#elf is a douche

[chancellor-reno5]

Nanbaka Ramble incoming

Enki deserved better. The way that the murder wasn't his fault, it was instead Elf's. He lost a brother because of Elf. He lost his job because of Elf.

He ripped his own heart out because of Elf.

If someone had realised it was Elf the whole time, Enki would've lived

And why did it have to be Samon that found his body?

Ramble over (I may have gotten some bits mixed up but heyho !)

[whiteladyofithilien]

I think my main reason for shipping Caranthir and Haleth is because we need at least one inter-race Tolkien couple where the human is a woman. Like all three canon human-elven pairings it's always the fabulous fae elven beauty and the heroic dude and I'm like... What about a mighty elf-lord and his badass human lady? Hmm? I need this to be a thing and Haleth/Caranthir is the only ship I know of that has that dynamic going for it plus of the middle three sons of Feanor Caranthir is the only one NOT part of the attacks on Luthien... therefore he's the best of those 3

[yanderenightmare]

2023 collection part two

July

BNHA—Yandere captor Deku and all his selfish imposing ways:

♡ SELFISH

BNHA—Shigaraki finds his soulmate:

♡ FATE CAN BE A BTICH

JJK—Naoya x cureless maid reader:

♡ PROPOSAL GIFT

BNHA—Alpha Bakugou mating his terrified Omega reader:

♡ Five Steps for Alphas Mating Omegas

BNHA—Poly wolf-boys Bakugo and Deku with a bunny reader in heat:

♡ HEATED

HQ!!—Bully Tsukishima helps you study:

♡ DINKERBELL

JJK—Mahito discovers his carnal urges:

♡ PLAYTHING

JJK—How scary is yandere captor Gojo:

♡ SCARY

JJK—How strict husband Naoya is with his little wife:

♡ LUCKY BRIDE

JJK—Sukuna making terrified reader sit in his lap:

♡ SCARY-HOT

JJK—Sukuna tells you his real name:

♡ FORGIVEN

August

JJK—Cult leader Geto takes advantage of one of his devotees:

♡ MONKEY

JJK—Geto likes seeing you cry:

♡ DACROPHILIA

September

JJK—Toji was paid to kill you but decided to take you instead:

♡ BARGAIN SALE

JJK—Toji fucking his captive darling:

♡ smutty drabble

BNHA—Yandere Shigaraki roofying his cheerleader crush at a party:

♡ CHEERS

JJK—Cockwarming Mahito while he reads you horror stories:

♡ SCAREDY-CAT

BNHA—Deku terrorizes his ex-girlfriend:

♡ GREEN PAISLEY

BNHA—Parole officer Bakugou accepts your bribe:

♡ OUR LITTLE SECRET

BNHA—Jock bully Bakugou fucks nerdy reader:

♡ SECRET OBSESSION

BNHA—Bakugou likes his hopeless classmate:

♡ COOKING CLUB

JJK—Yandere Yuta x kidnapped reader:

♡ SAFE

BNHA—Shigaraki is all about the tits:

♡ TITTIES

JJK—Gojo and Geto x assistant supervisor:

♡ SUIT

Misogynist boyfriend keeps you captive:

♡ A SHITTY MOVIE

October

JJK—Sukuna with his beloved before he became a demon:

♡ SPIDERLILLY

BNHA—Douche fuckboy Deku and his biggest fan:

♡ FANGIRL'S DREAM

JJK—Geto x curse darling:

♡ PAYMENT

JJK—Gojo x curse darling:

♡ MEETING ♡ LIVING TOGETHER ♡ ANGST

BNHA—Shigaraki reacts to his darling developing Stockholm Syndrome:

♡ KISSES

BNHA—Overworked and touch-starved Prohero Bakugou x girlfriend reader:

♡ ONE MORE TIME?

JJK—Mahito can't transfigure you:

♡ PURE

JJK—Megumi surprisingly has game:

♡ SHAMELESS

JJK men x curse darling:

♡ CURSE DARLINGS

BNHA—Wolfboy Shigaraki buys bunny reader from a sex trafficker:

♡ DEAL

JJK—Sadist Gojo with curse darling:

♡ WEAKNESS

JJK—Mahito goes from platonic yandere to romantic yandere:

♡ PET 

Thirsty thoughts on big yanderes x tiny darlings:

♡ FUN-SIZED

JJK—Nanami comes home tattered and bloody from a job:

♡ GONE

JJK—Megumi when he’s older and looks more like Toji:

♡ THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR

BNHA—Orc Enji x elf reader:

♡ ORC x ELVEN PRINCESS ♡ ORC x ELF

November

Thirsty thoughts on big yanderes x tiny darlings:

♡ GENTLE GIANT

BNHA—Fuckfriend Bakugou turns yandere:

♡ BORING

BNHA—Yandere captor Bakugou wants captive darling to be willing:

♡ WILLINGLY OR NOT

JJK—Bully Gojo teaching his little victim a lesson about who she belongs to:

♡ BULLY GOJO

JJK—Bully Gojo & Geto drugging crush:

♡ ODD…

BNHA—Reader develops Stockholm Syndrome for Dabi:

♡ PERFECT

BNHA—Incel Bakugou kidnaps reader to be his sex-puppet:

♡ TOUCH

JJK—Poly Gojo and Geto sharing captive darling headcanons:

♡ HOUSEWIFE

BNHA—Prohero Bakugou going yandere for childhood friend and coworker:

♡ EMPTY SHELLS

BNHA—Hermit forest-dweller Bakugou takes lost hiker reader captive:

♡ HERMIT

JJK—Bully boyfriend Gojo roleplay and fluff:

♡ NEVER

JJK—Gojo being a pervy wierdo with strange taste:

♡ WIERDO

JJK—Smug teasing boyfriend Gojo:

♡ PLAY

JJK—You didn't pay Toji's fee, so now he's coming to collect:

♡ BOUNTY

BNHA—Gross Shigaraki makes you wash him:

♡ SHOWER

Step-bro creeps on you:

♡ CREEP STEP-BRO

BNHA—Yandere sadist Shigaraki is really into BDSM:

♡ PET

BNHA—Shigaraki drugs and fucks Dabi's pretty girlfriend:

♡ GOODIE TWO SHOES

JJK—Sex therapist Nanami being pervy with his patient:

♡ SEX THERAPY ♡ SEQUAL kinda

Orc master loves making a cum-slut out of his pretty elf slave:

♡ ORC x ELF ♡ ORC x ELF

Punished for trying to run away from your yandere captor:

♡ PUNISHED

JJK—Ex-boyfriend Sukuna fucks you at a party:

♡ EX

BNHA—Poly Proheroes Bakugo and Deku blackmails criminal reader:

♡ STREET SCUM

JJK—The Itadoris all living together in a run-down house:

♡ SHAMELESS

BNHA—Dabi has new cock-piercings he wants to try out:

♡ ARMED AND READY

December

BNHA—Soldier Hawks & Dabi knock on your door and expect to be fed:

♡ THE QUARTERING ACT

JJK—Mahito is like a nosy roommate:

♡ PRACTICE

JJK—Arranged marriage with Geto, but he shares you with Gojo:

♡ ARRANGED MARRIAGE

Yandere kidnapper softly nonconning darling:

♡ SOFT NONCON

BNHA—Incel Shigaraki crushes on the pretty store clerk at the comic/game shop:

♡ CUSTOMER SERVICE

Colleague crushing on reader in office au:

♡ CUT TO THE CHASE

JJK—Sorceror reader teasing imprisoned Sukuna:

♡ INSUFFERABLE

JJK—Alpha Gojo teasing Omega reader:

♡ SCARED?

Strict yandere captor hates when you curse:

♡ FILTHY

BNHA—Shiggy and Dabi share a darling:

♡ PULLED LEFT AND RIGHT

BNHA—Shigaraki is the worst BNHA yandere:

♡ FILTHY

Yandere kidnapper takes your virginty:

♡ VIRGINITY

JJK—Sukuna gatekeeps you:

♡ CHASTITY BELT

BNHA—Alpha Bakugou figures out why he bullies Omega reader:

♡ LESSON ♡ HEAT

JJK—Gojo is too late to make you his:

♡ SOMEONE ELSE

JJK—Yandere Gojo fighting your man for your hand:

♡ DUEL

Your strict teacher fucks your throat raw in detention:

♡ DETENTION

♡ 2023 COLLECTION PART ONE

[thechaoticdruid]

[This Bites] (3)

Pairing: Astarion x F! Chubby MC

Content/Warnings: Sexual humor, suggestive content, animal death, blood, slight angst, no Brian yay!, Winnie freaking out again, fluff,

Quick summary: Winnie gets Star out of the house after being cooped up since his arrival. Vampire hijinks ensue.

Chapter Two: Go Back

Chapter Three: Stay here.

Chapter Four: Lets fucking goooo!

Check out this silly recreation of the chapter in The Sims I did.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Hiding a secret pet from your parents was stressful enough, but hiding a whole grown ass man in your room would likely be a thousand times as nerve wracking.  Especially with a step douche who had a habit of barging into the room. Luckily for Winnie, her stepfather was never a quiet man, always stomping along the floor in thick combat boots. And her current stowaway was very perceptive. That still didn't cover all her issues. Winnie had searched all over Nexus Mods for that damn cheat mod she downloaded but could not find it again. It was as if the creator deleted it just after Astarion got out. To make matters worse the vampire was likely starting to get hungry. He'd been gazing at her more and more longingly each day since his escape from the computer. She'd need a way for feeding her guest which didn't involve anyone getting sucked flat like a caprisun. Of course she thought about offering him her own blood, but the idea honestly made her uneasy. In fantasy it was very appealing, having an extremely attractive and alluring man suck on your neck, what's not to like? There was the whole sharp teeth tearing into your flesh aspect, but in fantasy there was no pain, no need to worry about death. Just sweet sweet blissful fantasy. But that was not the case now.  In reality if Astarion were to sink his fangs into her neck he wouldn't need to drink all her blood to kill her. She'd probably bleed out from her jugular being punctured alone. 

Winnie stared over at him as he peeked out the window. Night had fallen and he didn't need to worry about the sun. At least not for a while. 

Winnie sighed, “I have no idea how I'm going to feed you if I'm honest.” 

“Since you're so keen on protecting our dear friend Brian I suppose that leaves me with having to go out and hunt for my next meal, well unless you'd be generous enough to offer me your lovely neck.” 

“I don't think that's a good idea, but I guess my arm might be okay…” Winnie lifted up her arm to look at it. 

“You love to take the fun out of things don’t you? But alright, I'm not about to turn down a willing meal.” Astarion's pupils practically dilated at the sight of the veins on Winnie’s arm. His mouth watering at the thought of her warm blood coating his throat and he couldn't help but lick his lips.

“Hold on! I didn't mean right this second!” Winnie hid her arm behind her back, her cheeks turning red at the hungry look he was giving her. 

