#especially in camp when everyone is only a few metres away

[goldenispunk]

HEAR ME OUT

Dutch Van Der Linde almost definitely uses his bandana as a gag when he fucks

[katelynnwrites]

All’s Well That Ends Well (To End Up With You) | Felicitas Rauch

warnings: a tiny bit of angst but it’s mostly fluff

word count: 2145

summary: your national teammates have a conversation about starting families and it prompts a conversation between you and feli

a/n: let me know what you think of this please? i got this idea from the born for this documentary and it’s been buzzing around my head for a while because i was kind of hesitant if i should write it…if it’s good i might write a bit more about feli and kids :)

You’re certain that this is the team that will go far in the Euros. Hell, the mood in camp is one so perfect that you are filled with the conviction that you might just win the whole damn thing. It is what every single member of your team is working towards.

The tournament might still be eight months away but things are just shaping up so well.

These people you’re with, they are more than just teammates. They’re good friends.

Good friends that you are happy to celebrate an early Christmas with.

The national team staff and some of your teammates have been kind enough to help set up a small Christmas get together, with food and drinks.

It might be the midst of international break and you might be only two metres away from the hotel entrance but it makes all the difference.

Everyone needs to get their minds off football and relax sometimes, especially when the last game of the year is just around the corner.

Curled into Feli’s side, you giggle at the story Sara is telling. You can feel Felicitas’ body vibrate with laughter and you press yourself closer to her.

Your wife easily slips her arm around your waist in response.

She drops an affectionate kiss onto the top of your head even as she continues listening to her fellow defender.

The smile on your face grows as the rest of your teammates pitch in, the alcohol helping everyone to loosen up.

Feli’s fingers gently running over your side and the pleasant buzz of the mulled wine distract you for a few minutes and when you focus back on the conversation, it’s to Kathy saying that it would be nice if men could get pregnant too.

A round of laughter rings out immediately and you grin at the very thought. It would certainly be helpful for some of your teammates, both national and club alike.

Lina jokes that she would get her boyfriend pregnant right away if she could and everyone chuckles a little harder.

When that dies down though, there is a moment of sobering silence.

‘You’d actually like to have kids though…right?’

Marina directs the question at anyone and everyone, her tone being an indicator of just how difficult this particular subject is. It’s unusual for the typically smiley woman to be so serious.

Both Kathy and Lina nod, Laura following after a moment.

A few of the youngest players like Jule and Obi simply shrug. That’s fair you think, because it’s not something that would be on the forefront of their mind at that age.

But for you, being a few years older, it has.

So you nod too and can’t help but slip your hand into your wife’s when she does the same, a tad shyly.

You’ve talked about it before you even started dating, wanting to be on the same page before starting a relationship that might turn out to be lasting.

You are incredibly happy that it did and are so thankful for having that conversation with Feli.

Being a mom has always been something you want and marrying someone who wants the same thing as you was always important.

It never occured to you while you were growing up that that person would come into your life, in the form of Felicitas Rauch.

Two months into calling her your girlfriend and you knew that she would be the only one you would ever want to start a family with.

It assures you the feeling must be mutual when the brunette squeezes your hand lightly, glancing at you adoringly.

‘I feel ready to start a family now but I guess with football, I will have to wait a couple more years.’ Kathy sighs.

You make a sympathetic noise and your fellow Wolfsburg player looks up.

‘I’m guessing that you can relate. I see how you are with the younger fans. Do you want a girl or a boy?’ She asks softly.

Shrugging, you murmur, ‘I don’t mind either. I just want them to be healthy, you know?’

Kathy gives you a tiny smile and nods her understanding.

Your heart warms just thinking about it and the hopeful smile you give the blonde in return makes you miss the one on Feli’s face dimming.

Felicitas keeps your hand in hers but doesn’t say much more for the rest of the night.

She does not meet the worried looks you give her and by the end of the little celebration, your anxiety is just about eating you whole.

You don’t remember the last time you’ve felt this uncertain with your wife.

As everyone makes their way back to their respective rooms, you trail after her to the room you’re sharing.

‘Liebling?’ You softly prompt and the brunette defender frowns as she shuts the door.

‘What’s wrong?’

Felicitas stiffens and she sits down on her bed, drawing her knees up to her chest.

Her brown eyes are full of emotion when she quietly asks, ‘You want a baby now?’

‘Well not now now but maybe after the Euros…’ You admit.

Your wife’s eyes widen and you reach for her hand hurriedly, saying, ‘Don’t you? We’ve been married for a few years and I think we’re in a good enough place in our careers.’

Feli shakes her head, stammering, ‘I-I love you but I’m not ready.’

As hard as you try to hide it, you can’t stop the hurt that flashes across your face from showing.

‘Liebling, I’m sorry.’ Feli pleads, squeezing your hand tightly and touching your wedding ring.

‘Don’t be. You aren’t at fault for the way you feel. I-I just thought you wanted to have children as badly as I do.’ You whisper, covering her hand with yours.

This, if possible, makes your wife feel even worse.

There are tears slipping down her face as she takes a deep breath, trying to explain herself.

‘I do. Believe me I do. That’s not what I’m not ready for. Liebling I want to have a baby with you, I’m ready to start a family with you. It’s been on my mind for a long time but what I’m not ready for is putting football on hold.’

‘Felicitas…’ You breathe.

‘I love you. I love you so incredibly much and I’ve dreamed of having a family with you but I can’t do it now. I’m twenty six and I know that’s not old but I’m terrified of not being able to get back my current form after I give birth.’

‘Feli I love you too but I don’t understand.’ You murmur.

Your wife makes a frustrated noise, ‘Don’t you see how hard Almuth is struggling? I know that I’m not as old as she was when she got pregnant but I don’t think I can go through it liebling.’

‘I know and I admire her for it but Feli…I’m not asking you to put yourself through that.’

The fullback simply stares at you with clear confusion.

There’s a smile on your face as you tease, ‘You know liebling, the good thing about being in a lesbian relationship is that both of us can get pregnant.’

‘What?’

‘I’m younger than you Feli. I’ll recover faster, and be able to get my fitness back faster.’

‘Y-You want to be the one to carry our baby?’

Your wife’s tone is one of complete disbelief.

‘Yes.’ You answer simply.

‘But why? You’re our star striker for club and country. You are at the top of your game liebling. Hell Barcelona wants you and while I know you turned them down, chances like that aren’t given to just anybody. As a player, you are far more valued than I am. For you to put your career on hold…’ Feli’s voice gets gradually quieter before it tails off.

The Wolfsburg defender swallows hard, her gaze never leaving yours.

It is barely audible when she mumbles, ‘If you get pregnant after the Euros, you might not be able to come back in time for the World Cup.’

‘Felicitas, my love, don’t you know that I will give up anything if it means being able to be a mother with you? Winning a world cup is a dream but being able to have a family with you is the biggest dream.’

If the brunette wasn’t crying before, she certainly is now.

Her hands are gentle as she cradles your face to kiss you. She tastes like the salt of her tears but the action still takes your breath away.

‘Do you really mean that?’ Feli whispers against your lips.

You nod, leaning your forehead against your wife’s.

She presses one more kiss onto your mouth, murmuring, ‘Let’s do it. I want to have a baby with you liebling. As soon as possible.’

‘Okay…okay that sounds like a plan.’ You tearfully agree.

******

You’re pregnant a month after Germany finishes runners up in the Euros.

******

Feli was right. You are far from being able to make it back in time for the World Cup but you never expected yourself to be anyway.

That doesn’t mean that you aren’t there to support your wife, fellow national teammates and country though.

You are in the friends and family section, with your newborn dressed in the tiniest Rauch, 17, jersey.

Where your wife found noise cancelling headphones small enough to fit on his head, you’ll never know but he looks adorable.

He peers curiously at his surroundings during the first half, never once crying but rather being content to be held by you.

Felicitas blows you and him a kiss each as she makes her way back down the tunnel at halftime.

Her bun is messy and it is getting colder as the sun sets but her eyes are shining with adoration.

She mimes catching the kiss you blow her in return and you giggle.

‘Your mama’s so silly.’ You tell your son as you rock him gently.

The newborn sucks determinedly on his fist in response and you giggle.

He has Feli’s eyes and you don’t know how you will ever be able to tell him no when he grows up. You certainly are not able to tell your wife no when she looks at you with her pretty eyes.

******

Your country puts two more into Morocco’s goal before Felicitas is subbed out in the 89th minute.

You cheer louder than anybody when she leaves the pitch because you are always going to be her biggest fan.

The brunette catches sight of you just before she sits down at the bench, her cheeks flushing a bright pink at the look of pride on your face.

You chuckle at that, pressing a light kiss onto your baby’s forehead. He’s fallen asleep, the cool Australian night air giving his cheeks a rosy hue, nearly identical to his mother’s.

The match is nearly over now and Lea fires one more into the opposition’s net to make it a six-nil win before the full time whistle blows.

There’s a tangible joy in the stadium, from the fans and your team.

Everyone is celebrating but you only have eyes for your wife.

She’s making directly for you, climbing over the barriers and pulling you into an excited kiss.

‘I love you.’ Feli declares.

‘Love you too.’ You grin.

The fullback kisses you once more, her hands cradling your face eagerly.

‘How’s our son?’ She asks, bending down to lightly press her lips onto his forehead. He remains fast asleep, not even stirring when you transfer him into the Wolfsburg player’s arms.

Your wife coos softly, adjusting the blanket you wrapped him in, to protect his tiny body from the cold.

Felicitas is entirely enamoured with him, just as she has been since she saw him on the initial ultrasound.

You always knew she would be down bad but when your son gripped Feli’s finger tight the moment she first held him, well she exceeded all your expectations.

The brunette holds him close, breathing in his baby smell before looking up hesitantly.

‘C-Can I take him down to the pitch? I know we talked about keeping him off social media but I want to share this moment with him.’

You don’t even have to think twice about your answer.

‘Felicitas of course you can. I might have carried him but he’s your son too.’

Your wife can’t resist kissing you once more before she leads you back down onto the pitch with her, despite your protests.

‘Liebling this is your special moment, your World Cup debut.’

‘Yes and I want to share it with my family.’ She matter of factly states.

There’s no arguing with her and so it is with a smile on your face that you let her slip her hand into yours.

Being there with Feli, as she holds the baby you had together against her chest…it’s everything you have ever dreamed of.

German Translation:

liebling - love

[sweetsubharry]

do you have any friends to lovers au full of fluffy?

Yes I do!! It is a favourite of mine so be warned there’s 36 fics in this rec!! Isn’t friends to lovers fluff just the best??  💖

Please stay safe and read the tags!!

It's A Start by Magiic_Shop

“This is dangerous, love,” Louis smirked, his lips pressed against Harry’s shoulder blade.

“Why’s that?” Harry asked.

“Because,” Louis’ smirk grew into a smile, “I might never want to let you go.”

Harry shifted against Louis, reaching up to cover Louis’ hand on his stomach with his own, “Then don’t.”

--

Or, the one where Harry can't sleep at night, and because of that, neither can Louis. Louis thinks it could be the start of something.

everything i can arrange, every part of me you change by orphan_account

“Don’t you try that shit with me,” Niall spits the second he reaches Louis, pulling off the hood with force. “What the hell is this?” He plops down next to Louis on the empty bleacher and unceremoniously pushes a sheet of crumpled paper in his face.

Netflix and Chill Buddy Application

It’s like no matter how hard Louis tries, he can’t seem to run away from this stupid fucking flyer. All the girls (and some of the boys) in every one of his classes have been talking about it all week. It’s on every wall of every building on campus. Louis went for a jog last night and he nearly tripped and died over a loose one on the football track.

[Harry needs a big spoon and Louis refuses to let anyone steal his position. Based on this post.]

One Plus One Is Also One (Sometimes) by justgotowisharder

“Dear Mrs. Sissy,” Anne read out loud and Harry only wanted the ground to swallow him up, “you asked me to write about my hero but I don’t have a hero, I have a superhero. Superheroes are better and have superpowers. My superhero is Louis Tomlinson.”

(Or the one where Louis Tomlinson isn’t really a superhero, but he’ll always do everything on his power to protect his baby Harry)

Love You But I Gotta Let Go by FallingLikeThis

Harry’s father is never going to be satisfied with anything that he does. But maybe that’s okay when his best friend is there, always cheering him on anyway.

Prompt 947: The despair of ever living up to his standards.

Pour Your Heart Out by hrrytomlinson

Louis is his soulmate. Or at least Harry thinks he is. Louis feels the same as Louis. But there are a lot of people named Louis in the world and this Louis might not be the Louis. It’s besides the point though, because Harry knows he can’t allow himself to get close to any boys. He just can’t and he’s told himself this multiple times. He has to simply stay away from Louis Tomlinson. But he can’t. Harry Styles can never stay away from Louis Tomlinson. It’s physically impossible for him to. 

Take This Sinking Boat and Point It Home by goodgirlfaith (boomersoonerash)

Five times Louis Proposes to Harry and the one time he doesn't.

Just Ask Me To by TellMeThisIsNotLove

“You’re telling the truth,” Louis whispers.

“Of course I’m telling the truth!” Harry doesn’t even care that he sounds exasperated.

“Oh my god.” Louis grabs the wall behind him as if looking for support. His body slides down against it until he’s sitting crouched on the floor.

He mumbles something but Harry can’t really figure out what it is. He crouches down, and looks desperately at the breaking boy in front of him.

“You’re telling the truth,” Louis whispers. “You were not supposed to–”

“I was not supposed to do what? Tell me please,” Harry urges, taking Louis’ hands gently in his.

Or the X Factor era canon fic where they learn how to be a couple and that not everyone is going to be on their sides especially those with plain white t-shirts and saccharine smiles.

Burning Skies by emeraldharry 

They both watched as ice and fire danced across their palms, hypnotized by the small things they could do with their powers. Snowflakes swirled around each other as the mist twisted about like a small tornado, while the fire in Louis' hands swayed and twirled gracefully—bright and warm and beautiful.Before, Harry couldn't even think of touching him with the fear of turning his skin to ice. Now, he knew that Louis wasn't some ordinary human to shy away from. Louis was bright, fiery flames, a body of powerful waves of heat. Louis was everything he was not, his polar opposite, but it was all the more reason that they fit together just right.or[Mutant au: Harry likes to think he's normal. Except, normal boys don't freeze everything they touch. Louis thinks he's perfect just the way he is and shows him just that. Zayn is a telekinetic, Liam is a rising YouTube star, and Niall is the best human best friend there is.]

I see the love light in your eyes by larrycaring

For as long as Harry can remember, Louis has always been his best friend.

There are a few constant things in Harry’s life: his family, this town he’s grown up in, and Louis.

He had his other friends, of course, but Louis had always been and still was the person that Harry was closest to. Maybe it was due to the fact that they live next to each other, and that, since the first night they’d talked, when he and Louis shared a conversation on their conjoining roofs, they instantly hit off, and a friendship developed. Or maybe it was that Louis was always so cheeky, almost the opposite of Harry, but it complimented Harry’s slow and thoughtful way of life perfectly. Either way, it just kind of happened.

or an AU where Louis and Harry are very much in love. Featuring football & late night rendezvous.

you fit me better than my favourite sweater by brightbluelou

Harry didn't mean to fall in love with his best friend, and he definitely didn't mean to get pregnant. Despite that, it’s probably still the best thing that’s ever happened to him. And after that, well. It just kept getting better.

or; the one where Harry and Louis are friends-with-benefits and Harry unexpectedly gets pregnant. Harry never wants to stop getting pregnant after that, but Louis thinks seven kids is probably enough.

put your head on my shoulder by wayfared

Niall gives Harry until the end of marching season to either a) make a move on Louis Tomlinson or b) get the fuck over him. Either is easier said than done. Basically, your High School AU with a drum beat.

My Only Sunshine by DontLetHimGo

Harry and Louis have known each other since the start of everything.

When Harry is only a few weeks old, and Louis is two, the older boy is immediately intrigued by the little person in the carry cot. Jay knows that it will be difficult to keep her son away from her best friend's little boy.

baby, hold on to my heart by icaarusfalls

Here was the dilemma: Louis and Harry were out with their mates window shopping because there was nothing else to do and Louis brought an antique ring, hoping to pawn it off to get some quick cash. It was a small, old thing, all rusted and gold, but it had its charm. The owner didn't take it because of the minuscule crack down the middle of the jewel, so Louis just shrugged and handed it to Harry without a thought.

—•—

Louis gives Harry a ring as a joke, but Harry starts wearing the ring everywhere he goes.

So Put Your Hands In (The Holes of My Sweater) by Kat_rawr

“Are you gonna kiss me then?” He asks so quiet he isn’t even sure Louis heard him.

“I think it’s bad luck if I don’t.“ Louis’ breath is hot on Harry’s skin in the cold air. They stand in the dark; Louis’ face only lit up by the yellow-ish light from the street light a few metres away. The light over the door of their building hasn’t worked in years.

“Okay,” Harry says, and of course his cheeks heat up. There are definitely butterflies in stomach and his mouth is definitely dry.

or,

Harry and Louis go on a lot of not-dates.

It's the Sun In Your Eyes by Bearandleonardwrite

Harry's not the best with relationships. Then he finds Louis.

(Basically; Harry's insecure and hurt, but Louis loves him anyways and knows how to help.)

Sun-Dappled by QuickedWeen

Louis and his best friend Harry are in their seventh year at Hogwarts, facing down their future together. Louis has been in love with his best friend for as long as he can remember, and he begins to feel a sense of urgency as the second semester begins. Finally he hatches a plan to tell Harry about his feelings on Harry's birthday.

Stop Making Tired Excuses by midnightskies

Louis hates many things; cold tea, countdown, tuesdays, and university, but most of all he absolutely, categorically despises Eric Davidson, current boyfriend of Harry Styles. 

nonstop earthquake dreams of you by lumineres

And there's heat behind it, blazing, plasmatic, like stars crashing together, like an explosion in space, like a supernova, like a black hole--everything else sucked out of existence. There's no bed and there's no pillow and they're not lying down, just floating somewhere, somehow, and there's no room and there's no X Factor house and there's no Niall snuffling or Liam's deep, even breathing and there's no wind or traffic outside and there's no hum of the heating unit and it's all just Louis. All encompassingly Louis.

or, harry falls hard and finds louis already at the bottom

every december (your star lights the sky) by larrystomlinsons

Louis needs a date for the Christmas dance and Harry is the wingman that has feelings for him.

Counting The Steps Between Us by zarah5

AU. So, yeah. That year abroad helped Harry establish that he is in love with his best friend. Now, if Louis would stop treating him like a little brother, that would be awesome. (Additional ingredients: a collapsing tree house, a lot of pining, the other three boys as Louis' new best mates from university, and a camping trip. Serve hot.)

waiting on the sun by midnights

A third year counselor at Camp Weehawken, Louis just wants to get through the summer without accidentally professing his love to Harry during movie night.

ft. night swimming, lots of cuddles, and even more fluff.

Right From the Start (You Know I Got You) by FallingLikeThis

Louis grows up protecting Harry. Harry loves him for it.

Let Me Give You My Life by midnightskies

Gemma has one rule for Louis while he stays with her family at Christmas; not to hook up with her little brother, so of course that's the one thing Louis does.

deep in my heart i know there's only you by ballsdeepinjesus

"Will you do it?” Harry whispers. Louis has to lean closer just to hear him. He furrows his brows and shakes his head, not knowing what Harry means. “Would you donate for me?”

Louis is dumbfounded. “I’m sorry, I thought you just asked if I’d donate my sperm. Can you repeat yourself?”

[harry and louis are best friends who engage in some platonic baby-making. very platonic.]

You Are The View by larryftnoctrl

Louis is running out on time for his photography assignment and Harry looks lovely in red. It only made sense.

the most beautiful thing by sunflowergolden

“Well, I came prepared of course. I actually have a full on suit with me.”He had to be joking. “Lou, you have to be joking. There’s no way you took a full on suit with you all the way from the States.”“I was raised right, H. You never know when you’re going to need it, so you take it with you. In case a cute boy asks you out.”or, the one where louis and harry have been friends for a while, but they live 5.404 miles away from each other, and louis goes to stay with harry for a week

Take Me As I Am by lovelarry10

“Suppressant? But… why would I need a suppressant? Alphas don’t take suppressants.”

“You’re right, they don’t.”

****

Secrets. Lies. Deception. Betrayal. Self-discovery.

Alpha. Omega. How far will they go to hide the truth?

don't call me baby by 28sunflowers

A short and cliché roommates AU inspired by To Be So Lonely, where they’re both oblivious to each other’s feelings and Harry gets sad and jealous over nothing. It works out in the end.

Spin Me Like A Record by zarah5

Uni AU. Sometimes, Louis poses as Harry’s boyfriend. It doesn’t mean anything. Really.

Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic by larrycaring

Call him hopelessly romantic, but Harry was convinced Louis was the one for him. He had never really believed in love at first sight until his special person had come along and stolen his heart. And really, as soon as he had first met Louis on the train, Harry had felt something. Their love, at first sight, had started when they had met, and it had never ended since they had found each other. Harry hadn’t known it back then, of course, but even during his first encounter with Louis, he had felt that fluttering feeling from deep down inside, when Louis had first smiled at him. It had been like gravity had moved, and nothing had mattered more than him.

or even in a magical world, Louis and Harry's love is the most magical and beautiful thing in the world, Zayn is the smart Ravenclaw who falls for his best friend, Liam's true feelings are revealed and Niall is Niall.

or my first Larry Hogwarts AU that I just had to write.

Close your eyes (and let the word paint a thousand pictures) by larrycaring

They were attached at the hip as soon as they met on the Hogwarts Express. They became good friends within the first week of school, and from that day on, Harry just kind of snuck his way right into Louis’ heart. It’s just his charming side, his genuine and caring personality, his stupid puns (and now pick-up lines) that make Louis laugh his ass off, and his bravery and determination. His endless support and loyalty, his friendship… Everything about him, Louis loves. Merlin’s beard, he’s truly gone for him. And he doesn’t know how to tell Harry.

or another Hogwarts AU where Harry thinks it’s a good idea to use cheesy pick-up lines to reveal his feelings to Louis.

Faking It by TheCellarDoor

A uni AU in which Louis has been Harry’s best friend since he offered him cubed fruit on the playground, and they spend more time cuddling in their dorm beds than they do apart, but it’s not like that. Or is it?

Aka Harry pretends to date his best friend to escape unwanted attention from a too insistent classmate and hopes it won’t blow up in his face. Featuring embarrassing dildo accidents, awkward boners, longing, first times, late night conversations, emotional discoveries and Niall as the exasperated friend with bad advice.

Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow by 1Diamondinthesun

Harry spends most of his time in an empty house or a lonely darkroom, dreaming of leaving his small town for art school. He's invisible to most people. And then Louis Tomlinson sees him. Life will never be the same.

Or, the American high school AU loosely inspired by She's All That.

A Real Work of Art by lululawrence

“I don’t understand,” Liam said for probably the fiftieth time in ten minutes. “You have to explain again how this is a bad thing.”

“Leeeeyummm,” Harry whined into the phone as he leaned his head onto his desk. “I felt like this year was my year for getting his attention, you know? That senior year I would finally get Logan Thompson to realize I exist! But he’s in almost every single one of my classes, Li. How am I supposed to survive that?”

“Easily,” Liam answered, with the same matter of fact tone his voice always took when Harry was in one of his fits. “He doesn’t know you exist, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Right?”

Or the one where Harry calls on an old friend, the super popular Louis Tomlinson, to help him change his look to capture the heart of Logan. Things only mostly go as planned.

wanna taste your heart, don't interfere by orphan_account

Harry still remembers how unsure he felt when he first told Louis, how self-conscious he was. Louis had been nothing but understanding and kind, though, reassuring him that nothing’s going to change between them, that they’re still best friends regardless of sex. Harry had been mostly relieved at that, because he really doesn’t want to lose Louis as a friend over this, but another part of him had been a bit sad because… well, because nothing changed between them. Or rather, there is change, but it’s completely one-sided as far as Harry can tell.

This change being him not getting enough of the way Louis smells. He just can’t help it, is the thing, unable to stop himself from trying to subtly press his nose against the fabric of Louis’ shirt by his shoulders. He still smells like faint cologne and sweat, which is enough to make Harry start feeling slightly dizzy.

(harry presents as an omega, louis is his alpha best friend, and there are hidden feelings that just get harder to control.)

Picture Perfect by LittleBubbleStyles

an AU where Louis Tomlinson is a misunderstood football player, and Harry Styles is a misunderstood photographer. Somehow, they're understood together.

this is a wip but it is updated regularly, almost finished, and I highly recommend it!!

[just-anka]

I realised I haven’t really regularly posted here since like... I don’t even know, September? It’s been a while, anyway. A lot happened, and I now feel like actually writing a post for the first time in a while, so here goes haha. The first bullet point is entirely work waffle so feel free to skip. Apologies in advance for the fact that this post will probably reach novel length by the time I’m done. 

