#esp during the freaking semester

[monocaelia]

can u guys connect to my mind via bluetooth so u can envision the fics i'm thinking abt and i don't have to write it

[studentbyday]

how to survive a full course load in uni as a highly-sensitive person

wanted to try this kind of "advice" post / letter to past me as a premed student who also happens to be an HSP that sometimes struggles to regulate her emotions and is frequently overwhelmed by little things... this is a combo of things i'm glad i did in uni and what hindsight tells me i should've done... i hope that if any of this sounds relevant to you, whether you feel like you're an HSP or not, that you're able to take something useful away from it. and please feel free to reblog with your own tips/advice if you feel i missed something here! i'm just a sample size of 1.

part 1:

If you felt overwhelmed by your course load in high school, for the love of God, don't take the maximum (or “recommended”, which is the maximum at my uni) course load in your first year just to “graduate on time.” Take enough courses each semester that you feel the tingles of a challenge, but don't go overboard. You must feel the “tingles” so that you will be forced to find ways to adapt (i, at least, find it very diffcult to make myself get out of my comfort zone unless given no other option), but don't go to the extreme of taking on too much that you're silent screaming in panic more than you're getting things done. If you're not sure how many courses to enroll in, enroll in as many as you want, and if you find it too much, you can drop as many as you need to by the appropriate deadlines. Also, you may feel resistance to “lowering your standards” as you switch up your study methods to account for the much greater amount of material you need to cover, especially if you're an HSP who struggles with perfectionism, but just stick with it for a little while. You're so much more than a number or letter or percentage mark on an assignment or test, and you may find you're still able to consistently achieve all that you had wanted to in the academic realm. Perhaps you'll even find you're able to complete your work with greater calm and ease if you stick with it long enough. i say this as an hsp who still gets stressed by school but now has enough confidence to more easily calm myself down because i know i can still make it with imperfect study methods and because of that, i can do things with greater ease and apparently get on the dean's list not once but freakin’ twice during my degree?!?!?! i just got the email this week! and whaaaaaaa

If you followed tip #1, try slowly increasing the number of courses you take per semester. You're capable of more than you think. Life will throw you so many more curveballs and responsibilities as you get on, and the overwhelm may be demoralizing but you were meant to live. So, the earlier you train yourself to stop freaking out about each addition to your plate*, the easier it will be and the more confident in yourself you'll feel. In first year, I was overwhelmed with 3 courses per semester, and so in second year, I dropped to 2 and found it to be too little. In third year, I did 3 per semester and found it to be just right. Now, I'm doing 4 per semester and it's like first year all over again except I'm handling a fuller plate. And experimenting with taking 4 courses per semester and finding it's not the death sentence I thought it would be is giving me the confidence I need to take 5 courses per semester next year, my final year. ☺️ Ideally, I would've stuck with 3 in my second year and started on 4 in my third year, so I could even graduate sooner, but still, that's growth right there! And if some rando on the internet can do it, you can too! (* okay, you might not stop freaking out but you will be able to calm yourself down faster the more you practice, which is such a big ace for anyone, hsp or not!)

Please don't feel pressured to do all the social things immediately like joining all the clubs and societies and and high-energy social gatherings/parties. Please also don't feel guilty or blame yourself for not engaging in any or all of these, especially if you feel like you aren't living the “uni life” you want. You'll be here for what, 2, 3, or more years? That's a ton of time! Gradually add the extracurriculars as you feel ready (as in your academic life doesn't feel like a game of hot potato) and only as you feel so called to it that you're sure you're gonna regret it someday if you don't take the chance.

On a related note, don't feel like you have to do everything all at once. Some people take the maximum course load and somehow excel in a bunch of extracurricular activities at the same time while functioning on 5-7 hours of sleep. If that's not you, don't sweat it. Maybe you can adjust your schedule so that in one semester you focus more on academics and in the next, you focus more on the extracurriculars you need to feed your soul and boost your resumé.

SELF-CARE IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN (some) PEOPLE GIVE IT CREDIT FOR — DON'T YOU DARE DROP SELF-CARE IN FAVOR OF “PRODUCTIVITY.” (tbh i still struggle with this, BUT!) Ignore all the people who brag about how little sleep they got the night before the exam. Ignore all the people who brag about not having time to take care of their health in favor of completing another assignment or participating in some coveted extracurricular. Make an exercise plan for the kind of workout that rejuvenates you and follow through on it (except when too ill and tired...you'll know when you need to take a rest day, so listen to your body), whether it's yoga, dance, HIIT, slow pilates, weights, or whatever! And sleep a tonnnn. Sleep earlier than you feel you "should" (given that uni students seem to love to keep odd hours...and that habit may rub off on you as it did on me). Give yourself at least an hour to wind down from all the stimulants of the day (tbh sometimes i need 2 or more hours to finally feel relaxed enough after a long day)... don't subject yourself to the stimulant of your phone (if you happen to see this during your wind-down time, take this as your signal to GET THE FRICK OFF THE PHONE 😂). Take naps or just lie down and relax in bed as needed, especially if you feel you're fighting the flu or covid or whatnot. Take the time to have a nice, hot (or cold, depending on your personal preference 😅) shower or a simple, relaxing bath. Meditate when you need some quiet time, maybe try it in the dark if you feel you just really need to soothe your senses. Journal. Every. Day. At least for me, even if I feel my thoughts are mundane, somehow it helps keep me sane, especially when I have no one to talk to because everyone else around me is busy... (If even for one week I neglect basic self-care, I feel physically terrible which makes me feel mentally terrible and then I'm of no use to myself or anyone else! It isn't selfish or narcissistic and it definitely doesn't have to be expensive. Self-care really works wonders for stress levels and sustainable functioning, sometimes in really subtle ways.)

part 2: (did not know about tumblr's character limit for a single block. that's the only reason this second part exists otherwise it would all be in the same list lol)

When on the verge of panic-crying in defeat but you still need to push through or miss important deadlines, try studying to calming music/ambiences that are still stimulating enough to occupy the frazzled part of your brain that keeps you from functioning 😅 I suppose it's like a lullaby except for studying... 😅 One that worked for me last night was this one and a favorite since my high school days was this one. (What Elaine Aron said about water being really calming seems to be true for some reason and I have no idea why it works so well but it does so I'm rollin’ with it.)

Find small, low-effort creative outlets to release the restless energy that comes from creative needs neglected. Especially useful if you feel stuck in “left-brain” activities for most of the day and don't have much energy for your preferred creative outlets that ask more of you (also yes ik the whole left brain/right brain thing is a myth but idk how to concisely describe the bodily feeling bc it does feels like different parts of my brain are used for logical vs creative activities lol). I like to make wallpapers on Canva using the too many pics I download from the internet (istg I've probably changed my wallpaper at least once for every week since the start of term lol) and I guess I also make ugly comics when the mood strikes 😂

Take frequent, extended breaks from social media. This probably doesn't apply to only HSPs but I find that on the days I scroll a lot, create content for, or consume a lot of social media content in addition to all the things that go on in my real world, I get extra frazzled and tired. I think because of the depth of processing that comes with being HSP, we need to be extra mindful of where we put our energy and attention. Some of the mental health benefits I wasn't sure were true for me before I did a social media detox: at least for me, the peace and clarity of mind I get from it is unmatched! Imagine a world with less FOMO/toxic comparison, less guilt resulting from that, less of feeling like you're just very unaesthetic and dull irl, less guilt resulting from that, less time wasted, less guilt resulting from that. Less extraneous emotional clouding -> better judgment. Such a weight off just by hitting “sign out.”

Clean your workspace either before you study or after you study to have a clear mind. (Yeah, that's another a cliché but we HSPs tend to be more affected by our physical environments and we just gotta accept that and so keeping clean and, for me at least, minimalist, does wonders for my peace of mind 😊)

Don't be afraid to ask for help. You might feel like since you're a legal adult, you should be able to do everything by yourself all the time and not have to bother anyone. But the wise who have been legal adults for ages know that they can't do it all alone. So: do you need an extension on an assignment? Do you need help balancing your chores and schoolwork? Ask for help when you need it! It is not a sign of failure.

If you can, it might help to find yourself an inanimate study buddy 🧸 if you feel you need extra cozy/calming chemicals in your brain while you study 😅

Last but not least, if you have trouble regulating your emotions and fall into the pessimistic trap like I do sometimes, this may help:

If you would like a wallpaper version, here are two for different phone sizes lol:

[bubba4576]

The recap of several years in a row 🫣

June 2023

Right now I’m sitting in the backseat of a different car (I drove a minivan for 20 years and now have a smaller car a rav4, which is cute and fun to drive but I admit I miss a big car! Maybe this one will become a car for one of the kids one day…) listening to my grown daughters chatter about life and Taylor swift and in the heights and…life. It’s otherworldly and beautiful to be one adult among many instead of the adult (well one of two:). I realized that I haven’t written in so long not because I haven’t had things to write but because the speed of life has had me running and barely a chance to catch my breath.

I’m not going to do a good job recapping three years but I’ll try my best

2020 fall: Lindley went back to Purdue -thankfully to an apt- the dorms were not fun during covid. we went back to school at BCS with plexiglass, masks shield and terribly smelly hand sanitizer. I had to teach in the classrooms all year since they were tying to minimize the kids leaving their safe spaces and infecting others. There were too many cases and quarantined to count.

Mal had covid in late oct but didn’t suffer too much. Mostly a really bad headache. So james and I had to stay out of school for two weeks. I started getting really good at recording myself teaching and making viable music lessons from afar. James and I painted the big room in the basement (oh we also changed out the flooring in the sunroom during the spring 2020 lockdown).

At thanksgiving we didn’t know how to plan with the cleveland family and in the end it just felt too risky esp with the grandparents, so we rented a little cabin in southern Indiana and hike and explored caves- it was pretty fun. Sadly lindleys found out after she was already with us that she had covid. So she masked most of the weekend. Funny moment: when you open up what you think is a turkey and it’s HAM! Ham for thanksgiving….. no bueno!

Christmas was strange also - we did a drive thru in the 24th in Cleveland. JT had his party outside in the garage with heaters. We stopped by Grammy’s and nana and grandpa’s houses and unfortunately unknowingly infected them:( when we got home lindley started not feeling great and we found out she had covid again. We were so worried that the grandparents would freak out but no one had symptoms so they were fine. We loved it when lindley would come home for break and even though it was hard to see her go she loved Purdue and her friends. That year she lived in an apt with Cori, Lydia, and Alexis. Next door was Libby, Hailey, Mackenzie and….?? Those girls also went to Guatemala together the next summer and had a fabulous time!

