#enjoy the cultural dump I guess?

[lesbian-elrond]

@bamidbar in Ireland! In like super tiny rural schools (think like >60 students in the primary school) so other places were probably different. We did have mandatory geography in primary school like some people have mentioned but it was mostly physical geography and geographical features (like how rivers and mountains are formed) or Irish geography specifically (and even that we didn't focus on long). There's two reasons why I would never have really thought to question this/why it doesn't really seem that weird to me even now after this realisation

The first one is that I'm from a very rural agricultural area, the physical geography and understanding of the land/nature was definitely more important in that respect culturally, but also just on a practical level, the vast majority of the kids I was going to school with had never and will never leave the county, let alone leave Ireland. We are a relatively traditional area, and you gotta remember Ireland is a post-colonial country, so people are very attached to their land and their homes and their traditions. It's pretty rare for people to leave and go live elsewhere (although it's becoming more common now), and most people don't have the economic means to travel internationally. This was also true of the teachers in the school. And Ireland is an island, Europe is tiny so this probably sounds weird, but here it feels like Germany and France and whateverthefuck are just as far away as America or other mythical places you'd see on the TV, it just doesn't feel relevant. I imagine this is quite different if you are at school in say, Dublin.

The second reason is that the perception one has of how countries relate to each other geographically is very different coming from a small island nation. Like until I was probably 15ish it was inconceivable to me that you could get to another country without taking a plane. I learned that intellectually probably at like, 10, but it did not click for me until I actually had to do it (to do this from Ireland requires taking a boat, unlike I guess in a lot of countries where you could theoretically drive from one country to another, in the absence of any man made obstacles like border checkpoints and whatnot. Technically we have a land border with the UK but that really doesn't count because that's just a border to a part of Ireland that is occupied by the UK). Even when I did end up doing it for the first time it really didn't feel real, as a kid/young adult it definitely felt like PlaneTM was the magical gateway between countries. So learning like, that Germany borders Poland or whatever was just not something that happened at all. We learned about other countries culturally (and there was a huge amount of cultural osmosis from the UK and US) but geographically not at all. Even now I struggle with that because it feels like a new concept to me - I've done a lot of train travel in Europe for work, mostly UK - France - Switzerland - Germany - Czechia, and it took me like two years of doing that for it to fully click in my head how they related to each other. Last summer I had to travel from Germany to Kyiv (long story) with a colleague and I was just fully like Jesus take the wheel, I could not have told you what countries were between Germany and Ukraine. These are things that I have either absorbed through experience (We went from Hamburg to Vienna, and then an overnight train from Vienna to Przemysl in Poland, and then a direct overnight train from there to Kyiv, but I probably couldn't figure out a different route without a lot of googling), or have actively tried to teach myself now as a 21 year old living in another country (I spent a lot of time on JetPunk.com lol)

I've been saying I'm terrible at geography for years, because other people seem to have this innate knowledge of where things are that I do not have/have been trying to teach myself from scratch as an adult. It's only occurring to me now that we were never shown a world map (or even a map of europe) when I was at school....is that normal? Did yous get that? Anyway now I'm curious

Pls reblog and put your country in the tags!!

[caldella]

Another post-Mastermind crack headcanon

RE: Vassago

BTW for anyone who enjoys this headcanon, I'm currently making it a fanfiction on Ao3! I'm seeing some people think maybe Vassago is Andre's ex, but I have another crack theory.

Let's say that Vassago is about the same age as Stolas, as I get that vibe. We've been shown that he's energetic and interested in doing things 'the right way.' And he clearly loves 'fun' things like music, and dancing, and even floats around on a fucking star shape. His name on merchandise is stylized like a pirate treasure map. Let's take a small assumption that Vassago grew up less isolated than Stolas and was part of “Goetia society” earlier than him. Like Stolas, he doesn't really gel with the haughty, holier-than-thou attitude parts of their culture. I'm also guessing that, a little like Stolas, he can feel out of place in it.

We know that once Stolas got his grimoire, he was meant to learn his role and join Goetian society as well. Let's assume he was in his teens when he was really thrust into the thick of it. Vassago has been participating in the 'grown up Goetia' society for a while, learning his role but also finding it disappointing. Stifling, so boring. Then this young prince shows up, nervous and socially awkward but so eager. He wants to participate, he wants to be part of things. And he's interesting! He knows all these random facts. He has books about pirates! Vassago loves pirate stories! Apparently Stolas' very first friend did, too, so he knows all about them! Stolas likes song and music, and he has dramatic feelings, and stars:

🌟His whole thing is stars! 🌟

Vassago wants to know this guy. There is so much potential! Maybe Vassago has a little crush, or maybe Stolas is an estranged half-brother or cousin he wants to know better. But Stolas is also engaged to Stella, who's Andre's sister. Ugh, Andre. Vassago knew that Andre was a pompous bullshitter from day one. His social circles are definitely not Vassago's, so unfortunately Vassago doesn't get to know Stolas extremely well, but he tries. He does see Stolas' enthusiasm dull under the pressure of Goetian society, and he doesn't like that it makes the owl prince more withdrawn.

Then Stolas gets married.

He still shows up to events when required, but nothing more. Even when he's there, it's like he's not. He does his roles, then he stands in a corner, sipping wine until it's time to leave. He acts like all the interesting parts of him never existed. No emotions, no info dumps, no theatrics, no song. The only time he sparks back up is if someone asks about his kid – he could go on for hours about her. Vassago doesn't know completely why Stolas has become like this, but he has a feeling that Stella and Andre have had some hand in it. He's miffed about that, but he's not close enough to Stolas to inquire into it. Stella and Andre's social circles continue to grow ("ugh" again), and Prince Stolas becomes more of a stranger as his wife and brother-in-law's popularity grows.

A couple decades in, and you hear Stolas might actually be getting a divorce. A Goetia? Getting a divorce? Unheard of, a surprise since he's never said much to anyone, but Vassago doesn't like Stella or Andre, so fine. Good for him.

Then Andre calls up an insane trial out of the blue that is supposedly about Stolas, for Stolas' sake, yet Stolas isn't there. What?! Vassago's not dumb. Something's fucky. He can tell Andre's bullshitting to some amount. But as usual no one cares. Everyone's eager to get this imp beheading over with. Until Stolas himself portals in, with his star magic and the most dramatic theater-kid energy anyone's seen from him in almost twenty years, and then he declares that he is going to clarify this entire mess:

🎵🌟THROUGH SONG🌟🎵 🕺

"YES!"

(Edited to remove info that isn't correct as Vassago is likely also a prince. And really, this could also work if Stolas is older, and Vassago saw him as an interesting figure to look up to who suddenly became withdrawn.)

[lavenderprose]

First dump of answers from this ask meme I was tagged to answer by @emmg. I'll be answering about my main Emmrichmancer Rook, Sigrid. If you'd like a particular question answered before I cycle through to it drop me an ask. :)

�� How old is your Rook? How do they feel about celebrating their birthday? What gift has meant the most to them?

Sigrid (Who we'll call Sigrid here and NOWHERE ELSE because she doesn't go by Sigrid and basically never has) is thirty-two years young. She's typically mistaken as being in her mid-twenties. Elves seem to, in general, age a little differently from humans. Also, lack of UV rays in the Necropolis probably keeps people looking pretty good, skin-wise, even at some advanced ages. See: Emmrich, Myrna. Johanna not so much but I think Johanna's been lying about her age for so long that nobody actually knows how old she is. Emmrich's 'Your're two years younger than me!' is just an educated guess and one I believe is a wild underestimation. NOBODY knows how old Johanna is.

