#drugs have affected my life for many of years in my family so seeing him pretend when i know what really can happen makes me mad

[jadenvargen]

free online james baldwin stories, essays, videos, and other resources

**edit

James baldwin online archive with his articles and photo archives.

---NOVELS---

Giovanni's room"When David meets the sensual Giovanni in a bohemian bar, he is swept into a passionate love affair. But his girlfriend's return to Paris destroys everything. Unable to admit to the truth, David pretends the liaison never happened - while Giovanni's life descends into tragedy. This book introduces love's fascinating possibilities and extremities."

Go Tell It On The Mountain"(...)Baldwin's first major work, a semi-autobiographical novel that has established itself as an American classic. With lyrical precision, psychological directness, resonating symbolic power, and a rage that is at once unrelenting and compassionate, Baldwin chronicles a fourteen-year-old boy's discovery of the terms of his identity as the stepson of the minister of a storefront Pentecostal church in Harlem one Saturday in March of 1935. Baldwin's rendering of his protagonist's spiritual, sexual, and moral struggle of self-invention opened new possibilities in the American language and in the way Americans understand themselves."

+bonus: film adaptation on youtube. (if you’re a giancarlo esposito fan, you’ll be delighted to see him in an early preacher role)

Another Country and Going to Meet the Man Another country: "James Baldwin's masterly story of desire, hatred and violence opens with the unforgettable character of Rufus Scott, a scavenging Harlem jazz musician adrift in New York. Self-destructive, bad and brilliant, he draws us into a Bohemian underworld pulsing with heat, music and sex, where desperate and dangerous characters betray, love and test each other to the limit." Going to meet the Man: " collection of eight short stories by American writer James Baldwin. The book, dedicated "for Beauford Delaney", covers many topics related to anti-Black racism in American society, as well as African-American–Jewish relations, childhood, the creative process, criminal justice, drug addiction, family relationships, jazz, lynching, sexuality, and white supremacy."

Just Above My Head"Here, in a monumental saga of love and rage, Baldwin goes back to Harlem, to the church of his groundbreaking novel Go Tell It on the Mountain, to the homosexual passion of Giovanni's Room, and to the political fire that enflames his nonfiction work. Here, too, the story of gospel singer Arthur Hall and his family becomes both a journey into another country of the soul and senses--and a living contemporary history of black struggle in this land."

If Beale Street Could Talk"Told through the eyes of Tish, a nineteen-year-old girl, in love with Fonny, a young sculptor who is the father of her child, Baldwin's story mixes the sweet and the sad. Tish and Fonny have pledged to get married, but Fonny is falsely accused of a terrible crime and imprisoned. Their families set out to clear his name, and as they face an uncertain future, the young lovers experience a kaleidoscope of emotions-affection, despair, and hope. In a love story that evokes the blues, where passion and sadness are inevitably intertwined, Baldwin has created two characters so alive and profoundly realized that they are unforgettably ingrained in the American psyche."

also has a film adaptation by moonlight's barry jenkins

Tell Me How Long the Train's been gone At the height of his theatrical career, the actor Leo Proudhammer is nearly felled by a heart attack. As he hovers between life and death, Baldwin shows the choices that have made him enviably famous and terrifyingly vulnerable. For between Leo's childhood on the streets of Harlem and his arrival into the intoxicating world of the theater lies a wilderness of desire and loss, shame and rage. An adored older brother vanishes into prison. There are love affairs with a white woman and a younger black man, each of whom will make irresistible claims on Leo's loyalty. 

---ESSAYS---

Baldwin essay collection. Including most famously: notes of a native son, nobody knows my name, the fire next time, no name in the street, the devil finds work- baldwin on film

--DOCUMENTARIES--

Take this hammer, a tour of san Francisco.

Meeting the man

--DEBATES:--

Debate with Malcolm x, 1963 ( on integration, the nation of islam, and other topics. )

Debate with William Buckley, 1965. ( historic debate in america. )

Heavily moderated debate with Malcolm x, Charles Eric Lincoln, and Samuel Schyle 1961. (Primarily Malcolm X's debate on behalf of the nation of islam, with Baldwin giving occassional inputs.)

----

apart from themes obvious in the book's descriptions, a general heads up for themes of incest and sexual assault throughout his works.

[cutielando]

a thousand times | r.c.

synopsis: in which you'd be with him every single time

my masterlist

Thinking back on your life, you had made many mistakes and things you weren't proud of in your life. 

Getting yourself arrested, doing drugs, drinking yourself to oblivion for a period, housing fugitives. These were just at the top of the list.

However, one thing you would never regret was being with Rafe Cameron.

The way he made you feel, the safety that you felt whenever he was around you, the love and affection he showered you with every waking moment with every single opportunity, the absolute adoration present in his eyes whenever he would look at you.

You couldn't have considered yourself luckier to have someone like him by your side for the rest of your life.

From the beginning of your relationship, you had always been met with criticism. Everyone kept telling you that Rafe wasn't good enough for you, that he would just end up ruining your life and dragging you down with him, that he had mental problems, that you weren't safe around him and he was just going to hurt you.

But you didn't see the Rafe everyone would describe. 

You saw your Rafe. Your Rafe who was gentle with you, who always made sure you were happy and safe, made sure you had everything that you would ever need, made sure everybody on the island knew not to mess with you or even look at you the wrong way because he would be there to protect you. The Rafe who adored you and worshiped the ground that you walked on.

His father had a particularly strong dislike of your relationship, mainly because Rafe had started to change for the better ever since you got together and Ward realized his control over the boy was wearing thin.

You would often get into screaming matches with the older man, often resulting in Rafe getting between the two of you and taking your side. This fact deeply disturbed the patriarch. 

As your relationship progressed into something more and more serious every single day, Ward couldn't stand you being around him. He even tried forbidding Rafe from seeing you, but it was to no avail.

The boy had fallen so deeply in love with you that the thought of being away from you tore him apart from the inside.

The solution?

Very simple, especially in Rafe's mind.

He moved out of Tannyhill and moved in with you.

Your house was very spacious, your parents absolutely adored Rafe and were more than happy because of the new addition to the family. Knowing how Ward was and what kind of family atmosphere there was in the house, they took on the roles of the parents he had never had.

Especially your father.

He had always wanted a boy, a son to bond with and teach him the ways of life, so having Rafe around all the time gave him the opportunity to pass all of his knowledge down to the boy, who was more than content and happy to have someone caring for him like his family should have done for years and didn't.

After 3 and a half wonderful years together, Rafe had decided that he couldn't live without you by his side, getting down on one knee and asking you to marry him. It was very intimate, you had been having dinner with your parents on Christmas Eve, when he mentioned that he had to give you one last present.

You don't remember your mother or father ever crying as much as they did that evening. The whole night was spent dotting on the newly engaged couple, congratulations flying left and right and plans of the future lingering in the air.

There was some thinking going around as to whether or not Rafe would tell his family about the engagement and whether or not you would want them at your wedding.

Ultimately, Rafe settled for just calling his younger sister Wheezie, her being the only one that Rafe got along with and the only one he didn't hate in the entire family. Her reaction was just what you expected: she squealed so loudly into the phone that he was convinced she had busted his eardrum. 

Following the news of the engagement, after much thought and consideration, talks after talks with your parents, you and Rafe decided it was time to have a place of your own on the mainland. 

Rafe wanted to be as far away from his father as possible, and frankly, you needed a change of scenery. Even though the OBX would always be your home,  you needed something new and fun and different.

Your parents had helped you in the whole process of house-hunting, having offered to pay part of the sum while you and Rafe covered the rest.

After moving and settling in for a few months, you and Rafe quickly put together your dream wedding and got married in a beautiful intimate ceremony with just your parents, a couple of your friends and Wheezie, who had lied to her parents about going on a school trip to attend the wedding.

Wedding bliss was treating you well, the honeymoon phase seeming to never want to end. You enjoyed feeling of knowing you and Rafe were finally married, that you had made it despite everything. You had proved everyone wrong, showing them just how strong your love was and just how much you had helped each other to become better people and grow together.

Oftentimes, you find yourself deep in thought, thinking about everything. Thinking back to when your relationship had started, how it progressed into such a beautiful and strong love story. 

A thought would always creep in the back of your mind, often being voiced by Rafe himself when you would lay in bed, in the middle of the night, just talking because you couldn't sleep.

"Babe?" he would whisper, making you giggle and turn your head towards him.

"Yes?"

"If given the chance, would you do this all over again?" he was tracing your spine with his hands, making a shiver go down your back.

Looking deep into his eyes, you knew that you would never imagine yourself being there with anyone else other than him. There was nobody else for you, he was the only one. Your soulmate.

"A thousand times" you whispered and kissed him, pouring your love into the kiss.

And as you laid there in the dead of the night, basking in each other's presence and showering each other with love, you both knew that if given the chance, you would go through everything again just to be with each other.

A thousand times over again.

comments and re-blogs help us grow!!

much appreciated!!

REQUEST HERE

[professorcalculusstanaccount]

hi! loving your art. I was watching your awesome stories/gifs and I was wondering: how did Chang develop his feelings for Tintin? Did he discover them before or after him? How did he react and why? (English is not my first language so if you see a grammatical mistake, I'm sorry. Also, sorry if so many questions made you feel like you were in a philosophy exam)

Thank you so much! As a contrast to the rest of the Marlinspike team I'm writing Chang as someone who makes friends and develops crushes pretty easily!

I imagine he's had a crush on Tintin for some time, possibly from when they first met. He's been at the mercy of his circumstances for most of his life until that point - Tintin basically makes him feel capable of doing stuff.

He's pretty heartbroken after the Blue Lotus. Tintin doesn't contact him for years. Chang is struggling to adjust to his new family and is failing at school, having missed out on a good education for a few years prior. Until Tibet he feels pretty hopeless, he will never live up to the time when he took down a drug ring.

His near death experience in Tibet shakes him out of this rut. He starts to travel and take up hobbies like dance and photography. Didi trains him in some basic martial arts. Tintin makes an effort to actually stay in touch this time. Chang has some abandonment issues as he's frequently lost people throughout his life, so he's someone who's willing to give people second chances, even if they've hurt him badly. Chang thinks he's well over his crush on Tintin when he comes around to Belgium for his studies, but falls for him again very quickly!

Unlike Tintin, Chang is a lot more comfortable with who he is. He's used to being the odd one out and has generally low expectations for himself, so just goes with the flow.

Below I talk a little with how I'm going about writing him and the historical context surrounding this, cw for mentions of racism (sinophobia) and queerphobia:

I'm writing Chang as bi, I thought it would be interesting to explore as Asian men were perceived differently in the 30s compared to today. While Asian men in the West are currently heavily desexualised in the early 20th century they were stereotyped as predatory and deviant. In London a lot of Chinese immigrants were male dockworkers, so when they married white women there was a lot of fearmongering about predatory and disloyal Chinese men.

A lot of depictions of Asian men in Western media reflected these stereotypes (and often used queercoding to push the idea of Asian men being animalistic seducers - General Henry Chang in Shanghai Express (1932) was written to be bisexual while posing as a threat to the white leads). Some examples off the top of my head include Hishuru Tori from The Cheat (1915) and The Mask of Fu Manchu (1932). Novels frequently depicted Chinese drug lords with borderline supernatural powers in manipulation.

On the other hand I've noticed how fans frequently depict Chang as someone who's submissive, demure and soft, which ignores how ridiculously brave and proactive he is in canon (stealing documents from police officers, charging into a man immediately after getting shot at by a machine gun, I could go on!). It's a common example of Fandom Racism (not accusing anyone specifically, it's just a trend I've noticed.)

When writing Chang I'm kinda reckoning with two different eras. From a contemporary angle I'm writing him as a love interest, which as an Asian guy I rarely see in media today. I also gotta consider his own time and context, how he would navigate being a queer Chinese guy, and how that would affect his relationship with others and himself.

