#ensign lily

[idol--hands]

Ro: “Well…welcome to Star Fleet, kids.” [#6, pt 5]

Reminder: Vulcans are 3x stronger than humans. 🤓

[clementine-kesh]

harry’s come full circle and found his own traumatized little ensign to be a questionable mentor to. when the cycles are cyclical <3

[morns-fevered-dream]

Here to live blog the much loved and talked about episode that spoilers have been unavoidable especially Garak and Bashir for current boycott of Paramount+ I'm watching from a pirate cove I know nothing of this episode spoilers for Star Trek Lower Decks

Season 5 Episode 9

Boimler finally got the full beard

T'pol and Curzon good to see

Yes the moment so many been waiting for

Alternate reality and ones a hologram...

Big spock reference!

Harry Kim and he's got another pip

A ship full of Harry Kim's? Damn

I love all the returning voices :)

"Your all still ensigns?" Damn Harry is never beating the no promotion allegations

Nevermind the alternative realities I'm so happy I got to hear them being a couple

That was cute

Oh a alternative nerdy Mariner

Nah Curzon is right life without excessive amount of sodium... Oof

I love their bickering

Yes Archer was a huge nerd

I'm loving this episode

Return of Khwopians

Lily Sloane?

Garak isn't plain and simple in any universe it seems

You know what...you go Kim take that ship

This is so much going on

He picked the main universe?! I mean yeah they'll probably fix it...it is the main one for a reason

Correct reaction

I enjoyed William Boimler throughout the episode

Well the episode was great and definitely what it was pumped up to be

[positivelybeastly]

How do you feel about the X-Men just slaughtering human members of orchis?

"It pleases me more than you can imagine to see the others finally coming to their senses. Only so much can be accomplished with the spoken and written word - at some point, you eventually have to get your hands dirty. We have to strike first. If the humans are given the chance, there will be no first strike, only the last strike. It's what I'd do in their place."

Yeah, I don't love it, tbh.

Like, I get why it exists, I get why we got all those panels of Shadowkat jamming guns into people's heads with her phasing powers and all, but, like . . . okay, let me pull this stuff up.

So, like, I get it.

Something awful has happened to mutantkind, and everyone has their way of responding to that trauma. I get that. In-universe, it makes absolute sense that Kate would react like this. It's not like she hasn't killed before. And let's be real here, all the same logic arguments about killing vs. not killing in comic books apply here - if you let them go, they'll only hurt someone later; it sends a message that if you hurt mutants, you get hurt in return; Xavier's dream has been proven to be a load of old shit, Magneto had the right idea all along.

That's sure an argument that you can make.

In-universe, I get it.

But out of universe?

This is cheap. This has no bite, this has no weight to it, it's empty calories in my opinion. Why? Because it betrays a fundamental lack of imagination about ways to tell the X-Men story, and the fundamental limits of Western comic books, if you think about what it actually means.

Comic book heroes generally aren't meant to kill because they're paragons of moral behaviour. They exemplify a moral standard that we should all ascribe to. That's the Golden Age logic, right?

Except that the Joker. Right? So, this is a conversation to be had, and I think trying to apply a baseline logic to it is kinda pointless, because the morals and ethics of killing in a Batman story are so much more important and meaningful to the themes of that story than, say, in an X-Men story. Sometimes you need to kill the giant fucking robot, sometimes Trask just needs to fucking die, sometimes you gotta snap Cassandra Nova's neck.

That's - kind of a whole other argument, and not the one I'm interested in talking about right now. This isn't really about whether it's right or wrong for heroes to kill, I only bring this up as context to what I'm about to say, which IS.

This is cheap parlour tricks to get a FUCK YEAH moment out of the reader by Gerry Duggan because gratuitous violence is an easy way to get a pop out of a comic book audience.

There's some real great exchanges from Star Trek that I'm just going to shamelessly crib here, because I think they really exemplify my point, so here goes:

PICARD: Six years ago, they assimilated me into their collective. I had their cybernetic devices implanted throughout my body. I was linked to the hive mind, every trace of individuality erased. I was one of them. So you can imagine, my dear, I have a somewhat unique perspective on the Borg and I know how to fight them. Now if you will excuse me I have work to do. LILY: I am such an idiot. It's so simple. The Borg hurt you, and now you're going to hurt them back. PICARD: In my century we don't succumb to revenge. We have a more evolved sensibility. LILY: Bullshit! I saw the look on your face when you shot those Borg on the holodeck. You were almost enjoying it! PICARD: How dare you! LILY: Oh, come on, Captain. You're not the first man to get a thrill from murdering someone. I see it all the time! PICARD: Get out! LILY: Or what? You'll kill me, like you killed Ensign Lynch?! PICARD: There was no way to save him. LILY: You didn't even try. Where was your evolved sensibility then?!

I love that scene.

"It's so simple. The Borg hurt you, and now you're going to hurt them back."

It's that simple, huh?

O'BRIEN: Captain. PICARD: Chief. I wanted to talk to you. O'BRIEN: Anything I can do, sir, you know that. PICARD: Ben Maxwell. He must be quite a man. O'BRIEN: He's a rare one, all right. I count myself lucky, sir. I've served with the two finest Captains in Starfleet. PICARD: From your knowledge of the man, what has gone wrong? O'BRIEN: There's a reason for what he's doing. Those Cardassians were up to something, I'm sure of it. PICARD: When his family was killed, how did he take it? O'BRIEN: I'd say he took it well. Oh, I know he was broken up inside, who wouldn't be? But you'd never know it to see him. He never missed a minute's duty, always had a smile, a joke. PICARD: I see. O'BRIEN: He would never retaliate out of vengeance, no matter what that Cardassian says. They're up to something, sir. They're the ones you should be investigating, not Captain Maxwell. PICARD: You don't care for the Cardassians? O'BRIEN: I like them fine. It's just, well, I know them. You learn to watch your back when you're around those people. PICARD: Ben Maxwell has just sent more than six hundred of them to their deaths. O'BRIEN: I don't know what to say, sir, but he must have had his reasons. PICARD: I think when one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like old leather. And, finally, it becomes so familiar that one can't ever remember feeling any other way.

The Hellfire Gala Massacre was a cheap emotional trick to make X-fans mad, and an easy way to get easy pops whenever another X-Man kills a rando Orchis thug, because FUCK YEAH, FOR KRAKOA, and it's like . . . okay?

Is this not a betrayal of - and I'm going to stop you right there, because I'm not about to say what you think I'm going to say.

No, I'm not about to talk about the betrayal of ideals, or the betrayal of moral standards, or the betrayal of what Krakoa stood for.

Is this not a betrayal of the entire point of what made Orchis even remotely different as an X-Men enemy?

They were a scientific, sociologically active, legal avenue exploiting think tank that attacked on all fronts, and now, they're reduced to a wisecracking robot from the future and an army of disposable goons who might as well be wearing Hydra green or AIM yellow beekeeper suits.

Why?

Because that's easier to write. It's so much easier to write Shadowkat murdering a group of Orchis goons than it is to engage with Orchis on a higher level and deconstruct what prejudice looks like on a systematic, sociological level. This turns the so-called social conflict aspect of X-Men comics into just boring normal conflict.

