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caprisun89bakerstreet · 3 months ago

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How can I be guilty as sin?

Ch.1 - What if he’s written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind?

୨⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯. ༊*·˚‧ੈ₊˚ ೃ࿐ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯୧

Series summary: the 5 times you almost told Obi-Wan about your feelings for him and the 1 time it slipped out

୨⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯. ༊*·˚‧ੈ₊˚ ೃ࿐ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯୧

“You never kiss anyone.”

“You’ve never seen me kiss anyone.” He corrects you and you want to crash his speeder for saying that.

୨⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯. ༊*·˚‧ੈ₊˚ ೃ࿐ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯୧

Pairing: obi-wan kenobi x jedi f!reader

Wordcount: 5.0k (got out of hand oops)

Chapter summary: the council got a tip that Cad Bane will be at a bar on Coruscant tonight. You and Obi-wan are send to capture him but a few drinks in your feelings for him are distracting as you start to get jealous

Tags/trigger warnings: alcohol, being pulled closer by stranger but is quickly resolved, reader gets jealous, protective obi-wan, forbidden love, yearning

Notes: this is not exactly finished but i’m too lazy to go through this and edit it again. And i spend too much time searching up in-canon alcoholic beverages—the things one does for writing a fic. Nowhere near perfect but anyways enjoy~

You were sitting in the Archives, looking through all the information available about a certain bounty hunter. One you disliked. A lot. Because you’ve already met him one or twice, and Cad Bane wasn’t the type you were ecstatic about to meet again. The Jedi Council got a tip from their contacts that Cad Bane, someone they’ve been trying to capture for months now, would be at a bar here on Coruscant tonight. The Durasteel Den. And you were assigned to capture him. Spitting through his information you don’t learn much else to your credit. He’s a bounty hunter. What did surprise you however is that he had recently kidnapped children. But there weren’t any clues as to why. The thought made your stumach twist. But there was someone else coming with you on this mission.

“Did you find anything?” You suddenly hear a familiar voice and turn to Obi-Wan standing behind you. If you could’ve bottled the sound of the warmth in it, his accent and the way it spread tingles through you, you would’ve gotten drunk on it every night. It would be stronger than the finest corellian whiskey that’s for sure.

“He’s bad with children.” You wildly understated as you look back at the screen with a frown. “But not much we don’t know already. I doubt we’ll need to know about his ‘babysitting skills’ if we’re leaving tonight.” You said, and felt Obi-Wan lean over your shoulder to look at the screen. Blast, why did you always feel as if there was an overwhelming force trying to escape the carefully locked insides of your heart whenever he’s near? You try to not turn your head to the side. Though part of you wanted to, just because he’s so close and maybe if you were living in a different time you could feel his lips brush over—-

“Ah. He enjoys making things difficult.”

“And he doesn’t know when to quit apparantly”

The chuckle that came from Obi-Wan then was the light of your darkest days. He moves away from you and places a hand on your shoulder as he looks down to you.

“I have to attend a meeting in a few minutes. But I’ll meet you at the landing platform tonight.”

“Right, see you later. And good luck.” You add casually and Obi-Wan gives you a look.

“You’re unbelievable.” He tells you with an amused smirk and walks away. And you can’t stop the grin that’s spreading on your face.

It was finally getting dark outside. The Coruscant skyline was illuminated by all the speeder lights for the famous nightlife the city has to offer. Sometimes you wonder how there even was a Jedi Temple on the planet being covered by infrastructure of a giant city. The only living Force being that of the millions of beings rummaging through the streets. From high class dealers, senators and officials to the lowest class scum, villainy and those living of scraps. The unfairness of this Galaxy always made you feel a very strong sense of injustice. Grabbing your lightsaber from your desk, and clipping it to your belt, you make your way to the landing platform. You already see Obi-Wan waiting for you. He greets you with a smile.

“Look who finally decided to show up.” He teases, and you can’t help but roll your eyes.

“Hey I’m arriving at a perfectly reasonable time! But I also know how much you love to see me coming.” You tease back defensively and pat his arm gently as you walk past him to the speeder. You can’t see his grin as he shakes his head and follows you.

On your way to the Durasteel Den, you can’t get rid of the bad feeling in your stomach. Or maybe it was just because you were flying down the lower levels of Coruscant.

“Obi, Bane is smart, how do we know he’ll actually be there?” you ask then and glance at him.

Obi-Wan stays silent for a moment thinking about your words as he flies through the city. His brow furrow just slightly the way it always did when he was deep in thought.

“He’s smart, yes. But everyone let’s something slip sometimes. We can’t always be flawless.” He responds.

You give him a look. Because you were all too aware of Obi-Wan’s perfectionistic tendencies and how he beats himself up over every tiny single mistake.

“You know, that’s very ironic coming from you.” You tease him and can see the corner of his lips turn up. He glances at you.

