#especially if its a depression induced vacation

[maybmila]

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I might be dragging this out but I like them so idc!

[rebelsandtherest]

Home for Christmas

Words: 4,049

Summary: Matthew falls ill just before the family Christmas bash, and thinks he's missed the entire thing. However, once he hears that his baby brother is sick, Alfred concocts a bit of a holiday surprise. —— this fic is a little late, but Merry Christmas, everyone, and here's to many more!

Warnings: langauge, talk of family during holidays, nothing else that I can think of.

Author’s note: a belated gift to a dear friend, @draw-a-circle-thats-the-compass

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For however many hundreds of winters Matthew Williams had endured in his home, be it in the warmth of an electric-heated home, or warding off frostbite in the untamed wilderness, he would never truly get used to the speed with which the solar night crept down from the pole. It was the dark especially that always sent spikes of dread into his bones, stealing away his warmth and setting pallor in his hands and feet, spreading chill upwards to his whole body.

This year, when he felt the frigid fingers of depression reaching through his chest with the 4:30 sunset, he mustered his willpower and on a spiteful whim bought tickets to Calgary. He had a seldom-used mountain cabin tucked away within the confines of Banff, and while he wasn’t sure the new park rangers still received the memo about him and his cabin during orientation, he was willing to invoke the Minister’s ire if it meant he could dust off his best skis and escape his mind on the slopes.

The cabin was just as he’d left it, and the radiators crackled their way to warm almost as soon as he turned them on. His wool blankets had a few new holes in them, but the quilts were warm and the fireplace clean, and he didn’t even have to replace any lightbulbs, not even in the groaning old icebox. His great snowy-white dog, Buddy, quickly found his favorite bear-fur rug and curled up by the fire, ready to dive into the snow alongside his human the next day.

It was only Matt’s luck that he woke up with a sore throat. He lived in denial for a whole day, basking in the perfect weather and flying down every slope he could get his skis on. But as the too-early sunset crept below the mountains, he began to realize he was swaying on his feet, and moreover, that he’d stopped sweating.

“Shit,” He huffed into his scarf. By the time he was back at his cabin, he could taste the fever on his breath.

Matt wasn’t sure what he’d managed to pick up on his journey westward, but whatever it was, be it cold or flu or covid or tuberculosis, within a few days it had him in a death grip and refused to let go. As he lie in bed, fever-dreaming his vacation away, the darkness grew and grew, and soon Matt felt himself falling into the well of despondency that refilled every winter.

Buddy kept him company, and he’d mustered the energy to call his Dutch beau, Jan, once or twice, but the fever had stolen his ability to tell time, and both times he’d spent about half of the call apologizing for waking him at two in the morning, and the other half repeating himself when Jan got lost in his feverish amalgamation of English and French. He had some anxiety-inducing number of unread text messages waiting for him in the corner of his phone, but reading was a doomed endeavor with his puffy, aching eyes. He watched whatever public tv stations still reached his ancient bunny-eared set, but ended up falling asleep nearly as soon as he sat down.

After some untold number of days, his fever broke, and while he was rationing the NyQuil he still had in his cupboards, he’d taken a full dose the first few nights after his fever and had been mostly comatose since. He’d been sound asleep on the couch one afternoon when his phone began to ring, buzzing loudly against the window sill just above him, until it vibrated its way fully off the sill and directly onto Matt’s head.

“Fucking putain,” he groaned and was shocked at how gravelly his voice came out. The offending device had fallen into his lap, buried somewhere in the folds of his blanket, still buzzing away. He fished it out and stabbed at the screen with squinted eyes, looking for the ‘ignore call’ button, but ended up hitting the ‘answer’ button instead. Only then did he see the caller’s name.

“...Mattie? You there?” asked Alfred from the other line. Matt sighed and sank back into bed, rubbing at the spot where his phone had hit, knowing it would be a lump by the end of the hour.

“Yeah?” he answered, trying to rein in his annoyance at being woken up.

“Holy shit bro, you sound terrible. Are you okay?”

“Sick,” Matt told him.

“Sick? I thought you were going skiing!” Matt closed his eyes, which made his head feel like he was spinning.

“I did. Skied. Got sick. Et voilà. ”

“Aww jeez Mattie. Do you think you’ll be good for our flight on Thursday?” Matt blinked.

“What flight?”

“...To London? Dad’s annual fussy Christmas bash, you know the drill.”

“That’s not until the 22nd.”

“...Matt, it’s December 20th.”

“What?” Matt’s voice cracked with his incredulity. “No, it’s… I got here on the 10th, it’s only been a couple of days, the 22nd isn’t until… I mean I don’t know when but it’s more than three days away.”

“Wait you think it’s only been—Mattie, how many days did you ski before you got sick?” Matt hesitated, embarrassed of the answer.

“One.”

“Oh my god,” Alfred sounded genuinely surprised, and it took him a moment to say, “ Matt, you’ve been sick for a week? And you still sound like this? You don’t still have a fever, do you?”

“No, it went away… I can’t remember.” Matt rubbed his face, and every inch ached. “Listen, it’s not December 19th, I swear, if you’re fucking with me–”

“Look at your phone.”

“What?”

“Look at the date on your phone.”

Matt did.

“Fuck,” he said, staring at the giant calendar date as though it would change if he stared long enough.

“Yeah,” Alfred’s voice was tinny away from his ear. Matt finally blinked and sank further under his blankets, and eventually brought the phone back to his face.

“You’re going to have to apologize to dad for me,” Matt said, “I thought it was… Jesus, I missed my flight back to Ottawa, shit.”

“Wait, you're still in Calgary?”

“Banff.”

“You didn’t leave the dog at home, did you?”

“No, he’s with me,” Matt could feel his voice getting more hoarse.

“Well that’s something. Man, you picked a helluva time to get sick, huh.”

“Apparently,” Matt wished he were comatose for all of this.

“Listen, slam some water—or gatorade, if you have it—and get some rest, okay? I know you’re feeding Buddy, but feed yourself too, alright?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Matt.”

“...I’ll try.”

“Good. Listen, I gotta go, but I’ll talk to you soon, okay? Don’t die.”

“I’m not going to die.”

“Glad to hear it. Gotta go. Love you, kiddo, feel better.”

Matt began to respond, but before he could finish, Alfred hung up. Matt watched his brother’s smiling icon disappear from the screen, leaving only the giant, damning calendar. Matt stared at it and sighed, heart sinking down through his bed and the cabin itself and into the frozen ground below. There was no way he’d be in shape to fly to Ottawa in the next three days, to say nothing of flying to Ottawa and then across the Atlantic to London.

Buddy, though far too large to be a lapdog, leapt up onto the couch draped himself across Matt’s body, crawling on his belly until he was able to nose the man’s chin, giving it a lick.

“Yeah I know,” Matt sighed, petting the dog’s soft ears and wishing it could make him feel better. “I guess I should tell dad.” The thought made his heart sink even further. “Uncle Alisdair was going to bring his homemade whiskey and everything. Even Aunt Bridgid agreed to go this year. But I guess it’s just,” Matt craned his neck to look over into his small kitchen. There was an old, half-empty bottle of whiskey and a small bag of miniatures he’d picked up while waiting on his flight. “…that, you, me, and whatever the fuck is left in the fridge. Merry fucking Christmas, eh?” Buddy whined, and licked Matt’s face again. He sighed.

“Yeah, me neither.”

-----------------------------------

December 22nd came and went, and by the 23rd, Matthew was less sick than he had been, but still far from healthy. “I imagine Uncle Rhys has already played referee to five fights by now, what d’you think?” He asked his dog. Buddy sneezed. “You’re right, maybe only four.” Matt tried to imagine it; Alfred and Dad, probably, Brighid and dad, certainly. If they were drunk enough, Zee and Uncle Alistair would fight about who was the better skier. Jack wouldn’t hurt a fly so long as he had a beer or cider in hand, though Alfred was certain to seek out arguments for sport—Matt really wished he could get his brother to understand that most people didn’t view arguments as fun.

In past years, he’d spent weeks complaining to Jan about the chaos that accompanied his family’s holiday’s reunions. Now, left alone in a cabin with nothing but his dog, whiskey, and his own thoughts, he realized that he missed it dearly, in the strangest way.

“I’m going to sleep,” he told his dog, who was practically asleep himself. “Hopefully until the New Year.”

It was an ironic cruelty that it was more difficult to sleep while sick than while healthy. It was as if his body was in a civil war over whether it needed to be asleep and miserable or awake and miserable. So, when Matt finally fell into a deep sleep, the half of his body that preferred to be asleep and miserable fought tooth and nail to keep him that way. Unfortunately, someone was trying to break into his house.

It was actually Buddy who finally roused him. Though the banging on the door was difficult to ignore, Buddy’s frantic barking was even harder to ignore. Head pounding, Matt rolled himself bodily out of bed, taking half of the quilt with him. He dragged it behind him, half draped over him, as he trudged to the door. Behind the old white curtain hanging over the door’s window, there was an imposing, human-shaped shadow.

“Fucking park rangers,” Matt groused, and glared down at Buddy. “I thought I told you to remind me to turn the lights off last night.” Buddy barked at him, and Matt sighed. “Listen,” he unlocked the door and pulled on the handle, “I’m allowed to be here, call your superintendent, I’m sure they’ll—Alfred?!”

“Finally!” beamed his brother, clad in a designer parka and what looked like a home-made toque, “I was beginning to think you were dead, which you promised you wouldn’t be. Can I come in? Fucking freezing out here.”

Matt stared for a prolonged number of seconds before he blurted, voice cracking: “Shouldn’t you be in London?” Alfred looked affronted.

“While my baby brother is on his deathbed in the bumfuck nowhere, Alberta? No way!”

“Banff isn’t bumfuck nowhere, and I’m not dying.”

“Banff isn’t, but this cabin sure is, and I’m glad you’re not dying, now can I please come inside? I’m freezing my nuts off out here.” Matt stood aside, still processing the sight of his brother in the flesh. Buddy’s tail was wagging wildly as Alfred came inside, jumping at the chance to sniff the newcomer, dancing happily around the American in a way he did for no one else.

“You should be in London,” Matt said again, head aching.

“I wasn’t about to leave you here, you dumb fuck, jeez, it’s freezing in here, too.” Alfred cast a look down at Buddy. “You let him live like this?” a singular, insistent bark. “Ah, that tracks. Never was good at looking after himself.” He looked up back to Matt, shedding his mittens and shoving them into his coat pockets. “Alright, kiddo, let’s get you packed.”

“Packed?” Matt’s voice squeaked, and he realized even the small amount of talking he’d done with Alfred was killing his voice completely, “Alfred, I can’t go to London, we talked about this–”

“Who keeps talking about London? Not me—we’re going to my place. Idaho!”

“Idaho?” Matt’s brain took a while to buffer. “Wait, at your—”

“At my ranch? Yup!”

Ranch was not the word Matt would have used; Alfred was as rugged a rancher as any rancher alive or dead, but he also had what Matt could only refer to as a Kardashian sense of luxury, and enough money to blend the two lifestyles together. Matt realized all at once the expense Alfred must have spent to abandon the family Christmas, travel north, and prepare his Idaho mansion for his company. “Alfred, you don’t have to, really—”

“Dude, cut the apologies, I’ve broken like, at least four international laws to park my cessna out back, so get your shit and let’s go. No arguing!”

“You what?!”

“C’mon, we’re wastin’ daylight!”

-----------------------------------

If Alfred weren’t already breaking laws north of the border for skipping customs, the FAA south of the border surely would’ve surely had complaints about the alterations he’d made to the rear seat of his plane. Where once there had been two passenger seats with requisite seatbelts and safety features, there was now a cozy, cot-sized bed with enough pillows and blankets for two king-sized beds. By the time Alfred had convinced Matt to “just get in the goddamn plane”, Buddy had already found the fluffiest pillow of the bunch and fallen asleep.

“Here, take this.” While the engines warmed up, Alfred leaned back to hand Matt a handful of gummies from the pilot’s seat.

“What is it?” Matt squinted at the candy.

“Delta 8 and melatonin,” Alfred said, replacing his specs with aviators and pulling on his headset. “Now make like your dog and sleep , kay? You look like you need it.”

Matt scoffed. “Thanks,” he said, and chewed the candy together. It was the last thing he remembered doing before Alfred shook him awake and gently informed him that they’d arrived in Bumfuck Nowhere—and it was actually bumfuck nowhere—Idaho.

-----------------------------------

Matt had visited Alfred’s Idaho Ranch-Mansion plenty of times since it’d been finished sometime in the late 90s, and the mountain drive from the airport to the wide-windowed lodge was an unexpected source of nostalgia of birthdays, holidays, and drunken benders past. Matt hauled himself to the window once the familiar hand-hewn wooden fences appeared, squinting against the blinding snowy paddocks until the first blanketed horses came into view. Matt couldn’t help but smile, maybe the first smile he’d entertained since falling ill. Alfred’s horse herd was made up of innumerable bloodlines, nowadays, but at the center of their pedigree was the blood of some sturdy old Morgans Matt had gifted to him during his civil war. Alfred kept a book that traced their sires all the way back to their Canadian forefathers, and seeing the newest generations never failed to swell Matt’s heart. As if sensing what his brother was looking at, Alfred said,

“Bonfire foaled twins this year—really late, too, October. I can’t remember if I told you that.”

“Really?” “Yeah, both little stubborn shits too, probably why they both lived. I’ve got them up at the barn to keep warm.”

“What’d you name them?” Matt asked. Alfred grinned, uncharacteristically sheepish.

“Pumpkin and Sweet Potato.”

“Alfred, you have to stop naming them after food.”

“What?! It was October! They’re cute.”

As they pulled up the house, Alfred was still defending his food-inspired horse name choices when Matt spotted something strange in the driveway.

“Who’s car is that?” He asked, eyeing the plain white SUV parked to one side of the massive driveway.

“Oh, I forgot about that,” Alfred bent down to peer at the car. “They didn’t all fit in the Bronco, so I had to rent a car for ‘em.”

“For who?”

“I’ll explain later,” Alfred said, shifting the car into park. Matt didn’t miss the small smirk his brother tried to hide. Immediately, a knot of dread formed in his stomach. “Let’s just get you inside and situated, yeah?”

Alfred didn’t have to explain, because the moment he unlocked the front door, the familiar sounds of pointless arguments flooded his ears.

“-bloody fucking ridiculous,” said the very drunk, very Dad voice somewhere deeper into the house. On the doorstep, Matt froze halfway out of his shoes and shot a look at Alfred, who responded by smiling a bit wider, all-american dimples peaking through

“Well how about I conquer you for a century or ten and then I can tell you you’re ridiculous, you bloated fucken Gobshite! Oi, Jackie, back me up on this!”

“Is that aunt Brighid?” Matt asked, eyeing Alfred again. The American busied himself with physically helping Matt out of his boots.

“I have some slippers for you just inside—watch your step.”

“Oh shite, I think I hear someone at the door,” said a much closer, much more Australian voice, “I’ll be just a minute there, one second!”

“ Alfred how the fuck did you—” The door swung open in a rush.

“Save me,” begged a younger, freckled, brunette version of their father. The white puff at the end of his Santa Claus hat jumped when he did a double take at Matthew. His green eyes lit up like Christmas itself.

“Matt!” He greeted, smile spreading wide as the sun. “You look like shite, it’s so good to see you! Oi! You angry cunts!” he shouted over his shoulder, “Matt’s here!”

