#drowning in kindness | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fricc-darn · 3 months ago

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if BEN found out they liked someone, would they directly confess to them or communicate in a more poltergeist way?

They would avoid that person. Or at least try to.

Warning for physical abuse + strangulation

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You missed them.

You missed them more than anything in the world.

It was unlike you to act in such a manner. To grovel over someone who has hurt others, including you. They had been playing with your heart for so long that your feelings confused you. You wanted to be with BEN more than anything in the world. All the suffering it brought upon others was justified in your mind. After all, you are alive and in a relatively better position than the thousands of others BEN came across.

To you, the stories of those who came before mattered little. Those people chose death. A decision only they can make, regardless of external factors. A selfish and greedy decision, yet you were no better for viewing one's life with such little regard. BEN had its reasons for acting the way it did. Even if those reasons were unbeknownst to you.

They're much more than their vicious exterior. BEN can be sweet, sometimes. Sweeter, compared to the first time you met, becoming intrigued by you. It wanted to study you. A dehumanizing experience at first, it treated you like some type of pet. Yet, an easy role to fall into after the hell it put you through. The same logic still applied, always follow their rules. Everything was on their terms. In your mind, this made sense; you were the first human BEN wanted to get close to.

But this time around, you couldn't find any rhyme or reason to BEN's recent actions. It pulled a tasteless, cruel act that made you so neurotic.

BEN disappeared for two weeks.

Two full weeks.

Your days went by at an agonizingly slow pace. Not once did BEN appear. It had eyes everywhere in your home; it had to be watching to some extent. Yet, there were no new messages or unearthly activity. Disappointment left each moment more miserable than the last. There was an undeniable ache in your heart when BEN wasn't around. An ache made worse now that you were completely alone.

Have you upset them? You couldn't recall doing anything that would cause BEN to go through such lengths to ignore you. There were no arguments, no rude comments, nothing. This couldn't be the case; you had to have done something—anything. BEN wouldn't leave without a reason. You weren't as smart as them, nor did you have the best memory. There had to be a situation you were forgetting.

All you have done today is wander throughout your house. Subconsciously circling the same rooms, clutching onto a sliver of hope that BEN might be there waiting. With each shaking step, you sank deeper into your unruly thoughts. The last times you were with BEN were nothing but enjoyable, more so than usual.

Strangely, it trotted the indecisive line between refusing to spend time with you and finding any reason to be around you. Despite the pleasant quality time,

Its tone seemed off. Not all there and spacey. A tone you had noticed for months but couldn't pinpoint a cause.

Stumbling into the kitchen, a sourness hits your nostrils. The kitchen was left in a state no better than your mind. It reeked of unwashed dishes. Leftover dough and stale desserts festered with mold.

Cookies.

The two of you made cookies after ages of trying to convince BEN to make food with you. Surprising that it even took the offer. BEN always said it was senseless; it could eat but didn't need to eat. In spite of that, you so often notice them lingering when you cook, as if they want to try. You settled on making chocolate chip cookies. An easy recipe with the flavor BEN preferred the most.

BEN explained professional baking techniques to you with such gentleness that they hardly made any snide remarks. Purely focused on the task at hand. Its soft hands rested on top of yours, helping you knead the dough. Cold hands that have killed felt so alive and warm. How badly you wanted those hands to embrace you and keep you close. To cling to your body like you are a need instead of a want. Yet BEN quickly moved away, as if the closeness of that maneuver held no significance.

You were stuck in a cycle between selfishness and reasonability. You have received no affection for what felt like forever, ever since your loved ones have been out of your life. However, to want attention from someone who is so touch-averse was a self-centered desire. In no way were you entitled to know why BEN acts like that; knowing would just make life a hell of a lot easier.

The overwhelming smell in the kitchen got increasingly nauseating. The air became stale, and you felt weak. You quickly turned on your heels, checking the living room. Your legs continued to jitter, refusing yourself the chance to sit on the couch for even a moment. You tried to rationalize your strange attraction.

