#elf is a douche

[chancellor-reno5]

Nanbaka Ramble incoming

Enki deserved better. The way that the murder wasn't his fault, it was instead Elf's. He lost a brother because of Elf. He lost his job because of Elf.

He ripped his own heart out because of Elf.

If someone had realised it was Elf the whole time, Enki would've lived

And why did it have to be Samon that found his body?

Ramble over (I may have gotten some bits mixed up but heyho !)

[devotion-disorder]

Until your nose is warm and you can move your fingers, think about yandere boys in bikinis (naturally I think of Asa and Noel)

maybe i'll feel warmer if i draw summery things......beach day slay💥

[whiteladyofithilien]

I think my main reason for shipping Caranthir and Haleth is because we need at least one inter-race Tolkien couple where the human is a woman. Like all three canon human-elven pairings it's always the fabulous fae elven beauty and the heroic dude and I'm like... What about a mighty elf-lord and his badass human lady? Hmm? I need this to be a thing and Haleth/Caranthir is the only ship I know of that has that dynamic going for it plus of the middle three sons of Feanor Caranthir is the only one NOT part of the attacks on Luthien... therefore he's the best of those 3

[realitybitesyouknowit]

Chapters: 7/7 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Lucius Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter & Original Character(s), Minor or Background Relationship(s) Characters: Harry Potter, Original Male Character(s), Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom, Augusta Longbottom, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, George Weasley Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Harry Potter is Not the Boy-Who-Lived, Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Courting Rituals, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Past Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Virgin Harry Potter, Hurt/Comfort Series: Part 3 of From Litha to Lammas 2024 Summary:

AU. Harry knows there are both advantages and disadvantages to being the twin of Ian Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, who defeated Voldemort three years ago. Harry never anticipated that one of the disadvantages would be Lucius Malfoy offering him a formal courtship—and his brother insisting he has to accept, to spy on Malfoy and see what he’s been up to since the war ended. 

[yanderenightmare]

2023 collection part two

July

BNHA—Yandere captor Deku and all his selfish imposing ways:

♡ SELFISH

BNHA—Shigaraki finds his soulmate:

♡ FATE CAN BE A BTICH

JJK—Naoya x cureless maid reader:

♡ PROPOSAL GIFT

BNHA—Alpha Bakugou mating his terrified Omega reader:

♡ Five Steps for Alphas Mating Omegas

BNHA—Poly wolf-boys Bakugo and Deku with a bunny reader in heat:

♡ HEATED

HQ!!—Bully Tsukishima helps you study:

♡ DINKERBELL

JJK—Mahito discovers his carnal urges:

♡ PLAYTHING

JJK—How scary is yandere captor Gojo:

♡ SCARY

JJK—How strict husband Naoya is with his little wife:

♡ LUCKY BRIDE

JJK—Sukuna making terrified reader sit in his lap:

♡ SCARY-HOT

JJK—Sukuna tells you his real name:

♡ FORGIVEN

August

JJK—Cult leader Geto takes advantage of one of his devotees:

♡ MONKEY

JJK—Geto likes seeing you cry:

♡ DACROPHILIA

September

JJK—Toji was paid to kill you but decided to take you instead:

♡ BARGAIN SALE

JJK—Toji fucking his captive darling:

♡ smutty drabble

BNHA—Yandere Shigaraki roofying his cheerleader crush at a party:

♡ CHEERS

JJK—Cockwarming Mahito while he reads you horror stories:

♡ SCAREDY-CAT

BNHA—Deku terrorizes his ex-girlfriend:

♡ GREEN PAISLEY

BNHA—Parole officer Bakugou accepts your bribe:

♡ OUR LITTLE SECRET

BNHA—Jock bully Bakugou fucks nerdy reader:

♡ SECRET OBSESSION

BNHA—Bakugou likes his hopeless classmate:

♡ COOKING CLUB

JJK—Yandere Yuta x kidnapped reader:

♡ SAFE

BNHA—Shigaraki is all about the tits:

♡ TITTIES

JJK—Gojo and Geto x assistant supervisor:

♡ SUIT

Misogynist boyfriend keeps you captive:

♡ A SHITTY MOVIE

October

JJK—Sukuna with his beloved before he became a demon:

♡ SPIDERLILLY

BNHA—Douche fuckboy Deku and his biggest fan:

♡ FANGIRL'S DREAM

JJK—Geto x curse darling:

♡ PAYMENT

JJK—Gojo x curse darling:

♡ MEETING ♡ LIVING TOGETHER ♡ ANGST

BNHA—Shigaraki reacts to his darling developing Stockholm Syndrome:

♡ KISSES

BNHA—Overworked and touch-starved Prohero Bakugou x girlfriend reader:

♡ ONE MORE TIME?

JJK—Mahito can't transfigure you:

♡ PURE

JJK—Megumi surprisingly has game:

♡ SHAMELESS

JJK men x curse darling:

♡ CURSE DARLINGS

BNHA—Wolfboy Shigaraki buys bunny reader from a sex trafficker:

♡ DEAL

JJK—Sadist Gojo with curse darling:

♡ WEAKNESS

JJK—Mahito goes from platonic yandere to romantic yandere:

♡ PET 

Thirsty thoughts on big yanderes x tiny darlings:

♡ FUN-SIZED

JJK—Nanami comes home tattered and bloody from a job:

♡ GONE

JJK—Megumi when he’s older and looks more like Toji:

♡ THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR

BNHA—Orc Enji x elf reader:

♡ ORC x ELVEN PRINCESS ♡ ORC x ELF

November

Thirsty thoughts on big yanderes x tiny darlings:

♡ GENTLE GIANT

BNHA—Fuckfriend Bakugou turns yandere:

♡ BORING

BNHA—Yandere captor Bakugou wants captive darling to be willing:

♡ WILLINGLY OR NOT

JJK—Bully Gojo teaching his little victim a lesson about who she belongs to:

♡ BULLY GOJO

JJK—Bully Gojo & Geto drugging crush:

♡ ODD…

BNHA—Reader develops Stockholm Syndrome for Dabi:

♡ PERFECT

BNHA—Incel Bakugou kidnaps reader to be his sex-puppet:

♡ TOUCH

JJK—Poly Gojo and Geto sharing captive darling headcanons:

♡ HOUSEWIFE

BNHA—Prohero Bakugou going yandere for childhood friend and coworker:

♡ EMPTY SHELLS

BNHA—Hermit forest-dweller Bakugou takes lost hiker reader captive:

♡ HERMIT

JJK—Bully boyfriend Gojo roleplay and fluff:

♡ NEVER

JJK—Gojo being a pervy wierdo with strange taste:

♡ WIERDO

JJK—Smug teasing boyfriend Gojo:

♡ PLAY

JJK—You didn't pay Toji's fee, so now he's coming to collect:

♡ BOUNTY

BNHA—Gross Shigaraki makes you wash him:

♡ SHOWER

Step-bro creeps on you:

♡ CREEP STEP-BRO

BNHA—Yandere sadist Shigaraki is really into BDSM:

♡ PET

BNHA—Shigaraki drugs and fucks Dabi's pretty girlfriend:

♡ GOODIE TWO SHOES

JJK—Sex therapist Nanami being pervy with his patient:

♡ SEX THERAPY ♡ SEQUAL kinda

Orc master loves making a cum-slut out of his pretty elf slave:

♡ ORC x ELF ♡ ORC x ELF

Punished for trying to run away from your yandere captor:

♡ PUNISHED

JJK—Ex-boyfriend Sukuna fucks you at a party:

♡ EX

BNHA—Poly Proheroes Bakugo and Deku blackmails criminal reader:

♡ STREET SCUM

JJK—The Itadoris all living together in a run-down house:

♡ SHAMELESS

BNHA—Dabi has new cock-piercings he wants to try out:

♡ ARMED AND READY

December

BNHA—Soldier Hawks & Dabi knock on your door and expect to be fed:

♡ THE QUARTERING ACT

JJK—Mahito is like a nosy roommate:

♡ PRACTICE

JJK—Arranged marriage with Geto, but he shares you with Gojo:

♡ ARRANGED MARRIAGE

Yandere kidnapper softly nonconning darling:

♡ SOFT NONCON

BNHA—Incel Shigaraki crushes on the pretty store clerk at the comic/game shop:

♡ CUSTOMER SERVICE

Colleague crushing on reader in office au:

♡ CUT TO THE CHASE

JJK—Sorceror reader teasing imprisoned Sukuna:

♡ INSUFFERABLE

JJK—Alpha Gojo teasing Omega reader:

♡ SCARED?

