#dynamic signal analyzers

[constelli1122]

Constelli - A Signal Processing Company in Defense and Aerospace

Constelli is a signal processing company solving problems in Defense and Aerospace fields.

[moonstruckme]

i want this to be a series even if i'm the only one who will read it

would you do more royal!au sirius x reader??? please??? i mean the fluff and the banter alone are ripe for more situations but the smut of banging in a castle in formal wear or the angst of some great big political problem??? i'm here for it allllllll

only if you're interested in it

Absolutely I would! Thanks for requesting lovely ;)

cw: nausea, controlling family dynamics

prince!Sirius x princess!reader ♡ 2.1k words

You lie atop your bed, rubbing the sheets between your thumb and pointer finger. You estimate their thread count is about ten gazillion. The duvet piled by your feet is probably stuffed with feathers of a goose hatched from a golden egg and raised with a silver spoon right here in the palace. It all makes you feel slightly nauseous to think about. 

Though in fairness, the nausea could be from any number of things. The several courses of rich foods you had to force down over dinner with the Black family, the way Sirius’ eyes seemed to flicker every time they passed over you, the many, many hours of memorization you’d put in only to set your fork on the wrong edge of the plate when you wanted to signal you were finished eating, or perhaps the conversation you had with your grandmother and her council of advisors in her office afterwards. 

All in all, you’re really only waiting to either be violently sick or fall asleep. Whichever comes first. 

A knock on the door makes you sit up slowly. No one usually cares to see you past dinnertime. You wonder for a moment if you’ve misheard, if someone knocked further down the hall and the sound carried. 

Then it comes again. You get up. 

Sirius’ mouth is already half curved when you open the door, but his smile blooms as he takes you in from head to toe. 

“My,” he leans against your doorframe, looking positively delighted, “don’t you look cozy.” 

Your cheeks flame. You hadn’t been expecting any visitors when you’d put on your pajama bottoms and giant, graphic nightshirt. Sirius is also the most casual you’ve seen him in a gray sweatshirt and dark jeans, but he’s still wearing clothes, which means he’s still dressed better than you. You fear this is an inevitability you may never escape with him. 

“I’m having an early night,” you say.  

He frowns. “Oh. Really? What could I do to persuade you not to?” 

You feel your eyebrows rise. “What would you be persuading me to do instead?” 

“I’ve been thinking,” Sirius says, looking you in the eyes, “we should go out.” 

You feel acid in the back of your throat. You nearly choke on it. “We—you and me?” 

“I see how that wording could be confusing. I don’t mean like a date,” he clarifies. You let out a breath, and his grin renews. “Not that I would ever deny you one, gorgeous, if that’s what you wanted. But what I had in mind was more of an introduction to the kingdom.” 

Your stomach settles a bit. The inside of your lip finds its way between your teeth. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, it doesn’t seem like you’ve gotten out much since you’ve been here. Am I wrong?” 

You shake your head. 

Sirius’ smile is almost gentle. “I know it’s a bit unorthodox, because I’m not from here and your family rules this place, but I’ve actually been here quite a lot. I could show you around the town, get you acquainted with some worthwhile haunts.” He pauses, analyzing your reaction. “There’s a bakery not far from here that has the most incredible apple pastries this time of year, best I’ve had. They only use seasonal ingredients.” 

There’s an uneasy feeling about this, about him, an allure and a simultaneous urge to run. But you’re intrigued. “The best you’ve had?” 

His eyes flash with satisfaction. “Change quickly. They close at ten.” 

Sirius proves his prowess quickly. He brings you into town off the main road and says a few words to your guards that have them keeping a furtive distance from the both of you. To any passerby along the lamplit streets, you look like a regular couple. Intentionally or not, Sirius’ hand in yours completes the image. 

He pulls you into a coffee shop first, coerces you into trying a specialty latte and promises it won’t matter when you order it decaf. You make it to the bakery just before close, and Sirius orders not only the apple pastries but some with pear and a few with blackberry and one muffin for each of you to have tomorrow morning. He charms everyone behind the counter so effortlessly the owner gives you the muffins for free. 

You end up sitting on the grass at the edge of a park, on a hill sloping downward towards the street. Admittedly, you’ve not put much thought into the kingdom you’re allegedly supposed to run someday. It still feels like some kind of fraudulence to sleep in your bedroom in the palace, and the idea of being a princess to this place doesn’t feel any more real now that you’re seeing it up close. 

But this is a town you could love, you think. It’s the sort of place you might have traveled, before, and imagined your life in. Maybe a job at the bakery, grabbing coffee before your early mornings, indistinguishable from any of the other locals strolling around and chatting with shopkeepers and wearing their footprints into the ground. It’s hard not to imagine it even now, though you know your role in this place is far less quaint.

“Mmmmygod,” Sirius moans, licking sugary apple glaze from the corner of his mouth. “Your palate is not prepared for this. Don’t let it get cold.” 

You fish your apple pastry out of the bag obediently, taking a bite. It’s warm and soft, the dough flattening over your tongue. You close your eyes, and the flavor blooms. 

“Wow.” 

“Right?” He sounds downright gleeful, excited for you in a way that’s out of keeping with the refined, stately way you’re both usually expected to behave. 

“You were right. It’s really good.” You give him a smile and take another bite before putting the pastry away. 

Sirius cocks an eyebrow at you, his expression unabashedly judgemental. “You’re not going to finish it?” 

“Dinner didn’t sit very well with me,” you say apologetically. “You can have the rest, if you want.” 

“Oh.” His countenance melds into something like sympathy. “That’s alright, you can reheat it tomorrow if you like. Are you not feeling well?” 

You press your lips into a smile. “I’m okay.” 

“They’ve been running you pretty ragged, yeah? It must be a lot.” 

“I’m okay,” you say again, softer. 

You think the polite thing would be to at least act like he believes you, but Sirius doesn’t. You can feel his gaze on your face as you look out over the town. He’s been a bit different tonight, you think. Still ridiculous and jovial and loud, but gentler at times. Friendly in a more sincere way. Kind. 

You take a breath. “Can I ask you something?” 

You can practically feel the lift of his eyebrows. “Maybe,” he answers, half humorous. 

“Did you know our families have been trying to arrange our marriage?” 

There’s a thick pause. You watch a couple of the lights in windows go out. 

Sirius’ sigh is heavy. “Honestly? I suspected.”

You turn towards him, your throat tightening with nausea and fright and half a dozen other emotions you haven’t identified yet. Sirius is still looking at you, his mouth twisted in a grimace. 

“My family doesn’t tend to see fit to involve me in these things, even when they pertain to me,” he says somewhat bitterly, “but I know how my parents operate. It’s not rare for us to have visits here, but these last couple since you arrived have involved much more nice-making than usual.” He leans back on his forearms, tilting his face to the sky. For the first time since you’ve met him you think that he looks almost tired. “I suppose us appearing to get along at the ball probably didn’t help matters. They’re always looking for someone who can ‘tame’ me. Now they likely think you’re it.” 

You fight to keep your tone even. “Can they just do that? Make us get married?” 

“Well, clearly it’s not that easy, or we would be.” Sirius seems to be musing aloud. His eyes trace the stars, voice low and thoughtful. “I imagine the holdup is on your side of things. My family would love to be rid of me, but your lot may not want to take me on.” 

“I’m sure that’s not true,” you say, but your voice is growing wispy, your vision blurring. 

Sirius sits up. “Hey.” He sounds upset, but his hand on your shoulder is gentle. “Don’t do that. It’s not as bad as it seems, it’ll be okay.” 

“Sorry.” You jam your fingertips into your eyes, trying to keep tears from leaking out. “I’m sorry, I’ve just never felt so…out of control before.” 

Lately, that’s all you’ve felt. Helpless, robbed of your autonomy. You eat and wear and say what you’re told to, you need guards to go out and get pastries, and now the rest of your life is being practically given away to some other kingdom so that your family can rest easy knowing trade agreements are well solidified. 

“I know,” Sirius murmurs. His palm runs a couple inches down your arm, then back up again. It’s the most tentative you’ve seen him. “You’re not, though, really. They can scheme all they want, but nothing has to happen unless both of us get in front of an altar and say ‘I do.’ No one can actually make us go through with it.” 

You lower your hands enough to look at him, and he gives you a sideways smile. 

“I’d be more than happy to be the one to ruin us, if you like. I have a reputation for foiling my parents’ plans anyway. You can even act betrayed. The gracious new princess, and the wayward prince who wouldn’t be bound to her.” 

You worry the inside of your lip. “I wouldn’t want to throw you under the bus.” 

“Sweet of you, doll, but I’m already under there. No sense in taking you with me.” 

He takes another pastry out of the bag, resolved and resigned. You study him. Your life has been nothing but change lately. One terrifying revelation leading to the next, seemingly following a structure you’re not privy to. You haven’t had time to get your feet under you in your new life, constantly being told you’re doing things wrong or getting introduced to new important people or having your manners corrected. This is only your first time getting out into the town where you live! You don’t feel ready to be married. 

But through all the madness of your new life, Sirius has been an odd sort of constant. Kind, and grounding, and casual even when it’s improper. He’s been a real friend to you, the only person who stops to ask how you’re doing and seemingly wants an honest answer. You’ve come to take comfort in him. 

“Do you really think my family is keeping us from…” You find you can’t say it, but Sirius catches your drift anyway. 

“It’s the only explanation I can come up with,” he replies. “Or, not keeping us from it, necessarily, but slowing the process. They’re likely negotiating something to do with the trade agreement, making sure I’m a worthwhile deal for them to take on.” 

“How long does negotiating that stuff take?” 

“I don’t know. Believe it or not, this is actually my first time as well. At least a couple weeks, I’d guess. Your family may want to see how you’re settling in first.” 

You gnaw on your lip, pensive. When you look at Sirius, he’s looking back at you, gray eyes discerning. 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asks you. 

“What if we didn’t stop it yet?” 

Surprise flickers over his expression, gone as quickly as it came. “I assumed you’d want to be done with this as soon as possible. Why are you asking?” 

You shrug, feeling your cheeks heat. “You’d probably have to be here pretty often while they’re still talking things out, right?” 

“Yeah…” 

“And we’re sort of friends now, aren’t we?” 

Sirius’ mouth pulls up on one side. “I’d love to be your friend, gorgeous.” 

“So…” You pull up a blade of grass, carving it in half with your fingernail. “As long as we don’t say ‘I do,’ we don’t have to be married, but we don’t necessarily have to send you home before they’ve even decided anything, right?”

He leans forward interestedly. “Are you suggesting we let our families go through weeks of pointless negotiations, maybe even humor their beliefs that we like each other, just to break things off when it all comes to a head?”

