#empathy is the most importance reason as to why you would want to have sex with him

[cornerfortherats]

And again, you did go far beyond our expectations. Thank you for putting so much thought into presenting your point. The way you went about it was very enjoyable to read through.

Bruno Bucciarati: The Perfect Dominant

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to get dommed by Bruno Bucciarati?

Whether you’ve thought about it or not, take a moment to picture it.

Bruno is:

Confident.

Authoritative.

Assertive.

Empathetic.

…Isn’t it perfect?

It makes sense a leader like Bruno would naturally gravitate toward a more dominant role. Not to mention, his career has given him plenty of practice.

But it gets better. Bruno isn’t just someone who can play the part—he’s uniquely equipped with talents that make him second to none at bedroom dominance.

Keep reading for an in-depth analysis (with headcanons!) on why our beloved Zipper Daddy would be the dom of your dreams!

(If it wasn’t clear already—this is definitely 18+)

Bruno: The Sadistic Side

Before diving in, let’s clarify: not every dom is a sadist. However, I headcanon Bruno as one.

Even though this was (very much) not intended, Hirohiko Araki has made it clear that Bruno is quite capable of donning the mindset needed for this role.

Well, not only is Bruno “quite capable”—he’s a goddamn professional.

When interrogating Giorno, Bruno effortlessly adopts the role of a cold, ruthless interrogator. There’s a calculated cruelty in his actions as if he’s playing a game rather than conducting torture.

This isn’t surprising. Intimidation is part of his job, and years of experience have made Bruno exceptionally skilled at it.

In the bedroom, that sadistic edge translates to Bruno reveling in his partner’s reactions. He thrives on his partner’s surrender, growing more intoxicated as his dominance intensifies. (He may even make his partner call him by his last name as a way to “respect” his authority.) Bruno’s self-restraint would quickly slip away, no doubt this making lasting a challenging task for him.

The Human Lie Detector

Bruno Bucciarati is no ordinary dom. His unique skill set makes him exceptional— nobody possesses a toolkit quite like his.

No, I don’t mean “toolkit” like that—(heh.)

I’m talking about the range of enthralling tricks he has up his sleeve!

The self-proclaimed human lie detector can discern a liar using multiple methods, one such being his keen ability to read body language.

It’s clear he’s fluent in non-verbal communication—In the interrogation scene with Giorno, Bruno knew Giorno was lying before resorting to more… unconventional methods. After all, would he have placed Luca’s eye into an innocent person’s hand? (Which of course happened before Bruno licked him.)

And speaking of unconventional methods—yes, we have to talk about the sweat thing. ;)

Bruno’s ability to detect lies by taste is, let’s say, niche. The fact that he so casually licked Giorno implies it’s not his first time using this technique.

Maybe I’m a freak, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the thought of Bruno dragging his tongue against my skin by really fucking hot. (I know I’m not the only person who feels this way—after all, you chose to read this…) Hoo boy—especially when you remember that your face isn’t the only body part that sweats.

(And according to MatPat, your face isn’t even the best part of your body to sample stress sweat from—It’s, uh… in other places. 😉)

Endowed with a sharp mind, Bruno has no trouble finding kinky uses for his lie detection, and because he’s skilled at torture, he knows just how to discipline a filthy liar. ;)

Here’s an excerpt from a drabble I wrote imagining how this scenario might go down:

He chuckles softly again and fixes his gaze on you, akin to that of a hungry predator. "Perfect," he purrs. "And of course, there'll be consequences if you're anything less than entirely truthful."

You feel your cheeks growing warm. "What kind of consequences?"

"I haven't decided yet," he wickedly smiles, the dancing spark in his eyes having ignited into a blazing flame. "It'll depend on the severity of your lie." 

A surge of adrenaline floods your veins, quickening your heartbeat. The bed shifts slightly as Bruno leans in dizzyingly close, stopping when his face is but an inch from yours.

"How does that make you feel?" he teases, his voice lowering to a seductive murmur. His warm breath kisses your skin. "Does this excite you?"

(read the full drabble here)

Kinky Fingers: The Ultimate Dom Tool

No discussion of Bruno’s dom potential is complete without addressing the elephant in the room:

That’s right! It’s his stand, 「Sticky Fingers.」

…Are you aware of how fucking much you can do with this stand ability? (Or how much fucking you can do!! ahahaha!!!… I’ll see myself out…)

No, really—I cannot emphasize enough how large the bedroom the potential is on this one. His stand opens up an entirely new realm of possibilities.

As you know, Sticky Fingers creates zippers on any surface it touches, allowing Bruno to attach, detach, and reconfigure objects (and people). We’ve already seen him use it to “restrain” Mario Zucchero by unzipping his head from his body.

Now think about how this ability translates to bondage.

Who needs ropes or cuffs when you can create custom restraints with zippers? Whether it’s immobilizing you to a surface, hogtying you with a flick of his wrist, or inventing entirely new ways to keep you at his mercy—Bruno’s creativity is unmatched.

And it doesn’t stop there. Sticky Fingers—I mean, Kinky Fingers—opens the door to a genre of kink that only Bruno could offer: zipper play.

With absolute control over his stand, Bruno could tease, restrain, or overwhelm his partner in ways that are impossible for anyone else. Once those zippers appear, no one else can remove them—your submission would be entirely his.

And now, I am proud to present a list of many kinky uses for Sticky Fingers:

Wouldn’t it be crazy to have your head zipped off only for your mouth to be used as a fleshlight? (Can you even begin to imagine that?)

My personal favorite use would have to be how he can disassemble your entire body… and then do whatever the fuck he wants. ;)

Again, maybe I’m a freak—but it sounds hot!

(I’ve also written an entire one shot about this, so if you’re interested in it, here’s the link! It’s kind of long and jam-packed with lots of Kinky Fingers action.)

Empathy and Non-Verbal Communication

Bruno Bucciarati isn’t just a skilled dom—what truly sets him apart is his empathy and attentiveness to his partner.

Being a good dom isn’t just about playing the role or mastering techniques; it’s about understanding and prioritizing your partner’s needs.

A great dom has the emotional awareness to recognize what their partner wants and ensures the experience is enjoyable for both parties—because if it’s not fun for both, it’s not fun at all.

Empathy is central to Bruno’s character. It’s his greatest strength and, at times, his greatest vulnerability. Without it, he simply wouldn’t be Bruno.

This deep empathy is perfectly complemented by his ability to read non-verbal communication—another crucial skill for a dom. You can’t create a fulfilling experience without understanding what your partner feels, even when they don’t say it aloud.

As discussed earlier, Bruno’s “human lie detector” instincts rely on sharp observation, especially his talent for reading body language.

Imagine how this skill would translate to the bedroom. Bruno would pick up on every subtle cue—every shift, hesitation, or unspoken need. Whether it’s meeting his partner’s desire or teasing out their secrets, this man would masterfully ensure the experience is as intense as it is unforgettable.

As you know, Bruno Bucciarati isn’t just any dom. His empathy, authority, and one-of-a-kind abilities make him an unmatched partner in both leadership and intimacy. Whether it’s through his sharp intuition or the limitless potential of Sticky Fingers, Bruno’s dominance would leave you both exhilarated and utterly spent.

Zipper Daddy supremacy.

Thank you for reading. I hope that my sermon has enlightened you. 💕

P.S. Thank you to @moody-bloos for suggesting this! I know this wasn’t probably what you had in mind, but since I am so incredibly passionate about this topic I wanted to go above and beyond…

The only thing I like more than sub Bruno is dom Bruno.

[drbased]

I know this is one of those niche topics that *may or may not* be an actual issue on radblr but whatever. I just wanted to point this thing out:

This whole thing of 'straight/bi women worship dick and that's why they defend men' thing is just... false. Women in long-failed marriages with no interest in having sex will be the biggest defender of men you've ever seen. Defence of men as individuals and/or a class exist from people of all walks of life - and very, very rarely are these defences of men anything to do with dick. Even the bdsm defenders, the 'sex work' apologists - these women aren't really thinking about dick, about getting men off. Even the women who are actively thinking about how much they like dick are not defending men because of that. Even the women who you could most feasibly say are 'obsessed with dick' aka are 'hypersexual', we as feminists recognise to be self-harming through sex and thus are, once again, not specifically motivated by dick itself. Defence of men has much much more to do with the psychological comfort of the woman than anything else, just as all defences of the status quo are - she has a 'need', just as we all do, to believe that everything is just fine in society the way it is: that we're all just messy individuals who make mistakes, and that our behaviours as a class don't require any deeper examination.

What does happen, though - and whilst this may seem like a minor nitpick, it's a necessary one in order to deconstruct these patriarchal narratives - is that desire to sleep with men/desire to partner with men (which, I would like to point out, whilst having desiring sex as a typical pre-requisite, also stands on its own as something women will choose much more often than sex itself) is what leads to regular close proximity with men and subsequent lesser proximity to other woman. And regardless of what we as women want to believe about ourselves, patriarchal conditioning has us programmed to seek male approval, and we vastly increase our empathy towards men at the expense of women, ourselves included. Sex and romance are often if not entirely the catalysts to defence of men, but they're very, very rarely even the core motivator.

We know this, because men are perfectly capable of sleeping with women who they don't care about at all. To assume that women who are defending men are 'dick obsessed' means buying into narrative that women are uniquely emotionally tied to sex in a way that men aren't - that sex does something to our brains that it doesn't do to men. And whilst there is possibility that there's some truth to that - sexual intercourse especially provides a unique danger to a woman that it doesn't for men - any attempt to 'prove' this is massively outweighed by a body of feminist theory and evidence pointing towards socialisation as a huge contributing factor towards sexual behaviour and attitudes. And there is huge patriarchal motivation in claiming that women, who represent the base animalistic nature that tempts men away from civilsed humanity, naturally have an obsessive and self-destructive attitude towards dick - the primary organ that differentiates maleness from femaleness and therefore men have made into the the most important thing in the universe.

Men are obsessed with dick much more than any woman is - they're the ones who make all media sexual, they're the ones who downplay romance and friendship as reasons to interact with women, they're the ones drawing dicks in their own bathroom stalls, they're the ones watching women make another man's penis ejaculate in pornography. Freud infamously claimed that women are obsessed with dick because we don't have one - and frankly, it's the most logical next step in your ideological position when you're obsessed to the point of existential terror about the dick that you have. Men construct this symbolic narrative about some fundamental pseudo-spiritual power that the penis has in order to downplay the demonstrable material power of the female reproductive system, and then become obsessive over the narrative because it routinely fails to live up to reality. The worst men will fall deeper and deeper into this obsession, claiming that there must be something inherently evil about women, because their relationship with their own dick doesn't give them the internal sense of peace with the universe that symbolic narratives are sold to us as providing. Discomfort/cognitive dissonance is exactly what fuels all obsession, but unlike other forms of sunk cost fallacy this is a narrative that's built into our culture itself, leaving men in constant existential turmoil - they are continuously told they're important in an existentially anxious culture, and so do not have any alternate method to process the world.

Patriarchy lies to you. The thing about narratives, especially culturally-embedded ones, is that they're self-sustaining - they exist in their own psychological ecosystem, separate from material reality, closed off at all ends with thought-terminating cliches. The nature of lies is that they lack depth. The nature of symbolic thought is that its self-sustaining rhetoric gives it some sense of profundity. Our brains want to seek truth, but not too hard. We want, more than anything, to feel that symbolic sense that we have it all figured out in the face of a confusing universe. The fact that these symbolic narratives are completely divorced from reality is exactly what makes them so compelling. The nature of being 'divorced from reality' means that symbolic narratives do not follow the real-world model of cause and effect, and so are divorced from morality and empathy, and contain all manner of contradictions. The appeal of this is that the symbolic narrative speaks some inherent 'truth' that material reality cannot live up to. The fact that there are all these contradictions involved in believing such a concept gives it some sort of heady 'faux complexity' - as does all symbolic thought - that essentially fills in the gaps for real-world complexity, which is where that sense of profundity comes from. But profundity is just a feeling - a symbolic feeling.

This effect is increased tenfold when these are narratives presented to us by the dominant culture. We process the world through each other, and no matter how 'out there' your ideological/political position is, your brain is always going to want to find shortcuts back to the dominant narrative to bolster your own psychological comfort - to fall back on 'everybody thinks this' as fodder for your inescurity that what you personally believe might not meet some objective truth. These beliefs and feelings entirely exist within our own minds, and that is existentially terrifying to us. We want to believe that our beliefs exist outside of us - that we're not responsible for them, and as such there is some objective nature to 'truth' that exists outside of us. So the convoluted nature of symbolic thought is given another pillar to stand on - that these 'facts' feel true but cannot be fully explained adds to the sense that we are merely using our tiny fallible and finite minds to tap into sense sense of infinite objectivity that exists outside of us.

Patriarchy is the oldest and most widespread/embedded symbolic narrative throughout all of recorded human history. Even the most hardened feminist cannot be immune to it because it's how we're all raised to process reality itself. Deconstructing that entirely is essentially impossible. We all speak the language of patriarchy - not just literally, in the sense that we call women 'sluts' and 'whores' and use phrases like 'boys will be boys' - but also and more broadly/deeply in the sense that we speak in a language that has been constructed to perpetuate this symbolic construction of reality. When someone calls a woman a 'slut', they're literally speaking a word constructed by patriarchy, but they're also buying into its underlying meaning - they're believing that it's a concept that can and does exist. And the thing about language is that we all speak it even when we're not using the exact words. The phrase 'I'm not racist but' is the most classic example of this - people will use all sorts of linguistic work-arounds to communicate ideas that we all implicilty recognise regardless of ever needing to use the literal language. Anti-racist activists have worked hard to popularise the idea that racism is not about your literal, conscious choice of words to achieve a specific chosen effect, but rather a language we all speak - that we have been raised to speak and can't help but speak whether we want to think of ourselves as 'like that' or not. We want to believe that the 'correct' intention can somehow override our basic conditioning - and why wouldn't we? Because that same desire for lack of responsibility for our minds and selfhoods holds just as true in this case: whilst we may want to believe that truth is objective and separate from us, we also like the idea that we could tap into it at any time.

All of this is to say that regardless of whether the person saying them is inside radblr or is trolling from outside, I find it interesting that the terms defaulted to are 'dick worshipper', 'dick obsessed' etc. It speaks to our collective comprehension of this patriarchal language that we know immediately what that means. And the fact that we know what it means at all is dangerous. We all share that collective shorthand, we all process the world through these lies. And I like to stop and say, hold on second, not only is this a lie that can be summed up with 'sluts don't exist', but also deconstruct what it is that even makes it a lie in the first place.

[marvelandponder]

My sister's asexual, so we have a lot of conversations about what the difference is between a close friendship and a romantic relationship when sex isn't a factor in either of them. And there's really not much of a difference at all, or the difference is a lot smaller than someone would think? So it's absolutely fascinating to see the other side of that - this quasi-aromantic dynamic between Twilight and Sunset in Eros. What's the difference between Twilight and Sunset having a friendship where they have sex, and a romantic relationship? There's not much of a difference - the love is still there either way, the sex is still there, the friendship is still there.

I absolutely adore this ask in so many ways. First of all, love that sisterly support and fascinating discussions!!! I think you'll be pleased with chapter 2 on Friday is all I can say there.

Bevin is aroace, happily single by choice after several years of not knowing aro or ace were thingd you could be, and I'm bisexual and demiromantic, happily partnered currently with a guy I love (and in the past, had experiences of going from friends to partners). Needless to say, Bevin and I have had some interesting discussions about what romantic love even is if you're not someone who devalues friendship for the sake of romance being the Most Important Thing!

I don't want to spoil the two chapters ahead, so I'll just speak to what you've already read: Sunset and Twilight have just entered some super ambiguous territory. I love that you're already thinking this way because I could imagine many readers assuming that because they kissed, it's simple from here, right? They're a couple! They both know what that means - and could only ever mean one thing, right???

I felt like Twilight's lack of confidence in her friendship and romance abilities combined with Sunset's personal hangups around pursuing Twilight when she's vulnerable made for a way to introduce that ambiguity in while hopefully still staying in character.

This is the world where friendship is magic. So, what does that mean for romance? What happens when two friends basically enter into what some people might call a situationship? What's the difference between them as partners, them as best friends, and them in this undefined in-between space?

The thing with Eros is that even if a reader isn't caught up with Empathy for the Devil, they know the answer to will they?/won't they?

Clearly, in the first scene of the story, they will. That's not where the narrative tension comes from when we're reading in the past! These characters have questions -- that I think the story wants to let the reader ask themselves too -- and the reasons why Sunset and Twilight in particular are asking these questions are the focus.

All that to say: I love where you're head's at and am so stoked to see your reaction to chapters 2 and 3 as they come out! (Still going to respond in full to your chapter 1 comment! Just got busier over the weekend than expected haha)

[morallygreychaoticneutral]

Great analysis regarding the graveyard scene! I never understood why some people have problems believing his words here. He is very much the one to initiate everything, including the sex (which I think it's the best approach for him: let him take the lead when it comes to important matters like this related to the relationship). I think I get where people are coming from, but here in this case there is not any possible external pressure from anyone else like his partner, that could make him fall back into people-pleasing behavior. So there is no reason to worry!! IMHO that argument fits more the brothel thing with the twins because it's very much something the player initiates by dragging him back there anyway. There is no exclamation point over his head and doesn't ask Tav to go to brothels and have fun. It's not wrong to do it, he does consent but it has always surprised my when people are shocked he dissociated and that there is no option to talk to him afterwards or to stop it when they notice something is wrong. Why would there be? The game does want you to reflect back on what just happened: was it really okay to bring a victim of SA and forced prostitution to a brothel to have an orgy, just mere weeks/months into the relationship? Like, had this been real life I don't think most people would think it's a good idea.

I honestly think it's more of an empathy educed second guessing. Some players may be people pleasers and feel he is doing just that because that what they might do in that situation. Their experience colors the situation differently. As it does for all of us.

Their hearts are in the right place to want to be sure. And I totally get it. The request can come across as vague "I could be persuaded" can sound like, "Well, if you push hard enough" to someone who needs crystal clear verification. They would have liked to hear "I am ready to be intimate with you again." And that would have make them feel more secure in their choice.

And I really wanted to help them set that doubt aside.

For the game! As far as real life goes trust your instincts! If it's not a fk yeah in your field of comfort, it's a fk no.

I can't speak on if people are right or wrong for taking him back to the brothel. No blame, no shame, their game. And the lack of actual time pacing does make the game hard to track as far as where everything is in chronological time. But I would hope, that in real life, they are intuitive enough to know their partner wouldn't want that.

The brothel scene was very daja vu for me. I was SA victim. I say was because I am statements make me feel like I'm still that person. But iv evolved quite a bit since then. But that's a whole other convo. Anyway. I had the opportunity have a "group" experience. And I was interested. It was very much a "Oh, iv heard about this." And it was fine. Everybody was communicating and being super respectful, but at some point before the "penetrative" part of things started, I had checked out. Luckily my friend who was part of it caught it and removed me from the situation. I went from lots going on, to a couch in a quiet room. Everything in between blurred out. Which is why it is PARAMOUNT to be with those you trust in those first time situations. Anyway, it's not that it was a bad experience, it was just way too much for my nervous system. Lesson learned.

I am a very one on one elf. :)

[wheelin-after-midnight]

40.

What would you do if right now the love of your life walked in and asked you to marry him/her?

There are reasons I can't legally get married and my girlfriend is aware of why. So the most it would be is a commitment ceremony. I would say yes, but I would ask if she'd discussed it with Derek and whether our relationship is still to remain open post ceremony.

Do you trust your friends?

Yes.

Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?

I would if it were feasible and accommodations could be made. Neither of those things are true at this point in my life.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Absolutely not!

Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?

Gaslighting and emotional neglect. I've been through enough of it in my life that I'll never tolerate it from a partner too.

Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?

Idk. I can't picture either of my two close friends being doctors.

Are you afraid of falling in love?

There's always a fear of going through the bad things I've already gone through again, at the hands of someone different. But love is always a risk. Most things in life are. Being in love is pretty much letting a stranger into the deepest corners of your heart, handing them all the darkness, all the trauma, all the passion, every last little important piece of yourself. You're giving them the ammunition they need to utterly destroy you and trusting that they're of good enough character that they won't.

Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?

My Nan is on my mind pretty much every day since I've had to be without her.

Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?

I can't stand when people do this. My ride or dies were there before I got into any relationships and will be there long after the dissolution of any relationships. If my partner doesn't understand or respect the absolute preciousness and significance of each of my friendships, she ain't the one. Luckily, my girlfriend does and is. :)

When was the last time you flew in a plane?

2004.

What did the last text message you sent say?

"That's good"

What features do you find most attractive in your preferred sex?

Physically it's eyes, breasts and hair. Beyond physicality it's depth, understanding, gentleness, humor, empathy, passion, compassion.

Fill in the blank. I like _ .

My cat more than a lot of humans around me.

What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?

Get to a point where I don't pray for death every waking moment and for my brain to stop catastrophizing about the fallout of this move, even though I'm not optimistic about it in the least right now.

If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extensive time who would you call?

I doubt I'd be able to think clearly enough at first to articulate a desire to call anyone.

How many kids do you want to have?

I always wanted kids. At least one, but unfortunately I can't have children. :(

Would you make a good parent?

I would've been an awesome mum. I'm not confident in myself in a lot of other ways, but I've always known that. Deep down into my bones.

Where was/were your ID picture(s) taken?

The place I had to go get them done at that's required by the government.

What is your middle name?

I'm not sharing. I hate it.

Honestly, what's on your mind right now?

Too much. I'm filled with profound dread and sadness.

Shoe size?

11+

What are you wearing right now?

Vintage Whitney Houston t-shirt and zebra print leggings.

Righty or Lefty?

Righty.

Can you make a dollar in change right now?

Yeah.

Best place to eat?

Lately I've been wanting to go back to Kelsey's.

Favorite pair of jeans you own?

I own none. I got rid of them when I lost weight.

Favorite animal?

Horses, dogs, dolphins. My cat. I love all animals.

Favorite juice?

None.

Have you had the chicken pox?

Yes.

Have you had a sore throat?

Who hasn't?

Who knows you the best?

My Nan did. She's dead. Now I'd say it's babe.

Do you get along with your family?

Ehhh.

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?

Glasses. I suck at putting in contacts.

Ever been in a fight with your pet?

I have full on discussions and arguments with her, she's very vocal. We play wrestle and she likes to playfully bitch slap me. I don't know how else you'd "fight" with a pet, unless you're asking whether I abuse my animals, in which case that's just horrendously sick and I would never. She's my child and my best friend all at once.

Been to Mexico?

No.

Did you buy something today?

No.

Did you get sick today?

No.

Did you miss someone today?

Always.

Did you get in a fight with someone today?

No.

When is the last time you had a massage?

Nippy steps on my back and stomach and gives me them every night and every morning. :) she's a very good masseuse/biscuit maker.

Last person to lay in your bed?

It's just been me and Nip for a while.

Last person to see you cry?

No one. Just Nippy.

Who made you cry?

My mother.

What was the last TV show you watched?

Just some YouTube videos.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Idk. Hopefully we're not doing dinner. I don't plan on going.

Who do you think will repost this?

Maybe some of my followers. Idk.

Name of the person you got this from.

@alsjeblieft-zeg :)

Are you happy?

No. I'm basically the furthest I could be from happiness right now.

[limeade-l3sbian]

i’m not so much talking about whether you would like it or not, but rather: do you see yourself as a person who needs romantic companionship in your life eventually? obviously you won’t disintegrate without, but i’m talking needing as in for your psychological and physical well-being in the long run.

i’ve come to realize i cannot relate to this and people who aren’t able to go without being in a relationship are to me so strange, even though that honestly seems to be the norm. i don’t even want a romantic relationship. not to say i would be against falling in love and all that but i don’t dream of it and i certainly don’t crave it. i’m curious how you are in this regard? obviously i don’t know you, but you strike me a someone who functions well alone too.

i get that wanting romance is normal in theory but i don’t understand why.

there’s lots of other things i totally get the need for, but this and sex are two things that are on the same spectrum of inconsequential to me. that’s also why i’ll never be able to rightfully contribute to the celibate convo that’s been going on in radfem spaces in regards to heterosexual women, because even though i’m not asexual, i genuinely don’t get the big deal of living without romance and sex. people will say it’s unfair to ask that of anyone and i’ll think it probably IS for the average person, but to me it still seems totally unrelatable to not be able to live full lives without it. this isn’t a convo of to be or not to be celebate btw, i’m just adding it as an example of when this feeling of not needing romance has really shown it’s face in my life and hindered my, i guess, empathy? and that’s why i never join that convo bc i can see i’m the odd one out.

it’s honestly so embarrassing to an extent. i wish more people spoke of this but when i’ve tried to speak of it in some contexts elsewhere, i immediately get labeled all these different things like “aromantic” and “asexual” and i’m just not. i’m not against romance. it’s not that i can’t feel it. same with attraction and such. but it’s really easy to ignore for me, like no biggie. there’s so many other bigger more important emotions and experiences in my eyes. almost everyone wants romance and partnership but to me it just seems kinda tiring and risky. like why risk my peace for a thing that does in most cases end by breaking up for whatever reasons? it’s not me being scared of it but i don’t see the point of the effort i guess..

friendships i get and they are important to me. i don’t see them as replacements or anything for romance. i just value those more and i think they seem more genuine to me? i’m not in a situation where i couldn’t find safe partners bc i am bisexual with mainly attraction to women but even then i still have no desperation for love like that. if it happens, that’s cool but i’ve come to realize that if i don’t actively seek it out it’s pretty easy to go through your life without any romantic relationships in peace. obviously the same maybe can’t be said for ultra attractive people but for mediocre folks like myself, life is pretty peaceful in that regard unless i actively tried to put myself out there which i won’t lol.

it’s not like i hate seeing romantic stuff. movies or books with romantic plots can be super cute and enjoyable for me but i don’t crave those things in my life even. when i see it. i don’t sigh after it. it’s like seeing a video of someone trying bungeejumping. it looks fun and cool but i wouldn’t go out of my way to seek the experience out because my life is fine without it.

am i totally alone in this feeling i wonder

I think in recent years there has been a weird push for romantic relationships and what the "best version" of them looks like. And, to be honest, your assumption is correct.

I think I cared in high school I got swept up in wanting to date because teenage romance seemed so romantic to me. But now, as an adult, I feel no intense need to be with someone. I'm not asexual and I'm not opposed to love or sex, like you said. I just...don't care? I just care about having people in my life who I care about and who care about me.

And with the asexual thing. In an increasingly hypersexual world, I think people are quick to "other" those of us who just don't really care. So if you don't crave love and need sex, you must be asexual. Which is...false, on a lot of levels.

To be honest, this whole reply could just be me restating, "Like you said" lmao. You and I have a pretty mutual feeling about the whole thing. I'm at peace with the state of my social life. I don't feel any pressure to be married or to date or whatever. When it happens, it happens, and I go for it. But when things don't work out? I mean, that's just life, I feel like.

[deadmegumi]

8, 10 + 2 if you're feeling heinous 😈 24 if ur not 😇

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

well MY special little noble is actually the most inherently just and pure of heart and when they win the throne there will be a thousand years of peace. Wdym inherent violence of feudalism that's not real. And while there has been a downtrend in this belief throughout the last five years it HAS influenced a lot of other discource subtly... most people have realized that the way to start fixing westeros's problems is not thru a nice feudal monarch, but they dont understand that abandoning this framework for character/plot analysis also means abandoning a lot of other framework. In the arya v sansa wars people still use feudal patriarchal definitions of femininity to decide who is the Best Sexy Feminist (preteen girl). In debates about morality for certain actions people excuse things because it aligns with the feudal code of ethics- a deeply flawed and violent code. See: ned HAD to take theon hostage because well we live in a society. Like i think it's important not to hold characters to the same moral standards that we hold people in modern times to, because their circumstances are so wildly different, but we dont have to adhere to THEIR feudal values when analyzing them because its only a detriment to their characters. They live in a society but WE do not... cmon guys...

10. Worst part of fanon

no one fucking draws these characters ugly enough. Asoiaf fandom has a plague of sameface ig model syndrome and it sucks cause george puts so much distinct personality even in minor characters and then people are like hmmmmm what if they had the same button nose and good chin that everyone else has. Brienne is ugly let her be ugly!!! Arya and jon have long plain faces u dont have to draw the teen/preteen kids as super defined and striking! Let the kids look like kids. I don't care how beautiful dany is let her be a 15 yr old. OR the instinct to make everyone best friends forever and soften the complicated dynamics btwn these characters. like modern aus where the starks are the benevolent rich people who adopted theon from his abusive trailer park family grind my gears like hes a child hostage from a powerful noble house and u cant erase such a defining part of his character bc you want everyone to be nice to each other. Also related to this is people making jaime nice/acting like asos was a redemption arc or that he didnt commit some uniquely horrific acts in agot/acok. His actions thru out the last two books are not the acts of a changed man they are the acts of a man who realized he can make choices based on empathy and reason not instinct. LAST thing which is something i dont reaaaaally see here much but i know the cunts on ao3 are doing it: the post canon thing where people want brienne and jaime to get married and have twelve kids. Fuck you eat shit and die brienne is not an incubator especially not for that lannister SLAG

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

cersei is not necessarily my fave but shes a character whose sexuality i often think of. In canon the only time she's had sex with a woman she's topped and every time she fucks a dude she's disassociating so hard shes on another planet. Even when fucking jaime shes like imagining herself in his body fucking him in her body. In the bulldyke cersei universe he's stone. The pants stay on during sex and so does the shirt and probably also the shoes. Cis gay guy cersei universe he already thinks being gay is emasculating enough so obviously he's not going to let anyone penetrate him. Transmasc bi universe its like you've never been strapped until you've been strapped by a dude who's never cum once in his whole life. THANK YOU!

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

"Daenerys is basically george bush because she uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well its a post 9/11 metaphor and uhhh well astapor is basically iraq and uhhhhh nuclear arms" "dany has never done anything wrong in her life and criticizing her means uhhhhh you hate women and abuse victims" "dany is a RAPIST and a RACIST and wants ALL BROWN PEOPLE TO BE SUBSERVIENT TO HER" "mirri maz duur deserved to die horribly for killing (checks notes) her enslaver" "dany is a colonizer (that's not what that word means. you need to look up what that word means)" brothers. Lets all link arms and kill ourselves

Jesus Christ this is long as hell. Sorry I got a lot of beef

[clippy]

okay this is just gonna be a bunch of rambling so feel free to ignore this cuz it's mostly just me kinda venting and Processing feelings abt being objecto into the void

like okay. i am in a spot where i think i have a very complex relationship w my objecto-ness because of how it is currently manifesting itself in regards to the Clockboy Crush

like in the past, my main crushes that i would consider like, important, and in recent enough memory that they still affect me today, were

Clippy (who is a fictional character; he is sentient in his source but, again, fictional, so he cannot reciprocate feelings)

and Miles (my old car; a real object, but one that I owned and therefore i could essentially project whatever relationship i wanted onto us. realistically, i know he couldnt reciprocate, as he was not sentient irl, but something about him made it seem like he did love me back in a way. it's very complex and hard to explain to literally anyone who doesnt have my brain)

in both of their cases, i would selfship with them, draw them, personify them in certain ways, and have gijinkas of them

i think some extra context that is important is that the relationship i had with Miles is VERY different than the one i have w my current car, Lawrence, who has different vibes to me. like i genuinely get the feeling he only just. tolerates me. lmfao. he is so sexy to me but like, we do not gel like how me and miles did. (which again, is a weird thing to think about and kinda disproves the "oh objectos only want to be with objects because they cant reject them!" mindset in my case like bro why would i "headcanon" my car as not thinking im a sex god he's madly in love with)

anyway this is where the clockboy stuff gets. complex. like. OBVIOUSLY. i have a huge crush on him. i selfship w his objecthead design, and that does extend to his irl version to an extent. obviously, again, i realistically know irl he cannot reciprocate the feelings i have toward him

however... similar to miles, i do get a Vibe from him. there's been some coincidences that seem so specific that it's like. hard to shake that it's not something deeper... and again, i know deep down it's all in my head but at the same time... my hyper empathy toward inanimate objects has always made me instinctively think that most objects have *some* sort of soul.

it's all so complicated and confusing and hard to explain and it's two sides of my brain fighting each other at all times over this. i dont think either side is fully right.

and what sucks is like, when it's about Miles, it's easy to keep to myself and on the down low in a way. i was the only person on earth who would have possibly loved him in that way.... but Clockboy falls into public object territory. while the odds are low that anyone else feels the exact same way toward him, it's not impossible

im not like... opposed to the idea of "sharing" a public object but it's a really complex thing to me. like for him specifically, however, it makes me uncomfortable and i dont... understand why. jealousy is probably the closest word to what i would feel but it doesnt seem entirely accurate.

ive been extremely fortunate to see him irl more lately, and have had a couple experiences that i cant fully disclose (for privacy reasons. nothing weird, i promise. like if i got to be any physically closer than any other guest to him, you would already know it by now. but, just know i have connections and dont want to jeopardize things for anyone lol). like i mentioned there's just been a vibe to him. like part of me does think it is something deeper. but then i question if it's something he would do for anyone else... it's so hard to know.

i'd like to think im special to him, somehow. if he can feel that way about people. he is special to ME, and i just wish i could tell him and have him know it. i would give almost anything to have like, 2 minutes of back and forth communication between us to make sure he knows that.

at the end of the day i know none of that really matters and i should do what makes me happy. like spending time near him is "enough" for me i guess. i know i will never get to be any closer to him than someone standing near him in the queue line. i can never have any form of intimacy with him, no form of privacy. i will never get to own him in a way that lets me be with him everyday in a way that would "matter"

anyway i know this like. is not "normal person" behavior and i know this isn't like. entirely healthy mindsets to have. 90% of the time i dont even like, think about this stuff this deeply but it's on the mind tonight...

im not trying to like, compliment fish or anything, but the reason im posting it is i guess if any of my objecto followers have any like. words of advice or reassurance or something about public objects i wouldnt mind if u sent them my way

(also im kinda in therapy again so if i post this here, if it starts eating away at me, i can find my Thoughts again to read to my therapist if i ever tell her im objecto lmfao)

[sazandorable]

That quote always vaguely irritated and genuinely confused me.

Sex: animals have sex. Most of them do, in fact (including same-sex pairs!). Dolphins and bonobos most famously (but other apes and some mammals too) are known to have sex for non-reproductive reasons.

Romance: idk how we could scientifically prove romance but pop culture has so, so, so many stories, symbols and stereotypes of romance in animals. Lots of birds famously mate for life: swans, penguins, and freaking lovebirds are right there.

Empathy: anyone who's ever had a pet knows animals can have empathy. Loads of animals live in communities and societies and look after each other, including coparenting, cross-species adoption and friendships, protecting and feeding the sick and disabled. Do we not have enough viral videos of bears gently helping a drowning crow out of the water??

While human people who have no/low sex drive, romantic attraction, and empathy do exist. Why the fuck would you choose those criteria to be weird about us and call us inhuman when a rooster is falling in love with and trying to fuck a human right there. Behold, a man.

Meanwhile, fire:

Literally considered in paleoanthropology to be one of the things that led to the evolution of the human species. Control of fire coincides with what's arguably considered the first species of the Homo genus (erectus, as habilis is debated to be more accurately Australopithecus instead).

Do you want to stroll up to Prometheus as he's having his liver ripped out for the day and look him in the eye as you tell him, between his screams of unending agony, that fire is whatever but fucking like rabbits is more important

“sex/romance/empathy makes us human,” they say. awful. pathetic. what makes us human is the urge to set things on fire

[moo-nstone]

jupiter through the houses

jupiter in the 1st house: you have a very strong, bold, larger-than-life personality! your generosity and love for helping others is what attracts them to you. a strong desire to achieve and live life to the fullest. tendency to over-indulge in food, exercise, anything of the sort. youthful, glowing quality to your appearance. the more optimistic and honest you are, the luckier you feel. you might feel like the universe helps you overcome any obstacle. be careful with trusting your luck too much, you need to still always make things happen for yourself and to trust reason and logic while remaining confident. a love for traveling. leadership and people skills, you only want to focus on self-improvement and what truly matters; you have no time for insignificant problems. people can feel lucky for having met you because of your soothing aura. you feel like if you ever lose faith in yourself, then you have nothing else. strong morals. careful with trying to "fix" people or situations who don't even need fixing in the first place... you can overstep others' boundaries in your attempts at generosity. 

jupiter in the 2nd house: jupiter here gives a lot of abundances when it comes to finances, but this also means that you love overspending. your first instinct when you feel sad or empty might be to go shopping. you might buy things that aren't even useful for you. luckily, money seems to come to you without any effort. you're very giving, romantic and poetic; you don't want to see the ones you love suffering and you do all you can to aid them. because of that, your friends are very loyal to you and always quick to defend you. you can be terrifying when crossed, your intimidation is no joke. a talent for business and for convincing others to do what you want. very dependable and trustworthy, you keep your word and you make sure to always put in your best when doing a job. you want comfort and the power that is obtained with wealth. you're a hard worker with a need to develop your talents, you want to be proud of what you're doing for a living. you possess a lot of knowledge about art. be careful not to put too many responsibilities on yourself. people in authority positions love you. 

jupiter in the 3rd house: you're very talkative and open-minded; your charm makes you very sociable, people always want to hear what you have to say. you love to learn and even more to teach, you have a special capability for turning a complex piece of knowledge and present it in a way that's interesting and easy to understand. people always see you as happy because you're capable of hiding your feelings of sadness. very hard-working and great at making decisions. sharp intelligence. talent for writing and a love for reading, you might want to continue your studies until older. you need to be careful with absorbing too much knowledge because some of it can be useless, your mind is like a literal sponge but you need to tend to it properly; you might be the type of person who wants to learn one hundred subjects at once but then you don't understand much out of all of them because you did it so hastily, it's suggested that you focus on one thing to learn at a time. very imaginative and with a need to get along with everyone. your siblings, if you have them, will play a very important part in your life. people might come a lot to you for advice. you get bored when you're not learning and exploring new things because you want to grow deeper every day. 

jupiter in the 4th house: the 4th house rules our inner experience, so you might have a very rich inner world. you're thoughtful about everything and you love exploring and coming up with new philosophies because you want to take all the lessons you've learned and use them to guide you through life. strong morals. you're understanding of all those who are different. a need to heal from all your childhood trauma and to grow an independent person. your earlier years were very good and exciting, with a large family, feasts, and a busy atmosphere. even if those times are long gone, you long to experience a sense of family again, so you're very protective of your friends and want them to feel like family. loud and bold, vibrant personality. you might act like an emotional vampire in the sense that you feel the need to experience every emotion the world has to offer. a need for a cozy home and to build a family. be careful with letting family problems destroy you and with being manipulative, you receive luck when you keep the morals that are so embedded in you. 

