#especially everything thrown at Carrie Ann

[ednacrabapple]

Every comment I see about dancing with the stars feels wildly sexist and I’m so fucking sick of it

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really That Bad?

I don’t think anyone would call 2006’s Silent Hill the greatest horror film ever, but it’s hard to deny that it is one of the better early attempts at a video game adaptation. The film has some really baffling changes to the plot, sure, but it’s honestly pretty faithful in regards to the visuals and the atmosphere. Sure, some of the symbolism is thrown in to look cool—what the fuck is Pyramid Head doing here, for one—but it’s readily apparent that this film was made by someone who gets the games, who understands the appeal. The result is a film that, again, isn’t beloved like some video game adaptations but most definitely commands a lot of respect and has a respectable fanbase in and of itself.

The same cannot be said for the 2012 sequel, Silent Hill: Revelation.

This movie killed the career of director MJ Bassett, relegating her to television work since then with her only upcoming project the eternally-stuck-in-development-hell reboot of Red Sonja. It also killed any momentum the franchise had, with it taking 11 years for another film to begin development, and who knows if Return to Silent Hill will even come out (I’d love for it to, especially if it really is adapting the second game).

On top of all that, fans weren’t exactly receptive to it. In fact, they were so unperceptive that this film barely registers in discussions of bad movies at all; if I wasn’t a big Silent Hill fan I probably wouldn’t remember it even exists. But maybe people were too harsh on this film; maybe it’s yet another hidden gem among video game movies. Something you may not know about me is I am a huge video game movie apologist; aside from enjoying the obvious stuff like the recent Sonic and Mario movies, I also enjoy the 90s Mario movie, Street Fighter, both takes on Mortal Kombat… Sure, I’ve seen some garbage like Max Payne and Doom, but the reputation of video game movies as unwatchable garbage is greatly exaggerated in my opinion.

So with all that said, I promised to take you to that town I see in my restless dreams and figure out if Revelation is really that bad, or if the hole of negative reception for this movie is gone now.

THE GOOD

Well, the practical effects are all still pretty good, with some really creative monsters. And there are a few scenes here and there with cool and creative imagery. 

What else... oh! Adelaide Clemens is actually genuinely good as Heather. I mean, the writing for her is as bad as the writing for everyone else, but by god is Clemens really giving it her all. She manages to outshine veteran actors like Malcolm McDowell, Sean Bean, and Carrie-Anne Moss. So props to her!

The soundtrack is pretty decent… No complaints there. Fuck guys, I’m really trying... Hm... Oh yeah! Pyramid Head is here for some fucking reason! It makes no goddamn sense, but I’m ultimately a simple man. I see Pyramid Head, I am happy.

Yeah okay I’m done trying to be nice.

THE BAD

This film is just ass from start to finish.

Here’s something a lot of people don’t understand when it comes to adaptations: Sometimes it’s best not to be completely accurate to what you’re adapting. The first film has the respect it does because it’s a loose adaptation that tells a familiar story with unique elements to it while keeping the core elements that make the series so beloved—the emotional moments, the horror, the atmosphere, the visuals. This film, on the other hand, swings into being way too faithful and trying to shoehorn the plot of Silent Hill 3 into the continuity of the films, which does nothing but rip a dozen plot holes open and comes off as desperate course correction that wasn’t needed at all. I’ll give it this—the movie is putting in a lot of effort to keeping this movement towards accuracy to the games from feeling too contrived.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to appreciate the efforts the film is going to due to how legitimately bad everything is. The acting is undeniably worse all across the board, even from legendary actors like Malcolm McDowell; the script is amateurish and ludicrous, with stupid twists and unbearably bland or bad dialogue in nearly every scene; and the CGI is just not up to the standard the first film set. In a way, this film is the original The Rise of Skywalker in how it dumped everything from the contentious film before it and tried way too hard to course correct to disastrous results, all while the previous film began to get a second look due to the catastrophic failure of the newer one.

The director said she wanted to deliver a continuation of the first film first, and an adaptation of the third game second, but with all the clunky retcons in a desperate attempt to emulate the game we’re left with a poorly-paced mess of a movie that is cramming way too much into a 90 minute runtime. The film is just a fifty car pileup of bad ideas, and genuinely there’s not much else to say. Revelation is so bereft of anything resembling good ideas that there is so little I could say that was positive and everything bad about it is so broad that it’s just not enjoyable to talk about, since what’s the point of singling out a bad element when all the other elements around it suck ass too?

IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

This is genuinely, truly a bad movie, but honestly? It wasn’t a painful experience.

Like this movie pretty obviously sucks. It’s an abject failure at portraying the story of the game it is ostensibly adapting to the silver screen, it has terrible dialogue, it wastes its actors, and it seems more focused on gory visuals and cheap jumpscares than actually trying to be atmospheric or engaging. I don’t know if you noticed, but there wasn’t a lot for me to talk about here, and that’s because this film is so dull and unoriginal that there’s really not much to say. I hate that I couldn’t really dive deeper into how much it sucks, but it just sucks in the most tepid, uninspired ways, ways that don’t invoke much besides an annoyed eyeroll from me. It is genuinely like if Michael Bay tried to make a horror film.

Ultimately, though, that’s the very thing that “saves” this; it is just so dumb that I can easily see how someone could mine entertainment from this in a “so bad it’s good” way. Sure, I didn’t like this film and was bored watching it, but I didn’t feel vitriolic hate for it or anything. I just thought it was a subpar horror film that can’t live up to the games or the previous movie, which is a tall order to begin with. And really, is being a subpar horror film that much of a crime? I’d say it’s better than being as dogshit as Slender Man, Smiley, The Bye Bye Man, or any of the other genuinely abysmal horror films I’ve had to sit through. Horror is a genre of extremes, where typically you’ll either see one of the best and scariest films of your life or the most tedious waste of time imaginable that will have you calling for the director’s head. To find a horror film that’s just perfectly and stupidly mediocre is genuinely impressive. I’m gonna say that 4.9 score is entirely completely fair; the movie is just below average, and while it’s certainly shitty there’s no denying that it has some value as mindless entertainment.

Again, this is a bad film. I am not in any way recommending watching this, especially when you could watch the first film (or better yet just play the games). But when you consider some of the crap I’ve had to sit through for this show, I’ll take a bad movie that only gets me mildly annoyed over a bad movie that makes me legitimately angry or offended like Land of the Lost. And as piss-poor as this film is, it’s still a better adaptation than Ratchet & Clank was!

[linssikeittomies]

Pivot Points - Chapter 3: Crawling Forwards

Masterpost / AO3

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

CW: depression, mentions of another person's self-harm

That's the last fucking time I set a deadline for myself. I was well on the way to finishing this chapter by end of December 2023, then mental health stuff happened and I couldn't even think of writing for a full month, then I lost inspiration and didn't write a word for another month and a half. I wouldn't say I'm happy with this chapter, especially the second half. But I've been editing, deleting, and rearranging scenes so much I lost track of the chronologial order. So this is the best I can do unless I keep polishing it for maybe ten years. The good thing is I can finally watch season 2! I was careful about avoiding spoilers because I'm absolutely the type that goes "Oh, now my fic isn't canon-compliant anymore..." and never writes another word. So now, if I end up fully abandoning this fic, I'll at least have finished the angst arc.

--

Ed’s feeding the chickens, dropping seeds of this and that on the floor. He’s being slow about it, annoying the chickens, making them complain with loud clucking, and if he weren’t so desperate for alone time, he’d would’ve been done with the task in minutes. He’s not sure how long it’s been, but he knows for a fact he should’ve been already finished his next task. No one will yell at him, but they’ll be disappointed and annoyed. Stede, too, though he’ll also be worried. He’d seen the mood Ed was in first thing in the morning, and hadn’t asked. Just been his wonderful, supporting self and offered a few words of sympathy, but didn’t try to talk about it.

Thing is, Ed does want to speak about it. Maybe. He’s not sure - he’d have to try first to know. It’s complicated - most things concerning Izzy are.

It’s the ring. Seeing it in its new place has thrown him into an unexpected loop. It’s been on Izzy’s cravat every single day for over 20 years now, it’s a sight older and more familiar than even the  Queen Anne’s Revenge. It had taken him a while to put two and two together - but the way Izzy wore it dutifully, ecstatically, every single day, eventually tipped him off. Ed still doesn’t know when Bellamy had the opportunity to sneak in with his last ditch effort to win Izzy back since he’d rather not hear Izzy’s starry-eyed accounts of their final tryst. He had hated the reminder of Izzy’s ex at first, and wanted few things more than to throw it into the sea, but eventually he grew to rather like the sight of the ring on Izzy’s cravat. Reminded everyone that Ed had won out in the end, definitively. Bellamy’s ring was there, as a reminder to everyone that he carried the memory of Bellamy with him - but not on his ring finger. Because he belonged to Ed. And as Ed’s feelings towards Izzy cooled over the years, the ring stopped raising strong emotions. It was just there, a pleasant reminder, but nothing more.

But now that it’s on his finger. Now it suddenly matters again. Matters that Izzy has retroactively chosen Bellamy in Ed’s stead. After first making him think he was letting go of all his past, starting completely fresh. Forgetting both Ed and Bellamy. And Ed was happy about that, liked that Izzy was able to move on. He honestly liked that. It gave him the freedom to be with Stede without guilt or danger.

So why does he want to hide from everyone? Why does he feel like shit again? Last night he’d been cocooning, then Stede came up with his plan on what to do with Izzy and he’d felt like the worst asshole in the world, until they workshopped the details and Ed felt ecstatic again, then worry and guilt snuck back in during the night when everything should've been clear and dealt with. It’s not fair on Stede, he knows, pining after someone he moved on from years ago.

It’s just... He’s so used to Iz being his. His little attack dog, his efficient first mate, his prized possession. All these years Izzy has been so devoted to Ed, and now suddenly having that reversal of loyalty shoved in his face... yeah. So he’s reeling. Because life has a lot of constants. Sun will rise, wars will be fought, Izzy will belong to you.

 “Ed?” the Swede calls from somewhere, Ed’s not sure where - the hold is a bit of a maze, with all its rooms and corridors. He briefly  considers not answering, not ready to stop hiding by a long shot, but he does have other work to do and it doesn’t feel fair to dump them on the others.

 “With the chickens!” Ed answers, throwing out the remaining feed without ceremony and the chickens pounce on the pile like birds of prey. Maybe that’s what they were supposed to be, at first, until God decided otherwise - Ed has seen them peck one of their own flock to death. Dormant predatory instincts coming to life at the sight of blood.

Something like Izzy, though not really, but lately every thought  will find the flimsiest excuses to find its way to Izzy. Probably will for a while. He suddenly longs for the days it used to be for good reasons.

 “Still?” the Swede asks in that innocently judgemental tone of his.

 “Yeah”, Ed mutters, too quiet for anyone but the chickens to hear. They must be as annoyed with him as he himself is. “Be up in a minute.”

 “Buttons is looking for you”, the Swede informs as he finally comes into view. He seems to take note of Ed’s sullen face, and maybe it scares him a little because this is what Ed used to look like before turning into the Kraken.

 “I’m fine”, Ed says, though he doesn’t mean that he’s fine. He’s sure the Swede understands. “I’ll go soon. Just need a minute.”

 “Should we have a talk circle?” the Swede asks carefully, and usually Ed would agree. But something about him is uncomfortable talking about this with anyone but possibly Stede.

 “Not yet. Need to sort things out a bit.”

The Swede looks at him with worry, which is understandable, because again, the Kraken. Then he nods uncertainly and leaves. Ed heaves a deep sigh and tries to gather himself. He doesn’t often have trouble pulling energy from his charismatic side, but it’s been harder since the whole - he’s hesitant to call it abandonment since Stede had come back, and wouldn’t have left it in the first place if that fucking asshole Badminton hadn’t fucked things up for all of them, but it sure as hell felt like abandonment at the time. And sometimes it still does, especially at night when the knee aches and won’t let him sleep.

And now this situation with Izzy. Ed is starting to think maybe he isn’t as good with people as he thought. But even then, his attempt to pull himself together isn’t totally futile, though it does leave a lot to be desired. He manages to form a mostly carefree demeanor, which would fall apart under some scrutiny.

Luckily Buttons gets the answer to his question in under a minute - double checking their heading and consulting the winds - and is then distracted by Olivia so he notices nothing. The rest are - more or less - working on their tasks and are equally oblivious, and pay no mind to Ed emerging from his eons-long task of feeding the chickens and gathering the eggs - shit, he forgot the eggs! He turns to go back under deck - -and sees Izzy walking up to him.

Ed really might die right there and then. Bellamy’s ring is still on Izzy’s finger, bandages around his neck, and Ed is responsible for both. Everything about Izzy’s face and body betrays discomfort that’s only trumped by dutifulness. For once in his life, Ed would’ve preferred Izzy to be less professional and just avoid him. Ed isn’t even a captain anymore! Technically he doesn’t have a rank, but practically he’s a deckhand so there isn’t any reason for Izzy to report to him anymore!

But life has a lot of constants. The sun will rise, wars will be fought, Izzy will worship you. He’ll idolize you until it makes you sick to your stomach, then he’ll say some mean things because he hates it when you’re just human, and then at the end of the day he’ll go back to being  your loyal first mate. Because he needs someone to worship, and if there’s no one worthy around, then he’ll decide  someone’s worthy. And then he won’t betray that person.

Until that person falls in love, then Izzy will sell that lover out to the English in a fit of religious rage, because his god won’t follow his rules of worship, because he’s a person instead of an infallible being, that’s when Izzy will betray you.

Ed had held him accountable for it, of course. He’d punished Izzy for it, turned himself into the worst possible version of whatever Izzy wanted him to be. It had felt cathartic, feeding his hatred and having his vengeance, for a while at least. For a few terrifying, exhausting, miserable weeks it had felt cathartic, and then once the steam had run out of Ed’s engines he’d been left feeling... very little. The love of his life was gone, his crew was too terrified of him to even look his way, even his long-time right hand man, ever loyal, who had never shied away from his touch, who had never had a problem chewing him out for doing something stupid, who had never feared him, even Izzy wouldn’t meet his eye and only meekly obeyed what few orders Ed bothered issuing. Between the rage-filled weeks of the Kraken and the complexly elated  return of Stede, Ed hadn’t really done much aside from waiting for death.

But even then, he hadn’t felt miserable enough to do it by his own hand. He couldn’t even imagine what Izzy was going through to... Fuck, how hadn’t he seen it?! Was he really so self-absorbed he couldn’t tell something was so monumentally wrong with his best friend? After all the times Izzy had noticed  something was wrong, even if his terrible brand of care couldn’t make Ed feel good, he’d at least fucking noticed. And now the one time their roles were reversed, Ed was completely oblivious!

You know who would’ve noticed? Fucking Bellamy. That fucking arrogant, pish-posh, brownnose pissant. The one who would’ve been so much better to Izzy. Who wouldn’t have dressed Izzy in his colors, wouldn’t have grown bored of him, wouldn’t have done a hundred other things, and would have done a hundred other things.

 “Edward.”

 “Yeah, hi. Morning. Or whatever.”

Actually it’s basically noon already, but Izzy doesn’t comment on it. “Get Bonnet off my back. He’s been getting in the way all day. He keeps trying to do my job and he’s fucking shit at it”, he complains and points with his thumb over his shoulder, towards the the forecastle where Stede is talking with Oluwande, but looking nervously toward Izzy. He must still be worried about how he’s faring.

 “Sorry if he’s being annoying.”

 “He’s been worse”, Izzy mutters in response, but it’s not heated. “Just tired of having to redo everything after he fucks it up.”

He doesn’t much sound like Izzy, he should’ve been foaming at the mouth and cursing his heart out about this bloody fucking useless piece of shit ruining his whole fucking life or something. Doesn’t much look like Izzy, either. He’s forgone the black leather in favor of a stained, brownish linen and  cotton. Ed knows it’s because leather isn’t something you can easily stretch in - even if Ed makes it look easy to dominantly and sexily lounge in his full leather get-up, it’s actually a fair feat. Up there, in the rigging... Splatting down all the way down because your pants won’t let you reach your foothold would cripple you, at the very least.

Wearing something loose and light only makes sense, but it still feels like a stab to the heart. His Izzy is supposed to wear black. Wear Ed’s colors.

Ed tries to make his tone light. “Where’d you get the clothes? Haven’t seen you in anything but black in ages.”

Clearly Izzy can tell something’s off with him, because he pauses before answering. “Bonnet’s hand-me-downs”, he claims then, but they look way too simple for Stede’s tastes. Not a ruffle or embroidered detail to be seen.

 “Sure they’re not from Lucius?” They really look more like his style. The wide pant leg would look right at home on the scribe.

 “Bonnet’s hand-me-downs via Spriggs”, Izzy insists for some reason. “Now shut up and let me get to work.”

 “Sure, sure, princess.” He says it purely to piss Izzy off, so he could be comforted by  the familiar version of him again, and immediately feels guilty about wanting him angry instead of pleased.

But wonder of all wonders, the discomfort on Izzy’s face melts to a crooked smirk. The man scoffs lightly, and responds in a vaguely playful tone.

 “Between the two of us, you’re the one with long hair tied with a ribbon, and wearing a pink bathrobe. Princess.”

It’s so out of the blue that Ed lets out a startled giggle. He hasn’t heard Izzy joking in a very, very long time. Least of all at Ed’s expense.

He should be happy about this new direction Izzy has taken. And he is, of course he’s happy Izzy is no longer thinking of killing himself, happy that he seems to have reverted to back to how he used to be all those years ago when they first met, more willing to go with the flow and with the occasional joke, but it just doesn’t feel like Izzy anymore. Because the Izzy who nagged about everything  and needed Edward to be his whole world had been with him for so long.

He tries hard to maintain the teasing tone, draining the rest from that well of charm, and has a feeling he’ll be left filling the well for a long time afterwards.

 “Touché. Want some help with your work?” Please say no please say no please say no. I don’t have the energy.

Izzy cocks an eyebrow at him. “Seriously? You took hours just to feed the chickens.With your help I wouldn’t be done until next year. You do your job and I’ll do mine”, he says with some pride, chest puffing a little at the thought of having a real task that he’s actually allowed to do. Ed had fully expected Izzy to take his new rank as an unacceptable demotion. And while he clearly wan’t happy about it, it’s weird that he isn't bitching about it. Ed's glad, of course, but it's just... weird.

“I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“At least it’ll no longer be my fault when no one else does their job and we sink”, Izzy shrugs, and then gets to his task, Stede’s eyes following him from the forecastle but his conversation with Oluwande seems to be too important to cut short. Izzy is clearly relieved at that.

The Izzy who stayed with Bellamy would probably be something like this. Someone who Ed just barely remembers anymore, someone who doesn’t talk like the Izzy who’s been by his side for 15 years, doesn’t act like the Izzy who he’s lived with for 20 years. That Izzy would be more free with his words, more free with his emotions. More like the Izzy Ed fell in love with three decades ago.

He sincerely hopes Izzy can find peace with his new, old self, even if he has a sneaking, paralyzing suspicion it can’t happen unless Ed is out of the picture.

He looks to Stede again. The feelings he raises in Ed are much simpler, easier, more free, and yet they are not stronger than what he felt towards Izzy back when they were young and vicious together, instead of old and disillusioned. They are very different, the two men. It must be a good thing, right?

This is making his stomach turn. He needs to act before he thinks something stupid. He goes up to Stede, who is slowly succeeding in running away from Oluwande. He’s almost two whole steps further than he was a minute ago. Soon he might actually be free.

Oluwande quiets down as Ed approaches. Maybe the conversation is really done, or maybe it was about something they don’t want Ed to hear. Doesn’t matter right now. He tries to come up with something clever, or smooth, or pretty much anything that isn’t the straight-up truth. But he’s exhausted, he can barely think of any words, let alone subtle distractions that will work out for the best for everyone. And after all, why shouldn’t he say it straight? Not talking plainly is what got them into this mess in the first place.

 “Izzy wants you to stop following him around. It’s annoying him.”

Stede is ashamed. “I could tell - it’s just that I’m still worried. I was trying to help.” He looks to Oluwande, who raises his hand in the universal don’t-drag-me-into-this gesture, but doesn’t walk away, either. Everyone on this ship is so damn nosy, but Ed is too tired to shoo him away.

 “You keep doing things wrong so he ends up having to fix it anyway.”

 “Yes, well - I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a bother. I just keep screwing things up -”

 “You can apologize once he cools off. We all know you didn’t mean anything bad, and you did your best.”

 “My best is still very bad”, Stede sniffles, but flashes a small, thankful smile. Apparently finding the right words runs even deeper in Ed than he thought.

 “You’re still learning. You’ll be a natural in no time.”

 “Well, since he doesn’t want me following him around, should I join you instead?” I’m sure I’d be useful at something.”

 “Think I really need to be alone for awhile. Maybe an hour. I’ll come get you once I’m ready.”

Ed goes to cocoon for a bit, and emerges again once he feels like his legs won’t give out on him. He actually does manage to finish all his work that day, although they all take at least three times longer than they should, and require some support from Stede. They exchange some vague words about Izzy, how he’s doing at his new job and how they feel about his new disposition. It actually does make Ed feel a little better. Maybe tomorrow they could talk a little more.

For about a week, things are quiet. Izzy sticks to his duties and his cabin, Ed and Stede talk a little more about how they feel about thew situation, the crew tries to get used to Izzy not yelling at them at every possible moment. He does still yell a few times, naturally, this is Izzy - but when Ed reminds him of their new rule of waiting five minutes before yelling, he falls in line. One time he even witnesses Izzy quieting himself, and feel prouder than he has in a long time.

The yelling is mostly aimed at Lucius, who is spending even more time with Izzy than he used to. It seems he’s overtaken the role of Izzy’s caregiver, something Stede is a little saddened by. He says that while he understands it’s what Izzy feels more comfortable with, it feels like Lucius has deliberately pushed him aside just when he was getting closer with Izzy. He also feels rejected by Izzy.

But it’s nothing they can’t deal with, and after Izzy allows Stede to change his bandages once more, both are visibly more relaxed around each other. They exchange words every now and then, and Ed catches Izzy looking softer than usual once or twice, and Stede looks at Izzy with quiet smiles - each time, a small stone drops in Ed’s stomach.

After one more week, Izzy starts talking with the crew. It starts as just a few words every now and then, mostly following Lucius’ lead, but soon he starts actually conversing. For their part, the crew is still wary with their words, but don’t discourage Izzy from joining them. Even Roach begrudgingly lets him be. Stede is proud of them both, he talks about them like a doting dad would about his kids - not that Ed knows much about that, but he imagines that’s how it looks. Stede praises Roach for his kindness, and also compliments Izzy for playing nice - almost in those words, and Izzy explodes. Curses him out for patronizing him, and then punches him for good measure, and Ed doesn’t step in. He lurks in the sidelines while Ivan and Lucius play mediator. He is so ashamed of it - he used to daydream of them becoming friends, and now he waits with bated breath for any rift between them. He barely moved a muscle when Izzy hit Stede, for fuck’s sake! He never wanted to be the reason Stede gets hurt, and there he is , feeling guilty about the bruise for all the wrong reasons. He feels even worse when Stede goes to apologize for his poor choice of words and make up with Izzy, and Ed follows him secretly, just in case. The matter is resolved peacefully, Izzy sounding pretty poisonous at the start even if Ed can’t make out the words, but the conversation ends with him sounding just slightly annoyed, as usual. Stede steps out of the cabin looking happy, but then notices Ed and starts chastising him for eavesdropping.

That’s the first night they go to bed angry since the week Stede came back.

On February 10th they run into a small merchant ship and decide to raid it. It doesn’t seem to be carrying anything too expensive since there isn’t another ship to escort it, and it only has two guns - there’s no need for an elaborate plan. They just arm up and board, all except Stede and Lucius - Stede because he still isn’t ready to take a direct part in raids without being a liability, and Lucius because he refuses to. Not that he’d be any use with a sword, should he change his mind. The two not-quite-combatants stay aboard the Revenge and rain down cover fire - Stede is still little good with a sword, but he’s making good progress with guns. While he aims and shoots, Lucius reloads, and their teamwork is an almost perfect harmony, shots banging an almost steady beat, like a coxswain.

Izzy is still recovering, but he refuses outright to stay on the Revenge. Ed can tell he’s been itching  for a chance to stab a fucker or two, so he eventually lets him come, provided he stay close to Ed so he’ll be easier to protect. Doesn’t stop Iz from breaking the promise pretty soon, but it shouldn’t be a problem - he’s slower than usual, a bit less cocksure, doing a lot more straight jabs instead of showy flourishes, but still very accurate and deadly. And a delight to witness in action - he’s that mix of intentional showing-off and natural fluidity that makes for a great show every time. He’s always looked good with a sword in hand, and great with said sword cutting some poor bastard open. Any crew he works with eventually notices it, and even if his current one hasn’t found much else to like about him, they do appreciate him cutting off that one guy’s hand clean off with one strike. Ed didn’t know a rapier could do that.

Soon enough, the merchant crew is either killed or thrown overboard, and it’s safe for Stede to come in. He makes the rounds in the hold with Ed and Iz, sorting through what they  find and estimating their worth. There’s not  a whole lot of loot, as Ed has assumed - some lumber, a few guns, but there is one surprisingly valuable crate in the form of coffee and tea, which should cover the cost of fixing some of the lanterns that were broken in the fight. Assuming Stede can bring himself to sell them once the time comes.