“Oh so you think I am flawless?” He couldn’t help but tease back.

“No that’s not—“ you start but then shake your head and look away. “You know what i meant you kriffing nerfherder.”

He chuckles softly at your words and contiues to fly to the Durasteel Den. “Ofcours.” He awnsers then.

You try to ignore the fact you feel a little flustered. But you’re able to hide it. Like many feelings over the years. Because you weren’t supposed to feel like this as a Jedi. But maybe you did think he was flawless, was it that bad? You couldn’t help yourself and glanced at him again. With a look you only reserved for him, unknowingly. Though Anakin told you about it once. He could see the way you glanced at his former master whenever you thought he wasn’t looking.

Obi-Wan’s own faint blush was hidden by the darkness of the night- or rather covered by the different colored lights of the speeder-traffic.

Obi-Wan parked the speeder a block or two away as you continued to walk to the bar. Both of you putting the hoods of your robes up, you may not have been actually famous but you were both known around those who weren’t fond of Jedi. And unforutnately for you, that was almost a custom in the lower levels.

“Stay sharp, we don’t know if Bane has arrived yet but if he is, we can’t let him escape again.” Obi-Wan tells you as you approach the entrance.

“Hey, you know me, I’m observant.” You say smiling as you push through the door.

“Very.” He mumbles sarcastically rolling his eyes. You were observant, yes, but he also knew how easily distracted you’d get. But he wouldn’t admit to himself that the real reason he was sarcastic was because you somehow hadn’t noticed how his feelings for you were different from any other Jedi. Or friend. Or anyone for that matter. He forced the thought away as he walked in after you and saw you sit down at the bar. You had both agreed to split up, but to remain in sight. Since Bane would definetly recognize the both of you. He sat down a few chairs away from you as he glanced around the place. No sign of Bane. Yet. But there were many beings already. From all kinds of places in the galaxy, he presumed. Not knowing how long this night will be, Obi-Wan decided to order a drink.

You keep your hood over your head. You hated bars. They were crowded, loud and smelled awful. And too many different types of people were here, often with bad intentions. And the zabrak next to you was very clearly drunk as he swayed in his seat a little mumbling to himself. You couldn’t quite make out his words. But you also hadn’t noticed Cad Bane yet. He should be easy to spot if he was here. That damn blue alien, you think to yourself. You glance at Obi a few seats away from yours. The bar was curved which made it easy to glance to your right without obviously eyeing someone. But you shake your head when you watch a bartender give Obi-Wan a drink. Really? Already? Ofcours he would order himself a drink when we’ve been here for a minute. It wasn’t like he was alcoholic or anything, but the man did enjoy a drink every now and then. In your opinion, his choices of beverages were awful. He always enjoyed the strong stuff, like Avedame for example, though you shouldn’t be that surprised about that. The man drank black caff as if that’s how it’s supposed to be served. It worried you sometimes. Was it because of everything he’s gone through? Or was it just his terrible taste? Maybe both. You didn’t know. After a few minutes though you do order yourself a drink, Alderaanian ale. Mainly because it would’ve attracted too much attention if you didn’t. But you weren’t that opposed to one anyway.

After a while there was still no sign of Bane. And you grew incredibly bored. So bored you had ordered 3 drinks already, one of the 3 being Cortyg Brandy. After the first sip you decided you hated the taste of it and sticked to the Alderaanian stuff instead.

The bar had gotten more crowded, and you started to feel slightly hot after your second drink, so you pulled your hood down. You had noticed some dirty looks towards you, but managed to ignore them, you weren’t interested. Not that that mattered- you were on a mission. You did however have to tell some sleemo to piss off when he sat down next to you and placed a hand on your arm, and luckily he seemed drunk enough to oblige. Turning the glass on the counter of the bar trying to pass time, you glanced at Obi-Wan again. You weren’t sure how much drinks Obi-Wan had ordered. It was more than two. But you had lost count. Not that you were paying attention to him though, you had just noticed the bartender giving him his drinks. Is what you told yourself. No other reason. Though your glances became more frequent from the moment he had removed his own hood earlier. He was one of the nicer things to look at in this bar after all, you think as you take another sip of your drink and gaze at him. That moment you notice Obi-Wan looking directly at you. And you cringe at the thought of him knowing what you just thought of and look down at your practically empty drink. You’re a Jedi you can’t think about Obi-Wan like that. You know that. And have known that for a long time. Over the years your feelings for Obi-Wan hadn’t disappeared like you hoped they would. No. They only became stronger, more intens. Sometimes you wonder how you managed to even get knighted at all.