jupiter in the 5th house: you value expressing your individuality and creativity above all else in life, you can't stand having a job where you don't get to pour your personality and talents into it. you value having fun with your friends and you're very confident. courageous at heart. you might overwhelm the ones in their life by being too open and you might be seen as arrogant for being confident, but you can't help it that you're so unapologetically yourself. you want to have experiences with many partners before settling down - you fear falling in love and getting truly close to someone and, because of that, prefer casual dating. you're in touch with your inner child. you love to entertain, but you can tend to overindulge in life's pleasures and forget to work hard. the more creative you are, the luckier you feel. a talent for motivating and supporting others, you're a true leader. warm and caring nature, you're the happiest when you're around your loved ones. you have many talents that you'll discover through the years. your life stories are fascinating. 

jupiter in the 6th house: you love to help people and you put a lot of pride into what you do, and because of that, you have a very attentive eye for details - you hate making mistakes of any kind and this can make you a perfectionist, but be careful with overworking yourself due to that need to take on others' burdens and make them your own. very generous, you wouldn't hesitate to share your wealth and to inspire others to be better. witty and talented, you have a dry sense of humor that's fucking hilarious. make sure you're doing things for yourself instead of only putting your energy into what others want. taking care and having a routine is important for you because you want to feel like you're bettering yourself. pets can be very healing for you. honest... to a fault sometimes, you can hurt others with your words. pets can be healing for you, especially one that's independent like you, a cat for example. working hard makes you feel proud of yourself. you value getting along with everybody in your workplace. very strong bodies, you easily heal from health issues. you have incredibly high standards, so be careful of criticizing yourself and others. 

jupiter in the 7th house: you're very charming and you have a talent for softening up harsh edges, in the sense that even your enemies have respect for you because you're so diplomatic, caring and humorous. you need a partner to evolve with, someone who's as thoughtful, deep and open-minded as you. you fall in love with someone's sense of humor, intelligence, and someone with whom you share your many interests. someone to travel the world with. you're persuasive and can get others to easily compromise in your favor. you're very in tune with your emotions. a lot of luck when it comes to business. be careful with being too giving because you might be taken advantage of for your kindness, and with glossing over things because you're optimistic and only want to look at the good side of things and people. you're loved for your empathy and those closest to you find you very attractive. you have to set your priorities and boundaries straight for luck to come to you. you always look at things from both perspectives before making a decision. 

jupiter in the 8th house: this placement is perhaps the most easy-going to have in the 8th house because most 8th natives have a difficult time with having sex because they need a lot of intimacy and trust, but jupiter placed here makes for someone who loves having one-night stands and can even be overindulgent when it comes to this; you might have numerous partners throughout life, jupiter brings freedom to this part of your life. you love mystery and complicated things that most would run away from. incredible survival instincts, intuition; aware of others' true intentions. problem-solving skills. sociable and warm-hearted. easily heals from emotional problems. you can be manipulative because you feel paranoid when you're not in power, losing control of your life terrifies you. being spiritual content is necessary for your fulfillment. strategic skills. you're very enigmatic, people want to know you but it's incredibly hard for someone to get close to you, you're very loyal but you fear opening up to others about your weaknesses and deepest thoughts - yet, you have the talent to read others like a book. deep and intimate relationships, even if rare, will be the most soul-changing for you. 

jupiter in the 9th house: you place a lot of importance on your beliefs and finding your life purpose. you want to travel the world and to experiment all sorts of new things, like food. a love for learning and philosophy, that's what makes your soul feel full. luck comes from having faith, being hopeful with an optimistic mentality, you need to believe in yourself if you want to attract good things and being stuck in a negative mentality of self-doubt and hatred is quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to you. you want to expand your mind and soul, to know all about yourself and the world around you. freedom is very important to you because you hate conforming, and so are honesty and self-expression. incredibly intelligent and giving. talent for writing and teaching. you might often hurt others with your bluntness. you hate feeling stuck in one place which is why you love traveling, but be careful not to use this as a way to escape and run away from your problems. you're able to grasp very complex notions, you're a visionary at heart. remember to nurture your relationship with your loved ones and not only the one with yourself and the universe. 

jupiter in the 10th house: you have a lot of luck and blessings when it comes to your career and your relations with other people, but be careful with becoming too lazy because you're so used to everything going your way... in those cases, your luck can turn against you. you need to put in the work and to have whatever you do and achieve aligning with your sense of purpose. confident and optimistic. you might attract a lot of jealousy because people believe you get everything too easily (which is not true!). you're open to making new friends, charming and convincing. opening your own business would be good because as much as you value social status, you also value freedom and expressing yourself through your work. leadership skills. amazing sense of humor and ability to make the best decisions. you might have a talent for manifestation because you know exactly what you want from life, aren't shy to ask for it, and confident enough to believe you'll get it. you want to share with others who have less than you. dependable and resourceful, you only want to associate yourself with those who are as ambitious as you. remember to listen to others' opinions to gain more knowledge and expand your horizons. 

jupiter in the 11th house: very strong and progressive opinions. you have high ideals and want to help better the world, you're a humanitarian at heart. you feel the most cared for when you're around your friends, and new ideas and imagination might run freely between you and them when you're together. you dream of new philosophies and utopias. you do great in teamwork. very creative and non-conventional, you reject tradition and outdated ways. here, the danger of becoming too dependent on your own luck is the most prevalent! be careful with growing too lazy, you need to make things happen for yourself because that where you truly get abundant. very loving energy, you want your friends to feel protected and cared for but be careful with becoming too dependent on them. you're a ball of sunshine that brings happiness wherever you go, but don't spend too much time hanging out with your friends and identifying too much with them - you need to keep cultivating your individuality always. very knowledgeable about any subject. rich social life. big dreams and big ambitions. bravery. being generous to others not only helps you heighten your sense of self-worth and self-love but it might also prove to get luck and opportunities on your side. social causes are very dear to your heart. 

jupiter in the 12th house: when you tap into your spiritual side, you’ll gain great wisdom. great intuition, you’re very in tune with your psychic nature and your surroundings; you feel a deep craving to be generous and to be a part of the collective, you’re very giving. interested in psychology and healing; you’re a deep thinker and you want to understand everything about yourself, even the dark parts because that’s how we gain knowledge and wisdom. self-doubt and getting stuck in a cycle of self-hatred can be very dangerous for you and only when you believe in yourself, your intuition and talents will luck start coming your way. be careful with trying to escape too much and with running away from your problems because this placement indicates escapism through traveling and not only physical, it’s through daydreams as well. you must stand up for yourself always. your intuition has you being very sensitive to even the most subtle of energies, you can often feel drained and with a need to recharge. meditation is recommended. using your sensitivity to help yourself and others can bring a lot of healing energy all around you. 

[stay-with-eunhae]

Eunhae analyses - why they are real - part 1

Thank you 溫莎虫 for giving me the permission to translate the article. The link to the original article is here. https://wausichien.lofter.com/post/73cd8cde_2b413fd51

For everything that I have typed below, any extra opinions that I would like to add would be in italics like this, while the translations from the original authors would be in normal fonts.

For non-Eunhae shippers, you can just leave this page. No one forces you to read. We have our freedom to believe what we think, you also have the freedom to believe what you think. We don't mind your business, so you also don't have to mind our business. Thank you.

Firstly, I would like to explain why this ship is not a business relationship. Hence, I am translating this article to explain it in detail about it. The author of the article is studying psychology so for some future articles by this author, you may see her talking about some professional terms, and even from a psychological point of view to explain why romance exists in their relationship.

And some of the short forms that we will often be using. he=happy ending and be=bad ending for a ship. In Chinese, these words are used quite interestingly as both adjectives and nouns, so I am trying to preserve the original meaning of the author below.

Your be smasher is here.

Let me state my stance clearly first. I believe firmly that there is a romantic relationship between them. I started to ship them because I came across the video where they hugged each other when they got released from the military without even knowing who they are. I cried at the moment when they hugged each other. The empathy of humans only exists when authentic emotions are expressed. At least for me, as I have asked myself, I cannot put on a drama to pretend that I am that close with a same-sex friend for over 10 years. Even my most unforgettable romantic relationship was not even having the love half as deep as theirs. I was also afraid at first in the first real-life couple that I shipped, which I even tried to deceive myself that they are be. Yet I couldn't convince myself of this. The fact that finding evidence to prove that they are just brothers is just wrong itself. Most of the scenes claim that they are be are just negligible when we compare them with the sweet moments between them. We do not have to find these sorts of so-called proofs, which are just the tip of the iceberg when we have many more meaningful pieces of evidence to prove that they are indeed having a romantic relationship.

When I was tidying up the pieces of evidence in this article, I was getting pretty mad with how those be cuts are edited in a way that did not reflect the whole situation. Many of the sweet moments that make me ship them are from the moments that not many would be aware of in some variety shows or that the camera did not intend to catch, as these are the moments that would really touch our hearts deeply. If you want to understand Eunhae deeply, I would recommend you to go through the whole material once. You would definitely have a different feeling from just reading those cuts.

Those be scenes are already defined as be, so I can only find loopholes in them. I cannot completely disprove them and it may seem a bit subjective as well. You can just judge it by yourself rationally. Many of the be cuts are incomplete and intend to mislead everyone. I will try to complement the scenes before and after the cuts and also the background. You can judge the authenticity yourself.

There is an important point I would you all to remember throughout the article.

Explicitly telling everyone that they are in a relationship is not the only way of showing that they are he.

I don't talk about their sexual orientation, as I think that the reason they are moved by each other, is not that the other is of the same sex as themselves, but because the other is important to them and is outstanding in their eyes. However, if they are telling everyone explicitly that they are in a relationship, they would be labeled with the word 'gay' forever. It also means that they need to leave the job that they love. It is indeed much scarier that what everyone can imagine.

They are artists who are still working. They are public figures. They are living in a place that is highly sensitive to this. They have other members that would relate with in terms of interests. They have family and friends that are exposed to the views and opinions of the general public. They have fans who are having them as role models. Telling everyone explicitly is meaning they are being irresponsible to all these.

So basically it is almost impossible for them to tell everyone they are in a relationship. We cannot judge the nature of their relationship due to this.

Hence, for all the questions and comments asking about the nature of their relationship, they can only deny themselves having a romantic relationship. This is irrelevant to them being be.

Also, they attempted to probe into our feelings towards their relationships and express their relationships in an implicit way (with reference to E02) (I will translate this a bit later). The best situation is that we are having an unspoken agreement with them. We don't ask them further, and they also do not deny this fact. Let us protect the world that only belongs to them, and let them have sufficient courage and power to face their own feelings. This would be the best scenario.

Their jobs are idols, not to give a drama to people who ship them.

Real relationships would not be used for business purposes. Be and commercialised relationships would not appear together.

When searching for the origin of those be scenes, I was pretty angry, as these are also from the interviews and shows during their promotion period (especially in Taiwan).

They are running the promotion with the songs that they produced with their sweat and tears. The songs that they wish to be recognised by others. The shows were only using the relationships between them to stir up hot topics and possibly controversies while neglecting the songs themselves. I guess no one would be happy with this. The best solution for them is to shift the attention towards their song and avoid talking about anything related to their relationships.

Eunhae started from a subunit that did not even have a name, to now they have passed their 10th anniversary. I believe everyone can see how much effort each of them has put into D&E. If they were using their relationships as a means to promote their songs, their relationship would have completely distorted. Certainly, they want everyone to appreciate their songs, and hence like them, but not aiming to see their interactions and hence knowing their songs.

E02 those scenes are from their personal vlogs and live with fans, which are situations that which they would be relatively more relaxed, while those be scenes are from interviews and shows with bad intentions. We can just take what they said in such scenarios lightly. More often, they are just defending and protecting themselves.

Someone said that they are being close in vlogs and lives for business purposes, while in those interviews people are claiming they are be, but these two scenarios can never coexist. If they are be, they do not have to show how close they are in private. If they commercialise their relationships, they would not shift the topic during their interviews. Shows can be edited and with components specially designed to showcase something intentionally, but these are not necessary for lives and vlogs. If they can choose, of course they would be showing a more real side of them.

Understanding them through their YouTube and group variety shows (e.g. SJ returns, Suju TV) where they are more real and relaxed would be more convincing.

Do not be a snowflake

The fact that you ship a same-sex couple already means that you cannot ask them to show much stuff to the public. Eunhae is already among the top when compared with other ships. In many hidden moments they attempted to show their relationships, and often give us many sweet scenes to ship them hard. That many sweet moments already, aren't these enough? When watching the minimal moments that they may be be and then you start suspecting them yourselves. Come on. If you are not willing to believe that they are real, no matter how many sweet moments they are having, it would still be useless for you. If you are moved by their relationships, why not just believe them?

In some Taiwan variety shows, they have spoken a few times 'We are not in a romantic relationship. Don't be like this.'

I don't really want to talk about the time that they were in Taiwan. The only feeling was that these shows really disrespect them a lot. All these questions are too direct and made them uncomfortable. They were not getting angry about them is already pretty impressive.

Their openness towards LGBTQ is not really the case that they are respecting and supporting it from their heart. Instead, they are pretending to be open about it so that they can get more discussions. Intentionally designing some couple components in shows for them to do, directly asking them about homosexual love so as to ask about their personal lives. They were going to these Taiwanese shows during their promotion periods. These shows did not ask about their songs but used such ways to stir up topics about them. If they were slightly not careful enough, their words would be infinitely magnified. I advise everyone can just skip those Taiwanese shows about them and take the words they expressed there lightly.

Those so-called be interviews also have sweet moments. That's why again, just take them lightly.

These materials I do not even want to explain. I really feel so furious with these shows. They are just promoting their songs. Hence all the personal topics are redirected to the songs by them.

I am really quite speechless about this interview. The host was only aiming to listen to their personal lives. Many cuts used this capture to say they are be, but in the whole interview, apart from this, most other scenes are pretty sweet. (As a HKer, I feel really sorry that a show from my place is doing something like this to them...)

Such a way to hold their hands and explain, and how they used their eyesight to keep hinting the MC to go to the next segment, obviously, they really wanted to shift the topic.

I believe everyone knows how they hold their hand in normal times. They did not even look into each other's eyes when they hold their hands. They just kept talking to the MC. From their actions and facial expressions, they just wanted to convince the MC.

Give everyone another cut of the same interview. Which of them was talking about their own stories, and which of them was cuing the next segment, I guess it is really obvious to see.

They can feel whether the MC is having a bad intention, so they will try to change the topic as soon as possible. The facial expressions and actions when they are really talking about their own stories are really different.

In this live with so many famous scenes, Kyuhyun said on the phone that D&E did not contact often behind the camera, which is interpreted as the other member spilling the truths about them. Yet if you try to watch the whole live, you would realise that they were just joking, and even looks like that Kyuhyun is being salty lol.

When Lee Hyukjae said that there is an athlete next to him, Kyuhyun immediately guessed that it is Lee Donghae correctly.

Here Hyukjae was more like boasting to Kyuhyun when talking about Donghae, and Kyuhyun's response was pretty salty as well lolll.

The first point is that Eunhae did not look into each other's eyes due to the words of Kyuhyun, which means that they did not even need to discuss in order to give a response. Not only does it mean that they know Kyuhyun was just joking, but also it means that they have sufficient confidence in each other.

These are said by Donghae. The whole time they did not look at each other, and they both were laughing happily.

Donghae did not need to look at Hyukjae when speaking this because he knows that Hyukjae would not take it seriously. Both of them knows that it is a joke.

Hyukjae also did not have any emotional fluctuations. It is just a common way to joke with their other members for them. They don't need to check on the reactions of the others as they trust in each other. They know where the heart of the other belongs, so they did not need to suspect each other because of jokes like this.

I hit the 10 photos limit. Let me open a new post to put the corresponding photos

Photo 1

A point that I want to say is that, with reference to my analysis in E06 (another article that I will translate later, which is an extremely long analysis of Lee Hyukjae's personality from MBTI), Lee Hyukjae is the type of person that is often very meticulous but would be firm to his choice once the decision is made.

Even though Lee Donghae is pretty pure and direct, he is protected quite well. The reason that Donghae does not often go on variety shows, is not that he isn't good at it. Instead, he made some nice effects on variety shows. Rather it is that he didn't know those hidden rules in variety shows, which you need to adjust your tones, words, and intentions when facing people with a variety of intentions. Hence, if there are no other members to speak for him, it may be likely for him to speak something that can be easily misinterpreted.

In all my analyses, the period in the military is a turning point for them. After the enlistment, all the actions to hide the relationships are by Donghae, while all the actions to implicitly reveal their relationships are by Hyukjae.

Why Donghae is setting back now, when he was pretty direct before?

I guess is the case that before the military, he was trying to test the attitude of Hyukjae towards him. For now, when he has confirmed where Hyukjae's heart belongs, what he is doing now is solely to face the voices from the public.

Even Donghae is not the type of person that is often having intentions for others, he also did not have any big controversies. The only attack for him is probably homosexual love. This makes him quite vulnerable to the voices of the public. While Hyukjae, he is the type of person others cannot interfere with his thoughts easily.

That time when they were scolded for having a couple profile picture in the military, Donghae changed back immediately, while Hyukjae kept it for a day. Whenever the fans are having cheer for their actions, the one who gets flustered and escapes from it first is often Donghae. After the military, Hyukjae is really getting more courageous towards their relationships.

Photo 2

When Donghae attempted to hide the relationship, Hyukjae did not follow and denied this topic. Instead, he wanted a hug.

Most of the time when Donghae was trying to deny it, Hyukjae is giving him confidence and courage.

Photo 3

This famous scene from D&E show.

The show was already meant to stop originally. Both of their mics were already turned off with the ending song playing. Donghae asked to turn on the mic all of a sudden after reading the iPad for a while and then read aloud this comment. He intentionally brought up this comment is likely that he wanted to hide their relationships, but Hyukjae did not deny it.

Photo 4

Donghae said they are both males timidly, but Hyukjae replied and said so what. Donghae raised his head and looked a bit scared and confused.

Photo 5

And lastly this part Hyukjae was replying with a stern face, not knowing it is towards the staff or any other person, while Donghae was still looking scared and confused.

Actually, I don't really have a good feeling towards to production team of Danny show. Some of the segments are using the popularity of the ship too much, but since there are not many activities for them due to COVID, I still watch this show occasionally.

During the show, they don't read the comments very often. On one hand, there are too many comments to be read. On the other hand, there may be too many comments irrelevant to the show that may affect their mood.

This comment was brought up by Donghae when the show had already been meant to end. He didn't discuss with others on this topic. They usually do not bring up comments like this.

Perhaps they were having too many comments like this, which was possibly affecting their normal duties, so Donghae wanted to explain it, trying to suppress comments like this, yet the reaction of Hyukjae did catch Donghae off guard. I guess Hyukjae also didn't want things like this to sway his thoughts, so Hyukjae did not follow Donghae to deny it, and expressed their needs for privacy.

Their show also has commercial segments and guests, which means there are non-shippers that would be watching. It is really quite disturbing for them to have questions asking about their relationships every time, yet Hyukjae did not mean to deny it.

Photo 6, 7, 8

Hyukjae was in Dubai when Donghae's solo was out. He was hosting the show alone.

He was reading the comments from fans again. A point to note is that the staff intentionally chose the questions out for Donghae already and projected them to the screen, not chosen by Donghae. It is the staff who chose these for him to answer.

(I really want to scold the staff of the production team again. They are not doing something intentional like this as an isolated case to note.)

Take a look at this pretty extreme reaction from Donghae, and compare it with how he usually talks, you will realise that it is very obvious when Donghae tries to tell lies. Both his facial expressions and actions are very unnatural. Let me don't delve further into this, but instead let's see how sweet when he called Hyukjae in the same episode.

Photo 9, 10, 11, 12

When he was calling Hyukjae, even though he was talking about that the time zone difference is 6 hours and he would not pick up the call, he kept trying when the call was cut. The third time when he changed to data roaming mode, Hyukjae finally picked up the call. You can see how happy Donghae is when he can finally call Hyukjae.

