#or not even just stupid. like. i’ll give yah the benefit of the doubt and assume its a language thing? but also like.

[snazum]

i dont understand how u can fuck up misgendering me when my name is literatlly noah. like. how. do i need to change it back to adam?

idk how it can make it more obvious. (i live and exist as stealth trans. sort of? I don’t really talk bout being trans, but I’m open bout it when it comes up. Or i trust u. I can read vibes)

[hindunrisni]

I might be a covidiot because im always in doubt.

I need to write before my brain collapsed to this unstructurized overthinking.

Ragu buat nulis ini tp tulisan aku ga mungkin viral juga so i'll write what inside this brain anyway.

Covid sudah hampir 2 tahun.

Generally di awal, terbagi dua kubu. Percaya covid dan tidak percaya covid. Yang tidak percaya covid dianggap mabuk konspirasi. Then it developed, i guess? Tidak percaya covid mungkin terlalu ekstrem sehingga berubah menjadi kelompok orang2 yang percaya covid memang ada, tapi tidak semenyeramkan itu, tidak seberbahaya itu, just a usual flu, so menurut mereka: "santuy ajaa"

Which one is me?

I'm not gonna tell. But my brain is getting overwhelmed recently. I do believe in science. Aku lulusan farmasi, mantan apoteker klinis di RS, dan sekarang magister candidate farmasi klinis di salah satu univ di indonesia. I am doing research. I am fully aware that we need and will always need science. Kalau di kurva Dunning Krugger, I either still stupid and not confidence or a bit smart but not confidence. Either way i am not smart and confidence enough to tell things to people. Just to give disclaimer that i am just nobody.

Buat aku, dunia saat ini seperti sedang menjalani clinical trials. Di awal pandemi, seorang profesor di RS terkenal bilang "covid ini masih banyak yang harus diteliti, masih ongoing, jd kita kasi apa aja obat yang ada". Oh yes of course, itu pasti suatu keniscayaan ketika penyakit-baru muncul. Bukti2 ilmiah masih terbatas so trial and errors will be one way. Bless the patients. Now its been almost 2 years. Riset tentang covid luar biasa banyaaaakk sekali. Yah siapa yang tidak tertarik dengan pandemi? Akan ada banyak orang2 yang berbaik hati mencari solusi keluar dr pandemi dan akan ada oknum yang memanfaatkan momen untuk hal-hal tertentu tanpa berniat menyelesaikan pandemi.

Aku bukan penggila konspirasi. Tapi aku selalu terbuka dengan berbagai kemungkinan. Kadang kita gabisa netral dan cukup strategis dalam menghadapi pandemi ini karena alur informasi yang begitu cepat, polarisasi pendapat, opini2 yang berseliweran dan dengan mudahnya mengarahkan kita pada satu keyakinan. What expose us more, build us more. Pendapat2 dengan bias pengalaman pribadi, sahabat baik nakes, sahabat baik intel, dan semuanya. Kadang buat kita tidak bisa membaca situasi dengan objektif.

Scepticism is sometimes needed, no? Or maybe i got some trust issues. Aku masih anak bawang dalam riset tapi aku tau beberapa bias yang terjadi dalam riset klinis, beberapa hal yang dapat memengaruhi hasil riset. So, when a statement about covid comes out, aku sering berusaha untuk baca risetnya sendiri, melakuan appraisal dari mulai kualitas jurnalnya, desain dan metode, penarikan kesimpulan, conflict of interest (walau kadang ga ditulis padahal ada), sampai funding. We can not only read abstract since it doesnt give us that much. Sometimes author just put what interesting or what they want the result to be to make the abstract attractive, no?

But i dont always do that. Often, i simply too lazy. This is what we call as a lazy perfectionist, its suffering. You keep thinking about that but you do nothing. That sucks.

Anyhow.

There are some concerns and/or questions pop up in my head that ive been trying to answer despite my laziness.

