#esp when they promised news today?

[dzozef]

depression so bad it got my dad who doesnt believe in mental health telling me that i should go back to therapy

[utterlyazriel]

whom the shadows sing for — (and the thief's echoing hymn)

a/n: if you have stuck around and waited u are INCREDIBLE thank u so much for ur patience <3 esp cos i'm still testing it with my slowburn lmao + tell me what u think lovelies and as always, enjoy

word count: 4.1k

synopsis: Azriel's shadows find a new way to torment their master. The question of forgiveness follows you. Cassian gets you in the ring, testing out newly learnt skills.

CHAPTER TEN :: SHADOWS

Azriel is a spy by his very nature.

It makes sense; the gift of Shadowsinger is never bestowed so lightly so that it could ever leave any doubt of the user. Shadowsingers are spies, even well before their gifts revealed themselves. Always watching. Always listening.

It was, then, a tad against his disposition to keep his nose out business that wasn't his — as that was precisely what Azriel did best.

But his decision was resolute. Azriel had promised himself he would not be the first to break the distance between you two.

However, for a fae over five-hundred years old, it's quite unsettling to yet again feel the pangs of impatience. Years of practicing restraint and then, in a mere few months, his hard earned patent for patience begins to fray at the ends. You'll be his undoing, he's sure of it.

Like a young and fresh-faced warrior itching for battle, it's almost embarrassing how Azriel can't seem to stay away from you. His feet wander and all paths lead to you.

His shadows are not helping.

Azriel thinks they've managed to get more insistent, which he hadn't really believe was possible. They've proven him oh-so wrong. When he walks the halls of the House of Wind, the dark wisps dart out, as though trying to tug him along.

He had trusted them all of two times before, face flushed and with an ungraceful but thankfully unnoticed exit, he learned just where they were leading him.

They were following the invisible thread between you, taking him to see his mate.

When it became clear he wasn't going to be coerced along, his shadows had only got more devious.

It's a particular brand of torture, Azriel thinks, to be delivered little parcels of knowledge of the person he's not allowing himself to see.

And they're ruthless about it. Whispers about how you're healing and the growing steadiness of your feet, the way you stand a little taller each day, about the tentative trust extended to Cassian.

Gods, that one had made his hand jerk across the paper in surprise, spilling a patch of ink onto the report he was in the middle of.

You were talking to Cassian— no, you were nearly friends with Cassian. The magnanimous hope had ballooned within him before Azriel remembered to stomp it back down.

Mor had teased him for the black stains on his hands during dinner.

He studies them now, nearly washed away completely, before he lifts his head. In the cool air of dusk, Azriel surveils the training ring from the shadows of the door, eyes scanning across the balcony.

It's empty, as expected. The rising moon is his only company.

You've stuck to training in the mornings, of course.

He's relieved and disappointed all at once—then Azriel forces that disappointment out of his system with a frustrated huff.

He is not allowed to be disappointed. Your trust is something he still needs to claw his way back to, to earn, and that required waiting and accepting that.

Azriel would see you... when you wanted to see him.

Despite his resolve, the thread between you still gives a futile tug before he can stop it. Scowling at himself, he rubs at his chest meanly, banishing the feeling. He steps down onto the balcony and heads towards the equipment.

As his scarred hands reach out and pluck one of the training staffs off the rack, his shadows twirls and trill, an almost teasing motion. It takes one pointed whisper, one tug on his heartstrings —they used that one just earlier today— before his hands are glowing warm from the second-hand touch.

His fingers spring apart and the staff hits the tiles with a loud clatter. Even though it's just him out on the balcony, he still casts an awkward glance around him. Gods

If his brothers could see him now, Azriel thinks dryly.

He swats at the shadow that had unhelpfully fed him the information. It dances away from him, swooping down to circle the staff on the ground with its others, a mass of black surrounding it.

Azriel bends down and gingerly picks up the staff, his hazel eyes staring at it for a long moment. Where your hands have been.

After a moment, his fingers curl around it. His marred hands feel like they're glowing again, warm and tingling, even if he knows it's all in his mind. Even so, he swears the golden thread between you hums, just ever so slightly.

He'll allow himself this, just this once, Azriel decides. His grip tightens and he heads to the ring, preparing to train, his hands where yours were just mere hours before.

—

The day after you had met Cassian, as the dawn breaks over sky, you find him on the training balcony before you.

You're a little later than you'd normally be, the sun actually rising before you do. You're moving a little more sluggishly too, but for once it's for a better reason.

Sleep, normally light and fitful for you, had actually been a reprieve last night. You slept deeply, falling into dreamless slumber and resting properly.

When morning crept in, dragging your eyelids up had felt like a mountainous amount of effort. Part of you wonders if it's because of the male across the balcony from you.

Allies, you had agreed upon.

It's a little easier to rest when you've made one less enemy.

Watching him now, stretching his supple and bulging arms, you have to force down the instilled anxiety that festers up, a force of habit that's kept you safe all these years.

You're not in Exordor anymore. You're not keeping any secrets.

Cassian clocks your hesitant stance in the doorway as he turns, a wide grin breaking across his face. His wings perk up, a genuine sign of his excitement. He stops his stretching momentarily to wave.

"Morning!" He calls out, despite the fact the distance between you doesn't require him to do so.

"Ally." He adds pointedly, leaning over to give an over the top wink.

Somewhere buried deep inside you, a laugh almost wants to wriggle free, but it's smothered before you can think too hard. You give him a wry smile instead, the best you can manage, and take a tentative step down onto the balcony. Your wings give a tiny shiver in the passing breeze.

"Good morning," You manage to return, the words sticking in your throat on the way up. It's awkward but nothing in Cassian's friendly demeanor changes to indicate he's noticed. Your feet lead you over towards the weapons rack.

It's as you reach them do you realise your heart is rabbiting wildly, pounding in your chest, stewing you in discomfort. The hair on the back of your neck rises, prickling with unease. Your back is turned to a fierce warrior, one that could very well attack you.

And worse, you'll be training next to him, still not healed, still stumbling on your feet—revealing all the ways to strike you down.

You—you haven't done this, ever. You haven't trained with someone completely as yourself, with no facade to hide beneath. It suddenly becomes incredibly vulnerable.

Your hand trembles as you reach out for the training staff and you try your best to swallow down your nerves.

Cassian has kept his distance, resuming his stretches, but you don't miss how his eyes dance over to you every couple of seconds. For a moment, it alarms you but as you find a place and settle into your stance, you steal another glimpse.

It's more like... a dog wagging its tail, you think faintly.

You press down the urge to smile and begin your exercises.

There's all of ten minutes of silence before it gets broken.

"How do you like Velaris?"

You pause in your motions, huffing to catch your breath as your grip the training staff loosens. You cast a glance over at Cassian who's now picked up one of the broadswords, beginning to throw its weight around easily.

You blink and for a moment, your eyes dart out over the edge of the balcony, to the city teeming with life, so close and yet so far from you. A part of you aches fiercely to see it.

"I... haven't been into the city." You answer honestly. It comes out curt and doesn't exactly answer his question.

Eyeing his sword nervously, your force your aching muscles through another series of exercises. You're a sliver better than the day before but when your ear twinges loudly, you still stumble, a minuscule motion. Your heart lurches up your throat, frustration welling like a tidal wave within you.

"Okay, then how do you like the House of Wind?"

You pause again, looking over to Cassian tentatively, the pain in your ear momentarily forgotten. The rising frustration in you dissipates at the distraction. He waves a casual hand over to the house you've been residing in since you arrived in Velaris and smiles once more.

You swallow thickly. What is his angle here?

"I haven't..." You struggle to put your thoughts into words. It's... different. New. Unsettling. You don't want to say the wrong thing. For all you know, this may well be his home.

Eventually, you find your voice. "I like my room. It's—" Several words ping to the front of your mind. "—big."

You cringe. Some compliment that is. You're too honest even if it is true; you're far too used to the familiar cramped space of your own cabin. Even sharing walls with others is foreign to you and you're incredibly thankful you haven't run into anyone unexpectedly in any corridors yet.

It doesn't occur to you that it might entirely be by design, thanks to Rhys' strict instruction.

Cassian grins. "Yes, I recall Illyria being hardly known for it's roomy cabins."

He swings the sword around with a flick of his wrist, more like an idle motion than anything. Your eyes still flicker down keenly, watching for any threat, just in case.

"So, you haven't explored the house much then?" Cassian continues, feigning a stab forward with the sword, his eyes on his motions but his attention still focused primarily on you.

You follow his lead and swing the training staff again, in an arching whoosh. You shake your head in answer to his question.

"Do you want to?"

"Do you always talk this much during training?"

The words come out before you can think to check them, sucking in a sharp breath as you realise how snappy that sounded. Like you're looking for a fight.

You ready yourself to sink into a defensive stance, before you realise that Cassian has only laughed in response. A curl of his tied back hair comes loose as he shakes his head, the action almost... fond.

"Only when I'm trying to make friends." He grins warmly, eyes flicking up to meet yours. "Sorry, I'll stop prying."

You swallow and nod slightly, hoping it won't be read as rude. Though you'd had a hard time believing it, Cassian had been true to his word; no fighting unless it was in the ring. You hadn't dared to go near it yet.

Readjusting your stance, you prepared to go through the motions once more. It's still a bit more of the juvenile exercises than you're used to—forced back to the basics as you retrain your body—but also because you're solitary training. You're used to sparring with others.

Stealing a glimpse at Cassian, you ponder if—if you might, eventually that is, train alongside him as you had done with Azriel.

Moving the training staff deftly, you thrust it forward and twist your lithe body to dart forward again, a small patter of your feet on the stone.

It's maneuver used for rushing opponents, throwing them off their balance and driving them backwards. It works for you, mostly, but the way your wings cut through the air, the slightest whistle through the holey scars, makes you a little unsteady.

"You fight like you're bigger than you are."

Straightening up, you breathe heavily and peer around the edges of your wings back at Cassian—who apparently isn't done talking at all.

He nods to you, in reference the maneuver you've just performed. "That is a move usually far better suited for someone of a larger stature."

You clear your throat, wings curling in a bit closer around you. "Yes. Azriel, he- he was trying to rectify that. There's only one way to train Illyrians, as I'm sure you know."

Cassian nods again, lowering the sword to hang at his side. "That I do. However, I feel Azriel may have been taking the wrong approach given... the information he was not privy to at the time."

Your brows knit together, something wrong twisting tightly in your chest.

"Because I'm..."

Female.

"Not a male?"

The words come out sharp without meaning to.

Cassian's picks up on your defensiveness, his expression softening. He gives a little so-so motion with his free hand, his wings rustling behind him. "A bit, but not for reasons you may think."

When you don't speak, he continues, his explanation unfurling.

"Your centre of gravity is different to ours. That actually changes the best way for you to fight. More of your strength comes from these—"

He slaps his hands down onto his thighs with a grin.

"—than from your arms. For that reason, there are moves you will be better at than what you've been taught."

Cassian cocks his head, his dark eyes squinting for a moment, deep in thought. "Azriel likely switched your training to agility based, didn't he?"

You nod gingerly. You had no idea if what he was said was true. If there was a fighting style suited to females. That would require... female warriors which, for all you've ever known, is a highly unlikely thing to exist.

Though, being he is the General of the Night Court's armies, you'd likely assume Cassian knows what he's talking about.

He nods, that same easy smile. "He was right to do so. Most camps focus on brute strength and stamina. Makes for good warriors that can take hits and keep going. You can train that way if you still wish but you might find you excel when your efforts are put elsewhere."

It takes a long moment before you realise exactly what his words mean.

An offer. He's offering to train you, to teach you.

Pleasant surprise blooms inside you, warm, curling up behind your ribs like a purring cat. Cassian's eyes are light and friendly, his body language relaxed as though if you turn him down, it'd be of no consequence to him. Merely an offer.

You turn it over in your mind, back and forth. The gentle wind from the mountains caresses across your cheekbones, a warm touch.

Inside, deep in your chest, there's something telling you to trust. To take the step forward, to accept Cassian's outstretched proposal. That you might regret it if you didn't.

"How?" Your eyes skirt up and down on instinct, still on alert for a threat that isn't coming.

Cassian grins infectiously, not even attempting to hide his glee. He rolls his shoulders back and assesses you once more.

"Have you ever heard of the headscissor takedown?"

—

Flesh hits stone, a large shuddering bang that echoes out the courtyard. In the distance, a couple birds take flight, squawking loudly. Pain ricochets through your knees, a warbling and jarring pain that has you gritting your teeth.

"You're..." Cassian's breath comes out raggedly. "Incredible!"

He beams from where he's pinned beneath you and your pain dashes away in a moment, something gleaning and prideful taking its place.

There's a rivulet of blood under his nose, his hair knocked loose, and you know hitting the ground as hard as he did won't have been nice. He continues on as if he hasn't.

"That was perfect form. You're a Cauldron-born natural!"

You huff a breath that might be an actual laugh this time and quickly retract yourself, standing to your feet. You waver momentarily, hesitance poisoning your thoughts, before you decide. Holding out your hand to help, Cassian is quick to put his hand in your own and use it to lug himself up.

When he gets to his feet, his grip loosens but he doesn't let go altogether.

"Hey," He says, more serious this time. His fingers around your wrist, soft and warm, still make your pulse jump nervously. You force yourself to meet his gaze, still friendlier than ever. "Seriously. You're very skilled and you're a fast learner. You've got the makings to be lethal. The Night Court is lucky to have you on our side."

His hand slips back, grazing your wrist, and you wonder if he can feel the way your heart skips a beat.

No one has ever been... lucky to have you. It's so foreign that hearing someone say it aloud makes you forget to breath for one long second.

"I—" The word pushes out before you think about it. "That's... You-"

Praise is not a part of Illyrian training. You fumble with it, feeling entirely out of your depth, feeling oddly proud of yourself. It feels like your cheeks are warmer than usual.

Cassian chuckles, wiping the blood from his nose with the back of his hand. "You're welcome." He says pointedly, making you realise you're supposed to say thank you after someone compliments you.

You flounder for another second, making Cassian laugh again, louder this time. He reaches forward and lightly taps you on the shoulder, a faux punch.

"You'll get used to it." He says. Part of you really, really wants to. "Now, c'mon. Let's go again. Hit me."

—

You think that now Cassian's got what he wanted—the two of you training together, learning the plethora of new moves, stances, blocks he has in his repertoire—he wouldn't have anymore questions.

You're sorely, sorely, wrong.

Two mornings later, the pair of you prepare for some sparring with the swords in the ring. Cassian's purposefully picked one of the heavier ones for himself, broad and long, but he'd put aside a blade for you.

It's smaller, lighter. It reminds you of Heartstriker.

Which reminds you of Azriel.

The mere thought of him has your heart humming, miserable and elated all at once. You're still not sure if you'd like to see him just yet, the confusing twist of betrayal too fresh, but still, some part of you seeks him out, consciously or not.

You want to wander the halls until you find the door to leads to him.

It's because he was your first friend. You reason, as you step up towards the sparring ring. He was the first person you trusted. Was? Is—maybe.

Do you still trust him?

Cassian is already in the ring, waiting as patiently as he can. His rustling wings give him away, even as casual as he looks leaned up against one of the corner posts.

His wings are stretched out, towards the sun's rays that are just beginning to slip over the horizon, trying to steal some of their warmth.

A yawn slips past your lips. The night of restful sleep was an outlier it seemed, the tendrils of a calming, easy sleep stolen away just as quickly.

Fingers curling around the hilt of the short sword, you step gingerly into the ring, eyes casting across to your opponent. You roll your shoulders back, warming up the muscles a bit more, and give your own wings a little shake. A shiver wracks through you in response, the chill of the morning touching on sensitive scars.

"Is there a particular reason Azriel is avoiding you?"

Your head snaps up at the sound of Cassian's voice, cool and calm.

He hasn't shifted, though his wings are tucked back in now. His sword is still relaxed at his side, his worn hand tucked around the hilt of it freely.

The usual chattiness that Cassian has been able to coax out of you these last few days shrivels up. Azriel is avoiding you? You hadn't wanted to see him but this—something curls up inside you, sour and foul. You swallow hard.

"I hadn't realised." You murmur, unable to keep the bitterness from seeping into your words.

Cassian blinks and seems to realise his mistake. He waves a hand dismissively, as if it can scratch away his last words. "I misspoke. I believe he is... keeping his distance."

He furrows his brow, face pinched, picking his words carefully. "For your sake." He adds.

You... don't know how you feel about that. On one hand, you're relieved. It's not by pure chance that you haven't seen him yet, it's purposeful—he's keeping out of your way, giving you peace.

On the other hand, something twined in your chest pangs sorrowfully, mourning the distance between you.

While Cassian's presence as an ally (or perhaps, you'll even admit, a friend) is comforting, you'll admit it does not fill the same shape in you as Azriel does. You miss him, quite terribly so.

"What makes you think he's avoiding me?" You ask.

Cassian gives an little shrug, his head tilting to the side just a bit. He smiles in a way that tells you he knows more than he lets on. Or maybe, he simply knows Azriel far better than you do.

"He usually trains in the morning." He explains nonchalantly. "He's taken to training at night since your arrival."

You frown at the new information. You don't want Azriel to be changing things for you, to bend and warp his routines in his home, just for you. You don't want him to avoid you either, even if you're beginning to think you might never be brave enough to face him.

He left you. He was your first friend and the betrayal of that is entirely too new— but you don't know where to draw the line.

You don't know for how long you're allowed to be upset — or how long you can let this go on before you're punishing yourself just as much as you are him.

Flexing your grip on the sword, you stare across at Cassian and when you open your mouth, the words tumble out with warning.

"He..." Your breath hitches.

Something awful hooks into your chest, remembering the way he had folded himself into shadows, away from you. The look on his face.

"He left me. When I needed him more than ever." You admit.

Your voice doesn't waver but Cassian can still see the slight tremble in your shoulders, rolling in. Your eyes have dropped to study the floor of the sparring ring, seemingly lost in the memory.

Cassian's face softens, his heart aching for you. You don't even notice how your own wings have begun to curl in, a soft, comforting blanket around yourself.

It's clear you're struggling to juggle the myriad of emotions that haunt you and he gets it, Mother, does he get it. It had been hard the first time, during those first tentative months of friendship with Rhys, before Azriel was even in the picture. Cassian had one emotion that served him any purpose and that was spite.

Spite kept him alive. Spite told him who to knock down and who to put down.

Friendships and spite are not the greatest combination. When Rhys had done something Cassian had vehemently disagreed with, it had felt like a deception, stinging as badly as the backhand from Lord Devlon, sneering the word bastard.

It took time to undo the messy tangle of emotions, to learn that not all betrayal fell into the same box. That forgiveness for some people was not weakness at all.

So, Cassian asks. "Did he come back?"

You glance up at him, eyes flickering with emotion at the question. After a moment, you swallow and say. "Yes. He did."

Cassian nods. He stretches his wings out a bit and reaches up to push a stray piece of hair behind his ear.

"Alright. How long do you intend to punish him for that mistake?"

You freeze at that question and Cassian can tell he's hit the right spot. You're unsure how long you should—because all you know is that you're hurt. And when you're hurt, you don't know any other way to deal with it.

There's only one pathway ingrained for when someone hurts you. Cassian realises suddenly, Mother help him, that he must try to be good at the talking side of things. He needs to show you there's other ways you can go.

"Because," He continues, not waiting for your answer. "I can assure you that Azriel will punish himself for far longer and far harsher than you ever will. I've known my brother a long time. If there anyone who understands the gravity of his actions and will torture himself over them, it's Azriel."

A hesitant expression shutters across your face, your brows furrowing slightly. Cassian doesn't need Rhys' daemati gift to understand the conflict that's battling within you.

"You think I should forgive him."

You don't pose it as a question. A little bit more of that iciness has bled back into your voice, on guard again.

Cassian can tell that, like him, you don't take well to being told what to do. That's fine; Cassian has no intention of doing that whatsoever.

"I think that is your decision entirely." Cassian says, letting the words breathe so they truly sink in. He watches as your eyes narrow momentarily and then your shoulders relax, sinking down an inch.

"But," He says gingerly. "If you avoid each other, you might never move past this. Might never move forward. It might be worth considering what you really want at the end of the day."

The sun has properly broken across the mountain ridges, no longer just sparse rays. You turn your face, facing towards the warmth. There's still that scrunch between your eyebrows, betraying your deep thought, but Cassian has said enough for now.

He moves his sword and taps the end of it against the stone, a soft steel ping grabbing your attention. You whip your head back to face him and Cassian grins, raising his sword.

"Enough talking. More fighting."

You smile, a little hesitant but entirely genuine, and raise your sword in response. That's one thing you're sure you know how to do right.

[NEXT PART: FRIENDS (AGAIN)]

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[deansbeer]

𝐓𝐄𝐗𝐀𝐒 SKIES & 𝐂𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐌𝐀𝐒 TIES

000. PROLOGUE ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ִ ݁ ♡ .

✸ 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟗𝟗𝟓; the first time you and jensen met.

