#especially since like. I’ve had similar struggles as her (not exactly the same obviously but similar)

[skyward-floored]

*small voice * It's a relatively old post but I agree with you on Wild being relatively religious

Well thank you, I appreciate knowing that :)

I think having Wild be religious in some regard (like not just surface level, he actually believes this stuff) would be a fascinating thing to explore, especially with all of Zelda’s past (present?) struggles in that regard. Have him and Sky connect about it! Have him want to hear about Sun! If Sun ever meets the boys, have Wild ask her about Zelda’s struggles!! There’s lots you can explore with this!!

And maybe it’s just me but I’d like a little more variety then “Sky loves Hylia and everyone else HATES THE GODDESSES!!1!!!!” because wow does that get old and also does not make any stinkin sense.

But yeah. I think Wild being religious in at least some manner would just be interesting. I mean you have to pray in the game, there’s at least something going on.

[engekihaikyuu]

View from the Top 2 - Review

Check out the Read More if you’d like to hear about this show!  Askbox is open as well if you’d like me to elaborate on anything out of this.

Before I begin my review of the final show, I do want to start with some caveats:

So as I mentioned previously, the production once again went with PIA for their live streaming platform, which means that live streaming this show is very inaccessible for anyone living outside of Japan.

PIA is a ticketing platform that requires a working Japanese phone number in order to finish activating/registering a new account because you must call the number provided to finish account verification. So without a Japanese contact or a Japanese phone number, this platform is basically impossible.

I have a generous friend in Japan who was willing to share her account information with me, which is how I was able to pay for a show and use her log-in to watch the stream. I did not see this show in-person; I do not live in Japan and obviously travel is off-limits. Even if I did live in Japan, I would have qualms about going to the theater.

There are some logistical issues with this show because of the current pandemic, with the most visually obvious one being the small face shields the actors wear on-stage. They basically serve as protection against direct spittle, but obviously they do nothing to guard against aerosol spread; putting on the play is still an incredible risk to the performers and staff. Another difficulty they face is the fact that Tokyo is still continuing to maintain a nightly curfew. Every evening Tokyo performance needed to be bumped earlier so that spectators can leave the theater in time to make it home for that curfew. Keeping that in mind, the show is a surprisingly condensed 2.5 hours long, where I would have expected 3 hours given the amount of content it covered. This does affect the pacing in Act 2 noticeably, and I get the feeling that were it not for covid and the current curfew restrictions, it would feel a little less rushed at the end.

So, with all that said, here are my thoughts on Engeki Haikyuu’s final play, The View from the Top 2!!!  This is absolutely not spoiler-free, for both the play’s content and everything that happened in the manga finale, so if you have not finished the series, this is your last chance to turn back.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t written a full review on a show since Fly High, so I’m a bit rusty at this, and I’ll probably leave out a lot so as always, my askbox is open for people’s additional questions!

The absolute main theme of this play (and really of the entire Haikyuu story) is the friendship and rivalry between Hinata and Kageyama, and the theme: I’m not alone. Engeki really did right by our dual protagonists by framing the final show as showing both of their journeys from beginning to end. Act 1 begins with that familiar sequence from the very first show: Hinata seeing the little giant on TV, being inspired to start playing volleyball, his struggle to find a team in middle school, losing to Kageyama in his one and only middle school tournament, and finding him again at Karasuno. They repeated the scene almost exactly as it was in the first show, and I think it was very smart of them to show us Daigo’s version of it, so to speak. That way we have a more cohesive vision of Hinata from the beginning of his journey to the end. Then they absolutely FLOOD the stage with a montage of projections with footage from all of the shows from the past five-and-a-half years. So already it’s pretty emotional for me, seeing how far the play had come as well as how far Hinata had come in the story.

To parallel this, the beginning of Act 2 actually begins with baby Kageyama. Yes, the baby Kageyama flashback with his sister and grandfather and how he started volleyball. We see Kageyama’s volleyball journey from childhood (for this they used a small doll similar to the dolls they used for young Kuroo and Kenma from Revival) to playing at Kitagawa Daiichi, to losing his grandfather, to being labeled the King of the Court, to defeating Hinata, and then having Hinata find him at Karasuno. And then they once again, they flood the stage with projections with past show footage, but this time they are more Kageyama-centric in the way that the previous ones were often Hinata-centric. And it just really highlights how much these two are meant to share the stage as the two main characters.

To see this framework and to know what’s going to come at the end, with the two of them reuniting in the pro-volleyball arena… just the beginning of Act 2 alone had me in tears. Another way they paralleled their respective journeys was to show us who have influenced them. In Act 1, there’s a dance with Hinata, Hoshiumi, and Udai (all little giants… well, Tsukishima’s in there too because he’s feeling a particular competitiveness with Hinata in this part of the match). In Act 2, there’s a dance with Kageyama, Atsumu, and Oikawa, because Atsumu and Oikawa are the setters who have had the most influence on Kageyama, and he’s drawing on what he’s learned from them for this match. They are not alone in their journeys, they have had people inspire them and be inspired by them in addition to having the support of their teammates.

The Karasuno vs Kamomedai match is interspersed with bits of action from the Fukurodani vs Mujinazaka match, so the stage was pretty busy for basically the entire time. The wires are back for some sequences so that both Hinata and Hoshiumi have a chance to fly, and there are plenty of acrobatics and lifts, and the same incredible soundtrack we love. Ryuu’s Hoshiumi is the obvious standout on Kamomedai for how many lifts he had, and they definitely tried to have him running around on the stage about as much as Hinata. It was notable how much they drew on past techniques and music for various parts of this match, since this is meant to be Karasuno at their peak. When Asahi was feeling particularly stuck/trapped against Kamomedai’s defense, they incorporated the tying-up visual they had previously used in Winners and Losers, with Kamomedai basically tying up and holding Asahi in place with ribbon. There was Summer of Evolution music when Karasuno does a great synchro attack, and the extras-wearing-Hinata-masks reappeared to show us Hinata’s “afterimage” as he flashes around the stage. If you’ve seen all the plays, you can’t miss these call-backs.

The flow of the match was fast. They hit the highlight plays and the highlight emotional moments, but we are clearly past the point where they need to narrate the actual volleyball to us. There was more dancing/acrobatics than attempting to place the two teams on either sides of a physical net with more overt volleyball moves. Everything was more intertwined and fluid than that. And actually now that I think about it, they have been sparse with their usage of a physical net in the past few shows, because everything has been a little more fast-paced overall.

They definitely wanted to highlight Karasuno’s rise throughout the game, to show that they were absolutely a formidable team, that they deserved to be at Nationals, and to show us all the ways that Hinata and Kageyama had grown. For most of Act 2 leading up to Hinata’s collapse, it really feels like they could win this. And I think it makes it that much harder for Hinata to accept being benched, because the team is riding this high and doing so well, and even Kageyama’s more visibly having fun. I think Takeda-sensei easily has a third of the best lines in the series. His speech to Hinata during the Kamomedai match is one that was really gut-wrenching to read when those chapters came out, and it was great to hear it said aloud.

And here is something I’ve never been able to point out because I didn’t do reviews for the past two tours, but I think Daigo’s voice is one of the strongest aspects of his Hinata. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with the work he’s done as a voice actor, but when he cries or whimpers, it is genuinely the most pitiful noise. A lot of Kenta’s portrayal of Hinata’s frustrations throughout the story had an undercurrent of anger and frustration. He’s upset, but there’s always something behind it that says, “well next time, it’ll be different.” And I think Daigo replaces most of that with pure sadness, especially for this scene. After Takeda-sensei lectures him good and proper, and he accepts that he needs to leave, he just sounds so broken. It doesn’t have that anger and drive underneath, he’s just in despair. And why wouldn’t he be? A part of him understands this is the last match he’ll ever play with this team, his first real team.

We then see Hinata bundled up in a coat and scarf, watching the rest of the match from the tablet that Kenma gives him. Snow begins to fall on the stage as he slowly wanders through it, with Karasuno and Kamomedai finishing out the rest of the match around him. Engeki Haikyuu has always allowed for the losing team in a match to line up at the edge of the stage, say thank you to the audience, bow, and take their leave. It’s so symbolic, and it’s so emotional for the actors and for the audience who are in the theater. It’s a moment that just barely breaks the fourth wall, when they turn to us, the spectators, to say, “Thank you for your support.” And they mean it both in and out of character. And I was so so so sad when I realized that Karasuno would take their final bow as a team without Hinata in the lineup. He’s in the back of the stage, separated from his team, and he does take a bow, but it’s very lonely.

Now, I’m sure people are very curious about the timeskip material, and mostly I just have to preface with: it’s fast. It does not take up as much of Act 2 as you might think. It’s boom, boom, boom, cameo here, pre-recorded projections there, patissier Tendou interview, Kuroo in a suit doing a promotional commercial for the V-League, Kageyama’s curry commercial, a projected Osamu selling his rice balls, get the old team together, fateful encounters in front of the bathroom, GO! The only thing we see of the Brazil arc is Hinata having a brief flashback to tell Kageyama that he met Oikawa while he was in Brazil. It’s very short, and that’s all we get for his time in Brazil. Basically, the play is not the place to see Hinata’s journey and growth from those chapters because he goes through so much of it alone, and there’s just no time. The Brazil arc also brings back a lot of technical details about volleyball itself, especially as Hinata is learning the beach version, and that’s an area where the manga is the best medium to examine the finer details of the sport. I can see why a play version would gloss over the technical details to focus on the emotional arc, which is in this case, Hinata and Kageyama.

Because of how fast the ending is, it definitely feels made for the people who already read the manga; Previous Engeki Haikyuu shows have always presented the story in a way that was very friendly to those who may not have read the manga or watched the anime. You could watch just Engeki Haikyuu and not feel like you were missing out on references/jokes for the most part, but this ending would be way harder to follow for those not familiar with what’s already happened.  

It’s difficult because I do feel like Act 2 was overly condensed to wrap up this story, but I also don’t think the timeskip material is enough for a whole play on its own. If we had stopped at the end of the Kamomedai match, and had a whole separate play to cover Brazil and the Jackals vs Adlers match… the pacing would’ve been slow and low energy especially in the first half, and it would be an odd choice for the final show of a series like this. My preference would have been for this play to have been three acts, three hours, so that we could linger on some of those timeskip moments a little more, slow it down, and let them land emotionally. But clearly the covid situation prevents that in this case. That being said, I don’t think any of those timeskip moments could really hit as hard as when I first read them in the manga. Narratively, that Haikyuu timeskip was so unexpected and so outside the normal sports anime formula, that the initial shock is extremely hard to top. It was fun to see how they presented everyone in the future (seeing Noya on that boat catching a giant swordfish, or seeing Ennoshita almost break a patient’s back) in stage form, but it’s unreasonable to expect them to give us the same feeling of ?!?!?!? when we first read that Noya was in Italy of all places after waiting weeks and weeks for him to show up.

I still cried in several places, it’s still a great ending to one of the best 2.5D franchises in existence, and it still feels like the culmination of their legacy. I don’t know how it would be possible for anyone to watch that ending sequence with all of the team flags and the chanting of their names, and NOT cry.

There are no more live streams until they complete the rest of their tour and then there will be a live-stream of the very last show, which I will be watching with a towel in hand for my tears. Feel free to send in any questions if you’d like, and if you would like some Strongest Challengers or Trash Heap merch, I have a sales post that I recently made.

[bloodraven55]

Cinder Fall and the Cycle of Abuse

I’ve not written a meta or long analysis post in a good while so I wanted to dip my toe back into that pond again, and with Volume 8 just around the corner this seemed like an appropriate topic to choose. I’ve wanted to take a closer look at Cinder as a character ever since the end of Volume 7, and the Volume 8 trailer finally gave me the push of inspiration I needed.

Anyway, the two main things I want to focus on here are the cycle of abuse we see between Salem and Cinder, and exactly how the story of Cinderella can also give us some solid insight into Cinder herself. With that said, let’s start at the very beginning.

One of the very first shots of Cinder we ever see in the show is a close up of Cinder’s feet as she steps out to face Ruby and Glynda, and that’s no coincidence. Cinder is wearing glass shoes and an alternative name for the story of Cinderella is literally “The Little Glass Slipper.”

But skipping ahead a little, Beginning of the End is one of the first episodes which gives us a real look at Cinder beyond the femme fatale persona she projects. Specifically, I’m interested in these lines:

I want to be strong. I want to be feared. I want to be powerful.

Strong, feared, and powerful. Those are Cinder’s primary objectives. Unlike Salem, her goal isn’t on a global scale. Cinder’s motivations are personal, and they tell us a lot about her. They tell us that she has been weak, afraid, and powerless in the past, which is why she is so desperate to become the opposite of that now. And this is far from the only moment which backs this idea up.

This is what happens when you hand over your trust, your safety, your children, to men who claim to be our guardians, but are, in reality, nothing more than men. Our Academies' Headmasters wield more power than most armies, and one was audacious enough to control both. They cling to this power in the name of peace, and yet, what do we have here?

She shows clear disdain for those who hoard power or overreach themselves, suggesting that she’s had bad experiences with similar people before, and she’s confirmed to be “jealous of those with natural talents.” (x)

You Atlas elites are all the same! You think hoarding power means you’ll have it forever, but it just makes the rest of us hungrier. And I refuse to starve.

All of this paints a very clear picture of Cinder as someone who came from nothing and has had to struggle and suffer to get to where she is now. And nowhere is this more exemplified than in the Grimm arm which is flat out consuming her humanity piece by piece. It’s a physical manifestation of how she’s sacrificed so many parts of herself in a bid to become so powerful that she never has to fear anyone else again.

And speaking of the Grimm arm, that brings me to the next thing I want to talk about. Who gave Cinder the Grimm arm? Salem. This is where the Cinderella allusion starts to tie in even more obviously again. I’m sure we’re all familiar with the characters of the wicked stepmother and the fairy godmother which are common to almost all tellings of the story.

Once you stop and think about it for a while, it becomes pretty apparent that Salem is meant to fill both roles in Cinder’s arc. Unlike the original tale where Cinderella was abused by her stepmother and saved by the fairy godmother, in this version Salem offered Cinder a way out of her bad situation and used that promise to keep Cinder in her service. She put on the mask of the fairy godmother before revealing herself as the wicked stepmother.

It’s anyone’s guess at the moment precisely what Cinder’s life was like before Salem found her, but my guess would be nothing too interesting. She was most likely simply an orphan or a poor child from a bad home. But Salem took advantage of that to manipulate her by showing her a way to turn her luck around if she worked for her.

Except, Cinder just ended up becoming the monster she used to be afraid of. We see several times that Cinder often emulates the way Salem treats her in the way she treats others, especially Emerald and Mercury. Yes, I know that Roman’s face in the first screenshot is hilarious lol.

Cinder places so little value on the people around her because Salem places so little value on her, and she learned that type of leadership by example.

In Volume 4 Salem defends Cinder from Watts in the first episode by telling him that she “see[s] no reason for [his] cruelty towards young Cinder,” but then by the end of the same season she’s intimidating Cinder into accepting pain as a way to become stronger: “I thought you were the girl who wanted power. Did you lie to me?”

This is a textbook cycle of abuse situation where someone who’s a victim of abuse from someone else then internalises that behaviour and turns it onto other people around them. It’s a fascinating twist on the source material of the Cinderella story, and something that humanises Cinder without providing a justification for any of the horrific things she's done.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it. I know a lot of people consider Cinder a fairly flat or boring character, or at least did in the past, but I think she’s more compelling as a villain than people give her credit for, and I’m very curious to see where her story goes next since they seem to be giving her a lot of focus right now in the show.

[annetteblog]

Intro & My take on KM

Hi!

I’m new around here so it’s supposed to be (not so short) introduction, since I don’t know how to start a blog heh. I hope to sprinkle my 0.5 cents into the KM conversation and maybe to bring a new perspective from someone, who is not a part of the typical English-speaking West.

Who /the hell/ Am I?  

(please, consider it to be said with NJ’s voice from Intro: Persona :D)

I was born in Siberia (it’s in the Asian part of Russia), currently live in the European part of the country while studying at a Uni (European in terms of geography, not in terms of everything else i’m definitely not shading rn lolllll). English is not my first language, I’ve just kind of learnt it to some extent. Due to this it takes me more time to write a post; and I may (and will) make some grammatical & other mistakes. Plus I’m lazy AND busy with Uni, so I won’t even promise to be consistent in posting smth lol. But I thought I need more practice in terms of writing in English, so here I am, actually scribbling something. This feels weird, because I’ve been around stan Tumblr since 2015, but never ever interacted, just read.

How I ended up around Jikook/Kookmin (and BTS) & My (long&messy) take on this matter

Although I had heard of BTS before, I became an Army only in October 2018. I had kinda avoided them, because you know... boybands.... sing songs about romantic love and how they love girls.......... (+I had been around Twitter when 1D been at their peak and I remember a quite toxic community of fans, whom always had scared me). Shortly, hello stereotypes. Obviously, after I got engaged I felt terribly sorry that I had been sleeping on them, but what is done cannot be undone. 

Someone I knew back then reposted one of their MVs and I, during my sad hours of procrastination, decided to watch it. Then I saw their live performance with the same song. And I thought “wow these guys can sing and dance and the music is kinda cool, i need to check this out maybe??” 