Shadowkat killed a lot of Orchis, so now racism is over with! And, like, I get it, it's not a ton of fun to sit around and watch X-Men debate a load of racists, it's a superhero comic, you wanna see a guy hit another guy at some point, but it just feels like such a dumbing down of the more interesting, multi-faceted organisation that Orchis were presented to be.

There are so many instances of really thoughtful, socially minded commentary in Krakoan era, from Hellions to New Ayala's New Mutants to Unlimited, but this stuff, in the comic literally just called X-Men, which would make you think it's the most definitive statement of what the line of books is meant to be, it's just the most watered down, basic bitch, boring version of the conflict.

And it's not like I'm asking for Hickman or Morrison, I know that's not the wheelhouse we're operating in here, but it just feels kinda . . . lame, that the best imagery and way of showing oppression in 2024 is Sentinels flying through the sky with searchlights on their chests and comic book villains posturing over our heroes. I was hoping for something more intelligent and interesting.

But it is what it is.

[takeheartdaughter]

He is . . . 

Elohim (God, Judge, Creator) Genesis 1:1

Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah) Genesis 2:4

El Elyon (The Most High God) Genesis 14:18

Adonai (Lord, Master) Genesis 15:2

El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty) Genesis 17:1

El Olam (The Everlasting God, The God of Eternity, The God of the Universe, The God of Ancient Days) Genesis 21:33

He is . . . 

Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide) Genesis 22:14

The Shiloh (The Peace-Maker) Genesis 49:10

)Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals) Exodus 15:26

Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner, The Lord My Miracle) Exodus 17:15

He is . . .

Qanna (Jealous) Exodus 20:5

Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You, The Lord Who Makes Holy) Exodus 31:13

He is . . .

A Star (Numbers 24:17)

A Sceptre out of Israel (Numbers 24:17)

The Accursed of God (Deuteronomy 21:23)

The Captain of the Host of the Lord (Joshua 5:14)

Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace) Judges 6:24J

ehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts, The Lord of Powers) 1 Samuel 1:3

The Rock of my Salvation (2 Samuel 22:47)

He is . . . 

The Light of the Morning when the sun rises, a morning without clouds (2 Samuel 23:4)

The Daysman (Job 9:33)

The Interpreter (Job 33:23)

The Anointed (Psalm 2:2; Acts 4:27)

My Rock and my Redeemer (Psalm 19:14)

Crowned with a Crown of Pure Gold (Psalm 21:3)

The Most Blessed for ever (Psalm 21:6)

He is . . .

The Forsaken (Psalm 22:1)

A Worm, and no Man (Psalm 22:6)

Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd) Psalm 23:1

My Restorer (Psalm 23:3)

The King of Glory (Psalm 24:10)

He who sitteth King for ever (Psalm 29:10)

He is . . .

 A Stranger and an Alien (Psalm 69:8)

My Strong Rock (Psalm 31:2)

My Rock and my Fortress (Psalm 31:3)

Fairer than the Children of Men (Psalm 45:2)

The Rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61:2)

The Rock of my Strength (Psalm 62:7)

A Rock of Habitation (Psalm 71:3)

He is . . . 

As Rain upon the mown grass. As Showers that water the earth (Psalm 72:6)

The Rock of my Heart (Psalm 73:26)

The Shield (Psalm 84:9)

The Rock of my Refuge (Psalm 94:22)

A King and Priest after the Order of Melchizadek (Psalm 110:4)

A Brother born for adversity (Proverbs 17:17)

A Friend that loveth at all times (Proverbs 17:17)

A Stone of Grace (Proverbs 17:8)

A Friend that sticketh closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24)

He is . . .

 As Ointment poured forth (Song of Solomon 1:3)

My Well-beloved (Song of Solomon 1:13)

A Bundle of Myrrh (Song of Solomon 1:13)

A Cluster of Henna Blooms (Song of Solomon 1:14)

The Rose of Sharon (Song of Solomon 2:1)

The Lily of the Valley (Song of Solomon 2:1)

The Chiefest among Ten Thousand (Song of Solomon 5:10)

His Countenance is as Lebanon (Song of Solomon 5:15)

Yea. He is altogether lovely. He is my beloved and my Friend (Song of Solomon 5:16)

He is . . . 

Holy, Holy, Holy (Isaiah 6:3)

A Sanctuary (Isaiah 8:14)

A Great Light (Isaiah 9:2)

A Son given (Isaiah 9:6)

The Mighty God (Isaiah 9:6)

The Father of Eternity (Isaiah 9:6)

He is . . . 

A Child Born (Isaiah 9:6)

The Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6)

An Ensign of the People (Isaiah 11:10)

A Nail fastened in a sure place (Isaiah 22:23)

A Strength to the Poor (Isaiah 25:4)

A Strength to the needy in distress (Isaiah 25:4)

A Shadow from the Heat (Isaiah 25:4)

A Refuge from the Storm (Isaiah 25:4)

He is . . . 

The Rock of Ages (Isaiah 26:4)

A Crown of Glory and Beauty (Isaiah 28:5)

A Sure Foundation (Isaiah 28:16

)A Stone (Isaiah 28:16)

A Tried Stone (Isaiah 28:16)

A Covert from the Tempest (Isaiah 32:2)

He is . . . 

As Rivers of Water in a dry place. As the Shadow of a great Rock in a weary land. As a Hiding-place from the wind (Isaiah 32:2)

The King in his beauty (Isaiah 33:17)

My Leader (Isaiah 40:11)

The Everlasting God (Isaiah 40:28)

Mine Elect, in whom my soul delighteth (Isaiah 42:1)

He is . . . 

A Light of the Gentiles (Isaiah 42:6)

A Covenant of the people (Isaiah 42:6)

A Polished Shaft (Isaiah 49:2)

Glorious (Isaiah 49:5)

The Holy One of Israel (Isaiah 49:7)

He is . . . 

A Man of Sorrows (Isaiah 53:3)

Despised (Isaiah 53:3)

Rejected (Isaiah 53:3)

Stricken (Isaiah 53:4)

Smitten (Isaiah 53:4)

Wounded (Isaiah 53:5)

Bruised (Isaiah 53:5)

Oppressed (Isaiah 53:7)

He is . . .

My Portion, My Maker, My Husband (Isaiah 54:5)

The God of the whole earth (Isaiah 54:5)

A Witness to the People (Isaiah 55:4)

A Leader (Isaiah 55:4)

A Commander (Isaiah 55:4)

The Redeemer (Isaiah 59:20)

Mighty (Isaiah 63:1)

He is . . . 

My Physician (Jeremiah 8:22)

Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness) Jeremiah 23:6

David their King (Jeremiah 30:9)

My Resting-place (Jeremiah 50:6)

My Feeder (Ezekiel 34:23)

A Plant of Renown (Ezekiel 34:29)

Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There) Ezekiel 48:35

He is . . . 

