reason why I couldn’t fully get behind the romance in the end, no matter how sweet or cute some of the earlier moments of it might have been.

[mvnvgedmischief]

@brainsareoverrated said: I mean yeah it was the 70s so back then it wasn't considered so and it was probably something that would have been done constantly to people. But we know better nowadays and it's exactly that, especially by law in the UK.

I don’t disagree with this! I think that if the cultural context at the time jkr was writing was that pantsing someone was sexual harassment, i think that the interpretation would make a lot of sense to me as well. i just also think that “pantsing” as a trope was highly popular during the early 2000s that kids that didn’t like each other did to each other. it was not, as far as i am aware, considered something deeply traumatizing in media. i don’t think that the interpretation of canon that was expected was much further than being picked on by people you don’t like, similarly to the way that kids get in fights, which is why i compared it to hermione punching draco. i think we can both agree it’s not a good thing to do to people, and in practical application, is a form of harassment, while also understanding that the nuance is not a part of the canon. i think if jkr had the understanding at the time of writing that pantsing was a form of harassment and assault, she would have chosen a different albeit still humiliating, action for the marauders to take

i took a look at your blog, and i saw that you tend to have a lot of thoughts on the way that snape is portrayed unfairly by the marauders fandom (which i encourage i think that engaging with fandom is important and i see your perspective). i just want to point out, in case i had not made it clear enough in my original post, that i think it was a reprehensible thing for them to be doing. i just don’t think that it was understood at the time of writing in the way we understand these kinds of incidents now, so i think we all as fans of the series should keep that in mind when engaging with canon. sirius and james have done a lot of much worse things to snape, and snape has done a lot of reprehensible things across the course of the series. however, much like severus is presented as an antagonizing teacher, not actually as a traumatizing abuser to children even though we can point to events in canon that would indicate the contrary, we can understand a deep rivalry and distaste for each other while also understanding certain events, through a current understanding, would be considered much more sinister. it is an abuse of power for a teacher to comment on the looks of a student in their classroom, or encourage bullying as snape does to hermione. but the book brushes past it, because the point is that he’s a pain in the ass, not that he’s a bully. it’s painted as snape’s worst memory because he was humiliated, but Sirius, Remus, and James are all considered redeemable in the book, because the book is not trying to present us the idea that they were predators. The book is trying to present us the idea that snape and the marauders had a relationship that mirrored the relationship the golden trio and draco have.

ultimately, for as much as we all love these characters and are free to do with them what we wish, there have always been limits to the way we received canon because jkr is a deeply flawed individual who had internal ideas, biases, etc when writing hp. i think that we can write the marauders as morally reprehensible bullies if we wish, or severus as a morally reprehensible bully if we wish, but all i’m saying is in order to do that, i believe you need to build out more on both sides to explain those things. i don’t. think it’s enough to rely on just SWM (although i would say that “The Prank” is a different case, and you can use that and it’s impacts to present Sirius as a morally reprehensible character, but i digress and have many thoughts on it). you are under no obligation to agree with me, i was just sharing my thoughts on the internet.

personally, i think sirius and severus are two sides of the same coin. it’s why i like writing both of them so much (albeit severus has been relegated to my google docs not my tumblr, on the whole). they both do bad things, they both turned away from the abuse they grew up with, in favor of the friends they made along the way. i think the relationship they have is incredibly interesting to examine because of the bad things they have done.

i’m almost scared to say this but i don’t think the hanging snape upside down and pulling his pants down is sexual harassment… like i am a hater to my core and snape is a very interesting character i love to hate. but i think traumatizing bullying can be traumatizing bullying without being morally reprehensible or even all that notable to the bullies. i think snape and his pals were in a much more pound for pound fight with the marauders, even if it didn’t start that way. i think the predator prey dynamic described in the books is a reflection of james & sirius’s tendency to corner him, much like draco/crave/goyle vs the golden trio minus the moral piety of the golden trio. hermione punched a very deserving draco, but we don’t call that battery because it would be RIDICULOUS. this is a trope in terms of “how children pick on each other” that jkr relied on. i don’t think it’s supposed to be deeper than that. and it’s fine if you believe that it is deeper than that, but i think the “morally reprehensible” angle is kind of wack.

[eclairslein]

Why Technoblade is an unreliable narrator

I’ve seen a lot of viewers idolizing c!Technoblade and saying it didn’t make sense that Tommy left him in the end. I watch Technoblade’s streams, but also everyone else’s. I think there’s a lot of overlap in viewers who idolize him and those who don’t have any context other than what comes from his character’s POV. As someone who has watched all POV’s here is why I disagree that “Technoblade has done no wrong” “Techno helps everyone and just gets betrayed” and “Tommy backstabbed Techno!”

I disagree with all of these statements and I don’t think c!Technoblade is a victim despite his personal monologue insinuating that. Let’s start at the beginning.

Technoblade joined to help Wilbur and Tommy with the intention of taking down Shlatt. He preached for anarchy and chaos. Although he was clear about the from the beginning, the people he was allied with didn’t agree with that. Wilbur was driven to that point AFTER Technoblade had already been allied with them. Tommy NEVER wanted to “destroy all government” his goal was always just to take down Shlatt and return to his home. Technoblade ignored the wishes of his only two allies and continued to entertain the idea in his own head of completely destroying L’Manberg. That was never an agreement, he made that decision on his own AGAINST the will of his only friends, Tommy and Wilbur.

Technoblade, on the other hand, was keeping secrets from them. He had withers prepared before they even put Tubbo in charge. Behind all of their backs he conspired with Wilbur and DREAM to destroy L’Manberg just as soon as they’d won it back. That is betrayal. No one betrayed Technoblade because they never promised him anarchy in the first place.

This is where his narration becomes unreliable. In his speech he brings up making all the gear for his new allies and then them betraying him when they used that gear to take back L’Manberg. He called that a betrayal even though it was CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING WHAT THEIR INTENTIONS WERE ( the beginning being when Quackity and the others joined Pogtopia to help Tommy and the intentions being stopping L’Manberg’s destruction by Wilbur and ending Schlatt’s administration ). Technoblade calling this a betrayal is delusional.

The second thing his character is unreliable about is his “retirement.” When Technoblade set withers upon L’Manberg he caused pain and destruction, but also ultimately committed crimes against L’Manberg. He also vowed to them before disappearing into the wilderness that he would continue to destroy the government. When the Butcher Army arrived at his doorstep asking to answer for his crimes he claimed to be in retirement. Fleeing from a crime scene and then not committing crimes for awhile doesn’t excuse you from the original crime. Butcher Army coming for Technoblade was not entirely unreasonable the way c!Technoblade paints it to be. Technoblade was a war criminal and a threat and it made perfect sense for them to pursue him. Putting Phil under house arrest crossed a line, but going after Technoblade was not unreasonable for L’Manberg to do.

As for Technoblade’s relationship with Tommy in particular this is something that c!Technoblade is completely deluded about. Pogtopia days, Tommy did consider Technoblade a friend. The one thing that changed that was when Technoblade worked with Wilbur and Dream to BLOW UP LMANBERG. The ONE THING Tommy fought for, at least at the time. Technoblade dropped Tommy as soon as he realized that working with Wilbur and Dream (behind the backs of Tommy and everyone else) would get him his personal goal of anarchy. He betrayed Tommy first when he made that decision.

When Tommy holed up in Technoblade’s basement, Tommy stayed because Techno told him that he’d help him get the discs back. But Tommy was clear with Techno the whole time that he didn’t want to do anything to hurt Tubbo. Tommy always said no to plans that would hurt Tubbo, Technoblade would brush him off constantly and say things along the lines of “we’ll work out the details later.” Tommy never budged on not wanting to hurt Tubbo, despite Technoblade’s constantly insisting that Tubbo is bad and didn’t care about Tommy.

Technoblade was breeding anger and feelings of betrayal in Tommy in trying to convince him his best friend didn’t care about him, the same thing Dream was doing the weeks before while Tommy was in Logstedshire. Convincing Tommy that he didn’t really belong in L’Manberg was the only way to make him pliable and useful to both Technoblade and Dream. By pushing on Tommy that he should leave his friends (L’Manberg) behind, they were turning him into a bad guy. A person only motivated my personal gain (the discs) and that cares for no one.

After threatening Fundy, Technoblade told Tommy that he finally had respect for him. Finally believing that Tommy didn’t care about his old friends in L’Manberg anymore and was solely motivated by the discs, he revealed his plans to destroy L’Manberg. Tommy never agreed to this and was frankly horrified that what happened between him and Wilbur was happening again. He had no where to go and stayed with Technoblade but expressed clear discomfort in Techno’s plans to destroy L’Manberg.

Now for what Techno calls “Tommy’s final betrayal.” When Tommy stands by Tubbo at the community house and leaves Technoblade. To show why this was completely justified on Tommy’s part I’m going to draw comparisons to one of my favorite works of fiction: Avatar The Last Airbender. At the end of Book 2: Earth Zuko betrays Iroh and returns with Azula to the Fire Nation. Zuko’s time there makes him realize that he cares more about doing the right thing and being the PERSON HE WANTS TO BE than staying with his family and hurting people. Tommy leaves Technoblade for the same reason Zuko leaves Azula. Tommy does not want to be the type of person that would stay with Techno.

Tommy and Tubbo were in a screaming match. After Tommy regurgitated line after line that Dream and Techno had been feeding him. “You left me to die!” and all that jazz about choosing L’Manberg over him. The thing that stopped it was Tommy saying “ Those discs were worth more than you ever were!” Everyone went silent. Tommy stopped everything and realized that he had become a deplorable person and he was saying things he didn’t really mean. Caring more about discs than his friendship w Tubbo was Dreams plan all along and exactly what Technoblade had been feeding him. Tommy dropped everything to stand by Tubbo because he was mature enough to realize that he was the farthest he had ever been from the person the wanted to be, and the closest to being the villains he had been fighting his whole life. Whether it was intentional or not, Technoblade was the person who drove him to become that person. Dream started it, but Technoblade finished the job.

Technoblade felt betrayed, Tommy left him. But it was the only thing Tommy could do and still hold on to the person he wanted to be. Tommy cares about his friends, Tommy has been with L’Manberg since the beginning and has always done what he could to save those he cared about even if it meant personal sacrifice. That’s who Tommy is. The Tommy that Technoblade wanted to be allies with was a person who would help hurt and destroy L’Manberg. Someone who cared more about discs than his lifelong friends. That Tommy never really existed, he was always uncomfortable with Technoblade’s revenge plans. If Technoblade really listened to Tommy, and cared about what he thought, he would know that Tommy could never be the cold heartless person that Technoblade could use to achieve his personal revenge on L’Manberg.

Ultimately, the Tommy that Technoblade needed to help him and/ or stand by and watch him destroy L’Manberg doesn’t exist. It goes against everything that has been established about who Tommy is and what motivates him. To stay true to himself, Tommy could not possible stay with Technoblade and become a stubborn, cold hearted, vengeful person.

That “betrayal” was the most mature decision Tommy has ever made in canon and I WONT STAND BY AND LET YALL SAY IT WAS UNJUSTIFIED JUST BECAUSE IT WASNT WAHT TECHNOBLADE WANTED.

Technoblade is a villain, just because he has a reason for wanting to blow up and destroy everything doesn’t make him a better person for it. He is not moral and never has been. His goal from the beginning has been taking something so many people cared about, L’Manberg, and destroying it because he, personally, is an anarchist. That is an ideology, but it is not the only one. Technoblade wanting to destroy L’Manberg is pushing his values onto others through force and makes him more of a tyrant than every leader of L’Manberg combined. He is flawed just like every other character. The difference that I see is that his character never reflects and admits any wrongdoing on his own part, only blaming others for not agreeing with him and ultimately leaving him.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Beautifully Spent

aka Five Times Lan Qiren Left The Lan Sect Behind

- Chapter 2 -

A/N: As a note, each of these chapters is a separate story with a different point of divergence from canon timeline.

When Lan Wangji was six years old, and Lan Xichen nine, their mother died, breaking their hearts. Even Lan Qiren, who had never liked He Kexin and might have even hated her for having ruined all his dreams of travel, felt her absence keenly – he kept thinking of her at odd times, a matter of irrepressible habit. I should tell her about this next week, he would think as he watched his nephews accomplish something, or, upon receiving an offer to go night-hunting, We can’t go because we wouldn’t be able to make it back in time for the monthly visit, and then he’d abruptly remember she was dead and there would be no more monthly visits.

One time, sitting and watching Lan Wangji carefully practice his calligraphy during the time that would normally have been their monthly visit, he even found himself inexplicably wiping tears out of his eyes. It had been a struggle, but they’d finally gotten Lan Wangji to stop going to her door, ignoring snow and chill to wait there as if simply willing it would allow the door to open again, but he remained overly quiet, even quieter than he’d been before, the loss hurting him deeply, and seeing him hurt had hurt Lan Qiren. He tried to be subtle about it, to hide his abrupt display of emotionality, but before he knew it, Lan Wangji had come over to stand by his side, his little hands holding his own, earnestly mumbling, “Don’t cry, shufu, it’ll be all right” in an echo of what Lan Qiren had been trying so ineffectually to say to him.

“Yes,” he said, wiping harder, and ultimately giving up entirely and letting the tears stream down his cheeks, hiding his face entirely behind one of his sleeves. Lan Xichen found them at some point and curled up into Lan Qiren’s other side, tears starting to slowly seep down his own face; trying to hold back their strange shared grief was like trying to stop the tide. “It will be all right, eventually. I promise.”

He had made that promise too soon, it seemed: less than a week later, one of the elders remarked that it was time for Lan Xichen to take up some of the duties of running a sect.

“What?” Lan Qiren asked, blinking. “You’re joking. He’s nine.”

“He’s the future sect leader,” the elder said, and his gaze was cold. “Never forget, Teacher Lan, that although you fill the role now, you are only a custodian in his name.”

“That’s not the point I was making,” Lan Qiren said, frustrated; he had never been very good with words or with people. “Of course he will inherit the position, given time. But he is not even old enough for his own sword, and years away from night-hunting – why would you burden him with sect business? He’s far too young.”

“He is at exactly the right age to begin. How else can we ensure that he will not fall into the failings of his father or the crimes of his mother?”

“He is a child,” Lan Qiren stressed, wondering what he was missing. “We can only teach him to the best of our abilities, and hope that he does well with it; there’s nothing else that can be done.”

The elder shook his head. “We cannot take the risk of another generation of disaster. He must be trained, and trained now, trained well. If we do not take action, it may be too late, and he will be ruined.”

As you were, he didn’t say, but Lan Qiren felt keenly the burn of humiliation. He had never lived up to their expectations the way his brother had, and then his brother had gone and failed them all, too.

“What exactly are you thinking?” he asked, trying to dismiss the feeling of foreboding in his belly. An introduction to the burdens Lan Xichen would eventually face would not be so far amiss – a shichen a week of helping to transcribe simple letters, perhaps, or running errands, the sort of thing a boy could do and not be bored; that wouldn’t be too bad.

