#especially the issues are BAD dissociation
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i mean i get why it sucks but i've been having an existential crisis that keeps me up at night for most of my life too and i'm not producing people expressly to abuse them and use them as tools about it. Astrals are just on something else i guess
i'd say it's a question of scale in general, as in an existential crisis coming so deeply from a whole different life in your head would fuck someone up much more. but anyway i keep saying Lucilius' way to treat other is bad, in those same posts in fact, just that his issues with depersonalization/derealization are also extremely compelling and actually make me feel bad for him. Those two feelings can coexist, and i don't mean that you have to be nicer to him or anything. i'm just saying he's still an interesting character.
#like idk as someone who suffered from both scenario ie: abuse from family and lover#and this feeling of twisting yourself to try to overcompensate on the neglect you've been through#AND as someone who genuinely feels like i'm walking my life as dissociated from reality#and have to constantly remind myself to remain close to earth while being scared when the apathy knocks in#especially after too-realistic dreams that can really make it seem like something is deeply wrong with me and i shouldn't be here#i have actually deep feelings for both situation#yeah Lucilius's way to treat others is wrong. i've never denied it or implied that because he was a sad meow meow it was forgiveable#all i've been saying is that damn actually this feeling of complete disconnect resonate with me to the point of shattering my glass house#and while compassion and empathy are stuff i deeply deeply prioritize in my life#i have those episodes of pure apathy especially after a disconnection like that#that genuinely scare me and that i have to work twice harder to feel myself back into controlling my thoughts#and therefore am deeply scared of the flipside of not managing to fight it#which actually make me much more empathic to characters who can't. actually.#like i have this thing where i see characters who struggles with similar issues than me and make all the wrong choices#because i pity them like i'd pity myself in the mirror on a bad day#like i'm sorry i don't want to be tmi or justify myself in such a way but i've tried just being more general#and if we're going to put personal experience into all of this i have all day#i have a trauma for all of the stuff i have lighthearted but strong opinions about#i insult Lucilius every other day i feel like it's a bit sad that the day i say i do actually like how interesting his drama is#that i have to argue for the reasons why those issues - while not erasing his flaws - are worth being emotional about#and i'm not asking you to feel this way and you should stick to how you feel bc your personal experience is what should shape your feelings#but you also need to accept that i have my own as well#ichareply#anonymous#ichafantalks gbf
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the psychology of men (a guide to understanding how they work) â ft. phainon
if nice guys didnât always screw you over, youâd have an easier time trusting that phainon isnât the good guy full of bullshit. but heâs still nice enough to patiently wait for you to give him one chance, though