They’re not hurrying - Stede likes digging through boxes and sorting things, Ed likes watching him get adorably excited about the stuff he finds, and Iz likes writing things down and doesn't mind acting as their accountant for now. His mood had improved by leaps and bounds after the honest admiration his skills got from the crew.

That high mood might be why none of them immediately notice the one final enemy.

You see, every now and then, there’s someone either foolish or brave - or foolishly brave - enough on board to try to fight back. Those types rarely fare well, being among the first to attack, and thus also to fall.

This one though - he’s a lucky bastard. He’s just cowardly enough to hide when the battle starts, but just courageous enough to test his chances afterwards. He’s managed to cram himself behind a stack of crates, in a crevice that’s small enough to get overlooked. Ed only notices him as he lifts his arm through the crack.

To point a gun at Stede.

Ed only has enough time to feel his blood run cold, even though he’s right next to Stede, staring right at the guy. He doesn’t even have time to think of moving, maybe pulling Stede out of the way, possibly push himself between the two, before Iz has already stabbed the man through the wrist.

The sword would be through his neck if it wasn’t in such an awkward spot.

Stede has gone pale as a sheet and can only stare in frozen terror as Iz pulls the man out of his sniping spot and slashes his throat. All of them are sprayed with hot blood.

It’s been a fair while  since Ed has seen Iz covered in someone else’s blood - he’d forgotten what a good look it is on him. His nethers perk up as Iz tries to wipe his cheek clean, only managing to smear it worse. His wonderful  little attack dog.

 “You alright, captain?”

It isn’t directed at Ed.

Stede stammers, gaining back some color on his cheeks. Mostly green. Izzy scowls at him.

“Better get used to it. Not all of us are gentlemen”, he says pointedly, before sheathing his sword coolly. He takes a look at his blood soaked hands, then at the blood soaked notebook on the floor, huffs in annoyance, and walks off grumbling to himself. Ed wonders if he realizes his bandages are also soaked.

Stede shudders and stares at the corpse at his feet.

 “Well, that was - exhilarating. Quite something.”

 “Fuckin’ hot am I right?”

 “Ah - well. I could’ve done without the blood. But it was quite gallant.” Stede goes pale again and makes a gagging noise. “I think I’ll go sit down for a while.”

Right, Stede can be delicate about blood. Although Ed’s sure he could get over it if he saw Iz looking like that a few times more.

Ah. Not that Ed wants that. He would prefer Stede and Iz stay on platonic terms. You know. Horniness just makes you think weird thoughts.

 “Take all the time you need, love. But get on the Revenge, wouldn’t want any more nasty surprises.”

Lucius holds the bloodied notebook like it's made of snot.

 "Starting to regret having this good of an education", he states, looking helplessly at Pete, who doesn't spontaneously become literate.

Ed just shrugs. His words won't change anything, so he says nothing. He leaves it to all of Lucius' boyfriends to comfort him, and goes instead to see how his own is doing.

Stede's looking much better now that he's gotten to wipe himself down and switched to clean clothes, but he's still a bit pale. His hair is straight and damp, he must’ve washed it even though it barely got any blood in it.

 “You okay, love?” Ed asks, pressing a soft kiss to said hair.

 “I think so. Did you run into any more trouble?”

 “Nah. He was the only cockroach on board.”

Stede shudders. Either because of the near death experience or the cockroach, it’s not clear.

 "Need help with your hair?"

 "Oh, thank you! I should have the curler here - ah, yes, here you go."

He puts a scissors-looking contraption in Ed’s hand, and he looks at it dumbly. Why did he even ask? He knows nothing about doing hair! His own just does its thing naturally!

 "You could try wearing it straight for a change. I think it'd look nice on you", Ed says, discreetly fiddling with the curler, trying to figure out how the hell it’s supposed to work. And it's not a total lie anyway, he really does like it when Stede looks a little rugged. He should consider growing a stubble again.

 “Hmm. I suppose I could leave it like this for today. It’s already well into the afternoon.”

Hiding his sigh of relief Ed sets the curler down and instead grabs a comb and starts going through the strands, needlessly gently, needlessly slowly. He thinks back to Iz covered in blood. Imagines Stede in the same situation.

 "Was the blood hard to get off?"

 "Yes. You wouldn't think it dried that quickly." Stede shudders. "The coat is ruined. Don't think the shirt is salvageable, either."

 "You could save the coat, might come in handy. Makes for a pretty intimidating figure."

 "A gentleman doesn't wear clothes that are more stain than not", Stede protests.

Ed chuckles and leans down a little to press a kiss to Stede’s neck.

 “Ed! I just got clean!” Stede giggles.

 “Better make sure you don’t get dirty, then!”, Ed winks and lowers his hand to palm at Stede’s cock. He places more kisses on Stede’s neck, in all the places he likes. Stede needs little persuasion before he pulls Ed with him to the bed and draws Ed’s face up to smother him in hot kisses.

If there’s one thing Stede is good at, it’s kissing. He took to it with unbelievable speed, seemingly learning two new tricks in each one kiss, and he could leave Ed senseless in seconds.

He withdraws before he forgets they’re supposed to be quick and clean this time.

 “Let me suck you”, he breathes, voice husky and needy, hand already digging at the fly of Stede’s breeches.

 “Oh my”, Stede gasps, and his hands wander around, trying to find bare skin to hold onto. Ed dives in for one more kiss with so much tongue it makes him dizzy, and Stede’s fingers gripping his hair aren’t making things easier. Stede’s fly slips open, and Ed immediately snakes his hand inside, tugging the shirt out of his way, and finally he reaches his prize.

Stede’s moans are wonderful. Soft, sensual, insistent, as Ed fondles his cock, brushing his thumb across the head.

 “Remember to come inside”, Ed whispers in Stede’s ear, tone leaning more to excited rather than the sly he had gone for, and Stede’s breath hitches and he whispers a soft fuck.

Stede has a very nice cock. A little bigger than Ed’s, evenly thick all around, light in color. The hair at the base is thick and blonde, and it never smells bad - how he manages that when everyone else on the ship stinks to high heaven remains a mystery that’s far less important than getting his mouth around Stede right this second. He’s gotten a lot of practice at this lately, and feels he’s gotten pretty good. Clearly Stede shares the sentiment, cock growing stiffer by the second, breathless moans escaping his mouth with each lick, fingers curling in Ed’s hair in wordless praise.

It all gets into Ed’s head, swaddling his thoughts in a cozy blanket, hazing his thoughts. For now, there’s little in the world but the Stede’s lovely voice, the faintly salty taste in Ed’s mouth, and the love shared between them.

Izzy never let him do this. He’d wanted to, sometimes, after a raid or brawl, but she always said it was a whore’s job, quickly and out of breath before getting back to sucking Ed’s cock to oblivion. Bit hypocritical of her.

The thought yanks him harshly back to the rest of the world. To his own heated, needy moans around Stede’s shaft, his own cock standing in rapt attention, his own heart thumping a painful, erratic beat against his chest.

Stede taps his shoulder in a hurried warning, and Ed buries himself deep as he physically can, runs his tongue along Stede’s cock as best he can with his mouth stuffed so full, and is rewarded with all he should want at this moment. The scent of Stede enveloping him, the touch of Stede all over his body, the voice of Stede surrounding him, but something is missing.

Stede draws him close, embraces him sweetly, kisses him hotly.  “You’re so good to me, dear.”

Ed’s taken several missteps along the way, but he does his best. Stede makes him want to do his best. It’s turning them both into better people.

Ed caresses Stede’s cheek softly, love swelling in his whole being. “You’re very easy to be good to, love.”

Stede melts, smiles like he’s having a dream. His hand starts wandering downward, but Ed grabs his wrist before it makes contact with the throbbing, leaking member. Stede looks at him with slight confusion.

 “Shouldn’t keep the crew waiting, or they’ll start fighting over who gets what.”

Stede makes a disappointed frown. “If you insist.” Ed grins and gives him a quick kiss. “But tonight I will fuck you so hard you forget your own name.”

It’s not often that Ed blushes. It’s even rarer than Stede use such language. “Keep talking like that and you’ll barely even need to touch me.”

The crew is gathered on the deck, chattering excitedly. It's less about the meager loot and more about the battle. It's lifted up everyone's moods, though apparently for Iz it was much more temporary since he's sitting by himself, looking considerably more sour than when they parted. Unlike Stede, Iz hasn't fully cleaned up. He's changed clothe and washed his face, but the dirty bandages are still there, and his hair is also clearly stiff with dried blood. He smells of it, too. Ed actually kinda likes it.

Frenchie holds up one of the coats they took off of the merchant crew, a dark blue, fairly fancy one. "Can I have this one? It'd go well with my Sunday breeches."

It wouldn't fetch much of a price. Someone had cut through an arm and left not only a giant rip, but also a bloodstain running down the whole front, so Stede gladly lets him keep it.

The rest of the clothes didn't fare much better, but they  still have the weapons and assorted pots, pans and dishes to bargain with, and decent rations. Not a feast’s worth, but a small celebration at least.

 “Closest port is île-A-Vache, right?” Stede ponders, and it’s proof that he’s been studying the charts.

 “Yeah. Port Royal pays better, though. Only a few days further, too.”

 “Supplies should last”, Stede thinks out loud. “Everyone in favor of making port at Port Royal?”

 “Aye!” comes the answer from most mouths, the rest being indifferent, Iz among them. It seems he’s done with being part of anything for now , as he slinks off to his cabin in annoyed silence.

Stede leaves Ed to plan the course - preferably one that would give them a good chance to raid one more ship while en route to Port Royal. He takes up the task gladly, he’s always been at his best at planning. Gives him a good excuse to spend some with Iz, too. They haven’t talked much lately, both still being awkward in the other’s presence, but Ed still misses hanging out with him. It’s strange how Stede is suddenly the one who’s closer to Izzy.

He goes to Iz’s cabin, forgets to knock before entering, and sees Iz craning his neck in front of the mirror, searching for the end of his bandage, hands getting smudged with the crusty blood of his bandages. Ed’s surprised he hadn’t changed them earlier.

 “Want some help with that?”

 “What the hell are you doing here?” Iz snaps defensively. Wow, who pissed in his coffee in the last hour? He looked pretty damn happy while playing hero for Stede. Getting a bit of blood on you shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

 “Came to get your help in planning the route.”

Iz clicks his tongue and practically spits his answer at Ed’s feet. “Not my job anymore.”

 “Huh?”

Izzy looks at him sternly. “You’re the one who made me a rigger. I don’t handle the navigation anymore.”

Oh. Right, of course, Ed did do that. He just got caught up in - something. He just forgot.

 “You’re right, I’ll just ask... someone else.”

Izzy used to crave his attention, would kill for an hour of Ed’s company.

 “I recommend the captain, he needs to learn eventually”, Izzy says scathingly, hands moving to press on his right shoulder. Maybe the cut is still putting a strain on him?

Ed could at least give him a shoulder rub, that should put him in a better mood. He always loved having Ed’s hands on him, his actions always made it clear even when his words claimed otherwise.

 “Does it hurt? You want a shoulder rub?”

 “Be best if you fucked off”, Izzy huffs, and it’s not in that I-actually-want-the-opposite way he used to always say it with.

Would... would he have said that if it was Stede? Who he was suddenly calling captain? Even if it wasn't quite the way he used to call Ed captain? Is he - how could he? How dare he?

Ed sees the ring on Izzy's ring finger. He belongs to someone else now.

How dare he!

 “Okay, okay. Just trying to be nice”, Ed mutters and leaves.

He says nothing about the incident to Stede, but he still acts strangely enough for Stede to ask if he’s alright - Ed doesn’t lie, but neither does he tell what’s causing his clipped words and tense hands. Stede can tell who the reason is, surely, but he can’t know the details. He doesn’t push, because he’s an angel.

Ed is impossibly lucky they met. Stede is perfect in nearly every way. He’s the sunny days after a storm. He’s sincere and good. He’s the adventure Ed has been searching for all his life, the missing link between sophistication and brutality. He’s honest and loving in all the ways Ed never knew a man could be. He’s a bit unhinged and not always as smart as he should be, but he has faith in Ed and that’s enough to make him want to work things out. So he tries to talk about it - but he can’t force himself to actually talk about it, and even if Stede is a little disappointed and impatient for things to get better, he understands and keeps loving Ed. Things are alright.

Despite wanting to, Ed doesn’t see much of Iz the next day - he’s got his hands full with the wind picking up, even with Fang helping him out where he can, and he has to spend a lot of time high up in the rigging, adjusting knots and whatnot. From what little glimpses Ed can catch, he seems fairly calm, so whatever made him throw that hissy fit after the raid must’ve been dealt with.

Being only about half a day away from Port Royal and not having run into a vessel they could  overtake, a restless energy takes over the idle crew, and with little else to do,  Jim suddenly gains an interest in Izzy’s work. They’re idly tossing a knife into the air and catching it, over and over, eyes on Izzy, who doesn’t seem to have noticed until he yells down at them.

 “Jimenez, pass me a knife!” Izzy calls from up in the rigging. Jim does as asked - by throwing it hard enough to embed the blade in the mast, by Izzy’s midsection. That’s some serious skill.

It’s hard to see from down here what he does with it, but it takes a bit, and Jim gets frustrated with the lack of good manners.

 “Would it kill you to say thanks!” they complain. Izzy hesitates for a few seconds before yelling a simple thanks. Jim seems happy enough with that, and after a few minutes Izzy throws the knife back down, blade first to the deck - usually, Ed would make him patch that nick, but supposes he could do it instead this once. It’s understandable Iz wouldn’t feel like climbing all the way down just to hand back one item.

Jim stays and watches for a minute, and then asks.

 “Is that the mizzenmast!”

 “Yeah!”

 “So that’s the mizzensail!”

 “Yeah!”

 “But the topsail is not at the top!”

 “The top ones are royals!”

 “That’s fucking stupid!”

 “I know!” Izzy laughs. He holds a lot of grudge towards royalty. Nobility in general, but especially royalty.

Jim watches for a while longer, then climbs up to join Izzy. He looks at them with surprise, and says something that’s lost to the wind, along with Jim’s reply. He then starts showing Jim what he’s doing, pointing out sails and teaching different knots. He’s usually a shitty teacher, he hates it when you don’t already know whatever it is you’re only just learning and starts cursing and screaming at you, but it seems he’s trying harder this time to not drive away his first apprentice.

Well, he was a shitty teacher in any case. The rare few cases Missy Izzy could be convinced to teach something had gone much better.

Or maybe it was just the subject matter.

Let’s not go down that path, brain.

Stede watches the pair fondly.

“You know, I’m starting to think he’s not a lost cause”, Stede chuckles. “He just needs some tenderness and he’ll be eating  out of our hands.”

The day Izzy doesn’t bite Stede’s hand is the day he stops calling himself Izzy, Ed used to think - now he’s dangerously close to agreeing. But the way to Izzy’s heart includes little niceness and a lot of domination.

 “It doesn’t work like that with Izzy”, he tries to explain. It’s nice of Stede to try and be kind, but he just doesn’t know Izzy the way Ed does. ”He doesn’t get gentleness, he’s an attack dog. He needs a leash. Wants a leash.” Is probably incapable of functioning without a leash.

 “Nonsense, everyone could do with some kindness”, Stede insists, obliviously kind-hearted. It’s what Ed loves about him, along with the cleverness and creativity. It’s just that the kindness is wasted on Izzy. Trust him on this, Ed’s tried.

“Perhaps he’s only an attack dog because no one tried to make him a lap dog”, Stede argues proudly. “Don’t tell him I said that, he’d hit me”, he adds, much less proudly.

Actually he’s wrong on that point - Bellamy(may he not rest in peace once his time comes) had tried his best to keep Izzy’s claws in check, and who had Izzy run to in the end? Ed smirks confidently.

 “Go ahead then. Give it a try, you’ll see I’m right.”

 “Perhaps I will! He deserves nice things, you know. Maybe I’ll invite him to dinner some day. Tomorrow, in fact! I’ll have Roach make  a meat pie. And something with apples, Izzy likes them.”

Ed might act high and mighty, but if he’s being completely honest, the situation worries him more than a little. Izzy warmed up to Stede while they played patient and nurse, and even more during this last few weeks. The uneasy, tentative affection between them is making Ed feel worryingly close to jealous. He knows it isn’t like that, because Izzy isn’t drawn to men like Stede - soft and fancy. He knows Izzy isn’t interested like that... And - and surely Stede isn’t interested either, it’s just sympathy for his patient, it will wear out once Izzy is himself again, and starts insulting everyone and trying to boss people around and cursing worse than a sailor. Because usual Izzy isn’t at all Stede’s type. And usual Izzy isn’t someone you forget, even if he’s acting like a puppy for now.

It can’t be like that.

Ed only agrees to Stede’s plan because he’s desperate to prove himself  wrong. After dinner, once they’ve set anchor, they go to Izzy’s cabin.

Unlike Ed, Stede always remember to knock. Izzy answers the door in a state of slight dishevel, and it’s unfairly fetching on him.  He’s so rarely seen without his hair set and waistcoat buttoned up that seeing him ready for bed feels like being let in on a dirty secret.

His hair has gotten a bit long. And it’s freshly cleaned. Guess he was celebrating Jim’s interest in the rigging. Even his once-white-now-grey and worn out linen shirt is clean. This one isn’t Lucius’, by the way, it’s one he’s had for years.

Ed knows this because it’s Ed’s hand-me-downs.

And Izzy wearing Ed’s clothes is often a sign of Missy Izzy’s presence.

It only adds to the fetchiness.

 “Izzy, could I have a moment of your time?”

 “Make it quick”, Izzy mutters, and Ed can no longer tell if he’s really annoyed or just acting his self-appointed part of disgruntled asshole.

 “I would like to extend an invitation to dinner tomorrow in the great cabin - if you’d be so inclined -”

 “Jesus, I said make it quick”, Izzy quips with a roll of his eyes. So, not actually annoyed.

 “Get your ass to our cabin tomorrow at dinner”, Ed grins. Iz answers with a grin of his own - Ed is surprised, though not startled unlike after that princess jab. Iz really does seem to be evolving into his past self. He used to grin and smile a lot more often when they’d been young, even when he wasn’t a woman. Missy Izzy had always been more easy-going, yeah, but a joke from just Izzy hadn’t been all that rare, either. Until the mutiny. Before life choked the joy out of Izzy. Before Blackbeard.

Fucking hell, they really screwed each other over with that decision, didn’t they.

“See how it’s done?” Izzy says to Stede, who takes it as a good-natured jab. It was probably only half good-natured. “But I’m busy with other stuff. Just eat by yourselves.”

Yeah, Ed’s pretty sure this is Missy Izzy. Regular Izzy wouldn’t be this polite to Stede. It’s been a real long time since her last appearance, she used to be around a lot when they were young, but Ed doesn’t remember seeing her even once in the last 7 years, at least. It’s pretty much only been First Mate Hands.

 “Oh.” Stede sounds so disappointed, but tries again, hopeful. “The day after, perhaps? Or lunch?”

At this, Izzy digs her heels in, grin replaced by familiar scowling. She loses the almost playful tilt of her head in favor of standing up defiantly. Ed doesn’t want to admit that he’s a little relieved by this. He’s proved his point about Izzy being an attack dog.

 “I’m busy. Eat by yourselves.”

 “Surely we can find a date that works for you?”

 “I’ve made a truce with you, Bonnet. We’re not friends.”

The relief Ed had felt is now dwarfed in comparison to how the plain sting on Stede’s face twists his insides.

 “Oh.”

Ed wants to wipe that scowl off Izzy’s face with his fist. She doesn’t get to hurt Stede, not after what she’s put them both through. She doesn’t get to play the victim. She will yield.

 “Iz. Dinner. Tomorrow. You don’t want to find out what happens if you’re not there.”

Stede looks at him with slight exasperation -it’s a relief he doesn’t understand how serious Ed is. Izzy just mopes.

Only seconds after saying it, Ed might throw up over how good it felt to threaten Izzy again. Stede and Ed aren’t the only ones who have suffered, and at least they’re close to getting their happily ever after. What does Izzy have? No real goals or friends, only a former lover who doesn’t know how to let her go but won’t take her back either.

Ed needs to start doing something about that.

They reach Port Royal a mid-morning the next day. As predicted, Stede has a hard time parting with the tea and coffee, so after Iz’s (very meanly worded) suggestion they compromise by keeping about two weeks’ rations of both and sell the rest. Stede laments the fact that the guy seemed like the type that doesn’t know how to appreciate a good arabica and would boil green tea.

Iz would make a sarcastic remark on it, but she went off on her own after her idea was accepted. It might be a good thing - Iz has always been shit a t relaxing, constantly finding something to either do or micromanage, but will usually use shore leave to visit a tavern though it’s rare for her to get drunk. Even rarer for him, interestingly enough.

Roach mopes a bit about having to cut his leave short, but Stede promises to pay him well for “overtime” - Ed makes a mental note to ask what that means later. Turns out Roach is a pretty good haggler and walks away with a share Ed feels is a lot more than fair. But it’s Stede’s ship and Stede’s cook, so it’s not his place to butt in.

They do a bit of shopping, then head back to the ship to get ready - hours earlier than needed. Stede explains that he’s just nervous and wants to make a good impression. Ed says that Izzy would really be more impressed by a messy and dirty cabin, but doesn’t mention it would be a bad sort of impressed. It doesn’t work anyway, Stede is set on making things as clean and pretty as humanly possible.

Once the knock comes, Stede gives one final smoothing to his immaculate clothes and hair. He opens the door to a pouting Izzy, who at least has the decency to have put on clean clothes - that particular linen shirt isn't Ed's, even though by all logic that one should still be clean. So she might have gone back to being just Izzy, then. This one is probably Lucius', Ed thinks he's seen the scribe wearing it before. They should do laundry soon, Ed is also starting to run out of clean clothes.

 “Right, let’s get this over with”, Izzy grumbles.

Stede doesn’t let the grumpiness get him down, thankfully. “Lovely of you to join us! I thought we might start with some aperitifs, would you care for some vermouth?”

 “Iz doesn’t really drink”, Ed informs him before Izzy can make a more scathing remark. He can’t remember the last time Izzy was properly drunk - at most he’ll allow himself to get tipsy - but it must’ve been before the Pants Incident, maybe even before Gideon died. So it’s been a long time, but Ed still remembers how he acts when he’s had a bit too much - gets soft and sleepy, more easy with his affections. Girly, as Izzy calls it, with contempt.

So Ed doesn’t remember the last time Izzy got properly drunk, but he does remember the last time Izzy asked for her hand to be held, and he remembers even better how in the morning she went from Missy Izzy back to First Mate Hands, and vehemently denied ever having liked getting his hair stroked and saying the words I love you.

Ed wonders if he still feels the same. Sturdy, but pliant under the right touches. If he would still make the same noises. If Stede has imagined -

Ed can’t possibly be drunk already, he only had a bit of rum in town.

 “Oh? Not even wine? That’s a shame. I have a bottle of Tokay from an excellent year”, Stede mourns.

 “Even I’m gonna need some liquid courage to get through this”, Izzy mutters as Stede guides him to the table, and for a second Ed wants Stede to put his hand on the small of Izzy’s back.

Someone must’ve been spiking the food at that shitty pub.

Izzy sits down heavily at the seat he used when Ed came to convince him to eat, and talk some things through.

Ed doesn’t know if it’s significant. It’s the seat next to Stede, closest to the door, furthest from Ed. Stede pours them all a tiny glass of the vermouth, dry and spicy. Izzy looks at it with disdain, and downs it one go. Then makes a face.

 “Stronger than you thought, right?” Ed laughs, and sips his daintily, brushing aside the memory of their first drunken kiss. “Want me to top your glass?”

 “Please - as the host, let me”, Stede intervenes.

Izzy downs this glass just as fast the first one.

 “You’re supposed to savor it”, Stede pouts.

 “I’ll savor it once I’m drunk enough to tolerate this farce”, Izzy shoots back and motions for another glass. Stede lets out a long-suffering sigh and does as requested.

Izzy lets the third pour in peace, Ed notices, and is sure Stede doesn’t miss it either. Izzy's awkwardness about being nice would be cute if it wasn't so goddamn annoying.

 “So. Here I am”, Izzy grumbles, purposely antagonistic. Ed gives him a warning look, which Izzy ignores with glee. “What’s for dinner.”

This is Stede in his element.

 “For appetizers we have boiled corn and onion bread rolls - I was hoping for garlic, but alas, the store has run dry. Our main course is Cheshire pork pie, with a side of pickled cucumbers, for wine we have a red Bordeaux, but you may of course opt for water if you’d prefer. And finally, for dessert, Roach has prepared apple tarts - they might be on the simple side, but I assure you they’re quite delicious.”

Ed has been watching Izzy’s face with amusement - at first it’s just annoyed, then as the list goes on it grows first into disbelief, then amazement, and finally outrage.

 “Fucking hell, you eat like this every day?”

 “No, no! Well, not anymore. This is a special occasion.”

Ed is surprised that Izzy doesn’t push the issue, since he hates excess and luxury. Instead, he takes a sip of his aperitif, savors it discreetly to buy himself some time, but it’s not enough and he can’t think of what to say.

Ed saves his hide and pride. “How’s work gone so far?”