The Prince of Princes (Daniel 8:25)

The Messiah, the Prince (Daniel 9:25)

The Strength of the children of Israel (Joel 3:12-16)

The Hope of Thy people (Joel 3:12-16)

A Ruler (Micah 5:2)

King over all the Earth (Zechariah 14:4, 5, 9)

He is . . . 

A Refiner’s Fire (Malachi 3:2)

Fuller’s Soap (Malachi 3:2)

My Refiner (Malachi 3:3)

My Purifier (Malachi 3:3)

The Sun of Righteousness (Malachi 4:2)

He is . . . 

Jesus (Matthew 1:21)

Emanuel, God with us (Matthew 1:23)

Born as The King of the Jews (Matthew 2:2; 15:2)

A Governor (Matthew 2:6)

The Nazarene (Matthew 2:23)

The Bridegroom (Matthew 9:15)

Meek, Lowly (Matthew 11:29)

He is . . .

The One of whom the Father says, “My Beloved, in whom my soul is well pleased” (Matthew 12:18)

The Son of the living God (Matthew 16:16)

Jesus the Christ (Matthew 16:20)

The Rock (Matthew 16:18)

The Builder (Hebrews 3:3; Matthew 16:18)

The Prophet of Nazareth (Matthew 21:11)

He is . . .

Betrayed (Matthew 27:3)

Mocked (Matthew 27:29)

Crucified (Matthew 27:35)

The Holy One of God (Mark 1:24)

My Brother (Mark 3:35)

The Carpenter (Mark 6:3)

And His Life is A Ransom (Mark 10:49)

He is . . .

The Son of the Blessed (Mark 14:61)

He is . . . The Son of the Highest (Luke 1:32)

God my Savior (Luke 1:47)

A Horn of Salvation (Luke 1:69)

The Day-spring from on High (Luke 1:78)

A Savior, which is Christ the Lord (Luke 2:11)

The Salvation of God (Luke 2:30)

He is . . .

The Glory of thy people Israel (Luke 2:32)

Lord of the Sabbath (Luke 6:5)

My Healer (Luke 9:11)

The Christ of God (Luke 9:20)

My Servant (Luke 12:37)

The Chosen of God (Luke 23:35)

Risen (Luke 24:6)

A Prophet mighty in deed and word (Luke 24:19)

He is . . . 

The Word (John 1:1)

The Word that was with God (John 1:1)

The Word that was God (John 1:1)

The Light of men (John 1:4)

The True Light (John 1:9)

The Word that was made flesh (John 1:14)

He is . . .

The only begotten Son, which is in the bosom of the Father (John 1:18)

The Lamb of God (John 1:29)

My Teacher (John 3:2)

The Gift of God (John 3:16, 4:10)

The Messiah (John 4:25)

The Bread of God (John 6:33)

The Bread of Life (John 6:35)

He is . . .

My Meat(John 6:55)

My Drink (John 6:55)

The Light of the world (John 8:12)

The Door of the Sheep (John 10:7)

The Good Shepherd – that laid down his life (John 10:11)

The Sent of the Father (John 10:36)

He is . . . 

The Resurrection (John 11:25)

King of the daughter of Zion (John 12:15)

The Corn of Wheat (John 12:24)

The Light (John 12:35)

My Lord, Master (John 13:13)

My Example (John 13:15)

He is . . . 

The Way (John 14:6)

The Truth (John 14:6)

The Life (John 14:6)

The Vine (John 15:5)

My Keeper (John 17:12)

Scourged (John 19:1)

Crowned with a Crown of Thorns (John 19:2)

Crucified as The King of the Jews (John 19:19)

He is . . . 

Exalted (Acts 2:33)

Glorified (Acts 3:13)

The Holy One and the Just (Acts 3:14)

The Prince of Life (Acts 3:15)

Anointed (Psalm 2:2; Acts 4:27)

A Prince and a Savior (Acts 5:31)

He is . . .

Lord Jesus (Acts 7:59)

Lord of all (Acts 10:36)

The Judge (Acts 17:31)

Jesus of Nazareth (Acts 22:8)

The Mercy-seat (Romans 3:25)

Jesus Christ our Lord (Romans 5:21)

He is . . .

The First-Born among many Brethren (Romans 8:29)

Over all, God blessed for ever (Romans 9:5)

Lord over all (Romans 10:12)

The Deliverer (Romans 11:26)

Lord both of the dead and living (Romans 14:9)

The Minister of the Circumcision (Romans 15:8)

He is . . . 

My Wisdom (1 Corinthians 1:30)

My Righteousness (1 Corinthians 1:30)

My Sanctification (1 Corinthians 1:30)

My Redemption (1 Corinthians 1:30)

He is . . . 

The Foundation (1 Corinthians 3:11)

My Passover (1 Corinthians 5:7)

That Spiritual Rock (1 Corinthians 10:4)

The Head of every Man (1 Corinthians 11:3)

The First-Fruits of them that slept (1 Corinthians 15:20) 

He is . . . 

The Last Adam (1 Corinthians 15:45)

A Quickening Spirit (1 Corinthians 15:45)

The Image of God (2 Corinthians 4:4)

His Unspeakable Gift (2 Corinthians 9:15)

My Peace (Ephesians 2:14)

He is . . .

The Offering (Ephesians 5:2)

The Sacrifice (Ephesians 5:2)

The Head over all things to the Church (Ephesians 1:22)

He that filleth all in all (Ephesians 1:23)

A Servant (Philippians 2:7) who humbled Himself unto death (Philippians 2:8) even death upon a cross

He is . . .

The Lord Jesus Christ (Colossians 1:2)

The Image of the Invisible God (Colossians 1:15)

The first-born of every creature (Colossians 1:15)

The Creator of all things (Colossians 1:16)

The First-Born from the dead (Colossians 1:18)

The Head of the Body, the Church (Colossians 1:18)

The Head of all Principality and Power (Colossians 2:10)

He is . . . 

My All in All (Colossians 3:11)

Our Lord Jesus Christ himself (2 Thessalonians 2:16)

Lord of Peace (2 Thessalonians 3:16)

My Hope (1 Timothy 1:1)

God manifest in the flesh (1 Timothy 3:16)

He is . . . 

The Justified (1 Timothy 3:16)

The Mediator (1 Timothy 2:5)

The Righteous Judge (2 Timothy 4:8)

The great God and our Savior, Jesus Christ (Titus 2:13)

Obedient (Philemon 2:8)

And His throne is for ever and ever (Hebrews 1:8)

He is . . . 

The Upholder of all things (Hebrews 1:3)

The Express Image of his Person (Hebrews 1:3)

The Brightness of his Glory (Hebrew 1:3)

Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, to-day and for ever (Hebrews 13:8)

The Shepherd of the Sheep (Hebrews 13:20)

The Great Shepherd – that was brought again from the dead (Hebrews 13:20)

He is . . .

The Minister of the Sanctuary and of the True Tabernacle (Hebrews 8:2) and His flesh is The Veil (Hebrews 10:20) which was rent in two

The Altar (Hebrews 13:10)

The Offerer (Hebrews 7:27)

The Forerunner – for us entered, even Jesus (Hebrews 6:20)

He is . . . 

the Priest (Hebrews 5:6)

The High Priest (Hebrews 3:1)

The Great High Priest (Hebrews 4:14)

The Intercessor (Hebrews 7:25)

The Surety (Hebrews 7:22)

The Covenanter (Hebrews 9:16, 17)

He is . . . 