• I took a week off in late September before Ben started his new job so we could go to the mountains for a bit, and it was a much-needed little break from work. And pretty much right after I got back, work got completely mental - nothing bad as such, just one thing after the other, loads of deadlines, so many important things. First I was finishing up data for a paper (first authorship was being debated which is partially why I threw myself into the job so much, but it looks like it’ll be the PhD student before me’s now, which is how it should be tbh, it’s much more hers than it is mine), then the date for my first committee meeting was set and I suddenly had only two weeks to prepare (did not think it was going to be that short notice, whoops, had a very stressful two weeks but all went well - for us, this meeting means presenting our research plan and preliminary data to a committee of four professors so they can give you input, it’s not suuuper formal but still pretty stressful), then I had to write the report for that (I love writing so that one was okay), then there was suddenly a lot to do for a really important cooperation with a company (big money responsibility which stressed me the fuck out), and then, just as I thought I was pretty much done for the year, I realised I needed my lab book up to date for my end of year meeting with my PI (which wouldn’t be such a big deal, except I didn’t have a lab book at the time. Never got around to starting one. So nine months of lab book were written within another very stressful week). Whew. Even writing this out makes me feel like that was a lot haha. 

• After the end of year discussion, I really was done for the year - I officially worked until the 23rd but there was not that much actual work happening, and with the pressure off after months, I properly crashed for a few days. Ben left for England on the weekend after to see his family for christmas etc, and I spent most of that weekend sleeping and doing very little. It was needed. Then my mum came to visit me for the holidays and we had four really lovely days together, also involving a lot of chilling (the only actual thing we did was that magical winter hike that I posted some pictures of the other day). 

• And now I’m skiing! I was planning to go to England as well for NYE to see Ben’s family, but with the corona situation escalating again lately I decided it was too risky for just a few days. So I made a last-minute plan to go skiing by myself instead, because all that involves is a 2 hour train journey. I’m actually staying in a hotel too, which I’ve never done by myself before, I’m usually a dorm in a hostel type of person, but well. Covid has changed a lot of things :D trying to stay safe and away from people, which is of course not entirely possible in a ski resort, but it’s going okay. The skiing itself is great, it’s really nice having some time to go at my own pace and a few days in a row. Today was day 4 and I’ve really found my groove again (more on that later). There’s not much snow though so not many off-pisteing opportunities :/ I’m staying until Monday and then it’s back to work on Wednesday. 

• Speaking of skiing, we’ve got season passes this year, my first season and Ben’s second. We’ve just been doing on the weekends so far - since the 21st of November I just realised while looking back in my calendar! That’s one hell of an early season start haha. We did just one day three weekends and then one full weekend right before Ben left. The first few days were bloody hard. For context, I learned to ski before I learned to walk and loved it as a child, then stopped for a few years because I felt like I wasn’t progressing anymore and was getting bored with it, basically. Then last January I went to France with Ben and his skiing friends and got introduced to freeriding and the idea of ski touring, and now I’m back to loving it haha. I’d ideally like to not have to resort ski anymore at one point (meaning touring) because I know it’s terrible from an environmental standpoint but... idk. It’s currently my only option, and I love it a lot, so I guess it feels okay? Anyway, since I learned to ski so early, it’s the one sport that I’ve always been pretty good at and like, never get scared, at least not on piste. Until this year. The first three individual days were just all kind of horrible, the conditions weren’t ideal with very hard surface and tons of ice and pretty busy slopes, and only steep terrain open as well (Engelberg, our “home” resort - we have a season pass that encompasses a bunch of resorts so we’re not limited to one - is literally dead flat beginner’s slopes, which weren’t open in the beginning, or red runs that should be black and black lol). Pairing loads of ice with my old skis which barely have an edge anymore was... not ideal. I was so scared constantly and it made me like I lost all my ability etc etc. But yeah, turns out I just needed a few days and some easier conditions to get back into it, and now ice and steep stuff and everything is fine again. Who would’ve thought. (a sensible person, probably). 

• But then, the full weekend we skied in December was awesome! Saturday already felt much better and then it snowed a bunch over night and Sunday we spent all day powder skiing, basically. I learned SO much and just had an absolute ball! Definitely one of the best days skiing I’ve had, and one of the best days recently in general. 

• Plus that whole weekend was just lovely, car camping in a campsite full of huge campervans was pretty fun :D I love the looks we get when people see the car and clearly wonder where we sleep. And we’ve got our setup perfected for winter now so both the nights were toasty. Friday night we had dinner in “bed” watching a movie, and Saturday night we sat in the little kitchen (the campsite has it open for everyone, but everyone else there has a camper, so it doesn’t seem to be used much) drinking tea and playing cards and ahh. Camping in the mountains. My ideal life eh? (though the weekend before this wonderful one, we got snowed in because it dumped over a metre over night completely unexpectedly and that was stressful as hell, but I think that’s a story for another day, if ever, I’m kind of trying to forget that day :’D) 

• Yesterday I also finally took the plunge and ordered new skis. Been debating for ages which ones to get but I’ve finally decided and I’m now very excited! 

• Ok this post so far reads as “work and skiing” which is pretty much what November and December were and probably what January is going to be too haha. Ben and I want to ski another week together end of January as well, and there’s some big exciting work things coming up as well. 

• Even though I have to admit, now that I’m on a break, I’ve spent a lot of time dreading work and questioning my career choices and all of that lark... sigh. I love my job most of the time, but I kind of hate having a job? If that makes sense? Sometimes (okay a lot of the time) I just wish I had more time for other things that I care about. But I also now I’m lucky to have that job, especially this year, and lucky to have a job I don’t hate, and get to do a lot of fun stuff on the side, even if it often means little sleep and downtime. 

• Speaking of things I care about, I was on a proper roll with writing for a few days before and after Christmas. It’s ebbed off again a bit, but it was still pretty cool, and my totally-useless-all-cheese-project is now 33,000+ words long and like, half-way there story wise. Had a lot of fun with that. 

• Lastly, Ben is still in England, and he’s coming back next Sunday, and I can’t wait! I miss him so much when we’re not together it’s actually silly. Although it’s less stressful this time than the last few times because... we live together, his work just offered him an unlimited contract from January, and I’m stuck here for another 2-3 years, so it looks like we’ll actually get to be in the same place for now. Which is all I wished for last year, and I’m so damn grateful - that stability really is the best thing 2020 has brought for me. And, as he said, even though we were apart for the start of the new year, it will hopefully bring more time together than any previous year ♡

• Okay I think this is long enough now, if you actually made it until here you’re a hero and I will try and post a bit more regularly again now to avoid this size of mind dump :’D I hope you all got into the new year alright, it feels very strange to me that it’s 2021 because I actually slept through midnight on new year’s for the first time since I was tiny haha but I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way! 

[pink-peony-princess]

My Heroes

-Ester-

“Are you sure you want to do this?" Shawn asked, looking down the snow covered mountain and back at me. He looked petrified. Something which I found hilarious considering he regularly went into dangerous situations, putting his own life at risk to help others. He was an Emergency Response Doctor and worked both in the hospital and out in the field, quite often in highly dangerous and ‘touch and go’ situations.

The other guys laughed at his uncertainty. “We'll be fine Shawn,” Connor, one of my brother’s friends, and a fellow doctor spoke.  They had all taken me for a ski getaway for an early birthday present.They all work as doctors, Connor in PEDs, Dave in Orthopedics and Brian as a heart surgeon.

“We’ve done this route about ten times already,” Brian added.

"Yeah, you have,” My brother spoke, emphasising the fact that he had not be present on previous occasions.

"Just shut up!" I commanded, sighing. "I'm going. Who's with me?" I asked, a smile starting at the thought of the thrill we were all about to get.

A chorus "yeahs" and "hell yeahs" returned, and then we were off. All racing one another down the mountain. I couldn't see the others, who must have been a few metres behind me, but I knew they were there, and desperately wanted to turn to try and catch a glimpse of Shawn making his way down the mountain.

The wind was exhilarating! So fresh, and clean compared to life back in the city. I found my mind wondering slightly as I made my way further down the track, having already down it several times, I didn't feel like I needed to be as cautious. Boy was I wrong!

I was making my way around what I thought to be the final bend in the course, when I was faced with a massive pile of freshly placed snow. They had changed the course trajectory, and there was nothing I could do about it now. Rocketing as I was towards the freezing wall.

My body hit it with such force that the air was literally knocked out of me for a few seconds, but worse than that was the fact that my left leg went one way, and the rest of my body, the other, I heard the snap, before the pain consumed me. The next few minutes were a blur of fear and agony. I was too cold, and in too much shock and pain to even cry out for help, so when Connor finally came to a skidding holt beside me I was a blubbering mess.

"Ester, can you hear me honey?" he asked, taking my hand and pinching my thumb to try and elicit some sort of response. He let go when I groaned,just wanting him to make the pain go away. Not to cause more. And where was my brother? I was a barely twenty year old, stuck on a snow covered mountain, on my birthday severely injured. I needed Shawn.

Within a matter of minutes there were more hands on me, a flurry of activity and noise that I could hardly decipher. "What the hell happend?" Someone asked, Dave I think.

"I'm not entirely sure, but I came round the corner, and she was here, I haven't started vitals yet, but she did respond to pain stimuli which is a start." I could feel myself teetering on the edge as the two doctors spoke, but I wasn't going to give in. I didn't want to be unconscious in the middle of nowhere as my brother and his friends worked on me. Reaching my hand up I tried to feel for one of their hands, but when I felt nothing I began to get frustrated.

"Ester, can you hear me honey?" The same voice from before spoke. Definitely Dave. This was confirmed when I managed to open my eyes and found him smiling grimly back at me.

In that moment my head wasn't straight and before I'd even processed what my body was doing, I was moving. As I tried and failed to sit up, ignoring the intense pain that was coming from my shoulder and pelvic area, I managed to catch a glimpse of the ground surrounding the lower part of my body. It was red, red as if someone had obtained a can of red paint and discarded it carelessly into the snow. Shock took over as I realised the source of the vibrant liquid. Me. I suddenly felt very faint, and could feel my chest tightening.

"Ester, honey, you have to stay still. I'm pretty sure judging by the angle of your arm that your shoulder is dislocated. You'll only hurt yourself more. Let us look after you okay. Let us do our jobs." Connor half chastised, half begged me as he helped me to situate myself again.

"My leg, there so much blood!" I gasped feeling quezy at the sight of my mangelled limb.

"Sweets, don't watch okay, it'll just make it worse, you have to try and stay still okay? We don't know how much damage you've done until we can get you to the hospital." Connor explained grabbing my hand again in comfort.

I lay there not really aware of what was going on around me just wishing I could be anywhere but here. "Ester, baby?" Finally I broke out of my state and came to reality.

"Shawn?" I whispered, making eye contact with him as he lent over me.

"I'm right here, bug, I've got you. I'm going to unzip this jacket for a minute okay sweets, we need to see what other injuries you have." he explained, before carefully but quickly removing my only source of warmth, immediately earning a moan of protest.

"Shhhh, Just a minute okay, then we'll get you extra rugged up okay?" Brian spoke for the first time, removing the bag he had been carrying from his back and starting to remove blankets.

I had laughed at him earlier in the morning, remarking that it was as if he was going for a camp out in the snow, not for a mere ride on the trails, but now I couldn't help but feel extremely greatful.

"Right, Princess, you're  breathing way too fast at the moment. I know you're in pain, and you're probably scared. But I need you to try and slow it down." Brian spoke as he moved the last layer of clothing covering my stomach. There was no disguising the sharp intake of breath as he surveyed my mid-section. Everyone was silent for a minute as Brian examined me ever so gently. The others watching his every move. I couldn't help but feel slightly like a bug under a microscope, especially given the crowd that had started to form. It felt like every two minutes someone new was asking the guys if they had called for an ambulance. The answer to which each of them took in turns to patiently answer with a "yes", reassuring the by-standers that they were doctors, and knew what they were dealing with.

"Connor, I can't be sure, but I think she's got some broken ribs, her breathing is inhibited, and she's got some serious bruising forming, her left shoulder is well and truly dislocated too." Dave finally spoke, agreeing with Connor's theory, before starting to readjust my clothing, protecting me from the bitter cold.

" It's possible that it's internal bleeding or a bruised spleen." Brian put in as they all shared a little glance above my head.

I couldn't help the groan that left my mouth as this new information sunk in. They thought I was bleeding from the inside out?

"Ester, I need you to tell me where it hurts honey," Shawn spoke, holding my hand in silent comfort. When I didn't respond Connor took my hand and pinched my finger once again.

"Ow!" I glared up at him, earning a smile.

"Good to see the princess is still as feisty as ever!" This caused everyone to laugh. Even me, but the fun was short-lived, as my body was once again bathed in pain.

"Make it stop!" I begged, squirming around uncomfortably.

"Just stay still baby." Shawn tried to sooth me while also trying to help Dave.

"But it hurts and I'm cold." my teeth chartered as if agreeing with what I just said.

"I know you are princess," Brian spoke softly.  I sighed before starting to close my eyes.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  "Hey, follow my finger okay," he called, trying to get my attention. Begrudgingly I opened my eyes again, and was met by glare that immediately made me squint. I did as asked though, before I heard him answer a question I hadn't heard be asked.

"Definate concussion, pupils unequal and slow to respond, though it's hard to tell the full extent here without the proper equipment. Keep her talking Shawn."  Brian muttered, moving around my body to help Dave with whatever he was doing.

"Wow," I heard him let out a low whistle, my heart rate spiking in response.

"Brian!" Dave groaned,  seeing the panic that had begun to set in.  "Would you keep it down.  The poor kid's heart is already racing,  and you're not making it any better.  You're terrifying her," he spoke.  Stopping whatever he was doing to look up.  "Ester, can you feel this honey?" he asked, before I felt an odd sensation on my foot. Nonetheless I could feel it,  so I nodded causing all four of the doctors to such in relief.

"That's good news Princess.  It means your leg isn't as bad as we first thought! " Connor looked much more excited than I felt, but I smiled back as convincingly as I could in my haze. I tuned out for a few minutes, but soon what they were saying caught my attention. Well some of it. Something about having to "apply pressure to my leg" to stop the bleeding, and sedation. That was all it took before I started to panic again.

"Just take nice deep, slow breathes Princess, you can do it, here give me your hand, " Shawn spoke, noticing my obvious terror and changed breathing. I couldn't believe how calm he was as he took my hand gently in his own again , and laid it against his chest. "Copy me. In, out, in out, that's it," he praised as I finally managed to follow his lead. "They won't hurt you bug." I wasn't sure I trusted him,  but the sincerity and intensity with which he met my gaze won me over.

"Oh-okay," I spoke in barely a whisper. My head was starting to hurt from the noise.  The crowd, the guys conversing with one another.  "But my leg," I whimpered as another round of panic hit me.

"Look at me bug," Shawn commanded,leaning over me, blocking out the surrounding crowd that had previously filled my peripheral vision.  "I won't let them hurt you. Hell, they'd rather die than hurt you.  We're not going to do anything until help gets here okay? We can't, it wouldn't be safe." he added as if to try and make his point even clearer.

-Shawn-

10 minutes later

As I stood waiting for the stupid satellite phone we had been given by the service people at the bottom of the run, I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing. There was my baby sister, who was meant to be celebrating her 20th birthday, laying in the snow, half- conscious with a flood of blood coming from a gash on  her left leg along with what looked like a probable fibia fracture, another open wound on her head,  and bruises so bad after only a few minutes that she looked more like a blueberry and less like a person.

Finally the phone connected and I was put through to the Emergency Department. This is doctor Shawn Mendes  head of Emergency Response. We have an incoming pediatric trauma with an eta of 45 minutes possibly an hour."

After going though the motions all the while being consumed with worry and guilt,  I made my way back over to Ester. Connor who had taken over comforting her for me, looked up, his expression bleak, and somewhat pained.

"It's not great mate, Brian's pretty sure she's got air in her lungs, and she's about to pass out."

I felt my own heart rate rise as I took in my sister's form. Shaking my head slightly to try and clear my mind I nodded "Helicopter is about 2 minutes out. The hospital just got a GPS location on it."

"Ester look at me," I called moving to lean over her again so she could see me without moving. "I need you to stay awake okay? Can you do that honey?"

She made the smallest noise to indicate "yes", before going quiet again.  Whether it was the shock or she was simply in so much pain she didn't know how to process it, the silence was concerning, and as a doctor, my biggest concern was to keep her talking.

"Tell me what else hurts okay," Connor chimed in, seeing what I was trying to do, and that I may need some help.

"My other knee, and like it's kinda going down into my private area." She blushed at having to tell four males, and basically a crowd of strangers this piece of information.

"Just there? Or the whole area?" Dave called from down by her leg.

"Whole area," she whispered clearly terrified.

"Okay,I can't really see a whole lot with all these layers in the way, but when the help arrives we'll take a look," he explained moving up towards her head slightly so he could talk to her more easily.

"No don't touch it! Dave! Please!" she begged hysterically, tears once again running down her face. He was quick to notice the change in her demenor, and acted quickly to try and calm the situation again.

"I'm not going to hurt you honey, but I need to have a look so we can assess how bad your injuries are." The look of pity and sympathy on his face was one I saw was shared with the two other guys as I looked to each of them.

The pain she was describing was consistent with sciatic pain.  If what we were all thinking was correct,  then she was doing a great job at hiding her discomfort.

We all shared a knowing look. On the one hand it was good that she could feel her legs and pelvic area.  But sciatic pain was excruciating at the best of times, and now was not that.

We spent the remaining time trying to keep her calm, and alert.  Both of which were proving difficult, especially as the initial shock wore off and the gravity of the situation she was set in. This was compounded when she somehow overheard Brian and Dave discussing the fact that they would need to remove the clothing on the bottom half of her body to stem the bleeding and stabilise her legs.

"No please!" She begged again, it was clear from the way her voice shook as she spoke that not only was she done,  but she was terrified. But she couldn't give up yet, she needed to fight. We needed her to fight, it was proven that patients who believed in their recovery were much more likely to live a full life after experiencing trauma. I sat next to her for a minute trying not to cry myself, as I watched Connor try to calm her. Then it came to me.

"Sweetheart listen to me," I spoke looking her right in the eye. "Right now the most important thing is that we get you to the hospital  in the most stable condition possible.  We think you've got a fractured fibia,  and you definitely have a dislocated knee and potential ciatic damage. Trust me when I say the least of your problems is being slightly exposed in front of your brother and his friends. We're all doctors. We've seen it all before princess. Nothing's going to happen,”I promised.

"But what if they can't fix me?" she whispered so quietly that I almost didn't catch it. I was slightly taken aback by the question. Luckily Brian had stood moments before reaching for the pocket knife that he always kept in his backpack when she voiced the fear, and so he was the one to answer.

"You listen to me Poppet," he started in a gentle yet commanding voice.  "You're going to be just fine. You've got four of the best doctors in the area working on you right now."

"Im just scared," she responded, small tears rolling down her face and mixing with the blood that had started to dry from the laceration on her head.

"Ester your brother here is the head of the Emergency Response team, Connor's the head of PEDs, Dave's the head of Ortho and I'm of the Cardiovascular Department.  You are completely safe okay. I know it may not seen like it right now, but you will be okay." His tone softened slighty when he saw that she seemed to be taking on board what he was saying. "You're doing great Poppet," he added, gently stroking the side of her face, as she looked up at him.

"Tell me everything?" she asked some uncertainty still evident from the way she was gripping my hand like a vice.

" Of course, Princess you're in charge!" he agreed before saluting her jokingly. This seemed to lift her spirits a bit, as a small smile graced her face. " I'll even make you a deal. You let us do what we need to do and I'll make sure you have all the chocolate you can eat when you're discharged."

"Thanks Bri," I whispered when she wasn't paying attention. 

" Don't sweat it! Just doing my bit.”

Third person

5 minutes later

None of the four young doctors could admit it, but they were all beyond relieved when the helicopter landed, and two paramedics stepped out, bringing with them all the gear they might need. “Who do we have here?” One of them asked as he knelt next to Ester.

“This is Ester, she’s my little sister. Twenty. We're not exactly sure what happened, but basically blunt trauma.” Shawn filled the new medics in as the three other doctors went about unpacking the several bags of medical supplies, getting ready to begin more in-depth observations and stabilisation before transfer to the hospital. “We've started some basic observations, but we were limited till you got here.Possible bruised spleen, broken ribs and collapsed lung with bruising, severe concussion, dislocated left shoulder, air in chest cavity. Possible spinal, elevated hr 135, increased breath sounds, unequal, left side diminished somewhat, deep laceration to the left leg, and severe fracture to the fibia, lacerations on the face, abdominal/thoracic, dislocated right knee and suspected sciatic nerve damage.”

As Shawn rattled off the long list of injuries that they had found just from the initial observations the gravity of the situation started to hit him and he found himself having to actively calm himself so that he was able to concentrate on helping his sister. He felt like a duck, sailing smoothly on top of the pond, and paddling furiously underneath. Luckily for him his friends were better at keeping their emotions in check than he was… at least in this situation.

Brian wasted no time,taking a stethoscope that one of the paramedics handed him and listening to Ester’s chest. “Yep, there’s definitely a collapsed lung. I can hear the air. I’m going to need to put a tube in.” he grimaced as he stepped back, allowing Shawn, who had come to a little more when the other medic had handed him the penlight he had been using and asked him to check that he was correct.

"Pupils are fixed and dialated, we need to get her off this mountain now. Someone hand me a knife and Connor, can you get a line in mate? Standard of saline and pain meds please."

"Princess can I have you're hand. I'm going to give you some stuff to make you a bit more comfortable," Connor explained as he went about gathering the necessary equipment, before locating a vein and cleaning the area. " Sharp scratch bubs," he warned before the metal broke the skin, causing her eyes to water slightly. "All done, you should start to feel a little more comfy in a minute," he smiled encouragingly as Ester lifted her hand and gave a thumbs up before taking his hand in hers.

"Ester we need to remove these pants so we can stop the bleeding and splint your knee and leg," Shawn spoke earning a groan.   "I know lovely," he agreed, feeling sorry for his sister.  It had to be humiliating to be exposed like this. "You're okay sweets," he added as she cried out when the doctors moved her limbs into place to gain better access to the effected areas.

" Here, can you suck on this for me?" he asked as he handed her the green whistle, a device that held pain medication, and often sent patients a little loopy. "It only works if you keep using it honey. Focus on breathing it in okay," Shawn spoke trying to keep his sister's attention anywhere but Dave and her legs.

"This is going to hurt like hell,"  Dave whispered. As he moved around to help Shawn start to maneuver her right leg. "Look at the knee cap. She's really done a number on herself."

"I know feel horrible. I'm her brother. I don't want to see her like this," Shawn knew he wasn't technically meant to be treating her, but right now it was exactly that,a technicality. He would be damned if he would let his sister suffer. 

It was only a matter of seconds before she was begging them to stop, but they all knew that it would be more painful to stop the process half way through so continued despite the increasingly desperate sobs of their patient."Ester listen to the sound of my voice Princess," Brian spoke when they had finished, both legs satisfactorily taken care of for the time being.

Once he had gotten her a little more calm he broke the next lot of bad news.

"I need to put a chest tube in, and I need you to be brave okay."

"No," she answered immediately trying to shake her head that was now restricted by a spinal collar.

" Listen to me," he continued, " Right now your lung has a hole in it, and air is building up in the wrong spot and stopping it from inflating properly."

No more was said as they all went about numbing her up,  but once the first incision was made they felt terrible.  None of them could understand how someone that was in so much pain hadn't passed out. Ordinarily they would have put her under, but with unknown injuries it was far from safe.

" And we've got it, " Connor spoke as he checked for breath sounds.

From there everything was much more smooth sailing. They finished hooking her up to the necessary equipment- blood pressure (low at 90/50),  heart rate 160 beats per minute, oximeter and oxygen. 

When they were finally ready to leave the surrounding crowd clapped for them, and yelled out well wishes for Ester,  though she didn't hear many as she was now so loopy from the green whistle that she was trying to tell Connor that she loved the way the sunlight lit his hair, and that he should think about going into modelling. When they all started laughing she looked around very indignantly (well as best as she could)  and told them to ' not even talk' which only caused them to laugh harder.

- 35 minutes later-

They arrived at the hospital and the whole process was started again.  CT scans, x-rays, ultrasounds and surgery the list went on.

"I honestly don't know how she didn't pass out." Brian sighed as he and Connor stood just outside the door to the room in the intensive care unit she had been assigned.

" Shock," Connor answered.

The conversation was cut short however when they heard her voice " No, just leave me alone!"

"But Ester, I need to check your obs. I need to make sure your temp has come up," Dave tried to reason as he and Shawn stood beside the bed looking dismayed. "You've done so well so far!"

