#drug abuse mention

[vanglaggle]

random but watcha think when people make jokes about ink being a drug addict?? cuz of his whole' vials' thing? (personally, it's really weird)

i've never personally seen this, but i have seen the take that his vials are like prescription drugs .

i think people in this fandom are super disrespectful with topics like this , mental illnesses , disorders , abuse , and what have you . mostly because they're either uneducated or really young .

but anyways, yes i think ink abusing his vials can be explored but i think it's super disrespectful to joke about drug addiction or overdose . especially in this manor .

i think the concept can be neat but yes it's really weird to joke about a thing like that .

[tea-and-secrets]

Somehow I, a suicidal closeted Trans woman with a painkiller addiction am the most stable person of my entire family and goddammit I can't wait to see these cunts in hell

.

[selfship-confession-box]

i'm so horribly down bad for my f/o. I want to help him through his drug abuse and death of his late wife. I want to give him someone to love again. I want him to hold me and protect me and tell me everything will be okay. I know we were made for each other and to help each other, and he means the world to me

.

[i-need-some-advice-on]

tw for drug abuse

my friend is (self-admittedly btw) addicted to some kind of drug and he keeps asking for money so he can go buy stuff. i can afford to give him money but i dont know if i should. i think he has withdrawals without them but im not sure if im misremembering what he told me or not

former/recovering drug addicts what do u recommend i do pls? hes my bff and he has been for over a decade. i dont want to losehim in any way

.

[oldfacesnewdawnoffical]

Agoraphobic Barkface is so interesting idk ever since I read it it’s all I can think about. Does their agoraphobia stem from any event in their life? It probably won’t be shown in the story but as a person who has agoraphobic tendencies it’s just like melted into my mind and I need to know about them

I’d like to be able rewrite some of the Super Editions from canon, alongside a few entirely new ones (on characters such as Monarchmask, Sol, maybe Snowtuft, etc) so perhaps we’ll get a Voleface SE someday where I can go into heavier detail ;)

While it’s not shown in Ignite, Voleface’s agoraphobia does in fact stem from some events in his life!

I’ve always read Barkface as someone who is very externally calm and collected, but on the inside is wracked with anxiety and near-constant worry, trying to alleviate his own sense of fear by offering a helping hand to others… though perhaps that was just my own projection coming into play. But even still, I wanted to dig into that a little deeper when it came to constructing Purrheale Voleface!

His agoraphobia developed properly much later on in his life, after the death of their brother, Shrewclaw, though it definitely had some warnings before it’s eventual drop. He had some difficulties when it came to regulating his anxiety (especially when it came to his family; his parents died very early on in his life), and had a period of time in his life where he would steal and abuse herbs in an attempt to make himself calm. His agoraphobia is also regulated mostly to large crowds; he tends to stay in his den often, regularly avoids Gatherings, and tries not to put himself in or near crowds. Magpietail is also a huge help to him.

Prior to her death, he was also getting help from Purrheale Sagewhisker of the Fenland! They worked on exposure therapy together, alongside systematic desensitization. He’s really struggled in the aftermath of her death, but, well… the Moorswept won’t have to deal with crowds for a while.

[minayuri]

my dealer: got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called "dr. mabuse, the gambler" 😳 you’ll be zonked out of your gourd 💯

me: yeah whatever. i don’t feel shit.

5 minutes later: dude, there's this ruthless boss man orchestrating crimes with his henchmen and shit, his manservant is a coke addict, and disguised himself as a fuckable old man!

my buddy pesch grumping: i can't keep up with this anymore - this 200km pace! it's modern cannibalism!

[pro-prin-prinny]

I must be in some kind of lovey dovey mood because first I was like that sibling ibuprofen post was kind of romantic and now I'm sitting here like "blood transfusions are kind of romantic."

[poisonedapples]

for the ask game, 2, 16, 19, 27, 30, 33, 37 for any OC(s) you want! dealers choice! (if you have any oc in mind for a specific question or multiple oc's per question)

I’m gonna do a lot of these with my newer OCs from a show idea I have because that’s the thing haunting my brain:

2. Can your oc play any instruments? Have they ever wanted to learn how to play any? Why?

Miles: He does know how to play guitar and hasn’t really tried to pick up anything else. He definitely tried to play bass for like three days before giving up though, because he wanted to be the “cool dude in the band” and just. Hated it

Cadence: Knows a little bit of guitar also because it was passed on to her from her parents. She wants to get a ukulele someday though because she loves ukuleles

16. How often does your oc lie? Why is that? What was the biggest lie they’ve ever told?

Miles: He lies constantly, but usually not about serious things. He’s just the main caregiver of a child and makes up wild shit for the fun of it. But his biggest lie was probably that he was spending his college funds on his rent

