#and im really struggling with coming to terms with that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

135-film · 8 months ago

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i do feel like i would've been better off being born in a different country, even if it would be detrimental to me in other ways.

#dook dook #(? whimper whimper ?)#i dont really know how to word it #especially without sounding like a whiny american who doesnt know whats going on #because i am.#but idk.#it sucks knowing i wouldve been an A-B student in a trillion other countries.#but i was a C-D student instead #and americans put a LOT of expectation on young adults for making sure you are overwhelmed and overworked and burnt out #and im really struggling with coming to terms with that #like i know its not better anywhere else #and could be worse even #but i just wanna live somewhere that i can just be like.. a person #and not a cog in the fucking machine #because i am not good at being a cog #i intentionally flunked high school (though somehow i got lucky and have my diploma)#but i cant get into school without doing a BUNCH of work that couldve been avoided if i didnt do that #and im trying not to already give up on this job #and just halfass everything #if even that #but :')#like yea i probably have better opportunities compared to people who dont live in the US #but i hate it here #but i dont know anything else too #ughhhh

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greyedian · 2 months ago

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MAN I'm seriously so sad about season 2. Bc I wish act 2 had the same emotional impact on me as it appears to have on so many others. But rn I'm just somewhere between unable to care and actively annoyed by some of those writing decisions. Seriously the more I think about it the less I like it.

#act 3 come through please 🙏#I don't think it can salvage some of the things I have contentions with but still... please...#don't ask me about the silco vander flashback with jinxs + vis mom #or the bizzare choice to do so much of the storytelling through this weird music video format they've got going on #completely stripping it of the weight these plot beats could've had if they were... normal scenes #and also missing the point of how the music was used in season 1 and what made it so effective #bc it was complementary to instead of replacing the storytelling #seriously don't ask me about these things I will spontaneously implode on the spot #whyyyyy would they recontextualize season 1 like this with that flashback #to me it kind of ruins the character dynamics and themes in s1. it just makes me so sad you have no idea #also what even are they doing with Jinx rn for real #aaarghhhh just... so many things that are making me scratch my head #also I'm so terribly sorry but I could not care less about Isha sorry lol #like i get that its sad conceptually but she was such a non-character that i struggle to feel impacted at all #same with sky tbh. i thought her role in s1 was alright but there is so much emotional weight put on her now #in terms of her relationship to Viktor but that was barely established so it's weird to have her around #and clearly you're supposed to care but they haven't given me much reason to #isha and sky were non-characters just there to die to further the development of other characters #they didn't really have anything going on on their own and that's just a type of character and plot device that does nothing for me #also i thought the war between zaun and piltover + internal struggles in zaun bc silcos gone would be the main focus #but that stuff seems so sidetracked rn #also sorry i dont like what they did with vander and warwick either. that man should've stayed dead lol #it honestly just makes his death feel less impactful and i dont know what this is supposed to do for the story or the themes???#that just feels like a pointless plotline that is taking up time that could've been spent on other things #i just... i could go on like this for a while like there are so many things that just puzzle me #it's so weird considering how tight and thematically consistent season 1 was #let's see where act 3 goes but... i kinda have a bad feeling about it ngl #obv im glad others are enjoying it and this is just my opinion! also a lot of this are probs just my personal tastes anyway #arcane spoilers

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thewhizzyhead · 2 months ago

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if I said eisa davis' influence in making lmm actually write something rather radically progressive has subsequently inspired me to return to my roots of actually fucking thinking of making radically progressive musicals after a 3-year long hiatus in doing so, then what-

#thdjdjd i dunno like gjdjd #look warriors did something fucking weird to my brain #it brought me back to when i first was obsessed with WATT when i was 16 #and hamilton when i was 13 #like it makes me wanna write again #and now with eisa davis proving that Radically Progressive Ideas In Art Can Fucking Work If You Have The Balls #im um #really thinking about going back WHAHAHA #might rework Patron the musical into a concept album idea of sorts #side a being life as a filipino student who learns the ins and outs of activism and ndmos here #side b being their counterpart who is a writer that struggles against being indocrinated by um neo-colonialist capitalist beliefs #all that comes with prolonged exposure to the bubble of privilege in the phililpines #(especially the role that the US capitalism plays in it hahahahaha we haven't forgotten about that)#basically not exactly a princess and the pauper situation but um just two people on different sides of the same coin #and its meant to be an exploration of my experiences in college #both in terms of my activism #and me being made to mind the line at times as a communication student and a writer #its like splitting myself into two and making them butt heads PFFT but yea #and I call it Patron because Side A (Filipino) is inspired from the concept of patron saints ('who dies for us? who do we die for?')#(pronounce side A as PAH-tron with a roll to that R)#and Side B is um what are the privileges and pitfalls of foreign patronage?#(yes this is inspired by um some filipinos being so enamored by socio-economic privilege upon stepping foot in amerca that they forget-#where they came from)#anyways thats ny tiny ramble for today im gonna get back to wofk #personal shit #voila the return of the izzy idea rambles