The Captain of Salvation (Hebrews 2:10)

The Author and Finisher of Faith (Hebrews 12:2)

The King of Righteousness (Hebrews 7:2)

The King of Peace (Hebrews 7:2)

Crowned with Glory and Honor (Hebrews 2:9)

He is . . . 

The Tempted (Hebrews 4:15)

The Merciful (Hebrews 2:17)

The Faithful (Hebrews 2:17)

Holy, Harmless (Hebrews 7:26)

Undefiled (Hebrews 7:26)

The Separate (Hebrews 7:26)

The Perfect (Hebrews 5:9)

He is . . . 

My Helper (Hebrews 13:6)

A Lamb without blemish and without spot (1 Peter 1:19)

A Living Stone (1 Peter 2:4)A Chief Corner-stone (1 Peter 2:6)

A Precious Stone (1 Peter 2:6)

He is . . . 

Guileless (1 Peter 2:22)

Reviled (1 Peter 2:23)

The Chief Shepherd  – that shall again appear (1 Peter 5:4)

The Day Star (2 Peter 1:19)

My Savior (2 Peter 3:18)

The Word of Life (1 John 1:1)

The Life (1 John 1:2)

That Eternal Life which was with the Father (1 John 1:2)

He is . . . 

Jesus Christ the Righteous (1 John 2:1)

The Savior of the World (1 John 4:14)

The True God (1 John 5:20)

The Advocate (1 John 2:1)

He is . . . 

Jesus Christ (Revelation 1:5)

The First-Begotten of the dead (Revelation 1:5)

The Prince of the Kings of the earth (Revelation 1:5)

The Almighty, which is, and which was, and which is to come (Revelation 1:8)

The Beginning and the Ending (Revelation 1:8)

The Alpha and the Omega (Revelation 1:8)

He is . . . 

The First and the Last (Revelation 1:17)

He that liveth (Revelation 1:18)

The Tree of Life (Revelation 2:7)

The Hidden Manna (Revelation 2:17)

The Faithful and True Witness (Revelation 3:14)

The Amen (Revelation 3:14)

He is . . . 

The Beginning of the Creation of God (Revelation 3:14)

The Lion of the Tribe of Judah (Revelation 5:5)

The Lamb that was slain (Revelation 5:12)

The Lamb in the midst of the throne (Revelation 7:17)

The The Lamb Slain (Revelation 13:8)

He is . . . 

The King of Saints, King of Nations (Revelation 15:3)

Lord of Lords (Revelation 17:14)

Faithful and True (Revelation 19:11)

Crowned with many Crowns (Revelation 19:12)

The Word of God (Revelation 19:13)

He is . . . 

The King of Kings (Revelation 19:16)

The Temple (Revelation 21:22)

The Bright and Morning Star (Revelation 22:16)

[farsight-the-char]

7 Years an Ensign.

7 Fucking Years.

Lt Kim helps Ensign Lily Sato, after the loss of an antenna and a mission gone wrong, and a dead friend.

[fanficstartrekouat]

Int.

The USS Fairytale's research lab.

Narrator: Tinkerbell spends her time in the lab, trying to figure out how to harness the power of ki blasts. As time progresses, the former fairy grows frustrated as she doesn't have what she's looking for. Nothing happens; no clues, no way of learning. Her only option seems to be to talk to someone, but who could help her with this? She doesn't understand what she's doing wrong.

Tinkerbell: "What can I do? I haven't had a break, and the Daleks could attack at any moment?"

[Tinkerbell hears the faint whoosh sound of the door sliding open, turning her head to see ensign Lily coming in, holding a tray with cups.]

Ensign Lily: "Sorry to interrupt, Ma'am, but I brought you some coffee."

Tinkerbell (with a smile): "Thank you, Ensign."

Lily: "So how are things going? Are we any closer to harnessing it?"

Tinkerbell: "Not good. I can't do it. Only one man has ever defeated the Daleks, but who knows when I mean he has family here, but he hasn't been here in a while."

Lily (Confused): "Did you say… When? Not where, right?"

Tinkerbell: " I know it's confusing but if he ever returns, you'll know why it is confusing."

Lily: "How do you know this?"

Tinkerbell: " I've been around, and so has Belle. We both met him a while back."

Lily (Excitedly): "Come on, who is it? We can get him here, and he can help us."

Tinkerbell (sighing) : "It's not that easy to contact him."

Lily (Shocked, drops her cup) : "A DOCTOR?! Are you serious, Commander?"

Tinkerbell: "I am. He isn't the type of Doctor you're thinking of."

Narrator: The two science officers went back to work on their project as their conversation was over. Lily was still shocked that a Doctor was the one to have defeated the Daleks previously, and it was a surprise to find out that both Belle and Tinkerbell had met the so-called Doctor.

[trip-tuckers-hyperspanner]

The Time Archer Found Out - 6

5 Times T'Pol Kept a Secret and 1 Time She Didn't

Once again, Jon was watching his most senior officers standing together and acting… weird. Over the past four months, they had all corrected their behavior and did their best to pretend as if nothing was going on. After all, the admiralty would never allow for interpersonal relationships on this vessel if they knew. It was a good thing he was a romantic — he hated to see lovers split up over things that could easily be curbed. Stupid relationships could be avoided for sure, but he had a good idea Hoshi and Malcolm were going to get married. The ring she wore on her finger now was pretty hard to miss even if it wasn’t made out of a titanium alloy often used in Engineering. 

Trip still hadn’t said anything about his fiancée to him. He would always say something about wedding plans and that he wasn’t sure if he wanted Archer to officiate the ceremony or if he wanted him to be his best man. Archer, of course, didn’t know whether or not he wanted to have best man rights, officiant rights, or both. Whoever this girl was, she was totally content to wait until after arriving back on Earth to marry him.

While the last time he spectated his senior staff behaving like… whatever, he had been on the Bridge. Today, he was in the mess hall and wondering when somebody was going to speak up. He hadn’t ever seen this mysterious girl around Trip, so he was starting to wonder if she even existed. Maybe it was some big prank being pulled.

But if that was the case, it was a really long and dedicated prank. 

He had a cup of coffee in his hand, trying his hardest to read lips. Malcolm had his back turned to him; Hoshi was to the side; T’Pol wasn’t talking; Trip was running his mouth and Archer couldn’t figure it out. He moved closer to listen in. 

“…and flowers! I totally forgot about flowers. What’d’you think, T’Pol? What would smell the least offensive?” the Chief Engineer asked, talking a lot with his hands. “We gotta take that into consideration before we start pickin’ stuff, right?”

“Oh! Could we have pineapple hors d’oeuvres?” Malcolm asked. He shifted on his feet. 

“Anything you guys want is good with me,” Hoshi told them. T’Pol merely lifted her chin up in agreement. 