Strict yandere captor hates when you curse:

♡ FILTHY

BNHA—Shiggy and Dabi share a darling:

♡ PULLED LEFT AND RIGHT

BNHA—Shigaraki is the worst BNHA yandere:

♡ FILTHY

Yandere kidnapper takes your virginty:

♡ VIRGINITY

JJK—Sukuna gatekeeps you:

♡ CHASTITY BELT

BNHA—Alpha Bakugou figures out why he bullies Omega reader:

♡ LESSON ♡ HEAT

JJK—Gojo is too late to make you his:

♡ SOMEONE ELSE

JJK—Yandere Gojo fighting your man for your hand:

♡ DUEL

Your strict teacher fucks your throat raw in detention:

♡ DETENTION

♡ 2023 COLLECTION PART ONE ♡ ALL MASTERLISTS

[lxdymoon0357]

Hello, I saw your post about a yandere Benjamin Lemberk with an elf. It occurred to me if he could be the same yandere Benjamin Lemberk x reader with the appearance of Florentia Lombardi and a personality between Helaena and Gael Targaryen is autistic with ADHD and sensitive please

(Warnings: reader is mentioned to have a mix of ginger hair with a mix of reader's original colour and heterochromia with one green-coloured eye and one has your eye colour ||Florentia Lombardi! reader.

PLEASE forgive me for not getting things right..I'm a pretty neurotypical person and I have no idea what I'm doing. Tried to make it from whatever information I got from google. 2nd Warnings: non acceptance of mental illness, ableism, murder, mutilation, everything bad except SA and cannibalism, we don't do that. Keep in mind, I don't condone this and you're very much valid, Benji here is just an asshole, too much of a douche, sorry.. Again, sorry for any inaccuracies or anything, I got everything off of google)

© Writing belongs to me, Lxdymoon0357. Do not plagiarize, but reblogging, liking and commenting is deeply appreciated.

Yandere!Benjamin Lemberk HCs

◈ The moment Benjamin fell out of Claudia's circle, his eyes were left onto you. An eccentric, soft-spoken, hyperactive, restless little elf. Of-course in no way was he going to let you go. You're just the cutest thing ever!!♡

◈ He does find it a bit irritating how you hyperfixate on certain things, especially bugs and other things, can't you see he's doing things and going out of his way for you? He doesn't care if your autism or ADHD is the cause of it, stop being selfish!

◈ But depending on how much you behave regarding him, he finds you soft-spoken behavior appealing though he would have preferred you being a bit more like Claudia; bright and out-spoken.

◈ but your soft spoken and cryptic language speaking and non society conforming behavior, hyperattentive traits, stimming and all of it bothers people, so he's somewhat okay with it as long as people don't get too close, he doesn't want to kill as many people. Too much work in his eyes, but as long as it's for you, he'll do whatever you want!~

◈ He'll always be beside you if he can't keep you locked away forever, help you with societal cues and everything and kp your hyperactivities are bay, but not really, he doesn't really care if you end up annoying people away. I mean, it's only working in his favor.

◈ Always listens to you talk about your bug collection or new hyper-interest in whatever you have, the weird way of systemization and your intense routine you seem intent on following. God, you're so hot when you blabber about stupid things no one seems to care about to intensely!~

◈ But he does feel like you're going half-insane when you start speaking in cryptic language, your eyes may be pretty..but he can only sit so much before he feels like you're cursing him with your cryptic language, please.

◈ But you're not just some timid girl, your firmness and you do put him in his place, despite your soft-spoken, reclusive and sensitive, eccentric traits. You do have firmness and manners of authority in yourself. He does stop being so shitty to you and behaves better regarding your mental health.

◈ His jealousy issues are off the charts, keeps you locked up everyday..but in a way he lets you hyperfixate on all interests and burn out all hyperattentivity, impulsivity and keeps you so occupied your lack of attention on certain things and time blindness doesn't really matter.

◈ Lets you use his fingers for stimming or his clothes, he gets jealous of everything and anything.His clothes are very fancy, but sometimes too over-stimulating with heavy perfumes, rough textures and evn the way it can sometimes snatch on your own clothes with it's jewels and all..So there's that.

◈ But speaking of his clothes, you may get easily overstimulated by his clothes and sometimes even his presence, the fucker is very much in himself a asmr video of type. You may even end up maybe crying and he has to control the urge to really just burn his clothes right then and there so you would stop crying. He may be the biggest, ableist and even deny you your mental health..but the moment your mental health does affect you, he'll be dying to get it fixed. He may be an asshole, but he's only your asshole.

◈ But in a way, he also uses your mental health against you. Using anything that overstimulates you for keeping you chained down, though it doesn't work like magic..but you're more subservient when he does use anything that you get overstimulated by; heavy perfumes, weird textures, nothing to stim with, tight closed rooms, even if keeping your own hair down overstimulates you, he'll force you to not put it up in hairstyles, till you can behave atleast.

◈ One time he got into this dilemma with you where he came home to you with your autism and adhd battling against each other. Apparently you were trying to 'arrange' numbers (because everything you do is universally correct), but very time you did come around, your attention never stayed and you moved on. So you removed all distractions and started to again 'arrange' numbers correctly. But again, attention never stayed so you only sat there with nothing, you wouldn't move and wer adamant.

◈ He had never thought in his life that one day, he'd have to sit down with love of his life and the bane of existence to 'arrange' numbers by their 'correct' order because you wouldn't move otherwise and literally. It took seven hours because you two kept getting distracted by your conversations to 'arrange' around a hundred numbers from 0-100. He hopes you don't get the idea of 'arranging' numbers again for 0-1000 or something because their feeligns hurt they wer left out or something.

◈ But leaving that..If anyone, other than him at-least, dares to comment on your mental health in a way you don't like like babying you or refusing to acknowledge it's something you struggle with or literally ANYTHING he does, but it's someone else. He has a whole procedure; first he'll kidnap them, torture them to get apologies so loud, you can hear it from your own room in his manor and then once he's satisfied, he'll kill the person off..but not before mutilating and really using them as a dart board or disfiguring their faces to the point of non recognition of their corpse.

◈ Yeah, it's a lot being with him with mental illness and soft spoken and eccentricness. Him as a yandere is even worse than him with Claudia, which is already borderline yandere.

[thechaoticdruid]

[This Bites] (3)

Pairing: Astarion x F! Chubby MC

Content/Warnings: Sexual humor, suggestive content, animal death, blood, slight angst, no Brian yay!, Winnie freaking out again, fluff,

Quick summary: Winnie gets Star out of the house after being cooped up since his arrival. Vampire hijinks ensue.

Chapter Two: Go Back

Chapter Three: Stay here.

Chapter Four: Lets fucking goooo!

Check out this silly recreation of the chapter in The Sims I did.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Hiding a secret pet from your parents was stressful enough, but hiding a whole grown ass man in your room would likely be a thousand times as nerve wracking.  Especially with a step douche who had a habit of barging into the room. Luckily for Winnie, her stepfather was never a quiet man, always stomping along the floor in thick combat boots. And her current stowaway was very perceptive. That still didn't cover all her issues. Winnie had searched all over Nexus Mods for that damn cheat mod she downloaded but could not find it again. It was as if the creator deleted it just after Astarion got out. To make matters worse the vampire was likely starting to get hungry. He'd been gazing at her more and more longingly each day since his escape from the computer. She'd need a way for feeding her guest which didn't involve anyone getting sucked flat like a caprisun. Of course she thought about offering him her own blood, but the idea honestly made her uneasy. In fantasy it was very appealing, having an extremely attractive and alluring man suck on your neck, what's not to like? There was the whole sharp teeth tearing into your flesh aspect, but in fantasy there was no pain, no need to worry about death. Just sweet sweet blissful fantasy. But that was not the case now.  In reality if Astarion were to sink his fangs into her neck he wouldn't need to drink all her blood to kill her. She'd probably bleed out from her jugular being punctured alone. 