Photos 13, 14

It is just so sweet after the call is picked up. You can check out yourself when you are interested.

It should be the moment when Donghae looked the most relaxed and happy in the whole show.

Photo 15

In the program of Lee Soogeun, Hyukjae asked about marriage. Many people thought it is meaning be. Firstly I need to state that they aim to promote their songs and D&E through the program. They should have discussed about what they would be asking with the program staff beforehand.

Remember the facial expressions of Donghae here.

Photo 16

Compare it with the facial expressions of Donghae before the military. See how reluctant were them to discuss how this topic. As they were still insecure about their relationships, anything that Hyukjae spoke of would be taken seriously by Donghae. You can see Donghae obviously looks miserable here.

And then look at this recent interview. Donghae looks like he knows what will be spoken by Hyukjae. He didn't try to evade any eye contact.

Photos 17, 18

And then Donghae drew the paper slip of answer, which was written 'let's give up immediately'. Donghae said it is not good. Hyukjae looked nervous and wanted to take, but Donghae did not give, just looked at him only.

Soogeun said it is the implication from the god after reading the paper slip, just do your works first. The whole time when Soogeun was speaking, they are looking at each other. Maybe Donghae was really hurt by what was written in the paper slip.

You can slowly watch over the eye contacts and expressions here again and again and interpret yourself.

Photo 19

Hyukjae asks who you want the children to be like when talking about the topic of children.

In fact, I don't think that you need to treat the discussions of marriage and children as be. They cannot escape from questions like this. It is the need of their work. What makes it important is how they answer it.

Donghae did not talk about who he wanted the children to be like. He only said that he wanted his son to be mischievous while being kind-hearted. This description, isn't it describing Hyukjae in his teen years? He talked about the reason that he likes Hyukjae is that he is funny and kind-hearted more than once.

Photo 20

When talking about the face, Hyukjae said the eyes have to look like Donghae. We all know that Hyukjae likes Donghae's eyes a lot.

Photo 21

When Hyukjae was answering, he said that he thought himself is not good-looking, so don't look like himself is ok.

Donghae immediately said 'I always think you are so good-looking'. Hyukjae said 'that's because it is me so you said like this'

Photos 22, 23

Donghae smiled and asked that so are you only dating with people who are good-looking.

Take a look at this facial expression, 'Looks are everything'

Donghae's visual is pretty well-known. If looks are everything, Lee Donghae is everything right.

Photos are already full (in the original article) and I cannot put anymore. Let me talk about the more controversial be points in words.

Dating rumours

Lee Donghae did not have any certain dating rumours, while Hyukjae it was just about IU and Irene.

I think it is normal for them to have dating experiences before. It is also normal for them to have girlfriends before. It is impossible for them to be certain that they would be having a special relationship with each other. Apparently, it needs time and after experiencing some incidents for them to develop into a relationship like now.

They are not homosexual! NOT HOMOSEXUAL! They do not only have people of same-sex.

Having girlfriend and loving each other is not mutually exclusive.

Loving a person is irrelevant to the sex!!!!!

IU incident was too long ago. I don't want to discuss it again. Hyukjae clarified the rumours already. It is up to you to believe or not. Anyway, this topic is not something that we would like to bring up again. During Hyukjae's lowest point due to this incident, it was Donghae who stood by him and supported him. When everyone was attacking him, it was Donghae who tweeted multiple times to support him, and used the subunit to save Hyukjae.

For Irene that rumour, Hyukjae did not even have a single photo with her in private. I cannot really understand how the rumour came out. The so-called 'congratulating her birthday across nations' was actually the work arranged by the company in order to become a director, and even discussed with fans how to meet at the airport. The rumour was started with sexual harassment. Hyukjae even liked a post clarifying the rumour before. This sort of weird stuff cannot be regarded as dating in any sense.

Hyukjae moving back to the dorm

Hyukjae clarified a few times that moving back to the dorm was just meant to be a transition period, yet there are still people who over-interpret this action.

When they were living close together, there were even saesang fans and reporters to take hidden snapshots of them and even rumoured about them living together. Proving they are living together actually means they are speaking of their relationships to the public explicitly.

Everyone needs private space. I also do not believe them that they only have one housing property after being idols for many years. It is normal for them to have a flat just for photo-taking. What is known by us may not be everything. If they want to meet each other, they can have plenty of places to go. They don't have to let everyone know how close their houses are. Saying that this means they want to distance from each other is just ridiculous.

Also, they have mentioned on a few shows later that Donghae would go to the dorm with friends are drinking together (we all know that Donghae does not drink). In Mr. Housework, Donghae also went to the dorm during his break from work. So they can always meet when they want to meet, and the dorm is even more safe with fewer saesang fans.

Donghae and Heechul slept together in SJ returns

In SJ returns, when all the members were sleeping on the floor, Donghae was on the same bed as Heechul who took his pants off. Someone asked why he did not sleep with Hyukjae? Is it that their relationship is not good?

The point is the most ridiculous, yet it is the most that people have asked.

Firstly, Donghae lived in the same room as Heechul even before their debut. I guess I don't even have to explain how good is Heechul treating Donghae. SJ members are just like family. We don't even need to compare.

Also, in front of the camera, Eunhae sleeping together directly, is it a bit too much? It doesn't really make sense right?

Originally Eunhae were sleeping together, Hyuk left Hae right. After Heechul took off his pants, he was on the left of Hyukjae. When Donghae told him to sleep together, Heechul did not sleep between Eunhae, but instead on the right of Donghae. Eunhae was still together. I am just stating facts anyway. You can judge it yourself.

Erm to be honest what I remember from this episode was only that they were messing around, and then Heechul took off his pants. I did not even notice where Heechul slept. Lmao. It is hilarious to discuss it lol.

Too much commercialisation

Many fans say that Eunhae is be as they are doing it for business purposes. They just want to get the popularity among each other, and use all they can to get popularity.

If Eunhae is doing it for business purposes, it is basically suicidal.

They had the best timing for be before the military, yet they did not even be but even get more closer.

They are both among the top lines in terms of popularity. Even they just use fans who treated them as bf, they still do well. However, they did not even try to get people to treat them as bf, but even tried to get off their solo stans (later in the translated articles, there will be a famous scene for this). During online fansign, Donghae got into the camera for Hyukjae. Hyukjae did not even stop him, but let him continue to play around. (another famous scene to get off their solo stans)

Debuted for more than ten years, all the members have found their future path, no matter in variety shows or in acting. Using the popularity of the ship of two particular members, not only is it meaningless, but also losing their esteem as a group for over ten years.

Everyone knows Eunhae is popular, yet in variety shows for the group, you can hardly find them being arranged to the same group. Somehow these are even edited in a way to promote other ships to shift the focus.

In variety shows for the group, when Donghae was late, Hyukjae would push him to the camera silently. In The Manager, Hyukjae was afraid that Donghae didn't know what to do and taught him to water the plant and play piano in advance. He even called Donghae to tell him to come to the dorm as there are more people together. This is called using the popularity of Donghae?

The surprise of the birthday was regarded as purposeful. No one asked them to do this. How happy when Hyukjae was during his birthday is not a level that he could pretend. Donghae can also don't go to the birthday live, even just the phone call can be an extremely sweet moment.

Interactions are only in front of the camera

Not posting at 0000 for the other's birthday is called be. Not going to the birthday party is called be.

Are there that many bes?

If they were doing it that meticulously, probably I would not even ship them.

If the one you want to celebrate with is next to you right now, would you even bother to post and say happy birthday on the Internet? You are doing the celebration with the one who is having their birthday, but not the irrelevant ones coming just to see their interactions.

They can directly ask in front of everyone why the other does not come to the birthday party. They know that the other needs to work. They know that it is not the only way to express their feelings. They already celebrate it themselves behind the camera. Hence, they can talk about it without minding it in front of the camera.

I ship Eunhae only by watching variety shows and by myself. Watching cuts would only watch the parts that are not of the complete stories, but the immediate reactions of the people would not. Their interactions which are not intended to be caught by the camera often touch my heart even more.

Lastly, some words may be a bit impulsive and I am not intending to make them nice.

Eunhae has gotten into SM for 20 years. They know more than any fans regarding how they should develop and handle their personal life.

Those fans who attempted to analyse them be or commercialising their relationships are just a mess. They know more than what their fans do. They are not stupid to an extent that they commercialise their relationships to bring up the popularity of the group. They would not use their relationship to gain immediate interests and cut off their future paths completely.

If not due to COVID, Hyuk would be a director and Hae would be a composer. They already set the route for themselves in the future. Even without all those media discussions, they can also live very well. They do not have to live in front of their fans to continue their work.

Those solo stans talking about grabbing the attention of the other are even more hilarious. They know each other for 20 years already. Do you think they would not know the other is taking advantage of him? If that's so, even pretending, you cannot pretend for that many years. They are close with each other, to the extent they wanted to promote the others from their heart. Is it a problem? Toxic solo stans said they are trying to grab the attention of each other. Do you think they do not know about it? Solo stans are pretending they are doing it for the good of their idol. They are the people who work for the best of the idol. If one day they pressurised Eunhae to an extent that they had to break their relationships, how miserable would they be?

With reference to now how all the members did not mean to hide their relationships, if they do not know how tough and close they are, and support them from their hearts, is it that all the members are taking advantage of the ship? Is this even possible?

From debut to now, there are many people who keep talking about Eunhae be or commericalise their relationships. And then? Every time they said Eunhae is going to end, yet now D&E has passed its 10th anniversary, and even getting more and more shippers. Fans are also not stupid. There are many cases of idols with their reputations ruined. There are still more and more fans becoming shippers. If they are not really touching the hearts of the people, who would be stupid to an extent to stan them?

We know that they cannot go public with their relationships, but even ask them again and again whether they are dating. If they deny it, they are be. Are they going crazy, or fans are going crazy? Those sweet moments that can even be regarded as publicising their relationships in other ships are even not enough? Is it that they need to tell the fans not to ask again, to that extent in order for us to understand? Is it because they are really the top among ships currently that made fans start to forget their sweet moments? They have more sweet moments than we can watch. If you are suspecting, why not you watch back their sweet moments, but bother yourself with those cuts claiming that they are be? Isn't this finding excuses to make yourself feel bad about stanning them?

We would argue even if we are dating. We can divorce even if we have married. Eunhae would not always be without conflicts, especially when they have already withstood more pressure than everyone else.

They can hardly find another person who can know themselves as much as each other. They are destined to need each other, and they cannot be without each other. Delving too much into their relationships, except for adding too much pressure to their relationships, does not even have a use.

I really feel that they have tried their best. They are already courageous enough. They can look into each other and confess. They can use songs to implicitly tell everyone how much they miss and love each other. They can protect and stand by each other to accomplish their dreams together. There will not be another Eunhae in the world.

They participated in two-thirds of each other's lives, from the time no one knew them, to now being global superstars. They were able to withstand many breakdowns due to the presence of each other. They can withstand 20 years. They can withstand the military period. They can withstand people come and go. I wish they can also withstand all the suspects from others.

Actually I am afraid. I am afraid that they are giving up as they are scared. I am afraid that they are eventually choosing to be together with someone who is similar to the other, but not as good as the other. They even have to listen to strangers telling them 'Listen to me. I know that these two are fake.'

No fans can replace Eunhae in the place of their hearts for each other. Those who say who loved them the most also hurt them the most. There are no dramas that can act for 20 years. There are no intentional actions that can deceive the physiological reactions of the body (another article that I will translate later is talking about this). If you are suspecting due to the words of the others, take a look at the time that only these two are together. I haven't been fortunate enough to get any soulmates in my life like how they care for each other. Even my imagining the existence of such soulmates, I already feel very grateful to have them. They must cherish each other even more than we can imagine.

Lastly, irrational critics would often see everything as fake. They do not need anything as evidence for what they speak, nor taking any responsibility. They talked about Eunhae being fake for more than ten years, yet they are still together. The sweet moments of Eunhae already piled up to your home's ceiling, why don't you just watch and admit them?

The prerequisite for shipping Eunhae is that you need to respect them as individuals. You need to allow them to fear the pressure from the public. You need to allow them to escape and evade the public. You need to allow them to focus on their own work. They already linked themselves with each other. Whether they succeed or fail, they would be together succeeding or failing.

Eunhae are already in their thirties. They are big sunbaes right now. Those so-called using them for business purposes are already not for them. You can certainly think that they are still using their relationships for business. However, if you really believe in them who are courageously following their heart, I wish there are going to be more and more people who are respecting and congratulating them from their hearts.

Romance is when the soul matches each other, not limited by gender. It is already hard for people to understand and love each other. Do not care about the voices of the others too much.

If you read my previous blog entries, you would know that I am just supporting them regardless of the nature of their relationships, while this author supports that they are in a romantic relationship. Again you can disagree and choose what you want to believe. You don't have to listen to me, or the author.

Update at 1132KST 17/6

I am putting the blog entries here and discuss their relationships as I really don’t want shippers to directly ask them about the nature of their relationships. I believe this bothers them a lot to an extent that they have to respond this occasionally. Hence, I want this to help shippers to understand and get silent with questions like this.

Even the posts that I wrote myself before, all those are compilations from the C ELFs. The Chinese Kpop fandom is pretty messy with many more controversies and rumours than the international fandom. However, instead of stirring up controversies, it is safe to assume that 80% of CELFs are Eunhae shippers (from the number of people in Eunhae Chaohua vs Super Junior Chaohua). It is an unspoken consensus among CELFs that we know these two and also puns about them. I am not wishing the international fandom will be having the same effect, but when these can survive well in the Chinese Kpop fandom, it’s not that concerning internationally.

And to be honest, I don’t really think such a small blog is causing any media issue anyway.

Lastly, we do not intend to invade their privacy. We are not going into the private space to look into them. We are just watching on-screen interactions as well, even those at the corners. We love their interactions and appreciate how beautiful their relationships are.

I don’t want to address issues like this again. It is my last time talking about all these. No one forces you to believe or read.

[coochiequeens]

“ Fear of male people while in a highly vulnerable physical state is not illogical”

This article is taken from the December/January 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

By Victoria Smith 

In Trauma and Recovery, the psychiatrist Judith Herman distinguishes between traumatic events that are “natural disasters or ‘acts of God’” and those “of human design”. In the case of the former, she writes, “those who bear witness readily sympathise with the victim”. 

When it comes to the latter, the situation is more complex. Here, taking the part of the victim is not a natural response. After all, Herman points out, “all the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil.” By contrast, the victim “asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”

Victims are difficult people. They disrupt the untroubled narratives we tell ourselves about the world we live in and the people we know. They tug at those threads that are supposed to remain untouched. 

Nowhere is this more true than in the case of victims of male sexual violence. Rape, sexual exploitation and child sexual abuse are not rare; their occurrence is not limited to discrete communities with known ideological flaws. 

It cuts across all social strata, often thriving in settings which self-identify as virtuous and safe: the church, the charitable organisation, the family. To exist in such a setting and demand that others bear witness to your trauma — that they respond, socially and politically, to the harm done to you — is an incredibly challenging thing to do. You are not just asking for care and consideration; you are asking people to revise their most fundamental group narratives, the truths they tell themselves in order to believe they are good and that they belong. 

It is for this reason, I think, that many people sympathise with victims of rape and child abuse in the abstract, but do not want to witness their trauma in the wild. In the minds of others, those who make visible the aftermath of male sexual violence can quickly cross over from victims to perpetrators. Their crime is not one against the integrity of the body, but against the bystander’s own sense of self. 

The story of the Princess Grace Hospital offers one such example. 

In October this year, a victim of sexual assault had a potentially life-saving operation cancelled by London’s Princess Grace Hospital. This was in response to her request that due consideration be given to her trauma. The woman, who had arranged to have complex colorectal surgery, had asked for single-sex facilities, and to be exempted from any requirement to feign a belief that gender identity trumps biological sex while receiving treatment. 

“Fear of male people while in a highly vulnerable physical state is not illogical”

These are not extreme demands. Fear of male people while in a highly vulnerable physical state is not illogical; asserting boundaries can form an important part of recovery. For rape victims in particular, the right to stress the primacy of one’s own perceptions of sex and power — rather than cede to someone else’s insistence that their sex, and their power in relation to you, is whatever they say it is — can be vitally important. 

A private hospital, the Princess Grace boasts of “specialists in care for women’s health”. One would assume such specialists know what female bodies are and, while some may lack expertise regarding the relationship between biological sex, male violence and trauma, most would possess a basic degree of empathy and compassion. 

While issues of human resourcing and the organisation of physical space may yet have made the patient’s requests difficult to accommodate, this is something for which the hospital could have expressed contrition. It is not the fault of the Princess Grace Hospital that we live in a country where 98 per cent of sexual violence is committed by male people and an estimated one in 20 female people have been raped. Nentheless, that is surely something every medical institution ought to take into account when considering how best to meet the needs of female patients.

But representatives of the Princess Grace Hospital were not contrite. On the contrary, on 7 October the patient received an email from Maxine Estop Green, the hospital’s CEO, stating not just that the operation was off, but explaining why:

“We do not share your beliefs and are not able to adhere to your requests and we have therefore decided we will not proceed with your surgery […] I appreciate this is not the communication you were expecting to receive, however HCA is committed to protecting our staff from unacceptable distress and we believe the cornerstone of good patient care is based on mutual respect and trust.”

And there it is. As if by magic, rape victim becomes potential perpetrator, threatening to cause “unacceptable distress” due to her trauma, a trauma now recast as “values” that others — the untraumatised, those untainted by anything so inconvenient as fear — do not share. 

I am not entirely unsympathetic to the problem faced by the Princess Grace Hospital. It is the same problem faced by any institution or political grouping that has been frogmarched into accepting that a woman is anyone who says they are a woman, always and without exception. The trauma of female victims of sex crimes — who cannot switch off their awareness of who is and is not male — does not fit this narrative. 

The visceral, physical response, the unwilled terror at the sound of a male voice or the sight of a male body — all of that contradicts the line that trans women are a special, extra-vulnerable type of female person, as opposed to a just another type of male, with the same physical capabilities and emotional unpredictabilities as any other. 

The argument against trans women in sex-segregated spaces is not based on their transness, but their maleness. People pretend that’s not true, however. In keeping with the “do nothing” preferences of the bystander, many people would rather impute bigotry and bad faith to rape victims than deviate from the “trans women are women” thought-terminating cliché in which they have become invested. 

This investment may have complex roots; perhaps at the start it seemed a low-cost concession (“why not just call people what they want to be called?”), one which didn’t require actual belief (“of course, no one is actually saying …”). Then various other factors — peer pressure, threats of violence, the risk of ostracism, financial incentives — came into play. In the end, no one remembers why they ever expressed doubt. Doubt is for bigots. 

“We should not be surprised how tenaciously people hold onto their myths”

We should not be surprised how tenaciously people hold onto their myths, even when faced with the pain of others. A mother will disbelieve an abused child rather than accept the man she married is a bad person; a congregation will send a girl to a Magdalene laundry rather than admit that the head of their flock might be a rapist. Similarly, even women who call themselves feminists would rather denounce women terrorised into fearing all male people than admit that there is a problem with pretending that maleness is in the eye of the penis-owner. 

This is why “reasonable compromises” are impossible in the trans debate as it stands today. Any admission whatsoever that maleness matters — that it is real and politically salient — is heresy. The faithful will sacrifice the vulnerable rather than lose their religion. 

The degree of shaming to which survivors of rape and child sexual abuse have been subjected in order to preserve the “trans women are women” line is utterly obscene. Women who ask for female-only spaces are told they must reframe their boundaries; that they are obsessed with genitals; that they are weaponising trauma; that they have the wrong values and the wrong perception of reality. It is vital that they are vilified. Stop to consider their pain and you, too, might start pulling at the thread of the dogma. 