Sigrid likes her birthday just fine! Did she have a small mental breakdown when she turned thirty? Oh yeah. But she likes her birthday and she likes cake and she's got a particular weakness for feeling special and recognized, so of course she enjoys her birthday. Emmrich makes a big deal about her birthday when it comes around and she tries to be modest but they both know she LIVES for that shit. She came from my brain so of course she's a massive Leo, even if Thedas doesn't have those.

Favorite present is probably the three golden bangles Emmrich gave her on the aforementioned birthday. She loves them. Didn't want to wear them at first, for fear of damage, but it's grave gold and that's just what you DO with grave gold.

🪻 What is the most painful injury your Rook has received? How has it affected them once it healed/scarred?

This is one that I haven't given much thought to. In one of the fics I'm working on, she's given birth, but that's literally only one of them and not canonical to Sigrid as a whole. I think she's broken her ankle. That one was hard for her--she likes to be able to get up and go. Even with pretty rapid magical healing she was off her feet for awhile.

🌹 What’s the first genuine fight Rook got in with their love interest about? How was it resolved?

Oh definitely the whole lich thing. Sigrid doesn't fuck with liches. She's aware of them as a concept and has made her peace with them being an important part of the cultural memory of the Mourn Watch and Nevarra in general but as for Emmrich becoming one? No go. I don't think that one truly gets resolved until the Manfred situation you see in the game, and even after that it's a sore spot for Sigrid. She holds onto some resentment and part of her wonders if Emmrich regrets not becoming a lich/choosing her and their family. He convinces her otherwise eventually, but it takes awhile. This is also a major theme in a fic I'm working on.

[good-beanswrites]

Could I request "cooking is an art form" with mahiru and presumbly orekoto? I read your Night drabble of those 2 and now the idea of a potential friendship has been stuck in my mind for days, that was probably the sweetest interpretation of him I've seen! Mahiru can't cook in the current state she's in though so I guess orekoto could act as her hands...?

Ah thank you so much!! I was so worried about doing Orekoto justice, that's so exciting you enjoyed 😭 We still don't have a ton of characterization for him, so bear with me, but I absolutely loved writing this. Thank you so much for the request -- with food playing such an important role in Mahiru's story/symbolism, and the pair's unique relationship, this made me so crazy to think about !!!

The knife twirled through Mikoto’s hands. He brought it down with a grunt. Emotion pulsed through his veins. He went back for another swipe, much harder than necessary. He wiped spatter from his face.

“You’re making a mess.” Mahiru observed from behind. 

He glanced back to find her scowling at the tomato he was taking out his frustration on. “Who gives a shit? We’re not on cleanup duty.” 

He wasn’t supposed to be on cooking duty, either. It was Mahiru’s night according to their usual rotation, but she was in no shape to do any physical activity. Mikoto must have volunteered, and also gotten into some fight about it, because now there he stood: angry at an unknown source, full of adrenaline, and worst of all, in charge of tonight’s curry.

“I suppose…” Mahiru said. “I think that’s Muu tonight, I’ll apologize to her later.”

It was unsettling, how she remained positively cheery as she walked him through each step of the recipe, despite her current condition and his bad attitude. Not that he’d ever turn his anger on her. Mikoto approved of her, and that was enough for him. She’d been going through so much at the hands of their common enemy, he wouldn’t say a single thing against her. Even as she tested his temper with her cooking instructions.

“No, no!” With her good hand, she tugged on the side of his uniform. “You have to turn the carrot as you cut it. Like -- yes, like that!”

Mikoto rolled his eyes as he did what he was told. “It’s all going to get cooked together anyways, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is! You have to take your time with things like this.” She placed her hand over her heart. “It’s about the process, not just the final product. Cooking is an art form!”

“It’s about the final product to me. I’m fucking starving.” 

She was briefly distracted with the next set of instructions, telling him how to combine everything over how much heat. When she returned to the topic, her lighthearted voice was laced with a bit of desperation. “I mean it, there’s something magical about pouring your heart into something for someone else. Putting in your time. A little finesse here and there.”

“I know what it’s like to do something for someone else -- and there is absolutely no finesse involved. Or potatoes.” He gestured to the cut pieces before dumping everything into the pot over the stove.

“One of the most universal love languages is food, you know? People make meals and treats for their loved ones in every culture, in every time.” 

“They do a lot of other things, too.”

“You went to art school, you understand. This is an expression of yourself!”

“It’s a waste of time.”

“It’s the surest way to help someone!”

“That’s a load of bullshit.”

There was a pause. Then a nervous laugh. Then, “yeah.” As she dropped into more uncharacteristic silence, he stole a glance at her. 

Tears poured from her eyes. 

“Mahiru?” Fuck, he didn’t mean to make her cry.

“It is.” she hiccuped. “I thought… I thought it could save him. I made this big meal… I thought… But I was so stupid…”

She buried her face in her hands, offering weak apologies for the sudden outburst. He threw the lid over the pot before stepping back to her.

“Hey, hey. Come on. Don’t cry.” It was a command rather than a comfort. 

She didn’t listen. She just continued sobbing and blubbering on. “It was all stupid, worthless… I should have known…”

He crouched by the wheelchair. There didn’t even seem to be anything wrong, they’d just been talking about food. Why was she such a mess? He gave an impatient sigh. No reaction. What was Mikoto’s nickname for her again? “Listen, Mappi --”

She snapped her head up to look at him. 

Her teary eyes flicked all over his face, making him scowl. “What?”

“Oh.” Her shoulders relaxed, though her breath still hitched. “Sorry. You said… and well… I thought you’d gone away. I want you to stay.” She took his hand. “You.”

His eyes narrowed. “Why?”

“Because you understand me.” 

He did not. Like, at all. But he kept his mouth shut.

Thankfully, she was too talkative not to explain herself. “You love someone very much. That love turned out to be dangerous -- deadly. And you weren’t forgiven for it.” She pressed her lips together, suppressing the wave of emotion that almost overcame her. “And now we’re both getting what we deserve for it.”

“Like hell we are.” He felt the spark of rage again. “Neither of us deserve any of this shit, okay?”

“But --”

“No.” He glared at her. That familiar fire rose up inside him. “I’m tired of all your speeches and optimistic crap. You’re always falling over yourself for others. You’re pathetic. This place is hell, so you need to get your shit together and act like it. You might be willing to forgive the others, you might be able to treat them with that stupid sweetness all the time, but no one’s going to do the same for you. Stop letting them fuck with you.”

She gaped at him. He realized he’d leaned in very close. He prepared himself for more tears, or maybe some cowering away from him. Good. Mikoto didn’t need people like her who would convince him this verdict was deserved. He didn’t need any of these people. It was fine to push them all away.

Mahiru surprised him by leaning over. Her head rested on his chest. “It’s hard. It’s so hard, Mikoto. But… I’ll try.”

His attention was quickly ripped away by a hissing behind him. He yanked himself away from her to run to the curry, which was bubbling and burning and spilling out of the pan all over the stovetop. 

With an outpouring of profanities and clattering of dishes, he cleaned the sad remains of dinner off the burner. When he looked back at Mahiru, she had dabbed at her eyes and composed herself slightly. 

“It’s okay,” she said, “I’ll pick something easier you can make instead.”

“Nah, I’ll make more curry. Tell me how much of everything again.” 

“A-alright.” 

His agitation slowly faded as she began her gentle instructions again. Though he had just tore her apart for it, he was grateful for her patience with everyone around her. He probably could have left, then, seeing how calm the kitchen became. But he wasn’t risking ruining the meal a second time with an unexpected switch. 

And maybe Mahiru’s words still played through his mind.

The food was back on the stove in no time. He stood diligently next to it. They’d lapsed into a content silence. He still didn’t know what had set her off earlier, but wasn’t about to ask questions.

Mahiru had regained her usual bright smile. “Hey, when I get better, I’ll cook something for you, okay? I think you don’t appreciate cooking because no one’s made something special for you before. I want to do that.”