That wasn’t what they had in mind at all.

They wanted Lan Xichen to start tackling political problems at once, forcing him to make real decisions, deal with paperwork, and then also three times the usual lessons in sword and music, all the skills he would need to have. And all this, of course, on top of his regular lessons –

“We can assist, of course,” one of the elders said to the others, ignoring Lan Qiren’s aghast expression entirely. “But the sooner he grows accustomed to the work, the sooner he can step up –”

“You’ll crush him!” Lan Qiren exclaimed, interrupting, and he never interrupted the elders. “He’s a child, and a child who just lost his mother at that – how can you even suggest this? He would have no time to study in depth rather than shallowly, no time to think, to become his own person –”

“We will polish him into a perfect jade,” an elder said. “Him, and the younger one, too. What more do they need than to be of service to the sect?”

It wasn’t that Lan Qiren disagreed that service to their sect was the highest good, or that scholarly and martial pursuits were of the highest caliber, far more important than aimless play. He was a teacher, a strict one, and the sect rules accorded with his understanding: Learning comes first. But at the same time, there was learning and then there was learning – he was a teacher who cared for his students’ well-being, too. He knew that the approach proposed would not polish Lan Xichen into a jade but mold him instead, brutally pruning away any part of him that did not accord with the elders’ wishes.

It was just what they’d done to Lan Qiren the moment he became acting sect leader, after all.

They’d loaded him up with responsibilities until he’d nearly worked himself sick, refused to grant him the slightest freedom to travel even in a small and supervised manner, and they’d tried to force him to recant even those few things he did enjoy – composing music, teaching children. If he hadn’t already been as old as he was when it started, he wouldn’t have had the strength of will or determination to preserve even those few little things of his own…

“He should move into the hanshi soon,” another elder agreed. “If we expect him to take on the responsibilities of an adult, he should be treated as one.”

“Agreed. The sooner he disengages from messing around with his peers, the better. They will only distract him from what he needs to do.”

“I do not agree with this,” Lan Qiren said. “I am his guardian and his teacher. I do not agree.”

“I’m disappointed in you, Qiren,” one of the elders said, and Lan Qiren felt an automatic wash of shame, instinctive and ingrained after all these years. “You took the sect leader position with the knowledge that it would not truly be yours, and now you wish to preserve your personal power longer?”

I never wanted the position, which offers only power in exchange for its brutal demands! I still don’t want it! But to put it onto a child, any child, much less my own nephew who I love – how could I agree to that?

“You must not be selfish, as your brother was,” another elder scolded him, and normally Lan Qiren would be the first to agree. Being like his brother was his worst fear, and one he would do anything to avoid – but at the moment, the reminder felt wrong, as if they were using it as a tool to manipulate him rather than expressing what they really thought. “Do not cling to power and authority, after all. You cannot and must not steal what belongs to your nephews, Qiren. Never forget your place.”

Lan Qiren stared at him mutely. His place?

He had never been selfish. He had sacrificed everything – he had been filial and loyal, obedient to his elders, and they had taken everything from him, just as they planned to do to the two children that had been entrusted to his care. The only difference was that Lan Qiren had been allowed to live freely for a little while, and even that freedom was only because the elders had utterly ignored him in favor of his more talented brother, who had been protected by the love of his powerful father; for his nephews, who were all but orphaned and left only in his inferior care, there was no such defense.

This time, it was clear that the elders meant to rectify the situation – this time, they wouldn’t even leave Lan Wangji his childhood, let alone Lan Xichen.

They would hollow them out and leave them as little more than puppets, blindly obeying the rules without having the time to contemplate their meaning. They would squeeze out every moment of every day, turning each endless shichen into a joyless burden, transforming the rules into little more than a yoke to chain them – his nephews wouldn’t be Lan, who chose willingly to obey because they loved the rules and loved their sect and wanted to give everything for it. They would be little better than slaves.

Perhaps, Lan Qiren thought suddenly, it was not his selfishness that the elders were constantly seeking to correct. Perhaps it was their own.

He tried, first and foremost, to argue with them, but they did not listen to him. They had never listened to him, not from the first moment he had yielded to their wishes over his own desires and allowed himself to be trapped in the Cloud Recesses as the new sect leader. No – it was even older than that, from even before then, from as far back as when he had been small and helpless and crying out for help in his own way, not even knowing what was happening to him and why…

They had always turned their faces away.

Lan Qiren had tried his best to please them, and had failed. He’d thought the blame lay with him, but now he wasn’t so sure – now he thought that it didn’t matter what he did, that he never would.

Lan Qiren’s nephews were the ones who were small and helpless now, and unlike the elders that should have watched over him, he would not turn away.

The plan he hatched was ruthless in the extreme, but there was nothing else he could think of in his desperation. The Lan sect had always been very secretive, in its own way, keeping outsiders from knowing their personal business; although everyone within the sect knew that it was the elders who held all the real power, even if they disdained the work of it and left much of that for Lan Qiren to accomplish, from the outside it appeared as though Lan Qiren were sect leader, invested with all the powers of one.

To be a sect leader, in their day and age, was to be a tyrant.

No need to look at Wen Ruohan, the chief example of this trend, a man who made his sect kneel and touch their heads to the floor upon hearing that he was coming. It was enough to look instead at the Jiang sect, whose sect leader Jiang Fengmian whiled away his days waiting for his old lover to write, ignoring his wife despite her maternal family’s power and influence within his territory. Look at the Jin sect, where Jin Guangshan bedded every prostitute and poor young lady within range, surrounded by a cloud of rumors regarding whether he’d bothered to get all of them to consent – rumors there might be, but no one dared to make any trouble for him over it without actual proof. Look at Lao Nie, whose sect, elders and all, sighed and shook their heads over his excessive fondness for dangerous people, but could take no action to stop him.

Look at Lan Qiren’s father, who had spoiled one child into madness and neglected the other into near despair, and had trained his whole sect to accept it as a given. Lan Qiren was working to repair that damage, to lead by example, but it was a hard upward struggle – rot might start at the head, and healing, too, but the healing was harder than the rotting.

A sect leader, in short, was a tyrant.

And as far as the world was concerned, Lan Qiren was the sect leader.

Lan Qiren bided his time until the next discussion conference. It hurt him to wait, seeing poor Lan Xichen get stretched thin under his new duties and constantly reminded to keep a serene smile on his face throughout, seeing poor Lan Wangji so stressed at his brother’s misery and his own amplified lessons that he'd started biting people again, but he knew it was necessary. A discussion conference meant outsiders, and outsiders meant not losing face; it was the one time that Lan Qiren was actually treated as a sect leader by all around him, the one time no one would gainsay anything he said, even if they would later tear strips off of him in private.

It was his only chance.

"I have an announcement," he said mildly, presiding over the large gathering that marked the conclusion of the discussion conference. His Lan sect was the host of this conference, and he was accordingly seated at the head of the room, equal with the other Great Sects but given additional deference in view of the location - it was easy for his voice to carry, despite his quiet tone, and all the sects turned towards him to listen. They were probably expecting something anodyne, some additional prize or information about the weather to keep in mind as they departed. "I have decided that my Lan sect's ties to the rest of the cultivation world have grown stale, seeing each other as we do only at these times and the common people only on night hunts. As a result, in my authority as Sect Leader Lan, I intend to make a journey throughout the various sects, taking along my nephews to introduce them to your families. In my absence, the Cloud Recesses will be managed by my cousin, Lan Yueheng -"

Talk exploded in the whole audience, furious and loud, all but his own Lan sect which was calm and stone-faced as always, though of course that was only their pride and concern for face overwhelming their shock. Poor Lan Yueheng was the exception, of course, his jaw dropping open like a weight dropped from a great height until his neighbors noticed and elbowed him in the side to make him stop - Lan Qiren mentally apologized for not having warned his cousin up front. He hadn't dared to risk it. 

" - and accordingly I will be leaving alongside the rest of you at the conclusion of this conference," he concluded, for once relieved that his voice never varied far from a monotone; he sounded cool and calm and in control, and like he hadn't noticed the way his sect elders were trying to strangle him with their gaze even as the maintained decorum. "Our first destination is the Nie sect's Unclean Realm, with Lao Nie as our host."

Lan Qiren hadn't warned Lao Nie, either, but he knew him well, and to his relief hadn't misjudged him - the other man didn't spare so much as a moment to blink in surprise, instead grinning broadly at the other sect leaders.

"You bet you are," he laughed, his voice booming and loud. "And don't think I'll let you leave so quickly, Qiren - not until your nephews are best friends with my sons, and not until you've had a chance to work your magic on my sect's younger generation and turn them from little beasts into proper gentlemen!"

Lan Qiren barely resisted rolling his eyes - he still didn't know who it was that had come up with the nonsense about him being able to turn the most hopeless waste into a gentleman, but it was rank exaggeration. But to his surprise, the first person to respond was the head of one of the more distant small sects, Baling Ouyang, a young man with an excitable temperament; he leapt up to his feet and exclaimed, "Will he really? Sect Leader Lan, I insist you visit my Ouyang sect next, if you haven't made firm plans - I scarcely recognized my little hellion nephews after a season in your care, all grown up, careful in thought and action, compassionate and upright...and no more pranks!"

Another exaggeration. The Ouyang twins had been troublesome only at the start, until Lan Qiren realized that what they longed for most was recognition as separate beings rather than a collective whole; as soon as he'd treated them with respect, and showed them how to act in return, they'd taken to his lessons like a desert to water. 

"Sect Leader Lan's skill in teaching is very well known," Sect Leader Yao said, always first to speak after his friend from the Ouyang sect. "You'll really come to our sects to do it, rather than our children to the Cloud Recesses? And you won't charge, of course...?"

"Naturally no," Lan Qiren said, a little puzzled by their enthusiasm. Was it so expensive to send children to the Cloud Recesses? He’d never charged for his lessons, although he supposed there was the cost of travel and maintenance to the standard preferred by students, and of course guest gifts were customary, although he never made any demands. "I would be your guest, and enjoying your hospitality – room and board would be more than sufficient…"

"In that case, you should come to Pingyang next -"

"No, Yueyang!" someone else called, and before Lan Qiren knew exactly what was happening, the sect leaders were arguing over who he should visit first. The most enthusiastic were the ones whose children he had taught already, but the others were quick to catch up, loathe to miss out on what they perceived to be a good deal - even Wen Ruohan, never one to lose out to others when it came to something perceived of as desirable, extended an offer with a smug, snake-like smile. 

Lan Qiren provisionally accepted all the offers with a growing sense of relief: with such public acceptance, the Lan sect would lose more face by refusing to let him go than in allowing his unorthodox action. It was just as he has hoped, and more successful than he'd dared to dream; the other sects had fixated on his teaching skills and in doing so had ignored the strangeness of a sect leader taking his heirs and all but running away from home. 

That relief carried him through to the end of the meeting, when everyone divided up to pack up their things, and Lan Qiren returned to the inner parts of his sect to do the same.

"What are you thinking?" one of the elders demanded the second they were alone. "Have you gone mad?"

"Did you see the reception of my idea?" Lan Qiren replied, hiding the giddiness of relief under a facade of calm. "The sect will benefit greatly from the connections we will make."

"That's no answer!"

Lan Qiren was a filial child; even if they were wrong, he would not tell the elders so to their faces. Instead he only bowed deeply and said, "What's done is done. I need to get ready, and quickly; it would be embarrassing if we weren't prepared."

Of course, he'd already packed everything he thought he'd need, determined to take Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji with him no matter what - it was only luck that his plan had worked as well as it had, allowing him to pretend to some move of subtle strategic genius rather than a retreat out of desperation. Still, he needed to go through the motions.

"Fine," another elder spat out, although their demeanor made it clear that it wasn't fine at all. "But did you have to announce that the provisional leader was Lan Yueheng? He's completely unfit!"

By which they meant that he wouldn't listen to them - that he was brash and lacked tact, said what he thought and cared for nothing but his experiments, his wife, and his children. Out of all of Lan Qiren’s cousins, he was the most thick-faced, shameless to the extreme, essentially immune to criticism or guilt. 

That was, of course, exactly why Lan Qiren had picked him.

"He's good at math and accounting, and at arranging provisioning," Lan Qiren said, picking the more acceptable reason. "That's the key responsibility left over, isn't it? Everything else, I can do through correspondence."

The reassurance that Lan Qiren would still be doing his duty to the sect - would still be accountable to them - helped settle some ruffled feathers. It wouldn't be pleasant to try to do the work of sect leader from abroad, Lan Qiren knew; it would mean a lot of sleepless nights slaving away by candlelight, with no support from any aides, bearing all the weight himself. No doubt the elders knew it too, and figured that he'd soon enough lose interest in what he heard them calling, in hushed voices where they thought he could not hear, his "little show of rebellion".

Lan Qiren didn't care. The sooner they left, the better the chances that the elders would continue to be deceived into thinking that Lan Qiren was doing all this for his own sake - some last stab at achieving his long forgotten dreams, doomed to inevitable disappointment - instead of what it really was, which was freedom for his nephews. They couldn't be assigned work or classes from a distance; their education would be wholly in Lan Qiren’s hands.

He'd take a thousand sleepless nights of overwork if it meant they got to be children a little longer.

"Are we really going to the Unclean Realm?" Lan Wangji lisped, looking even more rosy-cheeked and excited than usual. "Will – will Nie-gongzi will be there?"

"Yes, Mingjue-xiong will be there," Lan Xichen said, and grinned at Lan Qiren over his brother’s head. He looked more carefree than he had in...possibly years, and Lan Qiren briefly regretted how long it had taken him to do this. "Since you like him so much."

Lan Wangji turned bright red at once.

"Both of the Nie boys will be there," Lan Qiren said. "The younger one is closer to your age, Wangji. You can get to know him as well."

Lan Qiren went next to the library pavilion, looking for books on their sect rules - he might not trust his sect elders, but he loved his sect, loved their rules and traditions, and he wanted his nephews to love it, too. He wanted them to see the Cloud Recesses as a refuge, as a haven - not a burden.

He would give his nephews the freedom he'd longed for, and when they were older...when they were older, more resilient, more sure of who they were, he would bring them back and he would ensure that they obtained their rightful inheritance. In full, not in part - Lan Xichen would be a real sect leader, not a puppet for the elders, taught only to be pleasant and yielding and to perform well with his cultivation, swordsmanship and music only for the purpose of impressing outsiders. Lan Wangji would be his brother’s right hand, would love and respect him and be loved and respected in turn.

Maybe, Lan Qiren thought to himself, amused, they would even find some compatible child on their way and one day return to bring them home as a dao companion.

He couldn't wait to find out.

[therealvinelle]

What are your heretical opinions on the clone wars?

Gosh, I have so many.

In essence, though, I disagree fundamentally with the characterization, the worldbuilding, and even the show's premise.