A part of you knew there was no reason to be upset. BEN was awful. A terrifying piece of technology with a cruel disposition that fed off of suffering. You've been stuck with them like the old ball and chain. How would one even manage a relationship with someone who will never be satisfied?

Your half-lidded eyes scanned the room in an attempt to find something else to think about. Another useless effort. Just another messy room to wallow in. Stray pillows and blankets were on the floor by the window nook. A place where BEN simply observed whatever went on outside. Even inhuman entities loved the mundane. From frolicking animals to changing weather, it never got tired of watching it all. They're very cat-like.

Not too long ago, you two laid together in that cozy nook. BEN was always more talkative whenever they were comfortable. While it divulged its train of thought, its serene words calmed you like a lullaby. Remembering that BEN had other interests besides malice was surreal. Trivial sweet bits of information were a privilege that only you were granted. You were grateful; BEN hardly spoke about itself.

So you listened attentively. Pondering what existence was like for BEN. Since the day you met, you've pieced together bits of its circumstances. None of which sounded pleasant. It was made up of many people and had ties to a cult. Which gave you more questions than answers. What you knew for is that BEN is bitter and troubled. Excruciatingly aware of everything that has happened and what could happen.

It knew too much about you, down to the uncomfortable details that those closest to you didn't know. It is not like BEN is a stranger, but its attention to detail still didn't feel like enough. Shamefully, you wished for more. For BEN to speak of you with as much reverence as their religion. You would never be equal to their god, their precious Luna. You held as much importance as a passerby in their long lives. In desperate times, you hesitated praying to the same god just for a chance with them.

This pacing, all this thinking, and the uncertainty drained the little energy you had left. The aura in the living room is as dreadful as the kitchen. You were tired, fed up with whatever game this is. Giving up on needing your feelings validated, a nap sounded better to achieve some peace of mind.

Heading for the stairs, you reassured yourself that none of this mattered. What you felt was a passing fling. That BEN was off pulling some crazy stunt or, more likely, had gotten bored with you. Intensifying thumping up the stairs, emotions overriding common sense. Storming to your room, the door creaked, slowly opening on its own. Stepping in with glossy eyes, a heavy groan left you. There was no relief from this ache, even in the most sacred part of your home.

The bedsheets draped onto the floor, and random water bottles littered the room. If you weren't wandering, you were here, rotting away. You could hardly see anything if it weren't for the golden afternoon sunlight peeking into the dark room. Stepping over the trash, you head over to bed. Thinking back to when BEN left without a word. The moment was a blur. A show played on the television, serving as mere background noise rather than providing anything of substance. You two sat on the floor, face to face.

From BEN's hands, it seemed... nervous? There laid a glint of hesitation in its eyes. You swore you imagined it. BEN being nervous was too unlikely, impossible even. Your face rested on the palm of its hand, letting its fingers tenderly caress your cheek. So close, the space between was diminishing, inching closer and closer.

So close.

Just like that BEN pulled away and left.

Your head pounded from remembering too much at once. You feel a chill, the hairs on your skin raised. A cool breath tickled the back of your neck, a faint snicker. "This place is a pigsty." BEN spoke in a deceiving, lighthearted tone. Its hushed voice sent a shiver down your spine, stoking the flames in your heart. You quickly turned around, greeting it with a smile and bright eyes. Swiftly you approached BEN with your arms outstretched.

BEN took a step back. It looked down at you then looked elsewhere. Its grin twitched. They've never left you alone for such an extended period. BEN was fairly impressed with how the effects of isolation took a toll on you. It expected you to break in at least two days, not several. You always find ways to surprise them.

Unfortunately, the circumstances of this surprise were hardly fun anymore. This couldn't have been because of pity, absolutely not. Your eyes were beet red and puffy; you looked unwell. Acting in the same manner as a neglected zoo animal. "I see you missed me. Clingy, now are we?" BEN spoke sardonically, masking its true tone of voice with ease.

