#elle introspects

[nox-ceur]

Taylor Swift played “The Way I Loved You” without me there so I will be launching myself off the cliff side 🥰

[some-little-infamy]

Buck, Realized

(Read on AO3)

Buck’s body registers the knock at the door before his brain does, heartbeat quickening in his chest at the sound and the mixture of hope and trepidation that floods through him. Eddie. He’s been avoiding Eddie, but of course Eddie isn’t the sort to suffer avoidance in silence - for better or worse, he’s going to make Buck talk to him and deal with this head-on. And, for better or worse, Buck deserves to be confronted with the aftermath of his action. Buck doesn’t even bother checking the peephole before pulling the door wide open.

When he sees not Eddie, but Tommy, standing in the doorway, everything seems to pause. This… isn’t right. This isn’t what he’s expecting, the routine of them, of Buck and Eddie, that Buck’s grown so used to since Eddie entered his life. Then again, since Tommy entered Eddie’s life, things haven’t been what Buck’s used to, have they?

It takes a moment for the idea that it’s Tommy at his door to register, and when it does Buck doesn’t feel disappointed that it isn’t Eddie. In fact, his heart only races faster, nearly visible where it pulses in his neck. Weird. He writes it off as fear, fear over how badly he fucked up that Eddie can’t even face him.

“Uh, hey. Hey, Tommy.”

“Can we talk?” No greetings. Not a great start.

“Uh, yeah, yeah. Come… on in.” Buck invites him in, fully functioning on autopilot at this point, his words repeating and stuttering in an effort for his mind to catch up with his actions.

“Wow, maybe I’m working at the wrong station,” Tommy comments, looking around Buck’s place with obvious awe.

Buck grins despite the situation, because it feels good to be on the receiving end of a compliment from Tommy, to be in the place that he imagines Eddie’s been in a million times based on how close they’ve grown. Not that it matters - having a nice apartment isn’t going to win him any friends here, no matter how deep his need to impress runs.

“Can I get you something? I still owe you a beer, right?” Buck doesn’t know why he’s trying so hard, why he’s smiling so wide, as if this could still be a simple social call. He wants to salvage what he can with Tommy, if he can. Tommy’s reply isn’t promising.

“No, I’m good. I won’t stay long. I just wanted to clear the air and I didn’t want to do it over the phone or in a text or something.”

Jesus, why does this sound like Tommy’s breaking up with him? Buck grabs a beer for himself, anticipating the need for it - and probably a few others - by the end of this conversation.

“Clear the air about what?” Buck asks, needing to know for certain.

Tommy keeps his distance, standing in the open space beyond the kitchen Buck’s in as he replies.

“Obviously I’ve been the cause of some bad blood between you and Eddie and I just want you to know that was never my intention.”

Fuck. Buck knows he hasn’t been anything short of obvious lately, with Maddie and Chimney picking up on it before Buck even fully realized what he was doing. So of course Tommy picked up on it, too. And if Tommy had… “There’s no bad blood,” Buck promises. “Evan-” Tommy starts, but Buck continues talking before Tommy can say anything else. He ignores the strange weight he feels in his stomach hearing Tommy say his name like that… there was emotion behind that name, something Buck doesn’t have time to think on just then. “Really,” Buck continues. “No bad blood, just… bad behavior, and, and it’s all on my part. You guys didn’t do anything wrong. You and Eddie as buddies makes perfect sense.”

“Yeah, we do,” Tommy agrees so immediately he nearly cuts Buck off to say it. “And you know he can have more than one friend, right?”

Buck looks down as he smiles at that, doing his best to cover the embarrassment that flushes his cheeks. Of course Eddie can have other friends. Eddie has other friends. He has girlfriends. But other friends aren’t Tommy, and Buck isn’t sure how to explain why that’s different without sounding crazy. He certainly feels a little crazy just thinking it.

“Uh, yes. Yes, I do know that,” Buck manages to force out around his thoughts.

“I mean it’s not like I could ever replace you. Christopher would absolutely have something to say about that. That kid cannot shut up about you.”

Buck swallows hard, pushing back the lump of emotion that catches in his throat at that.

“Really?” Buck can’t help it - he smiles, practically beaming. Tommy was impressive, and cool, and smooth, and everything Buck isn’t. Buck wouldn’t have blamed him if Chris thought Tommy was better than him and wanted him around more instead. Hell, Buck gets the appeal. He wants to be around Tommy, too. It’s why he was trying so hard to keep his attention with the hangar tour, wasn’t it?

Wait… was it?

“Really,” Tommy swears, continuing the conversation and leaving no time for Buck’s wandering thoughts.

“I guess Eddie is, uh, pretty pissed, huh?” Buck forces himself to focus back on the conversation at hand. He walks over to the other side of the kitchen island, feeling a little more okay with the conversation now. Now that he knows this is a civil conversation and that Tommy isn’t out to get him, Buck doesn’t need the drink in his hand or the distance between them.

More than that, he doesn’t want there to be space between. He finally has the thing he wanted all those other times - Tommy’s undivided attention - even if it’s not the way he wanted to get it. He instinctively moves towards the comfort this kind of interaction brings him, a feeling he hadn’t realized he missed so much until this moment.

When Tommy crosses his arms Buck stops moving toward him and leans back against the island instead, reading Tommy’s body language and adjusting accordingly. Buck’s hands grip the counter ledge behind him, grounding him there for now. There’s something more to this conversation, something thrumming under Buck’s skin and flashing across Tommy’s eyes that Buck swears he isn’t imagining, but he can’t figure out what it is. All he knows is that this conversation feels… dangerous, somehow, and he isn’t eager to be the one to push the boundaries of it.

“No, he’s not. In fact, he feels bad. We both do. Nobody meant to exclude you, Evan. Eddie and I hanging out, it wasn’t about you.”

“That’s usually my problem. Uh, I can get pretty jealous.”

The words leave Buck’s mouth before he has the chance to overthink them. They’re true. They’re honest in a way he hasn’t allowed himself to be before the basketball game.

When Tommy looks away at those words Buck thinks he looks… upset? Buck swears there was a moment of disappointment, of something Tommy didn’t want Buck to see that the quick turn away covered up.

“Yeah, you’re not the only one. I was super jealous.” “You? Over what?” Buck leans forward as he asks but doesn’t move away from where he’s stationed himself against the island.

Tommy’s the one to move this time, taking a few steps forward, walking back and forth a bit as he rewards Buck’s honest admission with a confession of his own.

“All of you. The 118. How it’s become like a family over there. How you all were willing to put everything on the line for one another. I wanted to be part of that.”

They’re close now, mere feet apart, but it’s too much distance for the moment they’re having. Buck hadn’t realized how much the two of them had in common. Maybe not in things like hobbies, but something deeper. They both feel left out of something they want to be part of. They both feel like they’re looking in on something they can’t have, and maybe don’t deserve.

Buck takes a step away from the island, closing the distance between them even further. He wants to reach out, to put an arm on Tommy’s shoulder or pull him into a hug, but he doesn’t. That isn’t what this is and he’s too grateful for the moment they are sharing to risk ruining it by thinking he means more to Tommy in all of this than he does. “Hey, you were, and you did. You,” Buck laughs mid-sentence at the memory. “You even made fake mouth static at the fire chief.”

Honestly, it was the moment in the helicopter that Buck first realized that Tommy was the sort of person he could see himself getting along with. Reckless for all the right reasons. A bit of a smartass. Great personality and sense of humor, even in a situation like the one they were all in at the moment. How could anyone not be immediately won over?

“I’m renowned for my fake mouth static,” Tommy declares.

Buck finds himself mirroring the absolutely unserious expression on Tommy’s face with ease. Given the uncertainty he felt at the start of this encounter, Buck’s surprised that he can feel so comfortable, so quickly.

“It was not great,” Buck points out. “Come on, hey!” There’s no true hurt in Tommy’s indignation, no sign that he’s put off by Buck’s joking critique. The relief that Buck feels over the cheerfulness Tommy exudes now, over the smile that spreads wide across his face as he laughs with Buck… it’s like something begins to settle in Buck’s previously tumultuous mind.

“It was not convincing, but you did it anyway,” Buck points out, his tone growing serious again, shifting into something low and contemplative. “You threw in with us, no hesitation, and I, I thought wow, that guy is cool. I like that guy. That’s why I called and asked for the tour. It wasn’t about me maybe leaving the 118, Tommy, I…”

He what? Buck doesn’t know where any of this is coming from. Being here, alone and in private with Tommy, allows him a sense of freedom he didn’t have when they were back at the hangar doing the tour. Everything just feels so easy, so natural. Buck didn’t mean to say anything he just said, it all just sort of tumbled out. Talking with Tommy, being here with him… this is all he really wanted the chance to do before.

Before Eddie started spending all his free time with Tommy at fights and basketball games.