“Such a tease.” Astarion huffed and crossed his arms.

“I had some things planned for tonight and I can't do them if my head is spinning from blood loss.”  Winnie said before searching through her closet.

She pulled out a large duffle bag and began to unzip it. Inside were some hoodies and other clothing. Grey and black T-shirts, some jeans and a pair of sneakers. “Here, these were my brother's, they’ll probably fit you.” Winnie said before tossing the bag onto the bed.

Astarion made a disgusted sound.

“These are so tasteless and drab!” 

“We’ll get you something more suitable to your tastes later. For now you need to be able to blend in.” Winnie explained. Astarion muttered something under his breath before he started removing his purple doublet and exposing his pale muscular chest. He was so perfect, so flawless. Winnie’s brain honestly turned off for a moment as the elf then proceeded to slide down his pants. Her eyes nearly entranced by a certain large shape in his drawers, her face turning bright red. 

“My eyes are up here, darling.~”Astarion purred, voice husky and soft. 

“A-Ah sorry! I should….” Winnie sputtered before scrambling off into the connecting bathroom. Astarion chuckled a bit, watching the flustered female dash out of the room. He couldn't help but find her rather adorable.  Winnie stood in the bathroom for a few moments, heart pounding as she pressed her back against the door. 

Oh God, why didn't I walk out sooner!?

“You can come out now, my dear.” Eventually Astarion's voice broke her from her thoughts. The human girl let out an exasperated sigh before opening the door and heading back in. The clothes were a little tight around his body, making his muscles quite visible through the light gray tee.  Winnie quickly grabbed a black hoodie and handed it to him. “Here, put this on.” She said, watching him slide the jacket on. Winnie zipped it up for him before leaning up on her tiptoes and  pulling the hood over his head.

“Hey! My hair!” He whined.

“I'll fix it for you later. Right now I don't want anyone gawking over your ears.”

“Why would anyone be doing that?” 

“Ah, right. You see, in this world there are no elves, no magic, no vampires….Just humans really.” Winnie rubbed the back of her head. 

“Really? Gods, how dull. Not that I mind being the only vampire around. That actually sounds rather delightful.” Astarion smirked a bit. 

“Please don't get in any world domination ideas. Just because there aren't any vampires doesn't mean there aren't people who can tear you a new one.” Winnie sighed before peeking out the door into the hall. “Okay, they're asleep. Now come on.” Winnie said quietly.

“Where are we going?” Astarion whispered, slowly following Winnie as they tiptoed out of the house. 

“We're heading out to town. It's probably a good idea for you to get acquainted with the area just in  case something bad happens.” Winnie explained, “plus I feel bad about keeping you locked up in my room for days.” She then took out her cellphone and shook it, causing the flashlight to turn on.

“I thought you said, you didn't have magic here.” 

“We don't. This my fanged friend is technology. It’s a machine mostly for talking to people far away, but also does a bunch of other stuff.” Winnie used her phone to navigate in the dark as they began walking down across her driveway. Winnie’s neighborhood was quiet, each of the houses were fairly spaced out with plenty of trees and brush littering the terrain.  Parked in the yard near her family’s cars was a purple motorcycle. 

“Oh, and this is my trusty steed! Or well it's basically my personal source of transportation. Think of it like a horse but made of metal. To make it even better this won't decide to turn around and bite you!” Winnie said with a smile.

“As wonderful as that sounds. I'm not quite sure about climbing onto some strange metal contraption.” 

“Well…If you'd rather walk….” Winnie said in a sing-songy tone, putting her phone into her pocket.

“Nevermind! Let's go!” 

Winnie climbed on the bike, her hands gripping the handles as she glanced over at Astarion. He looked the vehicle over curiously, nearly jumping up in the air when the girl turned on the engine. 

“Come on!” Winnie said.  Hesitantly he climbed on and immediately clung to Winnie, arms wrapped around her plush waist. 

“Oh, this is rather intimate.~” Astarion took the opportunity to nuzzle his face into her neck, growing a bit more comfortable as he held onto her soft form. Winnie immediately turned bright red, a shiver going down her spine.  She didn't really think this through did she? 

Focus! Do not let the incredibly sexy vampire elf hugging your back cause you to have a crash! 

We are not dying because of horniniess goddamnit!

Winnie mentally scolded herself as she drove off. Not that she disliked his attentions, mind you. She was just very easily flustered, never having been in any kind of romantic relationship, physical or otherwise.  Astarion sighed into her neck, The smell of lavender and cherry blossoms mixed with the delectable scent of her blood was absolutely heavenly.  It took all he had to resist the urge to sink his fangs into her neck and gorge himself on her blood.

Winnie kept her eyes on the road, the headlights of her motorcycle illuminated the street as they zoomed down it.  There weren't too many cars on the road so Winnie could be thankful for that. 

They rode away from the suburbs where Winnie’s home resided, eventually until coming towards a small shop just outside of the city. A large sign that read ‘CornerStore’ sat atop the building and illuminated the parking lot.

“This is where I work.” Winnie said as she turned into the parking lot. She parked up front in her usual spot before turning off the engine and hopping off. 

“Well this seems like a cozy little shop.” Astarion said, getting off. “What exactly could you precure here?” 

“Mostly snacks. Some hygiene products and other things. Just stuff you need around your home really.” Winnie said, leaning up on her toes to fix his hoodie before leading him inside. 

Winnie looked around the shop, thinking about anything she could get which would be useful for her new guest to have in the future. She couldn't get too much however. She only had so much room in the little trunk she had on her motorcycle. 

Bandages would be a good idea, shampoo…. Though he'd likely complain if it was some kind of cheap smelling stuff….

Astarion looked over Winnie as she scanned around the store. His tongue flicked over his fangs as he couldn't help but stare at her jugular. The gnawing pain in his stomach was crying out, demanding to be sated. He backed up as Winnie became engrossed in the products that decorated the shelves. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a small creature outside the shop. Almost cat-like, but with a longer snout, a ringed tail and tiny black hands.  The creature appeared to be picking around in the trash outside. Not his first choice, but it had to at least be better than a rat.

Winnie kept looking through some hygiene products, wondering what her fanged friend would need when suddenly she heard what sounded like an angry raccoon. She quickly whipped her head around, heart nearly stopping when she noticed Astarion was gone. 

Quickly she rushed outside and glanced over to see a dead raccoon fall to the ground. Astarion stood over it, blood dripping down his chin. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Winnie whisper-shouted. 

“I was hungry…” Astarion shrugged, looking at her with round innocent eyes, mouth still covered in blood. Winnie grimaced, kicking the dead raccoon off to the side and out of sight before grabbing hold of Astarion and dragging him off. She pulled him into the store before making a beeline for the bathroom. She dragged him inside and slammed the door. 

The young woman pinched the bride of her nose, on the verge of tearing her hair out.  

“Please…Just please….Can you not do any vampire shit out where people can see you!?” Winnie said.

“No one was even around to see me. Sweetie, you worry far too much.” Astarion said, making a sassy hand gesture. Winnie crossed her arms and huffed, her eyebrow twitching.  She turned before grabbing some paper towels and wetting them. 

“You have to understand.” Winnie said calmly, “if people find out you're a vampire they'll probably try to kill you or worse cut you open and try to find out what makes you tick. Just please be careful.” She wiped the blood off his face before crumbling up the towels and burying them in the bottom of the trashcan. Astarion crossed his arms and stepped closer to her.

“I am a master of stealth, my dear. And if you expect me to just wait about for my next meal while you flaunt around that delicious neck of yours, I might not be able to control myself for long.” He said, running a clawed finger over her jugular making her shiver. His voice was playful, a bit flirty even, but the warning was still very clear. If she kept him waiting for too long he might not even be able to think before taking a bite out of her. 

“I promise I'll figure out a way to feed you, just give me time…Please.” 

“Oh alright, but only because you're so sweet.” He tapped her nose playfully. “And that little snack should keep me sated for now, ahaha.” 

Winnie washed her hands before leaving the bathroom to continue looking around for some supplies. Astarion followed after her, red eyes inspecting the isles with interest. Some of the objects looked familiar, but somehow still foreign.

A couple of times he'd ask Winnie what something was, and she'd do her best to explain, but sometimes it was difficult. Especially with some technological items that Winnie herself wasn't even completely educated on. 

She picked up a few things she deemed would be useful for hosting her guest, bandages, hygienic stuff and a burner phone. Winnie was about to go pay for the items when she froze, eyes widening in fear. Shit. Becca was working tonight. 

“Darling, are you alright?” The vampire’s voice was gentle. Astarion noticed Winnie’s fear and placed a hand on her shoulder before looking over to what had her tense. At the cash register was a tall skinny woman with long red hair, round red glasses and a face full of freckles. There was a black visor around her neck with a name tag attached along with several different round pins, most notable ones being a colorful pin with a pattern of pink and blue with a purple line in between and a second pin with what looked like a mind flayer on it. She wore a casual blue dress and didn't look the least but intimidating so Astarion was rather puzzled as to what had Winnie's heart pounding so wildly.

Becca was probably the closest thing Winnie had to a friend these days, considering practically all her peers from high school had ran off to start their own lives (the fucking plebs) and the two were able to bond a bit over a common interest in video games. See where this is going? Becca was a gamer. A rather devoted gamer who was always quick to snatch up any of the hot new triple A releases.  Winnie turned back to look at Astarion before quietly whispering, “when we go up to the counter do not say a word, okay?”

“Why?” Astarion asked.

“I'll explain it later, just stay quiet please.” She said before the two walked up to the register. Becca glanced up from the magazine she was looking over and smiled. Astarion held the small of Winnie’s back and stayed close to her. He was still not sure why Winnie was so frightened of this very simple looking woman. Though looks could be deceiving. She could be some kind of shapeshifter in disguise! 

“Winnie! I didn't think you'd be stopping by tonight.” Becca said in a cheerful tone. 

“Hey Becca!” Winnie greeted in a tone as perky as she could muster. “I…Just needed to pick up a few things I was running low on.” She said handing over the items. Becca’s blue eyes looked over Winnie’s face as she scanned the supplies.

She noticed her nervousness, but didn't seem too concerned. Winnie was known to get anxious quite easily. But then she noticed the male standing next to her and hummed. Becca noticed the white curls peeking out from under the hoodie he wore and took a long look at his very pretty face. He seemed very familiar, but she couldn't for the life of herself figure out why. 

“Winnie,” She spoke up in a playful tone, “is this your boyfriend? He is cute.” Becca teased with a wink. Astarion couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

“A-Ah! N-No! We're just friends!” Winnie said, getting very embarrassed. Astarion suddenly snapped his head towards her, a bit shocked at her words.

WHAT?!

Winnie ignored him the questioning looks he was giving her. She leaned over towards Becca. “I'm just helping him out. He's really really shy….” Winnie muttered to her. Astarion stood there arms crossed as he glared at Winnie slightly, eyebrow twitching.