“Well, we do like each other, don’t we?” You smile, and he beams back. “I don’t know, would that be okay with you?”

“Oh.” Sirius shakes his head at you, still grinning. “Sweetheart, you are even more fun than I imagined you’d be.”

[kleopatra45]

D9 Divisional Chart: Navamsa Chart

The D9 chart, also known as the Navamsa chart, is a special divisional chart used in Vedic astrology. It’s like a detailed blueprint that complements your main birth chart (Rasi chart). While the Rasi chart gives a broad overview of your life, the D9 chart delves deeper into aspects related to marriage, relationships, and spiritual growth. It’s particularly insightful for understanding how your partnerships evolve and how you grow spiritually over time.

You can generate your d9 chart using this guide.

placements in your D9 chart

1. Ascendant

The Ascendant, or Lagna, in the D9 chart represents your overall outlook on life and how you approach partnerships. It acts as the lens through which you perceive relationships. A strong Ascendant in a favorable sign can indicate a confident individual who attracts positive relationships, often resulting in fulfilling and supportive partnerships. Conversely, a weak or afflicted Ascendant may suggest a person who struggles with commitment or faces challenges in establishing deep connections. Pay attention to the lord of the Ascendant and its aspects, as they can provide further clarity on relational dynamics.

2. Venus

Venus governs love, beauty, and relationships. Its placement in the D9 reveals how you express affection and your deepest desires in relationships. A well-placed Venus (like in Taurus or Libra, its own signs, or exalted in Pisces) often signifies a harmonious and romantic disposition, attracting fulfilling relationships. On the flip side, if Venus is afflicted or in a challenging position, it might indicate struggles with self-worth or difficulties in romantic connections. Explore aspects to Venus and the 7th house for deeper insights into relational harmony.

3. Jupiter

Jupiter represents wisdom, expansion, and higher learning. Its placement in the D9 highlights your spiritual growth and the moral compass that guides your relationships. A strong Jupiter placement can indicate a partner who inspires you to grow, both spiritually and emotionally, fostering an environment of mutual respect and learning. However, if Jupiter is weak or poorly placed, it may signify challenges in understanding or aligning with your partner's values, leading to conflicts or disillusionment. Consider Jupiter’s aspects to the 7th house for insights into the support and growth available in partnerships.

4. 7th House

The 7th house is the focal point of relationships and marriage in the D9 chart. It symbolizes your approach to partnerships and what you seek in a life partner. Analyzing the lord of the 7th house, any planets positioned here, and their aspects can provide rich insights into marital prospects. Favorable planets in this house suggest a strong likelihood of a supportive and loving partnership, while challenging placements might indicate potential hurdles. For instance, a malefic planet in the 7th could signify lessons to be learned through relationships but may also signal struggles or karmic ties that need resolution.

5. Moon

The Moon symbolizes emotions, nurturing, and intuition. Its placement in the D9 can reveal how you emotionally connect with your partner and how you nurture relationships. A well-placed Moon can indicate emotional stability and a strong capacity for empathy in relationships, creating nurturing environments for partners. However, if the Moon is weak or afflicted, it may suggest emotional instability or difficulty in expressing feelings. Consider the aspects to the Moon for deeper insights into emotional compatibility and connection.

6. Saturn

Saturn embodies discipline, responsibility, and lessons learned through hardship. Its placement in the D9 can reveal how you approach commitment and the lessons you face in relationships. Positive Saturn placements often indicate a mature approach to relationships, suggesting that the individual values loyalty and long-term commitment. These individuals may face challenges that ultimately lead to growth and resilience in their partnerships. On the other hand, if Saturn is poorly placed, it might indicate struggles with commitment or feelings of isolation. Look at how Saturn aspects other planets, particularly in the 7th house, to understand its influence on partnerships.

7. Kendra and Trikona Houses

The Kendra houses (1st, 4th, 7th, and 10th) and Trikona houses (1st, 5th, and 9th) are considered auspicious in Vedic astrology. Planets in these houses often amplify positive energies in relationships. Favorable planets positioned in Kendra houses can indicate strong, supportive partnerships and a solid foundation for relationship growth. For instance, if benefic planets like Venus or Jupiter are in these houses, they often enhance marital bliss and emotional satisfaction. Similarly, Trikona houses contribute to a harmonious relationship dynamic, especially regarding love, creativity, and spiritual growth. Analyze the connections and aspects to these houses for a comprehensive understanding of relational prospects.

©️kleopatra45

[mxtxfanatic]

Jiang Yanli's Sacrifice of Love

Something that's bothered me for a while has actually been how Jiang Yanli's sacrifice at Nightless City is discussed. It was neither a spur of the moment decision nor something that she would have avoided had she "had more time to think." For one, the reason why Jiang Yanli is at Nightless City is to speak to Wei Wuxian. It's pretty clear that this is the reason, because when Wei Wuxian had gone to Koi Tower to retrieve Wen Ning and Wen Qing's ashes, he was discovered by Madam Jin outside of the palace where she and Jiang Yanli had been mourning over Jin Zixuan's coffin:

Madam Jin had good sight. She saw the features submerged in the darkness, and her face twisted at once. She yelled in a shrill voice, “Everyone! Come, everyone! Wei Ying—he’s here! He crept into Koi Tower!” Wei WuXian leaped down the roof. Suddenly, he heard a series of hastened footsteps. Somebody hurried out of the palace. He could only make a run for it.

—Chapt. 77: Nightfall, exr

Jiang Yanli hears that Wei Wuxian is in Koi Tower and immediately leaves her vigil over Jin Zixuan's coffin, but Wei Wuxian avoids her. Her only other option is to go to the Nightless City pledge banquet, because she would not get another chance. The cultivation world was planning on besieging the Burial Mounds the next day:

Jin GuangShan raised his hands, signaling for the people to be quiet and listen to him talk. When the cheers slowly died down, he continued, raising his voice, “Tonight, the ones whose ashes had been scattered were the two leaders of the Wen Sect’s remnants. And tomorrow! It will be the rest of the Wen-dogs and—the YiLing Patriarch, Wei Ying!”

—Chapt. 78: Nightfall, exr

So now we see that Jiang Yanli's presence at Nightless City wasn't an accident or plothole, and she wasn't there without the knowledge that what she would walk into would likely be bad. She simply did not care because she needed to see her didi, if only for the last time.

Jiang YanLi managed, “... A-Xian. Before... why did you run away so fast... I didn’t even get the chance to look at you, or say something to you...” ... And so, she didn’t know what else she could say to Wei Wei WuXian, under such circumstances. It was just that she felt like she had to see this brother of hers once more.

—Chapt. 78: Nightfall, exr

Now let's discuss the second part:

Jiang YanLi, “I’m... I’m here to tell you...” To tell him what? That it’s fine? That I don’t hate you? That everything is fine? That I don’t blame you for have killed Jin ZiXuan? It was impossible. But she couldn’t say anything that was the opposite either. And so, she didn’t know what else she could say to Wei Wei WuXian, under such circumstances.

—Chapt. 78: Nightfall, exr

I've seen this section analyzed in a way that makes it seem like Jiang Yanli does wholly blame Wei Wuxian for everything that has gone bad but simply has no will to speak that hatred into existence. That is clearly an overly simplistic and mean-spirited interpretation of Jiang Yanli's internal dilemma. Jiang Yanli's hesitance is not a reluctance to give validity to her hate but that she doesn't know how to directly face the contradictions in her relationship with the man she sees as her didi. When they were both children in Lotus Pier, the contradiction between she as a master and Wei Wuxian as a servant could be ignored because the strictest enforcer of them, Madam Yu, spent most of her time away from home. After the Jiang Clan massacre and Jiang Cheng assuming leadership, there was nobody who would override her stance on seeing Wei Wuxian as a true brother. When she had Jiang Cheng sneak her to Yiling to show off her wedding outfit to Wei Wuxian, she was making a conscious choice to act as if the dynamics between them have not been irreversibly changed despite Wei Wuxian's defection from the Jiang, his subsequent exile from the cultivation world, and her impending marriage into the main clan pushing for his persecution. She even invites Wei Wuxian to Koi Tower for Jin Ling's one-month celebration despite surely hearing about how terrible his reputation was at the time!

But the Qiongqi Path Ambush crushes her dreams of peaceful coexistence and pushes the contradictions to the forefront where they can no longer be ignored. Wei Wuxian is not just her didi. He is the feared Yiling Patriarch, loathed by all, and now the murderer of her beloved husband/father of her child. Her other brother and father-in-law are gathering cultivators to kill him, in turn. She is hurt and grieving, and this pain is for more than just the loss of her husband. This is the same dilemma that Jin Ling finds himself in at the end of the novel: he suddenly has to contend with the fact that his favorite uncle, Jin Guangyao, is the real reason why he was orphaned, and he must contend with that betrayal atop all of his memories of Jin Guangyao's acts of love and kindness towards him as well as the fact that the man is now dead. Does the love cover the hurt? No, but the hurt also doesn't erase the love nor convert it into hatred. Likewise, for Jiang Yanli to say otherwise to Wei Wuxian would be a disservice to both of them. Yet despite not having words prepared beforehand to discuss all of these conflicting feelings inside of her, Jiang Yanli still rushes out of the palace to catch a glimpse of Wei Wuxian, still finds her way to Nightless City, still calls him by his pet name and speaks gently to him despite having just been slashed in the back by one of his corpse soldiers.

And while she wasn't expecting it to be the last time they'd see each other because of her death, that doesn't make her sacrifice any less meaningful for the fact that she did not predict it prior to it happening. She—a notoriously frail woman who had just had her back cut open—gathered enough strength to push a grown man out of the way of an incoming attack that only she saw coming:

Shyly saying a few words to Madam Jin, [Jiang Yanli] walked to the edge of the watching platform and tossed out two flowers at them. This used up as much strength as she could muster. For one second, Wei WuXian and Jiang Cheng were even worried that she’d fall off. Seeing that Jiang YanLi steadied herself, they finally relaxed.

—Chapt. 70: Departure, exr

Suddenly, Jiang YanLi’s eyes opened wide. Her hands conjured up an explosive current of strength from nowhere and pushed Wei WuXian hard! Wei WuXian was pushed onto the ground again by the force. The next time he looked up, he saw the gleaming blade of a sword pierce through her throat.

—Chapt. 78: Nightfall, exr

If that wasn't an act of love, I don't know what is.

[lyssophobiaa]

Quick sketch for Piers’ bionic arm.

Design Features

•Aesthetics: Streamlined, ergonomic design with a minimalist look, often featuring a matte or metallic finish.

•Materials: Lightweight composites like carbon fiber and titanium, providing durability without sacrificing mobility.