There was still no sign of that blast bounty hunter. Obi-Wan was starting to wonder if the information was even real as he tried to reach out to the Force and try to locate his presence. He didn’t. He did however, among all these different beings, with agendas he didn’t even want to know about, feel you. Your warmth. Your light and uplifting Force signature. Though it was a little off because of the drinks you’d had. Less obvious, but still impactful. Your tolerance was quite high, he knew that. But not as high as his. He supposed he’d build himself quite a tolerance for it over the years. Obi-Wan had spoken a few words with others, who looked approachable enough. But mainly open enough to give any information about Cad Bane if they had it. But he had no luck yet. And neither did you, he thinks as he watches you fumble with your 4th drink. He noticed you glancing his way quite a few times, but he didn’t think much of it. You were probably just bored and wanted to argue with him about something. He debated on just walking over to you, but decided against it when he had seen numerous shady beings walking around. They couldn’t risk exposing their cover. It would be too risky. So he ordered himself another Avedame.

After a while you almost wanted to just walk out and go home. It was no use, Bane was nowhere and he was never gonna show up anyway. But when you glanced at Obi-Wan again you noticed something. And it made your stumach twist in a way you hadn’t thought it could. There was a twilek woman suddenly sitting next to Obi-Wan. He didn’t seem too bothered by it. Obiwan was always the polite type, and rather good with words. Too good. And he was smart. And he always had those too witty comebacks of his that would drive you crazy. But the twilek was talking to him with a smile that screamed ‘I know you want me’. It makes your insides twist as you tighten your fingers around your drink. Obi-Wan smiled at her as they spoke. Though you told yourself he only smile because he was polite. But then the twilek’s hand was resting on his leg, as she moves closer to him too casually. She looks from his eyes to his lips and you quickly realize you want to vomit. So you glance back to Obi-Wan. And when you thought this couldn’t get any worse you see him lean in as he says something in her ear. You want to look away because you can’t physically sit here and watch Obi-Wan flirting with this twilek. It made you feel sick. But you couldn’t tear your eyes off of them as if afraid you’d miss something if you did. And you would have. You would’ve missed the way the girl wrapped her arms around his neck and oh so casually leaned into him when he placed his hand on her back. You weren’t the jealous type. You were never jealous. But oh how you could feel the Force around you start to change into enviousness. Grabbing your drink you finish it in one go. Why is Obi-Wan smiling at her? And why didn’t he hold you like that? Why was he so easily entranced by this twilek he didn’t even know, he’s never seen before, when you’ve been right there next to him for years? You thought that he cared about you, you know he did, you just thought that maybe he’d feel just a little more for you than this. You don’t even bother trying to hide your feelings in the force. You doubt he’d notice anyway since he’s so distracted by the woman. And before you knew it, her hands moved to hold his face and she pressed her lips against his. And you watch as Obi-Wan moves his hand to cradle her face as he kisses her back. Obi-Wan is kissing her. Obi-Wan is kissing someone that isn’t you. Disgust paints your features and you’re sure you’re about to be sick. And they’re not stopping. And besides disgust, jealousy and an enormous amount of envy, you feel something else. Your heart sinks to your stumach as you clench your jaw. Because you wish he’d kiss you like that… After a moment you stop the bartender and ask for an Avedame. Because you didn’t care about the taste right now, if anything it would be a good distraction. Obi-Wan had seemed to have found one…

After a minute or two you can’t take it anymore. They’ve been making out for two minutes at least and you’ve been forced to sit here and watch as Obi-Wan kisses someone he doesn’t even know when you’ve been dreaming of him kissing you for years. You hate him for it. Sometimes you hate being a Jedi. But you knew that if you weren’t, you never would’ve been brave to tell him anyway.. you finish your fifth drink of the night and it was one too many. Avedame really tasted awful. And you regret drinking it so quickly. But you notice the two nerfherder’s are finally done making out. The twilek caresses his face for a moment and you clench your jaw again. You watch as Obi-Wan says something to her and she pulls back and walks away. Obi-Wan turns back to the bar and looks at his drink before glancing at you. The force surrounding you feels like a haze of mixed feelings. Jealously, resentment, anger, hurt, remorse, insecurity, guilt all mixed up like a bottle of Corellian whiskey. You try not to drown in it. And it takes a moment for you to look away from him. Obi-Wan noticed. And for a few moments you look around the bar again, trying to get rid of your conflicted feelings. Until your eyes return to Obi’s seat. Which is empty. Why is it empty—where did he go? Oh. He must’ve followed that twilek somewhere else so they can—

“You seem distracted..” you hear a familiar voice beside you disrupt your thoughts and see obiwan sitting down next to you. You look down at your drink feeling a pit in your stomach.

“I’m not.” You say unable to hide the resentment in your voice. “You seem to be though.” You add bitterly.

He says silent for a moment, watching you swirl around your drink. “It’s that Avedame?” He asks then, slightly surprised.

“Possibly.” You mumble as you finish the last bit in one go. And cant help but wince. “I still don’t know why you like this—“ you start as you lean against the bar and look at the empty glass.

