#even if it doesnt live up to my or others expectations
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Caked up Male!Reader getting hit on and felt up by his classmates at Jujutsu High.
π©ππ’π«π’π§π : 2nd yrs and 1st yrs x m!reader (w a FATTIE)
κ°ΰ¦ ΰ»κ± : zhellas bby.. ur reqs have my SOUL on a leash π
ΛβΒ· ΝΝΝΝβ³β₯ : m! reader w a big ol booty , (kindve??) oblivious reader , free-use reader , these students got NOO SHAME ππ½βΌοΈ , booty grabbing , booty slapping , groping (basically) , nsfw jokes abt the reader, i HATE panda so dont expect him to be here
YUUJI - β¦
y'all know yuuji aint the type of guy to let a perfectly good ass untouched, hes a literal FIEN for ts. so it wasnt a total surprise whenever yuuji was around his hand would sometimes (if not always) near y/n's voluptuous ass. his hand on one cheek gripping the ever living shit out of it. he just couldnt get enough of how circular it was and how it jiggled every time y/n walked.
before training, itadori would slap y/n's ass as a "good luck charm", as if the boner in his pants would help him in combat..
MEGUMI - β¦
fushiguro is the FARTHEST thing of a pervert, but when it comes to y/n.. god he just cant handle himself
hes very shy with his actions, mostly due to the fact that if he let himself get handsy with you, he'd go absolutely FERAL.
just the slight wobble of y/n's ass is enough to boggle megumi's mind and keep him busy for the next 2 hours.
but nevertheless, megumi is still a sane and sensible person around y/n, although he can be seen stumbling over his words whenever he does get the chance to talk to him.
NOBARA - β¦
goodness me.. nobara doesnt know how to keep her hands off y/n's fat ol booty..
she thinks she can excuse herself because shes "just a girl and girls can always feel up their friends butt whenever they want to" (her exact words) of course, because of her totally convincing tone, y/n doesnt think anything of the close and personal touching nobara does.
nobara LOVES grabbing handfuls of y/n's ass and wobbling it in her hands. making sure to take in every jiggle it produced.
INUMAKI - α°
y/n is EXTREMELY lucky inumaki isnt such a freak, cs if he was, he would be commanding him to make it clap every second of the day.
inumaki isnt as handy as the others are, in fact, hes the most calmest of the bunch. but he does have his moments where he just cant help himself and starts to mess around with y/n. such as commanding him to grab something off the floor even if he was the one to drop it in the first place.
seeing y/n's arched back and his ass swaying back and forth just makes inumaki go into a frenzy. wishing he could act out everything hes ever thought of doing to you.
MAKI - α°
LORD.. maki has absolutely ZERO shame in her body when it comes to y/n's fat ass. shes constantly hitting on him and fitting both of her hands around y/n's juicy and perky booty.
shes constantly making sex jokes between her and y/n and even goes behind to give him some "practice backshots".
maki makes absolute SURE that y/n's ass is constantly in perfect condition, even going as far as to carry a measuring tape to keep data on y/n's ass to see if it has grown or not.
definitely safe to say that she is very.. VERY... dedicated to the research of y/n's voluptuous booty..
YUUTA - α°
im tired of ppl trying to play yuuta as a "sweet summer child", this man is DOWN for a BIG, JUICY FAT ASS like y/n's.
although he does get a bit nervous when hes around y/n due to his ass being so big it can make him hard just by one small movement.
yuuta is always taking the chances to feel up on y/n's bottom. if hes lucky enough, y/n will give yuuta special permission to lay his head of his butt.
which, safe to say, has made itself a special memory inside yuuta's brain.