I don't recognize the Anakin Skywalker of The Clone Wars as Anakin Skywalker, they're different people who respond differently to various situations, whose relationships with others are different from what we saw in the movies. Clone Wars Anakin experiences things that make him no longer compatible with the Anakin we meet in Revenge of the Sith. Same goes for Obi-Wan Kenobi, completely unrecognizable. They're both made cooler, more laidback and relatable, dare I say Western, hero archetypes that ultimately lack the essence of what make them Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I do not forgive that Darth Maul was resurrected and question why they ever felt the need to do so. Darth Maul was left no venue of survival, and more, the character that Savage Oppress discovers in the cavern acts nothing like Darth Maul. Nice for The Clone Wars that they created a character that the audiences liked, but I wish they'd let Darth Maul stay dead, you know?

I disagree with the characters introduced in The Clone Wars, in particular Satine Kryze, Ahsoka Tano, and the Sith characters. The Sith are essentially made into people who were sorted into Slytherin, who do villainous things and are Bad Guys™, where the horror of what it means to become a Sith is lost. The show has Obi-Wan team up with Ventress for a fight, bantering playfully with her no less, I think that about says it.

I also have the apparently controversial understanding that the clones are mirrors of the droids, that is, not actually sentient beings. There's no sign of any chips in canon, Palpatine gives his order and just like that, they carry out Order 66. Now, this is a matter of preference, but this show failed on a very fundamental level to make me invested in the clones, instead I was battered over the head with repetitive clone angst. Had this show made the clones eerie beings that the Jedi trust but the viewers know they should be running from, I would have been much happier. But, that would be my preference, so my big criticism when it comes to the clones is not simply that they were sentient and so very angsty, but that the clone angst was so poorly done.

Then you have gamechanging events like Anakin falling to the dark side in a pointless arc that ended up not mattering at all. It's okay because he forgot about it. Obi-Wan knows this happened, but he never brings it up so it's all good. The avatar for the Light side of the Force died, this also affects nothing. All my problems with that will fuel a post of its own. Just-- my god, that show.

The Clone Wars reads as a fanfiction to me, where the characters have been remade into what the author wanted them to be, they have closer, easier, relationships than in canon(Yoda, while on bedrest, asks Anakin to break him out of the Jedi temple. Tell me that's not a bad fanfiction), their drama is contrived and gamechanging yet the author tries to insist it's all canon compliant ("Okay, so Obi-Wan faked his death, and Anakin's padawan that he has now had her life destroyed by the Jedi council, but it's still compliant with Revenge of the Sith because-- uuhh -- well, Anakin never in RotS said Obi-Wan didn't fake his death, did he? Check and mate."), and we have shiny OCs like Obi-Wan's love interest that Anakin knows about and Anakin's padawan.

Then there's the premise itself. By restricting themselves to the Clone Wars, the creators of this show put a lot of restraints on themselves, as they couldn't change too much and there was nothing that needed real explaining. 23-year-old Anakin is more self-assured and mature than his 19-year-old self while Obi-Wan and Padme are pretty much the same, good for him. That can't carry a TV show, though. And it didn't, this show spent four episodes on droids wandering in the desert and resurrected Darth Maul. That's not a show that has a lot of material to dig into, and makes me think they should have gone for something else.

These are my nutshelled heretical opinions.

[megaderping]

I'm gonna have to disagree with the notion that Akechi is really comparable to Moriarty or DC!Joker, tbh. The thing is, there's a shit ton of cultural context surrounding why Akechi did what he did that is lost on western fans but is absolutely pivotal for understanding his role in the narrative. First and foremost? His background. As an illegitimate child and the child of a sex worker, there was no doubt he dealt with dehumanizing prejudice even before his mother's death, and after? Oh good lord, the foster system in Japan is genuinely awful, and you age out of it at age 15, the very same age that he approached Shido after, and this part is important, being set up by a Malevolent god who preyed on his trauma and resentment at a society that failed him to push him toward a revenge plan. And like, it's easy to say "he didn't have to approach Shido" or "he could have just killed Shido," but considering Shido's Palace, I don't think it ever would've been that simple, and if he was to quit, Shido has his cleaner, controls the police and the SIU division, and he basically had no out once he got in. I also think it's very clear that he isn't remorseless. He wears a smile in the interrogation room, yes, but he also warns Joker several times in his confidant in royal (see: Rank 7, for instance), on top of the duel challenge, on top of genuinely opening up about his past to Joker in a way he doubtfully did with anyone else. Akechi did some fucked up shit, but even the SIU director points out that the interrogation room plan was Shido's idea, not his, and immediately after, he talks Shido out of having him kill the Phantom Thieves, which is important. In the Engine Room, he outright admits that he wishes it didn't have to be that way, that he wishes Joker had entered his life sooner so he could have walked a more noble path, and in that very same scene, he begs for the Thieves to put him down rather than extending the hand of kindness and ultimately sacrifices himself so they can do the right thing. Not only that, but Mona even correctly observes that he doesn't hate Joker.

12/24? Turns himself in. Third sem? Furious that he got let off easy. His Jazz Club scenes in third sem show a genuine gratitude toward Joker and relief that he wasn't affected by Maruki's power, and 2/2 is... well, I mean, this whole scene is so important to who Akechi is as a person:

Akechi does have a redemption, and it's in rejecting a reality where he could erase his crimes and live a happy life in favor of facing the true reality where he may not even be there when all is said and done. I say this not to be rude or to act like he did nothing wrong or even to attack you personally, but to provide a counterpoint as someone who adores this character as more than just a villain. The max confidant, third awakening route of Royal is so important to understanding Akechi on top of understanding what Akechi is meant to be: a foil to the Thieves, an example of what they could have become if they didn't have each other. Because Akechi was alone, but still a victim to the societal injustices they fought against. The game effectively spells it out in a few places:

Again, sorry for the longpost! I just had thoughts and wanted to share them. I don't think you're wrong to have a different opinion, but there's just a lot to this character, and the brainrot is fierce.

My overall opinion on Goro Akechi. Spoilers below.

I like him as a character and as a villain, but I will never ship him with Joker or be able to see him as being an equal member of the Phantom Thieves.

The dude literally put a gun to Joker's head and pulled the trigger with a huge fucking smile on his face. He also killed an officer just to clean up any loose ends. He then framed Joker's death as a suicide, all while acting like some paragon of justice. The only reason it didn't work was because HE was outsmarted by the Phantom Thieves. He had every intention of making Joker DEAD!

And even after that, I was ready to have a "Cool motive, still murder" moment later, but I honestly didn't even feel that. Here's the thing: Akechi could have easily used the Metaverse to get his revenge on Shido WITHOUT becoming a fucking serial killer. He could have axed the bastard off or even tormented him a bit first, but no. Because he was so determined to get noticed and to play a long game that stroked his ego, he made the CHOICE to play with his prey. He wasn't manipulated into killing. He chose. He was old enough to know "murder is bad." There's only so much him being a teenager can excuse, okay?

He killed Wakaba. He left Futaba without a mother and in a state to be manipulated by Shido's goons into believing that she was somehow the cause of her mother's death.

He orphaned Haru. Yeah, her father was a piece of shit, but his death on live TV still scarred her badly, and it should have been HER choice whether to kill him or let him live.

He caused a train derailment that could have killed dozens of people.

Even in Shido's Palace, there is no doubt in my mind that he would have killed Joker and the others without a second thought if he had won that fight. His "heroic sacrifice" only came after he was utterly defeated.

Here's the thing though: He's a damn good villain and foil to Joker. I enjoy his character immensely. His obsession with Joker and the connection they share definitely evokes other fictional relationships like Sherlock and Moriarty and Batman and the Joker. I just will never see any of these pairings as healthy romances or even friendships.

I also loved how much of an edgelord he was in Royal. There was no begging for forgiveness or sudden redemption. Nope. He was just being an unhinged, bloodthirsty nutjob because he actually COULD act that way now that his mask has been removed, and I kinda loved that.

So yeah. Those are my two-cents on Akechi. He's an enjoyable character and villain, but I have no intention of ever seeing or writing him as anything but just that: a villain.

[armandgender]

I guess this is where we must disagree. I personally think rwylm dean, aged 50ish, who a lot of his trauma is about having to be a parent to sam when he was still a kid, who felt like he was such a bad impact to ben's life that he erased his memories, who struggled a lot to be a good parent to jack at first, who now has a much better and closer relationship with them, who has neices, and for whom jack fills the role of "kid", would not want any more kids of his own. Like, to me, Jack is already his kid, and I think that's enough for him. I don't think dean "i hurt the people who need me" would willingly accept the HUGE responsibility of raising another kid . Like I definitely think he loves kids, and he's great with kids- but EYE think he would prefer to positively impact kid's lives from a distance, like as a camp counselor or a teacher or a coach.... idk.

It could just be that I'm projecting, though. Maybe I'm looking at this through Jack's perspective too much. Like, if I were jack, and my stepdad got a brand new (presumably a baby/infant) kid, I'd feel like he was trying to "start over". To borrow a quote from sisterhood of the traveling pants, "What were they thinking, having another baby at their age? And what was I? Just some experiment from their hippie days... ...and now it's time to start their real family?"

Idk idk idk. I love the fic so far, and ultimately i could probably be convinced that dean DOES want kids (Your writing is just that good. You could probably convince me that dean was straight and noah was hot if you really wanted to askfnsjskxncj). I'm excited for the next chapter!

i feel like this is one of those arguments that could go either way for me tbh. i can see dean being content without kids AND wanting kids. especially when he's someone who saw the white picket fence/two and a half kids life as an escape from hunting. having a house and spouse and kids has become the ideal for him, even if that's not actually what he needs in order to be happy

i think you can both be terrified of screwing up AND want kids! lots of people feel that way. in jack's case, basically a young adult was dropped into his lap right after his best friend (and love of his life) died in front of him (twice), all while the universe was literally being torn apart by god himself. so it's not so much that he's trying to start over. it would just be nice if he could take a crack at it outside of chuck's rat trap

ALSO i think some of dean's desire to have kids actually comes from his own wishes that his childhood had been different. I think he mentions wishing he could've brought his kids to bobby's cabin in rwylm, and in a way that's just wish that he himself could've done that every summer

anyway the way dean talked about it in the fic was kind of regretting not having kids and i think he feels that especially when looking at sam's life. he sees sam's marriage with his two kids as this perfect happy thing, while his own life is falling to pieces. i doubt i'll get around to covering it as the main bulk of the fic is about dean and cas figuring their shit out!

[saffronique]

I Read Leopardstar's Honor So You Don't Have To: A Review (Not Spoiler Free)

Oh Leopardstar. A cat who has long divided the fanbase as a leader beloved by some and despised by others. After years of waiting (for some) she was finally given her own super edition. In a word it was... underwhelming.

Introduction:

The book opens during Leopardstar's kithood days. The first scene is adorably heartwarming- readers are treated to Leopardkit and her denmates playing the warriors version of hide and seek, and there are some absolutely adorable moments here, such as Crookedjaw helping Leopardkit escape the seeker by whisking her away on his back, and Mudfur doting on his daughter. The scene takes a sharp turn when Skykit, one of Leopardkit's denmates, lures her away from the group to shove her head underwater and berate her for giving away Skykit's hiding place in the last round of hide and seek. Skykit's actions are startlingly cruel here, as she tells Leopardkit that she's a rotten kit that killed her own mother and that she is doomed to the dark forest like all the other murderers. This understandably disturbs and traumatizes Leopardkit, and when she speaks to her father about it, Mudfur reassures her that she is good, and that Brightsky came to him in a dream to say that Leopardkit will one day save RiverClan. Leopardkit latches on to this dream, and the book follows her through relatively disjointed moments in her life as she tries to live up to her destiny.

Pacing:

The pacing of the book is an absolute nightmare. We don't spend long enough in any one part of Leopardstar's life to see her have any meaningful interactions with other cats, and thus the majority of the relationships she has seem surface level at best, forced at worse, with Whiteclaw being a notable exception. She spends maybe 3 chapters as a kit, 3 as an apprentice, 3 as a warrior, 2 as a mentor, and so on. As a result, we don't actually get the opportunity to see Leopardstar learning or struggling in a meaningful way at any point. We're TOLD she's a hard worker, that she's dedicated and loyal, but the book gives you little chance to actually see it. The book slows down long enough to force an almost love story with Frogtail, which Leopardstar ultimately gives up on to focus on her work, but then a few chapters later Frogtail is dead and it's back to jumping around through her life.

The book really suffers from a lack of side characters and relationships to help things feel connected. The only real through line is this silly dream from Mudfur-not even an official prophecy- that Leopardstar focuses on to the exclusion of all else. Compare this to Crookedstar's Promise and Bluestar's Prophecy- while both books feature a greater destiny that the characters focus on throughout the book, they are given the chance to develop meaningful relationships that last for large chunks of the book. Bluestar has her relationship with her sister and her rivalry with Thistleclaw, and even her friendship with Thrushpelt, all of which allow her story to feel genuine and naturally lend themselves to interesting subplots. Crookedstar has his relationship with Mapleshade, his romance with Willowbreeze, his desire to prove himself to his mother- again, all things that make him feel like a well rounded, multifaceted character. Leopardstar has her dream, and ONLY her dream. None of her friendships last more than a few chapters before the other character is killed off. Her most meaningful relationship, with her apprentice and adopted son Whiteclaw, has the potential to round out Leopardstar's character, but Whiteclaw's fate has been predetermined. We all know he's going to die in the gorge because we see it happen in Fire and Ice. After Whiteclaw's death, Leopardstar briefly has a compelling relationship with Silverstream after she discovers her relationship with Graystripe. Silverstream and Leopardstar have opposing priorities of love and duty, and the interactions between them are an interesting insight into both characters. Silverstream actively rebukes Leopardstar's mindset and challenges her priorities, something that would have been invaluable in making Leopardstar's choice to join Tigerstar seem more consequential. But Silverstream too is doomed to die, and by the time the book reaches its climax, Mudfur is the only cat left to challenge Leopardstar's choices. Instead of letting the rift between father and daughter build, Leopardstar has no problem simply banishing her father and medicine cat for disagreeing with her. No one that she cares about is left to challenge her for her decisions, and thus there are no real stakes to the choices she makes. Sure, Stonefur dies and its awful, but the book doesn't bother to develop any real friendship or camaraderie between the two, so it doesn't feel as impactful as it should. The book concludes with Leopardstar understanding that she's wrong and Mudfur convincing her that she's going to save the Clan from the disaster she helped create. At the very least, Leopardstar seems to understand the problems with this and points out that it's not really her saving the Clans, its Firestar. This is completely true, as she has no role in Tigerstar's downfall and no role in stopping Scourge. The best that can be said for Leopardstar is that she doesn't get in the way of Firestar here.

She faces no real struggles aside from her father's doubt as to her ability to lead, a dynamic already witnessed between Brambleberry and Crookedstar and done much better.

