#dude has a fucking butler

[noe-clara69]

TSC spoiler (a very small one)

Is no one else fucking flabbergasted that Jean is the same age as Neil. Like all of the Raven!Neil fics have Jean as the same age as riko and Kevin. Now we are all learning that Jean graduated hugh school early to debut with Kevin and riko. They probably would have done the same with Neil. I’m crying guys and I’m only four chapters in.

[a-bad-case-of-the-stephs]

Top 5 times Alfred Pennyworth has blatantly lied to peoples faces with absolutely no remorse

5. Jason nooo we never ever gave up on you lol vs. it might not even be the same dude master Bruce beat his ass

This one I find delightful. I support this motion. It’s okay to lie here the alternative is way worse.

(there's some gray area on whether or not this is strictly a "lie" or not. But let's be real, Alfred's laying it on a little thick here either way.)

(Red Hood and The Outlaws #7 (2016))/(Batman #645 (1940))

4. I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about I don’t have a secret code

This one is fine. But I do think it’s funny that he denies it twice. Really plays up the drama! Not like it's urgent or anything, we're only trying to clear Bruce Wayne of a murder charge... (Nightwing #68 (1996))

3. No I didn’t put that ad in the paper what weird how that ended up there

This one was just embarrassing. After quitting his job during Knightfall In a last ditch effort to make Bruce stop being recklessly endangering himself, Alfred comes back after a vacation by placing a Butler Wanted Ad in the newspaper FOR Bruce, and then Alfred feigns ignorance when showing up for the job. Insane! (Batman #521 (1940))

2. You’re too late….

Just straight up lies to Nightwing to imply Tim died of The Clench. Seriously why would he say that. Seriously what the fuck. Genuinely no reason for him to do this. (Azrael #16 (1995))/(Robin #28 (1993))

1. No one calls me Alfie but you lol!!!

I get it Alfred: you wanna get laid, but lying to your ex girlfriend about a nickname that you are REGULARLY called by MULTIPLE people is not the way to go about it! (Nightwing: Alfred’s Return/Detective Comics #622/Detective Comics #563)

In conclusion, Alfred Pennyworth is addicted to shamelessly lying, for his own benefit, for the good of others, and oftentimes just because he finds it funny. Once an actor always an actor I suppose!

Honorable mention: Tim’s Birthday Gaslighting

I didn’t include his involvement with Tim’s Birthday Gaslighting because he was asked to do that and didn’t lie entirely of his own volition, and he also expresses a small degree of remorse once he’s caught. However it is insane enough to garner an honorable mention. You really dressed up in elaborate prosthetics and makeup in order to help gaslight the 16 year old ON his birthday by making him extremely paranoid about all of his friends for vague training reasons, and then have the gall to be like "oh my god thank goodness thats over!"

Alfred, you didn’t have to do that. You are literally always going against what Batman Bruce Wayne tells you to do. Literally all the time.

Robin #117 (1993)/Robin #120 (1993)

[beelanddiavolosimp-blog]

Let me cook some more

Sexy things I like about the side characters/ sexy things I think they do (minus Luke)

Diavolo

The way he just immediately drops everything to be with you wether its to f*ck or just generally hangout he's there

How big he is like dude. He's probably massive if he can contain Beel by himself

His back decorated in those royal gems like UGH GIVE IT TO ME

His laugh is both cute and sexy like do it again please

His muscles. They are big but not like oddly big just right and so so biteable

Barb

His hands. I can't really explain it but like him holding your hand to kiss then slowly pulling away dragging his fingers across your skin

His eyes they are so dominating and scary but also get very half lidded and even more pretty when he's flushed/ turned on

His need to please you. It's only natural since he's a butler so I feel he is such a service top

When he gets mad I feel like it wouldn't scare MC just turn them on because HELLO

Solomon

Idk why but I feel like his all black clothing is just so sexy like wear that outfit again please

He is teasing on purpose like whisper dirty things into your ear and make suggestive comments while trying to act innocent

He is very handsy. Standing still? His hands are on your hips. Sitting? His hands are on your thigh.

He loves to toy with you too especially around the brothers and idk it just makes me hot and bothered like he's smirking at the brothers while being all touchy like 'do something I dare you'

Simeon

He's also a massive begger and whiner as well but like it's so pretty that you want more

His back and stomach. Actually scratch that just any skin he shows. His outfits are so cunty yet I feel like if you touch the bare skin that's out he'd immediately blush

I feel like he's a switch so he has top tendencies as well and they come out unexpectedly like when he's irritated he will be like "come here." Like omfg

His face is just so pretty too and his hair like lemme pull on it 😈

13

She is VERY touchy. Constantly holding your hand or any part of your body saying it comforts her but she will subconsciously touch a little too close to sensitive areas and apologize yet continues

Her voice is so soothing yet sexy like imagine her flirting with you and slurring her words on purpose

Her stomach and thighs. They look so soft and pretty like can I please touch them?

Her tattoos. Need I say more?

Her eyes as well they are so pretty id stare into them for hours

Meso

His height. Having to look up to him or him leaning down to talk to you.

He is also very large but I feel like his hands are bigger than most but like that's damn okay with me

His attitude. It's the type of like fuck buddies who are always fighting. Not necessarily hate fuck more like play fighting fuck.

Raphael

His stomach. It's toned and a pretty tan I also feel he's sensitive there as well.

Since he doesn't show emotion enough I feel like once you get him going he is LOUD.

when he's a bit mean. Sometimes it annoys me other times it's attractive like hm~ is he like that in bed?

[sarasade]

Since the new adaptation of Black Butler is currently airing I've been looking into the Tumblr and YouTube side of the fandom and it's exactly as defensive about the show's more transgressive elements as I thought it would be.

It's so weird to hear the new female and LGBT+ fans saying stuff like: "I can't believe the yaoi fans are ruining Kuroshitsuji with their weird shipping!" And then denying the obvious psychosexual subtext of Sebastian and Ciel's relationship which has cleary been there since the day one.

Then I watch the show with my straight cis dude friends who don't give a fuck about the discourse and their reaction is like "LOL THAT Yaoi Bait Show from the 00's is still a thing?? Anyway it's pretty good."

[devotion-disorder]

this is so off topic but I needed to vent somewhere, so turns out I am slowly realizing I have a thing for dude with long hair..

My childhood crush was Helia from winx and the only reason I watched winx was for HIM, I loved him so damn much dude.

then I got into vocaloid, who did I like most? GAKUPO fucking KAMUI..

THEN I slooowly got into anime.. who was my next target? FUCKING TOMOE FROM KAMISAMA KISS AND KOKKURI SAN FROM GUGURE KOKKURI SAN, also we can’t forget YUE FROM SAKURA CARDCAPTOR or UNDERTAKER FROM BLACK BUTLER.