#ππππππ π
ππππππππ β +*:κ«:*#πππππ πππππππ β β‘.ο½₯β©Β°ο½‘β#ππππππ ππππππππ β *:ο½₯οΎβ§*:ο½₯οΎ#πππππ πππππππ β βπβΛβΉβ‘#ππππ πππππ β βΛβΉα°#πππππππ ππππ β ΰΉ ΰ£ β#male reader#jjk x male reader#yuji x male reader#megumi x male reader#nobara x male reader#yuuta x male reader#maki x male reader#inumaki x male reader
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my mind does play an awful trick,
the ramblings of a lunatic
#cats art#oc#half life#half life oc#dr samantha#frostbite#angst#idk how to tag this really but i would like to say my friend derplixard was who encouraged me to draw again#even if it doesnt live up to my or others expectations#and lately ive been feeling kinda insecure / trapped in a box with all my creative forms#having only gman or meme art getting attention#and dont get me wrong! i LOVE making gman centered content and fun little memes#but it was starting to feel like thats ALL people saw me for#so im glad i managed to get this sketch done#even if i might not ever complete it#ok sentimental bullshit aside. this is the guy i locked in a freezer!!
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that π . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up π€·ββοΈ#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared π but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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i fear that i donβt acknowledge enough the fact that i KNOW rhinedottir's evil !!! and she's horrible !!! and that she's wholly ireedamable !!! i know and love and respect that fact !!! i'd shoot myself in the frontal lobe if hoyo made her out to NOT be wholly evil !!!! but the reason i always go on and on and on about her humanity and complexity is because. SHE IS ALWAYS DUMBED DOWN !!!! TO JUST THAT !!!! it's literally the greatest and most moving theme (IN MY OPINION!!!) in genshin, that human beings are COMPLEX !!!! and they're MORE than just evil or bad or wtv. we see this through every character to almost ever be introduced to us -> literally just take arlecchino as an example. if anyone was at all paying attention to the discourse around her when the fontaine teaser dropped (and. 4.0 in general) it was the BIGGEST thing to watch people argue between "she's a harbinger, so she's clearly the most evil and the big antagonist of fontaine because of these accounts we have right now !!" versus the argument of "we've only seen ONE perspective of her so far, and it's no duh that all this stuff sucks -- but there's no way she's JUST gonna be all these horrible things,, because literally nobody to exist is just horrible and cruel with zero to no good in them. and also that'd make a shit narrative by hoyo in a story driven game" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED !!!! we saw !!! in REAL time !!! that while arlecchino was rightfully cruel and horrible and, yes the things she did were fucked up beyond belief and she should absolutely not be excused for any of it - she is NOT just evil ! she's shown to care, albeit in a fucked up way that only shows she's even more deranged ; but what's so incredibly important about her is the way that her being "evil" doesn't mean she's incapable of anything else. She is evil, yesβ but so many of those evil actions have *motives* and *reasons* that explain them (but not excuse or condone!) and, although they donβt save her grace or anything of the sort, they DO show her true character. AND YHATS SO IMPORTANT!!!! Sheβs capable of being an antagonist while still being justified in some form, and given nuance and backstory and redeemable traits
I am !!! NEVER !!! going to say rhinedottir is a good person. she isn't! no shit sherlock ! how the fuck do you think im gonna go on and ignore the fact she sent both her kids to their deaths, and also fed one to another. dare i say, that is NOT anything good !!! suprise of the century !! woah !!! -- but what i AM gonna say is that she's much beyond that? hello !! not only has the point of her having not a zero good trait or will in her body been. proven false over and over and over again. but it's such ! Sad and not compelling is character choice for her *not* to be nuanced and complex and justified in a fucked up !! β like do you REALLY think hoyoverse (who is clearly capable of, and likes to make) complex characters, who are horrible, while not being *only* those horrible things, would pass up a golden (haha) opportunity to make a characters whose entire existence is JUST that??!,!2????
believe what you want! Do what you want! This is a silly video game that will be eroded along with time in a hundred in so years ! But god so help me, please donβt be willfully ignorant to the complexity and nuance of characters, just because you want a villain. No villain , real or not, is entirely evil. People are complex and multi faceted and people really, really need to hop off this cart of going βokay but stop saying sheβs multifaceted because it takes away from her being evilβ because it DOESNT! If anything, it makes her so much more compelling . Which is something some people can apparently. Not handle.