Winnie stared over at him as he peeked out the window. Night had fallen and he didn't need to worry about the sun. At least not for a while. 

Winnie sighed, “I have no idea how I'm going to feed you if I'm honest.” 

“Since you're so keen on protecting our dear friend Brian I suppose that leaves me with having to go out and hunt for my next meal, well unless you'd be generous enough to offer me your lovely neck.” 

“I don't think that's a good idea, but I guess my arm might be okay…” Winnie lifted up her arm to look at it. 

“You love to take the fun out of things don’t you? But alright, I'm not about to turn down a willing meal.” Astarion's pupils practically dilated at the sight of the veins on Winnie’s arm. His mouth watering at the thought of her warm blood coating his throat and he couldn't help but lick his lips.

“Hold on! I didn't mean right this second!” Winnie hid her arm behind her back, her cheeks turning red at the hungry look he was giving her. 

“Such a tease.” Astarion huffed and crossed his arms.

“I had some things planned for tonight and I can't do them if my head is spinning from blood loss.”  Winnie said before searching through her closet.

She pulled out a large duffle bag and began to unzip it. Inside were some hoodies and other clothing. Grey and black T-shirts, some jeans and a pair of sneakers. “Here, these were my brother's, they’ll probably fit you.” Winnie said before tossing the bag onto the bed.

Astarion made a disgusted sound.

“These are so tasteless and drab!” 

“We’ll get you something more suitable to your tastes later. For now you need to be able to blend in.” Winnie explained. Astarion muttered something under his breath before he started removing his purple doublet and exposing his pale muscular chest. He was so perfect, so flawless. Winnie’s brain honestly turned off for a moment as the elf then proceeded to slide down his pants. Her eyes nearly entranced by a certain large shape in his drawers, her face turning bright red. 

“My eyes are up here, darling.~”Astarion purred, voice husky and soft. 

“A-Ah sorry! I should….” Winnie sputtered before scrambling off into the connecting bathroom. Astarion chuckled a bit, watching the flustered female dash out of the room. He couldn't help but find her rather adorable.  Winnie stood in the bathroom for a few moments, heart pounding as she pressed her back against the door. 

Oh God, why didn't I walk out sooner!?

“You can come out now, my dear.” Eventually Astarion's voice broke her from her thoughts. The human girl let out an exasperated sigh before opening the door and heading back in. The clothes were a little tight around his body, making his muscles quite visible through the light gray tee.  Winnie quickly grabbed a black hoodie and handed it to him. “Here, put this on.” She said, watching him slide the jacket on. Winnie zipped it up for him before leaning up on her tiptoes and  pulling the hood over his head.

“Hey! My hair!” He whined.

“I'll fix it for you later. Right now I don't want anyone gawking over your ears.”

“Why would anyone be doing that?” 

“Ah, right. You see, in this world there are no elves, no magic, no vampires….Just humans really.” Winnie rubbed the back of her head. 

“Really? Gods, how dull. Not that I mind being the only vampire around. That actually sounds rather delightful.” Astarion smirked a bit. 

“Please don't get in any world domination ideas. Just because there aren't any vampires doesn't mean there aren't people who can tear you a new one.” Winnie sighed before peeking out the door into the hall. “Okay, they're asleep. Now come on.” Winnie said quietly.

“Where are we going?” Astarion whispered, slowly following Winnie as they tiptoed out of the house. 

“We're heading out to town. It's probably a good idea for you to get acquainted with the area just in  case something bad happens.” Winnie explained, “plus I feel bad about keeping you locked up in my room for days.” She then took out her cellphone and shook it, causing the flashlight to turn on.

“I thought you said, you didn't have magic here.” 

“We don't. This my fanged friend is technology. It’s a machine mostly for talking to people far away, but also does a bunch of other stuff.” Winnie used her phone to navigate in the dark as they began walking down across her driveway. Winnie’s neighborhood was quiet, each of the houses were fairly spaced out with plenty of trees and brush littering the terrain.  Parked in the yard near her family’s cars was a purple motorcycle. 

“Oh, and this is my trusty steed! Or well it's basically my personal source of transportation. Think of it like a horse but made of metal. To make it even better this won't decide to turn around and bite you!” Winnie said with a smile.

“As wonderful as that sounds. I'm not quite sure about climbing onto some strange metal contraption.” 

“Well…If you'd rather walk….” Winnie said in a sing-songy tone, putting her phone into her pocket.

“Nevermind! Let's go!” 

Winnie climbed on the bike, her hands gripping the handles as she glanced over at Astarion. He looked the vehicle over curiously, nearly jumping up in the air when the girl turned on the engine. 

“Come on!” Winnie said.  Hesitantly he climbed on and immediately clung to Winnie, arms wrapped around her plush waist. 

“Oh, this is rather intimate.~” Astarion took the opportunity to nuzzle his face into her neck, growing a bit more comfortable as he held onto her soft form. Winnie immediately turned bright red, a shiver going down her spine.  She didn't really think this through did she? 

Focus! Do not let the incredibly sexy vampire elf hugging your back cause you to have a crash! 

We are not dying because of horniniess goddamnit!

Winnie mentally scolded herself as she drove off. Not that she disliked his attentions, mind you. She was just very easily flustered, never having been in any kind of romantic relationship, physical or otherwise.  Astarion sighed into her neck, The smell of lavender and cherry blossoms mixed with the delectable scent of her blood was absolutely heavenly.  It took all he had to resist the urge to sink his fangs into her neck and gorge himself on her blood.

Winnie kept her eyes on the road, the headlights of her motorcycle illuminated the street as they zoomed down it.  There weren't too many cars on the road so Winnie could be thankful for that. 

They rode away from the suburbs where Winnie’s home resided, eventually until coming towards a small shop just outside of the city. A large sign that read ‘CornerStore’ sat atop the building and illuminated the parking lot.

“This is where I work.” Winnie said as she turned into the parking lot. She parked up front in her usual spot before turning off the engine and hopping off. 

“Well this seems like a cozy little shop.” Astarion said, getting off. “What exactly could you precure here?” 

“Mostly snacks. Some hygiene products and other things. Just stuff you need around your home really.” Winnie said, leaning up on her toes to fix his hoodie before leading him inside. 

Winnie looked around the shop, thinking about anything she could get which would be useful for her new guest to have in the future. She couldn't get too much however. She only had so much room in the little trunk she had on her motorcycle. 

Bandages would be a good idea, shampoo…. Though he'd likely complain if it was some kind of cheap smelling stuff….

Astarion looked over Winnie as she scanned around the store. His tongue flicked over his fangs as he couldn't help but stare at her jugular. The gnawing pain in his stomach was crying out, demanding to be sated. He backed up as Winnie became engrossed in the products that decorated the shelves. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a small creature outside the shop. Almost cat-like, but with a longer snout, a ringed tail and tiny black hands.  The creature appeared to be picking around in the trash outside. Not his first choice, but it had to at least be better than a rat.

Winnie kept looking through some hygiene products, wondering what her fanged friend would need when suddenly she heard what sounded like an angry raccoon. She quickly whipped her head around, heart nearly stopping when she noticed Astarion was gone. 

Quickly she rushed outside and glanced over to see a dead raccoon fall to the ground. Astarion stood over it, blood dripping down his chin. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Winnie whisper-shouted. 

“I was hungry…” Astarion shrugged, looking at her with round innocent eyes, mouth still covered in blood. Winnie grimaced, kicking the dead raccoon off to the side and out of sight before grabbing hold of Astarion and dragging him off. She pulled him into the store before making a beeline for the bathroom. She dragged him inside and slammed the door. 