All long hair by the way.. Probably white hair too.

now.. who is my new crush? MAHITO. JUST BECAUSE HE HAS LONG HAIR.

honorable mentions to Zhongli from Genshin, Sephirath from final fantasy and Malleus draconia and Idia Shroud from Twisted wonderland and kite from hxh.

LONG HAIR MALE SUPREMACY 🧍‍♂️🧎‍♀️

anon the way our half our tastes overlapped ASDAHLISUDHALAKJD;aWDUH.........LONG HAIR MEN GANG RISE UP 🗣️🗣️🗣️📢📢💥💥💥🚨

my two faves aka my cutieful amazing wonderful breathtaking pookiebears that did nothing wrong ever actually

[localcanadiancreature62]

Hey did you guys know that i'm actually a huge Addams Family fan?. Well ya do now. That's why i'm going to.. MAKE A FUCKING ADDAMS FAMILY PINES FAMILY AU AHAHAHAHAA,perfect for spooky month (i planned this. i wanted to do another gf au but for Halloweenie). The parallels are uncanny my dudes. Uncanny. Stan being the loving but goofy family man,Fidds being the romantic and kind mom figure (i mean. he already acts like one sooo),Dipper being the weird and curious murder child (except instead of murder or torture,it's mysteries. like the scene with "there's only one thing in a girl's mind" but instead of "boys?. homicide" it's "girls?. mysteries"),Mabel being the fun and a bit dim sidekick to her crazy mad scientist brother,Ford being the crazy uncle that no one has ever heard of until he randomly appeared back home from the asylum one day,Soos being the frankenstein butler,Waddles being the hand (idk it squeals and makes pig noises. Mabel loves it),and Bill being Ford's crazy ex who wants to kill him (Fester ALSO had a crazy ex in Addams Family Values soo). The halloween spirit is strong in me and i am going to sniff it DRY with these ideas AHAHAHAHA. Outcast family who accept each other and other weirdos my beloved ✨. Also it would be SO FUCKING funny to see Stan and Fidds being all "oh cara mia. mi rey" cuz they would ABSOLUTELY fucking do that. Also Wendy is.. Grandmama,cuz witchy vibes.

[restinslices]

How do you think earth realm boys would be like around their crush?

Haven’t made moodboards for them so this is all I got rn

Johnny Cage

He would be incredibly shy 

^ That's something I would say if I lost it 

Am I suffering from lack of sleep? Yes. Have I lost the plot? No. 

Johnny is a huge flirt. He was flirting with Kitana and he hardly knew her 

And I'm pretty sure a lot of his MK1 intros is just him flirting or being a little shit 

So with that being said it’s obvious to everyone 

It’s obvious at least that he finds you attractive. The problem would be trying to figure out whether he’s just being Johnny or if he actually likes you 

Which would be difficult 

He flirts, he makes sly jokes, he says how much you should be with him and that he could totally handle you, how great you’d be together and a whole bunch of other shit

Like I said though, the main problem would be knowing if he’s joking or not 

But I think if you simply asked “dude, are you joking?” He’d say “no” immediately 

But Johnny’s eyes tend to wander so you wouldn’t be wrong for being hesitant 

It’d be dogshit if you were just his distraction for the month 

You’d know he’s serious though because he keeps going for months 

Obviously you’ve encountered other attractive people but he doesn’t seem to care about them and his eyes are always on you 

A model could walk by and he’d be too busy pulling your chair to notice 

That’s how you’d know he’s serious. It’s been months and he’s still focused on you? 

Whether or not you share those same feelings is a different story 

Kenshi Takahashi 

Probably one of the hardest to tell 

Idk if this is a headcanon I made up or if it’s canon but I feel like Kenshi is good at hiding certain emotions 

If it’s an emotional moment then yeah, it could slip but this is something more casual 

He wouldn’t say anything but he’d do things for you 

You’d mention you haven’t had time to cook because you’ve been busy and he’d offer to help with whatever 

He’d ask your opinion on stuff first as well 

As friends he makes sure you’re included but it’s even more so if he has a crush (this is not correct English but I cannot think of how else to put this)

One of the other guys would make some joke about him being in love and he’d look at them in a way that would let them know they were right 

Kenshi is not 10 so trying to blackmail him won’t work 

His eyes are always on you and even though he knows he shouldn’t be jealous of other people that are close to you, he can’t help it 

There’s two voices in his head. One says “just tell them”, the other says “you’re gonna mess up your friendship”

So he’d continue to be a little butler lowkey until he actually felt like he had to get a move on 

If someone showed genuine romantic interest in you, then he’d start moving 

He’s either gonna be stereotypically sweet and get flowers and shit or he’s just gonna ask you out at a random time 

Like I said, whether or not you accept his invitation is up to you 

Dude is probably tense as fuck the entire time he’s asking 

Kung Lao

Similar to Johnny 

Kung Lao has such an inflated sense of self, you not liking him makes no sense to him 

Does that mean he just tells you right away though? No

There’s lots of things that make no sense and happen anyway so he plays it safe 

And by safe I mean he is incredibly obvious but doesn’t just straight up tell you 

Lots of flirting and lingering looks 

He does a lot of extra shit then looks to see if you saw it 

It’s like when a kid does a cartwheel then looks to make sure their parents saw them 

He also straight up asks for compliments 

“That was a really good kick, right?”

Sure Kung Lao

He likes compliments way better from you now

He kinda acts the same because everyone knows he has a big head but the flirting makes it obvious 

And Raiden definitely knows. Kung Lao told him because why wouldn’t he?

Anyone joking about stealing you away bothers him a lot more than he’d like to admit 

He’s both “I’m Kung Lao. You have no chance” and “but what if they do have a chance?”

Admits his feelings way sooner than Kenshi 

Probably does it extremely casual too just to rip the bandaid off 

You’re standing next to each other and he’s like “we should go on a date on Friday”

Well since you asked so nicely-

Who’s turning down Kung Lao? Let’s be fr for a second 

Raiden

Doesn’t he like Kitana and it was incredibly subtle? I only found out because of intros 

So with that being said, I think it would be difficult to tell 

He’d act the same way he does as your friend 

I think his fear of messing up your friendship would be higher than everyone else 

So he doesn’t say anything 

In a different post I said he’d give you produce as a gift and I think that’s still the same here 

He’s gonna still have the hookup so food is a frequent gift he gives you to show his affection 

He also offers to do tasks for you 

When it comes to training, he’s probably noticeably softer towards you 

His excuse is “oh, I didn’t notice I was doing that”

It’s a terrible lie 

Everyone at some point finds out because he’s constantly staring at you and is soft towards you 

Raiden is a pretty calm person but he’d actually strangle Kung Lao if he said anything. He’d get a toddler’s grip 

You’d probably find out about it from the other guys instead of him 

And you’d think they’re just fucking around like they always do 

Raiden still refuses to confess. He doesn’t wanna confess then lose you completely 

