#economics wants me dead i swear to god

[hella1975]

it's interesting how when i read the words 'christmas break' i see time off uni to be with family in the holiday season but when my lecturers read it they see 'time to study for four in-person exams in january covering everything we've done in the semester'

[captain-lessship]

Curiosity

You knew a lot about Jasper like how most couples would know a lot about each other. Jasper was one of the most loving people in your life and he made you feel so special: whether it was matching hoodies, coming up with the sweetest names for you and long walks in the woods.

The last addition was what got you thinking. Jasper was currently moving a fallen tree out of the hiking path. It wasn’t a small tree and  part of it had gotten lodged in between a rock. 

Normally, if you were alone, you would’ve simply either turned around or climbed over it. But being the ever caring person he was, Jasper insisted on clearing the tree. 

“Don’t hurt yourself!” You said, nibbling on a granola bar you’d brought. 

“Ah, it isn’t gonna hurt me.” His amber eyes stared at you, a smile coming to his face. 

Now you were sitting in your economics class, not thinking about the Stock Market. Instead, thoughts ran about how many trees he could lift? How hard could he hit something? How hard could something hit him? 

You sat to the right of Edward who, of course, heard it and decided to lean over and comment about it, “You know, he would test it if you asked.” He stated, matter-a-factly. 

“Really!” You jumped with joy, curiosity fueled, also catching a dirty look from your teacher.

Edward rolled his eyes playfully, “He’s madly in love and he trusts you just as much as us.”

You couldn’t help your face from peppering blotches that were a shade of pink as you looked back to your notebook. 

The bell rang and you rushed out the door to ask him.

At first he laughed. You were both sitting on your front porch, watching the rain drip from the roof. 

“You want to what?” He chuckled, bright white teeth flashing.

“I’m serious, Jasper!” You said, gently punching his shoulder.

He took that as an opportunity, “God! You’ve killed me! Killed me dead! Deader than dead!”  He flung his head back on the porch swing, eyes closed.

“Come on! I wanna know.” 

“Bleh,” he stuck his tongue out.

“Okay you,” you thought, “Possum.”

His eyes flung open, “Possum?”

“Yes yes, a possum. Now, can we please test your strength?” 

He sat back up now, bringing his arm around your shoulders, “Alright, we can. But you have to do something for me.”

You looked at him, “And that is?” 

“I need to borrow your math notes. They change it every year, I swear.” He huffed.

You laughed at him, “Haven’t you done these classes like twenty times?”

“Exactly dove,” he said nodding his head, “That’s how I know they’re changing everything!” 

It was decided you would test it at the Cullen’s house. It was away from anyone who could see and the view was incredible. 

“Sooo,” you said, looking at the arrange of items both he and you had collected. There were several old clay sculptures, the kind kids would paint, pieces of firewood, old furniture like a broken dresser, a table and a set of mis-matched chairs, “Which one do you wanna do first?” 

He looked, “Well first, you need to put on the gloves and goggles.” You rolled your eyes.

You put on a pair of chemistry goggles Emmett borrowed and forgot to return and a set of welding gloves you got from your mom’s garage.  You showed him your new outfit. 

“Aww, you’re adorable.” He said, smirking at you.

“I look like I am about to dissect a frog.” 

“The universal experience of a Biology class.” He joked, eyes now falling to the items. “How about we start small?” He walked to the pile of clay sculptures.

“Aww, that kinda feels wrong though. Not the kitten.” 

He scoffed, “You brought it.”

“Fine. Break it.” 

He closed his hand around it and with a loud crack, Mr. Whiskers Clay was no more.  He then picked up a piece of firewood, “After this, s’mores?” He asked, he knew of his partners love for their chocolate-marshmallow amalgamation.

“Yes! You know the way to my heart,” you poked. “Now break it!”

“You destructive lil thing.” He said, complying and breaking the piece of wood by holding the end of it, snapping like toothpick. 

This escalated til everything was broken except one chair, he looked at you, blonde hair framing his face. He smirked, “Hit me with it.”

“Are you sure?” You asked, you didn’t want to hurt him. Even though you had just seen him break a table beyond repair just by grabbing two of the legs and smashing it once against the ground. 

“Yeah! I’ve shown you what I got, what about you?” He said, walking closer. “I will be fine.” 

“I know you will be, but it’s not everyday that I hit someone with a chair.”

“It’s a great chance to start.”

You nodded as you walked to the chair and picked it by the back, you turned back to Jasper, who watched you with anticipation. 

“Okay, you’re gonna have to turn around.”

“Why?” 

“Could you imagine hitting me with a chair and seeing my face while it hit me?” 

He thought for a moment, “Could I hit you with a chair?” He looked very inquisitive, he even went as far as to tap his chin.

You rolled your eyes, you lifted the chair and broke it over his head. He was stunned for a second but deep hearty laughter erupted from him, then from you.

But you were interrupted. 

“So what exactly did Jasper do?” 

You both jerked your heads to see his family, all varying looks of amusement or the holding back of laughter.

[camgoloud]

22-25 for the end of the year reading asks!

(In response to this ask game which I reblogged Several days ago lmao)

22. What's the longest book you read?

By page count it's pretty close to tied between Iron Gold (Pierce Brown) and The Will of the Many (James Islington)! Iron Gold is the fourth book in a sci-fi series that I read a while ago—since this summer I’ve been slowly rereading/listening to the audiobook versions of the first five books because I learned that the sixth one was being released in July after a several year wait and couldn’t remember enough about the plot to jump straight into it. Working my way through the fifth one right now which is even longer (34 hour audiobook!)... hopefully I'll finish it before the end of the year so I can finally start the new one. Meanwhile The Will of the Many is the recently-published first in a planned trilogy and it's all about Gary Stu's adventures in the fantasy Roman Empire with a magic system that's a somewhat-clunky, hilariously unsubtle satire of trickle-down economics. I had fun with it :)

23. What’s the fastest time it took you to read a book?

I think the full-length novel that I went through the fastest is probably Catherynne Valente’s Space Opera, which I read in a sub-24 hour period (picked it up at the library on a Friday afternoon and was done before Saturday evening). My feelings on that one are somewhat mixed—it’s a quick read (lmao) and a fun concept (2/3 ex-members of a washed-up English glam rock band get forcibly conscripted to represent Earth in its first inter-galactic Eurovision analogue after first contact with aliens; if they lose humanity is deemed unworthy of entering the cultural conversation and the planet gets destroyed) and months later I am still compelled by the relationships between the main two characters/their narrative-haunting dead best friend, and there are a few specific sentences I could quote word for word because I liked the prose so much—but also the prose is just So Fucking Much. My god. Valente read the Goodreads quote page for Hitchhiker’s Guide and said “I’m going to write a book where Every Single Sentence reads exactly like all of these” and by god she fucking did it! Kind of grated on me after a couple of chapters tbh and also I can’t decide whether I think the ending was strong or not... I'd recommend it though if you're a fan of Hitchhiker's and/or Eurovision and/or rock band drama!

24. Did you DNF anything? Why?

I think the only things I got properly invested in (as in, read more than the first few pages) before setting aside for an extended period of time and don’t plan on finishing before the year ends are House of Leaves and The Crying of Lot 49 - and both of them especially House of Leaves are books that I actually would like to finish, but realized partway through that I absolutely did not have the bandwidth at that point of time to give them the time/attention they required. But one of these years I will actually sit down and read a Pynchon novel from cover to cover I swear… and I should be able to get to House of Leaves in 2024!

25. What reading goals do you have for next year?

I want to read more short stories! I got pretty into the speculative fiction short story scene this year—bits and pieces of various anthologies, finally subscribed to some magazines like Clarkesworld, etc.—and I’ve been having a really good time with it, so next year I’d like to keep that energy up. I’m also hoping to finish House of Leaves as previously mentioned!

[godofsexdrugsandrocknroll]

On A Tropical Island

Jaune: Great. Just great. Now I’m lost and all my friends are missing too! I’m too angry to be depressed!

Neo: *Head pops out of the sand, spitting it everywhere*

Jaune: Oh, even better. Now I have company. This can’t possibly get any worse! *Ignores Neo glaring*

-----------------

Jaune: Stop following me! You’re a bad girl!

Neo: *Cocks eyebrow*

Jaune: *Blushes* Not what I meant! I mean you’re evil! And all you’ve done to help so far is poke me with a stick! *Is poked with a stick* Dammit, stop that!

Neo: *Pokes him in the butt instead*

Jaune: OW! That’s not what I meant you menace!

Neo: *Preens at being called a menace*

Jaune: And stop trying to be cute, too!

----------------- 

Neo: *Tapping bare foot*

Jaune: Okay, so maybe my sense of direction isn’t the best. *gets The Look* Alright alright already, jeez. We’re back where we started, your shoes, your jacket and my armor are now forever lost to the wilds and it’s not my fault!

Neo: *Stares*

Jaune: *Shifts guiltily* Okay maybe it is, but if I had a map *Neo crosses her arms, reigniting The Look™ * we’d still probably be lost since the rest of team RNJR banned me from the map after reading it backwards and upside down.

Neo: *Nods firmly, taking the lead*

Jaune: For the fourth time.

Neo: *Turns, gapes in shock, shakes her head and grabs him by the hand*

Jaune: *Offended* Hey, I’m not a child! I won’t get lost!

Neo: *Looks at him through her eyelashes*

Jaune: *Sighs* Okay, fine. But only because getting lost in a weird jungle is way worse than getting lost in the grocery store at 14.

Neo: *Stops, removes belt, ties end around his wrist and grabs the other end*

Jaune: *Starts whining*

----------------- 

Jaune: Dear diary *ignores Neo’s pointing and silent laughter* today is day 17 on the worst island to ever exist. Butthole and I -- OW, SHIT-FUCK-SHIT! I really hate that you sharpened your stick into a spear! Fine, Neo and I finally have a a good system in place for food. We’ve got our firepit, Neo turned my armor we found into a pan, one pot and a skillet, my impeccable home economics have saved our asses and we’ve got a spit for roasting things over the fire!

Neo: *Munches happily on roast rabbit*

Jaune: It’s really working out! Neo’s great at the spotting and tracking, I get to use the spear to hunt and there’s plenty of these really stupid semi-intelligent rabbits that seem to have a language of their own that are really good when you cook ‘em just right. *Pauses* I think they might have stolen my shirt though, I haven’t seen that thing in like four days.

Neo: *Mentally reminds herself to burn the eye candy’s shirt before he finds it*

-----------------

Day 28

Jaune: Ow, stop kicking me! I said I was sorry!

Neo: *Jumps on Jaune, bites his ear*

Jaune: AAAGGHH!!! Dammit Neo, how many times do I have to tell you not to bite me! It’s not my fault that seagull stole your hat! In case you hadn’t noticed, it stole Pyrrha’s sash too!

Neo: *Jumps off him, gestures emphatically*

Jaune: I know, you angry little troll! *Instead of attacking him again, Neo just stares at him sadly* I-I... *sighs* I know. I know. I really wanna kill that thing too. It’s...it’s all I had left of her too. All you had left of Torchwick. But we’re stuck here. We can’t find my friends and this island is huge.

Neo: *Nods unhappily*

Neo: *Jabs him with her stick spear*

Jaune: Yeah, we can kill any seagulls we see. *Neo blinks, considers trying to get her point across but nods*

-----------------

Day 49

Jaune: How do you set everything on fire! I told you we needed just enough to warm ourselves!

Neo: *Lunges at Jaune, leaves fire to burn*

Jaune: *Is strangled*

-----------------

Day 54

Neo: *Admires Jaune’s ass in jorts*

Jaune: I still don’t understand why you had to ruin my jeans. Tossing the boots into that bottomless pit, I get. My feet thank you. Uh, except when I keep stepping on sharp rocks and twigs. But really?

Neo: *Points at him, hand fans herself and panics, shaking her head rapidly*

Jaune: *Oblivious, insulted* Yeah, yeah, I’m sweaty! Fine, fuck having pant legs! I wanna get scratched and bitten by those weird little blue people again!

Neo: *Blinks, shakes her head in exasperation and relief*

-----------------

Day 59

Jaune: I can’t believe you committed genocide because those blue people stole your top! Neo, they just wanted a tent!

Neo: *Glares murderously at Jaune, covering her frilly pink and white bra with her hand and arm*

Jaune: *Gulps* I-I-I-I know! It’s upsetting, but murder isn’t always the answer!

Neo: *Uses free hand and makes bunny ears*

Jaune: Hey, those rabbits might be really stupid but they’re super mean spirited! One tried to drop a rock on my head and don’t you dare say it’d be an improvement!

Neo: *Startled, laughs*

Jaune: *Sheepish, laughs too*

Neo: *Continues laughing, eventually noticing Jaune has stopped and is red in the face, wide eyed*

Neo: *Notices she moved her arm and Jaune is staring at her chest*

Jaune: *Notices Neo’s glare and red face* W-wait, hold on a minute now, I didn’t mean to--

Neo: *Glomps, bites his nipple*

Jaune: *Girlish screams that can be heard for miles*

-----------------

Day 72

Jaune: No, put the berries down. You can’t just keep eating fruit all the time, you’re already very small and need to keep yourself healthy if you don’t wanna lie rotting as a corpse on this island forever.

Neo: *Grabs a huge handful of berries, shoves them in her mouth smugly*

Jaune: Dammit Neo, stop being so bratty! I’m only trying to help! *Grabs Rabbit jerky* Now do your body good, open your mouth and eat my meat!

Neo: *Gags, chokes, spits mushy berries out and kicks Jaune in the solar plexus for the phrasing*

Jaune: *Wheezing* I swear I didn’t mean to OH X-RAY AND VAV, SAVE ME!

Nearby Seagull: *Hearing the abyssal, shrieking screams of the Tall One, flies off in terror and decides to move the family nest*

Neo: *Biting, kicking, punching and pinching*

-----------------

Day 88

Jaune: I can hardly shave Neo, if you don’t remember my sword’s a jagged piece of sharp metal these days!

Neo: *Shows off shaved armpits, shows off shaved legs having long since created shorts from her capris and shows him a wooden knife*

Jaune: I should be concerned that you’ve created another stabby, but somehow -- GASP! *Actually gasps, clutches his beard* No! You wouldn’t!

Neo: *Grins*

Jaune: Please don’t, beloved friend of mine.

Neo: *Touched*

Jaune: What? We are. I mean sure you bite and attack me way more than most normal people do but you did save me from that rabbit mercenary group that tried to use a swinging log to splatter my brains against a tree. You might’ve been a bad guy once, but it’s nearly been three months and you’ve more than proven yourself. And I can’t really not call you a friend when I feel guilty about how I treated you.

Neo: *Smiles, undoes her bra*

Jaune: Wait, WHAT!? *Neo jumps on him and smiling happily, gives his cheek a kiss and starts shaving* WAIT NEO NO, THAT’S NOT FAIR YOU CAN’T USE BOOBIES AS A WEAPON LIKE THA- *Neo shakes her body side to side* -GGRRRGGG! That is so cruel. You’re the worst friend ever. I’m glad you have to sit on my ribs and not my lap because that would be even worse.

Neo: *Continues shaving*

----------------- 

Day 146

Jaune: *Using his semblance* See, what’d I tell you? They get smarter! No way are those little demons gonna fall for the same trap twice.

Neo: *Lets Jaune heal the bloody bite marks from a rabbit, squirms*

Jaune: Stop it, you’re fine. *Kisses healed hand* Booboo be gone!

Neo: *Blushes brightly, stares wide eyed*

----------------- 

Day 179

Neo: *Spinkicks boulder about to crush Jaune*

Jaune: Thanks Neo! *To a small, derpy looking anthropomorphic rabbit* Your wretched plan is foiled you vile creature from the deepest pits of hell! Now do me a favor and get stabbed!

Neo: *Spins away, clutching her beating heart as the sound of a vicious goring occurs*

Jaune: Another day, another dead rabbit! Oh look, there’s more! *Offers the Spear of Ultimate Stick to Neo* You wanna eviscerate the next couple?

Neo: *Wonders what this feeling is*

----------------- 

Day 187

Jaune: *Gaping stupidly at Neo’s perfectly lit fire* W-wha? How!? Two months ago you lit my hair on fire *brushing hand through short, unstyled blondeness* but n-now...

Neo: *Smugly roasting bird meat*

Jaune: *Scoops Neo into a hug, spins the wide eyed mute* I understand how Dad felt when I finally learned to tie my shoes in the 6th grade now! I’m so proud, Neo! OW!

Neo: *Spits Jaune’s shoulder blood out, turns away blushing*

Jaune: Still proud. *Notices Neo blushing, deliberately not looking at him* Uh-oh. *Quietly, to himself* Oh no. I recognize this feeling. Ohhh shit. Okay, what the hell Jaune!? You see her boobs and you feel awkward about your boner for three days, but she looks all cute and embarrassed and that’s what does me in!? What kind of bullshit is this!?

Neo: *Oblivious, cupping her cheeks and cutely twisting back and forth*

-----------------

Day 219

Jaune: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: *Silently screaming at the top of her lungs*

Jaune: OH MY GOD NEO WHY THE FUCK IS HE SO BIG!? *Looks fearfully back at a 12 foot tall, musclebound, derpy looking anthroporphic rabbit sprinting at them with rage in its unthinking eyes*

Neo: *Frantically mimes stabbing*

Jaune: NEO, WHAT THE FUCK, I THINK HE’S TOO SWOLE FOR HUSHABYE!!!

Neo: *Heart flutters at Jaune’s name for their spear*

Giant Rabbit: ▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!

Jaune: *Ears ringing*

Neo: *Points at Jaune’s crotch, mimes stabbing*

Jaune: *Pales* THAT’S PROBABLY THE MOST EVIL THOUGHT YOU’VE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE! *Neo pouts, mimes it again* I’M JUST SAYING, NOT JUDGING, LET’S DO IT! *Uses semblance*

Neo: *Commits murder most foul*

Jaune: *Whips out the wooden knife* I’M SO SORRY FOR THIS, YOU OVERGROWN FREAK OF NATURE! *Jumps on the screaming body of the mutated rabbit, starts stabbing*

~~5 Minutes Later~~

Jaune: *Covered in blood, wipes forehead* Phew. Killing something this big really takes it out of you.

Neo: *Covered in blood, staring at Jaune wide eyed*

Jaune: Kind of a shame he looks basically human. Save for his stupid head, I guess, because I kinda don’t wanna eat anything that’ll make me feel too cannibally. *Puts hand on chin, blood drips* But I kinda think this is like the Final Boss of those rabbits. Maybe chop his head off and put on a pike like you did with that poor little blue guy that seemed to be the other blue people’s chief? *Nods resolutely* Yeah, gotta establish dominance and fear in those godless little fucks. *Looks at Neo* What do you think, NeeeMMMMPPPHHH!!!