-Ester-

There was so much going on, that even now in my own room, nurses were in and out of my room, doctors trying to ask questions, I couldn't catch a break, I hadn't even been able to pass out. What a way to spend your birthday.  As if on cue, Dave walked in, my chart in hand.

"No," I cried, "just let me sleep!"

"What's going on?" I heard Connor ask as he came to stand by my bed with Shawn (who hadn't left my side) and Dave.

" She won't let me do her obs,"  Dave sighed causing me to glare.

" I just want to sleep!"

"Come here bug, Shawn spoke opening his arms wide, knowing that above anything else I needed love.

"Can Dave finish checking your vitals now?"

"Fine." I conceded snuggling in to Shawn's side. Feeling the most comfortable I had all day. Little did I know, but that was the start of a very long recovery  One that had ups and downs. No matter how down hearted I got though the guys never gave up. They were my heroes, and I made sure to tell them  After Brian had gotten me my chocolate as he promised of course.

[little-miss-dumpsterfire]

I think I made you up inside my head - chapter three

Chapter three my select few darlings! Yes, it’s already on wattpad (sorry if you’ve read it already) but I like to share!

Are you ready kids?

Chapter Three - I am only what you made me. I am only a reflection of you

Trigger warning - mental health issues and blood/gore.

If you're not comfortable, please skip. 💛

******************************************

Sharp tears prickled in his hazel eyes as the ability to form coherent words seemed to escape him. He had known the minor details surrounding Lindsay's untimely death - a reality tv darling dropping dead was headline-worthy - but her family were tight-lipped about the exact circumstances of her demise. His mind raced as he tried to comprehend how Izzy had known all of this; her knowledge rivalled that of a fly on the bathroom wall. As if she could hear his innermost thoughts, Izzy answered his unspoken question.

"I knew the right people to ask," she told him, brushing the hair out from in front of her eyes, "I knew she didn't just die. I wasn't going to let her death be treated in such a blasé fashion."

Axel choked, the words lodged deeply in his throat. "Bu- I mean... how did you get the mirror?"

"I found it one day. It was in a box on my doorstep. Any sane person would leave it be, but if the media established anything, I'm clearly not seen as sane. So I opened it. I don't know who sent it to me. My money's on a producer who revels in the sadistic thrill derived from the torment and suffering we went through. I couldn't throw it away though, because what would be left of her if I did? She was already condemned to the ground. I wasn't going to be the one to throw her memory to the wind."

Izzy looked to her left, her reflection dimly lit in the glass cabinet on the far wall. "In my head... all I think of is when it's all over, is this how I'll be defined? The final victim of Total Drama... that's etched into my brain. I'll become another knick-knack in a hall of curiosities. We're no longer people in here, Axel, we're collectables."

Thoughts bounced around erratically in Axel's head - conflicting notions manifesting like an angel and a devil on his shoulder. In front of him was a woman who was struggling with the turmoil outliving all of her friends. Yet, the magnetic pull of the almighty dollar swayed his actions towards chasing stardom.

He lightly gripped her forearm, giving her his best convincing empathetic smile.

"Tell me the stories. Let the voices out of the purgatory that is your mind. Everything...one, everyone in here will not be relegated to the sidelines, I won't let that happen." Axel assured Izzy, his warm smile twitching at the corners of his mouth.

Ignoring the suspicion that washed over her thoughts - for the time being at least - Izzy continued walking down the aisles of shelves. Axel shadowed her, following a few paces behind, mindlessly fiddling with the items on display. Two tarnished faux-gold lockets sat near each other, the two halves of the 'BFF' heart separate from one another. As he went to push the two sections together, Izzy stopped him abruptly and pushed his hand away.

"No," she started, startling Axel with the sudden sternness. "They can't be together. They don't share a heart anymore."

"So what? They grew out of being obnoxious teenage girls and went their separate ways. Big fucking deal!"

She stared daggers into him, holding the shelving for support. "You've got no idea, kid. Just because the sun's covered, it doesn't mean your shadow's gone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As far as appearances were concerned, Katie and Sadie were almost each other's doubles. Matching short pigtails with bright pink hair ties, coordinated short shorts, crop-tops and wedged sandals... the two looked like they fell from opposite sides of a funhouse mirror. To all of us on the cast, and the audience at home, no doubt, the only differentiating factor between the two was their build. Katie was slim and taller than Sadie by about four inches, whereas Sadie was shorter and carried more weight.

The two 'BFFL's sat together on the stairs leading to the dock, ready to film their segment for the opening sequence. Waiting for the crew to finish setting up the camera equipment, Katie busies herself with refastening her hair ties.

"Okay girls," an unseen producer informs them, "we need your best-infatuated expression. So give up wide eyes, big smiles, the whole nine yards."

The girls nod in response, awaiting their cue. Sadie clasped her hands against her chest - a wide smile plastered on her face - and Katie bit her lip coyly.

"And.... cut. Alright, move set to the dock for Beth's fire-baton stunt. Doug, remember the extinguisher this time." The producer called about. "Great job, girls. Especially you, Katie. That lip bite was dynamic."

Sadie looked to her right at her best friend. "Wait, you bit your lip? We agreed on a wide-mouthed smile."

"It's no big deal, I just wanted to try something different," Katie shrugged, readjusting her shoulder strap. "We can't always be the same, you know?"

Personality-wise, once you got to know them separately, it was like night and day. Katie was free-spirited, leading with her heart. Her passion for all things fashion was evident through her and Sadie's matching outfits and her behind-the-scenes chats with the likes of Lindsay and Heather. Sadie, on the other hand, was more logical, leading with her head. She was more likely to be the sheep as opposed to the shepherd. And when Katie was eliminated early? It was like leading a lamb to the slaughter.

Sadie sat on a jagged log at the campfire, head in her hands violently sobbing. Bridgette futilely offered her support, attempting to coax the girl from her hysterical state.

"Hey, Sadie, it'll be okay. You've got all us Killer Bass on your side." Bridgette lightly rubbed circles on the crying girl's back.

"No!" Sadie snapped at Bridgette, tears staining her cheeks. "It's not okay! I need Katie. When she's not near me, I break out in hives. She's my everything! I need her more than oxygen! Without her... I'll just die!"

Concerned expressions flashed on the faces of their fellow teammates as Sadie's wails echoed through the woods of Camp Wawanakwa. She clutched the debris from the dock closer to her chest; small cracks formed as wooden shrapnel shattered from around the edges.

What we thought back then was just a toxic 'uber' friendship between two sixteen-year-old girls was far more deep-rooted than any of us anticipated. Regarding Sadie... the best way to sum that up is to quote my dearly missed best friend Noah: 'Sadie is a whackjob with more baggage than an airport terminal'. But I suppose that is giving her a disservice. Upon Katie's departure, Chris was notified by Sadie's therapist of the extent of her mental state. I found out too because back then, well, let's just say you couldn't leave me in the dark for too long.

Sadie's childhood wasn't easy in the slightest. Her relationship with her birth parents was relatively non-existent. Therefore, she was surrendered into the custody of the state. The conveyor belt life of passing through the foster care system took a toll on the girl, with an absence of permanent parental love leaving holes in her heart. Her talkative nature and inhibitions to talk and hug strangers lead to her first visit to the therapist. She was a clear cut case for the child behavioural scientists: disinhibited social engagement disorder, an attachment disorder. Looking back, this was evident in all her future actions, particularly those with Katie.

The bell rang on the first day of their last year of high school. Sadie - dressed as per usual in fuchsia shorts and a striped crop top - eagerly skipped over to the locker of her best friend. As the locker door slammed and her friend came into view, the excited expression on Sadie's face dropped.

"K-Katie? What's this?" Sadie questioned, holding her sticker-covered folder flush against her chest.

Katie raised an eyebrow quizzically, straightening out her paper timetable to find her first classes location.

"What do you mean, Sadie?"

"I mean that!" the shorter girl exclaimed, gesturing at Katie's outfit. The taller girl had moved away from her typical Total Drama outfit, substituting it with a pair of denim jeans and a pastel pink cardigan.

"Oh, this? I just wanted to branch out a bit. I mean, matching outfits? What are we, twins?"

Katie giggled at her observation, with Sadie clearly missing the joke.

"Anyway, I have to get to English, but I'll see you around, yeah?" Katie chirped before walking off with two other girls.

Sadie stalked over to Katie's locker, using a spare hairpin to open it. Her heart broke upon looking at its contents. Gone were the photos of her and Sadie plastered onto her locker door. Cutouts from fashion magazines and runway shows lay in their wake and stuffed under a pile of books was the BFF necklace Sadie gifted her years prior.

Following their graduation, the pair had drifted apart. Katie received an offer to the most prestigious fashion school in Canada and left their small town for Toronto. Unbeknownst to her, Sadie followed suit and got a job at a sewing goods store. Sadie became Katie's shadow, desperately following her every move. Her morning routine was memorised, her coffee order became part of her mental wallpaper. Sadie's infatuation only grew, as in her mind, distance made the heart grow fonder. If only Katie knew that this distance was all of a few metres.

A harsh squeak dripped from the tired hinges of the ladder as Sadie climbed up the rungs, fastening something onto her wall. For her neighbours, the sound had become a part of their daily lives, as day after day, Sadie adhered more photos on the apartment wall. The collage of the lush green of leaves, the yellow of the bustling taxis and blue of the cloudless sky swirled around on the wall, catching a person's attention as they entered the room. A timber coffee table was neatly placed on the left, adorned with additional photo frames and miscellaneous decorations. The centrepiece to her display shimmered brightly when the morning sun shone through the gap in the curtains. Perched in a small, open velvet lines box was one half of a golden heart-shaped 'BFF' necklace.

Sadie took a step back and tilted her head, taking in the view from as many angles as she could. She had finally achieved the pinnacle of her undying love and infatuation for her former 'BFFL'. Neatly arranged across the length of the wall was a mural, dedicated to her muse, to the reason she woke up every morning. Candid photos of Katie walking down the street, exiting cars and meeting friends for coffee dates were carefully taken by the shadow she didn't know that she had.

A year and a half passed. There was a stark dichotomy between Katie and Sadie's lives. The final year of her fashion degree was approaching quickly, and Katie was not entering it alone. I don't know how many of us predicted it - probably Noah with his impeccable 'gaydar' - but Katie had fallen in love with an architecture student called Daisy. From what was depicted on their respective social media accounts, it was clear to us that they were enamoured with one another. The presence of another woman in Katie's life infuriated Sadie, as she believed that that position was reserved for her and her alone.

Then came the drop in the ocean that caused the whole tsunami. If it wasn't for Katie's selfless nature... well, I imagine things would've turned out a lot differently.

Katie sat cross-legged on the couch, a decorative throw rug draped across her lap. Their rescue cat, Archibald - a male calico - rested behind her head, purring with content as she opened her laptop. Her fingers barely touched the trackpad as she scrolled through her Facebook feed, bypassing ads for strange items and memes about the current political climate.

"Ekaterina," an auburn-haired girl walked through the doorway, a basket of washing in her hands. "I'm making something for lunch after I finish this washing. I'll probably use what's left in the fridge and make a frittata. D'you want some?"

"Ooh, yes please, Dais," Katie smiled at her partner, who poked her tongue out at the use of her nickname.

Katie clicked on her latest post to see who had reacted and liked. A smile crept across Katie's face as she clicked onto the picture: a photoshoot in a field on flowers where a bright ring sparkled on Katie's ring finger. She looked down at her left hand, still in a state of shock at Daisy's proposal. One name stuck out as Katie scrolled through the comments. She hadn't thought of them for years now and wondered what they were getting up to.

She clicked on their profile to compose a new message. Daisy walked up behind her and scratched Archibald's head before planting a kiss behind Katie's ear.

"Oooh, who are you talking to? Not your girlfriend, I hope," Daisy taunted, giggling breathlessly.

Katie threw her head back against the couch cushion and looked up at her fiancée.

"Yeah, I'm shopping elsewhere. I need someone who appreciates my nicknames!" Katie threw back, puffing her cheeks out comically. "No, you goose. It's this girl I used to go to school with. It's been forever and a day, and I thought I'd see how she's going."

"Sadie Calhoun... isn't she that one you went on that show with?"

"Yeah... I felt like such a poser back then. I don't think I've ever squealed since," Katie responded.

"Hey, people change. I had such a crush on you when I saw you on TV, and look now!" Daisy told her before walking away towards the kitchen. "I snagged the girl of my dreams!"

Katie laughed as she typed an introductory line, sending it through before closing her laptop.

*********

A sudden buzz from her phone against the wooden table shook Sadie out of her delirium. She had been sat before her photo wall, carefully cutting out photos of her face for what could have been hours. Paper scraps lined the wooden flooring like irregular speckles of snow as Sadie rose to her feet. Picking up her phone, her eyes shone brightly with its blue light as a squeal escaped from between her lips.

On her screen - behind the myriad of cracks and scratches - sat a notification that held Sadie's heart in a tight grip: Message request from Ekaterina Byers.

If this were a sitcom, I'm sure Sadie would've pinched herself at that moment to assure that she wasn't dreaming. But with one olive branch in the form of an instant message, Katie had signed her own death warrant.

Sadie opened the notification with bated breath, her cheeks aching from the smile that was cemented in place. Her heart fluttered with anxious butterflies as she read the message.

Ekaterina Byers:

"Hi, Sadie. I wonder if you remember me, probably not! High school seems like forever ago! Haha! 😝  I just thought I'd reach out and see if you wanted to get a coffee sometime and just catch up on life!"

The words swirled and danced before Sadie, who lovingly took in every single one with deep adoration and love. Everything she had wanted to tell her, the praise she had wanted to shower Katie in bounced around in her head. She placed her phone down, forcing herself to calm down before she wrote a response.

Sadie Calhoun:

"Oh, hi! OMG! Of course, I remember you! I'd love to catch up! You're the busy fashion designer, so you pick a time when you can squeeze an old friend in! 😎 💕" Watching the three dots in the bottom left corner caused Sadie's breath to hitch in her throat. She was typing... Katie was typing. They'd finally be reunited, not just from behind a camera lens. She felt as if she was in the painting 'The Creation of Adam', just a fingers touch away from her god, her whole world.

Ekaterina Byers:

"Haha, as if! I'm not there yet 😂  Would next Friday suit? Say about 9am at the Good Coffee Co. I need to hand in my portfolio at 8:30 so that'd work well."

Impulsively, acting out of desperation alone, Sadie immediately responded.

Sadie Calhoun:

"Yes! I'll be there! See you soon, Katie! 💕"

Sadie locked her phone before focusing her attention back to her craft. She picked up her scissors, skilfully manoeuvring around the edges of the photos. She stuck the product onto the wall and gazed upon it proudly. Hundreds of small cut out photos of her head were plastered on the wall, covering up any person Katie was with, replacing them with herself.

They did meet up, that much we do know. Testimonials from five different individuals confirmed that they saw the two girls at that café on Friday the 25th. What they talked about is up for speculation, because that stayed between the two of them. Why were testimonials needed if two young adults were just catching up over a cup of coffee? Because that was the last time Sadie Calhoun and Ekaterina 'Katie' Byers were seen alive.

Katie's eyelids drooped as she sat in the passenger seat of Sadie's car. Sadie - the 'good samaritan' that she was - had offered to drive Katie home after she suddenly felt light-headed following her coffee. Sadie parked in the driveway and opened Katie's door for her, helping her up as she tiredly hobbled towards the front door. Katie wearily collapsed onto the couch, her eyes barely registering the environment around her. She could hear faint crashing and shattering sounds as she struggled to keep her eyes open. She looked down upon the couch she was dozing on and sat up with a start.

"This isn't my house," she whispered to herself, scanning the room for any familiar objects. She froze in place when she spotted something utterly recognisable to her: her face. Hundreds of different angles of her face created a mosaic, a shrine to a friendship that was never meant to last.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Sadie smiled sweetly as she entered the room. "It couldn't be anything but. Not when the subject is as exquisite as you."

Confusion washed over Katie's face as Sadie approached her, a clothed parcel delicately held in her hands. Sadie reached up to caress her old friend's cheek; Katie snaked away from the touch, petrified of the girl in front of her.

"Hmm. That's the problem, isn't it?" Sadie soliloquised, her grey eyes meeting Katie's scared onyx eyes. "You stopped being Katie. You stopped being my best friend. I know Katie is living in those photos, not 'Ekaterina'. Katie wouldn't have left me. No, not at all. Forever isn't a term to just throw around."

Black tears dripped down Katie's face as she silently sobbed. "W-we were kids. What we were wa-wasn't healthy. We're two separate people, Sadie! I couldn't live being so connected to a shadow. I wanted t-to shine on my own."

"But I don't wanna be separate people! I want to be with you... to be you. To never be apart from you!" Sadie passionately yelled as Katie started to slump down in front of her. The world around her became dark as her lids closed tightly. As her consciousness drifted, a phrase echoed through her head.

"Don't worry now. We'll never be apart again."

*********

Excruciating pain emanating from her side woke her with a jolt. A dull haze covered her field of vision, but as she pulled her hand away from her waist, she could see it as clear as day. A warm layer of blood coated her hand like a glove. Her eyes slowly settled to the room she was in. Metres ahead of her was the collage of photos, but the furniture has been removed, leaving a wide-open space.

Her fingers felt around to find the source of the pain, coming across thick strands of string attached to her waist. A scream silently bubbled up inside her, threatening to explode.

Rough, uneven strands of double-wound fishing wire had been haphazardly sewn into both her and Sadie's sides, connecting them to each other.

A groggy smile spread across Sadie's plump cheeks as she revelled in her actions. "I told you we'll never be apart again."

An extreme shock was the only emotion Katie was able to come to terms with. Her body was statuesque; set in place by a fear-driven paralysis. A dryness inhabited her mouth, inhibiting her ability to swallow the truth in front of her. The room swayed and distorted around her - a prison cell painted with her face - as she forced her eyelids shut. This couldn't be reality. It was the sick dream of a girl trapped in the suffocating world of a teenage girl.

The pain Sadie felt in her abdomen only further fuelled her pleasure, letting every wave of pain wash over her in euphoric ecstasy. Her heart felt complete again as if she had regained a long-lost limb.

"I knew we'd become one again," Sadie hummed, intoxicated by being in Katie's presence. "Daisy was just a placeholder... keeping the bed warm for me. With every thread... every stitch... our closeness is now defined. We'll never be apart again. Best friends for life."

"...for...life," Katie mumbled, fresh blood weeping from her wounds.

Night and day passed slowly, the shadows cast from the pair forming contorted, misshapen dark splotches on the walls. A sickening warmth surrounded Katie, whose heartbeat pounded heavily in her ears. Her waist was bruising a deep purple, with the surrounding blood vessels snaking across her abdomen. Sadie was shaken awake by Katie's convulsions as her body became slick with a layer of sweat.

"Katie? I'm here, it's okay."

"I don't feel good... I want Daisy," Katie slurred, lazily searching the room for her partner.

The 'tethering' procedure was as wildly unsuccessful as one could imagine. Sadie's homemade suture kit - a sharpened metal knitting needle and fishing line - only managed to pierce through Katie's large intestine. Bile and stool seeped into her abdomen, eventually finding their way into her bloodstream. The coroner estimated she died two days later of septic shock.

A thin beam of light eclipsed the drawn curtains and rested on Sadie's face as dawn broke. Her hand moved softly to caress Katie's hand; a stiff claw lay in her wake. An overwhelming panic flooded Sadie's system as she attempted to wake the other girl from her 'deep' slumber. Half-lidded blood-red eyes stared back at Sadie, a trickle of dried blood pooled at her temple. Sadie's heart shattered like a golden locket as she cradled the limp body in her arms, pulling the skin taut around her suture wounds. The shadow had won. It had succeeded in snuffing out what was left of the light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What happened to Sadie in the end?" Axel asked, taking a minute amount of sadistic glee from the story.

Izzy turned to face the young man. A single tear crept down her cheek as she fiddled with her rings. "She refused to live without Katie. She starved to death, all the while she left Katie's decomposing corpse attached to her hip like a growth."

Izzy wiped the tear from her eye, suppressing sniffles as Axel glanced around the room.

"Hmm...Alright. Who's next then?"

[pinkpeonyprincessblog]

My Heroes

-Ester-

“Are you sure you want to do this?" Shawn asked, looking down the snow covered mountain and back at me. He looked petrified. Something which I found hilarious considering he regularly went into dangerous situations, putting his own life at risk to help others. He was an Emergency Response Doctor and worked both in the hospital and out in the field, quite often in highly dangerous and ‘touch and go’ situations.

The other guys laughed at his uncertainty. “We'll be fine Shawn,” Connor, one of my brother’s friends, and a fellow doctor spoke.  They had all taken me for a ski getaway for an early birthday present.They all work as doctors, Connor in PEDs, Dave in Orthopedics and Brian as a heart surgeon.

“We’ve done this route about ten times already,” Brian added.

"Yeah, you have,” My brother spoke, emphasising the fact that he had not be present on previous occasions.

"Just shut up!" I commanded, sighing. "I'm going. Who's with me?" I asked, a smile starting at the thought of the thrill we were all about to get.

A chorus "yeahs" and "hell yeahs" returned, and then we were off. All racing one another down the mountain. I couldn't see the others, who must have been a few metres behind me, but I knew they were there, and desperately wanted to turn to try and catch a glimpse of Shawn making his way down the mountain.

The wind was exhilarating! So fresh, and clean compared to life back in the city. I found my mind wondering slightly as I made my way further down the track, having already down it several times, I didn't feel like I needed to be as cautious. Boy was I wrong!

I was making my way around what I thought to be the final bend in the course, when I was faced with a massive pile of freshly placed snow. They had changed the course trajectory, and there was nothing I could do about it now. Rocketing as I was towards the freezing wall.

My body hit it with such force that the air was literally knocked out of me for a few seconds, but worse than that was the fact that my left leg went one way, and the rest of my body, the other, I heard the snap, before the pain consumed me. The next few minutes were a blur of fear and agony. I was too cold, and in too much shock and pain to even cry out for help, so when Connor finally came to a skidding holt beside me I was a blubbering mess.

"Ester, can you hear me honey?" he asked, taking my hand and pinching my thumb to try and elicit some sort of response. He let go when I groaned,just wanting him to make the pain go away. Not to cause more. And where was my brother? I was a barely twenty year old, stuck on a snow covered mountain, on my birthday severely injured. I needed Shawn.

Within a matter of minutes there were more hands on me, a flurry of activity and noise that I could hardly decipher. "What the hell happend?" Someone asked, Dave I think.

"I'm not entirely sure, but I came round the corner, and she was here, I haven't started vitals yet, but she did respond to pain stimuli which is a start." I could feel myself teetering on the edge as the two doctors spoke, but I wasn't going to give in. I didn't want to be unconscious in the middle of nowhere as my brother and his friends worked on me. Reaching my hand up I tried to feel for one of their hands, but when I felt nothing I began to get frustrated.

"Ester, can you hear me honey?" The same voice from before spoke. Definitely Dave. This was confirmed when I managed to open my eyes and found him smiling grimly back at me.

In that moment my head wasn't straight and before I'd even processed what my body was doing, I was moving. As I tried and failed to sit up, ignoring the intense pain that was coming from my shoulder and pelvic area, I managed to catch a glimpse of the ground surrounding the lower part of my body. It was red, red as if someone had obtained a can of red paint and discarded it carelessly into the snow. Shock took over as I realised the source of the vibrant liquid. Me. I suddenly felt very faint, and could feel my chest tightening.

"Ester, honey, you have to stay still. I'm pretty sure judging by the angle of your arm that your shoulder is dislocated. You'll only hurt yourself more. Let us look after you okay. Let us do our jobs." Connor half chastised, half begged me as he helped me to situate myself again.

"My leg, there so much blood!" I gasped feeling quezy at the sight of my mangelled limb.

"Sweets, don't watch okay, it'll just make it worse, you have to try and stay still okay? We don't know how much damage you've done until we can get you to the hospital." Connor explained grabbing my hand again in comfort.

I lay there not really aware of what was going on around me just wishing I could be anywhere but here. "Ester, baby?" Finally I broke out of my state and came to reality.

"Shawn?" I whispered, making eye contact with him as he lent over me.

"I'm right here, bug, I've got you. I'm going to unzip this jacket for a minute okay sweets, we need to see what other injuries you have." he explained, before carefully but quickly removing my only source of warmth, immediately earning a moan of protest.

"Shhhh, Just a minute okay, then we'll get you extra rugged up okay?" Brian spoke for the first time, removing the bag he had been carrying from his back and starting to remove blankets.

I had laughed at him earlier in the morning, remarking that it was as if he was going for a camp out in the snow, not for a mere ride on the trails, but now I couldn't help but feel extremely greatful.

