#eldritch iplier

[astrumnihilum-art]

"..What happened to my camera?"

MR IPLIER WATCH OUT THERES AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE ELDRITCH BEING BEHIND YOU SIR MARK NOOOO

[wouldntyou-liketoknow]

Incorrect Quotes: ISWM (Parts 1 and 2) Edition

Engineer Mark: *speaking into a walkie-talkie* Engine to Cap, Engine to Cap! Testing! Testing!

Engineer Mark: Testing, testing, testing, testing, testing, testing, testing!

Engineer Mark: TESTING! AAAAUUUUGGH! TEST, TEST! DO YOU READ?!

Captain: *smiling* Cap to Engine, I read you loud and clear

___

Celci: So, what, now we’re just supposed to do anything that the Captain does? I mean, what if they jumped off a cliff? Engineer Mark: If the Captain were to jump off a cliff, they would’ve done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see the Captain jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. Celci: You jump off a cliff! Engineer Mark: Gladly. Provided the Captain does first.

___

Wug: So, Friend Gunther challenged Wug to a sparring match. Wug agreed, because Wug was curious about human combat. Things went pretty good at first, but then Friend Mark walked in looking for something, and. . .Wug accidentally punched him in the face.

Wug: And while Wug was trying to help Friend Mark up, Wug couldn’t decide whether to say, “WUG’S SO FUCKING SORRY, HUMAN!” Or “HUMAN, ARE YOU OKAY?”

Wug: So. . .Wug just panicked and yelled, “ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY, HUMAN?!”

___

Engineer Mark: It’s a white flag, Mack. And you might as well start waving it—

Mack: THE ONLY THING I WILL BE WAVING IS YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD ON A STICK IN FRONT OF YOUR WEEPING MOTHER!

___

Gunther: Whoa, careful there, buddy. You’re making this whole fight-to-the-death thing a little homoerotic. . .

Gunther: Then again, that might just be me. This happens so often it’s hard to tell

___

Engineer Mark: Hey, wanna bang?

Engineer Mark: HANG! I meant hang! Damn autocorrect. . .

Captain: . . .Mark, this is a verbal conversation

___

Captain: We all learn from our mistakes 

Celci: Then Mark should be a genius by now. . .

___

Engineer Mark, Celci, Gunther, and Mack: *arguing very loudly and very aggressively. No one can tell what they’re even fighting over, least of all any of them*

Burt: *stares at them, expression completely blank. His eyes twitch, one after the other*

Burt: *takes a deep breath, then slams his arm on the table everyone is sitting at* WE ARE IN A GODDAMN IHOP! ACT LIKE IT!!!

___

Celci: Mack isn’t exactly a team player

Captain: What do you mean?

Celci: Just earlier, he told me that I was the only other person on this ship with any functioning braincells. Then he asked me to “come lead a magnificent revolution” with him because “we could take over command of the Invincible II, and eventually the universe at large.”

Captain: . . .Oh. Well, what did you say to that?

Celci: I accepted, of course. Which reminds me that I should be going—

___

Allu: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Engineer Mark: Thank you

Allu: That’s. . .not a good thing—

Engineer Mark: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny

___

Engineer Mark: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is gonna be fine!

Captain: How can you still say that?!

Engineer Mark: Because sometimes, when things get tough, D E N I A L is all we have.

___

Wug: Wug doesn’t think Wug can be on the same ship as the human who ruined Wug’s life

Captain: *on their knees, sobbing* FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I’M SORRY, I DON’T KNOW WHY I DIDN’T WANT THE DONUTS, PLEASE FORGIVE ME—

___

Mack: Finally! With control over the Invincible II, the ultimate power is mine!

Mack: PERFECT TAX EVASION

___

Captain: Gunther, we’ve been over this. Violence isn’t the answer.

Gunther: Y’know what, Cap? You’re right. . .

Captain: *sighs in relief* Thank you.

Gunther: Violence is the QUESTION. 

Captain: Wait, what?

Gunther: *now running away* AND THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES!

Captain: GUNTHER NO—!

___

Mack: It would be nice to change the world, y’know?

Captain: For the better?

Mack: . . .

Captain: Mack, please answer me

___

Wug: YOU HEAR WUG, YOU BASTARD?! WUG’LL CUT OFF YOUR NUTSACK AND NAIL IT TO WUG’S DOOR! LIKE ONE OF THOSE. . .LION DOOR-KNOCKERS RICH FOLKS GOT! THAT WILL BE YOUR BALLS!

___

Gunther: *drunk as hell* H-HEY GUYS, LET’S PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE!

Celci: DID YOU DRINK THAT ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WHISKEY?!

Gunther: OKAY, I’LL GO FIRST—

___

Engineer Mark: *high off his tits on spacedust* Drink water, get plenty of sleep, go mad in space, talk to the dead, take your meds, don’t talk to cops.

___

Captain: So, did everyone learn their lesson?

Engineer Mark: No.

Wug: Wug did not

Burt: I may have actually forgotten one.

Gunther: Also no.

Captain: Oh, good, neither did I.

Allu: *exhausted sigh*

___

Captain: Well, you know what they say—when life gives you lemons. . .

Engineer Mark: Put them in a facemask 

Celci: Use them as a battery

Gunther: Throw them at people

Mack: Squirt the juice into life’s eyes. Steal life’s wallet and assume its identity. Now you ARE life. You hold dominion over all. Your enemies cower at your feet.

Captain: . . .make lemonade. The answer was to make lemonade, guys.

___

Bandit: Wug was banned from the intergalactic chicken shack, so we had to go into the wormhole to get some.

Wug: Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it!

Bandit: Wug, you ate a chair. . .

___

Engineer Mark: I hate when people say “Are you even listening to me?”

Engineer Mark: That’s such a weird way to start a conversation.

___

[At Chef Rexx’s restaurant]

Burt: *walks up to the counter* Do you serve coffee here?

Cashier Rexx: *nods* Sure do.

Burt: Okay. Can I get a venti vanilla latte with. . .uhhhh. . .

Burt: . . .seven shots of espresso?

Cashier Rexx: *blinks* Jesus Christ, just do cocaine—!

___

Mack: You know what else is not stealing? Putting an extra bike lock on a stranger’s bike.

Mack: It’s insane that bike locks are legal. You have any idea the amount of power that you wield. . .with your imagination and a bike lock? There are so many things—like, you could just walk past a Baskin Robins and be like “You’re closed!”

___

Engineer Mark: Hey, did you know that “thot” means “thoughtful person?”

Allu: Really? I didn’t know this Earth slang

[Later, on the Invincible II]

Allu: Thanks so much for giving me a tour of your ship, Captain. You’re such a thot.

Captain: *wheezing* I’m a WHAT—

___

Engineer Mark: Do you ever get a feeling where you look at someone and your heart skips a beat?

Burt: That’s called arrhythmia.

Engineer Mark: *not really paying attention* I get that feeling every time I look at the Captain—

Burt: *starts dragging Engineer Mark to MedBay* It’s a serious condition that you can die from

___

Captain: Life gets so much better when you accept yourself for the weird little bitch that you are.

___

Mack: The Captain made me care about stupid things.

Engineer Mark: Like what?

Mack: Friends. Humanity. My mental health.

Captain: Don’t forget the morals!

Mack: *lets out a long-suffering sigh* And morals.

___

Bandit: The path to peace begins with four simple words.

Bandit: Not. My. Fucking. Problem.

___

Engineer Mark: Allu didn’t know that “cowboy” is a word, so, they called them “horse-pirates” and I’ve been laughing about it for an hour.

___

Captain: *guiding the Invincible II crew on an expedition around the new planet*

Tyler: Psst. Hey, Gunther. I missed something. Can I see your notes?

Gunther: Sure thing. Here ya go.

Tyler: Thanks.

Tyler: *looks at the notebook*

Tyler: . . .This is the Hamburglar being torn apart by bears. . .

Gunther: I’m thinking of doing a graphic novel so I can shop it around to Hollywood studios.

Tyler: The Hamburglar being torn apart by bears, Gunther.

Gunther: Yeah, I’m not really sure what you were expecting from my notes.

___

Engineer Mark: I almost drowned in the sink.

Celci: I’m sorry, what?

Mack: Imagine that headline. “Head Engineer of Invincible II Drowns in Sink.”

Burt: How do you even drown in a sink?

Engineer Mark: Well, I filled the sink and put my face in it. And then my head got stuck under the faucet.