Neo: *Glomps Jaune, shoves her tongue into his mouth*

-----------------

Day 237

Neo: Gakgh gakgh gakgh!

----------------- 

Day 243

Jaune: Oh god, yeah, fuck yeah, you like that don’t you? *Grabs Neo’s hair*

Neo: *Likes that very much*

-----------------

Day 249

Jaune: *Waggles knife* So, uh, aim for the kidneys?

Neo: *Nods emphatically*

Jaune: Huh. I guess I’ll test it out on Cinder. Thanks honey. *Kisses cheek*

Neo: *Swoons*

-----------------

Day 251

Jaune: *Naked, washing grumpy Neo’s hair* I really mean it! I am so sorry. Just, well, uh...okay, you give amazing head and I wasn’t expecting you to go for the balls. Or, uh, the other thing, but well, um *sighs* look, the taint thing was just really unexpected and I’m really sorry I came in your hair! *Blushes*

Neo: *Can’t help but be proud, leans into his hands*

-----------------

Day  268

Jaune: Is there no end to your flexibility!? *Chokes on air* Nope. Guess not.

Neo: *Doing the splits smugly*

-----------------

Day 274

Jaune: And that is why, despite what people say, Immortal Konflict is superior to Road Combatant!

Neo: *Nods seriously*

Jaune: Wanna play when we get back to Remnant, maybe after we kill Salem in her sleep or something?

Neo: *Nods excitedly*

Jaune: You’re the best! *Kisses temple* Ow, why are you hitting me, I thought you liked kisses!?

Neo: *Liking forehead and temple kisses but not wanting to admit it*

-----------------

Day 296

Jaune: *Cumming inside*

Neo: *Toes curl, signing ‘I Love You’ over and over again*

Jaune: *Panting* God I love you too, Neo.

Neo: *Gapes, signs*

Jaune: *Panting decreases* Uh, yeah? My Dad has permanent hearing damage from his Huntsman days. Some chick had a mortar-giant cudgel-battering ram weapon and you can guess about how well that went.

Neo: *Signs more*

Jaune: I-- *realizes* ohhhh. I get it. Uh, I didn’t even think about it. You never signed so I figured you never learned. Ow, my ass!

Neo: *Stops pinching his ass, signs again but slower*

Jaune: *Blushes brightly* Um, yeah. I did. Is that-- *Neo flips him onto his back, kissing him and rocking her hips*

-----------------

Day 338

Jaune: *Contently holding Neo* This really was the last thing I expected to happen. *Neo nods as she leans into him* I...I don’t think I can ever really not miss Pyrrha, or despise Cinder from the bottom of my soul.

Neo: *Signs rapidly that she feels the same way, that she misses Roman*

Jaune: Yeah. I know. *Clears throat* But I think it’s okay. I mean I didn’t expect this to happen, but I’m glad it did. *Snuggling occurs* We’re gonna get out of here. We’re putting Cinder in the dirt. Then we’re gonna do the same to Salem. Then buy a house.

Neo: *Signs*

Jaune: I’ve kinda been a country boy my whole life. It’s up to you *is headbutted* OW! *Neo rubs the back of her aching head, signs, Jaune rubs his chin* Then it’s decided.

*Enjoying each others presence*

----------------- 

Day 362

Weiss: Actually, the amount of slashes in the trees could just mean some new terrible creature of ridiculous origin could have made this area of the forest its stomping grounds.

Blake: *Flatly* As long it’s not the flying piranhas with steel teeth that drip acid, I’m fine.

Ruby: *Shudders* Please don’t remind me! I’m suppressing, Blake! Do you want to ruin fish sticks and mustard for me!?

Blake: *Grimaces* Yes.

Yang: *Ignores the bickering* Not gonna lie Weiss, after that giant crocodile with the crown and the cape and the penguin with the hammer, something a little more normal and horrific sounds just like home. *Adjusts cheetah print bikini, shifts hips under her grass skirt*

Weiss: *Eyebrow twitches* Right. Home. Which you clearly miss. *Eyes Yang’s flawless tan*

Yang: Huh? Well, yeah! Not to devalue the disaster we have waiting for us when we get back but I’m dying for a cheeseburger and a *in singsong* Strawberry Sunrise!

Ruby: *Cutting off Weiss and ignoring a fuming Blake* It could be Jaune though!

Weiss: Yes, possibly, but you have to consider the fact-- *Steps around tree, goes silent at the sounds*

Neo: *In a mating press clutching her feet, biting her lip and then silently moaning*

Jaune: *Going so hard he’s clapping Neo’s cheeks*

Weiss: --that maybe those living, spiny fruits got us again and we’re all on a very bad trip. *Can’t look away but wants to*

Ruby: *Blushes furiously*

Blake: *Covers nose, turns away*

Yang: I really wanna be there for our boy but *ignores Jaune’s cursing, Neo’s nodding and Jaune pushing in deep and creampieing the silently screaming mute* a really big part of me wants to punch him in his stupid face. Really!? Her!?

Blake: *Muffled* You sure you’re not just salty that it’s Neo?

Jaune: *Awkwardly, wide eyed but happy* Oh. Guys. Hey! Hi! *Weiss screeches as Jaune stands, Neo breathes heavily but grins smugly*

Yang: Nope. Not at all. *Clenching fist*

-----------------

Day 363

Yang: Okay. I’m cool with whole... *gestures at Neo and Jaune holding hands*  thing, because honestly I’d have to be a condescending and arrogant bitch to look down on you because of that, but really?

Ruby: Yang has a point, little blue people and psychotic but also really stupid rabbits and their super-duper-strong Daddy Rabbit? And you killed them alllll oh wow. *Staring at something that Jaune pulled from a bag* That’s a weird looking skull. *Whispering* Why does he have a skull!? Oh no, Neo really did corrupt him and not just with that!

Yang: *Gapes, recovers slowly, sarcastically* She is such a good influence on you Jaune.

Jaune: *Grinning* I know, right? I mean imagine if Neo wasn’t here with me! I probably would’ve survived but I would’ve been so depressed that I’d probably be coming back eyeless and with a ton of PTSD! And maybe a quirky catchphrase!

Yang: Because that’s important. *Rolls eyes* Besides, you couldn’t pull off a catchphrase to save your life.

Jaune: *Face goes slack, contorts stupidly in a scream* BWAAAAH!

Team RWBY: *Jerks*

Neo: *Bites Jaune’s pinky*

Jaune: OW-OW-OW! Take a joke, Neo!

Yang: No, yeah, pretty much on the shrimp’s side.

Weiss: I have no idea what that was but never do it again.

Blake: *Forgives Jaune and Neo for their crusade against the rabbits*

Ruby: *Giggling at the derp face Jaune made*

Jaune: Fine, fine, you win. *Pouting* Using their war cry would have been so insulting to their memory though.

Neo: *Smiling, kisses Jaune’s cheek, signs that he’s a big baby*

Weiss: Getting back to the point though, we didn’t think Jaune would be in nearly as good shape as he’s in now. In that regard I feel we owe Neopolitan a good deal of gratitude.

Blake: And like it or not Yang, having her not just be an enemy of Salem but actually on our side?

Yang: Yeah, well--

Ruby: Plus he’s happy! And I think he kind of needs it. *Sadly* We all do. A-and if Neo is what makes him happy, then I think I’m happy too.

Jaune: *Touched* Rubes...

Ruby: It hurts, Jaune. But I can’t imagine...well, I can’t imagine if it were me. So it’ll take time but the best thing I can do here is be happy for you and get us outta here! *Pumps fist*

Neo: *Signs rapidly*

Jaune: *Grins* And make Cinder and Salem unalive! And in the days leading to that, make them wish they were already dead!

Ruby: *Uncomfortable at the bloodlust* Umm...

Yang: Ah fuck it, you speak my language like that and I can’t stay mad at you! Let’s do it! *Slaps Blake’s ass*

Blake: *Yelps, blushes and glares at Yang* Is this really the time for that!?

Weiss: *Rubbing the bridge of her nose with her eyes squeezed shut* Ah, the onset of a pounding headache. Truly the gang is back together again.

----------------- 

Day 365

Jaune: Kinda conveniant that exactly one year after falling into the mythical island of who knows where we find ourselves back in the real world, isn’t it?

Neo: *Hand on her hip, staring at him*

Yang: I’m with the midget. *Grass skirt swishes* Are you really about to complain we’re free of that hellhole?

Weiss: They have a point. After everything we fought there you’d think you would be more appreciative.

Jaune: I am. It just seemmmmpph! *Is kissed by Neo*

Neo: *Happily shuts Jaune up*

Ruby: Alright, let’s do this!

*Action pose except Yang’s tan, in a cheetah fur bikini and a grass skirt, Jaune has a handful of Neo’s ass and Neo is grabbing Jaune by the hair, clearly using tongue and Hushabye is aimed in a slightly red faced Blake’s direction*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got the chance to see the RWBY finale today and rather than be depressed and think about Penny, I decided I’d go ahead and write a Silent Knight fic instead. It’s all over the place but really, that’s to be expected since I went in with no plan. I know people are already bitching over on Reddit about Jaune possibly getting attention, but like with most people who dislike a character I decided to pay them no mind whatsoever.

Because honestly, with Dragonslayer never happening I’d be perfectly fine with Jaune x Neo.

As for this entire thing, I had way more fun with it than I should have and I hope anyone reading it has just as much fun as I did writing it.

Oh. And yes, there were plenty of Rabbids and Smurfs harmed in the creation of this lengthy drabble.

[teatimecrumpetsandsugar]

ethereal (voltron fantasy/royalty AU) (set up; part zero)

Heyo! It’s your friendly neighborhood Voltron fanfic aficionado- now your friendly neighborhood Klance writer but that’s honestly besides the point I don’t even know why you’d bring up my increasing obsession with them in this Klance fanfic that I swear everyone else will be in, too-

Today, I’ll be writing from a fantasy royalty AU with my favorite show cast ever, even though it may or may not be solely because I want to put water elemental!king!Lance in pretty dresses and makeup and just go crazy with my descriptions of gowns and other things.

I imagine, here, Lance would be from a kingdom with strong ties to Pidge’s kingdom, who has strong ties with Hunk’s kingdom, making them a powerful trifecta. I also imagine that Keith and Lance’s kingdoms are on very thin ice with one another, so Pidge encourages Lance to sit down with fire elemental!king!Keith. 

I also imagine that Pidge’s kingdom is closely allied with Allura’s and that the two of them grew up together, while she didn’t meet Hunk or Lance until she became queen. Also, I’d like to have my beloved Ruler Pidge go by she/they pronouns, simply because I see a lot of myself in the way she dresses and carries herself and I actually believe that these pronouns would fit her, alongside all pronouns.

Hunk and Lance likely grew up together in a very close ally ship and continue to be close friends well into adulthood because that’s just how they are. I can imagine Lance is very vaguely aware of Allura’s kingdom and would never dream of picking a fight with hers since, by default, allying with Pidge made him allies with Allura, but he probably doesn’t know her very well pre the canon timeline because I kind of want to build that relationship from the ground up to make up for what the show did to me-

Keith is definitely allied with Shiro, and Pidge and Shiro were always friends through her older brother, who, along with her father, abdicated from the throne and joined an adventurer’s guild instead (because they believed that Pidge would be a better fit for a ruler and decided that, given how they are, reconnaissance and exploration fit them better. She agreed with this insight, deciding to rule the kingdom the best way she knew how). Shiro, being a much more experienced king and friends with their brother, likely prepared them for the role as they grew into it; the two are on friendly terms, but allied isn’t exactly the right term as none of the people in their alliance knew Keith, so they weren’t sure they could ally with him. 

Lance met Keith at a gala years into his reign; they did not get along.

The system of Magic here will likely be dictated by what element one is born in the kingdom of, (i.e., Lance’s kingdom being the Aqua Kingdom, Pidge’s being the Spiritus Kingdom) and the strength of it in each person will be chosen based on a random set of variables that usually depends on the mood of the Gods corresponding to each element.

Lance- Water (Aqua Kingdom)

Keith- Fire (Ignis Kingdom)

Pidge- Life (Spiritus Kingdom)

Hunk- Earth (Terra Kingdom)

Shiro- Moon (Luna Kingdom)

Allura- Light (Lux Kingdom)

I imagine the reason an alliance is called for with Keith and Shiro’s kingdoms is because a traitor to Allura’s kingdom, either Lotor is planning on starting an entire mutiny with the ranks he’s managed to gather and then, consequently, conquer all of the rest of the kingdoms by force in the name of a long-dead kingdom- the Tenebris kingdom. His parents having died in the midst of a total economic crash caused by a codependent relationship with Allura’s kingdom whilst it was under her father’s rule, he was taken in by the state of Lux by Allura’s request, since they grew up together; unfortunately Lotor held lingering feelings of resentment- towards Lux, for causing the destruction of the only thing he could’ve ever considered his own by right, and towards his parents for always making him feel as if he was of no worth. He wants to conquer the entire world just to prove to himself that he is worth something, though, unfortunately, he’s on a path straight to death.

Might redeem him, might kill him off, might exile him- who knows at this point?

Hunk, I imagine, was a commoner who won the title of king through a series of magic-based trials (upon the death of the last ruler) and now keeps his entire family in the palace with him, using his title to take care of his family and citizens as a benevolent ruler. This likely happened when he was quite young- likely when he was 9 or 10, since magic is an innate thing and, in this kingdom, it’s tested in the youngest members of the kingdom in order to deem who is the most connected to their Goddess Terra.

Allura inherited her title when her own father died in the conflict with Tenebris- he went to battle with the people they’d unintentionally doomed in order to protect his daughter and his people, and died in the process; similar to her story in Voltron except her kingdom survives and Lotor and a select few survivors of the Galra become refugees.

Keith became king by beating the previous king’s son in a battle- his mother, being one of the higher ups in the government, sent word to him that the prince didn’t want to be king, so Keith wound up challenging him for the title. He won, successfully making his way into the world of prestige and getting closer to his mother. The prince left the kingdom shortly after- it’s believed that he ran away to be with someone, but no one is quite sure. All anyone knows is that he’s happy.

Lance wound up being king at a really young age- I’m imagining that, prior to his reign, his kingdom was incredibly strictly patriarchal. The previous king likely only had daughters, and the day of his death, Lance was born with incredibly powerful water magic. As a result, at the age of 6 years old, he was forcibly taken from his poor family and raised strictly to be a perfect king- however, he still saw his sister Veronica frequently in secret, the two of them sneaking around to eat baked goods and try on dresses together. When the palace staff found out, they tightened security and warned Veronica that she was no longer allowed to see him unless she wanted to be publicly executed. After his coronation (at age 8), however, he started making drastic changes to the laws that made the laws against commoners interacting with royalty more lax, and, once allowed to dress himself, started wearing dresses and makeup because it reminded him of home and made him feel as beautiful as he knew he was. He gets quite homesick quite often, and he’s still battling to get his family into the palace with him- he has, however, stripped the kingdom of its strict patriarchy. He constantly tells the kingdom that he hopes to one day pass the throne down to his own future daughter and still keeps the three princesses as his trusted advisors because he believes what happened to them was horribly unjust. The story will be told primarily from his perspective.

Shiro became ruler of his kingdom by fighting his way through gladiator ranks when he was only thirteen, winning the entire kingdom by brute force alone and leaving him with a lot more experience and trauma than he’d have liked. Being the oldest of the current generation of rulers and having inherited a kingdom that was closely related to Pidge’s and Keith’s, he guided them both through the process of becoming a ruler and the process of ruling, no matter how difficult it gets. It’s taken far longer with Keith than it has Pidge, since Pidge was raised a royal and has an innate sense of leadership and Keith is... interesting at the whole being a royal thing. Shiro, having grown up with Keith’s mother on the streets of the kingdom of Tenebris, was more than happy to take Keith under his wing- it helps the both of them come out of their shells more, so they have a mutual appreciation for one another.

I imagine this world will be vaguely futuristic and medieval at the same time- they’ll be able to have video conferences and reach other via communicators, holographic calls, things of that nature; but they’ll also be pretty old-fashioned in their manners of dress, their social systems, their currencies, and the vast majority of their laws. I hope that makes sense.

I wonder if it’s visible here that I spent three hours winging this and started getting more and more into it as I went, or if it’s obvious that I spend most of my time working with really obscure fantasy concepts. 

BAHDHAAHAHA I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THIS- 

If you’ve got any suggestions for relationship dynamics (platonic, romantic, or otherwise), any pitches for traits you think the characters may have based on their slightly altered backstories, or any feedback in general, feel free to share- I hope you all find this as fascinating as I did while I was writing it!

Also, @keefsteefs It’s happening, I’m doing it, it’s gonna be so fricking awesome-

[before-the-black-pearl]

I made those modern Jack and Fitzy headcanons over a year and a half ago. I started writing a modern!AU fic since then so I developed the headcanons more and I wanted to share some of them. Keep in mind this may be a little different than what I present in the actual fic. I’m making some shit up on the spot.

So picture this: The young Jack Sparrow books taking place today and all the characters are in high school in Tampa, Florida, and the school is called...

Barnacle High School

Jack the “I was at the door when the bell rang” Sparrow:

He’s one of The Boyz🥶🥵😎 But like the stupid kind who thinks they’re better than everyone else.

He’s a troublemaker and creates a lot of mischief around campus.

Mischief includes but not limited to: pulling the fire alarm multiple times, drilling holes between the boys and girls gym locker rooms, defaced a bunch of textbooks with The Boyz drawing dicks on every single page, one time he snuck into the office and played pr0n on the schoolwide intercom speaker, a time he gave everyone “shits and giggles” (laxative and weed) brownies at a school dance and caused everyone to shit and puke all over the gym floor and it made the news,..... How tf isn’t he expelled?

Unsurprisingly he gets in fights. The fights are half of the time started by other students, but gets in trouble anyway.

Constantly interrupts the teachers to the point where they write him up or kick him out.

Sometimes fucks with the quiet kids like “Hey, mate, do you know what we’re doing?” “Can you like teach it to me?” “You can do it for me, right?” “Why don’t you ever talk, mate?”

He’s actually pretty smart but the teachers don’t like him and home sucks so he gave up.

Probably has ADHD.

Wears layers, like leather, denim, flannels, t-shirts, hoodies, jeans of various “tightness”, studded belts, many pairs of combat boots or knockoff timbs. Half his shit is from Goodwill.