How dangerous covid is? The prevalence is high, yes. The transmission is high, mainly the delta varian. Yet the severity are classified. Otg, ringan, sedang, berat. Seberapa infeksius masing2 derajat? Theres one research say asymptomatic patients gives 1/5 transmission, which makes sense. Otg tidak bersin dan batuk2, kemungkinan virus keluar dari tubuh sedikit. Viral load pada otg mungkin jg sedikit. Tapi apakah ketika menularkan, org yang ditularkan kemudian sakit parah atau otg juga? Kemungkinan tergantung kondisi orang tersebut, banyak faktor dari mulai usia, komorbid, dan gaya hidup. Walau kemungkinan penularan otg cuma 1/5, mau main2 dengan kemungkinan? I cannot say things like that without evidence i know but some of these are just logic.

But how if we compare it to other infections just like 'conspiracies people' ask. So far, orang2 yang menjawab pertanyaan itu berkata "buat kamu statistik itu angka, tp buat keluarga korban, itu nyawa". To me, orang2 yang bertanya demikian bukan berarti tidak berempati dengan korban. Beberapa dr mereka juga ingin keluar dari pandemi dan mungkin, mungkin, mungkin, mencoba mencari solusi 'lain'. Bagaimana kalau ternyata orang2 otg dalam jumlah besar ini magnitude dan efek penularannya sama seperti infeksi lain yang tidak fatal, mungkin pendekatan solusinya akan berbeda. "Tapi covid ini obatnya belum ada, infeksi lain sudah ada". Now my questions shift. How covid affect a person with pure covid and a person with comorbids (say with hypertention diabetes, asmatic, and all)? Does the infection worsen the conditions that much? How risk benefit analysis is done toward these comorbids and polypharmacy patients since drugs themselves also not fully safe? As a clinical pharmacist, i learn adverse drug reactions and drug interaction theoritically. Am i scared to drug? Often, yes. Because drug interations are hard to analyze in clinical settings. I believe doctors will use their expertise experience rather than theory. So yes i am scared because nothing is absolute. The reason I still keep my prokes and dont want to get infected is because i dont want to consume the drugs. In these ongoing drug trials everywhere, nothing I can trust 100% haha. And yes, aku panik sama orang tua yang sering keluyuran. Mereka komorbid. Kalau infected, sudah pasti aku akan pusing mengambil keputusan.

Pikiran2 ini mungkin muncul karena aku gerah dengan keadaan. Mungkin jg krn orang2 sekitar aku rata2 otg dan gejala ringan, so yes tulisan ini jg bias. But please never pray for me to have a relative that got severe sick due to covid just to make me believe 100%. Please no. Aku percaya covid and i dont wanna get infected.

Well anyway, aku gerah dengan keadaan. Indonesia ga seperti Singapura atau New Zealand yang, mau covid itu bahaya atau ngga, fasilitas dan sdm mereka mumpuni, penduduk mereka sedikit, it will more controllable. Sedangkan Indonesia, aku lelah baca berita yang bilang IGD dimana2 penuh. BOR 90% terisi. Nakes, otg atau bukan, ya harus isolasi. Bagaimana kalau ternyata otg dan derajat ringan tidak seberbahaya itu? Otg msh bisa kerja dan sedikit memulihkan kekacauan di rumah sakit. Nakes2 jadi ga burnout.

Penundaan operasi karena covid. Bagaimana kalau ternyata efek covid ke penyakit lebih kecil daripada penundaan operasi? Efek penularan covid ke nakes lebih kecil daripada risiko meninggalnya pasien jika tidak operasi? Akhirnya pasien meninggal bukan karena covidnya, tp karena penundaan operasi untuk penyakit lain yg dia punya.

Bagaimana dg org2 yg ekonomi lemah? Risiko covid dan risiko mereka kelaparan karena lockdown lebih besar mana?

