#dysphoria going hard the past while goddamn

[blurred-antics]

why did god give his weakest transmasc the fattest thighs and ass

[celestial-ringleader]

https://celestial-ringleader.tumblr.com/post/658246663116341248/mushroom-cookie-bears-send-me-a-character-and

Remy & Pietro??

@lucifers-favorite-child Buckle in y’all because this is gonna be a long one

Remy LeBeau:

favorite thing about them: So. Many. Things. I can’t decide on one so I’m just gonna list off my top three:

- His entire aesthetic is just so cool to me?? I love the idea of his character, just him being a thief (and an heir to an entire Guild on top of it) but I also like how he’s often seen as siren-like with how he can pull people in and smooth-talk his way out of almost anything. Also his eyes are so fucking cool idc what anyone else says. The black with red sclera is just so awesome.

- His powerset, omg people seriously underestimate what he’s capable of. Some think his power is just throwing explosive cards when it’s so much more than that. Like do you have any idea how useful it could be to manipulate energy?? He could literally make a moving object stop because he can just sap out the kinetic energy within it. On top of that he made a missile explode in Excalibur which I think was an interesting way of using his powers.  Also his goddamn reflexes are broken as all fuck, like he can sense a bullet coming even before anyone else notices it and dodge it perfectly. And if he’s quick enough he can hit it back at the person who shot at him. It’s fucking insane. And let’s not forget that in an alternate universe he was able to kill the Dark Phoenix and destroy his whole planet in a fit of his powers overloading. So.

- This is gonna be cheesy, but I love the way he talks. I like how no matter how much time has passed, he hasn’t changed how he speaks and is proud of it. Besides, his accent is just,,,so good.

least favorite thing about them: Aside from the moments where he’s characterized and portrayed poorly, I can’t think of anything.

favorite line: “I ain’t a thief, or an assassin. I’m an X-Man and I’m never comin’ back.” He said that to Belladonna in X-Men: The Animated Series and it stuck with me so much.

But also the line “You need ta get a life. Seriously.” is so good too. Just ANXF in general had a lot of good lines.

brOTP: Oh boy I have so many so I’m listing them off:

-Remy & Ororo Monroe

-Remy & Laura Kinney

-Remy & Anna-Marie (and before I get people asking, I personally don’t ship them romantically. Not saying no one else should, it’s just a personal preference.)

And some bonus crack brOTPs:

-Remy & Neena Thurman

-Remy & Felicia Hardy

OTP: There’s a lot here too,,,

-Remy/Pietro Maximoff (obviously)

-Remy/Fantomex

-Remy/Johnny Storm (this is more of a crack pairing, but I blame rping on discord for this)

-Remy/Kurt Wagner

-Remy/Warren Worthington III

nOTP: Honestly Remy is so shippable with a lot of people so I don’t really care all that much. Like,,sometimes I like people exploring him in toxic relationships (like with Sabertooth or Mister Sinister) so I really don’t care skjvbdkj

random headcanon: I like to headcanon that Remy has ADHD, which mostly shows itself through him having special interests, stimming, and having a bad case of RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) because of past trauma associated with him being abandoned by those close to him. Also I like to imagine he uses playing cards to stim and his special interest is science fiction and space operas. Let him be a nerd.

Also he’s an Omega Level mutant. There I said it.

unpopular opinion: Okay, nobody get out the pitchforks and torches, but I don’t like this common headcanon that he’s a himbo and a narcissist. Usually a himbo is described as a character who is dumb while also being kind and beefy, but Remy just doesn’t tick all those boxes in my opinion. He’s incredibly clever and learns quickly, but he also doesn’t waste his time with knowledge that won’t help him. Like maybe he can’t do basic calculus but he understands how to get a lock to break based on it’s materials. Also because he was a physics teacher and I’d buy that he understands physics very well, especially since energy is such a big part of physics. So to me, he isn’t a himbo, he’s just a decent man. And as for the narcissism thing, he just doesn’t fit into the personality of someone with NPD. In fact, most of the time he talks down about himself and thinks himself less worthy....the exact opposite of a narcissist. Sometimes he’s just full of himself because he loves himself for once and that’s perfectly okay to me.  

song i associate with them: “Blood on my Name” by The Brother’s Bright, it has a southern gothic feel and it fits well into his backstory. Also “Poker Face” because why not. And also “Addict” by SilviaHound (yes it’s a Hazbin Hotel song but the vibes fit him so well)

favorite picture of them: I have,,,way too many I like. But these ones are just so good.

Also this one because it genuinely made me laugh

okay and now onto pietro

Pietro Maximoff:

favorite thing about them: There’s so much I love about Pietro so I’ll just list it off again ajkdbvkj

- His powers are actually really fucking cool. Like people think he can just run fast but forget that running fast is just one thing he can do. He can literally vibrate himself fast enough to go through walls, he has been shown to have some control over metal like Erik, he ran faster than the speed of sound (and possibly light), and he can leg press over 2,000 pounds. Also his superhero name is just so good, not even being ironic, the name Quicksilver is so badass.

- I love his relationship with Wanda, like sometimes it’s written really bad but other times it’s the cutest thing ever. Like he feels so protective over Wanda because of the environment they were raised in, but at the same time he learns when to let go of his own insecurities and let Wanda be her own person. Like,,their sibling dynamic is one of my favorites.

- His entire backstory is so tragic and I love it. He always feels like he isn’t good enough and tries to be as good as he can despite it all, but he’s also unabashedly pissed off about the circumstance he’s in. Like Pietro has every right to be bitter and I love seeing him call people out on their bullshit (especially in Quicksilver: No Surrender when he calls out people for marketing and appropriating Romani culture) 

least favorite thing about them: ...I literally can’t think of anything akjdbvkj

favorite line: Oops it’s all gamquick

Remy: Are you being difficult on purpose?

Pietro: What other reason is there to be difficult?

And also-

Pietro: Well, that’s a step up from a blow-up doll, isn’t it?

Remy: Did anyone ask you?

(Yes these are both from ANXF)

brOTP:

-Pietro & Wanda

-Pietro & Lorna Dane

-Pietro & Clint Barton (not MCU)

OTP: Okay I really only have two but I’m gonna gush about gamquick for a minute-

-Pietro/Remy LeBeau: I don’t even know where to begin with these two, I guess to start out with they both just look so good next to one another. They also bounce off one another banter-wise very well and while neither of them take bullshit from anyone, they still don’t mind messing with one another because it’s strictly playful. Also both their backstories are similar and lends itself to them finding solace in one another, they both recognize each other’s pain and will try their best to alleviate it as best as they can. They both understand what it feels like to be abandoned and abused and would never inflict that on each other, they both came from poverty and find it hard to fit into the “normal world”, but also Pietro usually never shows his softer side to anyone, but with Remy he’d make the exception because Remy wouldn’t hurt him like that. It’s also cute to explore them being able to settle down and get away from the superhero life for a while, but also them being a battle couple is A++

There’s just so much to say about them ajbdvkj

-Pietro/Namor Mckenzie: This became one of my favorite Pietro ships mostly because of @imperiuswrecked​ but also because apparently they were gonna be a couple in House of M?? Like that sounds so good to read about! Like Pietro is more carefree than Namor in some instances and it would be nice to see Namor relax a little bit more around Pietro. But also because I love imagining them being That royal couple and it’s so good.

nOTP: Pietro/Crystal. Just no. That ship is a garbage fire and it should’ve burned out ages ago.

random headcanon: Pietro has darker roots because his hair used to be the same color as Wanda’s before his powers manifested themselves. Also I like to headcanon/draw Pietro with darker skin.

unpopular opinion: Sometimes Pietro is seen as being misogynistic towards Wanda and I hate that interpretation of him. He’s protective over her, but he still allows her to make decisions on her own. Also people need to stop blaming Pietro for the events of House of M. For the love of god stop that shit.

song i associate with them: “Dollhouse” by Melanie Martinez

favorite picture of them: Need I say more? Pietro carrying his Cajun bf goes without saying

This was a lot of fun to write out and there’s so much more I can say but for now I’ll leave it here ajdbvkj

Ask Meme

[shadedrose01]

64?

Author Note: Happy Pride Month everybody!!Know that no matter your gender or sexuality identity, you are welcomed and loved ❤🌈🌈🌈❤

I hope you all enjoy!

Note/Warning: I've never written a trans character before, and this deals with negative self thoughts and dysphoria (a dead name is also used, but is crossed out). If there's anything I've gotten wrong, or if the way I wrote it is insensitive and/or incorrect, please please please let me know and I will try to fix it/delete it. 💞

Also sorry that its bad aosmskka

--

He let's out a slow, shaky breath, staring at his knuckles which are slowly turning white from his tight grasp on the marble counter of the vanity in his bathroom. He glances up once, catching a quick glimpse of stormy grays, surrounded by dark purple circles, of long, too long blond locks, of a face too rounded, too clean, and his face instictually scrunches, his gaze dropping as his eyes burn, more rivers slipping down his cheeks as his mind screams at him, 'wrong, wrong, wrong-'

He squeezes his eyes shut, more liquid escaping as his body, curved and top heavy and wrong, heaves in a silent sob. He cant keep doing this, he knows. Cant keep living this lie, cant keep pretending. Knows that why he texted that morning, why his boyfriend was in the living room right now, waiting for him to come back out, probably getting worried at how long he was taking-

But goddamn it, he was scared. He was scared shitless. Not because he thought Peter would hurt him, no no no, he would never hurt him. But because he didnt know if he'd stay once he knew.

And Peter... God, Peter means so much to him. Peter, who stayed with him through every up and down, who held him close after he cried for hours and hours when his mom died, who he's sat with and laughed for hours, until his stomach aches and happy tears will rolling down his face, who's been with him- well, he thinks he's a her; even the thought causing his stomach to churn and another sob to shutter through him- for almost 2 years now, having started dating in 9th grade when they were both new and baby faced and young, so so young and naive, and-

And Harley- not Hailey, no, no, no- didnt know if he could lose him. Didnt know if he could handle it if Peter looked at him in cold, hard disgust and walked out, never looking back. But it's a very real possibility. He knows some people cant handle transgender people (he's trans, it's still a revelation for him even after all these years of hating himself and wondering why, even after figuring out what trans meant a few months ago, even after realizing he was that last month, it was still weird, still new to him), much less date them.

And from what he knew, Peter was straight. And Harley wasn't a girl. He was almost sure that Peter wouldn't stay, because why would he? He wanted a girl, thought he was dating a girl, but Harley wasn't a girl and-

He shakes his head, opens his eyes and wipes his tears away, taking a deep breath. No more time for second thoughts, he just- he just has to go out there, say it, and- and see what happens. He swallows down his fear, straightens his back, and unlocks the door, walking out.

He makes his way back to the living room, where his boyfriend ('for now' his mind tells him, 'he'll leave, he will') is still lounging on the couch, sprawled out and relaxed, scrolling on his phone without a care in the world, unknowing of the secret, no, the revelation that was about to  dropped, that was about to ruin their night and relationship. He glances up when Harley walks back in, and gives him a warm, familiar grin, his coffee eyes sparkling and shining with the same abundant amount of love as he always has when staring at Hailey and it causes his chest to squeeze, his heart to hammer worse, his hands to clench. Because thats who he thinks he is, thats the facade of the human Peter knows and loves, hidden under lumps and curves, unknowing of the true him lurking underneath.