Undercuts for dayyyzzzz. Think Coming Storm cut but the bottom is shaved off.

Still wears his nasty ass bandana even though the teachers always tells him he can’t wear it in class.

His makeup literally always slaps.

He likes to collect random things and sometimes puts them on his clothes or his backpack or in his locker.

Obsessed with dead things (furs, pelts, bones, stuffed animals, etc)

Has a fascination with the sea and likes the nautical aesthetic.

Bonus: Yeah he totally vapes.

Arabella the “Shut up and let me work” Smith:

She’s the “good kid” and sometimes the “quiet kid.” Jack definitely fucks with her in class sometimes until she pops off and they both get written up.

She’s an honors student and exceeds well in her classes.

She’d rather blend in with the crowd and not many students really notice her. She keeps herself contained in a small group of friends.

If she’s not with her friends, she’s probably in the library.

She’s really into Art and History.

Kind of a conspiracy nut and likes reading into urban legends and stuff.

Infodumps about her interests to Jack and he gets hella annoyed.

Jack sometimes follows her around and she gets hella annoyed but she gets sad when he’s not around.

Mediates between Jack and Fitz.

Jack and Fitzy fight over her. Jean has shown a little interest in her too.

She ate the “giggles” from Jack’s brownies. She got so fucked up she had a panic attack and left the dance really early before all the chaos began in the gym.

Kinda looks like she hasn’t really left 2015...like basic white girl with knit sweaters and cardigans, t-shirts and tanks, leggings, boots or sandals, etc. Sometimes also wears hoodies and jeans.

Headbands and beanies and cottagecore-like bandanas.

Yeah her makeup slaps too.

She works for her father after school at the Tortuga Tavern, formerly named Faithful Bride before it was forced to change to something more “PC.”

Fitzwilliam the “My uncle is the principal” Dalton (the third):

Basic snobby rich kid.

President of every “snobby kid club”; the Chess Club, the Key Club, the Student Council, and Yearbook.

Also an athlete and is in the school’s track team and soccer team.

Is in a clique with his equally snobby friends.

Yeah but he’s like hella proper.

He’s well educated and knows several different languages.

Hella ignorant about certain shit tho.

Big fuckin FLEXER with his expensive name-brand clothing and tech.

Lies about being friends with celebrities and online influencers and shit.

Ate one of the “shits” brownies....Just leaving that to the imagination until I make a one-shot.

Drippin’ Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Michael Kors, Coach, etc... Literally like full fucking tracksuits, knit sweater over button-up combo, fancy coats, name-brand t-shirts, jeans over hundreds to thousands of $$$, shoes costing almost as much as rent.

The pocketwatch from the books is a fancy golden $30,000 Rolex wristwatch.

Jack keeps taking his watch.

Wears his hair up in a manbun like it’s still 2015 and Jack keeps teasing him about it.

Yeah got like a brand new iPhone and and iPad and a really expensive laptop and an iWatch even though I already got a regular watch on my other wrist.

Jean the “I swear to god she’s like my sister” Magliore:

Y’all know it, he’s in the Anime Club.

Jean and Tumen are best friends, and in my story, foster brothers.

Likes video games and always has his Nintendo Switch with him.

Internet memelord and low key has “band kid” energy.

Always be sending Tumen or the “Barnacle Crew” group chat memes.

Being from New Orleans is a personality trait and is very enthused with his Creole roots and loves creole dishes.

He runs a foodie Instagram account with a large following. Self proclaimed foodfluencer.

Sometimes sells candy and chips at school. Gets in trouble for it.

Yeah he ate multiple brownies at the dance....

Jean has a cat Constance, named after his deceased sister, he brings to school hidden in his backpack.

Constance will literally eat just about everything, mimics human noises, and her expressions are very human-like according to Jean. Her traits are so much like his sister, Jean believes she is his sister born as a cat in a new life.

He made Constance her own Instagram account.

Jack HATES Constance. Constance LOVES Jack.

Hoodies, jeans, headphones, beanies.

His hair is the same but a bit shorter.

“Suspiciously quiet kid” Tumen:

The quiet kid sitting in the back of the class and drawing while listening to music.

He is also in the Anime Club with Jean.

Since Jean is into video games, Tumen is a weeb.

Jean is the only person he really hangs out with at school.

Tumen doesn’t have a phone in my fanfic but for the purpose of this headcanon and the group chat, he does have one.

He’s more of a “lurker” in the GC.

Jean’s #1 meme reactor.

He watches anime crack videos.

Tumen is the most “immature” than the others since he’s the youngest.

The only one who didn’t eat the brownies. Got interviewed on the news.

He takes pride in his Mayan heritage.

Has a random interest in geography and wants a career as a cartographer.

Anime t-shirts and hoodies galore.

Always has his hood up in class.

Teachers always telling him to put his hood down.

Tim “the newbie” Hawk:

He eventually transfers to Barnacle High.

I don’t have a full headcanon written for him yet.

Principal Lawrence Norrington:

Principal of Barnacle High.

Fitzwilliam’s uncle.

HATES Jack Sparrow.... Again how tf is Jack not expelled?

Brings his kid James to work sometimes even though the kid should be at school himself.

Jack sitting in the principal’s office in trouble again and James keeps bugging him. “Do you play Fortnite?” “No. Beat it, kid.”

Tia Dalma:

The school nurse.

Jack is buddies with her and he goes to her and pretends to be sick when he wants to ditch class.

Has crab parts in jars in the cabinets. No one questions it.

Joshamee Gibbs:

The janitor.

He’s in the Navy but he’s on off-duty employment.

Jack is buddies with him too.

He writes Jack fake doctors notes or signs permission slips or covers for Jack when he’s ditching, in exchange for booze Jack has at home.

He had to clean up the gym after the brownies incident ☹️

I don’t know how to write Davy Jones into this.

For the sake of this headcanon, it would be funny if Torrents was like a science teacher or something. Or if Madame Minuet was like an economics or math teacher. Or if Silverback is an English teacher. Or if Left-Foot Louis is a PE teacher and he’s all running in circles because he’s got two left feet lol.

Btw all these teachers HATE Jack 😂

[littlx-songbxrd]

Ok I meant to answer you're question about what I thought of the show ages ago but I forgot.

I LOVED IT OMGGGG! I got so many kitty vibes from Wilhelm and Simon! The touching! The softness! It's those vibes exactly! I want that energy in TWP.

COMRADE SIMON!! We stan! That speech he made at the very beginning about the differences in attitudes towards "tax evasion" vs. "Welfare fraud." Legend behavior.

Sara!!!! My girl!!!!!! An autistic/adhd character PLAYED BY AN AUTISTIC ACTRESS!!!! THIS IS SO HUGE!!! I would die for my problematic queen. I made an entire post on her but the gist is, I get where she's coming from and understand why she feels the way she feels but dear God girl make better choices and stay the hell away from August.

Speaking of.... I wanna run August over several times. Vroom vroom motherfucker. The fact that he

- filmed MINORS HAVING SEX AND TGE POSTED IT ONLINE

-kissed Sara behind Felice's back when they were still dating WITHOUT HER CONSENT BTW

- Wanted to blame Simon for the drugs because he knew it would be easy because Simon's family is lower class and doesnt have the same social standing as one of the "members of the society"

- Also it didn't escape my notice that the cult like faternety type group with all the rich, mainly white boys is called The Society. This shows commentary on class is vv interesting. Especially the little things like two girls just randomly advocating for THE DEATH PENALTY. The rich people audacity.

-Anyways back to August, when he tried to excuse his actions with Wilhelm and get all teary like no bitch you can't manipulate your way out of this one. And again with Sara! When he said "Wilhelm has everything" I wanted to scream! Like he's fucking closeted and clearly suffering from panic attacks and extreme anxiety you moron.

-Anyways!! I also think that Wilhem might be autistic because he just feels autistic. Like the vibes are there.

- The girl group is so sweet? And to have the popular girl be a Black girl who isn't "stereotypically attractive" with a more medium sized body and bad acne. As someone who has really bad skin I needed that. Felice is kinda awesome imo.

Let me see what else??

-Simon and his mom speaking Spanish consistently throughout the show. It sounded pretty natural to me? But I'm not a native speaker. (Or even fluent honestly lol.)

- Simon and Wilhelm are honestly so adorable and in love and it made my heart ache. (I am so touch starved I swear..)

-My only main beef is the outing plotline and the show using an outdated medical term for Sara, aspergers. It's literally just autism. Also it's kind of offensive because Hans Asperger was a n*zi who literally killed autistic children because they weren't useful to capitalism. SOOOO yeah.

As for the outing plotline, I feel like the cishets have like three plotlines that they use for queer stories. Outing/coming out, one of them dies, or one if them bullies the other until they both fall in love. It's tired.

But overall I really loved it.

HI SORRY I HADNT REPLIED

I wanted to correctly talk to you about this series so I logged in through my computer to make it easier for me :D

LOOK AT THIS POINT IVE RELATED THEM TO LITERALLY EVERY COMFORT SHIP I HAVE LIKE. I've compared this to kitty, I've compared this to Thomastair, I've compared this to my friends to ocs who she has obsessed me with (youd actually like them if you liked this tbh) IVE COMPARED ME TO MY OCS

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I JUST LOVE THEM

IF KITTY DOESNT HAVE THIS ENERGY IN TWP WHAT WAS THE POINT

what was the point cc??

S I M O N

OH GOD WHEN HE SAID THAT I WENT OMG YEAH

new favorite character

Great

SHES PLAYED BY AN AUTISTIC ACTRESS?? Sorry I hadn't known! Haven't actually gotten to obsessively look at the cast I've been trying to get over the last episode BUT THATS SO COOL. SARA IS AMAZING AND I ADORE HER. I'll read your post after this! But of course STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM AUGUST GIRL PLEASE

Tbh I understood where she was coming from with everything with Simons image falling apart and her having to suffer when she had just started having friends , just after finding he had been lying to her. But love, AUGUST?

A U G U S T ???

WHO JUST FOUND OUT OUTED YOUR BROTHER

Also random and stealing this from @marzzinaa i totally hc Sara as a demi girl for some reason

Im kinda sad we didnt see her speak spanish as much we did simon :(

But oh well I LOVE HER AND YEAH STAY AWAY FROM AUGUST GOD

FAE WE RUN HIM OVER TOGETHER BROOM BROOM

You already said it all, I just agree

Ok I'll bring a machete you bring whatever you wish and we kill him sound good?

ALSO YEAH I TOTALLY NOTICED HOW THE ECONOMIC DINAMICS CAME INTO PLAY AND HOW IT BASICALLY LET YOU KNOW HOW THE PRIVILEGED ELITES COULD GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING

meanwhile they wanted to pass off to Simon who came from a lower class family the blame

Also I'd like to mention how that would also play into the stereotype latinos are all drug dealers

Which I love how they didnt make his dead beat alcoholic man the latino parent, when I first read the description I thought they might do that, but im so glad they didnt

I think it might have been a comentary idk i liked that they DIDNT make the poc parent the dead beat

THE FRIEND GROUP WAS SO COOL AND I LOVED ALL OF THEM AND YES FELICE WAS JUST <3

I love how they didnt make her stereotypically perfect AND YES MID SIZED REP WAS AMAZING TO SEE

Also im so glad you got to see that represented!!

So I am a native speaker and him talking to his mom MADE ME CRY

it was WONDERFUL I WANT MORE OF IT

pls most her phrases reminded me to my own mom

Autistic wilhelm you say?? omg tell me more (if you want)

Oh thats awful, well I'll just refer to Sara as autistic and hope the showrunners fix that next season because if they dont-

Yikes

Oh yeah, thats valid critisism. But in my opinion they actually wrote it pretty well so I wont really be complaining about an overall media problem with queer stories rn. If so I'll be here all day. But yeah its an overall problem but it wasnt done bad in my opinion so!

I'll shut up, for now

IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT FEEL FREE TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT WITH ME PLS ITS MY OBSESSION NOW IM GONNA BE ANNOYING ABOUT IT ALL MONTH

[skzluvs]

Strawberry Cheesecake 🍰; Han Jisung

Genre: Fluff!

Warnings: Swearing

Word count: 2.3K

A/N: Reuploading this one cause it had too many mistakes!

She tasted the saltiness of the caramel Frappuccino she ordered next to her a strawberry cake her ultimate favorite.

"So tell me Y/N how's school" Chan asked with a smile while he sipped his iced americano.

You where sitting at table in a vintage local coffee shop surrounded by aesthetically pleasing neon signs and flowers.

"You know being a college freshman is way harder than I thought" You sighed looking at him. Discomfort written all over your face.

“I know that face you make when something is troubling you, what it is exactly? I truly doubt is school related" He spoke softly.

" I swore I wasn't going to fall for him Chan, then tell me why I can't take him off my mind" You almost banged your head on the table as a sign of frustration.

You just couldn't understand why he made you feel that particular way and why exactly had to be him the one who everyone wanted the one you absolutely just couldn't have.

“He just has that effect on people Y/N"- Chan laughed showing his cute dimples.

" He truly does but that's not the point Chan you are supposed to be my friend and tell me to stay away from him before I fall in deeper"

Chan knew him they're weren't exactly close but they both shared American literature and that means they have talked here and then. Also they share a lot of things in common for example they were majoring on the same career.

" I can't do that sweetheart because indeed I'm your friend and if you like him I guess I support it"- He raised his shoulders innocently.

" Christopher Bang Chan! I never said I liked him to begin with and second of all you are such a bad friend this is why Woojin will always be my favorite"- You replied to him with annoyance raising your voice a little. Causing some customers to look at you.

Yes, you had the guy on your mind 24/7 but you just couldn't afford to like him. It was not safe, there were a million reasons why you couldn’t fall on that trap and mainly because you didn't wanted to become another one of the so called “fans” he has too many of those already.

" I feel disrespected but let me remind you woojin is still mad at you because you ate his precious chicken" He snapped back.

"What part of I was drunk both of you don't understand I was about to passed out and that chicken was the only thing that was on the fridge it was totally not my fault in fact you guys should do the groceries more often just saying" you responded with a sassy tone.

You were too busy fighting with Chan to noticed that a group of guys entered the coffee shop. And in that small crowd of young boys the protagonist of your chaotic nonexistent love life.

" Y/N I think we are missing the point here" He said trying to go back to the initial conversation.

" And that is..." You said waiting impatiently for him to answer.

" To admit that you do like him" a grin spread across his face.

You wanted to beat him so hard for being such a cheeky bastard.

"Fuck you Christopher I'm just going to pretend I didn't heard you assume my feelings like that" You scoffed in disbelief.

" What are you so afraid of though" he questioned raising an eyebrow at you.

" I already told you. First of all he's never going to like me back we only talked like twice and that's only because my clumsy ass bumped into him in the library"

" Don't you guys share a clase together" Chan asked while taking a sip of his coffee.

" Yes economics, but you know Mr. popular sits in the back surrounded by girls who are staring at him all day admiring his beauty while on the contrary I have to sit on the front so I can actually listen to Wilson talk about Adam Smith and his invisible hand of capitalism for an hour straight"

" Sounds like fun" he repeated mocking you.

" Today you are acting like a real asshole and I'm questioning why I'm still friends with you"- You said sending him a dead stare.

"I guess someone not in the mood for jokes" He said grinning.

"I'm just stressed out okay!"- You growled.

" Well I'm just going to say, you can keep denying it all you want I know you better than anyone else and unfortunately I can tell you are already in love with the poor man"

Mental note never talk about your love life with Christopher Bang because he has no fucking clue about anything else but music.

" When did you gotten so wise ? clearly never because all you are saying is nothing but bullshit" You crossed my arms in denial.

" Whatever you say Y/N. Why haven't you eaten your strawberry cake yet this matter must be really affecting you today because you tend to devore that thing in seconds"

The straberry cheesecake was just there sitting lonely on the table dripping the red syrup while the big chunk of straberry on top was slowly melting. You stared at it lost on your own thoughts.

There are too many reason why is even risky to think You were to like him but You couldn’t help to suppress a smile when You thought about him laughing or just walking confidently along with his friends through the hallways. You felt like a high schooler all over again having this secret crush on someone who can be seen as unreachable.

To you he was a like a shinning star in a sky, someone I wished upon up every night knowing that even with my extended hands I was never going to be able to touch because he felt too high for a simple mortal like yourself.

" HEY BANG CHAN"- a voice called for my best friend who rapidly turn his head looking for the owner.

You stayed there frozen In your place you could recognize that voice anywhere Seo Changbin one of the richest and most admired guys in school and of course for my misfortune his best friend.

“Hey Seo how you been?"  He asked while greeting the boy with a typical handshake.

There was no surprised that Changbin was talking to Chan they're both Music Majors, talented creative, self producers who were extremely passionate about their career unlike you who selected probably the most boring and time consuming career it could possible exist.

That's correct You were a Med student. Exciting knowing You’ll probably die before I get the chance to graduate.

"I've been well but actually I wanted to talk to you about a song I've been working on, do you maybe want to help me with some tracks ?” He asked directly and I could've sworn I heard Chris gasp.

" Of course mate I would love to" He replied with that beautiful smile showing off his dimples once again.

" I'm actually not that busy right now do you mind if we go to my place and work on it I barely started the beat" Changbin suggested.

" I don't mind I'm not busy either" Chan said immediately.

" Then let's go! can't wait for you to hear it" Changbin said turning around quickly.

You turned to face him for the first time since he got here, they were just talking comfortably as they pretended You wasn't even there but honestly You didn't mind at all, that's what happens when people with similar interests get together also nor You wanted to interrupt their personal conversation.

" I'm leaving Baby! I'll see you tomorrow I'm sorry we couldn't finish talking about you know what but I'll treat you to dinner next time"- Channie said while taking his jacket from the chair and standing up to follow Changbin.

" Don't worry about me, have fun with your new friend" You gave him a smile before he disappeared through the crystal doors of the coffee shop.

And then you came back to your thoughts while you kept on staring at my favorite dessert that didn't look as appetizing as before when you purchased it about 30 minutes ago.

As you was having this mental battle of trying to figure out my feeling for the dark haired boy you didn't even noticed that someone approached your table and stand there looking directly at you.

" Y/N" A sweet voice called out your name taking me out of your trance.

"Huh"- You said looking up confused.

That the minute your heart stopped for a couple of seconds and suddenly You forgot how to properly breathe. The most beautiful man was standing right there next to you with his hands on his pockets and his beautiful brown hair styled to the side. He was wearing sweatpants and a red hoodie but he still looked like a model.

