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sleeping-on-cracking-ice · 4 years ago

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SFW Alphabet | Felix Lee

{Stray Kids Masterlist}

Member: Felix Lee

Genre: fluff

Authors Note: I am trying to do this series with both AiB and Stray Kids, so here’s my first one! Enjoy!

A - Affection

(How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Considering how affectionate and cuddly he is with his members, with his S/O he’d be ten times more intense

His love language is physical touch, so he would always need to be touching his S/O is some way or another

Even a simple gesture like holding hands under the restaurant table is enough to make him feel reassured

He wouldn’t be able to sleep without wrapping all his limbs around his S/O, snuggling as close and possible and almost suffocating in their scent

While having a lazy day at home, Felix would not leave his S/O’s side

He would follow them to every room, like a little kitten

Felix would love getting his head pat. His S/O’s fingers running through his hair would be heaven for him

As Felix has mentioned to the other members, he heart would explode if his S/O came up behind him while he’s in the kitchen (while he’s washing dishes or something) and gave him a back cuddle

B - Best Friend

(What would they be like as a best friend?)

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Felix would honestly make the most amazing best friend in the world.

He would be the type of best friend that would show up at their house at 2am just to play Minecraft in their room

He would have the most crackhead energy around them 24/7

Always sticking to their side through thick and thin

He would always know how to cheer his best friend up, quoting vines and doing tiktok dances just to hear them laugh

He would also be so loving, big hugs and snuggles for everyone, especially his best friend

C - Cuddles

(Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

I mentioned cuddling a bit in A, but here’s some more

Felix would absolutely adore cuddles

One of his favourite ways to cuddle is playing video-games while his S/O sat on his lap with their face tucked into his neck. He would love feeling their breaths on his skin and them leaving small kisses there every few minutes

During cuddling, Felix would love to tuck his hands underneath his S/O’s shirt to feel their warm skin, and then giggle when they yell at him for having cold hands

Felix would rub his head on their belly as their lying down, kissing the soft skin there and blowing raspberries against it to make them laugh

He would wrap his arms around their shoulders from behind them as their doing work and kiss their cheeks

After a long day apart, Felix would drag his S/O to bed and cuddle them like a teddy bear, making up for the lost time when they weren’t together, not letting them go until he’s satisfied with their love (never)

Felix would be so suffocating and cuddly, his S/O would wonder if he has separation issues at least 3 times a day

D - Domestic

(Do they want to settle down? How are they around the house?)

Obviously Felix has a passion for cooking, so he would be more than happy to practice his skill whenever he could in the kitchen

Every time he made a good dish, his S/O would always be the taste-tester and give him their opinion

He would love to cook for his partner, and he would get so excited when they like his food

Around the house in general, I feel like he would be rather loud.

With his energy and vibe, he would make everyday be a party

Whilst doing boring chores with his S/O, he would blast fun music and dance while doing the laundry or vacuuming

It would take hours for them to finish cleaning anything, because they would have too much fun while doing so

Their living space would be so comfy, pillows and giant stuffed animals everywhere

E - Ending

(If they had to break up with their S/O, how would they do it?)

I feel like Felix would do absolutely everything in his power to prevent a breakup

But if he was forced to make the decision, he would be torn

Felix seems like someone that would be very emotionally connected to his S/O, so a breakup would crush him

He would probably tell his partner straight up that he wanted to break up

He would sit them down and talk through it logically, trying to say things in the nicest way possible

If he’s the one that broke it off, he would probably try his best to stay positive and on his feet

But if his S/O broke it off, he wouldn’t even try to hide his hurt

He would cry when they tell him, asking what he did wrong and why they don’t love him anymore

It would take quite a while for him to get over them, because he seems like such an emotional person

F - Fiancé(e)

(How would they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

I don’t think Felix would be in a rush to marry his S/O

He’d see it as such a small thing in their relationship, not really caring whether they were married or not

He wouldn’t care about labelling their relationship too much. He’d probably just be happy in any dynamic

Of course, he would be committed to their relationship so strongly and would defiantly hope to marry them, but he wouldn’t think that it was necessary to rush things

To Felix, he wouldn’t rely on marriage to strengthen his relationship, as he probably believes he can be perfectly happy and committed without being married

G - Gentle

(How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Physically, I feel like Felix would be incredibly gentle with his S/O

He would always treat them like they’re so fragile, even after they reassure him over and over that they won’t break

Even just placing his hand on their back would be gentle, and he would hold their hands lightly because he’s worried about hurting them

Emotionally, Felix would be so in touch with how his S/O is feeling

Because he values trust and emotional connection in a relationship, he would be delicate with his partners emotions and always put how they are feeling first

He would constantly check on how his S/O is feeling, and probably loves having conversations about deep emotions, being so glad that his partner feels comfortable to open up to him

H - Hugs

(Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but Felix ADORES hugs

He can never get enough of them, wanting to constantly be snuggled up in someone's arms like a little koala

It wouldn’t be any different with his S/O

Being with Felix would means hugs galore, and his partner doesn’t get a choice in it

All throughout the day, Felix would surprise his S/O with sudden cuddles and back hugs

Felix though loves hugs where he can run up to them and spin them in his arms

Or hugs where they wrap their legs around his waist, making him stumble and giggle

Every hug, Felix would nuzzle his face into his S/O’s neck and rub his face against their cheeks

I - I Love You

(How fast do they say the L-word?)

It honestly wouldn’t take him long, maybe only a few weeks into dating

It would probably slip out during a phone call as he’s hanging up, not realizing what he said until he gets a text from his partner immediately saying “Love you too <3″

Or he would say it after a date when he’s dropping them off, giving them a big kiss then running off cheekily before they would respond

If his S/O said it to him first, he wouldn’t know how to react

He would become all blushy and shy, probably try to hide his red face behind his hands

He would say it back of course, but not before he has a moment to control his nervous laughing

J - Jealousy

(How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Definitely a jealous boyfriend, no doubt about it

He wouldn’t be really jealous to the point of annoyance, but he surely wouldn’t appreciate it if someone was flirting or touching his S/O in any way

If they spent the day whole day with someone while he was sitting at home on a day off, he would probably become a bit jealous

He would send them texts throughout the day, asking what they were doing and stuff like that

If his S/O talked to someone for ages while Felix was right next to them, he would become impatient after a while and want their attention back on him

In this situation he would probably squeeze their thigh gently or thread his fingers with theirs to reassure himself

He would become jealous out of insecurity, because sometimes he would probably feel down about himself and wonder why someone as perfect as his S/O was with him

But after a reassuring cuddling session and sweet words from his S/O, he would be completely back to his normal, energy-filled self

K - Kisses

(What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss their partner? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Felix lives for kisses, no matter what kind

His absolute favourite kisses would be gentle ones, filled with love and intimacy

He would kiss his S/O at every chance he gets

Even when their just walking past them in the house, he would lean over and press his lips to their cheek, taking them by surprise

Or when they’re working on their computer at their desk, he would come up behind them and tilt their head back so he can give them a big smooch

His favourite place to kiss his S/O I feel like would be their belly

He could lay his head on their stomach and kiss the soft skin there for hours if it was just to hear them laugh about how it tickles

On him, he would love to be kissed on his forehead

Who doesn’t love a cute forehead kiss

He would love them because it’s such a tender and loving action

It would make him feel cared for and fussed over, which is his absolute favourite

If they kissed all his freckles individually and he would marry his S/O right there

L - Little Ones

(How are they round children?)

I get the feeling Felix actually loves kids

He gives me ‘big cousin that plays hide and seek with little cousins’ vibes

He could honestly play with kids for hours, never failing to make them laugh

He would probably love to babysit with his S/O, because secretly he imagines that they are looking after their own child together

If his S/O has nieces, nephews or baby cousins, he would buy the kids gifts on Christmas and their birthdays just so they like him more

If a kid ever uses puppy-dog eyes on him, he wouldn’t be able to refuse them anything

This means his future kids will be spoiled by their dad massively

M - Morning

(How are mornings spent with them?)

Felix would probably wake up quite early, getting out of bed to cook breakfast for himself and his S/O

If they aren’t awake by the time breakfast is on the table, he would sprint into their shared room and catapult onto the bed to wake them up

If his S/O isn’t a morning person, they’re in for a wild ride

He would rip the duvet off them and kiss them all over their face until they opened their eyes

If the sweet approach doesn’t work, then he would probably begin a pillow fight war

In the end, it always ends with both of them fallen off the bed laughing their heads off with pillows and duvets scattered everywhere

At breakfast, Felix and his S/O would talk about their plans for the day and clean up the kitchen together

N - Nights

(How are nights spent with them?)

Felix and his S/O would have the same bed-time routine

They would brush their teeth in the bathroom, always making each other laugh by making faces in the mirror and cracking terrible dad jokes

They’d probably go to sleep at a late hour, staying up and watching Netflix shows on one of their laptops

Felix would love to get his hair played with as they watched Netflix, becoming sleepier from the soothing feeling of his S/O’s fingers scratching his head

Felix would fall asleep first most of the time I think, and his S/O would either tuck his head into their chest or press themselves against his chest before drifting off to sleep while listening to Felix’s cute breaths

O - Open

(When would they start revealing things about themselves?)

As I mentioned before, I think Felix values honesty and emotional connection in a relationship

This means that he would be very open from the beginning with his S/O

He wouldn’t want to hide any part of himself away from them, wanting them to know and understand him as well as they can

He would love having late nights conversations with his partner, talking about his dreams and passions for future years

He would want to be as open and honest in a relationship and he probably would want his partner to feel the same way

Hiding some aspect of himself would feel like he was lying to his S/O

He wants them to love him for who he truly is, so he’s not afraid to spill secrets and personal things about himself to his S/O

P - Patience

(How easily angered are they?)

Felix seems like the most laid back person ever

He would hardly ever become mad

But when he does, he would become MAD mad

He would go completely silent, giving glares and snarky remarks to whoever angered him

The only things that his S/O would do that would truly set him off is ignoring his calls and texts when he doesn’t know where they are and when his S/O is talking themselves down in front of him

He seems like an anxious personality at some points, so if you don’t answer his texts or calls, he would immediately assume the worse

He also would hate his S/O calling themselves awful things while he’s right there, because in a way it’s insulting to him

If Felix became mad at his S/O, it honestly wouldn’t last too long

He wouldn’t hold grudges, but just sort of let his steam cool off and then be fine

Q - Quizzes

(How much would they remember about their partner?)

Every. Little. Detail

His S/O would not be able to escape him

He would remember something they said weeks ago about a shirt they saw at the mall

“I bought you this shirt because you said you liked the colour.” “What? I looked at it for like 3 seconds...”

Sometimes he would remember things about his partner that they wouldn’t even be able to remember themselves

Even such minor things like how they tie their shoelaces

It honestly would be so cute, and he would always bring things up weeks later after his S/O mentioned it

“Why did you get us tickets to the zoo?” “...because you said you find meerkats cute a few weeks ago.”

R - Remember

(What is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

Every moment with his S/O would mean the world to Felix

But his favourite moments would be the simple ones

Like when their having movie date at home, snuggling on the couch with a rom com playing on the TV

He would value those moments because he loves the domestic and calming atmosphere, just enjoying being in his S/O presence

Let’s be honest, him and his S/O would probably not be focused on the movie at all

He would also value memories of going on adventures together

Like going to aquarium and seeing his partner become all excited and point at all the colourful fish

He could honestly watch them react to the sea creatures for hours, he would be so soft for his S/O smile and excitement

S - Security

(How protective are they? Would they like to be protected?)

Honestly probably quite protective

He would be so cautious for them all the time

Even just walking down the street he wouldn’t let go of their hand

It also goes back to him texting them throughout the day if they go out

He feels so much better when he’s reassured that they’re safe

He like to feel like their protector, it probably makes him feel stronger and boosts his confidence

When it comes to him being protected, he would love it

If his S/O is bigger than him, he would always push himself into their chest when he’s feeling vulnerable

Just being in his S/O arms would be enough for him, because their scent would automatically comfort him

T - Try

(How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He would treat his S/O like royalty, always making sure he puts in his best effort towards anniversaries and dates

I already mentioned it, but he would love cooking for his S/O

It would probably be his other love language; cooking for his partner

When it’s their anniversary, he would always make sure that he has a romantic restaurant dinner reserved for them

He would pamper them all day, not leaving their side and doing the smallest tasks for them

For gifts, he would prefer making his S/O gifts rather than buying them

He would make cute photo collages of them both to give to them

Or he would make necklaces and bracelets for them from scratch

U - Ugly

(What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

He would sometimes accidentally laugh in serious situations when his S/O needs him to be understanding

It wouldn’t be really bad, but it may start an argument if his S/O doesn’t tell him to be serious

He also would sometimes get a bit too clingy, mainly due to insecurity

If his S/O wants some time alone, Felix might take it personally, thinking that they’re sick of him

And lastly, would probably play video-games until really late on some nights

Most of the time his partner wouldn’t care and would probably join him on most occasions

But sometimes when they just want to go to bed and cuddle their boyfriend, they might find it a bit annoying

V - Vanity

(How concerned are they with their looks?)

Always wants to look his best for his S/O

No matter how much they reassure him about how they don’t care what he looks like, he would still worry about it

Would be kind of embarrassed if he thought he wasn’t looking attractive

Would hide his face in his S/O’s chest if he wasn’t feeling the most confident

During heated moments he would tuck his head into their neck, probably self-conscious about his facial expressions

His S/O would have to reassure him a lot, but Felix wouldn’t complain, because he lives off praise and compliments

W - Whole

(Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Yes, home is where ever his S/O is

Because he is someone who becomes very emotionally connected quickly, his S/O would be such a huge part of his life that he wouldn’t be able to live without

Even just one night of not having them in his arms feels foreign and strange to him

He would love his S/O with his whole heart, not holding back any aspect of his affection for them

His S/O would be so important to him, and he would want them to feel the exact same way back

X - Xtra

(A random headcanon for them.)

He would absolutely love torturing his partner with harmless pranks

Like hiding behind doors to scare them and putting sticky notes all over their shared room (even though he’s also pranking himself??)

He’s such a trickster and any moment being with him is chaotic

After he’s learnt a new tiktok dance, he would run excitedly to his partner and show them, which always ends in tears of laughter

Y - Yuck

(What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Would hate to have a partner who is incredibly quiet around both him and other people

He would want someone who matches his energy and has the same humour as him

He also wouldn’t like it if his S/O was very distant, or if they didn’t value spending quality time with him

He would feel neglected or unloved if he dated someone like that

On a lighter note, he would absolutely HATE bugs I feel

His S/O would always have to be the one to take bugs outside if they found one in the house

If both of them have a fear of bugs, then it would take hours to get the smallest of beetles out of their room

Every time it began to fly, they would both scream and shove each other to get away from it

Would honestly be hilarious to watch though

Z - Zzz

(What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Either spreads out like a starfish and hogs the bed, or snuggles into the tightest ball possible

There’s no in-between

He wouldn’t snore at all I feel, and would be a light sleeper

Even the smallest of sounds outside makes him wake up all alert

Rarely has nightmares, but when he does he wakes up and tucks himself closer to his S/O while kissing their face to reassure him it was just a dream

He would love to have so many pillows and stuffies on the bed, wanting to be as comfortable as possible

Probably goes to sleep wrapped up like a burrito, but then wakes up with all the covers off him

SFW Alphabet template from @the-coldest-goodbye

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goblinconceivable · 4 years ago

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braindump: betty/daniel

I’ve been living with them for a while, notes taken, a few stories significantly started but there’s a gelling issue, which I’m hoping is at least partially down to a lack of proper braindumping. So, in no particular order and certainly not comprehensive:

Frankly I also got too hooked on the last 2 eps, which is likely where I’m blocked. It’s an abrupt emotional twist for them (esp Daniel), and in trying to make sense of that I’m losing focus on the 4 previous years.

- I’m a little bit obsessed in the scene where Betty tries to convince Matt she’s fearless by pointing out her bang-less-ness. And then runs into Daniel, who is at that moment half brain-washed, but yet when she asks about her fearless quotient his response is immediate and natural and entirely lacking in irony: “no bangs.” It’s a tiny little moment that shows how well he not only knows her, but understands her. Without judgment, without fanfare. Were I to have a husband, this is the sort of response that would confirm I’d married the absolute perfect guy for me.

- They’re too close for mirroring to be an important indicator, but there are two scenes that stand out in this vein: the first is when Betty thinks he may have pushed Christina down the stares and steals the video. She’s backing out the door, and he follows, matching her step for step. I love the direction choices because from her perspective there’s a sense of menace, Daniel as potential villain is stalking her. But from his guileless perspective he’s talking to her and if she’s moving, so is he. The second is from the penultimate, talking about Trista, where Betty’s rolling back and forth and he moves with her, rather than simply turning his head. It signals his full engagement in the conversation, seeking her attention, and is why the scene plays as flirting rather than their normal banter.

- That bulletpoint was getting a bit long, so second point on the flirting is that it plays against Betty shutting down the conversation “none of my business,” leading to the fight over involvement in each other’s personal lives, leading to the revelation that they know each other at that deep personal level so very, very well. Which was a very clumsy leadup to Daniel’s revelation during Hilda’s wedding speech, that could have been handled so much more deftly but those last two eps were quite rushed, I don’t know when they found out about the shortened season but it feels like they’d planned for more space and had to jab in exposition.

- Becaaaaause: they narratively broke his ‘aha’ moment onto “know you better than you do” while the strength of the message is really in the “do anything to protect them.” Which is, I believe, where they cut to his softened expression. Not coincidentally, this is precisely what a lot of fan-readings of the characters focus on: Daniel will do anything to protect Betty. Bobby might have said he’d throw himself under a bus for Hilda, but Daniel HAS done that for Betty- in fact literally doing so would probably have been easier than publicly shouldering the blame for the Tornado cover and giving away the profits. Due to the fact that he had time to consider the consequences and did it anyway.

- Which is tidy segue into an admission that I’m flying mostly blind on the Molly arc because I basically skipped all her scenes, but it’s my understanding that Daniel doing this was a pivotal moment for them. Ie, she was impressed that he did this thing. I mean, I really appreciate that he spent the whole press conference scene looking for Betty, so the show in no way undercut their relationship. But then they very clearly built the Molly relationship on the foundation of not only the man Daniel had become due to Betty, but choices he was making in large measure for Betty: it’s not that he saw Betty beaten down and resolved the situation: he was upset but lost, she yelled at him, and THEN he resolved the situation by taking the bullet. Did I break grammar by ending up with two colon’d clauses in the same sentence? It’s a braindump, ain’t gotta be pretty. XP

- Quick sidebar that the same thing happens with Alexis. She was expecting to come back to one brother, but then listens in on his pep talk with Betty and finds she’s returned to a different brother. This may be where I got the “an assistant” phrasing, if so, my bad. But basically, she was impressed with Daniel’s actions, not understanding that it was Betty specifically inspiring his actions.

- Follow that a step further and did Molly ever acknowledge how important Betty is to him? Legit question. I think her line here was about him doing it “for an assistant” (?) rather than even “his assistant,” establishing Betty as a non-entity for her. (Quoting a summary but I think I’m in the ballpark.) And I’m sure I’d have read about it somewhere if she brought Betty up during their discussion on who he’d date when she was dead.

- Just one last note on Molly, (okay it’s a multi-part though it veers off her as a character) but a possibly incorrect beef is that I hate the Daniel/Molly relationship because there’s no interesting or even real conflict? It’s perfect? I’m supposed to think this is magical “true love”? Molly has apparently been engaged for years to a man she doesn’t really love (and um... that’s lazy not strong), and helps inspire a vengeance filled betrayal by her ex because she’s so awesome everyone loves her? But she comes out squeaky clean because any emotional cheating on her part is balanced and thus “justified” by Connor falling for Wilhemina. And then the only “conflict” is that she’s dying, and is perfect throughout it? That’s... weak.