Di awal pandemi, org2 yg ga boleh keluar adalah org2 dengan komorbid. Tetapi kemudian berkembang menjadi semua orang. Setauku, sesuatu dikatakan pandemi ketika transmisinya besar, tidak terlalu dilihat dari magnitude dan dampak gejala/penyakitnya. I mean, can we be more detail toward degree of severity and its effect? Memang sudah diberlakukan di beberapa hal, seperti yg sakit sedang-berat ke RS, yg otg ringan isoman di rumah. But, can we be even more detail and deepeer about this? Riset2 yg ada juga byk yg mendata overall inhospital mortality, artinya data kematian tidak dipisahkan antara penyebab primer dan sekunder. And again, how risk benefit analysis is done toward comorbid and polypharmacy patients? Safety obat kadang dianaktirikan. Overtreatment sometimes chosen to avoid covid kill the patients. Well, drugs can kill patients too. This is why dokter/nakes smart memang dibutuhkan. Dengan segala ongoing research selama pandemi, apalagi muncul mutasi begini, jangan sampai keputusan2 yang ada tidak berdasar analisis risiko-manfaat yang tepat.

So, i need to know more about poor outcome in symptomatic and asymptomatic covid adjusted to every concurrent drugs and medical conditions and adjusted to availibility of isolation room and resources and adjusted to everything lol. How infectious asymptomatic covid is and should we worry about it compare to any other disease. QoL symptomatic covid 19 patients compare to other infectious disease. how is association between happy hypoxia and covid, severity, outcomes, should we worry. What are the updates treatment now and why and how and are they safe and effective? How urgent vaccines are (in deeper analysis) - i already got my vaccination schedule, dont worry. And the biggest questions since mutations are the devil now, every W-H questions about mutations are stuck in my brain now. This is only clinical questions, there are way more abundant.

Kalo aku di singapura mungkin aku ga perlu mikir beginian. Dengan kemewahan2 yang mereka punya, indeks korupsi yang kecil, SDM yang mumpuni, penduduk yang sedikit, bahaya atau tidaknya covid mungkin ga pernah akan aku pikirkan regardless my scepticism toward research. Dampak sosial dari pandemi ini bukan main, kan.

So well, sebetulnya masih banyak di kepala, dan susah banget rasanya membuat semua ini terstruktur dan tersambung-sambung dengan baik. Pada akhirnya, dengan segala skeptisisme dan keterbatasan riset, aku memilih untuk mengikuti instruksi otoritas dan ahli. Kenapa? Because i know i am not smart, masih anak bawang yang banyak gataunya. Masih males baca riset. Dan gampang overwhelmed sm tsunami informasi. Dan mutasi. Ergh. Berasa harus baca riset2 covid dari awal. There are a lot of things i need to learn. Semoga Allah selalu memberi petunjuk dalam setiap pengambilan keputusan. Aamiin

[cherry-interlude]

Lifestyle - Rich Gang Lyric Breakdown

This is requested by @shazapaza

London On Da Track bitch Rich Homie, Thugga Thugga in this mothafucka' Rich Homie, Thugga Thugga in this mothafucka' Rich Gang, Thugga Thugga baby Got like 4 ounces in a 20, bitch I'm blessed

I've done did a lot of shit just to live this here lifestyle

We came straight from the bottom to the top, my lifestyle

The singers on this track all have come from backgrounds that are quite poor, but now they have made themselves rich; “my lifestyle” indicates that this type of lifestyle is something he owns, hence the possessive “my” and no one can do it the way he does

N***a livin' life like a beginner and this is only beginnin'

Young Thug, despite the great success he already has, feels like it’s only just the beginning and he will gain even more success

I'm on the top of the mountain, puffin' on clouds and n****s still beginnin'

Young Thug metaphorically is “on top of the mountain”, so he is above most people in terms of success and status; “puffin’ on clouds” is a reference to drugs, yet they are “clouds” because of “the mountain” that is his success; “n****s still beginnin’” shows how he feels other people trying to get into the rap game don’t match him in terms of career

Million 5 on the Visa card

Young Thug has five million dollars on his Visa card, so he is incredibly rich

Hundred bands still look like the fuckin' Titans (football player)

“Hundred bands” references to one hundred thousand dollars

N***a servin' great white like I'm feedin' sharks

Young Thug has the best cocaine (which is “white”); there is a type of shark called “great white”

I won't do nothin' with the bitch, she can't even get me hard

Somethin' wrong with the pussy Even though I ain't gon' hit it, I'ma still make sure that she douche it

Young Thug has no sexual interest in this “bitch”, and goes on to doubt her hygiene (as he has stated there’s “somethin’ wrong with the pussy”)

Me and my woadie, we don't get caught up like that, no way

“Woadie” refers to someone who lived in the wards of New Orleans; Young Thug is saying he “don’t get caught up” by the diseases this “bitch” may be carrying; he keeps himself clean and won’t go for anyone who isn’t up to basic standards

We ain't got time to go see doctors, J

Young Thug doesn’t have the time to get himself sorted for diseases as he’s too busy making the money; “J” references Dr J (Julius Erving)

(Who said money?)