You stare at them blankly. Clingy? That comment shouldn't have irked you as much as it did. Emotions that you tried to keep under wraps bubbled to the surface. The response wasn't enough to sully any of your excitement about seeing BEN again. Only severing as a painful reminder that you meant nothing to BEN. "I'm not clingy." You grit your teeth; clenching your jaw worsens the throbbing headache.

"You expect me to feel nothing after you disappeared for two weeks without saying a word?" Your voice croaked, like the old wooden floorboards of your home. As hard as you tried, some bitterness seeped out. It couldn't even look at you in the eyes. That small gleam of hope for clarity slowly fizzled out. You've done nothing to cross them, and you still felt like you were stuck in an endless cycle of punishment.

BEN laughed before going completely quiet. You are full of surprises today! Going from obedient to snippy in those few days. Though it could only tolerate squeaky fussing for so long. If you could speak about anything else, their annoyance would subside. "I never said that." It took a glance around your disheveled room. Refusing to look you in the eye for long. "You should focus on more pressing matters. The trash and poor attitude won't fix itself." BEN whispered, kicking a crushed-up water bottle in your direction.

That arrogant smile you grew to love made your blood boil. A wave of heat rose in your face as involuntary tears pricked at your eyes. Balling up your hands into a fist, digging your nails into your palm. "Then stop fucking acting like nothing happened." You shouted, stomping your foot on the floor.

Frustrated, tired. You weren't as strong as you made yourself out to be. Easily falling into a pit of despair. Realizing without BEN, nobody was there for you. Friends and family gone, your dreams abandoned, every connection you had to any other person severed. If you had to be alone with someone, it had to be BEN.

"We don't owe you an explanation." BEN stated, hanging on to a thin, cordial veil. A familiar disdain ate at them. If this feeling wasn't pity, then it was not empathy; at least that's what BEN wanted to believe. Refusing to accept that your ear grating breakdown was affecting them. A breakdown caused by it leaving over something so silly, it wasn't worth admitting. Opting to dance around the fact, hoping you'll grow tired.

Patience was their virtue, a quality they have learned throughout the years. There was no point in acting violently to get you to stop. Force is primitive and too ineffective for their liking.

A loud groaning left you as your hands rubbed your face, moving up and harshly running your fingers through your hair. You weren't crazy or unreasonable and were tired of being treated as such. "I don't understand why you have to be so difficult about how you feel." Sniffling your tears, you mumbled. "Do you always lead on your victims like this?"

BEN crocks its head to the side, its smile faltering faster than the setting sun. Eyes finally locked onto you, expression still and emotionless. They've been called much worse degrading things that never phased them. However, none of those words came from your mouth. BEN didn't know why it was still trying to give you some leniency.

You didn't know your luck—how good you have it. The audacity to play the victim. You didn't know how they felt; you couldn't understand. All this yelling, shouting, and crying stirred a great discomfort in BEN. "Choose your words carefully."

Your back straightens on its own accord. Trembling like a baby foal, unsure if it was due to the lowering temperature or fear. Wiping your tears, you spoke up. "You got bored with me; that's why you left. You don't care. I could kill myself, and you wouldn't bat an eye! It's what you want, right, BEN?" Your lips quivered, spitting your words out, acrid and firm. Oddly, being rude to BEN felt cathartic, giving them a taste of their toxicity.

"You're right. I don't care."

A painfully forced, wide-toothed grin spread across BEN's face. "You thought you were an exception? That I'd fall head over heels for you?" BEN took a step closer, stepping on top of the mess that rested on top of your floor. "If you want to die so badly, then do so. I'll gladly help." Its empty gaze, unfaltering, staring into your soul.