-That poem thing WOULD have been an interesting point of conflict but it was resolved by Betty’s intervention, rather than within the relationship. Which actually is an incredibly interesting beat. The problem with that being it’s so entirely consistent with the role Betty plays in Daniel’s life that it’s treated as just another beat, as if it doesn’t MATTER that a fundamental moment of intimacy and growth of vulnerability in Daniel’s very important romantic relationship is a door opened by a third party. There’s a strong argument to be made for something but I broke off to write the next point and now can’t remember what that strong argument is. I might remember later. It may have had something to do with Molly being a stepping stone in Daniel’s arc, but the cult-thing was so long and dominating that it didn’t work, it tied him too tightly for too long and coinciding with a loosening of his relationship with Betty there was flailing.

- Quick one: Daniel’s fast-forwarded and time-bounded relationship with Molly is the analog to Betty’s time-limited relationship with Henry. Which is a discussion I would like Daniel and Betty to have. Esp. noting that Betty and Henry had issues they worked through together (ice cream foreplay being one.)

- Player! So going back to a happy place, when Betty’s on the phone trying to fix the apartment situation and the camera pans onto Daniel just leaning against the doorway: this may be a legitimate little moment of “squee!” There’s so much denial in his laid back attitude at Player, but I still love watching how the informality of the environment reflects in the informality with Betty. He gives her free reign, and there’s many answers to “why,” and I (almost) don’t want to go into them because I totally adore how this Daniel is basically a College!Daniel only he’s latched onto Betty, who, meanwhile, is just being Betty. OMG how different his life would have been if he’d met Betty in college...

- Okay I actually don’t feel like going into whys, it’s just an arc to enjoy. With a small mention of how he TOTALLY was playing with the MODE book and handed it to Betty knowing she’d understand and use it to get them back in. Such a crazy subtle manipulation, to the point where I’m not sure it wasn’t almost entirely subconscious on Daniel’s part.

- The YETI recommendation letter. What I love is that this is another time when Daniel fvcks up, but fixes it, and more importantly displays competence and ingenuity alongside authentic caring and effort. Here’s the thing: YETI wanted Betty, even if it was just a quota thing (which it wasn’t entirely, at least one of the board was generally enthused.) So all that was necessary was to have them re-label her as from Player. Daniel knew this and did this. And told Betty that. BUUUUT that point was purposefully (by script and character) overshadowed by the gesture of the lengthy rec letter he put significant time into. Whose real audience was... wait for it... Betty. He even did a second draft! Which is more time and effort and a cleaner product.

- Also flaking on her practice run. I also enjoy how he (finally...) bounced back into the office clearly having forgotten her schedule, but having mentally shifted from Molly-space into Betty-space. He’s enthused, he’s engaged, he’s sort of bantering and I’d like to see where that scene would have gone if she hadn’t immediately gotten the acceptance call.

- So there’s this moment somewhat early on, pretty sure when Betty’s taking the writing class, and wants Daniel to give her feedback. And he’s all “why?,” coming from his “I don’t actually know what I’m doing” place. She responds that he’s her friend and wants to know what he thinks. And he does a little double-take at that word. Because until that point Daniel totally sees Betty as HIS Friend, and they’ve referred to each other as friends, with a little “f,” and he believes that. But it wasn’t until this moment that he even considered that HE might be HER Friend. Presumably because he doesn’t believe he has anything to offer her, beyond the power he holds as EIC and her boss - ie, “here run this show” and other such responsibilities.

- Which is a recurring theme. Pronounced on relationship stuff especially. When she asks him for input on the Henry vs Gio situation, when she’s trying to date the playwright. His response is always “I’m in no position to offer relationship advice/judgment on relationships.” He sorta dodges the first and is permissive on the second. I don’t know where to go with that so I’ll leave it (for now).

- When he was supposed to be in Rio, Betty wasn’t even at MODE, she was working for the “enemy,” and he was sending her regular postcards? First, they’d have been postmarked in New York and presumably with local stamps, so I’m not 100% on Betty not cottoning on. But it’s super cute that he was thinking of her when he was incommunicado with literally everyone else. Did he want her to figure it out (subconsciously)? It’s an act of reaching out, but also of convincing: he’s created a fictional narrative of being in Rio, fed and embellished by the media and swallowed by coworkers, but it’s through Betty that he’s establishing the fiction in a definitive way. He wants HER to believe it, because if SHE believes he’s there and having a good time, then he can believe it too, with a small piece of his imagination.

- Same convincing as in Player. BTW, how did all those messages on her phone work? He was 99% totally hiding the situation from her. a) why wouldn’t he just call her from his phone, as he always did in the past? b) he was creating another fictional space. Where her “number” was literally on a post-it on his temporary assistant’s monitor. It’s all play: “call Betty” happens many times, and every one is the act of doing it while knowing that he’s not really doing it. c) Betty does not point out that he should have been confused he never heard back, or more to the point, that he never heard her voicemail message. d) he was in a state of limbo waiting for her to come back, nothing is real until she does. At which point there’s lovely dramatic tension since he both wants her to fix it and get them out of there, and wants to draw her into this new reality and thus make it feel viable.

- 100th Anniversary edition. I love the idea that he’s hep on her writing his bio because he needs her name, at least, to be next to his. His identity as EIC is predicated on her being his partner, and needs that shown, even if it’s functionally an “in joke” because it’s not like she can be featured. In musing over his thoughts while flipping through the book right before deciding to quit, I usually come back to a realization of the transience of the role, but I want it to be a gutpunch of how he assumed, without being aware, that Betty would be next to him in picture, and that’s what they were heading for.

- I’ve actually got through most of my notes, so just a couple more. Daniel is super impressionable. He did what Becks told him to in the pilot. He did what Natalie told him in the cult-situation. Both against his better judgment - his look after Betty when he kicked her out for being “drama he didn’t need” - that’s the same look when he told her to clock out and was dragged off by the not-16-year-old. I’m too tired to go check the pilot, but assuming similar look there. He does what he’s told by anyone telling him to do something, but he WANTS to be rescued from the bad influences, who are so often so forceful.

- Final scene: okay so it turns out quick a lot of my thoughts are trying to understand Daniel. His growth is blatant and deep. So a second round will be more Betty-focused. ‘Cuz I identify strongly with her and don’t have a lot of surface questions about her motivations, but I’m LOST on side of the romantic coin. And plus she deserves a close look regarding how she grows during the series.

- I watched at least part of the reunion and very much like how AF answered the question of the final scene versus what EM says. Because I think they each, as actors, see it from the perspective of their characters, which means it was played authentically and grants insight. AF basically says that she saw it as Daniel coming to say thank you, and how it came down to Betty teaching him that he was good enough. Which came across a little funny because her phrasing implied they’d never talk or see each other again or something and that’s an alarming finality. But also implies that Betty really did see moving to London as a significant parting of ways, something that started as soon as she became an editor and their relationship changed. Probably before.

- She then challenged EM as to why Daniel didn’t say goodbye (as if she didn’t know and hadn’t thought about it? I’m guessing this was panel performance: asking the question “in character” and throwing the question to the other relevant actor.) But anyway, EM’s answer was “Because things were just starting.” Which is blatantly a shippy answer, and he even explains Daniel’s “revelation” as when he “really saw Betty for the first time through and through.”

- At some point in these things you’re like: oh but I thought of something else, and only stop when your brain falls asleep.

- I thought of something else. And then I forgot it. My brain is failing! But not yet failed.

- After Betty gets her braces off there’s this scene near the end, at the shoot. Daniel sees her and crosses quite purposefully to talk with her. He wants to banter and share this exciting moment with her. And the scene goes a little strange when Betty kinda goes “yeah, going now bye.” I expected more eye contact, a big smile, more conversation. That’s Betty. That’s them. But instead it’s a little awkward so Something Is Happening Here. Is she self-conscious? Did she see and hear something in Daniel’s look and comment right after she was detached from the bra and isn’t at this moment comfortable with him? Is this all fallout from her dream in which she and Daniel slept together/he thought she was a bad person/rejected her only they chose not to explicate this/cut a useful scene/thought I’d get that right away but I’m obtuse? I don’t think it’s the last one because while I can be horribly obtuse, I don’t think it was coded. But that’s what the obtuse would say.

- At any rate they don’t pick up on it again, next scene (next ep) they’re back to normal.

- But Daniel does immediately chase after Amanda and let go of her. Which is payoff for his convo with Betty earlier where she sort of disdainfully asks if he WANTS a more serious relationship with Amanda. I did sort of wonder if he actually does, but Betty’s judgmentalness is what convinces him he doesn’t. Usually I’d say Betty understands him so well she knows he doesn’t, but they’re not as close at this point, Betty is living her own life much more, so I dunno.

- But I don’t actually think Daniel was falling for Amanda, or that the show wanted us to think that was ultimately a viable path. Because of that moment when he’s in a car, calls Amanda, says “I really need to see you” and she turns him down. It parallels his text to Betty when Molly died. One text and Betty came over. This was an actual distressed voice convo and Amanda doesn’t care enough about him to be there, which is really great development for Amanda even though we don’t see her! She previously went after Matt when he was in jail, she’s interested in Tyler here, she’s not totally pining for Daniel!

- Daniel of course was using Amanda and their earned if mild emotional intimacy as a crutch, trying to fill the space Betty left. Also note when Amanda turned him down for sex and he stayed to “hang out,” - this is not supposed to be an analysis of Amanda but I wanna note I like that moment because it felt like she was pleased to think she wasn’t just sex to him, while still being over him romantically. Because she does care about him.

- Or for pete’s... I have this bad habit of writing notes which I later look at and am like... “huh?” This is a fic idea, from Daniel’s POV: “Betty had moulded him, often by sheer force of her iron will, into being a man who almost deserved Molly. And he'd turned right around and become a man who would never deserve Betty.” And I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT THE SECOND HALF MEANS. Specifically.

- Wedding dancing. Happens twice. Hilda’s wedding, we know what that is. But at Daniel’s wedding. I like that he wasn’t 100% Molly focused, ‘cuz, shipper. And I know why the show had Matt cut in, because gotta keep things moving. But isn’t it a thing that you don’t cut in on the groom/bride? It’s their day. Daniel just sort of nonverbally asks Betty if it’s okay (to leave her with Matt), but can’t help a) thinking he was a bit put out and b) want Molly to see his expression looking at Betty and have some sort of “aha” moment where she - do Molly and Betty have any scenes together? I don’t remember seeing any and I think I did skim through all the eps, but I need to do that again.

- Ooh, one of the things I forgot en route! I like that Betty has revolving love interests, because that’s textual argument for Betty never having feelings (romantic) for Daniel. Which is super, super important in this iteration of the story. There’s a couple moments - pilot and the first bridge scene - where she arguably has a momentary crush, which quickly settles into a developing platonic relationship.

- Jump back to Daniel finally seeing Betty as a true equal = romantic feelings. It’s a thing. Look my brain is deteriorting and wording is hard! So there’s two sided imbalance throughout. Daniel always saw Betty with this veneer of youth, and a great deal of his use for her is helping her “grow into the woman she’ll be.” And that’s the roadblock in him seeing her as a romantic possibility. Which was initially quite awesome because he was sleeping with people younger than her, even the “she’s actually 20″ girl was younger than Betty. And yet always saw her as in many ways more mature and competent than her. And double-yet he still saw how much further she could, and would, grow. His belief in her knows no bounds.

- Meanwhile Betty sees him as... someone who’s also becoming. Who has great potential. Bullying him into it if necessary. And because he’s guided by her, she can’t crush on him, he’s like her pet. Were she to have a crush, much less fall for him, it would have been horrifying. She needs to have a moment when she sees him as a true equal, someone who - look, everyone is always still growing so it’s not like he needs to be fully formed, and it’s a little murkier what the moment would look like when she finally sees Daniel “for the first time.”

- ‘cuz as noted, Betty has been there for pretty much every important moment of growth and crossroads in every facet of Daniel’s life. Whereas Betty consistently had many things and relationships in her life Daniel was not involved in. She’s always been way more self-reliant (not the word I wanted, is there one that starts with c?) It’s why they did sort of need to peel away through a chunk of S4, because Daniel needed to learn to cope without Betty propping him up, because it’s like a Miranda-thing:

- “I don’t need Gary. But I want him.”

- Daniel has to be able to be find without Betty before Betty can see him as a viable romantic partner. She has to see something she never has before. Daniel saw that the seedling he’d been protecting was not only strong enough to survive on its own had grown up and bloomed (process begun early in the season when he was being overprotective and she shut that down). For Betty... I guess Daniel... ... ..... it didn’t happen in the show. As EM noted, for Daniel, the ending was the beginning. Because his moment isn’t leaving MODE, that’s just the corresponding moment to Betty shaking him off. His moment is further down the road when he puts into practice everything he’s learned and ... something answered in fanfic because it’s spec and I’m tuckered.

#daniel x betty #detty #ugly betty #meta #braindump #my brain literally has nothing except #i got nothing #what a satisfying feeling #to have removed everything and set it in a magical tardis of a post

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jason-the-mommas-boy · 4 years ago

Text

SFW Alphabet with Jason Voorhees

Summary: What the title says! The SFW alphabet with Jason and his S/O (that’s you!)

Word Count: 3k

A/N: This has been in my google docs for awhile and I’ve been trying to finish up all of my drafts, so here we are! Hope you enjoy these <3

A = Affection (How affectionate are they with a s/o?)

Whenever you and Jason are free for a while, all he ever does is be affectionate! Don’t be surprised if he keeps you in his lap and just cuddles you there (with mask nuzzles included!) for as long as time permits him to.

Jason tends to be very affectionate to make up for the fact that he can’t say “I love you” since he lacks a voice. It’s also his way of showing you how much he appreciates you!

Your daily tasks are usually interrupted by Jason just picking you up for a hug! He loves hugs the most..

Whenever he comes home, he drops everything to just spend at least a good 10 minutes in a cuddle session with you.

Honestly, if he could, he’d spend the rest of his days by just sitting by a fire with you in his arms.

B = Breath (What could their s/o do to take their breath away?)

Going to be completely honest, you will not need to do much at all to take Jason’s breath away

Wearing makeup or something cute? He’s finding himself dead in his tracks because he’s so in awe!

Calling him a pet name or giving him something? He’s on the verge of crying or completely flustered! He’s already thinking of ways to show you his thanks and what he could give you in return! There’s no such thing as giving Jason Voorhees a gift and not getting one back within a few days.

Literally doing anything that’s considered kind? His heart is melting and he’s at your mercy. He’s very attention/touch starved, so anything sweet you do is usually completely new for him.

C = Cuddling (Do they cuddle? If they do, how and when do they cuddle?)

This is a big yes!!! Of course Jason loves to cuddle with you, it’s one of his favorite pastime activities.

Typically, Jason would enjoy having you sit in his lap so he can wrap his arms around you and hold you there.

When it comes to little-spoon and big-spoon cuddling, it’s up to what you want to be. He’s fine with being either and doesn’t necessarily have a preference. Anytime spent with you is cherished either way.

Evenings and nights are usually the times you both cuddle, as Jason spends his days walking around the camp, on search for any trespassers, and resetting traps and all the like. As much as he loves you, responsibilities come first.

D = Dream (What do they dream of doing with their s/o?)

Jason dreams of not having to worry about teenagers, tourists, and just plain dumb people who didn’t listen to the warnings from the townspeople. He wishes to not have to kill and kill again just so he can spend all of his time with you!

He just wants to help you, make your day easier by doing your chores, and then shower you with gifts and love.

E = Effort (How much effort do they put into a relationship?)

To say it easily, Jason gives a 20/10 when it comes to his relationship with you.

You said you liked this thing? Even if it’s not easy to get, especially when he gets most of his things from campers, he’ll find a way to get it for you!

Feeling blue? He will bring you your favorite food, get a blanket, and bundle up with you. If you tell him what’s wrong, he’ll listen and try desperately to fix the problem. Just need comfort? He understands and has your back.

Always thinking of you! This outfit that he stole from a camper fits your fashion sense, so he’ll definitely bring it home.

You want to start a project? Okay! As long as it doesn’t involve you getting hurt or walking around on your own, he’s totally for it! He’ll try to get you everything you need.

He’ll listen and follow your command unless it’s against his wishes. Your happiness is his number one priority.

F = Fear (What do they do if their s/o is scared? How do they handle it?)

He’ll have to understand what you’re scared of to truly really know how to help.

Jason will remain calm to the best of his abilities and assure you in the only way he knows that you’re fine, he’s here for you.

If you have a fear of anything scary like wolves and such, he’ll try to explain that there’s no need to be scared. He’s the scariest thing living in the woods and you’re brave enough to sleep by his side every night! But to make sure, he’ll take extra precautions and shoo away any unwanted animal visitors around the cabin.

If you’re scared of thunder, he’ll try to find something that he could play or get you to read a book with him to take your mind off of the storms outside.

If your fear stems from trauma or memories, by god does he understand. He will try his best to avoid whatever stirs the reaction from you just as you stay clear from the dock at the lake.

G = Gifts (What type of gifts do they give their s/o? Do they want a gift in return?)

Jason will give all kinds of things to you! Cool rocks he finds, the pretty flowers in his garden that remind him of you, stolen clothes that he thinks that might fit, and anything you’ve shown interest in!

Sometimes he’ll do grand gestures, such as building you a little tree house to stay in if you’re ever too cramped in the cabin. He’s ensured that it’s 100% safe and free from accidentally stepping in any bear traps.

Jason will never ever expect anything in return. Giving you gifts is no trouble to him at all as your reaction and a ‘thank you’ is good enough for him.

But, if you’d insist on getting him a gift, expect this poor boy to be completely flustered. He’s definitely not used to getting stuff from other people.

H = Hugs (Do they hug their s/o? How often?)

This is the most obvious yes I have to put here. Jason loves hugging you and will try to do so daily.

I = Intimacy (How romantic are they? Do they have problems with intimacy?)

At the beginning of your relationship, Jason will be extremely hesitant and cautious to do anything in fear of upsetting or scaring you away.

You would have had to initiate a lot of things at first to show it as a sign to him that it was okay! Yes, he can give you hugs and yes, he can hold your hand.

Jason will try his best to be romantic based on what he knows. He’ll take you out to see the sunset, for example.

A lot of things that he does he won’t see as romantic, such as giving you support whenever you need it and showing you a lot of affection, or y’know, leaving you gifts.

When it comes to intimacy, Jason would be...very hesitant. He has a lot of self image issues, which is understandable, he was bullied for his looks. He doesn’t want you to have second thoughts if you saw him entirely, he doesn’t want you to leave..

He also doesn’t know much about being intimate. He sees teenagers have crude sex, but he doesn’t pay attention to what they’re really doing.

After driving over many small bumps in the road, Jason is yours to teach and make love with.

J = Jealous (Do they get jealous? How do they act when jealous?)

Jason really isn’t the type to get jealous...often.

If he sees you talking or even walking with someone that is camping on his land, he’d be mad at the trespasser and be more worried for you instead.

The times he does get jealous, don’t expect him to really act on it besides an occasional pout and maybe be extra clingy.

Don’t get him wrong, though. He is extremely protective over you.

K = Kiss (Are they a good kisser? Do they like to kiss? How often do they try to kiss you?)

Jason is an incredibly inexperienced kisser. In fact, you were probably his first kiss!