“Well i never-“

“Not that i have any idea of what you do like.” You hear yourself say before he could finish, your words slumbering together slightly because of the alcohol in your system.

But Obi-Wan is taken aback slightly. You were upset. He knew that. But why? Was this about the twilek girl he just kissed? Why would that interest you? He stays silent for a moment trying to pick a right way to respond because he suddenly felt bad. He decides that the truth would probably be best.

“You know me better than anyone.” You hear him say after a moment. He stated it rather simply. But you scoff and rueful smile crossed your lips. “I thought that too.”

Because you thought he’d never willingly kiss someone. You were foolish enough to hope that he’d one day kiss you of all people. But you always had wild fantasies. And apparently— unfortunatly this was one of them. The realization made you feel awfully heavy, even though you’ve known that dreaming of Obi-Wan being in love with you was foolish. He was the most devoted Jedi you’ve ever met. It couldn’t happen. But emotions were a fragile thing and hard to control.

Obi-Wan felt his stumach sink when he saw that rueful smile on your face. He’d upset you. He wasn’t sure why or how but he hated it. And he wished he could just turn you around to make you look at him, hold your face in his hands and let his thumbs trace every feature of yours. The thought made him realize he wanted to kiss you. Desperatly. Like so many times before. He needed to show you how he felt- but it goes against everything he believes in. And yet it was there. That feeling was always there somewhere, hidden away in his heart. A door which could only be opened by you. It was as if you’d stolen the key from him on one of those days where you were running away from him as a padawan because you’d stolen his lightsaber. Along with the key to his heart. And he hasn’t gotten rid of the yearning to know what it’d be like to remove the lock forever. He only felt more and more conflicted every time you’d greet him in the morning with that beautiful smile of yours, your uplifting presence and those eyes which would sweep him off his feet and he could drown him if he wasn’t being careful. Stars— he must’ve been a little more affected by his earlier drinks than he thought. Or simply by you.

“We should probably go—“ he said placing a hand gently on your upper arm because he couldn’t help himself.

“Can’t- have to wait for Bane.“ You say your head feeling slightly fuzzy as you move from your chair and start walking away. Away from Obi-Wan because you were too upset. You thought he would’ve chosen you. Like you would choose him if he asked.

“Hey wait—“ he said when you started walking- or rather stumbling away through the bar and he reached for your wrist.

“Let go Obi— Wan-“ your words slurred and you were getting annoyed as you look back at him.

“Listen we have to talk.” He said placing his hand on your arm again.

“Don’t wanna- talk.” You mumble as you turn around and away from him because the last person you wanted to talk to right now was Obi-Wan.

You hear him sigh as you move through a group of people. And faintly heard him call your name multiple times. You just needed to find Cad Bane and then you’d be able to go home. And sleep. And get rid of this headache you were suddenly getting.

“Sir have you seen a really ugly blue alien?” You ask a random person and the man turns around to look at you. “With an outstandingly big hat.” You add and and see a grin spreading on his face.

“Can’t say i have. What’s his name gorgeous? Maybe I’m able to help. But I’m more curious about your name.” The man said as he stepped closer and looked down at you. If you weren’t drunk, you would’ve spotted this red flag way earlier.

But when Obi-Wan finally spotted you he saw the man wrap his arm around your waist and pull you closer. And he felt his protective instincts rise in his chest. He hurried through the last group infront of him.

“Can you not— touch me-“ you say, clearly getting annoyed by this man but he seems to enjoy it.

“Don’t worry gorgeous, I’ll make sure you won’t want to think about anything else” he said pulling you closer.

“Let her go.” Obi-Wan said with a warning tone, standing behind you.

“Oh i see you have more admirers” The man said and you realized how drunk he was by the awful smell of his breath.

“You heard her she doesn’t want you to touch her. Now let her go.” Obi-Wan said again, and he’s refraining himself from grabbing his lightsaber.

“Will you both just shut up and leave me alone?” You say annoyed, tired of this entire night while you actually have an important mission. Cad Bane. Capturing Cad Bane. That’s what this night was about. You push away from the man as much as you can, but stumble back against Obi. Who was surprised but immediatly steadied you and place a hand on your waist. Normally you would’ve felt butterflies at the action. Now you just felt more irritated.

“I don’t think she likes you, sleemo.” The man said when he noticed your irritated look. And obi’s brow furrowed.

“She’s with me. Go buy another drink.” He told him and he realized you were walking away again.

“I can handle my own problems-“ you mumble towards Obi and see the two men glaring at eachother.

“For force’sake just leave us alone, I’m not interested-“ you say, your words still slurring slightly as you try to get away from Obi-Wan. And he lets you.