Captain: Mark, what the actual fuck—

___

Gunther: Why the fuck do I NEED to come out?! If you really think I’M straight, then that’s on you!

___

Engineer Mark: FOUR MONTHS!

Captain: What’s with him?

Mack: *suppressing his giggles* It’s nothing, really—

Engineer Mark: THAT’S HOW LONG YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT!

___

Engineer Mark: *pointing* Is this seat taken?

Captain: . . .That’s my lap.

Engineer Mark: With all due respect, that doesn’t answer my question, Captain.

___

Mack: *dripping with sarcasm* Oh, I’m sorry! Why don’t we just relax and turn on the radio? Would you like AHM or FHMMMMMMMM?!

___

Bandit: *slightly raising her voice to be heard down the aisle* What chip brand do you want?

Wug: *yelling back at full volume* WUG’S ALWAYS A SLUT FOR COOL RANCH DORITOS

___

Engineer Mark: Can we agree to not tell anyone about this?

Bandit: This isn’t even the most disappointing thing I know about you so far

___

Captain: I just want someone to take me out.

Burt: . . .Like, on a date or with a sniper?

Captain: *thinking of Mark and Mack* I’m open to surprises.

___

Allu: It’s kind of hot out to be wearing all black.

Captain: *obviously uncomfortable* I look awesome

Allu: *genuinely concerned* You look pallid and sick.

Captain: *sweating profusely* Yeah, sick as fuck—

___

Mack: Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’ll be a mile away from them and will also have their shoes. And they probably won’t be able to do anything about it.

___

Allu: Hey, Captain? Can you please give me some. . .dating advice?

Captain: Look, just because I’m in a relationship with several members of my crew doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

___

Bandit: Alright, Wug, Today was a good day, but now it’s time for some shuteye.

Wug: *holding up an adorable, fluffy plushie* Mr. Snuffles says Wug can stay up as long as Wug wants, and that Friend Bandit needs to die!

Bandit: *staring at the plushie* . . .What the heck, Mr. Snuffles?

___

Ms. Whitacare: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Engineer Mark: Have everyone stand.

Burt: Bring in three more chairs.

Mack: Choose the best seven and let them sit down.

Gunther: Kill three.

___

Engineer Mark: Y’know, sometimes I don’t think you take me seriously.

Bandit: Really? There are times you think I do?

___

Celci: Hey, toss me my keys.

Engineer Mark: *chucks a printer at Celci*

Celci: I said keys!

Engineer Mark: I thought you said printer.

Celci: Why the FUCK would I say PRINTER?

___

Captain: I come from a long line of people who had something wrong with them.

___

Gunther: It’s got everything I like! Gratuitous violence. . .

Gunther: . . .

Captain: Oh, I thought you were listing things.

Gunther: I was. I’m done now.

___

Allu: Where’s your Head Engineer?

Captain: Oh, Mark? He’s just doing stuff.

Allu: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s your Cryogenics Officer?

Captain: Trying to stop Mark from doing the stuff.

Allu: And your ADS Officer?

Captain: Trying to stop Celci from stopping Mark from doing the stuff.

Allu: I see. And what are you doing here, Captain?

Captain: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Gunther from stopping Celci from stopping Mark form doing the stuff.

___

Engineer Mark: Dude, I just read an article that said swearing can make you live longer.

Gunther: I! SHALL BE! IMORTAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!

___

Mack: Hello? Engineer Mark: Hey, what’s up? Mack: I need your help. Can you come here? Engineer Mark: Eh, I can’t, I’m buying clothes. Mack: Alright, well, hurry up and get over here Engineer Mark: I can’t find ‘em. Mack: . . .Whaddaya mean you can’t find ‘em? Engineer Mark: I can’t find ‘em, there’s only soup. Mack: Whadaya mean there’s only soup? Engineer: It means there’s only soup! Mack: Well then, get OUT of the SOUP AISEL! Engineer Mark: ALRIGHT, you don’t have to SHOUT AT ME! […] Engineer Mark: There’s more soup! Mack: Whaddaya mean there’s more soup?! Engineer Mark: There’s just more soup! Mack: Go into the next aisle! […] Engineer Mark: There’s still soup! Mack: Where are you right now?! Engineer Mark: I’m at soup! Mack: WHADDAYA MEAN YOU’RE “AT SOUP?” Engineer Mark: I MEAN I’M AT SOUP! Mack: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?! Engineer Mark: I’M AT THE SOUP STORE!! Mack: WHY’RE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!?!?!? Engineer Mark: FUCK YOU!!!!

___

Allu: No, I’m not tired of being nice. Yes, I still wanna go apeshit. These things can coexist, stop asking me.

Allu: I wanna go apeshit, but like, in a kind and respectful way.

___

Burt: Now, guys, stop arguing or we’ll turn this ship around!

Captain: *grabbing the controls* SHUT UP OR I’LL STEER THIS SHIP INTO A FUCKING ASTEROID FIELD

Engineer Mark and Mack: *screaming*

___

Captain: Hey, what time is it?

Engineer Mark: *shrugs* I don’t know. Hand me my trumpet.

Captain: *raises an eyebrow, then takes Mark’s childhood trumpet out of his closet and gives it to him*

Engineer Mark: Thank you. *starts playing the trumpet very loudly and very poorly*

Celci: *yelling from across the ship* WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING A TRUMPET AT FOUR IN THE MORNING?!?!?

Engineer Mark: It’s four in the morning.

___

Gunther: So far this year, I have realized that I am—1. Out of control, and 2. Even bi-er than I thought I was.

___

Engineer Mark: Am I in trouble?

Celci: Take a guess.

Engineer Mark: . . .No?

Celci: Take another guess

___

Captain: *completely deadpan* Stop forgiving my crimes. I worked hard on those.

___

Engineer Mark: He’s touching me!

Mack: *pointing at Mark, holding his finger exactly one inch from Mark’s shoulder* I am not.

Engineer Mark: AH! You’re touching me!

Mack: *in a sing-song voice* Not touching~

Engineer Mark: TOUCHING. ME.

Mack: *rolls his eyes* It’s free air.

Engineer Mark: *grabs Mack’s hand and bites him*

Mack: *shrieking bloody murder* HE BIT ME! CAPTAIN, MARK’S BITING ME!

Captain: *not looking up from their work* Knock it off, you two. I’m busy.

Engineer Mark: HE STARTED IT

Captain: I don’t care who started it, I’LL FINISH IT.

___

Celci: Are you familiar with the gearshift?

Engineer Mark: You mean the prindle?

Celci: . . .The what?

Engineer Mark: The prindle!

Celci: For God’s sake—are you referring to the lever that say P-R-N-D-L?

Engineer Mark: I’m not a kid, Celci! I know how to spell prindle!

___

Celci: Some people just need a high-five.

Celci: . . .in the face. . .

Celci: . . .with a chair. . .

___

Engineer Mark: *carrying several supplies, obviously struggling*

Captain: *holds out their hands to help*

Engineer Mark: *aggressively moves all the supplies to one hand in order to hold hands with The Captain*

___

Engineer Mark: Why can’t you just see things from my perspective?!

Celci: *kneels down*

Mack: *sits on the floor*

Burt: *curls up into a ball*

Engineer Mark: Okay, listen here, you little shits—

___

Celci: Get out of my quarters, Mark.

Engineer Mark: *standing exactly one inch from the doorway* But I’m not even in your quarters.

Celci: I don’t care, get out of my quarters!

Engineer Mark: But I’m not IN your quarters!

Celci: Well you’re bothering me so GET OUT!

Engineer Mark: I’m just minding my own business!

Celci: Yeah, in MY quarters! Captain, Mark is in my quarters!

Captain: Mark, please head to your own quarters. 

Engineer Mark: I’M NOT EVEN IN HER FUCKING QUARTERS!

___

Gunther: Quick, I need $10,000 because I have ADHD and am bisexual

___

Burt: *takes a long, deep breath*

Burt: *whispers* “yup” as quietly as humanly possible*

___

Wug: Wug thinks Friend Mx. Allu might be mad at you and Friend Captain.

Engineer Mark: What makes you say that?

Wug: *typing on his communicator* Friend Mx. Allu seemed really busy when Wug went to report to them, and they asked Wug to relay a message to Friend Mark.

Engineer Mark: *leans forward to listen to the hologram recording*

Allu: *on the hologram* Greetings, Human. I hope this message finds you before I do. . .