Then a funny thing happened. One of the next videos I watched (the same person had it added to their page) was a 2016 BangtanBomb where JM and JK practiced their Coming of Age dance. 

Do you know this moment with Gina from the 1st episode of Brooklyn 9-9:

Well, that was precisely me after I watched it. I don’t even know how to explain this, it was kind of a gut feeling? Whatever you call it, I started to get suspicious and couldn’t even explain to myself why. /actually now a do have questions to this vid and the main one - why does everyone cringe that much? if it’s a girly choreo than they had done some “girly” moves before. why is there such strong reaction??/

I started to get deeper and went to some ru-shipper communities. Shipping culture among Russian speaking fans is... well, weird to some extent, but I maybe address this topic some time later. You need to consider that (as far as you probably know) Russia is quite homophonic country and sadly is not the greatest place for LGBTQ+ community at the moment. The non-frienly influential attitudes hanging in the society + the general shippers’ weirdness = the result is not that nice honestly. 

I struggled for some time in order to find more mature people (not just in terms of age but in general sanity), failed, ended up with some EXTREMELY toxic ru-fans of TK, which was/is the most popular pairing here, spent among them like 15 minutes and ran away horrified. After that I didn’t even try to engage with shippers or believers or whatever of any pair and just decided to enjoy the music and the content (which is a great idea, highly recommend!)

After a couple of days I discovered that JK makes videos. I love video, films and visual art so I immediately found them on YT, saw the titles with names of different cities from all over the world and was like “Oh that must be so cool, he’s visited so many outstanding places I’ve never been to, so I really need to watch it! I shall enjoy some beautyyy”. Then I clicked on GCFt.

Well, what can I say. I did enjoy some beauty, but not the type I had initially anticipated. The biggest clickbait in my entire life. JK should be proud of himself.

                                       /as I said - the beauty/

I had already known Troy back then and I known the song’s lyrics so it would not be an underestimation to say - the video just blew my mind. I was like - hold on is this real? seriously?? no really really????? he manage to get away with something THAT obvious?????? dude how

As a person who edited videos AND is not a native English speaker, I don’t buy the explanation “oh he mustve didnt get the lyrics lmao”. You just don’t do that. You don’t. DON’T. You google and translate every shit you don’t understand, every word and idiom you’ve never encountered, because otherwise the possibility of an epic failure is very likely. You wouldn’t want to give your mum a video as a birthday present and then discover that you used a song with WAP-ish lyrics, right? (well maybe that would be okay in your family, I don’t judge, but that’s not the case for people I know). So don’t you dare to degrade JK’s intellectual capacities; such assumption is really offensive. He is a smart boii, he knows exactly what he’s doing in terms of his art.

So I was shocked, but decided to look for the context - maybe I missed some previous events regarding this Tokyo thing (another great idea - always check the context). Well, apparently I didn’t, because the whole narrative with the trip for two, lovely selfies etc. made my poor brain lowkey explode. (I still don’t buy the rings theory thing though)

But I didn’t give up lol! I’m a bit stubborn and it’s very hard to convince me in anything, so I decided to search for more context, more of their interactions, moreeee. Remember, the late October 2018, there were no swan lakes, RB, and even MMA18 hadn’t happened yet. 

This time I ended up watching content in more or less consistent way, and when I saw all of these scenes with affectionate JM and a cool badass i-don’t-care-about-anyone-i’m-a-manly-man-with-no-feelings-whatsoever JK, I just hysterically laughed. 

Homophobic Russia, remember? I recognized this. Growing up here being LGBT myself, taught me the same type behaviour during my high school days. When a girl I kinda liked but didn’t what to admit it to myself was nice to me or (oh god) flirted with me, I did something similar. It’s like a huge panic mode. Being an introvert doesn’t help either. The funniest thing is that you may not entirely realise what exactly is going on in terms of your own feelings, especially at that age (16-18ish). In my personal case, I thought I liked her but as a friend, only later to realise that well not as a friend oops :DDD The second thing (already not so funny) is that you actually consciously or unconsciously try to avoid the subject as much as possible, as long as possible and pretend that nothing is going on. We’re just bros. Stop doing this stupid gayish thing and don’t look at me like that, you’re annoying. If you ever do this again I (gently) kick you. I’m straighter than a straight line in my math textbook. IDK, but probably that’s your brain is somehow trying to protect you. Again, in my case&position I knew that the consequences for any non-straight person being outed would be bad (TW not to the point of being killed bad, but to the point of being excluded from a big part of society). So for me it was a mixture of the internalized homophobia + lack of self reflection + just being a bit emotionally slow + very! straight community around. Shit happens, I was a teenager and made my share of mistakes, but that experience helps me to recognize the same pattern of behaviour up to this day.   

So coming back to KM, because the post is already waaay too long and I just ramble. It’s been 2+ years for me being a part of this fandom, and what can I say... Things become more intense and eventful with every year passing by ;) Funny how I felt that vibe from the 2016 dance practice video. Seeing the Black Swan performance a week ago almost had me choked, no joking. They are amazing.

                                                    Pure Art

However, and I would like to emphasize that, I do not incline that KM are 100% romantically involved and/or gay or whatever. I tend to treat people with respect and not to make too much assumptions about their private life. That’s not my business. However, I’m also not a fan of heteronormativity, so I’m just sitting here and observe everything that’s going on putting some distance and not forgetting being generally polite and critical thinking. But if they are just straightest besties please give them an Oscar before Grammy

Anyways, I hope this blog won’t kick the bucket from the very start and I will post something every now and then. You can always ask me questions about some BTS/Jikook related stuff or something about Russia and a Russian view on mass culture topics, since I’m pretty sure some of you have very stereotypical view of what is going on here :) However, do note that I’ve never been to America or Europe, therefore I may not be aware of something verrrry obvious to you or just have a completely different experience. 

P.S.  And yeah, I’m used to say Jikook, since it’s the name which is used much more frequently in Russian.  i like it better and what will u do haha

[borat123]

NaruHina Analysis

Naruto Manga Part 1

Part 3

While everyone else doubt that Hinata could continue to fight, Naruto is seen getting very frustrated. He wants Hinata to prove that failures can change. By adopting his attitude she shows Naruto that she has the same mind set as him and that obviously creates a huge impact on the neglected orphan who no one pays any respect to. That someone admires him and adopts his nindo, that he has such an influence on someone is amazing to him. So thus he naturally respects her and believes in her. He’s very eager to watch and cheer for her, because he sees his own struggles in her and acknowledges her as an equal. While everyone else doubts, he believes and i think that’s very important.

Hinata attacks with all her strength, while Naruto’s words resonates in her mind. She never belittled Naruto, never judged him. She has always believed in him throughout her life, as we see in the flashbacks panels. We see here just how strong Hinata feels for Naruto. He is her comfort, her source of inspiration. She is treated like dirt by her family in a world that forces children to fight as soldiers. Hinata is a natural pacifist. Her calm and kind nature is too peaceful for war and perhaps that holds her back from her potential. Low self esteem and self doubt certaintly doesn’t help either. But when she looks at Naruto, she feels hope, that even she can achieve something, that she is worth something. She looks at the other ”failure” and feel admiration and hopefulness just from watching his behaviour. He’s load, she’s quiet. He is confident, she is insecure. He’s an extrovert, she’s shy. The opposite attracts.

May i ask why Kishimoto would bother to show this if it wasn’t important? Hinata is a side character, yet we see her internal dialogue and how she feels for the main character. All this has a meaning and the answer is that Hinata will become Naruto’s love interest.

Kurenai has seen how much Hinata has tried to change, even when she fails, she keeps trying. She even admits that, although Hinata will lose the match against Neji, Hinata has shown her will to change, and this is a huge step in the development of her character. Naruto is once again her source of inspiration. Knowing that Naruto is cheering for her and looking at her with completly diffrent eyes she feels confidence flow through her and believes in herself more than she ever has before. The look in her eyes says it all.

Hinata gets struck down by Neji and it looks like she has lost the match. I’ve seen comments from haters that say Hinata is weak or useless, but i mean really?! Do they even know who she’s fighting? We see two individual fights of Hinata, Neji and Pain. Neji is the Hyuga Prodigy and a genius, he is also a year older and fought with the intention to kill. And Pain, i mean oh boy. That bloke killed Kakashi, killed Jiraiya, defeated every single shinobi in the strongest village and blew it up with his own jutsu. Almost defeated Naruto and then still had enough Chakra to revive the whole village. He’s an absolute beast and has powers equal to a God. Only Naruto could defeat those two. Also if Hinata fought anyone else there except for Neji, Lee, Gaara, Sasuke and Naruto she most likely would have clapped them, with relative ease. Not everyone in the Hyuga Clan even unlocks the Byakugan and then they have to master the gentle fist. Which Hinata has done at the age of 12. (She also created her own jutsu in shipudden something that is on par with Naruto and Sasuke so she is far from weak).

The only thing that is on Naruto’s mind right now is Hinata. She is the only thing that matters to him and the only thing he can see in this moment. Naruto knows Hinata wants to change herself. He is seen getting quite upset when it appears that she is losing. Naruto payed so close attention to her that he was the first to notice that she was getting up and yelled very loadly to not stop the match. He was the only one that was not suprised to see her rise up. Of course, he knows she wants to change and this new knowledge of her earns his admiration and respect. He believes in her when everyone else does not and he wants to show them her guts and that she will fight until the end. He would do exactly the same.

Hinata rises up and keeps fighting, so she can prove to Neji that she can choose her own fate and change it. Naruto is proud of her.

Hinata then stands up against Neji and acts like the bigger person, and acknowledges the real problem. That it is Neji who is truly suffering. This enrages him and he goes into attack to kill her.

Hinata starts to cough up blood after the gentle fist damages her organs. Naruto screams out to her and is the first to rush over to her. He asks if she’s alright and holds her hand while she loses consciousness. That he reaches for her hand when he checks on her, shows just how strongly he bonded to her. (Kishi also has a thing for hand holding when it comes to romantic pairings *hint hint). He looks very worried for her as we can see from Hinata’s POV and stays with her until she loses conciousness completly.

Naruto doesn’t separate from Hinata until Neji addresses him, reminding him just the same words he told Hinata, a failure can never change.

Naruto gets extremly irritated by Neji’s provocation and Naruto says ”you want to test me?”. He then launches at him to beat him to a pulp. Just because he insulted him and thus also Hinata. Naruto was literally going to fight Neji right there and then just because of the way he treated Hinata, and remember this is just an official match, but Naruto reacts very passionatelly and personal to their fight that is technically none of his business. But he felt this personal bond with Hinata that made him react this way. Rock Lee stops Naruto just in time. He could also relate to Hinata since he’s also considered a failure like them, but for whatever reason Naruto is the one who gets much more angry and feels deeper, personal empathy and understanding for Hinata, he has a certain protective instinct regarding her. Which gets confirmed with his next action...

He remembers Hinata’s Ninja Way and bravery which amazed him, so he picks up her blood with his fingers, squeezes his hand and promises Hinata to defeat Neji for her under a vow of her own blood.

This is a very impressive gesture and speaks volume of how strongly Hinata reached to Naruto. This shows us Kishimoto’s intentions with Naruto and Hinata. Until now, Naruto has never looked so serious and passionate and made something so impressive, especially for what is essentially a side character. Something that he saw in Hinata triggered a protective instinct and made him trigger a very passionate gesture. My only conclusion is what Naruto felt during all this was the first signs of love. Love because he cared so much about her fight, love because he acknowledges her as a kindred spirit, love because he believed in her when nobody else did. This is all subconcious for him, but it is what made him react this way.

Maybe of topic here but when Naruto watched Sakura’s fight, he could not understand why she acted so aggresively with Ino, even due he has a similar rivalry with Sasuke. Kakashi even adresses this. Naruto just cant connect with Sakura. Meanwhile he has no problem understanding Hinata’s situation.

We can see here that his empathy for Hinata is what made him perform his blood vow. He formed a connection with Hinata and that connection was sealed with his blood vow. In Naruto we see how people are connected through blood, for example with the summoning jutsu. Naruto’s blood vow to Hinata was him sealing that connection between them. That will be all for this part. Here are the previous parts if you wanna read them.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

[twopoppies]

I’ve just finished watching the Billie Eilish documentary that just came out, and I’m just a bit at a loss for words. It starts off when she’s sixteen and her career from that point until the Grammys. The amount of pressure and work that’s been put on her is just so overwhelming. I felt so anxious just watching it, I can’t imagine what it must feel for her.

That got me thinking about the boys, obviously, and how they were her age and nearly going through the same thing. It’s obvious that they cut out so many things from “This Is Not Us”, but wow. Billie and the boys are famous for different reasons (in regards to what they do to “please” their audience), but I imagine it was similar for them as it is for her – maybe even more so. It just goes to show that we truly don't know what it was like for them in the band. Since this hiatus – if we can call it that – they've only talked a bit about what it was really like. Liam said that they had to keep so many things hidden and kept away, “we the quiet ones”. Harry has talked about the anxiety he had/has around certain people Simon Cowbell. And, obviously, Zayn has talked about related things pertaining to his mental health during the band, too.

I honestly wonder if we’ll ever get the full story. Because here we have a group of boys who we were told were best friends, happy-go-lucky guys who were just having fun making music and traveling the world. But there is so much more to the story, it's not possible to fit it into 90 minutes.

It's not exactly okay or fair to ask for the full story, especially when it isn't our story to ask for. Yes, we’ve virtually been lied to for years, but this was their lives – this was their childhood that was toyed with, not ours. If anything ever comes out, I sincerely hope that it's out of their own volition. And if they're struggling to come out with a certain story (which, I'm sure is what Copy of a Copy of a Copy is supposed to be), then I hope they win that battle soon. God knows they could help make a clearer path for artists like Billie all over the world.

Hi sweetheart. I don’t know anything about her, but I’m glad people are making documentaries about the realties of the music industry. I don’t think it’s actually possible to imagine the pressure One Direction were under. Not just because they became a multi billion dollar brand, but they were also thrust into the spotlight just as social media was taking off as a way to market to and reach consumers. They were so young and so naive and so taken advantage of in so many ways. 

In some ways I hope they get to tell the full story one day, but in other ways I can imagine how hard it would be for them having to relive all of that. I’m so glad Harry and Liam have both talked about going to therapy. I really hope the others have as well. 

[normal-thoughts-official]

If it’s alright that I spin off a little on your last ask, regarding that we know touch isn’t a big thing in shadowhunter culture. That just... kinda kills me a little bit? Because in the show Alec is so tactile?? Even with himself in always wringing his hands together (big mood tbh) and with Izzy and the fact that he always carefully touches Magnus’ shoulder whenever he wants to comfort him?? Like he’s so willing to be close and hug people to show appreciation and we KNOW they’re both so touch starved and they’ve both had to hold themselves back for different yet palpable reasons and like,,, UGH, then healing from the abuse together but without it being unhealthy codependency or necessarily trauma bonding but rather, they work out what it is they each need to heal from and they support each other through it and in that support they find so much comfort from just touching. Which leads me to your theory about how much intimacy there must be in hand holding for Magnus since that’s where he expresses his magic? And I feel like, maybe sometimes it’s almost a little too much and Alec notices because of course he does, so he just gives a little affirming squeeze before letting go and Magnus being kind of stunned cuz like?? Wow he noticed that I can’t handle this intimacy right now and that’s okay apparently?? Wow imagine that. Like I just andhnsg I love their love and understanding of each other and I love that Alec doesn’t even seem to care that he initiates everything because he gets it!!! He knows Magnus might be ready one day but until then he’ll take the reigns and Magnus feels so safe in knowing he doesn’t HAVE to do anything!! Because he’s enough regardless!! Wow I’m a puddle

yes!! yes!!!! you absolutely get it!!!!!!! honestly alec and magnus have struggled with very similar things, and even have some similar tropes in how that affected their psyche (like they both obviously feel like they have to be useful and put themselves in a position where they have to solve other people's problems and be their caretakers in a way), i think the main difference between them is that magnus internalized it while alec not so much internalized it as understood that that's the safest way he would get to live. like of course there is stuff alec internalized but... with stuff like touch, we see how tactile he is, like u said. he is always touching magnus! grabbing his hand, his shoulder, going for kisses, getting into his personal space, chest poke, etc etc etc.

i think a part of that is thanks to izzy? like again mandatory disclaimer that i know izzy did a lot of shit and was extremely unhelpful to alec, but the fact is that izzy is very tactile and way less into obeying everything about shadowhunter culture. like we saw the way she was playing with max, then immediately stopped when she saw her mom, she knows she's not supposed to, but instead of alec who tries to play by the rules, she allows herself to rebel and do what she wants. partially, of course, because alec is already taking the role of the obedient child, and we know that he took most of the pressure from the lightwoods unto his own back so he could protect his younger siblings from it. so partially izzy "gets" to rebel (altho of course she faces a lot of abuse for it) because alec doesn't. but i also think that, beyond the eldest sibling syndrome, alec just... is very practical in that sense and if he's learnt that that is the way he should act, he's gonna follow it. the fact that izzy is very tactile and questioned all that stuff helped alec not internalize it as much by a lot, imo. also, like, he got to at least have one (1) person he could be tactile with, because we know that the lightwood sibs are all over each other (good for them!)