 “We should redo the rigging completely”, Izzy responds flatly, in his element again - complaining. “It’s not an efficient arrangement. We should make port and overhaul the whole thing.Find a sailmaker.”

 “Is it in that bad of a condition?” Stede asks, worried.

 “Nah, but a sailmaker’s always good to have onboard”, Ed says.

Izzy suggests a port, and Stede promises to consider it. Then he tries some light conversation, but it doesn’t work out the way he hoped - Izzy is either thorny or tight-lipped. So they switch back to more professional matters, and even if Stede is a little disappointed, he’s also happy that Izzy is taking part without being properly drunk. Just tipsy enough that he doesn’t feel the need to be an asshole, and Stede is always happy to learn something new. They end up talking mostly about ship maintenance, for a good few hours. It lets Ed drown himself in a few more pleasant memories as he lingers on the outskirts of the conversation, offering only a few words here and there, between longing looks at Stede's hands and Izzy's face. It's gotten a lot older since they first met. It's comforting. Knowing it's still here, after all they've been through together. Hornigold, the Kraken, Stede. It won't run away from him.

The drinks undoubtedly help Iz to forget keep track of time, or he would’ve left right after finishing his food. He also forgets to act like he’s been forced here as a prisoner. It’s rare to see him wound down like this, which might be the reason he drinks so rarely in the first place - doesn’t like having his guard down and his image ruined. He’s not a happy drunk, per se, unless he starts in a good mood. But he does always get a little absentminded no matter his starting point.

 “We should do this again soon”, Stede suggests happily as he nurses his second cup of tea - the very one he hadn’t had the heart to sell. Aforementioned absentmindedness must be the reason Iz replies with a simple sure instead of a complaint, and the cup of quality coffee from the same haul as the tea can only help matters. Ed sees the surprise on Stede’s face and lifts a finger to his lips - better shush him before he says something to make Iz notice his lapsus.

 “But we need supplies”, Iz continues thoughtfully. “We should be running low on flour and potatoes.”

 “Roach told you?”

 "Lucius. He - spends a lot of time in the stores."

 “I wonder how Roach keeps track of everything, since he can’t read", Stede muses out loud, completely missing the fact that his scribe's favorite noodling spot is right next to everyone's food.

 “He can count and he has experience”, Iz explains, not very thoroughly.

 “He should count more sugar, we’re constantly running out”, Ed butts in, trusting Iz to latch onto that.

 “You know it’s because you put seven damn lumps in each cup! It’s undrinkable at that point you damn sugar mite!”

 “It’s not the right amount of sweet otherwise!”

 “Just eat it straight! That’s what you’re basically doing anyway!”

 “So I like sweet things. That a crime now?”

 “Unmanly is what it is”, Iz whines, in a not very manly fashion.

 “Being unmanly is fun every now and then. As you know.”

 “I guess”, Iz amends, and grins faintly. Then suddenly he remembers Stede isn’t supposed to know about that, and he jumps up, pointing an accusing finger at Ed. “The fuck I’d know! Whatever he’s been saying about me, it’s not true!” he tries to convince Stede, who has no idea what either of them is talking about.

 “I promise Ed has only said good things about you”, Stede tries to calm him, and it’s a lie. Ed has complained about Iz plenty.

 “Well of course it was good for him!”

 “You seemed to like it plenty”, Ed teases before he gets hold of his drunken brain. He didn’t mean to ruin the mood, he didn’t want to make Iz feel bad, he doesn’t want Iz running off and cutting their night short when they were getting along so well. “I’m sorry. That was out of line.”

 “Yeah, it was!” Iz yells angrily, but there’s an edge of panic in there.

 “I haven’t told him. Haven’t told anyone”, Ed promises. He really hasn’t. Not just for safety, but also because Iz always seemed ashamed of Missy Izzy.

 “You really haven’t?”

 “I haven’t.”

Iz deflates with relief and sits back down. Everyone is silent for a while, mood gone to shit, and Ed is mentally kicking himself in the head.

 “Well, it’s nearing bedtime”, Stede finally says awkwardly. “I could read us all a story - well, less read and more telling from memory. Seeing as how all my books of fairytales were thrown out.”

Iz barks a laugh at that, and the coffee nearly sloshes out from his cup. Ed makes an apologetic face, even though Stede has already forgiven him for throwing out all his stuff.

 “You ninnies have fun crying over children’s stories, I’m going to bed.”

And Iz gets on his wobbly feet. Ed wants to offer his help, but with their new strained relationship Iz isn’t likely to accept - and Ed’s in a volatile enough state of mind to not know how he would react if Iz rejected him.

 “We’ll get you to attend one of these days”, he boasts instead. Izzy rolls his eyes and gets going.

"This was a lovely evening, we should do it again soon!" Stede calls after him, and Iz flips him the bird. But doesn't say no.

Late the next morning Stede goes to ask Izzy to join them on shore, walk around a bit and see the sights - which there are few and none worth seeing, really - but it seems he's already gone off on his own. They later run into Frenchie and Wee John, who say they saw Izzy going somewhere with Jim and Oluwande, and when they return to the ship in the evening they see him mending a sail with Lucius - or rather, Izzy mends while Lucius sits next to him just chatting. It's nothing out of the ordinary  since Lucius is well-known to do as little physical work as possible, and Izzy has come to begrudgingly accept that. Stede shoots them a jealous look, but Ed pulls him away before either notices them. Nice as last night was, it’s only made Ed more scared of them growing closer.

They had planned to leave that day anyway, but an approaching navy vessel forces them to  gather everyone up from around town and run off early. Jim, Oluwande and Fang hurry to help Izzy with the sails, Buttons takes over the helm, and they manage to flee pretty much just in the nick of time. The lone navy ship tries to give chase, but is much slower than the Revenge, which makes Ed suspect there's something off with it - a brig that size should be making ten knots in this wind, but it seems like they're making barely half of that. Ed isn't about to curse his good luck, but it does make him uneasy. Like it's some kind of plot. But since the ship doesn't reappear in the next few days, he breathes a sigh of relief. Must've just been a coincidence or something. It's back to smooth sailing.

Well, mostly anyway. There's a wrinkle in the form of Stede taking up following after Izzy again, spying  on his knotwork, trying to replicate the hand movements. Izzy feigns ignorance for a while, but eventually snaps and starts instructing him angrily. Ed can’t hear them over the wind and waves, but can imagine the words - you fucking twat, like this! Fucking useless idiot, don’t you know anything?!, and so on. To Stede’s credit, while he’s startled and nervous, he stands his ground and reminds Izzy of the no-yelling rule instead of cowering. This pisses Izzy off even worse, but he really does shut up. Doesn’t even get physical! Oh, his face is red and scrunched up snarly, for sure, but he doesn’t start a fight. He does march off with great rage, naturally, but it’s nice to see he respects the rule enough to keep himself in check when reminded.

Stede looks at the rope with guilt, and tries to finish Izzy’s work for him. It’s a pretty sad sight, so Ed eventually takes pity on him and goes to take over.The next day, Stede stops pretending he isn’t blatantly watching, and goes right up to Izzy and pays very close attention. Ed subtly creeps closer to keep an eye on them. As expected, Izzy starts huffing and puffing, though he’s surprisingly slow to start with the yelling. Even more surprisingly, Stede actually learns something, and - this nearly makes Ed fall over in shock - Izzy gives him a reluctant "Not as shitty as all the other times" and Stede beams with pride, until Izzy follows up with "You know what that knot's called? What it's used for?" and then with an "Of fucking course you don't, you twat" when Stede makes a helpless noise in lieu of answering.

Ed is just about to intervene when Izzy goes into actual teaching mode. “It's the buntline hitch. Good for securing sails, shaking makes it tighten. Try again."

It hits Ed over the head like a bag of bricks.

Don’t get him wrong, of course he’s happy that Izzy’s finally stopped hating Stede for no reason and that they both get to be happy, that they’re getting along because trying to act mediator between them had been incredibly tiring, but it’s just so stomach-twisting seeing the two of them acting so friendly. Guess even Izzy has to go soft for someone who nursed him back to health, be it even his sworn, one-sided nemesis. The experience has mellowed him out a lot - he curses less these days, and is less high-strung about maintaining the ship, less stressed in general. He feels closer to his 30-year-old self. The one that was efficient without being a hard-ass, who smiled every now and then, and looked at Ed with warmth and only a touch of reverence. It resembles the Izzy that Ed had loved, so long ago, before being a living legend wore them both out. He feels a small something in his chest whenever he sees Izzy up in the rigging, or securing the ropes, or just sitting with the crew.

That something is worryingly similar to the possessive sting that led to him steal Izzy from Bellamy, decades ago. And it’s scarily close to the surge of affection he feels whenever Stede touches him. Of course it’s a lot weaker than either those feelings, and of course he isn’t actually falling back in love with Izzy, and of course there’s no danger of Ed abandoning Stede, but - it’s nostalgic, and Ed can still remember what it was like, loving Izzy. Having someone who’s lived the same shitty circumstances, who can understand what it takes to thrive outside the law, and can damn near read your mind. How intoxicating it felt to have someone like that at his mercy. How flattering it was to hear someone drink in every word he said. Invigorating, in a very different way from the comfortable partnership with Stede feels. Covetous.

Those memories must be why he feels uneasy seeing others act so familiar with Izzy. He used to be no one’s but Eds, would rarely chat with anyone else, and would never let anyone else touch him. Now he sees him talking with them all the time, sees Lucius give him pats on the back and Fang try to give him hugs(he’s had no success as of yet). And worse, Izzy is responding to this new-found camaraderie. He’s stopped griping about anything and everything, does his best to stay neutral even when his face betrays his anger, catches himself before he tries to boss anyone around, and has even started sleeping on the deck with the rest of the crew who don’t have cabins. He used to hate that.

But the worst is that Stede is being so kind in return, and so patient, and Izzy likes it. He’s almost  stopped calling Stede names, says a kind word every now and then, doesn’t squirm away when Stede puts a hand on his shoulder, or brushes his arm, looks at him without sneering. It’s almost like he’s moved on from Ed to -

No, actually the worst is how Stede is responding to this new, muted Izzy, that he puts a hand on Izzy’s shoulder, and brushes his arm, and smiles at him warmly and quietly, and looks at him with fondness that the Izzy from a month ago could never have incited.

Since their last call of port had been cut short, they vote to make another landfall after a few days. Izzy wants to get some repairs done and to find a sailmaker, Roach needs chicken feed, and Buttons says something about a dangerous phase of the moon. Ed can't tell if he says it in favor or in opposition of making port. Olivia squawks supportively, and no one comments further.

 "Could try Santiago de Cuba, but it's not a pirate port. Tortuga might be safer", Ed muses out loud. "Could make it in two days if the wind holds, and it should."

 "Everyone in favor of making port at Tortuga, raise your hand?" Stede asks, and everyone raises a hand. Guess the moon was making the sea dangerous, then. "Unanimous vote! How lovely! Ed, dear, would you mind planning the course?"

 "Sure. Iz, wanna come with?"

 “No.” It’s blunt, and it’s only then that Ed remembers once again - “It’s not my job anymore.”

 “Of course, sorry”, he apologizes instantly. But he's mostly sorry about missing a chance to spend time with Iz. He's been giving Ed the cold shoulder since the dinner. “Let me know if you need help with the rigging.”

 “Jimenez is competent enough, we’ll manage two days.” And with that he walks off, not even a glance to Ed’s direction, Bellamy’s ring on his finger.

Izzy never used to say no to him. These new boundaries are throwing him off balance. On one hand, it’s a good thing Izzy’s learning his limits, and letting go of his obsession with Ed. And Izzy has every right int he world to be his own person. He should be his own person. Ed should encourage this new direction, help Iz move on and find contentment in his new role and relationships.

But he wants to claim Izzy all to himself again, make him look only at him again, want to only please him again, make him stop carrying Bellamy’s ring on his hand, make him stop avoiding Ed, wants to show anyone who dares touch Izzy what happens to those who lay their hands on Blackbeard’s property.

And then - then he remembers Stede and feels such horror at these thoughts that he nearly throws himself at the feet of whoever’s nearest and begs for punishment. He loves Stede, wants to spend the rest of his life with him, wants to never hurt him or betray him - it - it must just be because Izzy has never been cold to him before so it's new and strange and fascinating. It'll pass.

It has to pass.

Ed tries to push it out of his mind, and he does have some success, largely because the more he stresses about it the more his knee starts aching and the pain leaves little room for other thoughts. Like it's trying to be helpful in it's own, torturous way. By now it's the middle of the night, and his whole leg might as well be on fire, and he's this close to hacking the goddamn thing off. Resting it doesn't help, stretching it doesn't help, and Stede's massaging technique isn't confident enough - his touch is too light, worried about hurting Ed further, and also doesn’t have the experience to know what parts like what motions. Stede is so gentle, when he isn't burning down asshole rich idiots. Gentleness is such a rare treat in this type of life, and Stede wields it so freely - sometimes it still catches Ed off guard how open he can be about everything. How clueless and soft he is. How absolutely lovely he is.

Ed wouldn't have the heart to wake him even if he did have the perfect massage technique. Izzy, on the other hand, is on watch. Even if he now refuses to take part in choosing routes or any other professional matters - as he has every right to, Ed reminds himself - hopefully he won't mind doing a personal favor for his frie - possible friend. Ed isn't too sure what they are, anymore. Can only hope Stede hasn't usurped Ed's spot in Izzy's mind.

So he heads out to the deck, thankful that he moon is only a crescent so Buttons isn't up for moonbathing, and for the slight drizzle that means all the crew has opted to sleep under deck. Izzy usually likes to hang out on forecastle, and this time is no exception - the unusual part is that he isn’t alone. In the faint moon light Ed can see Lucius leaning on the helm, Izzy somewhere behind him. Ed still isn’t too comfortable around the scribe, meeting the victim of your attempted murder is awkward enough in the best circumstances, the victim being undeserving makes it even worse, and when you break down crying before your undeserving attempted murder victim who has been hiding in your fist mate’s cabin for weeks, well - that’s really something else. Ed hadn’t been in a sound state of mind at the time, and of course he’d apologized, and it should be clear he regrets doing it, and he’s trying hard to make amends, but Lucius is still so cold. It doesn’t look like he’s planning to forgive and forget any time soon. Same with Black Pete, although he isn’t making it as obvious. Ed tries not to show that he’s avoiding Lucius, but everyone must already knew. The ship isn't that big.

So Ed sits down and leans against the wall instead of getting up on the forecastle, trying his best to rub his knee, waiting for Lucius to move on so Izzy can work on it properly. He can’t quite make out what’s being said, but it sounds pretty heated. Not all that surprising when it comes to Izzy, but very surprising with Lucius. The man is timid at the best of times, and even when he got angry he’d just get sarcastic instead of aggressive. While he snipes a lot, Ed’s never heard him yell at anyone. Is it more shocking that he’s yelling at Izzy, or less? After all, they had shared that tiny cabin for weeks, must’ve gotten along pretty well since they’re both still alive - is he comfortable enough with Izzy to yell, or just angry enough? They had become something approximating friends while Stede was away. Izzy has stopped threatening and demeaning Lucius almost completely, and Ed sometimes catches them talking alone calmly. They have their arguments, naturally, since Izzy is Izzy and Lucius has a lot more backbone than you’d think, but it always resolves pretty quickly and amicably. These days they’re practically bosom buddies. Weird how Izzy seems to get along best with the people who put up with his bullshit the least.

But this time the talk just keeps going and getting more and more heated. Ed’s knee isn’t letting up, either, and he’s starting to consider just interrupting them both for the sake of his knee and their friendship, when Izzy’s voice finally rises higher and louder, and the first audible words of the argument are “You lower your fucking voice! I’ve had enough of your-”

Classic Izzy.

He’s interrupted by Lucius’ much cooler and quieter voice, and Ed finds himself straining to hear the rest. His interest has been piqued. What a fun word, piqued. Stede taught him that last week.

 “It’s how things are -” Izzy is saying.

 “They don’t have to be.”

 “Fuck off, not our business how-”

 “Tell me, Izzy, are you happy? With how things are?”

There’s a short silence, a first when it comes to arguments with Izzy. The man is simply incapable of shutting himself up even when it’s clear he has no arguments other than shut up or fuck off. It worries Ed - maybe he hasn’t recovered from his suicide attempt as well as everyone thought. Maybe the root cause hasn’t really been dealt with, maybe they haven’t talked about it enough, maybe Ed just got swept up in the new dynamic between Izzy and the crew and didn’t realize not everyone is as happy about it?

Ed should probably go help him. Show support and take criticism. Lucius has a scathing tongue when pushed, Izzy doesn’t need that when he’s proven more sensitive than he acts. He might take things the wrong way and do something drastic.

Ed steps into view just as Izzy starts saying “Doesn’t matter whether I’m-”, then is startled by Ed’s sudden appearance and shuts up quicker than a rock falls. Ed curses at himself, because it sounded like Izzy was about to say something really fucking important.

 “Don’t mind me, just our for a stroll. The knee, you know”, he says feebly.

Izzy stares at him petrified, while Lucius has a much more calculating look on his face. Ed doesn’t like that look. It has a plan.

Lucius turns his back to Ed, facing Izzy, so he can’t see the expression, but his voice is calm as he says in an even tone: “Clearly what you’re doing now isn’t working. High time to try something new.” Another calculating glance at Ed, who has been rooted in place, then a smirk. “You know where to find me.” And then he leans into Izzy again, and whispers something into his ear that makes Izzy bloom crimson all the way to his neck where the weathered gauze suddenly hides it, and scream expletives at Lucius until he’s disappeared under deck.

 “Wow. What was that all about?” Ed asks, trying for amused, but the heavy knot in his stomach doesn’t make it easy. Izzy is a complicated and contradictory guy - often, the more he curses and acts like he hates something, the more he actually likes it. In the old days, the more aroused he was, the more he would deny it, and they rarely got to bed without a physical fight. A severe case of the lady protesting too much.

The thought floats in Ed’s head in circles. The butterflies in his stomach are flapping up a storm, and it’s more than the uneasiness of being around Lucius, more than the fear of Izzy hiding things from him again. It’s something closer to when Bellamy -

No, it can’t be that. He stopped feeling that way about Izzy a long time ago. And Ed has Stede now. It's nothing like that!

 “He’s being a fucking asshole is what that was all about!” Izzy huffs, but it’s more embarrassed than angry, and the feeling doesn’t like that, even though it has no business butting into Izzy’s personal life anymore.

Izzy takes a deep breath through his nose. Hides his face in his hands, makes a shuddering sigh. After a moment his hands wander down to his neck, and he’s still blushing. Something Ed hasn’t seen in at least fifteen years, and his stomach turns.

 “Thought you were friends these days.”

 “He’s become insufferable since he sketched me”, Izzy grumbles, shaking his head, looking to the side, his lips in a tense line, and Ed freezes.

Izzy let himself be sketched by Lucius? He’s let himself be - just how fucking close have they become since - Izzy has posed for Lucius, for a sketch, have they -

Ever since Izzy came back to life, Ed had been worried that he was developing feelings for Stede. But the whole time he’d been mistaken? Missed the threat hanging out in the periphery, forgotten the most obvious candidate right beside Izzy, who already has half the crew wrapped around his finger, whose shirts Izzy’s been wearing for weeks? What is he going to do with Izzy? What is the point of him getting just one more bedmate, having someone who used to hate him, taking someone else’s lover -

Wait, was this how Izzy felt when Stede entered the picture? Did he feel the same all-encompassing rage and desire to strangle the fucking asshole who waltzed in to steal his man? It had been a decade since Ed could rightly call Izzy his lover, and yet it felt completely natural in his head? And the thought of losing him to someone else filled him with such jealousy his chest felt like it would implode.

Izzy’s actions suddenly make so much more sense. Ed is already happy with someone new, and yet he’s ready to go stab the scribe and have him keelhauled until he “accidentally” dies.

And he’s even more furious at Izzy. Who is he to follow someone else around like a puppy, wagging his tail at a new man, barking on someone else’s command without Ed’s permission? He’s Ed’s dog, his to do with as he pleases or doesn’t, his to either keep or put down.

 “You want to fuck him, Iz?” Ed asks, tone too dangerous, too possessive. He hears Izzy's breathing quicken, sees his pupils dilating, his body shivering.

 “What kind of question-”

 “What did he whisper to you, before he left?” Ed demands as his hand approaches Izzy's throat, searching for its familiar place. Not to hurt, just to remind them both of their roles. And when Izzy hesitates, the hand wraps around, squeezes a little. Feels like it's back home.

 “What did he say?”

 “He said I’ll let you call me daddy”, Izzy whimpers.

So that’s how it is. Izzy’s looking for a new master, because his old one has thrown him out. Ed only has himself to blame. Because he never owned Izzy but kept acting like he did, stole him from the one man who would have kept him for all his life, and then didn’t let him go once he’d had his fun. And now they’re stuck in this co-dependent mess where they aren’t friends or lovers or anything because Ed has found a new lover but won’t let Izzy do the same, isn’t ready for Izzy to move on, isn’t ready to face the fact that Izzy isn’t happy with him anymore.

He has no business butting into Izzy's personal life. Hasn't had the right in years, and yet it felt so right at the moment. Was it only because Izzy is as good as property in his mind? And once he owns something it's his forever? No matter how anyone else feels, least of all the property itself?

He pries his hand off Izzy’s throat, disgusted with himself. When did he stop seeing Izzy as a real human, with human emotions? He knows he used to, back when they were both happy, when they were young, back on The Ranger.  When did Iz turn into a discarded toy he only wants back when someone else wants to play with it?

 “Iz.”

 “Yes, captain?” and the words stab him right in the heart. Here he is, proving how he doesn’t deserve Izzy’s reverence, and yet that’s exactly what he’s getting. By strangling him for having an interest in someone new a fucking decade after Ed abandoned him.

 “You can go to him, if you want. I don’t - I don’t own you, you know. I just got jealous, you were mine for so long -”

 “You’re jealous?” Izzy interrupts, amazed, and Ed realizes he’s only dug himself deeper, so he leans into his new persona who wants to apologize for things, which Izzy hates. He needs to push Izzy away.

“Yeah, I know it’s shitty of me, the way I kept sleeping around after we got together and when we haven’t been like that for a long time but I can’t help it. If - if I’m stealing you from him, like I stole you from Bellamy -”

 “I chose to be yours”, Izzy interrupts again, firmly this time, and his eyes still  full of admiration, showing how badly Ed has fucked up with him, again. It’s like every word and action he takes with Izzy is the wrong one. He’s so fucking shit at handling Izzy, and Izzy is also shit at reading Ed, how are they ever supposed to make things right? “I kept belonging to you because I wanted to. I still belong to you. No one else has touched me", Izzy pleads, falling just short of groveling at Ed's feet. Maybe his statement still holds true, but clearly he’s dipping his toes into being touched by Lucius . "Having other people is your prerogative, I was happy as long as I got to be your wife.”

 “Which means you’ve been unhappy for a long time, Iz”, Ed says, and Izzy seems surprised by that, somehow. Because he hadn’t realized it himself? Because he didn’t think Ed would comment on it? Because he thought Ed wouldn’t care? “Let me make things right”, Ed begs. “Iz. I want you to be happy again, and - I’m not the one who can do that anymore.”

 “Don’t send me away.”

 “I wont. But you need to find a new reason to live. We both need to become new people.”

 “We’re too fucking old for that.”

 “We’re not.” Ed says this with conviction, as a pure fact, because he knows it’s true. Ed began his own transformation when he met Stede, and has kept it going knowingly, purposefully. And Iz is teetering on the edge of his own transformation, though he’s much less aware of it. “We will change”, Ed continues, and he feels the fire in his eyes, and Iz sees the flames. He has that look of speechless adoration Ed used to love on him. “And it will be for good.”

For now, Iz will have no doubts. For now, he will believe any word that comes out of Ed’s mouth. As Ed walks away, he knows Iz will be watching him, and he also knows the look - worship, trust, devotion. He will look like that for a several minutes before coming back down to Earth - Jack and Bellamy have told him as much, with wildly differing opinions on it.

When Ed says I will change to Stede, he doesn’t look like that. He’s pleased, but doesn’t see Ed as his god, just a fellow human, with a human body and human emotions and human ambitions. And being seen like this feels so much better.

He wants that for Izzy.

In the morning Ed steels his resolve. He needs to talk  to Lucius. Tell him he has Ed’s support in courting Iz. So Iz will know he has options. That he deserves more than scraps from Ed’s table.

No, Ed has given him even less than scraps, he realizes - not even the bare fucking minimum to keep Izzy content. Not even empty promises of treats, just plain not giving him anything. He spent his days avoiding Izzy’s eye, planning how to talk to him with the least amount of words, trying his best to forget Izzy’s existence as long as he stayed in line. Nothing but the stick, not a single carrot for years.

He has to let Izzy move on. Has to let him know he has options. A large part of him still wants to put a knife through Lucius’ palm for daring to even think about laying a hand on his Izzy, but it’s fast becoming smaller than the part that wants to become a better man. Perhaps soon he’ll stop feeling possessive over his past lover. Best friend. First mate.

He can’t be Blackbeard anymore. Doesn’t want to be Blackbeard. He doesn’t want to look at Izzy and only see property. Izzy doesn’t understand - that’s the problem, he doesn’t understand his own good. He might want to go back to the days when Ed owned him, might believe the only thing he’s good for is serving Ed, might fight tooth and nail against being freed, but Ed won’t let him suffer like that anymore -Izzy deserves better. And he'll see that once he’s let go of Ed.

