#even if I was diabetic you can’t just put me on a diet like that if my blood sugar is in the normal range???

[dog-babyy]

Love how if you’re fat doctors just assume you have diabetes

Once was in the hospital and was telling them I had numbness and neuropathy in my arm and leg and the doctor says “oh that’s just your diabetes” I had to tell him that no I do not have diabetes and he was just like ‘oh…..I don’t know then”

When I went to the spine doctor he was like yeah of course you have neuropathy and numbness your spine is disintegrating

Then I was in the hospital for a hemiplegic migraine but we didn’t know it at the time and they just decided that because I’m on metformin and I’m fat I must have diabetes so they put me on a 0 sugar diet like no fruit no carbs and then when the nurse kept coming in checking my sugar and it kept dropping lower and lower he said “hold on a minute do you have diabetes?’ And when I told him no I could tell he was pissed at whoever put me on the diet

Like is it so hard to look at my chart and see there is no mention of diabetes and just believe it or god forbid even ASK before you try and kill me first

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I told my girlfriend to lose weight?

Okay, so that sounds horrific, but bear with me.

To be clear, I (23M) could not care less what weight she (27F) is or what she looks like. I love this woman with my whole heart and none of it is about her appearance. We’re pretty much engaged in all but name, the only reason it’s not official is because we don’t have money to even think of weddings right now, and I plan to spend the rest of my life with her.

Thing is, she’s obese. Like, medically, not in a derogatory sense. This is massively affecting her health. She’s constantly out of breath, constantly in pain, constantly struggling, and it’s leading to other conditions such as sleep apnea. She thinks she has asthma because she’s always struggling to breathe, but I’m 95% sure it just comes down to weight and her doctor has said the same, but she tends to write it off as doctors being fatphobic.

Much of this is due to the fact that she used to struggle with binge-eating disorder. She no longer binge eats, but she does overeat in general because her body is so accustomed to constant food, so she gets painfully hungry and dizzy after 2-3 hours of not eating.

I’ve tried to encourage her to exercise with me, diet with me, count calories etc., but she gives up super easy when she doesn’t see immediately results. She also says herself that she finds it very difficult to see herself accurately - she has the reverse of “typical” body dysmorphia, where she sees herself as thinner than she is, so she genuinely sees herself as thin or like slightly curvy. (To be clear, she is very visibly obese, people comment on this often, and while I’ll be the first to go fists up if someone’s a dick to her about it as people have been I also am genuinely worried about her health.) Because of that she has no motivation to lose the weight because she just doesn’t see it. It’s bad enough that she’s been told by doctors she WILL likely struggle later in life with heart failure, diabetes etc if she doesn’t lose weight, yet her POV is more, “It can’t be that bad because I’m not that big so I don’t need to worry about it”. She has occasional reality checks, most recently she put her measurements into some site that shows an image of what you look like from a third person perspective, and she was completely shocked like “I can’t look like that. Do I? This is a wake up call”, but days later it’s completely lost and she’s back to saying she’s not that big again.

She wants kids with me, and I just absolutely do not want to commit to having children with her when I know there’s a not-insignificant chance she’ll have serious health issues in the future that could mean she’s not with us for as long as she could be. Both for the kids’ sake, and selfishly because I want her around! I don’t want to think about something happening to her earlier in life and being without her.

But I just don’t know what to do. Gently suggesting it hasn’t worked, saying I’m worried about her health hasn’t worked, saying I don’t want kids until she’s healthy hasn’t worked (even if she’s still overweight I really don’t care as long as she’s not in a “danger zone” y’know?), trying to meal plan with her hasn’t worked, trying to get her to keep track of calories hasn’t worked, trying to exercise with her hasn’t worked.

People I’ve asked in the past have told me to be firm about it, but I’m incredibly reluctant to do that - I struggled with anorexia for most of my teenage and adult life and I know how deep it can cut to have your weight criticised or commented on. I don’t want to be that dick who basically calls someone I love very much unhealthy and fat and tells her to lose weight or no kids or some horrible shit like that.

But I just. Can’t work out what to do. She does express a willingness to lose weight, she says she wants to, she just doesn’t have that motivation to do it. I don’t know what else we can try.

AITA for focusing on this in the first place? Like am I actually just being fatphobic, or is my own past with EDs influencing my thinking? Am I going about it all wrong? Should I just accept it as something that’ll be a potential issue in future and deal with it then or am I fair to worry about it early on?

What are these acronyms?

[dira333]

Away from home - Oikawa x reader

Follower Celebration Request

A/N: Since I had quite some trouble characterizing him, I'd appreciate it if you told me how well I've managed

Your last roommate had been less difficult.

Granted, he’d only been on the lease for a month before he moved out again, and even then, you barely saw him. 

But this guy is different. He’s been overly charming during the interview, to the point that it made you suspicious. Who flirts that much over a simple room? Especially when it had already been clear that he got it?

Oikawa Tooru is tall, good-looking, and aware of it. He’s also your roommate of one day and is already going on your nerves.

“The laundry.” You’re standing in the doorway to his room, laundry basket heavy on your hip. “You need to put it away when it’s done or I can’t use the washer.”

“Oh, I was going to do-” Tooru scrambles up from his bed where he’d been watching something on his laptop, his ridiculously floppy hair bouncing as he moves. He’s like a walking shampoo ad.

“Yeah, now.” You put the laundry basket down. “And I need it in half an hour when my load is done.”

“Sure thing, honeycup.”

“Don’t call me that.”

You had wondered, for about half a minute, how he was dealing with the culture shock that was Argentina. It had been tough for you, coming from America, but it had to be worse for him. You still remember how he blushed when you casually used his first name - like you were used to doing - before realizing that that’s not really a thing in Japan. 

Was he as homesick as you? Did he miss familiar sights, the simple things like being able to get your favorite brand of chocolate in the nearby store instead of having to find a specialty shop and paying an arm and a leg for it? 

You wanted to ask, kind of, until you walked back to his room thirty minutes later only to find your laundry basket still filled with wet clothing.

“Are you serious?” You ask. He looks up from his laptop, brows furrowed.

“What?” He asks.

“The laundry. I told you I need the basket.” 

“I was going to-”

You grab the basket, lift it up, and turn it over, watching with a sick kind of satisfaction as it drops heavily on his bed - and partly on him too. 

“I’m not your mom.” You remind him and storm out of his room before you can lose your temper even more.

-

A week later you’ve learned a few things about Tooru.

One, he needs longer in the bathroom than you. Especially in the mornings when you really have to pee.

Two, he has the worst diet you’ve ever seen and you lived with your diabetic grandfather until you moved here. How can he survive on coffee and Tortas Fritas and still look like someone cut him from marble a few hours ago?

Three, he never seems to sleep. Twice you’ve got up in the wee hours of the morning because your bladder insisted on it, only to find him up, watching sports on his laptop like a maniac.

Four, he owns at least five pairs of Alien-themed loungewear. That you know because he keeps forgetting to put his laundry away.

Which brings you to the fifth thing you’ve learned about him. He never, ever, ever puts his laundry away.

It’s a miracle he even knows how to start a washing cycle. But as soon as he presses the button he seems to forget that the machine even exists until you put the laundry basket in his room and insist that he hangs his clothes to dry. When you come back around and find that he hasn’t done that, you can either hang it up yourself to avoid the smell or nag him until he does it. Which in turn will lead to you nagging him about taking down the dry clothes. You suspect he just picks them from the clothes line whenever he needs to wear them, entirely foregoing his closet.

And you should be above this. He’s your roommate, not your friend. He’s a stranger and not part of your family. He’s not even a child, even though he acts like one. So even if you’re studying pediatric medicine, that does not mean you have to throw yourself in front of every man-toddler who seems to need your help.

But he does. And you cannot make yourself stop caring.

-

“Listen up, Buttercup.” You start the moment the door clicks shut behind him.

“Oh?” He asks, voice hopeful. The smile slips from his lips the moment he sees you.

Your hair is pushed away from your face thanks to the most ridiculous headband you own - it has two plush black crows sown onto both sides instead of cat ears because your little brother had both a sowing and a crow phase at the same time. You hold your spatula like a sword and point it at him.

“We’re cooking today.”

“I don’t need-”

“You cannot live by Tortas Fritas any longer.” You declare. “My medical degree will not allow it.”

“You don’t have a medical degree yet.”

“And you’re not Karch Kiraly but you sure act like him.”

That makes him perk up. “You know Karch Kiraly?” 

“Who doesn’t?” You throw an apron at him. “Get dressed.”

“Do I have to?”

“Do you want to ruin your clothes?”

He makes a face like he’s hurting. “It’s just… it has crows on it.”

“Yes, my brother made it. You can use your own apron if you cannot handle some cute crows.”

The hurt look intensifies but he wraps it around his body, fiddles with the strings.

“You’re hopeless.” You step behind him and tie it closed, making sure to pull it extra tight as punishment for last week's actions.

“Do you have any allergies? Sensory issues?”

“I don’t like slimy food.”

“Well, you’re in luck, we’re not making slime today.”

-

Tooru is, surprisingly enough, not a fool in the kitchen. He knows how to cut vegetables without hurting himself and he manages not to burn anything. 

But he talks. A lot.

His English is as good as your Japanese is rusty. His accent is kinda cute, but you choose to ignore that. His Spanish is downright criminal and you have to remind yourself of his awful laundry behaviors to keep from swooning every time he points at something and names it in Spanish.

“You’re very adamant.” You point out. “Your Spanish is good, you could probably slack off a day or two.”

The look he gives you has you shivering.

“Why should I slack off?” He asks. “What do I gain from that? Do you know how hard it is to get rid of your accent?”

There’s an intensity to his voice that makes you take a step back only to bump into the table behind you.

He stops, freezes, and for some inexplicable reason - ducks his head.

You stand there for a second, speechless and confused until he seems to realize that whatever he was waiting for isn’t coming. When he straightens up again, sadness washes over his face and you know that look - it’s Homesickness.

“Who are you missing right now?”

“Iwa-chan.” He turns around to flip the frittata. “He’s my best friend.”

“Did he ruffle your hair?” You ask, “Is that why you ducked your head?”

“No.” He laughs, still not facing you. It must be easier for him to be open like this when he’s not looking at you. “He’d throw Volleyballs at my head when I was misbehaving. I’m sorry, by the way. I didn’t want to scare you.”

“Like you could scare me.” You joke, trying to downplay the effect he really had on you.

“Oh, I can be scary when I want to be, don’t you try me.” He turns this time, but the smile on his face ruins the joke. You like him more when he’s honest instead of charming.

“So that Iwa-chan.” You move to plate the food. “He’s your mom? Mom-Friend? Did he also make sure you did your laundry and went to bed early and ate healthy?”

It’s more meant as a joke than a real question and you falter when you realize that you hit the nail on the head. 

Tooru seems to fold under your question. 

“Yes.” He pouts. “I thought… Well…” He grips the edge of the sink, stares out the window instead of facing you. “The team I play for offers housing. I had a nice apartment all to myself.”

“But you need the reinforcement of a second person to actually get your life together?”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t even sound ashamed about it.

You step forward, as close to him as you dare. When he turns, you level him with a glare, stick your pointer finger into his ridiculous buff chest. 

“You listen to me, you little shit. I am not your mother and I am not your Iwa-chan. I will not run after you and remind you to eat and take a shit and go to sleep. You are more than capable of doing it yourself.”

He opens his mouth to answer but you’re not done yet.

“If I catch you with another Tortas Fritas this month, I’ll whoop your ass.”

Tooru smiles so bright you can see a dimple forming. “Is that a promise?”

“Eat.” You turn away before he can see how flustered that comment made you.

-

Two days later you find him in the kitchen, making a ridiculous show of it as if he’s there to film an ad for an apron instead of cooking.

He’s bought an apron for himself. Something told you he wanted to buy an alien-themed one but couldn’t find one.

Should you tell him that Godzilla isn’t an alien? He seems pretty happy about the little guy destroying cities on the flimsy fabric.

It’s been a rough day for you. Both your period and your work studies have you rubbed raw. You want to crawl into bed, not think about the boy that came in today, the one who reminds you too much of your little brother.

“Hey, am I doing this right?” Tooru calls after you as you make your way to your bedroom to unload your stuff.

“For sure.” You croak out, half turned to look at him. 