word count. â¤ď¸ 10.3k words â in literally one day. ONE
before you read. â¤ď¸ female reader ; college au ; reader has a shitty ex boyfriend and trust issues â she is not perfect but she is human. be nice to her ; strangers to friends with benefits to lovers ; reader has a crush on mydei at first LOL ; mentions of alcohol and drunk sex ; phainon is a YEARNER ; resolved angst, miscommunication, and arguments ; phainon is down bad and reader is simply in denial that she is too ; cunnilingus ; unprotected vaginal sex ; creampie ; not proof read
commentary. â¤ď¸ i didnât care about this dude until today. he possessed me so hard i wrote 10k words in less than 24 hours. white hair and blue eyed freaks will do that to you
LESSON ONE: MEN ARE ALWAYS PLANNING SOMETHING. THE NICER THEY SEEM, THE MORE SINISTER THE SCHEME!
You meet Phainon for the first time while youâre freshly out of a relationship, nursing a broken heart. Your ex-boyfriend pursued you like most men do. A little too strong and a little too sweet and a little too good to be true.
(It was, in fact, too good to be true. You wish you'd seen that earlier.)
You thought youâd be telling people at your wedding one day that you knew he was âthe oneâ early on in your relationship. Instead, he dumped you as quickly as he âfell in loveâ with you. It wouldnât be right, heâd said, it just isnât fair to keep you around when I donât feel the way I used to. He leaves you with not so much as a tear of sorrow, and youâre left with the aftermath of a devastating heartbreak.Â
Not the sad, lingering kindâthis one is the sort of heartbreak that makes you hate all men. Especially the nice onesâthe ones that manipulate you into thinking theyâre the good guys who wonât turn on you, but they do. They always do. The nice guys are the ones with the most potential to turn out dangerous. They arenât upfront about their assholery. That shitty ex of yours is a prime example, and you refuse to fall victim twice.Â
Your first impression of Phainon happens in some boring college class you take just for the elective credit and an easy gpa boost. Heâs the sort of guy your attention doesnât instantly latch ontoâheâs sweet, sure, and funny but a little too gentle to be real. Too good to be true. Too much of a green flag to be interesting. Exactly the kind of guy youâre avoidingâexactly the sort of person who can worm his way into your heart slowly and lethally and then bite. Hard. (That sort of mindset is too pessimistic to be any good, of course, but youâre only just barely in your twenties as you navigate your dramatic breakup, and your prefrontal cortex is still developing.)
You find his friend a little more intriguing for the longest time, if youâre honest. The brooding blonde next to him always made your eyes linger for a second too long.Â
âHey,â he whispers, poking your shoulder from behind. You turn, slightly irritated by the fact that some guy is interrupting your dissociation in the middle of classâdoesnât he know you have false scenarios to run through your mind while you pass the time? Professor Anaxagoras has a strict no-phones-in-sight policy if you want to keep your participation points up, so the only thing to entertain you is your own head. Sheepishly, as if sensing your irritation, he murmurs, âSorry. Can I please use your laptop charger?â
âIâm using it,â you blink.Â
âYeah, but itâs almost fully charged,â he practically pleads. The puppy eyes on him are unrealâyou feel almost compelled to cave just at the sight of them alone until you realize itâs your charger, and heâs bargaining with you about why you donât need it. Absurd. âI can see the green battery sign.â
âAre you serious,â you stare at him blandly, âitâs barely twelve pm. Why is your laptop already dying anyway?â
âI charged it,â he pouts, âbut sheâs old and on her last legs. It doesnât last if I take the charger out for too longâI forgot to bring it with me. Please. If it dies in the middle of this assignment, itâll make me start over! It took me an hour to google all these answers.â
Well. Heâs convincing in that pathetic sort of way. Just the perfect mix between nice and genuine but still a tad bit needy that just tickles your gut in the right place to loosen you up. Without a word, you unplug your charger with a roll of your eyes and hand it to him as he smiles gratefully.Â
âYouâre the best!â
âYouâre pathetic,â his friend grunts to him from beside him.
âDonât be rude, Mydei!â he whispers through a wounded voice.Â
They continue to bicker back and forth, but you tune it outâthereâs only one thought on your mind for the remainder of your time in that room.Â
You spend the rest of class thinking about the deep sound of his friendâs voice to care about anything else. Fuck, you thinkâyouâre almost debating that strict no more men rule youâd set for yourself after your break up, ready to throw it all away for the grumpy looking blonde with red tips behind you. Heâs hot. And honestly, he seems a bit rude and crabby, so really, he canât be that badâand yeah, everyone would think heâs the red flag, but you know how men go. Youâve figured out their psychology. The ones who are prickly on the exterior are actually very soft inside, and theyâre not half as bad as the soft, cuddly type of men who turn around and bite you as soon as youâre close enough.Â
This guy could be different. He could be worked into devotion instead of smothering you with it early on, only to have ulterior motives and get bored. What was his name again? Mydei? Sounds decently moanable in bed, you reason. He certainly seems like a keeper.Â
Itâs not long before the lecture ends, and you walk off with all your thoughts consumed by the grumpy blonde guy who said maybe only three words that you properly heard before he possessed your mind like a fucking demon. So much so that you forget to ask for your charger back, and that clever asshole never gave it back on his own accord like a proper human being.Â
So, the next time Phainon walks into class, youâre glaring at him right at the entrance of the room with an outstretched hand and an unimpressed curl of your lips.Â
âMy charger,â you say blandly, âyou took off with it last class. I need it back.â
âOh!â he flushes, quickly digging into his bag and pulling it outâat least he kept it in very good condition. Men are not to be trusted with things you need because they are irresponsible. Case example: not returning what they borrow. âSorry,â he says earnestly, âI meant to return it, but I forgot. Which, I was thinkingâŚmaybe we should exchange numbersâyou knowâŚto contact outside of class if we ever need it.â
You blink, seeing right through him. Why else would you ever need it again? âYou walked off with my charger just so you could use it as an opening to ask for my number?â
He flushes a deeper shade of red, creeping up to his ears and down his neck like he didnât expect you to call him out on his so very blatant scheme. âW-wellâŚdid it work?â
You contemplate for a moment before you respond, âNo.â
âHow about if I throw in some assignment answers?â
ââŚOkay, fine.â You never pay attention in this classâthe tests are open notes, and the weekly assignments are easy enough when you have the internet at your disposal. But still, having someone present the answers to you is a much faster route, and you have other non-elective classes to worry about, so all in all, if a semi-annoying guy messages you here and there, itâs not so bad.
And the better part is that his friend is hot, so you can snag the details on him, too. Men donât really worry about the concept of loyaltyâthey donât stay far away from the people their friends show an interest in for something like friendship. You know how they work. Phainonâs number can lead you to Mydeiâs, and Mydei can break you free from your awful, terrible descent to madness from heartbreak, and when you inevitably have a happy, healthy, and loving relationship that lasts, youâll never think about your bastard ex again.
Foolproof.
âGreat!â Phainon beams. He hands you his phone, and you type your number in.
And that starts it all.Â
ââââââââââââââââââââââââ
LESSON TWO: SEX DOES NOT EQUAL INTIMACY. WHEN THEY SAY ITâS JUST PHYSICAL, THATâS TOTALLY FINE. BUT IF YOU SAY IT, YOUâRE OUT OF LINE!
Exchanging phone numbers with Phainon was supposed to be a simple way to have at least one contact for a classâa very important measure you should take for every class youâre inâand perhaps, if youâre lucky, you could also somehow get closer to that hot blonde friend he has named Mydei.Â
It was never supposed to become a real friendship.
But, wellâŚshit happens, and things donât go according to plan. It also doesnât help that Phainon is a consistent texterâalmost to a fault. What sort of man doesnât text sporadically and with a tone as dry as concrete? Phainon, apparentlyâwhich is not like any sort of man youâve ever known.Â
You even start sitting with him in class instead of in front of himâthatâs a terribly unplanned development. The bright side of it, however, is that you quickly get over his friend. Mydei is nice, but heâs a little too bored. Or maybe he just isnât interested in you; youâre not so sure. No amount of flirty comments gets a flush out of him, not a smirk, not even a smart retort back. He is justâŚbored. (Or maybe heâs secretly just one of those good friends who doesnât flirt with the girl that his friend is actively trying to pursue, but that option does not align with your very complex understanding of men, so you shove it aside. Heâs probably just bored, and thatâs just truly unfortunate. He was hot.)
But you grow fond of Phainon. As a friend. Sure, heâs clearly been interested in you since day one, but heâs not pushy, and a hint here and there that youâre still bitter about your previous relationship makes him keep a respectful distance. But heâs definitely smittenâand you? Well, youâre lonely. And heâs a good guy. A good guy who keeps you good company as a good friend and nothing more. He knows that, and you donât think youâre stringing him along if heâs aware that youâre nothing more than friendly.Â
And sometimes, friends go to parties together. And sometimes, they also drink together. And sometimes, they also end up staying at the otherâs apartment afterward because itâs closer and safer than trying to get back home alone. AndâŚsometimes, although not a lot of timesâbut sometimes, they wake up in bed together, nude with no recollection of the previous night and love bites scattered on their necks as proof that something very, very physical happened between them.
Itâs not always a common occurrence, but itâs certainly not a rare one. Does it complicate things? For certainâbut you think that you and Phainon are good enough friends and mature enough people to know that sex does not equate to intimacy. Most men are super clear about that, anywayâitâs almost ingrained in their nature to say âno strings attachedâ before they fuck your brains out in every position they can think to try. This should not be a foreign concept to him.Â
But it doesnât make the morning any less awkward.Â
âOh my god,â you say in disbelief, pulling the sheets over your bare chest as you stare at Phainon like heâs grown two heads. He stares back at you like youâre some figment of his imaginationâunsure if youâre real but painfully hopeful that you are. And then you take a quick glimpse around his room and realize heâs a space nerdâthereâs a poster about Saturn on his wall. âI didnât think you were into space. You seem a little too air-headed for that.â
âHey!â he pouts, âyou donât know me! I can be very smart!â
You snort, eyeing him in amusement. Except staring at him for too long means that you are forced to look at the hickey you left on his neck, almost like you were a raging, horny teenager last night and not an adult. You would be more embarrassed if one glimpse down at your chest didnât tell you that he was even worse.Â
âSoâŚâ you start awkwardly.Â
âSoâŚâ he echoes.Â
You donât know where to take it from there. Thereâs a beat of silence before you say, âWeâre good, right Phai?â
He softens, looking at you with those large, round eyes that house every shade of the sky and her beauty before he nods and murmurs, âYeah. Weâre always good.â
âGood,â you breathe, âIâm glad. I want us to be good.â
âWell,â he rubs his neck, âwe are, in fact, good. SoâŚyeah.â
In the end, you sheepishly turn around so he can get out of bed, find his scattered clothes and put them on, and leave, and youâonce youâre certain heâs far enough in the kitchen and the faucet is runningâscream into his pillow before slipping out of bed and putting on your own. Youâre pleasantly surprised he doesnât have only one pillow. But his sheets are navy blue, so you dock a few points for that. Not a good look.
He makes you breakfast before you leave. Something about sitting and sharing pancakes while he has tousled hair feels so natural you almost feel sick at the thought of leaving. But you tell yourself that heâs an easy friend to have and feel comfortable with, and force yourself up and to the door when the time inevitably comes.Â
He sees you out with a soft, âSee you later?â
âYeah,â you hum, âlater. Bye.â
âBye.â
âââââ
You wish so badly that you could be an ideal individual, but you are as flawed as the rest of the humans you share planet Earth with.
You and Phainon fuck again. Sober, this time. Still as friends. Not by accident, or through the influence of alcohol, or by forced proximity, or by anything that you can use to excuse it. You canât excuse it. Itâs entirely an act of free will that you consented toâbecause he does take consent very seriously, you learnâand it starts to become abundantly clear that sex is beginning to get a little too frequent in your time together.
The first time it happened after the initial accidental night, he was over at your apartment helping you build your new desk. The old one was too small, and you needed an upgraded space badly. He spends the evening hammering and drilling pieces away and fitting them together, and like some cliche joke from the universe, when you slip on the instruction manual on the floor, he catches you as your face hovers dangerously close to his. A kiss later, and suddenly heâs fitting into you and drilling you instead of the wood.Â
And then it starts to happen everywhere.Â
Sometimes in the back of his car before he drops you off at home after class. Sometimes on your kitchen counter when youâre supposed to be washing dishes after heâs over for dinner to study. Sometimes after heâs got a bad exam grade to blow off some steam. Sometimes when youâre particularly stressed over a busy week with too many assignments due on the same day and too many hours of your part-time job to work.Â
Every time it happens, you go back to acting like you always do afterward. Like it never even happened. Never mentioned, or questioned, or brought up. He never questions if something is shifting in your relationship, and you never bring it up. Sometimes, two people can have a physical relationship and still be friends and nothing more. Itâs not impossible, and itâs not bad.
If anything, it makes you closer friends. You start to understand each other better. You talk moreâreally talk. No silly banter, or heated debate, or stressed-out vents. Just you, Phainon, the sheets that cover your bodies and a quiet room that lingers with the scent of sex.
He tells you about how much he misses his hometown. How small it is, and how everyone knows everyone. How leaving home and his young triplet sisters was the hardest thing he did, but a good degree and stable job is even harder to come by where heâs from. He couldnât pass up the opportunity.Â
And you tell him about your ex. About how sweet and nice he was. How badly he wanted you. How good he was at doing things right and reading you for what you craved. How to love you like you always wished. How to spend time with you without burning you out and depleting your social battery. How to know your ticks and know when heâs pushing your buttons too far and when a joke doesnât feel like a joke anymore. How to make you feel seen.Â
No man has ever loved you like that. None have cared to, either. Learning you is a lot of workâyou have years and years of life and stories and feelings and fears and everythingâs to share. Teaching them is a lot. Learning them is even more.Â
You liked to think that boy from your past was a ticket to something good. Some better life for yourself where itâs not just you and yourself, and thatâs itâa life where you were you and someone else cared to see it. Have it. Cherish it. Keep it.Â
You donât know how someone could pour in so much time, do everything first, want things all on their own, and still walk away and tell you that they just donât feel the same anymore.
You think itâs just a man thing. Men bore easily.Â
Phainon snorts at that.Â
âThey do have short attention spans,â he tells you.Â
You smile tightly, humming as you blink back tears. âOr maybe Iâm just boring.â
âAw, câmon,â he gasps dramatically, reaching over to swipe the tears like itâs always been his job toâit feels so natural when he does it. âYouâre not boring! Youâre at least a step up from boring because boring is Professor Anaxa, and god knows what he drones on about.âÂ