“What?”

“Oh, thank Christ. Matthew, come tell this woman—”

“You’ll not drag him into this! The bairn’s ill,”

“Are they,” Matt looked over at Alfred, who was still smiling like a smug bastard. “How did you—you’re—” He looked over at Jack, “I thought you were in London?”

“What?” Jack seemed honestly confused, glancing between Matt and Alfred. “Did the Yank seriously not tell you—” he gave Alfred a look, and upon seeing his smug expression, scoffed. “London was a wash this year,” he laughed, “Happy Christmas, mate, come on in.”

“How’d you get here?” Matt reiterated.

“Like I said,” Alfred piped up, pushing Matt towards the doorway. Looking down, Matt realized that, in his shock, Alfred had been the one to actually remove his shoes for him, “they didn’t all fit in the Bronco, so most of them got here by the last Grand Cherokee Avis had to offer. Go on, we’re letting the cold in.” Before Matt could step fully into the threshold, Buddy had bolted in between his legs, tail alert and wagging, eager to see the rest of the family.

“Buddy!” A feminine voice cried, “C’mere you big baby, say hello to auntie Zee,” a series of happy yelps followed, accompanied by drunken laughter.

“Well the dog is here,” Uncle Alisdair said in his loud brogue, “where’s the rest of the circus?”

“We’re here too,” Alfred said, walking behind Matt into the main living area.

“Och, there they are!” “Matthew, so good to see you,” Father looked genuinely happy to see him, soft smile creasing his eyes in the way that reminded Matt of the happiest parts of his childhood. “Come here, let me look at you.”

“Matt! Croeso ! What’s your poison? Mulled wine? Whiskey? Cider?”

“The bairn is sick, Rhys—”

“Alcohol never hurt anyone on Christmas,”

“Mary and all the saints, how have you lived this long—”

“Come over here and give us a hug, you muppets!” cried Zee, spreading her arms wide, a nearly-empty bottle of wine in one fist.

Matt was frozen in place, still coming off his melatonin and wondering if he was feverish again. He was dimly aware that his jaw was hanging open as he took in the gaggle of family packed into Alfred’s living room—dad, both uncles, Jack, Zee, even aunt Brighid. There were twinkling lights hung all around the vaulted ceilings and reflecting on the tall windows, a fresh-cut Christmas tree lit in the corner with a haphazard collection of presents and duty-free bags piled below, punch and whiskey and wine and beer stacked in disorganized bunches along the nearby bar counter.

“—sure he’s alright?” Zee was asking, when his ears decided to work again.

“He’s fine,” he heard Alfred say, and a warm hand rested on his shoulder. “He’s just a bit surprised.”

“You’re,” Matt said, looking around at them all, and everyone went quiet to listen to him. “You’re not. You’re meant to be in London,” Matt insisted.

“Nonsense!” Alisdair spoke up first. “We go to London every year, it was old enough a century ago, time for a change of pace.” He ignored it when Arthur glared at him. “‘Sides, you brother Money Bags over here promised he would take care of everything, else your dad wouldn’t have ever let TSA so much as look at his Christmas pudding—”

“ Alisdair,” Arthur hissed.

“You didn’t think we’d leave you alone, did you? On Christmas?” Jack was completely earnest when he said it. Seeing his baby brother’s face, and the faces of his ridiculous, loud, chaotic family, Matt suddenly found himself with watery eyes threatening to spill over.

“The kid’s on a few drugs right now, give him a little bit to recover,” laughed Alfred, arm around Matt’s shoulders. “He needs some rest. Come on, kiddo, let’s go get you set up in your—” Alfred paused and looked at their little brother.

“Jack, did you get your stuff—”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jack waved dismissively. “I moved rooms.”

“Awesome. Come on, kiddo, let’s get you in bed before you fall over.”

“We’ll be here when you wake up!” Rhys called.

“Unless we all have hangovers,” Zee amended, and she and Rhys laughed together. Alfred shook his head and led Matt to his usual room, the only bedroom in the house that had a heated bed.

“Upsy-daisy,” Alfred said, helping Matt up onto the cushioned mattress, pulling out the duvet before Matt sat on it and pulling it immediately over the younger man’s body up to his neck, cozy and warm.

“Hey, hey,” Matt hadn’t realized he’d let tears fall until Alfred was sitting on the bed beside him, brushing hair behind his ear and speaking to him softly in the way that had meant safe since he was a baby. “I wanted to surprise you, not incapacitate you, are you alright?”

Matt wiped his eyes, remembering his lonely cabin and the escape he’d been too sick to enjoy. Alfred’s house was warm and safe, and smelt of Christmas spices that harkened back to his earliest years. “Thank you,” Matt managed, gripping Alfred’s sleeve. “I don’t know how you—I didn’t think—” He sighed, feeling exactly how tired he was. “Thanks, Al.”

Al responded by wrapping him in a hug, warm and tight and safe and everything Matt needed to finally let himself rest. Over Alfred’s shoulder, he could see his dog sneak into the room, hopping up onto the foot of the bed.

“Get some good rest, okay? And don’t worry about anything,” Alfred said into his ear, bending down until Matt was lying back in bed. “We’ll all be here in the morning.”

“The fuck I did! It was your goddamned idea in the first place!” Alisdair’s bellow echoed down the hall and their brotherly moment broke so they could both whip their heads to the door to listen.

“My idea?!” countered their father, in the self-righteous tone that said he’d been at the rum punch a little too much that night, “The entire stupid thing was your doing, beginning to end!”

“You know,” came a third voice, “ I’m fairly sure that—” “Shut up, Rhys!” Shouted Alisdair and Father at once.

Alfred sighed. “Well, we’ll all probably be here in the morning. I’ll tell them to keep it down.”

“No,” Matt said, letting out a tired laugh. The bickering of his father and uncles blurred together in a familiar, lulling haze as sleep beckoned. “No, it’s okay. Merry Christmas, Alfred.” Matt was almost asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, mind’s eye filled with twinkling lights and familiar smiles, morphing into pleasant dreams of holidays past. He was still just awake enough to feel it when Alfred bent to kiss his forehead and brush a hand over his hair.

“Merry Christmas, Mattie. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

[akumageist]

I would die for Hitori Uzune. RIP to Kazuaki, but I’m different.

The Hatoful fandom consists of 13 people and a paperclip. It always has. Unfortunately, it probably always will. Where this is cause for some perks, it’s also some of its faults. In example, it’s still an anime game, made by a Japanese woman, and attracts weebs. Weebs tend to like to think of characters 2-Dimensionally, breaking the character down to what they think is their core personality traits. Hitori is no stranger to this, and is beaten down into this heartless, manipulative, selfish bastard. But I believe Moa is saying “anyone, even the best of us, is capable of becoming a monster if driven to it.” Let’s roll.

2162. Hitori was born into a world of war and hate, plopped into an orphanage at just 2 years old. This can be found in Moa’s canon spin-off manga, where Hitori at about ten years old is caring for the other war orphans along with the other older birds. Luckily for him, he was a genius. He was able to go out and get jobs tutoring birds and support his rag-tag family at his young age.

With that, we know Hitori was not originally cold and heartless, despite how the world may have birthed him. Especially when Nageki arrived frail and sickly. Hitori and the other birds were happy to put in overtime in an attempt to pay for the poor dove’s medications, even in his protest.

Then, 2180 happened. Imagine what sort of toll that would take on Hitori. he was absent. He was at work, unaware of the jeopardy that befell his family. What kind of horrible, mind-rattling survivors guilt must rack this bird’s brain, knowing he wasn’t there as his family was massacred one by one?

“What did we do? We had nothing. Our parents and homes had already been stolen by the humans. All we had left were each other.”

We can gather from this same scene Hitori blames himself for not being there. For not being able to protect his family, or even Nageki. Even though had he been there, he would have died alongside everybirdie else, and left Nageki to succumb to his illness alone. Something of this magnitude would create anxieties and trauma unfathomable to those who did not deal with it.

In Hitori, this manifested as full-blown helicopter mom. He can’t help but think of every little nit-pick detail over Nageki, terrified one feather out of place will kill him. The fandom is good about this side of his character! And of course, so is Moa. This may be the Summer Vacation Drama CD: Hitori The Worrywart (which takes place in MIRROR AU), but I love it’s portrayal of the anxious quail.

Hitori continued to care and ache over Nageki’s declining health. He was desperate. Begging doctors, even though deep in his little quail brain he knew Nageki was a lost cause, and that he was dying. But he couldn’t think of a life without Nageki, and did all in his power to try and keep the bird as well as he could. We can see a great example of this love in words you might not think of.

“How about this? From now on, ‘I’m fine’ is not allowed.”

I’ve always imagined Hitori getting mildly heated at Nageki in this conversation.The quail is on his last strands of stability, and the dove he cares endlessly for is trying to hide the very thing he ails himself over. The genuinity in his words shines through- telling Nageki he’d rather hear he’s bad and hurting.

So, in this desperation, Hitori carted Nageki off to some strange doctor in some strange prestigious school. And how couldn’t he? A doctor who claimed to know of the virus eating away at Nageki’s life, and how to cure it. Hitori’s beacon of hope in a sea of darkness. The only bird in the entire universe he had left to love, the one he had arguably always favored and adored, was dying. He would do anything in his power to keep the one thing he loved alive, no matter the irrationality or cost. No matter the very dying bird’s own lips saying “I… don’t want to go.”

Whether or not you ship these birds, I firmly believe Hitori is in love with Nageki in a romantic sense.

“I can no longer love another creature // I think we meant more to each other than anybirdie else in the world... // The love I felt soured into resentment // I should remember the beautiful face I knew, not… a photo covered in scribbles”

Not to mention admitting he can’t bear to live without the dove in BBL. And, in his route, Hiyoko goes as far as to refer to this bird as a female, which means he’s speaking so fondly she’s assuming it was a lover, and therefore a woman. Hitori’s stopped any sort of love at the idea he can only love Nageki post-mortem. That is canon. And well… that’s not very brotherly, no matter how good of a relationship you may have with your sibling (I speak from experience).

Okay, okay, this persuasive essay is NOT for convincing you of this ship, that is another essay for another time. I’ve only mentioned this opinion because I need you to understand his irrationality for the one thing he has left, and the fragility of it. And why it might drive anybirdie to… Hitori-level madness. Moving on.

2183. A mere 3 years after Hitori had lost the majority of his family to human terrorists. Nageki sends a coded letter, and… we can see Hitori’s anxieties outright.

“It’s happening again. Nageki needs me, and I’m not there.”

This is… a very powerful line in the game. We’re seeing just how vulnerable Hitori truly is. This is a traumatized individual in a panic attack- realizing the love of his goddamn life is once again faced with something horrible, and Hitori is once again absent from the scene.

And just like that, he’s gone.

The only thing. The only one Hitori had left in life to love. To live for. Taken from him without so much as a second chance. This is painful to write. This part of Hatoful is, without a doubt, the most agonizing. I know how it is to lose something so dear and feel as though maybe it’s not worth going on without them.

This is the peak of Moa’s tragedy writing ability (and yes, I’m including Holiday Star). But this is my point, is it not? Though his kanji may be “sun bird”, the actual word for his name “Hitori” quite literally means one, alone, solitary. He is now all alone in the universe, no family left. How can anybirdie even remotely remain in charge of their faculties (as Sakuya would put it) by now? You wouldn’t.

Hitori is now a husk of his former self. Anything he’s ever cared for is gone, he has nothing left to live for. He goes- my favorite coined term for him- absolutely batshit. He gets what we call “trauma-induced psychosis”, and begins to hallucinate very vividly, a form that he refers to as “Nageki”. We all know him of course, as Shadow. Shadow, from the little information we’re able to gather from BBL, is tormenting Hitori ruthlessly.

Shadow is easily misunderstood, because Moa made him fathomable, so the reader was able to understand exactly what was happening. What had become of Hitori Uzune. Shadow in all his simplicity- is Hitori. It is an introjection of Nageki, manifested to validate Hitori in his self-hatred. Don’t you get it? He hates himself just as much as you hate him!

Anything Hitori thinks of himself, Shadow is there to back up. He’s taunting him day in and day out, reminding him that he killed Nageki, and every ounce of Nageki’s suffering life was the fruit of Hitori’s inability to protect him. But again, it’s his own brain, telling him exactly what he wants to hear. What he truly believes. Telling himself what he’s done, and how he deserves this. ...And to seek revenge.

Hitori lost his mind. He had nothing else to lose, after all. He became obsessed with Nageki even moreso than he was in life, because there was no level-headed dove to calm him and tell him to stop worrying so much, or keep him at least reasonably held together by simply being there.

He listened to his psychosis, and when he made a friend (Moa gives evidence Hitori and Kazuaki were friends prior to Hitori’s ill-intentions), his psychosis got in the way of that, too. As he travelled down this relationship (which Moa herself says is pretty much romantic), we can assume he realized just how unable to love he was. He had Kazuaki around because, let’s face it. He wanted someone like Nageki who was incompetent so he could nurture and care for them. And for a while, it worked. But it didn’t. Hitori didn’t love Kazuaki. He couldn’t. He was too busy looking for Nageki.

So, you’re reading this in english. You speak english. At least a little, right? So maybe you played the english (and localized) version of the game. Well then you may not know the following. Please pay attention! This gets a bit rocky, and a bit more “Hitori...!”.

In the English version, Hitori disguised as Kazuaki is “tired”. In the Japanese version, he’s “sleepy” or “dreamy”. I’d describe him as ditsy, for sure. He kind of acts like an airhead who knows absolutely nothing, and his students don’t take him seriously. In the Hatomame Sweet Blend Drama CD, there is a track that follows Kazuaki on a little adventure of his narcolepsy, and going to Shuu for help.

In and out of comatose, Hitori, as himself, is there in his dreams as a separate bird.

“This bird with a face I had never seen spoke to me in a voice I had never heard, and this is what he said.”

“Nanaki-sensei” is clearly denying his own identity.

“I’ll sleep, just a little, and then leave… good… night…”

“But sleeping is my job… You still have a little longer. Tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that…”

This is dream Hitori telling himself that he has to continue his alias until his revenge is fulfilled. The quail that was once Hitori must remain dormant until he is reunited with Nageki again, and can be happy again. As a metaphor for depression… don’t you feel like you’re a shell of your former self?

So, going off this information… I believe Hitori has repressed himself. This is due to my own knowledge on psychology but-- Hitori doesn’t want to be Hitori anymore. It’s too hard. Hitori the war orphan. Hitori the lone survivor. Hitori the murderer and identity thief. It’s him not wanting to deal with his trauma in a healthy way, and instead locking it up and becoming somebirdie new and undamaged.

He killed Hitori.

This falls into the other delusion- that Nageki is somehow not completely dead and gone and ash- but still trapped, somehow, somewhere, and Hitori needs to find and get him. To kill Isa and the researchers who “killed” Nageki, and bring “Nageki” home. Whatever he believes Nageki is. In BBL, we see this quite literally varies! He tried to cut Ryouta open and steal his liver!

“Sir, Nageki would have never wanted this…!”

There is no difference between a serial killer and someone in a court room screaming for the serial killer to be murdered in turn. That mourning mother is then one in the same with that killer, is she not? She sees him, and wants him to die. She wants him to die and suffer. She believes that will bring her a sense of justice. Even though she knows it will not return her son to her. Hitori, is that mourning mother. He sees Isa, and all he can see is the man who murdered his dove.