He sneered. “Heh, sure. And I’ll let you in on my preferred art form.” His words were layered with sarcasm. By now, she could guess that included destroying things by putting all of one’s might behind a powerful swing. 

But she giggled, completely unfazed. “Well, friendship is about give and take, right? I’d love to try.”

[redredribbon]

finished act 1 of DATV (or I what I think is being referred to as act 1? I got through the Big Warden Quest) and I have feelings.

spoilers ahoy up to that point

this is a big ole thought dump I don't actually expect anyone to read but if you do, hats off lol

first: I think some of my previous critiques do still stand, but they improve the longer you play. I did feel a better sense of local culture as the world options expanded, and it was nice to hear an update from the inquisitor on the south. I still would have liked more of that in the beginning as we were establishing the world and the situation. I still think people are a little too nonchalant about the eluvian travel or you living in the Fade when the reaction to being bodily in the Fade last time was "we're going to destroy the world oh no." But it's one of the very few things that takes me out of the immersion.

Otherwise, very very much enjoying it! Getting into the meatier quests and lore is so rewarding and exciting.

One thing they do incredibly well I think is continue to pull you to previous locations in a natural way. They come up with very in-universe reasons for you to return to Arlathan or Dock Town even as the focus and bulk of quests shift to newer places. I like that those places don't fully unlock in act 1, too.

The companions are absolutely the highlight of the game. I adored all the previous games, but I really have to say, it's nice to return to a more underdog, equal-status group that truly does feel like found family. You of course get that in every game, but it really shines here, especially when you don't have the same differences in social status from DAI. Being able to find the companions chatting together in different places of the lighthouse, or talking about cooking rotations or their lives and habits outside just truly makes them feel like whole people. Again, not that they didn't in other games! It's just even better.

I love everyone so far. Even the companions I'm not super jiving with, I still really enjoy what they add and how they bring out different sides of the others. My faves so far are Taash, Lucanis, and Neve. Still planning to romance Harding but I am coming for all of them on next playthroughs.

Okay but can we talk about Solas memory book club. Like, I just love hearing them all speculate and bounce ideas off each other, and how their different backgrounds lead them to make different suggestions. I also think the animation has super leveled up in cut scenes?? Like I'm noticing little details like Lucanis flexing his fingers around his coffee cup in the background or Neve shifting in her seat to see someone better, things like that? They feel so natural and I love that.

BUT THE MEMORIES THOUGH. I could've guessed there'd be a romantic implication with Solas and Mythal, there were hints in DAI, and my roommate majorly called them originally being spirits so props to them! But VERY interested to learn they created the blight by killing the titans. Did NOT see that one coming, I thought it would have some origin outside the world. And this is probably just me but I love a good messy complicated angsty romance, and Mythal/Solas essentially being like "sweetie pumpkin will you please commit atrocities for me" "sure okay, I will now regret this for like 4 millennia and also trap part of you in the sand castle I made for you when I was sure you'd side with me" I am feasting, popcorn.gif, this is delicious

Can I just say? Poor Felassan. He deserved so much better. Also, because I'm me, I'm definitely reading Taylor_Swift_You_Belong_With_Me.mp3 vibes into all his notes about Solas ehehehe

I'm in general extremely loving that ancient elven life was basically Keeping Up with the Evanuris and they were messy, petty, dramatic, power-hungry bitches. I'm still riding the high of finding out the sweet innocent halla mom that we thought Ghilan'nain was is complete falsehood and actually she is the goddess of monsters. I'm also loving that Solas's pride manifests as him believing he's the only one that can fix and save the world, to the point he will STILL commit atrocities if it means achieving that purpose.

In other news, I have been obsessed with the Deep Roads since Origins, it's my favorite thing to explore, and to get to go to KAL-SHAROK???? I was freaking out, taking so many pictures, that easily should've taken like 20 minutes tops and I was doing that quest for like an hour because I had to look at every nook and cranny and take pictures. VALTA!!!! VALTA WTF HAPPENED TO YOU!!! Oh I am just so intrigued, so many questions.

I also just genuinely loved the Weisshaupt quest. Again, not to dunk on DAI because I do genuinely love it, but they really leveled up in quest structure here. I dread doing Adamant in DAI because it's just so long and tedious. Weisshaupt felt so dynamic, so raw and in-your-face, and it genuinely felt like your team was part of it even when they weren't with you in more immediate ways. It truly felt like you all went through it together.

I had kinda called the old gods being the Evanuris dragons, or at least having some connection, and having that confirmed was so cool, and seeing it in action was even more intriguing. I tried to guess which was which before launching the quest, but I was almost immediately wrong when Razikale showed up for Ghilan'nain when I figured that would be either Dirthamen or Falon'Din. Soooo excited to dig into that more.

Overall, it is drawing me in so much as I go along and I'm loving it more and more.

[sherrendipities]

we bein VULNRABLE on the KINK BLOG besties. mostly i needed a place to dump out some thoughts on gender and weird cultural shit and the things that led me to get into these kinks and why they've been healing. tw for non-graphic discussions of sexism, but it's really just feelsy, it's nbd

i'm in the minority of women into dykebreaking who actually ended up with this kink genuinely changing the way i think about and understand my sexuality, and outside of the context of kink, i no longer label myself as a lesbian.

i came across a post today on tiktok that was super fun. it was a saudi rapper with his whole crew, dressed in traditional garments and carrying the scimitars that are on the saudi flag. the video itself was delightful, the music was banging, and i bookmarked it so i can check out the guy's spotify when i have time.

it was a comment that really ticked me off. it said "no girls, no alcohol, no smoking. just vibes 💯". and yes i'm aware it's such a juvenile "ew girls have cooties" ass fucking perspective but it drove me up the wall cause that really is the attitude so many grown ass arab men are stuck with. and it was that comment in particular that really made me realize why i've always struggled so much to connect with men for so many years, to the point where i very much believed it was as simple as, "guess i'm gay."

and the phrasing of that really made it click in my head that to so many men, women are just a vice. this is something you'll find all over, but it's especially prominent with arab and muslim men in my experience. women aren't full human beings who you can laugh with, share stories with, be friends with, enjoy music with. we're a vice, no different from substances and gambling and other sinful things. we're something filthy, to be separated away from them (literally; i grew up in a very gender segregated country). our inclusion and our intimacy, even in a completely nonsexual context, is something that ruins the purity of the moment. we can't just fucking like rap or be full humans and equal participants in anything.

and i'm not saying anything novel or new. it's the same way that a lot of men all over the globe will talk about "the friendzone," because women aren't people you make friends with, we're objects you jerk off with. it's a very similar perspective, but i think this exact moment really made me snap because of the cultural context around it. these were men singing and dancing in traditional garb, and i was just vibing enjoying the merging of the traditional and the modern as well as the merging of black american culture with khaleeji culture. the vibes were indeed 💯!!

women are objectified all over the world. in the west (from my experiences living there), it's more so that women are something to be chased, used, then discarded, or chased, locked down, and ignored. the attitudes that i've seen from SWANA men has been that women are something impure and filthy that must be locked away. sure, you eventually have to find some wife, but trust me marriage in west asia is its own shitshow that i wouldn't touch with a 10 ft pole.

and in a weird, roundabout way, this is why it was so much easier for me to realize i liked women than men. even though i grew up in a horrifically homophobic environment, i knew from a young age that the treatment of gay people was dumb as shit and a problem of homophobia, not that the queerness itself was bad. it was easy for me to connect with other girls. i never questioned that they viewed me as a full and equal person, and eventually i ended up getting a couple crushes on them and i didn't judge myself for it at all. with my girl friends (romantic and platonic lol), i knew i was with them because they wanted me there, not because i was allowed to be there, yk?

