#even if its too hard keep on living
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starry-bi-sky · 4 days ago
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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theygender · 1 month ago
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My kitten has a new favorite teeny tiny mouse toy that we got at her first vet checkup and she loves it so much. We call it her mousey. She goes crazy over it and could play with it for hours, but sometimes she bats it somewhere she can't reach and we have to get it for her
Today she was getting into a bunch of stuff she shouldn't and I realized that I hadn't seen her playing with her mousey all day. So I asked out loud (rhetorically) "where's your mousey?" and started looking for it so I could give her that to play with instead. As soon as I said that though she walked over to a box of my gf's craft stuff and started pawing behind it, and when I moved it the mousey was right there
She knows the word mousey and she led me to her toy so I could get it for her 🥺 she's such a smart baby
#shes still running around with it shes so cute. i can hear her collar jingling even from the other room#shes only like 11 weeks old and shes already so smart!#it seems like she has a really strong hunting instinct too. i bet she would make an excellent mouser if we lived on a farm lol#this mouse toy is tiny compared to her other ones but its the most realistic looking#and while she does also love feather toys (until she pulls all the feathers out lol) this is her favorite toy by far#she also keeps like trying to attack drawings of bugs lol#my gf printed off some business cards with drawing of beetles on them for her cosplay stuff#and before she had finished cutting them out when they were still just laying on the floor#astrid went over there and just started smacking the heck out of them lol#like she was staring very intently at the beetle and smacking it HARD with precision over and over#she did the same thing with our otgw dvd case a few days later lol so i guess she thinks greg and wirt look like bugs?#anyway shes a very cute and smart baby#also very brave. our other two cats are scaredy babies and run and hide at the slightest provocation#lawnmowers for example are one thing that make them scared so if they hear one outside theyll run and hide#the first time astrid heard one tho she was just curious. she walked over to the window to try and figure out what the sound was#she was too tiny to jump up there on her own at that time so i picked her up so she could look outside#and she just watched it with curiosity. and now that shes big enough to jump up on her own she does the same thing lol#its so cool to see her unique personality evolving as she grows up. i love her so much#rambling
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future-island-egghead · 4 months ago
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Muse of Violence, Warrior of Science.
To the ordinary, everyday genius scientist-for-hire with a heart too big for her own good, we raise our sake cups.
You gave us food. You tried to protect us. You gave your life to ensure we'd all live on. Just lending a hand.
You knew it would end like this. We all knew it would end like this, and yet you still did it. And you did it to protect the friends you had made and the family you had left. And you did it all on your own terms, smiling all the way to the afterlife, knowing your will would be inherited by those you saved.
Clone or Machine or Satellite or Daughter. It matters not what you were. Because you went out like a true member of those who carry the will of D.
Thanks for everything, Atlas. For a satellite representing rage and violence, you had the biggest heart of any of them.
#egghead arc#chapter 1120#one piece spoilers#Vegapunk Atlas#Atlas is my favorite character in the series. I got into One Piece around the time Egghead started#and I just immediately fell in love with her character. Everything from being simultaneously a giant violent kaiju and a sweet young woman#to her endearing passion for her inventions (even more so than any of the other satellites) to her unwavering kindness toward the Straw Hat#simply because they liked what she had made and ate her food. A person so overwhelmingly and completely sincere it hurts.#Its not a stretch to say I resonated with her a lot throughout Egghead. Everything about her is 100%. Her passion and work ethic. Her rage.#Her happiness. Her protectiveness.#Her grief.#Atlas is a character that I fundamentally believe received one of the best death scenes of any one piece character.#But god it's so hard to say goodbye.#I would have loved to see how she would have reacted waking up on Elbaf and finally having the safety to mourn everyone she loves.#To see how she moves forward from this. To see her work furiously to keep the wills and memories of the people she loved alive.#But most importantly I think I just wanted to see her.. live. I just wanted that big ol' girl with a heart too big for her own good...#to make it to the end in one piece.#But what a sendoff. If she had to die.. I'm glad she got to die on her own terms. Helping everyone one last time and cracking a smile.#Humble as always.#I'm gonna miss her a lot.#punk.txt
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criscura · 5 months ago
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I want to get to the good part of this blastvoid thing I'm writing but i do NOT want to write the part before it and I'm procrastinating so fucking hard
