#dude. im barely here. because i work all day. and i dont want to be

[mxwhore]

pissed tess tuesday

[mooooonnnzz]

I saw your earlier post on Platonic fics and Im a sucker for them so here u go : father figure stanford headcannons maybe takes place after he comes back from the portal, reader is an adventurous spirit that works at the shack and maybe secretly helped stan get his brother back? Idk im just throwing things here lol

You Know I Love You Still

Stanford x daughter!reader

💗 stanford dad hc!!

💗 i literally saw the request it and started writing and got a lil carried away 😭 its like half story half hc? if that makes sense

💗 requests r so open rn! i def dont have any fav requests… (anything platonic or familial will be the first ones i write i LOVE those types of requests)

💗 the age of the reader is young like 16/17? ik that lowkey contradicts with the time line but wtv STANFORD DAD HC!!

💗 it’s a little bit of everything? like it’s not only just reader and stanford, the twins r also included in some scenarios and also stan

💗 a big happy family 😭

💗 fem reader gulp i completely didnt realize until i was done that i used she/her when referring to the reader

💗 next fic will use gender neutral pronouns I SWUEAR!!

💗2k words

💗 i apologize for rhe misspell and mistakes i didnt catch in advance

Working together with your Uncle Stan to build the portal to bring your dad back to the right dimension was tiresome. Nights were sleepless and many of them were spent in the underground lab, where you and Stan did everything possible to assemble the portal. Trying to keep such a secret away from the twins and Soos was unexpectedly hard. The knowledge of hiding someone so vital to you and to your Uncle Stan was weighing down on you and him. Then came the day where his awaited arrival was promised. You could barely sleep that night. You thought of so many different possibilities and scenarios of how you would greet him. Would he remember you? Did he ever miss you? Does he even love you?!

The next day came in like a tornado and before you knew it, you were protectively standing in front of the button; trying your absolute hardest to prevent the twins from pressing the button.

“Why do you guys want to stop the portal so badly!” You yelled over the loud swirling wind that emitted from the portal. “Because it’s dangerous!” Dipper retorted, using his arm to shield him from the debris whizzing past him. “G-Grunkle Stan isn’t who he says he is!” Dipper said, stepping closer to you.

“Whatever you guys saw or heard isn’t what you think it is! Please, you need to believe me.” You begged, your eyes brimming with tears. You’ve worked so hard to get this portal up and running and you weren’t going to let Dipper or anyone stop you from being able to see your dad.

Soos came up from behind and wrapped his arms around you. “I’m sorry, dude.” He picked you up and took you away from the button. “Soos, no!” You thrashed around his hold. You pound your fists against his arms, hoping it’ll loosen his grip on you but nothing you did worked. No matter how much you begged and fought against him, he didn’t budge. He just held you closer to him, muttering ‘I’m Sorry’ under his breath.

“This all stops now!” Dipper raised his hand, palm flattened out, ready to push the button when Stan appeared at the doorway. “Don’t touch that button!”

He’s hunched forward, hand leaning on the frame of the doorway as he pants. Relief washes over you upon seeing Stan. Silence fills the room for a minute and all you can hear is your heart hammer against your ribcage. Stan walks towards Dipper, beckoning him to not press the button.

“If you just let me explain—“ He’s cut off by his watch repeatedly beeping. Suddenly the ground begins to shake.

The portal powers up and the circle enlarges. The electricity spazzes and travels throughout the room, creating streaks of electrical power. Your feet lift off the ground and soon everyone’s floating up in the air. The wind is fierce and it’s whipping through every direction, pushing you towards the wall.

Dipper yells at Mable to turn off the portal before it causes anymore damage. She tugs herself closer to the button using a stray cable and while she wraps herself around the neck holding up the button, Stan is begging her to listen to him and to not press the button. He’s soon tackled by Soos who pushes him away from Mable. They all fight with each other and you’re watching with a bated breath.

The portal pulses with power, sending you back first into the wall. Stan and Dipper bicker back and forth and Mable is torn with the decision of either believing her brother or her Grunkle. She lowers her hand, eyes closed and you're almost convinced she’s going to press the button when she lets go of the button. She floats up with her arms raised. “Grunkle Stan, I believe you.” She says.

“Mable, are you crazy?! We’re all gonna—!”

The world flashes white and you're immediately knocked out. You awaken to yourself plummeting face first down to the floor. You groan, pushing yourself up with one hand and the other wiping off the dust on your face. Looking around you can see your family scattered around the room, each of them slowly waking up from whatever happened and stumbling back to their feet.

Your head quickly whips towards the portal and your heart lurches into your throat upon seeing a figure step out of it. He stands still, staring straight ahead as he takes off his hood and goggles. And what hid behind them was your father.

After the initial shock of meeting the one behind the three books and the reveal of him being related to Stan was pushed aside, you presented yourself with the help of Stan. “H-Hi, Dad.” You awkwardly greet yourself.

His eyes stop on you and he freezes, eyes blown wide and mouth slightly ajar. He takes a minute to process the absurdity of the situation before he’s snapping back to consciousness. He blinks once, his mouth stuttering as he finds the right words to say. He then blinks again, stepping a cautious step towards you. Your name softly spills out of his mouth and your heart soars hearing your Dad finally utter your name again.

You take a step forward and then another and another until you’re face to face with him. Being closer to him allowed you to see how much he has aged since the last time you saw him. “Dad…” You whisper, throwing yourself into him.

A light wheeze escapes his mouth from the sudden impact of your body crashing on him. Once he recovers, his arms are quickly wrapped around you, hugging you with so much warmth and love you almost sobbed right then and there.

He snuggled his face against your hair, breathing in your familiar scent he missed so dearly while he was away. “We have so much to catch up on.” You say so quietly that he almost lost your words if it wasn’t for you being directly near his ear. He hums in affirmation, cherishing the long awaited reunion with his daughter.

“I feel like this is another part where one of us faints again.” Mable says in utter disbelief at the scene that unfolded in front of her. “Ohoh!” Soos laughed out. “I’m so on it, dudes.” As if on command his eyes roll to the back of his head and he faints flat on his back.

HEADCANON TIME!!

• You weren’t really expecting to talk to him much due to Stan wanting to talk to his brother, but after their fight, he came looking for you. When he found you, you were sitting on the couch that was outside on the porch. You were reading a book you recently purchased from the bookstore. Nose deep in your book, you failed to realize Ford standing beside you. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his trench coat. Quietly he asked, “Is there room for one more?”

• The night was spent with the two of you getting to know each other. From your favorite color to your favorite show, what food you like to eat and so on. Ford wanted to fully understand and know you as a person. He wanted to make up all the years he lost with you.

• The next day, you awoke to the smell of your favorite breakfast food being cooked. With haste you pushed your blanket off of you and slipped on your slippers and sped off into the kitchen where Ford was buttering the pan. He looked over to you and flashed you a smile. “I made you your favorite.” He said, motioning over to the table where he laid out your breakfast. “You didn’t have to do this.” You scratched your cheek, a small laugh of surprise leaving you. “I’m just doing what I always dreamed of doing.” He shoveled out his breakfast onto his plate using a spatula. “How’s the food, kiddo?” He asks, placing the pan and spatula on the dirty side of the sink. “Actually pretty good for someone who hasn't been in this dimension for over a decade!” You jest, taking another delicious bite from your breakfast. Ford jokingly rolled his eyes, ruffling your hair as he walked past you and sat down on his chair. “Already poking fun at me.” He said, shaking his head.

• Stanford knew he had to focus on his projects, he had so many things he left unfinished that he'd been dying to get his hands on the minute he stepped foot into his dimension. But he couldn’t seem to pull himself away from you. He loved seeing you interact with the twins, he loved watching how pieces of his personality shone through you. Like the way you’re so meticulous with where you put things, or how you were forever curious about the things around you, and even the abundance of questions you’d mutter to yourself as you discovered something new. That’s all of him right there, in front of him and he couldn’t grasp such a thought that you were his!

• He finds himself gazing upon baby photos Stan took of you when you were younger. Even if he’s angry at his twin currently, he’s forever grateful that he documented such beautiful memories in a scrapbook. “Y’know, I used to tell stories about you to her.” A shriek leaves Ford. He jumps forward, the scrapbook tumbling down his lap and onto the floor. “You idiot! Be careful.” Stan sneered, kneeling down to the floor to pick up the scrapbook. “Stanley!” Ford leans his head back, trying to regain his composure. “You scared me!” He says. “Yeah, yeah. I know.” Stan waves him off, grabbing the scrapbook and tucking it in between his arms. They stand in awkward silence, eyes darting around the place uneasily. “Did…” Ford starts, shattering the silence. “Did she like the stories you told of me?” Stan smiles fondly, nodding his head. “She loved them. She thought you were some stupid amazing superhero, no matter what I told her.” Ford furrowed his brows. “Wait, what do you mean by no matter what you told her?” Stan nervously laughed. “Hey, why don’t you keep looking at these photos! Wait here, look at this one. Haha! She’s trying to eat her toes, isn’t that adorable?” “Stanley.”