"Hey baby, is everything okay?" He tilts his head, and his smile dims a little, his irises swirling with a worry, a concern now that Harley doesn't deserve, Peter doesn't deserve this, doesn't- he can't do this, he can't- "You were in the bathroom for a while." Harley swallows, and stays silent as he sits down, back ramrod straight and head down, focusing on his hands sitting in his lap, squeezing and unsqueezing over and over in his nerves, his fear. At least, they were, until another hand reaches over and plants itself on top of them, causing Harley to flinch slightly. "Hailey, what's wrong?" Peter sounds scared, now, scared and confused and Harley's heart aches but he needs to do this, he needs to.

"I have to tell you something." He finally finds the strength to whisper, his voice high, too high, and squeaky, a current of self hatred pumping through his veins as he longs for it to be deep, to be normal, to be him. "And it's- something big, and I get it if you want to break up with me afterwards, or hate me, I get it, I do, trust me-"

"Hailey," he squeezes Harley’s hands with his own, trying to be reassuring but his words, the name- not his name, that’s not his name- makes Harley flinch again, and his face scrunch up as tears burn at his eyes, making his view of their beige carpet floor blurry. "You're scaring me, princess, talk to me. What's going on?"

"I'm not a princess!" He blurts, then, loud and irrational, Peter reeling back in surprise, his eyes wide when Harley jerks back up to stare at him just as his tears start to fall.

Peter pauses, clearly trying to think of the best way to go about this, before he leans forward, face focused, serious and voice cautious, as if Harley was fragile, dainty, breakable. "Okay. If you didn't like the nickname, you could've just told me, Hails."

"No! That's not-" Harley rubs at his face, rough and harsh, scrubbing away his tear and rubbing his face raw as he croaks out, all of the fight rushing out of him. "...I'm not Hailey, Peter."

He hears a scoff from beside him, but its gentle, more bewildered than anything else. "Yes you are, I've seen your birth certificate, I've met your parents-"

"I'm a man, Peter." He forces out, finally, finally, the words slipping through his teeth like air, soft, low, barely a whisper, but its enough, enough to shut Peter up completely, enough to make Harleys eyes and heart squeeze as he continues, "I'm not Hailey, because I'm not a girl. I'm a man. I'm- I'm transgender, Peter."

His chest convulses in a sob as soon as the words escape him, and a multitude of emotions rush over him, but he can't tell what they are, can't distinguish if they're  panic, fear, concern, or if they're relief, joy, a weight off of his shoulders. Maybe its a mix of both, swirling and making his stomach churn as they sit in silence, the rock forming in Harley's stomach getting bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier the longer Peter doesnt say anything, doesn't move, doesn't breath or blink or anything. He squeezes his eyes shut again, turning away again, shoulders tense and heart aching. He can't bare to look at what he knows will be disgust and anger on the love of his life's face. He can't. "I'm sorry. I- I know this isn't what-" He hiccups, tears still rushing down his face and trembling his chest, his breathing ragged. "What you signed up for. I under- understand if you can't deal with it, if you- you want to- to-" He breaks off into sob, harder and heavier, leaning forward and curling into himself more, just as Peter finally, finally responds.

"No, no no wait, no, that's not-" A hand brushes at his arm, and Harley jolts again, but Peter doesn't pull away, grabbing onto his forearm gently, softly, his hold loose enough for Harley to break if he truly wanted to. "I would never, baby. Never."

Harley freezes, blinking his eyes back open and glancing up at Peter, who's looking back at him with- with honesty, with compassion, and care, and love, but- but that doesn't make sense, he- "You don't- don't mind?" He murmurs shakily, searching Peter gaze for any hint of a lie, but he can't find any, can't find any hostility, or hatred, or anger at all. Only understanding, and truth.

"Of course I don’t, Haile- uh, I dont-" He stumbles and fumbles for a second, and Harley can't help the small chuckles that bubble in his chest before he corrects, "Harley." Peter nods, looks contemplative. "Harley. It suits you." Harley can feel himself beam at that, a smile twitching at his lips and his eyes crinkling. "Of course I don't care, Harley." Peter, his boyfriend, his soulmate, he loves him God he loves him, repeats, looking straight into Harleys eyes and past his physicality, into his heart and soul, into his being. "Man, woman, both, neither, I don't mind. Whatever makes you happy."

He can feel more tears pooling in his eyes, but for a completely different reason this time, his chest warming and swelling with adoration, with love and security and comfort, but he just, he has to make sure- "Are- are you sure?"

Peter softens, and reaches a hand over to cup Harley's cheek, and he leans into it immediately, seeking his touch. "Of course. I don't love you for your body, Hai- Harley. I love you for your heart, and wit. For your stubbornness, to put your foot down for what you love, for your patience, to be able to deal with me every damn day," They both chuckle then, light and airy, but real. "For your temper, to tell me off whenever I need it, for your confidence, and the way you can command a room just by walking in. But, in general..." He curls a strand of Harley's hair behind his ear, still too long and straight and not him, but its less noticeable now, when the other man is staring at him with the biggest, sappiest love eyes in the world. "I love you for you. You. I love you." He presses gently into the dimple on Harleys cheek for each you, and he can't hold back the tears anymore, the waterworks bubbling over and running down his cheeks like waterfalls as he sobs and rushes forward to crumple into Peter's arms, who are open and waiting for him, and cradle him as soon as he arrives, pulling him closer to his chest.

"Thank you, thank you." Harley repeats, over and over, his cheeks aching from his smile and his chest bursting with his joy, and happiness and hope and excitement and love, overflowing with it, causing it to compass him completely as he switches his words, to emphasize and mimic the way he feels. "I love you, I love you, I love you so much."

And Peter just holds him close, one hand rubbing up and down his back, the other running through his hair as he presses a kiss to the side of his head, and murmurs "Of course, always. I love you too."

Once his tears finally stop, Harley slowly dozes off in his boyfriends arms. Once he wakes, they'll discuss where Harleys pronouns and where wants to go next, they'll start to plan his transition, buy him binders and book hair appointments and do all of the things Harley longed to do for years. Harley will slowly, but surely, become himself, all with Peter at his side. But for now, he slowly eases into sleep, feeling joyous, comforted, loved and accepted.

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[littlehouseofkarlacade]

k so since i’ve been hiding the fact that i’ve been depressed and frustrated af lately, i’m just gonna slam it all here under a read more. ignore if you want, actually please do, it’s just me bitching again--

so holy shit the way america is rn frustrates the absolute hell out of me. covid has only made it worse; it feels like we’re never gonna get out of this fuckin’ pandemic because of people screaming that their rights are being violated bc they’re being asked to wear masks (?????? you’d fuckin’ hate it in asia then, ya goddamn snowflakes) and having parties all over the place, plus there’s all the politics shit that i’m not even going to get into, and just... it’s so damn hard to actually live here because everything costs a motherfuckin’ fortune. for fuck’s sake, i am a woman making $15 an hour at a part time job that gives me only 12-15 hours a week, how the fuck am i gonna succeed in anything with that?!

holy fuck. i want so many things that are just out of reach, it feels like. i want to help sylvie start HRT so she can finally start kicking gender dysphoria’s ass and actually start being happy with herself and her body, but considering she has practically 0 health insurance, she makes even less than i do, and it’s fuckin god-tier expensive, i have no idea where to even start with that. a friend of mine told me about planned parenthood (which would probably be a really good idea for both of us, considering i’ve never had my, uh, inner workings checked out), but i have no idea if there’s even one in our area or anything, or how we’d go about starting anything regarding that. it’s so goddamn frustrating, because i hate seeing her hate herself and her body so much because she’s got the wrong goddamn one, and i feel like she’s just got this general feeling of hopelessness around the entire thing, and i want to show her that it is reachable for her, but... how am i supposed to do that if i don’t even know where to begin?!

ALSO, not even relating to that

i want a house. not an apartment, not to keep living with people i barely know, but my own actual goddamn house. my credit score is lookin’ pretty damn good right now -- it’s almost in the 700s, but... i have no idea where to start with that either. and like... i’m afraid, as well. because if we go buy a house, and then something happens where we can’t afford things with the house anymore, then we’re fuckin’ homeless. and like. i’ve been homeless before -- not out on the streets, but i was couchsurfing for a good year and a half, and that sucked -- and i never want that to happen again. rent is expensive as fuck, more than both of us put together can afford, especially with all of sylvia’s bills. our roommate kicked us out of our old place, so we had to quickly scramble to find a place, so we’re living with a couple of sylvia’s friends, and i personally cannot stand it. it’s nothing against them, really, i just. i hate being almost 29 and still having to rely on others for a place to fucking live. it’s fucking godawful. and considering i don’t have any family members or anything that will help me, it’s so... alskdjflkdsal;afd

plus we’re not even in our original city anymore, we’re stuck on a goddamn island that we have to pay a toll to drive back onto every time we go home from work, so that fuckin’ sucks. and i miss our old city so much and it hurts so bad that we don’t live there anymore; i was really at home there, it was the first place where i really felt i could be myself and just... leaving there fucking sucked. i want to go back, and i fully intend to. someday. when i can actually afford things like a goddamn house. why are houses so goddamn expensive anyway; it’s like fuckin’ robbery. idk.

PLUS, since i graduated from community college this past semester, i’m currently on a break, and i fully intend to go back to university, hopefully in fall semester. BUT, idk, it looks like i’m gonna have to push that back to spring 2022, considering we don’t have a place of our own, i can’t drive (was going to get my permit this past summer but covid fucked that in the ass), and while we don’t want to live here, i have no idea where we will be living, and location matters a lot for me since i can’t fuckin’ drive!! i can’t even start applying to universities until we figure that out, and it’s just... god. i feel like i’m spinning my goddamn wheels again, and i fucking hate that feeling.

this is all over the goddamn place and i’m so sorry for that, but i’m just so frustrated and thinking on all of it makes me so fucking depressed that most days lately i just feel like giving up. stop having goals, try to be content working at fuckin target for the rest of my life (even though it makes me wanna die). but goddammit, i’m too fuckin’ ambitious for that (before jkr turned into a fuckin’ bitch, i always got slytherin house because that’s me, kids), and i apparently can’t be satisfied with what i already have because i’m a spoiled-ass bitch, i guess. i always want better. like. i feel like i have to make something of myself before i’m allowed to feel happy and content with my life, and that’s frustrating too. it’s like... i dunno. things aren’t happening the way i want them to, and i just get pissed off at myself for allowing things to happen as they are.

just... god. fuck off. eat the rich. fuck capitalism. i don’t want to be a millionaire or anything. i just want to make enough to not have to live paycheck to paycheck and be able to actually afford things i want without feeling fuckin’ guilty about it. i mean jfc i spent almost $50 on tea shit on this past paycheck bc i got a bonus from target corporate so i had some extra money, but i still feel guilty about it!! and. jesus christ. i don’t know where i went wrong. probably being born to poor, abusive people is where i went wrong.

fuck off.

having mental illness and being poor is. fucking awful. i don’t wish it on anyone.

i just want things to be betterrrrrrr for fuck’s sake.

the end

[molsno]

I’m skipping the middleman on that trans ask game and just answering all the questions myself <3

this is long so it’s under a read more

1. How did you choose your name?

in senior year of high school, while I was in french class, I was thinking about the word vivre, to live, and how it conjugated. I forget what tense it is, but one way of conjugating it is “nous vivions”, and it dawned on me that the name vivian is based on the word vivre (or its latin origin). of course, I already liked the name due to the character from paper mario ttyd, but knowing that it means life really spoke to me, as I think the ability to live is a precious thing that shouldn’t be wasted. I decided pretty much then and there that I would name my daughter vivian some day. well... then I got the chance to play a character in my friend’s danganronpa killing game, and I thought playing a girl would be interesting. granted, I also already knew I was an egg and saw this as an opportunity to try out my favorite name, so I created vivian tamochi. as you might have guessed, I loved being her so much that I made vivian my actual name

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

um, hearing recordings of my own voice probably. I always think that I sound very feminine but then I hear a recording of myself and it sounds like a bad impression

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

more social I guess? actually yeah I think all of the dysphoria-induced breakdowns I’ve had have been because of social things

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

something that helps a lot is shaving, especially when it’s a fullbody shave

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

this is a bit embarrassing but it was honestly christmas eve 2018. I saw my little cousin (I think she was 8 at the time) wearing a pretty dress and I felt sort of jealous that I never got to do that when I was her age. I was so confused about this feeling that I told my trans friend kyra about it and after asking me to clarify what I meant she linked me to the egg_irl subreddit. that was the first time I seriously considered it

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

I told my friend amanda how I’d been confused about my gender and she offered to take me to goodwill to try on some clothes. I was extremely nervous about it while we were there and I really had to work up the courage to not only pick out some clothes to try, but also take them to the fitting room with me. but once I put on a skirt for the first time I stood there for like a solid 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest happiest smile on my face. in that moment I finally understood what gender euphoria was. I couldn’t deny I was trans any longer, it was just a matter of working up the courage to tell people

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

um, probably that I feel like a person now. also the little things, like seeing my hips get bigger or looking at how long my hair has gotten. just little things to smile about!