There’s something in his smile that makes it look wobbly. Not for the first time you wonder if he’s just as homesick as you are. You drop your bag on the floor in front of your bedroom door and walk back to the kitchen.

“What are you making?”

“Curry.” He waves his spoon around like he’s a magician instead of a cook. “My mother’s recipe.”

“Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever tried Japanese Curry. Can I try?”

“Of course.” Tooru grins proudly. “I made enough for both of us. And there will be leftovers.”

“That’s neat. What’s the special ingredient?”

“No special ingredient. It’s a basic recipe, I can teach you if you want.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.” You lean against the sink, surprised when he pulls something from the fridge. 

“Iced coffee. Thought you might like one when you get home.”

“You’re a godsend.” You groan and take the first sip. You’re not sure what’s more effective at waking you up, the caffeine or the coolness of the drink against the heat of all of Argentina.

“You shouldn’t drink that much coffee.” He points out when you’re halfway done with the drink.

“You shouldn’t tell me what to do.”

“You could sleep more.”

“I will when you do it too.”

He looks up, a grin on his face that speaks of danger. “Deal.”

“What?”

“Bedtime for both of us. Does ten sound okay?”

“You’ll never be able to get to bed at ten. Don’t you have to bingewatch sports for five hours at night to feel complete?”

“Ouch. I’m just doing research.”

“Mhm, or you have a fetish.”

He laughs at that, loud and carefree. You like him like this.

“Tell me about your mom.” It sounds a little too harsh, but he doesn’t seem to mind that you’re demanding instead of asking.

He looks different when he speaks of his family. Younger and taller, both at the same time. Like he allows himself to be vulnerable and grows above himself through that. 

You wonder how he could ever think that his fake smile could work on women when his real smile is this attractive.

-

Days turn into weeks, into months.

Tooru is now the crowned king of the kitchen - after a few too many cooking battles that you’ve all sorely lost. It’s not that he doesn’t know how to cook, he just needs a reason to do so. He jokes it’s the smile on your face when you eat, but you don’t want to believe that.

It holds too many implications to believe it.

In turn, you’ve taken up all laundry duties. It’s a good system and you don’t have to nag him anymore. If he doesn’t put his dirty laundry out on Tuesdays, he will go without clean clothes for another week. Enforcing that rule has already gotten you plenty of pictures to use for blackmail, your favorite the one of him in a bright pink jumpsuit he was supposed to bring a friend. Pink suits his flustered face.

-

Iwa-chan is coming today. He’d told you about it weeks in advance when his friend booked the flight.Tooru has been like a headless chicken ever since and you’re happy for him, you really are, but there’s also a pang of jealousy. Why can’t your family take the time to visit you?

You know why, but it still hurts that you’re going to have to watch him be happy, pushed to the side in favor of his new friend.

“Hey.” He stops by your door, throws himself into a ridiculous pose like he always does and grins when you can’t help but roll your eyes. “I’m leaving in five minutes. Are you ready?”

You furrow your brows. “Ready for what? I told you you have to clean the apartment, he’s your guest.”

“No, to come with me, silly. I can’t go into the madness of an airport alone! What if someone recognizes me?”

“Well, they might do as a favor and kidnap you.” You joke and watch him pout. It’s ridiculous how cute that makes him look.

“Take that back.” Tooru whines and you laugh. “Never.

“Take that back!” He repeats, taking one step, then two, only to drop himself on you.

You shriek in surprise at the sudden weight, try to wiggle away but his face is so close, grinning from ear to ear, his eyes full of light.

You don’t really know who moved closer first. You, him, both of you? 

But your lips meet and your eyes close and it’s just him and you and your joined breath and the softness of his lips, his weight on you and your hands in his ridiculous fluffy hair.

You don’t speak for a while, don’t need too. Exploring this is more important.

Eventually he pulls away to press his temple against yours, to squint into his eyes.

“You like me?” He asks, voice uncharacterally shy. 

“I hate you.” You tease and move for his lips again. He pouts.

“Don’t tell anyone.” You whisper against his lips. “Okay? Don’t tell, Tooru.”

“Just Iwa-chan.” He whispers back, caught in the feeling of it. “He’ll be able to guess it anyway."

You giggle against his lips, kiss him again, once, twice, until you can feel yourself getting lost in it again. But there’s a thought nibbling at the edge of your brain now and it gets louder.

“Tooru?” You ask when you pull back again. “Shouldn’t we leave for the airport?”

His eyes widen comically as he whips his head around to look at your alarm clock.

“Shit! He’s going to be so mad!”

-

Iwa-chan is a monument of muscle, a building of a man. He’s not that tall, at least not taller than Tooru, but he’s impressive in his sturdiness, arms folded in front of his chest as he glowers at Tooru.

Tooru seems totally unimpressed by that, even as you drag your feet, a little scared of his friend. 

“Iwa-chaaaan!” He sings, drapes himself over his friend's shoulder. “I missed you!”

“Clearly you didn’t! You’re half an hour late!”

“It’s not my fault.” Tooru smiles coyly, pulling you close by the hand he’d been holding since you exited his car. “Can you blame me? I got distracted by beauty!”

“I…” You stumble. “I’m sorry. This time it really is my fault. But I kicked his ass on the way here.”

Iwa-chan’s lips quirk up into a hint of a smile.

“Good. I’ll leave the rest of the ass-kicking to you.”

You salute him, which has Tooru whining like a child and begging for mercy.

You pull at his ear, just enough to tease him. 

“Come on.” You tell him. “You need to show Iwa-chan how well you cleaned your apartment.”

-

Tagging anyone who helped me - it was much appreciated:

@alienaiver @misfit-megumi @missalienqueen @amecchii @notsochillnerd @ur-local-simp @krishnaabhistha @fuzztacular

Hope I didn't forget anyone. If I did, forgive me!

my Kofi if you want to tip me

[cheetahspy]

Ledger!Joker x Diabetic Reader Headcanons

Warnings: Medical stuff, needles/injections (it’s not very descriptive though), slight NSFW mention (labeled at the bottom)

A/N: Heya! I’ve never posted something like this before haha…Kinda new to it and very nervous so don’t judge me too harshly. I actually write quite often but rarely post it, however I really wanna start trying to put my work out there more. Keyword try. 

Anyway, fun fact about me, I have T1 diabetes. I haven't seen anything about that with J so I decided to make my own headcanons and such :) Sooooo here’s that lol…enjoy??

You had been diagnosed with T1 diabetes three years ago. You hated it. The needles, the upkeep, the blood, the appointments. It’s scary, a living nightmare for you.

You were still in your…adjusting phase, and didn’t like talking about your diabetes to anyone. Joker was no exception

So, naturally, J took matters into his own hands and did his own research, learning as much as he could about diabetes (without you knowing, of course). How it works, the high and low blood sugar levels, how to manage it, he even figured out how the insulin pump that you have operates. 

You were shocked the day he offered to change the infusion set for you and knowing how to do so. He ignored you when you asked him how he knew.

You were hesitant but quick to give in and let him inject the cannula into your stomach. He hugged you from behind as he did so; you melted into his touch and your fears were comforted. From that day on you opened up more and more about your medical life to J and allowed his help. 

He enjoys being the one to inject the cannula and dexcom, however he still forces you to do it yourself at times, as to make sure you aren’t getting too used to being dependent on someone else. You’re a strong and brave bunny, he wants to remind you of that. 

He will tease you about your dexcom and infusion sets, saying you must be part machine. 

“I’m uh, still convinced you’re a cyborg.” “J!!”

He also forces you to stay on a healthy diet and keeps track of your sugar intake carefully. He’s definitely not a hypocrite. He rarely lets you eat junk food, even though you’re allowed to and tried explaining that to him

“The doctors told me it’s okay if I eat sugar now and then, as long as I have the insulin for it. It’s the sugary drinks I need to avoid more.” 

J doesn’t buy it, nor does he trust your doctor's input. “Mmm. Nuh uh. Can’T have my little bunny go falling into a coma, hm?” You know he’s just concerned about you (even if he’d never outright admit it), so overtime you stopped arguing with him and avoided junk food to ease his mind. Just don’t let him catch you eating it behind his back.

J absentmindedly fidgets with your insulin tube. Rubbing along it, flicking it around, twirling it around his finger, even constantly feeling the cannula end of it against your stomach as if to reassure himself you that it’s still on and doing its job. Don’t worry, he’s only accidentally ripped it out once or twice, and he certainly makes it up to you when that happens. 

Having a low, but forgot sugar to combat it? Not to worry! Joker keeps a juice box or two in his suit juuuust for you. He’s even stacked packages of juices in your pantry so you’ll have plenty. (Don’t ask whether he bought or stole them, you already know the answer)

The low blood sugar episodes hit you hard, but you’ve found curling up on J’s lap and cuddling against his chest while sipping on juice is very comforting. He’ll stroke your hair and rub your back, holding you closer whenever you shake and cry.

“Shhhh sh sh sh. It’s nothin’ you haven’t beaten before. It’ll pass, angel.” 

You hate looking at your stomach and seeing the previous holes and scars from constant injections. J will run his thumb over them and kiss each of them to comfort you. 

Whenever you have a headache or any symptoms, J will immediately interrogate you about your blood sugar level

“Not every pain I get is caused by my diabetes.”

“Shuuuuush. What’re levels right now? Let me uh, lemme see your pum-p. Give. Right. Now.” 

If you’re low on insulin and the pharmacist is late to sending you new vials, J will meet with them personally to have a little chat. 

He’ll then come home and plop the bag of new vials theatrically down on the counter. “Tadaaaa! More insulin for my sweet little sugar cube.”

“Oh, thank you J! Wow, they gave me a lot this time…” 

NSFW:

During the ✨devils tango✨, J will occasionally rip the cannula out by accident. He’ll immediately put a pin in your lovemaking session to get you a new one. Even if you insist you could go an hour or two without it, he’s not taking any chances. After all, where’s the fun in sex if your partner is dying from a seizure??

“J, I promise it’s okay! We don’t have to sto-”

“Now now gumdrop. I know you’re, heh, eager for me, but my patient needs her medicine first.” 

You’re grateful you don’t have to deal with your disability alone anymore. Who knew the Clown Prince of Crime could be such a good caretaker?

[semperreformanda]

life update

last june my boss let me go for “not being a good fit”

it didn’t take me long to put two and two together and realize that the big reason was because of my pregnancy. and the biggest support to this theory was he talked negatively about a coworker (who was in the company for 6+ years) who got pregnant, saying stuff like “I don’t want her back … I already know how it goes when employees get pregnant, they’ll start calling out … I don’t want to deal with that” he would say all that stuff to me and others behind her back so I knew I was only gonna stick around to save some $$$ and use the insurance as much as I could

(oh and she was forced to resign bc they literally did not want her there anymore 🙃)

but when it finally happened it drove me in anxiety and anger because I had relied on the insurance especially bc I AM PREGNANT

yes it is illegal yes I should have reported it but I had no energy to do anything

but God reminded me through it all that He provides and He does! and so silly of me to think He could provide for my greatest need (my salvation through Christ) but not provide for our little earthly needs

another reason I was annoyed was I was already planning to quit but they beat me to it 😂 but that was honestly the worst company I’ve ever worked for. I could not deal with the constant disrespect and the yelling and the cussing and their questionable ethics

they stole an engineer’s professional seal and stamp it on their projects WITHOUT HIS APPROVAL meaning all projects are “approved” 🥴 this was the last straw for me bc imagine all the hazards

anyways… that was almost 3 months ago and I honestly feel so relieved to not be working there anymore. I spent too many times feeling so incredibly stressed out and then even more stressed out that I may be hurting the baby from it

speaking of… I am already 27 weeks pregnant today 😭 I remember when I first saw that faint line and thought I was hallucinating things. we tried for months only with a stark white test every month, so seeing a shadow of a line sent chills down my spine. and 27 weeks later my little bubba has gotten so big and active 😭 I love him so much

like it’s so crazy how he’s so close to me but also so far it’s like a long distance relationship 🥴💀

also learned a lot about gestational diabetes bc my hypochondriac brain was convinced I HAD IT

apparently it’s not due to your diet and you can’t even cause it. shocking how this is not widespread knowledge, because so many moms feel guilty for failing their baby when they’re diagnosed but in reality it is mostly your placenta being a jerk 😭

so for the past few days when I got the call that I failed my 1 hour I acted like I had gestational diabetes 😭 became very picky with what I ate, which is hard bc my culture loves rice 😭 and I took 10 min walks after meals

all I could think about was my blood sugars spiking and how I needed to bring it down 💀

also I had to fast for at least 8 hours before I could do my 3 hour glucose test which was honestly so hard bc if you’ve been pregnant you know the pregnancy hunger pangs!!! I cried after my test because I was anxious about having GD and also I felt so bad for my baby 😭😭 like I starved him 😂 even though I know he’s fine in there because placenta n all dat

anyways I just wanted to let you guys in on that bc why not and also I’m bored and drinking chai while my husband works besides me 🙂🤠

[schizodiaries]

I’ve haven’t really opened up about this on this blog because it isn’t schizoaffective related. But I hope you all don’t mind that I vent a bit about this. In addition to mood and psychotic issues, I also struggle a lot with body image and poor eating habits. It’s apparently not severe enough to be considered an eating disorder, but it’s pretty heavily influenced by decades of diet mentality and internalized fatphobia.