âGee,â you huff, but the tears are easier to subside when itâs him. Theyâre gone quickly like a fleeting reminder that sorrow exists but shooed away like theyâre unwelcome when heâs around. Heâs around more and more these days. âThanks. Iâm glad to be just a step up from boring. Maybe in a year or so, Iâll be two steps up from boring.â
âNothing is ever impossible,â he winks. âSome day, with enough hard work and determination, you might even be three steps up.â
âYou suck,â you giggle.Â
He laughs, and the sound of his voice is enough to lull you to sleep. You sleep good next to himâalways do.
âââââ
One thing you count on is that itâs always easy when itâs you and Phainon. Phainon and you.Â
Just two people who exist with each other, and nothing else really needs to be thought out. You donât worry about what you wear around him or how you look. He doesnât care too much about what youâre doing or where youâre going. As long as itâs you and him, him and you, and nothing elseâitâs okay. Heâs good. He treats you good and makes you feel good, too. Inside and out. Physically and mentally.Â
He might even be your best friend. You donât know if you should tell him thatâmen get weird about definite titles like that. But then again, maybe not Phainon. Heâs like an anomaly of sorts, sometimes.Â
But you forget sometimes that Phainon was never hoping to just be friends. And you suppose letting him feel you come undone for him more than once is like dangling his desires right in front of his face because it all blows up on you very fast.Â
Perfect one second, like the calm before the storm, and a disaster zone the next, leaving you no time to evacuate before the tornado has hit and done its damage.Â
âMydei wants to come with us to try that new cafe you mentioned,â Phainon hums, watching in sheepish amusement as you sigh and mutter under your breath while picking up his dirty socks from the couch and tossing them across the room. (Men are all the same, arenât they?) âHe said something about there being a pomegranate beverage he wants to try.â
âFine by me,â you shrug, slumping onto his couch, âif he doesnât find it awkward, then I donât either.â
âWhy would he find it awkward?â he looks at you in bewilderment.
âI think heâd have to be oblivious to miss the way I was flirting with him,â you huff out a snort, âI donât think most men jump at the opportunity to hang out with a girl they ignored advances of, but maybe heâs just too passionate about pomegranate to care.â
Everything feels like it pauses as soon as the words come out. You thought heâd known this whole timeâyou could have sworn heâd known. How would Mydei have never mentioned it to him? Arenât they best friends? Donât men at least tell their friends when a girl is hitting on them regularly in passing? Is Mydei really that bad at giving life updates, or is he more clueless than you gave him credit for when it comes to romantic interaction?Â
Nothing makes sense, and youâre not entirely sure about anything. The only thing you are sure about is that Phainon is staring at you like youâve been disloyal to the worst degree.Â
âYou liked Mydei?â he asks in hurt, staring at you with those god-awful puppy eyes. You feel like you kicked one, too, with the way he stares at you.Â
âW-well, no,â you stutter, âI mean, yesâbut likeâŚnot really, you know?â
âNo, I donât know,â he shakes his head, âyouâre not making any sense.â
âI liked him for a very short time,â you say quickly, âlikeâŚlike a small crush, you know? He was attractive, and I am not immune to an attractive man, so it justâŚb-but it never lasted for long!â
âDid you still like him when we got together?â he asks quietly. Got togetherâyou physically have to stop yourself from flinching at those words. Some part of you feels a little bit bad that he sounds so wounded, but the other part of you feels like this is all so absurd. That heâs starting to get worked up over nothing. He has to know you were never togetherâyou never did anything that implies two people that areâŚtogether. Itâs always been a good fuck here and there, and thatâs what you kept it as strictly.Â
(Distantly, your mind gnaws at you and screams that two people who just fuck and nothing else do not do the things that you and Phainon do. Sure, you were friends first, but two people who draw the line at sex donât seek each other to FaceTime until three am, and they donât bring each other soup when theyâre sick, and they donât hold each other when they cry, and they donât, under any circumstances, tell each other about their deepest insecurities that theyâve never voiced before about shoddy exes who ruined their ability to trust and feel loved. You canât be the closest people in your lives and just have sexâbut your mind has never been your number one supporter, so you shove the voice down.)
âNo,â you admit, and for a second, his shoulders sag in relief. Like he doesnât care or feel threatened that you liked his friend as long as it didnât bleed into your time togetherâand thatâs when you start to wonder if Phainon is too good for you. Too kind and genuine in a way that is not dangerous. Too sweet in a way that doesnât slowly kill you like poison but just gives you something to look forward to. Maybe heâs a good oneâa good guy who is just good and nothing else. Still, you kill his heart anyway with a harsh blow to his chest as you add, âI didnât like anyone when we started getting physical. And I still donât, Phainon.â
Getting physical. Whatever that means. You say it like it puts some distance between the sex you have and intimacy. You say it like it rationalizes everything you do with himâyou get physical, which is only human nature, and in the mix, if you develop a good, long-standing friendship, then there is nothing wrong with that.Â
But are you really okay with just friends? Yes. You are. Are you sure about that? Absolutely. You donât seem so convinced. This is a positive, for sure, one hundred percent true reality. Phainon is just a friend. Youâre shooting yourself in the foot.Â
You force yourself to stop arguing with yourself when you notice the way his eyes flash at the words: still donât. He processes the words that you still donât like anyone, and the look in his eyes is devastating. Betrayal. Confusion. Hurt. Anger. Something else that you donât quite understand, but it makes you filled dreadfully to the brim with unease.Â
âEvery time weâve been together has just been physical to you?â he asks quietly, croaking out the words as if theyâre acrid on his tongue and taste awful. âYouâre lying.â
âI thought I made it very clear we were just friends, and I wasnât looking for a relationship,â you furrow your brows, âyou canât act like Iâve been stringing you alongââ
âBefore we started, fucking, sure! But I thought it was pretty mutually clear we were slowly turning romantic when you willingly took my dick down your throat every now and then.â
âWeâve never had a âhey, what are we?â discussion,â you cry exasperatedly, throwing your hands up as though this is allâŚso, so, so absurdâand for a second, you feel like it is. You made it clear that you werenât trying to date. Not him, not anybody. Sure, that silly blonde friend of his clouded your judgment for a bit, but that was never more than a phase. âDonât you think it was a red flag to never discuss what we are or what weâre doing if we were getting romantic?â
He falters. Something in his face makes him look so unrecognizable. So fragile and knocked down a peg that youâve never seen from him. And something about the way he looks at you makes you almost feel like he doesn't recognize you.Â
âI thought you were avoiding the conversation on purpose,â he whispers, voice cracking just as he says: you. âI thoughtâŚI thought you were just nervous about labels after everything from your lastâŚâ he clears his throat, like even mentioning the word relationship kills him, âandâŚand that I was just waiting for you to be more comfortableâŚâ
You donât know what to say. And frankly, nothing seems like itâll make him feel better. Heâs fighting the trembling of his lips and blinking back the moisture in his eyes like all he has left in his control is to not shed tears in front of you.Â
You extend him that much grace. (Men donât like being vulnerable, you reason. They hate showing emotions.)
âPhainon, I think I should go,â you murmur softly.
âYou want to leave?â he asks, gutted. Itâs got two meaningsâyou know that. You know exactly what heâs asking.
Everything feels wrong when you say, âYes,â through a soft whisper, âI do.â But you still donât take it back.
And nothing feels right when he lets out a watery chuckle and lets the first few tears slip. âWell, you know where the door is,â he spits.
He doesnât walk you out. Youâre not sure why that feels so heavyâitâs not because youâre guilty. You know that. Itâs something else, and you canât quite understand it.Â
ââââââââââââââââââââââââ
LESSON THREE: NOT ALL MEN. SURE, MOST HAVE A VERY BAD STREAK, BUT NEVER THE WHITE-HAIRED AND BLUE-EYED FREAK!
You barely last two weeks before you call Phainon.Â
At first, you thought being without who is maybe your closest friend at the moment was just eating away at you, and thatâs why you missed him. You threw yourself into your social circles, making plans left and right to fill that gaping hole of his presence. It didnât work.Â
And then it slowly starts to click in place.Â
Your friends send you a picture of your exâs new fling, calling him an asshole and how sheâs too pretty to be his next victim. You donât feel even the slightest bit jealous or hollow. In fact, youâre bored by the newsâyou have more pressing matters.Â
Then, you start to see what feels like fucking propaganda for romance everywhere. Every social media timeline is filled with some stupid, cheesy, cringe trend that rubs in your face how painfully in love two people are. You get ads for fucking wedding rings. Your friends are all magically starting to get out of the talking phases and actually have something exclusive and official. Your old high school friends are getting engaged, and invitations are coming in. Youâve RSVPâd one in spring and two in fall already.Â
Everywhere you look, itâs something that feels like the universe is promoting a relationship in your face as if itâs a poorly disguised paid sponsorship by some celebrity online, and all you want to do is throw a rock at the sky and hope it lands on whatever divine being is playing tricks on you straight in the face.Â
But it slowly becomes clearer and clearer why it unsettles you so much. Why it all makes you bitter and annoyed and tired andâŚand sad. Youâre sad. And itâs because you miss Phainon, and every couple reminds you of the hurt you caused him and why itâs your fault heâs still not in your life. Because you wanted your cake and to eat it, too. Even if it meant taking advantage of his feelings and the heart he didnât even bother wearing on his sleeve. He just pinned it to yours and let you wear it.Â
So you call him. When that doesnât work, and you get sent to voicemail, you go straight to his apartment. You knock on his door incessantly for two minutes straight (you know heâs homeâhis car is there) before he opens the door, rubbing sleep from his eyes despite it being three in the afternoon.Â
âMydei, can you at least come bother me to eat a little later in the daâoh.â
He notices you and quickly straightens up, smoothing out his wrinkled t-shirt as best as he can and fixing his ruffled hair (that doesnât do much but ruffle more) as he looks at you with what is his best attempt at a nonchalant look and clears his throat. âYes?â
âHi,â you say nervously, âhow are you?â (What else do you say? Youâre at a loss.)
âOh, you know,â he shrugs casually, ânursing a broken heart and trying to integrate back into society as a functioning member. The usual. How about you?â
You flinch at his tone, at the way itâs so clipped yet so emotional at the same time.Â
âI called earlierââ
âI know. I ignored that, by the way, if that wasnât clear,â he says as if being petty and angry is the only thing he has left. (It might just be, and you certainly wonât blame him for it.)
âI know,â you whisper, âbut I still wanted to talk. And see you. Which I know I donât deserve, but I guess Iâm clearly not perfect, huh?â you shrug softly, giving him a sad smile.Â
âWell,â he says flatly, âyou came all this way, and Iâve already opened the door. Might as well say the groundbreaking thing you came to say.â
When Phainon is hurt is the only time he does not know how to be kind. He spends so much time not hurting others, not letting them feel the pain of their feelings being overlooked, that he doesnât quite know how to handle it. How to stomach that, yes, there are hurt people in this world, and, yes, they do the hurting, too. And he might fall victim to it. And he might even be the cause of someone elseâs hurt, too, intentional or not.Â
Heâs not good at processing pain. Heâs too good of a guy to ever have to dwell on how badly his actions have impacted someone. Not because heâs perfect but because heâs gentle enough by nature to avoid the necessity of it while he can.Â
âIâm sorry,â you say earnestly. Because you are. You are. âI knew you were interested early on, and having sex as often as we did was leading you on whether I meant to or not, and you got hurt because of it, so Iâm sorââ
âUnbelievable,â he scoffs, shaking his head with a bitter laugh.Â
You blanch. âWhat?â you ask, mildly frustrated. He doesnât have to forgive you, but itâs certainly an honest apology. âYou donât have to forgive me if you donât want to. But I just felt it was right to tell you that Iââ
âIâm not upset because you donât like me or you that led me on,â he interrupts, making you blink in confusion. He looks at you for a momentâreally looks at you, and before you can say anything, he lets out another disbelieving chuckle. âYou still donât get it, do you? Do you even understand it yourselfâwhy youâre even here?â
âTo apologize, of courseââ
âNo.âÂ
He says it so seriously.Â
Phainon is hardly ever so serious. Itâs what you always liked about him, even if you hated to admit it. Heâs good at taking serious matters and making them feel like theyâre not so serious. Not in a bad wayâheâs just good at making them feel less soul-crushing with that carefree smile and those light-hearted words. He comforts you without ever letting you feel the shame of needing comfort. Itâs nice.
You forget that even he is capable of being solemn.Â
âNo one apologizes for breaking someoneâs heart unless it breaks theirs tooâdo you see that? Do you see that you care? Iâm not upset that you donât care about me or that you donât feel the same. That would be easy to move on from. It kills me because you doâyou care, and you feel exactly the way I do, and you just wonât admit itâdo you know how much that sucks?â
You swallow thickly. Itâs getting to that dangerous territory. That fragile, vulnerable place in your mind that you donât like because then you have to admit that, yes, maybe you fucking fell hard and crashed onto the ground for Phainon. Asphalt and rocks still digging into your arms with raw and bleeding skin. Yes, maybe heâs that nice, kind, genuine guy who you fell for and who has no other motives than to spend his time being nice and genuine to you. And maybe, if youâd met him sooner and not later, you could have loved him and not some other asshole in disguise, pretending to parade around like a good man, like some wolf in sheepâs clothing.Â
Maybe that would have saved you the constant fear of it inevitably going all wrongâof giving and giving and giving, and one day, even thatâs not enough, and someone doesnât even want to take from you anymore. That one day, someone doesnât even find you worth taking advantage of.Â
That stings.
Itâs this twisted sort of rejection you canât handle. This sickening sort of feeling makes you think itâs better to be needed for selfish reasons than to be discarded like a useless, meaningless waste of time. And Phainon wouldnât take advantage of you, right? Heâs too nice of a guyâheâd reel you in, make you think he wants you so, so badly, and then when he doesnât, heâll play that nice guy trick again and make you think heâs doing you a favor by letting you go. Letting you go so youâre not being used by making it known youâre unwanted and not enough.Â
As if he didnât spend so much time making you want him. Condition you into thinking being loved by him was such a treasure. Convince you into needing the devotion he hands so easily for free.Â
But youâre wrong, arenât you? Maybe heâs not like that at allâmaybe heâs just a nice guy because he really is good. Maybe heâs not nice because he needs to be to get what he wants. Maybe heâs nice because he wants to be, and it earns him what he wants the honorable way. Maybe youâve fallen for Phainon, and maybe you were wrong about that being a bad thing. And maybe you just really fucking hate to admit when youâre wrong. (Your prefrontal cortex is still developing, after all. The men of your past are not very helpful to that slow development.)