the same can't really be said about men. and again, there's like... a million different manifestations of sexism that can make it so hard for a woman to connect with the men around her (not just romantically obvs but just as HUMANS in community together). this is just me dissecting one (1) aspect of it.

i think another part of what is making me start to really dissect this now of all times is because i recently watched khadija mbowe's video about the man vs bear debate, and she quotes bell hooks' book, the will to change. i haven't read it yet but the more i think about it, the more i think i really need to. for my soul. but anyway, the quote was:

"Every female wants to be loved by a male. Every woman wants to love and be loved by the males in their life. Whether gay, or straight, bisexual, or celibate, she wants to feel the love of father, grandfather, uncle, brother, or male friend. If she is heterosexual, she wants the love of a male partner. We live in a culture where emotionally starved, deprived females are desperately seeking male love. Our collective hunger is so intense, it rends us. And yet we dare not speak it for fear it will be mocked, pitied, shamed. To speak out hunger for male love would demand that we name the intensity of our lack and our loss."

and i think there really is so much shame around that because 1) a lot of pop feminism is centered around capitalist individualism and on some level it feels anti-feminist to admit this, and 2) it so often gets misinterpreted or belittled; either you're some boy-crazed idiot who needs to be more independent or you just have daddy issues (why the fuck do we belittle daddy issues so much i fucking hate that shit). but something about the phrasing of it (or maybe just the fact that it's bell hooks lol) made me think of it more from a hippie, commie, "the love for your fellow human is the most sacred and valuable thing in the world" perspective and it's like. yeah man that shit DO be hurting. it aint right to be so emotionally and even physically separated from a whole half of the population. and for me even though i have reasonably good relationships with my dad and brother, there's this greater sense of disconnect from my community at large BECAUSE of patriarchal influence. i wish i could feel safe and assured that my fellow countrymen would look out for me but i simply have never been given enough reason to trust arab men at large. this is genuinely one of the biggest reasons why i struggled with internalized racism so much for so long, and i often still do.

but all that said, i think in a weird way all of that fuckiness is why i ended up finding misogyny kink so soothing, and especially dykebreaking. beyond the fact that shit's sexy and it doesn't always have to be that deep, it also started off as a way for me to explore this feeling without having to label it one way or another. "sure, it's just a kink, whatever." for a long time i'd thought that small, very repressed pull towards men might just be comphet. for a lot of people that probably is it !! but as stated, i had a weird mix of factors that made me like this lol. the more i started to connect with men, the more i was like ooohh. it is not comphet, and it is not just a kink.

there's something very soothing, empowering, and healing about taking all those things that have stopped me from being able to connect with men and using them to form such loving and intimate connections. i love being treated like an object while knowing with all my heart that i'm respected and appreciated and i'm not going to be tossed aside. i love being treated as sinful, corrupting whore that tempts the worst impulses out of men, while knowing that the man in question adores and values me as deeply as i do him.

anyway, idk how to end this. i just be yapping. the moral is i love my Doms with literally my whole being and sometimes the most feminist thing u can do is slap a girl around and call her a cunt to heal a broken lil piece of her soul.

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

heblooooo 💖 gimme 1 and 8 woah for the ask game pleeeease

hi dream!! sorry for late response, i fell asleep sdklfjlsdjkf

cw for some racism mentions because i talked about my struggles with being abc growing up

send me some asks (✿◡‿◡)

1. what are 3 things you'd say shaped you into who you are?

hmmm, guess it's time to drop some kat lore LMAO tldr; my struggles with my mental health, fanfiction, and being a third-culture kid ➼ i struggled with my mental health a LOT throughout adolescence and then esp when i headed off to college. bullshit happened that i don't wanna trauma dump about, but i sought refuge through finding communities that also struggled with chronic mental health conditions. started volunteering with them and kinda realized that this is the field i wanna go into! so it provides me with a lot of motivation that i was really struggling to find during that time, which kinda pulled me out of a depressive slump (which is also why i'm worried that i'm not motivated for school/work right now because i'm terrified of falling back into That Place™)

➼ 100% fanfiction and participating in fandoms. i've done it since i was like 9, and officially began writing/rp-ing when i was 12 (coincidentally when the mental health issues started LMAO). to this day (obvs), it's my comfort thing. even when irl is hard, i can at least seek some refuge in the fictional world. ➼ prob being a third culture kid? i always struggled as a kid with feeling like i'm not "chinese enough" to fit into asian communities, but also didn't fit into "american" communities because i'm not white lmao. so like in adolescence, i tried to embrace asian stereotypes to fit in. that didn't go well. in young adulthood, i tried to vehemently deny any part of my heritage and insist that i was too "white-washed" in an attempt to fit in through that. that didn't go well either. now i'm able to embrace both! like the fact that yes i am abc, i (and other third culture kids) have experiences that are different from people that grew up in china and are also different from americans that have been here for generations that do not have any sort of obvious non-american/european heritage.

8. any reacquiring dreams?

i'm dumb and it took a minute to figure out what this was asking ksdjflksdf i'm assuming it's asking if there's something i wanna do that i'd like to do again but missed the opportunity the first time?? probably undergrad tbh. like if i never got involved with Certain People™, then things would have been so much better. i never really got to enjoy the romanticized college experience that everyone seems to talk about and i do miss it. or rather, i'd love to have those years of freedom + no real responsibility that my friends commonly talk about. i probably still would've realized that i'm not a partier regardless, but being out late and just generally having a good time and being able to let loose on the weekends would have been something i would have liked to experience.

[airandangels]

Watching S3E02 The Mandalorian, "The Mines of Mandalore"

My reactions and flagrant spoilers are behind the cut.

IS THERE GOING TO BE POD RACING

IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THERE'S POD RACING AFOOT

I see Peli hasn't got that tooth fixed, dental continuity on this show

I probably can't hope to see Boba and Fennec and Cobb in this episode, can I? The show's just going to taunt me with being on the same planet and not getting to see them.

nice flip, kid!

"Are you taking out Boba Fett?" Yes, for dinner and dancing.

(It feels off to me when people say BOBA fett and not Boba FETT. It's like the whole PEANUT butter/peanut BUTTER thing. I say peanut BUTTER and Boba FETT.)

"Spelunking? What are you spelunking?" I told you I'm taking Boba out.

okay, so you could just get a canary

and yes... this IS the droid with a bad motivator that Uncle Owen didn't quite buy.

IS COBB AT THE RACES THIS BOONTA EVE

IS HE WATCHING THE FIREWORKS ON A BALCONY WITH BOBA AND FENNEC

ARE THEY ALL WEARING FANCY SILK SHIRTS AND DRINKING FIZZY WINE

ARE THEY AT LEAST HAVING A GOOD TIME TOGETHER

WITHOUT ME

okay, Din sympathetically telling Grogu "I know, it looks scary" is precious. He's interacting with him so much more openly and emotively and it's really sweet. He's entered Full Dad Mode. We have only seen a fraction of his dadliness to date.

what a dump

I mean sorry about your cherished heritage and stuff but... what a dump

you know who you could've brought to help you with this mission?

someone from a MINING COMMUNITY

(someone who also prominently wears red)

this honestly does not bode well for R4

yeah he's toast

and now Din has Darth Vader breath noises

Troglodytes! Morlocks!

I love to see how bad you suck with that darksaber still, Din

listen, just because the air's breathable doesn't mean Mandalore isn't cursed

some pretty accursed shit went down there

(gestures in the general direction of Maul)

So he's just altogether given up on the idea of reviving IG-11? It doesn't matter any more that they were friends? Because he seemed really into that in the previous episode.

yep, figured there'd be Remains

ooh! and a trap

what the fuck is this guy's problem?