"Can I sit here or are you waiting for someone" He asked offering that smile you always end up falling for.

Was he actually talking to you? You questioned mentally. You don't even know each other like that You wonder how is it possible that he even knows your name maybe he has a good memory and remembers you as the girl who tripped with the books on him on the library.

“God why did my mom had to made me uncoordinated” you said unaudible feeling your ears burn in embarrassment.

Your hands were sweating and You couldn't get the words out of your mouth you was suffocating on them.

" You can sit" you said rushing your words as you could spitted fire. If Chan ever needed a back up rapper you think you could do the job.

He proceeded to pull the chair in front of you and plopped himself on it while putting his elbows on the table and resting his cheeks on his hand his eyes looking directly at me. You instantly broke the eye contact and focused your gaze on that strawberry cheesecake again.

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes were neither of you made a sound until he decided to end it.

" Y/N i need to ask you something" His sweet voice sounded a little preoccupied.

" What is it" It was so hard for you to pretend to play it cool in front of him. The one who haunted you even on your own sleep a place where you thought it was safe. But not anymore.

"I know we haven't talked much but I found you really interesting" He scratched the back of his head nervously. "what I'm trying to say is that I would really like to get to know you I mean if that's okay with you of course" He said so fast no wonder why he's actually a rapper.

The red of your cheeks were just as the color of the strawberry syrup from that cake. How was you supposed to answer that while not long ago you was rejecting any possibility of liking him.

" I know this question might sound stupid to you but why me? You know there's absolutely no one in this one who hasn't fallen for you yet" I questioned still unable to believe on his words.

" Oh I know there's one, You are the only one who hasn't" He said obviously.

" So you are saying you find me challenging because I can resist to your charming face " you raised an eyebrow starting to feel offended you clearly wasn't going to be a game to him.

" Not quite I'm saying you are different and I like that maybe you don't realize it but even if the whole world liked me I would still only look at you, I mean I have been since you came in late the first day to Wilson's trying to fix yourself because you looked like you ran a marathon to get there" His laugh overflowed the whole room.

"Excuse me but my alarm didn't worked that morning and I didn't even got to eat breakfast so yes I ran my way all over there sorry I didn't looked presentable to your eyes but some people don't want to be late on their first day" You snapped back messing with him a little.

It was comfortable being with him like this right now. Something told me you was going to cherish this moment forever.

"I never said you looked bad in that moment I thought wow that messy girl is the prettiest one I've ever seen" A smirk spreading across his face.

"Are you just trying to cover up the fact that you literally just roasted me" You said laughing.

" Hey I didn't!” He said puffing outhis cheeks and You must admit he looks adorable every time he does that.

“By the way I was also meaning to ask is strawberry cheesecake your favorite as well?” He asked looking at the almost melted dessert.

" Yes it is. I have tried many variations but I always come back to this old friend, trust me I can eat strawberry cheesecakes for life I just haven't eaten this one because I was too distracted"

"Mine too! I love all kinds of cheesecakes to be honest with you, but no other flavor can surpass the deliciousness of the strawberry one. I must say it's my favorite because in some way it reminds me of you"

"How so" You asked curiously trying to hide the blush on your cheeks.

" It's really sweet but not to the point my teeth would hurt and the juicy texture of the strawberry just melts with the cheese and the cookie crust that's kinda how you are Sweet enough for me to like you with a twist personality that makes it even more fun"

You grabbed the fork and cut a piece of the cake while You shoved it on his mouth.

"Just be quiet for a moment you are being cheesier than the cheesecake" You said pointing at the plate while laughing at his sudden confession.

“Mmm this is delicious” He said savoring the taste on his lips. Liking them slowly in a teasing way.

“By the way, just for the record I was the one who purposely bumped into you at the library I'm sorry I had to grabbed your attention somehow" He winked at you with a smirk.

"JISUNG" You yelled at him.

You both talked about many things that afternoon but one thing you would never be able to forget is how his lips also tasted sweet like that strawberry cheesecake you shared.

[itsyourchoicedevotionals]

Added To Their List

“Then I will draw near to you for judgment. I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, against the adulterers, against those who swear falsely, against those who oppress the hired worker in his wages, the widow and the fatherless, against those who thrust aside the sojourner, and do not fear me, says the Lord of hosts.” Malachi 3:5ESV

Let’s look at the background of our text. God is angry with Judah. They went through motions of loving and serving Him, but without real respect for Him as Sovereign God. Rather than giving God their best, their offerings are blind and lame, (Malachi 1:8). By placing offerings, unworthy to give even a friend, on the altar they mimicked God. Then wonder, ‘why He doesn’t accept our offerings?’

Priests lead the pack running to sin, encouraging people to follow them into sinfulness. They advocated divorcing their mates. Taught no one needed to respect God or require His help. Committing adultery became sport. Lying, cheating and stealing and being self-sufficient added to their list of sins.
 Closely describes many of today’s churches, too closely for my taste. If you can’t see any parallel, ask God to open your eyes.

With all of these charges against them, God says: V5NLT “At that time I will put you on trial…” Have you ever sat through a trial? Trials are dramatic, emotional and stressful. In my ex-husband’s murder-rape trial, the defense attorney pled insanity for him— he hoped for a way out. The rape victim, left for dead, identified him as her boyfriend’s murderer.

God tells these people, “I’m putting you on trial,” equally as serious as the trial I mentioned. Another charge He placed against the people would prove His other charges. How? Their hearts where finances and obedience are concerned reveal sinfulness or lack of dedication to God. V8ESV “Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing Me. But you say, ‘How have we robbed You? In your tithes and contributions.” Cheating isn’t just fudging on taxes. Tithes withheld are considered robbery by Almighty God.

Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” Matthew 6:21KJV. As I’ve fallen more and more in love with Yahweh God, my purse strings have become looser. While I don’t have resources to throw a hundred into the offering plate for missionaries, I’ve surpassed the dollar bill.

In 2000 God gave me a prophecy regarding September 11, 2001. Holy Spirit said the world, as we knew it, would change that day. (It did.) He said there would be a severe economic downturn. (We’ve had two.) Then He said, God would account tithing as righteous. (He does). Lastly, He told me, those considered righteous in those upcoming days would walk about doing all of the miracles Jesus did in His lifetime and more.

We’re living in a time like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Good actions are hated. Sinfulness is lauded as good. Evil is exalted. The sins of Malachi’s time plus voter fraud, murder of babies, and sexual perversions are hailed as ‘right’ living. Time for walking in Jesus’ power and authority has to be coming soon.

Now I don’t know about you, I want to be found righteous during this time, by God. I desire the privilege of walking around doing all the miracles Jesus did. Do you? Where is your heart? Are you religious and evil like the Israelites? Will you repent and get ready? It’s your choice. You choose.

PRAYER: Papa God, we are desperate for Your help to keep us from being stingy, selfish people without true love for You in our hearts. Help us change our hearts, in Jesus name I pray.

by Debbie Veilleux Copyright 2020 You have my permission to reblog  this devotional for others. Please keep my name with this devotional as author. Thank you.

[ziracona]

How many people were tested just for others anyway? Gordon's wife and daughter, Daniel (the wiki says it was also for shoplifting but he was 16 so I call bs), literally everyone except Lynn and her husband in Saw III, and my memory past 3 is fuzzy but that one lying author's wife comes straight to mind. They weren't being tested for whatever John pretended his survival of the fittest policy was they were terrorized tortured and/or killed for basically nothing but the pain of the target.

Anon you’re so valid TuT 

ITS TRUE AND WE SHOULD ALL SAY IT!!! Also, I wrote this little part last, bc I just wanted to give fair warning that I went blind into a rage and wrote threethousand words about how much I hate John Kramer, full of very terrible language and spoilers for Saw 1-6, because I go that fucking feral at the sound of his name, and I can’t make everyone scroll past that so I’m putting most of it under the cut, but even if you decide you justifiably fear that rant and don’t read it, just know you are incredibly valid, and John can eat shit and die. Rant start:

John did that bullshit constantly! He would over and over put 1 (one) man he personally wanted to watch suffer on trial and sacrifice /scores/ of people for no reason. No trap, no way to escape, at someone else’s mercy completely or maybe with 0 chance even there bc JOHN KRAMER IS A SACK OF SHIT. 

He kills a house full of drug addicts in two, mostly just bc his wife worked w drug addicts and John hates drug addicts, and even though Amanda was in their literal exact same position she does jack shit to stop him and just watches people slowly have their organs deteriorate and start coughing up blood around her!! Including fucking Daniel! Who got an antidote but like, at the 11th hour. Do y’all even understand how biology works John and CO??? If you neutralize a poison after it has deteriorated parts of organs it might save your life but itS NOT A FUCKING HEALTH POTION. Poor Daniel Matthews probably will only live to be like forty tops if he’s super lucky because of that. And he did NOTHING!!! He had shoplifted bc he was going through a teen phase but he’s like sixteen! Everyone was dumb as shit as a teenager, and most people shoplift at some point in their life! It does not earn you slow deterioration of your organs! Poor kid not only watched a man burned to death in an oven, dude have his brains blown out, girl die of prolonged organ failure, and more shit, he himself /killed/ a man as a sixteen year old child to save Amanda Young because he’s got a good heart and is a good person, and that shit is awful! It’s traumatic to kill someone at any age, but as a teenager? And then he got knocked out by her and thrown in a tiny locked safe, tied up and gagged, and kept alive by an oxygen tank in an enclosed space after that massive trauma for or AT LEAST 24 HOURS ! He did NOTHING. It was all just a long-con sacrifice to get Eric Matthews to a specific location. Eric did some real shit, but god, even after everything Daniel did for Amanda and all John’s talk of innocents, neither of them ever even tell Eric he lived! Amanda just locks him up, fights, beats him to she thinks death, and then John keeps him locked up and isolated in a cell for months, only to make him choke himself slowly in a test he doesn’t actually get to participate in to keep a friend from being electrocuted. It’s all kinds of fucked.

Even Jeff did nothing worse than be depressed and obsessive and unavailable to his kid, all Lynn did was have a boyfriend after she and he separated (and tbh the only reason John took her was bc he wanted a doctor and hated her for being one of the docs who told him he had cancer bc John is a pettyass hypocritical stupid sack of shit!) I’m VIBRATING with hatred. Lynn was just a pawn in Amanda’s test! It never mattered if she kept John alive! It only mattered if Amanda decided to fucking shoot her!!! She did her task and died and JOHN KNEW THERE WAS A HIGH PROBABILITY AMANDA WOULD KILL HER AND DID NOTHING TO STOP IT BC JOHN CARES ABOUT NO ONE BUT HIMSELF THE FUCKING WORTHLESS LITTLE WORM. 

And the other victims in 3 are a poor college student who ran over someone on accident and feels massive guilt already and served jail time for it who gets his fucking limbs and then head all twisted off while begging for his life because JOHN KRAMER IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND SO IS JEFF TBH. BUT NOT AS BIG OF ONE. The poor girl who is stung up naked in a freezer and sprayed repeatedly with water till she is encased in ice and dead literally just saw the hit and run and ran away bc she was scared!!! Not to mention Jeff’s other kid who gets kidnapped and locked up as collateral! Even if she’s not hurt that’s FUCKING TRAUMATIZING FOR A YOUNG CHILD. And Allison Kerry did nothing wrong! Amanda kills her in the Angel trap literally just bc she’s investigating them! When he targets a detective John’s always like “Ho ho he, I am putting you on trial bc you are obsessed with your work”  LIKE, BITCH NO SHE FUCKIN AINT SHE DOIN HER GODDAMN JOB AND U DON”T WANT TO GET CAUGHT YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT JUST LOOKING AT YOUR FACE CAUSES ME TO PRODUCE SO MUCH EXCESS EPINEPHRINE I COULD BOTTLE IT AND SAVE IT FOR LATER. I swear to god, if I had a grenade and I was in the room trapped with a still breathing John Kramer, I would kill pull the pin and take us both! FUCK I would pull the pin and then french kiss the grenade as thanks for letting me see that sack of shit go right to hell!

I don’t remember all of four bc it was really terrible, so I don’t have a lot of thoughts there except woof, but there was a lot of bullshit. Like John’s lawyer who did nothing but try to talk to him about finances enough it pissed John off got kidnapped, won his first game, and then got kidnapped again BC THAT SHIT HEAD SURE NEVER KEEPS EVEN HIS OWN GODDAMNED WORD and was made pawn in the game and then shot bc he didn’t have a chance to save himsefl!!! 

In Saw one, also, again, Adam was never being tested. He was just a pawn too. It was Gordon who got to decide to kill him or not, and ADAM LIVED TO SIX OR WHENEVER THE FUCK THE TIME WAS AND JOHN STILL LEFT HIM TO DIE BECAUSE HE”S A HYPOCRITICAL PIECE OF SHIT!!!! And he’s not interesting enough for Johns MASSIVE brainshlong that obviously is so full of right ideas and enlightenment you MICROPENISEDtrulyIDIOTIC self-centered human garbage!  He only took Adam at all bc he was there! He said the reason was Adam was pathetic! ADAM WAS DOING HIS BEST YOU CRUSTY ASS RED ROBED TURTLE LOOKIN MOTHERFUCKER. He was a freelance photographer in New Jersey in his early 20s during an economic collapse, and still nice enough to be taking care of stray cats you FUCKING sack of dogshit! 

And Gordon? All he did was tell John he had cancer! He was cheating on his wife too, but like, the reason John picked him was that!!! HE THOUGHT!! GORDON SOUNDED TOO COLD WHEN HE TOLD HIM HE HAD CANCER I FUCKING HATE JOHN KRAMER SO MUCH. John Kramer really will see someone smile not as big a smile as he thought they should have given him and be like: “Yo, is anyone going to corkscrew their eyeballs off?” and not even wait for an answer. I fuuuuukning hate him. And that little shitface thought it was somehow chill to order someone else to kill Gordon’s wife and eight year old child who had done JACK SHIT wrong ever if Gordon wasn’t willing to brutally murder a kid in his early 20s who had done nothing wrong????! WHAT THE FUCK. Mr. KRamer.. QUICK QUESTION. WHAT. THE. FUCK. You self-righteous, self-centered, pretentious, pettyass, sadistic motherfucking goddamn worthless excuse for anything!

In five he’s finally dead so I can : ) once. BUT HE STILL FUCKS UP SHIT FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. SO I’m STILL MAD. All the people Hoffman kills are ppl John told him to, so HE STILL MOTHERFUKIN RESPONSIBLE. In 5 it’s a bunch of people responsible kind of for deaths of people in a low-income neighborhood. One guy was paid to torch an abandoned building, and eight people died in the fire, but he didn’t know anyone was there and feels terrible. He thought it was vacant, it was just arson. Another is a journalist who found out about the arson, and didn’t break the story bc guy 1’s father bribed him. There’s a fire inspector who learned the truth and was bribed by the guy’s dad not to tell too. A city planner who was bribed into selling permits for the land. And Brit, who was the girl who paid for the arson, bc she wanted to make an apartment complex, and maybe actually knew about the 8 people and might have deserved some real payback–it’s unclear???? Regardless. I want to add that the cops had been investigating, had a strong case, and were about to arrest them and hold these people accountable in a legal manner, which John knew bc HOFFMAN WAS IN HIS POCKET, and John so hated the idea of them facing justice justice, he kidnapped them. The fire inspector got dragged into saw blades by her throat and torn apart, the journalist died to a nail bomb, and the city planner got electrocuted in a bathtub. The two who made it had their arms split down the middle up to the elbow to let enough blood out to save them.  I cannot. Just.

Anyway. In six, again at DEAD JOHN WHO WON”T QUIT FUCKING EVERYTHING UP’s request, a ‘game’ is played and William Easton (one of my fave protagonists bc he’s a piece of shit but damn if he didn’t have a real glow up in forty-five minutes) is thrown into a hell circuit. 

And so, undeservingly, is like, EVERYONE he fucking knows! His janitor Hank is first up. Target for…what was it? OHhhhhh right. He smokes. That was why. That makes so much sense john I’m sorry I doubted you PSYCH I CAN"T EVEN SAY IT AS A JOKE I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE IN MY MOUTH JOHN QUICK Q? WHAT THE FUCK? oh wait it’s because your an ABSOLUTE BASTARD. You would think I would get desensitized but no. It just. It’s fuel on the flame of my rage.

William Easton and the janitor, Hank, are hooked into something that slowly tightens and crushes their ribs any time they take a breath, and whoever doesn’t die first gets to live, and poor goddamn Hank smoked so ofc he can’t outlast a healthy dude in his 30s and John crushes his ribs just to make William watch someone die. Then he makes William pick which of two people to save in trial 2. MEANING HE GODDAMN STRAIGHT UP KIDNAPPED THESE TWO TOTALLY FINE WITH EITHER DYING, IN FACT WITH THE SOUL PURPOSE BEING TO DIE bc who cares about them right John? You fucking pretentious self-righteous creep! I have a year of the Pig teddy bear I named after Peter Strahm JUST for the FUCKING satisfaction of knowing John would hate that bc he was so into year of the motherfucking pig. ANyway. Plot again. Poor file clerk at Williams firm and the poor secretary are the two targets, and literally they did jack shit!!! They work for shitty lawyers but all they do is clock in to a 9-5 and file shit!! They are literally just there to rub it in William’s face that insurance policies aren’t fair bc according to them, one of the humans is worth more than the other bc health and age, but uuuuh oohhh William the older one with health issues is p hard to kill face to face bc you know her and she has kids and the young healthy man in his early 20s family is dead and he doesn’t have friends which means according to John he is worth less bc JOHN DOES THINK YOU CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN LIVES and all of this is here just bc John somehow thought it would be fun to fucking WIN A GODDAMN “I’M RIGHT” ARGUMENT WITH A LAWYER at the expense of brutally hanging a human being with barbed wire!!! 

Sidebar–if John Kramer was a real human being, I would go yearly on a fucking pilgrimage to his grave just to SPIT on his stupid corpse. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. 