I hardly remember the second semester in 21- things were still online-like ISSMA- Mal recorded her solo at Sweetwater, james was in 7th grade, playing soccer for United and playing the saxophone at school. Things eased up as the year went on at BCS thankfully. Public schools were a mess all year- they had students come every other day so that there weren’t as many ppl in the building at the same time and the students could stay 6 ft apart. It was a mess for families whose parents needed to work out of the home. As the students were virtual in their off days. Many people say that not much learning and much stress happened that year. The seniors who graduated and began college are who I feel the worst for. So challenging.

By the summer, things were beginning to feel more normal. We could always notice a difference between Ohio and Indians tho- Ohio was much stricter. More masks for longer- more stores closed down etc.

Black Lives Matter and the me too movement were huge at this time. The George Floyd murder at the hands of cops set into motion a wave of protest and outrage in the nation. It hope it all produced some change.

Mallory worked at Old Navy that summer (masked the whole time) and enjoyed it although never really wanted to go back. She was good friends with Maddie Lehman during this time.

Lindley went to Guatemala after meeting a boy at a wedding in May ❤️ that boy ended up being the one 💕and they are getting married in three weeks! We love Josh and are excited to welcome him into our family. She is home for several days and now and we are working on wedding details. I love having her home and am feeling nostalgic that the 5 of us won’t be a unit any more. There is nothing bad about it, it’s just change…. 😢

Both girls had their senior years at the same time - Lindley dating Josh and trying to figure out her life :) she lived with Tori and Olivia Coats in an apartment off campus and second semester went back and forth between Indy and Purdue as she had an internship at Riley hospital there. She really loved the hospital setting and hopes to be able to return after getting her masters one day. Josh came to Cleveland with us that Thanksgiving and got to meet the extended family.

Mallory had a rough beginning to her senior year as he friendship with Maddie broke up and she never really knew why or had an closure from that. So hard. She began a close friendship with Will Guthrie after getting close to him at Youth group and began dating him in November. The group went in a backpacking trip to northern Michigan (north manitou island) and she sadly got Lyme disease from a tick bite and it resulted in Bell’s palsy for about 6 weeks- one half of her face was paralyzed!! It was pretty crazy- she had to tape her eye shut at night because she couldn’t blink it and put eye drops in frequently to keep it moist. She was on medication and things did clear up although it is something she’ll need to mention to every doctor for the rest of her life probably. :( even with that she had a great soccer season, chapel leadership went great, and she thrives through it. Her college auditions were delayed bc of her Bell’s palsy, but by January she was ready. She applied to many schools but zeroed in in Wheaton and Belmont and decided to audition there. After receiving a very personal acceptance letter from Hope College she also decided to add that to her list, and that was the place she loved the most. We were all surprised but it has been a great place for her!

James just loved life as the little brother of a cool senior - playing soccer and getting taller by the day. He is still easy going and kind of quiet. Once Mal left for school we realized exactly HOW quiet and introverted he really is. I wonder if we have talked over him all of these years? Has he had something to say that we’ve ignored? Maybe we’re making up for lost time now. He doesn’t complain and also doesn’t like extra attention which might make him think deeply about emotions etc 😂 or maybe he’s just easy. Is that a thing? I think for james there is a part of him that is. He goes with the flow, doesn’t make waves, is mostly happy to do whatever is going on and can be convinced by his sisters esp to do just about anything:) it’s pretty great!

As a family we got into watching some shows together which have been fun- amazing race, Lego masters, survivor, marvel movies and series.

We went camping several times at pokagon, Mal and Kevin hiked the red river gorge, and youth group took Mal and separately james (and Kevin as a chaperone) up to manitou island to backpack. They all really loved it.

[shima-draws]

Hi hello I’m here with (half of) another ridiculously complex crossover AU here we go

Legally Blonde AU where Izuku is a semi-famous actor working part time in his father (Toshinori’s) studio while also going to college and majoring in Theatrical Production. His childhood friend and longtime boyfriend, Bakugou, has been dropping hints for the past few weeks about proposing to Izuku. Izuku, naturally, is absolutely thrilled, and has all the support of his friends and peers.

On the night of their big date, Bakugou breaks up with Izuku, saying that he's not "serious" enough for him, and that he only follows the path that was laid out for him and isn't ambitious enough to suit Bakugou's tastes in a lifelong partner. Bakugou tells Izuku he's going to UA, a famous law school that pumps out graduates that support professional heroes. Izuku is totally devastated, and shuts himself up in his room for weeks, becoming depressed.

After a pep talk from his friends, who are part of the production crew with him (Ashido, Hagakure, and Nejire), Izuku decides that he'll chase Bakugou to UA, and with Tsuyu's help, promptly starts studying for it. After making the cut, Izuku yells at Ashido for sending in a production video of him on set as his personal essay--because that shouldn't count!! Izuku hurriedly calls the admissions office and as they prepare to reject him, he gives an honest speech about love and how important it is for a lawyer to be compassionate and hardworking. He gets accepted!

On the first day of class Izuku bumps into a couple of already accomplished law students--Shinsou, who is extremely hardworking and ambitious despite his background, and Hatsume, a girl who's won tons of awards for her groundbreaking inventions and their contributions to hero society. With them is Todoroki, a recent graduate working as a teacher aid/intern under the infamous Aizawa, one of the most legendary lawyers in their era despite his tendency to only take certain cases for underground heroes. Izuku makes a stumbling, awkward yet somewhat eccentric introduction, and Todoroki is immediately smitten despite sensing that Izuku probably isn't cut out for UA.

Izuku bumps into Bakugou before their first class, and pretends that he forgot that Bakugou also attends UA. In their first class Aizawa ruthlessly weeds out the weaker students and intimidates the hell out of them by quizzing them with difficult cases. Aizawa tells them that he has a very big internship every year that accepts four students--and they're practically guaranteed a job after graduation. Izuku is called out for not having done the reading before class, and Yaoyorozu, an upper class, somewhat prissy girl, suggests that he be kicked out of the lecture hall.

Todoroki sneaks out during the lecture and comforts Izuku, saying that he'd been kicked out of class before too, and suggesting that Izuku study properly so he can be prepared next time. Yaoyorozu comes out next and Izuku confronts her about what she'd said, and she truthfully states that he has no place at UA if he's not willing to dedicate himself to it fully--that everyone else had gotten there through hard work and WANTED to be there, seeming to know that Izuku had made it in with different intentions. She idly wonders if Izuku's even capable of studying with that fluffy head of his (it's not meant to be an overly rude comment but Izuku takes it that way). Izuku's heart shatters when he realizes that Bakugou and Yaoyorozu are dating, because apparently they’d interned together before over the summer and Bakugou had been impressed by her intelligence and ambition. Izuku is encouraged by an imaginary production crew of his friends. Izuku decides if he's going to be serious he needs to start off by shaving his head LOL because according to Yaomomo it's the scruffy hair that's one of the big obstacles of winning Bakugou back.

Izuku swings by a salon and meets Uraraka--who immediately discourages him from getting a buzzcut, saying "Those fluffy locks of yours are a godsend and you should NOT sacrifice them to look like a military trainee. Trust me." Uraraka gives him a huge pep talk while also sharing her past failed romances, wishing she can find an athletic guy to be happy with, and encourages Izuku to go after love while he still has the chance, as himself. After that, Yaomomo happens to walk in with Jirou, and the two of them discuss a party they're going to at the end of the week. Izuku shyly asks if he can come. Jirou whispers to Yaomomo to tell him it's a costume party, which she does. Uraraka excitedly says she has the perfect thing for Izuku to wear.

At the party, everyone is dressed business casual. Izuku comes in wearing a slutty bunny outfit and is immediately humiliated. (Yaomomo feels kinda bad esp since she didn't really think he'd dress up--and definitely not like THIS.) Izuku steels his nerves and flirts with Bakugou, who is like "Why the hell didn't you wear this kinda shit while we were dating" and Izuku slyly says, "Well, you never asked, did you?" Bakugou reminisces a bit on their childhood and Izuku says they can go back to the way things were. Bakugou calls him out for saying so, especially given how he looks right now, and at this rate he'll be lucky to even make it through the semester, let alone get Aizawa's internship, which Izuku apparently wants to do despite not having any real conviction. Yaomomo steps in and Izuku snaps at her for the false costume party tip. Yaomomo suggests he leaves before he embarrasses himself further and brings shame to their class. Izuku says his costume was inspired by Usagiyama, a famous hero, and asks if she's an embarrassment too? The whole party gangs up on Yaomomo as Izuku leaves in tears.

Todoroki finds him on a bench outside wearing a very suggestive costume, freezing his ass off, miserable, and crying. Todoroki asks him why he came to UA in the first place--and Izuku reveals his full story with Bakugou. Todoroki lends Izuku his sweatshirt and says he can't feel sorry for him because he'd grown up in worse circumstances--his mother left his father when he was young, leading them to a life of near poverty, and that he's been struggling to support them both. His goal is to become a successful lawyer that can support honest heroes, and buy a house that his mother can live in comfortably. And, most importantly--win a case against his father to protect the both of them for good. Izuku thinks that's very sweet--but it kind of seems like Todoroki has a chip on his shoulder...and Todoroki says he does, and that he's going to take advantage of every opportunity he's given and work as hard as hell to become successful, and not just for himself. He's had to work two jobs on top of having class just to make it this far. Izuku asks how he does it--Todoroki tells him that he works nonstop and doesn't take the time to break, have parties, or spend hours distracting himself with films or theatrical productions. (Izuku feels a bit guilty at this LMAO) Izuku asks if Todoroki's willing to help him out--and Todoroki, strangely enough, agrees to do so.

Todoroki escorts Izuku back to his dorm, and notices that Izuku has barely touched his law books. Izuku admits it's been hard for him to really get into it, because coming from a theater/film background means that all of his studies are practical and on hand, and not from a book. Todoroki says he needs to get over that--and starts throwing out all of Izuku's posters and theater memorabilia. Izuku FREAKS LOL and Todoroki's like "You need to remove all distractions if you want to do this right".