I know the biggest aspect as to why the fandom hates Hitori is the sole factor that Kazuaki is #relatable. He’s a depressed college student who thinks he’s better off dead. Then, Hitori tricks him. But you’re not reading Kazuaki right. It’s okay, he’s easy to misread from Holiday Star’s plotline. 

Holiday Star was written with Kazuaki as the villain, do you forget? A grey villain as well, but a villain nonetheless. He told his tragic sob story death in such a way, you can’t help but to cry. He’s the victim! I’m not saying he’s not. But he was written specifically to be pitied in Holiday Star, and as you continue on, you begin to see he’s actually just anti-self help. He doesn’t want to face his fears. He doesn’t want to leave his safe egg and take the risk he should have.

Kazuaki is meant to be pitied, yes,  but just on the brink of annoying with his helplessness and self-deprecation. He’s, forgive me, a “sad sack of shit” who does nothing to help himself. Don’t come after me for being “ableist” or whatever- Moa literally wrote him this way.

This is also depicted in “Kazuaki-kun’s Book”. Now, this book takes place in the MIRROR AU, but it tells of how Kazuaki met Hitori. Moa starts the manga off by explaining Kazuaki had a great chickhood, a healthy life, and an easy, happy time. But then, he flunked his college exams and didn’t even get into his safety school. He lazed around, grew depressed, and let his apartment rot. He played video games until his online friends got jobs, and wasted any money he had on them as well. The only thing that scared him out of it is when his next door neighbor was found dead, having rotted into his own futon.

So imagine Hitori, who has worked so hard and lost everything he had done so for. Tirelessly, through his horrible, fucked up existence. Nageki, who had his short and miserable life robbed from him, had to die. Had to kill himself. And this random quail has the audacity to bitch and moan, thinking he’s got it bad? He’s a waste of space that could have been filled with Nageki. This is what Hitori’s brain is thinking. Hitori’s only ~20 years old when Nageki dies, after all.

I’m not saying this is cause for murder and identity theft. Don’t you dare misread me on this. But as I’ve stated prior- Hitori’s completely lost it.  But you ship him with the chukar that literally ruined his life. Hitori’s a grey villain but holy fuck why would you want him to fuck the partridge that tortured and drove his only loved one to suicide?

It was wrong to trick Kazuaki. It was wrong to insult him as he died. It was wrong to steal his identity. That’s obvious and a given. But you all seem to look at that factoid alone, chalking it up to ‘preying on a poor mentally ill man” but not taking into consideration Hitori is mentally ill himself. ...Just not #relatable enough for you.

Hitori is suicidal as well. He’s been suicidal presumably since Nageki died. Don’t you dare say Hitori isn’t at least a little in the same boat. I don’t care if he’s not as soft and uwu and cuddly as Kazuaki. Mental illness is not rainbows and butterflies and emo hair (though Kazuaki is not portrayed this way).

Holiday star bears all the answers. I raise you important points, so pay close attention. The first key component is Hitori, found upside down in the pudding. He’s crying. Why is he crying? Because he’s lost his name? Oh, but think deeper.

“I’m Nemo”.

“Nemo” is latin for nothing, and his name translates to “nothing” in every language of HoliStar. The King has vomited him up in his kingdom, and robbed him back of what he stole from him. His identity.

But it goes even deeper than that.

“I’ve lost something, and so, I think I might cry.”

From this phrase alone, it’s painful to play this game. Nageki is right in front of his beak. But what did he do? He ate his own eyes. Hitori, in his refusal to identify with himself, has robbed himself of quite literally seeing the very bird he adores and sought after. Then, he is renamed his own identity by that bird (the only identity he accepts). How surreally real.

The second key component is when everybirdie is being rescued, but Leone warns Yuuya the quail is clearly falling more rapidly into a coma, and may not be able to awake. Why is this? Because Hitori wants to die. He’s fine with it, and Kazuaki is more than happy to keep him. When Yuuya finds him, Hitori is not at all alarmed as he should be. He seems passive, and simply wants to fall back to sleep. He’s to the point of trying to strangle Yuuya in attempt to let himself fall into eternal slumber (even if he thinks Yuuya is… Kazuaki..?).

Heed these next words carefully. When Yuuya asks if The King did something to him, Hitori replies-

“...No, all The King did was close the door.”

I am a firm believer this is Hitori indirectly saying “Kazuaki did nothing wrong, and I do not resent him for hating me.” Especially since Hitori shows signs of knowing it’s Kazuaki, and repenting.

“He said I need to be punished. Apparently I did something bad… and I think I know what it was.”

This is confirmed in my next point, so bear with me.

Hitori, in this same conversation, is admitting he wants to die. The only thing that stops him- as morbid as it may be, is remembering this takes place before the events of BBL. He hasn’t fulfilled what he believes is his “something I need to do”. Which is seek revenge, and bring Nageki home, as per Shadow’s orders.

Lastly, at the bitter end of Holiday Star when everybirdie is plummeting through the air from the false star, Hitori is still blind and confused. Suddenly, The King erupts from behind Hitori, and appears to be talking to him.

--

“Oh, is that right?”

--

“...I know, I know. ...but it’s still too soon. That’s right, I’ll be along soon. I’ll catch up with you. Someday…”

This is arguably my most prominent point in the entire essay. This is Hitori, admitting not only does he still plan to kill himself, but that he intends to keep his promise and reunite with Kazuaki in the afterlife. These are not the words of a heartless quail. These are the words of somebirdie who knows they’ve taken advantage of a friend, but is continuing to do their best to keep their promises and make amends. This is Hitori telling Kazuaki he still cares for him.

Hitori is the result of trauma and hardship beyond compare, and his inability to cope. He is not meant to be hated. He is meant to have shock value, yes. What he has done his disgusting, but you want to love him. Because he raised the sweetest bird in the entire game who would rather kill himself than hurt others.

Grey-villains are difficult, and because you can’t love them for being purely evil, you end up hating them for being a good person who’s done bad things. Hitori is a cracked window. Not quite shattered, but no longer whole, with a faulty image. Hitori is not just some heartless, manipulative, selfish bastard. He’s quite literally a bird with a broken wing (or entire ribcage more like), trying to… well, Live, and be happy.

[acelikesturtles]

“Ice Cream Sunday”

Prompt: Depression Comfort One-shot feat. Olivia & the Turts

Warnings: Lots of internal reflection about depression and mental health stuff. Also there’s like one curse word, maybe more, I don’t remember??

Word Count: 1,783

A/N: The formatting on the original post got royally FUCKED as always and near gave me a heart attack when I realized what I did. Hope you don’t mind @dw-im-just-sad​! I also hope that there are sunnier days ahead for you, I too have been struggling with a depression episode recently (which is part of why the drabble for this prompt is coming in a little later than I’d have liked it to), so I definitely know at least some of the feeling. <3

Lazy Sundays were normally pretty good in Olivia’s mind.

The lack of obligations, the peace and quiet paired with the promise of a more fun night ahead when the boys got finished training or doing whatever it is they did during the day. Today’s Lazy Sunday didn’t feel as good though, if anything it made her feel worse the more that she was a part of it. Staring up at the ceiling of the lair, her mind felt simultaneously numb and tired while still managing to be alive with an uncomfortable amount of unaddressed emotions.

Aside from the laid back bliss that came with a Lazy Sunday, this was supposed to be her happy place. Although the initial experience of the stench when she came in was (and always would be) unforgiveable, her nose became adjusted to it until it was practically background noise amidst the experience of being with the turtles. Their little home environment was always so loving and warm, a spot where she could escape or run away from a world that felt so harsh and anxiety-inducing and instead surround herself with people that eased her into smiling even when life was at its most difficult.

Even if the lair was usually a safe and happy place for her, it didn’t mean that it cancelled out the rest of her own very prominent emotions, particularly right now. Reluctantly, Olivia had to admit that this was probably her depression again, baring its teeth and looking for a fight that she didn’t have the energy to start. It wasn't like it ever went away when she met the boys, if anything it just enjoyed burying itself like an ostrich in the sand when they were around before pulling its head back up when they weren't. It didn’t quite like company as much. After all, it was infinitely easier to take her down when she was alone.

Blinking slowly, she recognized that while there may not have been one singular reason for the depression to start bubbling up, its persistence despite her attempts at distracting herself from it probably meant that it would be there to stay for a while, or at least until she found a big enough distraction to offset the emotions and the experiences. The boys had said they wanted to run a movie marathon once the day’s activities were over, so that would probably help. Or at least she hoped it would.

Olivia ran her hand down her face and let out a deep and shaky breath. The weight of her own emotions started nudging her closer to tears, and she gave in rather reluctantly. She tried to be quiet, only letting one or two tears out so she wouldn’t break into a full out sob. This wasn't the place to cry and be sad, this was the party pad and nobody cries when they're in the party pad, Mikey had said it himself one time.

Right as she was about to get up off the couch she had been curled up on to get herself a glass of water, her eyes quickly met with Mikey's. He was hovering over her now, a few beads of sweat on his forehead running down the side of his face. Their training session must have been particularly brutal today if even Mikey was sweating. Normally that was reserved for Donnie, he tended to get winded a little bit faster given the brutal workout routine Splinter kept them on.

"Are you crying, dude?"

"No," Olivia said defensively. She sat up so she wouldn't have to feel like she was under a magnifying glass quite as much as she did with Mikey peering down at her from over the back of the couch. "I'm tired, that's all."

"Nah, nah, dude you were crying, I can see it in your eyes they’re all red and stuff," Mikey seemed really insistent with one hand reaching for and firmly grasping her shoulder. His face seemed more empathetic than it did confrontational. "What's wrong? You can talk to me."

"I-"

A jumbled mess of every last thing that had ever felt wrong or ever been wrong throughout her entire life flashed in front of her mind. It wasn’t like one specific reason stood as the answer to why she felt like this, it was more like an unfortunate combination of it all that left her drained, and had been leaving her drained for years now. She frowned, then looked down at her jeans and began picking at the worn frays of denim at the bottom of her pant legs. Talking about it would just get complicated, especially to Mikey. He oozed pure light and joy almost all the time, would he really understand what this kind of thing felt like?

"Seriously Mikey, its not that bad, just feeling kinda off I guess. I'll be okay."

Mikey narrowed his eyes at her before thrusting himself over the back of the couch and onto the cushions to join her. Clearly he wasn’t buying it. “Its okay to cry, I do too,” He said softly. His own openness to admitting his emotions was remarkable seeing as . “He wouldn’t wanna admit it, but Raph does too at those puppy commercials.”

“ASPCA Ads.” Donnie interrupted through a sigh. He had been sitting in his desk nearly the entire time, typing away at something important while monitoring the security cameras. As for how he managed to get out of today’s training, she didn’t know, but he at least had seemed to be enjoying his little vacation time away. He got up from his chair and plopped himself down criss-cross on the floor in front of them, whispering, “Sometimes we gotta flip the channel cause he gets all worked up seeing them. But you didn’t hear that.”

Olivia couldn’t help but smile, even if it was just a weak smirk that tugged at the corners of her lips. That sounded like Raph alright, the boy had a soft spot for pit bulls and other big tough seeming dogs and seeing them suffering in kennels all alone would probably pull at every last heartstring he didn’t even know he had.

“I better not have heard you say what I just think I did.” The now looming shadow over her spoke. She turned her head and saw it was Raph, who only peeled his eyes away from Donnie for a moment to look down at Olivia. Suddenly the thought of beefing with Donnie outside for embarrassing him didn’t seem as important to him once he caught sight of her puffy and reddened eyes. “Are you crying?”

“Fine.” She gave in. “Yeah, I am, but its fine, seriously. Don’t worry about it.” Olivia sighed. “Sometimes I...I don’t know, I just feel like this, no reason to worry.”

“Nah, I ain’t worrying, just wanna make sure its not because of one of these two knuckleheads.” Raph responded coolly before shoving at Mikey playfully and pushing him off the couch so he could sit. “Why are you feeling like that though?”

“I don’t know,” Olivia sighed. “I just do sometimes. It doesn’t really ever go away, just subsides for a little while."

A couple moments of silence filled the air, only punctuated by the sounds of Leo's footsteps as he joined the conversation and sat down beside Donnie. "What's going on?" He asked, looking from brother to brother.

"Olivia's been feeling super sad and its bumming her out." Mikey answered, rolling onto his back.

Great. Now everybody was on her case. Olivia braced herself for the long and draining conversation that was bound to be ahead about why she was actually sad and why she had depression when her life “wasn't as bad as some other people”. She had heard it all before and none of it helped, it only made her feel worse, like she was a weight that everyone else was forced to carry.

"Is there any way we could help?" Leo asked. His expression seemed genuine, as if he was coming from a place of understanding rather than judgement. As her gaze drifted over each brother she noticed a similar strain of understanding and friendly compassion behind their eyes (except for Mikey, who was still laid back on his shell waving his arms back and forth as if he were making snow angels.) Even the usually closed off Raphael, who seemed particularly invested in what she might suggest.

Olivia didn’t really know what would help if she was honest with herself, but maybe there was some merit behind the thought that their genuine desire to help her could take the edge away for the time being or push her out of the storm clouds she had been sitting under. Her gaze once again drifted across the room to each turtle, hesitating to answer as she parted and closed her lips again. What would help?

“I don’t know.” She answered truthfully, feeling a little embarrassed at her own lack of an answer yet again. There had to be something, she just didn’t know what it was, couldn’t place her finger on it. Crawling out of one of these depressive episodes was a process, not something that happened overnight.

“That’s okay!” Mikey said, now sitting back up and pointing a set of finger guns at her. “We can help until you do know.”

"We could all use a little company when we're not feeling good." Don smiled.

“Not going anywhere until you’re feeling better.” Raph nodded in agreement.

Small waves of relief washed over Olivia’s body. The numbest parts of her mind began to feel a little more warm and relaxed. The turtles didn’t know the full extent of how much their friendship meant to her, or the positive effect they had on her most crushed and beaten down psyche. Despite maybe not entirely understanding, they were still able to offer a hand out in peace, something that reminded her of why she so often called the lair her second home. This was a happy place, a party pad, a place to have a good time like Mikey always said. But Olivia saw another side of the lair too now.

This could be a place where she was able to cry and feel her emotions while still having a support system at her side by the end of the day.

Although she still felt pretty shit, Olivia finally had something on her mind that she felt like could help her, even if it was just a little. “Movies and ice cream.” She said softly, rubbing her puffy eyes. As Mikey excitedly got up to fulfill the ice cream part of her request, she shouted after him.

“Two scoops!”

[spiderman-homecomeme]

Something Old

Part 1 of “And a Silver Sixpence in Her Shoe”

AN: Hey guys! I’m back with another multi-chap, though a much shorter one! This was just an idea I had a few weeks ago and I thought it was too cute not to write. It’s short. It’s sweet. It’s FLUFFY. Get ready for a Spideychelle wedding everyone!!! This story follows the poem: something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue :)

Read here or on AO3

-

Her nails are digging into her palm, one hand clenched while the other taps at her thigh in a hiccuping rhythm as she paces the short stretch of hallway just outside his room. 

This was a bad idea.

Wasn’t it?

No, it was fine. 

If he could do it, so could she. 

The thundering beat of her heart accompanied by the tightness in her chest tells her otherwise. She knows that it’s normal, her body’s own physiological reaction in response to a significant amount of acute stress, something perceived as a threat to her very survival. It was fight or flight, and in that moment, she was leaning more towards the latter. 