___

Mack: My two reasons for doing things—1. Spite, and 2. The aesthetic. That’s it.

Mack: . . .Okay, I lied—3. Attention

___

Engineer Mark: They say lions throw their cubs off ravines and only raise the ones strong enough to climb back up. Well, firstly, that’s not true and completely irrelevant to the story, but it makes for a cool opening!

___

Bandit: I lost Wug for an entire weekend at the mall once.

Bandit: He was living in a boba shop. He was so happy there. . .

___

[The Captain is introducing the crew to Allu Minum]

Captain: This is Burt, short for Burton.

Captain: This is Celci, short for Celcionna.

Captain: This is Mack, short for Mackenzie.

Captain: And this is Mark. He’s just short.

Engineer Mark: *internally screaming*

Everyone Else: *struggling to contain their laughter*

___

Gunther: I did a little bit of spying on the Captain. Do you want me to spill the beans?

Burt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They’re one of nature’s most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.

___

Captain: Sometimes I just wanna yeet myself out of the ship and taste some of that delicious, scrumptious space air

Engineer Mark: As I can recall, there is no space air?

Captain: Exactly

___

Engineer Mark: WHY AREN’T THERE ADULT-SIZED PLAYGROUNDS?!

Engineer Mark: Like, everything is the same as a kid’s playground, but bigger! Why don’t we have those?!

Burt: We do. They’re called theme parks.

Engineer Mark: But you have to PAY for theme parks!

Burt: That’s the adult part.

___

Engineer Mark: Do you think we went overboard with the party decorations?

Gunther: Nah, it’s cool

Celci: THE SHIP IS ON FIRE

Burt: Aesthetic

___

Engineer Mark: Hey, Mack? Where’s the Captain?

Mack: The Captain’s fine. . . *starts laughing maniacally*

Mack: Sorry, I just thought of something funny. *points at The Captain* They’re right here.

___

[Engineer Mark and Gunther are practice-sparring]

Gunter: *pulls yet another gun seemingly out of nowhere* Check this out, Markimoo!

Engineer Mark: GUNTHER!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? YOU THINK YOU CAN HURT ME WITH THAT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, GUNTHER? SHOOT ME?

[30 minutes later]

Celci, to Engineer Mark as his gunshot wounds are getting treated in MedBay: I’m really not sure what you were expecting to happen there.

___

Burt: Captain, what are you doing?

Captain: I’m confronting the person who ruined my life.

Burt: . . .

Burt: You’re yelling at a mirror, Captain. . .

___

Engineer Mark: Yes, I know you reassured me literally one hour ago, but I need reassurance once again.

___

[A typical conversation about The Captain]

Mack: —HOT! HOW ARE THEY SO FUCKING HOT?! AND RESPECTFUUUUUULLL?!?!?

Engineer Mark: *quietly snickering* Oh my God. . .

Mack: THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.

___

Gunther: Captain, facts are like stars

Burt: Always in the sky, but you can’t always see them

Gunther: No, they’re like shining holes in the dark light of my ignorance. AND I DON’T LIKE ‘EM!

___

Captain: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Gunther: My life is a little too much fallout and not enough boy.

Celci: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

Burt: My life is a little too much imagination and not enough dragons

___

Wug: What’s the meaning of human life?

Captain: Mark.

Wug: Aww! Because Friend Mark is always by Friend Captain’s side?

Captain: No. Because life is short.

Wug: *bursts out laughing*

Engineer Mark, from the other room: I HEARD THAT

___

Engineer Mark: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don’t give a fuck about anybody.

Celci and/or The Bandit: Look, if you decide to have a problem after midnight, that’s between you and God.

Captain: . . .

Burt: How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

___

Engineer Mark: Allu won’t trace it back to us, don’t worry

Captain: Are you for real? They trace everything back to us! They’ve traced things we haven’t even done back to us!

___

Engineer Mark: This ship is an “uwu” free zone

Celci: For once, I agree with you, Mark. And anyone who goes “uwu” or “OwO” in response shall be imprisoned for their crimes against humanity

Mack: cwimes agwainst huwmanwity ^w^

Engineer Mark: *starting to tremble, tears now running down his face* I-I am going t-to break your fucking fingers. . !

Burt: bwoken bwones awe tempowawy. Bwut twauma-indwuced nightmwares can wast as wong as a wifetime uwu

Celci: *grits her teeth, trying to keep a pokerface* I won’t hesitate to kill you, bitches!

Captain: *begins crawling around on the ceiling* this mowtwal vessel is ownwy a shwell contwaining howwors the univwerse has newer sween OwO

Engineer Mark and Celci: *holding each other and screaming in absolute terror*

___

Gunther: *pulls a cigar out of his jacket*

Celci: *gives Gunther a disapproving look*

Gunther: *shrugs as he lights the cigar* I just like the feeling of something in my lungs.

Celci: . . .

Gunther: . . .

Celci: Have you tried breathing—

___

Captain: *being interviewed after going through a certain timeline* Am I intimidated by Mack? No. He can be a bit crazy at times, but—

Engineer Mark: *pokes his head through the door of The Captain’s quarters* Mack requested a meeting with you

Captain: *scrambling under their desk* oH SHIT—

___

Mack: Captain, you ignorant slut—

___

Celci: Whatever you’re thinking right now, stop.

Engineer Mark: What?

Celci: You always make that face when you’re about to say something stupid to piss me off. So do yourself a favor and cut it out alrea—

Engineer Mark: I wanted to apologize for all the animosity between us. I shouldn’t just resort to insulting you when you bring up ideas that are different than mine. I haven’t been respecting you like a good crew member should, so I can’t expect you to respect me, either. 

Celci: . . .

Engineer Mark: . . .

Celci: Mark, I—

Engineer Mark: Also, cereal qualifies as a soup

Celci: I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!

___

Celci: The Captain’s cryopod has been malfunctioning; they won’t be able to enter or stay in hibernation because of it. We can’t take off until it’s repaired.

Burt: So, what you’re proposing is that whomever helps the Captain stay asleep wins some kind of prize?

Celci: That’s not at all what I—

Mack: *bursts into the room, holding a cast iron frying pan* Where are they?

___

Captain: *on their communicator* Bandit! We need your help! I—

Bandit: *having been just woken up* Nuh-uh, Cap. Is your ship on fire?

Captain: . . .Well, no—

Bandit: Then it’s not a real emergency. *hangs up and goes back to sleep*

Celci: What did she say? She’s an expert on wormholes, isn’t she? Did she know what to do about a portal to some new dimension opening up in the commons room?

Captain: Apparently, this isn’t a real emergency.

Engineer Mark: *being strangled by some horrific alien creature* HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT A REAL EMERGENCY?!

___

Burt: Captain, you know Mark will never agree to this plan.

Captain: Sure he will

Celci: I’ve already asked him three times. His response was to blow raspberries and flip me off.

Captain: Well then, let me try

Captain: *walks into the next room, approaching Mark* Hey, Mark! Could you—

Engineer Mark: Y e s .

___

Burt: Change is inedible. Celci: Don't you mean inevitable? Burt: *spitting out coins* No, I did not.

___

Captain: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Bandit: Only if you also don't ask why Bandit: *pulls seven pristine human skulls out of her coat* Take your pick. Captain: . . . Bandit: . . . Captain: This one is fine

___

Captain: Gunther, I said you could bring one other crew member to this meeting. ONE.

Gunther: They’re good pals. They work well together.

Mack: *trying to strangle Engineer Mark in the background* WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY ABOUT PEEPACHU?!?! SAY IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW!!!! I DARE YOU!!!!!!!!

Captain: . . .

Gunther: . . .I mean, they’re entertaining, aren’t they?

___

Captain: Mark and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other’s— Engineer Mark: Sentences? Captain: Don't interrupt me.

___

Mack: Hey, Captain! Trick or Yeet?

Captain: *confused and not really paying attention* “Yeet?”

Mack: Yeet it is!

Mack: *tosses The Captain into the dungeon*

___

Gunther: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you Captain: 10 times 0 is still 0 though Gunther: Jokes on you, I can't do math

___

Captain: Mark, you need to apologize to Celci

Engineer Mark: *rolling his eyes* Fffffffiiiine!

Engineer Mark: *with strained politeness towards Celci* “Unfuck you,” or whatever

___

Wug: If Theoretical Human had to choose between Hideous Human and all the money Wug has in Wug’s wallet, which would Theoretical Human take? Mack: That depends, how much money are we talking about? Engineer Mark: Mack. . ! Wug: 63 cents. Mack: I'll take the money. Engineer Mark: MACK!!!