“Oh, okay.” Becca responded, scanning and bagging up Winnie’s things. “That'll be 29.50.” 

Winnie paid for the supplies before walking out, Astarion stomping after her. She put the bags into the trunk of her motorcycle before she finally acknowledged his glaring.

“What?” She asked.

“Just friends? After everything we've been through, you and I are just friends?!” Astarion almost hissed out, but his tone sounded far more hurt than angry. 

“We literally just met a few days ago.” Winnie said, a bit confused. She backed up a bit, flinching at his tone.

“I wasn't lying when I said I fell in love with you over and over! I..I…Did something happen? Do you not like me anymore?” His voice sounded a bit hoarse. Winnie’s heart shattered as she noticed he looked like he was on the verge of tears. 

“Astarion…” She said softly before approaching him. “I do like you. I like you a lot, but you don't really know me ... .The person in the game, the brave strong beautiful adventurer. That's not me.” 

Astarion huffed, trying to blink away the glassiness of his eyes. 

“I fell in love with the sweet person who saved me, nothing else matters!” He took her hands in his. “Please…I want to be with you…” 

“Honey, you don't even know my birthday.” Winnie said with a sad smile. “And I….I'm really not sure. I know everything was probably quite real for you, but to me it was like I was just a spectator. Someone enjoying a good story. Hell I've never even kissed anyone in real life so the idea of jumping into a serious relationship out of nowhere is honestly terrifying…” Winnie said and looked off to the side. The silver haired male took a moment to regain his composure, wiping one of his eyes.

Winnie thought for a moment before looking back at him and gently squeezed his hands.

“Look, I don't have a lot of experience in this, but maybe we could start over? I could court you, maybe?” 

“Oh….Y-Yes…Yes that would make me very…happy…” The vampire blinked away his tears before mustering up a smile. Winnie released his hands, before hesitantly moving in closer. She thought about going in for a hug before she noticed him lean closer, lips puckered. 

Quickly she stopped his mouth with her index finger. 

“I'm…Not ready for that just yet…” She said with a sad smile as he pulled back. 

“Of course, apologies…I misunderstood.” He said feeling a bit embarrassed. Winnie quickly decided to just pull close for a hug before anything else happened. Astarion relaxed a bit, taking comfort in her embrace, and quickly wrapping his arms around her. It was difficult. His relationship had now practically been set back to stage one. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

After Astarion had calmed down and the two of them left the Corner Store. Winnie decided to keep her word about beginning a courtship with her flamboyantly fanged friend.  The night was still young and a date was the perfect excuse for Winnie to stop somewhere to look for something edible to sate her own hunger. Unfortunately there was little the pale elf could enjoy at such establishments, but Winnie did have one idea. 

Astarion looked over Winnie’s shoulder, his eyes widened in awe at the bright lights of the city. It was rather beautiful, making the night much more pleasant and allowing him to see so much more color than he usually would at this time.

Winnie eventually stopped, bringing the motorcycle to a halt as they arrived at a large pleasant smelling building. The air was filled with the scent of meat and other savory dishes. 

Winnie got off the bike before quickly adjusting the hood on Astarion's head, making sure his ears were not visible.  Winnie then took her vampiric companion inside before ordering a table for the two.  She sat across from him in a booth, looking down at her hands shyly. 

“I know it might be hard to believe with my charms and devastatingly good looks, but I've actually never been on a date before, not a real one anyway.” Astarion chuckled a bit.

“What about before you were turned? Surely you'd have been on a date then?” Winnie frowned.

“Perhaps, but I can't exactly remember much from before. It might as well not have happened.” He sighed, looking off as a waitress walked towards the table. She was rather beautiful, long blonde hair, blue eyes, a waspy waist and thick curves in all the right places. 

“What can I get you both?”  She asked. 

“Oh, something full bodied and red.”  Astarion said and looked back at Winnie. 

“Red wine and a pinjacolada please.” Winnie said as she glanced up at the waitress, eyes staring enviously at her nearly perfect bodice. 

“Ah and some fried chicken fingers, and um….Can you get maybe get us an extremely rare steak?” Winnie asked feeling a bit clumsy and embarrassed about how her last line was worded. 

“An extremely rare steak?” The waiter looked at Winnie like she had grown a second head. 

“I don't know if we're allowed to-”

“Be a dear, and fetch me something as bloody as possible won't you beautiful?” Astarion turned towards the waitress, his tone dripping with charm, his ruby red eyes almost hypnotic as he gave her a flirtatious wink.

The waitress’s face turned bright red. 

“Y-Yes! Yes of course!” She sputtered, a giddy grin spreading across her face. Winnie felt a twinge a jealousy shoot through her. She understood why he did that, but it didn't make it feel any better. The pudgy female took out her cellphone as Astarion began to ramble on about something. Something about how dull all of the people here seemed, and how abhorrent their attires were.

Winnie began looking on Tumblr, noticing a notification about TheRespectfulBard posting a new BG3 fanfiction. Though something else caught Winnie's eye as she skimmed through the Bard’s blog.  Apparently the bard was also looking for a mod that had been recently removed from the Nexus Mod page. However the modification they were looking for happened to be a mod that added a few new overpowered attacks to the game. Winnie quickly looked through the comments and reblogs to find someone saying the mod was made by a user named ShadowMommy69. 

Oh God…….It was made by a simp…..

“Winnie? Winnie? Are you even listening to me!?” Astarion spoke up, sounding a bit annoyed.

“Ah! Sorry…I got a bit distracted….” Winnie hearted TheRespectfulBard’s post before putting her phone in her pocket. 

“Honestly darling if you can't pay attention I might have to find a way to punish you.~” He teased, his hand reaching over to hold hers from across the table.

“Oh shut up.” Winnie rolled her eyes with a grin, her cheeks burning up. Astarion was just eating up all of Winnie’s overly flustered reactions. They were honestly all too cute. He looked at her with soft round eyes, wanting nothing more to plant kisses all over her pudgy little face. 

“I've got your order!” The waitress from before brought in their food and drinks. Her hips swayed as she strutted over and set them down on the table. Blue eyes roamed over Astarion’s face and body, though he didn't seem particularly interested. The smell of blood from the meat hit him like a truck, making his mouth water. Winnie immediately began to nibble on her chicken, but her eyes were glued on that woman. 

“I hope you both enjoy…. Especially you.~” The blonde said, seductively running a finger over Astarion's chest, making him stiffen.

“Um lady he doesn't like to be touch-” Winnie tried to object, though her mouse like voice was completely ignored.

“I'm getting off at ten just so you know.” She winked at him before wandering off. Winnie glared at her strutting form.

“Creepy bitch…” She muttered under her breath. That skank was so not getting a tip. Astarion cleared his throat before dusting off the front of his jacket, acting as if the waitress had got him dirty.  

“Well, now that that's over. I think I have something to attend to.” His looked down at the streak which was practically dripping with blood. 

Winnie bit her lip. She wouldn't lie. This was a bit gross. 

Winnie grabbed her drink, slowly sucking it down as she attempted to ignore the vampire in front of her, cutting up the steak and sucking the blood off. She couldn't imagine what was probably going through the head of any on lookers.

“Oh my God he is so fucking hot.” Winnie’s ears perked up at the waitress’s voice as she gossiped with her friends.

“Who's girl with him? Think they're together?” 

“Fuck no! Have you seen her? Probably his sister or something.” 

Winnie rolled her eyes and glanced back at her food. She didn't really feel very hungry anymore. She looked down at her stomach. The round, plumpness of it made her feel so disgusting. It wouldn't be long before Astarion realized he had more options. Better looking options.

“Are you alright my sweet?” Astarion's concerned voice brought her gaze back up. 

“I'm fine I guess…A bit tired if I'm honest…” She said tapping her fingernails to the table. 

“Well then, perhaps we should get you home so you can get your beauty rest hm? Not that you need it of course! You're already the most beautiful person here.” The elf said sweetly.  

“Yeah, let's go.” Winnie nodded, the two left their table and Winnie payed for the food at the register. She side eyes the waitress from before who was still gossiping with her friends. Winnie turned ready to head out the doors before she was suddenly snatched up by Astarion.

“I just want you to know once we get home. I am going to make you scream my name.” He said, his husky voice purposely raised loud enough for everyone to hear.  Winnie immediately buried her embarrassed face into his neck. Despite being ready to faint she also couldn't help but let out a series of giggles at his bluntness.

The waitress from before looked over with a shocked and frankly pissed expression. The vampire smirked slightly before tugging Winnie outside.

It was around eleven o'clock when they arrived back home. Winnie got off her bike with a yawn before looking over at Astarion who's hood had once again fallen off due to the motorcycle ride. 

Since they were home though, she saw no point in fixing it again.  

“I think that was an absolutely delightful first date, my love.” Astarion said as the two walked over towards the front door. “Don't you agree?” 

“Shit.” Winnie stopped in her tracks.

“Oh come on! It wasn't that bad! Actually I don't think it was bad at all!” Astarion crossed his arms with a scoff.

“No! Shit!” She pointed at the front door which was cracked open about two feet. 

“Oh, oh dear.” The vampire exclaimed before his companion rushed inside. He quickly followed after her as she zoomed into her bedroom. 

“Maddie!? Maddie!” She called looking under the bed and in her closet before checking the bathoom. Astarion went into the bedroom and inhaled, trying to pinpoint the scent of the sweet little kitten’s blood. Was it nearby? However, his red orbs suddenly shot open at the echo of barking coming from outside. 

“Maddie!” Winnie cried in fear. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Note from The ChaoticDruid: Been so hyped to get this chapter out! We have a lead on who caused Astarion to suddenly become sentient and it looks like a Shadowheart lover lol. A Shadowheart simp if you will! Also I know a lot of people would probably think Winnie's crazy for not wanting to jump right into a serious romance with Astarion, but I just feel like there are some things we'd love to fantasize about, but might not be too sure about in real life. Besides the girl is very romantically awkward. If anyone has any ideas on how to hide Astarion's ears better I'm open to suggestions, oh and PLEASE tell me what you think of the chapter! I love hearing all the comments about stuff, really makes my day.

Also fuck, Maddie's in danger! Somebody do something!