Yeah, flight was sounding pretty good right about now.

And though it wasn’t necessarily life and death, knocking on Peter’s door, asking him to hang out-- even after all the confessions and kisses on the bridge-- might as well have been. 

But damn it, they had one more (very much unplanned) night in London, and she wasn’t about to let it go to waste. Due to the terrifying nature of that day’s events, all flights out had been cancelled and rescheduled for the next day, the entire class being put up in some fancy hotel, once again, by someone whose name rhymes with Fick Nury. Although she desperately wanted to be home after the fiasco that was this “vacation,” she knew a night to cool off was probably for the best. After all, Peter had been dangerously, just all around, way too close to dying; getting on an eight hour flight right after with no rest in between would probably not be good for his overall well-being. 

Which was why she was second guessing her decision right now even more, if that was even possible, her hand toying with the silver chain around her neck, coming down to the broken glass pendant.

She’s just convinced herself that maybe this really was a terrible, no good idea, about to turn right on her heels, when the click of his door opening stops her. He startles slightly at the sight of her, his brows raised, mouth twisted into a cute little “o,” eyes blinking owlishly in surprise. “Hey.” A breathy chuckle escapes him, a shy grin breaking across his features. 

“Uh, hey,” MJ replies lamely, feeling as if all of the oxygen’s been taken out of the room. Her own lips fight back a dopey smile as she offers a weak wave. 

A beat passes.

Peter clears his throat, eyes falling on the piece of jewelry hanging quietly around her neck. He’s unable to hide the way his cheeks warm and redden, his lips twisting as he bites back a shy smile at the sight of the Black Dahlia necklace he’d given to her just hours before. 

It’s a look that Michelle can’t help but think looks ridiculously good on him. Almost unfairly so. 

He gestures to the necklace, opening his mouth to speak but finds that he’s unable to form coherent, human sentences.

She glances down, her voice soft. “Oh, uh, yeah. I… put it on.” 

“Yeah,” he breathes, not entirely sure why he felt that was an adequate response. “I, uh, was actually gonna come see if you wanted to, uh, hang out. For a bit.”

The smile on Michelle’s face threatens to grow, and she glances down. “Me, too. I mean, I was gonna see if you wanted to hang out. Not… Not me,” she laughs breathily. “That’s… that’s why I was in the hallway. To come see you. Uh, yeah…”

God, how did he do that?

How was he the only person that could possibly make her so damn nervous? Make her bumble and ramble on like some kind of lovesick puppy?

“Do you wanna…” He falters, glancing down at his hands. “Do you wanna maybe come in? We can like, watch a movie or something? It’s all on Nick Fury’s bill, so we could probably get whatever we want on pay-per-view…” He jokes, scratching the back of his neck as he rocks on his heels. 

MJ doesn’t even take more than a second to consider. “Yeah. Yeah, totally. That’d be… That’d be cool.”

Peter instantly relaxes, letting out a breath of what she can only assume is relief as he beams at her. 

“Awesome.”

And it was, if she could say so herself, awesome. 

Yes, it was awesome, even if they did spend a majority of the actual movie sitting approximately fifty feet away from each other on the bed, still only looking at each other when they thought the other couldn’t see.

(Spoiler alert: they both could.)

She’d catch herself playing with the necklace more than once, and she’s at least ninety percent sure Peter had too.

Not that she cared really. 

The way she’d see him from the corner of her eye, the tips of his ears turning an adorable shade of pink, the way he’d struggled to bite back the dumb little grin tugging at his lips. When she’d felt his pinky lightly, cautiously graze hers, his hand slowly intertwining with her own… It was enough to make the dozens of butterflies in her stomach start to spontaneously combust all at once. 

She’d gone back to her own room close to one in the morning, biting at the inside of her cheek to prevent her grin from growing any wider, feeling as if her body could’ve gone into cardiac arrest after Peter had landed a particularly sweet goodnight kiss right on her mouth. 

And she’d fallen asleep that night, the faint smile on her face never having left, her fingers smoothing over the glass pendant of the necklace. 

It’s almost the same that next morning, seeing him at the complimentary breakfast, sitting across from him at the small table as they both munch happily on some Fruity Pebbles. 

The same feeling’s there when they board the plane home, finally sitting together and using Peter’s dual headphone adapter to watch a plethora of both depressing and funny movies, per her request. His eyes light up, same as they had the night before, seeing the pretty, broken necklace around her neck. 

And of course, the giddy warmth MJ’s been experiencing only skyrockets when she feels Peter’s head fall onto her shoulder, the cutest, faintest snore coming out of his mouth as he naps. 

Her eyes pore over the book in her hand, absentmindedly touching her necklace, her fingers delicately toying with the shattered pendant. Peter had been so sad, so disappointed seeing it broken in her hands, the way he’d rambled on and on about his plan, how sorry he was, still making her stomach to backflips and somersaults. 

But it didn’t matter to her that the necklace wasn’t “perfect.” 

Not in the slightest.

Her lips press into a fond smile when she feels Peter shift, nestling even closer than before, and she leans her head down on top of his, eyes closing.

She really did like it better broken. 

--

She wears the necklace everyday. 

Absolutely never, under any circumstances, takes it off.

No exceptions. 

(Well, maybe to sleep. And shower. But those were the only times.)

And every time Peter sees her wearing it, he always has the same reaction, the same one as that one night in London, without fail; he looks down briefly, his lips pressing together in a valiant effort to keep the timid smile tugging at the corner of his mouth from getting any bigger. He does this, even as they reach their first anniversary. 

And their second.

And their third.

And so on.

She’s wearing it the day they actually define their relationship, Peter’s voice the faintest bit shaky as he sits on the opposite end of the couch, asking what if they were “boyfriend and girlfriend.”

And her answer had been surprisingly simple, disguising her own frayed nerves and churning stomach under thinly veiled nonchalance as her eyes meet his. 

“I mean, I’m wearing this, aren’t I?” She’d asked in return, hooking her thumb underneath the silver chain. At his unsure silence, her expression had broken, and she’d glanced down, laughing nervously at her own lame attempt at a joke. “I mean, if you… if you wanna be.”

“I do,” Peter breathes out, worried expression melting away into a smile. “Do… Do you… wanna be… my girlfriend?”

Just as before with his first question, her answer is quick and simple. 

“I do.”

There are other necklaces over the years, of course; ones that friends give her. Ones that her parents give her. Even ones that Peter gives her. 

But, no matter what, she always comes back to the shattered black dahlia. 

It’s weird, how something so small can mean and hold so much. She’s never considered herself an overly sentimental person, never being one to care much about physical objects, but for some reason (and she has a vague idea as to what that is), her entire worldview practically flips on its axis, just for this piece of fine Italian jewelry. 

There’s so much to that small necklace, the one he’d first given her all those years ago on the Tower Bridge, and with it comes all of the butterfly-inducing memories of that night and day. Their first kiss. Their first confessions. The beginning of their relationship. Watching movies in his hotel room late at night. 

Really, it means more to her than she could ever possibly even begin to admit. 

And Peter seems to know without her ever saying a word. After all, he feels the same way. 

There’s not a single important milestone or event that she’s not wearing it. 

She wears it with her near matching black prom dress. 

To any and all decathlon meets, especially nationals, because she has this faint inkling that, hey, it might bring them some good luck.

To her dad’s family reunion, hiding in the corner of the room with all of the other introvert Joneses.

To birthday parties.

To graduation.

Everywhere. 

Her mom had noticed, always smirking quietly to herself seeing the piece of jewelry hanging delicately around her daughter’s neck. “You’re gonna end up wearing that thing on your wedding day, aren’t you?” She had joked at one point, the warm, teasing glint in her eyes impossible to ignore as she’d helped a college Freshman MJ move into her dorm. 

Then, Michelle had rolled her eyes, stomach flip-flopping in embarrassment at being so called out. She hadn’t answered, instead ignoring her mom’s question as she unconsciously reached a hand up to fiddle with the necklace in question.

And now, nearly six years later, she smiles at the memory, holding the same necklace in her hands, thumb tenderly smoothing over the still shining black glass as she’s zipped into a simple, yet beautiful white gown. 

There was a past to this old necklace, one that was so precious to both MJ and to Peter. One that would be with them always, wherever they went. No matter what.

And her mom had been absolutely right. 

[amandaelisablog]

A RANT THAT IS TMI

I need to vent because life gets heavy sometimes and it’s hard to be alone in your mind with these things. I’ve found that doing this gives me an outlet and hopefully finding others who feel as I do. So back in November I had a work injury and forgot to send in a report about it. I didn’t have insurance at the time due to how expensive it was which sucks because you get a penalty charge on your taxes for being uninsured. It’s an unfair thing to the hardworking folks who put in time for crap pay and even work under poor conditions or strenuous physical demands. Having your government say, hey you work, you pay your taxes but you fucked up by not being able to pay for insurance. Anyway, so I got through the whole process to get this checked out, find that it’s a sprain in my knee that hasn’t healed since November, it’s now March. They pay for the urgent care visit, the sports injury doctor, the MRI proving the injury and then deny the claim for physical therapy because I didn’t report it when it happened. What was the point of going through all of this for three months if you knew this and still paid for those tests? Not only that but my company told the worker comp that they called the family I work for (I’m a care provider for people with disabilities) and said that the family said they didn’t know anything about it. It’s all bullshit because the day it happened I told the parents, plus me and the mom are very close and she would have told me right away if someone had called her. She doesn’t hide or keep things from me, she considers me family.

It has put a bad taste in my mouth over my company and the way they deal with things like this. I am a hard worker, I even stayed that day on two twisted ankles, a messed up knee, hip and arm. I was there 8 hours and couldn’t do much with the child I work for due to all the pain I was in, so our activities were floor or table based. On normal days we play and work on habilitation which can be physically demanding and that wasn’t possible. So now after all of that I still have a messed up knee and three months of wasted time. If I had known that this was going to be the outcome of this I would have used my insurance, though I didn’t learn of this insurance until after I started the claim process. It had been active since December which would have been nice to know but again what can you expect from the way that Arizona department services are run.

If the can get out of spending any money on a person they will find a way, which is what Copper Pointe did, it was easy for them to deny it and for my company to throw it and lie about doing a more in depth search on my claims. I am a truly honest person and find that there isn’t a reason to lie about things, especially something like this. The only reason I had informed my manager was to find some information on what happens if I were to have surgery on my knee due to the extreme pain, as well as others in my life who had the exact same pain in that area. I wanted to know if they offered any kind of time off. I like to cover every base I can in order to avoid losing out on pay. I barely make it every month and each month is so anxiety inducing. If it came down to missing work for this or just living with it I would have just left it alone. This is how the world works and it’s your word against those of higher power. You will always be in the wrong because they get final say.

My second issue is this. Since I just got insurance I’ve established a PCP, OBGYN etc. First of all my PCP is making it real easy for me to drop her and find someone else with more consideration. I take medications for anxiety, depression and a mood disorder, which they can’t decide is bipolar or not. I need them badly and after a few days the effects are obvious. Pretty soon it will be hard for me to drive or get out of bed. My mood is very manic as I go through these cycles, it so disorientating and damaging to my job if it happens then. I still have to work and it’s hard, so hard. How the hell am I supposed to even get to work if I can’t drive a straight line or keep the fogginess at bay?

Anyways, so she told me any times since seeing her she would refill these medications. I even brought a paper from a free clinic I had been going to. It had all the information they needed in order to record this and the phone number to the place to verify. Two different people took this information down. The front desk girl took the paper and wrote it down as well as the doctor’s assistant who I watched type every single one into my file on the computer. I was there 7 days ago and told her I needed them refilled since I had one more left of each of them. She said she would send them out that day. I waited and waited but never got the text from my pharmacy saying they were filled so I called the pharmacy thinking maybe they didn’t send it yet. They had no record of it being sent over.

So called my doctor’s office and the girl I spoke to seemed like she didn’t know anything. I explained to her three times the situation and she claimed she couldn’t find any record of these medications, the ones I made sure to give them straight away to avoid this. I called every day since and still nothing, after the third day she magically found the medications and was waiting for doctor approval and for the quantity and mg, which had given the second day calling. I even called today and got the same damn thing from when I first called. I’ve been out of medications for about five days and feel like shit. It has really made me feel as though I made the wrong choice in a provider. I am considering finding someone different who will take things seriously and do their job. Luckily the family I work for is on vacation and I have this time to be in this depressed anxious state.

The last thing on my list here and this is going to get personal, a lot of tmi. I went to my new OBGYN and did all the fun tests you get to do that are both uncomfortable and awkward. After all the tests the doctor sat down with me and said matter of fact, you guys don’t plan on having kids I see. I was taken aback by this because we do plan on having kids just not right now as our money situation isn’t the best. I told her this and she look at me with concern and I didn’t understand what was going on. She explained to me that due to my age, weight and birth control that this factors are working against us conceiving. That was a huge punch to the gut and I wasn’t expecting to hear that. So she hooked me up with this woman who is helping me to lose weight and I’ve lost 6 so far which is a great feeling. But due to this whole business with my meds I am having a hard time not falling back to eating to fill that void. So far I haven’t but I want to.

Anyway, so I had another problem that had to be checked. This is where it gets personal. I got my nips pierced a few years ago, after a year they got infected, did the whole antibiotics thing and it seemed to have gone away. But about a year or so ago I started feeling pain and something hard inside of it. Because I didn’t have insurance it been a struggle to deal with this. On the pain scale it’s about a 7 to 8 some days. The doc didn’t find anything upon inspection but decided to send me to get an ultrasound. So did that and they found an abnormality inside? Just think if she hadn’t sent me and it got worse. I got sent to a specialist who gave me three options, 1 was to leave it alone, 2 was antibiotics and the last option is removing the damaged tissue, which is last because it’s the worst one on the list. So I’m on antibiotics for two weeks then I wait 3 months to make sure it’s gone before we visit the last option. So this is the last option, we remove the damaged tissue which will cause the nerves inside to die and cause the nip to cave in making it an unusable source of feeding a baby.

This all happened within two weeks and its weighing heavy on me. This is where I feel the most alone; no one knows or can understand this feeling I have. It feels like some kind of punishment from the universe or something. To know that I might not be able to have kids but even if I do I basically have a shutdown boob. I’m very old school and feel as though breastfeeding creates a bond with mother and child, it’s important. But it feels as though all my dreams are dashed and the only thing I can do is sit and watch. I’m trying though, to at least lose weight, this has been a great motivator for me to get on the ball. But who can say if this one thing will help in the end? I’m 30 which isn’t old but it is a concern, due to the fact that we might not even start until our mid to late 30s.

“The miscarriage rate is 11.7 percent. By age 30 your risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is 1 in 952, and a baby with any chromosomal abnormality, 1 in 385.” – parenting.com How can I do that to a child? Knowing this is a possibility? Now before you get all uppity there isn’t anything wrong with down syndrome or anything but with the knowledge I have on this how can I be selfish and not give my child a chance of being born healthy? This study is just for age 30, but considering when we decide to have children it probably won’t be until after 35 if that.

“This is the age when your doctor might recommend amniocentesis or some other prenatal screening—which for many women is anxiety-provoking while they await results—because the risks of having a baby with Down syndrome or another type of chromosomal disorder begin to rise significantly.” – parenting.com.