I will write the rest tomorrow if enough of ya’ll wanna read the rest...LOL SORRY I’m so wiped out I gotta go to bed but anyway yes. Fun AU idea. I’m a slut for Tododeku crossovers apparently, ESPECIALLY this one because Elle and Emmett’s romance? Soft AND God Tier

[dog-teeth]

Hi! I love your comics but this is actually somehow art history related, but also imposter syndrome. I just took a massive test involving analysis of images, that I had no idea how to answer. I might have analyzed them and formed my own conclusions and connections instead of repeating someone else’s but I’m terrified I was just bs-ing the whole thing. Does this ever happen to you or do you have any advice?

hi king/queen im an art history major and i can confirm that a lot of the time writing about art history is complete bullshit, i had to write a bunch of various visual analyses at the end of this semester and a lot of it was vague bullshit tbh. honestly? dont worry about it! its fine to bullshit stuff i promise. as long as u cite your sources / back up the claims you make, its Fine dude ive written so many. so . many . fucking pages of art history analyses that i thought have been largely bullshit its Okay. just chill my friend, have some faith in yourself, dont let imposter syndrome get to u.

a big part of art history writing is being able to look at an image you dont know about and write something about it. if your claims are reasonable and justifiable, youre fine. if you wrote something, even if it felt like u didnt know what to say, its fine. it can feel like bs and sometimes it is but my guess is youre being overly self conscious and you actually did alright.

i often go thru this when im writing esp on tests cuz it really does feel like im writing absolute bs sometimes BUT ive learned to have faith in myself, and you should too! even if its bullshit thats fine it really is. also, im sure youve gotten grades back for your writing in the class you had this test for, so you can use that as a reference for your ability. its a safe assumption that your grade/ability isnt too far off from how youve done in the rest of the class. just trust yourself. what i love about art history is you Can bullshit your way through writing if you vaguely know what youre doing.

but yeah its like 2am so this is really ranty but the point is you should trust yourself, if you feel imposter syndrome look at the grades u got for past similar assignments to contextualize ur abilities, and in the art history field you really have to bullshit stuff sometimes as a student and thats just how it is.

i went thru this when i took my midterms, i thought i didnt know anything and i would do terribly and everything i wrote was complete bullshit, but turns out i did pretty well on them. and i just took my finals a week and a half ago and once again im really worried its all bullshit and i did terribly BUT im trying not to freak out and im rationalizing the probability that i did fine on them bc i can look at my past grades to tell me im good at the type of writing i had to do even tho i do Not trust past ezra and all the bullshit they probably wrote during finals.

since youve already taken the test id suggest not worrying abt it as much as possible bc theres nothing u can do now, though im anxiously awaiting my grades thatll come back at the end of the month........

i might edit and add to this tomorrow when im coherent so check again on this response later ok?

[gnohomaswitness]

Post-Highschool Adam: I stumble out of highschool thinking I'm gonna be an engineer. Everyone seems like they're off doing amazing things and I'm stuck in my small town where everything I used to love is gone and all that remains are syringes.

University Adam: I live in Toronto. RS tumblr is in full swing and I'm loving it and then I slowly watch it die. I begin to become more and more of a hermit as I become a complete slave to my crazy pills. I'm being driven insane by the workload. Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau win their elections. I drink a lot esp in the summer. I embarrassed my family during a dinner party and made the opioid addict at the table look good. At least my neighborhood was safe to pass out in. I wouldn't call myself a smoker but I smoked when I drank and I drank A LOT. Work fucking sucks being back in my home town during the summer but the weekend nights are awesome. You can go to a bar with a friend then run into a random person you knew from highschool (or even earlier) who's just as smashed as you are and have a cigar with them at the harbor.

College Adam: Donald Trump is president of the United States and Trudeau is prime minister. I live in a trailer park boys neighborhood. Everyone is a redneck and I'm basically high or drunk all the time. I start writing. Really into Billy Joel. Endless school with nothing to show for it is driving me nuts but theres a strange attraction to how empty my life is. The college goes on strike and I'm left with more free time than I've ever had before. You know when you're a kid in the summer and you don't even know what day of the week it is? Think that but add liquor and pot. I'm traveling all over the province and can do anything and get drunk anywhere. Nothing matters and it's the weirdest feeling. The only thing that stops me from doing EVERYTHING is the fact that I don't have any income except my savings from the summer. Trudeau finally legalized weed. At the end I'm looking for a job. My course coordinator has a ton of contacts and has sent out resumes to everyone he knows and I'm traveling around the province going to Toronto and the surrounding cities nearly every day getting phone calls from companies. It's a lot of fun being at a chatime with an RS friend and I get called by a company in the city asking for an interview. Summers are absolutely miserable throughout this whole period so I take the security+ exam and study in secret at my work. My summer job had nothing to do with computer security and it drove me insane. I also write fanfiction on the computer at work shhh. Also I'm pretty sure I'm a drunk at this point at least in the summers nvm I was drunk a lot during the semester too. I'm closer to home now and I don't really smoke anymore. Absolutely everyone I ever knew is gone now and there's nobody left. My hometown becomes synonymous with loneliness and the spinning of my wheels. I'm so lonely.

Cambridge Adam: I got a job as an analyst and I'm freaking out this is so difficult. I have more money than ever cuz rent is so cheap but this town is so scuffed I feel like I live in poverty. Also religion is fucking scary here. I slowly begin to grasp the fact that I'm no longer a student and it feels fucking great. I also realize that I need to start my adult life. It's weird how now that I have money I'm less inclined to uproot my life and do something completely different or immigrate somewhere like I was itching to do while I was in school.

Waterloo Adam: I don't have as much money cuz rent is more expensive. It's difficult trying to prove myself as a functioning adult without pushing my family away. All homesickness died in Cambridge so it's a strange feeling. I feel like I have to make an effort with my family in a way I didn't have to before. My old home in my old town doesn't feel like home anymore. Also I wanted to take closer a picture of this tree but there was a fence and I didn't wanna get shot.

To anyone who has left their home town. What does home feel like to you? Do you have any sentimentality for your old town or for a particular neighborhood if you moved around?

[jichew]

college!hyunsuk au♡part one

a/n: hello!!! this is my first fic on here so please go easy on me bc it’s kind of slow and long :,) I rushed it a bit bc i wanted to get it up before the last episode airs :/// also feel free to leave requests or just drop in to talk! i would love more ygtb mutuals! (also i was going to make this a full on lovers au but it got too long so i just left it like this, but if i get enough requests, i will be more than willing to make a part 2!)

so you’re a freshman at college(✿◠‿◠)

while you’re absolutely in love with what college has to offer,,,,you’re dreading the start of classes

esp when it’s your first semester and you have no idea how to navigate the campus

and that, my friends, is how you realize it will take 15 minutes to get to a 9 AM that starts in 10 minutes (a/n this is a true story lol)

and while you could easily just skip this class and call it a day, you are A GOOD STUDENT ＼＼\\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

so you double knot your shoelaces and run across that mf campus

thankfully, you make it right as the clock hits 9... though you didn’t realize that this was a 300 student general chem lecture

it really b like that sometimes y/n ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

so you’re left to slide into one of the rows at the very back of the hall, which is thankfully empty

...

save for the mop of blonde hair that is passed out in the seat next to you

of course, you don’t have the time to pay attention to the boy beside you because you’re prof has already started lecturing

before you know it, class is over

surprisingly enough, at 9:50 on the dot, the boy shoots his head up, ruffles his hair, grabs his backpack and briskly exits the lecture hall room, sparing you a brief nod

if you weren’t stressed enough that you have 20 minutes to grab breakfast and run back across campus for class, maybe you would have taken time to notice how cute the boy was - but you have a class to get to

so fast fwd two days,,, you’re basically a pro at this whole college thing

or so you thought

you find your self double knotting your shoelaces again and running across campus to reach your 9 AM chem lecture again

at this point,,,you’ve accepted your fate and you dejectedly slide next to the passed out boy in the back row

so now that this is your second class, you’re prof is actually lecturing (and blondie beside u is still asleep)

after a grueling hour of basic chem review,   you have about three pages of notes

and it isn’t until 5 minutes before you’re dismissed that blondie finally takes the time to wake up

you resist the urge to giggle seeing his slightly frazzled state - hair puffed out, half lidded eyes and pouty lips (✿´ ꒳ ` )

and maybe you would have,,,if he didn’t hurriedly look over at you and ask if he could borrow your notes

and as much as you despise people who don’t pay attention in class and ask for other peoples’ notes ,,,,, who are you to resist those puppy dog eyes                    

。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・。

so,,,, you reluctantly hand him over the notes

but not without giving him a piece of your mind ＼＼\\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

“don’t forget to bring them back next class,,,and maybe a coffee too so you can stay awake”( ◠‿◠ )

y/n, you really are too nice

so it’s finally friday,,,,but you have that cursed 9 am yet again

and while you’re able to make it early this time around, you willingly sit in the back row

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

and much to your surprise,,, in comes blondie, fully awake, an iced coffee in each hand

he moves into his seat beside you, setting down one of the coffees on your desk

“i don’t really know what girls like, so i just decided to get you the same thing as me! as a thank you for letting me borrow your notes”

speaking of notes, he quickly sets down his coffee and his backpack and takes out your notes, setting those on your desk as well

and this whole time, you’re just like,,,,,,,,, (●´ω｀●)

and he’s staring at u with this goofy smile on his face like,,,,(๑･̑◡･̑๑)

if it were socially acceptable, you would have squished his little cheeks right then and there

but all you can manage to get out is a small smile, mumbling an “anytime” under your breath

and as much as you enjoy the company of another person in this large lecture hall,,,blondie talks a lot

but also you can’t bring yourself to mind bc he’s not all that bad at chem (and he looks cute when he talks with his lips all pouty but don’t tell him you said that(๑>◡<๑))

so it’s been about a month at college and you’re actually getting the hang of things this time

also,,,blondie has officially stopped falling asleep in class

surprisingly, you both have become quite the pair ٩( ᐛ )و

you learned that his name is hyunsuk, he’s a sophomore, and he’s part of a dance team (hence why he can’t help but fall asleep during chem lecture)

while you guys don’t interact outside of class, it’s nice to have someone to make small talk with in the morning

and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to boop his cute nose on several occasions (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

so while studies are great and all,,,,it’s been a month and you have done next to nothing besides stressing over classes and sleeping

so, your friends (yes y/n, you do have friends) decided to have a little gno to celebrate surviving a month of college

shimmying into a pair of black jeans, a cute top, jean jacket and some heels, you’re ready to TAKE ON THE TOWN

and like not to brag but u look hot

you really know how to strut your stuff y/n

so when ur friends were like gno!!!! you expected something cute like going to get dinner in the city or something

you did NOT expect to find yourself in a frat party

like,,,,,you’ve never been to one of those cheap high school parties much less a college frat party

so like,you’re kind of freaking out inside bc tight areas filled with sweaty bodies and the stench of alcohol are NOT your thing

(　˙-˙　)

your friend mina is like,,,

“come on y/n, it’s part of the college experience!!!”

but you’re like,,,

“the only experience i need is sleeping past my alarm” ＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

nonetheless, mina resorts to dragging you into the house

so somehow, you guys make it to the kitchen

and while you’re still against the idea of being here, at least it’s slightly more breathable in the kitchen

while u can finally breathe, you also realize mina is GONE

u quickly scan the kitchen and thankfully find her ,,,,, w some tall dinosaur looking dude??

she motions you over so you slide through some bodies to make your way over to the pair

“y/n!!! this is my friend byounggon! he owns this place!”