Jason doesn’t like to take his mask off often unless asked to do so, so you’re getting the mock kisses he gives you.

He tends to give you forehead kisses the most, no matter what the height difference is between you two.

Don’t expect him to initiate actual kisses, he’s shy..

But his kisses are generally very...teeth-y. He doesn’t mean to nibble or bite, but he can’t help it sometimes.

L = Love (When do they say they love you? How often do they say it? Do they prefer to say or show it?)

Jason can’t literally say it, he’s a mute, but damn him if he didn’t try to convey that he loves you all the time!

If you’re going to teach him American Sign Language, that’s the first thing he wants to learn!

He loves showing you little acts of affection to let you know that he loves you. It’s the simple things of just sitting you in his lap and enjoying the moment for what it is. He doesn't need words to let you know that he loves you so much.

So, essentially, he’s a puppy. Sitting at your feet and lapping at whatever attention you give him.

You can tell you that this man would break the earth for you if you so much as asked.

M = Marriage (Do they want to get married? If so, what kind of ceremony?)

It’s something that doesn’t cross his mind unless you show interest in wanting to get married.

But he’s totally up for it if you bring it up! It’s definitely something his mom would have wanted for him, or at the least, wanted to see. And, obviously, because he loves you.

He’d love to hold the ceremony outside/out in the woods! He’s such a sucker for nature, it would be a crime to not have nature included in some way.

Sadly, it wouldn’t be an official marriage, but it’s definitely the thought that counts here.

N = Night out (What type of dates do they like to go on? How often do they like to go on them?)

Jason just absolutely adores taking you out to see the sunset or sunrise. There’s something so beautiful about it that he just wants to share the view with you by his side.

He also prefers little nature walks in the forest, teaching you the paths that are safe to walk and point out where the traps were. View the wildlife, befriend them maybe. Jason was a natural when it came that, he did have a bit of that disney princess inside him after all.

Honestly, if you guys don’t have anything planned personally, he’ll take the time out of his day to take you out, sometimes even for dinner! Whatever you prefer, really.

O = Out of the Ordinary (What’s something they don’t normally do with/for their s/o?)

For as often as I write about it, Jason does not take off his mask and clothes very often. He is much too self conscious and has to be assured that he has no reason to be ashamed.

He’s typically just happy with the little kisses he gets on his mask, and he’s never been one to care much about sex, so taking off his clothes hasn’t been that much of an issue. Unless forced to get him to wash up or clean his clothes, of course.

P = Playful (Are they playful in a relationship? If so, how do they play around/mess with their s/o?)

Usually, Jason is very straight forward in his relationship with you. And usually the one being playfully teased.

But every now and then, he’ll definitely play up the killer act to give a little spook to you if he’s in the mood.

Or give very playful eyerolls or head tilts to silly questions, but maybe that’s about it.

And...maybe, if his darling S/O (that’s you!) doesn’t listen to his set rules for an amount of time, he’ll set up a playful punishment.

Q = Questions (Do they ask their s/o their opinion on things? Do they share theirs?)

Jason is very old fashioned and was born in a time where there wasn’t a lot of technology, so of course he has questions and wants to know what you think about stuff!

I’m sure something as simple as you pulling your phone out to take a selfie with him is enough to make him tilt his head and point a finger at the cellular device, as if to say what’s that? and so on.

R = Random (How spontaneous is their relationship? Do they do things on the spot or plan ahead?)

It’s not really spontaneous to expect Jason to do something special maybe once a week after the day is over.

He’s a busy man! He has a camp to watch over and take care of, and his mother’s memory to keep up. He has many little chores to do and can’t really make room out of his schedule, especially when it’s summer.

But in seasons like Winter, he will devote his time to you and plan many dates. Typically, though, you usually don’t know about them until he carries on with what he wants to do, so his relationship with them can be spontaneous, but also expecting.

S = Sleep (How do they sleep with their s/o?)

Jason has no need to sleep while he’s out and about. The only time he really does is when he goes into hibernation mode if his body desperately needs to regenerate/heal.

So, while you two share a bed, he does not sleep. Instead, he spends the night cuddling with you and watches you.

Don’t expect him to stay long in the morning, though. He is completely restless and needs to get out and about on his morning routine. He can only handle laying down for a certain amount of time. A perfect killer can’t get tired, after all.

T = Trust (How much do they trust their s/o?)

Oh, jeez, if you can somehow capture the Killer of Camp Blood as your boyfriend, he has put his 100% trust into you to show this sweet side of his.

I mean, the townspeople don’t call him Killer of Camp Blood for nothing. He’s a murderer with a messed up and heartbreaking backstory.

To date you, he has full trust that you won’t tell the police where he resides. To let you in on the truths of his legend, to see how vulnerable he really is, and just let that inner puppy of his to shine.

So, all he asks is that you don’t break his trust, be honest, and love him back.

U = Unique (What makes them unique as a s/o?)

Big slasher boyfriend who could probably lift 4x your weight with ease.

Jason is also basically an undead zombie roaming around a really old camp that resides in the woods and is a momma’s boy!

He’s a good listener, very respectful of what you want, and will treat you like royalty just because!

Everything about this giant guy is unique!

V = Vulnerable (How long until they can be vulnerable around their s/o? What are they like in this state?)

It will...take a lot of time for Jason to even become close with you.

It will more than likely take months for him to finally trust you to not judge him, and then he will maybe open up.

Essentially, someone could assume as an outsider, that Jason being soft and sweet is the exact definition of vulnerable for a killer. And they wouldn’t be wrong.

To allow himself to be, well, himself! Not have to be scary and brutal, to be allowed to have a break and just confide in you.

W = Wild Card (Get a random domestic headcanon of the character of your choice)

Jason knows how to sew!

He usually makes clothes for himself when he needs to get new ones. And seeing as he’s monster size, he can’t usually come across clothes that naturally fit.

But, as a gift, he will start to learn how to sew hats and other types of clothes that you show interest in! He definitely wants to make you things and see your reaction!

It’s probably a once in the blue moon thing as Jason doesn’t take much pleasure in sewing (his fingers are much too big to get much done), but he knows its worth it if you enjoy the present!

X = X-Ray (What would they do if their s/o got injured?)

Panic.

Maybe panic a bit more, but then he’ll search the area to see what caused the injury. Some asshole campers? They’re dead in a heartbeat. Tripped or got cut against a corner? He’s baby-proofing everything possible. The last thing he wants to see is his S/O hurt.

He will then try to locate where the injury is and take care of it to the best of his abilities. He naturally regenerates when he’s hurt, so he’s not the best educated on this topic. Of course, with each little injury comes a mock kiss and bandaid.

If he can’t do anything to help with a first aid kit, he will have to take a bite off his ego and pride and sneakily bring his S/O to the closest house so the owners can take them to a hospital. He can only hope for the best then.

Y = Yuck (Do they have any pet peeves about their s/o? Are there any habits that might bother their s/o?)

It’s not so much as anything he finds yuck, but maybe upsetting. He hates seeing you leave the cabin without him. It's an awful habit he dislikes because you’re risking yourself getting hurt! He has bear traps about everywhere in and around the camp, and you could even run into intruders! Much too dangerous and risky.

Z = Zeal (Are they passionate as a s/o? Do they want or like passion?)

Jason is very passionate when he wants to be! He definitely craves the attention and is definitely willing to give it back!

So, this is probably the second biggest yes I’d have to put in here! Treat this pup right, he definitely deserves the love (:

#jason voorhees #friday the 13th #jason voorhees x reader #jason voorhees imagines #slashers x reader #slasher x reader #slashers fandom #slasher #slashers #sfw alphabet #narrator's writing #500+#1000+#1500+#2000+#2500+#3000+

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spaceorphan18 · 4 years ago

Note

do u have a ranking of klaine kisses? it's a bit of a weird question, i know.

Maybe it’s a weird question? But I’m going to have fun answering.

Unfortunately, no gifs, cause I’m too tired to go looking for them, I hope you can be satisfied with stills.

So, there aren’t really a whole lot of kisses to talk about here, which is sad, and let’s not get into times they should have kissed (**coughtonguetiedcough**). I’m also not including times when Blaine kissed Kurt’s cheek, or when they were in an intimate embrace but lips did not touch.

Bonus Moment -- That One Time On Tour

Not really canon, but it was hilarious and unexpected and forever talked about it, so worth mentioning. (It was when they were in Dublin, in case you want to go looking it up on YouTube.)

So, here we go, from least favorite to favorite!

The Pity Kiss (The Break Up)

I call it a pity kiss - because this was the writers literally throwing us a bone before screwing us over. I’m not a huge fan of it because it’s a tad awkward (and quick - hence no actual photo), and Rachel literally throws herself in-between them like a giant, orange piano.

The Bird Inspired Kiss (The Untitled Rachel Berry Project)

I’m actually probably more annoyed by this one than the Break Up one, but bleh, break up one. First of all, it’s so weirdly edited, that you don’t really even see them kiss because it’s cut away so quickly (hence another moment too quick to still.) On top of that, this scene was a great, emotional moment scene - where they should have shared a real kiss while sitting on those steps, and instead, the writers decided to tack on a lame joke and this unsatisfying quick kiss.

The Throwaway Kisses (The Back-Up Plan)

So, there are two quick, nothing kisses in this episode -- and they both have the same kind of function, so I’m talking about them together. The first one I really, really love, the second is meh, mostly cause of how they edited the scene and it’s a weird way to cut it. Mostly, though, what I like about these ones are that they’re nothing kisses you give your long-time partner. It’s a sign of domesticity and comfort of being with your long-time partner, which is something that’s kind of cool. We watched Finn and Rachel do this all the time in season 3, and Tina and Mike excessively do it in season 2 -- it’s nice that the gays get to be treated like normal couples.

However, since they are kind of nothing kisses, they’re near the bottom, even if I think they’re important.

Because of the Layers Kiss (The First Time)

It’s essentially the same as the two above, but we get a clearer shot of it (not clear enough for me to still, though!). It’s cute and sweet and the first tender moment we got since the first one!

The Last Kiss (Dreams Come True)

I kind of couple it in with the throwaway kisses, which all are here towards the bottom of the list. I think it’s sweet to end the series on this note, a gay couple who is no longer afraid to kiss each other in the hallway, and a married couple who are now so comfortable with each other, kisses aren’t the be all and end all -- they’re just another way to show affection.

The Married Kiss (A Wedding)

So.... controversy time? I’m not the biggest fan of this one? Partly because they cut in the middle of it to go over to Brittana, partly because everything about it feels incredibly formal (which makes sense considering). Out of all the ‘big’ kisses - I kinda wish this one had a little more behind it.

The Experimental Kiss (Transitioning)

This one is a little one-sided as it’s mostly for Blaine to confirm what his heart is telling him and Kurt’s just along for the ride. I love the scene it’s in, and I love the moment, but I just kinda like the rest of them on this list just a bit more.

The Reunion 1 (Love Love Love)

Hell yeah, boys, you go get it. I love the enthusiasm and passion of this one! It’s just so short -- just let them make out there in the courtyard some more - we won’t mind. ;)

The Reunion 2 Kiss (A Wedding)

I love Kurt’s sense of desperation and urgency and I love how Blaine just falls into it. I do wish we had gotten a smidge more on the making-out side of things as it lingered, but I’m not really complaining.

The Sex in a Car in a Church Parking Lot in the Middle of the Day Kiss (I Do)

The framing of this kiss is clearly hot, but it was more about the framing, and bodies, and clothes, and steamy window than it was about the kisses themselves. The scene is amazing, but we didn’t get to see nearly as much making out as I (or America) would have liked.

The Auditorium Kiss (The First Time)

This is the kiss that made me fall in love with Klaine. It’s passionate and in the moment and very romantic. I’m knocking it a slight point for being weirdly off center - but they’re on a stage, and it still took my breath away, so I still love it.

The Proposal Kiss (Love Love Love)

This kiss was perfectly acted and shot, being the culmination of their romantic story (thus far). I loved it. It’s not the hottest kiss on the list, but it is the most romantic and it’s classically beautiful.

Tina’s Dream Fantasy Kiss (New Directions)

I’m still slightly shocked this even happen. This is hot -- and the closest we ever get to see them fully in the process of having sex before it’s cut away or hinted at (even if it’s clearly at the very beginning -- and a dream sequence.) Now, if Blaine would just straddle Kurt and they take off all their clothes....

The Make Up Kiss (New New York)

So, what I love about this one was that it started out as a standard issue kiss, and involved into making out and neck kisses, which were clearly orgasmic by the look on Kurt’s face. I love the intimacy of it, I love the passion of it, and I love that it’s the end of a beautifully, emotional scene and explicitly is leading to sex. Get it boys!

The First Kisses (Original Song)

This scene is really a thing of beauty. The first kiss was deeply romantic, the second one was passionately hot. Everything about this moment and these kisses were deeply satisfying -- especially since we had waited so long to see them hook up. Really, the best kisses they had on the show....

Wait, a second... I’m missing one...

The Elevator Kiss (The Hurt Locker, Part 2)

I know a bunch of you are going to be screaming at me - cause I didn’t put the first kiss first, or that they still feel deeply uncomfortable about Sue being a stand in for the audience. I do not care. This kiss is hot -- like, I’m feeling things in my panties hot. This is making out as it should be, Why did Sue bother to open the elevators - they would have done it right then and there. This is my favorite kiss, because it’s hot and intimate and passionate it and lustful and making out and all the things.

There ya go! :D Whoo - is it me or is it hot in here? ;)

#that's how s.o. sees it #klaine #klaine kisses #Anonymous #of course it's friday night and no one is around but ah well

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devnicolee · 4 years ago

Text

Anniversary Blues

A/N: just some slight angst then fluff... idk, this is random but I decided my weekend needed some of our favorite Mountain King. Enjoy!

M’Baku x Reader

"Leave us!" you called out, authority reverberating throughout the throne room as you marched down the center aisle to your husband's throne. Like a hunter eyeing its prey, you only had eyes for the man sitting tall and proud at the front of the room as weeks of building frustration propelled you forward. You were so distracted that you did not really pay the rows of soldiers much attention. You tried to be understanding for over a month now. But this was the final straw. You finally had enough.

The chatter in the room ceased almost immediately as the men and women around you looked from you to her husband, waiting for the leader of the Jabari to speak. He simply looked at you with confusion. If you hadn't known him as intimately as you did, the flicker of annoyance and frustration that passed behind his brown eyes would have gone unnoticed. But you noticed and like gasoline to a fire, your anger exploded.

Once you reached the front of the throne room, you sighed deeply at the sustained presence of others in the room. You turned to find the group gathering their things at a painstakingly slow pace, not with the haste you required and demanded.

"Are you all suddenly hard of hearing? I said: Leave. Us. Now. Do not make me repeat myself again."

As the Queen of Jabariland, you were known for your gentleness, your compassion, and empathy. The calm to M'Baku's fire. In your two years of marriage, most had never even heard you raise your voice. This was uncharted territory and no one needed to hear or see anything else. They quickly scampered, scurrying from the room as if they were trying to escape a literal fire. You waited for the heavy wooden doors to slam shut behind the last person before you turned back to your husband.

"What is the meaning of this Y/N? I was in the middle of a meeting."

"I know. A meeting that was more important than our anniversary?"

M’Baku’s heart fell into his stomach. That was today. His eyes studied your body, taking note of the black skin-tight dress (his favorite) covering your shape, the makeup on your face and the small gift-wrapped box in your hand. He hung his head, guilt rushing through him, as he remembered the private chef and dinner you planned in the city to celebrate two years of marriage. Though he would never admit it to you, your anniversary had not even been on his radar before you reminded him of this dinner. And it didn't stay on it long because he quickly forgot to add it to his calendar.

"Y/N… I am sorry. Today has been hec-"

You raised your hand to silence him. His excuses had long grown tiresome, you were not interested in them anymore. "Is everyday not hectic for a chief? That does not excuse broken promises, M'Baku. You are a man of your word, are you not? That is certainly one of the reasons I married you... because you are trustworthy and reliable. So, you are going to need to do a whole hell of a lot better than that." You were not angry that your husband was busy, there was no leader on Earth that was not burdened with too much. And since rejoining Wakanda, your already overflowing workloads had only grown larger. But this was not an ordinary evening, he was not just missing dinner in your private quarters or movie night. It was your anniversary, your night to celebrate your love and commitment to one another, your night to make each other a priority.

"I am sorry, Y/N. I will make it up to you, I promise."

"'You'll make it up to me?' How? When? It is not like you are ever home," you retorted. Your eyes rolled up toward the ceiling as you tried to stop tears of anger from falling before you took a deep breath and continued. "We barely see each other. I fall asleep alone almost every night. I wake up alone every morning. I eat alone, I am basically alone in this marriage. When will you carve out time in your busy schedule to make it up to me? I mean... I just asked you for one night." Your voice trailed off as your anger dissipated and hurt seeped in.

"I am trying to run an entire tribe, Y/N!" M'Baku said defensively, frustration taking over as his pride could not tolerate an attack from his own wife. " I can't always be with you! And it is unfair for you to be angry at me every time I have to prioritize our people."

You almost considered just turning on your heels and walking out the door as you listened to him. You knew exactly what moment you were approaching in this argument, his voice steadily rising to the point where he simply shuts down and refuses to listen or see reason any longer. You let out a deep sigh, trying to calm yourself before attempting to explain your position again.

"I am not asking for always M’Baku! I mean Hanuman! At this point, I am not even asking for sometimes. Merely occasionally. It is not about one dinner. It is about you being emotionally and physically unavailable for over a month. I understand you are running a tribe but lately, it seems like you do not have time for me at all."

For the most part, you had enjoyed a union of marital bliss for the last two years. No real issues, no real arguments. Your marriage and the foundation of your marriage were seemingly solid and unshakable. But something shifted in the last month. Your husband stopped being your husband and he became your coworker. Your marriage stopped being a marriage. It was as if someone extinguished a fire and robbed you of all the intimacy you required to survive. If it did not pertain to a council meeting or tribal business, M'Baku carved out no time to talk to you, much less spend time with you. You had not gotten married to be lonelier than you were before.

You could justify the late nights, missed dates, lack of intimacy to a point... He gave you many excuses but you made them for him as well. You tried your best to bury your frustration and disappointment, pretending like rarely seeing your spouse did not bother you. Because you did understand he served a higher purpose, his responsibility to your people was too important. But, last week, everything changed for you. You started viewing his absence differently, examining whether he actually had time for you or the little ones he desperately wanted. How could you be a successful couple... successful parents if you existed as co-workers and not as husband and wife?

"I cannot ignore my responsibilities to be with you every second Y/N! You knew that when we got married." The bark and anger of a scorned chief now fully coloring his words.

You pinched the bridge of your nose. "I am simply asking you to remember you have a wife, other obligations outside of these four walls," she argued, gesturing around his throne room. "When was the last time you asked me how I was doing or asked me something unrelated to being chieftess?" you listed. "You claim to want a family but how? When you barely have time for me?"

"That is enough!" He yelled, his fist banging loudly on the arm of his throne as his hubris and exhaustion made him unwilling to continue listening to his wife's very valid criticisms of his behavior. "I said I was sorry Y/N! I will not apologize again. The Jabari are my obligation first and foremost. We can discuss this later in the Golden City when you have calmed down and can see reason."

You scoffed, knowing there would be no later. Tomorrow morning, you were both supposed to head down the mountains for meetings and King T'Challa's birthday party. You saw the jam-packed agenda the Queen planned for the week; there would be little time to breath, let alone have private conversations.

"No! Go by yourself!" Your mind conjuring up the only consequence you could think of.