Before Buck ever had a chance to say it, or even realize he thought it.

“I just wanted to get to know you,” Buck finishes, softly.

“Yeah?” Tommy seems surprised, but in a good way, and Buck feels that strange flutter again, that tingling just underneath his skin that he doesn’t expect over something as simple as being the cause of that grin on Tommy’s face.

It makes more sense now than it did before. A lot of things do, the longer the two of them stand this close together, the more they share goofy grins back and forth that seem to feed off each other’s borderline flirtatious energy. That flush of heat begins to return, and Buck quashes it down.

Buck reminds himself that Tommy came here to talk about Eddie. He reminds himself that it’s Tommy and Eddie who are close, not him. This is all just to smooth things over. “Yeah,” he agrees.” And then you left with Eddie. Which, listen, you don’t have to tell me how great Eddie is, you know, I’ve known that from the first day I worked with him. Of course you want to hang out with Eddie. Plus, well, I, I don’t know Muay Thai,” Buck finishes lamely, well aware that he’s rambling now and not doing himself any favors.

What was all that? It’s like once he started speaking he couldn’t stop. And how many times had he said Eddie’s name? God, he’s a disaster.

“I can teach you,” Tommy offers.

So maybe all hope isn’t lost after all. “Okay,” Buck says, not taking the offer entirely seriously. “Is that going to be right after our flying lessons?”

“Probably not on the same day,” Tommy admits. There it is again, that natural way of playing off Buck’s tone and mannerisms, matching him tit for tat not just in emotional moments but in joking ones as well, never missing a beat.

Buck thinks that he wouldn’t mind spending an entire day with Tommy. Hell, he wouldn’t mind spending multiple days with Tommy. In fact… that’s all Buck’s wanted all along. Buck’s first offer to grab a drink was turned down because of Tommy’s plans with Eddie, and then all of his free time since then also being taken up by Eddie…

“Yeah,” Buck says slowly. He’s staring now, longer than he should, but he can’t help it. His mouth hangs open slightly while every disjointed thought seems to click together at once. “Just… trying to get your attention has been kind of exhausting.”

There it is.

“My attention?” Tommy seems as surprised by the revelation as Buck is, but it’s out there now and Buck doesn’t want to take it back. “Yeah, I guess so, uh…” What does he say now? What else can he say? “I mean I, I did maim my best friend.” That sure isn’t it, but it’s what comes out. Now that the moment of clarity has passed he’s filled with panic, and with panic comes rambling. What he can’t do is let an uncomfortable silence ruin everything because he had to go and have a revelation out loud in front of the guy it was about. “My sister says there are better ways to get someone’s attentio-”

The word is muffled by Tommy’s lips on his. First there’s a gentle touch of Tommy’s fingers lifting Buck’s chin up to just the right angle, and then they’re kissing. It happens so fast, but once it’s happening Buck feels like he’s been waiting forever for it, somehow. Maybe not for Tommy specifically, but for this. An opportunity he didn’t know he wanted to seize until he was seizing it.

Buck kisses back without hesitation, leaning into the embrace, bringing his own hand up to the side of Tommy’s arm for a second before letting it fall back down to his side when Tommy steps away. It’s only a few seconds, but Buck finally gets what people say in movies and books about feeling like time stops. He’s never felt like this before, frozen in a moment where everything just feels… right.

“Like that?” Tommy asks. It isn’t flirty or challenging like Buck would expect, but a genuine question, to make sure they were both reading the same signs.

“Yeah, that works.” Buck feels… frozen? No. Rooted. Grounded, in a way he hasn’t in a very long time.

“So that was okay?” Tommy asks with a small smile, and fuck if that slight hesitation doesn’t pull at every single one of Buck’s heartstrings in the best possible way over the fact that Tommy’s checking in on him.

“That was better than fake mouth static,” Buck says. Okay, so maybe the word-vomiting isn’t entirely quelled, but at least it’s toned down in the aftermath of the kiss. Buck can barely think a single cohesive thought right now, let alone come up with enough to properly ramble about.

Buck’s lips curl up at the corners slightly as everything settles within him, like something shifting so slightly but in a way that allows everything around it to fall into perfect alignment. He likes Tommy. Every surge of jealousy, every stray thought he couldn’t figure out, every physical reaction he couldn’t explain away… it all makes sense. He likes Tommy. He’s probably liked other guys… he’s certainly flirted with other guys, though at the time he wrote it off as being his usual charismatic self. But now he has to wonder…

“I got a shift,” Tommy says, the words break through Buck’s quiet reflection. “Okay,” Buck says, already feeling the dread seep into the peace he felt moments before as he braces himself to be left alone again so soon. Maybe this was just an impulsive fluke for Tommy… maybe it didn’t mean anything for him, not the way it did for Buck. “Yeah, across-town traffic - came in a car this time. So what are you doing on Saturday?”

“Uh, S-Saturday?” The whiplash of going from the realization of his own feelings, to the kiss, to Tommy’s sudden need to leave, to asking Buck what he’s doing Saturday has Buck’s head spinning, barely able to keep up.

“You still owe me that beer. You free?” Buck notices the way Tommy tries, and mostly succeeds, to hold back a smile until Buck has the time to answer without feeling any sort of obligation.

Buck, in return, only smiles wider, eager and relieved and nervous, but the good kind of nervous. Like he knows he’s agreeing to something important - maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but certainly for the smaller scale of his immediate existence.

“Yes, I, I, I am free,” Buck confirms, cursing the way he can’t keep from tripping over his words, his mind racing faster than his mouth can keep up with.

“Great,” Tommy turns to leave, talking while he makes his way toward the door. Buck fights the urge to follow him over, to kiss him another time before he leaves just to make sure this is all real. “So let’s say I come by around, I dunno, eight?”

“Yeah, eight is great.” If the fact that Buck’s ability to form words is reduced to elementary rhyming words makes Tommy rethink his decision to ask Buck out, he doesn’t let it show. “Great,” Tommy grins at Buck like Buck is endearing, something fond and sincere in a way that surprises him. “See you Saturday.”

“Saturday.” Buck repeats. It’s all he can manage to show any sign that he’s listening, that he agrees with the plan, because if he opens his mouth any longer he isn’t sure what’s going to come spilling out of it next.

Come back. Stay. Are you sure you have to leave?

Tommy does turn back around, and this time it’s his words that catch Buck off-guard.

“And for God’s sake please call Eddie. Now would be a great time, he’s on pain pills.”

With a laugh that echoes through the apartment, Tommy closes the door behind him, leaving Buck alone in his apartment once more.

He kissed Tommy. Tommy kissed him, and he kissed Tommy back. He likes Tommy… and if Maddie and Chimney’s comments about his earlier outbursts and actions are any indication, he’s shown it at least a little prior to the past 5 minutes, even if his brain hadn’t quite caught up with his emotions.

He has a lot to process, but for now, he just wants to appreciate the fact that everything that just happened felt so… normal. He felt safe, and cared for, and totally at ease in Tommy’s presence. Not just during the kiss, but before and after it, too.

No matter how things play out, he’s become aware of something huge about himself today. Something that’s probably always been there, even if he’s only just acknowledged it. And while he’ll never claim to have it all figured out, he knows enough to appreciate that this is big.

A tear wells up in the lower lid of his eye, hovering there, not quite falling as he realizes he feels lighter than he has in days. Possibly weeks. Potentially ever.

There’s no big deal, no declarations needed, just… him. Just Buck, being who he is, living the truth of his life in that moment.

[elles-home]

sanji taking a mental health break mid battle is still one of my favourite things in the wano arc

[ellecdc]

Ahhh congratulations on 4k elle my love!!! It's so so deserved, and I'm so excited for your celebration! Could I please try DJ play that song! with Regulus (or poly!jegulus if that's an option) and hurt/comfort vibes? You're really the only person I read Regulus for lol so I'm learning about him through you basically

I went with regulus for this one! I also didn’t know what kind of hurt comfort so I just went off the assumption that reader had a bad day or is experiencing some mental health issues etc. I see him as a quiet, introspective person, and also a little bit afraid that he doesn’t know exactly how to help. So I see him as a steady presence, sitting in silence, making sure you know he’s there and supporting you, keeping you fed and such in the mean time 🫶

[possessingtheproperspirit]

opening line patterns

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 (or however many you have) posted fics and see if there's a pattern!

Thanks for the tag @thequibblah!! Another one from six hundred years ago, but you know what they say, better late than never...possibly.

Murder on the Dance Floor

So much of James Potter’s life seems to involve wondering how he let someone talk him into doing something. 

2. The Price We Pay

Sirius sat, stiff-backed and blank-faced, and tried to remember a time he hadn’t hated this house.

3. In The Bleak Midwinter

“I’m just saying—”

4. to love

She found him, as she expected she would, in the common room. 