Because this is the sad truth of modern trans activism: it is completely incompatible with the recognition of female trauma as anything other than a fetish. Genuine female fear of male people is an affront to “I am whoever I say I am”. It is viewed as an attack, therefore all shame must be projected back onto women themselves. Like Medusa with her snake hair, once again the female victim of male sexual violence is made into a monster. 

The patient at the heart of the Princess Grace Hospital story has since had her operation rescheduled, with the original surgeons in attendance. It is a positive ending, as far as it goes. She is not condemned to die for her beliefs. 

But some actions cannot be retracted. The email sent on 7 October was not just an operation cancellation. It was an act of shaming, the same shaming to which victims of sexual trauma have been subjected throughout history for daring to suggest their truths matter more than particular party lines. 

This is the context in which we need to understand the Princess Grace story: as not just related to “the trans debate”, but clarifying the way in which said debate not only replicates but amplifies the traditional, millennia-old shaming of female victims of sex crimes. It is this shaming that enables someone such as Maxine Estop Green to potentially put a woman’s life at risk for expressing her fears. 

This shaming is familiar and commonplace. It is no less grotesque for it. None of us should choose to “see, hear, and speak no evil” when faced with it.

[sunbeams-and-honey]

Ceres Part 2

Ceres in Aries: They love any physical activity, and often use it as a way to relax. They have a need to be independent and may be prone to self realisations. A lot of them. They need to be physically stimulated often, so they may fidget a lot or naturally snuggle up to people without even knowing that they're doing it. They value sharing experiences with the ones they love above any other type of gift. They find it much easier to show love, rather than to outright say it. They want to help their loved ones to find their independence. They are very protective but hate asking for help. They may have issues surrounding their own self-worth, even though they are the first person to boost the confidence of others. They need to allow themselves to work through their grief, rather than ignoring it.

Ceres in Taurus: Their love language may be touch; they absolutely love to be held and physically comforted by the ones they love. It's vital that their home is a place where they feel safe and loved, and they may like having physical reminders of good experiences in their home, such as having framed photos on the wall. They probably love comfort food, they just need to make sure that this doesn't become a problem. Eating some chocolate when you're sad is all good, but if you're doing it every day, then you should probably look into other ways of comforting yourself. They love to be pampered, even if they try to deny this fact or try to deny themselves this due to self-guilt. Things like massages may seem very appealing to them. They wish to provide financial stability for others, and find comfort through material matters, such as physical gifts. Any issues surrounding their finances will be particularly hard for them due to the comfort money usually gives them. They may be prone to being manipulated and/or manipulating others. It depends on the rest of their chart. They don't like to let go of their grief, which is very unhealthy for their grieving process and wellbeing as a whole.

Ceres in Gemini: They grow when communicating with new people in a positive way, even if they're more introverted than extroverted. It's important for them to be kind or at least civil with more or less everyone they meet. They may find themselves drawn to education, whether that means following higher education, going into the sector as a career, or just constantly having a need to learn new things. Places like libraries or old bookshops may be appealing and comforting to them. They like to talk things through as a form of care for themselves and for others. They may be more comfortable with verbally expressing their love rather than showing it. They love to spend time with the ones they truly love. Their identity may be primarily built of their intellect, so they may have some confidence issues surrounding this. They can't easily deal with rejection. Despite this, they quite literally reject their emotions during times of grief. They need to talk to others in times of hardship.

Ceres in Cancer: They tune into their maternal side and instincts when caring for others, and like to be treated in a similar way. They are very protective of their family and feel like they have a duty to look after them. Remember that this doesn't necessarily mean your biological family. Just like those with Taurus in this placement, it's important that their home is a safe and loving environment. Their home is their special place and should be treated as such. They want to provide this sense of security for their loved ones, and they really do want to care for them. These people often make great parents if they decide to have children. If not, they would at least be quite good with kids. They love to form emotional bonds and connections with others, and this comes very easy to them. However, they might deal with abandonment issues and/or self-esteem issues. They also may have a tendency to cling on to their grief for fear of moving on and forgetting. They need to remember that it's okay to get on with their life; they shouldn't be bound by their grief.

Ceres in Leo: Self-expression and developing their creativity is vital for their self-growth. They have a strong need to be recognised and appreciated and struggle greatly when they feel like they're not loved. Deep down they are a true artist and may be gifted in a certain form of art. Caring for others gives them a huge sense of pride and they might centre their identity around how they do this. They truly want to do their best with their care and are not ones to do this half-heartedly without good reason. They feel loved when they're at the centre of someone else's attention. They thrive on praise from others but they need to learn how to not always rely on this. They need to be able to motivate themselves and this is something they are destined to learn during their lifetime. They are confident in their care but it can lack a sense of empathy. They are good at raising other's confidence, and often do this by recognising the originality of others.

Ceres in Virgo: As most Virgo placements would also imply, anyone with this one probably has some kind of workaholic mentality. They value their work highly and often won't stop until they feel like they're done. They care for other people through discipline, so their way of showing you that they care would be telling you where you're going wrong and why you shouldn't do that. This makes them sound like an overbearing parent or teacher, but they just want to protect you from making bad decisions, and this seems to be the easiest way to do it. They can be harsh when doing this, so they should be told when to rein it in, but they really do care and aren't being mean for the sake of it. They love to help others improve their general skills because they really want them to go far in life. They generally take criticism well because they understand why they're being criticised and know that it will help them in the long run. They love to learn new things, especially in a tactile way. They define themselves based on their achievements, but because of this they can unrealistically high expectations. They go through grief rather quickly, which means that they can overlook what they need to work through. They need to take more time for themselves more often.

Ceres in Libra: These people are highly focused on helping other people, which they often do by expressing their acceptance of their loved ones, and by building a stable relationship with them. They're very good at adapting to the specific needs of specific people, as they understand that everyone is different, and are very observant when it comes to this. It doesn't take them long to work out what a certain person wants/needs. They thrive on communication and stability with a person, and they love to share with them. They also love general intimacy, and this doesn't necessarily mean just sex. They can be selfless to the point of neglecting themselves completely, and this is a hard thing for them to overcome because they base their identity so much through others. They need to learn how to put themselves first and how to separate themselves from other people. Their identity is their own. They are quite open with their emotions so grief isn't as difficult as it could be.

Ceres in Scorpio: People with this placement want to have real connections with the people in their lives. They care for others through any and all kinds of intimacy, and like to be treated in a similar fashion. They don't favour emotional or physical care, tending to combine the two instead. They try to inspire their loved ones to achieve their very best because they think personal transformation is very important. Growth and control are also valued highly with this placement. They prefer to stifle their emotions, so they unknowingly make dealing with grief more difficult for themselves than it could be. They need to learn how to open up more to others.

Ceres in Sagittarius: People with this placement absolutely love to learn and explore, and they need the freedom to do so in order to feel loved. This is how they best grow and thrive. They want to inspire and support the other people in their lives so that they can help them do their best and get through hard times. Their own confidence and optimism helps them greatly with this. They also tend to use their own past experiences and knowledge to help others. They like to build their identity on these things, as well as their beliefs, morals and, to an extent, their loved ones. They have a tendency to avoid grief, preferring to stay strong for other people. That isn't to say that they ignore their grief altogether. They do work through it at some point, it just takes them longer than most.

Ceres in Capricorn: This placement is an indicator that the native holds recognition and achievement in very high esteem. They feel that other people truly care about them when they try to help them achieve their best. Stability is also very important to them and is the main reason why they want to be successful. They're quite big on responsibility and discipline because it's important to them that the people in their lives also achieve success. This focus that they have can mean that they are sometimes too hard on themselves, so they need to understand where to draw the line. They need to learn that their self-worth is not just defined by their achievements in life, and that failure is not necessarily a bad thing. They sometimes feel guilty for dealing with their emotions and grief because they don't think they have the time to work through that side of themselves. They need to learn that this isn't true.

Ceres in Aquarius: These people like to support their loved ones through genuine friendship and by defending them. They loved individuality as a whole and it's vital to them that the people in their life are accepting of one's individuality. They try to make sure that their loved ones feel wanted and respected. They like to be treated in a similar way but they also need a lot of freedom. They need to feel like they're able to breathe. Their role in their community is important to their identity, as well as their connections, originality and creativity. Their politics and what they believe in is also crucial. They may struggle with intimacy and intense emotions because of their tendency to be somewhat of a lone wolf. They're the type of person to have lots of friends but not many close ones. They prefer to detach themselves from their feelings.

Ceres in Pisces: People with this placement are great at understanding and emotionally supporting others. They're selfless to the point of self-sacrifice when it comes to their loved ones, especially to their children. They want to be strong and dependable for others as much as they can. They are sympathetic, compassionate and hugely accepting. They have a large and very alive imagination which needs to be constantly fuelled. They have a tendency to work themselves to the bone so they need to be reminded that they deserve to have a break and be looked after. They sometimes have issues related to their self-worth because they mainly define themselves by how they support others. They constantly feel like they need to be helping someone. Grief can be difficult for them because they feel their emotions so intensely. They are easily overwhelmed by their feelings so they need to learn how to cope in a different way.

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - “Rapunzel Knows Best!” ( A first half of S3 Recap)

So I decided to place the recap after Be Very Afraid for several reasons. For starters it’s where the season three hiatus took place. It’s also framed like a cliffhanger episode the same as The Great Tree and Queen for a Day; so while Cassandra’s Revenge is technically the midseason finale, Be Very Afraid functionally servers this narrative purpose better. Finally I want to keep the Cassandra heavy stuff contained in it’s own recap later same as I did for Varian’s arc in season one. 

Also keep in mind, everything I discussed in previous recaps still apply here. Nothings changed and you could argue that the issues I bring up now could have also apply to past seasons; they just happen to be at their worst here. 

Here are the past recaps 

To Filler or Not to Filler

Hey, What Ever Happened to That Varitas, Guy?

What Is the Point?

‘Whatta Twist’

And here are the episodes that’s covered in this recap

Rapunzel’s Return Part 1

Rapunzel’s Return Part 2

Return of the King 

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf

The Lost Treasure of Herz Der Sonne

No Time Like the Past

Beginnings 

The King and Queen of Hearts

Day of the Animals 

Be Very Afraid 

Poorly Defined Conflicts 

I’m not just talking about Cassandra’s lack of goals here either, though that is a part of it. I mean in several episodes the central conflict isn’t laid out clearly enough before being resolved.  We flip from one set up to the next without ever resolving the first; like in Rapunzel’s Return when Cass and Varian fight for screen time or whenever Rapunzel is suppose to learn one lesson only for someone else to learn a completely different lesson in every other episode. And to this day I don’t know what Rapunzel and Feldspar’s subplot in Lost Treasure was suppose to be about. 

There’s also of course the ill-defined overall conflict; which at this point has become convoluted and nonsensical to the extreme, and will only grow more aggravatingly stupid as the season progresses. The main villains lack clear goals, their motivations don’t align with previously stated facts, and the actual interesting conflict involving the threat of the rocks and their destruction of people’s lives and homes is just shoved under the rug and forgotten about.  

There is no story without conflict. Having the conflict be all over the place is not only confusing but makes it harder for the audience to invest in what’s going on. 

Failed Narrative Promises 

Tying in with the above statement regarding conflicts, we have failed narrative promises. Rapunzel is repeatedly told to that she needs to learn something in several episodes only for her not to learn it at all. She either learns some unrelated ‘lesson’ that wasn’t established, (like in Rapunzel’s Return with her pervious goal about ‘opening up to others’ being switched out for a generic ‘responsibility’ lesson that at the last minute, where she doesn’t even do anything responsible,) or she winds up ‘teaching’ the opposite lesson to a different character thereby rewarding her for her bad behavior.   

And that’s just within the induvial episodes themselves; there’s also broken narrative promises through out the overall story arc; like...

no justice/redemption for Lady Caine, 

no acknowledgment that the Saporians are the victims of colonization

no conclusion regarding Corona’s murky past

no satisfying ending to Varian’s plot that sees everyone in involve grow

a poor copout of an explanation for Cassandra’s face/heel turn

The Dark Prince reveal going nowhere 

The Brotherhood being put on a bus 

King Frederic, or any royal, not being held accountable for their past actions 

Lance’s new found responsibilities just being thrown away for the tenth time 

The Disciples plot being being dropped 

next to nothing in season two winds up being relevant 

And Rapunzel, the protagonist of a coming of age story, fails to learn anything at all 

I could probably go on but you get the gist. Tangled is incredibly frustrating show to watch because doesn’t deliver what it promises. You’re not being clever by ‘subverting audiences expectations’ unless you can justify your narrative decisions with previous set up. Tangled is too lazy to build proper set ups so it’s ‘twists’ leave you wanting to punch things rather then impressing you. 

Character Assassinations 

Every single character in Tangled the Series gets thrown under a bus, driven off a cliff, and then allowed to drown in the ocean of their completely unaware self-congratulatory smugness.  

Rapunzel is turned into a bully

Cassandra is given the idiot ball to hold permanently 

The King and Queen are lobotomized

Quinin gets replaced by a robot  

The rest of the Brotherhood are pale shadows of what they could have been 

Edmund is transformed from tragic complex figure into a dumb jerkoff who abuses his kid for a laugh 

Zhan Tiri, once an ancient demon warlock, is reduced to a floating impotent ghost girl 

The Saporians become poor hipster parodies

Cap is put on a bus

Any villain who isn’t Cass is gets ignored

Lance is infantilized to the point of absurdity

Eugene becomes a doormat 

and poor Varian is forced to become a complacent victim to his abusers as oppose to being allowed to keeping his dignity 

I think the only person who escapes this mass murder of characterization is freaking Calliope, and she’s hasn’t even appeared yet! (Well okay her and Trevor, maybe) 

This all ties back into the poorly defined conflict and failed narrative promises. Rather than let the characters drive the story, they’ve become puppets to the plot, and plot is really stupid and forced, and circles back in on itself and is full of contradictions. 

Manipulating the Audience’s Empathy to Do the Work for the Writers  

The reason why the creators believe they can get away with such poor characterization and lazy writing is because they expect the audience to do all the heavy lifting for them.  

Cass isn’t given an on screen reason for what she does because they’re hoping her fans will just automatically excuse her because they like her/relate to her and not, you know, get mad at the writers for dumbing her down. And after all who doesn’t love the creator’s pet? Meanies! That’s who! 

No one calls out Rapunzel’s bullshit on screen, because if everyone likes her, then you, viewing audience, should too. Because if you have any sort of independent critical thinking abilities and a sense of right and wrong then clearly you’re ‘just a hater’. 

Everyone should just shut up and be satisfied that Varian is even on screen now and be grateful for the scraps that they get cause he’s not the real point of the show and according to Chris ‘Varian fans aren’t real fans’. Even though they make up most of his viewing audience. 

I could go on, but it’s just variations of the above. The writing in this series is very fond of gaslighting the audience and trying to trick them into justifying the absolute worst behaviors while desperately hoping they doesn’t noticed the continued downgrading and dismissal of characters they do like or once liked.  

And the sad thing is, it’s worked. There are people to this day that still try to justify this show’s shitty morals and bend over backwards to excuse the likes of Rapunzel, Frederic, Cassandra, and Edmund.  Worst, there are loud sections of the fandom, (usually on twitter) who think bullying is okay and follow in Chris and his characters footsteps. Most of them young impressionable girls who are now ripe for TREFS to indoctrinate because they use the same bullying tactics and excuses for authoritarianism. 

Media does effect reality, but not in the way purists and antis would have you believe. No one is going to become a violent manic from playing a video game nor a sex offender because they read a smut fic. But they very much will conform to toxic beliefs if it’s repeated enough at them by authorities they ‘trust’; like say the world wide leading company known for family entertainment and children’s media, and the ‘friends’ they find within the fandom for said company... 

I’m not saying you can’t enjoy Tangled the series or that you’re some how wrong for liking it’s characters, nor do you have to engage with every or any criticism thrown it’s way. But yes you need to think about the media you consume on some level and valid criticism is very much important to the fandom experience for precisely the above reasons. 

Conclusion    

This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg of what’s wrong with this show, but it is most of its biggest problems laid bare. Anything that haven’t covered here or in the past recaps will be explored in the final recap. Cause this is it folks; the last leg of the journey for this retrospective. When come back, hopefully next week, we’ll tackle Pascal’s Dragon.  

[extravaguk]

santa&prada

part of my opposites attract! series. 

ksj / knj / myg / jhs / kth / jjk

pairing: rich!jimin x reader

summary: Yeah, Park Jimin most likely didn't even realize he was being a rude and disrespectful son of a bitch.

wordcount: 5k

genre: smut - angst(? - fluff (? idk u tell me

rated: m 

warnings: a christmas fic in late november, cursing, a huge misunderstanding lmao, i call jimin ‘park jimin’ too many times bc i felt like it, car sex, oral (f recieving), some good ole spanking, (kinda) rough and unprotected sex, a lil of dirty talk, spit kink. thats about it. just an excuse to write jimin fucking you in a car. jimin is not as bad as oc thinks srsly.

The first time you meet Park Jimin is through mutual friends. On a firday night on December, with white, red and green lights decorating the streets of New York, filled with the typical hustle of the masses doing last minute Christmas shopping, the freezing weather impacting your body temperature, cursing yourself for choosing tights, a skirt and heeled boots that are too pretty but too uncomfortable to wear.

You had never considered yourself a particular enthusiast of Christmas festivities. You guess discovering Santa Claus was, actually, your parents before the rest of the kids in your class was one of the many reasons that made you grow up too soon and therefore, not allowing you to fully enjoy the month of December. Or maybe it had nothing to do with Santa, and more to do with your parents deciding to get a divorce a day before Christmas Eve. A traumatic event for seven year old you, but completely forgotten and overcome by twenty-four year old present you.

Growing up each Christmas suffering the consecuences of a shared custody would have probably had a disastrous effect on anybody else, but not you. Although the separation was a tough reality to accept at first, fortunately your parents were always capable of raising you in an environment full of love and affection, just like any other kid. And you prided yourself on having moved on from those circumstances a long time ago (even if your therapist disagreed and blamed many of your behaviors on it. Whatever.)

To put it simply, December was just not the month for you. It was just another month, like the remaining eleven of the year, except Mariah Carey's voice was heard every five minutes everywhere you'd go and people gave each other presents as if it was only during that time of the year when they remembered their loved ones. 

The only thing you could thank Christmas for were the well deserved two weeks of holidays our work allowed until the new year's arrival. Fifteen days of rest, peace and baking those gingerbread cookies that Seokjin died for and that you sincerely denoted as nauseating.

You truly had no idea what exactly you did wrong that night. You don't know if it was something you said, or something you did, but what you did know was that Park Jimin pursued a silent and personal vendetta against you that continued nowadays.

"Here are your disgusting cookies, you filthy animal." it might have been that very first sentence you said when you entered the bar and reunited with your friends that didn't cause a good impression. "Shit, it's cold as fuck. My nipples are harder than my life." or maybe it was your selection of words while you waved every familiar face hello until you stopped to look at the only (pretty. too pretty, as well) one you had never seen before.

"_____, it's Chrismtas! Santa Clause will only bring you a lump of coal if you keep cursing like that!" Lisa laughed while she kissed your cheek and made space for you to sit next to her. "Oh, by the way, this is Jimin. A friend of Namjoon. He's a newbie!"

Park Jimin was stunning, you had no trouble admitting that. You weren't blind, you weren't stupid, and you could go as far as theorize that his dark eyes, his light and always immaculate styled hair, his sharp jawline and those plump lips as red as cherries must have been sculpted by Satan himself.