• Outings between the two of you were very common. He loved being tugged around the town of Gravity Falls by you as you pointed at various different shops and locations. You told him the reasons why you hated them or loved them, and some were tied to stories that happened within the summer. He seriously questioned how you and the twins survived so many times where you were just so close to death. The mall was a place where you and him resided the most. With the money he took from Stan, he paid for almost everything you wanted. Entering the shack with so many bags was a shock to everyone. “Woah! Did you buy the whole mall?” Mable jokes, grabbing one of the bags to help you with the load. “Basically,” you laughed, instructing Mable to rally Soos and Dipper to have a little haul of what you bought. Stan watched with a raised brow as you stumbled into the living room with Mable following closely behind. “Where did you get all the money to buy her all of that?” Stan asks. “Just stole some money from some hobo.” Ford said, walking into the living room to join in on the haul. Stan didn’t understand what he said and opened the cash register. When he saw all the money he had stored the day before gone, it all clicked.

• Adventures out in the woods is a must. Gathering the twins and your dad, all four of you venture out into the woods in hopes to find something new. “Why couldn’t Grunkle Stan tag along with us?” Mable asked as she kneeled down to pluck a flower from the dirt. “Because he’s being a wet towel.” Dipper muttered, scribbling down a rough drawing of the flower Mable was picking in a book you bought him. “So what kind of anomalies you three stumbled upon?” Ford questioned. You and the twins began to dump everything onto him, from when you started seeing them to when Dipper and Mable came. Ford couldn’t truly focus on what they were saying, mostly because it was a jumbled excited mess of words, but partially because he was astonished with the trio in front of him. They went through so much and yet they’re still so headstrong. He could definitely see a little bit of him in Dipper and Mable.

• Stan would find you and Ford fallen asleep on the couch or in his lab, all huddled up together and completely knocked out. Snores filled the room and he found it amusing that you and him both snores the same. Videos and photos were definitely taken by Mable.

• Ford would tell stories of his adventures in another dimension to you. Stemming from how he started from the ground up to him getting banned from many other dimensions for stealing parts. “You’re not so different from Uncle Stan,” You laughed, shaking your head. “What! It was only a few…hundred dimensions.”

• There’s times where you’d wake up in a cold sweat, afraid that your Dad finally coming back was just a painful dream your brain played on you. But when you would get ready to find him, you’d step on his stomach or back. “Ough!” Ford groaned out in pain. Being suddenly woken up from his sleep, he sat up, looking around confused. “What are you doing sleeping on the floor?” You sat back down on your bed, pulling the blankets over you. “Is there a problem with me sleeping on the floor?” Ford asks, looking at you with squinted eyes. “No, no.” You laid back down on your bed. “Go back to sleep. I’m better now,” You say, somewhat amused with Ford sleeping on the floor beside your bed. “Goodnight, I love you.” You brush your fingers playfully across his face to annoy him. He shoves your fingers away from his face, huffing out. “Goodnight,” He shuffles to his side, looking up to you with a small smile. “I love you more, kiddo.”

[poppy-metal]

dbf pat beating the fuck out of your cheating asshole douchebag boyfriend. im talking so bad it's like that scene from jennifer's body where they say the guy jen killed looked like "lasagna with teeth"

my tip will get sticky stop.... protective older patrick..... nevermind the guy is pretty much in the same vein he used to be in college - he needs to be a heartless sack of shit to someone other girl. not you. putting a bag of iced peas on his knuckles for him later, patrick thought you'd be smiling ear to ear. these days - any proof that patrick cared about you, you took in stride. when he gave an inch - you took it as a mile, and all that.

but your bottom lip is jutted out and you look sad and you have tears teetering on your lashes like raindrops and he fucking hates it when you cry. "fuck that guy." because thats what you're upset about. "dont cry over him."

but you shake your head - dart your eyes up to his face and sniffle. you lift the frozen peas to look at the red, inflamed flesh of his knuckles. frown at it and press the pack back down. "you got hurt over me." you tell him. you wont look at him now, even though he ducks his head to try and catch your eyes. "m'always causing you trouble." you sound like you're about to cry over it.

and well. "sure fucking do." but he hooks the stool you're sitting on and jerks it closer to him when you blink and make to stand up. you fall back on your ass when you're brought in, letting out a squeak. this time when patrick hooks his chin down, you meet his gaze with yours. "but I'm an adult - "

"so am i -"

"- barely. dont interrupt me. I mean. im the responsible party here. i could make you fuck off. but I don't."

you look at his lips. wet and pink and you wonder what the scruff of his stubble would feel like against your jaw. so different from the baby soft chin of her ex she's used to. a mans mouth. a mans lips on hers. a mans tongue inside her mouth.

"but you dont." you echo, leaning closer to him. he smells so good. like something intensely.... male. sweat but good sweat. something minty. cologne? it made your mouth water. his hand in your lap with the frozen peas flexes as you draw nearer. "you should just give in -"

a hand comes up, his finger halting your mouth from getting closer. he keeps it there for a second, before his palm skates down your throat - and his hand wraps around your neck.

"you really want me to fuck you?" he says, almost to himself. he sounds like hes really just realizing that for the first time, even though you've made that obvious for awhile now. so you dont answer, you just look at him. like, duh, dude. he exhales. his thumb presses into a pulse point on your throat. "you'd let me do whatever the fuck i wanted to you."

thats not a question. you swallow. he feels the motion under his palm. feels the spit travel down your throat.

"it turned me on so much to see you beat my boyfriend up." you breathe, honest. "im still wet over it."

"hes not your boyfriend." his hand tightens momentarily around you. his eyes are hard on yours. he's serious about that. no fucking around. "you go back to him and I'll beat your ass instead of his next time for being fucking stupid."

your lashes flutter. you inhale. he probably knew what threatening you like that did to you. he probably knew your little cunt just flooded with slick at the tone of his voice - at the mere threat of his hands on your ass.

you lick your lips, "yes sir."

he breathes out a quiet, 'shit.' dropping his hand from your throat. he pulls his injured hand from your lap. it'd stopped hurting ages ago. it'd just felt nauseatingly good to be doted on. he was fucking sick.

you watched him as he stood up, ran a hand through his hair.

you asked, "when are you gonna give me what i want?"

and he looked at you. jaw working side to side. you sounded so goddamn sure of yourself. like it was only a matter of time. like it was inevitable that he'd fuck you.

he needed a fucking cigarette.

"go to bed, you fucking brat."

he brushed by you - because you'd managed to needle your way into spending the night at his again. he was already fishing a pack out of his pocket, tapping a cigarette free when you called out behind him, "you have a really great ass!"

he knew he did. he threw a glare at you over his shoulder, cigarette dangling between his lips. you giggled.

[dyke-pollinator]

Im in the mood for a story

Im a little drunk and im in the mood to share a story with yall of when I was out living in Nevada. This was back in 2017 or so.

This story requires some backstory so please indulge me.

I was a crew leader, managing a group of 4-9 people ranging from 18-23 ( I was 24 at the time). Part of that meant helping them integrate into the new location they moved to (Reno, Nevada) despite living out of my car at this time.

One of my crew members, who I will call Shawn, was...... Interesting to say the least. He was a pretty interesting person, but was definitely way too interested in falling in love while on this job.

So while he was out with some other members on their off week, he confessed his feelings for another crew member who turned him down. He proceeded to seriously harm himself. So now, on my crew, I had to manage that shit and make sure he wasn’t a risk to himself. Because of course this motherfucker was on my crew and technically my responsibility.

Everything was basically fine. Shawn and the other member barely interacted and we were learning a lot about how to cut down trees safely.

During one of our hitches (time in the field) where we were building cattle fences on the border of Utah, this bitch decided he wanted to go for a walk. So idk if you know what the middle of no where Utah looks like but its basically the same as this for 100 miles in every directions 

Barely any geographic features. Insanely easy to get lost. 

We had a rule where if you were gonna split off from the group,  you had to let the crew lead (me) know, and you had to explicitly say where you were gonna go. He decided he wanted cell phone signal one night, and told no one where he was going.

He got lost. In the middle of the desert. I need you to understand how horrifying that is. There’s nothing out there. You can walk for 200+ miles (350km) in any direction and find literally nothing. Especially on the Nevada / Utah border. 

By 8pm we were all wondering where he was till a random person was like “Oh he went that was looking for signal”. Like wtf? Excuse me? We searched in the direction he went for like 4 hours before we called emergency services & our organization that was gonna send out reinforcements to help us look.

We parked our giant truck on the top on the highest hill around us, with our high beems on, and blared on the horn all night, hoping that he was going to find his way back to us. He never did.

We spent 38 hours looking for this person, and since we all knew his history, we legitimately thought he was dead.\

The next day we had the whole BLM (Bureau of Land Management) looking for him. They were about to call in the fucking helicopters.

Now, this next part is gonna sound like some bullshit I just made up but I stg it is true. My dumbass forgot to restock the first aid kit. My co-lead got stung by a bee / wasp while we were doing a grid search, and for the first time in his life, he had a major allergic reaction that none of the leftover meds we had would take down.

So we had to take him into town (an approximately 15 mile drive on back roads) and I did it since I was one of the few that was allowed to drive our trucks.

This motherfucker, Shawn, literally stumbled across the road while I was driving my co-lead into to town. Idk how the fuck he found this road. Idk how the fuck his timing was absolutely perfect. But we found him. After 56 hours when all of us thought he was already dead.

We would have NEVER found him if not for this random happenstance. Some divine power wanted this kid alive I swear. Its some of the most insane shit I have ever experienced.