Teddy: He doesn’t LIE very much, but he dodges the question with vague answers that aren’t answers, which Sanders Sides has taught me is still a lie of omission. His biggest lie is a part of his backstory that I still don’t QUITE have all figured out

Agnes: She lies a LOT, but it’s more because she’s scared of mundane things having dire consequences, so she lies about finishing a bag of granola. And considering she’s 6, her biggest lie was probably saying she didn’t break a vase or something

19. If your oc were to be arrested for something, what would it be for? For being too kind, for a legitimate crime?

Fair warning, these ones will be a little dark since the story these characters are from is darker than things I usually post. But it’s not in detail:

Miles: Definitely arrested for possession of illegal drugs. It’s a miracle he got as far as he did to be honest

Roxanne: Murder. She is a ball of anger and vengeance and will still JUMP at the opportunity to kill a Certain Man

Cadence: Trespassing. It’s her Thing that she goes into abandoned creepy buildings and some people don’t like that

Sally: She WAS arrested for being a witch, because she’s from that part of history. So for her it’s not a hypothetical fkshdkshs

27. What’s your oc’s preferred mode of transportation? Walking, vehicle, (or in a sci-fi/magic setting) teleportation?

Roxanne: Motorcycle, or a car going 100 over the limit. She lives on the edge man

Teddy: Walking. He couldn’t do it often when he was alive because American towns are just Like That, but he loves to just walk around and think his thoughts. It’s his personal time

Cadence: Bicycle. She’s too young for a driver’s license and bikes are very convenient for Sneaking Out Purposes

30. How much does your oc swear? Or do they keep completely clean? Why is this? Is there any situation where they would be the opposite?

Agnes: Never swears. She is six

Cadence: Swears, but not often and only words like “hell” or “damn”, very tame. Her parents don’t swear around her so she just hasn’t picked up that habit

Teddy: Fuck is his favorite word. It’s a good sentence enhancer. If he sees a moment to say fuck he will say fuck

Josh: He swears kinda often, but he’s the type of person that even if him swearing isn’t RARE it just sounds unnatural

Roxanne: She is an angry ball of FIRE who knows ten words and nine of them are swears. It enhances her yelling. She loves the unhinged chaos ability it gives hee

Sally: Never swears. She’s a very pure soul and also comes from a time where it was “improper lady behavior”, so she never picked up the habit

Miles: Swears occasionally when there’s no kids around. He’s very stuck in his dad habit of “child is near, I must switch all of my vernacular” and it shows. He does love a good “shit” out there though

33. How does your oc’s own perception of themselves compare to how other people see them? Is your oc aware that other people see them differently (if it’s different)?

Teddy: He thinks he’s an awful and unforgivable person. He has a LOT of self worth issues and very rarely thinks kind thoughts about himself. The others think he’s a chill dude who can just get carried away sometimes, but Teddy blows his negatives out of proportion

Miles: Once again, thinks he’s an irredeemable person. He thinks he’s a terrible father who’s fucked up too much to go back, and holds a lot of guilt for how he lived his life. Agnes thinks he’s an amazing person and trusts him with all her soul, the others think he’s a fuckup trying his best

Roxanne: She sees herself as weak, that her badass persona is just for show and not what she actually is despite wanting to be it. Meanwhile, Teddy is scared shitless of her and the others think she’s a badass fighter. Agnes wants to be like her

37. How picky is your oc? Will they not accept something because of the smallest details being off, or do they not care in the slightest? Why?

I think everyone would mostly be indifferent? I guess it would depend on the thing, but the only thing I can think of is Agnes having a Child Palette and only eating certain foods and having a Daily Apple Juice

[emotionaleating]

pls don’t flirt with me i want to be nonchalant so bad but i unfortunately crave connection so intensely that i will give you my entire soul and forgive you over and over until i’ve lost myself completely and feel like i’m drowning

[tea-and-secrets]

Sometimes I just genuinely want to die

I've been suicidal for 10 years now and I'm just,,, so tired man, I've never attempted anything, I've never hurt myself, even if sometimes I really want to

I never will kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family but God I want to, I want to die, I want to just feel nothing instead of pain and heartbreak and feeling like a failure,, I always feel like a failure and a disappointment and fuck sometimes I just want to curl up and die

I know how I would do it too, as much as I think about it, i wouldn't be able to hang myself,,, there's no where to do it, I would want pills. Just an entire bottle of sleeping pills. Take them when my family all goes to bed and just go to sleep and never wake up

But my government banned those sleeping pills because people were using them for suicide so now there's only melatonin and that won't work

Like I said I'm not going to kill myself, I just sometimes wish I was dead or never existed or even if I was abused so I would feel like I have a reason for being so sad and upset

But I'm not, , I have a loving family, an adoring partner, I'm making new friends and I'm starting school again soon, there's no reason for me to be this depressed but,,, here I am

<3

[edgarwayne]

During a winter outing Nathan and Edgar have an important talk.

