#especially with the 'hold yourself accountable by shaming yourself for having negative thoughts'

[adhbabey]

You should always be wary of people who swear off therapy and then minimize, attack and step over your own feelings and experiences, because they think they're above having therapy, or they've tried it for one day, or one week and didn't seek another professional's advice.

Because genuinely, my heart goes out to everyone whose tried therapy and it hasn't worked for them because of problems outside of their control. But for people who fight you on the fact that therapy never works, not for anyone, and that they're better off just reading psychology and theory, those are the people that you should criticize the most.

It is obvious to anyone in the disabled or neurodivergent or mentally ill community that plenty of professionals are fucking stupid or ignorant because they haven't researched enough or learned past a certain point in their lives and stopped helping their patients beyond what they took tests for. And those are the people who let down people the most when it comes to helping people. Those are the people you shouldn't trust with your time or money.

So what makes you think that reading a couple psychology books, probably the same old, traditional bullshit, that they taught to all those terrible doctors, will actually help with yours or anyone else's mental health issues. Everyone whose met an annoying psychology major knows. It's clear that trying to be intellectually superior than a literal patient in therapy, or someone actually living with the disabilities described in those books, isn't the brightest idea.

As someone whose tried and failed to DIY their own mental health journey, it is not easy nor recommended to go through this shit alone. You probably shouldn't, because its damn well easy to make your mental health worse, because it's so easy to fuck something up. Like accidentally or purposely triggering yourself, in order to get to the bottom to why you're feeling something. It's not fun.

So please, if you're having trouble finding therapy, there are community resources out there to help you deal with shit on your own, but don't go spouting stuff you don't actually understand. Don't go trusting strangers who say they have the answers to self help, and then twist around actual clinical terms to bring their point home, don't listen to those people. Don't listen to people who spitefully swear off therapy because they think they can handle it all by themselves. Just don't trust people who don't actually have a degree, and still criticize the ones that do. If some advice to you, seems off, or overblown or diminished, you should be questioning that advice. You should be getting a second opinion.

I make mental health and disabled content all the time on here because I want people to be informed, and to find community and resources to get the help that you need. But you can't pull therapy words out of your ass and expect people not to question you. Talk to the community and don't just go informing random strangers, if you don't know what you're talking about.

If you abuse your platform to misinform other ignorant people, you deserve to have your platform taken away. So treat the chance to educate people as a privilege, don't use it to spout bullshit that you don't understand. Therapy isn't a last resort, so don't listen to anyone that treats it that way.

[soapoet]

PJO pick-a-card reading

Luke Castellan; A message from above

Soapy scribbles: I opted to format this topic as generally as possible since we all hold various different beliefs. Whether this message comes from your spirit guides, angels, higher self, God, any deity, ancestor or passed loved ones, or anything beyond my comprehension, is for you alone to know based on how it resonates with you. I am just the messenger and it is no business of mine who your particular sender is.

01.

Shufflemancy: Travelling by James Spiteri

You're coming out of a period of stagnation. Either delays entirely out of your control, or the sheer lack of motivation has kept you at a stalemate unable to proceed with your plans. You have found comfort in distractions aplenty. A seemingly never-ending cycle of avoiding the next step because it appears so very daunting, then being overcome with guilt and shame, which you again run from, chasing anything and everything which would put these feelings at bay. Now the first step looks less frightening, and you may feel more motivated to journey onwards.

Growing pains may feature, but you are able to handle them well. You may feel inclined to keep secrets, especially regarding your endeavours. This will prove beneficial as it reduces pressure, you now have nobody to hold yourself accountable but you, and you avoid the urge to run away should anybody dare inquire about your progress. Push yourself forward, as unnerving as it may be. You will quickly notice how light you are on your feet and the distance you can go when harnessing the dopamine from simply overcoming this fear.

Do not be too hard on yourself or expect to run a marathon. A little progress is better than none, but do not use busy work as yet another distraction. You have great gifts and plenty to share with the world, and you are destined to inspire others with your achievements and your accolades. As much as you detest routine, try to keep even a small one. Do a little bit every day to inch yourself closer to your dreams. To avoid feelings of uncertainty and your fears of failure, set aside time to sit with yourself in silence and ask yourself why you want this, where it will lead, and why that is where you want to be and what you hope to achieve, the life you wish to lead and what legacy you wish you leave. Remind yourself of the answers to these questions whenever motivation begins to evade you on your journey.

Sometimes a writer can only muster a sentence, perhaps one they will later entirely eliminate, yet they did something. And sometimes all this writer can do is stare at the manuscript before them and give of themselves nothing. Yet they did something. They got up to look at it rather than wince across the room and refuse to rise to the occasion at all. Celebrate even your smallest victories and allow yourself a cheer when you muster even the slightest effort. Do not expect perfection of yourself and know that many before you had to go through trial and error, and learn and adapt along the way. That is perfectly okay and you do not need a doctorate straight out of the womb to be good enough.

02.

Shufflemancy: Kiss the rain by Yiruma

You must cease this pattern of giving up your energy so easily to so many who are not deserving of your time. When bad news arrive, it is fine to feel whichever way you feel, but anchoring your emotions to this negativity will suck you dry of the life force that you need to shine. You are allowed to have boundaries and you are encouraged to enforce them and guard them closely. Those who would trespass should know punishment swiftly. Do not tolerate things you do not tolerate truly. Do not quietly hope unfortunate things go away and that people notice your discomfort and stop what they're doing that is harming you.

Stand up for yourself and make your thoughts and feelings heard. It is also not your duty or responsibility to translate a simple no or a stop to people wilfully ignorant and always finding a justification for their words and actions. No is a full sentence. Anybody who fails to internalize this fact and look in the mirror to reflect and to change any behaviour that's lead them to ignore this simple command is not a headache to take as yours. You should be unapologetic in your selfcare and demand space when you need it. Set aside your fears and shoo away any prowling feelings of shame and guilt. If you would be happier alone than in bad company, seek solitude and cut off what no longer serves you.

There are lessons some learn only upon a collapse. You may pray for a change of heart and hope for the sun to shine again, but you do not need to weather storms that are not yours to experience. You're not a bad person for stepping back and saying enough is enough in a situation that only causes you distress. Those who need help must want it and ask for it. You can promise to be there when they're ready and aid in their recovery, and still express to them the grief that they have caused you. Sometimes people need to be faced with the harsh truth. The pain and the agony and sleepless nights which they have brought upon you and others and be shown they could truly lose it all lest they stop and strive to do and be better.

If somebody truly needs help and you do not have the heart to abandon them, seek assistance. You need not be alone in a quest which requires more than you alone have to give. There are many sources of help and even more solutions once more hands are there to help, and you only have two and are allowed to seek extra pairs to aid you in this task. You are commended for your resilience and your kind heart. It may break and bleed often, and you must know that things will get better. These rough waters will calm soon enough and you will find peace.

03.

Shufflemancy: Ballerina by Yehezkel Raz

You don't need to run so fast. You have all the time in the world to make the changes that you want and need. Slow down and allow yourself to breathe. You have been much too hard on yourself and allowed everything outside of you to weigh you down. Shelf some burdens that were never yours to carry and make the choice to serve yourself for a change. Be gentle with yourself and listen to your own body and soul, and act according to that which is truly in your best interest. You are your own worst enemy when you let the beasts feed upon your negative self talk and your fixations on perceived failures.

Know that you have no more need for tips and tricks and new methods to your madness. You already have everything that you need, and no tool beyond your own consciousness is required. You could paint cathedral ceilings with just your imagination, so cease your struggle and let yourself be carried by the stream. Do not waver in your convictions, and do not let doubt lead you astray. Stick to what you know in your heart to be true and cast away every inkling of worry and fear.

You need to learn to let life happen to you rather than holding the reins so tightly you vitiate the opportunity to experience the present moment altogether. The present is all we really have, so try your best to cling neither to the past or the future. We all have regrets behind us, and wishes for the future, but it is the present moment which we truly have control over and get to experience.

Let go of any unhealthy dependencies you may have allowed to take root in your garden. Whether this is a person, a habit, or a situation, if it isn't doing you any good in the long-term, do your best to weed it out so that more energy may be received by the things you do wish to grow and nurture. If you feel unqualified to tackle some of this gardening, do not hesitate to ask for help and guidance from gentle people who will understand how delicate some situations may be. You do not need to tolerate fear mongering or unnecessary pressure, time constraints or misplaced ultimatums. Be direct with what you need and the tone and feel you wish to engage in so that you do not end up feeling cornered and threatened so much that you refuse any help at all in favour of protecting yourself from harsh criticism and judgement.

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

Writing smut without cringing the whole time? How do you do it.

Writing Smut 101: Overcoming Smut Shame

CONTENT WARNING: NSFW RELATED CONTENT BELOW.

The short answer, nonnie, is: you don’t. 

That is to say, writing smut is always kind of cringe—especially if you’re new to it, or simply “not in the mood” to write. 

But rest assured, feeling embarrassed is completely natural. The trick is learning how to overcome the cringe when it does happen, instead of letting it deter you.

I’m going to break this up into a few sections: 1) Why you might be feeling this way, 2) How I, personally, combat the issue, and 3) Some more tips that might help you get the ball rolling.

1. Why You “Cringe”

It’s important to find the root cause of any form of writer’s block so you can pull the weed out instead of just trimming it back. Smut writer’s block is its own special brand, and generally, the main issue writers have when it comes to smut is stigma.

Speaking openly and honestly about sex, in Western society, is still very much a taboo.

No matter how “progressive” we like to think we are, the inherent shame surrounding pleasure-seeking experiences, and the detailing/consumption of them, has been ground into us since we learned how to understand the concept of gratification.

And I’m not just talking about sexual gratification. This applies to everyday things, as well. Eating, shopping, relaxing (or doing virtually anything in capitalist society that does not directly contribute to capitalism).

So it makes sense that you would feel any amount of embarrassment, awkwardness, or “cringe” when writing smut. It’s something our society teaches us is wrong to want. Unfortunately, that shame translates to writer’s block when we sit down in front of the computer.

A lot of this blockage might stem from not giving ourselves permission to write the thing.

We’re staring at the blank document, knowing we want to write smut, and suddenly the thoughts start streaming in: This feels wrong, is this wrong? What if someone comes in and looks over my shoulder while I’m writing? Am I describing this right? Is this too unrealistic? I have NO idea what I’m doing, and everyone is going to know it.

These are all perfectly normal thoughts, and definitely ones I still have from time to time. But they’re also probably the direct cause of why you feel so blocked. Luckily, I have some bits of advice to give you on how to unblock yourself.

2. How I Combat Smut Block

✦ First, when the intrusive thoughts occur, instead of ruminating on them, think of each one as an impermanent object. You can use any metaphor, but I like to use the imagery of leaves:

Each negative thought is a leaf floating down the river of your mind. If you focus only on the leaf, you’ll exert a lot of energy running to try and keep up with it, consequently miss everything else around you. But if you acknowledge that leaf as a temporary part of the scenery, and let is pass, you can process and appreciate the beauty of your surroundings a whole lot better.

Remember: you are separate from your thoughts. You are not defined by them. The things you think sound stupid might be incredibly exciting to someone else. 

If you can string a sentence together, you can write smut. This is all part of giving yourself permission to write the thing that makes you feel uncomfortable.

✦ Second, I’d suggest giving good thought to how you personally experience embarrassment, how you experience excitement (of the sexual variety), and how those two might sometimes commingle or feel similar.

For me, they are very comparable, like different shades of the same emotion—but there are differences which are important to note. 

If I’m making myself blush from excitement, this is a very good thing for writing smut. It means that what I’m writing feels real enough to evoke something in the reader, even if the reader, like me, knows what’s going to happen.

If I’m making myself cringe, however, it may be time to take a step back and readjust my perspective.

✦ Third, ease yourself into it! Don’t jump straight in the deep end and expect to know how to keep your head above water if you’ve never swum before.

The way I eased myself into smut was first by writing “Steam”—a category of fic I made up because the current vocabulary lacked an efficient term for fics that straddled emotional romance and explicit content. 

Essentially, steam is smut-adjacent but not explicit, and here’s a step-by-step example of how I transitioned myself smoothly from one genre to the next:

I first wrote my fics Wicked Game and You Are (both of which feature either a heavy make out session or teasing + lots of sexual tension) with this “steam” concept in mind.

I wrote the first chapter of Fine Line, which has brief but explicit descriptions of fantasies, framed by a very sexually charged scene.

I released my fic Crashing, which is probably more of a bridge between Steam and Smut, and features soft-focus fingering. Nothing in it is explicit—it focuses more on the emotions than explicit detail—but it’s very clear what is happening.

After I wrote those, I felt just confident enough to make that final stride over the threshold into smut. I wrote my fics Holy, King, and the second chapter of Fine Line all within weeks of each other.

And trust me when I say, once you get the momentum going and receive that validation from people who’ve read your work, it becomes SO much easier to sit down and start writing. 

You just have to finish that first piece.

✦ Finally (and I know I’m going to sound cliche when I say this), just like any other skill, the more you practice the more confident you will feel and the better you will get. 

So practice, practice, practice! 

If you’re nervous about posting smut for the first time, have a trusted friend/mutual Beta read it for you. It’s the online equivalent to someone holding your hand before jumping off the cliff, and works wonders for the nerves.

3. Keep The Smut Rolling

Now that you have some tools to help get you past the blockage of writing smut, here’s how to keep the inspiration flowing.

✦ Start by incorporating smutty fanfiction/erotic fiction into your regular reading rotation- 

Of course AO3 is a fantastic resource for smutty fanfiction. 

If you’re a fan of TFOTA or ACOTAR and want some of my personal fic recs, visit my fic rec masterlist.

In terms of erotic fiction, my personal favourites are anything Anais Nin (specifically Henry & June and Delta of Venus), The Thornchapel series by Sierra Simone, The Godwicks series by Tiffany Reisz, and The Original Sinners series by Tiffany Reisz.

There are also sites like Literotica and sexstories.com, which play host to explicit short fiction (not fandom based).

✦ Next, I’d recommend having a designated digital space for smutspiration- 

This can be a list of “smutty” words/phrases kept on a separate document on your computer, for those days when you just can’t think of the right way to describe something. 

Or you can create a private side-blog or Pinterest board for your favourite smutty fanart or other kinds of visual smutspiration.

✦ For that matter, try following some smutty/18+ blogs (ONLY IF YOU’RE 18+) here on Tumblr-

Many of them have a plethora of what I like to call “lemony snippets”, a.k.a. short text posts that describe (usually in conversational language) explicit scenarios. 

This is useful because it will normalise the concept of sexual fantasies in your brain, making it less weird for you when you try to come up with ones of your own to write into smut. 

Not to mention, your dash will be rife with inspiration.

✦ I would also suggest checking out 18+ ASMR on YouTube (AGAIN, ONLY IF YOU’RE 18+). 

My favourite account is Professor Cal Official, but Auralescent also has some good content. 

Headphones are highly advisable for this, as their stuff is very dangerous for work.

So, nonnie, I hope this has provided you with at least one helpful tip. Whether you took anything away from this or not, just know that the feelings of embarrassment when it comes to writing smut are entirely normal. And the best way to keep those feelings at bay is to confront them head on. 

-Em 🖤🗡

Writing Advice Masterlist

Writing Masterlist

2K Celebration!

[sevikellsss]

Toxicity in fandom.

DISCLAIMER: This is a personal post but feel free to reblog. I WILL NOT HESITATE TO BLOCK THOSE COMMENTING ON THIS POST WITH HOSTILITY. IF YOU HAVE FEEDBACK COME CORRECT

I have honestly had it up to HEREEEEEE!

I’m absolutely through with the rampant harassment, accusations and bullying I see online these days. I thought leaving fandom twitter was a solution to this, and that I would finally stop seeing people be harassed, shamed, and called horrible names for things that shouldn’t be as big of an issue as people make them out to be, but in actual fact, I’ve come to realise that being on tumblr, TikTok and Instagram is just the same.

I’ve noticed people actively talk and seek out things that make them uncomfortable, and instead of curating their own online experience and talking to close mutuals about it or dm’ing the person they have an issue with in a calm manner, they make call out posts, harass others, let other people harass them, tell everyone to block them. And I am SICK. OF. IT!

This has become a normal thing on socials and it’s absolutely not normal.

It’s quite frankly, incredibly disturbing that it’s become so common and people actually get praised for “holding people accountable” or “calling it out” which really means punishment and condemnation. Personal arguments or criticisms (even valid ones) shouldn’t be done with an audience. I understand that some things do need to be condemned, but publicly shaming and letting everyone know what they did is so psychologically damaging and it only makes things worse.

Some things, if it truly puts people in danger, do need to be posted about, especially in regards to security, hate crimes (although there tends to be exaggeration with this sometimes), grooming and lying about yourself online. But in most cases, it’s about people’s feelings and not about whether it could really harm people. Feelings are important, and if something has made you uncomfortable and has upset you, that’s valid, and you can express it. But the way to do it is NOT by hurting someone else.

Something that’s been annoying me in the atla/tlok fandom is how so many people generalise people to make them the scapegoat for the toxicity, especially when someone has done something in regards to race. I’ve noticed the constant influx of “white/cis people are the reason why POC(or even people in general) are leaving the fandom”. And to me, these posts do NOT solve the issue. They actually alienate and make ALL people of that community feel guilty for things they cannot change.

No one should feel guilty or wrong for just existing. That’s the point of solving the worlds ills isn’t it? That people feel and are treated as if they matter.

As a black person, I get the criticisms of some racism that goes on in this fandom in particular. Some of them are valid, however, some of them aren’t and are honestly just used to start shit. I’ve noticed that a lot of the time it’s the latter, and not actual cases of racism.

I agree that sometimes, there are white people that speak over POC in the fandom, and it is frustrating, especially when what’s being spoken about isn’t offensive. I also agree that sometimes, the claims of racist behaviour do need to be spoken about. But they need to be spoken about in the right way. Not in witch hunts and callouts.

If we are going to hold people to account, we need to hold ourselves to account as well. Self accountability is key.

If you have a criticism of what someone is doing you talk to them as if they have freaking feelings. You don’t chastise them and say “this is racist take this down or else” or “this is so unacceptable you are a horrible person”. Firstly, the first thing is a threat. Saying “or else” means you’ll do something if they don’t do what you want. And secondly, the second thing is a massive attack on someone’s character. Whether you think they are bad or not, you don’t respond to negativity with more negativity.

You also don’t resort to gate keeping either by saying “white people shouldn’t write fanfic for something that isn’t about them” or “you can’t draw this”. All of the things mentioned are things I’ve seen people say. That IS NOT the way to go about this. Also, just because something has minorities in it doesn’t mean that those who aren’t minorities can’t enjoy that thing, or that they can’t relate to characters. There’s more to these characters than their race and ethnicity (although representation is important).

Another thing that’s been really frustrating in fandoms in general is the way people react to the smallest things in fandoms. Especially within the resident evil fan base. Bekka Prewitt, the voice actress for Bela Dimitrescu was harassed for days on end because she missed a comment on a livestream saying “say gay rights”. They used that to say she’s homophobic.

In addition to this, there’s been a sudden backlash on a cosplayer, because she said she headcanons Lady Dimitrescu as straight. People piled onto her and said she was erasing her queerness, despite the fact that there was no confirmation of Lady Dimitrescu’s sexuality. I know people have said that because Maggie headcanons her as LGBT, that’s confirmation, but I just don’t see it that way.