And here’s the kicker: THIS HAPPENED ON THE 3RD DAY OF AN 8 DAY PROJECT AND THEY MADE ALL OF US FINISH OUR WORK INCLUDING THE DUDE THAT WAS LAST FOR THAT LONG

The moral is never trust Non-profit organizations. They dont give a fuck about you. 

And if yall wanna head this story from Shawn’s perspective just lmk I am happy to share it.

[thegeminisage]

much as it pains me, i only have an hour or so before bedtime so i've decided to press on to gerudo town...i want my snow boots before i try to get that memory and i KNOW they are there

omg this stable has boxes everywhere?! my buddy is here too. where to even begin

YOOOOO evil zelda has been at work here.........telling them not to go near the WELL in a DESERT?

cleaning up thi hoarder junk lol just like real life

man...it's so SAD to be their final customer :( it's sad they have to close up forever...

oh!! he wants art for the stable's final days 😭

geez, those are some tough pictures to get...i'll do my best, but not tonight lol

evil zelda saying stay away from the well is why it's shutting down!!! noooo

girl why does everyone obey her like that, like against logic...the monarchy barely means anything anymore. shes my babygirl but like if my stable was closing bc of some nonsense order i would simply violate the order

DONT TAKE ME OUT OF THE WELL I NEED THAT LOOT........

OMG yessssss FROGGY LEGGINGS!!!!!! god at LAST...only ONE MORE PIECE TO GO............

if i cleaned the well out does that mean the stable can open again 🥺

oh, when your meal pouch is full addison gives you rupees twice lol

im in the desert and i HATE. SAND. anakin skywalker was right about everything

oooh but it looks so different...the bazaar...what IS that tall thing...how do i sneak in this time lol

this poor korok will have to wait til i get my fucking sand & snow boots

oh cool you can rent a sand seal with a CARRIER now...love it

ah, i see. i guess i can take the korok after all lol. one less for later!

this sand shroud business seems SPOOKY...wild weather in real life fascinates me, and so too does wild video game weather

damn this old lady is fucking jaded. begging me not to drop dead in front of her lol

oh FUN this gerudo is teaching me like, gerudo language, and she's trying to teach me how to make the "v" sound...which i know, because english, but in japanese they don't have that i don't think. COOOOLL

lol a rito just named guy

ah, the updraft is to fly over the shroud...very good. i remember the map not working in botw and it was scary lol

but i still wonder how i get in??

just like when i did the story in the other areas i activate the shrines and leave them behind...smh. at least this time i have the excuse of "it's almost bedtime"

WHAT is this big mushroom thing with the bud in it??? looks almost like a lightroot

i've officially hit 999 brightbloom seeds lol. the game won't let me pick up anymore

oh wow the map going fuzzy is just as bad as i remember lol. it's bedtime but i just GOTTA get to town first...i think i remember an npc saying something about zombies i WANT TO SEE THE REDEADS (or do i)

okay. so.

i got. in. like by just. walking in.

saw a redead. immediately froze in terror.

it's not moving. i'm not moving. alright. alright

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I SHOT IT AND IT GOT BACK UP KILL IT WITH FIRE

killed it with fire. don't like that

GIBDO BONE..........................it is literally not a gibdo. it's not a mummy. it's a redead!!!

shit fuck this looks. so bad. hudson's poor daughter...where even IS everyone

riju's not here...but i found her diary

my friends link and zelda are in hyrule and they'll take care of it 😭

geez she is so young to be dealing with all of this...older now but still

SNOWSHOE DUDE????

oh my god he's FINALLY in........but to what avail..................

so, everyone is hiding in the wells...

wow, even the bar is fucked up......tragic

where tf are the wells?

OH i found one!!! a square well!

message in a BOTTLE!!!! JUST LIKE OOT

oh lol it's a love letter from a gerudo. girl.......you can't just put love letters in bottles...you and finley both...enough

oh i found the way in but i don't have the girl clothes :( idk how to do it!!!

BULIARA WITH THE STEEL CHAIR

omg i get the special exception rule <3 i guess thats better than the last game...?

man they arent even allowed to talk to me lol

oh, these guys don't seem to know the trick - killing them with fire lol

another heroines quest! i'll be honest i didn't really understand the first one...

omg they put a guy in JAIL for coming in here...they're serious!!

ok the last thing i wanted to do before bed, which i am late for, was get my shoes. i had to look up the location but AAAA theres two redeads in my way!!!!!!!!! literally kill with fire

i am so tense and hypervigilant walking thru this town. my eyes sweeping everywhere between steps. i am NOT gonna get jumped by one of those motherfuckers this close 2 bedtime

oh god FINALLY made it

those brightbloom seeds just paid for my desert vai armor! of course i had enough for the boots and bought them first lol

well it's more than half an hour past the bedtime i wanted

but i unblocked the door and walked out

saw a redead shambling towards me. went back in.

that's a sign. that's for future liz to deal with tomorrow. eugh

[chaoticgremlinbrainspace]