Taglist: @astarioffsimpmain , @iamsexytrash , @tiedyedghoulette , @hp-art-studio , @gaymistakeboi @the-disaster-in-waiting

[fictionobsession]

okay so knowing only like vague things about the Rogue Trader companions I had like fully planned on romancing the evil elf guy

but then I was like RPing my character who is like, ex-crime lord, follows the Imperium insofar as it benefits her, doesn’t give a flying fuck what nobility think but is heavily invested in the wellbeing of the average person

and the ghost of my Trader entered my brain and was like “she would totally flirt with the Inquisitor guy to make him uncomfy” and then my achieves were like “Romance Started” and I was like… huh… bro is really into that huh

but then we started chapter 2 and he left and I was like okay girliepop he’s gone time to gear up to romance the evil elf dude! and then! Heinrix comes back?? and the trader on my shoulder was like “you know what to do”

so of course I’m like “Aha! I knew you couldn’t resist my charm ;)” because I’m trying to make him uncomfortable and it does??? but like he’s also happy about it???? like some sort of freak??? a giant dork secretly pleased by my theatrics???????

someone help am is my character (me) about to actually fall for the stupid imperium douche

[hrefna-the-raven]

Christmas spirit

Masterlist - DBH masterlist

Words: 710

There was something about Gavin that always intrigued you. Maybe it was his moody brooding demeanour, or perhaps it was the enigma that shrouded his true thoughts. Whatever it was, you couldn't help but be drawn to the douche detective. And now, as the holiday season approached, you were determined to bring a little Christmas cheer into his life, even if it meant facing his middlefinger flipping side. Gavin hated each day with equal passion but you were almost sure that he despised this time of the year even more. He never revealed the reasons behind his disdain, but his scowls and harsher sarcastic comments around this time of the year spoke volumes. Still, you couldn't let his bitterness stop you from enjoying the Christmas market that had just opened downtown and you were determined that you needed Detective Douche by your side to do so. Besides you had your very own ways of making it up to him later on at home and you were determined to bring a smile on his face.

As night fell and the city lights twinkled, you convinced Gavin to accompany you after his shift. You promised it would be a quick visit, assuring him that you'd make it up to him later which earned you an annoyed huff but you also noticed the mischievous spark in his eyes. Reluctantly and with a lot of his usual drama, he finally agreed.

Stepping into the market, the air was filled with the scent of freshly baked pastries, the sound of laughter and Christmas music. The stalls were adorned with colourful lights and decorations, casting a warm glow on the surrounding snow. It truly was a sight to behold and the atmosphere was filled with a hint of magic in the air.

You weaved through the crowd, dragging an annoyed Gavin along with you. You stopped at each stall, pointing out the unique trinkets and tasty treats. Gavin couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the silly Christmas hats you insisted on trying on, praying to every god he could think of that you wouldn't want him to try them on as well. Despite his grumpiness, a small, almost hidden, smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. He would never admit it, but seeing your glowing smile while wearing a jingly elf hat warmed his heart. He truly loved you and while not being shy of showing it in the privacy of your own home, he still had an image to keep outside since he could never know if one of his colleagues was hiding around and would see a softer side. They all hated him at the precinct and mostly left him alone and he'd do everything to keep it that way.

As the night wore on, you finally decided to call it a day. The market was slowly closing down and the chill in the air became more pronounced. You held Gavin's hand tight, guiding him back to the car, humming jolly tunes while slightly dancing with every step. Once inside the warmth of the car, Gavin let out a sigh. To your surprise, his face softened and he turned to you with that typical smirk that always made your heart skip a beat.

"You know, I didn't think I'd enjoy this Christmas nonsense, but I have to admit, it was rather...nice", he confessed, his voice filled with a hint of wonder.

You smiled back at him, giving his shoulder a playful slap.

"Well, I'm glad I could bring a little Christmas spirit into your life, even if it was just for a tiny moment", you replied, your heart swelling with warmth, "but don't worry, I won't tell anyone that the great Detective Reed actually enjoyed some quality time on the Christmas market", you winked at him.

Gavin let out a soft chuckle, his fingers gently gripping your neck as he drew you near, pressing his rough lips against yours in an affectionate kiss. As he slowly released his hold, he leaned in closer, his voice filled with a deep longing, causing a delightful sensation to course through your entire being.

"I'm eager to see what you have in mind to make it up to me for bringing me along to this market."

[bugwolfsstuff]

here's the w.i.p for ToL chp 2 so far (I have rewritten it multiple times now)

Can i please get constructive criticism or something because my brain keeps screaming at me to scrap it all and rewrite it again.

-----

I woke up in a bed with an elf pointing runes at me menacingly, one of my spawn scowling at me, and a dwarf pointing a harpoon at my face.

So basically a typical Saturday for me.

I couldn't get much of a look at where I was because of the weapons in my face, but I seemed to be in a guest room. The walls were white, and the only other furnishings were another bed and a shabby wooden dresser.

Well, this room was devoid of any personality, so I must've been in the home of my (probably dead) good friend, Randolph.

"Good morning," I said casually, gently pushing the harpoon away from my face with the tip of my finger. "Or is it evening? And get that out of my face, please."

"I thought you were in the walnut!" Alex yelled accusingly, as if it was my fault I wasn't in a walnut. Why would I even be in a walnut?

I rolled my eyes. "Can't a mother just want to spend time with his favourite son or daughter? Ever thought of that?"

Alex was, in fact, not my favourite daughter or son, alive or dead, but Alex did not need to know that.

"Quality time? You tried to kill us!" Alex snapped. "And it's son today, mom."

He said Mom like someone would say a very bad swear. Which, considering Alex's extensive vocabulary, tells me a lot about how much he loves me.

"Oh, build a bridge, son! You're already dead!" I snapped back, saying son the same way he said mom. Which was probably not the right thing to do or say in that situation.

Alex lunged at me and none of the others made an attempt to stop him. Thankfully, he wasn't holding his garrotte wire (which I technically gave to him, by the way), or I would have had a very bad case of decapitation.

I dodged....and rolled off the bed.

Yeah, not my best idea.

My bones made another sickening crunch as my body connected with the floor, and I debated whether or not my survival was worth it.

I managed to sit up against the wall. "Wait wait wait!" I put my hands up in surrender, "Just hear me—ouch—out".

"Never!"

"Fine."

Everyone looked at Magnus in surprise, including me who didn't think that'd actually work.

"What?" The dwarf almost dropped his harpoon, "Kid, you can't be serious!"

"Please be serious," I said, "don't be a douche." He could just pretend to want to help before going HA SIKE! And running his sword through me. Even though I knew that would be very un-Magnus-like. He's a healer. He doesn't do stuff like that.

"We should hear him out—"

I grinned. "Thank you, Magnus Chase!" I side-eyed my son, who was scowling at me from the bed, "At least someone wants to listen to me!"

"Shut up," Magnus said, he looked at me for a moment, his stormy grey eyes looking me up and down. "Your ribs are broken," He said finally, "I'll heal you, only if you swear on your troth to not hurt anyone here."

My grin widened, this kid was an idiot, he doesn't know I don't care about stuff like troth. 

I put my hand to my chest, "I swear by my troth that I won't hurt anyone in this room—"

"On this property, Mother" Alex rudely interrupted, "Your tricks won't work here".

If he was doing this to anyone else I would have been almost proud of the fact that he caught on to that.

Magnus smiled at him and—Oh my gods well isn't that interesting. You see dear mortals. That wasn't a friendly smile that was a loving smile. It seems my little snakelet has got himself a boyfriend. Very interesting, I could use that against them both later.

I shoved that thought to the back of my mind.

"I swear by my troth that I won't cause harm to anyone on this property" I amended.

[animatorweirdo]

The lonely star on the island

You were spooked by something real and terrifying. However, your brother claimed it was simply paranoia making tricks on you. You were left uncertain till you found more dark secrets. 

Chapter 2

Warnings: fright, panic, your brother will be even a bigger douche, violence, blood, ghost stuff and threats of leaving you stranded. 

----------------------------------------------------

The moon shimmers in the sky. The waves hit the rocks and the shore while the birds of the sea rest in their nests. It was a peaceful night on the island. Allard and his company had started a fire and brought out some liquor to relax and laugh after a day of exploring the ruins of Himring, unaware of what you had discovered in its darkened halls. 

Your feet pound against the ground. Frantic breaths escape your burning lungs, and beads of sweat continue falling across your skin as you run toward the camp. Your heart was pumping between your ears, and you were nearly on the brink of passing out after running nonstop from the fortress to the outside. 

An overwhelming sense of terror filled your mind. When you finally reached your brother and the camp. You screamed. 

"Ghost!"

Allard and his friends snapped their gaze on you as you stopped, gasping for air and sweating like a madman. "Woah! (Name), what's wrong?" your brother questioned as you tried to calm yourself down. 

"A ghost! There was a ghost, an actual ghost – in there!" you breathed out while pointing at the fortress. 

"He was tall! He was missing a hand– and– his hair! It was red like the one I saw before!" you explained while frantically flailing your hands. Your brother looked at you awkwardly while his friends stared, confused by your panic. 

"And I saw his ears. He's an elf– an elven ghost!" you continued until Allard suddenly grabbed you by your shoulders. 

"(Name), look at me!" he said, making you stop and look at him. "Let's calm down first. Follow my lead, breathe in," you inhaled, following his movement. "And out," you exhaled, feeling your lungs relax. "In and out," Allard repeated, and you followed. You felt the adrenaline and the panic dissipate as you followed Allard’s instructions. 

"Good. Good. Now that you're calmer and not shrieking like a little child. Let's get back to the business at hand." Allard said, holding his hips. "A ghost, really?" he questioned, sounding like he didn't believe you. 

"You couldn't pick something more creative to get panicked about?" he added, making you frown. "I am not making this up! There was a ghost sitting there and watching me," you said. "Even if it wasn't a ghost. There is someone in there!" you pointed at the fortress again. 

"Alright. I hear you, but let's think logically. Why would anyone live in an isolated place like this?" Allard questioned. "There's no food, and we haven't found any boat or anything. How do you know it wasn't just fatigue that got you?" he asked. "I know what I saw," you snapped at him. "Sure, but you have been running around all day, writing your little book with no breaks. It's dark, and you were alone, and I heard Brawley over here did a really rude prank on you," he said, pretending to glare at Brawley, who was only rolling his eyes. 

"So maybe being alone and tired in the dark made you a bit paranoid, thanks to his prank. The mind can imagine things in the dark," he tried to reason. 

"So how about you take your dinner and go rest? There is a good chance your imagination was just pranking you," he said, pushing you toward your tent. "That can’t be. It felt too real!" you turned toward him. "Come on now, dear sister. You said it yourself that ghosts aren't real," he said. “And I admit I have been teasing you about ghosts since we were children, so this is on me. Take this and go to your tent. You might feel better after getting some food and some rest for that tiny body of yours,” Allard pushed a small box into your arms and then motioned you to go to your tent. 

You stood there motionless for a moment before reluctantly walking to your tent. Your mind filled with doubts and thoughts if your paranormal experience was truly just a figment of your mind. 

When you were out of sight, Allard clicked his tongue. "Ugh. Sisters, you can't take them anywhere,” he stated. “I mean, what’s next? Island trolls?” he grinned, making his friends laugh and ending the awkward silence. 

"I don't know. (Name) seemed genuinely scared by something," Manton said with a worried tone as he glanced at your tent. "Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're starting to believe in ghosts now," Allard groaned. 