#this isnβt even MENTIONING that she survived the cataclysm and#the implications that you guys are going to immediately villainize the one that got their nation destroyed. rather than the ones#that destroyed and cursed the people of it#HELLO.#-> I donβt see asmoday fans! or phanes fans!#because people are SO ignorant to things when it isnβt shoved in your face#you guys care about Rhinedottir this much because sheβs so publicized. but celestia is JUST as bad and I have yet to see more than like#three fans of them. the group/faction who fit peopleβs perception of Rhinedottir even more than#Rhine herself#(not including the istaroth fans. you are all lovely. I love you guys.)#(thank you for being insane over her.)#-> like yesss guys! letβs demonize and antagonize the war survivor who went through just as much trauma as everyone else#who was just human (a point which was just established in the Fontaine quest to be HUGE when it comes to such extensive trauma like that)#and is clearly fucked up in the head. a tad against her decison#IM NOT SAYING THAT EXCUSES HER??? NO SHIT IT DOESNT???#but GOD so help me. THATS HER REASON!#HER OERSONAL JUSTIFICATION! MOTIVE!#why do people have to be so obsessed with making her an unjustified and evil entity when sheβs. not that#sheβs justified! even if it isnβt by a practical standard!#but I need YOU to put yourself into her shoes for a second#how the fuck would YOU react to your people being murdered and cursed#being wholly antagonized by everyone to live#experiencing isolation from society#and then going through the whole βlike teo thirds of my magnum opuses just diedβ thing#this isnβt even! to MENTION! the fact she holds a fucked up sense of affection for them?#do you truly think she felt NOTHING#I donβt care if you wanna talk about her sending them out to be killed. that doesnβt meant she canβt feel grief#theyβre DRAGONSdeidgned for destruction what the fucj did you expect#-> hate her all you want! thatβs okay! but donβt villainize her for no reason other that uoucamt think beyond surface level#crepe rambles
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i'm so proud of my son yuji...
I LOVE HIMMMM IVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER... precious son <33 beat that ratty old man up
#yuuji is really living the ultimate asian family drama. his mom's in laws hate them for serving cunt. his dad's got beef with his#pretentious older sibling that prefers to pretend he doesnt exist. and that hes also superior to him#his taia HATESS him for being his parents' son and also screwing him over... cuz his taia def has a complex of some sorts#his dad is fucked up for knowingly or ignorantly getting it on with someone thats not his wife for his own gain#he's got half brothers he didnt even know about from his mom and has killed 8 out of 9 of them#and his older brother hates their shared parent for fucking their siblings over. but also doesnt mind that theyre dead because he#doesnt want to lose yuuji his youngest sibling so doesnt matter what happens to the others#also shared parent dotes on yuuji while screwing him over but has no problem shitting on their eldest child for not measuring up to their#expectations. my poor poor boy IF NOTHING ELSE BEAT UR UGLY ASS TAIA UP πππ#ali <3#hanancouldyounot#jjk 257#jjk spoilers#hanancouldyoupost
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pondering the kirsch siblings orb yet again and you really cannot convince me that quinn would not have been moving like depression era bella in new moon from the moment she even FOUND OUT richie was moving to modesto...
#like bc LISTEN.#anyone with eyes can tell richie was clearly her everything π#and idt she was super young bc i hc he moved out about 1-2 yrs b4 the events of 5cream#and richie wouldve still been 23-24#but just given how close they were + how spoiled he was at home LMAO idt she wouldve Expected him to leave 'so soon'#read: EVER or at least before the twins graduated hs#so i think that news hit her like the final destination 2 log truck. like that HURT. DEVASTATED her even. esp given the distance bc-#i hc the kirsches as Wisconsin People (source: kinda sorta radio silence but also my besties knowledge of Wisconsin People)#so from wherever the hell wisconsin to CALIFORNIA?!?!?!?! ik quinn was crying screaming throwing up like that was the worst day of her LIFE#up until then at least. like maybe she was onto smth bc nothing GOOD came of him moving there.#but yeah no i think she was absolutely moping about emo as hell feeling like a piece of her was literally missing.#bc and i think this goes wrt both of her brothers but since im kirschcest pilled yk theres an extra element there#quinn is very like family oriented in general and i think she doesnt know how to think of herself/what to do w herself if shes not like.#being their sister. best way i can put it thats not so convoluted but ykwim. like so it just does Not feel natural for her#for them to be apart & SO far away from each other. i think it wouldnt be nearly as big a deal if he moved out but stayed even just in stat#the only bright spot for her wouldve been 1) getting to visit and 2) getting the idea that she could just go out there for college#then yippee!! the whole gang is reunited!#bc obvi ethan is coming with. im ngl i do not even think she would ask or be like 'so i wanna move to cali to be close to richie hbu?'#i think she'd assume like well theyve been together their whole lives? why WOULDNT ethan go along?? π#and she's right except he is 100% agreeing bc he'd be with HER#but thats another post and or tag essay#ceci speaks#scream franchise#scream vi#kirsch siblings#richie kirsch#quinn bailey
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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gjdfjgld;jfkafjasklkfdajfk i . im a bit more normal (pointedly ignoring any anxiety) about the job offer but god that was so scary . i saw my classmate and my professor before i went to meet with the coordinator and he was like "i would tell you good luck, but she's really nice and excited to meet you" and i was like agh . okay . yeah i'll be fine i'll be so normal .
