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gave a presentation to a class of ninth and tenth graders on how to deal with their igcses :] nothing to note they were very silly and cute and i hope i was helpful
#crazy how the two year difference and my college student status earns me respect#tbf tbf the all black blazer and button down combo probably helped#aaahhh they seemed so little#totally butchered the first bit got way too nervous but went back and clarified later on#i think i did okay????#they asked loads of questions#the teachers said it helped them just as much#it might be because they lowkey have a soft spot for me since i was their top student last year#but they were writing notes almost the whole time#surely that means i was saying something worth listening to#BUT LIKE I THINK I DID GOOD??#gave them a bunch of cheat codes#emphasised the importance of past papers#told them how to approach studying post and pre syllabus completion#explained active vs passive recall#listed a whole slide of resources#taught them how to organise the sheer amount of files and documents they'll accumulate#i've been talking about wanting to impart my wisdom and experience since finishing the igcses myself#dfhdfhweofhf i hope it was helpful#i spent so much of tenth grade lowkey wishing someone would tell me about their experience and what they did#gave them my email and work number#surprisingly i actually hope they'll reach out if they ever need help#a few kids came to the office with follow up questions and one of them asked for clarification about emailing or calling me#so i guess it means a few of them are at least considering it?#ahhh i wish i didn't get all flustered for the first bit#but at least i repeated everything#if you're still reading this hi :]
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omg that analysis was everything!! thank you sm! really was a palette cleanser. would love the continuation with the parts you didn't get to - his relationship with jonah and the dynamic within the rue royal household. the housewife insult from claudia really did a number on the fandom's reading of louis. (still not over people seriously considering him the embodiment of "edwardian housewife" archetype while lestat is a classic patriarch. dunno if i wanna laugh or cry).
(x)
Thank you! And yeah, I think I've mentioned it before, but it's interesting to me that so many people take both Claudia's housewife insult and Grace's white daddy insult as effectively one-to-one attributes instead of as weapons of emasculation to not only try and hurt Louis, but to goad him into action.
The dynamic of the Rue Royale household is probably it's own entire answer, and one that might be best answered after I've finished my re-watch, but yes! Let's talk about Jonah. Or, well, about sex, haha.
Virtue and the gothic heroine
One of the key attributes of a gothic heroine is her virtue, because Gothicism as a genre is rooted intrinsically in the loss of that virtue. What that means or looks like exactly changes – in the earliest stories within the genre, that loss of virtue was a result of perversion or corruption and usually spelled doom for the heroine, and in later stories it marked a point of transformation or metamorphosis where the loss of that virtue often came to symbolise a transition from girlhood to adulthood.
Virtue was, and still is, often depicted in the genre through virginity as excellently stated in the paper Female Virtue in Gothic Literature 1780-1810 “female morality was irrevocably intertwined with a sexual code of conduct. Daughters…were reminded that their most important attribute was intact virginity and wives were constantly retold their worth relied upon their chastity and therefore their ability to bear legitimate children.”
This came to define gothic literature, and her loss of virginity became pretty vital as a character beat as it would mark this loss of agency which I talked about a bit in the last post. Significantly too though, the gothic heroine usually has men after her virtue. Which, well, - -
As put in this paper Haunted Heroines: An Examination of the Complication of the Gothic Heroine: “She is the object of the perverted sexual desire of older men, above all representing the innocence and purity that the men are themselves negations of.”
Typically, when she did lose her virginity, she’d end up with three options: she could marry the man who took her virginity, she could “give up the idea of marriage and take holy orders” (aka become a nun), or she could die. Regardless of the decision she makes, the actual choice is a really marked moment for the gothic heroine, as it’s often the only actual moment of agency she gets in a story which is invested in her disempowerment. She has to give herself away – to a husband, to God, or to death – because the gothic, particularly the female gothic, understands that once her body has been taken by a man, it can never be her own again for better and for worse.
Claudia loses her virginity way back in season 1, but she’s robbed even of that momentary agency, because her body itself stays virginal. She does not get to make a choice. The monstrosity of Claudia’s making is that she will never not be an innocent, the virtuousness that men seek to take from her can never be taken, and thus she is never allowed transformation, she is never allowed her moment of agency, and she can never belong to another. It re-emphasises her arrested development, but it also keeps her trapped as the gothic heroine in Louis and Lestat’s house forever. There is no getting out for Claudia, she dies without transformation, she dies so that she can be mourned by the monsters in the house.
The Byronic Hero and the Past
On the flip side of that, the Byronic Hero is, inherently, a romantic, both physically and poetically, or as Jean Ann Bates put in her excellent 1949 essay “The Byronic hero is distinguished by the clearly defined existence of sensuousness and its antithesis, sensitiveness.” After all, as an archetype, he’s based on Lord Byron who fucked his way through Venice while producing some of the most romantic poetry ever, in history.
Bates continues:
“The Byronic hero is almost always a man with a mysterious past. This past is usually surmised to be of wickedness and sin, and our hero is periodically haunted by feelings of remorse concerning it…the mood of the Byronic hero is one of intense melancholy and pessimism; yet we feel underlying this apparently static exterior, the beat of throbbing life energy. Like the Corsair, the Byronic hero is ‘warp’d by the world of disappointment. He seems to loathe himself and all mankind, and is always one apart from his fellow creatures…The Byronic hero’s character is amoral rather than immoral…The Byronic hero is all that is characteristic of the somewhat jaded cosmopolitan man of the world.”
The whole essay’s a great read, and I think again, really encapsulates Louis’ character, but I wanted to talk a little bit about this sense of a mysterious past and one surmised to be of wickedness and sin, because I think it’s an overlooked part of Louis’ arc.
Because he tells us in such soaring, and romantic detail, this large portion of his life, it can be easy to think we know all of it, when really, there’s a lot we don’t know about Louis as a young man. We meet him when he’s 33-years-old, we know that his father is dead, that the sugar plantation his father owned went broke, that he and his brother had a chapter of their shared life where they shuffled for pennies, but we lack a lot of context beyond these glimmers of what Louis tells us.
In particular, we don’t really know that much about his sexual history before Lestat, which is actually pretty typical of the Byronic Hero. Think the reveal of Rochester’s wife in Jane Eyre or Heathcliff’s three year absence where he mysteriously returns wealthy in Wuthering Heights and soon marries Isabella, the Byronic Hero has chapters that remain unrevealed to us, and part of that is often soaked in sexual or romantic undertones.
In the first episode, Louis talks about the fact that he didn’t consider himself a homosexual, which I think can become a focus, but I’m more interested in the earlier exchange with Daniel where Louis articulates using Lily as cover for his sexuality.
If you take this scene at face value, and look at it on its own, Louis’ saying yes, he had urges towards men, but his faith was keeping him in check, only if you look at it with the scene before it, we see him refuse to enter the church confessional after joking with Paul that Paul is wasting people's time as he has nothing to confess. An implication, perhaps, that Louis knows that he does.
My reading of that has always been that Louis was sleeping with men in New Orleans long before Lestat came into the picture, and probably a fair few, but the show plays with Louis’ unreliable narration and the mystery of his sexual history to shroud that really until Jonah’s introduction. Jonah, after all, not only confirms that Louis had been with other men prior to Lestat, (as does Louis’ familiarity with the bayou as a gay hook up site), and that he wasn’t keeping much of anything at bay through the threat of absolution, but that he was sleeping with boys.
Louis’ 33 when he’s turned in 1910, and we know from the notice in this episode that we’re now in 1917, so Louis should be 40. We don’t know how old Jonah is, but given they look like contemporaries now, I think you could pretty safely gauge that if Louis was hooking up with him when Jonah was 16, he was probably in his mid-twenties. The context of the era is, of course, important, and there are a million reasons why Louis might have taken the opportunity with a teenager (although I think given Louis’ relationship with power, particularly in the NOLA era, we can assume that plays a role) but the narrative choice of the show to make Jonah a teenager when they hooked up – just like the choice to have Madeleine sleep with a Nazi teenager – is a deliberate ethical muddying of the waters to show that these elements of the monstrousness and the predator existed in him prior to his turning.
Louis is not, and has never been virtuous. He is not chaste when Lestat first has sex with him, and he is not an innocent when Lestat turns him. He can’t be corrupted, because, like a true Byronic hero, he is corrupt.
I could talk more here about the Paris park hook-ups, or the 128 boys in San Francisco (literally the most Byron thing imaginable to fuck your way through the city and then try and write a book about your ex lmao), but I think it’s worth leaving it at the New Orleans era, because I think what Jonah represents is not just Louis’ tendency to paint himself in the best light, but the mystery of his past and his inherent sexual agency which is vital to a Byronic hero. Louis is deeply feeling, and he’s capable of being in love with Lestat and having his heart dance with another man, he’s allowed sexual agency and sexual freedom even if it does lead to a bitter fight with Lestat because he's not under the thumb of the patriarch, he is one of the patriarchs. Lestat might follow after all, he might watch, but he doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t exert control, in fact he fills the house with other men to offer Louis the deepening of depravity even through his own jealousy and, notably, empties the house when Louis tells him to.
Again, this goes back to what I was saying in the last post, but Louis doesn’t lack agency. The townhouse is not a prison to him, Lestat’s patriarchal, yes, but so’s Louis, he’s just more emotionally manipulative about how he keeps Claudia close to him. Louis' sexuality is a huge part of him, but it also doesn't define him in the way Claudia's virginity does. After all, for Claudia her sexuality is symbolic of her eternal chastity and girlhood, a gothic heroine locked in a prison of her own innocence, whereas for Louis, it gets to be so much more, because as a Byronic Hero, he gets to be so much more.
#this is very long lol sorry#i'd actually forgotten the specifics of the seeking ass before absolution line before i rewatched the ep and it made me laugh#sir you were absolutely seeking ass before absolution i love you <3#louis de pointe du lac#claudia de pointe du lac#gonna make it a tag ->#byronic hero#louis asks#welcome to my ama#gothic archetypes
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Newspaper Helsingin Sanomat has created a calculator to help readers determine if it is more cost effective for them to rent or buy a home in the current market.
HS noted the shifting attitudes towards home ownership in Finland, with renting becoming a viable alternative for many.
"In the 1990s, young couples were automatically asked when they planned to buy a home, now they are asked if they are going to buy one. It is no longer taken for granted," said Anne Viita, director of Finnish Tenants, an advocacy group for renters.
Viita told HS that uncertainties around job security as well as a more mobile lifestyle have made renting attractive, offering an exit option without the obligations of ownership, such as repair or renovation costs.
Rising costs in home ownership, including mortgage rates, energy and maintenance fees, have also dampened enthusiasm for buying.
Juho Kostiainen, an economist at Nordea, said that while mortgage costs can surpass rent, ownership remains appealing because loan repayments contribute to personal equity.
Economist Veera Holappa of the Pellervo Economic Research (PTT) meanwhile noted to HS that in cities like Helsinki and Tampere, owning was twice as expensive as renting in 2023. However, a recent decrease in interest rates has somewhat balanced the equation.
Holappa added that high rental supply is keeping rent increases modest in the Helsinki area.
For first-time buyers, falling property prices present an opportunity, though current owners may find it challenging to sell at past values.
Immigration has also contributed to the rental market's growth, with newcomers typically renting during their first years in Finland, according to Kostiainen.
Far-right's building burns
Tabloid Ilta-Sanomat reports that a fire broke out early on Monday morning at a building known as a hub for Finland's far-right groups in the Hiiltomo industrial area of Hyvinkää.
The blaze, which affected a single-story structure of approximately 400 square metres known as Otsola, required a response from 14 firefighting units.
Although the building was not completely destroyed, it sustained extensive damage. Authorities did not immediately comment on the suspected cause of the fire.
Otsola is unique in Finland as a space openly identified with far-right groups, the most prominent being the openly fascist Blue-Black Movement.
Members have referred to the building as a cultural centre, hosting various gatherings and events, including concerts.
Finnish forestry exports and Trump
Rural-focused newspaper Maaseudun Tulevaisuus writes that Donald Trump's re-election raises questions for Finland's forestry industry, particularly regarding his proposals to boost American manufacturing and impose broad import tariffs.
Trump's campaign included a general 10 percent tariff on imports, with a specific 60 percent levy targeting Chinese goods.
Finland's major forestry players — UPM, Stora Enso, and Metsä Group's Metsä Board — remain cautious, with all three declining to speculate on potential impacts.
Timo Tolonen of the lobby group Finnish Forest Industries emphasised that any significant change will happen over time, with Trump's term starting in January and policy shifts possibly taking even longer.
"It's too early to judge at this stage. As an industry, we support free trade and measures that do not lead to protectionism, ensuring a level playing field for industry," Tolonen told MT.
Currently, Finland exports forestry products worth one billion euros annually to the US, accounting for over eight percent of the country's total forestry exports.
For Metsä Board, which exports primarily from Finland and Sweden without local US production, new tariffs could pose challenges.
UPM, on the other hand, operates production sites in the US, potentially giving it an advantage if Trump's policies favour domestic manufacturers.
Increased tariffs may reduce demand for Finnish imports, forcing companies to seek new markets and offer discounts, especially in competitive sectors like cardboard.
Meanwhile, the US dollar's value has bolstered in the wake of Trump's victory. This could help offset some impacts by making Finnish exports cheaper for American buyers, though how long this exchange rate will hold remains uncertain.
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Friday, 26th October 2024,
How to unlock your creavity, a reminder to one’s self:
I want to track my progress, bit by bit, and witness my growth over time. Some may say my drive for improvement is overly ambitious, but for me, it’s rooted in hope…
A hope to finally succeed and, perhaps more deeply, a desire to prove to my parents that my decision to pursue art full-time was the right one. Every step forward, no matter how small, brings me closer to realising both my dreams and my belief in the path I’ve chosen
Again, I am in my first year…
My teacher recommended me this book, It’s book about animation, by Shamaus Culhane, he became the lead designer for Snow White. Fun fact: He was on the verge of being fired in his earlier years
Honestly… It’s inspiring to look back and see how people in the past, with far less technology than we have today, still found ingenious ways to solve complex problems. It’s comforting to realise that, with time these struggles and uncertainties, that I’m facing now, will begin to face, again with due time…
This reminds me of how artists in earlier times used pinholes to aid in their painting…a simple yet brilliant tool! Honestly, reinforces the idea how references are so important!
(Another nice reminder to use them)
The author begins by describing how their animation work seemed to occur in two distinct stages.
The first stage was a “daydream” phase characterised by a burst of energy where the artist avoided contemplation, allowing their subconscious mind to take over! (Introspection was absent during this part of the process)
The second stage was more deliberate, involving conscious thought and analysis, where the artist took time to reflect on the drawing and the emotions it conveyed.
The author references a specific book, which discusses the functions of the brain and the idea that the right side is more creative, while the left side is more analytical.
We can see it through how he highlights the quote from the book he read, stating that the brain works best when daydreaming, hinting at the value of the right hemisphere in the creative process.
This section concludes by illustrating the practical results of this theory, showing a set of drawings that progressively improve within a short span of time. These drawings exemplify how activating the right side of the brain leads to creative breakthroughs!
Again, I also do think Pomodoro technique works wonders!
Especially with an artist with ADHD (like me), it’s basically when break your work time into intervals (traditionally 25 minutes long, but I do around 30 minutes, since I have been training my brain) called “Pomodoros,” followed by short breaks (usually 5 minutes, once again I do 2 minutes each)
REMEMBER TO PLAN PLAN PLAN! BEFORE YOU DRAW OR YOU END UP BLANK……………..
Anyway, the author quotes that when creativity is in demand, the right side must suppress the left side’s desire to control and analyse. To maintain the creative flow, it’s important to avoid overthinking, as even a single moment of conscious thought can halt the creative process.
In summary, this chapter of the book (3) emphasises the distinction between the analytical and creative functions of the brain, showing how the creative side flourishes when allowed to operate without interference from the more rational side.
It suggests that achieving artistic breakthroughs requires letting go of conscious thought and trusting the intuitive, subconscious processes associated with the right side of the brain, which… Worked!
❤️ Less thinking more working, get your ideas down on paper so you can develop them into the thoughts you want! That’s how you can truely create what you think about!
Examples of drawings I did with this new mindset! They roughly took the same amount of time, around 10-45 minutes! (Done in span of 2 days, school work is such a bitch…)
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Going down in Flames as Two Worlds collide.
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Squinting at the light, Luz Noceda closed her eyes, waiting for them to adjust.
Chrips of birds and the sound of the sea greeted her ears.
The sea.
Eyes now open, she gazed around her. It was the forest near the Owl House, as it was months ago when she first came to the Boiling Isles.
...But wouldn't it be different? The Collector did rearrange everything, but...
...No, there's no point thinking on that stuff yet. Everyone probably got scattered, and made their way to the Owl House. With that in mind, Luz got herself up, dusted herself off and began walking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Luz Noceda gave a shuddering breath, rubbing her eyes in the bathroom.
She thought 'The Owl Lady' was just a nod to Owlbert, not that she could literally turn into a giant Owl Beast.
It was cool, she won't lie! ...Just, you know, when it isn't trying to hunt her down.
After the events of yesterday, she was still feeling jittery, which led her to breathing in and out slowly.
'Okay Luz, I know you had a near death experience yesterday, but you need to calm down.' she thought to herself. 'Sides, it can't get weirder, right?'
Turning back to her mirror, her eyes widened.
She looked at herself, but... her reflection looked tired. Like, hasn't-slept-in-days tired.
Tilting her head to the side, her reflection followed, with Luz noticing a few more details; the reflection wore a jacket with a star on the right and a large 'E' on the left, baby green pants and a red beanie with a eye and... a Bi pin?
She means. It isn't a secret, like, but still, she'd never have the confidence to wear it in front of Mamì.
She wouldn't be mad! ...It's just that, Luz doesn't know how to approach it.
She blinked. Then the mirror blinked a second later. She paused. The two stared at each other.
"...Hi?" she greeted awkwardly.
"Hey." her doppelgänger replied, and Luz yelped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...The kid was weird. The other kid just as.
Eda sat down, a massive headache going off like fireworks when she visited the Human Realm on November 5th (a celebration of some kind?), and even more confused at the sight in front of her.
On the left: Luz Noceda, the happy-go-lucky girl with an ambitious will to become a Witch despite being human.
On the right: Also Luz Noceda, but looking like she just watched the most disappointing Grudgby match ever.
Trust her, she's made that expression enough as is already.
And, most glaringly of all, wearing her Grudgby jacket.
"...So, am I drunk? Just want to ask that."
"Nope; I mean, maybe a bit... you know, from yesterday, but definitely not drunk!" Happy Luz replied.
Eda turned to face Tired Luz. "Well, getting to the point: who are you?"
"Luz Noceda." she replied, then added, "From like, a few months into the future."
"...What on Titan happened?" Tired Luz didn't answer that. Happy Luz, however, turned to Eda.
"Wait; time travel is real?!"
...Yeah, Eda admits: that's equally as important.
"Time Pools." Tired Luz answered first. "Although, I didn't use one to get here. I don't even know how I managed to get here..."
"...So, you're Luz from the future." a nod. "Who traveled through time to get to the past." another nod.
"How can you prove it...?" Happy Luz suspicious looked at her, then snapped her fingers. "Alright; what happened earlier this night?"
"Eda's Curse acted up, and you--I--learnt how to use the Light Glyph." to emphasise her point, she took out a piece of paper with the Glyph on and tapped it. The paper then went in onto itself, and became a ball of light that hovered over Tired Luz's hand.
"...Eh, good enough for me." Eda shrugged, then turned serious again. "Alright, kid. I'm not as heartless as I'm made out to be, but I am very good at not thinking things through without Apple Blood. Soooooooo..." she turned to Luz. "Mind keeping yourself company until we can send her back?"
Happy Luz's smile was radiant. Tired Luz also smiled, but perhaps from relief that Eda wasn't thinking things through probably.
Ah well. She can worry about that later.
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Crack the H2 Code: A Student's Guide to Math Tuition Triumphs
In the intricate and demanding terrain of H2 Math, a subject fraught with complexities and nuanced concepts, students frequently find themselves in search of reliable guidance to successfully unravel the intricacies of mathematical theories and emerge triumphant in their examinations. In response to this academic challenge, this comprehensive guide aims to provide students with an arsenal of practical strategies tailored specifically for navigating the demanding landscape of H2 Math tuition. As the intricacies of the subject pose unique hurdles, ranging from advanced calculus to abstract algebra, the need for a clear, systematic approach becomes increasingly apparent. In the upcoming sections, we will delve into these strategies, emphasising a pragmatic and results-oriented methodology designed to empower students to not only comprehend but master the intricate code of H2 Mathematics.
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Cracking the H2 Code is no small feat, but with the right strategies and the support of H2 Math Tuition, students can triumph over the challenges that the subject presents. By prioritising core concepts, embracing consistent practice, and actively engaging in tuition, students can navigate the H2 Math landscape and emerge victorious in their examinations. H2 Math Tuition serves as an educational supplement and as a strategic partner in a student’s journey to conquer the intricate code of H2 Mathematics. Contact Axiom Education Singapore today to learn more.
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Healing Horizons: Exploring Uttar Pradesh's Top Medical Institutions
Hind Institute of Medical Sciences,Uttar Pradesh
Within the endless scene of medical education in India, Hind Founded of Medical Sciences (HIMS) sparkles brightly as a chief institution, advertising top-notch education and preparing in the field of medicine. Arranged within the socially wealthy state of Uttar Pradesh, Hind Institute of Medical Sciences stands as a signal of brilliance, supporting aspiring doctors and healthcare experts through its comprehensive MBBS program.