Awful editing:

This book suffers from an almost unbelievable lack of care on the part of the editors, with big chunks of text very obviously cut and pasted to different parts of the story without any effort to edit out nonsequitors. The most painful instance of this revolves around Stormpaw and Featherpaw's apprenticeship. In one scene, Leopardstar comments on the fact that Primrosekit and Pikekit will be made apprentices any day (Reedkit is inexplicably absent here, and Perchkit seems to have died offscreen though it is never mentioned) and notes that Stormkit and Featherkit still have their kit fluff and look tiny next to their older denmates. A couple paragraphs later, we see Featherkit and Stormkit being apprenticed to Mistyfoot and Stonefur, in a paragraph that EXPLICITLY STATES that it's the very next day. The other kits have mysteriously been apprenticed already. Boulder and Jaggedtooth of ShadowClan are inexplicably present at the ceremony, despite there being no mention of their arrival at any point and Leopardstar refusing Tigerstar's offer to join their two Clans together the day before. A few pages later (yes, literally just pages later, that's how atrocious the pacing is) we cut to a battle between RiverClan and ThunderClan at the Sunningrocks, where Stonefur and Mistyfoot's parentage is revealed. Leopardstar doesn't actually hear this, but she does overhear them discussing it in the most painfully forced way possible moments later. Leopardstar finds herself absolutely HORRIFIED that she's apprenticed two half-Clan cats to half-Clan mentors.... and then a few chapters later, after forming TigerClan, Tigerstar asks her if she still intends to make Mistyfoot and Stonefur mentors to Featherkit and Stormkit despite their parentage, to which Leopardstar responds that they are still loyal RiverClan warriors. Yes, I'm serious.

Leopardstar's character:

This super edition is nothing but a showcase of the absolute worst aspects of Leopardstar as a character. Throughout the book she is shown as racist, battle hungry, self-centered, foolish, and utterly lacking in compassion or even pity for any Clan other than her own. She is constantly making racist generalizations about cats from other Clans, actively wishes for WindClan's downfall, sides with Tigerstar simply because Fireheart is a kittypet, and, perhaps most disturbingly, tries to murder Fireheart in cold blood because of his kittypet background. This book literally does nothing to endear the reader to Leopardstar, it makes her out to be the most despicable, honorless cat imaginable. And honestly, if you're not a Leopardstar fan, I think that's one of the most compelling things about this book. The desire to see what atrocities Leopardstar would commit next was what kept me interested in the story, honestly it was the only reason I finished it. There was something morbidly fascinating about watching a character so self absorbed and lacking in compassion interact with the world around her. It was enjoyable in a way to see a character so deeply set in the beliefs that the series has repeatedly established as wrong time and time again. Pacing and editing aside, this difference in philosophy is a breath of fresh air after the same recycled plotlines and moral messages that the series has been using for years. This book isn't going to make you like Leopardstar, but it is going to make you love to hate her.

What the book did right:

While there were very few positives to the book, it wasn't completely lacking in value. The book succeeded in developing a deeply meaningful relationship between Whiteclaw and Leopardstar that, thankfully, wasn't a romance. Their mother/son and mentor/apprentice relationship does a good job at setting up Leopardstar's grudge against ThunderClan over Whiteclaw's death as we see it play out in the first arc. Honestly, Leopardstar as a character would have been served far better if this had just been a novella detailing the relationship between these two. That was probably the only real thing of value in the book, honestly. Aside from that, Frogtail and Leopardstar's relationship, while I personally found it completely unnecessary, addressed a topic I've been hoping to see in warriors for a while now-- two characters who love each other but decide that the things they want out of life are mutually incompatible, and part ways amicably. Leafpool x Crowfeather and Bluestar x Oakheart both almost did this, but fell short because it was only ever really one character who decided to end the relationship. Unfortunately, the value in this message is somewhat diminished by the fact that Leopardstar later laments multiple times that she should've given up on her goals and just had kits with Frogtail instead, an absolutely disgusting conclusion that plays into the recurring problem of misogyny in warriors where women aren't allowed to be both mothers and hold a position of power, they have to choose between the two.

All in all, this Super Edition is easily the worst so far in terms of plot, pacing, and writing, but I still found some enjoyment in reading the perspective of such a selfish, cruel protagonist.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

The Penguin Dilemma.

So? How are you feeling?

I’m ok. You know, if you get tired...

I know. But I need you to preserve your strength in case something goes wrong on the way there.

*After giving Nagito some time to recover from the operation, Uchui and Nagito set off towards Organization Zetsubou’s secret base. Uchui drives on a quiet and long highway.

Thank god Shirogane was willing to give me the location details.

You completed your task to perfection. Why wouldn’t she?

Tsumugi Shirogane may be villainous, but I don’t recall a time she ever went back on her word. In order to achieve her goals, she needs the help of the Organization, and the people who are willing to lend her a hand. That’s why she makes contracts with them.

That said, I guess she did still chip me without my knowledge...

But she’s not going to be able to pass up someone as talented as you are, especially if you can help her duplicate the Hope serum.

...Right...And what do you plan on doing after all is said and done? Are you gonna stay with Zetsubou?

It’s not like you can just go back to the Future Foundation. Best case scenario is you go into hiding a super-powered hobo...

Now that you’ve removed the chip in my head, I don’t need to worry about Shirogane instantaneously killing me anymore once I’ve outlived my usefulness.

In that case, I suppose I’ll have to ask Dr Inori to do that favor she offered me.

Favor? What kind of favor?

The doctor told me that in order for the Hope Serum to work, she had to perform surgery on me to make my body...more suitable and strong. 

Ah, I did think you’d gained a bit more muscle. Although, on someone like you, I guess that would seem obvious.

Haha...Yes, I suppose so.

But the point is, she told me the reverse can be done, and the effect will be reversed with it. If she does another operation on me, the Hope Serum will be rejected by my body.

Then...I’ll go back to being nothing more than the Ultimate Lucky Student.

I would argue that you’re a tad more than the Ultimate Lucky Student. Your talent doesn’t really define you.

...

Well, that’s where I would disagree.

Huh?

*sigh* You haven’t heard this sort of speech, but it doesn’t usually bode well with people. However, I hope you can understand it...

For a long time now, humans have been taught that if you try hard enough, you can accomplish anything. Even if we weren't told this directly, you'd know full well just by looking around us...The internet, TV and newspapers are overflowing with hopeful messages that say stuff exactly like that...

But people who don't win...people who don't TRY to win...people who try their best and still can't win...They are all worthless trash..."

...

The truth is, there are two kinds of people in this world...Those who are born with worth, and everyone else...

No matter how hard a lowly human tries, they will never be the same as someone who was born worthy...

They say that "effort breeds success" but...that's a complete falsehood. The world is not so accommodating, and it's foolish to think it would be.

No matter how hard a small dog tries, it will never become a large dog...No matter how hard a penguin flaps it's arms, it will never fly...And no matter how hard an unworthy human tries to become something greater...it will never happen...People with talent don't just become talented. They're just born with their abilities right from the start.

That's why I’ve always held so much respect for you all. And what I hold, just so you know, is far different from simple "admiration." To hold admiration for something is wishing that you could be just like it, but what I feel is not so self-serving... What I feel is...how should I put it...A pure, selfless love that wants nothing in return.

In fact, the only reason why I even allowed these...talents...in my body is so I could truly be on equal footing with a fake Ultimate like Hajime. If I could get rid of these, I would.

Because from Ultimate’s...From those with TALENT...That’s where the true Hope shines-

*SCREEECH!*

WAAAGH!?

*Uchui suddenly grinds the car to a halt on the highway.

What-!? What did you do THAT for!?

Nagito...by your logic, are you saying that my talent as Ultimate Theoretical Physicist is the best and most useful thing about me?

Yes? Do you have a problem with that?

...My talent is only useful to people who are willing to listen.

On top of my talent, I’m also a gifted doctor and surgeon. And I used those skills to free you from the shackles Zetsubou put on you just now.

By your logic...are you saying that the skills I used to save you...are meaningless?

Oh, come now, that’s not what I meant!

Well, it’s what you damn well said! You make it sound like my talents in theoretical physics are all I’m good for, and all I SHOULD be good for.

And even then...I don’t agree with the idea that we get our talents from birth either...That’s just not how it works.

Do you think I came out of the womb immediately knowing what a parallel universe is? There are some men I know that are in their 60′s or 70′s that have never even heard of the concept.

Do you also think Hiyoko Saionji was able to dance as soon as she was born? Or that Nekomaru Nidai started coaching real soccer teams when he was three? Or Sonia Nevermind-

Uh...

Ok, actually, that’s a bad example...

But my point is...This isn’t “talent.” Talent is what we CALL it. Really, it’s just skills we’ve been building up over time.

Hope’s Peak was created for people to develop these talents. How do you “develop” a talent!? The whole point of a talent is that you’re already the best at it in your field! What’s there to “develop?”

I...You...

Listen Nagito. I have a question for you. Let’s go back to your analysis you made just now.

Analysis?

Yes. You said “No matter how hard a small dog tries, it will never become a large dog. No matter how hard a penguin flaps it's arms, it will never fly. And no matter how hard an unworthy human tries to become something greater, it won’t happen.”

Penguins mainly live on a diet of fish. Where do we find fish Nagito?

What are you doing?

Answer my question. Where do we find fish?

...In the water.

In the ocean, exactly. So...why would a penguin fly then?

Huh?

Fish are in the water. Penguins are creatures that have evolved and adapted to be able to catch them. They have heavy bodies that allow them to stay underwater, flippers that work like paddles to help them move quickly while submerged, strong legs with webbed feet, a long thin bill and SO much more.

Fish aren’t in the sky. So it’s not a matter of “why can’t a penguin fly?”

It’s a matter of “why should a penguin fly?” What, because it’s a bird? It’s a bird, therefore it should fly?

Penguin’s don’t fly because they DON’T NEED TO. There is literally nothing for Penguin’s in the sky, or in other distant lands.

That...

Let’s apply that logic to your other example. A small dog will never become a large dog no matter how hard it tries.

Of course it won’t...Why does it NEED to? Dogs are dogs and do dog things, regardless of their breed or size. 

Sure, you could argue that the smaller dog wouldn’t stand much of a chance against a larger dog in a fight, but much like our Penguin example, the small dogs have a lot of their own advantages.

...I suppose you’re right...

Now, lastly, let’s do a review. Why isn’t a penguin able to fly?

...Because...it doesn’t need to.

Why does a small dog not turn into a big dog?

Because it doesn’t need to...

And why aren’t humans able to just “become” talented?

...

...

Sorry, I know I’m grilling you, but...this kind of ideology has followed me around ever since I was born...

You won’t take this as a compliment...but your ideals about how talent is more important than anything? Those same ideas are the very reason why Izuru Kamukura was created in the first place?

Are you serious?

I know how much you dislike the Hope Cultivation Plan, but my father created that plan purely because he thought the very same things as you.

...And look where it led...Humanity’s...and his own destruction...

Uchui...

Let me ask you one more question. You said to me, just now, that the only reason why you agreed to go through with the Hope Serum scheme was so you could get back at Hajime.

Well...you did it. You got revenge, and Hajime Hinata’s personality disappeared, leaving only Izuru Kamukura.

I apologize if this is personal, but...how did it feel?

I...It...

...

Were you content at last? Were you satisfied? ...Or do you feel even emptier now than you did before?

...

*sigh* 

It’s not so much as humans who weren’t “born with talent” won’t become talented. I think it’s possible...but that doesn’t mean that we SHOULD.

We...much like the penguin in your example, yearn to reach the skies and achieve our goals...But we only yearn for said skies because we can’t fly.

And you Nagito, have held the sky’s sheer emptiness, loneliness and sadness in your grasp. Perhaps you should use it as a point of reference to reflect on your ideals?

...Not that I’m going to force you to change your mind. I just...

...?

I just...don’t want you turning out like my father...

...

...

*They are silent for a long while.

Maybe...Maybe you’re right...

...

*BOOOOOOOOOOOMM!*

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHH!!!

*The sentimental conversation is immediately brought to a screeching halt, as the car is suddenly blown off the road by an explosion! It tumbles down a ditch into an empty plot of land.

*COUGH!* *COUGH!* Ugh...

U...UCHUIIII!

GAGH *SPLUTTER!* *COUGH!* I’m...! gah...I’m okay!

*Nagito pulls Uchui out of the wreckage.

Good...You’re not injured...

???: And if you come quietly, we can keep it that way!

!!!??

!!!??

*Both of them look up to see the location of the voice and the blast.

*THUD!*

*Keebo lands a few feet in front of them, and lowers his mask.

Nagito Komaeda. Uchui Kamukura. On behalf of the Future Foundation, you are both under arrest!

[musette22]

Hi Minnie! Hope you can help me settle an argument my brother and I are having about EG!Steve. I'd love to hear your thoughts about this with shipping goggles off, looking at it purely in terms of characterization, narrative, and good writing. Better hang on though, it's going to be a long ask! (sorry in advance for spamming you!) 1/7

So my brother and I were watching FatWS and once again got into a debate about whether Steve's last actions were a disservice or in line with his characterization and narrative, given that the Russos confirmed (and therefore it's Word of God/canon, even if it did sound reactionary to the immediate backlash after EG) that Steve created an alternate reality when he went back, and didn't just live in hiding in the past of the OG timeline. 2/7

Because of this, my bro argued that: 1) the total character assassination that is the idea of Steve just sitting back and letting all the shit happen happen is no longer a problem - for all we know, the alternate reality oldman!Steve came from might have become utopic already due to his presence and foresight. He played coy when talking to Sam so we don't know for certain he didn't save Bucky, get rid of Hydra, and enact social reform when he had the chance. 3/7

Likewise, 2) the accusation that Steve would rob Peggy of her husband and children is a non-issue as Steve went back to a time before Peggy and Daniel got together - I argued here that it was still wrong for him to do given that he KNEW for a fact that Peggy lived a happy life, whereas it was a gamble if he could give her the same. My bro shot back when you truly loved someone, you want them to be happy and to have what's best for them. 4/7

So if Steve chose to go back to Peggy, he had to have believed that he could give her the best life. That Steve based that decision purely on his own assessment is pretty in character (e.g. pushing to become a soldier because he thought that was how he could do his part, even though at the time, he'd have just been a danger to himself and other soldiers; not signing the Accords because he believed in his team's judgment in crises above gov't oversight that might be influenced by politics). 5/7

And lastly 3) he might have settled into the past and started to move on, but what was wrong with him choosing to be selfish and going to the past when given a chance? Why was it wrong for him to go back to a time he knew, where he was beloved by both Peggy and the public, and when he could also save Bucky early? In terms of character growth, wouldn't it be fair for him to finally learn he could be a bit selfish and choose happiness, after a lifetime of nearly suicidal selflessness? 6/7

Our debate was based on confirmed canon with shipping put aside. So I put forth the sin of leaving a traumatized Bucky, Sam, and world behind, that Steve's actions were surely the result of a man broken by grief again and again, and that choosing the past was him running away - which, I argued, was a horrible way to end his character arc. But my brother asked me why I thought so, because wasn't this the so-called 'soft epilogue' that Steve deserved, one that was most in line with canon? 7/7

***************

Hey love! Very interesting argument you and your brother are having here… I’m sure he’s a great guy but I have to say that I vehemently disagree with him (as you probably already guessed lol). Soooo many people have done an excellent job at explaining why, shipping aside, Steve’s ending in EG was absolute bollocks, and I’m certain I could never argue this case as well as all of them have. Nevertheless, I’ll do my best to explain why, in my opinion, your brother is wrong :p I’m going to put my reply under the keep reading tag, because it is long.