PAIRING. cowboy!jensen x female reader ꒱

SYNOPSIS. in a stormy december of '95, your world shifts when jensen arrives at your family's ranch. what starts with an awkward meeting becomes something unexpectedly sweet.

WARNING(S). awkward first meeting | subtle flirting | hand-holding | jealousy | mentions of small town gossip | unrequited feelings | peer pressuring parents (?) | ranch work | storm preparation | self-consciousness | social anxiety.

kari yaps. hiii there, i feel SO soso happy n giddy inside, seeing all of u as excited as i am for this new series !!!! i'll try my best to keep up w it, esp this upcoming week for xmas <3 & if it isnt finished by then, hopefully by new years it is. HOWEVER, if it isnt done once the new year rolls in, someone yell @ me, i give u full permission !!!!! im crossing my fingers, though. n e ways :) love yall smmm <3

𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓. ୨ৎ 𝐉𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐄𝐍'𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐑𝐘.

DECEMBER brought the kind of cold that made texas feel foreign. you weren't expecting company that morning, which explained your current state: sleep shorts, an old long sleeve baby tee that had seen better days, and crew socks that reached above your ankles. your hair was a mess, tangled from sleep, but you didn't care—until your dad's voice boomed through the house.

"honey, alan's boy is here to help with the storm prep!"

you froze, halfway through pouring your coffee. through the kitchen window, you caught sight of a red chevy pickup truck pulling up, and your stomach dropped. everyone knew alan ackles' son—jensen was practically dallas royalty when it came to ranch families.

"coming!" you called back, but it was too late. the screen door creaked open, and there he stood: tall, broad-shouldered, in worn jeans and boots, his green eyes catching yours immediately.

"jensen, this is my daughter," your dad said, clapping him on the shoulder. "sweetheart, this is jensen."

you wanted to die right there, especially when his lips curved into a slight smirk. "nice to meet you," he drawled, his voice deep and warm. "nice pajamas."

your face heats up in embarrassment. "i wasn't exactly expecting visitors at seven in the morning."

"storm's not gonna wait for proper attire, darlin'," your dad chuckled. "why don't you go get dressed? you're helping us today."

"what? dad, no—"

"actually," your mom chirped, appearing from nowhere like she always did when there was potential for embarrassment, "if you help today, we can hit the mall this afternoon."

you narrowed your eyes. "promise?"

"cross my heart."

yeah, you're never going to the mall.

twenty minutes later, properly dressed in jeans and boots, you found yourself trailing behind jensen and your dad toward the stables. the horses needed tending first—they were always priority during storms.

"beauty's been real fussy lately," your dad was saying. "might need extra attention."

"i can handle the horses," you offered quickly. anything to avoid more awkward interaction with jensen.

your dad nodded. "good idea. jensen and i'll check the fencing. don't forget to clean their areas too."

you watched them head off, relief flooding through you until beauty, your black mare, nudged your shoulder. "i know, girl," you muttered. "i'm a mess."

the next hour passed peacefully enough. most of the horses were being difficult—storm weather always made them antsy—but beauty kept them in line with warning neighs whenever they got too rowdy. you were halfway through brushing down the last horse when boots scuffed against the stable floor behind you.

"need any help?"

you jumped, spinning around to find jensen leaning against one of the stalls. "jesus, wear a bell or something."

he laughed, pushing off the frame and walking over. "your dad said to come check on you. more workers showed up to help with the heavy lifting."

"'m fine," you said quickly, turning back to the horse. "almost done."

"you sure? because that one looks about ready to bite."

as if on cue, the horse snapped its teeth, and you jerked back. jensen stepped forward, his chest brushing your back as he reached for the brush. "here," he murmured, his breath warm against your ear. "let me."

you stepped aside, watching as he effortlessly calmed the horse with a few gentle strokes. "show off."

"nah," he grinned. "just been doing this since i could walk. your ranch is different though. bigger than ours."

"yeah?" you leaned against the stable wall. "how so?"

and just like that, the awkwardness melted away. jensen told you about his family's ranch, about learning to ride before he could properly run, about the differences in how each ranch operated. by the time your dad called everyone in for dinner, you'd almost forgotten about your embarrassing first meeting.

your mom, ever the hostess, had prepared enough food to feed an army. neighbors started arriving, filling your house with chatter and laughter. you showered and changed, choosing a soft sweater and clean jeans, your hair finally tamed.

"movie time!" someone called after dinner, and suddenly the living room was full of kids your age, all piling onto couches to watch christmas reruns.

you tucked yourself into the corner of the couch, trying to take up as little space as possible. but then jensen sat next to you, his thigh pressing against yours despite the space on his other side. you tried to scoot away, give him room, but he just moved closer.

"cold?" he whispered, and before you could answer, his hand found yours.

your palm went instantly clammy. across the room, you caught daisy oliver's glare—everyone knew she had a thing for jensen, had been trying to catch his eye for months. you tried to pull away, but his fingers tightened.

"relax," he murmured, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. "this okay?"

you nodded, unable to form words, and spent the rest of the night hyper-aware of every small movement of his hand against yours.

the next morning, you hid in your room, avoiding the inevitable goodbye when his dad came to pick him up. you'd heard the rumors about him and daisy so holding his hand felt like crossing a line you hadn't meant to cross.

you didn't know then that jensen had never looked twice at her. didn't know that he had spend the whole ride home telling his dad about the girl in pajamas who'd caught his eye. didn't know that this was just the beginning.

𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐀𝐋 taglist. @deanswidow @a1ecmcdowell @beausling @titsout4jackles @frosttbitessam @aileenunfiltered @deansbite @jasvtsc @fallbhind @ostaramoon @lacydollette @ultravi0lence14 @rubyvhs ◟ ☆ ݁ ⋆ 🏇 ˚⊹ ˖ ﾟ✶ ݁. comment OR send an ask to be added / removed !!!!!

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[vanesycho]

You write so, so, so well. New reader here. I esp think you write imagery so well - like it transports the reader THERE. 🫡

Is it alright to request for fluff/angst with Jeno? Like girl pines for him and he likes somebody else at first. But when she starts moving on (or maybe fake dating/just being chummy with someone else), he catches feelings or something? I dunno - I just want a jealous Jeno in my life. 🫠😅

Thank you so much for your nice comment and request🤍🤍 I had so much fun while writing this, I hope you enjoy reading it too🥹

friends to lovers with Jeno [Fluff / Angst]

playlist:laufey-let you break my heart again/ laufey-magnolia/ sarah kang-hopeless romantic/ kwon jin ah-the universe

wc:2,8k

──────────────────────

You didn't listen to your friends' conversation, you had arranged to meet at a cafe but your mind was only on Jeno, he still hadn't come and you were quietly waiting to see his face. You let out a breath of exasperation and took a sip of your drink, turning back when you heard the door of the cafe open, Jeno walked in with that smile of his that you were a fan of. He greeted everyone at the table and you watched him, stood up and were about to hug him but he walked past you and you stopped in your tracks. You felt your heart ache as Jeno walked towards Minji in the corner and hugged her tightly. You tried to hold back the tears as your eyes filled with tears, you sat down in your seat in shame, Jeno grabbed your shoulders and leaned towards you before he sat down his seat "Hello to you too."

He walked over to Minji and started chatting with her directly, you spent the rest of the time in silence, taking a deep breath every time you heard the two of them laughing, Jaemin noticed this and leaned towards you "Are you okay, princess? You've been awfully quiet today." You turned to him and smiled slightly, Jaemin was always the only one who could notice you in a crowd, he would do anything to make sure you didn’t feel left out and upset. You nodded, "I'm fine, thank you." He raised an eyebrow, then studied your face, you laughed at the facial movements he made as he narrowed his eyes. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, I promise, I'm fine." You listed the words that you knew very well were lies one by one. Even though Jaemin wasn’t satisfied with your answer but he didn’t push it, still asking again every now and then throughout the rest of the day to make sure you were okay.

As the clock ticked down, your friends left the table one by one, leaving only Jaemin, Jeno, Minji and you. You didn't want to watch them, each scene making your heart ache more. The way Jeno smiles at Minji while she's talking, how he fixes her messy hair every now and then, how he never stops complimenting her...

You were close with Jeno but not as close as she was, you couldn’t be, you always held yourself back, you always thought you weren’t enough for him. You didn’t think you were beautiful, even though Jeno said the opposite, every time you said that he would get mad at you and tell you to never say something like that to yourself again. But after a while you realized that he had stopped caring, there seemed to be a momentary coldness between you and Jeno, now you understand why.

"Oh wait a second, keep talking." Jeno reached for Minji's hair, he fixed it, and when you stood up quickly, everyone at the table turned to you. "Sorry, I have to go too." Jeno asked, “Do you want me to give you a ride? It’s too late." You quickly shook your head in the negative. "No no, don't bother." You took your bag and left the cafe without waiting any longer. You heard the sounds of running behind you. Jaemin stopped in front of you and you saw that he was out of breath. “Jaemin? Why did you come?”

Jaemin put his hands on his knees and tried to catch his breath, he stood up and pointed his index finger at you "I couldn't stand seeing that disgusting couple, and come on, explain what happened." You rolled your eyes. “Nothing’s wrong Jaemin, I’m just sleepy and want to go home.” He crossed his arms, leaning towards you. “So you don’t love Jeno and not get jealous of him because Jeno likes her.” You opened your eyes in surprise. “What- are you-”

You jumped back when he gave you a light flick on the head. “Ouch!” He came closer and rubbed you forehead "I'm sorry Y/n, but I thought you needed to get your head together, of course I know, you stupid? You couldn't have made it so obvious, but I don't know who's more stupid, you or Jeno who can't see this because he's blind as fuck." He put his hand on his chin and thought for a while "I can't decide, you are both stupid." You let out a breath of exasperation. “Well, Jaemin? This really isn’t the time to be joking around. Say whatever you want to say." He clapped his hands excitedly and grabbed your arms. "Let's make him jealous." You tilted your head slightly to the side and mumbled to yourself, "I think you're the real stupid here."

"No no listen, it will definitely work, let's set up a meeting for tomorrow and leave the rest to me." You took your arms off of him "The part where I leave the rest to you scares me even more." rolled his eyes "Ha. ha." He watched you as you started walking towards your house, following you with small steps. “You know I can’t stand seeing you sad, you love Jeno so much, even the way you look at him shows, I understand if you don’t want to do this but please…Don't let him get you down and when you feel the slightest bit sad call me and I will kick his ass."

When you arrived in front of your house you turned to him, he chuckled as you wrapped your arms around his waist, put his head on top of yours, wrapping his arms around you. "Thank you, Jaemin." Your hug lasted a little longer, he wouldn't pull away unless you pulled away, he would make sure you got as much as you needed, he was like a long lost brother to you. "Y/n?"

You stepped back as the person called your name, you looked to the side and saw Jeno, he walked towards the two of you "Jeno? I thought you were at the cafe." Jaemin took a few steps back and watched you. "Minji had to leave early too. I was worried when you left like that, you looked so dull all day." You hummed. "I see." The awkward silence between you continued until Jeno noticed Jaemin behind you. “Did you come here together?” When you opened your mouth to answer, Jaemin quickly came to you and wrapped his arm around you. "Yeah I couldn't leave her alone you know, someone had to do it and since you talked to Minji I did it."

You looked at Jaemin’s arm wrapped around your shoulder and then at his face. Jeno couldn’t answer, he gathered the words in his head. "Then...I'd better go? Good to see you're okay Y/n, good night." You watched as Jeno turned away, watch him go making your heart ache again as Jaemin turned to you with excitement. “Yes yes!! Did you see what happened?” You turned to him with a pout. “Yeah, you practically made him leave, we could have talked more..." Jaemin rubbed his eyes with one hand and pinched the bridge of his nose in anger. “Y/n, I love you but sometimes you deserve to have your ass kicked.”

You were about to raise your hand and hit him but he stopped you. “Okay, okay, listen to me. It's not taken him so long to get here, that means he didn't even drop Minji off at her house and came after you just because he was curious. If you believe it."

"And?" he took a deep breath. "And did you see the look in his eyes when he realized I was being so close to you? He was definitely jealous and angry." You laughed hysterically "Okay now you're talking nonsense." Still, you couldn't help but think, he really had come to your house. Could it be possible? It wasn't even the last thing you thought that Jeno had feelings for you, but Jaemin, who you thought was talking nonsense, was talking sense. "Even so, why would he like Minji?" Of course, Jaemin did not leave this unanswered "Because Jeno is an idiot who doesn't know what he feels for anyone, his heart is with you but he's too blind to realize it, so that's where I come in." He spread his arms out to the side and showed himself ostentatiously. “Don’t worry, it won’t even take long for him to notice, just give it a day.” He ruffled your hair. "Good night." Jaemin went in the opposite direction, you went into your house and gave yourself some time to think.

──────────────────────

"I can't believe we're going to do this." You said as you waited in front of Jeno’s door “You know, you think too much, relax and leave the rest to your Jaemin oppa." Jeno opened the door and smiled when he saw the two of you, you stepped into his house without waiting when he invited you in.

The first few minutes went by normally but then the conversation was interrupted by a phone ringing, you saw Minji's name on Jeno's phone, Jeno answered the phone "Yes? You here? I'm coming." Jeno stood up "I'll be right back Minji is here I'll help her find the house." Jaemin crossed his arms where he sat. “You invited her? I thought it was going to be the three of us?” You thanked Jaemin in your mind for asking him the question that was on your mind. Jeno couldn’t think of anything to say. Jaemin raised an eyebrow questioningly. “I just didn’t want her to be alone. Would it be bad if she hung out with us?” He left the room without giving Jaemin a chance to respond, leaving the two of you alone. Jaemin laughed hysterically. “Hah! Look at Jeno, he thinks he's smart." When he noticed that you weren’t making any noise, he turned to you, you were just staring at the floor. “Jaemin, can we please go? I told you it was a bad idea."

Jaemin quickly approached you "No, are you crazy? No backing down, if that's how he wants to play then that's how we'll play too." Jeno and Minji walked in shortly after, Minji gave a quick hello to the two of you and of course sat down next to Jeno.

You talked about a few things and passed the time. "Hey, let's play truth or dare." You frowned at the idea Jaemin had come up with. “Are we teenagers Jaemin? We talked so well, where did the game come from?”

"I think it could be fun, right Jeno?" You gave up and agreed to play as Jeno immediately nodded in agreement. You all sat down on the floor and placed a bottle in the middle, Jeno spun the bottle and you let out a deep breath as you and Jeno stood first, you really didn't want to do this. "Truth or dare?" "Truth." You replied quickly, just wanted it to be over. "Is there something going on between you two?"

"Huh?" The question caught you off guard, it was a question that would stay in your hands no matter what you said, if you said yes, if you even had a chance with Jeno, you would end it yourself. But if you said no, it wouldn't have gone according to plan. You felt the eyes of three people on you, Jaemin saw that you were struggling and he cussed Jeno out. "Even if there is, would it be any of your business?" Jeno continued to stare at you, you refused to look at him, as he spun the bottle again, "No. No it wouldn't."

A few rounds of normal questions were asked, then the bottle stopped at Jaemin and Jeno. "Truth." Jeno replied. Jaemin fell silent, his eyes fixed on Jeno. Jeno waited calmly for his question. “So is there anything going on between 'you two' ?” Jeno laughed hysterically, "Come on Jaemin, come up with more creative questions."

"You didn't answer my question." "Y/n didn't answer either." You exhaled in exasperation, your heart tightened, even coming here and meeting was a mistake, you didn't want to deal with these two fighting. "Guys please, let's just finish the game." "We can finish after you answer my question." Jeno turned his eyes back to you. You looked at him. “None of your business.” He grinned. “So that’s a yes? Since you insist on not answering.” He starting to get on your nerves, what was with this attitude? Was Jeno thinking about you now?

Your voice rose up unintentionally. “Why do you care about having someone in my life when you have someone in yours? All you’ve been doing lately is ignoring me.” He tilted his head to the side, the tension in the atmosphere making Minji and Jaemin nervous as well, the two of them watching you both with silence, as they glanced at each other, not sure if they should intervene. “Ignoring you is the last thing I want to do, Y/n. You’re the one who’s been acting cold towards me. I thought you didn't want me because every time I tried to get close to you you pushed me back."

"I didn't push you away, you just walked out of my life."

"No, I didn't-"

"Enough!!" Minji’s shout interrupted the two of you, even Jaemin didn’t expect her to shout and looked at her in surprise. She turned her head to Jeno "I can't keep this up anymore Jeno, just tell her you love her, god." You frowned. “What do you mean?” "Minji-" Jeno spoke angrily, Minji ignored him and turned to you "This idiot tried to make you jealous because he couldn't stand you ignoring him and thought this would work, but I guess he couldn't stand it when the same thing was done to him?" She grabbed her bag and stood up "You better fix this thing between you two, because I don't want to hear Jeno's love poems about you anymore, like I'm gonna throw up."

Jaemin watched Minji with a grin, he also stood up and followed her. “Jaemin?” You called out to him, he turned around "I'm sorry Y/n, you're on your own, I have things to take care of, you know." The two left the house, leaving just the two of you, silence took over the room, you were even afraid to breathe. "Y/n." Hearing your name from him made your heart beat faster but you couldn't look at him, he approached you and put his hands on your shoulders. "Do you really think I'm ignoring you?" He leaned his head towards you and tried to catch your gaze, you swallowed, your voice coming out quieter than you expected. "I... I don't know, you just weren't the same, and when Minji came along all of a sudden, I thought you were distancing yourself from me because you liked her."

Tears welled up in your eyes. You couldn't cry in front of him, not right now. He brushed back the hair that was covering your face, holding your cheek and making you look at him, smiling slightly when he saw your beautiful face. "I'm so sorry, I made you feel bad, I'm such an idiot Y/n. But I don't understand...If you...Love me too? Why did you push me back?" Jeno felt his heart clench when he saw a tear run down your cheek, he wiped the flowing tears with his thumb. You tried to gather your sentences, and as you felt his warm touch on your cheek, you realized how much you actually missed him.

"I..I was scared, I thought I wasn't enough, I was scared that you would only see me as your friend, I thought you deserved someone more beautiful and better than me." You listed the thoughts in your mind one by one. He looked at you in surprise and opened his mouth, “You...How can you think of yourself like that?" He pulled you to him and wrapped his arms around you tightly, he put his hand in your hair and started caressing, you couldn't hold yourself back anymore and more tears flowed.

"I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, it makes me sad that you don't even know how beautiful, sweet and naive you are. If it were possible to give you all the love in the world, I would do it without a second thought, because you deserve every single word of love, Y/n, every single compliment. I don't know if you will accept my love but...If you do I promise I will make you feel all my love." You pulled back, he didn't take his arms off of you, he watched you lift your head to look at him while still hugging you. He chuckled at how cute you looked as you looked at him with tears in your eyes, he kissed the tip of your nose. "Do you want to start over, this time as my girlfriend?" You smiled and answered without hesitation, "I would love to."

[kindred-spirit-93]

I KINDA CLEANED MY WINDOWS!!

its probably going to rain and render my efforts useless but idc its been bothering me for so long and today i did the bare minimum and im happy. i used wipes lol i can see dust lines but still. a win is a win

--

kinda going through it. i think its a quarter life crisis lmao (or half whos to say ;)) except its very chill. like milestones and relationships arent bothering me (all in good time im in no rush) and i dont feel like im behind or missing out on anything.

im just existing and trying to make it till graduation yk? im tired

skipped another class today lol (last one no promises tho) to go to the cafeteria again. im allowing myself to compromise bc i really am not feeling great. ofc theres no one but myself to blame for that lol but this aint about her. also social anxiety can go cry in the corner >:)

--

wearing my emotional support turtleneck lmao, ate a bite of yesterdays carrot cake (divine), my beloved honeybee plushie is within arms reach. im trying. and its progress

new year tomorrow so hopefully ill snap into it again and feel better after studying and ticking a few boxes. hopefully.

so many things i want to do. short term and long term. so little time and barakah these days. but we persist.