And tbh he’d probably take so long, you’d get into other relationships and he’d just watch 

Finally though after 279373 years he’d confess which would free him from his emotions and Kung Lao harassing him 

Liu Kang

I think there’d be two stages to this 

The first stage is “I’ll just ignore it”

During this stage he’ll try to ignore his feelings for you because bullshit comes after Liu Kang constantly and dragging you into that is something he definitely doesn’t wanna do 

There’s a good chance you were in the previous timeline and you died horribly so he wants to stay away so he doesn’t fuck up this new life for you 

During this time he’d compliment you on your skills and be a lot more patient with you when it comes to you screwing up (which is something everyone does)

He either involves you in a lot of missions of sidelines you so you won’t be hurt 

Which is kinda shitty because that means he’s sending other people into dangerous situations 

Soon after this stage, he enters the second stage 

This stage is the “fuck it” stage 

Liu Kang does not have a good history when it comes to romance 

He was way too slow and lost Kitana (multiple times I think. I don’t remember what happened in the dlc in MK11) and now in this timeline, Kitana has no memory of them and has no feelings for him. Then he saw his Kitana but they can’t be together. 

Because of this he realizes that he has to start moving quicker and prioritizing his happiness 

So he just asks 

It’s better to hear “no” than to always wonder what could’ve been 

But bitch who is turning down Liu Kang? Don’t be stupid 

He’d probably take you to a secluded spot and say how he feels and ask you to go on a date with him 

It seems like it came out of nowhere but if you review what’s happened between you two, it’ll start to make sense 

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

I have to confess that I still haven't even listened to side two yet. 😂 I don't know if one could chalk that up to me being a serial procrastinator (even with things that I love/enjoy) or if it's because I also happen to be a serial "saving the best for last in order to savor it" type of person. Perhaps both are at play here...and of course, there is also the matter of 'I only get the very first time of listening to something on vinyl' once...

I have to prepare myself to hear "Just a Shadow" on vinyl for the first time. And also "The Rain Dance" with the way my analysis of it has been coming. Although that's not to say that the entire damn album isn't a fucking gem from start to finish, because MY WORD, YES IT IS. 😭💗

Steeltown by Big Country is definitely one of my favorite albums of all-time, because listening to it on vinyl for the first time is making me cry (in a good, cathartic way). :')

[pshenyasstuff]

Headcanons for sub Valentino

Notes: I do not claim the canonicity of my words, these are solely my thoughts “what if..”. Valentino's personality makes it hard to imagine him as a sub, so I decided to give it a try.

Firstly, obviously, if you are weaker than him, lower than him in the hierarchy of hell, then he is unlikely to even try. He? Submit to some scum? Never;

But if you are also an overlord or simply a stronger demon than him, this is a different matter. He rarely gets rebuffed, so it is something unusual for him when someone is equal in strength to him or even stronger than him (except for Vox);

Just push him against the wall with his legs over your hips when no one is looking, and something will click in him;

He's such a brat, I swear. Constantly swears during sex, pointing out your mistakes. He does this on purpose so that he can be fucked harder. He just doesn't know how to work his tongue in a non-sexual way, like, dude, you can just ask;

In any case, you can easily shut him up if you do what he is trying so hard for. Just fuck him, knock all thoughts and curses out of his head, make him think only about this moment;

Have you heard his moth noises when he's angry? I think it works the other way too, when he feels as good as possible. On top of that, it's already loud, so unless you're alone, everyone knows what you're doing;

It's better to press his head to the pillow, face down, if you don't like bites or hickeys, because this bitch bites 99% of the time, and it hurts quite a bit. He doesn't care if you hurt, he just needs something to shut his mouth other than a kiss;

Speaking of kisses. He's so good, but sometimes you feel like you'll suffocate if you don't stop in time, because this whore's long tongue seems to be deliberately going right into your throat;

If we talk about his sensitive spots, then these are definitely his wings and his fluff. It’s so good to run your hands into his soft fluff or touch the place where his wings grow from. He immediately becomes more obedient, because all this is quite fragile, so use these methods more often;

And also this strange piercing of his nipples. It's sexy, actually. I think his tits are a little sensitive because of it;

Should I talk about the role play fetish? This dude has so many outfits, so don't be surprised if he's dressed differently every time you have sex. One day you are a policeman and a criminal with him, and the next a maid and a butler. Do not ask. Every time it's something different;

It is difficult to surprise him with something new. He owns the porn industry, I mean. So he's seen a lot. Too much. Accordingly, he has many fetishes;

Sado-masochist and bdsm lover. Change my mind. A common practice would be to beat him with a whip. Or handcuffs on both pairs of his hands;

To some extent, it is easily distracted by bright light in the dark, as moths usually do. It's as if his brain immediately turns off, so it's much easier for him to fuck;

If his hands are free, it is vital for him to grab onto something. In most cases, this is your waist, hips, tits... In general, you;

Maybe he will dance a striptease for you. Who knows;

Sex with him takes quite a long time, because he is quite hardy. It's rare that you're limited to two rounds;

Definitely good at sucking cock or eating pussy. Just watch out for his teeth;

It's strange for him if you treat him tenderly. He doesn’t like it, he will immediately leave or start acting up. "What the fuck? Do I look like I'm into all this romantic bullshit, babe?"

After sex, if you don’t leave, he falls asleep on your chest and hugs you with all his arms. The only moment when he behaves calmly. True, in the morning you will most likely be pushed to the floor, because, let’s say, the moment of tenderness has passed.

I hope it's not too much. Sorry if there are any typos or anything here. Love you, guys <3

[lycorisx]

Do you have any headcanons on Walter? :)

Listen I have no idea when you inboxed this I am SO SORRY HAHAAH

yk what hell yeah I do THANKYOU for asking this because over the past like errrr 10 years of being in this fandom you absolutely bet I have headcannons on him. Most are really useless ones but I just feel like they fit ygm? So let’s goo

Also I’m British myself so a lot of these will be biased lol

1. Walter ONLY drinks Yorkshire Tea. He’s really particular about what tea he drinks. He isn’t snotty about it but even when he has tea made for him, if it isn’t made how HE makes it then he won’t enjoy it but he’s too polite to say anything. Integra has an inside joke with him that he should’ve become a ‘tea connoisseur’ because of how particular he is about it.

“Like this, Walter?”

“No, too much milk, Miss Victoria. It needs to be both brown and light at the same time but not ‘builders tea’. So not too strong.”

“Um…Does it matter-“

“Yes it does.”

2. Walter likes Downton Abbey. As in the show. Don’t even question this one lol.

3. In his early days, he was a heartbreaker no doubt. Probably not intentionally, though. He was popular with the ladies, but couldn’t commit due to his work, (or likely scared to commit because he was worried his line of work would harm his partner.) I see Walter as the kind of guy to mess around a bit to experiment but in the end decided to ultimately focus on his work. I’ve seen many headcannons that say he would’ve ‘slept around LOADS’ and honestly I really don’t think he would’ve. Dude was way too committed to his work to really mess around.