"Right, Princess, you're  breathing way too fast at the moment. I know you're in pain, and you're probably scared. But I need you to try and slow it down." Brian spoke as he moved the last layer of clothing covering my stomach. There was no disguising the sharp intake of breath as he surveyed my mid-section. Everyone was silent for a minute as Brian examined me ever so gently. The others watching his every move. I couldn't help but feel slightly like a bug under a microscope, especially given the crowd that had started to form. It felt like every two minutes someone new was asking the guys if they had called for an ambulance. The answer to which each of them took in turns to patiently answer with a "yes", reassuring the by-standers that they were doctors, and knew what they were dealing with.

"Connor, I can't be sure, but I think she's got some broken ribs, her breathing is inhibited, and she's got some serious bruising forming, her left shoulder is well and truly dislocated too." Dave finally spoke, agreeing with Connor's theory, before starting to readjust my clothing, protecting me from the bitter cold.

" It's possible that it's internal bleeding or a bruised spleen." Brian put in as they all shared a little glance above my head.

I couldn't help the groan that left my mouth as this new information sunk in. They thought I was bleeding from the inside out?

"Ester, I need you to tell me where it hurts honey," Shawn spoke, holding my hand in silent comfort. When I didn't respond Connor took my hand and pinched my finger once again.

"Ow!" I glared up at him, earning a smile.

"Good to see the princess is still as feisty as ever!" This caused everyone to laugh. Even me, but the fun was short-lived, as my body was once again bathed in pain.

"Make it stop!" I begged, squirming around uncomfortably.

"Just stay still baby." Shawn tried to sooth me while also trying to help Dave.

"But it hurts and I'm cold." my teeth chartered as if agreeing with what I just said.

"I know you are princess," Brian spoke softly.  I sighed before starting to close my eyes.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  "Hey, follow my finger okay," he called, trying to get my attention. Begrudgingly I opened my eyes again, and was met by glare that immediately made me squint. I did as asked though, before I heard him answer a question I hadn't heard be asked.

"Definate concussion, pupils unequal and slow to respond, though it's hard to tell the full extent here without the proper equipment. Keep her talking Shawn."  Brian muttered, moving around my body to help Dave with whatever he was doing.

"Wow," I heard him let out a low whistle, my heart rate spiking in response.

"Brian!" Dave groaned,  seeing the panic that had begun to set in.  "Would you keep it down.  The poor kid's heart is already racing,  and you're not making it any better.  You're terrifying her," he spoke.  Stopping whatever he was doing to look up.  "Ester, can you feel this honey?" he asked, before I felt an odd sensation on my foot. Nonetheless I could feel it,  so I nodded causing all four of the doctors to such in relief.

"That's good news Princess.  It means your leg isn't as bad as we first thought! " Connor looked much more excited than I felt, but I smiled back as convincingly as I could in my haze. I tuned out for a few minutes, but soon what they were saying caught my attention. Well some of it. Something about having to "apply pressure to my leg" to stop the bleeding, and sedation. That was all it took before I started to panic again.

"Just take nice deep, slow breathes Princess, you can do it, here give me your hand, " Shawn spoke, noticing my obvious terror and changed breathing. I couldn't believe how calm he was as he took my hand gently in his own again , and laid it against his chest. "Copy me. In, out, in out, that's it," he praised as I finally managed to follow his lead. "They won't hurt you bug." I wasn't sure I trusted him,  but the sincerity and intensity with which he met my gaze won me over.

"Oh-okay," I spoke in barely a whisper. My head was starting to hurt from the noise.  The crowd, the guys conversing with one another.  "But my leg," I whimpered as another round of panic hit me.

"Look at me bug," Shawn commanded,leaning over me, blocking out the surrounding crowd that had previously filled my peripheral vision.  "I won't let them hurt you. Hell, they'd rather die than hurt you.  We're not going to do anything until help gets here okay? We can't, it wouldn't be safe." he added as if to try and make his point even clearer.

-Shawn-

10 minutes later

As I stood waiting for the stupid satellite phone we had been given by the service people at the bottom of the run, I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing. There was my baby sister, who was meant to be celebrating her 20th birthday, laying in the snow, half- conscious with a flood of blood coming from a gash on  her left leg along with what looked like a probable fibia fracture, another open wound on her head,  and bruises so bad after only a few minutes that she looked more like a blueberry and less like a person.

Finally the phone connected and I was put through to the Emergency Department. This is doctor Shawn Mendes  head of Emergency Response. We have an incoming pediatric trauma with an eta of 45 minutes possibly an hour."

After going though the motions all the while being consumed with worry and guilt,  I made my way back over to Ester. Connor who had taken over comforting her for me, looked up, his expression bleak, and somewhat pained.

"It's not great mate, Brian's pretty sure she's got air in her lungs, and she's about to pass out."

I felt my own heart rate rise as I took in my sister's form. Shaking my head slightly to try and clear my mind I nodded "Helicopter is about 2 minutes out. The hospital just got a GPS location on it."

"Ester look at me," I called moving to lean over her again so she could see me without moving. "I need you to stay awake okay? Can you do that honey?"

She made the smallest noise to indicate "yes", before going quiet again.  Whether it was the shock or she was simply in so much pain she didn't know how to process it, the silence was concerning, and as a doctor, my biggest concern was to keep her talking.

"Tell me what else hurts okay," Connor chimed in, seeing what I was trying to do, and that I may need some help.

"My other knee, and like it's kinda going down into my private area." She blushed at having to tell four males, and basically a crowd of strangers this piece of information.

"Just there? Or the whole area?" Dave called from down by her leg.

"Whole area," she whispered clearly terrified.

"Okay,I can't really see a whole lot with all these layers in the way, but when the help arrives we'll take a look," he explained moving up towards her head slightly so he could talk to her more easily.

"No don't touch it! Dave! Please!" she begged hysterically, tears once again running down her face. He was quick to notice the change in her demenor, and acted quickly to try and calm the situation again.

"I'm not going to hurt you honey, but I need to have a look so we can assess how bad your injuries are." The look of pity and sympathy on his face was one I saw was shared with the two other guys as I looked to each of them.

The pain she was describing was consistent with sciatic pain.  If what we were all thinking was correct,  then she was doing a great job at hiding her discomfort.

We all shared a knowing look. On the one hand it was good that she could feel her legs and pelvic area.  But sciatic pain was excruciating at the best of times, and now was not that.

We spent the remaining time trying to keep her calm, and alert.  Both of which were proving difficult, especially as the initial shock wore off and the gravity of the situation she was set in. This was compounded when she somehow overheard Brian and Dave discussing the fact that they would need to remove the clothing on the bottom half of her body to stem the bleeding and stabilise her legs.

"No please!" She begged again, it was clear from the way her voice shook as she spoke that not only was she done,  but she was terrified. But she couldn't give up yet, she needed to fight. We needed her to fight, it was proven that patients who believed in their recovery were much more likely to live a full life after experiencing trauma. I sat next to her for a minute trying not to cry myself, as I watched Connor try to calm her. Then it came to me.

"Sweetheart listen to me," I spoke looking her right in the eye. "Right now the most important thing is that we get you to the hospital  in the most stable condition possible.  We think you've got a fractured fibia,  and you definitely have a dislocated knee and potential ciatic damage. Trust me when I say the least of your problems is being slightly exposed in front of your brother and his friends. We're all doctors. We've seen it all before princess. Nothing's going to happen,”I promised.

"But what if they can't fix me?" she whispered so quietly that I almost didn't catch it. I was slightly taken aback by the question. Luckily Brian had stood moments before reaching for the pocket knife that he always kept in his backpack when she voiced the fear, and so he was the one to answer.

"You listen to me Poppet," he started in a gentle yet commanding voice.  "You're going to be just fine. You've got four of the best doctors in the area working on you right now."

"Im just scared," she responded, small tears rolling down her face and mixing with the blood that had started to dry from the laceration on her head.

"Ester your brother here is the head of the Emergency Response team, Connor's the head of PEDs, Dave's the head of Ortho and I'm of the Cardiovascular Department.  You are completely safe okay. I know it may not seen like it right now, but you will be okay." His tone softened slighty when he saw that she seemed to be taking on board what he was saying. "You're doing great Poppet," he added, gently stroking the side of her face, as she looked up at him.

"Tell me everything?" she asked some uncertainty still evident from the way she was gripping my hand like a vice.

" Of course, Princess you're in charge!" he agreed before saluting her jokingly. This seemed to lift her spirits a bit, as a small smile graced her face. " I'll even make you a deal. You let us do what we need to do and I'll make sure you have all the chocolate you can eat when you're discharged."

"Thanks Bri," I whispered when she wasn't paying attention. 

" Don't sweat it! Just doing my bit.”

Third person

5 minutes later

None of the four young doctors could admit it, but they were all beyond relieved when the helicopter landed, and two paramedics stepped out, bringing with them all the gear they might need. “Who do we have here?” One of them asked as he knelt next to Ester.

“This is Ester, she’s my little sister. Twenty. We're not exactly sure what happened, but basically blunt trauma.” Shawn filled the new medics in as the three other doctors went about unpacking the several bags of medical supplies, getting ready to begin more in-depth observations and stabilisation before transfer to the hospital. “We've started some basic observations, but we were limited till you got here.Possible bruised spleen, broken ribs and collapsed lung with bruising, severe concussion, dislocated left shoulder, air in chest cavity. Possible spinal, elevated hr 135, increased breath sounds, unequal, left side diminished somewhat, deep laceration to the left leg, and severe fracture to the fibia, lacerations on the face, abdominal/thoracic, dislocated right knee and suspected sciatic nerve damage.”

As Shawn rattled off the long list of injuries that they had found just from the initial observations the gravity of the situation started to hit him and he found himself having to actively calm himself so that he was able to concentrate on helping his sister. He felt like a duck, sailing smoothly on top of the pond, and paddling furiously underneath. Luckily for him his friends were better at keeping their emotions in check than he was… at least in this situation.

Brian wasted no time,taking a stethoscope that one of the paramedics handed him and listening to Ester’s chest. “Yep, there’s definitely a collapsed lung. I can hear the air. I’m going to need to put a tube in.” he grimaced as he stepped back, allowing Shawn, who had come to a little more when the other medic had handed him the penlight he had been using and asked him to check that he was correct.

"Pupils are fixed and dialated, we need to get her off this mountain now. Someone hand me a knife and Connor, can you get a line in mate? Standard of saline and pain meds please."

"Princess can I have you're hand. I'm going to give you some stuff to make you a bit more comfortable," Connor explained as he went about gathering the necessary equipment, before locating a vein and cleaning the area. " Sharp scratch bubs," he warned before the metal broke the skin, causing her eyes to water slightly. " All done, you should start to feel a little more comfy in a minute," he smiled encouragingly as Ester lifted her hand and gave a thumbs up before taking his hand in hers.

"Ester we need to remove these pants so we can stop the bleeding and splint your knee and leg," Shawn spoke earning a groan.   "I know lovely," he agreed, feeling sorry for his sister.  It had to be humiliating to be exposed like this. "You're okay sweets," he added as she cried out when the doctors moved her limbs into place to gain better access to the effected areas.

" Here, can you suck on this for me?" he asked as he handed her the green whistle, a device that held pain medication, and often sent patients a little loopy. "It only works if you keep using it honey. Focus on breathing it in okay," Shawm spoke trying to keep his sister's attention anywhere but Dave and her legs.

"This is going to hurt like hell,"  Dave whispered. As he moved around to help Shawn start to maneuver her right leg. "Look at the knee cap. She's really done a number on herself."

"I know feel horrible. I'm her brother. I don't want to see her like this," Shawn knew he wasn't technically meant to be treating her, but right now it was exactly that,a technicality. He would be damned if he would let his sister suffer. 

It was only a matter of seconds before she was begging them to stop, but they all knew that it would be more painful to stop the process half way through so continued despite the increasingly desperate sobs of their patient."Ester listen to the sound of my voice Princess," Brian spoke when they had finished, both legs satisfactorily taken care of for the time being.

Once he had gotten her a little more calm he broke the next lot of bad news.

"I need to put a chest tube in, and I need you to be brave okay."

"No," she answered immediately trying to shake her head that was now restricted by a spinal collar.

" Listen to me," he continued, " Right now your lung has a hole in it, and air is building up in the wrong spot and stopping it from inflating properly."

No more was said as they all went about numbing her up,  but once the first incision was made they felt terrible.  None of them could understand how someone that was in so much pain hadn't passed out. Ordinarily they would have put her under, but with unknown injuries it was far from safe.

" And we've got it, " Connor spoke as he checked for breath sounds.

From there everything was much more smooth sailing. They finished hooking her up to the necessary equipment- blood pressure (low at 90/50),  heart rate 160 beats per minute, oximeter and oxygen. 

When they were finally ready to leave the surrounding crowd clapped for them, and yelled out well wishes for Ester,  though she didn't hear many as she was now so loopy from the green whistle that she was trying to tell Connor that she loved the way the sunlight lit his hair, and that he should think about going into modelling. When they all started laughing she looked around very indignantly (well as best as she could)  and told them to ' not even talk' which only caused them to laugh harder.

- 35 minutes later-

They arrived at the hospital and the whole process was started again.  CT scans, x-rays, ultrasounds and surgery the list went on.

"I honestly don't know how she didn't pass out." Brian sighed as he and Connor stood just outside the door to the room in the intensive care unit she had been assigned.

" Shock," Connor answered.

The conversation was cut short however when they heard her voice " No, just leave me alone!"

"But Ester, I need to check your obs. I need to make sure your temp has come up," Dave tried to reason as he and Shawn stood beside the bed looking dismayed. "You've done so well so far!"

-Ester-

There was so much going on, that even now in my own room, nurses were in and out of my room, doctors trying to ask questions, I couldn't catch a break, I hadn't even been able to pass out. What a way to spend your birthday.  As if on cue, Dave walked in, my chart in hand.

"No," I cried, "just let me sleep!"

"What's going on?" I heard Connor ask as he came to stand by my bed with Shawn (who hadn't left my side) and Dave.

" She won't let me do her obs,"  Dave sighed causing me to glare.

" I just want to sleep!"

"Come here bug, Shawn spoke opening his arms wide, knowing that above anything else I needed love.

"Can Dave finish checking your vitals now?"

"Fine." I conceded snuggling in to Shawn's side. Feeling the most comfortable I had all day. Little did I know, but that was the start of a very long recovery  One that had ups and downs. No matter how down hearted I got though the guys never gave up. They were my heroes, and I made sure to tell them  After Brian had gotten me my chocolate as he promised of course.

[lindoig8]

The Camel Trek

Wednesday, 28 April – Day 1 of our Camel Trek

We were out at the front gate waiting to be collected at 7am, but it was 7.45 before Max, our chief scientist, came to pick us up. He was the Expedition Leader and everyone met in the middle of town to be introduced and to board a 4WD ‘bus’ to take us out to Base Camp. It was about 325 kilometres and took about 5 hours, including a stop for lunch halfway out. There were 11 of us in the group, including 2 extras who were sponsored – a photographer and a travel magazine editor. There should have been 3 more coming from Perth, but the sudden 3-day Covid lockdown there prevented them from coming.

Base Camp was (obviously) in the bush and there were quite a few people out there – staff and volunteers who had been setting up and ‘warming up’ the camels that had not been worked for at least 18 months. There was a big truck loaded with food and all sorts of other gear and the area was littered with stores and equipment for the rest of the 21-week season. The camels were already there of course – 18 of them, all bullocks, 3 of them new to the team and 2 others that had been hauled out of retirement to work again this season. They are wonderful big animals, quite gentle most of the time, but somewhat prone to panic if they are frightened.

We had a hot meal for dinner and everyone chatted with everyone else, staff, cameleers, volunteers and tourists alike. It was all quite comfortable and pleasant, albeit sometimes a little confusing because we didn’t know what to expect. We were each issued with our swags and shown how to set them up: also our toilet bag with instructions about that. I found everyone surprisingly relaxed about the potentially sensitive or embarrassing issue of toileting in the immediate bush, and even when I encountered one of our party in a serious state of undress while I was collecting firewood, she was seemingly unperturbed. Just all very natural and with little discomfort on anyone’s behalf.

We distributed ourselves around the periphery of the camp, maybe about 50 metres or so out and set up our swags and we all went to bed quite early in the knowledge that breakfast was at 6am next morning. The swags are heavy and difficult to set up and dismantle, but they were really very comfortable and most people reported that they slept pretty well.

Thursday – Day 2 and the start of our walk

After a breakfast of cereal and muesli, we were introduced to the camels when they lined up to be saddled and loaded. It is a very elaborate rigamarole and I could devote pages to the camels, their handlers and the process overall, but maybe that is not of much interest – although we found it all quite fascinating. Being the first official day of the season and the first time the camels had been fully laden, the staff were in no hurry. The camels learn a routine and any deviations are likely to create problems, especially at the beginning of the season with unacclimated camels. It took over 3 hours before we were all ready to start walking and with nowhere to sit, we were all glad to be walking after standing around watching for so long.

The 4WD bus took many of the volunteers back to Alice Springs at 8am so that just left the 11 trekkers and 11 staff and scientists in camp.

We only walked about 4 kilometres that day, although everyone obviously walked quite a bit more in diversions along the way. The camels were stopped several times to adjust their loads or for other reasons and we all stopped for lunch again (wraps with a huge variety of vegetarian fillings and condiments). The camels need to stop periodically because they can’t urinate while working, but they stopped for other reasons as well. The staff build a fire and make tea and coffee each mealtime so that adds to the time it takes to get from Point A to Point B, but it was quite an interesting walk anyway. There were few birds (although I saw both male and female Yellow Chats next day – lifers for us!), but enough to keep me interested – and lots of unaccustomed trees and plants to inspect as well.

We made camp around 3pm and we all set up our swags (all closer to camp this time) and helped (a little) with the unloading. There was always the promise that we could help with things but in practice, the cameleers had things down to such a fine art that we had little to do. We were allowed to hold the ropes on the camels sometimes, but that was just to discourage them from wandering away – wonderful beasts and so patient and gentle – it is hard to see them as wild feral animals. Being close to them has certainly made me view them in a very different light.

I thought the science in the process was at risk of being lost because the crew seemed intent on making it easy for the tourists. We had a botanist with us who was focussed on his work – and who took Heather under his wing a little because they both ‘spoke the same language’. We helped set up a string of Elliott traps in the hope of capturing some little rodents or reptiles – but they were all unfortunately unoccupied next morning. I appreciate that, as eco-tourists, we were funding the research, but I assumed the research would have been more visible and that we would have been able to contribute to it. In some respects, we were given a higher priority than I expected and I would have been completely happy to have had more attention given to their surveys and less to looking after we hangers-on. Given the opportunity, I will draw attention to that as general feedback to the company.

We had another hot meal at night – a mammoth feed if anyone could have managed it – a main course and dessert with tea and coffee. Of course, before the meal was ready, we all sat around the campfire and enjoyed a port – served in a delicate jug, topped up from a 20-litre jerrycan!!! The port jerrycan was yellow to distinguish it from the diesel and water jerrycans.

We all enjoyed the fire, but it had been a hot and taxing day and we all headed for our respective toilet bushes and swags quite soon after dinner. There had been a spectacular sunset over a wide, completely horizontal horizon, soon followed by a spectacular rising full moon (just a few hours past the so-called Pink Moon moment) and everyone went out like lights pretty quickly.

Friday – Day 3 and a bit of a disaster

The camels were loaded a little more quickly on the second day but they were still a bit unused to the routine and a couple were a tad stroppy so it still took more than 2 hours to get ready to leave camp. We had been able to help a little more and got close to the camels and patted them – they really are magnificent beasts, soft and gentle and ever so patient. It was a real privilege to spend time so close to them.

It was pretty slow going with the walkers well out ahead of the camels (that is where the handlers wanted us) but the camels had to stop several times and we were left out in the sun while the camels were quietened and saddles readjusted, etc. I was only about 40-50 metres away from the A-string when one of them got spooked when its load slipped and it went berserk. It was quite scary because when it started bucking and running out of line, it started panicking some of the others too and its saddle and load slipped under its bely and between its legs when it was rearing and running amok – and of course, it injured itself. It was not badly hurt, but its hind legs were quite severely scraped from its saddle and load so they gave it the rest of the day off. They left its damaged saddle and load out in the desert and allowed it to just tag along at the rear of the string but at one stage it was running wild and ended up spooking some of the B-string as well. It took well over an hour to rearrange the loads and settle both strings down and it was very hot waiting in the scorching sun while this happened. I went birding in the nearby scrub but the rest of the trekkers just tried to find a tiny bit of shade under a bush to wait it out.

We walked for another hour or two before we stopped for lunch and everyone was pretty hot and bothered by then.

It was a very hot day, particularly so immediately after lunch, and one of the trekkers who had a thermometer said it was 41 degrees where we were walking and 36 in the shade. We had walked about 10-11 kilometres on the day when Heather succumbed to heatstroke. She ‘hit the wall’ early after lunch and they called the medic to tend her. I was off on my own at the time and as soon as I heard, I ran back to her and stayed with her for the rest of the day. The medic was wonderful: very solicitous and caring. He helped cool her down (poured numerous bottles of water over her) and did several blood pressure and pulse checks but it was clear to me (all of us) that she wasn’t going to be able to continue.

Because of the heat, Max intended to call an early stop for the day so he did so virtually straight away. They made camp in a suitable place just a few hundred metres further along and when Heather was up to it, the medic and I helped her into camp where she had to lie down in some very meagre shade and received lots more attention from most people in the party.

By sheer good luck, Andrew (co-leader and chief cameleer) had cached a 4WD near where we had lunch and he had driven back to retrieve the jettisoned saddle and related gear to be used next day. He was returning to Alice Springs that night to restock some items so when he returned, we asked if we could go back with him. He agreed (of course) and it was a good job he did because the next 2 days trek were as hot or hotter and over slightly more difficult terrain – so maybe neither of us would have made it. Max was obviously aware of the challenge and called at least the next day a half-day only, and possibly the fourth day too.

It took over 5 hours to do the 330-odd kilometres back to Alice Springs and by then, Heather had recovered quite a bit, but we just rolled into bed as soon as we could after reaching the caravan – and have had a few very quiet days resting since. Our sleeping bags and some other gear had been rolled into our swags in the desert so they were delivered to us to retrieve our things next day, and another team member collected them from us a bit later.

We were very disappointed that we had to pull out of the trek, but in retrospect, we are certain that we did the right thing and felt that we had really enjoyed the experience of the desert and the camels and maybe the rest of the trip would have been something of a repeat of what we had enjoyed. It certainly was a fantastic, unique experience that we will remember for life and we have since been contacted by some of our fellow-trekkers to see how Heather is going.

[readyplayerhobi]

Storm Bringer | 01

; Drakken Rider!Taehyung x Drakken Rider!Reader

; Genre: Fantasy, fluff, future smut

; Warnings: Violence

; Word Count: 5.8k

; Synopsis: Drakken riders are the pride of Falrayne and you take pride in your place as a protector of your homeland. But what happens when you meet a drakken rider you never expected from another nation?

; A/N: I split this in two so there will be a second part. I felt this was a good place to end this part but who knows! Please let me know what you think by commenting, reblogging or sending an ask! I’m not sure if it’s actually like...good because it’s more world building stuff than usual and yeah.

-

The autumn night is quiet around you, the air calm and still as you watch out over the wall towards the dark forest that looms hundreds of metres away. A cool wind, pleasant after the unusually warm day, blows through the tall trees that have stood careful watch for centuries.

It’s so loud that you can hear the rustling of the leaves even from here on the tall, stone wall that has surrounded and protected the ancient city and castle of Drakanis for over five centuries. The sky itself is clear without a hint of cloud to block your vision, the pale face of the moon shining brightly while far off stars twinkle softly against the vast expanse of nothing.

Leaning over the edge of the grey, worn stone, you peer down at the inky blackness of the still water of the moat that surrounds the whole city. From this direction, the only thing visible is the moon kissed gentle meadow that butts up to the wild Rikara forest. In the daytime, you would be able to see the white capped peaks of the Ikana mountains far off in the distance.

Still, despite how calm the night seems, you shake your limbs slowly while rolling your head to stretch out the muscles. You’re tense tonight, and you don’t know why. Nothing has happened on the boundaries of Drakanis for over a moon now, and you’re worried that it means something is going to happen.

A calm before the storm.

Running your fingers over your arm, you try to comfort yourself quietly. The space in front of you is quiet, but the city of Drakanis is alight with folk enjoying their evening. Most don’t even remember that people like you exist, which is good you suppose.

It means that you’re doing your job well.

The flickering flames of the nearby torch sat in a sconce on the wall of the watchtower lights up the walkway upon which you stand, causing your armour to glint in the gentle light.

Due to your status, your armour is far more flexible and forgiving than that of the foot soldiers. Fine black titanitus ring mail protects your chest and stomach, sitting on top of supple and well worn black leather under which a soft cotton shirt helps to provide warmth while also preventing chafing. The same leather makes up your trousers while knee high boots adorn your feet and calves.