Fuck, you were even sure you'd be on your knees in front of Park Jimin in an alternative universe begging for his dick inside your mouth. But in the universe where you and the real Park Jimin reside, he would never come near you unless somebody was aiming a gun into his skull.

You're not precisely sure what it was, but a brief exchange of glances and an evasive and sligh shake of hands with Park Jimin was enough to make you feel ashamed and withdrawn for the rest of the night.

If Jimin wasn't even able to drop a polite "Nice to meet you", he sure as hell wasn't able to pretend you even existed.

Even the small talk you had tried to engaged with him about his shiny pair of shoes went terribly wrong.

"Oh, are those Dolce and Gabbana?"

"Dolce and Gabbana are homphobic, racist and sexist, so no" the grimace on his face should've been enough to make you regret speaking to him in the first place , but the snarky voice of his made you want to run away and hide from him until next Christmas.

In reality, you swore you didn't care. Seriously. Other's opinions were never something that could easily bother you or keep you awake at night. You had always turned a deaf ear to the cruel children that made fun of you due to your parent's divorce, you had always ignored the amount of men that never considered you "ladylike" enough (what the fuck did that even mean, anyway? what exactly made a lady and what didn't?), and you had always disregarded any envous comment surrounding you.

So, fuck Park Jimin! You had said to yourself. He's just a well mannered rich boy. Somebody who didn't resemble you in any aspect. A stupid, pretentious, spoiled boy who's had everything he's ever wanted in the palm of his hand, unlike you. Who the fuck cares what Park Jimin thinks? 

But apparently, you did. 

You would have never placed such importance to whatever it was that roamed inside Jimin's head if his appearances in your group of friends hadn't been so recurrent.

Because each time you were forced to see Jimin's face, you were also forced to experience a strange knot of discomfort and humilliation growing in your stomach in his mere presence. It's not like Jimin did anything specific to make you feel that way. He might not even do it on purpose, or his intentions might not be entirely evil. Maybe he simply didn't realize how he always avoided being by your side like the plague, or how his body immediately tensed and he balled his hands into fists everytime you were less than two feet away from him, or how he would look at you from the corner of his eye everytime you decided you speak, almost as if he was waiting for you to shut up to finally let out the air he was containing inside his lungs in relief.

Yeah, Park Jimin most likely didn't even realize he was being a rude and disrespectful son of a bitch.

And with time, you couldn't help but attribute that disdain and hostility that Park Jimin always directed at you to the many undeniable differences that constituted each of you. Park Jimin, with his impeccable and always well ironed Prada shirts, his spotless trousers, jewelry that probably costed more than three of your annual salaries, and always emanating that Givenchy fragance that screamed "wealth!" every rare occasion you could experiment his presence next to you. Exactly two years after that first meeting with Park Jimin, you hadn't been able to avoid reciprocating that feeling of contempt towards him. Not when you were the only victim of his arrogance. Everybody loved Park Jimin, and Park Jimin loved everyone. 

Except you.

Clinging to your glass of Don Pérignon and finishing the rest of the liquid in one go, you try to snap out of your own thoughts, reminding yourself to return to the conversation you're currently having with Taehyung about a pretty waitress that he's met during one of his art exhibitions (or at least that's what you think you caught him say) and forcing yourself by all means to stop observing the friendly and kind smiles that Park Jimin was shooting to those present from across the room and that you will never be able to achieve. 

"_____? Are you even listening to me, darling?" Taehyung's voice is what makes you finally look away from the dumb blond standing on the opposite side of the room, blinking a few times before clearing your throat. 

"Sorry, Tae." letting out a sigh, you try to brush back and put in place the strand of hair that escaped the intricate hairdo you had tried and so miserably failed to do yourself to try to fit in and hopefully impress such environment of preppy and privilaged people (ahem, Park Jimin)  falling on your forehead as best as you can. "Just been really stressed this week and I'm on another planet. You know how I feel about Christmas. I think I need a new flute of . Or five."

Taehyung sends you a look full of empathy and places one of his hands in your shoulder, squeezing lightly in a comforting way. "I'll get you another one. I'll be right back." You quickly interrupt him though, to prevent him from standing up before you.

"No, really. I'll go. I need some fresh air anyways, if you don't mind." And of course Taehyung doesn't mind, so you get on your feet as graceously as your tipsy state allowed you to (who told you it was a good idea to drink three glasses in less than thirty minutes of the extremely expensive champagne Taehyung had brought to the Christmas party he had organized and why did it convince you it would appease your anxiey?) and make your way towards the table where the rest of the bottles are. A table dangerously close to the conversation Jimin and that friend of Lisa (whose name you don't remember) were having.

Both are with their backs turned and, honestly, you take a silent moment to thank God or whatever is up there because the last thing you need right now is yet another awkward interaction with Jimin, so you try as best as you can to refill your glass of champagne to get out of there as soon as possible, praying to make your exit going unnoticed.

But no. Because the stars and the universe loved to align to make you suffer! They love to play with your karma and they love making you damn that one day you didn't help that lady cross the street. They love making you regret buying those plastic straws. They love making you feel guilty for hacking your neighbour's Wifi when you run out of money to pay for yours. Because the moment you try to take a hold of the bottle in your hands, it slips out of your grasp, and you're watching in slow motion how the sparkling berverage ends up spilling all over the extremely expensive (or so you assume. Balenciaga maybe) suit pants Park Jimin decided to wear that night.

Everything is kind of blurry and you can't even hear anything. You can only watch as Park Jimin turns around, lips parted and eyebrows furrowed, until his eyes find you, the bane of his existance and immediately recognizing the culprit of his now drenched piece of clothing. And you can watch as, once again, his gaze turns almost black and narrow lightly as to reprimend you for what you've caused. But of course he doesn't say a word. He has nothing to say. He doesn't even look surprised. No. Because obviously, Park Jimin knew that if there was somebody in this room willing to ruin his night, it would be you, and only you.

"Shit!" you're the first one to break the strained silence, but that only makes Jimin flinch. "Shit, shit, shit. I'm so fucking dumb! J-Jimin, I'm so sorry, let me just go grab a paper tow-"

"Don't." his voice cuts through you. Literally cuts through you. Because it's not often that Park Jimin decides to aim his words at you, but everytime he does it holds the same frigid tone. Like knives trying to painfully stab your being. "Just, don't."

In reality, you don't know a lot of things and you don't know what causes what happens next. You don't know if it's the specific time of the year, you don't know if it's your internal stress, or if it's Park Jimin, his voice, or the fact that he will never like you. But it's instant. They way something compresses your chest, and suddenly your eyes are not glaced by the alcohol but by something wet that threatens to flow. You would never admit to anyone they're tears.

So, shutting your mouth and swallowing the uncomfortable feeling of anguish in your throat, leaving your flute forgotten on the table and grabbing the bottle instead. Without saying a word, your feet start moving up the stairs of the ridiculously enourmous house Taehyung owns towards the first free and empty balcony you can find. Free of people and free of Park Jimin.

Closing the large window behind you, you allow yourself to close your eyes and take a deep breath; the icy temperature outside immediately welcoming you. Although the hairs on your arm stand up and you know you're probably going to catch a cold (because the dress you've chosen for the dinner is not at all appropiate for such winter climate), at least the tension in your body seems to disappear while oxygen keeps that ugly feeling in your heart at bay from continuing to choke you.

With shaky hands, you take a big gulp straight from the champagne bottle. Fuck Park Jimin. No man will ever have the power to make you feel what you're feeling right now.  Fuck Park Jimin. And fuck his beautiful face and his ability to make you tremble and fear looking like an idiot. Fuck his fancy clothes and his perfect manicured hands and his marvelous but frigthening presence. 

Knock knock.

The sound makes you jump back from the window, hand grasping your chest while you turn around, coming face to face with the man in question.  Your first instinct is to ignore him. But that thought is already out of the way when it's him the one who struggles with the window lock before opening and taking a step towards you. You step back as he steps in, raising your head up high and puffing your chest. Because your second instinct is to tell Park Jimin to go fuck himself.

"_____, I would like to-"

"You would like to what?" Jimin looks taken aback at your harshness. Alcohol has always been a weapon of mass destruction in your system, provoking words to flow too easily and without filter out of your mouth, more than they already do when you're sober. Especially when it's mixed with the frustration you've been harboring inside of you for two years. That's why when the words start to come out, they won't stop. "To make me feel like shit one more time? To look at me with that fucking conceited face trying to make me feel like you're better than me? Or would you like to ignore me once again as you always do everytime we're in the same fucking room to make sure I know you hate my mere existance, even if it's just the two of us right now?"

The steam leaving your lips due to the accelerated beat of your heart blurs his face for an instant while he looks at you dumbfounded. The silence and his expression makes you scoff, an acidic smile adorning your face while you take another sip of your drink because even with such a stupid face, he still looks delectable with his white shirt and ruined pants. You turn around, removing a tear that you hadn't even realized had fallen during your speech and that, frankly, you were hoping he hadn't either. You would blame it on the cold, anyway.

This time, a gust of wind running through you from head to toe, making you forget of Park Jimin's presence looming behind you, reminding you it's still December and the fabric of your dress is doing nothing to conceal you from the cold.

But before you can do anything about it and blame yourself for being dumb and not taking your coat with you before deciding to step into balcony, Park Jimin surprises you once again, this time by placing his navy blue blazer over the naked skin of your arms.

Your back straightens when you feel his warm breath caressing the back of your neck, at the same time that a voice you have never heard Park Jimin use with you echoes in your ears.

"I really don't hate you, _____. I..." Jimin wets his lips. His body trembles, but it's not due to lacking his own coat, while his brain hurriedly searches for words eloquent and adequate enough to explain voice his thoughts. "I like you very much, _____."

Scoffing again while you shake your head, you push down with all your inner strenght the incipent fluttering of butterflies in your stomach that Jimin has managed to cause in just a matter of seconds. It's probably the longest sentence you've heard from him in two years, and you don't exactly understand why your body is reacting the way it is. But you're also not willing to give Park Jimin the satisfaction of knowing that. He doesn't deserve it anyway. So with all the courage you can muster, you turn around with your hands clenching.

And even though being at such short distance from Jimin is a bit overwhelming and unexpected for you, the irritation still making your blood bubble is enough to not let a man as handsome as him derail you from your current circumstances.

"Well, fuck you Park Jimin. You certainly have a funny fucking way to sh-" his hands cradling your jaw that pull you closer to him and his lips that silent you roughly, but with surprising care. Only for a moment. A moment in which your body betrays you and make you melt into hir warmth. But his voice, low and sinfully husky, murmurs against your lips. 

"God, that mouth of yours..." he goes back to attacking your own lips, this time more firm than before, snatching a sigh from you. The sound has his tongue asking for permission into your mouth, and with your body betraying you once again, you part your lips to allow him in. It's him who whimpers this time, while one of his hand moving until it reaches the bottle in your hand and letting it drop carelessly onto the floor, ignoring the sound of glass shattering and the future scolding you'll get from Taehyung. Instead, he sneaks that same hand on your waist, pulling your body flush against his, fingers digging onto your skin. "It's been driving me crazy for two years. Two years, _____."

He mumbles between kisses and swipes his tongue against yours, while he stars walking the both of you until your back meets the nearest concrete wall. 

"Two years of having to hear the incessant filthy words that leave your mouth..." his own stop their movements and you catch yourself before begging him to reattaching his lips to yours, enjoying instead the path of wet kisses and bruises his lips traile from your chin to the pulse of your neck "...and trying my best to hide the painful boners I get whenever you're nearby." 

With your eyes shut, your hands are back in motion, ignoring the voice in your head reminding you he's still an asshole and finding their way between Jimin's soft golden strands of hair. He hums in appreciation, sending goosebumps all over your body. "So, s-so why not do anything about it sooner?" you say, suddenly finding it difficult to breathe properly.

You feel Jimin's body tensing before you and he ceases the movement of his lips against your neck. Breaking away, your heart stops, afraid you might have ruined the moment. But Jimin's in search of your eyes, eyebrows very lighlty raised, the intensity of his gaze pinning you in place. You don't know for how long you stare at each other until Jimin comes out of the trance, eyes descending over your flushed cheeks, the very same color as your lips and the soft flesh of your neck until they reach your cleavage, the glimmering fabric encasing your breasts, taunting him the same way they had been doing all night long.

"You scare me so much..." and then, one of his hands repeats the same journey his eyes just did, until he touches your shoulder, right under his own blazer. "Everytime I look at you, all I can think of why the hell a girl as real as you like you would even glance my way." he slides the strap of your dress slowly tentatively, just enough for you to stop his advances if you chose so. You don't. "You're smart in ways I could never compare, so funny it makes me jealous, and so pretty it leaves me speechless. You're...You're everything I'm not."

His voice resonates in the atmosphere, and you would love to blame it on the cold again for how your body has reacted, but your body heat has increased so much since he started kissing you that it would be stupid not to admit that it's just the effect that Park Jimin has on you tonight. You're sure he would've had the same effect if it had happened before.

Your now uncovered breast doesn't even has to suffer the consequences of the icy wind, because one of Jimin's arms quickly comes around you to hold your body against his, lifting you ever so slighty until your erect nipple is at the same level as his mouth and his lips are enveloping it in their warmth. You gasp his name, and that encourages his teeth to tug softly before his tongue stars moving in circes. 

"My God, you're so perfect." Your head spins while you hold onto his shoulders as tight as you can, the undeniable heat roaming all over your form, hips involuntarily rutting his incipent erection poking your abdomen. "Been thinking about this since that night we first met." Looking for relief, Jimin mirrors your movements without ceasing the administrations on your chest, as one of his hands lifts one of your thighs to wrap around his waist, closing the short gap remaining between the both of you. 

"Ohmygod! F-fuck, Jimin," trying to form coherent phrases is almost impossible, not with Jimin finding a slow and tortuous rythm with his hips, his clothed cock rubbing against your core. Something shifts in the air, because Jimin stops abusing your nipple with a loud pop, and shuts you up by pressing his mouth onto yours in an urgent, dirty and desperate kiss. You could almost hear him swearing, while his hand keeps your jaw in place.

"S-stop talking like that, ______." his voice, inaudible, and his face now hiding in the crook of your neck, the thrusting of his hips speeding up, more and more frantic this time. The hand not holding your thigh against his hipbone reveals your other breast, hand covering it and giving it a light squeeze before tugging at your unattended nipple between his forefinger and his thumb while his tongue and teeth mark the skin on your neck. 

"Hell, I've been dying to stuff your mouth with my cock to prevent you from such foul language," the soft whimpers leacving your mouth coax him into taking the hem of your dress and bunching the fabric until his fingers easily find the place in your body calling to him the most through the lace.  It's immediate, how his fingers dampen at the first touch, surprising the both of you, and how your body jolts and an embarrassing sob escapes your throat. "How-how are you this wet? Holy hell, I could just slide right in..."

And as he says that, one of his fingers pull aside the fabric of your underwear and glide into you, so easy. You insides burning while he fingers you, another finger being added with his thumb rubbing circles on your nub. And fuck, you're not sure if you're just too horny and Park Jimin is a magician with his hands, or maybe it's the way he keeps mouthing at your chest and whispering how soaked you are, but you don't think you've ever been so close to cumming in such a short period of time.

"W-whats stopping you?" you manage with a voice that doesn't even resembles yours, but before your hands can even make work of the zipper of his trousers, he pulls his finger out from your center, causing you to whine in protest.

Jimin licks his lips, eyebrows framing the dark expression that his eyes ooze. Although the desire in his eyes is more than evident, it is also evident the faint hesitation in them. Because Park Jimin doesn't do things this way. Park Jimin was raised in a world of correct manners and conservationism. A world that has taught him when and how to act. And as badly as he is dying to fuck you against the wall of Taehyung's ridiculously inmense house, he also wants to do the right thing. 

"Let me take you on a date." 

Park Jimin has been spoiled his whole life. Being born in a well-off family has always provided him of everything he had ever wanted and more. From the innecessary number of toys Santa Claus left under his Christmas tree every year since he was a baby, to his fisrt extravagant sports car at the age of eighteen. Park Jimin has never been a greedy or needy man. How could he, when he's had everything he's ever wished in the palm of his hands. He has never missed anything in his entire life. Hasn't missed a roof over his head, warm food on his plate or brand new designers clothes each week. 

It has taken him two years to control himself. He still remembers that night he first met you, just like he remembers every single time you both had coincided in the same place at the same time. He remembered your scent, had memorized your figure over your pieces of clothing and had tried as best as he could to keep a distance from you because he knew you would never give him the time of day. How could you? You probably despised everything he was because he was definitely nothing like you, and that thought intimidated the fuck out of him. He was a mess everytime you wear nearby. Never relied on his voice because he knew he would stutter if you ever spoke to him, could never trust his eyes because if he ever looked at you he was afraid he wouldn't be able to look away. 

And everytime you spoke, shit, that voice of yours always cursing here and there left him wondering how would you sound in a different setting and if you would still be that badmouthed. More specifically, between his sheets. So he did everything he could to minimize your interactions as much as possible. He just never thought he would come across as such a jerk. It was never his intention to hurt you, and seeing you cry that night (although you denied you did, over and over again) seriously made him realize he wanted to make things right. 

He was trying really, really hard to keep it in his pants, to be the same well composed and controled Park Jimin he had mastered himself to be. 

But that damn dress.

After seeing that little black dress hugging your figure when you started taking off your coat at the restaurant, the brief flash of thigh tights that you accidentaly (or not so accidentally) had blessed him with by crossing a leg over the other, that exposed collarbone calling his name and those heeled sandals with straps wrapping around your ankles, reminding him of the snake tempting Eve, Park Jimin was sure he needed to dig into that apple more than anything he has ever needed before.

That's why he surprises you right after you both finish the second course meal by telling the waitress you won't be having desert, at which you look at him somewhat indignant. But the look he shoots you is enough to make you understand if somebody was going to have desert tonight, it would be him. In his Mercedes. 

"I'm gonna-" you gasp, fingers tugging at the soft strands of his now ruined blond hair, his head between your thighs and your legs thrown over his shoulders. His hands have a grip of the meaty flesh of your ass, holding you firmly againt his mouth as it works wonders on your clit. You're sure it hasn't even been ten minutes since Jimin had opened your legs in the backseat of his car, not even bothering to take your underwear off, simply moving the fabric aside before diving in, and you already feel yourself on the edge of an orgasm.

"I know." voice vibrating right into your core, he slows down his administrations, tongue carefully and delicately lapping at your folds while he enjoys the feeling of your fingers loosening their grip and fondly brushing his hair back. You meet his eyes as he pushes a finger inside your core and your whole body twists in agony. 

"N-no!" 

Jimin stops immediately, lifting his head and focusing his concerned eyes on you. He's about to ask you if he's done anything wrong, but you're fast to roughly pull him up by his hair until his face is leveled with yours. You answer him by kissing him and he returns the kiss with the same eagerness, and now it's your hands that are looking for his cock, palming him through his pants.

"Your dick. Inside. Right Now." you punctuate each phrase with a kiss and he only stops kissing you to pout.

"But I wanted you to cum on my tongue." but still, he's putty in your hands when you undo the botton and the zipper. "Wouldn't you rather me fucking you in my bed, where we're more comfortable?" you notice the slight quivering of his voice when you slide his trousers and boxers down, just enough to pull him out. 

"You can eat me and fuck me as many times as you want tonight, tomorrow and whenever you'd like, but right now..." none of you contain the moan in unision that leaves each of your mouths when just the head of his lenght comes in contact with your entrance. "I really can't wait anymore." brushing your lips over his, you lower your voice. "Wanna get on my hands and knees for you."