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

um, I’m girl <3

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I mean it depends on who, but I decided to do it on national coming out day 2019, in my discord server with friends. basically I commented on it being national coming out day and reposted my intro in the introductions channel with my new name and pronouns. everyone there sorta saw it coming I’m pretty sure

10. What have your experiences been with packing or tucking?

I’ve tucked a few times in public. it’s uncomfortable for sure, but not terrible once you get used to it. the idea of it made me squeamish at first, I’ll admit. but since I haven’t had much excuse to go out in girlmode the past year or so, I haven’t tucked much

11. What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

the closest I’ve ever gotten to wearing breast forms is wearing a bra every day for..... almost a year now? it doesn’t serve much purpose other than letting me feel something there, though that is changing since I’ve been on hrt for several months

12. Do you pass?

I mean... probably not? I feel like I’m very visibly trans. there have been like two times where I’ve been gendered correctly in public (one in girlmode, one not) but those are extremely rare

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

well I’ve been on hrt for 8 months now so that’s one thing. I want to get laser hair removal for my facial hair because that’s one of the biggest sources of dysphoria for me, but yknow. that’s expensive! according to my understanding my insurance supposedly should cover bottom surgery, but I’m honestly in no rush to get that. I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria, but it would be nice to get surgery some day

14. How long have you been out?

it’s been about a year and two months now...... time flies

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

up until I was like 17 I was incredibly insistent on being cis and straight despite very obvious (in retrospect) signs to the contrary. around 18 I was very confused why all my friends were lgbt in some form and also I kinda started realizing I don’t mind dick, and I thought it would all make sense if I was bi. I identified as cis and bi for like 4 years or so but the longer it went on the more wrong it felt considering I had never once during that time been attracted to a man

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?

surprisingly not really? the most transphobia I’ve experienced has been a result of automated processes like proctored testing or emails. of course, I’ve seen all the nasty shit that terfs say about people like me, but I’ve never been a victim of it directly

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

if there is a universal restroom that I can lock from inside then I use that. if not, I sigh dramatically and sadly use the men’s room

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

truthfully I don’t know. my mom seems accepting enough, but with the pandemic going on I haven’t talked to her much. I know my sister is aware, and shockingly she seems supportive too, but we haven’t talked about it in depth

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

if I could go stealth I would. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be visibly trans

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

the sooner you start transitioning the happier you’ll be. by denying this part of yourself you’re just making yourself miserable

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

she/her makes me happiest. I’ve (against my will, mind you) used they/them and been called molsno in a group that I wasn’t out in, and..... it made me feel..... distant, I guess? it was better than he/him, but it felt much less personal

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

I mean...... yeah? as a trans lesbian it’s very easy for me to hate masculinity given how it’s instilled nothing but negative feelings in me literally my entire life, and being autistic makes it harder to understand how the things I say about gender negatively impact the people around me

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

the fear that I may never be able to believe I can be loved as a woman, probably

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

coming out nearly everywhere and getting on hrt!

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I desperately wish cis people understood even the basics of trans issues. still to this day many cis people don’t even know the right terminology to use for trans people. they think “trans man” and “trans woman” mean the opposite of what they actually mean and that’s just so goddamn frustrating. many of them think transitioning is just bottom surgery and that’s it. like, they don’t know anything about hrt. cis people please educate yourselves on trans issues I’m begging you

26. What impact has being trans had on your life?

it’s affected many aspects of my life but I think the biggest one is that I feel like a person now. I always felt like a robot, or like someone putting on a performance before, but I feel like a human being now

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

ummm... not much really. I guess one thing that has helped is making my character astrid trans? because if I ever think something bad about myself I can stop myself and ask if I would think the same thing about her, and of course the answer is no.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?

it’s bad. trans women very rarely get any positive representation. like the only transfem characters that come to mind that I think were handled well were lily hoshikawa from zombieland saga and vivian from paper mario (although even that’s debatable given the english censorship about her gender and the way beldam abuses her in japanese). meanwhile nonbinary representation consists almost exclusively of aliens, shapeshifters, robots, etc. and trans men get literally nothing. like. trans representation is just so abysmal it’s not even funny

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

umm....... I don’t really care about celebrities lol. if I were to answer this question it would be “oh yes I’ve heard of these people”

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

gosh, how could I ever decide? most of my friends are trans so it’s hard to say but if I had to answer.... my friends kyra and modeus were probably the most helpful when I was figuring myself out

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

mostly online

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I’ll almost certainly still be a woman, and hopefully my transition will have gone well enough that I’ll be able to pass

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?

healthcare. the difficulty so many people face with getting access to trans healthcare is ridiculous and discriminatory. I’ve written essays for school about this topic and they were the easiest essays I’ve had to write because of how passionate I am about this

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

pick your head up queen/king/royal, your cat ears are falling down

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

well I’m white, able bodied, average weight, and I’m about to get a degree in computer science, so I have a lot of privilege that other trans people don’t have. I fully recognize that. it breaks my heart that so many less privileged trans people, particularly trans women of color, are murdered and never even get the justice they deserve. I wish there was more I could do to stop it, but privileged as I am, I’m only one person. I want everyone to be aware of who the major victims of transphobia are. look out for black trans women especially, they need your protection and support most of all

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

not much. I’m a woman with a very feminine gender expression, when I’m free to be. the biggest feminine thing that I don’t do is makeup, but that’s more due to dysphoria rather than a distaste for it

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

feminine uwu

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am a lesbian and that is very epic of me. I love girls and seeing girls in love makes me happy and imagining myself as a girl in love with another girl makes me even happier

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I always hate admitting this, but due to personal reasons, my ideal partner is cis. this is mostly because I very much want to have biological children, and that’s simply not possible with another trans woman. I wouldn’t rule out an afab nonbinary person entirely, it just really depends on how comfortable said person is with femininity and also how they feel about dating a lesbian. if not for my desire to have kids (which is not something I’m willing to compromise on since it has been my lifelong dream) I would have a lot more options. truth be told, cis women kind of scare me, and it would be so much easier to date someone who fundamentally understands what it’s like to be trans. but biology is cruel unfortunately

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was incredibly difficult. thankfully, it didn’t last very long. I only had to wait about 6 months, and most of that time was spent waiting until I was able to bank sperm because I didn’t want to risk becoming permanently infertile after starting hrt

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

ngl...... reddit. the trans boards have many, many helpful resources for transfem people. I don’t really go there anymore but it was immensely helpful in the early stages

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mean..... yeah, but not very much anymore on account of the pandemic. I made a few trans friends junior year of college and we still talk occasionally, but it’s been several months since I last saw them all

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

not really 😔

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

“Wow Vivi how come you’re so epic?”

I was born this way <3

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

I read #22 again today, since I saw your latest ask and all, and I'm still as angry about it as I was when I was a kid. Like, yeah, David had to be stopped; but I have always felt Cassie made a terrible choice in the name of keeping their hands technically clean. They should have killed David. Someone should've pointed out what a horrifying thing it is to condemn someone to die as another species. I'd rather be killed than become a rat anyway. I like Cassie, but that choice? Can't agree with it.

We’ll agree to disagree on this one, anon.  I don’t think that what the Animorphs do to David is a fate worse than death.  I don’t think that it has anything to do with “keeping hands clean.”  And I don’t think it was, all things considered, a terrible choice.

Obviously, there are no philosophical treatises out there about the ethics of forcing a person to become a rat and live the rest of their life as a rat, not unless drunken Ovid scholars went really wild at some point.  As usual, the Animorphs have no real guides they can ask, no precedents they can look up, about whether they’re doing the right thing.

HOWEVER, what the Animorphs do have is a Tobias.  Tobias, who has been trapped in a body other than his own.  Tobias, who has lived the past year in the body of a hawk, most of that time while unable to morph.  Tobias, who doesn’t have an ideal existence, but who also has decent quality of life.  Tobias, who went through terrible adjustment struggles, but who did adjust, to the point where right now he is choosing to live as a hawk rather than a human.  Tobias, who (regardless of the complexities of the situation) certainly didn’t wake up one morning and actively decide he was going to permanently assume a shape that eats roadkill and gets eaten in turn by bobcats, and yet has learned how to live with and even enjoy that reality.

Would Tobias describe becoming a nothlit as a fate worse than death?  Most certainly not.  He’s ambivalent about it, and at times he’s really goddamn frustrated with it, but he’s also doing pretty well for himself.  Does Tobias know that he’s going to die sooner he would as a human?  Yeah, and he’s not entirely comfortable with it but he’s not wracked with dread either.  Does Tobias miss his human body and feel dysphoria about his hawk shape?  Yes, but again it’s not to a level where it destroys his life, more at a level where it annoys and inconveniences him sometimes.

Anyway, we could talk about hypothetical information that might change the Animorphs’ decision parameters, but the truth is that they don’t have that information.  They only know one nothlit — they won’t meet Aldrea or Arbron or Menderash until later — and their one nothlit green-lights the plan to make another nothlit.  It’s not a perfectly equivalent case (I think we can agree that flying around and living for ~20 years sounds better than crawling through dumpsters and living ~2 years) but it’s also the best insight that they have, and the best they’re likely to get.  Based on what the Animorphs know at the time when they make that call, being a nothlit is not as nice as living one’s life in one’s preferred body, but it’s a huge step above being LITERALLY DEAD.  They can’t let David go, so this is a not-terrible solution.

It’s also worth noting that — as Jake points out in #53 — it’s ridiculously hard to kill an Animorph.  Pretty much any injury that doesn’t kill a morpher within ~20 seconds will do nothing more than piss the person off.  Even getting stabbed in the heart or shot in the head doesn’t result in death that quickly, most of the time.  Beheading might, but the act of beheading a morpher would also be something of a logistical nightmare, even if they somehow got Ax to sneak up on David while neither of them was in morph and then give an ol’ Visser Three style swish of the tail.  If the Animorphs can instead neutralize David, using the limitations of the morphing power, then that at least creates considerably less chance that he’ll take a few of them down with him or escape and tell Visser Three about the six of them.

