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baronessvonglitter · 2 months ago

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Cherry, Cherry 🍒 Chapter 18 🍒

"I Wanted It To Be You"

Joel Miller x f!Reader

Word count: 7,467

Summary: Moving on from Joel, your life takes many unexpected courses: college, marriage.. yet you keep wondering What If..?

(Warnings contain spoilers, so please check beneath the cut if you're curious)

WARNINGS: 18+ Only! Mature and Explicit, age gap (the difference is 17 years, and there are a few time skips throughout this chapter), starts in late 2003 and ends in 2023, Angst Angst Angst, brief mention of jailtime, breakup, parental issues, heavy on the mom guilt, underage drinking, dry humping, anonymous drunk sex (never ever do this, folks), vomit, reader going through a slutty era after getting her heart broken (just like Joel in Chapter 14), allusions to smut, time skips (labeled), panic attack, mention of drugs and alcohol, rough sex, creampie, surprise pregnancy, infidelity, lil bit of a makeout sesh with Tommy, semi-public sex, pussy pronouns, light degradation, Ellie is Joel's daughter, mention of cyberstalking (not as serious as it sounds), mention of reader having a therapist, Joel and Tess are married. If I left anything out, please LMK!

Author's Note: this took forever to write because the more I edited the more I wanted to add. And I know this chapter has quite a few time skips, I just wanted to highlight the important parts as much as I could. ALSO: I apologize for the unrealistically speedy law process at the beginning. I have no idea how that situation would pan out, but it would almost definitely drag out for months if not years.

So much angst here, but now the reader is all grown up! I wanted to add the convo with Sarah but this chapter was already getting so long, and I think it'll fit better in the next installment anyway.

Series Masterlist

"I would've said yes."

You've lost count of how many voicemails you leave Joel, who's been ignoring your calls, but this is the only time you say it, that you admit your love could have gone a different way if you'd just gotten back to that hotel room together.

You replay that night over and over in your head, but with different endings. In a perfect world, your father would never have even been there in the first place. In a separate, less perfect world, you would not have called out to him, just ignored him the way he ignored you. Then you'd have some peace of mind, and you'd belong with the man you love.

Each time you call Joel, you expect to hear his gruff voice on the other end of the line. And soon enough the ringing stops and goes straight to voicemail, where you leave him the words of your bleeding, broken heart:

"I would've said yes."

You haven't taken the ring out of its box, worried you'll jinx whatever luck you have left. Joel is supposed to kneel, take your hand in his, and place the ring on your finger. You've never envisioned what getting engaged would look like, but it definitely bears some semblance to tradition.

When Chris refused to press charges, the law stepped in and did it for him. Thirty days in the Bexar County Jail is what they sentenced Joel. That was why you couldn't reach him, why you felt like you were hitting a brick wall. It's a relief when you're finally able to speak to him.

"I'm so sorry," you cry to him over the phone, his voice like a warm and soothing balm. You imagine yourself curling into his embrace, allowing his arms to enfold you, make you small and safe, hidden from the dangers and ugliness of the world.

"You ain't got nothin' to be sorry for," he grunts.

"I love you." You sound pitiful over the phone but you don't care. "Joel, let me come see you and we can work it out. Please."

He sighs. "I got somethin' I need to tell you. Might change your mind how ya feel about me."

"What?" you ask quickly, your young mind scrambling to imagine what he could say, as if to fortify your already shattered heart. Your stomach sinks, nausea threatening to make the bile rise in your throat. "Joel, what is it?"

He's quiet for awhile and when he speaks it's monotone. "I've been seein' someone else."

It sounds like he's speaking a foreign language. You shake your head, looking at your wall calendar. It's only December. You last saw him in late September. The biblical manger scene on the church calendar your mom put on the fridge is an evil harbinger of time now lost.

"Who?" you ask, dreading the answer.

"Doesn't matter," he says gruffly, sounding uncomfortable.

"Tell me who," you insist.

With a deep sigh he relents. "Hailey."

Again, it's like hearing a foreign language. "Hailey? The girl I worked with? The one who went to Sarah's party? That Hailey?"

"Yeah."

"How.. how did this happen?"

"Ran into her at a bar my first night out of jail. I was lonely and she was.. she was there for me."

"What do you mean? Did you-" you take a moment to breathe, try not to let your emotions take over.

"I slept with her. That's all it is between us, just fuckin'."

It's like a punch in the gut. No, worse. It's a blade plunging into your heart over and over.

In a blur of upset and disappointment, you utter the words of anyone who's ever had a broken heart: "How could you do this to me?"

There's no answer for it from his side. His refusal to go into detail feels like he's hiding his fling with Hailey on purpose, withholding part of his new life to you, but you never stop to think he might be saving you from the pain he knows is due.

You cry after hanging up on him. You cry more than you did when he left you in San Antonio. You cry until you can no longer see because your eyes are puffy, nearly tiny slits that still somehow shed tears when you think of Joel with your ex-friend.

Once the sadness has been cried out, there remains only rage, simmering and profound. With small, practiced movements, you take the engagement ring in its box and mail it to Joel's address. No note, and no explanation needed.

"You're not yourself," your mom mentions one night when you push your plate away, your dinner barely touched.

"Not hungry," you mumble.

She sighs in exasperation. "I don't know what to do with you. You won't talk to me." She pushes her own plate away and downs the rest of her cheap wine. "You come home from God-knows-where, with a damn bruise on your face."

You touch your cheek where your father had accidentally knocked you backwards, wishing it was the only physical pain you endured from that night.

"..you don't bother with the chores anymore, you lock yourself away in your room, probably not even studying. Do you even attend classes anymore? Do you even care about your future?" she continues.

"No," you say quite simply.

"No??"

You shake your head and shrug, as if answering something as easy as 'do you want to watch a movie later?'

"I don't. Give. A shit."

Anita scoffs, refilling her glass. "Great. That's just great. Maybe I'll drink this entire bottle and give myself alcohol poisoning. Then I wouldn't have to deal with your shitty attitude anymore."

The scrape of your chair as you push away from the table is as loud as nails on a chalkboard. "You want me to talk? I'll talk." You lean forward, relishing this moment where your mom looks scared as shit.

"I said I was in College Station, but I lied. I was fucking Joel every weekend I was away. We met up in hotel rooms and fucked each other's brains out. And the best part of it all was that he loved me," your voice breaks but you're wickedly delighted by the look of shock and disgust on your mother's face.

You're on a tirade now that can't be stopped. "Two months ago I found Dad in San Antonio. I did," you nod, a psychotic kind of laughter breaking from you when she gawks. "And do you know what? He's forgotten all about us. He has a new family, new kids, new young wife. And he doesn't give a shit about you or me. He never really has, has he?" You realize you're standing, towering over her as you spit out all the venom she's ever poured into you right back at her.

"Now.. how does it feel to have the truth shoved in your face? To be deprived of the fantasy world you wanted so badly to live in, cushioned by your idiotic pretenses? Because I'll bet you could've gone your whole life not knowing, staying innocent. Well, Mother Dearest, fuck you."

Without a word you pack your things, your body moving way ahead of your brain, stuffing every necessary item into a couple of bags before you leave her house, with the intention to never return again.

Summer 2004 Louisiana

Staying with friends in a shitty apartment, you finish the rest of the semester before transferring to another school. Three schools in one year probably isn't a very good look on your transcript, but it's the first choice you make that is truly your own. Working two jobs over the summer you finally have the money you need to survive as you begin a new chapter in Louisiana.

You do everything in your power to get over Joel. The first step was deleting his number from your phone, even though you've already memorized it by heart. To be safe, you also delete Tommy's number, and Sarah's. It feels final, and a small part of you wishes they could get a notification informing them you no longer consider them important enough to keep, even as data.

It still stings when you think of Joel with Hailey. She's older, more experienced, and can probably do whatever he wants without being asked. After you've deleted the Millers from your contact list, you hover over Hailey's name, pressing it and, in a moment of antagonism, send her a text. I thought you were my friend, Turns out you're just a fucking slut Then you delete and block her number.

Dating other guys doesn't come very easy. It's as if they can smell the heartbreak on you, sense your loneliness and unease, the untempered anger simmering below the surface of your smile. You're a walking red flag and you know it, but that doesn't stop you.

You grind on a guy at a club after he buys you a few appletinis. Never mind that he's twenty five and trying to get you drunk so you'll fuck him. With your twenty-dollar Charlotte Russe dress hiked up as you drag your sopping panties over his clothed hardness, he sucks the apple flavor off your tongue, one hand gripping your hips while the other slips inside your underwear to rub your clit and you come for the first time in months. So loud, in fact, that you're caught and promptly kicked out of the club. When your partner (you never remember his name) asks to continue at his place, you decline, already walking to the next bar.

Once the high wears off, you are consumed with guilt as you think of Joel. What would he say if he found out? Would he even care? Maybe he's fucking Hailey right now.

And it hits you that it's already been a year since you first slept with him.

You pause in the middle of the street, coming back to earth when a car honks at you, cursing at you to hurry up and fucking move dumb bitch!

Walking on, you can't get the memory of the feel of Joel out of your head: the way his tongue licked into your mouth, fingers traveling down to play between your folds, telling you he needed you nice and wet before he fucked you, those thick fingers slipping in and playing you like a well tuned instrument, his lips gliding over your throat, resting just above your pulse point, then finding their way down the slope of your breasts, taking each nipple between his lips, his beard rasping against your skin.

You try to force the thought away, but it returns manifold. His mouth, the stiffened warmth of his tongue lapping at your cunt, drinking up every fucking drop and telling you you taste so sweet. He doesn't stop until you come more than once, finally fitting himself inside you, teasing you with the first few inches. Sure you can handle the rest, babygirl? before sliding in in one smooth thrust, joining you body and soul, moving against you just how you need.

You cover your face with your hands and wander into an alley, overcome with despair at the loss of your love, the loss of what innocence you thought you had. Both of those things given to someone who only saw fit to fuck you as he wished and discard when he couldn't handle the reality of your personal life.

"Are you okay?" a voice asks, approaching softly from behind. You turn and see a man, another college student like yourself, dressed in jeans and a striped button down. His features blur together until all you hear is his soft Southern accent and all you smell is his Curve cologne. The next thing you know you're kissing him, begging him to touch you, fuck you, and then he's spinning you to face the wall, dress hiked up, panties pulled down. Your arms support you against the wall as he pushes into you from behind and all you think about is him fucking the pain away, pumping into you hard and fast. He's nowhere near as big as Joel, but you've been so touch starved that the sounds coming out of your mouth are shameless.

Without warning you vomit, splashing your shoes and the wall in front of you with appletini puke, and the guy pulls out immediately, getting away from you as fast as he can, tucking himself back into his jeans.

You rest your forehead against the cool brick wall, spitting out the sour taste in your mouth as tears weep freely from your eyes.

September 2004

At the start of sophomore year you're the only one who doesn't have family come down to help move in, to visit with and take silly, memorable photos with. Nobody comes to your dorm and helps you decorate and put your belongings away. By the time your assigned roommate comes with her parents and little brother you're already set up, fresh sheets on your twin bed, your side already claimed.

You're reading when she comes in, a young girl, freshman, with hope in her eyes, excited to meet you, looking forward to her new life away from Montana or Missouri or wherever she says she's from. You're barely listening.

Who you do notice is her dad: mid-forties, slight beer belly, wearing a polo shirt and cargo pants with brand new New Balance shoes. You make eye contact immediately before he shifts his gaze away. His daughter, your new roommate Jessica, starts to unpack, asking you questions about the classes, what student groups to join. You offer what advice you can, stretching out on your bed in your tank top and running shorts. Her dad's eyes roam over your curves when his wife and kids aren't looking, and you unabashedly flirt back, making sure your shorts ride up, pulling down your tank just a little to expose more cleavage.

Once they leave for a quick tour around the campus you're back to your reading.

Jessica's dad comes back. Alone.

"I think I forgot my wallet in here," he says, giving a forced look of timidity as he checks his pockets.

"You didn't," you smirk, putting your book down and sitting up. "But you can stay if you want.."

He doesn't make an excuse about his family and you wouldn't care if they walked in anyway. Once the door is locked his hands are on your body, grabbing your ass while your hand goes down his pants. You tell him exactly what will make you come, and he does it so willingly it almost touches your heart.

Later as he's leaving and you're trying to get his cum off your bedsheets, he's asking you not to say anything to his daughter, as if you'd proudly exclaim that you fucked him, having barely remembered his name.

You're learning that a lot of men are the same at their very core.

You're a fantasy for the older ones, a college coed with daddy issues and an IUD. Having already been with an older man, you know just what they like, and when you give it you live for the way their eyes light up, and a little of their youth comes back to them for a moment.

It's almost pitiful how easy you figure out the opposite sex. Once you know what they want it's easy to become that, to dress how they want, to feign interest in the things they like, even to keep your thoughts to yourself. You learn to live inside your head, which until now has been the hardest thing to do.

But it's necessary when you're holding onto the headboard of some frat guy's bed while fake moaning as he's holding your hips, going as fast as he can because that's what they do in porn. Each and every guy has a Scarface poster above the bed, or Playboy centerfolds taped to the walls, neon lava lamps on the nightstand along with CDs by Kanye West, Franz Ferdinand, or Velvet Revolver. Your thoughts are elsewhere as you give halfhearted head.

You learn to feel nothing, not even pleasure, because they certainly can't tell that you fake every sigh and gasp.

But the older men, the professors, TA's, even men you meet off campus at the bars in town.. they are what interest you. It's not common for you to find yourself bent over a desk during your professor's office hours, or with your panties around your ankles when a one-on-one study session turns to something else.

You fuck men who remind you of Joel because you can't fuck Joel. It's his hands on you instead of theirs, his breath hot on your ear.. but no one else can fill the part of you that Joel hollowed out for himself when he made you his on a hot Texas summer night.

Though you think about him every day, soon enough, you start to wonder whether he was ever even real, or just someone you made up.

March 2006

Spring Break finds you at a beach house on the coast. The friends you came with are nowhere to be found, and you're pretty sure your drink is laced with something. The music is so loud that you hurry out into the night, seeking solace before the roaring waters of the gulf, black water topped with silver waves. Their rushing sound is soothing, yet you sink to your knees because your world is too heavy.

"I'm dying," you whisper to yourself, crying. Your chest feels tight. It's so hard to breathe, and it feels like your heart will explode.

Only one person on the entire planet comes to mind, and after all this time you still remember his number. You dial it, fingers savoring the press of each button on your phone. How many times have you called Joel and hung up before he could answer? There have been a couple of times when you dialed him while having sex, not sure if he ever picked up, hoping that he heard you moving on and moving away from him. That'll show him.

But you can't even breathe to talk to him. And what if he doesn't answer? What if he's changed his number?

You leave all his numbers entered on the screen but you don't hit the call button. Not yet. You have to think of something to say. Tell him you love him before your body rejects the air it's trying so desperately to claim into your lungs.

"Hey, are you all right?" a gentle voice asks behind you, and a hand is on your shoulder.

You flashback to that night in the alley, the guy who took advantage of you, but this time it doesn't go that way.

A man with soulful eyes and a kind smile kneels next to you, his hand remaining on your shoulder. "I think you're having a panic attack. Can I help you with that?" His voice is as kind and gentle as he looks, and you nod.

"Can you breathe for me? Like this." He inhales deeply and slowly, and when you try it it feels so foreign but you manage it.

"There you go," he says quietly. "Now breathe out.."

Soon he has your breathing back to normal, and you don't have to force your body to do what it naturally does.

"Tell me five things you can see," he continues.

A shaky breath in. Hey, at least it's a breath. "Um.. the water.. the sand.. the moon.. you.."

That's when you get your first good look at him, beyond the smile that works its warmth into your heart, and the eyes that search yours, exuding humanity that you haven't experienced in a long time. He's really cute. You can't deny that your heart skips a couple of beats.

"One more thing?" he says, his voice soft.

You snap back to reality. "Uh.. a ship.. out there in the distance?"

He glances behind him at the water, seeing the great big liner, possibly a cruise ship, on the inky horizon, and takes a seat next to you. "How are you feeling now?" he asks.

"Good.. I think. Better." You nod. "Thank you."

"May I?" he lifts your hand from your lap and turns the palm up, his fingers poised above your pulse point. You nod again.

He presses his touch to your wrist, and you watch his eyes calculating, his lips silently moving while counting. Despite everything you've been through the past two years, this is the most intimate thing you've felt.

"Your pulse is normal." He gently places your hand back on your lap. "Do you want to go back to the party or do you want to stay out here a little longer? If you want to go back," he adds, "I'll be with you, make sure you're okay."

You opt to stay on the beach, embracing the quiet for a little longer. This is the first time a man has had you alone and hasn't tried to fuck you. It's nice, for once.

Towards the end of the night he leads you back to the party house, guiding you through the throng of people there, the air rife with alcohol and the pungent aroma of weed. You're holding his hand, you realize as you walk together. He's your lifeline in this very moment. You grab your jacket and purse from one of the bedrooms, passing by couples making out, some slipping into rooms to do much more than kissing. To think you could have easily ended up there with a random guy makes your skin crawl.

"What was your name again?" you shout to him over the music.

"Justin!"

"Dustin?"

"Justin!"

You both laugh. You tell him your name and of course he mishears you.

He drives you to the small motel room you're sharing with your friends who are inevitably crashing at the beach house, too drugged or drunk or fucked to return for the night.

Justin smiles at you as the engine idles. "Is it okay if I ask you out?"

You exchange numbers, your heart thrumming with a pleasant nervousness. You haven't had a boyfriend since..

..not since Joel.

Don't think about him.

"You can reach out to me if you ever just feel like talking," he says. "I'm here."

So you do, and after a week of texting and a couple of late night calls and getting to know each other, you go for a date for the first time in three years.

Justin picks you up in a Honda Civic, and as you get comfy in the passenger seat you breathe in the scent of the black ice air freshener and his spearmint gum. The radio blasts Smashing Pumpkins at a level you know is too much but it only adds to the excitement of the evening.

He's a year older than you, native to Louisiana, and on leave from the Army.

Living just a half hour from your campus, you start to spend much of your time together. Movie dates, dinner dates, and dates where you just drive around, talking about nothing and everything.

You only sleep with him three months into your relationship, desiring to take things slow for once, to know him better than you have ever known anyone.

It's nice. It's like what you see in the movies, two people wrapped up in each other, soft, no words needed. For once your head isn't forced down into the pillow, or your pussy spit on. For once it's just normal, and normal feels so good.

June 2008 New Orleans, LA

Bourbon Street is alive, electric, no matter that it's a Sunday night. People will drift into work tomorrow still drunk on Zombies and Hurricanes. The entire street reeks of piss, but people either don't care or have been here long enough that it no longer harasses their senses. But more often than not, people are having too much of a good time to care.

You're behind the bar at little hole-in-the-wall place, slinging daiquiris and kamikaze shots when you hear a familiar voice and a tap on your shoulder. "Hey there, Cherry."

You turn and your eyes go wide. "Tommy!" You reach over the bar to hug him, nearly spilling a beer on him in the process. "It's been ages! How are you?

He looks older, more mature, even though it's only been five years since you last saw him: he's letting his facial hair grow, but his eyes still sparkle with mirth and kindness. "It's good to see you, girl." He's no longer with Sofia, their romance having ended a few years before, on friendly terms or so your cousin claimed. You always blamed yourself for the demise of their relationship, believing that your breakup with Joel cast a shadow over her own connection with Tommy.

"What are you doing here?" you ask.

"We're good, just here in town, expanding the business."

"We?" Your hands start to shake, and you put away the bottle of gin you have your grasp on. Your heart starts to pound before the next words even leave his mouth.

"Yeah, me and Joel are lettin' off a little steam, wanted to toss back a few before we go back to the hotel."

You feel his eyes on you before you're even aware that he's here. Looking up, at a small table near the entrance, is Joel Miller. Your heart stops, and you don't know how it is you're still alive. He looks you up and down, appraising every feature and detail about you, and you wonder if you've changed in five years or not. You wonder if he still loves or hates you.

"...and we thought this was that bar where girls dance and pour tequila down guys' throats, but this is just as good 'cause you're here."

Tommy manages to snap you out of your trance. "Oh.. you mean Coyote Ugly.."

"Yeah, they opened one in Austin a couple years back but this one ain't never wanna go nowhere," he motions back with his head to Joel.

You return your gaze to the older brother but he's no longer looking at you, his glance dotting along the crowd, following a younger woman as she saunters up to him, smiling, flirting. Your stomach turns and you force a smile at Tommy.

"Whatever you want is on me."

Tommy's smile and laughter is infectious. "You sure about that, Cherry?"

"I'm sure," you say, pouring out a shot for yourself. "You know, nobody's called me that in a long time."

"What's that?" he catches a bright sparkle on your left hand, and quickly takes it within his own. "Cherry, you didn't tell me you were engaged!"

Joel must have one ear straining to listen because Tommy's outburst got his attention right away and he swivels his head to look at you.

"Yeah.. he's a nice guy." That's how you describe Justin to everyone: he's a nice guy. He'd proposed last year after your one year dating anniversary. "He's in the Army, they're shipping him out a week after our wedding. And I'm going with him."

"He's a good guy if he's an Army man," Tommy approves, just as Joel approaches, the woman he was talking to now gone. "So? Are we invited to the weddin'?"

You can't tell if he's teasing or not, and Joel's poker face gives zero indication as well. "I already sent out save-the-dates, but if you'd like to come I won't object. The more the merrier." For the first time you see Joel up close and your heart stutters, an irregular beat that you'd gotten used to in the aftermath of your disastrous breakup.

He's still so fucking handsome: the dark brown of his hair fading to what you can already see as gray, with gray patches in his beard. There are more lines around his eyes. There's still that jolt of electricity when your gazes meet.

"You happy?" he asks, his countenance giving nothing away of his true feelings, so it's difficult to gage whether he's legitimately asking, or simply being nice.

"I'm happy." But it sounds forced, like taking the pliers to your own mouth to fix your own abscess.

Joel only nods as you pour a couple whiskeys for them. "To Cherry getting married!" Tommy beams his salute and the three of you down the shots quickly.

It's sometime after your shift, and you're in the parking lot with Tommy, his arms around you as he presses you to the side of his truck. Or maybe it's Joel's truck. You don't know and you don't care, all you want is to feel something again. The nearness of Joel all night has rewired your brain, and as Tommy deepens the kiss, you're disappointed that it's not Joel's taste, not Joel's scent that surrounds you. Luckily he's not a bad kisser, and his hands roam everywhere you want them to be.

Better the wrong Miller than no Miller at all, your whiskey-soaked brain tells you.

"Always thought you were pretty," he whispers, hands palming your breasts over your shirt. "But you were Joel's from the moment he set eyes on ya, told me so himself. Leave that one alone, she ain't for you.'"

"He didn't want me enough.." your voice cracks as tears spill effortlessly down your cheeks.

"Don't cry," he says gently. "I don't got any tissues with me." He uses his thumb to wipe away your tears. "Still want me to give you a ride home?"

You nod, telling him you need to make a quick trip to the ladies' room to fix your makeup, and in the narrow hallway where the restrooms are hidden from the rest of the bar, you run into Joel.

"Sorry," you mumble, trying to get around him, but he puts his large hand on your shoulder to stop you.

"You gonna take my brother home and fuck him? Then marry some Army jackass?" he says as in disbelief.

You put your guard up, tougher now than you were five years ago. "What I do is my business. By the way, how's Hailey?"

"Who?"

"Don't play dumb." You push past him and start for the women's room to fix your makeup when Joel stops you again.

"You ain't gonna fuck my brother tonight, or any other night, babygirl," he utters.

There's a fire lit under you now. "Oh? What are you, the Morality Police? Fuck off."

"Fuck me," he says. "You know you want to. You're probably wet from Tommy, and I appreciate his gettin' ya ready for me, but I notice the subtler signs: your eyes are glistenin', you've been lickin' your lips every time you look at me, and you probably haven't noticed, but your nipples are pokin' right through your shirt. I bet they're just beggin' for attention, huh?"

He says all this while just standing in front of you, not crowding you like any other guy would. And you realize he's not even trying to rile you up. He's giving you a choice.

"What makes you think I want you? I have a good man who loves me. He's all I need."

"Needs and wants are different, babygirl. Once you're married you're stuck with him til' death. Hope you realize that."

"I'm aware." But it's already hit you: you'll be with Nice Justin for the rest of your life. You'll be a Nice Wife and maintain a Nice Home for the inevitable Nice Kids you'll have. You hate Joel for putting this thought in your head.

"He fuck you like I did?" he asks in an intimate tone.

You shake your head, already pulling him into the restroom with you. "Joel, no one's ever fucked me like you did."

Your body delights in the quick, sweet reunion with him. It's as if time has never separated you, as if both your hearts are whole again. His mouth greedily devours your kisses. He tastes like whiskey and cigarettes, the latter a bad habit. You're shoved into one of the stalls, fumbling with the lock while Joel's hands find their way across your body, one under your shirt, palming your breast, the other going into your jeans, expertly finding your soaked panties, crooking his fingers into your cunt.

Your back is pressed against his broad chest, his cock already hard inside his jeans, rubbing furiously against your lower back until he bends you forward to press against your ass, finally pulling your jeans and panties down in one go.

Too much time has passed for you to be gentle or even careful. He presses you to the stall door, nothing but heat and raw need between you. Words not needed, your only communication grunts and whispered curses that echo against the tiles of the cramped space.

"You ain't takin' no slow and gentle with me, sugar. i ain't got the patience for that right now." He nudges against you and it's a wonder you don't burn up with all the fire that inflames you. After so long it's a labor of love to fit him again, but as his fingers add pressure to your clit you get wetter, opening for him as easily as you did years ago.

"There she is," he says. "Been waitin' for me, been needin' a real man to fill ya up, ain't ya, babygirl?" he huffs in your ear, breath warm against your skin. "Answer me, baby."

"Yes.." your voice comes out in a hiss, your brain only thinking about his cock, the way it stuffs you, the only thing that completes you.

"That's what I thought. These lil' college boys don't know what to do with such a tight, pretty pussy. And neither does your fiance." He hikes one of your legs up, tucking your knee under his arm, keeping you nice and open, watching himself slide in and out of your weeping slit, slamming himself against you as he sinks his thumb into your puckered asshole, eliciting an all-but muffled gasp from you. "I know you called me just so I could listen to them fuckin' ya.. I know you never came with them, not once. This pussy is mine, has been from the very start."

You're no longer a virginal high school grad, and he takes what he wants from you, giving you what he knows you need.

The door opens but he doesn't stop, just quiets his own noises and clamps his hand over your mouth to squelch your sounds. The stall door jiggles and you put your hand over it until the person grumbles and walks away, muttering about having to piss. When they're gone Joel pumps into you relentlessly, chasing his pleasure and yours. He knows by now what will make you come, which combination of touches and kisses make your knees weak and your clit stand at attention.

"Fucking come for me, you little slut," he whispers, his tone almost loving if you didn't know better, and when you let go the pleasure is almost painful. Years of need and pent-up longing are released as your cunt squeezes around his rigid cock, milking him, smiling when you feel the warm spurt of his come as he presses deep at your cervix.

"That's my girl," he says proudly, your come spilling out already, lining his dick with a mix of both of you. "She's wrecked, split wide open like she's meant to be.. gonna send you back to your man drippin' with my come, used up like a good lil' whore."

His words add a sweet sting to the pleasure that has yet to ebb, resounding through your veins like thunder that takes its time in rolling away from the storm. Whore.. well, he's not wrong.