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD'VE COME WITH A FRIEND YOU BIG SHINY DUMMY

YOUR PLANS ARE TERRIBLE

I WOULDN'T LET YOU ORGANISE A PISS-UP IN A BREWERY

and from inside the giant creepy robot emerges... a smaller, creepier robot

okay, endlessly enjoyable to watch Grogu toddle (or yoddle)

and use the little he's learned from the like weekend (DEFINITELY NOT TWO YEARS) he spent with Luke

"Get to Bo-Katan"

he needs an adult and that's the adult you tell him to go for?

THAT one?

can R4 even understand Grogu? Do droids UNDERSTAND GROGU? Are we going back to the Legends thing that R4 is Force-sensitive (hence he blew out his motivator intentionally so that R2 would get picked instead) and they're communicating that way?

WHY DOES SHE SIT AROUND ON A THRONE

GET A JOB BO-KATAN

well I guess now you've got a job of sorts, Rescue Spelunker

"Let's get rid of him once and for all" "I want to be left alone" "I will immediately drop everything and go to find you on a planet where most of the worst events of my life happened"

Well, when I say "drop everything," she was doing literally nothing

Of course, I get that Bo-Katan must be horribly lonely and really very bored, but jumping into doing this all by herself... well, it reinforces the general, traditional Mandalorian lack of common sense, so I guess she's a credit to her culture

I do enjoy her swaggery walk, good walking work by Katee Sackhoff

More troglodytes and morlocks!

of course he didn't think his dad was the only Mandalorian, and it's a strange line. Grogu's met her before, together with Koska and Axe, and seen them fight (they rescued him from being eaten by yet another monster), so of course he didn't think that, and of course seeing that Bo-Katan is good at this sort of thing shouldn't be a big surprise for him.

What's this jerk even trying to do? Exsanguinate him? What for?

and at least Bo-Katan knows what to do with a darksaber (and since Din lost it in a fight and she picked it up, doesn't that give her dibs again?)

YET ANOTHER, SMALLER, CREEPIER ROBOT

there's just a little eye guy in there, isn't there?

well there was

what was he trying to do there? shall we ever know?

"How did you find me?" "Your kid." The one you apparently don't remember telling to go and find me.

the acknowledgement that Din is Grogu's dad and Grogu is Din's kid is however appreciated

it's not his fucking fault they didn't have your favourite soup where he grew up, you crud bucket

When she says "I didn't embarrass him in front of everyone," is that a reference to Satine?

Interesting how what we expected to be the big season quest, finding a way to the Living Waters in the first place, is apparently accomplished in episode 2.

yeah, naturally there's something ghastly in the water that pulled him down, it's like you idiots don't know you're in Star Wars sometimes

so Bo-Katan has to rescue his doofy ass again

is that a mythosaur? were they aquatic? somehow never pictured them that way!

well, meanwhile Boba, Fennec and Cobb had a simply lovely time at the races, got a little bit tipsy, all fell asleep in a cuddle puddle with Jolene the baby rancor

[spicedwatermel0n]

what would be the opposite of spicedwatermel0n? sweetcantal0upe?

The opposite of spicedwatermel0n would be a cishet ablebodied mf with a lot of slurs to say.../j

But seriously. Yeah that's probably what it'd be maybe??? But also it might be something like sweetgrap3s or sweetcarr0ts something, I don't think there's an exact opposite to watermelon or melons in general, but my best guess would be a different kind of fruit subgroup like berries, or any food from the vegetable group because many people consider vegetables to be the opposite of fruits

Honestly I half-assed this name. I needed a name for an account I wanted to dump my Craig of the Creek doodles on, and I just thought of some words and said, "yeah, okay". I recently found out that spiced watermelon is an actual food (could you tell I'm a white American?). I may be wrong on this but I think it's Hispanics who make and eat spiced watermelon in their cultures. I've never tried it myself, but it's pretty cool that my username is something that is enjoyed within other cultures. Sorry for the rant lol but I don't usually get much comments on my username

[loopy777]

of your own work, what story do you like the most?

I am incapable of picking just one.

It would be easy to just go with the story I think achieved 100% of what I was trying to do, but I don't believe I ever accomplished that with my writing. Likewise, I could pick a story without some flaw in it, but there's no such thing in my repertoire.

One of the more obvious picks would be my greatest achievement in terms of scope, Traitor's Face. I'm mostly satisfied with how it turned out, and my problems are mainly in wanting to do some light editing. But it's not a story I can experience the way the audience can, since I know all the twists intimately. I can't enjoy it as a reader, only as the person who wrote it.

But is scope the only measure of accomplishment? It's shorter, but I think the character work I did for The Avatar & The Fire Princess might be my best. It was definitely among the most challenging in that it called for me to push Aang and Azula out of character in believable ways, while also keeping them fully recognizable. And I think I did a pretty good job with that, although there are probably people who disagree. I'm also a bit proud that this pairing doesn't get as much fanfic as some of the more prominent ships, so I feel like my effort was put to more efficient use. However, I do think this story has its flaws, and it gets rather emotionally heavy near the end, so I don't find myself compelled to reread it much.

In contrast, I find that I most often reread the work I've done (and will continue to do, I hope) in the Maiko realm. Of those, I especially cherish Black & Blue and Flowers For Mai, as they are probably the most fun I've had with the pairing, and I find them both enjoyably rereadable, even as the person who wrote them. Although it's more about Mai than Maiko, I also am really proud of Samsara: Mai's Long Day for being a fulfillment of my long desire to do a Groundhog's Day story, and being a really good mix of serious character stuff and fun humor. I'd say these three stories probably best embody my skills as a writer.

But then there's stuff I wrote specifically for me, stuff that I think I enjoy more than the audience does. Of course, two of these stories are Maikka. The one that always makes me grin just to think about it is Now Kiss, because it is very uniquely of my sense of humor. Trapped in Yu Dao is another Maikka story and again satisfied a persona genre-desire, in this case a super-spy adventure; I also really dig the background worldbuilding and still want to do a sequel to it someday. Although it's not Maikka, More Than Meets the Head-Mounted Optical Sensors is another very personal project combining Avatar fanfic with a satire of the Transformers franchise, a mix that delights me and roughly three other people in the entire world.

But all of this is my multi-chapter stuff. I've written lots of short stories, and I think the freedom of that format allowed me to hit some real homers, even if their smaller size and impact don't make them as memorable. Of those, I think I most like this handful (although the list is almost certainly subject to change) for finding new perspectives and things to do in Avatar fanfic:

Irko Week - AU

Lioness

Gazing Above

The Chosen

Working It Off

Lucky Day

(This reminds me that I really need to port my older writing to AO3, now that I know how to mess with the publication date to put it in proper order. But while the AO3 culture is towards letting each short stand on its own, I don't think I want another 100 stories cluttering up my history. I'll probably just dump them in a collection and not bother properly tagging them, leaving them lost to fandom history but there for those interested in me as a writer specifically.)

So I guess all these are the stories I like the most. For now.

I'll probably have a different set of answers next week.

[afteraprilb4june]

Brain Dump on Permission to Come Home

There’s a chapter titled Permission to Take up Space. That one really hit home. It really forced me to think about this topic that I never really thought too much about before. How, in general, Asians and particularly Asian women, we have this avoidance to take up space. I think part of it comes from the fact that in many Asian cultures, being humble, keeping your head down, going with the flow, not making a ruckus, has been a survival tactic for a lot of immigrant parents. And just culturally, being humble, keeping your head down and working hard, is praised! Add on the fact that Asian women we're praised when we are obedient, when we're docile, agreeable and easygoing. We were criticized as girls, scolded and chastised if we dared talk back or if we were not acting “appropriately” in accordance to others. It makes a lot of sense why I always struggled with taking up space. I think part of it also comes from a place of fear that if I take up too much space, I am going to upset somebody and they're not going to like me anymore. This contributes to me always trying to be super accommodating and having a lot of anxiety when I feel like I’ve failed at that.