It’s also ALSO worth noting that the Animorphs have about 12 hours to come up with this plan, while actively running for their lives and also trying to prevent the yeerk invasion of the G8 summit.  It’s possible for us to armchair-quarterback a hypothetical better solution where they, I don’t know, manipulate David into morphing Marco and then drop him on a desert island where at least he gets to be a human nothlit.  It’s realistic, on the other hand, for Cassie and the others to come up with something good-enough that is neither tactically nor ethically perfect but nevertheless gets the job done.

[jakey-beefed-it]

Trying to catalogue the ol’ comorbid disorders a bit so maybe i can do something about some of them possibly. Under a cut because hoo boy, not an exciting or fun analysis.

definitely have depression. prozac makes it better. not good. but better. manageable. no longer aggressively want to die. just sort of low-key don’t care if i do a lot of the time. sometimes forget that i have a physical form and am briefly almost happy. then see self in mirror or have difficulty fitting into a booth at a restaurant or smth and suddenly want to crawl into a hole and die

definitely have massive body-image issues (rimshot... see because.... massive body... because... it’s a fat joke... anyhow). sometimes wonder if i’m on the asexual spectrum but then remember how things were for me as a horndog teenager and probably it’s just that i’ve got a suppressed libido due to weight, depression, antidepressants, and overwhelming tsunamis of shame whenever i think about my body in any way shape or form

definitely have anxiety. plagued by nightmares and disrupted sleep and have like 2 full on anxiety attacks in any given year where i feel like i’m having a goddamn heart attack but heart attacks don’t respond to biofeedback, ya know? also, apparently, have night terrors such that i scream in my sleep. which is. kinda funny, in a humiliating way.

have been diagnosed as bipolar in the past but don’t really have proper manic phases anymore. at worst, have mixed states where brain is going very fast... about how much it hates me/itself/everything. less ‘mania’ and more ‘high-speed depression’. might not be bipolar actually based on -

almost certainly have adhd based on like... everything ...but reluctant to go and get a diagnosis and treatment because i’m so full of self-loathing that i feel like i don’t ‘deserve’ to get treated for being a useless sack of shit/due to just generally low self-esteem which is... wait for it... a symptom of adhd

apparently adults with adhd are like... pretty regularly misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. because they’re obviously depressed (being brainweird is depressing and alienating) but also often hyperfocus and such.

anyhow yeah. almost certainly have adhd, basically tick every single box but especially hyperfocus but especially rejection-sensitive dysphoria. i’ve gottan a much better handle on responding to creative rejection or perceived rejection with anger but that sure did used to be a thing for Young and Craziest Jake between like 18 and 24 who had NO idea what the hell was wrong with him but it sure was a LOT. i always had a pretty solid handle on interpersonal rejection in that it would make me feel shitty (sinking, cold, numb chest, physical pain) but i would respond with ‘oh.’ and try to get the fuck out of that social interaction asap rather than being an entitled asshole about it. but hoo boy did i used to view any perceived slight on my creative pursuits as like, a thrown gauntlet. i’m much better about that nowadays at least! just reacting with ‘oh’ and wanting to get the fuck out is more eusocial than being a prick about it.

anyhow basically perceive self as fundamentally loathsome and disgusting, inside and out, without merit or value, and so naturally all pursuits that bring fleeting distraction from that are prized but can turn to ashes real goddamn fast if they’re not *quite* distracting enough and i have a moment of self-perception. while, say, painting miniatures- the image of a hunched and stinking sack of lard making ugly expressions with an ugly face while concentrating entirely too much on something utterly irrelevant. can ruin it for days. not even sure if that qualifies as anhedonia (which is another big thing i DO suffer from) as opposed to like... anti-hedonia whereby all my hobbies just remind me of what a piece of shit i see myself as. to the point where the other day i was strongly tempted to take the sisters of battle minis i’m currently working on and just smash them to bits in a fit of misplaced rage. they’re plastic, it’s not them i hate, it’s my damn self, and so destroying something that i put a lot of work into offers the promise of brief catharsis without more direct self-harm. suppressed the urge thankfully- learned how to do that the hard way over the past decades, too. the aftermath is always achingly regretful and not at all cathartic.

anyway. this situation. it’s not good, obviously. should really do something about it. maybe seek adhd diagnosis. maybe try to work on self-acceptance both mental and physical. that’s incredibly difficult though. to unlearn years and years of messages from within (and without, sometimes) that i’m unacceptable. have tried improving, have had some success in becoming better person, have had no success in giving a shit about that and still focus on all the negatives. 

tl;dr this is basically that dumb nietzche quote ‘acute crisis; in bed all week’ that people meme on except instead of being in bed i’ve been having difficulty staying asleep and instead sort of standing around like

which admittedly is something i do kind of a lot hence my fuckening icon but yeah. acute crisis.

nothing anyone can do about it but maybe me, so i guess i’d better either do that or try and work into a hyperfixation so i can put this all aside for a while and just be in the zone.

[full-course-identity]

I’ve been thinking about trans meds and nondysphorics and gender nonconformity and intersexuality and detransitioners and all these different communities of people with similar yet wholly different experiences and I just think that there’s different forms of Transness, regardless of identity.

As in, I think that the reason people whose transness is Purely Medical sometimes have trouble understanding nondysphorics, especially physically transitioning nds, is because they have a fundamentally different reality. It’s hard for them to understand why nondysphorics could or would be trans when they never knew anything but dysphoria, and so it comes across as if nds are “identifying into oppression”.

They aren’t. Queerness exists within someone the moment they fall off the exclusive WASP pericishet platform. While their needs aren’t coming from a neurological condition, it is just as unavoidable and undeniable—maybe they weren’t always trans, but now they are and they can’t change that.

Despite the fact I have thoroughly denounced my past lukewarm truscummy-ness, I don’t like the tendency to treat trans meds as all the same brand of REG. Like, ace exclusionists are coming almost exclusively from a position of bigotry, whatever the reason, but trans meds... they’re a lot more complex then that. A lot ARE just Bigoted Fuckheads who need to go away, but the fact that the trans experience can be so radically different for so many people makes me inclined to think that at least a sizable portion are just... disconnected.

My dysphoria is intrinsically tied to the hormonal issues of my intersexuality, as well as my extreme forms of neurodiversity and trauma. The reality of my transness is so wholly self-contained that I strongly doubt most people are experiencing the same feelings about gender that I do. That made it really, really hard to fully connect with truscum or tucutes for the longest goddamn time. I just... I felt like a phony in either community. I was floating without an anchor.

But slowly, through the observations I’ve made, it’s become clear that EVERYONE has highly individualized experiences with gender. No one is actually talking about the same thing. We’re all right and we’re all wrong. It’s messy.

I don’t know what the point of this post is, except that queer is a really neat word.

[twiceminded-archived]

(Awhile back I wrote a cognitive assessment for Alfend, but today I’ve decided to expand on it! So here goes!)

(Long-ass fuckin post under the cut, lots of negative psychological stuff, and child abuse mentions.)

Amnesia - Certain memories have been surpressed by conditioning. Only Fendi suffers this, and his memories of his stay in the hospital are especially shaky because of it.

Anxiety - A given, considering what he’s been through. Many things make Alfendi nervous, due to events that have happened in their life. Al typically responds with agitation, while Fendi simply compartmentalizes the feeling and sets it aside.

C-PTSD - One would expect PTSD only due to a singular event, but Alfendi’s very early life involved emotional and verbal abuse. Due to these repeated reactions towards his behaviour, Alfendi now has a myriad of problems that persist later on in life. Al inherited the majority of those behavioural issues. Some of these will be expanded on further down the post.

Cynicism - Not exactly something either of them can help, but it’s hard to keep faith in humanity and in people when you constantly see the worst of them... and when the system fails you, where else do you turn?

Defensiveness - Absolutely. Press either of them on something they’re sensitive about, and they get defensive. Al angrily goes on the attack or stands his ground, but even Fendi can lose his temper and go off if he’s cornered, if he doesn’t just lapse into silence first.

Denial - Yep! Deny, deny, deny. They’re getting a little better about it, but there’s been no real significant progress in making either half admit truth in the face of pressure.

Depersonalization - Comes with the dissociation! And with the personality death. If this body belonged to someone before you, is it really yours? How real are you if you’re just a construct, or a fragment? Too many of these questions, and they start to lose touch with the physical world and perceive things as happening to just the ‘body’, not ‘them’.

Depression - Yeah, there’s not much to elaborate on with this. The depression is real.

Displacement - Is it really a surprise that Al has this? He can’t be aggressive towards the general public, his family, his friends, or his co-workers, so the next best thing are troublemakers who do something to deserve his ire. Who’s going to care if he dumps all of that simmering rage onto someone he’s sure is a murderer? (Well...)

Dissociation - Yes. I mean, it’s very much one of the most obvious things about them. The two of them dissociate semi-regularly, detaching from their surroundings to calm down -- and also ‘switch’ to suit the situation, as people with dissociative identity disorder often do. The blueprints for this were laid by Alfendi’s terrible childhood, before Hershel took him in.

Dysphoria - Is it really his body? Fendi isn’t sure. Al’s more certain, yet at times Fendi feels like he doesn’t belong in it. But he’s there to stay, and he has to look after this body and the alter in it anyway. At times, however, he just doesn’t feel right...

Emotional detachment - Not exactly a bad thing. Fendi makes use of his while in the workplace, where keeping a cool head is pretty important when you’re trying to get the truth out of someone. However, he takes it out of work and... stifles his emotions because he’s been led to believe that too much is too dangerous. And given the horrible feelings he has after losing his temper, maybe he can’t help it.

Flashbacks - Al has these, since Al carries the majority of childhood memories. While Fendi may freeze up when yelled at, Al will freeze up and recall being back in his first house. These flashbacks often throw him into a defensive mode due to their distressing nature and ability to evoke powerful emotions. Don’t scream at them, they hate it.

Flat affect - 100% Fendi. Another word for this is called ‘emotional blunting’ and if that isn’t Fendi I dunno what is. Typically this turns into straight-up apathy, but sometimes the flat affect is done to hide whatever emotion has just struck him.

Guilt - Fendi locked a sentient part of himself away for four years. When he realized the true reason why he had done this, he was struck with guilt that has never really gone away. But he hates guilt, so he refuses to even acknowledge it.

Hallucinations - Part of that psychosis! Fendi hallucinates voices and occasional movement out of the corners of his vision. The voices are almost always persecutory in nature, and the phrases they pick might come from the things he represses. The words don’t always make sense, however.

Hypervigilance - To a point where it can become exhaustion for them. Not always a problem but when it is, it’s usually because one of their traumas have been triggered or a phobia has been recognized. When combined with paranoia (hypervigilance isn’t the same thing), they become an absolute wreck.

Intellectualization - Done all the time by Fendi. ‘Thinking to avoid feeling’ is one of the cornerstones of his personality. Engaging emotion logically helps take the edge off of it, and makes it easier to fold up and put away.

Isolation - They’re getting better at this, but paranoia threatens to sabotage their hard work. Isolation is safer, isn’t it? But God is it lonely, and they’re sick of being lonely. As Alfendi makes more friends, he’s relying on this less and less.