why I think dick greyson having ADHD would be neat

adhd is a complex disorder that has a multitude of symptoms that present differently in each person, along with there being 3 types there's also commorbidies that can add onto and or obscure the adhd or the other disorder itself, and with this information I think it would be neat to apply this to dick Greyson in a way that stays as in character as a person who barely remembers canon can do.  also I think his adhd would change as it often does to be more subtle as an adult (adult adhd) vs his adhd in childhood and teen years. Hyperactivity: hyperactivity isn't just physical it can also be mental too, racing thoughts and all that, some people say their thoughts run slow instead of fast. I think as a kid dick was probably pretty physically active(and still is lmao) which is one of the recommendations for helping with adhd symptoms, exercise. this would fit bc this dude is an acrobat, so he has an outlet for excessive energy right there. that and ive noted that a lot of people have dick constantly moving. there's also the thing of excessive physical movement, so the whole dick likes to do ten thousand backflips on patrol could link back to that lol.this could also go into stimming, leg bounces, finger/foot tapping, pacing, rubbing things like shirts in repetitive motions etc. this could also go with his inherent chattiness, as this is also a symptom of adhd. along with an inability to be quiet and speaking not when its appropriate or out of turn, blurting things out too, I will say a lot of theses types of symptoms can be explained as “batman training helps mask this shit so hard by like either giving a routine to follow/massive Anxiety that forces him not too on the job”. he would probably Experience a lot of edginess and restlessness in adulthood especially as the hyperactivity can often morph into an underlying sorta energy, maybe it runs under the skin like something alive that wants out, who knows. there's also the lack of a sense of danger and risk taking, and having little to no regaurd for personal safety pr the safety of others. I think this could fit, like what's more risk taking than being a superhero? and the lack of safety for others is another “batman training” moment because you bet your ass other people’s safety was drilled into child dick. and while im not sure bc I know canon about as well as I know what's under the couch, but I think you could work the lack of personal safety in pretty well, as from what ive seen this dude is prone to taking hits for other people(not like one hundred percent confident my memory is dog shit💀) and his whole life style could be in part to the risk taking, not all of it because I also know he wants to help people but it started out as wanting to murder kill a guy, lol. anyway my guy is out here swinging around the city heights with a grappling hook and years of acrobatting. there is another symptom of acting without thinking, and I think this one could be explained in a child--->adult sense. as a kid he was more prone too it, but like I said and probably will keep saying batman training and tbh I think the impulsivity that he would keep a clamp on during his nightjob would probably be more in his day time ventures, not to say I dont think dick wouldn't ever act impulsively as rightwing in fact it probably does happen, here's where I think a thick cocktail of Anxiety caused by adhd and batman training out tag team and have him wildly compensate for that shit. that and I think it would be interesting if rightwing acted a bit impulsive from time to time and had to plan around that on the fly, god knows iv’e had too. there's also extreme impatience, which again bad memory strikes again and I personally have little knowledge on this dudes patience, it might have to be another thing hes just gotten better at with age(like having strategies to help with shit) INATTENTIVE: having a short attention span, or being easily distracted, being unable to stick to tedious or boring tasks, seeming forgetful, losing things, constantly changing the task, being unable to listen and carry out instructions, making careless mistakes, having difficulty organizing and prioritizing tasks, all fall under the “batman training/Anxiety is a bitch” category where I am pretty confident that dick is shown to be able to do a lot of these things, well I bring you  combination of “he has a system for this shit” and “hyperfixation”, I think he could definitely still be an outstanding leader with adhd, he would just need a shit more discipline to run it well, because he would have to work around these symptoms in particular which you can its just tiring. and as such I think he would exhibit these symptoms more in his day time life, I just think it would help make for a greater contrast between dick Greyson and nightwing which would help him with his identity security, after all who would suspect dick Greyson is nighwing if nightwing seems so much more on top of the ball than dick? he would have to be super organized for that though which he could pull off with a lot of effort. there's also continually starting new tasks before finishing others, which I feel like, crime is never really over?? so its more like one big task with little task bits with more task bits. honestly nightwing with adhd seeming super on top of things in comparison to dick would be funny to me sorta like an adhd power fantasy gbdfhsnkj. anyway.  OTHER SHIT PEOPLE DONT REALLY TALK ABOUT BUT SUCKS ASS ANYWAY: emotional deregulation!!! wooo!!! impaired ability to regulate emotions and responses to situations which can cause them to be extreme and ill fitting of the situation, like getting really fucking angry! getting fucking despondent! Absolute heart break over something that in hindsight wasn't as bad as you thought fuck man it still sucks! I think this would be another it was way worse in childhood thing for dick, like anger issues and shit, especially as a teen when not only are hormones fucking you up so is the fall out with batman lmao. the dysregulation really fucks with like, what someone can take im saying dick Greyson with adhd could be a more sensitive person. which again I think would be neat bc as he grows up he would have to find work arounds and shit, that or the only shit that really hits is from friends and family, he doesn't give a flying fuck other wise. this is were I bring up RSD the fucking asshole of adhd related shit. Rejecton sensitive dysphoria where upon perceived failure or rejection there's severe emotional damage, it can even feel physical, like a stab through the chest. I think this shit would definitely feed into a positive feed back loop of being angry and hurt at people, and probably sucked extra shit when he fought with bruce (my timeline is a bit fucked ok?) and a lot of times to cope with this people fall under being a people pleaser, or just giving up on people entirely, maybe a combo of the two. there's also mood swings and inability to Control frustration and anger. I feel like this shit would be really hard during teenage years due to events for dick lol. ALSO if he has gone undiagnosed through adulthood he would probably also be suffering from shit like depression, low self esteem, and frustration and irritation. once again additude to the rescue with a handy little bit about untreated adult adhd,  “Adults who have ADHD but do not know it are at much higher risk than the general population for serious problems. Mood disorders, extreme sadness, and anxiety often occur when ADHD goes undiagnosed. Even if these conditions are are treated, the underlying problem, if left untreated, leads to other problems.” undiagnosed adhd is serious especially if you dont get help, you can just end up feeling like a piece of shit who can do anything. that being said I don’t know if dick would ever end up diagnosed with adhd as a kid? adhd is easy to misdiagnose as it has a lot of overlapping symptoms with other disorders, and is highly compatible with serval. I honestly dont have the tightest grasp on Alfred and Bruces characters to know if they would even think of ever getting dick checked for that, I dont mean to assume or anything but they dont really seem like the types to think of mental disorders, I personally feel like it would be a bit of a “oh hes just like that” and a “they dont know what they dont know situation” but a case could be made for dick getting a diagnosis at a younger age, because Batman to my understanding is very open to possibilities. he also just doesn't really strike me as the kind guy who would realize anything is weird about his kid unless it was pointed out? bc tbh I feel like dick would be on that gifted kid grindset which makes it even harder to pick up on the adhd bc your “too smart” to have it which is bullshit by the way. adhd and intelligence are not connected, you an be the smartest kid ever and you would still have adhd. tbh all this shit is working towards the “dick is a workaholic” thing because its a lot of work, and hyper focus would in fact enable this greatly as he would be able go for hours on end with out stopping. that and all the compensation hes doing lol.   here's a list of symptoms I got off of additudemag.com because I know ive missed some. Short attention span, especially for non-preferred tasks Hyperactivity, which may be physical, verbal, and/or emotional Impulsivity, which may manifest as recklessness Fidgeting or restlessness Disorganization and difficulty prioritizing tasks Poor time management and time blindness Frequent mood swings and emotional dysregulation Forgetfulness and poor working memory Trouble multitasking and executive dysfunctionInability to control anger or frustration Trouble completing tasks and frequent procrastination Distractibillity Difficulty awaiting turn MASKING: I 100% believe this guy would mask like hell especially as nightwing, make that masking literal! Probably through a potent mixture of Anxiety, batman training tm, mirroring other people, suppressing stims and impulsivity, stuff like that, and I think the night time masking would make his day time attempts at masking sloppy, because that shit is draining and it would also be really convenient if he had an easy way to distance himself from his nightwing persona. he probably did this as a kid and it got worse(sorry im a sucker for angst but also he probably did to fit in more at school and stuff)  HERES A GOOD ARTICALE ON COMORBIDIES AND ADHD BY ADDITUIDE ONCE AGAIN: https://www.additudemag.com/when-its-not-just-adhd/ I fully believe dick Greyson would get hit with the multi mental disorders, not only from shit hes seen superheroing but bc adhd and people with adhd are more likely to have depression and Anxiety(partly because of Social pressures and some in part to comorbidity)  CONCLUSION BECAUSE ITS GETTING LATE AND IM RUNNING OUT OF STEAM ON THIS LONG ASS POST: I think dick Greyson with adhd would be neat as it could open more avenues to explore with his character, and I like the head canon anyway.   DISCLAIMER I AM NOT A QUALIFIED PRACTICER THIS IS ALL INFORMATION I HAVE GOTTEN FROM MY DOCTOR AND ONLINE RESOURCES SUCH AS  https://www.additudemag.com/ . THAT AND I DO NOT PERSONALLY KNOW DICK GREYSON AND ALL HIS ITERATIONS FROM THE LONG ASS COMIC BOOK RUN, I JUST THINK HE IS NEAT AND I WILL BE TAKING A LOT OF THIS STUFF FROM THINGS I’VE ABSORBED FROM HERE, OR MY MEMORIES OF YOUNG JUSTICE THIS IS NOT THE END ALL BE ALL I AM JUST ONE PERSON WHO HAS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT A FICTIONAL CHARACTER WHO CAN CHANGE AND GROW OVER TIME, IF SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT SORRY LOL IM ALSO JUST DOING THIS FOR FUN

[arttrampbelle]

Warning vent ahead. Vent about characters needing to be child free. And we need to normalize characters being child free mostly. But also vents about fandom in general.

So if you dont like that. Scroll on.

Cw: vent,talking about being child free

Unpopular opinion but

Shang tsung should be child free. That should be common fucking sense but here we are.

Any fan kids i make are aus. Period.

I love hcs about fankids but also

i hate that stupid fucking annoying af bullshit hcs of mileena being a daughter to shang when basic fucking lore states she is shao kahns daughter. And is the cloned sister of kitana. You know her whole fucking purpose?! She can make amends with kitana and be actual sisters without having to be fucking cutesy with shang. Leave shang out of your weird hcs. Just leave shang out of kitana and mileenas life period. Like my mans did not wanna be there. He hates shao kahn. He hates working there. He had no choice but to be some bitch lapdog minion for shao kahn. Which he absolutely fucking hated. He fucking hates them. Period. He never wanted to make mileena he was ordered to by force. The only one that felt remotely something for mileena was tanya and maybe reptile but thats about it. Period.

Leave shang out of things he doesn't need to be. The only part he had in mileenas life was basically being a fucking wet nurse. Milly was a test tube baby made FOR SHAO KAHN ORDERES BY SHAO KAHN BECAUSE AGAIN HE COULDN'T MANIPULATE KITANA BECAUSE OF SINDEL. (i can't believe i have to state basic lore to people.)

In fact its kinda insulting to her character. To be fam with a dude that legit did not give a fuck about her. And barely saw her as a person. She was an experiment. Period.

Like shang tsung can be soft without having kids. Shang can be soft WITHOUT MILEENA.

Shang tsung can be soft as a mentor figure TO SOMEONE ELSE! a teacher. He canonly teaches others who follow him or revere him.

Why not make him soft that way?

Why does he NEED a child to soften him?

Like my fan kids and aus aside.

Shang tsung can be soft for someone without having to have kids to do so.

Normalize not having kids. Normalize not wanting kids. Normalize characters being child free. Normalize being cool with kids but not wanting kids.

IF AND ONLY IF shang were to have kids. Im gonna put it bluntly honey. He would rather have kids from his own ballsack,the old fashioned way,literally fucking someone he actually gives a shit bout(which would be rare in of itself) then make a fucking clone or have a clone be made. Im sorry not sorry never will be sorry.

Shang tsung is kinda vain. Just as a reminder. He is a villain after all and i feel you guys forget this.

He can be soft,sweet,a good husband,a loving man,gentle or domestic even.

But he doesn't need children to prove that. Or show it.

Again we can have fankids. We can show aus.

But please if a character has to have kids to show their worth. I dont want it.

Personally I may or may not have kids of my own some day. Maybe not who knows? I care about them enough to wanna be stable enough to do so. And be able to provide. But also make sure my partner is comfortable too. Because thats what youre supposed to do. Do i think i could be a good mom? Sure. I do also have support. But im being smart about shit. Also we need to normalize not wanting children too because not everyone is like me nor would be a good parent. We need to normalize being child free,Even on our blorbos. Again i dont hate kids nor people who want them. Again im not sure,i may or may not have any of my own. But the problem is people think you HAVE to have kids to be whole,domestic,loving,nurturing,etc. You can be paternal and nurturing without having children. Of your own or adopted. Like ffs!