(More under the cut, but I’m putting a content warning for mentions of weight and dieting, as well as potential disordered eating habits.)

I’m overweight. In fact, on my medical records, it says I’m obese according to my BMI. It wasn’t always that way. I used to be quite thin, maybe even underweight. But ever since the pandemic/lockdown, and ever since taking antipsychotics, my weight changed rapidly and dramatically.

I’m trying not to see this as a bad thing, but fatphobia is not easily unlearned especially if it’s been instilled at such a young age. Not only that, but because my weight change happened so suddenly, it came with some health issues. Prediabetes, for one, and some mobility issues too. Being at a heavier weight so suddenly has put so much strain on my legs, feet, and lower back, and walking up and down the stairs has become painful and a struggle for me. I can’t move around, turn my body, or bend over as easily as I used to, and it’s causing me a lot of stress physically and mentally.

Now for the social aspect. As we all know being fat is looked down upon in society. Especially in female bodies. I was already aware of the insanely fatphobic standards that women are often held to but I haven’t been on the receiving end of that until now. I have also gotten so many hurtful comments from family members and people close to me about my weight. The worst one I got was from an older, non English speaking relative who wouldn’t even call me fat to my face. She had to say it in her native tongue and direct it to my parents, while I was clearly in the room. What she doesn’t know is that though I don’t speak my family’s language, I can understand just enough to know when someone is saying “Jesus, she got fat!”

That encounter was the last straw for me. I knew at that point I needed to lose weight, by any means necessary. I put myself on countless diets, tried intermittent fasting, dusted off my fitness watch, forced myself to go on walks despite the pain, weighed myself multiple times a day, and started counting calories. At first, it worked, and I started to see some weight change. My mom commented that i was “getting my figure back.” I was being praised for all my work. But the process was slow. And it wasn’t enough, for anyone. Not my parents, not my doctor, not me.

I gained all the weight back and then some because my heavily restrictive eating habits came back to bite me in the ass and I was so hungry to the point of overeating to compensate for the lack of food. I got burnt out from exercise and became sedentary. My plan had failed, and I am now at my highest weight I’ve ever been. My doctor put me on Metformin, a medication typically prescribed to treat diabetes and PCOS. But it can also cause weight loss. My doctor strongly suggested i take the medicine, and even lamented my thinness on my behalf. In her words, “You used to be so skinny!” I am now at the highest dose of this medicine, which has given me gastrointestinal issues, and I still have not noticed a change in my weight.

I’m trying my best to keep a positive mindset about this. I’m trying to stay body positive, to love and accept my bigger body, and to embrace my change in weight as just another part of getting older. But it’s so difficult. My struggle to move my body like I used to, the nonstop comments I get from family members and healthcare professionals, the fact that I keep outgrowing every new clothing item I buy for myself and having to buy new ones every few months. It’s making me depressed, and angry.

I’ve reached out to my therapist already, who referred me to an eating disorder specialist who subsequently determined that I don’t have an eating disorder. They then referred me to a dietician, where I learned about consistent and balanced eating. I attended webinars about eating skills, body image, and rejecting the diet mentality. I’ve put in the effort to fix my relationship with food and body image. And I’ve certainly made a lot of progress in that regard. But I’m still fat. And the people in my life make it a point to remind me of that frequently.

Today I spoke to my mom about the pain in my lower body. She offered little to no sympathy, and told me to just lose weight and it will go away. She later sent me an Instagram reel about water fasting. I know she’s just trying to help, but i think this hurt more than it helped. The instagram reel I found to be particularly triggering, as now I am highly considering doing a water fast to lose weight.

The only person closest to me who hasn’t made any kind of negative comment about my heavier weight is my boyfriend. He has consistently been my biggest supporter throughout my weight journey. Except for when I relapse. Whenever he catches me restricting or starving or skipping meals, he expresses disappointment and accuses me of “giving up” and “not trying hard enough” to recover. Which is a huge slap in the face considering I’ve been putting so much effort into changing my relationship with food - seeing a dietitian every month, reaching out to an ED specialist, attending webinars about food and body positivity. But apparently, to him, if I relapse at any point, then all that effort would have been for nothing.

So I don’t know what to do anymore. If I try to accept and love my bigger body, my weight stays the same, and I’m bombarded with comments about my body. If I decide to do something about it and end up relapsing, I’m scolded by my boyfriend for “giving up” and “not trying hard enough.” If I reach out to doctors or family members about my weight they just tell me to lose it. But if I try to lose it, I fall back into unhealthy habits. I’m in a real damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.

It’s hard for me to say what I really want to do without feeling like I’m promoting unhealthy habits. So I will just keep it to myself and hope that my efforts will have some results. Until then, I think I’m going to do things on my own terms and not listen to what any family member or medical professional has to say about my body and relationship with food. I’m going to do what I think feels right to me and my body. And I’ll do it by whatever means necessary.

[certifiedceliac]

“Developing a food allergy/intolerance/restriction as an adult is very hard and everyone's process in adjusting is different. Even if you feel like things won't get better, it will become more normal, and you will be ok. I promise I promise I promise.”

I have a question. How long should it take for things to feel more normal? Maybe I have a few things conspiring against me, but I just can’t feel normal. I was diagnosed with celiac without ever having symptoms (or at least without having symptoms I ever tied to consuming gluten). I was so skeptical when I got the call from the doctor that I laughed. The reason I was tested was as part of diagnostic work up for type 1 diabetes diagnosis that landed me in the ICU at age 35. My DGA and TTG were through the roof but I was very skeptical. I’d been eating bread every single day! The endoscopy came back as Marsh 3C so I started coming to terms with the fact that I was, indeed, in danger.

That traumatic series of diagnoses was all in summer of 2020. I’ve had to use insulin, started eating low carb, and have been avoiding gluten. The first two I got used to. The gluten avoidance through is honestly the one bothering me more. The fact that I can’t really eat out anymore, not without worrying a lot, because even if the place has a gluten free menu or markings, restaurants have been in a pinch since Covid and have taken a lot of shortcuts. I don’t really eat at friend’s houses. I don’t want to go traveling to places where I can’t know for sure that I’ll be able to find gluten free food. It’s just been miserable, I’ve been waiting for it to get more normal, but isn’t 3 years a long time?

I’m paranoid because I don’t have symptoms (I don’t know what it feels like to get glutened) but my antibodies have plateaued above the normal range and I can’t seem to get them to go lower. I’m sick and tired of having my world feel so small because I can’t eat most food. It doesn’t feel like it’s getting more normal, it feels worse and worse as the world slowly goes back to pre-lockdown socially while it feels like I’m the only left in food lockdown.

Thanks for any advice :(

Gosh that sounds like a ride and a half. I'm so sorry that your journey so far has had so many challenges. My answer is a little lengthy, so I'm putting it under a break.

To answer your question anon, it's really something that just depends. In my case, I was initially diagnosed with celiac in 2014. At the time I was also dealing with diagnosis and removal of a pituitary tumor, so because of that I kind of treated celiac as an afterthought--I already felt terrible in a million other ways, so I was pretty lax the change. I wasn't really given any education on how to adjust my diet or eating habits, or the risks associated with continuing to eat gluten. I sought a second opinion from a doctor that ended up knowing jack about celiac disease, and was given an IBS diagnosis instead (because I'd been eating GF for a year, they found no damage to my intestines, and I wasn't eating gluten at the time). From 2015 to 2020 I was back on eating gluten, but after I started having severe symptoms (again) I was rediagnosed by another (much better) GI team.

I have a few additional problems now because of the untreated celiac that I probably wouldn't have had I been better educated the first time around, and I'm pretty bitter about that sometimes. But I've also been very lucky to have such a good support network of people that understand and care about me, and that makes a lot of difference.

What I'm trying to say is that, while it will get better, it doesn't always feel like it. There are days that I really struggle with anxiety around eating in front of others, frustration over the lack of convienence, and the feeling of exclusion (or at least seperation) from meals with family, friends, and coworkers. I relate to you with the lack of symptoms--I've only been truly glutened once to my knowledge, but additional GI issues I have always have me on high alert. I'm also currently dealing with unexplained elevated TTG/IGA levels, despite being extremely strict nowadays.

Doing my own research and starting this blog really helped me to focus on the things I can do rather than the things I can't. I also just kind of brute force my way through things that gave me anxiety before, like taking my food with me to friends' houses or restaurants. I've been through so much, I no longer care what people think lmao

Basically your mileage is going to vary. I wouldn't say that these things have a set timeline, and I personally think the mental part of dealing with a diagnosis like celiac takes twice as long to heal from compared to the physical part. It sounds like you're struggling especially hard with feelings of loss and detachment. That's not uncommon, but you may benefit from talking about all of this with a therapist, or just reaching out to a friend to say you're struggling.

Give yourself credit--you've gotten so far from where you were. And remember, even if you feel isolated, you're not dealing with this alone.

[suffrajett]

I have been living this and it’s so frustrating

So I have had multiple people in my family die from complications due to diabetes type 2 . It runs in my family. Grandpa had no legs by the end. Dad died from kidney and heart failure. Uncle is still alive but has had strokes after his blood sugar went crazy and nearly died.

I have pcos which also makes me more disposed to having it, so I have had to take a lot of precautions and it is so annoying how cautious I have to be with food and exercise etc

What helps you get diabetes if you’re already genetically disposed:

Eating lots of high glycemic index foods frequently- the body is struggling to handle those sugars. It’s better to stick to lower glycemic index foods for the majority of meals and snacks, and pair complex carbs with some lean proteins. High glycemic index foods should be a ‘sometimes’ thing.

Eating a lot of high fat foods frequently can also not be too great. It increases glucose concentrations.

Drinking a lot frequently. It puts stress on soooo many organs. At first when having a little of alcohol it can raise sugar levels, but lots of it can even descrease them. This can lead to glucose homeostasis, and also alcohol can mess up your pancreas (organ that makes insulin.) if you mess up the liver or heart or kidneys and have hyperlipidemia or blood flow issues or kidney issues that can also make your most more prone to insulin resistance.

Fat stores being consistently high. It is so fucking unfair that it’s this circle of ‘but being a bit insulin resistant makes you fat, which then makes you even more prone to insulin resistance!’ But that’s just how it goes. I get it- I have pcos so I gain weight and fat super easily and getting rid of that excess fat is harder for me - even with diet and exercise my body just naturally wants to be more fat than other peoples bodies and it is so infuriating sometimes. Higher fat interferes with glucose being used up by muscles, lipid accumulation in the liver which can impair insulin signaling, can make blood flow and glucose use in muscles not as efficient etc. when there is a lot of of fat around the organs they can run as efficiently and this can help a cascade effect through the body where multiple organs and areas of the body can’t as efficiently do its duty with glucose and insulin, have bad flow, can’t create certain enzymes as well etc. and generally impaires insulin resistance.