K so young man dies. Then test 3 his attorney dies too, I don’t know much about her, except she is just there to make William feel like shit and they were into each other, and she tries to kill William after he gets hurt trying to save her bc he has the key to her trap in his stomach or chest idr, but she doesn’t get the key in time and dies, and then test 4 he finds his associates strapped to a carousel with a shotgun that picks one at random and blows off their head, and has to let all but two of them get gunned down and choose which two not to kill. And again, they’re kind of shittyass lawyers, but uh. Yeah. To save two, he has to let this huge piece of metal rip through his hand, but William does it and destroys his hand to save the two he can, and suffers picking while they all beg him to pick them bc John wanted to see him suffer picking between human lives again because he’s a goddam self-centered stuck up jerk who vales human life less then admiring his ugly ass dick in the mirror every day and pretending he’s a member of Mensa, the evil utterly irredeemable sack of shit. Anyway, at the end, William has never had a chance to live or die at all! And John was literally just torturing him for fun and killed /all/ those people not even for a test for William but /solely/ to make him suffer bc human lives DON"T MATTER ONE FUCKING IOTA to JOHN SHITASS KRAMER. WHO JUST WANTED TO WIN. AN INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENT. POST-MORTEM. BECAUSE he’s THAT kind of shittyass, pretentious, sanctimonious, better than thou, always right, incapable of wrong, smartest fucking asshole in the room man!!! I bet he doesn’t ever wash his hands when he takes a piss! I KNOW IT! FUCK John Kramer! 

ANd OH! William gets killed by a kid who hates him bc he turned down their father’s insurance policy fraudulently, knowing he would die of an illness without the money. BC William was terrible. Which is /so/ great for that fucking teenager! Killing someone horribly with acid while you watch them die and their body be melted! And they beg you not to do it and apologize on the other side of bars, already beat to shit, and plead for forgiveness, and your mom begs you not to, and the dude’s sister sobs and begs you not to!!! SO GOOD! Way to go john you FUCKING CUNT, they definitely value their lives now you goddamn motherfucking souless sack of shit!

I-I don’t even have the energy to do the other Saw movies or go back over the other victims in Saw one WHO DID NOTHING WRONG. John just hated them!!! BC HIS WIFE KNEW THEM! In most cases! John just fucking hates drug addicts! OK u know what here’s the short version even if I can’t do them justice rn bc I’m pissed!!! One guy got sliced to death on razor wire for cutting when he was depressed bc John is a piece of shit, one got burned to death after walking on glass for hours bc John doesn’t believe in invisible illnesses and if you’re walking you must be healthy, oh yeah! And the fucking dude Amanda killed in her first trial was just a drug addict! Going to a recovery clinic! He never had a chance to live on his own bc the only choice was if Amanda would cut open his intestines and sift through him for a key while he was awake but too drugged to move or not, and she did! Didn’t even get to plead for his life! ANyway!!!! Fucking as far as I can tell all Zep did was work at the goddamn hospital! He WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO BE NICE TO JOHN and told other people he was a cool dude!!! He was just a janitor!!! WHAT THE FUCK???

I just. God. I hate everything about John Kramer. The way he talks makes me so LIVID I change color like a goddamned chameleon. He is so ready to argue his stupid shitty fucking ethics with anyone who breathes in a ten mile radius. Shithead John over here will strap you to a table and make you listen to him talk about how it’s not his fault he poisoned two people and gave them one antidote and a bunch of knives and one of them came out dead, and his hands are clean and people don’t value their lives so they should die while he watches eating fucking cereal I am just–I am so glad John has cancer? Like, the idea of Saw sans John having cancer is unbearable, because I am so afraid the writers would never let him die and we would never be free of the human cancer that is John. The only human being on the planet that has ever been able to make me root for the cancer. But boy in that one and only regard, John is special.

I hate him so much it is unbelievable. Like. I can’t even put it into words. THe pure, unbridled fury I feel when I hear John say, “D’oh ho ho, but I, with these two little handies of mine, hath never pulled the gun’s trigger! Got you there! Where is your science! Where is your god! I am no murderer! I heal people! By sawing off their faces! You just do not understand, oh poor unenlightened human that you are. May you be strapped to a machete car and blessed with my wisdom  😔” I absolutely lose control of 90% of normal human functionality, and all that I have left is righteous justice and bloodlust. It’s unbelievable.

Whichever one of you god-mode-brain peeps made that post saying Eric Matthews had the hardest test in the whole Saw franchise because he had to sit and listen to John Kramer talk for two hours was a GODDAMNED HERO and if you contact me and prove the tumblr account is yours I will paypal you ten dollars and a personalized note thanking you for the joy that gave me because I just really hate John Kramer that FUCKING MUCH. I would cut off my own toes to be able to have something to shove down John Kramer’s throat to make him stop. talking.

There are a lot of things in this world I hate bc I hate things that are unjust, but I hate absolutely nothing more in the universe than a villain who is a self-righteous, hypocritical asshole who won’t even admit that what they are doing is wrong and parades as the tragic genius hero despite knowing GODDAMN well that they are a petty, shitty, hypocritical, absolute fucking MONSTER with no redeemable qualities or capacity for love. And John Kramer is at least my second least favorite character in the history of ANYTHING. Maybe my first. I’m not even sure anymore! Nasty-ass, evil, pretentious, self-righteous, shortsighted, selfish, sadistic, voyeuristic, willfully ignorant, crusty ass useless soulless garbage little SHIT.

[camillemontespan]

hope you’re good up there [drake walker]

Just a one shot I thought up and broke my writing break to get this down. Now, writing break, re-commence!

Fluff, angst, fluff. Hope you enjoy. 

@jovialyouthmusic @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @pug-bitch @sirbeepsalot @moonlightgem7 @emceesynonymroll @burnsoslow @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @gardeningourmet  @katedrakeohd @be-still-my-aching-heart @rainbowsinthestorm @stopforamoment @dcbbw

****************************************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re going good up there. Bet in your heaven, you’ve got a glass of whiskey in your hand and you’ve got Clover at your feet. She was a good dog, wasn’t she? 

So, I’m back in Cordonia. College didn’t work out.. I know what you’re thinking, ‘what the hell, son?!’ 

I’m back because of Liam. He needs me. He was targeted in an assassination attempt and I was in a fucking lecture about economics. As soon as I heard, I packed my bags and now, here I am. 

I know you wanted me to forge my own path; get away from Cordonia and live life my way. But you can’t always get what you want, dad. Sure, it would have been nice to get a degree and an apartment and just be normal, but you know me and Li. We’re like brothers. I’m more of a brother to Liam than his own blood. When he feels pain, I feel pain. When he’s happy, I’m happy. It’s crazy. So I can’t leave him, I refuse to. He needs support and I’ll be damned if I go back to the states, back to college and find out that he’s gone while I’m learning about fucking economics. 

Sorry for the swearing. I’ll put a euro in the swear jar like mom always told us to do. Didn’t stop us though, did it?

             *****************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re doing good up there. You know how you used to say that the court is cruel and you have to look out for yourself? I get it now. As soon as the court found out I was back from college, they went back to treating me like the social pariah I had been when I was ten. Why are they all assholes, dad? Were they assholes with you? Did you ignore them? Did you put them in your place? 

I’m just going to keep to myself. I’ll stay in the shadows, I’ll drink their shitty wine while secretly I want a whiskey - I’ve started drinking whiskey because of you, I can see why you like it- and I’ll just treat them with the contempt that they treat me with. Why not, huh? Why should I go out of my way to be nice to them when they act like I’m the shit on their shoe?

Olivia and Madeleine are the worst. Since Madeleine got engaged to Leo, she’s been all high and mighty because she’s now the future queen. Fuck her. I know you hated her too, well guess what, she’s still the mean girl she’s always been. 

Olivia is still glued to Liam’s hip, laughing at his jokes and trying to get him to fall in love with her. It’s pathetic. Meanwhile, she keeps bringing up how I’m a commoner riding along on Liam’s coat tails. 

I hate this life, dad. I know I shouldn’t complain; I have my own room, I get free meals and I don’t want for anything. I just feel so out of place. I don’t belong here. I just wish I had someone here to tell me, ‘this is how your life should look.’ Why aren’t you here to do that? You were my compass, my one true north. I listened to everything you said, absorbing everything, so keen to be you. Well, tell me what to do. Please.

Sorry, that was a bit heavy. You’re probably sat in a chair right now with a whiskey and Clover, shaking your head, muttering, ‘Jesus, my son is a wuss.’ 

I’ll deal with it. 

       **************************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re doing good up there. So, Leo’s abdicated. I know, right? He just suddenly announced this morning at breakfast that he didn’t want to be king anymore. It was like word vomit, he just burst out saying it and everyone went quiet and stared at him. Liam was beside him and god, his face. He looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Liam’s next in line now. He doesn’t want to do it. He wanted to just be the spare but come on, you remember Leo right? Leo acted like the spare more than Liam did- he never acted like a king in waiting. He was always going out, getting drunk, cheating on Madeleine. If it wasn’t for the fact Liam now has to be the king in future, I’d say good riddance. Cordonia would have suffered under Leo’s rule.

I can hear you laughing by the way. I know, I’m so knowledgable about Cordonian affairs ha! Someone give me a microphone and a stage, I can sort this in seconds!

I’m obviously joking. Since I’m on the sidelines, I find that I watch everyone closely. I know everyone’s agenda and they aren’t aware of it; they forget I’m there. I’m in the shadows, like a ghost. 

Let me guess, you’re calling me Casper now.  You are, aren’t you? Fuck off, old man. You’re the one who’s dead.

Oops. Sorry. Bit harsh. Yeah, I’ll put a euro in the swear jar.

     *********************************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re doing good up there. Okay, so picture this for me, okay? You died before reality TV became big but there’s a show called The Bachelor and it involves a rich guy with all these women who are competing for his love. 

Sounds really sexist, doesn’t it? Really archaeic?

Yeah, well, Cordonia is holding a suitor competition to find Liam a wife. All the Duchesses are taking part. 

I can hear you laughing your head off. I know! How ridiculous! It’s such a fucking farce.

Sorry, swear jar.

Anyway, yeah. We’re in New York now, about to go out to this bar as part of Liam’s ‘bachelor party.’ He isn’t even married yet and he’s having a send off. Jesus. He’s begged us to take him somewhere normal where nobody knows who he is, which I get. 

I’ll get him drunk, don’t worry dad. 

   ********************************************************************************

Hey dad, hope you’re good up there. I know we spoke last night but I kinda need to talk again? Right, get a whiskey. 

Our waitress at the bar is coming to Cordonia to take part in the competition. 

A waitress. She’s not noble. 

Dad, she’s going to be eaten alive! I’m not noble either so I think I have the authority to say that she is going to be torn apart by these duchesses and she’s going to wish she never came. 

Her name’s Camille. Camille Montespan. French name but she’s from New York. She’s really pretty. Like, my type. Caramel skin, dark hair, these huge gorgeous brown eyes that have gold flecks in them like an owl. 

Fuck, stop laughing at me. 

Swear jar, got it. 

Anyway, she sat on the plane and she looked so calm about the whole thing? Like, ‘sure, I’ll get on a plane with these random guys to compete for a king’s hand in marriage! Spice it up a little!’

I didn’t talk to her. If she said anything to me, I’d look away or respond sarcastically. 

Why? Uh, because she’s fucking naive and doesn’t get how awful this is going to be. Also, looking at her is painful because I feel like she should be with me. 

Did I say that out loud? Fuck. 

Well, we’re both American. She’s beautiful. She’s fun, she is good conversation and I just think.. she’s the first normal person who I’ve come across in years. She’s not noble. She’s refreshing. Just would’ve been nice to get to know her, you know? But Liam’s got her now. He really liked her at the bar. He wouldn’t stop talking about her when we got back to the hotel and I stayed quiet. This is his competition, his girls. Fuck.

Four euro. Damn it, you’re really emptying my wallet, you know that right?

***********************************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re good up there. I can’t sleep. I may be a little drunk. I’ve started drinking whenever she appears in my dreams. Like, I dream we go on a date or we kiss or we get married or we have fucking babies, that kind of shit. Call them nightmares. They’re nightmares because my mind is taunting me, showing me what I’ll never have. 

I watch her dancing with Liam and I want to stab a fork into my eye. 

She’s always near me though. When Liam’s busy entertaining the other ladies, she is with me. We started talking more, joking and now we’ve got inside jokes. Fuck, inside jokes are what get you. I keep trying to push her away, call her by her last name so she can’t get close, but it doesn’t fucking work. She is too good, she keeps bringing down my walls and I try and build them back up. I know it’s not healthy to keep walls up but it’s the way I am now. Nobody can hurt you and the fact is, if I let my walls down for Camille, she will be chosen by Liam anyway and I’ll have hurt myself for no reason. 

So excuse me for not wanting to be all cosy with her. 

I need another whiskey. Yeah I know, swear jar, fucking got it. 

  ********************************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re good up there. So things have changed.. a lot. Um, so long story short, I may have kissed her in the Beaumont study and now we’ve been meeting up in secret and kissing some more and being all angsty and shit, but fuck, it’s so good? Yeah, I’m a little drunk again, you can’t judge, you loved a whiskey. 

We’ve danced together at the balls and I hold her close and pretend she’s mine. She smells like coconut; my own personal paradise. 

I found out today that this is 20 years since her parents died. She was in her room, drinking whiskey - I know, I taught her well- and she begged me to make her feel better. I know she wanted.. well.. you know. I kept trying to say no but she got more upset and eventually, I just gave in. 

She told me that I’m the only person in court who knows about her parents. She hasn’t even told Hana or Maxwell. I feel like I have to keep her safe. Keep her protected, keep her together. I want to be there for her. 

Cheers dad.

*******************************************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re good up there. So, the suitor competition is over. Camille.. Camille chose me. Liam proposed and she said no, she loved me. 

I can hear you celebrating, stop it. I’m a bad friend. 

Seriously, stop cheering, it’s fucking deafening. 

I am really happy though. She chose me. The woman I love - yeah, I love her- chose me. She was offered a life of luxury, diamonds and prestige and she chose me. 

I will never be good enough for her. I know I won’t. I keep thinking she’s going to turn around and tell me she made a mistake. But if she stays with me, I’ll never stop trying to prove my love for her. I am going to worship that woman and make her feel happy and safe. Us against the world. 

I’m really happy, dad. 

*******************************************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re good up there. Have you got a glass of whiskey to celebrate? Okay well, I’m married. 

I married Camille today. 

I know! I’m a married man!

We married at the ranch. The jetty by the lake. Where me and you used to set off fireworks on 4th July. That jetty. I married the love of my life on the jetty in front of all of our friends. 

She’s taken our last name. Camille Walker. 

I told her to keep Montespan for Duchess stuff -oh yeah, I’m a Duke now. She’s a Duchess. Stop laughing. Please stop laughing. Dad, stop it or I’m gonna come up there-

Fucks sake, anyway. She’s Camille Walker. She suits it. She was so happy when she started saying her new name, testing it out for fun, the Walker rolling off her tongue. 

You’d love her, dad. She’s got this throaty laugh and she’s just so kind and caring. She likes football, though she’s a Giants fan, and she has even gone camping with me and enjoyed it. 

I’m feeling good, like everything is falling into place.

 *********************************************************************************

Hey dad. Hope you’re good up there. So, I’m raising my glass to you right now to congratulate you on becoming a grandfather. Well done, you. 

Lily was born yesterday morning at 5am. Camille’s exhausted but she was such a trooper. Seriously dad, I’m not gonna complain about being kicked in the balls again. 

I have a daughter! She’s the miniature of Camille, she’s gorgeous. Downy dark hair, big brown eyes with the gold flecks. 

She’s got my smirk though. Sorry, our smirk. 

I’m happy but terrified. Actually terrified. What if I break her? What if she doesn’t sleep enough? Seriously, I sat up for three hours while she slept, just watching over her. I’m never gonna breathe easy again. 

I hope to be a dad like you were. You were caring, you were fun and you were brave. You showed us how to appreciate the simple things like campfires, smores, sunsets, all of the stuff that most people don’t bother with. I’m so glad you instilled that in me. I hope to pass it onto Lily. She’s half Walker- she needs to learn this stuff!

So yeah, just thought I’d check in and give you the good news. We’re home now and Lily’s sleeping, hopefully sleeping nice dreams and she’s all cosy and warm. 

I did it. I’ve found my place. It’s with my wife and daughter. Thank God, right? 

Hey, look at that. I didn’t swear. 

Check in with you soon, dad. Love you.

   ***************************************************************************

‘Drake?’

Drake whipped around to find Camille standing on at the door, watching him out on the balcony. She looked confused. ‘Were you talking to yourself?’

Drake chuckled, embarrassed. ‘Um.. talking out loud?’

Camille stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. ‘Trying to make sense of the world now you’re a daddy?’

‘Actually.. I was talking to my dad.’

He held his breath. He had never told anyone that sometimes, he liked to sit outside and talk openly up into the sky, pretending he was talking to his dad and that Jackson Walker himself was listening. 

Drake bit his lip. ‘It’s just something I do when I want to.. sort things out in my head. It helps. I know its stupid, I’ll stop-’

Camille placed her index finger on his lips. ‘Shut up, Drake,’ she said quietly. Her eyes glimmered with tears. ‘Don’t you dare stop talking to your father. He’ll be listening, trust me.’

‘Nah, he won’t. It’s just something I started doing after he died-’

‘Please, Drake,’ she whispered. ‘I love that you talk to your dad. Don’t stop doing it. He’s still part of you, okay? He lives on in your memories and when you talk to him, so don’t stop now because you feel embarrassed. Got it?’

Drake nodded mutely. Camille gave him a smile and kissed him softly. ‘Coming in to watch a film?’

Drake squeezed her hand. ‘Sure thing.’ 

Camille then threw her head back and hollered, ‘Hi Jackson!’ 

Drake let out a surprised laugh and shook his head when she looked at him, her eyes now dancing. ‘Come on, let’s snuggle up on the sofa,’ she said. ‘Lily’s asleep but she’ll be wanting my boobs in an hour, I bet. Still feels so weird!’

She took his hand and dragged him back into the manor. Drake cast one last look at the night sky and the stars twinkled above. 

[butcanijustnot]

Dating T’Challa would include:

Tagging @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69

(If you have a character you want to see written, or you want to be tagged, PM me and I’ll add it/you to the list.)

You met at the Wakandan outreach centre’s opening night as an American journalist covering the event. 

Everything there was so nice, pristine and pure and proper. Diplomats from across the world were crowded in the large ballroom, wearing fine clothes and expensive jewellery, drinking expensive wine and laughing politely at one another. It was very hoity-toity, and very not you.

You were a total fish out of the water. You were a total misfit. You were, well, a reporter, and judging by the harsh glares the diplomats were giving you, they knew it.

You had given up on trying to talk to anyone a long time ago, and left annoying the king’s guard, wakandan security teams and anyone else who looked vaguely important to the other reporters. Instead, you snuck down a corridor and found yourself in the museum area of the Outreach Centre. It was empty, and part of you knew you probably shouldn’t be there, but it was so beautiful and you couldn’t bring yourself to tear away and go back to that loud room full of stuck-up people.