5. A Fate Resigned

It’s a slow disintegration.

6. The First Time

She’d never been carried up a set of stairs before.

7. A Lesson in Communication

He had to tear his eyes away from her, from the sweetly innocent way her chin tilted up towards him, green eyes wide. 

8. heart of glass

The room was too much: things moving, ticking, mutters and colours and not a single thing in rest, apart from him.

9. Distractions

Thirty-five minutes.

10. Table-Mates

Perhaps it wasn’t a cool opinion to have, but James had always thought that weddings were wonderful.

I guess the patterns here are opening up in the middle of something, sometimes dialogue like no. 4, but mainly into some action or introspection. Also we love a short sentence for effect, don't we, like in nos 5, 6 and 9. As I think I've said before, I'm not a huge draft-redraft person, or a plan person, so I just sort of bowl into things and hope for the best. First lines very rarely change once they're on the page, not because I'm egotistical and assume they can't be bettered (I'm sure many can) but because it's just a jumping off point for getting into the meat of things, so I've usually already moved on in my head lol.

That was fun! Tagging @mppmaraudergirl @clare-with-no-i @kay-elle-cee @emeralddoeadeer @alittlebitofeverything23 if you want to do it/haven't done it already!

[torturedpoetsofpemberley]

This meme takes a classic film of "Legally Blonde" and turns the focus to the relationship dynamic between Marianne and Willoughby, specifically referring to the ballroom scene in which Marianne finds out he is marrying Miss Grey for money. Although Willoughby confesses he had been genuinely in love with Marianne and intended to ask her to marry him, he felt he had to marry for money because of his penniless state and debts post-scandal. I specifically found this meme funny and representative of Marianne because Elle Woods picks herself up from her poor relationship and works towards her goals. Similarly, Marianne is devastated by her romance with Willoughby, which leads her to reevaluate her emotional impulses and grow as a character. Initially, Marianne is depicted as passionate, impulsive, and deeply romantic, embodying the "sensibility" unlike her more pragmatic sister, Elinor, who represents "sense." At the beginning, Marianne romanticizes everything about Willoughby that she is blinded to his flaws, and ultimately ignores social decorum and throws herself wholeheartedly into the relationship, even without a formal engagement. When Willoughby betrays her, she is of course impacted emotionally, but even more so physically. The heartbreak weakens her to the point where she becomes ill, which serves as a metaphor for the destructive consequences of her unchecked emotions. During her illness, Marianne reflects on her actions and begins to understand the dangers of living solely through her emotions. This period of introspection is crucial to her transformation, as she recognizes that she needs to temper her sensibility with sense to move forward and regain control of her life. She ultimately grows and becomes the importance of balance between emotion and reason, and gains a newfound sense of caution and maturity in how she approaches relationships and life. She then slowly recognizes Elinor's ability to temper her emotions with rationality and begins to emulate this more balanced approach. She reflects on the value of self-control and understands that love, while rooted in emotion, must also involve discernment and mutual respect. When Marianne then decides to marry Colonel Brandon, it is a representation of her newfound maturity. While her feelings for him may not initially meet her idea of love, she grows to appreciate the steadiness and security of his love, which contrasts sharply with the fleeting, superficial allure of Willoughby. Marianne learns that true love is not just about grand romantic gestures, but also about commitment, trust, and mutual respect—values that Colonel Brandon embodies.

Ultimately, Marianne’s heartbreak and recovery led her to a deeper understanding of herself and the nature of love. She moves from a state of unchecked emotional excess to one of tempered emotional wisdom. Her growth is not about rejecting her emotions entirely, but rather about learning how to integrate them with reason, judgment, and self-awareness. By the end of the novel, Marianne is wiser and more grounded, having learned that love can be both passionate and sensible, and that true emotional fulfillment comes from a balance between heart and mind.

So, although Marianne did not attend Harvard Law, she did ultimately re-evaluate herself after going through a major heartbreak and grow as a character and is a representation of women growing in society for themselves, and not for the approval of another man. What, like it's hard?

[cantcompetewhereudontcompare]

Fine Line lyric analysis

I have too many plates spinning at the same time, but I was having a conversation with a friend about this last night, and she encouraged me to make a post about it. I haven't been able to get it out of my mind ever since.

The original theory isn't mine, or my friend's, or even from the group chat we were talking on, but a compilation of different things we've seen around for a while and that we started to chat about a while ago. Apologies if whoever originally thought about any of this sees this post and recognizes anything about it, not meaning to steal anything

The conversation came up the same way random themes come up in group chats, so I know perfectly well it's random to bring it up now.

As we all know, most of Fine Line (the album) is about Harry's ex girlfriend Camille Rowe.

This was on the back of the album

Which is a reference to Camille's tattoo

Not all songs on the album are about her, but we can infer (Harry hasn't confirmed anything) that most of them are.

This is the tracklist of the album, I'll add if I think it's about her or not next to the track.

Golden - About Camille

Watermelon Sugar - About Camille

Adore You - Maybe about Camille / Maybe not

Lights Up - Not about Camille

Cherry - About Camille

Falling - About Camille

To Be So Lonely - About Camille

She - Not about Camille

Sunflower, Vol. 6 - About Camille

Canyon Moon - About Camille

Treat People With Kindness - Not about Camille

Fine Line - Partially about Camille

First less address the ones not about her

Adore You

I think Adore You could be about her because thematically it fits (it's somewhat similar to Watermelon Sugar), but I think "brown skin" would be an odd descriptor for her (since she's not really known to even tan) plus the timing of it doesn't really fit.

We know he wrote Adore You in May 2019 because Amy Allen (co-writer of the song) posted about it in her stories at the time. This was about a year after he and Camille broke up, when Camille had been dating Theo (her current boyfriend) for a long time.

Absolutely not impossible that it's about her, but I would say inconclusive. It could be just a feel-good song about finding infatuation again after being heartbroken. There's nothing in the song that points directly to her to make it conclusive.

Lights Up

Harry said this song is about self-reflection and self-discovery. I think it's an introspective song that's not about anyone other than himself.

She

I think it's a song similar to Lights Up in that it's about introspection. Harry hasn't said anything other than he wrote it while high on mushrooms.

Treat People With Kindness

Not much interpretation and explanation is necessary. It's a kooky song.

Now, the ones that are about her. There's a common misconception that the album is in chronological order and tells the story of a relationship, but that's not really true. Canyon Moon seems to be a happy song about missing her when things were well, and it's one of the last songs on the album.

My chronological order of the songs (and remember, everything here is speculation and interpretation).

1 - Watermelon Sugar 2 - Canyon Moon 3 - Golden 4 - Fine Line 5 - Falling 6 - To Be So Lonely 7 - Cherry 8 - Sunflower, Vol. 6

Watermelon Sugar

This one is self-explanatory because it gives you the timeframe in the song itself. "Baby you're the end of June." Obviously he's comparing the object of his desire to the summer season, but also, that's when he and Camille started dating.

We don't know exact dates or anything, but Camille started following Harry on Instagram between June 22 and June 25, according to this timeline of the relationship (Harry followed her first in 2016). Harry was first teased about the relationship live on the radio July 17th and they were first pictured together July 21st.

The name of the song is a nod to one of Camille's favorite books, 'In Watermelon Sugar' by Richard Brautigan, which Camille mentioned in this interview with Elle in August 2017

Harry said in his Tiny Desk performance that this book was in the studio while he was writing music and the title of the book inspired him. He has also said that the song came about while in a studio in Nashville in September 2017.

Canyon Moon

This song is, presumably, about late 2017, when Harry was first on tour solo and he and Camille were still in the honeymoon stage.

Camille lived in Beachwood Canyon with her BFF Lauren Cohan. This song is basically saying that while he's on tour, Harry misses those evenings with her, in her backyard, listening to music, surrounded by friends, under the moon.

The song references Kid Harpoon's wife Jenny. Kid Harpoon was Harry's good friend and producer. He and his wife became good friends with Camille.

"The world's happy waiting. Door's yellow, broken blue. I heard Jenny saying, 'Go get the kids from school.' And I keep thinking back to the time under the Canyon moon."

Essentially, the world is waiting for him, but he's on the phone with his girlfriend who's back home with his friends, and he overhears one of his friends talking in the background.

This is a video Camille posted on her Instagram stories while Harry was on tour. In it, she's hanging out with Jenny and Kid.

The song also references Camille's ex boyfriend Devendra Banhart.

"Quick pause in conversation, she plays songs I've never heard. An old lover's hippie music. Pretends not to know the words."

(A little bit of a dig at Devendra there too with the "songs I've never heard")

Camille and Devendra were together for about two years until right before she and Harry started dating, and he most definitely qualifies as "hippie music."

