#even if she somehow changes everything
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miss "people are so nice here" has aggressively refused to clean up after herself or anyone for years, doesn't say thank you at being helped whatsoever and has sworn at my parents at the slightest instance, appears to have the worst victim complex known to man and claimed she is being constantly guilt tripped to do anything; sis, it's supposed to be a goddamn fucking two way street here
#where be the self awareness sis#what about YOU#vent#rant#personal#man i was just trying to help her#and i get this shit in return???#the level of sympathy i extended to her#and the instance i try and be my authentic self#she behaves as if anything i ever did meant nothing to help her#and am i supposed to be fucking grateful here??#listen to her smear an entire fucking community as a cishet white girl???#i mean that's the impression i've got from her#even if she somehow changes everything#and cleans up her messes both figuratively and literally#and actually figures out she's the problem about people not wanting to associate with her#trying to contact her and reach out to her#will be a monumentus effort#it's been 2 and a half years#and i STILL cannot convince myself to just send a small text#she only talks to our mother#i'm losing my sister i can't lose her#she's been taken in by the worst people in a time of trauma#i'm so fucking angry and upset#why can't she just understand and get help???
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Post that has rerouted my brain
#this is legitimately so world changing for me because never before in my whole like 2 years of undyne obsession Ive really just stuck to-#-my own observations about her character. but OML.#after reading this. for the very first time ive had this absolutely mind crushing moment where someone else has made an insanely correct-#observation about her and her character and just all these little things that are lightly implied THAT I SOMEHOW DIDNT NOTICE BEFORE!!!!!!#AND WHEN I SAY THIS HAS CHANGED ME. THIS PERSON WHO POSTED THIS. THIS PERSON THEY ARE SO CORRECT OMG#AND I JUST#DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY CONNECTIONS THIS HAS JUST MADE IN MY MIND. THE SUDDENLY MAKING SENSE OF EVERYTHING THAT I AM EXPERIENCING.#YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW OH MY GOD#this isnt even just a ''im begging you to read this post i found its rlly good''#its a ''THIS POST I FOUND MAKES AN INCREDIBLY CORRECT POINT THAT I SOMEHOW NEVER MADE BEFORE AND MY BRAIN HAS BEEN CHANGED FOREVER NOW.''#THIS IS. THIS IS SO#its just really a lot to me to see someone who originally didn't really think much into undyne really#but there by making one small crucial observation here it has just blown my world of this character and just who she is etc etc efce ceecceg#i honestly cant even believe i never even picked up on this until literally just now while just searching undyne on google-#-because of how much i needed to see something new of her#AND DID I!!!!!!!!!#that is insane to me how did i never even see this this is changing my everything i am so in love with this post#undyne appreciation my absolute fucking beloved#undyne#undertale#undyne undertale#hdjdjdkskskaaass omgggg hdhdjdndnddn guyss you don't even know#this might not even seem like a lot but it has just opened up so much for me i promise I'll make it all make more sense one day trust me ily
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such is the tale of a ✨chronically online hypocrite✨
#(please forgive this old folk’s rambling for a hot min bc i need to get this off my chest somehow and in some way)#tl;dr: come and get into the hw idol series!!! we have ship discourse; more ship discourse; even more ship discourse#(yes ik people should be free to ship what they do b u t claiming a noncanon ship as canon and forcing it on everyone else is. not cool.)#yes yes friday’s mv was visually cute and ino.rin’s singing was peak b u t i feel like it has caused more harm than good in some way???#i cant b e l i e v e the jp hwtwt beef over friday’s mv is still going on mannnnnnnnn#no less than 3 separate people have made posts along the lines of#‘p l s stop using [official tags] to post about *[unnamed] non-official ships* p l s there’s a time and place for everything’#and n o n e of them even remotely run in the same circles yet they’re all banded together against a *certain* group lmfao never change hwtwt#lhy (esp yhy) shippers are always at the scene of the crime mannnnnnn#i cant see anything on their end of the naval battle (has every single lhy tag+account that i could think of blocked)#b u t it’s still really funny to witness on my twtdash against my will. i think i need to touch grass#‘kyhn isn’t canon either so why do you like it while being such a hater towards lhy—‘#great question!!!!!! it’s bc (disregarding the movie) they actually interact really well together~~~ like the honeypre event y k—#and also bc yukki treats hina really nicely all the time (even when she was being tsun and literally running from her feelings for him)#a n d hina loved him for who he truly was; even before his image change arc. and she also does her best to appeal to him and such~~~~~~~#but lhy. uh. they just bully hiyo 95% of the time and while they do look out for her bc they’re pals#they’re just pals. guys. and lxl have gone ‘uwu it must be u uwu’ to each other one too many times so shoehorning hiyo between them would.