@ghostsbrokenbyfairytales

nathan laughed at the description. "if i wanted to do a full romance scene i would've swept you off your feet and went straight home to do what i said instead but you've still got a big ouchie so it's best to keep your feet on the ground right now." when edgar squeezed his hand it made him realize something, pausing his laughter to look at their hands. "i'm sorry. i should've asked i uh, i hope this is okay?"

"Mr. Big Strong Firefighter thinks he can carry me all the way back to the flat? I'd almost say prove it, but we both know that's a terrible idea." At the question Edgar looked down at their hands and nodded. "Yeah. Although….it's not very friendship-y of us," he pointed out with a smile. Not that he wanted to let go.

“oh i don’t think i can i know i can and just for that when you’re back to one hundred percent again i will prove it.” nathan grinned confidently knowing he absolutely could if he wanted to. he shrugged slightly but also didn’t let go when edgar said that, instead walking closer to the other. “i mean.. we don’t have to be official to like do.. date.. things. people go on dates and do coupley stuff before becoming official all the time so.. why can’t we?” maybe that was his way of saying he didn’t mind calling all of this a date, it sure felt like one even if they were still waiting on nathan. “sorry, maybe i said too much.”

Edgar scoffed. "Oh, you're so on. As soon as I get the all clear from the clinic, you're carrying me home." He bit his lip as he mulled over what Nathan said. "No, don't apologize. I….I want to do that. I'm…" he let out a sigh. Well, they did promise on talking later. Now was as good of a time as any. He also moved closer so that they were essentially brushing shoulders as they moved. "I just worry about blurring the lines too much. That if there isn't an obvious end goal you…might not want to get better." Swallowing the lump in his throat, Edgar's gaze dropped down to their feet as they continued walking.

he originally wanted to wait to have this conversation but it started slipping out faster than he could stop himself so he nodded along to what edgar was saying. “i understand,” nathan finally said, “i do want to get better though. i don’t… like relying on alcohol to solve my problems.” mostly because he knows it’s created more problems than solving to begin with. “i just, i don’t know, it was easier to quit last time and there wasn’t the looming threat of death before and now i’m like i guess afraid to admit that i’ve started thinking what’s the point..” he admitted with a sigh also looking down at their feet as they walked.

Edgar stayed quiet for a few moments, letting what Nathan said really sink in. The very reason they met was because they were both drinking at the bar, for what surmounted to more or less the same reason. "I ask myself that a lot. I'm scared, bloody terrified even, of what the future will hold. If there even is a future. But," he paused to reorganize his thoughts. "There are so many amazing people I have met in this town. People who have helped me feel more alive than I have in years, ironically enough. So if our time is cut shorter than it would have been anywhere else, well…I want to say that I at least enjoyed it all to its fullest."

nathan smiled softly at edgar. “i’m glad you have those people. i don’t have a lot of people that make me feel that way but…” he paused and squeezed his hand softly, “i guess there’s a few people i can say make me feel that way at least.” he ended up sighing though, taking a sip from his drink again then added. “i dont even know where to start when it comes to quitting at this point.”

"You might not have a lot, but there are still people in your life that care about you. Not just me." Edgar returned the hand squeeze. He took a sip of his own drink, needing the caffeine to help keep his thoughts in order. He offered a sheepish smile as Nathan admitted he didn't know where to start. "So….please don't be mad. I might have been….doing a little bit of research at the library. Most of the books I've found strongly recommend seeking professional help first and foremost. Medical and psychological. But for things we can do now, well, it seems like setting limits for yourself is a good starting place. I also ran into a lot of references to 'triggers' and trying to avoid them."

nathan smiled again and nodded slightly, edgar was right he didn’t need a lot of people in his life to care about him. the few people that already did was enough. his eyebrow raised when he said not to be mad and wondered what he was about say then chuckled as he shook his head. “okay so..” he bit the inside of his cheek now, “what if i don’t know what my triggers are?” well there was one he could think of, seeing edgar in that state the day of the earthquake was definitely a trigger. “or what if one i cant exactly.. help. cause it doesn’t rely on me necessarily..?”