Panic attacks - Perhaps ‘inevitable’ isn’t the right word; maybe ‘expected’ is. They can work themselves up into a fear-induced frenzy that then results in a panic attack. Unfortunately, agoraphobia (one of Alfendi’s most pronounced phobias) contributes heavily to panic attacks, so this man just cannot catch a break... Thankfully, they’re quite verbal about panicking and know how to deal with it at this point.

Passive-aggression - Fendi’s societal weapon of choice. Al is typically aggressive and only that, but Fendi much prefers to simply ‘accept’ before quietly undermining the person who has raised his ire. Some of his snark is quite passive-aggressive and indirect.

Paranoia - This is the big one. This paranoia is the source of so many of his problems. It has thoroughly invaded his life and so profoundly affected his behaviour that if somehow his paranoia were to be cured, he would undergo quite a personality change. (It, however, cannot be ‘cured’.) Though Alfendi is right to be on edge due to his job, mild celebrity status, prior incidents, and those who oppose him, he takes things a bit too far. He HAS to be safe, HAS to be as unreachable as possible, and his tragic dream is that one day nobody will be able to hurt him ever again. What has happened to Alfendi has thoroughly broken his ability to trust, and no matter how much work is put into helping him take down his paranoid tendencies, it only takes one betrayal (perceived or otherwise) to make him shut down...

Phobias - Yes! The most pronounced one is agoraphobia. Though most people assume it’s a fear of open spaces, that’s just a literal translation. Fendi fears that if he’s put in danger again, he won’t be able to escape -- thus, being inside will keep him safer. Obviously both of them are terribly phobic of anything that can extensively alter the mind, and despise the thought of losing control. The mere suggestion of having someone else in command of them is enough to terrify them both. There’s more! See if you can find them all!

Projection - Occasionally an issue for Al, he’ll misplace his aggression or own vaguely murderous tendencies in someone else. Not like the murderers can exactly argue...

Psychosis - Actually, they both have this! Psychosis comes along with paranoia for the ride. Being able to tell real threats from threats spun out of imagination is not a skill they have anymore -- hence, the paranoid tendencies.

PTSD - Getting shot in the fucking chest and almost dying is pretty goddamn traumatizing. So is being manipulated and taken adantage of to be used as a scapegoat, but it’s a tossup if that can be classified as a PTSD event or C-PTSD event.

Rationalization - You ever see all of those excuses Fendi makes for keeping Al down? That’s literally this. He’s rationalizing it.

Repression - Gestures at Fendi again. This is different from suppression in that feelings are being pushed into the unconscious to never be dealt with!

Self-harm - Oops! This is never done to a life-threatening extent, but Alfendi tends to scratch at his arms when he’s losing his grip on his own thought processes or is overwhelmed. Sometimes he draws blood, sometimes he just gets his skin under his fingernails and that’s all...

Somatization - The amount of stress Alfendi has occasionally manifests into pain with no definitive origin.

Splitting - While Fendi can see shades of gray in people, occasionally Al will split on someone, seeing them as all good or all bad. This is not especially healthy and has led to several friendship collapses in the past. The splitting mechanism was inherited from the original Alfendi.

Sublimation - While Al does project his aggressive emotions onto people from time to time, he’ll also transform his urges and dedicate his aggression to other things, such as his knife-throwing hobby and cooking. 

Suicidal ideation - Fendi once had this problem. It was fixed. Now he does not want to go away, ever.

Suppression - Sometimes it’s better to just stop thinking about certain things, you know? This can be perfectly healthy, just... there’s a point where you have to stop! While Al does have a better idea of where to stop suppressing, Fendi has decided the line is way the fuck elsewhere and suppresses much more often.

Thousand-yard stare - Ever seen Al in the middle of a flashback episode? He isn’t looking at you. He isn’t looking at anything. All he can see is what he went through, and he’s not here right now. Alternatively, when either of them are having a period of extreme dissociation, you’ll see it -- that dead gaze, that soulless expression...

Triggers - Plenty of them! Screaming is one of them. Don’t scream. Thunder and gunshots, too, put them off significantly and throw them into the beginnings of a shutdown or the start of a panic. There are others...

Trust issues - OH I WONDER WHY

Violence - Al is occasionally consumed with the thought of it, and itches for the times he can commit it in the name of self-defense which is kind of terrifying! He thrives off the threats he can make and the reputation it gives him. Is it any wonder Fendi worries about the choices he might make?

Whiplash temper - Alfendi was on the receiving end of this as a child, and unfortunately there is a legacy of abuse. He used to be doing better about his temper, until his personality shattered and Al not only reverted but became slightly worse than his predecessor in that regard.

[ska-punk-nerd-daisy]

My favorite records 2010-2019

Here it is, these are my favorite 20 records of the last 10 years. Before you say "but there's no hip-hop, pop, etc. on there", I don't listen to much of that, so maybe the next 10 years I'll broaden my horizons a bit. But I chose these records based on how much I still play them if they're a little older, how they have influenced me as a musician and there's probably some personal opinion and emotion attached to them. But anyways... here it is:

1. Jeff Rosenstock - Worry.

Oh man, I remember listening to this record for the first time, I was on the road and lying on some strangers floor for the night. I remember thinking "goddamn, this thing is a masterpiece", and I think it's almost the only thing I listened to the rest of the trip. Kind of a political album of sorts, but what makes it so special is that Jeff does a great job expressing how the political turmoil effects his everyday life and it's really stuck with me.

2. The Frightnrs - Nothing More to Say

No other record on this list has influenced my current band, Well Charged 's sound more than this record. Or at least, my contribution to the band. This is the record that made us (me) want to really go for that vintage Rocksteady and Ska sound.

3. PEARS - Green Star

I'm a sucker for concept albums, and this is such a brilliantly done one at that. Smart lyrics, and perfect balance of hardcore with still great melodies. What I think I like most about Zach Quinn 's writing is that a lot of it is about self improvement and the struggle of staying mentally healthy.

4. Jeff Rosenstock - We Cool?

Jeff's first "real" album after BTMI! broke up. "Darkness Records" remains my favorite Jeff Rosenstock song.

5. The Forthrights - S/t & Camp Birdman

Again, another huge influence on what I do with Well Charged. Great band that, unfortunately wasn't around long enough. Luckily The Far East has picked up where they left off and looking forward to more from them

6. Bruce Lee Band - Everything Will Be Alright My Friend

Perfect Ska-punk record.

7. The Flatliners - Cavalcade

I hated this record at first, probably just because the band had changed their sound a bit. But I listened to it again maybe 2 years after it came out and fell in love with it, by far their best record.

8. Against Me! - Transgender Dysphoria Blues

I related to this record on such a deep and personal record when it first came out. For the longest time, I just thought it was because it touched on being weird, queer and different. It, of course, has new life and relevance for me now.

9. Chewing on Tinfoil - Marrowbone Lane

Want a punk band with piano that does it right? This record is perfect.

10. The Smith Street Band - I'm More Scared of You...

A lot of people don't like SSB anymore, and while I certainly don't approve of what Will did, I can't deny how much I love this record. I listened to it non-stop when it first came out.

11. The Slackers - S/t

The best Slackers record since Close My Eyes IMO. They got a little weird with it, adding psychedelic elements and other influences.

12. The Bennies - Rainbows in Space

Want a band that sounds like a Cali reggae/ska/punk band that does it right while respecting the roots but at the same time innovates? This is your band, and this is my favorite record of theirs. Also absolutely insane live shows.

13. Night Birds - Mutany at Muscle Beach

Perfect hardcore record. They changed drummers on this one, and I think it was a huge improvement for them. My favorite of theirs apart from Fresh Kills Vol. 1

14. The Menzingers - On the Impossible Past...

Oh man... I remember seeing them with Teenage Bottlerocket in Atlanta right after this came out. In a failing relationship, this record hit me HARD. I think I cried their whole set.

15. The Skints - Part and Parcel

The first Skints record that I really got into. To this day, there still isn't another band that sounds like them.

16. Classics of Love - S/t

Operation Ivy vet Jesse Michaels doing super fast hardcore and ska punk. What's not to love?

17. PUP - Morbid Stuff

Ok, I think this is their best record. I think I listened to this thing nonstop all year. Pretty sure Angela Feathers is sick of it.

18. Victor Rice - Smoke

Great ska/reggae instrumental, mixing Latin music. Has weird time signatures and stuff too. Nothing else sounds like this.

19. Obi Fernandes - Confessions, Waves and the Garden State

Obi Fernandez of Westbound Train backed by Cali Roots band the Expanders. A must listen for fans of either band.

20. The Lollies - Potential

So underrated, and I reiterate what I said about Zachs songwriting earlier.

[doomednarrative]

2018: A (Personal) Year in Review

I put off writing in general so much, but I’ve put off this particular post long enough. 

And no, this isn’t about the general world or the country. It’s about my personal life, and it’s mainly a vent/personal rambling post, so I’ll put under a read more. If you don’t care to read it, that’s totally fine. 

But anyways. Here we go: 

2018 was...a fuckin ride, to put it in simplest terms. 

For those who are new and unaware, lemme briefly bring you up to speed about the end of 2017 for me, cause it’s important to the context of this entire thing:

December 17th of 2017, when I was on my third day home for Christmas break from college, I packed a backpack, and I left my dad and stepmom’s house for good. 

Their house had been abusive for years, and my mental health was in the absolute tank in college. I was feeling casually suicidal and had a full on breakdown about having to come home for winter break. After a fight I got into that night with my stepmom after she found me texting some friends on Discord (which I wasn’t supposed to have, even tho I was almost 19 and an adult at the time,) she got Pissed, and so did I. I had finally had a group of friends who supported me and helped me out so much, and I didn’t want to loose them. And I couldn’t stand the abuse, the treatment of me like I was a child with no privacy or personal autonomy, the constant pushing for me to date my one long time friend and to be straight, or my parent’s inability to accept me as their son and not their daughter any longer. 

I was given a choice, and told if I decided to leave, I wasn’t welcome back. A few months before, my best friend had said that their parents had a safe space for me to go if I ever needed it. They had been aware of how bad some things had been with my parents and feared for the worst, so they offered me a home if it came down to that. And that night, it came down to that choice. 

I packed one backpack of stuff I was allowed to bring (solely because it was stuff I bought) and I walked to my friends mom’s house, and by the next morning, I was at her dad’s house, safe and sound. 

2018 became the year of learning how to be an adult in a house that treated me as one, and in a house that didn’t put my personal safety and mental health in danger. 

2018 was...well, it was simultaneously the worst and best year of my life. 

Early on, I could tell my parents weren’t going to let my off easy for leaving. My mom wasn’t a problem, she had been out of my life for almost two years at that point, and hadn’t attempted to make contact with me for a long time. 

But my dad and my stepmom? Oh, they were determined to make my life as bas as they could while not being physically around me. 

First thing they did? They tried to take all of my possessions from my dorm at college without my knowledge, because they thought that They owned that stuff. I only found this out because I called the college to formally drop out and ask when I could pick up my stuff, and they informed me my parents were already planning on picking up my stuff for me. 

Me and my now adoptive parents ended up making an impromptu trip, four hours up and four hours back, that night to my college campus to make sure that I could get my possessions before they could. And we were successful.

Next thing my dad did to screw me over after moving out? 

That bastard stole about 700$ from a joint bank account I had with him to use for college. That was money I earned from about 7 months of work at my summer food truck job. And he took it because he legally could since it was a joint account, and didn’t tell me. i found out when I went into the bank to withdraw that money and open a separate account. 