[acutecoral]

I have no brain for prose at the moment, because I don't think I've watched enough Cellbit to really get his mannerisms right but just a concept in my head at the moment like

Cellbit has had the urge to relapse back to what felt natural, to resort of violence, to killing. Now not in service of himself, but for the people he cares about.

His hold over those urges was admirable, but it was always bound to snap.

It started with Felps. His friend. Lost to the Federation's grasp. I'd imagine ignoring the urge was...easy then, at least with the initial idea. He had a plan, he directed his focus to infiltrating, to misleading and convincing Cucurucho that he could be trusted. It was hard. Here on the island, he had found a family, friends, people he knew and grown to care about. To push them away, and mislead them must have felt awful. Back in the war, things weren't as complicated but he wanted to do something different. He can be different.

I imagine when it failed, when he was taken back and captured, maybe there was that voice at the back of his mind. "This would have been easier if..."

But it was a constant companion for many years, and he's had practice pushing it down and refocusing his energy to other things.

Like his family, his son, the Eggs, his friends, the Order, Roier, their wedding, the campaign for the presidency. There was a lot to do, so much that needed his attention it would have been easy to just focus on the next thing and pretend that those darker thoughts wasn't there.

Then the Eggs disappeared. His son was gone, the other Eggs were gone, and no one knew what had happened. Everyone was searching for answers and they barely had the pieces to put things together. But the Federation must have been behind it, they took the Eggs last time, it was the only answer.

Then Forever was forced to take the risus potion, forced to become a twisted parody of himself that Cellbit couldn't get through to. Forced to pretend everything was okay.

And Pac...Pac whom Cellbit had seen sink to despair since Mike was lost and now pushed even further now that Richas was missing. Pac was still determined, still so willing to sacrifice himself for the smallest chance to figure out what was affecting their friend, their family and find a way to cure him.

How Cellbit must have felt the strongest urge to tear the entire Federation down to the ground, when he found himself between Forever and Pac on that bench. How difficult that must have been to ignore and push past, because he couldn't indulge in it. He had to hold strong, he had to bring them back to reality, to come back to him.

But seeing Pac whimpering, huddled and trapped and so small, so afraid in that cage...then listening to Forever's screams, directed at the memory of Cucurucho in Cellbit's place, a play by play of what led him to be drugged in the first place, how those darker urges must have reared it's head up. Did Cellbit wish he did what Forever did? Even knowing where it led? That urge to let loose, to direct his anger at something, at someone who must have knew all the answers, who were obviously playing them for fools again, who was hurting his family so deeply once more, forcing those he cared about to this state.

It must have led to sleepless nights. Frustration and anger. He must have been so tired.

An exhaustion that everyone on the island felt, but especially...Roier. His huband.

Cellbit would have never forgotten the way the Federation played with Roier and Jaiden's hopes with Bobby's life. Dashing them when they were only granted 10 minutes with their child instead of giving him back.

And now the Eggs have been ripped away again. Roier's sister was taken. Roier's son in law was gone, and for someone that already lost someone he felt responsible for, Cellbit must have seen the heavy toll it took on Roier. The dark eye bags, the way he tries to busy himself, the way that he accepted the Eggs must be dead because he can't take another heartbreak. He can't handle to have that hope they're alive dashed again. Again. Again.

Then...Bagi. That was the last straw. The one that broke the camel's back. The revelation he had a peaceful life before. He was loved, he was safe, he had a family, he had a sister...He had a past before the war, he had come from somewhere, and he was ripped away from it, those memories lost, drowned with the memory of blood and violence and survival.

Cellbit had spent so long treading water, keeping his head up, but no more. No longer. He can't afford to. He had tried playing by the bear's rules, he had tried going about it another way, but clearly it wasn't working.

It was time for a change of tactic.

...

Did killing that first worker feel like relief? Did he surprise himself with how easy it was to slip back into those old habits he had spent so long to ignore? How easy to must have been to watch, to stalk, to wait...before going for the kill?

But maybe he can tell there's a difference here now. Just a little.

These skills were ones he learned to survive. Taught by a dear, old friend. And it served him well, but now he's stepping back into the shoes of the monster, not for himself no. But for the people he loves. The people he knows have been hurt. He's doing it for them.

He will burn down the Federation even if he has to use his own body for the kindling.

[tomatette]

Okay, so … @wyomingnot told me about their headcanon that Ma-Ma is actually Techies mother. And, I somehow couldn't stop thinking about it, so here goes:

Madeline gets knocked up at sixteen, homeless and prostituting herself for drug money. She doesn't want a kid, but she also has no money to get rid of it, so she breaks into an electric shop in Peach Trees, trying to rob it.

The owner, an old man, catches her in the act. But instead of calling the judges on her, he offers her food and a place to crash. She's suspicious at first, obviously, but, being pretty much out of other options, she stays anyway. After a couple days she comes to the conclusion that the old man really just genuinely wants to help. And he convinces her to have the baby. He has no family, he tells her. He would support her and the child in any way he can. And Madeline is maybe not happy, but its probably the best time she's had in her whole miserable life.

The baby is born. A little boy she calls Tadgh to please the old man (it's his middle name). But it's stressful and exhausting and, frankly, she doesn't like to be a mom. So she falls back into bad habits, finds herself a drug cook boyfriend and a pimp, and shows up at the electronic shop less and less.

The shop keeper takes care of the kid everyone calls Techie (because Tadgh is Irish and people twist their tongues trying to pronounce it correctly), treats him like he's his own grandkid. He might not be able to help Madeleine, because she doesn't want to be helped, but he can at least try to save the boy, help him set up a good life.

Next Madeleine's, now Ma-Ma's, known backstory happens. She plays no role in Techies life during the time she builds her Slo-Mo empire. When she takes over Peach Trees, Techie is around eight years old. It's then that she remembers her son.

Techie's grown into a clever kid, very tech-savvy, who helps his Da in the shop. He knows that his Da is not his real father, and that his Ma is still somewhere out there and loves him very much.

It's a shock for the little boy when he has to find out the hard way that his Da has lied to him. Ma-Ma is pretty much the opposite of a loving mother. And he hides behind the tool-rack when she storms into the shop and demands her son. Da tries to reason with her, when that doesn't work, he tells Techie to run.

Which he does - until he hears his Da scream. Then, he heads back and returns just in time to see Ma-Ma kill his Da. She takes a struggling and fighting little Techie "home", and just like that his childhood is over.

She doesn't really have many motherly feelings for him, but she does keep him fed and in relatively good health. It'd be an understatement to say their relationship is complicated. Techie hates and loves her in equal measures. She's the embodiment of every bad thing that has ever happened to him, but she's also his only source of touch or affection, as few and far between as those might be …

I might use this for my Techie fic, but I wanted to share this here anyway :)

[malaintentions]

I miss when I was able to vent on here but I have gotten to the point where I’m scared to. I get scared that people who I have gotten close to at some point or even talked to would judge me. judge my life, or judge those I speak about but here goes nothing because I have absolutely no one to vent this to.

For starters, I know I should be at a point of my life where my parents relationship and decisions should no longer affect me, I suppose mind my own business. For as long as I can remember, their relationship has been the most traumatic memory for me growing up and until now.

It all started when I used to have the nightmares of my dad cheating on my mom. Every weekend who would go out with friends and drink while my mom was always home with my brothers and I. There would be nights when my dad would come back home being extremely verbally abusive towards my mom. It would scare, I would cry. As I got alittle older I would find hiding spots to go cry in because the screaming, yelling, and the sound of things being thrown would scare me. At the town we lived in everyone knew my dad was cheating on my mom but at the time she didn't believe it then we moved away. The problems still continued, dad still drank and fought with mom. I would hide underneath my bed or outside in the backyard because I couldn't take it.

Geez all my built up hurt and emotions has me crying.

As I got older I resented my dad. I hated him for the way he treated my mom and the way he talked about my mom's family. I had such a shitty relationship with my dad. once I was in middle school I wouldn't talk to him. at the time dad was doing drugs and drinking which made him continue to be violent. he also treated my youngest brother differently because he thought my little brother wasn't his (which he is). I also grew very depressed and developed an eating disorder. I was weak both physically and emotionally, and when I was 13 years old I wanted to kill myself. No one knew that I had ever thought or felt that way because I always kept everything to myself.

As I got into high school, dad didn't drink as much but his personality never changed. When I was 17, I caught my dad sleeping with another woman. After that our relationship worsened. I never said anything what had happened but my dad treated me like shit. He told me I was "useless" and "unlovable" and "not worthy for anyone." I hated him. Meanwhile he would agree with my mom and accuse her of cheating with his best friend at the time and his best friend's son. and I so desperately wanted to move out of the state for college but I chose not to.

Then we moved further away in the middle of my senior year and once I was in college, things seemed to have gotten a bit better. The year I was pregnant with my daughter, my dad fought with me all the time because he thought I was always covering up for my mom. At the time my mom never did anything wrong, he was the one with the guilty conscience.

After my daughter was born I hoped that my dad would change, I really wanted him to but it got worse and I could take seeing my mom get treated like shit everyday so I told her about my dad cheating when I was 17. Until this day my dad blames me for their relationship going worse (today). Me telling her exposed us to many things we didn’t know before. The year prior my dad had been texting and calling an ex girlfriend , and his whole family knew he had been in contact with that woman. My mom lost her shit. She chose to forgive him but my dad never changed. Never did anything to show that he was sorry or regretted it.

I will never forget the day when he told my little brother that at one point he thought he wasn’t his. It broke me to see his face. It broke me to hear my dad say that to him.

A year later my mom had been cheating back on my dad with a man she had met at her job. His wife found out and all hell broke loose. Dad never found but they had cut contact shortly after.

Which all of this leads to today..

Yesterday my mom, daughter, and I were planning on visiting the lavender fields since we were planing to stay the night at my grandmas. But she turned around to get meet up with the man she had cheated with two years ago. I didn’t know how to process this information, I had feeling. But I was hurt that’s she used me to go do some shady shit. I’ve never felt soo hurt and disappointed. I’m a firm believer when the doors have been closed, they should remain closed. She is no longer the woman I could look up to.

I’m lost, angry, and I hate everything. I have no positive male or female figure in my life anymore . I just don’t see the use of it anymore. I genuinely wish I could disappear, start my own life, have my own family because the family that made me isn’t my family.

[popcornforone]

More Than Friends

A Dieter Bravo fan fic

Happy birthday to me. Yes today (Halloween) is my birthday & I wanted to write a fic for me about something super romantic that could happen on your birthday. I had a similar dream to this a while ago so I thought Dieter would be the best person to write this for.

Synopsis: You are in America with your sister celebrating your birthday, your best friend & flat mate Dieter is in England working. But he wants to give you the best birthday present ever, no matter how crazy it is.

Word count:3600

Warnings: this is mainly fluff & romantic, but probably best for DONOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18! Secretly fancying your best friends. Swearing, drinking, a little bit of being over dramatic, thinking of what could be ideas of fantasies, death. It is mainly fluffy tho so

Thanks as always for the read peoples. I hope you enjoy this. All feed back is welcome.

OOOH & HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

“Jen” you shout as you run to your sister at the airport. You may now both live in the same country once again, but finding the time to see her is hard. You’re now finally getting praise for your acting & have 2 weeks off before you’re needed for the next part you will be appearing in on this fabulous HBO reboot. Your sister isn’t exactly quiet. Her 5 month old Dylan keeps her busy, she’s not looking forward to going back to work soon from her maternity leave. Her husband Lance is already taking advantage of her being home more than she usually is. So this next week with your sister is going to be brilliant. Just going back to being you, quirky & weird & normal, not the famous actor the world thinks they know.