When your heavy breathing has subsided, you feel him start to slip out of you and you put your hand back on his thigh, a silent gesture to hold off.

"Missed you.. needed you," you mutter, tears of joy and relief and heartache brim in your eyes, until you allow the pleasure of the moment to take over without thought or feeling.

"I know.." he says softly, slipping out of you, careful as you're still sensitive.

That could have been the end. You could have gone your separate ways, but you're drawn to each other, and that doesn't go away easily. When you emerge from the rear entrance of the bar, Tommy looks up, and you can tell he expected that you'd end up with Joel instead. He simply nods as you pass him, walking with Joel to the tiny apartment you share with Justin, who's out of town visiting family. And as you and Joel spend the rest of the night locked in each other's embrace, you realize you don't care if he walks in on you, kicks you out, breaks off the engagement. You're with Joel and nothing else matters.

By dawn you wake up to find that he's gone, leaving only the scent of him on the pillow next to you. No note, no explanation, no goodbye. And once again you're sure you only dreamed up Joel Miller, used him as a mental escape for the life you were tying yourself down to.

It's very atypical for you to forgo a period, even at your most stressed, you can count on seeing that bright red stain on the toilet paper around the middle of every month. And when, by mid-July, you haven't even spotted, the first thing you do is take a pregnancy test.

All the men before have been careful, or you've been fortunate enough not to have a scare. But when you finally force yourself to look at the the little blue plus sign developing on the test strip, you realize this is no scare.

You're pregnant with Joel's baby.

The wedding takes place as expected, and your heart sinks when you walk down the aisle, seeing the joy on Justin's face. You've told him the baby is his, and he doesn't doubt it for a moment, that's how much he loves you. But for a fleeting moment you want so bad for it to be Joel at the altar instead.

The ceremony goes by in a blur, as everyone warned you it would. Group pictures are taken, the videographer is capturing the moments that photos alone can't encapsulate.

"Over here, honey!" photographer gets your attention. You barely hear him as you watch a figure walking out, one of the last guests to leave the church. From behind he looks like Joel, but you can't quite tell, and when your eyes fully focus, he's gone, and your own vision can't be trusted.

Tommy gave his regrets that he couldn't attend, and Joel simply never RSVP'd. But in your heart you know it was him, you know he had to come and see for himself that you're moving on, growing up and growing away from him. The only tether you have to him is the baby growing in your belly.

"Front and center, Mrs. Williams," Justin smirks, giving your cheek a soft kiss. "One more picture then we're onto the reception."

March 2009

Your daughter is born in the springtime, a loud and howling child from the moment she leaves you. The only time she's quiet is when she's in your arms.

"We need to decide on a name," Justin says, a little miffed that his daughter cries when he holds her despite his best efforts to soothe her.

"I told you, I like Ophelia," you say, gathering her into your arms to feed her.

"It's such a prissy name. And I can already tell she's not gonna be prissy."

"Then what do you suggest?" you ask tiredly. He doesn't seem to understand you've gone through labor for twenty four hours, only thinking of himself.

"Eleanor, after my mother."

You groan. "I always hated that name."

"Please, babe. It'll make her so happy to have her granddaughter as her namesake."

"Fine. Fine. But her middle name is Ophelia."

"Deal." Justin smiles as he fills out the paperwork.

"Eleanor.." you tell your baby. "But I'm going to call you Ellie."

Your mother once told you that when you become a parent, your life is not your own anymore. She said it as a kind of warning, a prophecy yet to be fulfilled when you were just a pre-teen, rolling your eyes at her warning you away from all kinds of danger.

You never expected she'd be right. Every waking moment holds more weight than ever before. Ellie is completely dependent on you, even as she grows and becomes more independent. It's you she looks to for validation when she does something right, and you she looks to when she knows she's in trouble.

She's smart as a whip, quick with a comeback and well versed in anything she can get her hands on. She excels in sports too-- individually, at first. As she gets older you notice a little bit of a mean streak in her. While she craves friends and wants to be part of a team, she has trouble making connections sometimes.

You have to wonder if part of that comes from Joel, his stubbornness and his lone wolf tendencies. Has he unknowingly passed down the most insecure parts of himself to his daughter? Sorry, his secondborn daughter?

Now there's literal proof of Joel Miller as a person, in human form, and she's trudging upstairs with her field hockey equipment and slamming her bedroom door.

Between the years of 2004 and 2008 you could almost convince yourself that he didn't exist, that he was a figment of your runaway imagination, born of a father complex and attachment issues. You work on yourself in therapy, feeling small as you divulge the innermost secrets of your heart and the intrusive thoughts, even going so far as to reveal that you've looked for Joel on social media, now that everyone has a profile.

Born of an intrusive thought, you type his name into the search bar on Facebook. Getting quite a few findings of those with the same name, you narrow the search. Joel Miller, Austin Texas His company logo comes up as its own page, and you notice it's changed, probably Tommy's idea as Joel never liked change.

Searching further you find his picture. There it is: Joel Miller, Boston Massachusetts

Huh?

You click on his profile while your heart thumps strongly within your ribcage. You wish you could let it out, set it free.

There he is, looking older than the last time you saw him, the grey more prominent in his hair, looking serious in his selfie. Even though it's just a selfie, a random moment in time, you can't help blushing, as if he's looking at you through the screen, appraising your own measure of aging. You wonder what you were doing that exact moment he took the picture.

But your hunger for knowledge needs to be fed, and scrolling down you swear you misread it at first.

Relationship status: Married

There's a roaring in your ears as your mouse hovers over the name next to those words: Tess Servopoulos

From there you check out her profile, see that she's from Detroit, five years younger than Joel. While his profile pic is only of himself, hers shows them together, on a hiking trail somewhere, Joel's arms around her from behind.

You slam the laptop shut, your blood buzzing in your veins. You feel distractingly alive, the heartache spreading through every muscle and nerve ending. Your past is brought to full fucking focus.

Against your better judgment you open the screen again and search through Tess's photos, specifically the ones of Joel. Most of the comments are from a couple of guys named Bill and Frank, who after some digging you come to find are married, and friends with Joel and Tess. You hit the jackpot when you find a video she uploaded, a fifteen-second clip of Joel holding a baby. Your heart stops when you realize the baby isn't his but Sarah's, and he's now a grandfather.

It feels like you're spying on them. You know so much about them by now, and the one glaring omission is children. They don't seem to have any.

Going back to Joel's profile, you hover the mouse dangerously over the Add Friend button. When you click it, it's the strongest rush you've felt in ages.

Weeks later, he hasn't accepted it. The sparkle of your anticipation is dulled, and with a heavy heart you click to cancel the request.

A couple years down the road you get a notification from Facebook Messenger while you're watching Narcos.

Message Request. Sarah Miller Hey! It's been forever! How are you?

dividers by @saradika-graphics 👑

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#pedro pascal #joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #ao3 fanfic #pedro pascal characters #joel miller smut #pedro boys #joel miller fanfic #joel miller tlou #joel miller x f!reader #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal characters fanfiction #pedro pascal character smut #pedro pascal cinematic universe #ppcu fandom #ppcu fanfiction #ppcu

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bellofthemeadow · 1 year ago

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The Road Ahead - ch 1 | Frankie Morales x Female Reader

Series Masterlist

Next chapter

For most of your married life, you dedicated yourself to waiting for Frankie. After each deployment, you patiently awaited his return, longing for the moment when he would be by your side again. During those nights when nightmares consumed his thoughts, you yearned for him to open up to you, hoping that he would find solace in sharing his pain. And as his addiction spiraled out of control, you held onto the hope that he would recognize his problem and seek help. However, despite your countless protests and pleas, you now find yourself waiting for him once more as he ventures off to Colombia, engaged in God knows what.

But this time is different. Determined, you make a solemn promise to yourself: You will never wait for Frankie again.

Rating: M for Mature (18 + no minors allowed)

Word Count: 2.8K

Warning: Applicable for the entire fic / PTSD, drug use and addiction, postpartum depression, abusive familial relationships, self-hatred, unhealthy coping mechanism, explicit sexual content, violence, mentions of suicidal thoughts, super angsty

Chapter Summary: Now that Frankie is finally home for good, you can start looking to the future

Notes: Welcome everyone! This is a repost from my former blog "mywordhaven" Because of some technical difficulties with my old account, I decided that it would be easier to repost my work with a brand-new blog. It's basically the same chapter as the last one, but I did make some edits (mostly syntax tbh). I will be posting the other two chapters later tomorrow and the fourth chapter should be up on sunday.

I hope that those who were following me on my old blog will join me here and I look forward to meeting newcomers!

At Long Last

You find yourself drowning in the itchiness of the comforter draped across you. Its green, worn fabric scratches your overwhelmingly sensitive skin. Surprisingly, today you welcome this sensation. The uncomfortable feeling anchors your mind to your bed, preventing it from floating away. In this moment, as you struggle to catch your breath, the scratchiness of the duvet reminds you where you are.

Your hands glide slowly across the rough fabric, savouring its familiar prickle. As you trace the worn contours, you recall when you saw that green monstrosity for the first time— It was the day you and Frankie had first moved in together all those years ago, right before his second long deployment. From the moment your eyes landed on it, you despised its discoloured hue as it clashed with your envisioned home's colour scheme. But you had kept silent. Frankie was leaving, and you didn't want your last moments together marred by a pointless argument over a green bedspread, no matter how dreadful it looked.

Now, ten years, 2 home relocations and a marriage later, that green duvet stubbornly remains an integral part of your bedroom decor, painfully clashing with the soothing blues surrounding it. Cornflower Blue, as the Home Depot employee had labelled it. You had agonized for days on which colour to go with, tirelessly checking Pinterest boards in the hope to find the perfect shade for your bedroom— A place you hoped would be a peaceful haven for Frankie. You spent weeks deliberating between countless swatches until finally settling on the current hue. Still, the horrid green persistently clashes with the blue you lovingly chose. Perhaps sage green would have been wiser, you think. But you had refused to admit defeat to an old, worn duvet and instead, had stubbornly gone with your first idea, horrid green be damned! But now, to your frustration, the bedroom remains an enduring battleground of colours, an ongoing struggle where different shades vie for supremacy in their quest to dominate the mood of the room.

Yet Frankie had never commented on the jarring combination of green and blue or their blatant mismatch. Perhaps you were making a mountain out of Molehill as you always seem to do. After all, your tendency to dramatize insignificant matters had been a subject of teasing within your family for as long as you could remember. Your brother had a habit of remarking on how seriously you took trivial matters. For your entire lives, nicknames like "Miss Prissy" or "Your Majesty" had been some of the less painful monickers thrown your way to highlight your over-sensitiveness. And while your family saw it as innocent sibling teasing, these remarks had a way of leaving you feeling bruised, unable to brush the comments off as easily as everyone expected you to.

Your hands pause above your bare, sweat-dampened chest, shaking your head to dispel the unwelcomed and intrusive thoughts. Instead, you focus on the blissful moment you’ve just shared with your husband. The memory of that bothersome, green eyesore and all its associated baggage swiftly retreats from your mind, vanishing as fleetingly as it arrived.

Finally, you begin to feel like the easy joys of savouring life are within your reach. With Frankie by your side, you start to envision a newfound freedom to engage in playful bickering, loud laughter, and sheer enjoyment of each other. The mundane moments hold an allure like never before, beckoning you to revel in their ordinary beauty. It's a longing for a life that seems quintessentially American, relentlessly depicted on daytime television—an idyllic portrait of a family, complete with devoted parents and their brood of 2.5 children, nestled in a cozy backyard. PTA meetings, a simple 9-to-5, soccer practices after school, and piano lessons on weekends create the repetitive rhythm of this picture-perfect existence. In your vision, the pinnacle of concern revolves around selecting the ideal flowers for the summer flowerbed. While some may deem it mundane, for you, it represents an exquisite slice of paradise.

Your husband Frankie had gone through years of military service, and he deserves nothing less, you think. Your hands still from their exploration as you think on the nightmares, anxiety, and fear that would consume Frankie. Even here with you, it sometimes felt as though he was still back there, never truly able to be completely present. Like on those many nights when Frankie was on temporary leave, he would wake up screaming and trashing in the middle of the night covered in cold sweats. Or when you guys would be out and about, and his eyes would shift with practiced zeal as if he was assessing for possible threats. Never really “turning off”. No amount of sweet reassuring words were ever able to soothe him when he found himself stuck within his own mind. Every time you tried to discuss these concerns with him, your husband would respond with calm reassurances, followed by a tender kiss on your forehead, urging you not to worry about him.

You shake your head, a resolute movement meant to, again, brush away the intrusive thoughts lingering on the periphery, refusing to let them dim this precious moment. You shift your gaze, fixating on the horizon of possibilities that stretches before you. It is a horizon where love acts as a healing balm, gently tending to the myriad wounds etched upon your husband's past. Your heart, though cautiously guarded, brims with a glimmer of hope, eager to embark on this journey together.

However, despite your best efforts, thoughts of your mother insidiously infiltrate your mind. Over the years, you've clashed with her on countless occasions, yet now, as a married woman, you think back on her warning before you got married. The resonating echo of her stern voice lingers in your thoughts, admonishing you to unwaveringly stand by your husband, regardless of the circumstances, and emphasizing that his happiness must always take precedence over everything else. Strangely, she never mentioned the reverse. With Frankie's return, you resolve to be more present, leaving daydreams behind and focusing on him and solely on him.

As you think of Frankie, you can clearly see his body and how it bears the evidence of his service, a map of scars, some worn openly, while others hide beneath his weary flesh. Deep wounds that bleed and pain him more than any bullet ever could. Words alone seem insufficient in the face of everything he has sacrificed. But now, Frankie is finally home, all of this is behind you two. And isn't all this what marriage vows were meant for? In sickness and in health, through the lows and the highs, you pledged to be there. As you remind yourself, supporting your husband doesn't diminish your strength and independence. It's merely an expression of love and partnership, you firmly resolve, even though the words ring somewhat hollow, as a voice in the back of your mind whispers, "But what about you?"

You slowly redirect your attention to the persistent itchiness on your skin. Taking three deep breaths, you allow each inhale and exhale to anchor you firmly into the present. As the air fills your lungs, you feel your shoulders slowly ease from the tension you always seem to put yourself under.

Now that Frankie is here to stay, you want nothing else than to provide the emotional solace and respite he needs to rebuild and find peace within himself. After everything Frankie has endured, you decide that he deserves a life that is predictably dull yet safe and warm. You want to build that life for him.

As your imagination runs rampant with visions of the life you're now free to construct together, Frankie emerges in the doorway. Clad in nothing more than a familiar, well-worn pair of briefs, he exudes an aura that is unmistakably his own—a blend of warmth, comfort, and a sense of home. In that instant, as you gaze at each other, it feels as though every small longing you held during Frankie's absence has converged into this singular moment. Nothing else matters to you right now except being with him.

In Frankie's hands, he carefully balances a tray, on it a tall glass of ice-cold water adorned with glistening condensation. The hunger stirs within you and your gaze falls upon two perfectly crafted PB and J sandwiches, invitingly prepared. It's evident that even now, the precise conditioning instilled by the army remains ingrained in Frankie. The unwavering precision, tidiness, and discipline persist, even amidst post-coital bliss. Sloppily prepared sandwiches? Never on Frankie’s watch.

Fondness envelops your heart, causing it to flutter with an intensity that threatens to burst from your chest. At this moment, a culmination of experiences floods your mind—the countless sleepless nights spent anxiously awaiting a call, the fear that gripped you while scouring the news for any shred of information, and Frankie's inability to share the depths of what he went through all race to the forefront of your mind. Now, as you reminisce about those moments when others would claim that being with Frankie wasn't worth the pain or hardships, a profound sense of satisfaction fills your heart. You're grateful for having ignored their words, as every single challenge and difficulty encountered along the way—the long-distance separations, the emotional uncertainties, and the sacrifices made—has ultimately proven to mean something. A smile mirrors your own overwhelming happiness as Frankie starts to walk toward the bed.

"I thought you'd have an appetite after all that exercise," Frankie says, his voice laced with a playful tone. His eyes, warm like melted chocolate, cradle you in their soft gaze. They speak volumes, no words needed, telling you just how much he cares.

A mischievous smile tugs at the corners of your lips as you playfully quip, "Guess it doesn't help that we skipped dinner either, huh?"

"I apologize, mi cielo. I suppose I let my excitement get the better of me," Frankie admits, a touch of boyish bashfulness colouring his tone. "After eight long months apart, how could you expect me not to pounce on you, especially when you look so breathtaking?"

With utmost care, Frankie gently places the tray on the tiny side table, taking special care to move aside the book you're currently engrossed in. With the task completed, he turns his gaze towards you, slowly making his way to your side. Your eyes lock, and in an instant, he tenderly captures your mouth with his own. The kiss is unhurried yet filled with an intense passion, a promise of all that is to come, a fulfillment of the multitude of promises you have made to each other. Now, you have all the time in the world to embrace those promises.

As the kiss deepens, Frankie's hands begin to explore your naked body, their touch igniting a fiery desire that resonates deep within you. It engulfs you in a passionate longing that intensifies with each passing second. Frankie's wandering hands halt at your hips, where he gently strokes your sides while deepening the kiss even further. Breaking the kiss, he presses his forehead against yours, both of you breathing heavily, his warm breath mingling with your own. A playful glimmer dance in Frankie’s brown eyes as he firmly grabs your hips, effortlessly flipping you both into the deep plushness of the bed.

A delighted squeal escapes your throat, and you find yourself on top of Frankie, straddling his warm hips. His devilish smile meets your gaze. Like a tidal wave, a rush of excitement cascades through you, electrifying your senses and igniting newfound energy within.

"I thought we were supposed to have dinner," you playfully tease, your hands resting on the firm planes of his pectorals.

Frankie's eyes glisten mischievously as he responds, his voice filled with playful affection, "Don't worry, hermosa. Dinner can wait another minute. Right now, all I want to do is admire you." With a tender touch, he grabs a handful of the fleshy part of your hips, gently massaging your sides. His voice carries on, laced with adoration, "You know, this angle is my favourite. When I see you from above, naked, and sweaty, you look like my very own Amazon. My fierce warrior queen whom I can’t wait to worship." His grip tightens possessively, playfully swatting your behind, causing your flesh to softly jiggle.

You can't help but snort with amusement, firmly grinding down in a slow sensuous movement Frankie exhales a low moan, his eyes closing in pleasure. Yielding to the temptation, you momentarily cease your ministrations and whisper, "Well, last time I checked, librarians weren't renowned for their battle prowess.”

Frankie's smile stretches, his eyes opening and locking with yours, while his hands gently secure your hips. His soft voice echoes sweetly, "Physical prowess is just a fraction of true strength, mi cielo. It's a mindset, a spirit that radiates courage and perseverance. Believe me when I tell you, you possess that strength in a way that surpasses anyone I've ever encountered."

His words envelop you in a comforting embrace that floods your being with warmth. Reflected in his eyes is an unwavering conviction, a faith given to you unlike any you've experienced before. Such belief, one you've never even held for yourself, captivates you. The weight of his words resonates deeply, shaking the core of your being, even as you strive to maintain a facade of nonchalance. But Frankie effortlessly sees through your charade, knowing you better than he knows himself at this point. He slowly pushes his upper body upward and starts peppering your collarbones with tender kisses. You feel your cheeks heating as you shyly avert your gaze, unable to resist the sweetness of his praise and the even sweeter ministration.

A brief moment passes, during which you nibble on your lower lip, contemplating your next words. Finally, you muster the courage to meet Frankie's eyes once more, you push him back down on the mattress and ask, a mischievous glint shining in your eyes, "If I am to be your queen, does that mean you're willing to obey my every command?”

A playful smile dances on Frankie's lips as he replies, "Well, mi cielo, let's just say I'm more than willing to embark on the thrilling adventure of fulfilling your every desire, one command at a time." With those words, Frankie softly grabs your right arm, the very arm that had been holding him down, and he punctuates each word with a tender kiss upon the palm of your hand. As he does so, his eyes gently close, allowing his lips to linger in their affectionate embrace, locked in that sweet moment.

Frankie surrenders to the present, savouring every precious second that slowly passes between the two of you. The ache of longing for you these past months had been insurmountable, a void that only you could fill. Amidst his world engulfed in chaos, pain, and the remanence of a haunting trail of death that seemed eternally imprinted on his very being, your presence at his side has always been the sole beacon of meaning and coherence. The only thing that ever truly mattered to him. Screw everything else; he should have chosen to stay home long ago, before feeling trapped in the abyss he felt he had dug himself into over the years. In an attempt to dispel the encroaching darkness threatening to envelop him, Frankie inhales deeply, pushing away those grim thoughts, before swiftly flipping you over.

Everything else fades away again, and only the two of you remain. As you draw in a deep breath, the air fills your lungs with a trembling intensity, causing a burning sensation. Your chest tightens, not just from the weight of Frankie's presence, but also from the weight of everything that surrounds you, suffocating you in its bittersweet grasp. Tenderly, Frankie gently presses his nose against yours, once, twice, before planting a soft kiss upon its tip.

“My love, I assure you that nothing can ever come between us. There is nothing that could separate me from you. I belong to you for eternity, and as long as I can share my life with you, my dear, it will have been a life worth living, mi cielo.”

Your eyes well up with tears, and with a quiver in your voice, you whisper, "I love you, Frankie."

"Te amo, mi cielo, te amo para siempre," he replies, his words carrying the weight of a vow between you two.

With intertwined fingers and hearts overflowing with love, you gaze into each other's eyes. As you lie there, wrapped in the afterglow of passion, you savour the tranquillity and completeness that permeates the room. You vow to cherish each day, to embrace the ordinary moments that always become extraordinary when you are with Frankie. Together, you will face the world with open hearts, ready to create this future you’ve always yearned for with Frankie. As Frankie peppers kisses down your throat, you smile, and a shuddering breath escapes you. Food can wait you think giddily. Your hands gently glide along the broad expanse of his back, savouring him in all his glorious being. Nothing else matters now, for Frankie is home.

#reposted from my old blog #welcome to my new blog!#fanfic #fanfiction #a03 #archive of our own #pedro pascal fandom #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro boys #pedro pascal characters #triple frontier #triple frontier fic #francisco morales #frankie morales #frankie catfish morales #francisco catfish morales #frankie morales x reader #frankie morales fanfic #francisco morales x reader

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plumsaffron · 2 months ago

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The ML Crossover Methfics seriously are a whole different breed of insanity. Lmfao gotta love that insult of yours.

For people who claim to be Marinette stans they sure wrote a tonne of nonsensical fics making her out to be an abuse victim. A “poor me” or “woe is me” story.

I don’t really like Lila but I honestly hate the ML salt community even more. Especially what happened to that poor Lila fan… I mean she’s just a fictional character, they didn’t have to be that explosive about her. Miracucunts really do ruin everything they touch… and unable to see themselves for what they’ve done on the online spaces. Absolutely disgusting that they’d hate on an emotionally abused victim using the excuse that he wasn’t physically abused and that he’s just a spoiled rich white boy.

Yea, the DP phandom is usually chill even after I stopped following their users and tags to this day. For a mediocre show, they surprisingly came out with a civilized community. Even with the Sam Manson critique to hatred, I don’t see these people harassing anyone who likes her. It’s the Stans that sometimes do it despite the evidence showing that Sam is better off with someone else similar to her. Even with several crossover fics, they’re still quite bearable and civilized. Because some people actually did their fucking research. Or even if they didn’t do much in-depth research, their “OOC” fics are sometimes more “in character” than the ML saltfics.

Though I totally understand why some people are anti-crossover fanfic thanks to the miracubitches and other fandom twats ruining things with extreme character hate and assassinations.

This is my assumption but I think the TVTropes staff and their fans are lowkey control freaks not just oversensitive idiots. Maybe that’s why my scathing review was a “little too cruel” for their liking on the rated E franchise. Maybe only long time active users on their side are allowed to edit and add content. Yet mature dark canon stuff is allowed to stay on their site while opposing actual harmless criticism, opinions and reviews are silenced. Or users being suspended… I clicked on anti TVTropes here and saw a decade old post saying that the site doesn’t allow people to have different opinions. And I thought to myself, “Damn, I shouldn’t have signed up back then, should’ve listened to other people’s experiences on that wasted potential site.”

AO3 is literally the few places where you can get away with a controversial but still harmless opinion in your profile and fic notes/summary. And the chances of being dogpiled are very low but never zero if your work is inspired by a “controversial” person who did say something many years ago and/or didn’t handle a touchy subject matter that well in their works. But now ppl are bringing it up even though that “controversial” person isn’t really bad just had different views back then due to their upbringing or smth. Or the fic just seen as very disturbing despite the warning labels.

heh heh thanks.

Yeah lotta Marinette Dupain Cheng stans making or drinking them fics are oxymorons.

I don’t mind you not liking Lila but yeah the Miraculous Ladysalt community is deplorable (and a better thing to hate), along with their death driving charade. Still, despite that demise of that fan of hers, it just wasn’t enough to make them rethink how far they've gone.

Plaguedom’s plaguing dementality flourishes and there’s pretty much nothing that can be done to stop it. So many unfortunately may blindy eat their tumors, while next to none are there to warn them to not consume the plaque.

Ah these miracushits don’t know that his life sucks. Heck even in Miraculous Rise Of The Sphinx game, Max Kante told him exactly how little time he has during the day commonly. These miraculous roaches love jigsawing what happens to fit things into their own unfittable puzzle they believe fits now. They don’t know that that’s Gabriel’s money? Any decision he makes is if his father allows it or if it follows his father’s interests. Otherwise it’s gonna be a no or his father will find a way to make Adrien feel bad about it. They don’t know that he determines and pretty much controls his future or fate (yeah yeah currently it’s Nathalie, his other fugly controller now, but whatever).

How do these fools jump into the conclusion of reducing him to he’s spoiled rich white boy? Perhaps I should say, why do they do this to him and why are they like this to Adrien? Dude ain’t even someone to be truly or really triggered upon. Adrien, despite his sucky, and still currently sucky life, he’s not spoiled. And even if he was spoiled, why is that treated as an awful thing? Heck I’m still pretty spoiled. Is this really the best they can come up with? This the best Miracucks can do to someone that’s pretty much good to others and not a problem causers or not a person seeking to be in a realm of ramifications of future conflicts? Like hello, he is made to do a lot of crap he doesn’t like, and to be next to flawless. He doesn’t like being trapped in the mansion, he likes hanging out with his friends. Sigh miracuscabs always gotta find a way to reduce and arrange anything for putdown purposes to leech over. Man… I just searched him earlier on here and one of the results on the feed was a salt prompt for Adrien blog. *Sighs*

MMM research, ML Salt fics usually never never never never never

Yep and Miracubitches and them other fandung beetles like ruination while also not just harboring legendary levels of character loathing and assassinating, these buttwipes mastered the art of sniping their own character without even knowing.

Yeah it’s possible and unfortunate of them TVTropes Staff Members and their purposeful pathetic pickiness. Sometimes searching "anti something," can show something unordinary or a different perspective compared to the masses (or casuals that might be lucky). Maybe showing that you aren’t completely alone with such experiences or feelings of stuff. You live and learn.

Well at least A03 is safe sort of for now. But that is disgusting when people use someone’s past takes and rally up some virus to attack one in the present because they can’t handle it or maybe the current time in society sees this thing in the past as unacceptable. Or they just want to. It’s just sigh. Finding worth to cause problems on what was never worth it to begin with because ignoring is inconceivable.