A Bequest of Greatness:
Built up with a vision to impart quality medical education, HIMS has carved a specialty for itself within the domain of healthcare academia. Since its initiation, the foundation has remained committed to its mission of creating talented and compassionate healthcare experts who can address the advancing healthcare challenges of the 21st century.
State-of-the-Art Foundation:
HIMS has a state-of-the-art framework that gives students a conducive learning environment. The campus is prepared with cutting edge classrooms, well-equipped research facilities, advanced investigation offices, and an endless library supplied with a plenty of medical writing. Moreover, the institute houses a tertiary care clinic, giving students hands-on clinical experience under the guidance of prepared medical specialists.
Master Staff:
At HIMS, learning isn't just restricted to reading material; it's an immersive involvement encouraged by a team of experienced workforce individuals. The workforce comprises famous doctors, analysts, and restorative professionals who are passionate, almost giving knowledge and sustaining the abilities of budding doctors. Through their direction and mentorship, students pick up important experiences and practical skills basic for their travel in the medical profession.
Comprehensive Curriculum:
The MBBS program at HIMS is planned to supply students with a comprehensive understanding of medical science, including both theoretical knowledge and practical application. The educational program is frequently updated to join the most recent advancements within the field of medication, ensuring that students are well-prepared to meet the requests of present day healthcare practice. From anatomy and physiology to clinical turns and bedside conduct, every angle of the educational modules is fastidiously created to cultivate holistic development.
Clinical Exposure:
One of the highlights of considering at HIMS is the sufficient clinical exposure students get all through their scholastic travel. With getting to a fully-functional hospital on campus, students have the opportunity to connect with patients, watch medical strategies, and effectively take an interest in healthcare delivery beneath the supervision of experienced clinicians. This hands-on encounter not as it were improves their clinical abilities but moreover ingrains in them a sense of compassion and professionalism.
Investigate and Advancement:
HIMS energises a culture of research and development, giving understudies opportunities to engage in investigating ventures and logical endeavours. From conducting clinical trials to showing papers at national and worldwide conferences, students are energised to explore their scholarly interface and contribute to the progression of medical science.
Past Scholastics:
Separated from scholarly pursuits, HIMS emphasises the all encompassing advancement of its students. The organisation organises different extracurricular exercises, social occasions, and community outreach programs, giving students with a well-rounded educational involvement. These exercises not only help in sharpening their interpersonal aptitudes but moreover instil in them a sense of social responsibility and authority.
Venkateswara Established of Medical Sciences, Amroha:
Within the heart of the pleasant city of Amroha, Uttar Pradesh, lies a guide of medical instruction and development - the Venkateswara Institute of Medical Sciences (VIMS). Built up with a vision to confer quality healthcare instruction and cultivate greatness in medical investigation, VIMS stands tall as a chief institution within the field of medicine. With its state-of-the-art foundation, master workforce, and commitment to all encompassing improvement, VIMS has developed as a favoured goal for aspiring healthcare professionals over the nation.
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Founded on the principles of scholarly fabulousness and moral hone, VIMS incorporates a wealthy bequest of creating competent and compassionate healthcare experts. Since its beginning, the founder has been steadfast in its mission to maintain the most noteworthy standards of medical instruction and patient care. Guided by visionary leadership and fueled by an enthusiasm for brilliance, VIMS continues to set benchmarks in healthcare academia and research.
State-of-the-Art Infrastructure:
At VIMS, students are given a world-class learning environment upheld by a state-of-the-art foundation. The campus envelops advanced classrooms, well-equipped laboratories, progressed investigation offices, and an endless library supplied with a broad collection of medical writing. Moreover, the organisation houses a multi-specialty clinic prepared with cutting-edge medical innovation, providing students with hands-on clinical experience beneath the supervision of experienced faculty members.
Expert Faculty:
Central to the success of VIMS is its eminent workforce comprising eminent specialists, analysts, and medical experts. With their vast involvement and ability in their particular areas, the workforce individuals serve as tutors and guides, supporting the mental interest and clinical abilities of the students. Through intuitively educating strategies, viable shows, and investigating collaborations, the workforce at VIMS guarantees that students are well-prepared to meet the challenges of present day healthcare practice.
Conclusion:
In conclusion, Hind Institute of Medical Sciences stands as a testament to greatness in MBBS in Uttar Pradesh. With its commitment to academic rigour, clinical brilliance, and holistic improvement, HIMS proceeds to inspire and enable the following era of healthcare professionals.VIMS continues to rouse and engage the following era of healthcare pioneers. For aspiring specialists seeking a fulfilling career in medication, VIMS & offers a transformative learning encounter that plans them to excel in the dynamic and challenging scene of healthcare.
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Your Complete Guide to Obtaining a Tourist Visa in Morocco: Simplified Steps for Your Dream Trip
Are you interested in exploring Morocco's charming cities, enormous deserts, and breathtaking landscapes? If you want to see the rich culture and scenic splendour of this North African jewel, the first step is to obtain a tourist visa. This tutorial will follow you through the simple process of obtaining a tourist visa for Morocco, emphasising the Morocco e-Visa system, to ensure your trip starts successfully.
Introduction to the Morocco e-Visa
Morocco is a fascinating place for people from all over the world to visit because it has both old and new things, as well as mountains and deserts. For many, getting into this lively country requires a visa. The good news is that the Morocco e-Visa system makes visa application easier and faster for people from certain countries.
Why do you need a visa to go to Morocco?
What kind of visa you need to enter Morocco depends on where you are from. Countries' citizens can visit Morocco for up to 90 days without a visa. These include US citizens, citizens of EU member states, and citizens of Australia. If you are not from a country that doesn't need a visa, you must get one before your journey.
The Simple Way to Get a Morocco e-Visa.
Tourists who need a visa can quickly apply for one online with the Morocco e-Visa, so they don't have to go to an office or embassy. This improvement is part of Morocco's plan to make it easier for people from other countries to enter. The e-visa system makes it easy for people to fill out their forms, upload the necessary papers, and pay the visa fees online. This process not only saves travellers time but also gives them the freedom and ease they need to plan their trips. The Morocco e-Visa makes it easier for travellers to enjoy the country's beautiful scenery, fascinating past, and lively culture.
Moroccan Tourist Visa Application: Step-by-Step
Morocco is a fascinating country with a rich history, colourful cultures, and stunning scenery. Travelling to Morocco has become easier with the Moroccan e-Visa system. Below is a full guide to applying:
1. Eligibility
Make sure you qualify for the Morocco e-Visa before applying. This digital visa process speeds up and simplifies the application process for eligible nationals. If your country does not qualify for an e-Visa, you may be excused if you are from visa-exempt countries like the US, EU, or Australia, which offer 90 days of visa-free travel. Visa applicants must proceed.
2. Important Documents
A smooth application requires preparation. You need these documents:
Valid passport: Make sure your passport is valid for at least six months after your scheduled Moroccan entrance. This is essential for application consideration.
Two recent passport-sized photos are usually required for visas. These should be coloured and clear.
Hotel reservations or invitation letters from friends or family might prove lodging. This paper should list your address and stay.
Return Flight Tickets or Itinerary: Officials need to see your scheduled entry and exit from Morocco.
Bank Statements: You'll need current bank statements to prove you can sustain yourself during your stay.
Travel insurance: While not required, it is suggested for unexpected medical bills or travel concerns.
3. Apply online
Prepare your documents and fill out the Morocco e-Visa application form on the official portal. You must enter personal, travel, and document information on the form. Check your application for accuracy and completeness. Then, pay the visa fee online as instructed. Fees depend on your nationality and type of visa.
4. Get your Morocco e-Visa
After applying and paying, you must wait for processing. This could take days or weeks, depending on the conditions. Your Morocco e-Visa will arrive electronically after approval. Morocco requires a copy of your e-visa and passport upon arrival.
Following these steps and planning can help you get your Moroccan tourist visa and visit this beautiful nation. Start your application soon before your travel dates to ensure all paperwork is proper and filed on schedule.
Types of Moroccan visas
While the Morocco e-Visa is basically intended for visitors, alternative visa options include transit visas and long-term visas for job, education, or family reunions. The application process and required documentation may differ for various visas.
Conclusion: Begin Your Moroccan Adventure with a Morocco e-Visa
Getting your Morocco e-Visa is the first step towards visiting Morocco's bustling cities, beautiful landscapes, and rich cultural heritage. With this simplified visa application process, you'll be one step closer to your dream Moroccan journey.
Looking to simplify your trip plans even more? Consider Visa Collect for a hassle-free visa application. With VisaCollect, you can be confident that your application is in capable hands, giving you more time to prepare for the enjoyable aspects of your trip.
A trip to Morocco involves some planning, but with the appropriate assistance and awareness of the visa process, your adventure can start smoothly. Morocco offers a variety of experiences for every traveller, whether you're exploring the bustling marketplaces of Marrakech, hiking the Atlas Mountains, or walking through the turquoise lanes of Chefchaouen. So why the wait? Contact VisaCollect now and get set to embark on your next adventure!
FAQs for Morocco Tourist Visa
Q: How long may I stay in Morocco on a tourist visa?
A tourist visa allows for stays of up to 90 days.
Q: Can I prolong my stay in Morocco beyond the period of my visa?
A: You can request a visa extension at the nearest Police Precinct in Morocco.
Q: If I'm travelling through Morocco, do I need to apply for a visa?
A: If you are in transit for less than 72 hours and do not leave the airport, you may not require a transit visa. However, before embarking on your journey, ensure that the most recent restrictions have been verified.
Tips for a Smooth Moroccan e-Visa Application Process
To ensure processing time, apply well in advance of your travel date.
To avoid delays, ensure that all documents are completed and accurately filled out.
Keep a copy of your e-visa on your phone or print it out when travelling.
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MIT publishes white papers to guide AI governance
New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/mit-publishes-white-papers-to-guide-ai-governance/
MIT publishes white papers to guide AI governance
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A committee of MIT leaders and scholars has published a series of white papers aiming to shape the future of AI governance in the US. The comprehensive framework outlined in these papers seeks to extend existing regulatory and liability approaches to effectively oversee AI while fostering its benefits and mitigating potential harm.
Titled “A Framework for U.S. AI Governance: Creating a Safe and Thriving AI Sector,” the main policy paper proposes leveraging current US government entities to regulate AI tools within their respective domains.
Dan Huttenlocher, dean of the MIT Schwarzman College of Computing, emphasises the pragmatic approach of initially focusing on areas where human activity is already regulated and gradually expanding to address emerging risks associated with AI.
The framework underscores the importance of defining the purpose of AI tools, aligning regulations with specific applications and holding AI providers accountable for the intended use of their technologies.
Asu Ozdaglar, deputy dean of academics in the MIT Schwarzman College of Computing, believes having AI providers articulate the purpose and intent of their tools is crucial for determining liability in case of misuse.
Addressing the complexity of AI systems existing at multiple levels, the brief acknowledges the challenges of governing both general and specific AI tools. The proposal advocates for a self-regulatory organisation (SRO) structure to supplement existing agencies, offering responsive and flexible oversight tailored to the rapidly evolving AI landscape.
Furthermore, the policy papers call for advancements in auditing AI tools—exploring various pathways such as government-initiated, user-driven, or legal liability proceedings.
The consideration of a government-approved SRO – akin to the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) – is proposed to enhance domain-specific knowledge and facilitate practical engagement with the dynamic AI industry.
MIT’s involvement in AI governance stems from its recognised expertise in AI research, positioning the institution as a key contributor to addressing the challenges posed by evolving AI technologies. The release of these whitepapers signals MIT’s commitment to promoting responsible AI development and usage.
You can find MIT’s series of AI policy briefs here.
(Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash)
See also: AI & Big Data Expo: Demystifying AI and seeing past the hype
Want to learn more about AI and big data from industry leaders? Check out AI & Big Data Expo taking place in Amsterdam, California, and London. The comprehensive event is co-located with Cyber Security & Cloud Expo and Digital Transformation Week.
Explore other upcoming enterprise technology events and webinars powered by TechForge here.
Tags: ai, artificial intelligence, ethics, governance, government, law, legal, mit, policy, regulation, Society
#2023#ai#ai & big data expo#ai news#amp#applications#approach#artificial#Artificial Intelligence#Big Data#Cloud#coffee#comprehensive#computing#cyber#cyber security#data#december#development#Digital Transformation#domains#enterprise#Ethics#Ethics & Society#Events#financial#Financial industry#framework#Future#governance
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The Ultimate Guide to Choosing the Best DHA Coaching Center for Your Success
Introduction:
Are you aspiring to join the prestigious armed forces and looking for the best DHA coaching centre to help you achieve your dreams? Look no further! In this comprehensive guide, we will walk you through the key factors to consider when selecting a DHA coaching centre. With our expert insights and tips, you'll be well-equipped to make an informed decision that can significantly impact your chances of success in the Defense Housing Authority (DHA) exams.
Section 1: Understanding the Importance of DHA Coaching
Explaining the significance of joining a DHA coaching centre
Highlighting the competitive nature of DHA exams and the need for proper guidance
Discussing the advantages of enrolling in a reputable coaching centre
Section 2: Key Considerations for Choosing the Best DHA Coaching Center
Reputation and Track Record:
Emphasising the importance of selecting a coaching centre with a proven track record of success
Highlighting the significance of testimonials, reviews, and past student achievements
Experienced and Qualified Faculty:
Discussing the role of experienced faculty members in providing quality education and guidance
Exploring the significance of faculty-to-student ratio for personalised attention
Comprehensive Study Material:
Outlining the importance of well-structured study material that covers the entire DHA syllabus
Discussing the availability of updated resources, including books, practice papers, and online content
Teaching Methodology:
Exploring different teaching methodologies employed by coaching centres (e.g., interactive sessions, practical exercises)
Discussing the benefits of a student-centred approach for effective learning
Mock Tests and Assessments:
Highlighting the significance of regular mock tests to gauge exam preparedness
Discussing the role of assessments in identifying strengths and areas needing improvement
Infrastructure and Facilities:
Discussing the importance of a conducive learning environment
Highlighting the need for modern infrastructure, libraries, and access to digital resources\
Section 3: Other Factors to Consider
Exploring additional considerations such as location, batch size, and affordability
Encouraging readers to visit coaching centres in person and attend demo classes
Conclusion:
Choosing the best DHA coaching centre is a crucial step towards achieving success in the highly competitive DHA exams. By considering factors such as reputation, faculty, study material, teaching methodology, assessments, and infrastructure, you can make an informed decision. Remember, your preparation plays a vital role in shaping your future, so invest your time and efforts wisely. Good luck on your journey towards a successful career in the armed forces!
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What is the Science Behind Anxiety? Is it Normal for Us to Feel Anxious? - KK
Are you all having your daunting examinations, and there you are, blindly staring at a sheet of paper that hasn’t even been written, touched yet? Well, in this essay, I won’t be giving tons of useful advice for you but will emphasise on explaining why this happens all behind science and general common sense, which could explain this huge explanation on your worries with examinations, presentations, ceremonies and etc. Before we begin with our journey, I want you to envision your brain, close your eyes - and think about what is your brain packed with. It could be your missing assignments, the urge to complete plentiful work, the door to procrastination.. Let’s call these “mind blocks”, each of them add up positively or negatively to our brains but once it has been fully loaded or overloaded, it becomes chaotic and instantly turns into a “block-fill” - similar to a landfill. As a result, Mr. Anxiety comes along and brings up tons of doubts and questions, which builds a sense of negativity and stress to our wellbeing.
According to research conducted by Northwestern Medicine, the brain’s limbic system, comprised of the hippocampus, amygdala, hypothalamus, and thalamus, is responsible for the majority of emotional processing. By separating both important parts that results emotions flowing, the amygdala and hippocampus, the amygdala helps process and regulate both positive and negative emotions as the neurons towards the front, which is the anterior region of the amygdala are the one that plays a prominent role in these regulations of behaviors tied to the negative emotional responses. On the other hand, we also have the hippocampus, now it's not hippo and campus together. We can't build a hippo campus together, what else would they be doing, spend their time in the water? No! The hippocampus is basically originated in Greece, where they thought that the part of the curved, tube-like structure of the brain looked similar to a seahorse, doesn't that sound intriguing? The function of the hippocampus plays a big role in emotional processing, to be specific, it handles anxiety and avoidance behaviors, and it also affects other fundamental elements of thinking like memory and spatial navigation.
With all of these scientific or neuroscience research at hand, we can tell the amygdala and the hippocampus do have critical factors in order to fully operate your emotions at hand. What these little creatures do is that they bring you either the best or worst emotions in you, the way that they bring anxiety is by being over-reactive or hypersensitive (amygdala specifically), which can certainly lead to fear and anxiety responses to situations experiences that are not really dangerous. However, it can affect our mental perception and overall health. On the other hand, the amygdala also stores the memories of stimulus related to fear and the hippocampus is the one that holds contextual stimulus about fear, which signifies that both of these structures possess complementary roles in fear conditioning.
To sum up, you may think that your ways of doubting and worrying is because of past experiences, but why not have a deep sense and understanding of the neuroscience of anxiety?
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EdITING dAY 2
SOUNdS ANd COLOURS
We went on to start with colour grading as I already had in mind what colours and tints we will be using.
Each scene was shot in the correct lighting and matched its mood thus we only had to enhance most of the stuff. The first half was in a yellowish orange tint as I opted for a warm colour since the mental illness had not hit her with full force and there was still a little bit of comfort and bliss.
As things process this shade keeps getting darker until it reaches the last scenes where we used the lights with red gelatin paper. Thus this shows a gradual progression of things getting darker and more red- an indicator of caution and danger becoming more prominent.
The office scenes also used a more bluish-green cool tone to show detachment since Jay started with being cold and annoyed to his sister. He has also lived a rather harsh life with the high dependency of his sister on him.
One of the flashbacks used a dark pinkish tint, while she was sobbing. From my director's POV I thought this color symbolised nostalgia and longing for what her life could have been had she not had such neglecting parents. The next flashback had a very greyish dull tint correctly symbolizing depressive flashback. I also really wanted a sepia vintage filter which correctly labels these scenes as from the past.
The film was now missing one extremely important thing- sound. Without the correct haunting music or romantic one so many scenes feel incomplete and can be interpreted differently. Since putting music is also a time taking task we had already made a list of what kind of sound tracks we needed. This was all non-diagetic music which we were going to be downloading from the web.
This is the background music we used. It is long enough, that we could select parts of the soundtrack for different areas. As the director sound is also soft so that it does not interfere with the dialogues, but visible enough to make its haunting presence known and therefore thought that it works.
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This soundtrack had its 'bam' and very abrupt cresendos which were needed for different scenes like when Samaira suddenly gets up. There's no dialogue here and I wanted the sound to take the front seat and hold greater significance here thus this was a very loud sound track.
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The scene where she texts her brother, needed chat bubbles to be edited on, which we would put the next day.
The next soundtrack we used was one that I personally really wanted. The instrumental intro of the song 'lovely by Billie Eilish' We needed a soundtrack that fit well for a scene where she was grieving and where she was exhausted with life since the same audio will carry forward to the next flashback. This song was both heartbreaking and was able to pull off the feeling of emptiness. This sound was matched with the next audio for the build up. One of the flashbacks , the depression one, needed a clock as water mark to show passing by of time. This we would edit and put the next day.
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For the next scene something slightly dramatic was needed for this as it is finally the haunting presence can finally be seen. It is a significant scene and thus the previous song 'lovely' and this audio had a very eerie build up which matched the visuals. I also wanted the build up to end with abruptly because Samaira has a very soft but important dialogue, when she speaks to the shadow. Since the sounds here slightly over lapped each other a little bit of sound mixing. This scene was a confirmation of her accepting fate and needed to be emphasised and so we decided not to have any audio when she starts talking. Thus this audio made sense.
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Apart from soundtracks we needed small audios for a lot of things like pouring water, footsteps etc. For this we could use either foleys or downloaded music, I started making a list of all the different areas of the scene we would require a foley for, to get ready to put them the next day
After this we went on to put in the title and credit slides. After searching it seemed like a good idea to add the title on the black screen after she shuts her drapes, this could then cut to her pulling the kettle which also started with a black screen and made sense. From the director's POV when Samaira shut the drapes was a kind of symbolism to her start to shutting down the outside world and reality. It seemed fitting to remind the audience of the title at this point. We already knew what our film name was going to be- the important part at this point was the formatting. We stuck wit a black screen since it easily got connected to the next scene's black screen. Another reason as the director was that since we decided to write Saaya in white over a complete black screen it gave off the effect of something being tainted- in this case Samaira's soul. Its like Samaira's logic and any thing good represented by the white font had gotten over powered and submerged in the wholly black background.
The font style we used was bold and slightly chalky. This gave a ragged feel and looked good. I also wanted a small phase under the title. I created a few options and sent them to discuss it with the group.
We finally decided on- A dark destiny. As the director my thought process was since Samaira was fighting an internal war with her demons. A war she thought was inevitable. It was like her 'destiny'.
We put the credits in the end and got a little creative with it. The last scene was when Samaira stabs herself and Jay immediately screams her name. We carry forwarded the audio of him screaming on the credits.
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MAOR202 Essay on Tikaka/Tikanga Māori practice within a chosen workplace.