âI donât know how I feel anymore,â you whisper, tears littering your eyes. And god, you feel like a witchâusing those sad, doe eyes with the wet, teary gaze that you know will soften him up like butter. Because he does. Even if you donât do it on purpose, it makes sure he softens right up in front of your face because he hates the sight of your sadness being so tangible that he can feel it on the pad of his thumb in the form of a wet, warm rivulet.Â
Like clockwork, he wipes the tears and sighs, and you let out a shaky breath.Â
âI donât know how I feel about anything because every time I think my feelings are right, theyâre fucking wrong,â you sob, âI am always wrong, and I donât know how to stop being wrong.â
His arms wrap around you and pull you close, pressing your body flush against that sturdy chest that feels like a brick wallâstrong enough to keep you away from all the harm and cruelty of the world around you as long as he stands in front of you. Sometimes, you think thatâs all it takes. Just Phainon standing there, and thatâs it. Thatâs it to be okay.Â
âYou can only stop being wrong once youâre right,â he hums, giving you a sad, innocent little smile, âisnât that the whole point of it all? To find the person whoâs right? Thereâs gotta be a few wrong answers here and there, donât you think?â
âI donât want to keep crying over the wrong answers,â you sniffle, âitâs dehydrating me.â
He laughs. It sounds good. It feels good, too, with the way his chest rumbles against you. He always does. Everything about him is just good. The way he smells, and feels, and sounds, and just is. Phainon is just good. You like just goodâno catches, no curveballs, no fine print. Just good.Â
âHey,â he tilts your face up and presses his forehead to yours, wiping your tears valiantly still, even as they keep coming. And heâs hurt. You did thatâyou hurt him. But he seems more focused on the fact that your heart is crumbling than his own. âI canât promise you wonât ever cry because of meâIâm not always the brightest, okay? But I can promise that Iâm going to stay and wipe every last tear if I mess up. And then Iâm going to keep staying. I will always stay so I can wipe the next round of tears and hydrate you again for your troubles. Weâll figure out the rest as we go. It doesnât have to be perfect, yeah?â
âYou donât want it to be?â you snivel, âyou seem like the type to hopelessly daydream about perfect romances with not much luck.â
âIâm going to let that dig slide because you are emotional right now, and we all say things we donât mean when weâre emotional,â he rubs your back, rocking you slowly from side to side.Â
AndâŚwell, you think youâre wrong. About him. About Phainon and now heâs nice in a way thatâs too nice and too good to be true. Youâre wrong because heâs just nice, and itâs just nice enough that itâs good, not deviousâand for once, just this once, you donât mind being wrong.
Not if itâs for him.Â
âIâm sorry,â you whisper, âfor being confused and scared and unable to realize I care about you. I will get some help or something to be a functioning member of society.â
âWell, when you find help, hook me up,â he snorts, âbecause I need it, too. Youâve done a number on me.â
Youâre both laughing. And then, at some point, youâre both kissing. His lips are on yours, and yours are on his, and itâs just a mix of each other that feels less like itâs right and more like nothing about it was ever wrong in the first place. Sometimes, it doesnât have to be right as long as itâs just not wrong. Sometimes, thatâs enough to keep things going. Sometimes, they become right along the way, all on their own.Â
You cup his cheeks, making him pause his assault on your lips against his will as he lets out a soft noise of protest deep in his throat. Youâll fall hopelessly harder for him because of that laterâfirst, you have more pressing matters.Â
âIâm serious,â you whisper, âIâm sorry. Youâre right. I do care about youâso much that it scares me. I care about you and I promise this time Iâm going to stay and keep caring. So be ready.â
âIâm ready,â he smiles, all wobbly lips and a shaky voice and trembling fingertips. They dig into your hips as his head buries into your neck, and you hold himâlatch onto him and clutch his shirt because feeling him is all that ever felt good, and you donât think you can stomach letting it go a second time. âI am so ready to be the only thing you care about.â
âMaybe not the only thingââ
âDid you hear that? That weird crack sound? Thatâs the sound of my heart breaking a second time. Any more, and Iâll be collecting shards off the floor.â
âCâmere loser,â you laugh, grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him into a hard, deliberate kiss that knocks the wind out of both of you. It makes your stomach twist and form knots and thereâs this weird tickle in your chest that feels like youâre about to implode. Phainon is so good at thatâat making you feel so, so unwell but well at the same time. Youâre sick and nauseous from how badly you want him, but nothing else feels right until you have him.Â
So you wrap your arms around him, pressing nearer, closer, harder up against him and kissing him until both of you are gasping for breath in between every press of your mouths together. Your hands find his hair, carding through it wildly and pulling on the strands when he nips at your lips, and when he groans into your mouth at a particularly harsh tug, you know itâs starting to become a scene that should not be happening at his front door where anyone can pass by. Â
âInside?â he pants, pulling away for just long enough to say the word.
You kiss him hard once more, making him groan again before you decide that, yes, it probably needs to move indoors. âInside,â you breathe, labored and unsteady, ânowânow, please.â
âWhatever you want,â he chuckles, âyou donât have to beg. You always get what you wantâdonât I always give it to you?â
âThen quit talking and give it to me.â
That shuts him up really fast. With a dark glint in his eyes, he pulls you in, closing the door swiftly and pressing you against it. Youâre cagedânothing but him, you, and the throbbing ache between your legs that seems to be a common denominator between the two of you.Â
âI want you so bad,â he groans, kissing your neck, inhaling your scent along your sweet, delicate skin, âwant you so bad I never want you gone. Donât ever leave.â
âI wonât,â you gasp as he bitesâand itâs a little hard. A little mean almost, but he kisses it better with a soft peck afterward that you forgive him on the spot and melt. âI wonât.â
âGood,â he hums, nose trailing along the column of your neck before he drags it along your jaw, kissing the corner of your mouth before he murmurs, âbut Iâll make it hard to walk away this time just for safe measures.â
It feels like a literal and metaphorical promise. Before you can even respond to his cheekiness, he has your mouth hostage againâkissing and groaning into it enough that you have no choice but to soften and become pliant under him. You swallow up his sounds as the bulge in his pants presses against your own heat, the slow, desperate pressure of him grinding against you, making you shiver against the door.Â
Goodâhe always feels so good. Everything about Phainon is always so damn good.Â
âFeel that?â he croons, gasping as you roll your hips in tandem with his own movements, âfeel how hard I am for you? Youâre telling me anyone else will want you this bad? No one. Iâm it for you. Iâm not giving you up. Ever.â
His voice is a low, almost dangerous promiseâand if you werenât dripping at your core from the sound of him alone, youâd be less than inclined to admit that you like the sound of that. But you do, donât you? You want him to want you so badly, so desperately, that the thought of letting you go makes him his own worst enemy. And he does, doesnât he? He wants you so badly that youâre almost scared.Â
But you like it. Love it, even. You fucking love that he needs you, and you want him to need you so badly he might just die without you.Â
âDonât,â you whisper, lifting the bottom of his shirt up to his shoulders. He lets go just long enough to pull his arms up and let you take it off of him, tossing it to the ground before your fingers run your nails along the hard plane of his abs. He shivers, letting out a soft, barely-there sound at the feeling. âDonât let me go. Ever.â
âWhatever you want, princess,â he grins. Phainon leans in again, kissing you impatiently like being away from you for that short period of time was enough to have him on edge. Maybe it does because he only melts and relaxes when his lips are against yours again. His fingers trail to the edge of your pants, toying with the waistband as you quiver at the feeling of his rough fingertips rubbing against the skin of your belly.Â
âNeed you,â you whine.
âYou got me,â he reassures, âjust wanna take my time, yeah? You can handle that, canât you? Let me have a little fun with you so I cheer up before I fuck you right against this door?â
You whimper. Heâs mean sometimes, too. Heâs so, so nice, but sometimes, itâs like a switch flips, and heâs mean. Not cruelâjust teasingly mean to keep you on your toes and have you falling apart for him. Itâs so mean, but itâs so careful and thoughtful and meant just for youâlike he thinks only about you.Â
âJust hold onto me, okay, baby?â he asks gently, pecking your lips, âIâve got you. I wonât let you fall.â
Before you can even ask what that means, he drops down to his knees, spreading yours and pulling your pants and underwear down in one go, helping them off your legs as they get thrown somewhere in the back along with his shirt. You realize exactly why you need to hold on as soon as a finger prods your entrance, splitting your folds open as he peers into them and hums at the way youâre wet and slick. You gasp, grabbing onto the nearest thingâwhich happens to be his hair as he chuckles.Â
âEasy,â he murmurs, âI hardly did anything yet. But donât worry, you can pull if you needâI donât mind.â
Just like that, his mouth is between the apex of your thighs, tongue tracing your sweet, precious little clit before he licks a stripe along your folds, humming against your cunt and sending vibrations as you mewl at the feeling.Â
âPh-PainonâŚfuckââ
He hooks a leg over his shoulder, letting you half sit on him as he props you up and devours you. Devours you like you were the only thing on his mind. Like he was starved and dying in this apartment, and the only thing to sustain him is you. His tongue dips past your folds and fucks into you before pulling away just as quickly and flicking over your clit. Two fingers gently prod at your entrance this timeâonly they donât tease you. No, instead, they fill you up and slip into you as far as they go, curling into a sweet, sweet spot in your walls that has your knees wobbling.Â
You think you will fall for a moment. You think holding onto his hair and tugging him so harshly is not going to keep you steady, and the weight he takes as he props you up on a shoulder, is not going to hold you.
But he makes good on his promise. He doesnât let you fall or slip for even a fraction, even as your legs get weaker and your orgasm draws nearer.Â
ââM close, Phaiâs-so close,â you whimper.Â
He pulls away. With a smug, stupid little grin, he looks up at you as you stare down in disbelief. âSay you care about me.â
âWhat is wrong with youââ
âAh ah, thatâs not what the magic words are!â
âPhainonââ
âThatâs not a bad guess, but still not the right answer!â
âFucking hell,â you hiss, âI care about you, asshole.â
âA little more aggressive than necessary, but I will accept it,â he hums, rewarding you with a soft kiss to your clit. âNow tell me you know I care about you. That I want you, and I want to stay.âÂ
âPhainon,â you plead, âplease, canât we do this later?â
âNo,â he says firmly, âbecause then itâs just getting physical, and I am not getting physical. I am getting intimate. Tell me what I want to hear so thereâs no mistaking things.â
Heâs throwing your words right back at your face. And the only way youâre going to get what you want is if you own up to them, even if itâs against your will. So you do. With an exasperated sigh, you tell him what he wants to hear.
âI know you care about me,â you say impatiently, âI know you care, and you want me, and you want to stay, and god knows youâre not good at leaving me alone, so I guess I will just have to get used to you.â
âAtta girl,â he murmurs, giving your clit one more kiss before heâs back to lapping at your cunt like heâs parched. Your slick coats his chin and makes his skin glisten as he traces your clit with his tongue, curling his fingers just right into your heat. They brush against that spot againâhe has it perfectly memorized, and just like that, you fall apart, gushing around his fingers and coating his lips with even more of your essence.Â
âFuck,â you sob, grinding against his face as you ride out the shockwaves of pleasure, feeling him groan against you right where you need him.Â
He lets you stay like that for just a moment, resting half your weight on his shoulder and half your weight on one leg before he abruptly stands and grabs your waist, hoisting you up as your legs wrap around his hips. Youâve done this beforeâat that point, youâd considered it just any other step to getting physical with someone.Â
Now, you realize you were beyond oblivious to how much you needed it to only be him you were doing all these motions with. It almost feels silly.Â
âIâve changed my mind,â he grins.
âWhat?â
âI donât want you against the door anymore. I want you on the bedâmy bed. And youâre staying there, and youâre going to like it.â
You laugh, breaking into a fit of giggles as he jogs over to his room with you in his arms. And when he drops you unceremoniously only to the bed, flopping on top of you and attacking your neck with kisses, you canât help but break into another fit of giggles, feeling his playful nibbles and licks against your skin. It feels so easy. So natural. Only with Phainon, you realize. Only ever with Phainon.Â
âHi,â you breathe when his forehead presses to yours.Â
He gives you a bright, toothy grin, murmuring, âHi, yourself, pretty.â
And then he's kissing you again. His lips are soft and slow this time around. Pressing against your mouth, slotting into the space like itâs his to fit intoâand it is. Itâs always been his, whether you were willing to admit it or not. His tongue glides against yours languidly, no rush or impatience or desperation like usual. This time, he kisses you like youâre his and always have beenâlike he knows what you taste and feel like, and he knows itâs always been his and always will be. He kisses you like heâs reminding you of it, one painstakingly slow second at a time.Â
âYou broke my fucking heart,â he murmurs against your mouth, voice raw and vulnerable but never not soft, âyou know that? You broke my fucking heart.â
Your hand presses against his chest, feeling the erratic beating of it under your palm as you whisper, âSeems like itâs working perfectly well to me.â
He chuckles at that. Lets out another toothy grin before he tilts his head back and laughs. Itâs cute and precious and so fucking sweetâhe sounds just like what he is. Tooth rotting sweet.
âYouâre always so smart with your words,â he drawls, pressing wet, hot, open-mouthed kisses along your jaw.
One hand slowly pulls your shirt up, inch by inch, before you slowly help him take it off of you. The bra comes off next, and youâre bareâunder him as nothing else but his. Nothing else that covers or keeps whatâs his away from him.Â
And when you eye his pants with a petulant, pouty look, he chuckles before throwing you an amused look as he takes them off slowly, not taking his eyes off of you.
You and Phainon have fucked. But youâve never been intimateânot by the real standards, at least. The proper kind where you take the time to really take in each otherâs bodies, commit each dip and curve to memory, know it inside out and like the back of your hand. Where that scar starts and ends from his childhood shenanigans, where your little moles scatter along your body in hidden crevices. And when he slowly frees his cock, and you can really stare without having to tell yourself you shouldn't, you take a good look.Â
You take a good look at the flush of his pretty cockâpretty, just like the rest of him. A nice, soft, muted pink at the tip that oozes with the beginnings of pre cum, and itâs sensitive as it twitches under your delicate thumb when you smear the dribbling essence along the head of his cock.Â
âMmh,â he makes a soft noise in the back of his throat, fluttering his eyes closed and panting as you touch him. Feel him. Want him.Â
You finally want him, and itâs almost enough to make him spill into your hand alone. But he forces himself to composure, grabbing your hand and pinning it over your headâand then goes the other. He holds them in place with one large hand, watching as you squirm under him impatiently.Â
âNo touching,â he whispers, âfirst, Iâm gonna teach you not to take me for granted. Then youâll never want to take your hands off of me.â