“I’m just saying that maybe we should consider caution since it would take a lot to scare (Name) like that,” Manton stated. “Whatever, lover boy,” Allard rolled his eyes and continued drinking. 

You listened to Allard and his friend's conversations through the tent, hearing them mock and laugh at the jokes about you and your sudden outburst. You spitefully began eating while thinking about the elf you saw in that chamber. 

It happened quickly, but the memory was still fresh in your mind. You shuddered when you thought about the elf and how he looked at you. His eyes. They looked alive and yet were so devoid of life. You didn’t know what to make of it. 

You shook your head and continued eating. You will look into it tomorrow morning. The best thing you could do now was to eat and get enough rest, so Allard won’t have a valid excuse to slander you about the ghost and what you experienced. 

Night came and went quickly. The island was welcomed by nice sunny weather, and the seagulls were flying early above the waves, hunting for their morning food. You were looking through your books while eating bread with no fillings. Your eyes looked through each line of the text before flipping the page and continuing your search. 

Manton stopped as he was passing you. He watched as you looked through the pages before flipping them with intensity. "What are you looking for?" he asked. 

"I'm going through the books to see if I can find any description of the elf I saw," you answered, flipping the page. 

"Ah, still not giving up on the elf ghost?" Manton asked with a smile. Your eyes landed on something. You stared at it before grabbing the bread out of your mouth and flipping the book toward Manton. You rested the book against your knee while pointing at a specific name on the page. 

"Maedhros The Tall, the eldest son of Feanor. He was described as being one of the tallest elves known during the first age. He had crimson hair and lost his right hand during his time as a thrall in Angband," you explained as Manton glanced at the name. "It matches, and he was the lord of Himring. He ruled this place and watched over the north until he had to move for certain reasons before Beleriand sank beneath the ocean," you explained. 

"Sounds about right, but how tall are we talking about?" Manton questioned. "It's not every day someone would get nicknamed for their height," he added. 

"He was sitting, so I couldn't tell, but if I calculate the height if he was standing up, " you stood up and climbed up on one of the boxes. "He would be somewhere like–" You laid your hand on Manton's shoulder and raised it to the height over his head. "Here," you said.

"Wow! That is really tall," Manton said. "He definitely never had any short people problems," he chuckled as you jumped off the box. 

"But one thing I can't figure out because I read that he died elsewhere," you said, flipping the page of your book. "What did he die from?" Manton asked curiously. "According to the old records, he threw himself into the flames of the earth after reclaiming his family's heirloom, the silmarils. Apparently, they burned his hand because of his and his family’s crimes. He was with his last remaining brother, who was said to vanish into the sea after fulfilling the oath, never to be seen again," you explained. 

"I heard elves go to the halls of Mandos after they die and separate from their bodies, so why would Maedhros be here?” you questioned. “Did he purposely ignore the call of Mandos?” you spoke, thinking about the possibility. 

"Maybe he felt guilty," Manton said. “You said that he and his family did bad things, and this used to be his home, so maybe he wanted to stay here because he felt guilty. Maybe he wanted to be left alone,” he suggested. "That would make sense until we came and found the hidden entrance, disturbing his peace," you said. 

"Mm... sounds like a good reason to hurry up, find the thing, and leave, so we don't upset our ghostly landlord," Manton grinned, trying to lighten the mood. You stood silent for a moment. 

"I have to look into this. It felt too real just to be a figment of my imagination," you said, shutting the book. 

"Are you sure? You looked like your soul was about to leave your body last night?" Manton asked. "Well, I have to see if the ghost I saw was real or not. I prefer not to get called paranoid for no reason,” you replied as you grabbed your bag. 

"Makes sense," Manton said. 

"So, do you wanna come along or stay here whatever you do with my brother?" you said as you walked toward the fortress. "Well, this is more interesting, so wait up!" Manton called out and ran after you. 

You looked into the hallway after climbing up the familiar stairs. The hallway was empty but more visible thanks to the light from the windows and the balcony. Nothing seemed out of place, so you walked through the hallway while Manton followed you. 

You approach a familiar door. You already felt your heart race since you didn’t leave it close when you ran out of the chambers, and here it was – closed again. You grabbed the handle and tested if it was locked like last time. It wasn’t. 

You took a deep breath and then pushed the door open. You looked around the chamber.  Thanks to the light from the windows, you could see everything in a better light. It felt less ominous as well. 

You find your lamp lying on the floor, broken and glass scattered everywhere. There was a charred spot, most likely from the flame when you dropped it. 

You checked the chair and found it empty. 

"When I turned around, he was sitting there, looking right back at me," you pointed at the chair. 

"Spooky," Manton said. 

"Do you feel watched now?" he asked. You waited for a moment. "No," you said. "Maybe he left," Manton said. “I don't know… look around for anything strange,” you said and started looking for anything out of place. Manton helped, looking from drawers, shelves, and even from pots. 

You spend some time trying to look for something. You stood up, feeling frustrated as Manton came back to you. “I’m sorry, but I can’t find anything ghost-related,” he said as you stared at your broken lamp. 

You sighed and crouched down, picking up the pieces. You held your broken lamp in your hands as you stood up, careful not to cut yourself from the glass pieces.  

"I don't get it," you stated. 

"A lot of strange things happened yesterday, like doors opening themselves, things falling down. I hear strange footsteps and see things. But now, nothing is happening," you explained as you stared at the empty chamber around you. 

"Am I seriously losing my mind?" you questioned. 

"I don't think you're losing your mind," Manton said. "People have been saying strange things about this place like tales, history, and even ghost stories," he said. "Maybe you're not totally wrong. Maybe the former lord is still here but isn't feeling somewhat active for the day," he said.

You were silent. 

"You know what? I might have something that might cheer you up. Follow me," Manton smiled and walked out of the chamber. You held on to your lamp pieces and followed him out of curiosity. 

You follow Manton to the underground levels of the fortress after disposing of your broken lamp. The corridors were narrow, and a few torches had been lit to give light. The flickering flames cast eerie shadows on the walls, making the atmosphere all the more eerie. You hear some of your brother’s friends walk in the distance before Manton comes to a stop before a pair of doors. He opens them and allows you to walk first into the room. 

You notice big barrels stacked up in the corners and shelves, and some bottles were lightly dusted and sealed with a cork. The glass was dark in color, but you could see the liquid inside and immediately understood what the room was. 

Manton smacked one of the barrels with a smile. 

"Ancient elven wine, before you start talking about artifacts and stuff. Hear me out," Manton started. "I heard from many that wine made by elves can last even more than a thousand years and taste unlike any other, so there would be many who would love to get their hands on one of these," Manton explained. "Wine that's even more than hundreds of years old. They're rare to come by, so someone could pay a hefty price, probably enough to help your old man," he added. 

"So if you can't find anything else, maybe you can bring one of these back," He suggested. "It's not gold, so I don't think our good lord Maedhros would get upset about it unless he likes his wine–then we might have a problem, but that's for another time," he said, making you chuckle. 

"Isn't it bad luck to say the name of the dead?" you asked. "Whoops!" he said, making you smile. 

"I don't know. It won't get me a scholarship, but I could use the money to help my father," you said. 

"I take it as a last resort if I can't find anything else," you said. "Thank you, Manton," You smiled. "Hey, you can always count on me if you need anything," Manton smiled back. 

Someone then came to the door. “Manton. You need to come to the dungeons. The boys had been getting stuck again,” They said. Manton hissed. “Duty calls. Honestly, I prefer trying to find our mysterious elven ghost than making sure our boys don’t get trapped in the old dungeon cells or trying to find something that might not even be here,” Manton passed you and approached the doorway.

“What are you and Allard trying to find anyway?” you asked. “I’ll let you know when we finally find it. In the meantime, good luck with your research, and be careful since our ghostly elven host seemed to have taken a liking to you,” Manton winked with a grin, making you roll your eyes as he left. 

You decided to leave the old wine cellar and return to the surface level of the fortress. You strolled around for a moment, watching your brother and his friends as they were doing their things until you found a room you had not seen before. 

Curious, you walked into the room, finding some of the furniture covered in white fabric that had turned slightly gray over the passing of time. You looked around and found interest in paintings stacked against a corner of a wall. You grabbed one and cleared out the dust to reveal what was beneath. 

You were faced with a picture of two trees, and from the color scheme – you recognized them as the two trees of Valinor, the world’s light source before the sun and moon. You stared at the painting, finding it almost unbelievable how such beautiful trees once existed before even humans came around. 

You carefully laid it down and took a look at the other paintings. There were portraits of different elves. They shared a strong resemblance to each other, so you figured they must be related until your eyes landed on a familiar face. Maedhros, in all of his living glory. He looked so much alive without the scars, and looking at him made you find a resemblance between him and the red-haired elven woman you saw in another portrait, most likely his mother. 

You have read little about him and his family, but you knew they were one of the key figures of the events that once occurred in the first age. They were known for many things, especially as kinslayers. They killed their own for the sake of an oath they swore in their father’s name. 

You found something silly about the whole thing because Feanor, Maedhros’s father, didn’t apparently last long as the high king and was killed by Balrogs when he arrived in Middle Earth. 

After looking through the painting, you notice stacked papers on a desk. There were a lot of them stacked and even fallen on the floor. When you grabbed one of them and dusted them off to read the text, you felt excited because they were old battle plans and reports of a battle you recognized as the Battle of the Unnumbered Tears. 

You knew it as an event when The union of Maedhros tried to preach Angband. It ended in extreme failure since some of the human houses sided with Morgoth and betrayed the elves during the battle, resulting in the death of many and the Noldor’s high king Fingon, the eldest son of Fingolfin. He was also Maedhros’s half-cousin. 

You read something about it in your home city’s local library, but since some details were lost in time, not all were clear about the battle. Now that you had clear reports and documents, you could finally investigate it thoroughly. Now this was something worth bringing back. 

You took out your journal and began to write down details. Thanks to your fluency in elvish, you didn’t have a problem understanding the text and reading firsthand what happened during that ancient battle. However, there was something saddening about them when you continued reading them. There were so many losses. Your mind could have been doing tricks, but some documents had spots that looked like tear stains.  

You almost jumped when the door suddenly moved by itself. You looked through the door and found no one. You would have guessed it was the wind, but then you remembered what happened yesterday and felt frustrated. 

“Maedhros! If you, please! I’m not in the mood to get frightened today!” You called out with an annoyed tone. Your ears then caught talking in the distance. It was clear and getting closer. You listened for a moment and recognized the voices to be Allard and Brawley. You would have focused on your current task and left the two be, but when you heard what they were talking about— you couldn’t help but listen more. 

You closed your journal and put the old documents away as you slowly approached the door and listened to what your brother and his ill-gotten friend were talking about. You put yourself against the door and carefully listened. 

