#duality of man: extreme edition

[yesloulou]

Marc Marquez and Daniel Ricciardo skippered for one day | Wednesday, Spain '24 🇪🇸

[housewilson]

A MASTERLIST OF ALL THE BOOKS I COULD FIND IN TIM'S BOOKSHELVES

As someone who basically sees Tim Laughlin as my own version of Jesus Christ (I kind of wish I was lying but I have a 'beyond measure' tattoo branding my skin so perhaps I'm entirely serious), I simply needed to know what was on those shelves of his. And this was a hard task to achieve, believe me... but I got much farther than I initially thought I would.

(I've got so much to say about all of these books and how they might string together to create a deeper understanding of Tim as a character but I won't go into it here... maybe in a future post or video essay, who knows).

If you wish to help a girl out and attempt to figure out any of the other books I simply can not crack no matter how I look at the screenshots and mess with the adjustments... here's a folder full of 2k sized screenshots of those shelves.

Before I list the books one by one, I want to make a couple observations:

1) Almost all of the books I was able to pinpoint are non-fiction. The ones that aren't are children's books.

2) Topically, we see an interdisciplinary interest in:

History: from a book on a king in 4BC, to a survey of landholding in England in the 11th century.

Somewhat current historical events: books on World War I and II.

Western Philosophers: specially from the 16th to the 18th century.

Aesthetics: there's at least 2 books on the subject matter, but I couldn't find the second one, sadly.

Spirituality: not only christian/catholic; some of these books touch on Eastern practices such as Buddhism and Hinduism.

Fairy tales / children's books.

Psychology: specially in regards to mysticism and sexuality.

Science and scientific discovery/research.

3) A lot of the history, current events, and spirituality books are autobiographies/memoirs.

4) A lot of books (specially those on sciences and philosophy) tend to be more so anthologies or overviews on a subject matter rather than a book written by one specific author on one very concrete topic.

Overall, this all reflects very well an idea Jonathan Bailey himself expressed in a brilliant interview you can watch here if you haven't yet:

"Tim has buddhist flags in his 1980s flat in San Francisco, he has crystals, he is someone who is always seeking other ways to understand human experience. Which is probably tiring for him. Throughout the decades, he sort of appears as completely different people. At the crux of it there's this extreme grinding, contrasting, aggressive duality between feeling lovable and not feeling lovable. There's such shame in Tim. But it's the push and the pull which keeps him alive.”

This desire to understand human psychology, spirituality, and the ways of the universe through as many diverse lenses as possible, as well as a predilection for non-fiction, expresses very much to me that insatiable thirst for truth that defines his character so strongly.

OKAY, THAT BEING SAID. Here's the list in chronological order of publication.

PS. if you decided to click on any of the following titles it'd definitely not take you to a google drive link of the pdf file where you could download and read these books for yourself. Because that would be illegal and wrong.

Journeys through Bookland by Charles H. Sylvester (1901?) (1922 Edition)

I don't know which specific volume he owns, sorry, I tried my best but the number is not discernible (hell, the title barely is). If anyone wants the download link to these hmu because I'm not about to individually download all 10 right now.

10 volumes of poems, myths, Bible stories, fairy tales, and excerpts from children's novels, as well as a guide to the series. It has been lauded as ‘a new and original plan for reading, applied to the world’s best literature for children.’

Pilgrimage by Graham Seton Hutchison (1936)

This book provides a view of the battlefields of WW I through the eyes of the average fighting man. 

One curious thing about this book is that it's author, a British First World War army officer and military theorist, went on to become a fascist activist later in his life. Straight from Wikipedia:

"Seton Hutchison became a celebrated figure in military circles for his tactical innovations during the First World War but would later become associated with a series of fringe fascist movements which failed to capture much support even by the standards of the far right in Britain in the interbellum period." He made a contribution to First World War fiction with his espionage novel, The W Plan."

The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton (1948) 

The Seven Storey Mountain tells of the growing restlessness of a brilliant and passionate young man, who at the age of twenty-six, takes vows in one of the most demanding Catholic orders—the Trappist monks. At the Abbey of Gethsemani, "the four walls of my new freedom," Thomas Merton struggles to withdraw from the world, but only after he has fully immersed himself in it. At the abbey, he wrote this extraordinary testament, a unique spiritual autobiography that has been recognized as one of the most influential religious works of our time. Translated into more than twenty languages, it has touched millions of lives.

This book requires no introduction. It's the one he keeps the Fire Island's postcard in and the one we see him re-reading in episode 8 after Hawk brings it to the hospital with him at the end of episode 7.

Just a little detail I noticed:

Apparently he liked the book so much he visited Gethsemani, which was the home of its author all the way up till 1968.

For all we know, he might have even met its author!

Sexual Behavior in the Human Male by Alfred Charles Kinsey, Wardell B. Pomeroy (1948)

When published in 1948 this volume encountered a storm of condemnation and acclaim. It is, however, a milestone on the path toward a scientific approach to the understanding of human sexual behavior. Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey and his fellow researchers sought to accumulate an objective body of facts regarding sex. They employed first hand interviews to gather this data. This volume is based upon histories of approximately 5,300 males which were collected during a fifteen year period. This text describes the methodology, sampling, coding, interviewing, statistical analyses, and then examines factors and sources of sexual outlet.

Yes, Charles Kinsey is indeed behind the Kinsey scale that has done so much for the LGBTQ+ community.

Their Finest Hour (1949), The Grand Alliance (1950), and Closing the Ring (1951) by Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill's six-volume history of the cataclysm that swept the world remains the definitive history of the Second World War. Lucid, dramatic, remarkable both for its breadth and sweep and for its sense of personal involvement, it is universally acknowledged as a magnificent reconstruction and is an enduring, compelling work that led to his being awarded the Nobel Prize for literature in 1953. 

The European Philosophers from Descartes to Nietzsche by Monroe C. Beardsley (1960)

In so far as we reflect upon ourselves and our world, and what we are doing in it, says the editor of this anthology, we are all philosophers. And therefore we are very much concerned with what the twelve men represented in this book--the major philosophers on the Continent of Europe--have to say to us, to help us build our own philosophy, to think things out in our own way. For the issues that we face today are partly determined by the work of thinkers of earlier generations, and no other time is more important to the development of Western thought than is the 250-year period covered by this anthology. Monroe. C. Beardsley, Professor of Philosophy at Swarthmore College, has chosen major works, or large selections from them, by each man, with supplementary passages to amplify or clarify important points. These include: Descartes - Discourse on Method (Descartes), Thoughts (Pascal), The Nature of Evil (Spinoza), The Relation Between Soul and Body (Leibniz), The Social Construct (Rousseau), Critique of Pure Reason (Kant), The Vocation of Man (Fichte), Introducciton to the Philosophy of History (Hegel), The World as Will and Idea (Schopenhauer), A General View of Positivism (Comte), The Analysis of Sensations and the Relation of the Physical to the Psychical (Mach), Beyond Good and Evil (Nietzsche).

The New Intelligent Man's Guide to Science by Isaac Asimov (1965)

Asimov tells the stories behind the science: the men and women who made the important discoveries and how they did it. Ranging from Galilei, Achimedes, Newton and Einstein, he takes the most complex concepts and explains it in such a way that a first-time reader on the subject feels confident on his/her understanding. Assists today's readers in keeping abreast of all recent discoveries and advances in physics, the biological sciences, astronomy, computer technology, artificial intelligence, robotics, and other sciences.

The Heavenly City of the 18th Philosophers by Carl L. Becker (1932) (1962 reprint)

Here a distinguished American historian challenges the belief that the eighteenth century was essentially modern in its temper. In crystalline prose Carl Becker demonstrates that the period commonly described as the Age of Reason was, in fact, very far from that; that Voltaire, Hume, Diderot, and Locke were living in a medieval world, and that these philosophers “demolished the Heavenly City of St. Augustine only to rebuild it with more up-to-date materials.” In a new foreword, Johnson Kent Wright looks at the book’s continuing relevance within the context of current discussion about the Enlightenment.

I find the particular choice of adding this book very curious and on brand, since it explores the idea that philosophers of the Enlightenment very much resembled religious dogma/faith in their structure and purpose. Just... A+ of the props department to not just add any kind of book on philosophy anthology.

Herod The Great by Michael Grant (1971)

The Herod of popular tradition is the tyrannical King of Judaea who ordered the Massacre of the Innocents and died a terrible death in 4 BC as the judgment of God. But this biography paints a much more complex picture of this contemporary of Mark Antony, Cleopatra, and the Emperor Augustus. Herod devoted his life to the task of keeping the Jews prosperous and racially intact. To judge by the two disastrous Jewish rebellions that occurred within a hundred and fifty years of his death -- those the Jews called the First and Second Roman Wars -- he was not, in the long run, completely successful. For forty years Herod walked the most precarious of political tightropes. For he had to be enough of a Jew to retain control of his Jewish subjects, and enough of a pro-Roman to preserve the confidence of Rome, within whose territory his kingdom fell. For more than a quarter of a century he was one of the chief bulwarks of Augustus' empire in the east. He made Judaea a large and prosperous country. He founded cities and built public works on a scale never seen before: of these, recently excavated Masada is a spectacular example. And he did all this in spite of a continuous undercurrent of protest and underground resistance. The numerous illustrations presents portraits and coins, buildings and articles of everyday use, landscapes and fortresses, and subsequent generations' interpretations of the more famous events, actual and mythical, of Herod's career.

Readings in the Philosophy of Art and Aesthetics compiled by Milton Charles Nahm (1975)

A college level comprehensive anthology of essays written on the arts and the field of aesthetic philosophy.

The Mustard Seed: Discourses on the Sayings of Jesus Taken from the Gospel According to Thomas by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (1975)

This timely book explores the wisdom of the Gnostic Jesus, who challenges our preconceptions about the world and ourselves. Based on the Gospel of Thomas, the book recounts the missing years in Jesus’ life and his time in Egypt and India, learning from Egyptian secret societies, then Buddhist schools, then Hindu Vedanta. Each of Jesus' original sayings is the "seed" for a chapter of the book; each examines one aspect of life — birth, death, love, fear, anger, and more — counterpointed by Osho’s penetrating comments and responses to questions from his audience.

(You don't know how fulfilling it was to find some of these books and just sit there like "oh my god, yessss, he'd SO read that".)

A Third Testament by Malcolm Muggeridge (1976)

A modern pilgrim explores the spiritual wanderings of Augustine, Pascal, Blake, Kierkegaard, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, and Bonhoeffer. A Third Testament brings to life seven men whose names are familiar enough, but whose iconoclastic spiritual wanderings make for unforgettable reading. Muggeridge's concise biographies are an accessible and manageable introduction to these spiritual giants who carried on the testament to the reality of God begun in the Old and New Testaments. - St. Augustine, a headstrong young hedonist and speechwriter who turned his back on money and prestige in order to serve Christ - Blaise Pascal, a brilliant mathematician who pursued scientific knowledge but warned people against thinking they could live without God - William Blake, a magnificent artist-poet who pled passionately for the life of the spirit and warned of the blight that materialism would usher in - Soren Kierkegaard, a renegade philosopher who spent most of his life at odds with the church, and insisted that every person must find his own way to God - Fyodor Dostoevsky, a debt-ridden writer and sometime prisoner who found, in the midst of squalor and political turmoil, the still small voice of God - Leo Tolstoy, a grand old novelist who swung between idealism and depression, loneliness and fame and a duel awareness of his sinfulness and God s grace - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a pastor whose writings and agonized involvement in a plot to kill Hitler cost him his life, but continue to inspire millions

Portraits: The photography of Carl Van Vechten (1978)

Can't find a file but you can borrow it from archive.com in the link provided.

During his career as a photographer, Carl Van Vechten’s subjects, many of whom were his friends and social acquaintances, included dancers, actors, writers, artists, activists, singers, costumiers, photographers, social critics, educators, journalists, and aesthetes. [...] As a promoter of literary talent and a critic of dance, theater, and opera, Carl Van Vechten was as interested in the cultural margin as he was in the day’s most acclaimed and successful people. His diverse subjects give a sense of both Carl Van Vechten’s interests and his considerable role in defining the cultural landscape of the twentieth century; among his many sitters one finds the leading lights of the Harlem Renaissance, the premier actors and writers of the American stage, the world’s greatest opera stars and ballerinas, the most important and influential writers of the day, among many others.