The entire song is about Harry anticipating getting back home to her. Harry toured Europe (which is referenced in the lyrics "through Paris or through Rome") twice, first in 2017 with small theater tours, and then in 2018 with bigger arena tours. This song seems to reference the first part of tour, in 2017, particularly because Camille was at Harry's show in Paris in 2018.

While Harry didn't do a show in Rome specifically in 2017, he did do a show in Milan. In fact, his European leg started in Paris and ended in Milan, and he had an off day right before the Milan show. Considering he has a lot of friends in Rome, he probably spent it there (also, Milan wouldn't have fit the metric of the song lol).

Camille was with Harry until right before he started this leg of tour, as she was in the audience with his family at his performance in We Can Survive (a cancer awareness concert), October 21st 2017.

October 25 till November 10 is exactly two weeks and two days. In the song he says "two weeks and I'll be home."

That said, Camille did join him for the last two dates of this tour, but most likely scenario, he wrote the song either during or about the beginning, when he was a little sad to be away from her for that time:

"Gotta see it to believe it, the sky's never looked so blue. So hard to leave it, but that's what I always do. So I keep thinking back to a time under the Canyon moon."

Perhaps at the time he wrote the song he didn't know she'd be joining him.

Golden

This is the beginning of the end, the dreading anticipation of what's about to come. In this song, Harry comes to terms with the fact that he doesn't see a lot of future in the relationship, and he's devastated by it.

"I don't wanna let you go. I don't wanna be alone when it ends."

It's daunting. A Chronicle of a Death Foretold.

This is obviously speculation because Camille hasn't said anything directly about it and Harry has only said anything through song, but we can infer because of other interviews and timing, that Harry was way more into her than she was into him. This is not a dig at either of them. Sometimes that just happens.

She was with Devendra for about two years and she said, while dating him, that she wanted to settle down with him. They abruptly broke it off in May/June 2017, and she immediately started dating Harry. We'll revisit the end of her and Harry's relationship in a little bit, but it shares similarities in the sense that she also seemingly moved on pretty fast.

Camille also recently revealed that she met Theo a year before they got together, but that they didn't get together at the time because they weren't mature enough to handle those feelings. This means that when she got with Harry, she had recently met Theo and seemingly had feelings for him. (She said this in her Elle France interview, which is not only in French but also not online, so I can't really link a source).

This in no way says anything about her or her character. It can happen to anyone, to dismiss a relationship with someone because it's too intense and you don't know how to handle it, and perhaps a relationship with someone else is more accessible. And it doesn't mean that this second person isn't important or that you're using them. It's just life.

But it would explain why Harry felt the way he did. He felt like he was "so open" and she, in turn, wouldn't open at all. At the time, Harry chalked it up to her having been hurt and ending up heartbroken before, but it could just be that he simply wasn't the right person for her. And that sucks, but once again, it's life.

Regardless of him knowing that it likely wasn't going to work out, he fell hard.

"But I can't feel you take a hold, I can feel you take control, of who am I and all I've ever known"

Harry and Camille met right about the time his stepfather, Robin, passed away. Robin passed June 20th 2017. In his song Ever Since New York, which is about finding out Robin was diagnosed with terminal cancer (he said this in a few interviews), he says "there's no antidote." In Golden he says "loving you's the antidote."

Of course falling for Camille wouldn't "cure" the fact that he's heartbroken by the loss of his stepfather, but it's very likely that falling in love on the heels of such a huge loss healed him a little bit, made him feel better at a terrible time. This is for another day, but in his song Daylight, off his third album, he mentions someone being/having an antidote again ("you got the antidote"). That song also seems to be about Camille.

Before I continue analyzing songs...

I should point out a little bit more about the timeline of events, especially because it will affect basically every song that comes after this.

Harry and Camille were seemingly in a good place until March 2018. I say "seemingly" because we do not know them, of course. She would post stuff on social media that alluded to him, or his friends, or follow his family. His family would follow and interact with her. She would go to shows, etc.

As I said before, Camille was in Paris for his second show in 2018 (his first show was in Basel). This was March 13 2018. In the following days, Camille would be spotted at his shows sporadically, or she would post Instagram stories from art galleries that happened to be in the cities he was touring.

For instance, she posted this pic March 21st 2018 (it's still up in her highlights), which is Untitled (cowboy) by Richard Prince, 1999, and it's exhibited in the Astrup Fearnley Museum of Modern Art in Oslo, Norway

Harry had a show in Oslo that same day

This happened a few times, so it's likely that Harry was arranging private showings at the museum to be with her while on tour. Keep this in mind.

Camille seemed to have gone back home after this. We don't know if she had work, if they had a fight, if she was homesick. We just know that she went home. And by going home she missed Harry's Home London and Manchester shows, which were April 9, 11, and 12, which were attended by his million of friends and family members.

That was odd, and it was also odd that they didn't seem to see each other at all for several weeks (particularly because he was writing whole songs about being away from her for two weeks a few months prior).

She did go to the venue of his show in Dublin, which was April 16 and was seen chatting with him while Mabel, the opener, was playing, but she apparently didn't stay for his actual show. The timeline I linked earlier claims that she flew to London with him afterwards, but that's... speculation based on nothing, as neither of them were spotted in London. She was usually spotted at the shows when she was there and she was not spotted at this one (even though she was spotted during the opening act).

Harry had a show in Perth, Australia, April 21st, and he was first spotted there at around 2 PM local time the 20th, which would be very early morning in London.

A nonstop flight from London to Perth is about 16/17 hours, putting him actually getting on the plane late night the 18th or early hours of the day the 19th. This to say, that the timeline I linked earlier, while well-meaning, makes a lot of assumptions trying to make their relationship A-okay at this point in time, by, for instance, claiming that they spent time together in London between Dublin and Australia. But there's no indication this is the case, and at most it was two days.

What the timeline does get right is that Harry uses a new guitar for his Sydney show the 27th. This guitar, we now know for a fact, was painted by Nikolai Haas, who was a close friend of Camille's (more on him later).

Nikolai is based in LA and Harry hadn't been to LA in months. Camille had just been to LA before Dublin, so it is pretty likely that she went to his show specifically to give him the guitar. All speculation, of course. Camille did have work in London afterwards, so a trip to Dublin wouldn't be too much of a bother.

The timeline also mentions Camille liking a post of Harry's for the first time May 2nd. It wasn't actually the first post she liked of his, but the second. The first one was a March For our Lives post he uploaded on March 24th (right after she left). It does mark a shift in attitude on Camille's end. This is absolute pure speculation, but it's very possible that at this point they were no longer together, at least not in any official capacity. That her leaving his tour marked their separation in a very amicable way and that's why she felt, let's say freer, to interact with him on social media. Remember she'd followed him for close to a year at this point and had never liked anything he'd posted.

Her leaving the tour, them being apart for weeks on end for the first time, her missing his hometown shows. None of it says anything by itself, but it's a pattern that continues repeating.

The timeline I posted speculates that they disappeared and reappeared at the same time in England between May 14-20th and that that meant they probably spent time together. There's literally nothing at all pointing to this. And the truth of the matter is they hadn't seen each other in a month between April 16-17 and May 14 anyway.

Harry then continued with his tour, this time in Latin America and part of America, and Camille didn't go to a single one of his shows, nor did they spend any time in close proximity, for another month and then some.

Harry then had two shows in Madison Square Garden, June 21st and 22nd, and Camille did go to the second one. And we know she went to the second one specifically because she posted from the plane doing LA-NYC, June 22nd.

She had a photoshoot that day in NYC, btw.

As an asterisk, because we're about to get in muddy waters, at this point Camille was acting single. And I mean this in the most respectful possible way, because she probably was.

This is her and Alexander Skarsgard June 14 2018.

This was a couple of weeks later (it's very blurry but the original account that posted it got deleted, so this will have to suffice). It's Camille sitting on Alexander Skarsgard's lap, watching the France national team during the World Cup against Belgium (July 10th).

Around this time, Alexa Chung, who introduced Harry and Camille and was close friends with both of them, unfollowed Camille on social media. I can't prove this to you, but she followed Camille and often interacted with her posts, and they were, well... friends. They hung out. This was literally a couple of weeks prior (Camille still follows Alexa):

Alexa had dated Alexander up until July 2017. I presume she and Camille are all good now, just not, well... friends. They do seem to run in the same circles and I doubt Alexa would hold a grudge all these years later, but she did unfollow in 2018 when Camille and Alexander did whatever it is they did, and to this day she does not follow (it's a big deal for very Instagram dependent celebs like Alexa or Camille to follow/unfollow each other, don't let anyone tell you otherwise). The Sun would claim that Alexander and Camille were dating later (after they reported on Harry and Camille's breakup in like, late July), but they were late to the party and by then, Camille was already dating Theo.

But I don't wanna jump ahead. I'm trying to keep a semblance of chronology.