1.      The Russos and Markus & McFeely (the writers) never managed to agree on whether Steve really did go back to an alternate timeline, and if so, how that would have worked, exactly. When they were asked, after EG had been released, about whether Steve would have just sat back and let everything he knew was happening/going to happen in the decades to come, both to Bucky and to the world at large, they came up with this ‘alternate timeline’ solution, but they kept contradicting each other on the logistics and technicalities of it (like how would old man Steve suddenly be able to jump timelines to come back to give Sam the shield in EG? And how did EG Steve attend Peggy’s funeral, like they also suggested, which would technically have been in a different timeline?). Which makes it pretty clear that this wasn’t something they’d considered beforehand or even all agree on afterwards, and therefore it can’t technically allowed to play a role in judging the rightness of Steve’s ending in EG if we’re looking at it from a ‘the creator’s word is law’ perspective. Moreover, there is nothing to indicate in EG itself that Steve knew he’d be able to create alternate timelines, so that would’ve been a crazy gamble on his part. Also, him ‘playing coy’ in that final scene with Sam really isn’t a convincing indication that he was actually, canonically, talking about anything besides marrying Peggy.

2.      Which bring us to point two: Peggy had literally told Steve she’d lived a happy life with her family, and told him in no uncertain terms to move on. If Steve really loved her, he would have accepted her wishes and allowed her the dignity of her choice (something Peggy herself, in CA:TFA, had told Steve was important to do when you care about someone) to move on from him once she believed him dead. Steve deciding that he would be better for Peggy because he believed was a better man than the person she ended up marrying originally would be the most un-like Steve thing to do, ever. Steve has never once shown that he thinks of himself as the hero or better than other people – he simply wants to do the best he can to help make the world a better place. He would never say “Peggy deserves the best and I believe I am the best, therefore she will have me, regardless of what she thinks or wants.” Steve drinks respect women juice, that’s clear from all of his movies, and deciding the course of her entire life for her, taking away her agency, whether in his own timeline or another, would be utterly disrespectful to Peggy.

3.      As for the next point: of course there’s nothing wrong with Steve being selfish for once – Steve is human, and all humans are selfish sometimes, and that’s okay. But, as Chris Evans already explained multiple times prior to Endgame, Steve had already made selfish decisions in the past, namely when it came to getting Bucky back and keeping him safe. Shipping aside, Bucky was presented in all the Cap movies as Steve’s very best friend, and was even called his ‘soulmate’ (platonically or otherwise) by M&M (the writers). So when, in Civil War, Steve was presented with a choice between duty/what was expected of him by the government versus saving Bucky/keeping Bucky safe, Steve was selfish and chose Bucky. That, canonically, made sense. Peggy being presented as the ultimate love of Steve’s life, who he loved and valued more than anyone or anything else in the world (which is what happened in EG), canonically does not make sense. 

In CA:TWS, Peggy told Steve to move on. When Peggy died, Steve buried her and mourned her, and then not long after, he canonically kissed Peggy’s niece. Then, in Infinity War, Steve saw Bucky turn to dust before his very eyes in the “Blip” (a conscious decision on the writers’/directors’ part to show how Steve once again lost what was most important to him while helplessly standing by) – and the next thing we know, Steve is leading a support group for other people who lost loved ones in the Blip, and starts talking about losing… Peggy? Huh. Also, Steve going back to a time which your brother calls “a time when he was beloved the public” doesn’t add up, either: technically, Steve went back to a time where people loved an idea of him, but also believed him to be dead. So either he would have had to have found a way to convincingly stage his own resurrection (meanwhile possibly leaving the other version to vegetate in the ice..? depending on how this timeline malarkey was supposed to work), or he would have lived his whole life hidden behind some fake persona – which does not sound like Steve at all, does it?

4.      Finally, let’s talk about Bucky some more, because I think we need to to be able to assess the situation properly. I understand that your brother may believe that shippers are often delusional and only see what they want to see etc, but there is ample evidence, canonically, of Bucky being the most important person in Steve’s life – the person he would give up the shield for, the person he would give up his other friendships for, the person he would give up his life for. Peggy may have been a recurring character in character in the three Cap movies, but she was never presented as the principal motivator of his actions, or as the love of Steve’s life. You know who was? Bucky. Sure, that love wasn’t canonically romantic in nature, but there can’t be any doubt that Bucky meant more than anything to Steve. Therefore, Steve choosing to have a ‘soft epilogue’ that entails him spending the rest of his life without Bucky – and, more importantly, Bucky to spend the rest of his life without Steve – contradicts everything we’ve learned about their relationship (platonic or otherwise) in the rest of the movies, does it not? 

Also, the Russos have said something to the effect that Bucky and Steve were now both mentally ‘well enough’ to not ‘need’ each other anymore (because as we all know, that’s exactly how friendships work…), but it’s pretty clear from EG that Steve was still traumatized by everything he’d been through, and going back to the 50s would have meant he would never be able to get proper help with that and in fact could only talk about any of it with Peggy and Peggy alone. Moreover, M&M have literally said in interviews that Bucky wasn’t all that well yet, mentally, and TFAWTS also shows convincingly that Bucky was not actually in a good place when Steve left him. So that would have meant that Steve either did not see this (unlikely, given how close they were) or did not care (unlikely, given how close they were). 

It would have meant that for the first time in all these movies, Steve decided “to hell with Bucky’s needs, I’m gonna just be selfish because I’ve earned it and claim my trophy wife because actually I am the best man for her, despite the fact that she’s already lived a happy life that I will be negating against her wishes, but that’s fine because maybe I’ll be able to create a different timeline, and maybe I’ll be able to save Bucky from all his trauma anyway, but then again maybe not, but that brings me back to my first point of to hell with Bucky’s needs” - which does not make a lot of sense to me, personally. Not to mention that, in exchange for his ‘soft epilogue’, Steve would also leave the world to sort out the post-Blip mess without him, and leave all the other friends he still had left and clearly cared about a lot to boot. I would not call that character growth, I would call that character disintegration. If your brother insists on taking the creator’s word as gospel and that we have to accept that Steve really did do what he did at the end of Endgame, and that wasn’t just a case of bad, lazy writing fuelled by greed, then to make a decision like this, Steve would have been either an asshole in disguise all along, or mentally extremely unstable.

There you have it, my two cents! I hope this helps a little in settling the argument with your brother, anon! Lots of love ❤️

[arcadialedger]

Please note that I am most likely leaving this platform. I am done being abused. But first? We need to have a discussion. A discussion about hate and bullying in fandom.

All online-- I encourage you to read my story below. Reblog and spread awareness. The Dragon Prince fandom especially -- I implore you read my words, every single one of them. The short of it is that I am done. 

This all began with losing and being blocked by a friend because I shared something they disagreed with. I don’t care what you feel about my initial reaction to this (which I’ll explain below) -- I’ve apologized for not handling the situation correctly. But I will not be shamed for speaking my mind and standing up for myself.

Because no human being deserves to go through what I have endured since last summer.

Following the “callout” post made about me by one of, if not the largest blogs in this fandom, I received hundreds of threats, harassment messages, and death threats. Messages and posts telling me to kill myself were also prominent, on a multiple times a week basis for awhile.

Messages from people who were well aware I have struggled with being suicidal. Due to one of their favorite Dragon Prince blogs speaking out against me, they thought it was okay to suicide bait me.

And it worked. I already struggle with hating myself, am already insecure, and being flooded with these comments which, while I made mistakes, did nothing to deserve, drove me to try and take my own life after years of progress in my mental health.  

Mind you, this is like a 200 follower to 4k follower power dynamic. Which yes, plays a role-- because when you have a large following and influence, you have power. Yet the person behind this had the gall to claim Tumblr clout isn’t real.

People blocking and condemning others instantly at your word? Is power. If people read your words and are influenced, or have their minds changed, or buy or don’t buy something, etc.-- you are an influencer. You have power. And when you’re one of the largest blogs in a fandom, you have a LOT of power.

So take responsibility. 

I was hurt because I lost a friend who I had chatted with for months, did a podcast with, and was generally not only one of my favorite blogs but the center of my experience in the Dragon Prince. I may not have been perfect in my words, but when I was asked why I was quiet/ inactive, I explained how I was hurting, anonymously. I was understandably in pain and upset. I had been cut off for just having a different opinion on a matter, for thinking differently. Even though it was within their rights to block and do so, it felt wrong and it weighed on me.

Is that such a crime?

The callout post and previously described abuse followed, lasting for months until later in the year (this began in June, or around then). It also included screenshots of tweets, when this user does not have Tumblr, and they have stated to have screenshots stored up on their computer of my various posts and interactions. This is creepy behavior, and freaked me out. I felt like I was being stalked, “evidence” being filed away for the very purpose of being used against me. 

I eventually talked things out with the blog per recommendation of my therapist, and thought all would be fine. For a little while, it was. I largely stayed off of Tumblr to heal. Once in awhile I would have a rough, tearful night because something reminded me of what I lost, but I would make it through. Overall, I was making progress.

Then? My Twitter got hacked by one of the people sending me hate. For what had turned out to be much. And after they tweeted some purposefully incriminating and bigoted things to make me look bad, I came home from a weekend in the mountains to a shitstorm.

Twitter has a love hate relationship for me and I barely opened the app unless actively chatting with a friend. So when I saw 700+ notifications, I was surprised. It had never happened before.

I began to scroll through, and when I saw what had happened, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I had lost over half of my followers and a solid 60% of previous Twitter mutuals had blocked me. But worst of all, I had hundreds of hate tweets directed at me replying to the hackers tweets. Messages had been sent in DMs and accounts blocked, followed, and unfollowed as well.

If you have never felt that loss of agency-- that sickening feeling of words you never said next to your profile-- be glad. Because it is traumatic. I value my words. I value what I have to say. And having that taken from me was worse than anything I had been through here on Tumblr, outside of the suicide baiting (the most direct attack to me and my emotions/ insecurities throughout this entire ordeal). Further, this hacker had clearly stalked my tweets based on some of their comments. 

Hundreds of tweets bashing me, calling me aphobic slurs (knowing I am asexual mind you, as it was in my bio), making fun of my appearance and targeting all of the insecurities which lead to my first suicide attempt in high school, and taking/ editing images of my face and mocking them. This all culminated in a doxing threat-- a doxing threat which made me feel unsafe on a campus I had already been sexually assaulted on. I was once again, after starting the healing process, thrusted back into the darkest time of my life and spiraled into anxiety and depression. I cried a lot overwhelmed by it all, had difficulty sleeping, and felt sick. I started fall semester and couldn’t concentrate on school. I was a mess.

I had once again been condemned, this time for something I had no part in. I tried to example what happened but nobody listened. I had been hung without trial. People were understandably confused, and my entire reputation on the platform, and my page, became a mess of lies, misunderstandings, and more.

If you don’t know the feeling of already hating yourself and being insecure, and having these beliefs reinforced and spread by hundreds publicly across the internet? Of already feeling lonely and unwanted and having the one space you thought you had taken from you? Consider yourself lucky. 

I had a lot of voice actors and creators following me-- accounts I interacted and greatly cherished my mutual with. A handful of them unfollowed, understandably. This online hate mob was sending messages to people demanding they unfollow me, including some of these creators. They had no idea what to make of this mess or what was real and true and just didn’t want to deal with it. Most of the others just stopped interacting with me. @aaronwaltke (tagging so those who don’t follow already click and do so, because he is absolutely fantastic-- he’s a writer for ToA)  who had followed me on the platform, graciously wished me peace with the entire situation after I checked to make sure he had not been subjected to messages or hate, either from my hacker or other accounts. His was the greatest compassion I got on Twitter, before I ultimately ended up just having to delete.

I lost podcast deals because of this with Adrian Petriw, Aaron Ehasz, and Justin Richmond. I do not blame them one bit and would have done the same in the confusion not wanting to get dragged into anything. 

Only to have one of the friends I lost who helped start this interview these very people on their own podcasts. A slap in the face. A zine I had bought to support them came to my door, with the front page proclaiming to “spread a narrative of love.”

I was never granted that chance. That compassion. I had the vultures sent after me with no mercy. And anyone who has been through online abuse and systemic harassment knows just how much it feels like they’re slowly but surely picking at your flesh ( a metaphor I used in one of my old, since deleted posts discussing the situation, and still find accurate), wearing you down until you have no strength left.

Make no mistake, my story is not a one off situation. Many share the same tale of abuse and being driven off of platforms that once gave them great joy. These attacks are coordinated, systemic, and common hobby for these people-- who largely claim to be loving and accepting of all. They are a cyberbullying phenomenon which has risen with the presence of fandom on the internet. And I want to make clear, with current discussions of “cancel culture”, I mean nothing political in that statement. Some might call my experience cancel culture, but I don’t.

It’s just bullying. It’s just hate. These people get off on ruining people’s lives.

And my life was greatly set back and ruined. I had a stain on my past in fandom I could never be rid of. I had to shut down my podcast, took time off of all social media, and most of what I had built, most of my growth, was taken from me while those who incited and/ or spread hate thrived and continued to grow and find success. That was the greatest sting of all. 

I asked the one previous friend who hadn’t blocked me, but had just stopped interacting with me (which I understood and respected, and also greatly respected her perspective, help, and support though this situation in which she largely unfortunately ended up in the middle) for help after explaining everything, and got nothing. They didn’t seem to care, and just blocked me on all platforms. Once in awhile, I would find I was cut off from yet another old friend, or a blog that I had never interacted with before but clicked into, interested. It hurt being cut off, unable to fully interact with the fandom, but I could move on.

That pain would never go away, but I made clear I did not blame them for the actions of those who abused, harassed, and threatened me. I also made it clear they did not owe me anything, including unblocking. 

I just wanted to move on peacefully, but those with the power to enable that did not wish to help. I slowly, when I felt ready, began to be more active on Tumblr again, and once again the hate started up. 

Sometimes when I was hurting, I expressed my pain and loss to my followers just to reach out, because I was sad. I had no idea how to rebuild from all that had happened. This got me more hate an accusations of emotional manipulation and gaslighting. I had no idea what to do, and got trapped in a cycle of needing to talk about it, and getting hate and backlash, but not knowing where else I could turn. 

My doxer came back into my asks, ultimately making me switch schools, and refueled the drama. Speaking up about this got me more backlash-- mostly accounts reblogging (one with tags saying “fuck you”, despite not knowing the full story, and commenting and then blocking me so I could do nothing to respond or get it off of my page. I deleted all posts of the matter, as requested by these people (who validly pointed out they were in the main fandom tags, which I hadn’t thought of and understood), and hoped to move on.

But it hasn’t stopped. I have been beaten down and emotionally bruised for months. I have had my life and safety threatened, my education and by extension life path altered, and lost work (podcast) opportunities due to this-- alongside the irreversible emotional damage from trauma and abuse. My mental health issues and insecurities-- which I have been very open about to destigmatize the subjects and encourage conversation-- were actively targeted to inflict the most pain possible. 