#be pretty weird ngl? esp since the ‘widely accepted’ portrayal of lhy as a trio is p much just hiyo x 2 dudes who dont even like each other#and. like. a branch of such portrayals usually seem to have aizo waft away from the ‘r/s triad’ to date mona instead which is. very weird.#some people just pick and choose aizo and mona interactions dont they. all they see is the umbrella scene and go ‘ah yes. canon’#they dont even read further to see how mona doesn’t even use the umbrella after aizo leaves (clear rejection)#a n d how aizo doesn’t even remember giving the umbrella to mona + mona’s entire existence in general after that#and that’s not even counting the grudge mona refuses to let go of even after what looks to be literal months#so for certain shippers to just casually shoo aizo out of the hiyoharem and into mona’s unwilling arms for the sake of yhy is. weird.#and like. shouldn’t he and yujiro have a say in this?? they’re more interested in each other than hiyo so just how are they being commonly#portrayed as hiyosimps in fanon? im so confused… like. wouldn’t they be equally obsessed with each other (as w/ hiyo) if they were a rstrio?#aaaaaa get this off my twtdash plsssssssss pls see this post twtapp pls let this affect your dumb algorithm im tired of the ship discourseee#as funny as the ‘lhy vs the world’ naval warfare is it’s getting. um. very annoying!!!! and now im missing nagisa more than ever s o b s#plsplsplsplsplsplsplsplspls influence the algorithm ragepost; ik big brother is 👀watching👀 so do your thing—#(pls feel free to duke it out with me too if y’all read this i need my birdsite algorithm to le a r n that i dont wanna see stuff like this)
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woww that was so awkward. we used to be best friends???
#we didn't get into a fight or anything even...it just happened. gradually we were moving apart and one day we couldn't recognise each other#i still wish the best for her though....im glad she's doing alr#but letting go of her was probably a good thing bc i don't feel as insecure about myself anymore#everything she had todo was so selfcentred and she pointed out even the tiniest of things about my appearance even tho she knewmy insecurit#we were a trio and now me and my other bsf are the only ones who stuck together.....im so grateful to have her in my life.#literally my fav person ever#also everything me and my bsf said she would make it about her and we reached our limits we confronted her#but nothing really changed except she was trying to be subtle about it and somehow slowly we stopped texting frequently#and it wasn't just about my appearance. she kept asking me if i made new friends when she knew i didn't and that i have social anxiety#and when i did manage to make friends she would ask qs and id be back to questioning my friendship w everyone i knew#i'll probably delete this later
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#idk how to tag this but it’s about my dad who i just went NC with bc he’s abusive and hasn’t changed#so if you don’t want to read keep scrolling i don’t care i just need to fucking do something#i’ve passed rage and now i’m just sad#and i feel bad about being sad bc i don’t want to be sad bc being sad SUCKS#i feel like i’m burdening my friends by telling them the shit my dad did to me#ik realistically im probably not but i just#only three people would truly understand the situation#my mom my sister and my childhood best friend#my sister is off limits bc i’m not putting her in the middle of this again#my mom was also abused by my dad and i don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad so i don’t feel like#i can always go to her about this shit#and i don’t want to take advantage of my best friend’s listening ear even though she is being supportive of me and everything#like i just feel guilty and i feel like im burdening others with my burden#i want it to all stop i just want to stop being sad#i want to stop feeling like im 7 year old me hiding in the pantry from my dad#i don’t want to go to work i don’t want to do anything really#and it’s not like i want to die i just want to stop feeling like this#i want to stop feeling like i somehow fucked everything up when it was my dad’s fault#ik i should book another therapy appointment but i can’t with the way my week is next week#and idk i’m just#im not having a good time#i’ve taken an ativan every night this week bc of all this#previous to this idk when the last time i took an ativan even was#and i’m not trying to read into it too much but its hard not to when ive gone literal months without taking it#and now i’m taking it every night so i don’t stay up half the night bc my brain won’t shut up
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To follow on from that last ask answer:
Lorenza’s succubus companion (screen left) compared to her initial form directly after the Flood of Darkness (centre) ..compared to her form directly before the Flood of Darkness (top)
And if you want to know the full story (Endwalker spoilers for the last picture, technically)..