Your armour is light and fast. In comparison, the normal armour of a foot soldier is a full suit of mail, heavy and cumbersome. Titanitus was far too rare and expensive to waste on a whole army of what were often deemed expendable soldiers in war. But drakken riders were a different species altogether.

You needed to be fast and quick on your feet, able to slash and hack with the razor sharp titanitus daggers that were sheathed at your hips. Years upon years of training meant that the bow and quiver of arrows at your back could be drawn and fired quickly.

But the most important reason is because of the colourful tattoo that wraps around your left arm like a mother’s embrace. Everyone knows what that tattoo is; what it means. Every drakken rider has one, each different and unique but all taking pride of place on their arm.

For it is not a tattoo at all, but your drakken. To most onlookers, it was just a pretty picture inked into your skin that never moved. But it wasn’t.

Drakken were living creatures; creatures of great size and power, ferocious and fierce. A rider’s drakken appeared when they turned ten, slithering up their arm before settling in for the rest of the rider’s life. The only way they lost their drakken was through death. 

The rider’s death, that is, for drakken themselves are immortal.

And that is because drakken are a physical manifestation of their rider’s soul, allowing them to wield their inner power in a physical form for their own protection. Upon the rider’s death their soul was released and reborn, and ten years later their drakken would return once more. 

For millennia, drakken riders have formed an integral part of the defence of the kingdom of Falrayne. Drakanis itself was named after the legendary creatures as it is rumoured that the land this city sits upon was the first time riders discovered drakken. They were now common in every kingdom of course, but it was well known that the drakken riders of Falrayne are amongst the best.

Or maybe that was just your patriotism talking, given that you were a member of the Falrani Royal Guardians. This year had seen you assigned to protecting the walls from any potential danger, which usually meant it was a pretty boring job in reality.

The only real action border guards got were the occasional brave raiders who sought to pillage the outer buildings of the city. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the closer to the centre of Drakanis one got, and therefore the castle, the richer the land and its occupants. This far out, only soldiers and the poor made their living.

Which meant raiders either had a good time, or a very bad time.

But they've been silent lately. Commander Min, the leader of your regiment, was convinced that it was a sign that the ranger force he had put together in recent years was finally working. Park Jimin, a close friend of yours, was a ranger and their jobs were to scout out the land surrounding Drakanis and sabotage any raider camps they came across.

You weren’t so sure though.

“Quiet tonight.” A soft voice speaks out, causing you to spin around on alert immediately. Jungkook is lucky, you think to yourself as you pause just before the razor edge of your dagger slices into his soft, vulnerable throat. He simply stands there though, dark brow raised over his crimson eyes and not a hint of fear on him.

“I could’ve killed you.” You mutter to yourself, lowering the knife before sheathing it once again. The older man snorts, rolling his eyes before leaning against the rough wall and peering out at the dense darkness of the forest.

“That would mean you’ve had poor training. The very fact I snuck up on you is bad enough.” Sneering at him, you gesture rudely to him before turning back to the expanse of land beyond. Jungkook could be nice and sweet when he wanted to be, but he was just as often a stuck up asshole. Jimin was convinced it was because his drakken spoke fire, but that just usually meant they were volatile or exceptionally passionate about their interests like Commander Min.

No, the fire drakken rider shared more personality traits with the cooler ice drakken’s. Or maybe he was just an asshole sometimes, who knows? He was a competent rider though, so you would never bitch too much about him.

And he was truly sweet sometimes. It made it easier to forgive his grumpy moments.

“I acknowledge my failings there. I was...distracted. It is quiet. And I don’t like it.” You mumble to yourself, resting an elbow against the rounded top and scanning carefully. Jungkook doesn’t respond for a moment before sighing.

“I agree. I don’t believe Commander Min’s words, as much as it pains me to go against him. The ranger’s have been operating for years now and yet the raiders don’t seem to care. They just reorganise easily and come back. No...something’s going on. Inferno isn’t happy either, he’s...antsy. Especially with the delegation from Ixilos here. This is prime time to raid, our attention is split and most of our riders aren’t even here right now.” Concern laces his voice and you find yourself nodding without even realising.

“My drakken shares your concerns.” King Seokjin from the neighbouring kingdom of Ixilos had arrived yesterday for the month long trade negotiations with Queen Siyeon and he had brought his own regiment of soldiers with three accompanying drakken riders. It meant that Drakanis was focused on the protection of the foreign royal and so a skeleton crew had been left on the city walls.

Particularly given how quiet it had been lately. But that was a mistake, you could just tell.

“Has Hoseok seen anythin-” You’re cut off from asking your question, wondering if your fellow rider on the other side of Drakanis has seen anything. Jungkook moves between everyone to get reports and pass on information, but the sound of a horn blaring from the forest gets both of your attention immediately.

“That’s a ranger.” Jungkook states, the sound of the horn long and loud. It blares for a few seconds before fading away and the both of you stand, tense as you watch a flock of birds rise from the trees in surprise.

One horn for a warning.

Second horn for help.

Nothing sounds afterwards, and you both look at each other warily. Were you both right? Was there going to be an attack and a ranger in the forest had found something? Neither of you moved as you hadn’t been called to help so far; your defence would potentially only be needed here on the wall.

“Maybe they just found some-” A second horn wails into the night, the sound long and low before rising to a high pitch at the end. Someone calling for help from the riders. Someone who’s life is on the line.

“Go. Now. I’ll find someone to help you, both of us can’t leave this part undefended.” Jungkook hand presses against the small of your back, pushing you towards the edge of the wall. Your weapons clank as you climb onto the flat expanse of stone and stand steadily for a moment.

The dark water stirs below as a fish jumps upwards, landing back with a soft plop and the wind whispers as it caresses your face, the slight force of it causing your body to shift as you rebalance yourself. Looking down at Jungkook, you nod firmly.

“I’m sure you’ll see when we find them. Be fast about it.” His head tilts towards you before a hand presses to the flesh of his left arm, chin bowing down.

“Ride fast and true.” The words are said to every drakken rider when they depart on a mission. They were also the words spoken to those who were dying; the culture of drakken riders believing that the drakken transported their souls to their next bodies. A rider never stopped riding, even if they didn’t know it.

You don’t respond to him verbally, simply bowing your head back before stepping off the edge of the wall. For a few seconds there is simply nothing as you free fall past the ancient walls, eyeing the water that fast approaches with a measured eye.

The imposing walls of Drakanis are twenty metres high from the ground up, but it takes only seconds to reach the bottom.

Only mere metres before the bottom, your arm burns violently for a second before the air crackles and shimmers with heat and electricity. A blinding flash erupts and lights the area surrounding you until you would swear it was daylight once more and not the middle of the night.

Solid flesh fills the gap between your thighs and your hands automatically move to rest on the strategically placed horns on your drakken’s neck. Feet slide against the rigid scales that form almost a stirrup to keep you in place and the wind stops rushing against your face as you lower it behind her thick, muscled neck.

There’s a brief moment of stillness before great and powerful wings beat furiously and you begin to rise back up at a rapid pace. Water sprays violently into the air as you do so, bitterly cold where it touches your bare skin, but you’re both climbing back into the air quickly. Each smooth movement of your drakken’s wings takes you further from the castle, her body working like a finely tuned machine beneath you.

She feels strong and warm against the cool air surrounding you, her impenetrable scales rough beneath your fingers as you run your hand along her shoulder. Drakken are enormous beasts, and you make a tiny figure atop her.

Stormbringer came to you on your birthday in the midst of a giant electrical storm that had raged for days, wrapping her way around your wrist tightly as lightning had hit the ground furiously. She had whispered her name to you once settled and everyone had agreed that they had never heard a more apt name.

Her scales were black with a violet shimmer, the colour shifting between various shades of purple before lightening to a pale lilac on her stomach that mixed with silver. In the daylight she was beautiful, in the night time she was made a terrifying sight.

She was storm borne flesh, and you shivered with the power you felt within her.

A wingspan of ten metres and a wickedly long tail that was spiked every few inches, combined together beautifully with her glinting ebony talons and razor sharp pearl teeth to make her a formidable beast. It was easy to see why drakken riders most often chose to give themselves in service to their country, for power like that of your drakken would be wasted anywhere else.

“Fly fast Stormbringer, someone needs our help.” You whisper to her, the sound lost in the wind as it whips past your face but she hears anyway. A brief turn of her long head lets you see the amethyst of her eye, pupil slitted before she’s turning back and her wings beat faster to propel you along.

An ear splitting roar leaves her, chest vibrating as she calls out to let the ranger know that you’re coming. A moment later, a flaming arrow flies into the air from the road that bisects the forest in two and you both sweep down to it, wings billowing out wildly as she slows and descends.

Keen eyesight, enhanced by the drakken you ride, lets you see the familiar blonde hair of Jimin and you frown in confusion. Why wasn’t he using his own drakken? Frost Fang was more than capable of protecting him and yet he hadn’t called for him. And for that matter, why hadn’t Frost Fang come to his defence anyway?

A drakken did not need permission to save their rider.

But he was running...or stumbling more like. Falling over himself and wincing as his palms hit the stoney road before scrambling back up. It was then that you realised what was wrong. He was injured, enough to make him limp while running but not injured enough to not allow him to flee instead of fighting.

A ranger was all about stealth, and he evidently thought that he could get away without resorting to his drakken. He wasn’t trained like you were for full scale fighting against multiple enemies, they trained rangers more like assassin’s. One on one in the darkness of the night. 

As far as you knew, rangers mainly used their drakken to move from one place to the other and if they could avoid it, they simply didn’t use them. Jimin was close enough to Drakanis to know that he could simply call for help to take care of his problem and allow him to simply slip away into the night, retreating back home.

You were the muscle here, the deadly hammer to his silent arrow.

The horsemen cantering behind him out of the forest were giving chase, shouting loudly as he ran down the road as fast as he could to Drakanis. He just needed time to get away from them. A distraction. Or a way to eliminate them entirely.

Squeezing your thighs, you direct Stormbringer down. Her wings pull in tight to her body and she drops, your stomach flying as she descends like a comet to the ground before her wings flare open at the last second, creating a terrifying image as the moonlight catches her scales and they see her properly for the first time.

Almost immediately, the horses sense danger and scream in fear, rearing and bucking off their riders desperately before galloping as fast as they could away from the drakken. Some riders don’t even get the chance to land and simply hold on for dear life. 

The raiders were shouting to each other below you, their language foreign to your ears but you don’t need to speak it to know what they’re doing when they pull their weapons and aim them towards you.

“Stormbringer!” You shout over the beating of her wings and she responds immediately, chest expanding as the air around you snaps and crackles while your nose scents metallic on the breeze.

A veil of deadly electricity bursts forth from her menacing jaws, the bolts sizzling as they burst through the air before a boom erupts as it hits the ground. Some bolts are small and thin, arcing off into nothing but the main stream is thick and blindingly white, tinged in purple along the edges. It hits a man straight on and he doesn’t even get a chance to scream, his body burning up almost immediately from the sheer voltage running through him as she continues to attack.

A high pitched noise buzzes past your head and you turn quickly, noting the arrow flying past before turning back to note more have come flooding out of the trees. It’s like four raiding camps have all converged into one and you frown, noting the way their archers immediately take up position with a knee on the ground to steady themselves and arrows stuck in front of them like a strange fence for easy firing.

They could never kill Stormbringer, but they don’t have to kill her. They just have to kill you. No rider, no drakken. 

The voraciously loud crackle and sizzle of energy fizzles out as she pauses to inhale, giving the raiders who had managed to avoid the lightning discharge time to fan out in a more defensive position. It causes you to frown in confusion, wondering why on earth they were being far more bold and boisterous than normal.

The mere appearance of a drakken was usually enough to make them start running, too afraid of death or serious injury to want to take on one. Drakken were simply too big, too powerful and too invulnerable to take on without the backing of an army behind them. Taking you on like this was just...well it was suicide.

Behind you, the horn blares twice again and you twist on top of Stormbringer as you spot Jimin’s form still running far down the road. You were here already, why was he calling for more help? Why was he running so scared? With this many raiders, no one would have condemned him for fleeing on Frost Fang.

You’re so busy pondering over this bizarre situation and trying to avoid the arrows that fly towards you, most of them simply pinging harmlessly off Stormbringer’s scales with a metallic clang, that you don’t notice the air heating up rapidly. Your drakken’s electricity superheats the air anyway, and you figure that she’s just getting ready for another blast at the humans who are attacking her.

But then you realise the air is calm, the hair on your arms isn’t rising and the air doesn’t get that faintly metallic scent that occurs when Stormbringer attacks. She’s roaring for sure, obsidian claws that gleam purple swiping at those closest while her spiked tail flails and impales a man who had tried to sneak up behind.

“What the…” You whisper before cursing softly as one of the men who has just run out of the trees suddenly shimmers, the air around him causing everything to look funny for a moment. Like a mirage on the hot sand dunes of the Marakkian desert. “Oh shit.”

A bright flash of light takes up your vision, causing you to wince and cover your eyes while laying as low to Stormbringer’s neck as you can get. She screeches in displeasure at the sight before her. When you look up, you send a silent thanks to Jimin for carrying on blowing his horn.

Because you’ll need back up for sure.

A drakken on its own is more than capable of fighting hundreds of people, as long as their rider doesn’t get killed. But a one on one drakken fight? The odds aren’t so favourable then.

The roar that erupts out of the enemy drakken is deep, far deeper than your own, and it feels like it reverberates through your very soul. Goosebumps pimple all over your body at the sound and you cringe back on Stormbringer, your hesitance and sudden fear causing her to pause and shift back uncomfortably.

You’d never fought another drakken, not like this. Not in a real fight, where it could mean your death. Falrayne wasn’t at war with anyone, so drakken riders were relegated to simply routing out or preventing raiders. Glorified bodyguards.

But now you’re looking straight into the molten red eyes of an enemy drakken, his own black scales shimmering ruby red in the torch fires of the raiders surrounding him. His rider sits atop him, the dark leather of his armour almost invisible in the blackness of the night but you can imagine the smug look he’s likely wearing at your visible shock.

You need to kill him. That’s the only way you’re getting out of this fight alive, because if you run then they will continue on to Drakanis. Sure, he’d probably get run off by the other riders but probably not before these horrible excuses of people have commited mass murder and damage. They cared nothing for human life, only for what they could gain. Some were just outright murderers. 

No, you had to fight him. Even if it was to just hold them off and perhaps thin out the herd before backup could arrive. Stronger back up to take him on.

How you wished Jimin had stayed, but you knew he needed to warn them. And besides, his soulmate was back home. He had someone to get home to. You didn’t. You had Stormbringer, and that was it.

“Fuck. Okay big girl...we’ve gotta be careful. You focus on the other one and I’ll try and take some of these out.” Your words are low, but there was no need as you doubt anyone could hear over the hissing of the two drakken as they slowly paced from side to side, eyes firmly on the other.

In the blink of an eye, you have your bow over your shoulder and drawn with an arrow before you’re firing. The shrill sound of the woman as she falls to the ground, arrow lodged firmly in her throat as she bleeds out, causes chaos to erupt on the forest road.

The enemy drakken’s mouth begins to glow a dangerous red, melting to white, before a stream of staggeringly hot fire bursts past you, hitting Stormbringer’s wing and causing it to glow an odd violet for a moment before she screams in anger. You panic for a moment, wondering if perhaps another drakken can kill a drakken before you remember the stories of old. 

No drakken has ever died, only its rider. You certainly didn’t want to be the one to put that theory to the test though, so you simply prayed to the gods that it would still hold up. 

Your ears pop as the air sizzles and your drakken fires a returning shot, the bolt of lilac lightning sparking through the air and hitting the other squarely in the face. It shrieks before rearing up, huge wings spanning out until you can see the dark veins through the translucent skin that’s lit by the glow of electricity.

A raging inferno is slung straight back and you manage to fire off another arrow, killing another raider while ducking below a retaliatory one, before Stormbringer’s wings flare out. There’s a moment of fear as the superheated fire zooms towards you in a concentrated blast before you’re suddenly slammed down onto the titanitus hard scales beneath you as your drakken takes to the air in one harsh beat of her wings.

The backdraft causes those closest to her to fly backwards, thudding against the trees where they simply slide down into a messy heap. You’re not sure whether the force was enough to kill them, but they don’t get up so you class that as a win anyway.

Stars vanish rapidly as the dark sky soon becomes a painting of orange fire and white electricity, each powerful and deadly attack brightening the forest below you as the two drakken fight each other viciously. You cling on desperately as they exchange blows, watching the other as carefully as you can and indicating to Stormbringer when to turn to avoid an attack.

Sometimes she does it automatically, but other times you foresee a move before she does and it’s only thanks to your command that you both avoid the blazing inferno as it sizzles past you. It’s a dangerous game of cat and mouse that you’re both playing, only you’re both mice sat atop horrifyingly large cats.

“We need to get the rider.” You shout out. There’s no real need to talk to her, she’s part of you and understands your instincts probably better than you do. But it makes you feel like you’re actually doing something because for as impressive as it probably looks, this fight was practically all drakken and no rider.

If the other hadn’t been here, then she would have probably listened to you more for tactics in the fight. But this was a fight between two drakken and you let her take the lead because you had no idea how to fight another drakken. And you had no memories of fights centuries gone, but she evidently did. 

Which is why you have to hold back a scream as she swoops down suddenly, claws expanded before you both slam into the other drakken, the sound loud as your teeth jar together from the force of the impact. Large jaws with razor sharp teeth snap towards you, missing you by mere inches as you duck before stabbing wildly.

The only acknowledgement from the other drakken that you’d hit it with your dagger is a hiss of anger before the air superheats once more, causing you to yell at Stormbringer to let him go. Their fight was even fiercer up close as they clawed and snapped, but it would all be for nothing if you ended up being killed because of it.

Almost immediately she lets go, wings spreading out and catching an air current as she soars higher while the blast of flame flies wide from behind you. Turning, you note them give chase and wonder how you’re meant to do this. How you’re meant to win.

Getting Stormbringer to attack would be pointless as the electricity would just bounce of the drakken’s scales. And the other rider was too smart to let you both get above him in the vain hopes of knocking him off or grabbing him. 

A sudden sharp pain causes you to yelp, your hand immediately wrapping around your bicep as you look down in surprise at the cut flesh there. Glancing down, you note the arrows still being fired into the air from the raiders.

One of them got lucky apparently. Hissing, you grip Stormbringer tighter as you try to ignore the way your blood cools rapidly on your arm from the chilly wind and turn her, hoping to sweep around quickly and come up behind.

She’s not fast enough for it, you’re sure, but it would at least be a maneuver that will put you out of reach of the raiders. Breath misting in front of you as she turns, your thighs tighten around her as you hold on from the sharp angle she’s taking. The first thing a drakken rider learns is how to not fall off, and you’re certainly not going to lose this battle simply because you couldn’t keep your seat.

But then you stare dumbly at the other drakken as it shrieks in frustration and anger when a blast of solid ice hits it like a hammer, the substance shimmering in the moonlight where it ices over the drakken’s wings and solidifies rapidly. Its movements become sluggish and slow, wings stuttering as they try to work through the ice and its rider begins beating at the crystal with a sword in anger.

You don’t question it though and immediately swing Stormbringer into action, turning her and whispering for her to fly fast. The opposing drakken’s mouth begins to brighten, air shimmering once more as it superheats and you scream for Stormbringer to move faster as the ice glistens and starts to melt fast.

It’s not fast enough though and it only takes a second for your drakken’s talons to grasp the other rider fiercely, the sheer force of being grabbed at such speed either killing or knocking him out as the other drakken screams before disappearing in a flash of light, the only sign he’d even existed being the scent of burning he leaves in his wake.

Slowing down, you turn back towards the raiders before seeing another drakken flying along the forest path, great golden wings tinged in rose gleaming in the light of its flames as it burns everything in its path. Lyra, Commander Min’s wife, with her drakken Ember. The help Jimin was calling for.

Almost immediately the forest goes up in flames, ancient trees burning rapidly as the drakken fire incinerates everything in its path. But the wildfire is stopped when a burst of frozen ice comes from a second drakken, cooling everything down and preventing a natural disaster at Drakanis’ front door.

You don’t recognise this rider, causing you to squint at the one you presume had distracted the enemy for long enough for you to catch him. His drakken is snow white, scales shimmering prettily under the moonlight with the softest hint of ice blue seeping into the pale scales while aquamarine eyes watch the ground as he puts out the fire.

The rider wears armour of gold, pink and purple; the colours of Ixilos and you ponder why a rider of a foreign nation has come to your aid. Or why your Commander’s pregnant wife has come too.

Gliding down to Lyra where she waits, Ember hovering in the air with great, strong flaps of her wings, you call out a greeting. “Lyra! Thanks for coming, but why are you here? Where’s Jungkook or Commander Min?”

“There was another attack on the other side of Drakanis. They’ve gone to stop that so we came here. We’re the only riders combat trained who weren’t protecting the palace or already out on a mission.” She calls back, shouting over the sound of wind and wings while her blonde hair flies wildly.

“Who’s the Ixilos rider?” You shout, pointing towards the other drakken rider who is sweeping over the forest and putting out any stray flames. Lyra’s gaze follows him as well, her blonde hair almost white in the moon before looking back to you.

“Kim Taehyung, he’s one of the three riders from Ixilos. We had no one else with ice spare and we knew that we needed one when we saw the flames in the sky. We had no choice but to accept his help when he offered.” Her voice is almost lost as Stormbringer swoops down for a moment before rising beneath Ember once more.

You frown and nod before gesturing back towards the city. “Okay. Go back to Drakanis. We’ve got him and I don’t think there’s anything left of the raiding party. I don’t want you out any longer than necessary. You know what Commander Min will say.” 

“Commander Min will acknowledge that I did good. He doesn’t get to say anything else.” She smirks before nodding in return and turning Ember around, her long golden tail running along Stormbringer’s stomach and neck gently as they leave to make their way back to the glowing lights of Drakanis. That leaves you with the foreign rider, Taehyung, and you turn to talk to him, squeezing for your drakken to move forward.

Only she lets out a noise you’ve never heard before, half scream and half what you always call the drakken version of a laugh. Suddenly, you’re being jerked forward as she swoops down, the muscles beneath your thighs working hard to keep you in place from her speed.

You panic for a second that she’s attacking the rider and you’re about to call out to her when you realise the foreign drakken is also coming forward rapidly, happy chirps and rumbles leaving both their throats until they’re flying together, heads rubbing while they hover over the forest.

“What the…” The words freeze in your throat as you finally catch the eye of the rider, his glacial blue eyes bright even in the darkness. He’s handsome, beyond handsome. A straight, cut jawline leads to soft lips while strong brows frame his pretty eyes beneath dark hair. It’s almost like time freezes as you stare at him, allowing you to take in all these tiny signs in mere seconds, despite the darkness of the night.

You’d like to say that you had some physical sign that told you what had just happened; quickening breath, a stuttering heart, butterflies in your stomach. But you had nothing except confusion, mirrored in his own expression.

It’s only when the two drakken lock wings together, swirling in the sky before dropping swiftly while fully entwined that you understand. And you understand because they begin to sing. 

Melodious sounds rumble from their chests, dancing high and low between each other and harmonizing like a pair of singers who have practiced together for years. It’s beautiful, and it’s eerie because Stormbringer has never made such sweet, pleasing sounds. A drakken is renowned for its roar, its snarls and its growls.

But the song is more than your drakken, you know that as you close your eyes, feeling the wind rush past you as the two unlink and soar together side by side, the tips of their wings brushing ever so slightly as they fly. Your drakken is part of your soul, and your soul is singing in happiness.

Opening your eyes again, you ignore the dark canopy of trees that stretches out beneath you or the fast approaching light of Drakanis. Instead, you just look over to the man sitting atop his ice white drakken, gold armour glinting in the light of the moon. He does the same, scanning you over with this pale eyes of his before his lips quirk into the tiniest smile.

Stormbringer was singing because she’d found your soulmate.

[darylwillfightnatureforcarol]

You’re Wasting Away Chapter 1

Set during the time on the road after the farm was lost and before they found the prison. Carol considers her worth in the group and Daryl worries about how thin she is getting. Cuteness ensues.

You’re Wasting Away

They were all settling in for the night in a parking lot. There were wrecked cars everywhere providing a good amount of cover from any potential threats. Carol set herself a little way away from the others. It wasn’t that she didn’t like to sleep near them. It was more that she didn’t feel worthy. She set her bag down and began to get as comfortable as possible under the ratty blanket. It wasn’t very thick but it would have to do.

She jumped a little as a dull thud resounded close by. She turned to the sound and found a familiar jacket deposited a few metres from her. She watched as Daryl lay on the ground, bunching the jacket under his head as a pillow and covering himself with a similar blanket to hers. She frowned.