To me, something is only canonised by the creators, so that would mean CAPCOM and the team. If there isn’t an official statement or a character profile by CAPCOM saying that she’s LGBT, in my books, people’s imaginations can go where they want with these characters.

It’s as if people are gatekeeping how others view characters now because they want representation so much. I love Lady D, and I personally HC her as a lesbian, but if someone doesn’t think that way I don’t feel hurt by that because I recognise that not everyone sees characters the same ways I do. And im saying this as a member of the LGBT community.

What annoyed me the most, is that when the cosplayer put out a statement apologising, people accused her of gaslighting because she said she wasn’t trying to hurt anybody and because she cried.

In fandoms, the usage of buzzwords like “gaslighting”, “manipulation”, “toxic”, “fascist” etc, are constantly weaponised by people doing the exact thing that they are accusing the other person of. One of the things I’ve noticed is that people who make these accusatory statements are THE most manipulative and toxic people, and THEY gaslight others without even realising it. This is the type of impulsivity and lapse in judgment that is ruining fandoms.

It’s as if people have turned fandom into activism.

For me, and probably many others, fandom is supposed to be an escapism from the horrors, the ills and the constant displays activism in the world. While activism is a good thing when done right, it shouldn’t be constantly displayed through something that’s supposed to help us forget. I get that in fandoms, especially in tv shows and movies created these days, it discusses important themes relevant to what’s going on in the world and in the fictional world explored.

But just because that’s the case, does not mean that projecting every current issue onto people’s opinions in fandom is a healthy way of dealing with that. It’s got to the point where people are full blown drown off of platforms and doxed because they don’t have the same ship, or the same opinions about well received characters, or about the themes in general because they’ve attached current issues onto these things too much.

What’s sad is that because of all of the things I’ve stated, whenever there is an issue that should be talked about posted by anyone, either mutuals or activism pages, I either roll my eyes or I literally feel nothing, because in my experience it’s all been performative and it’s only popular human rights issues that are being talked about. I want to care again. But, because of everything I’ve observed and gone through it’s hard for me now.

I didn’t come into fandom to be afraid of losing my livelihood, my sanity, and even friends that I have grown to love. All of these things I have observed haven’t made me feel safe. It’s made me stop trusting people, it’s made me more cautious, it’s even made me less tolerant somewhat.

I don’t want anyone else in fandom feeling this way, I think we need to do better in approaching issues in fandoms, and we need to recognise when there’s no issue at all, so people can enjoy content however they wish.

[plutoswrath]

The blessing in evil: harsh aspects

I decided to make this post, since I get a lot of messages of people being frustrated in some way or another with their challenging aspects. Astrology is neutral at its core and will forever consist of the positive and the genative, both live together in unison and always will. I think it goes without saying, that difficult aspects have (of course) their positive sides to them, and can be just as much of a blessing as naturally positive aspects: but how to deal with them and how to look at the challenge harsh aspects provide?

I decided to list the aspects I get asked about the most, as well as a few of my own selection that I’ve have seen people in real life struggle with a lot. Keep in mind, that the specific interpretation of the aspects can differ depending on the planets, signs and houses involved. This is a general post about them, but I’ll try to go as much as in depth as possible. Some of those aspects listed are still debatable in their interpretation, it seems to me.

The Opposition

This aspect has an orb allowance from approximately 10°, it is formed by two planets that are seperated by ca. 180°. The Opposition is self explaining, somehow. It’s the other side of the coin, two siblings starring at each other, so similar, yet unbelievably different and none tries to give in to the other. The cold sholder they think another rightfully deserves. Imagine it as two quirling siblings, that stand in front of their parent (you), explaining and justifying why they are in the right. You on the other hand have to find a middle ground and make your children understand that both of them are right and both of them are wrong. While every aspect is somehow in a way about balance and power dynamics as well as structures, this one is especially about balance and a dynamic balance only. Oppositions force you into extremes easily. One time you handle exactly like one energy, neglecting the other, then you go after the other energy, leaving the first energy out in order to satisfy both needs. This can ultimately lead to stagnation, being irritated to the point that you can go after any energy, identifying with both and yet with none. Key message behind the Opposition: Balance is dynamic, an never ending ungoing process, a status we have to create and that won’t last forever, once we realized our problem or thought about a solution. Both energies are right and need each other in order to find harmony, they ultimately have been born somehow on common ground, it’s a beautiful symbiosis, that lets you unravel and discover lifes lesson of regenerating the self, self healing and how to connect two dots to create the full picture (imagine it like coloring by numbers!). The Opposition is often about getting to know what one wants and needs, it’s undeniably equally important for one to figure it out in order to fully focus on ones destiny or at least to fully visualize all the opportunities and chances in ones life path. More than often, the Opposition takes time to figure out even when the answer seems to be clear and obvious - don’t pressure yourself, take your time and be kind.

The Square

The Square is an aspect that is created by a difference of 90° with an orb allowance of 7.5 degrees. The Square is different compared to the Opposition, here the energies seem to not even bloom from the same family or at least have little similarities. Now, the square is usually two different ideologies clashing, they create a melting pot of frustration and even agression, where the Square sits the native will find themself unconsciously falling back into difficult behavior, thoughts and situations. The square is about questioning what energy is rightfully here, demanding to be pleased and lived out and which is wrong. Of course, none of them is wrong, but really, the native might ask themself: how can they ever work together? Extreme neglect and totalities might be a consequence, wanting the problem to ‘vanish’ already, pleading for growth. It’s really about appreciating the total differences and using them for the best. The individual might feel like they can’t fully chose one ‘option’, but this constant ‘figuring out’ how to channel their energies and when to rely to them, as well as to accept them as strong and reliable forces, keeps the individual active and on the go. They are forced to be quick and clever in a way, to explore people and the self, to assert the self and to overcome an inner blockage. This blockage makes you either disarm yourself - unable to move on and to let yourself be washed away by the rough and wild sea - or you become the boat that wisely reads the sky and water and moves forward without sinking and so is able to see the wild unknown places that the world has to offer. Key message behind the Square: Master of the forces that seem to hold you in a tight grip, seeing the benefit in even the worst and constantly developing the self and setting an example as the master of self understanding and development.

The Inconjunction or Quincunx

The Inconjunction is an aspect of 150° and has an orb allowance of 2 degrees. This aspect feels unable to ‘balance out’ or to find common grounds, since modality and element are both not compatible. More often the Inconjunction can lead to acceptance. We don’t need to force desires and wishes together only for the sake of apparent constant harmony. Both these energies have their own area, both need to live their energies out and have the right to do so. In a negative way, an individual might develop an unhealthy behaviorism in order to satisfy both needs. When being true and honest with the self, the native will think about neutral/benefitting/healthy ways of secluding both areas of the planets energies and needs in their life. Key message behind the Inconjunction: Acceptance first, be honest with yourself and let go of the constant need to create a harmony that can not be reached. Be greatful for the differences and allow yourself find ways to enjoy both with a good will, heart and gratitude. Adjustment will come naturally then.

The Semi-Square

It is an aspect of 45° with an orb allowance of ca. 2 degrees. The Semi-Square is a harsh aspect that manifests as an emotional/inner blockage and inner pain that will manifest subconsciously as outer problems that reoccur, similar in its outcomes and how they happen. The Semi-Square can easily lead to losing the self, losing faith in the self or self-pity but whilst the native struggles with inner blockage and adjusting, the external events will put them in the position to actively take action: one can not not ignore the problem inside the self when it’s presented right in front of them, however if you choose to keep on hanging on to your frustration and desires, if you keep on pushing it aside, wanting to deal with it later or purely neglecting lifes offers for growth one might find themself left behind at times. Another problem might be a lack of discipline, holding on to old, bad behavior or attitude. Key message behind the Semi-Square: Don’t ignore your inner pain, even if it seems small at first. Be open and observant and willing to deal with problems. It’s normal that adjustment will take time, don’t decide where’s the limit when it comes to growth. Be open and content about changes to expand your mind, challenges by life that test you. Be persitant.

The Sesquiquadrate

The aspect in a degree of 135 with an orb allowance of 2-3. This is about holding the self accountable for our actions and problems,  to not ignore them. It’s about inner control and to accept aid. The energies of the Sesquiquadrate are subtle, sometimes not noticed by the native. Usually it’s when we want to break free of negativity/a problem but know for a better that we are bound to something holding us back, hence losing our courage. It offers creativity, since this aspect is usually easier mastered by strong positive aspects in the natal chart, that strengthen your decisions and actions. If this challenging aspect is noticed, the feelings of being unable to do anything leads easily to ignoring the problem. Now, this is the point, that’ll potentially make it bigger emotional baggage than it has been before. There is a desire to act and it involves the self, to combine to sides inside of you, to stimulate two sides that have strong expectations. To break boundaries by combining them. Key message behind the Sesquiquadrate: Reflect on the self and acknowledge your flaws and problems. Be active about them, don’t pile emotional baggage up. Be open for guidance and be open to think constructively. Seek out outer guidance/help/opinions, it’s not a shame, at best they will only heighten your intuiton. Embrace oppositions.

[meetmeatthecoda]

Okay so, I wanted to offer my two cents on that ask about Liz’s reaction in Luther Braxton: Conclusion. This is NOT meant as an attack on anyone—I find it 100% valid that the OG nonny (and anyone who related to them, including you dear Coda 💖💖💖) feels the way they do; they can’t control how they reacted to Liz any more than I can control how I reacted to that ask. Plus like, this is all fiction so no harm done? I purely wish to share my perspective, not ~present a counterargument~ or anything like that. :) Apologies in advance for how long this got. 😅😅😅

I get why you would react negatively to Liz’s screaming at Red, but I feel like?? That incident of all the times she’s treated him unjustly was (one of?) the most reasonable. Now, how she continues to act afterwards (regarding the Fulcrum but also, like, for the rest of the show welp) is 100% a continued bad decision in so many ways on her part and reflects terribly on her character, but her reaction in the immediate aftermath?? IDK, I feel the need to kind of defend her, probably because I absoluuuutely saw myself in her when she did that. I’ve (I shamefully admit) yelled, shoved, and even kicked at loved ones when they just wanted to comfort me but their attempts made me feel cornered and small. I’ve made logically unbased and ethically/emotionally unfair accusations against people who’ve done nothing but try to help me when I just needed something to get them away (literally or otherwise). When I just needed to attack something—take out my frustrations and confusion and fear and anger on someone. (And if Liz was like that, she might have latched onto Red as her target because he was the closest thing—physically, emotionally, and even in relation to the cause of that confusion and anger itself.) I have inflicted real harm on people while in an unsettling or unfamiliar mental state—harm that I couldn’t take back even when I could look back with a clear(er) mind and realize I never should have said/done any of that.

(Also, side note: when I first watched that ep and I saw Liz screaming at Red not to touch her?? I’d actually thought they were depicting her as being touch-averse due to the trauma and/or overstimulation, and I was?!! Like, call me badly coping but I appreciate seeing characters not being comfortable or straight-up being aggressive about being touched, even for just a moment, because that is me 24/7. Then of course a few more seconds and it turns out it’s not actually that?? Liz is just repulsed by Red’s Bad Guyness again apparently?? Whenever I rewatch the ep I still choose to see it as overstimulation though because, well… my heart is clearly very talented at choosing comfort characters for me. 🥲🥲🥲)

So speaking from personal experience, coming out of a trauma (or revisiting an unresolved one) is so stressful that it’s only natural to react explosively—even to the extent of unfairness and unreasonableness—in an attempt to protect or heal yourself, whether that attempt be justified or not. And honestly, I could even make the argument that for Liz, her attempt was to some extent justified. Of course Red would never hurt her, but sometimes a person needs breathing space. Like, literally needs. Maybe for the sake of her mental stability/health, Liz should have had her first moments coming up from her trance to herself. Does that make sense?? IDK if I made any sense there; I just know that while I never could have gotten to the place I’m at now without the EVENTUAL professional and personal support I’ve been blessed with, I also can’t fathom how much more mental anguish I would have experienced if I’d had people who knew me (or like, the “closest person” in Liz’s case) see me in the immediate aftermath of my trauma. Just… The state I was in? Yikes, am I glad only I saw myself pull myself together; I’d have had so much more to worry about with others seeing me like that. That might just be me and totally inapplicable to Liz of course, so I digress!

I’m not saying Liz isn’t responsible for her words/actions simply because they happened while she was in utter emotional upheaval and under mental and physical duress—Red definitely did NOT deserve that treatment from her. He did NOTHING WRONG. But with that kind of complex angst comes the inevitably mixed but nonetheless potent reactions of fans, I completely understand that. Everyone has different experiences and thus different viewpoints, and that’s fine and totally healthy in my book. Still, something about that discussion struck a chord with me—you can (and should) hold someone accountable for the harm they do while mentally unstable, but it’s possible and also healthy to do that without, yourself, harboring anger or resentment against them, you know? I had to teach myself (and those around me) that, so I guess I just wanted to put it out there. Again, I don’t mean to start anything and I’m so, so sorry if I inadvertently have. I hope it’s okay that I came here to explain my thoughts (and so wordily too, ack I’m sorry), and if not, I won’t anymore. Thank you for hearing me out this time though, I really appreciate it. :)

Dear anon!! 🤗🥰❤️ Firstly, I want to thank you for your kindness & respect for other's opinions!! This ask was worded in the sweetest, most considerate way & I appreciate it very much!! There's absolutely no need to apologize for having your own opinion & perspective, especially when you share & explain it so nicely, so never fear!! 😊❤️ Moving on to the meat of your ask - which is in regards to this previous one - you make such a good point!! When you look at it that way, the Luther Braxton Post-Memory-Unearthing Screaming Explosion is perhaps Liz's most justifiable negative reaction in the series LOL I guess looking back from where we are now - knowing all about & being completely fed up with all of Liz's awful writing & characterization in the subsequent seasons - it's easy to dismiss her reaction in Luther Braxton as something unreasonable & irritating & unfair to Red (which, to some extent - as you graciously allow - it is). But - as you generously point out - while that's a valid way of looking at it, it's also definitely worth examining from another point of view!! And I think your point of view (in everything ofc, but particularly in this) is so valuable!! I can relate at least on some level... I have definitely snapped at people, even those trying to help me, verbally & otherwise, when I lost my temper & just needed some space!! In fact, I think that's a pretty universal stress reaction & it's not necessarily something to be super ashamed of (but definitely something to be aware of & work on - a good reminder for us all!!) & it's definitely not a stretch to imagine Liz was going through something similar after being effectively water-boarded & having her memories so unceremoniously rifled through!! And, after all, Liz has one thing we generally don't... a perfect, convenient, willing catalyst for all the negative things in her life: Red (however undeserving of that title he may be.)

(And re: sidenote of touch-averse!Liz - Omg, I definitely thought about that being their angle at first too!! While I don't usually default to reacting that way myself [kind of the opposite for me usually LOL] I know that plenty of people do & it's 1000% valid as a coping mechanism & honestly??? A touch-averse Liz would be one of the more realistic reactions she's ever had 😂😭 especially considering the circumstances!! And hey, no shame about gravitating towards that interpretation bc it's 1) less painful for you & 2) you like comfort characters bc you 👏 do 👏 you 👏 but also?? I can't say anything bc the reason that I like that interpretation??? I love the angst of an overwhelmed & touch-averse!Liz unintentionally shattering Red's heart by completely rejecting his well-meaning physical comfort anddddd I'm not sure what that says about me tbh 😂😂😂)

Long story short, anon, you made perfect sense here, not to worry!! You were so respectful & cognizant of others' feelings, thank you so much for that, it doesn't go unnoticed!! You bring such a good point to the discussion with your perspective & outlook & I'm so thankful you chose to contribute!! I loved reading your thoughts & don't worry at all about the length, I appreciate your thoroughness!! (Plus, we all know I'm hardly one to talk, I never use one word when twenty will do 😂) Please don't hesitate to come back to my inbox any time to discuss whatever you like, I always love a little bit of friendly TBL conversation, especially since the show as we know it is so abruptly & unexpectedly over 😭 Yes, still grappling with that, in case you were wondering 🥲 Anyway, thank you again for your lovely ask, anon, I appreciate you greatly, & much, much love to you, of course, my friend!! ❤️

[mysticmoon02]

10 NON-DIET NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS:

1. WORK ON SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

Learn the language that feels good for you in managing diet talk from family members or friends. This takes time and practice, but you have no obligation to engage in diet talk, especially when working on moving away from it. In these instances, it can be helpful to simply change the subject or leave the table and take a break. You can try a few things out as responses when someone close to you brings up dieting or “good versus bad” foods, such as:

• “I’m actually working on accepting my body as it is. Could we talk about something else?”

• “All foods have value even if they aren’t as nutritional. I’m gonna grab another cookie, want one?”

• “I’d rather connect on something besides shaming my body. How is your family?”

2. FIND A JOYFUL WAY OF MOVING YOUR BODY (OR TAKE AN INTENTIONAL BREAK FROM ORGANIZED EXERCISE).

If exercise feels like a necessary evil in your life and you find yourself feeling obligated to get to the gym and guilty when you miss a workout, you may not have a joyful relationship to movement. In some cases, taking intentional time off from planned movement can be very beneficial in healing your relationship to exercise. Perhaps this year you give yourself a contained amount of time to rest and recharge without the “shoulds” of moving your body in an organized way.

Later, you can experiment and try on different forms of movement. It helps to think of things you enjoyed as a child and repurposing them into activities as an adult. If you used to be a dancer, try a swing dancing or Zumba class. If you enjoyed roller blading, perhaps join a roller derby team. If you loved sports and competition, find a league in your town and meet some people while doing so! Think outside of the box and experiment until you find something that fits.

3. CHALLENGE YOURSELF TO FEAR FOODS AND GET CURIOUS ABOUT WHICH FOODS REALLY SATISFY YOU.

One of the most liberating (and fun) aspects of learning to eat intuitively is allowing yourself space and grace to discover which foods make you feel nourished and satisfied. Perhaps this year you set an intention to eat one new “off-limits” food per week or month until the process becomes more comfortable.

4. Focus on the people in your life who support you and make you feel whole.

When you’re constantly focused on dieting and exercising, close interpersonal relationships can fall by the wayside. Freeing yourself from diet culture allows you the brain space and energy to put towards relationships that truly matter to you. Reach out to old friends, have the conversations that matter, tell your family members how you feel about them. Work to cultivate relationships that feel nourishing and empowering, whatever that may look like for you.

5. CREATE A SELF-CARE TOOL BOX AND CULTIVATE A SENSE OF SECURITY IN YOUR NON-DIET SPACE.

Inevitably, things will come up that feel difficult and uncontrollable; resolve to care for yourself without condition and take stock of what helps you to care for yourself and destress. Sometimes self-care looks mundane such as cleaning your space, washing your hair, cooking a nice dinner, or calling a friend. It can also be more geared towards “Millennial self care” including bubble baths, face masks, journaling, meditating, and adult coloring books. Your needs are constantly shifting and the way in which you care for yourself one day won’t be the same as the next, but having enough tools to have a self-care arsenal can be incredibly helpful.

6. FOLLOW PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA WHO EMPOWER AND INSPIRE YOU. UNFOLLOW EVERY ACCOUNT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LESS THAN.