___

Captain: *to the Invincible II crew* Alright, listen up, you little shits!

Captain: *to Wug and The Bandit* Not you two. You’re angels and we’re glad to have you here

___

Engineer Mark: What did Vincent say when he lost his car in the parking lot?

Engineer Mark: “Where did my Van Gogh?”

Celci: *rolling her eyes* The correct pronunciation of “Gogh” is “goff,” you uncultured swine.

Engineer Mark: *gives Celci double birds* Well then, fuck Gogh.

Mack: *just passing through* Actually, both of you are wrong. Vincent Van Gogh was Dutch. His name is actually pronounced “Van KHOCK,” so, suck my Gogh.

___

Gunther: If I don’t pay up I’ll go to jail for tax evasion! I’m insane enough to take on drones and aliens. . .but the IRS? NOOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOUUUUUUU!!!

___

Gunther: Just trust me, alright? Have I ever put us in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation?

Mack: Yes? Literally all the time?!

Gunther: Then you should be used to it now, bitchboy 

___

Engineer Mark: I’m well aware of the fact that I’ve accidentally set myself on fire. 

Engineer Mark: Is that any of your business? No, it is not.

Engineer Mark: And no, I don’t need your pity water. Let me burn in peace.

___

Mack: *gently taps table*

Engineer Mark: *taps table in response*

Captain: What are they doing?

Burt: Using morse code

Mack: *now aggressively tapping the table*

Engineer Mark: *slams his hands down on the table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

___

Ms. Whitacare: Now, what are the three stages of life?

Celci: Birth

Captain: What the fuck is this

Engineer Mark: Death

___

Allu: Looks like you and your crew are all set. *Shakes hands with The Captain* Have fun on the rest of your journey. Please don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Engineer Mark: *raising an eyebrow* I thought you said to have FUN.

___

Captain, to a heavily injured Engineer Mark: We’re almost at MedBay, Mark. Quick, what’s your type?

Engineer Mark, a bit loopy: Vague features, a thoughtful attitude, a firm grip. . .

Captain: . . .

Captain: NO, I MEANT YOUR BLOOD TYPE!

Engineer Mark: . . .Oh.

Engineer Mark: Red

___

Captain: Name a more iconic duo than me and procrastination! Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Burt: Of course you will

Mack: I should kill you

___

Captain: I’m having a baby. 

Invincible II Crew: *celebrating* Wug: Really? Wow! Wug’s never seen infant humans befo— Captain: *slamming adoption papers on the table in front of Wug* It's you, sign here.

___

Mack: Let’s play a game. We all know the Captain and Mark will end up killing each other, inadvertently or not, but what about everyone else? Celci: Gunther will do some murdering, but in the end, he’ll ultimately be murdered. Gunther: *nodding* I can see that Burt: What about me? Celci: You crave toast while taking a bath

Burt: *under his breath* I do love bath snacks

___

Celci: Dammit, Mark! Engineer Mark: What?! It wasn’t me! Celci: Wait, seriously? Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Gunther! Gunther: Not me either. Celci: Oh. . .Then who set the ship on fire? Mack, who will swear on the wormhole that he saw a spider in his cryopod: *whistles nervously*

___

Captain: There is no future. There is no past. Don’t you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that we humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet. Engineer Mark: . . . Celci: . . . Gunther: . . .

Burt: . . . 

Chica: . . .

Mack: . . . The Rest of the Invincible II Crew At The Captain’s Surprise Birthday Party: . . . Tyler, piping up: . . .All Mark asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first. . .

___

Engineer Mark: We are now one day closer to eating our next plate of nachos. Gunther: That’s. . .the most hopeful thing I've heard all week. Captain: But what if we die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? Burt: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

Celci: *shoving Burt towards the airlock* GET OUT!!!! 

___

Engineer Mark: Where do I hide?

Gunther: You don’t hide. You’re the bait. Go act. . .baity, or something

Engineer Mark: What’s the plan?

Celci: The enemies attack you.

Engineer Mark: And then what?

Mack The enemies kill you. We watch. We rejoice.

___

Gunther: I just ended a five-year relationship. . .

Engineer Mark: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, buddy! Are you okay? Gunther: Yeah? It wasn’t MY relationship

___

Engineer Mark: *looks into a nearby mirror and sighs sadly* Everyone hates the way I look. I have the sex appeal of a math textbook.

Mack: Well, that’s just completely inaccurate!

Engineer Mark: *pauses, then slowly looks at Mack* Really.  . ?

Mack: *nods* I’ve never known anyone who’s opened a math textbook without saying “fuck me”

___

Celci: I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor said if I keep doing that, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

___

Engineer Mark: I really hit rock bottom last night. And I mean that literally—I fell into a pit and hit a rock.

Engineer Mark: I remember lying there thinking, “There’s probably a good reason why I’m down here.”

Engineer Mark: And then I started thinking, “I need morphine”

___

Gunther: Self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys. Celci: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice cat nap. Wug: Self care is the burning heat of rage washing over you!! Self care is when you feel bones crack under your powerful fists!! Self care is fear in your enemies’ eyes!!! Engineer Mark: Lmao self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting. Mack: If you so much as touch my birthday cake before me, I’ll make you eat your hands.

___

Celci: *setting down a card* Ace of spades Engineer Mark: *pulling out an Uno card* +4 Mack: *pulling out a Pokémon card* Jolteon, I choose you Allu: *trembling* What kind of human game is this?

___

Mack: Dumbest scar stories, go! Celci: I burned my tongue once drinking tea. Engineer Mark: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it. Gunther: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade. Burt: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and got a really bad burn. Captain: . . . Captain: I have emotional scars.

___

Celci: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. Engineer Mark: What if it bites me and it dies? Mack: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Mark, learn to listen. Captain: What if it bites itself and I die? Burt: That’s voodoo. Wug: What if it bites Wug and someone else dies? Allu: That’s correlation, not causation. Bandit: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die? Gunther: That’s kinky. Celci: Oh my God.

___

[The Invincible II crew is standing around a broken coffee maker]

Captain: *folds their arms across their chest, addressing the crew* So. Who broke it? I’m not mad, I just wanna know.

Everyone: *remains silent* . . .

Wug: *piping up, surprisingly meek* . . .Wug did. Wug broke it.

Captain: *shakes their head knowingly* No. No, you didn’t. Mark?

Engineer Mark: *holds up his hands in defense* Don’t look at me, Captain. Look at Celci.

Celci: What?! I didn’t break it!

Engineer Mark: Huh, that’s weird. How’d you even know it was broken?

Celci: *raises an eyebrow* Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken.

Engineer Mark: *puts his hands on his hips and squints at Celci* Suspicious.

Celci: *reasonably exasperated* No, it’s not!

Burt: If it matters, probably not, but Gunther was the last one to use it.

Gunther: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap!

Burt: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Gunther: *flexes his hand, showing off his nicely-manicured fingernails* I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Burt!

Wug: *coming between Gunther and Burt, lightly pushing them away from one another* No fighting, humans! Wug broke it. Wug will fix it, Friend Captain.

Captain: No! Who broke it?!

Everyone: *remains silent* . . .

Gunther: *notices that Mack has just entered the room* Cap. . .Mack’s been awfully quiet.

Mack: *does a neck-snapping doubletake* rEALLY?!

[Everyone starts arguing. The fight gets louder and more out of control by the second]

Captain: *now being interviewed. The argument is still going on in the background* I broke it. It burned my hand, so I punched it on reflex.

Captain: *glances over their shoulder at the crew* I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig’s head on a stick.

Captain: . . .

Captain: *smiles mischievously with one eye twitching* Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

___

Captain: Time for Plan G. Wug: Don’t you mean Plan B? Captain: No, we tried Plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over Plan C due to technical difficulties. Burt: What about Plan D? Captain: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Gunther: What about Plan E? Captain: I’m hoping not to use it. Mark dies in Plan E. Celci and The Bandit: *in almost perfect unison* I like Plan E.

___

Mack: Back in college, we literally named our volleyball team “NO GAMES SCHEDULED,” because if the other team didn’t show up, they lost their league deposit and forfeited. It worked several times. Everyone hated us and nothing as cool as that has happened to me since.

Captain: . . .You’ve got real issues, man.