âIf you just ask me nicely, Iâll never take my hands off of you,â you offer.Â
He laughs, boyish and charming and so fucking smooth, you feel something flutter at the base of your stomach. Something stirring in your guts and twisting them inside out in anticipation. âPersuasive,â he hums, âbut I still have to teach you not to take me for granted.â
When the tip of his cock brushes against your entrance, your wrists struggle against his hands to break free. You need to feel himâto know heâs there against you and real. To feel his hair and tug and hear him groan in response. To scratch along his back and feel his warm, damp skin, the way he shivers under the pain and likes it. To pull him closer and feel him practically melt against you at the gesture.Â
You want to feel him. Because you need to know heâs yours. And you never, ever want to take for granted Phainon again. Your Phainon. The nice, sweet, gentle boy who stole your charger for a day to get your number. Who knew before you knew, long before you were ever willing to know, that he would love you. Even when you didnât want to, he did it from a distance. And when he thought you finally would, that youâd finally let it happen, he still did it quietly, stripped of labels and titles even though he wanted to announce it to the world.Â
For you. Everything was always for you.Â
âPlease, Phai,â you plead, âplease, please, pleaseâlet me touch you.â
âYeah? You want that, huh?â he grins, pretending to think for a moment before he hums, âtell me why.â
âSo I can feel you and know youâre mine,â you lean up and breathe against his ear, âdonât you want to be mine?â
Itâs a silly question. Itâs all heâs ever wanted, so he gives it to you easily. Lets your hands go and lets them wander over his sculpted body as he sinks deeper into youâno more taking his sweet time to draw out the teasing. Heâs impatient nowâjust as impatient as you. Maybe even more. Heâs been waiting longer than you have to make this happen. To take you and make you his and have you admit that heâs yours, too.Â
âFuck,â he groans as he sinks the final few inches of this thick, girthy length, âfuck youâre so fucking tight. You feel that? Feel me? How deep I am?â
âYes,â you mewl, âyesâso deep. F-feel so full. You feel so good.â
He groans at that, pulling out almost completely before slamming his hips into yours, cock burying deep into you and burying to the hilt. The tip of his sensitive length kisses against that sweet, delicate spot against your wallsâyour spot that he knows and memorizes so easily.Â
He knows you. Knows your body. Heâs felt it so many times under him and made it react for him the way he wants, but finallyâfucking finally, it reacts to him and only him. He knows itâs him and only him. Only ever will be if he has anything to say about it.Â
âGod, you drive me insane. So insane, you know that?â he grunts, rolling his hips hard and fast and drilling into you like he has something to prove. Every slam of his hips and every brush of his cock along your sensitive folds makes you pull him closer, kissing him hungrilyâdesperately. So needy.Â
You need him. Youâve always needed thisâsomeone to want you and need you and find you worth it to stay. How could you think Phainon didnât want to stay when he was so clearly happy with just pieces of you because you didnât want to give the full of you? When he stayed and stayed and stayed and happily took the little shards you dropped, even if they were sharp, and cut his fingers because they were pieces of you. When he was just happy to have you whichever way you let him because it was you.Â
All he wanted was you. You get that now. Youâre not going to forget.Â
ââM close,â you pant, breathing against his mouth, âg-gonna cum. With meâŚwith me, please.â
âYeah? Whatever you want, princess,â he groans.Â
His hand moves to find your clit, rubbing quick circles as his own pace quickens, and you can feel the telltale signs that both of you are not going to last much longer. He lets out a particularly deep, sharp thrustâand youâre gone.Â
Plummeting off the edge in a hazy fall. You mewl his name, chanting it over and over and over as your walls constrict around him tightly. Spasm around him uncontrollably. And your fall coaxes him into his own. He falls into his release with a soft, drawn-out moan of your name, hot, thick seed filling you up through quick ropes of cum. His cock twitches with each rope, painting your insides white with him.Â
âYou feel so good,â he rasps, âso fucking goodâyou were made for me. Only me. KnewâŚknew you were perfect for me since the first day.â
You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him as close as he can get without physically merging into your bones. His head tucks into your neck, and you both ride out the aftershocks of your highs. You feel him breathe, and he listens to your soft breaths, and itâs just you and Phainon. Phainon and you.
It always has been.
âDonât leave,â he mumbles tiredly after a while, sleepy words said through a petulant warning.Â
You chuckle, kissing his sweaty forehead as you promise, âI wonât.â
âGood. Wonât let you.â
âGood. Donât.â
Your own eyes start to grow heavy with exhaustion, slowly fluttering closed untilâ
âWhoâs that?â you look at him in confusion as you hear an incessant knocking on the door.Â
He chuckles sheepishly, rubbing his neck. âAh,â he sighs, âright. ThatâsâŚthatâs just Mydei. Heâs coming to make sure I eat instead of starving to death from sadness.â
You blink, and then you throw your head back, laughing loudly. He watches you for a moment, smiling softly at the sound of you flooding his space. âYouâre hopeless, Phainon.â
âAm not!â
âGo tell Mydei to leave and that youâre alive.â
â...Okay.â
Idk what this is. Itâs 10k words of pure babbling and hardly a single coherent thought. Iâm sorry dfksksjr this isnât my best work but . I needed to get him out of my system
I also think writing a reader that is younger than me and navigates life and its challenges through a less mature and experienced lens was a fun project. She is not perfect but she is certainly a human who is trying her best and wants to be loved and I think thatâs endearing
#meowdei.writing#meowdei.longfics#hsr x reader#hsr x you#phainon x reader#phainon x y/n#phainon x you#phainon smut#phainon angst#phainon fluff#hsr x y/n#hsr smut#honkai star rail x reader#honkai star rail x you#honkai star rail smut
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City Pigeons Bleed Green, Part 5
WC:1063, Masterpost
CW: dissociation, self esteem issues, (past) dehumanization, referenced torture and experimentation
Danny flinched, again.
He felt bad for it, Red Robin was being as careful as possible sliding the rubber fabric between the collar and Dannyâs skin, but it was just that having hands on the collar like that freaked Danny out. He closed his eyes and mentally ran through the numbers of pi. He used to know over a hundred of them. Now he was only certain of about seventy-six or so. There were a lot of things that used to be so much clearer in his memory than they were now.
âJust the overlap now,â Red (the others just called him Red), said.
He flinched again as Red pressed lightly against his neck to overlap the fabric, but the hands pulled away after.
âDo you need a little break?â the other one, Nightwing, asked.
âNo. I just want this off, please,â Danny begged. He had gotten used to begging in the last year. Years?
âWeâll get it off,â Red said confidently.
Danny tried to trust that. He kept his eyes closed.
A gloved hand slipped into Dannyâs, giving him something to cling to other than the sheets. Danny recoiled at the touch at first, but when the hand started to pull away, Danny twisted their fingers together and held on tightly. He didnât open his eyes to see whoâs hand he was holding.
As Red started to work on the collar, Danny couldnât help but tense. Heâd been shocked by it so many times. He was like Pavlovâs dog, collar and all, he thought bitterly.
âAlmost there,â Red warned.
Danny could tell the instant that the seal of the collar was broken. It was like moving a limb that had fallen asleep, but the pins and needles were everywhere, inside and out. It was agonizing.
It was a relief.
A damp cloth was dabbing under his nose.
He blinked rapidly and Nightwing came into focus. The hero looked so concerned.
âWhaâŚâ Danny croaked.
âNose bleed,â Nightwing explained. He folded the cloth and set it aside.
Moving slowly (though Danny still struggled to follow the motion) Nightwing reached out and places his hands on either side of Dannyâs face. Gently, he tilted it this way and that. âYou didnât exactly lose consciousness, but you⌠went somewhere else.â
âI do that, I think,â Danny said. The hands started to pull away and Danny swayed after them. One returned to help keep him upright. Dannyâs eyes fluttered closed. âIt was easier⌠to be away than there.â
The thumb stroked gently across Dannyâs cheek.
He could feel himself tearing up. When was the last time he had been touched with kindness? Why was he now? They didnât know what he was, thatâs why.
âYouâre safe here, I promise. You donât have to go away anymore.â
-
Jason looked up from the cutting board when Dick came out of the bedroom. Dick did his best to offer his brother a smile as he took a seat on one of the slightly rickety stools at the kitchen counter.
âHow is he?â Jason asked. He had swapped his helmet for just a domino. (To Dick it was a pretty clear sign that Jason has already claimed the kid as theirs.)
âBetter. The nose bleed stopped and he was fully conscious again,â Dick said. âHe says he does that, goes away like that. It sounds like it was a defense mechanism for whatever those bastards put him through.â
âFucking hell,â Jason muttered.
âYeah. Iâll let the others know so that anyone looking over him knows to watch out for it. Especially if anyone takes him out shopping or anythingâŚâ
âRight,â Jason said with a grimace, clearly picturing how badly that could go.
Dick just gave a little nod. He dragged the table that Tim must have been using close and opened it to check on the rest of the family.
âYou, me, and Cass?â Jason asked a few minutes later.
âWhat?â
âOne of us three should always be here, right? Or Babs if we move to a different safe house.â
Dick hummed thoughtfully. âThereâs something to be said for moving safe houses if the kid plans to wait awhile before wanting to see Bruce.â
This safe house was bearable, but it really was one of their worse ones. It didnât even had a table to eat at or a television. They could deal with the one bedroom and a couch, but Dick got the feeling there would be a lot of Bats stopping by whenever possible and that it wouldnât quite cut it.
âWe can see how Kid is tomorrow after rest and food,â Jason said. âIf heâs up to being in a car with us we can easily move to any of them.â
âMaybe the one on Rosserie Street?â
âWhich one is that?â
âUpper East Side.â
âAh, yeah,â Jason said with a little nod, pushing the things off his cutting board and into the large pot on the stove. âThat one would work. More space and better stuff.â
âThatâs what I was thinking,â Dick said. It was one of their apartments set up for a long term hideout if one of them was too injured to be seen in public or supposedly out of town as cover. âAnd big enough beds people can share.â
Jason snorted. âIâll stick to the couch. The demon brat kicks.â
âDo you think heâll stop by?â Dick asked as he picked at the thick rubber case on the tablet.
With a heavy sigh, Jason crossed his arms and leaned a hip against the counter. âYeah, I think he will. I think heâll need to, for his own sake. Iâd rather it be when you were here, youâre the only one of us who can really control him if he gets⌠territorial.â
âHeâs been better,â Dick pointed out.
âThis is different and you know it. This is blood, even if itâs green. Hell, it being green might actually make it worse.â
Dick groaned and let his head thunk onto the tablet. âYeah⌠Iâll talk with him and try to get B and A to also.â
âYeah,â Jason said and reached over to pat Dick on the back.
Why did being a the oldest have to be so exhausting? And now there was another one. Not that Dick would trade any of them away, but he could really use a vacation, a drink, and a long nap.
I no longer tag, but you can subscribe to the masterpost.
---
AN: Dick really really wants to hug Danny but is really really afraid of scaring him. Don't worry, he'll get hugs.
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crashing out over hiroaki nakamigawa being genuinely the best bpd rep i have ever seen in media. iâve been in this fandom for barely 3 weeks now but heâs already come to mean so much to me as a character and iâm so so attached to him, like i will never stop being amazed by tetro danganronpa and how honest it is when it comes to underrepresented topics that are an uncomfortable reality for so many people that never really get to feel seen that way.
(impassioned analytical rambling & tons of spoilers âŹď¸)
so many things that often get glossed over in fiction or get left implied are CONFRONTED in tetro, bluntly and unapologetically, while showing the consequences in a way thatâs so raw but still so empathetic. especially things like the less âpalatableâ aspects of disabilities, like how dissociation is fucking annoying and severely inhibits your life and makes people see you as helpless when you cant even do anything about it with ojima, and how humiliating it can be to ask for help even when you really REALLY need it with kamimura. especially gendered issues like misogyny in teen girlsâ home lives and being forced to grow up too quick with watari, male relationship abuse, its normalization & dismissal, and its effects on self esteem (not to mention when combined with child abuse) with yanagi, and how strong women realistically often have to become strong out of necessity (rather than just being built different girlbosses by nature) with hayashi. tsuno was also an amazing portrayal of ongoing successful recovery while at the same time one of self-imposed pressure and burnout.
then thereâs some that become more apparent with outside perception, like isono getting straight up mischaracterized for being A Woman and not having enough screentime to be really understood, and sasaki. oh my god sasaki. sasaki being a victim of SA in school, then vilified for taking on a MUCH needed leadership role in an otherwise unruly group of equally scared teenagers, and fuck, of course she did some awful shit, but she was scared. all of them were. and hiroaki, her most dedicated hater, was the only one to realize that wasnât who she truly was afterwards and empathize with her.
hiroaki specifically is such painfully and uncomfortably realistic bpd rep, but honestly? itâs a needed perspective. definitely for me, at least. a lot of the vile shit both other characters and fans say about him, real people in my life have said to me, and heâs not exactly recovery goals by any means but god dammit he is TRYING when all odds are against him and holy shit is that difficult enough as it is. heâs trying so fucking hard. i saw myself in him, a version of myself that struggled and felt how he felt, and i was rooting for him the whole time. i cried with him and i cheered when he made progress and i got emotional when someone empathized with him and was patient and forgiving like i wish someone had been with me.
what i love especially about hiroaki is how well-rounded he is in terms of bpd portrayal. he doesnât just have splitting episodes or obsess over an fp or have super black and white views/opinions, but he also has horrible self-esteem issues that he hides behind an exaggerated ego and lashes out to hide how much he cares and feels crushing, overwhelming self-hatred because of things other people say or think. and even then, we see the less discussed aspects of more acknowledged symptoms with him too. when he splits, he feels immense remorse after. case in point, the sheer horror he felt at the end of [low talk]. he still sometimes tries to make things right where he can even though he canât stop self-sabotaging. he has moments of kindness with multiple people to varying degrees of closeness.
and despite all this awful shit happening to and around him, he is making a valid fucking effort and god i will always defend him for that. heâs emotionally self-aware and he has goals and values and he cares about people in his life even if heâs bad at showing it. sure, heâs trapped in bad habits and a bad lifestyle, but also⌠heâs just a kid. heâs 17 years old doing and believing and enduring things no one should have to at that age. heâs been on his own since he was even younger too.
people fault him for backsliding in his attempts at Being Better but that is so fucking unfair, because it is never that goddamn simple. ever. you hear ârecovery isnât linearâ just about everywhere, but itâs so rare to see that process explored so thoroughly in fiction and when itâs just brushed under the rug to make him out to be an irredeemable villain because itâs annoying or not entertaining enough, itâs⌠so painfully real.