So I was starting off the year with already some setbacks. 

Thankfully, I Was able to replace my birth certificate and social security card relatively easily, so that was in my favor at least. 

Then, come my birthday on January 26 last year, I got a letter. Two letters to be specific. One from my stepmom, and one from my dad. 

Both were full of manipulation and guilt tripping language and just. Gaslighting and more emotional abuse. They had somehow gotten my address from when I had set up my separate bank account and changed my information in the bank system.  And they decided to send me abusive shit as a birthday present. 

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt a lot. 

They continued to try to do stuff like that. They called me multiple times from different numbers, they called police on my adoptive family to say that I was crazy and that my parents were like. concerned for my safety because i had blocked their phone numbers after the first two phone calls. They texted me from different numbers, just. A lot of different bullshit. 

February was the first time I saw my dad since leaving. I had gone to a screening of Love Simon, as it was really important to me, and somehow thru some stalkery methods, he knew i was there and he confronted me in the theater lobby after the film. (When I asked how he found me there, his answer was ‘I have my ways.’ I never posted about this encounter when it originally happened.)

He proceeded to be transphobic to me in public, demeaning me and humiliating me in front of everyone in the theater, told me I was the reason my siblings were now in therapy (which is a lie, my brother was already in therapy for anxiety long before I left), calling me crazy, telling my adoptive mother that I “needed help” and that “she’ll outstay her welcome.” He said a lot of awful things, and eventually I left the theatre in tears after screaming at him that I was his son and that this shit was why I left in the first place, and that he should go fuck himself.

Thankfully, I didn’t see him for months afterword, not til october, right before I left my retail job that he and my stepmom found out I worked at. I saw my stepmom three times at that job, once with my siblings (which is the only time I’ve seen them since leaving and that was. Very hard to deal with and a very emotional time), and twice without my siblings. The times she came without them, she was an absolute fucking asshole to me, still spewing her abusive rhetoric about how I was in the wrong for leaving, and how my father did nothing wrong when he saw me in February. 

She and my father only left me alone after I told them that I would not get into an argument while I was on the clock, and that if they didn’t leave I’d call the store security guard. 

After that, they haven’t done anything else. Yet. We’ll see what 2019 holds. 

But, aside from the bullshit with my parents, 2018 had its other ups and downs. More ups than downs, but it still had it’s rough moments. 

I got a job in early May as a sales associate/cashier/fitting room attendant for a well known Coat Factory chain store. 

That job was pure fuckin hell, and I’m glad I don’t work there anymore. The last week that I was supposed to work there before leaving for my new job, I got pulled into the side office by the manager on duty (she wasn’t an actual manager, she just had closing priviledges) and she Screamed at me about how a customer complained about me, she hated me, my coworkers all hated me, all three of my managers hated me, and how she was tired of my attitude and how she couldn’t wait til I was fuckin gone. The whole issue that night had started because of her and how she couldn’t properly communicate to me where she wanted me to be that night and what duties she wanted me handling. She took out her frusteration at her own mistakes on me, and I had had enough. I stood my ground with her and didn’t let her walk all over me, but I went home that night, bawled for about two hours because being yelled at is a trigger for me, and she had been all in my personal space like she was going to hit me, and then I emailed my general manager the next day and told her she could replace me for my last two shifts and I wouldn’t be coming in for them. 

I haven’t stepped foot in that goddamned store since I left that night. 

I have a different job now. I work as an overnight personal care assistant at a nursing home, but it’s a higher end one, and it’s not bad. It can be stressful and super draining at times, but enviornmentally its a better job than the retail one ever was, so it’s good. 

My mental health has been a wild ride as well. I won’t get into the full details here, but let just say that uh. I’m 99% sure that I’m both ADHD and autistic, and I’m thinking I have some form of ptsd as well from years of trauma shit. I’m not suicidal anymore, but I have bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes anger that last for days to weeks at a time. It’s...rough, to say the least. And dysphoria doesn’t help any of that. 

But I’m alive and fighting, and that’s the important part. 

Not everything this year has been bad tho. There’s been a fair amount of good too, and I’m greatful for it. 

December 23rd I celebrated my first year aniversary with @curious-corvids, and i couldn’t be happier about that. He’s been there thru this Entire ride, and he’s been such a positive force in my life, and I hope to keep him around for years to come. 

Similarly, March 18th this year will be my one year aniversary with @sinclair-solutions, and that I’m immensely happy about as well. They’re such a wonderful person and just. i’m very lucky to have them, I really am. they’ve also been here thru everything, and I could never thank then enough for that. 

I made some friends in the past few months that I can’t imagine what my days would be like without them in it. Kathy, Jay, Fi, and Evan are such great people, and I’m lucky to have them around. 

I got the chance to meet Ren, Lu and Erin in person for the first time at DragonCon, and went to both my first comic convention and my first out of state trip alone with them, and it was honestly the best five days of my life. I can’t wait to do that again with them this year. 

I’ve been steadily improving at art this year and took commissions for the first time, and that’s been a very fun thing to do. 

I’m actually able to like. Afford to buy things for myself and spend my money without interferance, and thats such a change from how my parents used to control my finances. 

Overall 2018 was just..a wild ride. 

2019 is sure to bring better things. With luck this month, I should be starting the process of legally changing my name, and that will be a very freeing thing to do. 

I turn 20 on January 26th, and just. 

I didn’t think I’d actually make it to 20. That’s a personal milestone for me, to have made it this far. 

Whatever this new year brings tho, here’s to hoping it goes better than 2018. 

Here’s to hoping I’m better this year than I was last year. 

[mentaldisordercartooncharac-blog]

The trickiest thing about tumblr is its level of anonymity, and the ability it gives a person to not be entirely truthful about who they are. You can be whoever you want to be! Nobody will know. You can roleplay anyone and no one can question you. In most cases, this is a good thing. Protecting one’s privacy is important, especially online. But in a lot of cases, it creates awkward situations where you might need to question the legitimacy of someone’s claim because they’re dropping red flags that they’re lying just to have an excuse to be abusive and avoid criticism, but in doing so you risk being labeled -phobic or -ist or a horrible person in general for daring to invalidate someone’s experience or abuse.

so when I see someone throwing a tantrum all over ship tags and equating shippers with pedophiles, while blatantly misusing that word in the same sentence as claiming to be CSA survivors themselves, that really makes me doubt that they’re being entirely truthful about their trauma, and that they’re likely just making up some story out of the mistaken assumption it will add some legitimacy to their false accusations. If you were really a victim of child sexual abuse, you wouldn’t belittle it so candidly just for a cheap attempt at policing strangers on the internet, you wouldn’t exploit it as a manipulation tactic, and you’d have a little more respect for the term (and actual survivors of it) and use it appropriately.

that goes for the transtrender thing too. Believe it or not, I dislike transphobes and terfs as much as the next guy, but when it seems like being a trans guy is the new iteration of last decade’s empty boast of “not like other girls”, and then seeing so many teenagers on here who have clearly never experienced dysphoria in their lives and are solely using that identity as a means to shit on girls for shipping the wrong ship and backing up their reasoning with “well AS A GAY MAN~~ I’M TELLING YOU HOW STUPID YOU ARE BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY A GAY MAN THEREFORE I’M THE ULTIMATE AUTHORITY ON GAY MEN,” you’ll see why I’m so doubtful of a lot of people about who they claim to be. I doubt actual trans men would dedicate such a large portion of their leisure time to yelling at strangers on the internet over inane trivia, because I’m assuming they’d have bigger fish to fry, and actual real life problems to worry about. And probably also a considerable level of empathy on the subject of bullying and harassment, so…needless to say, that sort of behavior would likely be, erm…beneath them. Also, maybe let’s not appropriate that identity, because I imagine it’s demeaning to actual trans guys and the shit they’ve had to go through when all you’ve done is tapped off a hasty afterthought of pronouns in your bio and then assume to speak for them.

There’s also the implication it carries that it’s apparently a lot more beneficial on this site to be othergendered than it is to be female, that we’re still stuck in this shitty online culture where being female is still considered unfashionable and the Absolute Worst Possible Thing a person can be and that claiming to be anything but female is ideal, but that’s a conversation for another time. It’s just, illuminating, I suppose. 

Don’t think I don’t feel bad for pointing this out. I really don’t intend to invalidate anyone’s identity or past abuse, but when it seems like most of you are simply using those labels as weapons for the lone purpose of being huge steaming shitbags to people in fan spaces, you’ll understand why I can’t really take anyone seriously, and why my knee-jerk reaction on this site is to immediately disbelieve that anyone is really who they say they are and not just catfishing for catfishing’s sake. It’s a red flag that goes up whenever someone makes claims as to their identity or education or general worldly experience, when everything about their personality and claims suggest otherwise. Like CSA survivors misusing the word pedophilia, presumed law students making serious accusations of federal crimes with absolutely no evidence to corroborate it, trans people whose only motivation to be on this site is bullying and harassment. 

Pardon if I’m way off base here, I don’t mean to assume what might be considered “normal” behavior for any of these groups of people, but these traits seem a little out of character for those identities, so you’ll forgive me for my skepticism. I think a lot of people here are exaggerating a little about who they say they are. I know it must have been unpleasant, but accidentally stumbling across your parents’ porn stash doesn’t make you a CSA survivor. Occasionally attending a paralegal night class at your local community college for burnouts and recent divorcees doesn’t make you a law student. If you really want to make a convincing case for any of these things that you kids are impersonating, you need to start…well, playing the part a little more convincingly. You’re too obvious in your lie. 

So just a little litmus test the next time you find yourself arrogantly opening any rebuttal with “As a _______, I’m telling you with unassailable authority that you’re wrong/immoral/harmful for liking this thing”, perhaps delete that and try again with something a little more substantial. Because for any of you that haven’t yet made it to sophomore-level debate class, that is a fallacy called “Appeal to Authority,” and it fails from the start because it assumes an individual’s dubious claim on an identity/experience gives them justification to speak for all people in that group. 

This is flawed because it doesn’t rule out the imperfections of personal bias or intersectionality. Instead of using your identity to condescendingly explain why you’re right, try using factual evidence or actual statistics from reliable sources and studies rather than anecdotal evidence. We’re in a post-truth world now (in case any of you haven’t peeked out from under the tumblr-echo-chamber-induced rock you all obviously like to hide under and haven’t noticed), and you’d do best to not contribute to it if you want anyone to take you even remotely seriously when you claim to represent the rights of all those innocents and Others that make up the downtrodden minority of society. Just remember, anecdotal evidence cannot be proven, and it’s useless because literally anyone can just make up some bullshit and apply it to a situation to make themselves look right. 

You know who else does this? Donald Trump. Donald Trump and his lackeys. This little missive is directed mostly at fandom antis, but this can apply to anyone on here who claims to be of any left-leaning persuasion: maybe don’t do that, because you start looking like the very people you claim to oppose, and it weakens every argument you’ll ever make. And I have faith in all of you, that you’re better than that. That you’re smarter than that. Even if your anecdotal evidence is true, it’s inadmissible because it can’t be proven. And it shouldn’t be, for that matter, because you don’t owe that to anyone. All it’s going to do is result in some asshole at some point coming out with their own anecdotal data that’s made up or highly embellished for the sole purpose of belittling yours, and then you’re at an impasse because A) you just spilled your most painful, humiliating memories in vain and B) you either have to acknowledge both accounts or acknowledge neither, and everybody loses. You’ve achieved nothing.

