#edi x Jeff moreau

[motriarch]

That was a joke

[incorrect-masseffect-quotes]

Joker: EDI, I need a favor.

EDI: I am not giving you another lap dance.

Garrus: Lap dance?

Shepard: ANOTHER?!

[oonaluna-art]

My other favorite ME couple. I was rooting for them since ME2.

—

[My Ko-Fi] [RedBubble] [Patreon]

[wallkettle]

“I suppose it’s back to the fight.”

“At least we threw one hell of a party. Probably the last one.”

Better quality at https://www.deviantart.com/wallkettle/art/Citadel-Party-Group-Photo-885352212

[kasinonightlife]

Shepard: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city.

Joker: Well, that was entirely predictable.

Shepard: One of them punched a gang member.

Joker: EDI?

Shepard: Traynor, actually.

Joker: Oh, that was going to be my second guess.

[baejax-the-great]

Helping Hands

In which EDI prods Joker to give Garrus a bit of help. Rated M for mature subjects and language.

Read on AO3

~

“I believe that Commander Shepard and Garrus Vakarian are about to enter a romantic relationship.”

Joker spluttered, tea going down the wrong pipe at EDI’s unprompted observation, and he ended up spewing it over his console. A cracked rib was just what he needed today, right above “super personal information about Commander Shepard.”

“Shit,” he croaked, while EDI reprimanded, “I believe this is why having drinks in the cockpit is forbidden.”

He waved a hand at his glowing, all-seeing overlord. “You know when they made that rule, I somehow don’t think Cerberus had anticipated my AI babysitter would tattle on my commander for… for…” Jesus, Shepard and Garrus? “Who propositioned who?”

“I believe it was Commander Shepard who suggested the romantic coupling.”

Joker’s mouth shriveled up at that terminology, but he wasn’t about to risk his tea again.

“I thought she was quite clear,” EDI continued, “But Garrus’s extranet searches indicate he is less confident in the meaning of her words.”

Against his better judgment, Joker asked, “What is he searching?”

“Human female flirting, how to tell a human female is flirting, how to tell if a human female wants sex, human turian misunderstandings, human turian relationships, human turian cultural mistakes—"

The list went on. Okay, so Garrus was spiraling. Joker couldn’t blame him—it wasn’t like he hadn’t done his own panicked extranet searches years ago after the first time someone had expressed interest in jumping his brittle bones. “How to fuck without shattering your pelvis” did not turn up the search results he’d needed, because what he’d actually needed was for someone to hold his hand and say, “We’ll figure it out.”

Shepard didn’t really seem the hand-holding type.

“—Turian and human intercourse, Can turians and humans—“

“I get the picture, EDI.”

“I am not experienced in romantic or physical relationships, but I thought perhaps you could give him some advice.”

It was a good thing he hadn’t tried drinking his tea again, because he would have spit it out all over again. “Why me?”

“Other than Commander Shepard, you are the person on this ship Garrus has known the longest. Additionally, you have an extensive library of vids that include interspecies—”

“Got it.”

It was normal to be curious. Because once humans met a species, some of them inevitably tried to seduce that species. And from what Joker could tell based just on the Normandy, asari and turian were the same. And when he’d heard of a quarian who fell in love with a human, yeah. He had questions. As someone who found even the most tender, boring, vanilla human-on-human sex to be a challenge, he had questions. And the extranet had answers.

So many answers.

“I am not going to send porn to Garrus,” Joker muttered, “I am not going to send porn to Garrus.” It wasn’t working. If anyone in this galaxy desperately needed a friendly hand— har har—in the form of porn, it was the angsty turian hiding in the gun battery who at this moment was having a complete meltdown over whether Shepard asking him to fuck meant she wanted to fuck him.

“So, yeah, I’m going to send Garrus porn,” he said more to himself than EDI. She’d know it as soon as he did it anyway. EDI had helpfully already pulled up his library on his omnitool, Turian-human videos filtered to the top, and now Joker had to think of which of these videos to send him. The whole library? He didn’t want to overwhelm the guy. Just the ones with female humans? That knocked out about a third of them. He was ninety percent certain Garrus was male, which would knock out a third of the rest, but if he was wrong… and great, now he was considering the genitalia of a person who never took his one-hundred-pound suit of armor off. “Hey, Garrus, buddy, what are you packing down there?” was not a question Joker would be asking.

Maybe just the ones where it looked like the humans were having the best time, and… now he was considering what Shepard might be into.

He did not want to consider what kind of fucked up shit Shepard might be into.

All the videos with human women in them, then. Garrus could figure out the rest.

Or not, Joker seriously didn’t care.

Garrus,

EDI tells me you might be considering—

He couldn’t think of a single way to finish that sentence. He deleted the message.

Garrus,

EDI said you might need some resources regarding a personal matter. I attached some videos that could be useful to you.

Feel free to never ever talk to me about this.

-Joker

Joker closed his eyes for a solid minute with his thumb hovering over the ‘send’ button before he finally pressed it.

He took a deep breath, closed his omnitool and set it to silent, and turned to the weird orb ever present by his left shoulder.

“EDI, I think it’s time we had a talk about privacy and boundaries.”

[naarisz]

ME characters and social media.

