#esmé speaks

[sprig-of-rosemary]

NOOOOO someone you admire just said smth really 😞 😞 😞 👎 👎 👎

[gayymomgod]

sleepyhead

[iennoganan-aha]

SPIDER-MAN OC‼️‼️ holy fuck the new movie was so good I’m going insane! I craved to make my own Spider-Man oc, it was strictly necessary or else I would have exploded.

I don’t usually post oc stuff on tumblr but fuck you I NEED to share my boy, clown spider deserves to be seen 😤😤

His name is Solomon Barret, he’s an 18 year old art student. They were bitten by a radioactive spider when his art class was having a field trip at an art museum that was close to the science lab that made it. Solomon didn't even notice being bitten since he was hyperfixated on taking notes of an art piece they were observing.

When he woke up the next day, he noticed some strange things in his body but chalked it up to the few hours of sleep he had gotten that night while working on an art project.

He started noticing major differences later on. After discovering his powers, he wasn't inclined to do anything with them. He has never fantasized about being some kind of hero. He decided to use his new powers of being able to stick to walls and surfaces to paint murals onto. He started to paint beautiful murals onto places where no human could get to. He started signing the paintings with 'spider-pierrot' since he loves pierrot clowns and french art and characters.

He designed his costume after a pierrot clown to further his persona as a performance act. He used his powers to be more of a figure who painted beautiful art with powerful messages. He wasn't interested in becoming some kind of vigilante or superhero.

His canon event is that because he didn't use his powers to stop crime, one night as he's working on a painting he sees a someone run past him, the man is shady, but Solomon does nothing and returns back to his painting. He later found out that the shady man was involved in an incident that gets his older brother Esmé killed.

He decided to begin taking his powers more seriously and using them seriously, becoming a vigilante.

He incorporates pantomime into his fighting style and aerial acrobatics, an art form he's very interested in. He uses pantomime as a distraction/diversion tactic, to confuse is enemies. He also will pantomime quips instead of verbally humiliating or joking with them. He has always been selectively mute, and uses sign language to communicate mostly aside from pantomime, but will speak if necessary. He uses his webs in a somewhat puppeteer like way.

He has the standard spiderman powers such as super strength, stick to walls, spider sense, he can naturally create webbing instead of using a device, still deciding on any unique powers he may have, but his fighting style keeps him unique enough for me!

Uhh yeah I like him a lot :>

[zebracakesarecopingmechanisms]

Assigning each ASOUE book a TMA entity (+why)

*Also taking the Netflix show’s portrayal/atmosphere into account.

The Bad Beginning: Web 🕸️

The Baudelaires are beginning to realize that things have been going on behind the scenes that they can’t understand; they are almost completely trapped in Olaf’s scheme til Klaus finds a loophole.

The Reptile Room: Hunt 🦷

The Incredibly Deadly Viper is initially percieved as a threat, if short-lived, and the Baudelaires are surrounded by dangerous creatures. Simultaneously, this is the book in which they truly realize Olaf is determined to keep chasing them.

The Wide Window: Lonely ☁️

Imagery of a large, empty house in a grey, foggy lake setting combined with the theme of grief. They are also without their guardian for a while after she faked suicide and was temporarily presumed dead.

The Miserable Mill: Dark 🌑

The Baudelaires do not know what happened with their parents here; information is being hidden from them. Klaus’ vision is literally impaired at several points in the story due to his glasses being damaged, in addition to the mandatory nightly “lights out” immediately after dinner.

The Austere Academy: Slaughter🔪

Vice Principal Nero’s fixation on the violin provides frenzied music, a common theme of the slaughter. The children are collectively cruel to the Baudelaires via Carmelita’s leadership. They demonstrate moblike behavior at the pep rallies.

The Ersatz Elevator: Spiral 🌀

The penthouse has hundreds of rooms and corridors in which one can easily be lost; there are repeating patterns on walls and furniture as well as the children’s clothing. Proportions seem exaggerated, ie the scale of the house, the limo, Esmé’s hat and fur coat, etc. The elevator is a false door that acts as a deception. Esmé is the first character to convincingly lie to the Baudelaires, and the contradictory rules of the In/Out system are nonsensical and confusing. And, of course, there is literally a Red Herring at the auction.

The Vile Village: Buried ⚰️

The Baudelaires are, in a literal sense, in a dry and dusty desert village full of sand. In addition to this, Duncan and Isadora are trapped together in the cramped, dark space of the fountain for the bulk of the story. In a more figurative sense, the Baudelaires are also buried under extensive suffocating and restrictive laws.

The Hostile Hospital: Eye 👁️

Heimlich Hospital contained files of information on nearly every conceivable subject; a massive gathering of knowledge by a man who ironically has poor vision. Olaf keeps a constant watch through the security cameras, and when Klaus is being forced to operate on his sister, an entire theater is seeing him.

The Carnivorous Carnival: Flesh 🥩

While the “carnival freaks” are of course not actually examples of body horror and are just people with deformities, they are still viewed as such by audiences within the narrative. Additionally, Madame Lulu is literally eaten alive by lions.

The Slippery Slope: Vast 🌊

In this case, the Vast mainly refers to the sky and heights, though the ocean is incorporated at the very end leading into the Grim Grotto. Falling off the mountain is a constant background fear; Sunny’s cage is thrown off the edge, and we see Kit do her little falling-and-flying trick with the dragonfly wings.

The Grim Grotto: Corruption 🪰

I was tempted to put the Vast here, but honestly the ocean itself was more of a unusual setting than a legitimate source of fear. The major conflict of the story was the infection/contamination of the Medusoid Mycelium.

The Penultimate Peril: Stranger 🎭

The Baudelaires do not know whether they anyone are speaking with is trustworthy, especially Ernest vs. Dewey.

The End: Extinction 🏭

The island is partially covered in garbage and debris, and everyone there is poisoned by the Medusoid Mycelium and will presumably be wiped out.

*Honorable mentions to the Desolation (fire, suffering) the Lonely (very few believe or help) and the Hunt (Count Olaf’s constant pursuit) as overtones of the entire series.

[unfortunatetheorist]

If The Sinister Duo found Olaf so useless, why didn't they jail him during his trial in The Penultimate Peril? (NCT)

Before answering the question, we must first think of the reasons why they found him USELESS and then why they found him USEFUL, before weighing the two to come to a conclusion:

Reasons Olaf is USELESS:

He is only focused on the Baudelaire fortune. Not even the Quagmire one, solely on Baudelaire revenge.