Growing up, I was always encouraged by my Chinese family to not take up space. Ironically, that was in direct conflict with the Western values I also grew up around. Because in American/western society, speaking up, taking leadership - these are things that are praised. Obviously, that changes depending on certain identities one holds, such as race, gender, class, ability etc. But for the most part, these things are cheered on I guess. My feelings around this topic of taking up space are complicated. On one hand, I can recognize and acknowledge and be thankful for all the ways not taking up space has protected me. Like I mentioned, it's good for survival. It’s helped me to survive in this crazy, crazy world. Especially in dynamics or settings where there is an imbalance in power, where I'm in a position of less power. Also, there are times when I actually feel good about not taking up space. Especially when that means I am allowing someone else to have that space. Someone who has historically been marginalized and not allowed to take up space. Those are times when I genuinely do enjoy stepping back and taking up less space, so that someone else who I feel deserves it can take up that space, if that makes any sense.

At the same time, I do have to acknowledge that my avoidance of taking up space has detriments in the sense of where because I've become so unaccustomed to taking up space, the act of taking up space becomes so, so difficult for me. It causes me so much anxiety, so much fear, so many difficult emotions. It's made it so that it's so hard for me to take up space now because it just feels so unnatural. And that's a detriment when it comes to relationships, friendships, and professional life. People can sense that and take advantage. And because I don’t take up space, because I don’t speak up, I just let things sit and stew inside me, which...just leads to a lot of passive aggressiveness.

[adhdvane]

Okay but the new gbf event, literally going to cry. I stayed up to read it last night (er this morning at 3 am), bc I was excited about it being a sequel to Together In Song. I loved Together in Song, that event fucking crushed my hear (also shipping Elta with Caro). This new event was SO GOOD. I LOVE CANTATE. WHAT THE FCUK WHAT A BABY. HER PASSION AND ANGER AND FRUSTRATION AND STRUGGLE AND LOVE. What a wonderful character. I really wanted to start crying when she was so happily and excitedly info dumping about violins and Selfira was genuinely interested and enjoying listening. I need to ship this so bad. Like, I usually don’t go to hard for ships that seem mostly wholesome, but god. You can’t tell me not to hc Cantate as autistic, like there is no way I won’t. I want Selfira to meet Cantate again and for them to make music together and fall in love and ;ojlhkgjhfdghjhjgfdsfgh

more under the cut because i take issue with some of the ending of the event and started ranting about it lol

The only issue I had with the story was the ending with the “see the price is important so your instruments will be bought by professionals who can play well and bring joy to listeners.” Like whoa, I’m sorry lol, hold the fuck up. Please tell me why conflating wealth with skill (and talent as much as I hate the word talent, bc it’s often used to overlook the hard work people have put in to honing their skill lol) is a good and accurate idea. Like people who are poorer are incapable of being extremely skilled in music, what the fck gbf? Like I get the issue of don’t price your skill so slow because you put so much work into your ability. Your skill’s have value and unfortunately in a capitalistic society money is required to survive. It is her profession. In a perfect world it could just be a hobby and I think there should be zero issue letting her give instruments away for as cheap as possible. Let her do what she wants. And it was important for her to learn that letting someone thank you with materials things is not a bad thing, and it can be insulting or hurtful to refuse their gift (and explaining that there’s a cultural barrier here too that’s causing the conflict, which was great). I feel for Caro about not being sure if pushing her in the direction to leave the island and sell her instruments will make her happy. It did selfish to think of it like but all that waisted talent. Like cool, but maybe just let her do want she wants? I guess the idea was supposed to be like, well she wants to give more people a voice and doing that and helping her reach her goal means spreading her work beyond the island. I guess there was some level of, she also really needs to price higher for the sake of not being taken advantage of??? But the story insisted she was really good judge of character??? So like I guess in the end I think the only reasonable reason that I think should of been why she should price her instruments higher is that leaving the island means leaving her apprenticeship, means needing money to support herself, and the prices she was trying to charge before did not accurately reflect the hours of labor she was putting into each instrument. Like the island mentions that price of material sometimes affects the cost but did not say anything about the time that is put into making an item. I think the first part of the argument that she should value her ability more was a better argument than, you need to make your instruments more expensive so random people who cannot play them to their full potential don’t buy them all. Because professionals only care about the monetary value of an instrument. And also only professionals should play her instruments that’s literally not what she wanted. Idk that last bit came off really elitist/classist. Like let her make beautiful instruments for anybody who wants them, like fucking boo-hoo people who aren’t professional are playing them which means its a waist of such a good quality instrument, like fuck off with that. Low supply and high demand meaning only wealthy people get nice things is fucking messed up, lets not pretend it’s a good thing. Especially when the person suppling wants to let anyone be able to play. It’s fine to put value on the experiencing of listening to music but trying to gatekeep people out of playing via price is still shitty, you know. I’d rather we didn’t frame that as a “good” thing. So yeah, I agree that she should consider pricing higher because she needs desperately needs to value her own work more (and just value a lot of herself more, sob). But I don’t agree we should just pretend it’s totally good thing that society believes that high quality = most expensive and that the people who can afford them are the people that deserve them the most. :\\\\\ It’s a complicated subject and I think gbf fumbled on the end in that respect but I give them props for the, please value your work, bc there are a lot of young artists who underprice themselves because they don’t think about the amount of time they put into a piece and the amount of time they spent honing their craft. (obv the real solution lies in paying people more, a reasonable fucking wage, so people can fucking afford shit. and not letting .01% hoard money and not put it back into the fucking economy because they underpay their workers and [froths at the mouth]. anyways... it’s more complicated then that but I’m not here to have the discussion, it’s just relevant to mention with the topic of this event.)

[chanel-007]

Hook-Up-culture is so annoying 🙄

༺♥⟡༻⪩⪨༺⟡♥︎༻❀༺♥︎⟡༻⪩⪨༺⟡♥༻

Okay, listen up. I need to get something off my chest, and honestly, I’m so done with it. Like, the way society treats girls for literally anything involving their bodies? It’s 2025, ppl - wake up. But no, srsly. It’s like we’ve all been living in some weird, twisted version of Gossip Girl where the rules are only made for us. Girls? We get shamed for even breathing the wrong way, while guys are out there getting praised for literally doing nothing. 

Let’s talk about this hook-up-culture thing for a second, because if i see one more girl getting roasted for losing her virginity, I’ll scream and jump out of the window. But let me guess, if a guy does it? He’s like, some sort of king or “man of the hour”, and everyone’s lining up to take notes on his supposed greatness. Like, I’m convinced guys literally suck each other off on a daily basis the way they act like the world springs around them and ONLY them. The only thing spinning are ur brain cells going down the drain. Why is that? Why is it that, in this so-called modern world, girls are constantly dragged for enjoying themselves and living their lives? Like, this is some sick joke. 

I know that some ppl are genuinely concerned for young girls that take their love life too easy, because they get easily played by other guys and this concern is basically just there to protect the greatness and godholy existence of us women, like duh, I get it. I’m a virgin too (spoiler alert!!!) But, let’s be real. If the roles were reversed and all of the girls who have already lost their v-card would be sitting here all day, shaming us for still being virgins, hell would break loose. Just leave them alone and if they think hooking up with every second guy that glances at their butt, the weird “friends with benefits” dude (Tbh, this whole “friends with benefits” thing is even weirder than hook-up-culture) or their bff or a random date like every weekend, then let them. Like, come on ppl!!! Let. Women. Live. They’re not committing some cardinal sin. If a girl wants to fulfill her sexual desires and not feel guilty about it, why is that such a problem for some people? (men AND women) I mean, who really cares? It’s not like they’re losing YOUR virginity 4 YOU.