“Oh I don’t think so gorgeous-“ the man said when he reached for you again. And before Obi-Wan stepped towards you, you use the Force to throw someone else’s drink towards his head and it shatters, hitting his temple. Which is now bleeding. Obi-Wan pauses in his step. You apparantly were able to handle this without stepping in.

“Kriff—“ the man whined as he looked at you.

“Not interested.” You tell him again and then walk away. Not wanting to be distracted or held up by having to deal with idiotic men.

Obi-Wan had warned the guy again to not follow and he seemed to have taken the hint when he noticed his lightsaber around his belt. Then he turns to catch up with you. But you’re walking through the entire bar it seems like. He barely managed to catch up with you almost tripping over multiple people.

“Would you please just stand still and wait—“ Obi-Wan said as he reached for your arm again.

“No I’m looking for Bane while you’re busy with many other irrelevant things-“ you say until Obi turns you around and manages to grasp your wrist.

“We’re not going to find Bane tonight, now if you would please just listen—“

“I am.” You say are you turn away again because you were determined to find him tonight and end his crimes.

Obi-Wan grew slightly annoyed with your stubborness and sighed deeply. He whirled you around again and placed both of his hands on your shoulders. Forcing you to look at him.

“Listen to me, Bane isn’t here. He’s not going to be. He managed to find out his location would be compromised to the Order by one of his newer contacts. So he isn’t here.” He told you. And you managed to digest half of the information he told you, but it was clear Bane wasn’t here. And you grow more annoyed for some reason.

“Great so all of this was for nothing.” You mumble crossing your arms.

“No it wasn’t, we now know he wouldn’t be here in the first place, otherwise we could’ve only guessed.” He replied.

You stay silent for a moment as Obi-Wan looks at you. He’s a bit worried about your state. But didn’t mention it yet.

“How do you know?” You ask him then as you look back at his eyes. Those damn eyes of his were clearer than the oceans of Kamino.

“The twilek woman told me. She’s been in contact with someone who works for Bane and knew he wouldn’t be here. But she wasn’t any more helpful.” He told you, and if you weren’t feeling so drunk you would’ve noticed the way his expression changed for a moment.

“I bet you’d beg to differ.” You say bluntly as i glare at him. And he sighs.

“It was necessary. I do not understand why you seem upset about me kissing her.” He said and you wish you could punch him for his stupidity.

“It was stupid.” You state annoyed.

“Stupid?” He questioned.

“You never kiss anyone.”

“You’ve never seen me kiss anyone.” He corrects you and you want to crash his speeder for saying that.

“Did it actually upset you?” He asked when you stayed silent for a moment, and you hate the way his voice sounded genuinely concerned.

“I don’t care who you kiss. I just want you to be careful.” You say then and look away from him. “There’s many way to get drugged.” You add. it was definitely not an excuse.

“Ofcours..” Obi-Wan replied as he still looked at you. “So there’s truly nothing else bothering you?”

You look back at him then. And you wanted to scream at him how you felt. For him to feel the way you do when you see him smiling at you, holding your hand so neither of you get lost in crowds or when you saw him kiss that twilek. But you manage to stay silent. He’s a Jedi. You are too. It could never happen. It would never happen, because he didn’t feel the same. And he never will, not after so many years.

“I hate Avedame.” You say with a straight face. Obi-Wan can’t help his soft sigh.

“You’re drunk.” He states simply.

“A little.” You admit. And he shakes his head.

“We should go. There’s no reason for us to stay here.” He said then. You stay silent for a moment.

“Fine.” You mumble softly and start walking out the bar. Trying to get rid of the thought of what would happen if you did stay here. If you made a move. If you leaned closer to him and caressed his face. If you’d just lean in and kiss him. But he didn’t feel the same. He never had. You hoped he did. That maybe one day he’d confess how he felt all these years, just like the way he had in your dreams. Sometimes you let yourself foolishly believe that they were visions. But after years of being close it led to nothing other than friendship. You are grateful for it, but you desperately wished it could be more. But even though you were sure he was the only one you were ever going to fall for, the only one to ever love as deeply as this, you knew he only saw you as his friend. It could never be more.

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caprisun89bakerstreet · 4 months ago

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Phantoms of the night

Pairing: (padawan) obi-wan kenobi x f!reader

Wordcount: 3.3k

Tags: hurt/comfort, nightmares, post phantom menace, obi-wan needs a hug, but so do you

Summary: With the recent loss of Qui Gon Jinn, Obi-wan has been struggling. But trying to keep it together as if the loss of Qui Gon didn’t impact you too is taking a toll on you. So when he seeks your comfort in the middle of the night you finally break.

Notes: one of my first fics and it’s not perfect but oh well, honestly just tired of looking at it so here it is

It’s been hard. And emotionally challenging. Sometimes you wonder how you’ve been able to keep it together without completely breaking down. When you came to his quarters after you’d heard the awful news, you tried your best not to break. Mainly for Obi-Wan's sake. Because he couldn’t stop sobbing when he broke in your arms, and your own tears followed soon after. When you were both done crying the sun was already starting to rise. But you were finally able to sleep.