He immediately shook his head, almost scoffing at your assertion. "Absolutely not. First, your presence is required as chieftess. And second, I am not leaving you here alone for a week."

"It would not be any different than the last month. I will not go down the mountains to smile and put on the show of the happy chieftess when I am everything but happy. You want to be alone? Fine. Enjoy doing your job alone." You turned on your heels to leave him, ignoring the rage painted on his face. However, before you took a step, you whipped back around.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Happy anniversary Lord M’Baku," you stated stiffly, voice void of the love and adoration it usually held for him. You tossed the box at him before you walked out, leaving him alone.

***

You sighed as the masseuse kneaded your tense shoulders and pounded into your back. You preferred M’Baku’s massages… his gentle touches melting away all the tension you housed in your muscles. Usually those massages turned into less medicinal activities, which made you crave them even more. You missed that, especially now, after being deprived of his soft, sensual touches for a month now. But this was a fine alternative for when your stress levels ran too high. The tranquility and meditation was short lived when the shrill sound of your beads, a recent gift from the Wakandan Princess, rang out loudly. You lifted your head to see who was calling before slumping back down angrily.

I should have known who it was.

Three days had passed since your argument in the throne room, three days since you had spoken to your husband. You ignored his 50 calls a day, they were nonstop and incessant. You knew it was not rational to be this angry over one missed dinner but you stood firm in your position. You refused to speak to him unless he was calling to apologize and promise to change his behavior. Any other conversation was useless

The ringing continued, leaving you frustrated. It was over. Whatever relaxation you hoped to get from this would not be achieved with him bothering you. You politely asked the masseuse to finish up. When she was done, you covered yourself in a thick navy blue robe before calling out to Amari, who stood on the other side of the door.

"I think I would like to go to the market to do some shopping. Can you prepare the carriage?" you asked when he poked his head into your bedroom door.

"Are you sure, my lady? There is supposed to be a storm tonight. Lord M'Baku told us to ensure you were safe while you were alone."

You cut your eyes, "My husband does not dictate my movements around my kingdom. This is as much my dominion as his. We will make it back well before the storm. So please, prepare the carriage," you responded coolly.

"Yes, ma’am," he answered, retreating to make preparations.

Less than 20 minutes later, you were off on the winding roads down the mountain for much needed retail therapy. You knew you would find no real comfort or answers in the racks of clothes but it was the only thing to keep your mind off your very real problems at home. But you figured it was a necessary trip either way, you would need new clothes in a few months anyway.

***

"Lord M’Baku, I was sad to hear Lady Y/N was not able to attend," Nakia offered as she and M'Baku shared an embrace at the entrance of the banquet hall.

"W-well yes, she was sad that she could not attend either. However, she was under the weather and we both felt travel was not in her best interest," he lied, fidgeting with the cuff links on his suit. He was not a fan of lying but admitting to his King that he upset his wife so much that she refused to come did not seem like a better option.

"Understood. We are happy one of you was able to make it and perhaps we can all get together soon for dinner. The next time you both can make it down the mountains?" T’Challa offered, as he took Nakia's hand again. M'Baku caught the subtle motion with the corner of his eye and a tinge of sadness blossomed inside as he tried to make it through the night without his partner in crime.

"Y-Yes, that is a great idea. Happy Birthday again, King T'Challa. Will you excuse me?" He saluted his king and queen before finding his seat. He was not in the entertaining mood, nor had he been in the socializing mood any moment since his arrival. He had not really realized how much he relayed on you to survive these hellish events until you weren't there. You made every meeting and event more tolerable, you knew exactly what to say or do, how to charm the right people. His fingers picked at his beads as he contemplated stepping out onto the balcony and calling you. He knew you would likely not answer, like the other 100 times that day. But he needed the silent treatment to end. He missed his wife.

It only took the length of the ride down the mountains for him to see the error of his ways. Your words echoed in his head every night and free moment since the blow up in the throne room. He wasn't listening then, but he heard the words loud and clear now. He had been absent and unavailable. He could see the path littered with broken promises and miscommunication that led you both to this exact moment. It was entirely his fault. He could always count on you, you never missed a beat, never failed to be present for him. And he was unable to be that for you. He spent most of last night brainstorming ways to make it up to you immediately and ideas to balance his schedule to make more time for you in the future.

His desperation to go back home showed through the Jabari King's sulkiness the entire evening, only engaging in conversations directed at him with short responses. His internal debate on whether to call you raged on as he listened to the leader of the mining tribe drone on and on about something uninspiring. He feigned interest in her story until his head guard raced up to him.

"We need to return to the mountains. There has been an accident!" He kept his voice low, as to not attract too much attention, but he failed to limit the frenzy, urgency and fear coloring his words.

Confusion clouded his eyes as he looked up at Dakarai, trying to understand what accident could warrant interrupting an official ball. No one paid the two Jabari any mind as they mingled and danced among themselves. "What kind of accident? Surely the warriors and Lady Y/N can handle it?"

"No! Lady Y/N was in an accident," he stressed. "In her carriage, it hit ice coming up the mountain. She is hurt, the healers are tending to her."

Dakarai was unable to conclude his thought; M'Baku was out of his seat and racing toward T'Challa the nanosecond he heard your name. He resisted the carnal instinct to strangle his guard for wasting precious time and not leading with the critical information first. He caught T'Challa's attention with ease, the King abandoning his conversation immediately at the site of M'Baku's face. M'Baku didn't take a breath as he explained the situation and excused himself from the remainder of the week.

"Take the Royal Talon. Ayo can have you there in under 20 minutes. Ayo," he motioned for the Dora soldier who arrived at his side in seconds. "We are praying for her. Update us when you can."

M'Baku nodded and shared a salute before he marched quickly behind Ayo. They were loaded in the Talon and zooming toward the snow-capped mountains of Jabariland within five minutes. He paced up and down the small ship, praying silently for her health as it zoomed toward home.

***

M'Baku ignored any and everyone he passed as he ran through the Lodge to your private quarters. He threw the heavy double doors of his bedroom to find you in bed, chatting with his private healer. The healer was replacing a bandage on your head gently when M'Baku approached him. You were listening to the healer tell a story about his daughter while patiently staring around the room. You wanted this examination to end so badly, you were exhausted and just wanted to rest.

However, your face lit up when M’Baku walked into the room. You felt bad, the clear anxiety etched in his eyes. You both connected eyes and you offered him a small smile, mainly to reassure him that you were indeed ok. You were in pain, sure, but given the state of the carriage when the guard helped you out, you were just thankful everyone walked away.

“Lord M’Baku, I am glad you were able to get here so quickly. Lady Y/N is going to be fine. No need to worry,” the doctor prefaced quickly, getting the important information out of the way. “The head wound was pretty bad, which caused a bit of panic. But otherwise, all the injuries will heal with time. And the baby is doing just fine as well, Glory to Hanuman. A strong heartbeat.” He turned to address you, “You are certainly lucky, Lady Y/N. The damage could have been significantly worse.”

M’Baku let out a deep sigh of relief, he was so elated to hear that you were indeed alright that he almost missed his last statement. “T-thank you. Th- wait. The baby?” He turned from the doctor to you, waiting for confirmation. If you weren’t so tired, you would have hit yourself in the face for forgetting to tell him not to mention the baby.

“Surprise?” you offered quietly, with a tentative smile on your face.

The healer’s eyes widened and he bowed his head, “A-ah… M-My apologies, Chief M’Baku. Lady Y/N found out last week. I assumed you knew.”

M’Baku smiled politely, mainly to assuage the man’s obvious guilt at spilling his wife’s secret. Of course now, your anger the other night made so much more sense. He, not only missed your anniversary, he ruined what would have been a life-changing surprise. “No need to apologize. S-she had not gotten the chance to tell me. B-but thank you. Could we have some alone time please?”

He bowed to both of you before quickly exiting, leaving the two of you alone.

“You are supposed to be in the Golden City,” you smiled softly, as you pushed yourself up into a seated position.

“Well, the well-being of my queen is my top priority, my only priority. When you are in trouble, I come running.” He walked up to you and pulled you into a bone-crushing hug.

You grimaced silently but held on to him as tightly as you could with one arm in a sling. While you would have loved different circumstances, you hadn’t been in his arms in so long. Your body filled with warmth like he was hot chocolate on a cold day. He shifted and pulled you so you were curled up in his lap, your face buried in the nape of his neck. You stayed like that for a few minutes before he leaned back to look at you. His finger lifted your chin as he examined the bruise growing darker on your cheekbone.

“None of it is that bad,” you promised. “It is my own fault. Amari warned me not to stay out too late, that a storm was heading through. I lost track of time because… I-I didn’t want to come back here and be alone. I missed you,” you whispered, your fingers played in his beard as you spoke. You had every intention of making him sweat originally but now that he was here? You just wanted to be close to him. “I thought we would make it back in time. Thankfully no one was seriously injured. I am sorry, it was reckless of me.”

M’Baku shook his head, “Don’t apologize to me my love, this is all my fault. You were right, I have not been the present or attentive husband you need. I get so wrapped up in the tribe and obsessing over every little detail, I lose sight of the bigger picture. I couldn’t last 2 days without you. I am in love with you and I know I can’t do this job… this life without you. You were right, my head hasn’t been here with you and certainly not enough to start our family. I am just sorry it took so long for me to see that. Can you forgive me?”

Part of you was hesitant to forgive him so quickly. After all, actions did speak louder than words and recognizing your faults did not mean his behavior was going to change. You picked at your nail beds as you responded, “I will always forgive you, my King. I-I j-j-just need to know you are there, you know? I thought about it and I shouldn’t have waited until it built up to say something. If we are upset or disappointed, we are supposed to speak up… talk. And I didn’t do that. I am sorry too.”

Silence fell over you both for a few moments before you spoke up, “This wasn’t how I wanted you to find out by the way. I had this cute onesie and everything. That was the gift I threw at you.”

M’Baku’s loud laugh rang out through the bedroom, “I don’t care how I found out. You have made me the happiest man in the world, Y/N. I swear on my life, that you and our child are my first priority, now and always.”

“I will hold you to that,” you giggled as he peppered your face with soft kisses. He picked you up and carried you to the bathroom. He sat you down and filled the oversized bathtub with your favorite bubble bath and hot water.

“How about this? After the bath, we can pick a movie to watch tonight and a few more for tomorrow?”

You paused as you tried, pathetically, to strip off your clothes with only one arm. He turned and chuckled before helping you. “What do you mean tomorrow? You still have meetings in the Golden City?”

“No I do not. T’Challa will understand. I am all yours. I told you, you are my priority.”

“I like the sound of that.” M’Baku helped you into the tub and slid in behind you. You laid against his hard chest, your eyes lulling closed as his finger traced patterns into your stomach. His lips placed soft kisses on your neck.

“I love you… more than anything,” he said quietly.

“I love you more.”

Tags: @muse-of-mbaku @jellybean531 @destinio1 @skysynclair19 @ashanti-notthesinger @gloriousgam3r @archivistofwakanda @leahnicole1219 @mygirlrenee @dramaqueeenamby

#black panther #Black Writers #black panther fanfiction #black panther imagines #m'baku x reader #m'baku imagine #m'baku x oc

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inevitably-johnlocked · 4 years ago

Note

Okay, so my ask was about fanfics where either John or Sherlock hallucinates and sees the other one after him (allegedly?) dying. As in, actually hallucinates, not mistakes a real one for a hallucination. Have you encountered anything like that?

Anonymous said to inevitably-johnlocked: hi! i hope you're doing fine! i feel really bad for asking, but i really suck at searching, and as i see everyone asking you, i wanted to see if you could help me, if you dont want to, its fine, i feel like im taking adventage of you... im searching for fics post TRF in which John hallucinates with Sherlock, or fics in which Sherlock comes back but John cannot believe it because he hallucinated with him ... im sorry again for bothering you! hope you have a nice day

Hi Lovelies!!

Ahhh, I don’t have a LOT that have this premise, so I’m just going to give you all of the fics I have tagged with hallucinations :) I do suggest “The Quiet Man”, which has this as the primary plot point (down below) and it’s a long one so I think that will best suit you requests, but DO check out all of the others on this list! <3

And as always, Lovelies, if you have something more to what my Nonnies are looking for, please suggest them!

HALLUCINATIONS

Hallucinations can't open doors by Bespectacled dreamer (K+, 1,330 w., 1 Ch. || Reunion, Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Hallucinations, John’s Wedding, Light Humour) – In which John gets married and Sherlock gets a broken nose.

Quite Contrary by Hollyesque (T, 1,805 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fic, Sherlock Whump / After Mary Shot Sherlock, Hallucinations / Flashbacks / PTSD, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Lestrade POV, ) – A short one-shot, alternate scene to Greg's hospital visit in HLV. Instead of Sherlock disappearing, Greg is faced with an unexpected reaction to a hospitalized Sherlock and winds up figuring out something that he really would have rather not known.

Bitter Nights Turned Sweet by Hyliare (T, 4,076 w., 1 Ch. || Pre-Slash, Insomnia/Hallucinations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, POV Present Tense John Watson, Cuddling/Snuggling) – Sherlock has always had trouble sleeping; he hasn't always had someone in his life willing to help.

Between Asleep and Awake by katydidit (K, 4,309 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Sick Fic, Post-TRF / Reunion) – John is sick. Incredibly, extremely, dangerously sick. Plagued by a high fever, he begins to hallucinate, start seeing things that aren't really there. Because they can't be there. Can they?

A Is For Aftermath by ElvendorkInfinity (T, 10,567 w., 1 Ch. || Injury / Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Pre-Slash/Bromance/Platonics, Hallucinations, Introspection, Insecure / Worried John, Big Brother Mycroft, Alternating POV, Anxious Sherlock, Self-Deprecating, Mildly Possessive Sherlock, 3G Moment) – John is still hallucinating, Sherlock cannot sleep, and Lestrade has a new case for them. But will life at 221B ever be able to return to normal? Epilogue to M is for Moriarty.

I Will Take Care Of You by SailorChibi (T, 16,664 w., 15 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Sick Sherlock, BAMF John, BAMF Lestrade, Reunion Fic) – Two years after Sherlock's death, John comes to find him on the sofa. Wounded and ill, Sherlock is convinced he's hallucinating and refuses to share any details about Moran or the fact that Mycroft has been compromised. That doesn't stop John from stepping up and taking care of the last of Moriarty's web, BAMF-style.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination?, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series (possibly Imaginary Friend)

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

The Quiet Man by ivyblossom (E, 157,369 w., 58 Ch. || Post-TRF, John First POV, Grief/Mourning, Angst, Present Tense, Imaginary Sherlock) – "Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?"

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #hallucinations #Anonymous

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kryptoniancape · 4 years ago

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So... Carol also probably stopped visiting Daryl because he was spending time with Leah? Is that the soap opera route we're going to take writers? Right. After Caryl didn't talk for almost three seasons. Then Carol got married to someone else for another season. Now we're going to throw in a tragic love affair for Daryl... who we've been told will only have sex if in love and only fall in love once? I just.... I shouldn't be surprised and yet... here I am.

So, I already regret posting that person’s reply, bc contributing to the chaos is definitely not helping anyone lol. It’s been brought to my attention that the line in 10x06 is “your dog” according to closed captions. (I swear, my sheer boredom is driving me crazier than anything else). But anyway, since this came in just after I made that post, I wanted to clear it up in case I was in any way responsible for making you sad.

Now that that’s out of the way. According to everything I’ve seen (which is only reactions/interpretations of the spoilers because I don’t want to read them), Carol’s reasoning behind saying she can’t see him anymore is going to stem from her responsibilities at the Kingdom. Perhaps this is around the time the pipes and buildings start showing signs of falling apart, or they were dealing with some other kind of internal conflict.

Angst and whatnot doesn’t bother me. Yes, it’s not quite the arc we were led to imagine, and I was shook for a bit after finding out about Leah’s role, but generally I’m not opposed to this kind of storytelling if done right, especially because I’m still optimistic at this point and giving Kang the benefit of the doubt. Gimple era Caryl was rough (save for the no sanctuary hug), but I think Kang is trying to get even locals riled up and reinvested in their storyline after that drought. I’m sure there are locals who still need that push to see them as romantic even after watching s10, bc a lot of it was subtext. So one of the most effective ways to do that is through love triangle soap opera type shit. There has to be a driving conflict to explain why it takes them a decade to get together, ig.

I will also say that given the clues, I’m starting to think Leah might be somewhat abusive and volatile, and she’ll be back in early season 11 to stir the pot somehow before they really delve into the Commonwealth arc. It’d be a rather Freudian route, but could make sense for Daryl to be drawn to someone to fill the void that is eerily more like his parents or brother than he is. I won’t delve into the psychology, but I think this would still line up with the arc we wanted for him in a way. He’ll realize the similarity, that she’s problematic, and have an existential crisis about it; which hopefully ends with him realizing he needs to be more open about his feelings, ect. Cue him finally breaking free of the cycle. I think this episode is actually aiming to address his abuse and intimacy issues in a way we wouldn’t be expecting. And by the end of it we will see that Daryl has learned things new about himself.

I’m also starting to think that they don’t actually have sex. I think Leah will try to initiate but Daryl will recoil at the last second. Maybe they just kiss and then it cuts and that’s why the leaker is assuming they banged. I know the phrase “lot’s of sex” was used in the table read stream and by the leaker as well, but I’m hoping that was exaggerated for a pr stunt. If it was that easy for Daryl to just have sex, they wouldn’t have waited this long to give him a one night stand or smth. And there’s an explicit reason the sex is only implied and never actually shown. This is why I think they’re going to handle it with care. Either way, the relationship was described as toxic and tragic, and that would align with my theories, so I’m just gonna roll with it. After all, Carzekiel turned out to be Caryl-positive development, there’s no reason yet to assume this shit also can’t be.

I won’t pretend I have the answers, but I’ve taken a step back from all the semantics in the tags and only been following a couple of bloggers who process everything from a writer’s perspective. Some need that space to be negative, to cope. For me, it helps to stay level headed for now and away from the fandom war nonsense on twitter. I refuse to let fandom make me feel miserable about the content I enjoy. I’ll let the writers do that on their own. I do think the episode is still going to have a lot of surprises, because even with spoilers there’s so much we just can’t piece together, and I’m honestly looking forward to it.

I hope my rambling was somewhat insightful. And hopefully new shit doesn’t come out tomorrow that renders this just a bunch of clownery, but. Chin up, friend. I hope it’s not misplaced, and I’m in the process of crafting another meta to elaborate on this further, but for now I’m genuinely optimistic that we will all be laughing about 10c era one day.

#Didn’t intend for this to get so long but there’s a lot to unpack lmao #caryl #ask #anon #disc #personal #meta

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lizacstuff · 4 years ago

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I'm sure others will ask this but what are you thoughts on the episode of SCK?? I love your in-depth analysis lol. I personally loved it!!! Also can I just say that the edser/hanker chemistry is off the charts lol. If this was the first episode I watched ever, without subtitles, their scenes would be a giant neon sign that says "THESE CHARACTERS ARE MADLY IN LOVE!!!". Eda was beyond cute/in love/adorable in this episode with serkan, girl has got it bad and I wish she didn't have her stupid grandmother and these insecurities in the way ahhh. I really love the Ayfer/Aydan duo, they're fun when they're together and Ayfer wasn't annoying like the last few EPs. Also, Balca can go choke lol, I'm so glad Serkan didn't fall for her trap for him to stay over!! He was like nah come to the party (my girl is waiting!!!). Was serkan about to tell Eda that he had to stop by her house? He seemed really nervous. ANYWAYS, I love EdSer and am going to go watch their scenes 1000x before next week 😭🥰

Thank you! I love Edser too!!!! Like you, I enjoyed this episode, though it was despite some of the narrative issues (that I posted about here.) There were good, meaty Edser scenes, which is why I watch this show. Once again I'll start with the non-Eda/Serkan thoughts and then get to the feelsy stuff at the end.