So plz. Can i have one fic,one art,some crumb of shit. Where shang is soft and domestic and sweet. WITHOUT HIM BEING A FATHER?! (Again fankids and clearly stated aus dont count. Because those are aus and fankids are just that,a fankid. Canon characters he "created" need to not be taken literally. Because i swear people need to shove a societal check box into everything. And even then,nrs doesn't give a crap but that doesn't mean you ignore basic fucking lore. Just because nrs and ed boob doesn't give a fucking damn. Don't mean you should ignore basic lore. MILEENA IS SHAO KAHNS DAUGHTER AND AT VERY LEAST IS KITANAS CLONED SISTER(which again they should make amends,because if hanzo n kaui can so can they. But then again y'all dont really give a fuck about women nor female characters,so yeah) POINT BLANK PERIOD END OF DISCUSSION DIE MAD)

[disco-cola]

dudes i need to rant cause yall know this is my online diary so i honestly feel so lost my life has no direction and hasnt had any for the past years and the years just seem to fly by in the blink of an eye and with every year i get more anxious about my birthday and getting older and my lack of achievements well at least if you define achievements by university degrees and work experience which is sadly still the standard instilled in this society and if you struggle with anxiety and or depression and cant function you are worth less (or even worthless) and you constantly need to justify and excuse yourself and the future seems so dull not only bc of my era-struggling™ but because i literally have such a hard time with the vicious cycle of getting a job and being sucked even more into this exploitative capitalistic system (idk what its like where you live but where i live rents have risen beyond any realistic affordability, grocery prices too but work wages and unemployment "benefits" from the state have not and even people working full time living with a partner who is also working full time are struggling to pay their rent and pay for groceries and electricity and make ends meet and for what you would have to work even more than forty hours a week to be able to afford a decent lifestyle as of right now but people are already working and worrying themselves sick to not fall down behind into poverty and get a pension plan which again is the vicious cycle im talking about retirement age will probably get even higher but how are you supposed to even work until at least 67 years old when you already destroy your body and soul decades before that? people are burned out several decades before that and still so many old folks now have worked so hard all their lives to only get such little pension they still need to work despite being sick, or go collect bottles (in countries where you get a few cents for returning plastic bottles at least) or even beg. honestly its sick this cant be the essence of life. it keeps me up at night. i dont wanna do this. i dont want life to be like this. i used to wanna go into the music business so bad when i was like 18 and be a manager or in a band but ever since my era-struggle™ despite the fact i dont like whats mainstream today but i also dont think i could last a day in the fast pace of todays business with social media and cancel culture. i just couldnt. i barely can now from my current position and deleting all social media and getting a nokia or motorola flip phone like i had as a child or a landline phone seems more and more appealing. my old friends are moving into the big city and we are drifting apart. they work so much they dont have time. but i also realize that i am starting to exclude and seclude myself and dont crave much human contact anymore. it honestly drains me. even grocery shopping or walking my dog during daytime drains me at this point. i dont wanna move and live in a big city anymore like other people my age. my suburb is too much for me already. i have fantasies of escaping from here daily. i literally just wanna go move to a small beach or mountain village and open a dog daycare. this is literally the only thing i can see myself doing in the future that does not give me anxiety and makes me wanna run into oncoming traffic.

[minniweekss]

sit your ass down this is a long one

idk what the fuck has been wrong with me lately but all i ever feel is rage. everything pisses me the fuck off. mom woke me up at 10:30, bad mood. yesterday i woke up at 1:30pm, pissed tf off. also dropped my coffee on my new shoes yesterday and then proceeded to knock my entire 24ounce tumbler of coffee off my desk and all over my fucking carpet so now im even more pissed off trying to clean this fuck shit up with stupid ass paper towels knowing that my carpet is now fucked forever.

now heres the embarassing part. my mom witnessed my entire rage fit. screaming, flailing, throwing shit around my room and quite literally destroying my room just because some coffee spilled on my run. quite literally was my last straw.

now lets throw it back to the 26th, my birthday. I wake up with fucking covid (didnt know it was covid until the 28th). My mom leaves for NC that morning. we were supposed to do a birthday breakfast but since i was sick she just straight up left and we didnt do anything. so i spent the weekend alone with mike. Friday night i spent alone in my room with my little piece of cake and Love Island. then i went to work the next day (with a mask ofc) and worked a 9.5 hour shift while swaying and seeing black spots. oh lemme mention it was opening weekend of the new deadpool movie so it was fucking busy to say the least.

Anyways this whole weekend im literally alone. me myself and i. mom comes back, suddenly mike is sick. guess what? she buys him soup, fruit, juice, medicine, literally anything he needs. When i told my mom i had covid and was taken off the work schedule for the rest of the week she told me i should have said my test was negative so i could work anyways. ma'am im fucking sick with a very contagious disease are you fucking fr. while you're letting mike sit here and act like hes on his fucking death bed. suuuuuure.

now lets back it up even more to the weekend before my birthday. i had to celebrate that weekend bc i couldnt get the weekend of the 26th off bc of, you guessed it, deadpool. anyways. we were taking this blacksmithing class that i had my eye on for MONTHS. now im the one in the group to be known as the fantasy/medieval lover. i was quite literally writing a book about a blacksmith so. I was extremely excited for this class and i was trying to keep up with pics and videos of the progress cuz it looked like none of my friends were taking videos. I noticed a few here and there but didnt really think of it cuz i was so focused on making my knife. we get out of the class and back home and im sending all the pics and vids that i took and they did the same, and there were a lot more videos than i thougt. not a single one was me. i dont want to sound like a bitch saying like oh record me im important, no. But i was very excited for the class and i was trying my best to get videos of my own progress and they literally saw me doing that and didnt think to get a video of me making it? every single person that was in my group got a nice video of them tinkering away, while im seen in the background of the videos.

like quite literally one of them got a video of her doing each fucking step. why tf was i being ignored. they were barely even talking to me dude they were all talking to each other and im over here like ok i guess ill just focus on my knife then. there were a lot of cool tricks i was doing with the instructor, but i couldnt take a video bc blacksmithing needs both fucking hands. and i was too embarassed to ask for a video. i feel like i shouldnt have to ask..... the trick we did was called a double strike. the instructor did it with one of my friends and literally everyone whipped their phone out for a video. then a few mins later he came up to me and asked if i wanted to try and i was so excited. it was making me feel like a orc in mordor or something i thought this shit was so fucking cool. anyway we start, and i look around and not one person is even watching. cool.

idk i usually really dont like photos or videos of me cuz i hate the way i look so much, but this is probably the one thing i wanted a video of and didnt get one. i should have fucking asked them to take videos but i didnt think about it until we were home and i noticed that everyone else got a video of themselves. i was like "oh!" so i couldnt really post for my birthday cuz i didnt fucking have any pictures to post. literally all i got is a group picture with the instructors.....

to be fucking honest it felt like i was the third wheel when it was my planned event. not even just an event, but my 25th birthday. i feel like ever since then ive been agitated and annoyed all the time, especially with my friends. im becoming short tempered with them now. i dont think its a direct correlation to the blacksmithing at all i think its cuz my attitude has been so sour lately.

this post is all over the place so bear with me ok. im gonna jump around a lot. another thing that sets me off is when i text my friends either questions or plans i need them to confirm and they take 5 fucking day to respond to me, like shit i dont fucking need it now. idk i just cant be friends with someone who wont answer my messages like how the fuck are we supposed to talk if you dont even respond. im talking to myself at this point.

and my close close friends do this to me too so its making me become more distant with them because my biggest mode of communication is through text. because realistically i NEVERRRRRRRR see my friends. its a once every three months event okay. so you cannot judge me for being a big texter and wanting my friends to respond to me. i really dont want to feel like im fucking begging for your attention. i shouldnt HAVE to beg for your attention. I pretty much have two friends i send everything to and they're both out of state so... i cant even get my fucking in state friends to talk to me.

all of this to say im angry and lonely. im always angry in some form, im like the fucking hulk bro it takes the smallest fucking thing to set me off. and im so lonely all the fucking time cuz as you can tell, my friends dont fucking text me, i dont have any siblings either so its like wtf do i do. The only time i get human interaction is at work with stupid fucking customers. also dont have a partner cuz i didnt experience romantic love in high school or college so i fear its over for me. 25, havent been in a single relationship. not even joking bro not 1. ive had maybe 3 people like me before: my friend in HS when i wasnt even romantically processing things yet, a dude from work who only wanted to fuck, and a friend from college who iced me out when i said no.

idk i think thats SO comforting only having 3 people in your entire 25 years to be interested in you. that i know of at least. but out of those 3, only 1 asked me out so its like ok. even when i go out with friends they're the ones that get approached or flirted with by everyone. like at blacksmithing dude the cute instructors were flirting w all my friends and then when they got to me they'd be talking all business... cool thanks i get it im ugly as shit ok. i dont think theres ever been a girl or guy in public thats even checked me out. girls dont even go for me so thats fucking great. idk dude this type of shit makes me feel like im genuinely ugly. i know thats probably not true but thats how i see myself and how ive seen myself for years. i have never liked my face. ever. its always been my biggest insecurity. when covid first started and we wore masks i was fucking thriving having half my face covered. i looked so much better.

cant even try dating apps bc im demisexual so i cant even build a connection like that. and this time is all about hook up culture and friends w benefits its like i dont want that shit bro. i want an emotional connection with someone first before it gets physical because im fucking scared. I already hate myself so why would i let some stranger see my gross naked body bro ew. i cant do this dating shit brother i am genuonely about to be single for the rest of my goddamn life. which might be the end of me considering no one can fucking afford to live by themselves anymore and i REALLY dont want to live with a friend and their partner cuz that would just make me fucking depressed about my own love life.

screw the fucking world. im over this stupid ass shit dude, people fucking suck. relationships suck. friends suck. work sucks. life fucking sucks. cant afford to do anything, 25, still living at my fucking moms house. its like im stuck int he same spot and not moving forward. time seriously stopped in 2020 cuz what the fuck do you mean im 25 and not 20. i lost sooo much time to the pandemic and it made me worse. it made me more anxious, more depressed, more scared to go outside and enjoy life. like i used to be so productive. I was going to school and working 40 hrs a week. and now im only working 42hrs a week and i can barely get out of bed on my days off.

as i get older it just seems like life gets worse and worse. like i dont see this picking up at all. i literally only see a downward spiral from here.

life is absolute hell that is only sprinkled with good moments. idk if the good moments are enough to outweigh the bad at this point. idek if i want to make it to 30. im so miserable here. i dont even have any family in this stupid state except my mom. llike i dont have siblings and i barely have a fucking family either. dont talk to my aunt or cousins, dont talk to my oma cuz she hates me, barely talk to my other grandparents bc they're insane. its like i literally only have my mom. ,everyone else i know can go swing by their cousins place and hang out or spend the night. ive never been able to do that. my aunt left the state two months before my mom had me. like literally everyone related to me has moved away. like if i was close with my cousins at least thered be SOME family i could actually talk to and be close to. nah dude. its just me and my mom, literally. that is so fucking sad.

god help me bro

[kalitheaa]

Don’t shit where you eat

YOU ARE IS SO FUCKING WEIRD????