___

Gunther: Truth or dare? Captain: Dare Gunther: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room Captain: Hey, Mark? Engineer Mark: *blushing* Yeah? Captain: Could you move? I’m trying to get to the Bandit 

___

Captain: You can throw around all the French you want! It doesn’t make you right!

Mack: Au contraire

___

Captain: Hewwo. Engineer Mark: Hihiiiiii! Allu: Greetings, Humans. Celci: Three kinds of people. Wug: Wug want donuts. Bandit: Four kinds of people. Gunther: WHAT’S UP FUCKERS? Celci: Five kinds of people.

___

Bandit: Rules are made to be broken. Allu: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. Captain: Uh, piñatas. Engineer Mark: Glow sticks. Gunther: Karate boards. Burt: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. Bandit: Rules. Allu: . . .

___

Engineer Mark: *seeing how Mack manipulated and betrayed The Captain* Look at this! You played them like a fiddle!

Mack: *considers this, then shakes his head* Oh no, Mark. Fiddles are actually pretty difficult to play

Mack: I played the Captain like the cheap kazoo they were

___

Gunther: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat? Celci: >:O language Wug: Yeah, human! Watch your fucking language Captain: OKAY WHO TAUGHT WUG THE FUCK WORD? Engineer Mark: 'The fuck word'. Burt: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time Bandit: Oh my god they censored it Gunther: Say fuck, Burt. Engineer Mark: Do it, Burt. Say fuck.

___

Mack: Don't worry, I’ve got a plan. Captain: Alright. Mack: TraitorSayWhat? Engineer Mark: Excuse me? Mack: What? Captain: . . . Engineer Mark: . . . Mack: No wait—

___

Engineer Mark: “Smile!”

Captain: “Sweet!”

Celci: “Sister!”

Mack: “Sadistic!”

Wug: “Surprise!”

Burt: “Service!”

Gunther:  “succ” 

___

Allu: I CAN'T DO IT! Bandit: *laughing* I CAN'T EITHER! Allu: I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE Celci: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US. Allu: . . . Allu: I appreciate it, Allu: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH! Wug: Miss Lady— Allu: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE! Mack: Look, we gotta— Allu: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT. Allu: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?' Allu: *motioning to The Captain and Engineer Mark* NOT FUCKING THIS!!!

___

Captain: I trust Mark. Celci: You think he knows what he’s doing? Captain: I wouldn't go that far.

___

Captain: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity? Celci: *turning to Engineer Mark* How tall are you?

___

Wug: Wug kind of crushing on someone, but Wug’s worried about telling Friend Mark who it is, because Friend Mark won’t like it Engineer Mark: Just rip the bandage off. Wug: It Friend Captain Engineer Mark: *grinding his teeth together* Put the bandage back on.

___

Engineer Mark: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Celci: Nope, absolutely not. Bandit: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through. Wug: Wug hopes it emotionally scars Hideous Human for the rest of Hideous Human’s life. Allu: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you. Ms. Whitacare: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

___

Captain: *running towards the airlock* I’m gonna jump!

Mack: Do a flip!

___

Allu: *to The Captain* The universe is in the hands of an idiot! Captain: *motioning to themself and Engineer Mark* No no no no no, TWO idiots!

___

Captain: Stressed

Celci: Depressed

Mack: Possessed

Engineer Mark: Obsessed

Allu: Unimpressed 

Wug: Chicken breast

Everyone: . . .What?

Wug: Wug just wanted to join in.

___

Bandit: Wait, hold up, why do you draw yourself like that?

Captain: Uh, like what?

Bandit: Like with gorgeous, muscular legs

Captain: This is what I look like.

Bandit: . . .

Captain: THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE!

Bandit: Okay, then I want big, beefy arms. Hot ones.

Wug: Wug wants a cowboy hat!

Captain: Okay, arms and hat *draws them*

Burt: Ooh, give me a cowboy hat, too!

Captain: You can’t just take Wug’s hat idea, Burt! They thought it up all by themself like a good person! Come up with your own thing!

Burt: BUT I WANNA LOOK COOL!

Engineer Mark: Put Celci on one of those stupid baby tricycles.

Celci: NO!!

Captain: Tricycle, done. *draws it* Gunther, want anything?

Engineer Mark: *making finger guns* Pew pew.

Captain: Another gun? That’s kind of already his thing. Gunther, do you want something different? 

Gunther: *glaring and aggressively making finger guns* PEW. PEW.

Captain: You know what? Okay *draws it* But it’s just for holding, not for shooting.

___

Mack: *standing on a chair* The floor is lava!

Burt: *helps other crew members onto the counter*

Gunther: *shoots the floor while jumping up and down*

Wug: *practically latches onto the ceiling*

Engineer Mark and Celci: *trying to shove each other off the sofa*

Captain: *lays on the floor*

Mack: . . .Captain, are you okay?

Captain: No.

___

Gunther: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost in your life.

Burt: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back. . .

Bandit and Celci: Oh, wow! My childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Engineer Mark: My will to live! I haven’t seen this in years!

Wug: Wug knew Wug left that potential somewhere!

Captain: Mental stability, my old friend!

Gunther: Jesus, you guys need to lighten up already

___

Engineer Mark: Is it still visible? Where Celci slapped me?

Mack: Your face looks like a “Don’t Walk” signal

Burt: Your face looks like a photo negative for the Hamburger Helper mascot.

Bandit: A palm reader could tell Celci’s future by looking at your face.

Gunther: The phrase, “Talk to the hand cuz’ the face ain’t listenin’” doesn’t work for you right now, because the hand is your face.

Engineer Mark: . . .A simple “yes” would’ve sufficed.

___

Gunther: If you put “violently” in front of everything to describe your action, it becomes funnier!

Celci: Violently studies

Burt: Violently sleeps

Wug: Violently orders food

Captain: Violently slips into existential crisis over an endless cycle of increasingly-specific choices offered by too many timelines to keep track of, because APPARENTLY life wasn’t already meaningless enough. 

Captain: Oh, and violently succumbs to depression and madness due to possibility of killing innocent people because another version of you decided to use boredom and curiosity as an excuse to stop caring about basic morality.

Everyone: . . .

Engineer Mark: Violently worries about the previous statement

___

Captain: *dies*

Narrator: Timer starts now! When are they coming bacK? I say two months!

Eldritch Plier: Bullshit. One month.

Bandit: Nah, half a month

Literally everyone else on the Invincible II: *sobbing* WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THE CAPTAIN JUST DIED!

Engineer Mark: *scratching his chin in thought* One week.

___

Captain: The Bandit kissed me!

Engineer Mark: *slack-jawed, eyes twitching* Oh my God.

Captain: *completely oblivious* It was unbelievable!

Engineer Mark: *getting noticeably choked-up* Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God—

Celci: Okay, we wanna hear everything. Mark, get the wine and unplug the phone. 

Mack: Captain, does this end well, or do we need tissues?

Captain: Oh, it ended very well.

Engineer Mark: *gritting his teeth and blinking back tears* Do not start without me. . .

Celci: Alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips, or was it like a, y’know, “I gotta have you now” kind of thing?

Captain: Well, at first it was really intense, y’know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

Mack: Ohh. . .So, okay, was she holding you? Or were her hands on your back?

Captain: First she started out on my waist, and then her hands slipped up and then were in my hair.

Celci and Mack: Ohhh.

[Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Invincible II]

Bandit: *eating some glowing alien pizza from the intergalactic fast food place* And, uh. . .then I kissed them.

Wug: Tongue?

Bandit: Yeah.

Wug: Cool.

___

Allu: Wow, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Captain, watching Gunther screaming at nothing, Engineer Mark trying to set a sleeping Celci on fire, and Burt choking on air: I don’t know either.

___

Captain: What if the person who named Walkie-Talkies named everything?

Gunther: Pregnancy tests would be Maybe-Babies

Engineer Mark: Socks would be Feetie-Heaties

Bandit: Defibrillators would be Heartie-Starties

Wug: Nightmares would be Dreamy-Screamies

Burt: Stamps would be Lickie-Stickies

Celci: I hate you guys so much.

___

Mack: *teleports behind The Captian* I like ya cut, G

Mack: *dropkicks The Captain into the dungeon*

[SLAP]

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Well here is an ask of mine that I wanted to send but never had the chance to but could you do ilper egos (dark,actor,Yan,Jim and space) with reader who is a eldritch God/creature who is in disguise?