You, a deer staring at oncoming headlights. The satisfaction of your insult was rapidly wearing off. You had to move. You needed to move. Staggering backward, losing more balance with each footstep from the junk on the floor. "Y...You treat me like an exception. Why is it such a crime that I love you?" No longer did you speak with defiance, a mere squeak in response to its robotic voice.

BEN glared. Love. What a burden. Love is a crippling malady, one that erodes all sense in the mind. All-consuming and maddening. They had no need for such a waste of time; spare the tooth-rotting spiel about love. How cruel of you to lecture them about love, as if they were some simple machine. Every thought had BEN stomping its way to you, your back to the wall. "You're not in love with me. You're an idiot with an attachment disorder. I did you a favor by leaving. Shame you're too stupid to see that."

Its words dug into you. Tearing your heart into shreds, pushing more tears out of your eyes. You wanted to puke, crawl to the floor, and pitifully beg for forgiveness. A fear similar to your first encounter with BEN. Paralyzing eye contact, feeling worse each moment you looked into its flickering eyes. "If you don't care, then why did you come back? You almost kissed me last time! Just admit you have a soft spot for-"

You went down with a thud head first.

BEN loomed on top of you, gripping your throat with its hands. Erratically, you squirmed. Kicking and writhing on the floor. Desperately clawing at BEN's arms, a feeble attempt at having it stop.

"Shut up! Shut up!" BEN shouted—no screeched at you, over and over, each time hitting your head against the floor, tightening its hold on your neck.

The pressure building up in your head was far worse than any headache or migraine. You gasped, trying to breathe or say something, which resulted in a gurgle. All of your fighting wasted energy. BEN shouted its head off. You shake your head, pressing your nails deeper into its arm.

"I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel. I don't understand." BEN pressed its fingers against your soft flesh. There was no point in any of this. Victim, companion, friend, whatever label you fell under, the outcome would have been the same.

This could not be love. Love hurts and makes you irrational, like something is eating you from the inside. They had no interest in it, no desire, until your devotion to them. Always wearing your heart on your sleeve and overly selfless to your detriment. You made them feel good. The attention and closeness are everything they craved.

You croak as more air escapes you. Your body involuntarily thrashes before your hands drop to the floor.

"You want something from me I cannot give." They would have to change to do that, and changing is an act of defeat. Another defeat over something they couldn't help. "We can't love you. Not in the way you deserve." Who on earth would willingly love an AI, Frankenstein's monster? Someone who has almost caused your death so many times. This occasion seemed more merciful than the last.

Your face slowly turns into a shade of deep purple, and your lips, blue. You feared your eyes would pop out of the socket.

"We wish we could."

That wasn't true. Whatever deluded conclusion they came up with was not true. You wanted BEN as is. Whatever definition of love they had, you wanted to experience that with them. You got what you wanted. This was the most direct BEN has ever been, and you wanted to bask in it. You'd listen to them talk till the end. Yet their voices seemed so distant; everything did. The sounds of a broken computer felt like little soft hums with ringing. Lightheaded, everything seemed slower, like minutes passed.

It couldn't have been that long, right? It stopped banging your head. The light in the room seemed to dim. Pins and needles worked up your body, your cracked lips mouthing its name. It's perfectly shaped hair, a mess covering parts of its face. BEN's eyes looked...damp? Crazed but damp. Like it was on the brink of tears but couldn't cry.

You didn't fight back. You couldn't, nor did you want to. Yes, you were scared, but you felt relaxed. A strange high, repeating yourself to at least know you were awake. You didn't want to die, but if it proved what you meant, BEN, you'd let them kill you.

You would let BEN hurt you.

Again and again.

Until they feel better.

#i did something a little different! i wanted to go in depth with the hc i have that BEN would just dip if they had a crush #BEN angst but it tweaks tf out my favorite kind 😭💀#and more details about BEN's disorganized attachment style #behavioral event network #ben drowned #behavioral event network x reader #ben drowned x reader

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