3. Arthur adopted him. I’m just gonna put it out there. I really do think Arthur was like a father figure to him.

4. In his early days of being a butler, he was a HUGE klutz. Mistakes here there and everywhere, spilling tea on Arthur’s poor lap and saying ‘Fuck’ after.

5. Speaking of cursing, Arthur definitely taught Walter how to swear and likely encouraged it because the ass thought it was funny to see the shocked and disgruntled face of Hugh Irons whenever a teen Walter spoke and sounded like a sailor.

6. Walter absolutely uses his wires to grab something off a side counter or table when he’s being lazy.

7. He has a strict hair care routine.

8. Walter, much to contrary belief, loves classical music but I could see him also enjoying a bit of Indie and maybe other genres too.

9. He felt conflicted about Alucard.

10. He has Irish roots tied to his family. Idk why I just see one of Walter’s parents being Irish.

11. He was the one who spent the most time around Integra and likely raised her more than Arthur.

12. He isn’t fond of chocolate but loves hard sweets. He also likes liquorice.

13. He never took Holiday days off work. Dude just didn’t see the point in it. And Arthur once had to force him to take a few days off to himself.

14. He collects little trinkets and war medals.

-

These are just a few lol. I probs have more somewhere at the back of my noggin.

[iris-draws]

Verosika in her apology tour fit🔥🔥

Okay WOW that episode was amazing and also a lot so I'm gonna ramble for a bit.

Verosika absolutely slayed and ate (surprising nobody) and I love how sweet she was with everyone and especially stolas. Her talk with blitz was great and I'm glad she got the closure she needed. She truly is a kind soul for throwing a party for all the people who have been hurt by this horrible guy, and everyone there is understanding and comforting, it was so cute to see. Also the fact she was able to forgive blitz was incredible in itself. If I saw how many people he had hurt this badly and also been hurt and embarassed by this guy, I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive him with just him feeling sorry for himself and a half-baked apology.

This episode really showed us what a terrible person blitz really is. And honestly? I don't really sympathize with him anymore. Yes, he has trauma. But he refuses to work or just get better and can't even apologize. Getting a bit personal here but I had a toxic ex who was very similar to blitz, so maybe I'm biased and that makes me hate the character more. Nevertheless, blitz was absolutely terrible this episode and yes you can feel bad for him but I better not see anyone condoning his actions.

There is a party EVERY YEAR specifically for this guy and everyone he's hurt. There were SO MANY PEOPLE there?? He's screwed over and fucked a lot of those people, and he can't even bother to remember them or apologize?? His excuse is "Well it's hell so everyone is shitty" which is a terrible excuse. Just because it's hell doesn't mean you have to be a shitty person. Bro really needs to go to the hazbin hotel and take Charlie's lessons cause he needs to learn "it starts with sorry."

Now for stolas. Omg my baby ATE this episode. I loved seeing him be passive aggressive and sing his heart out (btw, that song is one of the best in the series, MY GOD. it doesn't even sound like stolas it's so different from the rest of the songs but it's SO GOOD. THE VISUALS, THE VOCALS, THE LYRICS AHDJDANKQ SO GOOD OMG) I do think stolas has some issues as well. He needs to understand he DID look down at blitz. He doesn't really understand that he truly is privileged. He treats blitz and his butler imps completely differently. If they're going to be in a relationship they both need to change. Stolas needs to learn his worth (which i think he will start to realize he's better than blitz deserves until he changes with that succubus dude) and blitz needs to get his shit together. But stolas does need to look back on his actions and the things he's said to blitz to give him the impression that he was nothing more than an "impish little plaything" to stolas.

I could ramble for hours about this episode but I'll stop for now lol if you made it this far you get a cookie🍪

[kiloude-city]

I love Superior Spiderman so much. He tries to be super serious but instead he comes off super goofy.

Dude has a robot sidekick butler that serves guests that was one of the first Spiderman villains. He has the evil scientist look but everyone just treats him normally. He maniacal evil laughs out of nowhere and people just wonder if he's lost his mind.

He took one look at Peter's life and instantly went back to college to get his PhD AGAIN in Peters body because doctor is in his name, always. He will kill you unless his girlfriend, Anna Maria, said no. Then you're on thin fucking ice. He also drops everything for her instantly even if the city is on fire.

When he became Superior Venom he was ready to murder a guy in cold blood for texting and driving. Whereas normally he just says such things are below him and sends a message to the police to deal with it instead.

Despite being one of Spiderman's greatest villains, he started recruiting Spidermen from the Spiderverse to save the Spiderverse from vampires. He led them and organized the whole thing. Multiple times. He even became 1048 (Insomniac) Spidermans friend WHILE 1048 KNEW FULL WELL HE WAS OTTO OCTAVIUS.

He's so un threatening. Everyone just thinks Peter's back in his jerk era. He straight up quit the Avengers and they never even figured out what the hell was up with "spiderman" at that time. They barely even bat an eye.

I haven't gotten to this point in the comics yet but he names himself fucking Elliot Tolliver.

He's great.

[katyusha454]

Random idea I had today that should be a fic but I'll probably never write it so here, have the outline.

Okay but imagine being Durge. You wake up on the nautiloid with nothing but a name and some intrusive thoughts. No memory whatsoever. You're confused as fuck. Nothing makes any sense.

But then you find out that Shadowheart had her memories taken too. This is exciting! There's someone else like you! You wonder if maybe you're like her, if you also serve this "Shar", whoever she is. But no, Shadowheart's confident whatever took your memories wasn't Shar; your symptoms are too different from hers.

But! That doesn't mean Shar doesn't approve of you. All loss and forgetfulness ultimately belongs to her. Shadowheart is reluctant to tell you much at first, but as she gets more comfortable with you she talks more freely about her faith and you won't lie, it's kind of appealing. Your memory loss isn't a problem, it's a blessing! And oblivion doesn't sound so bad in comparison to your constant murderous urges.

Then you learn more. Shadowheart talks about torture. You read "Mistress of the Night and Friends", you visit Grymforge and learn about the sacrifices. Not only does Shar love you for your memory loss, she could also give you an outlet for your urges?!? This is awesome!

You start praying with Shadowheart. Not as often as she does, but it becomes a part of your daily routine. You spend more and more time talking about religious stuff with her. She's thrilled to have the company of someone who thinks like her, who respects her beliefs and doesn't act like she's a bad person for having them. She admits that she'd been having some doubts about her faith, but that spending time with you has really helped reassure her that she's on the right path.