--

i love my patho prof so much. my uncle taught her during at some point and she worked with another uncle of mine for some time so she knows the family well. shes so wonderful and always keen to learn and help (conflict of interest who? im joking were all very professional which surprisingly is the opposite of the norm here. but thats an essay for another time)

yesterday after class she read and went through the physicians oath (fun fact theres a muslim version! and generally modern versions lol iirc the og hippocratic one was a bit wild) with us and its beautiful. i plan on printing it out and sticking it somewhere i can see.

anyway i think its important to keep the end goal (visibly) in sight bc its easy esp for me to get caught up in the minutiae of the every day and get overwhelmed, so its a good reminder for me to renew my intention every now and again, and to appreciate how far ive come :)

--

dont u hate it when ur upset or angry and then every inanimate object in existence conspires against u. like wtf are u doin. why are u unionising and why tf is it against me??? im on ur side u jerks >:'(

in ther news my baby cousin is the cutest lil man on the planet his shenanigans are always hysterical. yesterday he left all his toys to go play with the aubergines lmao. legos? nah we stacking tuna cans XD

--

my dads meeting a friend today so i asked him over lunch what [friends] phd was about since his bachelors is in arabic. like what research do u do in languages, and he said the master thesis was abt the sentence structure of the nabataean language (aramaic i think) and how it resembles arabic. and if thst isnt the coolest fricking thing idk what is

i love languages so much i really wish i could learn every langauge under the sun and read every book in existence. maybe in heaven lol. anyway i asked him if he could ask him to recommend me a book and he said he will :3

the 2 books i bought last year when we went to turkiye abt the ottoman empire sitting on my shelves collecting dust: this bitch

--

my hands are cold and im getting too lazy to type lol. thank u for reading this far, might post some class doodles today idk (my attention span these days is truly something scandalous)

hope ur all doing well! take care of yo selves, drink water or ill personally hunt u down, and enjoy da fireworks tonight!

"with alarm, your scholar" - kindred

[not-goldy]

I've done a lot of thinking. Kind of long thoughts. Sorry.

When we got news BTS was joining MS. I threw up at the thought of Jimin going & panicking on behalf of Jikook. I remember saying I don't think Jikook can go 2 years without each other are they gonna make it, more importantly is Jungkook gonna be okay? Spoiler alert. The answer is NO & we saw that with his breakdown when Jimin was in reach, but busy during Chapter 2. Had that man in a downward spiral knowing he was still seeing Jimin & could pop over, but not as much as he's use too & was not coping well and told us & showed us he wanted his Jimin. Then it was Jimin's turn to pout when Jk was busy. Made me sad but then we saw them making the best of 2023 spending alone vacations together & couple days, even days before enlisting. And I was like pheew, at least they're spending time together so maybe when separation comes, they'll be okay. Spoiler alert. Jikook said NO we won't be okay & pulled the biggest FU you aren't separating us move, that's ever been pulled. I be damn if they weren't behind the scenes making arrangements to not only be together, but share a bed, a unit, living area & in a buddy program that has it where they even take their vacation days together & see each other every day til discharge. Blew my damn mind, but at the same time not shocked cause of course Jikook would pull off something like that. Everyone should've seen it coming to be honest. JUST WOW. The real definition of "Screaming, I testify that we'll survive the test of time. They can't deny our love. They can't divide us, we'll survive the test of time. I promise I'll be right here."

That said. This woman pulling this with Jimin or that woman with Jk. Doesn't matter. I know regardless of what happens behind closed doors, my duo are the closest no matter what anyone says. Its a real genuine bond no one can break, not even random women or men for that matter. They're the two who are spending time in their rooms when they could be with others, spending their vacations off camera alone cooking at their house or coming back home together from LA when others went off on their vacations & them spending couple days together over everyone else. Enlisting together & making life decisions together. Dropping honorifics to show their closeness & even their parents show constant support toward the other. Who make time for each other on their birthdays & really commit to it year after year. Say what you want but I'm at peace knowing how much Jikook truly love each other. Its not fake or baiting. They're genuinely close & comfortable with each other, esp enough to cross friendship boundaries. Whatever that means for them. Take that how you want. I haven't been stanning two people who are exaggerating & making their bond seem closer then what it is for the sake of the group or to entertain fans, when in reality they're off building a relationship & life with their real partner over each other & don't even spend significant holidays or birthdays or couple days together. NO. Instead, I'm stanning Jikook who always put each other first (over their own partners if they have them) for when it really matters, including on couple days & does it year after year & are consistent. Jikook have proven for years they're the closest & the military enlistment solidified that cause you only join with a buddy program with friends you are the closet too or with your actual partner. Take your pick, cause we know both can apply here and Jikook did that. And no one can take that away from them. And guess what they're still together today through all the bullshit and hate. And that matters to me & I support whatever they have. They have nothing else they need to prove to me. I get others need more validation, but I'm content & at peace & just happy knowing while all this melodramatic bullshit is going down, that Jikook have each other and Jimin is not dealing with this alone. They have each other to rely on through good and bad in there. So I sleep well at night knowing that. They'll never make me hate you or turn my back on your Jikook. Thanks for listening.

Been awhile I read something interesting in my Ask box so thanks for your thoughts.

The Jimin going away had us all too so I understand what you mean. We try not to victimize him and treat him like a fragile being but sometimes instincts override our every senses.

I wanna dwell on that a little bit to say things are going much better than I thought.

The anxiety and panic attacks thinking he can't take that isolation for long but bro went in there and dominated 💀

It's a fuck you to every single person who thought him a feeble weak submissive gay man. Don't you just love it when it's the stigmatized gay ones who end up setting the standard of the ever cherished male masculinty and who end up dominating the upper echelons of their prized male sports???

Who's your daddy

Better say his name bitch

I feel yuh on the other stuff too

We riding till the wheels fall off

Old Town road style 😎

[wrestletotheground]

pierced - ross macdonald x reader

cw: 18+ minors dni!!! smut, sub ross (ik I'm losing the run of myself), established relationship, nipple piercings, sexual tension, sending nudes, ab riding, unprotected sex

a/n: the long awaited Nipple Piercing Gf Fic™️ is here at last 🥳 this took way too long to be this mid but enjoy whores <3 (esp anon who requested this months ago oops)

wc: 2.8k

~

today is the day. you're finally seeing ross after 3 weeks of him being away on tour. he's arranged to have you flown in to one of the shows and to spend a few days with him and the band.

as you walk through the arrival gates of the airport, you're instantly met with three familiar faces. george, matty and ross are standing watching the door, waiting for you. as soon as they see you their faces light up. of course you run straight to ross, who's walking towards you with his arms out holding a bouquet of your favourite flowers. he embraces you in his arms, both of you gushing about how much you missed each other while your face is buried in his chest.

you pull away after a few moments and take the flowers, your heart melting at the gesture, to greet the others. matty brings you in for a hug, a sleepy smile on his face as he exclaims how they've all been dying to see you.

george does the same, and when you step back he's the first to notice the new piercings poking through your t-shirt. he looks up at you, a knowing look in his eyes and a smirk pulling at his mouth. 'oh he's going to lose his mind', he says quietly with a grin. you giggle and hit his arm lightly, then make your way over to ross again.

that's when he catches sight of them. he's been staring at you ever since you approached him but now his eyes are instantly drawn to the metal balls of your nipple piercings showing through the cotton of your baby tee. his jaw practically hits the floor before his face catches up with his brains and he looks back up at you, wide eyed. you smile innocently as he looks away, rubbing his lip with his hand and smiling to himself in an attempt to hide how flustered he's getting. 'what?' you cock your head to the side, acting oblivious.

'baby.. did you..' his gaze flicks back down as he speaks, staring in disbelief. 'I got them done the day after you left, thought you'd like a little surprise after being away for so long,' you say. 'fucking hell,' he mutters, his face flushed. he adjusts his jeans not-so subtly and shifts his stance, clearly getting worked up over the jewelry.

'you like them?' you ask with a smirk. 'do i like them?? darling if it wasn't frowned upon to fuck you in public i'd know what they taste like already'. you glance over at the others who are most definitely in earshot of the unfiltered sentence that's just left your boyfriend's mouth but it's not like they haven't heard worse from the two of you before anyway.

'right lovebirds, off we go. this car's not gonna drive itself,' george states, flicking his keys in his hand before setting off towards the car park. him and matty lead the way with you and ross following closely, just far enough behind so you can both talk properly.

the entire walk ross has you on his arm, every so often leaning in to whisper vulgar promises of the things he's gonna do to you once you're alone later. your other hand grips onto the bouquet tightly as your whole body burns with desire for him already, and you've only just arrived. this is going to be a long day.

~

the four of you are settled and on the road when matty explains the plan for the day to you. 'so we're going straight to the venue for sound check, then out for dinner with everyone, then it's showtiiime baby'. ross's eyes widen and his head snaps towards the front of the car. 'wait a minute, what? I thought we were going back to the hotel first,' he says, trying to hide the desparation in his tone as he looks over at you.

'no time, sorry mate I know you've missed her but it'll have to wait til later,' matty replies, throwing you a wink in the rear view mirror. 'right fuck off,' he laughs, covering his face and hanging his head in exaggerated shame. you stifle a giggle, grabbing hold of his hand that's resting on the middle seat.

the rest of the car ride is simmering with tension between you and ross. although you're acting casual with the other two in the front seats, you can't help the pulsing ache that's building in your core, worsening every time you catch the glint in his eyes as you're talking.

~

sound check goes pretty well, and it's great to be reunited with the rest of the band and crew that you've missed from last time you were on tour with them. well, except for the fact ross keeps getting distracted by you, messing up bass lines that have been purely muscle memory for years every time he glances over to the edge of the stage where you're sitting chatting with carly. every time you catch his eye you give him a smile and an encouraging nod to let him know you're listening to him play.

as sound check finishes, everyone agrees that they don't want to go anywhere too fancy to eat, and that's how you find yourself in the booth in the corner of a local retro style diner. ross is involved in nearly every conversation you're a part of, completely enamoured by you as usual. you're in the middle of a conversation with him, polly and john about their spotify wrapped when you excuse yourself to the bathroom, leaving the three of them talking amongst themselves.

you lock the cubicle door behind you when an idea springs to mind. you sit on the closed toilet lid and take your phone out of your pocket. you open the camera, lifting the hem of your tshirt up to your neck and leaving your whole chest on display. you cover one of your tits with your open palm, making sure to have the nipple on show through your spread fingers. you snap a few pictures and then flick through them quickly to find the best one that shows off every curve just right. you open your chats with ross and hit send without a second thought.

ross's phone buzzes on the table and when he checks to see the picture in his inbox he nearly chokes on his drink. he rushes to hide his phone under the table, earning strange glances from a few of the others, which quickly dissipate into the back of his mind when he turns down his brightness and enlarges the picture. his pants suddenly feel too tight, and he's fighting the urge to run into the bathroom and bend you over the sink there and then, make you scream for him. he clicks the phone off and shoves it into his back pocket, clearing his throat to cover the desperate groan that lingers in his throat.

you saunter back over to the table with your boyfriend's flustered gaze watching you the whole way. he leans in close to you as soon as you're sat. 'you're killing me, love,' he whispers. 'oh baby, it'd be no fun if i wasn't, you know that,' you reply in a hushed tone, planting your hand on his thigh as you take a sip of your diet coke.

~

the concert goes pretty well, except for the fact that ross is distracted by the thought of you the whole time, standing side stage watching and waiting for him.

he's never been more thankful for the fact he plays bass so low as it covers the achingly obvious bulge in his trousers that's there practically the whole two hours they're performing.

~

the rest of the guys had gone out for drinks after the show, but you and ross literally couldn't wait a second longer than necessary to be alone.

after an excruciating elevator ride alongside a tired, unassuming businessman, you finally get to your hotel room. he's fumbling with the key as you wait impatiently beside him, already shivering at the thought of his touch.

he finally gets the key to work and barges through the door, barely having a chance to slam it behind the two of you and flick on the light before he has you pinned against the wall, kissing and grabbing at you like a starved man. his mouth melts against yours, his taste almost overwhelming.

your jacket falls to the floor behind you, giving him a full view of your hardened nipples through the tshirt again. 'get this off darling, need to see you,' he mumbles, already dizzy at the feeling of you against him at last.

you oblige, making a bit of a show out of it just to tease him even more. you fling it onto the floor behind you and he nearly falls to his knees at the sight. literally. he gets on his knees in front of you so that the piercings are at eye level with him, utterly enraptured by you. 'fuck,' he mumbles, before burying his face in your chest, moving around to swipe his tongue over the place he's been dying to taste all day.

you grab his head and pull him further into you, the pressure making your head spin. your head rolls back and all you can hear are your own sugary sweet moans and the wet noises of his mouth working it's magic on you.

'get on the bed, need to be on you,' you say through stuttered breaths. he moans into your tit, reluctantly moving his head back up to yours and dragging you over until he falls onto the bed with you between his legs.

you immediately pull his top off, throwing it off somewhere behind him. you watch the way his necklace bounces onto his chest and nearly fold at the sight of him. then without warning you pull down your trousers and practically jump onto him, pushing him down onto his back. his eyes flash with darkness, muttering under his breath as he drinks in your body greedily. you shuffle down to undo his pant zipper, a hungry look plastered across your face. after some fumbling and a nod of approval from him, you manage to get his jeans and briefs off, leaving him fully undressed and achingly hard.

the second you're back on top of him he pulls your neck down to meet his lips in a bruising kiss, practically devouring each other.

the sudden contact of your spread cunt with his skin makes you gasp, he's real, he's there. much as you tried over the past few weeks, your hand has been a weak replacement for him, for the way your bodies fit together like puzzle pieces of euphoria.

you hook your finger under his chain, tugging it towards you with just enough force to make the gold metal dig into the back of his neck, forcing him to strain up towards you.

'are you gonna be a good boy and let me get off first or do you want me to make you beg for it?' you're practically mewling to him, tilting your head back and looking at him through half-lidded eyes.

'yes- ah- fuck- please love, use me- mfh,' he whines, biting his lip as you roll your hips back, your ass pressing against his aching cock.

you start to grind slowly on his lower stomach, feeling the muscles tighten and contract with every breath. his belly has always been one of your favourite parts of him, and you make sure he knows it.

'fuck, i've missed you baby, missed this,' you moan, the friction hitting just right as he arches up into you ever so slightly.

he grabs a strong hold of your hips, guiding your movements and gaping up at you. 'that feel good?' he asks shyly. 'so fucking good, you've- mmh- no idea.' that's clearly exactly what he needed to hear, you can feel his cock jumping at your words, tipping off your lower back.

you can feel your slick spreading down further by the second as you near your peak, nearly reaching your thighs.

he pulls you closer onto him, desperate to please you as he rocks your pussy over him. 'god, I'm gonna cum, you feel so good, fuck.' you study his face, in a state of hazy disbelief over how hot he is, and your stomach tightens rapidly when you hit a certain angle. 'right there- keep going- ughhhh GOD ross.'

your orgasm washes over you in waves as your eyes roll into your head, trying to keep your shaky figure from falling onto him as you ride out your high. his fingertips dig into your sides and his eyes glaze over with lust, fixated on your every move. 'you're so fucking beautiful falling apart on me like that,' he whispers. 'you're fucking perfect, I love you,' you reply, smashing your mouth against his again, messier this time.

the hairs that litter his lower stomach are soaked, covered in you. just below that his cock is leaking and swollen, looking like he could cum right there and then untouched, and the sight alone makes your mouth water.

'since you've been so good for me, what do you want?' you ask, running a hand down his face and around the back of his neck.

'you, fuck, ride me, please' he stutters, chest rising and falling rapidly under you. as though any inhibitions have been wiped from his brain.

he's so desperate it's honestly cute. it's rare that he's so submissive but you're relishing in the power rushing to your head.

's'that what you want baby?' he nods his head quickly and his hips lift into you subconsciously, desperately. you rise up on your knees and shuffle backwards, lining him up with your dripping entrance.

he's barely inside you and he's already straining and groaning, his face turning red as he tries his best to hold out for you. you start moving up and down with fervor, greedily chasing your own high again. you can tell neither of you are going to last long with the fact you've been apart for so much time.

his eyes are drawn to the piercings again and he looks up at you pleadingly. you lean forward, starting to circle your hips as he dips his head down to take one in his mouth. your eyes roll back as the feeling of his tongue circling your sensitive nipples sends electricity shooting through you. 'fuck, knew you'd love it baby,' you moan, your hand running through his hair, tugging lightly every time he hits just right. his thighs tremble under you as you continue your unrelenting pace.

'being so fucking good for me,' you say, just to tease him even more. his eyebrows wrinkle and you can feel his movements getting less and less controlled, signalling that he's close.

'please, can I cum, please, mmh, need it,' he whines. his grip on your waist tightens as he pleads, teeth digging into his lip so hard you think it might bleed.

you lean down, never slowing your pace, and whisper in his ear.

'let go. cum for me, pretty boy'

his brain all but shuts down as his climax instantly crashes over him. unrestrained curses and groans fall from his raw red lips as his warmth pulses inside you. his hips buck off the mattress, burying his cock deeper inside you than before. the look on his face, eyes creased in ecstasy and jaw slack in pleasure is what tips you over the edge. with a final roll of your hips into him, the band inside you snaps. fireworks dance across your vision, crying out as you grip onto his shoulders, practically convulsing.

'fuckkkfuckfuck thank you, thank you,' he whimpers, eyes blown out with lust as he stares at you in awe. you finally let yourself collapse onto him, completely exhausted. his chest heaves under you as both of you catch your breath.

you prop your chin up on his chest, faces inches apart, letting comfortable silence envelop the two of you. his cheeks heat up, as if the realisation is dawning of just how submissive he's been. 'did you like that baby?' you ask. 'fuck, I loved it, you need to do that more often,' he laughs.

you sit up suddenly when you feel something dripping out of you slowly, and giggle at his reaction. his jaw is dropped, eyes focused on your core before he blinks and comes to. 'god, sorry- I just- right, let's get cleaned up,' he says, leaning up on his elbows. you press a kiss to his forehead to which he smiles, before following you up into the bathroom.

~

[friedbaekhyunandeggso]

found you - ch. 2 (part II)

pairing: gojo satoru x female oc (ara natsuna)

tropes: psycho! rival! athlete! yandere! gojo x introvert! booksmart! oc

warnings: 18+ only babes, profanity, pet-names (baby, kitten), stalking/possessive themes, manipulation, dub/non-consented sex, nipple play, size kink (slightly), fingering, begging, oral (f receiving), praising/dirty talk, rough sex, choking (a lil) & jus gojo being unhinged (as usual)

word count/plot: [6.4k] ara catches gojo's attention when news breaks that she is the top academically ranked student in their grade. he is ranked second. he tries to befriend her but she ignores him. despite her obvious disinterest, his obsession begins...

a/n: i took forever to edit this bc for some reason i thought i already posted it LMAo BUT y'all i'm like 75% thru w the next chapter n i'm lowkey scared to post it LMFAO (yes ik i'm a slow writer but pLS bear w me, next chapter is also hella long & wild). anyway tysm for all ur comments on the last post, esp the long ones! i read all of them & they make me happy :,) pls enjoyy

ch. 1 , chapter 2 [ part 1 | part 2 ] , ch. 3

She jolted when she heard a knock on her bedroom window. She glanced over at the electric clock on her desk. 7:16 pm.

She swallowed, glancing over at her bedroom door to make sure it was locked before her head whipped around at the sound of his voice.

“Hi, baby.”

He stepped out from behind the curtains, that easygoing smile on his face. He wore a navy blue half-zip sweater, layered with a white tee underneath and loose-fitted light gray sweatpants. His platinum hair tousled as usual as he approached her. He looked like a model who'd just gotten off-duty.

She was rooted in her seat when he stepped up to her. His hand resting on the back rail of her chair as he bent low to press a light kiss on her neck. His familiar scent wafted over her as she turned away.

His hand slipped over her stomach to subtly push her back flat against the chair. She held back a slight gasp.

“I missed you at school today.” he muttered.

After their ‘altercation’ earlier, he tried to convince her to come back to school with him. He offered to take her in his car but she refused-using the excuse that she already called the school saying she was sick. He then promised that he’d see her after basketball practice. She wasn’t looking forward to it.

For a second, she wondered if she should hide in the basement again but she couldn’t even if she wanted to because her Dad had come home early. He would question why she was in the basement if she stayed there for longer than necessary.

She glanced over at him, her voice low, “My Dad’s home.”

“I know.” he murmured beside her ear, “You told me over text.”

She was hoping that would deter him. She shifted slightly in her seat as his hand began to caress her stomach, “Why are you so afraid of him?” he asked.

She went still-immediately tensing up in her chair. His eyes were attentive as he watched her. Millie had told him that her parents were strict but that was all he knew.

She lightly pushed away his hand from her stomach, “I have to use the bathroom.” she whispered.

His hand wrapped around her neck, his lips at her temple, “Don’t lie to me.”

She shot out of her chair, stepping several steps away from him to get some distance. “I-I don’t want to talk about it.” she gritted out.

She didn’t look at him, her shoulders stiff as she stood still. She felt her arms shaking at her sides as she mentally prepared herself to feel some sort of pain for her defiance. But instead all she was met with was the sound of a low sigh.

She felt hands cup her face and immediately looked up. His eyes glittered, in the same way that the ocean appeared when sunlight skimmed its surface. Not that she would know–she’d only seen it in videos.

He searched her face, “Fine. But you’ll tell me soon. You’ll tell me everything soon.”

He tilted his head, “Every problem of yours is mine.”