Speaking of Quagmire fortune, Olaf lost Duncan & Isadora to Hector's self-sustaining hot-air mobile home. The Duo worked quite hard to capture their parents, as TMWABBNH clearly states:

"After we went to all that trouble to restrain their parents in Peru."

He doesn't pay much attention to/realise the value of the sugar bowl.

He's become/been famous! Olaf has had 'Wanted' posters all over the city during the events of TEE - if The Duo knew that Esmé moved into the apartment at 667 Dark Avenue, and they themselsves live in the city, they DEFINITELY knew about Olaf's 'Wanted' posters.

As a sub-point to the above point, Olaf is dating the city's 6th most important financial advisor: her life is DEFINITELY NOT secret a from the press/The Daily Punctilio. He's wanted and they know it.

Reasons Olaf is USEFUL:

The Duo and Olaf both want to eliminate the Baudelaires. Except... Olaf wants to steal their money, first. The Duo have their plan to steal the Snow Scouts' fortunes, so they don't need the Baudelaire's, Quagmire's, or any other fortune of their enemies.

The Duo, especially at first, see Olaf as a pawn in getting the sugar bowl. This means they want(ed) him to get it... for them.

The Duo know that Olaf has direct access to Esmé's fortune - this, combined with her sheer lust for the sugar bowl, makes their [O + E's] coupling a great asset to The Duo.

Olaf is still a fire-starter - The Duo have brainwashed him and they know it.

So, given that there are more reasons Olaf's useless than useful, why do they still let him off the hook?

Well, there are actually a few reasons:

The Duo, by the time of TPP, know that Olaf and Esmé have broken up - by letting Olaf go [i.e. not jailing him], they give him a chance of reconciling with Esmé, so the Squalor fortune can still be used for the purpose of getting the Sugar Bowl.

The Duo know that Olaf is still a fire-starter (well, on that side of the schism) so they don't jail him because they need as many allies as possible, as they keep getting "foiled by those irritating volunteers".

The Duo are giving Olaf [yet] a[nother] second chance at being their underling. By letting him go, they want him to come crawling back to them.

Besides, I think that because The Duo were there, Olaf was 'set free'; if it were only Justice Strauss acting in loco iudex (in the role of a judge), the Baudelaires would've either:

Gone to jail with Olaf 'in light of recent evidence'

Been 'set free' despite all of their inadvertent, arguably accidental/necessary crimes.

Likely the latter, in my opinion.

¬ Th3r3534rch1ngr4ph, Unfortunate Theorist/Snicketologist

[invisibleicewands]

“In every room I go into, every office, every institution, people tell me, this is what we’re doing to encourage more working-class writers.  They reel off all the things they’re doing, and it sounds impressive, it sounds amazing. And you think: if all these people are doing all this, WHY ARE THINGS NOT CHANGING FASTER? WHAT IS GETTING IN THE WAY?”

Under the hot, bright lights of a packed-out auditorium at the 2024 London Book Fair, Michael Sheen is getting angry. His is an unthreatening, crowd-rousing kind of angry, but still, in an appropriate way – he’s mad.

The actor and philanthropist is speaking on a panel convened to discuss A Writing Chance, the programme co-founded by the actor with New Writing North and Northumbria University that helps working-class writers enter the writing industries. So far, the programme has been successful. The theme emerging on the panel is, if changes have been made in some areas, what’s holding things back in others? And what cultural changes might have to come before we solve the problem?

“You have to admit there’s a fundamental conflict between the system that’s set up, and what we’re trying to achieve,” says Michael. “I don’t know what the whole answer to that is, other than revolution.”

It says a lot about the mood in the room – and, we suspect, the rest of the country – that the laughs prompted by this conclusion feel rather approving. We firmly believe that elites have been hogging and hoarding opportunity for too long now. The support for A Writing Chance confirms that many, many people agree.

The initiative was launched in 2021, with 11 unpublished writers awarded places on a programme of support and mentoring. One, Tom Newlands, publishes his first novel this summer; another, Maya Jordan, signed a deal at the book fair. A new cohort will be selected soon, with the programme now supported by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, the Esmée Fairbairn Foundation, Michael Sheen, the Charlotte Aitken Trust, Faber & Faber, The Daily Mirror, Substack, Audible, with research supported by AHRC, Northumbria University, Bath Spa University and York St John University.

For the London Book Fair panel, Michael is joined by Professor Katy Shaw from Northumbria University, plus Tracey Markham, head of UK at Audible, Farrah Storr, head of writer partnerships at Substack, and the Huddersfield-based novelist Sunjeev Sahota. Katy and Michael begin by reflecting on the successes of the first completed programme: writers emboldened and published, policymakers in the Houses of Parliament briefed and, most importantly, great writing exemplifying the talent out there waiting to be discovered. “What came in was just way beyond anything we had hoped for really,” says Michael. “And there was a sense of revelation, the feeling you were seeing into worlds that have just been closed off, into experiences I had never thought about.”

Ideas about how to give working-class writers more confidence and access to publishing are peppered through the hour-long conversation: a creative curriculum in schools; intervening with gifted people at younger ages, like sports coaches; encouraging more people to take advantage of digital platforms, even if printed-book authorship remains the ultimate goal. Around halfway through, Sunjeev makes a brilliantly clear-eyed analysis of what being working class really means, and how it relates to identity politics. At the same time, he provides a devastatingly simple explanation of why working-class writers need support.

“Publishing is an elite space, but it’s quite a diverse space in terms of people’s racialised or sexualised identities. However, it’s not at all diverse it comes to people’s economic backgrounds, or family income. Indeed, many of the non-white people I encounter in publishing are often from just as comfortably-off backgrounds as their white counterparts.

The creative industries, he says, have tended to treat class as being another cultural identity, as if class should be considered in the same way that we might talk about race, gender, or sexuality. “But I think a more universal, class-first politics will do more for the weakest members across all identities than any identity-first kind of politics. I find that taking an identity-first approach just tends to benefit the elites within the identities.”