Like i know what i want and it'll be satisfying but it's like the reverse of eating beef jerky, where this is the tough gross part you just need to swallow before getting to the fucking SPPIUCCE
#I'm writing their early days when blast first realizes a) fucking void is an option and b) he REALLY wants to#but it's in the middle of a one night stand with a woman#and I'm just......so uninterested in most straight stuff......like unless its genderfuckery with the characters cause that's cool#also hard because i really believe background characters should have their own lives so trying to write these OCs as likable and believable#without them taking to too much time#or at least if they do have them be fun enough that it's fine#and also having it be believable that they'll go about their business even after the story moves on from them#hard too to get into the head of a frat bro/fuckboy which is kinda how i see Blast#or rather it's hard to write him without making him either too soft or too gross#like the way i like and see women isn't necessarily the way a guy like that would and it's tough to figure out where the crossover is#so i can use it to make this whole thing more believable#i REALLY want it to be clear that blast and void do not have the kind of relationship that would be good for anyone else#and probably really isn't even good for them#but that requires a fair amount of build up to get it across the way I'd like#like blast is fixated on void and so hyper aware of everything he does that he's almost#but not quite#scared of him#and void knows what he's doing because blast is the Goldie Locks of candidates for someone to help him with the GOD stuff#and he D O E S N O T want him going anywhere so he's gonna keep him close using every trick in the book#but blast IS charismatic and he IS fun and he DOES make daily life a lot more pleasant#so he's uncomfortably attached too#but blast has zero fucking for clue about any of that other than he's aware of just **how little** he knows about void#IT'S A FUCKING LOT OF SUBTEXT TO GET ACROSS WITH A CHARACTER I'M STRUGGLING WITH#I'm going to do it but MAN#blastvoid
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m0e-ru · 27 days ago
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lets think of everyone who had persona blogs and obliterated them off the face of the earth instead of just archiving and keep them in our thoughts tonight. everyone else who directly caused them into doing that go and fucking behave
#kommento#// talking about people I admire or just knew and realized the majority of the persona ones completely blew up what related them to prsona#// some started from scratch or picking up off of anything salvageable and are now living a better online life only to be haunted by#// those who knew them before and would rather not be reminded and just lightly brush away those asking because they genuinely don't know#// the games aren't all that bad and their flaws are of different circumstances that can only be explained differently from one another#// but that one scrap of the community can just tear away at your soul taking something you love and made with love to become fuel for fire#// it's clear when you've been scarred and everyone handles those scars differently. if they show them valiantly or still hide them#// in any other case. stepping out of your bubble you made around you reminds you just how horrid everything you blocked out really is#// it's worse when it seeps into the cracks you couldn't patch and it comes back to make you rot until you deal with it#// I know how others would just get up and abandon their blogs or accounts and let them be archived#// but with this community I fear they do their best to wipe that entire footprint off of the face of the web as much as they can#// and these people were the smartest and sweetest ever and handled the characters they love with care and consideration and love#// to be caught in the middle of a war they didn't want to fight for their characters or opinions that the best option was just leave#// my complete and utter fear to never get to viral heights and if I did I'd try to keep my anonymity as much as possible because#// the tales have been told scare me so much I don't want to experience it#// its been too long I really shouldn't be a hater about this at this point but something got me to pinch my nose bridge really hard#// well whatever. I'm glad I've made this space for me and for all of you. whatever you see this place as. a gas station or what#// everyone of you here warms my heart even if you come and go. I'm just glad I know I touched people's hearts and circulated#// my love for something so silly around other people
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blluespirit · 9 months ago
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I sort of like the thought that Zuko and Aang take the Sun Warriors' warning not to tell anyone about the dragons a little more seriously… and they keep it between them. Of course, they trust Sokka, Toph and Katara. Of course they know they wouldn’t tell anyone, but now three people (including Iroh) know the truth about Ran and Shaw. And that’s three too many when you’re trying to keep a secret.
(and there are other people at the temple as well - like Haru, Teo and The Duke - who, while trustworthy, aren’t as close to them as the others, and when it comes to secrets with as much consequence as this one, you can’t afford to take any chances.)