The hug the two of you have is special. It’s not been long since you saw her, your grandads funeral 2months ago was the last time you saw her back in England. But it was at this event when you realised you wanted to be more than friends with your most famous best friend. He might have a drinking problem, take a few too many drugs, & be a party boy, but when Dieter Bravo turned up at your Grandads funeral it melted your heart. He’d met him 3 times in the 5 years you’ve known Dieter & your grandad always thought he was a very “eccentric character”. But it was as you saw him just standing around the back, not mingling before the hearse arrived that you cried. His hug & the stroke of the back of your hair, soothed you instantly.

“It okay, I’m here, I couldn’t have you go through this alone” Dieter had whispered as you held onto him.

“Shouldn’t you be…”

“Yes but when it’s a family emergency they said I could go & you are like a sister to me…” straight away put in the friend zone again by your crush. You’re used to it though, it no longer affects you. “& you live with me so…” you had smiled at that comment. When you worked on that Tv show that changed your life, Dieter had a role as a recurring guest character, you’d met him before on another job & he helped you calm your nerves. So when there was damage to your hotel in a fire, he was insistent you moved in with him. He had a girlfriend & a boyfriend at the time & you were in a relationship too, so it just worked. No one suspected a thing & knew you were just colleagues & friends. You then just never moved out. You left him money to pay bill & whenever he worked in the uk he always used your place if he was near. You’d always fancied Dieter, who wouldn’t fall for those eyes & that charisma, there was a reason why when he asked anyone do you want to have sex with me they answered yes. He’s just never asked you & one of you has always been in a relationship until the day after the funeral, when your boyfriend at the time saw how you & Dieter we’re with each other & told you to go & find happiness the next day. unfortunately you didn’t act on your feelings with Dieter, knowing he’s in London & your in New York at the moment, it needed to be the right time to act on this & not just jump straight back in.

As you arrive at your sister place & put your things in her guest room your phone rings, so you answer it.

“Ello”

“Babes” your face lights up straight away. Dieter always mocks your English accent & how you call people babes. Your sister sees your eyes ignite in desire so you pull the door to in your guest room & sit on the bed.

“Diets… you ok?”

“No it’s bloody raining again”

“Thats the London autumn for you”

“I know I know, but you never said it was this unpredictable the weather here”

“I’m English it’s normal” he laughs down the phone at that.

“So what making you call at 7pm, did your date not arrive for dinner?” You mock. If Dieter doesn’t have at least one casual date a week, he gets grumpy.

“Ha no, night shoot tonight… we’re actually nearly done in scheduale for once here”

“Well that’s a first”

“So what are your birthday plans? where’s the party at?” He asks enthusiastically. Your stumped. You have no party planned. You know you’re going to be in England for Christmas this year, & all your friends came over at the end of September to see you in New York so your plan is actually quite mundane. Your birthday is also Halloween.

“I’m in Seattle”

“Seattle?”

“Is there an echo?” You both giggle. “I’m seeing Jen, Lance & little Dylan this week, family bonding, you know, I have no idea what they have planned for my birthday.” It’s true you don’t know what your sisters going to do. Your birthday is a Tuesday this year & it’s currently the Friday before.

“Awww how old is Dylan now”

“Not old enough for you to take out drinking”

“Damn it, I wanted to use him as a girl magnet, the ladies love the caring dad side”

“I think they just would like a night with a movie star Diets” you smile down the phone which he can sense down his end.

“Well I’d best rearrange your gift to your sister address then”

“You didn’t have to get me anything”

“I know but after your year which to say has been crazy is an understatement, you need a treat”

“Well thank you in advanced” you pause & so does Dieter you both sigh down the phone. A million words that you want to tell him about how you feel & that you’d just like to live a normal life with Dieter somewhere away from the rest of the world. No fame, no money, no press, just you & Dieter.

“Hey…” he says

“Yes…”

“I…” & then you hear someone shout in the background & him reply.”sorry I’m Needed back on set, I’ll give you a call on your birthday okay”

“Don’t go being a twat Diets” you say quoting hot fuzz a film you both love to laugh to.

“I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction babes” & he hangs up. You secretly wish Dieter would more than satisfy you.

As Dieter hangs up the phone he automatically texts your sister to plan a birthday you won’t forget in a long time, to make sure she is okay & that this can go with her plans she may already have in place.

You smile to yourself as you get things out of your bag. Just hearing his voice makes you feel so much better, not that you were feeling down at all. As you leave the guest bedroom a few minutes later your sister is standing there judging you. Before you speak she cuts you off.

“I heard enough, I know that tone,” she looks down at her phone & see a message from Dieter.

“I just live with the guy, we’re friends, we…” but you see your sisters face & you do a little smirk. “I don’t just want to be another broken-hearted girl without him, so I will settle for what I have.”

“Are you happy with that?” She asks. You pause unsure if you are, but you are saved by Dylan crying. “I’ll get an answer from you one day sis”

*

Dieter after texting your sister goes to set. Ever the professions for his work, making sure everyone’s okay, down to the riggers & runners. He has the playboy life style in the press but working Dieter is a consummate professional. He does his last shoot for today & heads back to his trailer to get changed. He shuts the door & puts his phone on the dressing table. The mirror he sighs & stares into has photos of him on the shoot & in make up for reference’s & a few family photos too. But noone knows there’s a hidden one beneath 3 of them. His day has been long but he can stay here another 3 minutes to look at the happiest picture he has of the two of you. The one taken After the premier of the Tv show that made you a global star, the after party which everyone in the world was at. You had a boyfriend at the time, but that didn’t stop the two of you from dancing together that night as friends. The theme tune to the show was a custom song written by Ed Sheeran which was slow. Dieter remember how you trembled as he wrapped his arms around you & you both sang the lyrics outloud as Ed performed for actors, crew, press & vips of the event. This was a photo the in show photographer got. Neither of you are looking at the camera as he holds you. Your eyes are shut as you sing out loud one band in the air waving the other holding onto Dieters & his eyes are dazzling. It’s at this exact moment when Dieter realised he wanted you to be in his life more than a friend but this was 18 months ago & since then you’ve both had plenty of work, drama & heart breaks to stop either of you acting on any of this.

Dieter sighs at the photo & then runs his hands through his thick luscious hair.

“I must be fucking crazy”

He leans & takes his phone & calls his agent.

“Mel, got a second?” She mumbles something back “no it’s not that kind of emergency, I need you to sort something out for me quickly, whatever it costs & whoever this upsets, please explain this needs to be done”…

*

Tuesday arrives. You face time your parents while you & your sister have breakfast. You’ve decided to go on a lake walk & then lunch for your birthday with Jen, a nice chilled fun day. No worrys, no distractions. Just some nice Seattle air, if you can call it that in any major city just being you. Lance has promised to pick you all up some Chinese food for tonight. You’ve put Prosecco in the fridge already. It’s low-key but it’s what you want for your birthday celebration. No more costume parties taking over your special day.

Jens opened the Prosecco & you’re both sitting at the breakfast bar waiting for Lance to return with so much crispy chilli beef & lemon chicken that you will all go into a food coma.

“Dylan, what’s this?” You say in your child friendly voice. He laughs back as you play with Mr Ducky his favourite teddy bear & do the quack noises. His face is amazed & he keeps trying to clap his hand as he sits on the counter.

“No no” Jen screeches as you quickly move the fizz away.

“You mummy Dylan doesn’t want you to end up like your aunty, & it’s a shame your American, no drinking until your 21”

“Ha” Jen laughs “if he is anything like you & me he’ll have hangovers at 14”

“Ahh those were the days” you both joke. Your parents were always very liberal with letting you drink. They much rather you did it in front of them then sneak out & did it.

“Oooh Dylan” you then get a sniff of him. Jen smells it too.

“Did you do a number two” Dylan cackles & the two of you laugh when the front door goes. “Go let Lance in” Jen asks as she grabs the nappy bag.

“Oooh so demanding” you say sarcastically back. You put your glass of Prosecco down & head for the door. There’s a sign on it that says help yourself to the sweets in the box for trick or treaters. You open the door & then freeze on the spot.

Dieter is here.

Dieter is in Seattle, not London.

Dieter is at your sisters front door, in the drizzle, as the autumnal leaves fall, on your birthday.

Dieter is here.

“D…D…Di…Dieter?” Your pitch is all over the place, you’re sure your heart has stopped beating. Your eyes meet. Those dark seductive caramels stare at your trembling lips. He’s put a comb through his hair. It’s still a mess as he’s clearly taken his hoodie down as he rang the bell, his hand ruffling through it, that’s his little adorable tick that you cherish each time he does it when he’s nervous.

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hi”

Neither of you can say anything else. You then decide to step outside & leave the door on the latch & stand with him on the porch.

“What are you doing here?” You eventually after a few minutes of silence trying to work out what you’re both going to say to each other. Everything he had prepped on the flight over & practiced in the hotel room before he left to get here, have all gone out of the window. He’s nervous, this all seemed so much easier in his head over the last few days, but he’s now reduced to just being a man. But it’s the only man you will ever need.

“To wish you a happy birthday I guess… erm so happy birthday…” he’s rubbing his beard as he says it & shifts awkwardly.

“Okay you said that now… thanks… bye” you joke & then so see his face drop. “You’ve still not quite understood after all these years, my sarcasm haven’t you Diets?”

“No, almost, you & your family also have your own unique language” he smiles. The smile is warm & friendly.

“I can’t believe you are actually here to wish me a happy birthday” You beam back at him & push your own messy hair away from your face.

“Couldnt not see you babes” he being genuine in his response, even his mockery of your accent seems adorable.

“I just can’t believe you flew thousands of miles to come & wish me a happy birthday, unless your here for a…”

“No just you, no other work” he interrupts. His puppy dog eyes more loyal & huge than ever. “You deserve the world & I wanted to see how happy you were on your special day”

You fling your arms around Dieters neck & hug him. It catches him by surprise to start with, but the way he holds you a few second later & the sigh that escapes his mouth just confirms he did the right thing. His hand goes across you shoulders & you start to feel weak at his touch. A hug that can solve all the worlds problems.

“You must really like me to fly half way around the world babes…” you whisper into his ear.

“Well actually…” Dieter breaks the hug & drops to one knee. “I think I more than like you” he holds your left hand. “Marry Me?”

You’re in shock, you knew you wanted more than just friendship with Dieter but he’s not even kissed you yet.

“Dieter!? I don’t know what to say”

“Yes?” He winks as his hand strokes yours.

“No”

“No?”

“No… well” you don’t want to turn him down but you want to show him how crazy this is. “Dieter we might be close friends who live with each other but you’ve not even kissed me yet, let alone asked me out or…” you’re interrupted. Dieter is on his feet again, his hand trailing around your face. Intense eye contact & then the most loved filled kiss of either of your lives. His lips feel smooth, the way his moustache tickles makes you smile which make him deepen the kiss. His hands move through your hair & waistline, both yours are on his shoulders. It was probably all of 5second the kiss but time stood still & it felt so fabulous & just right.

“Okay”he says breathily as you break this kiss”… now will you…”

“No” you say before going back in for another kiss, allowing his tongue to explore. You know how good his tongue is, you’ve heard men & women leave his bedroom in your New York apartment thanking him for the oral experience of their life.

“Why not, I love you?” Dieter says as he goes in for the next kiss, you take a step back though, this is all too much to process for you.

“Dieter, I like you, a lot, & in a similar way to you, & yes we don’t have to do the whole getting to know each other but, I’d like to go out for dinner, take this part of our relationship slow, so we both understand each others needs & pleasures. Does that make sense, because once I am happy with that, you can ask me again & I’ll say yes” Dieter eyes widen, it’s not an instant yes, but he knew he’d get one, be it in a day, week, month or year, he’d give you all the time in the world.

“So that’s a one day then, it’s not a no?”

“Yes”

You both stand there & giggle & hug each other before you kiss his lips quickly & shortly. A simple peck but you now know these lips will soon be all over each inch of your body.