Even if this isn’t the day he feels comfortable imagining Izzy in the arms of someone else, it will be the day he starts working towards that. He will talk to Lucius - give them his blessing, even if he doesn’t quite mean it yet.

So he seeks Lucius out - nervously, feeling faintly sick, but he does find Lucius and doesn’t dodge his gaze. He’s alone in his and Pete’s cabin, scribbling something in a large notebook - his sketchbook? The one where Izzy is drawn? Ed hopes he at least got his own page, and not just a corner among five other dicks.

Ed feels irritation rising to match his nervousness.

 “Got a minute?” he asks, going for casual. No one is fooled. For one, because he doesn’t really look at Lucius these days, much less talk with him. That alone makes the whole conversation conspicuous as hell, and it’s only going to get more conspicuous from here.

Lucius gives a chilly nod. For a second, Ed wonders if he should sit down, but the only place is next to Lucius on the bunk and he doubts it would help things, so he stays at the doorway, attempting to lean casually on the wall, but he probably just looks constipated.

 “So I’ve seen you getting kinda chummy with Izzy, huh?” He tries, tries so hard not to sound jealous, but doesn’t manage. It was supposed to just be a casual statement, but it comes out like an accusation.

For such a bubbly person, Lucius sure can look cold when he wants.

 “Tends to happen with people who save your life.”

 “Right, yeah”, Ed acquiesces right away, because it does tend to happen with people who save your life... as well as those who nurse you back to health, but somehow he’s much less possessive and much more terrified when Stede is the threat. “Makes sense that would help. So, um - things going well, then? You’re friends now? He used to hate you.”

Lucius gives him a well-deserved suspicious look, and Ed can’t keep his cool. Not that he’s been keeping it all that well up to now, but, you know. At least he hadn’t been sweating bullets before that stare. Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, which his bad knee isn’t very appreciative of, he’s been pushing it too far these past few days.

 “Not that feelings can’t change, obviously”, Ed bumbles. “He seems to like you well enough these days.” Well enough to put up a loud enough show to wake the whole ship and show his dick to Lucius.

 “You had your chance. For decades, probably. Stop getting jealous just because he’s ready to move on.”

A flash of anger breaks through the guilt and shame, and Lucius must notice because grips his pen tighter and his legs tense up, ready to stand. Ed can’t blame him for that, even if Ed keeps proving he’s not Blackbeard anymore, that he won’t resort to violence in matters like these. That he’s atoning for his earlier actions, that he doesn’t want to be the person used to be, and that he doesn’t mean to resent people for not forgiving him.

 “I - I’m not jealous, I swear. Go after him if you want, I won’t stop you, I promise. But you know he’s a difficult person.”

Lucius clicks his tongue and scowls at Ed in a very Izzy-like way. Like he’s been getting lessons. Like they’ve spent a lot of time alone in a confined space while Ed was busy crying after Stede and abusing Izzy.

 “Thanks for reminding me, I totally forgot about all the times he bullied me.”

 “So why would you -”

 “Because he saved my life. And I realized he’s more complicated than he looks.”

Ed has to admit he’d been just as, if not more, surprised than Lucius himself that Izzy had saved him. In all the decades they’d spent together Izzy had always tried to make Ed take that final step instead of outsourcing it, and when he finally had personally tried to kill someone, Izzy goes and saves that person, claiming some bullshit about knowing Ed would regret it. He’d been right, of course, but he shouldn’t have thought that in the first place.

 "So are you done threatening me? Can we both keep going about our days now?"

 "I wasn't threatening you. I swear. If you want - and if Iz's up for it - I mean he probably is even if he thinks he isn't. Or wants you to think he isn't. He's weird like that. I'm sure you know."

 "Eh. I think he's mostly just repressed. Learned not to show his true self from a young age. Doesn't know how to do it anymore. Might have a side of him even you don't know about."

Ed doubts that. They've known each other for so long, since they were practically kids. Were real close for a while, too.

He wants to gloat about that. That he knows Izzy far more intimately than Lucius does. That he's learned all of Izzy's secrets, even the one they've never talked about, that sometimes just comes to the surface, and is now becoming relevant again after years of inactivity.

But this isn't supposed to be a competition. Besides, it's possible Lucius already knows about Missy Izzy - even if they aren't fucking yet, Iz has been naked in front of Lucius, and the only times Izzy has his dick out are when he's peeing or being Missy Izzy.

 "Whatever secret sides he shows you, don't draw attention to them. He hates feeling exposed."

Lucius looks at him like he's trying to figure out if Ed knows the same secret he does.

 "In any case, be prepared to wear the pants in the relationship. Iz's a follower, not a leader."

 "Mm. It gets annoying sometimes."

 "I know. Teach him how to be an equal."

Lucius makes some sort of noise, Ed doesn't stick around to ask of it's supposed to be affirmative or disbelieving - he feels naked and vulnerable under Lucius’ sharp eyes, and it’s best not to give him any more ammo than he already has.

By evening, Ed is feeling surprisingly okay. He has a little stroll on deck with Stede, they look at the stars for a while, Stede sweeps him off his feet with the most wonderful kiss, and then they go to bed. Settling in comfortably, Ed as the big spoon, Stede begins their usual late night conversation - often it's light-hearted topics of little importance, just cozy small talk until they fall asleep dreaming of each other.

 "I invited Izzy for another dinner", Stede mentions. Tonight's talk may be a bit more important than usual. "I can't tell if he agreed or not."

 "What did he say?"

 "Something along the lines of over my dead body”, Stede says with a surprisingly good impression of Izzy's sarcastic snarl. “But then he asked if he should dig out his finest silks and laces and prance into the cabin like a glittery spring lamb. I offered to borrow him some clothes if he liked but he spat on my shoes."

 "If he ever asks to lend anything fancy, it's 'cuz he's planning to break it. He hates that shit."

 "Has he always been like this?"

 "Pretty much. Used to be less hostile about it when we young. Tolerated it in small doses. Or on certain people."

 "Such as?"

Fucking hell. Did he really have to tell Stede about Bellamy, may he catch the plague. Ed didn't like it when bedtime talk turned serious, it always lead to uneasy sleep. And Sam fucking Bellamy makes him nauseous on the best of days.

 "Ugh. There was this guy Sam - before he met me. Real asshole, if you ask me. Fancypants always thought he was better than everyone else. But for some reason Iz liked him”, Ed grumbles reluctantly, because the night is already ruined and if they don't have this talk now, they'll be having it some other time, and it's never a good time to talk about fucking posh-ass Bellamy.

 "He mentioned a captain Sam once", Stede muses innocently, because he hadn’t lived through that fucking brownnose trying to steal his man.

 “Black Sam Bellamy”, Ed growls. “Do yourself a favor and never meet him.”

 “You sailed with Sam Bellamy?” Stede gasps in amazement and admiration, as if he himself hadn’t sailed with fucking Blackbeard which was infinitely more impressive. And because he hadn’t sat through all those fucking pretentious speeches with unnecessarily long words. And he hadn’t been macking on Stede's boyfriend.

 “For a while”, Ed groans. “We all served under Hornigold, me and Jack first, and later Izzy signed on with Bellamy.” May he die of cholera. “Never could figure out why Izzy thought he was hot shit. He was always so fucking pretentious, calls himself the prince of pirates these days, fucking asshole.”

 "Clearly Izzy thought you were - hotter... shit." Stede makes a face like he tasted the word as it came out.

 "I appreciate you trying but don't force yourself", Ed chuckles.

 "Are you sure I'm not too fancy?"

 "Nah, love, you're just right."

There's a moment of silence. Ed isn't sure if Stede wants to keep talking, or if he's trying to fall asleep. But now that Bellamy has been brought up, Ed feels restless, something is crawling under his skin.

 “I still don’t know if they were really together or just fucking”, Ed blurts out, and he doesn't know why he's lying. Maybe he's trying convince himself that he doesn't know they were serious enough for Bellamy to give Iz a ring, and for Iz to carry it with him for over two decades. Izzy will expose him if Stede ever asks. He’s just - feeling insecure, or something, now that Bellamy is present on both Iz's body and Stede's mind. This isn’t helping, by the way, it’s just making him more confused and guilty. Iz had been serious about Bellamy, until Ed stepped between that and ruined Izzy’s chance for a happy life for what amounted to a few years of passion, and then a lifetime of obsessive worship.

Though Ed’s sure no one would blame him for wanting Izzy. “Y'know, Iz was a real catch back then, just gorgeous. Think half the crew was after him at one point or another. I wanted him from the moment I first laid eyes on him”, Ed reminisces dreamily. Compact and sinewy and filled with spitfire attitude, like he had something to prove and he did prove it, time and again, showed he was a sailor through and through and a pirate even more than that. His skill with a sword had made Ed swoon even back then, and he’d only gotten better with time. “And he was fucking funny, when he cracked a joke the whole ship would shake with laughter!”

Stede gives him a disbelieving look. That’s understandable, current Izzy isn’t much of a jokester. Missy Izzy a bit more so, but barely noticeably.

 “So for a while he was seeing us both. It’s torture, you know. Only having a part of someone, like that. Was just about ready to start planning Bellamy’s murder, that final year, but then the mutiny happened, and Izzy came to his senses. Dumped Bellamy and became my first mate. You can imagine how pissed he was!” Ed laughed. It had been glorious. Bellamy losing his shit on deck when not only did Ed refuse him a position in the crew, but also stole his beau!

 "You should tell me more about your adventures from back then", Stede says, hand idly caressing Ed's side. It's tickling a bit.

 "Sometime, sure. Or you could ask Iz."

 "Would he tell me, do you think? I'm not sure we're close enough yet."

 "He will if I'm there, too", Ed says. He can picture the three of them getting cozy on the sofa, or in front of the fireplace, maybe with a bit of wine, Stede looking star-struck as Iz recounts tales about their reckless -

Ed is startled out of his reverie by the lack of jealousy in the image. Gets his head back on straight. "He's got his sore spots, though. Might be best not to ask about those."

 "Such as Sam Bellamy?"

 "Yeah", Ed mutters darkly. Is Sam fucking Bellamy gonna be a regular thing from now on? It's only been twenty five years, it's way too fucking soon to be talking about him this often.

 "...Do you suppose Izzy felt the same about me as you felt about Bellamy?" Stede asks quietly, self-conscious.

Having other people is your prerogative.

Ed stays quiet.

 "Dear?"

 "Bellamy's a sore spot for me, too."

Stede makes an apologetic noise and stops talking.

Having other people is your prerogative - in other words, I was fine with you fucking other people as long as I was your main squeeze.

Iz hadn't raised a stink about Jack. Because there had been no danger of Jack becoming the main squeeze instead of Iz. No one else, in all their years, had come nowhere near to toppling Iz off his throne, even after they stopped being intimate. For ten years, despite their strained relationship, Iz could feel confident about being the most important person in Ed's life.

Of course he had hated Stede.

The next two weeks are a steady stream of nails in Ed’s coffin. It seems like every day Izzy looks at Stede softer than the last, every day Stede is allowed a little closer, every day Izzy comes closer to smiling at Stede in the ways he used to smile at Ed and Bellamy. If you met them now, you never could’ve guessed they used to be at each other’s throats only months ago.

Ed knows the time is coming - even if Stede doesn't act any different with Ed, the shift is clear in how he treats Iz. Clear as day in his looks, his words, his smiles. Especially in his touches.

And then it happens. On a Thursday, when everyone is celebrating Wee John’s birthday, rum loosening everyone’s limbs and tongues, the night making some raucous and others mellow.

Izzy is one of the latter. He rarely drinks - it makes him absent-minded, calmer, nicer, makes him ruin his hard-ass image.

He only drinks rarely. So when he does, he gets drunk easily.

And when he got drunk, he would always come to Ed. He’d look relaxed, stumble his way over and then cuddle up next to him, like the cat who got the cream. He’d only ever allow himself to be like that with Ed. He’d only ever want intimacy from Ed. He’d only ever let himself be soft in Ed’s arms.

But because Iz - because he needs someone to worship, if there is no one worthy, then he’ll decide someone is worthy. He’ll pour all his efforts and attention on that person alone, will seek their approval and closeness, gives his love solely for that person, and if... and if that person decidedly rejects that worship, if they push against it with all their strength, and finally break free from their role as Izzy’s personal god, then he’ll choose a new god. And then it’ll be that other man he sinks down next to, that man whose shoulder who he will lay his head on, instead of yours.

And that will hurt worse than anything he ever did on purpose to hurt you.

Ed doesn't miss the way Stede smiles at Iz, notices him wrapping an arm around Iz's shoulder, sees them become lost in each other's touch.

Stede whispers something in Iz's ear, Iz nods tiredly, and Ed knows - this is the time. The moment has come. When life's constants break. The Sun will rise, Izzy will idolize you. The much more recent constant of Stede will love you. He’ll have self-doubts, he’ll panic about something meaningless, but in the end he will come back to you.

Until he sees how you’ve treated your supposed best friend and drive him to suicide. Then he will nurse that friend back to health and love him instead of you.

No one notices Ed excusing himself and slinking to the bed he soon won't be sharing with Stede. Draws all the blankets around himself tight as he can. Stops trying to hold in the tears.

For the first time ever, he wonders if this is how Bellamy felt when Ed waltzed into the picture - as Iz started spending more time with Ed, started looking more and more up to him, started neglecting Bellamy more and more. Did Bellamy also struggle between wanting to hold on and not wanting to cage Iz? Had he also truly loved Iz, in the same way Ed truly loves Stede? Loved enough to risk his life trying to win Izzy back, loves enough to let Stede make his own decision. If Bellamy, the fucking self-important ass-licker, also wailed alone wrapped up in the scent of the person he had just lost.

He hears the door creak quietly, and knows Stede has come in. He spares a thought to gathering himself, but it’s not something he wants to do right now, so he doesn’t. Something Izzy used to get on his case about.

Stede isn’t like that. Izzy can rest easy, knowing the things that need doing will be done.

There’s a soft touch to his back through theblankets, and an even softer “Dearest?” from Stede’s mouth. It only makes Ed cry harder.

He sits up, still cocooned in his blankets, only face visible, and even that just barely.

 “We should talk about Izzy.” Because he can’t take this anymore, he needs closure. He promises himself he’ll accept whatever answer Stede gives, won’t begrudge him for anything he decides to do.

The caught look in Stede's eyes tell Ed everything he needs to know.

 “I couldn’t help falling for him”, Stede says warily, but even then a small smile rises to his lips, and he looks so beautiful. It's the look of someone unable to contain their happiness, giddy about sharing their joy. “He’s much more complicated than I expected. At first I just wanted to help him, and it grew from there. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, but I wasn’t planning to do anything about it. He’s still hung up on you.”

And Stede kisses him. Gently. Affectionately. Playfully. And earnestly. In the exact same ways he’s always kissed Ed. Not at all like he’s letting Ed go.

It's kind of him to keep pretending, to let Ed lie to himself that he still has time, that his bliss with Stede doesn't have to end yet. It's that gentle heart of his at play again - readying him for a softer blow, preparing him for a slower goodbye, thinking Ed hasn't been seeing this coming for weeks.

As tempted as Ed is to fall for the lie, he doesn’t want to keep pretending, doesn’t want his heartache prolonged in false hopes, doesn’t want Stede settling for second best and habits when he has found someone more interesting.

 “Ed, dear, what is it?”

 “You should tell him”, Ed sobs, wiping the snot from his face, because he wants to change, doesn’t want to keep being possessive and hurtful, doesn’t want to steal anyone away anymore. “I won’t stand in your way. I’ll leave if you want me to.”

Stede grabs his arm in a panic, like Ed is about to walk out on him. “Heavens, no, why would I want you to leave?" he asks in genuine distress, and Ed draws him to a soft embrace to calm his nerves. He strokes Stede's back calmingly, his own tears near forgotten from the sudden turning of the tables.

Stede answers his caresses in kind, and continues to speak in a soft, dreamy voice, like he can't believe his luck. "Izzy is free to want whoever he wants, I’m not hurt by it. I understand him completely - you’re an incredible man, Ed, how could he not want you? How could I not want you?” There is nothing but honesty in his voice.

 “But you - you’re in love with Izzy now”, Ed says against Stede's shoulder, confused, overjoyed, but not understanding even a little bit. Still, he believes every single word.

 “A little bit, I suppose”, Stede says with a small chuckle. “And very much in love with you. I don’t expect that to change at any time.”

 “So you’re - you’re in love with both of us?”

Stede leans backwards out of Ed's embrace, only to take his hands and smile excitedly, cheeks dusting with a blush, like he’s thrilled to finally share a good secret,  and nods.

Is... is that allowed?

Oh. In some cases it is - there’s an example right under his nose. Lucius has most of the crew in his circle, one way or another, and none of them seem to mind.

But it’s also Lucius. He must be a special case. Even if Ed finds himself quickly warming up to the idea of having both Stede and Izzy, and more importantly to Stede having both Ed and Izzy, he's not really... sure. And - and Stede is a gentleman, surely he wouldn’t... But even he has feelings, nothing you can do about those.

Unfortunately.

 "You... you want to be with both of us?"

Stede blushes further, and his smile is so delighted. He’s shivering with emotion, so happy to finally speak about this, to reveal his feelings.

 “I would, very much, I’d like that. Would you like that?”

 "It's a bit of an unorthodox arrangement."

 "We're pirates, what's orthodox about us?"

God damn, if Stede isn't making all sorts of sense there. Ed's face flushes, imagining all sorts of scenarios. All three of them together. Sharing not only a table. And not just the sex stuff - Stede taking care of Izzy, looking at him with fondness, touching him casually - in retrospect, now that Ed imagines it doesn't have to mean being left behind... It warms him, excites him.

 "You’d be good for him. You've been good for him”, Ed encourages.

 “Thank you. I hope he thinks the same”, Stede smiles fondly, but then he turns more worried. “I’m really not sure he’d go for it, though. He’s very devoted.” Then he gets that self-conscious look on his face again, the one he makes when he’s about to put himself down. ”And I’m hardly his type, besides. I’m sure it’d make him uncomfortable to ask.”

 “Really seems to me like you’re very much his type”, Ed reassures him, gently lifting his chin to look him in the eye. “You’ve met him - you know Izzy doesn’t bother hiding his dislikes. But he keeps talking to you. He taught you knots. He leaned his head on your shoulder tonight.”

The worry and shame in Stede’s face melts into fondness again. “You are absolutely right, dear. But I just don’t know if he likes me enough to - break his vows, so to speak. He’s made it very clear he chooses one person and sticks to his choice no matter what. And he’s rather proud of it.”

Eh, if his experimenting with Lucius is anything to go by, Iz is already swallowing his pride on that front.

 “The heart wants what it wants, right? He’ll have a hard time resisting if we’re all fine with it. Or more than fine.”

Stede thinks thunderously, desperately wanting to confess his feelings, but worried about getting his heart trampled. They both know Izzy wouldn’t be nice about rejecting Stede, even if they’re getting along well these days. It’s just part of Izzy’s personality - making sure every blow hits the worst it possibly can, sometimes at his own expense.

 “All this uncertainty is tearing me apart “, Stede mourns, sinking back to Ed's arms for comfort. “Why can’t he make the first move like you?”

Ed kisses the top of his head. He’s sure Stede actually knows the answer, but sometimes it’s okay to state the obvious. “Because he’s even more terrified of rejection than you. You would ease his mind.”

 “You truly think so?”

 “Trust me. I’m kind of an expert on Izzy.” (youre really not tho)

Stede draws a deep breath, then clasps his hands together in a determined gesture, a shaky smile rising to his lips, still concerned about how it will go.  “Alright. I’ll do it.”

Ed kisses him. “Go get him, tiger.”

“Tomorrow. But I promise I’ll do it. I just need to - rehearse.”

Ed chuckles at his completely unnecessary fretting. “I can be your practice partner. Hit me with your best shots, Romeo.”

[ramblingguy54]

True Colors: An Emotionally Fantastic Serious Game Changer.

If we’re to look back at Reunion as Season 1′s dramatic pay off for Amphibia’s message of toxic friendships, as Anne & Sasha’s conflicting dynamic showed us, then True Colors is a colossal expansive note on this big theme of the series. True Colors makes Season 1′s finale look like a walk in the park for what angst goes down between our three main heroins in Season 2′s climatic resolution. Everything that can go wrong does go oh so painfully wrong for these three kids. Anne, to no one’s surprise, gets double crossed by Sasha leaving things between them a Hell of a lot more bitter than they were previously, as if that couldn’t already be topped when Sasha tried to kill the Plantars before. Anne has had enough of her lies and manipulation not being afraid to tell Sasha straight up how awful of a friend she’s been in general, even hitting her where it hurts most of all saying, “No, I’m done listening to you! I’m done trusting you! You’re a horrible person and I am done being FRIENDS with you!”, going so far as to get a shaken reaction out of Sasha dropping her brave face act, making this girl try to wipe away the frog family.

Right off the bat, True Colors makes it highly evident this isn’t just another story of stopping a bigger threat, but one hitting much closer to home, overall. Yes, King Andrias is certainly a dangerous villain, who makes his presence and intimidating nature known to the others by True Color’s final act, which despite this Amphibia isn’t entirely putting him at the forefront, rather focusing on a more intimate study of Anne, Sasha, and Marcy’s big emotional conflict. This finale knows exactly where to put its focus of importance on, so I love that instead of it being action packed we’re getting the spotlight shined on just how screwed up these three of a friendship have, in spite of Marcy claiming in The Dinner episode, “We’re supposed to be friends for life. We don’t split up!’ . Very ironic stuff right there, indeed.

True Colors’ most powerful strength it adds to Amphibia’s ongoing profound story about healthy friendships is the thorough deconstruction of these girls defined “ideal relationship” as people. Before Anne came to the world of Amphibia this kid was afraid to stand up for what she believed in, even knowing especially well that stealing the calamity box was morally questionable, but did it anyway. Sasha was super manipulative, abusive, and used her power to control people, like she did a lot of toward Anne in their lives. Marcy, while very smart, wasn’t the most competent physically, who soon grew into being more independent without needing to rely on Anne always having to be there for her. These three were changed immensely by the events of being thrust into this world of sentient amphibian creatures. Anne benefited morally most out out of all three in taking up the mantle of responsibility and ironing out her own issues. She’s become a much stronger person all around. 

This episode asks us an important question though in nutshell with, “Have Sasha & Marcy truly changed for the better?”, since Anne has reached a point in her arc feeling genuinely content with who she’s become and the bonds that have been made with the Plantar family shown most notably with Sprig Plantar. Hence the whole purpose behind the song, It’s No Big Deal, with Anne feeling proud for who she is, yet not noticing a bigger issue right underneath her nose. That previous episode was meant to bring Anne’s happiness up only to bring it all crashing down in a devastating display of new revelations in True Colors. Every dramatic emotional beat isn’t just earned. Each significant moment is completely knocked out of the park by terrific voice acting, beautiful animation, and music composition that gave me serious emotional goosebumps. True Colors did exactly as Not What He Seems accomplished for Gravity Falls in shaking up its own respective dramatic stakes just when you thought it couldn’t get any higher for these protagonists. Shit seriously hits the fan here.

Did it ever occur to you, Anne? Sasha? That one of you knew more, than she was letting on? That ONE of you might’ve gotten you stranded in Amphibia on purpose...?

The big bombshell twist of Marcy playing a part too in getting them into this whole debacle completely flips everything upside down. Sasha pushed Anne into taking the Calamity Box, yes, but if Marcy never sent that photo because of her desire to stay with them together forever, then they wouldn’t have been stranded in basically a world full of dangerous creatures and who knows what else. Easily my favorite part of the episode, considering it adds more nuance to a situation that defined Amphibia’s story. It wasn’t just one person’s fault at the end of the day. Sasha bullied Anne into taking the box, Anne didn’t put her foot down to make a stand for something morally questionable, and Marcy took advantage of them both to benefit her own selfish desires for supposedly a “happy ending” not involving them staying apart, due to her parents moving away for a new job. All three girls played an important part on why they got landed into Amphiba. It’s why Anne’s statement to King Andrias, “The three of us may have made some mistake, but you...You’re evil and I’m gonna stop you!”, holds such a real weight to it, as this story continues to solidify how genuinely fleshed out their dynamic is.

Marcy’s super desperate plea to be understood by Anne & Sasha when Andrias revealed her getting them thrown into Amphibia purposefully was hard to watch. On one hand, I felt for Marcy because she didn’t want real life circumstances to tear apart that close connection she had to Sasha & Anne. Sure, she could’ve just kept in touch with them over the phone or chatting online, too. However, Marcy had known them since very early childhood. When you’ve been so attached to someone it can be a devastating thing, depending on just how vulnerable you are emotionally, to start drifting apart. Marcy represents that embodiment of toxic need for togetherness and couldn’t bear to let a possibility, like moving away, throw a wrench into her happiness and friendship, as well.

Never mind Marcy wanting to stay permanently in a different reality, rather than face her’s, but it made this person feel like something more. It gave her a chance to feel truly special in being able to live out a fantasy dream of having such power and freedom that a kid, like herself, couldn’t have had. The freedom to know she is plenty capable of making it out there on her own without Anne having to watch this kid like a hawk. So, to have someone, or something, try taking it away from her terrified Marcy of facing a terrible truth. That she isn’t strong enough after all to live a life without Anne & Sasha by her side completely, where Marcy will never feel truly worthy enough to blossom into her own person. It’s why that line, “I just...didn’t want to be alone...”, carries such a deep pain to it all. Marcy just crumbles into pieces accepting her greatest weakness. As much as Marcy fumbled the ball big time, it’s so easy to empathize with her on the idea of feeling competent enough. Marcy never meant to hurt Anne or Sasha, but the sad crushing punchline is she very much did.

Speaking of which, Anne had every right to be upset and mad, obviously. Anne has been missing so many things from her life before everything went off the wall. Hopping Mall especially highlighted Anne’s emotional desire to give anything just to hear her mother’s singing again. This teenager has been really dealing with a lot of grief in general quite honestly. Anne got into a high stakes battle against Sasha to save new friends, who’d practically became like an adopted family, which left the poor girl traumatized and heartbroken over the end result. She thought finding Marcy would help compensate for it and eventually be able to mend those complications with Sasha to boot. It’s simply painful to see it all blow up in Anne’s face to know not only Sasha betrayed her trust yet again, but realizing Marcy also played a part of responsibility in getting them thrown here. Matt Braly really just decided to slap future trust issues onto Anne finding out Hop Pop, Sasha, and Marcy were all super dishonest in their intentions at one point or another. Damn, I feel so bad for her.

It makes their embracing hug back in Marcy At The Gates so much harder to watch. Anne was super glad to see her again. Anne had wondered what became of Marcy or even possibly started to think she could even be alive at all. Then come to find out later on Marcy having intentionally ripped her away from a normal life must’ve felt worse then what happened with Sasha. Anne, already done with all of Sasha’s bullshit, thought she could at least expect better from Marcy not letting her down, but that too wasn’t the case. Marcy is very much as flawed as Sasha in what she has done. To think, Anne wanted so badly to get back home, yet she’s staring the very person dead in the eye, who ripped her away from it to begin with. Marcy knew Sasha would talk Anne into taking the box from that thrift shop, even if she wasn’t completely certain it would successfully teleport them away. Regardless of whatever good intentions someone can have in why they did what they did, it still doesn’t absolve them of said mistake. Fact of the matter is, Marcy tragically made her own bed, by choosing to mess with forces she couldn’t begin to comprehend and now has to face consequences, in spite of her not deserving them.

What really got to me was when Marcy tried to spin around Anne’s personal growth and close friendship with the Plantars as all entirely thanks to her. When she said, “I gave you this! I gave you everything!”, I was like, “Nope, that couldn’t be any further from the truth.”, seeing everything that has culminated in Anne’s journey of bettering herself. Marcy didn’t give Anne anything, but a one way ticket to cutting the kid off from her family, presuming she’d be fine with this idea. It’s all kinds of messed up, however what it boils down to is Marcy undermining Anne’s independence and agency. Anne’s moral judgement in decision making was what allowed her to create this new life she made for herself in Amphibia. Anne’s honesty as a whole led her down a path of togetherness, while Marcy’s lying landed her in a result of not wanting to be alone, costing her so much.

“I don’t believe this. We were so focused on each other we couldn’t see what was right in front of us!”

True Colors excels at earning each of its emotional beats because they line up with character motivations down to the last letter. Anne doesn’t want to trust Sasha anymore because of their already rocky past, which leads to her helping King Andrias regain control of his kingdom. Sasha not keeping a lid on her temper, wanting to rule over Amphibia, and trying to reinforce that power dynamic with Anne & Marcy only made things worse for her image of a changed good friend. There wasn’t a chance in Hell Anne would hear Sasha’s reasoning after she flat out tried to take away her frog family, by attempting to use the Calamity Box a bit ago in the episode. Marcy wanted to believe there was a happily ever after in seeing this world traveling idea as their only chance for salvation as friends for life, but it turned out to be something much more sinister, when learning of Andrias’ backstory and his true scumbag nature. All three of their motivations come clashing together, blinding them from a much bigger danger. Something that effectively puts everyone at stake.

Amphibia’s Season 2 finale works so excellently, given it covers important dramatic elements it’s been stirring around since Season 1′s early rumblings. Amphibia is a story centered around people’s need for emotional connections. True Colors builds miraculously off what Reunion already did quite well in showing friendships can become rough and they are never easy to deal with. When you have to make a stand it can be a tough pill to swallow on the reality check of maybe this “good friend” of your’s isn’t as nice as you previously thought them to be. Anne having been hurt one too many times now by her former friend sends that message close to home, so much so even Sasha begins to question her morality as a human being. It poignantly encapsulates how this trio’s complex friendship is a serious growing issue needing to be reexamined, overall.

What if Anne’s right..? What if I am a horrible person...?

Something I absolutely love to pieces about True Colors, also a testament to Season 2′s darn good writing, is how much introspective we get from each character on what they’re feeling. We’ve seen plenty of Sasha’s vulnerability before in other episodes centered on her issues, but now we’re getting to the root of it. Sasha is really taking everything more to heart, little by little. Sasha’s understanding what kind of an effect she has on people, seeing the damage it has caused made evident by Percy and Braddock in Barrel’s Warhammer. Grime once told her, “Some dreams have a price and not everyone is willing to pay it.”, where she’s questioning that idealism every passing minute the invasion plan proceeds further into reaching success. Sasha isn’t sure what to do with herself anymore feeling aimless. Those previous episodes had a real impact on her priorities more than she cared to let on with Sasha’s typical tough girl act. This kid has let her guard down more, which scares and confuses Sasha. She’s always used to playing the role of protector it contradicts everything Sasha stands for when the roles are totally reversed because now Anne has made her feel the tremendous change in their growth as individuals.

Sasha’s lifestyle has been all about control that after somewhat learning to be more considerate to Anne & Marcy’s feelings she feels beyond conflicted about what truly matters to her. The most screwed up part of it all is Sasha didn’t want to fight anymore, taking up a pacifist approach after seeing what King Andrias had been hiding from everyone. It’s a fitting punishment for Sasha to try bringing Anne over to work together once more, but getting her pleas for companionship outright ignored. Anne was correct that Sasha had wasted all the chances to be reasonable. Boonchuy tried to hear out Sasha before at The Third Temple. One wanted to start things over again to iron out their serious issues, but the other was driven by bitterness, while only remorseful to a degree at best, of seeing their once weak friend become so independent, mature, and stronger that it drove her up wall. Sasha wanted to take away that “problem” being the Plantars, since in her eyes they’re the source of Anne’s strength, driving a wedge further between the two girls in their heated Reunion 2.0 battle.

True Colors demonstrates the horrific price of no trust, communication, nor teamwork from the three main girls that Andrias smoothly took advantage of, as if they were fiddles. 

“That’s the thing about friends isn’t it? The more you love them, the more it hurts when they go.”

King Andrias is quite literally what I wanted Lunaris to be, where DuckTales’ Season 2 finale didn’t impress me on doing. He’s a serious big baddie to the main cast, who follows through on his threats of violence to demonstrate his wide array of arsenal and power. Andrias doesn’t just emotionally manipulate characters, like poor Marcy, but utterly crush them without an ounce of remorse for his actions. When he dropped Sprig out that window after Anne willingly let him have the Calamity Box back I thought they were legit gonna kill this boy off. The way Anne’s flashback montage of her good times with Sprig were eerily shot really didn’t help either on that note. Anne’s Calamity power finally activating is easily up there among stuff, like Dewey risking his life for Della’s disappearance in Last Crash, where the cinematography is shot and animated brilliantly. You feel Anne’s blind raging sadness in every hit she landed on those robots and Andrias. If anyone didn’t believe Sprig was like a little brother to Anne, then I dunno how anyone couldn’t view their bond anymore as such after this hugely defining scene. Anne went bloodthirsty when she believed Sprig to be dead further evidenced when she hugged him in relief afterwards exclaiming, “Sprig!? You’re alive!? Oh, thank goodness...”, which cuts deep so damn much.

Anne was ready to fight every one of Andrias’ troops in that castle to the death, if need be. Before Sprig came back from falling, thanks to Marcy’s quick acting, to comfort Anne, her only goal was to slaughter every opponent in that throne room, along with making Andrias pay dearly for even daring to lay a single finger on anyone of the Plantars. I’m not gonna lie, this pivotal power up reminded me so much Gohan turning Super Saiyan 2 after Cell curb stomped Android 16 into pieces with a smirk on his face. Anne Boonchuy’s maddening outburst is a classic testament to the idea of, “Piss off the nicest person and they’ll make it their mission to instill the biggest kind of fear/terror into you.”. showing this kid at her most vulnerable mental state, yet. Sprig & Anne’s cathartic embrace really messed me up in reinforcing just how these two respect, love, and would go above any of their limitations to help the other out. Sprig’s “death” scene was a masterful bait by the writers into making us think someone was gonna die and it was gonna be a poor kid, no less.  

However, it was actually all just a bait and switch for the real, “Oh, shit. They really just did that”, moment with Marcy unexpectedly getting run through with Andrias’ gigantic sword. In a last ditch effort, Marcy wanted to atone for what she had a hand in getting them all into. Marcy was ironclad determined in making her own stand for what was right trying to save the people she endangered. Akin to what Sasha did in Reunion for saving Anne’s life, Marcy does the exact same here. Although, unfortunately this time, no one is here to protect Marcy from escaping death, like Grime catching Sasha from plummeting at Toad Tower. Marcy couldn’t react in time because she was so focused on helping her dear friends out. She wanted to prove to herself at least one time, “I’ve screwed up so much stuff with my friends. Maybe, just maybe. If I get my friends back home, it’ll prove I’m not an entirely crappy person for setting these events into motion.”. Marcy’s own deep seeded remorse is what saved Anne & the Plantars, while being the cause of her own untimely demise at Andrias’ hands.

This scene is what no doubt encouraged the warning sign for younger viewers Disney decided to make for them. It’s impressive how far Matt and his crew are willing to go for intense dramatic content. Andrias trying to crush Polly with his fist after destroying Frobo with casual ease, dropping Sprig out of the window from up sky high, and stabbing Marcy with his powerful sword displays his cold blooded brutality. Doesn’t matter who you are. If you get in the way of Andrias’ plans for multiverse domination, then he’ll throw anyone into their own grave, be it man, woman, or child. That’s the mark of a truly terrifying antagonist.

Andrias didn’t care who had to be hurt or manipulated to get back the box, so he could invade other worlds with Earth being his next prime target for invasion. Marcy’s fate is a horrifyingly poetic statement, since Sasha stated to Anne in a flashback from Marcy At The Gates, “One of these days, she’s gonna get herself killed.”, with True Colors tying back to this line in a disturbing manner. Something that sends chills down my spine is we get to see the full extent of how far Andrias shoved the sword through her body. We don’t just see the entry point of where it hit her, but it even zooms out to show the whole thing. Real talk, I got serious Avatar The Last Airbender vibes from this scene. Reminded me so much of Aang getting suddenly zapped with lightning by Azula when he tried to enter the Avatar state. Marcy didn’t want to be alone so badly she ended up inevitably dying alone trying to send Anne back home to their reality. One Hell of a way to close off Marcy’s last moments in Season 2, until her inevitable resurrection happens in Season 3 now that King Andrias has her in a tube tank that looks tied to his master.

True Colors ends on a deeply bittersweet cliffhanger leaving the fates of Sasha & Grime totally unknown if they’ll get away by the skin of their teeth, or get captured by Andrias’ soldiers and robots. Anne finally returned home with the Plantars, but at a deadly cost of leaving her other close friends behind in Amphibia. After all the isolation, heartbreak, and endurance she went through with her frog family Anne finds herself at a total loss for words. Once again, Anne is in a state of solitude of not knowing if her friends are really okay or not, mirroring the start of Season 1 when she landed into Amphibia’s world. It’s safe to say to say that, “Finally me and it’s no big deal.”, lyrics have aged terribly for Anne’s realization of finding her own identity came at the expense of getting separated from friends she’s known since kindergarten. Definitely see Anne becoming a lot more protective of the Plantars now more than ever after watching Marcy drop to the ground from being stabbed in front of her eyes.

Amphibia’s Season 2 finale is exactly how you capitalize on a winning story telling formula of dramatic writing, lovable characters with layered depth, and increasing the stakes of your story in an organic manner. True Colors is a finale that should be talked about for a long time to come, as it not only showed how worth the wait it was, but reinforces why Amphibia is a truly great series. It’s unafraid to take its characters to dark places in a way that feels totally earned.

Amphibia Season 2 is everything a sequel to a first film should be.

[ageofevermore]

Golden

summary → in which Harry doesn’t understand how he can possibly love such a small baby so painfully much. 

word count → 1.7k

note → this might require a few deep breaths because oh lord, i really laid the fluff down thick. 

add yourself to my taglist

When you and Harry had fallen pregnant it was unexpected. You had been talking about starting a family in the near future, but hadn't felt the need to fall in deep. You were aware of the problems you might face with natural conception, especially due to the stress of being employed by the entertainment industry, but just three days after your conversation, the both of you had gotten carried away in a moment of beautiful love.

You had been on birth control ever since your seventeenth birthday when your mother figured you might begin to explore your sexual desires. It was something she was quite open about, making it easier to tell her that you were seeing a green eyed wonder called, Harry.

It was just after a morning run through LA that you took a test. It was some cheap brand, an impulse buy after laying in bed worrying about your lack of protection weeks prior. You had been paranoid for days, your cycle abnormally long and lacking the usual symptoms of tension and muscle aches. Instead, you had full fledges cramps and headaches.

When the first test came back positive you almost fainted on the floor of your en-suite. Harry was just downstairs and heard the unusual commotion. You were usually light on your feet, a classically trained ballet dancer as a child. It was worrisome to find you doubled over on your hands and knees beside the tipped over nightstand. Harry had immediately rushed to your aid, collecting your frame in his hands and pressing soft kissing to your forehead until he could get your attention. Your eyes were dazed, hands balling into the fabric of his thick black jumper. You were completely beside yourself with joy.  

"What's a'matter, moppet?" He mumbled against your forehead, pulling your legs over his lap so her could bring you closer. He softly pried your hands away from his jumper, kissing your clenched knuckles fervently. "Scaring me, love. What's got you so worked up?"

The thought of the positive pregnancy test in your palm brought on a new wave of tears. The tip of your nose trembled as you broke into a wide grin, breaking down completely into Harry's chest with gleefully shocked giggled. Harry didn't waste a minute, wrapping his arms around your middle and pulling you closer to his chest. Your legs wrapped around him like a koala, but it only made this moment sweater for you. For now, you were the only one that knew about the growing baby making a home for itself inside of you. For years you had overlooked how special this moment would be.

"Pet." Harry cooed, bringing his fingers down your spine. The metal of his rings was cold when he lifted your shirt and tickled your back with scratches. "Gotta tell me what's got you so giddy."

Uncoordinatedly you smashed your lips against Harry's. Your teeth knocked against his harshly, but all you could manage was a smile that left his lips wet, "We're parents." Your whispered.

-

The end of your pregnancy was brutal, complete with unbearable braxton hicks and obscene swelling. You had been riddled with insomnia for weeks as well, and the throbbing in your fingers was brought on by the wedding band stuck between your knuckles that even elevation and heating pads couldn't help. Harry had done his absolute best to make you comfortable, but even his hour long foot rubs and 3am snack runs did little for you. None of that was relevant now, nor was the stitching holding your torn vagina together. Your baby, sweet Indie Anne Styles, was here. She was perfect, and she was finally before your eyes.

Her warm pink body was flush against your chest. Harry stood off to the side, tears blurring his vision as he took in the picture before him. His first true love was embracing their own little mini. He had no doubts that his little Indie was a product of the truest breed of young love. Indie, Harry wasn't so sure the big name fit her little body and button nose.

"Look at her, lovie." You sniffled, running your finger down her cheek. She had finally stopped wailing, settling into your warmth and letting herself fall asleep in your embrace. You were certain birth was tiring for babies, glad to see that your little love was resting up now and getting ready to experience the life you and Harry had shaped just for her. "She's perfect."

"Knew she would be, love." Harry came closer to the both of you, bending down to press a kiss to your sticky forehead. He loosely grabbed the newborns hand, chocking on a sob when she gripped his thumb. Her grip was tight for such a tiny human, and already Harry was sure he wouldn't be able to live every day with a heart so heavy with love.

Your husband was barely keeping himself together over your shoulder as he admired your daughter. You had gently coaxed a pacifier between her lips after watching her squirm, and the soft pink plastic only brought Harry a new wave of overwhelming love and protection. He never wanted anything to hurt his littlest love, his precious baby Indie.

"Thank you, pet." He cried into your crown, pressing gentle kissed to your hair and face at an uncomfortable angle. He didn't want to hurt you, but he needed to thank you for this moment. It was everything he had always dreamed of and so much more, "Thank you for her. Thank you."

-

It had taken Harry three weeks to call Indie her name, having a habit of referring to the newborn as 'his little angel'. You didn't mind the title, but hearing her name on the tip of his tongue made you weak. He had taken great to becoming a father, like you knew he would. You had never had any doubts about just how unconditionally Harry would love your little human. He was up with you during every feed, changing all the diapers until you were healed enough to bare standing at the change table for long stretches.

He bought only the best for his Indie too. Her nighttime routine was prepped with high end vegan moisturizers and ointments. Her diapers were made of organic, non toxic, vegan materials. He didn't care for prices, only quality. Harry was as relatively humble man. He never talked about wealth or thought it as anything valuable, but he also, despite what it seems, didn't splurge on high end products often. He had his limits and boundaries, but his money was used wisely and not thrown away on material. He refused to let Indie soak in a cheap diaper though, even when you assured him that most diapers were exceptionally made and there was no need to spend a few hundred dollars every month.

It didn't take long for Indie to form more defined features, one being her insanely bright blue eyes and thin strands of soft blonde hair. You weren't quite sure where your baby girl came from to be honest, seeing as your eyes weren't near the same shade of color as hers nor were Harry's. Her hair was ungodly as well. Almost like your favorite disney film, her locks were strikingly golden. It had only taken a month before you caught Harry above her crib, whispering a fond, "Good morning, golden girl."

Golden had been her name since that dewy spring morning. You couldn't see her as anything but, adoring the nickname Harry had brought upon the three of you. It was odd when you had family visiting and they would refer to your precious Golden as Indie.

It was just after two am when the shrill screams of your infant severed the sleep you and Harry were catching up on. His arm was thrown around your waist, and for a minute neither one of you moved. She was going through a growth spurt meaning the usually laid back baby you shared a house with was needy and desperate for her fathers attention and your satin milk. It was hard to give her what she wanted at times. You knew she was hungry, but she didn't want to leave Harry's arms.

That had happened just the other day. With the luck you were working on, you had forgotten to pack away another pre-made bottle. She was eating so frequently you hadn't had the need to pump, but that decision came back to bite you when she woke up from her nap hungry and only wanting her daddy. You both had eventually figured out a way to please her, but it had been frustrating and stressful on the three of you alike. It was safe to say you were always on top of bottles now.

When Harry finally did pull away from your warmth, he kissed your temple before feeling the room, not before you heard the last of his mutter, "I'm coming, Goldie."

You were sure your heart exploded in that moment. When you saw him again, this time with a squirmy baby impatiently suckling on the nipple of a pacifier, tears were gathering in your eyes. You smiled widely down at your little love, affectionately stroking her cheek. You settle her against your chest, wincing when she latches, but relaxing when her sucks become rhythmic and predictable.

In the darkness Harry couldn't make out your teary smile, instead just moving around the master and preparing another diaper for Goldie, having felt the wet one when he picked her up from the crib moments ago. He could hear you praising the baby for doing such a good job, promising that it was okay if she woke up every thirty minutes, but what caught him off guard was when you brushed your thumb over her cheek and whispered, "Look just as pretty as your Daddy, Goldie."

"Y'heard that, huh?" He stuttered. He knew you weren't too fond of the first few nicknames he had given Goldie, and he was almost fearful that you would reject his shortened version of Golden.

You rolled your eyes softly at his question, patting a patterned on your baby girl's diapered bottom as she nursed with sleepy eyes. "I think it's cute, fits her."

Harry smiled widely at the pair of you, the dim moonlight capturing the perfect moment in his memory. His love for you and Goldie somehow got deeper every day. He never wanted to leave this stripped down midnight moment. This perfectly golden moment.

[ireadingbooks]

Books I Read in April!

This month really flew by in no time... Bookwise, there have been quite some up and downs, but some of my favourites of the year so far as well!

Writers & Lovers by Lily King. This book follows Casey after she lost her beloved mum and is just coming out of a devastating love affair. While she is struggling to write her novel, make a living and figure herself out, she meets two men who offer her polar opposites. The conversation about authorship and writing as well as the topic surrounding the restaurant industry in this book was really well done and so interesting to read. I know some people were a bit more touched by the book than I was, but I still loved it!

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid. Evelyn Hugo, a famous actress of the 1960s, is finally willing to speak her truth and offers an unknown journalist, monique grant a once in a lifetime opportunity to write a novel about Evelyn's life, in which her seven husbands might not be the most interesting thing about her life. One of my favourite books of the month. Wow! I loved the insight into 1960s Hollywood, the queer representation and the writing style in general. Impeccable! I devoured this book in no time, it was hard putting it down and I was actually sad when it ended.

The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah. When the great dustbowl era hits texas, this book follows elsa martinelli torn between leaving her land behind to find a better future for her family in california. Another favourite of the month. My heart is still heavy when I think about Elsa and her family. This book has my whole heart and I enjoyed the description of motherly love and the importance of female friendship so so much. I can't wait to check out Kristin Hannah's other books!

The Bride Test by Helen Hoang. This is the second part of the 'Kiss Quotient' series and follows Khai and Esmee as they explore their opportunity to get to know each other. I have to say, it couldn't quite reach the level of the first book for me. I think I was a bit thrown off by the initial 'setting up two people to get married' story. That put aside, the book was really well done. Can't wait for Quans' book this year!!!

Fool Me Twice by Carrie Aarons. This one actually surprised me and I loved the dynamic between Henly and Lincoln, the two main characters, a lot. Unfortunately, I really thought the second part of the book was not as well done and I got annoyed with Henly's behaviour and treatment of others. Still enjoyed it!

Ember in the Heart by Samantha Young. This is a novella, and I enjoyed it, but it wasn't anything mind blowing.

Mein Leben basiert auf einer wahren Geschichte by Anne Freytag. This is a German book (one of the few I've ever read) and I enjoyed it so much! The road-trip made me miss Australia so much and I loved the dynamic. However, wasn't quite d'accord with the end.

The Hating Game by Sally Thorne. This book was really hyped, especially on BookTok, so I tiptoed around it for a while, but wow, wow, wow! So well done, so steamy and so heart-warming. I seriously couldn't stop smiling while reading. Easily one of my favourite romances ever!

The Mothers by Brit Bennet. After loving 'The Vanishing Half' so much, I had quite high expectations for this one. Sadly, they weren't fulfilled. For me, I feel like the narrative of the book always suggested something more mysterious happening, which didn't really happen at all. The writing however was as stunning as ever.

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. I know I'm going against the grain here, but I am so mad at this book and the hype it's getting. I do not, will never recommend reading this book and don't understand why people consider this their favourite book. Yes, there is no doubt the author can write, but why use it on such a story? It's a big no for me. If you do want to read it, please look up trigger warnings.

The Score by Elle Kennedy. As always, Elle Kennedy has the amazing ability to completely capture me with the off-campus series. What I particularly liked about this one was that the way Allie and Dean's relationship progressed was different than in your usual NA-romance.

The Flat Share by Beth O'Leary. This was a really cute romance and I'm pretty sure I would've enjoyed it more if Leon's pov was written in a 'standard' way - it threw me off at points. Still, cute and deals with much more serious things than I anticipated.

DNF: Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer. This book was more confusing than anything else to me. Maybe I'll give it another try sometime.

What were your favourites of the month?

[dreamcatcherfication]

The Queens of London Part 2 - Rolling in the Deep End

Part two of my “Queens of London” series. The more I write this, the more I feel like I’m writing a Spy AU. That’s not what I intended, but I guess it could work out. Anyway, I’m trying to get at least one fic out everyday for the time being. I feel like I have enough time and y’all deserve some content. (I can’t promise good content, but I try).

Writing Masterpost

Please send in prompts and asks, I’m happy to write for everyone (trust me, I’ve got plenty of time). Word Count: 2042

Prompts | More Prompts | The Trifecta of Prompts

Summary: When Katherine Howard received a strange invitation from a group of women known as “The Queens”, she had no idea what to think. The last thing she expected was to be thrown into the center of a dangerous conspiracy against some douchebag named Henry. But by now Kat’s learned that she really has no idea what to expect anymore.

Part 1 

The entire table sat in silence, the majority of the women staring at Kat. The teen had her eyes pointed downwards, too terrified to make eye contact with anyone else. The realization that she was in way over her head was sudden and jarring, and it made her sick to her stomach. Should have just stuck with the ramen, she kept chanting in her head. “So,” Boleyn awkwardly piped up. “You got anything for us Brandon?”

Kat felt immediately wrong when Anne called her that, so she spoke up, “Actually, you can just call me Kat,” before she could think of anything else. The queens looked a little taken aback by her young voice but they said nothing.

It was Cleves who nodded and explained, “Well you probably should know why we wanted you here tonight. We’re actually a little surprised you actually showed up, especially with how you never show your face in public. We had no idea you looked so,” she stumbled around for the right word, “young.”

Okay, that explains a lot, Kat thought. If none of them know what Katherine Brandon looks like, then they don’t know that I’m not her. That’s lucky. It was Aragon who spoke up next. Her voice was stern but her eyes didn’t hold any of the anger Kat was so used to seeing in adults. “You read the letter, so you must know what Henry’s been doing.”

Trying to keep a stutter out of her voice, Kat said, “Please remind me.”

The women all seemed vaguely confused, but they obliged. “Henry Tudor, one of the most well known politicians in London today,” Catherine Parr started. It struck Kat in that moment, of course it would be someone like Henry Tudor they were talking about, not some backstreet gang member Henry she’d been expecting. “He’s been screwing us all over with his puppeteering -”

“Ooh cool simile,” Anne said as she tilted her head towards Cathy.

“That’s not a simile,” Cathy deadpanned. She continued, “But Henry has been practically controlling the entirety of Parliament. He’s unlawfully put restrictions on Aragon’s company, he’s been making it absolute hell for Jane to do her charity work, and so much more. Not to mention his dabbling in the Black Market and the assassinations we suspect him of taking part in. We tend to stay away from all that, but I know the Black Market’s your specialty Kat. And we all have our personal beef with him.”

Nodding along, Kat hid her surprise at the mention to the Black Market. She was supposed to have connections to the Black Market? Oh, she was a lot deeper in than she thought. “That’s why we’re going to take him down.”

“What?” The word slipped out of Kat’s mouth before she could close it.

“He’s done some horrible things,” Jane spoke firmly, “and that’s unforgivable. He’s got everyone under his thumb. Unless we can get cold hard evidence to convict him, he’s always going to win. That’s why all of us need to work together. So Kat, are you in?”

Later, Kat would ask herself What was I meant to do? when Jane gave her that hopeful smile. She had always looked up to the woman, reading about her in free newspapers. To have her directly asking for help, Kat almost instantaneously said, “Of course!” The enthusiasm was a direct contrast to her actual nervousness, and the change was enough to offset the other women.

“Right,” spoke the woman with the slick ponytail. She shot a glance at Boleyn but the other woman only shrugged. “Well we’ve been devising a plan for a while, but it’s taken this long to assemble the whole team. Now that we’ve got you, Kat, we can finally get started.”

“Yes, I think it would be best if you went with Jane and Joan so they can give you a rundown of our previous meetings while the rest of us discuss our future plans,” Aragon stated offhandedly, giving a pointed glance to the millionaire. Jane stood up, followed by Joan and stuck out for Kat to take. Hesitantly, Kat slipped her hand into the woman’s grip and allowed herself to be led out of the room. As Joan closed the door behind them, Kat could almost feel the eyes of the seven remaining women on her back.

After the three girls left the room, the remaining seven were quiet. No one knew what to say after the awkward introduction they shared with Katherine Brandon. “Okay, it can’t just be who thinks she’s way too young, right?” Anne broke the silence, looking expectantly at the others.

Maggie nodded in agreement, elbowing Bessie in the side to get her to nod along. “Well looks can be deceiving,” Bessie shrugged and went back to tapping her fingers on the table.

Someone clicked their tongue, and everyone turned their attention to Anna. The designer was looking down at the table with a concentrated look on her face. “I can’t help but feel a little off about all this. Brandon’s supposed to be one of the most ruthless competitors in the Black Market, but Kat looks like she couldn’t hurt a fly.”

“It doesn’t matter how she looks, right now we have to trust her,” Cathy cut in. “If we’re going to take down Henry, we need everyone we can get. And that includes Kat.” Slowly, everyone mumbled out varying forms of agreement.

Maria shifted in her seat. “We’re going to have Jane watch her, aren’t we?”

“You make it sound like we’re stalking her,” Maggie retorted.

“But Maria is right,” Aragon sighed. “We need her, like Cathy said, but we can’t leave her alone. Not until she proves herself. Anytime she’s around one of us, we’ll have Jane there.”

“But we can’t stalk her?” Anne asked, toeing the line between disappointment and understanding.

“No, we won’t cross that line.”

There was a silent consensus amongst the group as they all settled back into their seats. They had faith that Jane and Joan would be able to get a good reading on Kat. After all, Jane was wonderful at getting someone’s true personality to shine, and Joan was perfect for analyzing that personality. It was what made them such a good duo.

The light squeeze of her hand reminded Kat who she was with. “Jane Seymour,” she couldn’t help but mutter in awe.

Jane had a nice smile, one she wasn’t afraid to flash in Kat’s direction. “Based on what the other queens told you during the meeting, I’m sure you already have a pretty good idea of what’s going on here.” Kat swallowed thickly and nodded, not taking her eyes off Jane. She was sure Joan was standing behind her, likely watching her every move, but Kat was transfixed. For so long, she had fantasized Jane Seymour looking up from her phone on early morning walks and smiling at her as she sang. And now, here she was, having a conversation with the woman. 

“Right, then let’s get into the specifics of it,” came Joan’s voice from behind Kat. The teen whipped around to face Joan, but the lady had already started circling Kat to stand next to Jane. They were an interesting duo in Kat’s eyes. The kind, charitable millionaire and the protective… assistant? Sister? Kat didn’t know how the two of them were related, and she made a mental note to look it up the next time she had a chance.

It was Jane who continued the conversation then. “We’re going to go undercover -”

“Like a spy?” Kat asked.

“Like a spy,” Jane replied giddily, “and get the evidence we need to get Henry sentenced to jail. He’s got this party in a few days time that we’re going to go to. We’ve been invited -”

“Under the pretense of keeping up appearances of course,” Joan cut in.

“To his party, and we’re going to use it as a cover to break into his secret rooms. There we’ll hopefully be able to find documents linking him to all his illegal activities. The drug deals, assassinations, anything that’ll get him arrested.”

Kat frowned and stared at the floor. “Then why do you need me?”

Joan smiled, the grin carrying the same energy as Jane’s. “You’re the most important part Brandon.” It didn’t escape her notice the way Kat cringed at the name. “No one knows your face. You’ll be able to disappear without anyone noticing to grab our evidence.”

Gulping, Kat tried to keep herself calm as she realized how much worse everything was getting for her. “Okay. Then what’s everyone else doing?”

“Joan and the other ladies,” Jane paused, then added, “Maria, Bessie, and Maggie,” for clarification. “They run the operation from here. They plan, tell us the latest updates, they’re our backup squad.” Kat nodded along, making mental notes to the best of her ability. “Aragon is a big name, everybody knows who she is, so she serves as our distraction. Get all the attention on herself, nobody notices you sneaking around. Anne does basically the same thing, except she also gets information from the partygoers. With how silly she asks, you’d be surprised how cunning she can be. Anna provides the looks for everyone so that we can blend in. It’s a high class party with rich, influential people, we need to look the part. And Cathy, ever the journalist, snoops around. She takes note of every little thing she sees and hears in case it could possibly come in handy. I’ve seen her carry four blank notebooks at a time in order to record everything.”

It was a lot of information Jane had willingly shared with Kat, and the teen did her best to take it all in. She repeated it in her mind in order not to forget what she had learned. “What about you?”

“Isn’t that one obvious?” Jane laughed lightly, “I’m the one with the invitations. Henry doesn’t like the other queens, but he won’t make a scene if I invite them all. He’s too prideful to tell me I can’t bring them.”

Joan furrowed her eyebrows and leaned forward, inspecting Kat. “It is quite lucky that you’re so small, you’ll slip right by.” Kat figured it wasn’t meant to be offensive, but she was suddenly self conscious about her size compared to all the other queens. How am I supposed to compete? She thought, when they’re all fully grown women and I’m an anxious, growth stunted teenager?

The two women didn’t seem to notice (or if they did, they made no comment) her internal turmoil. Jane patted Kat on the back and led her towards the door. Joan held the door open and gave a small, but genuine smile. “The meeting’s over already?” Kat asked in confusion. She felt as if she’d just arrived.

“These things tend to be pretty quick. Besides, we only called a meeting to get you informed. We’ll meet back here at the same time tomorrow night so you can get to know everyone and we can prepare for the party,” Jane explained. 

Stepping out the door, Kat turned around to face Jane and Joan who were both still inside the building. “I won’t tell anyone about this, I promise. And I’ll be back tomorrow.” After learning how much their plan hinged on her, Kat felt she had the duty to at least try and help them. For some reason, she had gotten the note to meet them, and if they were going to take down a crooked politician who apparently has a lot of beef with them… Kat was going to do her best to help. If that meant becoming some modern version of a spy, then so be it. (Secretly, Kat liked the idea of getting to be her own version of James Bond. She’d have to come up with a cool intro, like his.)

With one last glance, the two women inside the building shut the door and left Kat to make her way home in the dark night. Once the door was shut, Jane turned to Joan. “Did you get the same feeling I got?”

“And so much more,” Joan nodded. “We need to tell the others. They’re gonna want to know about this.”

[donneko]

One day, I’m good enough.

This is my first Short Story in English, so please be gentle. (But fair critics are welcome) After my brief thought on Jerry Baynard, I really wanted to make a little story out of it. Here we go...

Rien n'a jamais fait autant de mal ...

With the book of Frankenstein and the porcelain poodle at his feet, which lay in the dirt, the young Baynard stood in front of the bridge on which the otherwise charming Diana Barry left him standing. Jerry had lowered his eyes to the gifts he had given Diana. That's exactly how he felt. As if she lifted him up and now threw it back exactly where he belongs; in the dirt. It hurt so incredibly that he felt every breath burning in his throat as soon as she had turned her heel to stalk across the bridge. The tré charming girl left a tré blessé boy behind.

If Diana turned to Jerry only once, she would have seen that he was standing there petrified and not moving. It is like it is. She had broken his heart. You couldn't talk it over or appease it. His eyes on the floor, focused on his shabby gifts, he wiped his eyes with his arm. He wanted to keep those tears back that shone in his dark brown eyes, which tied up his throat. No, he didn't want to cry. He wanted to be strong, not let it get him down and not lose his value, as Anne might say - just with a flowerier choice of words. For a few breaths he could pull himself together until it overpowered him, his whole body trembled, that he could hardly breathe and so he gasped. And all of a sudden, he couldn't stop the warm tears that soaked his sleeves.

It wasn't like Jerry isn't used to being treated like dirt. Little frog, frog-eater, dirty Frenchman, street dog and what else came to mind for the honorable residents of Avonlea - so there was a whole list that was thrown against the young Baynard before he got his job on Green Gables, so fewer people enjoyed in humiliating him when he was on the street selling newspapers. He hated the city. Jerry has been pushed around for years and not just beaten twice, but four times. The first time for what he is; a little Frenchman with dirty clothes who hardly knew a word of English at the time. The second time because they weren't satisfied with his work. The third time because he was stupid and careless, so he got robbed. The fourth time because he wanted to stand up for someone he liked. Because he wanted to do something right, just once in his life. But none of this has ever hurt as much as this moment. Looking at his origins, it was actually only a matter of time before the rich upper-class girl dropped him, to face a better future he could never offer her. What was he thinking? What hopes had he ever had?

Living in Avonlea, for someone who had to learn the local language with difficulty, without having been to school and always working, was not uncommon to be insulted and treated in this way. They were a large family with three brothers and three sisters who live in a wooden cabin with only one room. Ordinary trappers and the lowest working class. He could never have anything of great value. But Diana knew all that. She knew how he lived and yet ... had she only played with him? Was he a fun pastime until he got too stupid for Diana or better doors opened for her? Was he the first boy she gave some hope? Or was he already the second or even third, who got lost in her fawn eyes and thought he had fallen head over heels in love?

He couldn't even blame Diana for leaving him here. What could the Farmboy of Green Gables ever offer her? Would she want to live in a house where everyone sleeps in one room? Hardly likely! Jerry had seen her aunt Josephine live. In this big house that looked like a palace. With a servant and the many rooms and all the pretty clothes, as well as the most expensive jewelry that could be imagined. It was an incredibly beautiful and carefree life where you never had to worry about not having enough food for the next day.

In the end, he was just the farm boy who is not good enough for a girl like Diana. There was nothing to shake about it. That's the reality. Jerry was a simple apple that could be found everywhere, on every tree in Avonlea, and Diana was a fruity, sweet-smelling, expensive orange, the taste of which he had only gotten once.

But could it be that simple? Couldn't it be that one day he's ... good enough? In his mind he heard the voice of Anne steadily, to knight him or giving him a map, so he can be a adventurer who travels the world because ... anything is possible. Maybe Anne was right. Maybe everything is possible! Carried by these words, his feet led him to a door of a young woman who gave him exactly that feeling when he looked into her brown eyes.

„Miss Stacy, forgive me for the disturbance, I ...“, as soon as the door to the small wooden hut opened, where he was knocking and stepping nervously from one foot to the other, this request for which he came for, was unspeakable. Oh sacrément, what was he thinking? Completely rushed, his eyes flushed with tears, he stood here and did not know where to start. „Um, Jerry, right? What a surprise. What brings you to me?“ A kind and so warm smile came from Miss Stacy's lips that the right words that came to his mind on the way here, got stuck in his throat. The smile on her lips persisted as the boy, who towered over her head, faced her at the entrance to her house. The young Farmboy at Green Gables had never met her before. Not so directly, not personally, and certainly not in front of her door in the early summer evening.

„I thought, well, I was wondering if maybe you could ... help me? I already learned something. Anne, she - she taught me to read and write. Well, I'm not really good at it, but I can do a little bit of that ...“ Jerry joked nervously, sliding more and more into the French accent, as he got unsecure. During his indistinct stammering, Jerry pulled the cap from his head out of courtesy, which was convenient for him now because he was kneading it in his hands. „You want to learn something? Go to school? That's excellent“, said Miss Stacy with joy, who in this case did not seem to really understand where the problem was. Whereby she had noticed the reddened eyes long ago, which gleamed suspiciously after shedding tears. „You can start right away next year. Together with the rest of the class“, Miss Stacy offered for the next school year, whereupon the initial smile faded from Jerry, who became more aware of his situation. „No, I can not do that … I-I have to work, Miss Stacy ... Pardon, I shouldn't have asked, that was stupid of me ...“, Jerry stammered back, as he did so often when he thought he was wrong. „Oh, of course, I understand. Then in the evening, after work“, she promptly said to bring Jerry, who had already put on the cap, to flee from the unpleasant situation back into the conversation.

The way he stood in front of her door, barely able to lift his head, to look the young woman in the eye, as he stuttered with nervousness, made an extremely pitiful and sad impression on Jerry. She hadn't seen him often - but she hadn't remembered the French boy so depressed.

„Merci, Miss Stacy. I don't have much, but I ...“,  with another deep breath, Jerry pulled out a bag that was already telling treacherously. It didn't sound like much, but it sounded like it was all he had. Miss Stacy shook her head immediately as soon as she took the hand with the purse in her hands to push it away. „That is not necessary“, she said with a loving smile, as well as her brown eyes looked at the boy. „You come over whenever you have time, and then we'll see. I'm more than happy to be able to help you, Jerry.“ With that admonishing look that raised her eyebrows, she indicated that he should put the hard-earned coins back in.

„Merci beaucoup. I don't know how I should ever thank you for that“, a relieved smile flitted across the sad face. For Miss Stacy, however, it goes without saying, for which he would never have to thank her. Especially not with his hard earned money.

[mexcine]

Devils of Darkness (1965) review: unwilling to let Hammer monopolise the vampire-film genre, Planet Film Productions (which also had a distribution branch that released films made by other companies) made this reasonably-accurate (albeit contemporary-set) pastiche, although it's more of a Satanic-cult movie than a traditional vampire picture.  Also tossed in is some xenophobia and a few gratuitous jabs at "avant-garde" society.  

       Devils of Darkness was directed by the prolific Lance Comfort (and may have been his last film, as he died in 1966) and scripted by critic and radio interviewer Lyn Fairhurst (one of 3 Comfort pictures he wrote).  It's not especially stylish, but the production values are adequate.  There isn't much in the way of special effects, save for some crumbling ceilings and walls in the subterranean climax and a weak vampire disintegration scene at the end.

        Writer Paul Baxter (William Sylvester, an American who had a decent career in UK cinema in the Fifties and Sixties before returning to the USA) is on holiday in a small French village.  In a mildly surprising touch that’s reminiscent of Psycho and City of the Dead (Horror Hotel), Paul has a hint of a romance with fellow tourist Anne, only to have her turn up drowned; coincidentally (or IS it?), her brother and a friend were killed while spelunking in the region.  Paul picks up a small golden medallion (a bat and a snake), unaware this was dropped by aptly-named vampire Count Sinistre (Hubert Noël) when he carried off Anne.  Paul is suspicious and has the bodies of Anne and her brother shipped off to England (because the British authorities are clearly more competent than those Frenchies).  But the long arm of Sinistre arranges (somehow) to have the coffins stolen when they arrive.  Baxter returns to the UK with a bee in his bonnet; Sinistre and his long-time partner Tania also relocate to England.

      Long story short, Baxter meets model Karen (Tracy Reed) at an outré party (full of pseudo-beatniks or perhaps early hippies; a second, similar party occurs later, this time graced by the presence of an exotic dancer with a snake, plus drinking and dope smoking) thrown by his friend Madeleine, an antiques' dealer.  He falls in love with Karen, but she soon vanishes, having been hired by Sinistre to pose for a portrait (and unwittingly audition for the role of "new vampire wife").  Karen is nearly inducted into Sinistre's cult but a literal deus-ex-machina (a lightning bolt strikes a statue of a horned goat, aka Satan, despite the statue being located underground) disrupts the ceremony.  Sinistre is fried by the sight of a cemetery cross and sunlight, and Paul and Karen stroll away.

        The depiction of the British members of Sinistre's cult is hardly subtle (at least his French followers are more or less run of the mill French villagers): they're grotesque in appearance and behaviour, similar to what one might see (albeit with less of a comic slant) in pop culture images of pretentious "arty" types, including bearded men, mannish women, drunken & lecherous middle-aged stereotyped “colonels,” and other eccentrics.  Madeleine is revealed to be one of Sinistre's hench-persons: this was intended to be a surprise--and in fact she doesn't behave especially suspiciously for most of the film--but audiences who saw the British quad poster for Devils of Darkness already knew she was bad, since the poster features an image from the final ceremony and Madeleine is clearly visible.  

     As noted above, Devils of Darkness treads a middle ground between vampirism and Satanism.  Count Sinistre is a vampire: he's got the cape and everything (also, he bites people on the neck).  But it's not clear (and certainly never shown) that he can turn into a bat (he does, however, cast no reflection in one scene), and it's questionable as to whether his victims (like Tania) are vampires or just immortal.  In one rather effective scene, the "dead" Anne wakes up in her coffin and begs Sinistre to let her join his cult, but he cruelly has her dragged away and then (off-screen) sets her on fire! 

     However, for much of the film Sinistre's vampiric nature is irrelevant: he behaves more or less like a run-of-the-mill Satanic cult leader, invoking his master Satan in ceremonies, leading a (small) bunch of red-robed acolytes, and--for reasons never clearly explained--doggedly trying to recover his lost golden bat medallion (which Paul manages to hide for the longest time, then hands it over to the police and nothing more is mentioned of it, and it plays no role in the film's denouement).  A rare book entitled "Talismans" is stolen from the British Library by Tania, and a good thing too: it contains a chapter on Count Sinistre, complete with a fairly good likeness of the vampire.  This is helpfully shown to the audience in a ridiculous scene: Tania puts the book on a coffin and walks away, at which point the book (all by itself!) flips open to the exact page needed.  Later, Tania burns most of the book but--luckily!--the page about Sinistre is spared and she later jealously gives it to Paul, providing valuable information. 

     Devils of Darkness is rather over-plotted, with a fair number of extraneous sequences (a pointless scene in an animal laboratory, the 2 aforementioned "wild parties"), a tedious diversion into a melodramatic love triangle (Sinistre, Tania, Karen), and some extremely large leaps across plot holes.  There is little in the way of atmosphere or suspense.  Tracy Reed, as Karen, is quite attractive; she’s introduced as a strange, aloof and eccentric character, but for most of the rest of the film she's under Sinistre's spell and walks around in a literal trance.  William Sylvester--who would encounter vampires again in The Hand of Night (Beast of Morocco)--is a stolid but mostly inept and reactive hero.  Hubert Noël, whose career was almost entirely spent doing French films, is adequate: he's good at being snide, smirking, abusing Tania, and gazing fondly at Karen, but his vampire shtick is weak.  His Count Sinistre is a far cry from Count Dracula.

       Not boring but certainly no unsung classic.

        [Trivia note: at least 4 members of the Devils of Darkness cast would also appear in Kubrick films: Diana Decker and Marianne Stone (Lolita), Tracy Reed (Dr. Strangelove), and William Sylvester (2001: A Space Odyssey).]

[thewhumpstuff]

You and I, Me and You [14]

@badthingshappenbingo​ [Original characters and content for ‘Burns’]

[TW: Non/Dub-Con, NSFW, cigarettes and scalpels, psychological manipulation. Vivianne (Vivi-Anne/a) presents with a constellation of personality traits and identity-defining choices/compulsions that are unique to her and this world. (Attributed to her past and involving experiments with sci-fi drugs) She does NOT represent any disorders or conditions] [Teaser and Master List] [Archives of our Own] (On their turf: Chapter 5)

[<– Previous] ~ [Next –>]

Scalpels and Cigarettes. 

The hospital bed was flush against a corner. Akira’s left leg—the one that was shot—was grateful for the extra support and protection the wall provided. About a foot above her shin, the windowsill began. It overlooked the driveway. Vivi had cracked it open, to allow the smoke that curled from her cigarette to escape… and perhaps to hear the processions below. She could not make out the words, but the wind carried sounds sometimes and Vivi was grateful.

Aki had flexed her good leg to let Vivi find her perch. She’d been watching the processions with rapt fascination as she stitched. “It looks bad. I’ve never seen Tariq like this.” She ducked to finish the final knot. “All done! Gotta say, I didn’t think you’d be so still… Well done.” Vivi rested her hand on Akira’s good knee casually and patted.

Akira had dipped in and out of consciousness as Alcyone guided a distracted Vivi to perform stitches. Akira’s bullet gouge was going to scar. The stitches were uneven. Some knots were too tight, others not tight enough. Anne—Anna, part of Vivianne was decidedly better at medical procedures.

This archaic process of stitching wounds itself had been abandoned though. Technology and advancements in the field of biology had made so many alternatives readily available. Akira was nothing more than a fascinating test subject to be toyed with. Alcyone hummed as they walked by and idly squirted some of the shealing (sealing-healing) gel onto the surface in a miserly manner… Like an afterthought. They walked away briskly. “Oh boy. This is not looking good.” Vivi’s emphatic word contradicted the lascivious intrigue painted on her face. She spoke at Akira, speaking to her was not really an option, since she was still rather pain addled.

Akira’s breathing was uneven. She had received serum to aid with the wound healing process, but barely anything to help with her pain. This was a reminder, that on some level, she was considered disposable. She had not earned her right to comfort. She wondered if Alcyone and the others had just wanted her to die in the bus. They must hate me for stubbornly living on then. If fate had given her a chance, maybe they decided to as well? The administration of the gel made things a little better.

“He’s got Jared pinned under his boot.” Vivi twittered. She had folded her legs and was bobbing with excitement. It was no secret that Vivianne enjoyed her share of raw violence. Akira stirred and opened her eyes a crack at the mention of Jared. No one had bothered to dress Akira up again. She was in her solid black underclothes, with a flimsy sheet that Alcyone had thrown clumsily onto her, they were around but interrupted nothing. “Jared?” Akira wanted to know more, she tried to sit up. Vivi put her foot against Akira’s shoulder and pushed her back down. Aki had no strength to resist and fell back against her pillow. Vivi’s gaze hardened when she heard the way Akira inquired about the man. The information Ezekiel shared may be accurate after all. Vivi wanted it not to be.

“You know… You must be in a lot of pain… I’m going to help…” Vivi took her promise seriously and worked on braiding her bubble-gum pink hair, it was blonde at the roots. Something about the scene outside kept drawing her away. So, as she fixed her sleek tresses, she peeked outside again. She winced. “I don’t like having only one leg to work with…” Vivi muttered absently as she made idle circles on Akira’s ankle, then began her slow ascent upwards, sliding her hand under the sheet, tracing patterns against the inner thigh. Akira stirred. She groaned and stilled again. Something was tickling her, it felt nice, but also uncomfortable. She flattened her leg against the bed and kicked Vivi gently in the process. Vivi grabbed Akira’s ankle.

“Now see, that’s not very nice- Fuck.” She let something distract her again, something that was happening beneath them. She watched as Jared stood up to face the baton flourishing men. “Tariq is playing a dangerous game. I don’t think he should be making the call to mess Jared up...” Aki blinked her eyes open this time and licked her lips. Her thoughts came to her slow, they were scattered and bleary, but they were there. She connected the dots of what Vivi’s words. Mess him up?