Lest anyone doubt the existence of a market for work originating outside the elites, the extremely upbeat Tracey is on hand to reassure them. Audible attracts a notably diverse audience, with large black and Asian listenerships, and a high proportion of young men. To satisfy this audience, the old-style audiobook, with its middle- and highbrow titles and Received Pronunciation narration, has been overhauled in favour of books more suited to audience tastes, and accents.

“Our customers really want accents! We spend a lot of time working with voice agents to widen access to the audio-narration industry. I think what’s super-important now is that your accent is not prohibitive – if you have a Welsh accent, say, that doesn’t mean you can only read stories set in Wales.”

Tracey stresses there is “so much more to be done” to widen socio-economic diversity in the whole publishing industry. But although it might still be a case of taking “baby steps”, a wonderful thing about books is their power to drive change elsewhere. “You know, it’s hard to explain to someone that’s not from the UK how much your accent kind of signifies to people when they first meet you. And with voice, we can kind of break down a lot of those barriers, and actually encourage it and welcome [diversity].”

There’s a similar note of flexibility and responsiveness to audience needs in Farrah’s account of what Substack offers. The relationship between digital and print is always evolving, and in her vision, it’s a question of the one complementing the other. Printed books still have more prestige than publication on digital platforms, but the latter can help offset the material challenges associated with the former, she argues. Echoing Sunjeev, she points that “the problem for people from a working-class background is that your advance gets paid in separate lump sums. People feel, I don’t have a regular income, I can’t make this work, I might end up falling out of the writer ecosystem.

“So, on Substack, we say, well, okay, you’re writing the book, but you’re probably going to have thousands of words leftover. So just put them on Substack and talk about the novel at the same time.”

Lots of people she works with end up making liveable incomes and building readerships for their work, which ultimately is what keeps them in the game. It’s a reminder that we shouldn’t necessarily define “writing” as the production of traditional forms such as novels and plays.

No one at this event – the queue for which was so long that dozens were unable to squeeze inside – believed all the barriers facing working-class writers would be dismantled any time soon.  Few, though, can have left without believing that A Writing Chance has begun the job – and that that job is worthwhile.

Wrapping up, Michael recalls someone from the inaugural group who told him that in their community, becoming a writer seemed about as likely as becoming an astronaut.

“They said that there was no chance of it. They said, ‘I didn’t know anybody else who lived where I live who was a writer, so I didn’t know how to begin, or where to start. It was like saying I want to go into space.’ But that changed for them.

“And of course, now, there are all these wonderful spacemen.”

[milf-lover42]

I've been thinking about Georgina Orwell an alarming amount this past week but I think I've exhausted all the good fan content out there 💔, tumblr posts, fanfics, hell even whatever pinterest gave me has run dry. I'm sad, I'm contentless, and I'm shamefully in love with Georgina Orwell.

That was longer than I thought itd be but basically the point is that if you have any advice for where to look next then I will take it, and if not then I am humbly asking you for any headcanons or anything you have 🙏

THANK YOUUU SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG!! YOU HAVE WONDERFUL TASTE IN WOMEN!!!

Dear anon I am so so unbelievably sorry for the time it has taken to get to you. I, an Esmé kinner, and my partner, a Georgina kinner, think about this ask every day and have been dying to answer you. Life has just been all over the place.

I would say that these headcanons are just that, and if you disagree then that’s fine, but truthfully I think of what we have come up with over the years as the real and actual truth and canon of the series. With that in mind! Here you go, I hope you enjoy!

Lore headcanons

First and foremost!

No matter the version, book, show, or continuation of the movie that never happened… Georgina survived her “death” at the Mill. In show canon, obviously there’s just an escape chute in the furnace, easy peasy, everyone has said this.

In book canon… yeah okay sure she tripped and was sawed in half at the mill. However, that woman has surely seen an Alice Cooper concert and knows how to fake a gory death live. She probably taught him how to do it to be honest.

So. She lives through Miserable Mill no matter the version. That woman is unkillable.

Georgina’s family is Old VFD. Like the Orwells were founding members type shit. Maybe it was her parents, maybe her grandparents or further, but either way, she was raised knowing everything. She was one of few members capable of learning about VFD and its inner workings from her own family - long before they died. She is the last keeper of every secret. She knows more things about the history of the organization than most of the sugarbowl gen can even begin to piece together. If VFD had nuclear weapons, Georgina Orwell would be the only one left who knew the codes, and that includes the Sinister Duo. Because of this, she’s very disconnected from the other members that we know of because they just don’t know about the truly dark information that VFD has kept secret from itself. She is technically still VFD, and in her earlier life was a dedicated member in some capacity, but she has no strong allegiance to it aside from her secret keeping (though that is more familial allegiance) when the SBG undergoes their schism.

Characteristic headcanons

BOTH of her knees are bad, that’s why she carries a cane. She doesn’t always need it (see: how often she simply holds it instead of actually placing it on the ground in the show), the pain flares up at different intervals and usually only in one leg at a time, but she always carries one A) because it is her sword and B) because that way no one can ever tell if it’s a good or bad day for her as far as knee pain goes.

She takes her coffee with no creamer, but does use sugar. It just varies in quantity per day. NEVER creamer or milk. Also is totally someone that’s a “don’t talk to me before my morning coffee” person. She doesn’t ever say this, she doesn���t have a nonsense mug that says it. However, if you try to speak to her before her coffee she will simply ignore you. She doesn’t get mad or glare or anything. She just… does not care until she’s had coffee. So it’s best to just wait because you won’t get anything out of her until then.

Tea she takes plain, nothing in it, no milk, no sugar, no lemon, nothing. Just. Tea. She isn’t a tea snob by any means, she will drink any tea she is given. If it’s bad tea she’ll just think that it wasn’t great, could be improved, but will take NO steps to improve it herself. She doesn’t even look at what type she is buying and she has no favorites. She likes tea enough to buy and make it but she literally does not care enough to select one. She just picks one at random every single time. She has had some truly horrible teas in her time without complaining or changing her habits once.

If you ask her what matcha is she will have NO idea what the fuck you are talking about.

Thank you so much for the ask, I love talking about my wife. I have so many more headcanons but pretty much all of them revolve around the idea that she and Esmé are together pre and post series (I am writing a fic slowly but surely to better explain this dynamic) and that they adopt Carmelita after the hotel. In the case that you are not an Eswell shipper I am keeping them to myself for the time being, but should you want that specific Georgina content I am more than happy to oblige! Just shoot me another ask and I will begin to compile it for you.