She merely stared at him. She wished she could scream. The type of scream that could let out all the frustration she was feeling–let out all the mental torment because she was so tired of feeling like this. She hated the tiny voice in the back of her mind that wanted to tell him everything-everything down to the miniscule details because she was tired. Tired of being so alone.

But she refused to share her problems with someone who was one of her problems themselves.

Why did life have to be this way?

She snapped out of her thoughts when she felt his lips press into hers lightly.

“Let’s go somewhere,” he said, against her lips.

Her eyes widened as she pulled back.

“We have my car. Let’s go somewhere–anywhere you want.” he offered.

She stared at him—silently watching the excitement grow in his eyes.

His hands at her face squeezed slightly, “C’mon, there’s gotta be something you want. Tell me.”

She shook her head, pushing his hands away from her as she looked aside. “I have homework to do.” she muttered.

“Such a good girl.” he teased, before tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She resisted the urge to smack his hand away. He was always finding some excuse to touch her.

“Don’t you have school work to do as well?” she questioned. He was second in rank-right after her-and yet she'd never seen him do any schoolwork.

“I did most of it during my free period. I have some other stuff left but I can do it in the morning.”

“The morning?” she questioned.

He nodded before frowning, “I should’ve just brought my backpack with me. We could’ve studied together.” he pinched her cheek.

She immediately turned her head away and he chuckled. Before she could distance herself any further he grabbed her by the waist.

“I didn’t bring any books so I could pay attention to you, y’know. Now don’t make me sad and tell me where you wanna go.”

She shifted awkwardly in his hold-her hands going to his forearms, “What are you talking about-”

“Ara, I want attention,” he said, flat-out.

She froze, simply staring at him before blurting, “What are you-a baby?”

He grinned, “Yes, your baby.”

He cupped one of her tits, “I got needs, Mama.”

Just as her face twisted up and a chuckle nearly escaped his lips, her Dad’s voice suddenly arose.

“ARA! Come down and do the dishes!”

They both froze.

She pushed herself out of Gojo’s grasp, “Coming!”

Just as she headed towards the door, he grabbed her wrist.

“Listen, you better think of something or else I will.”

She hesitated before pulling her arm away and quickly leaving the room.

She stood outside her room-nervous. She had the excuse she was going to use on the tip of her tongue but she wasn’t sure how he was gonna take it. His reactions always varied.

Just as she reached for the doorknob, her room door opened and someone grabbed her arm–dragging her inside.

“Wha–” she nearly yelled but Gojo clamped his hand around her mouth.

“Shh.” he said as he silently closed the door behind her.

She glared at him, speaking through his hand, “Are you crazy? My Dad could’ve seen you.”

Her Dad had just been making his way up the stairs.

He dropped his hand, “You were taking too long. How many goddamn dishes were they?”

In truth, she had taken a while on purpose.

“A lot.” she mumbled.

He squinted-doubtfully-while watching her cross the room to her desk.

He folded his arms, leaning against the door, “Did you think of something?”

She avoided looking at him, “I seriously have work to do, Satoru..”

He uncrossed his arms, letting them drop to his sides, “I knew you were gonna say that.”

“What the hell..” she muttered, while looking at her open notebook before her. All of the questions she had to work on were already filled in. She flipped the page to see he had answered the rest of the questions as well.

She nearly jumped when she felt his arms slip around her, “Happy birthday.” he teased.

She blinked-in shock. She racked her brain for an excuse. Anything–something—

His arms squeezed around her tighter, pulling her further into his chest. He nuzzled his face into her hair, “My plan.” he murmured, possessively.

Gojo glanced over at her before tugging at her hand in his.

He pulled her into a hug, “You look so damn cute.”

She closed her eyes, merely letting herself get crushed before ducking to pull herself out of his grasp.

“You’re just saying that because I’m in your sweater.”

They had waited until her Dad retreated into his room before leaving through the window. As they waited, Gojo had wanted to pick out her outfit. She refused-instead she decided to wear black cargo pants and a graphic tee she had lying around.

He’d insisted that she wear his half-zip pullover on top because it might be ‘cold’ but in reality he just wanted to fulfill his fantasy of his girl wearing his clothes.

She stopped short, staring at the matte black McLaren P1 parked on the street. She resisted the urge to let her mouth fall open.

She turned around, “I want to go home.”

In truth, she didn’t want to be outside in the first place. She didn’t like the idea of sneaking out, especially with her Dad home but Gojo hadn’t stopped nagging. So instead the argument boiled down to making the trip super quick. He promised she’d be back in her room in a ‘jiffy’.

He grabbed her shoulders, “What happened?”

She couldn’t stand it. Him casually driving a $2 million car. It was downright obnoxious. She hated that she knew such details but it couldn’t be helped. She had a car phase back in middle school.

She glared up at him, “Did you do this on purpose?” she asked, without a second thought.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, sounding genuine-for once.

Her annoyance got the best of her as she spat, “Is this why you wanted to go out this bad? So you can show off.”

He raised a white brow, “Show off? Show off what?”

She eyed him, warily. There’s no way he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. He’s the school’s biggest flexer and he knows it.

She stared at his clueless expression with growing doubt. Does he really not know? Is driving luxury cars that much of a normal occurrence for him? How infuriating.

She looked away from him while responding flatly, “The car.”

He glanced over at the car before looking back at her. His expression blank. He repeated the action with a furrowed brow before finally drawing the connection.

He started to laugh, brightly, “What—No, no. I take the McLaren out sometimes since my Dad’s barely around to use it. It’s not mine.”

She stared at him in dubious shock. He’d said the words so casually it was maddening. Even the airiness of his laugh sounded rich.

She wanted to scoff. As if ownership is the concern. Did he not realize the price of that car could change the entirety of someone’s life? A person could go from homeless to having enough money leftover to leave to their children. She’d be set for life with that kind of money—she’d never have to rely on her Dad again.

“I want to go home.” she murmured. She didn’t think she could step in that car without feeling sick.

His hand came up to her throat and she was forced to look up at him. Her eyes went wide.

His cool, turquoise eyes scanned her face,  “It’s my plan, remember?”

She swallowed, before nodding silently. His hand felt cold on her neck. She wondered if he could feel her pulse.

“Stop worrying.” His hand slid to her jaw, his thumb grazing over her bottom lip, “You’ll be home in no time.”

She stared up at him. Her heartbeat going off at a flimsy rate as she realized there was no getting out of this one. Something about his tone made it clear.

She jolted when his lips suddenly met hers. His lips were delicate—prompting. Light, short kisses that were followed up with another. His hand on her jaw drawing her closer.

The kiss felt like a reminder. A reminder that this was still his way, his rules.

She covered her face in her hands, despite the car windows being tinted already.

She hated the attention.

She knew it was coming-she anticipated it a mile away. There was no way people were going to ignore a car like this at an ice cream parlor.

She already recognized half of the people here from school. It was the local ice cream spot that everyone went to. She was grateful Gojo respected her rule of wanting to keep their ‘relationship’ private because she was certain she’d crumble to dust if she had to step out of the car with that many eyes on her.

And yet, Gojo did it with ease.

She kept her hands over her face when the door of McLaren opened upwards in its obnoxious fashion. She didn’t need to look to know several people were staring at Gojo slip into the car.

She felt something hard poke at the top of her head, “Kitten.”

She raised her head to see him lower a soft serve ice cream cone in front of her. Apparently, that was something she was required to get.

She took it, “Thank you.”

A short laugh left him and she glanced over to see him sitting comfortably in his seat, arm resting on the ledge of the car door. A subtle grin on his lips as he stared at her.

“Is being seen with me that much of a problem?”

She tensed, her grip on the cone tightening as she tried to come up with a safe answer. Her mind drew a complete blank—betraying her.

Her heart beat skyrocketed when she suddenly felt Gojo’s large hand on her thigh. He squeezed.

A soft sigh left his lips and she couldn’t resist glancing his way. She tried to keep the fear off of her face only to freeze when she was met with a rather fond expression on his countenance.

His thumb caressed her thigh, “You’re shyness just makes me want to mess you up more, y’know.”

She was rooted in spot when he leaned over to place a light kiss on the corner of her lip.

He leaned back in his seat, “Go on,” he urged, faint amusement laced in his tone as he gestured towards her cone, “Eat.”

She complied, licking up the side of the soft serve. It was delicious. She couldn’t remember the last time she had it.

“How is it.” he asked, his voice oddly tight.

She licked her lips, before glancing over at him. For once his eyes were dark, nearly black. A thinly amused smile rested on his lips. She couldn’t understand his expression. She stared between his eyes, her heartbeat racing when she realized he looked.. almost.. hungry.

“It’s.. good.” she murmured.

His hand on her thigh squeezed again, making her jolt subtly.

Suddenly his face was in her neck, a breathy sound leaving his lips as his hands slipped underneath her shirt. One hand slid around her back, pulling her close to him by slipping around the curve of her waist. His other hand crept up her stomach before cupping her tits over her bra—squeezing tight.

“I can’t take it,” he nipped at her neck, “You’re gonna look so pretty giving me head.”

Her eyes widened—belatedly clocking why Gojo insisted she get the soft-serve ice cream.

She writhed underneath his hands at her tits, “Ungh—“ she shoved him away with her free hand, “You’re such a pervert.”

A dry laugh escaped him as he leaned back in his seat, running his hands over his face. Her breath stopped short when she saw the outline of something protruding in his sweatpants as he shifted in his seat.

He lowered his hands, his eyes glittering as he faced her. His head still against the headrest, “Only for you.”

“That… doesn’t make it any better.”

A smirk lit his face before his hand suddenly wrapped around her neck. She froze.

“It’s your fault. If you didn’t make my dick hard the second we met, maybe I wouldn’t be like this.”

His fingers began to caress her neck, his eyes sharp-yet endearing somehow. She felt like a flighty dove being petted by its owner-while the owner decided to kill it or not.

“You’re everything I’m not. No one knows a damn thing about you. You barely talk—in fact, you go out of your way to avoid people,” he laughed slightly, “The one friend you got, you made on the bus.”

“You're not involved in sports or clubs—not even a internship or volunteering. You’re somehow on every teacher's good side,” he smirked a bit, “That’s impossible for me.” She didn’t doubt it, Mrs. Finch was living proof.

“You don’t party, drink or smoke,” he shook his head, “You can’t imagine my surprise when your name was called first during ranking.”

His blue eyes shimmered in the dark, “A girl I didn’t even know exists. A quiet ace. Too reserved for her own good.” The words felt almost mocking.

His fingers tightened around her neck, “I was so mad I never noticed you before.”

He chuckled slightly, “Suguru didn’t get it. He didn’t get why I had to know you,“ The corner of his lip tugged upwards, “Why I wanted to peel back every layer of you and figure you out.”

“But I.. I had to understand how someone like you exists. There’s no way someone that smart wouldn’t show it off. There’s no way you’re first in rank with no extracurriculars either, but—you're just that good aren’t you?”

His face was close to hers now, “Have you ever gotten anything below a 95 in your life?”

She wasn’t breathing. It was true. She hadn’t—she wanted to say she was naturally gifted at school. And maybe she was to some extent, but without fail-she always tried on her assignments. No matter how hopeless, depressed and alone she felt. Completing her assignments and getting good grades was the only validation she got. The only validation that felt just.

She happened to get close to teachers because of it. Teachers always respected her intellect, despite her introvertedness.

“It would’ve been easier if I was mad at you,” he mused, a faint smile on his lips, “Suguru thought I was—he thought I felt one upped by you. And I guess I did.. for a bit.”

He chuckled, “Ego is such a fickle thing.. You don’t know how much you bruised mine when you didn’t even speak to me when I first approached you.”

His smile widened, “No one’s ever treated me like that. Even people who don’t like me still spare me a word, at least.”

His hand around her throat drew her closer, “You looked at me like I was nothing.”

A dark smile spread across his lips, “And now I’m gonna become your everything.”

Just as he lowered his lips for a kiss, she wrenched out of his grasp. Her back partly against her seat and the car door as she breathed raggedly. She felt drops of ice-cream slip past her fingers and make puddles on the floor.

She closed her eyes, trembling so bad that she didn’t even want to look at him.

“Ara,” his voice felt distant to her ears, “Araa, did I scare you?”

She flinched when she felt his knuckles graze her cheek, immediately facing the other way before freezing when she realized she wasn’t supposed to act like this. She was supposed to act like she was afraid of falling in love with him.

But how could she? How could she act when he’d completely ruined her just for the sake of his ego. She felt sick—absolutely sick. She wanted to be anywhere else but in the car with him. Home or miles and miles away. Anywhere but here.

“Ara,” his voice was soft, closer, “I’m sorry, kitten, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

She flinched once more when she felt his hand run down the crown of her head to her nape, smoothing down her hair.

“I just meant that you’re mine.” his tone was low, assuring. “You were always mine. The rankings just helped me find you.”

His fingers tightened around her nape slightly, “I take care of what’s mine.”

Her exhale came out staggered as she tried not to cry. Her trembling body straightened slightly as she opened her eyes to face him. She knew her eyes were watery.

His eyes were cool, a calm ocean-blue as he assessed her.

“I know.” she murmured, through wobbly lips. Carefully slipping her mask on in silence.

She thought she saw something flicker in his eyes, “Yeah?”

She nodded, her eyes fluttering shut as he drew her closer to him—letting him kiss her. The kiss wasn’t kind. She knew he was tasting her-tasting the ice cream on her lips-her mouth-as he kissed her. His hand on her nape held her firmly as he tilted his head to kiss her more.

The kiss felt like a claim; a claim that seeped further into her skin the longer he held her lips captive. She had a sickening feeling that she was signing her life away.

She knew what was going to happen when they got home. And it was confirmed when he stopped by the convenience store on the way back.

She didn’t need to look in the bag to know he’d gotten condoms. He got her a lollipop, one for himself as well—as if they needed more sweets after all the ice cream they ate.

The second they made it through the window, his eyes were on her—the hunger in them palpable.

She swallowed, stepping backwards slowly, “You're staying the night?” she asked, despite already knowing the answer. 

It took him two strides to stand in front of her, he grasped her chin, “Of course, baby.”

His crystalline eyes scanned her face before he bent over to give her a kiss. Just as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss, she drew her face back.

“I’m gonna use the bathroom.” she didn’t know why she was whispering but it couldn’t be helped.

He stared at her for a moment before releasing her chin. “ ‘Kay, kitten.”

She quickly entered the bathroom attached to her room and locked the door. The second she was alone, she teared up. She wished she could stay in the bathroom forever. What would he do if she did? Would he break in the bathroom door? Would the sound of that awaken her Father?

She shivered, hugging herself tight as she hunched over the sink. She felt like she was going to throw up.

Her hands went to the countertop’s edge, her fingers tightening around its sides as she forced herself to breathe. She couldn’t afford to break down just yet. Gojo was waiting in the room for her and who knows what he would do if she took too long.

She closed her eyes, wanting to scream. She knew what she didn’t want to do but she knew what she had to do.

“It’s just an act,” she whispered to herself, her voice cracking, “Just an act.”

Her body gradually went from trembling to stiller than stone as she convinced herself-convinced herself that she could do this. Despite every nerve ending in her body telling her to run as far away as possible.

She didn’t dare look in the mirror before her; she knew one look into her own eyes would make her lose all resolve. Instead, she straightened and stepped out of the bathroom.

She glanced around her dark room. The moonlight streaming through her open curtains being the only source of light within the darkness. Her eyes landed on Gojo.

He was laying down on her bed, shirtless, lollipop in his mouth. Bright blue eyes already on hers.

A light smile graced his features as he pulled out the empty lollipop stick from his mouth and tossed it somewhere on the floor. He sat up, his cool eyes looking her up and down before patting the space on the bed in front of him.

She hesitated before walking stiffly towards him. Her resolve slowly slipping away with each step. Every signal in her body told her to walk the opposite direction.

When she was two steps away from the spot of the bed he’d gestured towards, he reached out to her. His hands slipped around her waist—pulling her in between his legs on the edge of the bed.

“Are you trying to tease me by walking slow?” he nearly whined.

He ran his hands along her sides before tugging his sweater off of her. His eyes never left hers as he tugged off her shirt next. She did her best to refrain from trembling.

His eyes widened in appreciation at her lacey white padded bra.

He bit his lower lip before bending over to pull down her pants. She jolted when his hands went to the back of her knees and calves, maneuvering her legs to step out of her pants.

He leaned back then, his eyes looking up and down her body before letting out a low groan. His hands on her hips squeezing needily.

“Fuck, so pretty.”

His index fingers hooked into her panties on either side of her hips—bunching up her panties before tugging upwards. She gasped, nearly falling forward as her panties rubbed against her clit.

Her hands went to his thighs to keep from falling and he smirked.

“These are mine.” he murmured into her ear before bending over to pull her panties down. She shivered when she felt his temple graze her hip as he maneuvered her legs again to get her to step out of her panties. He lightly bit her hip before sitting up straight.

He slipped her panties into his sweatpant pockets, a shameless grin on his face. She flushed.

His hands slipped around her ass, drawing her closer between his legs until she felt the tip of his cock against her navel through his sweats. She gasped when his large hands squeezed her ass cheeks while nipping at her neck.

His lips and teeth were insistent along her neck and shoulder—she knew there would be marks. The hickeys from their first time still hadn’t completely healed.

Suddenly his hands were at her tits, squeezing heartily while he marked the skin between her collarbones. She winced.

He withdrew slightly, squeezing her tits once more, “Fuck, baby, this bra is so cute. Makes you look so pretty. Gonna buy you one in every color.”

He squeezed her tits hard and she trembled slightly.

“G-Satoru-please.” she whispered.

“Please what, kitten.” he murmured before reaching around her to easily unclip her bra.

“Y-you hold me so tight.”

She felt his cock twitch against her belly. He cupped her bare tits, his thumbs running over her areolas before squeezing her tits in the entirety of his palms.

He groaned, “Cause these tits are mine, baby.”

Suddenly his arm slipped around her ass and she was flipped onto the bed, her back to the sheets. He lay atop her, his mouth on her tits.

His tongue lapped up her areola, the tip of his tongue flicking at its center to make her nipples harden. Once her nipple hardened against his tongue, she felt his hard cock twitch against her lower belly. His hips bucking into her as he fondled her unattended tit in his palm.

He sucked her nipples, hard—repeatedly swirling his tongue around it at first before sucking her tits like he could actually get some breast milk. He pulled away slightly, staring at her perky, puffy nipples with a satisfied gleam in his eyes before lowering his head to leave a dark hickeys on the side of her breasts. His clothed cock grinding against her spread legs all the while.

She whimpered as he began to give the same attention to her other tit--now palming the one that was covered in love bites.

His tongue flicked her nipple in his mouth before groaning. He withdrew slightly to look up at her and mutter-a string of saliva attached to his lip, “Could suck these tits forever.”

She couldn’t deny the feeling him playing with her tits elicited. It made something in her grow hot-hot enough to make her squirm. But due to being completely surrounded by Gojo’s huge body she couldn’t move as much as she would’ve liked.

She grit her teeth, unable to hold back a low moan as he moved the flat of his tongue over her hard nipple-flicking at it with the tip of his tongue. Her back arched, putting more of her tit in his mouth before she slipped her fingers through his white hair and pulled him back. She couldn’t take it.

His blue eyes were immediately on her, searching her face closely. She trembled slightly before deciding to distract him by pulling his face up to kiss her. He eagerly complied.

His lips crashed into hers, tongue viciously sweeping her mouth. He was hungry.

The pace of his grinding picked up a thousandfold, almost as if he were trying to fuck her through his sweats. His cock was so stiff, she couldn’t help but whimper in his mouth as he kissed her.

He drew his head back slightly to bite at her bottom lip. She felt his large hand slide down her shoulder, past her collarbones, over her tits, her stomach before coming to a stop at her entrance. His fingertips touched her pussy lips.

He broke the kiss to watch her expression as he slipped his fingers into her—only to end up groaning himself.

His head dropped as he began to pump his middle and ring finger in and out of her slowly, “So fuckin’ wet.”

She whimpered as his fingers continued to pump into her—the feeling making her twist underneath him.

As she began to writhe, his face somehow came before hers, “Does it feel good, baby.”

Her eyes widened, her face immediately heating up. She would die before admitting anything he did felt good—even if it unfortunately did. It felt so much better to be touched by someone else than herself.

Why’d it have to be him making me feel like this?

Suddenly the pace of his fingers picked up drastically and she cried out. Her insides instinctively tightening around his fingers.

"S-satoru! Unghh-ah!-oh my-nnnghh!" she mewled.

“There you go,” he muttered as she began to moan and whine at each rough fingerfuck. He dipped his fingers knuckle deep within her, his pace insistent.

He perused her writhing figure beneath him, his firm form keeping her in place. Her tits swung upwards with each forceful shove of his fingers. He flushed, his cerulean blue eyes locked in on her face as a subtle smirk bloomed along his lips.