The young woman pinched the bride of her nose, on the verge of tearing her hair out.  

“Please…Just please….Can you not do any vampire shit out where people can see you!?” Winnie said.

“No one was even around to see me. Sweetie, you worry far too much.” Astarion said, making a sassy hand gesture. Winnie crossed her arms and huffed, her eyebrow twitching.  She turned before grabbing some paper towels and wetting them. 

“You have to understand.” Winnie said calmly, “if people find out you're a vampire they'll probably try to kill you or worse cut you open and try to find out what makes you tick. Just please be careful.” She wiped the blood off his face before crumbling up the towels and burying them in the bottom of the trashcan. Astarion crossed his arms and stepped closer to her.

“I am a master of stealth, my dear. And if you expect me to just wait about for my next meal while you flaunt around that delicious neck of yours, I might not be able to control myself for long.” He said, running a clawed finger over her jugular making her shiver. His voice was playful, a bit flirty even, but the warning was still very clear. If she kept him waiting for too long he might not even be able to think before taking a bite out of her. 

“I promise I'll figure out a way to feed you, just give me time…Please.” 

“Oh alright, but only because you're so sweet.” He tapped her nose playfully. “And that little snack should keep me sated for now, ahaha.” 

Winnie washed her hands before leaving the bathroom to continue looking around for some supplies. Astarion followed after her, red eyes inspecting the isles with interest. Some of the objects looked familiar, but somehow still foreign.

A couple of times he'd ask Winnie what something was, and she'd do her best to explain, but sometimes it was difficult. Especially with some technological items that Winnie herself wasn't even completely educated on. 

She picked up a few things she deemed would be useful for hosting her guest, bandages, hygienic stuff and a burner phone. Winnie was about to go pay for the items when she froze, eyes widening in fear. Shit. Becca was working tonight. 

“Darling, are you alright?” The vampire’s voice was gentle. Astarion noticed Winnie’s fear and placed a hand on her shoulder before looking over to what had her tense. At the cash register was a tall skinny woman with long red hair, round red glasses and a face full of freckles. There was a black visor around her neck with a name tag attached along with several different round pins, most notable ones being a colorful pin with a pattern of pink and blue with a purple line in between and a second pin with what looked like a mind flayer on it. She wore a casual blue dress and didn't look the least but intimidating so Astarion was rather puzzled as to what had Winnie's heart pounding so wildly.

Becca was probably the closest thing Winnie had to a friend these days, considering practically all her peers from high school had ran off to start their own lives (the fucking plebs) and the two were able to bond a bit over a common interest in video games. See where this is going? Becca was a gamer. A rather devoted gamer who was always quick to snatch up any of the hot new triple A releases.  Winnie turned back to look at Astarion before quietly whispering, “when we go up to the counter do not say a word, okay?”

“Why?” Astarion asked.

“I'll explain it later, just stay quiet please.” She said before the two walked up to the register. Becca glanced up from the magazine she was looking over and smiled. Astarion held the small of Winnie’s back and stayed close to her. He was still not sure why Winnie was so frightened of this very simple looking woman. Though looks could be deceiving. She could be some kind of shapeshifter in disguise! 

“Winnie! I didn't think you'd be stopping by tonight.” Becca said in a cheerful tone. 

“Hey Becca!” Winnie greeted in a tone as perky as she could muster. “I…Just needed to pick up a few things I was running low on.” She said handing over the items. Becca’s blue eyes looked over Winnie’s face as she scanned the supplies.

She noticed her nervousness, but didn't seem too concerned. Winnie was known to get anxious quite easily. But then she noticed the male standing next to her and hummed. Becca noticed the white curls peeking out from under the hoodie he wore and took a long look at his very pretty face. He seemed very familiar, but she couldn't for the life of herself figure out why. 

“Winnie,” She spoke up in a playful tone, “is this your boyfriend? He is cute.” Becca teased with a wink. Astarion couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

“A-Ah! N-No! We're just friends!” Winnie said, getting very embarrassed. Astarion suddenly snapped his head towards her, a bit shocked at her words.

WHAT?!

Winnie ignored him the questioning looks he was giving her. She leaned over towards Becca. “I'm just helping him out. He's really really shy….” Winnie muttered to her. Astarion stood there arms crossed as he glared at Winnie slightly, eyebrow twitching.

“Oh, okay.” Becca responded, scanning and bagging up Winnie’s things. “That'll be 29.50.” 

Winnie paid for the supplies before walking out, Astarion stomping after her. She put the bags into the trunk of her motorcycle before she finally acknowledged his glaring.

“What?” She asked.

“Just friends? After everything we've been through, you and I are just friends?!” Astarion almost hissed out, but his tone sounded far more hurt than angry. 

“We literally just met a few days ago.” Winnie said, a bit confused. She backed up a bit, flinching at his tone.

“I wasn't lying when I said I fell in love with you over and over! I..I…Did something happen? Do you not like me anymore?” His voice sounded a bit hoarse. Winnie’s heart shattered as she noticed he looked like he was on the verge of tears. 

“Astarion…” She said softly before approaching him. “I do like you. I like you a lot, but you don't really know me ... .The person in the game, the brave strong beautiful adventurer. That's not me.” 

Astarion huffed, trying to blink away the glassiness of his eyes. 

“I fell in love with the sweet person who saved me, nothing else matters!” He took her hands in his. “Please…I want to be with you…” 

“Honey, you don't even know my birthday.” Winnie said with a sad smile. “And I….I'm really not sure. I know everything was probably quite real for you, but to me it was like I was just a spectator. Someone enjoying a good story. Hell I've never even kissed anyone in real life so the idea of jumping into a serious relationship out of nowhere is honestly terrifying…” Winnie said and looked off to the side. The silver haired male took a moment to regain his composure, wiping one of his eyes.

Winnie thought for a moment before looking back at him and gently squeezed his hands.

“Look, I don't have a lot of experience in this, but maybe we could start over? I could court you, maybe?” 

“Oh….Y-Yes…Yes that would make me very…happy…” The vampire blinked away his tears before mustering up a smile. Winnie released his hands, before hesitantly moving in closer. She thought about going in for a hug before she noticed him lean closer, lips puckered. 

Quickly she stopped his mouth with her index finger. 

“I'm…Not ready for that just yet…” She said with a sad smile as he pulled back. 

“Of course, apologies…I misunderstood.” He said feeling a bit embarrassed. Winnie quickly decided to just pull close for a hug before anything else happened. Astarion relaxed a bit, taking comfort in her embrace, and quickly wrapping his arms around her. It was difficult. His relationship had now practically been set back to stage one. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

After Astarion had calmed down and the two of them left the Corner Store. Winnie decided to keep her word about beginning a courtship with her flamboyantly fanged friend.  The night was still young and a date was the perfect excuse for Winnie to stop somewhere to look for something edible to sate her own hunger. Unfortunately there was little the pale elf could enjoy at such establishments, but Winnie did have one idea. 

Astarion looked over Winnie’s shoulder, his eyes widened in awe at the bright lights of the city. It was rather beautiful, making the night much more pleasant and allowing him to see so much more color than he usually would at this time.

Winnie eventually stopped, bringing the motorcycle to a halt as they arrived at a large pleasant smelling building. The air was filled with the scent of meat and other savory dishes. 

Winnie got off the bike before quickly adjusting the hood on Astarion's head, making sure his ears were not visible.  Winnie then took her vampiric companion inside before ordering a table for the two.  She sat across from him in a booth, looking down at her hands shyly. 

“I know it might be hard to believe with my charms and devastatingly good looks, but I've actually never been on a date before, not a real one anyway.” Astarion chuckled a bit.

“What about before you were turned? Surely you'd have been on a date then?” Winnie frowned.

“Perhaps, but I can't exactly remember much from before. It might as well not have happened.” He sighed, looking off as a waitress walked towards the table. She was rather beautiful, long blonde hair, blue eyes, a waspy waist and thick curves in all the right places. 