Camille went to Harry's second MSG show June 22nd and from mid March when she left his European tour and until now we have three long gaps of about a month each in which they do not see each other, with two tiny periods of 1-2 days in between in which they could've seen each other (but we have no proof they did) + we have Camille seemingly being... very friendly, with Alexander Skarsgard.

Camille was seen at Harry's MSG show, with his friends Max and Xander.

The day after the show, Harry went out with Xander and Max in NYC. And well, he got pretty fucking wasted (and yes, that is Joel Embiid's hand Harry is holding)

People speculated that Camille was there because of this picture, but it wasn't Camille - it was Farah Holt

She has deleted her ig and Waseem (Harry's close friend) has updated the caption ever since

This is a pic of her's that night.

(Not implying anything btw, just anticipating some of the things I remember people saying back then. It's clear that Camille wasn't there that night, and people thought the blonde girl was her, but it wasn't).

Harry had a show in DC the day after that (June 24th). People noticed him being off at the show from the get go, and all these years later it's a meme that he was pissed off.

In several interviews since then Harry said that he's fully sober while he's on tour because it affects the way he feels at the show later. He said he only did it once during his solo career, and the show afterwards was his least favorite.

Everyone in the quotes of that tweet understood immediately which show he was referencing.

Before we theorize any further, let me fast-forwards to the end, because there's not much more left to say.

After this show Camille attended, she didn't go to any others until the very last one, which was July 14 in LA. She wasn't seen in the friends and family section, but in the stands with some of her friends, and she didn't stay for the after party or go backstage. She just left. There were pictures of her leaving The Forum in the parking lot with her friends (I don't think there's a chance in hell I'll find them, forgive me), while Harry was still inside helping the crew pack up the stage (it was a whole thing, workers posted pics of him in the venue at like 2 AM).

At this point, she was likely already dating Theo, given...

Her fan accounts had noticed her posting stuff about Theo or with Theo for a while, this post is from August 16th, but it'd been weeks at that point. It's impossible to scroll and find anything concrete 6 years later, but anyone who was online at the time can attest. To this day Camille is with Theo.

Theo Niarchos is a son/child of Greek aristocracy. His family owns multiple galleries and museums. This will also come up later.

Now let's go to the songs.

Fine Line

I said this song is partially about Camille, because I think it's also pretty introspective. I think he's not just talking about the demise of their relationship and the work he had to do to be better after it, but also about healing in general, about working on himself and getting to a better, more mature, more solid place.

He said he started writing this song in January 2018, but he never said when he finished it, so I do think at that time, he and Camille were mostly in a good place. When he starts a song melodically and where it ends up lyrically are two completely different things.

The song doesn't have a lot of lyrics, but the verses are very wordy and important. I'll break them down.

"Put a price on emotion, I'm looking for something to buy"

He's so desperate for emotion, for any emotion, that he's willing to pay for it. This goes with the Golden lyrics where she wouldn't open up to him while he was super open and yearning for more of a connection. It seems it's reaching a breaking point.

You've got my devotion, but man I can hate you sometimes.

This will come up later in Falling and TBSL, this dichotomy of loving this person (Camille) endlessly, but feeling anger and frustration with her.

"I don't want to fight you, and I don't want to sleep in the dirt."

This idea of him sleeping "in the dirt" (away from her) after a fight will also come up later.

The imagery of sleeping alone is one that Harry repeats a lot in his music, going all the way back to Don't Let Me Go (the first song that ever leaked with just his vocals back in 2013). It seems to signify something to him, sleeping (as in, actually sleeping, not sex) with the person he loves vs alone in his bed.

We'll get the drinks in, so I'll get to thinking of her

This, this is important. He's not getting the drinks with her, he's getting the drinks with friends. And as he's getting the drinks with friends, his mind goes to her. We'll get back to this.

The chorus is the yearning, "we'll be a fine line"

"Test of my patience, there's things that we'll never know. You sunshine, you temptress, my hand's at risk, I fold. Crisp trepidation, I'll try to shake this soon. Spreading you open is the only way of knowing you."

This verse deserves to be talked about together in its entirety because it's so... fucking heartbreaking. He's comparing her to sunshine again (see, Golden, where she shines too bright for him). "My hand's at risk, I fold" means that he realizes he's about to lose, so he gives up. It's using poker imagery. The picture he paints is someone who's betting and betting until he realizes he's not going to win, so he folds.

She won't open up to him (once again, see "Golden"). Spreading her open, sex, is the only way of getting to her. She'll give him her body, but she'll give him nothing else.

This repeats itself in the unreleased leaked song Make My Day, where he says:

I make lots of money, build a big house Put an extra sink in, say I’ll settle down Friends call me a loner, I know they’re wrong She asked me to choke her, I play along

He wants to settle down with her - she wants sex that he doesn't really mean. He plays along. Coincidentally this seems to be something he repeats in the song Keep Driving (Harry's House), but we won't get into that now.

I don't have a conclusion for this song alone, because he talks about this again in Falling

Falling

"I'm in my bed, and you're not here, and there's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands."

People often think he's alluding to cheating here. He's very clearly not. Camille, all her friends, all her family, all seem to be on perfectly good terms with Harry. There's a song we'll analyze in just a minute that claims that she's asking to be friends with him after they break up. That makes NO sense.

We just went over a song in which he gets drunk with his friends and starts thinking about her, and where he talks about how sex is the only thing on the table with her because she won't open up in any other capacity.

This sentence, to me, is alluding to the fact that he just had sex with her (wandering hands) while drunk (the drink) but they're not together anymore (I'm in my bed and you're not here). There's no one to blame for falling in bed again with his ex he still loves but the drink in his wandering hands.

He KNOWS he shouldn't hook up with her anymore because all she's willing to give him is sex, because she's checked out of the relationship and seeing other people, but he does it anyway, because he's weak. Was was it that he said? "My hand's at risk, I fold."

"Forget what I said. It's not what I meant. But I can't take it back. I can't unpack the baggage you left."

What was it that he said? "I don't want to fight you and I don't wanna sleep in the dust." Remember? He's alluding to saying something he doesn't mean, but not being able to take it back. This will be repeated again in a third song. But let's finish this one first.

What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallin'

Essentially: I hate myself, I hate what I'm doing to myself. I hate it here.

What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallin'

He's worried that if he doesn't do this, if he doesn't have sex with her, then she won't talk about him anymore. She won't think about him anymore. She'll forget all about him.

It kills him to do just sex, just casual, just friends with her, but what if not doing that results in her fully forgetting about him? Not needing him? Not thinking about him?

You said you cared, and you missed me too And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you And the coffee's out at the Beachwood Cafe And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say

"You said you cared and you missed me too." If I'm right about the timing, of this happening after his MSG show, right before the DC show, the night that he got drunk with his friends, then it makes perfect sense.

He gets drunk, he thinks about her (because he just saw her, and she's in the area). He calls her, drunk, goes home to her (she had an apartment in NYC as well as her house in LA), they sleep together, and she tells him that of course she cares about him, of course she missed him - they hadn't seen each other in at least a month, possibly two.

But the conversation is awkward. They have nothing to talk about because she doesn't love him that way anymore.

And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again (Oh)

It's devastating. He loves her so much, but she moved on and is over him. That tiny physical connection is all that's left, and he's breaking inside.

We know that the Beachwood Café is Camille's favorite coffee shop as well. (Link to an archived version of the interview, which came out right before Fall 2019, a few months before Fine Line).

And the music video makes it perfectly clear it's about her. The window opens to a very subtle shot of the Eiffel tower

Camille was born in Paris. There are also very unsubtle shots of his left hand playing the piano, while wearing Camille's ring

Not that we needed proof of who this song was about, but ooh well

To Be So Lonely

Don't blame me for falling I was just a little boy

I don't take credit for this because so many people have said it before me, but I bet you she called him a little boy at some point. (She's about 4 years older. They were 23/27 and 24/28 during their relationship)

In Falling he's apologizing, and lamenting. Now he's like "you know what? Nope. Not my fault.

Don’t blame the drunk caller. Wasn't ready for it all

So he got drunk with friends, thought about her, called her, went to her house, they slept together... pretty clear image isn't it?

You can't blame me, darling, not even a little bit. I was away And I’m just an arrogant son of a bitch who can't admit when he's sorry

This is very obviously some private conversation they had. This is Harry being petty and throwing back things she said to him. I'm endlessly intrigued by "I was away" perhaps talking about her being with Alexander while he was on tour? It's impossible to know because while there's a lot we can gleam from looking at timelines and stuff (always just speculation) at the end of the day, he's incredibly cryptic when he wants to be. He's not Taylor Swift who paints a very vivid picture that anyone following her lore can put together. This? Only she can understand what he means. Maybe his producers.

