#especially given the whole cobalt situation

[thefailureartist]

I HATE this tech rat race we're all stuck in. Want to access your bank account? You need an app for that. You need a PHONE for that. And fuck your perfectly functioning phone, only new tech allowed. Access to all your apps will be straight up denied if you don't participate in the ever increasing unethical consumption.

[tarotnoob]

PAC: What's blocking your manifestation?

What are you manifesting?

What's blocking your manifestation?

How to unblock.

Pile 1: Dam

Pile 2: Eclipse

Pile 3: Cobalt blue door

Pile 1

Manifestation: Justice/Play "Have fun. Celebrate. Don't be so serious."

I'm not deeply analyzing today. So, for this, it feels as if you're manifesting an easier time with something. It's something fair, maybe even karmic, maybe even some type of justice, but you're very attached to the outcome. Trust in the process of this manifestation. There should be balance in life between what's to be taken seriously, hard work, and then being able to relax, have fun, be able to live life without any restraints or expectations. It feels like you're asking: When will I get what I deserve? When will I be rewarded for the work I've put in or what I went through? When will it get easier? When will I have the things I want the way I want them? When will things feel "normal" or good again?

Block: Knight of Wands, Eros, The Queen

I deleted this part because I wondered if you were rushing given that all of these cards are fire energy personified. And that could be true. There could be impatience blocking this manifestation, but I actually believe that the universe doesn't punish or slow down what we are owed - I feel more we get in our own way so if you haven't received it yet, it's due to something that needs to be changed on our end. In this case, there are two ways to read the block: too much hot-headedness, impatience, personal greed or a lack of those things, such as confidence, drive, ambition, creativity. After looking at advice, I lean more toward the latter as if the cards expect you to embody this energy to... after you've weighed your mind about the situation... once you've made the choice about what will make you happy or if you want to go after your desire - you need to have the confidence to move forward as if there haven't been any disappointments along the way. Even if you've been at it for 33 years, the block is still whatever mental blocks have grown because it hasn't happened fast enough... then we start to feel defeated and less willing to try again, so rather than give up or be meek about what you want, embody energy that would fit the queen of wands, but still keep a level head about it. I agree that there is a whole thought process you may have to go through or an emotional one or even a literal process that has to take place before you can have what you are manifesting - but that justice plus play reads more like someone taking something quite seriously and going by the book, when there might be something more to it and the one thing the block points to in lacking is fire energy - specifically sacral chakra stuff. Knowing who you are and your identity, creativity, sexual blocks, confidence blocks, desires... these are your blocks right now.

Advice for unblocking: 5 of cups, Queen of Swords, New Chapter. Speaking of process, let me read/type you this about New Chapter: This part of the journey can be quite difficult, not only for you but for those around you. Go through the process, honour your feelings and the feelings of those involved but don't stay in this discontent. Honour this period, but move through it with courage, strength, and determination. It seems that a lot of your focus has been on things that didn't work out or "failures," and you're entitled to go through those emotions, but how long will you be stuck in that self-pitying or do nothing or "rest" phase because it's great to process things, but you can't do it forever. Eventually you have to get back up on your feet, start over with a clear head, and make the decision that you're ready to try this with a new approach or new mindset. It wouldn't surprise me, too, if some of this is for people with a particularly creative career who are trying to manifest... something substantial careerwise, especially if you're a writer - but it's never quite worked out. I won't discredit your effort, but it reads like: But have you tried as hard as you can? Have you really attempted this with the mindset it will succeed or have you been half-hearted and waiting for it to fall into your lap? Don't care what other people think, just do what you want to do but take off the limits from your brain and pretend you absolutely don't give a fuck and just do it.

---

Pile 2

Manifestation: Six of cups, Share Your Voice, Inner Temple

Rather than try to guess your manifestation, let me explain what it feels like. There's a sense of yearning here, there's also a sense of something deeply emotional, something that you want to share or if you want to be heard. There is something very sacred about this manifestation, personal, sentimental, soulful. There seems to have been a lot of inward reflection about this desire and may even be an unconscious manifestation, but you want to be heard. There seems to be some hesitation or naivete surrounding it as if there's fear of "coming out" about something you're feeling. It feels rather abstract, but we'll just say it's something you long deeply for. It may be something you've wanted for a long time, even since childhood. It's something that would bring you great peace and inner harmony to have. It also may be something fairly simple. I don't think you're asking for much, but there is something you're hoping to receive or even to give in some way. Maybe something like a personal fulfillment. Not necessarily a material manifestation. It could also involve a place, situation, or relationship in which you feel safe. There is a lot of introverted or internal energy with these cards, reflection, going inward, but thoughts about external connections or the outside world - just... not wanting to dive into it.

Block: Six of Wands, The Bardo - oh, okay, this message is pretty straightforward after going through the block and unblocking. So, you have a personal gift or skill. It has to do with the way you think or feel about things in life. After doing a lot of internal reflection, you have attained a lot of knowledge about life. So, what's blocking you from sharing your voice or insight with the world, is simply being able to acknowledge that you're worthy of sharing it. Maybe you think that something you want to say or share (in any form that may be), isn't... original... or creative enough... or helpful... something that makes you feel like "oh no one wants to hear what I have to say", and this bardo and six of wands are both about recognizing that your truth is worthy and needs to be heard.

How to Unblock: Ace of Wands, Celestial Teacher - this cosmic oracle deck is always amazing to me, but this celestial teacher card is also about sharing your knowledge with people and how spirit believes in you and wants you to know that what you have to say can help and is important. You being here is important. So, this is about having the passion, confidence, inspiration (or providing that to the world), and then sharing what you know with others in whatever form that may be, whether a literal teacher or guide or through some type of work that you do or who you are to your friends and how you help them, but there's something very special about what you know or your perspective on things. There's a sense of needing to light a spark for others, but it also feels like simply... needing a push so that you enter into this role. If it's to be framed in a way of what is this manifestation - it's... a purpose... it's probably an unconscious desire to be heard or to help others or to heal or to share something you've experienced or felt and then that accumulation of knowledge... have it mean something. So, how can you be heard by the world or whomever? How can you share your voice? It's pretty much just about recognizing that you're needed and worthy of being heard and that the world needs to hear whatever it is you have to say or even if it's living by being a good example, people can follow in your footsteps based on whatever role you have.

---

Pile 3

Manifestation: Emperor, Answer the Call - this gives me pile 1 vibes a bit because we have one card that's about due process, rigidity, taking action, logic... and then we have answer the call, which is more about following your intuition. So, in particular, this could be about a career path for some, or a path of any kind that leads to more stability and/or also requires taking some type of action toward that goal. It's pretty general for now, so I'll keep it at that because all the cards are saying is "take action toward a goal you feel pulled intuitively toward."

The block: 3 of swords, The Venom

Let's have a talk. So, manifestation cards seem vague and general and that could be because this is a manifestation that could apply to multiple facets of your life. Like say if one simply or unconsciously wanted to manifest stability. That could apply to work, relationships, emotional or mental states. The block here would be obvious to anyone. Both cards are about disappointment, bitterness, harsh words, something that stings, something that poisons our mental or spiritual self, harsh truths, toxicity, tough emotional situations. So - no matter what the manifestation is even if it seems to relate to intuition, stability, taking action, etc... what's... blocking that is a current toxic situation or relationship or feelings or thoughts (like 8 of swords). Either this feeling or situation or person... is in the way of what you really want and there's no rushing a process for getting rid of that feeling except to... wade through it. Or, it can even be that such a bad situation has "slowed down" your manifestation (in your eyes). Like, say you had big plans for something, and a toxic relationship got in the way and then you had to take out years to heal yourself instead of spending that time on a particular goal (yes, I'm projecting), but that also means it happens. But, really what we know for sure is some very strong negativity is blocking this. Either your energy or another person's or a whole bunch of folks.

Advice for unblocking: Two of Cups, Mirrored Souls. Well, that's certainly interesting, right? And seems to speak specifically about relationships with others, perhaps a specific individual or it could be multiple people or the inner balance inside ourselves. Harmony. Balance.

This pile is a bit more complicated than the others because, imo, there are layers here. What you are wanting to manifest is... how should I put this... what you are trying to manifest may be abstract and general in some way BUT the abstract part may also come with a soulmate, relationship, or eventual feeling of inner harmony. It's like, the call is anything that your intuition is calling you toward - it could be a job, goal, location, but you are being pushed to make some movement or take action in this direction. There's also a sense of stability or home involved in this calling. So it's almost like say you left your home with the intention of going on a trip to find some type of knowledge, or a pilgrimage. You go on the pilgrimage because you have had some really big disappointments in life that aren't necessarily related to the trip, but there's that energy there, lingering. And on this trip when you're just trying to find something or relax or see some sights, you unexpectedly meet a person - who may mirror you, things you've gone through or may even be on the trip for the same reason. They don't have to be romantic, but it does seem like the advice for unblocking is being confronted with the block in another person or seeing it for the first time within yourself. So, the advice/block could simply be some reaaaaaaaally heavy shadow work. It could also be that what you're manifesting... will come in the form of a person even if you weren't looking for a relationship or expecting a relationship to be the thing that heals (your block). The relationship and seeing it reflected in another person (you both have similar wounds), is what's going to come in to heal your block and manifest that abstract thing in the beginning, which has to do with following a call, feeling safe, feeling a steady foundation. That's why it's complicated, because the block/advice/manifestation are interwoven and not even... chronological. So, things you may have been waiting for for a very long time... to come together in some way, and it may be multiple things... may not fully arrive for you until there is some deep inner revelation or... you meet a specific person who helps you heal your wounds. I also think as a sideplot to this situation... this person who helps heal you will allow you to help others on a greater scale. You may even work together after meeting on some type of humanitarian or social justice or creative thing that can help others which is why everything is so... layered.

Another situation that's not as BIG is... manifesting some type of communication from someone, wanting to hear from someone - especially after a fight or separation. The advice isn't... super specific... other than maybe time will resolve the situation when it's meant to... or communication is necessary for things to heal between the two of you as 3 of swords (for me) is also often about no contact or no communication and this lack of communication or lack of understanding can be poisoning a relationship - and "answer the call" is literal as in - take the call, communicate, make the call, etc... I'll throw that out for some folks.

In particular, this could involve someone who happens to be Aries.... but it also may be relevant to Aries season or a big Aries planetary movement like a moon in Aries, etc...

Also with that manifestation, this feels like stepping into a very big role with a lot of responsibility. It can be one specific role like a job with a lot of power or a big job... or it's a job so big you are responsible for a lot of healing within the collective - and your one purpose is to answer this greater call, but in the process of... becoming the emperor (essentially the level you'll need to be at to take on this larger role in the end), you'll have to... endure a lot of pain and suffering, heartache, disappointment... because going through all of that will... murrr... make you more sympathetic or empathetic toward people and, in the end, you'll be able to connect more with people on a grander spiritual level, heal them, help them, learn from them, etc... I wish there was a better way to put it for some but... sometimes when we... want to be a part of something great, create something great, be great... you have to experience suffering and still... rise above it and use that to help others instead of pass that "venom" along... and maybe far down the line you'll understand it was all necessary... when something happens... and you do have to answer that call. Either of the other piles could resonate here for you as there are messages there that could help with pile 3 folks, too. Pile 1 because there's also a message about long due process and justice and then taking action... and pile 2 because that pile had things they'd learned they needed to share with the world... either message could be of worth to Pile 3. Good luck.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E129 (March 16, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are Matt Mercer and Taliesin Jaffe!

Matt, on DMing Luc’s Revivify: “That was weird. It’s one thing when it happens because of player action and circumstances and the choices they make. When it’s entirely on me, unintentional, and just realizing different chess pieces you’ve set up, that’s rough.” It was especially rough since this was a child NPC related to a PC. “I was hoping somebody had a spell slot left.” He kept in mind that there are two clerics in the room and that they could resurrect the next day even if the Revivify went poorly. “A good chance, since it’s his first time. Okay, okay, okay, okay, I think we’ll be okay, we’ll see how this goes. It was really stressful in the moment! I did not set out to have that happen, but when I realized what was going to happen, I tried to see it through.” He wouldn’t have prevented a chance to bring him back. “There may have been an offshoot short-run series of games to find a way to bring him back. I would have found some way to correct the circumstance so the players could feel good about moving forward with the story and there was no undue punishment beyond their control.”

Taliesin on Cad’s response: “This is a big thing if you’re a cleric. It was very much coming in like an EMT. Everything should be fine... hopefully. Just focused in and got it done. The minute things started to go south it was like, okay, that’s the next problem.”

On Yeza’s feelings: “It is a very complicated situation. I think he, much like how Veth is trying to figure out what it is that she wants, I think he’s trying to help her find that while also figuring it out for himself. I think Yeza’s also noticing that because Veth’s the more active of the two of them she also takes the weight of the responsibility and the blame for things when they go wrong, unnecessarily. Especially when he himself acknowledges that he’s partially at fault for even dragging everyone in with the Conclave. As much as he’s appreciative for them coming back for him, there’s a lot of back and forth. He’s filled with a lot of regret, too, but he’s very much trying to convince Veth that it’s a burden that she doesn’t have to keep to herself, that they can share it and work through it together.” Matt mentions that, as an actor, he really loves exploring interactions between characters first and foremost. “Especially when you don’t know where it’s going to go.” He also praises Sam as a scene partner - “I really cherish that.”

How does Caduceus feel about Revivify and Speak with Dead? “Speak with Dead is an interesting middle ground, because he knows that it’s not actually speaking with the dead. It’s really just-- it’s almost medical, really. This is just reactivating a brain at a certain point. It’s practically just a muscle twitch at this point. That doesn’t really prod him in that direction. Revivify is interesting, because it had never really come up. At first I thought of it as bending the rules, but it’s not bending the rules. You knock over a plant, you replant it, you don’t stare at it and go ‘Well, that’s over.’ This is just doing the work. No, we can bring this thing back to health. This is all part of the circle of life, that sometimes we can save something. Especially given the stress that he’s put himself through over the past year of being with these people. He’s started to think of himself a bit as a battlefield medic, and triage is just part of the deal, and it’s completely acceptable.”

Did Trent really just want to talk? “Yeah, that circumstance, as it came together, Trent would never have arrived if there wasn’t an indication that there was some kind of infiltration or attack. Even beyond that, it was Jester breaking the concentration on her charm on that one guard when she created her duplicate.” The guards’ job is to inform a member of the Cerberus Assembly, and Trent lived the closest. “He didn’t know who it was, didn’t have any expectation necessarily. The minute he saw the illusion, he knew a powerful magic user was involved.” Seeing Caleb was an unexpected surprise. “I don’t think he wanted to throw down necessarily. He was more interested in figuring out exactly what the nature of this was.” Matt had multiple battlemaps that didn’t get used. “They managed to cleverly out-maneuver him in his surprise of seeing them.” The Nein rocketed up his priority list after that very quickly. Taliesin: “We’re so fucked.”

On Cad being “Uncle Caduceus” to Luc: “It’s the thing he misses most about home, is being a juvenile shit. It’s nice to be able to express that part of him again, as opposed to the serious, life-threatening, constant intensity. I’m very at home just being a little difficult.”

Cosplay of the Week: an amazing Beau! (_rumor_king, photography by kourtyardproductions on Instagram)

On Marion: “Like a lot of people in this whole narrative from the beginning, getting swept up in things larger than her and trying to adapt. This is a circumstance she’s avoided for a long time. She’s having a rough time in some ways, but simultaneously, she’s enduring. Like a mother would. She’s adapting, she’s making it work. Without much of a choice, you just kind of do the best you can and lean on the people around you to help you where they can. Luckily she has a daughter there. She’s probably surprising herself at how well she’s doing given the circumstances.” Matt talks about how weird it is to feel proud of character he’s created. “Of the many things Marion is incredible at, she’s a studier of the human condition. She’s seen and heard the stories of so many. That gives her a very special perspective. She can see elements of that fractured individual within Caleb, and knowing the good that he’s brought to his friends, and knowing he’s possibly saved her life from bad circumstances, she couldn’t not speak up. She very easily falls into that role of maternal comforter, because it’s one of the many things she’s really good at, she enjoys it, and she can see well when people need it.” He’s been enjoying having Marion along for this (despite the difficult circumstances) because he was always a little sad that they only got to see her for short periods of time.

On the Blooming Grove’s safety: “He’s afraid that it’s a premonition. He’s not pinned it down, but he’s happy to let his imagination wander. He at the very least feels like there’s a reason he’s having these thoughts, and that there’s a reason to go there. He’s a big believer that these things don’t just happen. He’s more likely to think that there’s a good reason to go versus a danger to go. He’s had a couple of ominous warnings lately, and he’s not used to them and not a fan. He’s more likely to read something like that as, there is something there waiting for you that you have to discover. There is something that is going to be helpful to you, even if it hurts.”

On Astrid: “While maybe not as readable in overall personality as Trent is, I still want to be careful to not discuss things that are still being discussed within the game and tossed around as possibilities. Astrid is another complicated character, as anyone would be who’s been through the life she has. I can’t say too much. I can say she’s definitely legitimately happy to see Bren/Caleb after all this time.” His reemergence definitely caught her off guard. “We’ll have to see where it goes from there.”

On Cad’s successful Divine Intervention: “He’s definitely hit the ‘on a mission from god’ stage. He’s been that way for the entire campaign of, this, this is what I’ve been waiting for. Even when it sucks a lot, it’s been nice that those things have popped up to remind him, no, no, you’re doing it right, everything’s good. Probably not going to survive the next week, but you’re doing good! Not quite 1 in a 100 chance, but I forget so often to make that roll, and it’s such a great roleplaying roll. I don’t know how at level 20 you could deal with the fact that you can do that every day.” 