This is (my in-game recreation of) her counterpart shard ^-^
(Cessair is apparently an Irish name meaning “sorrow” or “affliction”, so part of me is tempted to call her Thirteenth counterpart Tristezza, which means “sorrow” in Italian. But I’m not sure if I will go that far yet; my focus is moreso on Cessair herself. I have quite inexplicably gotten attached to her despite this encyclopaedia entry and Cait Sith’s dialogue during the Shadows of Mhach quests being just about the only information to exist regarding her. When Lorenza enters the Source in the main story, it is the third time she has done so. Appearing to Cessair in the Fifth Astral Era was the second! The first was to the Allagans.
How do I know Cessair had counterpart shards, you might ask? Because you can see her unsundered self in the game as well - next to Cait Sith, at that!)
(..You would not believe how much trouble I had to go through to unmask her and the others. But I got there in the end!)
Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this ^-^ I’m just having fun here, hehe
#I might change her hairstyle to look more like the actual wind-up doll#but I was trying to keep it consistent with her counterpart shard#the same is true of her eye colour because I somehow failed to notice the doll’s eyes are gold#heart of the void#selfshipping#sure#friend: mage of forbearance (cessair)#I kind of want to just keep everything for her under that one tag#even if it isn’t 100% correct#platonic F/Os#of shards and crystal (final fantasy)#maybe I should change that to “setting’’ instead#funnily enough despite the exact horns being available in-game it is very difficult to make a glamour that looks like the succubus outfit#I don’t exactly think of her as acting how they normally do in things but. let me know if I need to tag that outfit attempt nevertheless#I highly doubt I will really do much with it though. that’s half the reason she just exists as the doll /lh
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No One: @disneyfan50 : *still being the most amazing friend by sending all this stuff, some of which I did know and some of which I didn't know was coming* I'm always going to say this each time we do packages: thank you so much! Though uh, here's hoping if we ever do packages again, the parcel people don't demand custom clearance again...that was just an annoyance.
Bonus, this amazing drawing by @disneyfan50 of disneyfan50's and my wizard101 oc's from what we call our trio au:
From left to right: Cassandra NightHaven (belongs to me) being a baby dork with a dragon, Valerian WillowForge looking both confused and concerned about a skull he's found and Iridian ShadowWard being grumpy with another dragon (both ocs belonging to @disneyfan50 ).
#its kinda funny how in canon story cassandra kinda starts as baby but kinda going through shit changes her#while in au shes just baby through...even if uh she still has her own issues at times#but also the treasure box that gives lfts au reese vibes#now its just imagening her with that steampunk butterfly somehow lol#please excuse the...everything with my camera if images look weird#my camera is just not great rn#and lighting be a bitch...
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I wonder what ani and padmé would have been like as parents to Luke and Leia, and later grandparents to Ben. Like I don't have any great developed thoughts on that whole au concept I just do love the thought. Ben has so much impressive family, and a lot of uncles and aunts to look up to. If a lot of things had gone a lot differently, idk how, and padmé and ani got to grow older and stronger together, if Ben were to have his grandfather not only as a legend but as a person to hold him and tell him stories, I wonder what that would have been like.