the [stairwell] episode in particular was fucking brutal for me. iâve been him in that situation, except instead of someone like tamba it was someone much closer to me than that. it was such a personal gut punch hearing her scream at him that he just canât be a better person no matter how hard he tries because thatâs just who he is. because he doesnât want to change bad enough, because heâs innately selfish and cruel and evil and doomed to die alone and unloved. and he stands there and takes it while she hits him everywhere it hurts most, and while i will acknowledge tamba is just as scared and flawed as the rest of them, she says some of the most deplorable shit to him a person can say to someone until he just canât take it anymore and proves her right. and just like that, heâs regressed back to square one again.
and tamba is never held accountable for how horribly she treated people, or even truly acknowledges how fucked up what she said to hiroaki was. itâs not even clear if she realizes the depth of it. that part is uncomfortably real for me, too. tetro is such peak fiction dude because the only reason i canât like her is personal beef with her actions related to me and not her.
anyway iâm a shameless tetro glazer, hiroaki is my beautiful & beloved bpd princess, and everyone should be nicer to him and should also keep in mind that some of the shit you say about fictional characters you could inadvertently be saying about someone close to you as well. this fangan is doing something extremely rare and extremely valuable, and at the same time creating such a vulnerable space for people, so always be nice & be considerate <3
#hiroaki nakamigawa#tetro danganronpa pink#tetro danganronpa spoilers#tetro pink spoilers#i wrote this a few days ago but oughhh heâs so important to me
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Still fixated on an AU where Elliot adopts Harley. And SO I have some ⨠situations⨠for them.
â Harleyâs first night home at Elliotâs. Being amazed that he has a room with a proper bed in it. Doubly amazed that itâs so BIG and so⌠clean.
Elliot cooking roast dinner to commemorate the event, but instead of eating, Harley just⌠stares at the food.
E: âEverything okay, Harley?â
H: ââŚCan⌠can I eat this?â
E: âOf course! I made it for you.â
H: ⌠Takes a tiiiiny hesitant bite.
E: Smiles, nods. âEnjoy.â Goes back to reading his paper while eating his own dinner.
H: (⌠Heâs not mad? Itâs really⌠okay? âŚ)
H: ââŚâŚâ STARTS DEVOURING THE FOOD LIKE A RABID ANIMAL
E: O_O ;; (I need to teach that boy some table mannersâŚ)
â Imagine the first time Harley initiates a hug between them. Itâd seem random, but in actuality Harleyâs been thinking of it, planning it, anticipating it for weeks. Then one day in the morning heâd come downstairs and just quietly go âElliot.â Elliot giving him a bemused but worried smileâ only for the boy to silently walk up to him and very nervously⌠very awkwardly⌠lift his arms and rest them ever so lightly around Elliotâs back.
Elliot embracing him in return, equally as gently. Just a nice, quiet moment before they go into the factory for the YGP classes.
â The first time Harley calls Elliot âdadâ. I donât think he would do it very often (normally just sticks with Elliot), and when he does itâs usually by accident or when heâs feeling vulnerable. But oof. Thereâd be tears (Elliot).
â If they want ANY hope of a happy ending, theyâd both have to get therapy. And apparently in the 1970/80s, family therapy was becoming popular. So, just imagine the chaos of Elliot Ludwig and Harley Sawyer in family therapy. Youâre welcome.
â Harley developing an unusual hobby, like taxidermy. Elliot trying his best to be supportive, but Harley keeps âfindingâ dead animals and bringing them back home and it makes him a little worried (and nauseous). OHâ and the look on the manâs face when he one day opens the fridge only to make direct eye contact with a deceased possum. If Harley was around itâd get a rare laugh out of him.
But theyâd have a, err, talk, after that.
â Now Harleyâs in a safe environment heâs got a lot of trauma processing to do. Neither he nor Elliot even think about that⌠until the panic attacks start. âŚAnd the random crying. Angry outbursts over things that are ridiculously trivial, even for Harley. Hell, maybe even (rarely) some age regression, too.
Me and @/numberonesnarkfan (gonna reference them as Snark because we yapped a LOT lmao) were also talking and they suggested Harley having FND (which can in rare cases be caused by trauma/abuse which is the case for Harley) which manifests in dissociative seizures/drop attacks, and functional limb weakness (especially in his legs). I also think if heâs specifically triggered by something kid Harley would get vocal tics and uncontrollable shaking.
All in all Elliot feels in WAAAY over his head, and definitely questions whether heâs done the right thing by taking the little guy in or not; not because he doesnât love him, but because heâs not sure if heâs the best person to handle this. He also finds it super hard to discipline him because, freshly in recovery, Harleyâs so easily triggered. The situationâs made even worse, because Harley really NEEDS disciplining since heâs already showing a few symptoms of antisocial personality disorder, and is just generally⌠a bit of a little shit at times.
â The. ARGUMENTS. I like to think they wouldnât have full blown fights that often since (at least my) Elliot is so mild-mannered, but⌠Elliot definitely has his own issues as well, and if theyâre both having bad days, disagreements very easily turn into full arguments. Harley in particular can scream the house down if he so chooses, much to Elliotâs frustration. Lots of slamming of doors. Sometimes an âI HATE YOUâ from Harley, too.
If you wanted to get REALLLY angsty with it, again me and Snark were like. OOP. Punishments that would be considered abuse or at least be frowned on now were common in Elliotâs era, so⌠if Harley hit a nerve one day⌠Elliot might just grab him by the chin, yank him in close and give him a shake, and really verbally lay into himâ only to trigger a panic attack and/or an FND episode in Harley. Little guy bursting into tears out of shock and fear, because heâs just started to adjust to a home without that kind of violence.
Elliot would feel so bad after that. Harley doesnât come out of his room for a week. It takes a while for their relationship to heal again.
â âŚHAPPIER SITUATIONS AGAIN yay:
Elliot and Harley doing normal, domestic activities. Watching a movie together⌠maybe Harley falls asleep against Elliot, who carries him to bed. Elliot taking him out for ice cream. Elliot teaching him how to cook (first time ends in an absolute mess).
Harley actually getting the giggles over something and Elliot deliberately trying to get him to laugh more because the sound makes him so happy.
â And finally. One of my favourites. After Harley is well and truly settled in his new home and trusts Elliot, he very shyly, very embarrassed, comes to him with a request.
Could he read him a bed time story?
Little guy has never had a story read to him outside of being in school before, but has heard of other children being read to at night, and heâs so curiousâ but more than curious, he wants to feel like a child whoâs loved.
Elliotâs surprised at the request at first because isnât 12 y/o Harley a little old for that? But when he hears his explanation, his soft heart just melts. Of course heâs going to read his baby a bed time story. Knowing Harley, heâll probably pick out either a sci-fi or non-fiction book. Heâs probably all embarrassed as Elliot tucks him in and starts reading, but he gets into it surprisingly quickly and settles down.
As heâs starting to fall asleep, Elliot reaches over and starts combing a hand through his hair, stroking his head nice and slow⌠and Harleyâs out like a light. Dadwig gives him a little kiss on the forehead, turns out the light and leaves him to sleep.
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House MD characters with... BPD reader.
characters: allison cameron, eric foreman, gregory house, james wilson, robert chase
tws: self-destructive behaviour (binge eating, drug abuse, suicide attempts, self harm), enabling, vague description of manic episodes.
A/N: written at like 4am pls treat me kindly <3 house is slightly toxic but its accurate imo so cope!! tried to refer to a broader spectrum, including things i dont experience, so sorry if it's not all 100% accurate :C
Allison Cameron
Definitely one of the more understanding of the OGs.
Very big on communication puts a lot of effort into being completely open. Never wants to make you feel like you've been pushed aside.
Finds it kinda hard to move on from splits, but does get that, 99% of the time, you don't mean what you're saying. Still takes it to heart, though.
Will happily sit there and wait for you to come down and be ready to talk.
Worries a lot when you're manic. She doesn't want to infantalise you but she can be a little bit overbearing.
Non-judgemental when it comes to self harm. Just cleans up however necessary, sits with you and reassures you.
She does push you to stop self harming, but also realises it can be very addictive for most people.
She finds it quite hard to accept when you do something bad during episodes, but often excuses it and pushes blame onto whatever the trigger was. She's not that bothered about apologising tbh.
Eric Foreman
Struggles a lot, especially at first.
He isn't great with empathy, so it's hard for him to really understand, especially since you're considerably more emotional than he is.
After a while, he at least learns what you need from him, and he gets into the habit of reassuring you whenever you fight.
"I am mad, but that doesn't mean I hate you or I'm leaving you. We'll work it out."
After the first few splits aimed at him, he does stop taking it personally, but will understandably get annoyed if you refuse to apologise.
He takes note of any uncharacteristic behaviour - he hates to see you going down that slope.
Especially notices overindulgence in drugs, from everything with his brother. Overreacts if you end up doing any, especially if you spend a lot of money. It gets very heated, very quickly.
Good at grounding during dissociative episodes. Stays with you as long as you need him. He has little to no problem with missing work or showing up late for you.
Gregory House
Probably does a DDX on you when he notices any symptoms you display. He knew before you told him. Hell, his whole team knew before you told him!
That, and if you're diagnosed, he's probably gone digging around your records. Furthermore, if you are formally diagnosed, he does a LOT to make sure you don't have to deal with any biases.
He's honestly not great. Let's be real. But he does try, which is more than you can say about what he does for the others.
He's aware that the amount of time he spends with Wilson can be triggering for abandonment. But he's also pretty shit at reassuring you. So he brings you along to a lot of hangouts :]
Short of having his eyes on you 24/7, he never knows what to do when you're manic. He can make as many sarcastic jokes and backhanded comments as he wants it doesn't make him any less anxious.
Projects a lot of his own issues onto you, but amplifies it iykwim? Assumes that something that upsets him could trigger something serious with you.
He is possibly the worst person to split on. When you go low, he goes lower. Disagreements turn into shouting matches quickly and usually end in meltdowns.
You are one of the few people he'll actually apologise to you. Not just because he cares more, but also because there's a lot less that can go unsaid. He can guess that Cuddy and Wilson understand through his actions that he's sorry, it's less of a gamble he wants to take with you.
James Wilson
The MOST forgiving out of all of them.
The only downside is that, like he is with House, he is an enabler. He just can't find the line.
When you're splitting, he honestly just sits there and takes it.
Also never expects an apology. Would probably let you get away with using it as an excuse for poor behaviour, if you ever did.
That said, he does get that you can't really help a lot of it.
When it comes to self destruction, he's always focussed on making sure you're okay. Nothing else seems to matter in the moment, even if you've hurt him in the process.
I mean, he's a head of department in a hospital. reckless spending isn't too much of an issue. If need be, he's more than happy to use his status to get you better care.
However, as mentioned above, he does enable. He doesn't encourage it but rarely pushes you to quit more risky vices.
One of the few that would seriously push you to seek help. Very aware that BPD can be manageable, so long as there's proper help.
Also does what he can to get you medicated if that's something you're seeking out.
Robert Chase
He's not perfect, but he knows what it's like to feel alone and abandoned.
Very empathetic - he tells you he's here for you as many times as you need to hear it.
Incredibly worried about the idea of you making a suicide attempt - if it happens once he gets a little paranoid about it. If he wakes up in the night and you're not there, he panics.
He knows that splits aren't something either of you can really help, but it's tough. He tries not to leave you alone during episodes he's also not gonna sit there and take it.
Kind of mocks your delusions. It's well-intentioned but it can make it harder to be open about.
He's pretty used to being snapped at, from both family and work, so he mostly takes it in his stride.
That being said, he can usually tell when the shouting and hostility is coming from a place of self-sabotage, for the sake of burning bridges.
Overall, quite the worrier. Doesn't want to bombard you about it, but he picks up on most changes in demeanour and sort of notes it down for later. Just in case.
#miette writings#house md#house md x reader#house md x you#allison cameron x reader#eric foreman x reader#greg house x reader#gregory house x reader#james wilson x reader#robert chase x reader#allison cameron x you#eric foreman x you#greg house x you#gregory house x you#james wilson x you#robert chase x you#house x reader
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ngl as someone with d.i.d. (dissociative identity disorder) the tiny jax au is really, comforting? honestly? even tho thats not at all whats happening and the situations are completely different its kinda nice seeing something similar being portrayed where the "second personality" isn't "evil".
the fact regular jax causes all the issues because hes a little bitch⢠and tiny jax is just along for the ride (while being scared) is just a really refreshing take on this sorta idea. regular jax may be a victim to the circumstance hes under, but so is tiny jax. neither asked to be in this situation, and whether regular jax likes it or not he's stuck with a second person in his body. he's gonna have to adjust to it if he wants things to stop getting worse (even if adjusting to it is only temporary since in doing so might cause it to go away).
it is stressful to deal with sharing a body with even just one person. communication is key to make things work without causing a massive headache. it is scary to suddenly black out and not know what happens when you aren't in control. it is also terrifying to be threatened and yelled at for existing when you didn't ask to. the only way to get better is to communicate and accept the situation you're in instead of fighting it (more of a lesson regular jax needs to learn then tiny jax. especially since tiny jax is literally just a kid who did nothing wrong).
even tho its all unintentional, a lot of stuff just kinda hits. ofc this isn't me claiming this situation is d.i.d., im very aware its not. just wanted to share how despite it being a completely different thing, it's still relatable. really good au 10/10. my bad for the accidental mini essay. i'd be doing our english teachers proud right now with this shit.
skibidi toilet ohio rizz fortnite battle pass or whatever the kids say
- @carnivalcentipede
Yoo, I really appreciate this, like I defo donât wanna dismiss the themes of DID I may have accidentally put in this AU especially if yall see it that way. So Iâm glad I havenât done anything disrespectful in how I portray Jaxs inner turmoil of having a part of himself be open and vulnerable with the others
I hate that Iâm becoming so old that I only get half of the references kids be making nowadays
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ITS MORE DOEY THE DOUGHMAN!!!!
Some more doodles of Doey the Doughman the bestest little guy ever!!! Well I guess heâs like what 10ft tall? So not little but heâs little to us cause heâs son.
More of these are related to Matthew, Kevin, and Jack being in more control. Also some cute outfits and him interacting with my persona! I know the skin tone isnât accurate I was doing this late at night and it looked good then but now itâs kinda ass. I might do a Player design later, either my persona as the player or my take on the player.
SOME HEADCANON TIIIIIIIME