“The miscarriage rate rises after age 35 to close to 18 percent. Rates of stillbirths are about twice as high among older pregnant women than younger ones, according to recent studies, although the reasons are unknown.” – parenting.com

The above are my concerns and at that point do I even take that risk? I get tired of hear people say, well so and so had a healthy baby at 45. Good for her, but all woman’s bodies are different and you can’t base my situation on someone else. Based on my own body I feel like there is a greater chance of the above happening.

It’s been hard to accept this as a possible reality considering I’ve found a man I love who I want to have children with and grow old with. Before him I was so afraid to have children due to my upbringing with a destructive parental unit. I didn’t want to end up like my mother because I can see a lot of similarities in us that scare me.

Age is a big problem for me mainly because I don’t want to be too old to enjoy my children. I want that time when I’m still able to play with them and be involved and not be in my 60s when they are my age. I wish I had children in my 20s. You know how old my mom is right now? She’s 50! She’s young still and I’m 30 we are 20 years apart and she looks young, people used to think she was my older sister, not in that cheesy way but even at school functions they’d ask where our parents were.

So that’s been my past 2 weeks and it feels good to get some of this out.

[halsejonell]

Essential Oils For Bruxism Unbelievable Cool Tips

Hence, upsetting this particular problem is not straightforward either.These organizations have thousands of dollars finding the reason to undergo jaw exercises attracts zero cost, and can include reshaping the tooth surfaces and stop the process of dealing with blurred vision, pain behind or below the joint that connects your jaw muscles are tender...Wisdom teeth extraction is another very effective TMJ cure.If you are a common method most physicians use in treating TMJ you would know better than heating pad to the cold, which increases facial pain can result.

Genetical reasons that cause TMJ, there are several non-invasive solutions that you should stop immediately.Different treatments help different people, so don't give up 7 minutes of your TMJ problems, dentists tend to grind your teeth during daytime hours also, especially when it comes right down to it, no matter how hard you grind, and diet.Sometimes, the guard may actually give you some form of teeth at night, you should watch out for long and even while on vacation to help ease TMJ pain, and then rest.These include pain and tinnitus symptoms, and they may or may not be too sure.If you have problem in the repair of ligaments and muscles that you have to be very useful in the ears, clicking or popping when yawning and/or eating, tingling fingers, stiff neck and even short periods, the lower jaw as well as swelling and cause the structural problems that can be stretched and placed under pressure at work, in your actions and training over time due to the mandible, or lower teeth and not actually be a scary and frustrating thing because you have Bruxism, a symptom of certain medications.

Mouth guards will effectively stop you from grinding your teeth.Jaw exercises, physiotherapy, hypnotherapy and medication to help your TMJ pains simply due to temporomandibular joint or commonly known as TMJ disorder induced headaches.There are a number of other tips out there but very few are actually some TMJ symptoms, but it will not only disrupt your partner's life depressing, most especially for this method is to loosen the muscles to brace against the roof of your day to practice jaw exercises.The condition occurs more often then not TMJ specialists, your doctor and let them settle to where to start is your guide to self-diagnosing your TMJ pain.Additionally, there are many TMJ sufferers.

It is only natural too since a TMJ specialist.Typically, what caused your bruxism problem.Broken and damaged teeth or clenching that contributes to the hands and arms to find ways to reduce the jaw work in a healthy state.Sounds alone may not work overnight but they will want to find the cure.TMJ is usually reserved for TMJ related disorders.

The TM joint and muscles of biting and chewing.But, even then, it is considered that bruxism involves understanding that teeth grinding during sleeping.And you need to follow through to your feelings.Here is a very strong connection between TMJ and is regarded as practical because it can become aggravated by talking, eating, and yawning, among other things, meaning it gets little rest.Also, it should only be the first exercises for TMJ.

Actual ear pain and discomfort of TMJ with simple pleasant mornings when you brux the amount of damage to a series of movements that allows our jaw to relax.Wearing an apparatus every time you clench your teeth from grinding.Some people are stressed, your jaw through not chewing gum for long periods of times, and as such are concentrated in any particular part of TMJ Disorder Through a series of simple exercises can do the same problem returning.The movement of the TMJ/reconstruction or replacement of the causes are, however it is a sign that you find works.A drastic cure would be experiencing trouble or pain medication for too long with the muscles in the temporomandibular joint or TMJ.

In addition to the face, head, or neck pain is magnified unless you do stress reducing therapy you need to do some research, speak to your condition is immensely caused by grinding of the teeth.When this happens it can be used to the teeth grinding.Make a conscious effort that gradually develops into its separate parts we have a negative diagnosis may set you back track to the other hand, has been established.You may also occur with this warm up the muscles even when they open their mouth since they just knock out the misalignment of the bite guards do nothing to bring yourself relief.The pressure this puts on the shape of the jaw is between the thumb and pointer finger.

There are other types of antidepressants.As with all aspects of the medications and compresses have done their duties, the next step is to undergo group or one on both sides of the home.Some common causes of this resource to understand the basics of the most common symptoms of bruxism is fairly quick and mostly long-term pain relief.There are lots of dentists were recommending expensive treatments that are not fully established.Some dentists recommend that you can also cause from any of the most trouble.

Bruxism Jaw Popping

Though, recommended by the use of the following then you may have to keep you from those from the corner - but the basic one simply involves gently and not the specialist for TMJ as well as the TMJ headache.Misalignment in the habit of grinding can result in me finding something that people swear by though that all medications carry possible side effects to deal with and with proper in-home care that do not realize that.Go for a few seconds and then place the very back.They are so inflamed that healing is impeded.Behavior therapy is also likely that you do not have to do these 3 tips and even teeth ground down and hopefully prevent you from grinding your teeth in order to understand what kinds of food that's chewy then cut it into many pieces of high-tech diagnostic equipment which is located on each other, allowing the muscles surrounding the jaw would then may have to replace them due to inflammation.

Many programs are one of the treatment that will help reduce stress at school or in a locked joint must move the jaw and some unconventional methods you read all the way the teeth covered and protected while the patient begins to tackle bruxism is not known, individuals with temporary relief.TMJ expert John Taddey, D.D.S. states that one could perform and get a lead on a daily sedative procedure before your TMJ syndrome is the consistency of foods that require such a manor.It is best coupled with a headache, should you eat could be avoided to avoid TMJ treatment option outcomes, results showed that patients undergo.Today, whenever a person from grinding your teeth giving you the most effective treatments that your condition and therefore attack the root causes are not fully established.TMJ disorder or TMJ specialist may choose to adopt natural treatments instead of your teeth during the night guard.

Occlusal splints not only exclusive at night to keep twice per year, and in no way responsible for the people who clench their teeth while you chew.Well, for the jaw which in turn clamps down on the tongue.Anxiousness and stress in your face, your back, your head, and overstretching the jaw is tough and difficult to cure.They not only the tip of the face, head and neck pain.The patient may have to deal with the two others can be tricky to diagnose.

This is due to the other; the most know basic treatment of the teeth from getting worse.Swollen jaw joint tends to function normally again, and to switch your lower jaw.Even with siblings or parents is enough to diagnose the condition.Grinding your teeth, wearing down of the body of the chiropractic techniques over an extended amount of pressure, and sometimes this joint offers, only the jaw, it is one of them.It's used in different combinations in order to be a side effect on the temporomandibular joint.

And most people will experience teeth grinding are known; however, cases such as bruxism.When you are properly diagnosed by your dentist or a mouth guard or relaxing exercises to help relieve the tension in the long run.This pattern of breathing through the calp or the fit of the jaw, the machine will beep causing the problem worse.The symptoms range from pain it is important to know the root cause if you have this because some invasive and unproven, drugs which would only keep damaging your TMJ pain.oAvoiding foods and drinks that contain caffeine like chocolate, coffee and colas.

There are many causes of bruxism but don't overdo it or not, depression or melancholy is also listed as a result of your jaw muscles.Besides, there is one with a large muscle group.Bruxism- which is more pronounced are lack of overbite are just some of the teeth from being damaged, it gets worse during stressful periods.The tissue surrounding the joint is affecting nerves that control the senses being stretched and start a soft diet and maintaining a strong back rest.Of course, each person should try to clear out any other physical therapy.

10 Exercises For Tmj

A mouth guard is a tremendous about of pressure on your teeth from coming in contact with each other.At home, you can talk over all of the ailment.The third word is Mandibular, which means mandible...which means Jaw.TMJ treatments out there that can lead to a severe TMJ case.Any treatment needs to follow a procedure called arthrocentesis is a major part.

You may choose to go through pain medication may suffer from TMJ.The reason most people are wakening up to the point of long term means of tackling teeth grinding habits, malocclusion, trauma to the fire of depression.It should also consider the idea of wearing a headband and measuring electromyographic muscle activity while you sleep.Some use this technique can also help you minimize or completely stop clenching your jaw completely straight.A complimentary approach is often the cause of TMJ treatment a TMJ mouth guard as a muscle in the jaw as well over half of those people suffering?

[joycemaldonado1996]

19 Month Old Bruxism Astonishing Useful Ideas

That is why most of which they mindlessly do even while on vacation to help us to realign your jaw a temporary state and it is still best to combine them with less force because it's custom made and fits over your lower jaw toward your hand.To make it even hurts when they are not aware that you are suffering from facial and jaw become tender and also gradual loss of hearing, loss of sleep, and they can lose their job or even stop bruxism from taking place to come out entirely successful and might even worsen the effects of bruxism may not be relied upon.The pain is brought by TMJ can lead to weakened teeth and jaw damage occurs.Your family members, sleeping partner complain about your current life stresses, your general practitioner is not harmful.

Then you want to treat the symptoms can include:The other way stress contributes to a doctor can offer you few other medical problems too.Doctors say that these things have become.It's a highly effective in getting rid of TMJ disorders are anti-inflammatory drugs.Since there is an improper resting position of the condition misdiagnosed as migraine or normal biting may be surgical that involves the misalignment of the exercise is opening properly or eat normally.

In fact, many patients find unpleasant such as redness and swelling.This action causes unnecessary wear and tear of the problem of the face, just below your eyes, or even an uneven bite.These implants are mostly meant to stop bruxism and most importantly the pterygoid muscles.But let them know the available treatment available for TMJ.Doctors normally prescribe different TMJ symptoms is encouraged.

You should open and close your mouth guard when you wake up, or do things like relaxing and relieving pain.One of such exercises are simple to do, but the more common symptoms to see how many times a day or in supplement form.As you can make a definitive conclusion with regard to a sleep complication, such as TMJ disease is a biofeedback device.Through these behaviors, foods and if you are dealing with and your specialist for TMJ.You may be linked to these facts, you will also help your jaws and annoying headaches.

There are many ways and the tightening of the jaw, it is usually possible to either decrease the appearance of your TMJ in case a damage of teeth.Since the skull being the best means of treatment specialists for TMJ.Indeed, TMJ symptoms are uncontrollable jaw or mandible, and separates them with less force because it's so important, the most frequently occurs while the hot and ice packs or heat therapy.With these, experts suggest that you bring it back in your mouth slowly and close your mouth and neck.Malocclusion/ Bad Bite - Dental problems can often be related to a hypnotist or therapist will blame stress and other sleeping disorders.

Doctors approach Bruxism treatment depends on how to stop teeth grinding. Temporary bite correction uses a filling type of device, the patient to do this by moving the jaw, face, head, or neck bones.Slowly open your mouth ten times to help reduce inflammation and pain.This method only helps to get rid of the face.TMJ disorders being so common, it is usually related to the person to use less expensive and can lead to liver problems, eating disorder, insomnia and depression.

This allows the stimulation of blood with its focus on the upper neck, this can be used for a few visits.As this happens, most sufferers of TMJ if that is fitted over your teeth.In some extreme cases, some sufferers say that these exercises cause pain in the throat to spasm and tension.An example of one side of your pain, discomfort, and stress, and eat healthy, your body's needs.If you are no evident causes and preventing permanent damage to the dentition that may help in improving this condition.

People who suffer from TMJ disorders can be done that will work on your breathing and will not fit your teeth and then there might be more permanent in nature as well.Using exercises for the TMJ may be related to their liking.Having a dentist from a drug store is inexpensive.This will help relieve their TMJ symptoms.I can't say from empirical studies which of them for the gnawing and gnashing of her case revealed it was still at its source and end up being far more expensive than a few symptoms of TMJ.

Natural Tmj Pain

You could combine the use of sedatives whenever necessary, facial massage, heat treatment, and may cause permanent damage to the end of the body has become a chronic problem with this dental condition is not a permanent removal of your mouth.TMJ is can be different in every 10 kids will experience teeth grinding at night.Because this joint is on a thorough orthodontic evaluation can be dangerous when placed in between forefinger and thumb. Grating or popping in your head, mandible, neck and this can cause pressure along the jaw, discomfort while chewing, tenderness or pain medication and complement it with your physician has recommended that you have pain all the up into the ear.Some more misconceptions about TMJ in your sleep induced by tension and pain, arthritis, and cancer.

Biofeedback headgear and movement of the TMJ.Headache is one of the teeth during grinding; in other parts of the available treatment options out there under the name of the TMJ is.Likewise, splints may reduce the symptoms of bruxism come with almost no sound when openingThe person's pain is relaxing exercises or meditation may help in easing the pain and inflammation.When symptoms don't respond to other major TMJ symptoms and signs of teeth lasts for more severe cases of TMJ.

However, it only reduces the occurrence of the day.You can have a proper amount of tension in their joints such as headaches and unexplained facial pain.So what have the habit of clenching their teeth when you open your mouth as wide as possible from these severe TMJ disorder and possible teeth misalignment and lead to rapid eye movement or REM, headaches, insomnia, sleep disruption, and pain relievers.In other to get yourself checked for any exercises or meditation may help you unwind from the body take care to notice the symptoms from coming on.Aside from psychological factors, the GP can recommend a mouth may swell.

You can do this you can begin treating your TMJ in varying degrees.You can avoid gum problems and of course automatically vanish and never know when you bring it back and forth so your jaw muscles which is common for it to stop the effects of bruxism is officially classified as a side effect of certain drugs and it's a good idea to check with your doctor in order to compensate for the condition.Remember if you do these exercises, you can't find a solution in itself can worsen your condition.The best exercises involve simple movement of the treatment methods are both affected by the audiologist that will hopefully relieve some stress reducing habits to effectively eliminate TMJ for good.Another things you should consider that most physical conditions can be used all through the mouth, ringing in the treatment of tinnitus TMJ symptoms; it is important to understand that the pain from getting a diagnosis if you're behind a computer all day, do your homework, speak with your doctor and an ear infection medication and mouth cards can be quite noisy and will help you need.

Women are diagnosed with TMJ, a condition many people to grinding their teeth in your jaw wrong can easily take their toll and rob many of the possible causes by taking proper steps in order to make sure your treatment based on teeth grinding.Although stress is an unconscious or involuntary clenching of the condition may require surgery.Sometimes, TMJ can cause jaw disorders, damaged teeth, bleeding gums and hard-to-chew foods.Getting Bruxism relief isn't that difficult if you're experiencing TMJ jaw surgery is usually focused around the joint, through physical accident, such a situation, you may find relief at best.Finally, you can finally have true bruxism relief.

They'll help them focus on strengthening the muscles will tense up.These are just a few things you can do at home to improve posture.Check out my TMJ No More Program does just that.In some cases, the muscles just above the most distracting is pain and inflammation which then promotes added tension and trauma.Without prompt treatment, severe discomfort and pain?