[may-or-whatever]

please tell me that someone else thinks esmé squalor (a series of unfortunate events) and stella (helluva boss) are actually somehow similar

i mean... they're both evil, rich, influent and they both speak with a british accent. and i feel like even in their physical appearance there is 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 similar but i can't explain it...

[adhdnursegoat]

🌹🌹🌹

Here's part of a scene from my unpublished WIP Third Degree!

Edward leans towards her from the side, his voice low and laced with playful mischief.

“You know, Esmé, I’ve always had a thing for the ‘teacher’ type. You manage to make even these dull topics sound fascinating. Maybe it’s your talent for making the mundane seem quite irresistible.”

Esmé’s heart skips a beat as Edward’s words cut through the room. His compliment, laced with playful flirtation, lands with an unexpected force. The way he leans in, his gaze fixed on her in mischief, creates a disconcerting intimacy. The admiration in his voice, dripping with a mix of sincerity and mockery, makes her cheeks flush with a telltale warmth that she struggles to hide.

The room seems to close in around her as she attempts to steady her breath. His insinuation, both flattering and invasive, leaves her momentarily disoriented. His ability to turn what should be a straightforward interaction into a personal challenge infuriates and unnerves her in equal measure. Her hands find her belly in an almost self-soothing way.

Clearing her throat, she wrestles her voice back into its familiar, authoritative tone as she adjusts her glasses nervously.

“Ooookkaayy. Maybe we should talk about boundaries,” she states, the firmness in her voice undermined by the flush of her cheeks. The forced cheerfulness of her tone contrasts starkly with the simmering frustration beneath.

A heavy silence falls over the room, the tension palpable as the group absorbs the abrupt shift. Edward’s smirk, now a full-blown grin, seems to bask in the satisfaction of having disrupted her composure. His eyes sparkle with mischief, clearly delighted by the ripple he has caused.

The others, taken aback by the sudden change in dynamics, exchange glances of curiosity. The charged atmosphere crackles with unspoken questions and unvoiced speculation. Esmé, her professional mask slightly askew, refocuses on the group, determined to steer the session back to its intended course. The challenge of reasserting control feels daunting, but she steels herself, ready to reclaim the authority that Edward's provocative charm had momentarily threatened.

Edward’s smirk broadens, a gleam of satisfaction dancing in his eyes as he savors the ripple he’s caused. His dumb, handsome face, with its self-satisfied smirk, only adds to the growing frustration simmering just beneath her calm exterior.

As Esmé’s gaze sweeps over the group, she senses their curiosity and the underlying current of amusement. She steels herself, determined to steer the session back to its intended course, and opens her mouth to speak.

“So, is Eddie gonna fuck the therapist or what?”

Harley, unable to resist adding her own chaotic twist, asks with a genuinely curious look that Esme is not sure is truly genuine in hindsight.

The group erupts in chuckles and giggles, the noise punctuating Harley's crude comment like a slap to the face. Esmé’s cheeks flush a deep crimson, and her resolve crumbles under the weight of her frustration.

Edward's amused chuckle, a low, throaty sound that reverberates through the room, acts as an audible manifestation of his pleasure. The sound ripples with satisfaction and amusement, a clear signal that he is relishing the disarray he has caused. His smirk widens, stretching his lips into a grin that seems almost predatory in its intensity.

The once-cohesive session now feels like a circus, with Esmé at its center, struggling to steer the madness. Drawing in a shaky breath, Esmé forces herself to speak through the tumult.

“That’s enough for today,” she declares, her voice weary but firm. The words cut through the commotion, a desperate attempt to salvage her sense of authority.

The room falls into a tense silence, the laughter fading as the Rogues sense the finality in her tone. Esmé rises from her chair, her movements precise and controlled despite the storm of emotions swirling within her. While she gathers her belongings and prepares to leave, the weight of the session’s failure settles heavily on her shoulders. Edward’s smirk remains, despite the boundary he crossed, leaped, and bounded over.

Without waiting for a response, she turns and heads towards the door, her steps purposeful. As she exits the room, she can almost feel the eyes of the Rogues on her, curiosity hanging in the air.

The door shuts behind her with a soft thud, the finality of the sound underscoring her decision.

[everharrt]

He would have never otherwise chosen a club for business.

Despite the VIP booths offered and the bottle girls that came by every now and again to reorder refreshments from, he wasn't quite fond of the thumping atmosphere and strobing lights. He didn't like repeating himself - when the bass was so deep he could feel it in his spine he found he was either shouting or saying the same things over and over again. He was not enjoying this.

What was less enjoyable was the client in question excusing himself, supposedly briefly, and never returning. In the game of professionalism all stroke were against him and Esmé mentally noted to blackball them from any future business arrangements - either with himself or an affiliate.

They may have been conducting illegal business, but there was a status quo to meet. A little consideration went a long way. Reputation was all anyone had in the seedy underbelly, throwing it away and here of all places was a death knell.

After ten minutes of waiting, debating, and deciding his client simply wasn't returning Esmé excused himself from the VIP booth and parted his way through the throng of the club. He stood out against the sea of more scantily-dressed dancers and attendees in his expensive suit. In any other instance he'd be put-off by people pressing themselves so close to him ... but considering the setting it was forgiven.

And rather than head for the door to leave entirely he diverted to the bar in a rare moment of spontaneity. For a drink, perhaps to quell his frustration. It was easy-enough to tune out the club while observing patrons all the same. Fingers wrapped around the glass of scotch while he partook in the people-watching.

"Are you new around here?"

In the break between songs, the bridge of uhn tiss uhn tiss that connected one track to another without flooding the entire building with thunderous noise, he heard her voice.

She was both somehow exactly what he expected to see in this sort of establishment and refreshing to witness all the same.

Dark hair, a slew of tattoos, oozing self assuredness that didn't come off as overt or oppressive. Esmé sipped his drink before leaning sideward in slight, enough to speak over the music but keep the conversation between them.

"I am. I had business."

If it wasn't obvious by how much he did not fit in.

"Are you a frequent flier?"

@icebrgvdka and Esmé have a chance meeting. (Let the fun begin.)

[sprig-of-rosemary]

i thought when Lou Wilson’s character Gunnie kept saying “very much so” it was because Lou decided it was smth his character would say, but now i think it’s just a Lou thing. i’m currently halfway through episode Rest in Pasta of Big Grande Teacher’s Lounge (guest starring Lou Wilson duh) and he’s said it 3 times already. nerd. 🤓 it’s endearing tho.