“I wish you could see yourself right now.” his voice husky, “You look so fuckin’ good.”

Her walls clamped around his fingers and his smirk widened. He dropped a light kiss on her lips, “Want you to cum, kitten.”

His fingers managed to move faster within her. She yelped, her back arching as she pushed at his shoulders. He didn’t budge.

“Please-no-nnghh–ah!-uh-”

“Wanna see the pretty face you make when you cum all over my fingers.” he spoke into her temple.

“N-no!” she gasped out when she felt it—horror consuming her when her body seemed to respond to his words, his pace. Her insides grew hot, hot in that way that felt torturously good.

His hand clamped her over lips when she screamed in betrayal. Her body writhed uncontrollably as waves after waves of pleasure rolled over her, making her shake around his ruthless fingers.

“Fuck, so hot.” he gritted out-his eyes never leaving her face. He kept up his pace until her shakiness subsided.

“Such a good girl.. gave me what I want so fast,” His smirk reappeared, “You like my fingers that much?”

She frowned-her voice hoarse as she responded instinctively, “N-no.”

Suddenly his thumb pressed against her puffy clit, making her jump. He began to rub her clit at a perfect pressure.

“Ah!-Goj-nnghh-no! Fuck-” she moaned, unable to stop herself.

“Liar.” he grinned.

She grit her teeth, hating the control he had on her body with every part of her being. She attempted to squeeze her thighs together-to end his ministrations but it was useless. His firm waist planted between her legs left her with no control. She couldn’t ignore his hard length poking at her inner thigh, it was as if it were demanding her attention.

Suddenly he leaned back-lifting his fingers to his lips to taste her juices. The sight was filthy and intoxicating.

“Mm-Fuck, taste so good, kitten.” he muttered, before lowering himself. He wrapped his hands around her thighs and immediately placed his mouth over her clit.

She jerked forward, gasping-but his hold on her thighs kept her legs wide open.

“Gojo!” she cried out through gritted teeth. He sucked along her clit and entrance with such diligence—as if he were starving.

“Nngh—P-please-haah-” she wanted to beg him to stop but it seemed to have the opposite effect. His hands tightened around her thighs as he dug his face deeper between her legs.

The feeling was so unexpected she couldn’t help but whine in desperation. Moans slipped out of her as his tongue expertly licked her cunt. It was overwhelming.

He lapped up her clit, making her jolt. The flat of his tongue rubbed against her tense nub-making her all too sensitive. She couldn’t take it.

“S-Satoru, stop! St-unghhh-ah-nngh! Please-please.”

He sucked her clit deliriously-as if he couldn’t get enough. His tongue powering past her rowdy hips and her futile attempts to shove his head away. His arms around her thighs forced her hips down and apart. His tongue swirled endlessly around her puffy clit-the tip of his tongue pressing and sucking right where she needed it most.

Her mewls went silent as she spasmed, cumming harder than ever. She felt like she was floating. Her body bucked as she bit her lower lip-hard-to hide the obnoxious moans on the cusp of her lips. Her body felt like it had been caught on fire-in the best way possible.

When he removed his lips from her cunt, she stared up at the ceiling-refusing to let herself wallow in the self-hatred threatening to consume her. Why am I enjoying this?

She winced when she felt his fingers slip into her cunt again. She was so wet and gummy inside that the action made a subtle lewd sound. He groaned, pumping his fingers into her lazily, “Fuck-so wet-so ready for me.”

He slipped his fingers out before climbing atop her to press a passionate kiss to her lips. He kissed her so hard she was pressed deeper into the bed. His tongue tangling with hers, kissing her roughly as if trying to consume her.

He broke the kiss, “You taste yourself, hm? Did you taste how sweet your pretty cunt is?”

He spread her legs apart, “Gonna use this sweet lil cunt as many times I want.”

She shivered as she watched him look her up and down with such obvious hunger. Her legs instinctively drew closer but he shoved them apart.

Her eyes widened in horror to see that he was already naked. Condom already on his cock.

Before she could even react, his hand slid around her neck. His grip tight around her throat as he thrust his full length into her.

She couldn't even scream, her back naturally arching as her cunt was forced to adjust to him. It didn't matter how wet she was, his cock always pried her apart. Her breath was stuck in her throat as she squeezed her eyes shut, teeth grit together in pain. The action had been so rough, she couldn’t handle it.

Suddenly his hand on her throat slid to her jaw, forcing her to face him above her.

“Look at me, kitten. Look at what I do to you.”

She wanted to sob-a weak sound leaving her lips as his hand around her jaw tightened.

“Ara..” he murmured into her temple so breathlessly-so needily-as if she were his most desired prayer. As if he'd die without her.

She whimpered, her cunt inadvertently squeezing around him. His breath caught and she knew she was doomed.

His fingers clasped around her throat while his other hand gripped the softest part of her hip, before fucking her like a ragdoll.

She didn’t know how the bed didn’t fall apart, she felt like her insides were. She was so loud-her throat was sore from how loud she was. His hand over her mouth was the only thing saving her dignity.

She felt like she could feel every veiny ridge of his cock, burning into her insides with each rough fuck. He made sure her cunt took all of him in-no matter how tight the fit was. It felt impossible to get used to.

“Ara.. oh, Ara..” he breathed huskily into her neck, “F-fuck,” his hand tightened over her mouth as he continued to fuck the daylight out of her.

The sounds of their lewd sex filled the air. She couldn’t breathe. Tears slipped down the sides of her face. Her throat scratchy.

“Feel so good, baby, fuck,” he babbled, “You get me so hard-haah-Wanna hear all those cute lil sounds you’re makin’—fuck-so perfect, perfect fuckin’ pussy.”

His cock pistoned into her relentlessly. She wasn’t sure she had a single coherent thought left in her brain.

And suddenly, his breath hitched and she swore his cock grew stiffer. His hips stuttered before slamming into her completely, forcing her hips to rise as he buried his cock deep.

Panic swarmed into her at the thought of him having no condom but she remembered, she’d seen it on his cock before he entered her. She shivered when she felt something warmer than her insides pour into her, though it felt much more subdued compared to when he’d dumped loads of his cum in her before.

She shivered when his cock continued to twitch. His hands gripped her hips tight as he continued to push her body up to lodge his cock deeper, as if wanting her to feel every single part of him.

She let out a low, staggered cry at the sensation of feeling so full. Her back arched, her tits pressing into his chest as his cock rocked into her.

He groaned desperately, his face pressing into the side of hers. She was sure his grip on her hips was bound to leave marks.

Finally, his cock stopped twitching and she heard him sigh.

He cupped one of her tits, caressing her, “You make me feel so good, kitten.”

She shivered when she felt him lightly kiss her jaw, then nip at her throat. She knew there were bound to be marks left later.

She shifted slightly underneath him, he was still inside of her. He was still hard.

Her voice came out quiet and scratchy-almost fearful, “I-I’m tired, Satoru.”

His lips over her collarbone paused their ministrations. She felt her pulse skyrocket at his silence.

Suddenly his face appeared before hers, the tips of his platinum hair touching her forehead as his blue eyes scanned her face.

“Don’t be selfish now, Ara,” his voice was gravelly yet soft as he lowered himself to kiss her. The kiss was gentle, probing-she felt his cock twitch.

“We’re just getting started.”

previous chapter | next chapter

[midnight--sadness]

(yr anon!)

the stuff u said about inho elevating gihun to a god was sooo good ugh u best believe gihun’s making him a devoted follower

THE ARES APHRODITE COMPARISON TOO UGGAG UR BRAIN!! and yet again the parallel to sangwoo!!! now you got me hoping we get some hands reaching for each other/hand holding in season 3 im rooting for their happy ending im sure this will age well

OH i saw ur ethel cain rec!! ur so right it fits them so well!! esp the little bit in ur screenshot? god these two are gonna kill me, the way i want them to hold each other like the other would break if they squeezed too hard and the way i also want them eat each other alive

mm todays music recs!

for inhun

• ‘you send me’ sam cooke

• ‘unforgettable’ nat king cole

• ‘ill be seeing you’ billie holiday

i think inho is fond of romantic oldies like this + he wants that fly me to the moon moment sooo bad

for inho

• ‘tipsy’ chloe x halle

(hes so normal)

(rip the homie jungbae)

for sangwoo

• ‘mood’ by sir ft zacari

do anything for the cash + the gunshots + give me space let me breathe (him pushing gihun away during their games) need an edit of him to this so bad

for sangihun

• ‘chove chuva’ jorge ben jor

• ‘funny honey’ (chicago)

ok walk with me i hope u see the vision, ignoring the context, this is sooo post season 1 confession sangihun ghost au to me

after sangwoo’s death, all the anger between them dissipates (the way it’d never would if sangwoo was alive) and results in sangwoo being sooo nice to gihun (who unfortunately cannot hear him and is hoping sangwoo is somewhere nicer than here) like he’s soo tender and sweet.

constantly attempts to leave little kisses on gihuns hands, face, etc (took him a while to get to this point but hes so desperate to touch and comfort gihun, his prides out the window, he knows hes pathetic) hes constantly chatting to gihun (who again CANNOT hear him and is spending everyday quietly stewing and plotting) hes out here asking gihun what he wants to eat and tsking about the house being dirty etc

partly because being a ghost prob makes someone sentimental and eager to talk to people they’d be distant with in life,

partially because i think, at the beginning, maybe theres a moment where gihuns grieving and in denial and so he pretends sangwoo is with him like they survived together and sangwoos concerned, especially when its MONTHS of this and gihuns not really living or taking care of himself but part of him so happy to have his hyung’s attention… theyre both pretending the games didnt absolutely shred them apart

one day, gihun has a moment where he drags finally himself out of this denial stage, says his goodbye to sangwoo and gets ready to leave to america etc

sangwoos relieved mostly, heartbroken partially but overall understanding of course, and happy for his hyung. hes thinking about leaving too cuz as long as gihuns happy the worlds ok, this new chapter of life will be kinder to him than the last one

and then. gihun doesnt get on the plane, he spirals trying to find a way to stop the games etc and of course sangwoo is pleading to nobody about how this is very stupid and how gihuns gonna get himself killed, who does he think he is going up against a giant criminal death game organization like NO ONE WOULD DO THAT?

no one would do that… and suddenly his chest is full of honey and pride and hes fawning over gihun so bad, like dont get him wrong hes still worried and afraid but also hes feeling proud and loved cuz for the first time in months gihuns speaking to him, about him, gihuns offering him justice and promises to deliver no matter what. (i will destroy what took you from me, at the cost of my sanity and wellness i will avenge you)

and sangwoo… it makes him sick thinking about it but also so so proud of his strong, brave hyung, hes allowing himself to be impressed with gihuns audacity (for once) (if he was alive this would be a different story, hes not entertaining this shit, but as a ghost he’s not thinking clearly and cant help preening about how special and nice his hyung is, its like they’re kids again and hes just happy to be apart of the team, side by side with someone dear to him)

maybe sangwoo lets himself be very indulgent and unembarrassed cuz he’s mentally broken up about EVERYTHING (and also hes really the only one around who cares if hes being embarrassing hes dead anyway)

to me the lyrics are a perfect mix of sweet gooeyness and teasing on sangwoo’s part, hes watching gihun prep n fuss, and gihuns sooo not qualified for this but hes TRYING, logically he knows this is gonna be a mess but also hes getting wrapped up in gihun’s delusions too

torn between imagining Amos’s part as either gihun’s reaction to the youngil/inho reveal (with the roxie parts being replaced by inho, sangwoo’s ghost is very offended this) orrrr inho crashing out cuz gihun’s got sangwoo in his head still idkkk im thinkinnn it doesnt fit too perfectly either way im not stressin im here for sangwoo serenading his hubby

(in a perfect world sangwoo is gooey about gihun the way gihun is gooey about him, crazy it takes him dying for it)

for the trio ™️

• ‘el único’ by ca7riel & paco amoroso (specifically the tiny desk version cuz the way they sing “WE’VE BEEN FUCKING THE SAME GIRLLL” scratches an itch in my brain) makes me picture a no games au sangwoo and inho are coworkers and realize they both have a friends with benefits situation w/ gihun (they werent even aware the other knew gihun!)

(then they crash out together cuz they figure that means hes got a whole roster of men hes hiding from them and now they’re teaming up to cockblock everyone else whos a little too close for comfort, vague on if theyre right or not, this has been said before im still waiting for someone to write it 🫶 im greedy tho i also want them to not only defeat gihuns 7 evil sidehoes but also have to win the affection of the horde of kids who claim him as their father figure, and the gaggle of women who claim theyre his best friends ever, these guys gotta WORK for it im talking 100,00 words of them being humiliated at several work events and parties, dragged through different shopping centers, parks etc, squeezed financially, mugged, i mean this shit goes on and on before theyre deemed Good ‘Nough by jungbae after gihun mentions how happy they make him and suddenly everyone is cool about too lol

by the time its all over theyre not even trying to fight each other anymore, they just work out a timeshare schedule and trade the hubby back and forth.)

thats it for now! bonus rec cuz i know u like daeho/gihun i think it’d make u laugh to picture them while listening to ‘damn thats my mama!’ by joshua crawford ^_^

have a nice one, thanks again for lettin me yap i appreciate it!

ahh i'm glad you liked my recs and my insane rambles abt these idiot men 😩🥹🙏

inho definitely loves the oldies!! in fact, vera lynn's "we'll meet again" was playing in his head when he had that convo with gihun in the limo!

OH MY GOD THAT SANGIHUN GHOST SANGWOO AU IS SOO GOOOD!! 😭😩

sangwoo only being his true self when he is dead because he no one has any expectations of him, he can be who he wants to be - a patethic, yearning fool for his hyung 💖

AND OH MY GOD THE INHUN/SANGIHUN AU WHERE THEY SHARE GIHUN 💖💖💖💖💖 10/10, i need them to grovel on the floor and prove that they love gihun and are worthy of being with him 😭😭😭 need saebyeok to pickpocket them 950327 times and steal their money

thank u for the daehun gift 😩🙏 they are my sweet rarepair

you are very welcome!! everyone can yap as much as they want here!!! 🫶😌

[cosmiccannibalcamille]

YOUR 2024 Mars in Leo Horoscope

What: Mars in Leo

When: Nov. 3, 2024 - Jan. 6, 2025; April 18 - June 16, 2025

Who’s Impacted: EVERYONE, but esp. Fixed Signs & Fire Signs

Takeaway: a feisty, fabulous, me-first strut for the planet of action; it’s time for your passion, courage, and confidence to roar loudly and with pride.  

     My initial plan for this horoscope was to post it as a sort of rah-rah victory cry after the election, because Mars in Leo feels oh-so victorious to me—it’s a feisty, fiery transit full of pride, passion, and so much confidence. In truth, there are large numbers of people who do in fact feel victorious and proud today (some might also be feeling confident, if not smug). I am not one of those people. I wanted, hoped and voted for a different outcome for this election. I wanted the victory, pride and passion to be for / about the first woman president, the trust in women, the promise of tomorrow, and a new way forward. That didn’t happen. I went to bed shook and shell shocked, and sooo not confident.      

     It snowed roughly six inches last night, so I woke to a gray, cloudless sky. No sunshine, no warmth, and no light other than the glaring white of the snow. Doom scrolling sucked me in early this morning; countless minutes I spent on my phone and computer, reading about election results and various news stories about the fate and future of America. I hopped from one platform to the next, hoping to find a nugget of wisdom, truth or reassurance, hoping to read a post—read another person’s words telling me it was all going to be OK. I couldn’t find what I was looking for, which made me feel heavier, made the day and world outside seem even darker. 

     To escape the doomscroll, I went outside. I shoveled the sidewalks and our driveway, grunting in frustration as I scooped heap after heap of heavy white fluff. Hands cold, nose running, and body aching slightly, I kept on shoveling. Why? I needed to clear a path. That was my aim, that was my goal: to clear away the snow, to keep going until the path was clear.

     I found relief in this, to be fully in my body and fully away from the news feeds, away from the chatter, away from my own spiraling thoughts of an uncertain future. In this state—cold with spirits dashed, focusing body and mind on the removal of the snow, I felt momentarily freed and momentarily aware. This is what Mars in Leo is really about, I thought, it’s a transit for doing something with the anger, grief, frustration and fear, releasing the heat in a constructive way… 

     Because the truth is—even if your chosen candidate won last night—we won’t always feel victorious; we won’t always feel like the winner. Any time we have a goal that feels impossible or insurmountable we run the risk of losing; it is humbling and infuriating to lose. But each time you lose, you gain another opportunity to win. As someone who has their natal Mars in Leo, I understand this transit’s deeper message, its inner yearning and tougher lessons. One of those lessons is dealing with loss. Losing can feel like a personal attack, an insult to our ego and pride; humility is not something Leo loves to suffer through. But stewing in feelings of insult and fury don’t do us any good.  

     That said, Mars in Leo can help us channel our fuming funerial feelings—the anger / grief / frustration, the loss—into a new goal, a new purpose, a new way forward. To win, we have to first feel the bite of loss; we have to feel those stings to our pride and our purpose, we have to be humbled, and we have to honor our anger by listening to what, exactly, we are angry about. And then we have to do something about all of that. Humbled, but no less determined, we have to use our feelings of pain and frustration, our sadness, disappointment, and anger as fuel towards the next achievement. Not from a place of revenge, but from a place of purpose. Purpose to do better, purpose to clear a path and to do some good.

     Mars in Leo wants to act, wants to propel a goal or movement forward. But it also encourages us to have faith—faith in ourselves and faith in tomorrow, to roar with confidence and to give confidence to those who need it. Leo is ruled by the Sun, and the Sun is a shining beacon of promise. We wake up everyday knowing the sun will shine. Again. Again. We wake up knowing we will feel the warmth of the Sun again. So that’s what I hope you take away from Mars in Leo. Mars in Leo is resolute. It is strategic, focused, and forceful. It teaches us the strength of our power, our courage, and our resolve; it also underscores the importance of leading proudly, boldly and with so much light. As I was writing this, Vice President Kamala Harris gave her concession speech, and she talked about this light, saying: “The light of America’s promise will always burn bright, as long as we never give up and as long as we keep fighting.” So, that is what we all must do: never give up and keep fighting. Proudly, boldly, and with a clear purpose for good.

Get the FULL Mars in Leo forecast on my astrology newsletter:

[212-apricity]

chess and muffins

heyy everybodyyyy

ok so firstly i promise chapter 12 of mastermind is coming pls bear w me; secondly ive been watching the olympics and you guys. literally why does everyone look like models like they're GORGEOUS esp steven nedoroscik and armand duplantis like yummmm

also can we talk about the muffins pls bc they’ve had a chokehold on me for way too long now like pls i need to recipe rn

anyways a friend of mine, @curaheehee , asked for this one and girl i really hope this lived up to what you wanted bc guys i tried my best and i lowkey hate it but i hope it was okay for the ask😭🙏❤️

The chatter of the audience around the stadium hums behind me, accompanied by multiple news reporters and retired athletes, everyone giving their opinions on the past events today.

Simone, Suni and I are standing around the sidelines, chatting away trying not to “psyc ourselves out” as we wait for the officials to finish prepping the equipment before we can compete.

“I really wanna try one of those muffins Henrik keeps posting about, they look so delectable” I say, imagining the muffins I’ve seen everywhere but still havent had the chance to try.

“No you really need to, they’re soo good” Simone adds as Suni nods along,

“How long do you guys think they’re going to take? Like its already been almost an hour, I’m getting so bored” Suni says impatiently as we look around and still see the officials fiddling around with the equipment.

“Who knows, the french overcomplicate everything” I say, making the girls laugh as we look around for anything else interesting to keep ourselves entertained during the wait.

Simone spots a rubiks cube under a chair and picks it up saying excitedly, “Hey Y/n didn’t you say you could solve one of these things?”I smile, taking the cube from her excitedly, “I don’t know honestly I think the last one I solved was like two years ago.”

“Try it, I’ll time you” Suni says getting her phone out as Simone reshuffles the cube.

“Three, two, one, Go!”

I shuffle the cube around as quick as I can and finish in 7 seconds, yelling out along with the girls as everyone around us looks at us strangely as we jump up and down out of excitement.

“Okay, on the plane back home you have to teach me how to do that” Simone says.

“Me too!” Suni adds.

I open my mouth to respond but before I can, I feel someone tapping me gently on my shoulder and I turn around to see who it is.

“Hi,”

Steven Nedoroscik.

Of course.

I had seen him earlier this week in the mens pommel horse event and I couldn’t stop giggling over him during and after the event when Simone and Suni kept showing me edits of him.

I try to keep my cool as he speaks, “I think I dropped my rubiks cube somewhere here earlier, have you seen it?”

“Oh! Yes of course,” I’m broken out my trance as he finishes asking his question and I turn around to take the cube back from Suni as she hands it to me with a smirk as Simone tries to repress her giggles, seeing me so flustered.