Doey is on the Autism spectrum, with more traits of towards aggression, social difficulties, and fixations. I see him having social issues from all three kids on account of the trauma they have faced. And his main fixation is protecting people but also reading!
He mellows out best when heâs alone, where all the kids can talk internally to each other
He enjoys fidget toys, especially Kevin. Heâll use his play dough body if need be.
I can also see him having DID (dissociative identity disorder) and each child as a system. Iâm more so getting this from my friend who headcanons this.
âif I am inaccurate about these please let me know. Much appreciated.
He canât really wear cloths because they stick to his playdough body.
Matthew is definitely the leader of the three and most of the time he can get them all to cooperate as a unit. He sets goals does the job and so on. He does stress out when things donât go to plan and holds a lot of weight on his shoulders. His favorite things are reading, drawing, and meditation.
Kevin isnât a bad kid, he just needs some guidance on how to regulate his emotions. He is the one in control of most of Doryâs movements as heâs the best st doing so. His favorite things are napping, video games, and fidget toys.
Jack is the quietest out of the three. He is often scared and confused but when they hang have some down time he shows up the most. He relates to the other children the best and is best at playtime. Surprisingly he is the one to solve most mechanical problems with the generator as one of his favorite kinds of toys were creative robotic ones. He also loves Doey, even more that he is his favorite character, he enjoyed all the sculpting he could add on top of his toy robots. His favorite things are video games, imaginary play time with friends (think house or war scenarios kids play out), and tinkering with machines
#fanart#traditional illustration#chameleon markers#color pencil#traditional fanart#poppy playtime doey#poppy playtime fanart#poppy playtime doey the doughman#poppy playtime#poppy playtime chapter 4#Doey#justice for doey#doey the doughman#doey fanart#doey headcanons#poppy playtime the player kinda#persona
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Caleb Character Analysis part 1: The Ever Experiments
(This is mostly lifted from a video I posted on tiktok, with some slight changes/clarifications)
The first and most important thing to keep in mind here is that, according to his anecdote 'Pathless Realm', Caleb has suffered from dissociative amnesia throughout his life. I'm obviously not a psychologist, but based on some light research this basically seems to mean that he has mentally blocked out a lot of the traumatic memories of what happened during the experiments, so while he is definitely aware of them he doesn't remember exactly what happened.
This isn't the same as MC, who loses all or most of her memories every time she is killed and resurrected, but it's worth noting they both have issues with their memories & remembering the details of their trauma, and neither can give us the full picture of what happened in their childhoods.
We can also make note that Caleb was recorded to be 9-10 years old while the experiments were happening. This adds an interesting layer to the fact that Caleb constantly tries to take blows for MC and endures trauma so that she doesn't have to. Throughout all of this he was barely less of a child than MC was, but because he is the slightest bit older (and also because it seems that Josephine often left her under his care growing up while she was working) he sees himself as responsible for her wellbeing. This, in some sense, causes Caleb to see himself as older and more mature than he actually is. He was forced to become a caretaker/guardian figure and take on a lot of adult responsibilities at a very young age, which is why he's also so averse to showing vulnerability like we see in 'Hidden Waves'. He feels that if he can't be the mature, unwavering "pillar of strength" that he thinks MC needs him to be, he is failing to be good enough to protect the person he loves the most.
Now let's get into the actual contents of the experiments. We already know what happened to MC from World Underneath, but for anyone needing a refresher she was used for the Aether Core in her heart and her Resonance Evol, and was repeatedly killed so that the researchers could observe her coming back to life with the intention of using her to unlock the secret to immortality. However, things aren't quite as clear cut for Caleb. The only main sources we have are from his first trailer, which says that "They are the optimal weapon for destroying one another" and a few passages from his anecdote, such as:
"He knows he's always been good at destroying delicate things. The people behind the observation window say that the test subject will become a force comparable to a black hole given time. Not even light could escape it."
From these sources we can gather that Caleb was also used for his Evol with the aim of creating black holes (something we know he is able to do as of 'Homecoming Wings') and that he and MC were made to be able to counter each other, likely as a safeguard. Since they were both extremely powerful, the idea of them being optimal for destroying each other perhaps suggests that they were designed so that if MC's power became too dangerous Caleb could be used to destroy her and vice versa.
We can also gather that Caleb was labelled/labels himself as inherently destructive and dangerous. This seems to have had a long term effect on his self image, as the line from his anecdote establishes that this is something "he knows" and believes to be true, affecting the way that he sees himself especially in comparison to MC. I have a video going slightly more into this on my tiktok page, but essentially Caleb seems to see himself as inherently destructive and bad, while MC is an embodiment of goodness and warmth: the "black hole" that even light can't escape VS the "Unicorn" that brings eternal life. This is potentially why he takes on the role of protecting MC so intensely, as he thinks he deserves the suffering more than she does and is willing to take abuse on her behalf to protect her.
It becomes even more interesting if we consider the religious themes of their storyline with all the references to Adam & Eve, paradise and sin. Caleb views himself as inherently "sinful", just like the original sin described in the Bible that all humans are born with because of Adam & Eve. The only way to cleanse oneself of original sin is to submit to God, the embodiment of goodness and purity, and so Caleb, in a way, submits himself to MC. We have seen how highly he thinks of her, as he frequently describes her as "the best of the best", says that he thinks the world doesn't deserve her, and on multiple occasions comments that he thinks that anything that stands against her shouldn't exist or should disappear.
In short Caleb doesn't just love MC, he reveres her in a way that borders on religious and is willing to devote himself entirely to her service. That's why even from a young age he has taken on the role of protecting & serving MC, giving her almost anything she asks for, doing almost anything she wants, and making sure that no matter what she always feels like she is safe and happy and that he will always be there for her. I think he feels that by doing this, he is atoning for his "original sin" of simply existing as himself. He feels that if he can adequately "serve" MC, if someone as good and pure and warm as her can love or even just approve of him, it can make up for all of his feelings of guilt and sin and destructiveness. She is his salvation.
This is already a lot on his shoulders, but if we go back to the experiments I think there is one more thing at the source of Caleb's guilt, one big example of his destructiveness that serves as the main reason he sees himself the way he does: the Chronorift Catastrophe.
As we've already established, Caleb's Evol is capable of creating black holes/wormholes, so it's not unreasonable to think that he could have been used to open the Deepspace Tunnel (intentionally or not). However this would take a lot of power, more than I think a 9 year old boy would be able to achieve, unless we consider the fact that MC may have used Resonance to boost his power to the necessary level (and likely killing herself in the process). This then is their shared sin, like the sin shared between Adam & Eve when they both bit the apple, and it's one that neither seems to remember due to their respective memory loss issues. If this is the case, it gives us yet another reason for Caleb's inherent feelings of guilt: whether he knows it or not, he was directly responsible for the event that almost destroyed humanity and caused MC, the person he cherishes most, some of her deepest lasting traumas. It's yet another thing he feels the need to make up for by protecting her.
It's also how they both manage to escape the labs before later reuniting at the shelter (although I have seen speculation that the "shelter" actually was the experiment facility and that Caleb is lying to MC about it, but I'm not sure whether I agree with this based on what we've seen). When they do reunite MC doesn't remember who Caleb is, marking just one of many times that he has to reintroduce himself to her. This is another one of the "duties" he takes on for her, promising to always be there to remind her who they both are and swearing to be by her side forever. I think this is another reason that Caleb is so obsessed with having MC by his side: not just because that's what he promised her, but because he's afraid that if he's not there to remind her who he is she might one day forget him forever.
He also chooses never to remind MC of what happened to them during the experiments, or at least what he remembers of it himself. The reasoning of this is obvious, Caleb doesn't want her to be upset or in any way traumatised by it, so if there's a way to let her forget all about it he'll let her. However, I think it's significant that from a young age he chooses to take on this burden by himself for the both of them, as this will become a running them as I cover more of his cards & storylines.
#love and deepspace#lads caleb#lnds caleb#love and deepspace caleb#caleb lads#caleb xia#xia yizhou#caleb#lnds
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Mmm. young Kagami accidental time travel gone wrong when Danzo is the first to find him,,
Danzo wants him as a loyal ROOT shinobi soooo baddd, it would fix all of his issues and give him 30 new ones and also make all of his everything so much worse
Ichigo comes with him too, but Danzo doesnt really give a shit ab her she's only here so that Danzo can make Kagami kill her to further his own ROOT training. She is having the worst time ever in the bg and also really mad that she's being ignored
Both kids have so much clan pride too,, the time they're from, they're only a couple years into Konoha being a thing, their clans make up the foundation of their personalities and lives. So them being forced to "forget" ab it,,, ough,,,
Being put through the process of forgetting themes to devote everything to ROOT, made so much worse because they don't even have 'true' Konoha loyalty to amplify like a modern shinobi kid might,, their clans are all they have,,, u cant just take it away,,
Ichigo especially I think would react SO violently to the concept of being forced to forget her clan. She is a HATAKE, she was raised in isolation and her clan is literally all she's ever had. They are raised into insane levels of loyalty to eachother and the spirit of their clans, Ichigo herself would have one day become her clans spiritual leaderâin general too shes just. Very, very clan focused. All warring state era kids are.
Anyways, Kagami and Danzo
I think Kagami doesnt want to believe it's Danzo behind all of their suffering. And Danzo also probably does not present himself as the cause of it, at first anyways.
As is, Kagami is PRIMED for being groomed and gaslit tbh. The power imbalances are off the chartsâ he wants to be loyal and put his trust in Danzo so bad bc thats his best friend but also a whole adult now. A big, strong adult who Kagami is predisposed to trust.
Danzo is in the perfect position to present himself as a saving grace to Kagami. Slowly easing him into the realization that he's the one forcing him to go through all of this,,, by the time Kagami fully understands it was all Danzo's plans this whole time, he's already too thoroughly wrapped in his web to really see the facts straight
He also just has like. NO one left. Danzo is his only source of comfort in the darkness he carefully designed and submerged him into </3
Mmmm. Just Kagami and Ichigo depression hours up in ROOT club. They are having THE worst time ever in the world. When they're first caught, Ichigo tries to howl for help (with howling being a legitimate chakra technique all Hatake are taught as kids, often used to signal and communicate over long distances) so they have to fucking muzzle her as they go to get the chakra suppressants (its probably mostly a statement tbh, they could totally just get the suppresants and leave it at that)
Only a bit away, Kakashi hears the howl of a wolf in the distance and for a second, he is filled with the urge to run towards it. But the howling stops, and with it the strange urge. How odd. He'll have forgotten about it, not even a week later.
No one is coming for them btw, back in their time they're presumed dead in the lab explosion that sent them here. They're stuck in the torture machine with no rescue in sight <///3
I do wanna to see them escape together ,, but like Ichigo is now half feral and ready to fucking bite anyone who so much as looks at her and Kagami is now dissociating 80% of the time and cant seem to recognize anyone anymore
meanwhile the Uchiha massacre is only a week or two away, and their escape and subsequent discovery is a tipping point for the uchiha that makes them do the coup sooner rather than later,,,
No one other than Danzo knows ab the time travel and both the kids are a) very disoriented + dont super understand whats happening themselves, and b) filled to the fucking brim with trust issues now, thanks Danzo, so when they show up it's just. Kind of understood that Danzo was kidnapping actual babies. Like, no one recognizes Kagami, but he's clearly an Uchiha and the girl with him is insisting he's part of the clan (Kagami himself is fucking dead to the world and way too deep in his head to hold a conversation rn)
Meanwhile someone goes to get Kakashi and now Kakashi is understanding that Danzo was straight up kidnapping Hatake babies.
This is around the point where Kakashi was debating killing the Hokage for Danzo anyways so he's just kinda. Throwing down the towel. Man, FUCK this shit. Fuck ALL of this shit.
Uhhh Kakashi joins the Uchiha in their coup anyone? Anyone? No? Ok well he's doing it anyways.
The Uchiha overthrow the government and they peer pressure Shikaku into being new Hokage bc he serves as a good neutral figure for most in Konoha (and itd look bad if an Uchiha took the seat directly) and Ichigo and Kagami get to heal in the Uchiha compound, yayyy <3
Only they spent a few solid years with Danzo so they are for sure irreversibly fucked now. There is no true recovery because they have been changed as people at their core, and even free they've been permanently separated from the time, clans, and people that they once knew. They lost their childhoods and are now being forced to start from scratch in a world they can't fully recognize.
Eventually the time travel thing will probably be found out, but by that point shit already hit the fan and the walls were repainted anyways, so no one. Really cares. All's well that ends well...?
Then ofc, obligatory bad ending where they dont escape, Kagami kills Ichigo as part of his ROOT trials and becomes a full-fledged ROOT shinobi fully loyal to Danzo (and also gains his mangekyou)
The uchiha massacre happens and things happen as they do in canonâ and when ROOT is finally "officially" disbanded, a curly haired Uchiha shows up among the ex agents struggling to relearn how to be human
Yayyyy <33 the end
Anyways the entire time I was typing this I was listening to Sub Urban - DIAMOND on loop, which is a really good song so Im gonna go ahead and plug it here bc like. It's really good. Highly reccomend.
#naruto#naruto au#kagami uchiha#uchiha kagami#danzo shimura#shimura danzo#kakashi hatake#hatake kakashi#hatake ichigo#hatake oc#wolves of the woods#naruto oc#birds fic talk#ROOT Kagami
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Reading more nightwing 96: *the* blockbuster arc
Prev
Bro i binge read over like 20-30 issues today i was invested in this it was crazy. Read up til #95 during my free period and when i finally looked up i totally forgot that i was in the college library and it was so jarring to see the desk in front of me and people moving around behind me, i was absorbed. My soul was crushed going into my lesson after this