“I’d like to take you out to dinner tomorrow, if that’s okay, if we are going to do this your way, I’d then at least like one date”

“Dieter you should no I don’t put out on a first…”

“Bollocks you don’t put out on a first date, I’ve heard you get with guys on nights out or…”

“You gonna let me finish” you say a bit forcefully which makes him twitch in his trousers. It’s always aroused him when a woman knows what she wants & is firm about it. “If you’d let me carry on, I’d have said but with you Diets, your more than an exception to my rule, I mean it’s taken us years to get to this point” your blushing as you say this. “If dinner goes well tomorrow, I might just have to come back to your hotel room” Dieter is now also turning red. Often especially for the last year, has he thought about how he would pleasure you, if your cunt is to die for. He wants to experience everything with you & wants to make you feel special & sexy.

“Well if that’s the case, I’ll upgrade my room”He laughs.

“Why baby, all we need is a bed” he raises an eyebrow at you.

“No baby, if you consent tomorrow, you get the full Dieter experience, I want to treat you like the princess you are, such a good girl for waiting for me to get my act together. To have the courage to tell you how I feel” his hands tremble as they hold yours. He really is in love with you. “Anyone else whod have spoken to me like you have in the last 10 minutes or for the last few years if I’m honest I’d not care, but you baby, I never want to lose you. I want us to be forever. I want to organise our work & lives so we’re in the same continent at the same time & I really just want you to be happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Just to see you smile once a day.”

“That’s all I ever aspire to Diets…” you take a deep breath. “I want you to be happy no matter what you do, & if that means I’m just a friend, a room mate, a lover or more, I’ve always been happy to wait because just 5minutes with you feels like a life time of memories” both yours & Dieters eyes fill as you speak. He knows you love him. & so do you. But you just want to wait. Those 3 little words will fall from your lips soon. But your lips are once again preoccupied with Dieters, making out as the moon rises behind the autumnal leaves.

You phone buzzes & causes the two of you to break from the kiss. It’s your sister.

*when you two are done renewing your wedding vows before you even agree to them, the Chinese is getting cold.

“Lying bitch”you say & Dieter smiles.

“Who”

“Jen, she said…”you look at Dieter”you already knew the Chinese was here didn’t you?” You playfully hit Dieter & he scoops you up & carries you inside as you scream in hysterics. “Diets put me down”

“Never” you kick & laugh & Jen & Lance roll their eyes as he brings you back in. He puts you down. “I’m never letting go of you again babes” He kisses you & then apologised to Jen & Lance.

“Well it took you long enough to ask her Dieter” Lance says.

“We can’t all meet the love of our lives at the first day of college can we, sometimes it just takes a little time to realise what you want in life” Dieter says as you realise that enough food was ordered for all four of us.

“I know what I want Diets…” you mumble into another sweet kiss, his lips now feel like they have been yours for years. “I want you” a small sigh happens & then you both say in unison. “& some chilly beef” you both laugh & sit down to eat with your family, with Dieter now a firm addition to to your life as more than just a friend.

[inoankin]

My Bones Are Caving In

A week into their arrangement. Vincent doesn't sleep. (Ao3)

Vincent’s a liar, by nature. Or, by nurture, depending on who you ask. It doesn’t really matter. Everyone in his family was a liar, and so is he, and that’s just the truth. It’s one of the only things he’s actually good at. He’s so good, in fact, that he made a career out of it. He’s so good that he gets people to believe he’s good. He’s so good that he can convince himself of his lies, most of the time.

Vincent’s spent a lot of time in a lot of unsavory environments, doing what he does. He’s shaken hands with dealers and traffickers of anything which can be bought and sold. Drugs, weapons, people. And he knew a man, a few years ago. Well. ‘Knew’. He only met him once, but he’s known him many times. A flighty, fidgety fellow. The man was a mule, and a heroin addict. What little cash they gave him for smuggling drugs across the border always ended up in the hands of his dealer. And, it’s not like the people circulating the drugs were going to offer him any support, so the poor bastard always came crawling back. This man told Vincent he wasn’t an addict. That he could stop, if and when he wanted to. He’s fairly sure this man is no longer alive.

Vincent can pretend he doesn’t see the signs. He can lie to himself all the live-long day, but he’s not stupid. He’s shaken hands with career liars. And now his hands are shaking.

Leo’s been more restless recently, more irritable. Drastically so. It’s difficult to recognize him as the same man, sometimes. Especially when he hungers. There’s a part of him, the part of him that’s an esteemed federal agent, that wants to condescend, but he knows he has no place. He’s no fucking better. And, more than anything, he’s really just worried. Maybe he shouldn’t worry about the man who’s killing him slowly. But he does. It’s one of the only things he thinks about anymore. 

That, and… blood. Vincent doesn’t know which one of them thinks about his blood more, and he really doesn’t want to. Jesus Christ, he does not want to know.

It’s not necessarily his own blood that he thinks about, rather the general act of bloodletting. And how it affects the subject, the prey. And being prey. He thinks about being prey a lot. Which is worse, probably. It’s not like he can help it, though, not when Leo stares at him like a starved dog every hour of the day, salivating at just the sight of him. Vincent suppresses a shiver.

The engine drones on in the silence, and it’s still dark out. He’s pretty sure Leo doesn’t know he’s awake. It’s been difficult to stay asleep the past few nights; he can’t pretend he hasn’t connected those dots, as well. But this is a rare respite. An hour or two where he doesn’t have to squirrel away his thoughts. Which is good. This is good. He still feels drowsy, still warm and heavy-limbed, yet not entirely bound to the Earth by gravity.

One would think that a moderate dose of heroin would calm his mind for a little while. And yet.

That’s one of the things he hadn’t remembered, the first morning he’d woken up covered in his own blood. The toxin a vampire transmits into its prey’s bloodstream mimics morphine the same way heroin does. He’s not quite sure how, exactly. But even if he hadn’t recalled the information later, he can’t exactly ignore the fact that he’s high out of his mind right now.

Vincent’s an addict, by nature. One of the many things that runs in his family. It’s a miracle he hasn’t picked up anything but nicotine until now. But Gary hadn’t always been so lucky. His early twenties were a shit-show, and he could hardly hold onto a paycheck. He was good at hiding it, too. His captain had no clue. Vincent wouldn’t have known, either, if he hadn’t shrouded himself in deception his whole life. One day, he got a call from the PDFL — Gary hadn’t shown up to work for six days, no hide nor hair hinting at where he could have gone. Vincent just about had a heart attack. He told James not to investigate, he’d handle it and bring him back on his own. Not that he could promise that. But at that point, he had the billet and the respect to pull this one favor. 

After 77 hours of worrying himself physically sick, he found his brother in an honest-to-God crackhouse, and he decided enough was enough. Brought him home and spent the next few months working on sending him to Quantico. If anything was going to straighten him out, it was a step into the big leagues. A few outstanding recommendations and they took him. And, amazingly, it worked. Gary did his ten weeks and came back clean. From there, he thrived. A month before the sting, he was six years sober. Vincent had never been so proud.

Now, here he is. Decomposing.

The moon shines in on him, maybe his only friend right now. He wants a cigarette. He hasn’t had a cigarette since he started this mission, he realizes. Next stop, he could probably swipe a pack. 

It’s easy to fall into substance abuse after experiencing a tragedy like this. Two days after the funeral, his supervisor made him see a counselor. He’d lit up in the man’s office, and that’s what he said to him. It’s easy to fall into substance abuse after experiencing a tragedy like this. Like he didn’t already know that. Like he hadn’t seen it first-hand when his mother died. His whole family was alcoholics and junkies. The counselor was lucky a puff was all he wanted. 

Then again, hubris always had been Vincent’s undoing.

He wonders: if he dies out here, will anyone ever find him? Leo wouldn’t spare him the decency of a burial, and he wouldn’t deserve it anyway. Would he just dump him? Or stuff him in the trunk? He supposes it doesn’t matter. 

He blinks slowly at the stars as they blink back at him, his body a strange blend of dead tired and wide awake. His eyes fail to focus in the dark. That itch is back.

[eidolonshiva]

Playing into your "everyone gets saved" AU, how would Tanjiro and co. save Fumiko from her fate in hell? Or is she doomed because she passes before the Entertainment District? :(

Hi, anon. Thank you for the ask! Popping this under a cut as it turned out longer than I anticipated.

In canon, Fumiko doesn't get a happy ending - I love tormenting my ocs, lol. Since she passes before the start of the anime, she wouldn't have met Tengen and the kamaboko squad and would have been doomed to a life in hell.

In the AU I have where some of the demons are able to be converted to join the Demon Slayer Corp, Fumiko would have been brought to the Butterfly Mansion with the others to be used as a test subject for a drug to revert demonic cells back to human. As she has a stronger grasp on her humanity compared with other demons, she would take to the process quickly. As soon as she was able, she would have fled to her hometown to see if her father was still alive. Finding her former home now abandoned and having no family left, she would have resumed her responsibilities as an apothecary. Being that her tenure as a demon was so short, many of the inhabitants that still reside in the village would have recognized her and would be wondering where she was the past few years. She would have needed to make up a lie and claim that she was abducted and sold into factory work.

Fumiko would live with considerable guilt over her actions from when she was a demon, except now she wouldn't have her vice to help soothe her mind. She would try to push those thoughts to the back of her head as much as she was able and distract herself by focusing on her work, but being surrounded my constant reminders of her once happy life makes such things difficult. She knows that she cannot atone for her actions, but if she can focus on helping people maybe that can help assuage her guilt. She's not someone that would have wanted to have been saved and would have happily accepted the fate that awaited her in the afterlife.

Due to the shift in power dynamics, Fumiko's relationship with the Shabana siblings would become more strained than it already was. As humans, the pair has nothing to hold over her other than her affection and undying devotion to them. With Ume now being back in her 13 year-old body, the relationship would shift from the former oiran holding the power to the girl now seeing Fumiko as her caretaker. This would only worsen Fumiko's coddling of Ume as she would now truly be in the role of a little sister. Their bond would become stronger as Ume would need her "older sister" to take care of her while Fumiko would focus her efforts on proving for the girl as a distraction from her darker thoughts.

Gyutaro's relationship with Fumiko in the event they were to live their lives out as humans would be complicated. As he provided for her while they were demons, Fumiko providing for them as humans would balance out the scales. Gyutaro is someone that hates being indebted to others, and having the power balance shift is something that would annoy him. The pair would eventually get married (at Ume's insistence), if for no other reason that optics. I can see them settling into a comfortable existence with one another, but I don't see them every truly being happy due to their codependency. There are a lot of things that would go unaddressed between them that they would choose to ignore. And although Fumiko does genuinely love Gyutaro, I don't think he is capable of returning those affections.

This whole AU came about primarily because I like designing fan kids, so I do have two kids between Gyutaro and Fumiko: an older boy named Satoru and a little girl named Toshiko. Though, in all honesty, Gyutaro is likely sterile. The first pregnancy was an accident - with Fumiko's tokophobia, she would not willfully try to get pregnant and the experience would be traumatic for her. The second was planned as she knew how important it would be for Gyutaro to give their son a sibling. Although I don't think Gyutaro is capable for feeling genuine, healthy, romantic love for someone, I think he would be an excellent father. He already raised his little sister, and I think he would be just as devoted to his own children. They would want for nothing and he would do anything to keep them safe and happy.

All the above is more well thought-out from the original plan I had for the AU, lol. I just wanted to see some sitcom-level hijinks with Gyutaro and Tengen being a couple of dads who live next door to each other.