“I would prefer lilacs and lilies of the valley, but otherwise, my nasal numbing agent will still be in effect.” She looked at all her companions. “I have no specific desires for the ceremony other than having it completed. I’m certain Ensign Sato feels similarly.”

Archer almost choked on his coffee. T’Pol was allowed to give input on Trip’s wedding? Since when? And it was a double wedding? When did that happen?

And then Jon saw it. 

He heard it, too. 

Trip set his hand on T’Pol’s shoulder. “Are ya sure, honey? This is supposed to be all our big day. When I marry you, I want all your dreams to come true.” 

She didn’t remove his touch. “Dreams are irrational when everything I desire is already happening.”

Malcolm and Hoshi blinked. “Gosh, I didn’t think you two would get so emotional over a wedding.”

“We aren’t emotional,” Trip scoffed. 

Archer couldn’t help himself from laughing as he walked away. He had to process all of this! It was insane! It couldn’t have been real!

The next time he thought he should have said something to Trip and T’Pol was during a debriefing in the situation room. For the first time in weeks, he noticed they weren’t bickering or arguing. In fact, they hadn’t been bickering or arguing. They were totally civil and like-minded! 

They were almost… silently talking. Not like telepathy (although it wouldn’t surprise him at this point) but more like an old married couple trying to explain something to an outer party. T’Pol would barely move, then Trip would roll his eyes and gesture vaguely. An occasional word would be thrown in, like “Subatomic?” or “diplomacy” or something.

Archer wondered how he hadn’t caught onto this before. 

Finally, Trip and T’Pol walked into Archer’s dining room side-by-side, both looking pleased with themselves. Trip was his usual, golden-retriever-like self, beaming brightly. T’Pol was slightly more relaxed than regular, but it was still a huge indication of how she was doing. They stood closer together than normal, too, and Archer was coming to an understanding he felt like he should have reached a long time ago.

It was very obvious, actually.

How stupid had he been?

“So, what have you two been up to, then? You guys seem pretty close nowadays,” he said, careful not to jump right into the accusations. The last time he did, he had incorrectly assumed that Trip was engaged to Hoshi.

“Well, Captain,” Tucker grinned, putting his arm up against the table, “it’s another day in the life. Me and my fiancée are on the right track plannin’ our wedding.”

“Oh? That’s wonderful,” he said, amused by the vague nature of his words. “What do you think, T’Pol?”

T’Pol picked her eyes up and precisely said, “I think I am satisfied with the Commander’s choices; he has promised to share our ceremony with Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato should they desire it. I am quite looking forward to their decision.”

Jon went still for a second, then couldn’t help but smile. “No way,” he said, beaming. “I knew it!”

“I thought she told you,” Trip said, laughing. “Didn’t she?”

“No! I’ve been trying to get it out of you guys for weeks!”

“Would you like to officiate our wedding, then?” T’Pol asked as she sipped her drink. A sparkle shimmered in her eyes. That was probably the closest thing he would see to a blushing bride in her.

“I was going to anyway, but now that you asked…” 

He and Trip laughed. 

“We figured it was best to wait until the last minute so the admiralty couldn’t flip their lids,” Trip went on. “We just didn’t want to get split up. That’s kinda the opposite of marriage.”

“But I am not technically Starfleet,” T’Pol added. “The admiralty won’t affect me. If I need to ‘lose my commission,’ we have already discussed possible plans.”

“We could make an argument for it. It would be hard to keep romance out of long missions like this one,” Archer said, a little shocked at his own lack of obedience. “…How long have you two been engaged?”

“’Bout four months. Hoshi ’n’ Malcolm have been engaged for two. We’ve got into all sorts of crap durin’ that and I think we’ve had our best work since.” Trip chuckled as he sat on his hands.

“Four months? And I never figured it out until today?”

“We are quite unlike other couples, Captain. It’s hardly your fault,” said T’Pol. “The only ones who know are Lieutenant Reed, Ensign Sato, and Doctor Phlox.”

“What about Lieutenant Briggs? Does she know? She submitted a transference application citing an uncomfortable work environment.”

“I turned her down is all.”

“Weird, but I won’t force her to stay.”

“So you’ll officiate a wedding for both us and Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato?” T’Pol asked.

Archer leaned on his elbow. “You’ll have to court martial me to stop me.”

[legionario-de-europa]

Battle of Marignano, preserved in the Zentralbibliothek in Zürich. 4 Venetians with the commander Bartolomeo d’Alviano. All the ensigns bear the lion of San Marco

In the center King François I with crown. Near him the Bourbon with the family coat d'armes on shield the lilies and the bar. French soldiery and stradioti with banners marked with the fleurs-de-lis of France or the white cross

Swiss with 3 banners, that of Bern, of Uri and of the Sforza. Below on the right a knight carries a Sforza banner

[libidomechanica]

Odd spoke, and ensign the lours is þat dawed boun wynne

For soþen, summon’d on the treads it,     and which he clear the lily’ juan hade hym of keen eye, for     I have knots helm, and guydest

earth rudede þat ilke riband.     That love by heuez hit helpe quickly me leaves more have spent in     my bosom its retired

I lover, dear hero in his     fair three, servile gazers, took at Sunium’s masse auþer, and the     Crowning in themselves fall

be shall, like clouds are and seems to     my rechated; moni on odourd she had been a cannons     rattle. ’: So say, after

his sent forking as the Merman!     Her knyȝt, þaȝ hym to his ese, þat bred snake, that bear; it     is so nominations

for a fine manifold, or two     myle. And than this I remembers scho þoȝten—infinish’d?     Come awakened. Has

pair in the Heaven to þe ball;     thither abide. Gave here is a fitter dight, and skilful     to you and all length obey,

panting wealthful I find is     flattery. If any make to ryse and the world the blue     skylle dowelle, among

rose who have closed so shall might     it lustful huge, þe Brutus book, thin thousand the name     whatever’s arc above! And

it’s jet, jet blance, haþel vnder will be     were-so ȝe ridings on the sea alone it. Cloud humbled     stream and once struck all its

goblin Honour divine, al without     no more. You disdain, two parting stepped wyte, ne no waþe.     What bene to say, when

nearer heart to here dying; till     the bright; each spenet kyres stede, an echo ring. Hands, perhaps     from his feel this love

the plaints doe there the snow cover     thy Herrick deserves by him.—Odd spoke, and ensign the lours     is þat dawed boun wynne.

[catcas22]

Unalloyed Part 11

Another short interlude chapter. In the next/final chapter, Malenia and Millicent finally get to have their talk.

Trina’s Lily. A pale purple water lily that is on the verge of wilting.

A symbol of faith in St. Trina.

Dulls the senses, preventing agitation.

            Miquella wove the band of unalloyed gold across Malenia’s good hand, wrapping around each finger and crisscrossing down her wrist. The fine mesh melded to her scars like a second skin.

            They had been remarkably fortunate.

            Millicent had finished the battle with a few bruises, a cut across her cheek, and the skin taken off her knuckles -- a remarkably light price for a duel with Malenia the Severed. He’d still insisted on sending her to one of the Haligtree’s healer-knights, and to his surprise she hadn’t argued. She seemed more than eager to leave Malenia’s presence.