Ough

Ohhhh she totally know about nightwing

Oh no you dont back, away girlie


Eeeeeeeeeee bro this is so exciting, you guys know how much i love the dick and slade dynamic aaaaa i love how slade just picks dick up and is just chilling in dick's house to warn him aaaaaa


Oh i love this

Cass HYPE



... i guess she didny know then, love how she found ot just cuz of the voice


Oh man this entire arc had me vibrating and smiling with giddyness it was so fun, i was kicking my feet

Once again i always love how at every moment this comic shows dick doing flips and acrobatics whenever they can, its just instinctual to him in the comics and i absolutely love it

Oh...
I understand where she is coming from but i feel so bad for dick
Also gannon vouching for dick and trying to get him not fired :(

Oh SHOOT

This is such a sick cover

Devious little man

Oh- oh no. As soon as i saw this cover i knew what this was going to be




My heart hurts
(Noticed the shadow on that third page too)

Another amazing cover. All these covers for this arc is truly amazing


I have no words

I stopped downloading more pages because i got so absorbed into the climax in this arc
This is such a well written arc. Even though i knew basically what happened and who blockbuster killed, nothing prepared me for how hard the actual comic was to read. It also helped that i was so invested that i didnt realise the issue number or that i was in the arc until i had rushed into the middle if it. The art is spectacular, and Dick's emotions, his grief, trauma and dissociation were portrayed so well, especially in #94, and this arc was horrifying and disgusting and so well written and drawn
Next
#i do a little react#dc#dc comics#nightwing 1996#dick grayson#nightwing#amy rohrbach#catalina flores#tarantula#deathstroke#slade wilson#cassandra cain#batgirl#orphan#black bat#blockbuster#roland desmond#barbara gordon#oracle#haly's circus#bridget clancy#alfred pennyworth#nightwing 93
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While I don't think much of the overall USamerican population cares about the genocide in Gaza, the scale of the recent protests show that it's a pretty important issue for the more progressive and politically active segment*. A segment which assumes a disproportionate electoral importance in a nation like the USA with non-compulsory voting and generally low voter turnouts. Like your "average" Yank might not give a shit about Palestine, but said average Yank wasn't gonna vote anyway. And the people who actively support the Genocide are mostly gonna vote for Trump no matter what; Harris's stance on Gaza did a pretty good job of driving off people who might have voted for her without attracting new support.
It's not as though Trump is very popular; he just managed to maintain some sizeable base of supporters by doing the bare minimum job of a politician and "promising them things they want". Like Trump managed to win this election with fewer total votes than he had in his 2020 loss; you could say that he's "more popular" than Harris but that's really not a high bar. The electorate less voted for Trump and more didn't vote for Harris because why the hell would they? She had nothing worthwhile to offer so Trump more or less won by default. While Gaza wasn't necessarily decisive in this, it certainly fucking hurt especially among the demographics (i.e. Ethnic Minorities, Young People) that Harris was trying hardest to reach. At the very least, a more popular Gaza policy could have made her loss a lot less humiliating.
But the US DP doesn't seem that interested in victory anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. They get paid for putting on a show, creating a nice distracting spectacle; actually winning seems secondary at best. I doubt they'll learn any lessons beyond "We need to get more Racist". And considering the recent surge in posts to the effect of "I can't wait for White Supremacists to brutalise you as punishment for not Voting Blue", it's a lesson their online supporters are already putting into practice with enthusiasm
*I must emphasise that I'm defining this "segment" very broadly; It's not as though you need an especially principled or coherent ideology to conclude "Explicit Genocide is bad and we should at least dissociate ourselves from it"
#stella speaks#done with US election posting#just needed a little denouement#it's not as though this matters much anyway lol#both candidates differed primarily in aesthetics#bourgeoisie electoralism#especially in a nation as brutally neoliberal as the US is mostly pointless anyway
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TMA disability headcanons time!! this is only michael, gerry, jon, and martin but i will add more later. mild CW for talk of disorders :}
lots of these are based off my own experiences, especially michael </3
also i literally read the DSM-5 for this.
michael:
Cyclothymic disorder - a bipolar disorder. michael definitely has mania + depressive episodes that only last a day or so at a time
separation anxiety - probably been left before, finally found someone he trusts so now (gerry) heâs obsessively worried
ocd - probably caused/related to some of their other issues, i think they have very strict schedules and they freak out if it gets messed up
persistent vocal tic disorder - i think theyâd only have vocal tics (until they get spiraled). probably a whistle tic, cursing mayhaps, echolalia
probably was selectively mute as a child
panic disorder - do i even have to explain myself?? i headcanon that it is worse during hypomanic episodes
Hypersomnolence disorder - i bet he is an eepy eeper and regularly falls asleep in weird places
borderline personality - worsened by mania + depressive episodes, their self image is regularly changing and also spiral avatar
visual snow - again, spiral avatar. i have this :} i also just think itâd be interesting
some sort of joint issues in their hands, maybe arthritis but i havenât decided
gerry:
NPD - this solely of vibes (not in a bad way!!!) i dont have NPD so i canât say too much ab it, would be down to expand on it but i donât want to spread misinformation:,}
reactive attachment disorder - i think this is only a diagnosis for children but i'm not certain. mary definitely fucked his mental state up and he avoids people in caregiver roles (might have presented as being extra rebellious as a teenager)
insomnia - itâs essentially canon. i also think he and michael having opposite sleep disorders would be funny :}
ADHD - hyper with zero attention span
chronic fatigue - cane user because of it, canât walk for too long. fainting/dizzy spells. worsened by the lung cancer
epilepsy - also worsened by lung cancer. probably has migraines bc of the seizures. i bet he regularly has petit mal seizures
jon:
autism - no explanation needed. although i hc that he learned bsl in college cause he kept going nonverbal (or maybe georgie taught them? she seems like she knows bsl)
brief psychotic disorder - literally him all of season two. plus maybe the end of season 4 & the end of season 5.
hoarding disorder - idk they seem like a hoarder to me. but only a little? like they hoard but theyâre so anxious about people judging them for it so they force themself to get rid of stuff which results in more horading
ARFID - sensory issues make it hard for them to eat:(
paranoid personality disorder - essentially canon, literally them all of season 2
schizoid personality disorder - ik it could be their autism but still, i think the relationship avoidance (especially with martin) is a bit more than just tism
schizotypal personality disorder - worsened by the eye.
(yes i know thatâs all the cluster A personality disorders, itâs not my fault they all fit him!! /lh)
chronic fatigue - probably bc of the eye bullshit, they probably faint a lot
cane user - i dont know what physical disability theyâd have, but i like the cane user jon HC soooo
i also think theyâd have some nervous tics, not a tourette disorder tho
martin:
dissociative amnesia + derealisation/depersonalization - brought on by the lonely. probably struggles to recognise people (worsened by not-sasha)
rheumatoid arthritis in his hands (+ his feet from the walking in the fearpocalypse)
major depressive disorder - had since he was little, worsened by the lonely
#the magnus archives#headcanons#disability#by a disabled person#michael shelley#gerry keay#gerad keay#jonathan sims#martin blackwood#martin kartin</3
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What are your headcanons about Della?
I have so many, but tbh my favorite headcanons have to do with her having PTSD - so i can't promise this will be a fun post
MASTERLIST OF DELLA HEADCANONS BELOW:
Appearance:
Scars from the Moon
One across her beak on left side
Scars on her arms and legs
Other markings
Stretch marks especially on her tummy and butt
A few stretch marks on her chest and thighs
Freckles on her beak (because she had triplets and ducks IRL sometimes get freckles after pregnancy)
Other
Chubby pear shape
DD cup size
Squishy belly
Big eyes
Fluffy unkempt feathers (she's bad at preening)
Thin hair (also bad at taking care of it)
Short beak
Queer Headcanons:
Homoromantic
Bisexual
Prefers to just call herself a lesbian
Ciswoman (doesn't mind they/them pronouns and probably finds it entertaining if she's referred to as he/him)
Supports all of her queer babies
She also does not actively seek out romance, but she isn't offput by the idea entirely
Mental Health and Neurodiverse Headcanons:
PTSD
Hates being alone at any given moment and had to ask Donald if she could room with him in the houseboat for a few months
Genuinely cannot look at her reflection and will be needing exposure therapy
Does not like the feeling of movement underwater because it reminds her of the moon's gravity
Terrified that she'll never be fully capable of being a mom because of the 10 years she missed
Cringes at any moon or space themed items now - sometimes triggers her on a bad day or if she looks at them for too long
Her hair being too long is a trigger for her, so she always keeps it shoulder length or above
She ALWAYS feels cold even if her body temperature is normal and sometimes it drives her crazy
Lots of nightmares about what-ifs - what if it was my kids instead of me, what if it was my brother instead of me, what if i didnt have oxychew, what if i never met the Moonlanders, etc etc etc
The taste of black licorice will genuinely send her spiraling, and because it lingers - it wrecks her for days (she hates similar flavors such as rootbeer)
Finds a lot of joy in warm places so she now loves to be out in the sun
Had a period of time where she wasn't really talking with Penumbra because of the severity of her triggers/ptsd
Both finds peace in dead silence, but it also brings her back to the moon as well - she has a very complex relationship with isolation
Prefers silver over gold (even though she doesn't wear jewelry, she likes silver on others and silver on things such as zippers and buttons)
Spent quite a few years terrified of flying after the horror of her own trauma set in, but it threw her into a big depression since piloting is her passion
Hates taking care of her stump because she doesn't like taking her prosthetic leg off - she sees it as her own, so she hates taking it off even though she knows she needs to when sleeping or showering
She has a hard time looking at her stump and scars because on one hand; sick as hell battle wounds, but on the other; damn was that the worst time in my entire life
Depression and Anxiety
Even before crashlanding on the moon, she dealt with depression and social anxiety
She has a bit of a hard time keeping her room tidy and taking care of herself, but she's phenomenal at putting other people first
Feels as though she's not attractive enough
Wants to be a ray of sunshine in other peoples' lives
She's very scared that she won't be enough for people and therefore she must put 110% into everything she does for others
ADHD and Autism
Her sensory issues tend to directly conflict with her PTSD issues - like she hates silence because of the moon, but sometimes she gets overstimulated by noise and needs the silence or alone time
She does not sleep until her body physically passes out because the change in activity is hard for her to deal with
Goes insane if she feels understimulated because her brain begins to shut down and she dissociates
Many, many stims (sometimes doubles as grounding with PTSD): bouncing her leg, various hand motions, feeling the fabric of her clothes, physical affection with her loved ones, playing with the tightness of her prosthetic (loosening and then tightening it over and over), shaking her head to feel her hair around her shoulders (and solidifying that what she's feeling is earth gravity)
Really hard time understanding social cues that makes her come across as rather ditzy
Special interest in aircraft technology and was a top student at her flight school
Love/Hate relationship with reading because if she enjoys what she's reading she gets invested, but if she's understimulated, the words jumble together in her mind
Not good at math for a similar reason
Fish are a huge sensory nightmare for her; the scales, the smell, the taste, etc
Is generally pretty sensory-seeking, but has a few Hard Nos on textures (such as slimy scales)
Other:
I headcanon Della having compulsive sexual behavior disorder, and her libido especially spiked after being on the moon for 10 years, and it makes her feel really gross at times
Due to said hypersexuality, she gets intrusive thoughts that piss her off
Because of the moon not really having a clear indicator of night and day, Della lost her circadian rhythm and struggles with a Hell combination of non-24 and ADHD insomnia
The lack of general sleep makes it hard for her to lose weight and so she's insecure about that
Physical Disabilities:
Because she was on the moon for so long, the zero gravity and lack of proper breathable oxygen took a huge toll on her, physically
She developed really bad asthma and will likely be recovering from it for the rest of her life
Her lungs can only intake so much oxygen at a time, so she also struggles with shortness of breath
Upon returning to earth, her body was really broken down from the cold atmosphere - causing her to not be able to regulate her body temperature properly
Her bones were weakened upon arrival, so she has to spend years recovering physically from it
Her stump is irritated a lot because she doesn't like taking care of it properly
She owns crutches for when she needs to take breaks from her prosthetic just because of the discomfort when wearing it
She is not afraid to hit Donald with a crutch BTW
IF THERE ARE ANY OTHER SPECIFIC HEADCANONS THAT YOU ARE CURIOUS ABOUT, SHOOT ME AN ASK! <3
#TeaLotte Thoughts#TeaLottie Asks#dt17#ducktales#duckverse#ducktales 2017#della duck#della#ducktales della#ducktales headcanons#headcanons#dt17 analysis#ask blog#inbox#ask me anything#queer#disability pride#disney ducks#disney tva
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hello! i'm apart of a DID system and i saw the post about liu's DID, and i thought i'd throw some of my own two cents into the pot (one of my special interests is also psychology, specifically dissociative disorders + trauma disorders) i do apologize now though because i don't know all of the liu lore, and i'm not entirely sure which jtk lore we'd be considering for this (also not entirely sure which one is older in your headcanons).
i definitely agree with the system you reblogged previously, but i do also want to make note of something else. the headcanon some people have that sully is a demon would be an incredibly interesting thing to touch on with the DID. it very well could be that sully is a demonic-based alter, but instead of being 'ooo spooky demon' it's more of a.. thing born to comfort liu? imagine if you will, neglectful + abusive parents for liu and jeff, and liu is repeatedly dubbed a bad child. sully takes on a demonic form in their mind to help liu section off the trauma, effectively cementing sully as the bad child Instead of liu. but when they're older, sully being the Bad Child no longer particularly helps liu. sully would just be doing what he has always done to help- he'd be taking the place of liu, doing the bad things. but these bad things are no longer just what their parents tried to pinpoint as evil (which was a bunch of lies), this is now Actual Manslaughter. at the end of the day though, sully Isn't an 'evil alter.' he's just a little kid trying to protect the kid that made him, the kid that was so so scared and alone who thought that the only way he could survive his childhood was by becoming someone else, someone more inhuman, someone willing to take the hurt and turn it into fuel for the fire.
i also say this mainly because i am also psychotic, but trauma tends to allow for psychosis to form more easily in people. if liu attached to religion as a coping mechanism, and gained a delusion that sully was Possessing him, it'd give a good foundation for angst; especially when sully is a Kid. all he'd ever done was try to help liu, and now liu is calling him a monster and telling him to get out of his head.
additionally, if you wanted to explore the idea of liu and jeff eventually reconnecting: while liu may eventually reach some kind of understanding for jeff's actions (i mean, jeff Was having an entire breakdown and there was literally no support for him. maybe he was trying to 'save' liu. i don't know) sully would be MUCH harder to reason with. sully is a little kid who's just trying his best. jeff Hurt them. sully was most likely triggered out almost immediately whenever they became conscious again after the Incident. sully still feels it all Raw. it still feels like yesterday for him. his hands will shake around jeff out of fear and anger, they always will; he trusted him, how could he do this?
(i do apologize if this is incoherent- my psychosis has been causing a few issues with organizing thoughts but i got excited when i saw the post on my dash and wanted to talk about it)
OH I ROCK WITH THIS. I ROCK WITH THIS SO HARD.
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Assorted jercy head canons from yours truly
both have zero self worth, they reassure each other and built each other up over time
both have a hard time expressing emotions. especially: Percy worries over things he thinks will make him look stupid (or, more recent fear, scary), and Jason anything that would make him look weak
Percy has bad internalized homophobia, no matter how accepting his mom is, Gabe's insults left a mark on his brain, he just feels gross and wrong and doesn't know what to do (yes, it gets better, but it's rough)
feral motherfuckers, the both of them, they bite, they growl, there's so much here but there's already a post...
Percy thinks Jasonâs glasses are very cute, he steals them sometimes and Jason thinks heâs fucking adorable, unfortunately, to see this, he has to get pretty close. like kissing distance close
Jason is 6â4. Percy is 6â3. There is fucking relentless short jokes.
Percy, despite being only ~10 months older, is also teased about being old. He tells Jason to respect his elders.
Jason has abandonment issues. And autism, among other things
These two are so fucking cuddly. Like, it took a while before they were both on the same page, but now they're both so constantly in each other's space. always touching, always just near each other
Jason is a nice guy, he grew up trying to be Approachable and Nice, he tends to give out compliments bc people seem to like that (see above: autism), so naturally he compliments Percy and Percy 404's. he does not what to do, no idea how to take compliments (from his mom is normal but anyone else? weird). Jason does it even more just to see him blush (guaranteed result)
Cuddle and listen to audiobooks/podcasts together
Whoever introduced them to audiobooks/podcasts either thinks it's adorable or regrets everything, maybe both
Jason lighting round: cannot cook, can draw, bites his nails, king of lil kisses, car trauma, loves to play with Percy's hair, is scared of thunderstorms, the really loud ones that shake everything, likes to wear beanies (good sensory on his short hair)
Percy lightning round: best cook, loves gardening, grows some of his own food/veggies/spices, has so many fun piercings (pls hc your own favorite ones for him, I can never pick), has a weird relationship with food post-tartarus, also really sensitive to light post-tartarus, has long hair, dissociation problems and rsd, steals Jason's clothes (they're grounding)
@queer-brainrot I did it!! Hope you like it <3
#whoopsy daisy#longer than i thought it would be#hope you like it tho <3#it's not even all...#and i have a whole bunch of disability/mental illness stuff but i just decided to pepper some of it in#please feel free to add your own or expand/comment on these etc#i'd love to see other's thoughts on these two#and if this gives anyone inspo to write something please do! i'd love to know if you do as well i would love to read it#jercy#percy jackson#jason grace#jason grace x percy jackson#percy jackson x jason grace
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