“Allard, we looked everywhere. We haven’t found a single dime in this abandoned rock,” Brawley said, frustrated. “At this rate, we’re gonna go home empty-handed,” he added. “Not to mention weird things have been happening all day, doors close by themselves, things fly around hitting people, and some of our boys said they keep seeing a shadow lingering in every corner,” your eyes widened when you heard the last part. It was what happened to you yesterday. Maedhros was real. It wasn’t a figment of your imagination. 

“They’re starting to believe there is an actual ghost running around thanks to your sister’s stunt last night,” Brawley said. “I’m certain it’s just frustration kicking in. Ghosts aren’t real, so we can’t blame this on the nonexistent,” Allard interfered. “Well, whatever it is. We better find this treasure, or the boys will not be happy,” Brawley said. You frowned and thought for a moment. “We just need to look harder. It’s already difficult keeping the act with (Name) snooping around,” Allard said. 

You thought about what he said for a moment. Everything what he and his friends have been saying for the past few days came back to you, and when you carefully examined the meaning behind his words. You came to a realization. You burst through the door in anger. 

“So, you really came here to rob this place?!” you almost yelled at him. Allard jumped from your sudden intrusion. “(Name) — how much did you hear?” he questioned. 

“Enough to learn my brother is a greedy scoundrel who’s only after gold and treasures that might not even be here,” you crossed your arms. “You do know what our laws say about robbing historical sites?” you asked. 

“Alright. I admit. I might not have made this expedition to find any historical artifacts or for studying purposes,” Allard raised his hands in surrender. “I heard there was a treasure, riches left by the elves when they abandoned this place, but trust me, it’s all out of good intentions,” he explained. “What good intention?” you asked. “Like helping our father–” he said. 

“Imagine, with this gold, we could finally pay him a proper healer and maybe get someone to make him a new leg since he’s physically handicapped,” 

“Bullshit! Our father would never accept stolen money, and I heard your boys will not be happy if you don’t find the treasure. You only want to find this treasure for yourself!” you tapped him harshly on the chest with your finger. 

“(Name), calm down. There’s no reason to get this upset,” Allard backed away. “I have every reason to get upset with you! Do you have any idea how this will affect our family if people find out you are a thieving grave robber?!” you yelled in anger. “We won’t be affected if you don’t tell anyone about this,” he said. “I can’t do such a thing! We both would be breaking the law then! Either stop looking for this treasure, or I will tell everyone what this expedition was about.” you stated. 

“Alright, that’s enough, woman!” Brawley suddenly grabbed you. “Let go of me!” you struggled, but then he grabbed you by your hair and forced you to stay still. 

Allard sighed. “I wish we could have done this the easy way,” he said, then looked at you. “(Name), you will not tell anyone about this unless you want to be left alone on this island with your little ghost friend,” he said, making your eyes widen with fright. “You can’t do such a thing!” you struggled. “I think I can, and unless you’re willing to cooperate, you’re going in time out,” he said as more of his friends arrived. “Take her to a room, cell. I don’t care. Take her somewhere and make sure she won’t get out,” he said, then Brawley and the others began taking you away. 

You compiled for a moment, walking forward as Brawley pushed you and pulled your hair, making your scalp sting with pain. When you noticed a room with an open door approaching, you tried to struggle yourself free. 

“Stop moving!” Brawley ordered as he lost his hold of your hair, and you managed to slap him across his face. “Agh! You wench!” he grabbed you by the hair and smashed your face against the doorframe before pushing you in. 

You heard a crunch when your nose made contact with the hardwood before falling down the short stairs beneath the door and hitting your head against the floor. 

You yelped and groaned while holding your head in pain. Blood dribbled from your nose and your head was spinning around the room, making you feel dizzy and like passing out. 

“Brawley, was that necessary? I don’t think Allard will be happy if she’s directly harmed,” One of his friends asked as you withered in pain. “What’s a couple of bruises gonna do?” Brawley asked. “On the contrary, maybe we should teach her a lesson she won’t forget,” he said with a smirk. 

The door to the room began to shake, confusing Brawley and his friends before it suddenly slammed shut in Brawley’s face. There was a loud noise when his nose made contact with the door. He yelled, stepping back and holding his bleeding nose.  

“What the hell?” he yelled and groaned painfully. One of his friends grabbed the handle and tried to open the door. “It’s locked,” They said. “How can it be? It’s supposed to get locked from this side?!” Brawley demanded as he held his now festering red nose. 

“Alright, what is the commotion? My sister can’t be that troublesome!” Allard arrived at the scene. Brawley and his friends froze. They stared with widened eyes as Allard stood there clueless. 

“What? What are you looking at?” Allard demanded. “Boss–” One of them started with a frightened tone. “---behind you,” he pointed out as they continued staring at a tall shadowy figure standing behind your brother. 

Allard paled and quickly turned around. The shadowy figure vanished after he turned his head, so he found nothing standing behind him. Allard released a nervous chuckle and turned back toward Brawley and the rest of his friends. “Stop messing around,” he said, shaking his head. 

Things suddenly began shaking around them. Old pots and furniture vibrated against the ground, and even dust began to fall from the old rocky ceiling. The men stood cautiously until the shaking stopped.

It was dead quiet. 

They waited for the ground to shake again, but nothing happened in few minutes. Allard allowed himself to relax and release an exasperated sigh. 

“Well, that was strange,” 

Out of nowhere, a ferocious wind started blowing around them like a wild tornado, picking up light-weighted objects off the ground and throwing them at the men. “What is going on?!” Allard yelled until a chair suddenly flew at him. He yelped and barely dodged it. The chair broke into pieces when it missed and hit the wall instead. 

The room shakes, and the wind blows objects around, making the men yell and desperately try to avoid getting hit and struck by sharp old pottery or blunt objects, which was a task impossible. The moment they think they dodged an injury, they always get hit from behind. The wind was also relentless and did not give them a chance to escape. The wild hurricane had trapped them inside.

Brawley backed away in bewilderment as he witnessed what was happening around him. He managed to get out and considered leaving, only to feel a hand laid on his shoulder. 

You began to hear screaming behind the door. You tried to remain conscious, but the aching pain in your head became too much to handle, so you laid down on your side. You took in deep breaths before you eventually blacked out on the floor.

[thessalian]

Thess vs TLOVM S3, Ep 1

I've been so exhausted and fed up this week that I forgot TLOVM was starting today! How remiss of me! So here we go with liveblogging! One episode at least. I may draw this out some.

Oooh. This is new. I mean, I did see the first three minutes or so on YouTube, so it's not a huge surprise, but that level of spycraft is ... at once too well-planned for the "At Dawn, We Plan" Brigade and also just fucking reckless enough for that bunch of yahoos.

Also, pouring one out for Lance Reddick. I knew this was gonna hit different, but ... damn. Is it okay if I say that he's replaced Matt Mercer as my Official Voice of Thordak? 'Cos he totally has, and it's the best memorial I can give him - two of my top villains or at least antagonists (Sylens is still my number one douche-canoe).

Damn. Liam O'Brien vs ... Liam O'Brien. Also, every time I think "Damn, he has range", I kick myself for forgetting his Speak-N-Spell Liam ... thing during that one-shot he did that one time. I mean. Holy shit.

DAAAAAH! I mean, I knew it was coming because I've already seen this bit but DAAAAAAAAAAH!

...Is the mood a bit wrecked when I see Thordak cram his head into a crevice and all I can think is "Themberchaud"?

Now, see, I did not see how he got out of that. Now we are getting into the "What the fuck did you people cook up?!?" territory.

One Day Earlier?!? ASSHOLES! HOW DO YOU HAVE A CLIFFHANGER AT THE START OF AN EPISODE?!?

Fuckmuppets.

...Okay, I knew Raishan sounded familiar. Now, keep in mind that Atlantis: The Last Empire was the last movie I saw before I landed in a psychiatric hospital because of an ongoing nervous breakdown finally hitting crisis point, and never watched it again, so it says a lot about me that I can find the voice of Princess Kida familiar.

...VIOLENT ELF FEMALE VOICE FOR DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS?!? BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, get OFF IMDB, Thess.

Yeah, I knew we were getting the Plate of the Dawnmartyr. We'd have to, given the trailers about the hells.

...Wait. Putting some of the snippets together ... and given that they have to streamline stuff for a series like this ... are they going to combine that trip to the hells for the Plate of the Dawnmartyr with throwing Yenk at Vorugal?!?

(No, I literally don't know; I'm kind of calling it here, though.)

Also ... would you call that spell a series of Silent Images? If so ... cool.

OMG GILMORE.

Grand Poobah de MAYONNAISE?!?

Ah, I missed this side of Pike in the first couple of seasons.

...Not sure if that was the dumbest possible thing Grog could have possibly said, or the only thing that could have broken the tension. ...Porque no los dos?

N'awwwwwww. I mean, I know it's a shame that some of this stuff has to be ... rushed, a little? But they're doing it pretty damn well!

[snipped because character limit]

Okay, get OFF the rage at the narrow-minded bullshittery of reviewers, Thess.

...Oh. Ooooooooh. So instead of having Keyleth cast Foresight on him before that whole thing with Thar Amphala, it's now ... something he gets from the Raven Queen? That makes sense.

Also ... I'm taking it that no one's going to flag up that if Keyleth goes Archdruid, of fucking course she's going to outlive the entire rest of the party! Chill, Vax!

You guys are DORKS.

"Well, one can certainly--" WHO WROTE THIS?!?

.........Sam Riegel was one of them. Because of fucking course he was. You are not a gnome, Sam, nor are you specifically a goblin. What you are is a troll.

.........Aaaaaaand Travis Willingham is the other. I wonder if he wrote any of the Vex/Percy stuff, given he was always the captain of the good ship Perc'halia.

...Trinket, really?!?

Okay, that was Matt, doing a little Sun-Tree whisper. Not "Sun Tree; A-okay!", but I'll take it.

...I feel a Leverage "explaining how Vax got out of that mess" moment coming on. Also ... it's nice to see Gilmore do the charm without quite the innuendo.

On the list of "Things To Never Say Before A Mission", Grog? "What could possibly go wrong?" is right at the top, so shut up.

...Okay, not quite what I was thinking, but ... oh gods, Gilmore, you adorable glorious narcissist! (Okay, part-time narcissist.)

Yeaaaaaah, see, I would have asked Gilmore for a Scroll of Dimension Door, personally. Or maybe Clairvoyance? Anyway, this is more exciting.

Yeah. No. So glad Lance Reddick got this done before he passed. I have chills. May you live as long as your name is spoken, sir.

...I ... literally can't praise Reddick enough. Holy shit.

Ooooooooooh. Marquet is so pretty!

...Given that "high noon" is not usually that much of a D&D phrase, and thinking of who Matt Mercer voice-acts with a ... certain phrase? I'mma say that's Sam being a troll again.

Oh, that's a great way to get Ripley back into it. ...Wait, does this mean she already has Cabal's Ruin? .........Wait, does this mean she kept Cabal's Ruin from Umbrasyl?!?