Being sedentary, and more specifically when doing any of the above. The body needs to work out, have good blood flow etc. It helps the muscles use insulin more and increases insulin sensitivity. Moderate more long form exercise like hiking can be a good choice if you’re already having glucose issues- large random spikes of activity can raise your blood sugar by making it harder for your muscle cells to use insulin and if you’re tearing muscles up your muscle cells can’t use insulin well, and that will boost your blood sugar. but more longform moderate exercise can be a perfect fit because the muscles can use up the glucose so much better. Basically being consistent with your body and moving it more is good for you

So no there isn’t a one for one ‘do This and you will definitely give you diabetes!’ BUT there IS a huge correlation between many things making it more likely. Being a fat person doesn’t automatically make you more prone to being diabetic if you don’t have family history there, but it can increase those chances. But yeah if you have family history you’re probably already genetically predisposed to being naturally fatter and insulin resistance will be something you have to watch for and you probably have to take more steps to make sure all the other underlying stuff like lifestyle diet and exercise are going as well as you can manage so you don’t develop it. It’s like people who have a history of heart and stroke issues in their family needing to be more vigilant about drinking and smoking and diet.

We’re dealt certain genetic cards and have to do what we can with them to mitigate diseases and conditions developing the best we can.

People who thinks ALL fat people are gonna be diabetic are just super ignorant about genetics diabetes and things in general

fatphobia and ableism is so insidious. You can look up like, food, and it'll say "eating a lot of food causes diabetes" and you're like oh dang what? I thought we didn't know the cause of diabetes. So you look up what causes diabetes and it says "we still don't know what causes diabetes" bruh they're just making shit up to give people eating disorders

[frogsister87]

When is your birthday?
July 6th

When’s the last time you got a bruise? Where?
Not sure 

What is your birthstone?
Ruby

Do you braid your hair?
No 

Do you like babies?
Sure 

Do you have any brothers?
I have one 

What’s your favorite type of bear?
Winnie the Pooh bear 

What’s your favorite book?
Harry potter and the goblet of fire 

Bambi, Brave, or Beauty and the Beast?
Beauty and the Beast 

Favorite breakfast food?
Chocolate chip pancakes 

Do you enjoy bubble baths?
Yes

Do you have any beaded bracelets?
Yes 

Favorite kind of bread?
I don’t know


Do you like men with beards?

Sure 

What kind of beer do you like to drink?
Busch light 

Do you own any boots or belts?
Yeah? 

Do you like bologna?
No 

Do you like going to the beach?
I guess 

Baseball or basketball?
Baseball 

What’s the name of your best friend?
Sierra 

Favorite color out of: blue, black, or brown?
Hmm black

Do you prefer blondes or brunettes? Maybe bald?
Brunettes 

What’s your bra size?
I don’t really even know lol. 

Which types of bugs creep you out?
Centipedes for sure 

Do you have a boyfriend?
Nope 

Favorite kind of bird?
Woodpeckers or bald eagles

What is your favorite color?
Yellow 

What is your favorite type of cookie?
Chocolate chip probably 

What kinds of clothes do you wear? What’s your style?
Pretty laid back 

Last time you cried, and why?
Yesterday, I was having a deep conversation with my friend about the manic episode I had this weekend 

Do you still own any CD’s?
Yeah 

How many cousins do you have?
8 first cousins and lots of other kinds of cousins


What’s your favorite type of cereal?
I don’t think I have a favorite 

Do you prefer crayons or colored pencils?
Colored pencils for sure 

Which is creepiest - caterpillars, cicadas, crickets, centipedes, or cockroaches?
Centipedes but I have no idea what cicadas are 

Who do you care about the most?
My family I suppose 

How do you take your coffee?
Cream and lots of sugar 

What kind of a car do you drive?
A Ford 

Who is your current crush?
That is a complicated question 

What’s your favorite type of candy?
Heath bar 

What’s your favorite card game to play?
9, 19, or 29. It used to be cootie but I never have anyone to play with so I really can’t play that anymore.

What’s your least favorite chore?
Dishes or cleaning the bathroom 

How much time do you spend on the computer?
I’m only ever on a computer at work 

What would you like to do as a career?
Whatever makes me money

What is today’s date?
January 15th… I think? Lol

Have you ever had a dog?
Yeah

Have you ever gone on/been put on a diet?
Yeah

What do you like to drink?
Coke

Have you ever tried to count the spots on a Dalmatians before?
No

What’s your favorite kind of dinosaur?
I’ve never thought about it

What’s your favorite dessert?
Cake

Daffodils, daisies, or dandelions?
Dandelions

How often do you cook your own dinner?

Every night unless I order food


Do you remember your first date?
No 

Have you ever kept a diary?
Yeh 

Are you a daring person? Do you take lots of risks?
Sometimes 

Have you ever filed for divorce?
Yes 

Do you have a doorbell?
Yeah 

Do you ever feel like you are doomed?
Pretty much  

Have you ever smoked dope?
I hate the word “dope” but yes 

Do you ever experience dysphoria?
Yeah 

Which day of the week is your favorite?
Tuesday because it’s my day off 

Do you know anyone who has diabetes?
Yeah 

How many DVD’s do you own?
A lot 

What is your dad’s name?

Kim kid 

Do you like to dance?
Not really 

Do you drive? Do you have your license?
Yes and yes 

Do  you believe in destiny?
No 

Have you ever been dumped before?
In ever “real” relationship I’ve ever had I have actually always done the breaking up


What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done before?
I wouldn’t be able to choose just one thing 

Have you ever dyed your hair before?
Yeah 

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever dressed up as for Halloween?
Hmmm I don’t know 

Do you know how to dab?
Yeah


How often do you go to the doctor or the dentist?
When needed 

How often do you dust your house? Are you allergic to dust?
I don’t know 

What’s the last good deed you’ve done?
I don’t know 

Early to bed or early to rise?
I don’t understand the question


Are you early or late for appointments?
Usually cutting close

Have you ever had an ear infection?
Yep 

Do you go see an eye doctor?
It’s been a while 

How many earrings do you wear?
Up to 3 in each ear 

How often do you exercise? Do you go to a gym or do it on your own?
Lol 

Do you know anyone who is pure evil?
I used to call my ex pure evil


Do you get along with everyone?
For the most part 

Do you have a certain routine that you go through every day?
Yep 

Have you ever felt like you’ve lost everything?
For sure

Elevators or escalators?
I don’t like either but if I had to choose definitely elevators, escalators are scary af 

What do you do in the evening?
Nothing really

Have you ever been evaluated for anything before?
Yeah 

Are you easily exhausted?
Yeah 

Do you like visiting exhibits?
Sure 

Have you ever felt like everybody was talking about you?
Yeah 

If you could erase one mistake from your past, what would it be?
I would really have to think about that one 

When’s the last time you’ve used email? How about sending something through the mail in an actual envelope?
I used my work email today… and a couple weeks ago for actual mail 

Do you dye eggs at Easter time?
I haven’t the last couple of years 

Is the glass half empty or half full?
Recently, half empty 

Have you ever had elbow macaroni before?
Yeah 

Have you ever fractured or dislocated your elbow?
Nope that sounds awful


Do you chew the Extra brand of gum?
Sometimes 

Did you have an Elf on the Shelf growing up?
No I didn’t even know that was a thing until recently 

Is your bedtime closer to eight or eleven?
I don’t have a bed time but I would say I go to bed closer to 8 than 11 

Did you turn eighteen in high school, or afterwards?
Afterwards

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

w last post literally. i got diagnosed w pcos when i was 16 and i was told because i didnt have any visible symptoms i had nothing much to worry about. everytime ive been to the doctor since ive had my feelings on it dismissed, and ive been told because i LOOK healthy that i’m fine and theres nothing they can do except put me on birth control. they can’t give me any kind of medication to help with any symptoms i might experience. 

my first time there i wasn’t given any information on PCOS, they gave me a pamphlet and that was it. like the absolute lack of care or empathy or anything lmfao. i had to find out myself that it could lead to diabetes and cancer. and diabetes already runs in my family so i’m even More likely to get it when i’m older. i didn’t know that pcos was a hormonal imbalance that affects your insulin levels, that it causes inflammation or anything. and half the treatment options recommended for you is to lose weight, but that’s that treatment offered for practically every fucking issue you can have as a woman with a disorder that AFFECTS your weight. and it’s not just oh eat less, don’t have so much sugar or take out. it’s don’t eat red meat, don’t eat bread, don’t eat wraps, don’t eat potatoes, don’t eat gluten, don’t eat dairy, don’t eat anything with a large amount of carbs. which is completely inaccessible for me!!!! 

and maybe some people are totally comfortable with those lifestyle changes but as someone who already has a really really bad relationship with food, it makes eating as a whole so hard and i’ve spent practically the past 10 months every single day thinking about my weight and my body and food and obsessing over it and i thought going into the new year i’d regulate it all by starting to cook more and finding food i enjoy but having all these limits on what i can eat has just completely torn me down. because no i don’t want to eat chicken with every freaking meal i have as a source of protein and i don’t want to eat eggs for breakfast everyday. and is that so fucking bad of me. Diet culture and discussions around food with PCOS make me so unbearably depressed ive spent all day thinking about it and hating myself for not being one of those people who can just suck it up and deal with it. and being sad in general that i have pcos and i have these symptoms and i have to learn to manage them. and its either be upset with my weight forever and risk diabetes which i dont even see the point in trying to prevent when i have all the odds stacked up against me! or be severely depressed w an eating disorder. 

like i can’t say it anywhere for support on it because i know a lot of it would just be like Well suffer then lol. and like You have no discipline etc. like. i Like vegetables dude. I like a lot of things. but oh my god do you know how many fucking recipes i can bear looking at of the same things over and over! and autism already makes it hard enough for me. all i’m saying is i just don’t want to get sick and die of physical illness as much as i don’t want to get sick and die of mental illness. but i feel like no matter what direction i look in Either one is going to happen either way. 

so anyway. i’m just sad that so much of the talk around pcos is weight and diet and exercise oriented. i’m not saying those things don’t contribute, they clearly do. i’m just saying i’m going to have pcos forever and theres nothing i can do to erase it, it’s lifelong. i can do what i can to reduce symptoms if needed, but it’s always going to be there no matter what. and i’m again just so sad that nobody seems to understand my sadness over it. my mother had no thoughts on it when i was diagnosed and my doctors have all been so dismissive about it. i just feel really alone in my struggle lollllllll. 

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (232): Thu 3rd Nov 2022

For the last few months I’ve been experiencing needle-like headaches right in the centre of my forehead and they’ve been incredibly painful. I’ve tried all sorts to try and ameliorate the pain including Chinese herb medications, acupuncture, praying, voodoo spells and meditation but nothing has worked. I’m starting to get desperate now as the pain is becoming unbearable sower week I had to take a risk and rely on my ultimate last resort: I decided to try and make an appointment with a GP. I know a lot of you will think I’m crazy for even trying this but against all odds I actually did get through and they gave me an appointment rather than telling me to ring back in a fortnight or ring 111. I told the GP about the headaches and she says that it doesn’t sound like anything serious but she gave me a prescription for some daft meds that I’ve never heard of so I’ll give them a go. While I was sitting in the doctors office I got a good look at all the “early signs of diabetes” posters and they’ve done the job of scaring me into getting this diet and exercise thing underway because I’m worried that I’m dangerously close to the Big D (not THAT Big D, grow up will you?!).

I was watching Luna today and fuck me she was a brat for some reason. I love my little Princess to death but when she doesn’t get her wash she throws a strop and refuses to be reasoned with. This all happened a because throughout the day she kept putting a hair clip in her mouth and I kept telling her not to incase she swallowed it. I finally had to take it off her and she went into a fucking rage that lasted an hour. Luna means everything to me but I think that constantly being nice to her and letting her get away with murder in her early years might starting to have negative effects on her. A few years ago she seemed to get the idea that as long as she said sorry after doing something bad that this would make the adults forget and she could do it again. I’m going to have to start being a lot more strict with her because I can’t be letting her get away with shit like this any more or she’ll be unbearable when she reaches adolescence.

Rewatched the brilliant Stephen Fry in America. This might be the best travel show I’ve ever seen and of the many things I’m jealous of Fry for (wit, vocabulary, being so damn well read) the fact that he was able to undertake this adventure is definitely the thing that makes me the most envious of him. I could never do this because I don’t have the money but if I finally get around to passing my motorbike test (the proper one not just the CBT) then I could do a diet version of Fry’s adventure by making “Anthony in The UK” where I travel on my trusty bike to every single county in the UK. This would probably cost a lot as well and also no one would care if I did it because I’m not famous but it would still be a cool little adventure. It would also give me an incentive to learn more about the UK in preparation for the trip so that I know the best places to go.