Furthermore, the culture within the Fire Nation since Sozin’s rein has been warped. The culture is not to respect the dragons as the original firebenders, it’s to conquer and kill them. It’s the ultimate proof of your strength as a firebender. All it takes is one mistake before rumour spreads, and people go looking for the ultimate hunt. It’s not something Zuko or Aang can risk.
Whether Katara, Toph and Sokka (and Suki) ever find out the truth is up to you. But post-war, after Zuko returns from a strange, poorly explained trip with a dragon, and eventually develops the ability to use rainbow fire, either the others have some questions about Aang’s knowing look, or they are finally let in on a monumental secret.
#it’s a kids show so i think for that reason it was played for laughs about keeping the dragons a secret is not necessarily a bad choice...#the show does that sometimes where it says something off hand and then leaves me lying face down contemplating ✨the consequences✨ of that#but there are some… implications there about being too loose lipped with the truth in leading up to the end of and immediately post#war fire nation. just because zuko understands the spiritual significance of a dragon it does not mean the rest of his people will. actuall#its more likely that they'd reject zuko's opinion considering that he's basically coming into power and then telling everyone that#they've been lied to their whole lives. the fire nation is drowning in propaganda. for a lot of people this opinion of dragons and#firebending's true nature being violence and destruction is all they know. fire is LIFE but to most people that's an alien concept#and in terms of keeping secrets - it’s not even a matter of trust it’s a matter of too many people knowing#you might not even realised you’ve revealed some incredible information to someone who has the means to spread it or pursue it#so… i think zuko would be hyper aware of this. since he grew up hearing stories about the 'glory' of dragon hunting#and since iroh has also made a concerted effort to keep this information hidden i think it makes sense he’d be very hesitant to let it#get out to the public#aang would agree i think esp if zuko explained the importance of hiding them even from loved ones#ALSO random but it also makes me wonder what the fire nation said about roku in wake of the war#he had a dragon but he didn’t kill it. he didn’t ’conquer’ it#sozin would have had to work his ASS off to reframe history as him being the more… loyal(?) patriotic (?) of the two#did he frame it as roku didn’t have the courage to kill a dragon??? that he lacked the strength of a true firebender?#the avatar works hard but sozin's propaganda machine works harder 🧍‍♀️#zuko#aang#avatar the last airbender#zuko & aang#jack talks#sun warriors#book 3#what is it with me having a whole separate post in the tags 👁️👄👁️
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paragonrobits · 4 months ago
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thinking a lot about a premise where after the events of Psychonauts 2, years later, Raz winds up breaking off all contact with his family overall (barring his younger siblings, his older sister, his dad and Nona, and his younger siblings are a borderline case depending on whether or not they pick up their mother's passive aggressive and dislike of psychics like Raz's older brother) and the story idea is SPECIFICALLY Donatella, being grief-stuck at Raz completely cutting off all contact with her and much of the family after he was able to eventually become independent with the Psychonauts and is now a beloved icon and hero to the world famous for his advances in the use of psychic work to aid psychiatry and he very explicitly does not discuss her and acts as if she died when he was a kid
and the whole thing is basically about her having to very bluntly have to come to terms with the fact that if she hadn't been so cold to him or made him feel unwanted because of his powers, or his older brother learn from her example to become a vicious bully towards him (even by older brother standards), then maybe he wouldn't have fixated so hard on the idea of the Psychonauts as a place where felt he belonged and didn't feel like his very existence was shaming her
and its entirely her fault, and all her passive aggressive guilt trip actions in Psychonauts 2 made it worse and just made every moment around her, no matter how much he missed his mother, hurtful and he only felt better when he spoke to Helmut Fullbear who at this point was the first genuinely nice and accomodating voice he'd heard once the events with Maligula took off.
(He would be the first to admit much of that was his fault, but he still felt alone, and it was nice to feel such a kindly and welcome voice, like someone from a group he really belonged to, and that Donatella very specifically never made him felt like he belonged.)
And there's no magic fix. There's no tearful reconciliation, no heartfelt pleas that led to a happily ever after and the family reunions she wants. Decades of resentment, bitterness and childhood unhappiness that gradually turned into simmering hatred isn't something that can be taken back and she has to live with that; her second born son wants nothing to do with her and has written her completely out of his life, and will be quite happy if he dies without ever having to see her or speak with her ever again.