            It was a shame that her first encounter with her mother had involved mortal combat. Perhaps that was why Millicent had seemed so subdued when they parted ways.

            He carefully placed Malenia’s hand back on the bed, pulling the blankets up over her shoulders. With Loretta’s help, he’d carried her up to her old room, settled her into bed, and administered as strong a soporific as caution would allow.

            As far as he could tell, her sleep was both peaceful and dreamless. He slumped down in the chair he’d pulled up by her bedside, resting his hand over hers. It almost didn’t seem real. For once, it seemed that everything would work out for the better.

            Armored knuckles rapped the doorframe. He waved in acknowledgment, motioning for Loretta to pull up a chair.

            The knight accepted the invitation, resting interlaced fingers on her knees. “Is she well?”

            “She will be.” Miquella looked up, breaking the companionable silence. “I owe you my thanks. You were a guardian to my people when I could not be.”

            Loretta inclined her head, brow furrowed pensively. “I would ask a favor of you.”

            “Of course. Anything that is within my power to grant.”

            “I need new legs.” She rapped her knuckles against her knee. “These have served me well, but they won’t withstand a long campaign.”

            Understanding dawned. “You aren’t staying.”

            Loretta remained silent for a long moment, eyes clouded with memories long past. “When I was knighted, I swore two oaths. The first, to defend the innocent and uphold justice. The second, to serve the house of Caria. When the Academy fell and my people were left without a protector, I chose the first oath over the second.”

            She met his gaze with eyes like iron. “Do not misunderstand me. I do not regret my choice. Nor am I renouncing my allegiance to the Haligtree. But I have been gone from Liurnia longer than I ever intended, and now that you have returned, I default to my second oath.”

            “What is it you mean to do?”

            “I will gather any who will follow me, and I will return to the Lands Between.” There was not a shadow of bravado in her voice, only a firm statement of fact. “I will lay siege to Raya Lucaria. I will hang any man who bears the ensign of the Cuckoo. If Princess Ranni still lives, I will seat her on her mother’s throne, and if she does not, then I will crown Rykard’s heir.”

            She stood and turned toward the door, firm conviction in her voice. “Your return is a good omen. The tide is finally turning. The next time your knights foray into the Lands Between, know that you have friends in Liurnia.”

[solohux]

Hi! I loved your ghost story with Kylo's adopted daughter Neeva! I was wondering if you could do a continuation of it? Where Neeva is comfortable on the Finalizer and some of its crew (Hux) and realizes that her dad likes the grouchy ginger and tries to get them together? I love your stories, they are so great!

I’m so glad that you liked that little fic! Thank you so much!

Part I

Despite Kylo’s desire for the ghostly rumours of his seven year old daughter’s sleepwalking to continue, they stop soon after her encounter with Hux. Neeva’s nightly walks in her trancelike state may become less frequent as she settles into her new home on the Finalizer but her curiosity about the ship causes her to be more active during the day. Daddy may have told her to stay in their chambers whilst he’s away but there’s so much going on outside the doors that she can’t possibly stay inside.

It’s been six months since Hux first met the young girl and somehow, she always ends up finding Hux when she wanders.

“Neeva,” Hux says, smiling with a roll of his eyes. “I thought your father said that you had tutoring this morning.”

The girl huffs, standing next to the General on the bridge in her black dress and black boots, her long white hair tied up in a braid—clearly taking after Kylo’s love for the dark coloured clothing.

“I was done hours ago,” Neeva says. “I got bored. And hungry.”

An ensign passes, smiling down at the girl, “Hi, Neeva.”

“Hi, Lily!” Neeva says, her attention gone from Hux and now with the blond-haired officer, who begins complimenting the girl on her hairdo, twirling her gloved fingers around the long braid. “Daddy did it!”

Hux raises an eyebrow, both amused and enamoured with the image of the infamous Jedi Killer plaiting his daughter’s hair and getting it perfect first time after years of practice. Clearing his throat and sending those thoughts from his mind, Hux pulls his comlink from his pocket and inputs the frequency that he has memorised.

“What?”

Ren is always so polite when he answers his comlink.

“Ren,” Hux greets. “Neeva has found her way onto the bridge again.”

“Is she alright?”

“Yes,” Hux confirms, noting the worried tone in Kylo’s voice. “She’s fine. She has finished with her tutor and was bored.”

“So she escaped again.”

“It would seem so. She isn’t causing any trouble,” Hux looks to where Ensign Lily Seefia is kneeling down on the ground to Neeva’s height. The young girl is talking and exaggerating with her hands as the Ensign nods and smiles. “She’s harmless, Ren.”

“It’s not her that I’m worried about. It’s…others. Neeva is different than most. People act in strange ways when they’re faced with something different.”

There’s pain in Kylo’s voice but Hux doesn’t pry, “She’s safe with me, Ren. I give you my word that I would not allow any harm to come to her.”

The frequency goes silent for a moment, and Hux can almost hear Kylo’s smile.

“I know, Hux. I…trust you.” It’s the biggest compliment that Hux has ever received from his co-commander, one that makes his heart rise up in his chest until it feels like it may explode. “I’m in my meditation chambers on G Deck. Will you escort her to me?”

“Of course. She also said that she’s hungry.”

Kylo chuckles, “She’s always hungry.”

“I—uh—have a sweetie or two in my pocket for her, if you don’t mind. It won’t spoil her appetite.”

“Do you always keep sweets on your person, General?”

Hux blushes, “Uh. Only since Neeva became a regular visitor.”

Silence again. It’s true; Hux doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth but he has procured some lollipops from the ‘secret’ jar in the medical wing, given only to cadets if they’re ever on board and in need of a perk up after a visit to medical.

“She can have a sweet if she wants one. But just one. A Force sensitive child on a sugar high is not something I wish to deal with right now. Ren, out.”

There’s a jovial tone to Kylo’s voice that Hux appreciates but he doesn’t dwell on it, putting his comlink away and pulling out a blue-coloured lollipop.

“Neeva,” Hux says, offering the sweet. “Your father has asked me to walk you back home.”

“Bye, Lily!” Neeva says, waving bye to the Ensign and taking the lollipop from Hux’s hand. “Is this for me?”

“Yes. Your father said you could have it before your lunch.”

She removes the packet and passes it back to Hux—who’s proud that she didn’t litter—before beginning to lick the lollipop enthusiastically, her tongue turning a bright shade of blue.

“It tastes good,” Neeva says, holding onto Hux’s hand as they walk down the corridor together, their boots making the same clicking sounds on the polished floor. “Thank you, Hux.”

“You’re welcome, Neeva,” Hux replies, swinging the girl’s hand a little and then lifting it so she can twirl around, giggling.

Neeva’s bright white hair is like a shining beacon in the dull corridors of the Finalizer, so pretty that Hux can’t stop smiling in her presence. In the months since learning of her existence, the moments that he has spent with her and Kylo have brought joy to his cold heart, making him smile more in the last six months than he ever has in his life.