well . a bit before i was supposed to meet her she asked me to bring in an ESSAY and my resume um i was ready to blow up and die..... i'm so glad this wasn't my first class with this professor because i feel like being in his class really helped improve the structure and clarity in my essays... i can't even look at the essays i wrote before his class lol . anyway . i had my classmate lightly edit my essay before i went and gjdflkghdsfjgdsfg oh mein gott it was so embarrassing in the beginning because i was printing out my shiet and my paper was EIGHT pages so i went up to the front desk to ask for a stapler and the receptionist was talking to someone when i got there and when i was in the middle of taking the stapler from them, i asked them if they knew where i could meet the coordinator and the person the receptionist was talking to TURNED OUT TO BE WHO I WAS LOOKING FOR???? and i was just so thrown off that i just sort of stood there with my papers in my hands not knowing whether i should grab the stapler or introduce myself oughhhh
anyway . that happened and we went into a room and she asked me interview questions and i decided to be honest again (</3) because it felt like a space where that was actually warranted.... when she asked me to tell her about myself, one of the things i said was that i like reading and oh my god thank god thankkkkk god i'm actually reading a book for the first time in MONTHS because she ASKED WHAT I WAS READING.... it felt like a test but she probably wouldnt have beat me up if i said i wasn't reading anything at da moment..... but yeah . she was very honest and straightforward which i really appreciated <3 she was telling me about how it can be an exhausting job where there will be a lot of thinking (+ doing so on the spot) and it involves a lot of engagement. like she talked about how when people come in for help on their essays, you don't Tell them what to do or that they're wrong in doing xyz, it's a lot of asking the right questions to pull answers out of them or to help stimulate their thinking and helping them arrive to a conclusion on their own. and when she was talking about all of that i told her that it was actually pretty similar to how my professor teaches ('':
but yeagh.... it's scary.... it's really scary i'm really scared . she said it's a lot to handle and that it's a lot of work and aside from the tutoring aspect, there's a lot of reading which makes me anxious because of my piss ass attention span but this could honestly be a good thing because it could be a way to force me to work on that.....