“What can I get you both?”  She asked. 

“Oh, something full bodied and red.”  Astarion said and looked back at Winnie. 

“Red wine and a pinjacolada please.” Winnie said as she glanced up at the waitress, eyes staring enviously at her nearly perfect bodice. 

“Ah and some fried chicken fingers, and um….Can you get maybe get us an extremely rare steak?” Winnie asked feeling a bit clumsy and embarrassed about how her last line was worded. 

“An extremely rare steak?” The waiter looked at Winnie like she had grown a second head. 

“I don't know if we're allowed to-”

“Be a dear, and fetch me something as bloody as possible won't you beautiful?” Astarion turned towards the waitress, his tone dripping with charm, his ruby red eyes almost hypnotic as he gave her a flirtatious wink.

The waitress’s face turned bright red. 

“Y-Yes! Yes of course!” She sputtered, a giddy grin spreading across her face. Winnie felt a twinge a jealousy shoot through her. She understood why he did that, but it didn't make it feel any better. The pudgy female took out her cellphone as Astarion began to ramble on about something. Something about how dull all of the people here seemed, and how abhorrent their attires were.

Winnie began looking on Tumblr, noticing a notification about TheRespectfulBard posting a new BG3 fanfiction. Though something else caught Winnie's eye as she skimmed through the Bard’s blog.  Apparently the bard was also looking for a mod that had been recently removed from the Nexus Mod page. However the modification they were looking for happened to be a mod that added a few new overpowered attacks to the game. Winnie quickly looked through the comments and reblogs to find someone saying the mod was made by a user named ShadowMommy69. 

Oh God…….It was made by a simp…..

“Winnie? Winnie? Are you even listening to me!?” Astarion spoke up, sounding a bit annoyed.

“Ah! Sorry…I got a bit distracted….” Winnie hearted TheRespectfulBard’s post before putting her phone in her pocket. 

“Honestly darling if you can't pay attention I might have to find a way to punish you.~” He teased, his hand reaching over to hold hers from across the table.

“Oh shut up.” Winnie rolled her eyes with a grin, her cheeks burning up. Astarion was just eating up all of Winnie’s overly flustered reactions. They were honestly all too cute. He looked at her with soft round eyes, wanting nothing more to plant kisses all over her pudgy little face. 

“I've got your order!” The waitress from before brought in their food and drinks. Her hips swayed as she strutted over and set them down on the table. Blue eyes roamed over Astarion’s face and body, though he didn't seem particularly interested. The smell of blood from the meat hit him like a truck, making his mouth water. Winnie immediately began to nibble on her chicken, but her eyes were glued on that woman. 

“I hope you both enjoy…. Especially you.~” The blonde said, seductively running a finger over Astarion's chest, making him stiffen.

“Um lady he doesn't like to be touch-” Winnie tried to object, though her mouse like voice was completely ignored.

“I'm getting off at ten just so you know.” She winked at him before wandering off. Winnie glared at her strutting form.

“Creepy bitch…” She muttered under her breath. That skank was so not getting a tip. Astarion cleared his throat before dusting off the front of his jacket, acting as if the waitress had got him dirty.  

“Well, now that that's over. I think I have something to attend to.” His looked down at the streak which was practically dripping with blood. 

Winnie bit her lip. She wouldn't lie. This was a bit gross. 

Winnie grabbed her drink, slowly sucking it down as she attempted to ignore the vampire in front of her, cutting up the steak and sucking the blood off. She couldn't imagine what was probably going through the head of any on lookers.

“Oh my God he is so fucking hot.” Winnie’s ears perked up at the waitress’s voice as she gossiped with her friends.

“Who's girl with him? Think they're together?” 

“Fuck no! Have you seen her? Probably his sister or something.” 

Winnie rolled her eyes and glanced back at her food. She didn't really feel very hungry anymore. She looked down at her stomach. The round, plumpness of it made her feel so disgusting. It wouldn't be long before Astarion realized he had more options. Better looking options.

“Are you alright my sweet?” Astarion's concerned voice brought her gaze back up. 

“I'm fine I guess…A bit tired if I'm honest…” She said tapping her fingernails to the table. 

“Well then, perhaps we should get you home so you can get your beauty rest hm? Not that you need it of course! You're already the most beautiful person here.” The elf said sweetly.  

“Yeah, let's go.” Winnie nodded, the two left their table and Winnie payed for the food at the register. She side eyes the waitress from before who was still gossiping with her friends. Winnie turned ready to head out the doors before she was suddenly snatched up by Astarion.

“I just want you to know once we get home. I am going to make you scream my name.” He said, his husky voice purposely raised loud enough for everyone to hear.  Winnie immediately buried her embarrassed face into his neck. Despite being ready to faint she also couldn't help but let out a series of giggles at his bluntness.

The waitress from before looked over with a shocked and frankly pissed expression. The vampire smirked slightly before tugging Winnie outside.

It was around eleven o'clock when they arrived back home. Winnie got off her bike with a yawn before looking over at Astarion who's hood had once again fallen off due to the motorcycle ride. 

Since they were home though, she saw no point in fixing it again.  

“I think that was an absolutely delightful first date, my love.” Astarion said as the two walked over towards the front door. “Don't you agree?” 

“Shit.” Winnie stopped in her tracks.

“Oh come on! It wasn't that bad! Actually I don't think it was bad at all!” Astarion crossed his arms with a scoff.

“No! Shit!” She pointed at the front door which was cracked open about two feet. 

“Oh, oh dear.” The vampire exclaimed before his companion rushed inside. He quickly followed after her as she zoomed into her bedroom. 

“Maddie!? Maddie!” She called looking under the bed and in her closet before checking the bathoom. Astarion went into the bedroom and inhaled, trying to pinpoint the scent of the sweet little kitten’s blood. Was it nearby? However, his red orbs suddenly shot open at the echo of barking coming from outside. 

“Maddie!” Winnie cried in fear. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Note from The ChaoticDruid: Been so hyped to get this chapter out! We have a lead on who caused Astarion to suddenly become sentient and it looks like a Shadowheart lover lol. A Shadowheart simp if you will! Also I know a lot of people would probably think Winnie's crazy for not wanting to jump right into a serious romance with Astarion, but I just feel like there are some things we'd love to fantasize about, but might not be too sure about in real life. Besides the girl is very romantically awkward. If anyone has any ideas on how to hide Astarion's ears better I'm open to suggestions, oh and PLEASE tell me what you think of the chapter! I love hearing all the comments about stuff, really makes my day.

Also fuck, Maddie's in danger! Somebody do something!

Taglist: @astarioffsimpmain , @iamsexytrash , @tiedyedghoulette , @hp-art-studio , @gaymistakeboi @the-disaster-in-waiting

[raleigh-edward]

who's your li in tts? What are your opinions on the spy elf becoming an li?

I only go for Male LIs and I didn't like any of them in the beginning but Prince Tai has grown up on me so much I love him now lol. I love his and MC's dynamic very much. The enemy prince trope makes it a perfect slow burn. Although Tai is a reserved little cocky douche, he's also very gentlemanly ykwim and isn't tooth-achingly sweet or open with MC which is what makes his character feel like a very close depiction of what somebody who grew up as the imperial prince would be like.

I like Sha'arnez too but I'm too lazy to make another slot for him, I hope we have a well written friendship route for him because his and MC's humour matches and their banter is fun.

So far, I did not find Aldir very interesting, I don't think he's very popular in the fandom either? Correct me if I'm wrong though. His scenes so far gave me the fling LI/ Incomplete branch vibe, sure his character design is your typical RC skinny white guy with long blonde hair ™ but I'm sticking with Tai for now.

While I personally am not interested in his route, I do not have an issue with Aldir's romance path being a complete branch either since it's not too late in the story, the ratio of the female and male LIs is not too bad and if the author could balance scenes with LIs then go for it I guess.

[hrefna-the-raven]

Christmas spirit

Masterlist - DBH masterlist

Words: 710

There was something about Gavin that always intrigued you. Maybe it was his moody brooding demeanour, or perhaps it was the enigma that shrouded his true thoughts. Whatever it was, you couldn't help but be drawn to the douche detective. And now, as the holiday season approached, you were determined to bring a little Christmas cheer into his life, even if it meant facing his middlefinger flipping side. Gavin hated each day with equal passion but you were almost sure that he despised this time of the year even more. He never revealed the reasons behind his disdain, but his scowls and harsher sarcastic comments around this time of the year spoke volumes. Still, you couldn't let his bitterness stop you from enjoying the Christmas market that had just opened downtown and you were determined that you needed Detective Douche by your side to do so. Besides you had your very own ways of making it up to him later on at home and you were determined to bring a smile on his face.

As night fell and the city lights twinkled, you convinced Gavin to accompany you after his shift. You promised it would be a quick visit, assuring him that you'd make it up to him later which earned you an annoyed huff but you also noticed the mischievous spark in his eyes. Reluctantly and with a lot of his usual drama, he finally agreed.

Stepping into the market, the air was filled with the scent of freshly baked pastries, the sound of laughter and Christmas music. The stalls were adorned with colourful lights and decorations, casting a warm glow on the surrounding snow. It truly was a sight to behold and the atmosphere was filled with a hint of magic in the air.

You weaved through the crowd, dragging an annoyed Gavin along with you. You stopped at each stall, pointing out the unique trinkets and tasty treats. Gavin couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the silly Christmas hats you insisted on trying on, praying to every god he could think of that you wouldn't want him to try them on as well. Despite his grumpiness, a small, almost hidden, smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. He would never admit it, but seeing your glowing smile while wearing a jingly elf hat warmed his heart. He truly loved you and while not being shy of showing it in the privacy of your own home, he still had an image to keep outside since he could never know if one of his colleagues was hiding around and would see a softer side. They all hated him at the precinct and mostly left him alone and he'd do everything to keep it that way.

As the night wore on, you finally decided to call it a day. The market was slowly closing down and the chill in the air became more pronounced. You held Gavin's hand tight, guiding him back to the car, humming jolly tunes while slightly dancing with every step. Once inside the warmth of the car, Gavin let out a sigh. To your surprise, his face softened and he turned to you with that typical smirk that always made your heart skip a beat.

"You know, I didn't think I'd enjoy this Christmas nonsense, but I have to admit, it was rather...nice", he confessed, his voice filled with a hint of wonder.

You smiled back at him, giving his shoulder a playful slap.

"Well, I'm glad I could bring a little Christmas spirit into your life, even if it was just for a tiny moment", you replied, your heart swelling with warmth, "but don't worry, I won't tell anyone that the great Detective Reed actually enjoyed some quality time on the Christmas market", you winked at him.

Gavin let out a soft chuckle, his fingers gently gripping your neck as he drew you near, pressing his rough lips against yours in an affectionate kiss. As he slowly released his hold, he leaned in closer, his voice filled with a deep longing, causing a delightful sensation to course through your entire being.

"I'm eager to see what you have in mind to make it up to me for bringing me along to this market."

[fictionobsession]

okay so knowing only like vague things about the Rogue Trader companions I had like fully planned on romancing the evil elf guy

but then I was like RPing my character who is like, ex-crime lord, follows the Imperium insofar as it benefits her, doesn’t give a flying fuck what nobility think but is heavily invested in the wellbeing of the average person

and the ghost of my Trader entered my brain and was like “she would totally flirt with the Inquisitor guy to make him uncomfy” and then my achieves were like “Romance Started” and I was like… huh… bro is really into that huh

but then we started chapter 2 and he left and I was like okay girliepop he’s gone time to gear up to romance the evil elf dude! and then! Heinrix comes back?? and the trader on my shoulder was like “you know what to do”

so of course I’m like “Aha! I knew you couldn’t resist my charm ;)” because I’m trying to make him uncomfortable and it does??? but like he’s also happy about it???? like some sort of freak??? a giant dork secretly pleased by my theatrics???????

someone help am is my character (me) about to actually fall for the stupid imperium douche

[bugwolfsstuff]

here's the w.i.p for ToL chp 2 so far (I have rewritten it multiple times now)

Can i please get constructive criticism or something because my brain keeps screaming at me to scrap it all and rewrite it again.

-----

I woke up in a bed with an elf pointing runes at me menacingly, one of my spawn scowling at me, and a dwarf pointing a harpoon at my face.

So basically a typical Saturday for me.

I couldn't get much of a look at where I was because of the weapons in my face, but I seemed to be in a guest room. The walls were white, and the only other furnishings were another bed and a shabby wooden dresser.

Well, this room was devoid of any personality, so I must've been in the home of my (probably dead) good friend, Randolph.

"Good morning," I said casually, gently pushing the harpoon away from my face with the tip of my finger. "Or is it evening? And get that out of my face, please."

"I thought you were in the walnut!" Alex yelled accusingly, as if it was my fault I wasn't in a walnut. Why would I even be in a walnut?

I rolled my eyes. "Can't a mother just want to spend time with his favourite son or daughter? Ever thought of that?"

Alex was, in fact, not my favourite daughter or son, alive or dead, but Alex did not need to know that.

"Quality time? You tried to kill us!" Alex snapped. "And it's son today, mom."

He said Mom like someone would say a very bad swear. Which, considering Alex's extensive vocabulary, tells me a lot about how much he loves me.

"Oh, build a bridge, son! You're already dead!" I snapped back, saying son the same way he said mom. Which was probably not the right thing to do or say in that situation.

Alex lunged at me and none of the others made an attempt to stop him. Thankfully, he wasn't holding his garrotte wire (which I technically gave to him, by the way), or I would have had a very bad case of decapitation.

I dodged....and rolled off the bed.

Yeah, not my best idea.

My bones made another sickening crunch as my body connected with the floor, and I debated whether or not my survival was worth it.

I managed to sit up against the wall. "Wait wait wait!" I put my hands up in surrender, "Just hear me—ouch—out".

"Never!"

"Fine."

Everyone looked at Magnus in surprise, including me who didn't think that'd actually work.

"What?" The dwarf almost dropped his harpoon, "Kid, you can't be serious!"

"Please be serious," I said, "don't be a douche." He could just pretend to want to help before going HA SIKE! And running his sword through me. Even though I knew that would be very un-Magnus-like. He's a healer. He doesn't do stuff like that.

"We should hear him out—"

I grinned. "Thank you, Magnus Chase!" I side-eyed my son, who was scowling at me from the bed, "At least someone wants to listen to me!"

"Shut up," Magnus said, he looked at me for a moment, his stormy grey eyes looking me up and down. "Your ribs are broken," He said finally, "I'll heal you, only if you swear on your troth to not hurt anyone here."

My grin widened, this kid was an idiot, he doesn't know I don't care about stuff like troth. 

I put my hand to my chest, "I swear by my troth that I won't hurt anyone in this room—"

"On this property, Mother" Alex rudely interrupted, "Your tricks won't work here".

If he was doing this to anyone else I would have been almost proud of the fact that he caught on to that.

Magnus smiled at him and—Oh my gods well isn't that interesting. You see dear mortals. That wasn't a friendly smile that was a loving smile. It seems my little snakelet has got himself a boyfriend. Very interesting, I could use that against them both later.

I shoved that thought to the back of my mind.

"I swear by my troth that I won't cause harm to anyone on this property" I amended.

[thessalian]

Thess vs TLOVM S3, Ep 1

I've been so exhausted and fed up this week that I forgot TLOVM was starting today! How remiss of me! So here we go with liveblogging! One episode at least. I may draw this out some.

Oooh. This is new. I mean, I did see the first three minutes or so on YouTube, so it's not a huge surprise, but that level of spycraft is ... at once too well-planned for the "At Dawn, We Plan" Brigade and also just fucking reckless enough for that bunch of yahoos.