#what if ben wants really badly to be a knight like his uncle is when hes young bc girls are gross or whatever and hes shy and awkward#so hes pretty sure hes never gonna be with anyone anyway#and then when hes almost 30 he meets rey and he has his oh moment#padmé was quite a bit older than anakin so it looks like ben will be more like his grandmother than he realized#rey actually is a nobody from nowhere bc duh#but despite her lack of etiquette training or politicking she fits in with princess leia like SO well and the fam loves her#especially when they start noticing the changes in ben... cripplingly shy and quiet ben is trying to woo rey and failing adorably#or so it seems. mostly because he doesnt come out and speak his intentions.. sure that a girl like her wouldnt actually want him#never mind that theyre dyads and they share a mind connection. he somehow finds a way to misinterpret her emotional responses#mostly because he has no measure for these things in his own life#but also.. neither does rey. and a lot of new stuff is happening in her life including suddenly having the force and a forcebond#with a prince of the galaxy of all people !! shes got some major imposter syndrome going on#oh maybe its also implied that she will be bens queen because of the forcebond from the time they find out so its SORT OF an arranged#marriage?? and she obviously senses his anxiety and trepidation and he clearly is willing to go through with it.. even trying to court her#but she thinks its better if they dont try bc the force may be saying they have to be together but she believes in making her own choices#and she actually thinks bens a nice guy and a good friend to have. but obviously she says this to him trying to make things better#tells him they should just be friends. she likes him and his family and is so grateful they accepted her but they should get to choose#so ben takes this with grace (lol) and he does agree to be her friend because its better than nothing right and everything about her is just#so captivating to him that he cant help but friendzone himself. but on the way to strengthening their bond and training together they grow#closer and the tension between them coils tightly. so rey TOLD ben they should have a choice and she doesn't want to go back on that#theyre still arranged to be married or perhaps they already are married but living separately. but still she doesnt want to make him think#shes fickle or ruin their friendship because she cant control herself. shes clearly confusing her feelings for his too (shes not)#and ben is majorly confused when he realizes that the affection he feels is returned at long last he doesnt know if he should confront her#or if he should be subtle about it. courting didnt seem to work last time but things are different now. he brings her gifts theres nothing#wrong with that. so he's picked up on gift giving but more personalized? and hes taking her on trips bc she wants to see different worlds#he already reads books about topics that interest her but now he gifts them to her or talks about those topics#and shes so determined to keep it to herself he realizes that he kisses her!! he feels so confident and assured in that moment. he knowswhat#he feels and he knows what she feels. theres no need to hold back any longer. he doesn't want to. ben takes her hand and goes before his#grandparents to ask for their blessing for marriage. everyone is pleased to finally be able to speak freely of them. ben and rey and both#overjoyed. theirs is the biggest most extravagant wedding in the galaxy. moreso than han and leias. everything is perfect
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ummmm
#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~#my favorite image on this device btw ^#cw negative#cw vent#you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than-#-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so#but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but#my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i-#-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something-#-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because-#-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles-#-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all#i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me#i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years-#-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and-#-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great-#-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do?#how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time?#i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though#so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun-#-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!!#how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol#everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit#i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden
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10,15 for the pride ask game
hey ty for the asks!!
10. Something that gives you gender euphoria (whether you're cis or trans): depends on whether i’m in a masculine mood or a feminine mood but for masc i have a sports bra that can act as a binder and if i wear that with an oversized tshirt and my designated ‘masc jeans’ i can look so androgynous imo. for femme i have my favourite dress <3
15. How has your identity changed over time? back when i was 14 i started to question my gender and i was sort of switching between bigender and using she/he and pangender and using she/they/he but one of my friends (who identified as nonbinary at the time!!!) was super bitchy about it – like she’d ask me my pronouns every single time she talked about me but she’d do it in a passive-aggressive ‘ugh what gender are you this time’ way, and it was very discouraging so i stopped questioning and just went with she/they/he even tho it didn’t feel right, and then eventually thought it was all internalised misogyny and went back to she/her. so it wasn’t until recently that i figured out my gender identity and i’m still pissed at that girl about it and she’s still passive-aggressive about my gender identity and uses they/them pronouns for me even tho i use she/he.