augh... when my professor first brought this up to me on monday i was sooo scared and when he said that i could think about it, i immediately said yes even though practically everything in my body was telling me NO and to turn it down and run and try to find something else. i knew i couldn't give myself even a day to consider this because i knewwww i would freak myself out of it. and when i was talking with the coordinator for that whole hour, most of what she said scared me and was setting off sooooo much anxiety for me, i couldn't help but think "i can't do this i'm not cut out for this i'm not the person for this i should just leave NOW" and it's so annoying how those were such awfully persistent thoughts. she asked me if i thought i could handle it and i was honest again and i told her that i'm anxious about it because i've never ever ever envisioned myself as a tutor or teacher and i'm worried that i won't be able to help people properly x__x she was v nice and said that in telling her that she could tell that i want to help and do well and that's important.... u__u
i also asked her like . lol . when would i know if i get accepted or not after being put through training and she said that the only case would be if you're lazy and i was like hm . well . she pretty much explained that it's okay to make mistakes and that i can keep trying and learning but oagufdgdsgj i don't know . i might be the first person in recorded history at my school's reading and writing center to be kicked out because i fucked up too many times x__x LIKE . OUAGH . how many times can a tutor fuck up . you know . like there will probably be a certain point where i can't think fast enough or explain well enough or come up with a good enough outline and they're going to be like ohhhh wow you're really seriously so stupid why are you here . what did your professor see in you . you can die and leave now <3
#also i'm . i know there's the option to give up at some point but i have such a nonsensical and twisted way of thinking where i . feel like#if i don't do it and try my best and tough it out then i'm a loser and a failure . like if i give up because i feel like i wasn't well#suited for it . it doesn't feel like that's the real reason but more that it's because i'm incompetent and a failure who fails at things#and that any other smart person could have done it and that there's something inherently wrong with me which is why /i/ couldnt#and then it goes even further into like . oh i disappointed my professor by not going through with it all the way / not succeeding . he's#the one who recommended me so i should have lived up to his expectation and done well and i'm lame for not doing that#and i wasted his time#WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEE#HES THE MOST CHILL PERSON ON THIS STUPID BAKA EARTH HES PROBABLY GOING TO BE SO UNBOTHERED#i really hope my classmate doesnt ask me how it went on monday im gonna have a breakdown if i have to talk about this in front#of two people#ss#also apologies to unanswered msgssss my brain fell and splattered onto the floor today at 03:05 pm pst u__u
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literlaly terirble night last night
#first of all the gay party was capped and me and my friend were devastated cuz we were so ready to make out w girls#second of all i went to the other frat that me and my gf met at and guess what. i fucking saw her there#id been there before sinc ewe came back but ive never seen her so far there but idk what i was expecting#not only that but we literally met at the drink station as in full relapse of last sem when we also said hi there and hit it off#so mebarrsing#not only that btu this frat was so good last sem but now its ass so the music wasnt even fun and i wasnt feeling it#and then these ASSHOLE GUYS are mocking me for being an english major. that REALLY pissed me off#AND THEN on my way back im waiting for the bus and she and ehr friends pull up tot he bus stop too#and then i got back to my dorm and just sobbed for like an hour and wandered around voice memoing my friends sobbing#like its so humilaitng its so fukced up how much our breakup is impacting me why cant ijust move on#i know its been like 4 weeks but comeon . im sor eady to be over her i hate feeling this dread#AND THEN im finally like you know closing my suite door and the lock jams so im fidgeting with it and one of her friend makes eye contact w#me. SHE DOESNT EVEN LIVE IN TEH SAME BUILDING AS ME!!! WHY WAS SHE THEREEEE#and i literally have tears all over mye yes and i had no idea she was coming so we just made ey contact and then i shut teh door
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we goπ
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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really getting tired of mother aggressively being against non-harmful things only to sloooowly do a 180 on her opinion of it after several years of making everyone else's lives an absolute hell
#shes wanting to try CBD/THC (i know theres a difference but she's interested in trying either/or now)#and she's been aggressively anti-weed for YEARS#and still loudly makes disgusted remarks and noises whenever she smells weed around the neighborhood#like... maam. can u just let ppl live their lives. please.#i guess i should just be glad she's willing to change her mind abt things but I'd love if she'd realize how many times this has happened#and would maybe stop being so fucking aggressive and loud about things she doesnt like or agree with#and then she expects everyone else to be super chill abt her being normal abt it now and immediately trust her#AUGGHHH ofc im not going to trust u abt things when you've spent years making my life hell abt that thing !!!!#(I've never talked abt my weed usage w her lol she doesnt even know I've been high before fjfkdldl)#(but like. with other shit idk. or just me trying to open her mind a little by bringing the topic up irt other ppl or laws or whatever)#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#mother mention