Don't call me "baby" again, you got your reasons I know that you're tryna be friends, I know you mean it

This. This is why the idea that he's apologizing for cheating on her in Falling makes NO sense. She wants to be friends and continues to call him baby. I know she's a cool chick who doesn't GAF about much of anything, but that makes no fucking sense.

Now, if they were friends with benefits after they ended things, then that... that makes sense.

She's so cool, all good, she's over him. So she's fine hooking up with him here and there (while hooking up with other people). She's over him. She can call him "baby" and whatever other term of endearment. She never fully opened up to him, not the way he did. He actually thinks she's too good for him (Golden).

He's not claiming that she's malicious either. She fully feels this way, and that's valid, because she's not responsible for his feelings, or the fact that he's a mess and a half who's still head over heels in love with her.

Don't call me "baby" again, it's hard for me to go home Be so lonely

Once again the imagery of sleeping alone. Of going home after sex and sleeping alone. He hates that. They're sleeping together (having sex) but sleeping apart (actually sleeping). And that kills him.

I just hope you see me in a little better light Do you think it's easy being of the jealous kind?

Once again alluding to a fight. Perhaps his jealous streak is what he said that he regrets in Falling? Who is he jealous of? Maybe Alexander? Maybe someone else? Maybe the situation in general?

He's basically saying, I hope you know I wasn't trying to be mean or jealous when I don't have any right to be. I hope you think better of me.

’Cause I miss the shape of your lips You’ll win, it's just a trick And this is it, so I’m sorry

It seems that Harry has put an end to the cycle. In the Falling music video, he cycles through being soaking wet on the floor and a mess, and being on the piano, playing the keys that make the water fall and flood the room, drowning him.

When the music video begins, he's already wet:

He misses her, so he has to put an end to it, because otherwise the cycle that makes him miserable will continue. "So this is it, so I'm sorry."

"You'll win, it's just a trick." + "My hand's at risk, I fold"

These three songs go on top of each other and enmesh each other all over. They seem to be talking about the same exact thing, just slightly different angles of it, because it's at slightly different stages.

In Fine Line, he's about to do that thing that hurts him. In Falling, he's already done it, and regrets it. In To Be So Lonely, he decides he's not going to do it anymore. All three songs mention drinking, all three songs mention sleeping alone, all three songs mention fighting with the person he loves.

In Fine Line he triumphally says he'll be alright, likely because he's looking at the situation from afar, after having gone through it. It's not just about this situation with Camille, likely, but about working on himself and getting himself out of it. Getting better. Taking care of himself.

Cherry

This song is the aftermath of To Be So Lonely. In To Be So Lonely he asks her "Don't call me baby again"

In Cherry he says:

Don't you call him "baby" We're not talkin' lately Don't you call him what you used to call me

It's a play with words. Don't call me baby, but also don't call HIM baby either. He's fully aware of how petulant it is. Not me, because you won't give yourself fully to me. But also not him??

She asked him not to call him, so they're not talking lately. Just because we don't talk, don't think you can call him what you used to call me.

I, I confess I can tell that you are at your best I'm selfish so I'm hating it

She's with Theo, and he tells, from afar, that she's happy. She never fully gave herself to Harry, but she did to Theo. And Harry hates it.

I wanna say, I don't think it's selfish that he hates it. In normal circumstances, sure, but if your ex who you loved (and still love) never fully gave themselves to you but does to the person right after, then I don't think it's selfish to be upset by it. But I do like that Harry is self aware enough and critical enough of himself to call himself out on those petty thoughts

I noticed that There's a piece of you in how I dress Take it as a compliment

This is me being petty but I don't think he means actual clothes and it's crazy to me that some people credit Camille with his entire street style in 2017-2019. He's talking about her ring, most likely. A piece, not, "I dress exactly how you liked me to dress." He can't exactly say "I wear one of your accessorieeees" now can he? He's making it poetic.

I, I just miss I just miss your accent and your friends Did you know I still talk to them?

He's talking about Nikolai, the man who painted his guitar. And thankfully, Harry seems to have kept Nikolai (and his wife Djuna) in the divorce.

This is Harry with Nikolai a few months ago

I'm sure they're on good terms with Camille. I'm just happy Harry doesn't have to miss them lol

Does he take you walking 'round his parents' gallery?

Anyway, I'm not exactly discovering anything. Anyone with minor knowledge on the subject already knows that Camille's new boyfriend (and current boyfriend) is Theo Niarchos.

His grandfather is Stavros Niarchos, a Greek oil tycoon and one of the world's richest men. His first son, Philip Niarchos, inherited Stavros' art collection and owns incredible paintings such as Van Gogh's self-portrait and Basquiat's self-portrait (Harry admires Basquiat a lot, so I'm sure this was personal for him).

Philip is Theo's father. So when Harry says "does he take you walking 'round his parents' gallery?" he's saying "I didn't have rich parents and I closed out galleries for you." (If he's not saying that, then I'm saying that goddammit).

The ending of the song features him crying agonizingly while she laughs cheerily in a voice note (which she gave him permission to use. Insanity)

Sunflower, Vol. 6

This is one of my favorite songs he's ever written because he takes all of this pain that we just described and he goes "alright, well, I'm gonna be happy anyway."

He's reminiscing on the good parts of the relationship:

Sunflower Sunflower, my eyes want you more than a melody

(...) I couldn't want you any more Kiss in the kitchen like it's a dance floor I couldn't want you any more Tonight (Tonight, tonight, tonight) (...) Wondering, headshake Tired eyes are the death of me Mouthful of toothpaste before I got to know you I've got your face hung up high in the gallery

All those little things, the cotidianity of the first few times someone sleeps over, brushing your teeth side by side, seeing them just woken up, hanging around in the kitchen making breakfast. He's thinking back to all that.

While also being really sad that they don't have that anymore:

I don't wanna make you feel bad But I've been trying hard not to talk to you Sunflower (Sunflower, sunflower) (...) I don't wanna make you feel bad But I've been trying hard not to act a fool Sunflower (Sunflower, sunflower)

Because he told her they shouldn't talk, and he doesn't want to make a fool of himself while she's with someone else. And also being really sad that she never got to open up to him fully.

Let me inside, I wanna get to know you (...) Let me inside, wish I could get to know you

And he's saying, the flowers (the relationship) have died (ended), but they're sunflowers. And when sunflowers die, you get sunflower seeds. The very center of a sunflower is where its seeds are, and the flower needs to die for hundreds if not thousands of seeds to come out.

It's all part of the process. It's a stage of growth, hence Vol. 6.

He's taking all of this, all of these feelings, all of this yearning, all of this love, and he's planting it in his melody, in my music. He's making art out of his heartbreak.

Sunflowers sometimes keep it sweet in your memory (...) Your flowers just died, plant new seeds in the melody (...) Sunflowers just died, keep it sweet in your memory

The flowers died, but I'm planting them in my melody, and the good things will live forever.

Fine Line is a beautiful album, which does tell a story beginning to end, just not chronologically.

There aren't any bad guys, or bad people. He's not calling himself out. Or her out. He's not pointing fingers. He's not mad.

He's processing going through this heartbreak, and trying to make it all better. Learning from it, getting to know himself. One day I'll analyze Lights Up and She a little closer, but that day won't be for a while, because this fandom is incapable of being normal about that sort of thing.

I have other things cooking, but tonight I just wanted it to be about Harry and the beautiful album he made, and the wonderful conversations me and my friends have when we miss him.

I hope he's doing alright, taking care of himself, and surrounded by family.

If anyone made it all the way here, congrats! And thank you.

I'll probably run through this lately and correct a few grammar mistakes, but I just want to put it out now.

[aisakalegacy]

Hiver 1921, Hylewood, Canada (5/15)

Puisque je n’allais pas resté planté là à attendre éternellement d’être gobé par un autre prédateur que je pensais éteint, j’ai pris les choses en main. Dès le lendemain, j’ai levé le camp. J’avais pris ma décision : j’allais rejoindre la côte par mes propres moyens, quand bien même cela signifiait traverser à pied les deux cent cinquante miles de désert qui m’en séparait.

J’ai remonté le Nil jusqu’à Assouan, puis j’ai marché vingt jours vers l’est. Cette traversée du désert a été une expérience presque mystique pour moi. Isolé, sans aucune réserve de haschich pour atténuer les manifestations de mes états-limites, complètement isolé du monde - plus encore que je l’avais été à Abou Simbel.

Un soir, un sixam à pois est venu me disputer la perdrix que j’avais chassée. J’ai partagé ma pitance avec lui, et le rapace a commencé à me suivre partout, certainement dans l’espoir que je continue à le nourrir sans qu’il n’ait plus à fournir aucun effort. Je l’ai appelé Rif, comme la montagne marocaine, et il fut mon seul compagnon tout le temps où dura mon trajet.