Daryl had been lingering close lately and she’d caught him watching her with a strange look. This was the first time he’d dared to sleep so close though. He usually slept as far away as possible from the group if he wasn’t on watch or hunting. As if he could hear her thinking about him, his head turned to her and she quickly looked away.

“What’s the hell are you doing?” he asked abruptly. Carol turned her head to look at him in surprise. He looked angry.

“I’m going to sleep…” she trailed off obviously. He shook his head and looked annoyed at her answer.

“I mean what are you doing to yourself?”

Carol was speechless.

“You think I ain’t seen ya givin’ Lori your portion of dinner most nights?” he asked in an accusing tone. She sputtered for a moment.

“Lori needs it. For the baby,” Carol insisted.

“What about you?” Daryl asked not placated at all. She was a little annoyed herself that he was pushing this.

“I’m fine,” she defended with a glare. Daryl scoffed and her glare deepened.

“Yeah, you’re fine. You’re skin and bones!” he whisper yelled at her and she flinched. She guessed she had lost a bit of weight but they all had. Life on the road was hard.

“It doesn’t matter,” she muttered looking away.

“The hell ya mean, it doesn’t matter?” Daryl cried angrily, sitting up and making her flinch again. She figured she would never get used to men yelling but not with intention to hurt her. Daryl looked a little sheepish at having made her jump. She looked around to check everyone was still sleeping.

“Shhh. I meant that there are more important people in this group,” Carol explained in a quieter voice. Her words caused Daryl to frown again. She huffed.

“Lori is pregnant, the kids need to be protected, but everyone else can hold their own. Me? I do laundry and cook.” She crossed her arms, feeling the chill bite at her. Daryl studied her, still looking either pissed off or baffled by her answer.

“You think that’s not an important thing to do?” he asked incredulously and she sighed.

“I know where it sits in the list of priorities. Any idiot can heat up a damned pot.”

“You say that now but remember that time Glenn offered to cook for ya?” Daryl said and she couldn’t help the laugh that burst from her. Daryl’s chuckled with her at the memory.

“You have a point there,” Carol conceded, remembering the disgusting concoction Glenn had subjected them to. Needless to say, he was never allowed to have cooking duties again.

“You’re wastin’ away, Carol.” Daryl pointed out seriously after a beat. He didn’t look angry now, just worried. She didn’t know what to say so she kept quiet. Daryl sighed and stood. She watched him close the distance between them, carrying his blanket. He deposited said blanket onto her.

“What are you doing?” she asked in confused protest.

“You’re gonna freeze. Ya ain’t got no body heat,” Daryl explained simply as he returned to his spot. He lay back down on his jacket.

“You’ll freeze too!” she hissed at him. She saw him shake his head.

“Nah, I’ll be alright, Been in worse than this,” he responded, sounding confident in that fact. It always tore her heart whenever he offhandedly hinted towards his troubled upbringing. She pursed her lips but settled down under the added layer. The blanket unfortunately did not cover her whole body. It also had tears and holes in it. Due to this, she was soon shivering as the night grew colder. She turned over this way and that in an attempt to cover herself better but nothing was working. She almost screamed when a large shadow loomed over her before she realised with relief that it was Daryl.

“Y’ need body heat. Move over,” he ordered and she did so with little hesitation. He lay down beside her and without bothering to ask, she covered them both the best she could with the blankets. She could feel how rigid his body was lying beside her and knew he was uncomfortable. She knew he didn’t like being close to people.

“Daryl, you don’t have to. I know you’re uncomfortable,” Carol said softly. She felt some of the tension leave him then.

“I’m fine. Go to sleep,” he said gruffly. She could already feel his warmth surrounding her and it wasn’t long until she couldn’t keep her eyes open.

Daryl on the other hand, was not sleeping. He was staring down at Carol’s peaceful, sleeping face. He’d never been this close to her before. That wasn’t saying much. He’d never been this close to many people before and for good reason. People sucked.

He’d never been this close to a woman before especially. That was for good reason too. The women he had encountered were the trashy skanks his brother was fond of and Daryl wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole.

Carol was different though. She was kind, sweet and classy. Before he had grown closer to her, he had assumed all women just liked to bitch and complain, like Lori was fond of doing. Carol never showed signs of it though. She seemed to just treat everyone equally with kindness. It was a miraculous thing to him considering everything she had been through.

His mama had been kind, which didn’t last long once his daddy took to her and she turned to the drink. Carol had every reason to hate people and push them away but she was always so warm and inviting.

He watched her eyes move under her lids as she slept and he couldn’t help the smile the twitched on his lips. He felt a strange pride for her. She didn’t know how brave she was and she clearly didn’t understand her worth. He frowned as he noticed the way her bones poked through her skin too much. He had to get her eating properly again. Despite her beliefs, Lori got plenty of food for herself and the baby. He knew that Hershel and even Rick, despite how little he interacted with his wife, were giving her extra.

He flinched as she burrowed closer to him so her her head was on his chest. His gut reaction was to push her away, afraid of the strange contact but he ignored it. After a few minutes, he found the sensation to be not so bad after all. It was even nice. He watched her again curiously. His eyes drifted over her as he contemplated her. He studied her hair, which had begun to grow out a little, the ends beginning to curl.

Merle would call her ugly for her hair alone. He didn’t like chicks with short hair. He considered them all to be lesbians. Daryl didn’t share this viewpoint. This was mainly because Daryl didn’t consider women at all. Merle had thought he was gay for a while but soon came to accept Daryl just wasn’t interested. And he wasn’t.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like girls because sure, some of them were nice to look at. The reason he had never pursued a woman is because of his shame. His scars. He would never let anyone that close to him. Just for a quick tumble, it wasn’t worth it. He didn’t need it. Merle, however considered it essential to life.

He considered Carol again and decided he found her to be pretty. Hair was just hair. Her face mirrored who she was inside. Her eyes, though closed now, were bright and blue and shone with her inner warmth. He moved his gaze to her lips now, realising he’d never looked at them properly before. They were small and bowed, a little chapped from the cold, but looked impossibly soft. They parted a little as she sighed in her sleep.

He knew a woman like Carol was way too good for the likes of him. For a moment though he allowed himself to imagine she was his. His girl. It sounded good in his head despite how ridiculous it really was. He unconsciously pulled her a little closer. He didn’t mind that he couldn’t have her though. As he always believed, he didn’t need that kind of relationship. He was happy enough that she considered him a friend. He continued to contemplate her until his eyes grew heavy enough for him to fall into a slumber.

The morning light glared down on the slowly awakening group of survivors. People were gathering their things and packing up their makeshift camp. Two were only just waking up.

“Morning,” Carol greeted as she blinked up at him from her place resting on Daryl’s chest. Daryl avoided her gaze and his cheeks were a little red. He gently pulled away from her and she didn’t put up resistance.

“Morning,” he muttered quietly as he brought his thumb up to chew on. He glanced at her shyly as she stretched her limbs and yawned.

“That’s the best sleep I’ve had in a long time. We should sleep together more often,” Carol said with a flirty flutter of eyelashes. He stared at her stunned for a moment before scoffing. He grabbed his bow and stood up.

“Stop.”

She giggled in response and watched him walk off.

[constanzemachiavelli]

The Mercenary Band

Tanef was sitting calmly at the base of the tower keep, sharpening her swords with a whetstone she had found in the weapon's storage in the keep. Her breathing was sharp with signs of pain, due to her chest being hit by a war hammer. Somehow she and her other 4 companions had survived the siege and the assault, now resting and recovering from wounds, aside from Shirra, who was sent as a messenger to get reinforcements and save them from the siege. She, with Loth, their cleric, helped Thurn and especially Horn to heal, as they had taken most of the beating in the fight. There were 3 fresh graves outside the fort, for those 3 unfortunate companions that had fallen in the assault.

“You should rest too, Tanef,” Shirra had come down to see the elf.

Tanef kept sharpening her blade “I want to go to the town and shake those councilmen by their collars. How dare they condemn us to death!” She threw the stone away in anger, but then almost collapsed due to her injured chest.

“You are in no shape to take the 3 day journey south. Rest!” Shirra insisted and patted Tanef on her shoulder.

“Someone needs to repair the gate or stay on watch” Tanef resisted.

“Me and Loth can take care of it, don't you worry!”

“Fine” Tanef gave in and walked upstairs and layed down to rest.

After a few hours Tanef rose up again and went out in the courtyard once more, seeing Thurn woken  up from his rest and standing around, balancing himself on a walking stick.Tanef walked over to him.

“Your leg is hurt?” she asked

“And you can't breathe normally” he answered

“What do you suggest as our next course of action?” Tanef asked.

“I personally do not want to deal with the so called council anymore, the already double corssed us already during the siege, I do not wish to be betrayed once more by those corrupted asses!” he proclaimed.

Tanef shifted around and thought for a second: “You are right, we should avoid dealing with them, as they have already proved to be untrustworthy, but we are under a contract for the next 3 months, we cannot break it or else we might be declared triaitors. I suggest we go back to the town and get our reward for the task. If we want to survive in this dimension we must live by its rules.”

Thurn growled “Sure, do the bare minimum, I'm fine with that.”

They both stood by in silence for a while, until Thurn whispered “This isn't my home anymore.”

Tanef hugged Thurn over his back and reassuringly said “It's fine, don't worry about it. We can make a new home, that is if you want to.”

He growled again and stabbed the ground with the stick strongly and went inside once more. Tanef stood for a while, thinking about how to help Thurn with accepting that his home dimension is all but gone. After that she walked off to inspect the walls and defences, unable to do so before due to the siege.

After a few hours of slwoly surveying the surrondings, Tanef went back to the fortress, to its tower keep, and saw everyone already gathered together. Tanef joined them and started to talk.

“How is the gate doing?” she asked to Shirra

“One side is useless, but the other is still standing, we'll need a new gate if we want to keep the fort for ourselves. I'm also concerned about the food stocks, we only have enough for a few days left, we'll have to travel to a village or the town soon to get the supplies we require.” Shirra said.

“We need more drink!” Horhrug said.

“Alright, we'll sort that out soon, but first we have to get to the town and get our reward for holding the fort. We can gather the supplies along the way.” Tanef told everyone.

“Who will stay behind and guard the fort, though?” Shirra asked. “Do you plan to recruit from the villages?”

“That is an option, yes, but it might take a bit too long to make sure its properly defended, so I propose that only I will go, while the rest of you stay behind and protect the fort.” Tanef answered.

“Wouldn't that make us vulnerable without you? We'll be 2 people less in case of another siege!” Loth said worryingly. “You are also hurt, don't you need some help with you?”

“We need to take our chances regardless, we will starve to death before we can leave the fort, and who know what those spineless bastards might do if we dont come in timely fashion, the lives sacrificed here would have been spent for nothing!” Tanef said

“Whatever you say, captain...”” Shirra said.

“So it's been decided, tomorrow morning I depart for Amelgalia.” tanef said, stood up and headed out.

“Where are you going?” asked Thurn

“I need some fresh air, that's all.” Tanef answered.

Next morning she went out before the sun was up.

She loved the night's sky the most, as it had the most going on. It had stars, moons and other objects she just couldn't find a name for. And sometimes something shot past or appeared for a few moments. The day sky she also adored, the fluffy forms of the clouds and the sun itself. She still hadn't seen a sun setting or rising, and she forgot to do so again this morning, too enchanted by the shifting tones of the sky as the morning came. Living almost all of her life underground had stolen her the joys of what a sky is.

But she also had to keep to her goal, getting to Amelgalia. She made sure to pack everything she needed, that is, food and a few essential things like flint and steel for firemaking and bandages, in case she got hurt. As well as her contract with the city, which she brought in case of needing a proof of her employment.

The trip to Amelgalia lasts one and a half days and she passed a village on her way there, before the night set. She decided to not push herself and find a place to camp for the night. The season seemed to be summer, as far as the subterranian upbringing told her, so she didn't see a reason to bring a tent or anything.

She decided to sleep on the trees, a pretty good hiding place in case of some bandits, and a perfect place to observe the stars from. Unfortunately she missed the sunset, again, so she made herself content with another night of star gazing, as she had done every evening so far. Before she knew it, she was asleep.

She woke up coughing, her chest hurting unbearably. She had overexhausted herself yesterday and now will have to go slower, maybe only reaching the city in the evening.

The sun was well up when she woke up, so she sighed in regret that she couldn't see the sunrise again, but onwards regardless, clutching her chest and resting on the road side to rest for a few moments.

Suddenly, she heard a noise that resembled a horse stamping the ground. She lookd to her left and safe a cart being pulled by a horse. She stood up and waved her arm towards th cart and waited for it to come closer. Soon, it came and stopped, its driver speaking down towards Tanef.

“Where do you want to go, stranger?” he asked.

“Amelgalia” Tanef responded.

“What business you got there?”

“I'm an adventurer and im heading to receive my reward from the council.”

The man scanned her body. “You do look like the sort. Are you by chance one of those mercenaries that occupy that fort up in the north?”

Tanef cackled. “I'm too young to throw my life away in such endavours.”

“How old are you then?” the man asked.

“Just 170 years old, not that much.”

The man looked with wide open eyes. “Alright then. Uh... do you require a ride to the city?”

“Of course” Tanef answered

She climbed in the cart and sat down, and the man cracked his whip and they rode onwards.

“So on what kind of adventure were you then? You don't really look like from here.” the man asked.

“Oh I come from far away lands, you could say not from this world, even. I was sent on far, far away quest by the council after an artefact, fought many monsters, got lost a few times and had to find my way back, you know, the usual adventuring stuff.” she told.

“From another world, eh? You are either a big liar, story teller or both.” the man replied.

“What if I am? I've told many lies to my comrades back when I still had any. I've told them stories that never took place, lied that I am some sort of... plane hopper, that I have seen the sky for hundreds of years, forced to hide my fascination with it in case I am found out to be a liar. Some nights I dream about... I mean dreamt about how much easier it would to slice their throats and find my way in the world by myself, without them stalling me.” Tanef said, coughing at the end.

The man dropped silent but then chuckled. “I didn't understand a single word from you, girl. You must have lived no more than 25 sumers, full of dreams and ambitions. Wait till you reach my age, then you will find a value in setting down, with friends... and maybe a partner. Did you run away from your home? No, you are dressed like some bandit, so maybe you are one! Maybe I should throw you out my cart, you filth. Better keep your mouth shut or you will get worse treatment than this!” The man spat out his words in anger.

“I'm sorry, I must have had something deep inside me that I needed to get out. I hope I didn't scare you too much” the man apologized after a small while.

Tanef remained silent and just looked at the surroundings while sitting in the empty cart.

After a few hours, the two reached a large fortified city, Amelgalia. Its walls were around 10 metres high and had several towers on them, protecting the insides of the city. There were some buildings outside the walls, though, mostly merchant booths and warehouses that wouldn't fit inside the city. The horse stopped and the old man spoke to Tanef.

“Well, this is it. We need to part now as I have business outside the walls. I wish you well on whatever you need to do here.” the man said.

“Thanks” Tanef muttered.

“Wait!” The man said as soon as Tanef started walking away. “What's your name?”

“Tanef.”

“Glad to meet you, Tanef. I am Kristoff!”

Tanef waved her arm as a goodbye and walked inside the city.

[jessiewre]

Day 36

Sun 9th Feb - Safari Day🦒🐆🦁🐒🐗🦛🦓🌳🌲

OMG SAFARI IN MASAI MARA DAY.

Excited...

We'd decided to go for the packed lunch only option so no breakfast to start. It was a risky one but we packed a few snacks for emergencies (an old banana mmm yum, some peanut butter).

Got into our shared safari vehicle with Joffrey our Masai guide plus a couple and their 7 year old daughter. We only had a 3km drive to the park entrance and we were soon in Masai Mara park, what a dream. However, we started to realise that the little girls huge enthusiasm for nature had the strong potential to become rather irritating. Every time she saw a living creature she would go nuts. Like, any living creature. She would squeal (not recommended on safari by the way as apparently wild animals have ears) and she would say the name of the animal repeatedly.

Literally, she saw a vulture, I mean, we ALL saw the vulture, and she was like

‘Vulture! Vulture! Vulture! Vulture! VULTURE!’.

Then we saw some VERY boring birds.

‘Oh look, there’s GUINEA FOWL! THEY ARE SO CUUUUUTE ooooohhhhhh  GUINEA FOWL! GUINEA FOWL! HI THERE GUINEA FOWL! ’

Whenever we saw a warthog, which was maybe 100 times, she jumped up and down shouting ‘Pumba! Pumba! I SEE A PUMBA!!’

Phil looked at me with a very straight face and I’m certain if he’d seen a lion at that moment he’d have thrown her out of the jeep.

BUUUUUTT, eventually her OTT squealing calmed and she became a bearable human being to be around.

We chatted to the parents who were really nice and were on holiday from living in Doha, which from their description, sounds like one of the last places we’d want to live. But each to their own.

We spotted so many things, but the morning highlight was went Joffrey spotted a white dot in the far distance. Yes the white dot cat was a rare type of cat that only has two lets OK FINE only joking. So yeah, we could kind of see this dot, then it disappeared. We waited around and looked through the binoculars, then Joffrey decided to head closer in our vehicle. We reached the dot and somehow ended up about 1 metre away from an ACTUAL cheetah, sat casually next to a tree like a normal cat, pretty much posing for us. Then it just rolled around on its back playfully. Was AMAZING! 😬

Then we saw a mother cheetah with her 3 grown up cubs having a cheeky sleep in the sun. We then saw a massive sleeping male lion tucked hidden behind some bushes!

We had a morning tea & biscuits break under a nice tree where we all got out of the car to stretch our legs (and pee behind the car) taking care to keep a watch out for animals (seemed a little dicey to me but Joffrey was super chill about it so everyone pretended they were too) then 12:30 was lunch (not a moment too soon). Again, it was under a tree but this time we sat on some Masai blankets (uh, in a park with big cats - don’t ask) and had spaghetti noodles, eggs, biscuits, oranges and juice. Joffrey said he could see some hyenas nearby but that we could see them after lunch - how nice of him. If they didn’t come over to eat us before we’d finished that is (a clan of hyenas can devour a whole zebra including bones leaving NO TRACE within 30 minutes).

The afternoon was when we looked for lions mainly, but saw tons of other stuff as we drove. Phil and I had the best seats in the front but boy, was it blasting heat on us. So we used our Masai blankets to creat cloak / hammocks as we stood up through the roof hatch getting toasted. we only bashed our sides a few thousand times as we bumped along. My hat completely flew off and I’m not sure if we were in a dangerous spot, but even Joffrey wouldn’t get out to retrieve it. I managed to open the door and ingeniously swipe it up with my foot so the little girl could catch it. She was growing on me now, she certainly had her uses.

Right at the end, we finally saw female lions! Unfortunately we were quite far away but was cool anyway of course. Joffrey said if the rangers weren’t there at that moment, he could have driven closer, but had to be careful incase they decided to tell him off. The rangers decided to drive up to our vehicle the moment we spotted the lions to ask for everyone’s tickets as a random inspection.

MATE WE ARE TRYING TO LOOK AT ACTUAL LIONS.

Was so annoying, especially as we couldn’t find them for ages..

All in all, we saw:

6 cheetahs

Elephants with baby elephants  

Giraffes

Buffalos

Ostriches

Pumba warthogs

Topi

Gazelle

Jackel

Wildebeest

Hippos

Male sleeping lion

Female lions chilling under bushes 

Hyenas

100 year old Tortoise (spotted by the little girl, credit to her)

And after 10 hours of intense African sun, we headed back.

As we drove through the little town by the entrance, the kids shouted ‘Packed lunch!’ and held their hands out. So the little girl handed out all of our spare food of biscuits and snacks, even the biscuits she LOVED and had put aside for herself. Was sweet.  

We stopped off to buy some bits as had made the tough decision to make our own breakfast the next day (I know, absolute heroes) so I bought a couple of avocados for 10p each.

Came back to the vehicle proudly to show everyone my purchase and it turned out the avocados I’d bought were actually MANGOS so I went back to find a different shop for avocado hunt take 2! Found one ripe one PHEW our breakfast was saved, white middle class crisis over thank GOD. 

Phil bought 4 eggs and some bread and we were good to go ‪for breakfast tomorrow‬ - saving 18.50$ in the process. All the food we bought cost $1.50. 

After the dust and sweat of safari life (I’m not complaining tho) the awesome shower was very welcome and then straight onto dinner. 

Back to Jessie’s food diary.

That dinner was SO GOOD. We had a DELICIOUS dinner of a vege spring roll starter, onion quiche, dauphinoise potatoes and green beans main, and then a choc cake with cream dessert. 

We chatted to the family some more - James from UK & Larissa from Mexico & the little girl Liloosh - and we had totally changed our mind about the little girl. Her biggest crime was her enthusiasm and actually she’d not complained once throughout the whole safari. She wanted to be a vet and loved animals more than anything (she even got excited about the field mice that were by the camp gate when we’d arrived back) and was a really sweet girl who loved drawing. Felt bad for imagining her as lion food...

[chocobutt-trash]

Ardyn being creepy stalker old man who want nothing more but prompto's love and willing to kill everyone who's in his way to the point prompto had to give in just so he could save noctis in the end

Oh you have my attention!

I wrote a few drabbles in response to this, but it kinda got out of control, so here, have a oneshot.

(fic below the cut, also on AO3 if you want to read it there)

I tried to gift it to you on AO3 @you-are-so-perfect-that-i but please let me know if I got the wrong user account!

‘My dear Prompto, what do you think?’

He’s been idly watching the canvas awning flap in the breeze, the distant glow of the Meteor lighting up the sky far beyond, but now he looks to his left. Ardyn is far too close.

‘Sorry … what?’

‘Old man’s saying there used to be black chocobos or somethin’.’ Gladio chips in.

‘And there still are,’ Ardyn says, and for every second he edges closer, the air grows colder.

Prompto recoils instinctively. His side hits the edge of the plastic camping chair. He doesn’t want to get up, doesn’t want to cause a scene. But it’s uncomfortable.

Isn’t anyone going to do anything?

For a moment, it looks like Gladio will step forward, but then the most curious thing happens - a flash of purple-red energy across his eyes, then Gladio’s expression glazes over, and his muscles un-tense. The same thing happens to Ignis, and for some reason Noctis isn’t even looking.

Prompto casts wide eyes back to Ardyn as the man curls a possessive finger under his chin.

‘I merely wish to illustrate it would be a shame for something so precious to be lost.’

His touch is like ice.

Nobody challenges the man, and later, when Prompto goes to bed, he is on his guard the whole night through.

——

Ardyn’s dropship is a cataclysmic mess of lavish furnishings and metal cambers. It looks a bit like an interior decorator had a fight with a mechanic. Nobody wants to be there, especially not in the wake of the man’s great reveal. He’s the Chancellor of Niflheim. Figures.

As to why he’s taken it upon himself to save them from Titan’s wrath, that’s anyone’s guess.

For lack of anything better to do, Prompto wanders over to the rows of Magitek Troopers, strapped into their seats diligently as the dropship hums its way across the Lucian countryside. Maybe he can gather some intel. Maybe he can sate some of the curiosity sunk in his bones.

‘Such a marvel, aren’t they?’ Ardyn has somehow gotten close to him again. His frame is so large he near on blocks out the light. Prompto bristles, watches him warily.

‘I don’t like them.’

A look of mock-surprise now, and it rubs him the wrong way.

‘That’s no way to talk about my army. It’ll hurt their feelings.’

‘They’re machines. They don’t have feelings.’

‘Oh, Prompto…’ He speaks as if Prompto has just said the silliest thing, and it makes little sense. ‘Besides,’ Ardyn continues, ‘I thought you had a thing for machinery. That is, if your prowess with that circular saw down in the ring was anything to go by.’

Prompto ignores the compliment, if that’s even what it is. He turns back to examine the trooper’s eyes, because somehow the red glow is less unsettling than the look in Ardyn’s. The Chancellor continues his rambling.

‘I helped design them, you know. They proved quite the challenge. A few technical difficulties, but now they’re quite obedient. And, I must say, I have developed such a soft spot for them. In a way, they are all mine.’

He strokes the dull metal casing of the trooper’s helmet, far too lovingly. It makes Prompto shiver. For the remainder of the journey, he attempts to put distance between them. He doesn’t go to Gladio or Ignis for comfort. He doesn’t want a repeat of last night, because he has to remain cheery, he can’t make a fuss.

It’s probably nothing.

——

It starts raining as they descend into the Risorath Basin. The Imperial Blockade is mysteriously unmanned. ‘They all but turned the key,’ Ignis murmurs, ‘as if awaiting our arrival.’

‘And if anyone’s waiting for us, I bet it’s that guy.’ Prompto can’t bring himself to say his name.

Ignis ruins it by saying it in full. ‘Chancellor Izunia.’ Prompto wishes he wouldn’t. There’s the most resonant timbre to the Royal Advisor’s voice sometimes, and right now it sets his skin prickling. He’s still at a loss to explain why. He has only the vague sense that something is not right.