#she acted like bcs i’d changed my gender identity so many times it was somehow not valid#as if she hadn’t gone from cis to genderfluid to nonbinary to nonbinary but using she/her#and she does the same w my sexuality btw#she still has to ask me in every convo we have what my sexuality is even tho i’ve been out as bi for three fucking years#doesn’t respect my grey-asexuality even tho i helped her work through her sexuality and whether she was aro or not#and she would never have figured out her sexuality were it not for me being friends with her#sorry this has just turned into a rant about this one friend#BUT SHE REALLY ANNOYS ME AND THIS ISN’T EVEN EVERYTHING#AUGHH#pip squeaks
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i shld sleep oh my god
#🌙.rambles#i am somehow not rlly sleepy despite barely having sleep but my head does ache slightly. but just a few more stuff left in this week n#i'll properly rest for a bit ! bcs next week even though we're gna have a break ofc there's like.. prom n then that vacation right after T_#gna be fun but i'm. definitely gna be rlly tired. n.. nah i need to stop overthinking abt sm stuff#just. anxious that i might end up being too shy. usually in social events like that i realize i#end up pushing myself a bit too much n then it ends w me just putting on a strong facade#i'm worried too i think bcs two of my friends haven't.. reconciled yet? so. yeah it is possible i may have to deal w some stuff during prom#fuck. i'm just. worried abt a lot of things in general. but i'm mostly overthinking it. everything.#sigh in general i'm being too harsh on myself again. wtf maybe it's the sleep-deprivation or smth bcs ik i'll manage it all#i believe in myself n know i'm capable but. it's just.. overwhelming rn i think. n it. hurts bcs it's like before in a way..? n like my wol#i wonder. what we'd all do if we were hypothetically given the chance to be able to do whatever we wanted in a day n have whatever we want#without changing the reality we have now or yeah no consequences at all. just a lil day in an alternate world we could control#if you were to choose for yourself n only for yourself what would you do?#sob ig i relate w rinoa too bcs of that strong facade part. i wrote that for my wol too#but like even w all that in the end uh. every time i read these sort of stuff it comforts me deep down#bcs i remember back then when i rlly just had my family#that.. loneliness. i write abt it a lot huh. not that i'm exactly seeking for something. maybe before bcs i didn't talk w my friends anymor#but now i suppose it's just something painfully constant. but not really too#i can't.. put it into words rn n i'm low on sleep. but i rmb just daydreaming to myself back then of my wol's development though#from heavensward.. sorta hiding herself n having to be strong for others. though she so desperately just wants to let her guard down#n be free yk. a break from all her responsibilities n rest.. she's young after all. but while i do relate with that it's still#yk particularly w the context of my wol being yeah the warrior of light in ffxiv. but. i rmb writing of how then that was being strong for#her. n.. yeah she was healing from stuff then. that's hw. but in stormblood ooh i wrote here that she put her emotions to the side#bottled them. became more serious n i tied that w being a samurai main back in stb w duty stuff help this connects well but it's funny#hesitant in heavensward to trying to do things more on her own in stormblood to.. accepting it all in shadowbringers#shy/quiet was more in hw while being serious/calm was in stb. raghhh i rmb my notes well in 2021 but i'm so afraid to look at like#the stuff i wrote last year 💀 but. oh my this is embarrassing but i do like how i even just dump my thoughts. it's bittersweetly beautiful#maybe i'm trying to accept everything at once or yk putting too much pressure on myself to improve holistically.#like.. i want to write before i grow older than my fav charas yk? n then just think of lots of stuff too n.#be productive. study. n idk just more more more in general but i could be less harsh on myself. yeah
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She's always the first to say "It's not what you say, but how you say it" only to immediately chew us out over something that could've been a simple conversation
#bluey's mother#bluey's vents#bluey's life#bluey's unsure about posting this#bluey's rambling#god I hate that phrase#because it never means what it should mean#instead it turns into 'im going to tell you everything you did wrong without letting you speak your side'#'im going to tell you how i want you to behave and you don't get to say no'#'im not going to listen to your side but instead lecture you'#'i honestly don't care about what you said i just want an excuse to yell at you'#and my favourite 'im going to sit here and make you feel like absolute SHIT without realizing the irony of what im telling you'#because they never put their words nicely but somehow we're ALWAYS supposed to be nice with ours#fuck this#sometimes i wonder what would happen if i lashed out#'accidentally' scratched her or something#or even better use myself as my form of retaliation#would she finally change and try to make amends?#or would she blame me for it somehow?