“Aww.” Vivi cooed as she noticed the flick of Akira’s tongue and assumed it to be a come-hither cue. Akira recognized that look on Vivi’s face, the one that emphasized her desire, and, in the moment, she decided to use it. “Pull me up… I want to feel closer to you.” Akira could be an excellent liar when she wanted and right now, she needed help so she could peek out of the window herself. Vivi looked around sheepishly, then readily obliged. Wedging herself between Akira’s legs, she hoisted her up and set her leaning against the window. She stole a soft kiss for her troubles. Akira did not pout. She did not lean into the kiss and did not return it. Vivi’s eyes narrowed as she pulled away, her fingers tenderly climbed the ladder of scars she had left against Akira’s ribs… The cuts she had willingly accepted. She did not accept the kiss like that today. Vivi was more perceptive than people gave her credit for. She could see that there was some attachment between Akira and Jared. The way her breath hitched ever so slightly with each blow he endured.

Akira hadn’t even realised that Vivi’s fingers were tugging at the waistband of her panties. Her mind was trained on what she had heard, and her heart was in her throat. Akira could now glimpse at the act through the corner of her eyes. It was more than enough, especially if supplemented with Vivi’s commentary. They’re going to kill him. She tried to hold her breath, it felt like the easiest way to steady it. Akira’s eyes were glassy, unfocused and clear, till she closed them again.

Vivi could see the tears that never fell. She shook her head and pulled her fingers off the elastic. She resorted to using her scalpel to make a dangerous slit in the fabric that covered Akira, instead. The cold metal teased the exposed flesh carefully, and fingers quickly replaced it. “You know endorphins and aphrodisiacs are natural analgesics.” Akira looked at her vacantly and her body stiffened. Vivi teased Akira’s folds with expertise. After all, this was not the first time they were doing this. “Controlled pain and fear with sex equals Painkiller. So… I’m just trying to help.” She took another puff of smoke and blew it against Akira. As she re-emerged from the plume and the smoke dissipated, Vivi searched the outline of the slender neck, for the faint scar of that cigarette burn. She pulled her fingers out and pulled the blanket off Akira. Vivi held the scalpel in one hand and the other held the cigarette.

“You know, Nova told Eze some things about a certain man… and cigarettes… and you…” Akira didn’t respond. So, this is theme of my life. Everyone knows everything, but me. Everyone around her, seemed to have it all figured out. And she was the last one to find out that her cover may be blown. “Now, you know I am very jealous when others mark you, right? I’ll forgive it, because it was before my time…” The scalpel rested against the old burn scar. Vivi made a soft cut into it. Marring the mark and the memory. She kissed the cut sloppily. They locked eyes and Akira glared, but she could not fight, not in this state. Vivi ran the handle of the scalpel against the slit in the solid black panties again, using the tool to widen the tear, the fabric split with an agonizingly slow ripping sound.

“You had poor Tariq like a puppy on a leash… You had me too. You led us on, but you always wanted him, right?” She ran the glowing tip of the cigarette across Akira’s inner thigh. Akira’s lips trembled, she inhaled quietly and deeply. She held her breath again. She was not going to give Vivi the satisfaction of seeing any reactions. The scalpel warmed, nestled inside Akira. It certainly was not satisfying. It was not meant to be. Vivi pulled it out and pressed the sharp end into Akira’s cheekbone, forcing her to turn towards the window and watch, or sport a rather deep cut. Akira let the gash cry blood defiantly. Reluctantly she eventually turned.

Jared had fallen to his knees again. Distant grunts were occasionally loud enough to be heard. Akira clenched her eyes shut. Her jaw was set. She shook, frustrated and angry. Vivi placed the scalpel against Akira’s crinkled eyelids. “Open your eyes, or I won’t hesitate to take your sight forever. No Tariq to save you this time, he is busy… you see. Well, you don’t, but you should.” Akira opened her eyes and instantly found them squinting towards the blade in front of them. She shuddered again. Vivi took another puff and ran it higher up Akira’s thigh and let the scalpel’s handle bury itself once more. Akira did respond to fear... Among other things. The steel tool collected the evidence. She held the glistening handle in front of Akira. Jared had fallen to the ground.

“Can you tell me with certainty, what’s arousing you, Kira?” Another puff, another streak of the cigarette across her flesh. Much like Vivi’s climbing fingers, the cigarette certainly had a final destination. Just the idea made Akira want to throw up. They both noticed Ezekiel and his voice rang loud enough for them to know where Jared was headed, especially when he mentioned Alcyone.

Vivi was contemplating something. She set the scalpel aside and continued her puffing and streaking, erratically now. Akira’s inner thigh sported a mesh of ash. “You’re not going to get to remember this as some valiant sufferer, Kira. You do not get to play hero.” She threw her arms around Akira and whispered softly in her ear. “No, I’m going to ruin you. When they haul Jared in here, you best wish he isn’t conscious…” Vivi was cruel when she wanted to be. And she truly was a sniper. She really knew which shot to take, to make this truly hurt. Unfortunately for Akira, Vivi also had a lot of experience with women. Now that Aki’s arousal had betrayed her. All Vivi had to do, was push her over the edge. Almost with clinical precision, Vivi’s fingers pinched and pulled, teased and taunted… fluttered and fucked.

Akira tensed, she remained as still as a statue and hated the fact that not rolling her hips… took effort. As Vivi promised, when the men dragged Jared into the hospital wing, Akira was silently and unwillingly experiencing the throes of several small deaths. She absently recognized the bloody and bruised body that disappeared behind the partition. He was out cold. She did not like the flood of relief that washed over her, amidst other sensations. She collapsed against Vivi. Tears rolled down Aki’s cheek in thick rivulets. Vivi lapped at them and kissed Akira’s cheek. She pulled away and beamed up at Akira, as if nothing had happened and held the cigarette against the torn fabric till it charred.

She let it teeter there for a bit, but Akira did not respond with fear anymore, she did not respond at all. A bored, Vivi pressed the stub into the crease of Akira’s thigh. “I’d say we’re even now.” Aki drew a ragged breath, the burn of hatred, felt so much worse than the final stab of the cigarette. Hatred, towards Vivi, towards Ezekiel… towards the whole world. But mostly, towards herself.

A few BioHackers streamed in to work on the unconscious man. Her eyes darted towards the shadows they made on the screen between her bed and Jared’s. Ezekiel walked in soon after. “Alcy, I need everybody fixed up soon. Use whatever you need to use. Do whatever you need to do. I’ll send Nova to help.” Alcyone didn’t acknowledge Ezekiel words as they busied themselves with Jared. The ruby-eyed man knew his request was heard and that was enough. Actions were following his words. A cursory glance around the room allowed the blonde to spot the girls. “Vivi… Anna. Kira.” He acknowledged politely. Before turning on his heel to leave.

[Category - 1/2]

[noblehigh]

THE LAST OF US  /  THE LAST OF US II VERSE.

                 ENDURE & SURVIVE..

[ last of us part I set ]:  he’s stubborn, set in his ways -- set in what he  believes. joining a cause, especially after an epidemic like this, just doesn’t seem  sensible.  true, there are strength in numbers and others having your back, but how is he to believe that those people actually  will  have his back? the difference between himself and his sister ( @missedlcve​ )? she believes in people, in the goodness of them. he doesn’t. still, he finds himself joining her when she decides to join the fireflies ( along with his six year old son ) because it’s better than the alternative. -- the alternative being stuck in the quarantine zones with soldiers who gun their people down on the streets, as well as trying to scrape along for food and ration cards. it’s not just him that he has to think about.. it’s his boy.

they settle into the movement, and it doesn’t take long for him to move up the ranks as a soldier. ( another difference between him and his sister: he damn near craves violence at times. or, at least, he isn’t scared of it. )  here, his son is safe and looked after, and within an ear shot of medical assistance if he needs it. they have food, water, and, by the looks of it, people who actually care. though, he isn’t entirely sold on that bit. it’s when word of an actual cure comes that shit begins to stir. moral seems to be thrown out the window, and everyone is fighting against their better judgement. anne confides in him, tells him everything that’s going on, explains to him the repercussions of actually maintaining the cure. 

no. no, he can’t condone that. because he has a son, and if something like that were to fall into his lap--  “we should at least ask her what she wants, she’s a kid!” but it’s one life for the sake of the many, and while anne is someone who always looks at the big picture, even she knows it’s wrong in a way. but that doesn’t mean she’s going to stop it (  something that will haunt her forever, had the deed been carried out  ). this puts a bit of a riff between brian and his relationship with everyone. he was acquainted with abby, he’d consider them friends -- it’s not like they didn’t know each other, but he was more acquainted with owen given their similar ranks. 

when ellie actually arrives at the hospital, when he gets word that she’s been sedated, that the procedure is moving forward-- it’s the first straw. but when he hears the gunshots, and word gets back that there’s an intruder, the smuggler that brought her here, and that he’s taking them out one by one -- that’s the final straw. he finds his way to the daycare, takes his son. he doesn’t have the time to tell anne that he’s leaving ( though he later gets in touch with her to let her know where he’s gone ). he doesn’t fight alongside the fireflies in their final stand. instead, he runs. he runs as far as he can. 

[ the last of us part II set ]:  he can’t count the months or years or however long it is that he’s on the road with just him and his son before he runs into a man named tommy. but this man, he somehow seems honest, and they connect in their past history with the fireflies. by now brian is desperate ; desperate for a place to lay his son’s head, to give him food and shelter, and when tommy mentions jackson... he goes. he knows ( and hopes ) if need be that he can carry his own, he can protect them and get out of this situation just like he did at the shit show at the hospital. 

when he arrives, what he doesn’t expect to see is the man who brought down the entire operation he used to be a part of. and the girl. he never says anything to joel, and tommy somehow keeps his secret that he was ever part of the fireflies. brian learns to respect joel, and he understands him, which is why the thought of joel finding out he was at that hospital actually scares him. which is something that’s been proven hard to do even before the world ended. he grows a fondness for everyone around town, but especially ellie ; in ways, he can see himself in her. the recklessness, the drive. by the end of it all, he might go as far as to call this place home, and these people  family.

still, he can’t help but miss his old friends, family. anne, abby, owen -- all of them. but he fears if he shows his face at the wrong time, especially since they’ve found out where he’s been living  ( the place they’ve sought after for so long ), that, just like his sister, he’d be on thin ice.

[storywriting]

Anemone, An Enemy, Anemone, An Enemy Anemone, Anne, Nemo, and Another Me

[ So.......Anemone huh? Here’s some loose thoughts after a first viewing, including my takes of H1-Evo #1 and how my opinion has evolved now that this film is in the mix. I’ve seen it through with the JP audio exactly one time and I do wonder if my opinion on this film will change at all on a second viewing or when I get around to the dub. It’s less about plot details and more about review  and general discussion type stuff, doesn’t delve heavy into theorizing just yet. That’s a trip for a different post. Cut because long as fuck even though literally nobody asked. ]

Hi Evolution #1, starring our main man Renton “Only a Miniscule Few Braincells Above Himbo” Thurston, hit me in weird ways which I think is true for most everybody I’ve seen talking about it. Part of my problem with it honestly was that I came into things with the misconception that Hi-Evolution would be a reboot of sorts. A somewhat faithful retelling of the original story with new insight into things we didn’t get to see much of. I don’t know why this is the impression I had other than screencaps and stuff, but if you only watch the first Hi Evo movie you definitely could continue to think that once it’s over. When I thought it would be an encapsulation of the original series, I had intended to use the film to introduce @himbologythestudyofhimbo to the story. She has long known it to be one one of my most favorite anime franchises and I thought a film would be a good way to gauge whether she might find it interesting enough to hit 50 episodes with me.

Ha. Haha. That didn’t work.

I hadn’t seen Hi-Evo when I was like “hey wanna watch this?” so that’s my own fault. I had seen screenshots and thought it looked gorgeous, but that was about it. I was imagining something akin to the Berserk trilogy of movies, mostly faithful to the original story with some new tidbits of information thrown in for old fans.

And again, you could be forgiven for seeing the first Hi-Evo movie and still thinking that’s what you’re in for. It is mostly compliant to the original canon and the parts that aren’t compliant are pretty wishy washy about saying so. Unfortunately what I found out really quickly is that that it’s not at all a good entry point for new fans, and that really disappointed me. I’ve been hoping for years for something to get more young blood in this fandom, BUT ANYWAY--

The whole play forward/play back thing really hinders the flow of the film, as much as I understand the point of it, especially with the Anemone film for more context. Skipping around the timeline harms new viewers in particular. It’s challenging to understand the timeline and flow of events because everything is presented out of order and without context. Sure, the first Hi-Evolution covers a ton of major story beats surrounding Renton’s personal development, but the non-chronological presentation coupled with the utter lack of lead up to key moments from the original series robs this movie of carrying any emotional weight. Who is Renton? What’s the deal with him and wheelchair girl? Are these people his parents or not? Why do we care about this Eureka girl who has been on screen in Renton’s presence for a cumulative 30 seconds. Wait a minute what’s this ship? Where did he leave from again? I thought he had a home and parents? Who are these people and why do I care?

Put bluntly this movie sucks if you can’t answer these questions going in, and even if you can you may feel a bit cheated by it.  As much as I feel the need to talk about how the film is inaccessible for new fans, these films clearly are not for new fans. They function to remind you of events of the original story and then play off of those events with the new content. Even as an established fan, Hi-Evo #1 feels very watered down on its own, but it’s not on its own anymore is it? So let’s finally talk about Anemone.

What becomes clear about these movies is that they are not divided by chronology, but by character. The first movie was about Renton which is why we saw so so little of everybody else even when that robbed the story of needed context and worked to the story’s detriment.  I’m telling myself the reason titular character Eureka was not on screen demonstrating her relationship to the world and to Renton despite it most likely being a central element is because they shoved her scenes into Hi-Evolution 3: Eureka, which will not be released for another year or so. 

I do feel a bit more forgiving toward these movies now that I understand the format they’re going for, but I think most of my previous criticisms still stand despite that.  The character focused presentation may be a deliberate creative decision, but that doesn’t make it an ideal storytelling mechanism. THAT SAID, while a character centric format really harms well developed characters like Renton, it does loads and loads of good for a character like Anemone whose screen time was always hindered by her role as accessory to Renton and Eureka’s story. We don’t get that constant stream of unfiltered perspective from her or really any secondary character, so it’s very interesting to see the world filtered purely through her eyes. I honestly found myself significantly more interested in all the new Anemone content than I ever could have been over watered-down, abbreviated rehashing of Renton’s character arc. I’m much more excited for the last film than I was with just the context of the first Hi-Evolution movie.

Speaking of which, very early on in the Anemone film, the viewer is clued into the fact that this is most certainly AU content, something that was less clear about the first movie. Eureka Seven as a franchise has really been in the 24/7 AU zone for like 10 years, which I think is cool but I also find a little disappointing. I like AU content well enough, but I also think they had a rich world already in the original series and I feel like there are a few more rich veins to explore further in the original world without necessarily needing to wrap it up in a convoluted alternate universe. Not to say I’m against like the AU stuff or anything, I’m okay with it existing, I just want a little more variety in the stuff that’s coming out. Keep up with the AU stuff if you guys wanna but I wouldn’t say no to more backstory and lore, you know?  If they’re gonna pander to old fans instead of attracting new ones, they may as well hit me where it hurts. But I digress. Hi Evolution#2: Anemone’s AUness is pretty central to the story it wants to tell, so it has my full attention there.

Alternate universe characterization is something I’ve had both complaints and praise for in the past, and I’m happy to say that in the case of Anemone I have mostly praise. It’s nice to get a glimpse of an Anemone who isn’t like....as unhinged as her original incarnation. She’s well adjusted comparably, which makes her a decently reliable narrator. While she loses some of the edge that people are drawn to about her, she maintains most of the underlying personality traits you would expect of even the earliest incarnation of Anemone. This is an Anemone who had the opportunity to be socialized. You can relate to her and appreciate her feelings more easily than the Anemone viewers are most familiar with. This is an Anemone with hardships, but she hasn’t been pushed to the same extremes as her PoP counterpart. Likely due to the pretty direct narration and background, there’s also a lot more substance to her than PFoR Anemone in my opinion. It’s not really a chore to like her and take interest in her. She feels very natural in most instances. She’s a real breath of fresh air for fans who love Anemone and wanted to see her living with a healthier mindset and some better outcomes. Good on you, Anemone. Four for you, Anemone.

Most of the other characters--Dominic, the scientists, background people, Anemone’s father, new crew members, etc--are all about what you’d expect from either their previous incarnations or the archetypes they’re filling. None of the new characters or secondary characters are particularly developed, but I don’t really consider that a huge fault of it. I wouldn’t expect a 2 hour movie to meander the way a 50 episode anime can, but in times like this when I am with very few developed characters, I am forcefully reminded of what an asset and a strength the original’s depth and breadth of character writing is.

And then there’s Eureka. I expect her to be polarizing in the reviews, assuming at least some people didn’t straight up hate her in it. Everybody may have just hated it, idk.

As I said earlier alternate universe characterization is something I’ve had both complaints and praise for in the past, often both at the same time. What often comes about is characterization that I don’t necessarily like, but because the character has lived a different life I can’t really say that characterization is wrong. I feel that pull in this film quite a bit. Wrathful Eureka is boring to me. Conceptually, it just is. But does that make it bad?

Man, idk, I guess not. I didn’t like it, but I’ll defend it to a degree. In the original story Eureka was born into violence and conditioned to perpetuate violence early in life. The original Eureka Seven has a dense messaging about propaganda and information and the ways in which society conditions people of all kinds.  Eureka is a docile character in the original but more and more as we learn about her, we realize that this tendency toward gentleness isn’t just a cutesy character trait of hers. It’s a choice that she’s making on a daily basis, even when more forceful options would be easier or make more sense to her. It’s a choice that has come about from a collection of experiences. Eureka becomes pacifistic because she develops her own ideals about the world. She comes to conclusions about what things make her a good or bad person and she makes the decision to be the person she wants to be. There’s weight to it. That’s something that always really drawn me to her as a character. It’s very easy to blow up in the face of something horrible. It’s much harder to keep a cool head and exercise mercy. I just don’t find the Eureka of this world all that compelling.

That said, I don’t necessarily think this read of her is wrong or even impossible. In fact, I think if this read had 50 episodes of development and justification behind it, I might even come to appreciate it. Certainly if anything could drive her to this, it would be losing Renton, so it’s not exactly out of left field for the character given the circumstances she’s in. I feel somewhat similarly about PFoR Eureka. Only somewhat. Eureka in general is a character who would probably be much more in touch with her anger if she had been raised any other way than she was. Even in the original series Eureka has a passive aggressive streak. She’s probably very fortunate that more productive methods of expressing her feelings were accessible to her before any natural tendency toward aggression was. Angrier more volatile reads of Eureka aren’t wrong or even uninteresting necessarily, but to me a lot of her charm is wrapped up in the reasons she works so hard not to be that type of character.

I also think that subversion and role reversal can be an interesting in AU stuff, so I don’t really fault them for using it here. In contrast to our typical unhinged Anemone, Eureka gets to be the one teetering on the edge so that Anemone can shine and show a little more humanity than she typically gets to. I think that’s honestly okay. I want to see Anemone have her day to be the hero. That’s something I’m okay with sacrificing a little of my preferred characterization for. I see a lot of value in a portrayal that allowed Eureka and Anemone to bond and more directly learn together. I think a lot of fans, myself included, wonder about a reality where Eureka and Anemone could have been sources of support for one another rather than pitted against one another.

That isn’t to say that I’m automatically okay with chopping up the writing in arbitrary ways, though. The thing about the reversals and subversions in Hi-Evo #2 is that they’re consistent. Compare to something like Pocketful of Rainbows and you’ll see what I mean. In that movie Renton, for some unclear reason, is the one who can understand Nirvash even though that writing decision doesn’t really serve the story in any meaningful way because Eureka is still the one who isn’t human and still is wanted by the military for....being whatever unclear thing she is in that film. Renton is no longer childish and is in fact the patient one in the story while Eureka is the one with a stubborn attitude and defined temper. Renton is made out to be more of a coward so that he has something to grow from, except for all the many many times he isn’t cowardly pretty much immediately, and the only flimsy defense of this concept that is that he was afraid of adults with guns when he was a literal child.  Meanwhile, Eureka in this film is a much more brash character than we’re used to. Unlike Original Eureka, this one doesn’t want to be led or take orders anymore. She’s a loose canon who takes matters into her own hands except for all the times she cries for Renton to save her both before and after she’s teetering on her own Independence Event Horizon. There are a lot of creative decisions in that film that just plain don’t make sense to me because the writing doesn’t commit to them at all and tends to flounder around between them. I could barely make it through that film because I felt like it was contradicting itself every 5 minutes. It feels less like a new exploration of old characters and more like a bunch of ideas the writing team couldn’t agree on and slapped together anyway. If it wasn’t unclear, I don’t like Pocketful of Rainbows very much.

By contrast, any subversions or reversals in Hi-Evolution 2 fell earned enough. The writing choices are for the most part played straight and well justified. The choices are interesting. Unlike literally anything about the lore of Pocketful of Rainbows, I want to know more about Hi-Evolution. I want to understand what Anemone’s mission is and about Silver Box. I want to know why Dewey is so different from the Dewey I know. As much as I complained about Eureka’s characterization, the portrayal is decently justified by the writing. Eureka believes she killed Renton and seems to be privy to other realities where she turned out much happier. She has good enough reasons to be bitter in this iteration.  

This film has honestly made me way more forgiving of Hi-Evo #1 and given me a lot of reason to take interest in what the last film might be. I’m going to reserve any big overarching judgement until that comes out in 6000 years, but I’m getting the sense that it might be New Order adjacent, in that Renton and Eureka will have to find one another and possibly revisit places that will be nostalgic for fans.I wouldn’t complain if this becomes the flagship verse wherein Eureka and Anemone form a meaningful friendship because they’ve been denied that opportunity in basically every other telling that exists so far.

Also big thank god the last film will be hand drawn because, I hate to be that guy but the GC looked like shitgarbage. I’ve become very forgiving of CG and Mocap recently but I just really disliked it in this film. Animation is a medium I know a lot about, I know compositing is a tricky job, I respect the work put into it, but...oof. I do wonder if that was a stylistic choice or more of an “oh shit the budget is disappearing” choice.

My final word on Eureka Seven Hi Evolution #2 is that....I didn’t hate it. I didn’t love it either but I had a nice enough time watching it. I’m realizing I’m having trouble landing in one particular spot on Hi Evolution #2 because I expect the next film will effect how I judge this one in the same way that this film has affected how I judged the first one. If you’re an Eureka Seven fan who is on the fence about the Hi-Evolution trilogy, I’d say give it a watch. You’ll still love your favorite characters even if they’re a little different than you’d hoped. If you’re still feeling iffy maybe wait a year until the last one comes out and binge them all at once. I suspect the experience might be improved that way. Definitely don’t go in expecting the story you already know, though. Doing that set me up for failure here.

Honorable mention for the fansubber who kept translating 勘 as very rude words describing the penis for some reason? That really enhanced my experience.

[ramblingguy54]

So, you see that season 3 trailer that was revealed on Braly's Lightbox Expo panel? How much does that make you excited for season 3 of Amphibia like with Sasha's redemption (especially when she is reading Anne's journal), those scenes of Olivia and Yunnan (that's gonna fuel Olivia/Yunan being Marcy's lesbian moms idea) rescuing Marcy, the Plantars having to blend in and wear human clothing, and Anne, her parents, and Plantars on Earth stuff?

     I didn't actually see it on Matt Braly's Lightbox Expo panel, but checked it out today as I've been busy with stuff on my end. 

     Anyways, I'm just as pumped as anyone else in the fandom currently is to get more footage of Season 3 before it airs in early October! It's very cool and interesting to see Olivia & Yunan switching sides, which people had been speculating about whether or not they'd stick with Andrias after he revealed what a cold blooded tyrant he truly is by Season 2's finale. I noticed we get a shot of Olivia showing Marcy Newtopia's environment when she first presumably arrives there in a flashback from her reflecting on feeling bad for the kid after all that has transpired currently.

     It does make sense why Olivia would turn on Andrias after she devoted herself to serving for Newtopia's greatness for awhile. To see it all be risked of getting wiped out because of Andrias' lust for universal conquest was a grim reality check, no doubt. Olivia may be stuck up to a degree in how she carries herself, but this lady isn't heartless for sure. Olivia made it evident in Marcy At The Gates how much respect she has to Marcy as a person for the accomplishments and help she's lent their society as a whole. It'd be pretty strange for her to willingly go along with seeing Andrias torment a poor kid through God knows what kind of experimenting.

     You can easily make the same argument for General Yunan, too. The Newt Warrior poured a lot of her passion into what she did for Andrias. Yunan was doing it to be acknowledged, hence the whole repeating her name running gag deal, where seeing Andrias' cruel nature must've been hard to accept after how kind he's been previously. I wouldn't be surprised if Olivia probably helped convince Yunan to stand up against Andrias and save Marcy, so it'll be cool to see how this all plays out.

     God, I’m so looking forward to seeing what kind of dramatic stuff we’ll get for Sasha’s redemption arc in Season 3′s run time, overall. Seeing her come across Anne’s forgotten journal in the Plantar’s basement is gonna lead into some very good stuff for Sasha’s newfound remorseful nature. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes across an entry from Anne’s journal detailing the events of their big falling out in Season 1′s finale, Reunion. Looking at these two pics get me so emotional right now because I love we don’t get to see Sasha’s reaction to stumbling upon this item, but you can damn well bet she’s feeling so regretful after backstabbing Anne.