Also, pouring one out for Lance Reddick. I knew this was gonna hit different, but ... damn. Is it okay if I say that he's replaced Matt Mercer as my Official Voice of Thordak? 'Cos he totally has, and it's the best memorial I can give him - two of my top villains or at least antagonists (Sylens is still my number one douche-canoe).

Damn. Liam O'Brien vs ... Liam O'Brien. Also, every time I think "Damn, he has range", I kick myself for forgetting his Speak-N-Spell Liam ... thing during that one-shot he did that one time. I mean. Holy shit.

DAAAAAH! I mean, I knew it was coming because I've already seen this bit but DAAAAAAAAAAH!

...Is the mood a bit wrecked when I see Thordak cram his head into a crevice and all I can think is "Themberchaud"?

Now, see, I did not see how he got out of that. Now we are getting into the "What the fuck did you people cook up?!?" territory.

One Day Earlier?!? ASSHOLES! HOW DO YOU HAVE A CLIFFHANGER AT THE START OF AN EPISODE?!?

Fuckmuppets.

...Okay, I knew Raishan sounded familiar. Now, keep in mind that Atlantis: The Last Empire was the last movie I saw before I landed in a psychiatric hospital because of an ongoing nervous breakdown finally hitting crisis point, and never watched it again, so it says a lot about me that I can find the voice of Princess Kida familiar.

...VIOLENT ELF FEMALE VOICE FOR DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS?!? BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, get OFF IMDB, Thess.

Yeah, I knew we were getting the Plate of the Dawnmartyr. We'd have to, given the trailers about the hells.

...Wait. Putting some of the snippets together ... and given that they have to streamline stuff for a series like this ... are they going to combine that trip to the hells for the Plate of the Dawnmartyr with throwing Yenk at Vorugal?!?

(No, I literally don't know; I'm kind of calling it here, though.)

Also ... would you call that spell a series of Silent Images? If so ... cool.

OMG GILMORE.

Grand Poobah de MAYONNAISE?!?

Ah, I missed this side of Pike in the first couple of seasons.

...Not sure if that was the dumbest possible thing Grog could have possibly said, or the only thing that could have broken the tension. ...Porque no los dos?

N'awwwwwww. I mean, I know it's a shame that some of this stuff has to be ... rushed, a little? But they're doing it pretty damn well!

[snipped because character limit]

Okay, get OFF the rage at the narrow-minded bullshittery of reviewers, Thess.

...Oh. Ooooooooh. So instead of having Keyleth cast Foresight on him before that whole thing with Thar Amphala, it's now ... something he gets from the Raven Queen? That makes sense.

Also ... I'm taking it that no one's going to flag up that if Keyleth goes Archdruid, of fucking course she's going to outlive the entire rest of the party! Chill, Vax!

You guys are DORKS.

"Well, one can certainly--" WHO WROTE THIS?!?

.........Sam Riegel was one of them. Because of fucking course he was. You are not a gnome, Sam, nor are you specifically a goblin. What you are is a troll.

.........Aaaaaaand Travis Willingham is the other. I wonder if he wrote any of the Vex/Percy stuff, given he was always the captain of the good ship Perc'halia.

...Trinket, really?!?

Okay, that was Matt, doing a little Sun-Tree whisper. Not "Sun Tree; A-okay!", but I'll take it.

...I feel a Leverage "explaining how Vax got out of that mess" moment coming on. Also ... it's nice to see Gilmore do the charm without quite the innuendo.

On the list of "Things To Never Say Before A Mission", Grog? "What could possibly go wrong?" is right at the top, so shut up.

...Okay, not quite what I was thinking, but ... oh gods, Gilmore, you adorable glorious narcissist! (Okay, part-time narcissist.)

Yeaaaaaah, see, I would have asked Gilmore for a Scroll of Dimension Door, personally. Or maybe Clairvoyance? Anyway, this is more exciting.

Yeah. No. So glad Lance Reddick got this done before he passed. I have chills. May you live as long as your name is spoken, sir.

...I ... literally can't praise Reddick enough. Holy shit.

Ooooooooooh. Marquet is so pretty!

...Given that "high noon" is not usually that much of a D&D phrase, and thinking of who Matt Mercer voice-acts with a ... certain phrase? I'mma say that's Sam being a troll again.

Oh, that's a great way to get Ripley back into it. ...Wait, does this mean she already has Cabal's Ruin? .........Wait, does this mean she kept Cabal's Ruin from Umbrasyl?!?

So ... gunshots. And ... Percy's the only one in evidence with a weapon of that type. And ... they just ran in. Hey, Percy, remember when you used Bad News' scope as a telescope? And when Pike followed Vax with Clairvoyance? WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT?!?

No no no Percy DON'T HAVE THE GUN OUT WHEN--

She does have Cabal's Ruin.

Also ... oh FUCK.

...So it's not Percy's turn to have the brain cell today. Okay.

And, I mean, it's almost never Grog's turn to have the brain cell. He is very generous with the brain cell.

STOP DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU HAVE THE KIND OF WEAPON THAT KILLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE, PERCY! I DON'T REMEMBER INT BEING YOUR DUMP STAT!!!!!

...Okay, so INT is Percy's dump stat just for today, then.

...Wait. Who does have Vox Machina's collective brain cell today? Please tell me it's not Scanlan.

Percy would you--?!? Ooooooh fuck.

Oh. Okay. Cabal's Ruin in action is the coolest fucking thing...

Also I don't remember their trip to Marquet being this--

Hi, Matt!

"Does ... she ... spice?" "...Dude." Good one, Scanlan.

I do love the banter between these two--

Ooooh. As a televisual reveal of Orthax and Ripley's whole deal, that is next level awesome.

Oh. Oh. Oh so are we ... not having the fight on the tit-crevasses? We're doing this right here?

"In Memoriam - Lance Reddick" ...Yep.

But at the same time ... I DO NOT HAVE ROOM FOR SAD; FIRST YOU GAVE ME YIKES AND THEN GAVE ME A CLIFFHANGER SO GO FUCK YOURSELF.

(Not you, Mr Reddick; rest in power, and on your laurels because you were badass.)

Okay, so who the fuck is voicing Anna Ripley?

Kelly who? (Kelly Hu, that's who, but-- Sorry; I'll see myself out.)

Lady Deathstrike?!? VISAS MARR?!? Okay that's awesome.

I'm sorry, but Scanlan jazzy flight singing is not what I need right now. Though I guess it kind of drives home the "We are cliffhanging you right here; cope".

Right. I could watch another episode, but ... no. No, I have to work tomorrow and that means I need to wind down, and--

Wait. Did they say Draconia?!? Did Orion Acaba let them use that?!? Oh, I don't even want to think about that level of negotiation, after everything.

[asexxxualerotica]

NOT ONLY DID ANON ASSUME GENDER, BUT ANON ASSUMED RACE AS WELL!?

Wow... what a douche.

I can only assume it’s because Jaerik is my pfp and banner right now. I can only assume they also think I have long elf ears, an enormous e-cup rack, and a propensity for getting caught by orcs when my teammates decide to use me as a distraction on infiltration missions lol

[thisbelongsto-nohbodys]

My Reaction to the final season of “Summer Camp Island” in 3 gifs and 1 image

So glad that this show was able to end properly after it was removed by that dirty douche nozzle Zaslav, If we didn’t get an ending and was left on the unanswered resolution setup in S5 then you’d have to get the Swear Patrol elf on me from yelling at Zaslav:

[scjacka]

Last episode. Let's all make our Christmas wish this year that it doesn’t come back

I don't even really remember how the stupid thing started (I may have been drinking to get through it XD). This is going to be disjointed because I rage paused a lot and I WILL NOT be rewatching any of this to get it correct. This show doesn't care about my time so I'm not wasting any more of it by rewatching, lol.

Kris is completely useless. Like there was zero point to him being in this season at all. I was also of the mindset that he was going to be a bigger role and maybe take over for Scott but he was completely pointless. I JUST REMEMBERED HE WAS THE KID THAT SAW SKINNY SCOTT WITH THE CANOE AND THAT WAS HIS SANTA ORIGIN STORY OR WHATEVER AND I STARTED YELLING AT THE REVISIONIST HISTORY AND MY HUSBAND WAS LIKE, ARE YOU OK?! AND I WAS LIKE DO I LOOK OK?!!?!