Social media has the power to build communities, uplift people, and start movements, yet so many of us continue to follow people we don’t feel aligned with. Clean up your feed by unfollowing those diety fitness accounts that make you feel less than and reimagine your feed by diversifying it. Follow people from different backgrounds and with different perspectives than your own. Support people of color, Indigenous peoples, those in larger bodies, those who are disabled, queer, trans, and everything in between. It can make a world of difference when you find yourself mindlessly scrolling at the end of the day.

7. TRY NEW HOBBIES UNRELATED TO DIET OR EXERCISE: EMBROIDERY, DANCING, PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT, WRITING, PAINTING, ETC.

There can be a grieving period when you finally turn away from diet culture and perhaps realize that the gym, fitness, and nutrition were never true passions of yours, but shrinking your body was. It can be beneficial to play around and fill that void with new hobbies and activities that have nothing to do with food or exercise. This year, do the thing you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t yet whether that be starting a blog, learning piano, joining a club, volunteering, painting, etc.

8. LIMIT YOUR SCREEN TIME AND LIVE MORE PRESENT.

We are the most connected we have ever been, yet it’s easy to feel disconnected in our tech-driven world. This year, resolve to be more present for your life and reduce your screen time. Take stock of your screen time and question whether that time could be better spent elsewhere. I’ve found it helpful to put my phone on airplane mode for the first hour that I wake up and an hour before I go to sleep and when I’m out with friends, I try to leave my phone at home.

9. GET MORE SLEEP

The power of good quality sleep is greatly underestimated and so many of us don’t get enough of it. Perhaps this year you focus on creating a healthy, consistent sleep schedule and improving your sleep hygiene. This will allow you to show up better in every aspect of life and is worth striving for.

10. DITCH THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK AROUND YOUR BODY

Body love is not attainable for so many of us and that’s okay–in the New Year, maybe you seek to make peace with your body. When negative thoughts come up, notice them, thank them, but then choose to dismiss them. It’s important to get curious about the thoughts and beliefs we hold true in order to shift them.

[pariendae-a]

@belovedstars​ sent  might we have hook’s Thoughts and Opinions on his children 🎤 

     oh boy, what a question. and it’s the kind of question that has been causing me grief since i set up this blog. hook, in general, has a very negative opinion on children. he simply doesn’t like them. especially boys, after all his trouble with boys, it’s easy to see why. on the other hand, as a pirate it’s easy to be superstitious when it comes to girls too. women aren’t meant to be brought on board a pirate ship. so while, in theory, he prefers his daughters over his son he’s also of the opinion that their place isn’t on the ship but on the shore. 

     this leads to some interesting problems. because harry has been nothing but a thorn in his side. he had been genuinely excited once at the prospect of having someone to train and raise in his image, raise to be a captain etcetera etcetera. 

     except, point one, he hates male children. and point two, harry is hardly the ideal. for hook there are a few important aspects he’d want in his children. a quick wit, a classical education, a propensity for the family trade, obedience and good form. and harry doesn’t seem to have any concept of the latter two (and depending on headcanons, often not the education aspect either, though i would say hook is the kind of person to push his children to learning, as someone who attended one of the most prestigious colleges in england). 

        despite hook’s anger issues and his inclination towards violence he does like to focus on having good form, he’s a classic gentleman and he holds himself as such and he holds his children to the same standards. harry’s lack of good form and unwillingness to listen to hook in all things makes him an unsuitable heir. add to that his relationship with uma and you have a recipe for hook in a bad mood. harry chooses to follow around someone smaller than him, someone who, by all accounts, is significantly weaker. but the kicker is that harry is choosing to follow anyone around at all. sidekicks are useless is a lesson he has long since drummed into his children. you can’t count on anyone but yourself. and then harry goes and contents himself with being first mate on a ship run by a woman who isn’t even of a pirate lineage and it’s pretty much an affront. 

          adding to this the canon of harry having been working for hook in his shop and stealing from the register, hook has essentially disowned harry. he doesn’t care for him, probably never will. to add insult to injury harry looks like hook himself, his eyes and hair a constant reminder of a youthful james hook. and he carries his father’s anger issues with him too. harry reminds hook far too much of himself to be comfortable with. and it’s all the bad bits, with none of the good. if hook sees himself as having any redeemable features, he can find none of them in harry. 

           on the opposite end of the spectrum, harriet is perfect at pretty much all of the things he wants in a child. she’s strong willed, self sufficient, a born leader. she seems to understand the concept of good form and- at least while she’s young- of behaving in hook’s presence. on top of this, she’s spent her entire life doing him the fantastic service of keeping his other children out of his line of sight unless he wants to see them. 

          harriet would be the perfect heir, if not for the one small issue of having been born a girl. and as previously mentioned, sailors and pirates have an antiquated view of women even stepping on board a ship, never mind captaining one. so harriet is somewhat relegated even in hook’s mind to the role of ‘primary caregiver’ and not much else. he sees her talent for leading, for swordsmanship, for piracy and there is some part of him that is proud of what she’s accomplished because it’s what he’d want for his children. for them to have their own ships and crew. for them to have a life of their own, worthy of the name of hook. 

          so while he doesn’t particularly like any of his children on a normal day, harriet is probably the favourite growing up, at least until she starts being confident enough to talk back. to throw his life back in his face. to stand up for her siblings. and while he’s still relatively pleased with the ferocity of her anger, he doesn’t want it turned on him. i wouldn’t  go so far as to say he loves her, but he does internally acknowledge that her actions can bring something other than shame to the hook name where his other two children are failing miserably. 

           calista jane, being the youngest, is something of a sore subject. he didn’t really raise her, harriet did most of that. canonically, though, he shared with her stories of his exploits and tales of adventure. and she wants that too. which would be admirable as a goal, but once again he is lumbered with a child who doesn’t fit into his idea of what a good heir should be. cj is loud, she’s confident, she deliberately causes a ruckus wherever she goes and always leaves some kind of mess in her wake. she barely seems to care for anyone or anything but herself and her wants, and though it’s clear she got that from her father there’s something about her that strikes him as being closer to his worst enemy than she is to him. 

    ��      she’s brash, mischievous, self-centred, adventurous and loves to swing around in the rigging as if she could fly. she’s a leader who won’t take no for an answer, who always places herself in charge no matter what. and when hook sees her acting like this, it’s as if the very ghost of pan has come back to haunt him. she’s the worst parts of his history following him even onto the isle of the lost- and he cannot escape her. she might outwardly want to be more like her father, but he already knows what she is, who she is. this keeps him on edge around her, more than anything. 

           hook does not hate his children, though they reflect parts of him and his past that he does not care to be reminded of. he doesn’t like them either. they are a constant reminder of his own weaknesses, his own frail humanity, and the constant passage of time outside of neverland. but they are still his children. they represent his name, his legacy- and he will do anything he can to protect that legacy. from stringing up people who hurt them to trying to bring them back in line when they’re out of it. hook will always want what’s best for himself, and in some instances that means aligning himself with his children. he remains forever trapped between wishing they had stayed at an age where they didn’t argue with him, and wishing they’d grow faster so that he no longer has to see them anymore.

       when things are good he is capable of being good. he will teach them how to play piano, he will read passages of literature, show them how to use a sword or tie a knot. he is capable of it. but when things are bad, when he looks at them and sees nothing but the demons of his past coming back to haunt him, then is capable of true anger and blinding hatred- not aimed at them, but at himself. he just cannot see the difference. this is where they experience violence by his hand (or hook) and heated words. and the longer he spends trapped on the isle, the deeper he spirals into his own head and the more his children appear like haunting demons instead of human beings he helped create and shape. the closer he gets to hating them for existing.

[aquariusrunes]

The Superfriends AU (part 10)

Damian was not having a good day. It was six in the morning, he had to be at Edna’s photoshoot in an hour, he had left a perfectly warm and very cuddly boyfriend and large dog in his bed, and his cousin was rambling far too much for his taste. He sat out in the lobby of the floor their rooms were on, leaned back as far as he possibly could in one of the red chairs, his legs crossed, hands gripping the armrests. A scowl to rival Batman's resting on his face. 

Marinette sat in the chair next to him, his laptop on the coffee table in front of them. The girl was hunched over typing frantically on his phone. She had kept it all night, which didn’t both him much, he could go a few hours without being constantly updated on the Gotham Academy Class 1A drama. As long as she was keeping it charged. 

The second half of the photoshoot the day before had been very interesting, his cousin spending every moment of every break they got on his phone. When he had a moment to check it at dinner he noted four unknown contacts, she labeled each of them.

First there was Sweetness.

Then there was Mighty Mouse.

One labeled Rock Vamp Opera.

And finally the one she had been exchanging the most texts with, Foxtrot.   

He waited for his cousin to finish whatever long text rant she was obviously on, instead he checked himself in the camera of his laptop, fixing his hair. He smoothed it back as best he could but without any product it was hard. Edna had forbidden him from gelling it till the shoot was over. The things he put up with in this family, really. 

“What exactly are we doing?” Damian asked. 

“We’re going to…” She trailed off, still focused on her texting. “Video call some girls I go to school with.” She finished. 

“At six in the morning?” He asked. 

“Time difference Dames.” She set down his phone. “Okay!” She pulled his laptop close. “They just broke for lunch so Juleka should be logging on soon enough!” Marinette pulled up a web page browser, typing in the URL for Instagram. She immediately went to Damian’s account. He wasn’t sure when his cousin had gotten his password, but knowing how much Dick loved to mess around on it, he had to assume she got it from him. 

“Okay, I’m going to change a few lines of your bio.” 

“Why?” He asked, head falling back. 

“Well, Colin takes over your instagram on weekends right?” She asked.

“When I see him, yes.” Honestly, Colin and Dick were really the only ones who posted on his instagram. It was clearly stated in his bio that Colin controlled his instagram on weekends, the fact that Dick was in control of it the rest of the time, was not mentioned anywhere.  

“So I’m going to change this line, red menace takeover weekends. To something clearly stating your relationship.” 

“He’s called my boyfriend in practically every post that features him.” Damian said, now leaning forward to see what his cousin was altering. 

“Yeah, but people are lazy, and don’t want to dig. They want things to be obvious and loud so they don’t have to put a lot of thought into it.” She grumbled. “Trust me, I know from experience, some of the people at my school literally have to be punched in the face and then kick in the nuts by the truth before they believe it.” 

“Try not to sound too bidder Nette.” Damian hummed. 

“Just, prep yourself to give a good speech about your and Colin’s relationship. We’re really going to need something that pulls right on the heart strings.” 

“Because?” He asked, this whole morning was excruciatingly annoying. 

“Are you going to use Rose?” Damian looked up, taking notice of two blonde Parisian teens standing at the entrance to the lobby. They both were still in what looked like pajamas, both holding coffee. 

“That’s the plan.” Marinette said, answering Adrien’s earlier question. 

“Devious.” Chloé cocked her hip, taking a sip from her cup. “And relatively smart. Should be quite the show. Shame we’ll miss it.” 

“Someone could always ask nicely for their friends to record it.” Marinette mused. 

“Should I text Nino?” Adrien asked, his face clearly stating how unsure he was of the situation. 

“If you want.” Marinette said, finishing her work on her cousin’s social media. “I’m going to give my crew a heads up once things are in motion. If you do text him though, let him know nothings happening till, most likely, after lunch.” 

“Marinette?” Her fingers stopped their work, her head popping up to look at Adrien. “You sure about this?” He asked. “It could be kind of...explosive.” His fingers tightened around his coffee. “What if it causes an akuma?” 

She gave him an understanding smile. “Don’t worry Adrien, I’ve got contigonsies for that. Like I said a few days ago, I’m playing a game of RISK, and you can’t win the game if you don’t capture any territory.” 

“And your about to clear the board form the looks of it.” Chloé smirked. 

“Something like that.” Marinette looked back down at the computer, switching back onto the video chat app and logining online. “But the goal isn’t to clear the board, not yet.”

… 

Contrary to popular belief nowadays, Mylène did not hate Marinette. She didn’t even necessarily dislike the girl. But she did not agree with the brash and loud way she had been going about her problems with Lila. She found them rude and distasteful, and honestly, a little out of character for her once friend. She was sure Marinette didn’t do everything Lila accused her of, at least half of the allegations had to be simple misunderstandings that the two girls could never figure out because they were always at one another's throats. 

But try as she might, she just couldn’t take Marinette’s side. Lila brought up quite a few good points in regards to Marinette’s character, while the Italian girl wasn’t a saint either, Marinette wasn’t quite the angel everyone thought she was. And some of her and Lila’s fights were truly violent and horrendous to watch. 

But she wasn’t one to speak poorly of others, especially not Marinette. While the girls weren’t friends anymore, and she didn’t agree with what was now Marinette’s additude, she still was nice to most people, even those who sided with Lila. And she did a lot for people, even when they didn’t notice her good deeds. 

Marinette had always been very eccentric ever since Mylène had known her. But this was probably one of the strangest things she had ever experienced due to Marinette. Mylène was seated on Juleka’s bed, Rose seated on the goth girl’s other side. They were staring at Juleka’s laptop, a facetime app opened. 

Last night all three had received text messages from unknown numbers claiming to be Marinette texting from a friend’s phone. Mylène was sceptical, even after getting a picture sent to her, but Rose was curious and so was her other friend, so when they said they were going to be eating lunch at Juleka’s house so they could talk with Marinette, Mylène agreed to go along with everything. 

“Okay…” Juleka typed in the screen name she had been sent the night before, AmyrWayne05. 

“What do you think she wants?” Mylène asked. “And who’s phone was she texting from?”

“I don’t know..” Rose crossed her ankles. “I didn’t recognize the boy in the photo she sent.” 

“Neither did I.” Juleka said. 

“I didn’t even know Marinette was out of the country.” Mylène whispered. 

“Kim and the others probably did.” Juleka supplied. “I doubt she wouldn’t have told them,”

“But why didn’t they tell us?” Rose asked, blinking innocently. 

“I can think of a few reasons.” Mylène’s voice was low, wondering why her boyfriend hadn’t said anything. 

“Well whatever they might be, we’re about to find out.” Juleka called attention to the screen name displayed on her laptop. The three girls watched as the smaller text underneath the name changed from offline to online. A second later Juleka was being asked to join a video call. She quickly hit except and the screen went black, loading until the familiar face of Marinette Dupain-Cheng was on the screen. 

“Girls!” She said happily. “Thank you so much for calling!” 

“You said it was important.” Rose said, eyes a little down cast. The girls didn’t exactly talk on the regular any more. 

“It is! Super important.” 

“So, what’s going on?” Mylène asked, wanting to get through the call as quickly as possible. She had felt weird all day, not telling Lila or Alya about the texts from Marinette, it was like she was cheating on them. 

“Okay,” The bluenette let out a large breath. “I know you guys think Lila hung the moon-”

“Marinette I am not going to sit here and listen to you bash on her!” Mylène interjected. 

“That’s not what this is!” She waved her hands frantically. “I promise!” 

“It better not be.” Mylène crossed her arms. 

“I promise girls, it’s really not. I-just, okay, so I heard that Lila’s been telling people that she’s dating Damian Wayne. Right?” 

“She is.” Rose informed. “They’ve been dating for a few months now. They’re really in love and I’m not going to listen to you say anything negative about their relationship Marinette.” Anyone who knew Rose, at least knew her well, knew that love was the thing she was most passionate about. She refused to stand for any sort of injustice involving the subject and would defend a couple till her dying breath, no matter how well she knew them. 

“Okay.” Marinette said, voice low. “Then I won’t say anything.” She gave a sad smile. “I’ll let him tell you.” The laptop suddenly shifted, the view changing quickly from their classmate to a good looking young man they recognized from the photo Marinette sent the night prior. 

“Hello.” He said, eyeing each of them carefully. “Do you three know who I am?”

“Your the guy from the picture Marinette sent.” Jukela answered. 

“Would one of you please google Damian Wayne for me?” He asked, Rose quickly complying with the request. She looked up the famous boo of their friend on her phone, a small gasp escaping her lips as she turned the small screen towards her girlfriend and Mylène. 

And there was the boy currently on Juleka’s laptop.

“You’re Damian Wayne?” Mylène asked. 

“That’s what my driver’s licence says.” He said, but his tone made the three girls unsure whether it was supposed to be a joke or not. 

“Why are you with Marientte?” Juleka asked. 

The boy looked to something off screen, probably the girl in question. “Can I?” He asked. He waited a moment before sighing. “I’m sure you’ll all find out why later, but for the moment, all you need to know is that I am with her as of the current moment.” 

Rose gave him a strange look but didn’t say anything. 

“This is why you wanted to talk to us?” Mylène asked. “To tell us you were hanging out with Lila’s boyfriend?”

“No.” Her voice came. 

“Actually, Lila is why we wanted to talk.” Damian said. 

“What about her?”

“She’s not my girlfriend.” 

The three girls all went quiet, none speaking. His face was pensive, eyebrows nicked and corners of his lips pulled down into a frown. “I’ve never even met Lila.”

“But she said she’s known you since you were very little!” Rose exclaimed.

“A lie.” He said simply. “I couldn’t have known her from the time I was little because I was locked away in a compound till I was ten years old, and even then I was kept exclusively within the walls of Wayne Manor for another year before my father could introduce safely to the world as his ward without my Grandfather taking harsh and violent action.”

“She said her parents were friends with your dad.” Juleka added.

“I’ve checked with my father and he’s never met anyone with the surname Rossi. And none of his friends have a child named Lila.”

“I’m very confused.” Rose whispered. 

“Girls, we need your help!” Marinette’s voice came. “Or rather, Damian does.”

“With what?” Mylène asked. 

“Adrien mentioned that Lila’s been telling pretty much everyone that she and I are dating, is that correct?” Damian asked, his hands folding in front of him. 

“She’s been talking about it for the past few days.” Mylène said, she vaguely remembered Nino mentioning Adrien being out of town for a modeling gig that involved Damian Wayne, she was still confused as to why Marinette was with them though.

“She’s told practically everyone who would listen, and some who wouldn’t.” Juleka crossed her arms. To most it would be hard to pick up on, but Mylène could tell when the girl was angry. Juleka had been questioning Lila a lot more lately, Mylène was sure the girl was just waiting for a good reason to switch sides, and the only reason she hadn’t already was because of Rose. Juleka had been Mylène’s saving grace when it came to her current problems with Ivan. The goth girl was probably afraid of a rift forming between her and her girlfriend the way it had between the classes former favorite sweet hearts. 

Damian sighed on screen. “I’m not a person who likes to ask for assistance from others, but under these circumstances, I’m in need of your help.” The three girls watched as his hand raised to pinch the bridge of his nose, eyes closed before his hand dropped and he looked up at them. “I don’t know how much you all know about Gotham, but people have always had mixed reactions when my siblings have come out in the past, my own coming out included. Normally they don’t have a huge problem with it because all of my siblings have come out as pansexual or bisexual, or something that includes both genders. But when I came out I didn’t specify my sexuality. I just announced I was dating Colin.”

Oh no. 

Mylène could feel it, Rose’s heart was swelling. If he was really about to go into a long winded story about he and his boyfriend’s love, then Mylène was sure Rose’s Champion of Love and Justice persona was about to be uncaged. Many of their classmates called it her Sailor Moon mode. 