[eddysocs]

One Sexy Sergeant (Catherine Cawood x OC)

Summary: Catherine comes home after a slow day and decides to play a little game with Esmé.

Word Count: 639

Warnings: Smut, uniform kink, fingering, little dirty talk

Catherine Cawood had just returned home after a long, slow day at work. She wearily unlocked the door and stepped inside. Esmé, hearing the knob turn, looked up expectantly at the doorway, and her eyes lit up when she saw Catherine. "Don’t you look dapper," Esmé flirted. Catherine barely reacted. "Long day," she asked.

"Slow," Catherine complained. "Never thought I’d mind a quiet day of crime, but it turns out to be rather boring."

Well for what it’s worth, the uniform really does you wonders," she purred, reaching out to touch the badge on Catherine's chest. "It's incredibly attractive." When they were both at work it was nearly impossible to get a really good look at Catherine in uniform. She couldn’t believe how attractive she found it now that she was able to get a proper eyeful.

"You really like it?" The exhausted boredom in her eyes turned to something more playful and Esmé decided to take advantage of the change in her mood. "The uniform does it for you?"

Esmé nodded, closing in on Catherine, her fingers tracing the lines of the uniform. "It makes you even more irresistible, if that's possible."

"Then I take it you won’t resist your arrest then?"

"Arrest? Have I been a bad girl," Esmé teased. Esmé had never been a bad girl in her life, but for Catherine, she’d be damn near anything she wanted her to be.

Esmé's eyes sparkled with excitement as she leaned in for a passionate kiss, but Catherine's lips were no longer within her reach. She’d pulled away, grabbing Esmé's wrist and turning her around with a firm and possessive hand on her hip. Catherine's slow day at work had suddenly turned into a very delightful evening.

Catherine bent Esmé over the dining room table, none too gently, but not rough enough to have hurt her in the process. Esmé felt Catherine's weight press down on her as Catherine leaned over to whisper in her ear. "I’m going to have to perform a cavity search."

Normally that thought wouldn’t have been a pleasant one, but since it was Catherine hovering over her like this, the words sent a tingle throughout her entire body. "Yes, officer."

"That’s Sergeant to you," Catherine corrected, pulling the layers of clothing off her arse so that she now stood half bared to her.

First one, then another digit was quickly added once Catherine found out how turned on Esmé had already become from their little roleplay. "You are a bad one, aren’t you," Catherine taunted, but with Catherine's fingers now filling her, she could no longer speak, too clouded over with lust to form a coherent response.

As Catherine worked her over, her free hand slid up under Esmé's shirt, cupping a breast into her palm. Esmé fought back the urge to let out a moan at full volume. It was embarrassing how much this little act was turning her on.

"Why don’t you be a good girl and come for your sergeant and I might let you off with a warning." That was enough to send Esmé over the edge, and she felt herself clench around Catherine's fingers. Her arms were the only thing holding her up once Catherine had removed her hands and backed off. Her legs had practically turned to jelly from the whole ordeal.

It was several minutes before she was able to stand upright again, but when she did the first thing she laid eyes on was the cheeky grin on Catherine's face. "You should see the state of yourself," Catherine commented, looking her up and down. "A right mess I’ve made of you. What do you say I help you clean yourself up before Clare and Ryan come sticking their noses about?"

"You might have to carry me," Esmé joked.

"That can be arranged," Catherine replied.

Forever Tag: @arrthurpendragon, @baubeautyandthegeek, @foxesandmagic, @carmens-garden, @bossyladies, @getawaycardotmp3, @misshiraethsworld, @kmc1989, @curious-kittens-ocs, @fanficanatic-tw

[vh-rp]

House of the Salamander

Heraldry by Bad Ritual

Name • The House Of Salamander Scope • Regional - Free Marches, but known to travel continentally Headquarters • Kirkwall, The Free Marches Leader • Caro Byrne Values • Camaraderie, coin, and cajoling Goals • Mint gold, cause the good kinds of trouble, deck the worst kinds in the nose, and try not to die in the meantime.

Allies • Varied based on the current job. Enemies • Varied based on the current job. Rivals • Give ‘em a minute.

Requirements The House of Salamander’s a small outfit, meaning relationships amongst the members are just as personal as they are professional. Rarely if ever actively recruiting, prospective members typically have to happen upon the mercenaries either while they’re working or off on their own endeavors. If a rapport can be struck with one, then the task becomes striking a rapport with the rest until there’s a consensus. At that point, if you have some sort of skills to offer the band, have earned their trust, and can muster a unanimous vote, then you can bear the toasty lizard crest.

Duties

Salamanders stick together. Have your fellows’ back, and they’ll have yours.

Coin doesn’t trump basic decency. Don’t sell your morals down the river just for a job. If two members disagree about that, they’re obligated to talk it out.

Coin trumps most other things though. Gold is gold, life is hard, and food ain’t cheap.

Don’t go spilling blood for free. Don’t pick fights for free, that’s the job. Don’t be a dick, whipping out your junk when blades are out is never a good idea.

Traditions The House of Salamander only has one real tradition to speak of thusfar: they do not tell anyone outside of the group the truth about where their name came from. In all reality, it came from one of their first meetings, wherein a salamander came crawling out of their campfire. Amused by the immediate hyperbolic comparisons to the dragons of the age, and lacking a name at the time, it was decided that something as formal and mysterious as “House of Salamander” would do. But to retain both aspects of the mystique, the go-to move is to lie and invent a more impressive story on the spot; whoever asks is just as likely to be spun a yarn about a dragon shrunk to the size of a rat as they are a manor full of lizardpeople who the gang had to defeat in order to take their crest. In the event that one of them slips up and accidentally tells the truth, they owe the rest of the company a night’s worth of luxury and drinks.

Members

Caro Byrne

Esmé Lachance

Ceren Brynmor

Genthus

Horus

NPCs (Adoptable)

Luca, formerly of the Red Dogs. A human warrior that prefers light armor and a sword and shield.

Karvil, formerly of the Red Dogs. A dwarf warrior with two axes and plenty of tattoos.

Lelindin, formerly of the Red Dogs. A human mage with a crystalline staff and a quiet disposition.