Also probably something like a line like "He stopped loving you a long time ago. After all, he thought you stopped loving him first."
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andragoras-in-vanity · 2 months ago
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MY BOY, he got started today, i have like 5 more sessions to do his wing and his body and then some colour but now that im not all red and swollen he looks amazing!! his name is Bartholmeo
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mishy-mashy · 1 year ago
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Julius is just a Hard Knock Life orphan on a path called Julius's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
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mejomonster · 1 year ago
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On a serious note, I do feel mysterious case lotusbook has a lot of sincere themes about getting older, realities of responsibility and dreams realized, how it's difficult to succeed and not always the direct path one expects, how there's value in little aspects of life. Almost every li lianhua scene seems to be about that to some degree. The murder cases aren't particularly deep as far as super complicated to figure out or Able to be predicted super well (since they don't always give all the details in the initial setup), but the themes about who was killed and why do connect to li lianhuas situation.
#mysterious lotus casebook#lb#by all this i mean: a lot of the positive things li lianhua AND di feisheng say are fairly good advice tbh#like a fei? hes like you need to be fair in your decisions for your actions to be worthwhile and earned#li lianhua: sometimes being the one taking all responsibility was bad for you and the people you led who felt burdened#by You taking the burden. and stepping back can be a respectable choice.#cooking is more difficult than fighting. keeping yourself alive is Hard and its the hardest thing we do#and its admirable even when youll never be a hero never be able to achieve what those around you might#your peers are worthwhile if they choose diffetently than you (qian wanmian isnt lesser for not choosing to lead a sect and instrad#dissolving it. di feisheng doesnt think li lianhua is no longef worth his time even though hes weaker now. li lianhua is still someonr he#wants to see alive see brlieve in himself see passionate about things. the monks think its never too late to#reconnect to people again. that people who love you will want you and accept you even when you fail.#even fang duobing by knowing li lianhua gets the experience of someone who wants him alive#and fondly smiles and Is proud of him. evrn if hes learning and fails and moody#fond of him in a way his family wasnt that strangers lied about due to his status#in a way that he clung to li xianyi for ALSO seeing value in him when he felt he didnt live up to expectstions of the world#its the Kindness of little moments of acceptance. of being kind to yourself and kind to others (even down to#not wantjng to kill suspects but take them to trial. not wanting scapegoats blamed. which arent usually done in wuxia)#its the fact this show is quite about gentleness and healing (i see the Love and Redemption screen writing ismilarities)#rather than about power struggles. do you know what i mean?
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kinnoth · 4 months ago
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If I see ONE MORE FUCKING PERSON be like "well I played and finished the dlc, but I'll wait to draw my conclusions about the lore until after the vaati video comes out"
FUCKING WHAT. It's not vaati's fucking lore! That man is just another fan, just like you! He is not your authority!!! Fucking dig up your own lore! All the information you need is there! Walk around the fucking game, open your eyeballs, and draw your own fucking conclusions!!!!!
I swear to fucking God you are all such cowards about "getting it wrong" that you are denying yourself half the fucking experience of the game by refusing to engage with the lore until someone tells you what to think about it.
Get your heads out of your asses!!!!!