MAOR202 Māori and Tikanga Kia whakatōmuri te haere whakamua: I walk backwards into the future, my eyes fixed firmly on my past (Rameka, 2016)
Walking Forwards, Eyes Down: Tikaka Māori in practice within Early Childhood.
Early Childhood Education (ECE) within Aotearoa New Zealand (NZ) is, on paper, rooted in te ao Māori (the Māori world.), their curriculum (Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education., 2017) a bi-cultural document co-created with Kōhanga Reo (Te reo Māori language nest based education system) and governed by the Education Council’s Our Code Our Standards (OCOS) (2017) with lauded Three Treaty Principals enshrined with obligations to uphold them. Prospective kaiako (teachers) are trained in basic tikaka procedures and guidelines (University of Otago, 2022). centres work with whānau, communities and sometimes even Marae or local Iwi consultants to craft tikaka policies reflective of the sector’s location based and Te Tiriti approaches. If tikaka flourishes in any Pākehā system within NZ, it should be within ECE.
Through the example case of REDACTED this essay looks at the current state of tikaka Māori implementation through their policy documents and reflections on my personal experiences through practicum. As well as how implement should be implemented as guided by national standards and academic papers on the subject and identifying the benefits to Māori learners and all centre community members from current and desired implementations of tikaka Māori.
Tikaka Māori can be defined as practices, customs and ways of being and doing that derive from Māori pūrākau (narratives), tipuna (ancestors), traditions, cultural grounding or the Atua.
To counter the damage done to Māori learners and the perception of Māori knowledge and practices by decades of assimilationist colonial policies in education and society (Walker, 2016), Te Whāriki (Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education., 2017) was co-designed as a bi-cultural curriculum with Kōhanga Reo and Māori academics and kaiako (Gunn & Nuttall, 2019). As such Te Whāriki (2017) enshrines te ao Māori concepts, theories, and practices as foundational underpinnings to ECE within NZ, stating that all children in NZ must have access and exposure to te reo Māori and tikaka Māori (D’Cunha, 2017) as well as emphasising the Māoritaka holistic ontology that values the mana of children as well as their holistic wellbeing, including spiritual wellbeing. These are understood via the strands of Te Whariki (2017) and increasingly through a simplified and depoliticised model of Mason Durie’s Te Whare Tapa Whā (Higgins & Goodall, 2021). Focus is placed on the importance of affirming Māori as Māori in curriculum documents and OCOS (Education Council | Matatū Aotearoa, 2017) as a means of overcoming the shame created around Māoridom by the assimilationist policies (Milne, 2017) and perceptions of Māori actions and beliefs as lower status (Metge, 1986) that perpetuate self-assimilation (Cormack & Orwin, 1997). Incorporation of tikaka Māori is valued in this context for its utility in affirming Māori learners in their Māori identities, conforming to curriculum and OCOS (2017) standards and uphold Te Tiriti obligations (D’Cunha, 2017) rather than valued as important in itself or as correct or natural practices, a tool to correct the symptoms of colonialism more than a right way of being or doing.
Tikaka practice in activities and routines within ECE is exceptional. While not explicitly present in policy documents, tikaka groundings are present throughout, -REDACTED- which contains many te ao Māori concepts and includes Tikanga Māori: living by Māori values (Mead, 2003) among it’s sources, promoting a deeper understanding of tikaka Māori and it’s purposes.
-REDACTED -once had a tikaka policy but has moved away from this approach to instead have all policies written to cover tikaka rules. For example, having food storage cover the appropriate tikaka as a separate tikaka policy to see they are followed, seeing an integrated policy that doesn’t make staff away of the tikaka in the policy more effective at communicating expectations (Hurst, 2022). This seems consistent with current trends based on experience in another centre with has taken the same tact.
From my placements within two -REDACTED- centres, tikaka Māori actions and procedures are present within the life of the centre. Tables, floors, kitchens, faces, hands and art messes are wiped with separate cloths, karakia sung before kai times and food is prepared on spaces restricted to that purpose. Newly introduced to the centre was the practice of respecting hats and headwear as role modelling to the children and respect of the heads of children respected through no longer putting hats on them directly but giving them hats to put on themselves, with some degree of success. The garden areas were in the process of being realigned to make tikaka practices easier within them however limitations both environmental and social restricted the kaiako leading these changes in implementation. For instance, leaves fallen off the trees or used over natural resources from activities and food waste are thrown out because of REDACTED’s largely artificial environment and lack of space to return leaves to their trees. In the interest of secularism and neutrality any tikaka that would ‘require explaining to the children’ is barred on the principal that is crosses the line into religion/spiritualism and the centre must remain neutral. However, through activities based in cultural narrative stories and resources kaiako have found ways of integrating practices around tapu/noa balance into the centre. For example building on a picture book about a takihaka (funeral) to justify incorporating karakia in the burial of the wētā or incorporating respective karakia practices towards to harvesting of harakeke through the telling of a Māui pūrākau. These incorporations connect tikaka Māori through to their cultural reasons and origins and can be categorised as excellent practice within ECE though are the exceptions, a consequence of a driven kaiako and had to be justified to the more established ‘old-school’ kaiako.
This level of tikaka appears the norm throughout ECE in NZ, D’Cunha (2017) outlines raising awareness of tikaka Māori through a poi activity in their article, again a passionate kaiako incorporating tikaka through a te ao Māori based activity. The vast majority of tikaka exists outside of specific activities created specifically to teach it, as should be the case, however in these instances unlike the specific activities, they come not from understanding of tikaka Māori but legislation or policy. The Policies REDACTED provide for tikaka practices with explained with utility to resolving conflicts or health and safety, rooting in regulations and standards not in pūrākau or understanding of tikaka Māori.
The most often given example of tikaka practiced in centres throughout initial teaching education (ITE) and discussions with kaiako is the separation of cloths used for different surfaces and purposes washed separately. However, in the literature this stems from the licencing criteria where it is explained with the reasoning of “different types of laundry washed separately to prevent cross infection” (Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education, 2022), so while this practice aligns with tikaka Māori and can be pointed to as fulfilling a well-known tikaka requirement in the policies and documents it neither stems from tikaka nor even acknowledges it. Where tikaka is acknowledge, or example in Te Whāriki (Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education., 2017), it is framed as important in building the sense of belonging for Māori learners and their whānau. We do this because they do it this way, no investigation or incentive for kaiako to investigate why or understand the history or underpinning beliefs, rooted in western sociocultural views of recognising home cultures (Rogoff, 2003). The purpose of tikaka in curriculum and policies are to create welcoming spaces for Māori whānau to uphold the belonging and relationship sides of their wellbeing, not to create in centres spaces where tikaka Māori lives for all learners but spaces where Māori learners with home cultures that follow tikaka Māori are affirmed in bringing their tikaka funds of knowledge.
There are benefits to these utilitarian implementations to Māori learners, but also challenges. Through treating Māori beliefs and practices as true for Māori learners, they are affirmed their home cultures upheld, Nimmo, Abo-Zena and LeeKeenan (2019) write how denying or correcting the beliefs and views of the world of home cultures that disagree with western perspectives can leave, especially Indigenous, children feeling shame and like from home is welcome or valued within ECE centres or the world outside their door. This aligns with Te Whāriki strands looking at belonging and ability to build relationships and contribute from a position of affirmed mana (Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education., 2017) against the background of a society built on the denouncement of Māori culture (Walker, 2016) and forced assimilation (Milne, 2017). Including tikaka Māori in set activities, recognising local pūrākau and incorporating lessons from them into specific activities and events within the centre can succeed in providing the benefit of confirming the home culture and belonging of Māori learners. However, the benefit of this for non-Māori or Māori who do not have access to te ao Māori in their home lives, is lessened as tikaka recognised as tikaka is contained within it’s assigned places within activities and the routine, contained with ‘Māori stuff’ separate from normal or real ‘stuff’ leaving those learners unable to learn tikaka Māori as normal to provide a foundation for future resistance against the othering of Māoridom by Pākehā society and later education. They are also denied the benefits of tikaka as tikaka. Without the reasons, pūrākau and history to tikaka being taught and lived as it is practiced, a karakia can never connect those singing to the Atua, tipuna and Māori past and future (Rameka, 2016) but remains as the song sung as a routine activity required before you can eat or go home as tikaka is contained.
This contained or incorporated and unsaid approach to ensure higher fulfilment of policy expectations by staff (Hurst, 2022), if effective outlines a larger problem. If tikaka hidden within secular, clinical, western framing of health and safety is followed but tikaka when stated separately as tikaka Māori is not, even in the good examples of inclusive three P’s centres this shows the entrenchment of viewing tikaka as below a ‘real’ required practice even when regulated with the same policies from the same bodies by kaiako.
Mason Durie wrote that was is good for Māori is good for the institution as a whole (Durie, 2011), Mead (n.d.) in an undated interview available through He Kākano programme’s website distils this down to related specifically to students. All students must be comfortable with tikaka Māori, with the customs and social ways of being and doing within te ao Māori so all can achieve and contribute to Māori society. If only Māori students from tikaka Māori breathing homes are strengthened in the practice of tikaka, if tikaka is seen as providing a function only of affirming learners from those homes, then all of society will miss out on the benefits of the guidance of centuries, millennia of Māori tradition and ancestors and culture and worse, tikaka Māori will remain othered, for those who already have it, affirmed, not made to feel shamed in it as under previous education models, but still left as different, second and lesser to mainstream society that does not understand or practice tikaka, but graciously acknowledge it’s important for the othered Māori.
Kaiako see the importance of tikaka Māori practices through the lens Pākehā systems, through the 1989 Education Act (Chan & Ritchie, 2020) and OCOS commitments to te Tiriti’s three P’s (D’Cunha, 2017), Māori families and affirming Māori learners as Māori (Education Council | Matatū Aotearoa, 2017). Tikaka is functional. Practiced in a Pākehā liberal system not as a correct way of doing things, but a diverse and inclusive act to uphold minimum standards of inclusive diversity. Within this framework ECE see’s tikaka not as a connection to the Atua, the very notion is at odds with the secularism of western liberalism. Tikaka does not live as a manifestation of the values and worlds of pūrākau or as an outwards expression of an understanding of te ao Māori. Tikaka is functional, a check list of actions to be carried out in accordance with centre policy with the aim of meeting three P treaty obligations and committee to Māori as takata whenua as required under OCOS (2017).
Kaiako and centres walk forward to a future of greater commitment to Māori learners and more inclusive practices, eyes fixed on lists checked and boxes ticked and while the sector strives ever forward to ever increasing inclusivity of tikaka functions, behaviours, and practices it does not turn around.
There is a whakatauki that started this essay. It is used throughout ECE and ITE to mean, learning the history and context of colonialism on education, learn the importance of affirming Māori learners as Māori through understanding the assimilation and discriminatory practices of ‘the past’. Rameka (2016), uses it in her explanation of the intertwined Māori view of time as a continuous process, tikaka in this view are practices and customs laid down by the ancestors for future generations. The importance of karakia sung before kai time, is not to normalise te reo or fulfil a commitment to takata whenua, but to balance the tapu and noa and make safe a space for the consumption of food through a ritual that connects past, present and future, connects to the ancestors and the Atua. Kai, art and washroom cloths aren’t only separated out of respect for diverse learners but as a consequence of centuries of Māori experience and understandings of the world that are entirely ignored by a system that see’s tikaka functionally as flowing from lists, not underpinnings. This neglects the teaching of the reasons why or stories behind tikaka or even outright excludes them as crossing the line from inclusive to spiritual. Just as the three P’s are a reductionist distillation of Tiriti obligations to accommodate Pākehā (New Zealand. Waitangi Tribunal, 2019), fitting tikaka Māori into the frameworks of OCOS and utilitarian benefits to diverse inclusive practices and supporting the identities of Māori learners removed from their context converts them into functions within the Pākehā world not connections to te ao Māori past and future. Even tikaka policies that are explicitly tikaka and unashamedly Māori such as Ako’s Resource Kit for Graduate Teachers (Williams & Broadley, 2012) while providing greater connections to Māoridom and a holistic view of tikaka than modern examples, being a practical handbook does not contain links to pūrākau or provide the reasons why something is tika or not, just lists them. What hope then is that a health and safety policy that expects Pākehā kaiako to fulfil the tikaka expectations of a policy will give those connections or even admit what is tikaka and what is licencing criteria?
Speaking to the manawhenua representative to the REDACTED about what tikaka practices are needed in ECE, I was told it’s not the practices but the stories behind them that are needed. It is around this that all this revolves, looking to the past to see the links to the Atua and tipuna through pūrākau is what makes tikaka separate from, as I was given as a definition of tikaka by a Pākehā lecture, a Māori word centre policy. Through this lens what is important in these centres and all ECE is this utilitarian implementation without connection to the past.
If tikaka Māori comes from walking backwards into the future through understanding and connecting to the past, ‘tikaka ECE’ walks boldly forward eyes unflinchingly focused on checklists of functional practices pulled from ERO and community expectations rationalised through legal requirements and the well-meaning narrow gaze of including the diverse other.
For as far as ECE has come and how rich it’s grounding in te ao Māori underpinnings and perspectives, even among centres that work in partnership with rūnaka and have a mana whenua representative and many kaiako who fight passionately for te ao Māori. Tikaka is trapped in a functional role separated from the past, from it’s reasons and motivations and from the Atua from who it should stem by the structural entrenchment of Pākehā systems, regulations and views of equality. Tikaka Māori that connects to the past, to the ancestors and to the living cultures of Māori lives in exceptional individuals while purely functional tikaka removed from time, without culture or spirituality is thriving in ECE but without eyes fixed on the past, tikaka cannot live with ECE and the benefits for learners, kaiako and communities limited.
Bibliography
Chan, A. & Ritchie, J., 2020. Exploring a Tiriti-based superdiversity paradigm within early childhood care and education in Aotearoa New Zealand. Contemporary Issues in Early Childhood, 00(0), pp. 1-15 (15 pages).
Cormack, S. & Orwin, J., 1997. Four generations from Maoridom : the memoirs of a South Island kaumatua and fisherman. Dunedin: Otago University Press.
D’Cunha, O., 2017. Living The Treaty of Waitangi through a bicultural pedagogy in Early Childhood. Practitioner Research, 5(2), pp. 9-14 (5 pages).
Durie, M., 2011. Ngā Tini Whetū: Navigating Māori Futures. Wellington: Huia.
Education Council | Matatū Aotearoa, 2017. Our Code Our Standards: Code of Professional Responsibility and Standards for the Teaching Profession. Ngā Tikanga Matatika Ngā Paerewa: Ngā Tikanga Matatika mā te Haepapa Ngaiotanga me ngā Paerewa mō te Umanga Whakaakoranga.. Wellington: Education Council | Matatū Aotearoa.
Gunn, A. C. & Nuttall, J., 2019. Weaving Te Whāriki; Aotearoa New Zealand's Early Childhood Cirriculum Document in Theory and Practice. s.l.:NZCER Press.
Higgins, J. & Goodall, S., 2021. Transforming the wellbeing focus in education: A document analysis of policy in Aotearoa New Zealand. International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-being, 16(1), p. N/A.
Mead, H. M., n.d. What's good for Māori students is good for all students / Sir Sidney and Lady June Mead / Videos / Toolkit / Homepage - He Kakano. [Online] Available at: https://hekakano.tki.org.nz/Toolkit2/Videos/Sir-Sidney-and-Lady-June-Mead/What-s-good-for-Maori-students-is-good-for-all-students [Accessed 6 May 2022].
Mead, M., 2003. Tikanga Māori: living by Māori values. Wellington: Huia.
Metge, J., 1986. In and Out of Touch: Whakamaa in Cross Cultural Context. Wellington: Victoria University Print.
Milne, A., 2017. Coloring in the White Spaces: Reclaiming Cultural Identity in Whitestream Schools: Chapter 6: Coloring in the School-Learning Space.. Counterpoints, Volume 513, pp. 95-127.
New Zealand. Waitangi Tribunal, 2019. Hauora : report on stage one of the Health Services and Outcomes Kaupapa Inquiry. WA I 2 5 7 5 ed. Lower Hutt: Legislation Direct.
Nimmo, J., Abo-Zena, M. M. & LeeKeenan, D., 2019. Finding a Place for the Religious and Spiritual Lives of Young Children and Their Families: An Anti-Bias Approach.. YC Young Children, November, 74(5), pp. 37-45.
REDACTED.
Rameka, L., 2016. Kia whakatōmuri te haere whakamua: ‘I walk backwards into the future with my eyes fixed on my past’. Contemporary Issues in Early Childhood, December, 17(387-398), p. 4.
Rau, C. & Ritchie, J., 2011. Ahakoa he iti: Early Childhood Pedagogies Affirming of Māori Children's Rights to Their Culture. Early Education and Development, October, 22(5), pp. 795-817.
Rogoff, B., 2003. The cultural nature of human development. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education., 2017. Te Whāriki: He whāriki mātauranga mō ngā mokopuna o Aotearoa early childhood curriculum. Wellington: Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education..
Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education, 2022. Licensing Criteria for Early Childhood Education & Care Services 2008: and Early Childhood Education Curriculum Framework. 1 January 2022 ed. Wellington: Te Tāhuhu o te Mātauranga-Ministry of Education.
University of Otago, 2022. Bachelor of Teaching (BTchg). [Online] Available at: https://www.otago.ac.nz/courses/qualifications/btchg.html [Accessed `5 May 2022].
Walker, R., 2016. Reclaiming Māori education. In: J. Hutchings & J. Lee-Morgan, eds. Decolonisation in Aotearoa: Education, research and practice. Wellington: NZCER Press, pp. 19-38.
#MAOR202 Māori and Tikanga#Essay#Māori & Indigenous Studies#Indigenous Studies#2nd year#University Essay#My first A+
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my masterpost | my studygram | ask me anything
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[transcript under the cut]
Other advice posts that may be of interest:
How To Study When You Really Don’t Want To
Active Revision Techniques
How To Do Uni Readings
How to Revise BIG Subjects
Non-Stop Studying
The Problem
You find a comfortable spot to study and refuse to move ever again. You don’t even think about taking a break—that would be a waste of time and your due date is super close so you can't afford to do that
The Solution
Whether you’re doing this because you think it’s efficient or because you left everything until the last minute, you’re not going to learn much. Our brains need rest time to process information. Planning ahead is the key here. Instead of focusing only on your deadlines, work backwards and figure out when you need to start working on a project. Take into account how long each part of the work will take you. You’ll feel less overwhelmed and more able to actually learn the material, as opposed to just cramming. If you’re really in a pinch (hey, it happens to everyone), try out the pomodoro method: 25 minutes on, 5 minutes off, with a longer break every 4 circuits. It holds off exhaustion and keeps you feeling refreshed over long periods of heavy work!
Over Highlighting
The Problem
You try to study by reading the textbook, but somehow end up highlighting everything and remembering nothing.
The Solution
Turns out, passively re-reading a textbook is pretty useless. Just because you’re holding a highlighter doesn’t mean you’re actually engaging with the material. Learn how to read actively by taking notes as you read, which will force you to decide what parts of the reading are worth remembering. Come up with practice questions or make flashcards. The more of the 5 senses you use in your studying, the more likely you are to remember the information. If your exam includes an essay portion, think about what kinds of themes your professor might ask about and make some possible outlines. Even if your practice questions don’t actually show up on the exam, you’ll be in the right headspace!
Multitasking
The Problem
You are studying at the same time that you are watching the newest show on Netflix, texting a friend about what happened last Tuesday and cooking a three-course meal.
The Solution
People are actually really bad at multitasking. While we think we’re focusing on 2 things at once, we’re actually switching between 2 tasks very rapidly, meaning that our brains never have time to fully adjust to working on either one. Unfortunately, the only way around this one is to plan ahead (weird how that keeps cropping up). Make a study schedule ahead of time and figure out which days you’ll devote to which subjects. You’ll be able to process the material more efficiently than you would if your attention was split between tasks, and ultimately you’ll have more confidence in what you’ve learned.
Solo Studying
The Problem
You only ever study in solitude and refuse to ask anyone else for help.
The Solution
Studying on your own is fine (sometimes even preferable), but having people you can bounce ideas off of can be insanely helpful (even over Zoom!). Convince a friend or family member to let you “teach” them the material—the gaps in your understanding will become more obvious when you try to explain a topic to an uninformed party. If you have no one available, you could even teach to a pet or toy. Most importantly, take advantage of your professors or teachers and contact them if you’re confused about something. You won’t regret it.
Studying Chronologically
The Problem
You sit down to revise for an exam and you look through all of the notes from your class in chronological order.
The Solution
In addition to being a very passive study strategy, it also puts you at risk of running out of time to review the material you learnt most recently, which is often emphasised more heavily on the final exam and can also be some of the most difficult concepts to master – especially for classes like math and languages that increase in difficulty throughout the semester. You will also probably be reviewing information you already know. Instead of studying in chronological order, try studying in priority order, spending the majority of your time on the information that will be most important for you to know for the test.
Memorising, Rather Than Understanding
The Problem
You know that you need to know facts in an exam so you study by trying to memorise all of the facts from a class, rather than truly understanding the underlying concepts.
The Solution
Memorising can work well in some classes, especially in earlier stages of school, but it often backfires in more advanced classes. If you’ve memorised a definition but don’t really understand what it means, then as soon as the information is presented in a slightly different format, or you’re asked to apply it to a new type of problem, you will have no idea how to proceed. Rather than memorising the information from your classes, use study strategies that encourage you to understand it. Explaining ideas out loud in your own words, or teaching them to someone else, are great examples of study strategies that promote understanding.