Like ugh… Imagine someone calls a person a scrub 5 years ago in a story or whatever. Then someone 5 years later took offense and felt personally attacked cause of that word cause they see it as an offense to their self or their gender or whatever group of collective gender or whatever. And so the triggered one condemns this person that said scrub from the past and ganders a cult of clowns using the past against the present. Context don’t matter, the triggered ones feel victimized while ironically going out their way to victimize the one of the present. All cause they were offended so badly over a minor inconvenience. Bonus, these scabies treat who they attack as if that was always who they are or were or will be.

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krowspiracyanon · 7 months ago

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Yeah, it seems NSFW art tutorials are or have been targeted?

In curiosity I went through a number of links. I tried to click one simply labeled 'male anatomy' and got hit with an impassable 'sensitive content' wall.

Deleting the specific post part from the url to go to the blogs home allowed me to click past a 'mature content' warning, but on trying to view the archive I got hit with another impassible 'sensitive content'. Googled the blog, hit images and it's just a run of the mill blog with posts about hands and eyes.

Found a reblog of the censored post. https://whittertwitter.tumblr.com/post/59804727535/male-anatomy-reference-post

It's a text only list of links with descriptions, only two of which were NSFW, and those links are broken anyway because the original posts are gone. Don't tell me that's what got the entire blog flagged.

Edit: lol most of the SFW links in the forbidden link are met with the 'sensitive content' wall too.

Others on bellies and 'hot guy with bow' are also gone.

I'm not big on explicit nudity and don't draw NSFW but I think Tumblr is being ridiculous.

#ksa caws #art caws

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nightswithkookmin · 4 years ago

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IS JIKOOK REAL?

In light of everything that's happened over the course of the month: Taekook in the Soop, the missing birthday post on Jimin's birthday and the following silence that's ensued in its aftermath- we are all still waiting for Jimin's birthday VLive; every Jikook fan past and present, deep and shallow, I feel, is left wondering whether Jikook was ever as real as bigfoot and the Easter bunny, a figment of our imagination. Is Jikook real, we all wonder.

Now, I can't answer the later with Vim and Vigor without opening myself up to all kinds of law suits under the sun- I don't care much for the skepticism and ridicule that usually follows. Nor can I in good conscience come out here and outrightly out these two that I feel are in fact a couple and dating. That would be very hypocritical of me.

The best I can do in this instance is to stream my consciousness and share with you why I believe them to be a couple? Let the records show, I am full on delusional. *smiling.

I think when it comes to Jikook the universal consensus within the fandom is that they have a really special bond. We can all agree on that much. Their bond is unique and just plain beautiful; the days of disclarity and obscurity over whether they even like each other long gone.

Thus I refrain from indulging in any conversation that calls to question the intentions of either party towards the other when either act in a certain way that most find displeasing. Such as, questions about why JK didn't promote Promise or Friends, why he didn't wish JM a happy birthday. Is Jk envious of Jimin or vice versa, etc.

Such questions as simple and as innocuous as they may seem are always hard for me to answer. JK promoted Promise, had the funniest reaction video to it. He promoted Lie, every chance he got with teasing Jimin's dance moves in Lie, literally had a gun to Jimin to perform Lie in run and that hand on his heart said it all. Is that not promotion enough?

We heard serendipity, you are me, I am you and the many tireless times JK has talked about it- he won't shut up about it. What more does he need to do to show he loves and supports Jimin's career?

I find when people ask these kinds of questions that they are operating on the mentality that JK doesn't love Jimin *enough* or worse that Jikook ought to love each other in a certain kind of way, their own arbitrary ways and to their own satisfaction.

I keep reiterating that this is their love and their relationship. Ours is just to observe how they are choosing to express that love for eachother and uWu while we are at it. Lol

That's not to say that we shouldn't have certain expectations of them if we believe them to be a couple. Expectations are important and necessary to sustaining our belief in them as a couple. But that expectation should be reasonable and should be determined by the patterns of behavior we see in them towards eachother, towards the group and with consideration to their values, culture and beliefs- stay with me.

If our expectations of them is that they are not loving eachother enough or in a way that satisfies and appeases our spirits then that's no longer expectations. That's projecting.

Thus, I'm often discombobulated by the questions i recieve on the quality of love they express towards each other because quality is relative and highly subjective.

Jikook only have so much room to express their love and affection for eachother since they are not out yet and so we may not fully be privy to the extent of the love they express for each other much less to ascertain its quality.

The space they inhabit is a working space and when the cameras turn on it is work and business...

That being said, what they are not doing within this constricted space they have is equally as important as what they are doing within this space. Whereas questions of the quality of their love is irrelevant, to me as an Alt shipper at least, I find questions of the degree of love between them highly important.

Jikook's special bond is indisputable. The conflict then has always been about labels, whether or not that bond they share is purely platonic, romantic or something in between- the degree of love between them.

And I see there are different schools of thought on this matter. There are those who operate on the assumption that Jikook are just special friends and reserve the possibility that they could be something more to them.

Then there are those who believe they are real or could be real but reserve the possibility that they could also not be real.

These are the conventional shippers. They play it safe. Good for them. But then there are the full on delulu folks such as myself who are risk takers and go all in or nothing- alternative shipping.

To me Jikook is real or I am not shipping them in the way that I ship them at all. Lol. Chileee, I prefer Yoonmin, Minimoni, Jihope, Vmin, Jinminkook, Vminkook as conventional ships for fun and what not. Jikook has always been that alternative ship for me.

And as an alternative ship, what Jikook do for eachother is equally as important to me as what they do not do for eachother. If Jikook are real then I think it's imperative that we have reasonable expectations of them in the way that they behave with eachother, enough to distinctify them as a couple within the group.

Couples are expected to behave in a certain way marked and defined by the couples themselves but that also set them apart nonetheless. Some people choose to be in an open relationship, may be friends with benefit etc but will still exude certain patterns of behavior definitive in itself that it distinguishes them from mere friends.

If Jikook are a couple they will define their relationship in a way that sets a standard for them such that this standard sets them apart from the rest of the group. And I think I have mentioned some of those standards as intimacy, speaking eachothers love language, exclusivity and the right to claim amongst others.

Yes JK loves JM and vice versa but are they loving eachother as friends or lovers? What are the patterns of behavior they put up or not put up to distinctify themselves as a couple within the group if they are one?

Yes Taekook are friends, but are they putting up distinctive characteristics that set them apart from Jikook? The answer is a resounding no- atatattatatatat, no buts. I'll bitch slap you. Lol

Tae cuddles Jimin and shares a bed with him but that is ok because they are besties soulmates. Vmin cute. Tae cuddles JK and suddenly the fandom is in uproar? Chilee, what's y'all on?

This is why I shy away from conventional shippers- well, some. The tendency they have to dismiss certain certain moments when they happen or import standards into Jikook's dynamics based on their own understanding of intimacy and romance without taking into consideration what Jikooks understanding of romance and intimacy is baffles me.

These are the people who would scream why is Jimin blowing kisses at Suga here, why is Jk cuddling Tae there without considering whether skinship with others is a deal breaker for Jikook. JK does skinship with Jin, Tae and suddenly they are questioning whether Jikook is real- I really can't relate.

If skinship is not a deal breaker for Jikook then such reactions to moments like these are nothing but censorship of JK and Jimin's behaviors and goes to question the quality of their love which as I said is irrelevant to the determining of the realness of Jikook.

If you think these skinship they do with others are disrespectful towards eachother then indirectly you are saying Jikook's relationship is toxic- but toxic relationships are still relationships and so that doesn't invalidate Jikook's relationship or disprove it.

If you expect JM to behave in a certain way because you think he is in a relationship with JK or vice versa that is no longer reasonable expectations of them but blatant censorship.

Put censorship aside, the question of the quality of their relationship aside, our own personal idiosyncrasies aside and hopes- what do you see?

REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS

I mentioned above how it's imperative to have reasonable expectations of Jikook if you believe them to be a real couple because without these expectations Jikook is no different from any other ship in BTS.

I talked about what constitutes reasonable expectations though and attempted to outline what doesn't count as reasonable expectations but allow me to shed more light on it for the sake of dissolving any ambiguity around the term.

Unreasonable expectations are those expectations we have that result in us questioning the validity of Jikooks relationship without cause. They often result in us assuming something is wrong between Jikook because we feel there is something we ought to see in their interactions because we are used to seeing them in Jikook dynamics.

Unreasonable expectations is drilled in us by false conditionings. Some of these false conditionings are external to Jikook, such as our exposure to analysis videos or edited videos. They often condition us to think Jikook are in BTS to screw eachother seven ways through the roof all year round. We tend to forget quickly that when the cameras turn on it's all work for them.

The worst part is, we get used to the slowed down gazes, the two seconds lingering stares and touches that go on for minutes in these edited videos and so whenever we are exposed to actual content from BigHit in real time we feel JK didn't stare too long, JM didn't laugh at JK's Jokes therefore something is wrong.

Some false conditionings are induced in us by Jikook themselves.

Take for instance, Jimlous and Jeonlous. Are these something to be considered reasonable expectations for us to have of Jikook because we see them do this all the time? Absolutely not.

While jealousy is an integral part of the Korean dating culture- allegedly, it is subject to the mental state, personal values and growth of Jikook.

As they mature, they may outgrow certain behaviors not limited to Jimlous/Jeonlous. It is thus unreasonable to expect these of Jikook all the time.

Coupled with long exposures to edited videos, we soon become conditioned to expect Jk or Jimin to react strongly to when the other seemingly crosses boundaries with others- aka skinship.

If you expect JK to pout each time Jimin smiles at another member and they don't, it simply means you are stuck in the past and aren't growing with them on their love journey. It doesn't mean something is wrong with Jikook or that Jikook is not real.

That doesn't mean Jeonlous is not important. It is a distinctifier. In my opinion.

Jikook are able to enforce boundaries with each other because they have the right to. I keep saying they are the only pair in BTS that has and exercise this right of claim over eachother. Jimlous/ Jeonlous is how we know they feel a boundary has been crossed and depending on the situation or environment they would often exercise that right of claim.

I have said, the only times I feel they don't and can't exercise this right of claim is if they are not a couple and just friends- when they are broken up. I saw this because even in official settings they seem to have this right of claim even if they are not exercising it.

What I'm trying to say is certain behaviors and patterns of behavior in Jikook are distinctifiers in that they set them apart from the other pairs and those distinctifiers can be reasonably expected of Jikook and so if we don't see those in them- over a period of time mind you, then questions and brows ought to be raised as high up as possible. If Jikook is not real then frankly I want to know. I'm not about to believe in bigfoot.

What I'm saying basically is, whereas Jeonlous and Jimlous are not a distinctifier perse as such shouldn't be reasonably expected of them, right of claim is a distinctifier and should be reasonably expected.

Skinship is not a distinctifier- if I have to repeat this one more time I swear to god imma wield JK's pan on y'all. Lol but deadass.

Now, is JK wishing JM a happy birthday openly on social media reasonable expectation? Come now, Y'all don know I had a complete meltdown over this on my TL. Of course I'm gone bring it up. Lol

Jikook wishing eachother a happy birthday on social media is reasonable expectations to have if it is a distinctifier or something that sets Jikook apart from the rest of the members. Is it? The answer is a flat ass no.

I mentioned that one of the reasons I believe Jikook is real is because I feel out of all the pairs in BTS they are the ones that speak eachother's love language.

Jimin loves to be made to feel special. Jk makes Jimin feel special. I mean he did gift JM a present without doing same for the others so it's safe to assume he gives Jimin special treatment on his birthdays- as should he. Mr Park set the standards high for his man.

Y'all know I was on my personal agenda with this whole JM birthday thingy. I was hoping Jk was going to post but only for Jimin and make a statement with it- a girl can dream.

The fact that he didn't post doesn't mean he didn't make JM feel special on his birthday. Had JM and BTS not talked openly about JK buying JM a present when he didn't do that for the others, frankly we wouldn't have known he ever did that for JM.

It sort of leaves you wondering what goes on behind the cameras. I mean if memories 2019 is anything to go by, Jikook is closer than we think.

Jikook show us a lot but there are a lot more we don't see.

In their early dynamics he used to do alot for JM that he seemed uncomfortable showing openly. We only knew of those moments through Jimin who seemed giddy and excited about them and would often overshare those information.

Personally, I feel whatever they did for Jimin on his Birthday is going to show up in a Bangtan Bomb or something in the future.

Due to BTS' inability to hold physical concerts due to the virus, I feel BigHit are on an agenda to increase demand and patronage for BTS content online by creating scarcity and making BTS less available and accessible- demand and supply, economics 101. They ain't slick. Bless them.

Social media is an outlet for Jikook. In my opinion. It is one of the means through which they express themselves individually and as a couple. But it's my understanding that Jikook use these outlets in different ways.

While JK uses it as an outlet to express his feelings because of his introvertedness, Jimin uses it as a means to connect with his fans and build their platform.

What I mean is, if JK is feeling happy he is going to come on here and tweet, cup of milk let's rock and roll. When Jimin doesn't pick up his calls, he's gonna come here and tweet it's hard to love. And when JinMin leave him out of a VLive he's gone drag his man's ass to film an impromptu live with him- bless him.

Jimin I find doesn't show up on social media on impulse as JK does- we all know what happens when he does. Thats when the multiple tweets and misspelled names roll in.

Jimin's presence online is often curated, in my opinion. He will often make time to talk and share his thoughts and feelings with Army to connect with them. It's the quality time love language bit in him.

Together, they use social media as an outlet to tease their relationship as a means to relieve the stress that comes with hiding their relationship. Their relationship. They do this through the flirty banter thingy they do on line- posting after eachother, responding to each other's messages etc.

An example is the recent Weverse thingy JK did which I posted about. And more recently, the D5/D4 posts they shared on Twitter where JK posted a picture of his mic on stage, an Army Logo and a purple heart. Which together read, JK purple's Army.

Jimin responded with a complimentary post of himself performing in a black and white photo with the hashtag Jimin, I miss Army. Now you don't need me to tell you what that means and if you think it's a coincidence- sorry to you.

When JK does these things, he is often connecting with Jimin, reaching out. Not every post he sends is about Jimin or intended for Jimin. I find usually the ones that are about Jimin, Jimin responds to them through his own posts or that they will have something in them that indirectly points to Jimin.

Like the 123 song recommendations or even recently the pinky ring, sky and cup of milk photo he posted after his birthday VLive.

A lot of people kept saying perhaps the chrome heart ring he wore on his pinky was a gift from Jimin. It could be. But I think the pinky was reference to the pinky ring Joke he shared on stage when he took Jimin's ring and put it on his pinky.

The blue sky reference, well... you know. But I was more concerned about the blurred out yet visible tags on the buildings in the background- this is weird for me to say out loud but I felt the message of that post was we are not hiding. Don't mind me.

Jimin loves to flaunt their bond and flex it on social media. He gets giddy and excited when Jk shows his affections, interest and attraction to him.

I have said JK and JM have two different personalities and while often Jimin is loud, open and overwhelmingly affectionate, JK is equally intense with his affections but at his choosing. They both have intense feelings and passions for eachother but they express it in different ways due to their different personalities.

Jikook are together but they are on their own unique personal journeys of growth as well. And as much as they start certain traditions, they also end certain traditions. This is especially true for JK.

He is the one who started their 123 coded flirty banter and he is the same person who ended that tradition with the ending scene post he shared on Twitter.

Because JK likes to retract and conceal aspects of himself, often I value and pay more attention to the things he does share than the things he don't.

And because Jimin is very loud and forward with his expressions, I value and lay attention to the things he does not share more so than the things he shares.

Often I hear people say Jimin acts the same with everyone, he is so openly affectionate so certainly his love for JK doesn't go beyond platonic feelings nor can it be exclusive to JK.

That's just the thing with JM's persona. It is so loud it blurs the line between his true self and his idol self.

The boy in love with Jungkook is a facade. That is the role Jimin took on at debut. If you don't know this you've been played. If you dislike JK's brand of love, his way of expressing his love for Jimin because of this persona Jimin has you owe Jk an apology.

That one person who loves Jungkook unconditionally in BTS is just a performance. All BTS were given roles, a marketing role to sell the bromance and sell the fans. Most of them have since out grown those persona's and those kinds of performances- especially JK.

JM still holds on to his persona compared to the others in my opinion: that hypersexualized, aigyo cute persona, a bit brazen, confident, shameless etc. He projects a lot of himself into this persona but I feel often he injects bits of this persona into his real identity as a way to break himself out his limitations as Park Jimin-That never mind tattoo is there for a reason.

And so when he is being loud and daring and a tease that's not when I find his love for JK. His love resides in the calmness of his storms. In his moments of quiet when he isn't screaming and disappearing while he laughs; when he is staring at JK, taking in his visage as if he is the most beautiful thing on earth- that's when you see all the love he has for him in his face. He never does this with any of the members.

When JK is injured and he switches off his loud persona, that's when you see the real park Jimin.

I don't know which is worse, people who believe this sick persona of his is real or the people who see this persona for what it is but fail to look deeper than that.

Then there are those who believe they are dating but then dismiss certain questionable things when they happen in their dynamics. Isn't that why some people believe Taekook is real? in spite of Jikook? How can you believe a ship to be real when the existence of another ship calls into question the entire ship and not just aspects of it? It beats me.

Are they any ship in BTS that calls Jikook into question? I'll leave you to answer this.

If your answer is wrong, I'm blocking you.

Signed,

GOLDY

#Jikook #kookmin analysis #jikook is real #kookmin #jikooktheories #kookmintheories #jikook analysis #goldy analysis #goldy theories #goldy #nightswithkookmin #jikook scenarios #Jikook tns #bts ships #bts Jimin #bts Jungkook

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saiilorstars · 4 years ago

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Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 32: One More Time

Previous chapters // Montserrat's masterlist

Fandom: SVU // Pairing: Rafael Barba x OFC

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel @stareyedplanet @perfectlystiles @averyhotchner [If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: Montserrat and Rafael are losing their minds away from each other over the course of one month...

1 Month Later.

"Oh, he's adorable," Montserrat gushed at the baby boy in her arms. The baby, in return, gurgled as if he was trying to agree out loud with her. Montserrat shifted on her chair to switch the baby to her other leg. "Olivia, I can't believe you actually adopted him," she told the sergeant sitting across the desk.

"Not adopted," Olivia corrected as she watched Noah fiddle with his hands. "His name's Noah and for the time being, he's going to live with me." She had explained the situation since Montserrat had been out of SVU for a good while now. She only came back and forth every once in a while and this time, she came to the surprise that Olivia had become a foster mother to the very child she saved almost a year ago.

"He's really cute," Montserrat loved Noah's rosy cheeks. "Definitely livens up the place, huh?"

"Yeah," Olivia chuckled and reached over her desk to toggle with one of Noah's hands. The baby gurgled with a toothless grin.

"So then...Ellie's...dead?" Montserrat lowered her voice as if the child in her arms would understand that his biological mother was dead.

"Yeah," sighed Olivia. "We had her in a safe house but...she left in the night and…we couldn't save her then."

Montserrat hadn't seen the pictures - not that she wanted to - but she assumed they were thoroughly graphic since Ellie had been burned to death along with other terrible things they'd done to her. "Do you have any ideas who might've done it?"

"Well, we assume it was someone from the high up but, for now, Little Tino is taking the fault."

"If he's taking the fault then it means he's scared of whoever actually did it." Montserrat stood up with Noah and gently handed him back to Olivia. "And, speaking out of experience, the person who did it might be the one in charge of the whole operation Ellie was part of." Olivia had no doubt it as well. "I should get going. I'm meeting with Damian and Calhoun again."

"How's your brother doing?" Olivia asked as the two slowly went for the office door.

"Well, he's better in that he's not in jail but...he's on trial now and things aren't as well as we hoped." Montserrat shrugged. "Things aren't adding up, Liv. Damian and Gael swear they did the final evaluations and the thing is...that footage is missing. Like, it's not where it should be."

"What - the company misplaced it?"

"No, the company is actually helping us look for the footage. Not having it makes them look just as bad as Gael."

"Well, I really hope you find what you need," Olivia said. "We really miss you over here. Plus, we're understaffed since Nick's doing cop work in Queens."

"Yeah," Montserrat's smile was a bit tight but Olivia didn't seem to notice. She was genuinely sorry Nick had to go back to being a regular cop for Queens, but at least with that he would eventually be able to come back to SVU as a detective. It would just take a bit of time. He'd gone for a month now without any problems, so...he was doing good.

"Honestly, I can come back if you really need me," Montserrat told Olivia wholeheartedly. She wouldn't want Olivia to go crazy trying to cover all their cases with only 3 detectives. "I'd just like to ask time to go Gael's trials."

"Thanks Montse," Olivia could breathe a bit in relief. She wouldn't call the detective in unless they truly had to, but it was nice to know Montserrat was up for the early return.

After leaving Olivia's office, Montserrat went for her things she left on her desk.

"So, any word on when you'll be back?" Fin asked from his seat. "Not that we're complaining but Carisi's a bit too much to handle."

"Ha, ha," Sonny rolled his eyes.

"Oh c'mon, he's not that bad," Montserrat swung her bag's strap over her shoulder. "Just give him some candy and he'll be good."

"One of these days, your jokes will stop being funny," Sonny frowned.

"But it's not today," Amanda chuckled.

Montserrat smiled at her squad. She missed them terribly. "I gotta go meet with Damian and Calhoun so I'll see you guys around," she wiggled her fingers and turned to leave.

"Hey Montse," Sonny called and easily caught up with her in the hallway. "Listen, I know things might be a little awkward, but…"

Montserrat turned so that she was in front of him, making him bump into her. "Awkward?" she repeated and tilted her head. "Why would things be awkward?"

"You know what I mean," Sonny gave her a meaningful look until she shifted on her feet. "I was there, remember?"

"Sadly," she flatly said. "But you know what? Over it. Done. It's been a month and I'm over it."

"I know you're mad-"

"Oh no, no," she shook her head. "I'm not mad."

"Really?" Sonny knew that tight, sour smile meant Rafael was still in her bad graces.

"Yeah," she shrugged. "Even though he lied and chose to be with some woman who manipulated him, he has all the freedom to do it. I-" she gestured at herself, "-am simply removing myself from the situation because I'm pretty sure if I had him in front of me I might murder him - wait…" she pretended to think about it for a second before saying, "No, I'm sure I would murder him."

Sonny sighed. "Montserrat, if you would just listen to what Rafael has to say then you would see that it's not what it looks like."

Because it wasn't like Rafael hadn't already tried. He'd struggled to get Montserrat to listen to him for just a minute, even more to just stand still but...Montserrat was adamant that the choice had been made. He made it so it was only fair that she make hers...even though her choice was being made out of spite, something Rafael had mistakenly pointed out which brought out a whole new type of argument. (Sonny may or may not have sat Rafael down afterwards to go over everything he'd done wrong).

"Sorry," Montserrat waved Sonny off, "I have better things to do."

"Montserrat-" Sonny called as the woman backtracked towards the elevator.

"Seriously," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "And feel free to mention that murder part. I may be over it, but I hold a wicked grudge. I've been lenient this past month but I'm done now."

"Montse-"

"Maybe this is another reason why we shouldn't be together - I might kill him on the first date," Montserrat shrugged ever-so-casually with her wide, innocent smile.

Oh yeah, she was still furious. It was the quiet type of furious which, generally, turned out to be worse than the loud, screaming fury.

~ 0 ~

"See, this is the only video we have," Damian played the security feed of the final evaluation he and Gael did before the building collapsed.

Montserrat, Gael and Calhoun leaned forwards on the table to see the computer screen.

"But that's not it," Gael pointed with a deep scowl on his face. "That's the very last one - the one after I had checked for everything. It makes me look like I barely did my job."

"Okay, so we have to find that other security feed," Calhoun said. "And in the meantime, I'll be taking that video-" she pointed at the screen, "-as part of the evidence."

"But it's got me showing that I did nothing!" Gael exclaimed. "Why would you want to show people that?"

"Because the label is wrong," Calhoun said sharply. "And that means someone intentionally labeled it wrong."

"So it's part of the bigger evidence," Montserrat said for her brother's sake. "Proves that they were switched intentionally."

"Okay, then we gotta go back to work and find that other video," Gael rose from his seat but both Montserrat and Calhoun brought him back down.

"You cannot go back there until the investigation is over," Calhoun practically snapped so Montserrat went ahead and explained.

"If you go back, the D.A will make it look like you were going to plant something to prove your innocent. It's better if you stay far away from there until we figure things out."

"But what am I supposed to do!?"

"Be with your daughters?" Montserrat very wisely reminded him. "They really need you, especially Juliana."

Gael sighed. He learned of his teenage daughter's 3 day suspension when he first got out on bail and was overly upset with her, though he did understand her behavior sprang from his situation. Now as his trial had begun, he really strove to make sure both his daughters weren't in the fires of the media. "I suppose they do."

"Let us take care of it," Damian said. "I can go back and look for that video."

"If you do, be sure to have another employee with you so they don't claim you planted it," Calhoun warned then pointed a finger at Montserrat. "You're banned from that building as well."

"I know," the ginger woman rolled her eyes. "I'm not new at this, you remember right?"

Calhoun's smile was the definition of a frenemy. "Just do your job detective and I will do mine."

"This is my job right now," Montserrat reminded the woman as the latter prepared to leave the apartment. "So keep me updated at all times."

"I know," Calhoun playfully rolled her eyes. It was truly novelty being on the same side. "See you in court tomorrow."

When she was gone, Gael readied to leave as well. "I'm picking up Ivana and then Juliana early. Maybe we can have lunch or something."

"Honestly, that's the best thing you can do right now," Damian told him. "Just be with your girls. Montserrat and I have this."

"He means I got this since, reminder, being a detective is my job," Montserrat folded her arms over her chest. "It's literally what I do to eat."

"Still, I don't want you guys overexerting yourself on my case," Gael looked between his sister and best friend. "So please get some sleep and just take care of yourselves."

"We're fine Gael," Montserrat smiled at him.

"No you're not," he said too fast for her liking. "You've got something going on and you won't say anything. And don't try denying it."

Montserrat rolled her eyes. She would not be discussing any of these problems with anyone. She hadn't even told Kara about it - though Kara had assumed who Montserrat's problem was before actually hearing the story from Sonny later on - and Montserrat planned to bury that awful moment. Was it healthy? Probably not. Did she care? Nope.

~0~

Damian and Montserrat had stayed in the latter's place going through more of the files Damian took from his job. Being as thorough as possible meant neither noticed the time pass by until Kara and Sonny walked into the apartment.

"You guys are still working?" Kara wasn't surprised at all. For the past week this had been the way she'd find her best friend, not to mention her apartment kept looking like a storage room than an actual apartment.

"Well, my brother's still being accused of murder so…" Montserrat's sarcasm made Kara roll her eyes. "And he's on trial."

"Did you guys find anything useful?" Sonny asked. He hoped the afternoon had been used only for work purposes and nothing else.

"I mean, I guess so?" Damian looked over to Montserrat for confirmation. "I found some papers that Montserrat thinks Calhoun can use."

"It's just the previous signed evaluations indicating Gael did previous evaluations for each stage of construction before the final one," Montserrat explained.

"That's great," Sonny smiled for her. "It's definitely helpful in the case."

"Is it?" Kara smiled almost like him.

"Yeah," the detective nodded his head. "It establishes that Gael did the required evaluations before the building was finished."

"Yeah, except we still don't have that security feed of the final evaluation," Montserrat sighed. She leaned back on her chair and folded her arms. "If we had that, we would end all of this once and for all."