Reference to J-Money, and questioning who is referencing this J when the actual J he references on the previous line is Dr J

Hop up in my bed full of forty bitches and yawnin'

Young Thug has “forty bitches”, so many women who he has spent his time with; he is “yawnin’” from his lifestyle of rapping or because he has been with these “bitches”

Hey, think this a show bitch, I'm performin'

He is “perfomin’” for these women like a “show”, which indicates how good he is sexually

I do this shit for my daughters and all my sons, bitch

Young Thug is “performin’” (his music) for his children and family, so he is earning all the money for them in the future to give them an ideal life

I'm a run up them bands, I'll take care their funds, bitch I got a moms, bitch, she got a moms, bitch I got sisters and brothers to feed

Young Thug goes into how he is not only saving for his future family but also for his family, so he can take care of them

I ain't goin' out like no idiot, I'm a OG

Young Thug isn’t stupid and he understands that life isn’t just about the celebrity lifestyle, but instead there are responsibilities to look after your family and make sure they have what they need; he feels he is an “OG” because he is being smart about his money rather than wasting it

CHORUS

Still screamin' "Fuck the otherside"

Young Thug still has his enemies despite his change in fortune, so he dislikes those who are on the “other side” (opposing him)

I'ma ride for my n**** a, aye (Quan voice)

And I'ma die for my n****, aye (Quan voice)

Young Thug is referencing My N**** by YG

Ain't gonna be latching on my n****s aye

Young Thug is loyal to his friends and wouldn’t shoot at them, as “latching” refers to the latch of a gun

N****s couldn't see me if they had a Genie

Since he is “on top of the mountain”, nobody could “see” him (or get to his status) even if they had a Genie lift

I'ma live my life like Bennie, R.I.P. my brother Bennie

Young Thug’s brother Bennie was shot nearly twenty years ago; he wants to be like him because he respected him and wants Bennie to live on through him by doing the right thing and making enough money to support himself and his family

I stack them racks to the ceiling, now these n****s can't beat me

Young Thug is making so much money it literally touches the ceiling and no one else can be as rich as he is

I just might wake wantin' Chanel and these bitches can't see me

Young Thug can buy Chanel if he wants to one morning because he has enough to buy anything he wants

I'm in a whole other league I ain't got AIDS but I swear to God I would bleed 'til I D.I.E

AIDS is contracted through blood; “blood” is a term used by people who are part of the West Coast streetgang Blood, so Young Thug may be referencing this

28 floors up I feel like I could F.L.Y.E.E

Young Thug lives so high up (since he has so much money) he literally feels he could fly (which could also reference his elation)

Pee on top of these bitches

Young Thug is referencing R Kelly’s song I Believe I Can Fly, and his scandal over urinating on a minor; this reference could also be his way of saying he is asserting his dominance over the “bitches” (the “beginners” he is up against)

God told me they can never stop me so they ain't gon' stop me

Young Thug has belief in God and higher power, and if God told him he is unstoppable he trusts that and believes no one will be able to stop him

(I'm in that Corvette with baby mommy gettin' sloppy toppy)

Young Thug is having sex with his “baby mommy” in a Corvette

I'm bleedin' red like a devil, I see these bitches plotting

The devil is usually described as being the colour red, so he is ‘bleeding’ just as red as that; this shows how much of a blood he is; Young Thug knows “bitches” are “plotting” to get his money and be disloyal to him

They wanna know how I got M's and I didn't finish college

Young Thug is aware many of these people want to know how he made so many “M’s”, which are millions, and how he managed to do it without going through the educational system; this shows how they may be “plotting” to copy him to get as rich as him, so are using him for their own gain, or are just interested in getting money off him directly