“Thanks,” He says with a smile looking down at the solved cube, “Who solved this?”

“Oh I did, sorry I didn’t know it was yours.” I say, slightly embarrassed.

“Don’t worry about it, how long did it take you?” he says, making me feel a lot better.

“Seven seconds” I say proudly as he raises his eyebrows in surprise,

“No way! The fastest I’ve solved one in is eight seconds” he remarks, making me laugh.

“Hey how long do they take to set these things up?” I ask putting a hand on my hip and the other pointing to the stage.

“Don’t even get me started, I had a whole nap in my event”

I laugh along with him, “I might just have to start doing that too, but I’m not competing for another week after today so I’ll probaby just spend the rest of the week hunting down the chocolate muffins and playing chess.”

With this Stevens eyes lit up, “You play chess too?” he said exictedly

“A little bit, not like competitively but my dad taught me when I was younger” I say, smiling at his interest.

He goes to reply but is cut off with a thick french accent over the speakers announcing,

“Everyone who is not a gymnast or a coach, please exit the area; the event will begin shortly.”

Before he leaves, Steve asks, “Hey if you’re not doing anything tomorrow morning, would you want to meet up at the dining hall and play a round?”

I’m stunned at first but quickly recover once I hear another announcement over the speakers, louder this time.

“Yes. I’d love that” I say, smiling broadly as he lets out a held breath and nods before leaving, almost tripping over a chair behind him making me laugh.

timeskip

I scan the trays of pastries in the breakfast section in search of the chocolate muffins before giving up when I couldn’t find any and taking a pain au chocolat and water instead and making my way to where Steve was carefully placing chess pieces on the board.

“Good morning,” I say, taking a seat in front of him causing him to look up and smile,

“Good morning,” he says, pushing his glasses up slightly, “I saved you a chocolate muffin they were about to run out”

He hands me a chocolate muffin, still warm, “Oh my gosh stop, I was so heartbroken like two minutes ago I thought Henrick took them all, thank you so much” I laugh, blushing slightly.

“Of course! Shall we start?” he laughs, blushing and motioning to the board.

“No hold on,” I say after a bite of the muffin, “What does the winner get?”

“Hmm…” he thinks, “How about if you win, I get you muffins every morning for a week,”

“Mhm okay I like where this is going”

“And if I win, you go on a real date with me” he looks up nervously through his glasses catching me off guard with wide eyes.

It takes me a minute but I respond, “Okay”

I’ve never tried harder to lose.

again like i lowkey hated it uughh but guys please feel free to send in any requests about anyone bc im rotting away until september 6th and ive got literally nothing to do❤️❤️

[horizon-verizon]

Alicent literally betrayed everyone because she’s the most tone deaf character to exist, usurped Rhaenyra because she convinced herself Viserys wanted their son to succeed him, then later regretted it when Rhaneyra got the upper hand and betrayed her own family after creating this mess.

Yeah, pretty much. In the leak (episode that will be out today),

!!!!!SPOILERS!!!!!

Alicent basically refuses to acknowledge that she was instrumental to bringing danger to not just Rhaenyra (& hers) but herself and the daughter/granddaughter she wants to leave with. When she says that Rhaenyra would have been usurped anyway and that's he was "only" trying to do what she thought Viserys wanted her to do....which even if she regrets she hasn't actually internalized how what has basically crippled her or put everyone in danger--her need to justify everything by her faithfulness to this patriarchal order--put her in the present condition. So yeah, any and all apologies or suffering looks we've seen was PROVEN to be the biggest waste of screentime for al the "but look, she's turning a new leaf/realizes what she's done wrong/character development"...when we could have been getting actually valuable scenes of character development, esp on the black's sides when the writers have promised that they'd get into the blacks' children...

[annasinterests]

don't look at me like that unless you mean it

smiling, having fun ♫ feeling like a number one

|| series masterlist || main masterlist ||

a/n: god dayum this took me so long to put out and i sincerely apologize friends!!! my family's been in town and i've been planning trips with my bf for the next couple of weeks so i've just been sooo busy. to make up for it, enjoy the longest chapter i've written yet :)) i legit had so much fun writing it but i also fussed w/ it a ton because i wanted to get it just how i envisioned it. nuff' ramblin' from me, love y'all, enjoy !

word count: 9.8k (i had over 10k written b4 editing but still omfg!)

pairings: joel miller x f!reader

warnings & tags: minors dni, cursing, joel/reader/tommy being cute, tommy being an instigator lowkey, mutual pining, joel and reader going on a lil 'date', sexual themes, mentions of alcohol/being drunk, honestly kinda self-indulgent esp on the music parts, angst RAAAAAAAAH — please tell me if i missed anything!

Friday. Thank God.

As the morning light painted the sky in soft hues, you opted to savor your coffee on the front porch with your feet kicked up on the deck railing, basking in the quiet before the day's festivities consumed the town.

The early hour granted you respite from the scorching sun, sparing you the discomfort of the sweltering heat that would undoubtedly arrive later. Dressed in a small tank top and shorts, you relished the cool breeze that gently brushed against your skin. Tilting your head back, you closed your eyes, allowing the sounds of chirping birds to serenade you and the warm rays envelop you in a soothing embrace.

You thought back to last night with Ellie, how much fun you had with her even though you passed out before the movie was even over. It was the perfect start to your two days of rest, and it prompted you to commit a rare act of self-care by pushing off your new workload until the new week started.

You always did something on your days off for Jackson, whether it was doing a few favors for neighbors or finding yourself in Maria’s office all day. Nothing ever to give yourself the time you deserved.

And maybe it was selfish– irresponsible, even– but you needed a real break, and when would you get that if not today? Tonight promised laughter, music, and camaraderie. All your problems and issues would still be there tomorrow anyway.

"Put some clothes on, would you?" You jerked your head forward to meet Tommy walking up with a grin on his face. You rolled your eyes.

"I'll put on more clothes when you shave off that disaster you call a mustache."

He put his hand over his chest that shook with laughter and took the vacant seat next to you. When you offered him coffee, he politely declined, chuckling when you insisted that you could add whiskey to it for him. "I actually came to ask a favor."

He watched as you peered down at the imaginary watch on your wrist before giving him a skeptical look. “Tommy, if you’re asking me to work, the answer is-”

“No! God, no.” You let out a thank fuck under your breath. “It’s for tonight.”

You raised your eyebrows as you drew a sip from your coffee. For tonight? He took your silence as a cue to continue.

"Joel tells me that you've got quite the music collection. I was wonderin' if I could borrow a couple of your tapes or CDs or whatever y'got?"

You thought about it for half a second, but pretended to be in deep contemplation. He grew antsy, attempting to seriously reason with you, and when you couldn't hold it together any longer, you hid your grin behind your mug as you watched him realize that you were fucking with him. You got up from your seat and signaled for him to follow you inside as you grabbed cassettes for his cause.

Joel had been in the kitchen pouring himself a cup from the pot you had already brewed. You peered around the corner to set your mug on the counter, flashing him a bright smile before quickly scurrying off, catching a glimpse of how his face dropped from a smile to confusion upon hearing more footsteps in the house. You giggled once you heard his groan, followed by 'Jesus, don't you know what time it is?'

You picked through your pile, grabbing tapes that you were certain would be winners. Once content with your selection, you brought them back to Tommy in the kitchen. His eyes and smile widened at the handful, carefully taking them into his possession. Joel, still clearly waking up, watched the interaction with a dull curiosity over the rim of his mug, flickering his gaze from you, to the cassettes, and lastly Tommy.

Your eyes lingered on the tapes, a small smile brought to your face at the pure nostalgia they held. You knew each track on each tape, word for word. You remembered when you heard them for the first time, what life had felt like, and when you found yourself listening to them the most. Normally, you'd feel hesitant to lend out your most prized possessions. They’d been with you ever since before outbreak day, and the one constant you had since the beginning that got you through your toughest times. But this was Tommy, and you didn’t have to think twice about whether or not you could trust him.

"Wait, I almost forgot!" You snapped out of your thinking to go and retrieve another part from your pile. You handed him a small deck of index cards binded together with twine in what was your own way of personally cataloging. "It's already in order, by cassette and song title, so you can figure out if there's something you don't wanna play.. or whatever you got planned." You lazily gestured.

The brothers exchanged a look before turning their attention to the cards. Joel set his coffee down and took the thin stack from Tommy, reading over it together as they glanced back and forth between the cardstock and the tapes. The corner of his mouth curled up as he skimmed over the songs, making it impossible for you not to smile either. You sheepishly looked down while rolling your feet from heel to toe with your hands behind your back, feeling like a kid showing their parents a piece of art they made at school.

"Had the world not gone to shit, you could’ve been a mean music curator.” Joel waved the cards between his thumb and forefinger, a suppressed laugh leaving your lips.

“Yeah.. damn, these bring back some good memories. Buncha’ old ones on here, some even way before our time.” Tommy motioned between himself and Joel.

The small smile on Joel’s face grew bigger, his face becoming more lively at a realization. “Y’know, ‘lotta these were popular bar songs. You were just shy of eighteen back then, weren’t you?”

Tommy quickly caught on to Joel’s train of thought, matching his grin. You stared at him with a subtle smirk, knowing that he knew he was right, and only asked to make it a point that he knew that. And in a way, you found it kind of.. hot? He was keenly aware of your timeline and able to make the connections that no one else really could. He didn’t have to do the mental math like Tommy probably was after he said it. You felt a surge of heat in your cheeks and on the tip of your ears as their gaze on you persisted, waiting for you to answer.

“.. I may or may not have snuck into them..”

Their voices overlapped with elation, to which you stuck up a middle finger for each Miller.

“Sounds like you were living on the edge,” Tommy peered down at Joel’s hand, “..of seventeen.”

Before you could open your mouth to scold Tommy for popping the corniest joke in all of the apocalypse, he and Joel fell into their own fit of laughter, bumping shoulders and elbowing one another. So proud and smug of their joint-effort to expose your rebellious years. But you found yourself grinning, not at the joke, but at them.

You shook your head, letting out a mix of a laugh and sigh, “Alright, you boys had your fun. Now Joel, why don’t you do your big brother duties and show Tommy the way out?”

He raised a brow at you, bringing his mug to his lips, “Must I remind you that it was you that brought him in here, not me?”

Tommy raised his hands up in defense as you glared at Joel, “Alright- I’ll see myself out.” He winked at you as he walked past, “Give you a break before ya’ gotta deal with me tonight.”

You and Joel walked him to the door, exchanging goodbyes until later this evening. Just before stepping out, Tommy suddenly turned over his shoulder to you. "Oh! Before I forget– Are you seein’ anybody?”

You froze at his question, your smile slacked and your eyes widened. The residual feeling of laughter in your chest subsided quickly as if it never existed in the first place. He held up his left hand, “Not for me, obviously.”

You rolled your eyes, then narrowing them at him. “Yeah, no shit. What, are you playing matchmaker for me?”

“Not for you, someone else.” A shit-eating grin appeared on his face. “So, are you?”

The short answer was no. You were too busy with leading your life in Jackson.. And being hopelessly in love with his brother.

“Uh– no. I’m not.”

Joel's gaze shifted towards you, your words evoking enough of a reaction out of him, to which Tommy caught and raised an eyebrow with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. They bounced between you and Joel as if he had caught a whiff of the unspoken agreement you two held. You felt your cheeks go hot again, knowing that your words hadn't gone unnoticed by either of them.

He bid a final farewell with an unconvincing nod that left you both standing in the foyer quietly, which was luckily cut short by Ellie coming through the back door, giving you both the perfect excuse to forget all about.. whatever that was.

She rubbed away the sleep in her eyes, murmuring a good morning to you and Joel as she made her way into the kitchen, both of you treading in after her. You inquired about the basics. How'd you sleep? Want me to make you something for breakfast? Do you want orange juice? What are your plans for the day? Joel watched as you engaged in conversation, admiration and warmth flaring in his chest as you seamlessly transitioned into your role as a caretaker.

You were receptive when she shared her plans for the day, further inquiring about smaller details of her schedule. He watched as Ellie became more animated the more she got to talk about her day ahead, especially as you encouraged her.

"What about you guys? Don't you both have off today?" Ellie faced in her chair so that she could clearly see you both.

You exchanged a glance with Joel before you both shrugged your shoulders. You hadn't realized that he had the day off as well, if you were being completely honest. As you thought about it, it occured to you that you hadn't gotten to figure that part out, since Tommy and all. When you confessed that you hadn’t planned anything for the day, Ellie’s eyes squinted in deep thought for a moment, then looked back at you both, “Why don’t you guys do something together?

You straightened up at her proposal, mildly thrown off, sharing another look with Joel before you both attempted to give a series of excuses, which just came out in a mess of jumbled, almost incoherent words.

“Oh, come on! You guys almost never do anything together.”

You folded your arms in defiance, but it came off more as a pout. “Yes, we do.”

“Sitting at home together doesn’t count.” You opened your mouth to disagree, but nothing came out. “Go out! Have a date or something.”

You nearly choked on your coffee as Joel sighed, speaking with caution, “Ellie–”

“Anyways! I’m off to Dina’s for the day.” She beamed and laughed in victory as she watched you two writhe in place. You could hear the smile in her voice as she left out the back door, “You kids have fun tonight, and make good decisions!”

God– first Tommy, now her. It couldn’t have been past nine yet.

You hand cradled your elbow, the other hand covering your eyes as your thumb and middle finger kneaded at your temples. Okay, maybe she was right. Maybe you and Joel didn’t spend proper ‘quality time’ together, but it just wasn’t something that either one of you were accustomed to. Before Jackson, the most you were able to be alone outside of your apartments were during smuggle runs, which was definitely not the type of recreational activity that she was referring to, and once you picked her up and finally settled here, your lives were centered around her and your respective jobs for the community.

Joel crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway that bordered the dining room, staring at the back door and then subsequently at you. You hadn’t noticed him looking, still hiding behind your hand to mask your embarrassment, and saw how his eyes raked over your figure, taking in how little clothes you were wearing. The black tank top was a deep cut halter that exposed your arms, chest, and just the littlest bit of midriff. Your shorts matched in color, the fabric just hovering over the higher part of your thighs with slits up the sides.

It was a good thing for him that you had your eyes covered. You weren’t able to see how his tongue poked over his bottom lip and his eyes that were drawn to your cleavage that was accentuated by your arms drawn together. Even with your fair share of scars, your skin looked so perfect and soft under the glow of sunlight through the window, so much that he could barely keep himself back from touching you, wanting to trace the contours of your arms with his fingers and hold your face in his palms again.

His heart thumped in his chest as he wondered what it would feel like to rub your legs against his under bed sheets. How it would feel to press his fingertips into the soft flesh of your hips–

“Joel?”

His head jerked up slightly as his eyes darted to yours. “What?”

Irked, you threw your hand away from your face in an exasperated manner, “Do you wanna come?

He stared dumbly at you, stuttering, “Do I- w-what?”

“To Lake Falwich! Weren’t you listening?” You threw him an incredulous look as he shook his head to himself, apparent to you that he in fact hadn’t listened to a damn word you said.

Lake Falwich was located off of Elk Creek, an area you and Joel switched off on patrolling. You’d found the place when you went off-path during your first summer patrol, deeming it as another little hidden gem of Jackson County. Over the years, you grew fond of it and made it a point to frequent it whenever beyond the walls, but you hadn’t been yet this season.

“Uh, yeah– Yes– Sure.”

You didn’t know what had gotten into him in the last few minutes, but you couldn’t deny that you enjoyed seeing him all flustered and not being able to keep eye contact with you. How the tables turned for once.

“I’ll be ready to head out in ten.” You began to head towards the stairs for your room, but stopped at his side and placed your hand on his shoulder, curling your fingers over the muscle, “Don’t keep me waiting.”

A grin adorned your face as you walked away, leaving Joel to hang onto the sensation that burned his skin where you touched him and force himself to calm down from the excitement growing in his pants. He hadn’t really known what he’d just gotten himself into with you, and you were pleasantly surprised at his answer as you half-expected him to come up with some reason to not go.

But one thing was clear to you both: It was definitely not a date.

Your hands draped near the straps of his pack by his hips as you rode out, brushing against his belt and jeans every so often. It wasn’t a difficult route by any means; fairly smooth and clear of any obstructions.

Being the passenger gave you the opportunity to be immersed by your surroundings rather than having to focus in front of you. You got to pay attention to the small things, like the rhythmic beat of the horse’s hooves against the ground and the scent of pine mingled with the earthy aroma of the forest. The trees towered above you, their branches forming a natural canopy that filtered the sunlight, casting dappled shadows on the trail. Every so often, the trees would give way to open meadows, where wildflowers swayed in the gentle breeze.

When you weren’t being captivated by nature, your attention was drawn back to Joel. The heat had caused his hair to curl at the nape of his neck that was slicked with sweat, seeping into the collar of his dark gray shirt that stretched across his shoulders and back with more splotches of sweat. Now and then, you’d get a glimpse of his profile when he scouted around. You felt like a teenager getting to hang out with her crush that she’d had since elementary school, your stomach doing flips just from the proximity alone.

The ride itself was filled with comfortable silence, punctuated by moments of look there and did you see that? with every passing mile. You could get used to this– having these little outings together.

You could hear the rushing water before you could see it, the sound of it growing louder and louder until it finally came into view. When the landscape presented itself before you, you felt a child-like thrill growing in your chest. The clear water shimmered with a vivid turquoise hue that seemed almost unreal, partnered with tall limestone walls that framed the lake. Smaller stone structures and boulders formed near the base of the waterfall, enticing you to explore and conquer their heights again like you’d done in the past. The vegetation extended all around the area, mosses and ferns clung to the rock walls in a tapestry of greenery. It all gave you a sense of simultaneous exhilaration and peace.

Eager to get to the water, you dismounted from the horse before Joel could hitch it, causing him to call out after you in protest and watch you with a careful eye as he got everything situated. You stood at the mouth of the lake with your boots kicked off when he joined you, slowly following suit.

“So.. What do you wanna do now?”

With the heat, there was only one thing to do.

“Jump in.” You pointed to a ledge that was a considerable height up. “From there.”

He met where your finger signaled, then back to you with a quizzical look. “Don’t you reckon that’s a bit high?”

You shrugged your shoulders and threw a smile over your shoulder as you walked away from him, earning a scoff and one of his typical disapproving head shakes. His eyes stayed on you as you made your way, widening when you started to peel off your clothes piece by piece.

First off was your tank top, slipping it effortlessly over your head, then the undoing of your belt and shimmying out of your jeans. You’d stripped down to only a sports bra and underwear, both of which happened to match, which was very much unplanned. Through each removal of clothing, Joel couldn’t help but have his eyes glued to you. He became restless, running his hands through his hair and turning around just to face back to you because he simply couldn’t keep his eyes off you. And when you looked back at him, you felt a little boost of confidence in seeing how he kept his attention on you.

You ascended the rocks, reaching your desired spot and standing proudly, waving your arms above your head at a miffed Joel. The air was filled with a refreshing mist, carrying the fragrance of damp earth and the invigorating energy of the cascading waterfall. The lake below you offered a new perspective on how high you really were, and for a second, you considered that Joel was maybe right.

But fuck it.

Your legs propelled you forward, curling up as you plummeted, and your shouts of joy drowned out by the thunderous roar of the falls. The water engulfed you, prickling your body with its cold touch. Submerged beneath the surface, you held onto the sensation of being weightless, listening to nothing but the ebb and flow of the currents and feeling them weave through your fingertips.

You emerged from the depths to the sun’s warmth on your face. When you refocused your vision, you saw that Joel was standing in the same spot as before, now with his arms crossed against his chest. You swam closer to the shoreline.

“Come on, water’s fine!” He shook his head. “It wasn’t a question, now get your ass in here, Miller!”

He rolled his eyes and huffed, shaking his head once more before pulling off his shirt by the collar and tossing it aside with his boots and pack, and despite being in the freezing water, you flooded with heat at the sight of him. You’d only seen him in small increments when tending his wounds, but now you could finally know what he looked like underneath those damned clothes.

Just as you suspected, his shoulders were strong with muscle, and the prominent veins in his hands and forearms traveled upwards through his biceps. His chest and abdomen were toned and had an even layer of hair, and you basically drooled at the definition of his hips and the trail of hair leading down that was secured by a belt. Beyond his attractive features, though, you saw his scars of survival. His torso littered with healed lesions, many of which you cared for, and a significant mark near his side that reflected the time of his near-death.

“Don’t splash me now, alright?” He stifled a laugh as he undid his belt, which took all your self-control to not watch his hands and think ungodly things. Once he stripped down to his boxer briefs, he stepped further into the lake, wincing at the coldness as he got deeper. When the water reached his thighs, he sucked in a sharp breath and hissed, “Shit- That’s cold.”