“hey, you can call me gon!”

the dude does a little nod and smiles at you ,,, and then u notice how close him and mina are actually standing next to each other

her hand on his arm...the little smile he gives her...

and you’re like

“OH ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

“you know,,,i’ll leave you guys to hang out for a bit while i go explore the place”

but not so fast,,,you have friends who care about your safety :,)

gon is all like

“no wait! mina told me this was your first party so i’ll have one of my frat brothers watch over you”

he turns his head back calling out a name that’s unintelligible over the sound of the music playing throughout the house

“y/n! this is my friend -“

“HYUNSUK???”

“Y/N!!!”

obviously you’re a bit startled to see the blonde boy in a setting that’s not the chem lecture hall

and maybe you’re even more startled by how good he looks - silk shirt, silver jewelry littering his ears and hair styled

and maybe he thinks the same with the way his eyes briefly glaze over your full body

but ,,,, mina and gon:??????

“you guys know each other?”

you’re the first to snap out of your reverie, hyunsuk’s eyes still glued to you

“uhh yeah we sit next to each other in chem lecture”

gon: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“ahhh...so you’re THAT y/n”

“THAT y/n”

“yeah, it means -“

“NOTHING”

(hyunsuk’s quick to interrupt when he’s about to get exposed (¬_¬))

“he means nothing lol”

anyway,,,gon’s like “yeah so we’ll leave you guys to it”

and you’re just looking back in dejection bc ur friends left u :,(((

when you turn back around hyunsuk has a bit of an apologetic look on his face

“first party?” he cocks his head to the side , puppy dog eyes waiting for an answer

“yeah,,,, i never really took you for the frat boy type”

hyunsuk does a little boyish smirk before saying

“there’s a lot things you don’t know about me babe”

and then he’s lightly grabbing your wrist and taking you to god knows where

the next thing you know, you guys are out on a balcony

and you’re like

\( ˆoˆ )/ fresh air!!!!

hyunsuk: (*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)

so you’re just like

staring at the sky

and u feel a little gaze boring into the side of your head

so you look over to see hyunsuk staring at you with his head cocked to the side

and he has this little smile on his lips

and you have no clue why he’s smiling but it makes your tummy do ~that thing~

but ALSO ,,, you’re trying to play it cool

so you cock your head back at him

and he stares at you for a little longer

and GIGGLES

THIS BOY HAS THE AUDACITY TO GIGGLE AT YOU

DOESNT HE KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A GIRL’S HEART

hshsbahaheiskeksoal

“why are you giggling??”

he does a little shrug and looks over at you

“you’re cute”

(((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))♡

lmao he really just had to take all your uwus

the moment kind of ends when you get a text from mina saying she went home w gon,,,

you both know what that means( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

but also now you don’t have a ride back to your dorm

i mean you probably guessed what’s going to happen now

gentleman suk decides to walk you back to your dorm

despite it being chilly, it’s still a nice walk

you both walk in a comfortable silence,, heads turned to avoid the other seeing the  little smile on each’s face

and you don’t say anything when you feel the tips of hyunsuk’s warm fingers entangling into your own

and he doesn’t say anything when you bid him goodnight with a kiss on the cheek

and you know that you have more than friendly feelings for the sleepy blondie in your chem class

[sparkles-and-trash]

SKAM! South Park AU

trash note: oh my god I spent waaay too much time on this jesus christ, but I’m not even sorry for this lol, but a while back I got an anon asking about how I thought SP would be like in SKAM format, and I rambled a bit about it but since then I’ve been binging both SKAM and SP and I’ve been thinking about his a lot, like a lot a lot, so I needed to get it out of my system hah

Season 1: Stan

Parallels:

Stan - Eva Wendy - Jonas Kenny - Noora (sort of)

The season starts with showing bits and pieces of Stan and Wendy during their junior year in high school. they’ve been dating since they were kids and everyone thinks they’re the perfect couple. Stan also has the perfect friend group in Kyle, Kenny, Butters and Cartman, and even tho his father is a bit of a drunk idiot, his parents still care about him, and his life is generally pretty good.

The season progresses and we start seeing pretty soon tho that things aren’t as perfect as they seem, mainly Stan’s relationship with Wendy and his self image. It’s also clear that Stan is a little too much like his father when it comes to drinking. Wendy is driven and confident, while Stan is unsure of just about everything in his life, from his relationship to his sexuality to his hopes and dreams, to who he really is and want to be.

Soon, Stan thinks Wendy is having an affair with his best friend, Kyle, who is much more like Wendy than he is, they’re on the debate team together, as well as a bunch of AP classes and they’re in respective sports team, Wendy is on the girls volleyball team and Kyle is amazing at basket. They’ve been friendly for a while, but as Stan starts to draw back from both of them due to his issues, they start worrying and therefor talking and hanging out more. 

Season climaxes at a party where Stan gets drunk and cheats on Wendy with a random girl, but starts crying right after, and Kenny, who’s been a constant calm and supporting, but a little taken for granted, presence for Stan up until now, finds him, and talks him trough a bunch of the stuff he’s been going trough. Stan, confused as ever, tries to kiss Kenny, who just calmly smiles, tells him that now is not the time, and that Stan needs to have a serious talk with Wendy. 

Season ends nearing Christmas, with drama following the party as someone saw Stan kissing Kenny, and rumors of Stan being gay starts flowing, and Stan with a lot of help from Kenny and Kyle, comes to terms with the fact that he is bisexual. 

Wendy is of course hurt and sad, but she tries to talk to him and be supportive, which takes Stan by total surprise. They end up having a big talk and breaking up, mutually agreeing and both still sad, but Stan needs to take time to be on his own and be with his friend and explore his sexuality, and he and Wendy seriously wants to stay friends. 

Season 2: Kenny

Parallels:

Kenny - Noora (kinda) The themes, but only slightly so not that much really

Season starts at school, a couple of months into the spring semester of the kids junior year, and it’s just normal banter and talk with the boys, but things kinda focuses on Kenny, and we kinda see how he’s more of a observer and commentator in the group. 

Kenny is, from last season, known as the guy in his group that always seems to have the answer, he’s calm and confident, but not cocky, seemingly knows everyone, but nobody really seems to know him that well, except his closest friends. We see that he works at Tweeks parents coffee shop, and even tho he clearly likes the job, Tweek comments that Kenny’s working almost every day and asks about how he has time for school etc, Kenny jokes it off tho. 

Pretty soon in the season a party happens, and we see how Kenny is the one in the group that gets hit on most, by both girls and boys, but never really shows any interest in doing anything about that, to Kyle and Cartmans big dismay, as they call him out on it, trying to get him to explain why the hell he won’t take advantage of the situation, to which Kenny usually just laughs off or makes a witty comment about the two others being virgins. 

The next day we see Kenny at home, and learn that his homelife is pretty complicated. His parents are both in jail, and his quiet older brother, Kevin, is the one taking care of the family financially and officially, by working two jobs and being Kenny and their younger sister, Karens, legal guardians, and Kenny is basically raising Karen, by himself. We also see his room, covered in polariods from the old camera he always carries around, pictures of friends, stranger and landscape, giving us an idea he’s good at observing and capturing peoples essence quickly. 

During a Friday, in which the other boys are at a party trying to get laid as usual, Kenny is home alone with Karen, watching a movie and just chilling, to which the boys keeps texting him and telling him he sucks for being lame etc. Karen herself confronts Kenny about why he’s staying in with her instead of going out with his friends, and he honestly says he likes hanging with her, and that he doesn’t have time to party and date and stuff like the others because he have more responsibility than them, but hurries to assure her it’s all good with jokes etc, like always. 

Season nears the climax when Karen takes it on herself to talk with Kennys friends about how he’s been working so much and how much stress he’s been under, and the boys are kinda shocked to find out how bad things are for Kenny at home, because he’s always so good at hiding stuff and pretending he’s happy when he’s around them. 

Kyle and Stan, worried and with good intentions, decides to tell their parents, and their parents immediately starts worrying, esp the moms, and when Stan and Kyle tries to talk to Kenny and offer help, he gets very upset and feels likes he’s been betrayed with his friends talking about his issues behind his back, and when they mention that their mothers want to help he totally freaks out.  

After some days with isolation and stress, Butters finally manages to talk to Kenny, with help from Karen letting him into Kennys room, and they end up having a pretty long and serious talk, and Kenny admits that about a year ago the Child Services was involved and almost split the three up, but Kevin managed to convince them to let them stay together, but that they’re still under the radar, and that’s why he’s so stressed about people finding out, he’s super worried about anyone talking to CS and Karen being taken away. Butters manages to get Kenny to talk to the others, and with a lot of awkward apologizing and bro punches to the shoulders, things starts to go back to normal. 

Season ends with Stan and Kyles mothers promising to be there if Kenny needs help with Karen when he and Kevin works and the boys helps out in every way they can, and even tho he still finds it hard, Kenny is starting to learn how to accept help, and opening up more to his friends. 

Season 3: Bebe

parallels:

Bebe / Isak Red / Even Wendy / Jonas

So this is obv the season with most parallels to the original Norwegian season, but I’m still gonna change a bunch so buckle up gals and pals 

Season starts at a big party at Stans house, where we see the two boy gangs smoking week and laughing, others from the school in various states of drukeness, before we see Bebe, a tall, beautiful blonde, being chatted up by a tall, dark and handsome guy in a varsity jacket, while we see Clyde Donovan glaring jealously in the background. 

Bebe is Wendy’s best friend and up until now we have mainly seen her as a fierce supporter of Wendy all trough the whole deal with Stan, which was pretty hard on Wendy, of course. Bebe is known for being beautiful and popular, esp with the boys, and she hooks up with different guys a lot, but isn’t slutshamed because that’s stupid and nobody should do that anymore okay great 

When the Wendy and Bebe arrives at school the following Monday, they’re talking about how Bebe is struggling with the fact that her other best friend, the school’s baseball and lacrosse star, and the most popular guy in school, Clyde, who we’ve seen a little of in the earlier seasons, is hopelessly in love with her, while Bebe does not feel the same way. In the middle of her rant to Wendy, she drifts off when she sees a new girl walking through the hallway and Bebe stares at her in famous SKAM slo-mo action. 