The loss of Qui Gon Jinn would impact the both of you, more than either of you would realize in the long run. Qui Gon was someone you looked up to a lot. Sometimes you felt like he was your second master, simply because you were sent on so many missions with him and his padawan. That’s how you and Obi-Wan grew so close. But Qui Gon was not just a mentor, he felt like family. His steady force signature, his warm voice, his fascination with prophecies and the living force, those disapproving looks he’d always give you and Obi-Wan whenever you may or may not have ignored his direct orders…

But now he was gone. And it felt like a part of you had been ripped away from you. But there was a worse feeling than your grief for your lost friend. It was having to see Obi-Wan, his padawan, go through this. His guilt. Because Obi-Wan Kenobi was selfless and forgiving to a fault, but also knew how to beat himself up over every single mistake he made. Even when he wasn’t the one to blame. Over the past two weeks you’ve held him more times than you have in years as his defenses seemed broken and he completely shattered in your arms. Repeatedly. Which was so unlike him. And it was hard, having to see Obi go through this. But you told yourself to not break down because he needed you. He needed you more than ever. So you tried to put your own grief for Qui Gon aside, and ignore the overwhelming stinging in your chest whenever Obi-Wan’s sobs continued on long after sunset. But you were there for him. Because that was the only thing you could do.

Obi-Wan wasn’t the type to show vulnerability often. Oh no, he would rather force everything deep down to never be diggin up by anyone, not even by you. Not that he didn’t trust you, he trusted you with his life. And he had more times he can count. It’s because he didn’t want to hurt you since he knew you would worry about him immensely if he told you. And he hated that. He hated being the cause of your pain. Or anyone else’s for that matter. So Obi-Wan bottled things up. Even despite your best efforts to try to talk to him.

These past two weeks he’s felt so incredibly guilty of seeking you out after the simplest task during the day, simply because even that felt too overwhelming. Or at night when he’s been awake for hours and finally gave in and came to your quarters. Or when you came back from a day away from the temple for a mission. He felt guilty. But his overwhelming grief made him give in when you had offered him kindness and compassion. Because he needed it.

This wasn’t the Obi-Wan you knew. And it’s taking a toll on you without fully realizing it yet. But it hurt. Everything hurt. Maybe that was why you were soaked in sweat in the early hours of the morning and woke up gasping for air. Trying to calm yourself down you look around the room, and realize you woke from yet another nightmare. Dreams weren’t uncommon for you. In fact, they were very common, you were a highly skilled padawan and had a deep connection to the force. But this often led to you having visions in the form of dreams. Which made nightmares like these even worse. They were incredibly vivid. And what if they weren’t just nightmares? As you push away the covers and sit up in bed, you realize that deep down this was just because of fear. Your grief for Qui Gon, fear of losing Obi-Wan the same way, of him being so broken and overwhelmed with hurt you wouldn’t be able to heal him... And maybe you felt a little more strongly about Obi-Wan than most jedi. Or any jedi. But he couldn’t know that.

You sigh and still feel shaken by the terrors of your dream and decide to get up and walk to your refresher. Water would help. But as you drink from the cup you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and almost grimace. You looked awful. Pale and dark circles under your eyes. It’s like you hadn’t slept in days. So you turn away, unwilling to accept that the last weeks have been harder on you than you realize. But if anything, you were determined. Determined to make sure Obi-Wan would be okay and not force down every bit of grief he felt to become a scar that would forever remain unhealed.

But part of you longed for Obi-Wan’s comfort. Which was a stupid and selfish thought because he was hurting and you couldn’t just ask him for support right now. But he was your best friend. And you needed him. But not as much as he needed you, you tell yourself as you realize you’re suddenly freezing and grab your robe from a chair and wrap it around you. The familiar length of the sleeves providing some sense of comfort. You sit down next to your window as you look at the skyline of Coruscant. There were many speeders flying around in the still very much alive city at 0300. But lost in thought as you look at the familiar sight you realize how alone you feel.

You weren’t alone exactly, you’ve visited Obi-Wan every day the past few weeks (which normally isn’t irregular either) and your own master has been there for you. But you still somehow felt alone as the small but bright, twinkling lights of the coruscant traffic continued to move through your vision. Wrapping your robe tighter around your frame to provide some comfort, you lean your head against the window. You were trying so hard to be there for him. But would it be enough? What if after years he’d still feel like this? You had continued to reassure Obi-wan that this feeling wouldn’t last forever and that time heals, despite how annoying that may be, but what if it didn’t? Your vision blurred as silent tears started to spill from your eyes.