Damian put down his side of papers and moved to Montserrat's side. His hand went on her shoulder as he bent down beside her chair. "Hey, first thing tomorrow I'm gonna go back to work and I'm not gonna leave until I find that video."

Montserrat met his look with a soft smile. She would love nothing more than to finally put an end to this nightmare. "I really wish I could go there too."

"You heard Calhoun. It's best if you don't. I've got an idea, why don't we grab some dinner?"

Sonny scowled. Wow, the guy didn't miss a chance did he?

"Or we could order in?" suggested Kara who walked up to Montserrat's other side.

Sonny then smiled. That's why I love her.

"Thanks guys, but I think I'll just head to bed." Montserrat pushed herself up to her feet and offered both Mackies a polite smile. She loved that they tried so hard to cheer her up, but she just wasn't in the mood. Lately, she wasn't in the mood for anything.

"Are you sure?" Kara asked. She shared the same disappointment as her brother.

"Yeah, I'm tired." Montserrat shrugged again. "I'll see you tomorrow. Oh-" she stopped by the doorway and looked directly at Sonny, "-and I may come back a little earlier to SVU. My desk better be cleaned up."

"Oh that's great," Kara was relieved to hear that at least some part of normality would come back to Montserrat's life. "I really hope this can all end. It's taking a toll on Montse and I'm worried about her."

"I'm gonna go to work tomorrow and find that damn video," Damian promised as he went back to the table to clean up the mess of papers.

"Do you have any idea where it could be?" Kara asked. She started helping him put the papers together. "I mean, what guarantee do you have that it's even in there?"

"Because the video disappeared the same day the building crashed and there's been more security ever since. No one could slip out with the video much less not be noticed on camera they're trying to leave with it." Damian neatly stacked the papers on one end of the table then looked up at his sister and Sonny. "I'm gonna find that video if it's the last thing I do. For Gael. For Montserrat." Once everything was set, he bid them goodnight and left.

"If this trial doesn't end soon, I'm afraid both my best friend and my brother are going to lose their minds," Kara sighed once they were alone. She expected more commentary from Sonny, but all she got was a small nod and a distant expression. "Sonny?" she called and because her voice was sharpened, he finally looked at her. "What's the matter with you?"

Sonny shook his head, one hand lightly tapping the top of the chair Montserrat had sat in. "Nothing."

"Do not take me for an idiot, Dominick Carisi. You've been acting strange and even though I know you and Rafael have formed this newfound, closer friendship, it doesn't account for this strange behavior." Kara made a gesture at his current stance and though she walked up to him he seemed to move away. "What are you doing?"

Sonny exhaled and made a gesture towards the hallway, meaning to indicate Montserrat but all that came out of his mouth was a sigh. He didn't mean to do that, but what was he supposed to say? That he was frustrated two of his friends were equally hurting? That his girlfriend's brother was actively trying to win over Montserrat?

His face scrunched. "I should go, Kara. There's work tomorrow, after all."

Kara raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you really going to do this?"

"Do what?" he flashed her a smile but the moment he did she pointed a finger at him.

"Don't you dare use that charming smile on me. Why won't you tell me what you're up to?"

"Because I'm not really up to anything?"

Kara rolled her eyes. "Oh please, I know that's a lie. You think I don't know when Rafael tries to talk with Montserrat? She comes home with a face as red as her hair."

"Sorry, doll, but I'm not up to anything."

"Mhm," Kara pretended to fix the lapels of his jacket by pressing it down. "Listen, I'll believe what you say but...if you do happen to come up with a way my best friend can be happy again, I'll love you a thousand times more."

There was a brief smile on Sonny's face before Kara looked up at him. "I gotta go," he said softly.

"Aha," Kara smiled and leaned on her toes to kiss him. "Go on then. Do nothing. Goodnight."

Sonny had to smile as he left the apartment.

~0~

Each night when Rafael visited Forlinis, it was usually always done to grab some nice dinner that he had no intention of cooking at home. It was usually accompanied by the drinks he just generally loved. But as of late, the entire past month, he came to drown himself in alcohol. And since Forlinis had a wide variety of drinks, he had a vast option list.

"I would hate to think how bad your liver is," Sonny came to take the empty stool beside Rafael. The ADA rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. You always drink but now you're overdoing it, don't you think?"

"I think I should be allowed to drink however much I want to," Rafael raised his glass in the air, showing off the tiny bit of alcohol left. He then drowned it all in two seconds and called for a new one.

Sonny nodded and watched the bartender go get a new drink. He wasn't surprised, least not anymore. It had been a very tough month. "This solves nothing."

Rafael graciously accepted his new drink filled to the brim. "I never said it did. Look it's been a very busy day therefore I deserve to end it however I want to." He pretended to salute with his glass then drank it down.

Sonny knew that was bullshit. He let Rafael finish his glass, once again, before speaking up. "I saw her, if you're interested."

"Mhm, and I saw her yesterday and two days before that…" Rafael pretended to do some calculations of how many times he'd seen Montserrat that always ended with an argument. "Yeah, and none of those times have gone well."

"Well, you just have to keep trying."

Rafael shook his head. Each day the discouragement became more and more evident on his face. And how could he not be? Each time he attempted to talk with Montserrat she would either a) shout at him to leave her alone or b) very calmly, but equally angry, tell him everything was done. She was done.

"I think I have finally expended my attempts," Rafael said. "Montserrat despises me and with good reasons."

"Yeah, but the thing is-" Sonny tilted his head, face scrunching, "-she doesn't really hate you. Hate would imply she's over things which is a clear lie. And you should know that Olivia has asked Montserrat to be on standby in case SVU needs her back earlier."

But Rafael didn't seem so surprised. "Yeah, Liv mentioned it to me earlier in the day."

"And what did you say?"

"Nothing, was I supposed to?"

Sonny once again tilted his head at him, his expression seeming more accusatory than anything.

"What do you want me to do!?" Rafael scowled and looked away. The fact that Sonny may have heard him huff was just another novelty. "I'm not gonna further ruin Montserrat. She wants to come back? That's great. It just means I'm going to have to talk with her about something else." The matter of 'when' was just one of the problems.

"You know I could facilitate that-"

"No," Rafael pointed a finger at the detective, warning him not to even try. Montserrat didn't need to be angry with Sonny as well. Even if he was irritating sometimes, Rafael appreciated Sonny's constant help throughout this horrible month. "You're not going to do anything anymore. Just tell me...how is she doing?"

"... she's alright, in what fits. They're getting new evidence for the trial which, actually, is really good. Damian's taking it upon himself to find that missing a video - the very video that would exonerate Gael from all charges."

Despite not facing Sonny, Rafael could see from the corner of his eye that the detective was waiting for him to say something. "Well I hope he does find it, then. Someone should make her happy."

Sonny rolled his eyes. "We're not doing this - you-" he snatched Rafael's glass right out of his hand, "-are not doing this."

"Doing what!?"

"Wallow in self pity, what else? That's unbecoming of you, not to mention plain weird," Sonny put the glass down on the counter, by his side.

"It's not pity, I'm just tired," Rafael slowly corrected as he glanced at the detective. "You can understand why, right?"

"Yes, I can, but it's not really over. Not yet."

"That's all great, Carisi, but it's over for tonight at least. I'm taking a break, one that I'm sure Montserrat would deeply love." Rafael pulled out a couple bills to cover his drinks then promptly got up from his stool. "So, thanks but...why don't you just go back to Kara or something? Don't want to make her mad too."

~0~

It took a lot of courage for Montserrat to walk into the D.A's building, much more into the office of the person she wasn't quite ready to see yet (not that, that had stopped him from trying to talk to her). She drew in a deep breath before walking - striding - into Rafael's office.

"Morning, we have to talk," she said in a jumbled tone.

Rafael was stunned to see her plopping down into the chair across his desk. "Morning…"

"So Olivia's asked me to come back - officially sometime later this week - and of course I agreed," Montserrat shrugged. Her tone was fast but she couldn't quite look Rafael in the eyes. "I'll only be away to attend my brother's ongoing trial but I'm pretty much back."

"Well, that's great for you. Honestly," Rafael was slow with his words, cautious really. He never expected her to come into his office and much less willingly speak to him without shouting.

"I'm just here so that we can both get on the same page about what happened. I think it goes without saying that I don't want anyone to know. Nothing happened. We're just normal co-workers."

"I understand what you want but I have to say that I'll have some trouble with that…"

"I had trouble with your choices but I made it through," the sourness covering Montserrat's words were out of her control. But if it stung, oh well. "Think you can do the same for me."

"I can certainly try but I have to say it would be a lot easier if you would just allow me 5 minutes to explain--"

"And we're done," Montserrat got up.

Rafael frowned at her and got up as well. "No, we're not."

She matched his frown with one of her own. Equally matched, the irony.

"You realize if you would just give me those five minutes we could end all of this."

"That would mean I would have to give in and I'll be damned if I do that anytime soon."

"Mature."

Montserrat's smile was both endearing and frustrating. "Get a taste of what you'd be in for." She was attractive yet about to kill him.

"You're making yourself miserable, Montserrat," Rafael moved around the desk until he was standing in front of Montserrat.

"No, you did that all on your own," she glared.

"So then let me fix it. Let me explain and if you still hate me afterwards I'll leave you alone for good. Five minutes and if you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll stop trying. You'll have some peace."

Montserrat looked away but there was a slight look of inclination. She might give in…

But it all disappeared when Olivia herself walked into the office. She was, of course, surprised to find Montserrat already there.

"I was waiting for Casey to finish her some paperwork so we could go to the trial together," Montserrat easily supplied the excuse then discreetly threw a look at Rafael to warm him not to say anything. "Thought I'd wait here in the meantime."

"I hope it all goes well," Olivia said, nonethewiser of went went on with those two.

"I'll be back to the precinct afterwards, though," Montserrat promised. "Are there any new cases I should know about?"

"We've got a new girl, Luna, who might tie back to Ellie Porter's death," Olivia looked at Rafael and Montserrat for that piece of news. "But we're going to need some help since Nick is the only one who can help bring closer our two connections."

"Nick?" went both Montserrat and Rafael. They then gave each other looks for their unintended synchrony.

"No wait a minute, I thought Nick was stuck doing deadbeat cop stuff in Queens?" Montserrat asked.

"He's the one who arrested Luna, actually. But we want to use him to get to Luna's pimp and make him think Nick is on his side."

"It could be believable since 1PP did sentence him to a lower status," Rafael considered the opportunities this little gig would bring them in their case.

"That, uh, sounds…" Montserrat scrunched her face, "Honestly, I just sounds like I have a lot of files to read through to catch up."

Olivia sent her a smile. "It's all waiting for you when you get back."

"Goodie," Montserrat chuckled and started on her way out. She didn't bother looking back. Why should she? It wouldn't change a damn thing.

~0~

There were various trials going on in the courthouse. SVU had one going for an earlier case, at the same time Montserrat had her brother's trial.

She painstakingly sat through her brother's trial and silently listened to all the baseless accusations the prosecutor, Geraghty, threw at her brother. My God she hated that woman.

"I hate that I can't find that video," Damian muttered after they walked out of the courtroom.

"We'll find it," Montserrat tried her best to sound as positive as possible, but that missing video was seriously screwing them up.

Calhoun had already told them - warned them - that if they didn't find the missing video, their chances of winning were half and half. Montserrat wanted the full 100%.

From the other end of the hallway, Olivia was leading the way out of their own trial. "Tell me we've got this guy."

"It's basically a done deal," Rafael told her and Sonny. "No matter what he says, he's screwed."

Olivia seemed to believe him. She nodded and motioned Sonny to follow her out.

Of course for some reason Rafael called Carisi back all of a sudden. The detective in question slowly returned after getting the ok from Olivia.

"What is it, councilor?" Sonny asked but for the first few seconds Rafael didn't answer.

He was watching something, or rather someone. He finally understood what Sonny had been trying to tell him all month. There was Montserrat with Damian, talking yet the latter seemed to be unable to keep his hands off the former.

And it made his blood boil.

The worst bit was the fact Montserrat seemed to be taking comfort in Damian's touch. She had that warm, relieved smile on her face and her glossy eyes which could only mean she was close to crying. And about what? Her brother's trial. It had to be going bad.

"Councilor?" Sonny broke through Rafael's concentration. "Did you need something?"

"Yes," Rafael answered in a low mutter. He grabbed Sonny's arm, a bit harder than he intended to. "You know that stuff I said about giving myself and Montserrat a break?"

"Yeah…" Sonny was now giving him a strange look.

"Forget about it. One more time. I'm going to do it one more time and you're going to help me."

"Really?" Sonny's eyebrows raised. He didn't think Rafael would get over it so quickly, but then he noticed what Rafael had been looking at and completely got it. "You're jealous, aren't you?"

"Shut up," Rafael ordered and pointed a finger behind them. "Now listen because you're going to bring Montserrat into the conference room. Got it?"

"Got it. How do I do that?"

Rafael's smile was promising.

~0~

"Look Sonny, I haven't actually caught up on the cases," Montserrat trailed after Sonny down the courthouse hallways. "Actually, I haven't read at all. I'm gonna need a few more days before I actually return to SVU."

"That's okay, Liv just wanted a word with you," Sonny turned the conference room's doorknob and gestured for Montserrat to go in first.

"Well I don't imagine what about considering I'm way behind," the ginger walked in and went around the table only to see Olivia wasn't anywhere inside. "Where's Liv?"

"She's back at the precinct, where else?" Rafael came striding in much like she when she'd visited him the day before.

Montserrat tilted her head, eyes squinting a bit as she thought.

"What are you doing?" Rafael asked her. He expected her to start yelling the moment she realized she'd been tricked. The fact she was quiet was scary. Yes, she actually managed to scare her sometimes. That idea was still troubling to him.

"I'm thinking…" Montserrat answered in an eerie calm voice.

"About how to talk calmly?" Sonny went with the most hopeful reason he could think of.

"Noooo," Montserrat whispered, still thinking, "I'm thinking that a premeditated murder would get me a longer sentence so I won't think about murdering you -- I'll just do it!" And she actually ran, almost charged, for the detective.

"Montserrat, stop!" Rafael moved in front of Sonny as if the woman would actually cause him harm. "This is between you and me so let's finally finish this, alright? One more time and then we're done. I swear!"

Montserrat turned her head slightly, looking him over with a natural suspicion. "Is that a promise?"

"I give you my word."

Montserrat backed away and gestured Sonny to leave. Before the detective actually left, he stopped by Rafael's side and whispered. "You know what you're doing, councilor? She's pretty pissed."

Montserrat walked towards the other end of the room, mentally preparing herself for this awful moment.

"I just need 5 minutes with her, I know it," Rafael sounded pretty convinced which led Sonny to wonder what the ADA had up his sleeve. All Rafael knew was that he almost had Montserrat yesterday if Olivia hadn't interrupted them. That was what gave him hope that it wasn't all over.

"Good luck," Sonny said with all the genuine care he had. He might actually dream tonight about Montserrat charging at him.

When she heard the door close, Montserrat finally pulled her gaze from the mahogany table. "That was a low trick and you know it."

"It was the only thing that would get you here, isn't it?" Rafael countered with the perfect argument. Montserrat folded her arms, lips pressing against each other since she knew he was right.

She absolutely hated that he was always right.

"What do you want from me?" came her quiet question. "Because, frankly, I'm a little confused. You told me to move on and I tried but now you're here trying to unravel what I've been working on so hard. I don't get it…" her voice cracked towards the end.

"That's what I've been trying to explain this past month, Montserrat, but you haven't given me the chance--"

"Don't you dare pin this on me!" she snapped. She stormed up to him with the deepest scowl that could mar her face. "I gave you ample time to speak up, but you always told me the same things. 'No, we can't.' 'It's unprofessional.' 'We need to stop'. It's only now - when I finally realized you had Yelina on the side - that you want to talk with me."

Rafael's hands shot in front of him, curling and uncurling in frustration. "For the last time - there is nothing between Yelina and I!"

Montserrat laughed in his face and turned away from him. "Sure. She's only the reason you were late to my brother's arraignment and you know, Kara pointed out to me that you didn't have to come. I should've just been grateful that you showed up. But that's not true. You made a promise and you blew me off for the woman who tried manipulating you."

"I didn't know she was going to suddenly drop back into my life. And the only reason I accepted to meet with her is because I didn't want her coming into my office - which she clearly did anyways. But I swear to God, all we did was have lunch - well, we danced around with words but that was it."

Montserrat shook her head. She kept her back to him so that could buy some time and get rid of the tears in her eyes. "Why lie about it, then?"

"Because I didn't think it was important?" Rafael flinched with her humorless laugh.

"Didn't think it was important," she repeated.

"It wasn't!" He had enough and grabbed her arm to turn her around, forcing her to finally look at him. "She wasn't important and I just didn't want to bring that up when you already had so much problems. I wanted to help you find the solution, not add to your list."

"How'd that work out for you?" Montserrat looked him dead in the eyes.

Rafael could look her in her glossy eyes and openly admit it. "You're in pain and I'm the reason for it. Worst mistake of my life."

Montserrat's scoff was a low and quiet one, like she was making herself do it. She didn't exactly have anymore words to keep fighting. She was too tired to keep arguing.

"Montserrat, please," he touched her face, immediately freezing her. She watched his hand as it stroked gentle circles over her cheek and then near her jaw. She had to physically stop herself from shuddering. He let her slowly walk her backwards until her back pressed against the edge of the table. "I've messed up several times and I am so sorry. I only wanted to do what was best for you but...I may just be selfish by coming back to you." His hands ran down the sides of her body, sending tingles down her back but she wouldn't push him away.

"I hate you," she whispered, sounding like she was out of breath.

"I know," he whispered back. "But if you give me a chance…" he nuzzled his nose on the side of her face, letting her feel his patterned breath against her cheek, "...I would really like to make you happy. You deserve to be happy."

Montserrat let her eyes fall close. She was so weak for his touch it was honestly ridiculous. When did this happen? When she first started in SVU, she was very sure that she didn't want any of his hands on her because he was outright annoying. Now she never wanted his hands to let her go...and she really wanted him to stop toying with her and move those lips of his onto hers.

Seriously, when did all this happen?

She moved her hands to press against his chest and push him away a bit, though it didn't really seem to do much since they only had minuscule inches between them. "That night...in your office, why was Yelina coming to see you?"

"Montserrat, is that really what you want to keep discussing about?"

"I need to know. She walked in like she owned the place..."

"That's just her personality. She came in because I cut our lunch short. That was it."

"She's someone clearly important to you and I...I'm really tired, Rafael. I don't want to keep arguing, much less fighting with some other woman."

"Yeah, she was important to me...once. But that ended a very long time ago. You are important to me now," he pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes at the same time she did. "I've laid everything out for you. In conclusion, you basically own me." Montserrat couldn't help but chuckle and hearing her laughter gave Rafael new hope that things were turning out good.

"Bring in your job why don't you," Montserrat opened her eyes.

"It's bound to happen at some point," Rafael did the same and opened his eyes. "You'd find out if we, uh..."

Montserrat's breath hitched when he purposely came closer to let his lips hover over hers. All Montserrat could smell right now was him and his cologne and that alone was enthralling. Her hands gripped the lapels of his blazer and the little bit that she tilted her head up brought them to the point that they were one move away from a kiss. "I want to kill you," she said flatly, though a small smile spread across her face in the next minute. "But I think I might just be saying that more often now." She rolled her eyes when he smirked not-so-subtly. "And wipe that smirk off your face."

"Make me," he challenged.

She'd save the snap for his smugness for another day. She kissed him like she'd been wanting to for such a long time. It was a hungry kiss that let all their initial feelings and tension out of the cages they'd worked so hard to keep shut. Rafael could finally throw that caution away and would never have to think about it again (or maybe just a tiny bit for later who knew). He wrapped his arms around Montserrat's waist and hoisted her up on the table. There was a slight laugh murmuring against his lips but his rough kiss silenced her. But with seconds passing he came to realize that Montserrat had her own tricks and ways because no matter how much he tried to be in control, she was pulling the strings. And the right ones too. She had him following her lips in whatever way she moved them. Her hand had found a way to tug his neatly-kept hair at the right moments that would inadvertently make him kiss harder each time, and once she figured it out she took good advantage of it.

Eventually, they parted to catch their breaths but Montserrat showed her widest smirk possible. She passed her tongue over her teeth, almost inviting him to come back. She passed her hands over his chest, letting them drift under his blazer until they found his suspenders and she was able to pull him right up to him.

"You've surprised me, detective," Rafael murmured, still breathless.

Montserrat arched an eyebrow at him. "Really? Well...just in case you were thinking about going back to...that woman." He rolled his eyes at her. "I dare you to forget me after that kiss...and the ones to come."

#ocappreciation #fd: svu #svu #rafael barba #svu fics #rafael barba fics #svu imagines #rafael barba imagines #oc: Montserrat Novak #fic: dare to forget me #i honestly think this is the longest slow burn I've written #I'm off to beat my own record on another story!

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pumpkinpaix · 5 years ago

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老师好！Thank you for writing! i found you through your MDZS story and i really adore your insightful writings about the show. In my opinion, i even think the show is better than the novel in their presentation of WX relationship ~ ! it feels more natural and less pandering. Another essay suggestion for you if you want to write --- In the show, who do you think fell in love first in WX? When were the "turning points" when they realized?

sldjfslikl first of all anon, it’s WILD that anyone would address me as 老师 and i’m simultaneously flattered and gobsmacked. (i’m really really really not qualified to be called 老师 friend—thank you, like, a lot?? but yeah, i gotta say i’m not that cool) thank you for reading my fic and liking it and apparently my one meta enough to come talk to me!! also, SORRY this took approximately a million years i’ve been working on it on/off for like. two weeks. (@the other anon who also requested meta—pls forgive me im really doing my best apparently these take a lot out of me)

confession: I wrote a WHOLE ADDITIONAL essay in response to your opinion about show vs. novel that i ultimately decided to cut because it flies a little too close to the discourse sun and you didn’t ask for that hahaha. if it turns out you are interested in it, feel free to hmu and i can post it (though i’ll probably try to keep it out of the tags for my own mental health’s sake im not cut out for this lmao)

that all being said, who do I think fell in love first? it was definitely lan wangji, and it was right here:

[id: screenshot of lan wangji watching wei wuxian making a wish to “protect the weak and curb the strong, with a clear conscience for all my life” from episode 7 of the untamed drama. wei wuxian’s eyes are closed, his hands clasped. lan wangji looks on with a surprised tenderness. /end id]

I think it’s safe to say that he already finds wei wuxian attractive/intriguing (see: his reaction to wei wuxian drawing his portrait, tying the lan ribbon around their wrists, the PEAK gay panic in his voice when wei wuxian trips and falls on top of him), but this is the first moment he’s really moved by him. up until this point, wei wuxian has been teasing, immature, A Nuisance™, too clever for his own good, troublemaker energy personified etc but he hasn’t ever revealed his deeper moral values in front of lan wangji—and he does it like this, without pretension, without irony. He doesn’t spend his wish on something frivolous or material: he wishes to be able to do good for all his life, to be righteous, to be kind. it’s the wish he makes for both of them. “the promise we made together all those years ago,” as he says, half a lifetime later.

like just. imagine, for a moment, being lan wangji, whose whole world is being constantly challenged and needled by this unfairly attractive, chaotic bastard and then he just comes out of left field with this. I think this is where lan wangji first recognizes himself in wei wuxian—that at their core, they share their most important values.

look what i’m saying is this is where I fell in love with wei wuxian.

(sidenote: I really think a lot of the tragedy of mdzs/the untamed is stems from this moment. wei wuxian fails, over and over and over, even when his wish never changes, even when all he ever wanted was to do good without fear.)

i had to think for a really long time to try and decide which moments i wanted to talk about on wei wuxian’s part, because i don’t think he’s nearly as easy to pinpoint. lan wangji falls in love like a lightning strike, but wei wuxian’s love is something that grows so slowly, i don’t think he realizes what it is until pretty late in the game.

so let’s begin with this moment on phoenix mountain:

[id: screenshot of lan wangji and wei wuxian facing each other on phoenix mountain from episode 25 of the untamed drama. lan wangji is waiting expectantly for an answer, having just asked, “what am i to you?”, hand behind his back. wei wuxian is holding his flute, expression complicated and uncertain. /end id]

this is the first time i think wei wuxian is asked directly to label his feelings about lan wangji, and he says, “i once thought of you as a lifelong, intimate friend.” and when lan wangji presses, “and now?”, he doesn’t respond.

two episodes later, when wei wuxian is taking the wen refugees out of their prison camp and lan wangji appears before him, I think he has some kind of answer to lan wangji’s question:

[id: screenshot from episode 27 of the untamed drama. wei wuxian holds out chenqing before him in challenge to lan wangji, who is offscreen. he is smiling, just slightly, resigned and fond and terribly sad. /end id]

“if there really must be a battle between me and them, then I would rather fight to the death with you. if i must die, then at least i would like to die by hanguang-jun’s hand. it wouldn’t be an injustice.”

if that isn’t some kind of confession, I don’t really know what is.

but it’s too late—he’s now a defector in the eyes of the four sects. lan wangji lets him go and wei wuxian rides away. the remainder of his first life, that’s how things stand. even through everything with a’yuan, the final massacre at the nightless city—even though there’s something really meaningful there between them, it’s all tinged with a sense of impossibility, you know? there’s no outcome where they can resolve it happily. wei wuxian has gone too far down that single-plank bridge.

the first moment i think wei wuxian has to confront the unresolved and unsaid things between him and lan wangji comes when lan wangji gets drunk that one night and tells him, “i have regret.”

“what regret?”

“that at the nightless city, I did not stand beside you.”

[id: screenshot of wei wuxian looking at lan wangji (offscreen) with tears in his eyes as the full realization of what lan wangji just drunkenly confessed hits him from episode 36 of the untamed drama. /end id]

“so all this time, you’ve been searching for me?”

earlier i said can you imagine being lan wangji for a sec, and i’m gonna say it again except god. can you. IMAGINE being wei wuxian in this moment. finding out that this person that you maybe suspected you had deeper feelings for but never acted on has spent the entire sixteen years of your death searching for you, regretting that he didn’t stand with you before you died? a regret that he’s been carrying in secret, alone, for sixteen years?? that’s A Lot to unpack.

however, I don’t think wei wuxian really, fully understands and accepts how he feels and how lan wangji feels in return, how far they’re both willing to go until episode 42, at the confrontation at jinlingtai.

[id: two screenshots from episode 42 of the untamed drama, right after lan wangji takes a stand beside wei wuxian against the four sects. image 1 is lan wangji smiling at wei wuxian: he is gentle and sure. image 2 is wei wuxian smiling back at him, eyes red-rimmed and wet. /end id]

even though lan wangji has been walking with him since dafan shan, he’s been doing it with a plausible deniability. and here, when wei wuxian is trying to give him an out, lan wangji puts everything he has on the line so that he can clearly stand with wei wuxian, without dissembling, without hesitation. “the feeling of of walking on a single-plank bridge into the dark truly is no worse.”

lan wangji is finished with regrets.