The girl is pretty, and remarkable and from the second Bebe lays eyes on her she knows she’s fucked. The girl have long, thick, dark red hair, wears a short, but classy red dress and have classic, red lips, and to Bebe she’s just... perfection. Wendy manages to break Bebe out of her trance, and tells her she needs to go to a debate club meeting.  

Bebe hurries to see if she can spot the girl again, but she seems to be gone, and instead Bebe is approached by a lanky boy with messy, blonde hair and clear green eyes, grinning like a madman and twitching slightly. When Bebe asks Tweek what the hell he’s grinning about, he hints that he saw he drooling at the new girl, who he reveals is his boyfriend, Craig Tucker’s, cousin. They knew her as kids, but she moved away around sixth grade, but she just moved back. Bebe just states that she’s not gay, and walks away. 

As the season progresses, Bebe gets to know the girl, Red, trough Craig, and they start hanging out a bit in private, usually sneaking away at parties to hook up, but they also start hanging out more in private, really getting to know each other, and after a while Bebe realizes she’s having real feelings for this girl, and while Bebe is trying to deal with all of this, Clyde walks in on her and Red hooking up during a party.

Heartbroken, Clyde outs Bebe and Red to the whole party, and Bebe flees the party. Soon the whole school seems to know, and Bebe is left to deal with her parents, her friends and the rest of the school, reacting to the news. She soon learns that the people she was most worried about, like her parents and Wendy, are very accepting and sweet, while the ones who’s being problematic isn’t homophobic in the way she expected, but are all treating her like some mix of porn star and caged animal, and she really, really hates it. 

Bebe, frustrated and angry, cuts of Red and tries to put her life back together, starting with a big talk with Stan, who got outed in a way himself a year back, and then she has a long conversation with Tweek and Craig, at first about peoples expectations to you when you come out and the horrible feeling of being a show to people in town because of it. Then they talk about Clyde, and while both the boys and Bebe are still really upset with him, bebe admis to missing her bff. She decides to talk to him, and he agrees to meet up and talk.

When they meet up it’s pretty tense, sad and awkward, and while Clyde apologizes right away, trough tears, Bebe still struggles pretty hard to forgive him. After a lot of talking they get to an okay point, but Bebe tells him they still have a way to go. Then she sighs and says she really misses Red, who she cut off after everything got out, and Clyde stats putting a plan in motion to getting the girls to talk. 

The season ends with Clyde’s elaborate plan, involving everyone from Kenny, Stan, Kyle, Butters and Cartman, to Wendy and Tweek and Craig, and it does not according to plan, at all, and Red is kinda reluctant to forgive Bebe right away, but when Clyde starts crying hysterically and apologizing wildly, she agrees that the shit that happened was indeed Clyde’s fault, and that Bebe’s reaction was fair considering the situation. 

Cue happy ending kiss and all the gay feels. 

Season 4: ???

coming soon hopefully I just can’t really figure this one out 100% or 50% or 20% because there’s a thousand people I wanna make it about and jfhsdghfgdfshgf

[musubiki]

Hc about conflictedshipping visiting another region? Sinnoh maybe???? Love your work ❤️!!!

hoOOOOOOO BOI LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR TRIP TO KALOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

➞

im making it MANDATORY THAT THEY TOOK A SEMESTER ABROAD IN KALOS DURING THEIR TRAINERS SCHOOL TIME

(also this is where that one line of diaglouge in xy comes from. that one chick who tells you that green was there studying and only ever said smell ya later)

i was thinkin about giving them pokemon for this trip but. i think its better if their first pokemon come from prof oak later.

(gd i wish pom and vee were here for this that wouldve been amazing)

when they first got there leaf was worried that he was irritated he had to spend the whole semester with her there. he kinda scoffed and smirked at her and said something like “Are you kidding? I’d be angrier if you DIDN’T get the scholarship.” cuz they’re rivals. and he expects no less from her. he tells her something like its bad for his image if his rival isnt as good as him. he’s actually kinda happy that she’s there with him and he’s not gonna be all alone. 

this actually makes leaf really happy and kind of. sets the mood for the whole trip there

so they end up staying with this older couple who live in the heart of lumiose city and usually house the students every year. ofc they’re thrilled tho have leaf and green there. the wife owns a bakery/cafe and the husband works at the docks down in coumarine city. as a condition of them staying there, leaf helps with the bakery and green helps at the docks

when they first go there. they find out that. the kalos school doesnt require uniforms and theyre both kind of “???? so you just wear whatever??” greens perf fine with this but leafs kind worried bc she didnt bring THAT much clothes, so the couple takes both her and green shopping for kalos-style clothes. this is where leaf gets this outfit from and she LOVES IT shes adorable i love her so much

when green first sees her in it hes a little surprised because WOW what. “shes actually. kind of ok looking.” hes blushing shut up you idiot 

so they get to their new school and everyone intrigued by them oooo new transfer students whaaaat??? green right off the bat is all confident and doing his usual thing. winks at like 3 girls and they’re all fawning over him first thing.

but the school is very welcoming to them!! they get a lot of transfer student from all over the place so they have a lot of different people from different places!!

they actually have a pretty good time. a lot of the kids from school drop by the bakery just to. see leaf. same with the girls for green and business is good. amen. the couple is actually shook because they have so many profits

on weekends they get to go see kalos!!! its pretty.,. nice actually like esp traveling to like cyllage and laverre and anistar(leaf loves anistar city) 

and green is actually really enjoying theyre time there. it kind of feels like.,. dates.,. kind of.,. and he never voices it and STILL ACTS LIKE A JERK BUt.,. spending time with her here in kalos is actually kinda cool,,. we should do this more often, he thinks

they go to all the little cafes and explore that big mansion with the gardens, they actually get to go rollar skating around a couple times and ride gogoats like they live kalos life to the fullest

sometimes when they study at night he goes to her room and just chills with her on her bed (she has a huge bed and it’s really comfortable compared to his). they take turns reading the material out loud and leaf. really likes it when he reads she just lays there and stares at him and he. has a great voice shes dying a little here guys //

leaf always felt a little bit homesick. once when they were chilling in her bed she asked green if he missed home. he kinda sat there for a bit before answering with a “no, not really. it’s actually kind of nice to get away from everyone. there no real pressure to be anyone or do anything.” 

she wasnt exaclty sure what he meant but lowkey. he was actually talking. about her and him. because in kanto they’ve been rivals for so long it’d be weird to hang out with her and go see places like they do there. but no one in kalos really know them so hes just.,. ehuhhhhhh i dont wanna go home

okay ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENED IN KALOS WAS THIS: at some point, one of the students at their school fell desperately in love with leaf and she. didn’t even like him at all. like he was just some persistent rich creep so yes. im doing this. no one can stop me. to get him to give up she asked green to pretend to be her boyfriend for like. a day or two just so he’d leave her alone. 

OFC GREENS LIKE SMIRKING THE WHOLE TIME SHES ASKING HIM THIS AND SHES BLUSHING AND EMBARRASSED BUT SHES TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE. 

greens actually a little irritated by this and is kinda ehh at first because. he doesnt wanna fool around and then actually catch feelings by accident (he doesn’t want to temp god like this hes already enjoying their time together) 

but shes. desperate and so after a few more pleads he.,. agrees and she kind of feels bad. so she apologizes for dragging him into this and then. she asks him “Can…can you handle it?” she didn’t mean it as an insult or anything she MEANT ARE YOU COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO DO IT

but what HE HEARD was a CHALLENGE so he just. stops. and turns to her. and he grabs her by her waist and pulls her REAL close to him and leans in and just “Can you?” with the widest smirk and like. the sexiest voice. and she just becomes this blushing terrible mess and shes stammering over all her words and he just fokijnff laughs because god. this is gonna be fun. 

fhjkf this is horrible okay so. the next day at school ofc hes true to his word so here we go. they pretend like theyre going out. and its the biggest scoop of the whole place. girls are crying, teachers are shocked. in the distance, sirens.

green is a pro at this bc he teases her enough as is, now he just needs to take it a little further and he’s actually enjoying the reactions he’s getting from her. like he can fuckin gently grab her hand and she turns into a mess like why did i ask him to do this i am an idiot

when they get home that night green is just laughing his ass off because she., is terrible at this and he cant believe it. she makes up some excuse and after some banter and making fun of her, green tells her that if she really wants this to look convincing, she gotta get better control over it. hes smirking the whole time. so she gets even more flustered and asks if he has any great ideas, to which he replies yes.

lets practice, he says. and she if confused and honestly a little scared. she asks how and he actually. sighs and sits down in front of her and for once, is actually smiling instead of smirking. so he adds a “Don’t freak out.” before,. gently taking her hands in his. 

shes trembling and takes a deep breath before lacing her fingers with his and this. actually turns into a nice kind of moment. the whole time hes watching her eyes. and he can see shes still nervous so he tells her. “How about we pretend like… we’re actually together for a while.” 

and shes blushing like hell because oh my god shes liked him for so long and this is so nice with him but it actually hurts a little that its not real

so he,. slips his hands around her waist and pulls close and presses her against him and slowly nuzzles his nose in her hair 

and hes. actually kind of enjoying this. 

and this feeling boils in the pit of his stomach as his lungs fill with the scent of her hair and it sends shivers over his skin and he feels his hands tracing over the small of her back and the warmth of her body on his and through the foggy blurry haziness in his head the only thought that comes out is ‘Oh no.’

and then BAM one of their caretakers slams the door open with a “Hey kids, dinner is ready!” and green IMMEDATLY grabs her arms and pushes her away and his face his red. She responds with a shocked quiet “Oh, I hope I wasn’t inturrupting-” 

and they BOTH CUT HER OFF STAMMERING AND STUTTERING WITH “No it wasn’t what it looks like-!” “We were just- uh- practicing-!” “FOR THE SCHOOL DRAMA COMING UP-” “YEAH-” and shes just. giggling and a little surprised with an “Oh! Could’ve fooled me!” before she leaves. 

and green and leaf are just standing there in awkward silence and leaf is rubbing her arm while green is rubbing the back of his neck and she leaves with a brisk “I-I think we should go get dinner-” before they both go downstairs

the next day it turns out that rich creep was too heartbroken from seeing her with green the day before that he transfered schools entirely, so oh, I guess we don’t need to keep up the act anymore, and green answers with a yeah, cool, and ignores the small feelings of disapointment and covers it up by going back to his usual snarky self 

he forces himself not to think about this for a long time because he doesnt wanna get caught up in the feels. Leaf, however, thinks about it all the time because it was really nice, but green doesnt bring it up and they were just pretending anyway hes just used to being a flirt it wasnt a big deal for him

(it was)

that was the first time theyd ever been that close and also. the last time until saffron

they have a lot of adventures here that i cant. fit it all here but they had a really good time

[softsadgay]

***woah here comes what is essentially an essay about my body image issues/disordered eating and it’s kind of... rough so just heads up***

(for the sake of my own clarity of both writing reading this (esp since i don’t expect anyone else to), i’m doing a combo of stream of consciousness and formal writing.) 