and i totally get what you mean about their relationship and the healing! it's one of the things i find very interesting about their relationship, because while they have SO much in common, including the abuse and suicidal ideation history, and have managed to help each other through the worst of it plenty of times... that wasn't really a big thing in how they bonded and built their relationship? which is SO great, because that balance isn't easy to pull off. like the main reason they are together is because they are FRIENDS and they have fun together and they are supportive and they are compatible, it's not built on their trauma at ALL, but it also doesn't ignore it. like they managed to make that something they can relate to the other without making it a pillar of their relationship, which almost inevitably leads to codependency or toxicity. and i just fucking love that for them

and again they are not really trying to fix each other (their talk about suicide and all was SO great, like... magnus didn't ask alec to live for him, or to stop hurting himself, or any other thing that would most definitely not work and just lead to alec hiding from him, he just made sure to open that channel of communication and ask alec to be open to him about it, ya know? and the same when magnus told alec about his past, alec didn't try to fix it or make magnus forget it or anything of the sort, he just made sure that channel was open and that magnus knew he would always support him and be on his side and wouldn't judge him for his past and aaa) but they actually have a dynamic that does them good? particularly i think exactly that i was talking about, with magnus being always scared of making the first move and thinking he's too much, and alec genuinely just wanting to shout from the rooftops and do everything he had been denying himself so far. like again i want to see magnus grow confident enough to love unapologetically and make the first move, but the fact that alec is so confident and open about what he feels does magnus so much good. and it's not something alec is trying to do - which is good, because that's not his job - it's just something that really works between them because it's how alec genuinely wants to be. you know what i mean??

or the way alec is always willing to have difficult conversations and is always so honest about how he feels and does not play any kind of games... like magnus is so used to navigating conversations and relationships like it's chess, because he needs to be careful to protect himself, but alec is just... not interested in being anything other than himself. and again he's not trying to do something that makes magnus feel more at ease and second-guess himself less, it just happens to be how he is and it happens to be really good for magnus

or the way neither of them expect the other to fix their problems is good because they both think they have to fix everyone's problems, preferably on their own, which is not good for them OR their relationships. and i could go on forever tbh. my point is: they do each other good, not because they are constantly trying to help each other, but because their dynamic is good and they are compatible in that way

and god yeah that thing you said about intimacy like!!! i think most of the time magnus needs and craves intimacy and just doesn't know how to ask for it, but they are also just so respectful of boundaries and pay so much attention to each other in that sense, you know? and yeah alec realizing that magnus might feel too vulnerable and letting go while also reassuring him that it's ok and he's not angry or disappointed is just... good shit. and like not to project but magnus being genuinely so shocked that alec even realized that something was too hard for him without him having to even say it? fucking imagine that. it lowkey blows his mind

but also all the vulnerability and implicit trust of handholding when hands mean so much for warlock culture and the fact that to him it's both an act of sharing and of trusting, because like - canonically, if you hold a warlock's hands down, they can't use their magic. so it's such a vulnerable act, both due to that and the fact that he is literally giving alec access to his own strength and magic source, and alec is doing the same too! just aaaaaa it means so much and i KNOW i've talked about this already but i lose my mind!!!

also alec being so fucking happy whenever magnus initiates those touches?? especially handholding? knowing how much that means for magnus and also just because he loves it and we know that? like again i can't get over the way he just grabbed magnus' hand and started towing him along to that locker thing (LET'S GO MAGNISS). or the way he smiled up at magnus when they held hands during lorenzo's party? chef's kiss. 10/10

so like him being genuinely happy both for himself because he gets to hold a man's hand (magnus' hand!!) to his heart's content and for magnus because he knows how much that means for him. honestly i think at the beginning alec didn't even realize he was always the one initiating stuff because he was just so drunk on getting to do everything he wanted and he was just like Must Hold Magnus' Hand all the goddamn time but of course eventually he's gonna notice, especially as he gets to realize the extent of magnus' insecurities, which i think he lowkey doesn't because the idea that magnus doesn't know how he feels about him just sounds RIDICULOUS when it's like, overwhelming to him sometimes, and not something he ever second guessed. but anyway, once he does realize he just... gets it and is mostly sad for magnus but he doesn't mind initiating it most of the time, on the contrary, he loves getting to do it after so long of holding himself back. but he's also happy for magnus' every step you know

also eventually magnus is gonna reach the point where he is just drunk on the fact that he GETS to express how he feels without fear and he is kind of all over alec the way alec is all over him and i bet alec loves it doahdsah he's just smiling or even laughing all the time when magnus touches him and they are both just so happy to have each other and aaa im dying

[bakujho]

Strap in folks, it’s rant time.

So, let's talk a bit about manipulation and abuse present in fandom. It’s uncomfortable, but fuck it lets go, I’m tired of the “good vibes only” push that sweeps all this shit under the rug. I’m not pretending to be an expert by a longshot here and I’m happy to discuss, but I have dealt with enough abusive and manipulative people personally and professionally to spot em a fucking mile away and generally keep my distance. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a gross trend where there are people being attacked, then are guilted into keeping quiet because the Abusers make it seem like it’s not worth mentioning or that it doesn’t really matter... Unfortunately, the Abusers know exactly what they’re doing, they’re really fucking good at it, and they know exactly the kind of response they’re going to receive (because in some cases, this isn’t the first fandom they’ve pulled this same shit in). 

Right off the bat though, lets get some basic facts about fandom out of the way. No one in fandom owns any character: be it interactions, personality or anything else about said character. No fandom creator owns an idea, or has any right to tell people off for having similar ideas/techniques/styles etc. There’s no such thing as a completely original singular thought, and pretty sure if you think of something ‘original’, there’s inspiration from another source. No one owns a hairstyle, a costume, a backstory, a colour scheme, an item, a scar etc etc. If someone has a similar thing, neat, clearly you’ve got similar tastes. If someone has a carbon copy of your creation on multiple points, ABSOLUTELY question it, but having the same hairstyle isn’t copyright infringement, and having a similar history isn’t ripping someone off, it’s coincidence. 

Going to put the rest under the cut, CW for manipulation tactics, abuse, and all those sorts of goodies.

So, I’ll start with the Abusers here. Everyone knows who they are, they know who they are, unfortunately the victims of them are worried about speaking out because, for the most part, the ones abusing people are in a position of perceived power and speaking out against them can put the victim in a tricky position. No one wants to be ousted from a fandom they enjoy for speaking out against someone that’s been around fandom since its inception. Which brings me to my first point.

Power: Abusers LOVE the feeling of having power (be it follower count, general clout, perceived hierarchy etc) and get really uncomfortable when they feel someone new comes to threaten their position. So, what do these people do in that situation? Option A is to completely ignore and hope they’re not dethroned, Option B is befriend immediately and subtly manipulate the person to keep a close eye on their actions. Keep your friends close, but enemies closer amirite? 

So how the fuck does a person subtly manipulate another person, shouldn’t it be obvious? Fuck man, I wish. But there’s a lot of different techniques used to keep people reigned in and submissive: guilt tripping, evasion/diversion, attention seeking, lying, intimidation, playing the victim etc etc. So obviously these will all present differently based on the abuser, but the goal of all of them is the same. To stay in power, and keep control over everything they can. 

So how would all of these present online? (of course these examples leave some wiggle room for context lost in text/translation/cultural differences etc, but for the most part it all fits the same pattern that the abuser would use in a face to face situation). 

Guilt- tripping: “Well you wouldn’t be here if not for me” “You owe me for your place in the fandom” “well if we really were friends you’d do this for me…” etc etc. Things that pit your emotional attachment to the Abuser against you, the closer you are, the easier it is. Suddenly the Victim finds themselves indebted to the Abuser for their ‘friendship’ that the Victim didn’t realize was conditional. 

Shaming: Invalidating the victims feelings by saying things like “even a child knows better than this”, “it’s okay you don’t understand, you’re probably young”, “I’ve been around fandom longer so I know how things go” etc etc. It makes the Victim feel like they’ve done something wrong by drawing boundaries for themselves, or sticking up for themselves. Remember, the Abuser doesn’t want to lose their crown so they will talk down to their Victims to make them more unsure of their stance, second guess themselves, and feel bad that they spoke up in the first place. 

Projection: “Others have done X to me, I would NEVER do the same” It’s a simple yet effective tactic. The Abuser takes the things they’ve done to people, say it happened to them, and shift the blame to the now faceless enemy so the Victim feels obligated to side with the abuser because, yea, those things mentioned fucking SUCK and no one wants to experience it. No one wants to be that asshole saying “no you deserved it” (because no one fucking deserves to be doxxed, swatted, hacked, etc etc)

Playing-the-victim: Abusers LOVE playing this game. It’s their bread and butter to set the stage for manipulation. “Having a really hard time rn, sorry im such a fuckup”, “struggling with mental health”, “this is all so hard for me” (legit though, if you are struggling please seek help where/when you can, mental health is important). So any of these statements alone can be harmless, and overlooking someone's mental health can have dangerous outcomes, HOWEVER, when these sort of statements are paired with the other things mentioned, it’s no longer simply a vent or a way to work past personal demons, it’s a way to gain sympathy and support, and it is very intentionally done to garner that emotional response from those that will listen to them. 

Attention-Seeking: can be as simple as “no one interacts with me anymore”, making a dramatic vague post, deleting that same post and making a newer, more dramatic post but this time seeking affirmation from the good responses of the last post, posting cryptic messages that ooze “ask me what happened” (vaguebooking is a plague), basically anything that is asking for a response without asking. How is it manipulative though? Guilt. If you’re aware of the Abuser, these types of posts are meant to abuse the Victim's sense of empathy, the natural response to these sorts of posts is “what happened, I’m sorry that happened to you”. 

Diversion/Evasion: straight up changing the subject or switching the blame to anywhere BUT the Abuser. The Abuser says “change X you’re copying me”, the Victim responds “I feel I didn’t copy you”, and the Abuser presses “well the fandom might not think so” and changes it from a personal issue to a larger, more aggressive problem. In this case, the Abuser is the ONLY one with a problem, but are purposely misleading the victim to take the blame off themselves. It’s not THEIR problem, it’s the FANDOMS problem...now making it the Victims problem. 

Blame: Abusers love to blame everyone BUT themselves for their perceived problems. Fandom isn’t interacting with them as much? It’s the fandom that’s dying. More drama in the fandom? Well there’s too many people here now. Getting called out for bad behavior? That’s the problem of the person who CLEARLY doesn’t understand how fandom must work. It’s the age old tale of “I’m perfect, it’s obviously everyone else who is wrong”. At what point does the Abuser realize that they may be the cause for their own misery? They don’t. 

Intimidation: This is a fun one that’s usually a last resort because if the Abuser is pretending to be a sheep caught in a snowstorm, it doesn’t look good for them to publicly announce they’ve been the wolf the whole time. It looks like “well I have X on you”, “if you only knew what I could say about you”, and “I could ruin you” type shit. Of course, in most cases, the Victim hasn’t done anything to warrant this sort of aggression, but the queen is losing her pawns and is now grasping for anything to fight back with. And who knows what sort of lengths the Abuser has gone to to gain information on the victim. It’s pretty easy to find out a lot about a person online, so the Victims back down due to the threat of the unknown.

Avoidance: refusing to talk about the problem, which is an issue I have with fandom itself, in this case. The “no drama good vibes only” is so fucking detrimental when there are problems that need to be addressed. An Abuser will push the narrative that they’re only here for a good time and don’t want drama, while actively creating drama in the shadows. Its not a problem if we don’t talk about it, right? If no one knows, it’s fine. It’s fine. No, it’s manipulative, and if there are problems they NEED to be talked about, because that’s how you find resolutions. 

Denial: This one ties in with avoidance and blame, in that the Abuser will straight up deny that they’ve ever been, or have ever created a problem. The Victim is making a big deal from nothing, they can’t control how others feel about them, so they’ve done nothing wrong. The Abuser will claim they had the best intentions when approaching someone, so clearly they have done nothing wrong. 

Lying: Including omitting any information from arguments that may paint the Abuser in a bad light. The Abuser absolutely doesn’t want anyone to find out what they’re up to, so they’ll say exactly what they need to to change the narrative surrounding them. It could be minor changes to conversations to complete fabrications. Ex “I only approached X to make sure they were okay after X happened”, but X screenshots tell a completely different story. It’s not always easy to catch an Abuser in a lie, especially when there’s the push for “no drama” so no one talks about their personal experiences and can confirm/deny what was/reported to be said. 

So bringing all of those points together and bringing it back to the Abuser wanting to have the power to control what they like/don’t like in fandom. Once they have that feeling of invincibility, they may coyly ask people to delete posts that could lead back to them looking bad, politely ask another creator to change their creation because the Abuser doesn’t like it, or them asking nicely to stop interacting with another member of fandom the Abuser doesn’t like. It may not seem like much at a first glance...after all they asked nicely. However, once you look a little harder and a little longer, it becomes very clear that the intention is to stay in control. The Abuser will do ANYTHING to stay on top, and will employ every trick they have in their arsenal to sew discord and mistrust amongst other members of the fandom to keep the fingers pointed anywhere but at themselves.

So, sound familiar to anyone? My inbox is open for anyone who wants to chat about the topic. If I’ve now made you uncomfortable and you’re going to unfollow/block, cheers, wish you the best. And if you’re feeling called out and attacked by my post? GOOD, stop being a fucking shitty person. 

A few last reminders before adding some resources:

Setting and enforcing personal boundaries is not abuse.

Choosing not to interact with those who make you uncomfortable is not rude.

It is important to call out abuse when you encounter it, it could save someone from becoming a victim themselves.

Always stand up for yourself, you’re your own best advocate. 

Now for some resources: I used a few of these while researching along with my old textbooks from my psych, abnormal psych, and human relations classes I took back in university.

Manipulation tactics

How to recognize a guilt trip

How to spot an attention seeker

[janewatson]

Helluva Boss Trailer Analysis!

Yes, I watch this.  Yes, I like it.  No, I won’t argue with you about it.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s just say that I was up when the trailer dropped, and was still up for a bit after.  I’ve watched it so many times now, just absorbing everything, and now it’s time to break it down.

I’ve seen a few breakdowns already, but I noticed that there were a few things people hadn’t mentioned.  So I’m tossing my hat in the ring, let’s see if we can figure out what Vivziepop has in store for us!

I’ll be breaking down by scene, as well as go over voiceovers and predictions real quick, so prepare for a read after the cut!

Ok, first, had to laugh at Millie’s Peppermint Vodka Molotov Cocktail.  Creative, but what a waste of vodka :(  The background is of a beach, but she’s not in beach clothes (let’s face it, a bikini would probably kill Moxxie)

Moxxie is shooting at something while he’s swinging from a rope in a deserted theater.  Piano on the floor, and a sun pattern on the back wall

Blitzø (thanks for the copy/paste, Google) cleaving a blonde in half with a baseball bat.  Damn, he stronk!

Diss Summar’, with the little doodles!  So cute :3

Drunk/drugged/in shock Moxxie, poor Millie, and something big bursting out from the water behind.  Tied to first scene?

Stolas’ ‘Special Access’ bit from the Sneak Peeks, talking about the Harvest Moon festival in Wrath

Moxxie and Blitzø in a green lit room, looks like a two-way mirror on the wall.  Interrogation?

Correction to ‘Diss Season’ XD  Hopefully that means we’ll get an episode before spring, but if they need more time, that’s understandable

Glammed up Stolas at some kind of burlesque, owned by Asmodeus ‘Ozzie’, Prince of Hell’s Lust circle.  Wonder why he’s there...

CHERUBS!!!  Also from the Sneak Peeks, we know that this is a commercial, and that the TV showing said commercial gets blown up a few seconds later

Angry Blitzø, probably yelling at Moxxie, being scared shitless by a hellhound behind him.  I think this is a repo/impound/chop-shop guy who took IMP’s van, as in a later scene, they’re shown in a fence with other cars, especially because Blitzø yells ‘RUN’ at the end of the scene

Loona and Blitzø filming someone’s misery (again, probably Moxxie).  They’re in western outfits, but they’re probably still in Hell

Tentacle wrapping around drugged Moxxie and taking him, too fast for Millie to react and stop it.  Again, looks like it’s tied to the first and fifth scenes

Sassy Blitzø, probably talking to the repo-hellhound or punching-bag Moxxie.  Same setting as scene 11

Blitzø running to the window of what looks like a recording studio, with ‘VM’ spray painted on the doors next to him.  He looks distraught, but it’s not clear why

Recently choked-out Moxxie recovering, while being frame by a spiny-tailed Imp wearing what I assume is a serape, since it looks like they’re on the ranch Loona and Blitzø cheered a poor soul, scene 12

DEPRESSED BIRD DADDY.  WHY ARE YOU SAD???  IS IT GONNA MAKE ME SAD??? OH NO I’M NOT READY unless its a flashback, but stilllll

Perturbed Blitzø holding his special flintlock in a western-themed room.  Looks like he has his outfit from scene 12 on, probably the same episode, but whatever happened/is going to happen, it’s not good

Dressed-up Moxxie, who probably jumped bombed a performance, is upstaged by Robo Fizz and most likely a Robo Ozzie, given the designs on its’ head(s).  He looked uneasy even before the Robos popped up, so something else was going on first.