“it’s just funny, that’s all,” wei wuxian says, “back when the whole world flattered me with praise, you were the only one who would scold me. but now that everyone is calling for my death, all hating and condemning me, you’re nevertheless the only one standing by my side.”

i think after that, for all the remaining episodes, there’s an unspoken commitment between the two of them that underpins the rest of their interactions, which I think I can say without reservation that I like more than how it played out in the novel. EDIT 16 APR 2020: I changed my mind a while ago, ahaha. Turns out, I don’t prefer CQL over MDZS. I love them both so much. ;A; there’s something really profound about it, the trust in their unlabelled relationship. it really feels like the inexorable culmination of two adults in their mid-thirties coming together after falling in love for almost twenty years. there’s a maturity to it that isn’t present in the way the novel does the confession (which does have its own disaster energy™ charm) that I think highlights the fact that they love each other, not just because they admire each other, not just because they’re attracted to one another, but because they understand each other—because when they look at each other, they also see themselves.

#the untamed #the untamed meta #mdzs #mdzs meta #wangxian #陈情令 #mine #meta #mymeta #can i get a wahoo for the production team?#WOOF anon thanks for your patience #some of the wording in this is really embarrassing haha #i did my best!!#i hope some people like it #i also spent WAY too long on this #guys i edit every screenshot i'm not kidding #as always feel free to come talk to me about this #Anonymous #asks and replies

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uwua3 · 4 years ago

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Hello! Sorry to spring another request at you so soon, but those jealousy headcanons you wrote for me have got me hooked! Would it be possible to write a redemption/forgiveness focused "part 2" to those 3 HCs but years later, showing that they've both grown as people and wind up with happy endings together? (And heal my bruised ego, j/k 😆) If you would rather not revisit those stories, I completely understand + will think of something else 😁 TY once more for your immaculate creations 🙌🙏

yes! this will be the pt. 2 set years later from the first jealousy hc~ i know everyone’s a sucker for happy endings so i’ll try my best! aLSO YOU KNOW WHAT’S FUNNY!!! i remember when i got sent this ask and i just wrote immaculate in one of my writings omg!!! we are Connected

summary: time heals and people move on, for better or for worse

author’s note: this was less redemption, but more for forgiveness. sometimes, you can’t forget what someone did but forgive them after becoming changed people. being the bigger person, moving on, and being the best version of yourself is the sweetest revenge possible + taichi’s was the longest, i am the most proud of his!

there are some situations where it’s best to leave a person out of your life if they hurt you more than anything ♡ don’t feel like you are missing a part of yourself without them, you’re more than someone’s s/o; you’re you!

word count: 4,042 (total) — 1,297 (kazunari), 868 (tenma), 1,877 (taichi)

music: i don’t want you back – aj mitchell (kazunari), you could have been the one – coasts (tenma), wish u the best – blackbear (taichi)

jealousy (pt.2)

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

it kept raining, but kazunari refused to let that stop him anymore

kazunari stood drenched for so long but his umbrella was by his side this entire time (he covered himself and watched the stormy clouds part to reveal streams of the sun)

kazunari wanted to love himself first, and then maybe he could come back to loving you

so he attended therapy. learned how to openly commuicate his feelings without constantly seeking attention. made real friends with a theatre company named mankai. found passion in another art form: acting!

kazunari grew as a person, developing into his full identity and he finally knew who he was. kazunari stopped forming unhealthy attachments onto people who showed any form of interest on him and even had a few successful relationships because of his mindset

(all of them ended maturely, respectfully, and without any of the drama being a teen had. it felt nice to be an adult for once)

kazunari was content with his own body, for once. he practiced taking breaks and understood his own limits (not weaknesses, his therapist reminded him, just boundaries). kazunari even started posting online again, making enthusiatic blog posts that were genuine this time

kazunari stopped obsessively checking comments left on his selfies and just deleted any that were negative. but most times, he didn’t even see them because he was proud of how far he came. it could only go up from here

kazunari was happy!

but, you weren’t. you lost your best friend who eventually stopped sending random late–night texts. the one who always had an adventure up his sleeve and always made you laugh. where did he go?

it wasn’t until you spotted an advertisement that had his name in the bottom part of the cast. you didn’t even know kazunari was interested in drama, though he did have the flair for it

(you were too busy with your partner to even come to his water me! debut)

when you attended the summer troupe’s second opening night, you couldn’t recognize the man standing before you on stage

kazunari wasn’t that meek barista who shut down every time he made a mistake. now, when he flubbed the script, he simply did improv and didn’t let his mistake hold him back. he matured to be an accomplished young man with the talent to boot and all the charisma in the world

when kazunari’s sight glanced past you, he barely noticed your presence. he just nodded and spared no more attention towards you, focusing on the play and giving it his all

to you, kazunari was a stranger. to kazunari, you were just somebody he used to have good times with, that’s all

after that, you left and didn’t bother seeking contact with him again besides the occassional congratulations to be civil. he didn’t need you anymore, it was painfully obvious how happy he was now

(much happier than when he was best friends with you)

kazunari didn’t notice and put his energy into becoming someone he was proud of, gaining popularity online for his infectious happiness and wonderful, creative edits

kazunari stopped trying to love himself so you could love him. he did everything for him because he wanted to

after seeing you in the crowd, kazunari accepted you weren’t the same person he became best friends with and that was okay. he had 20 best friends who he shared a house with, what more could he ask for?

(even when he saw your long instagram post about your engagement, he liked it and left a happy comment. there was no jealousy over what could have been, just complimenting the ring without any hard feelings)

kazunari knew he would never see you again, that you were intimidated by his self–love. kazunari wasn’t too sad, just posted a group photo with the caption: “my best friends ✨”

kazunari moved on easily, knowing there was no point to get hung up if you were happy. who was he to get in the way of a happy relationship?

so when you sent him an e–mail asking him to be the best man at your wedding, it didn’t phase him as bad as he thought it would. maybe, just a little surprise. kazunari didn’t hesitate to request practice off and click to confirm his rsvp

(maybe, this could have been his last opportunty to be your best friend)

if it was possible to outdress the couple, he did. kazunari showed up to the wedding in his best suit, gladly chatting up the party

(he knew he looked good, and because of that, he didn’t flinch every time he was mistaken as the groom)

(he didn’t want to be, anyways)

kazunari met up with you in your dressing room, watching you pace as you had pre–marriage jitters. but you looked pretty, beautiful even, but you didn’t look like his bride. that didn’t hurt him, he just smiled and offered his arm

“you ready, best friend?” kazunari asked and the smile on your face reflected his: hollow, but somewhat sad. you both knew you guys weren’t close like before, the same people before. you two were almost unrecognizable, but the love as friends was still there

kazunari couldn’t deny you made his life better at some point, people just change and that was that. he couldn’t fault you for that

he couldn’t blame you for his fear of confessing his feelings, his avoidance of any type of serious relationship. that was on him, and he accepted that a long, long time ago

he was gonna walk the first love of his life down the aisle to another person, and kazunari smiled, knowing this was for the best

kazunari was happy the person you met all those years ago was your soulmate, you deserved that

as the double doors opened, you two gracefully walked down the aisle as he noticed the person at the end was crying tears of joy. they were so in love with you, and you had the same look on your face

kazunari didn’t even react like that, just smiled and gave you a thumbs up

this was definitely for the best

as the room stood for you, you glanced at kazunari and whispered something that had no effect on him whatsoever

“i liked you, before all of this.”

kazunari just looked forward, feeling the rain finally come to an end as a sunny, summer blue sky was shining with puffy white clouds

the rain was gone for good, and 19–year–old kazunari finally had his closure

“i did, too.” kazunari simply said and you didn’t react. it was clear, you both moved on

before giving you away, kazunari smiled, making some joke about being careful with his “daughter”

the room laughed, and he did, too (he meant it)

kazunari was happy for you as he watched you two exchange vows. maybe his past self would’ve selfishly wished that was him, object when the officiant asked, and steal you away

but kazunari knew you were happy

(best man kazunari stood up at the dining banquet to deliver his speech, holding the mic up to his mouth and he shared happy memories between the two of you)

(kazunari almost talked about how gorgeous you looked in golden hour back then, but stopped. that was a memory only his teen self should have, and instead made a toast)

(“for forgiveness, moving on, and best friends!”)

kazunari watched you have your first dance and looked outside. it was golden hour, and you were just as gorgeous as before

but, kazunari didn’t have to be your #1 anymore. because in his heart, he was his own #1, and that would never become a joke

the rain ended, and wouldn’t come back as long as he lived in the sun

🌻☀️ sumeragi tenma

you and tenma were cast in the same movie years after your public break–up

it was an easy job and guarenteed summer blockbuster for best lead actor, tenma

he was entering university now for acting, keeping a clean image as the media slowly forgot about his playboy past as he shifted his efforts to more time with his true friends and being a regular, casual teen

(even previous co–stars admitted his personality did a full 180 and it was refreshing to see the young actor turn over a new leaf)

tenma decided after you, he deserved real love that wasn’t fabricated by a company

he left his label with a rip to the contract, flipped them off with both his fingers, and became an independent star that rose to popularity due to his honest and brash interviews on the industry

he took on projects he loved and tenma’s parents slowly came to respect him as an actor, giving him the freedom to do whatever mattered to him

(tenma even started reclaiming back his missed childhood, lowering the expectations he forced upon himself and letting himself make mistakes. he started trying again and again, refusing to give up for the sake of his team)

tenma expanded his talents to both on screen and stage, and found himself becoming more of a team–player who was confident in his abilities to lead and be taken seriously

mankai taught him love wasn’t just romantic. he received love everyday from his close friends and pushed himself out of his comfort zone to express his feelings and appreciation without feeling uncomfortable

as a result, tenma was loved for who he was, not some idol image

tenma loved himself all because of his love for acting, and knew he wouldn’t have been able to do it if it wasn’t for you, weirdly enough

you were the breaking point. you set off the chain of events that let him take back his own life and pursue real, authentic things. tenma was still a kid at heart, but he grew up

the next time he saw you on set after providing food for the cast to practice showing apprecistion, he towered over you and had to look down

this time, it seemed like he was the one who ruffled your hair and treated you like his younger sibling

you hadn’t realized it, but tenma wasn’t the little kid you liked making fun of. now he was a strong, independent, opiniated firecracker who wasn’t afraid of telling it how it is

tenma wasn’t scared to tell you when you messed up, but this time, he offered advice. he was a natural leader who provided multiple effective solutions and was interested in working with the directors and producers to make the best possible cut

tenma wasn’t some egotistical, self–centered jock his company portrayed him out to be. he was a childish, fun–loving, aggressive firework who was unapologetic about his true self and put his entire self into acting

it was a particular scene that involved romance, and you had to act as a couple with tenma, having a practice read as you went through the lines

“i’m sorry, i loved you so much, it would have killed me if i didn’t say something.” tenma recited, emotionally looking into your eyes as he made his voice shake. it almost felt too authentic, and you cleared your throat, continuing the line

“i did too... but you,” you glanced up at him, and suddenly you realized tenma wasn’t that young brother you thought he was. you regretted ever treating him like some dumb kid, he had grown so much

“you were so young... i judged you too quickly and never let you have a chance. i’m sorry, tenma.”

tenma didn’t break character, but he just shook his head and put his hand out, knowing you didn’t follow the script

“it’s okay. it is what it is.”

you shook his hand, and you never realized how well his hand fit in yours

from that moment forward, you two had easy chemistry and became friends again. but as you began to see him as a man, he always reminded you that it was never going to work out even if he forgave you

he made it especially clear when you guys came back to that one arcade. its games never changing and it felt like you went back in time. when he caught you giving him the same look 16–year–old tenma gave you back then, he sighed and stared at you with firm determination

“i get it, i’m different now. but you gotta give up, don’t even think about it. i forgive you, but we’re friends. that’s all we’ll ever be.”

tenma was older now, and he was grateful for all you did for him, but he already had real love

he didn’t need fake love, especially from you

after playing games in the arcade, it was tenma this time who commented how fun it was and you could call him up any time for acting advice. he saw you as a younger sibling

you watched tenma grow up, but didn’t realize maybe you were the one who was still stuck in the past

🍁🛹 nanao taichi

taichi, grew up

he refused to ever let anyone hurt him the same way for the rest of his life. he couldn’t believe he was so desperate for love that it blinded his view on common sense. taichi never wanted to feel like he was used, kicked, and abandoned ever again

taichi never wanted to see you again, you didn’t deserve to see him after all this time

taichi began to build up his self–esteem, knowing whatever happened, wasn’t his fault anymore. he loved himself, he was the best you ever had and you left him for someone you ditched later that week

in a way, he won. taichi was happy, confident, and grew up to the best actor possible as he was surrounded by the mankai boys who supported him to be content with life

so taichi forced himself to stand taller, started looking people in the eye, and being direct with his boundaries. taichi learned more about what he could handle, and it was amazing to see how having self–respect meant people backed off, knowing he wasn’t a victim anymore

taichi learned his self worth and moved on, his love for himself was greater than anything he felt for you

(during times when he relapsed, sometimes he re–read the love letters he wrote you. you would leave them behind, not even opening them. they were so honest, so vulnerable, it physically hurt him to know he exposed his heart to the public like this)

(he’d read but at the end, he’d always laugh at his stupidity. you didn’t deserve to have such nice things like his heart)

taichi became even more extroverted, making countless friends as he realized making lasting relationships was meant to be double–sided and not just an one–way effort. as a result, he made contact with people who actually liked him and valued him as a friend

taichi put out good energy into life, and he got it back in the form of fun, friends, and his family

taichi liked making connections with people in theatre troupes on veludo way, always staying back to applaud at street acts and exchange contact information

one day, he came across a recently up and coming troupe that nearly fainted when they caught sight of the bright red hair that distinguished taichi

(amongst troupes, taichi was even better than god troupe. taichi was a resident star that was so nice that everyone loved him)

now, they were his closest friend group outside of the mankai boys and noticed their street act, rushing over to congratulate them

“you guys did amazing! i’m so proud!” taichi fake–sobbed, running over and throwing himself onto one of them with a tight hug as the group of friends released a tight laugh after the nervewrecking performance

“ah taichi~ you have to stop before i fall in love with you!” someone said, pushing taichi off jokingly as he pouted like a puppy.

taichi was older now, less naive and innocent to the dating game, his heart didn’t flutter like it would’ve before when he was 16

taichi just laughed it off, and it didn’t affect him like before. he didn’t fall in love, he learned to tell the difference between friendly affection and true love

(but sometimes, taichi closed himself off in a room, listening to the playlists he made for you on loop for hours. but in his moments of weakness, taichi listened and listened and listened. he scoffed, you never even liked the songs to begin with. he felt silly for wasting his favorites on you)

(slowly, eventually, the songs sounded less like you. he began to enjoy them on the radio and sang along freely, your existence blocked from his train of thought)

taichi added to the conversation, putting in funny jokes everyone laughed at and it felt nice to be involved in other groups. they didn’t ignore him, or try to take advantage of his obvious need to be popular

(it was funny how taichi naturally became popular the moment he loved himself, like being happy was all it took)

he wasn’t clinging for the validation anymore, taichi knew he was funny. he was worth it. he was the best version of himself possible

the topic changed to the troupe’s show being premiered this weekend. taichi gladly accepted the ticket, promising to come and cheer on the cast the loudest he could

(he knew they’d do the same when autumn troupe performed. in fact, they did. it was so cool to see all the troupes on veludo way band together and support creativity)

taichi received a promotional poster, thanking the group as he headed back to the dorms. taichi glanced down at the names, nearing the door before skidding to a stop

your name was in bold, big letters. taichi almost didn’t recognize it, he nearly repressed you in his memory

taichi thought back on the love letters he stayed awake to write, nearly falling asleep as he forced himself to share his feelings honestly. remembered how you didn’t even look at them, how it looked like you’d rather do anything than try to understand him

taichi heard the playlists in his ears all at once, his favorite songs being dedicated to you and you hated them

taichi nearly opened his notebook to pen a letter for you, was about to start shuffling through the playlist before he stopped

he read your name. said it aloud. but that was it, taichi just stuffed the poster in his bag as he strolled in after his first year of university

you didn’t deserve any space in his mind after what you did, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t come support his friends

taichi refused to ever let you have the privilege of controlling any aspect of his life anymore, he was going to that damn show and would yell as loud as possible

taichi knew he wasn’t coming for you, but for people who actually liked him

when taichi went inside, he smiled as his friends greeted him enthusiastically. he was so lucky to be who he was today

on saturday night, taichi was on the edge of his seat as the play reached its climax. your acting, he hated to admit it, was almost on par with his. you were dominating the stage and then some, your energy easily bouncing off your cast mates. it’s like you were born for the stage

16–year–old taichi would have been insecure over his own abilities, sunk into his seat and reconsidered everything he did. maybe would have thought he should practice more, get advice, fix who he was

but 19–year–old taichi was older, wiser, better. just because you were good, didn’t mean he wasn’t any good. in fact, taichi smiled contently, he was sure he was just a bit better

(just a little, and his ego actually believed it)

taichi jumped to his feet to applaud rambunctiously when the cast came out to have a bow, whooping as he swung his arms around to get his friends’ attention

they all turned and waved, sending comedic air kisses as you finally recognized him, your face paling and hands shaking as you didn’t do anything

taichi just smiled, waiting as the audience cleared out and he was let into backstage only to be embraced by the sweaty, hyped cast

“taichi~ you made it!” they cheered and taichi grinned, ruffling the younger actor’s hair as his heart soared due to being seen as a mentor to the rookies. he noticed the way they admired him, wanted to be like him

(and for once in his life, taichi liked being his own person, too)

“of course! anything for my friends!” taichi returned the hug, being the last person to pull away as he individually greeted everyone with just as much excitement. backstage buzz was real and got everyone in the best mood ever

except, you

when taichi reached you, your face was nervous. almost, fearful. you looked wary, ready to bolt at any moment he opened his mouth

(and taichi realized he had the power. he could’ve exposed you right then and there. tell everyone what a manipulative, toxic, evil person you were for breaking his heart. for cheating on him when he did nothing but be loyal to you. you were trash, the gum at the bottom of shoe, and he could easily destroy your career if he just told everyone. they would trust him, you’d be over)

(if he was 16, he would’ve ended you. he would’ve shared all the awful, terrible, low things you did and you wouldn’t be anything anymore. the revenge was almost too good, he would actually win)

but... the hurt that was in him before, the pain that would’ve pushed him to have the upper hand, it wasn’t there. he didn’t feel anything towards you except he was sorry you weren’t with him anymore

(he was the best you ever had, he knew that)

instead, taichi smiled even bigger. he pulled a boquet of flowers from behind his back, the flowers he remembered were your favorite

“hey! long time no see!” taichi quickly pulled you in for a hug, your rigid posture against his chest as you awkwardly put your hands around him. taichi realized it was the first time you actually hugged him back, but he didn’t feel anything

taichi pretended that you stepped on his foot, pulling away with a dramatic “ouch!” as you widened your eyes, about to profusely say sorry before he waved it off

“come on, you don’t have to apologize for what happened! i forgive you, you know. we’re good.” taichi pretended to be talking about the minor issue, gesturing to his shoe as he handed you the flowers. but you understood he meant much more than that, and your eyes were brimmed with tears

“hey~ don’t cry! it was just a little boo boo, nothing time won’t fix.” taichi sympathetically pat your shoulder, knowng you didn’t deserve it. you were the one who wasn’t worthy this time, even you couldn’t believe taichi forgived you for all you done

but one smile and you knew he wasn’t lying

(even after all this time, he couldn’t hide his emotions. his heart was on his sleeve, but it was protected. it recovered. it healed)

taichi stood tall. stared you in the eye. stopped trailing after you like a lost puppy. you stepped back as the crowd took him back, inviting him to the afterparty as he happily agreed, knowing he was the life of the party

taichi didn’t even look back at you, like he completely forgot all about you

taichi didn’t talk to you for the rest of the night, but when he did, he was always the bigger person, acting like nothing ever happened

he really moved on, and he felt so sorry for you he had to forgive you

(you had texted him later that night, wanting to meet up to talk. taichi opened the message, almost laughed, and closed his phone. he left you on read, he deleted your number again)

taichi was his own person now; he wasn’t in love with you anymore, he was in love with himself

and he was enjoying himself

taichi didn’t look back, not anymore

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a-mythical-lady · 3 years ago

Text

Books and me.

14 years ago

(Age: 7)

It was bedtime and maa had just made my bed when I heard the front door open. Papa was home from work and I could hear bhai running to see papa and tell him random stuff. I bet papa listened to everything, despite being tired. After that, he came to my room, "Look what I got you" he said, and extended a book to me. I was confused as he had never brought me a book before. It was a book called Panchatantra. A story of an old rishi who gives life lessons to his five shishyas at the gurukul through stories about nature and animals. I was excited about getting my first book and begrudgingly, maa let me stay up later than usual. That night, sprawled on my bed, I was entranced and fascinated by all the different stories and scenes and talking animals. The next morning, I woke up by myself and finished the entire book by noon.

The next thing I know, I'm collecting comics and storybooks and getting addicted to them. Piling up tinkle comics, Archie's and Amar Chitra Katha was my only goal. Every train journey to my native place involved dragging papa to the railway station bookstore and getting myself a comic book for the train ride. I begged my parents to subscribe to storybooks along with the daily morning newspaper, and they relented after a lot of coaxing. Then, every Monday morning I'd wait eagerly for the newspaper boy to deliver my weekly dose of happiness with books of chacha Choudary, chandamama, and champak. Soon, this became an obsession that even my parents started noticing. Maa began hiding my copies of storybooks during the exams and giving them back only after all my exams were done. I began pestering papa to get me more and more books every day. Sometimes he would get me a double digest edition of tinkle and I'd be ecstatic and over the moon. It's amazing how something so small and silly used to make me so happy. I'd re-read the same books once I'd gone through my entire stash of new books. Out of desperation, I'd read anything I could lay my hands on. In school, we used to get all our term textbooks a month before the reopening of a new academic year and my English textbooks fell prey to this obsession of mine. I'd know all the lessons and stories by heart before the school year started. I think that was one of the reasons for the nerd label I got in school. I even started reading stories from the Bible, borrowing storybooks from another girl in my neighborhood. Little did I know that this was only the beginning.

10 years ago

(Age: 11)

One fine summer afternoon, bhai was busy watching tv in the living room and maa and papa were at work. We had free rein on the tv as it was the summer holidays and I had free rein on my books. I was lazing around in my room and started searching the entire house for something new to read. And finally, I found a book among bhai's things. It was probably a gift. It wasn't a comic book or a usual storybook. This one was an actual book. A novel. And it had no pictures. I was skeptical but boredom got the best of me and I decided to read a few pages to pass the time. It was a hardy boys book, written by Franklin W Dixon. After reading a few pages, my 11-year-old brain almost exploded with fascination. The style of writing, the mystery, the suspense of the entire book drew me in completely and I knew then, this was a turning point in my life where books are concerned. I felt almost grown-up. And so I read the 200 page novel with wide eyes and a bursting heart in 3 hours, without even getting up to pee. I went and told bhai about the new book I read. He laughed it off. I told maa and papa when they came back from work. "That's good beta", they said. I was disappointed that they didn't feel the same exhilaration that I did. Papa still got my books whenever I asked him. For the second time, I found myself collecting and piling up books. All of the hardy boys and Nancy drew collections. Once again, I was entranced, trapped yet alive like never before in a whole new world.

After that, a multitude of options lay before me. I dived headfirst into reading mystery and moved onto classics written by Charles Dickens, The Bronté sisters, Mary Shelly, and even a dash of Shakespeare. I fell in love with David Copperfield, Oliver twist, treasure island, Jane Eyre and Frankenstein.

But eventually, buying books so often became a chore and at the pace I was reading, with one book hardly lasting a day, we couldn't afford to buy as many books. So, then one day, maa and I set out on a goose chase all over the city looking for libraries where I could borrow books from. At last, we found an old government library inside an even older building that looked almost haunted. And as we bravely stepped into the barely holding up building, we only found old uncles reading newspapers and gossiping. Thankfully, there was a rack of English fiction. Just one single rack. Although mildly disappointed, I was determined to make do with that. I got myself a membership plan and my reading palette had its first taste of Indian authors. That one rack had a fair collection of young adult books, standalone contemporary novels which sated my hunger for quite some time. While other people gushed over my habit of reading books, my parents were a little concerned. But as I started writing my own speeches in school, improved in my speaking skills, I'm sure they were convinced and over time, I think they accepted this obsession of mine. Or at the very least, were forced to.

6 years ago.

(Age: 15)

My love for reading only grew and now I had a book beside me during breakfast, lunch, and dinner which my parents barely tolerated. I even started planting a book in every corner of my house for easy access, under the coffee table, by my bed, on my study table. While kids my age sneaked mobile phones under their pillows, I sneaked in books to read.

After a few years, I finally met a kindred spirit with a shared love for reading. He was older than me and introduced me to books by Dan Brown. I listened with rapt attention to the plot of the book and I immediately knew that my days of reading hardy boys and young adult books were over. It's crazy how transitioning between genres and different types of books made me feel older and mature over the years. Few pages into the Da Vinci code and I fell, hook, line, and sinker. I finished the entire 500-page book in a day. Back then, I was pretty adamant about having my own copies of books and collecting them, which I guess stemmed from my childhood obsession with collecting comics. Soon, I'd exhausted the books at the old library and had no other option but to trade in my precious books for second-hand books at a wholesale book store very far away from home. Because they were at a secondhand rate, I could now afford more books and although the pages were worn out and yellowed, I was happy. The already folded pages, notes in the corners of some pages jotted down by the previous owner made me feel oddly connected and attached.

Present-day

(Age: 21)

As I grew up and left my teenage years behind, life and boards got in my way and there were gaps when I couldn't read no matter how hard I tried. But once I found my way back to books. I knew what I was missing and knew that I would never stop reading again. I still read books by Dan Brown, Sydney Sheldon, and Nora Roberts. I found quite a few talented Indian authors. Books by Durjoy Dutta and Ravinder Singh made me fall in love with contemporary romance and light humor. I've moved on to reading books on my phone now. I miss turning pages of an actual book, but on the bright side, I get to read countless books anytime and anywhere I want. I've explored many genres over the years, murder and crime thrillers, romance, contemporary, dark fiction, and comedy, and read them accordingly when the mood strikes.

If there's one thing that has been a constant through my childhood, it has been books. Reading is a huge part of my life and very close to my heart. Words and writing mean so much to me. Books have been my solace, my safe place, my companions as I grew up, my fantasy land, and my hiding place all rolled into one. I've cried, loved, smiled, and laughed with books and I can't describe how utterly grateful I am to maa and papa for getting me my first book when I was just 7 and letting me explore my love for reading.

Although, there's one thing I'd like to admit. There's this one genre that I've never read - non-fiction and strangely, I'm still very skeptical about it. But you never know, over time I might come to like that as well!

MAJ

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badwolf-in-the-impala · 4 years ago

Text

~Whiskey Lullaby~

~Chapter 11~

Image credit: Myself @badwolf-in-the-impala. None of the images are mine, only the editing.

Previous Chapters: ((Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10))

Rating: Mature/18+

Warnings: Alcohol and drug use/abuse, violence, suggested physical/sexual abuse, kidnapping, sexual content, angst...So much angst.

Chapter warnings: Language, smoking, someone gets punched in the face and a whole lotta feels.

Word count: 4,264

A/N: I’m a shitty person when it comes to posting, I’m sorry...I also forget this chapter even existed. Oops. x_x Also huge shoutout to @jacksonroseroth who helped in the making of this chapter and always comes to my recue when I get stuck writing! ^-^

-----------------------------------

Once they were sure Tawni had left the room, Tig gave Teagan one last hug before jetting off, having gotten a text to meet the guys in the chapel. Teagan bit back her tears, having enough with crying for the day as she sat down in the chair beside Chibs’ bed. The steady beeping of the EKG machine drummed in her head as she sat there in silence. He wasn’t out of the woods, but he wasn’t dead. Her only regret was he hadn’t woken up yet so he could talk to her. Teagan just wanted to hear his voice right now, more than anything.