I’ve gained a lot of weight in the past 2/3 of a year. Not anything too wild and I haven’t weighed myself in so long that I’m not even sure the exact number, but enough the point that I have had to buy a lot of new clothes because some of the stuff from a year ago no longer fits me/looks really unflattering in way it didn’t used to. 

I started junior year by moving into a new apartment, and I no longer had access to a gym or running track (my family has horrible knees, so i’m terrified of running on pavement). Cardio has been a BIG part of my weight and mental health management for the last four years. From mid-2014 to mid-2017 I was running an average of four days a week, often closer to five or six, with a view periods of exercising for at least two and a half hours daily and only exercising two or three times a week. A range, but always a consistent presence.

There were a lot of reasons why I made running a big part of my life, and it had good and bad consequences. Was I over-exercising for many periods of my life in order to lose weight? Absolutely. Did I lose an obscene amount of weight because of it? Not exactly. 

Most of my weight-loss occurred when I made a major change to my diet during my last semester of high school. I went vegan and ate moderate size meals at consistent times of day. It started changing my body instantly. It was rapid and was exacerbated by my hyperthyroidism. I was motivated to make that change to lose weight after I was cast as Jesus in Godspell and knew I’d be on-stage in my underwear for my entire first number.

As time went on, I wanted to lose more weight. Always convinced I was “still too fat.” This mystified a lot of people, so I quickly started phrasing it as “being healthy,” which people will accept as a reason to work out excessively while eating far less than an active person should to support their body.

However, exercise also had some amazing effects on my mental health (though obviously not in the body image and eating department). I went off medication about a year before I started exercising. My mood swings were constant and dangerous. I would be entirely bed-ridden for days. Other days I would be at 142% and bouncing off the walls. I had multiple episodes were my depression made me aggressive. It felt like being possessed. My mom remembers that period of my existence as being an entirely separate person from who I was before and after that year.

When I was exercising, I was being consistent enough for it be creating the chemical equivalent of a strong anti-depressant. Obviously I was still dealing with mood swings and really horrifying thought habits, but I was generally a lot more stable and happy. Working out was compensating for my brain.

I’d used food and over-eating to cope with my emotions and mental illness for many years leading up to this period. I never saw it that way, but in hindsight, it was absolutely an issue. It vanished temporarily when I changed my lifestyle. 

And then it came back. At first, only occasionally, with immediate horror afterwords. Triggers were varied, but often came from days were I had either particularly high emotion (feeling impervious to food) or incredibly low emotion or stress (a need for something comforting). It increased in frequency over the next two years, but was still fairly “controlled.” It was the minority. The rest of what I was doing in diet and exercise more than compensated for it. No one could tell it was happening, and the few people who had the details to put two and two together didn’t.

Over this period I would occasionally gaining a bit of weight, rarely noticeable to anyone but I was losing weight when I wasn’t gaining it. (I actually have a major anxiety around that. It’s been so long since I felt like I was doing anything other than gaining or losing weight. I never know how to stabilize and maintain.) And while my mental health wasn’t perfect by any means, I was overall doing okay. Some hopelessness, but I was moving along in life.

Then this year happened.

I wasn’t able to easily work out the way I’d been. I decided this would okay. I would eat a bit less than when I’d been active. I’d still do some in-home muscle routine things to keep myself a little active, and I’d rely on dance class to be the more rigorous activity. And for a period, this kind of worked. This period also had complications. There were two boys who I placed a lot of undue meaning on to validate me, neither of which were ready to validate themselves, much less another scared person. I also made a very dumb decision and got cast in my college’s production of Spring Awakening, which was incredibly triggering and stressful.

Suddenly my mental health was failing. I’d started drinking, never able to do so without having at least five or seven drinks, but averaging on ten. I was having mood swings again, though thankfully rarely as extreme as they were in high school. I was losing interest in things I cared about. I was regularly considering self-harm and suicide.

In my theory, my brain was freaking out. The things that truly used to help it function better, like exercise and routine, were gone. The things that I added to my life, like alcohol and boys and sex, were not giving it the consistent lift it needed. And my brain was searching for anything to get the endorphins it wasn’t getting. That’s when my diet changed again.

I decided I didn’t care about being vegan anymore, which is a valid decision on its own, but it was for the wrong reasons. I needed something to self-medicate with. Binging “healthy vegan” food was not satisfying enough. My brain needed more. So I stopped being vegan.

I was eating like someone who was going to die the next day. It was the kind of eating that got addicting quickly, especially since I have a disposition to addiction. It also didn’t do the job my brain indulged in it for. It gave an extremely brief feeling of freedom, before immediately switching to self-hatred and depression.

But my brain still needed something. For brief periods where I’d allow myself to drink again, alcohol would take over as the solution, but alcohol was a lot more intrusive and harder to hide, so food reigned as #1. And that’s how things were for several horrible months.

I was gaining weight consistently. Clothes started wearing different. I could see the change in my body, and a few other people did too.

And then it stopped again when I started dating the boy who would become my first boyfriend. I wanted to take better care of myself again, and the high of a new relationship supplemented needing a different regular coping mechanism. (To be clear though, the relationship was actually incredibly healthy and positive. It’s unfortunate that I wasn’t finding other sources of stability, but it was a positive source.) I stopped binging as regularly. I completely stopped drinking. I applied myself more in dance and all my classes. I ate more consciously, but not strictly. For two months, I was stable, and really happy and confident.

And then that high ended too. The boy started growing distant and I was losing steam. I starting binging more. I started drinking again. And then, for entirely unrelated and very good reasons, we broke up a little before the semester ended.

And that’s how we get to the last two months. No school or routine. A few brief periods of eating better and exercising, and then binging daily and occasionally getting drunk. And unsurprisingly, I’m incredibly unhappy.

And then in the past two or three weeks, I started getting on the horse again. Falling off, but then getting back on. It’s been five days of being on it now, and, though I may be a little optimistic, it feels like it’s going to stick this time. I found a nearby park to run at. I’m eating well, though perhaps a little restricted. I’m being more productive. My mental health is getting to a better place, and the effects of physical activity should get stronger over the next month.

Today I looked in app were I have a few progress photos from two periods of my time actively trying to lose weight. They don’t have dates and I don’t remember exactly how far apart they were taken, but I’m fairly certain I was taking a picture once a week. I remember being able to see the change when I took them, but being frustrated by how slow I was changing. Looking at them now, it’s terrifying (in every sense of the word) how fast my body is able to change if I give it the right variables.

I’m not above wanting to lose weight. And I don’t know if that’s good or not. I want to get back to the weight I was a year ago. I know I’ve never been satisfied, but I’d like to fit all my clothes again and feel good about myself again. If I’m truly happier and healthier, what’s wrong with wanting to lose weight?

I’m worried I’ll start the same cycle again. And that’s why I’m writing all this out for the first time in a coherent way. The last four years have been a incredible, if not terrifying, learning experience for how my body and mind work for and against each other. And that’s what I’m reassuring myself with. I’ve learned. The same thing can’t repeat because I’ve learned. I won’t go off the deep end again because I learned.

It’s a new horse and I’m a better rider now.

[actualbird]

It's totally cool if you don't!!! I get it!! However. Do you maybe have any tips on for when school is hell, I'm only asking because it seems to be hell for you a lot so maybe you have coping mechanisms (also wikihows Don't F-ing Work), but it's cool if you don't have advice! Just keep existing and being the messy and wonderful bird we all love.

hiya anon!!! and well this ask came at a great time since im starting the next semester next week, so maybe some of the stuff i do to stay alive might work for others too

schedule nap time: THIS IS NOT A JOKE IM SERIOUS. if you have a free period in between classes or even a class where you can afford to nap and nobody gives a shit, do it. and if you can, make it a regular thing. im the kind of person who needs that extra boost of energy during the day, so i put aside like 30 minutes per day to just pass out in the library. it’s rather rejuvenating. like, u might look a little bit like a mess after, but. worth it

planner/schedules/reminders: im not the type for planners because handwriting stuff is not my jam, but For The Love Of God have some sort of record for what you have to get done. this does wonders for my anxiety especially during hell week because i can see clearly whats going to kill me and plan accordingly. also, making checklists and schedules is…honestly very relaxing. for class schedules i use this app called ClassUp. it’s simple and cute and u can customize it a bunch. my checklist thing is also rlly great. it’s a chrome extension called Todoist. super straightforward with like cool stuff for deadlines and priorities AND you can hook it up to your email to send you reminders for when youre overdue on something. Todoist sends me so many emails…if you do like handwriting, maybe bullet journal? a lot of people find that fun. just try and find the type of organization that not only works for you but brings you some semblance of joy, no matter how small. god i hope im making sense.

Worry Time ™: this is something jenny @listentotheshityousay told me literally yesterday. if youre the type to get a lot of anxiety, “set aside 10~15 min every day (or maybe two short sessions per day if that works better) where u do nothing but worry.” i havent tried this yet but the logic is sound. like you exhaust your worrying in that session, and having a Time for worrying makes there also be a time for Not Worrying. it’ll help get rid of that constant feeling of dread and instead you have a concentrated but short and finite moment of dread. you cant get rid of worry, but you can sure make it more efficient. if you catch yourself worrying about something, make a note of it and worry about it in the next session. as jenny so wonderfully put it, “procrastinate on worrying.” it’ll free up a lot of time that can be used for actual work.

things thatll calm you down when youre freaking the fuck out: what it says on the tin. i dunno about you but school is panic attack heaven esp when workload gets Heavy. i figured pretty fast what the warning signs were and helped myself make that shit easier. i have a bunch of videos and songs saved in my phone that calm me down. this cute keychain i squeeze like a stressball.  origami paper (folding cranes is, ive discovered, a very effective way of calming down). just like tiny stuff you can bring with you just in case things get bad. they wont magically make things better, but at least it wont be like youre dying. 

rewards: positive reinforcement does fuckin wonders. in the hellscape of school sometimes it gets hard to feel happy about anything, so you have to take the hammer and find a way to make yourself feel happy. if you ace a test, Treat Yo Self. and this doesnt just apply to “big” achievements. i buy myself candy when i recite without stumbling over my words. tiny rewards or big rewards. i like to think it makes life feel like a game, which makes school just that tiniest bit more bearable.

just something to look forward to: i have this thing called fancy friday where on fridays i put a little bit more effort into my outfit so that i look Fly As Fuck. it makes me feel good the entire day and motivates me to get to the end of the week. i could be sobbing on wednesday but in the back of my head i’d think “at least on friday i’ll wear that cute skirt” and so i push on through. give yourself something fun to be excited about. school can be as much of a dick as it wants, but it cant take away the joy you have for something you crafted yourself. 

go easy on urself: not a coping thing but just a general reminder that while school is important, dont let yourself get too caught up in grades or work or achievement or failure. youre not a machine and youre doing your best. i think thats pretty cool

i hope school doesnt get too hellish anon!!!!