Glass cases lined every wall displaying Wakandan artefacts. You loved all of it, becoming more entranced by the second. In fact, at one point, you completely blocked out everything around you and just walked the room, reading and rereading every tablet, every piece of information. It startled you, and it excited you.

This was new and amazing and incredible. You blocked out the outside world so much that you didn't hear voice calling out your name until someone placed a hand on your shoulder. Instantly, you snapped back into reality, pulling away and shrieking like a banshee. It was not a particularly lady-like sound. You turned to face your attacker, ready to throw a mediocre-at-best punch or swear up a god-damn storm, and found the beautiful chocolate brown eyes of the king of Wakanda himself staring back at you.

OH SHIT.

You quickly tried to regain your composure. "Your majesty, I'm so sorry. I know I’m not supposed to be here. I just..." You mumbled, looking down at the ground, embarrassment evident in the blush on your your cheeks. "I'll leave..." You said, moving to his left. He softly grabbed your arm, stopping you. 

"Don't be absurd, it was my fault. I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that. Didn't you hear my approach? I called your name." He paused. "You are Y/N, correct?" He asked.

Holy shit, he knows your name. The king of Wakanda knows your name. for a moment, you hated yourself for taking up precious brain space in his gorgeous mind. 

Wait, what?

You shook your head, trying to gather yourself and not appear like a total idiot. "Yes, I'm Y/N." You said, holding out your hand for him to shake. You got a pleasant surprise when he raised it to his lips and kissed the back sweetly. You could feel your cheeks reddening and butterflies taking flight in your stomach.

"Thank you." You said, subconsciously rubbing the back of your hand with your thumb where he had kissed. You looked around nervously at the empty room, which seemed much smaller now he was here. “If you don’t mind me asking, how do you know my name?“

“I memorised the list of journalists we invited, in case we have a issue with any of them.” His face darkened for a second and your mind flashed back to the reporters flocking around his sister like pigeons, asking her a thousand stupid questions, and her overwhelmed and slightly scared expression.

“I’m sorry about that... About them. This is a special occasion and a beautiful gala, and you shouldn’t have to put up with them.“ You said, following his distant gaze. 

”Speaking of which, you don’t seem to be enjoying yourself? What brought you here?" He asked, walking around a glass case of tribal masks.

"I'm an international reporter- or, at least, I'm trying to be- My paper keeps trying to clip my wings, making me do those stupid little buzzword Facebook articles with no real journalism, just pandering to an aisle for click-bait." You groan sadly, thinking about your seemingly dead-in-the-water-career.

T'Challa spoke thirty different languages, and yet somehow he only understood half of the words in that sentence.

"So I gotta make this article good, you know? Not that that will be difficult, this place is amazing!" your entire tone shifted as you fangirled relentlessly. "I mean, look at this!" you said, gesturing to the cabinets with a childish sense of awe and wonder. You pointed to your favourite things, asking questions and rambling facts about African life that you knew like an overactive toddler. You couldn't help yourself. You were so interested in this stuff.

He smiled. You were making an absolute idiot of yourself but damned if you weren't also absolutely adorable.

You were there for about half an hour, just talking about your respective lives. He told you about Wakanda and the lives of his people and you told him all about America and the way thinks happened here. Eventually one of his guards came in and guided him back to the gala, but before he left he gave you a number on a napkin.

“If you’d like, you can interview me one-on-one sometime. You know, for your article.” 

“Yes, I love that.“ You paused, pursing your lips into a subtle smirk. “Do you give this opportunity to all the journalists you invite to events?“

He chuckled and shook his head. “No, this is just for you. You're special.” He said, throwing a subtle wink at you that made your heart leap up into your mouth. Then his guard whisked him away and he was gone, and you were left alone in that museum. 

One date turned into two dates and then five and then ten and then, in the blink of an eye, before you could even properly process it, you were dating the king of Wakanda. 

He works a lot, and obviously lives in Wakanda while your career keeps you solidly in America, so Skype dates are a big thing in your relationship. 

At the start of your relationship, he wasn’t that into public displays of affection, and you’re both able to keep your relationship secret for a few months before word slips out and you two make the decision to go public. 

Once you’re revealed as T’Challa’s partner, your career did a MASSIVE 360 and skyrocketed upwards. Every magazine, newspaper and TV show wanted a piece of you, or rather a piece of T’Challa they though that they could get through you. 

You’re far too smart for that though, and you never give it to them.

 After your relationship went public, he became slightly more affectionate, holding your hand as you two walked and pressing kisses to your hairline when he knows there’s a camera watching. 

He keeps the photos every time.

He takes you to fancy events whenever he’s in America, charity galas or state dinners, and when he does he shows a side to him that you very rarely see. The possessive side. 

He keeps one arm around your waist practically the whole time you’re there. He looks at you like you’re made up of stars, so beautiful that he couldn’t look away. 

This bastard has NO CLUE the value of money. He’s INSANELY rich and he’s been catered too by a horde of people basically his entire life, so he has an understandable distance from the value of currency. So naturally, he showers you with affection economically.

These aren’t small gifts either. For your two month anniversary, he sent you traditional Wakandan jewellery laced with vibranium and precious stones. For your six month anniversary, he bought you a solid gold rose worth more than your car. For your birthday, he paid off the mortgage debt on your apartment. 

And for your one year anniversary, he took you to Wakanda.  

Wakanda is the most beautiful place you have ever had the honour of seeing. You loved the forests and the rivers, and the clothing and the beautiful foods. You wanted to explore every inch of this beautiful plain. 

Standing on his balcony, overlooking the bustling heart of Wakanda, you turned to him, smirking. “Do you give this opportunity to all the journalists that come your way?”

T’Challa chuckled, threading his arms around your shoulders to pull you close to his chest. “No, this is just for you. You're special.“

The Wakandan people aren’t quick to trust you. Shuri and Ramonda are kind to you but you get the sense that they don’t trust you just yet. You understand. You’re not from around here, and you know they need time and you need to prove yourself worthy of there trust. 

The Dora are similar but they honestly scare you a little bit. You know that they are kind women and they don’t mean to be so intimidating towards you but there weaponry knowledge and cold demeanours makes it hard.  

You know you’re not universally accepted, but you don’t really mind. 

You are so unbelievably in love with him, and he loves you right back. 

[razieltwelve]

Modernity (RWBY AU Snippet)

Weiss was reading through some research papers when she felt a change in the air. It was a courtesy. Her visitor could very easily have arrived without being noticed. However, Weiss had made her preferences clear. She did not like being surprised while she was in her apartment.

“Working on your thesis?”

Weiss relaxed as Death leaned over her shoulder. “As a matter of fact, I am. I want to be sure that I’ve covered all of the relevant theory, so I’m reviewing some of the more obscure research papers in the area.”

“I remember him.” Death rested her chin on Weiss’s shoulder and pointed at the screen. “He always used to leave cookies out for me.”

“You’re telling me that one of the most brilliant but controversial economists in history used to leave cookies out for you?” Weiss raised one eyebrow. “Really?”

“Well, he did almost die when he was a child.” Death kissed Weiss on the cheek. “He fell through some ice when he was seven. I might have given him a warning before hauling him out of the lake and onto dry land. I suppose it was his way of saying thanks.”

“Interesting.” Weiss scrubbed at her face. She’d been staring at a computer screen for too long. “Do you think you could proofread my newest chapter later?”

“You’re asking me, Death, one of the mightiest of the gods to proofread your thesis?” 

Weiss grinned impishly. “Are you saying you can’t do it?”

Death grinned back. “Of course, I can. I’m Death. I can do just about anything. However, I will need a suitable reward.”

“I’ll give you a cookie.”

“Hmmm…” Death rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “I’ll need something a little better than a cookie.”

“How about two?”

Death’s grin widened. “Oh, you can do much better.” She waggled her eyebrow suggestively. “You can clear your schedule for next weekend…”

Weiss’s cheeks flushed. “You’re incorrigible.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is insatiable.” Death chuckled. 

Weiss looked away. “You know, people on the InfoNet would never believe you’re like this.”

“Oh?” The InfoNet was one of humanity’s more amusing inventions, and Death and the other gods were some of the most popular topics. It was only natural since they were beings of nigh-limitless power. Of course, some gods were more popular than others. Death was, by virtue of her duties, one of the most frequently discussed gods on the InfoNet. Whether it was wondering how to avoid her or how to curry her favour, mortals the world over wanted to know more about her. “And what do they say about me?”

“As if you don’t know.”

Death did know. Her eyes saw everything, and that included the InfoNet. It did help that Zwei was a big fan of the InfoNet too, and he had developed a liking for funny pet videos. “Humour me.”

Weiss rolled her eyes. “Apparently, you’re this awesomely mysterious and remote deity, one far removed from the trials and tribulations of us lesser beings. You are silent and deadly, and you carry yourself with a sort of dark splendour, your every move crafted to strike terror into the hearts of mortals before you tear their souls out of their bodies.”

“Huh…” Death snickered. “That’s pretty much what people have been saying about me since, well, the beginning of Creation.” She struck a pose. “What do you think? Do I look suitably evil?”

“Stop being a dork.” Weiss got up and reached for a cushion to throw at Death. “I swear, people would be less scared of you if they could bring themselves to believe that you’re actually a cookie-addict with a love of strawberries, cheesy romance novels, and scythes.” She paused. “Actually, the scythe thing probably wouldn’t help.”

Death sighed. “You know, Weiss, you used to look at me with such awe.”

“I was ten when we first met,” Weiss pointed out. “And it was hard to look at you with awe when I caught you stealing cookies out of my pantry.”

“In fairness,” Death replied. “Those were good cookies.”

“You’re a god! Why would you even have to steal cookies?”

“Because I wanted to.” Death chuckled. “And because you’re cute when you’re mad.” She ducked out of the way as Weiss threw a cushion at her. “Like right now.” She winked. “Super cute.”

Weiss blushed. “I’m supposed to be working.”

“You’re too tired to work properly.” Death offered her hand. “Come on. We can go get something to eat. My treat.”

“Please, tell me that you brought normal money this time.” Weiss shuddered. “If you try to pay with gold again…”

“I brought normal money,” Death replied.

“And don’t forget to cloak your presence too.” Weiss scowled. “We almost got mobbed by… by those… those… groupies last time!”

Death snickered. It was well known that the gods could select Chosen. These Chosen received a host of benefits. As a result, whenever gods happened to walk the mortal world, it wasn’t long before they were accosted by mortals keen to become one of their Chosen. Ruby had precisely one Chosen: Weiss.

“Don’t worry,” Death said. “I’ll cloak my presence.” She vanished from Weiss’s sight. “See.”

“Not that much, you dork. Eating dinner with an invisible person would be weird.”

“Heh.” Death faded back into view, and there was something… less about her. Oh, she would definitely draw attention. Even when they disguised themselves, the gods were still remarkable, but she would no longer be identifiable as a god with just a glance. “What do you think?”

“That’s the sweater I got you last year,” Weiss murmured. “You kept it.”

“Well, yeah.” Death shrugged. “I mean… it’s not like I can get cold, but you did give it to me, and it’s not like I can wear my usual clothes when we go out.”

Weiss bit back a smile. Death’s normal clothing tended to made up of divine materials that were either the colour of freshly spilt blood or blacker than the dead of night. To say that she stood out would have been a tremendous understatement. Quite possibly the only god who would have stood out more was Nora who was literally cloaked in a lightning storm when she appeared in her divine form. “That’s better.” She paused. “And will Zwei be joining us?”

At the mention of his name, the divine beast appeared out of thin air. He nudged Weiss’s leg, and she dutifully picked him up. For a divine beast of virtually limitless power, he could be exceptionally lazy. Whenever he wasn’t napping on her lap, he usually liked to be carried around.

“You should walk more,” Death said, poking Zwei gently in the side. “Or you’re going to get fat.”

Zwei just grinned. 

“Yeah, yeah. I know you can’t actually get fat, but you know what I mean. Asking Weiss to carry you everywhere is just lazy.”

Zwei continued to grin.

“All right,” Weiss said. “Let’s go. We can eat at that restaurant on the corner.”

“The one with the pizza?” Death smiled. “I knew the owner’s grandfather. He was the one who founded the place. The only thing he asked me when I came to claim his soul was whether he could be reborn as a pizza maker again because he still had some ideas he wanted to try.”

X     X     X

Author’s Notes

This is set in a modern world much like our own, but with a few key differences. First and foremost, the gods are real, and they appear in the mortal world on a regular basis. As you can imagine, that makes them the world’s biggest celebrities. As for why the gods appear, it’s largely because someone has to deal with the things that slip through the barrier around the mortal world. Whether its demons, eldritch abominations, or just random monsters, the mortal world does need help from time to time.

As one of the mightiest of the gods, Death is also one of the most famous. Weiss is currently doing a PhD in economics, which Death occasionally helps her with since her many, many, many, many years of existence have given her expertise in a  range of different areas. As for Zwei, he’s still doing Zwei things although he does make regular appearances at his temples to confer blessing of good luck, happiness, and loyalty to dogs and their owners. After all, he is the Lord of Corgis, as well as one of several divine beasts that presides over dogs more generally.

You can find me on fanfiction.net, AO3, and Amazon.

[themalhambird]

Magic AU -- Robert can do magic and he miiiiight have accidentally put Richard under a spell when they first met. Whoops.

“OXFORD!”

Burley’s enraged roar is followed in a split second by the man himself storming in to Robert’s chamber. Robert stops pacing and  turns to stare at him, gripping the window ledge for support. 

“The King?” he asks weakly. This is all his fault. He had all but encouraged Richard in his determination to talk to the revolting- if they had only let him go with him then maybe-

“The King,” Burley growled. “Is fine. Someone threw a brick at his head-”

“Oh dear Jesu it didn’t-”

“It exploded.” Burley snaps. 

“It- what?” 

“Exploded. Mid air. About half a metre from Richard’s face. Spooked the damn horse, which could have been a disaster if the King couldn’t-”

He breaks off and scowls at Robert, who can fill in the end of the sentence perfectly well on his own. Talk to Animals, was what Burley meant to say but didn’t dare risk doing so outside. Powerful magic, to be sure. But Woman’s magic, traditionally speaking. Burley and the Princess of Wales had decided long ago that it would be better for everyone if the Court were simply left to assume Richard had no magic at all.

Robert wonders if Simon knows that Richard’s powers are growing. That when he’s happy, flowers spring up even in winter, and when he’s furious a winter wind whips up in mid June and tears the green leaves and the blossom off trees. 

None of this is the point.

The point is that a brick exploded mid air, and there’s no way Richard could have done it himself. 

“Protection spell?” he suggests. “York, perhaps?”“Oh, York does a nice line in protection wards,” Burley agrees. He still looks furious and Robert can’t figure out why. It’s like he thinks this is all Robert’s fault, somehow, which...technically, from a certain point of view it might be but Richard is Richard. He wanted to talk to the peasants and he’d have found a way to do so whether Robert had thought it was a good idea or not. And anyway, Burley had agreed to- “they’re subtle,” Burley continues, and Robert wonders what’s subtle until he realises that Burley is still talking about the Duke of York. “So subtle you’d barely realise they were there. Lucky escapes. Someone’s aim just a little too off to make contact. Not PROJECTILES EXPLODING IN MID-AIR! Now, Lancaster,” he says, and the look he’s giving Robert makes Robert want to crawl in to a hole and die. And he still doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to have done wrong. “Lancaster is an economical man. Throw something at one of his wards, and it won’t just bounce off- it will charge straight back at you. Again, you notice the lack of explosions.”

“Sir Simon, I really don’t see what any of this has to do with me.” Robert is growing impatient, now- Richard might be in shock, he might need comforting, Robert wants to go to him. He straightens and adjusts his clothes. “So if you don’t mind-”

“Sit down!” Simon thunders. 

Robert sits. He doesn’t really have much of a choice in the matter, his legs are no longer obeying his brain- or rather, his brain is no longer obeying his thoughts. 

Well, he thinks, amused despite himself- Burley always did have a knack at persuasion.

“Lady Joan,” Burley says, voice soft as the rumble of only-currently distant thunder. “knows a trick or two for tracing the origins of spells. This one, we traced back to you. Now, not that we aren’t grateful the King was protected today, but no one knew you could do magic, not even the king who you are oh so close to, and  - as you are doubtless aware- this spell lay dormant and undetected on Richard for years, during which you told nobody it was there so I am going to give you one chance to come clean now. What else have you done to him?  We’ll get it all sorted and nobody needs to know but if , after this, anything- anything else  at all- is found on my King with your mark I will execute you for high treason myself, I don’t care what your intentions were-”

“But I didn’t!” Robert says, stunned and going cold all over. He hastens over to Burley and falls to  his knees at the knight’s feet. “I swear to you,” he says, looking up in earnest. “There’s been some mistake. I can’t do magic, I wouldn’t know where to begin with something as complicated as a protection spell-” he’d looked up some the theory behind it all, once. It had made his head hurt worse than drinking thirty casks of French wine in one night. “I swear,” he says again. “I’ve never- I mean, the closest thing I’ve ever done is-” he breaks off as a long buried memory rises to the forefront of his mind. “But that’s not possible,” he whispers. “It’s just- superstition. Old Wives’ Tales.”“Old Wives,” Burley says gravely, “Tend to have a lot of wisdom. What did you do, Robert?” he kneels down, taking Robert’s hand and gripping it tight. His anger seems to have dissipated, but the urgency is still there, and Robert understands why. To cast a spell on the King of England without telling him of your intentions is high treason, no matter the kind of spell it is. “When we met,” Robert whispers. His mouth is dry, he tries to swallow and finds it just makes him feel sick. “I just, it was only-”

“Only what?”

“A rune. The sign against evil - it he was so small, Simon, and already our King, I just...I drew the sign against evil with my thumb when I took his hand. To kiss his ring.” He stares at Burley, uncomprehending. “The Princess must be mistaken. That can’t be it, it can’t.”

“I’ll do some research,” Simon says, standing. He raises Robert to his feet at the same time. “But Joan- the Princess of Wales- has never been mistaken in these matters, all the times I’ve known her. Nor has Lancaster, who will be back soon God Willing- perhaps he’ll be able to help unravel-”

“Me?” Robert says gloomily. “If he thinks I’ve enchanted his nephew, he’s going to find a spell that unravels me inch by inch until I’m just one long string of very dead...me.”

“Ah, but then his nephew would be sad, and he does care about that, however much he might like to pretend otherwise. Go on.” Simon steps back and jerks his head at the door. “Richard’s been asking for you. He’s worn out, I think, all the excitement, he’ll probably want someone to lie down with him so he can sleep.”