[thenarator]

batten down the hatches kids, because THIS is my supervillain origin story!

i was recently (several months ago) diagnosed with diabetes. it was an extremely traumatic process for me, not at all aided by my doctor, who would only prescribe me a single first-line medication and when that didn’t completely control things told me that i would have to do the rest myself by putting myself on a strict diet to cut out basically all the foods that make life worth living. i have a history of disordered eating though, so i wasn’t about to do that, and i spent many weeks in turmoil and dismay over what the rest of my life was going to look like.

this is, i have been assured, a fairly standard reaction to being diagnosed with diabetes.

then, not being able to deal with my normal doctor anymore, i went to an endocrinologist, and that changed everything.

this woman was so kind and so compassionate i can’t even begin to tell you. she spoke to me calmly and reassuringly about my options, assuring me that there were many medications we could try and telling me the benefits and drawbacks of all of them. eventually we settled on a once-weekly injectable medicine, and she spent a lot of time explaining to me how to give it to myself, how to dispose of the needle, and how safe and easy the process actually was.

she did not, throughout the whole 45 minute appointment, say a word about my diet. she didn’t even tell me to cut out soda, which everyone and their dog had been telling me to do. i could have wept tears of joy at the revelation that i was going to be given medicine for my disease instead of being told it was all my fault and to handle it myself.

the endocrinologist also told me to monitor my blood sugar. this is pretty standard fair for diabetics, and while i had been told by other doctors to monitor my blood sugar, none of them had told me how or prescribed the proper equipment. my angel of an endocrinologist, however, prescribed me a good system and told me i only needed to test my blood sugar once a day, so they could get a baseline of how i was responding to the treatment.

naively, i thought this would be fairly straightforward. i am a diabetic, diabetics need to monitor their blood sugar, there should be no question of my getting the meter.

wrong.

first i got a notice from the pharmacy telling me my insurance didn’t cover this specific brand of system. fine, whatever, bit annoying but i can deal. i called the insurance company and got a list of systems they cover, and passed that along to my endocrinologist so she could prescribe me a different one. weeks pass, but i assumed it just takes a while to get these things done. i got another notice from the pharmacy saying the insurance had denied my claim, because i needed prior authorization. it was pretty cheesed off by this point, because it had been weeks and they were just now telling me this, but i called my endocrinologist and told her she needed to do a prior authorization. another few weeks pass, and we’re creeping closer to the follow-up appointment where i’m supposed to submit the data of all the blood sugar tests i’ve been doing for inspection.

then, i get this.

the insurance completely denied my claim for a blood glucose monitoring system. ANY blood glucose monitoring system. EVEN THE ONES THEY SUPPOSEDLY COVER. i have a formal diagnosis of diabetes, from MULTIPLE DOCTORS, but apparently that isn’t enough to convince them that i need to monitor my blood sugar. and even if i go on insulin, which is a HUGE step up from where i am and is VERY dangerous even taking a little bit at a time, apparently they won’t cover the cost of monitoring my blood sugar until i’m taking THREE SHOTS PER DAY.

THREE.

SHOTS.

PER.

DAY.

you have to have ADVANCED diabetes to be taking that much insulin. you have to be fucking DYING. i’m type 2 as opposed to type 1, type 1 being much more serious from day one, but with type 2 your diabetes has to have gone uncontrolled for YEARS before you get to the point of taking that much insulin per day. you have to be fully dependent on insulin TO SURVIVE.

AND THEY DON’T

EVEN

THINK

I NEED TO BE

M O N I T O R I N G

MY BLOOD SUGAR

UNTIL I GET TO THAT POINT!

this policy will kill people. i feel confident in saying it already has. and because i am entirely dependent on insurance to afford ANY medication to control my diabetes, i am at the mercy of their rulebook.

THIS IS WHAT FOR-PROFIT HEALTHCARE HAS DONE TO US!

this is not freedom. this is not choice. this is a cage closing around us like a death trap. this isn’t just ableism, it’s eugenics, the systematic stamping out of an undesired class of people. this is “give me your money or i’ll shoot you in the head” with barely any extra steps.

UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE NOW!

OR I’LL FUCKING EAT YOU!!!

[wanderinginksplot]

Nobody Listens to Kix

Previous | Next | Masterlist

Case 01386: Gregor

The commando standing in front of him was a miracle�� At least, the closest thing the GAR had to one. CC-5576-39 - or Gregor, as he was known by the men - had been MIA for years. Then, he had been presumed KIA after he caused a series of explosions to distract a Seppie army while a group of droids escaped the distant planet they had all been stuck on.

Sometimes, Kix felt like he was really missing out on the action by being a medic.

The scanner in his hand beeped, indicating that it had finished, and Kix grimaced as he read over the results. Maybe he didn't mind missing out on commando-level action after all.

"Your body is in starvation mode," Kix told Gregor slowly. "You didn't have much to eat while you were stuck on Abafar, did you?"

"No, sir," Gregor admitted softly. "Borkus said I was a burden as it was, that he couldn't afford to keep feeding some human who ate like he was going to starve. He said I had to cut down on how much food I eat in a day."

"Well, for a normal human, that may be true," Kix told him. "But since the Kaminoans engineered us to have a faster metabolism than the nat-borns, we need to consume more calories in a day just to stay healthy."

"So, I'm not healthy?" Gregor frowned, staring down at his hands like he expected them to have wasted away to bones while Kix spoke. "I feel healthy."

"You aren't dying, if that's what you're asking, but we need to make some changes if we want to keep it that way," Kix warned.

"Won't I just be a little more… uhh- slender?"

"No. Not eating enough can lead to a number of problems, mostly with metabolism, but with other parts of the body as well," Kix told him, automatically slipping into lecture mode. "It can also cause diabetes, negatively affect your muscle mass, and even affect the density and porosity of your bones if left untreated for a long enough period of time. After that, major systems start shutting down."

"Oh. So what- what do I do?" Gregor asked haltingly.

"Well," Kix answered slowly, formulating a plan as he spoke. "You and I will work closely together to build a diet plan. You're being held here on a medical leave for the next few weeks, right?"

Gregor grimaced. "Yes. They say I can't be cleared for duty until I regain at least 60% of the muscle mass that I lost while I was on Abafar."

"Perfect. You'll need a lot of high-potassium foods and we'll have to monitor your salt intake, so you're better off here on Coruscant. Nutritional paste and ration packs are only meant to sustain your current physique with minimal loss of mass, so being on a ship wouldn't be in your best interest."

After Gregor indicated his understanding of Kix's explanation with a nod, Kix began working on the rough draft for a meal plan, calculating serving sizes and calorie requirements on the edges of the piece of flimsi. He sketched out a plan for weeks at a time, going as far out as a month and a half before Gregor would be back at full strength.

"When we're done, I'll place the data on a chip and we'll give it to one of the meal preparation droids so it can keep the diet going. I'm only on leave for the next few days, then I ship out for a month," Kix told him, tallying up a long column of totals. "If you don't mind, I'd like to have a med droid send me updates about your progress. I would like to check on your muscle gain when I get back, but I can at least give you advice about when it's safe to start exercising again."

"That's fine," Gregor said distantly.

Kix frowned down at the page before finishing up and holding it out to the commando. "Check this for me. If you have any particular objections to any of the foods I have listed, we can make adjustments. We just have to meet the calorie amounts I have listed per day."

Gregor made no move to take the piece of flimsi. "I'm sure it's fine."

"I'm sure it's not," Kix countered. "Studies have shown that you absorb more nutrients from foods you enjoy than those you don't. Look over the meal plan and tell me about the foods you don't like." Gregor still didn't move and Kix let his voice grow sharp. "That's an order, trooper."

The commando took the flimsi with the jerky motions of someone who had reacted on pure instinct, but he didn't even try to read it. Instead, he stood staring down at it blankly, guilt scrolling plainly across his face.

Kix stood and Gregor's gaze snapped to his face, something like fear budding in his expression as his breathing grew concerningly fast. Kix held his hands up, palms out, and put on his best soothing voice. "It's okay, vod. I just want you to sit down for a minute, yeah? I feel like we need to have an honest chat. Is that okay?"

"Y- yeah," Gregor stuttered slowly, face paler than the flimsi he still held in a loose grip. "Yeah, we can talk."

"I'm just going to help you sit down, all right?"

Gregor nodded, and Kix was alarmed to see how uncoordinated the gesture was. He walked around the desk with a calm he didn't feel, talking quietly and narrating his own actions all the while. "I'm going to come help you find a chair, that's all. We just need to get you sitting down. Is it okay if I touch your elbow?"

He waited for the commando to nod again before he gently grasped Gregor's elbow and steered him into a nearby chair. As soon as he sat down, Gregor sprawled slightly against the uncomfortably rigid backrest.

"What's going on, Gregor?" Kix asked, voice pitched low and gentle.

"I- I don't- I don't know," Gregor told him. "My heart hurts and I feel like I'm about to go into battle."

Fast heart rate. Adrenaline. Fear. Kix was willing to bet that Gregor was having a panic attack. "I'm going to touch your arm again. We're just going to put your hand on your stomach, okay?"

After another nod, Kix positioned Gregor's hand so that it was spread against his stomach, just under his ribs and diaphragm. As he had suspected, the commando was breathing shallowly, worsening his fluttering pulse.

"All right, Gregor," Kix said, deliberately using Gregor's name to draw his attention. "We're going to do a breathing exercise and I want you to feel the way your stomach and ribs move with it. I'm going to count to five as you breathe in. Ready?"

Gregor nodded and Kix started to count. "One… two… three… four… five… Okay, now hold it… two… three… four… five… Now breathe out… two… three… four… five… and hold… two… three… four…. five…"

He kept counting, Gregor kept breathing, and Kix could see the panic ebbing from his patient's tense posture. Eventually, Kix stopped speaking and Gregor continued breathing normally. When Gregor opened his eyes again, Kix asked, "How do you feel?"

"Tired," Gregor admitted, "but better. What was that?"

"I think you had a panic attack," Kix theorized. "Can you think of anything that may have caused it?"

"I'm not sure. I was thinking about Borkus and then you gave a command and I just- just…"

"That's okay, vod," Kix soothed, trying to ignore his own flare of guilt. "Tell me about Borkus. What made you think of him?"

"I- well… he never gave me much choice about what I ate. Or where I lived. Or what I did. I did so much…" Gregor's voice faded out so that Kix had trouble hearing his admission, "I shouldn't have been allowed to come back."

"Why not?" Kix asked, trying to keep his voice even. The last thing he wanted to do was trigger another panic attack.

"I- Borkus, he… I was his hired muscle. I did terrible things…"

"Did you hurt any innocents?"

"No," Gregor said, quick and firm. "I would never hurt anyone who wasn't part of the underworld, no matter what Borkus did to me. But I… I acted in ways that no soldier should."

"Listen, Gregor," Kix said, settling into a chair beside the commando. "That shabuir Borkus is the one to blame here. He saw an opportunity to manipulate someone else for his own gain. You didn't know who you were or what you should do, but you knew enough not to hurt those who didn't deserve it. Borkus is the one who should feel ashamed for the things he made you do."

"But I'm the one who did them," Gregor countered. "How do I move on from that?"

"You live," Kix said simply. "Focus on getting your health back, and let time heal everything else. Now, how do you feel about meiloorun?"

Gregor frowned. "I'm not really sure. I've had the juice, but never the fruit."

Kix stood again. "Well, meiloorun is good for people trying to rebuild their bodies after starvation. I saw a shipment in the main hangar bay. Let's go grab a few and see if you like them."

"Right now?"

"I wrote your whole meal plan around them, and you would just have to deal with it if you hate them. Is that what you prefer?" Kix waved the sheet of flimsi around, satisfied with the easy way Gregor's eyes tracked the movement.

"Lead on," Gregor said easily, rising from his chair to follow Kix from the medbay.

---

A/N - Okay, here's the thing: I've only ever had one panic attack, so this chapter was written with a bit of research and a lot of drawing on my own limited experience. Much more research went into refeeding syndrome and the side effects of not eating enough calories in a day. Also, the thing Kix says about absorbing more nutrients from foods you enjoy is real! I've been using it as an excuse to eat inadvisable foods for the last month, though, so I guess it's cursed knowledge? You're welcome! (Message me if you want the sources I used for the information in this chapter)

On the medical side: if you're struggling with an eating disorder or even just a negative self-image, please seek the appropriate help. The negative side effects listed in this chapter are just the tip of the iceberg and eating less than you should will permanently damage your body - and, unlike Gregor, it will take more than just a few months to regain your health. The technique Kix uses to calm Gregor is called square breathing, and it helps me in times of stress or high tension. Look into it if you think it could help you, but obviously seek the advice of a professional.