“Who’s Colin?” Rose asked, voice timmed and quiet. 

“Colin is my boyfriend.” A small smile gracing the boy’s hard features. “We’ll be celebrating our three year anniversary in two months and two days.”

“Oh.” Rose’s hands clasped together, a dreamy look crossing her face. 

Suddenly Damian’s face become more downcast. “Not a lot of people like Colin. Well, not a lot of people who people listen to like him.”

“Why ever not?” The blonde asked, moving so her face was closer to the screen.

“Colin is an orphan.”  The words were blunt and hit all three girls hard and unexpectedly. Of all the things Mylène had been prepared for this morning the heart breaking backstory of Damian Wayne’s boyfriend was not one of them. “Basically anyone with money and influence insists he’s a gold digger trying to mooch off of me. And the Wayne Ward Fangirls are quick to crucify him for anything he does, wrong, right, good, bad, all of it. And of course there are those in the religious communities who are constantly berating us. That faction is especially hard on him, he lives in a Catholic orphanage you see.”

“That’s terrible!” Mylène could swear that the small blonde girl had tears in her eyes. 

“While I agree that’s awful, and I also agree that Lila shouldn’t be lying about dating you, I don’t see what it is you need our help with?” Juleka asked, voice laced in confusion. 

“If word gets around,” suddenly Marinette’s face was squished in frame with Damian’s. “That Damian has a long distance girlfriend, things are going to get worse for his and Colin’s relationship.”

“People in Gotham play very dirty, they’ll latch on to any rumor or fact, as long as it serves their needs. People will be throwing Lila Rossi’s name in my face, in Colin’s face, and in the faces of all of my family members for years.” Damian’s face had gone back to sternly neutral. “People will insist that Colin broke us up or something absurd like that, they’ll use her to villainize him.”

“They will?” Juleka asked, concern written on her face. “That sounds like something that only happens in movies.”

“They will.” He insisted. “Trust me, I’ve seen it happen before to members of my family and their friends. It’s just a matter of time before it gets to the right people, unless…”

“Unless?” Rose asked, voice going high, the girl eager to help. 

“Unless we cut off the head of the snake.” Mylène supplied. “We need to make a statement, make sure everyone who might have heard Lila’s lies knows that it’s fake.”

“The louder the better.” Marinette added. “To make sure she doesn’t turn it around on Colin or Damian.”

“I hate to ask this of you,” Damian said. “Especially since we are perfect strangers, but my c-“ He grunted, his body jostling on the screen as Marinette shot him a glare. “Companion.” He finished begrudgingly. “My companion here, insists that you three can be trusted with this task.” 

“Please help us girls.” Marinette said. “If not for me, then for Damian and Colin.” 

Damian sighed before going into his own plea. “Colin is very important to me.” His voice was quiet. “I’m not the easiest person to get along with, and everyone says I don’t deserve someone like him.” He looked down. “He is one of the most important people in my life and I don’t want some girl, who I’ve never even met, to ruin it because she wanted her five minutes of fame.”

Rose stood quickly from the bed, almost knocking the computer off her girlfriend’s lap. “Don’t worry Damian! We’ll take care of everything!” She shouted, running for the door, her voice leaving behind the call of “no one stands in the way of true love!”

Juleka and Mylène watched her go before the goth girl sighed. “We should go get her before she runs all the way back to school.”

“Yeah,” Mylène stood. “She’s going to need backup.” She looked back at the computer. “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of everything.”

… 

Nino didn’t know what was going on. 

He was sitting on the stairs in the gym area of his school, most of the student body just loitering around. Lunch was over but they still had about five minutes before anyone needed to start heading to their class rooms. The room was filled with soft chatter and laughter, he wasn’t invested in any conversations though. 

Adrien had texted him a few minutes ago and told him to start recording. He didn’t know why, but like a good bro, he did as asked. His phone was barely raised, picking up mostly just the shoes of his classmates. He noticed across the gym Marinette’s crew also had their phones up and were recording, though Nino wasn’t sure why. He now knew that Marinette and Adrien were in Steel City together, but Marinette had asked that the reason she was there with Edna remain secret and Nino didn’t want to pry into the girl’s personal life. If she didn’t want to tell anyone, then she had a good reason. But he also knew, via Kim, that Marinette had no international coverage and couldn’t contact anyone. Leaving the question of what her crew was currently doing? 

Maybe Adrien texted them too? 

But what would he need recorded so badly?

Nino debated getting up and going over to talk to the group but Lila and Alya were stationed in the middle of the gym, either girl would spot him if he made his way over to his secret friends. And he really didn’t feel like lying to his girlfriend today. 

‘ BANG ’

Everyone jumped as the doors to the school crashed into the walls behind them. All eyes on the entrance, taking in the petite form of Rose Lavillant. The small girl’s face was heated a blush pink, eyes narrowed into a glare and hands clenched into fists. Juleka stood on Rose’s right, her backpack slung over her shoulder and her girlfriend’s carried in her hands. Mylène stood on the girl’s left, arms crossed and an expression on her face that looked both angry and guilty. 

“LILA ROSSI!” 

His hand instinctively shot into the air, camera focusing on the trio. Nino had known Rose since he was five years old, and not once in all of those years, could he ever remember her yelling, nor could he ever remember her really being angry. And definitely not this rage fueled. No one spoke as the three girls made their way towards the center of the gym, Lila and Alya both standing helplessly in the girls’ sights. Nino took notice of his friends’ phones now trained on the pack as well. 

“Rose?” Lila asked. “Is everything oka-”

“SHUT UP!” 

Nino flinched at the pink girl’s tone, several others in the crowd did as well. 

“Rose what’s wrong?” Alya quickly inserted herself between the two as Nino stood, standing on a higher stair to get a better camera angle. 

“What’s wrong?” The blonde asked. “What’s wrong?!” Rose’s hand raised into the air, for a panicked moment Nino thought his girlfriend was going to get decked in the face. But then Rose’s finger shot out from her fist, pointing accusingly at Lila. “SHE’S A LIAR!” 

With her words came a few cheers from Marinette’s crew and a handful of others in the school who had come to resent the girl. 

Nino even heard one “preach” though he couldn’t tell where it had come from. 

“Ros-” Alya was cut off. 

“Everyone!” Mylène shouted, “Take out your phones and google Damian Wayne, you know the famous kid from Gotham? I’m sure everyone knows that he’s Lila’s boyfriend, or so she’s been telling us.” Mylène shot a glare over her shoulder at the brunette. “Go to his instagram!” 

Nino didn’t want to stop recording, thankfully he could see the people’s phones in front of him. The boy’s icon was a picture of him flipping off the camera with a rainbow painted on his cheek. His bio was only four lines. 

Damian Wayne

Animal Rights Activist 

My Boyfriend and Brother are the only ones who post on here

Please don’t talk to me

Nino tried really hard not to laugh, but couldn’t help his snicker. He knew pretty much instantly that Damian was not in fact Lila’s boyfriend, and doubted them ever actually meeting. But did she seriously not do even the smallest bit of research? There is no way it would have been that hard to figure out that the boy was gay, let alone in a relationship. 

“That’s right everybody!” Mylène shouted. “Damian Wayne has a boyfriend!”

“He’s cheating on me?” Lila asked eyes wide and heartbroken, Nino would admit, it was a good idea to save face. Claim the long distance son of a playboy was a player himself. If he didn’t know better he’d probably buy it. 

“They’ve been dating for three years.” Juleka’s voice was quiet but strong, the people around her who heard it started passing it back to those behind them who didn't.

Lila opened her mouth to spit out another lie but Rose beat her to the punch. “TWO YEARS, NINE MONTHS, THREE WEEKS, AND FIVE DAYS!” Her fists were clenched at her sides again, her whole body shaking. “THEY ARE TWO MONTHS AWAY FROM CELEBRATING THEIR THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! AND THIS-THIS...LIAR! IS TRYING TO TEAR APART THEIR HAPPILY EVER AFTER!”

Juleka placed a hand on her girlfriend’s shoulder, trying to calm her just a little bit. 

“Lila also lied about knowing the Waynes! Damian Wayne didn’t interact with anyone outside of his family until he was eleven! And Bruce Wayne confirmed that he doesn’t know anyone with the last name Rossi, and none of his friends have a daughter named Lila!” Mylène shouted. “The three of us talked to Damian Wayne today! Adrien Agreste is modeling with him right now in America! He asked Damian about Lila and he’s never even heard of her!” 

There were mixed reactions from the crowd surrounding them. Mylène suddenly shot her phone into the air. “He sent me a video telling the whole story! If anyone wants to watch it! I will happily show it to you!”

“I can so explain this!” Lila said, stepping forward. “You see, some of Gotham’s villains have come after my famil-“

“I SAID SHUT UP!” Rose screeched. “COLIN WILKES IS A PRECIOUS BOY WHO DESERVES THE WORLD! AND YOU ARE TRYING TO TAKE HIS PERSON FROM HIM JUST FOR A LITTLE ATTENTION!” Juleka pulled Rose back a step, worried about her girlfriend getting too out of control. “GOD!” She shouted. “YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE...LITTLE-”

“Say it Rose!” Alix shouted from the side lines, Nino swore if her the short girl’s smile got any wider her face would crack in half.

“ATTENTION WHORE!” He almost dropped his phone. The crowd, which had started to get more vocal, went silent. Alya’s jaw dropped and even Lila was left speechless and wide eyed. 

“Oh my god.” Kim’s voice carried over the noiseless room. 

Rose was left fuming. Her body was still vibrating at a speed Nino was sure couldn’t healthy. Her cheeks were puffed out, making her eyes large, the blues popping out against her now red face. 

“Lila is a liar and nobody should believe a word she says.” The girl huffed. “I am the champion of love and justice,” she squared her shoulders. “And refuse to stand idle while someone destroys the bond of two sweethearts.” Rose took a deep breath before striking a pose similar to Sailor Moon’s iconic one. “In the name of true love, Liar Rossi, I will punish you!”

Nino was not prepared for the burst of applause that erupted from the crowd. He actually howled out a cheer of his own, phone focused on the girls in the center of the mob. He moved his phone to follow Lila as she went running out of the corral of applauding teenagers. He assumed she was heading for the bathroom, probably to fake cry till someone came to comfort her. 

A long, loud, exasperated sigh fell from his lips as he watched his girlfriend chase after the Italian girl. He shook his head as he stopped the video, tapping on his messaging app and sending the video to his best bro. 

DJBubbles: Dude

DJBubbles: how did u know this was going 2 happen?

… 

Alya hesitated outside of the bathroom door. Cautiously she glanced back over her shoulder, people were still cheering she could hear them from down the hall. She wished she could be with them. But she had a mission to see through, and with everyone turning on Lila she knew it was do or die time. 

She slipped her phone into her back pocket and took in a deep breath before pushing open the door, masking her face in concern as she approached the girl hunched over one of the sinks. Lila had her face in her hands, muffled crying sounds coming from behind her fingers.

“Lila?” She asked quietly. 

“Oh god!” Lila turned away from her. “Alya it’s so awful!” She took a few steps farther away, laying her head against the wall of the restroom. “I-I just-just…” 

“Lila it’s okay…” Alya placed her hand on the girl’s shoulder. “I’m sure this is all just a misunderstanding.”

Lila sniffled, looking at the girl over her shoulder. “It’s not.” She whispered. “I lied.” She turned her head away quickly. 

“Why?” Alya asked. 

“I don’t know.” Lila whipped around, tears streaming down her face. “I-well, I just-” She sniffled loudly. “I like Adrien so much.” She started, back leaning against the wall. “But he didn’t really seem to take notice of me, so I thought if while he was gone I could get everyone talking about how I had this awesome boyfriend it’d make him, well, I don’t know.” 

“You wanted Adrien to be jealous of Damian?” Alya asked, eyebrow cocked. 

“Y-yeah.” Lila looked down. “I know it was stupid and I just should have kept my mouth shut. But I didn’t know how else to get his attention.” A few more tears streamed down her cheeks, her hands raising to rub at her eyes. “I’m so sorry I lied to you.” 

Alya sighed. “Look, I can kind of see why you did it.” She crossed her arms. “But Adrien isn’t the type to respond to jealousy. In fact, if he did like you and found out you were with someone else, then he would gracefully bow out. He wouldn’t want to come between you two.” 

Lila’s eyes stayed focused on the floor. “I guess I didn’t think about that. He really is so sweet.” She whispered. 

“And while I don’t think you should have lied about dating Damian Wayne, I definitely don’t think Rose, Juleka, and Mylène had the right to humiliate you like that. It was uncalled for.” Alya’s eyebrows nicked together. “They should have just asked to talk to you in private. Seriously, I have never seen them act so vicious.” 

“Marinette must have turned them against me.” Lila’s face suddenly hardened. “She’s out to get me Alya. You know she is. She’s taking everyone away from me!” Lila surged forward, grabbing the girl’s shoulder. “She’s going to steal you too!” 

“Marinette will never steal me from you Lila.” Alya sucked in a deep breath. “Your my best friend, and I’ve got your back no matter what!” God that left such an awful taste in her mouth. 

“Thank you Alya!” Lila pulled the girl into a tight hug. One brunette’s face turned devious while it was hidden, the other simply rolled her eyes. 

… 

Nino took his seat at his desk, unable to hide the smile on his face. He was rewatching the video on his phone. He honestly hadn’t felt this good in a while, probably not since the last time he wielded the Turtle Miraculous. It felt like everything was over, but seeing as how Lila still had Alya, and probably Sabrina, who was out sick today, he figured it wasn’t. Meaning his job as mole wasn’t done quite yet. But the few minutes he had to celebrate the Liar’s major take down with his friends was invigorating and made him feel like he was operating at one hundred percent again. 

Rose, Juleka and Mylène all came into class together, everyone already in the room standing up and cheering for them. Alya and Lila weren’t back from the bathroom yet, so Nino applauded them from his seat. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen!” Kim shouted. “The hero of the hour, champion of love and justice herself!” He jumped up on his desk, extending his hands in an overly complicated gesture in Rose’s direction. “Ms. Rose Lavillant!” 

Nino’s classmates cheered harder as Nathanael walked forward and embraced the tiny girl in a hug. “We’ve missed you sweetness.” 

“I’ve missed you all too!” Rose hugged him back as forcefully as she could. “I’m so so sorry everyone!” She pulled back from the red head, positioning herself to look at those who filled the opposite side of the classroom as Nino. “Can you ever forgive me for falling for her lies?”

“It took all of us time to see she was lying,” Max came forward, setting his hand on Rose’s shoulder. “The important thing is that you finally saw through them.” 

“Yeah, she’s pretty good at covering her ass, none of us blame you for taking so long.” Alix said, kicking her feet up on the desk.

“Do you think we could have our old seats back?” Juleka asked, voice quiet as she stepped forward and took Rose’s hand. 

Kim jumped down from his and Alix’s shared desk. He held his arms wide open, embracing the two girls. “Welcome home babe.” He said, dramatized tears in his voice. “God we’ve missed you.” 

Alix rolled her eyes. “Knock it off drama queen.” She yelled. “Seriously though,” She swung her feet around on the bench, standing up and gesturing to the seats. “It’s good to have you two back.” 

“I think you mean three.” Max said, he and Nathanael had their arms draped over Mylène’s shoulders. The girl had a small blush dusting her cheeks as she climbed the steps towards the back of the room where her boyfriend sat.

“I’m really sorry I didn’t listen to you.” She whispered, eyes downcast. “Do you think you can forgive me?” Ivan gave a soft smile, scooting down the bench so that Mylène could sit by him. The girl sat down quickly, latching onto her boyfriend’s arm with a large smile. 

“Power couple’s back,” Kim whispered. “We got all our lovely ladies on the side of truth and justice, I know have video of Rose striking her cute ass sailor moon pose. It’s like all's right with the world!” He said, sitting down at Alix’s old desk, the girl having reclaimed her seat now that everybody’s favorite girlfriends had retaken their old desk.

Everyone was happily chattering away, Marinette’s crew filling in the three girls on everything they missed when Lila and Alya walked in. 

“Not all our lovely ladies have come to their senses.” Nino mumbled, resting his cheek against his fist. As long as Alya had yet to see the light, he couldn’t in good conscience retire as Marinette’s mole. And he certainly couldn’t leave his girlfriend alone with that coyote. 

“How can you still be friends with her?” Mylène asked. “After knowing everything was lie?” 

Alya shot the girl a dirty look. “She lied about having a boyfriend, that didn’t give you the right to humiliate her in front of the whole school.” She crossed her arms tightly over her chest. “I swear, you’ve all become as bad as Marinette.” Alya took her seat behind Nino, Lila sitting where Marinette once did, large crocodile tears still streaming down her face. 

“Seriously Nino?” Juleka whispered, disbelief in her eyes.

The boy simply shook his head, turning away from the majority of his classmates. Alix flipped around on her knees, leaning close to the goth girl and whispering into her ear, she then moved on to give the small explanation to Rose. In the back of the room Ivan was quietly filling Mylène in on Nino’s situation. 

The three girls were quiet, save for Rose’s soft. “Oh.” Thankfully it wasn't loud enough for Alya or Lila to hear. 

It wasn’t long before Miss Bustier came into the classroom. She set her papers down on her desk, then turned to write something on the board before finally facing the class. Her eyes scanned the room slowly, a loud sigh escaping her lips. “Okay,” She breathed. “Let’s just begin class.” The poor woman was so tired. 

_______________________________________________________________________

(part 1)  (part 2)  (part 2.5)  (part 3)  (part 4)  (part 5)  (part 6) (part 7)  (part 8)  (part 9)  (part 10) - Here (part 11)

Not  exactly Photoshoot Part 3...I’m just trying so hard to get to this Incredibles cameo guys, I feel like I keep underestimating how long parts are going to be. I’m so sorry it’s taking so long for this character to show up. Anyway, who was prepared for Rose this time around? I love the idea of her being essentially this tank that no one sees coming till it’s far too late. Now it’s just Sabina and Alya, and Nino left on Lila’s side (or so she thinks). I also love the idea that the class has the most ridiculous pet names for one another. Not sure when part 11 will be up because we are getting very close to finals week at my college, but I’ll do my best to get something out as soon as possible! Thank you all so much for the likes, reblogs, and especially the comments! They are such huge mood boosters for me, they really change the whole course of my day and I appreciate them so much. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! I loved writing it. As always if you have any questions about the story or AU feel free to ask, I love getting them and will happily answer any question you got (even if it’s not about this AU)! And if you want to be tagged let me know! 

@graduatedmelon @northernbluetongue​ @violatiger8​ @bamagirl513​ @vixen-uchiha​ @beaversuenightly​ @tumbling-down-hills-and-stuff​ @todaylillypads​ @laurakinneylance​ @vgirl-10123​ @wellcrud-blog-blog​ @silvergold-swirl​ @crazylittlemunchkin​ @an-ahez​ @queencommonsense​ @ladybug-182​ @meganemily231​ @driftingmoonlitpetals​ @kand-roo​ @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry​ @theatreandcomicfreak​ @paradoxal-occurance​ @miraculousl4dybug @thanks-captain-obvious​ @sassydepression​ @multishipper1needshalp @wegan97​ @surprisebishhhhhhhhh  @redscarlet95 @throneoffirebreathingbitchqueen @synnesstra @fandomkitty8 @tired-yeetling @saluteswifties @kanamexzeroyaoifangirl @dast218 @naclychilli @royalchaoticfangirl @panda3506 @nataladriana9 @shreky-boi @my-name-is-michell @dawnwave16  @thethirdwheelfriend @quiet-oracle @heaven428

[ajokeformur-ray]

Cold hands, gentle soul // Joker x Reader // angst + fluff.