Dark

He knew the moment he met you and is like “hey I’m something of an eldritch creature myself..care to see?”

Both of you compare forms and yours lowkey nearly drives him mad since you’re leagues ahead of him when it comes to power.

As much as he hates finding someone more powerful than him, you two get along quite well.

He introduces you to the other egos, and it fascinates you how they’re all either human, half-human, robot, demons, and more.

Quite the array of characters. 

Actor

He’s dealt with the House Entities, which are most likely eldritch horrors in some way, shape, or form. 

So he’s completely unaffected by you.

Still, you prefer to keep up a human disguise out of consideration of humans who didn’t encounter your kind before. 

But you can show him glimpses of your true self if he insists (and he will whine about it so you have no choice).

He just stares and smirks like “that’s cute, so when are you taking me out to dinner?”

Yandere

Honestly you can reveal yourself as the most fucked-up cosmic creature who can easily evaporate/traumatize those unfortunate enough to gaze upon you..

And Yan would still call you adorable, absolutely worshipping you (as both a god and his senpai).

“Senpai you look beautiful no matter what form you take <3″

“..even if my true self were to shatter your mind?”

“Hehe, you’re so silly, senpai~” He giggles, giving you a kiss before skipping away.

You get flustered every time without fail.

Jim

“An interdimensional being of unimaginable horror?!! What do you know about all that is unknowable, O’great one???”

You’ve never met this man before in your life..how did he see through your disguise so easily??

You try to play dumb and just walk away, as to not unveil yourself in public.

Jim is insistent on following you like a lost puppy and getting answers no matter the cost.

Humans are very strange...they’ll risk it all just to have word with you. You never understood why these “reporters” did what they did.

Space

During one of his solo wormhole trips, Mark meets you in a reality where you became an eldritch alien/god thanks to the wormhole’s prolonged effects.

And is instantly disintegrated when he stares at your true form for a millisecond too long.

You’re like “really? Of course he’d be stupid enough to gawk at me..”

After rewinding time and restoring him, you approach him in your space suit, fully concealing your incomprehensible features.

“C-Captain? Nice uh..place you got.”

“Thanks. I haven’t heard that name in a millennia..it’s actually [insert long and complex name] now.”

“...oh, okay! Can I still call you Captain, tho?”

Yep. This was definitely your himbo of a head engineer, alright.

[eleganteldritch]

haven’t received anymore of these yet, soo thought i’d do one for everyone’s favorite eldritch edgelord úwù

☆ 🥀·they are soooooo cool looking — aside the jokes he gets on looking like a formal emo lookin’ dude, i really love his appearance in canon and all the artistic interpretations of him; he’s by far one of the coolest ones!

☆ 🥀·everyone but me is wrong about them ❤️ — Dark apologist, defender, sympathizer, and simp speaking. i will speak nothing but good things about him /lh /hj

☆ 🥀·if they were real i would be afraid of them — have y’all seen this man? sure he seems to throw temper tantrums and lose his shit like a little kid, but just…think about it-

also, again on some of the artistic interpretations i’ve see of him-you do not wanna get on his bad side..

☆ 🥀·if they were real i would marry them — please sir i am begging 👉👈💍

☆ 🥀·they’re like a blorbo to me — pocket eldritch 🖤 he’s v comforting

☆ 🥀·they’re deeper than they seem — have y’all seen the lore for this motherfucker?? he is one of the d e e p e s t characters Mark had ever created to date (alongside Wilford and Actor). it’s amazing how far he’s come and how much he’s grown, and how i’ve been here since a bit before A Date With Markiplier

☆ 🥀·i like them enough to project my own issues onto them — ..no i will not go into detail other than he’s relatable to me so 💀

☆ 🥀·free space — Dark was the first character/ego i became familiar with when Mark started on the path of making more cinematic adventure-based videos, and the first one i deeply fell in love with. he also pretty much started the fixation for Mark’s content so cndf

it’s just been a crazy ride, and i honestly do not regret ever getting involved in all of this. Dark has become such a comfort character to me it’s a little surreal sometimes 🖤

☆ 🥀·wow! they are a horrible person — not even the best fluffiest fan fiction or fanon content will change my mind. hell not even myself simping on main for this dude cndnf

and yes ik he hasn’t necessarily done anything awful in canon, but look me in the eyes and tell me he’s a good guy 👁

☆ 🥀·why do they look like that — emo lookin’ ass (affectionate) /r

☆ 🥀·im mentally ill about them — nO FURTHER EXPLANATION. BRAIN GO B R R-

☆ 🥀·wow… they are LITERALLY me! — won’t be going into detail on this either, or else i risk completely embarrassing myself oop

☆ 🥀·they’ve never done anything wrong in their life ❤️ — ‘nough said 🥺

[eleganteldritch]

…gives me thoughts but also

how dare you-

I'm sure this has been done before, but Howl's Moving Castle. Yknow how Old Lady Sophie reverts back to Sophie when she sleeps?

Yeah, imagine that with Dark. You can say he looks wayyy too much like Damien when he sleeps. That or he looks like the former DA, which can make for a funny situation of Wilford being like, "Did I bring someone home last night?"

Anywho, y'all have fun with this.

[dragonlover123a]

ROLEPLAYS

JSE Roleplays

Anti's Pet: Anti wants a shrunken human pet that doesn't see him as a monster, and also who has some sort of mental disorder. So he forces Marvin to find someone like that and shrink them, and the first person he finds during his research is me, so he teleports me to the Septic! Egos house and shrinks me. Before I go and live with Anti, Marvin and Schneeplestien do a quick check up.

Gods: A mythological based one where gods have taken over the human realm and humans are sacrificed as pets to appease them. And Sean is the King of Gods and the universe and reality personified and in the centuries of gods having human pets, he had never put out for a human before me. His true name is whatever you want. But we can replace him with Anti if you'd like. But Anti isn't his true name either. (This one has a specific order in the beginning)

Mermaid: Anti is a massive electric eel mermaid called a King Demon Eel who's so big a blue whale can fit in his hand and my persona is a tiny mer person with a shiny/translucent tail called a Mini Gem who got kicked out of their village and gets rescued by Anti

Eldritch! Anti: Anti is an eldritch creature and I was created to be a sort of pacifier for him by Sean (who is reality personified) but something went wrong and Anti lost me, causing me to be born human. And the only reason why he knows it's me is because I see him how he sees himself no matter what form he takes or what anyone else sees

Space: The Septics are aliens and Anti is an 800ft Lizys'ke. Lizys'kes are fairly peaceful species that have a tendency to adopt humans. The ends of their tails splits open to reveal a poison barb and they have sharp teeth. But they have soft fur on their chests and arms in order to comfortably hold their young (and lesser species they adopt), And Anti is looking to adopt a human, so he randomly picks me, and the other Septics are aliens as well, but Sean is reality personified, and he bases the Egos on his channel off of the Alien!Septics. Although it's not as random as we originally think, Sean specifically hand crafted me to be Anti's pet

Cyberpunk: In the future, the world has been taken over by warring robotic giants (The Ipliers and the Septics) controlled by Als that used to be Youtubers (Sean and Mark), but now they each demand human sacrifices in so they won't destroy everything. Sean has a tendency to adopt humans as his own (or give them to his Septics, who care for the humans) but with Mark, depending on the Iplier, your either a pet, a slave or dead. So on the day of the sacrifice, when Sean comes to the city, Sean chooses me

Trigun: Vash finds me shrunken in the Gunsmoke desert post-anime (includes HCs)

[sketchy-scribs-n-doods]

@softladyhours​

Hi! Omg hi lol! Markiplier fandom I have returned to you once more. I’m going back to my roots lol

Okay so, sorry this is a tad late, I've had lots of irl stuff to deal w because of the global panini, but I've had some free time this week to finally get to this! I’m hoping to make up for it with sheer volume of content to give you lmao >:)

You're very lucky I got back into Mark's content like last month lol, otherwise your ask would have oh so tragically stagnated in my ask box. Since you've reminded me of such a lovely little tidbit from this blog's past, I drew up a little something special for ya:

A redraw! Of sorts lol. I like to think my art has improved a bit since, what, 2017? 2018? But anyway, it’s them! I may do a few more sketches of them here and there if more inspiration strikes hehe

And as you asked, some headcanons for you as well:

- Dames does in fact use his cane when he snaps (think of it as instinctual lashing out when he's distressed instead of the peppy absentminded way Wilford will pull out a gun), though I think with all that goes on with the rest of the egos, he's probably learned his way around a knife or two to balance his out his skill set. The cane isn't always stained, but it's not particularly uncommon to see it sticky or crusted with red. Sometimes, when he's having an off day, someone has to advise Dames to go 'polish' it clean before it gets too grungy.