Thank you to everyone who has liked or reblogged this story!

[miracleonice87]

I’ll Take Care of You, part two

a Tyler Seguin fic

a/n: this one’s from Peyton’s perspective. back in the fall when I first started writing fics again, I wrote part one in first person, which I don’t really do anymore, but I’m keeping that consistent for this one. read part one here first if you haven’t already. 

tw: fainting, mention of miscarriage/loss of pregnancy/infertility/periods

“Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for this to occur with first pregnancies. It happens more often than you might think. It certainly doesn’t mean you won’t ever be able to have a baby. My rule of thumb is to let couples try to get pregnant again naturally for one year without any intervention. Then, if you’re still having difficulties, you can come back in and we can talk about other options.”

It had been eleven months since my doctor had spoken those words to Tyler and me following the miscarriage that had nearly broken us both.

Those eleven months had seen us try again and again each month with no success. I tracked my body temperature and ovulation cycle each and every day before even leaving bed. I’d completely removed alcohol and caffeine from my diet and monitored everything I put into my body, controlling every single factor I could possibly control.

And yet, on the thirteenth day — the unluckiest of days for multiple reasons — of each month, like clockwork, my period arrived. If Tyler was at home when it happened, I simply left the bathroom with a sorrowful shake of my head, curling into his waiting arms as he comforted me silently, holding me close, disappointment weighing heavily on us both. If he was on the road, I texted him only a “🔴” symbol, indicating that my monthly visitor had shown up unwelcome yet again. He replied each time with an, ”I’m sorry, sweetheart,” though he had nothing at all to apologize for.

My patience and determination, along with Tyler’s, were wearing thin. It was feeling more and more impossible to keep the faith — more and more unlikely that this would happen on its own.

I had all but given up hope.

But then...

The eleventh month arrived, and the thirteenth day of it came and went with no sign of my cycle. And then the fourteenth day. And then the fifteenth.

And with that, the smallest sliver of hope glimmered from out of the darkness in the depths of my heart.

But I wouldn’t allow myself to get too excited. With Tyler on a road trip to the East Coast, I barely slept those three nights, tossing and turning and wondering if I should take one of the numerous tests stuffed in the bathroom cabinet.

On the sixteenth, after Tyler had already left for morning skate, I decided it was time. Though I knew I couldn’t do it alone, I also couldn’t stomach the thought of waiting for Ty to return — let alone the thought of seeing his disappointment in the event of yet another negative test.

Thankfully, though, the sixteenth was a Friday — the day that Fanny, Klinger’s fiancée, and I had long ago set aside for morning yoga in my home gym. Fanny, now six months pregnant herself with her and John’s first baby, would arrive at 10 a.m., and I decided that that was as good a time as any to find out what was next for Ty and me — we would either finally start the family we’d always wanted, or it would be time for a different approach.

After greeting one another and stretching over small talk, Fanny carefully broached the topic that I had brought to her, heartbroken, so many times in the past year.

“So how have you been feeling?” she inquired gently from the mat next to mine, bending to the side for a new pose. “Are you on your cycle?”

From where I stood with my arms extended straight out, my face turned away from hers, I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and pondered what to say next.

“Well,” I began before clearing my throat, “That’s, um... I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”

You pivoted to face Fanny, her pretty eyes now wide as saucers. Slowly, she stood up straight.

“Stop it,” Fanny whispered incredulously, joy etched in her expression.

I shrugged a bit. “I’m late,” I admitted softly. “But only by three days. And I haven’t taken a test-“

“Peyton!” Fanny warned through her giggles, hands finding her hips. “You have to!”

I smiled, appreciating my dear friend’s excitement for me while still feeling the familiar tightness of anxiety in my gut.

“I will,” I promised. “I seriously told myself I was gonna wait to do it while you were here. I couldn’t do it alone and I... if I’m not... well, I just can’t bear to see Ty’s reaction again…”

Fanny nodded solemnly. “Oh, sweetie. I understand,” she assured. “Maybe after we finish up? Or not. I mean, we can do it whenever you feel ready.”

I nodded, suddenly feeling overheated and attributing it to my frayed nerves.

“God, is it hot in here?” I asked, unzipping my lightweight jacket and throwing it aside, still fanning myself though I now wore only a sports bra and athletic shorts.

Fanny frowned, looking at my reflection in the mirrored wall in front of us. “No, I feel fine,” she said.

I tied my ponytail into a high bun to get the hair off my neck, noting a faint ringing in my ears as I placed my feet in position on the mat once more.

As I reached down for my toes, the ringing grew louder, and I suddenly saw stars in my vision.

With trembling hands, I wiped the sweat from my now-dripping brow and stood straight up, but apparently too quickly, as the room around me quickly fell from focus, darkness taking its place.

“Fan... I-I don’t feel good...”

Alarmed at the weakness of my voice, Fanny turned to face me and gasped.

“Babe, oh my god!” she exclaimed — the last thing I heard before everything faded to black.

_____

The next thing I heard as I came to was my husband’s voice, which sounded distant and faint. I moaned, squinting at the bright fluorescent lights above me as I realized that I was lying on my back on the floor, with Tyler’s face inches above mine. I opened my eyes slowly and heard him draw a deep breath, announcing, “She’s awake.”

I felt him cup my cheek tenderly as I offered a weak smile.

“Hi,” he breathed, relief heavy in his tone. “Hi, sweet girl. You scared us pretty good.”

“What happened?” I asked, confused by the hoarseness of my own voice. I moved to prop myself up on my elbows, but Tyler gently pushed my shoulders flat once more.

“Shh, shh, hey, don’t get up,” he instructed. “You passed out while you and Fanny were working out. Do you remember that?”

With a furrowed brow, I nodded. I saw Fanny standing behind Tyler, covering her lips with her fingers as she stared at me nervously.

“Oh god, Fan, I’m so sorry,” I murmured, still feeling weak and shaky.

Fanny shook her head and took a couple of steps forward, standing over Tyler’s shoulder. “Babe, no, don’t apologize,” she insisted. “I was just worried about you. Tyler came in the door just a minute after it happened but I had already called 911. I just didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry.”

I nodded, my eyes fluttering closed once more. “That’s okay,” I said softly.

Just then, there was a knock at the door upstairs, and Fanny hurried up the steps to answer it. I rolled my head to look at Tyler, who stared down at me with deep concern.

“You’re gonna be okay, baby,” he promised, pushing some hair from my still-damp forehead. “We’re gonna get you checked out and see what’s going on, okay?”

I nodded as I heard footsteps coming back down the stairs, and two paramedics followed Fanny to where I lay, still on my yoga mat.

“Hey there,” one of them smiled. “I’m Maria, and this is my partner, Chris. You’re Peyton?”

I nodded as Maria knelt beside me, opposite Tyler, with Chris placing a medic kit on the floor next to him.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Peyton,” Maria said kindly. “How are you feeling right now?”

I cleared my throat, attempting to blink the fog away.

“Not as bad as I did a few minutes ago,” I half-joked. “But I still feel shaky, and hot.”

Maria nodded, pressing the stethoscope to my chest.

“Can you tell me what you’ve had to eat and drink today?” she asked.

“Um... I had two cups of coffee, a yogurt... and some water during yoga,” I replied.

“Okay,” Maria said as Chris took my pulse, with Tyler holding tight to my other hand and watching their every move. “Any history of fainting before this?”

I shook my head. “No, never,” I said.

“Any blood sugar issues? Diabetes, hypoglycemia?”

“No, nothing.”

“Are you currently on your period?”

My cheeks warmed. This certainly wasn’t the way I had planned to tell Tyler of our latest development.

“Um, n-no,” I admitted sheepishly, glancing at him. I could see the wheels beginning to turn in his mind even as he watched the paramedics instead of me.

“Any chance you could be pregnant?” Maria asked gently as she folded her stethoscope into her bag and reached for a blood pressure cuff.

Shit.

“Uh… actually, yeah.”

Immediately, Tyler’s head snapped toward me.

“Wait, what? Really?” he inquired, joy exuding from his whole being.

I simply shrugged, beaming. “I’m late.”

A small, knowing smile crossed Maria’s face. She wrapped the cuff around my arm and began to squeeze the pump.

“Okay, well, that could be the reason,” Maria noted. “Sometimes when you’re early in a pregnancy, your body might not be getting all the extra rest and nutrients and hydration it needs. It happens sometimes, and often, it’s no big deal.”

I nodded, reaching for Tyler’s hand.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said with a scrunched nose. “I just didn’t want to get my hopes up, let alone yours.”

Tyler brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles.

“It’s okay,” he told me with a shake of his head. “I get it.”

I smiled gratefully, and Maria removed the cuff from my arm.

“Your blood pressure is a little low, which doesn’t surprise me,” she said. “Again, this can happen. Just to be safe, I wanna take you to the hospital for an EKG and monitor you for a bit, and we’ll do a pregnancy test there too, okay?”

I nodded, looking to Tyler for reassurance.

“It’s okay,” he said, knowing exactly what I needed to hear. “I’ll be right there with you.”

_____

One ambulance ride later, with Tyler beside me and Fanny following behind in my car, I had arrived at the emergency department and was being poked and prodded and hooked up to a plethora of monitors. A cardiologist soon confirmed that everything was fine with my heart, and my pregnancy test was then the only result that hung in the balance.

I sat propped up on pillows in the hospital bed, Tyler standing at my side as we waited in silence.

Out of nowhere, tears formed in my eyes, and I tried to swipe at them without Tyler noticing — a futile attempt. When he heard my faint whimper, he stepped closer and gathered me into his arms, kissing the top of my head.

“Hey, hey,” he spoke softly. “What is it, baby?”

“I’m scared, Ty,” I whispered, head buried in his chest. “Whether it’s positive or negative. I’m just scared.”

“I know, babe,” he replied, slowly caressing my back. “It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared, too. You’ve been through hell.”

“We’ve been through hell,” I corrected, sniffling as I looked up at him. Tyler nodded and smoothed his thumb along my jaw.

“We just have to believe that everything is gonna work out this time,” he told me as he kissed my forehead. “Good things are coming, Peyt. I can feel it.”

After several more minutes, my nurse, a sweet woman named Beth who spoke with a thick Texas accent, entered the room holding my chart. I could actually hear my own heartbeat in my ears, this time not because I felt faint, but because I was overwhelmed with anticipation.

“Well, Miss Peyton…” Beth began with a smile. “Congratulations. You’re gonna be a mama.”

I let out a sob and covered my mouth with my hand immediately, and Tyler choked out a breathless laugh. His hands grasped my face as he kissed me firmly.

“You hear that? We’re having a baby,” he whispered, eyes glossy with tears. “God, I love you so much.”

I giggled excitedly. “I love you, too, baby daddy,” I replied, causing Tyler to chuckle, too.

As Beth looked on with a grin, she wrote a few things down on my chart, then said, “Congratulations, you two. I’ll give you some privacy. Peyton, honey, we’ll be back around to check on you in about half an hour, okay?”

I nodded, tears streaking my face. “Yes, yes, thank you,” I spoke. “Thank you so much.”

With a kind nod, she left the room, pulling the sliding glass door closed behind her.

Before the door was even shut, Tyler’s lips found mine once more, his fingers holding my cheeks reverently. Eventually, I pulled away for a breath.

“You were right,” I told him, nudging his nose with mine.

Still completely giddy, he asked with a smile, “What was I right about?”

I reached a hand up to work my fingers through his curls. “You told me good things are coming,” I reminded, voice quivering. “You were right.”

Tyler was overcome with emotion once again and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. For the longest time, we stayed that way, embracing with only the sounds of soft, happy cries filling the room.

_____

eight months later...

“Are you the most handsome little man in the whole wide world? Hmm? I think so,” Tyler spoke to the tiny baby he held in his arms. “I think you’re just the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen.”

I smiled from my hospital bed, feeling more exhausted and more in love than I ever knew I was capable of.

“And it’s a good thing you look like your mommy,” Tyler added, smirking at me before kissing the baby’s forehead — our baby’s forehead. “Uncle Jamie is gonna say that too. Yes, he is. I might as well beat him to it, huh?”