By the time you reach the shadow-cursed lands, Lady Shar is sort of your unofficial patron goddess. The shadow curse does still disturb you, and it's frustrating that only Shadowheart gets protection from it, but she reassures you that it's probably just because you're not a real Sharran yet. She promises that once you get to Baldur's Gate she'll bring you to the cloister and you can join up for real.

It's probably for the best that you decide to tell that weird little butler dude to fuck off when he tells you to kill Isobel. You know you're supposed to hate Selûnites, but there's no way in hell you're gonna take orders from this nasty-ass goblin man. If he was a Sharran it'd be different, but he's very obviously not one and you don't trust him. Which is good; becoming the Slayer would have marked you out as a Bhaalist when the only god whose favor you seek is your Lady.

You complete the Gauntlet at Shadowheart's side. She explains that you don't have the religious knowledge and training necessary to be a true Dark Justiciar, but it's giving you an excellent head start if Lady Shar ever calls you to that path. The two of you practically devour the religious texts in the Silent Library, and when you find the Spear of Night you both quickly realize the implications.

Nightsong dies, of course. It's difficult to keep your urge to carve up her alabaster flesh yourself under control, but you stay strong and let Shadowheart do her duty uninterrupted. When she becomes Lady Shar's Chosen, she offers to induct you into the church right there and then, right in the heart of your Lady's domain. You eagerly accept.

What you discover beneath Moonrise Towers horrifies you. You realize that your memory loss truly is a blessing. Lady Shar has rescued you from horrors beyond imagining and you're immensely grateful. Once it's all over, you and Shadowheart celebrate a Nightfall feast in the Towers' dining hall. Most of your party does not join in.

You've never been able to feel the state of total emptiness that Shadowheart feels in her meditations. Finding out that you're a Bhaalspawn explains why. Lady Shar will never accept you now...will She?

You reject your birthright. You will serve no god but Lady Shar. When Withers brings you back from the dead, you can finally feel that sacred emptiness. For the first time in your limited memory, you feel peace at last. Now all that's left to do is help Shadowheart purge your Lady's church and put an end to the Absolute.

You got what you wanted. Why does your victory feel so hollow? So...empty?

[hermesseus]

I didn't expect much comedy from The Iliad but Book V has me cracking up.

I mean don't get me wrong, there was a lot of bloodshed and violence. The whole chapter was a battle scene. But the end though. Ares just can't get a break 😂😂😂.

I mean first Aphrodite's mother references Ares getting trapped in a fucking vase for thirteen months (Thanatos was far luckier when Sisyphus bound and trapped him because the gods don't hate him) which is already funny as is since I'm familiar with that story.

But then Ares gets stabbed and complains to Zeus about Athena inciting Diomedes and his response to "father I've been stabbed, please control your daughter" is "shut up, I hate you and I regret that you were ever even born" geez dude. "You're just like your mother and if you had any other father I'd let you die from this wound."

It's so devastating but honestly I find it so funny.

Also a side note — I waited like two or three days to actually start reading the story after getting home with the book because the preface (version I have access to was translated by Samuel Butler) took me out but despite the preface (written in English in 1898) being confusing as fuck I am understanding the actual story.

Sure it's flowery and long and complicated but honestly I speak not too far off half the time. But "they did not lard a crib with Chaucerisms and think that they were translating" is not something I understand at all what the fuck are you talking about sir.

He kept talking about the Elizabethan translations and I honestly can't tell if he hates them or respects them. The results are inconclusive because his wording was too flowery to understand — far more flowery than the epic poetry of a 7-5th century BCE Greek poet.

[arc-misadventures]

Horror Games

Jaune was a streamer, going by the name: Crescent Knight. And, today he was playing a relaxing game of, ‘Shadows of Doubt.’

Jaune: Okay… Fingerprints collected. Addresses collected. Any, and all information on the victim has been collected, and yet we have no clue who murdered this poor sod.

GoldenDragon: It was the butler!

RedReaper: No, it was the maid!

Jaune: I don’t think there is a maid, or a butler character in the game. You two.

GoldenDragon: I can dream, Harold!

Jaune: Hehe~! That you can. Ahh, my characters hungry. Lets see, what we should have today…?

TeaLotus: Noodles.

ThunderThighs: Pancakes!

Jaune: There are no pancakes, ThunderThighs, sorry.

ThunderThighs: WHAT?!!

ThunderThighs: This game sucks!

Jaune: Hehehe. What is with you, and your weird obsession with pancakes?

Jaune: Let’s see… 147th street…?!

A howling cry soon emanates form his speakers, causing, Jaune to look at the chat feed.

Jaune: Hey, thanks, GoddessofVictory for subscribing for…? (Whistles~!) Whoa… 14 months! Thank you! And, you sent me a message too…Let’s see… “Crescent, have you decided to do anymore collab streams with any other streamers soon?” Collab streams, eh? Well, Emerald Guardian, and I are planning on playing a few games later, but we need a few more people to play before we can do that. So… Maybe, hopefully soon.

ShadowNinja: Oh! Are you two going to be crossing swords soon~?

Jaune: Hilarious, Ninja, absolutely hilarious…

ShadowNinja: Let me enjoy my otp dammit!

AngelofSnow: We know you’re dating, let us enjoy this!

Jaune: Sheesh, can’t you guys get your own love life to be interested in. Not mine you sad, lonely people?

RedReaper: Ouch.

IceCreamShortstack: 🤣🤣🤣🤣

GoldenDragon: That hurts dude.

Jaune: Oh, we…

: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Jaune: …

Jaune: Lamb…?

TeaLotus: Did anyone else hear a scream?

CoffeeAddict: Was that Emerald Guardian?

BunbunBunny: Is she okay?

Jaune: Yeah, that was, Emerald Guardian, chat. She’s playing some sort of horror game.

Jaune: …

Jaune: I don’t think she’s winning…

CoffeeAddict: I don’t think so.

RedReaper: Sounds like she died during a jump scare.

Jaune: Yeah, probably. I don’t understand why she’s playing one of those game. She doesn’t watch horror films, because she can’t handle them, I don’t watch them because I’m bored by them. So, why is she playing those kind of games?!

GoldenDragon: Because it’s fun?

GoddesofVictory: People like to be scared.

Jaune: I know that, but…

(Click)

Jaune: Hmm?

Jaune swiveled in his chair, allow the chat to see the back of his chair as he addressed the new arrival in his room.

Jaune: Jessica? You okay?

ShadowNinja: Oh, are we going to have some juicy Emerald Knight moments!

IceCreamShortstack: 😘😘😘

AngelofSnow: Hell yeah!

Jaune: Do you need…? Hey, what are you… Ooph?!

ThunderThighs: Oohhh~! Sounds like something interesting is happening~!

GoddessofVictory: This should be good!

Jaune: Uhh… You okay?

Jessica: No…

Jaune: Did something scary happen?