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tevos · 28 days ago

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#not using my big girl brain OR the tags im just turning the thots over like a boiled sweet on a cold winter day but #there is something to be said for the parallels between carla and liam / carla and lisa #more to the point specifically for today’s thoughts: carla telling lisa that she loves her and lisa not saying it back #even if it’s so obvious to we the viewers (and ofc with vicky’s confirmation) that she feels the same but is obviously struggling with it #rewatching those old scenes really put carla and liam into perspective as a thirty year old and not a thirteen-fourteen year old #but that she opens herself to him so completely and so immediately and even though he shows hesitation she doesn’t let it stop her #she tells him don’t worry you’ll get there because i know we’re meant to be i know this is right i know and i trust in us and in you #and then he goes back to maria #and now present day carla confessing her Big Feelings and lisa hesitates #and it’s like it’s happening all over again #she likes lisa more than lisa likes her #and she’s been here before and she knows what it means #and best case scenario it takes lisa another several months to come to terms with her feelings and now she’s just been told that she might #not have that long to wait #she needs in she needs security she needs immediacy she needs anything but hesitation #god though ESPECIALLY after liam was the one who carla brought up when discussing lost love with lisa and not peter #not paul #(haha bird joke)#idk it’s in my head like worms #rewatching those old liarla scenes last night was like a punch to the gut i forgot they went through all of what they did #and now again…… UGGGHH #anyway #not to say i’m concerned because i truly believe they’ll work this out the way they’ve worked everything out so far:#thoroughly and together #and i cannot waaaaait to watch #that’s it that’s my lunch hour thought of the day #coronation street spoilers

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choface · 11 months ago

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for hs4 rollout I would like to manifest sudden, surprise drops

#🕯️🕯️🕯️#want to wake up one morning to a photoshoot a single and the album release date and tracklist #I don’t want to scour the internet’s html coding for clues #meaning no eroda or you are home scavenger hunts #maybe it’s swiftie style burnout too #i just don’t think harry needs that kind of marketing anymore to get us hyped #we are hyped already but #we’re old and tired and impatient #im going to approach this album era differently in terms of fandom consumption #because i really struggled with fandom and burnout during Harry’s house #anywayyyy just thinking about hs4 and how my blog will navigate #hs4 is coming

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pickled-flowers · 3 months ago

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Every time I go to a party I'm reminded that it's not that I can't interact with people, it's just not a desire I have :(

#i always feel so guilty when ppl i just met are like wow u seem so cool! because im really not!#im good at masking and making people feel comfortable! its got nothing to do with my personality unfortunately #no version of me is as true as who i am by myself and idk i feel like a fraud for being nice?#ive had many people be disappointed when i just. dont want to hang out #im not a 1 on 1 person i hate being alone with someone #even with people i dearly cherish i just cant find myself comfortable when others are around #and its not about them either i think im just not compatible with social interactions #im not really looking for advice btw like this is just something im coming to terms with #i love people i truly do i just cannot exist properly around them #anyways fat bear supper was really nice :')#the mashed potatoes??? they were so fuckjng good like bro you dont understand #and shoutout to the ppl who made a salmon lasagna that was so good as well #friends played a beautiful beautiful song they made (if they end up putting it on spotify ill share it here its about a cow named Margot)#anyways i guess soft reminder you never know what people are struggling with regardless of how functioning they appear #(mashed potatoes recipe is as follow: unpeeled potatoes #+whole milk+butter+rosemary+thyme thats it thank u)

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lionblaze03-2 · 8 months ago