#WHY ARE YOU ALL SO DESPERATE FOR AN AUTHORITY TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO OR THINK#WHY ARE YOU ALL SO AFRAID OF UNCERTAINTY THAT YOU WON'T EVEN VENTURE INTO HYPOTHESIS#its a fucking video game!!!!! it is fully safe and fully fictional!!!!!! there are no repercussions for guessing wrong!!!!!!!#everybody wants to claim they're a free thinker until they get an actual opportunity to freely think#god you are all such FUCKING COWARDS#more seriously: i know that this is the main division between a lot of the ''male'' fandom experience and the ''female'' fandom experience#where ''male'' fandoms want to maintain this strict hierarchy from the Word Of God and information that gets disseminated from the top down#it's part of the ''gatekeeping'' that a lot of people experience when trying to get into fandoms dominated by men#where they are asked to ''prove'' themselves to ''real fans'' by reciting a number of deep cut trivia and hard number-based stats#it's part of the impulse to keep an idea of ''order'' and ''purity'' within a fandom where everybody is on the same page about stuff#but ''female'' fandoms have been traditionally rampant with both personal and collaborative speculation#it's part of the contempt male fans have for female fandoms and part of the reason they sling around ''fanfiction'' as a derogatory term#what i can't stand is that all the ''lore-casters'' for fromsoft games get treated as if they were Word Of God#not to get too religiousy but its like fromsoft creates for us a world and then just leaves us in it#but instead of taking that absence as the gift it is we start propping up prophets who claim they can access god's words and intentions#and then instead of just living in and appreciating the world we were given we wait for our prophets to explain to us how we should live#fear of criticism makes you weak i want you all to fucking think about that#elden ring
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skunkes · 11 months ago
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pancakehouse · 2 years ago
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i just think they are always on the kitchen floor you know what i mean. like they’ve lived in this shoebox flat two months now but can’t be fucked to buy any furniture all they’ve got is a scratchy red sofa and some bookshelves and as a table they’re using a flipped-over cardboard box that’s got peeling tape and ‘records books other shit’ written on the side in blue marker it’s waterlogged and has mug rings on both sides and that’s all they have so they’re just sitting on the kitchen floor sleep-rumpled in pjs eating their toast in the morning and sitting on the kitchen floor in silence after moons and missions covered w dirt and blood and bruises and some nights they’re sitting on the kitchen floor passing a bottle of cheap liquor between them and they’re laughing and listening to records and sharing a joint and the window is open w a breeze coming through and also sometimes they’re sitting on the kitchen floor eating cereal in the middle of the night w their knees touching sneaking little glances at each other and other times they are fucking on that kitchen floor and other other times they are just quietly saying i love you. on the kitchen floor.
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atomiclace · 4 months ago
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who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)
#dont get your toddler army to do your anon hate and unblock me on discord if u want to talk#ik you act like a baby and thats fine but if youre bold enough to try to get me paranoid (and fail) then u should be bold enough to dm me#yknow without hiding yourself#either do that or leave us alone girl!! move on#like why do you preach about moving on to a new era and then actively seek out trouble ????#get a job or something#trying to make me think my bf is cheating on me is such a weird thing to do and a big low for you spinny. it's actually sad#the worst part youre not even good at doing it. youre making shit up from what you THINK you know & hiding behind ur friend#its okay to fall out of friendships and im not even trying to meddle with your life but you are literally actively seeking out problems#and thats so pathetic. especially when you paint yourself all high and might over us ??? clearly we tried everything for you#until we got to a point where we were literally drowning because we have other shit in our lives too#you keep losing friends and complain about it. maybe consider why??? because of lack of communication and empathy!! youre just mean!#especially to those who've always tried so hard to have your back and defend you! (buka and me!!!)#yet you didnt care. you dont communicate and expect us to read minds & you demand things#and u say that a real friend should know when to reach out & ya but when it gets to a point where i feel like im drowning? no thanks#im prioritizing myself and my mental health im sorry#not to mention i was ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE IN YOUR BULLSHIT#so grow up. actually. and if you wanna dm me then unblock me and we can talk#if you want to keep hiding behind your toddler friends acting like youre all small and sweet and babies then go ahead but leave us alone?#at least ill have closure and finally come to terms that you're not rlly a good person and u use your illnesses to excuse ur behavior#because i still think about you and wish you were our friend but after everything thats happened (this being the cherry on top for ME)#then maybe you really just are a shitty person and you do more harm than good#soz to everyone else reading this just continue scrolling LOL#its drama cus an ex friend is sending their toddler militia on me for some reason???#delete later
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btwn2lungs · 1 year ago
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142 days later and I am STILL thinking about:
"Those who shine brightest require the aid of the deepest darkness."
Irreversible damage was done to me that day. It's crazy because Shigeki has NO idea the implications that statement has.
The minute Shigeki mentions Kazuki's name, Rei is so quick to remove him from the situation. He situates any and all failures as solely his own and tries to separate Kazuki from the himself as much as possible. I think he tries to separate himself from Kazuki even more so after the incident with his mentor because the events of the night confirm that Kazuki is something Rei is not and that is a good person.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months ago
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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