Report of the Shroud of Turin by John H Heller (1983)

Heller, while a man of science, was nevertheless a devout man (Southern Baptist). He viewed his task concerning The Shroud with great scepticism; there have been far too many hoaxes in the world of religion. The book describes in great detail the events leading up to the team's conviction that the Shroud was genuine; last - not least - being Heller and Adler's verification of "heme" (blood) and the inexplicable "burned image" of the crucified man. Although carbon dating indicates that the image is not 2000 years old and that the cloth is from the Middle Ages, there is not enough evidence to disprove Heller's assertion that the Shroud is indeed genuine.

Context for those who may not know (though I doubt it's necessary): The shroud of Turin "is a length of linen cloth that bears a faint image of the front and back of a man. It has been venerated for centuries, especially by members of the Catholic Church, as the actual burial shroud used to wrap the body of Jesus of Nazareth after his crucifixion, and upon which Jesus's bodily image is miraculously imprinted."

It is a very controversial subject matter and I definitely don't know that from going to an Opus Dei school since the day I was born till the day I graduated high school.

Mysticism, Psychology and Oedipus by Israel Regardie (1985)

I've tried my hardest but despite many Israel Regardie books being on the world wide web, I can't find a copy of this specific one.

Mysticism, Psychology and Oedipus, from the Small Gems series is one of these mysterious alchemys which Regardie and Spiegelman crafted for the serious student of mysticism. Mysticism, Psychology and Oedipus by Dr. Israel Regardie and his friend, world renowned Jungian Psychologist, J. Marvin Spiegelman, Ph.D. was created to reach the serious student at the intersecting paths of magic, mysticism and psychology. While each area of study overlaps they also maintain their own individual paths of truth. One of Regardie’s greatest gifts was his rare ability to combine these difficult and diverse subjects and make them understandable.

Domesday Book Through Nine Centuries by Elizabeth M. Hallam (1986)

In 1086 a great survey of landholding in England was carried out on the orders of William the Conqueror, and its results were recorded in the two volumes, which, within less than a century, were to acquire the name of Domesday, or the Book of Judgment 'because its decisions, like those of the last Judgment, are unalterable'. This detailed survey of the kingdom, unprecedented at that time in its scope, gives us an extraordinarily vivid impression of the life of the eleventh century.

The following two are a fuck up on the props department part because they were published after 1987 but we'll forgive them because they were not expecting for me to do all this to figure out the titles of these books, I'm sure:

The One Who Set Out to Study Fear by Peter Redgrove (1989)

This book barely exists physically, rest assured it does not exist online... LOL.

The author of The Wise Wound presents here a re-telling of Grimm's famous fairy tales, written in a manner and spirit more suited to the present day. Each story is rooted in the original, but cast in an energetic style that is both disrespectful and humorous. 

Essential Papers on Masochism by Margaret Ann Fitzpatrick Hanly (1995)

The contested psychoanalytic concept of masochism has served to open up pathways into less-explored regions of the human mind and behavior. Here, rituals of pain and sexual abusiveness prevail, and sometimes gruesome details of unconscious fantasies are constructed out of psychological pain, desperate need, and sexually excited, self- destructive violence. In this significant addition to the "Essential Papers in Psychoanalysis" series, Margaret Ann Fitzpatrick Hanly presents an anthology of the most outstanding writings in the psychoanalytic study of masochism. In bringing these essays together, Dr. Fitzpatrick Hanly expertly combines classic and contemporary theories by the most respected scholars in the field to create a varied and integrated volume. This collection features papers by S. Nacht, R. Loewenstein, Victor Smirnoff, Sigmund Freud, Jacques Laplanche, Robert Bak, Leonard Shengold, K. Novick, J. Novick, S. Coen, Margaret Brenman, Esther Menaker, S. Lorand, M. Balint, Bernhard Berliner, Charles Brenner, Helene Deutsch, Annie Reich, Marie Bonaparte, Jessica Benjamin, S.L. Olinick, Arnold Modell, Betty Joseph, and Janine Chasseguet-Smirgel.

Let's not forget another book we know has been present in his shelves at some point:

Look Homeward, Angel by Thomas Wolfe (1929)

It is Wolfe's first novel, and is considered a highly autobiographical American coming-of-age story. The character of Eugene Gant is generally believed to be a depiction of Wolfe himself. The novel briefly recounts Eugene's father's early life, but primarily covers the span of time from Eugene's birth in 1900 to his definitive departure from home at the age of 19. The setting is a fictionalization of his home town of Asheville, North Carolina, called Altamont in the novel.

And Ron Nyswaner mentioned in a podcast (might be this one? I'm not sure) that he scrapped from the script a line where Tim recommends this poem at some point:

He specially emphasized the line "If equal affection cannot be, Let the more loving one be me".

And lastly, if anyone wanted to know:

His copy of the bible is the Revised Standard Version by Thomas Nelson from either 1952 or 1953.

Because why the hell not figure out what specific translation of the holy bible a fictional character was basing his beliefs on — as if the set designers cared nearly as much as I do.

[anonymous-rendezvous]

Relationship & NSFW Dynamics —

✨ Noctyx Edition ✨

First (1st), we want to re-emphasize that we are writing for the characters. Second (2nd), this is merely our opinion and how we write them.

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

🔗 Sonny 🔗

Pet Names: Babe [More often than not, just calls you by name]

╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:

The Noctyx's boy with the least amount of past trauma. He's just "VSF!! 💥 💥 💥"

This mans way too busy kicking down doors to be worrying about relationships. Like, Sonny, finding his way into a relationship is completely accidental. In the beginning, he just thinks you are really interesting, and the more time you spend together he starts to find you really attractive and then uh-oh someone’s caught feelings.

He was in so much denial at the beginning of your relationship. Once he's over that, however, be prepared to be sucker punched by random bouts of sweetness. And the fucking duality of this man. You will have whiplash from how sudden he can go from being rough and serious to sweet and silly.

Also, be prepared to be worried 90% of the time because of his job as a police officer with his damn obsession of rushing in and busting doors down.

[[NSFW under the cut!!]]

╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Switch (Dom leaning)

So it's pretty obvious why Dom-leaning but… Switch. Listen, he gives as much as he takes. Like, he's incredibly kind and caring, but also he's a masochist. And a bit of a sadist??? Again: switch. Could see rough play being one of his interests. He likes the idea of you – consensually – taking control of him.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

🔮 Uki 🔮

Pet Names: Starlight, Stardust, Babe/Baby, and the occasional Honey

╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:

Okay, now not to be a broken record but, once again: we're talking about the characters.

The man's lore is sad™. He's been through some pretty traumatizing stuff, and as a result, we feel like he's not really all that horny most of the time. Also, it's kinda hard to think about romance when you grew up living in survival mode.

He needs someone who will be understanding and patient with him. He’ll also need space at times, but he’s good at communicating that, so if he doesn’t bring it up — get ready to cuddle the fuck up. Most of all, just love him. Pamper him, comfort him, love him. He deserves the world.

And if you don't treat him right? Be prepared to have the Uki protection squad after your ass.

╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Switch (Sub leaning)

Now once he's comfortable with you? That changes things. He'd likely be more open to trying new things, and boy, would his mouth start to run. Overall, just take care of him. Pamper him some more. He deserves it, okay? 🥺He is still a switch, though. And if he finds you cute? Prepare yourself.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

🎭 Alban 🎭

Pet Names: Sunshine, Babe/Baby, Honey, Sweetheart, & Little Cat

╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:

Another sad boi 😞 Similar to Uki: it's kinda hard to think about romance when you grew up living in survival mode.

Sadly, this man has trust issues. He has a hard time opening up because he doesn't want to hurt anyone or get hurt. He already lost one dear friend, he doesn’t want to risk losing more people. 

It'll take some time to work through those feelings, but once he does, y'all are fuckin golden. Alban's very doting and extremely caring. He's like a prince without the royalty aspect. He'll be opening doors for you, carrying your stuff- carrying you.

Also, side note? Please tell him to stop stealing expensive gifts for you. Sonny can only let it slide for so long.

╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Switch | Soft Dom

Pure switch right here, baby 🤌

The most bullyable bottom and the softest of Dom's. Could see him having an interest in primal play. Basically playing games of cat and mouse with you. Who's the hunter would likely depend on what kind of mood he's in honestly. He'd never admit it, but he kinda likes it when you take control from him (in a consensual way of course.). Honestly, too? This guy just goes through random bouts of horniness just by looking at you.

Similarly, to some of the other boys, if you ask him to try something new, he'd be pretty open to it.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

🐑 Fulgur 🐑

Pet Names: Babe, Little One/Little Lamb (Legatus), Dear, & Sweetie (Archivist)

╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:

First things first, we need to make it clear that we typically write a combination of Legatus and Archivist [typically a little more Archivist leaning].

However, it doesn't matter if we're following Legatus lore or Archivist lore; this man has too much shit happening around him, and to him, to be worrying about relationships. But hey, that's alright! He's been sent to the past, so fuck all that! Now he can get rid of all that pent-up anger! :D

In the beginning, you'll get more of the Legatus personality. He'll come off as cold and aloof. It'll take a bit, but as long as you don't give up, you will crack through that hardened exterior. Once you're in the relationship, Archivists' personality shines. Incredibly caring and comforting. He's an old soul.

╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Switch (Dom leaning)

Now, the juicy stuff.

This man will. Fuck. You. Up. He can either be extremely soft or really rough and there's no in-between. Dirty talk and degradation galore during rough play, but only the sweetest praise when he's soft. Sensory play is probably a really big thing for him (both giving and reviving).

Side note; when he's on the reviving end, make sure he keeps his hands on that bed frame. The last thing y'all need is him accidentally breaking any of your bones.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

🎧 Yugo 🎧

Pet Names: Angle, Muse, Babe, Sweetheart, (My) Doll [But only adds the "my" when he doesn't like they way someones looking at you]

╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:

4 outta 5, another sad boi less gooo 😂

The only member of this group who at least has some type of experience. Kinda hard to date tho when you're leading a resistance. Honestly, though, this boy is the most straightforward of the five.

First off, this smooth mother fucker. He's very confident in his ability to woo. Be prepared to be rizzed to hell and back. Yugo’s very physical in his affection; he’s a pretty big fan of PDA. More often than not, you’ll find his arm wrapped around your shoulders or waist. Yugo prefers to give personalized gifts.

He's a people person. Man was both a DJ and leader of a revolution, after all. You cannot hide your emotions from him. He can and will read you like a damn book.

╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Dom

He knows you're horny before you know you're horny.

Pure 👏 Dom 👏 Energy 👏. Try to argue with the clapping hand. You can't. Good luck trying to Top this man. It'll be a real struggle. The only time you're on top is when he's literally too exhausted to move.

Also, hope you don't mind getting it on in public places. Has one VIP booth in his club constantly reserved for the two of you. And don't worry, he'll make sure you're never caught.

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

Btw if you guys are interested in seeing a post just dedicated to scenarios with some of the kinks we think the bois have, then this post needs to hit at least 300 notes. Hope you enjoyed~

-Mod I ✨ & Mod S 👿

P.S. Want a say in what we write more of? Please answer this form!

[clarabowmp3]

here's what I love about loml: the melody and lyrics fit together so well that nothing sounds clunky, but she's still not compromising on artistic value. in fact, i'd say the shorter lyrics enhance the quality as its just sucker punch after sucker punch. the cadence of most of the song (as per the line fragments) sounds like someone taking short breaths, as if debilitatingly encumbered by emotion. or, if we take it further in the context of the funeral motif, like someone taking their last breaths.

there is this 'duality' (opposites) to the song in sooo many ways: first in the lyrics (never before/never since, one kiss/getting married, alive/cemetery, low-down boy/stand-up guy, all time/momentary, "I'll never leave"/"never mind") then in the first chorus she paints a picture of a wedding but its almost unnervingly unclear because of all the funeral diction (cemetery, killing time, (holy) ghost). as the song shifts from 'love' to 'loss,' the wedding image gets juxtaposed by one of a funeral, and YET there are parts where the two blur together (suit and tie, at some point that glow starts to feel like a hole) -> which I feel so perfectly represents the tension in that relationship where there is such a fine line separating the two harsh extremes.

even as the duality starts to dissolve past the first chorus (more emphasis on the 'loss' --> con man, get-love-quick scheme (scam), hole), the tender melody and pleasingly smooth vocals remain which creates this unsettling effect since that quiet peace has been flipped on its head to be turned into this quiet devastation. taking it one step further, the fact that this song is phrased to be written completely in hindsight (past tense throughout) it makes the quiet unassuming joy the speaker gets from their fictional wedding feel even more tragic.

by the time we get to the second chorus there is minimal ambiguity in her tone, it is 100% fully one of mourning and bordering on anger (as seen in the bridge). even in her contemptuous 'Mr. Steal Your Girl,' she follows it up with how hurt she feels over him calling her the love of his life as if she can't even be properly/fully angry at this person. in fact, that line is at the end of the chorus, almost symbolising how she can feel as angry as she wants at him, but despite all that there's this underlying grief and despair over his inability to follow through with his love-of-his-life promises. as the message gets clearer, the message/feeling of the song hits harder as there is less confusion or ambiguity.

in the bridge, there's this fantastical image of 'dancing phantoms' which reignites that confusion in the song with the added instability from the sinister image of the phantoms, plus the cadence of the song increases, she's talking faster now and there's less 'empty room,' indicating more pointed/stronger emotion. with the song's tone of this bone-deep grief, the 'terrace' might be a very very subtle nod to suicidal ideation, emphasis on the might. throughout the song she rattles btw love and loss, so this sudden suggestion that it was 'counterfeit' casts doubt on the validity of her emotions in the first place.

here we also start to move past from the duality as indicated by the three tiers of legendary -> momentary -> unnecessary, as if she is washing her hands of the whole affair ('should've let it STAY BURIED'). this lyric also indicates her moving past the duality as letting something stay buried implies that it has already been buried, ie its 'funeral' has passed, and the funeral motif was used as part of the duality representation from earlier.

anyways all this to say for most of the reasons above ^^ this song also gives me STRONG corpse bride vibes of which i made an edit here if anyone's interested :)

[sxtvrns]

pre-release benefits

🎶 now playing: kiss - nct dojaejung

P: Choi Soobin x Fem!Idol!Reader

S: A collaboration announced with a dear friend of yours seems to go down the one path you didn’t expect. You weren’t complaining.