So ... gunshots. And ... Percy's the only one in evidence with a weapon of that type. And ... they just ran in. Hey, Percy, remember when you used Bad News' scope as a telescope? And when Pike followed Vax with Clairvoyance? WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT?!?

No no no Percy DON'T HAVE THE GUN OUT WHEN--

She does have Cabal's Ruin.

Also ... oh FUCK.

...So it's not Percy's turn to have the brain cell today. Okay.

And, I mean, it's almost never Grog's turn to have the brain cell. He is very generous with the brain cell.

STOP DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU HAVE THE KIND OF WEAPON THAT KILLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE, PERCY! I DON'T REMEMBER INT BEING YOUR DUMP STAT!!!!!

...Okay, so INT is Percy's dump stat just for today, then.

...Wait. Who does have Vox Machina's collective brain cell today? Please tell me it's not Scanlan.

Percy would you--?!? Ooooooh fuck.

Oh. Okay. Cabal's Ruin in action is the coolest fucking thing...

Also I don't remember their trip to Marquet being this--

Hi, Matt!

"Does ... she ... spice?" "...Dude." Good one, Scanlan.

I do love the banter between these two--

Ooooh. As a televisual reveal of Orthax and Ripley's whole deal, that is next level awesome.

Oh. Oh. Oh so are we ... not having the fight on the tit-crevasses? We're doing this right here?

"In Memoriam - Lance Reddick" ...Yep.

But at the same time ... I DO NOT HAVE ROOM FOR SAD; FIRST YOU GAVE ME YIKES AND THEN GAVE ME A CLIFFHANGER SO GO FUCK YOURSELF.

(Not you, Mr Reddick; rest in power, and on your laurels because you were badass.)

Okay, so who the fuck is voicing Anna Ripley?

Kelly who? (Kelly Hu, that's who, but-- Sorry; I'll see myself out.)

Lady Deathstrike?!? VISAS MARR?!? Okay that's awesome.

I'm sorry, but Scanlan jazzy flight singing is not what I need right now. Though I guess it kind of drives home the "We are cliffhanging you right here; cope".

Right. I could watch another episode, but ... no. No, I have to work tomorrow and that means I need to wind down, and--

Wait. Did they say Draconia?!? Did Orion Acaba let them use that?!? Oh, I don't even want to think about that level of negotiation, after everything.

[asexxxualerotica]

NOT ONLY DID ANON ASSUME GENDER, BUT ANON ASSUMED RACE AS WELL!?

Wow... what a douche.

I can only assume it’s because Jaerik is my pfp and banner right now. I can only assume they also think I have long elf ears, an enormous e-cup rack, and a propensity for getting caught by orcs when my teammates decide to use me as a distraction on infiltration missions lol

[siriannatan]

FlowerHusbands thingy

This one was a suggestion over in my AO3 comments.

Hope you like it:}

AO3

There was something off with Scott. It was obvious as soon as Jimmy landed in Rivendell. The Scott he knew would instantly come to scold him, be it for being later or dressed to light for the mountain chill. Certainly not run away after blushing like Jimmy never saw him blush and he saw Scott's first reaction to seeing fWhip not covered in soot and dust and five coats. Seeing the elf turn around and run without even trying to keep his usual poise and dignity might have been funny if Jimmy wasn't worried. He could not help but wonder if maybe he did something to offend him.

He still ran after him. If to try and apologise for whatever he did.

First he had to catch the elf which wasn't easy. Mostly because even if Scott wasn't that short, Jimmy was much taller than any elf and had a bit of trouble with some of the tight passages and doorways but he managed to corner Scott after nearly an hour of chasing him. Where did Scott get so much stamina? He usually needed to sit down after just half an hour of walking.

"Scott? Whatever I did I'm..." Jimmy started but stopped when Scott hugged him out of nowhere. "You okay petal?" the merling prince asked, gently petting the elf's wings.

"I'm a bit confused..." Scott said and Jimmy maybe kind of got it. Maybe.

"Oh... You're not the Scott who's usually here, right? Some weird magic?" he asked but did not push him away. No matter who was in there they still had Scott's face and besides, they were clearly distressed.

"I suppose so..." 'Scott' sighed and sat down on a small bench in the room Jimmy finally caught him in. There wasn't much other than a table and two benches in there. What was it even for? He might ask Scott when he's back.

"Umm, who do I have the pleasure of talking to?" Jimmy asked and gently as to not break anything took the other bench almost entirely. "Wait, I should introduce myself first. Sorry, I'm Jimmy, the Cod Father of the Cod Empire. We're currently in the elven empire of Rivendell, and you're currently ummm, possessing the body of its second prince and my fiance, Scott S. Major," he explained as well as he could.

The guest hummed, taking a moment to think about his situation. "Well," he finally spoke up. "It's funny since I'm also Scott, Scott the necromantic witch... I'm kind of trying to bring y... a very important person back," he introduced himself with a cute smile. Jimmy never saw this kind of smile on his Scott. "And me not being quite myself would explain why instead of zombies I made snow piles. It's kind of annoying since I know this annoying ice witch, he's a total douche who can't tell a malicious curse from a prank," he sighed, face resting on one hand, and sighing again. "I just hope this will pass soon, I have things to do and I'm sure your fiance wants you back too."

Jimmy hummed and wondered if there was anything he could do to help. He knew little outside summoning thunder and waves. And it was probably bad to involve anyone else. Just in case. 

"Scott!?" 

Xornoth yelling out had Jimmy almost hitting his head on a rather low for elves ceiling of the room. "Xor... My Scott's older brother," he explained in a hushed whisper. "Stay here, I'll get him to leave," he said and slowly left the room.

"Oh, Jimmy, hi. Um, have you seen my brother?" the older prince asked. Visibly unhappy Jimmy was in the castle. Or anywhere near his brother, the overprotective prick.

"No, but I'm getting a surprise ready for him so..." Jimmy started but a heavy sigh stopped him.

"Okay, okay, that's enough, I'll go and check the gardens," the older prince said and left. 

Jimmy sighed in relief and came back into the room. 

"Well hello," Scott greeted with a more than familiar grin. "Care to explain what we're doing here? Or how we got here?" he asked.

Jimmy's Scott was back and had no idea he was somewhere else. "Well..." Jimmy sighed and explained the whole situation. 

At the maybe same time, in a different land, a necromancer woke up in his bed. Very confused by his dream of a handsome fish prince.

[thisbelongsto-nohbodys]

My Reaction to the final season of “Summer Camp Island” in 3 gifs and 1 image

So glad that this show was able to end properly after it was removed by that dirty douche nozzle Zaslav, If we didn’t get an ending and was left on the unanswered resolution setup in S5 then you’d have to get the Swear Patrol elf on me from yelling at Zaslav:

[scjacka]

Last episode. Let's all make our Christmas wish this year that it doesn’t come back

I don't even really remember how the stupid thing started (I may have been drinking to get through it XD). This is going to be disjointed because I rage paused a lot and I WILL NOT be rewatching any of this to get it correct. This show doesn't care about my time so I'm not wasting any more of it by rewatching, lol.

Kris is completely useless. Like there was zero point to him being in this season at all. I was also of the mindset that he was going to be a bigger role and maybe take over for Scott but he was completely pointless. I JUST REMEMBERED HE WAS THE KID THAT SAW SKINNY SCOTT WITH THE CANOE AND THAT WAS HIS SANTA ORIGIN STORY OR WHATEVER AND I STARTED YELLING AT THE REVISIONIST HISTORY AND MY HUSBAND WAS LIKE, ARE YOU OK?! AND I WAS LIKE DO I LOOK OK?!!?!

I may be wrong, but is this the first time we've actually seen the factory floor in this whole damn show? Like we're always in Scott's office, the stables, the real world, or the monitoring room. Have they even made any toys in these TWO SEASONS?! Maybe they have and

I liked the Betty/Olga fight (but like why a fake sword?) but the way it was cut back and forth with the Mad Santa/Scott discussion was annoying

The gnomes are just pissed cause they can't make toys... that's like all it took? Feel like we shoulda figured that out sooner. Same goes for Noel just being like, hey gnomes, just come help us.

The mug is the "amulet". Ok, sure. I didn't pause the show in anger about it. Like, not only did we rewrite and destroy the magic-powered watch from 2 earlier this season now we re-wrote the mug. None of this is helped by them bringing up the damn thing 2 episodes before the end like we knew anything about it and it wasn't just shoved in at the last minute. Does each Santa have a different "amulet" (for god sake just call it a talisman or something not associated with a necklace) or do they all get their power from the same ones? Did Judy technically drug him into being Santa then. Like got him drunk on Christmas power? If it's tied just to Mad Santa then why on earth would Judy still have it if there was a coup and all that shit to get rid of the man? Wouldn't it also be locked away somewhere?

Didn't Scott say he made Cal's vest out of the coat? Maybe I misinterpreted that in the early episodes but now he's just wearing it like no big.

Laughing really hard at Scott not realizing he's been a douche until the "villain" says he is with regards to Cal. MS should just be Santa and Scott can go live at the fake Santa village with Fluffy.

Laughing really hard at suddenly remembering Charlie exists and pretending like you get some kind of Christmas powers from him.

Sandra is all-powerful. Good for her I guess.

I still love Befana. Like she's the only character I consistently enjoy watching

Elizabeth Mitchel is too good for this show and is acting much harder than she should with this garbage.

"We fixed EB he's good now but we didn't have the budget to bring back Tracy Morgan or he didn't want to be in the makeup again or something so we're just not gonna show him, but take our word he's fine!"

Why are they singing again and especially that song? Something about a child elf and the lyrics "I touch you once, I touch you twice" is unsettling to me.

Cal's gonna go to college... wouldn't he have to like, go to real school first and have transcripts and whatnot (I'm sure they'd magic it away or whatever). Also, he's not that bright so like, how's he gonna fair in higher education?

Everyone that goes on Kribble Krabble doesn't come back. I swear to god that's the plot of one of the few Hallmark xmas movies I've ever watched. But I guess that means Curtis isn't exploded. With the logic that they all Kribble and don't come back, I'm convinced that was actually Judy working in the bad xmas village which is just a sad development for her and really a downgrade from being at the Pole

So we basically end this season right where we started at the beginning of season 1. Like, Cal's not gonna be Santa and Scott's just gonna be Santa forever and never retire. Mad Santa is there now too I guess (also, there are werewolves in TSC canon... ok, sure). He's with Fluffy in the fake Santaville I guess, but whatevs

I forgot until I realized I took a picture of it, the line from Carol about leaving her job and her life behind and not complaining about it. Like on the one hand yes, please go off queen cause you deserve so much better. But also, you've kinda been complaining about it since the 3rd movie.