So we’re not here to play oppression olympics or win edgiest blogger award. There’s this really gross thing about tumblr where people are pressured into exposing their traumatic histories and deeply personal information in order to validate enjoyment of their fucking hobbies, and in turn it inspires the children harassing them to “beat the score” or whatever, and that’s when you have them firing back with really dubious accounts of their own, more seriouser trauma that makes them totally righter than you!!! (and is in actuality just a regurgitation of a Law & Order episode they saw once, and very obviously never fucking happened). Fake Tumblr Stories are everywhere, we all know this, we’ve all encountered plenty, but you’re not allowed to question the veracity of any of them or you risk being labeled an abuse apologist or victim blamer or something.

That’s fucking psychotic. Someone shouldn’t have to bleed their darkest moments to some snot-nosed 16 year old brat just to keep from being harassed or falsely reported as a pedophile, and some asshole who arrogantly self-identifies as the fucking moral police shouldn’t be so obsessed with getting the last word on trivial nonsense that they feel obligated to play this woker-than-thou pissing contest with people who have experienced *actual* trauma. I mean, do you kids not see how completely unhinged this behavior is? You children need to be fucking sedated. You’re goddamn nuts. I fear for the day we have to rely on you assholes in the job market, because you’re just gunna fuck everything up. You’ll always be failures. You’ll make a trainwreck of everything.

For lack of a better word,

Yikes. 

Anyway, the point is just a reminder that your identity shouldn’t be relevant when you’re trying to prove a logical point or have any of your arguments taken seriously, if you really are right or justified in your stance. If your argument has any basis in sustainable fact, then your gender/orientation/mental illness/personal history will have no impact whatsoever. So lying about them really isn’t worth it and gains nothing. Just be yourself! I know at the tender ages of ~14-20 you’re desperate to be recognized for how unique you are and you’re struggling to be celebrated as a special individual when you’ve done absolutely nothing, but realistically…that’s a pretty tall order, there are like 7 billion people on the planet, so nothing you can make up about yourself will ever really be that impressive. Stop trying so hard and enjoy your fucking childhood.

And if you find you can’t make a stable argument without using a desperate appeal to authority like that, then maybe you should reassess your stance on things because chances are, it’s because you’re wrong. 

[invinciblerodent]

Hey, why is it that making a character bi when they're straight is good, and when the reverse happens it's bad? Feel free not to answer if people have been stressing you out with this, but, I'm a pansexual male and I don't really understand why installing for example bi sera mods out of convenience is bad. My friend said its gross but wouldn't it all be gross? Thanks in advance. (Not trying to imply anything, just confused, I am not going to install bi sera mods)

I feel like I should add a reaction image here just to break up the monotony of the text, but I don’t think there is one in my library that would accurately represent what I’m thinking.

Okay. This has been talked about for years at this point, and not to be rude, but if you’re still confused, it’s because you have been either not paying attention, or are actively avoiding the topic. You are asking me to redo the emotional labor that has already been done, by people much more qualified than I am, and is readily available if you just take the time to look for the answer to your questions.

But, I realize that not everyone has been around for the past few years, so I’ll give you the benefit of a doubt, and I’ll try my best to explain it in a concise manner. I’m still not an asshole.

(Full disclosure, I say these things as a white, bisexual cis woman whose long term partner is a white, straight cis man. I experience just about as many privileges as a queer person possibly can, and I highly recommend you look into the thoughts and work of creators of color, and the people who are most harmed by this specific issue. This has not been spoken of for a while now so they may be deep within people’s blogs, but if you really care about the answer, you can spare the ~hour or so that it will take to hunt down enough sources to form an understanding. It’s not my job to do your research for you, I’ll just give a summary of it.)

The simplest way I can describe it is with a somewhat clunky metaphor I’ve read about this like a year ago.

Imagine that you have a plate of cookies. Those are all the instances m/f love is seen in media, all the prince charmings and lovely princesses, all the cartoons, games, movies, books that feature a romantic subplot between a male and a female protagonist. Take away one or two, chances are, you don’t even notice that they are gone. You don’t care, you still have enough.

Now imagine that you have one or two cookies. Those are all the instances openly LGBT+ identities are shown in mainstream media. It’s only a few, but it is all you have. And if you must go hungry for someone else to have one more cookie, you will notice.

I don’t like to liken identities to food, but this is the most straightforward way to say it that I can think of.

The thing about the bi Sera and bi Dorian mods in particular (and tbh I find it rather gross to call those mods “bi mods”, they’re more like “availability mods”, they don’t make them bisexual, they just make them romantically available for player characters of another gender) is simply that, unlike mods making originally straight characters somehow LGBT+ (which does not, in any way, undermine the heteronormativity of mainstream media, and especially the shockingly homophobic and sexist boys’ club that the AAA video game industry can be), it is not creating representation where there is none. It is taking away already existing representation with the intent of making SGA characters attracted to genders they normally would not be attracted to.

It’s not created with the intent of carving out a place in which you could see yourself. It’s created because you were told “no”, and you can’t take rejection.

Remember, if you don’t think representation matters, it is because you are already represented.

Those characters are already part of a marginalized group, a sexual minority if you will, and it is part of their identity- which is especially important to people who identify with those characters. The existence of a character like Sera, who is a fully realized lesbian with a happy ending and an actual character arc not revolving around her sexuality, in a big budget AAA game, can be especially important to people who identify as lesbians. Dorian, a gay man whose story actually deals with issues related to his sexuality, is also especially important to people who may have experienced the same- being told by guardians, people they have loved and respected, that who they are, who they love, is an imperfection to be changed.

To put it simply, bi mods for already marginalized characters take away representation from the groups they were created for. And that’s especially gross in the case of mods like bi Sera, bi Dorian (and somewhere down the line I’m SURE there’s gonna be bi Gil and bi Suvi, and at that point all hell will break loose again) because it echoes what so many gay- and lesbian-identifying people have heard over and over their whole lives: That you must conform. You must enter an other sex relationship to be good enough. You must make yourself accessible to me, specifically me, for me to love you and accept you. Who you are is imperfect; let me fix you. (And let’s not even go into implications of conversion therapy, corrective r*pe, the fucking Russian concentration camps for gay men, and all those other delectable issues that are still present in the year of our lord 2017, because I’m SO not qualified to talk about any of this- really, fkin google it. There are so many excellently written articles just within this community, it’s really not hard to find.)

“Bi mods” are not creating representation for us bisexuals. It’s telling gay men and lesbian women that they are not good enough, that they must change, and they must conform to be worthy of romantic love, because someone who claims to love them cannot be assed to make their fictional avatar of the gender that they are attracted to. It’s hurtful, and damaging, and a disgusting mistreatment of not just the characters, but the people they represent.

You see where I’m going with this? Doing the same to a straight character, while I personally don’t intend to do it because I have no problem playing a character whose gender identity is not the same as mine (for others it may trigger feelings of gender dysphoria, or any number of unpleasant feelings, so really I get it), is coping. It’s clawing out a small, imperfect place for yourself where there was none. It does not harm or affect straight people, it does not tell them that they must change to be loved.

Context in this specific issue is key. You can’t just take the whole thing out of the sociocultural environment in which it exists. You cannot examine these things in a vacuum, take them by the numbers, and just ignore all the times LGBT+ people have seen, and heard, and experienced the same rejection before.

Bi mods for gay characters are made because you can’t take it when you are told “no”.

Bi mods for straight characters are made because sometimes all the representation you can get is what you make for yourself.

There is a goddamn profound difference.

[everythinghskin-blog]

(Feel free to delete this if u want) Positivity for a Bro who is just,, in the worst possible mood? Dysphoria hit me p hard, my depression kicked in, and I had some pretty depressing kin memories earlier. And Ive been shot down by six blogs when i requested some positivity, so I guess that dropped my mood a lot? Thank ya. - Bro

hey bro, its mod raven here. I just wanna say first of all your cool as shit. this is fact, no one can argue this with me and those blogs were due as hell for turning you down, I am sorry you had to deal with that. its a real issue in the community that should be dealt with and i am sorry that your suffering because of it. you are not your actions, not in this life and its unfair of people to treat you that way.

As for the dysphoria thing, that ones hard. I am trans myself so i feel you. sometimes theres not much that can be done. it just hurts but a few things i have learned help a lot are: makeup!! make yourself look however the hell you want! and if you cant youtube can teach you how! supplies can be hard to come by but if you have any that can be great.

Working out sometimes helps for me. the sting and adriniline  of getting something done and improving myself makes me feel waaaay better.

and hey if all else fails let me be the first to tell you that you are 110% valid however you idnify! you rock in any colors you bear!!

depression sucks major ass, theres no denying that. I am sure you have heard lots of things about ways to cope and some may or may not work but the few i would like to throw in are: self care fucking rocks, even if its just making your favorite food and rewatching your favorite show.as stupid as it is to hear, fresh air helps to. even just opening a window.

Kin stuff can be hard but a big thing to remember is that its a different life. that was in the. those pains cant hurt you here and those actions cant follow you. you have a change every morning to do, be and feel different then in any canon. memories can be hard, but thats all they are anymore memories. they cant control or hurt you no matter how much it may feel like they can so hold your head high and dont let them drag you down!

I hope this helped bro and hey if it didnt feel free to request for mod doomeddirk to do it. I just wanted to try and help!! have a good one cause you sure as hell deserve it!!

~mod raven

So as it turns out, both me and Raven had some stuff to say about this! So I’m gonna tag my bit of advice onto the end:

So firstly, for the dysphoria; I’ve got a couple requests in the past to deal with this, so I’d love to point your attention to these three posts. I’ve talked a lot about trying to deal with dysphoria when things are getting rough, so try taking what you can from those posts whenever dysphoria starts trying to kick your ass. Just remember to be firm in yourself and your identity; ask the people closest to you to repeat your chosen names and pronouns as much as they can, whisper to yourself over and over your chosen identity to make it stick in your mind, maybe look at some fanart you associate with yourself and keep telling yourself “that’s still me”. Anything can help, big or small. You’ve got this, dude. You’re badass enough to handle this and more, and come out the other side even stronger than before.

As for the depression… o h man do I understand that. Depressive slumps are the goddamn worst. I’m not sure how it gets to you most, but in general, remember to eat regularly, and eat well. Eating junk food at 3am usually makes your depression worse. Have people remind you and force you to abide by that if you can. Remember to bathe and change your clothes as often as possible - because That Depressed Feel when basic hygene gets too much, but it really, really does help to revitalize you after you’ve stared at the shower wall for half an hour, and suddenly you actually feel half alive when you’re in clean clothes. Watch things that make you happy, do any sort of self care thing you can think of, talk to people and take comfort in them as much as you can - anything can help a depressive slump. Even just going into rabb.it and looking at dildos for an hour while laughing at your friends’ reactions can help; it doesn’t need to be big or impressive. And make sure you sleep on time. Depression kicks your ass when it comes to sleep, and staying up late just makes it worse. Again, have people remind you and make you sleep if you need it. Looking after yourself is so, so important right now, Bro.

The kin memories suck, and sadly, there’s not much you can do about them. Don’t forget them. Forgetting them usually just leads to them rising up again at the worst time. Leave them to one side, and remember happier things instead. Focus on the good you recall - maybe not even from the same canon, if you have multiple; try and find the memories that stick out to you most as happy, and cling to them - and just quietly tell yourself that even if the bad was there, it’s not enough to outweigh the good. Talk to someone about them if possible - talking about them can help take the weight from them, the emotional drain - and honestly? If it helps, try to disconnect yourself from them. They’re just memories. They suck, they affect you, yeah, but they’re still just memories. Things in the past. Whatever happened in them, you can improve upon. You’ve got a whole new life to make up for all the crap that happened before - so every time you get a depressing memory, firmly tell yourself, “it’s okay. I can make it better this time”.