He let out a long exhale, professor brain going into overdrive as he thought over the problem. "Well, have you ever noticed when something particular happens that makes you want to drink? Or that being around particular people or places have that effect on you?" Edgar looked over to Nathan at that last question, brows furrowed. "It sounds like you already have something in mind. If you don't feel comfortable telling me I understand. It's just…harder to help you come up with a plan if I don't know all the details." Still, he shook his head. "But that's okay. You could always try journaling? I find that helps a lot to give myself perspective. Maybe that could help you too?"

he shook his head. “not that i’ve noticed no.” realizing they were still walking he pulled edgar off to a nearby bench to sit down, especially since they were close enough to the video store at this point it didn’t matter. “i mean obviously being at the bar makes me wanna drink but that’s the only thing i can think of place wise.” he may have had a suspicion of people but didn’t want to admit that so moved on. “well.. honestly seeing you that day in that state was… a lot.” nathan admitted in a mumble. he didn’t want edgar to think it was his fault because the stress on top of that day was an added affect. “i feel selfish just saying that because it’s not like you could’ve avoided it, you saved people and yet here i am saying that shit triggered my drinking more god that sounds so fucking rude.” he put his drink down on the bench and put his face into his hands letting out a long shakey sigh. “yeah i guess i can give that a shot or something.”

As they sat down, Edgar kept his gaze on Nathan, expression neutral, open. He wanted the other man to know that no matter what he said he wasn't going to be judged. "Hey," he said gently. Setting down his own cup, Edgar reached to tug away the other's hands, then nudged Nathan's face up and towards him so they could see one another's eyes. "You're not selfish or rude, so don't ever think that. You might be one of the most selfless people I know. You're a firefighter for christ's sake. You help people Nathan. What you're describing, that's trauma. I can only begin to imagine how terrifying it is to see someone you love hurt like I was. I don't regret it, I protected my students like I was supposed to, but I do regret how much it hurt the people that matter to me. If the roles were reversed I can't even tell you how I'd have handled it. Not well, that much I can assure you. So stop beating yourself up over this, please."

He leaned their foreheads together, just taking a few moments to breathe. "Do my injuries still make you want to drink?" Moving back slightly, Edgar guided one of Nathan's hands to the hem of his sweater, indicating for him to put his hand inside. "It's not what you think," he added with a small smile. "I want you to feel my heart beat, and the sweater's kind of in the way. But the point is, I'm alive. I'm okay and I'm breathing." Funny how he had this exact same talk with Kirby only a few weeks prior. "My injuries were bad, and I won't ever fully heal from them, but I'm alive."

when he felt edgar’s hands pulling at his hands nathan hesitated for a moment but gave in quickly, letting him nudge his face to look at him and took another shakey breath. “i know you don’t regret it.” he said with a small chuckle but cracked a smile. “it just scared the shit out of me i guess, knowing that i just confessed to you that i’m in love with you then almost had you ripped away from me that quickly. it felt like the universe was telling me i was some sort of bad luck charm…” first it was mia taking away their son because of his drinking and then the moment he said he’d start working on himself and quit again edgar had gotten hurt.

he shook his head against his forehead, “no they don’t. i guess now i’ve been drinking because it feels.. normal?” though it doesn’t make him act normal. he took a breath, this one less shakey as he slowly felt himself calming down again at his words. “i know you are, i remind myself of that constantly. when i think about it i just tell myself that it could’ve been worse.”

"Well," he said with a small smile. "I guess the Universe, or Fate, or God, or whomever has a pretty bad sense of humor. It's a bit homophobic if you ask me." Edgar hoped the joke would help to lighten some of the mood.

He tilted his head at Nathan's wording. "Normal? How do you mean?" Edgar leaned in once more, this time capturing the other's lips. Pulling back, he gave smile. "Think of that instead of Halloween. I'd argue kisses are preferable."

nathan chuckled. “yeah i guess they do huh?” he was about to answer when edgar kissed him, kissing him back eagerly and sighed contently when he pulled back. “i’m sure as hell gonna try and think about that instead because you’re right, i do prefer that.” he ran a hand through his hair now knowing he had to answer the question. “as for normal i guess i mean like.. i’ve been drinking for so long at this point that it feels like i can’t end my day without a beer or something.” nathan admitted sheepishly. “i know it’s not healthy or normal at all i’ve been through this once before this time just feels harder for some reason.”

He nodded, biting his lip in thought. "Is it just the one beer every night? Or does one turn into a lot more?" Edgar frowned at Nathan's word use again. "Stop using such negative language Nate. If you keep saying it's not healthy, not normal, of course you're going to struggle. Okay, yes, it's not the…healthiest lifestyle choice. Welcome to your 40s where you start to feel every drink a bit harder and your body feels ready to pop out of place at any time. But focusing on all the negative is only going to make it so much harder to motivate yourself."

“usually the one turns into more unless i’m at home and out of drinks.” nathan blinked in surprise at edgar, he wasn’t expecting him to say all of that and yet it felt oddly comforting. “okay..” he said quietly with a slight laugh, “okay i promise i’ll get better at not being so negative about it.” though he knew that was going to be hard and take some getting used to. “maybe tough love will help, a good smack anytime i refer to it negatively.” nathan joked hoping itd land well.

"Okay," he said slowly. "We have a place to start. Let's work on limiting your nightly drinks. I can't imagine cutting cold turkey will do any good. So let's say," he paused to think. "No more than 3 beers. And I mean beer. If you have something heavier as a night cap, limit that to….2." It wasn't perfect, but surely it was at least manageable.

Edgar smiled, appreciating the attempted joke. "I don't know. I feel like you would like it too much if I hit you. Might cause mixed signals."

nathan nodded. “i think i can do that yeah, seems like a fair trade to start leaning myself off the dependency.” he was going to try and do less than that but it was a good compromise for now until he could rely on it less.

“hey i-“ he had to pause and scratched his chin as he though on it. “actually i’m not sure, you could be right. i do kinda wanna find out now though.”

It was a relief that Nathan was willing to try the suggestion. Edgar knew it wasn't going to be an easy road to sobriety, but he would be there to support the other every step of the way. At the admission he did let out a laugh, however. "Maybe later," he teased. "Let's go back to what I said earlier first. Seeing a professional. Will you at least consider going to the clinic? Or I've heard there are a few therapists in town. You know there's no shame in asking for help."

nathan laughed as well at the tease and nodded, running a hand through his hair then picked up his drink again. “what would the clinic even do for me?” ignoring the mention of therapists. he knew there was no shame but he’d rather avoid that option and use it more as a last resort than anything. “i’d rather go there first but i just don’t know what they’d even do considering supplies and shit or whatever.”

He took a sip of his own drink, hating that Nathan probably had a point. "I know there's medication that can help curb the craving, but you might be right that they might not have it. But also…" Edgar took a deep breath, bracing himself for what might be the hardest part of this talk. "I read that alcohol withdrawal can be pretty severe. It…it might be good to have the clinic keep an eye on you during the process. Especially since this has been going on for years."

“right…” he remembered the withdrawals he went through the first time he quit but that one was more severe on account of quitting alcohol and drugs. “well, how about we wait and see? maybe if i slowly get myself off of it this time the withdrawals won’t be so bad and the clinic might not be needed at all.” nathan just hoped he was able to actually do that.

Edgar nodded in agreement. "But if it gets too bad you'll see them, right? Please?"

nathan chewed on the inside of his cheek realizing it was a nervous habit of his before nodding. “okay. yeah if i can’t do it on my own i’ll see them.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Edgar gave a small smile. "I'm glad. And maybe try to avoid the bar? At least as best as you can?"

he nodded again. “yeah i guess i can try and avoid there yeah.” that one might be tougher for nathan but he’d try.

"Okay, last one, and then we can keep going. What can I do to help? And please, don't just say 'heal up' or 'be yourself.' I really want to support you Nathan, be there for you." Edgar's eyes searched the other's face, expression pleading.

god dammit anytime edgar used that expression nathan always had a hard time arguing about anything. sighing he shrugged, “i’m gonna be honest i’m not sure.” he finally admitted. “last time i went through this i didn’t really have the support so i don’t actually know what you can do to help.”

Great. That wasn't much to go on. "Well, is there anything I can do different? Do more of? Less of?"

“not really?” nathan bit his lip now and looked at edgar. “i know spending time with you makes things easier, the urge to drink isn’t as prominent.”

Edgar also bit his lip, thinking back to their conversation earlier. "You…mentioned wanting to do more dating things. Would…would that help? Instead of waiting entirely until you're ready?"

nathan paused to think on it for a moment, almost as if he was having an internal debate with himself. when he was ready he took his free hand to grab edgar’s free one. “i know the idea of doing those things makes me happy and when i’m happy the thought of drinking isn’t really there.” he finally said looking at the other with a smile

He looked into Nathan's eyes, searching, before giving a slow nod. "Okay. Okay, yeah." After a moment Edgar returned the smile. "I'm glad we were able to finally talk. Really talk, you know?"

it felt like forever until edgar said something back and smiled, making nathan let out a small sigh of relief. “me too, i’m.. i’m sorry it took so long.” he said sheepishly.

Edgar shook his head at the apology. "It's okay, really. The fact we're having this conversation at all means the world to me. And I'm proud of you, for even taking this step."

he smiled at the words and leaned over to kiss edgar softly, pulling away to rest his forehead on the others. “thank you for not just giving up on me either..” nathan said quietly.