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sometimes I think about writing and singing music not because I’m an incredible singer but because no one has my fucking voice, especially in popular music, and its disheartening to be born a girl, told you’ll only get girl roles or try to voice match other girls, or ‘sing with the girls’ and then only be able to match male voices because you’re a fuckin tenor and not anything higher. I can’t think of any girl Broadway roles I can hit all the notes on. Most songs I love I have to pitch down for myself or use falsetto for singing along to. It bothers me a lot less now because I’m an adult who’s more secure in myself but as a teen in kids musical theatre it FUCKED with me, BAD style. And I know for a fact that even now when I hear people with a voice like mine singing I get excited and immediately invested in their work because they’re like ME, finally, for once. A brother in this world of being afab and having the voice of a recently pubescent boy forever. Maybe I should be that brother too.

#Using randomly gendered words because that’s me now but hey #Regardless of if you were born afab and are a girl 100% or if you were born afab and are someone else #It STILL sucks to always be grouped along with ‘girls’ just because of your voice and realize #You CANT hit that. You can’t hit the mark for ‘girl’. You’ll never achieve that without like. Hrt #Just say THE VOCAL CLASS. Like. Sopranos sing with this. Tenors with this. Bass with this. Etc #Then it doesn’t hurt! But nooo instead they’re looking or ‘sing with the other girls’ and you fucking can’t #And it gives you a crisis at age 14 #Anyway all I know is when other people who were assigned female at birth and aren’t on something they changes ones voice #and just happen to have born with the same deep ass voice as me. It makes me proud to hear them use it #Because not enough people do. It’s like we’re all collectively embarrassed or something #I see so many sad posts from teenagers posting their dream roles and the reason they won’t get it is ‘girl’#and it’s like. I remember being that kid. Never able to get a female lead because of my voice. Never able to get a male lead because of gir #Even though my voice and appearance could easily swing male. Nope! You’re GIRL. So you’re doomed to background forever :)#I got 1 lead role and it was when I was at my most feminine and was also for a villain that was a fat hag #I LOOOOVED playing her im aunt sponge forever. BUT. Never getting one again after that… showed me. Something #More gender blind casting and more songs just written for tenors please #doing just ONE of those things would probably solve the issue #But both please because I’m greedy and I want what I couldn’t have for every kid today #(And also me in the future in adult community theatre. Haven’t had time/too intimidated so far but I WILL go back)#And before anyone questions the language on this post. I STRUGGLED with how to word it #TERFs begone. I love trans people. I am nonbinary and some form of intersex (pcos).#I just word it this way because of like. Where we all start #Whether we stay GIRL girls or realize we’re somewhere in between. It crushes us either way to have the ‘wrong’ voice to do anything #Because it did me at first. And I’m otherwise GLAD to be confusing #I’ve come to love my deep voice it baffles others and they never know what to call me it really helps the whole ‘what am I’ presentation #But. In terms of certain things. Like being in theatre in the deep south #It certainly does not help and can be disheartening #Especially back when I was younger and more self conscious #lion’s lair

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pepprs · 1 year ago

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tonight in class we had to pair up w a classmate and talk abt our positionality in doing community engaged work and i got paired w my carpool who is a 50something yr old mom whose kids are slightly older than i am and i told her abt how im bi but my experience of coming out to my family was so damaging that it forever fucked my ability to be vulnerable with ppl / not hesitate in being my true full self even when it has nothing to do w my sexuality and. 🥹🥹🥹🥹 she told me that she recently realized she’s bi too and she hasn’t told anyone yet even her kids and she showed me she’s going to these meetup groups for lesbians and bi women and she showed me all the ebooks she’s reading that are wlw love stories and she told me i need to start doing affirmations and she showed me her journal and all the things she does for self care like buying herself flowers every week just because she can. and i haven’t thought about it too much since she dropped me off at home but its just hitting me now and it kinda makes me want to cry thinking about it. her kindness took my breath away. im not alone!

#purrs #i mean i knew i wasn’t alone but like. to hear this wonderful beam of light of a woman talk abt how she too is figuring out her sexuality #and is shy witb it and struggling just like me… and for her to be so kind like that.. im just overwhelmed by it really. especially this time #of year bc it was just national coming out day which will forever be one of the most painful days of my life lawl 🤑 she doesn’t know the #full story but even for her to be like so firmly passionately like.. how you are treated was wrong. and for her to be IMMEDIATELY vulnerable #like that…. god. i feel kind of weird being more ‘experienced’ than her in some ways like just in terms of being semi-out and knowing that I #like girls for most of my life whereas for her it’s only been in the last few months thst she’s known. but like.. wow!