“God...I’ve really fucked it up this time.” She gave a bitter laugh as she shook her head, leaning her elbows forward onto the edge of the bed as she cradled her head in her hands. “I feel like this is all my fault, and the two people I trust and care about most? Well, Tawni hates me; And you?”

Teagan let out a long sigh as she ran a hand through her dark hair, looking up to study a very unconscious Chibs. His head bandaged and face scraped in places from where he hit the ground during the explosion. He looked so broken and helpless lying in a hospital bed compared to his usual tough exterior that everyone saw.

“Well -- You almost died.” She finally whispered, catching a stray tear with the back of her sleeve. “Shit, you still could. Please don’t.” Teagan choked out a sob as she took his hand gently, her voice going soft as she spoke to him. The fact that he likely couldn’t hear her briefly crossed her mind as she chewed her lower lip anxiously, but she continued anyway.

“There’s so much I need to tell you still...Things I should’ve told you already, probably, if I wasn’t so shit at talking about my feelings.” Teagan admitted guiltily. “Things I’m scared to admit because I’ve been here before, and I fucking swore to myself; I fucking swore! That I wouldn’t go down this road again. But alas, here I am. God I’m an idiot.”

Things fell silent again for a little while, the steady beeping of the EKG machine being the only noise to fill the room once more. Teagan not knowing how to continue on, not that it mattered anyway. Chibs was unconscious and he would likely remain that way for quite a while. But the bigger question that had been weighing heavily on her mind -- Especially following her blow up with Tawni -- was not so much her own feelings, but his. It wasn’t something she had really even considered bringing up yet, what with everything that had been going on. But now? Now she wondered.

Just what exactly was it that he saw he saw in her? I mean sure, it wasn’t like things were really that serious between them, but they were serious enough that he cared for her well being. Her safety even. He cared enough to help her put herself back together every time she fell apart, even though he barely knew anything about her. Save for the story that had been pieced together all those years ago when she left Charming. The story that everyone knew so well. The story, that was only half truth.

Teagan could feel the tears beginning to prick behind her eyes again, forcing herself to draw in a few deep breaths as she tightened her grip on Chibs’ hand, trying her best to ground her emotions again. But her voice still faltered as she spoke aloud the question she wasn’t certain would ever be answered.

“What is it exactly that you see in me?” Tegan whispered. Her brows pulled tightly together in confusion as she ran a thumb carefully across his scared cheek and down his jawline before allowing her hand to fall away. Before Teagan could say anything else, the door swung open, making her jump. She quickly pulled her hand away and wiped her face as she stood. “Sorry, Doc. I just wanted to-”

As Teagan turned, expecting Tara to be standing in the doorway, she, instead, came face to face with an older, darker skinned woman with black hair that had begun to salt and pepper, holding onto the bag slung over her shoulder with a hip popped, hand propped on it, with a posh and annoyed look on her face.

“Oh. Um, sorry. I thought you were--Who are you?” Teagan asked, slightly confused. She’d never seen this woman around the clubhouse before and Chibs never mentioned any woman that even came close to what she looked like.

“I think the question here would be who the hell are you?” She asked, a thick Irish accent coming through. Teagan’s eyes shrunk back.

Oh, God, not another one. Teagan thought. She’d never met Tawni’s mother and she hoped to God this wasn’t her. Granted Tawni was as pale as the day was long, but stranger things have happened. Taken aback by the woman, Teagan blinked and cleared her throat before she said, “Um, I’m-I’m Teagan?”

The woman pursed her lips and gave a soft ‘Mhm’ as she rounded the bed and set her bag down. Tossing her dark mane over her shoulder, she turned back to Teagan and said, “And would ye mind tellin’ me why yeh’re so broken and upset over m’husband’s accident? And why you were touchin’ him like that?”

It took everything Teagan had to not let her mouth drop open in shock and start yelling. Chibs never once mentioned he had a wife. Not when he held her that first night, not when she spent multiple nights in his bed. He didn't even bother to tell her when they were mere articles of clothing away from doing the do.

‘Alright…That puts a new spin on shit.’ Teagan thought, not trusting herself enough to say anything out loud just yet. Teagan opened her mouth to explain, but the woman cut her off with a wave of her hand and said, “No. Don’t tell me. I don’ need ta’hear any lies out’o a Crow Eaters mouth.”

“Excuse me?!” Teagan shrieked. That one label sent her over the edge. She did her share of whoring around when she was younger, but goddamnit! She was the sister of one of the members! She was as far from a Crow Eater as you could get without being an Old Lady! “Listen, who the hell do you think you are?! You don’t know me!”

“Oh, sure, please!” The woman shouted back. “I know Filip has his fun wit’ you American girls. But never once has one o’them shown their face when I’m around!”

Teagan was about to channel Tawni and reach across Chibs’ bed for a right hook to her face, when a nurse hurried in through the open door.

“What is going on? ICU is for immediate family only!” She said. Teagan opened her mouth to lie and say she was family, but the Irish woman beat her to it with, “I’m his wife.”

The nurse gave her a sweet smile and nodded before turning to Teagan and saying, “Miss Trager, you need to leave. Dr. Knowles is looking for you anyway.”

Teagan huffed at the nurse, shooting daggers at the woman before turning on her heel and marching out of the room.

Gemma had lost track of Teagan after reprimanding Jax and just prayed that Teagan didn't end up running back into Tawni. She really didn't need to deal with an angry Irish girl and a Trager, at least not at the same time. The last thing they needed was an all out brawl between a couple of hot headed biker chicks on hospital grounds. But after checking around with a few of the guys, she confirmed that Tawni had indeed gone back to the Clubhouse. And judging from the commotion coming from down the hall nearest Chibs’ room, Gemma could only guess that’s where Teagan had ended up.

“Shit.” Gemma muttered under her breath as she quickened her pace as she moved towards whatever in the hell was going on; Stepping back just in time as Teagan blew around the corner and passed her, Tara hot on her heels trying her best to stop her.

“I’m serious, Teagan, you really need to stay overnight for observation! You have a concussion for Christ sake, just let me help!” Tara tried to reason.

“I don’t fucking need anymore help!” Teagan stopped so suddenly that Tara almost smacked right into her. Taking a quick step back with a wide eyed expression as Teagan rounded on her like a viper about to strike its prey.

“Hey! Knock it the hell off!” Gemma managed to butt in between the two, putting a hand to Teagan’s chest as she pushed her back. “This isn’t the goddamn WWE. Now why don’t you calm down and tell me what the hell is going on?”

“He has a fuckin’ wife!” Teagan all but screeched before storming off down the hall towards the exit to the stairs. ‘Explains a lot.’ Gemma thought to herself, pinching the bridge of her nose as she turned to face Tara. “I got it from here, Doc.”

“Good luck.” Tara called after her as Gemma took off after Teagan, catching her on the stairs.

“Wanna slow down before I have a fucking heart attack?” Gemma shouted as she struggled to catch up in hopes of talking Teagan out of whatever in the hell she was about to do.

“Fuck off, Gem!” Teagan shouted back as she hit the last flight of stairs and made her break for the door. Gemma caught her by the arm just as she was stepping outside. “Seriously, Gem, I don’t want to fucking hear it.”

“And what is it exactly you think I’m gonna say?” Gemma shot back, hands flying to her hips as she gave Teagan an irritated and disapproving look.

“I don’t fucking know!?” Teagan yelled as she fished around in her pockets angrily for her pack of smokes, struggling to light one as her hands trembled from all the emotions coursing through her. So angry at this point she could hardly see straight. “I told you so? You’re a fucking idiot? Stay away and stop getting involved with the fucking Club members?!”

Teagan gave a brief pause as she took a long drag off of her cigarette, running a hand aggressively through her dark hair as she exhaled. “Jesus, fuck; Why didn’t you tell me he had a fucking wife?!” She rounded on Gemma, who stood still as a statue, waiting for her moment to interject.

“Maybe ‘cause it ain’t my place, for starters.” Gemma snapped. “And before you go jumping on that fuckin’ high horse of yours, maybe take a step back and think? It’s not like he fuckin’ knows shit about your own past, aside from the bullshit story everyone else knows. So why would he feel obligated to tell you anything about his? Especially when you two aren’t even exclusive. I mean Jesus, Teag, have you two even talked about your feelings?”

“No…” Teagan admitted reluctantly, taking another drag off the cigarette burning between her fingers as she turned her back. Gemma had a point, even if Teagan didn’t want to admit it. But that didn’t change the fact she felt lied to. Betrayed even. Even if Chibs was never hers to begin with, it didn’t change the fact that he had kept this very important bit of information from her.

“Then why should it matter?” Gemma stated. “His business is his business, nobody else’s!”

“He’s fuckin’ married, Gem!” Teagan shouted as she whirled around, seething again. “I don’t give two fucking shits why, or what his reasonings for not telling me are, that’s not something you just keep from the person you’re getting involved with!”

“Jesus Christ…” Gemma gave a frustrated sigh as she closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Teage--”

“NO, Gemma, I’m done. I’m.Fucking.Done.” Teagan cut her off before taking one last drag, flicking the cigarette butt to the sidewalk as she began looking around for a way back to the Clubhouse. Panic setting in as she realized everyone had gone home except for Gemma.

“Look, Sweetheart, I know you’re upset, and don’t get me wrong, you have every right to be--But this ain’t the time.”

“Seriously, just save it! OK?” Teagan snapped, closing her eyes as she rubbed at her temples. A sudden wave of dizziness hitting her out of nowhere.

“You need to calm down…Let’s just go back inside for a bit till you cool off.” Gemma stated firmly as she moved to take Teagan by the arm and lead her back inside. Gritting her teeth as Teagan pushed her way.

“I’m fine...Gem…” Teagan shot back as she pulled away, reaching a hand out to steady herself against the pillar in front of her as the edges of her vision started to blur. But by then, it was already too late. Her hand missed the pillar entirely and her vision quickly went black as she fell to the ground, Gemma managing to grab her before her head hit the concrete.

“Shit…” Gemma muttered as she laid Teagan carefully on the sidewalk before rushing back inside the hospital to grab a nurse.

The slow and steady beeping filled her ears as Teagan came to, finally hooked up to monitors and IVs. She let out a soft groan as the EKG beeps began to pound against her skull. Before she could have any other reaction, from the corner, almost making her jump and fall out of bed, she heard Gemma say, “Oh, good. You’re not dead.”

“Jesus Fuck, Gemma!” Teagan shouted, the EKG beeping wildly for a moment or two before the steady pace continued. Teagan sighed and tried to move but found it rather painful with needles sticking out of her arms. She sighed and shifted, trying to get a better look at her surroundings. “Why am I still here?”

Gemma slapped down the magazine in her hand and crossed her legs. “Because you almost took a fuckin’ cement nap if I hadn’t caught you, Teagan Marie.” She said. Teagan let out another groan.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Gemma! Not the middle name shit! I got that enough growing up!” She said. Gemma uncrossed her legs and stood, stalking over to her bed.

“I don’t give a shit what you got growing up, missy.” Gemma said. “You’ve done enough damage, you don’t need any more in your life. You don’t want me to treat you like you did growing up? Then fuckin’ grow up!”

Gemma walked away from the bed and grabbed her purse from the table next to her chair and made for the door. With her emotions running high, probably from the drugs Tara put her on, Teagan fought her tears, though they came through as she said, “Wait...Gem. Please don’t leave me alone…”

Gemma stopped and turned to her. Teagan couldn’t stop the tears seeping from the corners of her eyes as she struggled not to completely break down and sob. Gemma sighed and set her bag back down, going back over to her and taking her hand.

“Teagan...This is serious shit we’re in right now. And if you’re gonna stick around, you’ll be involved. Do you really think it’s a good idea to get involved with Chibs? Let alone any member right now?” Gemma asked, lowering her voice to a softer tone. Teagan sighed, looking away from Gemma, angry with herself for crying again.

“I don’t know, Gem. It-It’s different this time. With Chibs.” She said. “He doesn’t treat me like I’m a no good degenerate like everyone else does.”

“Oh, baby.” Gemma said with a soft chuckle. “That’s not true; Jax doesn’t. Tawni never did. Clay doesn’t. I don't.”

Teagan gave her a look that made Gemma smirk and add, “Alright...Not all the time. But still, Teagan, I mean…”

“Gemma.” Teagan took a breath and said, “I think I might be in love with him.”

Gemma blinked, shocked, and said, “Are-Are you serious? Jesus, Teage, you’ve known him for like, a month.”

Teagan rolled her eyes and sighed. “Fuck. Gemma. I’m trying to be fucking happy for once in my life! Genuinely happy! And he’s fucking married!” Teagan said.

“Honey. That’s never stopped him before. Jimmy O’Phelan stole Fiona from Chibs before he exiled him from Ireland. Sure he still loves her, but...Well, he has needs too. He’s had relationships in the past. It doesn’t bother him. Why should it bother you?” Gemma asked.

“Maybe because I don’t want to be called a fucking Crow Eater by that bitch again?” Teagan hissed, her anger getting the better of her and making the EKG go off again. Gemma sighed and said, “Alright, honey, you need to calm down. If you want the Doc to clear you to leave, you’ve gotta get that anger under control.”

Teagan sighed and nodded, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths. Good God, did she want to get out of this fucking hospital. She cleared her throat and said, “Um, is-is he awake?”

“Teagan…” Gemma sighed.

“Gem, I just want to make sure he’s okay. Tell him I’m sorry.” She said.

“For what?” Gemma asked. Teagan opened her mouth to respond, but stopped when she realized she wasn’t quite sure.

“I-I-” Gemma stopped her and said, “Look. Before you do anything, I want you cleared by the doc. Make sure everything is working right up there. You’ve taken a few punches already and we don’t need you passing out on us again.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Alright. But can we make it quick? I want to fucking shower too.” Teagan said. Gemma chuckled and gave Teagan a kiss on her cheek before she left the room to flag down Tara.

After a lengthy talk about making sure she was monitored for the next few days, Tara finally cleared her to leave. Teagan couldn’t change fast enough. Gemma had run back to the clubhouse and packed her a small bag of new clothes. Once she changed and the papers were signed, Gemma walked Teagan up to Chibs’ floor and stopped her.

“Just give me a minute, Teagan, okay?” Gemma said, sitting the girl down in a nearby chair before sidestepping to the door. With her hand on the door knob, she stopped when she saw Fiona sitting in the chair, reading a magazine.

‘Oh, shit.’ She thought as she slowly opened the door and walked in. Fiona glanced up as the door opened as surprised to see Gemma as Gemma was to see her. With a sigh and uncrossing her legs, Fiona put down her magazine and stood. Gemma went to the counter to set down her bag as she said, “You’re a long way from home, sweetheart.”

“Yes. I am.” Fiona said, rather matter of factly. Gemma braced a hand on the counter, the other on her hip and asked, plainly, “Why?”

“I was worried about him.” Fiona said, almost a hint of offence in her voice. Gemma looked unconvinced as she said, “Could’ve sent flowers.”

Fiona’s face was full of annoyance at this point, uphased at how much Gemma hadn’t changed over the years. With an equal annoyance in her voice, she said, “Just needed to see him, Gemma.”

Gemma glanced at Chibs, making sure he wasn’t awake and listening as she crossed in front of Fiona and said, “We are in a shit storm here. The last thing we need is you turning him inside out.”

Teagan stayed out of view from the window on the door, ear pressed to it, listening. She didn't know what Gemma meant by ‘turning him inside out’, but she didn't need an interpreter for it, and booked it, swiping her bag from the chair and beelining for the elevator. Clearly, this Fiona woman had an effect on Chibs and, after all, she was his fucking wife. She didn't want to ruin Chibs’ relationship with her and had her mind made up, even before she hijacked Tig’s bike, parked with the others. She hotwired the Harley, strapped on Tig’s helmet and took off as the club came running back outside, ready to deal a beat down, but they were all caught off guard to see Teagan as the thief.

“Hey! Teagan-!” Tig called in disbelief. He sighed and turned to his crew, staring at them for a moment before he said, “Unbelievable.”

Teagan lit into the Clubhouse like the place was on fire. Ignoring Piney’s attempts to slow her down and tell him what the hell was going on as she passed by the bar and made her way down the hall to the dorms; Throwing the door to her room open. The sound of it slamming against the wall sending an echo loud enough down the hallway that it could’ve woke people up in the next County over.

Grabbing her pack from the closet she quickly began to stuff in the essentials. Making sure to do so quickly as she knew at least a few of the guys would be on their way back and pulling in soon. Tig being among them, given she had just stolen his pride and joy. So the sooner she got out of there, the better. Besides, the last thing she wanted was anyone trying to stop her…

Her mind was made up...She was done. Charming had been her last chance at a safe haven, but now that had been shattered into a million pieces and all because she let her feelings get in the way. Just like she always did. Funny she had actually believed that things had actually turned in her favor for once, and that maybe she finally had a shot at real happiness despite the shitstorm that had been chasing her all her life. But she couldn’t have been more wrong.

“What in the fuck are you doing?” Tawni grumbled crankily from the doorway of Teagan’s room, still half asleep; Teagan turning and narrowing her gaze.

“Leaving.” Teagan snapped as she tugged the zipper on her pack shut and threw it over her shoulder before stalking out of the room. Shoulder checking Tawni on the way out when she didn’t move.

“Seriously?!” Tawni huffed as she turned and started after Teagan. “You’re gonna be a bitch this fucking early?!”

“I’m done. Gone. Not fucking coming back. You should be fucking happy!” Teagan rounded on Tawni, causing her to take a step back as she stared at Teagan a little shocked as those few that remained in the Clubhouse fell silent. “Can’t fuck your Uncle if I’m not around anymore, right? Because as if things weren’t shitty enough -- To add insult to injury, my best fucking friend--Sorry ex best friend, just assumes, that I would go behind her back in such a way--”

“Teagan--”

“Fuckin’ save it Tawn, ‘cause I don’t give a shit anymore.” Teagan cut her off before she could even start. “And to think, I actually fucking cared...I mean genuinely fucking cared, for the first time in a long time...But he’s married, so crisis averted. ” She laughed bitterly, turning on her heel as she started for the door again.

“And you’re answer to it all is to run like a fucking coward? Just like you’ve always done?!” Tawni started after Teagan again, not ready to let her go so easily. But she stopped when Teagan dropped her bag abruptly, her fist suddenly connecting with Tawni’s jaw, sending her to the floor.

“I thought you were my fucking friend.” Teagan’s voice was calm, showing in it the level of hurt she was feeling right now as she shook her head.

“C’mon, Kid, don’t do this.” Piney butted in as he got to his feet, holding his hands out as if he was trying to calm a wild animal as he approached her. Stopping when Teagan held out a hand to stop him, and picked up her bag.

“Save it.”

“What the fucking Christ, Teagan?!” Tig hollered as he came bursting through the doors of the Clubhouse, Jax and Opie close behind.

“Don’t.” Teagan snapped coldly as she pushed past her brother and out the door; yanking her arm from Opie’s grasp when he tried to grab her.

“Come on, Rave...Don’t do it like this.” Opie pleaded with a sympathetic expression as he stared down at her as she pushed past him out the door. “At least tell us what’s going on?”

“She’s fuckin’ my Goddamn Uncle, is wha’s goin’ on!” Tawni shouted as she came flying out the door in the midst of all the chaos, hellbent on finishing what had just been started.

“You know…” Teagan gave another hollow sounding laugh, turning with tears in her eyes to face Tawni who stopped when she saw her twisted expression. “I actually wish I had gotten the chance.”

Without another word she turned, crossing the lot the rest of the way to her bike, securing her pack to the sissy bar before she climbed on and pulled on her helmet. The sound of the engine roaring to life drowning out Tig’s shouts as he came running across the Teller-Morrow lot after her; Falling just short of reaching her as she pulled out of her space and hit the throttle. Leaving behind a sea of shocked and confused faces in her wake as she left it all behind.

Hellbent on never looking back.

----------------------------------------------------

Lemme know what you guys think! I promise things pick up soon and get more interesting lol And if you want to be added the taglist, or removed ((it’s been a long time, I’d understand if anyone's lost interest)) just let me know. I’m actually getting ahead on chapters, so hopefully I’ll be able to start posting a little more often.

TAGLIST: @jacksonroseroth @cole-winchester @stacie-marie-bloom @journeyrose @penny4yourthot @xbreezymeadowsx @miss-nori85

#Sons of Anarchy #SOA #SAMCRO #Chibs Telford #Filip Chibs Telford #Tommy Flanagan #Sons of Anarchy Fic #SOA fanfiction #Chibs Telford x OFC #Filip Telford #Filip Telford x OFC #Fanfiction #Fanfic #Writing #original female character #Whiskey Lullaby #Megan halfway gets her life together enough to post a story update #Sorry I'm a shit person

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louistomlinsoncouk · 5 years ago

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Louis Tomlinson shot to international and unprecedented fame back in 2010, as one firth of One Direction on the X-Factor.

Fast forward ten years and Louis Tomlinson – now 27 years-old has experienced the most incredible professional highs with mind boggling achievements such as winning five Brit awards, embarking on record breaking international tours that outsold even Katy Perry and The Rolling Stones and selling over 50 million records worldwide all as part of one of the planets most successful ever boybands.

But during this time Louis has also experienced many personal lows, all whilst under the microscope of extreme public attention. In late 2016 Louis’ mother died and in March this year Louis also lost his sister. Despite these life changing moments, Louis has used the lows to empower him with him notably writing the powerful, Two of Us and returning to the X-Factor stage the day after his mother’s death to perform his collaboration with Steve Aoki, Just Hold On! Louis’ response to the darkest times of his life are nothing short of inspiring.

In our latest edition of GLAMOUR UNFILTERED, hosted by Josh Smith, Louis Tomlinson talks about how he has leaned into his vulnerability, how hard it was for him to establish his own identity away from One Direction to create his own path as a solo artist and how his relationship with the brotherhood in the band has changed…

With a new album, new songs and a tour on the way, what does Louis 2.0 represent?

I haven't really thought about it really, but I think musically what I was really happy with on this album is my first single of this, Kill My Mind. I feel like I am a little bit more mature in my songwriting, and I feel like as time goes on, the more songs that I write, I feel like I understand lyrics more and more. I'm just honest I'd say.

What do you think has been the hardest thing for you to be honest about with yourself?

To be honest, I'm lucky with where I grew up. In Doncaster we wear our heart on our sleeves really. So, it comes naturally to me really to just be open about the way that I feel. I think it's important to do that in songwriting. I just see it as honesty.

There is still so much stigma around men being vulnerable – how have you navigated around the stereotype?

I'm aware of it, but it’s not how I operate personally. I've always kind of owned it. I think my mum did a good job of bringing me up and taught me good values. When we wrote Two of Us, that was obviously a very personal song for me, and probably the most vulnerable I've been, especially on a song. But it feels good to be honest and talk about these things and encourage other people to talk about these things.

What's been the most amazing reaction to that honesty for you?

It was with Two of Us, to be honest. It was just, I've had a couple of moments where fans have come up to me and told me what that song means to them and maybe they've just had a loss in their life. I never really had that in the band to that level, my lyrics really meaning something to people. So, that's incredible.

What have you learnt about yourself through being a front man?

I feel like I've learnt to trust my gut more and just own my decisions, because when there's a lot of people around you that, there's always a lot of opinions. So, I feel like I understand myself more as an artist, I understand myself more as a songwriter. I’ve just been trusting my gut more I think as I've got older. To be honest, kind of what you see is what you get with me and I've always been that way. There's not really too much complexity to it - I'm lucky like that.

You have been through so many extreme private moments in such a public sphere. How have you coped with that?

It was definitely difficult at first, when I first got put in the band and having to deal with not having as much privacy. But I suppose as time goes on you grow to understand it and get used to it. To be honest, there have been some pretty hard times in my life, and although I wouldn't have chosen to have them played out in the public, some of the reactions and some of the stuff I got from fans was incredible too. It’s tit for tat really. It’s been difficult, but that's life anyway, it's just that on a massive scale. I suppose at the start of the band I struggled a little bit with that, but I think I'm pretty resilient and look, I'm lucky that I had the experience at that level. I'm also quite persistent. It was actually the third year that I'd auditioned for X Factor that I got put in the band and you have to have a certain amount of self-belief for that.

What advice would you want to give the you, who went through those private moments now?

I would just say, "Trust yourself and trust your gut, because those things are important, and nobody understands you better than you."

How strange was it for you to go from having that immediate support network of the other four members of One Direction almost gone over night?

It was difficult. There are still people around me that were, like my vocal coach for example, that were around, and she plays a big role in my career. So, there is still enough familiar faces to not kind of feel like alienated and on my own, but it definitely took some getting used to. One Direction was such a well-working machine, so it definitely took some getting used to. But I think, as you spend time on your own you find new people that you really got on with and develop those relationships.

How did you build your identity away from the band?

It took me a second to understand that I was on my own now, and my identity for so long was part of a collective, and obviously you still have an individual identity within that, but you're upholding this collective identity. So, I think it took me a second to kind of understand that I can be a bit of a chav again!

Did you ever feel like were having to put anything on during the band?

You see, I think sometimes people insinuate that it might be the record label and management that make you like this, but it's not. You're respectful of the fan base and their age, and we had a young fan base. Also, they've got mums who can get angry if you piss them off!

Was there a turning point in discovering who you are as a person?

I think I'm lucky that I can kind of come to those conclusions almost through my music. As I've started trusting myself more musically and my musical instincts, there is an overlap with real life there as well.

What's been the career high and low you have learnt the most from?

The high I've learnt the most from would be collectively the One Direction experience and so much that comes with that. It was an incredible experience and taught me so much along the way. In terms of the lows, it's been quite difficult at times to understand the difference between the experience that I have with the band and the experience that I have now, and how relevant that is to a solo artist. I think that's taken me a second to work out, there's some, like the way I started my career as a solo artist and I released a couple of feature songs, which I think are great songs, but looking back I feel like maybe didn't say too much about me musically and my influences All of these things I've kind of had to learn from to get here really.

Looking back over the last ten years is there anything you would change?

In reality I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I think every mistake is all part of your journey, and you do definitely learn something every time. So, in terms of my career and how I've come across publicly and all of that, no, I wouldn't change anything to be honest.

What advice would you want to give someone who has gone through the same life experiences as you?

Find the people in your life that you know you love and trust and talk it through with people. Because I might come across as confident but obviously you have moments where you build things up in your head. The longer you live with that thought you think it's big, it ends up being bigger than the reality of the situation. So, I think just as much communication as possible especially with your family.

How has your relationship with brotherhood changed in your life?

I suppose my career has helped me see the world and meet a lot of different people, and I think that gives you a certain level of understanding. As I've got older really, my responsibility has changed with my sisters and my little brother. I'm currently trying to have a conversation with my twin sisters to go to the sixth form! I try to be more mature but as a brother you have to be.

How have you leaned into your immediate brotherhood of the band at different times in your life?

I think, honestly, there's obviously times where you have better relationships with other members than you do others, but that connection, that'll be forever. Definitely. Because, we experienced so much in a relatively short space of time and it was crazy what we all saw together and experienced, so I think that is something that we'll have forever, really. Definitely. Sometimes you might not see eye to eye, but that's the way friendships go in real life!

