#ended up going back and forth w a lot of this but I'm happy with what came out

[ineed-to-sleep]

2, 6, and 26 for the tav ask game

26 answered here!

6. What is your tav's favourite childhood memory?

A lot of her time spent in West Harbor among her friends has provided her with good memories, but her favorite is actually something she experienced in the swamp. Though she's been through a lot more danger and stress traversing that area, there was no feeling quite as good as the first time she managed to get inside an Illefarn ruin, successfully slipping by unnoticed by the giant frogs and beetles that made the place their home.

The ruins were unlike anything she'd ever seen before. The halls were large and drafts of wind whistled and echoed through them, tall pillars held up the broken ceiling and she saw flights of stairs that seemed to stretch endlessly beyond her vision. The walls were cold to the touch, but she touched them nonetheless, trying to trace the swirling patterns that decorated them with her fingers. The entire place looked alien to her, a complete departure from the modest wooden houses of West Harbor that she was familiar with.

There was also something unusual that filled the air, something that raised the hairs on her arms and sent a chill down her spine. It should've been terrifying, but instead, the feeling brought her a strange comfort. She felt as if the ruins themselves were taking her hand and pulling her in. She roamed from room to room, finding old tomes with little marks and dots of ink she couldn't read, broken objects with intricate but faded designs, statues of people that looked like elves but... not quite. She lost track of time in her exploration, excited for what she could discover next, moving deeper inside the ruins almost as if carried by a gentle current.

She doesn't remember how she did it, it just happened as she kept walking and the light around her kept dimming, but she heard what sounded like faint whispers from the darker corners of the hall and suddenly, in a burst of shivers, she was surprised by a flickering ball of light emerging out of her fingers. It stood beside her and became her companion for a while, following her as it slowly waned out over the hours, serving as a great assistant to make her way out of the ruins before it fully faded away.

She never forgot that moment, and even though the light disappeared, she learned to cast it again later on, along with many more lights to keep it company.

2. What relationship did your tav have with their family/guardian(s) growing up? Has that changed with age?

To put it simply, it hasn't changed and it's likely that it never will- for better or for worse.

She was raised by her uncle, with no other family alive besides him, something that was way more important to her than it was to him. To her, he was the most important person in the world, but to him, she was a responsibility he didn't want and a sour reminder of his own failings.

I go into it more under the cut as this is uh. A loaded question jfjckfk

Her parents were both dead by the time she came out of the womb- her father was a Neverwinter city guard, killed on the job, and her mother a seldarine drow that didn't survive the childbirth process. Her uncle had painful history with the couple, having been her mother's previous lover, and after a falling out, being left for his own brother. He never lived that down, and though he was always the outwardly stoic type, the bitterness never left his tongue whenever he was forced to talk to his brother.

But it's not like he ever told Nawen about any of that.

He took the baby back to Merdelain, to the small village of West Harbor, where he'd spent most of his life and hunting career. He was reclusive, quiet, distant. When he was in the house, it barely felt like he was really there, the occasional floorboard creek or sound of sizzling fire in the kitchen being the only alarms to announce his presence. It took her a while to learn how to properly talk, and most of the practice wasn't done at home, you can be sure of that. He tried his very best to maintain his life exactly as it was before she came into it, providing her with the bare minimum to keep his guilt at bay while spending most of the time away from her sight. All she learned about her parents came from old letters in the attic- a chest hidden away in the wall, behind the cobwebs and earthy smell of dust that covered long untouched memories. She found things she could only assume- or hope- were her mother's, along with the letters half eaten by termites. Once she learned how to read, she pieced together the story of a wealthy woman from the big city in love with a mysterious man living alone in the swamp. That was all she knew of her mother, besides a fantastical image she built of her in her head to fill in the blanks.

Her uncle never found out about her ventures in the attic- or if he did, he didn't care enough to scold her about it. She grew up learning from the villagers, learning from the swamp, from ruins and old books, from everything else but him, and wishing he'd sometimes sit at the table with her and have more to say than one-word answers. That he'd look at her and not just at the bowl of food in front of him. But he was never one to give her what she wanted.

As a teenager, she walked out of the swamp with a troupe of other misfits and troublemakers she called friends, and never looked back.

After getting roped into something that would lead to the worst years of her life, she decided to send a letter to him. She was now in Athkatla, tucked away in her bunk bed in one of the Shadow Thieves' headquarters, her eyes red and puffy from crying, and she wrote him a letter telling him how *good* her life was. That she was doing incredible, she was going to get rich, and she would never have to live in a backwards swamp, covered in mud like him. And no thanks to him, of course, because he was never there for her anyway, because he was a failure and nobody wanted to be around him and that's why he was alone now. It was bitter, malicious, she wanted to hurt him and twist the knife. She wanted him to feel the way she felt.

He answered with the most predictable, yet disappointing answer. He briefly told her he was glad she was doing well, and that he was doing fine. Nothing much besides that. It was barely an answer, she was surprised he even bothered to write the words down.

About a decade later, at what she would see as the lowest point of her life, she started writing another letter. This time, she apologized. She said she was angry and bitter, that she wasn't thinking straight and didn't really mean what she said. It was a really nice letter, especially for her, and she even politely asked how he was doing and about the state of the Mere and the village. But she never sent it. She reread it later and scoffed, thinking herself pathetic, that even after all these years she was still a naive little girl desperate for her uncle's attention. She burned it and put the idea out of her mind.

Her relationship with him has always been distant, she can't see it realistically being any other way, if she could even consider that they have a relationship at all now. And she's not sure if she would like to have one. Maybe some things are better left in the past.

[ayselluna]

Spawn Astarion Recommendations!

So I heard you guys want Spawn Astarion Recommendations too! I heard you :) Apologies if it took awhile it got hard to compile everything I read.

I honestly have read more one shots Spawn Astarion than series tbh. but here are some series I love! These are Astarion x Tav / You / OCs following the story from the game! I'll be happy to make another list for AU's! Another Ascended list is on the way too~ :))

I DEFINITELY RECOMMEND FOLLOWING THESE WRITERS TOO as they have really great HCs and One Shots!

The Arrangement by @fangswbenefits - This is one of the first ones I've read and how she wrote Astarion is just so ASTARION! The lines, the slow burn and the smut are exquisite as hell. I do suggest reading her oneshots too! Her smuts are so good I suggest reading it ALONE. XD ONGOING!

The Fangs Between Us by @feyascorner - Not your typical Lovey-dovey Astarion and Tav. Astarion actually felt betrayed and actually tried killing you! Can love still blossom? is it still there? Would you guys even be friends?! So much angst and but oh so goooood! ONGOING!

Shadows of the Past by @pastshadowsff-blog / PallidMoon - What's an Astarion story w/o the angst? I would definitely be devastated the moment Astarion left me! The process of healing and loving, the confrontations here are soooo on point! Have a good gale on the side too~ ONGOING!

Love at First Knife by @bg-brainrot - DEFINITELY A FAVORITE! Aside from the romance from Astarion and TAV you get the WHOLE GANG TOO! I'm a sucker on everything on this series! I can't count how many times I've re-read this while I wait for my other fics to update. ONGOING? I'm not sure but it gets updated!

When He’s all but Forgotten How to Love Again by @bg-brainrot - okay another one from the same author, at this point just read everything!! okay, but what if TAV died and got reincarnated?! If you got an elf TAV this is definitely one for the books! I LOOOOVE this one a lot. Getting your memories back and seeking your lover out, would it be the same? Would he even remember you?! Surely he will right?! but what if he don't? hmmmm READ IT! ONGOING!

Astarion Talks In His Sleep by  @littlejuicebox - This is a short series but this was just memorable coz WE'LL LOVE EVERYTHING in it. It's one of the happy endings you'd totally wish for and how this story got me gasping and giddy was just chef's kiss! You'll love her DADSTARION series too! I LOVE THIS FAMILY A LOT. :))

Cursed To Put My Hands On Everything by @maladaptive-menace - I recently found this and I got hook immediately on the concept! I also love the titles on this series, as the title says~ :)) So imagine you're doing your mundane things IRL and one tiring night you found yourself Isekaid IN the GAME?! You know you're effed up, how would you survive?! well at least you got your dream come true of meeting the gang in the flesh…specially the Pale Elf~ ONGOING!

Winter Holiday Challenge Fills by @justporo - So this is an all fluff from the Winter Holidays! I know it's not christmas anymore but if you missed it during that time who cares?! READ IT! Get all the fluffiness you need from this series! Check that full masterlist on their profile too while you're at it~ :)) FINISHED!

The Currents of Destiny by @lendeah - You and Astarion fights after he didn't go with the Ascension, left and scorn you to die screaming! But what if he sees all the what if that could happen?! Would his decision stay the same? FINISHED!

An Adventure in Making a Life by @redlittlefoxari - okay something different but maybe a PREGNANCY fic anyone? :D This was one of the fastest story I binged! You both just learned you're pregnant but an invitation from a friend comes forth! Maybe keep it a surprise for the gang? How would this pregnancy on the road takes you? ALSOOOO FREAKING LOVIING HUSBAND ASTARION UGGHH i can't~

I have more authors to recommend but we'll keep this list for now! I urge you to follow these authors too and check their other works.

Let me know if you guys are up for more recommendations! I have more to share! <3 Hope you enjoy reading them as I did! More reading buddies!

[hyperdramas]

for one last time | lee seokmin

pairing: lee seokmin x reader

warnings: non-idol au, fluff, boyfriend!seokmin, tiny mention of jealous!seokmin, mentions of sports (wii sports), reader is lost, kissing, small mention of physical touch, bits of shamless flirting (on seokmin's end), pet names (reader w baby, seokmin w honey, babe), lyr projects her love for wii games on reader, seokmin throws something at reader (a baseball cap as a teasing gesture), they're cute & in love your honor

now playing: for one last time, cheyander

"You swing your arm back and forth like this, babe. That's how you hit the ball." Seokmin's behind you, breath hitting your ear as he puts one hand on your waist and the other on your right arm, performing the swinging motion. Your cheeks are warm from the touch, and Seokmin notices this, a smile on his face as he pulls away.

Your boyfriend was a sports fanatic—he loved lots of sports, and were good at a lot of them too. The first game he had bought for the Wii you two shared was Wii Sports, and he had the joy (at least, that's what he said) of teaching you how to play the game.

You loved Wii games, but disliked sports—you didn't see the hype around them, and you never understood the rules anyways. Seokmin was just so excited to show you how to swing for tennis and serve for volleyball using the Wii remotes, though.

How could you say no to a sweet smile like the one your boyfriend had?

"Seokmin, baby, I really don't think I'm made for this." You look at him, and he adjusts his baseball cap, shaking his head as the watch on his wrist shuffles with his movements.

"We're just gonna give it sometime, okay? Let's try baseball again, okay?" Seokmin looks over to you, voice soft as he exits the tennis portion of the game.

"You'll crush me! You're so good at baseball, Minnie, it's not even a competition with you." You mumble, and Seokmin laughs, kissing your cheek as he shakes his head. "I'll go easy on you, I promise. I want you to get the hang of it first."

As he continues to find the baseball setting, you watch your boyfriend from behind, studying his broad frame and muscled shoulders and arms he's gotten by pitching baseballs and serving volleyballs, no doubt.

As Seokmin worked to recallibrate your controller, you studied his nearly perfect batting form, watching the slope of his nose, bite of his bottom lip, and twinkle of his eye as he focused on the instruction on screen.

"Alright, I think I've got it. Come on, honey, let's try again." Seokmin hands you your remote, and you sigh, shuffling to get in place as you spread out from him.

"Why can't we just play Mariokart and call it a day?" You question, and Seokmin looks over to you, eyes puppy-like as he juts out his lower lip.

"Let's just try one more time, okay? Just one more time." Seokmin begs like a little child, and you can't say no, especially when he's looking at you with wide, sparkly eyes.

"......Fine. One more time." You finally give in, spreading your legs out as you get ready to bat. "I love you." Seokmin looks over to you, nose scrunched up as his eyes disappear into pretty crecsents.

Shaking your head, you brace for Seokmin's pitch, giving it your best shot as you swing your arm like he told you. Your ball flies into the sky, an announcement of a home run adorning the screen as you scream and jump for joy. Seokmin runs to you, obviously happy for you as he picks you up in his arms and spins you around.

Once he places you down, with your hands still on his shoulders and his still on your waist, he takes the Wii remote from you, eyes now half lidded as he smirks at you.

Unable to look at him seriously, you laugh, eyes lighting up as you take in Seokmin's now devious expression. It's obvious that he wants something from you, but you can't blame him, as you also want what he's thinking about.

"I think I deserve a home run kiss." You whisper, bringing your hand to the brim of his baseball cap as you take it off, revealing his messy, dark brown hair.

"I was just about to give it to you." Seokmin says, voice soft yet deep as he searches your eyes.

Your run your hands through his hair, letting the bangs fall in front of his eyes perfectly as he starts to lean in, eyes closing as his lips touch yours. His lips feel perfect against yours, and your hands go from Seokmin's shoulders to sliding down his strong back, and making their way back into his curly hair.

The baseball cap in your hands is long gone, on the floor as your hands go back to Seokmin's broad shoulders yet again. He smiles under you, over the moon at your kisses as he pulls away, breathless.

"I knew you could do it. You just needed a little bit of practice." Seokmin smiles softly, and you sway with him, hands in his as you stare into his eyes.

"I think it's because your Mii character is so cute." You tease lightly, and Seokmin glares at you, picking up his baseball cap and throwing it at you as you squeal, laughing.

"I'm just kidding, Seokmin. No Mii could ever take me from you." You sigh, and Seokmin beams, handing you your controller as he asks: "For one last time?"

feedback & reblogs are greatly appreciated! i love reading your throughts :>

[reareaotaku]

Hello it's me Rachel. Listen um sorry for the bother you but can you make a yandere losers club headcanon movie it 2017 ?

It's no bother! Of course I can!

Yandere Losers Club Headcanons

Characters: Bill Denbrough, Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier, Stanley Uris, Beverly Marsh, Mike Hanlon, Ben Hanscom [Also, I looked up the Jewish stuff for Stanley, so if I got anything wrong lmk]

Bill Denbrough

He gets really shy around you

Stutters a lot and he never really gets over it, no matter how he tries

You're way out of his league and he's surprised when you ask him out

But oh my god, you really want to date him

"Do you want to go out with me?"

He looks at you shocked, his mouth on the floor. At first, he thinks you're trying to pull a prank on him or making fun of him, but you're dead serious

"Oh- W-w-what?"

"Do you want to go out with.... me?" You gesture to yourself at the end, your confidence quickly fading in fear you were about to be rejected

"Uh-uh-uh, um...y-ye-yeah. I'd l-l-l-love to."

Now it's your turn to blush and you smile, "Great. That's great. So what now?"

"I don't know..."

It's a little awkward at first, but you both eventually get over it

His friends tease him, but Bill always brings up about how they're all single [It usually ends the teasing]

He always dresses up whenever he's going to see you

He just wants to look his best

Eddie Kaspbrak

You meet at his favorite place, the pharmacy

He knew who you were and you vaguely knew who he was

He had a huge crush on you and when he saw you, he nearly shit bricks

He quickly put the stuff he was holding back on the shelf, while accidentally knocking stuff down

"Uh, you're Eddie, right?"

He awkwardly laughs, his face turning a light red, "Uh, yeah. Y/n?"

"Yeah. What are you doing?"

"Nothing!" He's quick and nearly yells it at you, causing you to flinch back. He instantly felt bad about it

You only knew two things about Eddie; He's a germaphobe and his mom is crazy

"You're that germaphobe, right?"

His eyes widen and he quickly shakes his head, "No! I'm not scared of germs. That's crazy," He laughs it off, moving his hand back and forth. He blushes when hearing you laugh and he looks away from you

"You're really cute. Do you want to hang out?"

"Hang out? You and me?"

"Yeah, there's actually a diner close by-"

"Of course. I mean yeah, that'd be cool"

You start hanging out more after that and Eddie is secretly losing his mind

You're hanging out with him

Wow- He feels like he's dreaming

When you ask him to be your boyfriend, he's sure that he's dead and in heaven

Richie Tozier

You both fucking hate each other when you first met

You bully the hell out of each other, trying to get the last word

"Why are you late?"

"Sorry, I was fucking your mom."

"Well, I'm glad you could enjoy someone's mom since you don't have one"

He rolls his eyes, mocking you, because he has no insult to throw back without sounding like he was offended

Things change when he gets older and he realizes that he likes you

it started when he'd see things in his everyday life that reminded him of you

At first he was irritated and he wanted to destroy those things [Flowers, rocks, tree bark, a cloud, the way his food is placed, a game/game character, etc]

But then, he realized these things made him happy. You made him happy, even when he tried to fight it

He began to cherish these things and anything he could preserve and keep, he would

He has a shrine dedicated to those things. Nothing ever directly linked to you, but just things that make his mind go to you

Neither of you will ask the other out, because you two are two prideful- Actually, it'll be an accident when one of you confesses

You two will be fighting and one of you will comment about how the other is pretty/handsome as an insult and the other turns around and is like "You like me?" You'll be blushing and the person who insulted the other will deny it, but whoever was insulted will be like "I like you two."

Stanley Uris

Stan is very mature for a boy his age and that's what attracts you to him

He doesn't really notice you at first, because he doesn't have time for dating and he's more worried about keeping his things in order

You try approaching him multiple times, but you usually get shrugged off

You can go to the temple and wait until after Prayer hall, Shacharit, or the morning blessings, but he'll probably spot you and avoid you. If you're not Jewish, you'll approach his father, the Rabbi, telling him about your interest in the culture

"You can't just be Jewish. You know that right? It's a long progress-"

"I'm okay with that. I'm interested in the culture, language, and history"

He's impressed with your knowledge and interest that he's willing to take you under his wing

Stanley then becomes jealous, because you're becoming closer with his father than he ever was

You get progressively better at speaking from The Torah

"There's this girl who keeps coming to the Temple. I've been avoiding-"

"Wait, there's a girl who's actively seeking you out and you're avoiding her??? Because???"

Stanley rolls his eyes, "It-"

"Is she ugly?"

"No-"

"Are you gay?"

"What? No-"

"Then why are you avoiding her?"

"It's stupid-"

"Spit it out."

"Well, she's not even Jewish, but my dad treats her like she's been going to the Temple her whole life. So, she learns a little Hebrew so what? Anyone can do that."

"Oh, you're jealous and have daddy issues. Got it"

His father acts kind of like your dad. Tries setting you up with a good guy so you'd be set for later in life. Get you incredible connections

When you'll finally get him alone, he busts. He yells at you and he realizes all his anger about his father out on you

Though, when he sees you cry, he quickly stops and he feels so bad

He didn't mean to make you cry. God he felt so bad

He quickly apologizes and this creates a friendship between you both

You can tell him any secret. He'll never tell a soul

You can depend on him for anything. You're the only thing his father likes about him

"Why can't you have Y/n's dedication? She wasn't even born into a Jewish family."

He complains to you about his father, and you're always open to listen to him

Though, he's scared of nearly everything, so you usually are the braver one in the relationship

You have to beg him to go anywhere with you, because he doesn't like being around people

He just sticks with you the entire time

Beverly Marsh

She was very confident when approaching you, but it was fake

She's the type of person to lean on some boxes and then they fall over

She loves brushing and playing with your hair

She thinks it [your hair] is so pretty

She'll hum to you while she brushes it/plays with it

She asked you out. She was very bold about it

She goes after what she wants and she wants you

She'll make sure the moment is perfect

You're alone and the night is beautiful [Though nothing like you]. The wind is blowing just right and the light from one of the post is shinning your face like a halo

If you ever get into a fight with her, she'll avoid you for days/weeks

She doesn't want to, but it's a tactic she knows will get you crawling back

Mike Hanlon

He puts your needs before his own

He's sweet and whenever you have a problem he's always there to listen

He's a smart kid and will always help you with your homework

And by help, I mean he'll do it for you

Hope you like band music, because that's his favorite type of music

He does have a tiny little issue where he lies to make you happy. He's scared of losing you and just wants to keep you close

He doesn't do it on purpose, it kind of just happens

When you find out, you're livid and he understands, but he doesn't apologize. He think he's doing the right thing

You can be mad at him, but you'll always get over it, because you can never be mad at him for long

He doesn't gaslight you on purpose, but he does do it sometimes

"So what, you don't love me anymore?"

"Of course I love you!"

"Well, you're sure not acting like it-"

Ben Hanscom

He's really insecure about himself and his weight, thankfully you make him not feel like he's a pig

In fact, you don't mention it all; It's not something you notice

You always pick up when he's sad and always do whatever it takes to cheer him up

You try and help him cope with it healthy

Though, as he gets older, he starts to work out and you go with him. You don't want him to feel like everyone's staring at him or something

Whenever he's feeling like people are judging or staring you'll always divert attention to yourself, whether it's wearing something crazy or just making yourself look different and wild, you're willing to have people judge you as long as he doesn't feel judged [Does that make sense?]

He never judges you. In fact, he thinks you're way to good for him

Everything you do for him just makes him realize you're to good for him

If you're ever insecure, he's surprised

"What? You're like the prettiest person in the world! " He's absolutely flabbergasted

Absolutely adores you and follows you like a puppy

Practically attached to your hip

Bro's a little dependent on you ngl

[mchlgayser]

☆ we've met again ft michael kaiser

synopsis: Four years past since you left and raised his kid alone until fate decides to bring him back to the picture.

─── ୨୧ warning: slight angst

─── ୨୧ notes: Is the fandom dying?? Why hadn't my post gotten as many hype as before lmao! It's sad but anyway I'm back with another drabble to feed you all!! Happy reading everyone xoxo!

You hastily pick up your car key and grab a few of your works essential stuffing them inside your suitcase. Your four-year-old son is by the patio sitting and playing games with his nanny when you tread to him 'Kay, mama had some work to do. I promise I'll be back for dinner. Be a good boy for me and do not cause trouble alright? Have a nice day at school.: He nods putting down his gadget, and wrapping his arms around your neck to hug you 'I love you' You give the side of his head a chaste kiss before letting go.

'I had some leftovers from last night you can use as his lunch and as for the dinner I'll just buy takeouts.' You inform his nanny giving her an advance payment before you left the house.

You drove to your office receiving an unknown call on the way. You pick it up and greet the caller but silence. They said nothing before it abruptly ended. You stare at your phone before shaking your head. It didn't occur to you about anything serious as you continue steering the car and parked at the basement parking lot.

Your secretary, Miss. Juliette is already by the automatic door waiting for you with a clipboard in her hands. You got out of the car and rush to her 'What's my schedule for today?' You punch the elevator button while your secretary notify you about every single of your tasks today.

You got a lunch with one of your important client, a meet -up with your temporary business partners and a dinner with another client -

'Cancel my dinner with Mr. Han. I'm having dinner with Kayden tonight.' Juliette didn't need to be asked twice knowing how firm you can be when it comes to your son. For him, everything comes first. No matter how important your job is. She immediately postponed the dinner meeting to another date before moving along with you to your cabin.

'Do you need your coffee today?' You rapidly nod and start doing your tasks, bringing out works and files so that you can finish faster. 'Make it two, I need extras.' You lend a sweet smile before you got to work.

The clock almost strikes six - just enough time for you to finish all of your work for the day and get the takeouts you ordered online. You pack your stuff and your necessities when your phone rang for the nth times of the day. You didn't think twice before picking up 'Hello?' It was silence... Again before a sharp and low 'Hey' is heard.

You blink in surprise asking them to know who they are but no answer and it ended again. You rolled your eyes and left the room to the car park. Yo throw away your bag in the back seat and resounded the car, cooling off the engine and blowing on some loud music to distract you from the suspicious spam calls.

'Yes, thank you so much! Have a nice day!' You rolled up the window putting down the food beside you on the shotgun seat. You maneuver the car to Kayden's school in silence but the radio.

You arrive at Kayden school's main gate and got out to meet with his teacher 'Hello ma'am. I'm here to pick Kayden up.' She was looking at you back and forth 'A man has already picked him up claiming to be your husband. Kayden went along with him.' You started to panic bringing out your phone and calling his nanny asking her to come by his school and help you look around.

You bow down at his teacher and run around the neighborhood, looking for your son. Thick tears threaten to fall when you look around but find him nowhere.

You call for his name again but are abruptly interrupted when you see a vogue silhouette of your son with a familiar blond and blue streaks hair sitting together on a bench near the playground.

'Kayden!' You yelled his name averting his whole attention toward you 'Mama!' He cries out running your direction to hug your trembling form 'You scared me!' You scolded him with tears now cascading down your cheeks 'I'm sorry...' You sigh tightening your hug and breaking it off after some moments.

You suddenly remembered the familiar blond guy with your son 'And who are you with-'

'He is with me.' The familiar voice brings you out of your trance. You pick Kayden up and rush away but he holds your hand 'I met him already, no need to hide away.' You carefully yank his hand away and sigh.

You put Kayden down and hide him behind you out of instinct.

His irises collided with yours, the identical smile adorning his complexion. 'This weird uncle said that he's my father. I don't believe him because he is so ugly. I don't have an ugly father right, ma? I'm too handsome to be his son.' He absentmindedly roasted his biological father that succeeded to bring a smile and a chuckle from you.

You pull his hand gently and turn to Kaiser 'He got all your traits.' You mentioned bringing confusion written all over Kayden's face.

'You are making my mama cry.' He said creating a dagger on Kaiser 'Am not.' He challenged, his hand on his midriff with his head tilt aside 'You are. If you are my father then you are the reason my mama cried almost every day because... She missed you.' A soft gasp elicited from you, your eyes sheet moist with tears once more.

'Then tell her, she should've not run away.' Kaiser held your hand, one brow furrowing. You push him away and wipe your tears. 'Kayden, stop spouting nonsense.' He huffs and pouts away.

'How do you find out about us?' He shrug 'I had my ways and that is not your concern. Not at all.' He lifts your chin and smirks 'You are still as beautiful as I remember.' You scoff but could not help the bright red hue on your cheeks.

'And I suppose it was you too, the one that's been calling me?' He laughs but nodded 'But I'm sure with my calls it helps to remind you of one thing.'

'And that is...?'

'It would be dangerous for such a gorgeous lady as you to be in a house that's not with your husband.'

'Can you stop flirting with my mama, weird uncle.' Kaiser is about to bite the tongue of his son but you prevent him from doing so 'Kay, I need you to start getting along with this uncle from now on.' He groan cut obligated

'Do you finally accept me back? Oh, and I need an explanation as to why you left. It can't be because of you are pregnant...' You look down at Kayden and ignored his question.

His mouth formed an 'o' shape but then he smiles 'I guess I can forgive you.'

'I think I need some time...' You suddenly mention making Kaiser confused 'About what?' You held his forearm 'About us.'

He nods picking Kayden up and make him yelps in surprise 'Sure. Let's go now little K.'

He places an arm around your waist and the other used to hold Kayden. You smile feeling somehow relieved - Kaiser and Kayden ended up bickering as to who you loves more all the way home and they both get a nice scolding after.

[grandlinedreams]

This is totally calling myself out with (why I’m anon 😭), but would you be comfortable doing unexpected pregnancy trope w/ Law. Or just the pregnancy trope in general. I absolutely adore it, but I do know a lot of people don’t/aren’t comfortable with it

Ough i have a request in my drafts that I'm working on that's got a tad more of an angstier spin on this so I'm gonna use this one to give him the happy ending we all hope he'd get :')

[Heads up!: fluff, married!law makes me wanna gnaw my arm off, afab/fem aligned reader, I think Law'd do his best to be a good dad and I will die on that hill]

Truth be told, Law never thought he'd make it this far. There have been a hundred odds stacked against him, tipped the scales in their favor over his ㅡ and somehow, he's still here.

There are days where he wonders if it's worth it, if he's worth it ㅡ and then he remembers Sengoku's words about Cora's sacrifice for him.

"Don't ever attach a reason to the love you've been given."

He's been loved ㅡ by his parents, by Lami, by Cora. By his crew, his friends ㅡ and you. You, who've been patiently by his side this entire time, fighting for a future that's worth sticking around for.

And now he has it. The metal band around his finger is still new to him sometimes, and he fiddles with it when he's lost in thought, rotating it as the little stones shimmer. It's not anything extravagant ㅡ but neither of you had wanted that.

"Who cares about rocks and the money for them when I have you?" You'd said when he asked, staring at him with such conviction his chest hurt.

"Law?" Your voice brings him out of his thoughts, finding you standing a few feet away from where he'd been zoning out as he stared out the kitchen window over the sink. The house the two of you own is modest, but it suits the two of you and Law still has a tough time accepting the fact that he owns a house now, rather than just a submarine. (For man who's spent most of his life uncertain he'd get a tomorrow, he's settled into domesticity surprisingly well for the most part.)

"You were gone when I woke up," he says by way of greeting, catches the nervous fidget of your arms, tucked behind you as you rock back and forth on your feet. "Where'd you go?"

"Town," you answer and when he frowns, you sigh. "I wasn't there long, and I've never once seen a wanted poster. We're not pirates anymore, you know."

"Can never be too careful," he intones, watches you mouth the words with him in a way that suggests it's far from the first time you've heard him say it. (It's true. He's said it a lot.) "Does it have to do with what you're hiding behind your back?"

"Maybe," you singsong before you bring your arms out from behind you, a neatly wrapped box extended towards him. He blinks, then his brow furrows.

"Did I miss an anniversary?"

"No."

"Is it your birthday?"

"No."

"Is itㅡ"

"Just open it, Law." There's an undercurrent of nerves to your tone as he takes the box from you, watching him as he sits down at the table to unwrap the thin bow of red ribbon around it.

You wait with baited breath as he sets the ribbon aside, pops the lid off of it ㅡ and pulls the contents out. You know exactly what it is, having spent the last few days trying to come up with the perfect way to tell him.

Law stares at the cloth in his hands. It's small, made of soft fabric and little metal buttons at the bottom, spaced between where two legs should go ㅡ oh. Oh.

And all at once, it clicks.

"You're pregnant?" He doesn't mean for it to sound like an accusation, only that he's aware neither of you'd been really trying yet ㅡ content to take one day at a time, together.

You nod. "I'm way late on my cycle, and given how lousy I've felt recently..." You watch him stand, leftover nerves making you ramble as he approaches. "I mean I know we've talked about kids but haven't wanted to really try yetㅡ"

His arms wind around you, holding you to him gently. There are a thousand thoughts that race through his head, of what-ifs concerning your health, the baby's ㅡ the fear that he's somehow passed on the disease he's long since been rid of.

He exhales against the top of your head, pushes the worries and fears back. He can deal with those later. Instead, he focused on what he can handle right now. "How far are you?"

"Not sure," you answer. "If we go by cycle, a month or so? Could be earlier than that."

His grip tightens. "You're pregnant," he mumbles, almost to himself. "We're having a baby."

You nod, letting yourself cling to him the way he is to you. "You're going to be a dad, Law."

The thought of fatherhood both excites and terrifies him ㅡ what if he's a horrible dad? He knows absolutely nothing about babies beyond what he remembers from when Lami was born, which is hardly much of anything.

"It's okay to be scared, Law." Your voice is soft, whispered against his chest. "I am too. But we'll do this together, okay? We'll be fine."

Law holds you to him, presses his lips to the top of your head as he thinks of the future. You, him, and the little piece of you both, growing inside you.

"Yeah," he finally says. "We'll be just fine."

[6okuto]

date idea with Ushijima

Go for hike and get carried the rest of the way to the top because you don't have the same stamina

Or he's new to Poland and he invites you to a restaurant to tast test the original dishes so you order everything of the menu and try to guess the recipe behind it

gn!reader | !!! IT’S TOSHI'S BIRTHDAY!!! >__< gonna talk about both of these. he picks a trail near your house that he's jogged dozens of times before. he makes sure you have water and sunscreen and doesn't at all mind when you ask to be carried. he'll check if you’re comfortable and tells you to watch out for branches…. slows/lets you down when you want to take photos of some flowers or a squirrel…

when you ask if he’s doing alright he tells you he’s fine and not to worry ;; you make him promise to tell you if he gets tired so you can take a break together. he could say he doesn't think he'll need to, but instead he smiles softly and says okay anyway.

! imagine his surprise when there's something set up already for his birthday up there. he's not somebody who's easily caught off guard, so you can't help but feel accomplished when he turns to you with widened eyes.

"surprise!"

wakatoshi blinks, mind still processing. but then he tilts his head, half amused, half genuinely curious. "did you really need me to carry you up the rest of the way?"

"i mean, i was tired. but also i had to sell the act, didn't i?" you smile. "are you mad?"

he lets out a breathy laugh, more a puff of air than anything, before coming closer. "no, i'd be glad to carry you up again if you wanted to come back."

"really? would you carry me down after we're done?"

his initial response isn't a yes or no. instead, he decides to pick you up where you're standing, getting you to wrap your arms around his neck in surprise. the gravel shifts under his feet as he turns to bring you to your set up—a blanket very carefully laid and held down on the corners, with gifts you had bought weeks ago ready to open. "ask me afterward."

also i looked up polish dishes last night while thinking abt this and got hungry. why'd i do that at 1am w nothing but cookies on me... BUT THE IDEA IS SOO CUTE omg he looks up some popular places and reads a Lot of reviews beforehand.. the workers are happy to recommend some popular dishes and think your idea is really nice lolol ^^

soft toshi... holding your fork up to feed him and him doing the same for you while chewing... so cute. cute guy. him furrowing his brows as he tries to discern what’s in the dish and throwing ideas back and forth with you… him softly chuckling when you scrunch up your face because you didn’t like the taste of something. he instinctively reaches to move the plate away and slides your glass closer instead. he asks “didn’t like that one?” as if you aren’t already gulping your water down

and he’s genuinely curious about the ingredients while the workers explain afterward !! he listens especially close when they describe the ones you really enjoyed. like he’s not leaving without making a mental list of which dishes were your favourites.

but also i think it would be so cute if there wasn’t a set plan. like the both of you happen to walk past a cozy looking place and you grab his hand to go in. and even if the food doesn't end up spectacular or anything, the fact that this is the first spot you visit together makes it a special place. depending on how good it is, it could either be a cute date spot every couple of months or a regular spot. picking up some drinks and treats to surprise you for dinner kind of thing ;;

his birthday... the idea that you guys become regulars. you go in and mention it's his birthday soon and ask if they have a good desert idea, or if they could do something special. and yeah of course they'll whip something up for this ?? famous volleyball player who just happens to like their local shop ?? who's a little scary but polite and endearingly obviously (in a relative sense) in love with you.

and i'm not saying the place would see a bunch of new customers because ushijima, a guy notorious for the lack of personal posts on his social media, posted about them and you after receiving a special birthday dinner,, but i'm not denying that idea either (ゝω･)

tangent but i rlly do love the idea of u telling toshi to pose for a picture on the hike or putting a flower in his hair for it .. or him with a little party hat on lololol

@devilgirlcrybabiey @lordbugs @smiithys @xfangirl-trashx @passionateuchiha @scaramouchesfootstool @fifteenshadesofpinkk @chloee0x0 @kenmaslov3r @bakugosgrenade @dai-tsukki-desu @Thathoneybee3 @momoewn @aintgeluh @dazaisfavgf @simpforerenn @crystal-lilac @vhenis @omiigad @kur0-kawa @semispilledcoffee @idontlikeyourjob @awkwardaardvarkforever @rory-cakes @prblmtic @kuroaka @vampyrkookie @sunaslay @h0n3ysgh0st @lackey-laufeyson @bontensbabygirl @dira333 @Kamukayakmonyet @danyisapingu @isentsworld @lilithlunas @anime-ships-gay @todorokiskitten @kellesvt @curiouslilbeast @fiona782 @cvhenia @mitskiologist

[bcolfanfic]

Sorry if you've received this like 20 times (got the circle of doom) - if you're accepting nsfw anons, how'd the youngvets boys first time go down? ;)

haha dw, tumblr is a lil shit sometimes!

doing a lil minimal research, during their time in africa (i'm still going back and forth with what base theyre at but for this lets go with air base 201) their housing would prob be these little things. it almost feels too easy to make them roommates lol, so i'm going w/ gale being with blakely and bucky being with demarco.

they're obv pretty glued at the hip at this point even when they've only kissed and haven't slept together yet. spend a lot of time in the other one's CHU when they're able to but. they don't really know blakely or demarco very well yet so they try to be discreet about What's Really Going On.

then maybe one day demarco comes back from the gym sooner than they thought he would. doesn't like- walk in on them making out or something but. they're close enough that it's obvious they aren't just close talking as buddies. it's okay though bc longer hc for another time short, demarco is obv a chill dude. even if he makes em both wanna die a little when he starts telling them every waking time he's going to be out of the CHU for a little lmfao. comes up to bucky when they're leaving dinner like hey (: i'm gonna go to the gym (: for an hour and fifteen minutes and 30 seconds (: takes me ten minutes to walk there (: probably gonna take it slower walking back. so add 15 (: smacks his shoulder when he's going all red faced.

anddd at long last since they're less jumpy about everything they do get a lil more heated than normal when they're making out, one thing leads to another etc etc. bucky has been with ppl across genders but gale hasn't so i think he very much takes the lead- and tops that first time + the first couple times after. lovesss seeing gale all flushed and squirmy under him, likes being able to manhandle him a little to get his leg around his hip etc etc.

but my larger hc for this au is that bucky is a bottom sooo we gotta get there somehow LOL. i think that while gale for sure doesn't *dislike* bucky fucking him silly (at all!)- he does kinda have a post-sex realization one night that he thinks he'd 'get more out of it' or whatever if he was on top. doesn't mind being out of control when it comes to bucky, but *in general* prefers being the one in control. just the way he's wired. for a lot of reasons.

and god he's soo nervous bringing it up to bucky. thinks he's not gonna be into it and reject him and then they're never gonna sleep together again and everything is gonna get weird. ends up getting so nervous he just blurts it out one night when they're gettin' hot and heavy with the making out. face all red and won't look at bucky when he's waiting for his response.

butttt he can rest assured knowing he was all worried for nothing bc bucky is veryyyy down. was fine "taking over" bc he was the more experienced one and thought that's just what gale wanted but. more than happy to get fucked into next week by his boy and that big pretty dick of his :p

[bedlamsbard]

Greetings from a Fan, I felt compelled to send this message after reading your posts regarding Queen's Gambit. My intent is not to upset or harm you, but I sincerely apologize if I do so nonetheless. I just wanted to say how much I absolutely *adore* the Ouroboros series. It's one of my favorites of all time across all the fandoms I'm interested in. It's also the reason I fell head over heels in love with the Obi-Wan/Anakin/Padme pairing. You've written the characters so incredibly well and I just cannot get over your amazing worldbuilding. I am an absolute sucker for the way you wrote Padme and the rich culture/history you created for Naboo. Those little details just added so much breath and flavor to your stories that to this day I remain speechless as to what you've created. With regards to Obi-Wan, oh my dear lord, what a heartbreaking masterpiece you created. The sheer level of love and anguish you brought forth after he lost Anakin was just devasting. He's such an incredibly complex character and you did a smashingly exceptional job with him. You really did him and his relationship with Anakin justice and I truly thank you for that. And Anakin, what can I say, there are so many layers to Anakin that there's never an easy way of writing him. But through his relationships with Obi-Wan and Padme, we can peel back those layers and you really took the time and care to do that. The entire series was an incredible concept in it's totality, and I love weird alternative universe/time-travel/fix-it fics. I will eternally lament that the series will never be finished because I would have loved to have read what happens in the next entry of the series which is where Obi-Wan fell to the Dark side (unless I'm mistaken). Nonetheless, I like to think that in the end they have their happy ending with one another (wherever it may have led them) and I thank you for sharing and posting this series with us. I know it meant a great deal to me and I would like you to know how I much I do sincerely mean that. Thank you. ❤️

Aww, thank you, I'm flattered to hear that! I know that Wake and Gambit (as well as the ancillaries Tales and Sound) are very loved stories for a lot of people, even when I get grief for them, which has been going on for more than a decade now. I'm always very glad to hear that readers do enjoy those stories.

The third Ouroboros story, which takes place in the universe that Padme arrives in during the last scene of Gambit, was supposed to be called All Along the Watchtower. There are bits and pieces of it in the all along the watchtower tag dating back about a decade now. It is a universe where Obi-Wan fell to the dark side and a bunch of other stuff happened as a result -- the three universes in Ouroboros are all meant to be the worst fears of the main three characters, thus canon (Wake) being Anakin's (he goes dark side and kills everyone he loves), Gambit being Padme's (she becomes a warmongering demagogue who causes a Jedi to betray himself for her), and Watchtower being Obi-Wan's (he goes dark side and is responsible for the downfall of the Republic and the Jedi Order). This is the most recent summary of what I remember that I was thinking; it went through a lot of development over the course of ten years, and as late as 2021 I was still trying to back into it via Rebels: the alternate universe where Ezra had been during The Starry Crown is the Watchtower 'verse, during the point in time where the Wake trio was there -- a.k.a. the Rebellion era, so they're also time traveling again. The Wake trio had all ended up in different locations in the Watchtower 'verse: we see Padme where she ended up at the end of Gambit, Anakin was on Coruscant, Obi-Wan was on Tatooine, and they're all dragged into the political events of that universe, which are very different from Wake, canon, or Gambit.

The intention was always for the Wake trio to end up back in their own universe, probably picking up Rex along the way; the base Wake universe is obviously suffering from Code Name Retribution, but the situation is not as bad as it could have been.

[zhongrin]

🎁 ᴢʜᴏɴɢʀɪɴ 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 ᴡʀᴀᴘᴘᴇᴅ 🫶🏻

ー just a little thing i wanted to make as the year ends 💗

𝐁𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐇𝐮𝐛𝐛𝐲 💍

① 👑 zhongli 👑 ✼ best husband, best comfort f/o, best everything. my ultimate blorbo 🧡

② al haitham 🌱 & wriothesley 🐾 ✼ he's such a silly guy. i love him so much. ✼ who's a good puppy! who's the goodest boy! yes you areeee~! <3

ⓧ runner up // neuvillette 🦦 ✼ his en voice almost made me simp. almost. damn you ray chase /lh

𝐅𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 🎶

ー✼ the ebg back in february and october! so so so so much chaos fun! both took all the creative juices and sleep i had, but it was all so worth it! i got to connect with more people and interactions were off the charts for the whole week. and coviello... my precious babie <3 i'm pretty sure i'll join another ebg next year given the opportunity.... or perhaps even host one, but with a twist-

ー✼ got matched up T W I C E (well, thrice in total) with mr. i am here's alternate universe selves al haitham. thanks @/ansy-tea / @/kopidense 👍🏻 i shall endeavor to make an effort to discombobulate and fool the silly sprout man in 2024 if there are any other matchup events open lmao

ー✼ teyvatweets! it was so much fun compiling everyone's tweets and coding the website hehe it didn't really blow up or anything due to how 'personal' that project was, but i think about it from time to time. such a fun lil thing!

ー✼ that 1 pity c0 al haitham who came right after ayato.... thanks dad for gracing me with your birthday luck 🙏🏻

ー✼ finally treating myself and indulging in all the selfship commissions. i'm grateful i have the ability to indulge and i'm hoping to do the same next year. and the way everyone just gifted me things for my birthday made me feel so so loved. i couldn't celebrate it with anyone since i wasn't at home, and it was on a weekday meaning my friends were all busy - so it felt like a mini-party... truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much ;w;

ー✼ personally, i'm super happy and kind of proud of getting very comfortable with sharing my art and improving on it! i used to go back and forth whenever i'm trying to post art, but now i'm confident enough to not think too much about it! naturally i have lots to improve and i'm nowhere near 'good' but that's fine with me! i owe it all to yall's support and lovely comments <3

ー✼ all the anon drabbles and charanons!!!! always such a nice sight to wake up to. they're like surprise gifts whenever i open tumblr because i don't have notifications on, and i adore them so much! big big big shoutout to @/floraldresvi, @/crystalflygeo, and @/soleillunne yall are amazing ;w;

ー✼ all the super sweet messages all of you left in my christmas tree.... i'm cradling all the wishes and silliness and messages from my f/os so close to my heart!! ceo!haitham tho. bruh you're still making me work LEAVE ME ALONE- /silly

ー✼ that zhongli birthday celebration series... they're not much, and even with all posts combined they have way less notes than a random vent drabble i dropped in the middle of it lol but i had lots of fun writing, designing, and inserting all the 'golden threads' across the fics nonetheless!! i'll highlight them later so the people who have been following the little series can go 'OH' lol

𝐀𝐦𝐚𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 🫂

@ainescribe ❀ @silentmoths ❀ @crystalflygeo ❀ @moraxsthrone ❀ @floraldresvi ❀ @sheepmc ❀ @zhxngii ❀ @localplaguenurse ❀ @mysnowmanandmebaby ❀ @the-travelling-witch ❀ @watatsumiis ❀ @kurikurikurisu ❀ @leftdestiny-posts ❀ @kaeffeinee ❀ @queen-belial ❀ @abyssmal-skies ❀ @dawndelion-winery ❀ @yinyinggie ❀ @silkjade ❀ @dustofthedailylife ❀ @scarasmood

@euniveve ❀ @soleillunne ❀ @faesther ❀ @ansy-tea ❀ @vennnnn-diagram ❀ @navxry ❀ @celestetalkstoomuch ❀ @minhosairfryer ❀ @xeraeus ❀ @pearlywritings ❀ @ryuryuryuyurboat ❀ @mochinon-yah ❀ @asoulsreverie ❀ @xiaosonlybeloved ❀ @mooncreates ❀ @jingyuansbird ❀ @tearskillstardust

i love you all and i'm so so glad to have made a connection with you! be it knowing each other from mutual friends, from a drawing/writing commission, or even if we just stumbled onto each other randomly by pure chance - know that i appreciate you! every single one of you are so talented and so wonderful. thank you for being the threads that shaped the comfy sweater that is 2023 for me <3 ps. and for my former moots who are minors but have respected my boundaries, i'm sorry i didn't tag you but i had fun befriending you lot. my best wishes for you in the years ahead too! pps. some of you might know me from my main @/meimeimeirin instead! i separated the list into 2 paragraphs bc tumblr isn't letting me have that many texts in one block apparently hsldfjsd also, if you're not in the list i either 1) forgot, bc i have the memory of a goldfish, or 2) remembered, but felt like it would be intrusive for me to tag you <- (more likely tbh) 😔

@/jjovin3221, @/starffox, @/syrenkitsune, @/finleyrambles, @/dr-birb, @/smokipoki, @/1117sblog, @/virdiaura, @/lawnfei, @/lady-alexis-salt, @/local-ragamuffin, @/the-knaves-world, @/alhaithams-fanfic-stash, @/interpretpages, @/magicalink, @/starlingcore, @/lyralibra, @/crazyrichdaughter, @/winterhuntsman, @/ladycoleigh, @/bettybeako

ALSO, HUGE SHOUTOUT to the people who frequent my notifs. i can't remember most of yall's handles accurately (and for some of you i remember by your pfp instead hskdhskd) but whenever your username pops up, know that i always go "!!!!!" and my imaginative dog ears perks up and my metaphorical tail just starts thumping on the floor <3 thank you so much for your continuous support!! (and i know some of you wrote in my tree so thank you for that too hehe) note: that wasn't an exhaustive list, but more like the blogs i remember seeing a lot on top of my head!!

𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 🧡

thank you for such a lovely 2023! thank you for being here and for always supporting my works, my silliness, and myself as a person. here's to more fun shenanigans ahead, and i hope 2024 will be a year that makes us all a better person <3

ꕥ xmas dividers © cafekitsune

[luci-hemwin-evanson]

Just finished the last season of back to 15 (spoilers ahead)

The character development was great, specially w Joel I think bc he was a little bit too controlling last season ?

Carol was kinda getting on my nerves but I guess that's not new

The Fanita content was on point I LOVED IT

Would liked more episodes tho, like I don't get whats this thing with Netflix and really short shows bc again just 6 episodes to wrap a whole show feels uncomplete, the ending feels rushed, maybe they lost too much time w the loop thing

I'm conflicted over not knowing who Camila or Carol ended up with

Like... Henrique was there but he was far from Carol so idk

Camila I was kinda happy with... because I actually liked her with both Dom & Spark a lot (but being completely honest I wanted her to end up w Spark)

The Filipa & Joel thing kinda came out of nothing ? Like they had that scene at the camp & then that was it?

Maybe it was bc there was little time idk, because if they had more episodes they couldve resolved the Joel & Anita plot, then work in Fabricio & Anita & throw a little bit of Joel & Filipa there, something to make it make sense why they ended up together, at least one more episode idk, also her (Anita) still going back & forth till the last minute, when in the first couple episodes it was pretty obvious she had feelings for Fabricio & only cared about Joel in a friendly way (because thats what I catched w her being so scared of him passing, it felt like a friend concerned for a friend)

Also there was verry vague things of what happened between 2007 & 2009 between Anita & Fabricio, I would like some more information maybe they couldve done something like they did w Bruna & Luiza, just a quick recap

[inthethickofbleeding]

Thoughts on Bridgerton S3

I'M JUST RANTING OKAY I've only seen part 2 once and these are just my thoughts and feelings I am gonna throw here and delete later when I probably change my mind after rewatching?? I just gotta rant😭

Penelope was so gracious and understanding and forgiving and I felt she deserved, in many moments, to be rightfully more upset, more vindictive, more fiercely witty and proud. Though I do LOVE all the things getting resolved and solved and brought to light and happy endings (I actually do love it), the journey there for me was missing a healthy and (imo) realistic dose of female rage. Just for the dramaaa come on. All the other drama going on here and Penelope is 'grateful for your counsel?' bfr. I'll show you grateful for your counsel by hating on it! She can show everyone her heart AND her teeth. She is more than capable and I thought that her character was reduced too much in the last four episodes. Penelope I want you to have everything, including your full range of emotion and humor and wit. Drink more w/ Madame Delacroix okay?? And with Lady Danbury.

I feel like my husbandColin was weirdly sidelined? I'm actually quite grateful for Part1 Colin, because I haven't landed anywhere yet with Part2 Colin. I knew he was jealous, I knew he was always going to forgive her...and we all knew he loved her....so the conflict/tension between them was not as interesting- for me! Just for meee. And stupidly drawn out. FOR MEEEEE. He had taken so many 'gallant' steps in his relationship with Penelope so when their wedding day and night and subsequent honeymoon days arrived and he was stuck in that attitude I was so unmoved. Don't play with me, Colin. Go worship your wife.

I JUST WANTED ANOTHER PURE VIOLET MOMENT! OF ANY KIND! Like before/about her dance with Marcus come oonnn! This is Violet! Please for the love. Also give me a convo with her and Penelope! Just one real one?? Damn. Her resolution with Francesca was alright? I guess. I do love that she isn't perfect with all of her kids, esp her daughters. But I feel they planted a lot of stuff for her as a mother and as a woman wanting to 'tend to her garden' you know? And it fell awkwardly for me. My favorite Bridgerton forever though.

HATE HATE HATE that Colin went to Cressida's house to make things worse trope. Seen it before. Didn't like it then and I don't like it now. AND he was forgiven so quickly. Absolutely not. DO NOT GO INTO ROOMS ALONE WITH ANYONE ANYMORE COLIN BRIDGERTON UNLESS IT IS UR WIFE PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME SLASH MY SCREEN. Go home to your wife and fix it there before you try to be all heroic outside of it okay. I will shave your head. I think I need Daphne.

Dear Eloise, you don't know what it is to be a friend, to have a friend, or even to lose a friend. Maybe I'm interpreting it wrong, maybe I don't care idk. But we start the show humanizing Cressida, bully since season 1 episode 1, THROUGH Eloise. BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME FOR THE FRIENDSHIP TO MEAN SOMETHING TO EITHER OF THEM Eloise willfully gave up, walked away, ran to the comfort of her privilege with her family and way-too-understanding friend. HOW DID WE CHAMPION SO MANY WOMEN ONLY TO ABANDON THIS THING W/ Cressida at the end as she was literally sent away alone.

Lady Danbury complaints similar to Violet. She is usually a more prominent player, so when she wasn't this season, well, I missed her and wanted anything more about her. But! Love her all the same.

HOW DARE THEY throw Kanthony back and forth all weirdy like that. Kate is here, just let us have Kate. And her lil loving husband. Come oooonnn. Three babies at the end and none of them Kate's😭 And Violet was overwhelmed and they didn't get to have another moment?? A lot of off-screen moments are told to us and we just get to believe whoever says whatever. Every actor here has shown they have skills for show-don't-tell productions! All those beautiful eyes! I just am feeling upset about the random use of this gorgeous couple. EVEN ANTHONY, Viscount and eldest brother of them all just walks away at one point when Colin is obviously needing more of him. Whatever.

Why why why did we have an original song PLUS an orchestral cover of it for both to be so unused??? Tori Kelly's song is so wedding-coded and so romantic and earnest. But it didn't make an appearance for Polin at all. Not at their wedding, not in their home, not in the carriage, not anywhere...

Maybe unpopular opinion but I hated "Yellow" being the wedding song. First see the point above and then please please just remember how much Penelope did to distance herself from that fucking color and the horrible memories of it. NOW! IF COLIN HAD MENTIONED IT SOME WAY OR WHATEVER THEN SUUUURRREEE keep the song. HOWEVER. EVEN THE WEDDING WAS NOT YELLOW, HER FAMILY WASN'T IN YELLOW, WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT AT ALL WHY IS IT THE FUCKING WEDDING SONG WHEN THERE ARE MANY OTHER OPTIONNNNSSSSS WHYYYYY (idc why, I just hated it, even if I did cry).

Benedict has been cute and boring for far too long and that did not change for me in this season. TWO BRIDGERTONS with queer representation in an already huge season with so many storylines going on, I wish we could've celebrated it better. Amongst the thousands of other things that were being celebrated, Benedict has still been separated from them in weird ways.

Not a big point, just an interesting one. But where did Debling go? He just effed off to the wilderness? We spent a lot of time with him (and Cressida) in the first four eps.....and then he was gone.....okay.

Charlotte, I love you. You should know that first. But man you love to crash a party, and a wedding, and I just feel like you should've at least killed someone by now with all these theatrics. Even for Charlotte, I felt she was strangely incorporated into this last half of the season. She and Penelope are technically equals in many many ways- BUT WE NEVER GOT TO SEE THAT WIT AND BANTER PLAY OUT MORE WHYYYY

All in all. It's just my rantings. I was absolutely in love with the first four episodes. There was something so fairytale about it and it was so romantic. So, yes, I was disappointed in part 2 on the initial watch, despite the many things I loved about it. There was a lot going on and, sadly, most did not land for me. Yet.

It's a good show, I still love the show. I will be watching the show. Give me more of the show lol.

[astraea802]

Merlin "Rewatch" w/ Mom -- 5x10

("Rewatch" here meaning "Mostly first time watch, but with the knowledge of what happens.)

First of all: WHAT THE HECK WAS UP WITH THAT HORRIFIC FACE DISFIGUREMENT THING AT THE END?? I've never seen ANYONE discuss how messed up that is, and they SHOULD. I know this aired in the same time slot as Doctor Who, but Mom and I were NOT prepared.

Second of all: Uggghhhh

We're coming into the final three episodes.

Mom doesn't want to know what's coming, but knows it won't end well. She suspects Arthur's going to die (but we all know it's the execution that's the real kicker).

I will say, I was surprised Season 5 has actually had a lot of nice moments I never knew. It's a little moodier than I'd like, and Merlin as a character makes me sad, but there's still some nice comedy and character moments. Like Arthur saving that woman from being burned at the stake, that was so good! (Maybe it's easier for me to appreciate certain scenes knowing what's going to happen? I'm not as tense?)

(It also helps I sat out The Disir and The Dark Tower since I was walking the dog. I don't know I could have bore either without spoiling the finale out of pure frustration)

Mom's been just absorbing it all. She's had a lot of questions, like:

Mom: Why did Aithusa join Morgana? Me: We don't know. They never told us. 😒

Mom: (after The Dark Tower) How did Gwen turn evil? Me: Magic. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Mom: Oh, for gods sake! 🤦‍♀️

Mom: When do they find out about that bracelet Morgana gave Gwen to make her love Lancelot? Me: They don't. 😤 Mom: ...Are you kidding??

The deaths have been a little tougher this season, especially Elyan's. She liked the Dolma, but rolled her eyes a bit at Merlin trying to "act like a woman" instead of just getting on with curing Gwen. And she was NOT happy with Uther's ghost (who was??) or Gaius telling on Merlin and endangering Finna.

But god... watching Merlin's struggles, I just keep thinking, what was the point of it all?

There's so much back and forth the whole season, the whole series really, about destiny and duty and following your heart, and I just... what's the moral here? Follow destiny and get screwed? Follow your heart and still get screwed? It's good to know prophecies and Merlin just didn't know how to handle it? It's bad to know prophecies because you cause them to happen? If that was the case, why did Finna die to pass that last prophecy on? Also, you deserve to die, even when you haven't done anything wrong, because a prophecy says you will? You have choice? You never had one? Some will say the point is "the friends we made along the way", or there doesn't need to be a moral, but there's just no consistency, except whatever keeps the drama going.

It doesn't help that, except for the Camlann prophecy, we never actually hear any of the other prophecies everyone talks about. So we never know for sure if the problem was a misinterpretation of the prophecies in terms of what the Golden Age looked like, or if Merlin failed because of his choices, or if he was ALWAYS going to fail no matter what he did, or if he even failed at all! Because the dragon tells him he didn't in the end, but it doesn't make much sense.

Did the writers even know? They have admitted in interviews they were working nonstop on the show for five years, at grueling pace, so I forgive them for being fuzzy, but it seems like the show's moral code and prophecy lore really depended on who was writing the episode that week.

What I've always loved about Harry Potter is that while prophecies exist, the power of choice is emphasized. Prophecies can be, and often are, misinterpreted. Not every prophecy in the Department of Mysteries was ever fulfilled, so destiny is not the be-all end-all. It's made very clear that it's whether you act on prophecies or not that matters. The characters' beliefs and convictions still matter. It's consistent, it's clean, and it leaves the characters' agency.

In Merlin... you can interpret it a million different ways and still be wrong. And maybe part of the issue is that while Harry agrees to be the Chosen One since he already wanted Voldemort dead, Merlin's heart and destiny are so often divided. And that's what makes it so darn frustrating. And why I believe they gave Merlin too much of a burden for one person. No "almost" about it.

(We'll see if I revisit this after the finale)

[sublimecatgalaxy]

♥️ Criminal Minds Masterlist ♥️

Criminal Minds Masterlist: Below you will find a plethora of works dedicated to the one and only Criminal Minds. Please take a look at my Character List and Prompt List in my pinned Masterpost regarding who I write and some ideas of what to request.

Derek Morgan:

On Purpose:

Summary/Request: "heyyy bestie,,,trope 1 with Derek Morgan?"

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

Luke Alvez:

Too Much:

Summary/Request: "hi! could i get unresolved sexual tension with luke alvez? please and thank you!! :)"

By Myself:

Summary/Request: "could i pretty pls get some angst because of an argument having to do w him working too much"

Rivals:

Summary/Request: "would u mind doing some luke alvez, rivals to lovers (cant get that trope out of my head), or the whole one bed thing."

Insufferable:

Summary/Request: "How about prompt 16 “I won’t bite. Unless you’re into that sort of thing,” + Mutual pining?"

Luke Alvez Fluff Alphabet

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

Spencer Reid:

Nose In The Books: Part 2

Summary/Request: "spicy enemies-to-lovers type of flirting between Spencer and Reader but in a Christmas setting??"

Not Stalking:

Summary/Request: "Let’s get some Spencer Reid 😩😩 maybe like flirtatious bickering? Like reader’s doing something and Spencer’s like “you’re doing it wrong” and readers like “no” and he’s like “yeah” and they’re like “then show me how to do it right” : D love you!! AND THE NEW THEME OMG"

Just Ask:

Summary/Request: "pleaseee more spencer blurbs i loved the christmas one and id genuinely would love just any type of settling just make it very fluffy, i loveee how u write spencer so thank you"

Winging It:

Summary/Request: "You're being mean." and “Did I stutter?”

Be In Your Arms:

Summary/Request: "I also adore your prompt list so I'm here to request maybe prompts 18 and 21? Some soft!spencer with a lot of fluff. Poor guy just needs some affection lol."

Tension:

Summary/Request: "Today I’m thinking maybe a lil Spencer x reader, annoyance to lovers (to smut el oh el)!! Tension building with a case or maybe after a case, reader and Spence were butting heads the whole time and something just SNAPS!"

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

Aaron Hotchner:

My Agent:

Summary/Request: "6,7,8 with Hotch 😌 any genre!"

Kiss Up:

Summary/Request: "Maybe 12 and 17 with Aaron Hotchner? Happy end though, please 🥺 We can't hurt this man more than necessary.."

Skittish:

Summary/Request: "okay, bestie ily! I am back like a thirsty whore! but this time my daddy issues have brought forth the desire for Aaron hotchner :,) lmfao! I'd like some hurt comfort relating to my current neck issues (you know the drill)."

Take Out:

Summary/Request: "Can you write prompts 13 and 21 with Aaron Hotchner please?"

Pay Raise:

Summary/Request: "I wanted to challenge you to write a Hotch x nanny!reader!! Like he hires her to be on call to take care of Jack while he's away and he comes home late after a case and he's just beat the fuck up and tired and Jack's asleep???"

At Your Doorstep:

Summary/Request: "Please do quotes 13 and 25, maybe a bit steamy?"

Legs Wouldn't Let Me Go:

Summary/Request: "Hotch for 13 + 24. 🥰 congrats my love!"

Think Twice:

Summary/Request: "Can I request something angsty with the prompts 11 and 15 for Aaron Hotchner?"

Bloody Shirt:

Summary/Request: "can I pretty please request 2 and 8 for my og love Agent Hotchner?"

[humanmorph]

pal33. i kind of just wanted to post a drawing but ended up writing a ton somehow...

I didn't take a ton of notes for this. I think it's mostly because it's so cold lately I don't feel like taking my hands out of my pockets, and also I'm not great at typing while walking so I'd have to stop, which, cold again!

Keith talking about how ruminating /calms Eclectic down/ made me grasp my head. Like in disbelief. I went HUH?! out loud. I still haven't quite pinned down the exact emotion that was brought forth by, but I think it was partly a kind of the feeling that I was actively being catered to when I wasn't expecting that OR even wanted it like. I already liked the guy. This was unnecessary. And the other part was that I love it. Absolutely obsessed with this flavour of weirdguy-ism. It's so good in a... Hm. Ok I'm having Eclectic thoughts that I'll hold onto for now, but like. "good to have a character sketch" yeah it sure is!

...and here are a bunch of other Eclectic thoughts that aren't the ones I just mentioned. i did not even expect to type all this when i started

(SANGFIELLE SPOILERS IN THIS PARAGRAPH? sorry.) It IS kind of strange to have a new character coming in this late w/ how close the Blue Channel crew is... I've noted before that it's like, different to other FatT seasons were everyone is just so coworkers ever (Sangfielle being the epitome of that. To Me. "[...] and it is you standing over the body of someone you used to work with." BANGER line). Even Phrygian was weird, but in a way that fit because of who they were. What also plays into this is noone except Figure really having space for gravity clocks. Which like... obviously characters can have relationships without those, but there's a reason they exist which is like, this is so important that it has mechanical advantage, or this is something I want to explore, like that means something? And I still wish Phrygian had had more, because the one with Figure didn't even end up coming up like, basically at all. It's a shame Brnine was so popular re: clocks bc those two could've really benefitted from a gravity clock, since they were together on missions a lot with the B-Plot thing. Well and also I liked them. Sigh ok I got sidetracked. Phrygian... But yeah, it may just be that this sortie is exterbating it bc Eclectic is literally by himself fucking around disconnected from everyone going through the horrors together (and that's bonding, baby!). I don't know how much longer the season will be, and maybe the feeling I currently have, which is like "it's the Blue Channel! ...and that other guy" will change. And like if it wasn't clear I do love that other guy I think that other guy is the most immediately compelling character Keith has had (similarly to Phrygian, actually. With Phrydge it was the concept & design that really excited me (Branched!!!) and with Eclectic it's that he's literally so funny and also Keith acts him great)! And he JUST got here, so I don't wanna be unfair. But it's been kicking around in my head & I wanted to write it down at least. It's like, would /I/ like his character to have a deeper connection to the rest of the player characters? Yeah generally I guess I would. Does Keith gaf about that as a player? I don't know that, but it's probably less of an impulse for him than, say, Ali. That would be my guess as a listener, anyways. And I hope Keith is having a better time playing now! It feels like it, but then again I also had no clue that he /didn't/ with Phrygian until he said it. (Still miss Phrygian though. Which is in combat with me being actually really happy with how they end up, like it might be the most a character 'death' on FatT has worked for me (not that there are /that/ many, but still).)

Back to. the episode: Good ep! I don't have all that much to say (OK. LIE). Just a thoroughly good time in a bunch of different ways. Love the singular character focus. Also just really Fun, like, made me laugh a lot. Fun interactions between good friends and whatnot. A bit that made me laugh was at the end when Ali was trying to figure out how to be find a way through the catacombs and suggests something that Austin has this "what?? no. thats scary." reaction to. Wait I'll just get it:

ALI: [talking about navigating the catacombs] And does it involve going through one of these body holes. AUSTIN: (genuinely aghast) Oh my god! ALI: Like, are there other tunnels. AUSTIN: There are other tunnels but you never have to go through a body hole- well, I shouldn't say never. That's SO creepy.

Which then gets the very great visual of Brnine doing that. Like it IS creepy and person having to crawl through tight space IS a thing that just gets me, even though it doesn't really get focus here I can't help but immediately picturing it... I was also for some reason expecting for there to be another body blocking the way... I've said this before and then was immediately like haha jk but I'm over it I will stop pretending I'm NOT kidding. I want Figure to roll worse. I miss Gur. Can you Fail Figure? I miss my friend Gur Sevraq. It's a thin line between that and Figure dying though (I DON'T WANT THIS. Because I want them to go further as a character but also, (thought I had only recently) what happens to my friend. Name of Gur Sevraq?). Anyways Gur... "This is false. But not all false things are impossible. And many have happened before." and "This is a thing that has already happened. She has seen it." <- has me sitting down and stapling my fingers. The. Perennial. Perennial

I don't have anything to say about Brnine aside from that I love them and that Ali is on her A-game. "Brnine is. Brnine and killed the president but is still a goofy loser" like. Ok. That's everything to me

The differences in, say, Thisbe's dream vision vs. Figures is interesting. And Cori falls somewhere in the middle? Like, Figure catching on really quickly, and also being in this situation of... all their friends are dead. People fear them. Being so immediately one that they are uncomfortable in & that feels somewhat alien vs. Thisbe being in a role that she envisions for herself and as such presumably feels comfortable in? Austin seems to be playing at the hooks with the visions (& they are what got immediately affected when they entered those), and for Figure it's probably "The only way to escape the Witch is by endangering others, but they seem eager to accept the risk." that feels the most relevant there? Maybe the Witch part less so, but least Austin mentioning that Cori specifically sacrificed herself to save Figure reminded me of this just now. For Thisbe it's "Fighting is not my purpose, but there is nowhere else for me until the fighting is over.", which I already talked a bit about above, though what's super interesting to me there is that this is obviously not all that's happening. I don't quite know what to do with there being More of Thisbe / units of her type... Or how she feels about that, if any which way. Cori's is interesting too because next to her sword + shield tenets being pulled in (specifically mentioning that they should be on the defense multiple times, which Cori ignores to charge ahead!) it's also the sense of her not wanting to be... underestimated or looked down on. Which is very much the vibe with Elle as a rival btw (it's fun. I'm happy Austin is having a good time with them lol). Oh! Also Austin says something about how it would've gone bad either way (even if Cori HAD stayed back to defend), which is another difference to both of the others visions, but expecially Thisbe's. Vibes just different. Well I'm curious what'll happen there next! Brnine is coming to visit! I didn't even mean to type this much but this really is very cool to me. I'm looping back around to what Gur said, too... Wish they were here...

Oh and Cori being glad to see Figure & hugging them really got to me too. They're sweet :' ).

and finally.

#MILLIEMENTION

I'm a simple woman I hear her name and I clap and cheer. originally this drawing was at the top but then I was like nah this is for people who either read everything OR clicked the readmore to then scroll past it... either way. work for it a little. i liked how it turned out! this is currently my new favourite brush.

[karrenseely]

Swings

My mood has been swinging between okay and depression and anxiety today. Back and forth, back and forth and all around in a chaotic spin. I had hoped I would be feeling much better by now with all the treatments I've been getting... but at the most all I can say is I'm not suicidal anymore.

I've only ever been truly happy once in my life that I can remember. It was the year I graduated college. To me, happiness is contentment. And I was content that year. I felt good. It was a foreign feeling to me, but I basked in it. It lasted for months, though I'm not sure how long beyond that. I worked, I spent time with friends and chosen family. The pain and horror I went through growing up didn't seem to dominate my experience at that time. I don't know why I felt so content then. But I'm glad I did. I'm glad I got to experience that at least once.

I look at young trans folks today and read many of their stories and experiences and it's so different from mine, but in a good way. They talk about experiencing gender euphoria, as actual full blown euphoria when they get to be themselves. It is absolutely wonderful to see. It makes me think about the times that I experienced that. And it's hard to remember. I'm sure it's there, but mostly what I remember isn't euphoria so much as relief, or other times when I just felt shame, or felt like a pervert for trying to be myself.

I can remember shopping w/ an ex-girlfreind before I transitioned and being absolutely terrified, and feeling so much shame. Unfortunately she didn't seem to really understand why. I remember thinking she was exasperated with my fear, but I honestly don't know if she was. I spent some time with her that semester... but then I don't know what happened, but she wasn't part of my life anymore. I can only remember two other times that I spent with her. The first was coming out to her, and her laughing at herself because two of her boyfriends ended up either gay or trans. And the other was about starting a sorority that was inclusive... Even though she wanted me there, I felt like an outsider.

I still believed the narrative I'd been fed by transphobes at the time that I was a fraud, that I was a boy who just wanted to be a girl, but wasn't actually a girl. And so I was terrified of being in female only spaces, even something as vaguely female only as a women's clothing store or in a girl friend's room with other girls. I don't think anyone I was friends with knew at the time that I needed someone to sit down with me in that space and say in a very compassionate way"you're a girl hon, you're supposed to be here, say it with me, you're a girl and there's nothing wrong with you being here. You're a girl, not a pervert."

I never had anyone tell me that I had been a girl all along. Not one person, until years later when I was reading Sophie Labelle's assigned male comics where she introduced the concept to me, and I finally understood. Yes. I'd always been a girl, I'd never been a boy, I had to pretend to be one, but I'd never actually been a boy.

I honestly don't know if it would have really helped to hear all those words, to have someone tell me truly in a completely heartfelt serious manner that it is okay for me to be in those spaces, that it was ok for me to shop for clothes, to use the restroom. But I think it would have. I know friends told me it was ok and that I had nothing to be afraid of, but it always felt to me like they were just saying that to humor me. I'd been conditioned too long and too well to think I was anything but a freak at best, and to expect the worse. And I think a lot of it had to do with I didn't understand that I'd always been a girl. Even now, I get nervous in women only spaces, not nearly as much as I used to, but there is still that part of me that's afraid someone is going to call me a pervert and that I don't belong.

I remember feeling joy sometimes, like at a dance that was organized for us queer kids because we didn't get to be ourselves and/or take the person we actually loved to prom. I remember having a blast dancing with my girlfriend of the time. It is a good memory.

I recall lying in my friend's arms as she held me one afternoon on the couch. Just holding me, it felt so nice. I felt so loved and accepted. She is still one of my best friends even though we don't talk much now. I'm lousy at long distance relationships.

When I lost my childhood counselor and realized if I was going to get to be me, I was going to have to do it all on my own. I sought out a trans friendly psychologist. I told her my name was Karren and she used it from then on, and it felt so good to hear that. To hear someone use my name when they referred to me. It also felt strange because no one had ever done that before, outside of myself in my head.

Unfortunately, most of what I recall of transition, is survival. I'd been disowned, I had no family to fall back on or help me. It was about making sure I had a roof over my head, that I had a job. All the while I was grieving over the loss of everyone I had ever loved, the only home I had ever known. There was the constant fear that I would be on the streets. There was the devastation and hurt I felt when a friend who'd let me stay with her and her mom over the summer accused me of using them, and told me to leave a month before school started. I had spent that time starving because I felt so guilty about her taking me in and using her resources, that I was taking their food and not giving anything back, but grieving so much because I had just lost everyone I had ever known and loved and having so much trouble functioning. I tried to find work that summer but I had zero luck. Not surprising given I was trans, I hadn't legally changed my name yet, and I looked very androgenous because I hadn't fully started living as myself. No one wanted to hire a freak like me. And so I had to find a new place to crash until I could get back on my feet. It was terrifying, and just months after I'd been disowned, here I was losing another safe place.

And that is what I tend to recall, the constant struggle to survive and stay off the streets, to be safe. The constant fear that someone else was going to kick me to the curb. To make matters worse, for my memory anyway, I was dissociating heavily throughout that time and only have a few memories of it. I remember shopping for my first work dress when I finally did get a job as myself. I really loved that dress, a long dress in dark navy blue w/ pink flower print. It was a wonderful dress and it was mine, and I felt I looked good in it.

The day that I changed my name legally, was odd but good. The court official called my deadname, and I had to stand up in front of everyone and answer to it, in my lovely dress. It was terrifying as the process forced me to out myself to everyone in that courtroom, to everyone that was waiting for their turn to stand in front of the judge. But the judge himself was kind. He had kind eyes, and asked me gently if I was sure this was the name I wanted. Then he asked me if I really wanted two middle names, as most people only have one. I said yes I was sure, with a smile because I felt like he cared (I've always had two middle names, but that's a different story). And so he declared my new name as my legal name. And I left that courtroom very happy.

It was very apparent at the time to my coworkers when I finally did land a job that I was very poor. For several weeks I showed up to work in the same dress, day after day. It was all I could afford for nice clothing (I'd grown up in an upper middle class household, I didn't even know cheap thrift stores existed, much less how to shop in places like that that had minimal organization, they were always overwhelming to me. Looking back that makes sense given my ADHD diagnosis many years later). One of them, a wonderful caring young woman, donated several of her old outfits that she didn't wear to me. I was so grateful to her, it was wonderful and amazing to me that she did this. Even though those clothes weren't typically my style, I wore them to work because they were mine, and it meant the world to me that she had given them to me. Also it meant I could wear something other than the single dress I had.

I had to teach myself so many things about being a woman. I didn't have very many female friends yet, and the ones I did have, I was scared to ask these things of them, for fear they'd see me as even more of a freak than I already was (yay hyper-independant trauma response <note sarcasm>). So I taught myself how to do basic makeup. How to do a french braid, that one felt really good to learn, I always wanted to have a french braid. Growing up my sister was in marching band and had to put her hair up for every performance, and often this was in intricate french braids, crowns, and I so wanted to learn how to do that, never did beyond the simple french braid. Never learned how to do just a simple braid on myself well to this day. Ironically, doing the french braid part I find easier, braiding my loose hair that hangs down my back is incredibly hard for me.

I taught myself how coordinate outfits. Though accessories remained a mystery to me for the most part. And somehow, unconsciously, I taught myself how to speak in a way that wouldn't get me misgendered on the phone. How I managed that is still a mystery to me, as to this day I still hate my voice.

The day I woke up from surgery, the first feeling I remember when I could feel that those horrible genitals were no longer there was complete and absolute relief. I cried in relief. Then the nurse and doctor talked with me about how to care for myself, and reassured me that everything was normal. They discussed that my vagina should feel like any other vagina, and had me feel my own, and when I did, I was ecstatic, because they were right.

So I guess there were times I experienced joy in getting to be myself, but it feels like most of it was clouded by grief, pain, guilt, fear, and trying to survive.

So I read these accounts of young trans people's experiences today and I am so happy for the positive experiences they relate, that their are so many young trans people now who get a chance to be themselves, who aren't forced to go through the horror of the wrong puberty. It is amazing, and yes, I envy them a little, with their supportive families, supportive friends. But I'm very happy for them, all the while wishing my family would have been that supportive, that they hadn't put me through the torture that they did and had just loved me and supported me. It's a very had thing to bare, knowing your parents never actually loved you, and wanted you dead. It is a very hard thing.

All the while I am still very aware of how very many trans kids out there who are living a similar experience to mine, whose parents don't support them, who are just trying to survive. Knowing how close I came to not surviving, I often find myself wondering how many of those youth suicides are LGBT+ kids who couldn't be themselves, and couldn't survive. It hurts knowing there's even one trans kid like this, much less the multitudes that there actually are. I wouldn't force that experience on my worst enemy, much less a child. It is why I still dream of creating an LGBT+ halfway house where kids can be themselves, be loved, accepted, and supported. Hopefully someday I'll be well enough and together enough to make that happen.