•Color Options: Customizable colors or finishes, including options for skin-like textures or futuristic metallics.

Technology

•Actuation: Advanced motors and actuators that enable precise, fluid movement mimicking natural limb motion.

•Sensors: Integrated sensors (e.g., myoelectric sensors) to detect muscle signals for intuitive control and movement.

•Feedback Systems: Haptic feedback mechanisms to provide users with sensory information about grip strength and object texture.

Safety and Durability

•Water and Dust Resistance: High IP ratings to protect against environmental factors.

•Emergency Features: Manual override systems or fail-safes in case of technology malfunction.

Advanced Technological Interface

•Integrated Biosensors: Built-in biosensors that can analyze blood or interstitial fluid samples to measure viral load in real time.

•Data Analytics: Utilizes algorithms to process biosensor data, providing insights on viral dynamics and trends.

•Alerts and Notifications: Real-time alerts sent to the user or healthcare provider when viral load exceeds predetermined thresholds.

•Communication System: Integrated with a communicator on the wrist, the arm serves as a reliable device for maintaining contact with his team. This system includes encrypted channels for secure communication during high-stakes operations.

•Objective Management Display: The arm features a holographic display that provides a detailed version of the communicator’s data, allowing Piers to view mission objectives and tactical data in real-time. This feature minimizes the need for external devices and keeps critical information accessible.

Augmented Reality (AR) Compatibility

•Enhanced Visualization: The arm’s display projects augmented reality overlays, allowing Piers to see additional information, such as enemy positions, weapon stats, or tactical directions, directly in his line of sight.

•Environmental Scanning: The arm can analyze the surroundings for potential threats, detect biological or chemical hazards, and provide alerts for safer navigation through hostile environments.

Electricity Conduction and Control

•Energy Conduit Design: The bionic arm acts as a conductor for the constant electrical energy generated by Piers’ mutation. It includes specialized channels and circuits designed to manage this energy flow, allowing Piers to use his mutation’s electrical pulse without it spiraling out of control.

•Dielectric Structures: The arm’s design incorporates materials that mimic the dielectric properties of his mutated tissue, particularly in the finger joints and bones. These dielectric components help regulate and contain the high voltage his body produces, diffusing excess energy safely throughout the arm.

•Controlled Release Mechanism: To avoid overload, the arm features a controlled release system that allows Piers to release pulses of energy strategically, whether in combat or to alleviate the internal buildup. This system prevents the arm from overheating or sustaining damage from prolonged electrical activity.

Containment and Compression of the Mutation

•Compression Framework: The prosthetic was specially designed by UMBRELLA engineers to act as a containment “net” around his mutation. It includes a flexible, reinforced framework that compresses the mutated tissue, keeping it in check and preventing further growth or erratic shifts in form.

•Adaptive Pressure System: As the mutation strains against the arm, sensors detect any changes in size or energy output, triggering adaptive responses. The arm tightens or loosens as necessary to hold the mutation back, functioning almost like a high-tech brace that adjusts in real-time to maintain Piers’ arm in a stable form.

•Automatic Safety Lock: In the event of a significant spike in mutation activity or electrical output, the arm engages an emergency lock to keep the mutation from expanding. This feature is a safeguard against sudden bursts of energy that could cause the arm to revert to its mutated state.

Dependency and Risks of Removal

•Rapid Mutation Onset: Without the prosthetic in place, Piers’ arm begins to mutate almost immediately, returning to its original, unstable form. The electrical pulse that his body generates becomes unrestrained, emitting a continuous, breath-like rhythm that is both painful and dangerous, with energy leaking through protruding bones and exposed tissue.

•Uncontrollable Pulse: When uncontained, the electrical pulse from his mutation surges in intensity, lacking any natural “closure” or stopping point. This pulse causes rapid fluctuations in his vital signs and risks systemic overload, leading to loss of control over his mutation and putting him at severe physical risk.

Miscellaneous Details

•The arm has a unique serial code engraved on an inner plate, serving as an identifier for UMBRELLA technicians. This code also links to Piers’ personal health records, mutation data, and arm specifications for quick access during maintenance or in emergencies.

•Due to the intense electrical pulses generated by his mutation, the arm is equipped with an internal cooling system. Micro-fans and heat-dissipating channels prevent overheating during extended use, keeping the arm at a safe, comfortable temperature. If the arm overheats, an internal alarm alerts Piers to prevent any potential damage.

•The outer layer is treated with a UV-resistant coating to protect it from environmental damage and exposure. This ensures that prolonged exposure to sunlight or harsh conditions doesn’t wear down the arm’s exterior, making it more durable in diverse climates and situations.

•Designed for various operational environments, the arm is fully waterproof and corrosion-resistant. It functions normally underwater, which is crucial for aquatic missions or when exposed to rain, mud, or corrosive substances.

•The holographic display can be customized to show additional details, such as weather, GPS navigation, or tactical maps. Piers can also set personal preferences, like color schemes or alert tones, for a more intuitive user experience. This flexibility lets him prioritize the information he finds most critical during missions.

•The communicator has an onboard language translator, enabling Piers to communicate with individuals across different languages. The arm’s display shows translated text, and a subtle earpiece can even relay audio translations, making it easier for him to gather intel and negotiate in multilingual environments.

[astroariska]

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT 8TH HOUSE" DICTIONARY THREAD

Astrology threads sometimes way too confusing. There are so many words that just come out there and make us wonder what we supposed to do then??? It made people think impractical to make astrology into your daily lifes because it's hard to be understood.

Have no fear. I am here to give you a mini thread about the 8th house.

Transformation : What the hell is this word? We never really use this world in our daily lives, isn't it? But really. Transformation is about realizing you need to ELIMINATE that shitty behaviour you didn't want to tell everybody that it's a part of you annd the reason why there is some drama in your life and REPLACE it with a better attitude.

Intimacy. It's not about getting that bombastic sex with your partner. It's about you realizing ... After all the shit and the shot you've been through ... All you need is that person and all you wish is that person to stay with you through thin and thick while wishing life could be better for you.

Power struggle : Simply the imbalance of the relationship that makes you feel you less than equal. Either it makes you feel you work it all or makes you feel you are so fucking useless. This imbalance, let your heart have the urge to solve it out while your heart cannot even simplify the problem within you two.

Inheritances : Doesn't always about money. Sometimes it's about debt. Sometimes it's about what the good, the bad and the ugly shit you share with your parental figure, caretaker or even another family member.

Rebirth : When you are realizing you are not the same anymore after shit happens. When you are realizing the current version of you is really way too different than the old version of you.

Power : Influence over someone, something or a cause that makes a really noticeable change in physical, material, phsycological, spiritual and mental of other people.

Bonus a mini thread about zodiac in 8th house.

Aries 8th house : You hate to acknowledge you are too offensive. But you do have a reason. Acknowledge it now and change the offensive feeling into more passionate attitude as a sign of leadership. Know the differences when you try to give support or just hate to see other being a competitor.

Taurus 8th house : You are way too rigid, slow, stubborn and sometimes ... a boring basic bitch that keeps repeating the same pattern in order to keep you same. It's okay. You've been through a lot. But maybe, you need to change the value that you hold because changing yourself is actually way easier than changing the world?

Gemini 8th house : The best advice to this placement is ... okay, sometimes it feels so good to process everything with your own logic. Math is mathing but you'll end up more anxiouse and less consistence than ever. Maybe it's because you're hard to gain focus but it's a signal you need more dynamic approach so your emotional life could be more interesting than just a typical sadness.

Cancer 8th house : Oh, do you hate feeling vulnerable? Do you think you're weak? What about realizing that your care and your need for nurture is the sign of you being a human being instead of feeling insecure about feel something inside you? Your feeling shows you that you are alive. OWN IT AS YOUR POWER and NOT YOUR FLAW.

Leo 8th house : You're tired of being strong and lead all the time, don't you? But please, just because you're trying to be strong for a long time then you justify all the drama you've punch in people's face. You just need to realizing that sometimes ... The rage is coming from your wounded little child in you that unhappy for the longest time. Remember that when you happy, you gain power.

Virgo 8th house : Oh, snap! You MADE A MISTAKE! Is it small? Is it big? You analyze it until you paralyzed yourself. But honey, mistake were made for you to learn by doing. Instead of punching yourself and hyper-analyze it inside your head, use your mistake to serve those who you love as a lesson that you need to share.

Libra 8th house : Sometimes, it's scary to be lonely but it's more haunting to be with the wrong people and trapped forever with them. But whatever the reason, don't you ever think that you have no right to get the partnership you really wish. You just need to understand that you don't need to please anybody to make them stay. Cheaters always cheat. Haters gonna hate.

Scorpio 8th house : You want to end this life because you feel you can't handle it anymore? But you didn't want everybody know that you're dying inside ... While you actually understand that the key of your life is to breath out your fear and insecurity.

Sagittarius 8th house : It's easier to run away, pack your bag, ghost everybody then pretends like you are the chillest person in the room instead to face how big the mess you need to tidy up. Sometimes is easier to tell people what to do rather to tell yourself what you need to do. When shit comes down, come into your higher self and find the meaning of it. Everything happen for a reason. It's happening not to you, but for you.

Capricorn 8th house : Numbing feeling and hardship makes you out of a breath. I swear, you need a mentor and become more diciplined in your way through because that's the only thing you could do to master this life. Every pain worth the gain.

Aquarius 8th house : If you're feeling like you're out of place, had nobody to stand with you or feeling alienated ... Maybe it's not because people suck. Maybe because your decision was made based how you quickly disengage and diconnected from people you love as you had 0 trust in them. Instead of feeling like you're the black sheep. Channel your brain competency into finding the right purpose, dream and community you're aspire to.

Pisces 8th house : Just because something ends, doesn't mean your life end. Remember. You're not rejected. You're redirected. You're in pain because life will challanges you to take a new path and plant new seed because it's a sign of a fresh start and brand new day. Put your rose colored glass now, it might over but it's doesn't end something. Connect to yourself. You'll found out soon.

[intrepid-fictioneer-7]

Recent chapters of the underrated Fate spinoff Fate/type Redline got me in my feelings so I had to talk about it at lengths, even moreso now that it hasn't updated in months (the mangaka, Ryouji Hirano, has health problems I believe). Spoilers obviously.

Now, when I call type Redline, "underrated", it's more of a subjective than objective assessment. Despite being a manga and thus far more accessible than the untranslated visual novels or light novel series of TYPE-MOON, I see it discussed fairly rarely. At the very least, as far as I know, there hasn't been much big posts analyzing it, so I believe this should be one of the first.

Just don't expect something really deep, these are mostly my musing, rambling observations.