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ialwaysknewyouwerepunk · 9 months ago

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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

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violetdisasterzone · 7 months ago

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84 years later, I'm finally admitting the second A word out loud. happy pride month to me

#coming to terms w not being alloromantic has been a very long internal struggle #and i still haven't fully gotten there #especially when i don’t think I'm fully aro either #I'm not really concerned with where i fall on the aro spectrum. admitting/figuring out im (probably) (somewhere) on there at all is enough #but i think it's finally time to alter the all-knowing Tumblr Bio #which as we all know is where the most important and accurate information about yourself is stored #aroace lesbian

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gaydryad · 6 months ago

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ok question if hypothetically I were to make a html + css template for making custom pokémon teams (cough such as for OCs cough) in the Bulbapedia widget style, would anyone else be interested in using it? if so I will go into this trying to write it as an actual decent template

#from the writer's den #void talks #this will mainly be regarding input options but also impact how many types I would need to template out #since if I just do my own ocs I can get away with ignoring a ton of type combos etc #since a ton of types are only very barely represented #e.g. delta's lucario is the only fighting type I think #diana's gabite is the only ground type #zeta's togekiss and universe's walking wake are the only fairy types #(and tbh thats assuming I keep universe's team as it is.)#but like there's fully NO rock types here #nor bug #ice is rep'd only by triste's weavile and zeta's lapras #and like. do those really count as ice types #death has a chandelure and oscar has houndoom but those are the only fire types #if gengar werent a poison type (which lbr why the fuck is it poison) then the only poison type would be delta's roserade #and the only reason there's a reasonable electric type rep is because of karyn #anyway point being there's a serious overrepresentation of dark ghost and psychic #like actually #anyway. im rambling but you get the point. uneven distribution.#all these teams are skewed as hell in this own ways.#the only person whose team is even slightly balanced is oscar's.#and even then it's only because his team includes electric + grass + fire types #and at least one fairy type move for coverage #but like. other than that. all these teams have at least one MAJOR flaw #delta's comes in second in terms of type spread but gets hard walled by a singular good fire type #what with her two dual steel types and her two grass #with only gallade and meowstic (both with mostly status / defensive moves) not weak to fire #karyn has good offensive coverage bc her vaporeon knows both shadow ball and ice beam but it's still not Great #what with her defensive type chart being water / electric+psychic / electric / water (again) / electric+flying / water+flying #at best she clears ground types with vaporeon and struggles through a competent grass specialist with kilowattrel

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sgt-celestial · 11 months ago

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sitting at the kitchen table doing fuckall rn might do my makeup for fun in my tiny handheld mirror. should i

#i did it yesterday to test if my old makeup still works (it does) but these days i reeeeally struggle with makeup. in the sense that im fina #lly pretty settled with my whole gender situation AND ive come to realise the Horrors of the beauty industry and stuff so im kind of . well #im not sure on the english word for it but its whatever Peleada is in english. quarreled i guess with doing my makeup #cuz i used to do it every day for college but then i stopped and realised how pressured i felt into not going out makeupless. but now its #really funny cuz i NEVER wear it so my friends arent used to seeing me with it on #so i guess i see it as more of an add-on now as opposed to a mask or something. idk IDK!!!!! but im still coming to terms with my whole #masc status so hmmm. save me 60s 70s drag #like i want it to be a drag act but no matter what people will STILL see me as a girl. makeup or no makeup. masc or femme its like i will #never escape from that :/#emi's meandering jotts #wellll im gonna do it anyway whatever. i dont want my makeup to go bad and waste away so! considering this a use-up event #im not gonna wear it out anyway sooo ^_^#sorry for the huge spiel. its just me thinking out loud to be honest

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juusasu4evagrrl · 2 years ago

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Genuine question, does anyone want to hear about naruto from the prospective of a Liberian person grappling with the generational trauma of a brutal civil war or is that too heavy??

Like there's, I like sasuke cause he's a cool dude, very wholesome do tell, and then there's, I like sasuke cause the government also tried to eradicate my people group that one time and holding empathy for that dumbass kid teaches me to examine a my own experiences with compassion, honestly what a downer like who cares.

I don't know thoughts???