As for those blogs - and please excuse my language - but fuck them, honestly? I agree with Mod Raven. There is no reason why you should have been shot by down them, Bro. You deserve help and positivity as much as anyone else. You’re just as deserving, just as wonderful, just as perfect, as anyone else. Those blogs suck. Ignore them, ignore the way they shot you down, tell yourself “I’m just too good for them”, and focus on the people and the blogs who are there for you. We’re happy to help here, Bro. We’ve got your back, and we are more than happy to remind you of how awesome you are, how strong, for getting through everything you’re dealing with and still trying to keep going. Look at what you just told me! Dysphoria, depression, awful memories, and a mood drop because you kept getting shot down when you asked for help. And yet you kept going, you’re staying strong, and you got here. Dude, that’s way more than I could have done. I crack as soon as I get bad memories and depression at once, let alone all of that. You are so goddamn strong, dude. That’s hella admirable.

In the end? Bro, you’ve got this. You can handle anything that comes your way - have handled everything, and without blaming anyone for it, from the tone of this ask, despite you having every right to be mad/upset about being shot down by other blogs - and honestly? When everything settles down, it’s gonna be okay again. I promise, dude. Everything is gonna be better than fine.

And just so you know - we’re always here if you need anything. Anything at all.

- Mod DoomedDirk

[speakingintothedarkness]

Old Memes and Memories

Hnn.... It’s been a while. 

Still with Liz. Briefly dated a trans girl long distance over teh interwebs but it went downhill. 

Still... grappling with gender, even though I’m way more comfortable with being not-cis than I was last time we talked about this, dear internet. 

I read a thing today. Its keeping me awake, and I have this weird feeling that if I tried to talk to anyone about it, it’d come off as... either inscrutible, offensive, or both.

Ugh it’s embarassing really. Fucking Homestuck. I know, what is this 2015? But seriously I had read that entire trashfire of a webcomic when it was being released and I only just learned about the epilogues so I figured I’d read that. 

It’s a bit weird. Go figure, right? Hussie is a weird dude who leans into his weirdness even harder than Dan Shive does. The entire thing is framed around a dichotemy, a choice that one character makes and all the action that follows comes from that choice. You get to make that choice for that character, but the story only really makes sense if you do it both ways. And, perhaps typically, even though this is the epilogue to a vast spanning story, somehow it’s not even really about tying up the loose ends. In fact, it leaves you with more than you started. The antagonist of the epilogue isn’t even the villain that was built up throughout the run of the comic and then never directly addressed. 

But that’s not what’s bothering me. What’s bothering me is, of course, the trans question. 

In one of the two branching timelines, a character comes out as trans. In that timeline, he is given time to examine his gender with an understanding partner and winds up deciding on a full transition to being male. 

...but in the other timeline, the same character winds up being married to a straight dude and remains a woman, has kids and basically... goes as straight cis as she can. And its really hard to say which version of them is happier in the end. A bunch of shit goes terribly for both versions (either/both ways, this was not a happily ever after for pretty much anyone involved), but both versions wind up soliloquizing about how they struggled with their gender and are happy with where they wound up. 

This... is a thing that as a tran myself I know I’m supposed to be foaming at the mouth over. Implying that trans is a thing you can choose to be, implying that, if things had gone differently you might wish to not be what you are, even if specifically asked about it... these are cardinal sins. 

And certainly for some people, they’ve known on some level who they were their entire life. But... I am not one of them. I can point to the exact moments in time that pushed me towards this self-realization, three sentences that various people have said to me, and two life-decisions that culminated in me being forced to examine what all this meant. So I guess since I can’t sleep and this is a self-indulgent exercise to begin with, it’s mOtHerFuKiNg StOrY tImE hOnK! 

The first moment that led me down this road, the point that planted the first proto-seed of thought about my gender in my mind was, perhaps predictably, about a game. In this case a long-standing DnD game I’d played with my OC friends in the early days of my relationship with C before she decided she hated them and didn’t want me to spend time with them and that’s own fucking rabbit hole. 

In our game, our characters had become so intrinsically involved in the politics of the nation our game was set in, that we realized that going on adventures was irresponsible and might cause irreparable harm to the world. So rather than end the game, we statted up our characters’ children. To make things interesting, we randomized who got who. To my (at the time) mild dismay, I drew a girl, When I showed the others my slip of paper with the name “Tamora” written on it, one of my friends snorted “God, it’ll be hard to imagine you playing a princess.” And it.... stung. It hurt in a  way I’d never before experienced. My first brush with a now all-too-familiar sense of dysphoria. As if there were a part of me I’d never before examined that had its ego crushed. I don’t remember how I responded. 

Thing is, I played Tamora like a fucking champ. And no one ever made another comment about me playing a girl. I think I’d proven that I could convincingly play any role I wanted to. 

Which brings us to the second sentence. I’ve talked about this here before, a friend on an online game admitting to me that the gender of her character did not align with the one she was assigned at birth. It was both shocking and enticing. In a way its laughable now (we’ll probably get around to why) but at the time, I just sorta assumed that... I’d be able to tell? And S was...  she was as female and feminine as anyone I’d ever met. I’d never wondered for an instant. 

And those two things... those two moments. The pang of hurt, the desire to be perceived as a girl; and the sudden realization that there was a venue where that might be possible. That lead me to make the first of those life choices: creating a female character, deliberately this time, and dive into her so thoroughly that there were times where I was’t sure where she ended and I began. 

Things got a bit weird in all this. I mean, people asked me questions about myself ooc and I would answer as if I were a girl. Hell  I even gave myself a name in all that. Karen, if you can believe it. Its not the name I’m currently using. Who the fuck would name themselves Karen in 2018-19 right? 

But ultimately none of that really mattered, I’d so thoroughly compartmentalized my brain throughout all this that barely anything of my character in the Game leaked into my real life or vice versa. For all intents and purposes, “Karen” who played the game and the me who did everything else were two entirely separate people. 

And yet some of it must have seeped through because C noticed. Or at least, I’m pretty sure she did. She knew I was playing the Game, but I never talked about my character or her gender. She knew that that rp involved romantic and sexual subplots, but I never discussed them with her, nor she her own sex-rp’s with me. It was a sorta tacit polyamory with very specific confines that we’d agreed to in a purely theoretical sense some years back and then adhered to rigidly in practice while determiniedly never talking about it. 

But for all the fucked up shit, she knew me well, maybe better than anyone other than Liz has. I mean, we were a couple of woke 20-somethings in the Obama era, so lgbt issues were pretty forefront at the time. Guess they still are, we were just a lot more... hopeful about it. But she kept sending me articles about trans people. Like, human interest articles. 

There was one in specific that she got really... enthusiastic about, about this one trans-woman’s journey to self-discovery through WoW. C read part of the article to me out loud, culminating when the person in the article was confronted by her wife: “You can be a girl if you want to be”. She kinda repeated that a couple times, looking at me hard. And in retrospect, yeah, it wasn’t fucking subtle. But at the time... it was not a thing I was willing to examine. Like fuck, honestly I think there was a part of me that knew. I mean there had to be at that point, right? But I didn’t want to pursue it irl. I think I made up my mind that it would be something I’d approach the same time that I approached the poly question that was inevitably hanging over C and I at that same time: after we were married. So I just nodded and went “Huh, interesting” with a straight face as my at-the-time girlfriend all but told me that if I wanted to come out to her, she’d be okay with it. 

Never got a chance to see if she really would have been.

After we broke up, all this shit got put so far back on the back burner that... well hell, go back and read my first few posts if you have the fortitude to stand a lot of bitching. Like way more than I’m doing now. 

And I mean the funny thing was I was still playing the Game I just sorta figured that once... I got another girlfriend, that’d have to stop? That who and what I was in the game would stop mattering. Because I was monogamous right? Just like I was male and straight, and the fact that my character was none of those things meant that I’d have to put her out to pasture. So it didn’t matter that I’d been playing a lesbian ethical slut for the past five, six years, because once I was in another sanctioned cishet relationship, I’d have to put all this foolishness behind me and never speak of it to anyone ever again. 

Goddess alone knows if I even could have but I would have tried. I suspect it would have gone badly.

Instead... by almost comicallly random happenstance, I wound up with a poly girl. And after some initial winging about whether or not I wanted that, a part of my brain I’d been ignoring went, “Hey dumbfuck! You never cared when A--- slept around or when E--- was in another relationship, why should it matter to you that CR has a boyfriend?” 

And the rest of my brain took a second to process that and was like “E--- and A--- weren’t involved with me irl, only my character in the game.” 

And the first part was like “Oh yeah, smart girl, if that wasn’t a thing you wanted on some level than how come you fucking jumped into it with both feet in the game?”

And the rest of me rejoined rejoined, “I suppose you have a p--wait! smart girl?”

“Oh yeah, that’s a thing too. You probably better process that because this whole fucking thing is tied together like a goddamn giftbasket of deviancy. Good luck having anything resembling a normal life once you’re done untangling it”

And at that point there was no turning back. I’ve dragged my feet certainly, not... as much out of a sense of general reluctance as a bunch of worries about how my family (who I’m still reliant upon) will take it. But once that realization had occured there was no putting that bunny back in the box. 

Which I guess brings me to my point, if one can even say I have one. 

In a lot of ways this whole misadventure seems less like something that was always there and more like... a memetic virus that somehow burrowed into my brain, incubated for a few years and then burst forth from my skull like some horrifying amalgam of Athena and a chestburster. Like, if I had pulled a dude’s name from that hat... would literally any of this happened? If my friend hadn’t admitted that she was experimenting with gender herself would it have occurred to me to try? If I hadn’t created that first female online character, would I still think I was a man? Would I still be a man? I mean that’s the crux of all this. In the fucking Homestuck epilogue, is candyverse Roxy still a man like they are in the meatverse? Sorry, spoilers I guess. To them, the only real difference is an opportunity to prioritize their own self expression and gender identity. But Candyverse Roxy still has put thought into those things, just because of how and when they had the time to do so, she arrived at a different conclusion than he did in the other timeline. 

And yes, I know that the Meatverse is considered more cannon than the candyverse, and yes, Roxy is the only character  in the meatverse who isn’t being manipulated by Dirk’s mind meddling and therefore we can safely say that his epiphanies regarding his gender are genuine, more truthful and relevant to the character than the weirdness going on in the Candyverse. 

But... where does that leave me. Obviously we’re playing the  “what if” game on a weird scale here but, what if that series of events hadn’t occured? Would I still wind up roughly where I am, genderwise, by a different rout? Or would I have continued to labor under the false assumption that I was a dude... and would that assumption in this case even be false by any empirical standard? That’s the question that’s kept me up tonight. 

I think I can safely say that by the time I had constructed this Karen figment that it was a foregone conclusion. But.... if either of those two inciting incidents had gone differently... Ugh... I don’t know. I feel like some people would want to take my trans card away from me for even suggesting that there’s a universe out there where I’m happily continuing to think I’m a dude. Maybe there is... but ultimately it’s not relevent or true for me, because its not a thing that I can go back to now. In short: it’s simply not cannon.