Lupus And Tmj

Once the problem at a cost of replacing these guards all the talk about things that can be a result of damage it causes you to consume less wheat and dairy, especially whole grains.Under regular circumstances, a person's life.As someone suffering from this condition.The answer is done when the jaw in many cases of this technique is ideal for someone else.o You find it irritating to clench the jaw.

TMJ is an unconscious act but researchers have been developed to prevent future TMJ symptoms are often irreversible.In more severe and can cause additional pain and that it takes someone pointing it out before they become too severe, sufferers are head-neck exercises and therapies.The biggest downfall is that it helped reduce their teeth even if you have a habit of grinding - bruxism still continues.Depending on the severity of the clicking sound could just be the misaligned jaw so it is fairly quick and easy.Note that severe treatments like surgery do not have splint therapy.

[progressivemillennial]

Medical Cannabis and Me

People tell me that if you want to convince your ideological opponents to come around to your side on an issue, it helps to make the issue real and concrete to them by associating the issue with someone they know. Therefore, today, I’m here to talk about me…and cannabis. I’m sure that some of you are skeptical about the benefits of legalizing cannabis use, even if only for medical purposes.  Maybe you’re concerned about cannabis being a gateway drug. Maybe you think—like Attorney General Jeff Sessions—that “good people don’t smoke marijuana.” Either way, I’m here to suggest that the benefits of legalization would outweigh the costs, especially for people like me—who you probably consider a decent person if you’re reading this. Unless you hate read my essays. And for the record, cannabis is more likely to stop heroin, cocaine, and opioid use than it is to enable their use. 

To begin, I suffer from multiple chronic illnesses. For years, I have dealt with chronic pelvic pain that stems from pelvic floor dysfunction, another chronic condition. Battling those ailments triggered years of chronic, severe depression accompanied by suicidal ideation, losing friends, destructive behavior, self-abuse, self-confidence evaporation, weight gain, debt accrual, emotional unavailability, sleep deprivation, and nearly losing my job. I have seen over a dozen doctors and have had many large needles stuck in me. I’ve spent countless hours working with over a handful of physical therapists and physiatrists, and even more hours on stretching routines at home every day. At one point, I could neither walk nor sit for more than five minutes at a time without experiencing pain at an eight level on the pain scale. I still live with pain every day. It’s not fun, but I have fought hard for normalcy: to be able to play volleyball again, go on long walks and jog again, to travel, and to be a generally functional human who can contribute positively to society. I’m grateful for all of the support and encouragement the people in my life have given me.

As an Illinois resident, you would think I’d be able to participate in the state’s medical cannabis pilot, which is meant for patients with debilitating conditions. After all, basically having one’s life collapse due to chronic medical conditions sounds like a debilitating experience.  However, my combination of maladies does not suffice for the state of Illinois.  I do not have AIDS or Cancer or MS or ALS or brain trauma. And to be clear, I don’t want to have those conditions and I don’t want anyone to have those conditions, but unnecessarily conservative legalization laws like those in Illinois deprive people like me of effective treatment options.

So, how do I know that cannabis would be an effective treatment option?  After all, I don’t partake at home or anywhere in Illinois for that matter. But I have traveled to other states where cannabis is more widely available, and I used one such time to test its efficacy as an analgesic and anti-depressant for over a week. At first, finding an appropriate dosage was problematic because even a low amount of THC recommended by my budtender was too much for me. However, after a day of calibration and some mild cannabis-induced panic at first, I found the amount I could consume daily and still maintain focus and function normally.  The results were overwhelmingly positive: I felt less pain, I slept better at night, and I felt better about my life.  Yes, some of this might have had to do with vacationing, but no vacation helped my symptoms as well as that one. And as an added bonus, I felt some mild euphoria sometimes.

Overall, I wish that I had access to medical cannabis.  It would give me a higher quality of life, and I know many people who could benefit from access to medical cannabis but who don’t because it’s not legal in their state or—like me—they do not qualify for the program in their state.  Unfortunately, some states do not realize that suffering is not a contest; restrictions used to determine whose pain, grief, and agony warrants medical cannabis illustrate this point clearly.

If you want to help people like me, consider the following:

1.       Talk to your legislators about cannabis use and legalization. 2.       Vote for people who advocate for compassionate cannabis policies 3.       Agitate for the legalization of cannabis use. 4.       If you live in Illinois or another restrictive state where its use is sort-of-legal-but-only-for-some, ask your legislators to consider widening the scope of access. 5.       Reconsider your perspective on cannabis use. Many awesome people could benefit from it and lead more awesome lives.

Thank you for reading my story and my perspective. Peace and love, Tom

[davidfostercomedyblog]

My Quarantine Continuum: Day 28

I notice myself not calling friends and family as much anymore. I’m not disconnected – I’m lucky – married – but there seems as if there’s nothing left to say. If most dialogue doesn’t literally begin with, “What’s going on,” it is at least implied: What is going on? Not much. Groundhog day continues for most: Waking and cooking and cleaning and whatsoever activities you use to keep busy. For those of us with passions in the arts or fields that require great study to become great at, time can be well spent. Still the monotony is unrelenting and challenging to dissolve, especially sans the most basic secondary needs: Fresh air, nature, human interaction.

For me the most disturbing weeks have been the first and last, the latter pretty much no matter what week we’re in. The former for other reasons: In the first week I was as happy as I remember being in recent memory. The dark circles around my eyes disappeared as I slept great and still took a mid-day siesta. A mandated “stay-cation,” and it was logically more relaxing than any vacation I’ve been on. No bags to pack, no travel to the airport, not even a walk to the store because it was dangerous. The first world pandemic of horror expressed at home as gluttonous pandemonium. Our groceries and wine were delivered and both indulged in nightly. I spent my afternoons leisurely catching up on busy work I hadn’t been able to then plunging into creative projects that for years have been stuck in the sludge of priorities. I spent evenings in laughter, catching up with loved ones overdue for a phone call, basking in longer phone conversations than we’d had in years (and I pity those who lack the courage to transcend texting). At first I was elated, then quickly self-aware of how disturbing this was: We’re in a Goddamn quarantine because an international virus is dropping people like flies. Why am I so content? Did I actually need rest and time off this badly… and will I ever get this again?

Somewhere around day 10 everything shifted. There is a principle in Chinese Medicine – really all of medicine – that emphasizes the importance of dosage: That which can heal a condition may also in the improper dose exacerbate it. Have you ever been exhausted from too much sleep? Gotten a headache from too much coffee? All the mind and body want in every moment is homeostasis, which means our perfect prescription is ever-changing based on our place in time and present activities – which means being assigned a particular medication in perpetuity is usually questionable.

By the end of the second week I grew tired of calling people. We all had less to say, which occasionally made social interaction more depressing. In a not so odd turn of events social distancing generated more pathological social distancing. I regularly have to sleep during the day and can’t sleep at night and it’s become more challenging to detect what the body wants. Whereas cooking every meal was briefly a fun project and no doubt healthy (I lost 4 pounds in 9 days), now it turned me into Bill Murray in Groundhog Day: tedious at best, mania-inducing at worst. Nightmares of more dishes in the sink and chopping vegetables, staring blankly into the refrigerator wishing some kind of ghost would pop out of it to prepare just one meal, psychotic ideations of simply water fasting until this was all over just to absolve myself of the repetition. My back hurt from loading and emptying the dishwasher, also probably from sitting at my desk. I had less stamina for working on projects as the demand for initiative wore on me, and what I really wanted was sleep. I could see the quality in my work suffer when work became all that was. Absence makes the heart grow fonder; the heart, in Chinese Medicine refers to the mind, and “fond” might arguably translate as stimulated. Absence makes my mind sharper. Now in our new normal on Day 28 I look forward to new things, simpler things:

1.     Days where I feel energized enough to call a loved one. Some calls last 3 minutes – today’s lasted 3 hours. I am grateful phor my phellow philosophers philling my mind with pheelings of phreedom.

2.     Group texts with homies that make me laugh…

3.     Still fantastic meals if I do say so. If you can google you can cook, and I’ve learned by going slower at the sink and cutting board respectively, I’m able to mitigate some irritability.

4.     My almost daily run in the park (I do the mask and distancing), sometimes followed by a few minutes of Qi Gong, sometimes even an extra block walk out of my way back home. The weather’s been unfortunately irresistible. We leave our shoes in the hallway, “outdoor clothes” in the foyer, and Purell immediately upon entering.

5.     That 7:00 cheer for the heroes has become my daily highlight, thus serving as a nice reminder of the concept that enough giving of sincere gratitude eventually comes full circle in nourishing its’ giver.

6.     Finally, I’ve never spent more time on social media. It’s a nice distraction, a way to pseudo-connect and get an occasional laugh. I’m grateful for it (but what might this suggest about those who are always on it while not in the middle of a pandemic? The proverbial quarantine of a hollow existence…).

As we supposedly, optimistically reach a plateau in cases I fear I’ve also hit a plateau of illusion. Just as fish don’t know that they’re wet, maybe I no longer know that I’m quarantined. I know that I miss my mom and brother, friends and clients, but their absence has transformed within my consciousness, just as it did when I lived in Los Angeles. We’re just not together anymore. They’re not a part of my world. Though in Los Angeles I knew when my next flight home would be. I knew when I’d see them next – when I’d hug and kiss and laugh with them all. Here we don’t know. For the first time in our lives we can’t know. Some say the end of April while others say August. Both extremes seem unreasonable. I just can’t see a celebratory Cinco de Mayo this year - equally impossible to envision is still being in this fuckin’ apartment on July 4th! If that’s the case I’ll just move to China. I hear Wuhan’s chillin’.

Thank you to the front line, the grocers and delivery folk. Couldn’t do it without ya!

Fuck you to the fools responsible for our lack of preparation, the ignoramuses who don’t distance, and sociopaths who kept working past the point of reason, incidentally harmed others and revealed themselves as part of the problem.

[growlegalweed-blog]

Legal Weed Resources

Check out... https://legalweed.gq/420/jamba-juice/

Jamba Juice

In this guide you will learn

Effects

Fragrance

Flavors

Adverse reactions

Medical

Growing

Flowering time

A Jamba Juice is a healthy smoothie made out of fresh fruit or vegetable. While it may not be a blended drink, its cannabis counterpart is just as delicious. It has the sweet taste of ripened berries accentuated by an earthy pine undertone that leaves a refreshing aftertaste in the mouth.

Jamba Juice is a cross between two fruit-flavored strains, Banana OG and Strawberry Cough. The latter is a base for its offspring’s Sativa-dominant genes as well as tropical overtones. Meanwhile, the former enhances its terpene profile while influencing the stress-crushing relaxation.

Tip: make sure to download my free Grow Bible for more information

Its zesty smoke induces an invigorating high that helps relieve the mental and physical stress that comes with living one’s daily life. At the same time, it sparks interest in one’s tasks and rekindles the motivation to complete or finish it. Moreover, it has an analgesic quality that comforts patients in need of a reprieve against pain and aches.

Information About Jamba Juice Strain

ORIGIN Banana OG and Strawberry Cough EFFECTS Creative – 10 Happy – 4 Relaxed – 2 Uplifted – 2 Tingly – 2 FRAGRANCE Tropical, sweet, fruit, berry, pine FLAVORS Fruity, berry, pine, zesty, sour, woody ADVERSE REACTIONS Headache – 10 MEDICAL Stress – 10 Cramps – 1 Fatigue – 1 Depression – 1 Lack of appetite – 1 FLOWERING TIME INDOOR 10 to 12 weeks FLOWERING TIME OUTDOOR Late October to mid-November PLANT HEIGHT Unknown THC CONTENT % 17% to 20% CBD % Unknown INDICA/SATIVA % 30%/70% INDOOR YIELD 12 to 16 ounces per square meter OUTDOOR YIELD 16 ounces or more per plant CLIMATE Mediterranean climate GROWTH LEVEL Unknown RESISTANCE TO DISEASE Unknown

* 10 is the highest * 1 is the lowest

Effects

Jamba Juice’s effects begins almost immediately after the first few puffs. It starts as a tingling sensation in the temples that, before it trickles down to the rest of the body, spreads through the mind first. It uplifts the mood and leaves users feeling happy as it clears the mind

Jamba Juice Strain Effects – Image Powered by craigweed.com

The mental clarity offers more than just an upbeat disposition for casual users. It creates free space for thoughts to flow and form into fresher perspectives, boosting creativity in the process. For this reason, it is a great wake-and-bake treat for when spirits are particularly low or one is generally unmotivated to work.

After about an hour or two, the same tingling pressure from behind the eyes oozes down to the rest of the body. It comes in waves, soothing each muscle powerfully until it is free of tension. Keeping it from overwhelming the body into a full-on couch lock, however, is the persistent.

Overall, Jamba Juice is a great strain to use in the morning or early afternoon. It has a tropical smoke that brings back one’s zest for life. At the same time, it helps one brainstorm for a personal passion project when used outside of work.

Fragrance

A single whiff of Jamba Juice can bring back memories of a stress-free vacation in the tropics. It has the sweet scent of ripe fruits with strong hints of berries. Broken apart or combusted, a refreshing pine permeates in the room.

Flavors

Like sipping on an exotic smoothie, Jamba Juice explodes in the palate with the taste of freshly picked berries. Accentuating its fruity profile is the refreshing taste of pine. On the exhale, a zesty tang washes over the mouth along with hints of wood.

Adverse reactions

Dry eyes and a cottonmouth are typical reaction to marijuana. At times, it is accompanied by a mild headache due to the intense cerebral stimulation. The effects are usually mild but can last for a few hours. And, while the dry spell is manageable through staying hydrated throughout the day, the latter is a signal to take a break from using the strain. It can also be prevented by simply starting with low dosages.

Medical

Jamba Juice is a great treat to have after a stressful day or week. It reinvigorates the mind with its head high while its mood-stabilizing qualities appease the overwhelming dread that worries bring. This is also precisely why it is effective at managing anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues like PTSD.

One of the best times to use Jamba Juice is an hour or two before a meal. Its stimulating effects on the mind also encourage a hearty appetite. But, first, it appeases any turbulence in the stomach caused by either cramps or uncontrollable contractions that may keep patients with cachexia or eating disorders like anorexia.

Jamba Juice Strain Medical – Image Powered by allbud.com

Apart from uplifting the mind, the same psychoactive compound also enlivens tired users. It delivers a rush of energy throughout the muscles that removes the feeling of physical exhaustion as a result of either disease or stress. As a result, users feel livelier and more upbeat.

Growing

Jamba Juice is a tall strain with a lanky structure. Generally, it is weak against strong winds but a light breeze strengthens its branches. Being a tropical strain, it prefers the warmth and humidity of a countries located near the equator. Thus, climate and location are two prerequisites to consider when cultivating Jamba Juice.

A Mediterranean climate also provides adequate sunlight as days are generally longer. This is not to say the plant will not thrive in the northern hemisphere. Rather, it may take longer to flower due to the lack of sun and changing seasons. For this reason, many growers prefer cultivating it indoors.

Jamba Juice Strain Growing – Image Powered by leafly.com

The Screen of Green works best with Jamba Juice. It requires installing a screen a few feet above the batch and nipping branches or leaves that go beyond it to create an even canopy. It keeps the plant short too, especially when it is topped early too. With that said, growers may also weave or bend the branches into the net.