[diana-panda]

wow I can’t even remember the last time I logged onto Tumblr. This place used to be my life, I even had to reset my password to log back on here. i’m amazed that I still have followers. looking at things I used to blog about is so bittersweet, I legitimately feel the things I felt back in the days. shit was really changed since then. been broken over and over and having to grow bigger and bigger. I decided every few years I'll make a  post, a lil update of my life so I can  continue to self reflect on the shit I wanna change. considering I know absolutely none of my followers, this is the perf place for me to just unload a bunch sack load of shit. covid was crazy this year, survived that shit and realize all those years smoking have really fucked my lungs up. today I got another call from Dahni, who I still consider as my best friend forever. one day when we both got our shit together and both thinking straight again, I know we’ll be able to be friends like we used to. I never pick up to phone numbers I don’t know but every fuckin time I randomly choose to pick up to a rando number - it’s Dahni. this is the 5th time she has called me from a mental hospital. it’s crazy, never thought my life would have be me working in a mental hospital and her coming in and out of one. after all these years, you’ve probs haven’t seen her in 3 years - but she has never ever forgot your phone number, even when she has completely lost her mind. she literally doesn't make sense when she talks. at the beginning, you sometimes understood the shit she said and understood what she meant and felt because you were that fuckin close to losing your whole damn mind before you decided to get sober. still so proud of you choosing to be sober, even after probation, even after drug tests. Dahni still remembers your literal exact address. she said she’s been sending you letters for the past 2-3 years but you haven’t seen shit, especially because you moved to Milwaukee this year. you texted daddy but he said he ain’t seen shit, probs lying, he would hide this shit from you. he always hated her but he doesn’t understand that it was actually you who got her into drugs in the first place. I pray all the time Dahni has completely lost herself or she’ll be able to return to herself again, I miss having my best friend around. after the call, you looked at oldddd ass pics like 2015 shit, yall were the craziest - up and just went to alberqueque, breaking into hotels and creating body slides out of tables and chairs in the ballroom, tripping at the trail of lights and deciding to just walk towards the Austin skyline, there were so many pics I don’t even know where we’re at. I miss that life with you dude, not giving two shits about anything and doing whatever we could to just live life. you were the one person I connect with in such a weird way. anyway 2020 was the year I had to finally grow up, and I can’t be more proud. the reason I got sober was because I was drugged then gang raped in 2016, but I have finally accepted that it happened and I am finally moving past it. your ptsd and anxiety was debilitating. months of therapy with no progress, Janet your psychologist thought the best option was drugs to calm you down but you refused, mommy had to move down to San Antonio with you, you got daddy to install security cameras around the house, you went to 3 different police stations and 2 different apple stores because you thought you were being tracked, a panic attack literally every fuckin day, you got your first gun - but damn shit has changed. I think when you got rogue, that was the start of your life changing around. you used to walk her literally only on your street but now you can walk her for hours anywhere. you got control of your own life again. texas sunshines helped you tremendously, you met a few life long friends - even though you made some besties but ended up losing them - either way, they helped you return back to your old self, the free spirit and careless golden wild beautiful soul you had. exposure therapy - that shit works. going to 6th every weekend, even a couple times a weekend helped you a lot. you had only a couple freak outs where you let your anxiety take over you but there was progress. you have grown so much the past 4 years, it’s honestly mind blowing because you used to be at rock bottom. you legit lost your mind at one point, legit rock bottom, even hearing voices and seeing shit, Janet said drug induced psychosis - but your resiliency and strong heart and soul helped you, with the help of god of course. you were in such a dark place but getting through that helped you be where you are now. but none of this could've happened without the help of your parents - they taught you the definition of unconditional love. maybe that’s why Dahni is still battling this love and hate relationship with drugs - she doesn’t have this support system like you. your parents never gave up on you dude, like how am I ever gonna repay them, because if it wasn’t for them - I'd literally be dead long ago. you still have only told a few of your close friends. Dahni and Mikayla a year after it happened. kiara, erin, and Gracie 3 years after it happened. maybe that’s all that ever has to know. this shit don’t define your life anymore girl. it sucked but you have let that shit take enough of your life. no more living in the past. you live and you learn. stop thinking of ways how you’ll somehow find these fuckers and make them pay, they’ll get what’s coming to them. I used to pray everyday these fuckers got killed and died a horrible and painful death but you’re letting them win every time you waste a second thinking about them. just be thankful you got out of that shit alive. you have this deep rooted reputation of a party girl. but never forget, daddy defended you when yall had guests over once - “yes she parties a lot, but she also studies hard too.” you’re legit a UT grad, you got into grad school - which you are killing. you’ve never been a straight A student but now you are in grad school whaaat. but you know if you studied this much and this hard during UT - you would’ve had a higher gpa, but no regrets. ever!! my time at UT was truly a blessing - it was the best time and worst time ever. that was boot camp training you to be resilient. you used to think you were being punished for having to move to Milwaukee for grad school but that was the biggest blessing in disguise. Jim howard was right, even if I did get accepted into UT’s msn program - I shouldn’t go or stay anywhere near Austin, I have too many distractions here, I would’ve failed out immediately - I need to start thinking like a healthcare provider, people’s literal lives will be in your hands. you can’t kill no one dude, losing your license will actually be the end of yo life and all this school and bullshit would’ve been for nothing. Milwaukee was rough at the beginning but you’ve grown to fall in love and appreciate its true beauty. you needed a break from Austin, it’ll always be your endgame and it aint going anywhere. you got to start over, start fresh, grow up, it was exactly what you needed. Milwaukee was the place where you defeated your ptsd, your annoying anxiety - I mean yeah sometimes you do psych yourself out but you have made the craziest progress, even Janet is so surprised and proud of you! you fuckin live alone and do a damn good job of it. but it wouldn’t have happened without Lola. rogue saved you 4 years ago and now Lola has saved you. they are both fuckin wild and misbehaving, but I am sooooo thankful I have them in my life. god put the most perfect dogs into my life, they helped you be where you’re at today. you even made a fuckin solo trip with just you and Lola from Milwaukee to Austin, stayed in Memphis with just yall 2 and literally no panic attacks. never thought that would have ever been possible. lol having your gun around definitely helps. this year you realized that you used to be fat, how come no one told you omg. but that doesn’t matter because you have finally reached the weight you had on your vision board that you made in high school - 105. you got home from grad school and literally every single fuckin person in your life has said you lost so much weight - girl you didn’t even know it, you don’t got a scale in Milwaukee. but looking at past pics, holy shit girl you lost weight. you still got some to go but good job dude - don’t ever let yourself get that bad again. your new goal is to be 100, then you can stop stressing. lol you’ve been trying to lose weight literally since high school, and all it took was grad school and being depressed AFFFFFFFFF to lose 20 fuckin pounds! with the help of addy too. yeah you were depressed, started in the 2nd semester of grad school and was at its worse at in the 3rd semester. but you yourself, and Lola of course, pulled yourself out of that. you walked to the beach, appreciate the scenery, focus on the sound waves - learn to love life again. you’ve changed so much dude, I feel like you’ve finally lost all of your old self now. quarantining for covid made you finally truly clean your room and rearrange it. took the biggest cleanse of your life, and damn it was a struggle because you the biggest hoarder out here. you found your old pieces, crazy how you still got them, you found old pills, even weed - proud of you for throwing everything away finally, and real quick. because you did think about smoking some and pop a pill or two - what’s the worst thing that can happen right. bitch you know what can happen, normal people can do that but you have forever fucked your mind up, like physically and biologically fucked up your brain. the way drugs works on your brain and Dahni’s brain only has a dark side to it - drug induced psychosis - every time, no matter what or when or how long it’s been, you have forever fucked that up. yall dropped the ball on that shit, yall did it too much, esp the mind altering shit and will never be able to enjoy drugs again - but that’s okay. you don’t need that shit. okay for guys, fuckin listen to me here girl. we ain’t going into zayne or Terren - yo first 2 boyfriends was just dipping yo feet in the waters for dating. you already know what you learned from them. you know what you want and don’t you ever fuckin settle.”life is a mess when you settle for less.” I loved Arin, and I'll always love him. your dumbass almost married him but why, knowing he does not meet half yo standards. from Arin, you learned you want someone that treats you like a princess like he did, he always showed you off, he put you on a pedestal, you were legit his everything - you want someone that does that, where you are their everything. but you don’t want someone who gets angry like that, who lets problems get bigger and bigger til they explode - shit needs to be fixed immediately, if your their everything - shouldn’t they do everything in their power to make sure it stays like that. from josh, you learned you want someone who you can be your goofy self and have fun and literally laugh all the damn time with you - it was such a fun time with josh, yall really did have this amazing connection. he truly loved you and honestly truly loved you. I loved josh, and I'll always love him too. he was the first relationship you had after getting raped, and he showed you how to trust men again. these 2 dudes lacked goals and had different visions for the future from you. you’re such a goal oriented and family oriented person - they were not. you worked hard to get to where you are today, and continue to drop the guys and the people who will get in the way of your goals. friends too - if they ain’t with you, drop em. in the end, it’s your family who will always be there for you. lol you truly treat guys like shit dude and everyone knows it, you don’t even feel bad about it, maybe it’s from being raped, maybe it’s from that ginormous wall you’ve built, or maybe you’re just that afraid of getting hurt, but that’s okay, you can keep doing that, it’ll get rid of the weak ones - what you can’t do is treat the good ones like shit, like tai. you never expected to find a dude so different, but maybe that’s what you need. he’s the exact opposite of the typical guys you usually go for - a fuckin gamer, not 6 feet, lol even asian. you didn’t date tai but yall definitely had something for 6 months. he has never done drugs and doesn’t want to even try drugs - I didn’t know that was maybe something I needed in a guy. from tai, you learned that you do want someone who went to college, grad school is even better, super caring about you. at one point you did think he was going to be the one - he speaks Vietnamese, he’s in pharmacy school, he can game with your brother. he may seem perfect but you learned a lot of shit you don’t want in someone. you’re not on social media a lot anymore, other than snapchat. you even had insta deleted for months - then when school ended for winter break, it took you awhile to download insta again, but when you did, you made one post and never got on it again. tai is super in the social media world, and you don’t want that. you’re starting to be someone who really lives in the moment, the shit happening right in front of you matters to you more, you don’t want someone super into the social media world. he doesn’t treat you like you’re a priority to him, he actually makes it clear that he actually doesn’t give two shits about you - so why you allowing yourself putting any efforts into that. the second he’s upset, he’ll drag that shit out and won’t try to fix shit at all - you need someone who will fix shit right then and there so yall don’t go to sleep at night angry, you need someone who will fight and continue fighting for you no matter what. he doesn’t apologize for shit and when he does, there is always an excuse - you need someone who owns up to shit and apologizes sincerely. you deserve someone who truly cares about you and is committed to you, they need to do anything in their power to keep you and show you love you and not give up on you. you did not get gang raped to settle down for someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. you did not graduate from UT and get into grad school for someone who causes you mental stress and make you unhappy. you did not grow into this strong, independent, brilliant ass woman to date someone who makes you question your worth. you deserve someone who continuously challenges you to be your best self and make you feel beautiful. cami said you deserve someone who spoils you, and she is damn fuckin right. you have come so far, getting sober, getting into grad school, someone needs to feel lucky as fuck they have you. but what’s the common denominator between all these dudes - quit pushing guys away, quit purposely ruining shit because you’re scared of shit, quit getting pissed because they don’t react the way you wanted, quit overthinking shit because you’re usually fuckin wrong. just don’t settle for less but allow yourself to get close. your trust issues ain't going anywhere, but learn to put your guard down a tad bit, let yourself get hurt - it’ll only make you into a stronger bitch than you already are. nothing will ever hurt you nearly as much when you got raped. if you got through that, you can literally get through anything. a lot has happened in the last 4 years, but you know what you need to focus on. continue working on your best self. keep thriving and surviving. maybe we’ll self reflect and reorient again when grad school is over in a couple years and you’re back in Austin. just be happy <3 do your best and fuck the rest