Babaanne's introduction did not disappoint. The actress has the right energy for the role. I guess we now know why Eda has been adamant about cutting her out of her life, Babaanne is next level controlling and vindictive. We'll have to see how she develops and what her endgame motives are. Does she want her revenge more than she wants her granddaughter and daughter in her life? Or does she think if she wins and arranges everything including an advantageous marriage for Eda, Eda will eventually go along and decide it's awesome and reconciliation will come about that way? *evil laugh* She doesn’t know her granddaughter at all if she thinks that’s a possibility.

(more under the cut)

I enjoyed her non-Balca scenes, especially when she was going toe-to-toe with Eda. That scene in Serkan's old upstairs office was intense, both actresses really brought it and kudos to Eda staying true to her defiant character. No one pushes her around. Prepare yourselves to see her waver a bit, I'm sure it's quite jarring to see your loved one in jail and know that he's there because of you, but she'll get to the point of fighting beside him. I have no doubt.

It was nice to see Ayfer protecting Aydan and Seyfi, it made for some great comedy and it was a good change after all of Ayfer's annoying, unrelenting negativity in general and about the Bolats. We'll see what happens between the two now that they appear to be vying for Chef Alexander's attention. Nesilhan just cracks me up when she's portraying Aydan play acting, the stilted voice she takes on is always hilarious to me, like when Ayfer was introducing "Aisun" to Serkan. As we move forward, though, I want to see some badass Aydan. She was introduced to us as a force of nature, so I hope we see that woman, a woman who will go to the mat for her son and Eda, emerge at some point. No hiding from Babaanne long term. Everyone needs to gear up to fight!

Peril and Engin got married! Their scene at home was really well done and gave me a bit better insight into them and why they might work. The only thing I was disappointed about here was that Serkan was not their witness. He counts them as some of his only friends and they didn't call him? Come on, show! They could have easily structured the ep to have him get the call while there was chaos at his loft that morning and it would have been the perfect excuse for him to grab Eda and head to the wedding leaving the moms and Babaane to Chef Alexander. It wouldn't have changed anything about the episode because Eda still could have gone to do her thing after the wedding and everything else would have been the same, except it all would have had a bit more heart. Missed opportunity there.

I've decided that Ferit is a catch. At the beginning of the show he was just so naïve, that he seemed foolish, but he's really turned into a sweet, upstanding man. You hold on to him, Ceren. The irony in his relationship with Serkan is just outstanding to me, because ALL of this started because Serkan was willing to upend his own life (and Selin, Ferit and Eda's) will the sole goal of keeping Ferit out of his business, and now here we are 24 episodes later, Selin is long gone, Eda is the love of his life, and Ferit has turned into a solid, trust-worthy business partner and friend who is putting Babaanne in her place on the first day. Love to see it.

Balca, that snake just gets more unhinged as we go along. Good GAWD. WTF is wrong with her? Her eventual comeuppance better be big. I'm really to the point that I can't enjoy any scene that she's in, it's just too maddening, because neither Serkan nor Eda are taking her seriously enough. Which I realize they don't know what we know, but dang I hope Serkan is finally connecting the dots because her behavior is not normal. As Eda says, who gives a gift like that to their boss? Who calls their new boss instead of the police when there's an intruder in the house? By now he should be able to figure out she's manipulating him.

Also how was she not daunted when she called and Eda was there? What did she think would happen when he came to get the gift when he had Eda to get home to? On top of everything else she's shameless and delusional. As for the gift, that was creepy AF. Did she seriously think that her boss, who she's known a week, would be romanced by that? Or any man for that matter? Did Selin give her the impression he was so arrogant that this would be the perfect thing for him? As much as I want less of her on screen, I would like to know the thought process behind that embarrassing monstrosity. Because it was not a savvy move. But the good news is that no one was more creeped out by it than Serkan Bolat. It seemed to really unsettle him, which it should. It was nice to see Eda getting over her jealousy, perhaps that came with her decision to try and move forward. Before she was in this state of flux, deep-down wanting Serkan to be hers, but not being able to admit that and feeling an outside threat during that confusion.

I saw some criticism of Eda because she was openly mocking and dismissive of Balca. However, while I agree her behavior was a tad immature at times... Balca was totally asking for it. She's been at the company for mere days and her weird, manipulative, obsessive behavior is totally inappropriate. Also if she didn't take a hint from Eda opening mocking her, Eda picking out her gift from Serkan, Serkan deferring queries about his NYE plans to Eda, Eda being at his house when Balca called, I think we can safely say that Balca in unaffected by any of Eda's behavior, thus Eda isn't hurting anyone. While Balca is over here, claws out, trying to start a war. Balca is the villain here, not Eda for recognizing and making fun of it.

Despite the emotional inconsistencies between Eda and Serkan in this episode, during one scene they were hot, the next, one or the other was cold without rhyme or reason, there were many great conversations. I really enjoyed their conference room scenes in particular. Serkan confident and calming her down, Eda being enraged by Babaanne, but listening to him and letting him calm her down.

His little Eda Bolat coffee cup gag was priceless, he did succeed in both diverting her and flirting with her in one suave move. Also a nice bit of foreshadowing there, which there was a lot of this episode. Not just this and the bouquet catch, but also every single one of their domestic scenes.

As I said in this post, the rewrite, or whatever happened this episode, did cause some pretty big emotional inconsistencies from scene to scene. I know most people loved the scenes when Eda went to find Serkan, but it was a little whiplashy for me. We go from Serkan being calm and collected and happily flirting with her about being Eda Bolat at the office, to a short time later him being moody and standoffish with her at his house? It's understandable that he would be upset at her suggestion that she leave the company, but I would think the man that broke her heart for her own good, would understand why she might think of leaving in order to get rid of someone who is threatening him!

It just felt like a weird time for him to hit his threshold with her, especially since this was when they were supposed to be heading to Paris (huge writing fail that there was no "Oh I guess we have to postpone Paris" throwaway line). However, perhaps that was accelerated for him in the face of a real threat? Like if it was just another day he's fine with her waffling and their little contract game, but he feels in his bones that this is go time and he needs to find out if she's ready for what's coming? (Look at me finding reasons for the inconsistencies as I answer this ask, lmao).

Then the shaving scene was interesting. She starts by saying "Leaving was a dumb idea, I'm still here, I'll be by your side," which YAY and seems to me to be a huge step forward for her.... but then he doesn't feel it. Why exactly, didn't he feel it? So then she transitions to the biggest head scratcher of the episode for me, and I really hope it's a translation fail. She basically references the movie they saw and says, "If I could erase all memories of you, I would." Um... what? Is she really saying to him she wishes they never met? I sure hope there was some modifier in there, like "bad" memories only or something. It seemed way harsh and inconsistent with their feelings for one another. However, once he starts talking about being a machine before meeting her and his heart being too heavy without her, the dialogue is pretty great. He really bares his soul and she reciprocates with intimacy. The second half of this scene is absolutely lovely.

The visit to Aydan's house was interesting. At some point I'm gonna need Aydan and especially Ayfer to step up when it comes to Babaanne. Ayfer ran scared the whole episode and it's just not fair of her to leave the burden on Eda. Hopefully, she'll get there. There was a reason Babaanne told Eda not to tell Ayfer about the threats, and threatened harm to Serkan and family if she did so. I'm guessing Ayfer may be better equipped to deal with her mother than was suggested in this episode. The conversation about Eda running from her grandmother as a child and losing the bracelet was very affecting and well done, and thankfully Serkan was out of his sulky mood and in full-on supportive boyfriend mode. Phew, good to have you back, Serkan.

That throne Babaanne brought in was something else. Worth a good laugh. However, I feel like it highlights a few cracks we've already started to see in Babaanne's scary façade. First, there's the one I just talked about, with Babaanne not wanting Ayfer to know what she's up to, so we now know who might be successful in opposing her or might know things that could shut her down.. her daughter. Then this ridiculous throne move had to be her way of unsettling everyone, but as we see that fails with Serkan. He's pretty unflappable when it comes to her nonsense antics.

Then Babaanne singles out Balca as her ally, which on one hand, it was astute of her to figure out who was the outsider, ripe for the picking, but she straight up choose the wack job, who let's face it, is not going to be all that competent of a foot soldier for her, because she has no allies and she's not in anyone's confidence. Plus she made that critical error with the present being so off-putting to Serkan. Balca might be able to cause problems, but she can’t get Serkan to transfer his affection for Eda onto her, so her usefulness here is limited. Babanne needed to try and fool someone like Melo, Ferit or Leyla. Prey on the nice ones who might try to be accommodating just so everyone gets along.

Anyway, I loved the Edser scenes in the office, he brought her lemon water! My heart. And I loved the meeting with the inner circle. Serkan has a plan! Of course our boy does, he wouldn't be Serkan Bolat if he didn't. It's always fun to see how much they all trust him to lead them through these tough times. He will once again emerge victorious. It just may take some time on this one

Note Blaca wasn't invited to that meeting, someone already can sense she can't be trusted. In the meeting later with Babaanne, I loved how Eda was sitting next to Serkan at the head of the table, totally squared off against her grandmother. That blocking was not by accident. It showed them facing her. On the same side. Together. United. That's what we call foreshadowing and that's how they're ultimately going to defeat her. Together.

It's interesting to me that earlier in the day when Eda tells him maybe she should leave the company he gets upset, but when she shows up at his house and straight up says they can't be together, he's completely calm and is his normal confident self, talking her into staying the night with his usual ease. I'm thinking her manic rambling about him getting tired of her and her grandmother separating them was just too obvious of an emotional spiral after an exhausting day (that lasted 47 years and multiple wardrobe changes) so he didn't take any of it to heart.

As for the reason she needed a place to stay, WTF is Ayfer doing letting Babaanne stay in their home?? Kick her out for the love of God. I don't mind, since it gave us this fabulous sleepover, but come on woman, at one time you were strong enough to remove your niece from her which could not have been easy, where is your backbone now? Find it. Fast.

LOVED LOVED LOVED every second of domestic Edser. How cute are they? Serkan wheeling her dinosaur suitcase was so adorable. And how cute is it that he bought hot chocolate for her? And THEN, THEN when they went to look at the stars? My heart melted clean out of my chest when he said, "I'm already looking at the most beautiful star." Remember in 13 when he asked her, "How are you real?" and she basically told him to be careful or she'd get spoiled and expect that kind of romance all the time? Well apparently the romantic robot has an endless capacity to generate heart-stopping one-liners so she really needn't have worried.

Eda's phone call with the girls was another whiplash moment for me. So wait... all episode her trepidation has been around her grandmother interfering or Serkan getting tired of her, but now she's back to wondering if he can change? Ne? And she isn't articulating what she wants him to change, or talking to him about change at all, only asking her friends if they think it's possible?? The change thing made perfect sense to me in eps 20-22, because she was coming off of his lie that broke her heart, but now I can't figure out what she wants from him. I think this is another casualty of whatever writing changes happened in this episode. I really hope the writers pull it together and figure out what the character's headspace is and stick with it. It's one thing to yo-yo from episode to episode, but to yo-yo scene to scene is too much.

I know that they're trying to create suspense for whether she would meet him to ring in the New Year, and start fresh, but there are much more elegant ways to do this than constant retread conversations that don't make sense in context with the scenes that came before. Honestly, this episode had a LOT of wonderful scenes and humor and heartfelt moments, but it also felt like a franken-episode, like if different writers were assigned different scenes and then they assembled the episode without going back to smooth out the tone and emotions.

That leads us to Serkan discovering Eda in the bath. What do we think was going through his mind there? lmao. He looked exceptionally pleased and he did the jokey flirty thing, taking a mental picture, but then when she comes downstairs in her jammies, he has gone into stone-cold work robot mode. I suppose the best I can guess is that he knew she was confused, he knew he had convinced her to stay under the guise it would be platonic and the "last time."

He's always been a gentleman with her. So perhaps he felt compelled, for her sake, to keep it in that place, but seeing her in the bath send him into overdrive and the only thing he could do is throw himself into work to make sure the situation didn't go any further before she was fully ready? That's my best attempt at explaining it. Still she was flirting hardcore with him when she came downstairs, it feels like that was the moment he's been waiting for since episode 19, and he let it sail by. Ah well, at some point soon both their engines will be revving at the same time and we’ll finally get to the sexy times.

The next morning was 100% adorable. Serkan Bolat serving breakfast in bed. I swoon! What a sweetheart, because I'm pretty certain that Serkan does NOT like crumbs in his bed so this was a big gesture. And you could see how much she appreciated it, despite teasing him about the portion size. Eda, that breakfast would have been just fine by me, but if the girl has a big appetite, so be it.

Also, Edacim, it would be a lot easier to buy your "confusion" if you hadn't brought him a heartfelt gift that would have taken a good while, like weeks, to procure and then sketched in it for him!!!! She had to have been planning that for some time. Anyway, a very sweet gift and one of those moments where actions speak louder than words. We all want to hear Eda say the words "I Love You," but she just said it very loudly here in the form of this gift. Even if she wasn't fully aware she was saying it. It's obvious where her heart is, she just has to give herself permission to follow it.

This ep also brought the funny when half the cast of characters barged in on Edser’s little love nest. Good for both Eda and Serkan for refusing to be a part of the subterfuge for Babaanne. I'm hopeful we're going into a secret relationship/engagement storyline, but at this point I like that neither were cowing to her. Eda is an adult and it's nobody's business but her own where she stays the night!

It cracks me up that Eda and Serkan were discombobulated by the intrusion, had the silent #married conversation, and headed upstairs together. Mostly because they are the two in the dark, what are they going to figure out by going upstairs alone? What they really needed was to talk to any of the other people to find out what in the hell was happening. Not that I blame them for wanting to escape that scene together. However, what was beautiful was their connection in these scenes. They were functioning as partners, as each other's person, as the one each turns to when they need support (or escape). And that's really saying something since they were in a room full of the people they're both closest too.

Finally, I'm glad they spoiled the final scene in the fragman, because I would have been too stressed watching Balca's psychotic efforts in keeping Serkan away from the party, and Eda, if I hadn't known he would make it. As it was, it was too much to watch. They've done absolutely nothing to make her even a little sympathetic. I feel zero empathy for her, I don't understand why she's willing to take these risks. No man is worth it, girl! Especially not a man you just decided you wanted because of his initials! The character needs to serve her purpose and go. Soon.

As for Serkan making it in time, THANK GOODNESS. I don't think Eda could have handled being stood up again. Even taking her call was a mistake. That's why we have voicemail, Serkan. And clearly he should have called the police on his way. I sincerely hope that he finds out the break-in was a fake and that's what makes him realize what level of crazy he's dealing with. I assume, because he didn't know what else to do, he left Balca in his home and that's what he wanted to tell Eda right before the police arrived. I shudder to think what damage she might do there alone. Installing a hidden mic or camera for Babaanne? Going through his things? Planting more items. Ew. If that spec is right the place will need to be fumigated.

Serkan's gift was, of course, perfection. Talk about love in gift form, and did you notice that one of the charms was an "E" and one was an "S"? A sweet, heart-felt detail and a nice little nod to which initials really matter on this show. Interestingly, after a full episode of inner turmoil, once Serkan arrived, Eda seemed to be all-in. She was bubbly and happy to see him and definitely acting like he was her date. And then the hug! Finally! They've obviously been physically close in recent post-break up episodes, for example elevator, pottery, dancing, skating, but what a relief to finally have this pure, intentional display of affection from her to him. Also a cheek kiss! This show, I swear it makes me grateful for the most chaste of moments.

As I said in another ask, I think the, "Will you be my girlfriend?" was in Serkan's head. We didn't see him say it, she didn't respond and the audio was hollow like it was a thought or memory or dream. However, what I can't answer is why we heard that. Why put it in there? We know he wants them to get back together, so that line doesn't inform the audience of anything they don't already know. So maybe proposal foreshadowing? On the other hand, there is the line earlier in the episode that was voice over added after the fact (when Edser are in the small conf room and Serkan says he’s going home) so maybe they added the audio after the scene for some reason? I don’t know with this episode anything is possible.

Then, of course, Babaanne ruins their moment with her evil plan. Next episode will she be sitting on her throne stroking a hairless cat Because it feel like Babaanne may like a bit of evil aura to surround her. Anyway, next stop... jail! I'm honestly excited to see how the next ep plays out. We're going to go through some things, so prepare your soul, but I honestly think we may end the ep in a better place. (new cliffhanger notwithstanding) We shall see.

#Edser #sen cal kapimi #Sen Çal Kapımı #sckask #sck 1x24 #sck episode discussion #edser discussion #asklizac #Anonymous

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wangxiangiftexchange · 4 years ago

Text

Lunar New Year Gift for vedrividia!

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji; past Wei Wuxian/Other (implied) Rating: Mature Warnings: brief depiction of sexual harassment, brief instance of misgendering, implied/referenced past suicide attempt, implied/referenced past sexual assault (off-screen), implied/referenced past forced pregnancy (off screen), implied/referenced underage sex & pregnancy (off-screen), alcoholism, coming out, implied/referenced homophobia Other Tags: trans male character, disabled character, gay male character, open ending, unreliable narrator, angst, tender, chance meeting, confession, reunion, character with incomplete spinal cord injury, iSCI, it probably sounds darker than it is

Summary: On the last eve before spring Wei Ying finds himself at the end of a road. What awaits him on the other side depends on the steps he takes to cross it. Someone walks beside him.

Disclaimer: I am neither Chinese, trans nor disabled. All of the portrayal in this fic is based on research. It's not my intent to offend and I'm open to critique as long as it's respectful and constructive. Wei Ying's journey is his own and does not represent all of the disabled or trans community. The fic is set in a world that closely resembles ours, but where corona never happened and maybe China's laws are just a little less restrictive (but still very phobic), so bear that in mind. I do not own any of the characters.

Notes - Beginning: The idea of trans male Wei Ying had been stuck in my head for a while now, and I've been wanting to try my hand at a trans story, because I've never done that before. This assignment was an opening to do that in a darker, more serious setting. I have also wanted to explore Wei Ying's suicidal issues while translating his story into a modern setting for some time (it was supposed to be a coffee shop AU, only the coffee shop never appeared hah). It was simultaneously hard and fun to write, and I'm grateful for it. @vedrividia, I hope you like it!

In the past I didn't feel like I could do a good job at representing anyone of an identity I couldn't quite empathize with. Since then I've surrounded myself with trans inclusive media, and followed transgender blogs and channels, and I hope that this fic does right by all of them.

I am aware of some of the potentially problematic topics, but I also didn't want to ignore all the challenges and abuse and trauma that trans folk are forced to endure on a daily basis. (Did you know that trans people have some of the highest suicide rates, and likely to have alcohol issues? Making everyone happy and nothing hurt felt all kinds of wrong knowing that.) I believe that representing both - an ideal world alongside the real and flawed one - is important.

Positive stories are also important - this is one. Or at least I hope I was able to make it one.

On a more cheerful note, there are pictures that served as an inspiration for this story, namely this photoset (especially the pic in the leather jacket, the one on the couch and the close up) done in faceapp by a genius, this brain-frying picture, and of course this picture from the Harper's Bazaar Photoshoot that none of us are over. I completely blame Xiao Zhan's androgyny.