Not Practicing How You’ll Be Tested
The Problem
You have a study method that you use for all of your exams no matter the subject or the format of the exam.
The Solution
It’s great to have a study method that supports your revision but often they can be limited to specific skills. For example, flashcards might be a great strategy for a test that is mostly multiple-choice and matching questions, but they might be less useful for essays. If you want to be prepared for your exams, you need to make sure that the way you are studying for your test is similar to how you will actually be tested on the material. The best way to do this is by doing practice questions. Numerous studies have shown that students who test themselves on the material they are learning remember the information better than students who do not take practice tests. Practice testing also helps you avoid “illusions of competence”: situations in which you think you know the information better than you do.
Not Using Active Revision Techniques
The Problem
You study by re-reading over your notes or perhaps rewriting them.
The Solution
Unfortunately, this approach to studying is not very effective, in large part because it is extremely passive. Students who use this approach will readily admit that they can read over a page of notes and not remember what they have just read! If you don’t remember it right after you’ve read it, how could you possibly hope to answer questions about it on the test? Choosing more active study strategies that require you to engage with the material will enable you to learn the material more effectively and efficiently. This includes: mindmaps, flashcards, past papers, study groups, and many more.
#common study mistakes#myhoneststudyblr#studyblr#heypat#heycoral#bulletnotestudies#heycazz#heyharri#jeonchemstudy#studyvan#stuhde#serendistudy#sonderstudy#problematicprocrastinator#stillstudies#medustudies#gloomstudy#boldlystudy#philologystudies#academiix#idiotacademia#my advice
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Hunting Roses - Chapter 2
AN: This is a yandere Zemo fic. That means that it will have dark content. I do not endorse these relationships and behaviour in real life. This chapter contains spoilers for past Marvel movies, arguing, General Ross being an ass to everyone especially Wanda, mild coarse language, X men movie spoilers, and implied minor character death.
The atmosphere in the room was incredibly tense when General Ross introduced himself and stated the purpose for his presence, you couldn’t be the only one who noticed that Wanda seemed to be trying to make herself as small as possible.
Ross’ speech began as if he was complimenting the efforts of the Avengers over the past couple of years but something about his tone warned you that that would change very soon. Unfortunately, you were right. Ross spoke about the damage that the Avengers had caused in the past and how one hundred and seventeen governments across the world had agreed on the importance of the Avengers being regulated by the UN. If an Avenger failed to comply with the Sokovian Accords, they would face legal repercussions.
Ross seemed to delight in emphasising the title of the Accords once he’d noticed Wanda’s reaction the first time. Your control over your temper was already thin because the Accords sounded a whole lot like the Mutant Registration Act that had almost become law a few years ago.
When Rogue and Wolverine had been kidnapped from the train station by Magneto, Sabretooth, Mystique, and Toad, you had been in the car with the Professor and Jean. Magneto’s warning about the dangers of the Mutant Registration Act stayed with you to this day. You blinked and refocused on the meeting as Ross finally finished speaking.
“In my experience, I have found that the best way to encourage people to see your point of view is not by insulting them nor is it by pressing on a tender wound, General.” Rhodey’s tone was courteous and his words were polite but everyone present in the room could hear the warning hidden in his words.
Knowing the type of person Rhodey was and how much the armed forces meant to him, you felt your respect for the man grow.
“You are treading on very thin ice, Lieutenant Colonel,” Ross warned, “any further words from you or any other Avenger may be treated as insubordination.”
“And when exactly did the armed forces gain the right to enforce what points of view we can and cannot argue in the United States of America?” Your tone wasn’t as nearly as pleasant as Rhodey’s was.
“In light of the contributions that you have made to the Avengers and SHIELD during your time with both organisations, you have been granted immunity.”
All the Avengers turned to face you and some of them had betrayed looks on their faces. You didn’t blame them in the slightest.
“Hang on Ross,” you stood up straight, “there are people around this table who have prevented far worse tragedies than you or I could possibly imagine. So why then am I being granted immunity?”
Ross placed the Accords on the table with a thud, “I’ll see myself out then, shall I?”
The question was clearly rhetorical and Ross left the room.
“Well that was a mess,” Sam spoke up, casting a weary glance at the large amount of bound papers that made up the Accords.
Wanda’s hands dropped to her lap and she focused on the table as discussion broke out about the necessity of the Accords. Seeing Wanda’s lip trembling, you refrained from shouting at the other Avengers about how they were focusing on the wrong thing at the moment. Instead you walked over to where she was seated and you pulled her into a hug.
Wanda clutched at you tightly as you held her as if you were the only thing anchoring her to the Earth in this moment.
“It’s all my fault,” Wanda’s voice was so faint that you needed to strain to hear it but once her words registered, you shook your head.
“No, it’s not Wanda,” you spoke reassuringly as her tears dampened your shirt, “truthfully, I’m surprised that something like this didn’t happen immediately after New York.”
“There were many politicians arguing for it then,” Tony responded, leaning back in his chair with a sigh, “Pepper fielded quite a few journalists who supported the initial idea and SHIELD fielded the rest. There were of course other politicians against it and it appeared to be dropped and forgotten. Whether that’s because the politicians were associated with SHIELD, HYDRA or they opposed it morally, I don’t care. I care that it’s affecting us now. The pool of politicians supporting us has decreased by a lot and even though they are thankful that we’ve saved family members and communities in the past, the ones that still support us are starting to agree with the necessity of the Accords.”
“What are your thoughts on this (Name)?” Clint asked as you released Wanda but stayed standing by her side.
You grimaced and shook your head, “The only way I could see something like this maybe working and it’s a big maybe is if we had liaison officers who worked with us and the UN but…” you trailed off and sighed, “even that idea isn’t fool proof. Our liaisons could be biased or influenced against the people we’re trying to save and because they’re our liaisons, we can’t go to help those people.”
“Are you seriously suggesting that people in the UN are corrupt?” Rhodey scoffed, “You’re talking about the most powerful body on Earth.”
“SHIELD was once one of the most powerful intelligence agencies in the world and HYDRA managed to infiltrate them,” Sam reminded him.
“Plus, I can’t speak for everyone here but I think it’d be extremely arrogant to think that we’ve managed to catch all the HYDRA members, allies, and sympathisers in such a short time. HYDRA was huge in the 40s and they’ve had half a century to learn from their mistakes and hide in plain sight.” Steve added. You shot both him and Sam a grateful smile.
“That’s the thing,” Tony rebutted, “this is about us learning from our mistakes. We need to be put in check and who better to do that than the UN?”
“Exactly,” Rhodey agreed.
Sam rested his elbow on the table and gestured to you, “(Name)’s got a point. People’s interpretations of the Accords could place us in danger and let’s not forget about the Mutant Registration Act that was almost passed a few years ago. We have quite a few members on the team with powers,” you barely supressed your trembling as you realised where Sam was going with this “and it wouldn’t be much of a stretch for certain people to claim that they’re a danger to society. It’s possible that the UN would act and demonstrate that they aren’t threats but there’d be people who would remain unconvinced and they could refuse assistance from those Avengers and then claim they didn’t do their job properly. There’d be a public outcry to reinstate the Act and overwhelming support for it.”
Vision cleared his throat and looked up from the Accords. You had been so occupied that you hadn’t noticed he was actually reading them, “Our very strength incites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict... breeds catastrophe.”
“Boom,” Rhodey agreed with a surly tone.
“Once I realised what my weapons were able do and actually doing, I shut down that side of the business and I minimised the catastrophe.”
“You chose to do that Tony,” Steve argued warily, “(Name) and Sam are right. If we sign this, we risk not being able to help the people who really need it and we also risk being puppets. We may not be perfect but the safest hands are our own.”
“You gotta make this hard, don’t you Rogers?” Tony blew out an exasperated breath, “If we don’t do this, it’ll be done to us later. That’s a fact. It won’t be pretty.”
Wanda heard Tony’s unspoken message, “You’re saying that they’ll still see me as responsible and they’ll come for me.”
“We’d protect you,” Vision swore. You felt a stab of jealousy at his promise. Why hadn’t he promised you that when he discovered the parallels between the Act and the Accords?
“Maybe Tony's right. If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off...” Nat mused.
You opened your mouth to reply but Sam beat you to it, “Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?”
You snorted at the memory and Sam’s language as Steve’s phone vibrated on the table. You knew that it was bad news the second he looked at it. “I’ve got to go.” He announced as he stood up and walked out of the room.
“I need to get some air,” you declared and left the room. You were so distracted that you didn’t realise that you were outside the compound until you felt the wind whistling through your hair. You hadn’t actually intended to go outside.
Your mind was whirring as you inhaled the fresh air. No matter how you looked at it, you were in a dangerous situation and while Wanda may have Vision’s protection if things went south, you didn’t. And while you knew that you could count on the Avengers for support, you knew that the bonds holding the team together had been fractured by Ross presenting the Accords and the following argument, which was probably still ongoing. The way the situation seemed to be unfolding now, it was becoming increasingly clear that the Accords would be pitting your friends and teammates against each other and you had no desire to go down this path again.
Calling on your powers, you reappeared in your room in the compound and packed what you absolutely needed. Taking one last glance around the room and feeling a deep sadness well up inside of you, you swung the backpack with your things over one shoulder and hoisted it so the strap rested comfortably on your shoulder.
You focused on your memory of the partially hidden back pathway of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and your powers responded to the image in your mind. Had you left five seconds later, you would have seen an unfamiliar car travelling up the driveway that led to the compound, and perhaps if you had seen that car through the window, you would have met Helmut Zemo under very different circumstances.
#my writing#civil war au#spoilers for marvel movies#yandere helmut zemo#female reader#avengers team#avengers fanfic#avengers au#reader is an avenger#reader has powers#x men references#enemies to friends#friends to lovers#dark helmut zemo#dark zemo
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Pairing: Jisung x fem!reader
Genre: fluff, angst,slow burn, strangers to lovers au, first love, early 1900s au.
Synopsis: Lavenders symbolise purity, silence, devotion, serenity and grace. All endearing characteristics of the gorgeous boy, you met in the fields of purple.
Placed in the late 1930s , just before World War two starts, you flee from your family who are forcing you into a marriage. You lie low in a small village where you meet Jisung in a field of lavenders.
Word count: 23k lmao
Warnings: female reader, misogyny and very backwards ways of thinking, forced marriages, world war two + historical inaccuracy for progression of the plot, drinking
a/n: this is the longest fic i have ever written and honestly it was a mission, it took about a month to write and I am genuinely so proud of it and really happy with it. Please don't be scared by the length but when I say slow burn, I really mean it!
Your legs seem to be moving on their own, feet hitting the ground at a steady and fast pace, you don’t look back and can’t seem to see what lies ahead but still you run until your lungs burn, run until the bitter metallic taste is at the back of your throat where bile threatens to rise. You run until finally your legs collapse, knees hitting the ground, grazing them and it’s the slight sting of the sediment seeping into the cuts that stop you from passing out. You’re not sure how far you’ve ran or how long you’ve been running, you don’t know where you're running to but you have to escape.
Escape the life they’ve laid out for you, the one they’ve planned without your input, you can’t live a life where everything is set out, where ’everything is expected and perfect. A life where you’d get married at 18 to a stranger who was of a worthy social class, attend formal lunches with the wives of your husband’s work colleagues and host dinner parties and occasionally large balls in a manor that always felt empty no matter how many paintings you bought to hang on the never ending amount of walls, no matter how many more bookshelves you tried to fit into one room, a place that you’ll always hate. Then to have children by 20, as many boys as possible of course to then not have any say in their upbringing and watch nurses tend to them, your husband educate them and then watch them get married, meet your grandchildren and when you’ve reached a respectable age, death will meet you in your sleep and you’ll be mourned and then forgotten. A life filled with regret, a constant numbness, no fulfilment and no meaning.
You saw your mum live that life, a smile that never quite reached her eyes, always plastered on at any given moment as she walked around the large hall with a glass of nothing but champagne in hand greeting the hundreds of guests that you were never able to comprehend how she managed to remember them all. She never spoke unless spoken to, never put in any input and always obeyed your father even when you could see the frustration bubble up inside her as her eyes glinted and her jaws tightened with the urge to say something.
She would buy gifts upon gifts and shower you in expensive luxuries, spoil you in riches as a form of love and yet it always held another meaning behind it. There was a slight sadness in her eyes as she passed a gift every birthday,christmas and any other reason she found, almost as if she was saying sorry for the life you were going to live and how she’d use these moments as blackmail for when that time came. You’d overhear her quiet sobs when you would sneak around the house late at night, read letters she received from someone you didn’t know and how they wished for her life to get better and for her to find happiness in a world where happiness didn’t exist. You saw your mother cry when your father died, eyes bloodshot red in fear rather than grief. Her life was now uncertain and that's when you decided that you couldn't live an empty life, regretting choices and wishing for death to come to you first.
Your father had always made sure that you would receive a proper education, one where you'd read hours upon hours of the finest English literature, works of science and learned of the past and present politics. He always said "a lady should know about the world around her but should never venture off on her own" you hated that phrase but it was better than what you overheard your friend's father saying to her when she asked for him to explain the concept of communism, "a women does not need to busy herself with politics, for your brain could not even begin to comprehend it" he announced with his nose high up in the air as if he had just said the most inquisitive statement known to man. It baffled you how one could even think that, let alone truly believe it enough to announce it so stupidly in the open, it was obvious that women were capable of understanding concepts like politics, maths and science for you were living proof.
You did better than your brother at grasping algebra, better at them with understanding Versalius's "De humani corporis fabrica" and it didn't take your friend long to understand Karl Marx's theory on communism once you explained it to her. It angered you that this was dismissed especially when your brother soon went off to universities for they had outgrown your father's enormous library and knowledge, there was no more he could teach them but there was still much to learn and you yearned to do the same but as you approached a suitable age for marriage, your everyday classes on Shakespearean English, Tudor monarchy, Greek mythology and Italian art had now been replaced with sewing, crochet, dining etiquette and the differences between napkins, white laced ones for formal lunches, gold embroidery for important dinners and regular silk for everyday use, you'd recite to your mother and the many maids who were on standby.
You've left that world now, left the bustling streets of industrialised London where a black smog always hung around the air and the smell of burnt rubber that stung your nose, you always hated both. Though you grew up in a large estate where there seemed to be a never ending amount of land on the outskirts of London, you never were allowed out to explore. Only allowed out with your mother to pick out fabrics in the markets, surrounded by military men that guarded the general's wife and daughter but now you were alone, no guards, no mother and no black smog to block your view of what lies ahead, only the sun and the ocean sky, clear of clouds as you breathe in fresh air that cleanses your lungs from the toxins that hang in the city air, surrounded by vibrant lavenders that arrive with a strong, sweet smell of pollen which you welcome to replace the bitter rubber your sense of smell only seems to know.
You close your eyes and bask in the warmth of late August , the sun gleaming down on you, rays striking against your skin with the wind between the strands of your hair, blowing the lavenders and they slightly tickle your arms. You’re not sure how long you were in your euphoric trance but you weren't ready to leave yet when the dark shadow was casted over you.
Your eyes lazily open and beauty lies ahead, the sun gleaming behind him, lights him on flames and he burns with a presence so strong you can see it as his aura swirls around you, engulfing you. His features,strong and yet his eyes are soft and even as he's turned away from the sun they sparkle infinitely as they hold the brightest stars, his stare pierces through you and it makes your gut clench as you feel small under his gaze but you don't turn away, daring him to continue staring down on you, well that's what you tell yourself as you can't help but get lost in the beauty of his eyes. His face wears a worried expression, his hand out forwards for you to take and place in his and it takes you a while to realise he's trying to help you up, even longer to comprehend the words that leave his mouth, as you just watch his cherry red lips move. You're dazed and for the first time you're not thinking straight, your legs won't move to carry you back up onto your feet but your hand instinctively moves towards him and your own mouth gapes open as it does, and again he repeats himself emphasising the words as his eyes widen further “are you feeling well?” you stare blankly at him, no response until you feel the burning sensation of his hand in yours. A heat that sends shocks through every nerve, it runs through your bloodstream lighting you on fire and as if you were burnt you pull back, shaking off the dizzy spell you rise to your feet, your body finally responding to your screaming brain. A sense of relief washes over you as the fear of losing your mind slowly seeps out as the haze in your mind clears, until your eyes meet his again. “Really y/n, not for a boy” you cry out in your head as your mind seems to be lost in awe looking at him.
You shuffle uncomfortably and it’s just now you realise how much of a mess you look as the embodiment of beauty’s eyes fall down. Your expensive dress torn up, what was once a full sangria and silver ball gown was now rags that wrapped around you with the bottom half missing as it stopped just above your knees, an uneven hem due to the rough ripping which took all of your strength, the white net underneath was visibly stained a brownish yellow, the cuts on your knee not being the only thing the dirt seeped into but his eyes don’t even seem to stop there, they didn't even seem to notice, only meeting a piece of paper that lied on the floor. He reaches down for it, his eyebrows perk up slightly before handing it back to you.“You dropped this” he avoids eye contact, continuing to stare down, his hand abruptly extends out in front of him and he clears his throat, adding to the excruciating awkwardness between you and you wince at the sudden sound.
“Oh thank you..” you can hear your voice waver and crack and for the first time in your life, your voice isn’t confident, seems like a day full of firsts, your mother would’ve been proud if she saw you acting like this, like a lady she would have put it. Quiet, reserved but really it was just a suffocating stiffness that lingered in the air.
“Jisung” he completes your sentence, a small, shy smile appears on his face as his eyes look at everything but you, the letter still in his grasp he shakes his hand at you slightly urging you to take it. Your fingers brush past his ever so slightly as you take the letter back into your possession, a spark is sent through you and your fingers twitch, as if wanting more but you stop them from moving any further, your eyes slightly widen as you catch yourself falling so easily and if Jisung catches the weird expressions on your face, he chooses to ignore them not saying anything. “You are not from around here, are you?” His voice is light and airy as he speaks softly, as if you were made of glass and any harsh tone could break you, you can’t tell if it’s because of the immense awkwardness or because of the pity he must feel seeing you in such a state. You hope it’s the former and decide that’s what it is, when he starts playing with the edges of his white shirt.
“No I live in London” the words die as soon as they leave your mouth, you used to live in London, you don’t anymore. This only adds to Jisung’s awkwardness and it reminds you no matter how beautiful he is, he’s only just a boy who’s probably around your age. So you smile at him, letting out a small breathy laugh in hopes of lightening the mood, it works as he visibly unstiffens. “Used to” Jisung doesn’t press on the matter any further, doesn’t ask anymore questions, just nods. The unsettling atmosphere sets in once again and your incapability of standing in silence for more than a second, you clear your throat "do you know where this address is?" your tone light and airy, you sound almost clueless and it’s now you realise the true meaning behind every etiquette class, the role of the women is the domestic war, the war on power. For one to rise they must make powerful allies and that’s what this voice is for, to obtain the power of a man and trick them into helping you; so you're glad when Jisung takes the letter back into his grasp and examines the writing at the front, it’s worked.
“I’ll show you the way” and you nod with a slight smile as a thank you, Jisung leads the way and you follow soon behind, with his face no longer in my sight you can finally observe the rest of him. Judging by his height and build, seems like he comes from a well off family. Though there wasn’t a day you felt hungry, you weren’t blind to the outside world no matter how hard your parents tried to shelter you from it. The world is living off rations but the wealthy still have access to more, Jisung must have some sought of status or most likely works for a household with high status considering it seemed like he was running errands, why else would he be in a field full of lavenders and it’s only reinforced by the fine silk that flows as wind rushes past you. Somewhat similar to the material that makes up your gown, or what’s left of it, it’s an expensive material imported from colonies in the empire. He walks with no flaw and so you guess he didn’t serve in the war, meaning he has to be around your age; this new life is exciting and scary, you’re not sure what you want yet but you certainly wouldn’t mind if the boy in the lavender field stuck around for a while.
Jisung’s steps slowed and soon came to a stop outside a large estate, it was nowhere near as big as your parent's manor but comparing it to the small petite houses in the village you could just about see; it definitely was the biggest house in the village. You turned to thank Jisung, mouth slightly opened as the words were prepared to leave until you saw him pull out a key and a heat rose up your neck onto your face, in both slight embarrassment and excitement as you realised that Jisung must live here and your mouth couldn’t help but confirm your thoughts, “do you live here?” you blurted quickly with a slight lift in your tone, which you hope wasn’t too obvious in exposing your excitement.
His eyebrows rise, a small smile appears but he doesn’t answer your question, continuing to unlock the doors and allows you to step in first, a women who barely makes it past Jisung’s shoulders calls out to him, embracing him as she tightly wraps her arms around his waist, Jisung leans back slightly as a way of hoping to loosen her grip as his face scrunches up in pain as the struggle to breath sets in but there’s a constant smile on his face right until he peels her off. It’s then she punches him in the stomach, making him crouch down below her, holding onto his stomach.
“How many breaths must I waste in having to tell you to make sure you fulfill all your duties before you head to the fields'' she nags him and a smile is brought to your face at the violent display of affection, you guess he must be a part of the service team that works for the master of this house, which was exceptionally beautiful in the inside; much bigger than what it lets off from the outside, your eyes can’t help but linger elsewhere and observe the hidden beauty in all the small intricate designs. “Young master” the lady continues to punish him for his action and you head whips around at her words, she hasn’t even noticed you but Jisung’s eyes are constantly on you watching your expressions change as more as more information is being released to you, a smile appears on his face and at first it seems like a smirk but soon you notice the constant pink dust across his cheeks and you realise he’s embarrassed. There’s a strange feeling in your chest, a warmth that spreads and has you clutching your fists as you think at how adorable he is, your eyebrows furrow and you shake both the thoughts and the smile off.