C: LOTS of tension, soobin duality, fluff, y/n in denial, kinda dirty makeout scene, rushed, soobin a lil ooc?

N: i wanted to start writing something new so bad but im running out of plot ideas send help UNTIL i remembered i had a soobin thing in my drafts that absolutely sucked ass so i deleted it and this is… im hoping this one is better and i dont delete it this time <3

view the full perfume collection.

please interact if you enjoy!

Everyone knew you and Soobin were best friends. The closest. You shared everything with each other. Someone told you a secret that you weren’t supposed to tell anyone? You immediately go tell Soobin. He gets very much classified information regarding the release of their new album? He goes and tells you.

See, you two were good at keeping each other’s secrets. You were 90% sure Soobin has blackmail on almost every single popular group in the industry at this point.

What led you two to be this close in the first place? Well, you were a producer and a music artist yourself under Big Hit. You helped produce some of their music, recorded them in the studio, and assisted in releasing some of their greatest hits.

Soobin took a liking to you, and your nice but strong constructive criticism. You let them have their freedom but in a way that the song would sound exactly how you wanted it to come out. The more he ran into you, the more you talked. The more you talked, the closer you became. The closer you became, the more you began to see each other as friends.

And that’s how it all started. Soobin saw himself lucky since he didn’t share a room with anyone, meaning no one had to hear him laugh or giggle under his covers whenever you texted him something humorous. Unless his groupmates hear him through the walls, they haven’t given him any noise complaints.

You didn’t perform on music shows often, so being seen on the big screen by fans sometimes came as a surprise. You were more laid back than elaborate, but still enticing and entertaining, which is why people loved you so much. You were the perfect balance of talent and performer, enthusiasm and technique.

Since you were always in the studio, assisting with editing and recording after your own promotions and such, you didn’t really have the time to attend shows even if you ended up winning. But your workload begun to slowdown since it was promotion season, meaning you had time to work on projects of your own and your own wellbeing.

You met up with your manager in their office regarding your next comeback. “Bang wants you to do a collaborative album. All the songs have features.”

“With more than one artist?”

“Just one. He’s suggesting Soobin, since he, quote: ‘notices their chemistry in the studio and how well their voices blend together’. He’s endorsing it since he knows your close friendship with each other as well.”

“Isn’t Soobin still on tour? He’s gonna be tired once he gets back.”

“After or during his days off, he’ll work with you.”

“I don’t wanna overwork him…”

“The boy will do anything for you, Y/N. But yeah, check up on him every once in a while.”

You ponder for a moment, silently agreeing. “Does he know?”

“I emailed his manager, so I’m assuming so. Could’ve been with anyone else under HYBE, but we listen to the man.” The man being Producer Bang. He wasn’t entirely wrong. You two worked extremely well together, Soobin somehow being able to tolerate your nitpicking, and you figured that working with someone you were already familiar with would make the process more enjoyable.

Your phone buzzed, revealing a notification from Soobin himself.

my manager said we’re collaborating???

i mean… do u want to?

isn’t this an idea we’ve been having for a while

okay i thought you were joking when you said that

this is a legitimate thing? not a prank

no its not a prank

lets do it by the time i step foot in korea i will be sprinting to your studio

u need to REST my guy ur literally on tour and travelling 24/7

i am holding onto the opportunity for the rest of this trip u better not be contacting anyone else

wasn’t planning to 👍

You showed your manager the brief conversation, hearing the clicking of their keyboard right after. “I suggest you start brainstorming. They want it published by the beginning of next year.” You can see there’s something more behind their expression that they aren’t telling you, but you don’t pry. “Are they suggesting a concept?”

“You haven’t done a sexy concept yet.”

“A sexy concept. With Soobin.” Your managed nods. “Are you not seeing the setbacks here? You’re setting me up, aren’t you?”

“Do something you haven’t done before! Step out of your comfort zone; I’ve heard your demos, Y/N. Don’t tell me they don’t give you the urge to make out with someone.”

“You are so unprofessional.”

“As unprofessional as you.”

“I’m not fit for sexy, Jung-Hwa. Have you seen me?”

“I’m seeing you right now. I see the potential if you just put yourself out there. Isn’t that what everyone’s into these days?”

“Only if it’s executed well.”

“And you don’t settle for less, so get to work. Work off your demos; edit them, compose, do whatever you need to. I know there’s a fire inside consisting of your desires that just hasn’t been lit yet.”

“You’re a madman but you just gave me an idea.”

“Don’t say I didn’t help you!” They yell as you leave the room.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Soobin listened to the edited demos you sent him over and over again. It was like an entire album of Tinnitus back to back, and God, it was so good. No wonder why you forced yourself to sit in during the recording for that song.

Y/NNN

soobinnn

ITS SO GOOD

IM ASCENDING

I CANT WAIT TO COME BACK AND RECORD THIS WITH YOU

what was the concept for this???

sexy

…

…what

dont kill me my manager told me to

y/n…

are you trying to make moves on me with ur music

cuz honestly thats the hottest fucking thing ever

what the fuck

im working off old demos i had

should i add more

were you horny while making these

these sound like actual songs you’d have sex to

you are the most unprofessional person i have ever met in my life

i am speaking to you as a friend

assuming i like u thru my music does not sound very friend like 🤨

i didnt wanna do the sexy concept either okay i am not suitable for the role

y/n ur hot and u make music that is the sexiest thing that a person could ever do

im collabing with someone else

is it because u saw me shirtless while doing tinnitus

did that get u into a mood and you started writing these songs

ur actually obsessed with me its insane

soobin are you drunk?

what

i have taehyun’s live up rn i can hear you in the background

ur music got me acting up

oh my god ur horny for me thats crazyyy

only for you

woah

lets calm down a little here

dont want u saying things ur gonna regret

im completely sober

i can see u looking at ur phone in disgust rn

is that what ur doing

yes

how tf did u know

i always know

you’re so predictable its honestly adorable

okay maybe you should get some rest

ur enjoying this i bet

i am tired and do not have enough energy to keep up with this

goodnight stupid

goodnight cutie

never call me that again

cutie

choi soobin go to sleep or im gonna do this album with someone else

u wouldnt

ill ask yeonjun

goodnight y/n

Soobin had to admit, you were cute. Scratch that, you were fucking sexy in his eyes.

Your maturity, your art, your precision, God, he was obsessed with you. He always jokes about it when talking to you, but the fact he does it so often sometimes makes you think that he does actually have some sort of attraction to you.

You didn’t mean to insinuate some sort of move on him during your songwriting, but he was making it really damn hard in making it seem like you were. This tour was really getting to him. He might be going a little insane.

He did have a point, though. All of your songs were a little… erotic. The way he was texting you was not helping.

He was driving you crazy. Flirting with you while you had no knowledge if he meant what he said at all. And the only time you could ever check in with him or he could check in with you was after his concerts, meaning he was exhausted and ready to hit the sheets when you were ready to talk business plans.

You envied those at his concerts. You planned to go to the one in Korea, but tickets were sold out and you ended up being busy that day anyways. Soobin wanted to see you there too. He wondered if you’ve seen those pictures of him showing his abs off to the audience. Given you spend so much time on the internet, you probably have.

One day of rest was enough for him already. Every night he went back to his hotel room he was always reminded that he had to record with you by the time they stopped back in Korea for their temporary break after the first part of their tour. Maybe it was the relaxing environment, or his earbuds, or the freshly made bed, but something always kept him eager for your collaboration.

He texted you every single night, as he usually did, jokingly flirting and saying how much better it would’ve been if you were there, or how you should’ve been a guest performer out of nowhere. But he always gushed about how much he loved your music before anything else.

The minute he stepped foot into the airport, he immediately thought of you, and how you’d execute the album’s production perfectly, in a way that both of you would be proud of. He just couldn’t wait to see you in the studio again.

y/nnie

hello soobin

i’ll be in the studio tomorrow

already? i just finished making the instrumentals LOL

ive been looking forward to this ever since i came back

you know how much i love doing these things with you

you made that sound way more dirty than it should’ve been

maybe you’re just dirty minded

do you want to record or not

i’ll be there at 10 sharp ma’am

He wasn’t lying. When you saw him seated outside the recording booth with an ice americano, you merely stood there and stared at him until he noticed. When he finally did, his eyes lit up and he nearly dropped his drink, jumping up from his seat to hug you.

“How was your tour?”

“It was really fun! Wish you’d been there for at least one of the dates. How did you manage to miss both of them?”

“Shut up, I’m busy.”

“Busy making demos for songs to have sex to?”

“You are so unprofessional. How do people love you so much?”

“Because I’m charming and very handsome.”

You scoff. “Yeah. Charming, for sure.”

“You’ll fall for my charms eventually, Y/N.”

“Just get in the booth.” You part ways as he obliges, meeting him separated by glass in the control room. “I’ve coloured your parts green and mine blue.”

“Why couldn’t I be blue?”

“Why does it matter to you? Should I play you the demo or have you listened to it 500 times already that I don’t need to?” Sarcasm drips off your tongue and pierces Soobin with your stare, waiting for his answer. “I got it, princess, don’t worry.”

You know he’s mocking you with that nickname. Then how come your heart fluttered at the sound of it?

God, you were lucky that you never called Yeonjun to replace him. You never wanted to in the first place. You knew he’d fit the concept having done it before, you just never thought he’d fit it that well. His voice blended so well and it fit the vibe you were going for. The hour long session passed by like minutes.

“Love it, love it, love it!” You cheer giddily with small claps. “I’ll go in now, switch with me.” You take your headphones off, leaving the control room. Soobin meets you outside the booth, his glance lasting longer than it should have.

Recording your parts took a few tries with the excuse of ‘messing up’ when you knew damn well you wouldn’t mess up your own song. You were too focused on Soobin’s voice that you forgot to come in at times; it was hypnotizing, siren like that it had you so distracted.

His stare was not helping.

“Again.” You groan.

“It sounded fine to me.”

“Everything sounds fine to you, Soobin.”

“I think you can trust my opinion. Play it back for her.” He tells the supervisor in the control room. That underlying nauseating feeling when you hear your own voice bites at you like a hawk, but it only lasts for a second as you tell yourself that listening to your voice is how you keep a roof over your head.

After the section finishes playing, you bite your finger, hating to agree that he was right. “So?” Soobin looks at you with an all-knowing stare, a sure smile on his face. “It’s good.” You mutter. “What was that, hon?”

“It’s good.” You sneer. “Now can we finish recording this? We’re almost done.” You hear Soobin chuckle in your hear but pay no mind to it, though you could feel your face heating up by the second.

You go back to the control room and listen over it, satisfied with the results and saving your work to come back to later.

“Y/N.”

“Hm?”

“Come eat with me.”

You tilt your head. “What’s with the sudden offer? Are you making moves on me?”

“Thought you might be hungry. You’ve been surviving on an iced caramel macchiato and a single triangle gimbap this entire day and I know you’re notorious for overworking yourself without any fuel.” Is this his way of saying he cares about you? “Aw, so you do care about me and aren’t just a horny fuck.”

“Compassion before the passion.”