Alred, formerly of the Red Dogs. A human warrior with rusty armor and a tarnished old greatsword. A surprisingly talented fixer.

Assets One horse-drawn covered wagon, a host of rations and provisions, first-aid equipment, and a variety of odds and ends.

Legacy Clause • Ownership of this organization defaults to Neology, Meira, Headwires, and Fromikeable. Should they all happen to be inactive, the faction should be considered to be disbanded, with the members parting amicably to go their separate ways.

[istorkyou]

The Price Of Love (Modern!Ivar AU)

A Modern!Ivar x F Reader

Warnings - See individual chapters. STRICTLY 18+

Synopsis - Money isn’t everything.

Word Count - 1685

Note - This is the second fic I ever wrote and I’m not sure why I never posted it. I think I started writing The Arrangement not long after and kind of fell out of love with this one. Still, it’s been festering in my completed docs for well over a year so I figure I might as well post it 😬 It’s fluffy, and maybe a little cheesy (and by a little I mean a lot!) so if that’s your bag I hope you enjoy it!

Moodboard - The beautiful moodboard is made the magical, amazing @serasvictoria. Thank you so much xxxx

This was beta read by my aussie wife who has left Tumblr. All love, all the time Lou x

Tag List - Let me know if you want on or off :)@smears-and-spots @punkrocknpearls​​ @youbloodymadgenius​​ @momowhoo​​ @zuxiezendler​​ @not-another-viking-fanfic-blog​ @ivar-s-my-brat-tamer​ @pieces-by-me​ @heavenly1927​​ @berryonasummerevening @synnersaint​​ @out-of-the-box-and-into-alchemy​ @petite-hime​​ @serasvictoria​​ @mimiiinspace​​ @itsmysticalmystery​​ @lonewolf471​​ @mylifeisactuallyamess​​ @draculasbride-blog​​ @love-all-things-writing​​ @southernbe​​ @redhead7799​​ @kaybee87​​ @ivarlover​​ @ivarhoegh​​ @idgafiamallthefandoms​​ @darkphoenix5037​​ @profoundtyrantharmony​​ @snarling-through-our-smiles​​ @crazyunsexycool​​ @xceafh​​ @bragisrunes​​@noway4u @batmandallyboy​​ @complicatedbutrare @readsalot73​​​​ @meandmycherrytree

Masterpost

CHAPTER 13

The dress comes, it doesn't quite fit right, it’s too long and the bust area is too big. You start to panic.

“My mother has a seamstress on staff, I will call her.” He's on the phone before you can stop him and your heart starts pounding. He leaves the room to speak to her, leaving you to stew in your own nervousness. Surely you won’t have to meet his mother? It will just be the seamstress? Shit.

“They are coming over in an hour,” he announces.

“They?” you gulp.

“Mother is coming. She wants to meet you,” he says, as if it’s nothing, as if you haven’t almost just lost your lunch with fear.

“OK,” nerves are coursing through you and no more words are forming.

The elevator pings an hour later and out strides Aslaug and an equally elegant woman with a pull-along case dragging behind her.

“Ivar, darling,” she pulls him for a hug.

“Mother, I would like you to meet Y/N,” he pulls his mother to you and you can see her run her eyes over you. You wish you had changed out of the short leather skirt and tucked in Nirvana t shirt before she got here, You suddenly feel like an imposter in her presence, like you don’t belong here at all.

“My dear, lovely to meet you,” she shakes your hand. “Esmé, shall we go into Ivars bedroom and get this dress fitted?”

You follow her into his room and Esmé is opening the case of her tools.

“Hi Esmé, thanks so much for doing this, the dress is too long and it’s a bit roomy around my boobs,” your head whips to Aslaug when you say ‘boobs’, is there an acceptable way to mention your tits in front of your boyfriends mother you met twenty seconds earlier?

“That is an issue I always have as well, Y/N,” Aslaug smiles at you briefly.

“So, which designer are you wearing?” Esmé asks you. “Some are easier to alter than others.”

“Oh, it’s not a high end designer, I sourced it from a supplier I use for my shop,” you tell her, walking over to Ivars en-suite where you have hung it on the back of the door.

“Oh! Ok, let me see it then,” Esmé says, you can tell she is a little shocked at your words.

You bring it out and hold it up for them to see, you slowly turn it around for them to see the back.

“Got it!” Esmé says excitedly, “we might also want to make sure the fabric near your bum is snug, don’t want anything on show when you sit down.”

“Oh god I hadn’t even thought of that,” you say with a worried look on your face.

“Don’t worry, will we make it fit like a glove,” she gives you a tiny wink.

“It’s rather plain.” Aslaug says suddenly, eyes on you waiting for an answer.

“Oh, yes it is, I suppose. The back is quite dramatic. It’s totally my style though,” you answered awkwardly.

“What you are wearing now isn’t plain,” she looks at you, but her face is totally neutral.

You can’t read her. Is she just making a statement? Is she being rude?

“Well, Mrs Lothbrok. This is the first time I’ve been to an event like this. I want to wear something that I am totally comfortable in as, honestly, I’m pretty nervous about the whole thing, I’m worried I will mess up in some way, that I will embarrass Ivar. If I am wearing something I love it will be one less thing for me to be stressed out about,” you tell her honestly.

She nods slowly, eyes not leaving you.

Esmé breaks the exchange. “Let's get you into it and we will see what we are working with.” She leads you into the bathroom, closing the door. You turn to face her, you don’t say anything, but your face must have an expression of fear on it. She walks to you, runs her hands up your arms in a comforting way and whispers “you handled it well. She appreciates candour.” You give her an appreciative smile.

“Right!” Esme says in a breezy loud voice, “put it on.”

When it’s on you both leave the bathroom and walk to the full length mirror. Esmé takes out her step and has you stand on it as she surveys the length.

“Y/N, I’ve got some shoes that would be perfect with that dress if you would like to borrow them?” Aslaug offers, “Ivar told me the colour of your dress and we are the same shoe size so I’ve bought some with me, he said you hadn’t found any yet.” Her face is almost hopeful.

“Thank you, that’s very kind Mrs Lothbrok, my heel collection isn’t big and I don’t think boots or Nikes go with this attire,” you joke. You see her smile as she pulls out some beautiful black stilettos with a line of sparkly stones running over them.