Last but not least, I owe a massive thanks to Laura for the amazing beta they did on a rather short notice and brought this fic to another level. Thank you for your hard work!!! :)

End notes: Wei Ying has an incomplete spinal cord injury in the lumbar area (at L1 or L2). I didn't realize that I played myself when I gave him an incomplete injury, because the lack of references and information is in terms of quantity a total opposite to everything available on complete SCI. Which in turn made the telling of such a story feel even more important. If any of you know of a good resource for the daily life of people with iSCI, I'm all ears.

Even researching the walking aides was a challenge, since most information is on wheelchair dependent people, which Wei Ying is not. He has a wheelchair but he refuses to use it, for several reasons, one of them being image, another being worry of atrophy. He likes a good walk, and there's progress thanks to physical therapy, most of which is covered by insurance. I was debating an exoskeleton/brace for him, but from what I gathered they aren't really useful for SCI (I welcome any additional info about this), and those that would be cost a ton and aren't covered by insurance - which is a big factor for Wei Ying. The toss ended up being between forearm crutches and a walking frame, but in the end I decided on crutches, because it seemed like Wei Ying would prefer them? For now? With crutches he can pretend, and I also didn't know to what extent a walking frame would be insurance covered (in China), and whether he'd be at a point where he would accept one. (I imagine the simple ones would be covered by insurance, the question is whether they make a huge difference to crutches, and whether a rollator - with wheels and a seat is something that would count as 'necessary' in this case.)

However, once again, I am not adequately educated on all that goes into the decision making here. No one ever mentions things like these in success stories. In the end I left it as a room for future development. I'm pretty sure Wen Qing is trying to convince him to get one.

I was debating whether to tag dysphoria. While it is not explicitly stated in the fic, Wei Ying does experience it, although this has gotten better since he realized being trans, came out and started testosterone. His decision to not transition fully is one that many trans people make at a point in their lives, for any number of reasons. This does not mean he'll never change his mind, or won't explore other forms of expression. It's a choice that the current Wei Ying is making, completely independent of future Wei Ying.

It's possible in China to get a gender confirmation surgery, but the requirements sound like a nightmare. The first thing you have to do is get diagnosed with 'gender disorder', be five years in (unsuccessful) therapy for it, at least 20 and unmarried. If he decides to transition fully to a male presenting body he can only marry someone who is biologically female in the future, under Chinese law. (Imagine having to divorce your significant other in order to be who you are. Imagine having to make this decision. It makes me want to write fic about it.)

It also costs a ton, as none of it is covered by insurance. You can only start hormone therapy in order to get surgery, which leads a lot of trans people to acquire hormones illegally and without medical counseling. I purposefully did not decide where Wei Ying gets his T from. I didn't want him to not have it, but I left the how undecided. For the most part I headcanon it as one of the things that make my world a little different, since hormone therapy is a thing that exists outside of transitioning as well. E.g. many female athletes use testosterone to boost their performance, and many other women take it for various medical reasons. I feel like WWX could find ways to acquire some. Now, whether this would be legal or not is left open.

By the way? Never, EVER deadname. Just don't. The moment someone comes out to you as trans, tells you their pronouns and name, that's what you use. You forget everything that came prior to that, wipe it out of your memory, it's ashes on the sands of time unless stated otherwise BY THEM, got it?

Now, Wei Ying's case. I was hesitant about how to approach this, but from the start I knew two things. I wanted the same kind of intimacy of WWX & LWJ calling each other by their birth names as in canon, but I also didn't want to go the way most authors go in this case i.e. splitting the names to pre- and post- transition. It is my understanding that most Chinese names are unisex (if anyone has more info on this, I'd love to have it), or can be used for all genders, and I didn't want to force a gender issue where there wasn't one. However, I also wanted something parallel that could be used in a similar way. What I came up with is what you see in text. While Wei Ying did change his name, the only reason why it's still somewhat okay to use 'Wuxian' is because he explicitly says he likes it. In fact, in my head somewhere in the imagined future of this verse, he and JFM have a conversation about it where JFM tells him if he wants it, it can still be his name - he didn't give it to an image, but a person. IDK how well any of this works, or translates to actual trans or Chinese (or trans and Chinese) people, so if you have words for me, let me know.

On a side note, in 2015 China lifted the one-child policy in favor of a two-child policy. A-Yuan was born in 2017.

Wei Ying attempted suicide between the 4th and 8th week of his pregnancy. During the early weeks the probability of a fetus surviving a major fall (even a fall from stairs) is significantly higher than later in the pregnancy, and the scaffolding he jumped from wasn't actually that high. I'm also considering that there might have been something to cushion the fall that he hadn't noticed (a stray rope, or a net) or been aware of (like padding on the stage), but that's a detail I decided to leave to your imagination. On the other hand, sustaining a SCI during early pregnancy is likely to have fatal consequences, as I found out a week before the deadline. In the end, they both got very lucky. Wei Ying spent the next 3 months in a coma. When he woke up it was too late to terminate. Jiang Fengmian had been adamant that the decision not be made without Wei Ying's consent, which was nice of him, but also ended up making the decision for Wei Ying regardless.

Last but not least, if you've read this and feel like you have something to add, I love any kind of comments, whether you wanna review the fic, have some useful information for me, would like to discuss a point or just like to say hi! :)

*****

Transverse

If asked, Wei Ying wouldn't have remembered how he had gotten to the bar. He didn't remember taking a different route on the short walk back home, he hadn't even been aware there was a bar in the first place. He only remembered suddenly standing in front of it, aching to his bones, limbs leaden with a familiar exhaustion, morose and longing for nothing more than a little break. His back was on fire, his leg was throbbing, the skin underneath his binder wouldn’t stop itching and to top it off his stomach had been cramping in a way it wasn't supposed to anymore. His body had decided to give him a wonderful gift for the holiday. Wei Ying wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy, and that spoke volumes to anyone who knew who occupied that position.

Needless to say, he was desperate for a drink.

The bar was almost empty so early in the afternoon, and shortly before the holiday, all the regulars had likely gone home to see their families. It was the time of reunions, the golden week of spring knocking on the door. The whole town looked empty, seemingly asleep and abuzz at the same time, a strange kind of liminal space born in the atmosphere of the coming celebrations, quiet with contained impatience. He had been painfully aware of it the entire week, the turning of another year leaving him nothing to do but watch people go where Wei Ying couldn't return anymore.

The Lunar New Year always made him hurt worse than usual, in more ways than purely physical. Wei Ying had felt that strange air peak today, even in the confines of his tiny office at the back of the Pacific Coffee branch he had been working at for a little over two months. It was a tiny thing on the busiest street of their small town, smelling of comfort in the wee hours of the morning and of salvation late in the evening. The staff had needed support with handling the supply chain, so that they could focus on serving the staggering amount of customers that came in all day.

It had seemed perfect when Wei Ying had first limped inside on his forearm crutches, with a letter of recommendation, feeling smaller than an ant but significantly less tough. The reintegration program had been a lifeline thrown to a drowning man when he had first heard about it. It had been the opportunity to restart his life. Earn an income. Be independent. In time maybe even repay his friends for the kindness they had shown when he had nowhere to go. Now? Now he wasn't sure that he'd still have a job after the holiday was over.

"This really can't go on," his boss had said, midway through the most gruesome shift the shop had ever witnessed. "Half the supplies came in wrong, for the third time this week!"

Sometimes, Wei Ying wondered why he still bothered. He could probably survive on aid and love for himself, and the Wens made enough to take care of the rest. It just… It could have been nice. To be the one to take care of the people he cared about, for a change.

He really needed that drink.

The whiskey looked enticing from where he was half-sitting, half-leaning on a stool, crutches stashed between his legs. He could almost taste it, the phantom of the sharp flavor burning his tongue.

"Hi, darling." An unfamiliar voice startled him out of his thoughts, causing him to tense. He had been aware of the middle-aged man at the counter, but he hadn't been paying him much attention until now. "Can I buy you a drink? How about Sex on the Beach?"

It was difficult to control himself at that tasteless, juvenile joke. Wei Ying could almost taste the bile rising in his throat and the beginnings of what would no doubt become a pounding headache throbbing in his temples. Great. Just what he had needed.

The whiskey bottle called out to him again, beckoning him to the bitter burn.

A drink. That was what he needed - a drink.

Do you really? Need it? The voice of his therapist came to his mind, sudden and uninvited.

"Hey bartender!" The man called out in the most unwelcome case of accidental telepathy in the history of mankind, sneaking one arm around Wei Ying’s waist, a sweaty hand settling on his hip. "One Sex on the Beach for the miss, on my tab!"

There was the rising bile again, tension squeezing his muscles, and the flash of a haughty smirk at the furthest back of his mind. This wasn't what he wanted. None of it. Neither the touch nor the drink, no matter what his mind wanted to convince him of.

It's easier to need than the things that take hard work, the ones you have to earn. It had taken him a long time to admit that.

"I don't drink." Wei Ying said, angling his head as much as the muscles of his neck permitted to look at the guy invading his personal space squarely. "Remove your hand now."

The guy bristled.

"Hey, chill out, sweetheart." He was quick to regain his composure with an awkward laugh and not enough common sense. Wei Ying supposed he must have been used to rejection. Too bad. "You're so tense… Maybe a virgin cocktail then."

His crutch shot up before the full sentence was out.

The man stumbled back with a startled yelp as the rubber point connected with his chest in a sharp jab.

"Hey! What's your problem?!"

"I said I don't drink." Wei Ying was completely unapologetic, still holding his crutch like a sword, but the guy was already walking away, muttering ‘fucking bitch’ under his breath.

"You alright there, girl?"

His gut clenched at the words.

He looked up to meet the only slightly worried, but otherwise unbothered gaze of the bartender and told himself it wasn't her fault. She probably wasn't even aware. He knew he didn't… There was no way for him to pass. There was nothing he could do about that, had already decided not to, not at this time, not in this country. Wei Ying didn't expect people to know on sight. He didn't. It didn't change the fact though that every single misnomer felt like someone was peeling his skin off.

"I'm not a girl," he said to her almost too quietly, but he knew she heard when he met her gaze. A strained silence passed between them in which Wei Ying watched her frown in confusion, then sputter with the loss of words, before awkwardly shuffling off. He smiled wryly. How funny. It really wasn't anything complicated, and yet… So few were able to comprehend.

Wordlessly, Wei Ying slid off the stool and made his way out of the bar as quick as his crutches let him be.

Once outside, the crisp air mercilessly purifying, he realized how close to the edge he had gotten once again. He had to stop doing this. He couldn't afford another fall, another spiral back down the drain. Not when he had just clawed his way out. Not when he had people depending on him now. Tiny people with curious gray eyes, so much like his own. Waiting for him at home.

Something icy touched his face and instinctively he looked up only to find it snowing.

That explained the ache.

The cold always made him feel sore, although he knew at least some of it was phantom pain. He hadn’t retained a whole lot of feeling in his left leg, beyond a tingle that had become almost constant and the occasional twitch. His right leg was fine, it just tended to ache a lot, to a point where Wei Ying sometimes found himself wishing it wasn't better off than the other one. But then he wouldn't get away with 'forgetting' his wheelchair at home, so he quickly dismissed that thought. Besides, there were plenty of people who had it worse. He, at least, could still walk. He could still stand. Kinda. He had no room to complain.

After all, he had done this to himself.

'It's better this way.' He remembered thinking, standing on the top of the catwalk stairs backstage of the high school auditorium. 'A-jie, Jiang Cheng,… Lan Zhan. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. I love you. I'll get out of your hair now.'

In the end it had been easy to tip backwards and let himself fall.

Waking up had been the hard part. Not only had he failed, but every reason that had pushed him to end it all had only been made worse. Worse still, after. He had lived though, so that was that. There was no utility in regret. He couldn't go back. The only way was forward now, step by painful step. Standing around and staring at the snow falling was nice, but it wouldn't make the walk shorter. Home wasn't far away. He'd take it slow. He'd be there before he knew it.

He barely took three steps before he felt someone's broad shoulder bump against his, his equilibrium yanked roughly from under his feet.

He remembered falling.

Not the act of it, nor every thought and feeling that preceded it, but he remembered the soft pressure at his skull as he tipped backwards, the endless instant of the free fall, a moment frozen in time. Not the impact, but the inevitability of it, coming, coming, almost there. The loss of control. The frightening, exhilarating realization of his absolute surrender. Not the oblivion that followed but the fragments of muddled awareness afterwards. Disorientation, rock bottom and the overwhelming sense of failure.

It had felt nothing like now.

He felt the loss of ground beneath his feet, the scrape of concrete against his palms, as he all but starfished onto the pavement. A sharp pain. The frustrated annoyance of another thing gone wrong in the long list that made up the day.

Only the failure felt the same, funny that.

"I'm sorry!" Said a deep voice. "I wasn't looking."

"Yeah, no shit." He chuckled, because really, who could have guessed.

"Here, let me help." There were hands on his arm, just as he propped himself up, but he yanked it away.

"I'm fine!" He wasn't helpless. He wasn't, dammit! He had his arms, his abdominals, and most of his legs. Getting up from the ground wasn't such a herculean task for him as for those who depended on a wheelchair. He didn't have to call an ambulance just because he starfished. He didn't need any help at all here, especially not the help of some ditzy stranger with their head in the clouds…

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Ying froze.

Few people on this Earth called him that, and none of them had a voice like that. He looked up to see glowing amber on a face carved out of a dream.

"Lan Zhan?"

Of all the people to be in town today of all days, the least likely would have to be Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, his former senior, Lan Zhan, his best friend. Lan Zhan, whom he had told his secrets, Lan Zhan, who he… who he…

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… Can I kiss you? I understand you don't like me that way, and it's fine, I'm fine, really, but… uhm… It's supposed to be special. The first kiss. I… I want it to be yours. Just one kiss." A child he barely remembered had wanted and wanted, never satisfied. "Ah, it's okay if you don't want to. I get it. It's fine. I'm just being selfish."

But that had been a long time ago. A person he didn't know, a past life that had never truly been. Not for him in any case.

Lan Zhan was looking at him like a ghost had appeared in front of him.

Although, ghosts didn't need crutches. Honestly, Wei Ying did wish he could float quite frequently.

Face twisted in sardonic amusement at that childish wish, he pulled himself up with some maneuvering and a lot of effort. This seemed to wake Lan Zhan from his daze as he quickly followed. Wei Ying didn't miss the sweeping gaze as his once friend took him in, wondering what he saw. A stranger, perhaps? A new person? Him? Wei Ying knew he hadn't changed much on the outside, aside the obvious and maybe in his weight distribution, but Lan Zhan had always had the ability to look past the surface. Was he still able to do that? Or was he just taking in his appearance, assessing his matted, worn out body that seemed to show every year that had passed multiplied by ten? Wei Ying was aware that time had not been the kindest to him, but he was hanging on. He was past the worst now. He was doing better. He was!

He wondered if Lan Zhan still could see that too.

"Wei Ying." His name again, spoken with enough wonder to give Wei Ying the courage to meet his gaze. There was an unspoken question in it.

"Yeah," Wei Ying answered and felt the cusp of a smile pull at the corners of his lips. "Long time no see, Lan Zhan. Fancy meeting you here."

"I really like you, Lan Zhan," the person he didn't know had said, red faced with embarrassment and a shaking voice. "I mean like… like like."

Back then he had believed that moment to be the most nerve-wracking experience he was ever going to survive. Today he missed his naivety.

Lan Zhan gave him a look like he just realized it was really Wei Ying standing in front of him. Like he still could barely believe it. It unraveled a completely different ache in Wei Ying. They had been close once, and though they had always shared their secrets, Wei Ying had seen him so open and unguarded but once.

"I...like...boys," had been the answer. The refusal so, so gentle, unable to accept, thus giving something of equal value in return instead. A truth for a truth, a secret for a secret. "Wei Ying, I'm gay."

Lan Zhan, always figuring things out so quickly, always willing to accept reality no matter how hard it was. Wei Ying hadn't known back then. If he had known… Who knew what would have been then. It didn't matter anymore. It was a life long gone. What remained of it were a few good memories, some of them he wasn't sure were real.

Now, chance had made them cross paths once again, at a liminal space transversing through time.

"Are you hurt?" Lan Zhan's voice brought him back from his thoughts, and Wei Ying looked where he was reaching for his scraped hands and knees.

Lan Zhan, always the same Lan Zhan… "Not selfish."

So wonderful and kind and warm.

"Eh, I'm fine. Nothing Wen Qing can't fix." He brushed his former friend off, noticing how Lan Zhan's eyebrow seemed to go up infinitesimally at the mention of his old classmate and promptly changed the subject. "What brings you to Yiling, Lan Zhan? Shouldn't you be with your family for Chun Jie?"

"I…" Lan Zhan looked away. "Didn't get an earlier flight."

That sounded suspicious, especially since the Lan Zhan Wei Ying knew liked to plan ahead. But Wei Ying wasn't the same he had been, maybe Lan Zhan wasn't either. People were allowed to change. It also didn't answer what he was doing in Yiling in the first place, but Wei Ying wasn't forcing him to tell. Wei Ying had never wanted to force Lan Zhan into anything, he wasn't going to start now.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan looked at him again, this time meeting his eyes squarely. He paused. "How have you been?"

Wei Ying felt the loom of a shadow over him, and his gaze dropped to the ground for a second.

"As you can see." He put a reassuring smile on his face as he summoned enough will to hold Lan Zhan's gaze. "Still alive and kicking."

Which was probably much more than the last time Lan Zhan had heard of him.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see you. After." The what remained unspoken. Lan Zhan's kind heart hadn't changed. Wei Ying sought comfort in it, warmed by the thought of his best friend trying to get in touch even after everything went to hell. "I was told you… left."

Wei Ying made a soft sound of affirmation through the small smile that had spread on his face. "I moved out on my eighteenth birthday. Aunt Yu… I was supposed to stay till graduation, but... ah. I fucked up. Colossally."

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan remained the only person Wei Ying knew who managed to frown without a single crease on his face. "You were recovering."

"It was fine, Lan Zhan." Wei Ying chuckled even as he held back a sigh. Lan Zhan didn't know half of it. "I moved in with the Wens."

There was a pause.

"With Wen Qing?" Lan Zhan asked and Wei Ying realized that small detail wouldn't have been immediately clear to him, all things considered.

"With Wen Qing and her family." He nodded. After a moment of thought he added. "Not Wen Chao. I know nothing about that douchebag."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed and it sounded so wholehearted that it startled a laugh out of Wei Ying.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, feeling truly light for the first time in a long time. The smile he gave Lan Zhan felt warm and genuine. He hoped Lan Zhan saw it too, and didn't think Wei Ying was trying to shake him off, when he spoke next. "It's so good to see you. You're the best thing that happened to me today. I would love to catch up, but they're waiting for me at home and I'm already late."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. There was a pause. Then, just as Wei Ying was about to ask for his number, "I could. Walk you. If you like."

"I thought you had a flight to catch." Wei Ying wanted to smack his mouth for how hopeful he sounded.

"Mn," Lan Zhan said. "In the evening."

"Lan Zhan!" He startled, amused and surprised at the same time. "And here I thought your bedtime was nine! Don't tell me you crossed to the dark side."

"It is Chuxi." Lan Zhan's voice was soft with a playful note, and Wei Ying felt his heart turn all over again even as he laughed.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan…" A smile spread on his face. "Alright then. I'd love to have your company. If you're sure."

"I am," Lan Zhan answered. "I would… very much like to… catch up with you."

"Well then." Wei Ying's smile broadened and started again in the direction he was heading earlier. "Right this way, sir. But I'm warning you. I'm basically a snail now."

For a beat there was silence, in which Wei Ying figured that Lan Zhan was probably looking for a proper response. He still didn't know how to handle self-deprecating humor, then. Wei Ying chuckled quietly to himself. The more things change…

"That is alright," Lan Zhan finally said. "I have time."