You were too busy gaping at how muscles tensed and contorted to make a stupid remark. He delved deeper into the lake until he fully submerged himself, surfacing quickly and shaking out his hair, which was doing things for you. In all the years you spent with him, you didn’t think that he could possibly get more attractive, nor did you think that you’d ever be like this right now, yet here you were.

In what was supposed to be a little fun getaway from all the stresses of the world, you found yourself seriously lusting for him in this moment, which was a stress all on its own. You were alone in a very much secluded area, only an article of clothing or two away from being naked, moreover. The very thought sent you over the edge, making you physically ache where you wanted him the most. How easy it’d be to just close the distance and get lost in him for hours.

The fact that you couldn’t do that, though, pained you viscerally. You couldn’t keep looking at him, or else you’d do something stupid, so you closed your eyes and spread your limbs out to drift on your back. You focused on your breathing, honing in on how your body bobbed with each inhale and exhale and letting the water guide you in any direction.

The next few hours were spent floating, challenging Joel to swimming races, and jumping off the rocks to see who could make the bigger splashes. You found yourselves in lots of banter and bickering, especially when you did a flip off of a ledge and Joel was very displeased that you could’ve hit your head. All you could feel was pure, unadulterated happiness. Together, you were having fun. Real fun. Enjoying each other’s company and nature’s playground.

A while after you returned to drifting on your backside, an unfamiliar sensation across your back and thighs caused you to flail and frantically look around. Sheer panic rose as you realized that you’d drifted off into the deeper end, and you tried to calmly but quickly thrust yourself back into shallow waters.

“Somethin’ got you scared?” Joel had been awfully calm with an arrogant grin on his face, and his laughter rung out clear in the air as he watched you go through the motions of panic, confusion, and finally disdain.

You feigned indignation. “Don’t be a dick.”

Once your feet touched the solid floor, you waded and found a spot to sit in the safety of the shallows, pulling your knees up and resting your arms on them. As Joel drew in to join you, you watched as the water lapped at his waist, drawing your attention to the band of his boxer briefs that seemed to hang dangerously low on his hips and how they clung to him in a way that’d have all the women in Jackson ready on their knees for him. His body swayed with a subtle rhythm and cadence that was uniquely his; full of purpose and so.. virile. You averted your gaze to the sediment of where you sat in an attempt to rid yourself of the thoughts you were having.

The clearness allowed you to examine its composition of pebbles and rocks of all kinds, and you picked up handfuls of them to admire their different qualities, quickly getting wrapped up in recognizing unique patterns and markings. Joel watched as you threw the ones you didn’t like further into the lake, like it was a process of elimination until you found the best one.

When you liked one, you wordlessly handed it to him without taking your attention away from the ones in front of you. There was a serene grace in your actions, as if you were entrusting him with something fragile and precious, and he took notice of the care in which you handled each stone. He’d give it a once over, his fingers gliding over the surface, before dropping it back into your hand. There was something about you doing this, yielding to human nature’s innocent curiosity, that made it so much more than just a seemingly mundane exchange to him.

Your eyes met his briefly, and you saw he was truly relaxed from how the hard lines of his face were softened. The sun shone on him in where you could really see the depths of his eyes; the green-gold that seeped into a lighter brown around his pupil, creating the most beautiful iris structure you’d ever seen. His skin held a perpetual tan with freckles all over his shoulders, a feature that you weren’t necessarily familiar with. Waves and curls formed near his ears and forehead as his hair dried, most of it disheveled and left you wanting to run your fingers through to tame it. Your eyes drifted to his body for a moment, overly cognizant of how much bigger he was compared to you. With a tinge of a smile, you turned back to your little stones, gently placing them back in the water in a decision to leave them where they belonged.

“As much as I’ve enjoyed this,” Joel’s voice filled the silence, “we should get goin’ soon. Promised Tommy I’d swing by to help set up a couple things.”

You hummed in acknowledgment. If there was one thing about Joel, it was that he always showed up for Tommy, no matter how big or small it was. Even if it was a five-minute task or a project that Tommy was entirely capable of doing on his own, Joel was always there. You had that in common with him, back when you had your brother.

As you were about to stand, Joel hovered over you with an extended hand. You clasped it with your own as you gained your balance, but when doing so, your eyes caught a glimpse of something slithering right under your feet. You yelped at the sight, tightening your grip around his hand, and he instinctively pulled you to him, wrapping a protective arm around your waist while acting as a shield between you and the potential danger. He scanned the water, catching on to what you saw: a plains garter snake.

At the sound of his chuckle, you braced yourself against his chest in confusion as his arms were still around you. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s not-” he loosened his hold, but his hands still splayed over your waist. “It’s harmless, nothin’ to worry about.”

“Oh.” You bowed your head forward in relief and slight embarrassment, and a faint smile played at his lips. Your hands were still on each other, almost as if you were trying to play it out as long as possible until either you pulled away or he did, which winded up being the former. You drew back to yourself, stepping backwards as he released you. “Thanks.”

You both retrieved your belongings and set up on a flat bed of rock to dry out, another comfortable silence enveloping you once again as you bathed in the warmth. With your arm slung over your eyes, you could only sense Joel’s presence beside you. You slid your arm up to peer at him, his eyes fixed on the lake. His legs were drawn towards his chest with his forearms on his knees, his chest rising and falling in calm breaths. There was a peacefulness in his expression, a sense of contentment that mirrored your own. You smiled before covering up again, but he caught you at the last second.

“What’re you thinkin’ about over there?”

You brushed off his question. “Who says I’m thinking?”

“If there’s one thing about you, it’s that you’re never not thinkin’.” You sat up at the accusatory words, arching your eyebrows in disbelief. “Go on now, don’t keep me in suspense.”

“I..” a grin spread on your face, “..was thinking about how much fun your shift must’ve been with Fitz yesterday.”

You giggled as he let out a groan, successfully diverting away from where the conversation was leading. “Oh, it was a fuckin’ shift alright– and I don’t wanna talk too much about work, but he shouldn’t be bothering you anymore.”

You faced him and leaned back on your hand, eyeing him, “Joel, what did you-”

“I took care of it.” He left no room for you to speak, his voice stern. He softened a moment after once he realized how it came out a little too sharp. He lowered his attention down to his hands, rubbing his thumb into his palm, “..Not s’pose to treat a woman the way he does, especially when it’s you.”

A moment came and went in where it looked like he regretted his words, fearing that he may have revealed too much, or maybe not enough. But what you felt was incomparable to anything you’d ever felt before, hearing him tell you– blatantly admit to you that he regarded you differently than other people, and that if someone crossed you, they were crossing him too. You always knew he had your six, but this was different than that.

“Why didn’t you tell me he was doin’ that? Or Tommy?”

Those dumb, beautiful eyes conveyed a genuine concern that immediately made you feel guilty for not saying something sooner when you very well could’ve. At the same time, you didn’t want to fuss or make a big deal out of it. It was better that it was you than someone else, like Joel. So you tolerated it, because you were still able to do your job even with an annoying fucking twat as your partner.

“I never took him seriously. I thought he’d just stop if I ignored it enough, but.. clearly not.” You gave a half-suppressed laugh, knowing how ridiculous and naive it sounded out loud. He sighed at your answer, making you fidget, “I know! I know. You’re right– it was stupid of me-”

“Sweetheart–” his hand on your leg and delicious southern drawl shut you right up, “nothin’ stupid about you tryin’ to keep the peace. Just.. let me know next time, okay?”

All you could do was nod, dumbfounded by this new, open protectiveness towards you. He knew better than anyone else how you could handle yourself, but he still couldn’t help but feel that it was his job to keep you safe and be your advocate when you weren’t your own.

Without another word, he rose and offered you a hand up, indicating that enough time had passed and you should get going if you were going to be on time for the party. You accepted the gesture again, but he held your hand longer this time as he guided you down the rocks so that you wouldn’t trip, a chivalrous act that also gave an excuse to linger on your skin.

A hot shower was what you needed to scrub the freshwater off your skin and out of your hair, also to give you some much needed relief from having to control yourself the whole time you were with him, but of course you did that after he left since you shared his bathroom.

The sun dipped lower in the sky, casting a golden glow over Jackson. The vibrant energy of the evening pulsed through the town, the streets alive with people as they made their way to the most popular establishment, laughter and music floating through the air. You’d gone through about four outfits before ultimately deciding on a ribbed henley tank, jeans, and sneakers

Just before running out the door, you checked yourself in the mirror to smooth any stray hairs away from your face. With a smile, you stepped out, falling in with your neighbors who’d been on their way over as well, engaging in conversation on the short walk there. There’d been a crowd gathered outside the Tipsy Bison, people mingling and sharing stories, some already on their second round of drinks.

Through the doors you were immediately greeted by a wave of warmth and liveliness. Your eyes danced around the bar, jumping from full booths and high tables, to the large alcohol selection behind the counter guarded by about three barkeeps if you were counting right. The air was filled with a thousand different scents, ranging from beer and cigarettes to perfume and aftershave. And lastly, the sounds which brought it all together, the clinking of glasses and hum of conversation, and of course, music. Your music that people were enjoying.

Searching the crowd, you spotted familiar faces and friends scattered throughout the place, engrossed in their own circles, but the one person you actively sought out was nowhere in sight. Your efforts slowed as you heard a picking of chords grow louder over the speakers, causing a wild smile to grow on your face.

♫

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone Turned on some music to start my day I lost myself in a familiar song

♫

“I closed my eyes and I slipped awaaay!” Tommy appeared at your side two shots in one hand and unopened beers between his fingers in the other, slinging the arm around your shoulder as he pushed the small glass into your hands.

Without hesitation, you threw the shot back with him, feeling the instant burn go down your throat. You both popped off the beer caps off a nearby counter, a party trick you’d gotten quite good at over the years, before rushing over to the middle of the floor to join the rest of the party and sing your hearts out to your first song of the night. You could barely hear yourself over the speakers and fellow singers, saving you from the embarrassment from being incredibly off-key. Your body reacted instantly to the music, finding the rhythm and constantly moving in accordance. That was the other thing about music, you felt most comfortable in your skin when you listened and danced to it, being able to fall in with whatever played. In between the verses, you hurried over to the bar to grab more shots and beers, slamming doubles back before pulling each other back to the floor.

You and Tommy locked arms and pressed back to back while holding up your bottles in a toast-fashion, switching off during the last chorus and refrain and holding out the longer notes.

♫

It’s more than a feeling (More than a feeling!)

When I hear that old song they used to play (More than a feeling!)

I begin dreaming (More than a feeling!) ...

♫

The alcohol was slowly but surely taking over, a key indicator being the warm, fuzzy buzzing that flourished throughout your body. You clung to Tommy’s shoulder and leaned towards his ear during a break between songs, “Tommy, this is way better than I thought it was gonna be!”

He looked at you with wide eyes and a grin, “I know right! Joel really helped pull it together before we opened the doors!”

You smiled at the compliment towards his brother, then furrowing your brows. “Where is he, anyway?”

You both looked around for a moment before Tommy steered you off to the side, yelling that it was too hard to see from the middle, and your efforts were put on pause again as you winded up near a large group of patrolmen that grabbed Tommy’s attention. He dragged you with him to socialize, though you mainly watched from the outskirts of the circle, smiling and nodding along where the conversations went as you didn’t have much to say or add.

When you went to drink from your bottle, you noticed the lightness of it and realized that you needed another, giving you the perfect excuse to slip away and look for him. You checked over your shoulders as you squeezed your way through to the bar to request your next drink, and it didn’t help that the room was dimly lit and was accompanied by flashing strobes.

The barkeep slid you a bottle across the counter and you swiftly popped it off, taking a swig before turning around right into somebody. An apology flew out of your mouth before you could even see who it was, their voice catching your attention and making you look at them.

“Hey, no worries! Both still got our drinks, yeah?”

Samson flashed you a grin, his hand light on your arm but enough to keep you steady. You raised your beer to him, his eyes flickered between it and you before raising his own and tapping the neck of your bottles together. You both took another swig.

As you got into conversation, you moved away from the bar towards the wall where there wasn’t much action going on. You talked about how nice the place had been transformed for the night and shared your favorite drinks, occasionally dropping a drunk-story from your youths. And the weird part? You found yourself genuinely enjoying his presence. With the way he kept eye-contact with you and made you feel like he was actually listening and comprehending the words falling out of your mouth, laughing and giving you verbal cues that he was following along, it made you see him in a way you hadn’t before.

You were.. enchanted. If it had been any other man, they’d dominate the conversation, going on about themselves the whole time and forcing you to listen. But with Samson, he treated you like an equal. He never cut you off or interjected to relate, waiting until you were entirely done or if you allowed him to weigh in between your thoughts.

“By the way–” he wiped his mouth of any residual beer, “I don’t want this to come off as weird, but you look incredible tonight. I don't think I’ve ever seen you dress in anything other than like, work clothes– and not that you look bad in that!” You giggled as he tripped over his words, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade. “What I’m trying to say is that I think you’re very beautiful, and I don’t want you to think I’m like Fitz.”

Your fingers brushed against his arm, furrowing your eyebrows at him for thinking such things, “Awh, Samson! You’re nothing like him, I hope you know that.”

He smiled down at his feet before back at you, “I know the other day you said that you and Joel weren’t a thing, and Tommy told me you weren’t seeing anybody– so I guess I’m just triple checking here– is there someone in the picture?”

So this was who Tommy was playing matchmaker for.

Your heart slowed and you fought to keep the innocent smile on your face. Was he approaching you at the bar when you bumped into him? Was he pretending to act like that just to segue into this? Several things ran through your mind as your eyes drifted away from his, and just when he was about to call you back to attention, the devil himself appeared: Tommy.

He swooped in around Samson’s shoulders, nursing a beer in hand. He held a smugness in his demeanor, surely you thought it was about the scene he’d set up until he spoke.

“Looks like you may have a roommate for the night.”

He jerked his hand behind him to a woman leaning against a pillar with Joel standing mere inches in front of her. He stood still with his hands to himself, but dropped his head closer to hers with a clear smile on his face. She beamed up at him with a look you knew all too well, not even attempting to conceal her attraction to him. She laughed too much for your liking while gripping his bicep, probably sneaking in some flirty comment with a double-meaning. Good fucking God.

You thought maybe you had a breakthrough at the lake, but this proved that you clearly didn’t, and you couldn’t believe you were stupid enough to think that what he said had any depth underneath it. Joel cared about you– this you knew. He cared in the same way he cared for Tommy and Ellie. But somewhere along the lines you’d gotten it confused with love, something he had for them, but maybe not you. Samson’s words replayed in your head in a painful reminder.

You said you and Joel weren’t a thing… Tommy told me you weren’t seeing anybody.. Is there someone in the picture?

Your eyes widened then narrowed, your jaw wiring shut as your chest began to heave. Tommy’s grin fell as he watched your features morph into something between resent and heartbreak, his eyes nervously peering from you, to Joel, to Samson as the alcohol took a momentary backseat.

He’d always sensed something between you and Joel after you settled in, though he knew that neither one of you would ever admit to your feelings for each other out of stubbornness. But he saw the way Joel looked at you after saying you didn’t have someone to call your own this morning, how his big brother almost looked offended by the truth of your answer. The reality was that Samson was interested in you, but Tommy had seen it as an opportunity to put pressure on the status between you both, and now he saw that it didn’t go in the direction of which he hoped and it was clearly affecting you.

“Oh, y’know he won’t take ‘er home! Never’s taken anyone. Not like that with him. Too chickenshit.” He tried his best to play off his earlier comment to put you at ease, but by the way the gap seemed to be closing between them only made the green-eyed monster rear its ugly head in full force.

You cleared your throat as you broke away, grabbing three shots off a nearby high table and handing them to the two men before you, needing to wash down the bitter taste in your mouth. “Oh, Tommy, you must’ve mistaken me for someone who cares. Who knows if I’ll even be going home tonight?”

Samson’s face lit up in surprise as you wiggled your brows at him and grabbed his hand to lead away while leaving Tommy open-mouthed as he saw right through your spite. Breathless curses left his mouth as he watched you disappear through the crowd, a frustration growing towards you and Joel for being so goddamn stupid about each other.

The barkeeps fed you two more shots and another beer. The alcohol was definitely hitting now. A few minutes ago, you were properly pissed off, wanting to storm up to Joel and give him a piece of your mind and telling the woman to go kick rocks, but now you were all over Samson, turning up the charm for him. It didn’t matter anymore if he just wanted to fuck, because maybe you’d just let him. He let out a chuckle and smiled, prompting you to tilt your head at him in question.

“The music tonight has been so fucking good,” he drank from the bottle, a smirk forming on your face, “I mean, when was the last time you heard this song?”

The bass riff and guitars let you know exactly what song had been playing, a long-time favorite of yours. You could’ve answered 'a couple months ago' to his question, but you took silent pride in knowing that he was another person impressed by your picks. He understood your cue as you turned your head to the middle of the room and back, placing his hand on the small of your back as you weaved through people. You wrapped an arm around his shoulder as he drew you closer to him by your waist, moving in sync to the beat.

♫

One of these nights One of these crazy old nights We're gonne find out pretty mama What turns on your lights ...

♫

If intimacy, yearning, and sex was a song, surely it’d be this one.

♫

Ooh.. someone to be kind to In between the dark and the light ...

♫

You sang out with your heart, pressing your body into Samson’s, but knowing the lyrics were about him. And deep down, you wanted him to hear it and think of you. Think of how you were the daughter of the devil himself and the angel in white, the woman he’s been looking for with a little of both and how she is in sight.

Around you were all couples reflecting exactly what you’d been doing, some doing more but your eyes didn’t linger on them long. You caught the faces of work friends and neighbors totally focused on their person as you swayed around, smiling at their fun. Eventually, the whole room sang along, an imperfect harmony to your ears that you couldn’t get tired of hearing tonight.

As the song winded down, Samson held you closer and craned his head down until your foreheads and noses were touching, still swaying to the guitar riffs. You took it a step further and pressed your mouth to his, your hand cupping his cheek and fingertips grazing his hair. You hadn’t expected anything out of it other than the feeling of your lips on someone else’s, but you didn’t pull away. You couldn’t. Your tongues found one another every other kiss, deepening as they went. His warmth kept you glued to him, and you found yourself taking a liking to his taste of alcohol and.. mint, maybe? Definitely something with an icy, refreshing hint.

You didn’t realize how long you’d been kissing, or kissing enough times that it was leading to straight-up making out, until you heard clear hoots and whistles during the switch between songs. When you pulled away, his lips were noticeably more plump compared to earlier, and the tingling sensation on yours let you know that they probably looked the same. You bit your bottom lip as you looked around at the ones cheering you on, the corners of your mouth curling up, but you broke out into a complete grin once you saw his face.

♫

Off with your head Dance til you're dead Heads will roll Heads will roll ...

♫

You’d almost tripped over your own two feet, discreetly looking over Samson’s shoulder from left to right to make sure you were seeing things right, and the excitement you felt when they were? Unmatched. And almost as if it’d been planned, the perfect song was playing.

If he’d been giving you or Samson a death-stare, you couldn’t tell, but either way, you loved seeing the scowl on his face. His fingers tightly curled around his beer that if he did it any tighter it’d break, the hard lines on his face prominent to you even this far away. You situated yourself to the side, giving him the perfect view as you brushed your nose against Samson’s, giving him your best doe eyes before melting into his mouth again, making sure that Joel could see the smile on your lips when you broke away and went back for more.

Your body winded up as the song progressed, building up to the drop and heavy riff. The strobe lights blinked quickly enough to cause a stroboscopic effect on everyone’s movement, perceiving them to move slower than they actually were. But when you looked back at Joel, he stayed completely still, his eyes locked on you between the several bodies that separated you from him. He looked so.. menacing.. that it made you shiver and throb. A wicked grin spread on your lips.

♫

Off, off with your head! Dance, dance til you're dead!

♫

Turning around, you pressed into Samson and grinded your backside into him. His hands were off you as quickly they were on you, frowning at the absence, you spun around and saw why: Tommy, again. You’d suspected something bad from the way his gaze fell back and forth between you both and he had a strong hand on his shoulder, but were eased when Samson held up a finger to you and smiled.

As much as you wanted to dance, you also wanted another drink, the empty bottle in your hand now warm from holding it for so long. Sliding shoulders through the floor, you looked between the bar and the bathroom, choosing to make the pitstop before continuing on. Pushing in the door, you were relieved there wasn’t a line, darting into an open stall to squat and do your business. As you finished, another body entered the bathroom in heels that clicked and echoed until they stopped in front of the sink, to what you imagined was a woman checking her makeup. When you got out, you saw their reflection in the mirror– indeed they’d been checking their face, but it’d also been the woman that’d been smitten with Joel. You paid no mind to her other than your initial glance, ignoring her presence and harshly scrubbing the soap on your hands.

“That older Miller’s somethin’, ain’t he?” Your hands froze under the running water. “I only got a taste earlier, but I bet he’s real good in bed.”