[capricornwriter5]

OUR SEESAW - Chapter 9

Pairing: Min Yoongi x female OC

Genre: idol au, Suga X female OC, smut, fluff, angst, college romance, friends to lovers, exes to lovers, happy ending. ⚠️Warning: mentions of mental health affections, drugs, explicit sex

Words: 6k

➳ Prev. Chapter

Chapter 9 - Stay

A few hours later, Yoongi was in front of his parents and older brother, who welcomed him with a warm hug. Meanwhile, his mother had been so moved to see her son again that she shed several tears.

“She doesn't look well…” Yoongi thought worriedly as the woman clutched him. He immediately looked at his brother, who nodded, understanding his concern, but that was not the time to talk about it.

His mother was so tired and her back was in so much pain that she quickly sat back down, and Yoongi was dismayed at how much it took her to find a position that didn't hurt. Instinctively, he looked at his father to make sure he was okay. Although he found the old man healthy enough, Yoongi did not see many traces of joy on his face; on the contrary, he perceived his father cold and even annoyed.

"Shit..." he thought with a sigh. "It's going to be a long night."

Fortunately for Yoongi, it was too late, his family had already had dinner and his parents needed to rest. Geumjae, on the other hand, didn't let him do anything when he already convinced the musician to go have a drink together at a small canteen near home.

“I still can't believe you're here! Why didn't you call earlier? I'd have gone to the station for you. Do you always have to be so mysterious about everything?”

Yoongi couldn't help but laugh at that comment, being mysterious was the last thing on his mind.

"I didn't want to bother you." 

"You never do, remember you're my baby brother." Geumjae tried to tease him by pinching his cheeks, but Yoongi was faster and managed to dodge.

“Hyung, I told you many times that it wouldn't be a good idea to come. Dad looked awkward."

“Dad ALWAYS looks awkward. Don't take it personally. Besides, you came here to see mom."

"About that... I didn't see her well. It hurts her to walk, even to sit. She has lost weight. And not only her, dad's thinner."

“He's worried about her, although you know him, he doesn't talk too much. Besides…" Geumjae stopped talking, but his nervous gaze gave him away.

"Come on, say it. I already know what you're thinking. That I could call more, come more often. Despite having left home, I still worry them.”

“You're their youngest son, Yoongi, they know practically nothing about you.”

“It's better that way, my life choices are far from our parents' like, they hate music. Do you think that calling them every day and reminding them that I'm still chasing the same dream will do them any good?”

“Disappearing doesn't do them any good either. And not just them, you can't deny that this affects you."

Of course it affected him, and not just because of the nostalgia of thinking about home. He was terribly worried about letting them down and never being able to give them the life he thought they deserved. His pride also spoke, Yoongi couldn't just give up and return home defeated. The path had been brutally steep and full of obstacles, only once had he come close to fulfilling his dreams, but he lost everything. The work of years, song lyrics, and melodies to which he had dedicated sleepless nights had been taken away by people he blindly trusted. But that didn't matter, he had to prove to himself that he could achieve his dream. He also had to show his parents that he was not wrong with his decisions. 

"Yoongi, what about the other thing? Are you feeling any better? You know what I mean."

Geumjae had witnessed a couple of anxiety attacks from his younger brother. Although Yoongi cleverly hid them from his parents, he hadn't had such luck with his brother. Naturally, knowing how serious they could be and the depression they brought, Geumjae worried about him. To make everything worse, Yoongi hardly talked about it or accepted help from anyone, so there was no way to offer him a hand.

“There are good days and others not so much.”

"You know that if you need to talk, I'm here, right?"

"I know it, hyung, but you don't have to worry, I'm fine."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Regarding mom, I think I'll have the money for her operation very soon.”

“Yoongi, you don't have to do everything alone. When are you gonna understand it? I also work, I…”

"You took care of the first therapy sessions, in addition to all the medical appointments, leave the operation to me."

“You did see how much that operation costs, right? We need to ask for a loan. You CAN'T pay it yourself.”

"I have savings, I'll sell the motorcycle, I don't know, something will come to mind. I'm just finishing with several songs a band asked me to produce, that will help."

Yoongi's orderly nature had allowed him to take on numerous responsibilities from a very young age; however, he could not deny that as the years passed, everything was more complicated. His parents' allowance was minimal, plus they had mortgaged the house, and with the money they had left, they could barely buy food. That was how Geumjae and Yoongi split everything up without their parents knowing. The musician had forced his older brother to swear he would tell them that his job allowed him to help them. However, while Geumjae paid the mortgage, Yoongi took care of the couple's rent, as well as the rest of the bills. Fortunately, the money the janitor gave him covered several months of his parents' rent, but he still had to pay half the rent for his apartment and all the expenses of living alone.

It was still very awkward for him to accept the money from Emmy's classes, in fact, he hadn't wanted to touch any of it, he told himself that it was the savings for his mother's operation, and that made him feel a little less uncomfortable, if that was possible.

"Okay, let's change that face. Let's stop talking about money, you know I hate that topic. I guess you have a lot to tell me, I can't remember the last time we drank a beer together. How are Jin and Namjoon doing? Is there something new in your many jobs? How are you doing in college?”

“Well, honestly, I don't have much to tell you. Jin and Namjoon are fine, work's still the same…everything's the same.”

Everything's the same? Please.... he had agreed to tutor someone, he had gone out to a party, and he had danced! In the last few weeks, he had laughed more than he had ever laughed in his entire life. He had gone back to carving, and a few hours ago, he had kissed the girl who made him lose his mind. Definitely, nothing was like before, but he was too introverted and reserved to say it like that.

However, something in Yoongi's tone, perhaps the fact that he didn't sound as melancholy as usual, made Geumjae raise both eyebrows. Turning to his brother, he stood idly by, waiting for him to talk some more. He knew how to convince the musician to open up a little more, and even though it was especially difficult, he managed to get it. That night was no exception, as Yoongi let out a small, telltale smile.

"You know that I can stay here all night waiting for you to talk."

“Hyung, you're truly annoying.” He said with a sigh. "I met someone." Yoongi confessed without taking his gaze from the beer. "And, well... you know, I think she kind of likes me too." The more he spoke, his voice dropped in pitch, becoming barely perceptible to Geumjae. It was obvious that Yoongi was head over heels for her.

“Oh wow! That's not what I expected!" Geumjae commented getting excited, especially because he got to see Yoongi's ears turning red. "And well? Who is she, what's her name, how did you meet her? Is it something serious? When do you want me to come so you can introduce her to me?”

Geumjae's intensity made Yoongi laugh and think he was as intense as Jin. “Don't go so fast, not even Emmy and I have talked about it. I just told you that I MET someone.”

"Emmy? That's a cute name! Do you have a picture? I want to see your girlfriend."

"I already told you she's not my…"

"How long have you been dating her?"

Resigned to his brother wanting all kinds of details, Yoongi preferred to change the subject before it got worse. Of course, he didn't make it, and Geumjae insisted all night to find out more about Emm. Deep down, Yoongi was grateful that they could talk about something else, the whole issue of his parents and the money made him very tense. He had to enjoy the peace of that night, for he knew that the next day, things would not be so simple with his parents. His father would not miss an opportunity to ask about his work.

************

The next day, Emmy woke up, and for the first time in her life, she did not wish for Christmas Eve to end soon. The girl bathed early, got ready, and left the house. She wanted to prepare something to eat, not buy something already prepared. Yet, when she saw herself in the supermarket, she realized that it was the first time she had done something like that. The girl didn't even know how to look for things or what the hell she was looking for.

If she hadn't been so clueless, she would have called Hoseok to help her, or Nara, but she forgot her cell phone at home. Fortunately, her outgoing personality allowed her to approach a woman and ask for her help. Minutes later, she was leaving with numerous bags,

"Time to start..." She thought when she managed to get home and leave all the bags in the kitchen.

************

On the other hand, the atmosphere at Yoongi's house had gotten too edgy since breakfast, his father wasted no time in starting with his hostile comments. As long as he didn't give his mother a hard time, Yoongi remained silent, but as the day continued, it was impossible for him not to answer back. At first, he tried to do it in the most respectful way; however, his father's words were escalating too fast. The worst came when Yoongi was trying to help his mother with lunch.

“Mom, please go rest. I'll continue with the rest." 

"Forget about it, you never come home, let me spoil you a bit and make your favorite food.”

"Let him cook, even let him work on that if he wants, anything's better than what he does." Yoongi's father commented loud enough for not only his wife and youngest son to hear, but also Geumjae and his girlfriend, who had come to visit.

"Let me do it," Yoongi asked barely audible to his mother, but his jaw was tense enough to express how furious he was.

"I already told you no."

When the woman tried to continue cooking, she made a movement that turned out to be a bit abrupt for her, and Yoongi clearly saw the grimace on her face.

"Mom... please."

"It's okay, it was nothing."

"You need to rest, you can't push yourself that much."

"Why not?" 

Yoongi was not supposed to know anything about the therapies, much less about the operation, but it was so notorious that Geumjae told him, that it wasn't his father who got upset, but his mother. She was aware of how difficult her youngest son's life was, so she got extremely upset with Geumjae to add extra weight. Yet, Yoongi's mother's personality was as calm and kind as her son's, so it was no surprise that they were capable to handle the situation well and avoid an argument. Meanwhile, the old man did not stop and continued with the conversation related to Yoongi's life decisions.

“I'm telling you this because I'm worried you won't have a future, just like me! You think my word doesn't matter because I'm an old man with no education."

“Dad, that's not what it's about, I've never thought like that. I just want to give myself a chance and…”

"A chance? You have years chasing something that will NOT happen! Better go back home and take charge of the workshop, or study something else.”

“I'm not going to study anything else, and I'm NOT going back home.”

"Were you so unhappy here?"

"Dad, please. Today's not the day, it's the first time Yoongi has come in a long time.” Geumjae added, trying to calm things down a bit.

“Stop giving him hope where the's none, Geumjae! Don't you realize that he'll be a failure all his life? Someone has to make him see reason!"

"I won't be a failure, I've told you countless times. I know I can do it, I know I have what it takes."

“You're wasting your life. If you're going to continue with that stupid mentality, don't come home. You embarrass me."

"Dad!" Geumjae said. “How do you tell him that when it's Yoongi who..?”

"Don't, hyung," Yoongi ordered getting up from the chair.

“Your mother has always been silent and your brother continues to support you with ideas that do NOT make sense! Someone has to tell you to stop this foolishness."

“Yoongi knows what he's doing with his life, he has told you in many ways. He has been more than respectful, dad, but you also have to know how things are.”

"Geumjae." Yoongi warned with a gloomy look, not only did he feel how everything was escalating more and more, but his anxiety was already starting to appear, and all he wanted was to get out of there and never talk about it again. "I told you that it was enough."

“Yoongi's mature and responsible enough to have taken over the rent for this house, as well as the other bills.”

Geumjae was finishing saying that when Yoongi closed his eyes holding the doorknob. He had been so close to being able to leave before everything got worse...

************

The hours passed quickly and soon it was ten o'clock at night. Emmy was struggling with her oven, having been trying to figure out how to preheat it without causing another accident, when suddenly there was a knock on her door. Next, she heard how it opened slowly and when she turned her head, she could see Yoongi on the edge of the door. He had a few bags, in addition to the suitcase that she had seen before.

The musician's gaze slightly brightened up the moment he saw the girl's smile; however, there was still a trace of the consequences of the visit home. That was how Emmy ran towards him and opening the door even more, she hugged him tightly.

"I hope you don't mind that I took you at your word to come." He whispered in her ear and smiling gratefully to feel the warmth of Emmy's hug.

"The door was open for you." Emmy's response was accompanied by a caress on Yoongi's cheek.

"Can we close it now?"

"I promise you no one else will enter." She assured kissing his forehead and helping him with everything he brought.

Yoongi did no more than enter when the scene he saw moved him so much that it made him smile tenderly. Emmy had been waiting for him, so she had set the table for the two of them. Also, just by glancing around the kitchen, he knew that she had tried to cook, but hadn't succeeded, hence the chaos.