On Zeenoth getting his comeuppance: the kidnapping was a concept Marisha brought up for Beau’s backstory, and Matt went with it even though it was opposed to the Cobalt Soul’s philosophy because he knew rooting it out would make for an interesting story. “I felt it was an important beat to bring to her, because it was something that she was wronged by. And to show that there are still some good people out there who are trying to make things right.” After the tentative peace, dealing with this became Dairon’s next focus. “I was glad we finally got to it. So many people don’t have the opportunity in their lives to get that sort of justice and vindication, so if I can bring elements of that justice into our world, even for our own hope, I’m going to do that. Especially for my wife’s character, especially for a character that deserves that.” Taliesin points out that if it had come too early, Beau wouldn’t have believed it.

Cad’s thoughts on the Tomb Taker betrayal? “He knew it was gonna come at some point. There was no way that was gonna last. He was hoping it was gonna last a little longer. He was really hoping they had a vested interest in getting them all the way to the end. Nope, this is apparently as far as we go, and he was not prepared for that.” He was expecting the potential for de-escalation. “Caduceus is the only character in there that doesn’t have a history with Lucien. I think he sees him a little more clearly than everybody else does. They’re all looking for this person that Clay, at least, is of the opinion that he’s just not there. This is a very manipulative, very dangerous infernal human. Just smarter than all of them. Really aware that there is no calculating what the hell is going to happen. Conversation is the only way you can deal with someone like that.”

Fan Art of the Week: An amazing Caleb closeup! (rynn_birb on Twitter)

Taliesin on Lucien: “I’m excited he’s the one that’s going to kill us all. Poetic that this is how the game ends.” Matt was delighted when Taliesin handed him carte blanche to do what he wanted with Molly’s past. “I was like ‘shit... oh, wait!’ The character of Lucien was always intended to be an antagonist so that it would have been Molly being chased by the person who wanted their body back. But then it happened that he got his body back.” Taliesin: “He’s so much worse than I ever hoped.”

Matt, on the Holy Avenger: “I hadn’t thought to initially even give that sword.” The good roll was the only reason Kima handed that over. “Well, sure, you get the sword. It was very reactionary, it wasn’t my intent originally. I was like, well, I mean, there’s two avenues she can take with this.” Multiclass into Paladin, or lean into the fact that her subclass is essentially a barbarian paladin. “This really works out in a uniquely beautiful way. Let me see if I can lay out a path for her to earn it.”

On Cad’s attempt at lying blowing up in his face: “He was like that kid that had a really bad day in high school and was like, you know what? I’m going to let loose. This is it. I’m gonna dye a streak in my hair. And then tries to give himself a haircut and ends up with half bangs. Well, okay, obviously I’m not that person. I was feeling a little distraught and I didn’t handle it well. Maybe I’m going dark... no, I’m not going dark. Nope.” Matt mentions how much he relates to Caduceus.

Matt, on the Eyes: “What can I tell you? I’m enjoying the hell out of it. The moment they began to really push to read that book, I was like, okay, this is on you. I’m excited for the point in the narrative where the march continues back to Eiselcross. I am almost impatient - not really - because we’re on the cusp of getting to more of the meat. There’s so much to learn, so much to see, so much to explore. I love instilling my players with absolute terror.”

Thoughts on Jester’s Tarot reading? Taliesin cackles. “Molly made the cards, so. Did it to himself, he did, he did.” Matt: “Once again, another example of things working out unexpectedly and too perfectly for an improvised moment. Fuck.” Taliesin: “Bless the wisdom of chaos.” Matt: “I love that even at this point in the campaign, Molly continues to fuck with people. I’m just so proud. That deeply shook Lucien, for reasons.” Taliesin: “It’s the everlasting gobstopper smoke bomb.”

[blorbologist]

For the Weirdly specific and overly long Critical Role Ask Meme (Please pick and choose if you would prefer): 1, 5, 6, 7, 15, 16, 30, 33

Sorry this took so long anon! I had to pace myself kerngknrt

1.Answered!

5. Meta you would write if you did not fear people would be SUPER weird about it. This is also an invitation to write that meta and block the haters.

How sometimes the fandom just needs to... fucking shut up and roll with it. These aren't our characters - they're probably some of the most complex many of us have ever interacted with, by virtue of hundreds of hours of time spent with each. Sure, you might think there's one way a character should respond to a situation - but in their player (or Matt's) head there's likely a good handful of other factors going into the character's reaction to any given event. Emotional state, stress level, who is around, where they are, etc. Yes this about Percy shut up.

If a character surprises you? Great! Think about why that is - what disconnect you have between what you expected and what happened and what could have prompted that.

What they're presenting is canon - they love these characters more than you or I possibly could, even writing hundreds of thousands of words of fanfic for them. We aren't in their heads. We didn't make them. Instead of trying to reshape canon to fit your idea of what they should be, instead take a chill pill and roll with the punches. And keep in mind that you likely don't have all the information. Going back to Percy - look at that! He and Vex had a whole fucking plan ready we and the Hells didn't know about! Be open to alternative interpretations - sometimes a look is in character, sometimes it isn't, and it's hard to draw that line.

It's a game. Canon is being shifted and rewritten constantly. Stop being dicks to other fans, the cast, and especially Matt when shit doesn't align with your imperfect understanding of the setting or characters. (Or, even if it WAS perfect in the past - the setting and characters are always evolving! A perfectly in character moment for episode 1 Caleb is not necessarily true for episode 140 Caleb. Matt changed the ages of the de Rolo kids and we don't know why. It's canon now unless he decides to retcon it. Form your headcanon around canon.)

6.NPC you would most like to see as the subject of a Tales of Exandria series.

Cerrit's daughter, Maya. She has that orb! What she gonna do with it? I still love the idea she founded the Cobalt Soul, and a POV from during/immediately after the Calamity would be... insane.

7. Alternate outcome in a main campaign that you don't necessarily wish happened, but that you wish you could see played out in an alternate universe before returning to ours.

... Jazzhands @ my 'Vex is the Raven Queen's Champion' AU.

TBH? I think at the table it would have been terrible for Liam to see his PC's twin succumb to that fate and be denied the chance to stop it. But in the campaign man it'd be juicyyyyy

15. Favorite one-on-one conversation (can be between two PCs, or a PC and NPC).

Vax and Percy's conversation in the Raven Queen's shrine. I just - FUCK! So many banger lines. The undercurrent of conflict between them. The framing, with the shrine, what it Means. The subtle shovel talk. damn!!!

16. Favorite group (all/most of the party) conversation.

I... think it might be when Vax emerges, naked, in the Feywild. All the worry, the heartbreak, the slow unravelling of what it means, their initial planning on what to do next. It’s got both solid emotional beats and some good plotting - which? Call be controversial, but my autistic ass loves it when they plan! Yes, narrow things down, discuss your options! Throw out shit ones, at least you’ve addressed why they’re shit! Also - eyeball.

30. What is your favorite theory or headcanon that has absolutely no bearing on the plot and isn't important at all, but which is completely compliant with canon?

Vesper is an aasimar. fuck you. she is and forever will be in my heart. it’s the angel/devil duality, it’s her hair turning white despite absolutely not going through dad’s stressful hell, it’s the fact Vex was pregnant when Pelor blessed her, it’s so many little things that Matter to me!

33. You may ask any member of the cast one, and only one lore clarification question. What do you ask?

I think I’d ask Taliesin “What are, or were, the personalities of the non-PC de Rolos?”. Maybe he’d focus on Percy’s parents and siblings, or maybe on the kids - but given how he elaborated on why Gwen is totally not Percy’s favorite I’d like to think he’d have very complex and rounded thoughts on each. Asking him also opens up the possibility of the past and present family being addressed, vs asking Laura would 100% result in quarter-elf info, and I feel she’d likely focus more on vibes/a few interesting big traits vs how they work as characters? 

[kirinda-ondo]

You know him, you either love or hate him (or are moderately confused by my sudden dive into this hyperfixation); we're talking about Orko because I have a lot of feelings.

As a disclaimer, I am not gonna claim to be some kind of superfan. I am not aware of every single iteration of the lore and all of its secrets. I don't know anything about the DC comics. I'm only halfway through the 2002 series as of me writing this. I am not someone you want to have discussions on the wider Masters of the Universe.... universe with. However, after watching Revelation, the entire Filmation He-Man (and some of She-Ra, cause he was there too), and going on a deep dive of storybooks, annuals, and minicomics courtesy of He-Man.org and the lovely people who submitted their scans there, I do feel pretty qualified to at least talk about Orko.

So, with all that being said, I'd like to get into a little bit of backstory, if only for my followers who came to this blog for completely different things and are wondering where the hell my love for this funky little wizard dude came from all of a sudden. Truth is, Orko is actually one of my earliest faves! Mind you, I only had limited access to Masters of the Universe as a kid, only seeing a couple of rented VHS tapes and later getting my hands on a small pile of the Golden Books from Goodwill, but apparently it was enough for Orko to  imprint himself into my brain. However, also due to my limited exposure, he kind of got shifted to the back of my head as I got deeper into other things. I still knew for a fact I liked Orko a lot though, even if I couldn't quite remember why anymore.

And then Masters of the Universe: Revelation dropped on Netflix. I'm not gonna get into my opinions of that show lest I open a flood of irrelevant discourse (for those uninitiated, it is a bit... divisive, to say the least). However my feelings on the matter did encourage me to go and watch the original and well, holy shit I love Orko more now than I could have ever comprehended as a kid. He is THE quintessential underappreciated comic relief character I tend to gravitate towards, and then some.

But before I get into that, let me back up a bit and explain. Orko is a Trollan, a race of magical little dudes that are basically floating sweaters with hats and covered up faces. Out of these Trollans, Orko is an incredibly fucking OP archmage. Like, they straight up call him Orko the Great, he's so powerful. But then, he gets caught in a freak storm that whisks him away from his home dimension and into Eternia. Immediately, he runs into a young Prince Adam, who is trapped in a swamp/tar pit and needs rescuing. Orko, being the upstanding lad that he is, uses his magic to save him but in the process loses the item that allows him to focus his magic to the swamp (in the 80s version, it's a medallion, but in the 2002 series, it's a wand). Worse yet, the magic (and dare I say the very laws of physics) in Eternia works pretty much the opposite as it does in Trolla, so he's been incredibly nerfed.

So basically, Orko is trapped in a topsy-turvy world away from friends and family, a world with magic he is fundamentally incompatible with. Ouch. He's not completely screwed, however, as he is rewarded by the king and queen for his heroism and appointed... the court jester. Double ouch. He surprisingly doesn't seem to mind though. He genuinely does enjoy entertaining people, even when his tricks only ever work like half the time because he's basically a Mac program trying to run on a Windows computer.

It's not all horrible though, as he does quite literally get adopted by the royal family  and thus sort of become the entire palace's weird son/little brother (despite being older than many of them. He's very, very child-coded largely for the purposes of being a stand-in and example lesson to the actual children watching). But also, more importantly, he becomes one of the very select few to know that Adam and He-Man are one and the same.

But outside of secret-keeping, he is actually a pretty valuable ally to have against Skeletor and his dudes because even though his magic is kind of screwed up, when it does work, he's still one of the most powerful mages on Eternia. In various materials, he's created floods, a second winter, and hell, he can literally explode himself and still be perfectly fine. He's also really clever and can weasel his way out of a number of situations. In one episode, for instance, he manages to convince someone that he's He-Man and Adam is his "assistant" in order to free him from captivity so the day has a better chance of actually being saved.  He's also got the ability to just be really frustrating and incomprehensible to the point that villains who capture him sometimes either don't want him or don't know what to do with him anymore, which is honestly really funny. In an episode of She-Ra, the villains tried to scan his brain but because the inner machinations of his mind are that much of an enigma, he got diagnosed a weirdo and broke the entire machine. Absolutely delightful.

However, there's a lot more to Orko than just comedy and bungled magic. He's actually surprisingly complex!

See, going into this, I expected Orko's whole situation be played entirely for laughs while the sadder implications of his existence go entirely unaddressed. Coming off the heels of characters like Cobalt and others I enjoy, I'm used to this sort of treatment by writers. But they actually don't do that. The depressing subtext is for once, actually TEXT, which was INCREDIBLY surprising to me. We actually get to see another side of him, a side that hates that he can't be taken seriously no matter what he does, a side that is well aware of all the trouble he causes and feels like a burden to those around him. He actually runs away on multiple occasions, fully believing that he's unloved and everyone would be better off without him, even if that couldn't be further from the truth (a point which the Sorceress hammers home with multiple straight up magical video presentations, and in the 2002 series, a literary adaptation, of why he is loved and important).

Underneath all the hyping himself up that he does, there's a lot of insecurity. He's someone who desperately wants to be loved and respected and feels that without funny magic tricks to entertain people, he has no inherent value (which is incredibly relatable if you are also known by people as The Funny One). At one point he agrees with the notion that he doesn't feel like much more than a pet, which is absolutely heartbreaking. Even when he gets the ability to go back and forth between Eternia and Trolla, his feelings of inadequacy now extend toward his family, worrying that his own uncle, the one who taught him everything he knows and greatly contributed to him being Orko the Great back home in the first place, wouldn't be proud of him. Being on Eternia highkey wrecked his shit, man.

However, even when given the opportunity to go back home for good, he always chooses to stay because he's loyal as hell. Even if he needs some reminders, he does know he's needed not just in the fight against evil, but just because his friends and newfound family genuinely love him. It's heartbreaking, but also incredibly wholesome. I did not even remotely expect a comic relief character like this to get this much depth and respect from the writers, especially not from the incredibly campy and cheaply animated 80s series. I am genuinely so unused to this.

But I think that's also what separates him a bit from his fellow Silly Kid Appeal Characters That Kids Fucking Hate ala Snarf Thundercats or Scrappy Doo. He not only makes a concerted effort to be an actually useful ally, but he's also in fact very self-aware of his status as one of these characters. He knows he screws up a lot but he actually tries to accept responsibility and fix it. It makes me wanna root for the lil dude. Now I understand if someone isn't a fan of the brand of humor he brings to the table, or feel like he's simply a distraction from the Cool Buff Dudes Fighting Each Other, but I hope you can see why he might also be a really appealing character to other people, both kids and adults alike. I mean, he was popular enough to be embedded into the canon despite originating from the cartoon and not the toyline for a reason, after all.

Orko is a fun, entertaining, but also complex, heartwarming, and relatable character. I know there is a faction of people that would disagree with me, but I don't think you need to change him all that much or make him a super serious character to be more appealing. He's already got a lot going on that a writer could easily work with. It all just depends on where you decide to focus. Take a lesson from the show and accept that he's fine just the way he is.

[megabees]

On Pike, Yasha, and Ashley Johnson

so i don’t see a lot of meta surrounding yasha or pike, and while i understand a lot of it does stem from Ashley’s absences on the show, I think there are a lot of similarities between Pike and Yasha and I want to talk about them, as a noted Pike and Yasha stan. this is inspired by meta posts by @c-is-for-circinate​ and @your-turn-to-role​, and i want to just mention that all their metas are great. 

(if you aren’t here for my long meta (and it is long), the TLDR is that Ashley explores interesting things in both her characters, such as how leaving/being left behind affects you, the idea that you can be both soft and hard at the same time, and unknown faith in a higher power, and how we don’t give her enough credit on that)

One of my biggest regrets about Pike is that with Ashley at Blindspot, we didn’t get to see her have the character arc that I feel like she deserved. Playlists for Pike include exploration of her anxiety, the feelings that she is always the one being left behind and that she is too busy tending the hearth to be able to be there for her family, being torn between doing battle and healing (much harder when you’re the only cleric, rather than Jester’s Battle Mercy vibe), and her feelings towards both Scanlan and Percy. 

Those are a lot of nuanced feelings, and I think while Ashley wanted to explore them, she was robbed of some of the ability to do so by Blindspot. Due to this, I think occasionally she falls victim to the fandom trope of forgetting that a character can be complex, and that happens even in the show. Characters like Vax, Keyleth and Percy all come to her with their problems, and she takes their problems, hints at her own, but they are never unpacked. I think a prime example of this comes in Episode 54 of campaign 1, in the conversation following Vax’s trip to the Raven Queen Temple. Keyleth comes to Pike, as she’s confused by Vax and the Raven Queen, and the following conversation ensues. 

Keyleth: I guess I just - I've always respected you and looked up to you, and... you're a cleric of Sarenrae, but you still seem to be very much in control of your life and your destiny, and you seem to know where you're going. 

Pike: It's okay. I feel like maybe I just look that way, because I don't feel like I have much of anything together, or know where I'm going. 

-brief break to talk about Vax and the Raven Queen and how much we hate the Raven Queen-

Keyleth: Would you say you haven't fully given yourself to Sarenrae? 

Pike:(hesitantly) I think I try to, but there's always that little part of me that thinks... or has doubt? So I don't know. 

Pike is in doubt! About her gods, about her destiny, (about the fact that she’s developing feelings for Scanlan and losing them for Percy), but we never explore that! And then Ashley has to go back and we have to fight some dragons and then Scanlan LEAVES, and she’s mad about that, and heartbroken. Remember those issues about being left while everyone else goes off? That factors into why she was so mad at Scanlan. He may have idolized her and hit on her relentlessly, but he made sure to check in on her and her well being, and he grew up once he had a daughter.  