“Does he know-?”

“No. And don’t tell him. And don’t draw any more runes on him, not until we’ve figured out what this.” 

Robert nods, though he only intends to obey half of Simon’s order. No more runes. But if Robert has somehow managed to put a spell on him, then Richard deserves to know, just in case- just in case...

Robert squares his shoulders and heads for the door, heart pounding in his chest but resolve quite firm. If Richard wants to send him away then so be it, but Robert won't lie to him, or hide things from him.

Not ever. 

[hozukitofu]

the kids are doing espionage

He would like to preface everything by a singly stated -

It was Qing's idea.

He is only a simple tech boy, a robotic engineering undergrad, someone who just wants to corrupt enough of the capitalistic system and its funds to fund his recycling robot, to delete the littering problems around campus.

The facts that he happens to know like one bad form of martial arts and by virtue of being a robotics student, great with tools and improvised weapon creation, are irrelevant. Besides the point.

But Qing is deep down, within that core of his questionably existing heart, an opportunist - an investor of assets. She sees potential, she invests in it. That's always how it goes.

Zizhen is eating, simply existing, thinking about robots and redeeming himself at a round of chess with uncle Shao when Qing barges into his absolutely mundane life, waving a USB stick in front of his nose, crowing about how she cracked the capitalism code.

Normally he would care.

"That's great, cool, jie, but -" he doesn't even have time to bat the excited blonde away before a proposition is coerced into his food.

"You! Wanna be an anti-government agent?"

Zizhen almost drops his fork.

"I'm sorry," he blinks, not even bothering with his food any longer because his appetite had taken a nose dive out the processing plants by the back of the college. "What. Did you just say?"

Qing was going to elaborate, but he doesn't let her.

"No, it was rhetorical - jie! I'm not becoming your agent for hire! I'm too soft for killing people!" He denies, vehemently, because look at him! He wears clothes that have to oblige by fluffy and big standard, and his hair cannot be let loose outside of the house if it isn’t wavy and bouncy. 

Doctor Wei calls him marshmallow unironically, on top of Romantic Guy, with debatable nuances under the friendly moniker because that’s his life goal, to be as soft and sweet as humanly possible. He is only someone who strives to dismantle the system in the ways he clumsily knows how to, but he always goes back to helping people at the end of the day. 

Becoming a hitman for hire is never something he would consider, or ever would. 

Qing badgered and wheedled, bombarded him with the benefits, the sheer overwhelming scale of everything good and pure tipping and burying onto his side of the balancing plates, to which he avoids, like one would, if a pack of mosquitoes with malaria starts heading your way. He had blended into the crowd. Worn disguises to avoid this woman's hawkish eyesight. Climbed out a window to avoid persecution and inevitable screeching. Legitimately broke into a dead sprint across the canteen as soon as he spotted Song-Xiao Qing looking for him.

One of these days she will catch up to him, and she will skin him alive, but not today. He weaves around busy college students arriving and leaving their lecture halls, his long arms tucked closely to his chest so that nobody snags them off him. It is a laborious chase that she incurred onto his person, and he dreads the reality where she finally hacks into a computer somewhere and puts a tracker onto him so that she can be two steps ahead of him and then she can beat him into the ground on the basis of him avoiding her like she will personally break all of his robots inside and out.

"Ouyang Zizhen!" He hears a death roar, and runs faster.

Gotta put that threefold authentication code into all of his login devices so that the two steps pre-planning stage doesn't happen. Yes. But run first.

-

He’s fallen asleep across a horizontal surface - he’s pretty sure that this is the first horizontal surface his eyes park on and his brain immediately decreed that We’re napping. Now. ASAP pronto LOL.

He comes back to the world of living when he is toed awake by a person, voice vaguely threatening and familiar to his ears -

“Ouyang. Ouyang.”

“Noo,” he whines, thinking it to be his father. “Dad I have the day off.”

“Zizhen. You will wake up or I will walk all over your face. Your choice, sweet guy.”

He sits up, immediately awake.

Look, he’s a coward. He has high sensors in-built to detect approaching danger to his person. It’s how he made it beyond high school to go where he does now. It’s nothing to be proud of - surviving, just barely, in this cutthroat world is a goddamn miracle, if he has to say so himself. So what if he’s a coward. He’s still alive. That’s what matters.

Also he has a feeling that if he had keep on sleeping, he will open his eyes in the next life, as a bug. Because he had been horrifically murdered in this life and that death was so bad that a bug’s body is the only viable and painless reincarnation the gods deem fitting for little poor him.

“I’m up,” he wheezes, vertigo slamming onto his head. “I’m physically with you but my brain had just taken a holiday. Please allow it some time to return.”

“I don’t need your brain for this,” Qing beams at him, mouth spreading in a Joker-ish feral look. “I’ve got a favour to ask.”

I’ve got a favour to ask sounds exactly like those questions that ask you for something but if you deny, you will die on sight. 

The way his upperclassman is smiling at him gives him all the answers he has. 

“What,” he grouses, mouth twisting, pulling his hoodie even more over his forehead and eyes, covering the majority of his freckles. They’re still here despite the lack of hours he spends in active avoidance of the sun and the majority of this goddamn school hates the sight of freckles like they’re something contagious so his instincts mostly had been ‘cover up’.

“Someone took something from me and I need a boy to get it back for Yours Truly,” she smiles, still feral and not the least friendly.

He squints suspiciously at her. “Why a boy. Is this hard even for you, lawbreaker extraordinaire?”

“I need a boy, you stupid robot builder,” she rolls her eyes, throwing a hairband onto the table in front of him. “Because someone from Gusu took my things and on virtue of me being a woman, I can’t enter without the security shooting me on sight.”

He groans out loud and slumps even further onto the table, hoping to become one with the recycled plastic. 

“I don’t even go there. They’ll shoot me on sight too. They have stun guns -”

She cuts him up, retying her space buns. He lets out a huff of hysterical air and rethinks back to every wrong decision he had ever taken in this life. 

“Which they’re not allowed to use on trespassers, chill. Listen, how you get it isn’t my problem. Get me the thing and I’ll squander all the favours you owe me.”

This sparks his interest. A-Qing is stingy. The stingiest person he has the misfortune of ever running across. She studies economics. She lives on cash alone. Just. Cash. She hoards money and favours and then harvests them like produce of her questionable farm.

Ouyang Zizhen owes Qing a lot of money for the completion of his robotics projects and the launch of his career as a junior lab assistant to the research team of the mechanical engineering department. She did all that, knowing that her investments were wise, and she constantly lords the favour over his head.

It sounds great, to get rid of one Song-Xiao Qing infinitely, but he can’t help but wonder if the catch, beyond You’ll die if you trespass Gusu like the absolute moron that you are. This sounds like it’s much more than just a suicide run. It sounds more like...a test? Of sorts? 

“All the favours?” He looks up, hood slipping, his freckles all in glorious sight and judging his upperclassman. “Are you sure?”

Qing-jie grins at him, looking every bit like the crook she is. “Are you?” 

“Heck, yes, why do you even ask. But I feel like you’re betting too much on this. How do you know if I’ll come back for you to squander all your favours for me? Seems fishy.”

“You’ll come back,” she waves him away. “I wouldn’t swear on it if I’m not sure. So, what of it, marshmallow? You want in?”

He can’t say no anyways. “You know I can’t say no,” he scowls, and refuses to shake her hand. “If I don’t come back, tell my father to take all my robots. And burn me paper money.”

Qing cackles right at his face. “You’re exaggerating, kid. It’ll be fine. I swear on it.”

“Your words are all lies anyways! Shut up!”

-

Research on how to get into Gusu? Actually kinda fun.

Actually sneaking into Gusu unscathed? Less fun. Bordering on traumatic.

Technically he knows the blueprints. Technically he knows that the scanning gates at the southern entry can fit an entire person if they just, like, lie down and limbo through the gaps of the plastic closing gates. Technically eight twenty-seven in the night is the time gap that he can safely limbo through without getting zapped by a stun gun. Technically from here he can just jog to the international student’s dorm and scale to the second floor, open the window fourth from the right, slide in, get the thing from under the desk, get out the way he did before, go home, change his name, get plastic surgery, genetically rewrite his fingerprints and DNA makeup, move back to Baling, call it quits.

Technically he knows all of this, but he had just slid through a scanning gate and his heart is trying to punch out of his own ribs. He’s wheezing as if he climbed up a mountain twice for no reason at all. None of this makes sense. Why is he here. He should go home. There’s still time. Father will be tired and disappointed but when is he not. 

No, his brain, traitorous, but also wanting to get rid of the human leech Song-Xiao Qing, mutters. No we will get back that bundle for Her Highness and then leave her presence indefinitely. That’s what we’ll do. 

He swings his feet, nothing short of Spiderman, into the intended room, huffing as it wastes him no effort. 

Too easy. Smells exactly like a trap.

It’s nearly curfew, except that people haven’t been rushing back through the easy way in, because he saw people coming out and they pretended to not see him as he came in. Are they stupid. Are they not going to come back for roll call and suffer the wrath of Lan Qiren? Or worse, He Who Must Not Be Named.

He reaches for the bundle, stuffs it under his hoodie, and prepares for take off, when a door swing open and someone walks in, without turning the lights on. 

His danger alarms not only went off, but into overtime and exhaustive underpaid labour. 

“Ouyang?” He hears, hissed in the dark. 

He should have covered his face, because wow he didn’t think he was that popular outside of his own robotics class for setting off that fire alarm back in first year. But. He is digressing from this imminent danger! This voice. That sounds distinctly similar.

“Do we know each other?” He hisses, crouching back in a Spongebob stance, eyes narrowed at the boy in the cats-covered face mask. He can’t make a run for it here but he can try for the knee caps. 

“Yes. Oh my god, yes,” the person pulls his face mask down and lo and behold, it’s -

“Lan? Lan Jingyi?” He gapes, while sidestepping a stray tennis ball lobbing at his head. “Why are you here?” 

Jingyi shoots back at him - “I go here. Why are you here?”

He throws up one hand, the other preoccupied with the bundle - “Qing-jie!”

“Bad answer, but expected,” Jingyi tuts his tongue, and shoves him out of the way. “You don’t seem the type to engage in trespass and theft.”

“Ha ha, pot calling the kettle black,” he sneers back, tracing back his steps. “Why are you here here. I know you go here, but this isn’t your room. Or anyone else’s room that you are affiliated with. It’s the international student wing. You never answered my question.”

He would not receive any answers because there are footsteps, grave and reverent footsteps, that bring pandemonium outside the corridor and Jingyi, not even thinking twice, shoves him into a wardrobe, finger on his lips.

“Quiet,” the boy hisses. “And when he’s gone, you can scram.”

Zizhen thinks that is the end of it, but somehow his bundle! Had gone missing from under his hoodie! When! And how!

“Lan, give that back!” He hisses, almost lunging and falling out of the closet. Jingyi shushes him even louder, forcing the doors to close in on his nose and shoes.

He grabs onto a wrist, clinging onto the arm stubbornly. Jingyi jostles his shoulder violently like he’s got himself a human-sized limpet that won’t let go and he elects to kicking it back to the depth of the closet, telling him to ‘stay put, come on, don’t make this harder for us’.

Zizhen is shoved back into the darkness of a small enclosed space with hangers falling onto his head and clothes dropping onto his shoulders. The tracking sticker he placed on his fingertip had migrated from him to the inside of Lan Jingyi’s hoodie. Now he waits.

There is a polite knock - because that’s Lans for you, polite even in walking and knocking. 

Jingyi answers the door with a soft - “Hello, uncle.”

For a moment Zizhen thought he actually screwed up and somehow stumbled head first into Lan Qiren of all people on the night he attempted trespass and theft, but he listens some more, waiting for the dulcet tones of disapproval that the Lan Headmaster is so famed for dishing out at his relatives slash pupils.

“Jingyi,” he hears, and. Well.

This is worse than Lan Qiren. Somehow he had messed up even worse than Lan Qiren.

Lan Wangji, the Hanguang-Jun, is in the same room as him. The professor reliable for dishing out punishments at Gusu. The resting disappointed man. Doctor Wei’s long-term crush and object of pursuit. He’s caught. He’s gone. They’re going to string his corpse like a disappointing sight from here so that all across the country, people can see what happens when idiot college boys who sneak into prestigious Gusu get as a punishment. 

He is suddenly religious. He asks for protection from the Buddha to the corner ghost to the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. 

“I suggest you return to your own dorm,” Lan Wangji gravely - and flatly - informs Lan Jingyi. “Unless you want to introduce me to your friend?”

Lan Jingyi, for someone doing a theatre degree, is woefully awful at lying. He starts laughing hysterically and like a bloody hyena under noise suppression and the target of at least twenty stun guns and he’s lost all sense of control so now his fight or flight response is to laugh. 

Ouyang Zizhen regrets not leaving his father with a dying letter. It’ll be awful and humiliating to find him as a human flag on the top of Gusu’s flagpole. 

“What friend, Uncle Wangji? It’s only me here!” Jingyi hacks out hysterically, as footsteps start heading his way, purposeful and brisk.

There goes living through tonight then. 

“Hmn, what’s in the closet, Jingyi?” Hanguang-Jun asks, as the doors of the wardrobe rattle and -

promptly stop. 

Jingyi, because he’s panicking and somehow is still the greatest and most shocking improvised line under possibly murderous circumstances, blurts out, completely and utterly from nowhere.

“That closet is fine. It has no one in it! Well, not me anymore!”

Zizhen can barely swallow down the wheeze that tries to climb its way out of his nose because what. 

To his credit though, Lan Wangji stops his advance onto his hiding place, and promptly takes Lan Jingyi out of the room, so he hopes that he’s not being thrashed thoroughly for well, being gay, but in keeping it and using it as a distraction tactic on their Hanguang-Jun.

Zizhen quickly kicks the doors open and tumbles out, sliding the window up and climbing out, his watch telling him dimly that he has two more minutes before curfew comes and security tightens. He would check on Lan, but he’ll be fine. Hanguang-Jun isn’t a blind rule follower as the people make him out to be - by people, he meant just Doctor Wei, who went through a period of time in his life actively cursing and mooning over Lan Wangji, and it’s entertaining and just embarrassing to bear witness to. No. Bad memories. Let’s forget that and go back and report to Qing-jie.

He’s going to start breaking ankles the next time Lan Yuan asks for a big hang out.

-

“He took the bundle from you? Without touching you?”

“I snuck in the death place for that stupid bundle and that’s all you cared about?”

“Damn Lan. Anyways, good job, it’s fine, I’m seeing the golden trio in, like, ten hours. We can haggle the bundle back.”

He hears this, but he also has the tracker sticker. Does it work? Does it not work? Unclear. He’s not too sure. He hasn’t been doing this illegal theft and tracking gig for long. He lets Qing-jie and her favours reinstate themselves as constant reminders in his life as he stumbles back to his laptop and kick starts it to see how he’s going to not set a hoodie and a person on fire. 

-

The good news is Lan Jingyi and his Lan Approved Hoodie will not be catching on fire.

The even better news is that he can get rid of Song-Xiao Qing for life now, because he knows where the package is.

The bad news is that the package is in Jin Rulan’s home. His room, to be specific.

Okay, so maybe he met Jin Rulan a few times when he went to archery tournaments to cheer on Lan Yuan, a friend but also practicing archer to become as great as Wen Ning, Olympic-level archer. Maybe he and Jin Rulan had gotten into a few arguments over pointless things in the past, like all stupid middle schoolers do. The point is that since his friend is a friend of Rulan, he has the honour of being flung at, in the face, with the address of his sizable family manor, because Jin Rulan can and will, with no preamble or social niceties, and so now Zizhen knows where he lives.

Not that a simple Google search wouldn’t tell him which place this is, but being reminded with Jin Rulan, a runt then, probably a runt now, he hasn’t seen the kid in like, two years. A-Yuan doesn’t want him to start testing his robots on real life people and everyone who had ever interacted with Zizhen knows who’s first on his list to be humanly pitted (sorry, tested) against his robots. 

He bikes to the manor, easily buzzes his way in with a screwdriver and some tinkling with the system, and strolls right through the front door.

He did do research before this. Everyone’s out. Jin Rulan is out. He’ll just take the bundle and leave, and they don’t have to talk about it anymo -

Lan Jingyi tackles him to the floor from behind the door to Jin Rulan’s room, with a distant bark of a guard dog and Jin Rulan’s dulcet tones shrieking the heavens, hard, so that his dead ancestors can rise as zombies in the night and slap Zizhen back to Baling.

“How is he here?” He can hear Rulan yelling distinctly, as he grapples with Jingyi and rips the sticker cleanly from under his sleeve. 

Jingyi and him get along okay. When A-Yuan wants people to wait for him after guqin recitals, he has Zizhen and Jingyi wait for him, and they play jianzi as they quiz each other on class things they should know, bickering back and forth. They played soccer together a few times, and Jingyi’s good - Jingyi’s training to be in the under 20′s representative Asian Games in a few months. They get along fine. They love literature and art. Zizhen doesn’t want to set a short-circuiting robot onto him. 

Literally there is no reason for Jingyi to wrestle him to the ground like this outside of the context of a soccer match.

“You found us, how,” Jingyi demands, frowning. “Did you put a tracker on me?”

He huffs, bunching up his knees and kicking up, before rolling away with the bundle. “I will neither confirm or deny your accusations. Goodbye.”

Rulan is at the window, slamming it shut, and holding out a hand, snarling rabidly at him. The scuffle he was tackled into had knocked over metal plates and car parts all over the floor, everything looks like it’s a disaster zone, if he was at home then Father would have lost it. The shining mistress of the Jin family snarls at him, forcing him to step away from the window with the sight of his sharp canines alone, eyes narrowing at him and his bundle.

“Give that over,” he frowns. “And then you can scram.”

“I broke into your house to get it back,” he stresses, with hysterical stress. “No.”

“No can’t do, Ouyang,” Jingyi’s voice drifts to him, as his wrist is seized. “We need it.”

“And Qing-jie needs it, but none of y’all are telling me what you need it for -”

The door eases open with a loud creak, like a bow on an erhu string gone wrong, and both boys might as well have screamed in his face because the expressions on their faces are thunderous. 

“Uncle!” Jingyi squeaks. 

“Uncle!” Rulan also yips, stepping away from the window, and coming over to -

Oh my god he needs to scream.