After a while you heard a soft knock on your door. You weren’t sure how long because time seemed to pass more slowly at night than during the lively and brighter hours of the day. A month ago you would’ve been alarmed by hearing knocking at this hour. But now you knew it could only be Obi-Wan. And it was, because this had happened four times before the past weeks. Or maybe it was five— you lost count. Sighing and taking a deep breath after you wiped away your dried tears with the sleeves of your robe, you stand up. Your chest felt tight still. But you try to push the thought away as you walk to the door and open it. And you’re met with obi-wan’s familiar features in front of you. Painted by grief. Which you had unfortunately gotten used to in just 2 weeks. Despite your efforts to keep it together your eyes soften when you meet his gaze. He seemed just slightly puzzled for a moment by the fact you’re wearing your robe but didn’t mention it. Yet.

“Can I come in?” He asked softly, almost timidly and not knowing what else to say. But both of you knew why he was here. He needed you. And you’d always help him. Because it was Obi. You couldn’t imagine your life without him.

So you nod and step away as he enters your quarters and you close the door behind him. Turning to him your eyes meet for a moment. You could still make out the dark circles under his eyes and his slightly too pale face. And his shoulders seemed to be slightly too tense as if he’d just endured something terrible. Or was haunted by phantoms of his failure, like he would call it. He looked tired. No, exhausted. Not just physically but mentally. That’s when you step closer to him and wrap your arms around him, when it seemed like he was already reaching for yours.

“Nightmare?” You ask softly as your head rests against his shoulder.

“The same one…” he mumbled softly and you could tell there was a deep frown on his face by his voice. He had told you about the horrifying nightmares he’s gotten since it happened. How he was always there, watching Qui Gon fight the rageful sith. Until he’d see the anguish look on his master’s face, as the sith gutted him through his chest. Or beheaded him with his gushing red lightsaber. Or choked him with the force. But he’d always die. In whatever way. And all Obi-Wan could do was stand by and watch from behind that force’saken ray shield. Your stomach twisted at the mere thought. You hug him slightly tighter after a moment. And you felt him do the same. Sighing softly, you realize that despite everything, Obi’s arms still made you feel at ease. Despite all the horrors he’s been through. And you close your eyes for a moment.

“Why were you awake?” He suddenly asks softly. Your eyes blink open again. “I wasn’t.” You tell him, and you’re not so sure why you’re lying to him. You’re just worried. “So sleeping in your robe has become custom?” He mumbled softly. Under normal circumstances his words would’ve been teasing, but there was a clear concern behind it. It made your heart ache because you knew how selfless he was, even when he’s hurting this bad he still seemed to care.

“I woke up earlier and couldn’t fall back asleep..” You reply after a moment and try not to focus on the tight feeling in my chest by focussing on his arms around you instead.

Obi-wan doesn’t respond for a moment. But instead leans his head against yours. It was a small gesture. But it sends waves of comfort through you. After a moment you realize you hold him tighter, because of the many emotions racing in your chest. And feel a shiver run through you. And he noticed.

“Are you cold?” Obi-Wan asks softly, almost slightly surprised. And you could deny it, but it’s one more way of pretending, and you’re exhausted. So you nod softly. And feel his arms wrap more securely around you. He tried to warm you up a bit by rubbing his hand up and down your back. And you felt comforted by it. By his touch, his presence, his compassion... He made you feel at ease. Despite everything going on. And after a few moments you can’t pretend anymore. And you feel tears start to spill from your eyes.

Obi-Wan noticed when he felt you start to tremble slightly, and as soon as he did he moved his head away to look down at you, but your face is buried against his shoulder. ‘’Are you alright?” He spoke softly. And that’s when your defenses crumbled. And you immediately feel guilty for crying. ‘’I’m sorry—’’ You choke out as you hug him tighter as if that would help hide the fact you’re starting to break. Obi-Wan doesn’t do or say anything for a moment, but then he tightens his arms around you in return. ‘’Obi— I’m sorry-’’ You manage to blurt out between sobs that escape you as tears wet his robe. ‘’No I am..’’ He says after a moment and then moves away from you so that he can see your face, but you just hug him tighter, afraid of letting go.

He pleads your name softly for you to look at him, his hands moving to your head to gently pull you away from his shoulder. You’re hesitant. But after a moment you give into him. Because eventually, you always do. And then your teary eyes meet his and you’re immediately filled with regret. Because he looks so incredibly sad and guilty. Normally he would’ve been better at hiding it, but not the past weeks. Obi-Wan’s hands move to gently wipe your tears away as he continued to look at you. And you lean into his hand slightly.

‘’I’m sorry..’’ He whispered. ‘’You’ve been there for me this entire time and I—’’ His words get caught in his throat. And you feel so bad for him. Tears continue to fall.