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oh good lord what am i even doing
#why did i spend nearly an hour just editing the drawing to match the changes i originally asked for#and YEAH i'm right#it looks better even despite my shit editing#but she somehow managed to misinterpret everything i said#^ i understand there's a language barrier. but i sent a wholeass DRAWING of EXACTLY what i wanted#and she did it completely different. how do you misinterpret a drawing?????#but why did i spend this time editing it....it's not like i can give this to her and tell her to redo everything#it's especially rude to just draw over someone's art like that#i guess i'm just proving to myself that my vision is better#i don't have to accept what's here#what sucks is that it DOES look good. and if i don't wear my glasses the wrongness isn't prevalent and it looks downright gorgeous#it looks good it's just absolutely different#she's clearly got the skills....but everything got lost in translation#...though....how on earth does every tattoo artist render scales in that really ugly way??#^ it's like the exact same style as my mom's very botched snake tattoo. which brings me no comfort at all
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x
#You know what’s weird?#in a way I am more steady in myself than I have ever been. I see my worth rather than pretend I see my worth but actually don’t#I see where all my shit stems from in a way I never used to. I talk about it in a communicative way I was never able to before#like all of it is lining Up and somehow? I also feel worse?#I don’t know if it’s because I’m just more aware now and also more capable of changing my habits or whatever or if it’s just less repressed#but like. been having seasonal affective disorder since I was eight probably and even before but then you didn’t know#and I didn’t put the pieces together until. what. 2014? 2015? I didn’t know it had a name#and id always count it a good winter if I hadn’t disassociated at all. that was the goal.#now 2022 is over and the months where id disassociate are also over (it always gets easier for me come January)#and I made it through without disassociating! that’s a huge win right! right? but …..#and somehow it felt like? SUCH a rough winter? and I handled it well but everything feels so heavy#and I know it’s not worse than prior years. I do. but it doesn’t FEEL like that#perhaps that’s because of everhthing that happened in December and my falling out with my dad and my owning up to how deep my trauma runs#instead of passing it off as ‘haha yeah some things were rough and winter sucks BUT I AM SO CHIPPER AND GOOD AND UPBEAT HA!’#but honestly looking at it just. is a lot. and logistically I know I genuinely am the best version of myself currently#but 2014 me was funner thinner and wilder and she was also COMPLETELY unhinged and I know I shouldn’t want that version of me back#but I’m constantly comparing current me to her?????? as if she was the ultimate goal#I know when March comes and we’re back at the summer clock I’ll have forgotten how heavy I felt now#but whew…………….. whew it’s a lot#also completely being honest with yourself about jn how many areas your anxiety is Fucking debilitating sometimes#really sucks. it sucks. I feel so raw and vulnerable and I want to stop fixing things and just live#OH THAT TOO my roommate is Living It Up and I used to be able to keep up with her when we were in uni and now I can’t and that just#makes it feel even more like i regressed. I hate it. and again I Know myself now in a way I didn’t then and that’s worth so much#but ugh!!! ugh. and also I HATE that it feels like all I’ve done since November is complain but it’s been. Well. extraordinarily rough#I haven’t even told the internet any of it and even my friends know the minimum but. sigh. SIGH.#just sucks to see where your everything comes from. you know?
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Currently applying for disability rn because I have like, 6, and seriously can't work, but I want to be able to at least feed myself with the pittance that is disability 'benefits'.
It's been horrible. It's so hard. I have three different 'can't do paperwork' diseases, and yet this is a poorly-worded loop-de-loop of harsh redtape nonsense that requires original copies of things and everything done *exactly* to standard , on top of needing to prove to a non-disabled person that I'm suffering enough to need a tiny bit of help, and hoping that they're not a massive dick, because it's just one person I have to 'impress' through writing things correctly. Also there's a short time limit. And if I miss the time limit (given I haven't gotten a call back from my case worker; I will miss the time limit) my case is automatically rejected and then I have to wait months before I can try again.
All because, I guess, the government is scared that a handful of people will abuse the system and take precious hundreds of dollars that could have gone to the billions sent overseas to bomb children every year, instead.
I think that it's really important for people to realize that being disabled is traumatic. genuinely. your body and brain feel like they are breaking down and wrong. you are in constant heavy stress from stuff like chronic pain. most disabled people i know have a somewhat regular emotional break down from the trauma of it all. and we are expected to just smile through it by society, to not be in the way, to not be an issue.