CHORUS

I do it for my daddy, I do it for my mama

Rich Homie Quan has a lot of respect for his family and makes the money for them

Them long nights, I swear to God I do it for the come up

Quan has been working hard “them long nights” so he can make money and get even more successful, which is “the come up”

I'm Willie B beating on my chest, in the jungle, aye

This is a reference to the gorilla Willie B, which Quan is acting like by “beating” on his chest which is a signal to warn back attackers

Money on money, I got commas in every bank

Quan has “money on money”, which is money on top of the money he already has (excessive amounts); the “commas” show how long the numbers are, and how many millions he has; “every” bank indicates he has more than one, so he has multiple millions in different accounts

Sunday through Monday I've been grindin' with no sleep

Quan works hard to make a living rather than making easy money

Talkin' 'bout takin' somethin' from me, like no way

Quan won’t let anyone take “somethin’” from him because he is protective over what is his, whether it be material or even his family

Thugger Thugger, that's my brother, brother

Quan and Thugger Thugger regard one another as family, so they have a lot of loyalty and love to one another

You don't want no trouble trouble or you can get these fists, knuckle, knuckle

Quan is warning people back from starting “trouble” as he is prepared to fight them; by saying “you don’t want no trouble” he is giving them more of a warning and thinking that for their own good they had better not cause trouble, rather than “I don’t want no trouble” which would indicate he is weaker or afraid

Buckle up like a seatbelt or I'll shoot yah

Quan is telling them to keep a gun on them to protect themselves, or he will shoot first; seatbelts are used to keep people safe so he is saying use a gun to save your life

Punchin' on the gas, too fast, and I lose yah

Quan is so ahead of the game he is, like a speeding car, going “too fast”, yet he is in control as he is the one “punchin’ on the gas”; his competitors fall behind because he is going so far ahead

Give me a bed, and I'll do her, I want her head, Medusa

Quan just needs a bed and he’ll “do” the lady he is talking about; by wanting “her head” he is referring to oral; “Medusa” is in Greek mythology of being able to turn people to stone by looking at them, so perhaps she has something in her look

I swear a n**** gone cause this strong I'm blowin' super

Quan references drugs by “blowin’ super” and how strong it is

Grindin' for a new day

Quan is working hard so he’s making sure what he does will benefit him in the days that will follow

I'm skatin', like that n**** Lupe

Lupe is a skateboarder, which Quan is “grindin’” like

Aye, I'm on the top just like toupee

Aye, I'm in her mouth just like toothpaste CHORUS Sitting in the middle of this ocean, Pacific that is You understand me? Bunch of bad bitches, ya heard?

Birdman is on a yacht in the Pacific, and has so much money he can afford it as well as the “bad bitches”

Popping that GTV, living that lifestyle, ya heard?

Birdman references Grand Touring Vodka; he says “you understand me?” and “ya heard?” to make sure everyone understands he has that amount of money and he’s doing well

I do this for Ms. Gladys, boy - 100

Mrs Gladys is Birdman’s mother who passed away, so he works hard to make her proud and it’s not just for the material gain

I like requests

[supersaiyum]

holy jeezus tuna no crust this is a lot of questions

@ukihyunnie @monstax-trash-valora i hate you for subjecting me to so many questions but i don’t hate you because friends ^_^

i guess the 40′s don’t matter

p.s there’s a picture of my dumb cat somewhere down there

it’s all broken up and gross looking I’M SORRY

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents?

-My momma is all i got and i don’t know where i’d be without her. probably starving or dead (i called her last night to ask how long you cook chicken for)

2. who did you last say “i love you” to? -”i love you, stupid” ~ me to my cat every day, 2k17

3. do you regret anything? -dramaically stares out my wndow-

4. are you insecure? -OH SWEET BABY JESUS YES FIGHT ME

5. what’s your relationship status? -have you ever seen a crumpled up dollar bill on the ground and you wanted to pick it up but just left it instead?.......yah me neither.....

6. how do you want to die? -IN ALL MY GLORY

7. what did you last eat? -Monsta X’s albums THEY’RE FULL OF NUTRIENTS AND LOVE

8. played any sports? -does league of legends count? 