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Having a big family is too expensive. Where am I supposed to find the money for my brother's 20th, my cousin's 21st and graduation, my twin cousins turning 23, my other cousin turning 26 and having a baby all this month!! π
#Demon Spawn#+Extra#theres too much going on! and my mum doesnt tell me everything at once so i think i only have one purchase to worry about#and then she hits me with another one!! did you remember this? did you remember that? no i was still dealing with the last one#im sorry but siblings are prioritised then i gotta sort out my own sht if i can then afford all these other peoples things#when i dont even speak to them! then sure maybe ill get around to it but theyve all got more extravagant preferences which i cant afford π
#most of them still live at home and dont pay rent let alone tuition i cant afford their expectations and having 4 cousin birthdays#in a month is ridiculous have you seen the price of postage? and you wanna add in graduations and a baby into it???#i probably sound like im btching about nothing to people who have a good relationship with their cousins but i never see them and even#when i do we dont talk its super awkward and we have nothing in common yet i gotta go spend money i dont have all at once on them#and i cant even say sht cus my mum arranged a 21st for me that i didnt want so they did end up getting me stuff#god i sound like such btch i just dont know these people and its stressful trying to get presents as is but so many occasions at once when#i have no clue is stressing me out right now its not that i dont want to celebrate its the sudden expenditure and the fact its not spread#out and that theres so many cus i already got 8 siblings and my mum is one of 5 and my cousins are getting older so theyre going through#milestones that require gifts too at the same time as their birthday
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ive seen many a post that says something like "when youre an adult, theres no one to yell at you when u break plates! or being late or messing up :D!! rejoice!!!" amd while i understand where theyre coming from and more power to them i guess i cant fucking relate because qhen my abusive brother moved out when i was 16 it genuinely broke me having abuse abuse abuse then fucking nothing. im not happy when i expect to be abused and im not. it makes me mad that i expect and brace for it because DUH. conditioning 101!!!! and it makes you so fucking bizarre because youll start believing in the most insane things that will make you good, like how i believed that being completely invisible and costing very little financially to take care of would make me "good" and now im around new people at a new school and they told me all of their creatuve endeavours (one girl made film and sings in a band, another makes jungle) and i got so unfathomably jealous because ive always wanted to get into music but its much more visible and makes me so much more of a target then more silent things like visual arts and writing. and i see people with all this outward and visible passion and talent and skills theyve been showing off since they were very young and it makes me suiiiicidal suiiicidal cause it shouldve been me! whatever sufjan said. the only reason why i continue at all faith in reason ive wasted my life playing dumb and also it strikes me far too late again.
#βοΈ#i kept how i looked the exact same for the longest time for the same reasoning#(weird abuse logic that if i do this thing it means im good)#and i finally got an undercut this summer and i expected my family to hate it but no one fucking cared not even my mum#and i was like!!!! whats the fucking point! then u realise there is no point. its all irrationally self inflicted#but then you also realise that its barely even self inflicted because YOU MADE ME THIS WAY . OHHH MY GOD#its maddening because people will fuck you up permanently and then ask you why you act the way you do#im fucking deleting this later bit im having such a hard time adjusting . its been years sibce anyone laid a hand on me#but it doesnt feel like it for a second.#wait nevermind my brother literally out me in a chokehold the other week for the crime of walking past him#lolololololol i cant fucking live here anymore
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#i'm losing a war against the mceichel worms in my brains and its like#their dynamic to ME is that one mary oliver quote thats like ''let the soft animal of your body love what it loves''#except what connor loves is an angry little raccoon he picked up by accident from the trash can (jack)#i think. what is so compelling to me about them in ways that other connor ships do not move me in#well first anytime we're doing lovers to enemies i'm on board but mostly its the whole. not being friends#look one romantic aspect we do not talk enough about is the idea that you wouldnt be friends with your partner if you werent in a#relationship which like. doesnt make sense right? arent all good relationships built on a foundation of platonic affection?#but you would be surprised! at how many people fall into this kind of dynamic! because at the end of the day being partners is a CHOICE#oh my god it was always a choice#anyways i love projecting real life relationship dynamics on fictional men#and i just think. ifs the acknowledgement that they wouldnt particularly work well outside of a romantic aspect that Gets Me So Badly#we're either lovers or strangers#<- THEE mceichel thesis to me#and its just stupid cute and stupid human to find urself falling in love with someone you wouldnt expect#i want that for the both of them. they both need je nay say kwas to keep their incredibly regimented lives normal and fun.#ANYWys.#thinking. perhaps even thoughting. thunking.