Edgar returned the kiss, smiling against the other's lips. "I'd never dream of it," he whispered. "Are you ready to keep moving? You're probably freezing."

he chuckled and nodded after pulling away fully now. “the hot coco helped but yes im ready to keep moving. this bench is freezing my ass i did not wear the right pants.” nathan laughed as he stood up, holding his hand out to edgar to help him stand if he needed it, or just to take it and hold, either worked for him.

[dykedvonte]

Daisuke to me represents the type of person who you have to bottle up your pain around because they are ill equipped to handle it. He would realistically not know what to do realizing that among the people he idolizes one is this horrendous monster, especially since he is so optimistic to a hazardous level to himself.

This makes his relationship with Anya so upsetting because as much as he could confide in her she could never confide in him. That very conscious fact/choice on her part is a constant reminder of her suffering along with the hopeless inability to do anything herself about it that ruins her mental state more.

[ut-girl666]

Funny/tragic idea for Starscream:

Starscream, has no fucking standards for a partner. And I mean that. His standards are literally:

- 75% chance they won’t drug him

- mildly respect a ‘no’

- don’t physically/consistently verbally abuse him

His standards are so low it’s sad. And that’s not even getting into his fucked up idea of consent.

Megatron is horrified. Someone get this baby a proper consent 101 class, and please pick up some standards when you’re passing by the store.

Because Star’s bar of standards is so low, it’s a tripping hazard in hell, and yet he somehow manages to find the mechs who use it to limbo dance with the devil.

Honestly the other few ‘con’s he’s close to who do have standards are just grateful that he ended up with Soundwave, or around them in general, because he is so vulnerable to just about anyone taking advantage and abusing him.

It takes Starscream an embarrassingly long amount of time to realize that his standards are in fact garbage, and that he’s hit the jackpot in partners, being with Soundwave, and in coworkers with Megs, because they have a serious moral code about consent, and will be the first people to throw the book at anyone who dares to violate consent.

It’s funny, but in a dark, tragic way. Because you’d actually think that as a prince, he would have completely unattainable standards, but they’re actually nonexistent.

[romanceclub-confessionss]

Confession:

"I wish CY2 had warned me from the start that Alexander would drug us. As someone who experienced SA by drugging, seeing that option when I was already deep into the plot made me vomit and sweat. I had to ask my friend to play the chapter to see if it would benefit the plot or if the author was just tricking us. Unfortunately, it was just for pure fetish. From now on, I will avoid any story written by Ursa"

[estherwestfall]

They scowled, frustration at themself, at Gabe, at the whole world, flaring within them. He was right, she didn't like him. His stupid face was both a reminder of what once was and a indication that one of them survived, found a better life. He could smile and have it meet his eyes. He had the freedom to love and be loved back. He wasn't plagued by guilt and shame and hatred of the self, of the world. But, even now, Esther couldn't bring herself to hate him. That was her baby brother. The one she sang to sleep on rough nights in the Westfall household. The one they threw snowballs at and giggled incessantly as they made flower crowns together. The one she fought tooth and nail, sometimes literally, to bring back from this bullshit 'death,' and did it again when the monsters found the way inside their home.

Gabe's words cut deep. The fact that after all this time he still cared about them was...shocking. Esther knew they didn't deserve it, that she was nothing but a shitty, sad excuse for a human being. In the best effort to return the sentiment, to show they still cared, she said "God, you look like a shivering, kicked puppy. Get in before one of those nosy bitches calls animal control." She stepped aside and softly closed the door behind Gabriel.

Esther bit their lip, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, not able to bring herself to look at Gabe. "Do you...want tea or something?" Maybe she should have taken those pills earlier. It would have made this entire interaction easier to get through. There was a lot she wanted to say, but all she could muster up was a "you...look good." Healthy. Happy. Better than they had ever seen him. Yet another reminder that he never needed them. That she had failed yet again for the one person she once allowed herself to love.

He's used to anger, fire, near-feral in her demeanor even just seeing her around town- Esther's not the person they used to be. Neither is G, he reasons- but here, now, as the door comes open and they stand face to face- it's hard not to remember the last time they saw each other- the last time they spoke had been to disown him- Esther didn't have a brother, not anymore, if G was so attached to the idea he was dead. He almost misses it, an old, striped polo he'd worn in his teens swamping his older sibling's frame even now. They're as good as strangers, and as G's fingers cinch against the paper of the gift in his hand- he almost loses his resolve.

He knows they hurt- Nobody does what Esther does now without some kind of ache- and people around Huntsville had a habit of talking- the Westfalls were crazy- G convinced he was dead- Esther a different beast entirely- he can't hold it against them. But stood here, looking in on a home unchanged from when he'd been ousted from it- Old scars split open- he hurts too, all over again.