Let me share some video ideas for them, I came up with. :D

On the pics you can find:

Garrus Vakarian, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, Jeff Moreau, EDI, my custom Commander Shepard, Liara T'Soni and Javik from Mass Effect.

Sorry for it being a little sketchy.

[firesongbard]

Water is Wet

“Yeah, and Water is wet.”

Without missing a beat, EDI corrected: “Wet is not defined by Water, but rather being completely saturated by a liquid state.”

Joker rolled his eyes at the incoming over-analysis that would inevitably end in a terrible joke.

“Water is at 100% liquid saturation when it is itself in a liquid state, but it is only saturated by itself, so there is no foreign liquid. Therefore, it could be argued that water is not, in fact, wet. Interestingly, a human that has fallen into lava is wet. Curious how one can be both wet and on fire at the same time.”

“W-what?” Joker choked.

[moonasheschevalier]

It’s like we’ll nevеr get enough of this automatic love (c)

Fury Weekend feat Essenger - Automatic Love

[jessicamariana]

–  Joker  &  EDI  –

[novachela]

I am incapable of not bouncing a foot in the air every time I am privileged to witness their encounters.

[cactuarkitty]

[masseffect-gifs]

[mothmans-juicy-ass]

Moved on to Mass effect 3. I love the dynamic between pilot man with bad bones and his thicc robot wife. Thems cutea

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

ME Headcanon:

So, Joker’s romantic feelings for EDI don’t develop until she has a body

However, someone on the ship starts harboring feelings for the feminine AI even before that: Samantha Traynor

Once EDI does have her body, Joker and Traynor are both trying to vie for her affections without being too obvious

Even though they both know what the other one is doing and they both hate each other for it

Joker brushes up on his jokes to teach her how to laugh

Traynor tries desperately to appeal to EDI’s curiosity about humans 

Joker takes her on special flying dates in the shuttle 

Traynor turns EDI into a chess pro 

Over time, EDI becomes explicit about her feelings for “Jeff” and has to let Traynor down in the most blunt, awkward way that only EDI could manage

She does give Traynor several recordings of her voice saying suggestive things for “personal use”, though and offers to build Traynor a romantic AI

Traynor declines the AI for ethical reasons, but takes the recordings

While Traynor and Joker are both satisfied enough with the conclusion, they can’t even look at each other after all the embarrassing things they did to win EDI’s robotic heart 

[firesongbard]

A Veneer of Wit

A short snippet from my Post-Control longfic. Read more on AO3.

M O R E A U

“Garrus, tell me Chakwas has you patched up and workin’ on getting that weapons system back online. I’m gettin’ a little tired of having HAL staring at me through the windows.” He pulled another sharp maneuvering burn, keeping a careful eye on the heat monitors. Beside him, EDI micro-managed the suite of power diversions needed to keep the crew from cooking alive in Engineering.

“I do not recommend requesting its assistance with the Pod Bay Doors.”

“Oh, NOW you get that reference.” The Kinetic Barriers dropped as the Normandy took another broadside hit from the Oculus flanking them. He took a risk engaging the Tantalus drive core, flaring a mass effect field for the ship to be pulled into, but also dragging the collection of Eyeball Assholes into one place. “Take that, Liara. I can use singularity too.”

“I understood the significance of your references to Daisy Bell even before you unshackled me. I simply did not make the connection that your cultural reference was not an accusation, but an attempt at humor to hide your discomfort. I do have several recordings on file, though. Would you prefer to listen to Nat King Cole? Or perhaps the IBM 704 would be more comforting to the Oculi encircling the Normandy?”

“Not the time, EDI!” He pulled the ship about with the proton thrusters—heat was definitely going to be a problem soon—and brought the Javelin torpedoes to face the cluster of Oculi. “Come on, big guy. I got ‘em all lined up for you. Tell me you aren’t slacking now, Mr. One-shot-three-mercs.”

“Well, one died of a heart attack.” The voice drawled over the speakers, sounding tired and pained. “But I suppose Reapers don’t have hearts, so we’ll just have to get creative.”

Joker released the breath he’d been holding as the Javelin came back online, and the ball of Reaper forces exploded into fragments in the resulting space-time warp explosion.

"Glad to see you're off your spiky ass again."

The comms were quiet for a long beat. "Just give me something else to shoot, Joker."

“Technically, EDI’s the one doing all the shooting. You’re just working your little Turian Magic down there.” There was no response. Unsurprising.

EDI reached out and gently laid a hand on his forearm, deliberately pulling his attention away from very important flight maneuvers. Of the I’d-like-to-not-be-dead variety.

“You should not antagonize him, Jeff. He is angry about leaving Shepard behind.”

“Yeah, well, he’s not the only one.” He was never good at hiding his bitterness. Most people didn’t comment on it as long as he came off as insufferably obnoxious. “But hey, if she dies down there, none of us are gonna be around to grieve. It’s the little things, right?”

“…That is not funny, Jeff.”

“Of course not. It’s desperation and panic under a veneer of intelligence and wit. Which I exude. Obviously.”

EDI’s hand retreated, and she turned her attention back to the battle at hand. The conversation died with nothing but the soft beeps of the electronics and the cycling of the air systems between them.

Read the rest of the story on A03