Jessica: Yes…

Jaune: Okay… Do you want to stay here for a while then?

Jessica: Please?

Jaune: Stay as long as you want then. Now, lets get back to it.

Jaune swivelled in his chair so he was facing the camera again, and he showed himself sitting in his chair with his girlfriend, Jessica, the Emerald Guardian hugging him tightly, resting her head in the crook of his neck as she sat on him.

GoddessofVictory: OH MY GODS!!!

IceCreamLover: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

ShadowNinja: YES! All my fantasies are coming true!!!

BunBunBunny: Oh that is so precious!

CoffeeAddict: That’s so fucking adorable!

KnightBat: Hey, has anyone seem, Emerald Knight?

SuperMan: She left her game after that last jump scare.

GoldenDragon: Look for yourself.

RedReaper: ❤️ This is so cute!!! ❤️

AmazonianQueen: OH MY GODS!!! She hugging him like a koala! That is so precious!

Jaune: Hehe~! Ladies, and gentlemen: The benefits of a small girlfriend.

Jaune smiled for the camera before giving his Smol girlfriend a kiss, causing the chat feed to explode with hearts, and happy comments.

Jaune: Alright then, where were we…? Ahh yes. Murder~!

[c-jay-s-text-posts-only]

A Hairy Eulogy

Written with permission from @n6918

The next afternoon, Jaune was wandering around the Academy. He and Team RWBY had left the EverAfter the evening before and arrived just as the sun set.

When they were finally able to reach Shade, Jaune was amazed to see how packed it was. So many people from all the other kingdoms had come.

On one hand, many of the locals were struggling to be around those from Atlas, Vale, and Mistral - tensions between them and the Vecchians were rather high, especially after the war.

But on the other hand, he was glad so many people had gotten Ruby's message and taken it seriously; even Saphron and Terra came with Adrian.

He had gotten an earful from her since he hadn't told the full truth, but it warmed his heart to see his family again, and he promised to keep them out of harm's way.

As he wandered, he noticed the doors to one of the big rooms had been shut. He remembered seeing these ones open yesterday.

'Hello?' He wondered, 'What do we got over here?'

Jaune put his ear to the door, and heard what he could only describe as a wedding march.

'Can people get married at the academies?' He didn't know that until now.

Jaune pushed it open slightly, just enough to see inside. What he saw left him very perplexed.

It was dark inside, save for a spotlight aimed at a podium near the front of the room. Team RWBY were there, as well as Ren, Nora, Oscar, and Emerald. Weiss's sister, brother, and mother were with them too, and so was their butler.

Everyone faced away from the entrance, and so didn't see that Jaune had found them.

"Wha-" he wanted to ask.

Weiss stepped up to the podium, and everyone sat down.

"Dearly beloved." She began grandly, "My Friends. Family. And Ruby."

"Whu- HEY!" Ruby pouted.

Everyone laughed. Weiss hid a giggle behind her dainty hand.

"Oh, come on!" Ruby stamped the ground from her seat,

"Right, right, excuse me." Weiss recovered, "That was very mean of me, and I'm sorry, I won't do it again- moving on!"

"Not funny, Bro." Ruby pushed her lips out.

"We are gathered here this afternoon," Continued Weiss, "Ahem, in the sight of the Gods . . . And the enhanced hearing of our fun-loving-four-eared-friend, Blake-"

"PFFT- shit!" Blake covered her mouth and turned away.

Yang threw her head back to laugh and fell off the bench.

"Ooh, look at me, aren't I being funny?" Weiss sounded amused,

"Get on it with it already!" Nora hollered,

"Okay-okay! Okay." Weiss cleared her throat, "We are gathered here today, on this, most dreadful occasion. To mourn the absolute loss of our Dear friend, Jaune Arc's beard."

Jaune accidentally banged his head against the door.

"The fuck?" He stumbled in and carefully shut the door behind him.

Somehow, no one had noticed. Yang's mouth fell open and her eyebrows lowered as she got off the floor.

"Whu- dude." She took her seat and her eyelids lowered too, "Is this seriously what you dragged us all here for?"

"Yes." Weiss didn't even hesitate,

"Oh- Weiss, honestly." Winter looked disappointed, "I was meant to have a meeting with the Ace-Ops this afternoon, I cleared my schedule for you."

"I- I think our little Snowflake has something important to say about this." Klein interjected kindly, his eyes turned from brown to yellow, "Go on, my dear. What about losing this Jaune's beard has you so upset?"

"Thank you Klein." Weiss smiled at him, "as I was saying-"

"Uh, hold-up!" Interrupted Ruby, "Weiss, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"What do you mean?" Weiss raised an eyebrow,

"Well, like," Ruby tried to find the words, "Is this really something we need to cry about?"

"I still don't follow." Weiss shook her head,

"Dude, it's a frikken beard!" Yang found the words quite easily, "It's not like we need to have a ceremony for it!"

'. . . Thank you?' Jaune wasn't sure how to feel,

"Again, you seriously dragged us here to talk about that?" Yang put her hands on her hips,

"Well, how couldn't I?" Weiss threw her arms up, "I needed to talk to someone about this! Preferably a group of people. I mean, it's a completely, criminally rotten shame he doesn't have it anymore!"

"And that wolf tail too." Blake purred quietly, wiping her nose with a loud sniff,

"You see?" Weiss pointed to her teammate, "She understands!"

"Wait-a-moment, now I'm confused." Whitely raised his hand, "Were you friends with some one named Jaune, or were you friends with his beard?"

"Eughhh . . ." Winter shivered in her seat, "Whitley, please. Don't talk like that."

"Why not?" Whitely was genuinely puzzled,

"The picture it paints isn't one I'm interested in seeing." Winter didn't miss a beat,

"I beg your pardon?" Whitely still didn't understand, "I just want to know who we're holding this funeral for . . . And if I should feel sorry for, um, whomever we're talking about."

"Why is that important?" Winter blushed and wrinkled her nose,

"Well, I'd feel quite offended if someone mourned something so superficial about me." Whitely reasoned, "It'd be like if we held a ceremony for your hair before you dyed it white."

"You dye your hair?" Nora leaned over to see.

Winter glared at her little brother.

'No one was supposed to know.' She thought.

"I'd like to know whether we should do this for your father." Remarked Willow, "I think I prefer the idea of celebrating his mustache rather than the man himself."

The two considered.

"It is what he deserves at the moment." Whitely conceded,

"I like the sound of that as well, Mother." Winter nodded, then she turned back to the podium, "By the way, which one is Jaune again?"

Jaune's stared and gaped. He couldn't tell if Winter was being sarcastic or if she really didn't know, but regardless, he didn't like that at all.

'I'm so glad the first time I broke you a twenty was also the last time I ever broke you a twenty.' He thought grumpily, 'I worked with you for six months, and you don't even know my name? You literally ditched me in the Central Location like three days ago!'