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I cannot read people actually talking ab american psycho bc anyone actually invested into it has a 75% chance of subscribing to like 2 of the three readings of it that are wrong
#i deleted one of them out of my head but the whole ooiuhhohi he doesnt actually kill people paul allen is alive hes hallucinatinggg#the whole thing is a commentary on how the peak of the 'american dream' requires you to fill a mold society expects#kill all individuality. deny age for the sake of youth. ignore horrific actions to maintain the status quo.#batemans whole character IN THE MOVIE is him like very much living in a hell of doing these things not bc its innate#but because he sees these things as what society expects and thus he should aspire and want for them#he doesnt kill paul bc he wants or needs more money or even that he feels threatened. hes comfortable#its entirely hes so so caught up in society and the ideals pushed by that society that he overly acts to achieve them as much as possible#so he kills him bc he recognizes hes doing better than him#the paul allen is alive thing is to hit home a point on this#bc the whole movie everyone treats bateman like hes crazy and cares way too much#and then paul being 'alive' hits that home extra bc he IS caring too much. bc everyone is so numb to whats going on around them#they dont even realize they havent seen paul. they mix up people throughout the movie constantly even tho supposedly theyre close?#its bc everyone looks the same to them . nobody stands out and they all fit this same mold. theyre all the same person#bateman realizes everything hes done 1. doesnt matter bc nobody cares and 2. it never will matter and he could snap and it wouldnt matter#bc nobody would notice or care in their society blind to each other#even then the only person who genuinely ever sees him for the monster he is is the hooker he chases in those few scenes wjth her#anyway#idk why it makes me mad it just does#the gamer speaks uwu#also the directors or somethjng said hes actually for real killing people so.
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I give too much advice to adults who are dedicated to acting like children and not wanting to understand ppl theyve decided to hate for no reason.
#like why do i extend my arm when you're just a bully with a woke coat of paint to justify your actions lol#like plenty of the posts i reblog say- just bc you dont like something or in this case SOMEONE. doesnt mean you have to find a secret#reason theyre somehow problematic to justify your dislike of them. sometimes you can just dislike ppl for dumb petty reasons even#id rather you just be honest that thats the reason instead of being a manipulative fuck making me think theres some secret other reason im#doing what im doing and if i dont listen to you then it means i dont actually want to be progressive or whatever. bc we both know thats not#the reason you're doing this. we both know you're just doing this bc you like to be a bully and found a woke way to do so.#we both know you dont actually care about me changing bc if i do listen to you and change. there will be a new expectation that i didnt#successfuly fill. thats just how ppl like yall work#thats just how bullies who like to see themselves as progressive are#i say like to see themselves as bc i see bullying as inherently a rightwing thing. and obviously if you're not being a disingenuous fuck rn#you know i mean genuine bullying when yoy bat someone around like a cat for not living up to your expectations#not calling ppl out for their genuine obvious shitty behavior#these are two different things and ik manipulative bullies who larp as progressive ppl know that but seems they wanna convince us theyre#the same so they can keep batting people around. please get a hobby. please find a new way to entertain yourself#oh and please for the love of fuck go to therapy bc no one does that shit other than when they feel inadequate themselves.#idk if you've noticed but i like never feel the need to bully people. idk why but i think its bc i love myself and i love being weird and#eccentric and not fitting anyones specific standards. idk. its more freeing to mot give a fuck what other ppl are like#and trying to change their behavior somehow someway to be more palatable to what youd like.#and maybe bullying isnt right wing but its definitely not progressive. sorry for not having the perfect phrasing ik its horrible#im just so terrible for not phrasing things the way you want i know.#ik a lot of the stuff about narcissists and bs but the shit about communal narcissists is what ppl like this remind me of#purely in it for the aesthetic. to look progressive and cool and diverting from the norm. but shits on anyone who might threaten their role#even if theyre just imagining theyd someone how threaten their role in this. oh and of course they only give af about shit to look good#which is why when you do something that doesnt fit the Aesthetic Of Progressivism then automatically you're kicked out and not progressive.#bc ppl who are 'communal narcissists' for lack of a better term. have set the standard that its how leftist you *appear* than what you do#or what you believe.#i wish we had a better term for this bc i think this a useful observation. i jst dont wanna throw ppl w personality disorders under the bus
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