FLOWERS??

MONTHS LATER???

NO

LEAVE ME ALONE

I HATE THAT I HAD TO BE FUCKING NICE TO YOU

IM ALWASY PREACHING ABOUT NOT APOLOGIZING FOR A MAN AND I HAD TO HOLD MYSELF BACK BECAUSE OF YOUR FEELINGS????

THAT WAS SO UNFAIR HOW YOU’D MAKE ME CHANGE MY BELIEFS BECAUSE WHAT? YOU SAID A FEW PRETTY WORDS??

BULLSHIT

I DONT FUCKING WANT THAT

I DONT WANT YOU

I DONT WANT ANYTHING OR ANYONE LIKE YOU

GOOD FUCKING BYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE

I HOPE YOU STAY IN THAT CITY FOREVER

NEVER COME BACK

That’s not the type of person I want to be with or associate with

And you know what? I enjoy flirting with a million different people. I enjoy having the options. I enjoy the validation. I enjoy the friendships that come with the after. I enjoy the lore that it gives me, that Im able to gossip with my friends after.

Will I pick one of them? Maybe. Maybe not but it’s my choice.

It’s my choice how slow or fast I want to go.

Im never going to dull myself for someone again. Im never going to allow anyone to force me to dim myself like I felt that I had to with you.

It was barely a month.

Absolutely ridiculous.

You said he was in love with me? That I was your person? That I brought you peace?

IN FOUR WEEKS?

THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS!

And here you might think “oh sweet” NO

YOU BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND TWO WEEKS BEFORE YOU STARTED TALKING TO ME

And please don’t get me started on the fucking ex girlfriend...

Why do men tell you all these things about their ex’s to just mix up the stories that, truly, you wouldn’t know about unless HE had told you.

In what world am I in?

Are you okay?????

This isn’t a fucking romance novel or a Netflix special. We aren’t in fucking Bridgeton. You don’t burn for me.

You got out of a long term relationship, that probably was in a weird limbo, because I know y’all are still in contact at least somewhat. And you missed that feeling of being someone’s partner so you latched onto me when you found out I was into you and tried to mold me into who you wanted your person to be like.

Well no.

Sorry.

Thats not me.

I like taking photos in bikinis if I want too.

I like hitting a vape occasionally and getting shit faced with my friends.

I like watching stupid shows that have no substance.

I like having stupid conversations about nothing with people I love.

I LIKE SMALL TALK YOU DONT HAVE TO ASK ME WHAT MY BIGGEST INSECURITY IS RIGHT AWAY! RED FLAG BUDDY!

I understand you’re lonely and you want someone but that person is not me. And I really do not want to be that person for you.

In the literal month that we were dating, I thought about how to break it off with you more than seeing a future with you.

You cannot make me into your person. You need some time to figure out yourself.

I am over you.

Truly I am. I don’t mourn our relationship, I regret it actually.

You weren’t mean or evil and you didn’t hurt me and I didn’t spend weeks and weeks crying over what we could’ve had.

Truly, I cried for maybe an hour before I made that phone call, then laughed on mute when I was on the phone with you. That was evil, I know.

Maybe I just didn’t believe you anymore.

The act just didn’t fool me but I think it fooled yourself.

I think you really believed in the insanity you were spewing. In the stories you fabricated, even though you couldn’t keep them straight and they were getting more twisted as you blubbered on.

I regret us because you’ve tainted a part of my story that I really enjoyed. Realizing friends that I made while I was there were more conditional on us dating rather than them actually wanting to be my friend.

I had three people in the span of a week- sorry- DAYS after the phone call ask me about us being together. YOU were the one saying be careful and not to tell a bunch of people and were asking ME who I told when you told the whole fucking building of people????

Everyone was involved dude.

I didn’t love you.

I didn’t and I’m sorry for saying it when it wasn’t true.

Honestly, I really wanted it to work out between us. You were such a nice guy and made me feel special.

But I know I can’t trust you. I did some sleuthing beforehand. I got backup to sleuth for me. I know the facts and caught your lies and mix ups. I wasn’t going to fall for it another time.

We’re not at the same places in life mentally or physically, we don’t want the same things right now. Obviously.

You wanted me to be a different person and that’s not me.

I hate that I have to be nice to you. Not that I want to be mean but it gives you hope. Thats why you sent the flowers.

Im only nice to you because we work for the same company and I’ll run into you again.

Now, either way I would never be outright mean to you. That’s not who I am - if you can believe that from this monstrosity of a thought dump.

But I don’t want you going through life thinking that you still have a chance, cause let’s be crystal clear, you do not.

Im talking to multiple people.

I’d settle down for the right person but I’m not looking.

Don’t send me flowers again.

And let this be a lesson. DONT SHIT WHERE YOU EAT.

[terraliensvent]

i just think it's super weird that you say that you don't want anymore milo asks and yet you keep allowing them every now and again. milo isn't a mod anymore hence why you said they shouldn't be talked about but bear and pokii also aren't mods anymore? i'm just a bit irritated because i come here for current terra drama and not old drama or shitting on people who aren't involved with the species anymore.

i think a lot of us defend pokii bc while she made a mistake she's actually very sweet and idk what else you have against her other than the slur thing that was said in a private chat with bear, who is her friend. and i've worked with her before for a cham custom and she's very active/helpful in chams. i really think we should stop talking about all of them as a whole bc it's getting tiring.

post related

youre the one bringing this back up dude, the topic was done with 2 days ago

the asks werent about milo, they were about bear because bear is now a mod in isopups (which is very intertwined with terras due to them sharing many members and staff) despite their shady history in terras that got swept under the rug. milo was mentioned because bears actions directly affected them, they are a key player

pokii was mentioned because her and bear were playing together to divert attention in the original psa thread. feel how you want about that, personally i think it was scummy to go and accuse milo of being an animal abuser to poison the well in a thread that should have been talking about the topic at hand. and even so, i literally say here that continued discussion of pokiis behavior outside of being a terra mod is probably better somewhere else, i really wasnt even shitting on her specifically, in my responses on the previous asks i barely scrape past her

i really dont care to entertain the defense that “well um pokii was super nice to me shes like my best friend and i think ur just a hater because of stuff from a bajillion years ago,” i dont really know a lot nor care a lot about her specifically. all i know is that she was working along with bear in the thread as previously mentioned, and that ive heard RUMORS (which im not gonna substantiate here unless given proof because again, theyre rumors) of her being shitty. along with the fact i personally dont like her art but thats not really something against her as a person. whiteknights of anyone are mot welcome here

[aamethyst000]

Dude, im so bored but lazy (may 14,24 3:58pm)

holy hell, i could not get to sleep last night. i was tossing and turning, too cold then too warm. could not get comfy for the life of me. there was an itchy spot in my throat that would not go away, even after drinking half a cup of water. i was so irritated the majority of the night. i think i actually fell asleep at like 6am this morning, finally woke up at ten to two this afternoon. like what the hell, was it because i missed a a whole week of my anti depressants? probably. mostlikey. anyway. it was so irritating that i was debating whether or not i should even get up, just sleep some more. my body made the decision for me, i couldnt go back to sleep even if i tried. so, i got up, took the dogs out and made a pot of coffee. im not going to lie, even through all of that, i currently feel neutral about having a hard time sleeping last night. usually, id be in a bad mood throughout the day but nope, just neutral. no irritation or happiness. that normal? not that id know. me and the family tend to have shit sleep schedule. especially me and the cousins. it makes meeting up with them difficult for the both of us lol as irritating as it is, i think i should stop getting mad at that. they work and have a family now, so yeah priorities are all jumbled which is okay. mine arent set in stone either lmao i dont know how my older cousins did it, learning how to be a functional adult, taking care of your body more, eating healthier and whatnot. im bloody 25, going to be turning 26 in june and i still feel like im 16-17. is that normal as well? does it depend on the individual? i keep saying i should talk to my thereapist but i never call them. or even message them. summer's coming up so i think thattl be the best time for me to start up my thereapy sessions again. i dont even want to do my laundry, how lazy im feeling, like i know i have to get them done at some point before they pile up again but i just dont want to lol like those goddamn dishes i keep avoiding like the plaque. thats the only thing i dont like about adulthood. endless dishes, laundry and house cleaning every other week and every month. oh and the bloody over priced bills that we now have to pay. welp, onto my second cup of coffee and sit around in my room for a bit till i decide to write in my journal again. whenever that will be. typing on my keyboard seems to be stimulating for me, i almost dont want ot stop.could be old habit from being in highschool, writing a long ass page for my essay and presentaions (god i hated those with a fckn PASSION). being able to type now feels nice, i dont have to go on my phone to write my journal entries in now, i love it so much <3 anyway, back to laying about and being lazy :3