In fact, for a long time, I didn't really have a well-articulated thought about Redline's themes. The contrast of a Holy Grail War taking place in the middle of a world war simply had me chalk it up to the tried and true "war is hell" and not think any deeper (which was a bit intellectually lazy of me). And there is certainly that, but it's a bit more elaborate than that, or else I wouldn't find Redline as interesting. And it all reached a thematic "climax" of sorts in the recent chapter as of the time of writingé

In reality, the story signaled its central theme from the very start, I just wasn't paying attention. One of the first chapters ends with this page:

At first, I thought this was just about Nobunaga. But it turns out this specific page and its text will become the precursor of how the manga is going to present Servants, and how this presentation fits into its larger representation of what war is.

Something you hear somewhat frequently when people mention Redline is "it made Servants scary again". It is only half true, Servants have usually only been "scary" in specific circumstances (Bluebeard in FZ, True Assassin in FSN, and Jackie in Apo come to mind). What they actually mean is that Redline shows Servants as above human again, and it does so by showing them brutally go through lots and lots of human bodies, when Fate is usually about Servants fighting each other. You see Servants vs. humans sometimes, but it's usually 1v1 deals. The only notable exception I can think of is Clan Calatin against Alcides in strange Fake.

There is also Apocrypha, but they are up against armies of homunculi, golems, and animated skeletons, so the dynamic is a bit different than with modern armies. It does however say this.

Indeed, Lancer of Red could burn to ash and crush the stakes with his flames and divine spear. But the Red camp's odds of successfully opposing the Black camp's overwhelming amount of material resources were fifty-fifty. Fighting a force of twenty thousand was beyond the capacities of even a mighty Heroic Spirit. Even then, there would have been no problems if they were alive, but right now they were Servants. The more they consumed prana in great quantities, the closer they approached death. (Apocrypha volume 2 ch.2)

Which is interesting in light of Redline's story, but I digress.

But here, in Redline, because it's during the Second World War, and members of the military are using Servants to do their bidding as well as planning to use them to win the war, there are a lot of interactions between Servants and modern human armies, usually violent ones, to catastrophic results, as Servants go through lots of human meat like cheese. The picture above is after Oda Nobunaga shoots down an entire fleet of American planes heading to Japan.

It's a type of interactions we only ever really saw when Berserker Lancelot in Zero overtook a JSDF fighter jet to fight Gilgamesh on Vimana, while the other plane got eaten by the Lovecraftian horror Caster summoned. The militarized forces of Faldeus in FsF mostly only go after human mages and steer clear of Servants.

And that makes for an interesting contrast that Redline is all too happy to highlight time and time again. When they say "Servants are scary", they mean "Servants are above human", in every sense of terms. No normal human can harm them or even pose a challenge to them, for they are above human strength and capabilities: they are superhuman, they are inhuman.

And that does not just mean inhuman power, but also inhuman thinking.

One of the main conflict throughline of the manga is the relationship between Kanata Akagi, our main protagonist, and his Servant Okita. They don't clash as such, it's not like Fate route Shirou hindering Saber from doing her job, nor is it like Kiritsugu disregarding Saber. It's more low-key, like a misunderstanding that can never be solved. Okita was a warrior in life, and this Holy Grail War in war-torn Japan is just another battlefield to her. Kanata however was born and raised in a Japan long after the war ended, in more peaceful times where he never had to kill. And it's this fundamental difference in lived experiences and mindset that stops them from ever reaching an understanding about how to approach the war:

Even later, as the war goes on, after Okita almost killed potential allies (more on that later), and Kanata reveals to her he comes from the future and what his goals are (ensure his grandma doesn't die and he can come back), and they decide to have a more honest partnership with each other, it's still not enough.

Because when Okita kills a human soldier again, this time a soldier wounded by Berserker who charged Kanata because he was a Master and he blamed magi for how pear-shaped the whole situation has become, this time she does a 180 and instead of convincing Kanata to become ready to kill, she instead wants him to think of her as his tool to kill in his place and take the burden upon herself:

Kanata can only ask her if she's really fine being a sword to be used by someone else and nothing more, to which she replies that's all she needs.

Do note how completely obscured, borderline blank (save for a small, thin-lipped smile), Okita's face is as she says this. As if Kanata and us readers really can't tell how she actually feels about her own words.

This is not the first time the manga does this with Okita.

Coming back to the almost aborted alliance I mentioned earlier, what happened is that, a few chapter before this, the Rider of this war, Sakamoto Ryouma and Oryou, met with Okita to ask her and her Master for an alliance to stop the war from spiraling further and kill more innocents. It would be normal to be suspicious of their intentions, especially since Ryouma initially hides from her that he is a Servant.

But that's not the reasoning Okita uses to reject the alliance and subsequently attack them:

"There is only one path for me (war)." And here it is again: "She's not human."

And it happened even earlier too. When Servant Assassin (Okada Izou) fights Okita, he grows more and more disturbed as he doesn't feel fear, anger, or exaltation as he fights and cuts her, feeling nothing at all from her aside from the scent of blood. Okada's thoughts are interspersed with Kanata's own thoughts about visiting his dying comatose grandmother in the hospital as a kid. And when Kanata touched his grandmother's hand, just like when Okada faces Okita, all it felt like was that:

As you can see, a lot of emphasis, both textually and visually, that Okita does not feel human, and her way of thinking is so alien people can't comprehend her.

And it's not just her, Servants in general are portrayed this way throughout. You saw the pilot's words about Nobunaga at the start of this post, but it occurs later as well. When she was first summoned in the previous war a few years ago by the Imperial Army, her summoner was an arrogant dude who tried to get her to submit and she casually beheaded him. Following that is this page:

Nothing showing on this blood soaked face except for elongated eyes like those of a monster. And after that, everyone in the room prostrate themselves before her like she is a god they worship.

She picks her Master from the crowd, the half-Japanese girl Kaname Asama, and she treats her surprisingly decently from what we see throughout the manga, giving the shrinking violet of a girl respect like she is her attendant, unlike Kaname's boss Magatsu (more on him later) who threatens her and even hits her.

So you would think they have a cordial relationship? Well, maybe they did, but that was until the recent chapter, which has Magatsu's Berserker fight Lancer, and instead of helping their ally, Nobunaga wants to leave, which leads to this exchange:

The same face and eyes again. Kaname doesn't understand her Servant, nor can she tell what she's thinking, just as Nobunaga's face loses all expression, making it impossible for us to tell as well.

(This is not exactly new in regard to Nobu: Keikenchi, the original author of Koha-Ace and the mind behind Redline, already made a Koha-Ace oneshot previously focusing on her, and in it it was shown that, when she was alive, Nobunaga could not "hear" the voices of other people, other humans, and it's her being unable to understand other people that contributed to both her rise and fall)

Another Servant serving as a good example of this is Berserker, which obviously makes sense when it's the Class that from the very start of the Fate franchise in Fate/stay night was there to be impossible to communicate with. But interestingly, everything that surrounds Berserker, not just the Servant itself, reinforces this theme, as if the story employs irony in making the maddest of them all in a war full of mad people the more in-depth examination of the idea instead of being the most obvious.

But I need to scale back a bit to explain.

The Master of Berserker is Major Magatsu, the head of the Imperial Army's magecraft division and one of the main human antagonist. He is kind of interesting in how it's not just his Servant, but his own actions that act as a fulcrum to demonstrate the point. See, in these last stages where it is clear Japan is going to lose, Magatsu wants to keep the war going. His main goal is that he sees the war as not just for the glory of Japan, but as an opportunity to create a world where mages stand at the top, even planning to orchestrate a secret coup within the Japanese military. He is able to amass a great number of men under him, all fanatically loyal to him due to a mixture of his own charisma and appeal to nationalism as well as cigarettes laced with suggestive tobacco making the soldiers smoking it pliable. His followers are so loyal in fact, that when a team of them comes back defeated after facing a Servant trying to deal with Team Kanata, they beat the only survivor up and torture him for his failure and for failing Magatsu, without Magatsu's knowledge or consent (in fact, he is slightly disturbed by this and thinks to reduce the dosage of the tobacco).

But that doesn't deter him from his tactics. Even when he has to hasten his coup after being forced to when pro-war proponents in the war ministry are assassinated, leading to his enraged troops to blame the proponents of suing for peace within the ministry, he still keeps with the easily pliable and fanatical troops even though it is clear he can barely control them. "When the madman runs, any man not mad starts running" is written on a banner hanging on the wall of the magecraft division's headquarters, and Magatsu, who doesn't know who wrote it, finds it a good quote, not knowing how prophetic the words would become. Regardless, Magatsu has made the entire magecraft division and then some fold under his command by making them believe he will be the hero to save Japan. He makes many speeches about saving the nation and how the preservation of the Empire is vital to the preservation of the soul of the nation, and can easily drive crowds into nationalistic frenzy with talks of using Archer and Berserker to fight on mainland Manchuria, and clearly invoking the spirit of complete sacrifice to the nation like in banzai charges and kamikaze, even if not explicitly:

Sometimes, an ordinary and unrefined person will defeat their fear of death and become a noble person with the resolve to throw away their own lives. This phenomenon, which one could call a miracle, is occuring at this very moment, in various places within Japan. War allows all sorts of miracles to exist.

For these reasons, the Colonel, the so far unnamed high-ranked Nazi who is Magatsu's main ally, praises him for "having a knack for understanding human nature", which is why he gives him Berserker, as he believes that, if he experiences the war from the same position as Servants, Magatsu may be able to come to understand them...especially, as he notes, Magatsu completely failed to have Nobunaga pay him any attention:

Magatsu, for all his charisma and servile attitude, completely fails to have Nobunaga pay him any attention even once since her summoning years ago. When summoned, she ignored him in favor of going to Kasame. She doesn't follow his orders nor does she even acknowledge him as a faithful follower: he might as well be air in her eyes. Not only that, she only talks to his subordinate Kaname Asama, whom he disdains for having foreign blood due to being half-Japanese. And the Colonel rightly realizes that Nobunaga's lack of interest makes him seethe. Magatsu seethes so much in fact that he comes to the conclusion that he doesn't need to understand Servants, especially to win when they don't seem to care what he's they're fighting for, so he would rather settle for Berserker than the unruly Archer, believing he can control him thanks to the Heroic Spirit Restraining Device provided by the Nazis. Very predictably, it goes pretty poorly.

As soon as he's summoned and out of the tank he was put in, Berserker immediately begins to indiscriminately kill soldiers of the magecraft division for no reason, and when Magatsu attempts to use his Command Spells on him, he cuts off his arm and crushes it, making the Command Spells disappear. Berserker then engages in a rampage throughout the magecraft division base, gleefully killing every soldier in his way, yet does not kill his Master despite his failed attempt to restrain him:

Magatsu is unwittingly along for the ride as Berserker carries him in his arms as he goes about his "fun".

Naturally, Magatsu's men try to slow down and stop Berserker using "anti-Servant" weapons (lol) that obviously do jack shit. But they use too much firepower and seemingly ignore Magatsu's cries for help, which leads him to believe that they are trying to kill them both. Berserker agrees in his twisted logic, and enacts more violence as he believes his Master is in danger.

The reality is actually different: when Kaname Asama try to get to exercise more caution so they do not accidentally hit and hurt the Major, when he is clearly an hostage, one soldier slaps her and rebukes her, madly stating that there is no way the savior of Japan would ever get hurt by these weapons.

They keep throwing weapons and men at Berserker, which eventually confuses Magatsu, because weren't they trying to kill him? Why then are they wasting their lives against a Servant?

Which is when the point is made.

As this massacre rages on, Magatsu is telepathically contacted by the Colonel, who congratulates him on summoning Berserker and says that the Restraining Device is working wonderfully saying as the major's mana and life are still intact. Magatsu, enraged, accuses the Colonel of having done something to his men, maybe brainwashing them to kill themselves, which is a fair accusation considering it is the Nazis who did assassinate the war hawks and forced Magatsu to accelerate his coup plans.

Except the Colonel says he had nothing to do with it and the reason for the soldiers' actions is far simpler: they admire Magatsu, they truly, genuinely do. The Colonel explains that his accomplishments, from taking control of the war to making a Servant protect the capital from air raids, made him look like a true messiah in the eyes of his men, and Magatsu was too blind to see it. Of course he denies it and calls the Colonel a liar, until he sees one of his men approach and try to reach him, only to be pierced by Berserker's spear for his troubles, and as he lays dying, Magatsu hears his last words on his bloody lips: "Glory to the Major."

As the one-sided battle against the human waves of martyrs continue, the Colonel throws Magatsu's earlier words about the war "allowing miracles" back to his face, bringing the whole arc to its logical conclusion, and I will transcribe the speech in its entirety since it intersperses scenes of the battle and that's too much images to for this post:

How about you open your eyes to reality for once? The only sane person in that battlefield is you. War is cruel. It burdens its victims with a detestable fate. But look at them. They do it for their country, for you. Their madness calls forth even more madness. All these men rush forward, knowing well only death awaits them. War takes these ordinary men, and turn them into martyrs. War allows all sorts of miracles. I thank you. You've allowed me to witness something beautiful. Did seeing people die finally get to you? Feeling remorse? I suppose you didn't have what it takes to be a soldier. This is no time to be losing your mind, Major. It's not everyday you get to experience war from such a safe position. Revel in it a little more. You are at the center of a miracle. That which creates miracles, and gathers people's faith. What do you call that, Major? Do you know? A God. Congratulations, Messiah. In this exact moment and place, you are the one closest to a God.

Just as the voice of God can't reach mortals, your voice can't reach these men. For alas, there are none who can hear it. Raise your head, Major. The curtain has fallen at last. And you should now be able to understand her a little more.

Archer arrives, looking down at Berserker and Magatsu standing on the mountain of corpses of all the men of the magecraft division, and Magatsu tries one last time to get her to look at him by calling for her help, as all he ever wanted was to prove he was worthy to stand at her side...and she laughs in his face. She mocks him for thinking he could ever control a Servant and finds his tear-stained and snotty face hilarious.

And Magatsu, at this last straw after everything, breaks.

As he begins to laugh maniacally, his Servant joins in, and as Archer, Berserker, and him laugh, it's as if the corpses of his men, their mouth frozen in bloody leering rictus by rigor mortis, are laughing with them. Magatsu finally realizes it was wrong to think to use Servants in a war, because they could never be measured by human standards.

It's not that Servants can't be understood, not solely. This sequence of chapters shows it goes deeper than that: it's war that turns everyone mad, and thus makes understanding impossible among humans. And Servants are humanity writ large, the highest of the high and the lowest of the low, because you need to be larger than life to be remembered for eternity in the Throne of Heroes. Which means that, where war turns humans into mad monsters, it makes the Heroic Spirits standing above humans into the embodiments, the apotheosis, the personified concepts of madness.

They are mad gods.

The World War and the Holy Grail War are both founts of insanity, because that's what war does. The average soldier's brain briefly brushes with the eternal sublime, the mysterium tremendum et fascinans that turns humans into figures of worship recorded and enthroned for eternity beyond space and time. And this brief contact with the Absolute gives them the divine language that makes them unintelligible to other men. Their visages, like Moses' after descending the mountain, can no longer be looked upon. They are completely obscured to us who don't live and breathe for war, for violence is their domain now.

War makes Berserkers of us all.

Is it any wonder that the Classes of the Holy Grail War by design favor warriors and warmongers? This war is rife with adepts of violence: a warlord (Nobunaga), a warrior (Mori), a secret police assassin (Okita), a plain assassin (Okada), and a martial artist (Li Shuwen). All of which mad in their own way and choosing the path of violence over any other options.

And I don't think it's a coincidence that the sanest and most "normal" Servants we have seen in Redline not only belong to the Classes less obviously about violence or weaponry, Rider and Caster, but their identities are also not famous for violence: the Rider was a politician and diplomat, while the Caster is a scientific thought experiment about the laws of physics.

I don't know how this will conclude or shake out, but I have my suspicions. Our protagonist Kanata comes from the peaceful post-war Japan and has so far always been repulsed by violence, despite attempts by his Servant and his grandmother to get him to get used to it to be more effective in the war. In fact, he reaffirms that he wants to win the war without becoming a remorseless bloodthirsty killer.

I can see potential routes the story can take depending on whether he slowly succumbs to war's madness or he heroically resists its call. Especially if he is pitted against what seems to be one of the main antagonists, the Nazi Colonel, clearly war's most fervent prophet, whose face is always obscured.

We'll see. The latest chapter as of the time of writing is the fight between Lancer and Berserker. Even the pair that seems to get along the best, Team Lancer, has the Master threatened by her Servant for almost "interrupting" his fight by trying to heal his wounds. And her (current) last words are a perfect encapsulation of the manga and my whole thesis:

[iceburned]

my favorite variation of Hans's redemption will always be the one where he sacrifices himself for Elsa.

they had an "unpleasant experience" in which Hans came close to, well, killing Elsa (antis' favorite argument, okay, I take it). yes, we can analyze this more deeply, find signals that he really "didn't want to" and that this was literally the only way they saw to stop winter, etc (up to Elsa's passive consent due to guilt over Anna's death, about which Hans in general did not lied), but... the fact remains that Hans came damn close to hacking Elsa down with his sword.

so I don't think we can be surprised by Elsa's reaction after all, yeah (however, I think it's more about how he hurt Anna).

I accept this for what I'm going to say next. you know, complicated relationships with the dynamics of "from enemies to lovers", "love/hate". we enjoy it.

and the hardest part of all this is that Elsa will never be able to let Hans get close enough. she won't be able to really trust him, knowing that he can manipulate and suspecting that Hans can always pursue personal goals. she has a right to be suspicious after all.

what can fix the situation? that this man would risk his own life for Elsa's survival, her life and safety. consciously, at the risk of dying and ready to accept it. because Hans, who begins to develop feelings for Elsa, will be ready to act in accordance with these feelings. but something else: Hans, who begins to develop feelings for Elsa, will himself be burdened by past actions "to kill Elsa, stop winter, become a hero and a king."

I like the poetry of it, the symbolism and how it's really redeeming: yes, in the past he came close to killing Elsa, but now he's gone so far from it that he's literally ready to die for her.

in this scenario, Elsa herself gets rid of the suspicions that are rooted inside her, because when Hans is ready to die for her, it really changes perceptions and creates a "new level".

you know, Anna too can change her extremely negative attitude and still accept Helsa relationship. of course, it's difficult when your sister, the closest person, develops her own dynamic with your ex, who manipulated you and traumatized you, and from whom you shielded her with your body in the past... however, if Anna sees that Hans almost died for Elsa, I think she will be able to accept it.

honestly, when it comes to Helsa, the fact that Hans is her ex is the last thing she'll care about (she's found her "true love," after all). she will be worried that Hans could potentially use Elsa and harm Elsa. but if she sees that Hans is really willing to sacrifice himself for Elsa... well, I'm not talking about absolute forgiveness on Anna's part (and Anna has every right not to give him forgiveness after he treated her), but acceptance in such a scenario takes place. Elsa is her top priority, after all.

[totowlff]

a thirsty tuesday

➝ producing content for mercedes' social media is always a challenge, especially given the demand. however, having a desired boss is always a good asset.

➝ word count: 1,8k

➝ warnings: implied sexual acts, a lot of second-hand embarassment, boss-employee dynamics

➝ author’s note: well, it's been a long time since i was last here. unfortunately, i didn't have more time to dedicate myself the way i would like to my stories. however, i feel stronger and safer to come back here and continue writing. i hope you still want to read it.

— Y/N, this is completely ridiculous — Toto said, looking up from the sheet in his hand towards your face. His expression was serious, skepticism written in the way he raised his eyebrows at you.

You gave a smile, feeling a little embarrassed to be presenting that content idea to him. After recording a video analyzing the most striking images of the ten years he was at the head of the team, the idea was that he would react to some tweets that the marketing team had selected.

In this case, you.

— That's what our audience cares about, Toto.

— Are you serious? They want to see me reading — he hesitated, looking down at the paper again — Thirsty tweets?

— Sure, why do you think I would suggest that?

Toto sighed. He was definitely upset.

— I could fire you, you know? — the team principal murmured, the shadow of a smile on his face.

— You would never do that — you replied, full of confidence.

 — How can you be so sure?

— Because, without me, you only speak bullshit.

He laughed. That was an indisputable fact: without you by his side, Toto simply lost his filters, especially in front of the microphones. The images of you elbowing the team principal in the arm when he started a sentence that would probably generate thousands of clicks on specialized sites, as well as rude responses from other team bosses.

— Okay, you got a good point — Toto said, crossing his arms. Your eyes flickered for a few seconds to the veins that were prominent over his skin, before looking into his brown eyes again.

— So, let’s do it?

— Yeah. But if you have any bullshit…

— Toto, anything that isn't business or lap times is classified as bullshit for you.

— Well, bigger bullshit. I don't want my kids to see this and think I'm weird.

— It's easier for them to think the people who wrote these stuff weird — you muttered, as you took the sheet from his hand. Toto raised a suspicious eyebrow.

— Now I'm really worried about doing this, Y/N.