You can listen to Louis's tracks 'Don't Let It Break You Heart' and 'We Made It' now, taken from his debut album 'Walls' out January 31st

#louis tomlinson #17dec19

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scaryscarecrows · 5 years ago

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Bat-recs

Y’know, for fun! Add your favorites; we were all new to this hell at some point, maybe this could be useful for someone.

Batman: Gothic

This was actually the second one I bought; it came across my table when I volunteered at a used library books organization. Two bucks. Immortal murderer? Haunted underwater monastery? Generally freaky? Sign me up! NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE WEE BABES, we got child murder, mentions of sexual assaults, and a literal head in the trash can. Poor Bruce. This story put him through the absolute wringer and I want to hug him.

The Cult

Also freaky! Bane says he broke Batman. Bane broke Batman a few years LATER; Blackfire...jeeze, man. (So far, two for two on the whole ‘immortal evil religious figure’. Hm.) Psychological horror out to HERE, and there’s a couple of pages that just WORK so WELL, when Robin!Jason finally finds poor Bruce. Also not for children, here there be a lotta bodies. And rats. And Bruce being...uh...well, we don’t need to talk about that now.

Scarecrow Year One

MY FIRST AND FAVORITE. (Ahh, evil religious individual! But not immortal this time.) Jonathan Crane’s backstory-one of them-with bonus Batdad content. Sean Murphy's sketchy artwork works really, really well for, well, Scarecrow, and Baby Crane is a little cutie. Protect him at all costs. Eh, if you or your kid’s a frightened type, the swarms of attacking crows might be a bit much, but there’s no corpse-stacks or child murder this time.

Li’l Gotham

Tired of everything hurting? Say no more. Tooth-rotting fluff is HERE. Batfamily getting along. Damian loves his mom and she loves him back and I am HAPPY ABOUT IT. This is what you’d think DC is like all the time, based on fic. Worth having for when they inevitably ruin something else. The same team has since done Once Upon a Crime, which is also precious.

White Knight

Did I see ‘Sean Murphy’ and smash the preorder? Yeah. Do I decree that this Ivy design is the best Ivy? Yeah. Elseworlds/Black Label, so he’s free to deconstruct Batman...and Batman’s proclivity for destroying Gotham in the pursuit of one asshole. (I feel a little called out, given my driving in Arkham Knight.) Has a sequel, and I’m waiting for the TP, but I’m sure I’ll love it just the same. Harley’s looking good here, guys; she is taking no shit AND she’s not being treated as a bimbo. She has brains and she’s not afraid to use them! Eh, mild nudity and violence, but barring Jason Todd’s standard woes, I’d rate it about the same as SYO in terms of ‘will this traumatize my kid?’

Under the Red Hood

1) No kids. There’s a bag o’ severed heads lovingly detailed like, five pages in. Red Hood ain’t Batman, a fact that he would like to make very clear.

2) THE SASS. THE SAAAAAAASS. EVERYBODY IS A SNARKY BASTARD AND I LOVE IT ALL. Well, almost all. I will grant that the animated film fixed my one big grievance with the ending. :) Seriously, though, ‘oh, my goodness gracious! I’ve been bamboozled!’ is golden and I’m WAITING for that line to make it to screen. Don’t be cowards, DC.

Haunted Knight

Everyone’s gonna rec The Long Halloween, as well they ought, but Haunted Knight-same team-is also great. Scarecrow’s design is...I’m torn between loving it and wanting to yeet it into the sun, but it works for him. This is a short story collection featuring Mad Hatter, Scarecrow, and and a Bat-ified Christmas Carol.

Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth

OKAY. This is sort of like The Long Halloween in that it’s frequently considered ‘required reading’, but I do legitimately enjoy it; it’s very, very, creepy. THIS is where the Arkham Asylum game takes a lot of its inspiration; the Rogues do not go to Batman. He goes to them. This also establishes Arkham’s history. I will say that you should pick up a newer edition with the annotated script included (most of them have it now) because there’s a LOT of symbolism in the art that you might miss, and knowing it really adds to the experience. I’d totally teach this in a psych class, though. Or an English class. It’s great. Bonus for everybody having their own style of dialogue: Joker does not have speech bubbles, for instance, Bruce is black and white. Really gives you an idea of how they talk. It’s also nice that most of the Gallery gets some page time, even if they don’t talk; Scarecrow, for instance, has no dialogue, but he doesn’t need it. His presence is enough. Hard R-rating for scary images and implied childhood sexual abuse.

The Animated Series

Yup. Start here. START. HERE. Every major rogue (and several obscure ones) gets an episode in the limelight, Bruce is at his absolute best-that perfect combo of ‘gettin’ real tired of your shit, Villain of the Week’ and the compassion that’s gone missing lately-Harley looks great (and, y’know, LIKE A HARLEQUIN), and although it is kid-friendly, it doesn’t treat the viewer like a kid, so you can enjoy it as an adult. (You’re a lying liar who lies if Baby Doll’s episodes didn’t make you teary-eyed. It’s okay. There’s no shame to be had.) Bonus: Dick Grayson is a little ray of sunshine compared to Batman, but that’s not all he is and the writers remembered that. :) And, well...

Iconic.

The Arkham Series

These are almost the animated series for a more mature audience (complete with a lot of the same voice casting!); murder is now allowed to be confirmed. If you’re intimidated by the comics, this is also a good place to start. Again, all the major rogues and a few lesser-knowns get some time to shine, the characterization is working (Bruce is not here for Joker’s shit, but he can still take a minute to calm down a panicking guard), and yeah, I love the designs.

Look at my baby. THAT is legitimately frightening. 10/10, would run from again. Bonus: not only do we get Alfred, we get three whole Robins AND Oracle. That said, while the games give you PLENTY of options to go ‘I’m Batman’, Bruce takes almost none of them, so you have to do it. You gotta. It’s the law.

EDITED TO INCLUDE

Gotham County Line

Batman deals with the psychological guilt of not being able to save everyone, and there are...zombies. Sort of. Amazingly, Scarecrow is nowhere to be seen, yet Bruce does admit, straight-up, ‘I’m afraid’. Me too, Bruce. Me, too.

10/10 for creep factor here. I went into this unaware it was possible to be scared of Alfred. It is. It is possible. I am a changed woman now. Nothing really...comes of it...but I swear, I turned the page, and this was waiting for me:

Mommy...

Also unsettling; the hanged man in general. A+ unsettling artwork, I’m sure that guy will haunt me. Added bonus: Zombie Robin Jason popping in to save Bruce’s bacon, because he is a good boy, and Zombie Waynes being proud parents. I did not expect the Feels Crowbar...but it was a nice surprise.

#bat-recs #these are my personal favorites #the ones I'd definitely grab if my house was on fire or something #batman

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sailorchiron · 5 years ago

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Merry Christmas @tasyfa !

I loved the prompts of sunlight, ribbons, and poetry! I confess I forgot to check for your response to my anon ask... I decided to do a moodboard of a bookshop au, and had so much fun with it that I actually wrote a fic to go with it! I hope you have a happy holiday season filled with joy and Malex!

Sunlight, Ribbons, and Poetry | Read on Ao3

When Michael Guerin parked his beat up truck in front of Chapter and Verse, he wasn’t really sure what he was doing, or what to expect. All he knew was that Isobel loved poetry, and he loved his sister, and he was determined to get her a better Christmas present than Max for once in his life.

Chapter and Verse was a popular book store downtown, next door to Uncommon Grounds, which was universally known to be the best coffee in town. According to the barista he’d unsuccessfully flirted with two weeks ago, it was because the owner had connections for an expensive Italian roast that was usually too pricey for small town tastes. Also according to the barista that turned out to have a boyfriend, Chapter and Verse was well known for carrying a wide selection of poetry as well as fiction and nonfiction, and for having antique and special editions as well as new books. Seemed like a no brainer to pop into the quaint store and grab something pretty for Iz, but there was a problem.

Michael knew absolutely nothing about poetry.

He had some vague, foggy memories about studying poetry in high school English, but math and science were his things, not poetry and literature. He had no idea what to get. None.

The bells on the door chimed cheerfully when he went in, and he had to admit that the store was absolutely charming, with sun streaming in the front window and tall, dark wood shelves crammed with colorful volumes. The scuffed wood floor was broken up by old oriental rugs, and the counter sporting the cash register was an antique relic of days gone by. Michael noticed a hand painted sign hanging from the ceiling pointing the way to Uncommon Grounds, and sure enough, there was a door connecting the two businesses that he’d never noticed before. He looked for other helpful ceiling signs, and followed the one to the back right corner labeled ‘Poetry.’

He walked up and down the aisles for a few bewildered minutes, completely out of his element, and not having a single clue what to get. Some of the clearly antique books were beautiful, but what if they were poems about like death or something? Isobel was a romantic and wouldn’t want depressing, morbid poetry. He was starting to get nervous about finding anything, and considering a Target gift card for Christmas, when he decided to find an employee to help him.

Aaaaand, didn’t see a single soul. In fact, it was strangely quiet in the store. Am I the only person in this entire building?

Michael was on the verge of just leaving when he spotted someone in a little alcove with a colorful rug and walked over. French doors were propped open into what was a little reading nook, and sitting on the floor with a cup of coffee and a book was the most beautiful man that Michael had ever seen. He just stared for a minute. Messy dark hair, a little attractive scruff, neck that was begging for his lips, elegant hands, a face you’d definitely write home to mama about. The gorgeous man had kicked off his shoes and a crumpled apron was on the floor next to him. He was engrossed in what he was reading and hadn’t noticed him standing there trying to keep his tongue in his head. “Um, excuse me?”

Michael had been unprepared for that pretty face and his jaw might have dropped open.

“Yes?”

Fuck, his voice is amazing. “Um, do you work here?”

The beautiful man raised an eyebrow and glanced at the apron...then the coffee.

“Oh, you’re on your break, sorry, I’m just completely lost.”

“It’s okay.” He stood up. “What are you looking for?”

“Romantic poetry?” He watched subtle signs of disappointment in the gorgeous clerk. “For my sister! She’s just a really romantic person and I think she’d like love poems.” He watched the man’s face brighten. “Maybe an antique or really pretty book?”

“Sure. I’m Alex, by the way.”

“Michael.” They kind of looked at each other for a minute. He was struck by just how pretty Alex’s dark eyes were.

Alex, for his part, was internally screaming. Who needed a lunch break when someone that sexy wanted help looking for a book? He’d been momentarily crushed by the request for love poems, but the hurried explanation that it was for a romantic sister led him to believe that Michael might be interested. He shook his head to break the tension. “What kind of things does she like? Just in general, not specific to poetry.”

“Um, flowers? Korean dramas, aesthetic photography, huge parties, girly clothes, and make up?”

“How old is she?” Alex laughed, amused by Michael’s exasperated tone.

“28.”

“I was totally picturing 16, okay, revising my poetry ideas.” He led Michael down a narrow aisle. “Does she have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

“Not right now.”

“Hmm…” Alex pulled the step stool over to the shelf he wanted, cognizant of the fact that he’d been so taken by amber eyes and springy curls that he’d forgotten to put his shoes back on. “Does she like to make grand gestures?”

“Oh god, yes, that’s Isobel to a T.”

“Wordsworth.” He pulled out two books. “Antique or new edition? I have both for this collection.” He held out the old book, black with elegant silver scroll work next to a smaller paperback with a picture of the sky.

“Definitely the antique. What kind of poems are they?”

“Wordsworth basically started the Romantic movement in England. Here, let me read you a poem.

“The world is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers — Little we see in Nature that is ours; We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon! This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon; The winds that will be howling at all hours, And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers; For this, for everything, we are out of tune; It moves us not. Great God! I’d rather be A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn; So might I, standing on this pleasant lea, Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn; Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea; Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.

“Not romantic like lovers, but romantic, like grand and expressive.”

Michael just stared, entranced by that beautiful voice reading poetry so passionately. “I love it.”

“There are other good ones, too. Here, hold this one.” Alex handed the book to Michael and stepped down before walking down the aisle. “This is another Romantic poet, Keats.

“Bright star! Would I were steadfast as thou art-- Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night, And watching, with eternal lids apart, Like Nature’s patient sleepless Eremite, The moving waters at their priestlike task Of pure ablution round earth’s human shores, Or gazing on the new soft fallen mask Of snow up on the mountains and the moors-- No--yet still steadfast, still unchangeable, Pillow’d upon my fair love’s ripening breast, To feel for ever its soft fall and swell, Awake for ever in a sweet unrest, Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath, And so live ever - or else swoon to death.”

“Uh, that’s dramatic.”

“Would your sister like it? Or is it too dramatic?”

“I think she’d like it, actually. She’s kinda dramatic herself.”

Alex laughed and handed the antique book, bound in red leather with faded gold lettering, into Michael’s careful hands. “Does she like Shakespeare? I just got a really nice edition of his sonnets and those are mostly romantic.”

“I have no idea, but I’m game.” Michael decided he’d basically follow Alex anywhere in the store for the chance to just bask in his presence.

The book was a new edition, not antique, but it was bound in deep rose leather with a fanciful design of roses in gold, pink, and green on the cover. The pages were gilded, and it had a ribbon bookmark. “Sonnet 116 is my favorite.”

“You have a favorite?” Michael blinked. He hadn’t considered that ordinary people had favorite sonnets.

“Well, yah, I’m in here all day selling books of poetry, some of it is bound to stick.”

Michael laughed softly. “What’s your favorite poem of all time?” Not that he’d know it, but he mostly wanted to keep talking to Alex until he could guide the conversation to exchanging phone numbers.

“That’s impossible to answer, because poetry is so dramatically different from era to era. That said, I like early American poetry more, like Walt Whitman and Emily Dickenson, than Romantic poetry.”

“I have to confess I’ve never heard of them. Or if I did, I totally forgot.”

Alex raised an eyebrow at him. “Here, I’ll read you a Whitman poem.” He walked back into the alcove where Michael had found him and picked up the battered paperback he’d left on the floor.

“PASSING stranger! You do not know how longingly I look upon you, You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me, as of a dream,) I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you, All is recall’d as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured, You grew up with me, were a boy with me, or a girl with me, I ate with you, slept with you--your body has become not yours only, nor left my body mine only, You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass--you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return, I am not to speak to you--I am to think of you when I sit alone, or wake at night alone, I am to wait--I do not doubt that I am to meet you again, I am to see to it that I do not lose you.”

“I really love that,” Michael admitted, touched by the words. “That’s what so much of life is, just passing by a stranger and wondering if he’s your soulmate.” He hoped that ‘he’ would ensure that Alex knew he was very interested in him. “It’s beautiful.”

Alex smiled, feeling a connection to Michael. “One of my favorites.” Michael really has the most beautiful eyes.

The door bells chiming broke the spell that was keeping their eyes locked. Alex realized that his break was probably long over, his apron was on the floor in the reading room, and he was in his socks. The last thing he wanted was to walk away from Michael. “Which book do you want to get?”

Michael blinked. “Um, I think I’ll get all three. It’s Christmas, she can have three pretty books.”

“Alright.” Alex started walking to the cash register. Now that there were other customers, he couldn’t just hang out with Michael, no matter how cute he was. “I keep forgetting it’s almost Christmas.”

“How can you forget?! There’s Christmas shit everywhere!”

Alex laughed. “I think it’s because my family doesn’t really do much. We don’t even have a tree.”

“Oh, that’s no fun.” Michael was hit with pure, genius inspiration. “We’re decorating our tree tonight, you should come over.”

“What, really? Wouldn’t that be awkward for your family?”

“No, man, the more the merrier. My family loves guests. Especially my sister.”

“I don’t know.” Alex was sorely tempted, he really wanted more time with Michael. “Hey, do you want me to gift wrap these? We have some really pretty wrapping paper and ribbons.”

“Oh, that would be fantastic.” He watched Alex slide behind the counter and start ringing up the books. None of the books had barcodes, they had handwritten labels that Alex was carefully removing. The wrapping paper was really pretty, it was deep blue and shiny with dark pinecones frosted with white glitter. Michael was impressed with Alex’s wrapping skills, he couldn’t do that well if he was given explicit instructions. The ribbons were red satin, and he stacked the three books and tied the long ribbon around all of them. “That looks beautiful.”

“Thanks,” Alex answered, compliment warming him.

Michael had to look away to keep from staring into Alex’s dark eyes, and noticed a rack of postcards with words on them. “What are these?”

“Oh, little poetry quotes. They’re hand lettered.”

“Are you an artist?” Michael smiled.

“Oh, no,” Alex denied, waving. “I’m not an artist, I didn’t do those. I’m a musician.”

“Really? I dabble in guitar.”

“I play, too.” Michael was getting more and more attractive.

Michael reached the decision that this was fate. “Hey, you’ve got glitter on your face, here.” He held out his hand and Alex leaned in for him to brush the sparkles off his cheek. His fingers lingered, and before he knew it, they were moving together, eyes slowly closing as their lips met in a sweet, sweet kiss.

Time slowed down and both Michael and Alex forgot it existed.

Until someone cleared their throat and they pulled apart, surprised that they’d gotten so lost in each other. Alex was immediately flustered, and Michael was grinning so wide that his face almost hurt.

Alex put the books on the counter. “I’m so sorry, I want to keep talking but I have to work,” he apologized. “Can I get your number?” He patted his body. “Fuck, my phone is in my apron.” Which was on the floor in the reading room. He grabbed one of the postcards and scrawled his number on the back. “Text me, I’d love to come over and decorate your tree.”

“I’ll see you tonight then.” He just smiled into Alex’s eyes until they both jumped when more throat clearing interrupted them. He grinned and winked at him, then headed out the front door with his festive package and a phone number.

In the truck, Michael looked at the postcard and immediately added Alex’s number to his phone. He sent a quick message of his name and a heart emoji, then flipped the card back over. It was a Walt Whitman quote.

“We were together. I forget the rest.”

#roswellsanta #roswell nm #malexsanta #alex manes #michael guerin

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prettywordsyouleft · 6 years ago

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Worth Fighting For // AIRFORCE7

Summary: From the first moment he met you, Jaebum knew you were exactly what he and the air force needed.

Pairing: Im Jaebum x reader

Genre: pilot au / 1940s era / romance / minor mature content

Warnings: Due to the era it’s set in, this will contain minor war conflict in some of the stories. I will not be making the war-zone my main focus in this series however.

A/N: Thank you every for being patient for me to get this next part in the series up! As it states above, I’ve not labelled this as M (mature) but it’s a little spicy in one part! I’ve edited this but if there’s any mistakes, I’m sorry! I’ll re-edit in the next couple of days when I have more time.

Word count: 5701

He saw you walking across the tarmac as soon as he landed and grinned, Jaebum navigating the P51 to its designated spot outside a plane hangar. You waited for the aircraft to stop completely before you approached it, a smile residing on your face when Jaebum jumped down to greet you. “How was the sunrise?”

“I wasn’t out that early,” he admitted, grinning back at you. “But the skies are clear, Captain.”

“Oh good,” you remarked, resting against the lower part of the fuselage and foldings your arms across your chest. “What are your thoughts for today?”

“Well, we’ll have training in the afternoon with the cadets and this morning will probably be working in the plane hangar like usual.”

“What about tonight?”

Jaebum smiled, moving closer to you. “Why don’t we start that right now, as I said, the skies are clear.”

“I want to see the sunset instead,” you decided airily, pushing through him lightly. He grabbed your arm and pinned you against the wing. You smirked. “Lieutenant, are you going against my orders?”

He sized up your lips and nodded softly. “I’m willing to pay the consequences.”

You were always worth the risk to him.

“Shouldn’t you be part of the nurses checking us over, sweetheart?” one soldier crooned as Jaebum stood in line for his eye exam, his attention pulled to the neighbouring line where you stood ahead of the men. “Why, I sure would like to get physical with you.”

A chorus of sniggers followed the remark and Jaebum tilted his head as he watched you clench your hands up but didn’t respond, your focus resolute on the front of the booth.

The men behind you were getting further worked up, making vulgar gestures about your body and giggling like a bunch of horny school boys. Jaebum found it hard to stand where he was, the disrespect of their behaviour making his blood boil. But he had promised his mama that upon joining the air force he would stop using his fists for no reason.

This is a pretty good damn reason though, he thought as one of the soldiers edged closer to you, ready to grope your ass. What irked Jaebum further was seeing officials watch on without pulling the cadets up for their behaviour. And so, when the soldier finally decided to reach for you, Jaebum stepped out of his line, ready to throw the first punch.

You moved faster though. Before Jaebum could even raise his hand, you had the fellow soldier in a hold, twisting his arm behind his back until he was crying out loudly.

“Now love, there’s no need to be like this, let the man go,” one of his friends implored and Jaebum scoffed, shaking his head at him.

You glanced at Jaebum’s stance and then threw the man towards his group of lackeys. “I’m not your love; I’m a fellow cadet, just like you.”

“The air force isn’t a place for women!”

“I think there’s plenty good space for such a cadet,” Jaebum spoke up, darting his focus from you to the man who just spoke. “We’re all here for the same reason.”

“Women are meant to be there for us when we get back from fighting, not beside us. She’ll be a distraction to everyone with that body.”

Jaebum let his hand fly at a face this time around and soon there was chaos, soldiers who were merely watching on implicated by being in close proximity. Only then did the officials step in, breaking up the fight effectively.

You had merely stood there watching on, your gaze lowering when the Staff Sergeant looked in your direction. “Who let a woman into the force? It’s always like this when they think women can be equals.”

“She didn’t do a thing wrong,” Jaebum argued, pointing to the cadet who now sported a swollen eye. “He was going to touch her and you were going to let him.”

“Now son, I’ll have none of that,” the official replied hastily when your gaze snapped on his. “There was no need for things to get physical. Let’s all just line up and continue with what needs to be done, shall we? Miss L/N, would you-”

“Cadet L/N,” you corrected firmly and the Sergeant looked at his buddy for support. The other man merely shrugged.

“Cadet L/N, would you prefer to have your medical done after the men?”

“Why should I have to wait?”

He sighed exasperatedly. “Now you know very well why. I think it’s best to let the men go first.”

You chose not to argue, letting your head fall for only a second before you collected yourself up and marched right past the men who had aggravated everything without so much as batting an eyelid.

As soon as you were gone, their bravado returned. “Who let a bitch up in here?”

“Now we gotta deal with hormones when she’s having a bad day.”

Jaebum hissed and the cadets looked over at him, cowering slightly and huddling closer to continue their conversation.

“Don’t worry lads, ladies never last long around here.”

Jaebum smirked at them. “I’ve got a feeling she might outlast half of you.”

“You got a thing for her, lover boy?” one asked and Jaebum merely smiled. “Brought your girl into the force so you could show her what a tough man you are?”

“I think she was the one showing your arm before, wasn’t she?” Jaebum reminded and shrugged. “And I’m not here to show anything. I just hate when someone mouths off and can’t back up their words like you did.”

“Watch out, boy. Troublemakers leave early too, you know.”

Shrugging again, Jaebum turned back to his line, thankful when he could step forward for his eye exam. As he read from the board, he thought over the promise he made his mama just recently.

He’ll have to avoid you if he wanted to keep to it.

Yet, Jaebum found you later that evening sitting alone in the cafeteria, and he bee-lined for your table, placing down his tray before catching your gaze. “Mind if I sit here?”

“Are you trying the protection route? Unlike those boys, your plan is to protect me and make me swoon over your strong arms?” you asked dryly, tilting your head to the side. “I’m not here for anyone’s pleasure.”

“Why would you need protection when you were capable of twisting that cadet’s arm so quickly and making him squeal for mercy?” Jaebum shook his head as he sat down. “I’m not trying anything with you. I just have a bit of a temper, you see. And when I saw that they were going to be further indecent with you, I couldn’t help but step in.”

“Well, I appreciate it, this time. But don’t make it a habit. I don’t need anyone talking about me any further than they are.”

“What about for your skills?” You stared at Jaebum dubiously and he ate some of his food before continuing. “Aren’t you here because you’re a good pilot? I don’t mean to sound like everyone else around here, but they ain’t exactly letting a lot of women join the air force these days. Women who want to help are generally put in the factories, not in the field.”

A wry smile crossed your lips. “I suppose you’re expecting something then?”

“I’m hoping you’re going to wipe the smug smiles off those assholes who belittled you, in the very least.”

“What’s your name, soldier?” you asked, leaning back into your chair.

“Im Jaebum. And you?”

“Y/N,” you answered with a smile before scraping back your chair and standing up, collecting your now empty tray. You continued to smile down at him. “I’ve got a feeling you’re also going to be one to watch out for.”

Jaebum was all smiles on the morning of the first flight training. Orientation around the aircrafts had been explained the week prior, and now it was time to actually show what you all were capable of. Jaebum was excited for the chance to get up in a plane, of course, knowing this squadron was made up of trained pilots already. When his father left him and his mother behind, it was on Jaebum to keep the family business running. He was able to fly the small crop-dusting plane they owned with ease. In fact, it was one of the few things Jaebum was good at. Up in the skies, he felt free from social constraints. He could fly and be who he wanted to be. On the ground, he had been known for his fists doing too much talking after the rumours of his mother got about town. Moving away had been the best thing both of them could do and joining the air force was his new start in life.

Yet he anticipated your performance as well. You looked at ease on the tarmac, though as the Captain continued to explain the expectations of the morning, it was all too apparent that even he was ready to make a mockery of having a woman on his team.

“Well, who wants to go first?” he asked, ignoring the raised hands and smiling sweetly at you. “Ladies first, where are my manners?”

You smiled forcibly and ignored the sniggers from the cadets, stepping towards the aircraft you were all expected to get off the ground before the markers on the runway. You look ahead and then turned to the Captain. “Should I start now?”

“Of course, sweetheart. Do you need a hand up?”

Jaebum watched as you climbed effortlessly into the cockpit, taking the safety gear from the ground assistant before closing the lid to your aircraft. Checks were made to ensure you were safe to take off and all the men moved forward onto the verge of the runway, watching on avidly.

“Bet princess will just blow through those markers down the end.”

“Girls can’t handle big machines like that.”

“Give her a chance,” the Captain called out and Jaebum looked at him, wondering why he had a sudden change of heart. The older man then smirked. “When she realises it’s big and scary, she’ll go back to where she came from.”

Jaebum clenched his hands into fists but focused on you preparing for take off. Once given the signal, you didn’t hesitate, pushing the throttle and making your way down the runway. The laughter stopped as you reached a top speed quickly. And everyone lurched forward when you got the plane up into the air well before the line.

Jaebum clapped and soon others were gasping about how fast that was. When you landed safely again, the Captain was stunned.

“Is it a fluke, sir?” one cadet asked and the older man blinked a few times, holding his hand up to stop you from getting out.

“Do it again,” he instructed and your elated smile was wiped from your face. You nodded once and then repeated the same exercise, this time getting a better takeoff.

“Sir, that is no fluke,” the Lieutenant beside him admired, his mouth still ajar when he stopped talking. “We might have just found our ace.”

Despite all efforts by the other cadets, you were unbeatable up in the clouds. You were also knowledgeable about planes and you were excellent in ground combat training. Had you been a man, you would have been the most liked cadet on the air base.

Being a woman didn’t have the same effect and your vast skills didn’t make you appreciated by others any better.

“Again?” Jaebum asked as he found you cleaning the office in the afternoon, and you glanced away from your scrubbing of the windows before groaning loudly and throwing down the cloth.

“If I wanted to clean, I’d work in a Laundromat!”

“Why were you sentenced to it this time?” he wondered, placing down the files Sergeant Kim asked him to bring here.

You smiled to yourself as you picked up the cloth again. “I corrected Cap.”