“No— don’t say that please—’’ you say between sobs and he continues to hold you. Neither of you were great at showing vulnerability, on the one hand because you were afraid of what others would see and on the other because of worrying people. Especially each other. ‘’I’m sorry.. I should’ve been there for you...’’ He spoke quietly. And you hated how remorseful he sounded. And how unfair all of this was. So after a moment you closed the gap between you and buried your face against his chest again. ‘’You always are—’’ You say, your voice slightly muffled by his robe. But Obi-Wan wraps his arms around you again and leans his chin on top of your head.

He stays like that for a while. Just like you had for him so often the past two weeks. And even though he didn’t say anything, no comforting words, lullabies or whispered reassurances, this was still enough. This was everything you needed. This was all he could give right now and that was okay. You just needed him. And he gave you exactly that. Then he shifts his head slightly.

‘’You should rest..’’ Obi-Wan says in a soft tone as if to not disturb the quiet moment. Or the way part of you already felt like drifting off into his arms. Months ago you would’ve argued, suggesting you don’t need sleep. But now everything was different. And you just nod slightly against him before opening your eyes and slowly moving away from him. Not too much though. And you realize he wasn’t moving away either as he placed his hands on your arms gently and looked down at you. Those cerulean eyes of his are somber. But somehow there’s still the tiniest bit of light in them as he looks down at you and noticed the care in them. His kindness. And in that moment you realize that it was the strongest force in the galaxy.

You both turn to bed then. And neither of you feels surprised when Obi-Wan lays down next to you and pulls the covers over you both. You’re already turned to him. And when he settles down and turns to face you, you realize you wouldn’t know where you’d be without him. Not after so many years.

You lean your forehead against his shoulder, not wanting to cross any lines. But his touch, his presence was healing in so many ways. And you close your eyes for a moment. After a moment you feel Obi-Wan’s arm wrap around you, and you don’t hesitate to move closer and lean into him. Hesitantly at first. And so was he. It’s not that you hadn’t done this before, laying next to each other, because you had, on multiple missions. It always made your heart beat too fast. But now it was different. You were searching for comfort in each other's presence, compassion and warmth. To hopefully get through the hours of the night. Peacefully. Because you’re both griefing the loss of Qui Gon.

Obi-Wan’s hand rests on your back and you sigh softly, trying to drown in the feeling of his warmth. Because you needed it. Your spark had almost burned out… His had. He lost it. And it painted you to notice it so well. He didn’t deserve all of this. It made you feel like you’d been stabbed. You nuzzle your head slightly more against his chest at the thought. Obi-Wan sighs softly and leans his head against your own.

“Obi?” You hear yourself ask softly, voice barely above a whisper. He doesn’t say anything for a moment. But let’s you know he’s heard it by gently drawing circles over your back with his thumb.

You aren’t sure what to say. There were many things you hadn’t told him. Like how you could get lost in his eyes oh so easily, how you felt your heart beating faster every time he complimented you, looked at you, touched you.. how much you loved him. But you couldn’t tell him that. But he has always been there for you. And you didn’t know how you had gotten so lucky. And why he hadn’t. Because he deserved the galaxy.

“Thank you..” you say your voice drifting off to a whisper. Obi-Wan didn’t respond for a moment. Instead he nuzzled his head against the top of your head slightly more. You felt his lips brush against your hairline when he spoke.

“You shouldn’t..” he spoke softly and regretfully as he held you.

And for some reason that made you feel even more strongly about needing to thank him.

“Shut up.” you mumble softly as you shift and move your arm to wrap around him. Ignoring whatever lines this may cross. You didn’t care right now. Because you weren’t gonna accept any more of this- of him talking badly about himself. Not with what he’s going through. “Just let me thank you...”

Obi-Wan had to suppress the urge to say something. To make you understand that you didn’t need to thank him, that you shouldn’t. Because what could you thank him for? He only brought you worry, pain and the feeling you had to take care of him. He only brought you work. Because he was a mess. And he couldn’t fix himself. And yet here you were offering him comfort yet again when you were struggling. Just as much as he was. Maybe even more, because he kept acting like such a youngling seeking your comfort, your care and your strength. And he hadn’t even noticed just how bad you had been doing, how could he be such a horrible friend? He knows you better than that- he should be better than that. But he wasn’t going to argue with you. Not now. Not when you were clearly exhausted and he had drained you enough emotionally. So he sighed softly, and closed his eyes. Because he wasn’t gonna risk letting the last bit of remaining light in his life die out.

And you would both sleep in each oher’s arms for the rest of the night. Both unaware of just how much you cared for each other. And that wouldn’t change for a while even though it conflicted you both endlessly. But for now you laid in each other’s arms. Seeking comfort in each other's presence as you both tried to escape the terrors of the night. The traffic on Coruscant would soon start to become more lively. The moons would soon disappear from the night sky and be replaced by golden rays of the sun. But through all changes in life, no matter how big or small, you had each other. And that was enough.

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