Scaley eye blinking and getting MAD, attached to the tentacle that kidnapped Moxxie?

50% off add for Spring Break victims, complete with coffee stain, and Blitzø‘s horse doodles.  I got a mental image of Moxxie scolding Blitzø for drawing at work, so he BS’d it into an ad.

Either Blitzø is a terrible driver, or they’re trying to speed away from someone.  Repo-hound, maybe?

HUMAN!!!  Almost definitely a human pop-star singing on a Coachella-esque stage!  I tried to fill in her name, but could only get ideas of what some letters were.  Her initials are most likely VM, from the recording studio scene, but the bottoms of some letters could be an E or L, K or R, so we’re left with V~(L/E)(K/R)OSI(K/R)A MA~~.  It also looks like she’s wearing heels, so she may be the person who threw Blitzø in a later scene

Moxxie about to be trampled by what can only be a horse, given his outfit.  Loona and Blitzø are probably filming XD

Shocked Stolas, standing up at table.  Same outfit as the burlesque, but he doesn’t looked surprised enough that it’s the part where Moxxie is upstaged, more something emotionally jarring.  Blitzø kissing someone else, maybe?

Blitzø pushing Moxxie out of the way and pinning him just outside a Hell portal in an alley, most likely Earth.  Blitzø looks mad, and rightly so, as he’s looking a little beat up himself.  Connected to the interrogation scene?

Happy Blitzø turns horrified outside some elevators with Moxxie.  Judging by the water cooler in the back, I think he’s about to slam into the recording studio.  Behind him, Moxxie gives no shits

Blitzø looking miffed, maybe at something Moxxie said.  Looks like the same scene with the repo-hound, as the setting itself looks like an impound lot, with the IMP van smack-dab in the middle of it.  I love that the license plate is IMP-666 though

Unhappy Blitzø (ok, let’s be honest, when IS he happy?)

Moxxie swinging Millie around in the deserted theater, passionately frenching each other

Blitzø getting pushed down by a horned, high-heeled... someone.  Again, might be the pop star from earlier, but there’s horns...  Maybe the pop star is human-passing, and has an alternate demonic form, like the Hazbin Hotel cast?

Western-clad Blitzø pulling his flintlock on someone, most likely before scene 18.  Most definitely Hell, judging by the poster and previous scenes, but I’m digging the décor

Blitzø not getting a break at all during this trailer and being yeeted into a dumpster, which closes on him.  Gonna take a stab and say it’s outside the burlesque Stolas and Moxxie were in, from the colors and posters of Lust Ring, Personal Companion Robo-Fizz, and Angel Dust.

The next scene is of him climbing out of a dumpster to fall into another pile of trash.  He just doesn’t get a break, does he?  It doesn’t look like the dumpster outside the burlesque, but it is similar to the alley with the hell portal, where Blitzø pinned Moxxie.  Maybe not the same scene, but most likely same episode.

Editor being absolutely plastered, teasing all the fun stuff to come in 2021, since 2020 can go f*ck itself.

And that’s a really in-depth breakdown of all the scenes in the trailer!  Now, for the voiceovers.

First, Loona’s asking if anyone ‘Can feel that?’.  Interesting thing to ask, so we’ll have to wait and see what catastrophe happens

Millie gently yelling at Moxxie to ‘DON’T PANIC’

A calm voice announcing an elevator’s departure to the Lust circle of Hell, which is most likely where the burlesque and Robo scenes are.  As to who is going, it’s either Stolas or the IMP crew, or maybe both?

Horny Stolas cooing ‘Oh, Blitzy!’, followed by Loona’s ‘SHUT THE F*CK UP’ from the Loo Loo Land episode.  Finally, I have a high-res clip I can set as my ringtone!

Blitzø yelling  ‘Dammit, Moxxie, this is all your fault!’, which may or may not be true since he scapegoats Moxxie, who replies ‘How is this my fault???’

Pop star asking, ‘Y’all ready to get f*cked up and make some b*tchin’ bad choices?’.  It’s most likely her talking, since the her lips synch up with her scene, and it’s a new voice we haven’t heard before.

Moxxie’s cut off ‘M*THERF*CKER!!!’.  So happy I get to hear Invader Zim go off, poor boy needs it XD

Blitzø being Blitzø and trying to tone down a big deal, stating again that he doesn’t pry into their personal lives, even though he obvious does (see Helluva Boss Pilot for more)

Robo Fizz’s line from Loo Loo Land asking if anybody loved Blitzø.  I’m gonna be honest and say that line choked me up in Loo Loo Land, and so did Blitzø’s response, until ‘But I’m really good with guns now.  DANCE, B*TCH!’

Moxxie ending with ‘That is deeply unsettling’, again from Loo Loo Land.  Throwing shade on Helluva Boss haters, maybe? :3

All right, now, predictions!

Chaos in a theater, with focus maybe on Millie and Moxxie’s relationship, maybe an origin story?  It won’t be the only one, with the tentacle beach monster and drugged Moxxie bits, so we can expect a lot of story and character development from the two of them.

Farm episode!  Blitzø either drags them onto a farm, or there’s a client who invites them, but sh*t will happen.

Really excited to see what happens in the Lust ring, and for the return of Robo Fizz!  Baby boy only got a few minutes of screen time, but is currently my favorite character.

Repo episode of rescuing the IMP van, probably resulting in overall team building and character development.  I really want to see Loona tear a new one into that *sshole-looking hellhound, though.

Pop star episode!  Really excited to meet this new character, I wonder what her name is and how close I was XD  Either Blitzø and Moxxie break into her recording studio to meet her, or she’s a client, but we’ll see!

Trapped on Earth/Run in with Earth authorities episode?  That interrogation room didn’t exactly look Hellish, and they obvious meet some kind of resistance while on Earth that looked like it was gonna get messy...

Stolas episode!  Please please please be flashback and story, I loved Loo Loo Land but really want some more lore and development on his character and maybe relationship with Blitzø.  Bird obviously needs to work through some things, and I really want to watch him grow, ever since I saw him struggle to tell Octavia why he was cheating.  Him stuttering and ultimately being unable to find a reason why really hit home, and I’m glad it was something they included since in media, it’s always ‘Well, she’s really ugly’ or ‘I don’t love him anymore’.  He still has feelings for his wife, but wanted to f*ck Blitzø too.

Even without the trailer, we do know that we’re getting episodes focusing on CHERUB and a Harvest Moon festival, but still.  There’s so much content Vivzie and Co have been working hard to make, and I can’t wait to see what they have in store for us.  Dark comedy aside, there’s so much story they can make just around these four characters, following their growth and happenings around Hell.  It’s such a cool premise and one that hasn’t been washed and worn so many times, like cop or murder shows, and I can see this going on for quite a bit.

Well, here’s to an exciting 2021!  Thank you for all your hard work, Vivizepop, keep it up!

[gayregis]

What do you think Regis and Ciri's relationship would be like? I was always a little upset that Geralt said he wanted Ciri to meet Zoltan and Reinart but he didn't say that about Regis or anyone from the Hansa. Do you think he wanted Ciri to meet Regis? What do you think their relationship would be like? I didn't understand why Regis was so impressed by Citi in Stigga, if she was obviously scared and they had like 5 min to talk. I don't like that all the characters are thrilled with Ciri at first sight. I also afraid that Ciri won't overcome her dislike of vampires as a witcher, and she and Regis won't have become friends :( What your thoughts on it?

this is such a good series of questions!!

i think that geralt did want ciri to meet the hansa, and i suppose she did - she mentions that they buried the bodies of geralt’s comrades outside of stygga when they left - though in the case of regis, of course, there was nothing left to bury. but i imagine that, in these moments, geralt told ciri about each member, their memories “living on” through story, which, in the witcher, is a form of immortality after death. but i think he specifically mentions wanting ciri to meet reynart and zoltan specifically because he thought (incorrectly, in reynart’s case :( ) that they were still alive, as opposed to the hansa, who he all saw either die in front of him or their corpses later when they buried them.

specifically for regis, i think geralt would have wanted ciri to meet him as they did become close and also regis helped a lot in terms of being geralt’s confidant during the quest to save ciri. but i also think that geralt would be still concious of how bizarre his and regis’ friendship is, and would think about it before any introductions - then again, the witcher seems to have less of these “planned introductions” and rather more of “by the seat of your pants introductions,” like when dandelion first meets ciri, it was both somewhat expected as (iirc?) they knew they were going to meet up with the other party (geralt and dandelion, yennefer and ciri), but how they actually meet up is a different story, because nothing in the witcher can ever be a calm summer afternoon, of course. so i believe that “the best” circumstances would be something like a formal introduction of ciri to all of the hansa members, geralt would simply introduce them all at the same time, because they’re each equally important in relation to him and ciri. i don’t thnk it would make sense for geralt to introduce regis separately from the rest of the hansa, because it would just take his character out of context (unless, of course, they were in some situation where the rest of the hansa wasn’t around). (and besides the point, but i think the most awkward formal introduction would be between cahir and ciri, because, it wouldn’t be an introduction at all, rather a third meeting. and canonically, cahir had dreams of ciri, so it would be even weirder since he’s already seen her a bunch and she hasn’t seen him at all.)

i think, honestly, a formal introduction between regis and ciri would go well, i don’t think too much would occur, even if only because of having questions but feeling that it’s not the right place or time to ask them -- like in a class, when a teacher asks, “any questions?...” and the entire class holds their breath because everyone is confused but no one knows exactly what to say -- i think it would be like that, because regis and ciri are BOTH very very naturally curious! regis would want to ask, so this is the child of destiny, this is your daughter, etc, etc, and ciri would want to ask pretty much everything about him to understand who he is. but i think both would understand, through experience, that a first introduction isn’t the time to ask every single question you have about a person. so it would be kind, but maybe overly formal becase of that awkwardness.

 i of course have all these headcanons and such about regis becoming a parental and mentor figure to angouleme, so i’m inclined to compare their relationship to that with ciri, but i think that would be a mistake. because angouleme and ciri are similar in build and appearance, and some traits and experiences of course, but they’re still different in my opinion, and their difference is exponential when you consider the differences of how angouleme and regis met VS how ciri and regis met, and that angouleme had no one else in her life VS ciri already has parents she loves. so instead of being more parental and advice-giving, i think regis would be kind to ciri of course, but i don’t think they would ever spend a lot of time together because ciri already has parents to spend time with, so regis would be still a sort of avuncular figure, good for advice and to listen, but not the main source of support. which is fine, i think. i think that the thing that ciri would most rely upon regis for would be dealing with her actions from when she was a rat, i think both regis and ciri have come out of a period where they have been the source of a lot of violence, and ciri may struggle with this and need advice from someone who’s been through it already.

i feel like regis also wasn’t overly impressed with ciri when he met her, his reaction seems more like dandelion’s to me, where she just appears as some young girl, the young girl that she is. i think only the observant or the close to ciri will understand that she is powerful (geralt, yennefer, milva (observant), cahir (half and half, i think he only understands it later)). regis and dandelion are observant in that they are intelligent and academics, but they often miss the background, the “fabric of reality” as i’ve referred to it -- things like the horseprints in the snow, regis was very willing to explain away as being somthing mundane, not considering it could have been something else. i think this logicalness of his character and unintentional insensitivity to the “powers that be” would make him more stumped than astute with ciri, unable to really figure her out despire having experiences in common with her. another trait that ciri and regis both share is being mysterious and a little closed-off if one doesn’t pry, and since they have no real reason to pry, i don’t think they’d be as close as characters that are more opposite to one another in this respect.

although regis did frighten ciri when they first met in stygga, i feel like they would totally get over that after a while. although dandelion aphoristically says in a little sacrifice that there’s never a second chance to make a good first impression, i think to how geralt and ciri got off on the wrong foot, as did yennefer and ciri -- and even though it was a more severe misunderstanding with yennefer, she ultimately became closer to yennefer than anyone else. so i don’t think that regis’s first impression to ciri would affect their friendship down the line that much, since ciri seems to have a knack for getting into poor first impressions with adults. but i do think it would influence how she sees him, because of course it would. everyone else met regis as he is normally, the pinnacle of kindness and thoughtfulness -- ciri saw him basically turn an entire room into hellish chaos and rip a guy’s throat out! it’s comical to us as the readers because we know regis and his very mild-mannered side, but to ciri, this would have been terrifying, of course demonstrated by her clenching her jaw so her teeth wouldn’t chatter. i don’t think that there’s any reason that they couldn’t eventually get over this, but i think it would definitely influence how ciri sees regis overall -- i think that even geralt sometimes forgets about what regis is capable of, like in lady of the lake when he vehemently defends regis’s right to be present in a coversation, when regis can actually just overhear the entire conversation although he walked away. to sort of summarize the situation, if your friend, who is a normal guy to you, had epic powers that you saw a couple of times, but he never really used them around you that much, you might not think of him as some kind of force VS, when you met your friend for the first time he was demonstrating his epic powers in full force... you would be way more aware of his power. but, these friendships may not have been super different at heart, because there’s still the same people involved in them. this is what i think, that ciri would just be the one who’s most aware that regis is a vampire, because she’ll never forget the first meeting -- but that does not necessarily mean she would end up trusting or liking him less at all!

i feel with the context of ciri being a witcher, it’s interesting because by the time regis appears in the series, the term of “witcher” is beginning to be unraveled with its threads examined for the readers. regis is part of this, and cahir is as well -- though regis is a monster, geralt has no desire to kill him, and yet cahir is a man, and geralt has a desire to kill him. the term of “monster” is questioned to hell and back throughout the entire series, but especially in regards to i think to these characters: geralt, regis, cahir, ciri, vilgefortz, and bonhart. each is a “monster” in some respect, either being labelled as one or doing monstrous things, or both. in ciri’s case, it becomes way more about “good” and “evil” than it does for geralt, who is more concerned with the original exploration of “human” and “monster.” for ciri, she actually became evil, she was a monster. but through many things, she learned her lesson and becomes something much more vague than just “good” or “evil” in the end. this is a lot like regis, who transversed the dichotomy of “evil monster” and “good human” to become something that’s neither of each (well, regis strives to be a good human, but just because he strives for it does not mean he 100% is that). so i think that because they have that similiarity, they would be more understanding of one another. especially with time as ciri begins to understand herself and the concept of evil more (as she had difficulty with vysogota -- the paradox is that she herself became evil, but then of course has her famous “repay evil” speech -- by that logic, she would want to exterminate herself, her ethical logic being clouded by self-preservation... but i think by the end she comes to realize that her evil was wrong as well, that she is not innocent, and even though this is true, she can still work against evil).

tldr ciri and regis are very similar characters, they would be friends due to this mutual understanding, but he would not be the most important figure in her life. they would likely bond over their shared struggles with good & evil, and also likely bond over making fun of geralt (as everyone does in this series)

[hopevalley]

Season 8, Episode 9: Pre-Wedding Jitters

Y’all know what’s wild? The season is coming to a close! I feel like we just got started with Season 8, and it’s already nearly over. I’m not ready for things to end...except the love triangle. Lol.

One important thing I want to talk about, before we move on to my regularly scheduled episode write-up, of course, is the quality of the writing and filming this season. I really feel like the team took a step back and thought very carefully about how to improve the show, and then they went through the effort of actively trying to improve things. 

Are there still badly-written areas of the show? Absolutely. Are there things I loathe seeing? Yes. Are there plotlines that are extremely contrived even by Hallmark standards? Unfortunately there are.

But I don’t think anyone can deny that the writing this season is, overall, an improvement over Seasons 5, 6, and 7. The only thing that I feel about S8 that is worse than 5/6/7 is the love triangle, but it had to come to a head eventually so it was always going to be a point of contention among the fans.

I’ve seen a ton of negativity going around the Internet, and you are all entitled to your opinions, but let’s hold back from being too angry until we see how things will work out. After all, there is a chance, however small, that Hallmark will end up surprising us.

So here’s to hoping that the writing quality uptick will continue as we move into Season 9.

And now, our plotlines from this episode:

The Dilapidated Love Triangle

The Wedding Planning/Party

The New & Improved Henry Gowen

Miscellaneous (Car Investigation, pastor position/Jesse and Clara + Cafe, Carson and Faith, Mike and Fiona)

This was another episode that felt pretty smooth in its storytelling; it had some smaller plots going on, but two primarily large plots, a smaller one that revolved around Henry, and then a few small (connected) plots from previous episodes/that overarched the whole season!

Sorry for the muddle by the way, it took me hours to type this and I’m too tired to read it over thoroughly before posting. If you see any glaring issues please let me know so I can fix them, though!

--

The Dilapidated Love Triangle

Let’s just get the pig slop out of the way, shall we? I think we are all in some sort of agreement by now that we’re tired of the triangle and just want to see it resolved as soon as possible so that we can get on with our lives and invest our interests in the right place(s). 

I also believe most of us are also in some kind of agreement, however we feel about the characters, the triangle, and who Elizabeth’s choice should be, that this thing has been very poorly paced. This sentiment seems to be echoed across the Internet right now. The pacing is AWFUL. After two years of almost nothing happening, now we’re going to bullrush to the end of the triangle? That’s a yikes from me, Chief. (Wait, didn’t I say that last week, too?)