Also, OMG, can we address the fat elephant in the room? Why is it always the girl’s fault when it comes to any of this? Why do we have to act like we’re all some fragile glass figures who need to be protected? Why do girls get called “sluts” or “absolute-fucking-cum-dumps” the second they hook up with someone, while boys get a high five and “you’re the man, dude.“ I literally cannot. 

So you know how boys get all the glory when they sleep around? Like, “Oh, you’re such a stud! Respect, bro, you totally nailed her!” - oh, okay, but the moment a girl does anything remotely similar, she’s a “disappointment”, “ruined”, or - my personal favorite - “damaged goods”…Bsffr. As if your ugly face (only a mother could love) ever had a chance with any of these girls anyway. 

Tbh, we girls don’t even go for looks as much as men do. If we do end up hooking up with someone (and I think I’m allowed to speak upon behalf of my fellow ladies even though I’m still a virgin myself) we want the guy to be at least emotionally or intellectually smart. Like, you need to understand us first before we can go any further. We need to know you’re not just a huge waste of our valuable time and existence because every minute that passes that we listen to stupid men talk absolute bs about literally anything because God created something pitiful we women should train on to be emotionally smarter, we lose another braincell every minute that goes by. Google it if u don’t believe me. It’s true. And the worst part about this is, it is also scientifically proven that with every lost braincell we also lose bits of our beauty. On one hand, it is totally stressing me out because HELLO??? Wdym I get uglier the more I talk to men? See, another thing we get blamed for. This is literally why I ignore every dude that could be possibly be my future husband. Not only until I’m married, but also, until I’m 80 I want to still be pretty so nope, thx. 

But, to catch up with my previous point, you men neither are pretty nor smart - so ur basically a double waste of our glorious time and absolutely-fucking-useless. So, to any guy who’s had the chance of sleeping with a pretty girl once in their mentally 7 years of their life, congratulations!!! Why don’t you hang ur art of fame over your headboard? Like, be happy a girl even gave you the chance to practice on (she obvi was drunk) in case another drunk girl decides to do the same thing (which I absolutely doubt but ok). 

And obvi, I get it. I’m over here like, “Wow, I’m so glad I’m not part of that weird, toxic hook-up culture.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ashamed of the fact that I’m still a virgin. Like, you do you, Boo Boo Kitty, but I’m keeping it cute. But honestly, it’s just so unfair how society literally piles all the blame on us, while boys get to play their little game and somehow win in life. 

The entire thing just feels backwards. Let’s talk about it for a second: whenever a girl is actually assaulted, harassed, or anything of the sort, the immediate response is “well, she was probably asking for it”, or “she shouldn’t have worn that”. … I beg ur finest pardon? What is this, some kind of freak show? Hearing such things all around the internet and in public whenever something happens, I literally want to rip every strand of hair out, take a fork and poke out my eyeballs and flush them down the toilet and paint a picture of myself after I cut my ear off like Van Gogh did it. Because what the actual fuck. Someone with a genuine mind of an intellectual genius like me please explain this further to me because I srsly doesn’t make any sense. (edit: I cut out my thoughts on this one right here because I ended up staying awake all night writing on here about THIS exact aspect and I realized, it should be another topic for a next time, because today’s blog post is about the hook-up-culture. Not why abortion should be legal. Everywhere. Anytime.).

It’s like, people say that if u r pretty or dress nice, you’re automatically asking for “it” because ur outer appearance is too inviting. So here’s my 2 cents: 1. NOBODY is inviting YOU anywhere or to anything. Just because ur walnut-sized brain perceives the sight of any woman you see outside as some kind of, what, target for your dirty fantasies, doesn’t mean that u r the victim here. It just proves that some of you are narcissistic, brain-rotten self-centered WHORES. Get a life - or don’t, Idc. [as]. 2. Just because you’re insecure and ugly isn’t our fault your families genes gave up on you bc they could probably sense beforehand that you’d grow up into the literal dickhead that you are now. So, your insecurity is totally justifiable.

So, let’s just wrap this up. Everyone — girls and boys — should just be allowed to live their lives without facing judgement based on their choices. Nevertheless, everyone involved in the hook-up-culture should be careful that they don’t fall into a rabbit hole.

Take care everyone!

xoxo, Chanel💋

[rosyd-mei]

maybe its because its the new year but im feeling awfully anxious

i look back on my lack of accomplishments in 2024 and i genuinely hate how i simply lost the last six months of my life to grief. i don't remember much in recent history other than frustration, feeling trapped, and a distinct sense of disappointment with myself for failing to accomplish anything of note in my professional life and regressing in my social life

in the past six months alone i was dumped by a partner id known for nearly six years, ended a close friendship with someone who suddenly started verbally harrassing me, moved apartments, worked 6-7 days a week with a 1hr commute both ways at a job that eventually laid me off, found out my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, was told of potential divorce by my mother...

i haven't found another full time job yet, despite having had searched actively for something that would pay me a liveable wage for the better part of three months. so there's that too, i guess

i started working out again but entirely for the wrong reasons. i cant look at myself in the mirror without feeling like taking a knife to my body and scraping all of my flesh off

i didnt read as many books as i wanted to

my issues with eating got so much worse. if i dont pay attention i under eat. if i pay attention i feel disgusting for eating more than 1k calories a day

to be honest things were already pretty difficult to begin with in 2024; it was my friendships and relationship that made things bearable. after i got dumped, the future i had believed in and worked towards was taken away from me, and in hindsight i guess i totally fucking lost it from that point onwards. because now whats the point of all this suffering and stress if its not even going to get me towards something i want in the end

to this day when i interact with content of happy couples- written works, pictures, drawings, anything- it ruins my mood. even ship content of characters in media i enjoy makes me feel unhappy and as a kid who grew up in 2010s fandom culture that really, really fucking sucks

i don't know. thinking of houses, a cupboard for mugs, shared holidays and marriage makes me irrationally upset. i cant look at the colors pink and green together anymore, either

i now have commitment and trust issues to top it all off. and lets not even get into my complicated relationship with physical intimacy, good grief

beyond all that, i am resentful. i can't believe they would do something like that to me. i knew deep down that they'd never once prioritize our relationship over their family but like a fool i chose to believe in them anyway. look where that got me

but beneath that still, i understand. and i hate that part of myself the most, the part that cannot trust them any longer and yet loves them still. a scorned lover, sure, but one who loves nonetheless. the days i dont think of them at all are slowly becoming more and more frequent. all five of my senses still remember them. i don't know how to feel about that. what was that saying about love and grief? maybe ill stop loving once i stop grieving

ive considered dating apps, becoming a discord kitten for real, anything to fill the gap. but these ideas never make it past the confines of my mind because any sort of vulnerability on an intimate level makes me feel like dying on the best of days, so buying cute clothes it is

but, hey. i always had my nails done this year and saved up a little bit of money

i hope i survive 2025

[secretcrawlspace]

Since this is also a place for me to ramble about stuff I'm not totally comfortable with putting on my main blog...also more in depth venting

I saw a post here that said something about "getting better by getting worse" and it really rings true for me it seems.

I've had this problem ever since I started puberty that I would be a horny little degenerate but also super purity culture pearl clutching type prude. It def had something to do with how my mother raised me, she dumped all her trauma on me as a young child to the point I became TERRIFIED of men (until highschool but that blew up in my face lol).

It became so bad that it would effect my relationships with people. I was like the CEO of random kinkshaming. I think looking back the only time I was justified was when I found out my ex was still looking up fucked up porn, ranging from problematic fictional stuff to real life illegal materials. Aside from the illegal stuff, I also think I was justified cause he was my romantic partner and someone I was supposed to trust and feel safe with. Though overall that's the tip of my own NSFL iceberg.