I may be wrong, but is this the first time we've actually seen the factory floor in this whole damn show? Like we're always in Scott's office, the stables, the real world, or the monitoring room. Have they even made any toys in these TWO SEASONS?! Maybe they have and

I liked the Betty/Olga fight (but like why a fake sword?) but the way it was cut back and forth with the Mad Santa/Scott discussion was annoying

The gnomes are just pissed cause they can't make toys... that's like all it took? Feel like we shoulda figured that out sooner. Same goes for Noel just being like, hey gnomes, just come help us.

The mug is the "amulet". Ok, sure. I didn't pause the show in anger about it. Like, not only did we rewrite and destroy the magic-powered watch from 2 earlier this season now we re-wrote the mug. None of this is helped by them bringing up the damn thing 2 episodes before the end like we knew anything about it and it wasn't just shoved in at the last minute. Does each Santa have a different "amulet" (for god sake just call it a talisman or something not associated with a necklace) or do they all get their power from the same ones? Did Judy technically drug him into being Santa then. Like got him drunk on Christmas power? If it's tied just to Mad Santa then why on earth would Judy still have it if there was a coup and all that shit to get rid of the man? Wouldn't it also be locked away somewhere?

Didn't Scott say he made Cal's vest out of the coat? Maybe I misinterpreted that in the early episodes but now he's just wearing it like no big.

Laughing really hard at Scott not realizing he's been a douche until the "villain" says he is with regards to Cal. MS should just be Santa and Scott can go live at the fake Santa village with Fluffy.

Laughing really hard at suddenly remembering Charlie exists and pretending like you get some kind of Christmas powers from him.

Sandra is all-powerful. Good for her I guess.

I still love Befana. Like she's the only character I consistently enjoy watching

Elizabeth Mitchel is too good for this show and is acting much harder than she should with this garbage.

"We fixed EB he's good now but we didn't have the budget to bring back Tracy Morgan or he didn't want to be in the makeup again or something so we're just not gonna show him, but take our word he's fine!"

Why are they singing again and especially that song? Something about a child elf and the lyrics "I touch you once, I touch you twice" is unsettling to me.

Cal's gonna go to college... wouldn't he have to like, go to real school first and have transcripts and whatnot (I'm sure they'd magic it away or whatever). Also, he's not that bright so like, how's he gonna fair in higher education?

Everyone that goes on Kribble Krabble doesn't come back. I swear to god that's the plot of one of the few Hallmark xmas movies I've ever watched. But I guess that means Curtis isn't exploded. With the logic that they all Kribble and don't come back, I'm convinced that was actually Judy working in the bad xmas village which is just a sad development for her and really a downgrade from being at the Pole

So we basically end this season right where we started at the beginning of season 1. Like, Cal's not gonna be Santa and Scott's just gonna be Santa forever and never retire. Mad Santa is there now too I guess (also, there are werewolves in TSC canon... ok, sure). He's with Fluffy in the fake Santaville I guess, but whatevs

I forgot until I realized I took a picture of it, the line from Carol about leaving her job and her life behind and not complaining about it. Like on the one hand yes, please go off queen cause you deserve so much better. But also, you've kinda been complaining about it since the 3rd movie.

Oh right, Tim Allen got to mention Jesus one last time just to make sure it got in there. I literally had to turn on the closed caption cause I was like, did he just say "The King" and sure enough he did, capital K and everything. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS ALLEN!! Like pick silly fantasy Santa show or pick something religious. IDK it irks me so much

I feel like I had more to ramble about but I'm tired just from having to remember all of this from last night, lol. Just needed to get this junk outta my head. Honestly, very glad Jack wasn't in here to be slandered by this show. Same for the Millers. Same for Bernard again (besides in name and that dumb picture that still makes me mad) and Charlie again.

[euroadventure]

Liepnitzsee - Stolzhagen 🚴‍♀️ 79km

Zaterdag 19 april

De tweede dag van mijn fietsavontuur begon bij de Liepnitzsee. Oorspronkelijk had ik het plan om vroeg te vertrekken, maar dat liep iets anders. Het had 's nachts flink geregend en alles was behoorlijk nat. Ik wilde mijn spullen toch graag enigszins droog inpakken, dus besloot ik wat langer te wachten.

Het bleef bewolkt, maar de temperatuur was prima om te fietsen. Uiteindelijk stapte ik pas rond half elf op de fiets. Dat kwam deels doordat ik nog een latte macchiato dronk bij de receptie en daar een praatje maakte, even rustig opstarten, zeg maar 😉. Maar goed, daarna begon het avontuur echt.

De eerste kilometers van de dag voeren me dwars door het bos. Het is direct weer prachtig. Ondanks de bewolking spatten de kleuren van het landschap ervan af – alles staat volop in bloei en de natuur lijkt haast te stralen.

Echt tof om doorheen te fietsen.

Na een tijdje kom ik uit op een open, zanderige vlakte, opnieuw omringd door bos. Het is een pittig stuk om te fietsen; het mulle zand vraagt flink wat kracht en het tempo ligt daardoor een stuk lager. Maar de omgeving maakt alles goed.

Via een aantal mooie routes, vaak langs het water, kom ik uiteindelijk in het plaatsje Eberwalde terecht. Hier ontdek ik een Lidl en scoor ik mijn eerste pretzel van de reis – altijd een kleine traktatie als ik in Duitsland ben. Na deze korte stop stap ik weer op.

Helaas begint het dan wat harder te regenen, dus gaat de regenbroek aan. Gelukkig is het slechts van korte duur; een half uurtje later kan ik hem alweer uittrekken.

Even later passeer ik het kasteel van Chorin, een imposant gebouw!

Het wordt vandaag een dag van af en aan regen, maar ook van prachtige uitzichten en leuke ontmoetingen met dieren, locals en andere fietsers.

Zo kom ik onderweg ineens oog in oog te staan met een vos. Hij loopt vlak langs het fietspad, in een natuurgebiedje. Ik weet een paar mooie foto's te maken – een bijzonder moment tijdens deze rit.

Niet lang daarna klim ik omhoog naar de kleine Rümmelsberg. Vanaf het uitzichtpunt boven heb ik een mooi panorama uutzicht over de glooiende heuvels, echt de moeite waard.

De route stuurt me verder langs de Parsteiner See. Ik had gehoopt op een mooi uitzicht over het meer, maar dat valt wat tegen. In een poging een beter zicht te krijgen, maak ik een omweg. Die keert zich een beetje tegen me: het begint steeds harder te regenen en de weg bestaat uit grind en grote stenen, wat het fietsen zwaar maakt.

Zo nu en dan is er gelukkig een mooi, goed fietspad, maar door de aanhoudende regen daalt mijn moraal toch wel een beetje.

Uiteindelijk kom ik, nat en moe, aan op de camping in Stolzenhagen. Het is een kleine, basic plek met vooral veel campers. Toch zijn er ook drie andere fietsers, waaronder een Duits stel en een vrouw genaamd Francesca. Ze komt oorspronkelijk uit Italië, maar woont al vijftien jaar in Duitsland en werkt daar. Vanaf het eerste moment raken we aan de praat. Ze woont in Dresden en fietst op dit moment langs de Oder naar het noorden. Ze vertelt dat het pad langs de rivier behoorlijk vlak is, goed nieuws 😃, want ook mijn route volgt morgen grotendeels de Oder.

Na het opzetten van mijn tent, het uitpakken en wat eten, neem ik een warme douche. Francesca maakt nog een korte wandeling door het dorp, terwijl ik wat foto's bekijk en even een serie op Netflix aanzet. Als ze terugkomt, kletsen we nog wat verder tot de vermoeidheid toeslaat. Tijd om te slapen – het was een flinke rit vandaag, met zo’n 78 kilometer op de teller.

Morgen weer een nieuwe etappe.