This is a twin piece to Coming Home To You. I wanted to explore a similar scenario with Joker in which his fear of losing you is never too far from the surface and tonight, for reasons you have to figure out, everything bubbles over and you’re left with the realisation that the man you first fell in love with is still right here.

I believe that Joker is just as tortured as Arthur is; his entire performance on the Murray show was an explosion of pain and anger and rage, and therefore I feel no shame in writing for him romantically. I fought it at first but now this is the hill I was die on, I don’t care. I love all of Arthur Fleck.

I hope that you enjoy this fic as much as you liked the first! <3 Let me know what you think; as always, there’s little pieces of my soul scattered everywhere, and my love for Arthur Fleck is laced throughout too. Where else can it go but in these works I share?

TW; swearing, smoking, miscommunication in a relationship and definite unhealthy elements which reader is aware of. Angst and fluff; no smut but there is nudity. Reader has flexible morality. Implied mentions of being sick and nausea; no actual occurrence of this though.

Word count: 4, 869.

Something was wrong. 

Something was really, really wrong. 

Joker had barely spoken to you all day. He had smoked almost double his usual twenty a day while he sat on the sofa in his eccentric three piece suit and his face dressed in full make up. All day was he staring at the television with one leg crossed over the other. He paid little attention to what was on the television and even when the news reported another riot outbreak did his lips barely twitch upwards in the self satisfaction that he usually felt. Not knowing how to read his painted face, you had stayed away from him. If Joker had known how to speak through the shouting in his mind, he would have asked you to stay beside him. He would have told you that he was so, so scared of losing you that he was stuck on the sofa, unable to stop the tirade of negative thoughts which had smashed through his facade like someone had taken a hammer to a mirror. So reluctant was he to open up to you, however, because he never wanted to go back to the weak days when he had been Arthur Fleck, that he did his best to keep himself quiet... His restraint manifested itself in anger towards his own reluctance, which was projected thus onto you. Today was a mess, everything was going wrong and he didn’t understand why he couldn’t just tell you and that made everything so much worse. Combining this with the fact that he had no control over his mood and actions meant that there was a very unpleasant atmosphere in the cramped apartment.

When you tried to speak to him throughout the day, Joker would take a deep drag on a cigarette - by noon you had stopped counting how many he was smoking each hour - and either stare at you until your temporary bravery faltered and you stuttered out a, “Never mind” or he would ignore you all together. It dawned on you by three in the afternoon that Joker was angry. It was in the way his nostrils occasionally flared. In the way he would randomly clench his fists or in the way he would audibly groan and tip his head over the back of the sofa, like he couldn’t handle whatever was bothering him anymore. It was in how restless he was; often did he rearrange his legs, only to huff and rearrange himself some more. He didn’t stay in the same position for longer than a few minutes at a time. You would do your best to not worry about him until his knees started to bounce, though. That was a danger sign that was left over from before his Joker transformation and it always spelled trouble. It meant that Joker was feeling too much all at once and his nerves, his neuroses and his tensions were getting the best of him. Woe betide you if ever you didn’t take this warning sign seriously. 

All day had one thought been in your mind, swirling like a tornado and disturbing the peaceful waters of your mind: if the shoe had been on the other foot, Joker would have literally cornered you into telling him what was wrong by now. He would have backed you into a corner and made you tell him what was causing your bad attitude. He would have barricaded the front door and used his body in all the best ways to make you speak to him. Joker wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. He always preferred to get everything all out into the open as soon as possible so that whatever it was could be resolved; he knew well what it did when one held in their emotions and didn’t act on or even release them. It poisoned one’s heart, made them bitter. Over time did this twist their soul until they no longer remembered who they had been before the emotions had taken hold with a tight and relentless grip.

The way that Joker point blank refused to even look at you for any period of time longer than it took for him to glare at you before he inhaled deeply, closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose and counted to ten under his breath; his lips miming as he did so was starting to piss you off. It was starting to really piss you off. What made him so special that he could act as he liked, whereas if you tried to do it, you would be confronted and held accountable for your actions? It was just rude and you had had enough. You had the feeling that he was trying to protect you from himself. He was trying as hard as he could to not tell you what was wrong for some reason, but the irony was that, in doing this, Joker was doing what he was trying so desperately to avoid. It was nonsensical but the modicum of logic within his suspected thought process was so Arthur that it made your heart ache. He was still the man you had fallen in love with all that time ago. You could feel it and it gave you hope; a dangerous thing for one to possess in a city like Gotham which took everything that you had and more, giving nothing back but desperation and shreds of the person you had been before it all.

You made dinner quietly, spending as much time in the kitchen as you could. You made Joker’s favourite meal, complete with another pack of cigarettes which you had stashed in the bedroom for emergencies, and you had set both down on the living room coffee table with an expectant look towards Joker. You would have taken a sarcastic comment over the passive aggressive way he said “thank you”, like he actually meant the opposite. When you had taken the liberty of lighting a cigarette for him and holding it inches from his mouth and Joker had pulled his head back and snatched the cigarette from you, that had been the last straw for you and you had moodily stabbed at your own food, no longer restraining the urge to glare at him. Underneath your growing anger, however, was worry. It had a hold of your stomach and was making you increasingly nauseous with every mouthful. What the fuck was going on with Joker? You couldn’t help him until he came to you for help, but the way that the grey sky outside had slowly bled into a blacker, more ominous setting made you feel like this would continue into tomorrow; you didn’t think your temper could handle another trying day like this one. You didn’t think you could handle this again in the morning. You had never been great with tense or confrontational situations; most especially when you were being forced to walk on eggshells because you didn’t know why things were strained.

After dinner time, you were just as pissed off as Joker seemed to be. You no longer tried to speak to him. Instead, you holed yourself up in the bedroom after dinner had been cleared away, making your own displeasure known by slamming the door hard, hard enough that the paper thin walls shook and you felt a contrasting sensation of guilt towards your own childishness and satisfaction. You hoped it pissed him off even more; if he was going to treat you the way he had all day then the very least you could do was give him a reason to do so. He had been fine when you had woken up this morning, but by the time you had come out of the bathroom from getting ready for the day had his mood soured. Something had happened while you had tended to your physical and bodily needs and he wasn’t telling you what it was. You had tried many a time to ask if he was all right, but each time did he snap, “Yes, doll. I’m fine.” Any questions you further asked were greeted with the silent treatment and his mood - and yours, subsequently - had deteriorated throughout the day.

You lay curled up on the bed with your back to the door. You were seething and left there to stew in it. It was here, on the bed that you had always shared with the man that you loved, that you could admit to yourself that you weren’t angry. Well, you were, but  you were only truly angry about how Joker was hiding something from you. His attempts to protect you from whatever was bothering him were admirable but unnecessary; hadn’t he learned by now that nothing he could ever do or say would take you away from him? You had been with him long enough to know that he was it for you. Never again would you love another. You never wanted to love another again. When you considered his overall mood and the way he very obviously just wasn’t okay but he also wasn’t telling you anything, you were more worried than anything else. It was making you sick to your stomach and you hoped that your dinner wouldn’t come back up; nothing ever tasted good the second time around.

You shut your eyes, curled up even tighter into yourself. You were beginning to feel the consequences of the day’s tension now. You felt sick, you were scared and you were angry at how you had been treated and you were feeling lonely. Joker was just beyond the insubstantial bedroom wall, he was less than thirty seconds away from you in reality, and you felt lonely. Unneeded. You felt inadequate and just wrong, like nothing made sense without Joker by your side. You knew it was dangerous, unhealthy, to place so much of your worth and value as a person into someone else, but you couldn’t help it. You loved Joker too much, you had been there for him, with him, for so long and through so much that without him by your side, your life became cheap. Meaningless. Empty. Your arms felt empty. Just as you realised this, the bed became too big, too cold, too empty and void of everything that had happened here: love, passion, desire and lust and adoration and trust. Trust... Did Joker trust you with what he was experiencing? Did he trust that he could tell you anything and you would listen to him, you would comfort him, hold him and love him and make sure that he knew that he wasn’t alone, that he was seen? Did he know that you loved him?

How had things spiralled so far out of control in just one day? 

You let out a soft noise of pain, just wanting to alleviate the ache in your heart, that palpable sensation of love and loss, loneliness and grief. It seemed as though your entire being was bleeding from the inside out for Joker, for the man that he was once, that sweet, pure man of sunshine and light and goodness despite all that happened to him on a daily basis. Your heart bled for the man that he was now; how he obviously felt that he couldn’t be honest with you about what was going through his mind. You had only ever wanted to help him. What good were you to him if you were incapable of doing so at the most crucial moments? You knew you loved each other, and you clung to that knowledge just as surely as you were gripping the duvet beneath your body, your fingers wrinkling the material which still had lines from where it had been folded. You had only changed it this morning and you allowed the scent of fresh laundry to wash over you, soothe you and still the chaos inside you that had been put there by the man who usually brought you nothing but peace and solace.

All thoughts left your mind when your ringing ears picked up the sound of the bedroom door cracking open. You stayed completely still. Your eyes were open now as you stared at the wall, hardly daring to breathe. You were suddenly conscious of your heart pounding in your head, of the way you could feel Joker’s presence in the room. You knew not where he was, only that he was in the room with you, and it seemed to set your entire body alight with love and affection, worry and fear. It was so conflicting to be in love with a man such as Joker, but you wouldn’t trade it for the entire world. You had tasted total liberation in his soul and you would be damned if you ever went back to the way you had lived before you knew that such a man existed. You had always craved, in the deepest parts of yourself, someone who made you feel like you could create chaos, that you could do anything and everything you wanted to without fear of the repercussions, without fear of judgement. In Arthur Fleck, in all that he was, had you found complete and utter acceptance and understanding. That had never been any different, even now. You had always been able to be your naked self around Joker and he had been the same with you - you were each other’s home, each other’s safety. No matter what either of you did, you were safe with each other. You were whole and happy and alive. Joker made you feel alive and that was more valuable to you than anything else.

The silence stretched impossibly far. It mirrored the way that the skin on your hands was pulled taut across your knuckles; so tightly were you gripping the duvet upon which you rested. 

The bed dipped behind you and instantly did you tense up. Slowly did curly green strands of hair descend over you, marring your limited vision of the darkened room. You bit your lip as Joker leaned down further still to press a kiss to your cheek. You shut your eyes, feeling a sad smile spread across the corners of your mouth. Unconsciously did you sigh and lean into the touch.

“I know you’re awake.” Joker’s voice was deep, raspy from the way it hadn’t been used for a long time. He hadn’t spoken for hours and if your eyes hadn’t already been shut, they would have slid closed blissfully at the sound of his voice. Oh, help you, it was your favourite sound next to his heartbeat. Just knowing that he was alive, that he was beneath you in those moments, meant more to you than the knowledge of your own continued existence. During those nights that he couldn’t be with you did you suffer the most with sleeplessness, and when he came back in the mornings to find you wide awake and too worried to sleep was he reminded of the depth of your love for him. Sometimes he stayed out all night on purpose, aimlessly wandering around Gotham, just so that he could come home to you in that state. He dearly loved tugging you over to the sofa so that you could fall asleep on him, your head roaming his chest until you found that spot. Oh, how he adored you. You were his entire world and he was yours. Together, your worlds did collide into a universe full of love and light, challenges and triumphs.

You didn’t move. Joker’s breath washed warmly over your cheek and you just enjoyed the closeness. You hadn’t been this physically close to him all day and like he was a drug had you experienced withdrawal. With a huff that carried the weight of unshed tears did Joker put a strong hand on your shoulder, tugging you so that you were lying on your back, your legs still bent. As his face came into view, you saw the tears in his eyes, the way his makeup was smudged; the blue triangles had become physical markers of the tears he had already shed. You lifted both hands slowly, so slowly, and Joker watched you with some hidden depths of pain in his eyes. But you knew. You knew him even better than you knew yourself, and as your fingertips just gently grazed his face did he finally shut his eyes and allow his tears to fall. You didn’t bother to wipe them away. Instead, you tugged him down to you by sliding a hand around to cup the back of his neck, pressing kisses all over his painted face. Joker was beginning to tremble, and you took the initiative to pull him down on top of you fully. 

Again and again did you kiss his face, his neck, his jaw... anywhere and everywhere you could reach with his face in your hands did you rain kisses. You had always kind of liked the taste and smell of the face paint that he used, so it was of little consequence to you when it started to smudge on your own face in a strange combination of red, white and blue blurs. You looked like a work of art to Joker.

You opened your mouth to speak and the resounding inhale you took to announce this had Joker’s eyes snapping open as you lured him back to reality. His face was hot under your hands, his body the most welcomed weight. He was like a security blanket in that moment, giving you the strength and the courage you needed to face the very issue which was also giving you comfort. “You’re still the man I fell in love with. Nothing has changed.”

A broken sob. His hands gripped your hips tightly. He would probably leave bruises but you didn’t, wouldn’t care. Anything was better than the sense of emptiness he had begun to instil in you.

Again were you forced to wonder just what was going on in Joker’s mind. Unless... unless that was the issue: Joker was scared that you didn’t love him anymore and in an effort to keep you safe from what was hurting him, he withdrew to the point that you wondered if he still loved you. He thought that, because he had changed, because he had succumbed and dropped any and all sense of responsibility and shed the shackles that were holding him down, because he had transformed from Arthur to Joker, that you didn’t love him anymore. And because you didn’t love him anymore, that meant that he couldn’t tell you what was bothering him even though he desperately wanted to.

In a twisted way did it make sense. You silly man.

You cooed quietly and tugged him down into a proper cuddle; his face resting in the crook of your neck. You rubbed his back, played with his hair, stared up at the ceiling and allowed yourself to cry. You decided to take a wild stab in the dark and just talk. All of those things that you thought of late at night that you dared not tell Joker did you tell the ceiling, needing the man in your arms to understand just how critical this entire situation was. A change in your relationship would occur this night, but it would be for the better. From rock bottom could you only go up; you would drag each other up in the sunlight if you had to, hand in hand and triumphant. “Don’t you know that I’m not afraid of you, of what you do. I’m afraid for you.” Joker stiffened in your arms and you felt him holding his breath, his heart beating a wild tattoo against his rib cage. “If something ever happens and you get taken from me - death or prison or hospital or something - I don’t know what I’d do. If I ever lost you, I couldn’t... mm.” You cleared your throat, raised a hand from Joker’s back to swipe your hand across your face before putting it back where it had been. 

“Let them try,” Joker snarled and you smiled. You just smiled. He was talking again. He wasn’t snapping at you, he wasn’t glaring at you. Finally had he accepted the help that you had been trying to give to him all day. “I would rip this world apart to get you back.”

I know you would, Arthur. Only in the safety of your own mind did you dare to call him by his real name. You were unsure of how he would react and so you didn’t risk anything. It was better to keep quiet than to raise questions which he himself had no answer for.

“Will you tell me now?”

“No,” Joker sighed. He sounded so much like his old self that your tears fell hotter, faster, and you couldn’t stifle the sob that left your lips for the life of you. He raised himself then to look at you, supporting his weight on his elbows as he gazed down at you in consternation. It seemed in that moment that he realised what he had been doing to you all day, and the most sincere apologetic look flashed across his face and settled into one of love as he bent his head to kiss your tears away. You leaned into the touch, wanting more of everything that he was giving you. He pulled back just to say “I don’t need to. You love me.”

You grinned. You couldn’t stop yourself. Help you, you did. You would follow him into Hell just to stay by his side. It was with an unspoken mutual decision that you decided to put today behind you. Bottling his emotions up hadn’t worked and you had only fed off of each other’s discomfort. You had somehow managed to figure out what it was that was bothering him and without his even needing to tell you had you soothed his fear in the end. He wasn’t going to lose you because he was Joker now. You still loved him. You weren’t going to leave. You were going to stay by his side and that was all he had ever needed; to be needed.

You hesitated on your next words. Could you say it and get away with it? Would he allow you to bring up his past, to bring up his most vulnerable and weakest part of him? Would he take it at face value and understand that you said it with only the best of intentions? Would he run? Would he get angry? Woulds, coulds and shoulds threatened to choke you but just at the point Joker was going to ask you if you were okay did you say,

“I love you, Arthur. I love you so much.” You allowed all of your love, all of your affection and devotion, trust, respect and need to show on your face and it was with some kind of released tension that Joker smashed his painted lips against yours, kissing you again and again and again. 

“Show me. Please, show me,” Joker suddenly seemed almost frantic in his movements to get the both of you undressed, and you grabbed his hands in yours tightly, tugging lightly so he knew to look at you.

“Relax.” You murmured, holding his face in your hands. “Let me take care of you, Arthur.” You rubbed your thumbs across his face in soothing motions, willing him to understand that there was time. Nothing had to happen right now, nothing had to be done before a certain time limit. There was no getting up for work in the morning, nothing that urgently had to be done. You had time. 

Carefully did you roll so that he was under you. Softly, gently, did you undress him, making sure to keep your eyes on his body language. The way he inhaled shakily when your hand brushed over his crotch, the way his eyes focused on the way you easily unbuttoned his shirt with deft fingers, the way he arched into your touch. You put so much care into everything you were doing, trying to use your actions to convey just how much you still loved him, even after everything. Truthfully did you know that there was nothing Joker could say or do that would turn you away from him. You were just in too deep to be able to pull yourself out of the life that you had built together.

When at last you were both naked, your clothes scattered carelessly about the room, did Joker begin to take initiative again as he rolled so that you were under him. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I - “

Gently did you shush him. “It’s okay. I understand.” You reached up and kissed him tenderly, keeping only love at the forefront of your mind. Desperate were you to soothe his pain with your love, your patience and your understanding. Your anger had melted away now as though it had never been there in the first place. You could never stay angry at him for too long; it hurt you too much and often did you just let it go, accepting each moment as it came. “I know you.”

Joker seemed to lose all trace of lust and want as all the fight left his body. He tucked his head back into the crook of your neck, pressing dry and warm kisses to the skin there as he snuggled into you. He just wanted to be loved. Clumsily did you attempt to pull the duvet out from underneath your bodies. Joker huffed the first genuine laugh of the day against your skin and it made you laugh too. Joker pulled back to gaze at you, galaxies in his eyes as a slow smile spread across his face. His makeup was now smudged all over your face, your chest, your clothes, and he looked more like his bare faced self, now. He was ethereal no matter what state he was in. 

“Look at you.” His voice was quiet, his eyes shining with that same spark that Arthur’s eyes had always had, and you heard his words for what they were; an apology and a promise. A promise to try to be better in the future. A promise to try to be more open, to allow you to see his vulnerability without leaving you on eggshells and uncertainty. It was a promise to try, just try, and that was enough. You both knew that you would be fine together if you continued to try every day, as it came. Sometimes one of you had to try more than the other, and sometimes it was more of a balance. But no matter what, you couldn’t give in, you couldn’t give up. Each day did you choose each other and each day did you fall more in love. You completed each other and offered balance to the other’s personality traits. It was written in the stars, you liked to think.