Oh right, Tim Allen got to mention Jesus one last time just to make sure it got in there. I literally had to turn on the closed caption cause I was like, did he just say "The King" and sure enough he did, capital K and everything. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS ALLEN!! Like pick silly fantasy Santa show or pick something religious. IDK it irks me so much

I feel like I had more to ramble about but I'm tired just from having to remember all of this from last night, lol. Just needed to get this junk outta my head. Honestly, very glad Jack wasn't in here to be slandered by this show. Same for the Millers. Same for Bernard again (besides in name and that dumb picture that still makes me mad) and Charlie again.

[whumpster-fire]

Mr. Grinch (Uncensored Version)

Yet another early draft of the Grinch Song that was rejected due to complaints from the censors. Put on your favorite Karaoke version of this Christmas Classic and sing along!

You're an asshole, Mr. Grinch

You really are a prick

You're a bitchass motherfucker

And you have a tiny dick, Mr. Gri-inch

Oscar the Grouch hates you for

Stealing his shtiiiiiiiick

You're a wanker, Mr. Grinch

You're a condom full of holes

You rarely take a shower

And your nutsack's full of mold, Mr. Gri-inch

I wanna beat you to death with a

39 and a half foot pooooole

Suck a fat one, Mr. Grinch

Won't you please, go fuck yourself

You're a hazard to everybody else

Around you's mental health, Mr. Gri-inch

The only guy I hate more than you is the

Elf On The Sheeeeeelf

You're an incel, Mr. Grinch

And allow me to be blunt

You're a worthless ugly sack of shit

That no one even wants, Mr. Gri-inch

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and pardon my French:

Jerk. Douche. CUNT!

You're a fuckface, Mr. Grinch

You're the king of stupid twats

You're a rusty razor dildo

Dipped in habanero sauce, Mr. Gri-inch

Your existence is a stain on all Who-manity. Your soul is a cancerous tumor riddled with weeping, maggoty pustules and necrotic scabs. I hope you sodomize yourself with a cactus and bleed to death, you brainless, heartless, mutated ass-kissing dickless pink-eyed unwashed basement-dwelling fucking dipshit, blue waffle eating unibrow-having clown-ass shitlord! You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. Come at me you oversized hairy green scrotum, I will fucking end you! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

...

*ahem*

SEASICK CROCODIIIIIIIIILE!

You disgust me, Mr. Grinch

Like a cum-stained, crusty sock

You're a limpdicked inbred jackoff

With a wonky crooked cock, Mr. Gri-inch

Given the choice between eternal damnation and five minutes in your company I'd

Gladly burn in Helllllllllllll

[dagenvanonrust]

Einzelgängers deel 2: Een ander soort liefde: Hoofdstuk 12

Na de twist in de film, nadat de credits over het scherm rollen, kijk ik naar Luna, haar gezicht is weggedraaid van de tv. Ze ademt diep en langzaam in en uit. ‘Luna?’ vraag ik voorzichtig. Wanneer er geen reactie komt, streel ik zachtjes haar hoofd. ‘De film is afgelopen,’ zeg ik vlak tegen haar oor.

‘O Ben, het spijt me, ik was zó ontzettend moe,’ en ze rekt zich uit, inclusief een luide geeuw. ‘Hoe laat is het?’ 

Ik kijk op mijn telefoon. ‘Half elf, ongeveer,’ zeg ik.

‘Hmm,’ zegt ze, geeuwt nogmaals, strekt haar armen uit. ‘Goed als ik even naar de badkamer ga?’

‘Ja hoor, doe maar.’

‘Ben zo terug!’

Blindelings loopt Luna naar de badkamer, alsof ze hier al jaren woont. Ik ga naar de keuken om de restanten van onze geïmproviseerde maaltijd op te ruimen. Wanneer ik de doos beschuitjes in de kast opberg, licht Luna’s telefoon op. Ik twijfel even of ik zou kijken, maar doe het toch, en ik lees: “Nogmaals sorry dat dit weekend niet lukte, Lunalief. Hopelijk past het volgende weekend nog? Xxx” Het bericht is afkomstig van een zekere Lars en mijn gedachten zijn plots overal. Wie is Lars? denk ik. Binnenin voel ik iets wat ik in lange tijd niet meer gevoeld heb. Zou Lars misschien die man zijn waar ze die avond in de nachtclub mee gezoend heeft? Is het een oude vlam van haar? Iemand die ze leerde kennen in de tijd dat we elkaar niet gezien hebben? Ben ik gewoon een van de zovelen voor haar? Een willekeurig iemand die haar aandacht geeft zodra ze de nood voelt om door iemand gezien te willen worden?

Ik hoor een deur die opengaat en het geluid van douchewater. Luna die roept: ‘Is het oké als ik jouw handdoek gebruikt?’ Ik antwoord niet. De deur gaat weer dicht.

Verward ga ik ga aan de keukentafel zitten met een glas water, probeer te raden waar deze Lars ineens vandaan komt. 

Het geluid van de douche verstomt. Ik hoor opnieuw een deur en Luna verschijnt in de deuropening in niets anders gehuld dan een witte handdoek. Haar haren zijn nat, er vallen druppels water op haar schouders.

‘He, Ben, ik wilde even vragen of…Ben?’ 

Ik staar naar mijn glas. Weet niet wat te zeggen. ‘Je hebt een bericht,’ zeg ik droog. 

Verbaasd neemt Luna haar telefoon van de keukentafel. Ze leest het bericht en  moet al snel begrepen hebben waar mijn afstandelijk gedrag vandaan komt want ze zucht demonstratief en gaat recht tegenover me zitten. Even zegt ze niets, dan vraagt ze: ‘Waarom lees je mijn berichten?’

‘Deed ik niet, ik bedoel, je telefoon lichtte op dus ik -’

‘“Lars” is kort voor Larissa, Ben. M’n nichtje. Ze zou me dit weekend helpen mijn tekst voor een toneelstuk in te studeren.’

Ik voel mijn hoofd rood worden en durf Luna niet aan te kijken. Maar tegelijk voel ik een opluchting zoals ik nooit eerder heb ervaren. Wanneer ik toch opkijk, staart Luna me uitdrukkingsloos aan. Dan verschijnt er een brede glimlach op haar gezicht. 

‘Het is helemaal oké hoor. In jouw plaats had ik waarschijnlijk hetzelfde gedacht.’

Ik kijk Luna verontschuldigend aan, zeg dan: ‘In de onderste lade vind je vast nog een nieuwe tandenborstel.’

Luna, staat op, gaat achter me staan en omhelst me. Ik voel haar natte haarlokken in mijn nek. 

‘Ik moet zeggen dat je best schattig bent als je jaloers bent,’ zegt ze. ‘Ik ga me afdrogen.’ Ze geeft me een zoen op mijn wang - de tweede van de avond, stel ik vast - en loopt terug naar de badkamer. De handdoek neemt ze af nog voor ze de badkamer binnen is.

[wtfcraigslistnyc]

I’m back motherfuckers!! YES!!! To the roots of where this whole sorted mess began.. CRAIGSLIST… Life has handed me some of the sweetest cherries via CRAISGSLIST. I can’t ever quit you….

This first foray back to the OG art form comes to us from some DOUCHE in VIRGINA… It’s not just for LOVERS apparently. Having spent a fair amount of time in the mid-atlantic region I feel connected to this world this strange query springs from… ENJOI 12.6.23

CHRISTMAS ELF…

It’s really profound what the human mind is capable of. Curing cancer, overcoming tremendous adversity, dragging what’s left of your body after a bear mauls you… But other times the mind wanders in the cold, bleak, dark of winter. The walls close in and everyone begins to look like a bucket of KFC that complains too much. So the wheels spin and land on a very intuitive and obvious solution as you drift across the sewage treatment plant liquid surface of the modern popular cultural zeitgeist.

One can only try to imagine the wretched and pitiful mind that would solicit another human for their sick holiday fun….

WILL FARRELL!!! OF COURSE!!! ELF!!!

My cheating wife and asshole children will be so goddam stoked on this utter tidal wave of yuletide inspiration. Nothing will prepare them for the TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET-esque reveal I have on deck for them all…

The whole concept actually appeared in a fever dream as I took a stroll down memory lane to revisit my old childhood haunts of the web… EBAUM'S BABY!!! All the most vile stuff really. It brought me back to the time of dial up and TUB GIRL. Of lesser and greater evils I may or may not have been privy to.

The issue is that I know my dog is gonna rape the ELF… It’s the ELEPHANT in the room really.

BUSTER has been really not adjusting well to any of the many hurdles we’ve presented him with. First, we switched him from a VEGAN, non protein based diet. This caused our beloved pup to really take a turn for the worse almost instantly. His poor canine rectum became a fire hydrant of angry, hateful excrement. He seemed to charge at passing cars with what little life force remained, chasing his own death like a ball sadly…

Thankfully we found a DOGGIE LIFE COACH who really set us straight on the path of nothing but freshly butchered chicken and raw veg. His stools are now like baseballs, one saves in a bin and are carefully burned over the winter months to warm the family at our cabin in the stix…

The unfortunate byproduct of this new vigor BUSTER’s meat infused doggie heart is that he basically tries to penetrate ANY creature that he perceives as a possible for him to mount and dominate.

We found out the hard way… The kids had just come back from school. I was busy cutting brush out back with our gardener… Lord knows his idle hands won’t execute my desires if I’m not there to micro-manage each and every gesture of his hands.

The sound made JUAN and myself quite concerned. The state has advised me not to really provide any other details as the investigation is still pending. I think that in the end everyone will come out on the other side of this unfortunate misunderstanding far more cognisant of BUSTER’s potential for solo doggie breeding supremacy.

We take him to a place now. JUAN introduced us to the guy. He refuses to tell me his name because he says I have a big mouth and will make problems if I know it. He’s got a system where two times a week I drop off BUSTER and he lets him just pound all these dogs making more of his ilk to populate the gene pool. The guy is giving me a really good deal on this dog therapy. BUSTER is much more manageable now that his balls are drained of the hateful poison that bubbles like molten lava…

I’ve already hired a gregarious fella named AL to be the ELF. I actually held “AUDITIONS” in my minivan at the mall. AL was the only one to swallow and that goes a very long way in my book. He didn’t even complain about the ether fumes that engulfed the cabin of the van as I let my drippy rag make me forget why I had a little person blowing me at WALMART, nibbling on a churro….

AL says he has a lot of mascott experience which is going to be very important…. The guy who helps keep BUSTER chill, is on holiday for the next month and as such he left him with a rubber dog we chained up next to his kennel… The poor thing is barely intact and it’s only been a couple of days.

I see this whole holiday ELF reveal meets my psycho dog extravaganza going one of two ways… AL will be smiling counting his money driving home… AL spends the holidays chilling as BUSTER’s bitch in the kennel waiting for the “BONUS” I keep telling him is gonna be life changing and super sweet… It’s yet another YULETIDE MIRACLE.