I was never a fan of the narrated beginnings of episodes. I think they’re really tacky and boring. That said, there’s no other way to get into Elizaeth’s head easily because...I don’t know. Either Erin isn’t that skilled or the director doesn’t know how to direct her, or the script sucks. They struggle SO MUCH with show-don’t-tell that they have to resort to telling...which is fine, sometimes. This is an instance where telling is just mega redundant since she says the same exact thing probably 10 more times in the episode. I wish they’d have just kept the first part of the reflection or focused more on that—how Nathan talking about it...makes it feel fresh and raw again in a way she didn’t expect.

Anyway, Elizabeth writing that she’s been “left to reflect, once more, on the senseless accident that took [Jack’s] life” is ridiculous. Senseless? He was in charge of the training mission, but unless I’m losing every last marble I’ve ever had, wasn’t it Jack’s choice to go after the younger recruits who had been separated? Wasn’t it thanks to Jack’s quick thinking and intervention that only one person lost his life that day (Jack himself)? 

This is where the whole “Jack died heroically” thing kind of matters, actually. Especially when you butt it up against Nathan being the original person intended to go. Would he have risked his life like that? We’ll never know, but I’m sure Nathan thinks about it a lot, and it’s not something that should be left out of this story.

It’s valid for Elizabeth to wonder why Nathan kept the Secret hidden from her for almost three years, but what is really troublesome is the weird shift she seems to have between Casual Curiosity and Stricken Grief about it.

I grew tired of mopey Elizabeth in S4 and 5, so I’m not happy to see her back. Fewer eye drops, please. -_-

Anyway, it almost felt like a breakthrough when Elizabeth asked Rosemary why she thought Nathan took so long to tell her about Fort Clay, but Rosemary’s response was so bad. “He didn’t think it was important enough.” WHAT? WHO WOULD SAY THAT? Rosemary can be a bit thick-headed but that was almost too contrived for me to willingly follow. Anyone with a brain would realize it was IMPORTANT and THAT WAS WHY IT WAS A SECRET.

And when Elizabeth’s like, “Not important enough?” BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT IS IMPORTANT... Rosemary just tells her that Jack’s death wasn’t Nathan’s fault.

Which. She’s right. But that doesn’t make the secret unimportant. It’s still kind of a big deal. He’s confessed to being in love with Elizabeth multiple times now. Even Rosemary can’t be so dumb that she doesn’t realize that the connection between Jack’s death and Nathan is...meaningful, especially to Elizabeth. And that Nathan knew this and couldn’t bring himself to tell her because he knew it would hurt her.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to give Elizabeth a bit of grace here, because she’s just so self-centered I almost can’t stand it. To be clear, Elizabeth has ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS. It’s just that usually the issues at hand aren’t about her, they’re about someone else. 

Rosemary’s right but what she said was straight-up stupid. I don’t know, I don’t think the characters are out of character so much as the dialogue just didn’t flow very naturally and I felt like the characters were making assumption jumps to force certain responses. If Elizabeth can’t agree with Rosemary that Jack’s death isn’t Nathan’s fault, then she should have expressed that a bit more directly so that Rosemary could draw the conclusion that Elizabeth does feel it’s Nathan’s fault. It came across like Rosemary was speaking to the audience more than to Elizabeth, and I didn’t like it.

--

The most delightful scene in the entire episode has to go to Allie and Lucas. That was so cute and wholesome and good. Her asking if she could sit at the bar, him offering her a treat, her trying to return the gift ‘cause she felt caught in the middle and like it wasn’t fair to accept it... SO GOOD. They remembered the gift multiple episodes later AND incorporated it into this episode flawlessly. LOVED IT. 

Also, she asked an important question. LUCAS...where DO YOU LIVE?!

His story was a bit silly but I actually enjoyed it. It gives him a more playful vibe and also I think was almost entirely to ensure that Allie felt more comfortable and less anxious about what was happening around her. It was also his way of reassuring her that him courting Elizabeth wasn’t going to take Elizabeth out of Allie’s life...and that things will be okay.

I enjoyed it.

Things were a bit awkward with Elizabeth and Allie but they felt...better than before, so I felt like the conversation helped.

--

Lucas calling Allie “Allie Grant” was nice now that her adoption is official! I appreciate that.

Elizabeth and Lucas talk about how Lucas told Allie he’ll “work things out” with Nathan and Elizabeth definitely doesn’t appreciate it, and with somewhat good reason: she doesn’t like being caught in the middle of things any more than Allie does.

The thing is...she has had the power...all this time...to tell Nathan straight-up to leave her alone/that she isn’t interested. I stand by what I said before, that she shouldn’t have to tell him no for him to respect the boundaries she’s set, but if he’s not respecting those boundaries she needs to be firm about it.

I like how Lucas comes off in this scene. He wants to understand, he listens, he’s patient, he doesn’t push. I’m here for it.

She tells him what Nathan told her and he seems a bit overwhelmed by it, too. It’s pretty clear that he realizes she must be feeling all kinds of things after finding that out, especially after all this time. 

Again, for the second time, Elizabeth doesn’t seem all that grief-stricken about the secret being kept from her for so long: she tells Lucas she just doesn’t understand how he could keep it from her. 

He asks permission to suss out an answer and Elizabeth politely declines and says she’ll ask herself, but to please forgive her, she needs some time to...think.

She watches Lucas go and then...touches her wedding band.

-

Nathan meets Rosemary in the library and goes on a long boring monologue about how he’s read like, three whole books that women wrote, but still doesn’t understand women. No shit, sherlock. That was terrible writing...just straight up bad writing.

But I’m not exactly surprised because the very next thing that happens is that Rosemary tells Nathan...she’s been in his eXACT position before!

No...you have not. Yes, you were the unwanted third wheel, but that’s where the similarities ended, and you should have clarified. This just didn’t hit well for me, I don’t know. I don’t want to say it’s out of character, but...I don’t think Rosemary is this soft gentle personality anyway. I feel like she was always a bit more in your face with the things she said, not “try to encourage a manner of action in a very roundabout way” like she is in this episode. But again, without a logic jump from Rosemary, this scene doesn’t quite work.

I think I might have preferred Rosemary to play dumb and ask what specifically he didn’t understand about women. Make him freakin’ say it. And then she could react better. 

--

We get Love Confession #3 or whatever we’re on with Nathan, now. Let’s go over the entire scene.

Elizabeth walks into Nathan’s office and instantly asks him why it took him so long to tell her what happened.

He says he felt guilty and when she tells him she doesn’t understand, he goes on to say that after the accident he requested a transfer to Hope Valley. He never met Jack but he knew he’d left behind a wife and child, and felt it was his responsibility to look after them and protect them.

She asks why he would assume that, and he explains that he felt it was his duty. And that when he found himself falling in love with her, he felt like he was betraying Jack and his memory. That’s why he didn’t tell her.

He then takes it ONE STEP TOO FAR and says, “I fell in love with you, and I think that love is always worth fighting for.” 

Elizabeth says “Excuse me,” and leaves. Nathan’s face afterward is maybe a decent mix of “I probably shouldn’t have said that” and regret, but...woof.

Anyway, I was fine with this up to the point where Nathan said, completely unprompted, that love is always worth fighting for. How does he know? What are his experiences with love? Books he read, written by men??? PLEASE.

READ PRIDE & PREJUDICE U SWINE... ELIZABETH FALLS IN LOVE WITH MR. DARCY BECAUSE HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO CHANGE AND BE A BETTER MAN AND THEN DOES SOOOOOOOOO oh wait this is turning into an Elizabeth/Henry argument...OOPS?

Anyway, yeah. Not a fan of that line. It almost feels like there’s something missing. She’s standing in front of him about to cry because she feels hurt that he didn’t tell her this, you know, crucial information, and he’s just like “Yeah I didn’t tell u cause I love you and felt like i was betraying jack’s memory and also lol love is worth fighting for babe!” What kind of confusing mess of babble is this?

Honestly, it just left a bad taste in my mouth. :( I have so many really obnoxious opinions about Nathan and what they’ve done with him this season, but I feel like I should save them for a season summary podcast or something, just in case Hallmark ends up surprising me. Right now I just feel like they really just wanted to give him what the fans hated about him (he wasn’t passionate enough, not manly enough, not forward enough with his emotions, at least from what I read on Reddit and Instagram last year), but in like THE WORST POSSIBLE WAYS and for the wORST POSSIBLE REASONS in the VERY WORST SCENARIO.

I feared that would be Nathan’s reason for coming to town from the moment the character was announced and...I wanted to be wrong.

Anyway, I really liked his self-awareness up to that point. He never met Jack, which keeps some of the weirdness at bay. Also, he felt like he needed to make sure Jack’s family was okay, and that’s fine. I wouldn’t call it noble (as Rosemary later does), but it’s not exactly bad, either. Then we got the line of him admitting that it felt kind of bad to fall in love with her. I wish he’d gone on to say that wasn’t supposed to happen, or even given her a reason he loves her (so that it doesn’t feel like we’re just being told everything), because his line about love being worth fighting for right after he says he felt like he was betraying Jack’s memory by loving her...was...really strange??? Maybe a few sentences were edited out? 

--

Elizabeth tries to refuse to play Fiona’s blindfold game and LITERALLY NO ONE SAVES HER (though I think Rosemary considered trying). I hate the idea of this game solely based on the fact that several people participating shouldn’t even be there (Nathan, Bill, Mike, Fiona, Molly), but Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to accidentally choose Nathan if he wasn’t there, so... -_-

I think I might have actually liked this (her “no” with Carson was super cute actually, probably the cutest laugh she’s ever had on this show) if she’d had the chance to reject a few more guys on the way down the line. If she was closer to the end of the line she’d feel her options were running out and might second-guess herself. Having Nathan be the second person she touches and having her choose is...eh.

Nitpicks aside (their hands wouldn’t feel the same and she held Lucas’s hand quite recently actually), it could have been worse. At least she stated who she was searching for...

BUT UGH THE EMBARRASSMENT.

The thing that gets me about the whole scene is 100% that everyone in town would know about the Triangle drama, so it feels...weird to see everyone so gung-ho to watch this happen... I don’t know... I like having fun too, but NOBODY even TRIED to step in??? 

At least Lucas found some humor in it right away (he smiles). 

I think I wish someone had said something. Maybe Nathan could have said, “Nope, sorry” to lighten the mood a bit? Or Lucas could have said, “Almost!” since he was standing right next to Nathan?

--

Anyway, we’re spared having to wait because the very next scene is Lucas checking on Elizabeth and laughing about her choice.

One line I wish they’d added in is that someone else got it wrong. Imagine if Lucas said, “At least you didn’t pick Bill like Clara did!” Or even just made a joke about it in general like: “Of course I’m not upset. But if you would have picked Bill I might be a little hurt. My hands aren’t that old yet.”

Elizabeth tells him that she spoke to Nathan about the whole...thing and it was awkward. She chooses to not tell Lucas the rest of the reason Nathan gave, but instead only admits that he told her he loves her again. When Lucas asks what she said in response she said she didn’t say anything.

Lucas seems...a trifle upset at this, and understandably so. I think he can sense she’s...not really a sure thing and is worried about it. :( I feel so bad for him right now.

--

Rosemary stops by to see Elizabeth after Lucas leaves, and tells her she ran into Nathan at the library yesterday. Elizabeth tells her what Nathan said in his office and Rosemary says it was noble and selfless of him.

(I mean...it wasn’t selfless. Like at all.)

Elizabeth says she never asked him to be noble. She didn’t ask him to fall in love with her, either.

She asks Rosemary if she encouraged Nathan’s feelings for her at the library. Rosemary says no, but Elizabeth asks again and she interrupts her to ask Elizabeth if she’d rather hear what she actually said or just assume.

Rosemary goes on to say that she just wants what’s best for Elizabeth.

And we get Elizabeth asking how anyone would know what was best for her.

I mean, that’s like 90% on you for not communicating with your friends, but also, it’s 100% on you for just assuming you knew what Rosemary said to Nathan. I think she’s just looking for a reason why Nathan is being so persistent and in her mind encouragement from someone else is the only thing that makes sense, ‘cause she sure as heck hasn’t been encouraging him herself!

This hurts Rosemary’s feelings, probably because she was about to say that she wants what’s best for Elizabeth so she asked Nathan to stop getting in the way lol, and says maybe she should leave (since Elizabeth is in a bad mood). Elizabeth agrees she should go.

End episode. On this note. Woof.

Overall it wasn’t too bad I guess? But I’m not a fan of how some of this was written. It really felt like they cut lines out to make the episode shorter, when...they could have cut out one of the boring side plots. You know. The entire thing with Jesse and Clara, for example. 

--

The Wedding Planning/Party

I admit that I got a little enjoyment out of Florence saying no to all the dresses. Highly relatable. 

Then, at the barbershop, Fiona says the exact wORST possible thing about Florence wanting a hairstyle that’ll “knock Ned dead” FLHDSFAJDSA.

Florence goes on to say she wants anything but “ordinary Florence” and Molly steps in.

Honestly, I wish they’d just let Molly stick to being Florence’s BFF because that’s the role she plays best. Also, I’m almost sad Florence and Ned got together because it means #teamflomo is no mo’. :(

Paul shows up...

I don’t know what I expected but this boy would have been a literal BABY in season one, which makes the whole thing with Florence almost sadder AND it gives Florence more in common with Elizabeth (widow with a young child) BUT I HAVE OPINIONS.

I know what you’re thinking. “Manna, you always have opinions!” Yes, you’d be right. 

They based this off of ONE (1) line of dialogue that Florence had in S1 when something was stolen from her house. She says, “while my child slept nearby” or something like that.

They brought a child in...for that? On one hand...I’m impressed.

On the other hand, I kind of had just assumed they’d retconned that and that Florence had no children (which is why she was always goofing off gossiping with Molly) so I don’t really know how to feel about the whole thing.

Rosaleen starred in an episode and never showed up again after S1, so I think I’d have preferred to see her return instead of a child we literally never laid eyes on. But he’s a cutie. And he’s named after his father just like little Jack so...I’ll take it!

--

The party begins and we have to do “the men are stupid and don’t know how to plan” again which is really annoying. The highlight of this entire thing was Ned saying (about his hairline) that he’s been driving with the top down since his 30s. I respect you AND ONLY YOU, Ned.

--

The party continues on and they play charades. Rosemary chose weird awful options that don’t make any sense and are hard to act out. Ned’s could have been funny but the one Bill got is just...so weird.

The funniest part about it is looking at everyone staring at Molly as she guesses it.

I think it was supposed to be...cute? Or something? It was just really weird for me.

“Cuddle up a little Closer, Lovey Mine” (yes, it’s “lovey” not “lovely”) was written and recorded in 1908. You can listen to it here. Lyrics here.

They then play the Most Awkward Game Ever, one that would have had me sweating bullets if I’d had to play it. Florence has to find her man by only holding the hands of the other men.

As Fiona says, it’s a bit...risqué, but Florence rejects Jesse quickly and finds out the second man is Bill by squeezing his hands too hard.

Bill explains that his arthritis is flaring up and of course Sara and I jumped on that almost at the same moment:

We like Bill. :P

And then Florence correctly guesses that the next man is Ned. It’s very wholesome and sweet.

But then it’s Elizabeth’s turn because I guess she’s not been traumatized enough this episode. I covered that in the triangle part of the plot, though.

--

The New & Improved Henry Gowen

We start off with a BANG here with Henry and Christopher. Christopher misses Rachel because he’s a twitterpated little FOOL and he tells Henry all about it...while Henry sees Bill tearing apart the stolen car in the distance.

He asks Christopher how he got to Hope Valley from Hamilton and Christopher just straight up comes clean about it: he drove a stolen car that his buddy stole. 

Henry scolds him a bit, tells him he can’t borrow a stolen car, and explains that he doesn’t want Christopher to end up like him. Christopher seems kind of surprised by this and says, “You turned out good.” 

To which Henry replies, “The jury’s still out on that.” 

Christopher says he’s done with that kind of thing, and Henry tells him he believes him.

Honestly, Henry’s “I believe you” got to me. It sounded SO genuine. And also, can I say YET AGAIN that this kid was an impeccable choice to play Henry’s son? WOW. I can’t get over how much alike they are even in mannerisms and looks.

But THEN when Henry tries to say Rachel has something to do with Christopher being done with that old lifestyle, Christopher tells him “And you” AND I ALMOST LOST IT. SOOOOO GOOD. Henry goes on to explain that “long after” he divorced Christopher’s mom, he met Abigail, who saw the potential for goodness in him. And that he can’t help Christopher be a better man because he’s still figuring that out for himself, but if he thinks Rachel can help him, he should do what he can to not lose her.

--

Later, Henry invites Christopher to Ned’s party and Christopher declines but asks what happened to the woman Henry mentioned earlier—Abigail, of course. Henry says she left town to help her mother.

Is this a...hint of things to come? I’m...not sure.

Henry sits down for two seconds before Lucas asks to speak with him outside. Once there, Lucas admits that he contacted Christopher. This is one of the most contrived plotlines we’ve had in a bit, if only because I just can’t figure out how Lucas would have known who Christopher was, let alone whether or not he would be useful? He doesn’t even have the same last name... I mean, what, did Henry write in sparkly gel pens or something? 