I chuckled, patting the mattress beneath me and gesturing for Tyler to join me.

“Bring him back over here,” I pleaded. “I miss him already.”

Tyler hummed knowingly and rose from his chair, carefully cradling the baby in his arms.

“I know,” he said. “I miss him, too, and I’m literally holding him. How is that possible?”

I smiled. “Because having kids means your heart walks around outside of your body,” I spoke, kissing our boy’s chubby cheek as Tyler took his place on my bed. “That’s what my grandmother used to say.”

He nodded. “You’re damn right,” he said, shaking his head. “I feel it already. I never knew it was possible to feel this way, Peyt. As bad as we wanted a baby, as much as it hurt when we lost the first one...” Tyler choked up as he spoke of the loss we’d experienced now almost two years ago. After a pause, he continued. “I still just never thought it would feel this incredible.”

I curled my hands around his arm and kissed his bicep. “Me either,” I admitted airily. “I’ll never forget the pain we felt then. And that baby will always be our first. But this... this is the best day of my life.”

Tyler beamed, wrapping one arm around my waist while cradling the baby to his chest with his other.

“So, are we decided on this little man’s name?” Tyler asked as I touched the baby’s pouted lips, making us both giggled at his expression.

“I think so,” I confirmed, leaning my head against his shoulder. “Are you still thinking what I’m thinking?”

Tyler looked down at me with hooded eyes, full of adoration, and nodded. “If you’re sure,” he spoke.

I’d been sure for a few months now, since the first day that I allowed myself to browse a baby name book, still riddled with fear of the unknown, while also waiting expectantly and with hope for our new journey ahead. I didn’t get far, only to the B’s, when I found the perfect name... one that meant blessed. 

As I peered down at the boy in my arms, no name seemed more fitting than that one I’d whispered into being long ago. 

“I’m sure,” I replied confidently. I cradled the baby’s head in my hand and pressed my lips to his forehead. “Welcome to our world, Bennett Tyler Seguin,” I whispered, overjoyed and humbled to finally have the privilege of having a son to name not only for his daddy, but also for the precious, long-awaited gift he was to us.

“Our boy,” Tyler whispered reverently.

[writing-for-me-at-this-point]

ii. Fun Facts About The Cast | Actor Au | Obey Me

Request: Its not, I love this AU tho

Word Count: 2303 words

Page Count: 6.5 pages

A.N. Hope you guys all like this! Fun facts about the cast lmao

[ Actor AU Masterlist ]

Fun Facts

Benjamin ( Lucifer )

- Is the dad of the cast.

- In any scenes with Dmitri ( Luke ), he makes sure to know if he is alright, and often will stop scenes to ask.

- He also is an overall joker, so he has trouble filming most of his scenes, will often start laughing in the middle of filming and can break character the easiest.

- Best with kids overall, probably due to having his own, keeps their lives private tho.

- His hair was white for a past show, but the directors liked the look, so that's why he has white tips.

- One of the few male characters who cannot do those diets to accentuate his abs- so that's why his character is always covered up.

- He's in shape! But, he likes the fat that protects his muscle, he says he needs to stay soft to hug his kids.

- Known diabetic, so there's a table full of foods so his sugars are stable, the cast has glucagon shots all over the sets to be safe.

- Is in his early thirties, but people say he can pull off early twenties- he just snorts at this.

Avery ( Mammon ) 

- Takes the job seriously, and his scenes are easiest to film.

- Dark humor and often is the "Lucifer" of the cast.

- Seeing him switch from Avery to Mammon leaves the rest of the cast and crew fucking s h o o k.

- Will always be seen looking his finest.

- No, no one has seen him in public in sweatpants or anything like that. His image is very serious.

- Is a sweetheart when with the rest of the cast tho.

- His eyes are actually that blue.

- No one is sure if his hair is actually white or not, the way he speaks about it is vague, and fans are always theorizing.

- Watching over Benji ( Lucifer ), and is usually the one to tell him to check his sugars, since the other is quite forgetful.

- Is an immigrant from Turkey, so he has an accent, makes people thirst for him more.

- Helps aspiring actors and directors get into the field, and goes on hard work and talent, not who tries to pay him off.

Jackson ( Leviathan )

- Is the resident fuckboi.

- Always with males and females hanging off him, at this point the pop gave up, no- they aren't his partner.

- Flexes a shit ton.

- Wearing chains, a Rolex, and anything designer.

- Donates half of his salary to ocean reserves and protection funds, he has the money for it, and the show pays him well.

- Always at the beach, or near lake houses and shit, the one ( 1 ) thing he likes about his character.

- Hates the fringe he wears with a passion.

- His hair is actually a light shade of brown, his eyes are a darker shade, but still pretty light.

- First generation, his parents are Korean, so you can pick up hints of their accent in his speech patterns. Gets heavy when he's sleepy. 

Ross ( Satan )

- Is a stoner.

- Goes on Instagram lives with either MC and gets high, talking about the dumbest shit or he's alone in his room and his cats join in.

- "So, if you think about- oH MY GOD PRINCESS. YES, COME TO DADDY."

- Has a kitten curled up on him, purrs loud as hell because mf is so warm, and the lives turn into purring ASMR sessions.

- Into self care, has a line of vitamins, face masks, and everything you can think of.

- Calls his fans his SaStans.

- Dmitri ( Luke ) is his younger brother.

- Will never let him out of his sight, and they love to be as mean as they can to each other, they love each other but love to bully one another.

- Is from the Bronx, so his accent is what Avery ( Mammon ) mimics for his character, often just records Avery's lines and sends them to him so he can practice.

- Owns an animal shelter he funds.

- "Carol Baskin? Who's that?"

- The REAL tiger king.

- Gets all his cats dyed to look like tigers.

Micheal ( Asmodeus )

- Chill as fuck.

- Has like 5+ kids, so the role fits him perfectly, and now it's an on running joke among fans that they are all his illegitimate children.

- You know why Asmodeus on the show wears so much makeup? 

- His eldest daughter is one of the makeup artists, and she loves to try new looks on him, and the producers think it would fit the character well.

- People speculate his age, looks young but is in his late 30's.

- His first child was born when he was 16, so he likes to support safe heavens and things like that for struggling youths- from being kicked out to needing assistance with mental health.

- Tired af.

- Always in sweatpants, him and Ross ( Satan ) are the trademark bums of the cast.

- Thinks it would be hilarious that when Micheal is revealed, in the show, that he plays the character.

- Is a writer as well, TSL is a real series and he writes it, so they let him use it in the show.

- Vlogs in his car, in a Wendy's parking lot, eating a shit ton of food and talking about the most random shit.

- Half asleep in all interviews, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, it's gotten to the point where everyone memes it too.

James ( Beelzebub )

- Himbo.

- One of the few cast members closest to their character.

- Absolute sweetheart.

- He's 20 years old.

- But how is he so fucking big???

- Comes from a big ass family, the middle child, he's baby 4 out of 9.

- All his siblings are redheads too.

- Very playful tho, with the cast always going along with his antics, making for the best bloopers.

- The contacts he wears make him blind af, which doesn't help since he's so tall, and will bump his head on the doorways and such.

- Can speak Scottish-Gaelic, and even has an accent to top it off.

- He is an absolute unit, and one of the characters who does the stupid diet to show off his form.

- Literally on the verge of passing out sometimes, so he needs to rest with Benjamin ( Lucifer ).

- All pictures, shirtless scenes, and such are filmed first so he can rest after and go back to a normal diet.

- Quiet guy, but loves talking about sports and his siblings tho.

- Is always carrying MC and Dmitri ( Luke ) around, now there are many off-guard photos posted to the casts shared twitter+instagram accounts

- Still pretty new to acting, but is amazing at emotional scenes, to the point fans actually think he's having a breakdown.

- Nah, he's just thinking about being alone, without his family- and it gets him bawling for said scenes.

Conner ( Belphegor )

- Crackhead 

- Will not stay still, either for filming or just when everyone is chilling.

- Scenes where he's asleep? He's usually turned away from the camera, cause the idiot is smiling and giggling.

- Has tripped over his tail multiple times.

- Comes from a farm-life, literal cowboy, his southern accent just hits hard.

- He hides it very well, but it comes out at times or with certain words.

- Sees Benjamin ( Lucifer ) as a mentor, he's in his early twenties and new to the scene, but they are best friends.

- Benjamin ( Lucifer ) has now acquired a new child.

- A living meme.

- You know how Tom Holland can't keep a secret?

- Yeah, he's worse.

- Rest of the cast have all had to physically stop him from talking at one point.

- The cow pillow? It's actually his, when he got the role his father has sewn it himself, so he will bring it with him.

- It's basically free promo for the show and comforts him in the city space.

- Gets overwhelmed in large crowds, so he usually makes sure to have another cast member close by, or he will literally leave to a less crowded place to take a breath.

- Apologized to MC after the scene in which he kills them.

- His mama raised him right, so he takes MC to his house for a movie, in which they cuddle and relax for the night.

- Felt really bad for like... a whole week.

- "Country boy I love you~"

Thomas ( Barbatos )

- Brat.

- This is one cocky man, he's smooth as hell, and one whisper can make you weak in the knees.

- Grew out the one side of his hair, but he slicks his hair back or will pin it back, dyes it himself when it's time to film.

- Loves to piss Alex ( Simeon ) off.

- Has a true crime podcast with Roman ( Diavolo ), Alex ( Simeon ), and Benjamin ( Lucifer ), because they're all old friends.

- Donates to the cold case foundation because he knows what it's like to lose someone and not know what happened to them.

- He has a twin who is his stunt double, they love to fuck with the rest of the cast, both of them are little shits.

- Is the motherfucker who makes a channel and reads the crackhead fanfics

- Loves every word of it tho.

- Responds to every fans dms. Every. One. As a whole account for this shit.

- Walks with a bit of a limp, so he wears a brace to help even himself, but during wide-shot scenes you can catch it sometimes.

- Took actual classes to be a butler for the role.

Roman ( Diavolo )

- Himbo 2.0

- Catch this man tweeting what he's trying to search up at 2 in the morning.

- Leaves them because it's hilarious, makes videos where he reads them out sometimes, it's all in good fun.

- He has a set of triplets at home, so that dad energy radiates into the show too.

- You know how Diavolo seems sus at points of the game? Yeah, he's still like that IRL.

- The rest of the cast was put off at first, but that's how he is, and everyone eased up pretty quickly.

- Makes jokes that he has family in the Italian mob, but needed to stop once his father called him, saying that there were too many eyes on the family now.

- Man was s h o o k.

- Has sensitive skin, so all his makeup and body paints need to be specially made, made with all natural products.

- The bags under his eyes are baby bags.

- Will bring his kids on set, to which everyone will gush over, and watch them when they aren't filming.

- Very private with his kids ( to the public ), doesn't post about them much, and only the cast really sees them.

- Wine dad.

- Catch him bringing the whole cast out for "family trips"

- People nicknamed him Caesar

- So many JoJo references now

- "SHHHHIIIIIZZZAAAAAAAA"

- "Please, no."

Dmitri ( Luke )

- Is actually 12.

- Quotes vines, tiktoks, and other memes.

- Is one of the few people that Alex ( Simeon ) is openly nice too.

- Also has an accent, but since he's young and is learning, can now mimic every other cast member's accent.

- Wear earplugs for certain scenes, because of how raunchy and dark the scenes can get, so Simeon and Barbatos are always conveniently in the way, hiding the plugs.

- Is Ross' ( Satan ) younger brother, and if he isn't hanging off of him he's with James ( Beelzebub ), Benjamin ( Lucifer ), or MC.

- They know there are some sick fucks in Hollywood so he has an adult with him at all times.

- Posts pictures of him cuddling up to his brother and the kittens, new foods he is trying, and some pictures with family.

- He often is considered the new Gordon Ramsay.

- Had a collaboration with him.

- It was amazing.

- Best boy, catch him taking a nap in his ( and Ross' ) trailer, surrounded by tiger kittens.

- The TIGER PRINCE.

Alex ( Simeon )

- Avatar of wrath who?

- The embodiment of "No talk me, I angy"

- Jkjk, though he does have a temper, he only loses it with Benjamin ( Lucifer ), Roman ( Diavolo ), and Thomas ( Barbatos ).

- A sweetheart with all children though, like you know Simeon on the show? 