3:01am - it looks like that i wont get much sleep tonight again tonight. so im going to have a few puffins and watch some sherlock funny moments, or i just might play orcarina of time, the 3D version of it. to be honest, im on the lookout for almost every verion of sherlock holmes, in books, tv shows, and movies. i think im becoming obsessed lol not that i mind it. im living vicariously through either sherlock or john. i think mostly john lmao i dont think i can be that brilliant at solving crimes and puzzles. heck i can barely solve a fckn math problem without having a breakdown mid way through the paper, thank god i graduated. i will not have to go through that again, unless i get back into coding. which i do not think so, considering that it involves aboslute complicated M A T H. i despise math, if you couldnt tell lmao any who, i think i am done here, i just wanted to come back and finish the last little bit of my journal entry, i may add on to this tomorrow. i havent decided on that just yet. like i keep sayin, i really like typing on my keyboard lol i might get over this later on in my life, just not now. cause my god, it is very stimulating to type~ have a good night/day, my fellow readers~

may 16,24 12:36pm - so i decided to add more to this journal entry, i dont know how much right now but maybe ill decide later on or once i am done writing. today was weird. i woke up late again, at one thirty this time and my mood was okay, manageable. until i went to go eat at like 6pm (first meal) and also cook my mother lunch. at first, i only felt over heated. then i started getting a small pinch like cramp on the right side of my hip, then, i felt more over heated. i was sweating, i felt like i couldnt breathe, my appetite dropped but i forced myself to eat anyway (for obvious reasons), i came back to my room to open my window, take off my shirt and see if that helps me cool off. mind you, that took forever, like, to the point of the voices in my head getting louder and mean. i tried so hard to ignore it that i even whisperd shut up. obviously that didnt help, considering that i started crying afterwards. i think i remember seeing clear images in my head too, pictures of horrible things, for sure, but that was the first time in a long time that has ever happened. not since my very last anxiety attack. that was nearly 3 yeaars ago now, even i thought i was getting better, this feels like i took a couple steps backwards. which did not help with my breakdown. im not going to go into too much detail about what i went through today. just know that this one breakdown took a lot out of me. i almost wanted to ioslate myself the rest of the evening. i didnt, that would have raised way more human interactions than i personally wanted, so i tried to act like i was "normal" i never knew what that really, genuinly looked like so i dont know if i did well in that department. anyway, i marked this event down in my personal journal for my therapist to read over. hopefully that can help me figure out what method could work for me in the future. i get the feeling ill end up sleeping in tomorrow too. because of today, that is all i want to do. is just sleep. its the middle of the week though, got dishes to wash, dinner to prep and an appointment to make later on. i wihs i can take off from here for a week. maybe even 3 months would be fine. go to a cabin in the woods, smoke, read, watch movies, not have to worry about other peoples dishes other than my own, not have to worry about what conversations i have to prepare myself for, how muc enerygy i have to use up even though i do not have enough throughout the day. i just want a break from being an adult. anyway i think that is enough for the night so im going to sign off and rest as much i can. cause that felt like a lot. good night/day, readers

[andrwgarfields]

People talking about it on tumblr is one thing bc I feel things are pretty contained here, but I feel so awful that Joe’s relationship was put on TikTok like that, my friend who barely even follows him sent me that video and it has 270k views. After everything Joe’s said about not wanting to publicize his relationships and not following the people he dates or his friends from home or even his mum on insta because he doesn’t want people knowing who they are or looking at their posts… I just feel bad for him. Also lowkey pissed at the bf for being careless on social media in addition to being a huge creep. (Sorry but that age gap is nasty work. ☹️)

Im always super conflicted regarding this just because yes i get the request for privacy but at the same time it seems almost impossible to achieve at this day and age. I think the best we can do is be respectful and even if we have opinions (rightfully so because the age gap is concerning) it can be done in a respectful way and i dont think being a fan of someone equates to defending and agreeing with all their choices either (and honestly i think sometimes celebs get defensive is specifically because ppl can be cruel with their words)

its so iffy to me cause apparently that dudes insta was public initially few months ago and there were pics of joe on his feed. I find it disturbing that joe seems adamant that his partner’s identity remains sorta anonymous bt obviously his partner doesnt seem to mind?

[dumpdaily]

i feel so abandoned by everything

i know i make things worse for myself sometimes but fuck dude im so tired

i hate having to constantly fight myself. i hate pretending like people care more than they do.

its so easy to feed the bullshit in your brain. no one cares about you etc etc. ignoring peoples efforts and ignoring your own shortcomings just fucks you over. so easy to believe that no one cares, that no one is there. partly because i am largely out of contact with people. partly because i talk to all of maybe 5 people each month with a large variance on how often we talk (sometimes not talking to anyone at all in a day or week). its so easy to fall for the lie that no one gives a shit, especially when you forget interactions.

but it is also painful to see the lack of interaction. even if its hindered by your own bullshit. its hard knowing that you are often forgotten just because people have lives outside of you. its hard knowing that you value certain social connections with more weight than the other person. sometimes the social connection was entirely imagined... its hard to respect others when you want to take up so much more space in their lives.

i hate that I can sit here and feel so fucking abandoned and then even when a friend says hello after a while I just end up feeling annoyed or angry at them and I dont want to interact with them. i hate that i know i need to make more friends to spread the weight of my social needs across more people but i struggle to connect with people at the best of times and now I dont want to at all. i hate that no matter what i do i seem to end up fucking things up.

and then theres the idea that you should push people away because youre cursed, or a problem for others. for me its the idea that i am just so exhausted from constantly trying my best for so long, from fighting for so long, that I no longer wish to live. before it was that I was so much of a mess mentally i thought it rude to interact with people because why on earth should they have to deal with my shit.

these past 1-2 years have been immeasurably difficult. things started to work out so well only for it to all crumble away again. I had started to feel feelings properly which made the downfall of everything so much more painful than I had ever experienced before. Everything felt so real for a while that it was overwhelming. And then everything seemed to go wrong. which crushed me mentally and then I lashed out there too.

sometimes it feels like i am destined to be alone. people are just passing through. those who stay around me for too long end up cursed too.

I've always felt my luck is strange. The sort of luck that will have me live. Have me bear witness to hell but barely experience it. Keep me alive despite all odds. The sort of luck that keeps me distant. That the isolation I desperately tried to brake was baked in as some sort of safety mechanism.

I always figured luck was just the probability playing out and nothing more. But maybe the system is rigged after all. And maybe I can't do anything about it.

I already spent more than a decade putting in my best effort.

I really wish the people I get close to would stop leaving me behind.

[pesterloglog]

Davepetasprite^2, Jade Harley

Act 6, page 8003-8007

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < JADE!!!!!

JADE: d-

JADE: davesprite???

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < B33

JADE: youre alive!

JADE: and... very different :o

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < its davepeta actually

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and yeah i am different!

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < got this whole other person mixed up in me

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < her name was nepeta

JADE: ohh...

JADE: wow!!!

JADE: im so happy to see you, even if you have gone through some uh... pretty big changes!

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < yeah!

JADE: so what are you doing here?

JADE: are you asleep too?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nah im awake

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and like "actually here" and stuff

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < guess i just decided to fly away up to the sun like a fucking piece of garbage after all

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < like i always said i would

JADE: haha

JADE: you did?

JADE: i dont remember that

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < yeah i said stuff like that sometimes

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < jade i used to be fairly depressed

JADE: yeah...

JADE: well i DO remember that

JADE: you seem to be in pretty high spirits now though :)

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < yes im doing fucking phenomeownal

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but fur real im not actually here to visit this sun

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i flew here as a point of reference to get my bearings

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < im actually on my way to go fight lord english

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < have you s33n him

JADE: no

JADE: ive spent the last... however long, hiding from him actually

JADE: with calliope

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < who

JADE: shes my new friend!

JADE: well, i guess one of two new friends by that name, technically

JADE: one of them is presumably back with our friends now

JADE: the other just... quite literally flew away up to the sun

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < like a fucking piece of garbage???

JADE: NO :P

JADE: she is quite dignified and aloof as a matter of fact

JADE: i sincerely doubt she has ever done ANYTHING like a piece of garbage

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < ok heheheh

JADE: anyway if you want to find him

JADE: i would guess all you have to do is follow his trail of destruction

JADE: see the cracks?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh yeah

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < good point

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < guess i could sniff him out

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < except i dont know what he smells like

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but i guess i do know what some people who will be NEAR him smell like

JADE: like who?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < vwiskers, for one!

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < also supposedly a staggering dick ton of ghosts

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < ill just smell around for where the ghosts are all at

JADE: sounds like a good plan!

JADE: jeez dave i...