——

The party of three have almost reached Steyliff Grove when a rogue basilisk gets in their way.

Damn oversized chicken has petrifying venom, and, just Prompto’s luck, it ends up splashed all over him. The feeling of nerves seizing up is not a pleasant one, and before he knows it, he’s stuck in the mud, staring down death.

This is it.

With an ear-shattering screech and a flash of purple-red light and - wait. The basilisk falls on its side, eyes lolling wide as its feathers sag.

There’s a touch at his back. He can’t move his head to see.

‘You must be freezing.’

That voice.

Ardyn is beside him, yet again, and he’s busy placing that heavy, thick coat over Prompto’s bare shoulders wet with rain. Prompto feels his nose flare, but the venom is still so thick in his system he can’t move, can’t refuse the kindly, yet unwanted action.

‘Shh, now, it’ll be out of your system in a minute. Can’t have you dying here, can we?’

Realisation dawns. Ardyn has just saved them.

The Chancellor catches his eye. He knows Prompto’s figured it out now, and he smiles, pats the coat again over Prompto’s shoulders like he’s tucking him into bed. He hasn’t bothered to reassure the other two, and his smile curls a little higher when he looks at Noctis, all paralysed and bedraggled mere metres away. It’s as if he takes no small amount of pleasure in the Prince’s discomfort.

Moments later the venom wears off, and Prompto shrugs the coat off. He says thank you, albeit reluctantly, because yeah, he’s grateful, but it feels … icky. Forced. Ardyn grins, pleased as punch, and leads them on to the grove with a commanding flourish. He will help them get their mythril, and it turns Prompto’s stomach all the more to think he will be thanking him again before the day is through.

——

The change comes in Altissia, when he tries to stop Ardyn from reaching the altar. So far, the man has thrown aside everyone who’s gotten in his way, but when he comes to Prompto he stops, leans in to him as if he’s about to share some arcane secret. Prompto’s already dropped his gun in the water, so he has to rely on a dagger, hastily pulled from the Armiger.

It doesn’t take much for Ardyn to deflect it. A grip of the wrist, far too tight, making him cry out and try to kick. And soft-spoken words as the dagger falls from his grasp and into Ardyn’s free hand.

‘My, what a brave little soldier. I hate to do this, my dear…’ And he lets go his grip, gathering more of that eerie purple light around his hand. A soft, feathery sensation as it hits Prompto in the face, puffs around his nostrils. It smells of liquorice. It’s overwhelming.

Ardyn plants a gentle kiss atop his forehead as he lolls forward. ‘Sleep,’ he says, his voice low and rumbling, and Prompto is reminded of listening to distant thunderstorms while cosied up in bed at night.

And then, Luna. Prompto’s slipping out of consciousness but he sees Ardyn head up to the altar, he sees him draw the blade - Prompto’s blade - and he sees it vanish entirely into Luna’s flesh.

——

Now Luna is dead, and they have no Holy Oracle to guide them. The crystal still lies captive in the dark heart of the Empire, and so they must continue on.

The train ride to Gralea has been painfully slow and downright depressing, up until the point Ardyn turns up.

Now Prompto’s pulse is racing.

The train conductor is the last bastion that stands between them. He’s a short man, and doesn’t have an ounce of muscle on him. He’s really not going to last long. But he’s Prompto’s only hope right now, and he needs him to distract Ardyn long enough for him to go tell Noct what’s happening.

‘Please, Sir, take it easy, like. Jes’ need to see yer ticket, and-’

The poor conductor doesn’t finish. Ardyn’s face crosses with some dark emotion - impatience? - and he extends a hand. Another flash of that dark energy and the conductor is flung to the wall, where he crumples in a heap. The sound is crunchy, and it does horrible things to Prompto’s brain, where he tries very hard not to think about nails on a blackboard.

‘No need to look so appalled, my dear. I did ask him politely.’

‘You … Is he alive?’ Prompto thinks he spies blood coming from the man’s head and he’s freaking out. There’s nowhere to run.

Ardyn merely shrugs. No longer interested in the mess he’s made, he swings closer and pins Prompto against the windowpane. It jitters with the train’s motion, makes Prompto’s jaw vibrate.

‘No-’ he begins, but his protest is silenced with a kiss. It should be warm, but it’s just as cold as the first time Ardyn touched him, and there’s a possessive urgency behind it. When he feels the man’s tongue snake between his teeth he wants to be sick. He pushes back, but he’s pressed harder into the window. His feet scrabble for purchase against the linoleum.

It doesn’t last long. Ardyn pulls back, breathless and looking near on intoxicated. ‘We don’t have time,’ he says. ‘But no matter. You’ll be on your way soon. Now, run along, and tell Noctis I’ve arrived.’

——

Prompto’s reward for trudging through the snow is an intimate welcome from Ardyn and a squadron of troopers. He’s taken to a small, tinny room, pale and cold as the snow outside, and here Ardyn backs him up against the wall again.

He flinches, expecting another kiss, but what he gets is something cold and hard pressed into his hand. His own gun.

‘Can’t have you dying here,’ Ardyn murmurs affectionately, echoing his words from outside Steyliff Grove. He reaches out to touch him, but now Prompto readies his gun.

‘I’m not going to hurt you,’ Ardyn says, highly amused.

He shoots into Ardyn’s outstretched hand anyway. The bullet passes through sinew and bone and pierces the man’s chest. There’s a fizzing in the air, a black miasma clustering around them, and after a torturous moment the bullet simply drops out of Ardyn’s flesh, clatters on the ground.

The noise rings in his ears.

That shot should have torn his lungs, but Ardyn’s still breathing fine. In fact, he hasn’t flinched at all. So this time, when he reaches forward, Prompto doesn’t see the point in wasting his bullets.

Ardyn doesn’t reprimand him, he merely takes Prompto’s right hand in both of his, and with great reverence, hitches up the black band covering his tattoo.

A soft tug towards the panel by the door, and the barcode lights up an unholy green. The door hisses, then unlocks. So that’s what my tattoo does. Another childhood mystery solved. Ardyn mercifully withdraws his cold touch and smiles fondly at him.

‘Off you go, now.’

——

It’s so cold in the facility.

Prompto wants to move, but it’s far too dangerous. Up ahead, Ardyn’s talking to the Imperial researcher, Verstael Besithia. The man who Prompto apparently ought to call father, if those documents are to be believed.

He doesn’t want this cruel laboratory to be his birthplace, but when he sees the clone in the tank that looks just like him, the evidence seems irrefutable. His stomach, already torn up on a diet of stress and vending-machine coffee, threatens to add some evidence of its own to the scene, but he holds it down.

Ardyn stops near the tank with the Prompto-replica inside. ‘This model was always my favourite,’ he says, while Verstael scowls beside him.

In the annexe, Prompto clenches his hands tight round the gun’s grip. He remembers Ardyn’s words on the dropship. He remembers the kiss. He wants to scream.

——

When Prompto ends up confronting Verstael, he shoots him just like he did Ardyn. He’s almost expecting the man to react the same way, to barely flinch and simply regenerate with that daemonic power. But he doesn’t, he simply falls to the floor.

 ‘Ah, look what you’ve done!’

Ardyn’s voice over loudspeaker is a shock that pulls him out of his pathetic weeping.

He swears, and looks around for the source of the noise. Meanwhile, Ardyn laughs softly and rambles on, enjoying his little power play until he gets to the one line that truly chills Prompto to the bone.

 ‘One less obstacle between us.’

——

He’s in Gralea now, and things have gone from bad to worse.

Ardyn’s hands are tight around him. One at his throat, and one round his waist, dragging him down the rusted half-lit corridors. Well, it’s hardly dragging, because he’s being awfully nice about it. Prompto’s already tried struggling, but he’s got a nasty wound across his face now to show for it. ‘If I’m forced to mar that pretty skin, I will,’ Ardyn had said, and he had been sad but so very determined.

Better to obey, while Ardyn’s being gentle. He’ll escape when he gets the chance.

‘Wh- what’re you doing?’ His voice trembles. He feels pathetic. To have made it so far inside the Keep, only to be cornered at the very last second.

‘Why, only helping you get back to Noct.’ He drawls the Prince’s name out in too many syllables, like pulling apart strands of toffee. ‘That’s what you want, isn’t it?’ Lips brush his ear. ‘As for what I want…’

He doesn’t finish the sentence, and that scares Prompto far more than the hand at his throat ever will.

There’s a room at the end of the corridor, filled with screens. Releasing his neck, Ardyn points to one of them.

‘Look at him. Your precious Noctis, running around like a mad thing. He’s not searching for the crystal.’

Prompto fixes him with a stare. Ardyn’s begging the question be asked, but he’s not going to play.

With a slightly exaggerated sigh, Ardyn says, ‘He’s looking for you, you know.’

Again, Prompto refuses to rise to it. He stays silent, and Ardyn flicks his temple. It shocks him enough to make him sniffle. It’s embarrassing.

‘Wouldn’t want him to - ah’ - Ardyn pauses to watch the bridge Noctis is scampering across disintegrate beneath the prince’s feet - ‘fall.’

‘Noct!’ He’s hyperventilating just watching it, but there, on another screen, is Noctis warping to safety, shaken but otherwise okay. Prompto’s still hyperventilating when Ardyn turns to him, eyelids heavy and full of intent.

‘Oh dear, seems he doesn’t have much choice. But you do.’

He tries to kiss him again, and Prompto utters his denial, backs away under the man’s grip. Now Ardyn drops all pretence, and he looks laconic, tired of the chase.

‘I’m only going to make it harder for him the more you deny me.’

He’s serious, holy shit, he’s serious.

It doesn’t make any sense. All he can think is why? Why me?

Again, he wants to cry. He wants to be sick. He wants to lash out, to fight.

Instead, what he says is, ‘Don’t hurt him. Please.’

And he closes his eyes. He’s determined not to tremble at the first touch, but it happens anyway. Ardyn’s messing with the spikes in his hair, sighing.

‘Oh, you really are a gift from heaven. You’re far too good for this world. I would say I’m going to enjoy making my mark on you, but then,’ - he grabs Prompto’s wrist, nails digging ever so lightly into the tattoo - ‘I already have.’

[lindoig6]

A Loooong Post about the ‘Sounds of the Bush’

We have been in south-central Gippsland for 12 weeks, unable to move elsewhere during the Covid-19 lockdown but have travelled extensively on daytrips to exercise by taking long walks in the bush. We have walked several hundred kilometres and the relative cacophony of birdsong juxtaposed against the ‘sound of silence’ a mere kilometre away has caused me to think a lot about the sounds of the bush and birdsong in particular.

It is hard to imagine that anyone in Australia (maybe almost anywhere in the world) would be confused about the creature they were listening to if they heard a ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo’ across their neighbour’s fence or even a couple of blocks away.  But there are plenty of other birdcalls and songs that are just as distinctive.  I will talk about some of our Aussie birds shortly, but other countries have birds that are equally as evocative.  In Scotland, for example, I very quickly came to recognise the presence of Eurasian Skylarks even when I couldn’t find them and of course, Common Blackbirds singing at dusk are just as recognisable in Europe as they are here.  It is hard to misdiagnose the call of a Skua or a Peacock, or some species of ducks or owls.

In Australia, almost everyone would recognise the calls of Magpies, Ravens, Kookaburras, Boobooks, Currawongs, Whipbirds, Bellbirds and perhaps a dozen more, even if they were unaware that there were more than one species of some of them, with notably different calls. Most people would hazard a guess at an Emu drumming even if they had never heard one other than on television.

On the other hand, many of our birds are silent or almost so.  Many others are not encountered often enough (or often enough in places where we are) for most of us to become familiar with their calls, so we can be forgiven for not recognising them or understanding their language.

The more we hear particular species’ calls, the more likely we are to recognise them when we hear them again.  But with so many species and subspecies, with so many different calls, nobody can be expected to know more than a small proportion of them.  Perhaps you might be able to guess at a narrow range of possible species and use a bird app or a set of CDs of all Australian bird calls to identify the species, but this might be an insurmountable task if we don’t know where to start.  It is further complicated because, although we might intuitively imagine that big birds would emit louder and/or lower-pitched calls than smaller ones, this is not always the case.  Even remembering (accurately) what we heard in the bush whilst wading through a potentially long series of calls on our app is fraught and misidentification is a serious risk.

In an earlier post, I mentioned the joy I get when I hear the calls of the Pied Currawong, the Grey and Pied Butcherbirds and the Common Blackbird.  Their calls are quite beautiful, melodic, clear and distinctive and they transport me to times and places of significance to me, locking me into emotions and experiences that were important to me at some time – and remain so to this day.

Pied Currawongs remind me of cold mornings camping at Katoomba, hot bushwalks around Canberra, and particularly the high drama that was my life when living alone in Sydney.  The Butcherbirds’ clear ringing song is an unusually pleasant memory of our former apartment in Caloundra when almost everything was disastrous doom and gloom.  And Blackbirds are stereotypically Melbourne for me, especially my earlier years there, although I have since enjoyed their lyrical dawn and dusk serenades on many occasions.

But what of other birds?  In no particular order, I have recently thought about numerous species and their significance to me – whether that refers to a time, a place or an experience.  Here are some of them……..

Peaceful Dove – anything but peaceful with its incessant calling that seems to penetrate a kilometre or more in the bush.  I have seen and heard so many of them, but they always remind me of hot, dry, still, deserted places.  I first heard them in Queensland but recognised the call in crowded Kalbarri and that is what has stayed with me.  They say you never forget your first time, but that is only partly true.  In my earlier post (referred to above), I described my first encounters with Eastern Koels and Channel-billed Cuckoos in Sydney and I will always remember them, but for some reason, I associate Peaceful Doves with Kalbarri, despite having seen and heard them numerous times before without recalling those sightings.

Laughing and Spotted Doves – predominantly from Perth and Melbourne.  Their soft, repetitive murmuring seems to have been most often heard when I have been in bed and I still imagine snuggling under the covers and listening to the Laughing Doves on the roof or in the trees outside my window as a child. A warm, safe and comforting feeling.

Everyone loves the warbling of a Magpie.  Indeed, it has been recognised as one of the most iconic sounds of Australia: as has the mirth of the (Laughing) Kookaburra. In general, it is the quiet pleasant communication between birds but nobody fails to imagine that some of the time, the Magpie is simply carrying on a conversation with us.  We talk to them, they respond.  Who hasn’t had such an encounter with an inquisitive bird a mere metre or two away, head cocked to one side, listening to our wisdom before imparting some nonsense of its own?

Corellas – usually but not only the Little Corella. Many people hate them for the damage they can do but I love them.  My first memorable encounter with them was at Halls Gap in the Grampians, where hundreds of them squabbled over the best few inches of branch to roost on that particular night.  They tend to swarm into and out of the same tall trees for at least a couple of hours every night and are very often seen (by us) around camping areas.  They are wonderful aerobats, great characters, comics, highly vocal and seem intent on discussing every detail of their day’s adventures with every other bird in the flock so it is an entertaining, if noisy, reunion when many campers are trying to relax, listen to their televisions, or sleep. Interestingly, they are off on new adventures before many of us surface in the morning, usually without waking any of us.

Galahs are somewhat the same, performing superb aerobatics, just because they can.  Their monosyllabic call evokes the desert for me wherever I am: hot, clear evenings even though I have seen them right across the country at all times of the day, and occasionally at night.  They are stereotypically Outback birds in my mind, even though I know they are not.

Grey Shrike-thrush – a lovely nondescript bird with a big, melodic voice.  I first saw one in the West McDonalds near Alice Springs and heard its call with wonder. Such a small bird, so hard to find, yet singing its little repertoire so loudly just a metre or two in front of me. I rarely saw others until our enforced stay in Warragul but have now heard so many of them that I can identify them even if I can’t see them.  At one time, I imagined (from the end of their call) that they were similar to a Whipbird (equally hard to spot, despite their loud distinguishing call), but now know better and can easily identify both from their calls.

Most people hate the Common Myna, claiming them to be foreign invaders, aggressively supplanting our native birds.  But let’s not blame the bird for being what it is. After all, it was humans that introduced it to Australia and if it is aggressive, that is simply crucial to its survival strategy.  I am not even convinced of its risk to our own birds.  If you refer to my earlier post about the birds on our terraces at home, you will note that they have been put in their place by our far less aggressive Spotted Doves and House Sparrows (admittedly also introduced species). The reason I have highlighted this species is because their range of vocalisations is extensive and can be piercingly loud and grating or soft and musical.  Indeed, I often imagine different birds when I hear them because ‘surely, that can’t be a Myna!’

The calls of Magpie-larks and Willy Wagtails can also be shrill and deafening, especially for such small birds. Although I like their cheeky playfulness, I find their voices unpleasant, grating, raucous, piercing and uncharacteristic of diminutive species.  Magpie-larks in particular can screech at almost painful levels at a range of 100 metres or more.

The Masked Lapwing also has a distinctive call, albeit not as piercing as the Magpie-lark.  I first encountered them as a bowler in a cricket team where the run-up at one of the pitches we used was also used as a nesting site for a pair of Lapwings for at least 3 successive years.  The poor birds were frantic whenever we played there, screeching and diving at us constantly whilst we poor humans erected a few sticks to surround a small no-man’s-land near the eggs in the scrape on the ground.  Bowlers in particular found it frustrating to run around this quarantined area as they approached the crease – and many a catch was dropped when a fielder was screamed at for chasing a ball too close to the sacred ground.  Amazingly, despite the Saturday afternoon inconvenience to them, the Lapwings successfully fledged their chicks year after year.  More recently, when living in Richmond, my love of this species was renewed when they would call from the oval across the road every evening, particularly in the colder weather.  Huddled cosy by the fire, listening to the unmistakable calls from across the road became one of the more enjoyable features of our winter evenings.

Australian Ravens (the eponymous Aussie crows) are also birds of wonder for me.  All our crows and ravens have somewhat similar calls, but my favourite by far is the Australian Raven with its long, slow, lazy, down-turning groan.  Caaaahhhaaharrr – very different to our other corvids.  I grew up in Western Australia where all ‘crows’ were Australian Ravens and their call always reminds me of hot, dry, dusty days in the ‘great southern wheatbelt’ where I spent a lot of my recreational time as a child and adolescent.  On my relatives’ wheat and sheep farms, they were seen as pests, attacking newborn lambs and spilling grain from the unsewn tops of wheat bags. One uncle in particular temporarily stored hundreds of bags of grain at the side of the house and the ravens were attracted to it – to uncle’s annoyance.  He sometimes set himself up in the sleepout with his shotgun, but it took no more than a couple of inches of barrel to appear between the louvres before the ravens took flight.  He claimed that they were the cleverest birds on earth – much to his chagrin.

A rare call in Gippsland has been that of the White-plumed Honeyeater that has seemed the most prominent and distinctive call almost wherever else I have travelled in Australia.  I have heard it in a couple of places in Gippsland, but it is one of the most recognisable calls (for me) and its absence in this area has surprised me.

On the other hand, there are other calls that I find instantly recognisable, including most of those mentioned above. Among the others are the Black-cockatoos, White-headed Stilts, Oystercatchers, Striated and Spotted Pardalotes, Southern Boobooks, Bell Minors, Black Swans, White-faced Herons to name a few.

But there are also some areas of confusion. I always imagined that the sound of the Whistling Kite was diagnostic – until I heard the almost identical whistling of Black Kites.  Similarly, most ducks quack, but how does one differentiate between one quack and another? Many small bush-birds twitter away, largely hidden in dense thickets and it is hard to identify them from their call, especially if more than one species is calling in the same area.  But if you think it may be a particular species, it is sometimes possible to confirm it – although it might be harder to rule it out.  I was recently in an area where numerous birds were calling but I thought I saw a Brown Thornbill and heard its call.  I used an app on my phone to confirm my identification and interestingly, we were suddenly surrounded by several more Brown Thornbills, all trying to interact with the app.

I have been on the beach at dusk and have been able to identify Masked Lapwings, Silver Gulls and Oystercatchers from their calls, but anything else is a guess.  I have also been at sea surrounded by majestic seabirds and found it almost impossible to identify any from their occasional calls.  Some of that is simply lack of familiarity, but many pelagic species seem to be silent or have somewhat similar calls making identification other than by sight difficult.

Some birds rarely use their voice, but others are great communicators, at least between their species.  Families of Babblers are constantly babbling, almost never silent, simply keeping contact within the group.  Noisy Miners are (naturally) very noisy and who hasn’t been irritated by their incessant ‘chip, chip, chip, chips’?  New Holland Honeyeaters, Grey Fantails and Superb Fairy-wrens seem to be twittering constantly as they flit around the foliage hunting for a feed.

The sound of one species that is unmistakable to me, even if I don’t see it and it does not call is the Crested Pigeon.  The sound made by its wings in flight is absolute proof of the species.  (A bit like the sound of wind in Sheoaks – instant recognition).

But then there is the sound of the Superb Lyrebird – or rather the cacophony of sounds.  Being such a brilliant mimic, one needs to listen for a few moments to ensure you are not listening to a Whipbird and a Rosella and a motor bike and a chainsaw and the ringtone of a phone and…….  It is the variety of replicated sounds that enables you to identify this species.  Whether there is an innate ‘natural’ call of the species is perhaps doubtful because it incorporates the calls of so many other local birds (and incidental sounds) into its repertoire.

Despite some places and periods of silence in the bush where birds may or may not be present, there are wonderful experiences when the air is alive with birdsong.  Far and near, we might hear twittering and tweeting, raucous squawking and shrieking, melodic warblings, single peeps and long carolling.  These are often somewhat frustrating times when we are trying to see and identify the birds near us, but are constantly distracted by another call or another shadow, or another bird catching our attention because it is nearer or larger or louder and we simply don’t know where to look next.

Equally, we may be at a beach or beside a lake or surrounded by dense thickets or very tall trees and we can hear birds all around us or high in the canopy, but simply can’t find them.  In Gippsland, I have recently been in towering forests with many small birds flitting around the leaves, but have simply been unable to focus my binoculars on them because they are so small, so far away and so active in their foraging, cloaked in foliage and silhouetted against a bright sky.

[rawcatlawnchair]

CHAPTER 10 - TRIXI

The great plains were a welcome change of scenery, or so Trixi had thought at first. Gone were the trees, the humid air and the critters that refused to go silent, but in its place had come endless miles of farmland and far too many rolling hills for his liking. As it evidently turned out, too much of any one thing was always a bad thing.

As they had exited the forests, the paths had become wider, so now the four of them walked roughly abreast, no longer limited to the single files of the dirt paths behind them. Out here, roads were indicated by real fences rather than the treelines, and they looked far more well-worn than the highway that they had abandoned.

“These marks are fresh.” Trixi knelt down to touch the road, observing two long indents in the road, indicative of a caravan train passing through. Small portions of dirt had been kicked up, possibly from horses pulling carts. “Maybe half a day old, or even newer.”

“How can you tell?” Jirei knelt down next to him, staring at the soil. ”What do you see?”

“It’s his smell, not his sight,” came Ruzuli from the side, leaning against a fence and drinking out of her flask. She stood on one leg, propping the other up on the fence, looking as casual as possible. She pointed to the side of the road, and Trixi watched Jirei’s face turn from curiosity to disgust, as her gaze met a steaming pile of dung, complete with straw sticking out of it and the unmistakable smell of fetid waste. She hastily turned away, much to the amusement of the dragonling. Trixi almost felt bad. Finding out what happened required an analysis of all factors, and sometimes those factors were unsightly.

Octavia clapped her hands and cleared her throat loudly, bringing their attention over to her. She pointed out the sun, still hanging high in the air. “We’re approaching the solstice, so the days are getting longer. We should use the light while we still can.” A chorus of nods confirmed she was making the right choice, and before long, Trixi joined his team, walking side by side as they progressed through the endless grassy plains.

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The setting sun coated the fields with a warm orange light, illuminating the wheat stalks and wild grasses alike, with a lone hill breaking up the monotony of the flat sprawling lands. And at the peak of the hill sat four individuals, lying prone in the tall grass, staring at a circle of caravans parked in a grass patch by the road. They lacked a spyglass, so to scout out the men below they would have to rely on their natural senses. With their naked eyes, they could make out some horses grazing, and a campfire already made, but could make out little else. As small grey wisps floated above the makeshift camp, they deliberated their next moves.

“Caravans painted red, white and green. Council colours. Probably official business,” Jirei reported from her spot in the grass.

Trixi stood up and brushed off some spiky seeds that had jabbed themselves into his jacket. “Should we approach them?”

“I say we do,” said Octavia. “They might know something about the happenings around the country that we don't. We're going into Shuyong blind, and I'm not a huge fan of that.”

“I say we don't,” countered Ruzuli. “You know the goblin bandits are coming from the east, don't you? For all you know it could be a trap!”