“These I think. Do you like them?” She walks over with them in her hands. You can see the name of the designer inside and your eyes widen, knowing how much the cost.

“They are beautiful, Mrs Lothbrok, thank you. I will take very good care of them.” Your eyes don’t leave them.

“Please, call me Aslaug.” Your eyes meet hers and you smile and nod.

“Aslaug. Thank you.”

You slip the heels on and Esmé sets about her work as you and Aslaug chat about your shop and, of course, Ivar. Your face lights up when you talk about him and you can see it pleases her.

When the dress is pinned in place you turn to the mirror to give yourself the once over. Esmé has worked wonders. It looks sensational on you, it’s like she’s waved a magic wand and made you look ten times better than you usually do.

“Jesus, Esmé. You are amazing, look at it!” Esmé laughs at you.

“Now we have the task of getting it off you without stabbing you with any of the pins. I will only need a couple of days for the actual alterations, shall I drop it back here when I’m finished?”

“No, I will come and get it from you, I don’t think your place is too far from my shop so I’ll give you my number, just text me when it’s ready and I will pick it up.” You smile at her. “Thank you so much, I’m so happy with it.”

“You do look radiant in it, Y/N. I take back my comment about it being plain. It’s classic.” Aslaug nods at you. “Jewellery?” She asks, eyebrows raised.

“Sorted, my best friend is a jeweller and she’s making me something special,” you reply.

“Thank you for hooking me up with Esmé and the beautiful shoes. It’s much appreciated,” you smile at her.

You all head towards the door of the bedroom when you get a sudden burst of bravery.

“Aslaug, can I talk to you alone for a minute?” You smile at Esmé who leaves the room quickly.

“I just wanted to address this ‘‘gold digging’ title I’ve been graciously bestowed by the media,” you say awkwardly, your heart is beating so hard you think it might bust out through your chest, you are wringing your hands together.

“I want to assure you that I am not that. I have never taken anything from Ivar, and I have no interest in his money. I own my own shop, I do alright for myself, I have a strong work ethic and I’m not with him for any other reason than I’m very much in love with him.” You take a massive, steadying breath.

“I know dear, he has told me all about you. Endlessly.” She laughs. “I know that you took him to task over the bracelet he tried to give you. I’m aware you don’t like material things,” she says slowly.

“I like nice things, Aslaug, I just like them better when I’ve worked hard for them and can buy them for myself, that’s what I’ve always done and that isn’t going to change just because my boyfriend is successful.” You shrug. Her eyes narrow at your words.

“There’s no harm in letting the man you love spoil you a bit though, Y/N,” she whispers with a cheeky smile on her face.

“Without wanting to sound like a chess ball, I prefer it when he spoils me with attention and affection. I just hope you understand that I don’t need him. I want him.” You reply. You can see on her face she approves of your response.

“I appreciate how upfront you are, Y/N. Ivar is a brilliant judge of character, and he trusts you completely and therefore so do I,” she tells you and you nod quickly.

You both see them out to the elevator and when the doors shut you feel all the tension leave you.

“So how did it go?” Ivar asks excitedly.

“I’m not really sure if your mother likes me or not,” you grumble.

“Of course she does, I heard her use the word radiant, she’s not free and easy with compliments.”

You notice his gait is more laboured than usual as he comes toward you for a kiss.

“Ivar, please tell me you didn’t spend the whole time I was with your mother pacing the apartment? You are in pain, I can see it.” You hold his hand frowning at him.

“Not the whole time…” he looks at you with puppy dog eyes, trying to avoid a telling off. You tut at him.

“Go and sit down, I will get your medicine.” You walk back into his bedroom to get the tablets he needs. You head back out to the living room and see him lying on the couch.

“Will you rub my legs, please?” he asks tentatively. He’s always shy about asking for this. You smile at him, hand him his pills and a drink and get into position.

“Anytime.”

Chapter 14

[soluumis]

⋯ ✦ uee would you entertain us with a couple esmée and syrine facts ?

jkal polar <3 i'm unsure if you meant trivial / silly facts or something else ? feel free to hmu if i got off track <33

⋯ syrine. (ft. small anteryne fluff)

› she loves to sing to comfort people ! she's unsure if her voice gives the desired effect, she doesn't consider herself a good singer but as someone so bad with dealing with her own emotions she hopes a lullaby can at least brings some solace.

› an overthinker, she takes jokes very literally. she's extremely bad with understanding irony and reading between lines.

› ironically, she speaks rather eloquently which can sound like riddles and makes it hard to understand her.

› she'd rather float than walk ! as she doesn't leave her plane so often walking easily becomes too tiring. she prefers clouds to grounds anyway.

› syrine seldom calls people by nickname, it's an 'unsettling' quirk of her. after getting really close to anteros, she started calling him 'anty' ocassionally making him freeze and bawl for sure huhu

› syrine being extremely sensitive and fragile-minded by nature, cracking isn't uncommon for her; her cracks are often caused by partings and farewells.

note. at the end of her first meeting with anteros, he jokingly said "farewell beautiful" with a bow and took his leave. hearing him saying that so soon was such a shock that she got another crack (she simply couldn't read the situation and took it too seriously as usual lol)

› syrine is very similar to a shima-enaga ! feathered dragons are a rare sight, it's often surprising to see her poof like a fluffy bird when wet / angry, or to see her preening her tail.

› winter is the season she's the least fond of. to see everything so desolate with only pure white is quite stressing to her. it's also the season whenre there isn't much life to witness; everything either died / migrated / hibernates making the loneliness hard to cope with. she has much diffculties with autumn for this same reason, albeit with the addition of ephemerality and the abrupt end of nature.

› she developped an obsession with snow leopards for some reasons. as she doesn't like to think about winter, she wasn't much knowledgeable about nordic wildlife until discovering those stunning creatures. what do you mean winter can present such magnificient fluffy white furballs !

› syrine was the one teaching anteros everything he knows about astronomy. when she was slowly turning blind, anteros always counted to her which stars and contellations could be seen in the sky.

› birds especially small ones are often attracted to her, she can sometimes be seen holding some sort of rehearsal with them. enthralled syrine singing in choir with a crowd of fluffy tiny birbs ? more likely than you think !~

⋯ esmée.

› her horns remain in all her shiftings but can slightly change in appearence. she has a preference toward owl, fox and dragon shapes.