- Yeah, he's only like that with kids.

- And respectable adults.

- Mama raised him well 2.0

- Grew up in NY

- Born in Gucci and Balenciaga.

- Was a child model and slowly expanded to acting.

- Dark humor galore.

- If Simeon met Alex, he'd probably have a stroke, cause THOSE WORDS are coming out of HIS mouth.

- Says the weirdest shit too.

- "Put your hand on my ass and call me a virgin."

- Bro are you okay???

- He is fluent in five languages and has a high IQ.

- Speaks: English, French, Italian, Arabic, and Mandarin

- Has a support system for children who struggle to learn conventionally, with trained tutors who are affordable, he knows what it's like to need certain needs met to learn, and he wants every kid to get that chance.

- Rough around the edges but has a heart of gold.

Derek ( Solomon )

- Loves to smoke with Ross ( Satan )

- He is more aloof than chill.

- One of the more awkward members, doesn't know how to socialize well, and is very shy.

- Watch out for Dmitri ( Luke ) on the down low.

- Didn't have the best life growing up, so he is a lot more street smart than book smart.

- Doesn't have a big social media influence.

- Very nice to fans, gives full hugs to them, and everyone feels so appreciated.

- Has a husky named Blue.

- Also has an owl, who he took in when he found it on his porch with a broken wing, and nursed it to health.

- He set it free, but she comes back often, and has a nest in the tree closest to his house.

- Named her Lovely.

- Animal person, so he helps Ross out with his animal shelters.

- Uses Blue as a living pillow, and only sleeps in his boxers when Blue is on his bed, because goddamn does that dog radiate heat.

- Him and MC live together, having grown up together, and made their livings together. 

[cryptidsandcatacombs]

Hey! For the prompt meme, How about some “I know that you love me, but your jealousy is getting out of hand.” for L please! Only if you want to!

Uhuh this my shit This is an L x Reader so this should be fun~<3 I might be channeling my s/i's story into this but

Summary: Reader has been L's assistant for quite some time. They care about each other mutually during the ample time they've been around each other. L is usually good about keeping it subtle and under wraps but something happens that makes him mcfucking lose it. Rating: Pretty adult stuff here. NSFW. No one under the age of 18 may read. Sexual content is contained in this fic.

The evening had droned on with the hours wasting away unknown to L. He's never been one to keep track of the time that well. Once he's into his work, he ignores he forgoes a decent sleep schedule and what could be considered an actual substantial meal for coffee with an embarrassing amount of caffeine and sugar and what could be considered enough candy and pastries to give a horse diabetes. However, this has changed since y/n came along. It isn't that Watari didn't keep L in line when it comes to his diet. Watari has learned how stubborn L can be in the middle of an important case and getting L to do anything is like pulling teeth. But, there was something about y/n that made L listen and made L want to take care of himself a bit better. Watari definitely regards y/n as a miracle worker of sorts. Even L has to admit he has gotten a soft spot for y/n. Something he hasn't felt for anyone in a very, very long time. However, L has to admit his little soft spot has manifested into something of the more romantic variety. He can't help but see them and try his hardest to sound impressive. The blind man has no idea y/n already finds everything about him impressive. The hour was late however and y/n was nowhere to be seen. They had informed him that they had an engagement that evening. Didn't say what though. "Hey y/n, would you come here pl--," he said looking over to find y/n wasn't there. L was so used to having y/n around that he had forgot about this little detail. "Oh yeah, that's right," L mumbled to himself. One of the members of the latest task force he had been working with came over to L's side. "Sir, maybe you didn't know, but y/n has evening plans with a Mr. Enji Tanakada. I figure they have might informed you." "Enji Tanakada..why does that name sound familiar," L mumbled to himself quickly typing away at his computer. L froze when he saw the name come up. The case L had been working on was of the international sex trafficking variety. Dozens upon dozens of people of every gender had gone missing and it linked back to a company L had been tracking. They seemed legit on the surface, but the CEO, Renji Hiroto, had a dark side to him. Enji Tanakada was a certain Hiroto-san's close personal assistant in what L suspected was all matters including the illicit and illegal ones. "Son of a bitch y/n," L growled. He tightened his jaw in frustration. "Of all the stupid, reckless things you could have done." "Sir, I apologize I didn't tell you earlier. They had informed me that you were told and you had given them the approval," the task member had stated flustered and nervous fearing L's current state. "Well, next time inform me will you. Don't make a dumb mistake like that again," said L being snappy. He wasn't ok in this state of mind and any form or reasoning escaped him. "Now, did they tell you where they were going off to," L inquired. "I had overheard a phone coversation y/n was having that lead me to ask about the engagement. Some sort of hotel. Very high end. They both wanted to keep this under wraps," the task member said now regretting not asking for more details in case they needed back up. "And you didn't ask for the location? Your stupidity astounds me," L said not having any patience. L furrowed his brow, pinching the bridge of his nose in contemplation. He was kicking himself for not asking for more details now either, but he figured it was y/n's life and their business is their own. A mistake, he noted, that he will not make twice. "Well, I guess if you want something done right," L said bringing out the tracking device he had kept on him for cases like this. "Hopefully, y/n was wise enough to bring the tracking device I asked them to have on them at all times." L would reason with himself that this wasn't a stalking thing. That was partially a lie. The major part of it is when y/n signed up for this, he had known that the job came with a particular risk factor that could include kidnapping and so on. L has seen enough for the dingy, corrupt criminal underworld to warrant such

paranoia. L's eyes lit up to see that yes it had been on them. "Oh thank heaven y/n you beautiful angel," L muttered as he put the device in his pocket. "Watari, I need you to drive me," L ordered Watari already heading towards the car 3 steps ahead of L. The room Mr. Tanakada had booked super pricey with much leg room to go around in. Y/n wasn't sure whether he was seeking to impress or knew y/n was an agent and looking to throw them off. Either way, it was a lot. Tanakada had set down two champagne glasses. One y/n was wise enough not to drink. Tanakada had raised an eyebrow in concern. "What's a matter," he had asked. "Oh I'm doing a 10 step program. Major drinking problems a few months back," they said coming up with a lie. "Tch I'm sure you can let loose for one night," said Tanakada lifting his own glass in temptation. "So uh Tanakada-san, you said you had an ongoing business proposition to ask of me," y/n said. "Oh yes. There's a bit of travel involved if you're in," he said leaning forward to look y/n in the eye. "Oh, and what makes you think I'm a perfect fit for this business proposition," y/n inquired. "I can tell just by looking at you. I have a certain eye for these things," he said looking y/n up and down. "Well, if you're that sure, I guess I can be onboard," y/n said leaning forward, placing their hand under their chin. "Good. You're a smart one," Tanakada said lifting his glass, "You sure you don't to drink to celebrate. Excellent. Just had to close the deal before getting to this point. "Cheers to new beginnings," y/n said lifting their glass. Just as they were about to drink, the door to the room busted wide open with a violent bang. Y/n stared behind them to find a very angry L breathing heavily. Y/n froze figuring this might happen, but hoping they wouldn't. L snatched the glass and handed it to Watari. "Watari, can you bring this in for testing. If it tests positive for drugs, then we may have a few more questions for you," L said staring down Tanakada the angriest he's ever been. Tanakada snarled. "And just who do you think you are barging into my private room and--" Tanakada froze with the sight of the warrant L had lifted up. "I would watch what you say. You're under suspicious Tanakada-san. Let's just say your place isn't so safe either right now," L said with a voice that wasn't so whimsical as it is during these moments, but very cold and caculated. Y/n could tell he had lost patience. L took his seat in one of the chairs around the room taking a candy bar out of his pocket. "You don't mind if we just hang out til the boys in blue inform me of your dirty laundry now do you," L stated taking a bite of his bar. L had a look in his eye that wasn't of a detective giving you his knowing gaze, but of a predator looking to tear apart its prey. It sent shivers down everyone's spine whether he realized it or not. Hours later, L's task force had come back with evidence. Video tapes upon files upon illegal drugs had been found in Tanakada's home. All of them leading to the missing people. L's eye twitched suspecting the man got off on this job and liked to keep recordings of his capture for a certain Mr. Hiroto. And to think y/n might have been next. The thought of someone jerking off to this happening to y/n made his hand turn white and shake with rage. He snarled at Tanakada as he was being taken away in cuffs. L was kind of hoping merely staring at Tanakada would knock him out cold from the impact. After rigorous hours of y/n giving their testimony to L and the task force, L flopped down on the couch in his room tired. Y/n came in with their pjs as L had asked them to stay the night. "Sorry about that. I just didn't want you to worry cause I thought you wouldn't ap--" Y/n was interrupted by L standing straight up to face them. His posture was usually abysmal so y/n had never seen him with his back straight. Seeing it for the first time was absolutely terrifying. "You're damn right I wouldn't approve. What were you thinking? You could have gotten killed or

taken away somewhere no one would find you. Is that what you want," L said actually raising his voice. Y/n tried to find the answer, but couldn't finding L pretty intimidating right now. L flopped back onto his couch sitting in his usual manner. "Seriously, I'd love to know what your thought process was," L said voice low and raspy. "Well, I figured, if I could get taken by the people you suspect, you could track me having seen that I had gone missing and that would be your evidence right there," y/n stated. L looked over at y/n like they grew a third head. Y/n could be reckless some times, but holy shit this took the cake. "I'm going to have to ask you to repeat that as I don't think I heard you right. You were hoping to get kidnapped," L inquired, voice containing a thinly veiled tone of frustration. "Well, yeah. What faster way to catch the crooks then to catch them in the act yeah," y/n responded. "Of all the stupid..." L growled running his hand down his face. He tapped his fingers on his knees trying to figure out what to say. Y/n stared at L for a long time. Y/n noticed the fall and rise of his shoulders had become sporadic. L was far from composed right now and y/n was close enough to him to know it. Y/n shuffled over to L and sat by him. L turned to y/n noticing the new presence beside him. L shakily reached out for y/n's hand, rubbing it tenderly. "Don't you dare ever do that again. You might work for me, but believe it or not, I care very much for your well being. Too much for you to be doing impulsive actions like this. Do you comprehend what I'm saying? I understand you want to help, but not at the risk of your life. Never at the risk of your life," L said as if he was nearly going to break down. Y/n looked down to see L's hand trembling and gripping y/n's hand. His breath became shaky and anxious. Y/n had never seen L this upset. They were mostly taken aback by how much this had shaken him up. "Ok. I'm sorry," y/n conceded. L nodded slowly, pulling y/n close. Y/n stood frozen at the sudden contact. Y/n slowly held L back. L could feel how exhausted he was as he melted into y/n's arm. The warmth and comfort was far more healing than anything L had ever felt. “I know that you love me, but your jealousy is getting out of hand," y/n said cracking a joke. L gave a stifled laugh at this. Not only cause it was kind of funny to him, but also he didn't want to admit the truth. While what he did to save y/n was out of pure concern, he had to admit. He had grown jealous towards the idea of them being alone together. This dangerous man holding y/n's hand, kissing them, earning y/n's sweet words in his ear. Possibly more. L didn't like to think about it nor did he want to. It was far too unbearable. L decided to retort before this feeling of envy took him to increasingly dark places. "Oh and what about you? I joked about taking a certain lady out on a date for an investigation and you looked like you were going to kill someone." Y/n shoulders stiffened at hearing this. God, they were hoping he didn't notice that. "Now whose jealous," L said stick his tongue out playfully. Y/n blushed and began looking for a way to change the subject. "Hey uuu isn't that movie you wanted to watch on netflix," y/n said picking up L's laptop punching in L's password. "Oh right. I guess a movie night wouldn't be so bad," L said taking the blanket off the edge of his couch, covering both of them. L clapped a couple of times, dimming the lights as the movie started. L may have been joking about y/n being just as much of a jealous creature as he was, but he had a hard time admitting aloud that he was dearly hoping it was true. L truly didn't want to think about anyone having y/n's affection. Having this time they gave him to someone else. He had never been this close, this trusting, with anyone. This in love with anymore. Romance was never a possibility in his mind seeing as he had never been interested in romance. Then here came along y/n. Someone who had effortlessly won his heart and made him fall in love

with them in the most romantic way possible. If anyone were to take any of that that away, take away the person he loved more than life itself, the person he fell in love with, he wasn't sure what he'd do. All he could do was hope y/n had fallen in love with him too.