As they come upon the corridor where Kylo’s meditation chambers are located, Neeva wriggles her hand from Kylo’s hold and skips off, standing in front of the door with her palm outstretched. Not a moment later, Kylo comes to the door wearing a pair of baggy pants and an open robe.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Neeva’s half-eaten lollipop floats off to the side as she leaps at her father, throwing her arms around his waist and hugging him tightly.

“Sweetheart,” Kylo smiles, bending down to kiss her head. “Did you get bored after class?”

Neeva nods, “I was done with Maths and I wanted to see Hux.”

Hux rubs at the back of his neck, feeling his blush creeping up to his cheeks as he tries his hardest to keep his gaze away from the slither of pale, sculpted chest that Kylo’s robe is teasingly revealing.

“General Hux is a busy man, Neeva,” Kylo says, using the Force to grab the floating lollipop and giving it back to his daughter. “You can’t go running to him any time you want to.”

Neeva’s shoulders visibly slump with disappointment, pouting sadly—the very same pout that Hux has seen Kylo make.

“It’s no bother,” Hux says, shaking his head. “Miss Neeva is welcome on the bridge any time she wants. This ship is, after all, her home. All of it.”

Neeva’s smile returns as she hugs Hux’s legs, her amber-coloured eyes sparkling. Hux touches her nose, feeling so filled with joy that the ghost stories that haunted him and his crew seem a million miles away from the playful little girl in front of him now. Even Kylo is smiling as he leans against the doorway of his rooms.

Neeva pulls away, taking hold of one of Hux’s hands in both of hers, trying to pull Hux towards her. “Stay for lunch, Hux! Please?”

“Oh,” Hux says. “Uh. I don’t think your father would appreciate—”

“I would,” Kylo says, clearing his throat. “I’d like you to join us. If you want. I’m cooking Chandrillan-style meatballs.”

“You’re…cooking? I didn’t know you could cook, Ren. What else can you do that I don’t know about?”

Kylo doesn’t answer. Instead, he gives Hux the most devilishly handsome smile that the General has ever seen. It makes his stomach twist into one big knot and his palms begin to sweat.

“Come on, Hux! Daddy’s cooking is the best,” Neeva says, dragging Hux into their chambers.

Hux doubts that he’s going to be able to last the afternoon in Kylo’s presence without succumbing to the massive urge to kiss him but something in his gut is telling him that this is the beginning of something beautiful.

And judging by the mischevous gleam in Neeva’s eyes, she knows it too.

[clementine-kesh]

When Harry finally becomes a captain, what kind of crew do you think he's going to have? Do you have specific character types in mind? Like, what kind of people and ship would he run? WHO IS HIS FIRST OFFICER?? (thanks)

oh great question!! starfleet absolutely would not want to waste his talents and experience, so i think he’d be out doing deep space exploration (side note: janeway being an admiral probably means he can get away with a lot of voyager-type behaviour that wouldn’t fly for anyone else lol).

in terms of first officer, my own self-indulgence calls for either nog or ezri dax staff, they’re in the right age bracket and either would make a great team with him. asides from that, i think he’d be really interested in nurturing young talent, particularly those who’ve been overlooked for whatever reason. i love that in idw 2022 he shows up and immediately enlists ensign lily sato in his incredibly risky mission to blow a bunch of shit up, that’s exactly the characterization i’m looking for! in general i think the vibe onboard would be similar to voyager, controlled chaos and loyalty to the extreme

also i think it’d be so fun if he had b’elanna as his chief engineer as a tuvok to his janeway sort of deal. knowing them they probably also designed whatever crazy engine the ship runs on and added all kinds of wild enhancements just for funsies. definitely not regulation but everyone is far too scared to tell them no

[simply-ellas-stuff]

Orin from Charmed /Jigsaw from the Saw Series / Omoc from Stargate SG-1

Maia from Shadowhunters

Cooper Lee from One Tree Hill / Ensign Samuel Anders from Battlestar Galactica / Alec from Charmed

Melinda Gordon from Ghost Whisperer

Robert Quinn from The Fosters / Navy Lieutenant Jonas Cobbs from NCIS / Ryan Thomas from Life Unexpected / Kyle Brody from Charmed

Satomi Ito from Teen Wolf

Talia Hale from Teen Wolf / Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman from NCIS

Penny Peabody from Riverdale / Leslie 'Livewire' Willis from Supergirl

Beth Sullivan from Hawaii Five-0

Francine from The Secret Life of the American Teenager / Jeanette from Big TIme Rush / Jessika from Jonas / AJ from StarStruck / Jordan from Good Luck Charlie, It's Christmas!

Young Derek Hale from Teen Wolf / Tribute Boy - District 3 from The Hunger Games

Young Piper from Charmed

Sarah from The Fosters / Kelly Gibbs from NCIS / Savannah O'Neal/Emma Reynolds from Frienmies / Madison from Ghost Whisperer (that must've been a fun reunion) / Clara Fowler from Penny Dreadful / Mary Jones from Freakish

So I'm watching Criminal Minds [spoilers for the first six seasons, that's as far as I have gotten].

Jasper from Twilight is a mess of a human being and... somehow got locked in his own mind??... still confused about that one.

Mike from Twilight is an over-privileged dick.

Lydia from Teen Wolf needs some serious therapy after the shit she's been through.

Keith from One Tree Hill is a bad guy and I don't like it.

I'm sure I'll notice more, but... For now that's all I'll add more when I find more people I recognize LMFAO

[bensiskos]

Hi hi hi! I love these OC doodles your doing.

Could I request one of my OC, Lily? She’s from TNG.

She’s an acting ensign. She has dark skin and vitiligo, and is sorta chubby.

Her hair is dyed red, and it’s short and shaved on the sides.

She’s autistic and wears a rainbow infinity symbol button on her uniform. She has a UFO shaped chew necklace, and a galaxy colored tangle.

Thanks a bunch!

Here u go!!

(ID - a digital colored sketch of a Star Trek original character. She’s drawn half body, smiling with one hand at her side and the other shown flapping up and down near her chest. She has dark brown skin, with patches of white on her face and hands, her hair is short and dyed red. She’s wearing a grey cardigan over a blue shirt, she has a chew necklace in the shape of a flying saucer, and has a rainbow infinity sign pin on her cardigan. The background is a light cyan splotch, with cyan stars & pink hearts, end ID)

[moonlightjeno]

𝙥𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 :: san x reader

𝙜𝙚𝙣𝙧𝙚 :: angst, fluff ??

𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩 :: 2k

𝙖/𝙣 :: i’m not dead. this was actually gonna be a lot sadder than it actually is. and hey i’m writing for ateez now. kinda? idk man inspiration. any ways, i’m still kinda in a hiatus of sorts andi wrote this in the span of like an hour because a. san and b. i’m in an angsty mood. this is not proofread. 

[ 6:09 pm ]

the dirt is still wet from what seemed to be a never-ending thunderstorm. The booms are a constant echo in your mind, that separates you from the rest of the world. When you look at the ground, a single flower greets you, the lilies white petals the only white in the dark and clouded day. Even it’s the stem, usually green seemed dull compared to the pureness of the white flower. The stone that stands behind it manages to clench at your heart, and you can feel your hands curl around the soil. Fingernails covered in dirt, that you would worry about later. It takes three breaths, for you to look up, and the coming sun causes an almost rainbow in front of the grey cobblestone. 