"Emm, did you get burned?" He asked sure of it due to the smell of burnt food.

"No, but I'm afraid to keep trying. I burned more than half of the things I bought." The girl laughed at how unskilled she was in the kitchen.

"Don't worry, we'll do it together."

That would be Emmy's first Christmas dinner in years, so she didn't stop smiling for a single moment. The illusion and emotion caused by having the musician there with her made Yoongi have to save her from more than one accident. If it wasn't with the knives, it was again the oven or even the kitchen. Even so, he didn't stop smiling either, besides that, his heart didn't give him a truce and kept beating fast.

Fortunately, Yoongi had brought ingredients; actually, he was able to replace everything Emmy burned. The first thing they did was to wash the vegetables, but when they were about to chop them, Yoongi immediately came up behind her to explain how to do it without losing a finger in the process.

“Keep a good grip on the knife and move your other hand away.” With the directions of Yoongi, Emmy could do everything without any difficulty. “Great, we're almost done. Can you chop the carrots while I finish preparing the meat?”

“Carrots? No, they're disgusting, I don't like them. Let's use more chives."

“We need the carrots. By the way, be careful because we haven't picked up those glasses from the ground yet. I'll finish with this and pick them up. DO NOT go near here. Emm, are you listening to me?" The girl had already set the carrots aside while she searched for more chives. “No more chives, it won't taste good.”

“Of course it will taste good! You want to put boring vegetables on it.”

“And what are the fun vegetables supposed to be? Because I can't remember the last time a potato told me a joke." Yoongi spoke with a frown and crossed arms. And his tone became even more serious when, according to him, he was explaining to Emmy all the properties carrots had and why it was important to eat them.

"You're an old man, old men like carrots."

"What? Are you listening to yourself? Nothing you say makes any sense. If you ate healthier, you would understand.” He said taking a bag of carrots and putting them in front of the girl.

"I'm sorry, grandpa, I can't chop your delicious carrots because I can't find the knife."

"I'm not a…forget it." He tried to find the knife they had been using among Emmy's mess. “Did you really lose it again? But I don't understand, a minute ago you had it in your hands."

Yoongi and Emmy lifted everything in the kitchen to find the knife; however, it seemed that it had disappeared. Emmy kept saying that Yoongi had moved it, while he said that she had hidden it so as not to chop the carrots, no one had noticed that it was under the chopping board.

"Maybe it's around here." She tried to lift a pot heavy enough that Yoongi had to help her. The couple tried to push some things away; however, the only thing they got was that the carrots ended up falling on the glass.

“You did it on purpose, right? All because of your senseless hatred of carrots."

"You did it on purpose, right?" She imitated Yoongi talking like an old man and when Yoongi realized that he actually sounded like that, he let out a laugh that rang throughout the kitchen. 

Also, it was the first time he had seen Emmy slightly upset and Yoongi had no idea that she could fight like a little girl, she even gently pushed him to pick up the mess of carrots and glass, but she kept repeating that it had been an accident.

"And you know what I'm gonna do? Next Christmas I'm going to give you boxes and boxes of carrots. That's what you earned for being a bitter old man and a liar."

By way of apology, Yoongi crouched down on the same level as Emmy and trying to suppress a smile, offered her a chive. Soon, they were both laughing at how ridiculous the argument had been.

Stopping her from picking up the glass, Yoongi carefully lifted Emmy up.

"I told you I wouldn't be much help in the kitchen."

"What are you talking about? They were just some stupid carrots.” He responded with his raspy voice and a smirk on his face capable of making Emmy even forget what they were talking about.

A split second was all the couple needed before they lost themselves in a kiss. Knowing that no one would interrupt them that night, and that they had truly closed the door to be totally alone, both Yoongi and Emmy decided that they would enjoy every kiss, caress, and smile with every particle of their being.

Ever since he left Emmy's house, Yoongi had daydreamed about kissing her again. Even before kissing her, the girl occupied most of his thoughts, but having tasted her lips had been like giving him just a hint of what awaited him at her side. Now, holding her in his arms and feeling how the girl responded to each caress, Yoongi kissed her with even more passion than the first time.

Even though Yoongi was not good with words, and at first sight he would have given all the signs that physical affection was not his favorite thing, to Emmy's surprise, the musician knew how to express himself perfectly well through kisses and caresses. Everything that involved making love was Yoongi's thing and Emm was about to find out that night.

Among the surprises that the musician hid was his arms' strength.

Just as the simplest thing for him, Yoongi took the girl by the legs and sit her at the table. Next, he directly attacked Emm's neck, he was devouring it with kisses that forced her to hold onto his shoulders as she moaned. If she wasn't moaning, she was sexily giggling at the tickling of Yoongi's tongue on her neck. Meanwhile, the musician's hands were trembling, desire had taken over him and he was dying to take Emmy's clothes off, but he had to go calmly, not for him, but for her.

Emmy noticed the fire coming from Yoongi's hands on her thighs, waiting for the slightest signal from her to continue, and the signal came when the girl caught him off guard and bit his lower lip. The next thing Emmy felt was the pianist's hands traveling under her shirt, caressing her abs, and catching her breasts in his hands. Soon, Emmy's shirt and bra had already disappeared, allowing the musician to drive her crazy and make her want him to continue. With perfectly measured force and pressure, Yoongi was feasting on the girl's breasts, biting and licking them.

“Yoongi…” she called before licking and gently biting his earlobe.

"Do you want us to stop?" He asked with a tone of voice that led the girl to bite her lip, she had never heard him speak more seriously and raspy than at that moment.

"Of course not." She responded making him smile and approach her neck again. "So what's wrong, you don't like it?"

"I love it, but I want you to come with me."

Getting off the table, Emm took Yoongi's hand and made him follow her. The musician was madly bewitched by her, so much so that he could have sworn that those steps between the kitchen, the stairs, and Emmy's room were torture for him. However, seeing the comfort of Emm's room, especially her bed, Yoongi understood why they were there. That night neither of them wanted to keep anything to themselves, and they would only do that by being as comfortable as possible.

The connection that Emmy and Yoongi had from the beginning in front of the piano was surpassed by the one they had that night in bed. They were both aware of how much they wanted to touch, taste, and even take over every inch of the other's body, but they would have all night for that, and at that moment, what they both wanted most was something else. Thus, without thinking of anything else at all, they took it upon themselves to disappear all the clothes, and as soon as Yoongi cornered Emmy on the bed, he gave her a stare she would never forget. If the girl had thought that Yoongi had devoured her with his gaze when they danced, that night he showed her that it had been nothing, because his feline eyes and the way he took his crotch by getting closer to her were simply unforgettable.

Arching her back, Emmy moaned as she felt how every centimeter of the musician's body enter on hers. Those first few seconds of feeling Yoongi inside her were enough to turn Emmy's world upside down. It was as if all her previous sexual encounters did not happen, as if she was starting her sex life all over again, but this time with him, with the correct person. The combination of how well the musician moved, how wonderful their bodies felt together, how exquisite it felt to have Yoongi so close, and how hopelessly in love she was led to Emmy having the best night of her life.

The musician turned out to be an incredibly passionate lover, not snapping at things or seeming to lose control awkwardly; on the contrary, each movement of Yoongi's hips, each kiss, even each moan, and glance were calculated to be unforgettable and to mark Emm's life. He didn't limit himself to one position, he had too much to prove to the girl, too much love and desire.

As he turned her back to him and positioned himself on top of her, Yoongi grabbed her hands on top of her head and smirked hearing his name coming out of her lips. With every hip thrust while he went in and out of her, Yoongi not only groaned in her ear, but also let her know that from that night on, she would be in his arms forever. Yoongi was no joking when he said he was not willing to share her; therefore, just a single thought of another person in her bed made Yoongi burn inside. 

They both knew that they couldn't keep up that pace for much longer, the pleasure was too much to handle, and they were getting closer to experiencing the best orgasm of their lives.

"Turn around, baby, I want to see your face," Yoongi ordered biting her earlobe and carefully pulling out his body from her.

HE, the person who avoided eye contact the most, dreamed of being able to see the face of the girl he had fallen in love with when they had their first orgasm together. The intensity of the feelings they experienced that night as they reached their limit together and looked into each other's eyes would be unmatched by any other event in their lives. Emmy and Yoongi gave absolutely everything of themselves that night, it was not even necessary for them to speak, for the smile they gave each other when they were out of breath made it clear that they were not playing, what they had was not something casual or superficial.

Exhausted, they lay in the comfort of the pillows. Both tried to recover the normality of their breathing, but without moving away. Making any effort other than breathing was exhausting for the couple, but Yoongi managed it, and spoke in her ear.

"Emm, are you alright? It's the first time you've been silent for so long." Yoongi's question caused her to laugh very softly and raise her face so she could look at him.

"You just left me without any words." The musician gave her that adorable smile that she liked so much and almost immediately she snuggled back into his arms.

They didn't say anything for a while, just rested. The comfort felt in each other's arms was so satisfying that they were about to fall asleep, especially Emmy. Yoongi's chest turned out to be THAT place anyone wanted to rest on; it was warm and welcoming, but also firm and safe. Also, feeling the musician's fingers caressing the soft skin of Emmy's arms and shoulders was lulling. Surely the girl could have stayed there forever, and so could he, but there was something he still had to do.

"No..." the girl complained when she felt him move stealthily. "Yoongs, don't go." She begged.

"I won't leave." He assured approaching with a smile to kiss her lips. "I'll just go get something, stay resting."

He knew that if he gave her time to say something else, Emmy would convince him to stay, so he took just what he needed of clothing and left the room. A few minutes passed in which the girl remained hugging the pillow that Yoongi had been using; however, she wanted him back and ended up covering herself with the sheet to go looking for him. However, Emmy hadn't even finished adjusting the sheet when he came back in, this time with a tray with two glasses and two small plates.

“Where were you going, freckles? I told you to stay in bed."

"What…?"

"Just in time." He sat in front of her and offered the glass. Emmy hadn't realized that among all the things Yoongi brought, he had bought something to toast. "Merry Christmas, precious." He said at the same time that the clock began to chime, it was already midnight.

They both toasted with their glasses, but not even the fine material they were made of shone like the eyes of the couple. So, that was how it felt to spend Christmas with someone special... that was the thought of Yoongi and Emmy before kissing one last time and having dinner in bed.

"You didn't use carrots," the girl commented unable to avoid laughing as she saw what Yoongi prepared.

“As long as you like the food, I'll like it too. I didn't cook for myself, after all, this Christmas was for you." He responded by winking at her.

"Also for you." She replied passing her hand through the musician's dark hair. "I was thinking a lot about you, I wanted everything to work with your parents, but I also wanted you to come."

"Is that why you went to buy so many things?" Yoongi raised his gaze and fixing it on her, he observed how the freckles on Emmy's cheeks became more noticeable due to the reddish tone that her face had acquired. A few moments of silence followed in which Emmy was aware that Yoongi was struggling with himself and his lousy ability to express himself. Finally, he found the words to say what he was thinking, or at least the words that were closest to what he wanted to express. "Regardless of whether it had worked or not, it'd have come back to you, I knew you were waiting for me. This is the first time someone prepares something like this for me. No one had welcomed me like this.” Not wanting to overwhelm him with words, Emmy gave him a peck on the cheek. She understood how touched and happy he felt, there was no need for Yoongi to say anything else. "Let's eat, freckles. I hope you enjoy your carrot-free dinner."

That Christmas was the complete opposite of what they had imagined. While the girl had visualized herself eating instant soup and then looking for a party, Yoongi had resigned himself to an awkward night with his family. However, fate taught them a lesson that night about how everything could change at the most unexpected moment. Contrary to what they had anticipated, they were now enjoying a small dinner in Emmy's bed, both still half-naked and disheveled. On Emmy's neck and clavicle several of the marks that Yoongi had left on her stood out, and on his back, there were traces of Emmy's nails, from when she held on to him. But in addition to the sensuality of the scene, love filled the room, it was something undeniable.