Above all, Pike is a healer, and a devoted one at that. She’s loyal, and she’s kind and she puts others in front of her at all times. But it’s hard to do that all of the time, and it makes her get walked on sometimes. I love VM, but Pike is swayed easily by them, and they don’t talk to her about it as much as they should. (there’s some interesting meta to be done here about the way clerics are treated as not having their own problems and how they tend to repress rather than address, in both the MN and VM, but that’s for another time). She’s painfully aware of each time VM leaves her behind, and how her service stops her from helping her friends. 

On the other hand, Yasha’s exploration looks at how leaving can hurt your friends. She’s off to wherever the Stormlord calls her, but she doesn’t always provide that closure to her friends of where she’s going or how long she will be gone. In a way, the inverse of Pike. It’s explained as “oh that’s just what she does” by Molly in the very beginning, but when Yasha is taken by Obann, it is taken to a whole new level. 

Yasha joins Obann, and she does hurt her friends. She’s forced to kill the Cobalt Soul. She almost kills Beau in the cathedral. She hurts Fjord below the earth. For a while, she is gone and she is hurting innocent people, and that affects her emotional state. How is she supposed to gain these people’s trust back, especially after they are used to her not sticking around? I think this is one of the main reasons (other than Blindspot ending) that Yasha sticks around after the Cathedral. Ashley says in her first playlist that “She realizes it’s better to keep a safe distance from those you care about. It’s better not to care. Leave in the night. Search for more answers. Leave, because where she’s going, she can’t be saved anyway.” This is Yasha’s attitude up until she is let back into the MN after almost killing Beau. They are still kind to her. They pull her up from the depths. In the second playlist, Ashley writes “The Mighty Nein had compassion for her and took her back in, even after almost killing Beau. They showed her love. But forgiving yourself takes a lot more time…In life, it’s so much easier to punish yourself for mistakes than it is to forgive. But sometimes, SOMETIMES, love makes it through the cracks. The greatest balm for certain wounds, for healing, is love and acceptance.” 

Yasha is learning how to let people in, to let herself be taken care of and to take care of others. She is learning how to reconcile the soft parts of her with the hard. That’s the other thing so compelling about Ashley’s characters. Both Yasha and Pike play with the juxtaposition between hard and soft, between strong, loud, angry with timid, quiet, kind. Pike is “a MONSTAH.” She’s small, but she’s tough. A healer, but one who would rather be hitting. Yasha is big, but she’s so tender. A tank, but one who heals immediately. There are no shortage of incredible female characters in CR, but the way that Ashley creates characters who don’t play to type shows me that she knows how to mix up her characters for conflict. A tenderhearted, mild barbarian and a tough, bold cleric provide an inherent contrast within their characters which allows for a more tangible personage. 

In addition, Pike and Yasha both find themselves perplexed by the gods, but leading with unwavering faith. The Stormlord saved Yasha. He plucked her from a rage and reminded her of who she was. Sarenrae saved Pike. She was in a family who had an unfavorable reputation, and she was reunited with Wilhand, who gave her a relationship with Sarenrae and Grog. These interceedings from the gods produce an unrelenting faith, even when it’s hard, and move both Pike and Yasha to a higher mission of growth. 

In summary, Pike and Yasha are incredibly complex characters, and with a brief peek behind the curtain, we can see the ways that they’re similar. Ashley plays quiet sometimes, but her scenes in which she’s in control are spectacular, and her characters are as well. She bides her time, and she knows her characters well, what makes them tick and how they would react to certain situations. It’s a pity we didn’t get more time with Pike, but I’m looking forward to seeing where she takes Yasha. 

[rohad93]

Green Thumbs

It started with a few tiny, golden, colored flowers that Blue had given her on a return trip from one of her former colonies that had needed her intervention in dismantling some of the more complicated systems. 

It had long petals that tapered into near razor-sharp points and nearly matched the hue of the glimmering gem in her chest. 

She’d accepted the gift with thanks and a look that no doubt spelled out her confusion to her partner. At least she assumed by the way Blue laughed quietly at her under her breath with that fond look that seemed to be reserved only for her, different from the look she would gaze at Steven or Spinel with. 

“They reminded me of you.” was the simple explanation for the plant. If nothing else, that made her hold the tiny organic fauna all the tighter.  

Later she had placed the flowers in her personal rooms and would look at them often, but within a few rotations, they had started to sag down, their brilliantly colored leaves beginning to wrinkle and coil at the edges. 

She reached out and ran her fingers gently over the petals that had begun to pucker and shrivel and frowned.

Her knowledge of regular organic life was limited, except for ways to destroy it. In terms of fauna, she knew even less, but she did know someone who was more than knowledgeable on the subject. 

The diamond line didn’t ring long before the youngest diamond appeared on screen, surprised by her call no doubt. 

She held the plant up for him to inspect and explained the situation.

“A gift from Blue, huh?” He smiled knowingly and Yellow only huffed but didn’t argue.

Steven was happy to explain how to keep the plant alive, even sending her several digital copies about how to care for all manner of plants. He wasn’t confident it would survive though since his area of expertise was earth plant life and this had come from a faraway star system he had never even heard of, but hopefully, the same principles would apply.

She watered it and it did perk back up after a few cycles, color, and plumpness returning to its soft petals and stems.

Yellow smiled to herself as she ran a gentle hand over the reinvigorated petals and then couldn’t help but notice how empty the large shelf looked with the single plant sitting on it.

Which was really how it started.

That one plant eventually became two and three and before she knew it Yellow’s rooms had become a veritable garden of plants and flowers that ranged from every size shape and color imaginable, even having stepped shelving build into the room to hold the plethora of fauna that now took up so much of the once cavernous space. 

Since most of the plants had come from far off places in the galaxy Steven’s advice on caring for them could only take her so far, instead, she dove into her extensive library of notes about every planet that she took a plant from, careful to only take plants that lived on worlds that had similar atmospheric conditions to Homeworld after the first plant that all but exploded after only a few cycles on the planet’s surface.

Apparently, unlike the gems that were created out of these plants’ mineral resources, the organic life was a bit more… sensitive. Something she kept in mind, carefully monitoring each new addition to her growing greenhouse for a while after its introduction, though she found the word to be lacking as there was a plethora of colors now splattered through the room, though if she were honest with herself, there was more than a handful of blue and pink toned plants and flowers dotting the room. 

She didn’t need to look too deeply into what that meant. She was nothing if not self-aware.

Even with Steven and Spinel to help fill the void, there were times when her gem ached fiercely at the sight of anything with those bright magenta hues, but as sharp as that pain sometimes was, it was more often than not a dull warmness. A fleeting thought, and sometimes not so fleeting, at how pleased Pink would be with everything as it was now.

Yellow snorted to herself as she gazed down at a plump, blush-colored flower with an uncountable amount of tiny layered petals making it up, even as that pain tried to ignite itself in her core.

The once smallest diamond would have been absolutely beside herself to see the three of them now, perhaps herself especially. 

Tearing her gaze away from the plants in question, her eyes immediately found what she might say was her personal favorite. 

A flower from a faraway world on the edges of the once empire

It’s six nearly symmetrical petals were a pale almost violet color at the center, darkening toward the tips into rich cobalt, where they the curled ever so gently under.

They were small, considering all the plants around her that dwarfed them in size and grandeur, but it fit in the palm of her hand and the deep, complex colors and simple beauty reminded her so much of Blue that she’d planted a number of them to make up for their lack of size and presence. 

While she could visit her counterpart anytime she wished Yellow still had many things to make up for and an immeasurable amount of damage to fix as far as shattered gems and her experiments were concerned, such as the cluster, luckily she had an eternity to correct it, in fact she often lost track of the time and Spinel was forced to come and fetch her when she had worked past an appointment time.

She could spend long amounts of time at her desk, carefully piecing together even the smallest nearly microscopic shards until she had a whole gem. Sometimes though, she just didn’t have all the pieces. Those were not good days. Those were days she would have to walk away, with the air crackling with the unspoken threat of an electrical storm. 

Today was just such a day. 

She had gone through every bubble in her possession and couldn’t find the last pieces she needed to fix the gem she was currently working on. These bubbles had been early, smaller prototypes of the cluster, so none the gems here were part of the cluster, meaning that the pieces she needed were simply gone, lost.

A frustrated noise worked its way out of her throat as she carefully placed the incomplete gemstone, with its jagged, splintered edges back in her bubble and looked at it for a long moment before setting it specifically to the other side of the room, where several other similar gems sat, incomplete, for always. 

A grim reminder that while she could work nonstop till Homeworld ceased to exist, that she would never be able to completely erase all the mistakes she had made, nor fix all the pain she had caused. 

The longer she stared at her failures the more energy began to burn and sizzle across her skin in little sparks but then in jumping arcs or brilliant yellow light.

Her jaw set and electricity buzzed around her closed fists. She turned, ready to unleash the pent up energy when the sight of all the vibrant plants helped her reign it in, as one wrong placed firing of her powers could send the whole room up in a blaze and she had worked much too hard carefully cultivating all the fauna to let her temper send it all up in flames within mere moments. 

She lowered her raised hand and sighed, letting her powers fizzle out as quickly as they had reared their head.

She could still feel the pent up energy crackling beneath just beneath the surface and set about watering and pruning the plants, losing herself in the calming monotony of the tasks, much like when she put gems back together. The frustrated energy bleeding out with every snip of her tiny shears and pruning of a wilted leaf or flower as she knelt on the floor, the remains becoming ash nearly instantly in her hands.  

She became so engrossed in the task that she never heard the doors slide open with a quiet hiss, nor the quiet rustling of fabric.

"I very much like what you've done with your rooms." 

Yellow jerked, looking over her shoulder to find Blue, standing behind her, admiring all the plants that littered every available space that wasn’t needed for walking or working. 

“Blue! I didn’t hear you come in…” She stood, brushing any specs of soil, imaginary, or otherwise from her form. 

“So I noticed.” She smiled a hint of laughter in her voice. “It’s beautiful, Yellow. Whatever made you decide to take this up?”

“Thank you.” She set the shears down and clasped her hands behind her back. “It wasn’t something I planned…It just happened, I suppose.” Her eyes looked over the dozens of plants, easily finding the source of the indoor garden. Blue followed her gaze and saw what she was looking at. 

The golden flowered plant that she had given her nearly a month previously, a bright spot, nestled between two of Yellow’s favorite blue, flowering plants.

“Oh!” Blue walked quickly over to the plant and ran her fingers over the bright, healthy leaves. “You still have this?” She looked surprised and Yellow looked affronted.

“Of course,” she huffed. “I never dispose of a gift.”  

Blue leveled a long look at her and she scoffed.

“I never dispose of a gift from you,” she clarified, and Blue smiled.

“I know you don’t, but to be honest, I didn’t expect it to live this long,” 

She was doing her best not to laugh in the face of the scandalized look Yellow was now making. 

“I’m glad I was wrong though, and I very much like all the additions. It adds some much-needed cheer in here.” 

Yellow only grunted, turning to look at the flowers instead of Blue, who walked up beside the quiet gem, adamantly refusing to look at her and laid a gentle hand on her arm, stopping at her side.

“I didn’t mean anything by it, darling, only that caring and nurturing organic life is just so… different from what you did before it’s surprising is all. It is very beautiful,” she insisted.  

Yellow hummed in acknowledgment, diamond-shaped pupils finally sliding over to meet Blue’s, who smiled at her when she did, tightening her hold on the golden gems arm.

“Considering how adept she was at breathing life into all manner of things, I think Pink would be very proud of what you’ve done as well.” She hummed, laying her head on Yellow’s shoulder as she looked at all the brightly colored plants, eyes drawn to the brilliant fuchsia ones just behind the ones she had given Yellow.

A hand reached up to lay itself gently over the one she had curled around Yellow’s arm and she looked up to find golden eyes fixed on her. 

“I think she would be proud of all of us.” The tone left no room for argument and Blue only smiled, laying her head back on Yellow’s shoulder.

“Yes, I think you’re right.” 

[beauregardlionett]

don’t blame it on the kids

AO3 Link

Leaving felt like finally being able to take a clean breath after being stuck inside that house for the duration of that torturous reunion. Her parents were suffocating, the décor was suffocating, and their false kindness and hollow apologies were suffocating. Beau had come so, so close to losing her shit, to just snapping and tearing everything inside those rooms apart. Her friends at her back and her side had been helpful in presence, and while she wished just a little that they had spoken up on her behalf before she started crying, she didn’t fault them for being out of their depth. The majority of them came from broken families; they didn’t have experience with how to react when parents started humiliating their child in front of other people.

Releasing her friends from the hug she had pulled them into, Beau wiped at her eyes as subtly as possible and cracked a self-deprecating grin she hoped passed as cocky, gesturing for them to follow her.

“Let’s get out of this hell hole. We’ve got a witch to find.”

As they walked – not towards town but instead out towards the mountains – Beau let herself fall in at the back of the group, Jester and her spell leading the way. It wasn’t raining too hard anymore; instead it was more of a fine, never-ending mist. Beau tipped her face skyward and closed her eyes, let it wash over her and pretended it could hide her tears and wash away the evidence of how incapable she was of facing her parents.

They walked for a while longer before it got too dark and Fjord made the executive decision to set up camp for the night. Caleb set up the bubble at the base of a half dead tree, part of the trunk inside, meticulous as always. Beau flopped down at the outer edges with her back against the tree, waving off the others’ offers to take watch in her stead. She told them that she didn’t feel like sleeping yet, didn’t mind staying up for a little while.

She found herself unsurprised when twenty minutes later, everyone else was asleep and Caleb stood to pick his way over them and plop down at her side. He didn’t say anything, but Frumpkin the raven suddenly appeared on his arm in a strange blink of the eye kind of trick. He took a moment to scratch two fingers against the back of the bird’s neck before Frumpkin hopped his way over to perch on Beau’s shoulder and settle quite comfortably against the side of her head. His feathers were warm and soft and the raven let out a single, quiet crooning noise before going silent.

They sat like that for a while, Beau not watching their surroundings but instead switching between staring out to the middle distance and flitting her gaze over their sleeping companions. Caduceus’ rumbling snores were a little quieter than usual tonight, more like distant thunder than a storm directly overhead. Yasha seemed content sleeping beside him, and Beau’s lips quirked at the corner as she looked over them. Fjord had taken up position on the opposite side of the bubble, a barrier between anything outside and the rest of their friends. Nott was curled into the space near the curve of his stomach, not touching but clearly taking comfort in presence. Jester had somehow smushed her way rather creatively into the narrow space between Yasha and Nott, snoozing quite soundly as she splayed across the ground.

Everything about the atmosphere inside this little dome radiated with content, and Beau had never been so happy as to revel in it than she was right now.

This was home. This was her family.

“Beauregard,” Caleb’s voice was quiet at her shoulder, and it was only as she looked towards him (careful not to knock Frumpkin) that she realized her vision was blurred. “You are crying.”

She almost pulled out that former excuse, almost said “hayfever” or “allergies”, but something stopped her. Something in the lack of judgment in Caleb’s eyes, something in the set of his mouth, forced the honesty out of her in that moment.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” She let out a very soft breathy huff of a laugh, low and humorless. Reaching up to wipe her cheeks clean with a little more force than strictly necessary, Beau looked away from Caleb and tried to take a steady breath.

“I uhm…I cannot…say that-that I understand, because I do not,” Caleb fumbled heavily through his words, blatantly uncertain of where to place his feet so as not to step on a landmine. Beau stayed quiet and let him try to navigate whatever he was trying to say. She had learned through experience that it was better to let him parse his thoughts out, to slowly untangle what he wanted to say and usually find the correct phrase along the way.

“But I want you to know, we – all of us – are here for you. We obviously do not know…everything. That you have been through. But I for one…I do not wish to watch you suffer through this by yourself.”

Beau stayed quiet for a while longer, eventually reaching up to bury her fingers in the soft feathers at Frumpkin’s neck, earning a quiet noise from the raven at the gesture. Eventually though, she burrowed her way out from behind the walls she had built up and up and up and up and went to greet Caleb for his efforts.

“I never wanted to come back here,” Beau whispered, afraid to lift her voice above that volume for fear of being heard. “I wanted to put this place behind me, forget that I had family here that didn’t want me and move on. I wanted to erase the memory of my dad slapping me across the face the night the Cobalt Soul took me away, to burn the letter my mother sent me, to never have to see TJ’s face because I knew I’d look into those big, innocent eyes and want to keep him safe. But…here I am.”

Frumpkin pressed a little more into Beau’s absent scratching and she met the gesture with a little more attention to her ministrations. Caleb remained quiet and present, solid and reassuring, at her side.

“Do you think I should forgive them?” Beau eventually asked the silence around them, eyes on Jester’s splayed sleeping form. “My parents?”

“You are asking someone who…you know what I did to my parents. I would give…anything to have more time with them. But for you, as I said, I don’t know everything that has happened between you and them, so I don’t think I can necessarily tell you what the right answer is here.”

It was kind of the answer she was expecting, but it still didn’t help and Beau felt more lost and useless than ever.

“But…I can say,” Caleb continued suddenly, and Beau glanced sideways at the wizard, mildly surprised. “You do not seem…happy with them. And from what I gathered, they were justifying – poorly – mistakes they made and trying to blame you for reacting as you did. Which I can tell you is wrong on their end. You should not be blamed for doing what you did in a bad, complicated situation. Especially since you were a child at the time.”