But for some reason he contacted Christopher to come work for Henry to keep an eye on him. He’s not proud of having done it, which makes sense. I guess I wouldn’t be either.

Henry’s upset about it. Lucas tells Henry that he took advantage of him and that he had to make sure Henry could be trusted.

Christopher doesn’t know that Lucas told him, though, and Henry asks that Lucas keep it that way.

It makes Christopher’s behavior with Lucas make more sense (when he kept trying to push him around earlier this season), but the timing is just...awful? Maybe talking to Elizabeth about Nathan’s secret made him feel guilty about his own? I’d buy into it more if I felt like there was a really compelling reason for Lucas to feel that Christopher would do any good...but it’s just too contrived for me.

--

Christopher randomly decides to go to Bellingham to see Rachel. Henry tells him not to make trouble if her parents ask him to leave. Henry makes to leave, and Christopher stops him.

I CANNOT SING THE PRAISES OF THIS SCENE ENOUGH. Christopher tries to tell Henry about the thing with Lucas and Henry’s like...you’re different now, you’re starting over it doesn’t matter anymore!!!! Everyone deserves a second chance!

AND THEY HUG AND CHRISTOPHER TELLS HENRY HE LOVES HIM.

They almost got me to cry. ALMOST. I refuse to cry at this show because I refuse to give Brian Bird the satisfaction, but boy oh boy was this close.

Henry responds with a “me too” and makes Christopher promise to write. Then the stage leaves and that is that.

The rest of the storyline for Henry is under the car investigation. They’re related but...only intertwine at the very end so I separated them. ;)

--

Miscellaneous (Car Investigation, Pastor Position/Jesse and Clara, Carson and Faith, Mike and Fiona)

Car investigation: Nathan starts this episode off on the wrong foot. I think that was...a mistake. THAT SAID...I’m relieved Bill isn’t being written as a complaining whiny pile of trash for once, so I just want to say that...they had to realize after last episode the fan opinion of Nathan would be...not great, so mayyybe they shouldn’t have started this episode off with him literally complaining about doing his job...while he’s in uniform no less. Also he has NO PASSION at all for his job, or for investigating, which I hope means he’ll end up quitting the Mounties. (It could be a hint of things to come...I hope.) 

I mean, does he think Bill got his position for...no reason? Also, thank God Nathan turned down the promotion to Inspector if that was how he was gonna treat actually doing the work?? I’m pretty sure this is their idea of “humor” but boy did it fall flat after the love triangle mess that’s been going on.

The owner talks to Nathan on the phone later and is coming from Hamilton to get his car. Nathan seems to be telling Bill this to discourage him from wasting his time investigating, but Bill doesn’t want to stop lol.

Ned’s comment from the party about his hairline being him “driving with the top down” gives Bill an Idea in the middle of the bachelor party and leaves. Ned looks shook that he produced An Idea.

And follows. Ned is absolutely adorable as he assists Bill. They should interact more?? Long story short, Bill figures out that the top was probably up when it was being transported to Hope Valley (as you wouldn’t want people getting a good look at your face if they’re looking for a stolen car), and finds a footprint in the removable top.

The next day, Bill approaches Henry up at the oil derricks and comments on the fact that Lucas told him that Christopher checked out of his room at the saloon. Henry is up front and honest about where Christopher went, and says he went to Bellingham to see Rachel Thom.

He says, “You know how it is. You love someone, you’d do anything for them.”

The one interesting thing about this comment is that...no, Bill does NOT know. He’s never admitted to being in love in his life. He married Nora, but that was out of obligation (something he makes clear several times). Like, he obviously cared about Nora, but he wasn’t in love with her.

Obviously he’s loved someone enough to do anything for them (his son), but considering he’s dead, and possibly died in a really traumatizing way considering how it’s portrayed, that seems a bit...insensitive. :P

Bill counters it with, “Almost anything, maybe.” 

He then goes on to tell Henry he found a footprint in the stolen car.

And he just. Kind of. Gives Henry. A look. Because he knows exactly who stole the car, he just has to prove it.

Henry stops Bill and says: “A while back I remarked about how you had never solved the mine disaster. Perhaps if you and I get together, I might be able to help.”

Bill doesn’t say a THING...he just leaves. But he looks kind of...put off by the whole thing.

Like he knows what Henry is doing.

Do you know what Henry is doing?

Anything.

For someone he loves.

(Pst. That someone is Christopher.)

As soon as Bill is gone, he picks up a pair of shoes and throws them into the fire.

I think it’s pretty clear that Henry is using this mine disaster thing to protect Christopher, and he’s doing it for this reason WAY MORE than he’s doing it to come clean and be a better man. That’s just my theory, though. I think if Bill hadn’t found anything out about the car, then Henry wouldn’t have brought it up.

But I guess he knows something. The question is...what? And also, when did he mention Bill never having solved the mine disaster? I’m really struggling to remember Henry ever saying that to him, at least not recently. Does anyone recall offhand?

Anyway, I’m wondering if they’ll tie up that whole thing about Noah and Peter that was never addressed on the show to the fullest. You know, the whole thing with them going into the mine knowing it wasn’t safe and not warning anyone. I think a lot of people who watch this show have never been in poverty or lived paycheck to paycheck, but sometimes a person just has to put their head down and keep working even when it’s not safe, because they have to keep living. Or because they had more time to put a stop to things before anything bad happened.

I think blaming Noah and Peter as much as Henry is pretty stupid, but they still shoulder some blame. They were working to fix that problem. Henry wasn’t. He did what he was told and shut up. But maybe there’s a bit more to that story. Could be interesting.

Could also be the worst reveal ever, so...who knows? I’m curious to find out.

BUT ALSO what do they mean Bill didn’t solve that case? The widows sued and won. Sure, he got beat up in S1 carrying evidence out of the mine, but it’s not as if there wasn’t a lot more of it inside the mine, too. Everyone knows the fault of the collapse was due to working conditions being unsafe. What’s left to solve? Is Henry going to give Bill the names of the people who told Henry to keep his mouth shut? 

Or...are they talking NOT ABOUT THE HOPE VALLEY MINE DISASTER, but the original one that sent Henry to Coal Valley (and Nora into a marriage with Bill)? Because that one was not solved. The company just made Henry a scapegoat in that case.

THE WAIT TO FIND OUT MORE IS GOING TO BE TORTURE.

--

Pastor Position/Jesse and Clara + Cafe: I enjoyed Minnie in this episode and seeing her step in and help Clara and become part of the town was great. Jesse giving more credit to Joseph than Lee was pretty funny, and a nice set-up for Lee realizing that Joseph is a pastor. Lee is apparently head of the search committee to find a new pastor...which...sure...okay. Also apparently the newspaper died?? Uh.

I’m kind of hoping Rosemary’s new passion will be the newspaper since she’s supposedly going to dig her nose into things next episode and she used to write a column for the old paper (so she has some experience). Thoughts on that?

Anyway, Joseph agrees to pastor the church instantly the second Lee asks...so it feels weird that his original goal/plans/whatever just...don’t matter anymore? Okay.

They buy a bell.................WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY BIGGEST PETTY COMPLAINT OF THE EPISODE. BRO THAT BELL STRAIGHT UP LOOKS 3D PRINTED FJLKDSAHFLDSAHFLDSAHFKLDSA

Anyway I’m teasing. The Liberty Bell weighs a little over one ton, and two horses could easily pull that.

No complaints. My husband complained last week that there wasn’t a bell and now there is. It’s like he knew. 

Joseph talks about what a “calling” feels like (I think this will come back again with Rosemary which has me VERY HAPPY): a tug on his heart.

Joseph also tells Lee that the men in his yard earlier were surveyors and that he won’t move, at least not far, because he has a congregation to lead, now. Makes me wonder if he’ll actually sell!

Anyway, Jesse and Mike are cute pals and decide to have a snack in the cafe while the gals are socializing with Rosemary (who has just returned from the library).

Rosemary’s books are on land acquisitions, surveying, and territorial law. 

Minnie and Rosemary decide to talk about this while Clara leaves. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe just ‘cause it was boring lol.

She gets back as Mike and Jesse are talking about, uh, her, actually, and Mike asks if all is quiet on the homefront.

Yes, it is. Unlike the trenches of WWI.

But seriously I thought it could be a joke reference to “All Quiet on the Western Front”...a WWI novel. Since...you know...WWI is going on and hasn’t been acknowledged at all even though it’s almost over now.

Joke’s on me, though...that’s too advanced for Hallmark.

Anyway it’s only quiet for like two seconds, because Clara busts in, thinks they’re eating the food she’s been busting her ass over for the party, and yells at Jesse. It makes everything awkward. Jesse simpers about like a sad little clown instead of trying to be understanding. Yawn. Awful. Bye.

I don’t know what would fix that scene, but I think part of the problem is...I’m just not invested in Clara and Jesse anymore. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to need more time to get over the problems in their relationship but I don’t care about them enough to care about the journey...if that makes sense. I’d rather watch Bill dust for prints on the car some more.

They do have a chat, and work things out, so that’s good I guess.

--

Carson and Faith: Carson has officially stolen the dock from Abigail and Frank, and so my hatred for them doubled instantly.

Me, a territorial loon: THAT SPOT IS NOT YOURS!!!!! FIND YOUR OWN!!!

Anyway Carson makes things awkward and then busts out that he accepted the fellowship without talking to Faith.

She’s kind of hurt by this?? UNDERSTANDABLY?? But then he asks if it would have made a difference. I mean, common courtesy would be at least sitting down like this and telling her, “I’ve decided to accept it.” But no. He just. Accepted it without telling her he was going to. Bro...

They aren’t on the same page for even two seconds. He tells her he was committed to the relationship and put all his plans aside so that she could be happy.

Honestly, as much hate as Nathan’s getting right now, if people gave a damn about Faith I think Carson would be getting his fair share of hate, too. What a jerk???

He goes on to say it wasn’t a waste of his time (when she asks), but never bothers to tell her more or to prove he didn’t feel that way (BECAUSE HE SURE ACTS LIKE IT WAS A WASTE OF HIS TIME). He just says he hopes she changes her mind and comes with him to Baltimore.

At the party Carson and Faith go outside to talk where Carson admits that he should have told her he was accepting the fellowship before he wrote. She tells him that the year she was gone was almost too much time apart for her, and Carson promises to write her and tells her she can visit him, too, but she brings the conversation back to reality. They’ll both be super busy. 

He suggests they get married, and then immediately says he’s not asking (it’s not how he’d propose), but that they could look forward to getting married. (Good thing they laughed ‘cause I sure wasn’t. It was super awkward...) He suggests seeing how they feel in about a year. (Oh...perfect timing for...next season...hm.)

Faith tells him she loves him and wants what’s best for both of them, even if that thing isn’t them being together. They agree to just enjoy the night and worry about the rest later.

Anyway, I feel like these two just have NO chemistry (they’re worse than Bill and Molly in my books). I really appreciate the attempt to give them meaningful material, and I like that Carson has a passion again, but boy oh boy are these two hard to watch. The plotline is really good, but the characters just...aren’t great. I figured if anything they’d give a plot like this to AJ and Bill to tie that up (some kind of conflicting reason she can’t stay in Hope Valley to be written off the show for good) so I was surprised to see it going to Carson and Faith instead, but like...in a good way because it’s actually compelling for their situation! I've been in a similar situation and it feels REALLY BAD to like someone a lot but not be ready or willing to commit to an extreme for whatever reason. Faith doesn’t want to go to Baltimore because she loves Hope Valley and she undoubtedly doesn’t want to see it go without a doctor at all. Carson likes Hope Valley but his passion is in surgery and he can make a huge difference in a big hospital. He could still make a difference in Hope Valley, too (undoubted he’s the only surgeon for many miles around these smaller towns) but he also likes hospitals and their equipment and maybe misses what he had a long time ago.

So it’s a great plot. It’s compelling. It’s even a bit tragic when you think about it!

But my God do these characters just...not come off as convincing. :(

--

Mike and Fiona: The scene with Ned was SUPER cute. Genuinely funny. Mike asking Fiona out. Everyone teasing Mike about how much he likes her. It’s very cute and wholesome. So far I enjoy it a lot. There’s not a lot to talk about here but I like that it’s...simple.

I MEAN...she’s so cute.

--

END THOUGHTS:

I want the next three episodes right now immediately, but I’m also going to be pretty sad when this season ends...I think.

The biggest speculation from this episode, by the way, is that they’re opening things up to write Abigail back onto the show. How do we feel about that? 

Any other thoughts? Favorite scenes? Share!

[queerprayers]

hi!! first of all i just wanted to say i really appreciate your blog (and your instagram too!). your thoughts have provided me great comfort. anytime i see another queer, leftist, christian my heart fills with joy!! i think: ‘oh! there are other people like me!! there are so many wonderful people out here who love God and are accepting and supportive and loving!’ so thank you- for making me feel less alone and for giving me hope. thank you for existing and just being you- it means more than you know (especially as a young (only 15) queer christian). was scrolling through your blog this morning (on holy saturday) and i started crying. i’m not sure why. because i was overwhelmed with love for god? because i am confused about religion and things? idk but it was a weirdly intense feeling- like a cry i needed. anyways, i hope you are having a wonderful day and that your easter is full of love and hope and all the wonderful things!

i did have a few questions for you (i guess they’re questions?? or just asking for your opinion). no pressure to respond btw

1) (i’m a lesbian) and i’m afraid i’ll never find another queer girl who loves God/is christian/is religious who will also love me. i want to have a relationship with someone who not only understands the struggle of being a queer christian, but someone who can help me learn and grow in my faith. i’m just afraid that i’m asking too much and i’ll never find that.

2) i often feel ashamed(?) of being a christian. even though i am one, whenever i hear “christian” i don’t think of very nice and accepting people. i feel like people like you are in the minority(?). and so i almost never talk about my religion or anything because i am afraid people will assume I am homophobic/transphobic/racist/misogynistic/slut shaming. i feel bad for feeling this way though.

3) (last one 😅 ) what is the difference between religion and spirituality? and how can i, as a christian, explore spirituality?

I’m finally answering this so thank you for your patience! I relate so much to that joy of finding someone else like us— it’s exactly what I felt when I discovered queer Christian communities online! I’m so happy that I can give you that comfort and recognition— it’s all I want. I’m sorry I made you cry but I hope it was what you needed and I’m so happy you’re processing and stuff! Being overwhelmed and confused are two emotions I am intensely familiar with. 

I had a lovely Easter, thank you! I hope yours was wonderful as well <3 Thanks for numbering your questions :) This is perfect, and here are some answers/thoughts:

1) I relate! And I’m sure so many others do too! When religion is important in your life, it can be hard to find someone who’s on the same page. And when you’re queer, that adds a whole ‘nother layer, doesn’t it? My last relationship (and my only serious one) is a testament to the fact that there is hope! She was an absolutely lovely lesbian Christian and we talked about faith a lot. She really changed how I thought about faith and even though we’re not together anymore (for tragic backstory/mental health reasons), I still hold close the spiritual growth I went through with her! There are people out there to connect with, even if being queer can be a really lonely experience. I met her through Lex, which is a really cool app. :) Also, we’re both so young! There’s so much beautiful time for us to grow and meet new people, and I have hope for both of us. <3 You know what you want, and you deserve that. Wishing you luck!

2)THIS THIS THIS! Listen, every time I’m in a queer or progressive space, this goes through my mind. And there have been people who’ve assumed I’m all manner of horrible things when they learn I’m Christian! I talked about a similar situation in this ask. Religion is a super hard topic for a lot of minorities, and I always have to remember to respect that anger/trauma, as well as standing up for myself and my beliefs. There are reasons that those stereotypes exist, and also harmful consequences from those stereotypes. A few things: There are a lot more of us than we think. Since I’ve been open about stuff on social media, so many religious people have admitted to me they’re queer, and so many queer people have admitted they’re religious! There are so many people who just don’t talk about one or both of these facets of their identities because of the reception they might get in both religious and queer spaces. You don’t have to feel bad for this. You don’t have to feel bad for not opening up about every part of yourself (especially to strangers/acquaintances). No one has a right to your identities/beliefs! These are things for you to talk about when/if you're comfortable with. That said, the best way to combat these stereotypes about Christianity is to be a Christian and a loving/accepting person. People have told me that I've changed their idea of what being a Christian is, or that they'd never met a "nice" Christian before. Obviously that's a lot of pressure, and not everyone is called to be that representation. But the more openly queer Christians there are in the world, the more we can fight those stereotypes! Go at your own speed, and it might not be till later in your life/journey (or never!) that you become more open, and that's okay. I pray that you encounter accepting people in your life that are open to learning new things about groups of people!

3) Generally, religion is organized/external, and spirituality is informal/internal. So religion tends to based on historical figures and religious texts, with formal rituals and houses of worship, while spirituality tends to be more experience-based and personal, without a set of defined beliefs. Many people describe themselves as "spiritual but not religious," meaning they connect to a faith/practice or have their own personal belief system, but don't go to church/belong to an organized religion. Christianity as an institution and set of beliefs is a religion, but many Christians have some kind of spiritual practice, and some off-sets/teachings within Christianity are spirituality-based (like mysticism). Not all Christians connect with spirituality, though— my dad, for instance, always jokes that he's "religious but not spiritual." There is room for both, though! And I think it's really healthy so have both external and internal sources for your faith.