— It's going to be alright, now, sit there and just be a lovely person.

— I'm always a lovely person.

— Yeah, Christian Horner agrees with you — you said, laughing, as you walked to Stephen's side, who looked less than pleased with the camera angle. After requesting changes and having Toto sit on a bench so that half of his head wasn't cut off in the image, you handed over the sheets of printed tweets, asking him not to peek at the tweets.

— What if I peek?

— You’ll ruin everyone's recording day — you replied.

— That would be a shame — he muttered, giving her a mischievous little smile.

— Indeed. But I'm sure you'll be a good boy.

You had the impression that Toto had blushed, but you didn't have time to point that out before Stephen asked you to leave the set to start filming. After a few more instructions, he signaled that he was recording.

— Hi, I'm Toto Wolff and today, I'm going to read… What is it again?

— Thirsty tweets — you said, rolling your eyes.

— Oh yeah, thirsty tweets — he said, grinning at the camera. The image caused something strange to spread inside your chest.

After repeating the take twice more, Toto finally caught the first tweet, reading it silently for a few seconds, eyes widening.

— Out loud, Toto.

— I'm not going to read this, Y/N.

— You will — you yelled, from behind the camera.

— But it's ridiculous — he exclaimed.

— You said you'd read it, you'll read it.

Sighing, the team principal paused for a few seconds before reading what was on the sheet.

— "I don't even know how, but I want to suck Toto Wolff's arms".

— What do you think?

— Well, ridiculous.

— People like your arms — you said — Doesn't it make you happy?

— They’re arms.

— But they are pretty arms.

He blinked.

— Do you think my arms are pretty? — Toto questioned.

Your face heated up. You definitely weren't ready for that question.

— Doesn't matter, go to the next one.

He chuckled before looking down at the sheet in his hands.

— “Toto Wolff could come up to me, punch me in the face for any reason and, honestly, I would probably apologize to him” — Toto read, looking up at you — Well, I would never hit anyone, so I'm really sorry.

— Not even if they asked? — you asked in a teasing tone.

— I'm too polite a man for that.

— Too bad — you laughed — Next.

— “I would call Toto Wolff daddy in front of my own dad”. I just hope my kids never do this, it must be extremely embarrassing.

You couldn't hold back a laugh at that comment.

— I thought you didn't want them to watch this video.

— And they won't watch it, I'm sure of it — Toto replied, laughing — Imagine them watching their father reading things like “I'd let Toto break my back like a glowstick”?

— I would think it's cool. In fact, I'm thinking it's cool.

— Of course you do, you chose these tweets.

— Could you go on? — you asked, making him move on to the next sheet.

— “Me: I watch Drive To Survive for the content. The content: Toto Wolff”. We can't deny that I bring content to this series, can we?

— So much content that I spent almost a month listening to people asking me to change my car if I had a problem with it.

— Did Checo say it was fucked? — he asked with a mischievous smile.

— I think I'm going to have to speak to my drivers about that — you replied, chuckling — Go on to the next one.

— “I want my juice box to be Toto Wolff's new pillow” — he read, raising an eyebrow — But what's a juice box?

— Vagina — Stephen muttered, before realizing everyone was staring at him, Toto with a particularly shocked expression — What? I lived in the States, they say that, is a slang.

— Okay, I really didn't expect that — the team principal muttered — Did you know that, Y/N?

— No — you replied, trying to sound as innocent as possible. Of course you knew what it meant, you weren't an idiot. Besides, you knew it was going to surprise him. You just didn't expect him to look so shocked — But, are you surprised?

— I didn't expect something so — Toto hesitated for a few seconds — Explicit.

— Then you'll love the next ones.

Passing the sheet, you noticed the team principal's face turn red.

— Y/N, I can't say that.

— You can, I checked with our legal team.

— Y/N…

— Read it now.

— “I want Toto Wolff to destroy my insides” — he said, before looking up at you — This is awful.

— Well, it's what you do to them.

Toto stared at the sheet for a few seconds.

— I'm feeling flattered right now — he said, in a sort of sarcastic way.

The film crew erupted in laughter as the team boss looked at you, who shook your head.

— Well, let's go on — he said, moving on to the next page — "Toto Wolff is so hot, I want to have his babies”. Unfortunately it won't be possible, I stopped at the second one. But if I may say so, both my children are very beautiful so I take great pride in that.

— Actually, Rosi is adorable.

— Thanks to her mom's genes — Toto answered you, before moving on to the next tweet — “My sexuality is Toto Wolff”. I'm pretty sure there's no TW in the LGBTQIA+ acronym, but…

— Maybe it's been updated? — you suggested.

— I need to talk to the Racing Pride people about this — he said, smiling — Well, I think that's the last one, “The best part of working at Mercedes is saying 'yes, sir' to Toto. I will not elaborate”.

You couldn't help but smile when he looked up at you.

— I believe there are other advantages to working at Mercedes, but I pride myself on being a good boss — Toto said, before ending the video with one of those smiles that made your chest warm.

While the crew set up the studio for the recording with Lewis, which would take place in half an hour, you and Toto headed back to his office. The team leader had already removed the microphone that was attached to his shirt and was reading something intently on the phone before handing it to you. Inside the room, he walked around the pale wood table and stopped beside the chair.

— It was kind of fun recording — Toto said, bringing his hands to his chest and undoing the top button of his shirt — I thought this thirsty tweets thing was going to be a lot worse.

Your eyes dropped to his fingers, which deftly parted the shirt, revealing the firm muscles beneath.

— Well, I'm glad you like it — you managed to reply, your mouth dry as the fabric slid down his arms. You had seen him topless before, but the feeling was always the same. The heat in your face, the tingling in your belly, the heavier heartbeat in your chest.

— But, I have a question about a thing — he continued, grabbing the baby blue shirt he was wearing before the shoot and putting it on — That last tweet…

— Yeah?

— Did you write it?

You swallowed hard.

— All tweets were posted by real users, Toto…

— But the last one is yours.

— Of course not…

— Y/N, you know I follow you, right?

You blinked, staring at the team leader in disbelief.

— You don’t have…

— Yes I do. I use it to observe things, see what people are saying, these things — Toto replied, while closing the last buttons of his shirt — I follow Lewis, George, Mick, Jonathan from engineering, Kawka and I followed your account recently. I recognized the profile picture even though it was blurry on the printed sheet.

— I apologize profusely about this, Toto…

He laughed.

— No problem, Y/N…

— It's completely inappropriate to say that kind of thing on the internet, and what's more, considering you read…

— Y/N, it's okay — he cut her off as he put on his blazer — You seem like a lot of fun outside the office.

— You think so?

  I do. Although I have a question about that tweet.

— What would it be?

— Would you mind elaborating on why that's the best part of your job?

You felt your cheeks heat up.

— Is like I’ve said, I won't elaborate, Toto.

— Not even at dinner this Friday?

Your mind short-circuited, your mouth opening slightly.

You were sure this was a hallucination.

— Are you asking me out?

— Yeah — he replied, his voice full of confidence — What do you think?

“Yes, say yes, yes!”, someone screamed in the back of your mind, while you stared at him.

— With a condition.

— Which is?

— No pizza — you said — Every time we have dinner, you insist on having pizza and still complain about my order.

— Of course, you like that atrocity with pineapple…

— Just don't eat.

— It's still disgusting, Y/N — he said — But, okay, no pizza. Do you accept?

— Yeah, sure — you answered, feeling butterflies in your stomach.

[magicrainbowkitties]

Some of y'all never learned the difference between queerbaiting and queercoding and it really fuckin shows. And even more than that some of y'all will sit there and call something queerbait just because they don't kisskiss.

Characters should not and do not have to actually kiss and/or fuck nasty on screen for a queer and/or romantic reading of their relationship to be valid. Not the least of which reason is that not every relationship such as that involves kissing or sex, but more importantly:

Relationships are more than that. You know this. I know this. We wouldn't be shipping people otherwise, or be so invested in the relationships between these characters we love.

Why is a movie where the characters of the same gender love and care deeply for each other and complete each other's worlds, and yet never kiss or fuck, bait, while the one where the characters are underdeveloped and have no real reason to be together or even like each other than because the plot says so but they kiss and fuck like rabbits NOT bait?

Queerness deserves nuance, it deserves different shit, it deserves messy and toxic shit, it deserves to be scrutinized and analyzed, rather than simply consumed and sanitized.

Would the former film have a kiss/sex scene if the world it existed in didn't force it to be a product in a violently heteronormative society? More than likely. But we can't say for sure.

Queer media has survived since forever thanks to queercoding, which was used to let representation of queerness and queer culture exist AT ALL under homophobic corporations. Queer PEOPLE have survived their actively hostile homes and communities thanks to codes and signals that identified each other and where was and wasn't safe.

That legacy won't go away, even as we gain more acceptance in society. Even if the day comes in my lifetime where queer people all over the world are free to live out our lives in peace and comfort without our very lives and bodies being targets for violence and repression, that tradition STILL wouldn't go away. Because it's INTERESTING and FUN and DYNAMIC and GOOD CHARACTER WRITING.

Not every deeply loving and caring relationship is romantic, just as not every buddy-buddy relationship is platonic. There's so much grey area, so much to look through, to analyze with different lenses, to understand about how we conceptualize relationships.

Queerbaiting is NOT just a stand-in for queercoding you didn't like. And it's not bait just because they didn't kiss or get together or fuck. Queerbait is when something is MARKETED to queer people, but doesn't actually have any queer rep in it at all.

Does that mean some queerbait is queercoding in and of itself? Yes. But not all.

But when it's characters building a deep abiding love for each other over the course of the story, one that changes them and how they see the world, regardless of the fact they don't actually kiss or fuck or say "you are now my partner/spouse..." I'm sorry, that's not bait. That's a love story. And regardless of what kind of love it is, platonic, romantic, sexual, eldritch, whathaveyou, that's what queer stories ARE.

Especially when the characters in question are literally canonically queer, but their relationship isn't made EXPLICITLY romantic. Like guys. Really?

Please read anything at all about the history of queerness in your medium of choice before you start shouting "queerbait" at things that are literally made to be complicated.

[coffeegnomee]

Training my brain to learn that caring about something does not mean someone will die and it will all be lost.

Cw - death, OCD, mcyt death, dsmp and lifesteal, triggers

This is, obviously, something super personal. But sharing about it is what scares me, so I’m going to do it anyway and prove to my brain that it’s okay to care.

If you end up reading it, know you just read my heart. I hope it helps you process whatever you’re dealing with <3. 

I looked up OCD tonight because my brain constantly cycles through the same thoughts and worries about Lifesteal like Non Stop. Like I know I’m ADHD but this isn’t just a fixation on this server, but like debilitating spirals of thought. And all focused around analyzing if it’s all going to fall apart or not. 