     After seeing the level of care Anne & Marcy’s characters had in the first two seasons, I’m stoked to find out how they’ll do Sasha Waybright journey of moral improvement justice. She’s arguably the most interesting of these three girls for that serious amount of insecurity Sasha tries to cover up with strength and control. Knowing we’re gonna see Anne’s parents has me wondering about what we’re gonna see outta Sasha’s family background, considering the focus will be a lot more upon her learning to grow past whatever deep seeded issues she has.

     I’m sure there will be plenty of funny scenarios the Plantars will get themselves into, although more than anything I’d say what I’m most looking forward to is seeing how they’ll further deepen their bond with Anne as a whole. Anne slowly became accustomed to their reality learning to live off the land, fend for herself, and most importantly fit into their town of Wartwood. Now it’s the Plantars turn to be thrown into the very same seat of understanding how Anne’s world exactly operates. 

     This reversal allows for more stuff to occur like Anne & Sprig getting more sister/brother bonding, Polly & Anne material, and Hop Pop getting some quality time with her as well after their dramatic tension in Season 2 with his lie about the Calamity Box coming out into the open. Who’s to say there couldn’t be a future episode addressing Anne & Hop Pop relationship coming into another situation requiring one another’s trust?

     Anne’s parents being thrown into the mix for a new change in dynamic for her emotionally is high upon my list of stuff I can’t wait to see play out. She doesn’t have just one family to protect anymore, but two. Her parents & the Plantars mean everything to Anne, so I totally see a bunch of drama happening where she’ll try to shoulder the responsibility of handling Andrias’ ominous threat over Earth. After everything Anne has gone through these past two season the kid has a ton of baggage on her plate whether it’s watching Marcy be stabbed, feeling betrayed by her two closest friends, making her parents worry about where she could’ve disappeared off to, and most importantly learning to harness the Calamity powers to protect everything dear to herself.

     Amphibia Season 3 has a ton of stuff I’m looking forward to seeing unfold throughout this final part of a great story about friendship and family. The drama has been so well written watching Matt Braly & crew top their efforts for crucial storytelling time and time again. So, yeah, I’m very happy to see it return. October is going to be a damn treat for the Amphibia community and just in time after Owl House ended it’s first part of Season 2 on a powerful cliffhanger.

[morinokunikara]

Yellow Roses

My writing for the October writing prompt for the 7th! This one took a bit longer...I think I’m gonna switch to every other day, and pick a prompt from one or more of four instead of two (so today I’ll pick something or either the 8th or the 9th)

I keep telling myself not to write Mishima centric stuff and then I write Mishima centric stuff.

Suzui wants Yuuki to visit her in the hospital. Yuuki assumes the worst. 

Yuuki told himself he wouldn’t be visiting Suzui. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see her-he really wanted to go and see how she was holding up. He just couldn’t bring himself to face her. She probably hated him and blamed him for everything that happened. He was always the one who sent her to Kamoshida, despite knowing what was going on. He never stood up to him or said anything. He should have put up with more for her sake, no matter what that meant. He should have told Kamoshida off. He should have done something more than what he did. But he didn’t. He didn’t and that’s why all this happened. It was all his fault. 

Yet somehow, Suzui specifically requested to have him visit. Takamaki said she really wanted to see him...he couldn’t let her down, not again. He had to go see her. Even if she hated him, even if she yelled at him. Before heading to the hospital, he picked up some flowers. Nothing too special, just some yellow roses. They weren’t really close enough for him to add anything with any meaning deeper than “get well.”

Standing outside the hospital room, Yuuki almost considered turning back. Why did she want him? Did she want to yell at him? Did she want to tell him how much she hated him? Should he go home...? It would be so easy... No, that wouldn’t be fair. He came this far, he’d have to face whatever was coming to him. It was what he deserved, after all...

He knocked on the door gently, and Suzui’s voice came from the other side. “Come on in.” She sounded weak, tired...it hurt to hear. He thought for a moment about how this was his fault, about how he could have done something to prevent this...but he forced a smile as he walked in. Suzui smiled back at him. Despite her currently weak appearance, her smile looked so bright and kind...it was almost like she was happy to see Yuuki. “Mishima! I was worried you weren’t going to come. I almost didn’t even want to ask.” 

Yuuki was a bit shocked. Why would she worry about that...? Did she really want to see him? Why did she seem happy to have him there? It made no sense. He pushed his thoughts aside as he walked into the room and placed the flowers on a nearby table. “It’s good to see you,” he said with a smile. “I heard you’ve made a lot of progress.”

“I’ve still got a long way to go.” Suzui’s smile dropped a bit. “I’m probably still going to be here for awhile.”

Yuuki couldn’t think of what to say or do. Did he do something wrong...? He tried his best to think up a way to fix things. “I mean...I’m sure people are still proud of you and happy for the progress you’ve made so far. I know I am.” 

“Thank you. I’ll keep working hard to make everyone proud!” Suzui’s face lit back up into a smile. It amazed Yuuki how anyone could be so strong when he was so weak and worthless, despite not going through nearly as much as she did. “What about you, Mishima? How have you been holding up?”

“I’ve been okay...it’s weird not having anything to do after school.” Yuuki knew Suzui knew about Kamoshida’s confession, but he wasn’t quite sure how much she knew. Did she know about the Phantom Thieves? Did she know her best friend was one of them? 

“I’m sure it is...what about those Phantom Thieves? I heard some nurses talking about them. Do you really think they’re why-” They both shuddered a bit at just the thought of their former coach’s name. “-why you know who confessed?” Somewhat unsurprisingly, the topic of the Phantom Thieves was unavoidable.  

“I’m almost certain they’re real.” Yuuki nodded. He couldn’t give away everything he knew. He had to protect himself as well as the thieves. “I don’t know about you, but they have my full support.”

“They have mine too,” Suzui replied. “They’ve helped so many people...You seem so much happier than when I’d see you at practice, you know. Ann seems to be doing better too. I’m sure our teammates are the same.”

Yuuki rubbed the back of his neck. “Do I...? I never noticed.” It was true that he was happier without Kamoshida making his everyday school life a nightmare. But why did Suzui care so much about his happiness? Wasn’t she supposed to hate him? “You seem happier too.”

“I’m just happy the school is safer now,” Suzui said with a smile. “He won’t be able to hurt anyone else.” 

“Maybe the Phantom Thieves can help save even more people sometime!” Yuuki said hopefully. “I’m sure there’s lots of other people trapped like we are...they need people like the Phantom Thieves to help them.” 

“Sounds like you’re a big fan! I’ll cheer them on too!” Suzui smiled more. “

Yuuki still didn’t get it. Why was she acting like she was enjoying his presence? Why wasn’t she mad at him? Why wasn’t she yelling about how much she hates him...? It was only stressing him out more. Was she just messing with him. “Suzui?” He asked softly. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course...is everything alright?” Why was she so concerned about him?! She was the one in a hospital bed, having to go through all these treatments and therapies, and it was his fault! She was there because he was a coward! So why was she being so kind?!

“Why did you ask for me to visit...? I thought you’d be mad at me and hate me but...this whole time, you’ve been friendly and smiling as if you were actually happy to see me...I don’t get it...” Yuuki looked away, clenching his fists and biting his lip. He was prepared for the truth now, no matter how brutal it may be. 

“Mishima...why wouldn’t I be happy to see you? You’re my teammate, and the one person on the team who ever really reached out to me.” Yuuki recalled the times he would help Suzui patch up after “practice.” Was he really the only one who showed her such kindness? “Ann mentioned offhand that you seemed really tired lately, and I got worried. So I asked her to tell you I wanted you to visit me. I know how hard you always pushed yourself in volleyball, so I wanted to make sure you weren’t exhausting yourself some other way.” 

Yuuki couldn’t find the words to describe his feelings. Suzui was worried about him? She wanted him to visit because she was worried? She was the last person who should be worried about anyone, especially him! “Suzui...”

“Did I say something wrong...?” Suzui asked with a concerned frown.

Yuuki shook his head and managed a smile. “No, not at all. I’m just shocked that you care about me so much after everything that happened.”

“None of that was your fault, Mishima. I’d never hold that against you.” Her tone was so kind and genuine, it almost made Yuuki believe she was right. “I know it’s hard not to blame yourself but I hope you aren’t carrying that burden for too long.” 

It was hard for Yuuki not to blame himself, but getting that kind of reassurance helped somewhat. He managed a small smile. “Thanks, Suzui...I guess I forgot how kind you are.” 

“Well, I mean every word of it.” Suzui smiled as she looked at the flowers. “Yellow roses...not uncommon for hospitals...but they don’t just mean ‘get well soon’ you know.” Of course Yuuki knew. He had plenty of knowledge on some random topics due to late-night Wikipedia browsing sessions, and flower language was one of those. “They mean friendship too.” She smiled at Yuuki, who stared back in mild shock.

Friendship...? He never really had friends. All through school, he had always been the nobody, the guy who only got acknowledged when he was being made fun of. Did Suzui really want to be his friend...? “Sure, they can be that but...”

“Yuuki.” He was thrown off a bit by Suzui-uh, Shiho?-using his first name so suddenly. “You should come and visit me again when you have the time. I’d love to talk some more, and make sure you’re doing alright.” 

It was kind of unbelievable. Shiho wanted to be his friend? She wasn’t mad at him...she cared about him...Yuuki smiled and nodded. “I’d love to visit again Su-uh, Shiho.” 

Shiho beamed brightly, so much brighter than Yuuki had ever seen. “Good. I want to make sure you’re okay after everything happened. Don’t be so hard on yourself, okay?”

“I’ll..try not to.” Yuuki found himself totally relaxed for the first time in he didn’t know how long. He and Shiho spent the rest of the time until the end of visiting hours chatting, playing word games, and watching silly cartoons on the hospital. 

From then on out, Yuuki made sure to bring Shiho yellow roses from time to time. 

[mimymomo]

Parrlyn Miraculous Ladybug AU Part 3

After writing these I have such a new found appreciation for the Miraculous team for their creativity when it comes to their one off villains names and powers and how Ladybug stops them (its hard). But anyway here’s Part 3:

Anne sneaks out of the palace (again) and tries to find Catherine again

Cathy is helping Catherine organize the bookshop before it opens. Aragon is waiting for a new shipment of new limited edition books for a book signing happening in the next two days

Cathy is excited since the person coming is her favorite author but the book signing is during an important test so she can’t make it

After exploring what feels like every flower shop in London, Anne comes across See More Daisies. When she walks towards the shop she passes Heavenly Reads and catches a glimpse of Cathy through the window

“Catherine Parr!”

“Anne??”

“I’ve been bloody looking for you all morning! Do you know how many flower shops there are in London?? A LOT!!!”

ANNE STARTS WEARING HER HAIR IN SPACE BUNS SINCE THEY REMIND HER OF CAT BLANCHE’S CAT EARS!! (I forgot to mention that her hair was just down previously in the other parts...my bad)

Anne is still a flirt but is constantly shut down/thrown off by Cathy’s responses (Cathy either a) bounces the flirting attempts right back at Anne or b) acts completely not interested)

Anne is even more blushy/smitten than before (she likes that Catherine doesn’t fall all over her)

Anne and Aragon DO NOT get along

“Catherine Parr get her out of my shop before I beat her with one of these heavy dictionaries.”

“All I asked was if you carried 50 Shades Darker here!”

Anne doesn’t actually read those, she just wanted to piss off Aragon

Anne begs Cathy to let her join her and go with her to university, Cathy agrees

She goes to classes with Cathy and reconnects with her cousin Katherine and is introduced to Anna

“Anne, remember me? My name is Katherine Howard, we’re cousins...You probably don’t since it’s been so long-”

“Of course I remember you! How’ve you been Kitty?”

Anne does amazing in class

Sure she is cracking jokes at every moment but she does manage to tell off this dumb sexist guy off with straight up facts and logic to the point where he sits down and doesn’t speak for the rest of the class

To say that Cathy and the rest aren’t impressed would be a straight up lie

Anne admits to Catherine how she had always been stuck going to uptight private schools or home schooled. And currently she isn’t even allowed to attend university

Catherine agrees to help Anne find a way to convince her father/managers to allow her finish/attend school

Back with Aragon, the books that were supposed to be delivered that day were mixed up at the post office/shipping place and they won’t be able to get there until the next week. This will ruin the book signing and frustrates Catherine to no end.

Hawkmoth akumatized Aragon and turns her into the ‘Book Keeper’ (wow these names are getting even worse!). She can suck people up into her books and when she writes/reads from them whatever she says happens. The akuma is in her book

Cathy, Anne, Kat and Anna are at lunch when they see Book Keeper

“Uhh, sorry guys I got to, go to a....an interview! Yeah, an interview! I completely forgot it...bye!”

“Ohh, uh look at that Aragon is calling me. I got to take this!”

Book Keeper gets to the post office and is causing damage by the time Ladybug and Cat Blanche show up

Ladybug and Cat Blanche get their butts kicked in the beginning but they manage to take her out by using a bucket of paint (lucky charm) and spilling it on the book so she can’t read it or trap others (it was actually Anne’s idea)

After they free Aragon from the akuma everything goes back to normal

A worker at the post office runs up to Aragon and tells her that they managed to find her order of books and they can be delivered first thing in the morning right before the book signing

Cathy and Anne join back up with Kat and Anna when Anne’s managers find her and begin to berate her

“You will not be let out of our sight ever again! Do you hear me Miss Boleyn?”

Catherine, who has had enough, confronts Anne’s managers and blasts them for not allowing Ane to make at least some of her own decisions, including attending school

“Anne is one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met in my life! Don’t you see that it’s unfair to her to not allow her to choose what she wants to do? I’ll be there and will make sure she does well. So please let her continue coming to uni. Please.”

Anne’s manager doesn’t give a response and drags Anne away

But not before Anne runs up to Catherine and thanks her for the best day ever

“School-wise that is.”

The next day at school Cathy is sitting waiting for class to begin when BAM! Anne sits down next to her. She’s technically not fully enrolled yet and has to wait until next semester to start but since she is a celebrity there letting her attend some classes to try things out

“I guess you’re my responsibility now Cathy Parr.”

No one warned Anne about the test in class that day though...

Afterwards they run to the bookshop to try and make the signing but it’s over

Or maybe not?

Aragon and Anne teamed up to get Cathy a signed book (Aragon) and dinner with the author at a fancy restaurant (Anne)

“It’s a thank you, you know, for helping me. So everybody go get dressed into something presentable, that especially means you Aragon!”

“You just want me to dislike you, don’t you?”

The dinner is amazing and Catherine and the author get along great. After sampling some of her writing he tells her she could have a real good future as a writer ahead of her if she keeps at it

Anne and little Mary definitely play with the sugar packets and seasoning shakers until Aragon yells at them to quit

Okay so the next couple of parts are much darker (well how dark can Miraculous really be?)

Part 1

Part 2

[drabblesandheadcanons]

A terrible horrible no-good very bad day Pt 2

Foster Au continued. Credit to @bessie-bass-on-the-bass for the Au idea!

School is… school. That she now gets to walk into school with Kitty is an improvement- no one looks at her when they can look at Kitty instead- and she knows she doesn’t have to worry about anyone trying to talk to her.

Things are more tricky when they have to go to their separate classrooms- the Year 8 form rooms are not even in the same part of the school as the Year 10 ones.

Her own classes are… a struggle. She’s aware that she sticks out. She’s used to being New- she’s been New so many times before- but that doesn’t mean she enjoys it and she knows it’s only a matter of time before New becomes replaced with something less innocuous: she’s been the girl who had a panic attack in assembly, the girl who never brought in lunch, the girl who cried when they were reading out loud in English.

She doesn’t want to know what it will be at this school- but whatever it is, she isn’t deluded enough to hope that she can get by on being known only as Kitty Seymour’s little sister.

The school corridors are a gauntlet of noise- too many voices all at once, too many eyes upon her, and there’s so much touching- people push and squeeze by, jostling bags and coats, and she’s being swept along in a wave of tightly packed students, the ceiling lights over bright and the air thick with rain-damp clothing drying and a miasma of body sprays.

There’s laughter- then a roar of almost animal ferocity as someone way back braces themselves against the mass, forces themselves forward, and then a wave of yelps and surprised squeaks as those in front are being crushed, pulled off balance, stumbling and helpless, and still those behind keep pushing, keep pushing- and just as Joan feels like she can’t hold back the scream that’s building in her chest, just as she feels herself tipping into uncontrollable panic, it lets up and everyone is righting themselves, pushing each other away, angry and flustered.

The anger is always at each other- never towards the faceless causer of cruel chaos but at those unlucky enough to be victim to it; sharp faces, sharp hands, sharp voices, prod and chide Joan away- she’s trodden on someones toe, knocked into someone else’s bag, and she’s still mumbling apologies when she gets to the classroom.

The day drags from the first. 

She’s managed to forget her homework- the homework that had given her hours of anxiety (science is not her best subject) until Kitty popped into her room while she was still at her desk to ask if she wanted some hot chocolate, before seeing the state she was in. 

With Kitty’s help, it had still taken her over an hour to complete… but eventually she’d been able to put her pen down, pick up her (now cold) hot chocolate and shuffle her papers together…. only to utterly fail to put the work back into her school bag.

The sick sinking feeling settles on her stomach half a moment before the teacher calls for the work to be handed in, and she accepts the scolding and detention silently, her eyes stinging.

It’s not a big deal, she knows it isn’t a big deal- at least, it shouldn’t be a big deal. No one else would even really register it. But the feeling of failure, of being a disappointment (yet again, yet again) still sticks to her, impossible to brush off.

There’s a substitute teacher in the next class- Geography- who is obviously slightly overwhelmed by them all. The room feels claustrophobic- the usual routine is thrown off by the teacher’s absence and everyone is taking advantage of this, moving around and between the desks, crowding and pushing and shouting to one another, and to Joan, it feels like there isn’t quite enough air for them all.

When the teacher eventually snaps, it’s loud and prolonged and in the front row, Joan feels extra exposed- she feels righteous anger radiating from the substitute in the front of the class, and resentful anger building in the rows behind, and she’s trapped in the middle.

The rest of the lesson is fraught and the teacher is tense- she snaps at Joan to pay attention when she sees her looking out of the window and the giggles that follow make her face feel hot. 

Kitty would be able to deal with this, she knows- Kitty-at-school always seems to her to be just as confident as Kitty-at-home (which surprised Joan slightly at first, who was all ready to be asked to refrain from approaching or talking to or about her foster sister in public- it’s something she’s been asked before, more than once, and it doesn’t really upset her much anymore).

She thinks about what Kitty would do in the same situation- and she suddenly wishes her sister was in her class, making everything more bearable just by being there.

But she isn’t. Of course she isn’t.

History is a little easier- there’s a test, which they have to do in silence, and although she knows she hasn’t done as well as she maybe could have done, it’s nice to have a chance to gather herself: the quiet is a restorative, even if it is over much, much too soon.

Going from the quiet classroom to the chaos of the corridor is a little bit painful though, and she has to fight the wave of panic that washes over her- for a second, she freezes in the doorway- I can’t, I can’t- but then someone is pushing her from behind, telling her to hurry up, and accustomed to doing what she is told, she does.

There’s a pressure inside her, a growing tightness in her chest.

She usually escapes to the music room for lunch. After discovering it on her second day, it’s been a godsend for her, for a couple of reasons: it’s quiet, not all the lights work so it’s nicely dim, and most importantly, it’s nearly always empty, save for Bessie, who is basically paid to make sure nothing goes too badly wrong with the schools music and drama department and who is rarely seen by anyone who isn’t Joan.

(When Joan first saw her, she was hunched over a keyboard that’d had something pink and sticky looking spilled over it and muttering darkly to herself, and Joan had involuntarily shrunk back from the woman with the dark lipstick and the tattoos covering her arms and the dont-mess-with-me set to her jaw.

That was before she knew Bessie though. 

Not that she knows her well now or anything, she just knows enough to not be afraid of her and to be reasonably certain that Bessie isn’t going to turn against her any time soon. 

Now, she knows about Bessie’s weakness for Milky Ways and about the four cats that carries around photos of in her wallet. She knows that Bessie can play the bass guitar in a way that makes it look easy. And she knows about Maggie, the music room’s other occupant- two years below Joan but looking much younger. She seldom speaks (if Joan hadn’t seen her talking her the curly haired girl who pops in and out sometimes, she wouldn’t be entirely certain that Maggie did speak at all) but she follows Bessie around like a baby duckling when she isn’t in class and Bessie- who most students seem to edge away from- manages to seem almost soft when she’s talking to Maggie. 

Maggie doesn’t talk to Joan but she doesn’t avoid her either, and actually not talking suits Joan quite well, and so the music room has become a sanctuary of sorts- a refuge for her and Maggie, with Bessie watching over like a fierce mother bear.

(It’s not an exaggeration- Joan once saw Bessie tearing into two Year 10 boys who had followed behind Maggie, calling her ‘vampire psycho’- especially cruel because as far as Joan can tell, Maggie has never bitten anyone other than herself- and the force of Bessie’s anger had made her heart almost beat out of her chest, even though she knew it wasn’t directed at her. She wonders sometimes if Bessie would defend her like that, but never for too long.)

She’s looking forward to the quiet peace of the music room- really, really looking forward to it, the thought of being able to hide herself away in the quiet calm for a while is basically what’s keeping her going at this point-

-but when she gets there, the door is locked and the room is dark.

She stands there, helplessly, clutching her bag and wondering what has happened. She’s sort of hoping that if she just stands there, Bessie will appear and open the door for her and she’ll be able to settle into her usual corner, and listen to Bessie wish violent curses upon whoever has damaged the piano that week….but it doesn’t work, and then there’s footsteps and a cross voice behind her asking what she’s doing, why she’s there, doesn’t she know she shouldn’t be in this [art of the building and does she think she’s better than the other students?

It’s so unexpected, and it’s stupidly made worse by the fact that it’s happening here, just outside her safe (for school) place.

She can’t move and she can’t talk and her lack of reaction is just making things worse, it seems- she’s insolent, she’s arrogant, she’s headed the right way for a detention- and although part of her knows that this is school, that there are rules which prevent anything really bad happening to her, another part of her is tensed up and wondering where the first blow will hit her first (her face so it will hurt more, her shoulder where a bruise can be hidden by clothes?)

She can feel the pain of it even though the blow itself never actually comes- instead, she’s barked at to get outside and somehow, she’s able to move, she’s walking, she’s down the corridor and out of the door, her eyes burning and her throat tight.

She’s not sure where she’s going- all her focus is on keeping the tears back- so she ends up just walking until the bell goes.

She could go to find Kitty, she knows she could- Kitty had been very emphatic that she should feel free to come and seek her out any time at school if she needed her, or even if she just wanted some company.

(She hasn’t summoned up the courage for it yet but Kitty has come across her once or twice and insisted she come to sit with her and Cathy and Anne and Anna. She’d been so nervous the first time but it hadn’t actually been too bad- Cathy had smiled warmly at her over the top of the notebook she was scribbling in and Anna had made room for her on the picnic table they’d dumped their bags all over. Anne had been quick to voice her opinion that Joan was an ‘old lady’ name and Joan had been poised to flee- but Kitty’s gentle hand on her arm had kept her in place and when Anne had finished her thought (‘It’s almost as bad as my name!’) and started offering round a packet of starbursts, she’d passed it to Joan first as if it was normal to do so.)

She knows she could go and find Kitty- but she won’t. As much as she wants her foster sister right now, she also feels like if Kitty is nice to her, she’ll cry and she really, really doesn’t want to… and there’s another part of her too that doesn’t want to ruin Kitty’s day by being needy. She doesn’t want to make Kitty regret her invitation- it’s far better if she just never takes it up so that Kitty need never have to worry about how to politely retract it.

Eventually, the bell goes. It occurs to her, as it does, that she never actually got around to eating the lunch in the bottom of her bag, and it’s that moment that she realises she’s hungry.

But it’s too late now, everyone is streaming back to class, so she follows.

Her first afternoon class is worse than the morning- perhaps it’s that she’s hungry, perhaps it’s that she can’t shut off the shouting and flashes of pain in her own head, perhaps it’s just a result of everything building up and building up, but whatever it is, she’s having to hold herself together. Her fingernails dig into her palms, she fights to keep her breathing steady.

She’s not paying a huge amount of attention to what’s going on in the class around her but eventually, she registers a disturbance behind her/

Loud obnoxious questions turn louder and louder until there’s shouting- a chair is overturned, and someone is storming out of the room, furiously muttering- she wants to cover her ears,to hide from the anger- and as they pass, a hand suddenly comes up and pushes her head forward. It’s not very hard but it’s unexpected, it jolts her. It’s not personal, she knows that really- it’s more just that she is an easy and convenient target- one of the quiet ones who are there to be tripped and pushed so that others can laugh at their stumbling confusing, who are there to have things thrown at them so that others can have the benefit of their distress. She’s an outlet of anger in the same way that the chair is overturned, the exercise book thrown on the floor, the worksheet ripped and crumpled- she feels the truth of this in one quick flash, and the anger of it too, and then, then she’s out of her chair, turning- the owner of the hand is only a step or two away, and she’s on him, clawing like a cat, hitting as hard as her pathetic strength will allow, and someone is shrieking, ‘no, no, no’ over and over, and it’s her.

There are voices around her, and several stinging blows to the side of her head, and then there are hands upon her, pulling her back and away, and she’s clawing at the empty air, throat raw and her face wet with blood and with tears.