You blushed. “Speak for yourself.” You booped his nose with a delicate finger and he smiled at the old, familiar gesture as he caught your hand in his, held on tightly and pressed a reverent kiss to the palm. The gesture had made him think of the day he had come home shattered by the truth, and you had showered with him and gently put him back together; you had always been there for him, always, and nothing he did would ever be enough to repay that kindness, that goodness in you. He would spend the rest of his life being the best version of himself, if only to make everything you did for him, everything you had sacrificed for him, worthwhile. Even now, even after all of this did he feel most unworthy of you. If you knew, you would tell him that in feeling unworthy did he become worthy, but he wouldn’t understand or be able to accept that he was already more than enough. All he had to do was to be himself and in that would you love him. 

“I love you.”

A soft murmur against the skin of his neck. “I love you too.” Again and again did you kiss him, as if you were trying to kiss his tormented soul better. As if you could reach the deepest parts of him and soothe them. Love them. Heal them. Heal him. If love was enough to heal someone’s hurts and torments, then the strength and depth of yours would mean that Arthur Fleck would never feel an ounce of pain or hurt ever again.

In the end, it would never matter who or what Arthur became, what he did or even what mischief he caused in the city. He was yours and you loved him, cherished and treasured him. You were still just as fiercely protective of him as you had always been, and though there were more challenges now than there had ever been in your relationship, you were still able to reach the rawest parts of him. You were still able to bring  his vulnerability into light and you could still quiet his rage. So long as you could reach his core self, his goodness, you knew that you were still needed. No matter what happened, you would never leave. Not for all the money in Gotham.

The Arthur Fleck/Joker Defense Squad @writings-of-a-gen-z  @x-avantgarde-x  @mapreza1 @insomniabird  @mavalenovaninagavi  @itwasrealenough  @morrisonmercurymalek  @rand0ms-fand0ms  @rafaelina-casillas @aclownthing  @rebs-doom  @vivft  @help-i-am-obssessed @autumnaffection   @taintednihilist   @vladtoly   @mg-woolf99 @misstgrey92  @that-s-life   @dopey-girl-blogs  @seeking-dreamland  @sweetheart-syndrome  @heartxfdesire  @xmusichealsthesoulx  @0callmejude0  @the-one-that-likes-riddles  @hannibalsslut  @folliaght  @freeeshavacadoo  @bingewatchingmylifegoby  @unlovedbyeveryoneandeverything  @okamiredfoxx  @sp0okysp0oky  @the-pandorabox  @mardema  @jibanyyan  @honeyflvredcoughdrop  @emissarydecksetter  @jokerfleckk  @epidendroideae  @chuuntas  @stillmabel  @pumpkinpeyes  @onehystericalqueenposts  @the-jokers-wolf  @nalsswa  @justahyena  @arianatheangelworld  @soullessblondbitch  @gothamslittlejester  @twentyonestarrynights  @sirianfromsixties  @kissmeclownman  @joker-is-my-hero  @lazyloosah  @lovesickkloxx  @ladylovelyluna  @live-love-loki  @clownerybbxx   @tragicarthur    @anmach123

[wosoenthusiast]

Webinar: Celebrating LGBT+ Inclusion at Chelsea

I know this event was not recorded so here are some notes from the “Celebrating LGBT+ Inclusion at Chelsea” webinar. Please note: these are NOT direct quotes!! I didn’t start taking super detailed notes until a few minutes into the panel, sorry about that. And I did a quick read through but I apologize for any typos or grammatical errors.

The panel included Chris Gibbons (moderator), Pernille Harder, Sara Matthews, Graeme Le Saux, and Funke Awoderu

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Chris: introduced each panelist and talked a little about rainbow laces

Graeme: (general point: we’ve made a lot of progress in the last 5-10 years, especially since I retired. Sorry, I wasn’t taking as detailed notes right at first)

Funke: (general point: Authentic support is so important.)

Sara: Sport brings people together. Chelsea is a brand with international following and a huge platform. Zero tolerance policy for a long time, internal and external. Demonstrating by doing not just by saying. Want to understand their demographic, look at areas where they are less diverse and how to address that. Look at who works in football, show a different type of recruitment.

Chris: I was nervous about being an out gay man coming into working at the FA. I asked in my interview about whether it was an open environment for a gay man and got a very thorough answer about anti-discrimination policies. Has that developed?

Funke: Yes, if you can’t see it, you can’t be it. Data tells us something. Use it well to inform you plans. Proud of the LGBTQ+ people in the FA and their contributions. Don’t want to put people in boxes so we are trying to build a progressive, diverse environment. Learn from others and people’s lived experiences. Listen to the stories people tell. We’re on the right road. If you can’t see it, you can’t be it. And it needs to happen on the leadership level.

Chris: Welcome to Chelsea, Pernille. I want to understand your experience of culture in the women’s game- previous clubs, international, and now being new to Chelsea. Women’s game is known for being open. What are your thoughts/experiences?

Pernille: Women’s’ football has always been open about homosexuality. Locker room and fans are very open. In Denmark environment- I wasn’t out, not comfortable. No one else was homosexual. It’s important that you don’t feel alone. I felt a difference right away when I came to Sweden, it was so normalized. I felt I could be myself which is the most important thing.

Graeme: I agree so much. If you feel you’re isolated, it stops you being yourself and others being themselves too. Infrastructure and support and work being done outside the game holding football accountable. Learning from other environments that are further ahead in inclusivity. Pernille, I’m curious, do you think not being out in Denmark held you back?

Pernille: It might, I didn’t think about it at the time. [After coming out], I felt more calm and secure and like I could be 100% self. I felt more honest with myself. It feels better when you trust yourself and what you’re doing. It reflects when you play too.

Chris: Where does it come from? Fans, locker room, Chelsea? What creates a positive, inclusive environment?

P: All individuals are open minded. No one uses sexuality or religion in a negative way. Comes from teammates, staff, everything around you. [It’s important that] the highest leaders in the club are inclusive, affects everyone underneath and what values to act from.

Sara: Reading on stonewalls website 43% of LGBTQ+ people don’t feel welcome at public events (not sure about this stat), such a shame. Being at Kingsmeadow, wow, what a different number that would be. A great place to come enjoy sport and feel very welcome and be a positive perception change.

Chris: We have lots of women’s team fans with us. Go to Chelsea women’s games!! (Mentions Chelsea Pride group and a few other groups and initiatives.) Graeme, why is a group like this so important? Why did you want to be a patron?

Graeme: To get honest feedback from people, get perspectives. Groups of different communities and perspectives are so important. They are a signpost for people who don’t have the confidence or support around them in their own lives. Can help people get into watching football and know that it’s a safe space. Every space should be safe of course, which is the next chapter- people don’t have to work under and umbrella to feel safe and welcome. It’s all built on trust and openness. Willingness to admit you might not get everything right all the time.

Chris: Pernille, you haven’t had much chance to engage with fans at Kingsmeadow, but why do you think these groups are important?

P: It’s important to feel a part of something and not alone. Groups like that help with this. Yesterday, we finally had fans back, 700 I think. I can’t wait to get more. In women’s football, fans love football, they don’t care who you are- sexuality, skin color.

Chris: Funke mentioned before the diversity of LGBTQ+. Trans people still feel a lot of barriers in taking part in sport. In 2014, the FA published policy on trans participation. Do you think football is becoming more inclusive for trans people?

Funke: This is one area that the whole game needs to collaborate better. LGBTQ+ identities are all lumped together right now. Lots of differences in LGBTQ+ community that we’re not considering, more conversations around gender identity, inclusion, education- we need to do the work around the journey for LGB work and apply it to trans inclusion. Now more than ever. There’s so much toxicity and miseducation. If we’re true to ‘the game is for everybody’, we can’t leave trans community behind. To come out as trans is not an easy thing to do, LGB people can pass but trans people sometimes cannot. Educate ourselves, use that to inform policy

Chris: How does that reflect what clubs are doing?

Sara: On the subject of intersectionality- we have to be honest. The data we have today is very recent. People are reluctant to report honestly, there may be fear. From an employer of choice perspective and perception- it’s about fairness, change the stereotype (like who works in football). We’re talking about diversity and inclusion every day. Huge range of departments which means you can bring in a huge range of people with different skills and experiences. You can create a different culture for the organization. Starts at recruitment, put forward the culture of the organization. When she sits in interviews, people ask about DEI, sustainability, corporate social responsibility. People expect their organization to have a narrative and verbalize what they think and feel about discrimination. Chelsea has stepped forward and said zero tolerance but message needs to be confirmed internally. Much more to be done. Education and information- it was not too long ago when women weren’t prevalent in the workforce, but it’s changed. Change happens fast. Lots of new and different people entering the workforce. Listen to people with different perspectives and points of view. We can create a better employee environment by making it so no one is ‘the other’, which comes with diversity

Chris: People have seen news about fans booing when people kneel and other negative reaction and that’s what sticks. What more needs to be done to tackle culture of hate in the stands? ..... Pernille, do you hear much discriminatory language in the stands at women’s game? What’s your experience?

P: No, fan culture is very different in men’s and women’s football. Men’s football is so big so there are a lot of different football fans. It’s difficult to say what to do to change it. It’s important to do something and act. Responsibility of players and other fans- trying to create a different fan culture. Standing up when you hear something. Players need to be stubborn and must stand up for each other.

Chris: Do you think if there was abuse, the response form the women’s game would be robust and quick? More solidarity [than in men’s football]?

P: I don’t know because I haven’t experienced it. I guess so

Graeme: It’s great that you haven’t experienced that. That’s a really big plus.

Chris: Chelsea was the first club to introduce fan re-education (like if a fan was banned for certain language anti-Semitism, they’d have a chance to learn more about why that language was not acceptable). Player re-education exists. How do we get fans to understand this better?

Graeme: It’s important to understand context of where it’s coming from, help someone overcome prejudice by learning something new. Doesn’t send out the right message to just throw someone out. There are a lot of things we grow up with contribute to this ignorance, so figure out where it’s coming from. Set boundaries of what we will and won’t tolerate. Give people a chance to own up to their mistakes. I’ve made some big mistakes in my career and been punished. I was taught to be honest, deal with consequences, and move on. That might remove external pressure. Make transition a bit smoother [as football moves forward], bring more people along

Chris: Funke’s been involved with the Rainbow laces campaign since early days. What impact do you think it has on the pro and grassroots game?

Funke: Immeasurable impact. Every start of the campaign gets better and better with the amount of support. It connect with adult and youth football. People love what the campaign stands for and want to get behind it and support it. Normalizing the playing field, this is a great opportunity to demonstrate the values and culture of your club. Challenge: how to continue to innovate and be creative in conversations and take it to the next level. It continues to grow and grow. More and more, people are taking a personal stand and educating themselves. Campaign has been a success but we won’t rest on our laurels. We must continue.

Chris: I tell youth players about the rainbow laces campaign and they sort of roll their eyes because they learn about and talk about this in school (and with their peers). The culture moving forward will be much more inclusive with the next generation of players. Do you think this will happen in clubs? (I didn’t quite catch this question but I think this is what he asked)

Sara: Yes. People wanted to be associated and show support, bummer we aren’t working at Stamford bridge in person. The next generation is going to be so important. There’s a lot of hate, and standing up against all of is important. People do want to learn- the more you learn, the less afraid you are to ask questions. People are still afraid of offending sometimes too but we’re moving toward really celebrating difference.

Chris: (reads a submitted question out loud about how Pernille is a role model and inspired this person to come out and be themselves) Pernille, how does it feel to be a role model for LGBTQ+ people, not only in sport?

Pernille: It’s great to hear this question. When I was younger, I missed some role models who were homosexual. I try to live as if it’s nothing special. I’m just myself, not hiding anything. That means showing pictures with my girlfriend and just acting normally. I don’t want to do something that doesn’t feel genuine. A lot of people like that I’m just myself and not embarrassed [about being homosexual].

Chris: There are people out there that think you’re a role model too, Graeme. Do you have a sense of the importance of role models?

Graeme: Once you have a profile, you recognize responsibilities associated with that. Whether you like it or not, you become a role model. None of us set out to be a role model. If you take money from sponsors because they think you can sell the product, you should be happy to be a role model, comes with the territory. Some people are more suited to that so it’s important to not hold people to go beyond their comfort. I take great pride in my ability to support things I believe in. I support in public and private and I don’t share everything about myself in public. Stand up and support values and principles, even when it’s not related to me. I was very alone in experience of defending myself [from rumors of being gay] while supporting people around me. It’s a big challenge in many ways. I will always do what I do out of principle. With a profile, you can reach more people.

Chris: Another question for Sara and Funke- what is the club’s response to supporters who have troll comments on rainbow laces posts? Should the club work harder to block and remove those comments?

Sara: The club won’t be dissuaded from doing the right thing. Follow discrimination laws- we will support and take action. Block and report when they can on social media. We do see other people who are posting challenge those comments. Those are important parts, have to work with social media companies, it’s not just trolling in football. Social media companies have to help as well to help manage this

Funke: Any organization driven by principles and values, there will always be haters sharing their view. We take the same measures that Sara just said. Year to year, the ecosystem conversation, calling people out, challenging people back. We know those comments will come. Work with social media companies to have more coordinated effort to take things down. Threshold for football is higher compared to those organizations [social media companies], makes it challenging to take things down immediately 

Chris: Graeme and Pernille, do you deal with trolls?

P: yes, there are a few. There will always be haters, especially when you speak up about your opinion. I mostly ignore them and focus on the positive. More positive than negative, positive people will comment on the negative which is amazing

G: yes, I do. I don’t like to give those people oxygen. As soon as you start engaging, you risk it escalating. Turn to social media companies for support too.

Chris: That’s the end of the hour, thanks all for your time! I’m so looking forward to where these conversations will go in the future.

[empaths-hsp]

7 ‘Rules’ for Highly Sensitive People to Protect Their Energy

Anyone is welcome in my world, but there are a few rules, because I’m choosing to no longer be manipulated or shamed for being sensitive.

I am a highly sensitive person, and if I’m being honest, it’s not easy being me. I am not like other people, and sometimes I don’t fit in. I have little patience for shallow conversation, arbitrary rules, loud, disorganized environments, hate, or purposeful unkindness. I can “feel” it when we connect, and I am very aware when we don’t. I am interested in conversations that get to the root of things. I am not interested in listening to what you think I want to hear.

However, I haven’t always been able to express these preferences. I grew up believing I was too sensitive. I formed thick barriers around myself to guard against emotion. Emotion, in my world, could and would be used against me.

Unfortunately, blocking out mad or sad feelings also blocks out happy ones. At that point in my life, I was not a happy person. Trying to fit in and make people like me was exhausting. I was not able to say no, simply because I wanted approval — and I ended up resenting the demands that I allowed others to make on me.

A Life-Changing Realization

Later in life, I learned that I’m a highly sensitive person — and this changed everything for me. To put it simply, everyone has a sensitive side, but roughly 1 in 5 people are more sensitive than others, or what researchers call highly sensitive people (HSPs). HSPs tend to process information very deeply, which can make them quite gifted — but it also means they “burn through” a lot of mental energy. Too much stimulation completely drains them.

(Wondering if that might be you? Here are the signs you are a highly sensitive person.)

Today, I’m working toward living a more authentic life, and that starts with self-care. Despite all the photos brightly splashed around Instagram, “self-care” was a new term for me. I’ve since learned that good self-care isn’t just a bubble bath — it’s also about setting the right boundaries. Anyone is welcome in my world, but there are a few rules. I’m choosing not to be manipulated, guilted, or shamed into doing things that don’t align with my vision for a healthy life.

You know the craziest part? I have way better relationships and a stronger sense of belonging now. So here are seven “rules” I follow that I hope will help you, too.

7 ‘Rules’ for Sensitive People

1. If you’re not nice, you cannot come here.

For HSPs, other human beings are the brightest thing on their mental radar, all on account of their brain wiring. So when someone makes passive-aggressive comments, I notice. I usually don’t acknowledge it, but you better believe I caught it. Likewise, when the conversation veers toward gossip, it can be so easy to get sucked into the negativity, and it always makes me feel awful just for having participated in any way. And, if you talk down to me or make me feel judged for not liking what you like, that’s not okay either.

Sure, I will be gracious to you if we come in contact, but you are not welcome in my home, nor will I attend one of your functions. The energy that emanates from negativity is like poison to HSPs, and it’s dangerous for our mood and outlook to absorb. So I avoid these people at all costs.

2. No takers.

Highly sensitive people are givers by nature. Empathetic and caring, we want to help whenever possible. But there will always be some people who abuse our generosity. These people are called takers, according to psychologist Adam Grant, and they focus only on getting as much as they can from others. Spending too much time with them actually makes me feel physically sick from the exhaustion.

You know the type. These are the ones who always want something, are always complaining, or are always playing the victim. Or the one who always has to one-up you: “Well, if you think that’s bad, you should hear about what happened to me.” These people will suck you dry of your mental and physical energy if you allow them to. If they could, they would have you taking their children to soccer practice and making them dinner while they’re at the spa!

3. Stop the glorification of busy.

We live in a culture that glorifies being busy. If you’re not constantly running around, getting things done, then you’re not productive, maybe even lazy. However, this is not the case, especially for highly sensitive people, who need more downtime than others to recharge. If you’re constantly run down, can’t commit to anything, don’t have time to help out a friend once in a while, or are continuously stressed and frazzled, it’s time to reevaluate. Ask yourself: Are you living life the way you want to, or do you feel as if you’re spinning like a top and barely hanging on for dear life? Do you do things you enjoy, even just occasionally?

I used to think I had to prove my worthiness with a rundown of all my appointments, soccer games, clubs, Society of Martyrs meetings, etc. Now, I am delightfully, unapologetically un-busy. I take time to drink a cup of tea and play with my kids. You want to meet for coffee? Sure, I got time. As a highly sensitive person, I love meaningful conversations over a hot beverage.

And yes, of course, I have a million things to do, but I have prioritized and eliminated the things from my to-do list that don’t fit with my vision for my life — or at least my vision for today. Some days are busy and it can’t be helped. I acknowledge that. I’m not saying you should quit your job and stop feeding your kids! Obviously, some things are mandatory.

But seriously, prioritize. Your worthiness is not attached to your productivity, so don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

4. ‘No’ is a complete answer.

You don’t need a reason to say “no.” People almost never ask why. If saying no right away feels too uncomfortable, buy yourself some time to answer. For example:

Pushy PTA lady: “Can you make three dozen cupcakes for the bake sale?”

You: “Wow, I’d love to help with the bake sale, but I should check my schedule first. I’ll get back to you.”

This gives you time to give it some thought. Maybe you do want to do it. But if you don’t, it gives you time to come up with an alternative solution, like purchasing cupcakes rather than baking them.

If someone will not take no for an answer, it might be time to sit down and discuss boundaries. I find this happens most often within families. If you fail to lay out boundaries, trust me, you will live in resentment. I know, because I’ve been there. Having an honest conversation can be hard, especially for us highly sensitive people since conflict can be overstimulating for us. But, in the long run, resentment can be much harder on a relationship than an honest conversation.

(If you have trouble saying no, here are some tips.)

5. It’s okay to feel “too much.”

Especially right now, this world can feel so sad, broken, and lonely, and nobody feels that deeper than a highly sensitive person. But as sensitive people, we may bottle up our true feelings because we don’t want others to think we’re “too much” — and this is dangerous. Obviously, there is a time and a place for everything. The important thing is to make space to process your feelings.