And I can’t even talk about it, without enduring more hate and accusations of “playing the victim”.

Death threats, suicide baiting, doxing, months of bullying and harassment to the most vile degree, which a lot of these people don’t know about because they don’t even bother to read my words. Yet I’m playing the victim. 

And the accusations of bigotry and being hateful hurt, because it couldn’t be further from what is in my heart. I believing in love and acceptance of all. I don’t know how many are religious here, but I found God after my first suicide attempt and that is what his word has taught me. 

I’ve been through too much in life to tolerate this, for lack of a more eloquent term, bullshit. I know what abuse and victim blaming looks like when I see it. And in my 20 years of life, I have gone through too much: constant ridicule and bullying, suicide attempts, sexual assault, major spinal surgery, to just be stomped over and not stand up for my right to basis human decency. 

I refuse to put up with this, so unless I get an apology and some semblance of justice for everything I have been through, I am leaving. I will not participate in a space run by hate and toxicity. I will never claim to be perfect, and I have apologized for my mistakes and wrongdoings. Now, hold those who did this accountable. If you’re reading this you know very well who it was, and I am not naming them for those who don’t. Because at the end of the day I still send nothing but love and wish no ill will towards them.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t expect accountability of one of the greatest influencers in the fandom for their complacency in abuse, threats, suicide baiting, and and absolute ruining of my life and online experience. They enabled this and were well aware they had the power to stop it-- to ask their followers to stop-- and did nothing. They didn’t care-- about a human’s life and well being. 

@dragonprinceofficial, are you aware that this is what many of the fans of your show, which preaches love and an end to the cycle of vengeance, do to others? That this is happening in your space? If you stand at all by the values you preach, condemn it. @staffTumblr/ @supportTumblr-- shame on you for allowing this abuse to happen and ignoring my reports. Shame on you for permitting these people to operate in your platform and for being okay with hosting hate. People have been driven to suicide on your website-- I am one of the lucky ones. 

If you care at all about humanity and stand against this behavior, reblog and spread awareness. Share my story so I may not happen to anyone else. Tag @dragonprinceofficial until they notice and speak out. 

This is my story, and so many others. Make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. No human being deserves to be treated how I was. Everyone deserves compassion, decency, and respect. And everyone deserves a place in fandom. Do better. If you want to reach out to me DMs are open, as well as my email, which is attached to my account. Until this change happens and I am given the support/ help needed to safely function on this platform, this blog will not be active outside of that. 

Thank you all of the many accounts who have supported me, and I am working on getting back to all who have reached out! Your love means the world. You know who you are, and I don’t want to tag in case people come after you for showing me kindness. I am sorry if this is goodbye, to all that have enjoyed my blog. I enjoyed it for a long time  too. I loved sharing my passion for stories, culture, having a space where I could analyze and discuss my favorite things.  I loved getting to share what I had to offer with the world, having fun and posting jokes with my unique sense of humor. I loved interacting with intelligent people/ fellow fans and discussing my favorite stories, offering each other new insights and growing together. I loved the many, many kind and wonderful people who reached out to me in a variety of ways and provided support and friendship.

In the end, it just isn’t worth all of this pain and trauma, and I know when to put my foot down. I don’t want pity, I don’t want apologizes, and I’m not a martyr. I just want my story to make a difference-- to spur positive change in fandom culture/ spaces.  I will be tagging all fandoms in which I have seen this kind of abuse present as well, to reach as many as possible. 

Be safe, and be kind.

- The Arcadia Ledger/ Ryn/ Katie, signing off.

[thenovelartist]

Burned Beginnings, Chapter 4

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10. Tutoring

When Marinette entered the bakery to help Adrien complete the handfuls upon handfuls of special orders, he could tell she was on a mission. He really liked the strong set of her posture and determined glint in her eye whenever she got that way, which meant he’d have trouble ignoring that distraction and keeping on top of the schedule.

“So,” she began, turning her fiery look towards him. “I think I’ve made a decision.”

Adrien raised a brow. “What?”

“About the fashion world.”

“You have my attention.” After all, she’d been researching non-stop for over a month, now. He’d seen how much it was wearing on her. At the moment, she looked revitalized.

“I need you to be my own private tutor for a moment.”

Adrien couldn’t help but grin like a cat that got the cream. He sauntered up to her, striking his best pose. “Oh? Just what am I gonna be teaching you, milady? And is this really the place for it?”

Marinette’s expression fell flatter than a crepe. “Adrien.”

“Hint taken,” he said, straightening himself up. “What am I teaching you?”

“I want every story you have to tell,” she said. “You may not have been a designer, but you first hand witnessed your father’s fashion empire and were involved in several different sides of it. I want to know your own personal experience with everything. Good, bad, ugly, right, wrong; I want to know.”

His mouth set in a hard line. “I… I wouldn’t mind it,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “But fair warning: I’m biased.”

“That’s what I want to know, too,” she said. “The fashion industry is extremely competitive. And from the data I’ve seen, there’s plenty of people who go in with high hopes, only to get chewed up and spit out. What are your dark secrets? What am I actually looking forward to if I go in?”

Adrien frowned. He had plenty of stories to tell, that wasn’t the issue. What was the problem was the likelihood they’d discourage her from pursuing fashion any further. And if she did end up wanting to go into fashion, he didn’t want to crush any hope she currently held.

But looking at her now, he realized he wouldn’t be able to tell her no. She had a determination in her eyes that was both sexy and frightening. That look warned that she was on the verge of a decision, and whatever she chose would be ultimate and final.

Part of him loved that fire in her, and part of him wished he had half the gumption she did.

“Okay,” he relented. “But before I do, can you promise me that you’re not basing everything off what I say? That it will only add to all the other research you’ve done.”

She nodded resolutely. “Promise.”

He sighed. “Well,” he said, giving her a sheepish smile. “Guess the question now is where do I even begin?”

 11. Truth or Dare

Marinette had come to her decision, and no one would sway her from it.

The tales Adrien had told her were mostly along the lines of what she expected, while there were others that more strongly leaned towards “that’s pretty good,” and still others that crossed into “that’s really bad” territory.

So, after that evening, the question she had faced herself with was not “could I handle this?” but rather “do I want to do this?” and “do all the potential benefits out way all the negative?”

But really, that brought her back to “what do I even want out of life?” because her answer changed everything…

Which make her realize that maybe she wasn’t so resolute in her decision after all.

She was almost nineteen. By now, most of her classmates had plans for the future they were all pursuing. She had thought she’d had plans, but when they all crumbled beneath her feet, she found herself lost, wondering around the Land of What-Do-I-Do-Now?

“Marinette!”

With a squeak, she practically leapt five feet into the air at the sudden voice right beside her. When she realized it was Adrien, she leaned against the bakery table with a heavy sigh. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“Someone was lost in thought.”

“Yeah! And the last thing you do when someone is lost in thought is purposefully surprise them by suddenly appearing right beside them. Jerk!” With a hint of a smile, she took some of the flour on the table and flicked it at him, knowing that if she did, he’d wipe that apologetic look of his face and loosen up a bit.

“Hey!” He turned away, but not quick enough. Flour dusted his perfect jawbone and perfect collar bone and perfectly fitted t-shirt. But it was the perfect smile that he wore that made the rest of the heaviness she felt on her shoulders disappear, even if only for a moment.

“Don’t do that again,” she warned, her voice not really holding any bite in it.

“No promises,” he said with a chuckle, dusting the flour off him. “That was a pretty cute squeak, princess.”

She just sighed. There was no getting him off the name by now so she’d just learned to roll with it. “I am not cute! I am fierce.”

“Yeah, like a little fluffy Papillion.”

She gasped, flicking even more flour at him. He laughed again.

“Is the bread in the oven yet, Marinette?” her father called out, bringing her back to reality.

“Almost!” she cried, quickly hurrying to score the tops of the loaves on the last pan before hurriedly sticking all the pans she’d made in the oven. “Done!”

“Thank you.” That was when her papa reappeared. “The fridge is clean now, so I’m off.”

“And I’m on,” Adrien said with a grin. “There’s only a couple special orders to handle tonight, right?”

“Yup. You’ll finish those in a flash.”

Adrien beamed. “Perfect. Got to love when my days are easy.”

Her papa chuckled. “Can’t disagree with you there. Being a baker is more fun when you don’t have too large an order burden.”

“Exactly,” Adrien agreed, already tying on his apron.

After Marinette saw her papa off, leaving just her and Adrien in the kitchen, he sidled up to her. “Let’s play a game.”

She quirked a brow at him. He looked way too mischievous at the moment. “You just got on shift, and you want to play a game?”

He was positively beaming. “Yup.”

Although she shook her head, she didn’t mind it. She enjoyed running shifts with Adrien or just hanging out with him in general. But she knew that if they started up, she was the one who’d have to keep them on track for the night. “Start in on something first. Unless you wanna be here all night.”

“Point taken.” Immediately, Adrien set to work weighing ingredients and then mixing up a dough.

“So,” he said as he worked. “Truth or dare.”

Marinette dropped the bench scraper in her hand, less out of shock and more out of annoyance, as she shot him an incredulous look. “Are you kidding me?”

“No.”

“You want to play truth or dare? Now?”

“Yup. Just for a couple rounds.”

Little red flags went up in Marinette’s mind as she studied the overly happy blond. “Why?”

“Because I want to. Now! Truth or dare?”

She should shut this down before they got into trouble, but she had the feeling he’d tease her for it if she did. And she was not going to give him the chance. “Which one do you want me to pick?”

Adrien turned to study her a moment. “Dare.”

“Truth, then,” she countered with a grin.

“Yes!” He pumped his fist in the air. “I was banking on that.”

This time, she almost did drop the bench scraper out of shock. “What?”

“I know you,” he twittered, grinning like the idiot he was. “I know you. You weren’t going to give me the satisfaction of picking what I wanted; you never do. So, I just played you like the cheap fiddle you are.”

Marinette tried to look offended. She really did. But it was hard when her cute, idiot coworker was doing a happy dance. That, and she rather enjoyed this banter they always had. “Excuse you, who are you calling a cheap fiddle?”

“You, princess.”

“Oh really? The kazoo is calling me a cheap fiddle.”

“Kazoo?”

“Kazoo.”

He pantomimed being stabbed through the heart, and while he tried to keep the smile off his face, she could tell he was struggling. “Ahh, the ice princess is so cold. The light is fading. Limbs. Growing. Cold.”

She failed suppressing a laugh, turning and hiding her growing grin behind her hand. He was such a dork.

Adrien seemed to pull himself together, laughing along with her as he went back to measuring more ingredients. “Okay, okay. Back to the topic at hand.”

Marinette calmed herself, but her smile refused to budge. “Okay, you were asking me truth.”

Adrien came to stand right across from her. He reached across the table, grabbing her hands and pulling them closer. Her smile was gone now, and so was Adrien’s, as their combined hands rested in the middle of the table. “Scale of one to ten, how much do you trust me?”

Her cheeks and neck and chest flushed red as she stared into his green eyes. “W… what brought that on?”

His grasp on her hands tightened. “I just want to know.”

That was a lie. Or, at least only a half truth. He had a different reason for asking that specific question. She knew it. She could tell. Eight months of working together, and she’d come to be able to read this man like a book.

When had they gotten so close?

She took a breath to clear her mind. She’d probe him later, or maybe their little game would give her the answer she was looking for in that regard. But for now, she quietly responded, “A solid 8.5.”

Adrien paused, taking in those words before slowly nodding. “8.5,” he murmured. “I’ll take it.”

With that, he pulled his hands away. Marinette felt the loss immediately, but there wasn’t anything she was willing to do to make them come back. Not yet, anyway.

And would her heart calm down already? The way it was racing made it hard to think.

“Truth or dare?” she asked, voice quiet.

“Truth,” he answered.

“How many secrets would you say you’re hiding from me right now?”

A loaded question, Marinette knew. But she just had a feeling, an inkling, that she knew the exact number. One for what he was hiding now, and one… if he had feelings for her.

It wasn’t the first time that thought had popped into her mind. She’d had her suspicions for a while now that his flirty banter wasn’t just out of good, playful fun. And maybe she was reading into it too much, but she felt like he’d been more… touchy with her lately. A fist pound here, a pat on the shoulder here, a playfully light punch to the arm in the heat of their teasing; things like that. And if not touching, then he seemed to like being close. And and and…

And was she wrong, or did when he ask her ‘truth’, he purposefully make it that intimate?

Do you like me, Adrien? Or am I jumping to a conclusion?

And to I like you in return? Or am I mistaking our friendship for something more?

Because I don’t want to hurt you. And I don’t want to get hurt by you.

But…

It might be too late for that.

“Like…” Adrien began after a moment’s pause. “Define secret.”

“Something that you do not, in the near future, intend to tell me or would be comfortable in telling me.”

Adrien pursed his lips. “How will you know I’m being honest about the number?”

“I trust you 8.5 out of ten, right?” she softly reminded. “A number that can go up or down at any time.”

That got Adrien to wince. “Yeah,” he murmured.

There was a long pause, one Marinette wasn’t sure he was going to break.

“How far is ‘near future’?” he finally asked.

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah, it does.”

She paused. “Then answer how many secrets are on the line here.”

“Only one.”

“Only one?”

“Something I am not comfortable telling you or don’t intend to tell you in the near future, per your words, yes. Only one.”

Her brows knit together. Only one? Which meant… either the thing he was hiding now or the feelings. It was one or the other, but not both. “So…” she said, trying to hide her disappointment. “Are you saying that you intend to tell me this sometime in the future? But don’t know when in the future that will be?”

His brow knit together nervously, before he played it off with a warbly smile. “I’m pretty sure I answered my truth, already, princess.”

She frowned. Technically, he did, in an odd, roundabout way that somehow left her with more questions than answers. “Fine. How about we just drop this already?”

Part of her didn’t want to drop it. Part of her wanted to be able to pull another truth out of him. She wanted… needed to know which secret he was hiding. But she wasn’t sure her heart could handle it if it wasn’t the secret she wanted it to be.

“One more round,” he quickly begged.

Marinette quirked a brow but surrendered without fuss. “Fine. Dare. What are you gonna make me do now?”

He grinned. “I was hoping for that.”

“Why?”

He stopped the mixer, then came over to her and once again leaned in close. “I dare you… to come to New York with me.”

Marinette was frozen. She blinked her eyes several times, and her tongue felt glued to the roof of her mouth.

Eventually, she found the words to say. “I’m sorry, repeat that?”

 12. Seatmates

It had been a month since Adrien had gotten the pleasure of surprising Marinette with a trip to New York.

After Marinette had asked him for his stories of the fashion world, Adrien had been so worried that she’d walked away with the determination to surrender her former dreams, and that made him feel too guilty to handle. So, breaking the unspoken vote of confidence she’d placed in him, he’d talked to her parents.