As for the Colonel, well:

- I think he's primarily called Dark, as ours is, but certain egos can get away with calling him the Colonel sometimes (usually Dames, but also egos he'd be more inclined to respect like the Host,  Dr. Iplier, etc.), so it isn't unheard of to hear him referred to in that manner. Plus, it's just very obvious in the way he holds himself that he was once a military man.

- The Colonel only sometimes wears suits. More often, you'll find him in a well fitted button up and slacks held up by suspenders. On rarer occasions, he'll wear a greatcoat or suit jacket over this ensemble.

- Since this Dark is made up of William and Celine instead of Damien and Celine, he lacks the portion of suave charm and wit that Damien brought to the table. Instead, he strikes me as a man that would have a more gruff, stoic charm, kind of like the older uncle everyone in the family just instinctively respects because of his strong bearing and self assuredness he exudes. If he's keen to make a good impression, he has the vibe of good solid drinking buddy you can fuck shit up with, type of guy not easily taken aback. You get the feeling he's tough but fair and has seen enough shit to not tolerate any bullshit from anyone.

- Everyone knows that Dark is a bit soft around Dames (not to say he hasn't caused the poor man emotional distress on occasion, this is Dark we're talking about), but he's also got that rough lumberjack dad vibe around some of the less powerful/overtly hostile egos like Erik. He isn't necessarily nice, he's more the 'fair and wise advice giver' type. Like an emotionally repressed parental figure that isn't particularly good at comfort but is very well versed in helping you get your life back in order. Very tough love and reality check sort of guy when he's trying to be supportive.

- That said, the Colonel is fucking big. This mf is built like a brick shit house on top of being some sort of conglomerate of eldritch horror, so when he's angry he's fucking terrifying. Our Dark is a powerful demon twunk in a suit with manipulative tendencies. This Dark is a demon beef cake that roars like a fucking feral bear when he's angry. When things are bad, they're bad, and the other egos tip toe around him the way a child would around an angry father (and if any notices that after a while the Colonel stops blowing up like that when Erik is around, well, it's not like anyone is complaining, character growth and all that).

- The Colonel can't stand himself sometimes. Just fuckin hates his own company every now and then. I think in general this version of Dark is just much more volatile than the one comprised of Damien and Celine. While siblings can bicker, the tension between what's left of Celine and William has got to be fucking insufferable. I don't know what the fusion equivalent for our Dark would be, but the Colonel definitely seems like he would have problems similar (if distinct) to Malachite from Steven Universe. William and Celine just aren't very good for each other anymore, especially not the forced together remnants of their souls bound by dark magic, and it really shows sometimes. If you thought our Dark seemed horrible, the Colonel is downright intolerable sometimes, even to himself. Learning to deal with it is a long, continuous journey for him, and he's had many, many, many bad slips that he fails to process in a healthy way. It's a long while before the rest of the egos start to be able to trust him (or at least trust that he won't threaten/scare them the next time he blows up).

- Everything has it's ups and downs though, and when things are looking up the Colonel is a surprisingly good listener. The other egos may be periodically afraid of and threatened by him, but Dark just as easily slots into the space of protector and trusted confidante when the need arises. There's something almost maternal in the way he guides the others, yet blunt and no nonsense. It doesn't reduce the healthy dose of fear and respect the others have for him, only further solidifies his capacity as a leader to them. Dark is surprisingly soft in these moments, and everyone he's lent an ear to treasures the experience.

- Dark sometimes indulges in painting his nails. No one ever dares ask him about it. Except Dames, only to say that he likes the black, but thinks that pink is much more Dark's color.

- When he's feeling more stable (and far less neurotic), and if the egos are lucky, the Colonel will sometimes sit and listen to old tunes play on a record player as he whittles away at a piece of wood in the common area. The rest of the egos will gather 'round to read, knit, nap, whatever they like to pass the time with. It's as close to family bonding as they tend to get in the early days. And if the Colonel is lucky, Dames will play along on the dusty old upright piano that sits in the corner. The small wood carving in his rough hands is always a gift for Damien when this happens. Very carefully, no one ever reacts to this, save for Dames and his enthusiastic gratitude.

- Dark has a gun on him at all time that he rarely needs to use. He doesn't much like pulling it out, it tends to scare Dames.

- When Dames gets scared, or upset, or just all around has a very bad day, the Colonel learns to always be aware of it when it happens. Later still, he learns how to help with it beyond stern words and frustrated, fumbling attempts at care. After the early days have long become an embarrassing and unpleasant reminder of their sharp learning curve, if the other egos tend to occasionally find Dames and Dark asleep and tucked into some quiet corner of the manor together, well. The Googles happen to have a very secure cloud to upload the ensuing pictures to.

- Overall the this version of Dark has a different edge to him than our Dark does, meaning that the egos in this au have to deal with an angry emotional abusive bull in the early days rather than regular Dark’s deceitful and psychologically manipulative nastiness and snake-like tendencies. Not to ignore that, but I am a softie at heart, so I like to think that eventually the Colonel (and regular Dark as well) learns to process his trauma in a less destructive manner and treat the other egos, a found family of sorts, much better in the long run. I’m always a sucker for character development lol.

Hope ya’ll find this interesting! God knows I haven’t thought about this au in ages lmao, so anyone feel free to hmu about it, I love diving back into old interests when the mood strikes. ^-^

[umbral-archives]

Ego Tags

The losers I torment in my drabbles. If an Ego isn’t listed, I either don’t feel comfortable writing for them or I just don’t want to. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ This may change in the future.

Tags are color coded to my muse comfort/familiarity level, so keep that in mind when requesting a drabble.

High - Medium - Low

Dark - Eldritch Entity  🖤

Actor!Mark - Curtain Call 🎬

Illinois - Bootleg Indiana Jones 🤠

Murdock - Murder Bastard 🗡

Damien - Mister Mayor 💙

Wilford Warfstache - Devoted Delusion

Yancy - Songbird 🔒

Heist!Mark - Thievery 💥

Engineer!Mark - Wormhole Instigator 💫

Dr. Iplier - Not-So-Good Doctor 🩺

Google - iRobutt 💻

Noir!Mark - Casanova ✒

Porniplier - Rated R 🎥

Host - Narrator 🎙

God of Night - Darkness Incarnate 🌌

Author - Twisted Tale 📜

[reblogs-are-the-love]

Eldritch Dark! Eldritch Dark!

Some monster darkiplier fanarts posted on twitter

[strawbabymoth]

I’m going to make a dnd au for the egos, has that been done yet?  I have some thoughts, allow me to share-

Iplier Egos: -Host is the DM, or if he’s not he’s a Warlock for sure (All knowing type beat, very ominous, cursed because he /almost/ broke his oath) -Dr. Iplier is the cleric. They forced him into that role. He probably took the grave path -Wilford is a barbarian. A berserker, to be precise. -Alternatively, another warlock ^ -Alternatively alternatively, a gunslinger ^^ -Dark is a sorcerer, possible draconic ancestory -Yan is either a blood hunter (trust me on this one) -Yancy is a bard, possible school of glamour -Captain Magnum is a rogue, though he’s a swashbuckler -Though.. druid captain Magnum... -Silver Shepard is a paladin. -Google is a ranger -Actor is another bard, school of wizards -Bing is a fighter, eldritch knight -Eric is a dude, though he gets an arc later Septic Egos: -Marvin is a warlock, ofc -Jackie is a paladin !!! Or a fighter, I’m undecided -Schneep is another cleric </3 -Druid Robbie, that’s all. -Chase might just be an npc who tries to do too much :( -Anti is a ranger, shadow walker -Jameson is something magical, I need to think more </3

[mythbits]

Aaa I’m new here!! I’m a HUGE monster nerd and I was wondering if I could get a full on rundown on who’s what?

hi hello! and sure thing! (this’ll be a bit long so bear with me) the whole list includes:

Wilford - sphinx

Dark - hellhound

Host - cecaelia (sea witch, half-octopus)

Bim - gorgon

Ed Edgar - Ultimate Feral Cowboy (centaur/werewolf)

Dr. Iplier - jackalope

Silver Shepherd - doppelganger

Jims - harpies (type: grackle)

Google(s) - automaton

Bing/mini Bing - automaton

Yan - kitsune

King - human (?) with magic attributes

Eric and Derek - harpies (type: raven)

Randal - shapeshifter

Yancy - shifter (black cat)

Illinois - lamia

Capt. Magnum - selkie

honorable mentions include:

Goopiplier - Slime Monster

Cool Patrol Mark - Dragon

Kinkiplier - Incubus

and last but not least:

Memento / Mori - eldritch gods w/ animal heads (similar to egyptian gods)

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Headcanons: Memento & Mori

General

For countless millennia, Memento and Mori were among the many gods who oversee the cycle of life and death (though Memento was more in charge of the memories of life)

Their true forms are eldritch-like...enough to drive a human mad. If they must interact with humanity, they take on more mild forms.