“Or it could prove immensely useful.”

The two briefly debated before Jirei broke them up. Trixi was honestly amazed at how fast she got them both to settle down and plan a tactical middle ground.

They decided to approach them, but with a fair amount of caution, and before the sun went down. They wouldn't brandish their weapons, or blatantly prepare for a fight, but they would keep on edge as they walked down the dirt road, eyes peeled for any dangers. They were just metres away from the ring of caravans when someone stepped out from behind one of them.

“Halt!” The word both relieved and surprised them, as they slowed to a standstill to meet the elvish guard that stood before them. Dressed in reds and greens, his chain mail almost glowed against the setting sun. He held his pike firmly planted in the ground, but Trixi knew from the way he wielded it that he could strike with it in a heartbeat. “State your purpose!”

Jirei stepped forward to act as their representative. “We are just travelers, and we mean you no harm.” She removed her hood, revealing her Elf features. “Headed to Shuyong, just like the rest of you.”

The guard removed his helmet, setting his short black hair free. He bowed once and began to speak, although it seemed like he only wished to address his kin. “My name is Feng, and I'm in charge of guarding this caravan train. It's brave of you to be travelling so far in these treacherous times,” pausing to flash a wary stare at the other three, before continuing, “Especially with foreigners.”

“Mercenary?” Ruzuli butted in, clearly displeased.

“I prefer the term ‘security expert’.” His response was bland and flat, a far cry from the amicable expression he had given Jirei.

Trixi didn't like his gruff expression, nor his arrogance. He had known elves were a proud people, but never to the extent of blatantly looking down on others. He much preferred the elves back in the Chalice, where forced interaction between the numerous races of the continent quickly knocked down elves like him down a couple of pegs.

Feng turned back to the circle of caravans, pointing at a large pot in the center. “Help yourself, we've got plenty of food. You're welcome to stay, and it's safer in numbers anyway.”

“Thank you for your hospitality.” Jirei was clearly uncomfortable too, fidgeting about, unhappy about her teammates treatment. But she remained composed, bowing in respect. Ever the diplomat, he thought, remaining silent for the time being. “We will not forget this gesture.”

“Just watch yourselves around here,” he warned. “I might not mind outsiders too much, but there are some with far more...radical views on what to do with your kind. The passengers might be merchants, but they’ll end you in a heartbeat if you so much as look at them the wrong way. We’re far from the cities; out here no one cares if one or two people go missing.”

As Feng boldly strode away, Jirei immediately hung her head in shame. “I apologise,” she mumbled. “Not all of us are like him. They spend so long within the walls of the Alliance, they forget the rest of the world exists.”

“Do not hang your head in shame, Jirei.” Ruzuli had placed a hand on her shoulder. “Raise it in pride instead. Be proud that you are not like him.”

“I, u-uh,” Jirei stammered, not quite sure how to respond, taking a few moments to think. “Thanks?”

“We should be the ones thanking you. You're ten times the elf he'll ever be.”

Trixi watched as the red flushed in in an instant, standing out against her light brown skin, and she looked down once more, this time in embarrassment rather than shame. But even as she looked down, the smallest of smiles seeped across her face.

As they walked over to the large pot, they were greeted by a lone dwarf, sitting on a wooden stool. Trixi was secretly glad to have met someone shorter than he was, and greeted him back.

“Rare to see this many foreigners this deep into the Alliance.” The dwarf cradled a small wooden bowl, filled with a savoury stew, complete with chunks of carrots and potatoes.

“Rarer still to see one traveling with elves, no?” Trixi sat down next to him and retrieved his own bowl. Apart from him, everyone else had already begun to scoop their own portions.

“Ah, but they need me. Special talents mean I get special treatment.”

“And what would that talent be?”

He motioned for Trixi to lean in, and whispered, “Guns.”

Trixi didn't know what that word meant, but he was sure it sounded mysterious. “What’s a gun?”

He shook his head and muttered something about how he knew they should have changed the name. “Handcannons,” he explained. “Imagine half the explosive power of a cannon, fitting in your hand, with a fraction of the weight and cost. I'll be bringing the very first shipment of these new weapons all the way to Shuyong. I'd show you one, but its secret and confidential.”

“And you are?”

“Harlin,” he said. “Master Inventor and head of the Dwarven Armoury.” Master Kris might have discovered the formula for creating whitepowder many years ago, but it had been the dwarves who had pushed it to its maximum potential. Their penchant for mass production had lead to widespread usage of their various inventions. While two decades ago cannons were only seen aboard dwarven vessels, now they were a staple of defensive strategies, mounted on ships and castle walls alike all over the continent. Only the Chalice held out, refusing to install the revolutionary weaponry.

“I'm Trixi, and my team's headed to Shuyong to do some adventuring. Some artifact to be retrieved.” Trixi had scooped some soup for himself and had hastily slurped it down. After eating cold dry rations for a week, the hot food was a welcome change.

They traded tales of their homelands, of the contraptions they had once made, eating together as the sun set behind the hills, exchanging places with the moon.

“So, how long has your party been on the road?” Trixi managed to get the words out while finishing off his third bowl of soup.

Harlin’s eyes skirted to the left and right, before dropping to a whisper. “Truth be told, we've been traveling two weeks, but we haven't moved from here in three days.”

“Oh?”

“You can say that again. The one that’s in charge? He don't want to cross the Citrasa. Something about goblins.”

“Goblins?” Trixi knew that there were goblins to the east, but nothing too threatening. They could barely rob a couple of travelers, let alone a large caravan train with a good number armed guards.

“Goblins indeed. Personally, I think he’s just paranoid. Whatever the case, we've got to make it to Shuyong by the solstice, or we'll miss out on the Festival of Ava. So goblins or not, we'll be leaving in the morning. You and your mage party are welcome to join us.”

In response to Trixi’s shocked look, he let out a hearty laugh. “What, you think just because I'm short means I'm stupid? Your elf friend’s staff gave it away, not to mention the human’s essence constantly being activated. Tell her to knock it off, it's scaring the horses.” As Trixi walked away to inform Octavia that her magic had been detected, he heard more laughing from behind him.

When Trixi returned, visibly shaken, he received a friendly punch from Harlin. “Relax, I won't tell a soul.”

“Promise?” After Octavia had been exposed, her essence had been deactivated, but she nevertheless shot death stares over at the two men talking. “They barely like us, imagine what they'll do when they find out we're magic users.”

“Nothing, I imagine.”

“Nothing?” Trixi tilted his head to his side, idly twirling hair with his index finger.

“Council colours don't mean council rules, boy.” He shook a small stick he had strapped to his belt and it extended into a cane, using it to help himself up off the stool. It was only then that Trixi noticed Harlin’s oddly bent right ankle. He hobbled up, and used his free hand to point at the caravans around him.

“Paperwork says we're carrying weapons and armour. Resupply mission for Shuyong’s defence force.” He rapped his knuckles against the wood, giving it a satisfying thwack. He chuckled to himself before sitting back down.

“But you look in those caravans, and you'll find a whole slew of other goods too. Oranges. Pork cuts from the western mountains. Tea leaves from the south.”

“They’re smuggling tea leaves?”

The dwarf collapsed his cane and snapped it back onto his belt. “You’d be surprised how much they tax these premium goods. The council doesn't pay much to move their stuff around, so we make do.” He stared at the fire, seemingly transfixed by the dancing flames. “Get some rest, kid. If you want to follow us, we leave at dawn. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some stargazing to do.” Without moving from his spot, he flipped himself onto his back, and began to watch the skies. Trixi silently excused himself and ran over to join the rest, already sitting in a circle on their bedrolls.

The moment he sat down, Ruzuli and Octavia began to vent. Octavia was still uneasy that he had so easily unearthed their true identities, and made no effort to hide it. She glared at the dwarf the same way a warrior glared at his mortal nemesis, intense and full of rage. Not for the first time, Trixi was glad he was on her side.

“I don't like him.”

“Well, I don't like anyone here.”

“You don't like anyone, ever.”

“Rude.”

“Enough.” Jirei's lone word was gentle but firm, quickly silencing the squabbling duo. “Trixi, you were the only one to speak to him. Can we trust him?”

He gulped. Harlin wasn't completely honest, but didn't seem like he was out to harm anyone. “Y-yeah, we can.”

“Good. Did they mention when they'll be crossing the river?”

“Tomorrow, we'll make it there by midday. Harlin told me so.”

“Harlin?”

“The dwarf,” Trixi explained. “He said the leader of the caravan think there are goblins nearby. They've been delaying the crossing due to it.”

“Bad choice.” Ruzuli propped up her arm with an upright knee, with her other leg flat on the ground. “If the goblins really are here, then the best tactical choice should be to just rush through. Every day they spend here is more time for the enemy to gather their forces, to scout out our defences.”

“Indeed, and I suspect the same.” Jirei pressed her palms together, and when she pulled them apart, a lattice of green vines hung in the air, loosely connected to her fingertips. “Using these vines, I sensed a large collective of lifeforms to the northeast of us.”

“Really? I didn't sense a thing.” Octavia had crossed her arms and folded her legs, bending herself halfway to a human pretzel. “Or is my understanding of druidic powers flawed?”

“Well, about that...” Trixi watched the druid grind to an awkward halt. She tapped her index fingers against each other a few times, before speaking again. “It's a new technique that my teacher taught me. It's not very precise about location, but if it senses something, it's there.”

“So...we should be prepared for a battle on the bridge?” Trixi said, trying to break up any tension within the group. “It’s a clear bottleneck, and once we're on the bridge it's hard to get off it quickly.”

They would spend some more time discussing possibilities and general strategies about how to defend the large caravan train, before agreeing to retire for the night.

As Trixi lay in his bedroll, staring at the few stars that dotted the sky, only one thought consumed his mind. When his master had discovered the explosive powder, she had been reluctant to publish her findings. She argued that many would find a way to abuse its destructive power, but was ultimately convinced by her peers. It would be better to inform the world of it than keep it a secret and wait for another party with far more malicious intents to wreak havoc. Now that the havoc wreaking weaponry could fit in one's hands, as Harlin claimed, that danger had grown tenfold. Too many stray thoughts cluttered his already busy mind, and it drained his energy away. Within the minute, his eyelids would shut for the evening.

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Trixi did not need to rely on any rooster to rouse him from his sleep, or even his internal alarm. Instead, Feng, the elf guard from the previous day, roamed about the camp at the crack of dawn, ringing a large bell repeatedly, waking every single traveler up. “Thirty minutes!” Feng hollered in the air. “Thirty minutes and we leave!” Evidently, the rest of the travellers were already used to this routine, as they roamed over to a large barrel of water to begin to freshen up.

“Good morning,” he groaned, but no one responded. He sat upright, and realized his teammates had not only already awoken, but were already ready to leave, sitting around the fire.

“How nice of you to join us.” Ruzuli said, failing to stifle her own smile.

“No one woke me up?” He ruffled his hair, allowing it to settle into its natural mess.

“No one dared interrupt your sleep, lest they incurred your wrath.”

“Very funny.”

“She’s not wrong,” Jirei said, holding a bowl of oatmeal. “You snore like a horn.”

Trixi groaned and fell back into his bedroll. It was going to be a long day ahead. Eventually, he had to leave the warmth of his bedroll behind and get up, preparing for the travels ahead.

After precisely thirty minutes, Feng indeed gave the command to move off, ringing a series of bells mounted on the front car to convey it. The caravans were arranged in a particular order to improve security. At both ends were the cars containing the food and other assorted essentials for traveling. They were crucial, but in the event of an attack they would be the first to be abandoned. Next were the cars containing the armaments, stuffed with the premium goods to sell when they arrived in the city. And at the very heart of the train, sandwiched between eight other cars, was the one carrying Harlin’s deadly cargo. Feng and his other guards knew that if it came down to it, they would have to defend that car with their lives. Under no circumstance could the revolutionary weapons fall into anyone else’s hands.

Trixi observed the uniquely Elven manner of pulling their cars. Instead of a horsemaster and whips, like others might use, they instead employed rangers, users of green essence who were more attuned to animals in nature. They could quickly create a bond to the horses, and give them the commands needed, with only a simple pair of reins to communicate. He noted that all the rangers that sat at the front of the wooden carts were also dressed in the colours of the Elven Council. They clearly took their transportation very seriously.

Most of the passengers would be walking alongside the caravans, with only a select privileged few being able to sit in them, Harlin being part of that group. He waved goodbye to Trixi as he awkwardly went up the steps, disappearing into a cabin. As for Trixi, he had been placed at the rear, alongside Ruzuli, Jirei and Octavia. Feng reasoned that if they had travelled all this way without any help, then they should be able to handle themselves.

Most of their fellow travelers steered clear of the strange new companions, so they walked alone, right beside the very last car. Trixi watched as a horse began to neigh loudly, walking erratically, and the ranger instinctively calmed it down, sending green essence flowing into his reins. The horse quickly fell silent, and continued its march. 

As the cars set off from their encampment, with two horses pulling each one along, Trixi stared at the map. The Citrasa was nearly half a day's walk away from them, and would be the final major checkpoint before they reached Shuyong. Unfortunately for Trixi, the view remained unchanging, barring the occasional lone tree sitting by the roadside, leaving him nothing to focus his mind on. Instead, he thought of their ultimate goal that day, to cross the Citrasa.

Unarguably the most famous river in all of Sagure, Trixi had seen the Citrasa depicted in countless texts and paintings. Spanning the entire length of the continent, from all the way in the northern Fang Plateau, before flowing south. It rested briefly to form Lake Kaerin, and split to form two separate rivers further down its length. Beyond the fork, they were simply referred to as the Southern and Eastern Citrasa, described simply with its direction.

As he walked in silence, he tuned into the conversation going on ahead of him.

“Ruzuli, would you stop touching your hilt?”

“It makes me feel safe.”

“You know what's safe? Any scenario where you don't have to use your sword.”

“Hmpf. Fine.” Ruzuli awkwardly jammed right hand into one of the numerous pockets that lined her shirt, while Octavia beamed on, with a mocking smile specially reserved for her.

“You know, this exact conversation has happened before.” Jirei waggled a finger in the air, waving it playfully as Ruzuli continued to sulk.

“Not a surprise,” Octavia said. “She doesn't strike me as the type to change that easily.”

“I am literally right here.” Ruzuli pursed her lips, angrily glaring at the two girls mocking her. Trixi swore he could see invisible puffs of smoke floating from her nostrils, like the flame-breathing dragons of yore.

A sudden flash filled the sky, followed moments later by a low rumble. “Not me,” Ruzuli whispered, as grey clouds rolled in, the sudden storm approaching from ahead. Before anyone could respond, three high-pitched bells rang out. The command for haste.

All along the caravan train, nine sets of reins began to glow as the rangers compelled their steeds to accelerate. Brisk walks were discarded for jogs as they picked up speed, racing towards the bridge, now ever nearing. A fierce wind had picked up, buffeting them as they struggled to keep pace with the train. Further away, a sea of fog had seemed to form, riding on the winds. Within minutes, it would reach them, robbing them of the sense of sight. Nevertheless, the train pressed on. If Feng was to be deterred by the surprise storm, he was not showing it.

Trixi’s footsteps went from making short, muted sounds to loud rickety clacks, as he set foot on the wooden bridge. By this point, the fog had all but consumed them, with only the occasional lightning strike lighting up the sky. This should have been the time to appreciate the way they had constructed the flat wood bridge, to admire the Elven carvings on the side, or the olden style of architecture, but the urgency of their pace robbed Trixi of this chance.

Two low pitched bells brought the command this time, slowing the entire train down to a halt. For a moment, all was still in the misty silence.

“What the-”

“Why are we stopped?”

Trixi heard the murmurs float over from other passengers, and began to think. Feng was a tactical man, and surely had his reasons. Still, he would like to know what was going on. Most of the people travelling were not strong fighters, and already they were looking around nervously, waiting for an answer. Trixi had to admit, it was making him antsy too.

“Can you do anything about the mist?” Trixi said, asking Ruzuli for aid. “Surely you know some kind of trick to beat it back.”

“The mist is as intangible as it gets,” she responded. “I’m not very good at using light-based spells. Octavia?”

“Something’s not right.” She murmured.

“What?”

“I said something’s not right. There’s a lot of essence being used somewhere. North? North-east?” Her eyes began to glow white. “I’m going to try to get a better read on that.”

Trixi felt a faint rumble in the earth. He had spent many years studying the ways of geomancy, but this was no earth tremor. This was something large, and it was coming for them.  The rumbling grew stronger, and in an instant, a large wooden cart burst out from behind them, making all sorts of unearthly noises as it trundled towards them. A small team of goblins ran alongside it, pushing it barrelling towards the rear train, just over twenty metres away. Trixi saw the whitepowder that filled it to the brim, and with a look of horror, realized their plan.

But before he could shout a warning, Ruzuli shot forth a wide cone of flame, trading accuracy for raw power. The moment it so much as touched the cart, it instantly ignited, exploding with such force that it ripped the bridge apart, leaving a gaping hole where it had once been. The shockwave knocked Ruzuli back, surprised by the aftermath of her own power, while Trixi was forced onto one knee, bending down to endure the blast. When the wreckage had settled, the white smoke of the explosive powder mixing with the fog.

“Was that it?” Jirei whispered in a quiet voice.

As if responding to her question, another explosion rocked the bridge, this time far louder, and far more violent than the one they had just witnessed. They turned to see that a similar attack had been carried out on the front of the train, reducing one car to splinters and setting another ablaze.

To add insult to injury, the fog that had plagued them suddenly fell away, as if it had served its purpose and now bade goodbye. That in itself should have been shocking, but more shocking still were the two large ships, sailing full speed at the bridge, having cleverly used the fog to set up an ambush. Aboard the ships, goblins hung off every rope and every sail, brandishing weapons and itching for a bloodbath. So their suspicions were right. Damn it all. Right on cue, the high pitched bell broke into a frenzy, ringing over and over and over again, rousing the guards to their stations.

No path ahead, no path behind, and no escape for the besieged caravan. The battle on the bridge was about to begin.

Next Chapter ｜Start from the beginning

[mikamangata]

The nameless bird that sings in the park at dawn

Idol!Taehyung and Busker!Jungkook au

Slightly angsty, very fluffy oneshot inspired by RM’s and V’s 4 o'clock

(Author's note at the end)

He had everything. As Korea’s number one idol he really couldn’t complain. So why was he like this? Why did he feel this way? How come he isn’t happy? Being an idol was everything he ever wanted so why did it feel as if something was missing?

Taehyung sighed, looking away from himself in the bathroom mirror. He needed to get out and take a walk, just get away from everything and everyone for once. So he threw on his warmest black jacket, a thick scarf and his black face mask.

Stepping out of his apartment he immediately started walking, hoping no sasaengs were camping in front of his apartment building. Everything looked fine. This early in the morning, on the weekend, no one was out. Especially in the cold winter time.

He lived in the rich part of Seoul, Gangnam District, so he didn’t really have to think about any problems or thugs he could run into.

Some people might be afraid of going out now, when nobody else seemed to be around. Hell, not even cars were driving past him as he walked on the sidewalk. But Taehyung found it to be utterly calming, just getting away from his responsibilities without being recognised by fans at every corner. He loved his fans and was incredibly thankful for everything they did for him, but sometimes it just all became to much.

At first he didn’t know where he was going, his feet were carrying him to an unknown destination. But then Taehyung found himself walking towards a small park.

Even thought he lived in this area, he has never been to this park before. Whenever he got home from his tiring schedules, he went straight to bed, way too exhausted to go out and just take in the beauty of the things around him.

He stopped in front of a small metal gate. It felt cold under his fingers and creaked a little when he pushed it open. Even though it was winter, it hadn’t started to snow yet. But Taehyung didn’t mind, snow would be an inconvenience for him right now, he could get sick if it made his clothes wet and this early before his comeback he couldn’t deal with illness.

The ground he walked on was hard earth that already froze because of the cold weather and he had to be a little careful so he wouldn’t slip. Smiling to himself, he thought about his clumsy friend Namjoon, who could probably manage to kill himself by slipping on accident.

He looked around; there were thick lines of trees on both sides of the barely lit pathway. A street lantern swayed calmly in the wind, just like the trees.

A few metres in front of him, maybe ten or twenty, the pathway made a sharp right-turn so he couldn’t see what was at the end of it.

Then he heard it. At first Taehyung thought it was the wind that steadily blew through his freshly dyed gray hair but now, listening closely, he was sure it was a voice. Somebody was singing.

Taehyung furrowed his brows; a busker? That early in the morning? In this cold weather?

He started walking again, towards the voice. The nearer he came, the more curious he got. Whoever the singer was, they had an amazing voice. It calmed Taehyung and made him get goosebumps at the same time.

When he walked around the corner, he stopped. There was another street lamp , it was swaying like the one he saw before. But this time, it seemed like the lantern was swaying in the rhythm of the music instead of being guided by the wind. Under the barely lit lamp, there sat a boy with a guitar. The case was laying open on the ground in front of the boy’s feet, so people could throw in money.

The boy continued singing, too caught up in his music to notice Taehyung standing a few metres away from him.

Taehyung then took a few steps towards him, hoping he could see his face. The boy finally seemed to notice him and jumped a little. He had brown hair, big eyes and slight bunny teeth. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. “Oh, s-sorry, I didn’t see you there.” The boy stuttered. He was cute, Taehyung thought.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry I startled you. How come you’re playing in the cold weather at this early hour? I’m Taehyung, by the way” Taehyung said, cocking his head to the side in question. He had always been rather outgoing and curious but he didn’t want to scare the boy either. The teenager, at least that’s what Taehyung assumed since he didn’t know his age, answered a little defensively:“ I’m e-earning money. And what’s wrong with playing a little music?” Taehyung didn’t really know what to say so he sat down next to the boy on the park bench and just told him to continue playing.

Taehyung looked at the boy again. His eyes were closed, he had a red nose and his cheeks were pink too, probably from the cold. He didn’t have gloves on and his fingers were almost white, except for the parts he used to play the guitar with, they were red and a little swollen. Taehyung wondered how long the boy had been playing out in the cold.

Shaking his head a little, Taehyung leaned back against the bench and closed his eyes. He could hear the boy’s singing clearly and he was starting to let his thoughts drift. He thought back to when he was still a trainee, waiting anxiously for his debut. He thought about the first time he was on stage, his first fan meeting. And he thought about his current status as one of the most famous idols and how he still wasn’t happy. What was wrong with him? There were people all around the world with so much less than him and they manage to be happy, so why couldn’t he?

“Are you okay? Why are you crying?” The boy asked, interrupting his train of thought. Taehyung noticed just now that he was indeed crying and that the boy had stopped playing a while ago.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know” Taehyung tried to hastily wipe his tears. The boy caught one of his hands and said:,, It’s alright, there’s only the two of us here. No one else will see.“ The boy took a tissue out of his jacket and gave it to Taehyung. "Thanks.” The boy didn’t reply.

Taehyung took off his face mask and blew his nose. When he glanced at the boy, the latter calmly said: “My name is Jungkook.” If the boy - Jungkook - recognised Taehyung, he didn’t say anything.

“Do you want to sing with me? When I’m sad, music helps me.” Jungkook said. Taehyung nodded a little and Jungkook started singing and playing his guitar again. Taehyung recognised the song as Zion.t’s Yanghwa Bridge and started singing as well.

At first it was a little awkward, both of them having to find the right rhythm and tone and Taehyung hardly remembered the lyrics. But after some time it got easier and the boys sang in unision, not only Yanghwa Bridge but different songs as well. And if Jungkook noticed the few stray tears running down Taehyung’s red cheeks, he didn’t mention it.

After god knows how long, the sun started rising, painting the sky in a calm orange, contrasting to the white and gray of the clouds. It gave Taehyung a warm feeling in his chest and Jungkook stopped playing.

Taehyung didn’t want this to end. He wanted to see Jungkook again and get to know him a little better. The empty feeling inside of Taehyung was barely there anymore, chased away by Jungkook’s voice, and he didn’t want it to return. So he breathed in deeply and asked: “Can I buy you a coffee? Y-you know, as a thank you for helping me.”

Taehyung innerly cursed himself for stuttering but looked up at Jungkook. The other boy was blushing and fidgeting nervously with his hands. After a few moments of silence, Jungkook nodded and shyly said: “Y-yeah, that sounds good.”

After exchanging numbers and an awkward goodbye, Taehyung made his way back to his apartment. He noticed along the way that even though Jungkook wasn’t singing anymore, the empty feeling inside of him didn’t come back. He hopes it never will.

Author's note: Hello! This is the first fanfiction I ever wrote so I was suuuper nervous to post it. I apologise for any grammar or spelling mistakes, i don't have a beta-reader and English isn't my mother language. I'm open for constructive criticism and even encourage it, so that I can work on my barely-there writing skills. I hope you people that read this (if anyone even does) enjoy it! Thanks!☺️