“Oh, and you know how much he loves it when you show your superiority,” Jaebum teased and you shot him a grin. After leaning against the desk to watch you, he held out his hand. “Want some help?”

“Why are you always looking out for me?”

“You wanted me to be protective, right?” he mused, thinking back all those months ago when you had first scolded him for getting involved. Now, it was a rare day for Jaebum to go without being paired up with you for something. After all, if you were the ace of the team, he was the one keeping you on your game, just barely behind your tail in all areas of training too. “Isn’t it true most people say something and mean the opposite? So I’m certain you really wanted my company.”

You chuckled. “If it’s what helps you sleep at night, Jae, think as you please.”

“Oh, you even wonder about how I sleep!” he continued, revelling in the light blush that crossed your cheeks. Jaebum felt his heart thump harder with the reaction, knowing there was an underlying tension building between you both. Although you were rivals in the skies, down on the ground, he hoped you could amount to something more most days.

“If you’re helping, don’t just stand there.”

“Yes ma’am,” he saluted you before grabbing a cloth and joining your side. He smirked. “Oh, I finally realised something I’m better at than you.”

“Cleaning?” you asked incredulously, and he couldn’t help but grin at how your arm started to move more vigorously. Anything was worth a challenge to you.

He shook his head, pushing his arm up higher than yours. “I’m taller. You can’t beat me in that, no matter how much you try.”

“Is that so?”

“Well, you can’t grow taller all of a sudden,” he reminded and you nodded softly, soon scrambling up onto the windowsill to clean higher than he was. Jaebum laughed heartily, shaking his head at you. “That’s cheating.”

“I’m still higher than you are right now.”

“That’s a fair point, but you’re also on a ledge that isn’t made to hold a person.”

“I’m not heavy!” you exclaimed and Jaebum chuckled.

“I wasn’t meaning that, it’s just-”

Before he could point out how precarious your placement on the ledge was, you shifted, your foot slipping on the water residue and you toppled. Jaebum lurched forward to catch you, whining when your knee smacked him in the side as you fell on top of him and you both fell to the ground. Stunned, you stared at each other for a moment before you went to scramble away. Jaebum held you there, breathing a little heavily.

“Your heart is beating just as fast as mine, Y/N.”

“I got a fright,” you mumbled, your hands pushing on his chest. He knew you could break out if you truly wanted to but you weren’t using your force as normal. Soon, you stopped pushing altogether, your gaze getting lost in his.

“Are you still frightened?” he asked softly and you sighed, nodding slowly. And then something snapped in you, finally escaping out of his grip and righting yourself immediately.

“You know there’s no way anything can happen between us.”

“Right,” he replied simply and you focused intently on washing the window again. Jaebum smiled. “But knowing that you wanted it to for even a minute just now is enough for me.”

“Are you going to keep helping me?” you questioned curtly and Jaebum bowed lightly.

“I’ll leave you to it for today,” he stated, leaving the room and leaning against the wall soon after, a giddy smile crossing his lips.

His training was complete. If the war came to these shores, Jaebum was certain he would be one of the first pilots called upon from the base. Along with you up in the skies, you had proven to be a formidable pair. The Captain might not agree, but after the assessments were done, you had earned your ability to become a Second Lieutenant already. Although Jaebum wanted to go up in rankings himself, he was proud to see you being recognised by other officials in the air force. It was time for change to occur in how women were perceived in society and you were definitely a good example of that.

What he wasn’t certain about was your personal relationship. After the office mishap, further incidents in close proximities had occurred and you had almost kissed him last night because of it. It was driving Jaebum mad, knowing that you were attracted to him, yet holding back because of some honour code you had conjured up.

“We can’t,” you had told him sadly, stepping back as you let go of his shirt you had anchored your hands upon. You shook your head to reinforce your opinion. “If we get caught-”

“No one will be surprised, Y/N.” You looked at Jaebum then, eyes wide. He tried to smile soothingly at you. “Everyone always has teased us of-”

“And it becoming true will only be more ammunition for them!”

“It’s not like you care what they say!” he refuted and you dropped your head. Jaebum heaved a breath before stepping towards you. “I mean-”

“I do care,” you said quietly, sounding so unlike yourself. When you lifted your head back up, your eyes were brimming with tears. “Every remark about me being a woman pilot hurts. You see it as motivation to be better. Do you know how many times I was turned away from being here? Unlike the men who just need to be of age and healthy enough, I had extra credentials needed to join. I jumped through hoops to be here. And I knew it would be hard, but gosh Jaebum, why do I always have to be better?! I’m a Lieutenant now yet I still hear the vulgar comments, and I know what is said about me when I’m out of ears reach. It matters to me. Everything they think and say, I do care about, far too much!”

He didn’t answer right away; ashamed his words had led to such an outburst. And yet, it wasn’t enough to satisfy him. He nodded once. “It’s a pity though that no matter how much I’ve been on your side, that you don’t care enough about the one who does think you belong here. I always have.”

Jaebum walked away then, not listening to your calls after him.

He avoided you for most of the next morning, only being around you when he had to be. It was petty, even he knew that much. But his pride was hurt and he figured if you didn’t want to progress with the feelings you had both skirted around on multiple occasions that he needed to find a way to let them go. He knew he admired you for the fellow comrade that you were and that would never change.

Jaebum just didn’t know how else to deal with his deeper feelings other than to avoid them.

And that’s why it surprised him when you approached him next.

“What are you– oh my God!” he exclaimed, blushing deeply as he quickly tightened the towel around his waist, darting his focus rapidly around the otherwise empty shower room. You showered in here alone when the men were done at a different time of the day and he knew that you didn’t have a special pass to be in here like he did. After being in the unfortunate place when a whole bunch of grease landed on him, Jaebum had been given the opportunity to shower when nobody would be in here. It was the most relaxing shower he had taken since joining the force.

Until now.

“Y/N, you can’t be in here, oh God, I’m not even dressed, look away!”

You smiled, admittedly a little overwhelmed by the sight before you, yet you had a desire in your gaze that he knew all too well. You were determined. “I never took you for being embarrassed about me seeing you without a shirt on. After all, it’s not my first time seeing you without one. All you men forget to put them on when working away in the heat of the sun.”

“Yeah, well…” He didn’t want to admit that he felt vulnerable right now. Or the fact that your steady gaze was making him react under the towel he was holding tightly around his lower half.

“I need to correct you on something,” you told him and continued your approach closer.

Jaebum backed into the stall he was just leaving and let out a whine an octave higher than usual. “N-now?!”

You nodded. “Mm, now.”

“What is it then?” he asked hastily, looking over your shoulder and imagining Bernard the cook who normally had showers at the same time as air force personnel and all his body hair. Jaebum thought of anything that could help him lower his heart rate and the growth under the towel.

“You were wrong about me, you know.”

You were dragging it out, now standing right in front of him, practically gleaming at his discomfort. Your hand tentatively reached out for his bare chest and he turned rigid, battling with all his self-control not to take you right now up against the tiled wall. It was growing far too hot in the room and he was failing to think clearly.

“I do care about you, more than I’ve let on,” you finally told him and Jaebum managed to look at you, blinking slowly.

“You know, you’re treading on thin ice, Y/N. I could take you right-”

“Then what are you waiting for?” you intervened, crashing your lips onto his. The change in mood was instantaneous and Jaebum’s hesitancy evaporated as his tongue grazed upon your teeth, begging for access. You gasped into the embrace and soon your tongues were entangled, much like your bodies were in the cubicle.

His hands moved to your layers, hastily undoing the buttons to your shirt and cursing when he fumbled on a couple. You worked on sucking on his neck, your own hands on your slacks and unfastening them quickly. You both threw your clothes away from the cubicle to keep them away from the wet tiles before your hands roamed over his torso, yanking on the towel still around his waist.

“Time to get rid of this like you did my clothes,” you murmured as you removed the towel, Jaebum wasting no time pressing you up against the walls and hiking you up in his arms, your passion eliciting moans and gasps to echo around the shower room as you both transported into another realm of pleasure.

When your climax stopped ringing around the walls, Jaebum held you tenderly, turning on the shower above you both. It was a different kind of intimacy now, the rush was gone and you both moved slower, imprinting each other with your hands and lips. Eventually, you dressed one another before each taking careful consideration in how you exited the bathroom. You met up on the court outside the bunkers and Jaebum reached out to discreetly take your hand, kissing the back of it gently.

“Jaebum!” you hissed and he smiled, shaking his head.

“You can’t take back what we just did.”

“But in public, we need to be more careful!”

Jaebum looked around you both before shrugging. “Do you see anyone? Because all I see is you right now.”

“Who knew you would be this affectionate after what you just did to me?” you murmured, nestling into his side anyway. “We still need to be careful about this. My career as a pilot comes first.”

“One day I will change that.”

Despite the intimacy in the bathrooms, you were still decidedly prickly towards Jaebum. He had hoped that you would meet him for secret rendezvous in between tasks on the base, or spend your free time at night with him. Instead, you had distance yourself again, confusing him over your confession. Had the intimacy been bad? He, for one, had enjoyed it and with how vocal you had been, he couldn’t imagine you viewing his efforts as being inadequate. The only thing he could think of was that you were scared. And this conclusion seemed to diminish all that was said and felt within that afternoon in the bathroom.

It, in turn, made Jaebum irritable to be around.

“Son, can you come into the office?” Jaebum nodded and followed the Lieutenant Colonel, wondering if his behaviour on the base lately needed to be reprimanded. Yet, you were also inside the office and for a moment, Jaebum panicked, wondering who gave the officials a heads up about the activities you and him got up to in the bathroom together.

The Lieutenant Colonel sat down and steepled his fingers together. “I have been made aware that you are both the best pilots on the first squadron here at the base, is that correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I have orders for you both. Now, what I am about to tell you of is classified information,” he explained and instead of being concerned, Jaebum felt his heart thump harder with anticipation. He had been hopeful that his training would come in handy one day soon. “The war our allies are faced with is intensifying. They cannot get enough intelligence because they’re too busy sending their finest pilots into the face of battle. Although neighbouring countries are submitting what they can, they need someone to go into enemy territory and gather information. They have asked for us to send our best.”

The Lieutenant Colonel got out of his seat and began to pace the floor of his office. “Now, I have been in two minds of whether to send my best pilots into such a dangerous place. The war isn’t anywhere near our shores, and we have only pledged assistance so far. Sending my finest in may only bring us into the war faster.”

“Sir, with all due respect, getting eyes in there can be an advantage to us as well,” Jaebum mentioned and the older man nodded.

“That’s why I’ve decided to send you both. Another base is also prepared to send some men. You will be deployed at zero seven hundred hours. Do not try to be heroes for a war that isn’t ours to fight yet, you hear me? You come back home together.”

“Yes sir,” you replied, both saluting the man before leaving the office.

A smile played on your lips and Jaebum wondered why. You looked at him and grinned. “He didn’t see me as a woman, but as a pilot.”

Your elation was short-lived. Despite flying the new prototype Mustang P51s, what was happening back home was child’s play. Navigating through the war was arduous and out of the eleven you had started out with, only nine remained into the third day. Jaebum was grim and exhausted. It was harder to source out these hidden bases than he had anticipated and the reality of the war was cold and troubling. And he and the others weren’t even in the thick of it.

After the fourth day in the area, the team had finally gathered enough evidence to return home with when you were caught under fire by enemy fighters. The squadron managed to fight off several planes until there were only two enemies left and one was right after you.

“Y/N, on your right!” Jaebum radioed through but there was no response except for static and you didn’t seem as aware as you should have been, focusing solely on taking down the other plane instead. And just as you succeeded, you became a target. Jaebum sped towards you making a signal you had both often used when up in the skies playing chicken. You saw it right at the last moment and dived left, leaving Jaebum to take on the plane who had been on your tail. He managed to take it out, but not without being hit first.

“I’m hit! I’m hit!” he radioed through, feeling the searing pain in his right arm from where the damage had been made. Trying to focus on flying instead of the pain and loss of blood he knew to be happening around him, Jaebum managed to land his plane at the nearby allied base they were using, a hazy image of you being the last thing he saw until everything turned black.

When he came to, he found you beside him, this time without seeing three versions of you. He smiled lazily as you leapt up from the chair you had been sitting in, calling for a nurse immediately.

Jaebum whined hoarsely. “Why do you gotta do that? I was happy just looking at you.”

“Don’t give me a fright like that again!” you snapped, before darting out of the cubicle to find someone. Once the nurse had assured you that Jaebum was going to make a full recovery, you slumped down into the chair again and held onto his hand.

“Oh, what’s this?” he asked, lifting your linked hands up to gesture to it. “Is it because we’re not back at home that you’re showing me affection, Y/N?”

“I thought you were going to die.”

“So you want to hold on so I don’t? Fine by me.”

You groaned. “Falling in love with you was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

His teasing smile faded and he watched as you huffed in annoyance. When you realised he wasn’t going to say anything back, you glanced at him, smiling weakly. Jaebum lifted your hand so he could brush his lips along the back of it. “You can’t take it back this time around.”

The day had gone just as Jaebum had predicted. The morning had been filled with working in the hangar on one of the planes on maintenance repairs, and after lunch, Jaebum joined you in the field in front of the new recruits. Unlike at your old base where there were sniggers and lewd remarks at you being a female officer, not a peep came from any of the young men before you both. Jaebum smirked, wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that after your return from the war you had both been promoted.

“Captain, will we be flying today?” one of the cadets spoke up and you looked at Jaebum before smiling.

“Are you eager to get up in the skies?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“What will you do if you can’t get your plane up fast enough for me today?” you continued and several murmurs sounded through the recruits.

“If we can, will you answer one of our questions?” another asked and you nodded once. “Really? It doesn’t matter what it is?”

“I will answer anything as soon as you prove to me that you can get that big fat lady up in the skies before those markers,” you confirmed and the young men went to work immediately.

Moving to your side, Jaebum smiled. “What do you think they’re going to ask?”

“What did the last group ask me?” you questioned him back and Jaebum laughed loudly. You smirked and poked him in the side. “You need to watch out Lieutenant, there are some nice looking ones this time around.”

He gaped after you as you walked towards the teams, inspecting their preparations well. The incentive had worked and now the cadets were lined up, anticipating their earned question time.

Before you could initiate anything, Jaebum stepped forward. “Raise your hand if any of you planned on asking Captain L/N here if she was single.”

A few raised their hands sheepishly and you hid a smile behind your hand as Jaebum took a deep steadying breath. He then smiled forcibly. “Congratulations, you’re now on my training team exclusively.”

“Why, have you also got a thing for the Captain, Lieutenant Im?!” one cried out sullenly and Jaebum folded his arms over his chest before glancing in your direction. You shrugged.

“Professionally speaking, the Captain and I come as a team,” he announced and then moved over to sling an arm over your shoulders. He felt your sharp intake as he grinned. “And personally, we continue that very well.”

“You’re all dismissed for today!” you mentioned hastily, turning on your heel as the embarrassment continued to flood your features. Jaebum jogged to reach your side, your eyes glaring at him as soon as you snapped your head in his direction. “Now, we’ll be the talk of the base!”

“As if we haven’t been since Youngjae outed us to the other members of our squadron.”

“That’s within Airforce Seven only,” you confirmed, flailing an arm about. “Not for the men we are training!”

“What, you said there were some pretty guys this time around. I had to do something to ensure none of them would approach you when my back’s turned.”

“Remind me why I love you?” you grumbled as you stepped back into your office and Jaebum closed the door before pressing you against it. Leaning down, he hovered his mouth just above yours.

“Because I almost died for you.”

“Are you always going to hold that over my head?!” you wondered, slipping your hands up so you could drape them around his neck. “I never asked you to save me.”

“You’re glad I did,” he replied and you kissed him softly before pulling back to give him a small nod. Jaebum pressed on. “Are we still on for that sunset? I found a new spot this morning that I want to show you.”

“Last time I listened to you, I found myself held up by an old farmer with a shotgun for landing in his field. I didn’t even have enough time to get my clothes on!”

Jaebum kissed you softly and smiled. “I found a cabin this time and I rented it. Completely safe, without a farmer in sight.”

“You know, Im Jaebum, you’ve been trouble since the day I first met you.”

He laughed, letting you go and shooting you a wink before opening the door to leave. “You best keep me in line then.”

_________________

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kpoptimeout · 5 years ago

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Top 10 Most Underrated K-pop Songs of 2019 (Idol Edition)

2019 has come and gone before we knew it.

Continuing with the K-Pop Timeout Tradition (see 2018 Ver) of listing the Top 10 Most Underrated K-Pop Songs because all the other sites are just bothered with the Top 10 that pretty much everyone will have heard of/have fan wars over, below are our top 10 picks of songs that did not rank high but deserves your attention!

Like last year we have a separate post for Top 10 underrated non-idol tracks. Unlike usual years where there is a separate post made for Top 10 underrated K-Drama OSTs, this year there is instead posts for the Top 20 most underrated K-Pop songs of the decade.

Some of the artists have escaped the list in recent years to stardom (like NU’EST, N.FLYING, and OH MY GIRL), so hopefully, it happens again!

This is in alphabetic order NOT in the order of awesomeness because all of them are awesome. Also, all MVs are linked in the song titles because Tumblr won’t let me share that many videos in one post.

1TEAM “Vibe”

After braving through the shitshows of Mnet’s BOYS24 and YG’s MIXNINE, these talented boys finally debut as 1TEAM under Liveworks Entertainment (the label for the solo promotions of SHINHWA’s Hyesung and Minwoo). This debut song of 1TEAM highlights some of the key strengths of the group - their extremely laid-back retro sound and also addictive hooks. With K-Pop boy bands going for increasingly dramatic and over the top complex sounds due to the popularity of hype bops among overseas fans, it is a breath of fresh air to see 1TEAM deliver such a chill and amazing song and it is unfortunate they have yet to receive more attention both in South Korea and overseas. They continue this sound in their comeback “ROLLING ROLLING” and went more mature and sexy while still simple and retro in “MAKE THIS”, showing that they will continue to develop this unique sound. If you like the relaxing summer sound of WINNER, you would also love 1TEAM’s “Vibe”!

3YE “OOMM (Out Of My Mind)”

After not getting much attention as Apple.B under GH Entertainment, 3 of the original Apple.B members Yuji, Yurim, and Haeun re-debuted as 3YE. And this was the right re-debut to make as the girls went from generic cutesy to edgy and hard in the most unexpected way. “OOM (Out of My Mind)”, their first comeback track, is definitely a powerful bop but what makes it stand out from other hyped-up party tracks is the structure of the song. The first verses were typical powerful girl group song sounding (a mixture of RnB vocals and rap), but things change up quickly at the bridge. The song suddenly becomes very melodic and sounding like something you would expect from a quirky girl group track. Then the song changes again, creating a dark and breathy build-up reminiscent to Billie Eilish’s “bad guy” and “all the good girls go to hell”. Only then do we get the beat drop you would expect from a lit girl group track and the adventurous path to get there makes the drop all the more enjoyable. Also, all three girls’ have amazing stage presence to carry the powerful choreo. If you love powerful girl groups like BLACKPINK and EVERGLOW, you should really check out 3YE’s latest song!

A.C.E “UNDER COVER”

After stints on KBS’ “The Unit” and YG’s “MIXNINE”, the boys of A.C.E have definitely increased significantly in their international fan base and have the makings of a small but dedicated Korean fan base. However, these boys really deserve a lot more attention, especially with “UNDER COVER” being one of the best and also most underrated tracks of 2019 K-Pop. After attempts with artsy edm music in their debut era and later a cuter sound in “Take Me Higher”, the boys and the label seem to have finally found their sound. It is dramatic, it is powerful, it has a strong rock influence combined with hip-hop and RnB. Honestly, this is what I would expect TVXQ to sound like if they debuted in the late 2010s (cries thinking about OT5 early days and their rock influence tracks). This song also clearly highlights the strength of every member - Byeongkwan’s playful rap and diva-like stage presence, Wow’s more relaxed rap and sexy charms, Chan’s boyish appeal and perfect complementation of other members’ sounds, Jun’s attractive vocal colour and Donghun’s emotive voice and wide vocal range. If you love the dramatic and powerful boy band tracks like the bops of B.A.P, it is time to stream “UNDER COVER”!

fromis_9 “FUN!”

After the amazing comeback with “Love Bomb” last year, I really did not know how fromis_9 can top that but they really did with “FUN!” They continue to go for the really quirky, really weird and playful cute girl group sound they perfected in “Love Bomb” to bring an amazing and refreshing summer track. “FUN!” has a ridiculously catchy hook and like other fromis_9 songs have beautiful bridge parts to also showcase the members’ amazing vocal abilities and harmonies often hidden under their hype and wild choruses. Also, the music video is a delight, with the girls’ parodying various CFs. The album for this song peaked at #2 on Gaon Charts but somehow this amazing title track did not rank at all on Gaon and only peaked at #94 on the K-Pop Hot 100 of Billboard. If you love the addictive, fun and weird side of girl groups like Red Velvet and Oh My Girl, you would really enjoy fromis_9′s “FUN!”

GWSN “Pinky Star (RUN)”

After a unique debut and a string of consistent bops, it is unclear why most K-Pop fans are still sleeping on GWSN. “Pinky Star (RUN)” is an amazing song, showcasing GWSN’s indie video game-like sound which is heavily electronic and 8-bit like yet has all the K-Pop high notes and dance breaks you would also expect. This perfect blend of the girls’ unique sound and a seasoned K-Pop style production makes the song all the more amazing and it all the more infuriating they are still quite a nugu group in South Korea. The MV is also beautifully shot, with amazing sets and smart use of the aspect ratios. If you love to see the artsy pop vibes of BOL4 and IU married with the quirky girl group sounds of Oh My Girl, you would love GWSN’s “Pinky Star (RUN)”!

JBJ95 “Awake”

After PRODUCE 101 Season 2 and the success of JBJ, JBJ members Sanggyun and Kenta continue as duo JBJ95 and continue delivering quality music. One of their best songs and one of the best of K-Pop this year is arguably “Awake”. The song excels in having this bright and dreamy texture to it, which blends perfectly with the concept of the song and the Bauhaus-styled MV set pieces. Those listening to the song which literally feel woken up by the upbeat chorus which incorporates some dancehall beats into this electro-pop song. While JBJ95 are without a doubt doing quite well out of the post-PRODUCE 101 groups with variety show appearances and web drama roles, this song did not win any awards albeit its superb quality. If you are a fan of SHINee’s more fun and dream-like tracks like “Why So Serious?” and “View”, you would love this song!

KNK “Sunset”

Last year was extremely annoying when IN2IT’s “Snapshot” and SF9’s “Now or Never” flew under the radar of most K-Pop fans and the Korean public in general for their sexy supermodel runway sounds. Apparently, people have still not learned their lesson this year with the spectacular release by KNK in the form of “Sunset”. These talented men are back again with one of the best concepts ever - the song is just a 90s house bop that serves expensive runway model realness. The chorus of simply just Seoham saying “Sunset, for-for y'all” again and again in his deep voice is definitely one of the highlights of the song along with the classy and mature choreography. The MV of this absolute bop is also an example of how low-budget MVs can look expensive if there’s good camera work, creative lighting and smart editing choices. So if you liked IN2IT’s “Snapshot” and SF9’s “Now or Never” last year, and love yourself some good mature and sensual choreo like Taemin’s, “Sunset” is the song for you!

ONF “Why”

At this point, ONF is just one of the best-kept secrets in K-Pop. All the members already showcased their immense talent on YG’s “MIXNINE” but somehow South Korea still does not seem to know they exist. And it is infuriating that after a masterpiece like “Why”, they are still swimming in absolute nugu-dom. This song sounds ridiculously dramatic, with beautiful high notes and sentimental harmonica/synth instrumentals in the chorus. One of the highlights of the song is Wyatt’s deep-voiced speed rapping which was layered with multiple effects so that it sounded like it was being received through a device from afar and also serves to make it so much more grungier. Basically, the song sounds like it could be the OST for a high-budget Netflix dystopian sci-fi series and the MV shot in Moscow actually gave us some very expensive looking CGI and effects. It is difficult for me to find a song to compare “Why” to but if you love yourself a dramatic boyband track, you should really check it out!

SAAY “ZGZG”

This song just hits hard in a very unique way. Following her departure from EvoL (a highly underrated girl group), Kwon Sohee/SAAY has mainly worked as a producer and songwriter, penning bops for SM Entertainment and often working with Super Junior M’s Henry Lau. As a solo artist, she shows that she has a lot to show in “ZGZG”, which honestly would not be such a great song if not carried by her off-the-charts amount of charisma. The chorus is just her swag-filled mumbling of the word(s?) “ZGZG” and it works because of her attitude. She also belts high notes and delivers smoking hot bars when she raps in the song too. If you are a fan of confident female solos like Hyuna, Sunmi, and Chungha, I now urge you to check out this amazing song by SAAY!

UP10TION “Your Gravity”

UP10TION is an extremely talented group but have failed to make a mark in the K-Pop industry due to years of TOP Media’s mismanagement. One of the biggest mismanagement moves, in my opinion, was giving UP10TION good but extremely generic K-Pop title tracks. There was never a song that screamed: “this is an UP10TION-only track.” I can go on forever about TOP Media’s poor management of all its groups but now is the time to focus on what a brilliant song “Your Gravity” is - UP10TION has finally found a unique sound and they really owned this song, making it arguably one of the best and most underrated songs of the year. The song plays on an addictive synth hook and good use of diverse beats. The whole song just sounded super fresh yet not cutesy but high energy at the same time - a rare example of balancing freshness and coolness. The MV is also filmed very well, with shots from very interesting angles and great use of a few set pieces in a variety of ways. The closest comparisons I can make would probably be WANNA ONE’s “Energetic” era. If you love a powerful and feel-good track, UP10TION’s “Your Gravity” is the song for you!

Special Mentions of Underrated Debuts:

There were many strong debuts this year and I would like to mention 2 underrated rookie groups to look out for in 2020!

Male - 1TEAM “Make This”

I have already discussed 1TEAM’s greatness and music style above, but the reason I also chose them as the most underrated male group debut is because out of all the underrated male idol debuts this year, 1TEAM is the only one that have already showed us their consistency and duality. “MAKE THIS” continues 1TEAM’s retro sound and aesthetic - the song sounds like how people in the 80s think future sexy music would be like and also how people right now thought 80s sexy music remade might sound like. So even though 1TEAM went from soft and cute in their first two title tracks to mature in this latest comeback, they still stayed true to their retro sound. The MV is also delight due to the very “2001: A Space Odyssey” inspired looking set pieces.

Female - BVNDIT “Dumb”

MND Entertainment’s newest girl group and basically Chungha’s younger sisters, BVNDIT may have been overlooked as they debuted in the same year as JYP’s ITZY, HINAPIA which features PRISTIN members, and a string of post-PRODUCE 48 girl groups like EVERGLOW, CHERRY BULLET and ROCKET PUNCH. However, BVNDIT has a lot to offer and has likely one of the most standout sounds and looks. The girls all have confidence and stage presence unlike any rookie girl group and this really shined in their songs following the safer pop song debut with “Hocus Pocus.” The south-east Asian and Latin American influences in the drums used in their songs like “Dramatic” and “Dumb” also gives them an opportunity to attempt more powerful and mature choreography than some of the rookies, giving them an additional edge. With the company now starting to use a “Chungha-like budget” in their production as seen in the “Dumb” MV, I believe we can expect a lot from BVNDIT in 2019.

Which idol songs do you think were underrated this year? Leave your thoughts in the comments section below and let the song sharing begin!!!

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