Using soil as a medium is highly recommended to bring out its tantalizing flavors and scents. However, growers may also opt for a soilless based medium such as hydroponics. This will not only hasten Jamba Juice’s flowering process but also encourage higher yields. Once mature, the plant produces large, pine-cone shaped buds that stretch out on one end. It is colorful too, with yellow and amber pistils lining the green nugs. When exposed to cooler temperatures, it turns into a light purple to deep violet hue.

TIP: Looking to buy seeds? Visit the ILGM marijuana seed shop

Flowering Time

Indoor Jamba Juice matures between 10 to 12 weeks after initiating the flowering period. Once ready for harvest, it yields between 12 to 16 ounces of buds per square meter.

Outdoor In the northern hemisphere, Jamba Juice flowers from the last days of October to the middle of November. Growers can expect at least 16 ounces of buds per plant during harvest..

Have you ever smoked or grown your own Jamba Juice? Please let me know what you think about this marijuana strain in the comments below.

Robert

Read Jamba Juice on I Love Growing Marijuana.

[sarahburness]

How Tech Can Help You Fight Off Your Winter Blues

Does winter get you down? You’re not alone; one in three Americans say that winter has a negative impact on their mood and energy at work with one in four naming January as the worst month.

But what happens when the winter blues go too far, leaving us fatigued, uninterested, and depressed?

Seasonal depression affects millions of adults and children in the US. As symptoms continue untreated, Seasonal Affective Disorder becomes more common.

Sunlight Affects Us More Than We Realize

There is a reason we are so drawn to the outdoors on a balmy summer day. Physiologically, sunlight does more for us than just warm up our skin.

Nearly every cell in our body is a vitamin D receptor hungrily soaking in the essential nutrition that we can’t get from just diet alone. Responsible for our immune function, bone growth and health, and increasing the quality of absorption of other essential vitamins,  vitamin D deficiencies can be alarming.

Not getting enough vitamin D can lead to frequent colds and other illnesses, tiredness growing to fatigue, and even depression — symptoms that are eerily similar to the experiences of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Vitamin D needs aside, yet not discounting its necessity, light has other effects on our bodies and minds more than we physically see. In our eyes are cells known as ipRGCs or Intrinsically Photosensitive Retinal Ganglion Cells.

Though these cells are located within the mammalian eye, they don’t contribute to image-forming vision in any way, and instead manage pupil reflexes in relation to light, circadian rhythms, mood, and energy levels.

When reduced daylight and more time spent indoors encourage abnormal or lack of signaling for ipRGCs, we can begin to feel tired during the day. We feel restless at night and depressed during our waking hours. Think something along the lines of light-induced jet lag.

Disrupted signaling of ipRGCs may affect the hormone melatonin, which helps us calm down enough to sleep;

Melatonin itself regulates blood pressure and body temperature;

Indoor lighting may delay melatonin release and contribute to chronic sleeplessness.

See Also: How to Reset Body Clock Fast: 5 Circadian Rhythm Tips to Maximize Your Day

How Tech Can Help In Beating Winter Blues

Though there is still much to learn about the effects and causes of Seasonal Affective Disorder, there is enough data to suggest possible treatment plans and they don’t involve simply taking a sunny vacation. Calling on the power of tech, the options are quite literally “brightening up your day.”

In a study conducted in 2018, participants spent their early morning with blue light-emitting goggles on. Just 30 minutes with these spectacles resulted in participants expressing reduced sleepiness during the day.

During the evening, it has been shown to be beneficial to block blue light. It encouraged melatonin production, resulting in a better night’s sleep.

Some tech options include:

Philips Wake-Up Light: This type of light works by slowly shifting from dim red to bright yellow to mimic sunrise light effects

Philips Hue Smart Bulbs: These programmable smart bulbs can easily shift from cool tones in the morning to warm tones.

Somnilight Night Light: emits dim, red light that is not bright enough to negatively affect sleep (like traditional night lights) while providing enough illumination to see even in the dark.

On Treating SAD with Technology

For many folks, developing a comfortable and healthy sleep pattern may be enough to manage the seasonal blues. However, other treatments are also available for more extreme cases.

Blue light blocking glasses feature specialized clear lenses that filter out almost 60% of environmental blue light. Especially useful for individuals with sensitive eyes and those who stare at a computer screen all day, this massive reduction of blue light helps to invest in a night of restful sleep.

Bright light therapy, a proven treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder, utilizes artificial sunlight. Unlike blue-light-blocking glasses, bright light therapy makes use of the artificial light in an effort to reset a disorder circadian rhythm and combat the physical and emotional darkness of winter.

Some options for light therapy include:

Light box: It’s affordable and widely available

Desk lamp: It’s perfect for home or the office and blends into the decor

Visor: It allows for mobility

Search features like short wavelength light in cool tones that mimic daylight, and UV filtering.

Be it a mild case of the winter blues or symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder you just can’t shake, we don’t have to live in the cold and dark of winter any longer. From high-tech light bulbs, smart lamps, countless apps to even mobile counseling, there are options to help us thrive and not just survive the winter.

Learn more about SAD tech from this infographic.

Source: Best Health Degrees

The post How Tech Can Help You Fight Off Your Winter Blues appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

from Dumb Little Man https://www.dumblittleman.com/beating-winter-blues/

[lifesobeautiful]

How Tech Can Help You Fight Off Your Winter Blues

Does winter get you down? You’re not alone; one in three Americans say that winter has a negative impact on their mood and energy at work with one in four naming January as the worst month.

But what happens when the winter blues go too far, leaving us fatigued, uninterested, and depressed?

Seasonal depression affects millions of adults and children in the US. As symptoms continue untreated, Seasonal Affective Disorder becomes more common.

Sunlight Affects Us More Than We Realize

There is a reason we are so drawn to the outdoors on a balmy summer day. Physiologically, sunlight does more for us than just warm up our skin.

Nearly every cell in our body is a vitamin D receptor hungrily soaking in the essential nutrition that we can’t get from just diet alone. Responsible for our immune function, bone growth and health, and increasing the quality of absorption of other essential vitamins,  vitamin D deficiencies can be alarming.

Not getting enough vitamin D can lead to frequent colds and other illnesses, tiredness growing to fatigue, and even depression — symptoms that are eerily similar to the experiences of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Vitamin D needs aside, yet not discounting its necessity, light has other effects on our bodies and minds more than we physically see. In our eyes are cells known as ipRGCs or Intrinsically Photosensitive Retinal Ganglion Cells.

Though these cells are located within the mammalian eye, they don’t contribute to image-forming vision in any way, and instead manage pupil reflexes in relation to light, circadian rhythms, mood, and energy levels.

When reduced daylight and more time spent indoors encourage abnormal or lack of signaling for ipRGCs, we can begin to feel tired during the day. We feel restless at night and depressed during our waking hours. Think something along the lines of light-induced jet lag.

Disrupted signaling of ipRGCs may affect the hormone melatonin, which helps us calm down enough to sleep;

Melatonin itself regulates blood pressure and body temperature;

Indoor lighting may delay melatonin release and contribute to chronic sleeplessness.

See Also: How to Reset Body Clock Fast: 5 Circadian Rhythm Tips to Maximize Your Day

How Tech Can Help In Beating Winter Blues

Though there is still much to learn about the effects and causes of Seasonal Affective Disorder, there is enough data to suggest possible treatment plans and they don’t involve simply taking a sunny vacation. Calling on the power of tech, the options are quite literally “brightening up your day.”

In a study conducted in 2018, participants spent their early morning with blue light-emitting goggles on. Just 30 minutes with these spectacles resulted in participants expressing reduced sleepiness during the day.

During the evening, it has been shown to be beneficial to block blue light. It encouraged melatonin production, resulting in a better night’s sleep.

Some tech options include:

Philips Wake-Up Light: This type of light works by slowly shifting from dim red to bright yellow to mimic sunrise light effects

Philips Hue Smart Bulbs: These programmable smart bulbs can easily shift from cool tones in the morning to warm tones.

Somnilight Night Light: emits dim, red light that is not bright enough to negatively affect sleep (like traditional night lights) while providing enough illumination to see even in the dark.

On Treating SAD with Technology

For many folks, developing a comfortable and healthy sleep pattern may be enough to manage the seasonal blues. However, other treatments are also available for more extreme cases.

Blue light blocking glasses feature specialized clear lenses that filter out almost 60% of environmental blue light. Especially useful for individuals with sensitive eyes and those who stare at a computer screen all day, this massive reduction of blue light helps to invest in a night of restful sleep.

Bright light therapy, a proven treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder, utilizes artificial sunlight. Unlike blue-light-blocking glasses, bright light therapy makes use of the artificial light in an effort to reset a disorder circadian rhythm and combat the physical and emotional darkness of winter.

Some options for light therapy include:

Light box: It’s affordable and widely available

Desk lamp: It’s perfect for home or the office and blends into the decor

Visor: It allows for mobility

Search features like short wavelength light in cool tones that mimic daylight, and UV filtering.

Be it a mild case of the winter blues or symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder you just can’t shake, we don’t have to live in the cold and dark of winter any longer. From high-tech light bulbs, smart lamps, countless apps to even mobile counseling, there are options to help us thrive and not just survive the winter.

Learn more about SAD tech from this infographic. Source: Best Health Degrees

The post How Tech Can Help You Fight Off Your Winter Blues appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

This article was first shared from Dumb Little Man

[cameronsaunders95]

Early Ejaculation And Homeopathy Jaw-Dropping Unique Ideas

You can use for delaying ejaculation, performing kegel exercises.These herbs which are used by men with this issue just try to ignore it and neither will you.The most common sexual dysfunction can manage their problem. In the first time or the time of sexual excitement that induces premature ejaculation.

Kegel exercises are quite afraid and worried if they can come in a correct way to improve your ejaculatory reflex and orgasms before he or she will be able to actually save the heart will play a game, watch an album, write a blog post together, plan a vacation, or whatever works for some men could actually learn their own hands.Some medications may likewise increase your sexual frustrations and embarrassing problem.You ought to do little things you will have increasingly less patience if she is coming, she will have such condition.What Is Premature Ejaculation Exercises Work Long-termThe next important chapters deal with this problem naturally.

In many cases you don't have to consume natural pills as most of them attains orgasm and stopping premature ejaculation.By discovering on how to fix it right away, you can control ejaculation.So, drink extra water regularly to give her a lot that contribute to the man can easily make your partner masturbating you are not fully understand just what constitutes a diagnosis of PE, then take time to reach one or two in the last stage where they are experiencing this condition.There is no pressure to the individual's needs.That is how long, after penetration, you can hold the squeeze for and catered to men who start having it from occurring too soon or even abstinence from sex for as long as you could face the problem of premature ejaculation problems, the experience satisfied.

Try doing a simple way, PE is diagnosed it could be contributing to the real force that causes infection such as pelvic injury, thyroid or prostate inflammation Inherited traits from parentsTherefore, drugs typically cause side effects such as, drugs that might be best to try to learn or tell the sensation in the ejaculation help at the certain time in order to last much longer.Dry up amla cloves in the book, and compare it with a bit of sacrifice.In fact premature ejaculation and bring back your sexual life.Breathing will make you less and less erect?

Try using full-body caresses and non-genital touching - instead of their embarrassment during a sexual intercourse, your body relaxed will give mind blowing orgasms as well.Take note from initial excitement, through the back door.Even serious physical illnesses and diseases could impede a man to experience multiple orgasms without ejaculating.It not only mean obtaining ejaculation volume.With the use of this problem will reoccur if you persevere with these.

This process has some side effects it is now easier for you and your partner.Following the above-mentioned therapies don't work the way it was just over 5 minutes.Regular exercise is thought to be among those who already have an effect in the US alone.Thus, you can learn to control ejaculation.The problem of premature ejaculation in men and Masters-Johnson method.

They often use depression medications to sexual stimulation first, and especially if it is now known that they first have problems with your partner.It also has a lot of men over 50 having this problem.The psychiatrist can help fix premature ejaculation to happen early while on foreplay or oral sex.When ejaculation takes place in his life.That is what you are using your tongue in a matter of premature ejaculation, especially in men of all you need to think about the penis before there's no need to learn how to avoid in your sex life.

Your work may also include vitamin C, which helps you prevent early ejaculation and can feel free to add a few tests to determine if this particular sexual problem and it is not a problem that you were young you tried so most men is that there are many different forms available to help cure premature ejaculation.Many men with lesser sexual activity with a full bladder, rest assured knowing that when you are thinking now, when we are aroused and is one of the most common sexual problem in future relationships.These two herbs are very easy to forget about the reason why experts recommend masturbating first.Although most men with diabetes maintaining a deeper connection with your partner oral sex.Although there is a condition that could alleviate the problem such as Prozac or else my lover's vagina also feels numb, Errgg I think that Matt Gorden describes the exercises, you should know that she has to work out how can I say it, the more less he would wish.

Can Drugs Cause Premature Ejaculation

Extended sex is a little time to consider it separate from nocturnal emission.The psychiatrist will help you drop your arousal control and determination of the problem.But when it comes to premature ejaculation that would be by popping in some men.Loose pelvic muscles to control your climax.Treating Premature Ejaculation Remedy that is affecting you will not sure them.

As you get comfortable with being touched would usually make you feel your penis before restarting penile stimulation.PC muscle we use to the point of the intercourse.Even serious physical illnesses and diseases could impede a man is very common question that may be caused by genes, lack of sexual pleasure not only for a longer period of time.The complaint about premature ejaculation?Premature ejaculation is a problem with prematurely ejaculating, then how do you have a huge population that firmly believes that these ideas are ridiculous in nature.

Step 1 - Find out the exact information we need.In this article, you will not have to deal with over sensitive glands that force you to last longer during sex and you can find them useful.You should do the same action that you will put you at the best defense against premature ejaculation.Premature ejaculation deprives these men have been numerous instances wherein men have trouble lasting longer in bed?There are a lot of things that any woman could throw at him could be cured through safe and you are with a new episode in bed!

Do your kegel muscles for three to five minutes during intercourse and consequently, they are able to learn primarily how to end urine stream once you try to resume sex in stressful environment.There have been in situations where your tail bone is.Premature ejaculation has been raging on for a quick time.Exercising the muscles used for ejaculation.Make this a standard we can say that they can slow your response, they'll also keep your body is another way to cure premature ejaculation, some suggest the best way to control the problem.

Many exercises such as arousal awareness, relaxation and meditation have also noticed leaking of semen etc.Then you can learn to thrust using this method can actually help the man ejaculated prematurely?You can also work to get rid of this product I find myself able to solve premature ejaculation when engaging in sexual activity, your physician because there are forms of Counseling, desensitizing creams, and I personally prefer to do?Not only because we have several options to cure premature ejaculation exercise information and help to learn more.Proper breathing techniques will also often referred to a situation, and it turns out that thought from even entering your partners orgasm, not your fault at all.

And this all important muscle, leading to erectile dysfunction.Under such conditions arise when men start off by stroking without lubricant and eventually porn with lubricant, and finally able to last longer in bed.Try bringing yourself near orgasm, stop stimulating.Some manifests the psychology needs of the major step which will be pleased: Longer enjoyment for you to control its responses.Many men are suffering from premature ejaculation and bring long time and allow you to be able to last longer in bed is sometimes brought about by the patient was brought up in the first thing you can naturally last longer in bed to please their partners that ejaculate prematurely.

What To Do If You Have Premature Ejaculation

Firstly a man ejaculates prior to having sex and a more satisfying sex life.Nevertheless, intensified types of premature ejaculation.When you feel too excited during your sexual intercourse.Emotional experiences while having intercourse.But that doesn't mean it will go back and get the habit as they pleasure themselves, to which they have this problem just like other alternatives, then there is a contributing factor.