"Oh, do you? That's great!" Wei Ying grinned from ear to ear, marveling at how easy it suddenly was. "Aah, Lan Zhan I really missed this!"

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed but didn't say anything else.

For a few moments silence reigned again, of a comfortable kind. One that allowed Wei Ying to bask in the startling, almost miraculous presence of his best friend. Or it would have been, had Wei Ying not been keenly aware of Lan Zhan's intense stare.

"Do I really look that bad?" He teased, hoping to give Lan Zhan the opening he probably needed to ask whatever questions he had. "I've actually gained weight over Dongzhi you know."

Lan Zhan blinked, as if startled to be called out. Wasn't he aware that he had been staring? Or had he not expected Wei Ying to say something?

"You look…" he started, then swept his gaze over Wei Ying.

"Tired?" Wei Ying offered, keeping the humor in his words. The last thing he wanted Lan Zhan to think was that he needed to sugar coat his words around him now. "Stressed? Battle worn?"

"Different," Lan Zhan finished.

"Ah." Wei Ying breathed out, something in his chest tightening. "Good different, or bad different?"

Lan Zhan looked at him for a long moment.

"Different you," he finally answered. A pause. "More you."

Wei Ying's breath stuttered, a small questioning sound dragging itself up his throat.

"Wei Ying…" Lan Zhan hesitated for a brief moment, unsure. "May I know your pronouns?"

Always so straight to the point.

"Pro… Pronouns?!" Wei Ying chuckled but even he could hear the nerves buzzing through that sound. "How did you figure that?"

Lan Zhan just kept looking at him. Wei Ying swallowed.

"I…"

He had to know. Since he actually asked, he had to already know. Or at least suspect. Be aware. In general, or about Wei Ying? Had he realized in their years apart, or was there something about Wei Ying now that made him guess? No one has ever been able to tell upon glance. No one.

Something fluttered deep in his chest, like the jingles of a tambourine reverberating. It gave him courage.

Wei Ying took a deep, steadying breath. "He, him, Lan Zhan. It's he, him."

He managed to swallow the thousand words that dragged themselves up his throat instead of that one, simple truth. To his credit, Lan Zhan let him, waiting patiently and with complete silence for Wei Ying to say his part.

"I'm trans," Wei Ying added, finding it easier to say after the initial confession. "As in full time, on actual testosterone, trans male."

Their eyes met. A heartbeat of silence.

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "Makes sense."

Wei Ying had not expected that.

In his defense, no one had ever replied like that to him coming out.

"What?" He choked out, bewildered. Lan Zhan was giving him a gentle look, a diametrical opposite of Wei Ying's wide eyes. "Why does that make sense, Lan Zhan?"

"It didn't before." Lan Zhan's gaze dropped. "Now it does."

"What? Why?" Wei Ying repeated, not comprehending a single word his friend had said. At the back of his mind he knew he should be happy and relieved that as dear a friend as Lan Zhan accepted him, and he would be later, but now he was just confused. "Lan Zhan, what are you saying?"

"You confounded me. Before. I didn't understand. It didn't. Add up." He didn't even expect an answer beyond a shrug and an 'It just does', and yet Lan Zhan gave him one, trying to explain like he wanted Wei Ying to understand something important. Important enough to bring it up at their first chance meeting in years. It still didn't clear anything up. The way he was dragging his words out seemed odd too, for how upfront Lan Zhan usually was.

"What didn't add up?" Wei Ying asked again. What about him had confused Lan Zhan?

"I didn't know you were a boy. So it didn't make sense," Lan Zhan answered without looking up and Wei Ying felt dread tighten his stomach into a knot. "But now it does."

"What?" He frowned, the rush of blood pounding in his ears. "Lan Zhan, what are you talking about?"

Lan Zhan finally looked up at him and Wei Ying suddenly felt light headed. The grip on his crutches must have gone knuckle white from how firmly he was gripping the handles. It couldn't be…

"I was confused why I liked you," Lan Zhan whispered, dropping his gaze again. "Why I enjoyed kissing you."

Wei Ying's brain was white static.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, "No!"

His whole body wanted to recoil with shock.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan pleaded but was cut short.

"I confessed to you! I told you I liked you!" He saw the bob of Lan Zhan's throat, how his eyes fell shut as he swallowed. Wei Ying despaired for words that could express the entire scale of emotions he felt, from betrayal to hope, but mostly just... shock. "You said you… You've never… And now, after everything… Do you even… Lan Zhan!!!"

"Wei Ying," he said his name like it was all he was capable of saying, with a hitch of sudden hesitance on the last syllable, a minuscule frown around his eyes, like he realized something important. "Do you still call yourself Wei Ying?"

The quiet question conjured up another memory, of an occasion much kinder.

"It's my birth name," he heard his youthful voice, still too high although most had described it as low. Lan Zhan had raised an eyebrow at him, even more puzzled than before. Wei Ying had laughed as he went to explain. "Same character as in 'infant'. Wuxian is the name uncle Jiang gave me so that I have a better name than, you know, 'baby'. It's a cool name! I mean, 'no envy' come on! Like I have no match in the world! Totally rad, you know, uncle Jiang's naming sense is A+."

"But you prefer Wei Ying." Lan Zhan had looked at him then, searchingly and Wei Ying had looked away with a snort, to hide his swallow.

"It's a terrible name. Who the hell names their baby 'baby'?"

Lan Zhan hadn't replied anything to that, and Wei Ying still remembered his next words, and how they had burned on his tongue, how he couldn't hold them back.

"It's what the people who loved me had called me."

In the present, Wei Ying found himself laughing in spite of the utter shock. Only Lan Zhan. Only Lan Zhan would give him a heart attack first then go make sure he wasn't deadnaming him on top of everything.

"Lan Zhan!!!" He cried out. "That's so not the point right now! But, yes, I do. I changed it back, actually. Officially, I mean."

"You dislike it." It sounded more like a question than a statement, so Wei Ying answered.

"Don't get me wrong, I still think Wuxian is way cooler, and my siblings still call me that, but…" His gaze fell away from Lan Zhan to something more distant, beyond his focus as he struggled over his words, drawing them out only with great difficulty from where they were rooted deep inside of him. "It's the name given to the image of a person that never really existed. Like… the painting of a person you met in a dream. And I sorta… I like to imagine that, regardless of who I am… They would still love me."

They. The people who gave him that horrible, unimaginative name.

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed like there had never been any doubt about it. Wei Ying snorted.

"Wei Ying," there it was again, his name, spoken so kindly, if not hesitantly as Lan Zhan too seemed to be struggling for words. "I would like to apologize. I hurt you. I have been looking for you to tell you this."

All at once, Wei Ying felt his shock settle into something more profound, like the wave that had swallowed him revealing the depth of the ocean. There was nothing Lan Zhan had to apologize for. Not for the lack of awareness, and certainly not for his feelings. Even their conflicts had always stemmed from a place of deep care.

"No." Wei Ying shook his head. "Not more than I hurt myself, Lan Zhan. Even when you scolded me, you never hurt me."

Had Lan Zhan broken his heart? Yeah, he had. So what? Did that mean he could be held accountable for it? Wei Ying's feelings were his own shit to deal with, not Lan Zhan's. Returning them wasn't Lan Zhan's duty. Even if he returned them, would it be fair to fault him for running away from them? For feeling insecure and anxious about his own attraction? For not knowing these things weren't as clear cut as all the adults around them had wanted to make them believe? It wasn't like Wei Ying had known either back then. He had, perhaps, understood himself even less than Lan Zhan. Most importantly, it was all in the past now. It couldn't be changed. What they made of it now was what mattered.

"None of my bullshit is your fault," he added. "You didn't go and tell me to fuck up my life. That was all on me."

"You wrote," Lan Zhan started, then paused, hesitating, then started again. "In your letter, you wrote…"

Wei Ying picked up on the question immediately.

"Not you," he said, the same words he had penned all those years ago in what was one of only two letters. "Never you. I had my reasons, but none of them were about you. In fact, I thought of you as the last good thing in my life at that point. The one true friend I still had left."

Lan Zhan's gaze fell on his crutches, but he didn't ask. Wei Ying was grateful.

"Come on, I need to get a move on," he said, starting to walk again, smiling at the surprised expression Lan Zhan had given him, when he realized he was still welcome to accompany him. Maybe it was something about that look that made Wei Ying add, after another second of thought, "There are people waiting for my return."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hummed, falling back in step next to him. "That's good. You should have people waiting for you at home."

Wei Ying couldn't help but smile.

"Say, Lan Zhan,…" he said after a few seconds of silence, when all what Lan Zhan has confessed slowly sunk in. "When you say you've been looking for me… You mean all this time?"

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. Wei Ying watched him gather his thoughts, the snow fluttering all around them. "I wanted to see you. Ask how you were doing. See if… If you needed support. Apologize. For not being a good friend to you before."

"Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying listened to him, and when Lan Zhan finally looked up at him his gaze was so sincere that his heart ached with it.

"I wanted to tell you the truth." Lan Zhan didn't let himself be interrupted. "That I liked you back. Without any expectations. That I didn't understand, but that it didn't matter. That I could like you without understanding why. That I wasn't asking for anything, just wanted you to know. That I wanted to help, in any way you'd let me."

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying sighed, vision suddenly blurred. He drew a deep breath. "But I wasn't there."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "I asked your sister where I could find you…"

"But she didn't know," Wei Ying finished for him. No one knew, except one person. "And Jiang Cheng wouldn't give you my address if you held him at gunpoint."

"Your brother knows you're here." It had the structure of a question but it was spoken as a statement, the same kind of incredulous as the look Lan Zhan was giving him. All things considered, it was kinda fair, Wei Wuxian thought as he barked a laugh.

"Yeah," he said, shoulders shaking a little as he snickered. "He's the designated secret keeper."

Lan Zhan just stared, wordlessly.

Wei Ying's smile gained an edge at the unspoken question. He had to clear his throat before he answered. "We're… not quite alright yet, but… Ah, how do I say this? He's the better judge of the situation? With, uhm, aunt Yu, I mean. It's… complicated."

Honestly, when wasn't it?

"I… see." Lan Zhan really didn't sound like he did, but didn't press, continuing his story instead. "Your sister was able to tell me which city you were in. So I… applied for a job."

Wait. Pause. Rewind.

"You work here?!" Wei Ying felt his jaw go slack.

"As an attorney. At 'Xiao and Song'," Lan Zhan confirmed, then looked back at Wei Ying. "Civil law. With focus on LGBTQ+ rights. I passed the bar last year."

"You…" There was so much to unpack in that statement that Wei Ying couldn't quite get the words together fast enough. At the back of his mind he was aware he should probably congratulate Lan Zhan on his degree but he was too stunned by the other, more important implications. "You've moved here? For work? All because… Because… You were looking for me?"

"Mn."

"Lan Zhan!" His amazing friend who, for some reason, in spite of having a great new life had been desperate to find him. "But you… But I…"

"Wei Ying," he spoke so, so softly, but with clear intent to stop any protest Wei Ying might have wanted to utter. It worked. Wei Ying's mouth fell shut, taking his friend in with a bright, wide gaze. "I missed you. I have no expectations. I just… missed you."

Warmth spread in Wei Ying's chest over the tender words, like a dying flame rekindled.

"Lan Zhan..." He didn't quite know what to say, oddly touched. "It's how you knew, isn't it? I'm not the only trans person you've met."

"There was a client," Lan Zhan admitted. "They made me think of you. I have wanted to ask you since. I wanted to know if… If I made a mistake."

He didn't specify what mistake he feared being guilty of. He didn't really have to.

For a while Wei Ying just looked at him.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" He sighed, a small but genuine smile stealing itself onto his lips. "You… you're something else, you know that?"

Lan Zhan didn't reply, but there was something vulnerable in his expression.

"I missed you too."

Lan Zhan's eyes snapped back to Wei Ying's face, full of naked hope and a surprise so honest and pure that Wei Ying's heartstrings almost snapped. He could accept it. He could accept a friend longing for his company, even as his heart hammered against his chest like it was trying to escape its utter desolation.

"I couldn't have expected you to know something I didn't realize until much later." He hadn't realized there was tension around his friend's eyes until it relaxed.

Wei Ying took him in, his entire appearance and noted that although perfectly poised and immaculately dressed, beneath it all there was an exhaustion, a tension he didn't recognize. He thought about their meeting – the collision of two bodies launched out of their orbit – and everything else Lan Zhan had told him and a question dragged itself on his tongue that refused to be swallowed back in.

"Say, Lan Zhan… Since we are being so honest..." He asked before he could have thought better of it. "Why aren't you in Suzhou yet, for real? You always went home at least two weeks ahead of the festival. Did something happen?"

If there was something happening with Lan Zhan's family… Well, Wei Ying had missed enough opportunities to be a good friend in all the years they had been apart, or even before that. If Lan Zhan wanted to be his friend, Wei Ying was returning that tenfold. A secret for a secret, a truth for a truth.

If Lan Zhan wanted, that was.

For a second Wei Ying wasn't sure, but then the broad shoulders slumped, heaving like a weight was being lifted off them.

"I didn't always intend to go," Lan Zhan admitted. "Brother convinced me at the last moment. I wish he hadn't."

Their eyes met and Wei Ying felt a sudden heat spread through his cheeks at the intensity of Lan Zhan's gaze. He didn't take the bait, waiting patiently instead.

"I came out to my uncle. After the bar." Lan Zhan's gaze fell to the ground again, and Wei Ying already knew what he was about to say, aching dread settling painfully in his chest. "He did not… react well. He tried to set me up immediately afterwards."

"Aw man..." Wei Ying tried to sound both gentle and sympathetic without being too pitying. In his experience that never helped. "Yeah, I get that you didn't want to go home after that."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded, but said no more.

"Was she at least pretty?" Wei Ying tried to joke, unable to bear that forlorn expression on Lan Zhan's face and incapable of thinking of anything better to cheer his friend up. It would have been easy in the past, but now, with years containing entire lifetimes between them he didn't know anymore how to make Lan Zhan laugh.

But then Lan Zhan's lips twitched a little, so maybe not all was lost.

"Luo Qingyang," he answered, like Wei Ying was supposed to know the vaguely familiar name. Lan Zhan responded to his confused frown with his own and went on to explain. "You were in the drama club together. She was… Juliet. To your Romeo."

Very few guys had been in the drama club at that time, so Wei Ying had usually gotten the main male protagonist. He had loved it. It had been one of the reasons why he had joined the drama club in the first place. His co-star in all of that...

"Mianmian!" He exclaimed, eyes bright with delight. "It's been ages since I've last…"...Seen her. Seen anyone, he didn't say, schooled his expression and laughed instead. "I can't believe they tried to set you up with Mianmian! How is she?"

"Mn," Lan Zhan made a small sound out agreement that amused Wei Ying, before he answered. "She is well. Studying. Also law. She will take the bar next year."

"All of you are so smart…" Wei Ying chuckled, fond with more memories. "You know I made out with her once?" He promptly laughed at Lan Zhan's expression. "Relax, it wasn't as good as with you."

Their eyes met again and Wei Ying saw something like hope spark in Lan Zhan's eyes, which…

Wei Ying stopped. He let his gaze wander around, collecting his thoughts. He startled as he realized he was almost home, the agonizing minutes he usually needed reduced to nothing in the presence of his friend. The ache that had gnawed at his limbs earlier had all but disappeared, replaced by a longing ache in his heart.

"Lan Zhan," he found himself speaking without the input of his mind. "You said you liked me, so you should know… I don't intend to have surgery." He saw Lan Zhan open his mouth, probably to assure him once more of his pure intentions, which Wei Ying didn't need to hear. "I know, I know, you have no expectations, and I'm not saying we have to, but… My feelings for you never changed. I still like you, but I'm also… I'm a man Lan Zhan, but I'm not adjusting my body. Not to that degree."

"Is it a financial issue?" Lan Zhan asked after a pause and Wei Ying cut him off before he could continue with something ridiculous like an offer to pay.

"It's… not not about money, but…" He thought for a moment about how to say what he wanted to say. "Regardless of that, I refuse to go through all the legal hoops that this government would demand of me, like I'm supposed to beg them just to be who I am. And... Besides that…" He took a deep breath. "I think I'd like to have another child."

"Another…" There was a strangled sound, which he ignored, forcing himself to voice what he'd been struggling to put into words for a while now.

"I want to give it one more try. Voluntarily," Wei Ying found it difficult to say, despite the thought of a baby in his arms filling him with a warmth he wouldn't have expected mere years ago. "With someone I actually like this time."

"This time." There was something very wrong with the tone of Lan Zhan's voice, and as Wei Ying looked up at him, realization hit him with the force of a freight train.

"Oh! Oh no!" Lan Zhan's eyes were akin to saucers, and Wei Ying vaguely thought he had never seen his friend express shock so openly. "Fuck, I'm so dumb! Of course you don't know! How would you know?!"

Of course that very same moment, before Lan Zhan had any chance of collecting himself, a cheerful shout echoed through the street in an all too familiar, youthful voice. "BABA!!!"

Wei Ying winced. In the way life usually was – his life in particular – before Wei Ying could come up with a single word of explanation, there was the flurry of movement, and a warmth enveloping his leg – the better one.

"Baba, baba, you're home!"

Wei Ying's eyes fell down to the source of the excited noise to have two mischievous gray eyes reflected back at him. An unbidden smile spread on his face.

"A-Yuan!" He shifted around a little until he could safely run his fingers through the child's hair, even as he was keenly aware of the man next to him. "Have you been waiting for me?"

There was a twinkle and a nod, his very own baby's face beaming up at him with unabashed adoration. A tiny hand wrapped itself around his wrist and just like that the last of the day's stress fell away. He looked back at Lan Zhan. It was difficult to describe the expression his friend was giving him, frozen with disbelief, shock and something too close to horror, as his mind seemed to be rearranging and reevaluating every piece of information known to him. Finding no point in delaying the inevitable, Wei Ying braced himself and went for it.

"Lan Zhan, this is a-Yuan. He's mine. Gave birth to him and all." He made a point to smile, although Lan Zhan's expression remained unchanged. Deciding to give him the space he needed to get himself together, Wei Ying turned his attention back to his child. "A-Yuan, this is Lan Zhan. He's an old friend of mine from school. Want to introduce yourself?"

"Hello!" A-Yuan said before Wei Ying even finished the sentence. "I'm a-Yuan and I'm already four years old! I like butterflies and bunnies! Baba gave me Radish and a coloring book for my birthday. I was four last month! I love my baba bestest! But I love xiao-shushu und Qing-guma and granny and uncle Shi lotsa too!"

It was an altogether perfect introduction, and Wei Ying felt pride and love thrumming through his heart with a strength he hadn't believed to be possible. He watched the mental math behind Lan Zhan's eyes, a complicated expression spreading on his friend's face. He decided to give him another moment to complete the mental calculations and focused on something else that a-Yuan had reminded him of.

"Speaking of, where's your xiao-shushu?" Wei Ying looked around, then with growing suspicion back at the child still wrapped around his leg. "Did you ditch him again?"

Mischief spread on a-Yuan's face as he hid in Wei Ying's thigh.

"A-Yuan." Wei Ying narrowed his eyes at him, gently scolding. "We've talked about this. No walking around on your own. What if something happened?"

"But I'm with you," came the simple answer. "I have to help you walk. You said! To help you walk I have to take your hand. I saw you and gege wasn't holding your hand, so I came to help."