“That was the worse attempt at poetry I’ve ever heard in my life, and I’ve heard a lot of things.”

Of course, the joke about him being horny wasn’t entirely true. He just seemed to be all over you and flirty so often that led you to make such an accusation against him. You’d get weird stares when you called him that in public or around other people, but it was a revolving inside joke between you two that both of you took pride in.

“I’ll go. Because yes, I’m starving, and two, I did not work hours on these demos just for me to fuck up what’s gonna be released to the public.”

“So it’s a date?”

“I’d rather get a black ocean than go on a date with you.” He stares at you, waiting for an answer as your stomach rumbles. “Okay, fine, call it whatever you want because I’m so fucking hungry right now so wherever you’re taking me better be good.” He smiles and continues walking.

“Y/N’s first date.”

“I’m calling Yeonjun.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

For the next few days of recording sessions, all goes well as it usually does, and Soobin takes you out on the occasional hang out right afterwards. You called them hang outs, he called them dates. Going out with no supervisors was obviously a big risk thing, but you weren’t kids. You knew how to handle yourselves and how to get out of certain situations.

“Are you sure you can really spend on me every single day? Seems like a lot.”

“We’re famous, honey, I think money’s the least of our concerns.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I know you like it.”

You roll your eyes, Soobin putting on his mask as fast as he took it off. You follow him, walking up to the counter nervously as he takes both your orders, and after bickering, putting it under your card instead.

“So what was going through your mind making those demos?” He suddenly asks as you two wait side by side for your order. “What do you mean?”

“Sexy thoughts make sexy songs.”

“I can’t believe you just said that out loud. Everyone is looking at us right now.”

“I’m still waiting for my answer.”

“They were old, okay? I think I started working on them after your second album but never finished.”

“But what were you thinking of?”

You hesitate, biting down on your lip and avoiding eye contact with him. You can feel him staring at you, and you knew he wouldn’t break easy. You take a deep breath, ready for what’s to come. “I was thinking of–“

“Order for Soobin!” The barista calls, setting down a fruit tea and a coffee down on the counter. Everyone’s eyes were on him this time, and eventually you, taking the cup from his hand. “Why didn’t you use an alias?”

“I forgot.”

“You’ve been ordering for me the entire week and your excuse is that ‘you forgot’? You used an alias name the last time and somehow you just magically–“

“Is it actually Soobin?”

“Soobin! Can we get a photo?”

“Soobin, I love you!”

“I wish you’d say that to me.” He suddenly whispers into your ear, smacking away his face. There’s a bunch of people crowded around both of you, the feeling of claustrophobia kicking in as Soobin continues to smile through his mask.

“Is that Y/N?” You’re surprised at the mention of your own name, not thinking you’d be recognized like usual. “Y/N! I love your music– could I get a photo with you?” The one girl moves from Soobin’s crowd to in front of you, with a genuine, pleading smile on her face.

This was the only time you’d agree. “Sure.” You nod. She takes out her phone, taking a quick selfie with you. For some reason, you seem to admire her respect for your personal space, though she doesn’t see it fully, she can see and feel your sincerity with your eyes squinted as you smile. “Thank you so much! I’m looking forward to your future work!”

Your heart melts as she walks away, the sudden reminder that you’re with Soobin coming back to you, seeing as he’s crowded by all those girls and more people lining up out the door. “Soobin, are you on a date?” Rhetorical questions begin to come from the fans as some of them laugh along. “I’m treating my friend. She’s been working hard, and she deserves it.”

“Can we go?” You mutter, tapping his arm. He looks down at you for a moment before looking back at the crowd. “If you could excuse us, we should get going now.” He announces, the people making way for both of you to leave freely.

Soobin’s hand rests on your back the whole way, guiding you out and simply acknowledging the respectful goodbyes of the patrons, none of them following you out and simply letting you go.

There were more people outside, leaving the side walk empty as you both walked by, Soobin sending them waves. He still kept his hand on your back the entire time.

There were more people outside, leaving the sidewalk empty as you both walked by, Soobin sending them waves. He still kept his hand on your back the entire time.

He never takes it off.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You looked a little overwhelmed.”

“How could you tell?”

“You were tense. Was it the crowd or was it my hand?”

“Both. Don’t you think this could get us into a scandal?”

“Media already knows we’re nothing more but close friends.”

“Well, the media likes to assume, too. They’ve been on our backs about it.”

“If we did get into a scandal, you wouldn’t mind it, would you?”

“A little bit.”

“Why?”

“We’re best friends, Soobin! Doesn’t it make you at least a little uncomfortable having people assume something they have no business being in?”

“It does. But you have to get used to it.”

“How did you do that?”

He pauses. “I didn’t. And I’ve never been in a situation where people do so yet. Until now. But those rumours have been existing for a while already. If anything, I’ll take the blame.”

“But your group. You’d jeopardize a lot! I should take the blame, less people know who I am.”

“That girl in there knew who you were. Besides, I’m the one that’s been asking you all week.”

“Soobin…”

“Y/N, I’d risk so much for you. We never talk all sappy like this since you always like to shut me down, but being your friend has helped me strengthen my values, even if all I do is go crazy about you.” He seems genuine, words true to his heart as you both stop outside your dorm. “I know you’re the type to worry about this stuff. Honestly, this’ll brush over before you know it. And if it doesn’t, just leave it to me.”

You’re suddenly wrapping your arms around him, taking a deep breath as you feel him hug you back. “Thank you. And I’m sorry if… I’ve been so pessimistic.”

“Honey, you were just being realistic. I completely understand that.”

You don’t know what else to say, simply resorting to a smile. “Goodnight, Soobin. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

You shut the door, dumping out the ice in your drink into the sink and throwing away the cup.

When you go to sleep that night, you think of a few things. That girl who took a photo with you. Her consideration and awareness. And the feeling of Soobin’s hand on your back.

You wished it was still there.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

You felt like reeling.

You were already in a spiral, contemplating if those pitter-patters in your heart was because you were having medical problems or if you truly had a thing for your friend. Guess which one you’d rather figure out.

He was handsome. You always knew he was handsome. No matter what colour they decided to dye his hair, or however they styled it, it always looked good, and you hated it.

You hated how your excuse for being so cold to him was because ‘his beauty was bothering you’. It was foolish, stupid— if he ever found out, he would never let you live it down. You could hear his teasing remarks already.

It didn’t help that his eyes were so focused on you during the recording of your solo song. You say him out of the corner of your eye, staring at you intensely with his head resting on his hand. And he smirked when your eyes met. He fucking smirked.

You almost messed up your best take because of it.

Since when have you been so distracted by him? You figured it was just best to sing with your eyes closed the entire time rather than risking getting even a glimpse of him. Even if you kept your eyes on the lyric sheet, you could always feel his eyes on you.

Yet you refused to accept the fact you were at least a little bit attracted to him.

“Good job, Y/N.” He’d say, and the heat would rush straight to your cheeks.

Your hands rest on your waist, contemplating the section you just finished recording. “What do you think?” You finally look straight at Soobin, who seems to be thinking as hard as you were. “Redo it. It doesn’t… sound as sad as it did in the demo.”

“Shit, what should I do? I don’t get so emotional very often and when I do I get too sad to function.”

“Imagine I just rejected you.” You look at him, rolling your eyes, the supervisor in there obviously very confused at the unexplained statement. The inside joke was prominent, and though you knew he was joking around, it worked.

You thought of what would happen if he ever denied your advances like you did to his. Ironic, but heartbreaking. You swore you actually felt it wrench in you.

When you look at him again, his face is molded into a pleasantly surprised, ‘I knew it would work’ expression. Listening back on it, you were proud of the final result and finished recording for the day. You partially gave credit to Soobin’s outrageous suggestion.

“It worked, didn’t it?” He meets up with you outside the studio. “Maybe I’m just such a great actor.” You jokingly reply, lighting nudging his arm with your shoulder. “If you could hear it from the control room, honey, you’d be impressed. That was true heartbreak.”

“And we’re doing your song tomorrow.”

“I’ll be thinking of you when I record it.”

He’s saying that because he knows how it sounds, the composition and the overall vibe that comes from it. He knows damn well that it’s nothing short of sexy, and it’s the one that he’s been ranting to you so much about how much he loves it and how it’s his favourite. It also happens to be the last song you’d be recording before editing and sending off.

“I don’t know whether to feel flattered or objectified.”

“Sweetie, Choi Soobin just said he’s gonna think of you when recording one of the most suave songs in his entire life. You know him well enough to know he isn’t a pervert.”

“You really aren’t…” You have to admit it to yourself. Despite his snarky, flirtatious responses, he’s never called you anything beyond hot, cute, or… sexy. He’s the only person that can joke around with you like that. If anyone else did it, you wouldn’t speak to anyone for the next few days.

Anyone but him.

Soobin was always there for you during your lows. Whether you have been objectified while at work or on set, you come home with a nauseating feeling in your stomach and an urge to tell him all about it, because you know that he would understand. He’d offer you support, he’d check up on you in between his breaks, sometimes he’d even put in the effort to visit and bring you something or even just give you a hug.

He was a knack for being a sweetheart during times like that.

Yet he still continues to make your heart flutter with those names. You know it and damn well he knows that you secretly don’t mind being called those things at all. What you’ve noticed is that you’re the only one that he calls those things. Maybe it’s because you’re close, and you’re probably one of his only female friends that he is close with, but something is telling you there’s more than the eye can see.

And you wanted to find out what that was.

“I think you should be flattered, nonetheless. You are all can think of when I listen to the song.” He responds. “Is it because I’m the one singing it?” You snarkily reply, thinking nothing of it. “I know what was going through your mind writing that, Y/N. You probably imagined making out with someone and just put that into a tune.”

You say nothing.

“Really?! Is that what you’ve been thinking of!?”

“Don’t judge me, I write what I feel! And sometimes I feel… very interesting things.”

“So dirty. But I don’t blame you. You should’ve heard the demo for Tinnitus.”

“I did hear the demo for Tinnitus and honestly I am so pissed off you guys made the lyrics so depressing. That’s literally the horniest song and you chose to write about being a rock.”

“Hey, maybe when we’re done with this album, I can record it with you.”

“And publish it?”

“If the man agrees. I’d need a little help with the english, but I know you’re good at it.”

“I’m good at everything, honey.” You say, mocking him. “I think I’m gonna have a heart attack from that alone.” He says, his hand resting on his chest. “You know I’m just acting, right?”

“You called me it either way.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Soobin had been nagging to take you out for bingsu the whole week. You always pushed it for after recording every single song, and now was finally the time. You figured it was best and only fair to treat him this way.

He entered with a pep in his step, looking at the menu above while you stared at him the whole time, noticing how innocent and gleeful his eyes were. He really was looking forward to this all week. “Y/N, what do you want?” You glare at him for using your real name since it was also your stage name, but the man at the register didn’t seem to react anyway, so you relax.

“I like injeolmi… but you can choose what you want.” And he orders just that, losing the argument over who would pay for it. At first, when you sat yourselves at a table, you were confused. “I thought you liked pat?”

“So sweet of you to remember. But you’ve been working hard for the past few weeks, and since I’ve been nagging you about this, I figured it’s only fair we get what you want.”

“But–“

“Y/N, I’m okay with anything. Seriously. Except mint chocolate. And we’re sharing.”

…

“What.”

“You can finish a small but not a large… so I thought this was a good idea. Were you not paying attention?”

Truth is you spaced out while looking at him.

“I spaced out.” You half-lie, breaking eye contact. He gets up from his chair, walking past the table after saying he had to use the bathroom. A group of girls walk in, the bell above the door ringing to notify their presence. They all crowd at the counter, another employee coming from behind.

“Order for Y/N?” Your head perks up at the mention of your name, slightly embarrassed he ended up using it, but you go to pick up the order, noticing one of the girls looking oddly familiar. You can’t help but look at her, head tilted, and she can’t help but look at you. “You’re…” You mutter.

“Am I really seeing you again? Am I dreaming?” She rapidly says under her breath, surprising that she managed to recognize you with the mask again.

“You’re the girl from the café.”

“You remember me?” She’s equally as shocked. “I think you’re one of the few people that’s come up to me to ask me for a photo, so yes, I do remember you.” She smiles and squeals as softly as she can, realizing her group of friends saved a table for them and grabbed an extra chair for her. “Are you with…” You find it funny you both know who she’s talking about.

“I am. He’s in the bathroom.”

“I saw him through the window when we were coming here. It was nice seeing you again!”

“You too.” You reply as she walks off to join her friends. You go back to your table, placing the tray down and seeing Soobin go back to his seat. “I saw you talking with that girl. Wasn’t she the one who–“

“Yes, she’s the one that asked me for the photo. Honestly a coincidence. She’s really nice.”

“You think they’ll recognize me if I take off my mask?”

“Definitely.”

He does just that, while you do the same, taking one of the spoons. You check your phone quickly after feeling it buzz in your pocket, looking up to see a spoonful of bingsu facing you and being held by Soobin.

“What are you doing?” You know what he’s doing.

“I’m not moving until you eat.”

You roll your eyes and accept his attempt at spoon feeding you, just so he wouldn’t have to stay in the awkward position the entire time.

You’re sure those girls are looking over at you, because you can barely hear their squeals at the sight. One of them was scolding the group, as you could barely make out what she was saying, hearing their excited greetings right after.

Soobin turns to wave and say hello before his attention is back on you. “That girl didn’t want them taking pictures. The one who knows who you are.”

“You’re starting to like her, aren’t you?”

“Maybe we should hire her as our bodyguard.”

“Open.”

You mimic his action from earlier, holding a spoonful towards him. He simply smirks before accepting your offer with no retort or reply, the expression on his face enough to tell you what he was thinking.

“The real Y/N wouldn’t feed me at all. Who are you?”

“The Y/N that’s… doing her best to resist the urge to cuss you out right now.”

“Why’d you do it?”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s very out of character for you.”

‘Because I think I may or may not have a thing for you.’

“Let me be nice for once, okay? Otherwise I’m gonna throw this in your face.”

“There she is. I thought I lost you.”

You chuckle. “You like it when I’m mean?”

“Being mean is the only side I ever get out of you.”

“That’s because you flirt with me. I’m nice otherwise, and you know that.”

“You aren’t wrong. Y/N, what will it take for you to fall victim to my charms?”

“You’re weird.” I think I already have.

“Answer the question.”

You ponder for a moment, Soobin’s hard gaze almost stopping you from thinking straight. “If you can fufill my wildest fantasies, maybe I will.”

“And does wild mean… intimate, perhaps?”

“You’re so loud! At least be cautious when you know what you’re talking about…”

“Is that a yes?”

You don’t respond, beginning to finish off the bingsu in front of you. “I’ll ask Jung-Hwa, then.” You scoff. “Good luck trying to get anything out of her.”

“I’ll just have to guess.”

Soobin couldn’t deny it. You were so extremely astonishing and he was starting to have a thing for you too.

Thinking your friend is hot is one thing. It could just be admiring how they manage to be so perfect all the time and nothing beyond it. Thinking your friend is hot and being attracted to them is another.

How was he gonna be nice enough for you to actually take his compliments seriously? If he tried, you wouldn’t believe him. He’s flirted with you enough that you had a valid reason to refuse that he actually meant anything he was saying.

So while you giddily continued eating, stealing all the rice cakes off the shaved ice, he tried his best to hide the blush that was slowly rising onto his face, the dessert in front of him doing nothing to cool him down.

“Ready to go?” You ask, snapping him out of his own thoughts. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

His eyes are on you, moving up and down your body attentively, but sly enough for others to not notice. But you just had to notice.

You notice everything.

“Choi Soobin, what were you just looking at?”

“You.”

“Did I have something on my face? Or were you looking at something you shouldn’t have?”

“You are so astonishingly attractive, honey, I’m sorry that I can’t help myself.”

“Put your mask on. There’s already a group of people following us.” He turns around, only to see nobody there. “Made you look.”

“Is this your way of getting out of sweet talk?”

“What else am I supposed to say? ‘Thank you’, ‘you too’?”

“I’d love to hear that second option.”

“In your dreams.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

You spent almost all your time in the studio for the next few days, most of the times getting out to use the bathroom or pick up a drink from the 19th floor. But it was your day to add any instruments, beats, and overall touch ups.

You were kept sane by conversations during breaks with Soobin and your manager. Mostly Soobin, since he was notorious for staying up later than his bandmates and always replying to you the minute you send a text. He checked up on you, asked if you needed anything, even if it was well past working hours and he needed to be asleep.

There’s a knock on the door while you’re just about to finish for the day. You get up to answer, greeted by a smiling Soobin holding a box in a plastic bag. “Can I come in?” You sigh with a smile, too mentally tired to argue and let him in, closing the door behind him.

He claims the chair beside yours, placing the bag down and taking the box out of it. This time your food was being delivered in person. “How’s it going so far?”

“Almost done for the day. I’m quite literally on the last song nearing the last second and I’ve had every single track on repeat that I might get sick of it.”

“You say that for every track you produce and you end up loving it.”

You stretch and feel as though your entire body has been resurrected again, making you question how bad your posture was and how long you were sitting for. You turned around to see Soobin standing in front of you. “So… I just remembered you haven’t answered my question I asked a week ago.”

“How do you still– nevermind.”

“What were you thinking of when you were working on the tracks? The concept? Honey, I’ve seen your texts to your manager over your shoulder and it makes me wonder what led you to approve of such explicit designs?”

At first, you don’t remember him asking the question at all. Then it hits you like a ton of bricks. The answer he never got was an answer not permitted to be shared with him. He’d never let you live it down.

“I imagined making out with someone for that one song. Don’t you remember me saying that?”

“Oh, honey, I remember that very well. But I know there’s something more behind that you aren’t telling me. And as your collaborative artist and very, very good friend… I feel I should deserve to know.”

He inched closer to you, leaning in with that sweet but mischievous smile he always had on whenever he was around you. “You wanna know what I was thinking of?” You retort, immediately getting embarrassed and hiding your face in your shoulder.

“I was thinking of you…”

He leans in closer, his hand cupping his ear. “What was that?”

“I was thinking of you.” This time you face him, watching that stupid smirk you hated seeing grow right in front of you. “Me?”

“You and your concept photos, how good you looked in them… how you’d look when recording them, when we recorded Tinnitus…”

“You were thinking of my abs?”

“Yes, I was thinking of your abs, okay, you got your answer for the sake of my own dignity.”

“Wow, Y/N, I am honoured to be so inspiring and being able to fufill your erotic fantasies in order for you to create the hottest album of all time.”

“If you say a word of this to anyone, I’m never producing for your group ever again.”

“I think it’s funny how you’re obsessed with me as much as I am obsessed with you.”

“What?”

“You’re beautiful, honey. You are so incredibly talented with a knack for everything and you manage to look fucking breathtaking while doing so. If you could see what I’m seeing right now, my God. You are so alluring, Y/N.”

You stay silent as he comes closer, eye contact not breaking and tension hot and heavy. “You really mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“That. And every single time you’ve flirted with me.”

“I meant every single word I’ve said to you. I always have. The question is… do you mean every insult you call me? Every threat you send my way?” Your face goes warm, and he can see you blush, but your expression doesn’t change at all. He walks towards you, making you stop at the edge of the table as he continues to move closer. “No.”

“Did you imagine me being this close to you for your music?”

“Maybe.”

“I just poured my heart out for you, Y/N, you can just tell me the truth.” He smiles, hands on either side of you gripping the table, trapping you. “I did.”

“And what else did you imagine? What other dirty fantasies have been going through your head that caused you to produce such amorous melodies?”

You feel your ego climb through the roof. “I imagined what it would feel like to kiss you.”

“There you go, telling the truth for me. Now, I’ve made this fantasy of being so close to you a reality… why not make that other one come true?”

At this point, you’ve lost your patience.

You hold both sides of his head, pulling him in to kiss you messily. It’s sloppy at first, given your aggressive approach, but the minute his hands rest on your waist, everything else doesn’t matter. You just needed to have his lips on yours because God knows how desperate you have gotten ever since you’ve been in the studio, away from him.

It felt empty, lonely, uneasy when he wasn’t there. Maybe you just spent so much time with him that it felt unusual to be alone. And you preferred being alone, so why did it matter so much? That Soobin wasn’t there?

But that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he was kissing you so passionately, you felt his hands slowly move down to rest over your ass as he began to kiss you deeper, his tongue somehow slipping into your mouth without you noticing.

His lips were as soft as you saw them on the screen, his efforts to kiss you aggressive and contrasting. They were so pink when you pulled away, glistening with a mix of your spit. You messed up his hair and he messed up yours, but he still managed to look so good. “I’m so in love with you.” He whispers before he kisses you again, this time softer and more gently than before.

The post makeout haze is silent, slightly awkward, but fulfilling. At this point you two are merely staring at each other, breaking eye contact at times but finding you just couldn’t help but bring your gaze back to him.

“I don’t know if we can do this. Us, I mean.” You say.

“I know. But I want to.”

“How long? How long have you liked me like this?”

“When we went out for food after the Blue Hour promotions were over and Yeonjun invited you.”

“Jesus, that’s… a long time.”

“Do you like me the way I like you, Y/N? ‘Cause honestly, it’d be a little embarrassing if I just said it to your face only to find out you don’t see me the same way.”

“I literally just made out with you for five minutes straight and admitted to thinking of your six-pack while making this album.”

“…So you do?”

“Yes, I do. I really like you. A lot. And… I’m sorry for all the times I’ve friendzoned you.”

“You do what you gotta do in this industry. I don’t blame you. But… I really want to be your boyfriend.”

“And I wanna be your girlfriend.”

You both sit in silence for a moment as Soobin turns his chair to fully face you. “So what will we do?” You ask, breaking the ice that was beginning to freeze again. “I’ll take you on a date. After this and before our photoshoots.”

“And our company?”

Soobin ponders. “I’ll do my best to refrain from kissing you in public.”

“You’d fail immediately.”

“I would. That’s why I said I’ll try.”

Your eyes dart to the box left unattended and forgotten. “What is that, anyways?” You look at the box behind him, Soobin turning to open it and revealing fried chicken, boneless and split into two flavours. His sentimentality makes you chuckle, and how he remembered exactly what you liked.

You go to grab a piece from the box, but he pulls it away before you can even touch it.

“Give me a kiss first.”

You stare at him, not taking him seriously. “If I can’t kiss you in public, at least let me kiss you when we’re alone. Please?” You smile at his pleading, giving him what he wants just so you could start eating.

“I think the security cameras caught enough intimacy for tonight.” You say, stealing a piece of yangnyeom from the box.

“So much for trying to not kiss you in public, then.”

“We tried. Now eat, or I’ll finish it myself.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

He tried. He really did try not to kiss you anywhere in the public eye.

But you always looked so damn good that he wanted to pull you aside and kiss you just to show the public out of spite. And after many, many long months of you ignoring him in public, you decided to change something when you went on tour.

Though you rejected his advances in the open, you two had hefty make out sessions in private to make up for it.

Your North American tour would start in Canada and end in the U.S., the last city on your list being Los Angeles, where you’d become one of the many artists that performed there.

You’ve been on smaller tours in the region of Asia. Anywhere beyond that was new to you. Soobin had to show you the ropes. Along with being one sweet piece of eye candy on stage, he was also really helpful and surprisingly didn’t tease you so much whenever you asked for something.

Your company knew. Your staff knew. But no one outside knew that you and Soobin were in a relationship. It wasn’t unusual for a makeup artist to walk in on you giving him a kiss on the cheek or for stylists to witness him peppering kisses along your neck.

Venue staff didn’t seem to care either.

Being able to be intimate while rehearsing is the closest you’ve ever gotten to revealing your relationship status to the general public. But in this sense, it was more comfortable. More comfortable that it ever would be if netizens found out. You didn’t let that distract you.

You had one goal: to leave an impact through your performances.

It honestly surprised you how much you were globally renowned. A lot, but not all of your venues were sold out, and seeing them all seated there was a rush of adrenaline you’ve never felt before. Unlike Soobin, this was all new to you. And you loved it.

You loved that you were loved by many overseas, and that they recognized you for your production skills and professionalism alongside your energy when performing. It was like a whole stage play, the way your concert played out.

You had a little surprise for the California crowd.

Surprise as in, Soobin didn’t know about it, the staff didn’t know about it, nobody. Okay, maybe the staff did know because you were scared you were gonna get in trouble if you didn’t tell them beforehand. You didn’t do this for any other city, and you didn’t rehearse it. This was gonna be spontaneous. Usually you stuck to a plan, but sometimes you can squeeze a little something extra within, can’t you?

At the end of the last song of the night, you were put into a particular pose with Soobin where his face was in close proximity with yours. And you finally gave into the urge.

On the large, lit up stage, surrounded by thousands of people, you kissed him. It showed on the screens behind you, and you swore you could hear screams even with the in-ear monitor.

As the light turned off and only displayed your silhouettes, you rest your forehead against his.

“I love you, Soobin.”

He’s obviously very surprised, but plays along with it.

“I love you too, Y/N.”

And somehow the screams get even louder.

It was probably your favourite concert of the entire tour. You revealed what felt like a part of your world to the public. It felt… freeing.

Your phone buzzed against your nightstand, putting it on silent mode as Soobin joins you in the hotel bed.

“Hi.” He smiles tiredly.

“Hi.” You return, moving closer to him.

“I didn’t know you were gonna do that tonight.”

“I did. I liked it. Did you?”

“Oh, I loved it. Never thought you could be such a troublemaker.”

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

“Oh? That is?”

“…I don’t like injeolmi bingsu that much.”

He gasps. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Ah, you really changed.”

“I am always changing, Soobin. It’s a matter of growth.”

“Then, when we go back to Korea, we’ll get pat bingsu. As a celebratory gift.”

“For what?”

“For working your ass off on this album and tour, Y/N. I’m so unbelievably proud of you and all that you’ve done to get this approved and popular.”

“You’re gonna make me fall in love again.”

“I certainly wouldn’t mind that.”

kiss, far from reason, throw it all. i wanna kiss your lips. 🎧

[xjulixred45x]

Mírame antes: Awww, que dulce canción de fan.

Mirame ahora que Vivzie la hizo canon: ¡Ay, mi corazón!

¡Resumidamente si! Aunque Stolas es un personaje que sinceramente veo como moralmente MUY gris en la actualidad, dedicado Paranoid DJ se LUCIO con Look My Way, el cantante que suena muy similar al de Stolas, las ilustraciones, los cambios sutiles en la música. Cómo una estudiante de artística que apestaba en edición y Audiovisuales, ese hombre es una inspiración.

Aparte, lo que más me gusta de la versión original es que justamente muestra esa dualidad del personaje, si, habla sobre Octavia y trata de acercarse a Blitz, pero aún así le habla por debajo refiriendose a él como un JUGUETE(algo que realmente hizo en varias ocasiones del Show). Es una canción de Fan que aparte es CONGRUENTE con el personaje.

Y tengo sentimientos mixtos con la Versión de Vivziepop.

Dejando de lado el tema con los créditos(esta mujer tiene un problema), es un vídeo HERMOSO VISUALMENTE, como toda la serie. La animación está genial, como usan la estética de Stolas para hacer el Vídeo, la alegoría de La Luna y la Tierra, es muy bonito.

Pero se siente fuera de lugar porque ponen a Stolas como la VICTIMA. Cuando es EL quien debe disculparse con Blitz.

¡No solo por lo de Ozzie's! Sino también por haberlo visto bajo una luz de plebeyo durante toda la serie hasta que se sintió lo suficientemente solo como para ir tras Blitz completamente. Pedirle perdón por haberlo arrastrado a un ARREGLO SEXUAL DE DUDOSA PROCEDENCIA y en general ser un gran IMBECIL.

Y ya se! Ya se que Stolas también la tuvo difícil (tengo la edad de este hombre cuando tuvo a su hija☠️), probablemente gran parte de sus actitudes nocivas fueron aprendidas de Paimon (como vimos en Circus), junto con tener que lidiar con un ambiente extremadamente tóxico, PERO ESO ES UNA EXPLICACIÓN, NO UNA JUSTIFICACION.

Ahhhh perdón perdón perdón, me fui por las ramas, de seguro solo querías un comentario pequeño de la canción, es que estoy con demaciado sueño y energía al mismo tiempo. Gracias por la pregunta❣️

____

Look my Way before: Awww, what a sweet fan song.

Look mt Way now that Vivzie made her canon: Oh my heart!

In short yes! Although Stolas is a character that I honestly see as morally VERY gray nowadays, dedicated Paranoid DJ STUNned with Look My Way, the singer who sounds very similar to Stolas, the illustrations, the subtle changes in the music. As an art student who sucked at editing and Audiovisuals, that man is an inspiration.

Besides, what I like most about the original version is that it precisely shows that duality of the character, yes, he talks about Octavia and tries to get closer to Blitz, but he still talks down to him, referring to him as a TOY (something he really did on several occasions during the Show). It is a Fan song that is CONGRUENT with the character.

And I have mixed feelings about the Vivziepop Version.

Leaving aside the issue with the credits (this woman has a problem), it is a VISUALLY BEAUTIFUL video, like the entire series. The animation is great, how they use Stolas' aesthetics to make the Video, the allegory of The Moon and the Earth romance, is very beautiful.

But it feels out of place because they put Stolas as the VICTIM. When HE is the one who must apologize to Blitz.

Not just because of Ozzie's! But also for seeing him in a commoner light throughout the series until he felt alone enough to go after Blitz completely. Ask him for forgiveness for dragging him into a SEXUAL ARRANGEMENT OF DUDOBIOUS ORIGIN and in general for being a big JERK.

And I know! I know Stolas had it tough too (I'm the same age as this man when he had his daughter☠️), probably a lot of his harmful attitudes were learned from Paimon (as we saw in Circus), along with having to deal with an extremely toxic environment, BUT THAT IS AN EXPLANATION, NOT A JUSTIFICATION.

Ahhhh sorry sorry sorry, I went off on a limb, I'm sure you just wanted a small comment on the song, it's just that I'm too sleepy and energetic at the same time. Thanks for the question❣️

[thekatea]

Till the End of the Moon

Watched: 09.05.2023

Top level of entertainment. Can’t say the same about the quality of writing.

I want to start by saying - I did enjoy the show a lot, almost till the end. I watched the episodes as soon as they dropped. That said, I’m not gonna pretend like it’s some writing masterpiece - it’s not. It often hits the “teen’s first fanfic” level. Did I mind? Not really. I went into it for the Dear Daddy Devil and Bai Lu’s acting, and these two aspects were easily 10/10.

What did the drama do great? Tantai Jin’s arc. The questions of predestined path, freedom and choice, the importance of having the supportive community and people that trust and love. How much of where we end is on us, and how much can be explained by how others treat us? At which point we should take responsibility? Is revenge and justice the same? What’s more important - trust or perceived truth? Surprisingly a lot of depth in his story. Sadly, the writers had some issues with keeping Tantai Jin's wits and cunning nature and also progressing the plot - which led to quite a few moments when his brain must have been turned off to make such dumb choices.

Luo Yun Xi in the role? Pure perfection. The emo angst fits him so well, I was in awe. Whatever you ask from him - he will deliver it and more, in the most beautiful and heartbreaking way. I never knew an actor who presents suffering in such a stunning way.

Then we have Li Su Su played by Bai Lu. What a performance. She did great as a more idealistic and naive Su Su, desperate and driven Xi Wu, and the duality of Sang Jiu. Each character/persona was easily distinguishable with the portrayal. The angst and pain Bai Lu can deliver - be it extreme or subtle - was just phenomenal and truly breaking one’s heart. I don’t think the character herself has much to offer though. Any weaker performance than the perfection Bai Lu presented, would make Li Su Su either boring or insufferable. I just feel bad for the girl, because the writers obviously did not give a fuck about this character… She was this great thanks to the actress and the chemistry she had with Luo Yun Xi.

And that chemistry should be illegal. How can such a questionable and build on a toxic fundamentals relationship still seem so amazing, beautiful and perfect? Love, hate, hope, trust, doubt, protection, resentment, fear - what a mix of conflicting emotions and motivations. And that complexity was what made this duo so entertaining and such a blast to watch.

Beside the main characters, I want to give big props to Chen Du Ling who played Ye Bing Chang. How much I hated this character, how much I loved the performance. It’s also impossible not to appreciate Pian Ran - stunning arc as a side plot, amazing conclusion fitting the plot, great performance by Sun Zhen Ni.

Talking about the characters, it’s time to talk about the biggest sin this show and the writer committed - they made everyone so dumb, I did not even care who will win and who will lose, because I did not see a bright future no matter which side gets the victory.

So many things did not make any sense, but you cannot really call them plot holes, because they kind of had an explanation - lack of working brain cells. At first I found it amusing, but at some point it just frustrated me on a whole new level. You don’t know how to write a proper conflict and the origin of it, so you just make your character dumb for a few scenes to set it up.

That also led to repetitive scenes and arcs - just rewriting the same moments we have seen a few episodes ago, with small changes here and there. Refusing to give your characters’ proper character development can only lead to them making the same mistakes over and over and over again. This is one man show, and all the other characters are just a background for his story.

I have to say though, I’m quite impressed with the directing and editing taking into consideration how much of the plot and scenes had to be cut down to fit the 40 episodes format. Yes, there were many moments that the pacing seemed like a car chase, but the overall story was still relatively easy to follow and understand. On the other hand, the make-up artists need to change their careers, because the thing these actors had on their faces should be illegal to present to the public. Loved the costumes, liked the set and magical objects designs. Loved how they Sailor Moon changed their clothes when they reached new powers.

The soundtrack had some good moments, but there were also “oops” bits like them playing a pop royalty free facebook ads like music in the background in the last episode.

Overall, I had a lot of fun, later I had less fun, by the end I had a lot of fun ranting. One could say it’s a full on personal journey I had with this drama, and they would not be wrong.

[aks-of-the-weak]

Incipit: My stupid fucking game doesn't work. These two stupid functions have like 450 lines together and the whole thing is like half a dozen for() loops all nested into each other nested into a while() loop. I tested it thoroughly. I thought i was done with it and put a nice bow and wrapping on it and sent it in the mail. Now i find that the recipient was always destined to be and that this gift is not a beautiful craft of art, but an abyss which beckons for my gaze just as it also beckons to gaze back. And i will gaze. But not today. Today is a day for coping. Today i will chain lose seven games of League of Legends, but sandwiched between those i will attempt a brand new coping method, #homestuck OC improv writing. Let's goooooooo.

3rd Post: Gemoloron, The Sign of the Potent. No, i'm not going to use That meaning of the word… i hope?

Constellation: Oh man, what could this one be? Maybe this bit represents eyes, but then what has ma— Biblically accurate angels. C'mon, I know it's a biblically accurate angel, you know it's a biblically accurate angel, even the homestuck redditors knew it was a biblically accurate angel. This brings up at least one question, is the Troll Bible a thing? The answer to that question is basically irrelevant, so i won't ponder it any further. I actually already know where i want to go for those first two paragraphs because i thought of it while writing the intro. You know what else has many eyes? That's right, Flies, and maybe dragonflies, and maybe basically half of all other bugs, but that includes Flies. A Fly's two eyes are actually compound eyes which contain thousands of individual lenses inside. There's probably a connection to make with Belzebub who's sometimes also an angel, but i don't really wanna. Point is, Rage being the aspect of Chaos and Goldies being the caste for duality makes them a match made in heaven (heh). The nature of this sign is all about contradiction, being both Gracious Holy Angel and Gross Disgusting Fly. This is a design i want to communicate in both the constellation and the lusus while emphasizing the eyes, so here's what i'm thinking about (see picture below) (i fucking hate insects, why did i pick this, i don't want to be editing a picture of one for many minutes) (Holy fuck, the GIMP perspective tool is awesome. Why have i never used that before??). Ok, so, facts first, this image is awful. It also kind of fucks (heh). A fly with human eyes, yet another mystical symbol. I really thought mystical symbol constellations weren't going to be a dime a dozen back when i was on the first post, yet here we are. As stated before it symbolizes Contradiction and Contrasts, but primarily between the Ugly and the Beautiful.

Lusus: Aight, i actually image edited the lusus too this time around. Gods, brace yourself because this one is also genuinely awful, no "it fucks" involved. (see picture below). This time instead of being a fly with angel (human) eyes it's an angel with Fly eyes. It reverses, because contradictions, contrasts. This guy is actually stupid as fuck, like fly-level intelligence. When the character is introduce we quickly notice that all their window are broken. Then, a bit later we hear a sound of broken glass from out of frame and the next panel pans out with this jackass with his head through a window trying to crawl out of it. Right next to him is a wide open door. He's at no risk of harming himself on the sharp glass tho, he's actually ~3m tall with physical strength enough to rival the Spidermom, but he's so stupid he can't use a weapon or even punch or kick. The only way he ever attacks is by flying at extreme speed and crashing his body into shit. Our character can't invite anyone to their home because this dude is too stupid to understand the concept of a "friend" and will just ram any and all that gets close to the house, killing it instantly. He's not vicious or anything, tho. When something aproaches he'll stand visibly and menacingly in the sky, meaning he mostly only ever murders wild animals too dumb to understand that warning. Finally, the only thing it ever does other than murder shit in the stupidest way possible and break windows trying to get in and out of the house is clean. Because flies do that. Any sign of dirt, dust or glass shard he sees gets broomed right out of the house. Because apparently he's smart enough to use his limbs for that. Ok dude.

Physicality: You might have noticed this lusus has a single clipped wing which i haven't mentioned. This is because i just added it, right now, after the lusus paragraph is done. Why? To establish numerology, of course. I have a last name to start this character with. Beluth. The name is a deformation of Belzebuth, another name of Beelzebub, but also alludes to the last symbolic element of the character which i will get to shortly. Beluth is, like many gold bloods, a powerful psion. Unlike most goldbloods, Beluth's powers are particularly stunted in the range department, allowing her to levitate objects no further than her arms' reach, which are fortunately rather long. She uses this power effectively through their kind abstratus, 5xRevlvrkind, by levitating each revolver simultaneously. Each revolver having, of course, 5 chambers per cylinder. For physical appearance, the eyes are pretty important so i'll start with that. Remember Die from The Felt? Remember that guy? Remember how he always has that look as if you just caught him doing something unspeakable at 3am. Essentially, that's Beluth's resting face, but she's self-conscious about it so she's grown out long bangs that covers her face. Beluth is a great fan of alternian "Western" movies (troll cowboy movies) and so dresses herself in a cowboy jacket, a large cowboy hat further obscuring her face and 6 revolver holsters stacked on top of each other. The middle left holster is always empty. Her body shape is very lanky, tall and thin, which gives her an intimidating/badass look when her face is covered and inversely furthers the crazed kinda bozo look when it's unveiled.

Personality: Finally to tie it all together. Rage is the aspect of Truth, Chaos and the Incomprehensible. The human-eyed fly is a constellation that symbolizes the contrast between the ugly and the beautiful. Gemolorn is titled the Sign of the Potent. That third element i feel isn't as important to be smoothly integrated so i'm writing it off as done from the generally high power level of the character and her lusus. The second is integrated from the previous paragraph, though subverted. "Ugly" has been replaced by "Gaunt, kinda bizarro look", Beluth's inner appearance, and "Beautiful" by "Cool badass cowboy look", the outer appearance which she has crafted for herself. The obvious arc from here is a "learn to let down the mask and accept yourself for who you are" narrative, but imo that fucking sucks right now. This style is something Beluth has made for herself, something that reflects her hobby and something that's partly fed from her inner appearance itself. So rather, as the story progresses, Beluth progressively goes from a fangirl simply mimicking cowboys to actually becoming one. she loses the hat, the jacket, even the bangs, yet she's still out there ridin' through the wasteland catchin' outlaws. "Quickest barrels this side o' the empire. She be shootin' so fast, even 'er shadow's surprised", says an old grizzled ranger drinking his whisky from the corner of a saloon. Get it? The crazed look itself becomes part of her mythos. You are the cowboy Beluth. it's you. I think that's pretty good over all. Her gunslinging style comprises particularly bouncy bullets that bounce all over creating an incomprehensible/chaotic barrage. It think that, plus everything before which kind of relates to finding an inner deeper Truth is enough to relate her to her aspect.

Excipit: I liked this character a lot. I hated the making of this post a lot. i meant for this series to be quick writing exercises for when i have a few hours to kill, but it turned out to be day-long endeavors, partly because of my chronic inefficiency at basically everything. i actually wrote the first and second half of it with a 1 and a half week gap between the two. Plus now i have to see it through because i thought of a decent way to recycle the signs and the ideas for the constellations for one of my games. Also, originally i meant for most of these characters to be ungendered because gender isn't usually relevant to the kind of characters i write. But that makes it marginally more of a pain to write so i'll just use whatever pronouns i hc them as. also i didn't use that meaning of the word. Congrats present me from past me.

[iwitch-plus]

Getting to know my decks, Part 2. Casanova Tarot Edition!

I have to admit, for someone who isn't well versed in tarot, these cards are a little hard to interpret and their little handbook isn't extremely helpful. If i did a full reading with these, I'd probably have to do outer research on certain things in the cards and not just look to the book that comes with it. This deck seems to be very physical, love, and sex focused so I don't know how often I'll use this for everyday readings. It could be something to do with a partner rather than alone, but anyways lets get right into it.

I cleansed my deck first with incense smoke that was already burning, talked to it a little, told it I was interested in it but unsure about our relationship. Then I took a look at all the cards, mostly very muted in color. Some had a color that stood out more, some didn't have anything at all. Numerology wise, pretty much the same. Aside from the number on the card itself, there aren't a lot of background details to look to for numbers. That made it a little more difficult for me because I like to read based off of the art, but maybe this deck will challenge me to not be so literal in my readings.

In the interview, I'll include the card that was pulled, a number to go along with it, and if there was a corresponding color I'll include that, too. I put key words that relate to the numbers/colors/the actual card itself, and then I go on into my interpretations of those.

Here We Go!

Please introduce yourself

10 of Chalices: 10 - Red

Key words: Completion, reflection, external appearances, refers to the game of love, harmony, perfection, union, positive outcome, passion, love, sex, danger.

My interpretation: I think the deck is being somewhat self-centered here, maybe playing a little game of its own. It tells me that it literally does refer to the "game" of love, and it seems to also tell me it loves itself, thinks its perfect, passionate, and beautiful. But just as love, there is also a dangerous side to it. I think I should be careful when referring to this deck for love based readings. While I believe it could allow for some guidance, I have to also remember that when it comes to love I am not the only one involved.

2. What are your strengths?

2 of Chalices: 2 - Yellow

Key words: Duality, balance, opposing forces, passion, the couple, celebration, a toast, positivity, optimism, warmth, growth, unity, partnership, sex

My interpretation: Chalices, being in reference to the game of love again. I think it's telling me that its strengths come with love and sex. That's what leads me to think maybe this would be a good deck to read WITH a partner about our love life or sex life. It can be a voice of reason between lovers, can help you understand yourself and your lover more, and can bring the 2 of you closer in a positive and unified way.

3. What are your limitations?

Wheel of Fortune: 10 - 6

Key words: Completion, endings, reflection, cycles, seasons, cycle of events, going in a circle, passing of time, loss of direction, fairness, values, solution.

My interpretation: I think the deck is trying to tell me is that it's quite literally limited in what it is, which is a love and sex deck. At least, for me personally. It has a cycle, it knows what it is and what its value to me needs to be. I may not need to use it very often because if I do, I could potentially end up lost or more confused than I was before. The deck must be used for very specific love, sex, and relationship type readings. I can respect that.

4. What can I learn from you?

Knave of Chalices: 2 - Yellow

Key words: Duality, balance, opposing forces, positivity, optimism, warmth, growth, sincere lover, entirety, destiny, mystery, mental ability. The man depicted is noted as not wearing a mask. He is also standing by the water.

My interpretation: This makes perfect sense to me for a deck dedicated to love. It's telling me that I can learn more balance in my relationship, how to be a more sincere partner, how to not wear an emotional mask all the time and how to allow myself to be more emotional, hence the water depicted in the card. How to love myself and my partner in our entirety and how to strengthen my mental ability to be a good partner. Very straight-forward.

5. What is the best way to work with you?

7 of Pentacles: 7

Key words: Change, evaluation, patience, boredom, habit, lack of harmonious communication, insensitivity, inability to be/come enthusiastic, perseverance.

My interpretation: I think the deck is telling me the best time to work with it rather than the best way. The way I see this, it's telling me to work with it when a change in my relationship happens, when I feel myself feeling locked in the same habits with my partner, when we lack communication, when I don't understand something about my partner, or when I feel like things have become stagnant or hit a bump in my love life. So far, there have only been maybe a handful of times that I can think of when this deck may have been useful, if that's the purpose it wants me to use it for, but I can see that being very useful in the future if ever needed, now that I know.

6. What is the outcome of our relationship?

The Emperor: 4 - Purple

Key words: Stability, foundation, prophecy, dreams, high power, royalty, luxury, fecundation, masculine strength, administration, powerful protection, symbol of power, control

My interpretation: The deck is sort of telling me that I'll become like it, in a sense lol. I'll gain more confidence in what/who I am. I'll become into my strength when it comes to love and relationships, I'll be confident and start to treat myself like a queen and expect my lovers to do so as well, I'll gain my own power back. But I'll also gain stability and better foundation in my love life, and more fertility in a sense that I'll be able to better grow myself and my partner with the help of this deck.

Very insightful reading. Like I said before, sort of hard to interpret as someone who doesn't really do a lot of tarot readings but this was fun nonetheless. My suspicions about this deck seemed to have been correct. I don't know how often I'll use this deck, but maybe the first time I do use it will have to be with my partner.

[jcmarchi]

Exploring Man's Duality In RoboCop: Rogue City And Jusant | GI Show

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Exploring Man's Duality In RoboCop: Rogue City And Jusant | GI Show

In this week’s episode of The Game Informer Show, the crew explores two extremes: RoboCop: Rogue City — which is somehow the best RoboCop game — and Jusant, the meditative rock-climbing adventure that’s developer Don’t Nod’s best work since the original Life Is Strange. Later in the show, Kyle pantomimes WarioWare: Move It’s energetic mechanics before Alex dives into his most recent session of The Finals, which is currently the number one wishlisted game on Steam.

Watch Our Weekly Gaming Podcast:

[embedded content]

Follow us on social media: Alex Van Aken (@itsVanAken), Marcus Stewart (@MarcusStewart7), Kyle Hilliard (@KyleMHilliard)

The Game Informer Show is a weekly gaming podcast covering the latest video game news, industry topics, exclusive reveals, and reviews. Join host Alex Van Aken every Thursday to chat about your favorite games – past and present – with Game Informer staff, developers, and special guests from around the industry. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app.

Matt Storm, the freelance audio editor for The Game Informer Show, edited this episode. Matt is an experienced podcast host and producer who’s been speaking into a microphone for over a decade. You should listen to Matt’s shows like the “Fun” And Games Podcast and Reignite, a BioWare-focused podcast. 

The Game Informer Show – Podcast Timestamps:

00:00:00 – Intro

00:03:51 – Jusant Review

00:22:23 – RoboCop: Rogue City Review

00:43:03 – WarioWare: Move It!

00:54:40 – The Finals

01:07:17 – Housekeeping and Listener Questions

[vaguely-concerned]

I wrote 7500 words in two days and now the edit feels like being a drunk just trying to get home and walking face first into every lamp post along the way

[deliciouswastelandgoddess]

A Delicate Villainy - Bible's Vegas

A case study of acting techniques

Also read:

Mile's Kinn

Apo's Porsche

Build's Pete

For me amongst all the main actors, Bible has the weakest acting skills. There are moments here and there where he either overacts or under performs - it's not a big deal really, every new actor has a learning curve, plus Bible is apparently really young [all my knowledge about him comes from what people post here because I usually don't care about celebrities and their personal lives, only their performances] Also you'd be surprised by how much of an actor's "performance" depends on the final editing and which shots were chosen for the final copy of an episode/film, so yeah, the definition of "good acting skills" is a mix of both objective and subjective perspectives. So according to me, Bible's inexperience is really evident sometimes, especially compared to the entirely effortless delivery of the rest of his co-actors.

Having said that, there are also moments when Bible's Vegas just.... blows me away.

First up is his physicality - I really like the way he holds his body. Bible isn't the tallest or largest man around and he doesn't try to be, so the first thing you actually notice is his face, which again, is a remarkably fierce face - a resting villain face, if you will - it's very ethereal in it's quality. That combined with Bible's extremely soft voice gives Vegas a sweet edge. Bible's Vegas is feline in his grace, a leopard or a lynx - compare that to Mile's Kinn who is also graceful but like a lioness, very hefty in his presence lacking Vegas' delicacy.

Bible's biggest strength is in appearing very soft and very sharp simultaneously. The next two gifs are from the same episode and the same scene with but look how gentle he looks in one and how cunning in the other. His softness is even more evident when his hair is fluffy rather than gelled as it is here. (Pool scene with Porsche)

He is also very good at using his entire body to act. This scene below is one of my favorites - he looks so broken down and in need of a hug, I was ready to forgive all his crimes in this moment, literally had adoption papers ready and everything.

And yet again, it's hard to believe that the human mess above is the same guy as this asshole 👇 he nailed this one frame, could feel the unhinged energy through to my bones, but notice how he still keeps it delicate not giving in to machismo like Kinn or even Porsche do.

Bible is actually very good at doing this sort of regular human to unhinged gremlin transitions and it's always thrilling to see that happens. I am just- this is just such good shit, I am living for this 😩

My absolute favourite scene though is this one- it's actually just another example of Vegas changing his skin in a split second, from polite softness to ruthless murderer.