But Esther's not screaming at him to leave- she looks tired. She looks miserable- and as he tucks the present into his pants pocket instead- he manages to find his voice. "I-" He swallows tightly. "I um. a lot of stuff changed for me, last year, and um, every time I thought about it, I was... sad. That I couldn't tell you about it." he scrapes the porch with the well-worn toe of an old converse. "I know it's been a long time and I know you don't like me. Because you don't believe me, because if you believe me, that means I killed Gabriel. But-" He swallows. "You- you've looked real sad. around town, the past few days and I... I worry about you still. 'cause I know I'm not your brother and I know you don't want me to be but I still um. I still love you. And I don't need you to like me, or- or to be my sibling again I just."

He's rambling. He struggles, for a minute, to reel himself in. "I would like to just. Talk. And- And I think, after a decade we- we deserve at least that, right? I'll do it here, in the cold, on the porch, if I have to." His breathing shudders. "Please don't shut the door in my face again." That one's soft. weak. Hopeful, perhaps.

[styllwaters]

351 / GAZI-MIAH

At last this monster of a ref is finished. Introducing the first canon Knight character for Vivere 44!

351 is a mountain Knight from Ferhaht, though their host is part Fejga; hence the brown fur and stocky build. They act as the secondary antagonist in parts 1 and 2 of the story. In part 3, the final 'season', they feature as a protagonist. 351 starts out as a ruthless, aggressive soldier working for Genizix, intent on completing the mission assigned to them. Under the direction of their officer, 909, 351 has been dispatched to quickly and efficiently eliminate targets who threaten to expose the company's activities in the Zhagaviit galaxy.

Eventually they come to realise that they are being manipulated by both the weapons company and their abusive superior, and in part 2 351 challenges 909. Their fight results in 351 gaining an array of scars and a terrifying near-death experience, and though they survive, they are permanently mentally separated. Unable to go into the Trance which binds the consciousnesses of the Helmet and the Host, they must learn how to work together as two people again. 351 escapes to their homeplanet of Ettera, surviving in the wild as they race against time to deliver an important message and rediscover who they are. During part 3, they discard their identification number and take on a new name, Gazi-miah.

More in-depth lore, facts, and extra art below the cut!

BACKSTORY

[cw: abuse, drug use, general dark themes]

351 was always told that they were born in Genizix like 909, though this is not the case at all. 351 had a life before they were turned into a killing machine, living on the Ihmna Stretch with their Ferhahti order. Their life was upturned on the day of their scouting Expedition, a journey that all Knight squires must take on before they can become full soldiers (More on Knight social structure here). They were tasked to deliver a message to an allied order along with two other temporary scouts. Upon arrival, however, instead of friendly greetings they were met with a chilling scene - the order was being attacked by another, the two groups set against each other in a fearsome battle. The fight was secretly orchestrated by Genizix in a plot to evaluate the strongest soldiers to recruit to their cause, unbeknownst to anyone but them. Feeling that it was necessary to aid their allies, 351 and their peers rushed into battle. They fought fiercely, but the young Knights were up against fully-fledged soldiers and 351's companions perished. 351 themselves was severely injured, and in the aftermath, blacked out - but not before catching a glimpse of strange figures.

When they awoke, they were not on Ettera any more; rather an unfamiliar place with black walls and machines. They could barely remember anything from the night before; and slowly the rest of their memories on their homeplanet receded as Genizix toxins that they were injected with took effect. Later, 351 would be introduced to 909, an experienced Knight officer with an extensive history of working for Genizix, and placed in their unit. They were assigned a number for a name and moulded into the perfect killing machine. 909 fed 351 a constant stream of lies about where they came from, and like all soldiers recruited into the system, promised that in fighting for the company they had a chance to participate in something greater than themselves; to see the real universe outside of Zhagaviit. But 351 was driven more by fear than the potential for glory. They had seen what happened to those who disobeyed the higher-ups, and what could happen to them if they did not complete the missions.

909 stripped 351 of their individuality and left nothing but brute force and a desire to please. What the agent feared more even than Genizix was invoking 909's anger, so they pushed themselves to do any dirty work asked of them. The organisation became their whole world, their 'family', and 909 made sure they could never leave their clutches - manipulating them, threatening them and twisting their worldview. The process was sped up by specialised toxins designed by Genizix intended to distort perception and slow brain activity, inducing a dreamlike state. On Knights, this had the effect of triggering and enhancing the Trance, making it incredibly difficult for one to mentally separate the helmet from the host. With time 351 came to believe that they were one person, and they had no reason to think otherwise as their exposure to information was carefully controlled. 351 was conditioned to see their targets as non-sophont and they were rewarded for using cruel tactics. The more time they spent with 909, the more they began to lose their sense of self entirely until they were nothing but a weapon. Such is the fate of most soldiers who have wound up working for Genizix.