After the falling out between me and my ex best friend over a year ago, I decided to go down some rabbit holes and do some soul searching. I know me kinkshaming wasnt the full issue with out friendship, it's just I was a cunt and a traumatized one at that so I'd just lash out randomly so.....yeah.

Anyways, I'd never say this on my main blog, but I kept seeing this thing on Tiktok people were like "OMG DON'T WATCH THIS IT'S FUCKED UP!", so I eventually bit the bullet and took a look for myself.

I watched Alfred's Playhouse for the very first time, probably around this time last year I don't remember exactly. I went down a rabbit hole watching most of the animations and finding out about the creator. I see why people are trying to warn folks not to watch it/research it because yeah it is pretty disturbing and the creator is a whole walking horror/tragedy herself with her alt-right ideals and white supremacist beliefs.

I found a weird sort of comfort within the main 3 Alfred's Playhouse series, and even more so oddly enough with the Alfred Alfer movie. It's a weird mix of enjoying edgy animation, to a dark comfort and also a weird study of the creators mental states.

With that being said, I obviously don't support the creator for who she is now. I will never give her money, I only watch what was re-uploaded by other folks. I'm even avoiding saying her name. Idk what to say about the fact there's even a "fandom" but I usually try not interact. Most of the fans seem to edgy kids going through their own trauma, which is really sad! Also I really don't think kids should be watching or interacting with this but I know that's not gonna stop anyone because I was the same when I was their age. The fans mostly seem to be on the younger side which just makes me really uncomfortable as someone pushing 30...but that's the internet I guess.

I do like the art style a lot, both from the og Alfred animations, up throughout the movie era. Also I could relate to it in a lot of ways, especially still trying to heal from a decade long abusive relationship with my ex bf, especially since I broke up with him a few years ago and have been still peeling back all the layers of damage he did to me.

Finding comfort in this, I finally decided to give vent art a try, especially stuff depicting the traumatic event or how the event felt to me. I use to be super against this, thinking it was a way to only make you feel worse by re-traumatizing yourself, but now I understand everyone has different ways to cope and ofc the one I was avoiding for years is the one that seems to be helping me the most.

I started drawing furry art and made my fursona Bitter-Berry, the deer/wolf hybrid. The art of Alfred's Playhouse really inspired me and that Goretober art prompt list made me more confident in my ability to draw horror/gore stuff.

And ofc now because of all this, it also went into a sexual direction too. I found out I am actually into piss, dub-con, ero-guro, cannibalism and other types of shit. I just realized I don't really like seeing characters from things I like going through all that, unless if it fits (ex: Michael and Trevor from GTA 5), I sort of self-insert myself into those scenes or wanna see those things happen to my fursona.

I'm just saying, being in a 10 year long relationship with someone you abused you in almost all the ways they could on top of being terminally ill themselves and then DYING without you ever getting any form of closure will make you weird and form weird coping habits.

That's why B.B is a cannibalistic slasher who isn't an overpowered character so he can also be fucked up and temporarily killed. He's semi-immortal but still a weak POS. Hence that one pic where he's wearing a shirt that says "Easy to kill. Easy to fuck." cause it's true.

I just feel bad cause I found out I'm also into gross and weird shit and if me from 2 years ago saw how I am now, they'd probably try to beat me with hammers lol.

Also naturally I've always strayed towards darker things, clothes, music, pieces of media/art. A weird interest in crime but also paranormal shit. I found out at 19 I really liked drawing people mutilating themselves and other fucked up things but my ex kinda took that away from me.

I'm still a sensitive bitch but I also contain multitudes. I just needed a place for me to feel comfortable enough to admit all of this lol I have a nsfw twitter/bluesky but eh i don't like talking on there cause post limit and tumblr is just way more cozy for me, despite being broken af.

Anyways uhhhh....yeah that's all I got to say for this post.

[queeroamer]

We met up with some of our friends in SM MOA and we picked the remaining group in Greenfield and Tabang Exit. After several stopovers and some breathing exercises to ease my motion sickness, we finally reached the scenic town situated in the Cordillera Mountains called Sagada!

After hours of travel, we checked in at Bilza Lodge and Resto. It's a fine place to stay in with nice, warm people, a good mountain view and I remember there was a lovely dog too who greeted us from the front porch.

On the next day, we woke up very early in the morning to start our hike to the summit of Marlboro Hills (My mother mountain) It's just a minor hike, but took us quite the time due to the number of people during that day. But it's all worth it to see the sea of clouds and ray of sunrise at the top of a hill. It felt like something just healed.

I heard that Marlboro Hill is the highest peak in Sagada with a stunning view of cordilleras. The trek is not that easy given that the climate is very chilly especially in the early morning but this is an ideal hike for beginners.

We originally planned to go to Mt. Kiltepan but for some reason, something had changed the plan so we headed to Marlboro Hill which is still okay. See this?! How can you not love the view?

It's just interesting to think that some people cried all their heartaches at the top of a mountain. Maybe that romantic indie film had really branded Sagada into a kind of place where broken hearts go. Because that's also my reason why I went to this mysterious town in the mountains.

I've been writing this in September of 2024, and we went in Sagada in the early 2019 or early 2020 (My memory is a bit clouded) But I could still remember how heavy I felt during the trip. I was trying to recover from two and a half things: a heartbreak with someone that I didn't even have a committed relationship to begin with and a quarter-life crisis with a little bit of existential crisis too. And honestly, connecting with nature helped me but it's a slow process and it took me years to build myself up. Sagada had been part of my healing process. The first part of many.

Note: I didn't pick this flower but I saw it from the ground. Maybe someone used it for their photos and dumped it after. When we think something is unworthy, we better think again. Just like this flower, there is beauty everywhere. You just have to know where and how to find it. Anyway, I put this on my ear during our stay in the summit but at some point, I lost it. Blown by the wind, I guess.

Once we had our breakfast, we went to Sumaguing Cave, one of the deepest caves in the Philippines and by far the most popular in Sagada. Unfortunately, these were the only photos I saved and the others were either corrupted or blurred. I didn't even want to think about it coz it stressed me out so much.

The trek was very challenging but the experience was memorable! You really need the perfect gear when doing cave exploration because the rocks were slippery, there were areas that were too dark and the cave water is just painfully cold when you're submerged for a long time. I hope I can go back and take new photos of its impressive landscape and rock formations. I will be more prepared this time and I will definitely not skip leg day from now on.

During the afternoon, we head off to Sagada Anglican Cemetery. It was such a peaceful walk and I remembered having a heart-to-heart talk with one of my friends as we enjoyed the view and trekked to the Hanging Coffins (Sadly, I got no pictures of the Hanging Coffins. I can't even remember if taking photos were allowed.)

I also heard from locals that they have a cultural tradition called Panag-apoy, which means "to light a fire". This spiritual ceremony was held every November 1st and has been practiced for several generations. Seeing the existing photos online was just so mystifying and magical displaying a unique tradition that showed how the locals embrace and value their spiritual beliefs for so many decades.

We stumbled upon an open market after we trekked down from the Hanging Coffins. And as much as I try to remember, but this moment was quite vague in my memory. I can't even remember if I bought something in here or what I ate but there were blurred visions of fish balls and someone with a toothpick.

As the sun gradually went down, our final destination the Lake Danum. Our guide told us that it was the perfect spot for watching the sunset but during our trip there, the sky was a bit overcast so we didn't get a glimpse of the sunset. It was also a good place for stargazing but our guide didn't offer that and I don't think we're prepared for stargazing. It was such a peaceful and hidden paradise, you just have to watch your step because cow droppings were everywhere.

We ended the night by dancing around the bonfire while drinking our heartaches, frustrations and struggles out. It was such a fun night to loosen up a bit with friends and strangers. When we woke up, of course we were greeted by the worst hangover of our lives, but it's all worth it because it's time to go back to Manila and face reconnect with reality again.