Stories claim they’re faceless, have striped tendrils and 4-6 wings with hypnotic eyes, and carried large hourglasses on their backs or in their hands like lanterns.

But in 2019 they both got kinda bored of doing the same things...and humanity intrigued them with their new “customs”.

At some point they learned about the Internet, then the YouTube community, and finally Mark and Ethan’s work--and appeared to them.

They wished to experience life as humans for one year, and because of the YouTubers’ influences on the population they asked if they could use their image in order to partake in “Internet traditions”.

Mark and Ethan were understandably shocked but they agreed...on the condition that they made their own separate channel.

And thus, Unus Annus began.

⌛ Memento ⌛

Full name is Memento Unus.

He’s a few decades older than Mori, so in a way he’s like his mentor when it comes to safeguarding souls.

Despite this, he’s much more hesitant about the “Internet customs” he and Mori agreed to try for a year--not wanting to hurt his friend.

His sole duty is the preservation and alteration of memories.

And because of that, he’s got such an excellent memory himself. He’s got plenty of stories to share if you’re willing to lend an ear.

Memento can also tap into the subconscious of anyone he makes physical contact with and see all of their memories.

If there’s any gaps--say in someone with amnesia--he can insert new memories or dig around for the missing pieces.

Or if there’s..less than pleasant memories someone wishes to forget, he can change them into happier ones.

But he does make sure the person forget he gave them memories, so they don’t go telling others.

He visits the Crankegos from time to time, though when he peered into Blank’s memories--he was so shaken up he couldn’t speak for the rest of the day.

So...he just tries not to let his curiosity get out of hand. Though it’s his biggest weakness.

💀 Mori 💀

Full name is Mori Annus

Very soft-spoken, and optimistically nihilistic.

He’s just like “everything ends eventually, so let’s make the most of it!”

That’s why he’s so willing to agree to try insane things like neti pots, sensory deprivation chambers, and playdough consumption.

He’s more like a curious child if anything.

One of his major duties as a god is safeguarding souls--and tending to fragile ones--before passing them onto the afterlife.

The earlier the soul leaves a person’s body, the weaker it is.

The most fragile are from deaths that occurred instantaneously, without giving the soul itself any time to prepare for departure.

None actually shatter, but still....Mori is extremely careful and nurturing to each and every one--regardless of the individual it once shaped.

He’s just an extremely empathetic entity.

He’s fond of classic, instrumental music. It bring him some serenity.

Lurks around the other Ipliers on occasion, but he usually keeps his distance and focuses on the UA channel alongside Memento.

[septic-dr-schneep]

Septic and Iplier BROTP Dynamics

Jackieboy and Henrik: Happy Beef and Huffy String Bean

Marvin and Henrik: Exasperated Protective Bickering Idiots

Chase and Marvin: The Adventurous and Unheeded Voice of Reason

Chase and Jameson: Proud Sad and Smol Sunshine

Dark and The Host: Eldritch Lord and Liege

Dr. Iplier and Google: Tired Mess and Frustrated Mess

Bim and Yandere: Flamboyant Aloof and Spoiled Gremlin

Silver Shepherd and KOTS: Lonely Soft and Soft Loner

[greateggcult]

WKM children head cannon

Similar to Wilford, Mark keeps changing his name every few years or so. The Iplier one is his favorite but can't always be used due to legal troubles.

Dark has been 'adopting' some of the kids that Mark leaves behind.

Mark sleeps around a lot and distances himself once the person gets pregnant or becomes too big of a problem. He has over seventy biological children that he has abandoned.

Mark's kids:

-Dr. Iplier is one of the few with Mark's last name on the birth paperwork

- Eric Derrickson was the product of an affair and the only brother not from Mr.Derrickson

-Ed Edger is a grandson

- Bim Trimmer is a great-grandson

Okay so I might also have a head cannon that Mark has cursed the bloodline similar to the SCP Bright family. The curse makes the hosts have higher survival rates due to luck related reality manipulation, and makes them way more prone to mental issues if not straight up Eldritch insanity, maybe some other more personal quarks depending on the individual.

- Host is a son from one of Mark's ex's that was raised by his single mother until she died in a house fire and he had to go to an orphanage

- although people assume that the Author is related, he is not. It's just a similar family curse from a different bloodline. His curse and Mark's curse do not mix well together. It's like putting gasoline on a bon fire, all around a bad time for everybody involved.

Abe's kids:

- Murder-slaughter is a grandson who's existence defyies logic, but the DNA tests prove that they are related. Abe has a feeling that this has something to do with the mysterious stalker he had decades ago.

Wilford's kids:

- King of the squirrels.

- the butt-stabber is a great-grandson

[thedoctormcdonald]

The Walking Darkness Pt. 1: My B-Day Present to Dark

Welp, here’s my little b-day present to the Eldritch Edgelord himself, a little fic idea I’ve had for a while and decided to finally do it for D-Man’s birthday!  

Characters: Dr. Iplier, Damien/Dark

Genre: Horror, Cosmic/Lovecraftian Horror

Content Warnings: anxiety

=============================================================

From the Desk of Dr. Ignatius Plier

November 14, 1929

Given the recent and sudden resignation of our dear mayor, Mr. Damien Whately, and the shocking events which preceded it, I only saw fit as his personal physician to be the person to inform the public of the truth.

There is no doubt that many of you have heard or personally circulated the salacious rumours which have swirled around the very person of Mayor Whately - or simply ‘Damien’ as I refer to him – ever since the earliest days of his own position; truly wild and wicked half-heard stories from faint associates and supposed fleeting glimpses caught on nights watched by the gibbous moon of consorting with unwholesome beings not of our plane, or else being one of those blasphemies of nature himself.  I also have little doubt that in light of his association with the recent murder of his good friend, famed actor Mark I. Plier (no relation) those rumours have only worsened.

While I firmly believe that when they first emerged on the lips of the populous they were simply that, rumours; but they are not any more.

The Damien whom I have attended to over the past month is not the man who has been in my personal care for many years.  He is in no way the same kind, well-bred, wholesome gentleman whom I had the fortune and privilege of first meeting through our shared acquaintance, the District Attorney. Instead it is clear from all that I have observed that he is not merely someone else entirely but something else besides who cruelly wears the mask of such an illustrious individual and acts out a sardonic mockery of his genuine regard for his fellow man to hide its true hideous nature and intentions upon the world.  That he is no longer even properly human, but is instead something either best relegated to the sephulcre or worse yet the seas of black infinity that roil in their maddening chaos behind the world that we know.

I realize that releasing such statements to the public may well incur a grave cost to my own reputation as a Doctor and as a sane individual altogether, but my conscience will forever be troubled if I do not attempt to at least try to relay to the public that there is/are dangers in their midst.  It is my deepest hope that this statement will shew as many as possible that a grave threat of the most wicked and unwholesome sort is now lurking amongst men; a man-shaped devil whose very flesh—if it may even be properly called ‘flesh’-- is animated by the unnamable and unspeakable energies of unlighted gulfs from beyond the edge of all that is natural and sane.

But as thoroughly shaken my own mental state is from the ordeal of such a revelation, I must assure you all that my sanity is mostly still quite intact, and therefore do not expect any of you to accept such wild claims offhand.  Therefore I shall recount my experiences of the past few weeks with… “Damien” and hope that such a firsthand account shall convince you all, the good people of this city, that what I claim is true. 

 However I must leave such a testimony for a later date as I must necessarily rest from this exercise; as I have mentioned above my psyche (already quite delicate even before this) has taken quite a toll from all that I have witnessed, and this short spite of revisiting it has become too much for me already.  Rest assured, all, my next missive will follow shortly.