Suddenly.

"BARK-BARK-WOOF-WOOF-LOOK-AT-HIM!" Nora did her best impression of an excited chihuahua, "HE'S SO HANDSOME AND COOL HERE!!

By now, Weiss had brought up a projected image of The Rusted Knight's true face. Jaune slapped his thigh, he was shocked but mostly confused.

'Who took that and when?!' He wanted to shout.

The picture Weiss used wasn't very flattering. It showed a very frantic Jaune, with his hand on Juniper's snout. His hair looked good, and it captured his beard nicely, but he had been a total mess there.

The look in his eyes did nothing to help.

That this was even happening made no sense.

Where was team SSSN when you needed time to bond with the bros over things we all understood?

"Thanks to Ruby," Weiss was still oblivious to Jaune being there, "the Visage has permanently been made immortal. And you have my eternal gratitude."

All eyes, except for Blake, turned to Ruby, who didn't look the least bit ashamed.

"My beastly bestie glowed up so good!" Ruby insisted, "Everyone deserves to know it! Look at him! LOOK AT HOW GOOD HE LOOKS!"

Blake hadn't taken her eyes off the picture; she didn't need a second telling. She was practically drooling, but interestingly, Yang wasn't very upset about that.

"Well said, I concur." Weiss nodded.

And the others murmured their agreement.

"What's he putting his hand on there?" Emerald tilted her head, "Is that a deer or like an elk, or something?"

"Oh, it's so cute." Oscar smiled,

"Look at those beautiful eyes!" Added Willow,

"That was Juniper." Explained Weiss, "The Rusted Knight's faithful jackalope."

"I WANNA RIDE THE BUNNY!" Nora shouted suddenly,

"Phrasing . . ." Ren sighed and clapped his forehead,

"As far as this creature is concerned," Put-in Winter, "head-pats and ear-scritchies are of the highest order."

"Wait, the who?" Whitely stuck his pinky in his ear and wiggled it out with a pop, "I can't have heard that right. Who's jacks-a-lot did you say-?"

"You heard me correctly, Whitely." Said Weiss, "Juniper is a jackalope, and she belonged to the Rusted Knight."

She smirked broadly.

"Whose hand is on her snout in the picture." She added.

"Wait, what?" Ren perked up,

"Our friend Jaune is, in fact," Weiss said proudly, "The Rusted Knight from the beloved children's story: The Girl Who Fell Through The World."

Everyone but Team RWBY reacted.

"No . . ." Emerald gaped, "You're lying."

"But-!" Winter looked like she might lose her mind, "But the Rusted Knight was an older man! I thought you said this Jaune was a friend of yours from Beacon?!"

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!!" Nora was thrilled, her eyes sparkled like polished gemstones, "I KNEW I HAD A REASON FOR CALLING HIM FEARLESS LEADER!! AND EVERYBODY DOUBTED ME!"

"But how?" Ren was more impressed, "That story was written almost two hundred years ago."

"Wait, that story was real?" Weiss knew she had Oscar's and Ozpin's full attention now,

"Indeed," She said, "The Girl Who Fell Through The World is, as it turns out, a true story. But certain events were either written out or altered to tell a much better one for children."

The others all wanted to know more, but Weiss quickly hushed them.

"As I'm sure this picture clearly shows," She said grandly, "Jaune's beard truly was a beautiful thing. The edges were a bit crooked, and the corners were somewhat unkempt, but it was thick~ and full~."

Jaune furrowed his brow.

'Am I hearing this right?' He was sure he couldn't be.

"The strands of grey mixed in with his blonde hair," Weiss seemed lost in her own little world now, "like veins of silver lost amid a field of gold, forever twirled and twined like clouds in the early morning sky."

Still looking at the picture, the others appraised his look, like critics at an unveiling. Although, none of them could remember a time when the sky appeared gold.

"And lest I dare myself to neglect," Weiss added quickly, "the way it shaped his~ beautiful face~."

Again, the others collectively agreed.

'Wait a sec, my beautiful face?' Jaune couldn't believe it, '. . . This woman is on drugs.'

"To summarize for those of you who are lost in my explanation, because I know that's possible now." Weiss paused impressively, "Jaune's beard was a hot, sexy thing, and it deserved its own article and three-page-spread in a Reader's Wives magazine."

"Why do you know what those are?" Ren was smirking.

"By the Gods . . ." But Weiss hadn't noticed, "Just looking at it had me weak in the knees and positively dripping~! I'm so sure that if I'd taken my panties off and gagged Yang with them, I could've shut her up for once."

"Ew." Ruby grimaced.

"PFFFFFT!" Blake palmed her face and tried not to laugh,

"Dude, I dare you to try that." Yang didn't think it was funny, "I dare ya, I just dare ya!"

Whitely had clamped his hands over his ears.

"I DON'T NEED TO HEAR MY SISTER TALKING LIKE THIS!" He nearly shouted.

Winter and Willow started weeping. Though for very different reasons.

"I can't believe my sister would speak in such a manner!" She gasped and hiccupped, "It's- it's . . . It's undignified! She used to be so precious!!"

"My darling girl is growing up!" Willow dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief, "I'm so proud of you my dear!"

Klein just stared blankly and his eyes turned pink. He wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry. And when he decided to do anything, he promptly fainted.

Whitely caught him just in time, Ren and Oscar gave him a hand too, and they laid Klein down on a free bench.

"In closing," Weiss finished, putting the picture away, "I wish to say this. Fare thee well, oh glorious beard and tail! You shall be sorely missed-"

The spotlight went out, and darkness filled the room.

"Agh!" Shrieked Ruby, "I'm blind!"

Winter and Ren readied their weapons.

"Who's there?!" Demanded Weiss, "How dare you interrupt-"

"Okay, I've heard just about enough." Jaune's voice boomed from the back of the room.

The main lights turned back on.

Weiss saw Jaune and screamed for a second before calming down.

"Oh, hi Jaune!" She tried, desperate to save face, "I- um . . . How are you doing?"

"Well enough to know that I could have a three-page-spread in Dazzle." Jaune smirked.

The colour drained from Weiss's face, which Yang, Blake, and Ruby thought looked hilarious. They didn't think her skin could get any lighter.

Dazzle was a popular Health and fitness magazine, and it often showcased some of the best, most physically attractive people on Remnant.

Yang mentioned once that Weiss sometimes read them, but only when she needed . . . Inspiration.

"Oh." Weiss anxiously bit her lip, "Um, I see . . . Uhm . . . Wh- we- huhhh . . "

She took a deep breath and bit the bullet.

"How much of that . . ." She asked, "how much of that did you hear?"

Jaune was still smirking.

"I came in at around the 'Dearly beloved' bit." He answered.

Weiss's pupils dilated.

"Ah- . . . Ha . . ." Was all she could say.