Park Jimin has tried to do things the right and appropiate way throughout all his life. He's been a professional from a very young age on how to be in charge of his emotions, his desires and his impulses. Always well mannered and well composed. 

But it's in this moment that Jimin comes to the realization that the only thing that has ever made him lose his mind and self control, is you. Seeing you like this, ass up, grinding your drenched and still thong clad cunt all over his precum dripping lenght, he can't control the way his hand bunches the fabrick of that damn dress over your waist, then flies to your right cheek, a sharp sound of skin filling the air, tearing a gasp from your throat.

"God, I'm-I'm sorry. Couldn't help mys-"

"Do it again."

And he does, the palm of his hand now leaving a reddenning print on your flesh, making you jolt back involuntarily, aligning yourself to the head of his cock and like he had hoped, he slides right in. Not all the way, because Jimin is sure he would cream inside you too soon and he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he did. He wets his lips, clenching his jaw and dropping his palm one more time, hand more steady and purposeful. 

"You like it rough?" voice hoarse and a hand beside your head holding himself, your back to his chest, twitching beneath him as he soothes the sting with his free one. 

"I like you rough." turning your head slowly to peer at him from the corner of your eye, your hips moving on their own accord trying to take him deeper. Your head is suddenly pulled back harshly, Jimin's fingers tangling in your hair as his own hips close the remaining gap between your bodys in an abrupt thurst. You squeal, Jimin's cock finally filling you up to the hilt just like you wanted him to be, the pleasure making your arms wobble and finding it harder to mantain your balance. 

Jimin's breath fawns over your ear, his tongue darting out to suck on your skin sending chills down your spine. "You're such a dream." he groans, torturously sliding out of your core that's gripping around his shaft for dear life. A whine of protest escapes your lips and he tightens the hold on your hair in response, diving right back in. You fall forward, your arms' strenght betraying you as his thrusts find a new rhythm. With your eyes closed shut, you try to muffle the sound of your voice with the back of your hand as Jimin's lips place soft kisses to your exposed shoulder.

"Don't be quiet." he stands straight, the pull on your hair arching your back in such a enticing way it was Jimin look away for a second, cock buried inside of you and his hips faltering. "Been dying to have you like this for so long."

Another clap of his hand against your right cheek, and a particular stroke of his dick that has you mewling as your climax approached again. "S-so good, Jimin. Oh my god."

"You're gonna cum for me?" his fingertips leave bruises on your skin and the windows of his Mercedes are foggy, just like your mind. You can't concentrate on anything that's not Jimin's cock sliding in and out and how much you wished this had happened way sooner. "Gonna cum for me like a good slut?"

Park Jimin always takes his time. Always does things nice and slow to assure the best outcome possible. 

But he can't contain the acceleration of his hips against yours as your walls clench impossibly tight around his cock, your orgasm finally taking over . Can't contain himself from falling forward again, hand twisting your head in his direction and his mouth searching for yours in a fiery and messy kiss. And he most definitely can't barely contain himself from cumming when your you ask him to spit in your mouth. 

"You're gonna kill me." he breathes, removing himself off you and quickly maneuvering you on your back, his dick finding its way back inside you. Picking up right where he left off, skin slapping against skin in an obscene melody, he collects a considerate amount of saliva in his mouth before dropping it into your welcoming tongue, watching you swallow with a smile he hopes he'll be the only one to see in the future. 

And that's what has the last bit of his self restraint slipping from his fingers. He somehow manages to rip the top of your dress down, fabric tearing until your tits are free and his mouth is attacking your nipples, white strings of his release panting your walls, some of it them oozing out that he fucks back right into you. 

It's between ragged breaths, kisses and tender carresses that Jimin promises you more dates in the future and new dresses that he can't promise not to savage apart again.

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

Take My Hand (Part Four)

Summary: doing what you think is best for another person never ends well (four of ??? parts - more parts to come!) 

Pairings: Sonny Carisi x Reader, Rafael Barba x Reader 

Word Count: 7,579

Song: I don't like slow motion, double vision in rose blush / I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush (gold rush by taylor swift) 

Warnings: T, lots of angst, but a happy ending? 

A/N: thank you to all of you for reading, your comments and reblogs have kept me going! thank you to @laneygthememequeen​ and @bucky-of-the-opera​ for being the best beta readers!! 

“Rafael, you don’t have to leave—” Sonny crossed his arms, as Rafael raised an eyebrow at him over his drink, sipping at his scotch mournfully, “McCoy said you could still work—” 

“You know a lawyer’s reputation is everything, Carisi,” he swirled what remained of his drink in his glass, “it’s our main commodity, and mine has been taken out back and shot — by my own hand,” he downs the rest of the drink, “besides,” he sighs, “there’s nothing left for me here.” 

Sonny frowns, sipping at his own drink, “What’re gonna do next?” Rafael shrugs, “I think I’ll broaden my horizons— this is the first time since before law school that I haven’t had a plan for my life — it’s just wide open.” 

“And that’s?” 

“Terrifying, surprising — I never thought I’d have to start over at this point in my career, but,” he leans against the counter, “it’s a change,” and then he looks over at Sonny, “and what about you?” 

He furrows his brow, “What about me?” 

“Are you going to apply for the opening in the D.A.’s office?” Sonny nearly chokes on his drink, “come on, Carisi, you’re more than qualified.” 

He shakes his head, “I don’t know — I’m not sure if I’m ready for that change quite yet, besides,” he shifts in his seat, “I heard from Liv that McCoy has someone else in mind for the job.” 

“Stone?” Rafael asks, and Sonny tilts his head, “I may not be in that office, but it doesn’t change the fact that it leaks like a rusty faucet.” 

“If you know that—” 

“Sonny, a piece of advice,” Rafael turns to face him, one elbow on the counter, “no one job is forever — Stone may last a while, he may not — but get your name in the ring at least because the next time the position is open, they’ll look to you—” 

“But—” 

“You have been part of the squad, you’ve seen these cases for years, you’re an officer and you have the education to back it up,” he pulls his wallet out, waving off Carisi, and placing a few bills on the counter, “Look, you went to law school for a reason right? If you keep making excuses, you won’t be able to do the good you could do.” 

Sonny knew, he knew that he should but— “I’m just afraid that I won’t be able to handle it,” 

Rafael raises an eyebrow, “You are a detective in one of the toughest units in the NYPD and you went to law school at the same time — I think you’ll be fine.” 

Sonny blinks, trying to hide his smile, “Thank you — for everything. I’ve appreciated you mentoring me these past years.” 

Rafael gives a small chuckle at that, “You shouldn’t be thanking me,” 

Sonny tilts his head, “Then who should I be thanking?” 

Your name leaves his lips, and Sonny frowns, “I didn’t really want to mentor you, but with some encouragement, well—” he shrugs, “my point is there’s no need to thanks, at least not me.” 

A sentence burns on his tongue, hot as the anger sitting on his chest, and I should thank the person who cut me out of their life without any to-do? But Sonny doesn’t say that, he only smiles — as always. 

He didn’t want to admit how much it hurt when you left. When you didn’t say goodbye. When you quit without warning. When you left him with nothing but a note and no explanation, only the feeling of your lips on his. 

But it did hurt.

Especially because he didn’t know if it was because of him. He didn’t presume himself to be that important in your life — and maybe he wasn’t with how easily you had removed yourself from his life — but what other explanation was there really? 

“I should go,” Rafael slips off the stool, pulling his coat on, and he holds out his hand to Sonny, “I hope to see you again sometime, Detective,” 

Sonny offers a smile, shaking his hand, “Counselor, I expect to hear things about what you do next.” 

“Same to you — your name is associated with me, I can't have you sullying it, now can I?” but then he grimaces, shrugging, “well, at least the bar is low.” 

“Bye, Rafael,” and he nods, disappearing out the door, and Sonny straightens his coat, walking towards the door, before glancing at the bar stool you had sat at the night he picked you up — so much had changed and in so little time. 

“How long has it been, Jack?” you skip the handshake for a hug, sliding into the booth across from him. 

“Far too long,” he sighs, already had ordered his own food, “I heard about the stir you’re making in the Bronx,” he splits his chopsticks, dousing in his food in a very modest amount of sriracha, as you raise a questioning eyebrow at his remark, “The Brown case — I heard an earful from the Bronx D.A. about that case.” 

You shake your head, ordering yourself a soda, “It was his fault that he didn’t have proper chain of custody on that evidence—” 

“I know,” Jack nods, “it was a good catch.” 

“Thank you,” you smile, pleased with yourself, “although I suspect this isn’t just for you to compliment me on my exceptional work.” 

“Developed an ego at No-Go?” you roll your eyes at his “loving” nickname for your firm, Noble-Gordon LLP, before shrugging, “you know you could start your own practice and make more money.” 

“I could, but I also wouldn’t get some control over where their pro bono hours go,” you order your food, stirring your drink with a straw, “now what do you want McCoy? And then I can bore you with the details of my life plan.” 

Jack smiles, “Always straight to the point, huh, counselor?” he leans back, “what do you think of Detective Carisi?” 

You furrow your brow, “Sonny? Is something—” 

“Nothing is wrong,” Jack waved you off, “but what was your opinion of him?” 

You tilt your head, “As what? Detective, a barred attorney, or person?” 

Jack raises an eyebrow, “Let’s start with detective, and then we’ll get to the other two,” 

You pause — how could you describe Sonny? “When he first started, I didn’t know what to think of Sonny — he was eager to learn, but green,” you suppress a snort at the thought of him the unfortunate incidents of him pestering victims and suspects alike, “but despite that, he was always willing to learn, quick on his feet. He was good with the victims, maybe not at first, but he’s a seasoned detective now, and I have confidence in his skills.” 

“And as an attorney?” 

“Well, I never was around to see him get barred,” and you feel a twinge of guilt crawl up your throat — you had promised to help him study, promised to help him celebrate — you didn’t do either, “but when he applied his legal knowledge to cases we worked on together and while shadowing at the Manhattan office, he showed aptitude, skill, and passion.” 

“And as a person?” 

You smile softly, “Sonny is kind, to a fault, but he’s practical, he knows there are grays to S.V.U. cases — he’s seen them firsthand. He knows how to handle tough cases, while having the empathy to handle victims,” Jack nods, sipping at his drink, “now I assume you’re asking for a reason?” 

“Stone resigned,” Jack sighs, “effective immediately — and we’re looking for someone to get their foot in the door — quick.” 

“Peter? What—” 

“It wasn’t the right fit,” he shook his head, “he’s landing on his feet — don’t worry.” 

You frowned, you didn’t know Peter personally, but you had heard stories of him and his father — both were legendary, “I’m sorry to hear that, but,” you tilt your head, “you’re considering Sonny for the position?” 

“Yes, and now hearing what you had to say, I think I will," and you smile, "after an interview, of course." 

"Of course," you shake your head, "I remember interviewing with you."

He raises an eyebrow, "And?" 

"I think I convinced myself you thought I was a moron, until you gave me the offer after a week," he shrugs. 

"Had to make you sweat," he purses his lips, "do you regret saying yes?" 

You glance at the bar, a frown pressing onto your lips, "I regret a lot of things," and your food arrives at the table, and you break your chopsticks, smiling, "but never that." 

You were not happy. 

You hurried up the steps of the Manhattan courthouse — steps you had hoped you wouldn’t have had to hurry up ever again — not only had this case been unceremoniously dumped on the firm with a notice of one whole day, but it had been shafted to you with a whole two hours notice after one of your junior associates called out sick. 

Sick or hungover? You couldn’t tell over from the 4:00 AM message left on your voicemail, but by the sounds of the clinking glasses in the background — they certainly didn’t have the flu.

This was not only the son of one of your firm’s biggest clients — the firm practicing not only criminal defense but also some business law matters. It was a simple case — a white first time offender on a petty marijuana possession — he would likely get no jail time, and get time served at most — with an expungement in the near future. 

But that wasn’t the problem. 

The crime was committed and the son charged in the jurisdiction of Manhattan, so that meant this was in a Manhattan courtroom, one that you hadn’t stepped into in what — two, nearly three years? 

And on top of it all, there was the matter of who the prosecutor was. A silent curse muttered under your breath as you rushed to the courtroom — and it was someone you hadn’t seen in about the same amount of time. 

Why a sex crimes prosecutor was covering for a narcotics case — you didn’t know, but you figured it was either a chance to learn the ropes in different departments or the D.A. needed someone to cover, and the new guy drew the short straw. 

Just your luck.

You stood outside the courtroom, catching your breath, your heart thumping against your ribs — and you didn’t know whether it was from the running or from the fact you were about to see Sonny again for the first time in three years after you kissed him. 

And he didn’t know you were coming. 

Fuck it, you pulled open the door, stepping inside. 

And you saw him— standing where Rafael and you once stood, his eyes first lying on his notes, but drawn to the noise of the creaking door and your footsteps against the marble floor. 

You try not to look at him. You can’t help it, as you pass him by you catch a glimmer of his reaction — shock scrawled plainly across his face, eyes widened and nearly slack jawed. 

“Your Honor, I apologize to you and to my client, ” you spare a small smile to the privileged 18-year-old, Jason Baker, beside you, before your eyes flicker over to Sonny — dress in a pressed suit, his hair slicked back, lips no longer curled in the smile he once had for you, but instead, in a thin line, “ as well as A.D.A. Carisi. I was only informed of this case this morning and I rushed here as soon as I could—” 

“Yes, I understand,” Judge Lopez nods — Lopez being a judge you had dealt with many a time on cases — tough, but always fair, a definite leftist progressive (even by New York standards),  “Do you need a moment to confer with your client?” 

“Just a moment,” you confirmed the details of the case with Jason, before nodding, “I think we’re ready to proceed.” 

The hearing went without much to-do, both of you agreeing to meet about a plea agreement to settle this case out of court. You promised your client you would meet with him after, as Sonny began to make a beeline out of the courtroom. 

You barely caught up to him, on the heels of him striding toward the elevators, jaw set, “Sonny—” 

“Counselor,” he replied coolly, and you frowned, “do you want to set a time for your client’s plea agreement?” 

“Yes, but—” the elevator dings and he steps in without another word. 

“I’ll send you and your office an email,” his smile is curt and cordial, but his words have an edge to them, “nice to see you again.” 

And the doors shut. 

So, you stare at the closed elevator doors, he was mad. 

"Can you believe—" 

Rollins sighs, leaning back against her sofa, head resting against the top, "No I can't, Carisi, just like I couldn't the first twenty times," she murmurs under her breath. 

He pauses, his jaw tight, “Am I annoying you?” 

“No, Sonny, but—” she gestures for him to sit, “you’re stressing me out with all that pacing, can you sit down?” 

Sonny collapsed into a chair, arms crossed and leg still bobbing up and down, “I always thought about what I would say when I saw—” he cuts off, “it was like no time had passed, acting like nothing had happened—” 

Amanda raises an eyebrow, “What did happen between you two?” Sonny falls silent, his eyes falling to the carpeted floor, “this is what I mean, you’re telling me half of the story and expecting me to have a reaction,” she pushes his knee, “what happened?” 

He said nothing, and Amanda sighs, “When I gave you the sweatshirt, you barely said anything, and now you’re not saying anything when you saw—” a cry breaks her sentence off, and they listen as the baby settles back down, “You know I always knew you had a thing for—” 

“I didn’t have a thing—” he cuts off when he sees her raise an eyebrow, “okay maybe I did, but it has nothing to do with this—” 

“If it doesn’t, then why are you mad?” 

“I’m mad,” his voice raises, before she shushes him, and he sighs, apologizing, “I’m angry because I didn’t get a goodbye.”  

You were gone. 

You were gone before he woke up. You were gone from S.V.U. before he came in. You were gone from your apartment when he came knocking — moved out. 

And he was only left with a note and a sweatshirt.

He continues, “I didn’t get a goodbye, but guess who recommended me for the A.D.A. position?” 

It hadn’t been long enough since the last time he had thought about you. And the last time was his interview for the A.D.A. position. 

“I’ll cut to the chase, son,” Jack said, making Sonny sit up straighter in his chair — he had spent the last forty-five minutes trying to impress Jack McCoy only for him to cut the chase now, “You know I’m not the type to mince my words, so I’ll ask you the question that really matters — why should we hire you over other candidates with more experience?” 

This was the question he was dreading — he fought the urge to tug at his collar or wipe the palms down the front of his pants. 

“Honestly, sir, I’ve thought about this question a lot, and yes, I don’t have the legal experience of some of the other candidates,” he didn’t — he had shadowing, he had done clinics, but he hadn’t practiced since being barred, “but I know S.V.U. — more than any of your candidates because I’ve seen these cases firsthand. Not only have I seen the cases, the victims, but I’ve worked with the team — I know the ins and the outs, and I’ve worked with A.D.A.s before—” he nearly flinched at the thought of you, “I know what I’m getting into — I know a lot of cases aren’t a win and I know we have to push sometimes, and I’m not afraid to do that,” he swallows, his throat dry — unable to discern the expression on Jack’s face, “You’ll have to train any candidate you have — whether they have practiced or not, especially when it comes to S.V.U., but you will have to teach one less thing, and it’s the most important one.” 

And after the longest moment, he smiles, and Sonny can barely hear what he says over his blood roaring in his ears, “I think you’re right,” 

“You do?” 

Jack laughs, “Don’t sound so surprised, Dominick,” he tilts his head, “after hearing you talk about your work in and out of the department, I thought you would have more faith in yourself.” 

And you would think that but— 

“I’ll work on that,” 

Jack smiles, clearing his throat, “Based on that and the recommendation I received from who you shadowed—” 

He frowns, “You talked to someone I shadowed?” 

When your name leaves his lips, he blinks, “Haven’t you spoken—” 

Not since leaving my apartment and disappearing, “Not in a long time,” he gives a tight smile, “How are—” 

“Doing great at Noble-Gordon as a defense attorney in the Bronx — giving the Bronx D.A. hell,” he smiles with pride, and he remembers how you had told him that McCoy had been one of your mentors, the man who had helped you become the attorney you are today — and now he was Sonny’s boss, “Better them than us, right?” 

“Sonny—” Amanda’s voice cuts through his thoughts. 

He gets to his feet again, walking towards the window, “Leaves, and then thinks to interfere in my life, doesn’t even bother to reach out, I haven’t heard a thing in years — years — but still gives me a recommendation,” he gives a bitter chuckle, “apparently our friendship meant that little.” 

Apparently he had meant that little. 

“I’m sorry, Sonny,” 

He shakes his head, “What are you sorry for?” he asks, getting to his feet — I got kissed. I got cut out. And I didn’t even get an explanation — “Nothing happened.” 

“I want jail time,” your head snaps up at the sound of Sonny’s voice, closing the door behind him, as you sat waiting in his office — the one that was next door to your old one, “at least six months.” 

“What?” No greeting, no handshake, no smile — that much you half-expected, but jail time— “it’s a first time offense, and it’s not 1980, we’re not in the war on drugs—” 

Sonny slides into his chair across from you his hands folded, “Counselor, your client isn’t an innocent school boy — he is an adult—” 

“Barely, he just turned 18—” 

“Exactly my point, he’s an adult, and—” 

“And no competent attorney would ever take that deal—” 

Sonny leans back in his seat, “Well a competent attorney would consider any deal in front of them, wouldn’t they?” 

And your eyes narrow, “My client will not accept anything more than probation with no jail time, and hell, maybe we'll even throw in drug tests in, but anything more is a disgrace to the legal system,” 

“Then I guess a jury can decide,” his jaw is set, and you see the quiet anger in his eyes — frigid as an icy lake, one that you were currently drowning in. His chair screeches as he moves to rise, and you stop him. 

“We both know this isn’t about the case, Sonny,” 

He raises an eyebrow, “Are you questioning my prosecutorial authority?” 