JADE: or davepeta rather

JADE: i missed you so much :(

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < awwww

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < sorry harley

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < id say i missed you too but it was barely a day ago i last saw you

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < this version of me i mean

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i made it all the way through the thr33 year voyage with you

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < guess the one who made the trip with you wasnt so lucky huh

JADE: no

JADE: he and john died not long after we departed

JADE: i was so lonely

JADE: but i dont feel too bad now that i know it all worked out, and their deaths were just part of something bigger going on

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < right johns absurd time hoppy mission

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so fuckin glad some non dave dude could finally grab the reins on the time travel bs

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and i guess im purrsonally so grateful to him because without his succession of handwavey dorkstunts i wouldnt have become davepeta which is literally the best thing either of us has ever b33n!

JADE: thats great!

JADE: its so nice to see youre happy now

JADE: even if technically i never got to be a part of that journey for you

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but you did

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < ive got a lot of different dave memories in me and theyre all part of who i am now

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < including the memories you contributed to

JADE: oh...

JADE: cool!

JADE: so what were things like in the timeline youre from?

JADE: how was our trip together?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < it was good mostly

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < kinda turbulent i guess

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but that was mostly on account of me being a miserable bird douche

JADE: haha

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh also we dated for a while

JADE: WHAT? :O

JADE: omg

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < it was nice for a while but then i put a stop to that

JADE: why?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < s33 again: bird douche

JADE: wow

JADE: i cant believe i missed this :(

JADE: even if it didnt go that well

JADE: its still something i would have gladly taken over the loneliness of that trip

JADE: i cant even say how much i thought about you both

JADE: and to hear that you and i actually...

JADE: *sniff*

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < B??

JADE: im sorry dave...

JADE: davepeta...

JADE: i guess calliope is right, this must be part of my path

JADE: as a space player... someone who "falls back" as she said

JADE: maybe being pushed aside by fate, and like

JADE: being deprived of important people and experiences

JADE: no matter how painful it is, or how much you feel like you need them

JADE: i guess thats just how it goes for us

JADE: i think i never appreciated how much of a burden your aspect was to you

JADE: but i think im starting to get it now

JADE: it just took a long time to figure out what mine really meant

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so THATS what space means?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < bein lonely??

JADE: thats a bit of an oversimplification!

JADE: but i think that can be one of the results of gaining a deeper understanding of it

JADE: or becoming connected to it more...

JADE: i dunno, this stuff is all pretty mysterious :p

JADE: i dont have it all figured out yet obviously

JADE: i just feel pretty sad that as i get closer to understanding my abilities and true nature

JADE: it apparently means being deprived of some important experiences

JADE: like i get closer to my aspect, but further away from everyone i love, and further from...

JADE: feeling like a person?

JADE: its just a really empty feeling after a while

JADE: empty like...

JADE: space i guess

JADE: heh

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but you werent actually deprived of important experiences

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < stuff like us dating and johns stupid birthday parties and playing shitty ghostbuster mmos

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < that stuff all happened to you, its just you dont have access to the memories

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < they didnt happen to shape this particular version of yourself

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but they all played a role in helping like "greater jade" grow if that makes sense

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < everything that ever happens to every version of you is an important part of your ultimate self... like a superceding bodyless and timeless persona that crosses the boundaries of paradox space and unlike god tiers or bubble ghosts or whatever, it really IS immortal

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but in your physical form there are all these partitions in your mind that prevent you from remembering any of that which makes your existence f33l totally linear

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < which is probably for the best!

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in a regular body s33ing all that would be too overwhelming

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in an advanced sprite form like mine tho its fine

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i guess the same spritey magic that makes it possible to suddenly understand so much is also what makes it possible to make it bearable all at once

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < not even just bearable actually sorta liberating and cool

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and after it sinks in for a while you start coming to this understanding of a greater self

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe i "got it" quicker though because of the two people i was and their aspects

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < understanding heart is all about the nuances of a distributed self

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nepeta never got to make much headway with her aspect but shes finally gettin the chance

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < the time aspect is all about running into different versions of yourself so you kinda get confronted with it in a really literal way that can be disturbing

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < obviously davesprite stuggled with that too, but now its fine

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hes fr33 from worrying about it all and what it means for his place in reality

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < because he can s33 now all his selves have relevance in painting the full picture of who he truly is

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < im not COMPLETELY sure because im not like some sort of ASPECT MASTER but

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < my avian slash feline intuition tells me that all roads will lead you here eventually

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < gaining the d33pest possible understanding of any aspect will bring you to the same final conclusion about your ultimate self

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so maybe thats starting to happen for you too

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < the space aspect sounds like a hard and lonely road to travel... i think they probably all are

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but youre gettin there jade

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you are doing great and im so proud of you!

JADE: :')

JADE: thanks davepeta

JADE: i really cant believe it

JADE: you sound so different... but youre still dave in a way

JADE: its hard to say how happy it makes me to see you doing well

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < yeah likewise!

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i mean assuming you are doing well

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < ARE you???

JADE: i... think so

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hey what are you doing out here anyway

JADE: im asleep

JADE: i want to go join our friends and help out

JADE: but im not supposed to wake up :\

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < why not

JADE: i dunno

JADE: im just not!

JADE: calliope said i was too strong or something

JADE: but she also said i should have "fun" so

JADE: i dunno

JADE: i guess im just waiting around for the right moment

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nah thats dumb

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you should be able to do whatever you want

JADE: really?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < well at least she was right about the having fun part

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe thats what she meant??

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe she was leaving it up to you in a mysterious way

JADE: leaving what up to me?

JADE: the decision to wake up?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < sure why not

JADE: but i dont know how!

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i do

JADE: .....

[bubsub69]

Entry 2

14/05/2023 22:47

Well might as well start all entries with how my sleep schedule is, i had an afternoon nap so i might not sleep enough tonight but better than being up at 4am because i tried going to sleep at like 11pm and it went horribly wrong.

Reason for writing today? well while before looking at cute couple stuff like hugging and cuddling would make me cry now a porn video that wasnt even my first time watching made me cry because the couple seemed really happy and having a good time even though the girl was probably laughing cause she ruined the dudes orgasm on his face (video: https://www.redgifs.com/watch/quaintelderlyvireo#rel=tag%3Aruined-orgasm%2Cchastity%2Ca;order=trending)

I guess i should start with yesterday, with the blessing of the folders/briefcases whatever, it was as bad as expected so at least not worse than expectations, a very late start as a lot of people expected followed by a walk a queue to sit down, a small sermon and then speeches from each course. The worst part honestly might have just been the sun, it was blazing hot and i think i got sick from it, my nose was extremely fucked last night and still kinda is. After that we went to have lunch at a crisp 3pm and the food arrived at like 4, thank god my body has a high hunger resistance or i mightve killed someone, i spent a lot of time at the restaurant but at least i got to be with my cousin so it was actually pleasant, at the end we went to the lake garden to take some pictures for some reason and then went home (the for some reason comes from the fact we already had like 40 photos on the camera alone and went to take more).

idk why i wanted to write down what happened yesterday this was supposed to be more about emotions than story but oh well who can stop an autist from rambling.

But going to aforementioned (wow that was the word whos spelling i really had to look up, why am i spellchecking a personal diary? cause fuck you i want to, anyway another autistic rambling aside) emotions, those ribbons made me feel kinda weird when i reread them cause everyone was saying congrats on the hard work and for beating this challenge but i feel like its undeserved cause its not like i put a huge amount of effort studying, i barely passed some stuff which is definetly something im not proud of but yeah i feel like i slacked off most of the year even though ive never missed classes or failed to deliver a project, i guess im just associated with the studying part of school instead of this which is better honestly, even if i get stressed like now where i have a shit ton of stuff to do and am over procastinating as usual, but yeah, a lot of good jobs for a meh performance feels kinda weird.

But enough about school heres an update on D, today is sunday which matches the same day as the day of the call so how was her availability? well she gave me a maybe and then said that apparently her visa is expiring and shes super stressed out, well that seems like something way too complex for an excuse/lie so i believe her more but yeah her moving again is definetely going to make her busy again so i guess no calls for me.

Really feeling like a piece of shit that thats all the care i can muster for it, shes like about to get formally deported and im out here complaining shes too busy for me, and the worst is i decided to get a keyholder on chaster just to satisfy me, it feels like cheating i dont know why, we had some mild texting and a call and ive already like fallen in love and feel like a traitor, but i guess im tired of waiting and it might be for the best to move on if she just wants to stay an acquaintance (well new record for biggest spelling blunder), but yeah i feel like im giving up too soon cause i really liked her and just moving on feels really bad but what can i do when she doesnt show any interest, i mean not only does she not text back she also hasnt asked anything about me, which i guess is kinda fair for most boring person in the world whos hobbies are gaming and youtube, yippy, i guess ill wait again, this time im gonna do a week of no texting to see if she ever sends me something, she will be busy with the moving so she probably wont but oh well whatcha gonna do, not like shed say yes to a call in these circumstances either, i still wish i could help her but i dont think i can just ask dad if he has a contact with the visa man to hurry her process, but i did imagine that cenario

I guess switching to a different type of emotion to put some variety in this yesterday i fucked up the gamepads usb port out of anger but i think i tricked my parents by saying i saved the computer from falling, and on other hardware problem news theres a screw that i think broke the plastic around it so know the case keeps disconnecting from the rest. This was a shitty story but at least its not all about being sad and lonely

Well a bit of a blunder of an ending but oh well heres entry two, if the lady i messaged to be my keyholder replies the update will be here: