#even as a kid I saw how men were never given any kindness of any kind. only hatred and only malice

[the-chaos-crew]

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK

You know what? Fuck you. I am a "men's rights activist."

I'm for trans men having gender-affirming marks on identification and paperwork and still being able to access OBGYN and pregnancy care, and contraceptives.

I'm for all men's restrooms including baby changing stations, because fathers exist and need to change their babies.

I'm for black men having a voice and being seen and heard, and not assumed to be predators for being both black and men.

I'm for fathers gaining custody of their children in the face of a court system which favors the mother, stating that a child should "never be without their mother," granting custody to even the abusive mothers while taking it away from their fathers.

I'm for boys receiving both 'boy' sex education and 'girl' sex education, so they know how periods and pregnancy actually work.

I'm for boys and men giving and receiving emotional checkups, hugs, and everything soft because boys and men both deserve softness. Boys and men deserve to express their emotions healthily. To know how to express emotions healthily.

Men deserve access to care, patience, love and kindness.

[joelsgoldrush]

“guilty pleasure” | 8.6k

worst!logan howlett x f!reader

SUMMARY: After saving Earth-10005 from impending disaster, Wade convinces Logan, the alcoholic and easily irritated mutant, to stick around for a while. He’s convinced that nothing good can come out of this experience, until he meets you: the charming bartender with a soft spot for swearing that matches his own. Suddenly, sticking around doesn’t seem so bad after all.

WARNINGS/TAGS: mdni - smut 18+ fluff. drinking. dirty talk. slow-burnish. grumpy!logan x sunshine!reader. reader is really kind but cracks a lot of jokes. age gap (25 vs 200 - they’re basically the same age). oral sex (f receiving). fingering. finger sucking. soft dom!logan. wade being the funniest asshole. logan calls reader "kiddo/kid”.

A/N: HI! first of all, i'd like to thank you for all the support you showed me on my recent post. let me just tell you that i’m LOVING writing for logan. but none of this would be possible without YOU, so yeah, i fucking love y’all.

** regarding this story, i was planning on making it even longer, but writing these two has been so much fun, and i didn’t want it to end just like that (i have attachment issues as you may infer from this note). therefore, i’ve made the decision to write a second part to this fic, which will contain fluff and other stuff (you already know the drill). i don’t know when i’ll be posting it, but i’m sure it won’t take me that long.

*** i’m also working on other one shots (purely fluff/domesticity because i want this man to cradle me in his arms). anyway, i don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but still, all I have to say is THANK YOU FOR READING MY WORKS! i hope you really like this silly story i made up :)

**** english is not my first language so if you come across any mistakes don’t hesitate to tell me :)

special recognition to @zloshy who allowed me to rant about my own fic 😭 the sweetest human ever

The bar is far from packed, but then again, it never truly is.

Studying your regulars has become your favorite hobby. Soon you end up knowing their names, the drinks they like, and what time they come through the door. It’s what happens when standing on your own two feet and refilling glasses lose all their charm. A part of you thinks you also do it to make them feel safe. No matter how much you try to deny it, you truly care about their well-being.

Is this your dream job? Nope. Definitely not. You’re pretty sure that holding some stranger’s hair while they empty their insides wasn’t on your bingo card for this year. But sadly money doesn’t grow on trees, and university isn’t going to pay itself. Plus, this was the only job in which your resume was not immediately rejected. It should also be stressed that the drunks happen to love you. 

Perhaps this isn’t the life you had always imagined for yourself, but you were getting closer to it. You’d often talk to Adam, a retired psychologist in his seventies. He was without a doubt one of the most loyal clients you’d ever encountered. In the past, he’d even given you free advice on some of your failed hookups. You once told him that in less than two years, you’d be just like him when you got your degree in Psychology. To your surprise, he replied: “You’ll be much better than me, doll. I’m a mess, can’t you see it? You don’t wanna be like me,” his voice was hardly above a whisper as he continued. “I should be at my daughter’s birthday right now, but I didn’t get an invitation this year. Believe me, you don’t want to end up like this old man.” 

Like Adam, most of the men who frequented the bar day-to-day saw it as an opportunity to hide within the shadows. In comparison to the other pubs in the area, the one you work at doesn’t receive that much attention from the general public. A dimly lit place where only music from the 80s is allowed. You’re certain that if a health inspector ever came down here, you’d be in serious problems. But hey, you know what they say: do not worry about tomorrow; instead, live in the now.

The atmosphere of the bar shifts dramatically as the main door slams shut with a resounding thud, pulling you abruptly out of your daydreaming. You turn to see who’s arrived, but as soon as your eyes meet his, you’re compelled to look away. Nevertheless, the brief glance you catch of the stranger’s features is enough for you to unlock your phone and send a quick text to your best friend. 

You:

cutie patootie alert

there’s this really handsome guy at the bar

i don’t think i’ve ever seen him before

i think i’m in love with him

my night just got a 100% better

Allison:

age

what does he look like

is he bald?

You:

he looks like he could be in his early fifties??? it’s hard to tell UGH i wish you were here

brown hair, beard, 6’2 if i’m not wrong 

i didn’t stare at him for too long

otherwise that would’ve been very weird

and no he’s not fucking bald

that happened only once and i was not aware of that gentleman’s lack of hair 

Allison:

so you’re dating retired now

get it grandma!

You:

oh fuck you allison 

Allison: 

it’s okay girl we all have our flaws

just make sure it’s nobody’s father

wait it’s not mine right?

You:

nah your dad’s way hotter don’t you worry about it

Allison:

bitch 

Even with the music blasting through the speakers that are attached to the ceiling, you can still hear the low murmur and the whispers. The mysterious stranger seems to have attracted the attention of the other patrons, some of whom have even raised their phones to take photos. Your eyebrows draw together. Why would they do something like this, approaching the man as if he were a celebrity? Since curiosity never fails to kill the cat, you decide to get involved.

“Do I have somethin’ on my face?” you hear him ask the crowd, his raspy voice making your knees wobbly. He sounds enraged. You step on your tiptoes, trying to see what all the fuss is about, albeit it’s pretty hard considering how these men are caging him with their bodies.

The glow of a phone’s flashlight catches your attention, and suddenly, a chair is dragged without much elegance. “Enough of that, y’hear me?”

Enter you now. “Okay, gentlemen, I’m sorry. I’m gonna need you to make some space for me, alright?” you mumble as you gently push them aside. “Thank you, thank you. Y’all can be real sweethearts when you put your minds to it.”

Then you spot him, and it becomes clear why everyone is making such a fuss. 

Gary, your worst client ever, steps forward. His nasty breath clouds your senses as he rests one of his sweaty hands on your shoulder. “Doll, it’s the fucking Wolverine. Don’t ask him for a picture, though. He doesn’t seem to be in the mood for that.”

The last thing you needed to see today was a fight (despite your knowledge of who would be the winner). You locate yourself amidst them, shaking your head like a disappointed mother, so as to add a tiny bit of drama to the situation.

“Guys, what you’re doing here is completely inappropriate. I thought I’d taught you better. Imagine if I were to pull this crap on you. You wouldn’t have it.”

Adam presses his lips together, flushing a bit. “She does have a point.” 

“Thank you, peanut. You’re still my favorite,” you flash him an honest smile. Scrutinizing the rest of the men, you continue with your speech. “You can still make up for it and fill my tip jar all the way to the top. Deal?” they all scoff, barking their disagreement. “Oh, you don’t like the sound of that? Then leave him alone, okay? Class dismissed! Back to your places,” you clap your hands repeatedly, signaling them to go away. “Chop chop. All this alcohol won’t be drinking itself.”

Just like that, everything goes back to normal in the blink of an eye. Wolverine sits back down in his chair, leaning closer to the table and resting both elbows on it. He examines you, lifting his chin while his brown eyes take in every inch of you.

“Thank you,” he utters, his eyes still trained on your features. 

“No need to. It’s what I’m here for,” you point to your work clothes, which consist of an antiqued apron and a silly sticker that has your name written on it. “Can I get you anything to drink? It’s also Burger Night. You can get one for half the usual price.”

(No. It’s not fucking Burger Night. You just happen to find yourself deeply attracted to him.)

He doesn’t seem too eager to hear you talk. “Not hungry at the moment. But I could use some whiskey.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, kid. Very sure.” Well, now he does look annoyed.

“Great. I’ll be back in a minute,” you move as if you were in a race, returning to him after a hot minute. Setting his glass down on the table, you fill it with some old whiskey you don’t even know the name of. Still, he omits that detail, gulping down two-fingers of whiskey as if it were water. “I see you’re thirsty.”

“Could you leave the bottle here?” those brown puppy eyes are begging you to do as he says, and although you’d be happy to oblige, rules are rules. 

“Actually, I can’t. The bottle stays on the counter. But you can always join me at the front,” your proposal doesn’t appear to have the desired effect on him. “I won’t talk to you if that’s what you want.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” he rubs his neck, drawing a long breath as he stands up. 

You can feel many pairs of eyes searing into your soul. The others ask you for more drinks and you pour them, pricking up your ears when you hear them talking about him.

“What a weirdo. Didn’t you see it on TV? He’s not even from this universe,” Gary explains, looking for accomplices to hate on Wolverine. “Let me tell y’all something: he shouldn’t even be here. He’s fucking dead on this earth.”

Yeah… that you knew.

It had been all over the news for weeks. Some would even swear that he was back from the dead, but that was until the representatives from the TVA spoke their truth. If someone would’ve told you a month ago that multiple universes were a thing, you would’ve laughed in their face.

As if that weren’t already difficult to process, your mind does the job of reminding you that there’s a man with metal claws sitting a few meters away from you. Despite that, you can’t seem to be scared of him. There’s something magnetic about his personality and that don’t-come-near-me-or-there-will-be-consequences expression that he has. Why had you promised not to speak to him? Dammit.

“I can hear your thoughts,” a muscle in his jaw twitches after knocking back another glass of whiskey. He squeezes his eyes shut before tapping the table with two fingers, silently asking for a refill.

“I thought you didn’t want me to talk,” you raise one of your eyebrows, and you behold how the corners of his mouth turn up for an instant. “I can assure you your liver hates you.”

“Alcohol won’t kill me, so don’t be afraid. Keep ‘em coming.”

For nearly twenty minutes, he does nothing but drink. He attempts to light a cigar at some point, and you stop him. “You can’t smoke in here.”

“No special treatment?” he inquires, placing the cigar between his parted lips and tilting his head back. He’s so… dreamy. He has to know it.

“I saved your ass today. The least you can do is not cause me any trouble.”

His eyes widen at your words, blinking owlishly. “You saved my what?”

“Your goddamn ass. You were about to start a fight.”

“Blame the idiots you have for clients,” he says, jerking his thumb toward your direction. “I was just mindin’ my own business. They came for me, not the other way around.”

“Look, Wolvie. I–”

“Wolvie?” giving a bitter laugh, he rams a hand through his hair. “That’s the worst nickname I’ve heard in a long time,” he looks at you through his lashes, getting rid of his leather jacket. “It’s Logan.”

“Wow. Your name is very boybandish.”

You succeed in making him laugh once again. It’s the perfect opportunity for you to observe his face without feeling like you were just about to get caught. He has deep creases and worry lines etched between his eyebrows, a brown beard that perfectly frames his jaw, and a few white hairs scattered in his sideburns. Pearly teeth that go hand in hand with one of the most impeccable smiles you’ve ever seen, and a pair of brown eyes that make you feel weak in the knees. You know for a fact that he’s a lot older than you; his exact age remains a mystery, but his appearance is enough for you to start fantasizing.

Shit, you want him. You should feel sickened by the mere thought of being with him. He was born God knows when, has lived hundreds of years. Still, the idea of tracing his cheekbones with your fingers while lying on his chest doesn’t leave you. This is fucked up. You are fucked up. A fucked up Psychology student. The joke is pretty much self-explanatory.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding, you preening slut. Can’t even bother to answer my calls now?”

The tension between you shatters like a glass dropped onto the floor. He doesn’t dare to look in the direction of the owner of that voice, not even as the seat next to him gets taken. He pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Wade, what the hell are you doin’ here?”

“It hasn’t been exactly easy, raising our kid on my own. I don’t even have money to hire a babysitter, Lo. I spent nine months carrying your child, and for what? You end up going after a bartender,” the masked man turns to you, giving a sly wink. “No offense, baby. You must be a real sweetheart. In fact, do you want my number? The name’s Wade, but you can call me whatever you like.”

“You dumb fuck. Are you flirtin’ with her?”

“No shit, smartass. You’re the future of this country.”

A soft giggle escapes you despite your attempt to hold it back. You take a step back, admiring the two men. “Well, aren’t you two a beautiful couple?”

“You should see our little munchkin. He’s got my eyes and Logan’s hair. His first word was gubernatorial.”

“Would you like to have a drink while you’re here?”

“A beer would be great. Thank you, sugarbear. You’re the cutest,” Wade sinks back into his chair, resting his chin on his palm. He jerks his head in Logan’s direction, bumping his shoulder. “She’s the cutest. Are you two together?”

Logan rubs his forehead, speaking through gritted teeth. “How did you find me?”

“It's the power of love, baby. I had It’s All Coming Back To Me Now on repeat for hours. Couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Handing Wade a cold beer, your eyes scan Logan’s face. “I didn’t know patience was your strongest suit.”

“Me neither.”

“Enough of that! I can’t stand not being included in a conversation,” Wade throws his hands in the air, and you look at him. “There you are. So, what about you? Are you even allowed to be here? Did bars change their policies?”

You can’t help but snort. “I’m 25.”

Wade looms closer, lowering his voice. “Now that I think about it, you could totally be Logan’s caretaker. He’s been having some issues recently, given his age. Do you… know anything about adult diapers?”

But then Logan’s face contorts, turning crimson. He rises from his seat, grabbing Wade’s arm. “That’s it. We’re leavin’,” his eyes lock on you for a moment. “How much do I owe you?”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s on the house.”

The things you’re willing to do for a man, right? You should be ashamed of yourself.

(But you aren’t.)

His mouth hangs open in disbelief. “Kiddo, are you–”

“Completely sure,” you finish his sentence for him, bowing your head and clasping your arms behind your body. A tight-lipped smile takes over you. “Just don’t tell my boss.”

Wade shifts his gaze back and forth between Logan and you. “I usually don’t mind third-wheeling, but I sort of feel left out.”

“I’m gonna sew your mouth shut, Wade.”

“Oh, come on! I was just making small talk,” the masked man tries to excuse himself while Logan pushes him towards the door. “It was a pleasure meeting you, sunshine. I’m free on Thursdays. Hit me up if his whiskey dick fails to impress you! Mine’s way more agile and young!”

As you watch them leave the bar, you remain frozen in your place amidst the clamor of ongoing chatter and clinking glasses.

What the fuck had just happened?

“Patrick’s normally the first one to get wasted during weekends,” you explain to the blonde woman sitting in front of you, and she writes that information down in her notebook. “He can usually handle himself, but at some point, he’ll try to call his ex-wife, and that’s when you know you need to stop serving him.”

She clicks her tongue, the color draining out of her face. “This is… definitely a lot to remember. I think I already forgot half of what you said.”

You shake your head, shoving your hands in your pockets. “You’ll get used to it, believe me. I’ll be with you at all times, so if you have any doubts, just ask me.”

After a whole year of working solo at the bar, you finally get to have a coworker: Gwen, a mother of two teenagers in her forties. You had met her at the grocery store, and in the process of helping her find a specific brand of cookies, you found out that she had recently lost her job. One thing led to another, and now she’s your trainee.

Your savior complex strikes again!

It has been four days since your first encounter with Logan. The thought that he could show up at any moment makes your heart race and your hands sweat. Allison had received countless voice messages where you narrated the entire experience in full detail. 

Touching your arm softly, Gwen’s face lights up. “Another man came in. Is he a regular? I don’t think you told me about him.”

Fuck, it’s him. Manifesting does work wonders. He locks eyes with you and raises a hand in greeting.

“Leave this one to me,” you tell her as your feet take you to where Logan’s sitting, contemplating the way in which his leather jacket hugs his wide frame. “Long time no see.”

“Hey, kid,” he grins. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much. Nobody has puked yet, so that’s a good thing,” you crinkle your nose, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. “Whiskey?”

“You know me so well,” a smirk takes place in his lips, and he smiles cockily. “Though this time, I won’t be leavin’ without payin’.”

“We’ll see about that,” you go back to your usual spot behind the counter, looking for a glass. Your cheeks kind of hurt from smiling so hard. Next to you, Gwen studies your reaction to seeing Logan. “Is that your boyfriend?”

You almost drop the whiskey bottle. “God, no. He’s not my boyfriend. Barely know the guy.”

“It’s funny,” she says, raising her eyebrows with a knowing look, as if she knows something you don’t. “He hasn’t stopped looking at you since he arrived.”

“It’s probably because of this,” you reply, lifting the bottle in her direction before pouring a small amount into a glass. Just as you’re about to walk over to him, a girl slides into the sit beside him, her long blonde hair swept up in a ponytail. She’s wearing a stunning red dress and black heels. You wonder if she’s a model, because she certainly looks like one.

Her hand creeps up his arm, fingernails scraping against the worn leather. Although Logan’s expression is hard to read, he doesn’t even flinch.

“You know what? Here’s his drink– You take care of it. I’ll stay here,” you don’t give Gwen a chance to talk back, instead staying behind the bar, engaging in small talk with other clients. 

“Doll, are you okay?” Adam asks you after noticing you struggling to open a beer bottle. He takes it from your hands and opens it with ease. “There you go.”

“Thank you, Adam. I’m fine, never been better. Why you ask?

“You sure?”

“Affirmative.”

“You mixed up our drinks,” he explains in his most psychologist-like voice. “This never happens to you. Michael has my wine, and I’ve got his martini.”

“Fuck! I’m so sorry. I just— I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” you chew on your bottom lip, rubbing your temples. “I feel stupid.”

“Oh, please. Don’t say that. You’re far from being stupid,” he sits up straight, reaching for your fingers and giving them an apologetic squeeze. “If you ask me, I think you’ve got your mind on someone else,” he must notice how you visibly get tense because he adds: “Remember: I know when you’re lying. You didn’t charge him the other day, which means that you must really like him,” taking a tentative sip of the martini he didn’t even ordered, Adam shrugs. “I’m a great observer. That’s all.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you see the blonde girl from before returning to where her friends are chatting. Logan is left alone, and you watch him grab his glass and head towards the counter.

“As I said, your mind’s somewhere else,” Adam sighs, a tiny smirk tugging at his lips. “Go get your man. I’ll survive.”

“Not my man. But thanks, older-and-wiser-version-of-cupid.”

Pretending not to have seen Logan, you continue with your work. He remains silent for some minutes before finally saying: “Hi.”

Hi? It sounds so out of character for him.

“Hey, claws,” you force a smile, still avoiding to meet his gaze. “Do you need anything?”

Logan points to his empty glass, like a toddler asking for more cereal. “I also wanted to talk to you.”

“I thought you were busy over there,” you say, surprisingly managing to sound nonchalant, despite the jealousy bubbling underneath your friendly tone. “Did you get her number?”

“What? No.”

“Why not? She’s cute.”

Yeah, maybe you don’t sound as collected as you think.

Whether Logan notices it or not, he chooses not to mention it. He folds his arms over his chest, fixing his brown eyes on you. “I’m not interested.”

“And what is it that interests you, champ?” your question elicits a low chuckle from him. Just as he opens his mouth to seemingly reply, Gwen appears out of nowhere to ask you about the price of a certain drink. Your gaze shifts between her and Logan, who remains focused on you while sipping his drink.

After that, Gwen leaves. The man in front of you goes poker-faced, pursing his lips, and his abrupt change in demeanor alarms you. “Wade wants to have dinner tomorrow at his apartment– well, our apartment. I live with him now. It’s complicated,” he adds with a dismissive wave of his hand, and you laugh. “Anyway, he asked me to tell you that you’re invited. I know we don’t know each other that much, but… he said you seem like someone worth havin’ around,” he mumbles awkwardly, eyes downcast. “I think the same as well.”

You could die at peace.

“You’re a lucky fucker because I don’t work on Sundays,” you quip, smiling. “I’d be more than happy to attend your feast.”

“Great. I thought you would turn down the invitation.”

“Now why would you think that?”

“‘Cause you barely know me– us,” he corrects himself rapidly. “Plus, Wade’s annoying as hell when he puts his mind to it. You’ll see.”

“Marital problems?” he actually in response. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’. Oh, I’ll bring the dessert.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I do want to,” you tilt your head in an effort to hide your longing for him.

“Just want to get under my skin, huh? I can see why Wade likes you,” Logan beams, reaching out to tuck a $100 bill into the pocket of your apron. “The tip’s included.”

“I don’t know how things work in your universe, but you’re giving me way more money than you’re supposed to. I can't accept this.”

“Oh, but you will,” his gravelly voice fucks your system up, and you’re glad he can’t see how you squeeze your legs together behind the bar.

He writes down Wade’s address on a random napkin, holding his breath as he stands up. “I should get goin’. See you tomorrow then.”

Before he walks out the door, you stop him. “Logan? You didn’t answer my other question.”

His back shakes momentarily with laughter. Turning around to face you, his stare leaves you even more confused. “Good night, doll.”

This is becoming a habit: every time he goes away, you feel as though you’ve just run a marathon with no water available. Your mouth is completely dry, your fingers are numb and there’s a knot in your stomach that’s becoming all too familiar.

“Would you mind telling me where you got him?” Gwen’s voice makes you almost jump out of your skin.

“He’s not from around here. I think he’s Canadian.”

You’ve got this. You’ve got this. You’ve got this.

Knocking softly on Wade’s door, you step back, the container holding the tiramisu cold to your touch. It’s your first time trying out this recipe, so you’re expecting it to at least not taste like shit.

Wade answers the apartment door, acting surprised when you remain silent. “Well, look what the wind blew in: if it isn’t my husband’s lover. How dare you? We’re still going to couples therapy.”

You show him the container, and he squints at it. “Tiramisu. You want it or not?”

“I hate twenty-somethings,” he says with a defeated sigh, stepping aside to let you into the apartment. 

Leaving your purse on the nearest surface, you scan the living room, wondering where Logan might be. There’s a small mirror beneath the couch, and you check yourself for the hundredth time tonight. “Don’t get too excited. He’s still showering,” Wade’s voice rings in your ears, and you turn to look at him, your eyebrows knitted. “Yeah. I noticed. You’re already drooling over that big piece of metal between his legs.”

“Keep quiet!” you cover his mouth with your palm, noticing the scarred state of his skin up close. “Wade, you fucking dog. Are you licking my hand?”

“Couldn’t help it. You taste like mascarpone cheese and espresso.”

Then Logan emerges from the bathroom, with only a white towel draped around his waist. Droplets of water fall from his wet hair, tracing the muscle of his abs, ending somewhere beneath his happy trail. Your eyes keep flickering between him and his torso until he clears his throat. “I thought you were comin’ later.”

“Me too, but I…,” you trail off, your brain struggling to catch up, “I didn’t know what else to do at my place.”

“It’s fine. Just– let me put on some clothes.”

“Please don’t,” Wade murmurs next to you, but Logan only scoffs. “I was just being honest. Communication is key.”

When Wade and you are alone again, he lets out a harsh breath. “That was probably the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. My pants are really tight right now.”

“Thin walls, buddy!” Logan shouts from his bedroom, earning a laugh from you. 

Like A Prayer starts playing. Wade moves his hips to the beat, getting lost in the melody. “Is that your phone?”

“Yeah, but I always take a few seconds to dance to it. Such a banger!” he says, then picks up his phone, accepting the call. “Hey, Ness! What´s up?” Wade covers the speaker before telling you: “It’s Vanessa. My ex-girlfriend. We fuck once a week, sometimes even twice.”

From behind, Logan nudges your arm with his, looking at you. ”Hey, kid.”

“No, I’m not busy at all,” Wade exclaims, grabbing his crotch and thrusting into the air. “I’ll be there in ten, cupcake. See you,” he spreads his arms wide and whistles. “Someone’s getting laid tonight!”

“You made me come all the way here… and now you’re leaving?”

“What? My friend Wolverine wanted to invite you over. I just had to provide the apartment,” in one quick movement, he presses a kiss to your cheek, then does the same to Logan. “Shave yourself, will you?”

“Go fuck yourself, will you?”

“Love you too, honey. Hope you two lovebirds have a good night, because I know I will!”

Wade throws a wink over his shoulder before heading out, the apartment going dead silent. Logan and you stand frozen, staring at each other, although he quickly drops his gaze, unable to maintain eye contact. A giggle threatens to escape you: he wanted to see you. Could he possibly enjoy your company as much as you enjoy his?

Logan watches the spot where Wave had just been. The absence of his chaotic energy makes the room feel strangely empty now. He coughs lightly, the sound awkwardly loud in the quiet room.

“So... I, uh, bought pizza,” he says, his voice a little too casual, as if trying to cover up his nervousness. Averting his eyes, he focuses on the pizza boxes on the table.

You catch the hesitation in his tone, your curiosity piqued by his discomfort. Tilting your head, a teasing smile forms on your lips. “Pizza, huh? You sure know how to impress a girl.”

Logan chuckles, the sound strained, as he scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, well, I figured it was a safe choice. Didn’t want to ruin it, y’know?”

You move closer to the table, the warmth from the pizza boxes radiating against your hands as you open one of them. The rich smell of melted cheese and pepperoni fills the air, a comforting scent that makes your stomach growl softly. “Thank you. I’m a big fan of pizza.”

He sits in the chair across from you, taking a bite of his slice. You watch him quietly, your own thoughts churning. The truth of his origins had been a shock at first, but now, it just made you want to know more about the man. What was his life like in the other universe? Did he miss it? Was he happier here, or was he longing to return?

“Logan…,” you begin, your tone gentle but probing, “Can I ask you something?”

He glances up at you, eyes widening. There’s something in your eyes –an understanding, maybe– that makes him feel like you could see right through him. 

“Sure,” he replies, trying to sound more at ease than he really feels. “Ask away.”

You hesitate for a moment, not wanting to push too hard. “I was wondering... would it be okay if I asked you some questions? About, you know, your life. Where you're from.”

The bite of pizza suddenly feels heavy in his mouth. He hadn’t talked much about his world, not even with Wade. Partly because it was too painful, and partly because he wasn’t sure how to explain how things turned out for him. He nods slowly, setting his slice down. “Yeah, it's okay. I’ll answer what I can.”

“I just... I want to understand you better.”

“Well, first and foremost, I’m no hero. You should know that by now.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Kid, I’m the worst Logan. A complete failure. Of all the variants out there, Wade just had to pick the one despised by every living soul on his earth,” Logan looks away, his voice low and heavy. You’re wondering if doing this was a good idea. “I need a drink.”

He gets up and you follow him into the kitchen. He rummages through the fridge, in search of a cold beer. Meanwhile, you attempt to find the right words. “I don’t think–”

With a sharp flick of his wrist, three metal claws sprout from between his knuckles. A gasp catches in your throat as he uses his claws to pierce the beer can, drinking from the punctured holes. Once he’s done, he goes back to staring at you. Your gaze, on the other hand, is still glued to the now-empty beer can. “What?” he asks, exhaling slowly.

“That was completely unnecessary,” you mutter, and he lets out a bitter chuckle, tossing the can into the trash. “But, back to what you said before– I don’t think you’re the worst Logan.”

“You didn’t know me back then, darlin’. I fucked it up,” he leans against the counter, arms crossed defensively over his chest. “Like the Logan from this universe, I once belonged to the X-Men too. I remember that Scott used to beg me to wear my suit. So did Jean, Storm, Beast– All of them,” his gaze grows more distant, and you can tell that memories are flooding his mind. “Wanted me to be part of the team, but I wouldn’t do it. Told them they looked fucking ridiculous.”

The pizza’s long forgotten. You take the risk and get a bit closer to him, your eyes never leaving his. 

Logan’s silence stretches for a moment before he speaks again. “One day, while I was off on my own, the humans came. They went mutant hunting.”

Your heart clenches at the pain in his voice. He still remembers everything as if it had happened yesterday. “I can guess the rest. You don’t have to–”

But he cuts you off. “No, let me say it. I need to say it,” he takes a deep breath, lowering his head. “By the time I stumbled home, shit-faced from the bar, it was too late. They were dead. They called after me and I walked away.”

Reaching out, your hand gently brushes against his. He doesn’t pull away, but instead searches for your eyes. “My suit's all I've got to remind me of who they were. What I did. I found them and they were… dead. I started killing, and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. I turned the whole world against the X-Men.”

You tighten your grip on his hand, knowing there’s nothing you can do to change how he feels. “You’re not a bad person, Logan,” he shakes his head, mumbling something you can’t quite catch. “I mean it. What happened back then doesn’t define you. You took the blame for their deaths upon yourself. I can tell you loved them deeply, and I’ll never fully understand the pain you feel. I wish I could. I wish I could take it away, make you forget somehow, but I can’t. That’s not how life works. But you got your second chance: you saved this world. My world,” gently cupping his face in your hands, you allow your fingers to caress his cheeks. He leans into your touch, watching you with half-lidded eyes. “You’re my hero. I’m your biggest fan– after Wade, obviously, which is a lot to say.”

He grins, letting out a laugh. “Easy there, bub.”

“Should I give you some space?”

That’s the last thing he wants from you right now. You already know that as he looks you up and down, placing his hands on the small of your back, his thumbs drawing small circles on your skin. There’s no turning back– The warmth between you feels almost like a fever dream. “For a long time, all I wanted was to disappear. I couldn’t stand waking up every morning, knowing that another day awaited me.”

“And what happened?” your breath mingles with his, his closeness becoming nearly intoxicating. “What changed?”

“I met a pretty girl at a pub, that’s what happened,” he murmurs, his dilated pupils flicking up to meet your gaze. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

“Do all your kisses come with a warning?”

“God, do you ever shut up?”

You don’t have time to respond because he kisses you there and then. His stubble scrapes your skin as your mouths meet again and again, needy hands that hold you as if you were prone to breaking. Logan licks into your mouth, sliding his tongue against yours and swallowing every one of your whimpers.

“So this is what it takes to shut you up, huh?” he murmurs against your lips. You can feel him smiling, and it makes your heart skip a beat. 

“Keep talking and you won’t get a single bite of my tiramisu,” you tease him, kissing him again, the taste of beer numbing your senses. “I really like kissing you.”

“The feeling’s mutual, but now that you’ve mentioned that tiramisu…”

“Am I that easily replaced?”

“No. You’re just a pain in the ass.”

Jokes aside, you’re as happy as a clam.

Since that night you and Logan kissed, you’ve been living your best life. Like a freaking schoolgirl with a crush. Some things never seem to change.

He hasn’t been to the bar in three days. Yes, you’re counting them. No, you haven’t lost your mind. You want to see him, but there’s something about making the first move that gives you the chills. What would his reaction be if you showed outside of apartment?

It’s been a long time since you’ve been with anybody. On top of that, all the guys you’ve dated were your age. Being with someone that older than you certainly wasn’t no your plans. You’d be lying if you said that the mere idea of being with him in that way didn’t excite you.

Oh boy, you miss him. You miss his scruffy voice, his gorgeous hair. And you two aren’t even official yet. To be honest, you don’t even know what he wants from you. Is he even the type to be in a relationship?

“Nighty night, gentlemen,” you say to Gary and his friends as you find yourself in front of them, smoothing your apron. Gwen had called in sick tonight, so it’s just you at the bar babysitting a bunch of grown-men.

“What’s up, doll? You’ve forgotten about us. We miss you coming in here to chat,” Gary’s eating his burger at the same time he speaks, something you find repulsive, but you’ve seen worse. “Y’know, I’d love to take you out someday. I have a place you’d like.”

The other men laugh and punch him in the back, just boosting his ego. Pathetic. 

“I’ll let you know when I’m free,” you reply with the most polite smile you can offer, intending to go on. “What are you having tonight?”

“You always pull that shit, baby. I don’t think you’re so busy that you can’t accept a date.”

You hate the way he’s looking at you, as if you were wrong for not being interested. As if you didn’t know any better.

“You’re reading minds now? Shocking, Gary.”

“Oh, doll. That attitude of yours shows you’ve never been with a real man like me, that’s all,” he leans back in his chair, resting one of his arms on the table and the other one near his crotch, manspreading. “It’s alright. I like you bratty.”

“I’ll be back when you finally have something to order,” you attempt to turn around but he grabs your wrist, pulling you closer. Your eyes lock, and he seems to enjoy this: being in control. Like a predator hunting his prey. “Come on, Gary. I don’t want to have to kick you out.”

“It’s not that you don't like me, right? You’ve already got your mouth full.”

“Careful.”

“What? Don’t tell me you’re not fucking that useless mutant. I see you like ‘em older. Pretty little things like you drive me wild.”

You laugh in his face, showing him your teeth. “It was never about your age, Gary. You’re right: I do like them older. I’m just not into bald, vertically-challenged pricks.”

His entourage of idiots goes silent after that. He looks up at you, eyes burning with hatred. His grip on your wrist tightens, probably leaving a mark. “Fucking bitch.”

“Get your hands off her.”

Logan’s voice forces the two of you to look in his direction. It seems that he’s just arrived at the pub, his jacket still on. 

“You joining us? We’re just getting started here, big boy.”

“Did you not hear me?” Logan lunges forward, his nose almost touching Gary’s. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

“Easy there, cowboy. I’m just having a chat with your girl. She’s one of the good ones, I’ll give you that,” arching a sly brow, his forehead puckers. “You don’t like sharing? We can even take turns.”

Logan clenches his jaw, lips set in a grim line. “Say one more word, and I’ll fucking kill you.”

“I’ll give you a full sentence instead: can you even get it up?” 

The tension in the air is thick, every second stretching out as Logan's anger simmers dangerously close to the surface. Gary’s smug grin only makes it worse, pushing him to the edge. Before you can react, Logan’s fist swings forward, connecting with Gary’s jaw with a sickening crack. Gary staggers back, realising your wrist. Blood seeps from his nose, his white shirt becoming stained with it. “You fucker! You broke my nose!”

“We’re just getting started here, big boy,” Logan mocks him, repeating his previous words.

“Stop!” you shout, moving quickly to grab his arm, trying to pull him back. But he’s beyond hearing, his rage blinding him to everything else. He shakes you off, and with a fierce growl, drives another punch into Gary’s stomach. The latter doubles over, gasping for air, the wind knocked out of him. He then falls to the floor, curling into a ball. People start to gather around you, and soon your beloved bar becomes a box ring.

“That’s enough, Logan! He’s barely conscious,” you murmur under your breath, stepping between them, hands up in a desperate attempt to create some space. Logan pauses, chest heaving, fists still clenched, as he finally looks at you. The wildness in his eyes starts to fade, replaced by a dawning realization of what he’s done.

“He deserved it,” he nods vigorously to himself, as if trying to explain his point. “He was hurting you.”

“If you keep that up, you’re going to kill him. My bar is not a fucking cemetery,” your voice trembles a little bit, expecting to talk some sense into him. “I won’t let you do this.”

The room is quiet now, the only sound being Logan’s heavy breathing as he stands there, still tense, still processing. You turn to Gary’s friends, cold fury in your eyes. “Get him out of here,” you watch as they haul him up, practically dragging him to the door. The other clients continue to stare at Logan, their mouths hanging open. “Everybody out, right now! Go home. We’re closing earlier tonight.”

Adam is the last person to leave, slamming the door behind him. You rush to the counter, searching for a mop to clean the fresh blood off the floor. Still agitated, the images of Logan hitting Gary flash in your mind. He approaches you from behind, his fingers circling your forearm. “Bub–”

“Don’t. Now is not the time.”

“I was protecting you.”

“I told you to stop, and you didn’t. You just shook me off,” you snap, glancing at his knuckles which are not even bruised. Slamming your eyes shut, you get to your feet and wash your hands in the sink, the remaining water becoming reddish for a moment.

Logan moves closer, resting his chin on your shoulder. He wraps his arms lazily around your middle section. ”I’m sorry.”

You turn in his arms, your back flushed against the sink and your nose in the air. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I don’t have a phone.”

“But– Jesus, Logan. You could’ve come sooner. I thought you regretted what happened the other day,” you say and the muscles in his face twitch, his body stiffening at your words. “Thought you no longer wanted me.”

“No, bub. I– I still want you. I want all of you, trust me,” he murmurs, and you allow him to press his body against yours, the scent of the cigar he must have smoked recently enveloping your senses. “I just… don’t know how to do this. I have a habit of ruining things, and I’m trying to figure out the best way to be with you without hurting you.”

“Pushing me away also hurts,” your eyes flick up to meet his gaze again, and he whispers under his breath. “I can’t read your mind. You need to tell me what’s going on in that ancient skull of yours.”

His face falters, flashing you a mischievous look. His hand creeps under the fabric of your shirt, fingernails scrapping against your spine. “I’m sorry, princess. I truly am.”

“You can���t just say ‘sorry’ with that voice and expect me to–”

You’re cut off by his lips crashing down onto yours. You melt into the kiss, unable to deny what your body has been craving for the past days. 

“I thought your kisses came with a warning,” you say, detaching your mouth from his, a smile spreading uncontrollably in your face as you see his toothy grin.

“Shut up and kiss me, will you?”

In a clash of tongues and teeth, your mouths meet once again. Tugging the hair at his nape, you feel him growl against your lips. His strong hands trace every curve of your body, kneading the flesh of your hips and undoing the knot at the back of your apron. You’re becoming one with the sink, but in a moment like this, you couldn’t care less. Logan’s hard on nudges your lower stomach, and he ruts against you like an animal.

“You said you wanted to know what’s on my mind, right?” his teeth nibble on the skin of your neck, syrupy voice going straight to your core. “Well, I’d love nothing more than to touch you right now.”

“Right here? On the counter?”

“Yeah, on the fucking counter,” he grabs you by your thighs, hosting you up and placing your body on top of the cold bar. He nudges your knees apart, his bulge meeting your clothed cunt deliciously. “Will you let me, baby? Can I make you come in here?”

“Please. I’m glad we have such a low budget. Camera installment is t–too expensive these days.”

“Do you always talk this much?” he slowly unbuttons your pants, and you help him to remove them.

“Yes. Next question,” your breath hitches in your throat as you feel the pad of his thumb circling your clit through your panties. Your eyelids drop, your head lolling back. “Fuck, that feels good.”

Logan hums, mesmerized with the way your hips roll into his hand, your whimpers sounding like music to his ears. “You have any idea how I felt when I saw him touching you? Wanted to rip his hands off you,” his eyes drift to your chest, how it rises and falls with impatience. “But it’s me who gets to have you like this. He can fantasize about you all he wants: I’m the only one who touches you, ain’t I right?” you sigh with content as his fingers graze your slit, aimlessly bucking your hips. He doesn’t go any further, and you tug at the collar of his flannel, needing more of his callousand hands on you. “Nuh-uh. You want something, you gotta use your words. Got it?”

“I w–want your fingers inside me,” you don’t even recognize your own voice at this point. The few guys you had slept with had never been very talkative during sex. But Logan isn’t like them. This is just the beginning and you’re already starting to realize that he has a dirty mouth, that expectant look on his face as he waits to see your reaction to his words. “Please, Logan. I want you so bad.”

“Oh, I know, bub. There’s something about me I don’t think you know,” he inserts one of his fingers in your cunt, your slick coating the palm of his hand. “These claws I have… they didn’t come on their own. Let’s just say my sense of smell is… pretty good,” Logan can almost see the gears turning in your head as you try to think coherently. He moves his middle finger in and out of you, stretching your walls. “And you… have been wet ever since the first time you saw me. Always nice to everybody, making sure they feel at ease,” you feel like you’re being stretched even further, another one of his fingers sinking into your warm pussy. “But you’re so needy, too. How long has it been since someone touched you like this?”

“Too long, f–fuck. Too long,” you’re squirming, a totally whiny mess. He retratcs his wet fingers and instead goes back to flicking your clit, this time with much less delicacy. His left hand squeezes your tits, and you hate the fact that you’re still wearing clothes. “Shit, Logan. I need you to fuck me. Please. Need your cock.”

His face comes to rest at your neck, and you feel lingering kisses and bites that keep you grounded to earth. “Not here. I need a bed to fuck you properly. You’re only getting my fingers now,” he positions them inches away from your entrance, testing your patience. “Tell me who owns this pussy.”

“L-logan–”

“Tell me and I’ll make you come,” his husky voice is making you dizzy, tears shimmering in your eyes. “Come on. Know you want it as much as I do.”

You succumb to the tentation, like divinity turned to sin. He kisses you roughly, and you struggle to find the correct words. “It’s you, Logan. You own my pussy. It’s f-fucking yours.”

With that, he goes back to nudging that spot that makes you see starts, that filthy squelching sound getting mixed up with your moans. The knot in your belly keeps growing tighter the more he pumps his fingers in and out of you. 

“I said you were only getting my fingers for now, but fuck… I need to gest a taste of this sweet cunt.”

He’s on his knees in an instant, urging your legs apart to make room for his body. Your thighs tighten around his face as he licks a hot stripe up your folds, tracing a heated path on your cunt, not wishing to waste a single second. Pleasure builds quickly, your breath hitching as your hands find their way into his hair, pulling him closer when your body begins to tremble. 

“I’m close,” you pant, breathing hard, grinding your hips against his face. “I’m so close.”

“That’s it. Come in my mouth like the good girl you are.”

Who had given him a damn script for this?

The release is explosive. Like the peak of a roller coaster: you go up up up, ascending higher. You think you almost see Jesus, but at some point, you also have to crash down with force. Your shoulders slump, your entire body cramping up; yet he doesn’t let you go that easily, his fingers still working, scissoring within you while you ride out the final waves of your high, drawing out every last moment of ecstasy.

Once you finally manage to open your eyes, there he is, staring down at you. He taps your lower lip with his fingers, and then mutters: “Open.”

And you do, because you’re just as messed up as he is. Your mouth parts, and he slides his fingers between your lips, dragging them smoothly across your tongue. His knuckles brush the back of your throat, and you gag around the intrusion, tasting yourself. He pulls his fingers out of your mouth, clearly satisfied with the way you’ve cleaned them off.

“I think we should really pay a visit to your apartment,” he suggests, groaning in defeat, and you feel his bulge poking your hip. He must be painfully hard. “I meant what I said earlier. I need a bed if we’re going to fuck. My back’s hurting.”

You raise an eyebrow, the corner of your mouth curving into a smirk. “Why not go to yours?”

“Wade’s in there. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.”

You can’t help but laugh, pausing a moment to collect your thoughts, heat rising to your cheeks. “So we’re going rodeo?”

Aiming to silence up, Logan kisses you, pinching your chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Only if you can handle it.”

part 2: “GIVE ME THE FIRST TASTE”

dividers by: @/cafekitsune thank you!!! :)

[cryscendo]

Hi, how about an abrupt,  heated kiss during the middle of a fight for Klaine?

i bet you didn’t think i would ever respond to this!! well i will say that i kinda ran away with this plot a bit. does it fit the prompt? only vaguely. BUT it’s another thrilling installment to my angel/demon au with a bit more lore thrown in. dedicating it to you as well as @porcelainvino for their various art pieces for this au <3 hope you love it and sorry for the wait!!

Paring: Kurt Hummel/Blaine Anderson

Word Count: 2030

Rating: T

AU: Angel/Demon AU

fic can be read under the cut <3

There were a lot of things that turned out to be just as unpleasant about falling, not including the actual falling part.

For one, he was weaker than he used to be. He did suspect that would happen, but it still hurt his ego a bit. He used to have so much power that he often didn’t even know what all to do with it. Not that he really could do much with it anyway; the big men upstairs never allowed much fun to be had. More time was spent existing as a militant entity than was spent actually basking in the alleged splendor that was heaven.

If given the option between going back to that or experiencing the pain of falling all over again, Kurt would choose to fall every damn day.

Besides, angels don’t get to play with humans like they’re Barbie dolls. And that’s way more fun.

The man before him, unsuspecting and ignorant, saw Kurt at a bar and thought he’d be an easy target. Kurt knew he perfectly looked the part of a young man getting his first drink at a bar as a twenty-one year old. Aging was such an earthly concept and Kurt was not burdened with it. But to an older man, the illusion of wide-eyed innocence was all too compelling.

Kurt claimed he ‘knew a spot’, which was just as cliché as it sounded, but it was effective nonetheless. Apparently intelligence didn’t always come with age.

It wasn’t long after he got the man to the abandoned storage facility that he knew something was terribly, terribly wrong. Not soon enough, though, for Kurt had already made quick work of knocking the man out and handcuffing him to a chair. When he came to once more, it was in a fit of panic.

“Look, I didn’t sign up for this kind of crazy! So just let me go, okay?” The man pleaded with Kurt and it was charming if nothing else. Kurt leaned over him, one knee braced against the chair in a way that could be seen as provocative in any other circumstance.

“What, am I too old for you?” Kurt asked in a mocking whine. “I swear, I’m only twenty, maybe thirty centuries old!”

“Whatever game you’re playing here, kid, I’m not interested so just let me-”

“Let him go, Kurt,” a voice spoke up behind him. Kurt grinned as he straightened up. Of course he would show up. It was impossible for him to stay away. He made a bit of a show of turning around to face the new arrival — his favorite little angel.

He turned towards the voice, maintaining his flirty tone. “Just can’t stay away from me, can you?”

“You could say that,” Blaine replied and that’s when Kurt saw it — the glint of a blade held discreetly in his palm. He recognized the weapon, as it was a piece from Heaven’s arsenal. See, a regular knife couldn’t kill Kurt.

But that one could.

Kurt’s grin dropped as he backed away from the man strapped to the chair, and subsequently also away from Blaine. “What do you think you’re doing with that?”

“You attract too much attention to yourself.”

“Well, I can’t help but pull focus,” Kurt responded in a rather clipped manner. The man in the chair began to panic even more upon being approached by Blaine.

“Listen, man,” the guy began quickly, “you don’t need to kill him or anything! Just let me go and I’ll be on my way!”

Blaine’s eyes flickered down to the stranger, eerily calm. “You don’t need to see this,” he said simply and before the man could even begin to reply, Blaine rested his palm to his forehead, immediately knocking him out. Putting a human to sleep rather than killing them; that was so painfully just like Blaine to do.

“Why do you have that thing?” Kurt interrogated the second that the man was unconscious.

Blaine turned the knife a bit in his hand as if observing it. “Come on, Kurt, you know exactly what this is.”

Kurt maintained a semi-safe distance. “Why do you need that thing to kill me? You’ve never needed that for a demon before.” It was true. Blaine could take down a demon easily. It made them cruelly unmatched. Blaine had never threatened to kill him before, but it would be undoubtedly easy for him to do so should he want to. For Blaine, a demon is an easy target. He was an easy target.

Unless…

Kurt’s grin returned. “You can’t kill me, can you?” He asked coyly.

Blaine remained serious, but Kurt could see a crack in his expression letting on that he was nervous. Kurt seemed to always have that effect on him. “Not at my rank, no,” he said simply, but Kurt knew what he meant. He wasn’t strong enough to take out Kurt. An ordinary demon, he’d have no problem. But as luck would have it, Kurt wasn’t an ordinary demon.

Kurt took a risk. He moved a few steps towards Blaine and the weapon he possessed. “You’re not going to kill me.”

“I could.”

A few more steps. “But you won’t.”

“I might.”

“But you won’t.” Kurt was directly in front of him now. He knew it was a dangerous game, but he had a point to prove. “Because if you were going to, you would’ve done it already. So tell me angel, was this a direct order from one of your bossmen, or are you just simply that obsessed with me?”

“Don’t push your luck, Kurt,” Blaine spoke, gravely serious.

“Or what?” Kurt challenged. He could feel Blaine’s steady breaths from just how close they were. Blaine’s gaze met his evenly. “If you’re going to kill me, then do it. I’m wide open.” Kurt tilted his head a fraction, his eyes alight with the rush that comes with toying with Blaine. His tone shifted into something devilishly flirtatious as he spoke again. “So, y’know, take me, I’m yours and all that.”

It was then that Blaine sprung into action. With quick work, he managed to securely grip onto the collar of Kurt’s shirt, using his strength over the other to force Kurt backwards. There was a time where Kurt may have been stronger than him. But Kurt gave all that up, and he still refused to regret it.

That didn’t mean he loved Blaine constantly using that fact against him.

Blaine got him against a wall with one particularly rough push. Kurt felt the brittle wall crack slightly behind him. Fuck, Blaine was strong.

Blaine was strong.

Once Blaine has Kurt pinned defenseless against the wall, he brings the blade down. Kurt doesn’t know whether it was thanks to adrenaline, or his own sense of speed in the face of self-preservation, but he reached up and circled his fingers around Blaine’s wrist before he could manage to connect the weapon.

The blade stilled, suspended in the air between them. Kurt imagined the scene was almost picturesque in a way — him pressed between Blaine’s firm body and the unforgiving wall, his long fingers locked around Blaine’s wrist. Angel and demon. Lovers. Enemies.

Blaine really was going to kill him.

Their shared breathing revealed the exhaustion that their overexertion had caused. Kurt knew, given his current position, he was fully at Blaine’s mercy. The mercy of an angel who just tried to kill him.

That gave Kurt little other choice. Slowly, he tugged at Blaine’s wrist until the blade was sitting just above his throat. He leveled Blaine with a steely look, deathly serious. “Well, go ahead, angel. Do what you gotta do.”

“I don’t want to kill you, Kurt,” Blaine clarified, but didn’t pull the blade away.

“Could’ve fooled me,” he bit out before he could even think to check his tone. This was, in large part, his own doing. He opened the door for Blaine to corner him, he really had no right to be upset about it actually occurring. Even in his current position, Kurt couldn’t refrain from looking down his nose at Blaine, hoping to properly demonstrate his distaste from his present circumstances. “I’m guessing you got assigned a job from one of the big men upstairs?”

“You’re lucky that it’s me and not someone else.”

“Oh yeah, I sure feel lucky.” Kurt’s fingers twitched around Blaine’s wrist as he continued to hold the blade close to Kurt’s throat. But hasn’t pressed in yet, and Kurt cannot fathom why. He has the perfect opportunity. Kurt is basically giving him a free pass, so why isn’t he going for it? “Well?”

Blaine’s grip on the weapon slacked just a bit. “Nothing is ever easy with you.”

“So why don’t you take care of the problem?”

Blaine said nothing, did nothing. He only stood and continued to watch Kurt in silence, and Kurt could practically see the flurry of thoughts swirl around in Blaine’s head. Kurt almost felt bad for the guy; he knew that he didn’t make Blaine’s job simple, and admittedly, does very little to combat that fact.

Eventually, though, Blaine shakes his head. “You’re right. I won’t do it.”

The sound of the metal blade clattering to the ground reverberated discordantly off the walls of the warehouse.

Kurt took no time to ponder Blaine’s decision to spare him. Instead, he kicked the weapon away from the two of them and then, in quick succession, flipped their two positions. Blaine didn’t put up any fight with being pushed up against the wall himself. He could break free if he really wanted to. He chose not to.

“Do you still love me, Blaine?” Kurt asked, not ready for the words to fall from his mouth before they did.

“Are demons even capable of love?”

Kurt wasn’t sure. Maybe demons who never experienced love aren’t. Love is formed from soul, grace, and humanity, of which demons have none.

But Kurt wasn’t always a demon, and he still didn’t really fit the mold of one. Fallen angels are different from regular demons. They still possess morality, at least to some extent. It was just like Kurt to never really fit in anywhere.

“Do you? Still love me?”

Honey colored eyes gazed at Kurt with something akin to sympathy, which would burn his blood if it weren’t for the fact that he so desperately needed a response.

Blaine nodded.

Kurt kissed him. He didn’t even hesitate. With Blaine pinned up against the wall, it was easy for him to leverage a searing, bruising kiss against soft lips. Blaine always tasted the same, like coffee, — such an earthly pleasure that he achieved no benefit from and only chose to indulge for its luxury — and something else a touch more divine. Kurt couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but it tasted vaguely familiar from the holy kingdom that he was no longer welcome to.

Kurt pulled away with a sigh. Blaine panted quietly, a faintly pink blush forming under tanned skin. Kurt was right about one thing, Blaine was an angel — in every sense of the word.

“I don’t suppose I can convince you to disappear for your own safety?” Blaine eventually asked.

Kurt smiled. “Not a chance in hell.”

Blaine nodded in understanding, as if he already anticipated Kurt’s response. “You always were stubborn to a fault.”

Blaine wasn’t wrong. And as much as he would love to stand here with Blaine forever, it wasn’t wise to hang around angels for too long — even if the angel in question was Blaine.

He finally stepped away from Blaine, allowing the man some space. Kurt glanced over to the man tied to the chair. He had forgotten that guy was here. He was simply a means to an end, afterall.

“You may want to wipe that guy’s mind, angel. Or else he’s going to be a real problem when he wakes up.”

Kurt headed towards the exit of the building, but not before Blaine called out to him. “Suddenly not so keen on sticking around?”

Kurt grinned, if not mostly to himself. “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll find me again. And who knows? Maybe you’ll actually have it in you to kill me next time.”

[tezuka-brainrot]

Honestly SO pissed we only got three chapters of BJ with Kei Kisaragi in it, one of which he doesn't physically appear and the other is a dream sequence. There's so much stuff about him to explore.

Him being a trans man in the 70s, how he expresses that and the danger that could come with it especially as he travels to places that could be safe and accepting, then immediately to dangerous areas where he might have to hide. Shit was already extremely hard for trans women, but trans men were practically unheard of to most people and barely got attention.

We know he's been to places like the Philippines from a throwaway line in The Sea Smells of Romance, what does Kei think of it? Does he have a favorite place he's been to outside Japan?

Kei is infertile from uterine cancer, even if he doesn't want kids this could be painful or traumatic knowing he had the option forcefully taken from him. Is he jealous seeing Kuroo with Pinoko? Perhaps one time when they were together, Kei dreamed of starting a family with his lover, and now seeing Kuroo has his own daughter made Kei feel... Empty and unwanted.

Going back to The Sea Smells of Romance, that unnamed sailor was pretty close to Kei, and looked up to him like family before developing a crush. Did Kei know the boy saw him as a woman? Did it make him uncomfortable? Even so, Kei seemed to care for the young man, saw the kind for boy he was under his mean delinquent exterior and wanted him to remove his tattoos so he could work a safe job and be successful. Maybe he saw him as the kid he'd never have? So... when the boy died, did Kuroo ever tell Kei!? Or let him live on cluess to the harsh truth? If Kei knows, it must hurt so much, may even have caused him to spiral into horrible depression. Would Kei ever get the chance to grieve properly?

I The SI Called Life, Kuroo is dreaming about Kei saying "I'm quite happy I quit being a woman." I'd love to believe it's true, but how did Kuroo know this? Did Kei tell him in a letter or call? Or is Kuroo just making assumptions? Despite that, Kuroo still calls Kei his old name- "Megumi" Is Kuroo ashamed of longing for someone who is now a man? Is he simply unwilling to accept changes and move on, wanting to live in their past despite subconsciously knowing Kei is happier now as he is?

"I never stopped loving you."

Kuroo is reassuring himself Kei will always love him, no matter what. That no matter how much time passes, no matter how they both change, no matter how much distance between the couple they'll still care for each other.

Do they send letters or call or set up another meeting? Is it impossible because Kuroo doesn't know where Kei is at any given time? Or perhaps, they feel they're not ready to have another shot at romance, it's over to them?

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Light spoilers for the Barbie movie, but mostly a reflection about myself and gender. (You also don��t need to have watched the movie to read this.)

Something that really resonated with me was the part of the movie where it was said that in the context of the gender roles of our patriarchal society, in order to be attractive to men, women act like they are more vulnerable, less intelligent, and generally helpless, insecure and in need of men’s assistance. The Barbies eventually weaponize this, but it is still a statement about something that projected me back in my high school years.

Back then I had no idea I was queer or anything (it was the mid 00s, we were fed a steady diet of Bush era conservatorism, islamophobia and fascistoid ideas on the corruption of the west and whatnot - the future queer-friendly climate was baaaarely a germinating seed thanks to cultural milestones like Brokeback Mountain, but damn it was a different world, really) but I was perfectly, acutely aware that I did not perform femininity in the way the girls around me did.

I had no knowledge of the concept of performing femininity or anything of that sort, but I remember being very perceptive about the difference in which I related to the “opposite sex” and in which my female friends did (not all of them, of course, but in retrospect they likely were not all heterosexual).

I knew that I couldn’t act like them even if tried, but also that I wasn’t actually interested in trying. Part of me was saddened by it, kind of regretted it, because I believed that I would never be attractive to boys unless I acted like the other girls. (Turns out I didn’t actually care, but back then I just assumed it was something that one just cared about, and blamed my “shyness” for my unwillingness to try going out with boys. Turns out that if someone wants to bang guys, they go and do it. Wild, right?)

But another part of me just couldn’t... summon the willingness to try. I didn’t want to act like I was insecure of my own intelligence and abilities compared to boys’. I didn’t want to act like I didn’t know my own value. I didn’t want to act like I thought I was stupid, and that I needed (wanted) a boy’s support and assistance.

I saw boys as competition, not as objects of desire, not as something to attract. I wanted to show that I was just as smart as the smartest boys. Heck, I wanted to show I was smarter. Later I learnt I was trans and asexual, which explains why I saw myself as a peer to the boys, not as a potential girlfriend for them.

(The biggest regret I have about my adolescence was that I didn’t realize that I should have tried to hang out with the boys more than the girls, but back then we self-segregated based on sex a lot, kind of crazy to think about now.)

This post doesn’t really have a moral, except maybe that it’s so incredibly fundamental for kids to know about the facets of gender and sexuality. I was smart, I understood things that I was not given the tools to conceptualize but I still managed to understand some of them, but I still lacked fundamental tools to understand the whole picture.

But also that gender non conformity just... happens. I didn’t have the conceptual tools to understand any of it, but I was gender non conforming and I fundamentally knew it, even if I didn’t have the words for it. You don’t catch gender non conformity from the outside; you have it, and from the outside you learn to understand what it means and how to navigate the world the way you are.

I’ve felt suddenly very close to my teenage self thanks to that scene in Barbie. She was a girl, she didn’t have the tools to be anything but that. But she was a girl in a way that didn’t conform to what being a girl was supposed to be according to the gender roles of the world she was in.

As a child, I was absolutely a girl. I played with Barbies with other girls. I wore dresses and skirts and read books with girl protagonists and watched movies and shows with girl protagonists. You can see the clues of my future gender and sexuality in my childhood, but only if you know what you’re looking for. I was indeed a girl. But I didn’t grow into a woman, I grew into something else, and teenage me - the age when you are in between childhood and adulthood, the age I was supposed to go from girl to woman but didn’t - was in between those. Still a girl, but without the germs of womanhood.

I wore a pink Barbie shirt to the movie theater (literally a Barbie shirt, with a print of several Barbie dolls on it). It felt like a homage to girl me. It was also campy enough to feel right for my current me, of course. But mostly it felt like something that had to do with my past girl self. The entire movie felt like something that had to do with my past girl self and how that intersect with current me. I’m not a woman, but I was a girl, and the movie said something about my past girl self, but also to current me, the one who knows they’re asexual and trans. It’s hard to put into words, but the fact that the movie said something about non-conformity to stereotypical gender roles and to heteronormativity (including allonormativity) through the lense of girlhood femininity... it felt like something that wrapped together past me and current me.

We’re not two different mes. It’s still me. We are one person. I am one person. I am that girl and this transmasculine person. I am me. (And I am Kenough. We are all Kenough even without what society says we must have to be complete.)

[ellestra]

Going in circles

There has been a lot of talk about how Gen V is about social media and stage parents but the underlying theme of this season is the cycle of violence that leads to abuse and revenge cycles. It's a positive feedback loop that makes .

Since Gen V is inspired by The Boys comic arc that was a parody of X-Men this is something that was, of course, always staple of X-Men comics/movies/shows. But X-Men stories in their core tend to be optimistic/aspirational. The Boys universe is much more cynical than that. In the end bad guys win or they at least spin their loses their way so they can hold on to power.

Marie, Jordan, Andre and Emma really believed in the ideas sold to them by the marketing team. But the humans they were trying to save were exactly the ones who never treated them to people. Ones who perpetuated the cycles f abuse - from the moment they were given Compound V to all the stages of deciding who is and isn't valuable. They aren't the ones who lead Vought when it all started but they do the same thing again and again because it's profitable. And when it comes to bite them they try to weasel their way out of any responsibility by appealing to the better nature of those who they abused. And so, so many real life abuses seem to use this to escape culpability. Using the "be better than those who wrong you" as the most cynical way to save their own asses.

It doesn't mean that the rest of the non-powered humans don't have a reason to blame supes. Both the Boys and Shetty are not wrong in the assessment that supes always will a leave a trail of blood behind them - both intentional and accidental. From powers manifesting in the disastrous way, through accidents while using them to abuses of power to avoid consequences and finally malice. Supes are human and do exactly the same things but their impact is so much greater and so is their body count. It's gets horrifying because she's not blaming Vought who created this whole problem. Instead she's uses Vought's own torture factory to try her hand at genocide. It's hard to really feel bad about Cardosa and Shetty's death when we just saw them killing some kids in even more horrible way.

Cate was betrayed by every human she trusted. And the worst was that even though Shetty loved her she still drugged her to dampen her powers (those blue pills reference even more clear after latest Matrix movie) and then used her to help with genocide of her own kind. So she gathers all other abused supes and they all go on a rampage because how you can ever trust any one of them if they even corrupt love like that. Being one of "the good ones" didn't really work out. And because this is the time where the ultimate power of Vought propaganda machine lies with a supe it's all swept under the rug by Homelander.

He's done appealing to mudnon-powered people . The one place X-Men doesn't really go in stories like that is the people who go against their own interests because the ideology allows them to feel superior to another group. And they think they'd be spared. It's the voting for Leopards Eating People's Faces Party all over again. Homelander knows now that there are humans who still will follow him (steeped in American exceptionalism and dreams of ubermensch as he is - BTW I don't think it's a coincidence that both Cate and Sam are the kind of Guardians of Godolkin Stormfront would approve of unlike original versions). He just needs supes who think the same as him instead of believing things like non-powered humans are human too. Someone who is not going to bulk at thing he wants to do.

And the boys would do anything to stop him. I'm pretty sure the virus is not out of the picture yet. Between Neumann container and Butcher finding the infected bodies there still might be attempt to use it. After all it's still in pre fully genocidal form. And Marie surviving Homelander's blast may have taught Neumann she might have enough time to pop Homelander's head - especially if he's a bit sick.

In this cycle people who try to stop it are also part of the problem. It too often leads to letting those in power stay in power so the injustices can carry on. Marie uses the system that was designed against her to stop the massacre and it hurts her too. Andre risks brain damage saving helicopter coming to rescue Vought Board. Jordan almost gets overwhelmed and mind controlled protecting them. And Vought will continue doing what they did to babies and any supe they deem faulty product. Believing the heroes will come and save them gets them locked in a doorless room.

We see how appealing to their opponents better nature doesn't work. Maverick cannot break mind control. Sam chose it over conscience. All Emma gets for trying is being made to feel small.

In the end all trying to be heroic got them is being labelled as traitor and scapegoated. And I don't think it's an accident that of this group only Emma is white (although it's nice that the only couple that survived this in neither includes white people nor is straight).

And so the cycle goes. Non-powered humans abuse supes and supes abuse those humans and each sides has a list of atrocities perpetrated on them they use to justify to atrocities they commit. While the people who caused and profit from it this stay in power.

This is even made even more relevant by real life events reminding us about the real, horrible human toll of such cycles hatred. The real excuses that are used to justify violence against innocents by feeding populations a revenge fantasy dressed as justice aren't all that different. And so isn't using it to keep power and gather more assets. But in stories we can hope good guys will eventually win. History teaches us that, in real life, it always ends with those having power behind them getting all the spoils. Everyone can count themselves lucky if they get a half-assed apology too late to count for anything.

[linkspooky]

Hi! I saw your tags about Tara in Teen Titans comics--I'm only familiar with the cartoon series. How do your feelings about Tara compare in the show vs. the comics? I ask since I noticed you mentioned that Tara never really cared about BB, which I think is obviously changed in the show, and I wonder how you feel about that.

They're both good? They're both good! I think one thing people forget about comic book characters vs. adaptations of comic book characters, is that comic books were always intended to be a collaborative medium that builds on itself through the work of multiple authors and interpretations. Thus, you can have multiple versions of the same character who have the same core but don't really have to be exactly the same. This is why it is kind of silly when people get upset animated adaptations make changes from the original source material because that's kind of the point, in a collaborative medium, you're going to get another author's take on the same character.

Since you asked I can give you an analysis on the core ideas of Teen Cartoon Terra vs. Comics Terra, and also her relationship with Beast Boy in both versions.

1. GWEN STACY

So, I once talked about how Terra was always intended by her creators to die, but that's not necessarily offensive or fridging her character because Terra's still a character with a lot of narrative agency. Terra is the main character of her story, it's just her story happens to be a tragedy. That is true for both versions.

Before the start of the story her fate is sealed. This is what you call doomed by the narrative. George Wolfram and Glen Murakami have both given interviews explaining as such. Albeit, for different reasons.

Comics Terra was essentially made to deconstruct a lot of comic book tropes. I lovingly call her "Asshole Kitty Pryde." From conception she was going to be the spunky new kid with mutant powers who joined the titans at fifteen and immediately became friends with everyone... except she was evil all along.

George’s strength was he also understood the characters 100 percent as I did so there was never any question. He knew. We had talked enough about the characters to know we were exactly on the same page with them. So I said, “Everyone keeps complaining that we’re like the X-Men” and the X-Men had just gotten Kitty Pryde. I said, “Why don’t we really screw around with them completely?” — this is the fans — “…and make them think we’re stealing Kitty Pryde only she’s gonna be bad from Day One.”

Of course this is where authorial intent differs from like, what actually ended up happening in the story. Worlfram's intent was to always make Terra have no reason for her actions, the tragic backstory she feeds the teen titans is kind of embellished and made up, she decided to become a mercenary all on her own, she wants to work with Slade and is even trying to seduce him. However, Terra still comes off as horribly tragic despite their intentions and other authors have since then picked up on their subtext.

Like, I genuienly think the intention was to just write her as pure evil, but instead what they got was writing her as a bad victim. That is, the kind of victim that presents incredibly unsavory and unlikable reactions to their abuse instead of either being kinder than their abusers, remaining pure and chaste like Cinderella or just waiting to be saved. Terra's not a passive victim nor is she waiting for sympathy, she hurts people the way she has been hurt, she maipulates the way she has been manipulated. Terra's been beaten down and now her goal is to come out on top. I believe the reason why she came out this way has a lot to do with Perez and Wolfram sticking to their guns and never giving her a redemption arc.

The very first time we see her, she’s trying to blow up the Statue of Liberty. It’s just that all the fans assumed because we went out of our way to make her cute — but not too cute, with the buck teeth and everything — everyone would assume that she was gonna become good by the end and that was never the case.

First thing, we made a promise that day that we would never renege on our view that she’d never become good. It’s sometimes hard to do that with characters you like. You want them to become good or something like that. But we never liked the character enough—because we knew what we were doing with her—we never allowed ourselves to fall for the character. Because that’s bad. That’s bad storytelling. You’re doing what you want as a fan at that particular point, not as the creators. The fans had to accept what we were doing and not do the same stories that they had read 14,000 times before. You know, at Marvel, Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch were villains who became good guys and I could go through a whole list of ’em.

Their commitment to the bit meant that Terra’s story became what was essentially Greek tragedy at that point. Terra was always fall and because of that, Wolfram and Perez dedicate a lot of time in the story showing the audience exactly what all of her flaws are and why those flaws are the reason for that fall. They committed to their creative decisions when writing this character, which is why Terra ends up being such a strong character, especially for the time. Of course there were female villains, but they weren’t really allowed to be complex victims to the degree that Terra is, have her entire range of negative traits, have her flaws fully on display and then still have it be a tragic ending when she does not get saved. 

Gwen Stacy was always going to die, and Terra was never going to be redeemed. I do not believe either of those cases are fridging because sometimes characters die in fiction, and sometimes they contribute more ot the story dead than they do alive. Terra’s the first real loss for the Teen Titans, it also came on the cusp of a time in DC where teenage superheroes and sidekicks started to die (Cough, Cough, Jason Todd). Under the Red Hood and Judas Contract are such effective and lasting comic book storylines because they are such tightly written tragedies  yes... both of them depict a bad victim who does not get saved (even though that is the whole point of both arcs). 

Terra is in fact, probably more comparable to Under the Red Hood Jason than she is Gwen Stacy because she is number one a teenager with problems who probably should not have been made a superhero in the first place, and two a trauma victim who copes by manipulation and violence to try to reclaim control of their lives. But, to bring the Gwen Stacy comparison back. Gwen Stacy was always going to die, Terra was always going to die, but unlike Gwen Stacy Terra is not anyone’s love interest she is the protagonist. Peter Parker fails to save Gwen because the Green Goblin attacked her, she was killed to hurt Peter Parker. Terra pulls the arena down on herself and buries herself alive in Samson and Delilah-esque fashion at the end of her own personal tragic arc. 

To get to the real differences between the two characters though, characterization wise, I think both versions start with the same central concept, this is a troubled teenager who should never have been made a hero. 

Terra is a deeply troubled teen, however the way she copes in both versions are wildly different, almost opposite. I like to say cartoon Terra has like, at any moment five different personalities, while comics Terra has no personality. 

2. Runaway Girl

To elaborate on this, cartoon Terra’s entire character revolves around how unstable her sense of self is, due to never having any stability in her life. The cartoon is actually very purposeful in showing in both imagery and metaphor Terra’s splintered sense of self. The first few lines of dialogue introducing her are this. 

“She’s not in trouble, she was leading it into a trap.”  “Question is, who is she?” Slade: “Don’t get too attached my young friend, I saw her first.” 

Said by the Titans and then Slade. Even in the first lines introducing her, not only is the question of who she is asked, but Slade immediately tries to claim her from the titans. Later on in the show, the way Terra acts around the Teen Titans as a group, the way Terra acts when she is with Slade, the way Terra acts when alone with Beast Boy, the way Terra acts when alone with Raven are all wildly different versions of herself, to the point where it’s hard to believe she’s the same girl sometimes. 

This is even apparent in the first episode before Slade even gets to her. Terra insists that she enjoys sleeping outside, she enjoys running from place to place, she doesn’t really want a place to stay for the night, she’s presenting herself as some sort of self-reliant and worldly traveler instead of what she really is, a homeless runaway kid. Terra is attempting to appear calm, cool, and responsible and she is absolutely none of these things, and she’s pretty transparent about it too. She cool girls herself so people will like her. The second she is alone in Beast Boy and loses control of her powers for 30 seconds, she immediately crashes, starts berating herself and her self esteem sinks to the bottom of the ocean. 

Trust, is something constantly brought up again and again with Terra’s character though I would say Terra despite literally being the main character of an arc called the Judas Contract, despite betrayal being the one thing she is known for... always sees herself as getting betrayed first. Which is why she overreacts to the perception that Beast Boy broke a promise to keep her powers safe in the first episode. Terra doesn’t trust people at all. Though, to trust people and form healthy relationships with them, you actually have to be a fully developed and well-rounded person which Terra is not. Terra is basically a foster kid who has been through several families before this, waiting for her current one to dump her. She has interanlized the idea that there is something wrong with her that makes this rejection happen, but she doesn’t know how to fix it, or how to be better the kind of person that can have those healthy friendships so she dedicates herself into hiding those flaws instead. 

Terra: You don’t belong with the Titans. Terra: You don’t know anything about you. Slade: On the contrary Terra, I know everything about you. I’ve been watching you for some time. I know why you’re always running away. I know your secret, little girl.

This is also why she runs from the Titans to Slade. It’s a question I see commonly asked about cartoon Terra, if she’s meant to be more sympathetic than comic books Terra why does she willingly go to Slade instead of staying with the Titans? Which is a silly question, because you might as well be asking why do grooming victims get groomed? Why don’t they just know that groomers are bad people?

Teenagers are not grownups. Especially not Terra, a bastard child rejected by her parents who has been on the run for however many years. Terra is a teenager and a severely underdeveloped teenager at that, and she has learned to survive on the streets yes, but that’s not really the same as learning to be a functional person, who can have healthy relationships with people, and control their emotions. Children actually require parents to nurture and teach them and raise them up to be more functional adults, and they also require the stability adults in their lives provide them. 

Terra goes to Slade because he is an adult who is promising to be there for her, and give her control and stability which are things adults in her life have failed to give her. She can’t trust the Titans to give her these things because they are children one as Slade needles her into believing they cannot understand or help her, and two the way Terra has lived her life up to this point a transactional relationship with Slade makes more sense to her head than the found family the Teen Titans have based on love and trust because Terra is a stranger to both of those concepts. 

Terra is also someone who has little control over her life in general, which is why cartoon Terra is so passive in comparison to comic book Terra. In the episode Betrayal itself, Terra keeps her foot in the door about the actual betrayal the whole way, and seems to change her mind on what she wants several time. Because Terra has five different personalities. Ginger Terra, Sporty Terra, Posh Terra, Scary Terra, and Baby Terra. Terra doesn't have a cohesive sense of self so she's entirely reactive, she just does what she thinks will keep her safe in the moment. Terra wants safety and control of her powers so she goes to Slade. Terra feels guilty about what she does for the Titans so she tries to run away from Slade for the moment. Beast Boy asks her out on a date, but because Terra's betraying the Titans that night Terra says no. Five minutes later, Terra says yes. She is constantly changing her mind and contradicting herself like this.

Which is where we get to the greatest contradiction this episode, Terra betrays the titans and clearly feels guilty about it,b ut instead of say telling the Titans what she did or coming clean she just runs away. Which is where we get to the extremely subtle imagery of Terra in a house of mirrors.

Terra can't face her reflection over and over again, because she can't face herself, because she has no sense of self. She doesn't know why she does these things, but she's done them now, and she's stuck with those choices.

Terra: Beast Boy, I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. Beast Boy: Then why did you let it? Terra: I don't know okay, I don't know. Slade he helped me. He saved me from myself. He said I owed him. Beast Boy: So, it was all just a game. You were just pretending. Terra: No. You said you'd be my friend no matter what, remember?

This is also Terra's most honest display of remorse, and the exact moment Terra gets rejected, crying and begging for forgiveness for what she's done and after that is the point where she goes full villain. Terra goes from baby Terra, to Scary Terra. A lot of who cartoon Terra is born from fear of moments like this where she is rejected. Terra was the one who tricked Beast Boy and Beast Boy is rightfully upset of course, but in Terra's mind only able to see her own hurt feelings Beast Boy is the one who broke the promise to her. Terra internalizes the fact she cannot be forgiven at that point and seeing no other recourse goes full villain and insists she feels no guilt, she wanted to destroy the titans to begin with, it was all a lie. The complete inversion of how she acted in the betrayal episode. Terra is manipulative, spiteful, hungry for power and yes she's capable of being all of those things but one important thing is.

The second, the second Slade starts mistreating her and beating her Terra immediately wants out. It turns out it's not power or control Terra wanted at all with Slade, but the idea of safety he provided her. The moment it becomes unsafe for her she tries to leave again, because Terra is a child desperately seeking safety in a world that feels unsafe for her, and she'll find it by crushing people she perceives to be a threat if she has to.

That is Terra in a nutshell, she doesn't feel safe anywhere, or with anybody. She has no stable foundation. She is the human embodiment of the tower card in Tarot. No matter how hard she tries to trust others and trust in return, because those are basic human urges we all have, she ends up falling down. It's interesting for a character who is so famous for betrayal, how much of her arc shows she clearly wants to be accepted and trusted by others, and gets hurt at the idea of their rejection. Even the day she literally betrayed Beast Boy before taking him out on a date she asks him this.

Terra: Do you trust me? Beast Boy: More than anyone I've ever met.

I would say Terra's inability to trust doesn't come from the fact she's a bad person or a bad victim, but because she doesn't have the tools to form healthy relationships because of how seriously neglected a child she is. A part of the tragedy of Terra is because Terra cannot save herself, because she is a child. Just like how the Titans have such difficulty saving her, because they are children too and they're not really emotionally prepared to save a person as morally grey and as in need as Terra, and the only adult in the situation is Slade who is there to take advantage.

Transitioning too. Comics Terra, while cartoon Terra has too much personality, Comics Terra has too little. She was written to be a sociopath, and that's not really my term that's how the writers describe her though I can dig up evidence she shows clear signs of being capable of having attachment to people. I'd say rather than a sociopath she's more written as an enigma. Terra's motives are spurious, her actions are inconsistent, she seems to be driven by spite. She is an incredibly angry kid with a chip on her shoulder who seems to be capable of anything.

Cartoon Terra is trying to play along with other peopel's expectations to her, while comics Terra rejects everyone's expectations. She loathes cute teenage girl superheroes. She finds dressing up in costumes and fighting crime to be ridiculous in the first place. Though, I would say despite saying she clearly hates the titans, literally the next panel she displays some affection for Kid Flash.

Comics Terra isn't completely unfeeling, she's capable of forming connections to people, she has a fondness for Geo-Force her brother, Kid Flash, and sort of for Beast Boy she just never fully forms relationships with them.

Terra's not really even maintaining much of a cover with the Titans, because both with Slade and the Titans she is a rude, belligerent raunchy kid who is trying to constantly get into other people's faces. Terra is all of those things, she just when she is alone with Slade also pretends she is an adult, in an adult relationship with him. (Cough, cough, grooming victim. A victim of sexual grooming in this sense too).

Terra's written to be a sociopath yeah, or at least her writers tried too but I'd say she's more a character who the audience has little to no idea what is going on in her head. A lot of her is left ambiguous. Considering her backstory though, the rejected bastard of a king, someone who is working as a mercenary at fifteen, she clearly has not had a good life. Just like cartoon Terra she is lacking a sense of self.

However, instead of eschewing her agency, Terra takes her agency from other people. Cartoon Terra is good at manipulating when she wants to be, but Comics Terra sees the world in terms of every relatonship is transactional and based on manipulation, the world is winners and losers, the world is about who is on top and who is on the bottom. Terra lacks no real goal, or purpose, no friend, no home no loved ones she really only wants to crawl up on top of others if she has to.

Which is exactly why she gets into a relationship with Slade. Comics Terra seems to think her and Slade are equals, and that she is manipulating and using him as much as he is using her. The tragedy in this case arises from the fact that you know, Terra is a fifteen year old girl and Slade is three times her age.

There's an entire chapter where we follow around Terra montiofring people with contacts, and she's going about the titans daily lives just, telling Slade how much she hates them the whole time, but then she stops to ask Garfield why he's constantly being rude to other people and seems genuinely interested in listening to him talk about his feelings.

Terra's only out for herself, she is out to define herself and not let anyone else tell her who she is and who she should be. Terra's selfishness makes sense though considering the situation she is, she's either made to feel nothing like how she was with her family, or she is being sexually groomed by a guy three times her age. Her response to that, her extreme self interest and only caring about her own survival really is her way of fighting back against a world that she sees as trying to wear her down.

And that's a key part of her character Terra is a grooming victim who is also a bad victim. She's being groomed and her way of reclaiming her agency is to insist she wants sex, she wants to hurt people, that actually she's the one manipulating Slade. It's all Terra trying to assert control in a situation where she has none. I don't know if you know this, but a fifteen year old can't manipulate a guy in his fifties who has been doing this for years. Terra also, projects a lot of her hate for her situation and her lot at life at the Titans.

They did not do anything wrong to her, but at the same time she's pretty cosntantly unhappy with them, she complains none of them like her, she complains about their lack of trust, I believe that's less Terra trying to infiltrate them and more Terra herself either believing she cannot fit in anyhwere or as a person who only believes in transactional relationships and manipulation just not understanding how family works.

Terra also acts like dangerously unstable at all times, there's a point in the comics where Beast Boy gets way too aggressive with his flriting, that he full on triggers what resembles a PTSD response in her and she tries to bury him alive.

At times like this when Terra is made to feel she's either not the one with the power here, or being looked down upon she asserts herself with violence to desperately try to regain control. It is not healthy by any means, but it is still the behavior of someone who is coping incredibly poorly. Terra relies on fear and control to make herself feel safe at times like this, because she's not been shown love early on in her life and by this point she genuinely does not understand it. And also I cannot emphasize this enough as a victim of sexual grooming, Terra is pretty much not ever safe, or in a situation where she has bodily agency or control.

Terra in the cartoon dies in a heroic sacrifice, whereas Terra in the comics dies because she loses control of her power and essentially suicides. If anything the tragedy here is that Terra is someone who never learned to be a girl properly, nor was she appreciated as a human being and because of that she formed her entire sense of self around her powers. She is a child, and never having been allowed to be one, and not knowing how to live in this world, form relationships with people, trust and be trusted she dies as a child. Terra once again has nothing solid to build herself on, and because of that the tower falls down.

3. Terra and Beast Boy

In the cartoon Terra and Beast Boy are clearly meant to be in a relatoinship, in the comics Terra claims to have hated him all along, but arguably she could have been fond of him.

In both versions the relationship is entirely wrong headed from the start. A lot of it has to do with Beast Boy's flaws as a character. I wrote on and on how immature of an individual Terra is, and Beast Boy as the youngest on the team shares many of those immature and selfish traits. IN the comic itself that seems to be the reason why Beast Boy and Terra are paired together, they are the closest in age, she is the new girl and the trope Terra is made to deconstruct is the cute comic book love interest.

Comic book Garfield is almost more immature than cartoon Garfield, and on top of that is a full blown male chauvinist. A lot of people do not like Wolfram/Perez Beast Boy, I kind of love him because he doesn't understand woman's boundaries and thinks he desperately needs to get into a relationship and makes them uncomfortable because he sees his flriting as harmless to them... you know like a teenage boy. Unlike most characters like this that appear in media, this quality of Beast Boy's is something that gets called out on all the time.

Terra and Beast Boy do have something in common in that they are both outsiders to the group, they are the youngest so no one takes them seriously, they are almost always stuck together, there's a scene where they're both getting tutored by a tutor Garfield's rich father hired and they're both such ADD kids no one wants to be there. She does have at least one genuine moment of connection like this one.

Their immaturity is what makes them the most similiar, but they go about the inferiority they feel towards other people in opposite ways, Terra sets out to try to prove that she is better than other people by asserting herself, while Beast Boy tries to bend over backwards to win their love.

Terra sympathizes with Beast Boy because they share the same root cause of the issue, but they cope in opposite ways and because of that she looks down on him as just another kid. Which is something Terra is desperately trying to prove she is not. Terra genuinely does go out of her way to kiss him which shows this conversation at least affected her, she has moments of being genuine around Beast Boy, but I think this and every version of Beast Boy is too immature to ever reach her. Because to return to the male chauvinist aspect of Beast Boy's character, not long after this scene he full on triggers Terra by coming on way too hard to her.

Beast Boy wants a girlfriend, to validate his feelings, to make him feel special when he feels like he is the only kid, and the one most often left behind in a group of adults. He tries to make Terra into his love interest and Terra does not want to play that role at all. There are moments where Terra is genuine with Beast Boy, and he might have been able to reach her, but Beast Boy is so obssessed with the image of Terra he has built in his head and the idea of having her he's never able to even come close to her.

Beast Boy cannot understand Terra with any sort of nuance whatsoever, because she's a woman who doesn't really want to play along with any image of her in his mind.

Their cartoon relationship is much less destructive, but really suffers from the same fundamental problem. Both the episode "Terra" and the episode "Betrayal" feature Beast Boy trying to make Terra a promise that he cannot keep. The first time he promises to keep her powers a secret, he actually keeps that one but the perception that he's betrayed her is what makes Terra run. The second time Beast Boy promises to accept her no matter what she does, only to reject her when she is openly weeping and apologizing at his feet out of remorse.

Like, if you wanted to save Terra. To convince her to turn back to the side of good there was never a time more ideal than that but Beast Boy spits in her face. Because while he's a hero he's also a fifteen year old boy feeling hurt and betrayed. This is Beast Boy's Orpheus turning back to look at Eurydice moment.

Terra: Beast Boy, I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. Beast Boy: Then why did you let it? Terra: I don't know okay, I don't know. Slade he helped me. He saved me from myself. He said I owed him. Beast Boy: So, it was all just a game. You were just pretending. Terra: No. You said you'd be my friend no matter what, remember? Beast Boy: Slade was right, you don't have any friends.

Beast Boy's attraction to Terra is sort of instant and a kiddie crush, but any relationship they might have had is broken by the time Terra runs away at the end of their first episode together. Afterwards Terra has already betrayed the Titans, and Beast Boy is clinging to the girl Terra appeared to be the first time they met.

Beast Boy doesn't really fully comprehend Terra, which is why the literal last episode of the series is Beast Boy stalking Terra all day long and insisting that he knows her best, and he knows certain things about her and acting confused when she tells him that she was never that way, she never liked sleeping outside, she wasn't the girl he thought she was.

I went to great length to show how Terra's emotional immaturity results in her constant flip-flopping and contradiction, but Beast Boy shows the exact same behavior. Beast Boy in the cartoon tries to play roles to Terra that he is not emotionally mature enough to play. While at the same time. The first is he tries to be the one protecting her, the one guaranteeing her stability. In the first episode he is the one who stays with Terra and calms her down after Slade triggers her into nearly causing an earthquake.

At the same time by the end of that episode he's unable to make Terra stay because she's so hurt at the idea he betrayed one secret. Beast Boy is also the same person who one episode ago told Terra that she didn't have any friends to her face when she was crying and apologizing and just left her there, and the very next episode gets angry when the titans say Terra is irredeemable. Beast Boy that was you. You said that, to her face.

Beast Boy: Terra, you're our friend. Terra: I don't have any friends, remember?

Beast Boy wants to act like a hero saving Terra, but he's not that great of a hero, nor is he emotionally mature enough to do that. Which is why we get this behavior of Beast Boy, first reaching out to save her, and then resorting to victim blaming when he feels like he can't save her. He jumps between I am Terra's best friend, I know she was there all along, to just Terra doesn't have any friends. Terra you wanted to do these things, it was your choice. There's no consistency in Beast Boy's actions, because Beast Boy doesn't really know what to do he is vulnerable and desperate, because a person who he cares about has hurt him, and is also hurting.

Beast Boy is once again trying to put Terra into a simple and easy to understand box. He is acting like the hero of the story, and she flips between his villain and his love interest when that's not the case. Terra's more focused on Terra herself, she cares about Beast Boy but she's also just trying to survive. Beast Boy is a little bit too focused on his relationship with Terra, and like the validation he wants to get from her that he can't look at Terra as a whole person, or realize from an outsider's perspective she's a kid in dire need of saving. Well he does at times, but like I said he flips between advocating for never giving up on her, and victim blaming her because Terra is not easy to understand and he cannot make up his mind.

Terra is the main character of her own story and Beast Boy doesn't know how to comprehend her that way, or set himself aside to look at things from Terra's perspective because he's fifteen and stuck inside his own head with all those adolescent feelings and hormones.

In both versions, I think Beast Boy mistakes what could have been a strong friendship for romance because he is obsessed with getting into a relationship without really understanding what that entails. Beast Boy not being a good boyfriend at fifteen is actually perfectly understandable, the whole tragedy of the Judas Contract in general is that just like Terra is too immature to save herself from her situation, the Titans also just being kids are too young to save her.

They also both try to jump into a relationship without building a solid friendship first, because they both need love and stability and have no idea how relationships are supposed to work. It's like they both fell in love with the people they were when they first met and the relationship never evolved. They are similar and there is a connection, but rather than the things they have in common bringing them together, it drives them apart.

[andreal831]

Hi! What do you think of Bonnie and Jeremy as a pairing?

This ship definitely had me rooting for them in the beginning. We know, I'm a sucker for any kind of friends-to-lovers. They also had one of the few relationships that felt very age appropriate. Maybe because they were one of the few that were basically the same age. But mainly because a lot of their joys and issues felt human.

We got a lot of great tropes with them. We got them falling for each other as they worked together for the people they loved. We got a fun little jealousy storyline with Luka. The best-friend's brother trope. The will they/won't they trope. They are both incredibly protective of each other and put each other first. This ship was so good for both of them, but unfortunately the writers really liked to put Bonnie and Jeremy through the ringer when it comes to romantic ships, so they really didn't stand a chance. Literally all of their love interests died, including each other.

One thing I really loved about them was, even before and after they were together, they still cared for each other. For so long, Jeremy seemed to be the only person who really saw what Bonnie gave for her friends, constantly trying to stop her from sacrificing herself. There are multiple times he even tried to stop Bonnie when Bonnie was sacrificing herself for his sister. Bonnie also sacrificed so much for Jeremy, even though he never wanted her to. It's one of the few ships where we actually see an exchange of sacrifice.

While I hate that Jeremy cheated on Bonnie with Anna and it did kind of ruin the ship, I can understand it more than a lot of the issues in other ships that completely made me hate the ship. Jeremy was a 16 year old kid who had lost so much, including Anna. When a loved one comes back from the dead, it complicates things. No, he didn't handle it well, but he also didn't do anything worse than what a lot of these 100+ year old men would do. I think it's also important to remember that Anna is 500+ years old and was essentially grooming and using Jeremy. I'm not justifying his behavior by any means, and Bonnie had every right to be mad and breakup with him, but I just feel like people are harder on Jeremy than all of the other adult characters who cheated or abused their partners/potential ships.

But again, even after this, Bonnie is still defending Jeremy's right to make his own decisions to Elena. Jeremy spends the summer being there for Bonnie when everyone else thinks she's dead. Jeremy is also the only person who really seems to miss Bonnie when she is in the prison world with Damon. He is the one that saves Bonnie and gives her hope. While I hate that Jeremy hurt Bonnie, he actually grew and evolved as a character, making sure to put Bonnie first, even just as a friend, for the rest of the show. I hated how they ended though. It felt very unresolved, especially given what everyone was going through. The show just didn't put any effort into it.

Basically, I thought Beremy was cute for what it was, a high school romance. Should it have been endgame? Not in my opinion because they both became very different people as they grew. I do prefer them to some of the canon endgames though. They would have been better off if they had begun dating later in life, when Jeremy wasn't so traumatized from losing nearly every person he cared for and was more emotionally mature. But I love to think that they stayed close after they both left town. They care about each other and check in on each other, but are ultimately happy for the other for moving on and finding their own joy in life.

Thanks for the ask! I haven't thought about this ship in a minute.

[guardian-of-gotham]

//Filled out a questionnaire by my lovely mutual, Kirby, earlier in my hiatus, and I finally decided to post it. Also, there are NSFW themes in the Sexuality section. I've colored milder answers in orange and more potentially uncomfortable ones in red.

-- Appearance

001. Do they have any scars?

Yes, several. Most from before the Batsuit actually served as armor, when his dealings with Gotham's mobs saw him stabbed and shot repeatedly. And yet it still took a kid insisting on joining him for him to realize he should sacrifice some mobility for a more durable fabric.

002. Do they have any tattoos/piercings?

No.

003. What is their natural eye color?

Steely blue.

004. Do they wear contacts to change their eye color?

Not unless in disguise.

005. What is their natural hair color?

Black.

006. Do they dye their hair?

Not unless in disguise, and a wig is not an option.

007. Do they keep their hair long, short, or in between?

He's had the same short, combed back side part since he was a child.

008. What does their clothing style look like?

He dresses as formally as appropriate on any occasion. If he's going for a real casual look, he might wear a vest without a jacket or forgo outerwear entirely. No tie and leaving a couple buttons open at the top of his shirt is a popular go-to for a particularly laid-back date night.

009. Do they dress in “the norm” for their gender presentation?

Kind of? He dresses more formally than most men, and there are some common items of clothing he never wears, but his outfits are all still masculine, even if they sometimes get a bit too fancy to be considered normal. Also, he wouldn't be entirely opposed to wearing more feminine clothing if it was part of a disguise he knew he could pull off or if a partner expressed interest in seeing him in a particular garment/outfit.

010. Do they wear any kind of make-up?

Not usually, but he has used it for certain disguises, to help hide injuries, and when necessary for media and/or public appearances.

011. Are they invested in their physical appearance?

He tries his best to look presentable as Bruce Wayne and intimidating as Batman, but if those qualities weren't necessary for his goals, he probably wouldn't care much. His monetary investment in his appearance is pretty substantial, though, mostly due to extensive efforts to minimize his scars as much as possible to avoid suspicion towards his secret identity.

-- Identity

012. What is their gender identity and sexual orientation?

Cis male and demibisexual/romantic.

013. What is their relation to their gender identity and sexual orientation?

He's never questioned either and still thinks he's straight (by default). Given his place on the ace/aro spectrum, it's already difficult enough for him to form and realize attraction to others, and his stubbornness leads him to deny his feelings longer still, so he's never really needed or been presented with the opportunity to wonder if his interests go beyond women. Funnily enough, his first crush was on Harvey Dent in college, but it was also his first time experiencing real friendship, and he's so emotionally stunted, he didn't realize his feelings went beyond that.

014. What is their relation to their ethnicity/heritage?

Bruce was raised in both the Jewish faith and culture and still engages in the associated traditions despite now being disconnected from the spiritual aspects of his upbringing. There were some mild Christian influences from his father, who belonged to the Episcopal Church before his relationship with Martha, but those had much less of an impact on his life than the strong family values and emphasis on making the world a better place. "Tikkun olam" may as well be his life motto.

015. How do they feel about their nationality, current or of origin?

Having been born and raised in the U.S., he can appreciate some of the ideals behind the country's founding and the independent spirit it can inspire in people. However, he is also aware of just how deep corruption runs through every system currently in place, those in Gotham being some of the worst examples. To say that he loves his country in its current state might be a bit of a stretch, but he does care about the people living in it and does his best to play his part in its eventual improvement.

016. What family members had the most impact on them?

Considering his parents both instilled his current ideals in him and set him on his current path through their deaths, probably them. Although, he never would've gotten this far if not for the support and influence of his butler, and essentially, second father, Alfred.

017. What is their relationship with their family?

He does his best to love and protect every last person in his family, blood relation to them an unimportant factor, but he would never ask the same of them. As far as he's concerned, they would all be better off without him, and their continued association with him only increases the likelihood of their death. Any apparent distance he might place between himself and them is simply him trying to prevent that outcome.

018. Do they connect with their sense of self or reject it?

He sees himself as a tool, a necessary evil to help others. Any moments of self-discovery or humanizing experiences, regardless of if he's eventually appreciated them or not, have happened against his will.

019. Is their sense of self tied to another person or thing?

Very much so. As stated previously, he has built his entire life around aiding others. He sees no point to his existence otherwise. Honestly, he doesn't even know who he is anymore. Bruce Wayne pretty much died the same night his parents did, Batman is a purpose, not a person, and even the moments in his life where he feels the most real and alive only occur because of the people he's grown to love.

020. What does their morality look like?

He is intent on making the world a better place through self-sacrifice and systemic change. He unfortunately has found it necessary to hurt people to stop them from hurting others, but he refuses to kill, because he doesn't believe in any one person having the power to end another's life, and he believes that when people seen as heroes kill, it can corrupt their mission and/or inspire more malicious forces to pose as heroes and take advantage of people's trust in them to carry out harm on a mass scale.

021. What other names are they known by? 

Batman, Bats, The Bat, The Dark Knight, B, Brucie, Brucie Boy, Brucie Baby, Bruce Old Boy, Mr. Wayne, Dad, Father, Baba, Spooky, and more.

022. Do they know any languages besides their birth tongue?

English, French, Spanish, Russian, Japanese, Mandarin, Cantonese, Filipino, Korean, Arabic, Turkish, Polish, German, Latin, Greek, Italian, Portuguese, Hebrew, Thai, Vietnamese, Kryptonian, Swedish, Swahili, and Kasnian. Possibly more.

023. What religion were they raised in, if any?

Judaism.

024. Are they religious at present?

No. He's seen too many unbelievable things to completely discount the idea that everything he was taught in his youth was true, but there seems to be no explicit evidence supporting its existence either. Regardless, he still engages with the cultural aspects of Judaism and lives by the ideals instilled in him, holding the belief that faith in an otherworldly being isn't necessary to uphold family traditions or to be a decent person.

025. Do they hold to any superstitions?

Only if they've proven to be true, at which point, they can no longer be considered superstitions.

-- Health

026. Do they need glasses?

No.

027. What mental conditions do they have?

Autism, PTSD, C-PTSD, and Dysthymia (a.k.a. Persistent Depressive Disorder).

028. What physical conditions do they have?

Other than a plethora of scars, none at present.

029. Do they have any allergies?

No.

030. What notable injuries and/or illnesses have they had?

Broken bones, bruises, blood loss, sprained joints, strained muscles, dislocated bones, head trauma, bullet wounds, burns, stab wounds, incisions, temporary hearing loss, temporary loss of vision, temporary death, the common cold, pneumonia, frostbite, radiation poisoning, food poisoning, ingestion of poisons, exposure to fear toxin, Joker venom, Poison Ivy's pollens and pheromones, and various other psychoactive substances, paralysis, comas, hangovers, and many, many more.

031. How diligent are they about their personal hygiene?

When he needs to go out in public, very much so, but he has been known to neglect himself when focused on a particularly frustrating mission.

032. Do they keep up with their medication if they have any?

Alfred makes sure he does whenever necessary, but he does sometimes intentionally skip doses if he finds that the effects interfere with his ability to carry out his work.

033. Are they particularly concerned with staying healthy/clean?

Only to maintain respectability and the ability to fight crime. He doesn't fear death so much as no longer being able to protect others.

-- Symbolism

034. What colors are they related to?

Black as Batman, obviously, and perhaps gold as Bruce Wayne? He would be associated with wealth and extravagance, the color is the same as the champagne often served at his parties, and he is seen by some as a ray of light and symbol of hope in Gotham's dark, corrupt atmosphere.

035. What animals symbolize them?

Other than his clear connection to bats, there are also some parallels between him and a wolf. Both are seen by others as solitary predators despite clearly being pack animals. Plus, the animal's fierce and loyal characteristics are also very present in Bruce's own personality.

036. What plants symbolize them?

From Victorian Floral Code:

Asphodel - Remembered Beyond The Tomb

Red begonia - Dark Thoughts

Bluebell - Constancy

Bittersweet Nightshade - Truth

Box - Stocism

Cedar - Strength; I Live For Thee

Pink carnation - I'll Never Forget You

Cypress - Despair; Mourning

Dogwood - Love Undiminished by Adversity

Eglantine - Poetry; I Wound To Heal

Everlasting - Enduring Remembrance

Fennel - Force; Strength

Adonis Flos - Painful Recollections

Forsythia - Good Nature

Dark Geranium - Melancholy

Gladiolus - Strength of Character

Heliotrope - Devotion

Hyacinth - Sorrow

Ivy - Fidelity

Lavender - Mistrust

Marigold - Grief; Despair

Monkshood - Chivalry

Snowball - Bound

Johnny Jump-Up Viola - Thoughts, Remembrance

Wallflower - Fidelity in Adversity

Water lily - Eloquence; Purity of Heart

Weeping willow - Mourning

037. What celestial bodies symbolize them?

Stars - guidance, hope, and destiny

Comets - change and upheaval

038. What time of day are they most related to?

Night. A time of secrets and darkness. Light still exists; it's just harder to find. So long as there are those who can't rest safely each night, he will make this darkness his home.

039. What is a number or numbers that relate to them?

2. A number of dichotomy and conflict, as well as partners and cooperation. Two parents lost, two identities formed, the dynamic duos that protected him from the harm of self isolation, the two alters at war within his best friend, Harvey Dent, once the white knight to his dark knight, and the minimum number of people he can count on to continue residing at Wayne Manor, as they have since the other two were lost.

040. What elements are they most connected to?

Earth. Grounded, solid, steadfast, and dependable. Rich in resources and the foundation for all continued life.

041. What type of weather are they?

Gloomy and overcast. Melancholy and mundane, he isn't always appreciated and can be a source of misery for some, but to those of an acquired taste, he offers peace and hope, with the promise of a better life to come after putting up with a downpour or two.

042. What season of the year are they?

Fall. A time of death, loss, and change. He sacrifices and sheds parts of himself, so life and hope can begin a new in those around him. Even if he doesn't live to see the eventual spring, he will bear the brunt of the coming winter to leave the world stronger than he left it.

043. What kind of precious material are they?

Diamond. Forged under pressure and difficult to break.

044. What type of music fits them best?

Classical instrumental. Filled with soul and complex emotions, even if often overlooked or misunderstood by others due to a disconnect from those who rely more heavily on verbal communication.

045. What songs are closely tied to them?

Symphony No. 3 by Henryk Górecki, also known as the Symphony of Sorrowful Songs, is a piece that always spoke to something in him, especially after the deaths of his own parents. He might give its name if asked for his favorite song, but to actually hear him listening to it nowadays would likely not be a great sign for his emotional stability in that moment.

-- Preferences

046. What is their favorite food and drink?

Steak and steamed vegetables have always been a reliable go-to, and he wouldn't be able to function without the vast amounts of black coffee he consumes each day. Although, if he were trying to pair the two, red wine would be a better fit for the aforementioned meal.

047. Do they like sports?

Not particularly. He likes engaging in physical activity and appreciates the value sports add to society, but he's not the type of person who needs to keep up with a particular game or team. His priorities lie elsewhere.

048. Do they like hot or cold weather?

Cold. He's used to Gotham's gloom and recognizes the practical truth that it will always be easier to warm oneself than attempt to cool off.

049. How do they feel about animals?

While he appreciates them and finds it himself easily growing to care for them, he does think that there's a limit to how many of them people can personally care for within a single household and hopes Damian's penchant for collecting strays doesn't end up getting out of hand.

050. How do they feel about nature?

It's a precious resource that needs to be protected, but unlike a certain adversary of his, he doesn't believe the loss of human lives is necessary for that protection.

051. Do they prefer science or the humanities?

Personally, science. However, he does believe teaching the humanities to be more important when it comes to fostering a kinder society and making people aware of societal warning signs before true corruption can take root.

052. Are they booksmart or streetsmart?

Mostly booksmart, but he's streetsmart enough to do his job as Batman. He's knowledgeable on how the criminal underworld works and capable of analyzing his enemies' psyches, but there are deficits regarding his social intelligence in general that often get in his way.

053. Are they more comfortable in large crowds, small groups, or totally alone?

While he would likely say alone, he does, in fact, work and feel best when in the company of a few close friends or family.

054. Do they feel more in their element in urban or rural settings?

Urban, but specifically an older, darker version of urban. Places like Metropolis can feel too bright and overwhelming, and they lack the harsher architecture and abundance of hiding spots he's grown used to in Gotham.

055. How do they feel about math and language?

Both are important cornerstones of society, and he's made sure to remain well-versed in each subject.

056. Do they prefer to travel or stay in one place?

Stay in one place. There's a comfort in familiarity, even if Gotham can't exactly be described as comfortable on its own.

057. Are they good about getting out of their comfort zone?

Not really. That may seem hard to believe, given his nighttime activities, but pain and fighting have become commonplace to him. It's much harder to trust others or allow himself to be vulnerable than to face off against increasingly more difficult foes.

058. What’s their sense of humor like?

Dry, sarcastic, and often deadpan. It's sometimes hard to tell that he's joking beyond the sheer ridiculousness of some of his statements.

059. Do they have any special interests?

Justice and social reform.

060. What pieces of media are important to them?

The Gray Ghost and The Mark of Zorro, although, he hasn't seen either in decades. Television and film in general have lost much of their appeal to him since his parents' deaths.

061. What are their pet peeves?

Recklessness, greed, and cowardice shown by people who have others depending on them.

-- Sociabilities

062. Are they more introverted or extroverted?

Introverted, for sure, but he can pretend to be extroverted when he needs to be. He enjoys being around those he cares about, but even then, he prefers to observe them interacting with each other or quietly enjoy their company.

063. Are they paternal in nature?

Given that he has managed to amass a small army of children, several of which were acquired against his will and best efforts, it's safe to say that he's so paternal, it's often to his detriment. He doesn't believe any kid deserves him and the trouble that seems to follow him in their lives, but he will always care for the few that made their way into his life regardless. He also treats kids in general with as much kindness as possible, knowing all too well how frightening and lonely it can be to exist as one.

064. Do they want kids?

Surprisingly, no. He's only adopted kids if he's felt he's been their best and/or only option, which doesn't happen often. He didn't plan to have Damian, and he doesn't plan to willingly bring any more children into his horror show of a life. Of course, that's how he's always felt, so odds don't look great for him actually maintaining that goal any time soon.

065. What level of emotional intelligence do they have?

His emotional intelligence is fairly decent; however, his emotional wisdom and social skills often leave something to be desired. He can understand that he's in distress and needs to care for himself just fine, but that doesn't do him any good if he convinces himself he can handle things alone, believes himself to be undeserving of compassion, and actively refuses to take said care of himself. Likewise, while he can often understand the emotions of those around him, not everyone appreciates some of those emotions being treated as a simple problem he just has to find the solution for.

066. How do they communicate their thoughts and feelings (positive or negative) to others?

He doesn't. He bottles it all up until they push him too far or the occasional feeling dawns on him that he should them know he cares about them. After all, he's very obvious in showing how he feels (in his mind, at least), so why does he need to specifically voice it all the time?

067. What are their love languages out of the classic 5?

Acts of service, gift-giving, and quality time. Physical touch is also a common one for him in romantic relationships, but he doesn't initiate it nearly as often in platonic or familial relationships.

068. What are their love languages not included in the classic 5?

Memorization of small details, protection, avoidance, and sacrifice (up to and including his own life).