Ideas for exploring spirituality as a Christian: meditate on scripture, connect with nature, read/research saints who participated in spirituality/mysticism (x), journal

Some resources: The Society for the Study of Christian Spirituality at Johns Hopkins University, "Christian Spirituality and Social Transformation" by Philip Sheldrake, "Christian Spirituality: Theology in Action" by Dr. Alex Tang, Presentations by David Monyak on Christian Spirituality: an Introduction by Alister E. McGrath (1999)

Okay, I think that's everything! Anyone who has anything to add can reply/reblog, and if I've missed anything, feel free to shoot me another ask!

<3 Johanna

[tryingmybestpls]

See You Again (The Mandalorian x Reader)

Pairing: The Mandalorian x fem!Reader

Rating: T

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Mentions of child death, implied violence 

Part 2

Y/N knew who it was as soon as they knocked on the door, mainly because no one ever knocked on her door. Something rose up in the woman's chest as she set the blaster that she was cleaning down. Y/N rose from the chair, crossing the room in seconds. After unlocking the locks as quickly as possible, she opened the door.

There the Mandalorian stood, his small, green child tucked into one of his arms. Big black eyes widened even more as he seemingly recognized Y/N. It made her smile for a second before she looked up at the child's father. His beskar helmet was aimed down at her. Y/N stepped aside, opening the door a little wider.

"I'm guessing you need a place to hide out for a day or two." She says as he walks in, the empty egg that the Child sleeps in following after the pair. Y/N closes the door as he responds with just a sort of grunt. She walks over to where the bounty hunter is standing in the small living area, holding her arms out.

"Well, you know where the 'fresher is. I'll take him and feed him. I'll leave food in my room so you can eat." Y/N tells him and he curtly nods, handing the wrinkly kid over to her. He knew their simple little drill. The Child gurgles, his three little fingers wrapped around her thumb. The Child's father disappears down the hallway, a door shutting seconds later. The man reeked of blood and some other undesirable scents that the woman couldn't quite place.

"I bet you're hungry, huh?" Y/N questions, her voice getting a few octaves higher as she smiles down at the Child sweetly. The Child makes noises that sounds moderately happy as the two of them walk into the kitchen.

It doesn't take long before Y/N is piling a plate high with steaming hot food for Mando, filling a smaller bowl for the child currently bouncing on her hip. He's playing with a wooden toy that hasn't been used in years. She sets the Child down in his pram for a second as she puts the plate, utensils, and a glass of blue milk on a tray. Y/N picks it up, the smell of the food making her stomach growl even though she ate only hours before. She carries it throughout her small home. The tray gets left on the bedside table, where she always leave it.

The Mandalorian has done this three times- well four if you count right now. Each time plays out exactly the same: Mando gives her the kid. Y/N feeds the kid as he showers. He eats in her bedroom and passes out because he's an idiot who does not sleep. Y/N watches her green little buddy for a day or two. Mando will wake up and apologize for oversleeping. Pointing out that it's not a big deal and that she doesn't mind makes him sigh. They eat again and leave.

Y/N hums a song as she walks out of the bedroom. She lifts the green Child out of its cradle, holding him close. With the kid in one hand, she picks up the bowl with the other hand. Y/N sits down with at the table, letting the Child eat.

-

The Mandalorian walked out of Y/N's room a little later than he would've wanted the next morning. It felt nice to get an actual full night of sleep on a bed that was larger than him and a warm home cooked meal. He felt like he needed to thank Y/N for everything, but the words would never come out that way. They would just stay in his mouth while she filled the silence with whatever popped into her head.

There she was, the Child sleeping on her chest as she slept. Her hand was on the kid's back. The Mandalorian was always shocked at how easily she was able to get the little womp rat to fall asleep. She has a magic touch when it came to the green little thing. Mando would struggle with even feeding the Child while the fifty year old baby did anything that Y/N asked. The Mandalorian sighed and walked silently over to the kitchen.

Y/N Y/L/N had once been a bounty hunter and a good one at that. She lured the bounties into a false sense of security because no one was expecting someone like her to be one the of most deadly people in the parsec. He's seen her make anything into a weapon and both them have worked on much harder bounties together. If Mando was being honest, he wasn't the best bounty hunter-Y/N was.

But then she abandoned it all suddenly, much to Greef Karga's surprise. She left coordinates for her new home with Karga, only for emergencies and Karga passed it off to Mando. It was a small backwater planet, similar to Sorgan. Mando would have never thought to have looked for here, but when he first needed a place to hide out, there she was. Y/N was tending to her small garden as he landed the Razor Crest. Her hair had grown out and the clothes she was wearing were looser and obviously not as armored.

And she had looked...happy to see him.

"There's fruit in the conservator." Y/N's voice is slightly rough as wakes up. The Mandalorian looks over to her, watching as she carefully cradles the Child to her chest as she stands slowly. She walks over to the cradle, laying him in there before shutting it. Mando wants to ask her why she is so good at handling the Child, how natural it comes to her, but he doesn't want to pry.

"I-Thank you." The words sound foreign coming through the modulator, but she smiles and nods her response. Y/N stretches before pulling her hair back and securing it with a tie.

"You could've kept slept longer you know. The kid isn't a hassle." Y/N tells him, moving past Mando to pull the fruit out of the conservator. Her kitchen fees immensely smaller with him standing in it. Even without all of his armor, the Mandalorian was still large. He moved to lean against the wall, his unchanging visor trained on Y/N as she starts washing and cutting the fruits up.

"I've slept enough and the kid can be deceiving." Mando responds, which makes Y/N smile.

"That was a pretty good attempt at humor, Mando. Maybe you should stop bounty hunting and become a comedian." She teases and Mando is extremely glad for the helmet he wears, because if not she would see that he's blushing. He clears his throat, watching as she chops the fruit up almost perfectly.

"Thank you. For letting us stay." The bounty hunter acknowledges and she just shrugs it off. She grabs three bowls, putting more than enough in two of the bowls while putting the rest in the last bowl.

"I don't mind at all, Mando. You two are always welcome and you're welcome to stay as long as you want." Y/N tells him honestly, setting the other two bowls back into the conservator. She wipes her hands on a towel, looking at the Mandalorian, "You can go ahead and eat in here. I'm going to clean up. You can help yourself."

-

The Mandalorian watches as Y/N tries to teach the Child how pick some of the vegetables in the ever growing garden. She has a smile on her face as she lets the Child hold a red vegetable in his green hand. Mando attempted to look away, focusing on cleaning his blasters, but he kept on looking up at them through the window. She was a natural with the kid.

The rest of day, the Child toddled after her as fast he could, following her as she went along with her daily duties. Mando kept out of their way, letting the little womp rat stretch his legs. He fixed and cleaned up the Razor Crest, trying to keep himself busy. He only came inside for midday meal and when she called him in to help with supper. Well she had said he could help, but now wasn't letting him do anything but watch. He felt useless, but it also felt sort of nice(?) to not do anything. So he decided to do something he never really does.

Initiate a conversation.

"How do you know how to do this?" The Mandalorian asks, motioning to the happy green child playing on the floor. Y/N stills slightly, the knife in her hand stopping in midair. The Mandalorian wants to apologize and wishes he just would've stayed silent.

"I used to have one. A child." Y/N says quietly as she continues meticulously chops up some herbs, her head tilting in direction of the Child who was playing on the floor. The Mandalorian lifts up his head, looking at her through the visor.

"I didn't know." He responds and she just nods in response.

"No one did. I was young-not that I'm old now-but it was an accident. The father was a soldier in the same battalion as me. I had a little girl, named her Luna. Once the war ended, her father and I split up. I took up bounty hunting so I could give her the life she deserved. I'd visit them as much as possible." Her voice thickened with emotion as she put down her knife, "The last time I went to visit, they-Some left over Imps had stormed the town. They knew who was in the rebellion and-they-they didn't leave survivors."

There was a heavy silence in the room as Y/N moved past him. She disappeared into her room. The Mandalorian was shocked because Y/N never really talked about her past with him or her feelings. It was really mainly all work and very little play. All the times he came to hide out here at her place, she only asked about how he and the kid were doing. A few seconds later she came back out with a something in her hand. She put it on the table, rifling through it. Y/N held up a small silver disc and hit a button on the side of it. A hologram of a man, Y/N, and a little girl who was squished in between her parents. The little girl-Luna-looked just like Y/N. They looked like the definition of a happy family. Y/N smiled watery at the hologram, her eyes staying on the image.

"I am so sorry." Mando responds, not exactly knowing what to say. Human feelings are not exactly his forte. The bounty hunter shifts slightly on his feet as he continues, "Is that why you left the Guild?"

"Yeah. I stayed here, cleaned up the mess the Imps made. Didn't see a point in leaving anymore, especially since I wasn't able to protect them. The least I can do is stay with them now." Y/N clarifies and Mando suddenly felt sick to his stomach. This was her family's home. The bed he slept in wasn't just hers, it was the the father of her child's. The little wooden tauntaun that the Child was playing with was most likely her little girl's. It felt wrong to be in such a sacred place.

"What happened to the Imps?" Mando asks, still sort of testing the waters. Y/N quickly blinks away any tears that were threatening to fall.

"I couldn't let them get away what they did to my little girl. When I realized what they did-I did what I did best. The people in the town appreciated it, but it was a little too late." Y/N responds, turning off the hologram.

"I wish you would've told me." Mando tells her with candor. Y/N sighs and puts the silver disc on the counter. She goes back to the kitchen, continuing to make dinner, just like nothing ever happened.

"You had other things on your plate, Mando. I needed to deal with it on my own." Y/N says with a shrug, chuckling almost nervously, “But you’re right, I should’ve told you. You’re my friend.”

"I didn’t know you considered me to be your friend." Mando doesn't know what to do in this situation, so he tries humor again. Y/N continued to cook, laughing softly, adding the herbs to the soup that she was in the process of making.

"Well I do and I don’t use that word a lot...I'm glad you guys came, Mando. It's been getting a little lonely up here." Y/N says with a small smile on her face. Mando's heart dropped in his chest. He couldn't quite understand why he felt so sad at his friend being so upset. His friend.

"Why don't you come with the kid and I? He loves being around you and I can pay you handsomely." Mando tries to remedy this situation, not wanting Y/N to be upset anymore. Y/N laughs, wiping at her face-at her tears, Din quickly realizes.

"You barely get paid enough to cover fuel, Mando and-and someone needs to stay here." Y/N stirs the soup one more time before grabbing three clean bowls. Mando doesn’t respond because he honestly doesn’t know what to say.

The Mandalorians never prepared him for something like this.

-

"You don't have to let him play with them you know." Mando announces, motioning to the toys that the Child had been playing with. Y/N shook her head, taking a sip of the lum she poured herself. She was sitting on the small couch, Mando sitting on the other side, his slightly bulkier frame taking up most of the space. The Child was already fast sleep, exhausted from his day of play.

“Mando, it’s fine. I wouldn’t have brought them out for him if I wasn’t okay with it. They should be getting used and it makes him happy.” Y/N explains and Mando nods slowly. She smiles, taking another sip of her drink before saying, “You’re a good father to him.”

“I-Thank you.” Mando accepts the compliment, not wanting to fight her at this moment in time. She turns her head to look at him, smiling. For some reason, his heart starts beating a little faster. He opens and closes his mouth under his helmet before saying, “If you don’t mind-is it alright we stay for a little longer? Maybe a week or two? If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, Mando. You guys are welcome to stay as long as you want.” She says, the smile on her face growing even more. Maker, the Mandalorian was blushing underneath his beskar helmet and he didn’t know why.

[sepublic]

The Unspoken Story with Representation & Diversity

           Y’all ever have this feeling, where you see a character… And their experiences just immediately resonate with you, and you just feel and KNOW exactly what they’ve been through, without them necessarily having to say or present it aloud within the text? Like you can tell this character borrows exactly from this specific experience, and so while others unfamiliar with it may not get the idea, or need clarification… For the kind of audience that really gets and understands how it goes without saying, it’s an almost clever, implicit show-not-tell way of conveying to those who get it, exactly what’s going on? AKA subtext?

           An example would be this one time in Fullmetal Alchemist, where we have characters Jerso and Zampano, who’ve been experimented on and given the ability to transform into monstrous chimeras, and then back. Despite being able to function as both regular human AND chimera however, Jerso and Zampano differ from their teammates Darius and Heinkel in that they’re not big fans of their new bodies… They actively hate them and feel uncomfortable with them, and want to go back to being regular humans. And to me, I never got this at the time as I was a young and inexperienced kid- I made up in my head that maybe Jerso and Zampano’s alterations caused them chronic pains, or something like that. Otherwise, I had to wonder if it was just insufficient writing…?

           But then I met someone, a trans woman and a fellow Fullmetal Alchemist fan. And she explained how she immediately understood Jerso and Zampano’s experiences, and how it connected to her own dysphoria. There wasn’t anything wrong with the body she used to have, it just… wasn’t her, and that’s why she felt so much more liberated when she recognized her true identity! And when I heard this from her, it just… clicked. It suddenly made SO much sense, and I never again questioned Jerso and Zampano’s dilemma, never tried to justify it in my head by providing headcanons of downsides to their chimera forms. 

          I was reassured that this kind of experience and feelings were real and valid, that the story didn’t have to justify them to me because they already tangibly existed in real life- This WAS something that happens, in a sense. I didn’t have to worry about confirming it for myself when I knew that others got the idea, since just because I didn’t understand, that doesn’t mean it’s not there. I didn’t personally relate, but I knew it existed, and thus I could feel sympathy and believe in this by trusting the experiences of others... My experiences are not universal, and this of course has an effect on how I engage with media, ensuring my knowledge and analysis is always limited.

          I’ve heard real-life anecdotes about how dysphoria can make someone feel like a monster, and while this hasn’t been outright confirmed within Fullmetal Alchemist itself… There’s always the potential of subtext. Unintentional, or otherwise- Given the series’ recurring themes of finding a body you’re actually comfortable with, or coming to terms with it, as part of the whole disability experience with characters such as our titular protagonist.

          It’s a sort of implication to a specific experience, a metaphor for it, that allows those who get it to instantly fill in the gaps. To get into a philosophical tangent, it reminds me of how stories are really defined, a lot, not just by the author; But how an audience engages with them, how stories are defined in different ways by different people. Now, obviously there are examples where some parts of the text are outright indisputable and not up for debate, such as Star Wars being Anti-Fascist for example. But my point is, writing a story can involve a lot of thought as to the type of audience you’re writing for… Especially when it comes to representation.

          When it comes to representation, when someone is writing for a marginalized group, the writer doesn’t need to lay down much within the text; Because they KNOW that the people they write it for will get it. Others not of that group and not familiar with its struggles can still generally get by, but for those who really engage with the material, or share that same experience that is being alluded towards… There’s an added depth, a bonus facet to the story that only adds to and enriches the experience, even more than it already is.

           And, sometimes it can be a little frustrating, to trying to convey this to someone who doesn’t quite get it, and you start to wonder if maybe you’re just projecting a bit. Maybe this is all in your head, it’s not really there, or that wasn’t necessarily the author’s intention at least. You know there’s something that’s supported by how this characters shares this experience; It’s not stated within the text, but you can tell it’s there, because that’s such an integral part of the experience you’re used to, and the character is clearly a part of that as well. And when you apply this consideration, it just suddenly puts everything into a new light, adds that additional depth as I mentioned earlier…

          And you really can’t ignore it, because you feel it just adds so much enriching layers to the media, that maybe you’re doing it a disservice to not openly acknowledge and defend this take as if it were real. You feel you have to defend this interpretation of yours, because you feel that this character really, clearly is meant to connect to that experience that resonates with you and others; And it can be a little frustrating if others just don’t get it, even if you can’t necessarily blame them for not doing so. It’s because you know the text is talking about people like you, so it feels like you really are more of an expert on this matter, that you’ve got a lot to add that needs to be taken into consideration, if the author is setting up your group to have an inherent advantage in understanding what’s going on.

          When asked to explain yourself, you feel a little embarrassed because maybe you’re relying too much on your own experience and not the actual text… And it feels almost silly to cite yourself as the main, if not the only necessary, point of evidence. You start to question and doubt if what you and others have gone through, is worth considering. What you’re saying sounds stupid at face-value because it lacks context, and a lot of things without context sound flimsy… Aloud, from a ‘rational’ standpoint I suppose, it sounds foolish to rely on such personal emotions, because surely the author doesn’t know you specifically and wasn’t drawing from what you went through.

          Maybe you’re unloading a bunch of stuff that isn’t necessarily relevant to the subject, maybe you’re asking too much for people to connect your experiences to what’s in the text, and thus you’re really stretching things… And handing out waytoo much information as well. It can feel like you’re boiling down your reasoning to, “Because I said so,” and that doesn’t sound right nor fair to the person you’re conveying your take towards, insisting they take you at face-value without being given their owed explanation, because anyone should be questioning and critical of what they’re given.