He hadn’t divulged everything, just the bare essentials necessary to get them to understand. Mr. Dupain had seemed surprised, but the information didn’t seem to have caught Mrs. Cheng off guard. It made more sense when she admitted she’d been suspecting something was up for a while, and this had confirmed it.

So Adrien had told them what he wanted to do: give Marinette’s dreams one last encouraging push by taking her to fashion week. His original plan had been for it to be Paris’ fashion week, but he’d been keeping tabs on Chloe and her whereabouts as well as taking into account that Marinette had been barred from several Parisian schools. If she wanted school to be a reality, she wouldn’t be in Paris, meaning it might be beneficial to take her outside the country. It would give her the chance her to explore and stretch her wings in a way staying inside France would not allow.

With her parents’ blessings on the idea, Adrien had started planning. And then had come the fun part of surprising her with it.

The roller-coaster of emotions she’d gone on after his dare had been a joy to watch. Disbelief to doubt to shock to excitement. She’d been so expressive that Adrien had found himself falling even harder. And when she’d agreed to let him take her to New York—which took no small amount of convincing—he’d been over the moon.

However, there was one thing about that day he couldn’t forget. Mostly because it hung of his head. Marinette had only remembered by the end of her shift that she still had one last round of truth or dare.

“Dare,” he’d answered. It was only fair.

She’d seemed relieved almost at that. And with her words, he understood why. “I dare you to let me save my dare for another time.”

After recalling the way she’d tortured him by cashing in her last favor by making him clean out the deep, dark crannies of the freezer and storage room, he had been hesitant about this one. Even if she had repaid him for that torture with the best dinner he’d eaten in months, he still couldn’t forget the devious sparkles in her eyes as she cashed in that favor. It made him worried for just what kind of dare she would make him do.

Hopefully it wouldn’t be too bad. After all, he was taking her to New York. She wouldn’t be cruel, would she?

Quietly, he scoffed. No, this was Marinette. She could be downright devious if she wanted to and make him think he was okay with it.

A weight on his shoulder called him out of his reverie. They’d been watching a new anime he’d downloaded on his computer for the plane ride. When they started, Marinette had seemed intent on watching it, but at the moment, it seemed his seatmate was too tired to keep it up.

“Hey,” he whispered, gently shaking his shoulder.

She took an earbud out but didn’t look up. “Hmm?”

“Do you want to just watch this later and sleep now?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Okay.” He paused the anime, then shut his computer screen.

Marinette shifted just enough to take out her earbuds, but then she was back to leaning against his shoulder. “This okay?” she asked, her groggy voice barely above a whisper.

“It’s fine,” he assured even though his heart protested. It was a little too okay with him. “Get some sleep.”

With one last hum, Marinette fully settled against his side, and within a little while, she was out.

Adrien sighed, leaning his head against Marinette’s.

“Truth or dare?” she asked, voice quiet.

“Truth,” he answered, going back to the mixer to turn it off.

“How many secrets would you say you’re hiding from me right now?”

He let his eyes drift closed at the memory. If only he had the courage to go for it. But this was the girl he considered to be his closest friend, and he wasn’t ready to take that plunge quite yet.

I really like you.

If she didn’t feel the same, he was sure they could go back to almost normal in time, but there would always be that rift.

A small, bitter smile suddenly crossed his lips. Here he was, trying to encourage her to follow her dreams or at least press forward to take a chance, and he was too much a coward to take his own advice.

What a hypocrite.

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

Can you please do a sequel to the Thomas piece you posted?? I would love to see more of their “rekindled” (idk if that’s the right word) relationship evolve. Thanks so much!!

So, uh...I know what the doctor ordered and all, but I kinda made it real angsty cause I have no idea how to write anything other than angst so...yeah...🤡

Sorry if this was all over the place🤦🏻‍♀️

~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back on the past several months, you wondered if there was anything you could've done differently.

Maybe, if you just kept to yourself, none of this would be happening.

You and Thomas tried your best to get everyone out of the Maze, you really did. You knew there would be casualties, but you never thought it would be Chuck...or Newt.

After your memories returned, you and Thomas did everything in your power to try and convince the Gladers that you weren't the bad guys. Of course, Gally didn't take too kindly to that news; and when Teresa came up in the Box, all hell broke loose.

You had no idea how you managed to get out of that situation, but thankfully you had more than just Thomas and Teresa on your side. You escaped the Maze. You escaped W.C.K.D. You saved Minho and countless other kids that were taken. Now...you were safe, as crazy as it sounds.

A part of you wished you never got your memories back. You wished you could've just stayed in the Glade with Chuck, Newt, Alby, Ben, or even Teresa. It was hard to not blame yourself, because you were to blame. Maybe none of this would've happened if you just stayed away from Thomas.

Sure, you harbored a bit of resentment. Not just at him though, the whole situation was fucked up, and you knew that, it wasn't fair to blame it all on one person.

Seeing so many of your friends die, in part, because of you, put a strain on your relationship with Thomas. It sucked, because you all were on the run for so long that you didn't even get a chance to spend quality time with him. All you had was your memories to keep you company, which is more than anyone else could say. Which, you guessed, made you lucky.

All these memories coming back to you in an instant, remembering how Thomas was then compared to who he is now, it took some getting used to. Before the Maze, you had a very specific idea of who Thomas was, who he was to you. He was your best friend. He was your partner. He was your soulmate. So why did you start to see things so differently?

It was subtle, at first, just little things you disagreed on from time to time. Like, how you both handled conflict. Then, when Gally became a problem, you had very different ideas on how to handle him. Ultimately, that problem came to a head quickly and you had no choice but to go along with Thomas' plan.

But after escaping the Maze, you two practically disagreed with everything. Granted, looking back, you wished you had agreed on certain things. You were ashamed of yourself for how you treated the Winston situation. When he got infected, you already came to the conclusion that he was just dead weight. Obviously, Thomas had an issue with that. You were never that close to the kid, neither was Thomas, but he was still dead set on dragging him across the desert. It was only when Winston tried to kill himself is when Thomas finally broke.

You apologized to Thomas that night, but he surprised you when he said he understood where you were coming from. He knew Winston would've make it, but he was too stubborn and scared to admit it to himself. That moment was the first time you kissed him since you had gotten your memories back, and Thomas kissed you back.

You always made a strong effort to see things Thomas' way, even if he didn't notice it. But your opinions were so strong sometimes, that you'd completely ignore the pit in your gut that told you that he'd never agree, even if you made a compelling argument. It was frustrating. You knew that some of your ideas were a bit lackluster, you came from a more inconspicuous, strategic approach when it came to plans, whereas Thomas was more guns blazing. But when it came to Minho's rescue mission, both of your views came in handy.

Even now, you wondered if you had went along with Thomas' plan of attack, would Teresa still be alive? Would Newt? Obviously, you had no way of knowing. But just the thought that maybe you might've been at fault made you shut down sometimes.

You had yet another argument with Thomas, and you just couldn't handle being around him anymore. It wasn't the smartest of plans, but you snuck out of camp and wandered into the forest away from the beach. Even in the heat of your rage, you were almost positive you could find your way back again, so you didn't worry. All you tried to focus on was steadying your heartbeat, but all you could do was take an unpleasant trip down memory lane.

It probably should've worried you that it was getting dark really quick. If you were still at camp, you could probably still see the sun going down. But the forest pretty much blocked out all light, even the moon just barely peaking through the trees. But you stayed, suspended a couple feet in the air, sitting on a sturdy tree branch.

Your wrist started to itch, the annoying stinging sensation forcing you out of your state of tranquility and back into the real world. You had to physically stop yourself from huffing, rolling your eyes when you realized that he was close by.

Ever since that day in the Maze, you could always sense Thomas' presence, the ink in your skin giving off a slight burning feeling whenever he was close by. It would start off dull, barely noticeable. The feeling would intensify the closer Thomas would be in proximity until it completely stopped.

"Y/n?"

"Go away." You quickly replied harshly, not even turning around to look at him.

"You need to come back to camp, it isn't safe out here."

"Oh, like it's any safer across the ocean." You sighed.

This was the hundredth disagreement, Thomas wanted to go back to the mainland. His hero complex finding it difficult to just stay in the Safe Haven while there may be other people in need of help. Teresa seemed to finally break him from beyond the grave. He wants to find a way to replicate the cure that she gave to him before she sacrificed herself.

You thought it was stupid. You kept thinking about everyone that has been hurt, everyone that was murdered, all their friends that were experimented on by W.C.K.D. in their hopes of finding a cure. Thomas held the cure in his hand, but it's always never enough. It's like he has to put himself in danger to find a purpose in life. You were almost sure that they was no purpose, just survive.

In the Glade, you had more hope, surprisingly. Without your memories, you woke up with a tiny bit of hope, hope that the world outside the Maze would be better. But then it wasn't. You remembered how shitty the world really was, it even made you miss the Glade. It was a cage, that's for certain, but it almost seemed like you were safer there.

Sure, you were safe now. But your experiences in the Maze combined with all your memories that you had to deal with, you changed, you and Thomas both. Sometimes, it didn't really feel like you were the same people before you lost your memories. Maybe that's why you two were at odds constantly, maybe you two weren't actually soulmates. Who knows what put those tattoos on your skin, it could've been W.C.K.D. for all you knew. It was a very disheartening thought.

"Come on, Y/n. This again, seriously?" Thomas scoffed. "I thought you of all people would understand why I need to do this. If we can replicate the cure, who knows what that could mean for us? For the whole world?"

You sighed, jumping down from the tree branch and standing to face him. "Thomas, I never said we shouldn't try to make more cures. I just think it's idiotic to try and go back to that hellscape."

"It's not that I want to, we don't have the proper tools here that can make it easier to remake the serum."

"Last time we were there, all those buildings were being blown up. Most likely, it's all rubble and ash by now. There wouldn't be anything left to salvage."

"But not impossible."

"Thomas..."

"It's not impossible. Those specific buildings might be gone now, but you know how many more W.C.K.D. facility's there are. We have those coordinates."

"Those buildings are probably overrun by Cranks."

"But there still might be equipment left, and that's enough for me. We owe it to Teresa to try."

You rolled your eyes. "We don't owe her anything, Thomas. She betrayed us all, remember?"

"She saved my life. Our life. Surely, you remember that." You didn't reply. "She was like a sister to you, Y/n. Those feelings aren't just something that goes away overnight."

"It's easier when you remember she always had an agenda to begin with." You snapped, but quickly felt guilty when you saw the tears in Thomas' eyes. Your gaze softened. "Replicating the cure isn't gonna bring her back...we have to move on."

"I know...I know it won't bring her back..." Thomas whispered, slowly sitting down on this forest floor.

You sighed, kneeling down beside him. "I admire that you...want to save the world. But you shouldn't go on a suicide mission because of one person who's not even alive anymore." You said as softly as possible, the chirps of insects around you almost drowning you out.

"You think this is just about Teresa?" Thomas quickly asked, furrowing his brows.

You shrugged. "I know how hard you took her death. And yeah, it's been hard for me too. I was just so angry at her that I didn't allow myself to mourn. But I honestly think that Teresa wouldn't want you to kill yourself over this cure just for her."

Thomas let out a bitter chuckle, shaking his head. "It was never just about her. I...I couldn't save Newt. He wasn't immune, and I am. And I could've saved him if I had just listened to Teresa. So many people on this island aren't immune. Including you...if there's even the slightest chance I could make more cures in order for you to be safe...it's more than enough for me. I can't lose you too."

"Thomas..."

"I can't lose you."

You shook your head, quickly grabbing onto Thomas' hands. "Hey," You said softly, "you're not going to lose me."

"How do you know?"

"Thomas, no one here has the virus. And we're so far away from the mainland...don't you think it would be affecting people already if it could reach us here?"

Thomas stayed silent, casting his gaze to the forest floor dejectedly.

You sat closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder, but still keeping your hands on his. "Thomas, I think the worst is over now. We don't have W.C.K.D. hanging over our heads, and we're not running for our lives anymore...we shouldn't have to worry about this kind of stuff anymore."

"Sometimes it's hard to believe that we don't have to run for our lives anymore..." Thomas whispered softly.

You frowned, leaning more into Thomas. "I know...I've been feeling the same way."

Thomas brought up your wrist, kissing his tattooed name gently. "I'm sorry. I hate arguing with you."

You smiled weakly. "It's okay. I'm sorry too."

"I remember you telling me that my stubbornness will get me killed someday." He chuckled, then sighed. "You weren't wrong. I know I'm stubborn."

"Hey, it's not just you. I know I'm stubborn too."

"We make such a good pair, don't we?" He joked.

The thought about the origins of your tattoos came back into your mind, causing you to frown slightly. "Do you ever think about our tattoos?" You asked hesitantly. "Like, about how they got there in the first place?"

Thomas inhaled deeply. "Yeah. I have."

"Do you think W.C.K.D. is the one who put these here?" You asked, rubbing your thumb over Thomas' tattoo.

"I don't know...maybe. But even if they did, it doesn't matter to me. I love you, and that'll never change."

You looked up at Thomas, seeing that he was already looking at you with a small smile. You felt your face heat up when he moved a strand of your hair out of your face, his fingers lingering on your cheek. "Thomas...?"

"Hmm?"