Despite the deep emotional (and physical) scarring and conditioning, during the events of Vivere 44 seeds of doubt are planted in 351's minds. These would only germinate further as they gain more clarity of their situation. Standing up to 909 was the first step they took towards breaking free of their chains, although it came with a cost. 351's host was physically Separated from their helmet in the fight, an injury which in most cases is lethal. They were repaired by a scientist who stitched them back together and managed to salvage a sliver of the bond which connected their minds. 351 could never enter the Trance again, though the helmet and host could still exchange thoughts between each other. As they were two separate entities now, the helmet guides the blind host with directions.

Instructed by the scientist (an Arrow named Nimbus, who will be introduced later) 351 left the facility on a new mission - to deliver an urgent message to Jes-ren, a Kaata Plains Knight living on a Ranch on Ettera. They traversed the land they once called home, now unfamiliar to them, relearning how to work together as a pair that might as well be complete strangers to each other. They recover their memories; or at the very least parts of it, as they cannot remember their original name. However, they gain a new one; Gazitkaar-Miahlad [meaning: lost messenger / returned to us].

The road is long and tremendously difficult; Gazi-miah struggles to unlearn years of aggression, addiction and lies, all the while carrying immense trauma. They eventually find peace, and settle down with Jes-ren in Kaat following the climax.

PERSONALITY

During their time at Genizix, agent 351 picked up on a lot of nasty habits and traits from 909 who brought out their worst attributes. They became merciless, taught to discard feelings and remorse. 351 was not afraid to make a show of their strength, and at times was needlessly cruel and taunting. The toxins affecting their nervous system tended to spur on their host's prey drive to a concerning degree, and a part of them enjoyed the power trip they got from hunting down targets. Though everything they did, they did for 909's approval - and to avoid getting disposed of by Genizix.

When their host and helmet were Separated, and the effects of the toxins wore off, gradually their aggressive attributes took a backseat as they grappled with their new situation. With great effort they gain an understanding of both the horrors they went through and the atrocities they committed for the sake of a corrupted system.

Once they escape Genizix's hold, it becomes clear that 351 is incredibly socially inept and any interaction that isn't violence or taking orders is new territory for them. Freedom and agency are difficult concepts for them to grasp, but with the aid of others around them they begin to adjust to their new life.

The helmet, Miahlad (my-a-lad) is the more practical of the two. He has one goal in mind; keeping the both of them safe. Miah is resourceful and smart, though when it comes to social interaction he's just as clueless as his host. This doesn't stop him from offering advice via their mind-link. He is firm, distrustful, and judgemental, but cares deeply for Gazitkaar even if he won't say it. At first he is reluctant to uncover the truth in fear that it will harm them both, preferring to stick to familiar ground. Despite his realistic worldview, more than once he considers going back to Genizix due to the simple fact that it's all they've ever known - even if it hurt them. As a helmet he cannot speak out loud but relearns sign language to communicate with other knights.

The host, Gazitkaar (gaz-it-car) is constantly questioning everything. She is less focused on the personal safety and wellbeing of the Knight body and more concerned with the wider truth, always seeking to know more. Gazi is not one to back down from a challenge, whether it be traversing dangerous territory or mastering a new skill. But like Miah, she is averse to touch, and will bite if boundaries are pushed far enough. She is more open to listening than her helmet, and is a fast learner. Though she is more adaptable than Miah, her curiosity can sometimes go unchecked and lead them into trouble.

EXTRAS

They are 37 years old and tower over everyone, including other Knights. Their prescence could fill a whole room.

The engraved bone necklace was given to them by a Polar Knight commander from Ehtte Thannoeh where they first landed on Ettera. The carving depicts an Aikka deity whose horn always points northwards, and is said to watch over lost travelers from the northern lights.

Gazi-miah's piercings were put in by the scientist Nimbus, intended to firmly fix the helmet to the host.

As a Genizix agent their build is very toned and muscular due to their intense training and strength-enhancing substances which also speed up wound recovery. Such a lifestyle was placing immense stress on their body, and as they spent more time on Ettera they gained more weight and adopted a healthier diet.

Their build and design is inspired by bulls and rottweilers.

Their fur is spiky due to chemicals and unnatural cleaning products resulting in an unpleasant, rough texture. In the future it becomes softer thanks to proper grooming.

Here's some of the first concept art I have of them (and also showcases their pelt colours better)

Aaand a simplified version of the ref without all the notes for your viewing pleasure.

I'll stop here before this post gets insanely long but if you have any questions I shall be delighted to answer!! ;] Thanks for listening to my tedtalk