Toute cette aventure et la grande solitude dans laquelle elle m’avait plongé me donna tout le temps du monde pour me lancer dans une grande introspection. Je pensais beaucoup à mes enfants, au plaisir que j’aurais de les retrouver, et je pris la décision que ce voyage serait mon dernier.

[Transcription] Rif : Hoot hoot ! Jules LeBris : Je sais, ami strigidé. La chaleur est implacable et notre voyage est long. Jules LeBris : Mais nous devons continuer, car notre survie en dépend ! Jules LeBris : Enfin… La mienne. Je suppose que si le désert devait m’avoir, tu ne te gênerais pas pour te faire un festin… Rif : Hoot !

[ernestinee]

J'ai terminé il y a quelques jours "Croire aux fauves" de Nastassja Martin.

L'histoire d'une femme, anthropologue, qui lors d'une mission en Sibérie, se retrouve face à un ours. Confrontation sanglante dont chacun ressortira vivant. Elle a enfoncé son piolet sous sa fourrure alors qu'elle sentait la moitié de sa tête craquer sous les dents du fauve.

L'hospitalisation suit, en Russie puis en France, chaque pays ayant ses méthodes. On suit ensuite sa guérison psychologique, son introspection. La psychologie se mélange aux croyances propres à la Sibérie, les rêves frôlent la réalité, son ours la hante et elle se rend compte que désormais liés, elle hante également son ours.

"Il existe selon Clarence un sans-limites qui affleure à la surface du présent, un temps du rêve qui se nourrit de chaque fragment d'histoire qu'on continue d'y adjoindre. Il y a dans le monde une latence et un bouillonnement, semblables à la lave qui attend sous le volcan"

L'histoire m'a beaucoup plu, j'avais d'abord aimé ce côté "warrior" perçu dans le résumé et de ce point de vue, j'étais ravie.

On sent l'anthropologue qui analyse, retrace, contourne, et certains passages sont alambiqués avec cette sensation que parfois, elle s'installe dans sa bulle et écrit exclusivement pour elle-même.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

[auboutdespages]

AU BOUT DES PAGES

Hey les papivores 2.0, aujourd’hui nous allons plonger dans un univers mélancolique. Katherine PANCOL célèbre romancière française, est une écrivaine dont le style se caractérise à l’américaine marqué par de nombreux dialogues et ses récits qui décrivent souvent des destins chaotiques de femmes indépendantes.

ROMAN

« Les écureuils de Central Park sont tristes le lundi », Katherine PANCOL.

Le PITCH, d’abord !

Souvent la vie s’amuse.

Elle nous offre un diamant, caché sous un ticket de métro ou le tombé d’un rideau. Embusqué dans un mot, un regard, un sourire un peu nigaud.

Il faut faire attention aux détails. Ils sèment notre vie de petits cailloux et nous guident.

Les gens brutaux, les gens pressés, ceux qui portent des gants de boxe ou font gicler le gravier, ignorent les détails.

Ils veulent du lourd, de l’imposant, du clinquant, ils ne veulent pas perdre une minute à se baisser pour un sou, une paille, la main d’un homme tremblant.

Mais si on se penche, si on arrête le temps, on découvre des diamants dans une main tendue…

Et la vie n’est plus jamais triste. Ni le samedi, ni le dimanche, ni le lundi…

Mon AVIS, humblement !

Belles tranches de vies que nous livre ici, en grand chef, Katherine Pancol, tartinées tantôt de miel, tantôt de pâte à tartiner bon marché, mais toujours accompagnées de son fameux tea time dont elle seule à le secret.

On lui pardonnera sans problème cette éternelle histoire d'amour manquée entre Philippe et Joséphine (mais où va-t-elle chercher les prénoms de ses héroïnes ??), mais on l'attend au détour des traits de cet étonnant Junior, surdoué improbable qui casse quelque peu la véracité des propos.

Bien moins malin celui qui trouvera dans ces pages le fil rouge qui a fait le succès de l'opus précédent (La Valse lente des tortues)... on le cherche mais on ne le trouve point, perdu qu'il est peut-être entre les tourments de cette croqueuse d'Hortence (décidément, les prénoms sont un mystère pour Madame Pancol... ) et les pérégrinations de cette bonne vieille Henriette.

Toujours est-il qu'une unité de ton se propage dans les méandres de cette saga familiale à l'américaine, digne des meilleurs Dallas, un questionnement uniforme sur le rapport étroit entre hommes, à l'image du Petit Jeune Homme, vers de terre amoureux d'une étoile filante, de Gary poursuivant un père fantoche ou de Junior devenant un homme au contact du paternel.

Pancol nous en met plein la vue cette fois, en nous faisant entrer dans de nombreux mondes qui nous sont contemporains : celui des affaires internationales, évocant cette "crise financière" si proche de nous ; celui du "gratin" parisien, celui de l'écriture et de sa longue introspection ; une belle galerie de personnages, connus ou nouveaux, nous est alors donnée en pâture, donnant au livre un beau relief qui explique ses presque 1000 pages. Le lecteur en a pour son argent, il est content, content également de refermer ce troisième opus, dernier d'une longue saga qui menace de tourner en rond s'il propose un quatrième volet.

Bref, un écrin brillant et divertissant comme on les aime aujourd'hui, même s'il souffre de quelques incongruités.

[strawbrryflds]

( ELLE FANNING. CIS - WOMAN . SHE/HER ) - the chicago resident , ( CLARA LOVELACE ) , was heard blaring ( DREAMS/ THE CRANBERRIES ) this morning . the ( TWENTY THREE ) year old is a ( MUSICIAN  ) in the city & has lived the ( WEST ) tower for ( TWO YEAR ) . since being here , they have been told to be ( - GULLIBLE ) , but also ( + ENERGETIC ) , i guess we’ll find out soon !

BASICS

pinterest

full name: clara elise lovelace.

nicknames: doesn't really go by any nicknames, though people will often tease her with love or sunshine.

age: twenty three.

birthday: march 21st.

birthplace: london, england.

gender: cis woman.

pronouns: she/her.

sexuality: bisexual.

education: bachelor of music.

occupation: is always auditioning and performing on some show or another, concerts, operas, weird conceptual theatre pieces, etc, be it as a musician or singer. her only rule is that she’ll only take a job if it sounds fun. also does music lessons, mostly for kids because she adores them.

skills: will play anything she can get her hands on, though she prefers stringed instruments like the piano, acoustic guitar and her darling, the autoharp. 

BACKGROUND

like a diamond, clara shines so brightly that is difficult to see all of her facets. she comes from an incredibly to do but emotionally neglectful family. she entered the junior program at the royal academy of music at fifteen, and eventually graduated with a bachelor of music at only nineteen. she always thought that was the path to make her parents proud, but when they didn’t go to he graduation because of a work trip, clara finally understood that nothing would. so she packed her instruments and took the first plane out of the uk.

like many bright eyes young things, the first place clara went to was new york, where she worked as a broadway musician and became progressively more disillusioned with the great white way. after a very messy (and perhaps inevitable) breakup with her girlfriend and roommate, clara decided to pack her instruments and travel the country. however, she didn't stay traveling for long: after taking a couple of odd jobs in chicago, she decided to stay in the city for good.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

opposites attract: the midnight rain to clara’s sunshine, someone who tends to be a bit more introspective and pessimistic about life. two people as different as these two should not get along, and yet they defy all odds by fitting together perfectly

ex girlfriend: clara and this girl were originally roommates in new york, but started some kind of relationship very early on. however, they had a terribly messy break up, and clara packed up and disappeared in the middle of the night. but now they’re in the same city yet again! the drama!

fellow musicians/artists

childhood friend: a fellow londoner who ended up in chicago.

mutual annoyance: clara is in many ways like a kid on a sugar rush. 24/7. you either love her or hate her and this muse is not really sold on her sunshine and rainbows view of the world.

[nox-ceur]

An average conversation in the gc 🤣

@legacyshenanigans @nyx91

[some-little-infamy]

Too Important to Hide

(Read on AO3)

Despite Evan’s obvious hesitation, things are going relatively well. The conversation’s going great and the food and drinks are delicious (as far as beer and pizza go, some of the best Tommy’s had stateside), and he thinks that in the shadows of a dark theater will be just what Evan needs to fall back into a feeling of ease with the whole first date thing.

Until Eddie shows up. Tommy covers quickly - just some food and a movie - no talk of dates, no implications that they’re anything more than just hanging out. He wants to spare Evan the panic of not knowing what to say to Eddie here, in public, in front of Tommy and a room full of strangers. It should’ve been enough, but it isn’t.

“And then we’re going to go find some hot chicks.”