If you’re not sure how to do that, start with journaling, which can be especially helpful for HSPs during troubled times. Trust me, feelings that go unacknowledged don’t just disappear. They lay dormant and come out in ways that are almost always negative and destructive. Have you ever snapped at your spouse and thought, where in the world did that come from? Maybe it was because he forgot to bring home that loaf of bread — last week — and you were still holding onto anger. Journaling will help you process your emotions, everything from frustration with your spouse to anxiety about the world at large.

6. Read a little every day.

I know I’m not the only highly sensitive person who drinks in books. I need words like I need food. There were many years when I did not make the time to read. I thought it was selfish.

But reading is the kind of downtime that soothes and informs. It’s a win-win. There’s nothing better than the connectedness that happens when words written decades, or even centuries, ago speak to one’s heart and remind us that we are not alone.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Subscribe here.

7. Not everything is about you.

Dear sensitive soul, you are different. You process things differently and more fully than others do. You are going to pick up on things that are not meant for you.

I wish someone had told me these words years ago. I used to take things very personally until I realized that the moods and attitudes of others rarely have anything to do with me. This was a lightbulb moment for me because I didn’t realize that most people don’t notice as much as I do. Now that I know, I can put things in perspective and let them go. She may not have answered my text because she’s busy, not because she’s angry at me, I tell myself.

Alternatively, others won’t always pick up on the signals that I put out. I used to think I was being obvious about my needs, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t stating them clearly. Learning how to speak up for my needs was a real turning point for me. And with that came the realization that people are not going to love me in the same way that I love them — in a way that only a highly sensitive person can — but that doesn’t mean their love is less.

HSP, it’s not selfish to care for yourself. It’s not selfish to schedule downtime. When you have rules that protect your energy, you are at your best for the people who need you. You will find yourself more willing and able to be generous without feeling resentful.

Find ways that work for you that get you closer to your vision of the life you want. If people and situations make you uncomfortable, there is a reason for that. Trust those instincts, because they will help you create the life you want.

You might like:

How Highly Sensitive People Can Stop Saying Yes When They Want to Say No

8 Tips for HSPs to Take ‘Little’ Things Less Personally

These 21 Things Stress Out Highly Sensitive People the Most

The post 7 ‘Rules’ for Highly Sensitive People to Protect Their Energy appeared first on Highly Sensitive Refuge.

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[mithranqueersmusings]

Baby, You’re A Rich Man XXIII

Chapter: 23/28

Rating: U

Summary: Ringo could never understand why that group of three boys made him feel so uncomfortable, or why the way George looked at him sent him into a panic. After a chance encounter Ringo discovers the truth and has no clue what to do with the information.

Tags: AU - Gangsters, Slow Burn, Smut, Eventual Romance, Violence, Angst

Pairings: George Harrison/Ringo Starr, John Lennon/Paul McCartney

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

Paul had been right that Brian would be awake by the time they got back to the hotel, in fact he'd already left several messages at reception inquiring after them.

"Fuck." John laughed when the receptionist told them.

Ringo began to worry a little but his intoxication far overpowered any negative feeling attempting to arise at that moment, so it was only Paul who took the situation seriously as he hurried up to their room to call Brian. The rest of them followed behind passively, still giggling and falling into each other as they climbed the stairs. It was almost 7 in the morning, and Ringo was boggled at how they'd passed so much time that night and just hoped he hadn't forgotten anything important. While Paul sat with the telephone in the other room, giving the rest of them a glare which warned them to be quiet, George pulled Ringo into their shared bedroom and onto the bed. John was close behind and threw himself down on the second bed, he kept fidgeting about trying to get comfortable before he rolled over onto the next bed and nudged up against George.

"What are you doing?" George mumbled, the tiredness was beginning to sink in, his eyes were closed and he was holding Ringo close to his chest.

"Shh." Was all John said as he tentatively put his arm around George who just grunted in response.

Ringo was beginning to fall into a deep sleep, he barely even noticed John's presence as his mind was completely occupied with the rising and falling of George's chest. After managing to fight off sleep for so long, the feeling was coming back with a vengeance now. It was only Paul's presence in the room that stirred Ringo, as he purposefully spoke loudly to rouse them.

"How sweet." Paul projected, making Ringo shudder in alarm as he opened his eyes "I just got off the phone with Brian."

George began to sir now, opening his eyes just barely "Huh? Can this wait?"

"Oh I'm sorry, feeling tired are we?" Paul laughed, still talking loudly.

"Paulie." John groaned "Just come to bed, we'll deal with it when we wake up."

Paul opened his mouth to speak again, to protest that they had to wake up and listen to him, but then he took in the image of the three of them sloppily cuddled together and decided against it. He kicked off his shoes and discarded his belt on the floor then clambered onto the bed beside John.

"Can we at least get under the covers then?" Paul suggested, tugging at the bed sheets that they were lying on top of.

John nodded sleepily and allowed Paul to pull the covers from under him, stirring George and Ringo who were just awake enough to do the same. The four of them then quickly fell asleep, George and John still fully dressed, as the city began to wake up around them. Despite the fact there were two perfectly usable beds in that room, the four of them remained tightly cuddled together on one of the double beds and not one of them found any cause to complain.

Ringo had been the first one to wake up on account of almost being pushed out of the bed by the other three tossing and turning in their sleep. He wasn't sure what time it was but he supposed it had to be the afternoon by now. Ringo didn't get out of bed immediately, he simply watched George sleep for a little while and admired the beauty of his face; he pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek before carefully getting up. The sight was a little ridiculous, Ringo thought with a quiet laugh, the three of them wrapped in one another tightly with an empty bed right beside them. He'd never experienced such closeness in a group of people before, especially not such affection amongst other men and he hadn't really realised the uniqueness of it until this moment, and it made him smile.

Over the next hour the rest of them gradually woke up, George was the last to which was a surprise to nobody, and eventually decided to go out to get some very late breakfast. They found a relatively normal looking cafe down one of the streets and each got a coffee to shake off the feelings left over from last night. George and John were both still barely conscious, John even rested his head on the table at one point to try and stop the pounding of his head. Ringo certainly felt strange but out of the three of them he thought he was recovering the best. When their food arrived, Paul turned the scant conversation to business.

"Shall we talk about what we're actually here to do then?" Paul asked only half seriously.

"Go on then, what did Brian say?" George asked, leaning against his hand to keep his head up.

"Well he wasn't too happy that we didn't call him last night but when I explained that we'd got a potential lead he wasn't too pissy." Paul began "He said the best thing to do is scope those guys out tonight and see where that leads us. He was very adamant that we shouldn't get physical unless we have to."

"Why do I feel like he was only saying that part to me?" John mumbled as he sipped his coffee.

"Your reputation precedes you, John." George chuckled.

"What should I do?" Ringo asked rather sheepishly.

"Just stay alert around Klaus and that lot, they might still have some more info." Paul smiled at Ringo "You gonna be alright without us around?"

"Hopefully." Ringo said "I've gotta get there for 6 tonight to go over songs and stuff. Will I see you guys when I'm done?"

"Maybe." George said "Can't make any promises unfortunately. If you can't see us just get back to the hotel, alright?"

"Probably best I give you this." Paul reached in his pocket for the hotel room key and pressed it into Ringo's hand.

"What if you guys end up in trouble or something?" Ringo asked "How am I to know?"

"You won't." John laughed bluntly.

"Well we shouldn't be getting into any trouble, should we?" George directed a glare at John "Just don't come looking for us, love, alright? Just get yourself to bed and we should be there by the morning."

"Alright." Ringo said somewhat sadly, George had placed his hand on top of his own to comfort him.

After they'd eaten John demanded they go back to the hotel so that he could collapse beside the toilet in case of any involuntary sickness. Paul sat in the bathroom with John for a while, Ringo wasn't sure how much of a conversation John could hold up in his current state but he supposed that didn't really matter to either of them. George and Ringo sat in the small lounge and listened to the radio for a while, Ringo playing with George's hair as he lay in his lap. John emerged from the bathroom after a while, his eyes watery and skin pale but he still wore his usual grin.

"How you feeling?" Ringo asked him as he collapsed onto one of the chairs.

"Ready for round two." John replied which made George laugh.

"Try not to throw up on these blokes later." George lifted his head up slightly to meet John's eyes.

"I dunno, might be a good tactic." John laughed "Hello, I'm one of Brian's men and I'd just like to inquire-" He cut himself off by making a retching noise which sent the rest of them into laughter.

The hours passed by fairly quickly as the four of them continued to joke around and listen to the radio. An hour or so before Ringo had to leave George announced he had something to give to him, and went rummaging around to the bottom of his suitcase and pulled out something that Ringo certainly wasn't expecting: a knife. The sight of it alone made Ringo nervous and as soon as George pressed it into his hand he felt like dropping it, as though it burned his skin.

"I don't think I can take this, George." Ringo said softly.

"I know, I know." George began "But this is a dangerous place, and if I can't be there to protect you the least I can do is give you this so you can protect yourself."

"I don't even know how to use it."

"It's a knife, not a rocket." John chimed in lightly.

"You probably won't even need to use it, its just a precaution." George placed his hand under Ringo's chin then "Please just take it, for me."

Ringo paused and looked down at the switchblade in his hand then up to George's dark eyes and saw the love behind them "Okay." He said simply and buried it deep within his pocket.

It wasn't too long before Ringo had to head out to the Top Ten Club again; it felt very peculiar leaving the three of them in the hotel room as he headed off into the unknown city, but he just had to remind himself that he had nothing to worry about. Part of him wished he was going with the rest of them, but the thought of having to confront those dangerous men made him relieved that he didn't have to get involved. He felt the weight of the knife in his pocket as he walked and it made him feel nervous, as though everyone who looked at him knew and he worried that it was making him more of a potential target. As the sun began to sink Hamburg began to rise up once more and Ringo supposed that he'd probably have a great time here if they were only on a normal holiday, yet the reason for their trip was never too far from his mind.

Klaus had been very happy to see Ringo which eased his nerves somewhat. They went over several songs with Klaus acting as the translator between Ringo and the rest of the group, who seemed to be growing increasingly impressed with Ringo's drumming ability.

"How long are you staying in Hamburg for?" Klaus translated the lead singer's question.

"Not too long, a couple of weeks probably." Ringo replied, speaking slowly and loudly as if it would somehow overcome the language barrier.

"That's a shame, you're a good drummer." Klaus spoke once more.

"Thank you." Ringo said with a smile.

"You came to Germany without even knowing how to say 'thank you'?" Klaus was speaking for himself now.

"What is it?" Ringo asked somewhat embarrassed.

"Danke." Klaus said with a smile.

"Danke." Ringo repeated.

"The manners of the English, I cannot believe it." Klaus laughed.

They practised songs for an hour or two before their shift officially started and Ringo had almost forgotten the exact reason for him being there, all until they were in the small room backstage and he saw the band taking out the same small pills from their pockets. Klaus offered one to Ringo but he politely declined, he wanted to try and keep a level head for as long as he could.

"Suit yourself." Klaus said "But you're gonna need them later, trust me."

"How long have you been taking them for?" Ringo asked as he tried to sort his hair out in the mirror.

"Not sure, as long as they've been giving them to us. Couple of months maybe." Klaus replied as he popped the pill into his mouth and swallowed it down with a sip of beer.

"What did you do before you had them?"

"Just stayed awake, I suppose. We didn't used to play so much, or for so long, but at some point they kind of shooed a lot of the bands off and started giving us the pills. Must be cheaper, I guess."

"Weird." Ringo was worried about pushing the questions too far.

"Actually, now that I think about it, everything changed when they got that new manager in. What's his name?" He turned to one of the band members and spoke in German. "Ah, yes, Stefan. Stefan started working here and everything changed."

"Changed how?" Ringo asked.

"Well like half of the bands got fired, it was a pretty sad time seeing everybody go like that. Then they started giving us the prellies and its just stayed that way." Klaus began fiddling with his bass.

"What's this Stefan like?"

"I don't know really, we don't see him that often. At the end of every week or so he speaks to us and drops off a bunch of the pills. Gives out a bit of a weird vibe." Klaus' attention was drawn to one of the members again as they spoke to him "Oh really? Strange."

"What?" Ringo asked quickly, then cursed himself for appearing so eager.

"Oh, nothing. He just said Stefan's been sniffing around the other clubs the past few weeks, passing his pills around. Guess he's got some business plan or something."

Ringo didn't have much time to ask any more questions because soon they were heading off to the stage, but he was at least satisfied that when he next saw George and the rest of them that he'd have something to tell them. The thought of the other boys made Ringo nervous, he suspected they must have at least been planning something by this point or even heading out to find those men. He tried his best to not think of the sight of George when he'd returned after their first night together with a stab wound, or how battered John and Paul had looked. He counted himself lucky that he at least had something to occupy himself while they were 'working', and nothing was a better distraction for Ringo than drumming. While the club was almost the antithesis of The Babylon, dark instead of light, filled with everyday folk rather than the uptight classes, Ringo felt more at home here, but he couldn't deny he was still a little nervous playing for all these people with yet another new band. He just hoped that when he looked out at the crowd he'd see a familiar face, see George's sharp-toothed grin, but they were nowhere to be seen. As soon as they began to play Ringo allowed himself to get lost in the music, and he was extremely proud of his ability to get through the entire night without any need of a boost even if his body was aching for him to rest.

They finished playing around midnight and Ringo felt about ready to collapse onto his drum kit just to get some sleep. Klaus had invited Ringo out once again, but this time he refused.

"I'd love to, but I'm knackered." Ringo smiled, his fingers were killing.

"Knackered?" Klaus asked "What does this mean?"

"Oh, sorry. Really tired." Ringo amended "Maybe next time though."

"Next time, then." Klaus smiled, Ringo thought he looked absolutely crazed from his sober viewpoint.

He watched Klaus run up to the rest of the band excitedly as they headed off for what Ringo guessed would only be another unhinged night. The walk back to the hotel was awfully lonely, and seeing the mass groups of people drinking and laughing together only made Ringo feel his friends' absence even more. The weight of the knife in his pocket knocking against his leg was a terrible reminder of what might be happening to them right now, he wanted to remain positive but after the things he'd seen and experienced it was difficult not worry. He kept his heavy eyes peeled for any sight of one of them but he hadn't even caught a glimpse by the time he'd gotten back to the hotel. The receptionist gave him a warm greeting which he could only halfheartedly reciprocate.

The room felt especially empty when Ringo entered it, particularly the sight of the ruffled bed covers which only reminded him of how relaxed they'd been that morning. Part of him felt that if he didn't stay up before they got back, it somehow meant that he didn't care, but even he couldn't fight off the beckoning call to sleep, and after around an hour of waiting he finally crawled into the spacious-feeling bed and began to sleep. He could hear the bustling street outside the window and it was more comforting to him than silence, it at least gave his mind something to focus on rather than the horrible potentialities he was conjuring. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep, playing for such a long time was beyond exhausting and was something he'd have to get used to.

Ringo awoke with a start to the sound of heavy banging on the door. Shit, was all Ringo could think. He hurried out of the bed and rummaged around for his trousers to pull out the knife from the pocket. Was this it? He flicked the blade up and held it defensively as he moved slowly towards the door; would they break it down? Sweat began to drip from his forehead and he felt his hands beginning to shake. That was, until he heard a voice.

"Ringo you git, open the door!" John shouted and Ringo almost collapsed in relief.

He put the knife away and chucked it onto a table before he unlocked the door to find the three of them standing there looking relatively unharmed. George was certainly glad to see Ringo, pulling him in for a quick kiss before even fully getting into the room.

"This key situation is gonna be a right nightmare." Paul said with a yawn as he walked over to the sofa and plonked himself down on it.

"How'd it go?" Ringo asked excitedly, taking a seat beside George.

"Quite well." George smiled at Ringo, taking his hand in his own "Think we found the right guys, bought some stuff off them and followed them about for a bit."

"I bartered pretty successfully, I thought." John grinned as he pulled out a bag of drugs from his jacket pocket.

"You're just itching for a fight, aren't you Johnny?" Paul chuckled then turned to Ringo "You'd think laying low and not causing up a stir would be the best idea, then this one tries to get a deal on the coke. On the coke we don't even need!"

"Speak for yourself." John retorted as he tossed the bag onto the table.

"Where did you follow them to?" Ringo asked, he felt like a little kid asking their parent's about their day at work.

"Some dodgy house not too far away." George answered "Looked like everyone and their mum was there."

"So what's the plan?"

"All that's left to do now is confront them. This is the tricky part." John said.

"Well it shouldn't be." George spoke sternly "It probably won't be the friendliest discussion, so we'll probably have to end up intimidating them or bribing them to bugger off."

"Oh God, I hope it goes well." Ringo furrowed his brow in worry.

"It should be fine." Paul said reassuringly "If things turn ugly we'll just get out of there."

"Anyway, how was your day, love?" George asked then brought Ringo's hand up to his mouth so he could press a kiss against it.

"Fine, fine. Klaus did tell me about this one guy, I think he might be part of that crew or whatever." Ringo recalled.

"Oh?" John sat forward now in interest.

"Well he said that a few months back a guy called Stefan started working there, and the whole club sort of changed. He's the reason all those drugs are getting passed around." Ringo explained.

"Interesting..." John began "Do you know what he looks like?"

"No, sorry. Klaus just said he gives off a weird vibe, that's all I know." Ringo said somewhat shamefully.

"Don't think we've got enough time to go after every bloke that gives off a weird vibe." Paul laughed "But that's a start at least."

"Do you think you can try and find some more stuff about him next time you're there?" George asked in a soft voice.

"I can try." Ringo smiled abashedly "Klaus did ask me out for drinks again, I could go and ask him a few things."

"Did he?" George asked almost sternly which made John laugh.

"Calm it, Georgie, he's not making a pass at your beloved Ringo." John giggled "Its just hospitality."

"Hmm... I suppose." George's face had hardened "Just be careful, love."

"He will be!" Paul interjected "And if Ringo's gotta suck up to a few German lads to get us the information, then that's what he's gotta do." He had a teasing grin on his face.

"Well as long as its sucking up and not sucking on, I guess I'm alright with it." George laughed, easing up a little.

"Don't I get a say in all this?" Ringo spoke up with a chuckle.

They continued joking around for a while before they all decided it was best they got some food before they went to bed, Ringo wasn't sure how he'd been going so long without noticing how long it'd been since he'd eaten. Paul was very adamant that they'd be going to bed after eating, but not before calling Brian to inform him on everything, which earned him a dramatic pout from John. They all scoffed down their food hastily and hurried back off to the hotel for some rest, drunkards and prostitutes were littering the streets now and they had to physically pull John away from the temptation.

"Do you reckon if we finish this all up early Brian will let us stay for a little while longer?" John asked as they all got ready for bed.

"Depends on how we finish it." George mumbled as he brushed his teeth.

"You got some devilish plans in mind, John?" Ringo asked.

"I just think it'd be a waste if we left this city without seeing what it has to offer." John replied.

"Or who it has to offer." George called from the bathroom.

"Oh come on! Are you guys not even a little bit curious?" John asked, directing it more at Paul than anyone else.

"I don't understand why you need to pay for sex when you have me right here." Paul said with a small pout, offering his hand out to John who took it gladly.