She wasn’t sure how to reply to all of that. Somewhere, tangled messily with the younger version of herself that believed everything that had happened was her fault, the logical version of Beau was calling out that Caleb was right. The Beau she had cultivated on the road, the one she had wanted to become when she was years younger and full of hope for a life of adventure that would expand her family’s profit; that Beau was shouting at the top of her lungs that Caleb had hit the nail on the head.

“But,” and this was the weakest version of herself speaking, the child that had taken to heart the fact that her father and mother had paid to have her dragged out of their home while expecting her replacement. “Maybe if I had just listened…and done what they asked, things would have been better and I could have made them proud. Maybe they wouldn’t hate me.”

“Well,” Caleb’s thick accent drew her back, Beau blinking the family around her back into focus, banishing the imagined faces of loving parents from behind her eyelids. “I would hate to think where we would be…without you.”

Abruptly, Beau remembered the words she had spoken to Fjord back in the tavern a few days prior. She was scared of facing her past because it was a past that didn’t include the Mighty Nein…and that she was happy here, like this. That she was scared of losing that happiness.

This was why.

She had been back in that god damn house for less than two hours and she was already trying to place the blame on herself, to maybe reason a way into fixing what had never been whole. In the year she had spent alongside this band of misfits, they had given her more than her parents ever had.

“Jester said she thought…that my dad wasn’t lying about caring about me. But I don’t believe her, not really. I just think he’s convinced himself that everything that happened three years ago was in no way his fault. I think he believes that he’s blameless…and I’m not ready to forgive him.”

She looked over at Caleb, kept her fingers buried in the warm, soft feathers of Frumpkin’s neck and took a tremulous breath.

“I don’t know if I ever will.”

Caleb met her with a steady look, and a firm nod. It wasn’t agreement, and it wasn’t disagreement. It was approval for a choice that Beau had made on her own, it was a reassurance that he would support her no matter what choice she decided to make in the end. He would not tell her what to do – none of them would. But they would stand at her back and Caleb would return the favor she so often granted. Caleb would give his shoulder for her to grab onto if she needed a crutch to steady herself on, a reminder that she wasn’t by herself in any of this.

Beau was so tired of crying, so drained from digging up emotions that she rarely ever let see the light of day. Despite this, her eyes stung with tears that lingered there and didn’t fall. She was too exhausted to cry for real now.

Caleb, in a rare display of physical affection, reached out, gently shooed Frumpkin off Beau’s shoulder and into the monk’s lap. He placed his arm around her shoulders, occupying the space Frumpkin had just been in with a steady hand, drawing her into his side. Beau went willingly, leaning into reassurance offered so unconditionally from someone who believed so whole-heartedly in the goodness inside of her.

This was reminiscent of their post-battle ritual, commiserating their wounds and finding solidity in the fact that they had managed to survive once again. In a way, Beau supposed that this was technically post-battle – one she had had to fight on her own. Caleb was offering her a second layer of protection, tucked into his shoulder inside the bubble. He was letting her take her time to lick her wounds and feel a little miserable before they continued on towards their goal in the morning.

Sniffling against the pressure of a cry-induced stuffed nose, Beau’s eyelids drooped with exhaustion and she tucked herself a little more securely against Caleb’s side and wrapped a careful had around Frumpkin in her lap. Tension unwound so rapidly from her muscles at the foreign feeling of total safety that Beau felt a little off kilter. But she was too tired to dwell on it.

“I am…sorry. By the way,” Caleb murmured, his mouth near her hairline as he tipped his temple against the top of her head. His fingers tightened a little around her shoulder as he apologize, and Beau hummed with sleepy confusion, brow crinkling slightly as she fought to stay awake.

“What for?” she whispered in return, petting her fingers against Frumpkin’s wing.

“For asking you to come back here in the first place. I know I often tend to put Nott above everyone else, but I never should have asked this of you.”

Caleb’s voice was tight with guilt, and Beau found herself drifting back to a few days prior, when the wizard had asked if she would do this for their friend. Not his friend, their friend. Maybe he thought it was selfish (and maybe it was), but Beau knew that this had to happen eventually, and she would stand by Nott through anything. Even through facing her family.

She thought of Nott happily popping open an expensive bottle of her family’s wine to spite her parents, of a sharp grin full of teeth and a lie meant to terrify her father, of clattering cups and a jade rabbit statue sitting pretty in Nott’s little hands. She thought of that night at the tavern, their ridiculous conversation about crushes, and Nott proudly proclaiming everything her little Luc was good at, like any decent mother would.

“If I knew this all would have happened when you asked, I would still say yes,” Beau murmurs after the silence stretched between them. “Nott is my friend too, and this is an important lead for her. You didn’t do anything wrong, Caleb.”

Seemingly not knowing how to respond to her lack of anger towards him, something he had clearly expected, the wizard remains silent and just wraps his arm that much more firmly around her shoulders. Beau hums quietly again and finally lets her eyes flutter shut for the night. She’s never felt safer than this in her life.

“Thank you,” she muttered, hoping her words were still coherent enough for him to understand as she dropped off to dreamless sleep.

[pirate-melody]

Just One Kobold

A story I wrote from the point of view of my D&D character, Captain Elijah Graeme. He used to be an active pirate, but now he is working with this party, the Band, to get out of his death sentence. This is based on a real event from our campaign.

It took all of Elijah’s willpower to not slam the door of his cabin. He braced himself against the desk and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. It didn’t work. He took out his flute to use as a distraction and keep his mind of what was troubling him, but his playing was as bad as it had ever been.

Elijah couldn’t believe Veezara had had the gall to let Vonnum out of his cell without even consulting him. Just imagining what he had seen upon entering the brig made his flute unintentionally jump an octave. Before Veezara had acted, Elijah had had half a mind to go ahead and release Vonnum himself. The dwarf had only been following his own traditions, and it wasn’t his fault that Elijah didn’t understand them. Also, Vonnum had been the only person on the ship to answer honestly about where the crew had been—more honest than Elijah’s own brother.

Veezara had let Vonnum out of the cell because he was upset that Elijah had imprisoned his friend, and person on the ship he had known longest. Elijah didn’t care. He had just put his brother in the cell with Vonnum; Veezara’s relationship with the dwarf was not a valid reason to release him. Then Veezara claimed that the captain had no authority over Vonnum. Elijah agreed, but he would never have admitted that to Veezara with the stunt he had just pulled. Then Veezara questioned the authority Elijah had on his own ship, and the pirate snapped.

Didn’t Elijah already realize how precarious his situation was? Hadn’t he just found out how little his authority mattered to the crew? He didn’t need Veezara to tell him how little his authority mattered. Military captains were commissioned; pirate captains were elected—but Elijah? He had done nothing to earn his place as captain. He had taken the position for his own ego, and now he was paying the price.

Elijah had assumed he was the only person for the role since the criminal half of the crew already knew him and would listen to him. He hadn’t even thought of his own brother, who would have the same amount of influence with the Cobalt Watch. Elijah wasn’t even able to be on the ship for the whole journey, having to spend days on end killing squirrels and dealing with elven politics. Nathaniel had been an obvious choice, but the pirate had been so caught up in the promise of adventure on the high seas with another band of criminals that he hadn’t even noticed.

Elijah hated that Veezara had pointed out this insecurity, so he had threatened him with a blade. It was far from his proudest moment, physically threatening a fellow party member, especially when he knew that Veezara could easily beat him in a fight. The cleric had even said as much, only making Elijah angrier. He wore so much armor that Elijah would maybe be able to get in one good hit before Veezara’s magic beat him to a figurative pulp. Elijah wished he could be better with his words, just for once in his life, rather than continue to hopelessly throw violence at all his problems.

Outside his cabin he heard another flute, somehow successfully harmonizing with the garbage he had been producing. He stopped and let the flute play a bit longer by itself. In his anger, the flute was telling him that this was how he should sound—not like a toddler who had found a flute and was trying to eat it. He should be trying to repair his relationship with his brother, not imprisoning him. He should know how to deal with an insubordinate crew—he had done it before; why was this time so different? He should be trying to find Leonora, not fighting Sahuagin. He should—

Elijah opened his cabin door to find Selva on the flute, mid-note, but she stopped playing almost immediately.

“That’s great playing, Selva. So much better than mine.” If there were a spell that let someone see annoyance, Elijah would be overflowing with it. Selva caught on quickly.

“No, that’s not what I meant! I was trying to. . .” She let out a huff. “Can I talk to you?” Elijah motioned her inside and returned to his seat at the desk. She sat in a chair across from him, her feet not touching the floor. “I know you’re mad at Veezara. It’s crazy that he just let that Vonnum guy out without even asking you. He said he was his friend and he’s known him for a long time, but I agree he should have talked to you first. But, Elijah, you’re his friend too, you know? And we shouldn’t be doing things for each other because someone’s in charge of us but because we’re friends, and we care for each other.” She stopped and looked up at him with hopeful eyes, but also with anger at how these people she had allied with apparently treated their friends.

“You’re right,” he responded. “I know you’re right. But I don’t like that you are. I can barely control the crew as it is, but he goes and does this, telling them that not even the party respects me. I’m allowed to feel angry.”

“You can be angry. I am too, at both of you. But remember all the things you’ve done together. Don’t stay angry forever.”

After Elijah’s acknowledging nod, she quietly left the captain’s quarters. Elijah assumed she would be talking to Veezara soon if she hadn’t already. He was glad Selva had intervened earlier in the brig. He didn’t know what kind of state Veezara would have left him in otherwise, though Elijah was sure he would have struck first and made it his own fault.

The Band wouldn’t get anything done without Selva. Today was an extreme example, but she always kept them from fighting. Selva was their peacemaker, though she was certainly a strange person to hold the title. Somehow the pink kobold had managed to keep two people that were both more than twice her size from getting into an altercation.

When Veezara later appeared at the captain’s quarters not looking incensed at Elijah, he knew Selva had again been successful. Apologies were grudgingly given and grudgingly accepted. Selva’s abilities didn’t reach so far as to have them leaving together arm in arm, but with where Elijah and Veezara had just been, she was still very impressive.

The Sahuagins would be a welcome distraction. Even though Elijah had reconciled with Veezara, he had still been reminded of the poor claim he had on the captaincy. Maybe fighting the Sahuagins together with his crew would help to cement his position. He half-wished he had been with them in Vestervatn. But if Selva could persuade Elijah and Veezara to make peace, then surely he could be the captain his crew needed him to be. With the help of just one kobold, Elijah and his stolen sword were ready to take on whatever came at them, whether that be Sahuagin, the Arctic Devil, or a disobedient crew.

[disasterhumans]

This post originally started out as a reply, of sorts, to tags made by @theregoesmylurkerstatus on this post

#its very interesting to me honestly #he's still so closed off after all this time #its almost like one if the Nein betrayed him he wouldn't be that hurt? #no 'why's or 'how could you's #just immediate survival kicking in #hardening himself towards it #i think the only betrayal that would cut through that and into shock would be jester 

But, as is often the case with things like this, I got carried away, and it just seemed to make more sense to make this a standalone post.

-

Fjord is, in some ways, a contradiction in terms. While all of the Nein love and value each other to varying degrees, I think it’s fair to say that Fjord is the person who values loyalty and community as ideals the most. He has a history of systemic abuse and bullying, but also a history of working as a part of a crew. I think Fjord had a lot of complicated—and perhaps contradictory—feelings about his life as a sailor, but by and large he seems to remember it more fondly than, say, Beau does her time at the Cobalt Soul. All of the Mighty Nein have had pasts marked by loneliness, but Fjord is the only person who found a community (of sorts) in the aftermath of that loneliness that wasn’t the Mighty Nein. So he knows what it is and he holds it dear.

We don’t know what Fjord was like as a sailor. From what Fjord’s said of that portion of his life, it seems like he didn’t have any particularly close bonds aside from Vandran. But that doesn’t really mean he wasn’t slightly more open then than he is with the Mighty Nein now. It feels like we might still be missing some specifics about his relationship with Sabien—maybe in spite of their early childhood antagonistic relationship, Fjord actually tried to open up and become friends with Sabien. Maybe he truly grew to trust him. Maybe he truly cared for him. And then Sabien went and destroyed the stability that Fjord had come to rely on (that stability seems to be the thing Fjord liked most about being a sailor), and also literally killed him.

And then Fjord washes up on shore with a falchion, new powers, and weird dreams.

And the next person he meets is Jester. Who is the only person of the entire group who is—and who has always been—an entirely open book. It’s been heavily implied that Jester and Fjord both know most—if not all of—each other’s backstories. And I think half the reason Fjord was able to open up to Jester (aside from her being generally pleasant and supportive), is because she probably opened up to him first. And because she so clearly has nothing to hide except her sadness. Fjord’s not good at reading people, so someone who is so open and genuine feels safe. And there’s also the fact that she’s the first person he met after his entire life changed. As Liam’s talked about re: Caleb sharing his background: it’s likely that at least part of the reason that Fjord shared his past with Jester is because he needed the catharsis.

There’s also Beau, who tends to answer people’s questions about her fairly straightforwardly, especially one-on-one (it’s just people often don’t ask her...) She’s not an “open book” in the same way Jester is. And she definitely has a certain amount of skill in deception. But she’s frank and honest in a way that I think Fjord probably found refreshing. Not “safe” in the same way he found Jester safe, but comfortable enough that he still feels like he can share the person he is now with her. Outside of Jester, Beau is the person who will consistently check on Fjord, and Beau is the person Fjord will consistently go to. I think there might be some contexts where a Beau betrayal may not “shock” Fjord in the same way a Jester betrayal would, but in a situation like the one down in the tomb, I think he would have been.

But every single other member of the Nein is closed off and twitchy and secretive. And Fjord isn’t the best at reading people—and I think he knows he’s not the best at it. He can tell when people are generally shifty and hiding something, but he can’t pick apart whether what they’re hiding are their motivations, or something else. Fjord has the same problem reading other people that certain parts of the fandom have reading Fjord—he keeps a lot close to the chest, and hides seemingly meaningless (to an outside observer) details, but is ultimately doing so out of shame and self-loathing. Given that uncertainty in being able to read others effectively, and also given that Fjord’s been burned by the betrayal of an ally before, it makes sense that he is generally reticent to grow close to people. Tens of episodes and several in-game months in and Fjord still doubts Caleb’s dedication to the group (granted, so does Caleb). It’s telling that the thing that’s gotten him closest to opening up to someone other than Jester, is Caleb offering to open up about himself in turn.

But, Fjord is a person who wants to be a part of a community. He wants the group to work (he’s like Molly in that respect). It’s what he and Caleb initially bonded over (and have circled back around to bonding over)—it’s also what he and Caleb had their biggest falling out over. It’s just that, for Fjord, The Group as an entity is sometimes more important than the group as a collection of individuals. He cares about all of them, he really truly does. But it’s a care that he’s carefully crafted a firewall for. If something goes wrong he can slam that wall up and safely keep separated his feelings for The Group, and his feelings for a member of The Group. I agree, that if any M9 member aside from Jester (and possibly Beau) did something to betray the group, that Fjord would have a similar response. He’s scared of being vulnerable in the same way he was after Sabien—or even after learning about Vandran.

But I think that connection is something Fjord wants. Fjord and Caduceus are similar in that they both seem to care for The Group as an entity, but also seem to be more emotionally detached. But where Caduceus’ detachment (as other meta-writers with a better grasp on Cad than I do have pointed out) comes from the fact that he already has a family, Fjord’s detachment is primarily a coping mechanism. A survival instinct. And it’s one that I don’t think he particularly wants most of the time. He doesn’t want to share his past, because he wants the Fjord he is right now to be the version of himself that the Nein love, and respect. I don’t know if Fjord fully realized how much other party members feel like they don’t really know him until Caleb brought it up (this in contrast to both Beau and Yasha, whom Caleb has few factual life details about, but with whom he’s had genuine and open conversations, and formed specific rapports).

All of this to say that I think it’s both true that Fjord is constantly prepared for people to betray and/or abandon him (see: his doubt the other’s would save them from the Iron Shepherds’; his doubt Caleb would want him as part of the team if he didn’t have powers), and also that Fjord would likely take that betrayal more personally than a lot of other members, regardless of who was doing the betraying. He might not be as emotionally devastated as Jester was/would be. He might not even be as angry as Beau would be (though if the succubus fight was an indication, Beau might just be sadly resigned if it was Caleb doing the betraying). But I do think he is internalizing Yasha’s apparent betrayal in a way the rest of them are not. Fjord immediately and specifically turns his castigation inwards for not being able to see and know that this betrayal was coming. He should know better by now after all, shouldn’t he? At a certain point, in Fjord’s view, if you keep getting betrayed it’s your own fault for being too stupid to see it coming (”fool me twice, shame on me”). And the more it happens, the more Fjord keeps wanting to throw up walls to protect himself from the hurt and self-hatred he feels, while at the same time one of the things he still wants most is to be accepted as part of a group. It’s a vicious cycle that keeps Fjord maintaining an arms’ length distance from the party, even while he is one of the first to take on responsibility for keeping the group as a whole safe, and “righting the ship.” It’s a constant push-pull of—I want to be accepted and cared for, but I can’t risk the danger of getting too close. Which makes Fjord’s reaction to leaving Yasha behind one of the most tragic, in my view. He’s lost a friend, but he’s also lost just that much more hope, or faith in the idea that one day someone might love and accept him without eventually turning on him

(Also as far as “whys” and “how could yous” go—I personally missed it during the stream, but I’ve seen at least a couple people point out that Fjord did ask Yasha “Why” when she attacked him. But by the time the group was talking about it as a whole, he had definitively settled on “she betrayed us, how could I have missed this. His emotional breakdown over her betrayal was small, and silent.)

[luckyjak]

fic: Lover (1/3)

Sixteen years he’s gone without a lover, and it hasn’t really bothered him all that much. Now that he and Essek have started fooling around, however, he finds it difficult to go on for too long without touching him. A story about intimacy, trust, and the process it takes to care about someone again. Shadowgast. AO3 Link

A/N: This story was brought to you by Taylor Swift’s Lover on repeat for three days straight. It was also inspired by the fact that a lot of Shadowgast fic is mostly about them boning, and while their sexual tension is in fact breath-taking, some folks need time before taking that step, and I wanted to see what that looked like in fiction with these two idiots.

But then, of course, the plot fucking grew, as plots are likely to do, and so we have this rather large fic of mine. There are three chapters (maybe four--chapter three is *long*) but it’s all already complete: it just needs editing. My goal is to have all of it up by Thursday so it can be immediately jossed, but I make no promises.

Comments are incredibly encouraging.

Sixteen years.

Sixteen years, seven months, twenty-three days, to be more exact. Sometimes his eidetic memory was more of a curse than a gift. That’s how long it had been since he last saw Astrid, had last kissed her, had last been with another person, physically.

And he had been fine. Really. Sure, there had been lonely nights here and there, days when he longed to have companionship of a different sort, not better or worse, more physical than Nott’s constant friendship, Caduecus’s quiet company, Fjord’s charm, Jester’s warmth and laughter, and Beau’s cunning wit.

He had a right hand and a perfect memory: he could make due alone, to take care of any physical need he might have. He might’ve missed the afterglow, the intimacy of having someone close by afterwards to hold on to, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t live without. He was adaptable. Besides, he highly doubted he would ever have another lover again, anyway, given everything that had happened in his life.

Who could ever want someone like him?

Except he was wrong, of course, because the past three times he’d seen Essek Thelyss in the past two weeks, they’d ended up exactly like this: pressed up against one another, trading hot kisses, exploratory hands caressing against cloth and skin.

He wasn’t even sure how it had even started: they had been studying together, talking quietly about-- something. It had been important, he was sure, but then they were kissing , like kissing-kissing, like Caleb-on-the-floor-with-Essek-on-top-of-him kissing. Caleb hadn’t wanted to stop, but eventually Essek pulled off of him with a sheepish smile and a dark purple flush on his face, and said he’d have to see him again soon, and left.

And Caleb could have came right then, harder than he’d been in years and left wanting on the library floor in the Xhorhaus, but he pulled himself up and managed to make it to his bedroom, where he spent the evening thinking of little else besides the dark purple color of Essek’s face and the way his body had felt pressed against his own.

He slept well that night. Better than he had in a long time, deeply and fully, to the point that Nott had to wake him the next morning when his internal clock failed him.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had wanted so much. Being with Essek was like turning his brain off in the best way possible--better than polymorph, even, because all he could think about was tongue and mouth and lips and skin.

The next time they met had been at an official affair, a meeting with the Bright Queen with Essek in attendance, cool and formal and every bit the perfectly poised professional. He would have thought he might’ve just imagined their earlier entanglement entirely, if Essek hadn’t grabbed him after the meeting and shoved him into a nearby coat closet.

He then proceeded to have a rather excellent ten minutes, and would have gladly spent even more time with him, trading lips and tongue and touch, if Beau hadn’t come looking for him, forcing him to quickly try and detangle Essek’s mantle from where it had gotten hooked into Caleb’s mythril shirt.

He had insisted on a private bath in the hot tub that night, away from the others, with the door locked tight.

Their latest encounter was a more formal occasion. An invitation, sent via a rather beautiful raven, inviting him to an unknown location that must have been Essek’s home, in order to “continue the discussion they had before.”

He didn’t quite know what that meant; they hadn’t discussed anything the last few times they’d been together, unless you counted the way they immediately gravitated towards one another, their magnetism more powerful than any spell Caleb knew.

They hadn’t had sex yet. They had, however, made out furiously, every time they’d been alone in a room together.

Which meant that when Essek invited him over, Caleb showered, shaved, bought another new coat, and very seriously considered asking his companions for advice before deciding against it.

Gods, but he wanted him badly. He’d masturbated more this past week than he had in the past decade, or so it felt like.

He had barely made it into Essek’s house before he found himself draped across Essek’s lap, the drow either unaware of or uncaring about the weight of Caleb’s bony ass pressed against his thighs. Essek had one hand snaked around Caleb’s waist while the other had a deathgrip on his thigh, squeezing and massaging and trending ever higher up Caleb’s body. Caleb, for his part, was busy concerning himself with Essek’s neck, and how sensitive his ears were, and what lovely little noises he was making, and wondering just how dark a color he could make his skin go if he kept biting his neck, and--

He felt the cold of the alarm spell wave over him before he heard it. He groaned, loudly, and his only consolation was the fact that Essek groaned, too, before pulling away from him.

“No,” he moaned, trying to pull Essek closer to him, even as the drow protested despite Caleb’s mouth on his chin. It had only been--

An hour? Really? It hadn’t felt like it.

“Sorry,” Essek apologized, pressing several fast kisses against Caleb’s face. “I thought we’d have more time before I was summoned to the Council.”

“When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know. I’ll come by this evening, if I can get away.”

He hadn’t come back that evening. Or the evening after that. The day after that, Caleb was the busy one, stuck out in the Xhorassian wilderness trying to find some Cobalt Soul artifact for Dairon and Beau that had been abandoned centuries ago.

Which was fine, really. He didn’t mind helping Beau--gods know she had done enough for him and the rest of the group so far.

What he did mind was the cold, and the lack of privacy in the dome, and the Storm Giants, and the fact that he could not get Essek out of his mind, and he was pretty sure if he didn’t have sex with that man soon he might actually physically die.

Which was stupid. He’d gone sixteen years without sex before. He could do it again. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he wasn’t a hormone-induced teenager. He could, in fact, wait. Patience was a virtue, or so they said.

...The fact that he convinced the group to return to Rosohna for a few days of rest before heading to Traveler-Con was something of a victory, however. Convincing Jester to cast Sending on Essek to find out if he was available that evening was even moreso. And by the blessing of some god Caleb didn’t really believe in, Essek was both available and had extended an invitation for Caleb to come over as soon as he got back.

Jester teased him horribly about it the whole evening, but it was fine. He’d endure whatever sort of teasing he’d get from Jester if it meant he got to see Essek again.

A quick shave and a change of clothes later, he made his way to Essek’s home, where he was invited in, led to the study, and then promptly had the door shut in his face.

“Wha--Essek?” He tried the door handle, but it was locked. A sense of panic began swelling in his stomach. Was this a trap? A trick of some sort? What if this was all a plot by Ikithon to get him to lower his guard and--

“I’m sorry!” The drow’s voice was muffled through the door, but it was still Essek’s voice. There was no mistaking his accent. “I just--I keep meaning to talk to you, but every time we’re in the same room together we end up kissing instead of talking, and it’s important that I talk to you. So...A door between us. So that we might converse.”

Caleb couldn’t help but laugh, the anxiety in his stomach lifting as he leaned against the door frame. “A bit of an overreaction, don’t you think? We’re both adults. We can--we can handle a conversation without kissing.”

“Oh, really?” Essek’s voice was smug to the point of pretentiousness. “So if I were to open this door right now, you wouldn’t kiss me senseless, despite not seeing each other for a week? How disappointing.”

There was a small click, and Caleb knew Essek had unlocked the door, but hadn’t opened it, instead leaving the hypothetical ball in Caleb’s hypothetical court.

A delicate situation: if he opened the door, he would inevitably want to kiss Essek senseless, thus proving him right for locking the door in the first place. On the other hand, not opening the door also proved him right, about neither of them having the strength to resist one another physically.

Clever man.

With a defeated sigh, Caleb turned around so that his back was leaning against the doorframe before he slid down it, so that he sat leaned against the door on the carpeted ground. “You may have a point,” he confessed, his head leaned against the door, his knees tucked under his arms. “You might’ve written a letter.” He offered, wishing that they had talked about whatever Essek wanted to speak about earlier, and not wasted the little time they had together by talking. Especially since talking verbally meant Caleb would have ample opportunities to put his foot in his mouth and ruin everything.

“I considered it,” Essek said. “But I wanted to hear what you had to say.”

That was intriguing. “What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

He could hear the hesitation in Essek’s voice as he took the time to carefully consider his words. “What--what are we, Caleb Widogast? Are we dating? Are we--are we just kissing for fun? Are you interested in me? Are you--Luxon above, are you courting me? I tried to do some research on Imperial courting practices but I didn’t get very far. Information about the Empire is...scarce, even for me.”

A fair question. One that Caleb might’ve thought to ask himself, if he had managed to think about anything beyond his libido for the past week.  “I--I don’t know what we are,” Caleb confessed, running a hand through his auburn hair, a few loose curls coming out of his hair tie. “We never talked about it. What--what do you want to be?”

A small chuckle. “I believe I asked you first, Widogast.”

He considered being pedantic and pointing out that Essek merely asked for clarification, not a specific desire, but after thinking about it, he realized he did eventually want to kiss him again, and arguing about something ridiculous like this wasn’t likely to lead to that situation. “I suppose I want whatever you want,” Caleb confessed, feeling small pressed against the dark wood of Essek’s home. “I--I enjoy spending time with you, Essek. If you wish to have a--a relationship, I’m open to the idea. If you just want to kiss again without changing things between us, I’m okay with that. And if you want to stop--whatever this is, between us, I--would respect your decision.”

He would hate it, but he would accept it, if that’s what Essek wanted.

(Gods, he hoped that wasn’t what Essek wanted!)

“Hmph. A diplomatic answer.”

“What do you want, Essek?” Caleb turned the question back on him, a little frustrated that his own answer wasn’t apparently good enough. “Do you want a relationship? Do you just want a--a friend with benefits? What do you want?”

“I want,” the dark elf sighed dramatically. “I don’t want a--what did you call it? A friend with benefits? I can serve my own needs, thank you.  If--if that’s all you are interested in, then I don’t see this working out, I’m sorry. And I think I’m too young to be courted seriously, especially by someone so--so different from me. At least right now,” Essek breathed in deeply, and while Caleb couldn’t see him, he could imagine that Essek was just a bit flustered as he spoke. “And I don’t want to stop kissing you, because despite all common sense and evidence to the contrary, I do rather like you, Widogast.”

“I can’t imagine why.” He said, in a dry tone of voice that could be taken as either a joke or seriously, depending. He meant it as a joke, but now that he said it, he was curious what Essek had to say in response.

“Is it so ridiculous to think that someone might like you, Caleb?” Essek questioned; Caleb didn’t have a response, feeling small and ridiculous. It took Essek a moment to continue. “I--you make me laugh, Caleb. And you treat me like a person, not just someone in a position of authority. And you’re so smart. I could talk to you about magic all the time and never get bored,” There was a slight pause as it sounded like Essek was readjusting himself. “And I suppose I find you very handsome as well.”

Caleb smiled warmly, a rush of butterflies filling his chest in a way it hadn’t since he was a teenager. “I like you too, Essek,” he confessed, surprising himself with his own honesty. He did like Essek: it wasn’t a lie or a ploy or a manipulation: just a genuine fact. The fact that they had kissed the last few times they had been together was just a bonus that came on top of a general appreciation for Essek’s company. “You’re charming and smart,” he toyed with the amulet he always kept around his neck, the one that kept him safe from scrying. “You’re always kind, to--to me, and to the rest of the Nein. That means so much to me. Most people in my life and in my past haven’t been very kind. And you are,” he breathed in deeply. “Incredibly attractive. I can’t even believe you would like someone like me.”

“What’s not to like?”

“I’m human? From the Empire? And there are so many more attractive men out there. Like, look at Fjord, he’s--”

“Not you.” Essek assured him, his voice soft and kind but solid, impossible to argue with. “And I like you , Caleb Widogast.”

He felt himself blush in the empty room. “I--I like you too, Essek.”

“Sounds like we like each other,” Essek teased through the door, causing Caleb to let loose a chuckle, the nervous swell in his stomach releasing. “I suppose we should date one another, then.”

“I suppose so,” Caleb agreed, moving his head off of the door, turning instead so that he was facing the door handle. He wanted to kiss him again. “Can we open the door now?”

“Just--one more thing. Two more things, actually.” Essek breathed deeply. “I don’t think I’ll get in trouble with the Dynasty for dating you, but I also don’t want to risk endangering my job. Does--will it bother you if we keep things subtle, while we’re in public?”

Caleb shook his head, then remembered that Essek couldn’t see him. “That’s fine. I can keep a secret. Can we tell my companions, or would you prefer to keep them in the dark?”

“I don’t mind if they know. It might be fun to keep them guessing, though. I’ll leave that decision up to you to tell them if you’d like.” Essek breathed in deeply, and Caleb could tell that he was about to ask something he was nervous about. “The second thing: I don’t want to have sex.”

That caused Caleb to pause. “...Like, ever?”

“No. Well, um, not for a while, I guess,” Essek laughed hesitantly, a fake sort of laugh that came mostly from nervousness. “It’s just the last two relationships I had, they both went--went too fast, and I ended up getting really hurt, emotionally, and I just--I want to take it slower, with you. Because I really, really like you, and if I end up fucking things up with you I’ll probably still have to work with you, because I’m the Nein’s liaison, and I don’t want to ruin things like I have in the past. And if that’s a deal breaker for you--”

“It’s not,” Caleb assured him, surprising himself with his own honesty. For all that he had touched himself since he and Essek had started-- this --he found he didn’t mind the thought of waiting, if that’s what his partner wanted. “We can take things as slowly as we need to. It’s--” he paused, playing with his necklace again. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been with someone, romantically or sexually. Taking things slow is probably a smart idea for both of us.”

“It’s been a while for me, too,” Essek confessed. “And please, don’t think that it’s not that I don’t want you, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s just, I want to do things right , with you.”

“Me too,” Caleb confessed. “Can I kiss you now?”

“ Yes ,” Essek laughed, opening the door behind Caleb. He was hovering at full height while Caleb sat on the floor, but he wasted no time lowering himself into Caleb’s lap, kissing him deeply but quickly. “Then you can take me to dinner, khalir. ”

--

They did make it to dinner eventually, though a bit later that they meant to. Kissing had taken longer than they meant it to, and when they had pried themselves off of one another it had taken a bit to straighten themselves out. They decided to disguise themselves while going out, and that had been its own moment of silliness as they discussed the pros and cons of various disguises. Essek had turned himself into another drow, a less attractive version of himself with longer hair, while Caleb adopted his blue tiefling disguise, looking very much like himself, if he had been born Jester’s twin.

They talked freely when they were out, holding each other’s hands and talking, getting to know one another in ways they hadn’t previously. He learned that Essek was the youngest of four siblings, and the only one of them that wasn’t a consecrated soul at birth. He learned that Essek wasn’t born into Den Thelyss, but had been adopted into it after they realized he had a talent for magic. Essek, likewise, learned that the last time Caleb had dated someone had been sixteen years ago; that Caleb liked the rice they’d had with dinner but greatly preferred bread, and that he’d only traveled with the Mighty Nein for less than a year, now, but that he considered them his family.

When Essek walked him home after dinner, they kissed on the front porch for twenty minutes, until Darion came out and shooed Essek away, like a parent might to a teenager who had stayed out past curfew.

The two days they were in Rosohna before Traveler-con, Caleb spent as much time as possible with Essek, which wasn’t nearly as much time as Caleb would like, because Essek still unfortunately had to work. But they had dinner together each night, and kissed for several hours afterwards, and talked almost as much as they kissed, and Caleb found he enjoyed both activities equally well.

Before the Nein left for the island, Essek had given him a gift. A notebook, blue leather bound, but sparked with the scent of the arcane. “It’s a messenger book,” Essek explained over Caleb’s puzzled look. “You write something in your copy, and it’ll appear in my copy,” he lifted his own book, a twin to the journal Caleb had. “It’s a way for us to keep in contact without using spell-slots.”

Like Jester’s sending spell, but written down, and something he could keep private, without the rest of the group nosing their way into his business. “I love it,” Caleb said, and then kissed his boyfriend, because he could. “I’ll write in it every night.”

“I hope you do. I want to hear about all of your adventures,” Essek kissed him back swiftly, before pulling away. “Am I teleporting you guys to this...island, right?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Oh, I mind. But,” he squeezed Caleb’s hand, letting their hands swing together between them. “I suppose I mind less now than I did previously.”

[theregoesmylurkerstatus]

Oof this new episode is blowing my mind. I'm just hoping that the M9 don't get framed for everything since they don't have authority. I'm so SO glad the headmaster knows about Vence, knows he just went to Rexxentrum which was then attacked? At least he'll be suspicious. The HFB really messed up the M9's sense of time tho. Not only would Marion and Yeza be freaking out but the Dynasty also prob thinks them dead/spies. Please send a message to Dairon too!

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME YOU KNOW I’M PARANOID. NO. Shoot now I’m gonna worry about this. Because yeah, from what I understand the Nein is now really starting to get involved in the grander, large scale events that Vox Machina was getting involved in around this time. But, uh, as others have pointed out, Vox Machina had a couple blue bloods with connections, and generally were of higher standing than the Nein are.

Because the Nein are poor orphan/poor self-made orphan/poor may-as-well-be-an-orphan/definitely not rich probable-orphan/rich parents with questionably helpful connections/rich parents who don’t care/missing family from the outskirts of society. And aside from the humble beginnings all but maybe two of them have, only Beau really has useful connections individually. Caleb’s connections… Well, we all know the problems with THAT.

Of course, the Nein as a whole have made two, maybe three solid connections at this point? Which is Essek, Yussah, and Dairon. Which are… Dynasty, unaligned, and Empire respectively. So from one perspective they have their bases covered, but none of those allies have a lot of sway over the Cerberus Assembly or have any direct line to the King, which is what they’d really need. Yussah could maybe bully Oremid Hass into helping them if they got framed or blamed, but that’s not all too solid, and the Cobalt Soul and the Assembly famously hate each other, so Dairon’s… also not going to be able to sway the Assembly much.

PLUS, if they got exposed as being the ones who both returned a Beacon and tipped off the Dynasty to the Empire’s invasion? Yikes. Yikes yikes yikes. They really wouldn’t be hard to blame, especially since they have three looked down upon races of their number, and the two humans are a famously temperamental Expositor who’s caused a decent amount of aggravation multiple times AND is a convicted criminal to boot, and the other murdered his parents and is an apparently somewhat famous almost-executioner. And they have two worshippers of illegal gods. AND ONE OF THEIR NUMBER IS ACTIVELY HELPING FREE THE CHAINED OBLIVION.

And that’s only getting into character defamation. Because the Nein have been the ones dogging at the heels of this Chained Oblivion plot from the very beginning. THEY’RE the ones who’ve found out just about everything. Almost anyone who knows anything about the rifts and the demons and so on have heard it second hand, taking the Nein’s word for it. It’s the Nein that have been running all over the place and getting into the thick of things every time.

All in all, it would NOT be hard to paint the Nein in a bad light and maybe, if the antagonistic parties in question were clever, even twist a good chunk of the Chained Oblivion mess back onto them. Of course, this wouldn’t necessarily be the route anyone would take (probably easier just to kill them on the battlefield, or have them executed as fast as possible without any sort of trial), but man. Framing. That always gets me. The Nein’s best hope in that case would be escape, hopefully aided by allies.

Also, YEAH, I don’t know if they comprehend that they have people who could worry about them? Like, Marion MIGHT be used to not hearing from Jester for weeks at a time occasionally, but it seems like Jester messages her offscreen a lot. Yeza and Luc might assume Nott is fine, since communication with them is more erratic, but like, still. Though, Matt could be willing to go with “yeah you checked in with them at some point” for those NPCs.

As for Essek… I don’t think Essek has ever gone this long without hearing from them. Because the Nein have known him 48 Days prior to the Happy Fun Ball (and if you include all the time in the Happy Fun Ball and after, 83 days), according to CritRoleStats. So he’s known them a while, and in the time he’s known them he’s had pretty regular contact with them. The Nein were always jumping back to Rosohna, and he almost always visited. Even when they went on weeks long treks, they’d message him for info, to ask a favour, or even just to check in.

And now they’ve been gone for almost the same amount of time he’s known them, 35 days, and he hasn’t heard from them once. To him, that’s uncharacteristic behaviour. Essek may be the one NPC who would think it’s weird the Nein have dropped off the face of the earth for so long. And on top of that, Essek has put a lot of trust in the Nein, as well as cautiously given them sensitive political info. The last they talked, there had been a break in, and he’d been under a lot of stress! And personally I subscribe to the theory that the Nein may be his own closest allies and peers, so I don’t think them disappearing on him helps his state of mind! I honestly think he may be freaking out slightly right now. CHECK IN WITH ESSEK!!!! HE NEEDS TO KNOW WHATS GOING ON AND THAT YOU’RE NOT DEAD!!!!!!

I mean, Matt may just let it slide and act like Essek hasn’t noticed anything is wrong if Jester messages him soon, but like. Logically, if the Nein have any kind of importance to Essek (and I think they do), he must be worried. Just a little, at least!

But uh… Yeah, those Empire people he decided to trust? They’ve vanished without a word, they haven’t been seen for about as long as they were there in the first place. You’re right, the logical options are either the Dynasty thinking them dead (not unreasonable) or spies. Who knows what Essek believes? This is the kind of NPC that I don’t think Matt will hand wave communication with so easily. And this might also be the kind of situation in which their unintentional actions have less obvious consequences.

I don’t THINK that the Nein’s relationship with the Dynasty will have dissolved because of a month long absence. But it could easily have been damaged.

In conclusion it’s possible that the Nein will get screwed over by the Empire AND be forsaken by the Dynasty! Unlikely, but there’s enough set up that it could be possible! Let’s hope not, though, lmao

[peterjakes]

Sam x Grizz Fanfic - ‘The light which puts out our eyes is darkness to us’

second part of ‘the sun is but a morning star’ series and kinda prequel to my last fic ‘things do not change; we change’ but with a focus on Becca and Sam!

also posted of ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21224972

Becca was cradling Eden, something she’d been doing and didn’t want to stop doing ever since she’d given birth to the most innocent and precious thing she’d ever seen. Eden was the cutest baby Becca was lucky enough to hold, even if she did say herself. She never knew something that had brought so much pain, a lot of pain, but could still make her so happy. Holding her, singing to her, talking to her, seemed to make all of her troubles disappear. They’d just moved back into the house; the bedroom she shared with Sam was now occupied by a variety of baby essentials, all crammed into the rather small room. It was a mess, but that didn’t seem to bother Becca. All she cared about was Eden; she couldn’t take her eyes off her, it was as if they were still attached, one body, one entity. She just didn’t want to let go.

Sam had left the two to collect some more supplies from the hospital. In all honesty, he just fancied the walk. The cold winter air was so refreshing on his crimson coloured cheeks. He needed some space; something he hadn’t had over the past week. Not that he was complaining, he loved Becca and loved Eden just as much. But he hadn’t had much time to himself recently. At first, he was extremely grateful for this. Having time meant thinking and thinking meant thinking about Grizz and thinking about Grizz made Sam far too emotional. Not that he didn’t want to think about him; if he couldn’t be with him, thinking about him would be the next best thing. But it was still too raw, too painful, even if it was all of Sam’s fault. Sam hated what he did to Grizz. That heartbroken look Grizz did so well, Sam had already seen too many times. He wished so many times he could have a do-over. If he’d just been more thoughtful, he could have salvaged it all. The way the two had left each other, it wasn’t the worst, but it certainly wasn’t the best.

Sam knew he had to tell Becca, one way or another. It wasn’t fair on anyone, including Sam. Like he’d said, he was so excited about Grizz, so happy, so content. Was he really going to just throw that away? Grizz already meant so much to Sam, just as Eden and Becca did, and he knew he could never truly forgive himself if he didn’t at least try to fix the mess.

Upon arriving back at the house, Sam geared himself up to admit all to Becca. He left the meaningless supplies by the front door and slowly walked up to his and Becca’s room. The girl across the room didn’t notice Sam at first, too entranced by the small baby in her arms. Sam tapped lightly at the door as if to ask for permission to come in.

“I have something to tell you.” Sam stepped forward, trying to mussel up the courage to tell Becca. Tell her exactly what had happened outside of the house. They’d been lucky enough that the day Kelly told Becca she could go home; it was the same day the expedition group had arrived back home. Sam didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if they’d started for home and bumped into the near riot that was happening. Becca has been so busy with Eden that she hadn’t asked again what was going on with everyone else. He was unsure whether she’d even noticed Allie and Luke were missing. Sam knew he didn’t have long left until Becca would leave the Eden trance and realise something was up.

“What’s wrong, Sam?” Becca briefly looked up from Eden, giving him a small smile, looking as if there nothing wrong in the world and there would never be again. Sam didn’t want to break this trance Becca was currently in, all he really wanted for her was to be happy. But he knew he could only keep this façade on for so long, and it wouldn’t do either of them any good to carry on lying.

Sam paused for a moment, pondering whether to tell her the truth or lie. Again. He decided with the latter. “Ah… just that the expedition group… they’re back. Isn’t that great?” It wasn’t a complete lie. The group had only come back last night, apparently looking so dishevelled and confused at the whole situation they had found the community it. Sam hadn’t seen them himself; he’d hidden away at the hospital since Eden was born, not wanting to get involved in anything. He knew that was cowardly, but he had a family to think about now. Gordie had kept him informed on everything; and as soon as Sam had realised what they’d done to his cousin, what his own brother had done, he knew something had to change. He just didn’t think he was the guy to do it.

Becca carefully placed Eden back in her crib, before looking back at Sam, not amused at all, she hadn’t fallen for it. “Sam. I’m not stupid. I had a baby. I haven’t lost brain cells.” She signed this in her usual fashion; fast and aggressive.

“What?” Sam was trying his best to look confused, but Becca knew her best friend too well. He was avoiding her eye, those, sparkling, cobalt eyes always gave everything away. He didn’t want to lie to her; that was the last thing he wanted to do. Having secrets; Sam wasn’t very good at that. One of the reasons he had come out so early was because he hated the feeling of dread. Dread that any day, someone could find out. Dread that he was keeping part of himself secret from his parents, his friends, even Campbell. The moment he told his parents, told Campbell, told Becca; he felt the most immense feeling of relief. He was finally himself and no one could take that away from him. Being the only gay deaf kid wasn’t the easiest thing; especially in West Ham, but Sam knew he had to try to live his life the way he wanted. But those moments seemed so far away now; it was like he was a completely different person.

Becca wasn’t buying this ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about act’. Constantly, pregnant women or mothers were told they were going crazy, they were imagining things - it’s just the hormones. She’d seen enough of that in her own life and wasn’t going to let Sam get away with it. “Sam, where’s Allie? Or Luke? Why does everyone look like it’s the end of the world?” Becca signed this quickly, maybe a little too quickly. She studied Sam’s face to make sure he understood, and when it became clear that he did, even if he didn’t want to, she waited for his reply.

It took Sam a moment before he could answer. Becca was right, of course she was. Originally, Sam didn’t tell Becca anything because he didn’t want to worry her. She was heavily pregnant and about to pop at any moment. Once Eden was born, Becca almost seemed to fade away. She only cared about Eden, which Sam didn’t mind. Eden distracted him, and he was grateful for that. He allowed his mind to wander for a moment, trying to think of a good enough lie but fortunately for Becca, could think of none. “Arrested. A coup. Shit, Becca. It’s all gone to pot. It was Campbell. It was all his fault. They let him go and-“

Becca’s confused expression quickly turned to anger with a small hint of sadness. “Why didn’t you tell me? I asked and you just-“

“I’m sorry,” Sam said, avoiding Becca’s piercing eyes and not wanting to cut her off, but it was necessary for him to say it. He was sorry. Sorry for everything he’d done in the past few weeks.

“What do the others say? Where’s Gordie?”

“I don’t know.” Sam didn’t know what to say; let alone what to do in this situation. He just felt so lost, like he’d become this complete stranger and he didn’t know how to get back. Get back to the version of himself that was good and real.

“Great, just great. My baby is going to live in a fucking remake of Lord of The Flies, isn’t she?” Becca exasperated; not actually believing this could be happening. It was like something out of a fucked-up dystopian novel they’d been made to read in junior year.  

“Becca calm down. Please.” Sam stepped forward again, placing his hands in an almost praying position; how ironic. He didn’t want to upset her any more than he already had, but making things better seemed so far away, something he couldn’t reach.

Becca closed her eyes and held her breath for a moment, took an elongated inhale and then exhale, and focused back on Sam. “Okay, okay. Fine.” She knew she couldn’t be angry at Sam for too long. Of course, he should have told her; she didn’t care about how it would have upset her right before giving birth, she didn’t want to be treated like a child who wasn’t allowed to know all the town’s secrets. But looking back at Sam’s almost heartbroken face, she knew she couldn’t be angry for too long; it wouldn’t be fair. “Have you seen Grizz?”

“No, why? They’ve only just got back.” The mention of Grizz from Becca’s lips surprised Sam, making his heart beat a little faster. He didn’t want to think about the dark-haired boy, let alone to talk to Becca about him. He longed to see him, even if it was just from afar. In one way; he wished he was there when the group came back. Even just seeing Grizz’s smile would have uplifted Sam; even if it was just for a minute. But on the flip side; Sam knew how difficult it would be for Grizz to see him. And he didn’t want to add to the pain he’d caused.

“Hm. What happened?” Becca snapped Sam out of his Grizz-filled trance, wanting some answers.

“Huh?”

“Between you and Grizz. Both disappeared at Thanksgiving, didn’t you?” Becca rolled her eyes, giving Sam one of her signature ‘you know’ looks. “I’m your best friend. I know when you’re angry, sad, smitten.” She signed the last word with special emphasis and nodded her head to Sam as if to say she understood.

“Becca,” Sam warned, not wanting her to say anymore.

“You haven’t been yourself since the group left; you were so excited about Eden and then… When Grizz came to the hospital, who did he really come to see? Who did he follow?” Sam knew Becca wasn’t stupid. Sure, when she was pregnant and when Eden was born Becca had been so occupied with her that of course she didn’t notice anything. Sam liked to think he was pretty good at hiding his emotions; but Becca knew it him too well and now, it seemed that nothing would get past her. “I saw his face, Sam.”

“Becca…” Sam couldn’t bring himself to truly explain to Becca exactly what had happened. The words wouldn’t form in his mind, let alone his mouth or hands.

Becca moved towards Sam this time, wanting to make it clear that she wasn’t angry, not really. All she wanted was for Sam to be truthful. They both should have been truthful with each other from the start. “I’m not going to say anything. I won’t. It wouldn’t be fair.” She knew too well what it was like to have a secret taken away and given out to everyone in the world. She wasn’t going to do that. To Sam or to Grizz.

“I really care about him. A lot.” This was true. But being apart from Grizz that week had made Sam realise it was far more than that. Yes, he cared about him, immensely. He liked the way words fell out of his mouth. How much he enjoyed reading and reciting fantastical quotes from various literature. How kind and vulnerable he was with Sam.

“Do you want to tell him?”

“That I like him? I told him, before-“

“No. Come on, Sam. About Eden. Did we ruin it?”

“You could never ruin anything.” Sam shook his head, whilst carefully signing. Becca meant so much to him, and now so did Eden. She’d been there alongside him, through everything. They’d already battled through enough together. Becca was his rock, and he was hers.

“Sam! Seriously. Look, I messed up. This was my fault. But looking at her, holding her for the first time… I’ve never felt anything like it. But it’s not fair for me to hold you to that.”

“I’m not going to abandon you.”

“No way! I’d never let you. But… I can’t stand in the way between you and your happiness.” Becca could see how difficult this was for Sam, and she didn’t want to prolong that. All she wanted was for Sam to be happy. It had been obvious something was wrong since Thanksgiving; he hadn’t been himself like there was something missing and Becca didn’t want that. “Hey, that can be my gift to you. You’ll be there for me and Eden, right?”

“Of course.”

Becca shrugged her shoulders as if this was the most natural thing in the world. “Well, there you are. Sam, tell him.”

“That’s not fair. I can’t.”

“Sam.” Becca insisted; as if she was putting her foot down on the whole situation.

“Are you sure?”

Becca nods, “And anyway, if someone has to know, it should be Grizz, right?” She paused for a moment and focused right back on Sam, making sure she had his attention. “He’s adorable, Sam.”

“We don’t have to tell anyone else.” Sam hated the position he was putting Becca, he felt as if he was forcing her to give in to him. But he couldn’t think of any way he could make things better, at least try to move this whole mess forward.

“Hm, we’ll see. Let me know what he says. Okay?” The arrival of baby Eden had made Becca realise a few things. One being that even with half the town knowing that she had given birth; no one seemed to judge her, or at least not to her face. Everyone had been so kind and warm, especially Kelly. Becca, who at the beginning felt so alone and lost, realised she had the biggest family who were always going to be there and Eden. It wasn’t just Sam. It was everyone. Maybe she wasn’t quite ready to tell everyone the truth about Eden’s father, but she was becoming more accepting of it. But even if she did tell the truth; there was no way she was just giving Sam up. They’d made an agreement and Sam loved Eden the most. She would never take that away from him. Ever.

“Okay.” Sam nodded, unsure if Becca knew how important what she was doing was. He wasn’t sure whether she was completely happy with it, but she had agreed to it and Sam was eternally grateful for his best friend. And he was sure Becca knew that even if he didn’t say it enough. “And Becca?”

“Hm?” Becca had turned away for a moment, focusing back on Eden, stroking her warm cheeks, wondering if anything else could be this soft.

“I love you, both of you.” Sam moved towards Becca, to which she turned around, and raised his hands, to gently touch Becca’s arms. He was so thankful for her; he didn’t know how to tell her that. Anything he said or did would never make up for what she was doing. He reached out to join Becca’s hands on Eden’s cheek, not wanting to stir her. Becca looked up at Sam and placed a small kiss on his cheek, to which Sam started to blush.

“Sam, go!” Becca raised her voice, almost pushing Sam out of the door. Sam glanced back to the shorter girl, to see her giving him a small smile but not a sad one. This smile was filled with hope, which is all Sam needed. Just a little bit of hope.

[chalabrun]

chilling out (trephacard)

@kittiofdoom requested:

Okay but ' it's cold out so sharing a blanket, alucard get over here and stop brooding '

Warning(s): T, some insinuating content

One would think, after living their whole life in Wallachia, that you would become accustomed to her harsh winters that could freeze the balls off an ox. It was late when Sypha and Trevor had returned from their recent escapade in monster hunting, this time in Hermanstadt in Transylvania that had desperately needed the assistance. For their efforts, they had been rewarded a few thousand Ducats for the widespread relief and the growing reputation of a new Belmont name that was growing on him.

Snowfall was light and contrasted with a darkening sky with squalls of pale white that grew a cool, jewel cobalt as it lay upon the ground. Their steeds tromped through the snow, lifting their forelegs high and puffing motes of steam in their languid efforts. After all, what need was there to rush? The twilight gloam was beautiful and set softly against the jagged peaks of Castle Dracula, for once a familiar sight instead of one mired in so much loss and evil.

From afar, the ruins of the Belmont Estate had been largely cleared of underbrush and invasive forests, a patchwork of wooden struts and platforms ascending newly constructed and restored spires alike, a skeletal structure beginning to take shape. Though the Wallachians were wary working in the shadow of Dracula’s domicile, the vampire had since been rendered dead and now only his kind son remained. 

“Once we get inside, I have every intention of making a fortress of books and neither of you will stop me. I’ll read until my eyes dribble from my head and my fingers freeze that way!” Sypha joked cheerfully as she kept in stride with Trevor’s black charger, her pale white mare almost matching the snow.

“You mean after all that, you really plan on just spending it reading?” Trevor intoned drolly, but the note of teasing was obvious in his voice. He sounded exasperated, but there was clear affection for the blonde present.

“And what do you plan on doing? Spending every Ducat on drinks?” Sypha challenged, smirking triumphantly. Given that Alucard had been granted full supervision and control of the treasury, that likely wasn’t going to happen.

“Not even for one beer? God, Sypha, you’re a fucking buzzkill.”

“If you have complaints, you’re more than welcome to bring them to Alucard’s attention. He’ll be much less sympathetic than I am, that’s for certain.”

“That’s for fucking sure,” Trevor groused under his breath, but the coin pouch tethered on the saddle horn clinked almost in cheeky reply, and he had to admit, a warm swell on pride at the sight of it defeated any disappointment at forced sobriety, real or imagined. Sypha did care, after all. “Anyway, let’s get inside. Any longer in this damn cold and I’ll turn into a bloody popsicle.”

The pair of them proceeded to untack their horses in the newly rebuilt stables and stow their saddles and brides and reins in the tack room, ensuring the horses were locked in and secure for the night from any ravenous wolves. Though it was unspoken, the last bit of their itinerary was clear: descend below to the Belmont Archives where they’d made a temporary home out of, concentrating their cleaning efforts there—especially after those battles from months ago.

Unsurprisingly, it was warmer below than it was above, the damage having largely been cleaned up. It became easier the days passed, and the trio of them worked well together. Alucard, especially, seemed to prefer rebuilding things instead of participating in the destruction of his father. The deep, abyssal sadness Sypha had noted months ago seemed to have lightened.

“Home sweet home!” Sypha crowed as they made it the subterranean levels, thirstily taking in the sight of all the books. “Hello, my darlings, did you miss me?” Trevor couldn’t help but laugh at her comedic attempts of personifying the books, but it was amusing. She retorted by sticking out her tongue. “Hm, I’m exhausted. Why don’t we start a fire and read a bit? I found some books on advanced hunting techniques I thought you’d like to see, Trevor.”

“To think, you greet your books with more aplomb than an old friend?”

Trevor turned in unison with Sypha to see Alucard rise from a set of study carrels that didn’t require an expert eye to see was overloaded with books. Though the dhampir appeared tired, it was a content sort from long study and a satisfying day doing it. Sypha knew the feeling quite well. “Alucard!” Sypha greeted enthusiastically as she threw her arms around Alucard’s neck and kissed his cheek, summoning a vibrant blush to his cheeks.

Of course, Trevor wanted nothing more to exacerbate it.

While Alucard was still in a state of happy shock over Sypha’s enthusiasm, an arm of Trevor’s joined in around the dhampir’s waist and planted a slow kiss to the other cheek, only deepening the blush. “Hello, Adrian,” he greeted suavely with a smirk, unaffected while Alucard looked mildly scandalized.

“Belmont—” he began to protest but was stopped short by Sypha dragging him towards an enormous couch situated before a hearth large enough to comfortably house an entire Yule log.

“Not another word from you, Adrian! You look exhausted, and we’re tired ourselves. We’re resting, no buts!” Sypha commanded cheerfully as they plopped in unison upon the couch, Trevor arranging a small configuration of logs that the blonde didn’t hesitate to ignite into a comfortable blaze.

“I take it your hunt fared well?” Alucard ventured after they were situated upon it, Trevor the last to join at Alucard’s side as he brought a large blanket over the three of them, Sypha like a ballast as she and Trevor wrapped it around them all.

“I’d say so. We made quite a good deal of money. Maybe it can go into repairing the south wing of the estate,” Sypha reasoned aloud as she wrapped an arm over Alucard’s middle and nestled into the junction of his neck and shoulder, feeling Alucard warm into the embrace, tepidly circling his own around her petite form.

“We’re making rather good progress. I agree, that wing could stand to face more improvement,” Alucard agreed, sighing in relaxation but tensing up reflexively when Trevor more or less emulated Sypha, the brunet grinning cheekily at him that caused the blond to huff and avert his eyes. “Belmont, if you say a thing about this—”

“What? Is the Lord of Castle Dracula so scandalized by the idea of cozying up to a vampire hunter? Afraid I’ll bite?” Trevor flirted rather blatantly, grazing his teeth on Alucard’s throat that caused the dhampir’s breath to hitch.

“You presume too much about me, Belmont,” Alucard huffed in a strained note, craning to Sypha as if she’d be the voice of reason here.

“Humans can bite quite a good deal, isn’t that right, Trevor?” Sypha chimed in, digits tracing along the line of exposed skin along Alucard’s exposed sternum and collarbone, the dhampir’s nails raking along their backs as he forced himself to relax despite their teasing.

“…You two will be the death of me, I’m sure of it.”

But that wasn’t really a complaint, was it?

[a-splash-of-stucky]

A Messed Up Place | Seven

Pairings: Bucky x Reader || Steve x Reader

Summary: You’ve had a little too much to drink. Shit happens.

Warnings: SMUT, 18+ only y’all. Unprotected sex (not a good idea), drunken shenanigans, dubious consent (explained further at the end of the chapter). I am being 200% serious, here: if you’re squeamish about anything even vaguely non-consensual, do not read this chapter.

Notes: For @hellomissmabel’s challenge. Ummmm…..sorry? Y’all gonna hate the reader even more after this one. I just…I can’t. There’s no justification for it.

AMUP Masterlist

The mission has been a success. You and Bucky have been in Kuala Lumpur for two weeks and in that time, you’ve managed to accomplish a lot of things. First and foremost, you’ve managed to decontaminate the drug load before it got distributed, using a fancy cocktail of chemicals that Stark cooked up. That had been a team effort, with Bucky doing some pretty intense seducing and sweet-talking, whilst you’d snuck into an abandoned warehouse to deal with the problem. In addition, the two of you managed to crack open a hole in Nova’s trafficking links, wheedling out some information from a low-level gang member — using no small amount of physical coercion — in order to determine the perfect location to plant a double-agent. All you need to do is get back to the compound and pass on the relevant information.

Tonight, therefore, is a night of celebration. It’s your final night out here in the wonderful, albeit swelteringly hot and unbearably humid city of KL. You’re clearly making the most out of your last night here, but Bucky’s rather more downcast, isn’t really in a celebratory mood. He doesn’t have it in himself to be happy anymore. Sure, the mission went better than he could have ever hoped, but he’s just feeling quite detached from it all. Seeing you looking happy and joyous on the dance floor is almost enough to tease some joy out of the broken remains of his heart, but really, he’s just exhausted. He’s tired of having to hold himself together all the time.

You’ve let loose tonight, more so than Bucky has ever seen you. You’re currently having the time of your life on the dance floor of this packed club, having thrown back several shots of vodka to cast away your inhibitions. Even in the dim lighting, Bucky can still catch sight of your form as you twist and grind your body amongst the throng of people surrounding you. You’ve give yourself over to the music, your body moving in rhythm with the song’s loud and erotic beat. Bucky can’t tear his eyes off you, no matter how hard he tries. Though he tells himself he’s only keeping an eye on you to make sure you don’t get into any trouble — though who is he kidding? You’re more than capable of handling any trouble that comes your way, drunk as you may be — in reality, he knows he can’t stop watching because he wants nothing more than to be dancing beside you.

You look stunning.

To be fair, you could be wearing a trash bag in lieu of clothing and you’d still manage to steal Bucky’s breath, but something about your dress tonight is just…especially exquisite.

It’s a spectacular cobalt blue number; long-sleeved, stopping at your mid-thigh, with a plunging neckline that reveals a fair amount of your chest. It hugs your body in all the right ways, accentuating the femininity of your form. The bodice is adorned with sequins that sparkle alluringly whenever the strobing lights of the club land on you. And if that wasn’t enough? Your hair is mussed from you running your fingers through it multiple times. Your makeup is glamorous; all smoky eyes and cherry-red lips without looking too overdone. A thin veil of sweat coats your skin, giving you an ethereal glow.

It’s a little after one in the morning now, and Bucky decides that it’s about time for the two of you to be heading back to the hotel. Your flight home tomorrow isn’t particularly early, but Bucky doesn’t think he can stand another second of watching you dancing when you’re dancing like that — it’s driving him to the edge of insanity. Bucky throws back the last of his whiskey, sets his glass on the bar, then pushes past the crowd of people to get to you. Catching hold of your upper arm, he presses his lips close to your ear so that you can hear him over the relentless thrum of the bass.

“C’mon, let’s go home!” Bucky shouts.

You turn to him and narrow your eyes. “No!” you shout back, “I wanna stay, come dance with me!”. You grab hold of his wrist, trying to tug him deeper into the mass of swaying bodies.

“C’mon, Y/N, you’re drunk!” Bucky says, more insistently this time.

Bucky is in agony, having to be this close to you. Though his nose is assaulted by the bitter smokiness in the club, the sour tang of alcohol and the general mustiness of sweat, Bucky can still catch the faintest whiff of your perfume and goodness if that doesn’t bring back a whole host of memories.

“Am not!” you slur. Someone bumps into your shoulder, causing you to teeter unsteadily in your heels. Bucky’s hand darts out and catches your waist, steadying you.

“Okay, well, I’m tired, so let’s get going,” Bucky reasons, tightening his grip on your arm and practically dragging you out of the crowd. You stumble, then get a grip on Bucky’s shoulder and lean heavily against him as he walks you out of the club.

He glances over his shoulder to catch you pouting. “Fine,” you huff, “You’re no fun,”. Bucky shakes his head as he chuckles, bemused by how cute you look when you’re drunk and upset.

The cab ride home is its own twisted kind of torture. You’re sprawled against Bucky, your head pillowed on his shoulder and your legs stretched out as much as they can be on the backseat. The skirt of your dress has ridden up your legs to highly indecent levels, and it is taking every ounce of Bucky’s willpower to not stare at that expanse of exposed skin. Staring is impolite, so Bucky forces himself to avert his gaze — but fucking hell, you make that a difficult task.

More importantly, though, with you this close, he can’t help but catch a strong whiff of your scent every time he inhales. Now that you’ve escaped from the overpowering stench of sweat and alcohol, there is no masking the sweet fragrance of your shampoo, or the crisp, fresh scent of your skin. It’s a smell that’s wholly you and it makes Bucky shift uncomfortably in his seat. He angles his hips slightly away from you, vehemently praying to anyone in the heavens above that might be listening, so that you don’t notice the situation starting to develop in his pants.

You’re pretty much silent as Bucky brings the two of you up to your room. His arm is wrapped protectively around your waist to steady you as you walk in your heels — and yes, he’s probably holding you a little closer than is strictly appropriate, given the fact that you’re engaged to his best friend, but it’s a small luxury he hasn’t had in a while, so he doesn’t beat himself up too much about it. You make no move to shove him away, which Bucky is secretly appreciative of.

When you get to your room, Bucky whips the key card from out of his back pocket, swipes it across the card reader and ushers you inside, herding you over to the bed. You perch on the edge of it, a picture of docility; legs crossed at the ankles and hands folded in your lap.

Since it would have been rather awkward to share the only bed in the suite — given your history together and the fact that you are now engaged to Steve — you and Bucky have been taking it in turns to sleep on the bed. Technically, you’re supposed to be sleeping on the living room sofa tonight, as it’s Bucky’s turn to have the bed, but he figures that he’ll be a gentleman and let you have the better bunking spot. You’ll probably thank him for it in the morning.

Satisfied that you’re going to stay put on the bed, Bucky dashes to the bedside table to grab a bottle of water. He cracks open the seal and brings the bottle to your lips, murmuring soft encouragements to you so that you take a few hearty sips. When you tap his wrist to tell him that you’re good, Bucky pulls the bottle away and watches as a couple of stray drops of water escape from the corner of your lips. They trickle down your chin, meander over the column of your neck, past your décolletage and finally, disappear between the valley of your breasts. Bucky finds himself unable to do anything but track the movement of those droplets as they travel over your skin. He wets his lips subconsciously.

When he finally drags his gaze upwards to meet yours, he swallows nervously; you’ve been watching him the entire time. When your eyes make contact, you arch an eyebrow seductively as you slowly lean back, resting your weight on your palms as you cross your legs at the knee, forcing the skirt of your dress to ride up a little bit more. The position forces your chest outwards. You flash Bucky a coy smile as you gaze up at him through your lashes.

What the hell? is the only thought that Bucky’s rational brain is capable of thinking, at this moment. The rest of his mind is fixated on the fact that you look goddamn delicious.

Bucky swallows nervously. “Uhh…well..um..you’re okay, right, Y/N? I’m just…um…gonna go bunk on the sofa,” he mumbles, tightening his grip on the bottle of water in his hand as he turns to leave.

You lunge out — reflexes surprisingly fast for someone who’s that drunk — and catch the sleeve of his dress shirt between your fingers.

“Stay, Bucky,” you breathe, your fingers encircling his wrist. He swallows again, becoming acutely aware of the manic thumping of his heart against his rib cage. Bucky shakes his head as he twists his hand out of your grip.

“No, Y/N,” he says resolutely, “You’re engaged to Steve, remember? It’s not…s’not right for me to stay…with you,”.

His heart does a sickening lurch when you stand up and take a couple of steps towards him, tottering unsteadily on your feet. Bucky takes a few steps back in retreat until there’s nowhere else for him to go; you’ve backed him into the wall. He drops the plastic bottle in his shock. You’re inches away from him now, so close that he can smell the faint tang of alcohol on your breath and see the hunger in your lust-darkened eyes.

“Stay, Bucky,” you repeat, your voice breathier this time — more of a purr, than anything else.

Bucky shakes his head again, swallowing agitatedly. The ultimate battle between head and heart is raging inside him; he feels like these conflicting desires could very well tear him apart. He reaches out to put both hands on your shoulders, intending to push you away, but in a lightning-fast motion, you catch the wrist of his metal arm.

His breathing hitches.

You turn your face to press your lips against the heel of his palm. Bucky hasn’t got any sensation there — all he detects is feather-light pressure — but the gesture stuns and confuses him all the same. Before his brain can even process what’s going on, you catch his other hand and run your lips over the pulse point in his wrist. His breathing stutters because this time he can feel you; the tenderness of your lips, the warmth of your breath.

Your touch is like a drug, making his brain work more sluggishly. Bucky is still trying to make sense of the situation, but you’re forging ahead like a woman on a mission, leaning up on your tip-toes and pressing a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth.

Fuck. That draws him back to reality.

“I said no, Y/N!” Bucky cries, forcibly shoving you away from him. You stumble back and, unable to find your balance on unsteady feet, land on the bed with a soft oomph. Bucky is unnerved; pulse racing erratically, breath coming in quick pants and flesh hand visibly trembling with — fear? Rage? Desire? He’s unsure, but either way, he needs to get out before he does something that he’ll sorely regret in the morning.

The two of you had a rule, back when you were still friends-with-benefits. Actually, you had a few rules, but one of them was to never have sex whilst drunk or under the influence of drugs. It’d be too risky and unsafe. And — even though that agreement has long since been null, Bucky is reluctant to cross the boundary. He doesn’t want to hurt you, or Steve, or—

“Y/N what the fuck are you doing?” Bucky hisses. Lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t register the fact that you’ve slunk off the bed and crept across the floor to kneel in front of him. Fuck if that isn’t an image that his body likes very much. You tip your head back to look at him, your bottom lip caught between your teeth as you flutter your lashes seductively. Your hands are lightly resting on his outer thighs, thumbs rubbing gentle circles against his leg. They’re two searing hot points of contact that Bucky can’t ignore. You’ve got him pinned into place by the sheer power of your gaze. Bucky’s lost himself in the depth of your eyes and before he catches onto what’s happening, you’ve got your palm pressing against the hard outline of his cock, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Jesus,” he swears, the air in his lungs escaping in a rapid exhale. You start to stroke him through his all-too-tight pants, the friction a mind-numbingly pleasurable sensation on his cock. Each time Bucky cracks open his eyes to glance down at your hand, he stares helplessly at the diamond ring on your finger. It taunts him as it sparkles and glints in the moonlight streaming in through the window. This is wrong, so wrong, on so many levels.

“You want me, Bucky,” you murmur, almost absentmindedly, “And I want you,”.

“Y/N,” Bucky croaks weakly, “Please…don’t…don’t do this, what about Steve?”.

The protest sounds pitiful, even to his ears. He’s having to exercise an extortionate amount of restraint to prevent himself from jerking his hips into your hand. God, it’s everything he’s been craving this past month — Bucky’s missed this, so damn much, and it’s taking every last scrap of concentration in him to stop himself from grinding into your palm. Bucky’s treading on precariously thin ice here, he realises that, but all the blood in his body is rushing south, making it increasingly difficult to think. With each passing second, more and more of his shaky resistance is crumbling away, succumbing to your alluring pull. You are an enchanting siren and Bucky? He’s nothing more than the sailor who fell prey to your lull of your song.

You rise to your feet, steading yourself by resting your hands on Bucky’s waist. Your face is a hair’s breadth away from his; the two of you are breathing in the same air, now. “Steve doesn’t need to know,” you whisper, giggling afterwards like you’re a naughty toddler who’s just done something behind their parents’ back. “It can be our little secret,” you add.

“Y/N, don’t—,”

But whatever Bucky was about to say is cut off by you mashing your lips to his. Bucky’s brain short circuits. He thinks he might actually pass out. For all the times the two of you have had sex together, he’s never once gotten the opportunity to savour the taste of your lips, so this is everything he’s ever wanted—

—but this is so wrong, so wrong, not how it was supposed to happen at all.

Even so — and Bucky feels truly guilty for even thinking this — he love it. Oh, it’s a hundred, a thousand, a million times better than he ever dreamed it would be. Bucky can’t suppress the little whimper that bubbles out of his chest, can’t stop himself from resting his big hands on your waist, splaying his fingers wide to hold your body nearer to his. You shift a little closer, moaning happily into the kiss as Bucky sinks his teeth into your bottom lip. Your lips part easily, allowing Bucky to teasingly lick at the inside of your mouth. He can taste the remnants of vodka on you, but behind that, there’s a flavour that’s uniquely you; heady and complex and too damn amazing for words to describe. You nip playfully at his bottom lip as your hands start to wander over his body.

Bucky tentatively tangles his fingers into the hair at the nape of your neck, deepening the kiss further. He wants this, wants this so fucking much—

But Steve, his brain agonises.

‘Conflicted’ is not an adequate enough word to describe the emotions warring inside his mind.

With your fingers hooked into his belt loops, you somehow manage to garner enough coordination to walk the two of you backwards towards the bed. Bucky’s hands are idly roaming over you; running up and down your sides, roving over your back and ass, feeling you up the way he’s been dying to do for weeks now, ever since you left him. Bucky can’t get enough of your taste, so his lips hardly ever leave yours. He’s kissing you like a man starved, like you are the oxygen that sustains his body, like he’ll die if he ever stops kissing you. He never wants to stop kissing you; he’s determined to kiss your lips until they’re pink and swollen.

You fall backwards onto the bed, pulling Bucky’s body on top of you. He catches his weight on his forearms, resting them on either side of your head, caging you in. Behind him, he hears a pair of twin thunks as you kick off your heels. Your legs are spread wide, making your dress ride up to a positively scandalous length. Bucky lies between your thighs, his hard-on pressing against your groin. He grinds into you, sinfully, dirtily slow, relishing the desperate, needy mewl that rips free of your throat.

In a flash, the atmosphere in the room changes. The kiss becomes hungrier, more wanton, the air punctuated every now and then with a choked-off moan or a breathy sigh. Your fingers are working down the line of buttons on Bucky’s shirt, eager to get him out of it. You yank the shirt-tails out of his pants then shove the garment down his shoulders. Bucky shrugs it off, tossing it to some distant corner of the room. Your fingers busy themselves by exploring the expanse of his chest — mapping out the contours and valleys of his muscles, the raised ridges of his scars.

All the while, the incessant battle between right and wrong rages on in his mind. He can stop this — scrap that, he should stop this — right now, but he at the same time, he can’t. Bucky’s being selfish, he knows. This…whatever it is you’re doing together…it’s only going to make things worse. Bucky is only punishing himself, by being with you. He’s going to have so many regrets come morning light, but god, he’s missed this. He’s missed this so much. You are the forbidden fruit he keeps coming back for, the drug he wants running through his veins. He’s drunk on you, addicted to you and the fact that you want him? Well, that’s a miracle in and of itself — he’s powerless to resist your charm.

If Steve were ever to find out about tonight, it’d break his heart for sure. Bucky is convinced that some part of him must truly be evil, because how else could he find it in himself to betray Steve like this? Steve’s his brother in anything but blood, a part of Bucky’s own soul.

And what about you? When you wake up tomorrow morning — god will you hate him? Will you push him away? It’s probably for the best, anyhow.

You pull Bucky out of his thoughts when you grab his hand and manoeuvre it to your back. Bucky is momentarily confused until the tips of his fingers brush against the zipper of your dress and understanding clicks into place. He swallows again, quelling down a fresh wave of nerves.

If he does this, there’s no turning back.

You roll your hips upwards, pressing your thigh against his straining cock and Bucky’s a goner. With a low growl, he pinches the zipper between his fingers and drags it down. Bucky pushes up onto his knees momentarily to help you shimmy out of your dress. It, too, ends up discarded on the floor.

“Fuck, baby,” he breathes, awed by your beauty. His voice is deep and husky, almost unrecognisable, even to his own ears. The lingerie you’ve got on is particularly ravishing; black and lacy, with a whole network of delicate straps that just amplify everything. You look like temptation reincarnated. His dick grows impossibly harder at the sight of you.

You pull him down again, catching Bucky’s lips in another smouldering kiss. His mind goes fuzzy, sex-drunk from your taste. You wiggle a hand underneath you to unclasp your bra and then fuck your bare nipples are rubbing against Bucky’s pecs.They’ve peaked into stiff nubs and Bucky catches one between a thumb and a forefinger, rolling it gently. He eagerly swallows down the moan that punches free of your chest.

“Baby,” you whine, your lips barely breaking the kiss, “C’mon, please baby,”.

Bucky’s breathing catches. You’ve never called him ‘baby’ before, but lord, he wants to hear it again, wants you to call him every pet name under the sun if it means that he can pretend to be yours for the night.

Your hands are at his belt now, fumbling with the buckle. “Off, now,” you growl, your voice low and throaty, your lips brushing against his with every word. Bucky hurriedly complies, divesting himself of his pants, shoes and socks in quick succession. By this point, he’s so aroused that a wet spot is starting to form at the front of his boxers. He’s as hard as a fucking diamond, could probably use his cock to hammer nails.

“Uh, uhhh, fuck, Y/N,” Bucky gasps, as your clever fingers slip under the waistband of his boxers and curl around the base of his cock. You stroke it idly as you press lazy kisses to his neck and collarbone. Your hand is as soft as velvet, your fist tight enough to have his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Bucky bites down on his bottom lip to stifle a moan as your thumb swipes over his sensitive head. He’s achingly hard, desperate to be inside you.

Oh crap.

Bucky hasn’t got any condoms with him.

Sex between you and him wasn’t exactly on his mind when he packed for the trip. Besides, he didn’t think he would need to sleep with anyone for the mission and even if he had to, he could’ve just bought some from a corner shop, or something. Bucky internally curses himself for his lack of foresight — although in fairness, not even in his wildest dreams could he have ever imagined himself in this position. If Bucky does this…he’ll be breaking another one of your rules; no condoms, no sex. Again, although the two of you are no longer ‘together’, he knows he’s going to beat himself up over this tomorrow. It’s another mistake to add to his ever-growing list.

You’re pushing his boxers off his ass, now. Bucky finds himself powerless to stop you and then — fucking hell he’s naked, his bare cock rubbing against your sex, only a thin scrap of lace in the way.

Bucky doesn’t think he can bring himself to take those off you and thank god he doesn’t have to; you hook your thumbs into the waistband of your panties, raise your ass off the bed and slide the skimpy material down your thighs. Bucky drags them the rest of the way down your legs and flings them to the floor.

Fuck. This is it.

You’re naked and spread out for him, all doe-eyes and kiss-bitten lips. Bucky positions himself between your legs and swallows heavily as he takes himself in hand, giving his cock a couple of pumps.

“You sure you want this, Y/N?” he asks softly. Bucky needs to hear it from you. Why? He’s not entirely sure, doesn’t know why he’s bothering, really. You’re drunk off your ass, so your answer’s pretty meaningless, anyway. He can still back out, though, Bucky tells himself. He can leave and pretend that nothing ever happened when morning rolls around. You probably — hopefully — won’t have a single memory about tonight.

“Bucky, c’mon,” you slur, nodding your head in consent as you rake your nails down his torso. “I want you, I need you,”.

Not in the way I want you to need me, he thinks morosely.

Bucky brings a couple of fingers to your entrance and swirls them around, groaning at how dripping wet you are. Fuck — you’re so wet it’s practically leaking out of you, dribbling down to your ass. He can’t bring himself to tease you about it, or talk dirty to you; he can’t make himself growl — low and throaty against the shell of your ear — about what a good girl you are, getting so wet for him. It’s not right. It’s taking things a step too far.

“Bucky, baby, please,” you whine, bucking your hips up into his hand.

Bucky takes a deep breath, steels himself internally, then brings the head of his cock to your glistening folds. You let out a contented hum. Bucky buries himself inside you in one smooth motion, biting down hard on his bottom lip to hold back the string of curses threatening to escape. This is the first time he’s ever gone bare inside you — inside anyone, for that matter — and it’s a billion times better than he thought it could ever be. Never could he have imagined how deliciously good you’d feel around him, silky smooth and snug and hot and so fucking wet.

Once he’s buried all the way inside you, Bucky stills, giving you a moment to adjust to his girth. It also gives him an opportunity to tame the thundering roar of his pulse, reel himself back from the precipice of orgasm. You’re so good, so unbelievably good.

“Baby, p-please,” you mewl, rolling your hips insistently against his.

Bucky firmly believes that you’ll be the death of him.

He starts rocking his hips into you at a slow, leisurely pace, savouring the feel of your pulsating walls around his bare cock. The sensation is unlike anything he’s ever felt before, and Bucky’s brain is going into overdrive trying to catalogue every minute detail about you.

“Bucky, ohhh, baby…yes,” you purr, eyelids drooping shut as you arch your body into his touch. “Oh, you feel s-so good,”.

Bucky leans down to press his lips to yours, licking into your mouth as your hand reaches up to card through his hair. He moans appreciatively when your nails scratch across his scalp. His metal hand travels down your side and grasps your thigh, hitching it up so that you hook it around his waist; this changes the angle of penetration, allowing Bucky to rake the head of his cock across your sweet spot with every movement. You moan wantonly, digging the fingers of your free hand into the meat of his shoulder.

“B-baby,” you pant, throwing your head back in ecstasy as pleasure wracks through your system. “Bucky…oh, ple-please..p-please, d-don’t sto-op,” you stutter.

“You close, Y/N?” Bucky murmurs, brushing his lips over the hinge over of your jaw.

“Y-yes!” you cry, “Yeah—so, so close,”.

“Come for me, then,” he whispers, pressing soft, butterfly kisses down your neck, “Come for me, beautiful,”.

And it is, indeed, quite the spectacle, watching you come undone. Your face contorts into a pretty grimace, your eyes screwing shut as your entire body trembles with the intensity of your climax. Bucky grits his teeth and fucks you through it. He holds his hips flush to your core and rolls his body against yours, his pubic bone grinding into your clit with each sinuous movement. You’re loud, so loud, babbling a string of incoherent words as you ride out the waves of pleasure.

I want you to love me, Bucky thinks, as he watches you come apart beneath him. I want you to love me more than this. More than just this; more than just my body and what it can give you.

The sensation of your pussy walls fluttering around his cock very nearly tips him over the edge. It’s almost impossible, but Bucky manages to hold onto his self control through the thinnest of threads. Your body is boneless and weak as you come off your high, but from the way your mouthing at the hollow of his throat and rolling your hips against him, it’s clear that you’re far from finished.

Bucky’s so goddamn close that he can’t help it now — he’s barely pulling out of the heat of your pussy with each thrust. His hair is a matted mess and rivulets of sweat are trickling down his back. Bucky’s groin is covered with the evidence of your arousal; you’re so wet that lewd squelching noises accompany every pump of his hips. Low, feral grunts rumble free of his chest each time he gets in a particularly good stroke. The earthy smell of sex fills his nostrils. He’s now slamming into you with such force that your breath is being punched out of your lungs every time he buries himself to the base of his cock.

“Uh, uhhhh, uh—Bucky,” you whimper, “Baby, oh m’gonna c-come again,”.

“Yeah?” he growls, bending down to nip at your bottom lip. Bucky’s hands are fisted in the sheets on either side of your head, clenching them so tightly that the knuckles of his flesh have have turned white. Your hands are cupping his jaw, pulling him closer so that you can get at his lips. The kiss is sloppy and wet, more of an uncoordinated clashing of teeth than anything else, but it’s fucking good in its own right. His calculated, well-angled thrusts have given way to something more primal, as his body succumbs to its carnal urges. You hook both legs around his waist, crossing your ankles at the small of his back. Your arms lock behind his neck, keeping Bucky’s face close to yours.

Bucky’s lips never leave your skin. He alternates between kissing your mouth, trailing his lips across your jaw and nibbling gently at the crook of your neck. As he draws closer and closer to the edge of release, Bucky presses his face into your skin, breathing in your addictive scent. The steady slap, slap, slap of his balls colliding with your ass gives way to a more frantic rhythm. Bucky can feel the coil of pleasure tightening in his gut, signalling his impending release.

“Touch me, baby, touch me,” you beg, blindly grabbing for his hand. With a low groan, Bucky brings his fingers to the apex of your thighs, wiggling them around until you inhale sharply, the tips of his fingers having just brushed against your swollen and sensitive clit.

“Come for me, Y/N,” Bucky grunts, as he swirls his fingers through the mess between your thighs, “C’mon, baby, please,”.

“Bu-cky!”

Hearing his name tumble from your lips in a breathless, choked-out cry is what becomes Bucky’s ultimate undoing. His balls draw up tight and his back tenses up as pleasure rushes through his body, radiating outwards from the base of his cock. At the last second, Bucky remembers that he’s not got a condom on — and Christ, if that realisation doesn’t almost give him a heart-attack — so he wrenches himself free of your pussy, twisting to disentangle himself from your legs.

Bucky’s hand immediately closes over his shaft, fist stroking over it at an inhuman speed. He grunts, low and feral from the back of his throat, as ribbons of spunk land on your lower belly, painting it a startling shade of white. Your own body twitches as your second orgasm of the night courses through your system.

He’s breathing heavily once it’s all over, putting up no fight when your fingers close around his wrist and tug him down towards you. Bucky presses his lips to your in a languid, luxurious kiss. You’re pliant and sated underneath him, lips parting easily under the inquisitive probing of his tongue.

When Bucky pulls away, he sees that your eyelids are beginning to droop shut. He gently smooths back the strands of hair clinging to your temples. “Go to sleep, baby,” Bucky murmurs.

You hum in agreement, twisting onto your side and tucking yourself against his body. You reach a hand back, grab his arm and drape it over your waist. Bucky stiffens, unwilling to let himself relax against you. It’s another one of your rules — although the two of you used to have sex together all the time, you’d never actually slept together. You’ve never spent the night in each other’s arms.

He’s broken enough rules tonight, though.

“Y/N, I need to go clean up,” Bucky protests softly, even as you’re entangling your legs with his.

“Mmm, no, stay,” you mumble.

“Y/N—,”

“Please? Just until I sleep?”

Well. He’s come this far, why not allow himself this little luxury? Bucky’s so exhausted, he’s got no fight left in his system to argue with you.

“Okay, baby,” Bucky concedes, settling down against you.

A pleased hum rumbles out of chest as you snuggle against him. “Love you, Bucky,” you murmur, as you drift off to sleep.

It’s so faint that Bucky almost doesn’t catch it — he probably wouldn’t have caught it, had it not been for his enhanced hearing. Though uttered as an afterthought, those three words make the heartache in his chest a million times worse.

Not the way I want you to love me, he thinks.

Bucky’s gaze drifts over your profile, taking in the slope of your nose, the graceful curve of your jawline, the shape of your lips. No words can ever hope to come close to describing your beauty. His heart is crying out for you, yearning to keep you close and make you his.

“Sweetheart, I love you,” Bucky breathes, stroking his fingers down your arm, watching as goosebumps erupt on your skin in their wake. “You might never love me back, and that’s—that’s okay, but I want you to know that I love you. I—I love you the most,”. He wants you to have heard him, yet hopes that you haven’t.

His breathing sounds all too loud and unsteady in the quiet of the room, a sharp contrast to your deep and steady rise and fall of your chest. Bucky is just about to curl up against you and try to catch some sleep when he catches something shimmering out of the corner of his eye.

Your ring.

It’s the glaringly obvious representation of not only your infidelity, but also Bucky’s complicity in that act. That diamond symbolises betrayal and heartbreak, secrecy and deceit.

What, in all of hell, has Bucky just done?

————————————— Tags are open, but I’m only accepting requests from asks or PMs. Tag requests from comments/replies will be ignored.

Dubious consent warning explained: Bucky has sex with Y/N whilst she’s drunk. There is dubious consent from both parties in this instance; Y/N because she is inebriated and therefore can’t make a coherent decision, and Bucky because he’s not 100% certain that he wants to do this, even saying ‘no’ multiple times. At no point is there verbal consent from Bucky, actually. So, can this be viewed as rape? It’s a grey area. I’ll let you come to your own conclusion.

I feel it is very important to state this explicitly - I am not in any way condoning this sort of behaviour, please don’t take it that way. This is purely a work of fiction. In the real world, ‘no’ seriously does mean ‘no’, everybody. If a situation like this has ever happened to you, and you want to talk to someone about it? My PMs are always open.

[rjhg53ji-blog]

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