Another rather unexplored aspect of his acting is the comedy. He really only got to be intentionally funny a couple of times in the entire series but I think he nailed those scenes. Would have loved to see more of that. Take this instance for example - it's so subtle but aaaaah it had me in fits. (Also his outfit here is absolutely bonkers - another post I wrote about Kinnporsche's Wardrobe)

Vegas' scenes in episode 13 have been my favourite so far. Bible has managed to successfully capture the duality of Vegas - he is a victim and a villain at the same time, he is hungry for love and a conduit of hatred at the same time, he needs help but has burned all the bridges where he could have received it (Pete, Porsche, his cousins). He realises his mistakes are too big to be forgiven but he still wants to be forgiven. He is so, so human and Bible just- Bible has played this character with so much sympathy you can't help but feel it yourself a bit.

Last but not the least, this scene - Bible has done such a good job at portraying Vegas' sensuality. It is very different and delicate from Kinn and Porsche's soft machismo and juvenility. Its just another aspect of crafting the perfectly balanced villainy of Vegas and yeah, Bible has indeed been a great casting choice for this role. 10/10 will watch him in any show again.

[crazilust]

Geminis in pop culture and how they're underrated

Whenever we think about high intelligence, progress, innovations in regards to astrology, most of the time, we come up with Earth signs such as Capricorns, Virgos or Tauruses. Aquarius is also brought up often when it comes to progress and genius. It's crazy to me Gemini, which is ruled by the literal planet of intelligence and communication, is so often forgotten.

Kanye West ( Sun in Gemini, Jupiter in Gemini and Lilith in Gemini)

According to certain websites, he would be a Cancer rising, which would means his Gemini would be in the 12th house along with the three aforementioned placements.

Kanye is the perfect example of the genius strike that we often forget in Geminis. Kanye as a rapper, can be seen as a pioneer of both hip hop and rap. His refusal to do what other people were doing changed the game forever. Hate it or love him, the format of the today's rap songs are largely influenced by him. This is due, in fact, mostly because of Gemini's mutable qualities. Mutable signs are meant to disrupt the system. They are meant to bent the rules to their liking, wether you like it or not. If you even look at artists' birth charts you can see that they have major mutable placements no matter the element (water, fire, air or earth). But let's go back to Geminis because I actually think it's the combination of every aspect of Geminis that make them so powerful. We'll come back to that later.

Since the beginning of Ye's career, his goal was to share his story. He wanted the audience to immerse themselves fully in his world, no matter what that particular world was. That's also one of the reason why some albums created so much noise, because it was so raw. I feel that is so Gemini of him. Let's not forget that Geminis are ruled by Mercury. The literal planet of intelligence, communications, mental stimulation and curiosity. That said, if you mix the mutable aspect of wanting to disrupt the rules with Mercury's quality of wanting to communicate and share, you get someone that's not ashamed to give you the full depth of their human experience, no matter how disturbing it is.

Kanye has been shamed a lot for this, people accusing him of switchings beliefs from one extreme to another. Which is true (and kinda the reason why I don't like him as much as a person anymore, but let's move on). And that, too, is very Gemini of him. They get hated on so much for this trait, but I do believe as artists, that trait can get them so far, if they use it as a way to express the duality within them.

To me, art is supposed to make you feel something, no matter if the emotion is deemed negative or positive. And that's how you feel with a Gemini, Kanye being a prime example. He's able to pour his point of view and feelings into his art and we just get to witness that. And yes it's uncomfortable, because we would rather see the world in black and white. Geminis are not like that. They see and understand every point of view and rarely take side.

I love Geminis artists, man. Since I was a child.

2. Emma Chamberlain ( Sun, Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn in Gemini)

With Emma, what I want to highlight within the sign of Gemini is the intelligence and level of adaptability, like-ability and charisma that ooze from them. Emma Chamberlain is a young Youtube star who gained popularity for her vlog videos and unique editing style. One of the main reason she also got hate was the fact that she seemingly got famous for... well, nothing. That is the beauty and curse of Geminis. Most of what they do seem effortless, and I think that's why they're so underrated. Emma was able to capture your attention with a vlog that was as mundane as a short trip to the thrift store. How did she do it?

Geminis are about mental stimulation. Their brains is going at 200 mph at all time. They're always thinking of stuff, and Emma just had the brilliant idea to record herself and let that out of her brain. They have a way of recounting stories that is absolutely fascinating, you cannot do anything but listen. There's a reason why there's so many youtubers and rappers that are Geminis. They are good with words (that mix of Mercury and air is sweet, I'm telling y'all).

Another thing that I noticed is how good they are at marketing themselves (Mercury also rules commerce). They know how to make every part of themselves appealing and sellable. Everything that Emma wears become a trend. I totally attribute that to her Gemini placements (her mix of Taurus placements also helps i'ma be honest).

In conclusion

Geminis are pioneers, not only because they refuse to play within the limits of the game, but also because they are constantly evolving. Incredibly intelligent and insightful, they are able to recognize what the audience wants from them and give them even more than what they initially asked for. Creative and honestly quite weird, the moment they accept to share who they truly are to the world, they become everyone's model to copy from head to toe. They are able to stay solid within a high pressure environment and that makes them able to handle fame at quite a high level, actually.

advice : If you want to be famous or think you're meant to be, and you don't have the usual placements that is associated with fame (leo, capricorn, virgo, scorpio) please look at where Gemini is in your chart and work off of that. It'll be incredibly helpful.

---------------------------

If you read to the very end, I wanna know your Mercury sign and where is it placed in your chart. I love you all regardless,

Dolly.

[darkgazer]

[ — I N T R O ]

hello, this is my first ever writeblr intro. i’m mako. 24. she/they. in pharmacy school. also work part-time. artist. writer. but never both at the same time because i’m pea-brained and i can only focus on one thing at a time. yet somehow i still have hundreds of unfinished wips in the backburner. i mostly write dark fiction in the realm of fantasy and sci-fi and i’m extremely fascinated by the morbid

this blog is mainly to keep track of my wips and serve as a vault of some sort for writing inspo, references, graphics, etc.

i will prob change blog aesthetic a lot lol

[ — P R O J E C T S ]

Sea-strung Pearls : a lonely mermaid who collects treasures and carcasses. an underwater kingdom. hideous and scary deep sea creatures. a colossal ancient sea monster. said monster guides a mermaid down a path of brutality and self-destruction. sailors & shipwrecks. man-eating sirens. maritime folklore. exploration of loneliness from isolation. transformation into a monster. prey becoming predator. you become what you consume (dark fantasy, horror, nano wip)

Carnivore Mouth : a crafty-minded street urchin & a sharp-tongued troublemaker. set in a church orphanage & gothic cathedral. children being lambs for the slaughter. organ harvesting. machiavellianism & duality of human nature. dangerous religious fanaticism. dark rituals and ceremonies worshipping a false god. vampires but not really. forced martyrdom. friendship turns into obsessive codependency. two young orphans navigating diabolical machinations in a holy sanctuary (gothic horror)

A Garden of Fruiting Bodies : 12 dancing princesses retelling. unwavering sisterhood. crazed adoration for each other. each princess has a secret. maidens by day vixens by night. mystical dreams manifested from dark desires. maze gardens & underground labyrinths. nightly adventures. sentient vines trapping people. lakes luring people in. craving the forbidden. repression leading to rebellion and ending in self-discovery (dark fantasy, fairytale)

/ more to be added . . .

[  — L I N K S ]

socials : pinterest

tags : quotes / photography / artworks 

[ edited 10/25/22 ]

[asmr-analyst]

an update on my last post (about the geordi video), probably a little ranty (tldr: that was more distressing than i expected!)

For starters, the voice acting in that was stellar. Don’t know why Erik has such a talent for acting out distress and crying but my god, it always hits. That’s why it surprises me so much when people were acting like it’s unreasonable that people reacted emotionally to this video??? Because that’s the point, right? How anyone can watch that and not be mad at Cutie is beyond me lmao

Cutie seems extremely insecure, but their view on reading Geordi’s mind is so toxic and... out of touch? I don’t see how any person could believe that their somehow entitled or constantly deserving of literally being inside someone’s head! Sure, coming from a family of telepaths might do that to you, but that is one of the most abusive behaviors I can think of. It’s the exact reason Regulus is so scary, at least to me (not comparing them, but you’d think redacted fans would understand how violating this behavior is?)

Another hot take, I think the fandom views the listener characters too much like their fully formed individuals when they really... aren’t. Sure, I have my favorites, but they’re really just vessels to project onto, even if some have more of their own personality and spunk than others. Trying to give Cutie an abusive family backstory or something to explain everything seems like such a weird response, but I guess that’s just people listening to things differently, which is completely okay. 

^ My point with all this is that I think listener characters being morally grey is wonderful, but there’s a line where it’s just too much (and that’s why people reacted so poorly to Fred and Bright’s series and eventually got it deleted). People don’t enjoy projecting onto characters that clearly exhibit abusive behavior, especially when they’re attached to the character they’re abusing.

And I can’t imagine having to deal with what poor Geordi is going through there, especially since he can’t know if they’re in his head (since he’s unempowered). Cutie thinks that him sharing his feelings verbally is somehow “fake”, but he has to trust they aren’t reading his mind all the time? terrifying.

That’s it, I guess? Feel free to share what you think (I’ll open up asks soon if I figure out how). Maybe I’m wrong - for god’s sake, past me thought Xiaver was gonna be evil, so I have a precedent for being wrong LMAO

EDIT BECAUSE IM AN OVERTHINKER: just because I’ve took a bit of a stance on this doesn’t mean I disagree with people who think Cutie’s behavior is tramua based or that they have room to improve or anything like that. I agree with those things! But i feel like people are missing the other side of this picture. We need both for this to be beneficial discussion. It’s silly and not helpful to pick Geordi or Cutie’s side and ignore the rest, this is complicated. Duality of man and all that LOL

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Fruits Basket Diaries, #4: Why Am I Picking A Fight With A Tokyopop Editor?

[see part 1 here]

[see part 3 here]

This is part of an ongoing series where I'll be cataloguing my experience rereading (and finishing for the first time) the Fruits Basket manga. I've just finished reading up to Chapter 101, so there will be spoilers up to that section of the story. Also, please keep in mind that my thoughts are likely to develop as I read more!

So I've just finished the Tokyopop edition (English translation) of Volume 17, and at the end there's an editor's note which includes this statement: "I'd really like to see some drawings of Akito as a woman, in her true gender!" I'm not exactly seething about this statement, but I do find it to be very silly, especially in the context of everything that happens in the volume itself. I've been thinking about the sentence pretty much nonstop since I read it, so I think it deserves an installment of its own in this series.

(For the purposes of this piece, I'm going to refer to Akito as both a woman and a man, but I'll only be using he/him pronouns for him.)

In short, I think that Akito's gender is far more complicated than "woman disguised as a man". Even after Kureno reveals to Tohru that Akito is a woman, he continues to refer to Akito using he/him pronouns in front of Tohru, even while calling Akito a girl. In a later conversation between Kureno and Shigure, who both know Akito's gender at birth, Shigure refers to Akito using both he/him and she/her pronouns, and Kureno uses he/him pronouns to refer to Akito. There's no need for secrecy in these situations, so it seems that these characters do actually see Akito as a man, though not only as a man.

What find really revealing is where Kureno and Shigure choose to refer to Akito using feminine terms--Kureno sees feminine Akito as the girl he pities, and Shigure sees feminine Akito as the woman he's loved for years. Masculine Akito, in contrast, is the controlling, irascible head of the family, the extremely violent person who everyone must walk on eggshells around. Even as Akito consistently brings unhappiness and danger upon the entire Zodiac, both Kureno and Shigure separate him into two parts: man and woman, cruel and affectionate, abuser and lover. Though Akito rarely presents this feminine side, leaving Kureno and Shigure to cling to faded memories of him being vulnerable with them, the duality of his gender, the glimpses of love they see in the midst of abusive situations, leaves the two with just enough hope for them to continue enabling him in the hopes of one day seeing the person they care for again.

When the editors note says that Akito is really a woman, I think it takes for granted that Kureno and Shigure are right, that who he is in rare moments of weakness is more important than the person he is so much of the time, the one who inspires terror in so many family members, and I don't think that makes sense. Though we haven't been told how Akito himself identifies, I think, from the way the story approaches his gender, that he is both a man and a woman, and both identities constantly play against each other to create an antagonist who the older characters, those who have seen both sides the most clearly, struggle to sort out their feelings towards throughout the series.

(I also think this is also a part of a larger vision of genderqueer-ness in Fruits Basket, one I discussed a bit in part 2, where identities outside of the gender binary are not just things that happen to characters by chance, but rather reflections of their personalities and experiences!)