The fuck does she mean she got a taste earlier?

Your face must’ve been showing too much of a reaction based on the stupid fucking smile on hers and a snobbish laugh. Not even bothering to dry off your hands with paper towel, you rubbed them against your jeans and threw the door open to leave, storming up to the bar and impatiently tapping your fingers against the wood as you waited.

Fuck her, and fuck Joel. And you know what? Fuck Tommy, too. If he hadn’t brought it to your attention, maybe you wouldn’t have seen it. Then you wouldn’t have downed one too many drinks and legitimately considered sleeping with someone as rebound off hurt feelings, and then maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t be feeling like all kinds of fucked up right now. You blinked back the burning in your eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry over this right now.

The lights returned to their original dimness and calmed down on the strobes, allowing you to search around a bit easier for any of the three people you found yourself with most tonight, but had no luck. Samson and Tommy were out of sight, and you didn’t have the slightest idea of what he pulled Samson away for. As for Joel, he moved from the last spot you remembered him in, or was it over there? You shook your head. It didn’t take much contemplation to decide on going home, you had your fun, but it was over, and you were too far gone to spark it back up in any capacity.

You held your arms tight to your body as you embraced the cool air on the walk to Rancher Street, a fair distance from the Tipsy Bison. The lightness in your head caused you to stumble quite a bit, wishing that either your house was closer or that someone would’ve walked with you. Other times when you drank too much, though it didn’t happen very often, either Tommy or Joel were right there at your side to get you home safe, but you wanted to throw yourself in someone’s yard and pass the fuck out rather than be alone.

Stomping up the porch, you caught yourself on the doorknob last minute as you tripped, fumbling it open and pushing inside. You ungracefully dropped to your ass, tugging at the aglets of your laces in the dark until the knots came undone and kicked your shoes off. So focused on keeping yourself upright, you hadn’t noticed Joel staring at you while leaning against the entryway of the living room with his arms crossed.

“Wasn’t expecting you.” His tone was deep and flat. You scoffed as you got off the floor, face contorting as you mocked him.

“I live here, don’t I?”

“Alone, I meant.” You shook your head as you walked past him, but he grabbed your wrist and held you in place, feeling the heat of his glare on your back. “You gon’ tell me what the hell that was back there?”

You met his eyes over your shoulder. “That was me having a good time. Same as you with that lovely woman.”

“Bullshit.” He shot back. “That wasn’t the same.”

“Oh, please,” you scoffed while yanking your wrist back, turning into the kitchen and bracing yourself along the island, “s’hardly a difference.”

“Really?” He followed you, his frustration apparent in the way his jaw clenched. “‘Cause it sure looked like you were all over him tryin’ to prove somethin’.”

You pointed at yourself, “I don’t have anything to prove to anybody!” you snapped, the words coming out slow but loud, “And if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re jealous.”

His eyes darkened, slowly taking a step towards you, “I am not-”

“Then what the fuck is wrong?” You staggered around the island on the emphasis of the curse, throwing your hands up, “I didn’t do a damn thing, and you’re losing your fucking head!”

“You didn’t– Wow.” A wry laugh came out his mouth. He waved you off, his tone dripping with bitterness. “I ain’t gotta explain myself to you.”

���And neither do I!” You retorted in defiance, your arms grandly gesturing. Your cheeks were hot with anger now, more so than before. “I can do whatever the hell I want, Joel! I don’t need your fucking permission!”

He dragged a hand down his face, turning away from you before whipping around and meeting you at the end of the island, raising his voice at you. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“And you’re insufferable!” you seethed as you pushed his chest, his hands seizing your wrists, “Acting like you have some fucking claim over me when we’re not even together!”

The silence after your outburst was deafening.

His anger faltered as a flash of pain crossed his face, quickly making your own frustration subside. The hard lines on his face deepened, a slight frown and somberness settling upon it. His grip on your wrists remained firm, but there was a hint of vulnerability in his touch. You wanted to blame the alcohol for making you so mean, but it was really the floodgate of feelings that’d been repressed for far too long.

You huffed, “Joel, I-” he interrupted you by tearing his eyes away from yours and releasing your wrists.

The pang in your chest was unmistakable. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. This was the part where everything was supposed to come out, to confront the truth of your feelings, but instead he was backing away, retreating and shutting down that conversation before it could even begin. You said his name again, but he simply raised his hand and continued to walk out of the kitchen.

Fuck– No. No, no, no. Your dejection passed and your temper flared up again. No, he doesn’t get to just walk away.

“Joel!” You called out, your voice tinged with frustration and desperation, “Joel, stop!”

But he didn’t. He kept walking, putting more distance between you and fueling your determination. Your heart was pounding as you quickened your pace to catch up with him upstairs, his arm just out of reach before he slammed his door in your face. He didn’t respond when you pounded on the door and demanded for him to come out, your temper mixing between anger and hurt.

“Screw you, Joel! I’m so tired of this– whatever the fuck this is!” Your voice trembled, feeling a punch to the gut when you remembered an obnoxiously accurate point he’d made to you once before. “I-I fucked up– but people do things when they’re scared!”

Your eyes stung, and it hadn’t dawned on you yet that you were potentially jeopardizing everything by blabbering off, but you couldn’t stop now.

“I can’t- Fuck-” a ruined sigh forced itself out your lungs, your thoughts moving too fast for you to comprehend, “If you’re gonna break my heart, do it now, because I can’t-”

You didn’t know when he’d opened the door and stepped out, but you stopped your rambling as soon as you saw him. The silence fell heavy, the only sound being his boots stepping towards you until his chest was nearly touching yours and his breath fanned over your skin. Your eyes darted around his face, from his eyes, to his nose, lips, beard, and back to his eyes again. Just the slightest inch forward and you’d be touching him, the fact making you shiver and fiercely pulse between your thighs.

Your heart ached when you saw the raw emotion in his eyes– an amalgamation of sadness, yearning, lust, and tenderness– all things you grew to be familiar with when you found yourselves running in circles. You couldn’t stand the way his eyes flickered between yours and how his warm hands were slowly reaching up to cup your face. And how you could now feel his chest pressed against yours. And how his lips parted. And that fucking look on his face.

“Joel,” you quavered, “don’t..”

But he knew.

A soft, broken breath escaped you as it was all suddenly becoming too real, reaching the point of no return.

“Don’t look at me like that unless you mean it.”

His lips crashed into yours.

[samynnad102687]

Marauderstober

Oct. 20th - WolfStar- Same Jumper Cuddles

1,080 words

“Sirius?” Remus called from the bedroom. 

“Yeah?” Sirius asked from the doorway.

“Have you seen my red jumper? The one with the stripes.” Remus was digging through his closet but he couldn’t find it and he swore it was there the other day.

“Nope. I haven’t seen it.”

“Are you su-” Remus looked up from what he was doing. “You’re wearing it,” he exclaimed.

“Oh, this jumper?” Sirius asked innocently and Remus nodded his head like an idiot. “I didn’t think you would notice.”

“You didn’t think I would notice you were wearing my favourite jumper?” Sirius shrugged nonchalantly. “Why can’t you wear your own jumpers instead of stealing mine all of the time?”

“Because this one is all comfy and warm and I love it,” Sirius said as he wrapped himself up even more in Remus’ jumper.

“So do I,” Remus declared exasperatedly. “Take it off.”

“But I don’t want to,” Sirius pouted and Remus had to bite his tongue before he gave it. It was those damn puppy dog eyes.

“That’s not going to work this time. I need that jumper.”

“But…”

“How about this? We can go to the shops and I will get you one just like it and then we can match,” Remus suggested. 

“Or… we could just share this one. It’s big enough for the two of us,” Sirius said as he wiggled his eyebrows and Remus could feel his resolve crumbling. 

Remus stood there for a few more minutes in contemplation. It would add to the warmth of the jumper but he also didn’t want his favourite jumper stretched out. Maybe they could get one from the shops that was big enough for the both of them. Remus could also get Sirius his own jumper so that they were matching. That seemed like a logical plan. Granted, he had already suggested it but Remus still thought it was a good idea.

“Okay. You can wear it to the shops and we will see what we can find,” Remus said firmly. He really wanted his jumper back even though he did love how Sirius looked in his clothes. Not that he was going to tell him that.

“But I want to keep wearing it. It’s comfy,” Sirius whined.

“I know it is and I have had it for years. It’s my favourite,” Remus declared solemnly. “If we go to the shops now then we can cuddle and watch your favourite movie when we get back.”

Yes, Remus was bribing his boyfriend. Was he ashamed of that? Not particularly. Sirius did the same thing with his puppy dog eyes. And Remus could see that it was working. Sirius’ resolve was cracking under the promise of cuddles later.

“Fine,” Sirius gave in a few minutes later.

~~

Remus and Sirius found a small family-owned thrift shop. Remus loved thrift shops. They had the most eclectic collection of clothes and antiques that you couldn’t find in a big name shop. They walked around the shop for a few minutes before Remus found the jumpers and started to sort through them while Sirius got distracted by the ceramic motorbike that he swears looks just like the one he wants to get. Not that that was going to happen anytime soon. 

After looking for ten minutes, Remus managed to find a jumper that was nearly identical to the one Sirius was currently wearing. The only difference was the width of the stripes but it was the same colours and textures. 

“Hey Pads?” Remus asked but when he looked up Sirius had disappeared. Of course he did. “Sirius?” He said a little louder.

“Yeah?” Sirius called back and Remus saw his head pop up from behind a rack of leather jackets. He should have known.

“Come here.”

Sirius bounced happily over to Remus with a new jacket in his hands and the ceramic motorbike. He really couldn’t take Sirius anywhere, could he? At least, James wasn’t with this time. 

“What do you think of this one?” Remus asked as he held up the jumper.

“For me or you?”

“For you.”

“It’s okay, I guess but I prefer this one,” Sirius said as he pulled Remus’ jumper away from his body slightly.

“So do I, that’s why we are here.”

“Come on, Moony. Why can’t I wear it today?” Sirius pouted.

“Because it’s sentimental to me, especially today.”

“What’s today? Did I forget something important about today? Please tell me I didn’t forget our anniversary,” Sirius asked frantically.

“No, you didn’t forget our anniversary.” Remus took a deep breath. “It’s just that my mum gave me that jumper as an early birthday gift right before she passed. It was the last thing that I got from her.”

“Oh. Oh. Oh shit. I’m sorry, Moony. I can take off right now.” Sirius declared as he tried to take off the jumper.

“No, it’s fine. You can wear it until we get home.”

“Oh, okay. This one works for me,” Sirius said as he picked up the jumper in Remus’ hands.

Remus was about to leave the table with the jumpers when he noticed an oversized one that would be big enough for the two of them. He grabbed it and they headed for the register to pay for what they found. It wasn’t much but they only came in for a jumper. When they got back home, Sirius took off Remus’ jumper quickly and handed it back to Remus, who set it carefully on the arm of the couch.

“Why aren’t you putting it on?” Sirius asked curiously.

“Because I found this and I want to try it first. That is if you still want to cuddle,” Remus said as he raised his eyebrow in question.

“Of course I do. How could you think I wouldn’t want to cuddle?” Sirius exclaimed, offended.

“Then come here.”

Remus put the rest of their purchase on the table. They could put it away later. He sat down and Sirius was able to crawl into the jumper with Remus and cuddled up while Remus grabbed the remote for the telly. The jumper had already been stretched out which is why it could fit the both of them. They stayed cuddled together in the same jumper for the entire length of the movie and when Remus went to turn it off, he noticed that Sirius had fallen asleep on his chest. Remus pet Sirius’ hair and gave him a kiss before readjusting slightly and pulling out his phone.

@cazzythefrogking @clementinewoolf @maladaptivewriting @multiimoments @lavenderhaze @literally-the-prettiest-star @thebibutterflyao3 @seiworf @emjayeingray @remusregulusrosekiller @heartsoncover @accuratewhereabouts @belowthestarrs

[hazardous-waste-containment]

okay, real quick [not so quick as it turns out, you will notice these get longer as i go on for basically no reason; this is as succinct as i get i think]:

italy (1914–1925): oligarchic/corrupt liberal parliamentary system, relatively weak + poor among the great powers, frustrated territorial ambitions despite a handful of colonies. heterogeneous radical nationalist movement (stretching left to right on various issues) in wwi advocates participation in the war for various conflicting reasons, and then sticks around after the war ends—at the same time as the national humiliation of unsatisfied territorial demands, a brief economic recession, problems w veteran demobilization, proto-revolutionary labor unrest, and the general collapse of politics-as-usual. radical nationalists generally consolidate into two camps, 1) a more radical and popular one behind mussolini ("fascists"), built mostly on the use of armed force against rural socialists (and to seize control of local govt) but also including a pro-worker 'left' faction, 2) a more reactionary, pro-business, monarchist, etc clique (ani). mussolini is handed power after a show of force in rome in 1922 but presides over a seminormal conservative govt (what we might call 'illiberal democracy' today?) until the fascist murder of the socialist leader giacomo matteoti in 1924; the ensuing crisis eventually forces mussolini to stand before parliament in 1925 and declare an outright dictatorship, but the regime that emerges in the late 1920s represents a series of compromises and the input of multiple, fascist + nonfascist (esp. the ani), contending factions

germany (1918–1933): late to imperialism and industrialization but caught up fast, becomes the industrial heart of europe under an increasingly militaristic authoritarian monarchy. stripped of colonies and much of its european territory after wwi, briefly succumbs to a communist rev that's crushed by the new post-imperial liberal democracy. diverse and aggressive far right subculture variously focused on imperial restoration, territorial aggrandizement, antisemitism, etc. german workers' party, working-class offshoot of a racialist occult sect, is among these groups and is quickly commandeered by adolf hitler and the adjective 'national socialist' added. radical nationalist ecosystem feeds off of national humiliation of defeat, abdication, etc etc, economic crisis, veteran problem, and continued impositions by france. nazi attempt to exploit a serious crisis in 1923 and take power by force fails, party banned and hitler imprisoned, during which time he fleshes out a sophisticated ideology of, basically, revolutionary racism, entailing complete dictatorship, social levelling and worker mobilization, new imperial conquests to the east, and extermination of racial inferiors. hitler released from prison early and gets party unbanned, great depression in 1929 catapults the nsdap into national politics, claiming a third of the vote by 1932. to the nazis' 'right' arguably are the dnvp (authoritarian, monarchist, pro-business) and the vaguely authoritarian presidential clique clinging to power by emergency rule as of 1930. nazi militia attacks leftists in the streets but also tries to rally workers and supports the late 1932 berlin transport strike; despite apparent radicalism, hitler promises industrialists he's their best option and so they pressure the weak/collapsing presidential regime to bring the nazis into the fold. this occurs as a result of internal squabbles in the conservative camp when hitler is named chancellor in early 1933, and only a few months of 'illiberal democracy' ensue before the nazis install a single-party dictatorship and, more specifically, begin consolidating much more total party control over the state and traditional elites than the italian fascists ever managed

spain (1930–1937): neutral in wwi. declining imperial power; largely poor, weak, and agrarian, similar to italy; conservative dictatorship overthrown in 1930, king rules as interim dictator until new elections act as de facto referendum on the monarchy: republicans sweep the cities in a landslide, the king goes into self-exile, and a liberal democracy is proclaimed. radical nationalist subculture partially inspired by what's going on in italy seeks restored authoritarian catholic monarchy. a young intellectual called ramiro ledesma ramos, like the nazis and fascists, preaches something beyond that, a revolutionary totalitarian republic based on worker mobilization and sweeping expropriations + nationalizations. he joins w an extreme catholic in 1931 to form the jons, composed of radical university students. in 1933, the aristocratic lawyer and dictator's son, josé antonio primo de rivera, founds his own fascist-inspired 'falange', somewhat more catholic and moderate; the falange wins two seats in parliament w help from the mainstream right. the year later the falangists and 'jonsists' merge, though josé antonio soon consolidates autocratic control w/in the party and kicks out ledesma. although increasingly violent towards leftists, the falange remains a minuscule and mostly irrelevant force. the rise of the popular front in 1936 sees a state crackdown on the falange and josé antonio's arrest, after which he begins plotting for armed insurgency; however, the military takes the initiative and stages a coup which becomes a civil war. the falange balloons in membership and joins the rightist 'nationalist' camp. w most of its old leadership executed by republicans, the nationalist generalissimo francisco franco coopts the falange and converts it into his personal power base in 1937, gradually purging the falange of authentically fascist elements over the next several years.

romania (1923–1941): not only victorious in wwi but, unlike italy, gets massive territorial concessions largely satisfying any lingering irredentism. no colonial history except that of its own colonization. deeply impoverished and agrarian society + oligarchic/corrupt liberal parliamentary system, w a looong history of antisemitism. jews are only granted civil rights in 1923; in the same year, professor and antisemitic politician a.c. cuza founds the lanc: aggressively anti-jewish on an almost single-issue basis. within the lanc is a faction of university students banking on the student protest movement of the early 1920s; their leader, corneliu codreanu, thinks cuza should go beyond electoral activity and build an armed mass movement capable of mobilizing a) students like himself, and b) the peasantry, or in other words the students' parents. this results in the codrenists splitting from the lanc in 1927 as the 'legion of the archangel michael' espousing a semiheretical and mystical school of orthodox christianity, genocidal antisemitism, and a sort of peasant socialism. over the 1930s the legionaries do in fact become an armed mass movement of the youth and peasants, and a persistent thorn in the side of the oligarchic establishment, at one point assassinating a prime minister. politics finally grinds to a halt in 1937, when the national christians (authoritarian, antisemitic, but not revolutionary; successor to the lanc, w a love-hate relationship to the legion) are hoisted into govt. the nc administration proves too friendly to the legionaries and instead, in 1938 king carol seizes power from above, creating a royal dictatorship w a vague/amorphous single party collecting members of the old oligarchy. codreanu is assassinated and the legion declares all-out revolutionary war on the state, but unsuccessfully. they remain a threat though; in 1940 carol changes tack and tries to coopt the legion, but his regime breaks down and he abdicates in favor of military dictator ion antonescu, who more fully absorbs the legion into govt in a franco-like arrangement. unlike franco who was able to slowly marginalize the falange, the legion's unruliness makes it an unsustainable partner: a 1941 legionary revolt turns into a horrific pogrom and antonescu purges it in the most brutal and decisive anti-legionary crackdown yet. this doesn't stop the more 'orderly' and pragmatic antonescu regime from participating enthusiastically in the holocaust.

[aliveandfullofjoy]

Are there trends or artists in musical theatre today that you feel are promising for the art form as a whole?

oh gosh what an interesting question

boring answer, but dave malloy is just doing such cool things with the sound of mt. i'm glad that octet took off a bit, but i'm bummed that he hasn't had a platform as visible as broadway since great comet. the fact that he had to crowdsource funding for the recording of three houses is... bleak!

and there are so many "younger" mt writers and artists whose work i find cool -- michael r. jackson, helen park, justin levine, shaina taub -- who all seem like inevitable members of the broadway old guard. if nothing else, jackson's a strange loop feels like a genuinely monumental musical in a decade that has felt weirdly subdued so far.

i am always going to be interested to see people troubling the idea of What Musical Theatre Sounds Like. genre, language, structure, all that stuff. make it weirder. i wish i had names immediately coming to mind who are doing this in the way i'm trying to articulate but i know there are people doing this lol.

the biggest trend i find... most interesting is the word i guess is how stuff like tiktok/podcasting has the power to ~democratize~ (for lack of a better word) musical theatre writing in a way that it kind of didn't exist before. like, they may not be the best-written musicals out there, but things like the ratatouille tiktok musical, the unofficial bridgerton musical (which fully won the mt album grammy), 36 questions, they all give mt writers a platform and a way of immediately sharing their work with an audience in a new and exciting way (and a way that is clearly working for some artists). again, whether or not this leads to more high-quality musicals in these digital spaces is yet to be seen, but it's worth noting.

it's also a bummer that this new level of access is happening at a time when the government is growing increasingly more right-wing, when content consumption is so algorithm-driven and individualistic to the point of the extinction of the monoculture, when arts funding around the country is getting slashed... like, the platforms are there for a wide array of new voices in mt, but the money definitely isn't and it feels like the audiences aren't even a sure thing.

i also know that, anecdotally, musical theatre scholarship across the continent is in a great spot. more and more scholars (esp scholars of color, queer scholars, and young scholars) are receiving training from programs that genuinely value mt as a scholarly subject and are turning that training into their own scholarship. that's awesome!

wow that's a lot. honestly i have no idea! it's interesting to me that the tony for best musical has, more often than not over the last few years, gone to a "smaller" critically acclaimed show (kimberly akimbo, a strange loop, hadestown, the band's visit). that's neat. and then we're closing up a year that had not one but two big movie musical hits (wicked, obv, but also wonka, a 2023 holdover, that made serious bank in january).

yeah wow idk if any of that made sense. thanks for this!