Doctor Wei and Hanguang-Jun are at the door, brows raised in vague interest at the war zone spilling out all over their socked feet, Doctor Wei humming interestedly at their thunderstruck and mutually devastated faces. 

Jin Rulan is almost the same height as his uncle but he’s looking as if somebody ran over his finessed bow. He and Jingyi, who unhands Zizhen quickly, are both standing and arms splaying, kicking and shifting so that the mess of robot parts are somewhat not so obviously sprawling all over the floor.

“A-Zhen!” Doctor Wei beams, and proceeds to squeeze him in a hug until he dies, stuffing his face into a shirtfront with too much Versace sprayed all over it. “You didn’t say you were friends with the kids!”

“We don’t know each other,” he squeezes out, gasping as he’s released.

“Not a friend,” Rulan vehemently denies.

Lan Wangji lifts two unimpressed eyebrows. Rulan swallows back whatever else he was meant to say.

“Occasionally a friend?” Jingyi amends.

He turns and gripes at the Lan boy - “How can someone be occasionally a friend, you lump of spineless potato?”

“His insults are creative,” Doctor Wei notes, half way between an explanation and a praise. “Listen, kids -”

He then gets cut off by Jingyi and Rulan, talking not only over each other, but in synching fragmented sentences. 

Jingyi  “Uncles, we’re going to pack this up, we know you need the house for guests to come over -”

“ - and we will introduce you and acquaint everyone, but this guy needs to hand over his things first and then everyone can go,” Rulan finishes, hand still reaching out to Zizhen and his bundle.

He tries to step away, but two much taller men - Lan Wangji and Doctor Wei, are in his way, benevolently smiling and stoically staring down at him, and he feels his resolve crumbling. In fear, but also they are educators and they’ve perfectly polished the I’m not angry at you, I’m just disappointed and very very sad. 

“Sounds like a party in here,” he hears the dreaded singsong, the sound of the dead coming to collect his soul and putting him through all the levels of hell.

Song-Xiao Qing pokes her head around Lan Wangji’s elbow and beams at him. “Oh you’re here! I thought I had to call for you! You made my job so easy, marshmallow boy.”

“Uh,” he’s still being held captive by Doctor Wei. “Please. Explain.”

Lan Yuan finally emerges, serene, beautiful, refreshing and soft-spoken. 

“Many apologies for my family’s treatment of you, Zizhen-xiong. Would you like some tea?”

-

The gist of it is this -

It was a test. And his gut feelings were correct.

And the test was Would Ouyang Zizhen Make Good Agent. Apparently he passed, because nobody expected him to pursue the bundle all the way to the Jin Manor, along with wrestling with Jingyi so fiercely. 

“You -” he looks at Qing-jie, who is sipping chrysanthemum tea so calmly, as if she hadn’t led him on some wild goose chase. “I actually have no words. That was very clever.”

“I have words,” Jin Rulan, apparently part of whatever the hell this is too, whinges from his post at the arm of Lan Wangji’s chair. “Why him?” 

“What, besides the obvious?” Jingyi looks at his friend. “He held me off, and snuck into Gusu. Like, impressive?”

“The sticker was a nice touch,” Qing-jie notes. “Although we did make it easy on ya.”

“He’s calm,” A-Yuan smiles at him. “You’re very calm, even though you opposed to this vehemently.”

He gestures broadly, to Everyone Present. “I can’t exactly freak out before this peanut gallery. I want to live past 5 pm today. I have an aunt’s dinner I have to go to. I can’t die before that.”

A-Yuan shrugs like that’s a good answer. It is. He knows. He has a few fire-breathing aunts himself.

“So,” someone prompts. “About this -”

“The answer is still no,” he looks over specifically at Qing-jie, who he knows no doubt will be sending him on more of these trips.

“You did good though,” Jingyi notes. “Considering that you improv like, 9 out of 10 things.”

“Well excuse me for being new at this stuff, how am I supposed to -” he stops his snapping tone as a familiar face walks by, blinking widely as the entourage of idiots who may or may not are influencing a youth in joining the forces to lawbreaking. How is Hanguang-Jun in the middle of this, he just wants to talk. He swallows his caustic words, and cautions a wave to the boy. “Hey, A-Song.”

A-Song bows back to everyone. “Zizhen-xiong -”

“Calling me gege is fine, sheesh, this kid -”

“I’ll see you at tutoring, gege,” A-Song, Jin Rusong, literally the sweetest kid ever, smiles back politely, before he retreats back to where he has to go back to, leaving their Idiot Entourage to their own.

“You know my cousin?” Rulan quirks a judgemental eyebrow. 

“Yes,” he replies, tersely. “Can you not pay attention? He said tutoring. I tutor him. Shut up, I’m only mean to you because you’ve an awful personality.”

Nobody is sure who laughed but there is a ripple of a muffled laugh as Rulan screeches that I’ll have your head, Ouyang! 

“Our deal is off,” Qing-jie snaps her fingers before his face. “You can go now.”

“Just like that?” He squints, suspicious. “No forcing?”

“No forcing,” Doctor Wei smiles, the same Jiang-Wei smile that put the cardiac arrest in people’s hearts. People being undergraduates. “We’ll win you over one of these days,” Doctor Wei slaps a fist to a palm. “Our doors are always open for you to join, A-Zhen.”

Lan Wangji levels a stare at him. “Hmn.”

He’s not quite sure how Doctor Wei isn’t freaking out in the presence of his beloved Lan-er gege but he’s not going to ask or go there. He has a dinner to go to.

“Well,” he stands, and bows, because he still has manners. “I’ll be taking my leave?”

“I’ll see you off,” Doctor Wei also stands, turning to the four idiot monkeys first. “Here ya go, kids. Don’t be playing hot potato with that now.”

It’s then that he realises that his bundle is gone, yet again, and Doctor Wei had only hugged him once.

“Shall we go?” The Doctor’s eye glints, and he wants to bolt out the door.

-

“How are you a part of this too?” He hisses to the Good Doctor, the top medical examiner of the goddamn country and youngest biology professor in his college, as he is shown out. 

“I’ll tell you when you join,” is the cryptic answer he gets, as the doors close behind him. 

Tell me, his Kermit brain says. But then you’ll have to join, his rational robotics brain whispers back.

Zizhen elects to just scream at the door and turns on his heels marching out.

The nerve of some people! 

[urfavmurtad]

It’s Ramadan.... what a blessed time to celebrate Mohammed’s own family getting repeatedly fucked over by the caliphate. Let us continue The Death of Crazy Mo.

CHAPTER 2: FAMILY MATTERS

There are three intertwining subplots at this point in the story. The first is the ongoing Islamic conquests, which are still happening but have been somewhat interrupted by the second subplot: not everyone brought into the loving embrace of Islam by Mohammed’s men wants to remain within its fold. There is a real possibility of the caliphate breaking apart before it even expands outside of Arabia. Actually, it’s not a “possibility”–it’s already happening.

Ibn Ishaq’s sira, written around 750 AD and the oldest text of Islamic history available to us, concludes with Mohammed’s death. It ends with two mourning poems, prefaced by this ominous note:

“I was told that the last injunction the apostle gave was in his words, ‘Let not two religions be left in the Arabian peninsula’. Aisha used to say: ‘When the apostle died, the Arabs apostatized and Christianity and Judaism raised their heads and disaffection appeared. The Muslims became as sheep exposed to rain on a winter’s night through the loss of their prophet until God united them under Abu Bakr.’"

These incidents of mass apostasy will come to be known as the Ridda (apostasy) Wars, and Abu Bakr will spend most of his time as caliph trying to get the lost sheep back in line. It is the first warning sign that the early caliphs will not actually enjoy their jobs very much.

The final subplot, bubbling under the surface, is the still-unresolved issue with the Banu Hashim. When we left our heroes, Abu Bakr had just been declared the caliph and Mohammed had been buried, in that order. So how do Ali & Friends feel about all this?

Well… not too happy, is the obvious answer. Upon learning that the issue of Mohammed’s succession has been resolved without their input, the Banu Hashim are rather sulky. A hadith describes Ali indicating his displeasure with the whole process to Abu Bakr a few months after this:

“We know well your superiority and what Allah has given you, and we are not jealous of the good what Allah has bestowed upon you, but you did not consult us in the question of the rule and we thought that we have got a right in it because of our near relationship to [Mohammed]."

The same hadith says that Ali “had not given the oath of allegiance” to Abu Bakr for six months following Mohammed’s death, and another hadith states that the rest of the Banu Hashim also avoided pledging fealty to Abu Bakr. They weren’t openly agitating against his rule, but they also weren’t sanctioning it by giving an oath of fealty. The message was clear: Ali and the rest of the Banu Hashim felt  robbed of their rights. Even if being related to Mohammed wasn’t enough to confer the right to rule, it at least conferred the right to decide on the ruler, in their eyes. And Abu Bakr and Umar denied them even that.

Given the delicate nature of the situation, Abu Bakr decides that it’s preferable to just leave the Banu Hashim alone to sulk, so long as they’re not openly opposing him. He knows that engaging in a PR battle (or worse: an actual battle) with Mohammed’s extended family literally immediately after his death is unlikely to positively impact his image. Abu Bakr does, however, feel entitled to the support of his own extended family. Nearly all of them support him already, but there are two holdouts named Talha and Zubayr, with the former being a member of Abu Bakr’s clan and the latter being Abu Bakr’s dumbass son-in-law via his other daughter, Asma. Al-Tabari’s account describes them neglecting to pledge allegiance to Abu Bakr and instead visiting Ali’s house, presumably to grumble about recent events for whatever reason. (As we will later see, both of these guys were opportunists–they weren’t loyal to Ali, but they were happy to ally with him if they thought they would get something out of it.) Umar responds to the situation with his usual tact and grace.

Talhah, al-Zubayr, and some of the [others were] in the house (with Ali). 'Umar cried out, "By God, either you come out to render the oath of allegiance [to Abu Bakr], or l will set the house on fire.” Al-Zubayr came out with his sword drawn. As he stumbled [upon something], the sword fell from his hand, so they jumped over him and seized him.

This story is highly dramatized by many sources, in which Umar actually does set the house on fire, or barges into the house and hurts Fatima in the process, or something similarly outrageous. Those accounts aren’t reliable, but the event itself is mentioned by authors who had no real reason to depict either Abu Bakr or Umar as evil, and Zubayr aligning himself with Ali is something found in strongly-sourced reports. So this may well have actually happened, and if it did, it certainly did not make the Banu Hashim any happier with the way things were going in the caliphate.

Another, more minor problem adds to the Banu Hashim’s  sense of victimhood. Mohammed had owned many pieces of property, and now that he’s dead, his relatives want to inherit those lands. The properties are located in multiple different areas, but the prime land is in a Jewish-majority cluster of cities that had been conquered by the Muslims a few years earlier. It’s rich agricultural land, and it’s extremely valuable in Arabia’s desert climate. Some of Mo’s widows ask Abu Bakr for it, and their requests are denied. Both Fatima and Abbas also request a share of the inheritance. Abu Bakr rejects their petitions.

Fatima and Al-`Abbas came to Abu Bakr, claiming their inheritance of the Prophet’s land of Fadak and his share from Khaibar. Abu Bakr said, “I heard the Prophet (ﷺ) saying, 'Our property is not inherited, and whatever we leave is to be given in charity. But the family of Muhammad can take their sustenance from this property.’ By Allah, I would love to do good to the Kith and kin of Allah’s Apostle rather than to my own Kith and kin.”

“So....” says Fatima.

“So,” agrees Abu Bakr.

“My father is dead.”

“It would seem thus.”

“It says here that when someone’s parents die, their children should inherit a significant portion of their wealth.”

“And?”

“And I am my father’s only surviving child?”

“...and?”

“........and I should inherit from him because of that??”

“Oooooh! Lol sorry I didn’t get where you were going with this. Look, that’s what it says in the Quran, you’re right. But the Amendments to the Quran state--”

“The... the fucking what? The Quran was supposed to have been created before humanity, and it has amendments?”

“Ma’am, I don’t make the rules. As I was saying, the Amendments to the Quran state that these rules actually do not apply if one’s father was a prophet. All the wealth and property owned by prophets is transferred to the state after their deaths, according to clause 5633§26. See?”

Fatima squints at Abu Bakr’s copy of An Idiot’s Guide to the Stuff Allah Forgot to Put in the Quran. In green crayon, someone has written “moe’s agricultural land belongs to the caliphate now -allah”.

This is evidently news to the Banu Hashim, and many of them plainly do not believe that this is what Mohammed actually would have wanted. Now they feel robbed in a political sense and in an economic sense.

On the face of it, this seems way less contentious than the whole succession thing, and it mostly is. But there is one detail that inflates its importance. Fatima is genuinely pissed off at Abu Bakr for rebuffing her, to the point that she holds a grudge against him and doesn’t even speak to him for the rest of her life.

So she became angry with Abu Bakr and kept away from him, and did not [talk] to him till she died.

This is not, as it turns out, a long period of time. Fatima dies around six months after Mohammed, probably of the same infection that killed him. Stress and a lack of self-care due to grief are sometimes also said to be the cause of her death, while some Shia traditions attribute it to miscarriage-related complications or (more dubiously) violence at the hands of Umar. No one really knows for sure, but the last of Mohammed’s children is now dead.

This might surprise non-Muslims, but the reality is that very little is said about any of Mohammed’s daughters in reputable sources. His middle daughters Roqaya and Umm Kulthum might as well not even exist for how little they’re mentioned; his oldest daughter Zaynab has a biography totaling perhaps two paragraphs. Even Fatima, the youngest and the only one who outlived him, is mentioned in only four or five anecdotes over the entire course of her life in reputable sources, one of which is the inheritance incident. They presumably played some important role in early Islam, at least among young Muslim women, but that’s never actually said.

But it is at least clear that Fatima was held in high honor by the Muslim community after Mohammed’s death, being his only surviving child and all. Also, Mohammed had specifically told people to never make her angry. (Funnily enough, this was prompted by something Ali did–he was considering taking a second wife and Mo said no because he didn’t want to upset Fatima, making poor Ali the only Muslim man forced into monogamy! ...well, ignoring his sex slaves, so... a-anyway...)

Fatima is a part of me, and he who makes her angry, makes me angry.

If you’re a Muslim who believes that everything Mohammed said was true, and you know that Abu Bakr made Fatima upset, then how can you avoid the conclusion that this situation would displease Mohammed? And by extension, how could you avoid thinking that something in the new caliphate’s milk ain’t clean? Even if you think Abu Bakr is the rightful caliph, and even if you’ve never really given any thought to the Banu Hashim’s temper tantrum, this still might give you pause. That perhaps explains why Fatima and the Banu Hashim’s refusal to swear loyalty to the empire’s new leader in a time of war–which is ordinarily insubordination, if not worse–was something that many people frowned at, but ultimately let slide.

But the sympathy train can’t last forever. And now that Fatima is dead, the Banu Hashim have lost their prophet-approved excuse for holding out on Abu Bakr. They have to rethink their strategy, and fast.

So after she dies, a clearly pissed-off Ali buries her by himself, without Abu Bakr’s involvement. It’s hard to tell that snub was due to Fatima’s own wishes or Ali’s. Regardless, keeping the caliph away from the funeral of the prophet’s kid is A Choice.

When she died, her husband `Ali buried her at night without informing Abu Bakr and he said the funeral prayer by himself.

This was essentially the end of an era for Ali. The day he put Fatima in her grave was the last day he could get away with feuding with the caliph, and he knew it. The above hadith continues:

When Fatima was alive, the people used to respect `Ali much, but after her death, `Ali noticed a change in the people’s attitude towards him.

Times are tense in Medina: the Ridda Wars are ongoing at this point, the caliphate has fallen apart, and this feud is no longer cute in the people’s eyes. The general population may have looked the other way when Fatima was alive, owing to Mohammed’s own instructions, but now she’s dead and people think it’s time for the Banu Hashim to grow the fuck up. The negative change in people’s attitudes is evidently immediate, so the Banu Hashim, deprived of what little support they had, effectively surrender.

So `Ali sought reconciliation with Abu Bakr and gave him an oath of allegiance. `Ali had not given the oath of allegiance during those months (i.e. the period between the Prophet’s death and Fatima’s death). `Ali sent someone to Abu Bakr … So Abu Bakr entered upon them

Ali explains why he’d delayed swearing allegiance for so long and tells Abu Bakr how aggrieved the Banu Hashim have been feeling over everything that’s happened. Abu Bakr doesn’t apologize, but strikes a conciliatory tone, letting bygones be bygones.

And when Abu Bakr spoke, he said, “By Him in Whose Hand my soul is to keep good relations with the relatives of Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) is dearer to me than to keep good relations with my own relatives. But as for the trouble which arose between me and you about his property, I will do my best to spend it according to what is good”

Later that day, Ali finally publicly swears allegiance to Abu Bakr, ending the feud. The rest of the Banu Hashim follow him, and the people of Medina stop giving them the cold shoulder.

On that `Ali said to Abu Bakr, "I promise to give you the oath of allegiance in this after noon.” So when Abu Bakr had offered the Zuhr prayer, he ascended the pulpit and uttered the Tashah-hud and then mentioned the story of `Ali and his failure to give the oath of allegiance, and excused him, accepting what excuses he had offered; Then `Ali (got up) [and] praised Abu Bakr’s right …

On that all the Muslims became happy and said, “You have done the right thing.” The Muslims then became friendly with `Ali as he returned to what the people had done (i.e. giving the oath of allegiance to Abu Bakr).

This is the end of the drama between the Banu Hashim and Abu Bakr. It is not the end of the drama regarding the Banu Hashim in general, and while they may have publicly forgiven Abu Bakr for “usurping” their rights, they certainly have not forgotten it. Ali himself may be playing nice for now, but he and Abu Bakr aren’t friends, and Ali isn’t friends with anyone in Abu Bakr’s circle, either. Especially not Aisha, who has loathed him ever since his involvement in a romance subplot straight out of a shitty show on The CW. These issues will all come to a head later on. The true beginning of the Shia-Sunni split, you see, didn’t happen right after Mohammed died. It happened years later, and it was an absolute disaster involving civil war, assassinations, and lots of tears. We will shortly see that the real Miracle Of Islam is that these people’s empire didn’t disintegrate due to their headassery.

Relatedly, you may have noticed that some of the people I listed in the cast of characters last time, namely the Banu Umayya, have been awfully quiet throughout all this inter-Quraysh drama. Where are they? Well… they’re around. Watching.

But for the moment, there are bigger issues, namely a bunch of people who have declared themselves prophets and amassed large groups of armed followers. What a bunch of lunatics, who would even think of such a thing??