Jaune's smirk became a smile.

"I'm not upset, just so you know." He told her.

"Ohhhh . . ." Weiss buried her face in her hands, "Gods, I've made such a fool of myself . . ."

"If nothing else, I just think it's funny." Jaune crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow, "I didn't know I affected you like that."

"I thought you said you didn't think you had an affect at all!" Called Nora,

"I do now, apparently!" Jaune called back,

"Please stopppp." Weiss begged, raising her head, "Look, I'm sorry. I mean it, I am-!"

"Hey."

Jaune put his thumb on her chin, tilting her head up to look her in the eye. Weiss stopped at once.

"I forgive you." He said simply.

And for the third time since they'd met up again, Jaune have her a hug. Weiss's strength returned, and she threw her arms around him, squeezing tightly.

Everyone cooed as they watched.

"But you know," He reminded her, " I could always just grow my beard out again-"

Weiss jerked back in his arms.

"YES!" She didn't even hesitate and blushed when she realised what she'd done, "Uh- ahem! Please. Yes. Please. Please do."

Jaune wheezed and laughed.

“YOOOOOOOOOO-!!” Ruby, Yang, and Emerald laughed too, none of them could believe their ears.

"Okay, okay." Jaune recovered, silencing the crowd, "I'll grow my beard out again."

"EEEEEEEEEEE!" Weiss balled her hands into fists and jittered excitedly on the spot.

Blake was excited, too, and was bouncing in her seat with glee. Once again, Yang, surprisingly, didn't seem to mind. She just smiled.

"But if we want to do this right . . ." Now Jaune bit his lip, "I gotta ask you something."

He dropped down on one knee and took Weiss's hand in his.

Everyone gasped.

Was this happening?

"Weiss Seraphim Winona Schnee." Jaune proposed, "Will you do me the honor . . . of signing a prenup with me?"

The mood died at once. Strangely, Ren was the only one doing his very best not to laugh out loud.

"What?!" All the girls except for Weiss shouted,

"Wh-. Ah- eh- m, what." Weiss fumbled,

"There's always a catch." Winter sighed, shaking her head, "And Seraphim is my middle name!"

"Lousy blood-sucker." Muttered Willow,

"I'm surprised you know what that is." Realised Ruby.

For those who don't know, a prenup, or prenuptial is an agreement made between two people before marriage. It establishes either the husband's or wife's rights to property and support in the event of divorce or death.

Somehow, it rubbed the girls the wrong way, knowing Jaune would want one. Ruby, and Yang especially. They both knew there was no escaping death; they had lost their mother after all.

What they didn't like was the idea of planning for a separation.

Something about that felt . . . Underhanded.

"Listen, Momma raised a smart boy." Jaune liked to pretend he was, "If we really wanna do this, then I think we both deserve a little security. Don't you think?"

Now, Weiss was a practical woman, and she agreed that security was important. She pursed her lips together.

"Ahhhhugh fine," she sighed reluctantly, then thought carefully and clicked her tongue, "how about . . . Ten-thousand lien a month for you to stay by my side, that fair?"

"Well, I was thinking of- you whaaAATT??" Jaune stared at her in utter disbelief,

"What?" Weiss was surprised,

"You- you're kidding me, right?" Jaune recovered with a shake of his head, "ten-thousand?"

"What? What's wrong with that??" Weiss was very confused, "Is it not enough-"

"Weiss, are you trying to buy me or marry me?" He quickly stopped her,

"Ah-" Weiss paused,

"Ah-" Ren, Blake, and Yang paused,

"Ah-" Willow, Winter, and Whitley inhaled sharply through their teeth,

"Ooh . . ." Ruby winced, "Yeahhhh, you- you wouldn't have to pay him to do that . . ."

Weiss felt very ashamed of herself. She must have sounded a lot like her father just then. Throughout her entire speech, in fact.

Jaune's mouth morphed into a teasing smile and Weiss saw it.

"But-" She tried, "But you said-"

"I was joking," Jaune soothed her, "I don't really want a prenup. Are you THAT serious?"

By now, Weiss's face had turned incredibly pink. Any pinker, and she might pass out.

Yang leaned over to Blake.

"It's weird seeing him tease people like this." She whispered.

"Mm-hm." Blake agreed.

"Well . . ." Weiss tried again, "I . . . We've both done a lot of growing since we met at Beacon."

"Well, yeah . . ." Jaune nodded, sheepish.

"And . . . I can see now, with the benefit of foresight . . . And . . . hindsight, I suppose . . ." Weiss admitted, "that I'd be quite happy to share a future with you."

"Foresight and hindsight?" Jaune cocked an eyebrow again.

Weiss was about to speak again, but her thoughts were cut short, however, as a loud voice broke through the building tension.

"Oh, NOW you like him." Nora wasn't impressed.

Weiss jumped.

"Well?" Nora leaned in expectantly, pinching her fingers together and shaking her hand, "Speak-a da Basic! Do you like Jaune-Jaune for Jaune-Jaune, or because you know how sexy he's gonna be when he's your mom's age?"

"A-And- and what if I do?" She tried not to look embarrassed, "I'm grown up enough to admit when I'm wrong. Or- when I have been."

"Ah- excuse me," Willow raised her hand, "I'm not nearly that old."

No one argued that.

Nora put her hands on her hips and shook her head.

"Listen, Weissy, if you didn't like his goofball-hero era, then you don't deserve him as a full-blown DILF." She proclaimed, as if it were ancient wisdom, "I don't care if you don't think you're marrying him for the beard or not, ya gots ta earn the rights to it."

"Nora . . ." Jaune couldn't be angry,

"Look, I'mma be honest," Nora said, turning to him, "You know I've always thought you were hot, but if the chips were down and we didn't have Ren, I'd've totally gone out with you."

Everyone stared at Ren, who nodded.

"It was mutual." He said plainly,

". . . Seriously?" Jaune was touched,

"With or without the beard." Nora smiled, "You're still our Jaune."

Behind everyone, Oscar was just confused.

"Wait-wait-wait, I still don't get it." He scratched his head, "What does the beard have to do with it?"

He came from a certain part of Mistral where beards were considered hard on the eyes, especially if they weren't trimmed properly.

Emerald gave him a pitying look and patted his cheek like an over-concerned aunt.

"Eh, I'll tell you about it when you're older, sweetie." She promised.

Oscar blushed. He wasn't sure how to feel about being called 'sweetie' by Emerald of all people.

Jaune, meanwhile, was blushing too and had looked away.

"Daaaaammnn." He fidgeted, "You got me twirlin' my hair and-"

Jaune reached up, and remembered.

"Oh yeah . . ." He wrinkled his forehead, "The haircut."

Everyone laughed again, even Jaune. Looking out at the sea of smiling faces, from friends both old and new, he felt happy for the first time in years.

It was great to be back to his old self again.