› her eyes, orbit and underhair glow in the dark. (ut sans reference real)

› an overthinker; she overanalyzes everything in people's behaviors or natural occurences. if you don't give her an answer she will come up with one, often at her/your own risks///

› she hates uncertainty and rhetorical concepts, as her sense of discernment is blurry. she will often answer too seriously or fall into the true stupid statement

› she retained several primitive habits, like hissing a lot or affectionate bites

› curiosity often leads her to take the form of what she has in front of her, to blend or understand ? often at her own risks lol

› as lightning courses her veins, it's not uncommon to receive an electrical shock if you touch her quickly.

› (also goes for syrine) her orbit is formed via a small gravity center around her head the same way planet rings are formed; if you spinkle ie. gold dust or flowers it will just stay caught / floats on the orbit. it will just go with the flow and movement, like a river in a sense.

› the starry underhair is seen slightly floating / waving constantly. the stars inside twinkle too, some move around like shooting stars. also it acts like a cosmic portal somehow, don't try to put a hand in it//

› her mood can alter weathers, such as rain, fog or thunderstorms more frequently, albeit other weathers aren't unheard of.

› warm alignated and yet possesses negative heat tolerance, she is absurd until the end.

› she has the ability of creating dimensional portals.

› she gets curious about the smallest things, coupled with her inexistant sense of self preservation she is the embodiment of 'curiosity killed the cat'

› her eyes are immune to solar rays / sunlight, she won't turn blind even if she stares eternally at the sun.

› the underhair slightly change colors depending of the time of the day, regardless of which state she is in.

oof that ended up longer than expected— i think that's all i can think of ? i probably forgot a lot but ! thank you for your curiosity <33

[unfortunatetheorist]

*Joint Theory 3: @unfortunatetheorist with @snicketstrange *

The Masked Ball - Book Canon VS Netflix Canon

After quite a wait (my [@unfortunatetheorist's] bad), here it is.

The Masked Ball that Duchess R invites Lemony to in LSTUA is notably different in both the book and Netflix canon. This post will try and take into account all of the differences that both Masked Balls have.

Obviously, the Very First Difference is that:

BOOK: The Ball happens AFTER the Baudelaire fire, during the events of The Carnivorous Carnival.

NETFLIX: The Ball happens 'IN THE PAST, a phrase which here means BEFORE THE BAUDELAIRES WERE BORN'.

This impacts the storyline greatly, as the book canon allows for the possibility of Beatrice surviving the fire, before Lemony met her at the Masked Ball and tried to save her, where she ultimately died.

This also paves the way for a slightly chilling possibility, especially when you look at it in terms of Lemony:

According to Netflix canon, if the Baudelaires weren't born at the time of the ball, and we know Beatrice was there... who's to say that Bertrand was not? The possibility is there, however slim it may be.

This COULD, in THEORY, mean one thing - Beatrice CHEATED on Lemony with Bertrand, and he didn't know. He found out later when she confessed to it, out of guilt, in her 200-page book. This, in turn, is what led to Lemony spiralling into depression, and is what makes him say this line in TPP:

"The man in the back of that taxi is myself, many years ago when I was much younger and more naive than I am now."

His naivety is referring to his unrequited love for Beatrice, despite the fact that she cheated on him.

It also, referring to BOOK canon this time, makes him say this line in TAA:

"[And] because I felt like a different person, I dared to approach a woman I had been forbidden to approach for the rest of my life."

The only reasons he would've been forbidden to approach her are:

a) Bertrand

b) Beatrice - if she ever saw him again, it would bring back all those emotions of guilt and sadness that she didn't want to hold on to.

(But that's just theoretical. Back to the point...)

Another key difference is that:

BOOK: Olaf is not present at this ball.

NETFLIX: Olaf IS present at this ball.

This is important, as @snicketstrange points out in a theory, Lemony sees Beatrice at the ball and says to her "Count Olaf is dead" - in book canon only.

Here's an interesting one:

BOOK: The Masked Ball is mentioned in TAA.

NETFLIX: The Masked Ball is only mentioned/shown in TCC.

This plays quite a part, as it allows for the possibility to be referenced in TEE, and therefore, for Esmé to have been at the ball, as she says in the Netflix series (TSS):.

"You once threw a Masked Ball here and didn't invite me - not that I care! A face this gorgeous should never be hidden behind a mask."

However, it is also not made explicitly clear in the books as to whether or not Esmé was invited/there.

BOOK: It is not mentioned whether or not Esmé is at the ball.

NETFLIX: Esmé is clearly NOT INVITED to this ball.

Another similarity is that both Balls were held explicitly by the Duchess of Winnipeg, Duchess R:

BOOK: Duchess R of Winnipeg holds the Masked Ball.

NETFLIX: Duchess R of Winnipeg holds the Masked Ball.

Speaking of people at Masked Balls, let's refocus on the main man himself - Lemony. Here's some things @snicketstrange pointed out:

In the books there are two dances mentioned. One of them was during the main events described in TCC. But it was NOT the same ball at which Lemony was captured nor the same ball at which he said "Count Olaf is..." This other ball is the one mentioned by the narrator Lemony in TAA, but it took place after the publication of TWW.

It's important to think in 5 dimensions here. (@snicketstrange is one of the few people that can do that!)

Lemony published his books over the years after the main events described in the books. And over these years, Lemony experienced some things that he, as a narrator, INCLUDED in the books as he published them. And the Ball at which Lemony was captured was one of those events.

Some more differences are:

Lemony's outfit

According to Lemony, it was the only time in his life that he wore this outfit. This detail is VERY significant. During the Netflix show's second season, Daniel Handler was still on the show's creative team.

It may be that he made these demands to ensure that people knew that the ball depicted in the show was a different ball than the ball depicted in the books, even though there were similarities.

In other words, in the show they weren't trying to replicate what was described in the books, even though there are SOME thematic similarities, and purposeful differences.

The fact that Lemony is being chased or not

The people described at the ball. Note that there are no people who died (with the exception of one Beatrice present) at the book ball. Monty, Dr. Orwell, Josephine, are not mentioned.

[Thank you again @snicketstrange, your words continue to provoke wisdom and thought into the minds of keen ASOUE fans...]

¬ Th3r3534rch1ngr4ph (@unfortunatetheorist) & @snicketstrange, Unfortunate Theorists/Snicketologists