"It's not like that, it's just an experience. It'd be fun!" John defended himself.

"So when I asked if this is all going to end in some weird orgy, the answer was yes?" Ringo laughed.

The conversation devolved into more jokes and John adamantly trying to defend his stance, although nobody seemed the slightest bit convinced. Before they all got into bed, John made the executive decision of pushing the two beds together - even if there was barely any space between them anyway. Paul took it upon himself to call Brian, since he knew nobody else was going to do it, while the other three got under the covers and waited for Paul to finish. It was a fairly short conversation, and Paul had nothing to report when he moved into the bedroom and got into bed beside John.

"He just wants us to be careful." Paul said sleepily "Didn't say much else."

"So you didn't ask him if we'd be allowed to stay afterwards?" John asked cheekily.

"Jesus, give it a rest John!" George called out with a laugh.

"Let's save that until after we finish this job, alright?" Paul cuddled up beside John.

There was a small pause before Ringo spoke "Do we have any plans for the day tomorrow? I'm not working until 8."

"I've got an idea." John said.

"Fuck sake, of course you do." George already had his eyes closed.

"I think we need to get ourselves some new clothes, else we're really gonna stick out like a bunch of tourists." John explained.

"Well that's not what I thought you were gonna suggest." George mumbled.

"Do we stick out that much?" Ringo asked.

"Well with Paulie over here in his fancy blazer, I'd say so." John laughed "Just look at your band Ringo, what are they all wearing?"

Ringo paused to think "Black?"

"And..." John urged him on.

"Shoes?" Paul chimed in with a chuckle.

"German accents?" George joined in.

"Leather!" John cried out "They all have leather jackets and trousers, and I think we need to get some."

"It does look pretty cool." George admitted quietly.

"I dunno if that's really my style." Paul spoke up.

"Come on, love, when in Rome." John said "It'll give us something to do tomorrow at least. Might even increase our chances negotiating."

"It wouldn't hurt to try it." Ringo had closed his eyes now too, resting his head on George's chest.

"Exactly, that's the spirit!" John was the only one with any energy at this point.

"Alright, fine, we'll go look at some leather clothes tomorrow. Just nothing weird, alright?" Paul mumbled.

"Weird? Me? I'm offended, Paulie." John scoffed sarcastically then leaned in to whisper in his ear, something Ringo couldn't quite understand and he was partly glad for it considering the reaction it received - a small gasp from Paul followed by a satisfied hum.

"Can we all shut the fuck up and go to bed now, please?" George said, nudging John slightly.

That marked the end of their conversation and it wasn't long before they all dropped off to sleep one by one. Ringo felt safe and secure in this moment, with his boyfriend pressed up against him and John and Paul cuddled up together beside them. The thought of tomorrow loomed menacingly in his mind, and he hated the thought of having to be separated from the other three once again, especially since they were taking a much larger risk this time. He panicked at the thought of anything terrible happening, especially if one of them got wounded like they had done last time; would Ringo even know the right thing to do in that situation? Ringo's mind was filled with fear, a voice in his mind telling him constantly that he shouldn't be here, but every time his mind focused on George's breathing or the sound of John muttering in his sleep, all those thoughts were silenced. He just had to face whatever situation came his way, he decided in that moment, and there was no use worrying about anything that he couldn't prevent.

Tomorrow was going to be an eventful day, that much was certain, and Ringo still wasn't sure whether he was more scared by the potentiality of violence or the thought of trying on leather clothing.

[harbourviewwithnova-blog]

Staying in a situation where control is constantly being applied means one will lose the ability to think for themselves, and will instead always take their cues from their partner in an attempt to avoid negative emotions.

Abuse of any kind is complicated and difficult to understand, navigate, and identify, but this is especially true for emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can involve extremely sophisticated — and more importantly, toxic — game-playing, like inconsistent, unpredictable displays of affection or love (there’s a firm line between jealousy and possessiveness, for example). And while the warning signs can seem more ambiguous, psychological and emotional abuse can be just as damaging.

According to Beverly Engel, author of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, the parameters are clear: “Emotional abuse is defined as any nonphysical behaviour or attitude that is designed to control, subdue, punish, or isolate another person through the use of humiliation or fear.”

Often times, the emotionally abusive relationships are more subtle, she explains. “The other thing is that a lot of times in an abusive relationship, it’ll start out wonderful, great, and fabulous, and the problems evolve very slowly over time so that it gets worse and worse and worse, and each time you’re getting more adapted to [the negative patterns] so that it gets more difficult to [see as well as to leave].”

If you eventually find yourself taking their emotional outbursts as proof of how intensely they care about you, because if they didn’t care, they wouldn’t get so angry — right? You’re likely in the throws of an emotionally abusive power struggle.

Covert Narcissism and Abuse

Abusers can convince you that they are treating you this way to “help” you, because they know better.

Most abusers put a lot of effort into telling you how wonderful they are. They are “wonderful” people yet their own family walk in fear of them. They are superior human beings yet they may have a problematic history of mediocrity, failure or drama. They are so outstanding that they are met with hostility rather than acclaim. They are so outstanding that they meet with universal jealousy. They exert an irresistible animal magnetism over the opposite sex (despite all evidence to the contrary) .

Vulnerability and low self-esteem are at the core of the narcissistic abuser. If you find yourself in a position where you can question their thoughts or opinions or you aren’t doing exactly as they expect you to, they could be feeling the effects of a narcissistic injury (ego based fear of being “found out”). A narcissistic injury occurs when narcissists react negatively to perceived or real criticism or judgment, boundaries placed on them, and/or attempts to hold them accountable for harmful behaviour. Although they may not show it outwardly, criticism may haunt these individuals and may leave them feeling humiliated, degraded, hollow and empty. They react with disdain, rage, or defiant counterattacks.

The lack of accountability in the narcissist is astounding. When you expect they will see the error of their ways and apologize, you will find them defending themselves. Somehow, they find a way to make it all about you and it becomes your fault: “You made me react that way.” “You did this or that to create my behaviour, I wouldn’t have to do this if you didn’t act the way you do.”

The Perfect Target & Emotional Manipulation

Sowhat personality type is more susceptible to this form of abuse?

People pleasers and perfectionists have a compelling need to conform to the expectations of others. With their shaky self-worth (which is made shakier by their abuser), they strive to behave in a way they think the other will favour. People pleasers see an idealized self in their irrational imagination; they struggle with self-criticism and anxiety and ultimately have a perpetual need to win the approval of their partner. Ultimately, they are pressured to think, feel, and behave in a way that is not their own, molding themselves into something they are not, being careful not to “rock the boat”.

Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” their people pleasing partner by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority. They know that you have very little knowledge in this particular area and often remind you of their expertise (why I’m right and you’re wrong), despite you having your own internal sense that something is not quite right.

By targeting the recipient’s emotional weaknesses and vulnerability, the manipulator coerces the recipient into ceding unreasonable requests and demands.

Psychological or emotional manipulation involves influencing someones thoughts and emotions as a way to control them. This can be done through crafty and abusive practices, oftentimes unhealthy to the victim.

Manipulators will try to control people by using their weaknesses or vulnerability against them. They exploit these vulnerabilities to achieve their own goals, regardless of the harm they do.

The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.

Master manipulators are the worst kind. Their tactics are hardly obvious. And what’s worse, they make you feel like it’s all your fault.

Why is this so harmful?

Chantal Heide, a relationship expert and dating coach, it creates mental and psychological havoc:

“Guilt, shame and fear are very negative emotions that make us feel uncomfortable, and people who use emotional manipulation in negative ways trigger those feelings to incite avoidance, getting their partners to choose alternate behaviours in an attempt to feel more comfortable emotions within the relationship and to avoid any upset. If you’ve ever heard the term ‘walking on eggshells’ this is the abusers ultimate goal for their partner”

“Staying in a situation where control is constantly being applied means one will lose the ability to think for themselves, and will instead always take their cues from their partner in an attempt to avoid negative emotions.

“This stunting of their emotional growth reduces their sense of accomplishment, and eliminates opportunities for important validation. In turn, their self-dialogue will be, ‘I’m not important, I’m not worthy… I’m not loveable, I’m a loser.’”

Rebuilding Self Love After Abuse

It’s most important to show yourself compassion and to remember that nobody willingly chooses abuse. The great thing is that these difficult experiences are the ones that help us to build character, strength, and resilience. By diving into our experience and choosing to learn from our trauma, we can come out on the other side more powerful and in a position to stand up for others in similar situations.

Instead of looking for someone or something to blame, choose to claim your self-worth and recognize our courage — both in the moment of our experience and in the aftermath. Tap into your inner compass and take the learning that comes with the lesson. Don’t dwell on what you could have done better or differently in retrospect, think about how “every moment in life gives you the opportunity to start over and to learn from whatever life has dealt you.” Most importantly, remember that you can get through it and move forward into a more loving, full life where you trust yourself and others again.

Until next time,

ND

[someonefromseoul]

Fuck Me.

Hello. I don’t know who or what I’m directing this to but I’ll just pretend there’s someone actually reading this. Temptation is a strong fundamental desire that doesn’t always have our best interest. Like that time you look in the mirror wishing you haven't had that donut for lunch, or that other time when you turn and toss, only to find yourself not being able to sleep at 4am from the nap you had earlier that day.

I feel like shit right now. I had oily ass bacon for breakfast, cup noodles for brunch, pepperoni pizza for lunch, ice cream cone for dessert, almond soy bean milk as my “work drink”, only to transition my day into a nap.

I feel bloated as fuck and my pimples are having the time of their lives, meeting new friends and such. 

So this only leads me to my usual routine of self hatred and disgust for a solid hour, drotting down what the rest of my day will look like just to fool myself to thinking I’m productive, and get on Tumblr to waste more time complaining about my day!

Okay, but here’s the deal. I really do want to get better again. I stopped working out ever since my gym closed down from that fucking coronavirus (yes, I am that spoiled and self centered only to be complaining about my gym closing during this time of crisis) which has been a couple of months now. 

I had diet fillers on my chin area to get rid of my chin fat right before the quarantine. That was a fucking waste of money since my double chin is back.

Anyway, my point is that I want to be somewhat sane again. My mind is literally going crazy over being stuck at home and I clearly don’t love my body enough judging by how I’ve been treating it. 

I put a face mask earlier today. That’s a change. I’m going to work out starting NOW. In like a few hours. And I’m going to document the progress and process because I want to see the change and actually hold myself accountable if I don’t go through with this. 

So this is the plan.

1. I am 51.8kg (114.2 pounds) right now. My goal weight is 48kg (105 pounds). Okay, so basically my goal is to lose around 10 pounds.

2. I just started an art instagram. Try to post three times a week. I want to have 10 followers by the end of May. And NOT by asking my limited amount of friends to follow. I want to connect with real strangers who are really there for my art.

3. My fucked up skin. Let’s try to clear that out as soon as possible as well. I know I have oily skin and a huge part of that comes down to what I consume. Let’s fucking please stay away from oily and salty food. Drinks permitted is only water, tea, and sometimes alcohol. 

4. Speaking of alcohol, try to stay away from that. Which I’m doing a good job of these days because I’m “social distancing” (no friends). I’m going out tomorrow though but let’s really try to keep it like max 3 drinking nights per month. MAX. preferably once to none.

5. You can never single out alcohol when you’re a smoker. Hi, hello, I’m a smoker. I’ll write a post going more in depth about my smoking journey. Long story short, I’ve been smoking since August of 2013. So like 7 years already. I genuinely don’t know why I started it. Actually that’s a lie, I got into it because I thought it looked cool and I wanted to fit in. Sad, sad weakling I was. Anyway, I’m going to QUIT. I literally say this like merry Christmas to the point my friends just roll their eyes at me whenever I say this. Like, let’s really try to make this a reality instead of this having to be that time I cried wolf again. LIKE PLEASE. For yourself, man. You know you’re getting old and it’s not like you have any more health to spare.

6. Work on my art project. You know which one I mean. I want to keep it on the down low. To roughly plan, I want to work on my portfolio around June July and August. but by June, let’s focus on instagram, enhancing my drawing skills from proko, and this personal art project I’m not going to specifically go into because it’s confidential. Let’s call it Arty. So yeah, finish Arty.

7. My relationships. Mind you, I’ve never seen a therapist because I’m not financially independent and it’s a taboo subject to bring up in Asian culture. At least with my family. So no, I haven’t been professionally diagnosed, but who needs a doctor when we have google, right? So to preface, this is not a legitimate claim I’m making. But I strongly think and believe that I have anxiety; especially social anxiety and an avoidant personality disorder. I definitely deal with SOMETHING-I do plan on going to a therapist the moment I get the chance to, which is hopefully, soon. Anyway, getting back on topic. I want to work on my relationships with my friends and family because I’ve literally been in my shell for the past couple of months. Avoiding people at all costs. Not healthy at all.

8. My mental health. Probably the most important one. If this was a meat house and I could grade my health, I would give it a B+. Definitely not a S, not exactly an A either-but on the fence between A and B. Not quite A- but more of a B+. I don't have any serious health issues but I’m not great either. I feel slightly uncomfortable when breathing, my mind is foggy, and I think I might have hemorrhoids soon. Literally keeps me up at night because it frightens me-I constantly flex my butthole just in case things might peep out (sorry for the TMI but this is my fucking blog so deal) (me still pretending like someone’s actually still reading this shit post) I lose sleep over it, don’t even get me started. Anyway, if my body health is a B+, my mental health is probably around a B-. I don’t think it’s around the C level, but it’s definitely below average (average being a B). It’s at the verge of either becoming average or enter into the C level. A or S is obviously out of reach with my potential right now. But I want to get to an A; possibly to a S some day. Some day. A girl can dream. Anyway, how I want to go about this is to keep writing on this blog. Because I have a fake ass personality, I literally hide my real self to everybody. Kinda psycho like that. At least this little spot can be my safe space where I can get all my genuine shit out. To be serious for 2 seconds, I think I’m fake to people these days because I don’t feel comfortable being completely myself. My self esteem really plummeted after I graduated high school. I’ve been shushing myself internally too-shaming myself about how stupid and weird I sound. I’ve been trying to press down all my negative judgements and thoughts because I didn't want to spread that kind of energy to other people which made me be fake positive all the time. That can be really fucking suffocating, guys. Those of you who know what I mean say I. 

Anyway, I want to find my color again. I think I’ve been shushing and shaming myself for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore. Hopefully writing like this helps. And apparently physically working out does as well. Let’s try to aim everyday, maybe a lazy day per week.

Side note-Kakaotalk keeps spamming me about the sakura flowers and how beautiful it is, suggesting me to go see it. Um, hello. Can you stop harassing me with these insensitive messages? Some people don’t have friends to go with. And it’s quarantine season? Are you dumb?

9. My looks. which goes under self care as well. I’m not gonna lie, I think I’m a fairly okay looking girl. I’m going to change my makeup style because after not putting on makeup for so long and looking back at my old photos, I’ve seen my bare face for so long, I grew fresh pair of eyes to see how I REALLY looked prior to this quarantine. And I finally got what people meant by “your makeup looks obnoxious.” Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE makeup. I’ve loved makeup ever since I was a sophomore in high school. I follow many of the beauty gurus (how they used to call it back in the days. I think people call them beauty influencers or makeup artists now) from youtube and Sephora was my second home. My broke ass owns like majority of the urban decay naked palettes in exchange for eating kimchi and eggs for weeks with my poor college student self in exchange. Poor college student with a BEAT makeup look though.

Anyway, the point I want to get across is that I respect and love ANY form of self expression. There is no such thing as too much or too less (is that even a word) makeup as long as YOU feel good in it. I personally did and I enjoyed my extra caked face. But not anymore. Maybe on some occasions, but I just don’t feel like that’s me anymore. So I need a new make up look, and I literally want new clothes. I hate my freaking outfits. Going to invest in some soon.

I can’t really think of anything else. I want to go in further with some of the topics I’ve tackled today but I think that’s enough journal writing for today. If I think of anything else, I can always update later. I just fucking pray I don't get hemorrhoids. I don’t have it now but I’m just so paranoid because I literally sit down 25/8 and apparently sitting for an extended period of time continuously can cause hemorrhoids. And for some reason I keep feeling like I’m going to get it soon. Like my butthole low-key feels a little weird at times. Hopefully I’m okay.

[notactuallysmol]

My first book review! I’m going to attempt to review every book I read this year so if you’re interested in finding some good YA books and filtering out the not so good from your TBR then be sure to follow. Don’t worry they will all be spoiler-free and I will also be working on making the pictures more aesthetic but it was late and I wanted to get all my thoughts out while they were still in my brain. I would also just like to add, especially considering that my first review is uncharacteristicly negative, that the intent of this account is not to offend any authors or fans of these book but simply to express my own thoughts and opinions x

Book: # murdertrending

Summary: In the near future people can now watch live-streams of convicted felons and murderers being executed on an app run by a mysterious figure called the Postman. One day Dee Guerra finds herself on Alcatraz 2.0 (the suburbanised prison island the death penalties takes place) for the murder of her step-sister. One problem - she didn’t actually kill her.

Author: Gretchen McNeil

Rating: 2/5

As you can tell from the rating, I didn’t have an overall positive experience with this book. Despite how interesting I found the original concept, I feel like the idea didn’t pan out very well in the end.

In my opinion, the author should’ve abandoned some of the side plots that were clogging up the story and instead centred the book on the general corruptness of Alcatraz 2.0 rather than the main character’s history. By making the book more focused on Dee than the app, the story became unrealistic which was saddening because the horrifying realism of the Postman app would have been more shocking on its own. It felt as if McNeil didn’t realise Alcatraz 2.0 was messed up enough without all the weird extra stuff. (How to avoid spoilers 101 lol).

However by following this more convoluted story it did allow for some shocking twists and turns. Another positive thing I would say about this book, was that it was a very politically contextual book, often making witty comments about the issues of a reality TV star president which I found amusing. But besides from that small bit of humour, this ‘dark comedy’ sadly didn’t make me laugh very much. In my opinion the characters were simply too bland to be funny. Although I can understand the authors use of stereotypes, especially considering the gang were called the ‘death row breakfast club;’ due to their dullness, I found myself rooting for this random dude in the app’s comment section more than the main character, especially when her extremely morally wrong acts were brushed aside. Speaking of the comment sections, I would say that this was also one of this books more successful aspects, as it most effectively showed the human reaction to this macabre concept, holding up a shameful mirror to our current society. Or it may just be because it was the only escape from the mediocre writing (okay that was a tad harsh) that often left me zoning out from the story and trying desperately to figure what image McNeil was getting at. (Not that my writing here is very good - look I’m tired give me a break).

Moving on. The love story in this book was kinda cute but also kinda unnecessary. I don’t know about you but if I was on an island escaping murderers my top priority wouldn’t be to go get the guy. Yes you could argue that Hunger Games does the same thing but the difference is that that actually adds to the plot. Also the author made the Hunger Games a thing in this universe and I’m just not sure about that being plausible, but then again it’s certainly not the least plausible and confusing aspect of this story.

On the whole, I feel that I was mainly disappointed with this book because it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. Maybe the story could be congratulated in itself but personally the ideas I got in my brain from reading the blurb were stronger and a lot less wishy-washy than the book itself.

Thanks for reading! If you’ve read this book yourself please share your thoughts below :)