9. do you bite your nails? -GROSS NO Y’ALL ARE GROSS (jk don’t hate me)

10. when was your last physical fight? -i kicked a butterfly yesterday...?(ON ACCIDENT)

11. do you like someone?

-I’ll never tell

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours? -32 was the most i’ve stayed up I DO NOT RECOMMEND DRIVING UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES

13. do you hate anyone at the moment?

-goddamn lee minhyuk for being the actual definition of duality of man -cry-

14. do you miss someone? -what is this ‘miss’ emotion you speak of

15. have any pets?

my dumb cat

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?

-well i’m awake so............

17. ever made out in the bathroom? -we’re not gonna talk about it

18. are you scared of spiders?

-i think they’re cute

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance? -probably not why would i do that to myself

20. where was the last place you snogged someone? -oh jeez i don’t even know

21. what are your plans for this weekend?

-my soul belongs to my job send help

22. do you want to have kids? how many?

-oh god no why (no offense to spawn bearers) actually it depends on very situational circumstances

23. do you have piercings? how many? -only 4, my ears are stretched and I have a 2nd piercing on each ear

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)?

-art for sure I CAN MAKE THE PRETTY PICTURES

25. do you miss anyone from your past?

-i had this plushie that i really liked and now i can’t find it........

26. what are you craving right now?

-a nap

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

-i walk down the street and break hearts every day AAAAAAAYYYYYEEEEE

28. have you ever been cheated on?

-OH MY GOD YES FIGHT ME

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

-not to my knowledge 

30. what’s irritating you right now?

-the fact that i’m not even halfway done with this thing

31. does somebody love you?

-my mom thinks i’m cool

32. what is your favourite color? -ORANGE

33. do you have trust issues?

-not really, i find myself incredibly lucky even though i’ve been fucked over so much i still give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I’m not gonna go spilling my deepest darkest secrets but i’ll rely on people pretty easily

34. who/what was your last dream about?

-JUNGKOOK YOU LIL ASDFGH long story short i saw him riding a sweet street bike at my college and he followed me home and we had a cute little movie/snuggle/flirty thing is was so cute he slays me even though he’s “impenetrable”

35. who was the last person you cried in front of?

-i don’t even know the last time i cried i’m so heartless

36. do you give out second chances too easily? -OH MY GOD YES FIGHT ME

37. is it easier to forgive or forget?

-or

38. is this year the best year of your life?

-can’t really complain but i’m not interesting so i haven’t really done anything exceptional

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss?

-LAWL 18?19? 

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked?

-there is no amount of alcohol in the world

51. favourite food?

-anything with chicken or cheese(rip my digestive system)

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

-daefinitely

53. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

-checked tumbr cuz i love all my lil tumblies

54. is cheating ever okay?

-LEL why is this a question

55. are you mean?

-OH MY GOD I’M SUCH AN ASSHOLE FIGHT ME

56. how many people have you fist fought?

-i lack the arm strength so i tend to avoid confrontation but i’ll beat you up WITH THESE LEGSSSS AYYEE

57. do you believe in true love?

-eh sure why not next question

58. favourite weather?

-snow me the fuck in

59. do you like the snow?

-I REPEAT...SNOW ME THE FUCK IN

60. do you wanna get married?

-that’s a cute idea

61. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

-OH GOD no i hate any word that has 2 b’s surrounding a vowel it drives me insane 

62. what makes you happy?

-small dumb things that any other grown adult would scoff at

63. would you change your name?

-i like Sam, Samantha is too proper/formal for me but also my mom used it a lot when i was little when i got in trouble so maybe i just have like ptsd or whatever

64. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

-i don’t think so

65. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

-ask him why and then slap him

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? -for some reason people like me

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

-my brother asked me to change his tire because he’s hopeless

68. who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? - @dinojaeee​ can our conversation about SF9 last night count? lmfao that’s about as deep as i’ll get right now

69. do you believe in soulmates?

-JAEBUM AND I HAVE CUTE EYE MOLES WE’RE SOULMATES YOU BEST BELIEVE

70. is there anyone you would die for? -the entirety of Monsta X (THERE’S THE CHEESE. I FOUND IT)