#fuck this shhiiitttt#I hate how abled people never believe you#like when I had that crisis with the bitch that was getting on me for disabled at my old job#and all the employee resource people flipped on me as soon as they heard that I was autistic#I was so stressed; this was my sanctuary when I couldn't go home in my teen years; and now some person that everyone who actually worked#there hates is harrassing me and I'm trying to at least get transferred or even just *less hours with her because they put our schedules#together* and hr and eh turned on me and I got literally yelled at for trying to ask for options#that yeah. I literally felt like I was dying. I was passing out and couldnt eat or sleep for a week. cause my panic disorder and autism#were frayed to the breaking point#so I was forced to quit because yeah I literally would have died#and I couldn't do anything about it because I was too naive to have actually recorded those conversations :)#haven't seen the coworkers I like in years; my favorite died and I didn't even hear about it until months later#even though she was like a surrogate mom#oh and afterwards hr pulled very similar shit on another guy but he shot up the place and killed 11 folks#so I felt pretty guilty for having given up on trying to get something changed#they even fired someone for literally just saying 'hr failed here; we need to do better' during a meeting; they claimed that was somehow#her threatening to shoot up the place herself#(or; y'know; was going to rightfully criticize them)#anyway#shit's fucked#it hurts to not be normal; and it's easy to lose your entire support network when you trust too much who to tell you're disabled#my city#really fuckin sucks#this place is all old white blonde karens gentrifying everything like roman-pillar-loving-locusts#please help
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I’ve been teaching my sister how to play Genshin for some of the past hours today and I hope she quits bc now I feel really guilty about it I don’t want her to waste all her time on it and Im thinking abt why she even wanted to start the game and now I feel even more horrible bc of some reasons that I kinda feel guilty explaining
#dora daily#idk how to tell her maybe she should focus on other things and games#I don’t know I’m overthinking bc everything rn is such a mess and my heart hurt so bad earlier and I felt like throwing up and stuff idk#what to do#everything is somehow going worse and worse it feels like it’s snowballing out of control but it’s because why is everyone so mean to me#like all I have ever wanted is just to be seen but I’m always invisible to everyone and people OFTEN tell me they forget abt me so many#times that it’s more often they forget me than remember#why am I so forgettable and why do I get replaced like idk what’s wrong with me#what’s so horrible abt my personality I don’t understand like is it the way I think ? I think it’s the way I think#but I can’t change how my brain is wired or how it functions I just don’t know how to fix it#I swear I’ve tried everything for years and years I’ve spent since my very early years trying to find out what’s wrong with me and why#it’s so hard for ppl to like me I’ve tried to change everything it doesn’t work and only six months ago I found out why people don’t like me#just by trial and error#it’s my brain and the way I think it’s just all wrong idk how I’m meant to think but it’s not meant to be like this#my personality is all wrong my likes are all wrong my thinking and everything is all wrong and I’m stuck like this unless I somehow do#some surgery on my brain to fix how I think I’ll be like this forever#I wish I could just fold myself up into a little version of myself and just put it away to take up the least amount of space in this world#I’ll never belong in this world and I don’t want to be here anymore#shoot I can barely even see the text on my keyboard bc I just can’t stop crying#I always said my parents should’ve never gotten married they were never a match my mum should’ve gotten an abortion when she found out like#she never even liked my dad anyways#fuck how do I stop crying my mum is gonna be here soon and she’s gonna start laughing at me like she usually does when I tear up I’m#straight up bawling LOL imagine she sees that I’ll be made a mockery more than I already am this is so humiliating and pathetic. why do I#care sm now I’ve never wanted to be alive but now I’m so sad because I really don’t want to be here anymore but I don’t know what to do#my head hurts now maybe I should go to sleep maybe it’ll help me forget about this at least for a while longer#I’m just so sad I have to manually ask ppl to care about me I’m so tired I have to do this with everyone#I’m not even angry anymore I’m just so sad I’m sad that others get that care like it’s second nature but with me I have to ask and beg forit#oh ik if my mum sees I’ll just tell her I’ve been itching my eyes if she asks why they’re red LOL#It’s okay if nobodyll ever like me like I like them right ? I don’t have to get liked back as long as I give love to others right ? then I#won’t be useless like my mum says I am at least I can have a tiny bit of use even though my love means absolutely nothing I bet it’s okay iv
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