They say ocd is a “limbic system impairment that occurs when someone experiences a traumatic physical or emotional event while their chronic stress load is already high.”

And that freaking resonated. They say exposure therapy can rewire the brain so let’s go explore what’s the event that’s keeping me spiraling.

My chronic stress load was extremely high that summer two years ago. And then Technoblade died. The longer it’s been the more I really sit with the fact that that was traumatic.

On top of the stress personally, now my favorite YouTuber, my comfort character on dsmp, the freaking anchor of that server, was just gone. Gone.

Dreamsmp came in a time of some pretty heavy depression. Obviously the pandemic was still occurring so that’s a chronic stress load itself (I found it January 16th 2021, so like, three days before the disc finale, but almost a year into covid) and watching through all the streams I was able to completely escape.

For the first time in months I was laughing. Like deep belly laughs. Full body. Actual joy. The neural rewiring my brain those first months was insane. It was pure serotonin.

I became motivated to work again, having something fun in the background. I looked forward to cherishing the lore, keeping those streams to the side for the evenings when I could really immerse myself into the story.

There’s a two-fold trigger that sends me into a spiral around loosing the thing that makes me happy. Unfortunately at the time, the things causing the chronic stress in my life stemmed from the things that used to bring me fulfillment and joy and purpose. They were being taken away, by my own choice, and from my health (more on that later).

So in the void of having my real-life anchors to bring fulfillment, dreamsmp was the thing keeping this whole body going. Truly a hanging on by a thread moment.

But even then, it’s not just about "loosing the thing that makes me happy" that causes these obsessive thoughts.

It’s the irrational connection that because the lore changed and the dynamic of the server stalled, that THAT therefore somehow that lead to Techno dying. (yes. An irrational and non related thought. I just realized with writing that that I have truly merged both those events so closely that when the first happens, I cannot let go of the idea of the second. I’m sitting here expecting someone to irl die.)

Huh. That’s interesting. 

It’s like, I read this from some random instagram post years ago. This woman’s husband died on a sunny day and then years later sunny days fill her with dread as if the weather was signaling that she would come home to the death of a loved on.

That’s what’s going on in my noggin.

Because it’s Quackity’s lore that changed the fabric of the dreamsmp. It didn’t have to, but it did. It came at the perfect storm when everyone was super burnt out and needed to run away from the insanity of both the fans and the haters and the sudden massive fame. 

He decided to do pre-recorded movies. On my live-stream smp. The very fabric of lore was changed. 

And because of the larger production, it took longer, and the other members of the server seemed to not know where to take their personal lore; everyone was waiting for that damn casino to open. And since all the lore ended up happening in pre-recordings we never again experienced that magic of live stream entertainment and improv and dumb bits. Everything was sanitized. For their own sanity, sure. But at the expense of the survival of the server. (Also Techno wasn’t available because of the chemo, so truly nothing was happening on any end of the server)

That perfect storm, loosing interest in the server and the lore being fundamentally changed, set the stage for the traumatic moment of loosing a member. That's my two-fold trigger.

And his death sealed the deal. I’ve never held it against them for not wanting to continue after. Season 2 was impossible the moment that happened. 

My chronic stress had exploded so far that my thyroid was fucked and I’m diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease that keeps me fatigued more often than not. Besides that, my other main chronic stress was a realization that the Future I had always expected myself to take, the Plan that I had set out, I was suddenly extremely Not Sure I wanted to do anymore. 

But I had confidently told my friends and family for over 8 years that this is what I wanted (all this during college and after. I was already 26 at this time) (yes I’m old) (yes life is still crazy when you’re old) (but you start understanding yourself better). It was in this understanding of myself that I realized my direction needed to change.

Suddenly my whole identity I had built for myself was swept out from under me. 

At that. same. dang. time. That same week. That’s when the news broke. Literally broke me to pieces. 

And I hadn’t told anyone I was obsessed with Minecraft lore. Like bro. I’m out of college for a few years. Get a life. (But man. My eyes just light up when I think about this method of story telling. It’s just goated)

My mom sort of knew. She didn’t understand but at least I could tell her someone died and she had some sort of connection that I had been following this kid for over a year now. 

But no one else. The sorrow and pain of loss is just so much worse when you can’t explain why you cared about someone so much. It’s not like my parent died. Or sibling. It was a kid I had never met in person but I resonated with so much. 

And I remember distinctly thinking “It’s not worth not sharing the things you care about with other people”. Burned into my brain that day.

But time heals all wounds. Until something triggers it. 

I spent the next year just following Foolish, that ray of sunshine who was involved enough to have become my comfort streamer, but not too involved that it was painful to watch because of the memories.

It was a crazy fun year. Best comfort streamer. But people change, I change, and I missed Minecraft lore. You can only watch so much valorant before it’s just the same game.

Foolish found out he was on QSMP (I think it actually was before, I think he knew about the server before it was announced) and he started looking at Minecraft content and Minecraft builds again. For the first time in over a year. It was such a random day. 

But we watched Sandiction and… Rekrap2. 

Both of them stole my heart and I went, maybe it’s time to return to mcyt. See what’s been brewing.

And before I knew it I was on a month-long binge of Lifesteal content and just so absolutely lost as to what order everything came out in or what season everything was from. Shoutout them being allergic to click baiting “Lifesteal” or adding season tags to the description. It’s such a mess on Youtube lol.

Soon enough I found Baconnwaffles1. Not 0. 1. Somehow found his second channel first.

The videos caught my eye. I knew they were streams and I was trying to find the vods, but as you know Bacon doesn’t have a vods channel and his streams delete after 14 days. 

But then finally the fated video crossed my path: “This is PrinceZam and he just betrayed his teammates”

Oh my goddess what in the world is going on in this server. 

I needed to know. 

So began the true binge. Found Zam’s vods, watched season 4. And I discovered something amazing.

I have genuinely never resonated more with a character than I resonated with Zam season 4.

Every internal debate of Zam resonated with my own dilemmas. People pleasing and understanding what you value came to a head, and only one could win. But truly your values are the only real option because every moment of people pleasing will rub against your soul like hot coals. 

Remember those chronic stressors? The life I didn’t know if I wanted anymore?

As Zam walked between conversations with friends, teammates, and enemies, I recognized similar conversations in my life. 

I could describe the situation one way, and the person would agree and give advice. But then I realized I could describe the situation in a different light and then maybe they wouldn’t agree anymore. So I didn’t know what advice to take.

And then chat was so funny. The day before the wormhole they started giving too many opinions, the same opinions they had been giving for weeks, and in a flash I was like, omg he’s going to spiral again guys why are you like this. 

And then he was like, OMG chat, YOU’RE the problem! There’s too many of you and I’m trying to make everyone happy.

If I tell you I jumped up, screamed, giggled, and floundered around like a crazy person it wouldn’t even come close to what happened. I was so proud of Zam for realizing his emotions were being swayed by the barest opposition. From that third person point of view, I could so clearly see what was going wrong and I was cheering him on to realizing what he truly wanted.

I did, and still do, see so many of the decision making problems that Zam has, within myself. As a piece of media, and him being a character, it’s the craziest most relatable story I have ever seen. I’ve never resonated with a character more. 

Then we reached season 5. 

The first season I truly watched as it came out. I had gotten too obsessed with this Minecraft world. I wanted more. I loved these kids and their storytelling. 

But it was the first season when people started leaving the server on good terms.

Oh no. This sounds too familiar. People are loosing interest in the server I love. What’s next, a change in the fabric of how lore is created? 

Then there was a change in the fabric of how the lore was created.

We saw the new members approach the server with a recording-mindset. Who weaponized the lore against the old server members. Pretending they cared about the yapping but then revealing that in itself was a complete and total lie used to get you into the perfect position to either spoil the whole riddle or shoot you with an arrow canon.

And then. Not. Care. At. All. Zero remorse.

I don’t know why the betrayals by Jumper hurt so badly. But it hurt. A lot. (I was triggered that’s why) My emotional reaction was out of proportion to reality.

It’s not like it wasn’t a Lifesteal move, people had gotten into position to betray in the past, and would continue to do so in the future with Leo and Clown betraying Minute. 

But it was that “I have no remorse over the hours we spent as a team, not a single thread of care to you or to the yapping lore of this server”. It’s one thing to be betrayed by an enemy. Quite another to be betrayed by a friend.

So here I began. Triggered by something that wasn’t world ending. Quackity’s take on lore didn’t kill the server. Neither did Jumper’s. It was probably going to be fine.

But like. My brain is not agreeing. So I’m pushing back on it. 

Here’s what I’m finding.

This is a fun tidbit - when Mapic said “streams are delayed” when he was in the hospital before the finale I could not convince myself that he didn’t had cancer and wasn’t going to die. Bro. Tell me you’re triggered without telling me you’re triggered. (In case you didn’t see, it was just a concussion)

I’m so hyper aware of everything that could indicate I’m going to loose someone I care about again.

The pattern recognition is going out of control. 

And I keep trying to calm my brain down and catalogue all the reasons I know and believe Lifesteal will be perfectly fine for probably a while. Like how they have meetings all the time to discuss what went down on the server. They’re talking all the time to work out interpersonal problems and lore problems so that everyone is happy and feels heard. And they’re watching movies together. Meeting up and strengthening relationships. Changing admins as necessary. 

And I say it again. 

And again. 

And again. 

Every time something throws the smallest pebble at stability I walk my brain back through all the indicators that everything will be fine. 

Jumper:

Jumper loves being on the server. She’s said it. She’s so excited about it. She did have a plan. She didn’t tell us the plan as it went, but she does stream. She’s getting comfortable with the idea of streaming, she’ll learn to trust chat over time. She’ll learn how to loose gracefully on this server at some point. Probably. hopefully. And since I don’t know when that will be I’ll just have to wait until season 6 and see what happens. It’s out of my control. She’s fine. It’ll be fine. 

Pentar:

Pentar is fine. He doesn’t understand why chat would tell him he’s the most likely to betray even though every video he betrays. Why is he doing that that’s so weird. But he’s a great teammate and everyone likes having him around. I don’t like how he laughs at Zam, but like I can give him the benefit of the doubt that he just doesn’t take anything seriously and laughs in the face of anything serious. I’ll have to wait and see until next time to see how I feel about what he does on the server. Real life can’t be repeated over and over so just let it go. It’ll be fine.