Finally after what seems like hours of you staring at Jisung but in reality was no longer than a few seconds, the petite woman turns to you and acknowledges your presence, her eyes widen in surprise and she rushes to your side. “Oh lord, my dear child are you okay?” she grabs your hands and ushers you down the hall into a secluded room that takes up a big portion of the ground floor of the house.
The kitchen, filled with plenty of workers,busy hands and food; she shouts at a maid to move a few things around and to make some space for you around the small table that holds vegetables and freshly cut meat. There’s the smell of spices that are definitely too exotic to be from these lands, parcels with German writing and several people cooking dishes you don’t recognise.
You're pushed down onto a small wooden chair that slightly rocks and it is by far the most uncomfortable place you’ve ever sat but you don’t dare complain even after the minutes pass and your legs begin to ache. The maids ran around you and even as you left that world behind, you still somehow ended up in the same position and then you realise it’s the fine silk you wear that sets you apart, the rows and rows of pearls around your neck and rings on your fingers. They don’t ask any questions, just wiping away at the dirt on your legs; the same women at the door pouring a type of alcohol over your cuts and it stings drawing out a hiss from you, “sorry” she whispers and blows slightly on the irritated skin. The kitchen quiets down and the other maids exit, leaving you and the same women who scolded Jisung, she didn’t bother to ask him any questions and quickly sent him away to carry on with the work he didn’t finish, she doesn’t ask you any questions either for it’s not her place to ask.
She wraps bandages around your knees and your eyes wander around, landing on a picture of her with three little boys, you recognise the smallest to be Jisung, she catches your eyes and smiles “the masters, when they were little devils” she remarks making you and her both let out small laughs, “though they aren't much better now” she smiles fondly as she continues to wrap the bandages, you see love in her eyes and can tell that she raised them.
“The smallest is Jisung, am I correct?” you ask just to confirm your assumption, she nods and smiles, “i can tell by his awkwardness, it’s radiant even in pictures” you scoff and she laughs. "Who are the other two?" Your curiosity seemingly has no end.
"The tallest is master Jeno and the one in the middle is master Jaemin" she says as she cuts the bandage. You take note of their names and match it to their appearances though you assume they've probably changed quite a bit. The tallest, Jeno has crescent moons for eyes as his smile pushes them up, it's adorable. The middle, Jaemin also has a bright smile, probably the prettiest you’ve ever seen but Jisung still stands out the most to you, maybe it’s because you’ve seen how he looks now; the change is definitely visible, he’s grown much taller and into his sharp features. He's definitely handsome, epitome of beauty but by the way he timidly walks you’re not quite sure he knows it.
“Will these do, ma’am?” her hands hold onto a set of clean clothes and you only nod at her as you take the clothes from her hands, calloused and rough from years of labour. "Please just call me y/n" you tell her trying to remove your status and she only nods in return. "And what may I call you" you ask her.
"Daphne" she replies and you notice that she smiles at you, a full smile nothing quite like you've seen before and you'd like to think this what a smile should look like. Genuine. Instead of all the small smiles you recieved, the ones with hidden agendas and meanings, the ones because of who your father was, the one because of your status, name, title, money and a persuasion for your hand in marriage. So many smiles yet none truly considered one. God you hated that life.
"Now y/n let me show you to a room" she leads you out the room and you follow her upstairs, all the maids rushing back into the kitchen after you have left. She turns left and right and you find that the upstairs is far more complicated to navigate, with many different rooms. When she finally reaches a long corridor, she stops to point at the room that awaits at the end. "That will be your room ma'am" and before she even could finish her sentence properly, "y/n" you correct her and she only nods, giving you a soft smile as an apology."Please call for me if anything isn't to your liking" she says and just as she's about to step away, ready to leave you to get comfortable.
You call her back, "Daphne, can you please tell me who this is" you lift up the small blue letter that leads you here to this address, to finally put a name to the mysterious woman who only seemed to want the best for you and your mother. She takes the small letter from your grasp, examining the small font that's slowly fading due to the number of years it's collected dust. Her eyes widen as she reads the letter, her head snapping up to look at you, her lips parting slightly as if her jaw threatened to drop.
"My god" she says as she continues to read, shock written all over her face, "this is from the master's mother, dear" she tells you and you join her in shock as your jaw hangs a lot more obviously in shock. "She worked for your family when she was young" she continues to tell you and the ripples of shock continue to pulse through your body. Your mother and her are good friends from what you've gathered, reading all the letters you found. Yet your mother never even allowed you to mix classes, always telling you to stick with your own people, people who can pay for your time, literally. Yet here she was being friends with a woman considered below her, even considering sending you away to her. The hypocrisy is what shocked you the most, for you didn't think your mother could build relationships if it weren't for a social advantage.
"Can I meet her?" you ask, excited until you see sadness seep into her eyes, she looks down and she shuffles slightly. Her eyes glossy with tears threatening to fall and your own shoulders droop down and a frown is formed on your lips. "I'm sorry" you apologise but she shakes her head and wipes her eyes slightly.
"Don't be silly, you didn't know and it's better you found out through me anyways." She tells you and you're glad that you found out through her too, you don't think you would've been able to handle it coming from Jisung. "If you do not mind me, but when did she pass" you ask carefully as to not break her.
"Last May" she tells you and you hear sadness in her voice , as it slightly cracks and you release a deep sigh as to rid your body from the contagious mood. With that she hands the letter back into your hand and leaves you to wash up, "Dinner will be ready soon, please wash up" she urges you to go into the room.
You walk down the corridor, steps heavy as your heart grieves for Jisung and as you're reminded of your own father's death, though he planned on marrying you to a stranger you didn't love and never truly wanting you to live happily. You loved and still love him with every ounce of your being, all making grief an impossibly hard process. For your heart hurt and your mind could not comprehend why. Your eyes stung with tears and your hands trembling with pain and still the mind was questioning why you felt sad. Then the guilt blooms, hovering above you, for this man raised you and cared for you and yet you question your grief as you sit by his deathbed. Yet you remind yourself that questioning your grief is better than not feeling any at all, you remember looking over towards your mother who wore black and instead of grieving her husband's death, she felt grief for her widow status that crushed her social status, for who was she without her husband.
So as you remove the many pearls and diamonds around your neck, gifted to you by your mother, you’re reminded why you left that life behind. You won’t be defined by your husband but by what you have achieved and for who you are. Yet you leave on the thin golden chain with a single pendant on your neck, as a reminder for where to come from and how far you’ve travelled. It was a gift from both your mother and father, the one gift you like to think wasn’t used as a symbol of your wealth to attract men in asking for your hand in marriage, the simplicity of this necklace led you to believe that this was a genuine gift of their love.
Changing out of your ball gown or the remainders of it, you feel anew. Stripping out of your old skin and into much comfortable and humble ones, you feel as if your new life is finally starting and though it’s far from what anyone would have wanted for your life to be like, it’s what you want. You’ve been here for just under an hour and instantly you're on cloud nine, floating to where only the sun is. The rays dancing on your skin and euphoria runs within your veins, this is life.
You’re not sure how long you’ve been in a daze but soft knocks on the door is what awakens you and you're quick to open the door, not wanting to leave the person on the other side waiting but you’re met with a fist, that seems as if it malfunctions as it goes down by the side of the same person who seems to waking you out of all your dazes recently. Jisung stands there awkwardly, legs crossed and hands behind his back, he stutters as he says “dinner is...um.. It is awaiting” and with that he cuts himself off, rushing the words out of his mouth and quickly turns around, rushing downstairs.
You can only smile at him, how was someone allowed to be that cute. Following soon after him you enter into the dinning room, the smile on your face completely wiped off by the shock of two other men sitting around the table. Your back straightens as your body stiffens, by habit, you’ve been taught to look most confident when caught off guard.
“Sit here y/n” Daphne takes out the seat opposite of Jisung and next to a man you don’t know until he smiles your way, you recognise that smile and it’s still as pretty as it looks in the picture hanging in the kitchen. You smile back at him as you make your way by his side and take your seat.
“Hello, I’m Jaemin” he turns to you, dropping his fork and it clatters as it hits the plate, a beautiful smile across his face and you finding it comforting to think it hasn’t changed at all. He then lifts your hand to his lips, placing them softly on your knuckles all whilst keeping that damn smile held across his lips and staring straight into your soul, heat rises up your body slightly thrown back and he can see the shock in your eyes . Your well crafted facade cracking. His eyes are still boring into yours and you can’t move, stuck looking into his eyes, hands stuck to his until a kick. Coming from across the table, a force hits Jaemin’s shin causing him to yelp, instantly turning away from you and dropping your hand, you notice a small smile on Jisung’s face as he tries to conceal his laughter. You turn to look at where such a force came from, fierce strong features and an intimidating stare yet when he turns to you crescent moons appear, his aura changing immediately and the child in the portrait comes to life. “I’m Jeno” his voice is soft yet clear and all you can do is smile back before replying simply your name “Y/N” you tell him and he nods your way.
Thinking that silence would now set in was foolish of you, for you should’ve guessed Jaemin isn’t the type to let there be silence and looking back now you could definitely tell he was itching to ask you so many questions. “I guess you have already met Jisung” he turns to you again and you only nod, looking up at the tall boy in front of you but he only stares at the soup in front of him but you know he senses your gaze as he twitches slightly in his seat, holding himself back from looking up and directly into your eyes. “He is not usually this quiet, he will warm up to you soon” Jaemin apologises on behalf of Jisung yet he grimaces at the words that leave Jaemin’s mouth but you smile at Jaemin ignoring Jisung’s expression.
The rest of dinner is filled with small talk between you and Jaemin, him asking you your favourite colour and trivial things like that, you discussed different authors and scriptors to which Jeno also chimed in on the conversation, both very impressed on your knowledge though you aren’t sure if they were impressed because you were a woman or genuinely impressed by the vast knowledge you had accumulated over the years spent in your father’s library however you brushed that thought aside, carrying on with the conversation, eyes drifting to Jisung at times who just sat there playing around with spoon, twisting it between his fingers instead of daring to look at you let alone to add to the conversation. Finally as Daphne takes away the plates, Jeno stands up dismissing himself from the table, “It was a pleasure to meet you Y/N, I hope you stay a while it was fun having you” he tells you with those same moons for eyes and you thank him for his hospitality “It was a great pleasure to meet you too, thank you for allowing me to stay” you say them at Jeno and Jaemin but they’re mainly directed to Jisung who brought you here.
“If there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to tell me” Jaemin smiles, a hand on your shoulder as he stands next to where you sit and you only nod at him, he then comes to your ear, lips so close you feel them brush against the shell “Jisung will come around, I’m sorry if he’s making you feel uncomfortable” he apologises on his behalf for the second time that night and you wave him off with a smile. You could already tell that Jisung is shy and awkward but it’s not confused for hate or resentment, he simply doesn’t know how to act around a female and it’s clear the way he trips over his words and his very own legs but to be fair they are very long.
After everyone left the table and made their ways to their own rooms, you too made your way to bed. Laying there you think back to how far you’ve come, a few months ago this all would have been nothing but a dream and now it’s a reality and the euphoric feeling you imagine is everything and more. Freedom is worth anything is what you’ve learnt, the freedom to live your life the way you want. To be in control of all your decisions, living with the consequences but not a single shred of regret because you chose it and therefore it must have been for a reason. It’s new and exciting but so scary as the colony of butterflies bloom in your stomach, all the possibilities panning out in your head and for some reason as you drift off to sleep that night, you see Jisung in this future of yours.
The sun shined in through the sheer curtains of your room, sunlight dancing on your skin and the warmth made you feel alive as it tingled. The house was quiet and as you look out the window you realise that even the Sun has still yet to wake fully, still sleepy rising out of the horizon. The birds chirp and the lavender fields roar as the wind dances but there in the middle of it all is a figure. Jisung. Your eyes light up and your legs are quick to move, still in your nightgown, hair in a mess you rush to meet him there. The stairs creak as you step down them slowly, as if a child trying not to get caught, you try your best not to wake a soul.
Once out the door you run out towards the purple sea, the cold morning air refreshing to the midday humidity that sticks your clothes to your skin, instead the wind blows through you and you feel free as all boundaries and confinements are washed away but then it hits you, causing your legs to halt. Jisung barely knows you, how weird it would be for you to run up to him at the break of dawn? Very weird you decide as you slowly make your way back to the house, hoping to not make any noise that might draw his attention your way.
Stepping back inside, your back against the heavy wooden door you let out a deep sigh as your eyes fall closed in relief. Thank god he didn't see you, you think to yourself as you just stepped into the living room and your heart dropped down to your stomach, lungs stopping as you see him there. Jisung flicking through a book, his eyes come up to meet yours which are blown out in shock as you stare between him and looking back at the door, his lips fold into a line and you practically see the questions forming in his mind as he scratches the top of his head.
“Good Morning” you say with a smile but the embarrassment isn’t covered well, eyes everywhere but his. He softly replies with a mumble you’re unsure if he actually said anything back or if you just made it up but as your eyes land on the book in his hand and all thoughts are banished. You rush round the table, Jisung’s eyes wide now as it’s his turn to be shocked as you sit down beside him, taking the book out of his hand to have a look at the title. “Ah a classic” you say as your fingers run over the title and Jisung only nods at your words. “Is it your favorite Shakespearean play?” you ask in hopes of starting up conversation, all you get in return is nod of the head but that does nothing but urge you to talk again to fill the silence. “I like Hamlet but i think Macbeth is my favourite. The best character being Lady Macbeth, a strong ambitious women” you state and Jisung only laughs at this causing you to turn back to him.
“She had lost her mind” he laughs again and you smile
“Yes but as a woman she exerts power and it’s not really seen much in female characters in stories and real life” you tell him, explaining how a woman like her is admirable for her strong spirit.
“Yes but doesn’t Shakespear describe her to have a masculine soul that within a femine body, he is saying the ambition and power are masculine and therefore is she really a good embodiment for strong powerful females?” he argues back, questioning you and you can’t help but smile.
“But he uses her and the witches to plant the idea of murder in Macbeth’s head, he shows that they are powerful and can achieve what they want through manipulation which he explains to be a women’s method, they are in control of the men and it shows that if it weren’t for social confinments that they would pursue their ambitions for themselves, is Macbeth really the one in control?” you question him back and he smiles
“You win” he laughs and pride is struck through you, there’s no feeling quite similar to winning a debate but there's sadness at the bottom of your gut as you remember and miss your brothers who you would debate with until frustrations would burst out of you all and it leads to punches being thrown around.
“Let me guess, you hate Romeo and Juliet” he expects you to say yes and you know it’s because he probably thinks their love for each other is shallow but you can’t say you do.
“I don’t actually, aside from the whole love at first sight, I somewhat relate to it” you tell him eyes staring at him but unfocused as you think back to how your own life was in comparison to Juliet’s, “the being forced into something you don’t want and dying for your freedom, in this case her freedom was Romeo but i don’t think he was the only reason she chose to flee, I’d like to think ran away for herself and to allow herself her own choices in life” and then silence as Jisung took in your words, a perspective he had never really thought about, the story was always solely based on romance but then again he had never been put in the position of being forced into something so life changing such as marriage. Jisung couldn’t begin to comprehend how it felt to be used so obviously for social gain and being stripped and deprived of anything else that would hinder that.
Sensing stiffness in the air, you had to do something about it, you finally got Jisung to actually have a conversation with you. “Still Macbeth is the best” and again you manage to get a laugh out of him. The sound is so sweet that angels come down to listen to it, the heavens split open at the first bubble of laughter that leaves his mouth and your eyes light up as your body tingles with pride for causing it, you’re addicted to it and you're itching to hear it again. You need to hear it again.
The moment is cut off though with the entrance of Jaemin and Jisung’s eyes avert to his brother greeting him a good morning as quietly as he did to you and Jaemin sleepy replies in a yawn, rubbing his eye before sitting down opposite you. “Morning y/n” he greets you and you smile before greeting him back, turning back to Jisung to hopefully start up the conversation again. “So what else are you reading?” you ask and your eyes light up as you scan over the many books on the table before you.
“Oh y/n, you know how to read!” Jaemin jumps up, it wasn’t expected for someone to be literate to the extent they could read Shakespeare or any higher educational scriptures, unless of a high class, let alone a women but your father taught you all he could and then you leached off your brothers who were lucky enough to be sent to school but Jaemin had already been aware of this “Yes my father taught me” you tell him and he nods rapidly.
“Yes I know, I just thought you’d like to know that there’s a library upstairs if you ever get bored and want to read something” he tells you and excitement bubbles up inside you and the instinct to run up there and have a look at their book collection is something far harder to conceal then it should be and Jaemin laughs at your eagerness. “Jisung could use someone like you, he’s always trying to get away from his studies” and you hear Jisung let out a nervous laugh as you turn towards him, completely offended.
“You have the privilege of being able to study and you want to run away from it” you gasp and it causes Jaemin to laugh again but this wasn’t a laughing matter, you were completely serious. You would die to be in his position and something about the way Jisung holds an apologetic look makes you think he knows you would.
“I guess you’ll just have to be with him to help him study” Jaemin offers a solution and your eyes light up at this, the excitement running through your veins. You all know exactly what that means, yes it’s babysitting Jisung to make sure he gets all his work done but it also means you get to study whatever he’s learning and expand your knowledge as far as you can. Jisung seemed hesitant at first but after seeing how you visibly lit up at the suggestion he couldn’t help but agree to take you along with him when he had to study.
After breakfast Jisung led you up to the library, it was a large room filled from ceiling to floor with books, the sight alone made you dizzy with excitement, as you stepped in the beloved smell of old books filled your senses and your hands instantly rushed to run along the spines of every book. Your eyes sparkled as you looked over each one and Jisung watched as fascination completely engulfed you, he couldn’t stop watching as you pick out a book, couldn’t take his eyes off you as your eyes skimmed the blurb, he was mesmerized by what he wasn’t too sure of. His eyes didn’t seem to be able to move on from your figure until you turned to face him, time stood still as he watched more and more of the bright smile that was held across your face be revealed to him, you were beautiful. Once met with yours, his eyes scrambled away as they always do and he was quick to turn around and seat himself at the desk that sat in the centre of the room.
You too situated yourself on one of the more comfortable chairs, opposite to Jisung, you watched him begin to write, his head slanted and both arms splayed out on the table, he was the height of beauty and grace, the gods carved him from marble, so ethereal Aphrodite herself was jealous of his perfection, Apollo envied his grace. Though you were here to study, read as many books time allowed you, your eyes were distracted and little did you know they were distracting Jisung as well. Your gaze causes his breath to halt, his hands to sweat and pink dust to decorate his skin. You were dazed, stuck in a trace of his beauty and had to do something to get out of it, you clenched your hand; nails digging into your palms, pressing hard to wake you. You forced your head to the side, eyes looking at the bookshelf once again but your actions caused Jisung to look up, you can feel his stare on you and a shiver is sent through your spine, too scared to look back at him, afraid you’ll be pulled back into his trance.
“You have a lot of German books” you say, hoping your nervousness isn’t obvious and just to be sure you get up and head towards the books. You feel him staring at every step you take and you just pray you're the only one that can hear the loud thumping of your heart against your ribcage as a colony of butterflies bloom in your stomach. Fingers tracing over the German writing on the spine of each book, you try to distract yourself from him and try to compose yourself once again but then his voice echoes through the room, deep and smooth it sends shivers rippling through you.
“My father was stationed in Germany” he tells you as his eyes finally move away from your figure, a sense of relief washes over you as he continues to write once again. Yet you're still too nervous to turn around, too nervous to look at him, he who is the epitome of beauty.
“Still?” you ask, filling in the silence as you pull out another book, examining the words on the front cover but you instantly regret it as Jisung’s eyes fall back onto you.
“After the war he was assigned a higher position in the Rhineland and then after they were dismissed he was asked to stay along the French borders'' he tells you and once again your curiosity gets the best of you and you ask him another question. If you remember correctly, it’s been 10 years since the dismissal of the troops in the Rhineland.
“So when was the last time you saw him?” and instantly you regret the words that leave your mouth, your curse yourself a million times over. Jisung’s silence is all too overwhelming and your chest grows tighter as guilt takes over your body and just as you’re about to apologise, he answers
“He visited last year” Jisung simply states but you can hear the strain in his voice, the pain he’s tried his best to cover yet it seeps through and your glad you can’t see him right now because you couldn’t bare to see the sparkle in his eyes fade slightly as you remember the passing of his mother, that most probably led to his father returning back home. Silence settles again and your frozen by the shelves, the air so heavy it feels as if weights were holding you down, your mind hazy as you space out and as the common pattern goes, Jisung wakes you out of the depths of your mind with a voice as smooth as honey, it provides a comfort that sends shivers down your spine. “He’ll be back soon though, he’s officially been discharged for retirement” he tells you as if he can feel your stiffness and out of the corner of your eye you see he’s giving you a small comforting smile, just to make the air seem a little lighter.
Time seems to fly past as you both sit there, Jisung’s hands busy writing away as he refers back to scriptures and your eyes busy as you read up on German politics and the structure of the Weimar constitution, that revolutionised democracy, the sun was now high in the sky as noon approached. You didn’t even notice until Jisung let out a loud yawn, arms above his head as he stretched and let out mumbles of how you should stop for today or at least take a break. You only nodded in response as you stretched your own limbs out, you had ended up curled up in the chair with your legs tucked away as you leaned into what you were reading. Jisung couldn't help but smile as he looked up occasionally to see your eyebrows furrowed as you read and he can't help the soft laugh from escaping his lips now as he watches you stretch. "And what is it that you find so funny?" You question him, eyes narrowed but your lips are clearly fighting back a smile and the sight of it flusters Jisung, stammering over his words ``N-Nothing" he answers and you let out a small smile to let him know you were only kidding.
As you both leave the room, you can't help but follow Jisung "and what is it you do after you are done studying?" Your question startled him as he visibly flinched at the sound of your voice and he mentally tells himself to get used to your unquenchable curiosity. "Except for picking lavenders" you tease. He lets out a soft laugh, the same sound you've been itching to hear since this morning.
"Nothing much" he tells as he makes his way down the stairs. Following him down, he makes his way towards the drawing room, sitting himself down in an old velvet chair, you place yourself beside him in a matching one. Your eyes peering over towards his hands that pull at needle and thread and you’re astounded by the sight in front of you, a male who knows how to sew is as rare as diamonds, as impressive as gold. Jisung continuously stuns you, his nimble fingers work diligently as they pull the thread to make patterns across the once plain cloth.
He can feel the burn of your stare on his hands, his chest tightens and his nerves are lit on fire, he is hyper aware of every wander of your eyes. His mind clouded by the mere thought of you watching him, his mind so fixated on impressing you, for a reason he’s not sure of, he doesn’t pay much attention to the needle any longer; a mistake he realises once the sharp point collides with the soft skin of his index, drawing blood. He flinches back away from the sharp contact as you leap forward to cup his hand in both of yours. Pressing your thumb against his finger, applying pressure in hopes of stopping the seeping blood, you slightly blow upon it to relieve it of any pain but Jisung can’t feel any pain not when your overwhelming heat rolls of you and radiates on to his skin, with every touch sparks fly on top of his skin fizzling underneath and seeping into his bloodstream. A fluttering blooms in his stomach and Jisung has no idea what this feeling is, it’s new and exciting. He craves it as his eyes drift to your worried face and once your eyes meet his, the emotion is buried by the overwhelming nervousness he feels engulfing him, his cheeks flush and his breath is caught in his throat. He pulls away from you and quickly stands “I’ll” he pauses thinking what to say next “I’ll get a bandage” he spits the words out as soon as his mind comes up with the excuse.
“I’ll get it, sit down” you stand up and ready to head towards any one of the maids that could help you but your steps are interrupted by Jisung’s voice once again.
“No it’s fine, I’ll get it” he blurts out, hand stopping you as he places in front of you, your head moving back on reflex, and with that Jisung runs out the room; feet moving fast as his left hand tightly wraps around his right index.
You sit there for what felt like forever waiting for Jisung’s return but in reality it was no more than 10 minutes, you were never one to hold patience. So you rose to your feet, eager to find the tall boy that let awkwardness roll off of him. Heading to the direction you saw Jisung turn, you make your way to the familiar kitchen, many busy bodies work their way around preparing for dinner as the clock is nearing sun fall. Your eyes wander the familiar walls with the same pictures you stared at upon the first day of your arrival, until they stopped on the figure they seeked. There he stood by the wooden table that just about reached his waist. He poured flour into a bowl, followed by two eggs and your eyes watched his every moment again and as if he could sense you, his rose to meet you once again. You smile because it just comes so naturally when with him and he smiles back, how could he not?
Inviting yourself in, you step closer towards Jisung, “A cook too” you say, you’re impressed and it’s evident in your voice.
“It’s a basic necessity” he says yet there’s a pink coating that dusts his cheeks, you know he’s flattered by your words despite his own.
“Basic necessity?” you question as you sit down, legs crossed, on an empty wooden chair just by where he stands “I guess I should learn” you state nonchalantly, not expecting the reaction it would provoke from Jisung. His head snaps to turn to you, his eyes searching your face for any indication that you were only pulling his leg, that this was only a joke but those indications never showed because this wasn't a joke, you were serious.
“What? Does a girl have to know how to cook?” you question him in a scoff, an eyebrow raised as you question his thoughts that control his expressions.
“No they don’t but I can be surprised, I know you are surprised I can” he rebuttals, calling out your hypocrisy but to this you only smile, you were glad Jisung could stand his own ground, it wouldn’t be fun otherwise.
“More impressed than surprised” you state, earning a smile from Jisung once again, you pat yourself on the back each time you manage to pull out that sweet, healing smile that seems to wash all worries away.
“Who’s to say I’m not impressed” he questions you once again and continues to mix the batter, adding more ingredients, again you smile at his words and Jisung feels his heart flutter at every stretch of your lips. He craves to see it more.
“Can you teach me?” your question catches him off guard and his eyebrows leap up into the soft brown hair that covers his forehead, “what I’m not totally hopeless, I’ve read a book on it before” you pout. Laughter rings through the air as Jisung has doubled over, unable to hold in the snorts and his breathing unsteadies as your words register in his head and this only makes your pout more prominent and your eyebrows knit together.
“I’m sorry” Jisung laughs out as his eyes fall onto your expression but he can’t hold it in, a few bubbles of laughter spilling out as he tries to calm his breaths, his eyes glossy as tears threaten to fall and you try to fight back your own laughter as the corners of your lips slightly perk up. “Did you say you read a book on cooking” he can’t even get through the sentence without laughing but he’s quick to reign it back in to allow you to answer.
“Yes” you say proudly, head still held high and Jisung bites down on his lips as the splutters of laughter threaten to escape again. “It’s obviously not the same thing but I’ve read basic methods” you state in defence.
“You make it sound like science” he scoffs at your words and you roll your eyes at his.
“Is it not, the mixing of substances to achieve a product. It sounds like alchemy to me” you explain your thought process and Jisung nods in agreement. Though you can tell he has something to say.
“Alright then, let us say cooking is science” he begins and you raise your eyebrow in questioning as to where this is leading “reading a method for an experiment is not the same as doing the experiment, there are things that are not accounted for, practical errors, measuring errors. The method tells you what to do but not how to do it” and before he can even finish his sentence properly you jump up, startling him slightly as he flinches back.
“And that is where you come in to teach me, guide me through the experiment” you plead but it sounds like he doesn’t really have an option, you’re practically telling him. He sighs but he has to give, how could he not when you're giving him your sweetest smile and when your eyes are practically begging him.
“I’m surprised you want to learn” he questions you “I thought you’d avoid anything that would have been forced upon you” he explains as he hands you an apron.
Your smile extends ear to ear as you take the apron from his hands, tying in behind your back you explain your sudden want to learn “Yes but I’m choosing to learn, this isn’t about adding another quality of a wife to my resume. This about extending my knowledge and as you said it is a basic necessity.”
Jisung only nods at your answer as he hands you another bowl, some ingredients already placed inside “follow after me” he says as he cracks an egg and pours it’s insides into the bowl and then turning to you he see you struggle, knocking the egg against the table softly you try and mimic his actions “Did the book not mention eggs?” he laughs and so does Daphne who observes close by as you send him glares that wish him death.
“Like this” he says as he places his hands over yours, guiding you but your eyes aren’t focused on the egg in your hold, you’re focused on Jisung who’s so close, too close. You feel his breath on the side of your neck and goosebumps arise on the surface of your skin as shivers are sent down your spine. The scent of cotton, jasmine and of course lavenders invade your senses and blur your mind. You can’t help but stare at Jisung, perfection personified as he concentrates on explaining how to assure no shell falls into the batter. Yet the words enter one ear and exit the other as you watch his lips move, your eyes stuck and it’s only when his eyes move up to meet yours does he also realise the little space between the two of you. His hands still holding onto yours, his eyes move down. Slowly they trace the features of your face, the bridge of your nose, the dip of your cupid’s bow and then they stop at your lips. His breathing halts, his heart skips beats as it dances in his chest and when he feels unbearable heat take over him he forces himself away from you. Quickly flinching back, his warmth leaves you, he clears his throat and turns from your gaze that still stares, he continues showing you what to do and no more words are exchanged as the heaviness in the air sets in.
Many weeks go by where you and Jisung spend all your mornings in the library, which had now become your favourite spot in the house, you look forward to picking up a new book every morning, look forward to watching Jisung so focused on his work, telling him all about what you’ve learnt and occasionally sparking up a debate but you also find yourself staring out the window wishing for the sun to only raise itself higher and higher as you wish for midday to arrive, to run away with Jisung down into the kitchen where he continues to teach you how to cook, some days he would take you into town to pick out fresh ingredients or some days into the drawing room where he attempts to teach you how to sow. After a few failed attempts, your patience wearing thin and much blood being drawn from your fingers, you give up on sewing however cooking is a much greater achievement and the outcome was worth every bit of it. The smile on Jisung’s face every time he’d taste something he’d liked, every time you remember a part of a recipe and every time he would sit down at the dinner table and Jeno or Jaemin would compliment your cooking. He felt immense pride in you and it fostered a love for cooking within you.
Other days when the weather prohibited it, Jisung would take you out into the lavender field. You’d sit in between the rows and rows of purple, picking at the prettiest ones.The sun high in the sky, august warmth embracing you as the wind blew over the roaring fields, dancing between your hair. “Look I learnt this from a book” you sit beside Jisung, his head snaps up and his attention is on your fingers now as they twirl the thin stems in and around each other to form a knot. “Purity, silence, devotion and grace are what a lavender symbolise” you begin to tell him “and you Jisung” you place the intertwined lavenders behind his ear, he’s visibly flustered as his cheeks turn hues of pink and it only urges you on “are exactly that” you whisper to him as if the lavenders had ears and could hear your confession, for these words are for Jisung’s only.
Jisung’s eyes widened as each word that was revealed to him, his heart thumping in his chest and his mind set on fire as chaos engulfed him. His thoughts scrambled and instantly his mind went to countless different possibilities as to what those words meant but looking up at you his mind cleared for he only saw beauty. The beauty your eyes held, as they sparkled infinitely each time they skimmed over the countless words on a book, the beauty your smile held when someone complimented your new found cooking skills, the beauty in your voice each time you called on him as the new found nickname “sungie” which caused his heart to melt, the beauty you held in the way you carried yourself never letting anyone put you down. Jisung adored you in every way, embers in his chest that grew into a flame, which spreads through his entirety burning all. A blissful pain sits at the core of him, aching, he longs for you but do you long for him? Is he but a fool to fall in love with a stranger, the stranger in the lavender fields. Is he a fool for falling in love with you? Is this even love? His eyes fixated on your lips, he examines the curve of them, the colour, their beauty. As if they were magnets he’s drawn to them, slowly inching himself forward, so close he could feel the warm air that made it past them.
So close and yet so far is he to you, the sweet smell of lavenders is dizzying, the sunlight burns your skin but against Jisung’s it only illuminates his, he glows. The urge to place your lips on top of his, eats away at your skin, the want crawls under and down your spine, shivers resonate throughout your body as he nears. The world falls away, the slight buzzing of bees fade, the tickles of the grass dissipate and you only feel Jisung. His presence, the brush of his knee against yours and the warmth that radiates off him. Your heart stops, you stop breathing, anticipating what’s about to happen next until suddenly Jisung’s head snaps to the right and reality comes flooding in as you hear both your names ringing and ripping through the air. “Jisung! Y/N!” Daphne shouts and Jisung jumps up answering for both of you “We’re coming!” Left completely stunned you sit there, mind in chaos as your embarrassment engulfs you. Your eyebrows furrowed, you think to yourself how you could allow for yourself to fall into his spell. What were you thinking? That’s the problem, around Jisung you can’t think, everything happens on pure instinct and desire. Then as if you had rewinded time, a shadow is casted over you, a hand is placed in front of you to take and as he did on that first day, he snaps you out of your daze. “Are you feeling well?” he asks in that same soft voice. Your hand twitches to move towards him and it takes everything in your power to stop it from falling into his grasp once again.
“Fine” it comes out much colder than you expected it to as you rise up to your feet on your own, his hand is left hanging awkwardly to which he slowly closes before placing it behind his head as he bites his bottom lip and your eyes can’t help but fall on them again, they which were so close and yet so far. “Let’s go” and this time you lead him out of the lavender field.
The walk back to the house is silent, the same awkwardness that hadn’t made an appearance in so long settles in the air, it’s thick and heavy and you can feel it weigh you down. Upon arriving back to the house, a carriage awaits outside, a military emblem on the back and your heart drops, eyes widen and your steps stop. “It couldn’t be” you let out at barely a whisper.
But the slightest sound from you is enough to have Jisung’s head snap up towards you, for he’s been waiting for you to make a sound, any sound to rid this atmosphere. "What is it?" He asks also hushed, his eyes follow yours and there it leads to the carriage, a smile rips through his face and he runs ahead. Confused you rush your steps but the anxiety building up in your chest stays, the lump in your throat is still hard to swallow.
“Y/N!” Jaemin calls you whilst waving his hand eagerly, calling you to come quickly and as you step closer the constraining feeling in your chest dissipates as the figure that steps out of the carriage is an unknown one to you. You stand by Jaemin’s side, who radiates excitement off him and you can’t help but smile as the little boy in the picture is standing right before you, the same eager stance and pretty smile that even the sun envies. The man exists and immediately pulls Jeno into an embrace so tight and you swear you see Jeno’s eyes sparkle as tears threaten to fall. Jisung is much less subtle at concealing his tears, he sobs into the man’s shoulder and it’s only then you presume this is their father. Jisung’s eyes are red and he sniffles as his father let’s go of him and your heart clenches at his adorableness. Jaemin is as happy as ever, hugging his father as tight as ever, eyes closed in pure bliss. You’re smiling like a fool as the heartwarming scene unfolds in front of you, so busy looking at the happy smiles and the stray few tears that are still running down Jisung’s cheeks you don’t notice the new acquaintance step in front of you until he clears his throat and you jump to meet his gaze.
“You must be Y/N” he smiles extending his hand and you place yours in it, shaking it. “I’ve heard a lot about you in all my son’s letters” your eyes widen and your turn to the three boy, Jaemin with that damn smirk on his face, Jisung avoiding your eyes and as always finding his shoes much more interesting, thank god for Jeno who offers a comforting smile assuring it’s all good things. “Sir you’ve raised three fine men, who have all welcomed me” you bow your head in thanks and he smiles once again.
“I couldn’t possible take any credit for it, it’s all thanks to their mother and Daphne of course” he turns from you to her and she pulls him into an embrace “Thank you for looking after them” he says barely audible but Daphne catches it and just as softly replies “but of course”. As everyone heads inside you wait until Jisung is by your side to start heading in as well, “Crybaby” you whisper with a teasing smile you nudge him with your elbow, he scoffs as he’s wiping his tear stained cheeks but he can’t help smile back at you.
Seated around the dining table, as always by Jaemin’s side and opposite Jisung, their father sits at the head of the table and more food than ever is being served tonight in celebration. You’re much more quiet tonight despite Jaemin continuously making sure you feel involved in the conversation, you’re eternally grateful for him. “So Y/N, why did you leave home?” their father asks so casually it almost goes unnoticed by the boys but Jisung almost chokes on his water, Jeno’s eyes widen and Jaemin almost immediately tries to shut down the conversation “Father” he gives him a pointed look, jaw clenched, eyebrows furrowed as he shakes his head.
“Jaemin, it's okay" you smile towards him, "freedom i suppose sir" you answer the question and Jisung's father squints his eyes, as he lets out a hum in acknowledgement of your answer. "Even after all your family has done for you?" He continues to question "you come from the family my late wife used to work under, am I correct?" And you simply nod "yes I do".
"The late General's daughter" he states "I wonder if he's turning in his grave at this moment" Jisung's grip on his silverware tightens and you notice his knuckles turn white and once again Jaemin's stare is begging his father to stop as Jeno looks over to see how affected you are by his cruel words. You don't falter though, you know what you've done can seem selfish but it was necessary "I'm sure he is" you laugh out "but he's always known I'm never one to listen" you continue to pick away at the food on your plate and you can feel all there gazes falls onto you, as you look up Jisung’s eye bore into yours as he mouths a soft “sorry” to you and you smile back at him shaking your head.
“I assume you’ve run from marriage” Jisung’s father starts up conversation again and you only nod as an answer “Are you against marriage?” he asks and it’s if he wants tears to fall from your eyes as he keeps pushing where he knows it’ll hurt. “Of course not but I would like to pursue a higher education or experience the world first” you explain, still keeping your calm.
“You think a woman is capable of doing such things?” he asks again and it’s this question that really makes your skin crawl and your jaw tighten. Questioning your methods of gaining freedom is one thing but looking down on all women and claiming them unable is one you can’t stand for. “I think we are very capable, I think the suffragettes have made that very clear and sir didn’t you work with the Weimar Government, they were the first government to allow women to vote I would think their initiative would have rubbed off on you” and he only smiles at your answer.
“I was stationed in Germany and worked under the Weimar Government up until their collapse, you’re correct” he begins to tell you “I have to tell you that I agree with your view, I’ve seen much that women are capable of doing” he says and your eyes widen at his words “I think what you did was brave and admirable, my three boys could learn from you, I hope you can lend Jisung some of your courage” he smiles at you and your jaw still hangs as does everyone else's around the table and as you look up to find pink hues invading Jisung’s cheeks once again, if you didn’t know any better you would have thought it were always like that regardless. You nod at their father before answering back “I think I’m the one who’s learning a lot form Jisung sir” and the shades of pink darken
The atmosphere had lightened again somewhat although the topic on war was not a light one at all, as their father expressed his worry about sending his three sons off to war and how in ruins the country would be again, worry sat in your chest. Jeno and Jaemin are strong all physically, emotionally and mentally but Jisung is the sweet boy who wouldn’t hurt a bee. “What do you think of the current situation of our country Y/N'' Jeno taking you out of your thoughts, you head snaps up to him “I think the war is unavoidable despite our economic stance, Germany has already invaded Czechoslovakia and it’s only time before they invade Poland meaning our involvement in the war is definite whether we want it or not'' the table falls silent as they process your words and it’s not until Jisung’s father begins to nod and expand on your thoughts but you zone out as you watch Jisung fiddle with the knotted lavenders you had gifted him and your lips can’t help but curve.
The next morning a book awaited you on your vanity, a scarlet red cover with gold print, you ran your fingers along. “Sonnets'' it read and as you flicked open to the first page, familiar handwriting appeared “A collection of my favourite - Jisung” a smile spread across your face as it usually did when your thoughts ran to Jisung. You sat down flicking to the first poem “Sonnet 18” a giggle escaped your mouth and like a schoolgirl already aware of the beauty Shakespear's arguably most famous sonnet holds, the giddy feeling of butterflies blooming caused your heartbeat to quicken and a heat to rise.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:
Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And too often is his gold complexion dimm’d:
Annotations surround the poem as Jisung highlights and picks out certain lines. The second line is underlined and next to it he writes “Though you are lovely, temperate is definitely up for debate” he teases and you scoff at his words. You read on and lines four and five are underlined and his annotation reads “The eye of heaven is you who shines gloriously throughout the day and yet too often you allow yourself to dim. Don’t.”
And every fair from fair sometimes declines,
By chance or natures changing course untrimm’d;
By thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
“You are my eternal summer, your beauty is one that isn’t possible to vanish, it’s infinite unlike summer which collapses in winter” you read on as lines nine and ten are underlined.
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
The the final annotation as the last three lines are highlighted, Jisung says “Your beauty shall remain eternal so long as my heart beats, so long as i live and breathe, so long as my eyes can see your beauty, I only seem to think of you now as i read this poem and in this poem the memory of you shall live on” you heart beats erratically in your chest, you’re breathless as his words halt your breathing. Forgetting such simple acts as thinking and even breathing seem to be a regular side effect in the presence of Jisung, just the mere thought of him. Your palms grow sweaty, your heart clenches reading over the words again and again, you pinch yourself. For this moment, seems like nothing but a dream, your heads in the cloud, you're living in the heavens. The feeling is suffocating, your own throat is closing in on you, the pain in your chest spreads like wildfire, your whole body aches with admiration for him. Yet the constant question looms over your head, what does he really mean by this? Is his feeling the same as yours? Or is he portraying the beautiful friendship you both have built over the weeks? One thing is sure and it’s that you can’t ruin that, can’t let the heavy air seep in once again and weigh you down.
The days folded out as normal, Jisung’s presence still as overwhelming as ever but you couldn’t help but find serenity in it, he was soft spoken yet his silence speaks the loudest for him, his grace and beauty as were one to be envied by all but you were nothing more than grateful for being able to witness it day after day, it were as if he had walked out of your dreams. The stolen glances, lingering stares as he smiled or laughed, he stole your heart and he wasn’t even aware it was his anyways. Sitting opposite him, you stare not caring if he or anyone catches you for your far past the point of holding any shame and allowing your eyes to do as they please.
"I have something to announce" Jeno suddenly speaks up, breaking the silence, all eyes turn to him and he audibly gulps. You’ve never seen him so nervous, fiddling with his silverware you almost mistook him for Jisung. He clears his voice before speaking, taking in a deep breath he prepares himself for the words that are about to leave him, “I am to marry” he says quickly waiting for a response, an outroar, a gasp and maybe a few tears but none of them come.
“About time don’t you think” Jaemin laughs out causing the rest of the table to release small giggles at Jeno’s expense, “You have been all giddy and heart eyes at that girl in the village since we were all but five- OW" Jaemin's face twists in pain, hands rushing to his shin as he's cut off by a harsh kick. Jisung and you burst into laughter not being able to hold it in any longer.
"And what are you two laughing at" Jeno punches at Jisung’s shoulder, immediately causing him to halt his laughter as he rubs his shoulder “Well brother, it’s not like it is a secret. Even Y/N knows” and you giggle again as Jisung enlightens Jeno on his obvious swooning.
“What?” Jeno’s eyes widen as he turns to you and you can’t help but laugh even more. “We visited the village and your eyes were stuck, Jeno you walked straight into Jisung” you burst out laughing as you recall the memory. Once the laughter, the teasing, the amount of huffs that leave Jeno quiet down your left with comfort, a bliss that you’ve never felt before, a smile that just won’t leave your face. It’s a beautiful feeling and you wish to memorise it for if numbness overtakes your body, you can relive this exact moment of the solace you found in those around this table.
“Is that three out of the four of us in love?” Jaemin smirks as he lifts his glass to his lips, looking around the table, Jeno scoffs at his words but confusion is written all over you and Jisung. Did Jaemin know that your heart only seems to beat for Jisung? How did he know? Who was the other person? Was it Jaemin or Jisung? If Jisung, who did he love? The questions ran through your mind in circles and it only spewed more questions to follow, your head was spinning stuck in the spiral of curiosity, but curiosity always killed the cat.
But cats have 8 other lives right? That is what you had decided later that night, sat beside Jisung on the stone wall, letting curiosity take over you - slightly. Your legs dangled, swinging them back and forth, whilst Jisung’s gaze was set on the crashing waves of purple as the moon pulled them back and forth; yours were stuck on him. The moonlight illuminated, captured his beauty in a way the sun couldn’t, it seemed the goddess of the moon saw greater beauty in Jisung than Apollo could ever begin to understand.
“I could not fail to realise that sonnet 23 was not amongst your favourite” your eyes darting out towards the fields as his turn to you, “It’s one of my favourites” you tell him.
“I’m sorry to disappoint but do you not think it’s a bit cliche” he laughs and your eyebrows shoot up in slight disbelief “and sonnet 18 is not” you scoff, finally meeting his eyes.
“Sonnet 18 is beautiful” he argues and he swings into you, nudging you slightly, rolling your eyes you nudge him back “Sonnet 23 is just as or dare I say more” and he smiles slightly, eyes turning back to the night sky, the clouds running over the moon and Jisung is left amongst the stars. “How so?” he dares to question.
“It is, for one, far more romantic” you begin “the thought of one loving you with so much passion, so unconditionally that it can not even be professed by words yet the love they feel is so strong they need an escape, to tell that person what they can not truly express fully, to let them show you how much they love you. To hear with eyes as Shakespear so beautifully put it” you nudge him again and he looks down at you, a smile as radiant as the sun,moon and stars combined graces you and again Jisung has stolen your heart in complete silence
“Yet what I love about Sonnet 18 is that it is not too romantic, that the love that Shakespear professes can be for a lover or a friend, he speaks of all the imperfections of summer yet still he loves it, he describes the person he loves as someone who defies all the imperfections for in his eyes they are perfect imperfections when it comes to them” he nudges you back with a slight giggle but you can’t return his happiness for you have been stung as his words seep into your mind.
“Oh for a friend” you whisper, he hears your words but not the sadness behind them as he continues with that bright smile “and that is why it was so perfect to give to you” his words are daggers to the heart, piercing through, it shatters and the fine pieces scatter throughout you and the sadness seeps through every fibre, cell and atom of your body.
“Are you feeling well?”he asks and worry sweeps the smile off his face as he finds the glossiness of your eyes, the slight redness as well as the unusual silence from you. “Fine” you answer jumping off the stone wall, “Just tired” you say looking out to the goddess of the moon one last time, unable to turn and look at the art she admired most. “Goodnight Jisung” you say as you turn back to the house, not sparing him a glance for he stole your heart and then broke it.
Though that night your tears mixed with moonlight until Morpheus took you to dream and then the next morning tears mixed with sunlight as Apollo pulled his golden chariot, with swollen eyes and a throbbing head you promised this wouldn’t affect the beautiful friendship that had bloomed. Jisung may not love you the way you would like but he still loved you, as a friend. The mere thought of the word stung, another aching rippled through you and your bones quacked.
Many dusks and dawns had passed and since,you’ve managed to create some distance between you and Jisung but as once said distance makes the heart grow fonder and you curse whoever uttered such truth. For every stolen glance and accidental touch seemed to make your dormant heart beat with every intent of being heard as it rose to your throat, suffocating you.
Jeno’s upcoming wedding being the greatest of all excuses to run away from the burning presence of Jisung, for you would flee to the village with Daphne and pick out materials, help Jeno’s fiance pick flowers, handwrite invitations with Jeno and accompany Jaemin on whatever errands he had been sent to do. No one questioned how you decided to spend your time, other than of course Jaemin who couldn’t help but let his curiosity lead the words that spewed out of him, to which you told him he’d regret someday.
“Just tell me Y/N” he groans as he carries the large basket of apples “Why spend your time with me instead of Jisung” he continues to pursue the answers you deny him of.
“Maybe because, and I dare to say, I like your company more” you pinch his cheek and laugh at the pout that forms on his face “What answer are you looking for Jaems, what would you have me say?”
“I want you to say you are helplessly in love with my brother who is just as in love with you however both of you are too busy quoting literature that is up for interpretation rather than professing your feelings because you lack the courage to do so” you freeze at his words and he also comes to a halt, turning towards you his eyes, sympathetic “you both are as obvious as Jeno” he lets out a small laugh.
“He does not love me Jaemin” your voice stern as you try to convince one who believes in fairytales, your steps quicken and he chases after you “and how exactly do you know?” he questions, curiosity endless.
“He said so, he said he gifted me Sonnet 18 as a friend.” You scoff at the absurd word that causes so much pain and you say it with spite everytime.
“Like I said he lacks courage and as my father said you, Y/N, can help him gain it” he tells you, eyes wide with hope and you admire Jaemin for being a hopeless romantic and you only hope he meets someone who completely fulfills his ideology of love.
“I don’t think I possess such courage anymore” you break it to him for Jisung has broken your heart once, how can you have the courage to allow him the chance to do it again.
Jeno’s wedding arrived much sooner than expected, as the weeks rushed past in much haste as the many busy bodies prepared for the beautiful evening and as hard as you tried to separate yourself from Jisung, the universe liked to disrupt those plans. To the place it all started, so close yet so far apart, you stood rows away from Jisung picking only the prettiest lavenders as per Jeno’s request. The air was thick and heavy despite the August breeze that ran through the fields, an unfamiliar heaviness sat between you two for even as strangers you were far more comfortable. Maybe it’s due to the curiosity you held back then, for the boy in the lavender field, beauty that wasn’t done justice by the word but now that you know him, adore him and are in love with him and now that your heart belongs to him but his not to yours. There’s a void left for the seeping awkwardness to fill, an uneasiness sat in your gut and every moment was excruciating to bare as your heart pains at every beat that belongs to him who does not seem to care.
“Lavenders wouldn’t be my first pick for a wedding” he speaks up first, the silence with you was something he wasn’t used to, you always made sure to replace it with continuous talking and contagious laughter and now that you weren’t, it didn’t feel right to him but you only nod in response not entertaining his thoughts any further. Jisung preferred silence, his thoughts more coherent, his emotions understandable, the silence was comfortable and not overwhelming but with you he couldn’t stand it, mind always wondering what you were thinking, what you were feeling, he needed to know.
So he carries on speaking, “If it were up to me, Irises and carnations” he expects an interrogation, your endless curiosity asking why that would be his pick but it never comes. So he continues speaking, giving you the answer you didn’t ask for “Irises mean faith, fitting for a lifelong vow” he laughs as he looks over to you stoic expression, cutting off his soft laughter he again begins to speak “and carnation, white ones that symbolise-”
“Eternal love” you cut him off, turning to him, finally speaking yet your tone is monotonous and there is no emotion evident on your face. There’s slight fear in him and it rises, a lump forming in his throat that he can’t quite seem to swallow “Exactly” he choked out, voice strained.
You let out a breath that seemed to be weighing you down, you couldn’t let him continue talking about the meaning behind the flowers, your heart couldn’t take it for aching stops momentarily and instead it flutters and swoons across your chest but then reality hit and it shatters all over again, the pain shooting through your bloodstream.
“Are you feeling well?” he asks as he always does and you answer “Fine” as you always do, even though you both know it’s a lie but he doesn’t push any further as always. The longing feeling for you to look at him and spill all your worries and feelings to him is so great but he doesn’t want to push you to nor does he expect you to trust him with that vulnerability when he himself does not have the courage to do the same back to you.
“I’m going to leave after Jeno’s wedding” you announce working up the little courage you have left, if you say it out loud then you’ll have to follow through. “Thank you for everything” you brace yourself to meet his eyes once more as you turn. “What? Why?” concern so evident in the way his voice wavers, eye glossed over as tears threaten to fall.
“I left to seek my own happiness in life, to make a mark on this Earth yet instead I ran from relying on my family to relying on you and yours” again your voice is completely void of emotions, yet every part of your body was screaming. Longing for the warmth, solace and peace you had found here and it’s at this point you curse yourself for memorising that bliss for all you will do is miss it.
“Did you not feel happiness here?” he screams out, harsher than he expected as he voice comes out rough and broken and you stand there eyes wide for this was the first time the pure,silent and serene boy that stands in the lavender fields has allowed so much emotion to course through his body and you can tell by the way he shakes, the way he struggles to breath and the shock that immediately washed over him upon hearing his own voice raised “I’m sorry” he mumbles in a heavy exhale.
“Thank you for everything Jisung” you offer him a smile as you leave, avoiding his question, leaving him standing alone in the lavender fields.
Leaving the basket of lavenders with Jeno, you rush up the stairs and only when behind the safety of your door do you allow the tears to come streaming down your face, sobs escaping and you hold your mouth to conceal them as you take deep shaky breaths to steady your breathing. Your whole body aches and shakes as it mours the end of your stay, the tears cloud your vision and as you lay down to ease the heartbeat in your head, you cry yourself into a slumber. Even as the dreams swirl around you, pulling you into the unconscious, reality never truly slips away, it haunts you as even in the world you build you can’t stray away from it. The ability to dream of anything further isn’t a possibility, he doesn’t love you and that’s the reality. Why bother dreaming of something that isn’t meant to be. Yet you can’t help but dream of him. His eyes, his smile, his warmth, the pink dust that always decorates his cheeks, his laugh and his existence.
In your days you are held hostage by the daydreams, the what ifs. It felt like you had loved him in every lifetime, you wonder if any had got it right? Had any been loved by him? Your body lies stiff, falling in and out of consciousness but your mind never leaves him. Days go by but time becomes nothing but a construct, eating only becomes a chore.
“Y/N?” a soft voice calls as the door narrows open, a steady stream of gold shining in. You don't move, your head feeling like it's weighed down but you can easily identify the soft voice that speaks. "I brought you something to eat" the footsteps near you, the heavy thuds vibrating through your head. Your eyes peek open to meet Jaemin who crouches down beside you. He moves the few stray strands of hair behind your ear, noticing the wet glimmer of your cheeks he wipes away the tears that stain them.
"What's wrong?" He whispers as if any harsher tone would break you, as if you weren't already broken. You shake your head as your only reply, voice too weak and broken to speak up. You would love to talk to Jaemin, to spill all your worries and heartache but this is a pain too painful to speak of. His hands hold onto your cheeks wiping away any of the stray tears that still fall. His warmth is comforting but it only makes you yearn for Jisung’s more.
Jaemin doesn't leave you that day, he sits by your side in silence. He holds your hand and wipes away your tears, he doesn't attempt to mend your heart, he just sits beside you as it cries out the pain. "It will heal, it will mend itself" he whispers to you as you drift off into the unconscious once again.
It’s the constant knocking at your door that drags you out of the depths of your slumber, pulling you back, the light that streams in as the sun is about to set and you wonder how long you have slept, what time it was and what day it is. Then another knock calls your attention from the window and Daphne steps in “Y/N” she says and her voice is high in surprise as she examines the puffy redness around your eyes. “I was expecting you to be already awake, it is almost time to head to the wedding” she chooses to ignore the wet stains on your silk pillow, choosing to bite her tongue. You choose not to answer her back afraid your voice was raspy and would break, you crawl towards the edge of the bed and swing your legs over as you make your way to the chair that neatly holds your gown for the night, the night that has finally arrived,your last night.
You can see her face change, each one expressing the internal turmoil within her as she questions whether or not to say something. “Just say it Daphne '' you sigh out in a weak smile as you change into the many layers that need to be placed under the gown.
“Ah well” she begins nervously as she fiddles with her loose strings of her apron, she stutters and stumbles over her words but you’ve been taught patience by Jisung as he’d do the same.You smile at the memory of him stuttering, blush across his cheeks as he got nervous causing him to stumble over his words more. You loved seeing him so flustered, loved seeing him progressively become so comfortable around you he never stuttered, became so confident and articulate it was as if he became another person but the same dust of pink never faded but the more you think of him the more it pains and your heart swells as it aches. “You see y/n” she finally spits out as if she had been wrestling the words “If this is your last night, would you not want to leave with a loving memory?” she asks nervously.
“So it seems word has travelled” you let out a small laugh as you turn to her to pull the strings of your gown and as her hands move to tie knots she laughs as well “Nothing gets past me” and her nervousness visibly dissipates. No more words are exchanged as she helps you ready for tonight, no more words are needed as she sees you slip into the depths of your mind, thinking of what your next act is.
As she places the same pearl necklace you wore the day you came here around your neck, clasping it, she finally turns to leave and through the mirror you see her hesitate but she turns back around a smile across her face “It was a pleasure to meet you ma’am” she says with teary eyes “Y/N” you correct her as you rise quickly, wrapping your arms tightly around her and from the corner of your eye you see Jisung standing at the end of the hallway, witnessing the goodbye he run back down stairs. You saw the glossiness of his eyes and though you would love to leave as a happy memory, would he allow it?
You nervously make your way to the drawing room, there he sits in a black suit, his hair neatly styled yet it looks not much different to everyday. He should not look this good but he does because he is the epitome of beauty. He is beauty personified. You let out a deep breath before you step into his line of view, preparing yourself for whatever is to come next. “Jisung” you call softly but he refuses to look up at you, you can hear him sniffle and his breathing is heavy and you almost could trick yourself into believing he loved you the way you loved him. You sit beside him and take his hand in yours, rubbing small soothing circles by the knuckle of his thumb you attempt to speak, “I am leaving” you choke out,the words are stuck in your throat and he rips his hands away from yours, turning completely with his back towards you. You sigh once again, “Let’s me leave with good memory” you beg, voice small and shaky. This was not the y/n Jisung first met, not the y/n he knows now and definitely not the y/n he fell in love with for you were never one to speak so quietly, yet here you are broken. So he puts away his own selfishness to feel sadness, anger or whatever pulsing emotion that runs course throughout his body.
He turns back to you, eyes glossy and a pout on his lips as he raises a long string of black silk. “I cannot tie it” his voice breaks slightly and you can’t help but smile at his cuteness. You take the silk from his hand and wrap it against his neck, slowly weaving it in and out of itself, you form a knot. “Learn this from a book?” he teases and you can’t help but scoff and roll your eyes. Falling back to where you were with Jisung was never hard, falling in love with him all over again was never hard. “my father taught me” you say as you pull the silk slightly causing his head to jolt forward. A smile perks at his lips as he lets out air from his nose as a form of laughter and you don't realise the lack of space between you two until you feel it brush against your skin and you near closer, eyes drawn to his lips. Your breathing stops and your heart sporadically jumps around in your chest, beating louder than ever.
Jisung’s eyes are closed as he waits for your lips to be placed upon his but they never come and his eyes jump open at the sound of Jaemin���s voice, your warmth escaping him. So close and yet so far, his eyes land on you who’s now moved as far as possible from him. “Y/N, do you know how to tie a tie?” he walks in looking down at the balck silk he holds around his neck but he cuts himself off as his eyes rise to find you and Jisung awkwardly sitting beside each other. “Oh am I interrupting?” he asks in a chuckle as he raises an eyebrow and you shoot up onto your feet, making your way towards him “No not at all” you wave your arms as if it would convince Jaemin. You grab onto both ends of the silk strand, repeating the same movements as earlier and looking down at the silk you can practically feel Jaemin’s smile that beams from above. You weave the string in and out of itself and pull tight around his neck causing Jaemin’s head to pull back “OW '' he huffs out in a pout, you pat down his tie and with a smile as gleaming as his was a mere moments ago, you apologise.
“Oh y/n you know how to tie a tie, thank god” Jeno rushes in with his father soon after him both holding the same black silk around their neck “Does nobody in this house know how to tie a tie” you laugh in disbelief. “Our mother used to do them,” Jeno whispers as your hands make their way up to form the same knot you’ve made twice already. He thanks you silently with a sweet smile, those crescent moons you adore showing up.You move on to their father, tying his tie neatly and much more carefully than the rest. “Thank you for everything, y/n” he bows his head to you and you whisper “It’s nothing” shyly. “It’s been a pleasure having you become a part of our family” he continues and his words are like a stake to your heart, the same aching reappearing as nothing fails to remind you of your departure.
“Thank you for welcoming me bu-t'' you're cut off instantly
“no buts y/n, you are family” Jeno interrupts and if it was anyone else you don’t think those words would have held such meaning for Jeno is a silent lover, showing his affection through sweet smiles, concerned looks and kind gestures; he was never one for words of affirmation. So you smile, ignoring the tears that prick at your eyes, ignoring the deep breaths that leave Jisung and the solemn sadness on Jaemin’s face.
“We need to go” Jaemin looks down at his pocket watch, as always sensing the tension in the room and ready to dissipate it, he urges everyone out the door and as you’re about to step out, a warmth engulfs you as Jisung catches your hand in his. Turning back you are met with a smile but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes that hold a sense of sadness as they glimmer in the setting sun.
Hours after the sun had sunk into the horizon, the moon well into its reign, music rang through the center of town as everyone gathered to celebrate the new chapter of Jeno’s life. A ceremony so beautiful, you were sure you witnessed true love when Jeno’s eyes set on his bride that walked the altar.
After all the tears, it was finally time for the bubbling of champagne to intoxicate your bloodstream and to allow the music to take control of every swayed movement of your body. Standing under the yellow dimmed lights, Jisung glew a gold you didn’t know existed but easily was the prettiest you had ever seen. His cheekbones high and lips painted pink, golden flute in hand and silk tie loosened you could easily say he was the prettiest here, outshining all. For Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty lived through him, simple acts such as greeting guests left you stunned. Eyes chasing every movement of his, from the way his hands moved as he spoke, to the way he smiled once seeing an old friend, the way he laughed softly in conversation and when his eyes travelled back to you when he thought you weren't looking.
And to pull you out of that trance was none other than Jaemin, “Would you and Jisung stop exchanging lover eyes and dance already” he whispers as he places himself beside you, you scoff at his words and slightly nudge him with your elbow.
“Are you so bored that your eyes follow mine?” you question and his simple and instant “Yes” make your eyes roll as far as possible but you can’t help but smile. “When will you find your own love story? This is one hopeless”
“So when were you planning to tell me you were leaving after tonight” his words don’t come as a surprise, nothing goes past Jaemin but it still doesn’t fail to make your every movement halt as guilt overtakes you, turning to him you begin to explain “I was going to tell you as soon as the night was over, it was unexpected I promise” you say softly.
“I don’t suppose i can change your mind in any way?” he asks hopefully, still with the knowledge he wouldn’t be able to. You shake your head slowly, unable to say the words that will so obviously ruin the both of you but Jaemin is never one to sit in sadness, always being his priority to make you feel better.
“Would you allow me this first dance?” he bows down asking for your hand and with that you place yours in his, placing a soft kiss to the knuckles he pulls you into the center of the floor. Legs moving to the beat, Jaemin’s hand on your waist he guides you through the waltz, breaths heaving and smiles plastered on your face he bends down once more to place a kiss on your knuckles as the music dies down declaring the end of the dance, a sad smile spreads across his face and he whispers “Goodbye” against your skin, looking up to meet your eyes who hold nothing but despair. Yet the hardest is to come when you turn and automatically your eyes find Jisungs, who just happened to be looking your way.
You offer him a smile before heading towards him “And why are you not dancing, I’m sure plenty of girls are just about dying to be your first dance” you tease him and he laughs along with you, hands rising they scratch the back of his neck as he prepares to confess to you “I actually do not know how to dance” he spits out fast hoping you don't catch his words but you do. Eyes widening and mouth agape, you let out a gasp
“Jisung you do not know how to-” you're cut off by his hand on your mouth as he looks around to see if anyone has heard the sentence about to leave you.
“Quietly, I think the whole of London can hear you” he says in a whisper still looking around. Removing his hand, you roll your eyes at his antics.
“Let me teach you” you whisper back and he turns to you, eyebrow raised as he assesses how good of a dancer you could be.
“I am not entirely sure, who did you learn from? A book?” he teases, still completely in character until you shove him and his laughter comes spilling out “You used the joke once already” you roll your eyes
“I was taught by trainers actually, do you forget I was to be wed” you scoff at his assumption and rise to your feet, hand extended for Jisung to take. He stares at you, watches the way the light bounces off your skin causing you to glow, your eyes glimmer, smile bright and the confidence and charm you carry in inexplicably attractive as you stand under the moon, offering to be Jisung’s first dance and it’s here he decides you’ll be his last.
The moment his hand is in yours, you drag him straight to the crowd, the music is quick to start and you waste no time in giving out instructions. “Place your hand on my waist” you order
“Your what?” Jisung’s eyes are wide as he cluelessly asks
“My waist” you repeat again, emphasizing each word and you drag his hand up and place it on your waist for yourself. Then putting your own hand on his shoulder, you pull him a little closer. “Just follow my lead” you reassure him as you witness the petrified look on his face.
“Left foot forward” you say to him as you move yours back, “Right foot forward, feet together” you continue to guide him through the dance as you spin around the room, ‘Now left foot back, right foot back, now feet together” you repeat the sequined dance around the room, music thumping through your body and you convince yourself it’s that you feel and not the heavy beats of your heart as the space between you and Jisung seems to close more and more. As he leans in so close you can feel the air that leaves him, fanning over you. You look up and his eyes are set on you, only adoration is held in them and Jisung thinks it’s now or never as he tries to fully close the gap between you two, to place his lips on yours but then you let go, head turning to the right “Now we switch you” you say as you land into another man's arms, repeating the same steps you did with Jisung moments ago with another. So close and yet so far is all Jisung can think whilst his eyes watch you twirl about the room.
Once finally back in his arms, the music seizes and he’s forced to remove himself from you. You can’t help but smile at him as he looks down at you, breathing heavily with a flush of pink to his cheeks yet he seems to be gleaming in the buzzing sensation of a waltz. The air is heavy with sweat and alcohol, the room is filled with chatter and loud laughs but that all falls away once you look at Jisung. So you dance to every song as if you were the only two people to exist, for this was your last night and this was your last dance.
Endless glasses of champagne later your dancing feet carry you outside, the cool summer nights air washes over you, clearing your mind of the foggy mist of alcohol yet the coolness of the moonlight is overwhelmed by the warmth of Jisung’s presence as he stumbles next to you, tripping over his own legs he lands in your arms. “I think you drank a little too much” you laugh down at him.
“No I am perfectly fine” He quickly stabilizes himself, straightening out his clothes and you can only smile as he shakes off your support. “If you say so” you turn to the night sky, looking up to the moon who you haven't had the courage to face since. The wind rushing past you, crickets croaking and the stars blazing across the sky, your legs about to give way as the alcohol circulates your body, you find purchase on a stone bridge, Jisung following soon after you. The water trickles down under you, the calming sound washes over you and the solace you so missed seems to make an appearance once again as you allow yourself to surrender to Jisung’s presence. Silence sits between the two of you but it’s not the one you wish to fill, insead you choose to let it engulf you not wanting words to taint this moment. Your last moment.
Jisung however doesn’t think he can hold it in anymore, the liquid courage is just about enough for him to declare his roaring love for you, a flame that won’t go out no matter how far he pushes the idea of you away. He wasn’t sure if this was love but the ache in his chest all these days proved it could be nothing but love. The longing to be by your side as you found happiness, found your own way into this world and to watch you become who you want, is unbearably strong. This is his only chance before the goddess of the moon takes you away with her, for when the sun rises, you'll set into nothing but a memory. So here Jisung turns to you, staring at your beautifully carved features, moonlight highlighting every perfection; deep breaths he calms his nerves. Adrenaline rushing through every nerve, he finally builds the courage and out the words he never knew would feel so good to pronounce “Y/N I love you” it comes out in a whisper but by the way your eyes widen, breathing halts, Jisung knows you’ve heard.
“Jisung you are drunk” you laugh off
“Drunk lies are sober truths” he says in all seriousness, his eyes are begging for yours to turn to him and so you give in to their silent cry. “I’ve loved you from the moment I met you, for I thought soulmates were nothing but a fairytale until mine spoke to me upon laying eyes on you. I denied my feelings towards you, for I didn’t know if it was love I felt for you or not but I do. Love, adoration, affection and warmth. The moon only looks beautiful with you under it, the sun only shines with you beside me.” he professes and the sincerity in his voice strucks you, for every fiber of your being longs for these exact words but can you believe him?
He inches closer, his scent and warmth trapping you in a trance and you can’t find it in yourself to back away as he moves towards your lips, his breath mixing with your own, the flush off his cheeks that are illuminated by the moonlight. Everything is perfect except he’s drunk. Though your heart screams for you to close the gap, place your lips on his and kiss him until he’s breathless, your head scream the opposite, move back, wait till the morning when his head is in the right place, don’t allow him to make a mistake that’ll hurt you and when were you ever one to not listen to your mind. “You are drunk” you whisper to him, so close he can almost feel your lips move against his, flinching back, ignoring the cry of your heart that desires nothing more than to feel Jisung’s confession. Jisung’s eyes open to find you pulled away, for once again he was so close yet so far.
“We should return” you jump up, step fastening back to the crowds of people who were still dancing and laughing. Jisung’s hurried footsteps rush beside you, his hand holding onto your wrist, he pulls you into him. Arms wrapping around you so tight, he’s afraid you’ll pull away and that he’ll lose you. You already pulled away from him once, you’re not sure you have the power in you to do it a second; so you let him hold you. His face hidden into the crook of your neck, he speaks into your skin
“Love for you fades the exhausting hours till Kingdom come, for even then my soul only speaks of you, my heart only beats for you. Let me love and let me give, for both are infinite” he confesses once again.
Your arms instantly wrap around his figure, you allow your love to course through your body to his, you hope he can feel your heartbeat, the steady pace that keeps you alive for his existence, and him only. For without him what was the purpose of living? You stand there under the moonlight, red strings wrapped around you, Eros’s arrow shot through you, and hold onto each other.
Walking back, hand in hand, smiling like fools. The air smells sweeter, the world seems brighter as your heart skips a beat every now and then “In all honesty” Jisung breaks the blissful silence, his voice deep and smooth and it sends shivers down and through you just as it did the first day. Once your eyes are on him, giving him your undivided attention he continues “I lacked the courage to gift you Sonnet 23 but I wanted to” he tells you “Promise” he makes sure you believe his words and you can’t help but smile.
“You still lack courage, this is the alcohol’s courage” you tease him, swinging your arms back and forth as you walk on. He giggles at your comment because he knows it’s true, if it wasn’t for the liquid courage he doesn’t think he would have been able to confess to you but he’s glad he has because if he hadn’t, would he ever get the chance to?
“So will you stay?” he asks, voice hopeful and eyes pleading as he pouts, in hope it would convince you but you didn’t need anymore convincing, for if you want to follow happiness and happiness just so happens to follow Jisung, who were you to seek for more elsewhere. “Perhaps” a smirk makes it way up your lips as you give him vague answers. “I will take that as a yes” he laughs out, holding onto your hand a little bit tighter, to ensure you really weren’t going anywhere.
Love is a complex feeling, one that causes an unbearable amount of pain; as if your chest had been slit open, heart pulled out and crushed. An aching pain resonates throughout your whole body, endless tears and you don’t think you can live to see another sunrise yet it’s euphoric in every way. From the tingling sensation at just the sight of your love, the shivers, the heat that takes over, the trance you left in as their words hypnotise you, the warmth of their presence and sweet scent. In Jisung you found peace,solace,serenity and love.
“Jaemin” Jisung calls out as he can just about make him out in the distance “Y/N said she has decided to stay” he shouts out like a child, excited he’s jumping up and down and you find yourself smiling and laughing again, for with Jisung it’s the only thing you seem to be able to do. Yet as you draw closer to Jaemin and the guests he happens to be wishing a farewell too, your smile and heart both drop.
“Y/N” one of the two men calls out as your figure becomes more apparent to them, disbelief held in their voice as they call out to you. Jisung and Jaemin eyebrows shot up in shock, eyes widening as they wonder how you are acquainted.
“How do you know our y/n?” Jaemin asks, always being the first one to dissolve the awkward silences, the men are taken aback clearly by the way their jaws hang slightly.
“She is our sister” the taller stutters out, your blood rushes cold as the words leave his lips, what would happen now? Would they allow you to just roam free? You thought for a second before you mentally scolded yourself, they would never allow that. They will force you back. “I am not returning” you spit out, not beating around the bush, you get straight to the point.
“But you must, mother is left worried" he tries to grab onto your wrist but you move back not allowing him to get a hold on you.
"Worried for me? Or that the season is almost finished?" You question him and guilt is evident in his eyes as your question takes him aback.
"Don't be silly" your younger brother tries to calm you, "we just want you home" he tries to convince you.
"I am perfectly fine on my own" you stand your ground even though you see the frustration in your older brother, creep closer and closer to the surface "I have no intention of returning" you continue to press forward.
"Do you not feel shame, what would father have to say?" He dares ask. Shame? The word linger in your head for you to wonder if your brother truly knows the definition of the word or were all those years at Oxford a waste. For how had this brought shame upon you or your father, how does a want for purpose,happiness and freedom lead to shame?
"For if father was alive, this problem wouldn't have occurred. He would have listened" you hissed, jaw tight as you teeth clenched and the words slipped out through the small cracks.
"How naive of you to think'' he laughs and finally latches onto your wrist, holding tightly he's prepared to drag you to the carriage until another holds you back. Jisung’s hand holds onto your arm, pulling you back, looking back you don’t think you have never seen such fierce eyes. A red you never thought you’d see engulf Jisung, he’s not prepared to let you go. "Let go" your brother's voice is stern as he clenches his jaw yet Jisung doesn't budge.
"Jisung this isn't our place" Jaemin whispers, defeat in his voice and he is right. What say do they have in this? If you don’t even have a choice, who are they to decide but then again you are certain a man’s opinion will most definitely be heard by your brother over your own anyday. “Let go of her,” Jisung threatened.
Your brother couldn’t help but scoff at his words “She belongs to me, I am her blood and she holds mine and my father’s name” his grip tightening around your wrist as he pulls you towards him once more, your eyebrows furrow and you wince in slight pain, Jaemin instinctively flinches forward before stopping himself, getting involved will just make it worse he reminds himself. You smile at him weakly in hopes it can put him at ease but as both your arms are being held hostage, both cuffs tightening as the seconds go by not one daring to back down.
“She doesn’t belong to anyone” Jisung spits back “She is free to do as she pleases and she chooses to stay here” he continuously argues in hope of changing his mind , yet what can he possibly do? Now that they have found you, what is left for you to do? They will not let you live on how you wish, they will not leave without you and even if they didn’t take you tonight, they will come back for you. It’ll only cause chaos, you will again become a burden on someone else. “You do not own her” he repeats.
The words you so despise form on your tongue and as you open your mouth to say them, Jisung’s eye beg you not to. He knows what's to come and even as every ounce of your being screams and cries as the words are spoken, you let them leave you regardless. “Let go Jisung” voice weak, shaking.
“But you said you would stay” his voice shaky, encased in sadness, his grip weakens but his hold stays, unable to let you go once he’s finally got you but you were always a dream to him, one that never seemed quite real and though you mixed with reality, almost coming true, he was but a fool to believe you could be his.
“I said maybe” your voice quiet, breaking a promise you didn’t make, breaking his heart and breaking yours that was just put back together.
“She said for you to let go” Your brother interrupts, a smirk on his face that Jaemin has a dying need to punch off but he retains himself. Jisung lets go of you hesitantly, his hand still lingering onto the skin of your forearm and you take in his touch one last time. He watches you leave, tears falling from his eyes for you were so close yet so far.
The tears from that night, months ago, have yet still to dry for every living and breathing moment is lived in agony, longing turning into nothing but numbness as it engulfed your being and became you. Days and nights merged, smiles are a forgotten act for it felt awkward even attempting. The large manor is silent, it perfectly resembles the void in your chest. You live as a ghost, sleepless nights and empty days your mind always occupied with the thought of Jisung.
His eyes that held the universe, his warmth the sun envied, his smile were solace was found, his laughter that was contagious, voice that was soothing, beauty unmatched, the gods were both proud and envious of their greatest creation. The years went by and yet the image of his is as clear as ever, preserved in your memories, you live on in your dreams that can’t escape reality. So close and yet so far from each other.
You sit in the empty rooms, walls bare for the art never compared to Jisung’s beauty, you never found art that could express the definition of art as well as Jisung did. Each time looking at Jisung you found a new feature to adore, hidden beauties that appeared when the moonlight hit his skin, features highlighted by the golden rays of the sun. No art seemed to do that, no art seemed worthy of showcasing.
Your library remains empty, clearing it out of all books, you couldn't bear to look at one again. For everyone of them taunted you with the memory of him. The way he used to sit in the center of the room, arms sprawled out on the desk, his head so close to the paper as he would write. Your eyes would follow every one of his movements, so distracted you would forget about the heavy book in your hand. Yet now with a book in hand, your eyes search for distraction. Yearning to find him, to make the pink blush, that you so missed, appear as he couldn't take your stare any longer. The adrenaline of when his eyes suddenly come up to meet yours, the scrambling of his when you catched his stare. You missed it all.
“Shall I compare thee to a summer's day” the performer begins, as you sit around the large table for dinner. Your every movement halts as the words leave his mouth, your mind runs back to the lavender fields, into the small room at the back of the house, finding the scarlet red book. “Thou art more lovely and more temperate” he continues on but no you are not temperate. Your heart aches, your eyes sting and a wave of nausea over takes you. Your fist smash into the table, legs standing up, you push the heavy velvet chair back
“Stop!” you shout, voice hoarse and broken, you can’t help the tears that roll down your cheek. You can’t help the way your whole body shakes upon hearing those words, you can’t help but miss him. The whole room stares at you, a heavy silence settles, the only sounds are your whimpers as you sob in your palms, falling to your knees. Their eyes lingered, terrified. No one dared to speak to you first, let alone the events of the night. Afraid they would cause you to break down once more but they failed to see it was they, who stole happiness away from you, stole freedom and ripped your heart out of your chest. You wandered aimlessly through the many halls, staring out of windows you wanted the sun rise and fall, watched the goddess of the moon shine down on the earth yet neither held the beauty they did when Jisung was by your side.
Summer has come to find you once again, those who say time heals have never been broken. Time doesn’t heal. Time forgets, the world may move on but you do not, you cannot share the same ecstasy the birds sing, the happiness in summer flowers, For now you hate flowers, you hate how their beauty and meaning are only reminders of your longing.
“How about lavenders for the drawing room ma’am, I’m told they are your favourite” the maid asks, her mission to make you smile, to rid you of the constant tear stained cheeks; nothing but a failure is awaiting her. Just the mere thought of lavenders causes your skin to crawl, for nothing symbolises him more than the vibrant violet. Yet you turn to her, a weak smile and you nod because maybe the scent will help ease your heart and just maybe you’ll find serenity in them once more.
Though days were long, summer left in a hurry for now autumn was here once more. The leaves had already begun to brown and the vase filled with lavenders, which sat upon the grand piano, had wilted now - their scent and comfort decaying with them.
And soon followed the day, the world knew would soon be coming, had arrived upon us, September 1st 1939:
“we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.” you read Winston Churchill’s words in the papers, war has arrived. The heavy ring sits on your finger as you stare out the window reminiscing the day you were watching the carriage be prepared and though it is your two brothers and the Earl’s son leaving you can’t help but let your mind imagine Jeno,Jaemin and Jisung, For the war will take them further away from you, to barren land filled with death, guns pointed at them, bombs dropping at anytime. Though the war has imprisoned many,taken from others, you thank it’s timing for it has liberated you momentarily. The Earl’s son waved goodbye to you and though you raise your hand to send him off to a war you’re not sure he’ll return from, you have no intention of calling him your fiance whilst he is gone and if he returns you have no intention of calling him your husband. You pity him in that memory.
“Ma’am” a voice calls out to you, you don’t recognise who it is for every voice sounds the same but regardless it pulls you back to the world of the present for the war was already well into its sixth year. Though your body is here, your heart and soul never left Jisung for he had stolen that long ago. You turn to find a small envelope, blue like the ones that found you happiness. “To y/n'' the handwriting is familiar but to you all letters were painted the way Jisung’s hand did, for your eyes can simply not forget but it is what the letter contained that brought a soul into your lifeless shell.
As an unperfect actor on the stage
Who with his fear is put beside his part,
Sonnet 23 with annotations is what your eyes fall upon, the second line underlined it reads: “With great courage I put aside this fear to confess to you such words that I cannot express on my own.” Your hand runs over the lines, the smell of gunpowder but there is a scent that you so long for. The scent of lavender still lingers onto the parchment which ripples under your clutch. .
Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage,
Whose strength’s abundance weakens his own heart;
The next lines highlighted “For this feeling was just as strong as rage yet it was where I found peace, my heart weakened at the sight of you and from that moment onwards it belonged to you.” A smile naturally took over you, the flutter in your chest an ecstatic feeling you forgot.
So I for fear of trust forget to say
The perfect ceremony of love’s rite,
And in mine own love’s strength seem to decay,
O’ercharged with burden of mine own love’s might.
O, let my books be then the eloquence
And dumb presagers of my speaking breast,
Who plead for love and look for recompense
More than that tongue that more hath more expressed.
O, learn to read what silent love hath writ.
To hear with eyes belongs to love’s fine wit.
“Know that I cannot express the words my soul speaks, for we are worlds apart so allow the empty words of the English language, attempt to convey my love. Look not at my words only but at the way the fool I make in your presence for my mind is clouded with you, heart beats for you and soul yearns for you. For you are my sonnet 18 as a friend and sonnet 23 as a lover.” Tears fall unnoticed, for you hear his voice so clear in your head, for six years you waited for a single word from him and here he has gifted you a sonnet between lovers, so how could you possibly love someone else.
“Yours forever Jisung, the boy who waits in the lavender field”. You sob as you read those words, a fresh new wave of tears staining the parchment as the longing to be in his warmth and comfort is washed upon you as if it were that day you were forced away from him. Opening a wound that never could fully heal.
Waiting is a virtue of love, it proves your love, for it feels equivalent to death and yet you still wait but there is a point in time where you can wait no longer, where you must stop waiting and strive for love now. At this exact moment, it is time. For you are ready to give up the world to run to Jisung, to find the beauty in the moon once more, to find solace in the sweet smell of lavenders once more, to find the warmth of the sun once more, to find happiness once more. For happiness was the only reason worth living.
You're not sure how long you’ve been running, legs moving on their own, you don’t look back you’ve learnt never to look back, never return. As the metallic taste at the back of your throat rises, oxygen running thin and your legs almost collapse from exhaustion. It’s as if you jumped out of the past, gown torn at the train station, you’re left in rags but it’s different this time. For before you ran to find your happiness and now you run to where happiness lies. In a field of lavenders.
Every fiber of your being pulses with the need to see him, hear him, touch him. To feel his warmth once more, to have his voice send serenity through you, to see his eyes again and to smell the sweet scent that lingers around him. You’re not sure what souls are made of but whatever it is yours and his are the same. For your heart yearns for him, desperate, it aches every living second of everyday without him. For a life without love, is a life unlived.
The rows and rows of purple are in sight and there in the middle of it all stands him, waiting. Jisung doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is, he can tell by your footsteps, your breath, your scent and the sudden ease he feels. You are there. Yet he does anyways for the memory of you has haunted him for the past 6 years, on the battlefield, in the barracks, he would only see you, only hear you but he couldn’t touch you; for you were merely a dream mixing with reality.
But here you are standing in front of him, Your expensive dress torn up, now rags that wrapped around you with the bottom half missing. He smiles as nostalgia washes over him, was this real or were you just a fragmented memory. Was he simply remembering happier times, a time where you were in his grasp. “Jisung” you call out, voice soft and unsure, a hand reaching out for his own, to make sure what you saw in front of you wasn’t a hallucination, a cruel trick your mind played on you. Slowly a warmth overtook your hand, sparks sent through your skin and into your bloodstream and the beating of your heart returned. Tears formed but never fell because one of you needs to be strong, Jisung sobbed as he fell into your embrace, gripping onto you. “Never leave again” he chokes out, breathing heavy and uneven. “Promise me” he whispers into your hair.
Pulling him back to face you, his eyes are red and puffy yet they burn with passion, his cheeks stained with tears but the pink dust is always still there, you smile at him closing the gap and finally placing your lips on his. The taste of salty tears invade your mouth and your lips move against his and he kisses you back, placing his hand on your cheek he pulls you closer, thumb brushing over the top of your cheekbone. Your knees weaken and you grip at his shirt, desperately clinging to him as your knuckles turn white, as he kisses you with passion overflowing with each soft movement, sincere and full of the love he can't express through words. The scent of lavender is overwhelming and intoxicating, you press yourself against him. Your lungs burn as he kisses you breathless, sparks flying into your bloodstream and unbearable heat takes over whilst your lips move as one. Pulling away, chests heaving as you pull in as you regain all the oxygen you exchange, Jisung places his forehead on yours, his cheeks pink and in between breaths you whisper against his lips “I promise” and again he pulls you in, lips crashing on yours.
This is your first love, it may not be your last but it will be the one you remember most, for it taught you how to love, it taught you the struggles of love and it taught you to feel loved. In search of fulfillment and meaning, you weren't looking for love but it found you and soon after fulfillment and meaning came in the form of a boy in a lavender field.
© (jisungiest) 2021. All Rights Reserved.
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