069. How strong is their sense of empathy?

Not very. He can be incredibly sympathetic and has his ways of reading people, but unless he can specifically relate to their current situation, he can't actually place himself in their shoes and feel what they're feeling. Even when he can relate to their situation, he moreso taps into his own past feelings than connects with their current ones, which can be counterproductive if they feel differently.

070. Do they allow themself to be vulnerable or keep all at a distance?

He absolutely keeps everyone at a distance, but those patient and persistent enough can definitely break through his walls and witness moments of vulnerability from him despite his best efforts to pretend such vulnerabilities don't exist. Those who pay close enough attention will even realize that the very fact that he allows them to get close means that he's already become vulnerable to them. The only time he doesn't try to hide that, though, is when he truly believes they need a reminder of how much he cares for them.

071. Do they struggle relating to others with foreign experiences?

Very much so, but that doesn't mean he automatically dismisses them. He'll always try to help others in their struggles as long as they aren't harming others. Even then, he's been known to offer words of kindness to those most in society wouldn't seem worthy of such an act. People can't change if never presented with the opportunity or motivation to do so.

072. How quickly are they to give their trust?

What trust? Joking aside though, trust always needs to be earned with Bruce. However, once fully earned and fostered, it's hard to break that trust entirely. He might not trust them in small matters anymore, but he'd likely still trust them with his life if push came to shove.

073. Are they more of an optimist or pessimist?

He would describe himself as more of a realist, but his life experiences have led him to expect the worst more often than not. Despite that, he continues to fight for a world where better expectations might more easily exist.

074. Are their emotions easily influenced by others’?

Only by those he's already started to grow close to. Usually, there are too many walls in place, but once someone's slipped past his defenses, it doesn't take much to have him wrapped around their finger.

-- Romance & Sexuality

075. Do they fall on the aromantic/asexual spectrum?

Definitely. He's demi in both spectrums, requiring an existing emotional connection before developing feelings for or attraction to anyone.

076. Do they want to be married?

Ideally, yes. In practice, it would take a lot to convince him to add yet another potential family member for him to lose into his life, though.

077. What type of features are they attracted to?

Sharp/angular facial features, plush lips, slender builds, toned muscles, broad shoulders, long hair, heights not far below but potentially fairly far above his own, and nice hands

078. What type of personalities are they attracted to?

Passionate, charismatic, mature, strong-willed, kind, and respectful people who are good with children.

079. What type of personalities repulse them/are a turn off?

Rude, violent, manipulative, reckless, egotistical, immature, and/or chauvinistic people unable to take anything seriously.

080. Would they be open to a threesome?

Not unless it was one mind shared between two bodies or one body shared between two minds.

081. Would they be open to a foursome or more?

The previous answer would still stand, but there would be more hesitance for each additional body/mind. More alters/other variations of head mates would be more likely to cause real discomfort than more bodies, though, since each one would technically be a separate partner with their own thoughts and personality. 2 minds might actually be a max for him.

082. Would they be okay with an open relationship?

Not at all. I could see him agreeing to his partner seeing others to keep them happy if he was talked into it, but he wouldn't be able to keep up multiple relationships at once himself, and even sharing his current partner would be very unhealthy for him and would eventually break him to the point of pulling away entirely.

083. Are they polygamous?

Absolutely not, as explained in the previous answer.

084. Are they open about their sexuality (both orientation and general)?

Nope. He doesn't even realize he's on the ace/aro spectrums, much less that he's bi. Even with women, he denies his attraction to them as long as he can and tries to avoid even purely emotional attachment to them, due to his tendency to repress emotions, his lacking romantic experience and his fear of loss. He's also a deeply private person in general and tries to avoid being the focus of a conversation.

085. Are they comfortable with casual sex?

No, he doesn't even feel the need to engage in such acts when not in a relationship. He would have no reason to seek out temporary companionship, and he wouldn't be attracted to anyone without forming a deeper connection to them. He hadn't even had his first kiss before becoming involved with Selina, and his one night stand with Talia was not intended to be so brief on his side of things.

086. How comfortable are they with discussing sexuality in general?

In general, incredibly uncomfortable, but with a (potential) partner, usually the most discomfort he'll feel is some mild shyness or embarrassment.

087. What are their kinks?

Bondage (mostly receiving), dominance (receiving), body worship (giving), sparring/wrestling, sensation play, adrenaline/danger play (only when no real risk/threat exists to deal with or after dealing with something real not brought on by his partner where nobody else could've been hurt), roleplaying (mostly bringing hero/rogue personas into the bedroom, though he's too embarrassed to reveal so without prompting), clothed sex (either both or just his partner), costumes/uniforms (mostly formal attire, business wear, and hero/rogue uniforms), lingerie (on either his partner or himself, but he hasn't been introduced to that second option yet), teasing (mostly receiving), and suspension (mostly receiving).

088. If they could choose, on average, would they prefer slow and sensual or fast and rough?

He definitely prefers to slow down and appreciate things as they occur, but he'll speed up if requested, and he certainly wouldn't have any complaints being treated a little rougher if his partner was the one controlling the pace.

089. Does emotional intimacy play any part in their enjoyment of sex?

Absolutely. He cannot enjoy the act if he isn't physically pleasing a partner he has grown emotionally attached to. He doesn't even tend to himself, though there's generally no need to if he hasn't interacted with such a person recently.

090. How tolerant are they of kinks they don’t have?

It depends on the potential they have to cause harm or illness and how much physical pleasure it would bring his partner. Outside of his own relationships, he doesn't care what people do as long as they're being safe and discreet.

091. Are they more prone to the dominant or submissive role?

Submissive. He can fake being dominant occasionally to please his partners, but it doesn't come naturally to him, and prolonged teasing or pushback would quickly break his resolve.

092. Do they prefer the penetrated (bottom) or penetrating (top) position?

He has no preference, but given that he has only had cis female partners in the past, he is more experienced as a top. Although, he would be uncertain of himself either way at first with a partner who had the same genitalia as him, and until he became more confident in his skill with that type of anatomy, he would likely always make sure they were still stimulated from the front in some way when topping. He also tries to use other forms of stimulation when taking the bottom role with partners lacking the necessary natural anatomy, wanting to make sure their needs are still being met. In any case, constant audible confirmation of his partner's pleasure greatly helps to reassure him and keep his anxieties from interfering.

093. Are they a sadist, masochist, or both?

He's not exactly a masochist persay, but if any pain is going to occur, he would much rather it happen to him. Anything on his end couldn't go beyond gentle love nips, lightly running his nails across skin, or minimal pressure/squeezing applied to certain body parts, and that last one would take a bit of convincing before he was comfortable trying.

094. Do they prefer to give or receive oral sex?

Give. He grows deeply uncomfortable whenever he is doted on in any way unless he is able to return the affection, preferably simultaneously, Even when he's already made sure his partner has had their fill for the time being, having all attention turned on him can still make him tense or squirmy, especially when when unable to at least touch them while it's happening.

-- Misc.

095. Would they be considered “out of touch” with the present day?

In some ways. He doesn't necessarily keep up with the latest trends or what slang is currently in use among the youth of today. In fact, he could easily be described as a product of an older era. However, he is more aware than most of the things that truly matter in life, and people trust him to pay attention to their needs and do his best to fight for necessary changes, when others with his level of power in society often ignore anything that doesn't directly seem to affect them or even make things worse for those less fortunate if it works to their advantage.

096. What are their feelings about recycling?

It's an incredible method for reducing waste, but an individual's efforts to engage in it won't make a difference if the corporations that create most of the world's waste continue not to take any accountability or make any attempts at change themselves.

097. Do they have any grasp of Internet culture?

Basically none. If it could provide insight on a case, he might put in the effort to learn a thing or two, but beyond that, it holds no relevance in his life.

098. What’s their average level of energy?

Probably a 5. Tired and overworked, but he manages to carry on regardless.

099. What are they proud of?

His family, his friends, and people who have chosen to better themselves despite any struggles involved in doing so. He holds no pride for any of his own actions or achievements, though.

100. What do they regret?

Every mistake, real or imagined, that he's ever made, the people that he's failed to save making up the majority of that regret.

101. Do they have any secrets?

...He's Batman.

[tinygamertris]

THIS IS VERY BELATED but I want you to know I saw your tags and LAUGHED, so I wanted to pick from one of them (or, more, blend two): How did your characters experience as an orphan shape their perception of Garlemald? Might this have changed if their parents lived? Might this have changed if they were adopted/received a different family?

I'm not playing Gentian any more but I spent SO LONG working on his lore that I can still answer the questions! Yay!

(Also I'm very glad I made you laugh!)

(EDIT: I spent twenty minutes gushing to one of my besties about how much fun I had making this post, and then explaining to him about Gentian, and now I'm back to playing the lad who is going to fix Garlemald come hell or high water! Thank you! XD)

For the first 12-odd years of his life, or at least the bits he remembers, Gentian's world was the orphanage, the block of old homes and slowly collapsing businesses around it, and the people who lived there. Nobody was rich, nobody was strong, but everyone banded together and helped out. The little old ladies in the bakery three doors down always made sure that someone had a cake for their birthday even if it was teeny. The family down the road would hand down clothes as their own army of kids grew up. The kids in the orphanage would run packages around the neighbourhood for the veteran who lost his legs in the Werlyt Campaign and he'd tell them stories of the friends he'd made and loved and lost and sometimes men from his unit would come around and the whole neighbourhood would come together to help them return to civilian life. It was hard but everyone pulled together, and I think it shaped his love of Garlemald in a way that can never be shaken. He's seen the worst of his country, yes, but he's also seen the best.

If his parents had lived he would probably have grown up in Ala Mhigo, loyal to the Empire and completely inured from the dark side of the country. His parents came to the country because his mother was part of the second army of builders, managers and administrators who followed the Garlean victory (she could use paperwork to make almost anything happen, and the messy state of the country genuinely did need people like her), and of course they couldn't leave him behind! It was an accident of bad timing and rebels who didn't care overmuch about civilian casualties that killed them; if she'd left work five minutes later or earlier they'd have lived. I think he'd have still felt loyal to the Empire, and probably still contributed to their magitek in time, but he wouldn't have had the same intense love for the civilian population he has in canon.

It would've been so, so easy for someone terrible to adopt him. The noble families of Garlemald are often twisting knots of infighting and jockeying for power, and we've seen how many innocent sons Valens van Varro took in and tried to corrupt. We've seen how the grandson and great-grandson of the Most Beloved Emperor Solus zos Galvus were raised! He was genuinely lucky it was the Dravis family that got wind of him first, given that they were honest and generally kind. If word of his magitek skills never got out, though, he would've stayed at the orphanage until 18, then been sent to the army to earn his citizenship. I don't think he'd have been happy in that life, and I also don't think he'd survive for very long.

[nyasialiveshere]

I saw this coming ten billion miles away without glasses on

people always act like analytical people be doing to much...when the reality is this world is not peaches and cream. When money is involved people get evil. I said something fishy was going on first sm trying to sell to the highest bidder before the new years even roll in. They barely promoted any of their artists latest projects, no decent interviews nothing, they are mainly focused on touring nct, pushing this huge exo comeback that they clearly didn’t even think about cause if they were smart they would have done it last year not in the middle of the year when two members could have been called to the military at any time. This company weird and I hope all the papa lee clowns understand these kpop companies/ent companies/companies period don’t care about nobody a whole baby products company was selling stuff they knew had asbestos in it to new parents for decades.

 S.m ent in paticular has always given me slimy gross creepy vibes simply because of how they treated certain people, no way you could treat people like garbage ignore mental health, physical health and allow kids to sign their lives away knowing you not even going to recommend them to a doctor after you’re threw with them that’s evil. It’s sad fans only see it when it’s right in front of their eyes or their idols themselves are explaining openly that they fell victim to a company’s evil. It’s not just the company it’s the fans as well they have made a bad situation even worse with their dehumanizing kpop idols treating them like parasocial barbie dolls, this ain’t life sized

but it’s slowly becoming that I swear if yall could by a synthetic robot clone of these idols for the right price yall probably would.

Like something should ping when it’s socially acceptable for someone to have to apologize for having a baby and a wife. I’m sorry I don’t even have time to go into it but the yaoi boyband fanservice industry

(SMAP 1980s actual babies when they came up in the industry)

 pioneered by creepozoid 9000 Johnny Kitagawa

Should have never prospered the way it did. For some reason Japan kind of kept it going but there was a gradual cultural acceptance of hey maybe if these boys who never got to have a childhood want to one day get married and have a family or a lover..who cares(for the most part they aren’t perfect but they are wayyy better than they used to be).  The idea is basically “As long as they keep performing and giving the fans what they love we will accept it”

Because I think in kpop the first thing you see is this the ready to be consumed and sexualized by the public product

For many groups despite childhood photos and a few pictures showing that these idols that to the young fans at the time are soo mature...actually aren’t.

 Even early 20s 19/18 although legal in most places is scary young to be accessible to the public as a hot or sexy idol. I’ll never forget that interview where kai and baekyun were like legal but still very young and an interviewer asked them if they watched p*rn they were shocked but played along. Now and days when kids first get off of disney people usually take it easy on them and ask light questions the fact that it was considered socially acceptable for the public to have access to such private and personal information of two young men by a grown ass adult can only be understood that they weren’t just young guys they were idols, it was just the begining of what would eventually become necessary. They may not have been forced to talk about personal details but they would later be expected to be sex objects.

Of course grown artists can be mature and make mature content but I think the problem comes in with the fact that the members, although fans knew them as trainee’s, they knew them and their idol persona’s as trainee’s. Very few fans probably saw them as what they were just young kids, well trained young kids but at the end of the day even in my early 20s, kids fresh out of highschool to me may as well be middle schoolers but they were seen as more than that. Immediately every member of exo became free fandom real estate. Millions of tweets, fanfics, tumblr post, youtube reactions etc they had no control over.

I’m not blaming the fans many were super young themselves probably younger than the members in the group I’m just saying when you look back this situation was not a good one. They never had a chance.

I think not being able to date openly, or have kids or express themselves like normal people their age definitely took a toll. The company is at fault but the fans are basically their captors, the company is selling but the fans are buying. They had to be the perfect products.

Honestly the ideal of a boyband is really a boybrand. 

The goal for any dude in a boyband is to get out of it...obviously.

 But in kpop it’s like the fans never ever want that to happen(unless they have a dating scandal) even if they weren’t being treated right// in reality they want to go home to their families//which is normal. People act like the fact that idols are so busy they barely see their families is no big deal//its a very big deal. They are missing out on milestones, birthdays, family reunions, they loose family members. Like that’s crazy that doesn’t really register to fans. 

At the end of the day fans are like the actual bosses of celebs everybody is fake nice to their boss. That’s why it’s so important to above all care about the art first, like the persona and respect the person underneath or else you will get your feelings hurt. It’s a sticky situation, yes they want their job but they also want..more than privacy..it’s not just about oh yes I’m a good fan I respect their privacy. Who wants to hide a relationship or their child or their spouse for goodness sakes it’s sick. It’s reminding me of the capital..seriously all kpop fans should watch the hunger games catching fire. The tributes constantly performing for the crowd the audience who want to see them with specific people

cheering for the secret lovers not understanding they were in reality fighting for their lives. Sadly trauma bonding made some of them actually seek companionship with one another cause what other choice do they have/ but they literally had to fake a relationship or have pretend none at all if they were heavily desired. Cause the viewers want specific tributes to be together even though literally they were all suffering despite looking amazing.

 Seriously it’s so similar to ent industry stuff going on all over the world it’s crazy.

I just feel like people only get woken up out of the illusion that any of this glitter is in fact not gold when its their group that is having issues. 

[selchwife]

ive talked about this before and it may be kind of negative but ill do it again i don’t care. i like talking about my feelings. under a cut bc it’s unconscionably long but stuff about emetwol in fandom and idk. Internalized homophobia I guess?

beyond not caring for some of the m/f emetwol writing i’ve encountered (depending of course on the individual author and WoL) and finding it regressive or sexist, it does feel kind of like. i don’t know, hurtful isn’t the right word, but it’s unpleasant to me that that sort of writing is much more popular than m/m emetwol because it kind of gets at a weird place for me vis a vis like growing up with homophobia that i think is kind of hard to articulate. (this is specifically about stuff that feels super reliant on very highly codified gender roles to me and the way i feel that that sort of work is exceedingly popular, it’s not about every m/f emetwol ship.)

it’s kind of childish language but there’s a part of me that consistently sees these characters as like, “fairytale princesses,” like their performance of womanhood is unassailable and their claim to beauty is unquestioned, and so Naturally they end up with a desirable man, and like. idk. there is an extra TRANS gay dimension in this for me, I guess. i was very invested in fairytales as a kid myself, but i always felt kind of torn about identifying with these female protagonists who inhabited roles I felt like I couldn’t, and very early on i was consistently frustrated by what looking back i recognize as feeling, like, emasculated by the whole idea. my Stereotypical As Fuck Childhood Fantasy at this point was wearing full body armor and saving a princess and having her assume i was male.

anyway, so obviously i have some friction with the whole Ideal Woman Role, given I’m a trans guy. duh. i think it was tough bc like, on an emotional level even as a child i was aware I was a boy, even if i couldn’t figure out how to express this or that it was possible to say so. and i liked other boys, and because i knew vaguely that being gay was “bad,” i felt discomfort and guilt about it, and like i was doing something wrong by liking other boys. compounded by the issue that THEY did not see ME as Other Boys and made me angry by treating me as a girl. so like, it was hard to know on some level that i wasn’t actually female, and like other guys, and then consistently have other guys only like me or interact with me on the level of like, this sort of socially acceptable female face I had to wear growing up. i could only get close to guys i liked on ANY level, whether as potential romantic partners or as friends, through the Girl Pantomime. but because i was stuck in the whole Girl Act there was this wall between me and other guys, and i could never really entertain getting close to even guys I might’ve otherwise been interested in because i knew like, the only reason they had any interest in me was because they were straight. like particularly with my friend from high school who I went to prom with, who i might’ve liked back if like, it were in a context where he was interested in me as another guy - but he only liked me because he saw me as a girl who shared his interests and a girl who was his friend, so he did not like ME.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that seeing these very very gendered like, “ideal subservient woman x guy you like” depictions be met with TONS of positive feedback and engagement and praise feels like a repetition of that rejection? especially because my own writing for emetwol is not met with nearly the same kind of engagement on The AO3. it feels like another sort of “you can only secure the attention of other men whose companionship or love you want by being a woman, rendering the whole thing entirely pointless because the only way that camaraderie and love will fulfill you is if you’re seen as a man — and this is because men and women interacting under the aegis of these extremely exaggerated gender roles is the ideal, it’s what everyone wants and views as positive, and what would be affirming and healing to you is what everyone else finds distasteful and perverse.” and i know it’s not necessarily that deep, but like, it feels that way! it really does feel that way when you’re repeatedly presented with this like stark Men Are This, Women Are This, Men And Women Interact Like This kind of narrative, and you see that narrative praised over and over again, and when you try to tell your own story nobody listens.

and I get that that’s discounting somewhat the fact that my dear friends DO listen, and you guys listen. i appreciate it a lot. it’s just like, idk, it’s a different feeling to have your friends say “cool fic!” when you show them versus publishing your work on ao3 and having other, new people respond and tell you they liked it and so on. and i also understand that popularity means very little, and that there’s no sin in other people writing things that aren’t to my taste and my taste apparently not being so mainstream.

i think it’s just like, I don’t resent other people for being something that I’m not and enjoying things I don’t. but it’s sometimes very isolating and painful to remember that like, idk, I’ve found connection with other lgbt people online and found a good community and structured my little social world around that and it’s great and wonderful, but that doesn’t change that in the wider world I do not fit in. i’m not what people want me to be and not capable of being that, and the things that are important to me are viewed by others with at best a sort of indifference or “how quaint!” and at worst disgust. and straight people’s relationships, and subsequently writing about straight characters’ relationships, are automatically conferred a greater sense of weight and value. and with emetwol sometimes I feel like an m/f story like this is automatically viewed as a sweeping epic and the love as inherently very deep and real, but with m/m it’s sort of relegated to like, oh how cute that men like him too, or whatever. idk how to articulate it precisely, but the feeling like men’s relationships just aren’t seen as like, as romantic or as Real in comparison. silly slash fans playing with dolls. you know. IDEK how much of that is even true, but it’s how it makes me feel, like “you don’t really belong here, no one wants to hear about your silly little Thing, but we suppose you can sit at the kiddy table with the other gays.”

i think one of the things that makes me maddest in this vein is the fic i read where emet having an attraction to men is included as a throwaway line SOLELY in order to establish that he’s become incurably morally corrupt and debauched. like. Cool

and idk, i don’t want to come across like it’s just “i’m crying homophobia bc nobody reads or talks up my stuff on the fanfictions website :’(“ bc i’m aware Not Getting AO3 Hits is kind of a petty complaint and no one is obligated to read my fic in particular. It just feels like the Environment surrounding the ship unless i specifically track down other m/m shippers or nb/m shippers, so it’s hard to pin to one thing. especially bc the perception by the wider ffxiv fandom is TOTALLY that emetwol is like almost exclusively a straight woman’s pursuit

no real good snappy conclusion to this. i just wish i felt better about it i suppose, and also like i didn’t feel i have to apologize so much for feeling unheard compared to other people. it’s not like i want to demand attention as though I’m entitled to it or something, I guess it’s just demoralizing sometimes to put a lot of my heart into writing for pfeil and emet and feel like no one will want to read it or take it as seriously because they’re gay men

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW : unsafe situations for minors, sexual trauma, rape, csa

Hello I wanted to send an ask to help me process something from my teen years. I think I mostly need to talk about it, but if it seems important to point something I missed, I'd love to read about that too.

There's so much more than that because I was so unsafe growing up, but right now I'm especially thinking about a friend I had in middle school.

We were some of the only queer kids to our knowledge, so of course we stuck together and we explored non-cishet themes. By exploring I mean we would discuss shipping, draw, talk about sexuality in general ect. This is pretty normal for teens and I believe it helped me find a reason to keep going at the time, given how terrible everything else was.

The thing that bothers me though, is that this person brought up rape a lot.

We used to roleplay as many teens do, and they would so often make their characters rape mine or tell my characters to rape another. It was a sort of trademark, I remember they had a nickname with "pervert" in it, so it became a sort of personality trait.

They were also joking about raping me once or twice, and I was a dissociated mess back then but I don't remember being terrified exactly. More confused than anything. Maybe I was actually scared, at least I think I was uncomfortable. I don't see any context where someone would hear another person joking about raping them and not be uncomfortable.

They never touched me in that way though, so I keep thinking it isn't that bad, but seeing how much denial I was in about my actual rape (unrelated), I'm not so sure I'm "fine".

For them I think rape was the main way in which they conceived sexual attraction, it was a joke we constantly saw in youtube videos at the time. And it was around 2014-2015, so most of the queer content available was yaoi with of course a lot of abuse and rape.

To me at the time, rape was this thing that was "technically bad", because I saw how the men in these youtube videos were making faces when implying someone was a rapist. Rape was clearly represented as a crime, but not a traumatizing thing for the victim - more like, don't do it or you will go to jail.

I knew it was something bad, but the culture in general (and my friend as well) did not address why. So in the end, because we joked about it a bunch, because it was just grouped with "regular sex", then it must've actually been kind of fine. That's the general narrative I remember.

I grew up very sheltered so I didn't really know what I was supposed to feel or do about this. I was also assaulted when I was very young, can't remember but the symptoms have always influenced my life heavily. There wasn't really anywhere I could've gone to have someone, or even something like a book tell me that rape was never okay. I know my friend was probably the same, and I can't help thinking they must have been struggling with sexuality / sexual trauma given their behavior.

And in the end, we did bond, and even if it was extremely unhealthy, it was my first time learning about my sexuality and exploring my queer identity.

Because of that, I'm not sure what to do about those memories.

Hi anon,

I'm sorry about what you went through.

I can definitely see how the queer content available at the time may have influenced the normalization of rape, and I also think just the culture around the early 2000s trivialized rape, especially by using it as a punchline (I just think about this). While I think, at least in America, that modern culture still has some work to do in terms of respecting the true gravity of rape, there has been a drastic improvement in how we approach the subject.

At the same time, I don't believe that this was really the only reason why they were heavily incorporating rape into their roleplay. However, I don't think it's necessary to speculate their motives, because it doesn't change the fact that their behavior was unacceptable.

While you say this experience wasn't "that bad" it's still apparent that this had a notable effect on you and I think that's worth highlighting. It's understandable that this bothers you, what happened was not okay. However you feel about these experiences is valid.

This is something that it sounds like you're actively processing, and so it's especially okay that you're not sure what to do about these memories. It's not necessarily my place to tell you what to do about them, but it may be helpful to start by figuring out how you want to name this experience, and going from there.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mylifeisafadingtragedy]

Protected by angels

It was just like another weekend except for the fact that she was done with her entire miserable life and it was New Year’s Eve. Waking up late, eating whatever was left from last week’s trip to the store which mainly comprised of chips, and logging in to begin editing for the day. She was once living up to her name, Lucia. Now she was the shell of the person she used to be.

She held up her phone for it to unlock and before it turned on, she saw her reflection, sad and forlorn. Her hair was matted and grimy. Not that it was bad but she hated it. She opened her messenger only to sigh and turn it off again. No new messages. She was angry. She got up from her desk and looked out her window. The sun was already overhead and she saw a boy selling newspaper in the street. She had talked to him a few months ago. He seemed nice and had a thick French accent. She went out and bought a newspaper.

“Good afternoon, miss.”

“A good afternoon to you too, peter. Say, how’s your mother doing?”

He switched the papers to his right side and smiled, “Much better, miss. I was going to take the bus today to see her at Paravels.”

She knew it was far away and offered him a ride, to which he happily obliged. “We have a campsite there too, miss. You could spend time in the mountains and watch the stars. My mother used to take me there sometimes. But its mostly free at this season.”

Looking at the road, she knew this was something she’d usually never do. She glanced at the sleeping figure of the golden haired boy in the backseat and wondered how easy it would be for kidnappers to kidnap this kid. Making a mental note to tell his mom about it. The rest of the ride was quite uneventful and she dropped him at the lilac coloured building which overgrown red rose bushes covered.

She started to the mountain in her brown mini camper. Peter’s mom had given her a basket of fruits from her garden. She seemed healthy now after her medications. Lucia looked at the phone again to find that no one had contacted her again. Her friends had promised that they would be in touch always.

Guess it was all a lie.

She felt betrayed and just thought maybe it was because she wasn’t enough. She was the only one to start trips, parties and get togethers. She had moved to France a year earlier and she was entirely alone. There were people like peter who were her friends, but she felt that even if she died tomorrow no one would know. Looking up at the black void, she felt weirdly comforted that even the universe was lonely sometimes. Maybe things will get better, maybe they wont. But she would see through it. And she shifted her gaze to the fire, she heard footsteps nearby. She whirled to her feet, her hands on the machete strapped to her belt but loosed her grip when she saw that it was an old man. Sure old men could be murderers too but something about this old man seemed…off. Almost ancient and like teak wood.

Lucia had extra fruits anyway so she invited the old man who called himself Melchizedek to a cup of tea.

“God be with you, kind daughter. You have always been ready to help anyone. Sometimes you need to help yourself too.”

Lucia wanted to say something but she couldn’t find her voice.

Melchizedek continued, “sometime the people who you surround yourself may not appreciate you enough and that’s okay. They need time to grow and be present for the people who cared for them before its too late. Don’t hate yourself for something you didn’t do, Lucia. But you need to save yourself. You need to live a life you want for yourself without feeling the need to get validation. Just take things one day at a time. One step at a time”

Getting up he said, “Get home safe, kind one.” She could only speak after he walked past the curve of the road. Racing to the bent road she started looking for any sign of the old man. There was nothing. Not even a breeze. Walking back to her camper she put things back, deep in thought.

It’s okay. She was alone. But she is alive. Awake. She could call them instead or even just text them one last time. She had to keep looking for her soulmates. Even if the ones now weren’t. She must keep going.

The sky erupted into colours and the sounds of the firecrackers filled her ears. A single tear brushed past her cheek.

She would live. Another year. Perhaps this year doesn’t have to be like any other. She could still be the kind loving person of yesterday and be selfish enough to love herself too.

As she lit her front yard light and took off her boots, she couldn’t help but smile as a chill ran through her spine.

There in the heel was a embellished piece of metal in which were engraved the words-

“Protected by angels”

You let out a contented sigh as your campfire crackles under the starry night sky. The forest was quiet but peaceful that night. An old man trudges to your camp, asking to sit next to the fire.

[fairybeatsdragon]

One of närcons victims shared that a man called David Fallgren finally replied to their email, he said he looked into the discord abuse and happily stood by the mods threatening and banning the users for not breaking any rules. He was content with how they acted, even though närcons actions got the original owner called Carro to literally quit after a decade of owning it because she was so embarrassed and angry over how they handled it.

He also said the rules at närcon and in the discord are NOT confusing so they won't change them. This all started because närcon made threats over rules that never existed, in a discord that didn't belong to närcon (Carro does not work at närcon she only used the name for the creative discord to make a community for artists selling there), and at the time visitors were literally begging for clearer rules.

In short this David person is as skewd as the rest of them. He's yet another grown adult man siding with the abusing of teenage girls for asking for child safe guarding and siding with having pedos be guaranteed to come to närcon. He definitely can't be trusted. I'm sorry if this is harsh but I legit think the men who work at närcon are pedos for real, I just can't think of any other reason they'd want to protect pedos and going so far to punish kids for asking about it.

We all knew this would happen! David is as rotten as the rest of them, given his position of power he might be even more so. This original discord owner Carro getting the short end of the stick because of Närcon is sad, we hope she has been able to fully distance herself from Närcon at this point to not further damage her brand and livelihood. Remember that most sellers, artists and associations are victims of Närcons antics too and they aren't part of Närcon.

We cannot imagine siding with pedofiles, abusers and bullies but Närcon can, and do, all of that and more! We also find it highly questionable why grown men go through such great lengths just to silence kids from speaking about potential sexual content they saw at Närcon. What kind of men does that? Certainly not a normal non-pedo man. Not just silence them for a moment either, but permanently banning them from ever speaking about anything ever again.

[okaihauexpress]

bahaha I’m the anon from artielotl, for some reason I was almost sure you’d hate reader inserts but I’m glad u don’t! honestly I don’t mind what the fic is or what it’s about, I was just hoping for a Sam x reader ☠️ I love men with long hair like mmmm come here Rapunzel

hope this is what you were looking for dear nonnie! it's my first time writing reader insert in about 3 years so hopefully it not too bad!

As an adult, saying you had a "crush" felt embarrassingly childish. You weren't some kid on the playground at recess giggling about the cute boy who'd - GASP! - sat next to you in class, you were an adult with a job, bills, and responsibilities. But it was impossible to describe how you felt about Sam with any other word.

So, despite how it made you cringe, you accepted that you had a crush on Sam. But you also accepted that you weren't going to do anything about it. Back in elementary school you could've played kiss-chase (though in all your years of playing, you'd never actually seen anyone kiss anyone else), but an adult that wasn't exactly an option. At best, it'd produce an awkward laugh - at worst a restraining order and a suspended jail sentence.

You thought you did a good job of keeping it to yourself. You'd talk to Sam in casual conversation - kind of hard not to, given you worked at Nebula and he was the Chief Content Officer - but you didn't feel like you blushed outrageously or stumbled over your words. Conversations and meetings went on without a hitch, no one was any the wiser to the fact that every time you saw him your heart quickened. The scenarios you played over in your mind every night before bed - where Sam was suave and smooth talking and swept you off your feet - weren't known to a single soul.

Even if you'd spent the last few weeks (or was it months?) mentally planning out whether or not you'd take the surname Denby when you eventually married him, Sam approaching you at a work event was unexpected. It was unexpected, and it caught you off guard. If you'd known in advance that he was going to try and talk to you outside the carefully define boundaries of a meeting or an email, you wouldn't have had so much to drink. You hadn't drunk a lot, but enough that you could feel your head spinning as you turned and your lips looser than they should be.

"Hi," you breathed, and immediately you wondered if you'd sounded too in love? Maybe Sam would notice and freak out, maybe he'd report you to HR, maybe he'd--

"Hi," he replied, and you swore he sounded just as nervous as you did. Surely that was impossible though, as much as you'd spent the last few months (or was it weeks?) marinating in your emotions, you couldn't possibly imagine living in a world where he felt the same way about you.

There was a long silence after the greeting, and you analysed everything you'd done that entire evening in the few seconds that passed. Everything you could've done wrong flashed before your eyes, and you eventually took in a sharp breath and stood up as straight as you could.

"Sorry, am I in your way?" You asked, trying to step aside as you spoke.

Big mistake. The alcohol you'd consumed that had made you feel as if your head was spinning really started to hit as you moved, and you felt yourself losing your balance. You put out one hand to steady yourself - falling in front of Sam that second worst thing you could think of happening - only for that to directly result in the worst thing happening.

When you reached out, your hand collided with Sam's chest. In an instant you felt your body heating up with embarrassment. You were nothing short of mortified at the accidental touch and the way that it made you feel, and you prayed to every God you'd ever heard of - from every religion you could conceive - that the ground would open up beneath you and swallow you hole.

It didn't. You were still standing in front of Sam with your hand still on his chest - your humiliation having frozen you in place.

Sam, though, didn't seem to be upset. He wasn't frowning or scowling, there was no look of disgust on his face, there was just... Amusement? He was smiling, that was for certain, and he looked as if he was laughing too. Not laughing at you - Sam would never laugh at you - but then if he wasn't laughing at you, what could he be laughing at?

"You, uh, you seem to have-- Wait, can I start over?" Sam asked. Still in a state of shock you found the courage to nod twice, and Sam's smile widened again.

This time, before he spoke, he raised his hand. His fingers stretched out almost timidly, finding your wrist and slowly - touch almost featherlike - working over your palm. He looked down to where your hands were touching, then to you, as if to asses if this was okay.

You nodded again - just once this time - and he slotted his fingers between your own. Your mind was racing, and it wasn't just the effects of the alcohol you'd consumed. Sam was... He'd... He'd found you - gone out of his way to find you - at a party and now he was holding your hand. This wasn't real. You were going to wake up from a wonderful dream and have to face him at work and pretend you hadn't thought about yet another happily ever after.

"You fell for me," he said, though it almost seemed to be posed like a question.

A second silence lingered between the two of you, but this time you found yourself bursting out laughing. The dreams of a charismatic Sam had warmed you all over and left you feeling loved by this made up version of the man now standing before you, but the real Sam - awkwardly trying to get out a pickup line - was charming and endearing in his own way.

"I did," you laughed, your smile widening until you were beaming from ear to ear. "Whatever website told you to use that is out to get you. You're lucky I have a soft spot for pretty men that can't smooth-talk to save their lives."

"You think I'm pretty?" Sam asked, and your expression softened. His cheeks turned pink at the compliment and his eyes seemed to sparkle under the bright party lights. You'd always thought he was pretty, but the way he looked at you right now - like you'd just said the kindest thing he'd ever heard - made him so much more than just pretty.

"I think you're beautiful," you whispered. Summoning up courage from seemingly thin air you squeezed Sam's hand in your own and pressed your lips together, hoping that you hadn't misread the situation. It would, admittedly, be a case of terribly misguided signals on Sam's part if you had, but that fear never came to pass.

He just squeezed your hand tightly in return, and you knew that you'd work it out together.