Minute:

Minute is just so happy to be in Lifesteal. He loves it so much. You can tell by how he speaks every time there’s a group moment. He’s going to be admin next season. He loves this server. He may be overly attached to the Rules and have black and white thinking and he sometimes wields that for his own gain and I hate when he does that can he just have fun and take things less seriously? But I think he’ll get it. He’s competent. And he loves the server. He wouldn’t destroy it even on accident because someone would call him out before that happens. It’s going to be fine. 

Ash: 

Ash can be mean and also not care about the good that our side is doing and just wave them away saying they’re just evil. He does’t get it. But also he’s quite the actor. He puts on a lore face when he logs on, you can see it in season 4 with the wormhole. You can see it when he logs on for the justice league returns and he’s so committed to being good and fighting evil and as Zam is killing Mid in the background and he’s all shocked as if he was not the one who goaded Zam into killing her moments before. It’s a character. Even when it feels like it shouldn’t be. He does take random events in stride, pulling up the meditation guidance video when they all got killed. He’s stressed out by it, but also takes it with some levity. He’ll be fine. He just chose a questionable character to act this season and didn’t know how to balance his position as admin separate from his need to win. But he’ll be fine.

Can you see how this is exhausting? This is my brain on the daily. 

Every day I find myself working through each person one after another as something small comes up to threaten the balance, or reinforce the good.

This is when I noticed this wasn’t simple excitement about the lore, thinking and guessing about what might happen.  It was the same thoughts over and over and over. And I couldn’t stop a line of thought until I mentioned all the things. That’s what made me look up ocd. 

But back to it, I’m actually so much more okay with Ash because it’s been a couple seasons with him. I’m starting to see his tells. So I can just let the rough parts slide away. 

And that’s really what I just have to accept. That I can’t self soothe my way into being okay. Resisting acknowledging what I’m afraid of is just making me spiral more. 

We’ve seen people choose to leave after stressful seasons. We know some people become aware that they aren’t cut out for Lifesteal. Or they just don’t want to be. Some of these members might decide that. And Lifesteal has continued despite members leaving. 

OMg can I please stop cataloging how it will be fine?

I have to sit with the reality and realize nothing bad DID happen, NOT that nothing bad MIGHT happen. 

(This is unironically so counterintuitive to my brain. What do you mean I have to just accept that nothing bad happened, what if something bad does happen!) (But that’s what anxiety looks like. That’s not a good)

How do you convince yourself that you can’t predict the future? Asking for a friend.

I think it goes back to caring. I don’t think I’m allowed to care about any of this. That it’s silly, or dumb, or immature. 

It was, in fact, in caring itself that the loss of Techno was so painful.

So I don’t allow myself to care. To get too invested. Any time I see that I’m caring I push up on the walls of my trenches and shove that shit out. Only analytical thoughts in here. Measurable, quote-filled analyses.

But caring does not therefore mean there will be a loss.

So. Okay. Pivot. What am I really afraid of? 

I’m afraid the server will end. That something will make Zam give up and leave. 

Wow. I thought that was going to be a long ass paragraph but it really is just that. I know I’ll stop watching lifesteal if Zam is gone. Unless someone new comes in that has his same spark and dedication. Unlikely. 

So that threat is the worst. 

And I’ve seen his interest wax and wane. I know he can disappear for a month. 

But I also know he can come back. And he’s been a lot more mature and healthy and confident in being the streamer of Lifesteal. In how much he loves the server. 

Which is where pb&j being such a threat to the fabric of how lore is done is so scary, because that changes Zam’s care. But then again. It really didn’t. He just pivots. 

One of the most healing things has been watching the old members leave and continue to make content. And seeing how they choose to make their exit. They honored the server and the time they were there, in Rek’s case uplifting Lifesteal.net, in Parrot’s in completely reediting all his footage into a cohesive story. 

And then they still make content together. All the members make content with each other outside of Lifesteal. (And those that left the internet forever, that was okay too)

So that’s nice. Some bad things came to pass, and they've shown their response to it. Also Zam taking a break didn’t change how the lore was created, so that wouldn’t be a trigger. 

The trigger from that fear would be if he did leave, my brain would go into high gear looking for who was going to die. And I would have a new post to write lol. 

The trigger that is still tilting me is that pb&j changed how the lore was made, and my brain went *danger* *danger* This is something that happened last time and you know how that turned out! Start looking for who is going to die!

And it stopped me from seeing how this is not the same situation. The pattern for a death that I think I’m seeing, is not a pattern. 

And sitting with how nothing DID go wrong, that fear did not come to pass, is exposure therapy.

Because nothing went catastrophically wrong with the season 5 finale. I just keep closing my eyes, sitting in the problematic lore, and not accepting what actually happened at the end of the season, and freaking out that disaster is coming.

So what happened?

Season 5, you tried to kill my server. 

But The server resisted. (Hahahah undertale reference!)

Clown came back. Ro came back. Branzy betrayed everyone for Clown. Bacon and Zam sat in vc the entire finale fight. Mapicc fought until he couldn’t.

Spepticle gave his account then fought for it back. Pangi gave his account. Spoke gave his account. Red did the blessings/curses as Zam wanted. 4C said he was glad to give Minute the presidency because he knew Minute wanted peace and he knew peace was not an option in Lifesteal. Actually the quietest of goats. Didn’t realize he thought that deeply about the server. 

And it meant so much that Clownpierce, who hasn’t been meaningfully involved since the season 3 finale, came back and fought for his server. He made Lifesteal season 2. It’s always been his domain and he fought for its soul.

That’s the season 5 finale. 

The Players fought for Lifesteal. The server resisted destruction. 

This chapter is closed. This season got it’s ending. And it’s “not like last time” like my brain keeps thinking. 

The season might have ended with a lot of unknowns for how it will affect season 6. Will these old members still care? Will pb&j be a menace still? 

But what happened was a moment where everyone came together to care about the server. And that means the anxiety was unfounded. If something happens like this again, I have an example where everything didn’t fall apart to counter my fear that it will. 

See you around!

If you actually read to the end you’re amazing. Hopefully this is something you can do in your life to help understand what is the cause of your pain and anxiety. I wasn’t going to post it initially, but working it out as a post I could theoretically show to other people helped make it way more real than trying to work it out in my head, talking to myself. I had to write it in such a way that someone else would understand. Even if I didn’t post it. 

I’ll probably have many more days of writing when I notice a new trigger. Exposure therapy isn’t a one and done. (I probably won’t post any of those.)

But my body feels so much more relaxed now. Something has shifted in my head as a result of writing this all down.

Good luck!

[linguisticillustrations]

Pitch trace of the utterance "it's not that I", showing a peak on the negation not. A funky way of illustrating pitch? Pitch before Praat?

Labov, William & David Fanshel. 1977. Therapeutic discourse: psychotherapy as conversation. New York: Academic Press. [Figure 3, page 45]

A footnote explains the visualization this way: "Spectral Dynamics Real-Time Analyzer 301C with output displayed on a Tektronix 611 storage oscilloscope. The analyzer synthesizes 500 filters every 50 milliseconds over a variety of frequency ranges; the analysis can be terminated after any given number of filters and a new sweep started immediately. The pitch contour display used throughout this volume is made with a frequ ency range of 5,000 Hz. Each filter has a nominal bandwidth of 10 Hz and an effective bandwidth of 15 Hz. The sweep is terminated after the first 110 filters, so that a spectrum is generated every 11 milliseconds. The display on the oscilloscope is logarithmic and cuts off at 54 db below maximum. High-pass filtering at 12 db per octave begins at 3,000 Hz, and, in addition, the roll-off of the Nagra IV-S tape recorder - LS + FA - is used. Volume is then adjusted so that only the peaks of the wave forms are visible, thus tracing the path of the fundamental frequency without the interference of other signals"

[nova-lightz]

Cherry Magic & Colour Symbolism

I swear there was a post about this that I reblogged, but for some reason, I can't find it anymore??? So, I'm going to make my own post inspired by the original while also adding some of my own thoughts.

Adachi is usually surrounded by yellow/warm colors when in environments he's most comfortable in; for example, his room!

Once Kurosawa starts to influence Adachi's life, he becomes enveloped by cool colours, mostly blue. Either that or warm and cool colours appear on/near Adachi in tandem, like the scarf Kurosawa lent to him. It's blue and white (cool) and also has a bright red stripe (warm). There's also the completely blue pajama set Kurosawa gave Adachi when he slept over at Kurosawa's apartment. At that point, Adachi was fully immersed in Kurosawa's presence.

Here's an instance where we see how the colour symbolism is used to convey the state of Adachi's and Kurosawa's relationship. I find this shot really interesting because the warm wood of the front door and cabinets perfectly block in Adachi on the right while the left side of the shot is made up of blue and white, which blocks in Kurosawa. While the two guys are distanced equally apart from each other by the dining table, the narrow space of warm colours on the right is overpowered by the wide space of cool colours on the left. The background reflects how Adachi is feeling during episode 2, overwhelmed by Kurosawa's affection.

In the movie we pretty much see the exact opposite happen once Kurosawa moves into Adachi's apartment! Kurosawa's blue bed has now replaced Adachi's and there are various blue objects scattered around the living room. They all work together visually signaling to the viewer "Kurosawa is sharing this space now". Adachi's signature yellow motif is still the most prominent though, cause the apartment was originally just his.

In this shot, unlike the one in Kurosawa's dining room during episode 2, we see a pretty much equal distribution of yellow and blue! Adachi is in his very-much yellow half of the shot while Kurosawa resides in the kitchen which has a very blue tint to it, while this shot makes thematic sense (it is showing how Adachi's and Kurosawa's relationship is finally balanced) it also works to reinforce characterization. What I'm saying is, of course, the blue space that represents Kurosawa is Adachi's kitchen, KUROSAWA LOVES TO COOK!!! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!

Now, I can point out and analyze colour theory in Cherry Magic screenshots all fucking day, but I actually have a question I want to pose to people because even I don't know what would be the best fitting answer. The thing that has got me stumped is, in the context of a sun/moon dynamic, who would be the sun and who would be the moon in this relationship? I wanna draw fanart based on the sun/moon trope and I dunno what to do.

Is Adachi the sun because he's literally represented by yellow/warm colours or is he the moon because the moon is associated with shyness, going with the flow, and being "the supportive one". Is Kurosawa the moon because he's literally represented by blue/cool colours or is he the sun because the sun is associated with charisma, leadership skills, and liveliness?

Kurosawa's also described by Adachi as "blinding" multiple times, so that makes him sound like he has sun energy, BUT HE'S FUCKING ASSOCIATED WITH BLUE ALL THE TIME, AND BLUE IS A NIGHTTIME COLOUR!!! I DUNNO WHAT TO PICK!!! HELP!!! SOMEONE, HELP ME PLEASE, I JUST WANNA MAKE CUTE FANART!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