You leaned in and placing your lips against his gently. "I love you too."

~~~~~~~~~~

yes, i'm aware this was a bit of a mess lmao. hope you enjoyed regardless

[vidavalor]

Bucky flirting with Sam as part of the changing times theme in Ep 5...

This is on the long side. Contains brief mention of the show basically canonizing Bucky as a sexual assault survivor. It’s meta on Bucky and Sam’s identity themes and how the show is shifting into a theme of changing times with the latest episodes-- mostly about how Bucky’s journey is paralleling Sam’s, even while being a different kind of journey.

One of the more interesting subtle themes of Ep 5 is that while we have had a lot of emphasis in the earlier episodes on how much horror still exists in America-- and a very right, necessary emphasis-- as the show begins to pivot towards the part of Sam’s journey that involves him deciding to become Captain America, they are pivoting a bit to illustrate that as much as many things have, unfortunately, not changed the way they should have over time, a lot really has. (Also, the Sam-as-Captain-America thing isn’t meant to be a spoiler as I don’t really totally know if that’s the ending, it just seems um... really the only place this story is going...) They have been using Isaiah to illustrate this point for Sam quite a bit in Ep 5, especially. The core conflict comes from Isaiah believing that a self-respecting Black man wouldn’t want to fight for America after the horrors that have been done to Black people in its history, which is not something that Sam ultimately feels is true. He definitely feels the pain of Black history in America but he still believes *in* America and views it as his country and is accepting that everyone in it really has a role to play in making it live up to the ideals it espouses but has still yet to achieve. In deciding to appreciate Isaiah choosing to open up to him and share his story but respectfully disagree with him on what to do next-- and to have his ability to make this choice reinforced by Sarah supporting him by saying she knows he will choose to fight in the fights he believes in and she has his back-- Sam is choosing to become a symbol of something, even if he’s just a man, and he’s affirming to himself that it is okay for him to believe in this thing he believes in. It’s okay for him to believe in America and love America and what it stands for, even in all its extremely imperfect glory, because he can be the change he wants to see in the world. He knows there are many people who will support him in that and that it only happens if we make it happen and that America, in all its imperfection, has made a lot of positive change happen throughout its short history. 

You know who else is enjoying similar truths in the same episode? Bucky. 

Bucky arrives in Delacroix all “Hello, 21st Century! I’ve always wanted to flirt with a man in public! I will be over here, lifting heavy stuff and getting in the personal space of your next Captain America, Good People of Delacroix, Louisiana!” What’s so endearing about this is not even just that this is clearly the first time that Bucky has felt like he has some control over his own mind, after proving he can manage The Winter Soldier in him a bit in the last few episodes, but that he’s working towards this kind of peace in a time where he really no longer has to hide any part of himself. Long before The Winter Soldier, Bucky was so the guy with a girl on each arm and a guy in the dark of the back alley. He has never, in his entire century-plus of living, been able to really be who he is without fear. It’s not as if there is not any fear left for LGBTQIA people in the world because, sadly, of course there is but loving Sam would have gotten Bucky arrested twice over in the 1940s. Interracial marriage was illegal until the Loving Act of 1967-- and that was still just for heterosexual couples. Obviously, same-sex marriage wasn’t legalized in the U.S. until 2015. If Bucky had been caught with a man in his youth, let alone a Black man, they both would have been arrested. Even if they were let go (and Bucky would have been more likely to suffer less, on account of being white), their reputations and ability to work and serve in the military could have been impacted. 

The show toys with this with Bucky’s interest in exploring it, even through the haze of a lot of severe trauma, back in Episode 1. While he’s mainly eating at the sushi bar because he’s befriended Yori on account of his amends project, he is living in a very modern existence by regularly conversing with these two. Consider that the show chose to make both of them Japanese, basically to illustrate that Bucky, in a sense, was always progressive for his time period. Bucky *could* have been the kind of WW2 soldier who forever saw people of the countries the Allies fought against as an enemy-- your grandfathers and great-grandfathers who never stopped hating the Japanese. But he’s not. He actually comes off as someone whose inability to fit the mode of the heterosexual white American guy in his own time period lent him a lot of empathy towards others and I might be wrong about this because I can’t quite recall at the moment but wasn’t he drafted, as opposed to enlisted? It’s doubtful he even really wanted to fight, although he’s always up for a fight against a bully and clearly hated the Nazis (but wanting to fight fascism makes you far from intolerant.) My point is that Bucky, back in Ep 1, is already experimenting with how living in the 21st century could be a positive thing for him in a life he might want to make for himself, if he can get through his trauma enough to do so.

He eats lunch on the regular with a man who is, in all likelihood, descended somewhere from at least one person who fought on the enemy side to Bucky in WW2. He regularly chats with Leah, who is completely unlike anyone he would have been able to talk to in the 1940s and seems almost designed to be *exactly* that intentionally-- she is a woman with a job that wasn’t like a nurse or a teacher or Peggy Carter lol. She tends bar, a job that was virtually exclusively male in the ‘40s. She has open visible tattoos and is probably putting herself through college-- something that women were just being able to attend, usually in female-only settings. She makes her own money and lives as a single woman, likely without the express intention on getting married and having a family relatively soon. (There’s nothing wrong with any of that. It’s more just that it would have been the exception, rather than the norm, in Bucky’s youth.) Atop that, she is Asian and works in a Japanese restaurant-- the ultimate business that would have suffered during the ‘40s as America didn’t exactly do right by its Japanese-Americans during the war and if Bucky, a white soldier, had been seen with a Japanese girl, it would have been bad for him but worse for her. 

So the reason why Yori has noticed that Bucky always looks at Leah when they eat lunch is probably less about the attraction Yori assumed Bucky had for her and more that Leah is this personal fascination for Bucky-- a human being who is basically the total embodiment of everything that has changed in the world since Bucky was last freely a part of it. Yori assumes Bucky wants a date but Bucky really wants what he ultimately got out of it, which is more just to talk to her a bit. 

They also play Battleship, which is kind of darkly funny. The game originated after WW1 and used to be played on paper. It soared into popularity in the 1930s and has never stopped being popular ever since-- so, in essence, the game they play is the one part of this that, like Bucky, has been in existence the whole time. It has taken on different forms, though. It became a plastic board game in the ‘60s and has been modernized a few times but it’s still here. (It’s also funny that Bucky is kind of losing the game with her, symbolizing that he’s not entirely figured out this whole modern world yet, even if he’s very interested by it.)

But the big thing is that Bucky is beginning to edge away from just observing this new world and trying to decide how he wants to participate in it. He’s basically decided that he might like to and while his heart is completely with Sam, he’s also afraid of himself and his ability to potentially destroy that one really strong wish he has to be with him, so he’s pushing him away by not answering his texts. He’s likely also, atop insecurity in himself, literally terrified at the idea of hurting Sam not just physically-- through some nightmare or some untapped Winter Soldier potential or failing to protect him-- but through the fact that he’s a guy from the 1940s who has literally never openly dated a man, had Black friends during the war but that was decades ago and is not really sure how to do this. 

Forced into a date with Leah, he experiments with the modern world in a way because he’s here because sure, he likes her and all but he was more just interested in her world than her personally and he just didn’t want to disappoint either her or Yori, so he showed up. She seems fairly trustworthy (and he trusts no one but Sam and Yori, so that’s a start) but what he wants really is to say aloud to someone for the first time that he likes men. To see how that goes in this modern era. (Depending on how you take Bucky and Steve, he could have put this into words to Steve at one point, likely way back when, but it’s also possible that they both just knew and didn’t talk about it. Either way, you didn’t go around telling people you didn’t trust in the ‘40s and it’s doubtful that he’s ever just said it to anyone and for sure not on a regular basis.) 

He even knows that this wouldn’t be a deal breaker for a woman, necessarily, in the modern era, which is probably blowing his mind a bit because you would have been hard-pressed to find a woman who would admit to someone she didn’t implicitly trust that back in the ‘40s and it wouldn’t have been so open and accepted. What he really wants in Leah is a new friend and she seems to sense that-- she likes this weird guy with the circulation problem that is nice enough to lunch with the old man at her restaurant, he seems okay enough, if broody and sad, so why not talk to him for a bit? She totally thinks he’s just a closet case (she’s not wrong lol) and won’t really be crushed by him rushing out of the date beyond like “too bad, he was pretty hot” but for Bucky, this is the likely the first time he’s ever casually chatted with another human being about his attempt at finding a guy he likes. 

It’s actually really sweet in that he’s still sort of coding it a bit, if not that much. He’s still a bit nervous about this so he’s saying tiger pictures to reference men so he can say it without saying it. Leah gets it and just kind of rolls with it and probably has zero idea how big a deal it was for the century-old guy sitting at the bar. 

He might have been intentionally dramatic a bit about how it was all “a lot” but he was also telling her the truth-- he did a little exploring online. Found some men. It looked like a lot of work to stroke all these egos. Bucky’s for the modern world but he’s kind of into more old-fashioned guys. He’s got a warm-hearted soldier kink. Family man kind of guys with generous spirits. He’s considering online stuff because he’s also a guy who has been through an absurd amount of trauma-- some of which the show will just come out and say involves sexual assault, off that Selby scene-- and he’s probably considering trying to get beyond some of it by just having sex with somebody. It’s not at all an uncommon response for people who have been raped to try to get beyond it by just having sex again and you know this is yet another level of anxiety for him when it comes to the idea of having another chance at life. He’s nervous around himself at this point and doesn’t fully trust himself, so he’s not sure how he can trust other people and the one guy he *does* trust and *does* want? Bucky has that whole ‘don’t want to burden him with my own issues’ thing happening. (That’s not a bad thing when it’s a situation of expecting your partner to be your therapist, which shouldn’t happen but Bucky would and should have expectations that someone he’d have as a romantic partner can be someone he can trust to care about him and be sensitive to how his past plays into his present needs, in and out of bed.) He’d trust Sam with this but he also wants to be like... he basically feels like he met the potential love of his life while trying to kill him and just got his mind back and the timing is all wrong. It’s a lot of ‘too broken for Sam’ self-narrative. 

Whether or not Bucky actually went beyond scrolling and being astounded at the unattractive insecurity of tiger pictures or whether he hooked up a time or two, it’s clear he didn’t get what he needed out of it and he gave up on it, admitting to himself that he’s really basically a tired old romantic who wants love and trust and the whole dance of things and that kind of intimacy more than the back alley casualness of online dating. This is about as far as Bucky has gotten while trying to deal with his trauma while having a truly terrible therapist: he likes sushi now and would like to have his life’s first real chance at an open, mutual, loving, romantic relationship. He just didn’t know how to get himself there. 

John Walker and the shield issues actually, ironically, gave him scenarios where he could, through actions that suited him better than those his therapist had assigned. He needed to learn not to not hurt anyone but how to manage it when he did. He needed to learn how to be a soldier that protects people again, not the Winter Soldier, and that he can control that part of himself. He needed the opportunity to show Sam that he really does care, he’s just a grieving mess of a man working through being so out of time and secretly scared that he might like this time better, might have a chance at being who he is for the first time, and he doesn’t know quite what to do with that. He lets Sam in enough that they can show one another that they understand each other’s traumas. He tosses himself out of a plane for Sam in the first episode to prove he’ll follow him anywhere, that he’s strong and will survive and come back, knowing about Riley not being alive when he hit that ground. Sam responds by seeing Bucky essentially frozen in a PTSD moment of the train car on the side of that truck and grabs him out of danger. They snark and bicker but the actions speak louder than the words-- there’s caring there and want and a sense that they’re a bit gone on the other. 

Sam’s trust in Bucky-- even as Bucky is still learning how to trust himself with himself-- gives Bucky a confidence boost that he was missing when he pulled away from Sam out of fear of hurting him. The whole White Panther/White Wolf scene? Sam expected Bucky to grumble or blush, he was for sure flirting with him but didn’t expect quite that amount of flirt back. Without realizing it, he had hit on the exact part of Bucky’s identity that was giving him the biggest boost, that he understood the best at that time-- the White Wolf. The White Wolf is the freed Winter Soldier, a peaceful tender of goats, a wounded warrior beloved by a community who rescued him. He represents Bucky’s recent past into his present-- being able to work for the chance to shake loose the Winter Soldier and evolve into a different version of himself. He wanted to impress Sam with that-- he saw Sam’s flirting and parried back, which he didn’t always do, because he knew it would be impressive that the Wakandans had given him a (pretty sexy actually) nickname. He’s boosted by Sam still flirting, Sam still caring, still seeing something in him he’s working on seeing himself. He has some hope, even as they fight, because his attempts at getting closer to Sam are not being rejected wholesale and Sam keeps reaching out to him, often literally. After Madripoor and after Bucky going after and finding Zemo, he feels more ready. He’s more in control of himself. He thinks he has a path to getting beyond the worst of this stuff and he might not have worked out all the details yet or figured out what it looks like but he finally feels ready to try and since Sam hasn’t rejected him, he’s going to take Yori’s advice, just with the right person and stop waiting around, stop just looking and make a move. 

In a way, Sam is introduced to 1940s Bucky for the first time in Delacroix-- this is the guy he saw glimpses of but was pretty deeply buried. He’s not reverted back to the Bucky of old as how could he, after all he’s been through? But this is the flirt, the natural charmer and he’s been set free for real for the first time, without worry or fear that he can’t live a life he wants and be the person he truly is without fear of rejection of who he loves, his family and the community at large. He likes this place that is the exact opposite of everything he’s suffered-- it’s so warm, he’ll never feel frozen again, physically or emotionally. The people here don’t care about his arm or who he loves, Sam’s family has Sam’s big, warm heart and Sam? Well, Bucky’s enjoying making him a little flustered. You like that stealthy White Wolf, Sam? Well, he’s got his eyes on you. ;)

Maybe the best part of this being the parallel to Sam’s decisions about how he wants to identify when it comes to him deciding to take up the shield is that it relates to a sense of freedom that is at the core of both of Sam and Bucky’s stories and is the whole point of Captain America and how it is supposed to symbolize a fight against fascism. Bucky has been told twice in the series that he’s “free” and each were, in a sense, a bit true. Ayo tells him this when he’s free from mind control and that is a major move forward for him-- life-altering-- but he’s not free from the trauma of it. Dr. Raynor tells Bucky that he’s free now and can build whatever life he wants but we see on Bucky’s face how those statements for him, in those early episodes in New York, really are conflicting ones-- he is free from mind control but still imprisoned in his trauma and that is what is keeping him from making the life he wants. Over the course of TFATWS, alongside Sam’s journey to decide how he wants to feel about America as a Black man and what he feels he owes to the country and the country owes to him, is the story of Bucky having to build his own identity as well. The Falcon and The Winter Soldier is ultimately what these guys were-- the identities they still have at the beginning of the show. They’re going to end it Sam and Bucky, Captain America and the White Wolf. Bucky’s real sense of freedom only came when he realized he could trust himself to decide how he wanted to live, when he proved that to himself and took control over it. He’s still not completely fine-- no one really is, ever-- but he has a path now. Sam and Bucky have different identity conflicts but ultimately, at the core, their struggles with them and with what their country has asked of them and with how they want to live and what they want for themselves, is very similar and the core of a lot of why they understand one another well. 

It wouldn’t surprise me if we find out that Bucky stopped answering Sam’s texts when Sam suggested he come to Delacroix. Bucky knew about the boat when he got there, the same way that Sam knew about Bucky’s nightmares, so these two were talking a lot, they were friends on a verge of more but both knowing they each had too many struggles to overcome first and I think that Sam had to have been trying to reach out and accidentally went too far. It’s kind of like in the therapy session-- most of the time, Sam is amazing at dealing with people who have been through trauma but he sometimes falls off his game with Bucky. The whole “this is what you wanted, right?” in the therapy session is frustration, it’s pushing a little too hard, it’s snarking over feeling like Bucky rejected him romantically, even if Sam understands why and probably wasn’t convinced they were ready for it anyway. It’s possible that Sam thought inviting Bucky home with him would be good for him-- and the sun and the Wilsons would have been-- but, at the time, it just made Bucky panic, which is then also why Sam just rolls over the fact that Bucky hadn’t been returning his texts when they see one another again. Sam kept reaching out to check on him but accepted the non-response because he felt like he might have kind of pushed Bucky too fast. They both know they both have feelings for one another but are scared by how much the other has to get through to get to that point and feel ill-equipped to really help one another, often blunder in their attempts to (and other times, get it just right.) 

So, yeah. There’s still no shortage of conflicts to be dealt with but alongside Sam finding his path to living his truth in this modern world has been Bucky’s arc from daring to whisper about tiger photos to showing up to show off his prowess with heavy stuff and tools to win over his boyfriend in front of his family and hometown. It’s not subtext. It’s literally Bucky’s identity-themed character arc, existing in parallel to Sam’s. Just because they aren’t giving it a ton of labels does not mean that it isn’t the intent of the story.