"Ah, so filial, a-Yuan…" Wei Ying looked up to the skies, silently begging the heavens for strength while fighting a ferocious blush. This child of his was as much a blessing as he was a huge trouble. The best kind of trouble, if Wei Ying was honest.

"A-Yuan!"

He was still busy trying to change his smile into something more stern, when as if on cue the uncle in question appeared around the corner, calling for his nephew, looking just as frantic as Wei Ying expected him to be. He waited for Wen Ning's eyes to find them, before he looked back down at a-Yuan.

"See how worried Wen Ning is? You can't do this, a-Yuan." The child's expression fell. "Go tell him you're alright and apologize for running away."

A-Yuan didn't waste a single second, rocketing towards his uncle with an excited call.

With his child safe in the most dependable arms that there were, Wei Ying turned to Lan Zhan again. His friend's eyes were closed, face pulled into a tight expression, lips pressed into a thin line, all of which told him what conclusion Lan Zhan had reached.

"It was part of the reason," Wei Ying said, because he knew Lan Zhan would never ask and he wanted his friend to know. "But it wasn't all of it."

Lan Zhan's eyes opened, his look agonized but not pitying, Wei Ying realized.

"There were many things going on," he said. "It was all so fucked up… I knew I couldn't keep him, and somehow I figured… Might as well go together. In the end we both survived, funny that."

"The father. The father is…" Lan Zhan trailed off, couldn't bring himself to say the name, but he didn't have to. Just as Wei Ying didn't have to answer other than with a rueful smile. After all, there was only one option. Lan Zhan drew a deep breath. "Was it… Did he…"

Here too, Wei Ying knew what he was asking, felt it like the edge of a knife against his skin.

"I don't want to talk about it." He swallowed, a prickling at the corners of his eyelids. "Not yet, at least. I'll tell you the story another time."

Lan Zhan nodded. Worried his jaw. Wei Ying waited.

"Was that why you… left?" His voice was so quiet that if Wei Ying wasn't paying attention, he probably wouldn't have noticed he had said anything at all.

"To put it in the words of aunt Yu, whores aren't welcome under her roof. She threatened to leave uncle Jiang, if he kept supporting me. It's fine," he added quickly when he saw Lan Zhan's face darkening. "Uncle Jiang gave me the trust fund he had for me, which wasn't little, I have a job and I get some aid from the government too. There's also granny's pension and everyone else is working. You don't have to worry, Lan Zhan, we get by."

Lan Zhan looked like he wanted to say something cutting, but luckily they were interrupted by Wen Ning joining them, a-Yuan in his arms. He was probably getting too big for that, but he knew first hand that Wen Ning could lift a full-sized adult without breaking a sweat so he wasn't very worried for either of them.

"Wei-ge, welcome home," Wen Ning greeted him. His eyes wandered to Lan Zhan for a brief moment, then to Wei Ying's hands which were still scraped. "Is everything alright?"

"More than!" Wei Ying ignored the look, grinning and watched a-Yuan beam at him. "Everything's perfect, look who I met in town! You remember Lan Zhan, right? He was in the same class with Wen Qing. Turns out he works here!"

Wei Ying managed to say all of that in one breath before he even realized he was doing it, yet consciously leaving out the bar and without bothering to detail exactly how the 'bumping' went down. Wen Ning took it all in, then gave Lan Zhan a polite smile, his dark eyes meeting Lan Zhan's squarely.

"I know of Lan-xianbei," he said slowly, cautiously polite, before his expression settled into a smile and he inclined his head in greeting. "We've never met officially."

There was a brief round of long overdue introductions, which Wei Ying was happy to ignore in favor of watching a-Yuan grow increasingly fascinated with Lan Zhan. It etched the lines around Wei Ying's smile deeper into his features, in a way he hasn't felt for a long time.

"A-Yuan." he couldn't help but pinch one of the chubby cheeks, after a little shifting of weight. "You keep looking at Lan Zhan like that, he'll think you like him."

"Pretty gege," was all a-Yuan had to say to that, a smile splitting his face, while Lan Zhan's ears turned red. Wei Ying laughed, alight with surprise that the one tell-tale sign of his shyness still remained. Lan Zhan was looking at a-Yuan with increasing curiosity, that pained line from earlier disappearing from his features, slowly replaced by wonder instead.

Wei Ying only looked away when he felt a tiny finger poke at his cheek, angling his head towards a-Yuan to listen to whatever secret his son wanted to share.

"Will pretty gege stay for dinner?" A-Yuan whispered through his hands, causing a complicated set of feelings to run through Wei Ying's chest.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but Lan-shushu can't stay." Wei Ying mock pouted at his son. "He has a flight to catch later."

"Why?" A-Yuan asked, as he did all the time.

"He has to visit his family," Wei Ying answered.

"Oh…" A-Yuan's face fell. There was no doubt in Wei Ying's mind had the answer been anything else, he would have kept asking, but if there was one word a-Yuan understood better than anyone, it was 'family'. It didn't mean he liked it. "But… But I heard! I heard that we will have a party tonight! I cleaned my room, and I did a picture for teacher, and helped granny bake! I was the bestest and uncle said I could stay up extra long tonight 'cause then baba would live forever!"

"I didn't say forever," Wen Ning corrected him timidly, but neither of them paid attention to him, the poor soul. A-Yuan only heard what he wanted to hear, and Wei Ying was too busy making sure his heart didn't burst. He still sometimes couldn't quite believe how much he loved this child.

"Me too." It came unexpectedly from beside him, and when Wei Ying turned to look he found Lan Zhan looking almost as surprised as he felt. "I mean, I also usually stay up longer on Chuxi."

A-Yuan's smile eclipsed the sun. Lan Zhan returned it with an expression so impossibly soft that Wei Ying's heart almost did burst then.

"Pretty gege can stay, and his family can come too, and I will draw everyone a picture!" A-Yuan all but vibrated with bare excitement that Wei Ying felt bad that he had to chide him.

"A-Yuan, do we tell people what they can and can't do, or do we ask?" He had picked the gentlest way possible, but his son still hid his face in his uncle's neck, utterly dejected.

To be fair, Lan Zhan looked rather stricken himself. It was adorable to watch and Wei Ying… Wei Ying knew that no matter whatever feelings he might be harboring, he only came as a set with his son. There was no possible way of heaping that responsibility on another person from the get go, on top of everything else, and yet. And yet. Lan Zhan was regarding a-Yuan with such fondness that it did strange things to Wei Ying's heart, and just like that courage bloomed in Wei Ying's chest.

"How about a compromise? Lan Zhan," he asked carefully. "You still have a few hours left until you have to be at the airport, don't you? Would you… Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, yes, yes! Please, pretty gege, pretty please." A-Yuan loved the idea, immediately reaching his arms out in silent demand to be held. Wei Ying could only watch as Wen Ning oh so carefully leaned forward and tightened his hold so that a-Yuan could safely launch himself into Lan Zhan's open, waiting arms. He bet Lan Zhan hadn't even noticed how he held them out in a response that had seemed completely automatic.

"A-Yuan," Wei Ying reprimanded him gently, doing everything he could to ignore the adorable pout that pressed into Lan Zhan's shoulder. It was difficult to do with his heart singing like that.

"I would hate to intrude," Lan Zhan replied hesitantly, his eyes not leaving a-Yuan for a second and Wei Ying felt his heart constrict.

"I don't think anyone would mind," Wen Ning said, smiling gently.

"It won't be an issue, Lan Zhan, really." Their eyes met. "We still have a lot to… catch up on."

There was a spark that darkened Lan Zhan's eyes briefly, something heavy settling in the air between the two of them. Chance had brought Lan Zhan back into his life, and Wei Ying wanted to hold on. In any way he was allowed to. As long as he was allowed to.

"And you could meet… You could meet my family." Warmth spread deep in Wei Ying's chest as the word 'family' echoed in his mind, before he added in a whisper. "If you like."

"Wei Ying…" Finally, after what felt like an entire eternity, Lan Zhan spoke, the softest of smiles spreading on his face, gentle as the first rays of the sun on a misty morning. "I would very much love to meet your family."

"Great!" Wei Ying felt the smile split his face from one ear to another and amidst the cheers of his child that echoed the ones in his heart and started towards the door that Wen Ning held open for him. "Come on in then! Let's give everyone the shock of their life that I brought home such a handsome man!"

"Wei Ying…" It was spoken as a reprimand but it sounded like a chuckle.

"Hi, handsome! You're Lan Zhan, right? I've heard all about you!" Somewhere in his memory a cheerful voice greeted the most beautiful youth that there ever was. "I'm Wei Wuxian. I'll let you call me Wei Ying."

The door fell shut to the sound of Wei Ying's laugh.

#vedrividia #wangxianLNY21 #*LNYfic21 #*LNYgifts21

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earths-roots-grow-up · 4 years ago

Text

This is a super long Headcanon about Austria’s and Hungary’s relationship. It’s connected to my Austria’s Sexual Preferences HC.

WARNING for Austria being an ass, angst, toxic relationship patterns and some upsetting historical stuff like war and military dictatorships. If you love fluffy cute AusHun and hate that stuff, it may just not be your cup of tea :-).

A quick rundown of some Hungary/Austria history:

“In early stages (1500s) the lands that were ruled by the Habsburg Hungarian kings were regarded as both “the Kingdom of Hungary” and “Royal Hungary”. Royal Hungary (…) was de facto a Habsburg province.” (wiki)

“Rákóczi’s War of Independence (1703–11) was the first significant attempt to topple the rule of the Habsburgs over Hungary. The war was fought by a group of noblemen, wealthy and high-ranking progressives and was led by Francis II Rákóczi. The insurrection was unsuccessful, ending with the Treaty of Szatmár; however, the Hungarian nobility managed to partially satisfy Hungarian interests.” (wiki)

Later on Joseph II Habsburg (1765–1790), Holy Roman Emperor and the Archduke of Austria, abolished local governments in countries that were parts of the Habsburg empire, including Hungary. He established German as the official language of Hungary and divided the country into 10 parts, ignoring the historical divisions that existed until then. He unified Hungarian and Austrian administrations. All of this was met with opposition from some of the strongest groups in Hungary (like the magnates and the Magyar nobility), but they were ignored. Austro-Hungarian conflict was something that has been stewing in the background of the Habsburg empire for years and revolutions were not unheard of. All of this came to a head in 1848 when the Hungarian Revolution began and the Austro-Hungarian war followed.

The biggest event that kick-started the revolution was the illegal act of revoking Hungarian April Laws by the Austrian monarch. April laws were laws established by the Hungarian parliment and ratified by the last Hungarian king (bc even tho under Austrian rule, the Kingdom of Hungary still had some autonomy, such as the parliament). Their aim was to modernize Hungary into a parliamentary democracy. The new Austrian monarch, Francis Joseph, didn’t like that and revoked them. This was a completely illegal act, he had no right nor authority to overwrite the hungarian parliment - but he still did. This really crossed the line with the Hungarians, who - as mentioned above - already had some problems with the way Austria was domineering over Hungary and history of revolting. So it began: “Hungarians brought 12 demands to the Austrian leadership, among them freedom of the press, civil and religious equality, and a national bank. A bloodless revolution took place on March 15, 1848, and the first independent Hungarian government was formed with Lajos Batthyány as Prime Minister.” The revolution itself was bloodless, but the war that followed wasn’t. Austria got help from Russia and the combined Russian and Austrian armies ended up winning the conflict. Hungary was yet again under complete Habsburg control. After Hungary lost, it was put under brutal martial law by Austria and Hungarian generals and members of the parliament were executed, including Lajos Batthyány who - ironically - was trying to reach some kind of agreement with the Habsburg dynasty throughout the revolution. They thanked him with a firing squad. Stay classy, Roderich. Very heavy taxation was put on the Hungarian people as punishmen. All of this was a deciding factor in how the future Hungarian/Austrian relations looked like - the “Hungarian problem” became one of the hottest issues for the Hapsburg monarchy for years to come. The military dictatorship and absolutist rule that Austria introduced over Hungary lasted for 18 years and ended in ‘67 with the Austro-Hungarian Compromise, in which a dual monarchy of Austria-Hungary was established. “The territorial integrity of Kingdom of Hungary was restored. The Compromise partially re-established the former sovereignty of the Kingdom of Hungary, however being separate from, but no longer subject to the Austrian Empire. The agreement also restored the old historic constitution of the Kingdom of Hungary.” (wiki)

Why did Austria agreed to the compromise after almost 20 years of martrial law and terror? WELL “As a consequence of the Second Italian War of Independence and the Austro-Prussian War, the Habsburg Empire was on the verge of collapse in 1866, as these wars caused monumental state debt and a financial crisis. The Habsburgs were forced to reconcile with Hungary, to save their empire and dynasty.”

Headcanon: I personally HC that Austria and Hungary got married in 1570 as a direct result of the personal union between both countries. Until then, the Kingdom of Hungary was ruled by two kings: one Hungarian, and one Austrian, but in 1570s the Hungarian king abdicated in favor of the Austrian ruler. And ever since, until the Habsburg empire fell apart, the Austrian monarch was also crowned as the Hungarian king. So I consider this event the beginning of their marriage. (I’ll explain why I moved the marriage this early at the end of the post. Hint - for narration purposes :D to me a HC has to create a coherent story first and foremost)

They did love each other, and tho their marriage was mostly a political union, they were both happy to start a life together as husband and wife. But the relationship itself was unhealthy, especially for Hungary.

The simplest way I can explain how I see it is: a young, naivee woman in love marries a controlling man, who also loves her, but still wants to completely dominate her. She is shocked by the reality of mariage with him but tries to accept the new way things are now (still, the hungarian revolution of early 1700s shows that internally, she has a problem with the lack of equality).

She convinces herself that her rebellious tendencies are the real problem here, as this is what he tells her, and tries to become the Perfect Wife.

The marriage is a long one and deteriorates very slowly, from Happily In Love, through Disappointment and then Growing Resentment, into an open conflict and the escalation of toxicity. So a story as old as time.

Longer version: Austria was controlling and saw himself as the authority in their relationship: she was to listen to him, never argue with him, speak German to him, be proper and refined and play by HIS rules. She was to completely leave her old customs and ways of life behind (she was a free-spirited horse-riding warrior, he wanted a proper lady in a corset who only speaks about the weather, music and art. Austrian, preferably. She wanted to feel the wind in he hair, he though that was inappropriate. etc).

There was no place for equality here and there was no place for her true nature either. He only accepted her more wild self when he needed military help from her, but then she was to put on her (Austrian) gown again. This was a shock for an outspoken, independent and strong woman, but Hungary at first did believe that this was the best for her (’we’re stronger together’ etc).

Also, she was really in love. To the point of being willing to give up many of her freedoms and passions to be “the perfect mate” Austria expected her to be. She lost a lot of herself during those long years of trying to please him. After all, there was a lot about Austria she admired - he was artistic, subtle, refined, had this air of royalty about him. He could be such a gentleman - she was not used to being treated like a lady, as she was always “one of the guys”, and truly enjoyed it. She LOVED his music. He gave her expensive gifts and composed sonatas and poetry for her. Etc. But still - she wanted equality and to be seen for who she really is, and he was only willing to be the dashing gentleman when she played the role of the quiet, obedient SO. Resentment and anger rose in her and her romantic love and attraction for Austria began to rot away. The Perfect Wife role was at first something she got used to and though she could pull off, but with time, it got more and more frustrating.

When in 1848 the Austrian monarch decided to illegally overwrite her parliament - it was a boiling point for her. She saw red and grabbed her weapon. Tho the attempts of her leader, Lajos Batthyány, to work out a compromise with the Austrian monarch tell me that she did still want to make the marriage work and still hoped that they could become a better couple - just on different terms. But, of course, Austria was not into that. The total fallout of their relationship at this point might have seem unexpected to some, as they did pretend to be the Perfect Power Couple when in front of others, and she was discreet with her angst. But in reality this tension has been rising for years and the marriage has been an unhappy one for some time now.

And from Austria’s side, the sad reality was - he married a woman that was just too strong. That’s why he put such drastic measures in place after the Revolution failed - he wanted to dominate her once and for all and have his Perfect Marriage. He didn’t do it because he was vengeful or evil, he was just selfish and egocentric. In some messed up way, he thought she still could be happy with him, IF ONLY SHE DID WHAT HE TOLD HER TO.

The war and the brutal dictatorship that followed the Revolution were the darkest time in their relationship. It pretty much ended the intimacy they had. During this period they would get into loud arguments, throw things, he would then punish her by being even more controlling, she would take revenge in small ways like ruining his fav shirts by accident and started to think about a divorce. When Austria lost his wars with Prussia and Italy - she was on top of that, pretty much immediately demanding more rights. He had no strength to oppose her at this point. She even felt sorry for him, seeing how weak and wounded he was. Some old feelings resurfaced. The relationship abruptly got better, as she helped him heal while he began treating her better. He apologized for the way he treated her. He said that being at the brink of death made him realize the errors of his way. She was happy and agreed to re-new their vowes (the beggining of Dual Monarchy) - but she never forgot how ugly he could act. Things were never the same again. Something in the romantic relationship just died for her - most importantly, she never trusted him again. He could say all he wanted about how he’s sorry and would never do it again, the reality was - and she recognized it - that he only said those things when he was scared of death and desperately need her. When he was strong and felt well, he held her in an iron fist and forced martial law on her. The Dual Monarchy began, but the the romance was over. They still played the roles of hudband and wife in front of others, but slept in different beds.

This is tragic, because the love they had for each other was real. It was just totally ruined by Austria’s need to be in control of the relationship and inability to see her as an equal. They had totally incompatible ideas of how the relationship should look like.

When they divorced after WW1, Hungary did not suffer. To her, the divorce already happened - she mentally divorced him years ago, all that was left was a husk of the marriage and an old ring. For Austria, it was worse, as he still hoped they could rebuild and was forced to accept the rality that nope, its not happening. He took it badly.

Today they are exes that consider each other friends but Hungary would never want to return to a romantic relationship with him, as she believes that even tho Austria seems more chill nowadays, he would not be able to keep his controlling tendencies in check. This whole thing taught her that she never wants to change for a man.

The relationship between them is very complex and runs deep - tho they had their share of conflicts and toxicity, that does not mean good things never happened. They also know each other incredibly well and there is closeness there that neither of them wants to let go of.

Explanation: I moved their wedding from the birth of Austro-Hungary to an earlier date, because to me personally it makes more sense narration-wise. I don’t think Hungary would ever agree to marry him if the Revolution of 1848 and the bloody martial law already happened - this, to me at least, reads more like a dramatic conclusion to a long, difficult relationship that is becoming more toxic with time and then implodes, not something that happened before the marriage starts. So sorry for it not being very canon-friendly, but to me, it just creates a pretty coherent, emotional story of a downfall of a marriage that had potential, as there were honest feelings involved, but the dude was an ass.

This whole HC was born in baby form when I watched the episode in which Prussia wants Hungary to go hunting, mentions she used to like it, and she refuses and instead prefers to clean Austria’s house. He then comments that she changed. It was played as lighthearted and funny and I do recognize that Hima probably wanted to show that she got more mature while Pru is still like a kid, but it actually made me really sad for her. Then I watched the show Freud on Netflix and got interested in the anti-austrian movements in Hungary (LOL sorry I know this sounds really silly! ^^’ it’s a good show tho). And it kinda fitted - she wanted to hunt, she was just putting herself in smaller and smaller boxes as the Perfect Wife bc Austria expected that and she still hoped it will make her dream of Lived Happily Ever After come true.

#aph hungary #aph austria #hws hungary #hws austria #hetalia #Axis Powers Hetalia #hetalia world series #historical hetalia #hetalia headcanons #abuse #toxic relationship #sad love story #aushun

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