          Perhaps you just need to ‘detach’ yourself from things, look at it objectively… But what is objective, what is the default perspective? I don’t think there actually is one. So when you have to approach the text as JUST the text, you remember that that text is being written by someone, and that someone has a lot of things in their head that influences them, but not everything can be explicitly written down. A lot of the inspirations and experiences that this creator draws from aren’t shared amongst everyone who engages with their story.

          And if you feel this creator is resonating with that specific experience of yours, you become a lot more confident that this is where they were drawing from, and thus this is being alluded towards between the lines; Because it just makes so much more sense this way! You might be wrong- But what if you’re right? You don’t want to discourage people from finding stuff that could be out there, anything is better than nothing, creation and discovery should be enabled, even on the off-chance that there’s nothing there, because at least not you know for sure there isn’t anything, and thus your curiosity has been sated to an extent.

          Even if the creator hadn’t intended it to be this way, the experiences of others can reassure them that there’s nothing more that needs to be said, because they alone can fill in the gaps… And it kind of ties into how a lot of media intentionally leaves stuff open for interpretation, or at least allows certain takes. It’s kind of like how a lot of fans resonated with Jenny from My Life as a Teenage Robot, as her struggles feel so topical to that of a trans person; And while the creator confessed to never intending this, they could recognize the similarities between what they’d written and what trans people go through, so maybe there IS a connection there to consider!

          TL;DR Diversity and Representation IS in fact important, and a vital part of not only engaging with media, but just with the experiences of others in general. It can reveal meaning that isn’t immediately obvious to others, and/or create it by recognizing the fundamental similarities within the text to real life experiences, and how that piece of media’s themes both contribute towards and are supported by what a person or group has witnessed. Your experiences DO matter, even if they’re a minority; Perhaps especially because of this, as it gives you a new and rare angle that is not often known, and this piece of media’s connection to that experience can be used as a medium to convey it to others who don’t resonate the same way.

          It is through media that people can learn about the experiences of others even if they’ve never went through such things personally… An experience so intimately conveyed that you may as well be there, you can imagine yourself there, and so you don’t exactly have to have gone through it in real life to now understand- Especially since making someone go through that experience in real life has both logistical and ethical concerns. It encourages empathy, where you may not necessarily know what this person is going through; But you’re willing to open your mind, consider, listen, and change and/or add to your current knowledge and understanding.

          It’s also important to remember that even people within the same group have different ways of engaging with that specific experience, and that these diverse takes are all valid and worth considering; So if a person from that same group as you differs, perhaps consider listening? Of course, if someone believes there’s depth and the other insists there isn’t, perhaps hearing out the former option provides more room for discussion and thought, that while not canon, can pay off and inspire in other ways regardless, and thus be meaningful and worthwhile in the end.

[cookinguptales]

A long post about having undiagnosed ADHD as a little girl. And how we all need to talk a hell of a lot more about Reaction Sensitive Dysphoria.

(cw: mental illness, childhood punishment, discussions of childhood self-harm & suicidal ideation)

When I was a little girl, I was a crybaby. I didn’t know why I’d cry all the time. I just did. Everything always felt catastrophic, even if it was just a disagreement over what to play with my friends. People called me manipulative. I got made fun of at school. I was sent to the school therapist. Hell, the only time I ever had to go to the principal’s office, I was in kindergarten and would not. stop. crying. I was literally sent to the principal’s office for crying too much.

(Note. How did I respond to that? I cried. A lot.)

Here are a few examples of things that made me feel like the world was ending:

Once I came home sobbing and my parents asked me what was wrong. Why was I crying? Because the other kids had called me a crybaby.

Once at daycare (around age six), some older boys were making effigies of their teachers out of play-doh and then smushing them and convinced me to join in. The minute I did, they told me that they were telling my teacher, which made me about lose my damn mind.

I was a voracious reader and often ran out of reading material. Once I sneaked some of my mother’s romance novels that she’d left in the bathroom for light reading. They were Very Adult. I was so scared she’d find out and scold me for reading sexually explicit books.

Now, my parents think these are kind of funny stories. They say that I was very cute. But in truth, I was a nervous wreck. My life was pretty good in most ways, but I’d have these moments that just felt like cascading catastrophes. Anytime someone criticized me or my work or my ideas, the sky would just come crashing down. I’d cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. I’d cry so hard I threw up. I grew out of the crying by about age nine, but that sickening feeling of failure never really left.

About 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Severe ADHD. I believe the doctor’s exact words were “I don’t even know how you graduated from high school”. They tried me on ADHD medicine but it made my heart go dokidoki so I just had to live with being unmedicated. I wasn’t told a lot about ADHD at that point, or how ADHD symptoms differ for women, so I just kind of assumed that it was just focus and that’s it. Brain fog wasn’t exactly new to me, what with my other illnesses, so I figured I’d just live with it.

But about a year ago, I learned about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a fairly common symptom of ADHD that no one ever told me about in my goddamn life! It essentially means that when you are criticized (or perceive something as criticism) by others or by yourself, your brain goes into absolute hyperdrive. You go from zero to “everyone hates me and I deserve that and probably don’t deserve to live too because I am just the worst” over like. literally nothing. And it’s not just like a mental thing you can train yourself out of. It’s characterized by actual physical pain. Y’all, I have anxiety and depression and this is not the same thing. This is your whole body seizing up and your brain going into a maelstrom that’s fairly similar to a panic attack.

Here’s the less cute side to all of those stories:

I had very few friends, and the friends I did have thought I was annoying and manipulative. The more I cried, the more kids stayed away from me.

After the Play-Doh incident, I cried for days. Days. And I was scared of my teacher for weeks. My parents laughed it off as a cute child thing, but none of it was cute for me. The older boys forgot about it by the next day, but it haunted my interactions with that teacher for weeks. It interfered with my education. I was a nervous wreck at school. I was so scared that she would hate me. That I’d be singled out in class. That I’d fail and my whole education would be upended and I’d fail out of school and my parents would hate me too and my life would be over. That’s... a lot for a six year old.

Those romance novels? That was a closely guarded secret that I kept for years. For literal years, I was afraid she’d somehow find out that I’d read those books. I would think of it when I was nine, ten, eleven years old and my whole body would stiffen up. I’d occasionally throw up. I cried about what might happen if my parents ever found out. Would they hate me forever? Yes, probably. They’d never love me again. I was a bad child. I finally told my mom about it a few months ago. I was 29. A small part of me was still scared I’d get in trouble. (My mom laughed about it; she was just like ‘wow, I should have put those books up higher’.)

When I was six, I went to an aftercare at a neighbor’s house for a while. (This predated the other daycare.) One day, one of the kids at aftercare didn’t get off the bus. The lady asked if anyone knew where he was. Trying to be helpful, I said I thought I’d seen him on the bus. (And like -- I really did think I did. But I was six and six year olds are uhhh not smart.) Surprise! He’d actually left school early for a dr’s appt. But she thought he’d missed his bus stop and spent like an hour on the phone figuring out what happened. And y’all. When she realized he hadn’t been on that bus, she was furious. When my other neighbor picked me up for my mom that evening, the lady told her that I was a bad child who’d purposefully lied to scare her. She said I wasn’t allowed to come back. And ohhh guys. I begged my neighbor not to tell my mom. (She did.) And then I begged my mom not to tell my dad. She was honestly kind of alarmed at how vehement I was about dad not knowing. (I was like a shaking, sobbing mess.) She asked me what I thought would happen. idk. Maybe he’d hit me. (My parents never hit me.) Maybe he’d throw me out of the house. Maybe he’d never talk to me again. He’d definitely stop loving me. I was so bad. So, so bad. I was a bad child. No one would ever love me. I was a worthless, bad child.

In short, I was hysterical.

When my parents finally talked to me about it, it was less of a talk about consequences and more talking me off the fucking ledge. They weren’t that concerned about the actual incident; they figured out pretty quickly that I’d just made a mistake. A temporarily scary one, but a mistake all the same. (I basically never misbehaved, so they were kind of confused by the whole situation, honestly.) But they were very concerned about my reaction to it. I knew they loved me, right? I knew that they wouldn’t hurt me, right? Why did I think that was a possibility?

I didn’t know. I still don’t know. It wasn’t rational. It was just my brain exploding into a thousand tiny pieces.

This is not a memory my mom laughs about. I think it really genuinely disturbed her. She’s still angry at that aftercare neighbor for doing that to me. As an adult, I realize that the person who actually fucked up in that scenario was the boy’s mother, who didn’t call to alert aftercare that he wouldn’t be coming. (Funnily enough, that boy’s mother was my first grade teacher -- the one I was so terrified of. Small town. I guess I was scared of her hating me, too.) But as a child, this wasn’t just bad. It was catastrophic. I genuinely considered hurting myself. I was six years old and I considered hurting myself. Suicidal ideation is often part and parcel with RSD. I’ve had to deal with that since elementary school.

RSD is real and it’s terrifying and it’s not unusual in children with ADHD. It’s still a problem that I struggle with. I’ve had friends not answer texts for a while and my brain just. assumes that I said something wrong. And now they hate me. Because I’m a bad person. And my whole body will shake. I’ll sweat. My stomach will roll. My chest will literally hurt like I’m having a heart attack. I still have to blink back those tears. Sometimes I’ll go for a walk to distract myself and burn off all that energy. Sometimes I’ll write a post like this. Sometimes I’ll just lie in bed. Shaking. Trying very hard not to think about doing Bad Things. It’s hard to say how it’ll go until it goes.

(Note: I’m okay right now! I was just talking about this with dad yesterday so I’ve been thinking about it.)

And this is not my friends’ fault! Or my family’s fault. This is no one’s fault. It’s just... mental illness, I guess. It’s hard to predict. Sometimes I can have a calm and reasonable discussion about my faults (which I fully admit exist) and sometimes someone disagrees with me on whether a tv show is good and my brain shits itself. (I’m dumb and stupid and this person probably hates me now! Because I didn’t love Avatar! Why did I open my big mouth? Now our whole relationship is ruined and I ruined it because I am a dumb relationship-ruiner!) Obviously, it gets worse when my physical and mental state is already fragile. I have a lot of chronic physical and mental illnesses, so like... it happens. But it’s very hard to predict, very hard to control, and all you can do is really talk yourself through it when it happens. Breathe. Focus on what’s real and what’s not. Distract yourself. Be as kind to your brain as you can because it will not be kind back.

Talk to people who love you. Try, whenever possible, to be one of those people.

idk. I wish I had concrete advice to finish this off. But it’s more just like... please learn to see the signs, especially in small children. I had far too many strong emotions for a child to figure out on her own. I really could have used some help. It’s too late for my childhood, but not for the other kids who are struggling with similar issues right now.

And if you read this and see yourself in it, do me a solid and talk to your doctor? Your brain might thank you one day.

[elliepassmore]

A War of Swallowed Stars review

5/5 stars Recommended for people who like: multiple POVs, sci-fi, space operas, morally gray characters, mythology, LGBTQ+ characters, trilogies Note: there will be spoilers for previous Celestial Trilogy books in this review.

A Spark of White Fire review

A House of Rage and Sorrow review

Steel and Flowers review

TW: ableism I was so nervous coming into this one because 1) we still hadn't seen all of the curses come to fruition yet, and 2) I was expecting at least one character to die in the book. While both of these were valid things to be nervous about, I'm actually pleased with how both played out and Mandanna even managed to surprise me with 1) (okay, and admittedly in some areas of 2) as well). I feel in some ways this book was darker than the other two, which is saying something because House, especially at the end, was pretty dark. However, in this one our favorite cast of characters is facing problems from multiple sources, not least of which include Alexi and Sorsha. On top of that, Esmae, Amba, and Titania have to deal with the shit that went down at the end of House, so the three of them in particular are in some rough spaces in the book. This is a bit of a tangent, but the 'bowstring thumb' thing confused me a lot until I got about 1/2-2/3 way through the book. I've done archery before, but I've only learned Western techniques and so am not super familiar with the way other cultures do it. I assumed Esmae and co. were knocking their arrows using their index and middle fingers and drawing using those (or those + ring finger)...which would mean the thumb plays no part in knocking, drawing, or shooting. It wasn't until someone showed Esmae how to shoot the way I described above where it clicked that they were using a totally different method (and then I looked up traditional Indian archery techniques and.....uh.....yeah, you need a thumb for that). I was glad that got an additional explanation in this book, though, because I think I might've remained lost (or eventually remembered the internet exists and looked it up). Esmae and Alexi got to talk a bit more in this one than they did in the last one, which I think was good, though admittedly it could've been better. Esmae really gets a chance to let loose on some of the things she thinks about him, particularly his desire to be seen as the 'golden boy' as well as his seeming inability to contradict/think outside of their mother. Frankly, she's right and I don't think Alexi ever really gets it (which is kind of funny considering both Leila Saka and Kyra said something similar to him). I thought their dynamic was interesting in this one and it kind of came full-circle in a way. Esmae still wants Alexi destroyed, but she also still wants peace (or at least doesn't want Kali and its people hurt/destroyed), whereas Alexi still isn't willing to settle for a compr0mise. I will say, this might be one of the few books where I think the author actually could've written more and the book would not have suffered. The way things are resolved in the end re: the crown, Kali, and Esmae and Alexi could have, I think, used a bit more page time to explore. There is an epilogue-esque kind of ending that takes place months later, but it doesn't really focus on those things and I do wish we'd gotten to see more of that. Perhaps another short story at some point in the future? Onto individual character analyses, Esmae is, as mentioned, not really in a great place when the book opens (and I don't just mean physically). She does initially rebound fairly quickly, but everything that's been happening over the past three books does collapse back on her and we get to see the psychological toll that it's taken. Also as mentioned, she still wants to destroy Alexi, but she also takes a moment to reassess things and is willing to try something other than all-out war if possible. Esmae also has to struggle with having lose her 'bowstring thumb' and re-learning how to do certain things with a prosthetic. The process frustrates her and we do get a sense of her loss, but she's also willing to train and work to get to a place where she can still fight, whether it's with her left hand or a different way of using her right. Esmae develops as a character throughout each book and that development is really seen here as she starts to grow away from the solely revenge-driven person she had been in House. Titania gets a POV again in this book and also gets more chapters from her POV. As a ship it's hard to remember how young she is, but she really is just a child still and has seen so much. She yearns to be human, but also knows she's useful as a ship and wants to be able to help Esmae and Max and everyone with the coming war. Despite not being happy with what happened at Arcadia at the end of the last book, Titania seemed to have used Esmae's disappearance as a way to distract herself/rebound and for most of the book she's the same bubbly Titania we've always known. Things do change, as they must, but Titania remains a big part of the story. Radha also gets a POV, which was somewhat surprising as I'd been expecting Sybilla to be a POV character. However, Radha is able to give insight into events and people that the other characters cannot. For instance, at the end of the last book, Radha went back to Wychstar, and so we get to see what's going on there as well as some of the other political events that she's privvy to but that other characters either aren't or don't bother with. I liked seeing inside her head because she is a nice person and she is loyal to Esmae and her new friends on Kali, but also has moments when she doubts herself. Her interactions with Sybilla are fun to read since they have very different dispositions and Radha knows exactly how to tongue-tie Sybilla. Sybilla, while still thorny, lets herself show more emotion in this one. She and Esmae's friendship is perfect and Sybilla offers a good amount of gentleness and hard truths. I feel like we see less of her in this book, though, and I would have liked to see more. I enjoyed reading as she became more open to other people and expressed that softer side of herself. Max underwent some development as well, and while he still prefers peace, we do get to see him in battle a little. Like with Sybilla, I wish we saw more of him in this book, but at least the parts that we do see are rich in content and characterization. I've always appreciated his general demeanor when it comes to Esmae and continue to do so in this book. War is, obviously, not what he wanted, but he's still willing to support whatever she decides. It's also fun to see him and Amba interact more since she's always around now. Alexi is, understandably, frustrating. I mentioned above that he very much cares what others think and that he listens a little too much to Kyra. He's also generally unwilling to listen to anyone else. He does do some good things in the book, don't get me wrong, but he does a lot in this book and misunderstands a lot. I suppose we could say the same of Esmae, but, obviously, we're getting things from Emsae and her friends' POVs, so Esmae's faults seem/feel different than Alexi's. (I should note, it is mostly (entirely?) Alexi and his side of things that engage in the ableism mentioned above) Bear is still pretty much the same he's been in the last two books. He's tied between loyalty to Alexi and loyalty to Esmae. He loves them both and doesn't want either of them fighting and, I think, could himself make a pretty good negotiator/peacemaker given the time and page space. He matters a lot to Alexi and Esmae, which is another reason I think he could've mended things, but he has even less page time here than in House so that isn't his role. Also, while he is stuck in the middle of the two sides, he does consistently chose Alexi, even if he does help Esmae at times. Thus, while he is caught between the two and perhaps could have helped stopped the war, he is also too strongly on Alexi's side for much of his Alexi-Esmae-get-along desires to work out. Sorsha can't really be discussed without spoilery things being revealed. I did like the idea of a space dragon who eats stars, so that was pretty cool. Overall, I did like the book and thought that it was a nice, fitting conclusion to the trilogy. I do wish it had been a bit longer so that we could get more page time with some of the characters, have a bit longer build up to the climax, and then see how things played out a little more after things got (mostly) resolved.