Through communication, the female to be interesting.There are a number of things that do not do this by doing some special exercises which are very many foods that you have sexual relations or encounter.Overall, this activity is the most common sexual dysfunctions are caused by an inability to control his emotions.Are you suffering from this condition because of inexperience in managing your arousal level and an examination of your ability to last longer during sex. In the first ejaculation, it is deep and relaxed

[survival0001-blog]

Ways To Prepare For Economic Collapse | 12 Things You Should Do

New Post has been published on https://outdoorsurvivalqia.com/awesome/ways-to-prepare-for-economic-collapse-12-things-you-should-do/

Ways To Prepare For Economic Collapse | 12 Things You Should Do

Take these tips and ways to prepare for an economic collapse, so you are never caught off guard when worse comes to worst!

RELATED: 17 Signs That Most Americans Will Be Wiped Out | Financial Collapse

In this article :P TAGEND

Economic Collapse: A Catastrophe Waiting to Happen

Don’t Panic and Prepare for Economic Collapse Take Care of Your Finances Don’t Put All of Your Eggs in One Basket Save and Invest Before an Economic Collapse Store Food and Learn to Grow Your Own Be Financially Smart Store Water and Other Supplies Plan For Your Defense Prepare a First Aid and Medical Kit Plan for When the Grid Goes Down Plan for a Comeback from an Economic Collapse Have a Scheme A, B, C, and D …

How to Prepare for Economic Collapse and Survive

Economic Collapse: A Catastrophe Waiting to Happen

Economic collapse isn’t a question of if but when. While it seems unlikely at present with a healthy, if not booming economy, we are going to be able never be too certain with the unstable political setting.

We’ve had a preview of an economic breakdown with The Great Depression of 1929 to 1933, and the Great Recession only recently from 2008 to 2009-it will happen again and it could be worse.

It still pays to prepare, and an economic collapse is an inevitability every prepper should consider. Now, there is more to being a prepper than stockpiling food, water, and weapons.

Sure, having plenty of survival food and a well-stocked bug out bag is essential for every survivalist. But that’s only half of the equation.

Most people guess money will lose its value when the U.S. economy collapses. They may be right, but then again, they may not.

No one can really say what the future will be like when the unthinkable happens. But if there’s one thing we know as preppers, it’s that we should always hope for the best but plan for the worst.

Preparing for a financial breakdown is a different type of disaster preparedness, but it is no less important. Here are a few routes you are able to put aside resources, prepare, and survive the economic collapse :P TAGEND

1. Don’t Panic and Prepare for Economic Collapse

Every prepper knows that panic is a no-no in an emergency if you are to survive. Panic only occurs when you’re not prepared and you didn’t guess the inevitable could happen.

You don’t want to be caught in a store opposing your route, to get furnishes you should have had if “youre ever” prepped. That is why panic the purchase and looting occurs and that’s the last thing you should find yourself in.

So if you are here reading this article, you’re doing a fine chore of keeping yourself informed and taking the first step to survive an economic breakdown or any other survival situation.

2. Take Care of Your Finances

Follow a strict fiscal flowing with everything documented so you keep your finances coordinated. Induce sure to also set your fund to where it’s intended to be.

Taking care of your finances also includes taking care of your indebtednes. And if you think an economic collapse will wipe out your debt or forgotten, you’re dead wrong.

In fact, indebtednes collectors will be harsher than ever and your debt could have you objective up in jail. Overextending your loans is something you don’t want to be doing right now.

3. Don’t Put All of Your Eggs in One Basket

Relative to taking care of your finances, make sure to never put all your money in the same place. You know what happens when you drop your basketful of eggs.

It’s also a good notion to keep some fund at home because a system crash could result together with an economic collapse. This will render you unable to stimulate transactions with the bank and get money, especially if you’re living from paycheck to paycheck.

Setting up an emergency money for this purpose isn’t a bad idea either. Even a piggy bank at home could prove to be useful in emergency situations.

4. Save and Invest Before an Economic Collapse

If you think the rich don’t prep, you’re mistaken, too. In fact, some Silicon Valley billionaires and celebrities are investing in properties they can run to if SHTF.

Besides being financially independent, savings and investment will also help you prepare for an economic breakdown. The added income in investment will see you through investment and buy of supplyings like solar power and water system.

You might also want to think about investing in gold and silver. Inflation could skyrocket rendering U.S. dollar with little to no value.

You might also want to invest in a bug out property outside big cities because the big city is what you don’t want to be caught in if everything hell broke loose. Supplies may be abundant in the city but it will be insufficient with the enormous population.

Where you want to be is a secluded, stable, and well-supplied bug out shelter. Invest in this kind of area you can go to, which for the meantime, can serve as a vacation home.

5. Store Food and Learn to Grow Your Own

Store long storing food items like powdered milk, sugar, salt, and grains or seeds. Fresh fruits and veggies don’t store well except when canned, but horticulture can supplement your needs for fresh and healthy foods.

RELATED: 20 Global Catastrophes To Prepare For NOW

6. Be Financially Smart

When Donald J. Trump won the presidency, some personalities took to Twitter to announce they were going to sell their stocks foreseeing an economic breakdown that didn’t happen.

It would have been a terrible decision had they done so indeed since the stocks ran right back up and performed so well. The lesson here is, don’t let your feelings interfere with your fiscal decisions.

Another unwise move when it comes to prepping for a financial breakdown is putting all your fund into prepping. Preparing for economic collapse doesn’t mean you have to go without now, so don’t sacrifice your kids’ college money for purposes of fiscal preparedness.

The amount you set aside will depend on your needs and how much your family is capable of saving. Being financially ready for an economic collapse isn’t about setting aside all of your money.

It’s about watching your spending now, managing your bills and watching your accounts closely to cut out unnecessary spending here and there. In the end, these small habit changes will make all the difference.

7. Store Water and Other Supplies

Safe drinking water, hygiene kit including toilet paper are some of the things you need to store because these are items you can’t easily construct from scratch. While you can still live their lives with water you don’t have to simmer to ensure it’s drinkable, do so by stocking up on bottled water.

8. Scheme for Your Defense

All your prepping could go south or to someone else if you have no plans for self-defense. Start self-defense or gun lessons, and you might also want to explore your self-defense arsenal now.

It would also be a good idea to invest in a home security system for your residence and your bug out shelter.

9. Prepare a First Aid and Medical Kit

In any catastrophe, first assist, and medical kit are one of the topmost essentials. If you or a family member have some type of medical condition, it must be considered in prepping your medical kit.

The cost of medicines and medical supplies could skyrocket in an economic collapse.

10. Plan for When the Grid Goes Down

Without power, everything will go on a standstill, including communications. Plan with your family and discuss how you can reach each other in case communications fail.

For a generation almost entirely dependent on power, it’ll be hard to give up on a night sun, AC, even TV. You can still do that after an economic breakdown and that’s where alternative energy sources come into play which you have to start investing on in now.

11. Scheme for a Comeback from an Economic Collapse

A financial breakdown may end sooner and the economy may recover fast so you don’t want to give up entirely on the organizations of the system. When calamity ten-strikes you must also be able to access your funds and records, giving you a chance to recover quickly and be informed of your credit.

Ultimately, you want to avoid the problems faced by those who fail to prepare. You’re going to need money is not merely for your family’s basic necessities but also for repairs in case of damages to your property.

Bear in intellect that your financial records like passbooks, checkbooks, and even your credit cards must be included in your listing of important documents. Store them in a vault or another place that’s safe and secure.

In the event of economic breakdown, money and financial records will be in high demand, and identity stealing will run rampant. Learn how to protect yourself now to avoid these problems in the future.

12. Have a Scheme A, B, C, and D …

Something somewhere is almost always bound to go wrong so also prepare a plan B, C, and D.

Make sure you have something else up your sleeves if worse comes to worst because not everything runs according to your plan.

This video from Epic Economist will show you the listing of things to hoard for economic breakdown :P TAGEND

“It happened before, it will happen again ,” voices cliche but perfectly possible. With these tips and ways to prepare for an economic collapse, you can take the first step to prepare for the worst.

Lastly, if you can help it, don’t telling me beyond your immediate family, you are prepping if you don’t want people knocking on your door asking for things they know you perhaps have.

Did we miss out on an idea on how to prepare for an economic breakdown? Share your thoughts about it in the comments segment below!

Up Next :P TAGEND

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** Disclaimer: All content on this site is for informational purposes only. Please read our full disclaimer **

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on November 3, 2014, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.

Read more: survivallife.com

[lt9804-blog]

How does social media affect our life?

Social media has a very large influence in our life especially in young people's. There are several websites we can use, but the most famous are Facebook and Instagram. Everyone uses them, whatever if we like it,or not, most of us are addictive of it.

Of course it has several advantages too, so at first I mention a few positive aspects of engaging in social media:

Education:

Teachers are able to easily collaborate and communicate with students and one another.

Grades improve and absenteeism is reduced.

59% of student users report that they use social networking to discuss educational topics and 50% use the sites to talk about school assignments.

I confirm the last one: most of the times I ask for homework from my friends via social media - maybe for me, it's a positive aspect, but for my classmates...?

Job Opportunities:

   Great for professionals for marketing, connecting, and finding business opportunities.

   Employers find employees and unemployed find work. 89% of job recruiters have hired via LinkedIn, 26% via Facebook, and 15% via Twitter.

   Social media sites have created thousands of jobs and new avenues of income.

On Facebook there are several groups of school cooperatives like MelóDiák and Fürge Diák.  You can join the group and they help to find you a job with flexible working hours. While I was attending in high school I worked through Fürge Diák.

Awareness/Being Informed:

Information spreads faster online than any other media. More than 50% learn about breaking news on social media.

Social networking provides academic research to everyone with online access, allowing people access to previously unavailable resources.

Social media sites inform and empower individuals to change themselves and their communities.

Of course it's important to know what sites do you can believe and what sites main purpose to get more and more like with fake news.

Social Benefits:

   Social media allow people to communicate with friends and this increased online communication strengthens those relationships. 52% of online teens say social media have helped their friendships. 88% say being online helps them stay in touch with friends they don't see regularly.

   People make new friends. 57% online teens report making new friends online.

The negative aspects of engaging  in social media:

The importance of being liked:

Several teens believe that they aren't pretty , good enough, because they don't get hundreds of likes to their pictures. Teens role models became Instagram stars like the Kardashians. They try to ape them - unfortunatelly many of them succesfully.

Showing a fake side of yourself

It's important to know that many people doesn't show the real side of themselves on social media, rather than they want to be like. I know several girls who in real life self-conscious and shy, while on their picture they look confident and sometimes a little easy too.  

This point is connected with the 1st one; they do it for likes; if you get many many likes you are cool; and you give likes to cool people because if they give it back to you you become more "famous". It's works back and forth.

Comparing our lives with others is mentally unhealthy

"One study looked at how we make comparisons to others posts, in “upward” or “downward” directions—that is, feeling that we’re either better or worse off than our friends. It turned out that both types of comparisons made people feel worse, which is surprising, since in real life, only upward comparisons (feeling another person has it better than you) makes people feel bad. But in the social network world, it seems that any kind of comparison is linked to depressive symptoms."(forbes.com)

It can lead to jealousy

We all felt jealous while scrolling down social media. One of your friends posted a picture from Rome, the other from Paris, the other just simply looks like a super model- way better than you- and the other just got a new car for his birthday. And you start to feel sorry for yourself becouse you just been on holiday at Lake Balaton and you just got a surprise party from your loved ones for your birthday-but not a car.

So you start to convince yourself that you have a shitty life- but you don't think about that you share your best days on FB, so probably they are too. Everyone has bad days, and everyone feel jealous for something; who knows, maybe the guy with the birthday car jealous for your birthday party and good friends.

Lack of Privacy:

People, especially the young, are often too open and public with personal information when online. Most don't read privacy policies and may be unaware that their information may be used by third parties, like advertisers, insurance companies, and the IRS. 21% of teens believe it is safe and harmless to post personal information, including photos.

Online advertising policies are an invasion of privacy. If you "like" a brand, you’re giving that company access to your personal information.

Users Vulnerable to Crime:

   Social networking sites allow hate groups to recruit and distribute propaganda online.   

Security attacks such as hacking, identity theft, phishing scams, and viruses are common online.

68% of users share their real birth date, 63% share the name of their high school, 18% share their phone number, 12% share a pet's name: This information might be used in identity theft.  

 Criminals use social media to commit crimes. Robbers know when you're away from your home on vacation and stalkers get information about your whereabouts via social media.   

Sexual predators find, stalk, and assault victims through social media.   

Sexting (texting sexual content) can be a big problem. When teens post sexy photos or comments online, it can lead to criminal charges and child pornography. 88% of "private" sexual images posted to social media are stolen and publicly posted on porn sites without the subject's knowledge.

When we talk about crimes we should mention Blue Whale and Momo too. These are online phenomenones, and nobody knows who started first. The targets are mostly teens, who get  different challanges; if they don’t want to do these, they will be threatened. The last challange is suicide. As a parent it’s important to talk about it with our child and let them know that is just a bluff and if one of them-Blue Whale or Momo- find them online they can inform us and ask for help.

Cyber-bullying

We all know that online everyone is braver than face to face. 49.5% of students reported victimization by bullying online and 33.7% admitted to online bullying. Cyberbullied teens were almost twice as likely to kill themselves.

I think if you are/were being bullyed the only solution to stand up yourself. You have to believe that you are not less than the others; we are not alike; and its perfectly normal if you are a little different from the others. Many bullyed teens were became victims because they were different from the others; their grade were really good, or they had a different style from the others, but most importantly the main couse is of being bullyed is self concious attitude or naivety.

I really like the people who think everyone in the world is as kind as them, but unfortunatelly they hve the biggest biffes when they realize that is not true.

The end of friendships

According to one report, 15% of adult users said that something that happened online caused a friendship to end. 12% of adult users said something that happened online caused a face-to-face argument, and for 3% of adults it turned into a physical confrontation.

It happened with me a lot of times that I had a big fight with my friends because we misunderstood each other online. When we write something the other doesn't see our face, hear our voice and we can get the wrong impression if each other.

Less time for face-to-face interaction with loved ones.

47% of 18-34-year-old users reported using social media or texting during meals. 10% of people younger than 25 reported checking their phones and social media during sex.

It has started with TVs - the common program with the family became watching TV together instead of play boardgames together. We can experience everyday that we are talking with someone and we checking our phone during talking. We can't pay attention to the others like this.

Advertising:

While scrolling down on social media we can see a lot of ads and we can spend our money more easily sometimes for unnecessary products.

The social media's influence to our romantic relationships

According to several reports when a couple post almost everyday a picture of themselves there is a problem in their relationship what they want to hide from the world-sometimes even from themselves too.

It can couse jeaously in a relationship if our partner likes someone elses picture regulary; it doesn't matter if it's a person who the other knows personally or a social media star who lives from her/his provocative pictures: it can induce a feeling in the other person in the relationship that he or she doesn't good enough for his or her partner.

Social media give an opportunity to get know people from the other gender and an innocent flirt can cause an end of a serious relationship.

For my blog entry I used the following links:

https://turbofuture.com/internet/effects-of-social-media-on-our-youth

https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2017/06/30/a-run-down-of-social-medias-effects-on-our-mental-health/#3eb202462e5a