"Yoongs, do you want to talk about what happened at your parents' house?"

Yoongi's first impulse led him to shake his head negatively; however, after a few minutes of silence, he spoke. In truth, opening up to Emmy wasn't that difficult.

“Mom's in a lot of pain, she's not having a good time. About dad…” A deep sigh interrupted his words. “He still hates music. And my brother, well, he spoke more than necessary, not with bad intentions, Geumjae would never do something like that. Anyway, I think I left home worse than the first time. Dad's so sure about my imminent failure, that sometimes he gets to make me doubt."

Emmy watched as her piano professor finished drinking what was left in his glass before fixing his dark eyes on it. Maybe, if she hadn't done what she did, Yoongi would have lost himself thinking about everything that was happening at home; but that didn't happen, since Emmy took the glass out of his hands so she could grab them. 

“You're a fabulous musician. I know that things haven't been easy for you, but everything will be fine. You can get anything you set your mind to, maybe you just need to change your strategy and stop being so self-sufficient." Yoongi listened carefully as his girl played with his hands. "If you weren't such a grumpy cat, you'd notice that there are people who truly care about you and are willing to lend you a hand. Just let us do it, Yoongs. Don't give up yet, I won't let you do it and you should know me well enough by now to know how headstrong I can be." Even though he was serious, Yoongi showed her his gummy smile. “Whenever you want to talk about what's going on with your mom, I'll be here, there has to be something we can do to help her. I know very good doctors, maybe we could ask them for a second opinion. And regarding your brother... I don't blame him, I've also screwed up many things by speaking without thinking. You should know that by now too…”

Yoongi looked at his girl in a way that Emmy could swear he was capable of reading her soul. He knew that she meant everything, the help she offered was honest, but, on top of that, just the fact that she took the time to listen to him caused Yoongi's chest to feel warm. 

"I like you, Emm, I like you a lot." He confessed with a sweet smile and delicately running his thumb over her cheeks' freckles. "But you should know that by now."

"Hmm... no, not really." She joked provoking Yoongi's eyes to widen, thinking that maybe he hadn't shown it enough while they were making love. “You could prove it again…”

With a smirk on his face, Yoongi put aside everything that could get in the way and dedicated all night to showing Emm how much he liked her. 

Luckily, the next morning he didn't have to work, as both Yoongi and Emmy only slept for a couple of hours. Yoongi could be very calm in his day to day, and the truth was that when he slept with other girls, he didn't remember having a night like that; however, having sex with the girl he truthfully liked was a different thing. 

Not long before exhaustion finally overcame them, Emmy opened her eyes when she felt the musician wrapping her up with the blanket. 

"You'll leave once I fall asleep, right?"

"Do you want me to do it?" In response, the girl shook her head, she genuinely didn't want to see him go.

She was dying to ask him not to leave, but if there was one thing that terrified Emmy, it was asking for that. She had stopped doing it from a very young age, after so many abandonments, the girl simply trembled just thinking about asking someone to stay by her side again and having to see that person leave. However, the sweet look that Yoongi dedicated her, accompanied by a smile, made it clear that he was willing to stay for as long as she allowed him.

“Freckles…” he called, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. “We already said that we had closed the door, don't you remember? I have no intention of opening it.”

Grateful that Yoongi understood one of her biggest fears, Emm pulled him back to her side and snuggled into him. 

"Thank you." She thought feeling the last kiss the musician gave her on the forehead before falling asleep.

➳ Next chapter

[bayernteen]

Hi guys... 🥺

I haven’t had a chance to really think about my thoughts on the death of Liam Payne up until now. And the fact that social media has definitely failed him prior to his death, and especially now has really angered me, so this I really need to mention. 

First of all, I would like to send my sincere condolences to Karen, Geoff, Nicola, Ruth, Cheryl and Bear, and especially to the people around him who knew very well. I cannot bear to experience the amount the pain that they are going through right now. Having come from a family of whom I have lost my grandfather seven years ago, this pain will definitely sit with them for a long time, and my heart definitely goes out to them. But it is not just the close family and friends that are experiencing this huge loss, it is my teenage childhood that is mourning as well. I have been in love with One Direction since 2015, which may be odd because we all remembered that Zayn Malik left the band, and it may be also odd that we remembered that the band would take a hiatus a year later. But never would there be a time where we have to prepare for such a tragic event in our lives, than what happened over a week ago. 

I am not going to be explaining the realities of what life will be without Liam, nor explaining on if he was a bad person based on the things he did in the past, as many fans are pointing that out on social media, but what I will say is this: Liam was not just a band member, or a singer, or a celebrity, he was a humble person. He was a father, a son, a brother, and a true friend. He has been an amazing father to his son Bear, and now he will have to face the reality of seeing his father at his funeral, which is something that us humans wouldn’t wish to deal with at a young age. What really matters to us, is that Liam is a human being like all of us, and I feel that there were regrets already made about how we react to other people’s mental health, especially on social media. After seeing tons of negative posts prior to his death, this goes on to show that there is a lack of protection for his family members when they really wanted to grieve someone in private, and I’m afraid that if a celebrity passes away and bad things about someone’s life is revealed to the public, this will have a negative effect on their lives in the future. 

Therefore, I cannot stress this enough as I did many times in Formula 1 (and unfortunately there are some F1 fans who want to spread negativity towards others to this day). If we are going to be spreading a lot of negativity and conspiracies towards Liam’s family and friends, the One Direction band, or cause any harm towards the celebrities who honour him, then you’re in the wrong place for that. Now is not the time to abuse celebrities on social media because of their mental health, or their past mistakes, or their addiction to drugs. And unfortunately today, there are people today in the previous generation who are very unaware of the privacy that plays a role in our daily lives, compared to today’s generation. In the end, the negative thoughts that I have been seeing in the past week about his death is truly unacceptable, and in the end, not only the media needs to do better, but we need to do better. Yes, we do have our messy eras of life, and it may not be the way we wanted it to be, but right now we have to be there for his family, friends and fans, rather than cause harm towards each other. Let his family mourn in peace, not just during this phase and the funeral, but in the aftermath as well. We have seen that prior to Liam’s death, the negative comments has affected his life and his state of mind. Everybody may have an opinion to this, but one thing is for sure. It is always best to be kind. 

With that being said, my heart goes out not only to his family, but every single fan who is mourning for a true band member who knows what it means to devote his life to music. It is a shame that today’s fame has failed us at a crucial time in this era. Liam’s death has served us a reminder that life is too short, and that we need to enjoy today with our loved ones, because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I am proud of anybody who chose to respect his legacy, because in the end that is all he ever wanted. I wish that there was more time for him to show our support. I really wish there was. 

But for now, that is all I will say on my thoughts to honour his memory. Hopefully by the time I post this, life will be a lot better than what social media predicts, and that I should return back to my default factory settings where everything was positive and everyone was supporting one another. 

May your soul rest in peace, Liam. Fly with the angels! 🕊️🥺😢😭🌹❤️🖤

Take care! 👋🏽

[beardedmrbean]

This is the shocking moment police found firearms a cowardly gangster hid inside his children’s underwear drawers in south London.

Danny Butler, 44, recklessly stashed six guns, ammunition and drugs at the home he shared with his wife and three daughters, one of whom was just 18-months-old.

Details of Butler’s arrest emerged as figures show nearly half of shootings investigated by the Metropolitan Police go unsolved.

Detectives declared war on underworld armourers bringing death and injury to the capital’s streets.

Sebastiaan James-Kraan, 20, died after being shot by a group of men in Hanwell on June 9.

A nine-year-old girl is still fighting for life following a drive-by shooting in Dalston, one of at least six people injured in four attacks across barely two weeks.

Last year alone, 386 illegal firearms were seized in London – more than one a day.

At Butler’s home in New Park Road, Tulse Hill three handguns, one of which was loaded, were discovered in the girls’ clothes drawer.

Another pistol and a pump action sawn-off shotgun was in their parents’ wardrobe, along with a large amount of ammunition.

A second sawn-off shotgun was found in a coat cupboard.

Further searches uncovered Class B drugs lying on the floor of the living room which were easily accessible to toddler. Police seized Class A drugs kept inside a TV unit and coat cupboard.

On April 22, Butler was jailed for 18 years at Croydon Crown Court for possession of firearms with intent to endanger life and having drugs with intent to supply.

Officers alerted Lambeth social services immediately due to the safeguarding risk presenting the children.

Detective Superintendent Victoria Sullivan described Butlers’ actions as “reckless”, adding: “It’s really sad to see an example of gangs taking advantage of vulnerable people in our communities to store firearms for them.

“Our investigation led to officers removing a dangerous man from our streets, and protecting vulnerable children.

“Significant weapons were found in the house which could have been used to potentially kill or injure others.”

Jackie Taylor’s son Tyrese Miller, 22, was fatally shot in a case of mistaken identity as he returned from an evening at the pub with friends in Croydon in April last year. Two men have been convicted for their roles.

Ms Taylor said: “No mother should have to bury their son like I have.

“What happened to Tyrese has changed all of us. None of us will ever really come to terms with what has happened.

“I worry that if this can happen to Tyrese, it can happen to anyone.

“Once you met Tyrese, you never forgot him. He was loved. He was the centre of our family. He had friends everywhere.

“Sometimes it was easier to say who he didn’t know. For someone that lived such a short life, he meant an incredible amount to so many of us.”

Commander Paul Brogden, who is responsible for the Met’s Specialist Crime, said: “Guns destroy lives and communities.

“The recent shootings in parts of London are a sad reminder that there is still work for us to do when it comes to cracking down on illegal firearms, and my thoughts are with those affected.

“The Met’s sustained work on firearms shows our commitment to making London a safer place.

“We will continue to build trust in the communities disproportionately impacted by these offences and remain relentless in our pursuit of criminals that use and supply firearms.

“Our progress should serve as a message to criminals and gang members using firearms —we will come after you, and we will bring you to justice.”

He added officers are dismantling serious and organised crime groups who pose the greatest harm.

This has led to a 15-year low in firearms offences.

However, the proportion of Met cases that end with an offender facing prosecution has hit 52 per cent, which is the highest rate in 11 years, but leaves 48 percent unsolved.

Detectives believe this is partly due to fear preventing witnesses coming forward or sharing vital evidence including doorbell footage, and the fact that some victims want to get revenge themselves rather than co-operate with the police.

Since March 2023, there has been a reduction from 196 firearms offences in the previous 12 months to 145.

Gun murders have reduced from 12 in 2021, to 10 in 2022 and eight last year.

Across Harrow, Brent and Barnet in west London, there hasn’t been a single fatal shooting since 2020, compared to at least one a year since 2014.

In those boroughs over the last four years, 80 people have been charged with various firearm offences, with 64 of them convicted resulting in a total of 367 years in jail.

Specialist officers achieved a 44 per cent cut in gun crime in Lambeth and Southwark in south east London.

Around half of shootings in the city are believed to be linked to gangs.

Det Supt Sullivan added: “Often the victim themselves who’s been shot do not want to divulge to police and that might be because they’re seeking retribution themselves.

“So potentially today’s victim could be tomorrow’s suspect. And that’s why it’s really important that we act really, really quickly to try and dissolve that situation.”

An increasing number of shootings involve converted blank firearms, originally designed for non-lethal purposes such as bird-scaring, that are converted into deadly weapons.

Around 46 per cent of the 386 weapons seized by the Met last year were converted blank firers.