The second the words leave Evan’s mouth, Tommy freezes. He knows Evan is panicking, he remembers what it’s like to go on those first few dates… and he knows that he can’t go back there. He can’t be that person again, not for anyone, not even for Evan, and that kills him. Tommy remembers how miserable it was, how miserable he was, and that defensive part of him comes back in a way he isn’t proud of.

Eddie comments about always needing more closet space for Marisol, when Tommy quips, “Ain’t that the truth. Right, Evan?”

The words are harsh, bitter, and he isn't even sure Evan, in all his queer realization infancy, even understands the double-entendre.

Tommy can’t do this. He can’t be here, not while he feels like this. Not when he might say something to Evan he’ll truly regret and ruin this entire experience for him more than it already is.

Once Tommy’s back home, fully removed from the situation and at ease in his living room with a bottle of beer, he can finally parse through his own thoughts and feelings.

It doesn’t take him long to realize that it isn’t Buck’s inability to come out to Eddie that upset Tommy, so much as Evan’s need to toss Tommy back in that closet with him that sent his fight-or-flight into overdrive at the end of their date. It took everything in Tommy to be comfortable with who he is and who he wants to love, and in one second of Evan uttering the words “hot chicks” he felt like he was back at the old 118, forced to laugh at homophobic jokes to save face.

It isn’t just that Evan isn’t ready to be out, it’s that Tommy isn’t ready to have to hide their relationship just to have one. It feels selfish, like it’s a small compromise he should be able to make for Evan’s sake… but it isn’t a small thing, not to Tommy.

Fuck.

He hates this. He hates the look of disappointment he saw on Evan’s face when he got into that car without him. He hates the way he broke things off so easily on the sidewalk knowing how important the night was for Evan - Evan, who still wanted to go to the movies, even after everything else. Tommy likes Evan. Calling him adorable was a downplay - everything about the man is so frustratingly endearing on top of his obvious physical attraction, and a part of Tommy debates picking up the phone and calling him then and there.

He doesn’t. He gives it a day. He’ll reach back out then, at least to clear the air now that he has a better handle on his own mind. He doesn’t want to rush Evan, who probably needs more than an hour or two to process his own feelings about all of this. Not just the night, not just Tommy, but all of it. It took Tommy years to get to the space he needed to be in, both in his environment as well as internally. He doesn’t expect Evan to get there in an hour, and Evan deserves better than being bombarded with deep talks and ultimatums.

Because that’s what it’ll come down to, in the end. Evan isn’t ready to be fully out, and Tommy isn’t ready to pretend he and his date are going to go pick up chicks later as a cover, and unless one of them is willing to compromise this simply isn’t the right place, right time for the two of them. And that’s okay. Tommy’s willing to accept that, to walk away from Evan as a romantic partner and keep him as a friend… but he doesn’t know that Evan is. The last thing he wants is for Evan to feel forced to compromise his own comfort to stay with Tommy, to agree to a life he isn’t ready to live just to make Tommy happy.

So Tommy waits, and carefully thinks and overthinks the next words he’ll say to Evan when he calls the next day.

Except Evan calls first.

“Hey… Hey, Tommy. You answered,” Evan says, the relief palpable through the phone.

“Of course I did,” Tommy reassures him, heart already aching over how nervous Evan sounds.

“Of course you did,” Evan repeats, as if trying to convince himself that he’s deserving of Tommy’s attention. “Listen, uh… I want to talk.”

“We are talking,” Tommy points out.

Evan laughs, that same nervous burst of a sound that Tommy’s already used to hearing, and it brings a smile to his face that Evan can’t see through the phone.

“Yeah, uh, I guess we are. But I mean, I want to talk in person. If that’s okay,” Evan adds quickly, giving Tommy an easy out.

“Sure,” Tommy agrees easily, eager to make this as painless for Evan as possible. Whatever Evan’s thinking, whatever he wants to say, Tommy wants to hear. He wants to be there for Evan, the way he was trying to be last night before his own emotions got the best of him.

“Maybe over coffee? Not like a date. I mean, not… not like a date, if you wanted, but after last night I wouldn’t blame you if-”

“Evan,” Tommy interrupts softly, kindly. “Coffee sounds fine.”

“Okay,” Evan says, the word more breathed out than spoken. “So coffee. Tomorrow morning. Text me somewhere you like and we’ll meet at eight?”

“Eight is great,” Tommy can’t help saying, smirking a bit to himself.

“Great,” Evan echoes back, and Tommy isn’t sure if he’s imagining the sound of the smile that seems to accompany the word before they hang up.

Some things matter too much to say over text or a phone call, Tommy remembers saying during his visit to Evan’s apartment. Tommy can only hope that whatever it is that remains between them still matters that much to Evan, because it matters that much to him.

[cogito-ergo-absens]

🔹 "La Voie du Réel" de Nathalie Delay : Une Révélation Tantrique 🌿

Je viens de terminer la lecture de "La Voie du Réel", et c'est bien plus qu'un simple livre sur le yoga tantrique. Nathalie Delay, avec une pertinence rare, nous expose sa vision des dharanas, ces techniques de concentration puissantes. Son écriture directe, sans filtre de traduction, pique le lecteur et le prend à contre-pied sur de nombreux sujets, même pour ceux d'entre nous qui ont déjà exploré le tantra en profondeur. 📖✨

Ce qui m'a particulièrement marqué, c'est l'angle de vue inédit qu'elle apporte à des pratiques spirituelles que je pensais bien connaître. Elle nous invite à reconsidérer nos certitudes, à plonger plus loin dans notre introspection et à toucher un réel plus authentique. 🌀

Pour les passionnés de tantra ou simplement ceux en quête d'une réflexion spirituelle profonde, je recommande chaudement ce livre ! 🙏

[will80sbyers]

Arguing mike cannot be oblivious at all made no sense to me either because it is pretty common in fiction. Especially in love triangles too.

Tao comparison is on spot. It makes perfect sense that he was confused and didnt realize his attraction just yet and because him and Elle were friends from the childhood, he could feel the sparks of course but he didnt realize what those meant.

I think what needs for Mike to understand his feelings for Will like how Tao's figuring out things was portrayed in Heartstopper.

Yeah I think he's gonna start realizing a few things next season starting from the painting reveal and El dumping him again lol

Season 5 is going to be a self introspective journey for Mike too like for every other character

I hope we also get a parallel of him talking to Nancy about his crush on Will exactly like he talked to her in season 1 when he had a crush on El, but this time he's more mature and they are in a different situation and grew closer during the years because of the upside down so Mike is honest with Nancy and Nancy gives him some good advice about following his heart because that's the most important thing

she can even use her relationships with Jonathan and Steve as an example to explain to Mike because they can relate thanks to all the parallels!

[tarot-by-e11e]

Hiii there Elle effing excited for this new game!! You bring such fresh perspectives and your readings are so great really pumped for it

My initials: SG

My recent 5 emojis: 🐍🎊✨️💀👀

Three things I'm learning to love about myself ; That I am indeed different from my peers and that's ok, My tendency to be picky in relationships, My intense nature

I'm aiming to be comfortable and to achieve harmony in it by Journaling and introspection to understand myself more and of course spending more time with myself by visiting places where I want to visit but am too self conscious to do so and Delving deep into my hobbies to understand my core

My favorite unexpected song : Stillness speaks by Lucas Piano

My most important goal I wish to achieve this year : I wish to achieve detachment from all materialistic desires and to become different almost unrecognizable.

Thank you ✨️🐍🐍🐍

Hi SG,

Thank you so much for participating in my new ask game.

I'm proud for being willing to put in the work to learn to love yourself. Don't ever invalidate any effort to make this your reality, okay? I hope you keep putting the effort to doing things for your sake.

Ooohh a new song!! I'll listen to this after finishing the readings~

Hoping and wishing that you get to achieve your goals!

These are the cards I pulled out for you: Magician, Queen of Coins, Empress

The first card suggests that you focus and be resourceful with how you achieve your goals. There's this loud emphasis on resourcefulness and willpower in your reading. Another interpretation to this card is establishing a daily manifestation habit. Like, affirmations and gratitude practices~

The next card suggests that you need to learn the difference between generous versus being a chronic people pleaser. Like, learn what your limits are, this refers to how much energy you have in your body before offering to help someone else out.

Another interpretation is to never forget to nurture yourself. I'm not just talking about food nourishment. Feed your soul, feed your passions. Feel free how to interpret those words~

Finally, the last card suggests that you step into your sensuality and creative side. You might have been so used to being in your assertive mode that you struggle to be okay with receiving any help or opportunities. There's this strong need to learn to embrace being comfortable in the receiving position. It's like, your limited and scarcity mindset has actually blocked your abundance that was meant for you.

This is as far as I could interpret for your reading. Thank you so much for being my participant!

Feel free to tip me in my Buy me a Coffee account (to show support) ahehe [Not required, but most grateful if you did]~ (This reading is for entertainment purposes only)