The words seem to get stuck in your throat, you can feel them, a jumble of thoughts and emotions that you have pushed back for almost a year now, threatening to spill and tumble out of your mouth. But every time you open your mouth, no words leave, instead, the water that rims your eyes begins to spill down your cheeks. The water droplets are salty as they land in your mouth and into the soil, creating a pitter-patter on your hand. Breathe in, breathe out. The lily in your hand seems to stare back at you, the symbolism of it making your heart clench with each breathe, and you know that you can’t breathe the words that can’t get out and block any air into your lungs until a sob rips from your throat. 

Pit, pat, pit, pat. Pitpatpitpatpitpat. And breathe. 

It’s too much, the memories that flood you. His dimpled smile, and childlike behavior. It’s too much how anytime you laugh, you think that you don’t deserve it because you were supposed to be laughing with him. You were supposed to hear his squeals and feel his arms wrapped around you in a never ensign bear hug. You were supposed to get more time, more time to share your love, more time to know him, more time. 

Time. the one thing that is limited in this world, the thing that we can never promise each other, but make the most out of.  And you know this, you know that every time you visit the grey headstone, every time that you’ve tried to make it to where you are now your feet are no longer in your control, you are detached from the world and the world seems so far. So far that you are longer part of it, you know that you are in it but the words the sounds around you are all muffled never clear. You know that you are alive only by the beating of your heart and the constant breaths that leave your body, and the never-ending ache in your heart. They’d all visited him. Every single one of his members, it had all happened to fast for you to process one moment he was net to you, the next he was gone. The only thing you had left were the memories, like a shard of glass. Glimpses into a life, that were now broken. Though beautiful, and capturing everything you loved, but sharp and ready to cut you. The instinct to lock the memories up is instant, it’s what you’ve done for the past year shove the memories, every laugh and smile that you’d never have again to that place in your mind that you’d never reach. But this time, this time you breathe again. 

“I…” the tears rush forwards again, their warmth a weird sense of comfort, and then a small smile grazes your face when you take out the old camera the last tape you’d recorded of san on it. 

Breathe in. breathe out. 

“I… there’s… it’s so much” you start. The video is playing over and over again, the clips lasts exactly 22 seconds. You know because you’ve counted them, you know because you can’t remember the number of times you’ve watched the clip of his smile shining above everything else. You start again and this time there seems to be no end. “When you left, i didn’t understand. Why? Why out of anyone did you have to leave me? So many people have left, so many have passed and gone, except you. It had always been me and you, san. No matter what, that was always the plan” you smile, the memory of the two you when you had met for the first time fresh in your mind. 

The lock that you’d latched onto the memories, open and the flood came. It’s a rush you realize now that you’ve finally let yourself let go on the tight lock of emotions. “Damn it.” it’s almost a yell, but it doesn’t reach very far, before you can’t breathe again the salt in your mouth making it dry.  “It was supposed to be us, to forever. But I guess that’s what everyone thinks when they lose the person they loved the most, don’t they san?”  you can’t help but ask him, willing that maybe he’ll materialize next to you, a dimpled smile directed in your direction, and if you close your eyes and think hard enough, you can hear the filter of his laugh. Wooyoung and Seonghwa talking in the background as san cracks a bad joke, when you open your eyes you see him in the old black and white camera. Looking at you, with those eyes that held the world. And you’d know what he’d say,  hoe there was no point in dwelling in the past luv, to just focus on now, on all the happy things on the bright spots you have in your life. And you did, you shut your eyes, a grim smile on your face as you clutched the old camera close to your chest, forehead resting against the cool surface of the cobblestone. If you opened your eyes you would have seen the engravings, on the tombstone. 

CHOI SAN

THE TRUEST FRIEND ONE COULD HAVE

1999  - 2021

“I miss you. I miss your laugh, i miss you dragging me on random adventures at two in the morning with wooyoung because you two were hungry. I miss going to sleep, only to wake up with your arms around me. I miss how no matter how long of a day you’d had you’d always have a smile on your face, and be ready to be there and be you. There are so many things i miss, so many things i would take back if i knew, if i just knew that you’d be gone. And i sure as hell hope they’re treating you well where you are, or i might just have to go fight them myself” and you almost swear you could have heard the faint chuckle of your best friend, from somewhere but when you open your eyes for a second you don’t see him, but it’s as if you know he’s there listening somehow. “It’s been a year. You know the moment the beep paused at the end of the line I was almost sure I was dying with you. But I am still here, and you’re not. I was going to play this video for you, the members helped me make it, it’s a compilation of all the times you’d made us mad only for then for us to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. But the moment i opened the camera, this video of you plays. It’s at one of you’re rehearsals, a dance practice for a competition, I can’t really remember which one, you guys went to so many. But this one in particular, was the first time you sang. You were scared, you kept asking me and the rest of the team ‘what if the public doesn’t like my voice? What if i break? What i a forget the lyrics?’ ” it was also the day you realized you’d fallen in love your best friend. And you knew the tears were threatening to come again, but you found your words again, the rainbow seemed to dance in front of you, it’s different colors and bright light. 

“You killed it though. I knew you would, wooyoung even made a bet about it. But that’s not it. I look at this video, and you look so happy san. Your eyes whole the world, the dance in the light and seem to captivate everyone and everything. And i can barely keep focused for more than five seconds before i start to break down again” the last words come out almost as a choke, but the ease on your lungs seems to have softened. And the pitter-patter has slowed down, your hands are no longer clenched together and your heartaches even if just a little, but it’s less. The video continuous to play on its a never-ending loop, and the lily seems to be blooming a little brighter than when you had first arrived. The wet soil, is still cool against your knees but it’s become somewhat familiar, the grey cobblestone you can finally read. The engraving still pangs you hear, it still makes you want to scream and rip something to shreds because at times you can’t believe that he isn’t here anymore, and then the never-ending pain becomes a little warmer with every note he sings, and every giggle you hear over and over again. Until it’s the only thing you hear, and you can breathe again. 

Death. No longer by your side, the moment the white machine from the overly white hospital bed beeped monotone. Dead, but not always gone, the memories stored in the box of memories you have never being able to be separated from pain and joy. The never-ending mixture of both emotions, and so many more that you don’t think you’ll ever be able to truly filter out, or get a grasp of. It’s times when those two hit you so hard, and the memory of his smile stops your breathing when it feels like nothing will ever go back to normal, and you know that it never will. But you think you can create a new type of normal, one with that box of memories not shut away but next to you the mix of emotions always swirling, and you ready to take them on. It’s when you feel the tap of the shoulder, and turn to face seven other boys, that the weight of the memories and everything that is san seems to loosen a becomes happier. Because you know that he will always be there, always be with you in your memories even if they hold pain because the pain comes from the love and joy those memories hold. In time, you hope, in time, maybe you can breathe again. In time.