[tallmantall]

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Formerly incarcerated at higher risk of suicide — even years after prison release, study finds

by Rachel Crumpler In working with this population, Funderburg said she repeatedly sees how a person’s criminal conviction history — or as she says, the “scarlet F of felon” — affects job prospects, housing options, relationships and more. “The barriers that people face and the biases that people are so anchored to in our society are certainly conditions ripe for someone to not only consider but attempt extreme measures of dealing with that, including suicide,” Funderburg said. While Funderburg said she has not worked with a formerly incarcerated person who has died by suicide, she said she has witnessed many people face repeated challenges that can be emotionally distressing and hard to overcome.  At some point, formerly incarcerated people hope to reach a place of stability with their needs met, Funderburg said. But when that day takes longer than anticipated — or never comes — she said she could see how someone could get to a place where they just don’t want to do it anymore. “When you think about three years out, how many job applications have been rejected? Funderburg said. “How many times have you not been able to get the services that you need around medical care management or other things? How many family relationships have not been restored? What is your economic situation?” During the reentry process, failures are magnified, Scott said. They can certainly lead to frustration, depression and even suicide. For example, Scott described a low he faced when his dad took him to the DMV after his release to get a driver’s license. Since it was the height of the COVID pandemic, the DMV wasn’t offering road tests and he was told he would have to get a learner’s permit. Scott said that felt like a huge blow to regaining his autonomy. He didn’t know how he would be able to rebuild his life or get a job. “I kind of dwelt in that co-space of anger and depression for a while. Everybody goes through that sometimes on a much more extreme level than I did,” he recalled. “It made me mad enough that it compelled me to action and so I wrote a letter to the head of the DMV, to the head of the Department of Transportation and then also to Governor Cooper and said just like, ‘How do you expect me to rebuild my life? You talk about second chances.’” About a week later, Scott said he heard back from a DMV official and got a driver’s license. Overcoming that obstacle was euphoric, Scott said. But not all obstacles go away like this, he added. #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub Need to increase support Fitch said she hopes the study’s findings can be used to direct more targeted suicide prevention efforts, particularly toward vulnerable segments of this population. Given the long-term sustained risk of suicide years after release, Fitch emphasized that post-release suicide prevention efforts must go beyond prisons and community supervision. “I think that’s a tempting place to say, ‘Oh, we can deliver suicide prevention services while they’re still being supervised by the criminal legal system.’ But I think it’s apparent due to the fact that suicide risk is sustained for such a long period of time that we have to think about more higher level structural issues and address the root causes of why formerly incarcerated people are so disadvantaged in society.” Fitch said next steps to address systemic issues include housing, education and employment support, improved access to health care through Medicaid expansion and post-release enrollment programs, along with preventing a return to incarceration.  Funderburg agrees that it will take changes in society to create an environment that allows formerly incarcerated people to move forward in their lives, and she’s encouraged to see increased momentum around reentry support. Gov. Roy Cooper issued a January executive order initiating a whole-of-government approach to improving reentry support.  “We live in a society where the general consensus and the bias around a person with a criminal background is that you’re othered,” Funderburg said. “You’re over there. Go figure it out.  “I think it only contributes to options that a person might explore that sort of bends in some cases toward ending it all.” Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com Read the full article

[lostmyjets]

I often find myself reflecting on the past. I have always struggled with holding on to things— people, places, memories. Whether it be too much or not enough, I fail to find a good balance.

I always tell people I wouldn’t take back my experiences because they have made me stronger, but I admit it’s a front. I admit that I’m damaged. Not beyond repair but it’s difficult for me to find the strength within to surpass it all.

I admit that I’m insecure. I never feel like I’m enough no matter what anyone says. I’m a people pleaser. I want you to think I don’t care what anyone thinks, but I care more than most; more than I should. I try to satisfy people because maybe if I’m exactly what they want me to be I’ll somehow be enough for myself.

I admit that I’m not a good friend. I have so much love in my heart but I struggle with reaching out. I resent myself for not being able to show up more for the people I care about. I often fear being left behind. On the other hand, I know there are so many people I’ve had love for that I simply never spoke to again. We never actually catch up when we say we will.

I admit that I’ve hurt people. I never wanted to but my actions can sometimes be selfish. I think I spent so much of my life not giving a fuck about being alive that I programmed myself to shut down, to shut out, even when I don’t really want to.

Every once in a blue moon I read the news articles from my abuser’s arrest over 10 years ago. I came upon a news article I didn’t recall seeing before and began obsessively digging for a specific press release and court documents to no avail. I hid it from my boyfriend while he laid next to me because I didn’t know how I would explain why I had to find it so badly— I don’t know why.

I still can’t bring myself to reconnect with anyone on that side of my family. My grandma misses me and I miss her but it’s so fucking complicated. Everyone else stopped trying to reach out a long time ago.

My biological mom makes me feel like the most evil person on the planet— rejecting a sick mother begging for my love. But she rejected a sick child literally screaming out for help, begging to be heard. I can’t find it within myself to forgive her excuses for being a bad mother. She’s dying and it haunts me that we may never reconnect again.

I remember being jealous of kids with visual illness. I was rotting from the inside and nobody could see me— I craved the love and attention and affection I watched those kids receive. I actually thought “maybe if I have cancer people will give a fuck about me.” I think I still have some of that mindset engrained in me.

I’ve spent the past year trying to heal from a relationship that put me back in a place I hadn’t been in a long time. I spent the better part of a year trying to prove to myself that this specific man could love me. I tried to find my worth in him. Instead he broke me and before too long I was completely emotionally unstable. I cried more often than not. I was miserable and I believe he wanted me to be. He felt that I deserved it. I know he still believes that I cheated on him and lied about being raped and that pisses me off.

I tried to take my own life and when that didn’t work I numbed myself with drugs so much that I put a dime-sized hole in my septum. That hole in my nose is a daily reminder of everything I went through and I fucking hate it.

I haven’t been the best at relationships since being with him. I dated someone who was almost too good to me because it was such a polar opposite from what I had just been through. He was a great guy but I began seeing my childhood abuser in his face. I told myself to look past it and shoved it all down and stayed with him. One night he was waiting for me to come home from the bar and I went home with someone else. I cheated on him and that was really fucked up of me. I own up to that.

I’m with someone I love so much now but I’m petrified of the ball that always seems to drop.

Life is fucking hard man. I get stuck a lot. I dwell. I can’t let some things go and let other things fall away too easily.

I just needed to dump my thoughts somewhere. Here’s a peek into my brain if you care.

[sporadicarbitergardener]

October 12 , 2023

22 Americans were murdered this past weekend on a terrorist's affect and they are on the verge of world war three because the Biden Administrations is at a 50/50 on what to do.

Faith is being attacked right now and that will transcend down to generations down with faith and right now alot of my people doens't have faith and is participating in the crazy antics of gossip and game play while we are literally having issues with Israel. This means they may start drafting men from home for war to go fight and leave their families at home with no other choice either as well. This really is scary times right now and we are in Revelations and this is the first year of it. The ephorates river is dried up and the Red sea has done turned red.

Right now the federal administration is doing a investigation towards Donald Trump but reality he was the best president in history for Israel when it came down to border control and putting his American people first. Border control is poor right now. There is no money right now America is in the slumps of the times of America falling into the pattern and now being 24 and seeing it while learning the book of Proverbs this life battle with faith , prayer reality and trying to heal while get a a head hurts.

I am not political affiliated or even a judgmental person I speak , type and think way different than many and sometimes I will get stuck in it and also go all over the place.

I can say some of my beliefs in certain human rightsd with funding has changed here recently because right now we are on verge of Wolrd Wwar three.

Money is being wasted on. Sex cahnge surgery, plastic surgery, etc etc. Certain needs are needed . Yes , right now we are all in the middle of the next election year of what life is going to do .

I read the story of St. Felicita and Perputa at the time or Roman ruling . Same birthday as well. Discovered this study in January of this year while I was taking Adderall medication . On it or now. It was seen.

Called it out even at the

Lafreniere Park in metairie of this year as well. Freaked out my ex- boyfriend when I was reading it out to him and he was feeling the way of it.

He even seen it also while he was driving and the voodoo magic was coming out every where we went as we did our thing for both our girls while both being caught in a lost way in a game with drugs. Me trying to stop him from going to jail or him get in trouble . ( I no longer give a shit about a relationship with the person mentioned) thios is my personal blog of my story trying to build myself . Even last night while doing my journals I felt a cold presence on my hair.

My dauhgter's God mother even posted on Facebook saying how she felt a presence with "niece" and even wrote a word dialogue story of how my daughter said " there is no food or drank in here" reality she is doing me a favor while I am following whatever path a keyboard can bring me and , writing and practicing my place as a woman as the days go on .

This life does feel like a testimony while remaining humble. I want to do and be more , go back to school and advance. But I can see why life holds back alot because when you lose your kid and you also have alot go evil things your way because of hatered and no understanding .

Prayer and staying within Christ is the biggest key. I like to live my way of learning for women "Women who read, are women who Lead." its encouraging because even now as so many people is in debt and holding back and waiting to grow or be something bigger. We all want a gain even if it is some kind of audience, or people who give support online .

We as a country really are more blessed than a majority because it can be worse. We have basic access to food, medical care. technology to make a phone call, legal laws that are forced by law to serve each person to the best of the medical facility's ability. It is amazing because at the end of the day. Even this year I had a mad tell me "go sit behind the desk." at the LMC Hospital of Metairie. I looked at him and said he was crazy because the way he was treating these ladies from England coming over to work at this new Bible Store Located on Veterans Highway in Metairie. They gave me an envelope the second day I went in and prayed in their little prayer chapel. Then a lady was trying to introduce me to her son .

He was very rude to these ladies. They even have a sitting area for children to sit at and read while parents and people shop.

This year was full of alot of signs because I trusted my gut when I said ' Here we go".

#Louisiana #Washington #Texas #califronia #faithoverfear #God #Usa #God #Awarness #Faith #Love #Joy #prayer #try #2023 #Presentdaytime #mindovermatter #endwar #endtheviolence #endthehatred #fixit #endit #stopit #prayaboutit #think #usewisdom #prayer #endsextrafficking

Felicity Lyn..

[l-g-h]

Cutting ties with my Father

This past weekend I decided after 34 years on this Earth to completely cut ties with my father. This decision comes after years of birthday's he reaches out (throws some money at me) and goes on his Merry Way!

Well this time I really needed the money after having lost a job many months ago and having quit a job that didn't pay me I found myself in a financial bind and I don't do well with a man whose made so many promises over the years and doesn't live up to it. I shouldn't have to call and text asking when you would give money that you promised.

I was fed up and upset and still left in a financial bind! This doesn't account for who my father is also as a person. All my life I've known him to be selfish, a liar, a manipulator, a womanizer, a drug dealer, an assaulter, abuser, an addict. My father always has to be the one that everyone sees first with all his flashiness. Amongst so many other things I know about him that I wouldn't even dare utter on the blog post or to anyone! It's embarrassing honestly knowing that I come from a man that has several FBI numbers and dates young girls is shameful to me. I look myself and I wonder what negative personality traits I gained from him other than just physical traits and I'm left with my selfishness and my anger. Two things I am desperately working on before I have kids of my own! The disconnect comes after years of trusting and years of lying and I'm tired. I don't have the energy to make excuses for him or glorify him like that side of the family does. He is not a town hero with his drug money and fancy cars and young girls he dates. He is not my representation of what a man is nor should be or a father. My energy will no longer be affected by this donor. My grandmother however is loving, kind, sweet and I'm sure a bit rebellious and fun! That makes me smile knowing that I'm also allot like her although I haven't spent much of my life with her.

I plan on having a kid of my own one day and showing them just who I am. I want to be my child's first encounter of what amazing looks like! Of what generosity looks like of what flawed but working on it looks like! I'm in no position to judge anyone including my father but a bad person you know when you see it! I want no parts of that life with him anymore and I know I'm doing myself a favor and it'll all work out for the best!

#badpeople #fatherlessdaughters #disconnect