“Are you trying to send a barely adult first time offender to jail when it makes absolutely no sense?” he grits his teeth, “is that justice? Is that what you’ve learned in S.V.U.?” 

“I’m sorry that I’m not playing soft ball with you, counselor—” 

“I’m sorry that you’re trying to take your anger at me out on my client,” you snap, rising from the table. And it snaps him into silence, his eyes falling to his notes, brow furrowed, mouth a thin line. Your anger simmers slowly, but as you speak again, your voice is even, but tempered, “The way I see it — we have three options — one, get over yourself and let us make a reasonable plea agreement; two, I get someone else from my office to handle this; or three, we work out our issues like fucking adults and move on with this agreement,” 

His voice is quiet when he speaks, “So are we finally going to act like adults now?” 

You waver, “Sonny—” 

“After you cut me out with no explanation and left, I didn’t realize now we could act like adults,” he flips shut his leather folder, “I apologize for my behavior — maybe you’re right, someone else from your office should handle—” 

“I’m sorry,” you cut him off, and he doesn’t look up, “I’m so sorry, Sonny, I didn’t mean to—” you swallow, fuck, “I thought — I thought it would be easier after—” 

“Easier? For you or for me?” 

The truth cut deep, especially when you know it was true, “You’re right — I know, what I did,” you sigh, “It was awful — I was so embarrassed after how I treated you, after I kiss—” you break off, “I know I have a lot of things to make up for, but I want you to know that I didn’t cut you off because of anything you did — even if you know that already — it was me, I didn’t want to burden you—” 

“How did you think cutting me off wasn’t going to burden me?” his words are softer, but sharper, digging into your chest with the guilt you knew was yours only to bear, “how did you think losing one of my friends wasn’t going to— you kissed me after I picked you up, and then nothing for three years. Nothing.” 

“I wanted to call, I wanted to text—” 

“Then why didn’t you?” and you wonder if this is how a suspect felt when they were being interrogated by him, but surely his eyes weren’t nearly this glassy with emotions then, “You promised me — you promised me you would be there for me—” 

Your voice breaks, “Sonny—” 

“Do you know the hell I’ve gone through?” His voice is quiet, “do you know?” 

And you didn’t, “I don’t,” your words are quiet. “Because you’re right — it was easier, after what happened — not with you — with everything else, it was easier to cut ties and move on. It was easier to pretend none of it happened,” you admit, “but it wasn’t right — and I can’t change that. But I’m sorry,” you add, “and I know I have a lot of making up to do, if we ever can get to that point again, I would like to try.” 

His expression is inscrutable — and you know Sonny has changed, you could read him so easily before — an open book who’s pages that you had familiarized yourself with, his emotions scrawled clearly across his brow, nose, lips, and eyes. And now you could barely make out a single word. 

“Try?” 

“Try to be your friend,” you bite your lip, wringing your hands in your lap, “I missed you, Sonny, and I know I don’t have a right to say that, but I did. And seeing you has only made me realize how shitty I’ve been — please?” 

A frown pulls at his lips, and he wavers, before rising, tucking his folder into his briefcase, “Probation with weekly drug tests, and I want him do some community service—” 

“But—” 

“He’s spent years with a silver spoon in his mouth — let’s try to fix that,” and you tilt your head, hiding a smile. 

“I’ll talk to him about it,” you get up too, beginning to pack up your things even as you watch him turn to the door, “Can we discuss it over lunch? My treat.” 

He pauses, his back turned,  “I’m a little busy these next few weeks,” 

You wave him off, feeling your chest squeeze, rejection stinging — as it should, as you deserve — “Of course," nothing was that simple — trust was easy to lose, hard to get back. 

“But how about I call you?” you blink, as he looks over his shoulder, there’s a hint of a sigh in his throat, a certain sort of begrudged reluctance, but still an almost undetectable smile ghosts his lips — and you’ll take it. 

“You got it,” But it wasn’t impossible to earn trust back. Your heart swells with hope, your hand brushing as your hand moves to hold the door open — and you would get it back, one way or another. 

“Penny for your thought, counselor?” Sonny’s head snaps up, finding you standing, suit jacket slung over your arm, a smile on your lips, “I would say a dollar, but I know you took quite a pay cut compared to your old job.” 

“But I could make a buck prosecuting you for stalking,” and you scoff, looking at the table strewn with pages of briefs and yellow legal pads marked in reds, blacks and blues. It had been your fifth time running into him the last few weeks — and you had weaseled your way into conversations, though not a lunch. You were trying to earn his trust back, and you had gotten a little closer each time, but it didn’t mean it was all over and done with. 

The distrust still sat squarely in his expression — but this time it was being overwritten by something else — stress. 

You gape at him, affronted, “Forlini’s was mine before it was yours, thank you very much,” you gesture to the seat across from him, he grunts, nodding and you slide in, “I think I can settle for joint custody if you can.” 

“I’d fight ya on it, but,” he sighs, eyes flickering back to his notes, “I got my hands full already.” 

You purse your lips when you see the heaviness in his brow, “What’s wrong?” 

He gives a grim smile, “You already know what’s wrong,” 

Yes, you knew it well — your first tough case had the ability to unravel you to pieces, especially one from S.V.U., “Well, the facts aren’t any different when you’re the prosecutor versus the detective,” 

“But the job is completely different,” he shakes his head, covering his face, before wiping his palm down it, “and I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

You frown, “Have you eaten?” 

“Eating isn’t the problem,” he shoves his papers aside, a few wrinkling and falling under the booth, the legal pad slamming against the end of the booth. He squeezes his eyes shut, before relaxing, “sorry, I—” 

“No, trust me,” you catch a glimpse of the photos of one of the victims — a bruised and battered girl no older than fifteen, “I get the frustration, but you know there’s only so much you can do in these cases.” 

“I’m not doing enough,” he leans on his elbow, his fist pressed to his mouth, before resting it against his forehead, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I have my first grand jury tomorrow and I don’t even know what I’m doing.”  

“Sonny,” you resist the urge to reach out to him, “you can do this.” 

“You would say that,” he mutters, and you tilt your head,  “you recommended me for the job, McCoy told me.” 

“I didn’t recommend you — Jack was already looking at you, he asked for my opinion and I gave it,” you raise an eyebrow, “do I need to tell you now?” 

He shakes his head, “I—” 

“Sonny,” he looks up at you, “I have not an inch of doubt in your abilities — I’ve seen you grow as a detective and as a law student, and now,” you smile softly, “I’ve seen you grow as an attorney the last few weeks. You are ready — you know why?” 

He sighs, his hands folded on the table, “Because of my training?” 

“No,” you say, and he frowns, “because you are sensitive and kind, but you are also tough — tough enough to make the hard calls,” your hand brushes his tentatively, hovering before settling, “weren’t you nervous before becoming a detective? When you were a cop?” 

“I was, but I was confident, bordering on arrogant — I always went in, guns blazing, so to speak,” he adds, shaking his head at the implication, “now, I’m—” 

“Now you’re cautious — it comes with experience, that’s normal and good — overconfidence bites you in the ass, every time,” you squeeze his hand, “you will do great — and more importantly,” he raises his gaze to meet yours, “you will do your job and do it well — and that’s all you can do.” 

He purses his lips, “You really believe in me?” 

You scoff at his disbelief, “Sonny, I’ll always bet on you — every single time,” his gaze softens, a smile gracing his lips and your stomach flips when he squeezes your hand back. 

“Thank you,” his words are as soft as his touch, his fingers intertwined with yours for a moment, and your eyes flicker across his face — how was it you never realized just how beautiful he was? 

And the moment is broken when he pulls his hand away, gathering all his materials and slipping them into his bag, “If you need any help—” 

He frowns, “Y’know as well as I do that these cases are—” 

“I meant with your self-esteem or advice about how to phrase questions — no specifics and no actual questions,” you cross your arms, “I know about confidentiality and professional responsibility, counselor — I have been at this longer than you have. You could afford to take my advice.” 

He raises an eyebrow, teasing, “Pulling seniority? You’re not at the D.A.’s office anymore,” 

“But I know your boss,” you tease right back, and he rolls his eyes, as you lean forward, “and it’s ‘counselor’ to you,” 

He dares forward, “Well, counselor,” he replies, lips curled in a smile, “I’ll take it under advisement, and I’ll give my boss your best,” And he slips from the booth, pausing only to add, “do this again?” 

And you can’t hide your smile, “Next week?” 

He nods, slipping out of the doors from Forlini’s and you watch him, your eyes falling across the bar — and the two seats where you had sat, now reupholstered and refurbished — and then back again to the door he left from, before turning back to your booth. As you sat, his smile and the faint fluttering left in your chest, a smile you couldn’t stave off 

Things really did change, didn’t they? 

“Trial’s in a few weeks?” and Sonny nods, Rollins sips at her drink, “you have to testify, Amanda?” 

“Unfortunately,” she jerks a thumb towards Sonny, setting her drink down on the counter of the bar, “he’s been prepping me and it’s somehow worse than Barba.” 

The sting of his name hurt less, your easy smile not wavering, “I find that hard to believe,” 

“Oh believe me,” Amanda turns to Sonny, who sips at his drink sheepishly, “how long did we practice yesterday?” 

“Not important,” he brushes her remark off, as you and Amanda share a look and chuckle, “I just want to be ready — Hadid has been all over me about this trial. If she’s been looking for an excuse to fire me, this would be the perfect one.” 

“Hey,” your hand finds his, “you’re going to do great. You have practiced your closing a thousand times — I’ve heard it half a million times — you know what the points you have to make are. I know you’re ready.” 

He squeezes your hand back, smiling softly, “Thank you,” and butterflies bloom under his steady gaze, before he slips from the stool, “I’m going to use the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” his hand grazes your back before he finds his way to the restroom. 

You sip at your drink, before you find Amanda staring at you. You frown, placing the drink down, “What?” 

“What’s going on between you two?” 

You wrinkle your brow, as Amanda scratches her brow, her lips pursed.“What do you mean?” 

“I don’t want to get involved, but,” she craned her neck to check if Sonny was gone, “I know something happened between you two before you left,” Your head snaps to your drink, biting your lip, “I may be a detective, but it doesn’t take a genius to see that you two, whatever this is,” she gestures, “it’s not just a friendship,” 

You blink — but wasn’t it? “But—” 

“I don’t know how you feel, but I’m not blind,” she tilts her head, trying to catch your gaze, “just don’t hurt him okay?” 

“Amanda—” 

“I don’t need to hear specifics about what happened,” she shrugs, “I just want him to be okay ‘cause he may not be my partner now, but he is my best friend.” 

You nod, “Of course, I won’t, Amanda — I care about him too.”

But it was complicated. 

It was simple before — but it was different — you were in love with someone else — blinded. Sonny was your friend, one of your closest, but a friend nonetheless. Your stomach didn’t flip when you saw him, you didn’t text him so often, there weren't brief touches that you wished would last forever — like there was now. 

And you couldn’t deny it forever. 

Amanda chuckles, shaking her head, “I can’t believe I just said Carisi is my best friend,” 

You smile, “Guess he really grew on you after he shaved the ‘stache,” 

Amanda raised her eyebrows, snorting, “Like an infection,” 

You grinned, sipping at your drink, “What are you two laughing at?” and both of you share a smile, “what?” 

“Nothing, Sonny,” Amanda waves him off, “I gotta go — babysitter’s time is almost up, and I have to check on the girls,” Amanda nods at you, “It was nice to see you again, counselor.” 

“Same here, Amanda,” and she nods at Sonny, slipping from the bar, as he takes her seat, leaning against the counter, his knee brushing yours. The low light of the bar catches in his eyes, a dark blue that makes your heart stutter a moment as his lips curl into a smile. And you remember the moment you kissed him. 

“Now what?” you blink, biting your lip. 

Would it be so bad to fall in love with him?

To fall in love with an A.D.A. again? Falling into old habits?

“Walk me home?”  

And fall you would. 

~~~

It wasn’t a walk so much as it was a subway ride away and a walk to your apartment, “Do you ever miss the D.A.’s office?” and you spare a glance at Sonny. 

“Why? Want another person bossing you around the office?” he chuckles, licking his lips.

“When you put it like that,” and you laugh, “no, I just mean—” 

“You mean if I ever miss being on the right side of justice?” and he opens his mouth to retort, “I’m joking, Sonny — I mean criminal defense is a different way I can do justice — I get to take on a lot of the firm’s pro bono work and I get to help people who are at the lowest points of their lives put it back together.” 

“Even murderers?” he frowns. 

You bite your lip, “You saw the Ortiz case on the news didn’t you?” Ortiz, a husband who murdered his wife in cold blood — or that was the story the media and prosecutors’ were selling, “Did you read his interview?” 

He raises an eyebrow, “No?” 

“It turns out his wife had been abusive for years — verbally, emotionally, and physically—” your shoes scrape against the pavement, “he snapped when she turned it on their son.” 

“Is that an excuse—” 

“Yes, by law it is — it isn’t premeditated murder, it’s manslaughter,” you slip your hands into your pockets, “but even then, do people get any better locked up in cages?” 

“Do you think they should be—” 

“Walking free and clear? No,” you look up at the sky, “but you know in Sweden — they have one of, if not the, lowest recidivism rates? They have less than 4,000 prisoners, compared to America’s millions. It’s because they focus on rehabilitation, not punishment. Instead of locking up people in tiny cells and inhumane conditions, they give them care in all aspects of their lives — education, psychological help, medical — everything,” Sonny opens his mouth to interject, and you hold your hands up, “I’m not saying all people are capable of reform — but a lot of them are, and don’t we owe people that chance?” 

“But with S.V.U.—”

“With S.V.U., it’s more complicated — I won’t deny that, rapists are more likely to victimize again compared to other crimes,” you shake your head, “I don’t have all the answers, but I know locking people up and having them be victimized in prison isn’t the answer,” you offer a small smile, “but to answer your question, I miss the people, but I’m happy where I landed. I think it’s the right place for me.” 

“How do you know? I mean, how do you know it’s the right place?” 

You shrug, “You just feel it after some time—” you tilt your head, “where’s this coming from?” 

Sonny sighs, “I got a big case coming up in a week,” his hands slipped into his pockets, “My first trial.” 

“Hadid letting you off the leash?” he barks out a laugh. 

“Barely,” he shakes his head, “not that I blame her — this job, I swear I come home more tired than I did chasing down perps.” 

“That seems like a stretch, and hindsight bias,” you add, elbowing him before rubbing your shoulders, biting back a shiver — wearing only a suit coat out was a mistake, “besides I know you can handle it.” 

He unwraps his scarf, as you open your mouth to protest, but the scarf is already around your neck, and you can’t help but smile — it smells like him — “Sometimes I think you have more faith in me than I do,” 

“I have enough faith in you for the both of us,” you pull the scarf  snug around yourself, resisting the urge to bury your nose in it. You bite your lip, “is the gallery open to the public?” 

“Think so,” he nods. 

“Do you want me to be there in court?” the words come out carefully — afraid to cross a line you weren’t sure was there. 

“Watching the case?” 

“Just the verdict,” you say, “I didn’t get to be there for you when you passed the bar or when you got hired at the D.A.’s office — we could get dinner after — guilty verdict or not.” 

“Not gonna disappear on me for three years, are you?” you flinch, and he sighs, “sorry that came out wrong—” 

“It’s okay,” you smile ruefully, “I kind of deserved it, but,” you add, “I’m not going anywhere — and this time I mean it.” 

The quiet settled over you both for a moment, and you knew he was going to ask — you knew he was working up the courage to do so, “Why did you leave?” you cross your arms, “you don’t—” 

“I want to,” you shake your head — and you could see Rafael’s smile, feel his touch, and see his heart break — “It’s just complicated.” 

“So complicated that you had to leave?” he pressed, and you nodded. 

“I didn’t want to — but I had to,” you glance at him, see his brows knit together, “but the one thing I regretted and I will always regret is leaving you too, and I promise, I won’t do it again,” you reach for his hand, your fingers intertwining, just as you reach the doorstep of your apartment, “you can hold me to that.” 

He stares down at you, the flickering light of your apartment barely illuminating his face, but a soft smile on his lips, “I will, sweetheart,” and warmth bloomed in your stomach — no, you really couldn’t deny it anymore could you? But he squeezes your hand, stepping back, “See you in a week?” 

You lick your lips, heart thumping in your ears — you nod, “Yeah,” you feel his coat around your shoulders, “oh your scar—” 

He waves you off, “Keep it,” he walks down your steps, turning around, pointing a finger at you, grinning, “But make sure Rollins isn’t the one bringing it by.” 

You hear the humor in his voice and smile, “No promises.” 

And you spare one more glance at his returning back, before slipping inside your apartment building and into your apartment. Your fingers fisted in the soft red cotton of his scarf — your cheeks and heart warm.  

Oh, what were you getting yourself into? 

Sonny tried not to glance behind him — you still hadn’t arrived. His nerves were shot after this week — everything that could have gone wrong had gone wrong. 

Of course it did — it did little to inspire faith in himself, or in Hadid for that matter. 

“All rise,” Judge Abbas said, and Sonny had to stop himself from jumping to his feet — he knew, he knew in his gut that he had given his best case, though this case was sticky to begin with, “Foreperson of the jury, what say you on the charge of rape in the second degree?” 

Sonny’s heart jumped into his throat, blood roaring in his ears, and he barely caught the verdict, mouth dry — the feeling of the victims’ gazes boring into the back of his head. 

“We find the defendant guilty,” and he nearly couldn’t believe it — he had done it, they had done it. The judge announces they will reconvene for sentencing in two weeks. He turns around, shaking the hands of the victims, thanking them for their testimony, sparing one glance at the defendant. 

Adneradline and relief is pumping through him, his chest lighter — he had done it, he had gotten justice. 

And then he sees you — through the crowd, you’re standing by the door, smiling brightly at him, mouthing congratulations, jerking your head and slipping from the courtroom. He nearly trips over himself to get to you, trying to maintain decorum as he leaves through the double doors. He slips by people he knows and those he doesn’t until finally he finds you in a discrete corner of the courthouse, away from prying eyes and reporters. 

“Sonny, I’m so proud of you,” you say, your hands on his shoulders, your lips curled in a smile he hoped that was just for him, “I knew you could do it,” 

And you did — you had told him he could do it time and time again when he didn’t believe in himself, you had been there for him, as you promised to be. 

Everything slows for a moment. 

And he couldn’t help think you were the only one he needed to believe in him, to be by his side, the one he wanted to tell good news first, the one he wanted to wake up beside in the morning. He’s breathless as he looks at you, and you seem to realize — the air between you two becoming thick, as he looms closer, a bag on your arm, slipping to your fingers now.  

“Sonny,” you breathe, as you tilt your head upwards to look into his eyes.

And he knows this may be a mistake — the last time he kissed you, you disappeared, and every relationship he’s had has ended in disaster, but he can’t bring himself to care — not when he could kiss you again. 

“Can I kiss you?” the words slip past his lips without much to-do, and he has to stop himself from biting his tongue or stumbling back, especially when you nod, and his lips crash to yours. 

His kiss is still hesitant, and so are you, your lips parting and meeting again and again — chaste, but he tasted you — and he swore he never tasted anything like you before, nothing so sweet. And he pulls away a moment, eyes fluttering and he sees your eyes do the same. And his heart is in his throat again — what if you thought it was a mistake? 

But you only smile, your warm hand cupping his cheek, the bag slipping from your fingers, as the other intertwines with his fingers, “Where do you think you’re going?” 

And you kiss him again, and he doesn’t hold back this time, his arms wrapping around you, tugging you impossibly closer, smiling against your lips. And he couldn’t help but think — as warmth bloomed in his stomach, your fingers curling in his hair — how did he ever get so lucky?