[mathgeek101]

Voltron College Marching Band

ALSO CONCERT BAND, BECAUSE ONE IS NOT ENOUGH (and orchestra? and jazz band?) As my sister and I have devised and contemplated from other posts:

Shiro: Drum Major/Bassoon. probably volunteered to learn bassoon in high school because his band didn’t have any. Loves playing bassoon, but never thinks he’s good enough for the solos because he only started in high school (even though he’s always first bassoon?? like c’mon Shiro, you’re the best). Also plays piano in jazz band and is in a jazz trio with Hunk and Keith. Does a study abroad/foreign exchange type thing for a spring semester, and Hunk and Keith feel so betrayed. Always keeps his cool except when Slav gets onto him about his posture and how he needs to take better care of his arms (because he’s the drum major), and don’t get any tattoos because what if they don’t have clean needles and what if you get infected with something and you don’t want your arm to get amputated, Right? And Shiro loses it and tells him to go to his dot and count his hair follicles or something.

Slav: Clarinet. He’s that clarinet player. probably a composition major. kind of a genius, but always has the most ridiculous what-ifs. Would be section leader if he wasn’t afraid of a section mutiny that ends with him being impaled by clarinets. Will always be third clarinet (but the principle third clarinet, so he gets the cool solo parts), but doesn’t mind too much. You always need good third clarinet players.

Keith: Center Snare/ in concert band they rotate, but his fave/specialty is snare and keyboards - marimba in particular. Doesn’t shout at his snare line, but sometimes blows up because he already told you a million times about the stick height for that lick and yes we’re doing the stick flip visual, don’t drop your stick again!! Also plays drum set in jazz band. Loves to play Sing, Sing, Sing, funk tunes, and other loud drum charts, but his favorites are definitely the ballads. Shiro, Hunk, and Keith are a killer jazz trio. Has a ridiculously large (and growing) collection of cymbals, but really only ever uses one set, the rest just sit around.

Hunk: Baritone/Euphonium. Also plays Double Bass in jazz band (and orchestra??). Sweetest cinnamon roll around, brings cinnamon rolls (and other homemade treats) to sectionals. kind of loves Holst. Very passionate about spreading jazz and how it is important to music history and hates the fact that it is often glossed over, and considered a secondary/auxiliary/extracurricular kind of thing. He loves to play around town with the trio, and his favorite thing is old people coming up and saying hi and how much they love seeing young people play jazz. lost his folder once and Shay found it for him right before rehearsal. He acts like he has a life debt to pay to her now.

Allura: Color Guard captain/Flute&Piccolo. Mom of the band and loves her section. Soooo friendly and will take all the selfies before pregame, but once it’s time to run out onto the field she’s all business, and boy your phone better not be out during the game. Always carries sunscreen with her and reminds the freshman to stay hydrated. Arranges section lunches and invites other sections to join in an effort to get to know all the members in the band as well as she can. Drives a big van and hauls around the squad to go watch the trio’s gigs, and somehow is never ever late?? even though they never leave on time?? it’s like magic or something.

Lance: Trumpet. Tries really hard to butt into the trio, but Keith ain’t having any of that. Barely makes it into the jazz band, and is constantly trying to prove himself. Also tries playing piano, but only know likes three pop songs and plays them all the time, singing along loudly and out of tune, but has a good time. Everyone is always annoyed by it, but Hunk thinks it’s cute and tries to encourage him to learn more songs, and maybe ask Shiro for help? Keith just tells him to practice his trumpet because maybe he should try being good at one instrument, instead of okay at two. He gets really good at trumpet (thanks Keith), and ends up getting solos in marching band and a solo feature in the jazz band!!

Coran: Trombone. He’s been here FOREVER, and all the professors joke that he’s never gonna graduate. probably has two majors and three minors or something ridiculous, and just knows so much stuff. He can tell you some really detailed, obscure facts about some sea creature, but struggles with counting rests and identifying intervals. has been in every ensemble in the school for at least a full semester, yes even choir, he’s a decent singer. 3rd trombone in jazz band. makes tons of jokes that no one understands, but everyone laughs along anyway. Also references incidents that only the professors know about.

Pidge: Clarinet/Bass Clarinet. Hates reeds, but loves the clarinet (who doesn’t hate reeds though?). loves playing bass clarinet to get away from the rest of the clarinets. They’re her section, and she likes ‘em well enough, but sometimes all the clarinet stereotypes are just too accurate. looks up to the bassoons (Shiro, really) a lot, and loves being low-woodwinds together with them. Got tired of not knowing how to read bass clef so she taught herself. “it’s really not that hard, you guys, some people only read bass clef, you know” When she first started in grade school, she would always be fiddling around with the keys and screws on her clarinet and one day she decided to take all the keys off and freaks out when she can’t get them back on, cries to Matt about it, he just says “you’re smart, figure it out” and then she just figures it out and puts it back together. She never told her band teacher. From then on she got really interested in instrument repair and is now the go-to for quick fixes that the band director really doesn’t need to know about..

Matt: Mellophone/French Horn. Honestly, the whole “I know you love those peas, Dad” line is just such a French Horn line? That’s it, that’s the whole reason he plays french horn.

Shay: Bass 4/ again, percussionists rotate, but her fave/specialty is bass drum and timpani. Plays in the orchestra as the timpanist, and has a serious hate/love relationship with the last movement of Pines of Rome. Loves listening to jazz (and is supportive of her friends and goes to all of the jazz concerts and the trio’s gigs), but doesn’t play it. Her high school didn’t have a jazz band and her parents and brother never really liked it, so she never really got all that exposed to it until college - now has many friends in the jazz band. Obsessed with the saxophone.

Rax: not in marching band, amazing oboist, pretty good at english horn, but doesn’t love it as much as oboe. Thinks saxophone is a disgrace to music kind and isn’t a real instrument, but comes to love it eventually because Shay likes it. Maybe even starts to listen to some jazz and go to the Trio’s gigs with Shay

Nyma: Color Guard/dance team. doesn’t play an instrument. intentionally runs into and/or drops flags on freshmen to get free coffee on a date. The best she ever did was 5 coffee dates with Lance. Man, he didn’t catch on until Keith pointed it out. And even after he pointed it out Lance bought her another coffee, just to be sure.

Rolo: tenors(quints, quads, whatever you wanna call ‘em)/ *rotating* favors auxiliary perc: shakers, wood block, cymbals (esp. in marches), gong, etc. Knows the practice field like the back of his hand and can tell you where all the weird holes are and where the spots of grass that don’t grow evenly are. After meeting Shay, joins orchestra and loves it.

[shwagginonyou]

Tues 28 Feb 17

i literally think we don’t have a single heater turned on in this house right now because our heating bill for jan was 300 euro lols.... that’s what happens when we live in a house that has zero insulation during a month thats 20 f everyday at most and are also trying to stay alive to student teach everyday. but it has been a lot warmer this month so anyway, trying all possible ways not to break our bank accounts. more like our parents’ because who are we kidding we can’t afford half of this entire trip on our own >_>

today was fasching aka austrian marti gras so all the kids and a lot of teacher came in dressed up to the extent of halloween. it was pretty cute but it also meant that there would be little chance of getting students to pay attention in class today. we also went over to the local “volkschulle” (sry can’t spell) where they had a german magic show. it was ait at best. in the afternoon, a drama teacher who i’d never met came to run auditions for their first ever school musical grease. omg the amount of surprising voices that came out of some of these students, i could not. it was actually so nice to hear the individual students sing, esp those who were more than adept at it lol. but yeah, i didn’t even know they have a part time drama teacher but i think she only comes like once every semester towards the latter half. wish i could stick around to actually see these performances that the kids put up because who knows what they can accomplish during the 45 minutes i see them in class every week...

after school we went to susan (jess’s co-cop)’s house in klagenfurt to celebrate fasching with some wine, homemade veggie lasagna, and stand up comedy lol. i’m such a freaking huge meat eater and could not wrap my head around the fact that 1) there was no meat in my lasagna and 2) there was no pasta in it either T_T we basically made layers of all sorts of vegs and had a big ol baked veggie pie. i have to admit it was still pretty bombin but i’d be the worst vegetarian ever. why are all these teachers, or teachers in general so dang healthy??